Archive
Episode 53 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
GUEST LINKS:
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Homepage for NECSS (Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism)
Warning: This podcast contains Heath Enwright
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sharia Law & Order: Sinful Victims Unit.
In the Islamic Justice System, female victims of sexually based offenses are considered especially culpable. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious women are an elite squad known as the Sinful Victims Unit. These are their stories.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s February 20th,
And now that Paul Walker’s dead, his roles will be played by Aaron Paul – aka the “Miracle on Ice”
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from the city that never sleeps, New York, New York
And the city that never flosses, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
On this week’s episode
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We’ll open with a series of bullet points,
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We’ll get through a snake-handler story with no masturbation jokes,
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And Jay Novella joins us share non-culinary advice for atheist parents
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
I was accused in an email exchange the other day of “hating religious people”. And I was about to email back that “I don’t hate religious people, I hate religion”… but I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to be dishonest. I do hate religious people.
But it’s not because they’re religious… it’s because they’re people.
Think about the copious amounts of ass that people suck. I hate most of them. And I’d guess that about 80% of the people I hate are religious. And 2% of them are atheists. And 18% of them are spiritual, agnostic or “other”.
The whole notion that the atheist movement hates religious people is even stupider than the assertion that atheists hate god. Religion is an oppressive force and it harms religious people a hell of a lot more than atheists. I’m in no danger of foregoing life saving medicine and opting for prayer. I’m in no danger of being swindled by a preacher. I’m in no danger of being butt-raped by a Catholic Priest… well, no, I guess we all are, but I’m in a low-risk demographic at least. But the whole premise is asinine. It’s like saying abolitionists were motivated by their hatred of slaves.
Of course, this came about in one of those stupid “How can religion be bad if so-and-so exists?” arguments So-and-so being, of course, some morally incorruptible person. And whether the example is Martin Luther King, Jr. or the sweet old lady across the street, it’s no less stupid an argument. Lucinda and I have a couple of neighbors that are as nice as two people can be, except the fact that they disowned their son for being gay.
And sure, they’d run into a burning building for us, they’d donate a lung for us, they’d fight off a pack of she-bears for us, but does that make homophobia any less egregious? Does the fact that the axe murdered also fed stray cats a reason to go easy on axe-murdering? And if good religious people mean that religion is good, what the hell do bad religious people mean?
But there’s more wrong with this argument than it’s simple failure to sequit. I’ll give you a great example in the form of my landlord.
The dude is as nice as anybody you can imagine. Seventy two years old, spry, intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humor and he’s quick to hurry over and fix shit that goes wrong, provided it doesn’t do so on the Lord’s day. He’s super-religious and it would be physically impossible to dislike him.
The other day I was talking to him and he brought up his church which he is often wont to do. He had a bit of a sunburn going and when I asked him about it he said he got it mowing the lawn at his church. The two acres around this church. That a seventy-two year old man is mowing for no compensation. And why, pray tell, is the old man mowing the lawn? Well, the church was concerned with their finances and they feared they could no longer afford the monthly landscaper’s fees. And they figured that Jesus would really appreciate it if somebody volunteered to mow that giant-ass shadeless lawn once a week under the unforgiving South Georgia sun.
But it’s not that they were taking advantage of him. Au contraire. He understood how important it was. Why, unless somebody donated their labor to the church lawn, they wouldn’t be able to send any money to the Southern Baptist Convention.
So the church is sending a septuagenarian out to mow their lawn so they can properly fund an anti-gay hate-group that was founded on White Supremacy and only got around to apologizing for that shit in the mid-nineties. How moral of them.
So no, I don’t hate religious people… at any higher rate than I hate non-religious people. And I’d even go so far as to say I can prove it. If I really hated religious people and I really wanted to stick it to them, I’d stop doing this show, I’d just shut up about atheism and I’d let the church have ‘em.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is Olympic Vanadium Medalist Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to go for the Chromium?
Hey, don’t knock Vanadium. It has the highest melting point of any period 4 transition metal.
Take that titanium!
In our lead story tonight, Australian chemist Simon Horsfall is slipping disapproving notes into the package when he sells oral contraception to those customers of his pharmacy that don’t share his Catholic beliefs. In other news, Australian pharmacists mistakenly refer to themselves as “chemists”. They count pills, and collect people’s money every week. They have the same skill set as a drug dealer. They’re not exactly inventing new plastics for NASA.
This actually explains why the Australian Space Agency is still lagging so far behind Latvia. Reminds me of those Fosters commercials. You show an uppity fucker eyeing me suspiciously when buy syringes for my diabetic cat and it says “Chemist” and then it shows a cheap can of carbonated dingo piss and it says “Beer”… but it’s Australian so it’s three syllables long and they never quite get to the “R”….
Here’s a statement from the (air quote) “chemist” (end air quote), who’s been writing self-righteous notes like this for 12 years: (real quote) ”It’s about integrity – if you say one thing and do something else, that is hypocrisy. We practise what we preach.” (end real quote) … First of all, ‘practice’ doesn’t have an ‘S’ … It has a ‘C’ … Second, he doesn’t practeeze what he preaches at all. He’s been making money selling contraceptives for at least 12 years!!! He’s going to hell, and he’s talking about integrity and avoiding hypocrisy?!?
It’s more like hypocrisy squared. “I’m against this, but I’m gonna profit off of it, but I’m gonna call you an asshole for giving me your money.”
I’m willing to consider the merits of both sides of the abortion issue. But contraception?!? Wearing a cross around your neck is pretty good contraception. Money shots are contraception. It was happening before condoms, just not well. So like it or not – and whether or not one particular outer-suburban pharmacy (slash) Pfizer Lab in Australia approves – widespread availability of real contraceptives is one of the greatest public health accomplishments of the last century.
Yes, I think it’s time we moved beyond the “orgasms are evil” doctrine.
Australian Pharmacist puts disapproving note in every bottle of contraceptives: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/take-note-this-chemist-disapproves-of-contraceptives-20140213-32jz1.html
And in “god forsakes the flakes who partake in the shaking of snakes” news tonight, Kentucky pastor and squamate appetizer Jamie Coots died of stupidity last Saturday after being gnawed on by a venomous rattlesnake. Coots is part of the Darwinian oversight known as “Snake handlers”, a group of Pentecostals who believe that god is the only anti-venom they need, despite the extraordinarily high rate at which their pastors demonstrate otherwise.
It’s literally gotten to the point that if this happens again next week, we’d almost have to skip the story out of boredom. Maybe we just do occasional segments when zero Pentecostal preachers committed suicide by serpent venom that week.
Yeah, snake handlers have been done to death at this point. Coots was bitten during a Saturday night service but rather than seek medical attention for the treatable but otherwise mortal wound, he instead opted for the “Jesus take the presynaptic neurotoxin” approach and treated the bite by laying on his couch and praying… even after EMTs showed up at his home and offered him real-universe medicine.
It’s a good thing I’m not an ambulance guy. I would have made a joke about it being “Pastor Expiration Date.”
Yeah, your sense of humor might not work well in any emergency medical profession. Now, if the name Jamie Coots sounds familiar, it’s because be discussed this celebrity death-pool lock back on episode 27 of this show when National Geographic tapped him to star in their visual testament to faith-inspired idiocy “Snake Salvation”. Nat Geo has issued an apology and vows to replace the show next season with more responsible programs like “Cutting Yourself for Jesus” and “Rabbi Rosenbaum’s Wide World of Long Distance Circumcisions”.
Yet another snake handling preacher killed by… wait for it… snakes: http://www.wbir.com/story/news/local/2014/02/16/pastor-dies-after-snake-he-was-handling-bit-him/5529907/
And from the “Not in Ken’s Ass Anymore” file, the state House of Representatives in Kansas has overwhelmingly approved Jim Crow Laws for gay people. Proponents of the legislation seem to feel this is necessary to facilitate a smooth transition to humanhood for the queers, following their recent liberation from slavery in the state. An existing gay resident can be grandfathered in for full humanhood right away, however he may be required to prove his grandfather was gay.
Which sucks for straight Kansas grandfathers. What a dilemma; “Hey grandpa, they’ll let me use hospitals and pharmacies, but only if you’ll go down the county registrars office and gobble some cock.”
Should the bill be signed into law, gay couples could legally be denied service absolutely anywhere, and if gays are permitted inside buildings at all, I’m certain they’ll be required to use the rear entrance, which is really just an exit for everyone else. (…) I guess this must be the Christian response to the hordes of gay couples in the Bible Belt, who were ruining public parks for everyone else, with lewd displays of deep-throating water fountain spigots? …
Shit yeah, the “Spite a bigot, blow a spigot” campaign. Of course, it’s worth noting that the leader of the state senate has already come out and said that there’s no way in hell they’re gonna pass this thing, but the fact that Kansas is trying to compete with Russia and Uganda when it comes to legislative gay-bashing is still newsworthy.
And just to be perfectly clear, this would allow a public hospital to refuse treatment, or a police officer to refuse policing, as long as the homophobes make their decision “based on a sincerely held religious belief”. Lucky for anyone in Kansas with the sincerely held belief that hateful assholes should be brutally tortured for even suggesting this – they should soon be able to carry out their vigilante water-boarding spree of religious zealots with full impunity.
Kansas gay segregation: http://www.ryot.org/kansas-tries-implement-anti-gay-segregation/571197 <<and>> http://www.kansascity.com/2014/02/13/4822324/senate-balks-at-kansas-religious.html
And from the “Keystone Caliphate” file tonight, a suicide bombing instructor in Iraq shook up this year’s Darwin Award standings last week during an accidental pop quiz. While demonstrating how to kill oneself and a score of bystanders, Professor Aggressor the Lesser accidentally killed himself and a score of bystanders.
This does shake up the Darwin standings, but I’d say the bystanders are at the top of the list. If there’s anyone dumber than a suicide bomber conducting a demonstration, it’s the people who showed up for the demonstration. That’s the sort of meeting you might want to Skype in.
In addition to the instructor, twenty-one students were killed, 15 pupils were wounded, 8 militants were arrested and 1,548 virgins were very disappointed. The instructor’s name was not released but Iraqi officials say he is a well-known terrorist recruiter who will forever be remembered for his poignant last words; “whatever you do, never do this.”
Instructor accidentally blows up a class full of suicide bombing students: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/11/world/middleeast/suicide-bomb-instructor-accidentally-kills-iraqi-pupils.html?_r=0
That’s why you never buy your bomb fuses at the Acme Store. Moving on to “Sacred Cowboys” news: UConn’s new assistant football coach Ernest Jones has resigned, immediately following controversy surrounding his violation of the university policy that says you can’t preach about Jesus while you’re working. Jones, as well as head coach Bob Diaco, were both hired from Notre Dame, which would be impressive 30 years ago. In 2014, all it tells me is that Mantai Teo’s imaginary friend delusions make a lot more sense.
In an “immaculate deception” sort of way…
Among other useless coaching methods, Jones told players that football wouldn’t exist without the Christian lord and savior, and that Jesus belongs in the huddle, even though that’s obviously a 5-yard penalty.
Twelve disciples in the huddle, yeah.
So, in honor of the newly resigned (read about to be fired) Jones … Let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Failed Religious Sports Teams” … GO!!!
Notre Dame!
Well played! But I was thinking more like … JC Milan … Re-Allah Madrid … Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark
If we’re allowing movies about failed religious sports teams, then my answer is Rudy.
Well played again! But I mean like … The Nashville Sexual Predators … The Dallas Plow Boys
Sounds like they play in “A Catholic League of Their Own” …
Ok I Iike the movie titles … Let’s roll with it … What about “Million Dollar Baby Jesus”?
Original Cinderella Man
Papal Bull Durham
Parting the Red Seabiscuit
Any Given Sunday School
Bang the Kids Slowly?
King of Kingpins
Judas Iscariots of Fire
Semi-Pro Life
Raging Bullshit
The Fast Boy Scout
Or Run Altarboy Run. Either way, the priest ends up with Varsity Blue-Balls.
Bad New Prayers Don’t Work
Christian asshole resigns from assistant football coach position at UConn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/18/uconn-assistant-football-coach-who-said-jesus-christ-should-be-in-the-center-of-our-huddle-resigns
They don’t. And I think that’s actually as good a point to close on as any we’ve made. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back, Jay Novella from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe will be here to Skeptically Guide us through the Universe.
Outro:
Before we dismiss the royal guard tonight I wanted to make everybody aware of a very cool fundraiser that our friends at Secular (dot) FM are putting together. They’re doing a 24 hour live broadcast to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief. It’s running all day this Sunday, the 23rd, starting and ending at midnight. Tanner Campbell, Mark Nebo and David Viviano are hosting the thing and they’ve got a list of guests that makes me drool: Dale McGowan, Seth Andrews, Shelley Segal, JT Eberhard, DJ Grothe, Jessica Ahlquist, Jerry DeWitt, Dave Muscato… and I’m seriously just scratching the surface.
I’d strongly encourage you to check it out; it should be a lot of fun and it’s for a good cause. You’ll find links to more info on the shownotes for this episode.
https://www.facebook.com/secularprogramming
I also wanted to apologize for the 2 Chronicles poem getting bumped again but we needed the time for the interview. I promise it’ll be on next week’s show.
And, of course, I need to give Jay another big thanks for coming on the show. Very awesome guy, super passionate about what he does and one of the real pioneers of podcasting so thrilled to have him on. I also need to thank Heath for his indefatigable sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up tonight and I need to thank Matt from Chicago for his awesome Farnsworth quote (slash) Cafepress plug (slash) rape joke.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most prestigious paragons of personhood, Thomas, Tim, Brad, Tyler, Kenny, Shelby, Vinnie, Geoff, April, Leo, Wayne, Liam, Richard and Tom. Thomas and Tim, whose reflexes and strength are so great they could be empowered by radioactive spiders and not notice; Brad and Tyler, whose levers are long enough for Archimedes if we could just find the fulcrum; Kenny and Shelby, the Wonder Twins of atheism, except that neither of them has a power that sucks compared to the other one; Vinnie and Geoff, who are hot enough to melt vanadium; April and Leo, who are so awesome they named a month and a sign of the zodiac after them; Wayne and Liam, whose attractiveness holds the key to zero point energy; and Richard and Tom, who have to turn away more pussy than a Friskies audition.
These fourteen upright, upstanding, uproarious, uplifting individuals have proved their up-ness this week by giving us money. Only the most atheistic of all atheists have the atheism it takes to give us money, but if you think you disbelieve in god enough, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And remember, size matters. Help us grow our social media presence by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, subscribing to us on YouTube and circling us or whatever on that Google one. And rate us on iTunes and favorite us on Stitcher and subscribe to our blog and Jesus I’m needy.
If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 51 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright, Noah Lugeons and Cecil & Tom
Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints
Warning: This podcast contains all the dirty words Bill Nye wanted to say to Ken Ham on Tuesday night but couldn’t.
Sponsor:
This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Holy Whole Foods: Overpriced, Scripture-Approved Entire Groceries
Tired of secular supermarkets and their blatant disregard for ancient Middle Eastern dietary restrictions?!? Tired of their once-bitten synthetic produce, their partially-finished bottles of backwash, and their scooped out Reese’s Cups?!? For a large fee, we’ll change all that, and pay a guy to wave a wand near our warehouse.
Holy Whole Foods: Our Kosher Aisle is so big, it’s disputed by Palestine.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s February 6th,
And it’s the first week of White Guilt Month. Black jokes are still okay, but Asian jokes can be a slippery slope.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from “New Jersey’s Pimp”, New York, New York…
…and “Florida’s Ho”, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
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We learn how to use bankruptcy to get free kid rapes,
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Cecil and Tom will drop by for a little Cognitive Dissonance,
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And we’ll end free speech, free sight, and free hearing … to make Helen Keller feel better.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
Time to hang up our spurs guys and gals. Turns out the war’s over… Apparently we won. Congrats. But now we’re done being atheists activists and we can just shut the fuck up about it. The Christians get it; they’re stupid, prayer doesn’t work and we all just die. They’ve decided to continue being religious anyway, but they get it so we don’t have to talk about it anymore. They’re still going to try to teach their religion in schools and claim legal exemptions based on it and influence foreign policy with it and shove it down our throats and everything, but they get it; there is no god.
And if you haven’t figured out what I’m sarcastically agreeing with yet, let me quickly summarize every god damn op-ed published about atheism by a major news outlet in the last three months.
“Hi, I’m an atheist, and like all atheists, I’ve always expressed my atheism by chasing religious people around after church and challenging them to explain the logistics of Noah’s Ark. I spent my days searching out religious people to berate about their stupid beliefs, until one day when I saw a sad person and they had a bible. And I realized that religion is a-okay and who am I to take that away from other people? Amen… I mean whatever we atheists say instead of Amen.”
I’ll link to a few examples in the shownotes but I hardly need to. This is the de facto media narrative about atheism moving into 2014. Atheists have had their say but now that all that stuff is out there we can just shut the fuck up about it. Religious people need their religion and if you try to take that away from them, you’re being a heartless prick.
The most egregious example I’ve seen was, no surprise, on the Guardian. In one of their bi-daily articles about what a racist asshole Richard Dawkins is last December holier-than-thou photographer Chris Arnade went so far as to claim that, and I quote “atheism is an intellectual luxury for the wealthy”. So down that <<Gran Patron>> and hide the rhodium plated triceratops skulls folks, they’re on to us.
He backs this up by claiming it several more times. His only citation is his anecdotal observation that a lot of heroin addicts are religious. Hey Chris, you know what else gives comfort to heroin addicts? Smack. I mean, while we’re using “things that comfort junkies” as our metric for societal benefit and everything…
This whole narrative is based on what can only be a purposeful misunderstanding of what motivates the atheist movement. Sure, we mercilessly mock the incestual implications of the Adam and Eve story and the sadistic perversity of the biblical god but that’s not what motivates us. We got into this not because we believe religion is silly, but because we believe it is harmful. The fact that it’s silly just makes it easier to mock.
In order to play the “poor people need religion” gambit, you have to first concede that religion is a beneficial force which is, of course, the exact opposite of what we believe. The author makes no attempt to justify the unspoken assumption that religion plays some positive role in the lives of these addicts. He just points out that a lot of them pray and have bibles. A lot of them have track marks and HIV too, so I’m not sure what point he thought he was making, but clearly it’s some derivation of the “Smart, affluent people like us can be atheists, but these lesser people need their psychologically-crippling, laughably antiquated paradigm.”
But even if you set that all aside and grant Chris’ wildly indefensible assertion that religion provides a comfort to destitute people that a secular worldview couldn’t, his point would still be meaningless. Who’s to say that geocentrism wouldn’t provide the same comfort? After all, thinking that the sun revolves around you would make you feel way more important, wouldn’t it? And wouldn’t we all be a little bit happier every day if we believed that Kermit the Frog was a real dude that we might someday happen upon at the deli? Wouldn’t we all feel better? Wouldn’t it give our lives more meaning?
So I’ll make a deal with you, Chris. I’ll try to keep my “slapping the bible out of the hands of heroin addicts” to a minimum, but I’m not throwing in the towel just yet. I didn’t sign the armistice, so anybody who wants to wave their white flag is free to do so, but I’ll keep my spurs on, thank you very much. Vive la raison!
Guardian Piece: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/24/atheism-richard-dawkins-challenge-beliefs-homeless
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who hates more people by 9am than most people hate all day, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to unload some pre-breakfast avarice?
This is word for word, what the guy in front of me at the bagel store said to the cashier. I burned it into my brain as I walked home: (quote) “It’s been really cold, but I heard it’s getting warmer today. Seems like everything happens in 20 year cycles. I guess that contradicts Al Gore’s global warming theory, like in books. I’m not a scientist, but I reed the internet. Gotta sell those newspapers. Anything’s possible.” (end quote) This is a full-grown adult human being.
Did you follow him long enough to see if he got the bagel into the correct orifice? I’m dying to know now.
Well his 47th chromosome kept dangling in the way, but for better or worse, he put the bagel in the same orifice the bullshit was coming out of earlier. Interesting two way valve … Bagel entry, bullshit exit.
Frees up room in his ass for his head, I suppose.
In our lead story tonight, from the “Mean jokes hurt my vagina through my legal briefs” file, Fordham University law professor and Willy Wonka stunt double – Thane Rosenbaum – is suggesting the First Amendment needs to stop protecting the mean kid that picked on him in school. Apparently he would always fuck up the rubber and glue thing, so he decided it’s probably best to constitutionally ban all speaking, if you don’t have something nice to say. Religious whiners have to promise not to abuse the proposed law.
And for the record, Heath’s not being vague here or anything. This dude is actually calling for the criminalization of words that hurt people’s feelings.
Rosencrantz argues (quote) “In placing limits on speech we privilege physical over emotional harm. Indeed, we have an entire legal system, and an attitude toward speech, that takes its cue from a nursery rhyme: ‘Stick and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.'” (end quote) … Yes!!! Of fucking course we do!!! Of fucking course we have a legal system that says physical harm is worse than emotional harm!!!
Not according to Rosenstein. He claims that emotional harm is even worse than physical harm. So I propose an experiment. Me and him, in a room. He gets a thesaurus, I get a ball peen hammer. Whoever cries uncle first loses. Science, bitches.
And it’s good, observational science. Maybe you could murder Ken Ham with a hammer too. I don’t like the fact that bigots and racists are allowed to talk, but I don’t always sell the sarcasm when I talk, so I’d be censored all the time too. If we’re drawing a line … “No being attacked with sticks and stones by constitutionally protected violent packs of Neo-Nazis” seems like a reasonable place. But you have to let them say ‘kike’, or else I can’t say ‘kike’ ironically like this.
Also, I left a comment on the article saying I was offended by the article and he didn’t take it down, so clearly this is all lip-service.
Exactly!!! Guildenstern seems to be ignoring the fact that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING is offensive to some over-sensitive asshole. SCIENCE is offensive to a good chunk of this country!!! … I won’t mention any names – but there’s a Muslim religion out there that was incited to violent riots and murder plots, when a newspaper released some cartoon drawings of their dude. This is America, and our founding fathers intended for us to make YouTube videos of Muhammad getting hit in the crotch with a shovel, and sharing a cup with two girls. Can a brotha get a mental image fatwa?!? Please – I’m begging!!!
Mean jokes hurt my vagina: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/01/30/should-neo-nazis-be-allowed-free-speech.html <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/04/law-professor-says-free-speech-in-the-u-s-goes-too-far-wants-to-criminalize-causing-hurt-feelings
And in “Go ahead and set up the clock right away” news, Pope Frango Unchained reserved himself at least 30 seconds of coverage on our show by blessing the parrot of an Italian porn star and former world-champion of male strippers with the stage name “GuyBlowj”.
Popes are bless-whores, though. He’s out there in St. Peter’s Square; “I’ll bless this bitch, I’ll bless that bitch… I’ll bless anything that moves!!!”
“I hate guys!!! I love birds!!!” So that all happened. Might as well get straight to it. I guess we’re looking for papal porn titles with bird involvement??? … And it’s almost like he’s challenging us – personally – to work all three concepts into the segment. I say we fucking do it!!! This might be the first ever list of triple entendre religious porn titles with birds. Right here, exclusively on The Scathing Atheist!!! Christian Pornithology Titles: GO!!!
Okay, but the transcript of this show is gonna link some pretty fucked up search terms to our blog… how about… fuck, this is really hard. How about… you go first.
“Mass Pirates of the Caribbean” … Someone would fuck the parrot at some point. Or maybe the parrot- you get the idea.
“Rectums in the Rectory: The Back Door to Parrot-ice”
“Fowl Balls with the Taint Louis Cardinals” … Tagline: “Sliding Head First Into Third Base”
Pope Who’s Your Fraddy and his Papal Balls in “Whip Out Your Tits”… because, you know, tits are a type of bird. Or hooters. I could have gone hooters. Or boobies.
“What Would Jesus Goo: Osprey it Forward”
“Canary-Caged Clergy: Albatrossing the Salad”
In honor of the champs … “Holy SeeHawks Tight End Vultures Touch Down There.”
And in honor of the 8th runner up for the last NFC Wild Card spot, “Jesus Falcon Christ”
“Priests Bask in Robin the Cradle”
The Cockring of the Kingfisher-man
“Blowing Through Bible College: Loads of Sermon Are Easy to Swallow”
“Woody Good-Pecker: Confessionals of a Sapsucker”
The Penis Miter than the Sword … Bird- Fuck!!! …
Pope blesses male porn star’s pet parrot: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/31/pope-francis-porn-star-parrot_n_4703413.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Muggin’ Queers for Jesus” news tonight, Colorado Springs fundamentalist reverend Michael Abromovich proved this week that it’s getting harder and harder to break into “Anti-gay pastor caught with gay prostitute” newscycle fame this week by adding a new twist. Instead of just fucking them and condemning them to hell, Abromovich allegedly kidnapped and robbed his man-whores while impersonating a police officer. Because felonies are like Pokemon.
And STDs, if you’re fucking gay prostitutes.
According to reports, the rascally reverend found his victims on a special website reserved for felonious perverts in search of vulnerable targets called “Craig’s List”. He would then arrange for a romantic rendezvous with them and when they arrived he would announce himself as a US Marshall, then handcuff and rob them.
Well the way some of these gay whores were dressed in their profile pic, they’re almost asking for it. Seriously though, if you actually wanted to sell that service, how do you legally advertise “I’ll be the terrorist’s wife, and you be the FBI Agent that abducts me and tortures me at GitMo.”???
A question I’ve been asking myself for years. An imaginary spokesman for Abromovich’s church told the Scathing Atheist that (quote) “It’s alright on account of he was just robbin’ ‘em, not fuckin’ ‘em in the butthole… so god’s cool with it”
Pastor hired male prostitutes and then robbed them by pretending to be a cop: http://www.christianpost.com/news/colo-pastor-charged-with-impersonating-police-robbery-and-kidnapping-after-propositioning-men-on-craigslist-113551/
And in “Decepti-Con” news tonight, the Southern Baptist Convention is hosting an event in Nashville aimed at teaching pastors how to trick people into abstaining from things like watching porn, being gay, … and being straight from age thirteen through nineteen.
Hmm… Well I guess nothing inspires abstinence like a southern baptist sex convention. Shame the pope blessed that parrot-fucker or we could put a few seconds on the clock for some Baptist abstinence porn.
I’d like to assume the general theme at this thing would be that nearly every single set of sexual behaviors is better than the church’s current go-to scandal makers. But even if they decided to be bold and come out against rabid homophobia and organized pedophilia, I’m sure they’ll have some nuanced panel discussions to really think it all through.
Yeah, because the absurd denial of the most potent animalian instinct has been working so well for them so far…
The church claims it might reword its current stance on sex, which reads something like: “Build up blue balls for about a decade, and then lose your virginity on your wedding night over the course of one pump, at which point you blow a 10-year load down her Fallopian Tubes like a shotgun, spawning octuplets. Repeat this 5-second experience once every nine months until your wife’s vagina explodes.”
Southern Baptist Convention to sponsor sex summit: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/01/27/topics-at-summit-hosted-by-southern-baptist-leadership-include-teen-sex/
And finally tonight, in “Helena Handbasket” news tonight, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Helena, Montana will become the latest diocese to declare bankruptcy in connection with forcing their cocks into children. The diocese is accused of covering up the molestation of at least 362 children in a state with the population density of the Sahara desert, so I guess kudos for finding that many kids of raping age.
That many unwilling kids … of raping age. By the way, what is the age of non-consent in Montana? Same as Vatican City?
A spokesman for the Vatican said, (quote) “Don’t worry about it, we’ve got plenty of money and we want to make sure that those poor victimized children that were subject to our sinister and willful neglect get full monetary restitution for the sadistic crimes we knowingly subjected them to, so we’ll step in and cover the bill” (end quote) adding (quote), “No, I’m fucking with you, we don’t give a shit about raped kids.”
It would be offensive to put a dollar value on rape victimhood, so they’re putting no dollars on it. If you’re willing to wait in the long “rape victim” line … which must operate like a busy DMV at this point … the Vatican can get you some shekels and a railroad bond.
No, the raped kids are getting some cash in the settlement. As it turns out there is a dollar value on one’s innocence and prepubescent anal virginity and that value is a little under forty grand before taxes. As part of the negotiated settlement the church will pay out 2.5 million dollars of the total 15 million they were ordered to pay to the 362 known victims of just this diocese. The remaining 12.5 million will be paid by insurers which means that, whatever they choose to call it, Catholic churches have “butt-raping-children” insurance.
Gotta cover your ass … When Geico wrote that policy, the premium must have been tiny. “What should I charge these guys? There’s NO WAY the Catholic Church is gonna systematically cover up thousands of clergy rapes … is there? Why would anyone even ask for this type of insurance?”
Well according to Thane Jewy-name from the lead story, at least these priests had the decency to rape their assholes instead of calling them assholes.
This show is so fucking highbrow that we have anti-semitic Hamlet references built in with our rape jokes. Shakespeare bitches!!!
Catholic Diocese in Montana files for bankruptcy with 350+ abuse settlements pending: http://www.detroitnews.com/article/20140131/NATION/301310087/1041/LIFESTYLE04/Catholic-diocese-Montana-file-bankruptcy-protection
And on that liberal application of gravitas, we’ll close the headlines segment. Heath, thanks for joining me.
Jumanji!
And when we return Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to see which of us can say fuck more times in ten minutes.
Skit:
NOAH
Joining us tonight is intrepid podcaster and reigning champion of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast. Cecil, welcome to the Scathing Atheist.
CECIL
Thanks for having me on.
NOAH
I invited you on to talk about your extremely funny and well-produced podcast, but before we get to that I suppose I should congratulate you. As many of our listeners know, we both participated in a Secular Podcasters’ Fantasy Football League this season and met in the championship game, where you exploited the unfair advantage of having both the number one fantasy quarterback in the league and the number one fantasy running back in the league to narrowly defeat me.
CECIL
Responds with good sportsmanship and humility
NOAH
Now you and your partner Tom do an excellent podcast called Cognitive Dissonance where you tackle atheist and skeptical issues with the same vulgar irreverence that Heath and I strive for here. In the past three years, you’ve interviewed some of the leading lights in the skeptical movement including David Silverman, Matt Dillahunty, Seth Andrews, Mike Hall, Sean Faircloth, DJ Grothe, George Hrab and Michael Marshall. So my first question to you is how the fuck does a person win a fantasy championship when they’re starting Logan-fucking-Paulsen at tight end?
CECIL
It’s actually funnier than that – I drafted Heath Miller, who was hurt for 4 weeks of the season, then when he got better he scored as many fucking points as he did on the bench. The Logan Paulsen thing was trying to fill a roster spot through free agency at the end of the year… You know like most of your team. HA HA Just Kidding! [Thinking you are joking around] No, it’s been great. We’ve had good guests…. blah blah blah
NOAH
Okay, and I guess the obvious question is whether it’s harder or easier to do your show every week with the guilty knowledge that you crushed the hopes and dreams of everyone else in our fantasy league. Have you lost any sleep over that?
CECIL
If anything I’ve been sleeping better. I find that my natural melatonin levels go up the more dreams that I crush. [still thinking you are joking around]
NOAH
Well, did it ever occur to you that for you to win, that meant everybody else in the world had to NOT win? That doesn’t eat away at you like a carnivorous bacteria? Because I think it should.
CECIL
Ummm – bro, it’s just a game…. Can we talk about podcasting now?
NOAH
Yeah… Sorry. I just… okay, so you and Tom have been a team for quite some time. You’ve recorded over one hundred and thirty episodes of Cognitive Dissonance and before that you guys did a movie review podcast together.
CECIL
Everyone’s a Critic, yeah.
NOAH
So do you think that your friendship will suffer if Tom ever learns what a heartless cheater you are when it comes to Fantasy Football?
CECIL
How the fuck did I cheat? I didn’t make a single trade all year. What, did I crack in the back end of Yahoo sports? How the fuck could you possibly cheat at Fantasy Football?
NOAH
A secret you’ll no doubt take to your grave.
CECIL
Do you have any actual podcast related questions for me, or did you just invite me on so you can be butt hurt about me beating you at Fantasy Football?
NOAH
Okay, I’ve got a podcast related question for you, Cheaty McCheaterson, do you cheat at that too? Do you just download your own show over and over again to move up the iTunes ranks?
CECIL
Did you fucking get multiple accounts to give us negative ratings? Jesus christ – I’m done.
NOAH
Yeah, you know, I figured you’d plead the fifth at some point, so I brought along a character witness as well. So in our best podcasting equivalent to someone running out from backstage slapping and pulling hair, after you failed a lie detector test about fatherhood, Tom, do we have you on the line?
TOM
Yep.
NOAH
Tom, welcome to the show, you are by far my favorite co-host of Cognitive Dissonance and, as I understand it, the one that never cheats at Fantasy Football.
TOM
Thanks. You have excellent taste in Cognitive Dissonance hosts.
NOAH
So, Tom, how much do you know about Fantasy Football?
TOM
About as much as I know about lunar geography.
NOAH
Okay, so let me give you a brief description…
TOM
I’d rather you didn’t…
NOAH (Talking over TOM)
It’s a game where friends get together and predict which players they think will perform the best each week. And it’s really fun until somebody like Cecil comes through and sucks all the joy out of it like a grid-iron succubus. So my question to you is, in your experience, is Cecil a big, fat cheater?
TOM
Well… he’s big and fat.
CECIL
Tom, I’ve watched you eat a whole half a cow in one sitting. You unhinged your jaw like a python so you could fit more in your face.
NOAH
So Cecil, when you’re cheating at Fantasy Football, do you find it easier if you dehumanize your opponents or do you just have a sociopathic disjunction with human empathy?
CECIL
(Sighs) Alright, Noah, enough. We get it, you’re a sore loser.
NOAH
Not when I lose fair.
CECIL
You started Jay Cutler at Quarterback! You put Percy Harvin on your roster 6 fucking weeks before he was healthy! You started Dwayne Bowe, for fuck’s sake. He hadn’t had a good game all season. Look, you invited me on to this show to talk about our podcast. If I’d known you were just gonna berate me for kicking your ass at Fantasy, I wouldn’t have bothered.
NOAH
Kicking my ass!? You won by less than four points!
TOM
Should I just go get a burger or something?
CECIL
It’s amazing what four well placed points can do….
NOAH
…Cheat Loaf Sandwich…
CECIL
When you…
NOAH
…Trick or Cheat…
CECIL
Alright, listen…
NOAH
…I’ll listen on my “Cheats by Dr. Dre” headphones.
CECIL
Okay, I’m done.
NOAH
Fine. Then I’m done too.
CECIL
Fine.
NOAH
Fine.
(a second of awkward silence)
TOM
C’mon guys. We’re all friend’s here.
NOAH
I’m not friends with… Cheater Frampton over there. [Cheater frampton made me lol]
TOM
C’mon, Noah… we all set aside some time this evening, set up the gear… it’s not too late to salvage the interview.
NOAH
Well, I’m not talking to Cheatwood Mac until he apologizes for cheating in the championship game.
CECIL
Until I apologize? I think if anybody here deserves an apology, it’s me.
NOAH
Tom, can you tell Don Cheatle over there that I don’t apologize to cheaters?
CECIL
Oh for fuck’s sake!
TOM
(Awkwardly) Cecil, Noah… um… doesn’t apologize…
CECIL
(Sternly) I heard him Tom.
NOAH
You see? You see how he gets?
CECIL
How I get!? You’re acting like a four year old. And what’s more, you do this all the time. You got like this every time you lost a match all year.
NOAH
Tom, can you tell Cecil, “Did not”?
TOM
Cecil, Noah says, “did not.”
CECIL
Really? Well it turns out that I also brought along a character witness. Heath, do we have you on the line?
HEATH
Yo.
CECIL
So Heath, you were in this fantasy football league with Noah and I. Let me ask you, is he a sore loser?
HEATH
He once put his head through my rear windshield over a game of washers. <<Game wasn’t even over yet.>>
CECIL
And in your estimation, is he a childish dick a lot of the time?
HEATH
Not only is he a childish dick, but according to Lucinda, he has a childish dick as well. <<Like a roll of quarters.>> [DIMES]
NOAH
Hey!
TOM
My wife says there’s nothing wrong with that.
CECIL
He’s like that when he does the podcast, too, isn’t he?
HEATH
We only recorded one segment with our dicks out, and I didn’t- Oh you mean being a draconian bastard… yeah.
CECIL
I don’t know why you do it. You know, you don’t have to put up with an abusive co-host.
HEATH
It’s tough, but I don’t want to do the editing.
CECIL
It’s not that hard.
NOAH
Tom, can you tell Heath that I’m no longer talking to him, either?
TOM
Heath, Noah’s not…
CECIL
Is recording with him always like this?
HEATH
Yep.
NOAH
Tom, can you tell Heath to tell Cecil that it is not?
CECIL
You know, Heath, we might have room for you over at Cognitive Dissonance, if it can help get you out of this abusive relationship.
HEATH
Really?
CECIL
Sure. You’re way funnier than Tom.
TOM
Wait, what?
CECIL
Sorry, bro, but it’s true. Have you heard this dude when he gets going?
TOM
(Offended) Well… Noah, can you tell Cecil that “Fuck you”?
NOAH
No, because I’m not talking to him, but I can text Heath and ask him to tell him.
CECIL
Just think about how much easier your life could be, Heath.
NOAH
Okay then, you know what, fuck it. Tom and I are gonna make our own show. C’mon Tom…
(Fade in Cog-Dis theme)
TOM
This is the Cognitive Atheist. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way; we put 30 seconds on the clock; we bring critical thinking, skepticism and naughty bible stories to any topic that makes the news, makes it big or makes for good dick jokes. It’s scathing, it’s political and there is no Cecil or Heath. This is episode number… um…(sound of shuffling through papers)
NOAH
One, Tom. This is episode one.
TOM
Right. Episode one.
Outro:
Before we declare victory tonight, I wanted to let everybody know about a very awesome book they might want to pick up. Just got a copy of it myself and I can’t recommend it enough. For those of you who have neglected our numerous warnings that reading the bible sucks and insist on reading along with the Holy Babble segment anyway, I’d like to recommend Steve Wells’ excellent “Skeptic’s Annotated Bible”, which gives you the full King James along with the kind of commentary and annotations our audience craves in a bible. We’ll try to get Steve on the show soon to talk about this massive undertaking, but between now and then you can pick up a copy on Amazon or check it out online at SkepticsAnnotatedBible.com. You’ll find a link on the shownotes.
Skeptic’s Annotated Bible on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Skeptics-Annotated-Bible-Steve-Wells-ebook/dp/B00I76ROXK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391705185&sr=8-1&keywords=the+skeptic%27s+annotated+bible
Online Version: http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. I had the honor of being the first guest panelist on the new podcast Atheistically Speaking (from the people that brought you Thomas and the Bible) and you’ll be able to hear that… I believe next Thursday, but I’ll be posting links on Facebook, Twitter and the blog as soon as they’re available so keep up with us there.
Atheistically Speaking Podcast: http://atheisticallyspeaking.com/
Oh, and I’ve been told a number of times that I should spell it out, so if you want to find me on Twitter it’s at Noah Lugeons, that’s @NOAH (underscore) LUGEONS.
And speaking of Twitter, I wanted to thank Twitter Atheist extraordinaire “Secular Bloke” for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. One of my favorite online Twitter-ologists, definitely worth a follow. I also, of course, need to thank Tom and Cecil for being such good sports. When I asked them to come on and do a skit with us, I doubt they were expecting me to send over a ten page script so thanks a ton for that. And of course, if you haven’t checked out their show, you’ve gotta do that. If you like our show, which, let’s face it, you do, you’re probably gonna like theirs as well. Same blasphemously vulgar lack of a moral compass as you get here, but longer. You’ll find a link to their website on the shownotes for this episode as well.
Secular Bloke on Twitter: https://twitter.com/secularbloke
Cognitive Dissonance Podcast: http://dissonancepod.com/
But of course, we reserve our heartiest thanks for this week’s most distinguished disbelievers; Vin, Deb, Donovan, Michael, Alden, Alan, the very worth checking out Robives.com, Derek, Don, Crystal, Jeffrey, Krithika, Duffamongus, Stephen, Shawn the female, Sean the male, Ted, Dylan, Lawrence, Mike, Andrew, Dan, Will, the Scathing Atheist’s official Washington state secular wedding specialists, Puget Sound Celebrant Services and Richard.
These twenty six exceptional people, websites and secular wedding specialists have earned eternally archived praise and gratitude this week by giving us money. Only the most praiseworthy and salient people have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you share Vin, Deb, Donovan, Michael, Alden, Alan, the very worth checking out Robives.com, Derek, Don, Crystal, Jeffrey, Krithika, Duffamongus, Stephen, Shawn the female, Sean the male, Ted, Dylan, Lawrence, Mike, Andrew, Dan, Will, the Scathing Atheist’s official Washington state secular wedding specialists, Puget Sound Celebrant Services and Richard’s praiseworthy salience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help but lack the financial resources or the salient praiseworthiness to make a monetary donation, you can also help us a ton by taking a minute to leave us a glowing review on iTunes, sharing the show on whatever social media sites you frequent and telling a friend about the show.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 50 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright, Noah & Lucinda Lugeons and Eli Bosnick
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited due to time constraints)
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language. And this week, we’re going for the record.
Sponsor:
This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nepalese cancer-curing carbonated cow piss soda, Mount Hin-Du.
Mount Hin-Du; we put the Brahman in Brominated vegetable oil.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s January 30th
And we’re doing a full-hour this week, so you have to pay double.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from nearly 4th Avenue-less New York, New York…
…and less-than-4-avenues-having Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
-
A preacher learns the hard way that despite what the Bible says, poison can kill you,
-
I’ll offer a Nebraska state senator a rim job,
-
He’ll bargain his way up to a rusty trombone,
-
And Eli Bosnick will join us to justify a fourth bullet point.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
The other day I got an email from Tyler. Tyler used to be an atheist, but now he or she has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior and wanted to come on the show to tell all of us heathens the wonderful news about Jesus. He or she offered to answer any questions we might have about Jesus-iness with the warning that he or she was (quote) “not an expert in theology”.
So here I have this rare opportunity to speak with somebody who loves Jesus and doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. How could I say no? Well, here’s how:
“Thanks for your email, Tyler. I can only assume that you’ve never listened to the show and are only responding to the word ‘atheist’ in the title, but let me assure you that nobody who listens to our program wants to hear you talk about Jesus. Thanks anyway.”
To which Tyler offered a one word reply, (quote) “okay.”
This is not the first Christian who has tried to wriggle their way onto our docket of future guests. It used to happen once a month or so, but now I’m getting requests like these at least once a week. Some of them are from theists that want to debate the merit of their particular fantasy and some are from avid listeners that just want to hear that debate.
And my answer is always the same, though when it’s a listener I phrase it a bit more congenially. My answer is “no”, and if I’m pressed for an explanation it’s some derivative of “‘cause I don’t wanna.” I don’t want to engage these people, I don’t want to pretend that there’s some merit to their argument, I don’t want to listen to the blithering bastardization of science in their arsenal, I don’t want to be polite and I also don’t want to shout “go fuck yourself” at somebody I’ve invited on the show. What’s more, I don’t want to subject our listeners to it.
Not all of these aspiring guests are as cordial as Tyler, of course. Many of them lash out at me in response and accuse me of cowardice, of intellectual dishonesty, of insulating myself behind a wall of like-minded opinions. They paint the picture of a terrified psyche, desperately clinging to the untenable belief that invisible wizards play no part in human affairs, fearful that if somebody comes on our show and says Jesus a lot my worldview will crumble around me and the god-sized hole in my heart will bleed out.
The arrogance here would be staggering if I weren’t already so familiar with the audacity of Christian privilege. They seem to think that as an atheist I’m duty bound to offer equal time to the opinion that we started the podcast to offset; as though I’m under some obligation to use the platform we’ve created to promote the point of view antithetical to my own. It’s not enough for them that there are five hundred Christian programs for every atheist program, they want to be on ours as well. What’s more, they feel that they have some kind of divine right to it.
And why? Is it a staple of Christian entertainment to bring on the biblical scholar and show them how wrong they’ve got it? Do most sermons end with an atheist counterpoint? Does Joel O’Steen spend much time debating heathens on his podcast? And do these same bitter fuck monkeys that contact me also write in to Jewish podcasts and Buddhists podcasts and Wiccan podcasts demanding that they defend their faith in an Oxford style debate?
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not against public debates. As long as they’re not being used to raise money for an institution dedicated to anti-scientific indoctrination (ahem) Bill Nye (ahem), I’m all for the atheist community engaging. I’m glad there are people like Sam Harris and Shelly Kagan out there making William Lane Craig look stupid. And I’m happy there are shows like the Atheist Experience that take all comers and engage with whatever nincompoop calls in. I’m glad that shows like that exist, I just don’t want to host one.
And no, it’s not because I’m afraid I’ll lose. It’s pretty easy to win a debate when the other side is trying to prove that Jack’s beanstalk really existed. But just because I can shovel a large pile of shit doesn’t mean I want to, and it sure doesn’t mean that anybody would want to listen to it if I did.
Besides, debate isn’t just about presenting the better argument. Sometimes the person with all the facts on their side can lose a debate in the eyes of the audience just by seeming arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting. And if there’s anything this show has proven in its first 49 episodes, it’s that I’m arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines this week is semi-professional vulgarian Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to be vulgar?
What, no fancy montage for me?
(Heath cursing montage)
Do I really fucking curse that much?
In our lead story tonight, Oklahoma Republican lawmaker Mike Turner has proposed a bill that would protect Oklahomans from the dark forces of two-cock wedlock this week by banning marriage altogether. Arguing that the fucking baby shouldn’t have been mixed in with the bathwater in the first place, Turner argues that the courts have left him no other legal recourse for his wretched, small-minded hostility.
Are they under the impression that the gay-marriage-ban thing has been working so far?!? If they let this one slide, dudes are gonna start having butt sex for the first time? Spawning gay families?
The scrap of sanity hidden in his morass of malevolence is the Libertarian notion that states shouldn’t be in the business of regulating marriage, a point that might have debatable merit if it weren’t derived entirely from faith-fueled fanaticism. To his credit, Turner makes no attempt to sell this legislation as based on high-minded principles; crediting the inspiration for the move entirely to god’s well-advertised hatred of fags.
Can we stop pretending that legislation about the definition of the word ‘marriage’ makes any fucking difference. This is Christian assholes finding absurdist measures to make sure gay people can’t get taxed fairly. As if eternal damnation isn’t punishment enough.
Ryan Kiesel, executive director of the Oklahoma ACLU characterizes the move as desperate political posturing that is all but guaranteed to fail. When asked about the proposed ban, Kiesel called the legislators backing the bill (quote) “…out of touch with most Oklahomans” (end quote), though off the record I’m sure he called them a hell of a lot worse than that.
Oklahoma Republican introduces bill to block gay marriage in by outlawing marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/01/25/oklahoma-republicans-bill-would-block-same-sex-marriage-by-stopping-all-marriages/
And in “Ejaculate the Ripper” news, Georgia church official Craig Lamar Davis was found guilty of felony charges, for willfully spreading the HIV virus, despite his defense that his AIDS diagnosis only happened because of all the crack he smokes. When asked by prosecutors: “Then why are you taking AIDS medicine?” … Davis responded that it’s a preventative measure, after he heard a rumor that coincidentally all the women he sleeps with have AIDS somehow.
So here’s how fucked the Davis defense team was: Apparently part of their defense strategy was to put some AIDS denialists on the stand and argue that there’s no such thing as AIDS. And that AIDS doesn’t come from HIV. And that HIV tests are all bullshit anyway. Hard to imagine how they lost this one.
Apparently it’s easier to get a job at a church than it is to become an Amsterdam hooker. And Amsterdam hookers can literally be high on crack in the interview, as long as they don’t also have AIDS. Bottom line: They preside over similar amounts of sexual activity, but Dutch pimps are far more responsible about it (and consensual about it) than God’s HR department.
The thing they actually found him guilty of was “reckless HIV”. That’s how they actually phrase it; two counts of reckless HIV. Makes me think of him accidentally jacking off on somebody’s salad or something, “Oh, I’m sorry, did I get HIV on your plate? How reckless of me.”
And because I’m also a twisted fuck, this story made me think of Billy Joel playing $10,000 Pyramid with Peter Griffin …
Billy Joel: “AIDS … Crack … Bernie Goetz …”
Peter Griffin: “Things that kill black people?”
I was gonna go with “things that have been in Amy Winehouse’s vagina”
But I think we’re a little off track, so just to summarize: The church official didn’t know about his AIDS because of the crack, and then couldn’t help but jizz-murder those women, because good Christians don’t use condoms.
This story has crack, HIV, and church: http://www.ajc.com/news/news/defendant-in-hiv-trial-found-guilty/ncwb6
And from the “At the Very God Damned Least” file tonight, a Nepalese court has ruled that when you rob children of their youth in order to worship them as temporary incarnations of a mythical being for a few years before tossing them back into the world educationally and socially retarded, you have to give them money.
Right assuming they only work their prepubescent slave-goddesses 60 hours a week for 5 years, they get about 78 cents an hour back-pay, spread out over 10 years, assuming laid-off Pre-Cogs can get new work and survive in society for that long.
The ruling was a small step toward righting the insane and despicable institution of “Kumari”, in which little girls are worshipped as living goddesses until they get a muff tuft. Apparently the girls are selected by strict physical criterion that includes shit like (quote) “an unblemished body, a chest like a lion and thighs like a deer.” But just in case the thought of a team of experts examining the chests and thighs of prepubescent girls didn’t boil your blood at all, the few girls who are unlucky enough to meet the strict physical requirements must then prove their bravery by not crying while watching a buffalo get slaughtered. At ages as young as FOUR. And then the winner gets to live in a temple where they’ll be paraded around as objects of worship while not getting an education or having a childhood.
America has a more efficient system for dealing with the JonBenet Ramseys in our culture, when we’re done with them.
I think it’s important to note that the court isn’t ending this practice. They’re not phasing it out or forcing the temple to give the girls eight hours a day of education and some free time to fuck around with a rainbow loom or anything. All they’ve done here is ruled that the girls have to be paid a pension for a few years after all this psychological abuse. So apparently they weren’t even doing that.
Nepalese girls kidnapped by prehistoric nonsense to be compensated: http://www.gulf-times.com/nepal/250/details/377883/ex-kumari-welcomes-pension
And in “C-word isn’t just for Caucasian” news, Christian talking head and vice-presidential candidate abortion Sarah Palin celebrated Martin Luther King Day by telling President Obama that in honor of her nigga MLK, he should stop playing the race card … Which is physically impossible. Black people can’t stop playing the race card. Barack Obama, despite his very best efforts, can’t just get a white library card and stop being a black President.
Yeah, she’s on a limb even in her own party on this one. Most republican Christians don’t want to revoke the race card; they just want to make sure you bring three forms of ID when you renew it.
There is speculation that Palin’s comments were a response to a recent New Yorker article, in which an Obama quote points out that some people like the idea of a black President, and some people dislike the idea of a black President. Apparently this self-evident truth came off as a venomous Black Panther rant to the Alaskan hockey mom, who runs a neighborhood watch that helps NORAD visually detect Russian nuclear attacks. If she’s scared of Obama, I want to see her interviewed with Richard Sherman.
Well she does have some credential on this issue. She was the governor of Alaska and you can see black people from Alaska, so she probably knows her shit.
So is it just me, or do you wish that MLK could hate fuck Sarah Palin, and you could pay $100 to watch??? … Famous civil rights leaders fucking awful white bitches … That’s a porn goldmine. Which segues smoothly to about half a minute of clever new titles we’ll think up on the spot, right now.
30 seconds on the clock. Civil rights leaders fantasy porn titles: GO!!!
“White Dicks Palin Comparison to Malcolm’s XXL”
Susan B. On-her-knees starring in “The Undergown Railroad”
Right, with Harriet Chubman as the black hermaphrodite.
“Nelson Mandela Living in Bondage: Apar-Tied to the Bed Posts.”
Three Missing Civil Rights Workers, One Cup? Too soon? To do another two girls one cup joke?
No such thing. The whole point of the genre is to see Anne Coulter get shat on …
So what about “Scat Turner’s Revolt”??? … “Desmond’s Number Tutu”???
Gotta get some guy on guy golden shower titles in there too, like “Martin Luther Queen in ‘I Have a Stream’”. I believe Frederick Dug-Ass was in that too.
Pee at last! Pee at last! …
Louis Farra-Conjugal Visits: The Insemi-Nation of Islam … Filmed on location at Martha Stewart’s Country Club Jail: Where choking a bitch is a white collar crime.
I like the Suffrage and Discipline stuff. Like Elizabeth Cady Strap-on.
“Rosa Parks It in the Rear” … That one’s ironic, because black women don’t usually like anal.
Jesse Jacks-Off Jesse Jackson?
What about “Hand Jobs for Strokely Carmichael: Finally some white people doing manual labor.”
W.E.T. DuBoys and Medgar Whenevers in N Double D CP
Sarah Palin lectures Obama on race for MLK Day: http://www.latimes.com/local/abcarian/la-me-ra-on-mlk-day-tonedeaf-sarah-palin-says-obama-plays-the-race-card-20140120,0,3099194.story#axzz2rPG7wjaO
And in the disturbingly thin “Midwestern lawmakers who aren’t dogmatic turd-cuddlers” file, Nebraska state senator and openly atheist pioneer Ernie Chambers has introduced a bill that would eliminate state property-tax exemptions for churches. Because you’d have to be a fucking idiot not see the logic in that. Unfortunately for the future of the proposal, his colleagues largely don’t see the logic in that.
I love this guy Ernie Chambers, but his title “Most Atheist Member of the Nebraska State Senate” isn’t that impressive. Neither is “Smartest Member of the Nebraska State Senate” or “Blackest Member of the Nebraska State Senate”. It’s like “Oldest Kid in the Cancer Ward”.
The language of his bill read almost like an audition to be a co-host on this show. He basically just copied the existing list of exemptions and crossed out the word “religious” wherever it appeared. He didn’t delete it, mind you, he left it there, but crossed out. And as if that wasn’t awesome enough, in his statement of intent for the bill he reminded his Christian colleagues that Jesus was all about rendering unto Caesar what was Caesar’s and closed with the following actual quote: “All things considered, I expect my colleagues to say, regarding this bill: “Let thy will be done.” To which I can atone: “Amen.” (end quote)
Yeah his whole statement of intent was hilarious. My favorite line might have been his opener: (quote) “The purpose of LB 675 is to help the State gain more revenue, rather than less, by taking away churches’ property tax exemptions.” (end quote)
Yeah, I would almost lick this dude’s asshole based solely on this story. Of course, unlike the “outlaw-marriage so fags can’t have ‘em” bill we discussed earlier, this one has absolutely no chance of success, but it did boost Chambers into potential running mate status with Barney Frank in the Scathing Atheist’s involuntary presidential ticket for 2016.
Senator suggests taxing property: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/nebraskas-atheist-state-senator-introduces-bill-that-would-force-churches-to-pay-property-taxes
And in “Natural Born Again Killers” news, it’s been 613 days, so it’s no longer too soon to laugh at West Virginia preacher Mark Wolford, who died from a rattlesnake bite after performing a service with the deadly reptile on May 27, 2012. As is often heard when redneck psychopaths have a mishap, someone yelled: “You get the truck! I’ll get the snake bite juice!” But instead of driving the truck to the hospital, Wolford was taken to a nearby safe house where they routinely take snake bite victims to rest themselves back to health. And because that’s stupid, he died.
If only all stupid was that fatal.
These guys are pushing that envelope as best they can. Adherents of venomous snake handling cite God’s words from Mark 16: “In my name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” (end quote) …
This particular passage of the Bible has caused an entire category at the Darwin Awards. Among the former winners is Wolford’s father, who also died of a snake bite the same way. And as he watched his father die, he saw God give a subtle wink, which was apparently the really tricky sign this guy needed to carry on the family business.
So when this shit happens… generationally… it has to either be proof that Jesus isn’t a viable anti-venom or proof that these people don’t really love Jesus. I think it’s probably the latter so my suggestion is that all true Christians attempt rattlesnake cunnilingus so that we can weed out the imposters.
Why aren’t they focusing on the other suggestions?!? “Take up serpents” is obviously the worst one. It would be far less destructive if they fondled breast cancer patients, and didn’t heal them. Or if they just killed themselves by drinking poison.
West Virginia snake handling preacher dies from rattlesnake bite: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/05/30/11956841-snake-handling-preacher-dies-from-rattlesnake-bite-in-west-virginia
And in “I bet these idiots were wondering who Acklew was” news, the ACLU has filed suit against the Sabine Parish school district in Louisiana for a prodigious list of constitutional violations. The suit accuses the school of a (quote) “long history of proselytizing students and promoting religion” (end quote) including, but not limited to incorporation of Christian prayer into school events, religious iconography in the halls and classrooms, an electronic marquee with a constant scroll of bible verses, the inclusion of the words “god exists” on the statement of beliefs for the school district, faculty led bullying and ostracization of non-Christian students, religious questions on science exams, the explicit teaching of creationism, offering extra-credit for believing in the Christian god and holding mandatory prayer assemblies.
For the church to pay back all the tax money they’ve stolen, and then add all those 50-shekel payments to new dads on top of that … They’re financially and morally bankrupt 1000 times over, and therefore no longer allowed to exist!!!
Oh, believe it or not, this story gets worse. The ACLU is suing on behalf of a 6th grade Buddhist, whose science teacher allegedly included questions like (in all caps) “Isn’t it amazing what the (blank) has made” followed by, I shit you not, 32 exclamation points, and then called him stupid in front of the class when he refused to write “Lord” in the blank provided. When his mother complained to the Superintendent she was apparently told that this was the bible belt and if she didn’t like it her son should either change his faith or move to another district where there are (allegedly quote) “more Asians.”
Whoa!!! That’s Clossing the Rine!
ACLU sues LA school district for all kind of Christian bullshit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/this-district-just-got-sued-for-teaching-creationism-offering-extra-credit-for-writing-bible-verses-on-tests-more/
Moving on to “Not Quite Two Birds With One Drone” news, Pope Franti-matter helped two children almost publicly murder a pair of “peace doves”, by releasing them from his weird little speaking window above St. Peter’s Square, only to be immediately attacked by two of Obama’s atheist drones, disguised as a seagull and a large black crow. The President denies any involvement, but he did give me a fist bump as he made the denial . . . And then he did this thing where he blew it up. Like (blow up sound) … Black people are so cool.
Yeah. When white people try for cool handshakes it ends up looking like Michael J Fox playing roshambo with Stephen Hawking. Black people got the style and the big dicks so I don’t know why they’re still so pissed that we got all the impartial justice and living wage jobs.
Catholics are traumatized, and suspect this is the work of Satan, Star Scream, or the Jews. Strangely enough, nobody suspects the godless, Kenyan, Muslim, homosexual in the White House, who was likely also behind the August 2013 sabotage of an Oral Roberts jingoism rally, in which they hired a bald eagle to fly on stage, and instead it crashed to the floor in epic failure as an auditorium full of idiots chanted “USA!!!”
And I’m surprised nobody’s put it together. Don’t they know that Kenyans can communicate with animals?
I saw his birth video when he talked to Mufasa … And what’s with white people and our endangered species fetish?!? We’re always doing ridiculous shit, like renting bald eagles, shooting pterodactyls with assault rifles, eating panda steaks, bow-hunting black people. Somebody needs to stop us, or we will continue ruining the world.
Pope releases peace-doves, which get attacked by atheist birds: http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/pope-francis-s-peace-doves-attacked-by-birds-at-vatican-1.2511761?cmp=fbtl
And on that somber admission we’ll close out the headlines, Heath, thanks as always.
Happy to be here.
And when we return Eli Bosnick will join us to remind everybody that he’s funny as fuck.
Pitch:
On January 18th of 2013, at 7:17am Malaysian Standard Time, a new podcast was born, released into a cruel and unforgiving world with only it’s wits to guide it.
That podcast, was this podcast.
And since that day we’ve consistently brought you a new show every Thursday without exception.
Except for the first five episodes when it was biweekly.
We’ve consistently provided 30 minutes of high quality dick jokes…
Except episodes 10 and 25, which were an hour..
And we’ve had them to you at precisely 8am Eastern Time, every week.
Except episodes 43 and 48, which you fucked up and dropped early.
Heath and I work tirelessly every week,
(ahem)
Heath, Lucinda and I work tirelessly every week to bring you the best half hour of blasphemy we can muster, often working upwards of 200 hours a week to make it happen.
There are only 168 hours in a week.
I meant between the 3 of us.
That’s still way high.
More like 100.
That’s still probably high.
But it’s a lot. And if you don’t believe me, just ask my wife.
And if you don’t believe me, just ask my vagina.
Wait, your vagina talks?
No, that was a joke.
But the point is that we work really hard.
We do.
Yeah.
And to continue to provide you with the highest quality fart jokes in the other religion podcast subcategory on iTunes, we need your help.
Specifically, your money.
Because, holy shit, this thing has turned into a full time job.
And a part time job.
And another part time job.
And just as you count on a new episode each week to get you through your Friday commute, we count on your donations to make it possible.
You stole that line from Brian Dunning.
Pretty much, yeah.
So if you’d like to help us keep the Scathing Atheist ad free, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Wait, we weren’t gonna put ads in it…
Yeah, but they don’t know that.
And remember, if every listener donated just a dollar a week, we’d be fucking loaded. But they won’t, so you’ll probably have to give more than that.
Panel Notes:
Award season is in full swing. You’ve already skipped the Golden Globes, avoided the Grammys, forgotten all about the People’s Choice Awards and you’re actively not giving a shit about the Oscars so we figured; why not squeeze one more meaningless ceremony into the season.
And in accordance with the fact that religious idiots think atheists believe in Satan, he we are hosting the “Penta-Grammys”.
That’s right. And in addition to a ready made pun, this also provides us a great opportunity to bring back friend of the show and audience favorite Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back. It’s been too long.
(screaming in terror)
Alright, so here’s how the Penta-Grammys work. We’ve randomly chosen a few categories for this inaugural ceremony and each of us will offer our nominee. And since winning awards was rendered meaningless in 2010 when they gave Sandra Bullock an Oscar, we’ll just leave it at the nomination phase.
Our first category is an obvious one and Heath, you’ll start us off; Best Religious News Item of 2013
The Scathing Atheist headline read something like: “Imaginary Jesus voices tell area man to exorcise Satan by blowing up the family puppy with an IED.”
Or, as friend of the show Tom from Cognitive Dissonance put it, “Worst shock collar ever.”
These were apparently the same voices that told him to prepare for a rapture, that kept not happening despite the Mayan Calendar not being infinite, and despite a now-dead Harold Camping having calculated the first derivative of the Bible to solve for Apocalypse. So the December 2012 rapture didn’t happen, the year 2013 did happen, Jesus helped murder a labrador retriever, and the End Times Calculus asshole died. Lots of good atheist lessons here, but the puppy murder takes it for me. We all know religion can trick people into torturing, raping, and killing other people, but that doesn’t seem to be a deal-breaker. Maybe the puppy thing will do it.
Satanist Memorial thing let this begin a movement all over.
Strangely, we actually haven’t had occasion to talk about the Satanic Monument on the show since they unveiled the design, so if you were pressed to describe the proposed monument to the audience, what would you say?
(description)
Okay, so this isn’t a particular headline or anything, but I’m nominating the rise of the atheist church, or the godless congregation or whatever I have to call it to not piss off the people who don’t like them. I know a lot of people are stand-offish on the whole idea, but I look at it as a necessary step toward national secularism. So that’s my nominee for News Item of the Year.
Yeah stuff like Sunday Assembly is getting some steam in the States now too. Nice to see early evidence that people can hang out in groups on Sunday, without being self-righteous bigoted assholes about it.
Moving right along to our second category, this is a dubious distinction, I would think, but our second category is “Religious Figure Who Has Done the Most to Promote Atheism” and Eli, why don’t you start us out?
Pope Francis. Just changing his mind about everything. Next week he’s gonna be like “Eh…its a myth…who wants to get some PUSSY”
It really has been amazing. Just a quick list of some of the crazy shit he’s said in his first year of papacy:
-
“Who am I to judge gay people?”
-
“Atheists can get into heaven”
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“Bare tits in church? That’s cool”
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“I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power of the enemy, every spectre from hell and all your fell companions; in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ”
Didn’t he also mention something about “There is no Catholic god.”??? Maybe we can get him on the show to elaborate.
I’m going with Antonin Scalia. He’s not a religious figure per se, but he’s religious and he’s a figure. And he aptly demonstrated this year that no amount of education and academic achievement can make a Catholic not sound like a raging lunatic when he starts talking about religion.
For those who don’t recall, Scalia did an interview with New York Magazine where he admits to believing in an actual, physical, existent devil. And as if that wasn’t terrifying enough from a Supreme Court Justice, when he was pressed about why we never see any evidence of this magical embodiment of evil, he explained that (quote) “The devil’s getting wilier”
Despite the Pope’s skeptical stance on this guy, I’d like to nominate Catholic God. He’s clearly gone out of his way to be more than fair with us logical people recently. He’s literally bending kids over backwards to make atheism look good. And forwards. More bending over forwards, really. Depends if they’re blowing a second priest.
And when Pope Frandle in the Wind tries to get too hippie about shit, god kills his birds, so yeah, good nominee.
Of course, If this was the Oscars there would be a poorly cobbled together musical number here, but luckily, it’s not, so we’ll just move directly to the next category; “Moment in 2013 That Most Conflicted With the Concept of a Loving God.”
And at first I was gonna go with those big ass typhoons, but they mostly only killed brown people so I went with a story we covered on episode 26 of this program; and it was a story about a congregation in Fresno, California that was convinced that a tree outside their church was weeping holy tears. And even after it was painstakingly explained to them that the “tears” were actually aphid shit, they continued to not only worship them, but DRINK them.
And if there was a god there’s no way he would make it that easy on us.
I’m with Noah on this one, but I’d like to expand the nomination to any of several times that God made people literally eat shit and drink piss. This all happened in 2013 … We’ve got the aphid shit mistaken for magical Jesus sap, we’ve got God letting churches set up shit-water basins to use as “holy water”, we’ve got a guy being prosecuted for telling a bunch of shit-sippers that the crying Jesus statue is just a leak from a nearby public restroom sewage pipe, and we’ve got a Hindu cult drinking virgin cow urine … and still having cancer afterward. And also, I’d like to nominate cancer in general.
The death of paul Walker. The 2nd hour of the wolf of wall street…or all those starving kids…I dont know…
Awesome. Okay, so this next category is a tricky one. I originally wrote it down as “Biggest Asshole”, but despite Heath’s first choice for nominee, we’re not actually basing this on anal circumference.
So “African Altar Boys” doesn’t work.
Right. What we’re looking for here is the person the world could most have done without in 2013. Eli, who would you most like to scrub from the population statistics?
Jenny Mcarthy
So for this one my nominee was obvious; Pat Robertson, but the tricky part was deciding which egregious lapse of humanity to nominate him for. Should it be for the AIDs decoder ring quote? For asking how he can respond to gay people’s posts on Facebook if there’s no “vomit button”? For comparing transgendered people to his castrated horse? For diverting charitable funds to his secret blood diamond mining operation, which I’m not just making up to make him sound more like a GI Joe villain?
And after a long night wrestling with that question, I decided to opt for “none of the above” and just nominate him for not having the decency to go ahead and fucking die.
I’m going with Muslim God on this one. Next to asshole in the dictionary, I think there’s actually a picture of a generic deity lashing a female rape victim with a bull whip. This is the same imaginary guy that told several countries to install Gaydar and prostate exams at airports. The same non-existent asshole that insists women dress like lepers … and sponsors death bounty fatwas on people that don’t like all the stuff I just mentioned. I’d also like to mention all the faithfully rapey Muslim men that make it all possible. And the fundamentalist clerics. And the whole crew over at Hezbollah. And those crazy niggas over at Al Queda. And of course Mr. and Mrs. Kazaam – Allah’s magical mom and dad.
Alright, and our final category is a little bit more on the serious side. It’s also the only one I can imagine anybody being happy about winning and it’s the only one that I’m absolutely certain will appear again in next year’s Penta-Grammys; gentlemen, who would you like to nominate for 2013’s Atheist of the Year.
I’d like to nominate our very own, Noah Lugeons. Not only for his tireless work on what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time. And not only for marrying the talented Lucinda Lugeons, the woman many are calling “The Anti-Coulter”. And not only for his many great appearances on other atheist and skeptical broadcasts. But most importantly, for pointing out the following when I suggested a Mormon necrophilia joke in honor of Paul Walker …
“Well, they do practice posthumous baptism, so they do have experience moistening dead people.”
Well now just to be fair I think I should toss out one of your best quotes on the show. How about that time when you were talking about how awesome I was and you said (quote) “what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time”? That one was probably my favorite.
Okay, so for my nominee here, I was damn tempted to go with Valerie Dodds, the Nebraska porn star that got in trouble for breaking into her old Catholic school and publishing video of her using a crucifix as a dildo, but I don’t know for sure she’s an atheist and this one was supposed to be at least kind of serious, so I’m going with friend of the show and inaugural Farnsworth quoter Hemant Mehta.
Amen!!! Among many other things, nobody aggregates daily religious jack-assery in perfect format for scathing atheist headline researchers like the Friendly Atheist He-Man.
His indefatigable work has not only made atheism more visible, but his charity work has done a lot to give atheism a more friendly face, a more relatable face. And even though it seems like we’re actively working to undermine that every week, I think we can all agree that atheism can’t succeed as a movement if it’s just made up of assholes like me.
And bigger assholes like me … at least in circumference.
Sam Harris.
Alright, so that’s gonna do it for the First Annual Pentagrammy awards, Eli, thanks for dropping by.
And Heath, thanks for fifty great episodes man. Here’s to fifty more. And then a few crappy ones because this shit is getting exhausting.
The 40, the 45, the 50 – Jew-Manji!!!
And with one more quick thanks to everybody who wrote in with their favorite moments from our first forty-nine shows, we’re gonna leave you with a few of the Scathing Atheist’s greatest hits.
Outro:
Before we flip the breakers tonight, I wanted to offer an apology and a quick correction; on the calendar segment in episode 48 I gave dates for a few of the major conferences coming up this year, including the dates for TAM 2014, which actually haven’t been announced yet. Fucked up on the research and accidentally listed the dates for last year’s TAM so sorry for any inconvenience that caused. We’ll get the correct dates to you as soon as they’re announced.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but if twice as much us just isn’t enough, be sure to check out my guest appearance on The Imaginary Friends Show with Jake Farr-Wharton; you’ll find me along with the incomparable Martin S. Pribble and the only slightly comparable Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and the brand spanking new “Atheistically Speaking” podcast. You’ll find all of that on episode 166 of Jake’s show, which will, of course, be linked on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/01/27/ifs-166-youre-absolutely-right/
Of course we can’t close this thing out without thanking Heath for all that he’s done and all he continues to do to make this show what it is. I need to thank Lucinda for adding her unique brand of vulgarity and wit to the show. I really need to thank Eli for making time for us this week. And I also want to thank everybody who ever sent in a Farnsworth quote for the show. To those people that didn’t make it into the montage at the beginning of this episode I apologize; the damn thing just got too long when I included everyone.
I also need to offer a true and sincere thanks to everyone listening for making this whole project fun enough to do fifty times in a row. We really appreciate you giving us a half hour of your life every week, and occasionally an hour; and we’re already hard at work trying to earn another half hour next week. Thanks for making the show possible.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most notable humans; William, Evan, Alan, Cherie, Chris, Christine, Jeffrey, Tony, Joseph, Justin, Jerry and April. William and Evan, whose mighty fists act as emergency backups for the Large Hadron Collider; Alan and Cherie, who are faster than a speeding Kryptonian; Chris and Christine, whose intellects are so legendary their iPhones ask them questions; Jeffrey and Tony, whose erections have been declared Tsunami safe-zones; Joseph and Justin, who are so attractive they each have an event horizon; and Jerry and April, whose very names probably inspired spontaneous orgasms in at least 10 percent of our listeners just now.
These twelve valorous and unblenching heroes earned eternal praise, unwavering appreciation and over-the-top compliments this week be giving us money. Giving us money is a noble, selfless, laudable act; so if you’d like to test your nobility, selflessness and lauditute, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the home page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d love to help but you spent the family fortune pursuing the perfect robotic delouser, you can also help us with nothing but an internet connection. It only takes a few minutes to leave us a glowing review on iTunes and the reward lasts a lifetime. Also, don’t forget to follow us next time you’re on Twitter, subscribe to us next time you’re on YouTube, like us next time you’re on Facebook and call out our names next time you masturbate.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 49 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language in three… two… fuck.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Pro-Scripture Strength Biblenol. Perfect for those biblically inspired headaches. It’s stronger than Prayer-Bayer and longer lasting than Bibliuprofen.
Biblenol; because somehow the Historical Books are even worse than the Pentateuch.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s January 23rd,
And the extra week before the Superbowl is worse for the NFL than Junior Seau.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from pro-federate enclave New York, New York,
And forcibly de-federate, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
On this week’s episode,
-
We revel in the joy of getting piss drinking and nun fucking in the same news cycle.
-
We’ll learn how to rape like a Muslim,
-
And Lucinda will join us to put on our Monocles to read One Chronicles
Beating me to the poem, I see. But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
My inbox is full of idiots.
As you may know, the other day I went on the most excellent Cognitive Dissonance podcast and gave Tom and Cecil a Tarot card reading. And since then I’m getting a vodka-piss stream of woo-merchants and dipshits emailing me to tell me just how wrong I’ve got it.
To their credit, these aren’t people who are actively out there scamming people and telling them “you’re grandma is gonna get cancer if you don’t donate a hot tub to the next person they lay eyes on… hey, hey, I’m over here” or anything. They almost certainly aren’t charging for their services, and they’re not consciously deceiving anyone. These are just people who have gotten really good at deceiving themselves.
The way they justify their pseudo-scientific hobby is by pointing out that Tarot isn’t about fortune-telling, it’s about divination; it’s about helping people through their problems with universal symbolism. It’s a way to reinforce positive messages and give people hope. It’s just a structured way for someone to try to see their problems from a new angle. What’s the harm in that?
Well, as I pointed out last Monday when I did the reading for Tom and Cecil which you can hear on episode number one hundred and thirty-four of their fine program, there’s plenty of harm. If your goal is to help people through their problems and aid them in seeing things from a new angle, don’t you think you should have some kind of qualification to do that beyond a spare fourteen bucks when you were at Spencer’s Gifts?
It’s belittling to psychologists and psychiatrists to think that any jackass who memorized the Zodiacal influences of some pretty pictures can step in and do their job with no chance of fucking it up. It’s the human psyche, for fuck’s sake; the most complicated thing that we know about. And you’re just gonna dive in there with nothing but the Idiot’s Guide to Vague Verbosity and ask me what’s the harm?
Now that should be all the answer I have to give, but it isn’t all the answer that I can give. Whatever spiritual caveats you might offer, as soon as you start shuffling your deck, you’re putting yourself in a position of authority that you didn’t have to do anything to earn. And it’s gonna be damned easy to take advantage of the person across the table. Even if you don’t succumb to that temptation, you’re just priming the pump for the less principled person that comes after you. And for what? So that you can spend half an hour giving them what DJ Groethe calls your “Aw shucks advice”?
You may think you’re giving them a positive message, but how the fuck do you know? You tell somebody to focus on what makes them happy, but you don’t know how much they love torturing rats with hacksaws. You tell them to never give up on love but you don’t know about the restraining order. You tell them to follow their dream but you don’t know if they dream about disemboweling postal workers.
People who are looking for help shouldn’t be pissing away time checking with sorcerers first. That goes for Tarot card readers, psychics, necromancers, astrologers, palm readers and crystal gazers and pastors, priests, bishops, reverends, rabbis, mullahs and monks. They should instead go to somebody who is qualified to help them through science-based means and they shouldn’t have to navigate a complicated menu to find them.
And yes, I group all of the above in the same category. I’ll freely admit that religious leaders are almost universally better trained to help people with personal crises, but at the same time they’re deferred a lot more authority because of it. For every person who would discount their doctor’s advice on the word of their cartomancer, there are a million who would do so on the advice of their priest. They’re given even more authority and even more opportunity to abuse it. And just like I’d say of the Tarot reader, the honest ones are just priming the adolescent buttocks for the dishonest ones.
Consider the strict licensing and regulation on psychiatrists and psychologists. If it came to light that a psychologist was sleeping with one of their patients, it would probably be a career ending scandal. But as Dr. Darrel Ray points out in both The God Virus and Sex and God, anybody who stays in a church long enough will hear about some pastor sleeping with some congregant. Sometimes the pastor is quietly moved to another church. Sometimes they’re not. But no horny pastor has ever lost his license to past over it.
And I don’t think I need to tell you that nobody ever lost their license to read tarot cards over any abuse of any kind ever.
There is no “harmless bullshit”. And I don’t really care how many paragraphs you can cram into an email, you’re never going to convince me that your faith is quantitatively better that the other faiths just because yours has playing cards.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is hyperborean Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to migrate?
It is fucking freezing here. But I’m like an African swallow. The bird, not the ebony porn title. Non-migratory.
Don’t worry, I’m sure if the Weather Channel had an eleven day forecast there would be a high above freezing on it.
In our lead story tonight, from the “Sister Cum Mother” file, a nun working in Italy failed to plan her parenthood very well and recently gave birth, opting instead for termination of her job, for breaking the vow of chastity. According to her account, God secretly fucked her while she was masturbating on an airplane, but despite the well-known Joseph v. Mary precedent, her immaculate conception alibi was ignored.
Because it couldn’t just be that some nun fucked a dude multiple times. Because how the hell could that be international news, right? Nun fucks wouldn’t make ink on four continents, would it? So clearly there was some divine vine involved.
The ‘Last Scion’ released the following statement: (quote) “It was God’s dick … and I was married to God at the time. Just wait … My half-brother Jesus is gonna be right back, and he’ll tell you.” (end quote)
And apparently putting her money where her mouth is on the issues of contraception and abortion didn’t earn her any favor in the eyes of the Holy See.
As a tribute to the Scathing Atheist, and our mocking nicknames for Pope Francesco Rinaldi, the new mom named her son Francesco. Despite this revelation bringing down the average severity of their scandals considerably, the church feels like this has been a public embarrassment. And once again, Catholic leaders have a tail between their legs because of a child.
Well, I’m not just gonna come out and say that the Pope’s her baby-daddy, but he has shown a recent interest in tits.
Nun gives birth after seemingly immaculate conception: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/10581481/Nun-gives-birth-to-baby-named-after-Pope.html
And moving on to the “Ringing Endorsement From the Voices in my Head” file we bring you an update to a story we covered back in episode 38. You’ll recall Pennsylvania State Representative Rick Saccone from Heath making jokes about how his last name kind of sounds like a reference to testicular amputation.
And we all learned a valuable lesson: Buy your anal beads from the store.
And remember he said buy… not rent. In addition to Saccone’s lopsided nuts, we also discussed his braindead brainchild HB 1728, a proposal that calls for the words “In God we Trust” to be prominently displayed in every Pennsylvania classroom. While trying to justify this crevasse-wiping use of the constitution on a local television show last Sunday, Saccone claimed that the bill had the backing of the atheist community. He cited the off-the-record support of the unnamed head of “Pennsylvania Atheists”, a group that neither speaks for all atheists, nor exists.
Saccone’s running a board meeting: “We’re losing numbers. Gotta do something. Now keeping in mind I already printed a bunch of these … You guys think it’s all the hating women and fags, or you think it’s not enough propaganda posters?”
Of course, we’re all used to religious people taking advice from people who don’t exist so that came as no surprise. What really caught my eye on this story was his claim that “god” isn’t a divisive term since atheists can make it (quote) “whatever god they worship in the form of maybe […] materialism”. So yeah, we atheists can just pray to materialism so what are we so pissed about?
PA state rep makes up some atheists, pretends they support his proposal: http://www.examiner.com/article/atheists-demand-state-representative-apologize
And in “The Other Santorum” news, the Maldives has added ‘tape’ to the list of sticky red stuff that goes with rape. Abdulla Yameen, president of the Islamic theocracy, has vetoed a proposed law that would make it illegal to rape your wife while she fills out divorce paperwork. He called the rape ban (quote) “un-Islamic”.
Well good for it. What higher ethical standard can a law aspire to than “un-Islamic”?
This means two things … 1: Islam has justified rape! … and 2: The Islamic idea of justified rape specifically includes those awkward months before the woman gets tried for divorce. So just to be clear … You’re a woman, and you find out the hard way that you married a righteous rapist, and now you want a divorce. Getting your consent back, is harder than getting a gun. There’s a trial and a lengthy waiting period. Fortunately for women, the divorce settlement process itself, does not take very long, because women don’t own property.
In some cases, though, I think the husband can get visitation rights to the vagina on weekends.
According to the Religion News Service: (quote) “The bill says a husband cannot force his wife to have sex if the couple have filed for divorce, dissolution or mutual separation, and if the intent is to transmit a sexual disease.” (end quote) … So the bill didn’t even target rapists with AIDS, unless they were actively intending to infect their victim. Am I crazy, or did someone just use religion to defend the rights of AIDS-spreading rapists?!? Do we really need to keep making this podcast?!?
Maldivian President declared law against marital rape “un-islamic” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/17/marital-rape-bill-maldives_n_4611006.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And from the “Golden Calf Showers” file, a Hindu cult in northern India is touting the medicinal benefits of drinking pre-dawn virgin cow urine. So they’re not complete idiots … At least they don’t go out there in the middle of the fucking day, and drink piss from slutty octo-mom cows, like a crazy person. Slutty cow piss burns when you drink it from the herpes. Either way, they’re giving a new meaning to the term India Pale Ale (or IPA).
Of course, it’s worth noting that this story comes to us from the paragon of journalistic integrity that is the Daily Mail, so we’ll take it with a grain of creatinine, but we’re reporting on it anyway because they had pictures. And honestly, if the real story here is “unscrupulous Daily Mail photographer coaxes Hindu man into catching cow urine with a drinking glass” it would still be newsworthy enough to make piss puns about.
According to the cult – and the studies they didn’t perform – the hot champagne helps fight cancer, diabetes, tuberculosis, stomach problems, and baldness. So even if drinking cow piss upsets your stomach, these guys have the cure for that … which is literally made up of the piss they made you drink.
See, that’s what I was wondering. Like, if you drink the cow piss and then drink your cow piss piss and then drink your cow piss piss piss, and so on, is that like Hindu homeopathy?
Jairam Singhal, a decade-long urinalcoholic, said the following about the undeniable success of the placebovine excrement remedy: (quote) “I had diabetes, but ever since I have started drinking cow urine, my diabetes levels have been under control” (end quote).
Basically: “I got a bunch of Diabetes about 10 years ago, and I immediately started drinking urine every morning. Thanks to the magic pee, I’ve completely avoided getting more Diabetes since. My levels haven’t gone up by a single Diabetus.”
I so want to see Wilfred Brimley doing a cow piss commercial now. And I’d point out that he is still alive to do it, but we record on Wednesday and release on Thursday so I don’t want to take any chances.
Large numbers of people dumb enough to buy urine, are lining up at local cow shelters. To keep up with surging demand, a successful “Milk, Milk, Lemonade Stand” has popped up in the city of Agra. Obviously, thanks to these honest-to-god piss-sippers, we’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … ‘Slogans for the Medicinal Urine Restaurant’ … GO!!!
“Not on the rug, man…”
“Eat shit and die. Drink piss and live.”
“Would you like to take a piss, or will that be for here?”
“The mens room and the dessert menu have Urinal Cakes!!!”
“Got cancer? Well urine luck!”
“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Number One in your mouth, Number One in your heart.”
“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Never avoid a void.”
“Home of Mixology’s first ever cure-all beverage: the Nitro-Gin and Tonic.”
“Why settle for McDonalds’ special sauce when you can have McTurated special sauce?”
“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Drinking straight from the Bed Panacea.”
“Urinary Tract Perfection”
“Our famous Urine Sampler combo appetizer features assorted cheese whiz, golden drench fries, and potato leak soup.”
“The best leak since Snowden”
“We cross streams like Peter Venkman.”
“Bladder ingredients; Bladder Pizza”
Mop a Johns … What about: “The New Drinkable Cure For Cancer: Pittle. Yellow. Different. Better.”
Hindu cult thinks drinking cow piss cures cancer: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2538520/Urine-drinking-Hindu-cult-believes-warm-cup-sunrise-straight-virgin-cow-heals-cancer-followers-queuing-try-it.html
And finally tonight, in “Stimulate your clit for Jesus” news; wayward youth, dildo dealer and c-list porn star Farrah Abraham has announced a forthcoming book on Christian parenting; set to publish after the completion of her trilogy of erotic fiction. Or, as she actually said, (quote) “My next trilogy – so three books – is an erotic sex novel.” (end quote) Because, you know, she’s, like… a wordsmith and stuff.
And based on my extensive C-List research, she’s one of those dealers who’s also a user. She must go through dildos like a wood chipper.
You might remember Farrah from the MTV exploitation of soul-crushing adolescent mistakes and tragedies, “Teen Mom” but I’m kind of hoping you don’t. If you remember her at all I’d hope it was from the sex tape that she accidentally sold to a porn distributor for over a million dollars. Or perhaps you remember her from that awkward toe in the trigger guard of the shotgun moment you had when you realized that a teen mother cum porn actress cum sex toy seller wrote a book and it was a fucking NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER.
They say write what you know. And she knows getting knocked up at 15, the father dies in a redneck accident, “Lord of the Cock Rings” Trilogy, and finally Christian parenting. That’s a story people can relate to. Lots of dudes are thinking: “You just described my wife.”
And as sad as this story is for every piece of literature ever penned, I should note that it is a powerful reminder that someone can rise up out of poverty, teen pregnancy and untimely widowhood as long as they’re white and have great tits.
Good to know I’ve got potential.
Teen mom and B-list porn star to author Christian parenting book: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/17/teen-mom-who-leaked-her-sex-tape-announces-shes-writing-a-christian-parenting-book/
And on that reference to Heath’s moobs, we’ll close out the headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
I’m holding a rocks glass of scotch in my cleavage.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to learn that books of the Bible apparently have reruns.
Poem:
1 Chronicles in Rhyme
Have I told you the story about the crappy king Saul?
The ass-hunting bastard who squandered it all?
The Philistine fighter who lost many men?
Oh, I have? Well fuck you, I’m gonna tell it again.
Have I told you the story about the other king David?
Who defeated the Moabites and left them enslaved?
Whom god loved in battle and whom won every war?
I have? Oh well, fuck you, I’m gonna tell it some more.
How about Solomon? Did I tell you his tale?
The palace he built at incredible scale?
Oh, I told you he’s wise, super-fertile and rich?
Well I’ll tell you again, cause I’m First Chronicles, bitch.
That’s right, I’ve got nothing unspoken to say;
God said “read this book” and you have to obey.
So consider the previous four books as primers,
And consider this one to be god with Alzheimers.
You don’t care who begat Hezron, or who Hezron begat?
Or maybe you do, but you’ve got it down pat.
After all, we’ve discussed it, and I’ll even admit
This isn’t even the first time we’ve repeated that shit.
We’re just assuming our readers have piss-poor retention,
And clearly the editors aren’t paying attention,
So we’ll just repeat repetition and duplicate verse,
We’ll restate and rehash and reprise and rehearse.
And rework, and remind and reform and redo,
And resay, and revert and recast and renew,
Reconstruct, recrudesce, reproduce and rewrite
Refashion, reiterate, relive and recite.
Cause fuck it, it’s biblical and that all that counts.
So here’s nine chapters of names that no one can pronounce.
And maybe a chapter with a god praising song;
That’s a rip-off of Psalms and is two pages long.
I find describing how dull this book is rather challenging,
But in hopes that I can, here’s my nearest analogy;
Your at grandma’s and there’s this adorable clip that she found,
On YouTube of dogs chasing lasers around.
It’s twelve minutes long and it sucks and what’s more,
She’s shown you this same fucking montage before.
So you sit through it all and she says “Here’s another thing!”
Well First Chronicles is like the parts where the next one is buffering.
So sure, this books useless, and just makes the thing thicker,
And inspires those reading it to put bleach in their liquor,
But they need to remind you that like it or not,
The bible suck’s monkey nuts, in case you forgot.
Babble:
If, like me, you make it through the first twelve books of the bible and say, “well that was crap”, don’t feel alone. It turns out the people writing this shit felt the same way, as One Chronicles is basically an alternate account that retells the entire fucking story to this point with a few minor tweaks and additions.
Yeah, apparently biblical reboots come faster than Spiderman reboots. Somebody read this thing and said, “It needs more exactly the same stuff again”.
So joining us to reiterate and rephrase is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, thanks for coming back for more.
Well, I tried the old “not tonight, honey, I have a headache” thing, but you weren’t having any of that shit so here I am with fucking bells on.
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Apparently the people charged with summing up the first dozen books read them and said to themselves, “You know what parts suck? The ones that aren’t soul-crushing genealogies,” because they elected to start the book out with nine straight chapters of begats. So not much to summarize there, basically Adam was born and everyone who existed from then to the postexilic period is named there somewhere. What’s say we start in chapter ten?
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Yeah, in case anybody forgot what a horrible fuck up Saul was, we rehash how the Israelites got their asses kicked under his command. Again.
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And with Saul’s last words, he asked his gay slave to kill him, (quote) “lest these uncircumcised come and abuse me.” So the gimp refuses, and Saul falls on his own sword, to avoid capture and the inevitable lifetime of … apparently some sort of legendary Phillistine foreskin slap torture.
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But then at the end it reminds you that it was because Saul consulted a medium instead of the Lord; so calling miss Cleo justifies the massacre and displacement of god’s chosen people. Got it.
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Chapter eleven is a brief list of ancient Jewish badasses, and a few vainglorious accounts of the ass they kicked.
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Yeah, at a certain point it just starts reading like a really long, rambling acceptance speech at the Oscars. You know, somebody who just won best costume design in a foreign language documentary is holding up the show thanking everyone they’ve ever met: “And I’d like to thank all the Benjamites and the Judahites that came to the stronghold of David; and I want to thank Ahiezer, Joash, Jeziel and Pelet for bringing David bread when he was unable to move about freely, and where all my Manassites at? Adnah, Jozabad, Jedial, Mikey, my main man Elihu…”
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Yeah, so to summarize what Noah just said there, this book is boring compared to the Oscars. That should tell you all you need to know.
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Then there’s the groovy remix of “Uzzah gets killed for touching the ark”
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It’s like the book itself is admitting that it’s too boring to read. It’s saying “Yeah, this dude Uzzah exploded when he touched the ark but we can’t imagine you weren’t skimming when we talked about it before”
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This book is sounding more and more like the Chris Farley show: Remember…Remember when “Seven And they carried the ark of God on a new cart, from the house of Abinadab, and Uzzah and Ahio were driving the cart. Eight And David and all Israel were celebrating before God with all their might, with song and lyres and harps and tambourines and cymbals and trumpets.” … That was awesome … Stupid- I’m such an idiot!!!
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And so that you know we’re not overstating the boring here, consider this; we’re not just reading unpronounceable lists of bronze age Jewish royalty; we’re re-reading unpronounceable lists of bronze age Jewish royalty.
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Well, re-skimming…
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And in case you somehow managed to miss the entire central theme of the last four books we just fucking read, One Chronicles reminds us that David is awesome and kicks much ass.
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I can’t help but think of the profound disappointment that people must have felt when Luther translated this thing. You know, it’s supposed to be this magical book of intrigue and answers that all the priests refer to, so you finally get a vulgar masses, Reader’s Digest translation, you leaf to a random page and land in One Chronicles. And it’s a list of the members of some ancient choir that sang at the “Ark Relocation” party.
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Chapter seventeen reminds us that god liked David the bestest of everybody. Ever.
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Yeah God is pleased with David for carrying his exploding death-box around, and also for fucking anything with three holes, so he gives him a really nice house for his harem of 3000 women and their shitty red-headed step-children. Bottom line: God’s happy and David’s getting more ass than Muhammad Ali aiming for pussy.
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I get the feeling like this whole book was inspired by somebody reading the last four books and saying, “I can’t imagine a more boring way to present the history of Israel” and another guy saying, “I can”
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It’s like listening to a kid tell a joke they don’t get over and over again.
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Yeah reading One Chronicles is like listening to your shitty five-year-old nephew tell a joke on the phone. First you get 30 seconds of what sounds like … a litter of puppies fighting to lick bacon grease off the receiver … while the stupid kid gets the phone in his hand. And then they put italics and question marks in there for no reason … “Yeah and then Abishai? the son of Zeruiah? Killed 18,000 Edomites in the (breathe) Valley of Salt-okay-bye.”
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In nineteen we revisit the whole Ammonite servant-shaving war… because… I don’t even know. Ancient Israel must have just been that boring.
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Right? A few emissaries get wedgied by Hanun and they’re gossiping about it for four god damn centuries? Seriously?
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Here’s a quote: “So Hanun took David’s servants and shaved them and cut off their garments in the middle, at their hips, and sent them away.” I think we made an ass-less chaps joke when they told this exact same story the first time. Which was hilarious … Ass-less chaps on dessert-dwelling Jewish midgets is just about 24-carat comic gold … But we didn’t mention the genius wardrobe suggestion for a Koran-friendly compromise on Muslim porn. The women can trade in their eye slit, for a tit slit, or a slit slot.
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And you can tell there’s an inferiority complex driving this whole thing. It all reads like some subjugated motherfuckers sitting around going, “remember when Jews kicked ass?”
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There’s a reason “Knocked Up” wasn’t two hours of Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen getting drunk and talking about the movie “Munich”.
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And then we’re reminded of the evils of census taking. Which is weird, because Moses did it twice in Numbers and nobody had to be plagued to death over it. But yeah, the trip down memory cul-de-sac continues.
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Yep. We relive all the excitement of counting the cedar trees used to build the temple as we transition from David to Solomon in chapter twenty-two.
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Yes, and lest we forget, Levites don’t have to do work.
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Probably the single most oft repeated edict in this book so far; Levites are special and don’t have to do shit that’s sweaty.
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And chapter twenty-four is probably the current leader for the most boring individual chapter in the bible. It’s a detailed genealogy of Moses and Aaron, which we already read once in the Pentateuch, once at the beginning of this same book and again in the directly antecedent chapter!
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And it holds that title until chapter twenty five, where we get a detailed twenty-four part genealogy of the lyre, harp and cymbal players. Fuckeringfuckatash.
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I don’t get it. Jews are a musical people. But a possessed frontman having spasms and speaking in tongues … accompanied by lyre, harp, and cymbals … would be the worst band ever!!! First of all, lyre and harp are almost the same thing, so how is that two thirds of the instrumentation?!? And then add people smashing metal discs together. That’s not a reasonable composition.
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And then they follow up the biblical “This one time at band camp” story with an even more detailed genealogy of all the bouncers that worked the temple door.
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…And then one for all the civil servants.
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I feel like an ass even covering this book. It’s just Samuel again. It’s the whole two fucking books retold. We honestly could have done this book as a “greatest hits” mash up of our last four Babble segments. In twenty eight we’re reminded of just how fucking gilded this temple Solomon was building was.
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The temple of our housewife of Beverly Hills
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And then David dies again, Solomon is anointed again, they kill a bunch of bulls again and holy shit this reading the bible shit was a horrible idea.
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I’m so excited there’s another Chronicles coming up after this one … Like Hayden Christensen excited. Annakin was the bomb in Phantom Menace, so…
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Word, bitch, Phantom Menace like a motherfucker!!!
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I feel like a rape victim at half-time. It’s confusing … poignant moment.
I don’t know, I feel like we should apologize to our listeners for how boring the Bible is. An encyclopedia would be more fucking entertaining. I can’t imagine how we’re gonna keep from putting them to sleep when we do Second Chronicles.
Well, look on the bright side; at least you don’t have to write a fucking poem about it.
Alright, so after all that this is hard for me to say, but the Holy Babble will be back in episode 52 with Second Chronicles, but don’t worry, I’m sure that one will be awesome.
Outro:
Before we close the hood tonight I wanted to thank everyone for their ideas for mash-ups and flashbacks for our fiftieth episode next week. We’re still taking suggestions so if you have a favorite skit, moment, interview or vulgarity from our first forty-nine shows, let us know. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page of our website.
And if you just can’t get enough me, you can find me all over the podcasting world this week. Tom and Cecil were kind enough to invite me back on Cognitive Dissonance to give them a Tarot reading; Cash and Love from Atheists on Air invited me on their show last Monday to talk about sex and circumcision and John and JD at Rational Talk invited me on to chat about this program and all the behind-the-scenes stuff it takes to pull it off every week. You’ll find links to all these shows on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Cognitive Dissonance; Episode 134: http://dissonancepod.com/?p=702
Rational Talk; Homepage: http://www.therationaltalk.com/
Atheists On Air; Episode 29: http://mythunderstoodalliance.com/029-sexpisode-iv-scathing-atheist-steve-wells-sab/
Of course I need to thank Heath for all his wit and wisdom. I need to thank Lucinda for suffering through probably the most boring book of the bible so far with us. I also really, really need to thank McKenzie and McKenzie’s mom for providing the hand’s-down cutest Farnsworth Quote to date. Lucinda and I listened to it four times in a row when we got it. Thanks, it was awesome.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most stellar exemplifications of sentient stardust, Shelby, Vinnie, John, Geoff (Jeff), Magnus, Thomas, Ramesh and Ben. Shelby, who’s so kick ass they named a Mustang after her back when Mustangs looked cool; Vinnie, whose mighty member is worshipped by island peoples throughout the Pacific; John, whose legendary sexual prowess echoes on the lips of carnal professionals the world over; Geoff (Jeff), whose IQ has exponents; Magnus, the supreme chancellor of the intergalactic defense federation; Thomas, whose humility forced Time Magazine to settle for the Pope last year; Ramesh, whose so classy he gets his whoop-ass from a bottle; and Ben, whose ejaculations are measured on the enhanced Fujita scale.
This octuple of brave, soulless individuals have tested their mettle against the unforgiving crucible that is our donation page and returned stronger, smarter and more appealing to members of the opposite sex. If you think that you, too, have the psychological acuity required to become a sponsor of our show, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And remember, Lucinda and I need to buy a new timing belt and all the other requisite auto-parts that constitute a full vehicle, preferably all pre-assembled and fully functional, so every dollar helps.
And of course, if you want to help but you’re afraid we’ll just use the money to buy booze, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes and telling your friends about the show, especially the ones who might listen to it. You can also find us on all the finest social media sites and Facebook and don’t forget to listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 46 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by… Catholi-Size Matters: Jesus-themed porn production company. We’re the guys that brought you: Glory Holy Bible Camp, The Hi-Res Erection, Keaster Sunday, and of course Keaster Sunday Deuce: The Second Coming Via Prostate . . .
Catholi-Size Matters: We put a (painful) new twist on “Veggie Tails”
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s 2014 of all things
And now I’m hung over from the drugs I took for my hangover.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from deep in the bowels of New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
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Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin die in a tragic running with scissors accident,
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We’ll make shit up,
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And Noah’s wife will join us two take Two Kings at the same time.
But first, the diatribe…
Headlines
Joining me for headlines last week is temporally vexing Heath Enwright. Heath, were you ready to toss off your chronological yoke?
No, but I will be by the time we recorded this.
Alright, and of course, as this episode is prerecorded, we don’t actually know now what happened in headlines this week, but in the almost full year we’ve been doing this, I think it’s safe to say we can accurately predict what will have happened by the time this episode airs.
So what follows are the stories that we’re pretty sure will happen between now and then.
So with that in mind, in our lead story tonight, the Pope made worldwide headlines this week when he found a baby bird that had fallen out of its mother’s nest and attempted to nurse it back to health. Dozens of major media outlets obligingly ignored the fact that he runs a worldwide institution that has actively obstructed international legal attempts to investigate their role in systematic child torture as recently as this month and reported on the baby bird story instead.
Yeah he was in Africa right? Helping glue live flies and fake cleft-palettes on the faces of starving children for the UNICEF commercial?
You’re partially right. He was in Africa. But Pope Framnesia actually found the bird while jerking off homeless amputees in the slums of Nigeria and despite the warm bed of cotton and the painstakingly julienned worms he provided, the bird died the following morning. The pope blessed it and they had a little funeral in the Vatican’s backyard.
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And in “Archaeology of Covenant” news, diggers unearthed the real god box, and found a previously unpublished prologue to the Bible. The 1-page introduction simply read: (quote) “This whole book in an allegory, so don’t take anything literally, and don’t get carried away. I’m just a dude writing a book.” (end quote)
Yeah it also had the controversial dedication page “To my bitches” along with a long list of acknowledgments to Egyptian mythology and the dude who wrote the Epic of Gilgamesh.
While this marks the end of Judaism, Christians and Muslims are insisting the prologue was written before their God existed, and therefore doesn’t apply to them. Strangely enough, despite this revelation, Satan hasn’t taken over, and people seem to be raping and pillaging at the normal Old Testament clip.
To be fair, we’re way more certain about the Ark being found than the Satan not taking over part of this hypothetical news item.
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And in “Check chapter one of his dental record” news tonight, popular American mega-pastor Joel O’Steen was found dead in Florida last week in what authorities are calling “anal auto-erotic stimulation gone tragically wrong”.
I heard he got one of his humongous incisors lodged in his colon, and died of internal bleeding. That’s why you never go ass to mouth solo. I vote that if O’Steen actually dies between now and then, we still run this skit. Even if “anal auto-erotic tragedy” somehow isn’t the cause of death.
According to an article that we expect will by now be on the Huffington Post, off-the-record sources report that a gold or brass plated automated butt-plug might have been involved in the accident, though nobody yet knows how many horsepower it had or who has the butt plug now.
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And in PERFECT news, over the course of 48 hours, a half Christian, half Muslim, chiropractor, exorcist, pedophile, mohel with AIDS, gave a shitty massage, virus-raped several babies, drowned a puppy in a cauldron, and accidentally killed himself with an explosive anvil that he got from the Acme store.
And you can tell he was all the way in it, because it would have been a hell of a lot easier to use a tub or something, but that motherfucker found a cauldron in which to drown his puppy. See, that’s the problem with religion. It forces you to drown your puppies in archaic receptacles.
Not only was this the greatest Darwin Award string of events that ever occurred, but before this guy spent two days in a fucked-up Ed Norton commercial, he was a porn star in gay parodies of 90’s comedy movies. And, his last words before he died were: “Put 30 seconds on the clock.” … Love this guy!!! Team player . . .
I’ll start it off with “Dropping the Soapdish”
Shitty Slickers?
Glazed and Confused
Forrest’s Rump
“The Pud Sucker Proxy” … Which is the worst job on a gay porn set. You’re basically the stunt fluffer. If you do well, you could be promoted to fluffer.
I’m torn between Plop Fiction and Pulp Friction…
———–
And in the “There’s actually a Senator named Crapo” file tonight, Idaho Senator Mike Crapo proposed a piece of sweeping legislation officially titled the “Muslims and Butt Sex Scare Me Act of 2013”.
Critics are claiming the legislation is full of pork, but it’s not clear whether they’re making a pun about Muslims fearing swine, or making the more obvious reference to the butt sex.
The law would allow Christian employers to force secular employees to pray, accept Jesus as their lord and savior and remain celibate until marriage; it would make it illegal to own property that didn’t have a baby Jesus on it during Christmas; and it calls for the deportation of Muslims and gays.
So we’re gonna set up a new nation for deported gay Muslims? Call it Guy-beria? MenPal-estine? Bowel-estine? Maybe Israel has some disputed territories we could annex back.
Not exactly. They’ll be deported to San Francisco. Conservative commentator and heart attack being staved off with liberally MacGyvered wiring Rush Limbaugh praised Crapo’s proposal until he realized that Crapo intended to use the parts of the bay area that are above sea level.
What does current sea level matter to Limbaugh, when there’s about to be a giant flood due to all the gays and public dancing?!?
The “Muslims and Butt Sex Scare Me Act of 2013” or, as is referred to in the mainstream media, the “Towels and Bowels Act” has been attacked from both sides of the political aisle.
The alternative media is calling it the “Rags and Fags Act”.
Liberals call the law gratuitous, draconian and theocratic, while conservatives denounced the law for in no way interfering with women’s reproductive autonomy.
Anyway, that’s gonna do it for pre-headlines tonight, Heath, thanks for having joined me.
Glad to be here.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to polish off Kings.
Babble (Two Kings)
Two Kings is the final in what was originally a four part history of Israel spanning the period from the first kings to the Babylonian exile under Nebuchadnezzar. The divisions aren’t arbitrary; when the book was first penned it was written in scrolls and there was a limit to how long a scroll could be before it became too cumbersome to transport.
And this is worth noting because as you read it, it seems like even an incompetent editor could have knocked this down to one scroll without losing anything that wasn’t begging to be lost.
No kidding. So joining us to delve ever deeper into the rectum of scripture is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Glad to be hear. And gross.
Alright, so we’ve kept everyone in suspense for three weeks, so let’s not make them wait any longer.
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Yeah, Two Kings gets right to the action. King Ahazia got hurt so he sends his men to go ask some foreign god to help out. Real god gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell the king’s messengers that for asking the wrong god, real god is gonna kill him out of spite.
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So the king says: “What kind of dude was this alleged prophet from real god?”
And his messengers say: “Well he looked pretty authentic. He had the hair shirt … and the leather belt … and completely nude, otherwise. Seemed credible.”
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The kings pissed so he sends for Elijah, but every time they send fifty men to bring him down from his mountain he goes all “Tim the Enchanter” on them and calls down fire from heaven to incinerate them.
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Until the third captain and his fifty men come up and remember to say please.
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Then Elijah dies, becoming yet another flaming chariot statistic, but he passes along his super god-powers to Elisha before he does.
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Yeah Elisha says to Elijah: (quote) “Please let there be a double portion of your spirit on me.” . . . I’ll just balance that “cum joke” on this golf tee, and y’all can-
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A double portion of spirit on him? That’s either body shots, or money shots. A little weird either way.
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I know Elijah’s a man of god and all, but it seems like even he would need a few minutes between portions.
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I figured the spirit would come inside him, not on him. That’s right, we do our “cum jokes” in proper threes like gentlemen.
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Filthy monkey gentlemen.
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And filthy monkey gentlewomen.
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And then we get his Bruce Almighty moment where he has to try out all the new shit. He parts a river, blesses a well …
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Right, he put salt in the well to prevent dead babies. Elisha’s Famous Saline Miscarriage Solution.
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Then he summons divine she-bears to maul the kids that made fun of him for being bald… Honestly, I’ve been looking forward to that moment since we started reading this fucking thing. And sure enough, there it is. Two Kings 2:23-25. Some kids call him bald, which he is, so he curses them and two she-bears…
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(very important that we know the gender, apparently)
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…Yeah, they were chick-bears. And they kill forty two children! Did all forty two call him bald? Were they chanting it? Did they all stand in a long line? Anyway, yeah, call Elisha bald and get mauled by bears. Check.
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Then in chapter three, and try to keep up here, the kings of Edom, Israel and Judah set off for war with Moab and they forgot to bring water. So they get Elisha and he’s a dick about it, but he helps them by summoning a flood and getting god on their side against Moab… until the king burns his son alive in god’s name, at which time god calls them off because, hey, god has a thing for incinerated children.
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Makes perfect sense.
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Chapter 4 kicks off with Elisha fracking supernatural gas for some degenerate widow-gambler. The whole story seems to be an endorsement of United States foreign policy. If you owe creditors, you can pay off your debts by ruining the environment, and taking oil from religious Middle Eastern men.
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Right so besides the oil thing, Elisha also multiplies some corn, makes a barren woman pregnant, brings the kid back to life when he dies and unpoisons some stew.
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Yeah, and I didn’t think they’d go straight back to this particular magical power, but Elijah definitely taught his protege how a dude can dry hump a dead baby back to life … But it’s not as bad as it sounds … This time, the kid sneezes seven times … Which is only three short of an orgasm … So that like 70% consentual already.
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And then Elisha cures a dude of leprosy… before giving the leprosy to his servant for being an asshole.
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And the leper he cured was a big army commander. I can’t help but picture the Black Knight with no arms and no legs … still yelling at Arthur-
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“What are you gonna do, bleed on me?!?”
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“I’m invincible!!!”
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“You’re a looney.”
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“I’ll bite your legs off!”
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And since it wasn’t made explicitly clear in the first five chapters, Elisha isn’t some kind of fake prophet … who can’t magneto a metal axe-head out of the ocean. He did – in fact – do exactly that. And like 3 or 4 un-named ancient desert lumberjacks saw it.
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He also strikes an entire army blind, marches them to a different city, gives them back their sight and makes them dinner I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves here, but Elisha is making Jesus look like a pussy.
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And this is where God’s divine biographer insists that we know about the state of the barter economy. So for the record, two and a half liters of bird shit, were equal in value, to legally purchasing a rape victim from her father … Although the author doesn’t make it clear whether this is too much – or too little – bird shit.
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So that’s a real thing in the Bible!!! And we’re the assholes?!? The nominee for divine book of creation, effectively contains a bird shit to daughter-rape conversion chart, and we’re the assholes?!?
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And as if we hadn’t spent enough time on what a bad ass Elisha is, there’s a siege against Samaria.
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And you know it’s bad when people start pulling the old “we’ll eat your son today and mine tomorrow” trick.
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But the king asks for Elisha’s help so he has god trick all the besiegers into running off, which apparently he could have done before they started eating their children.
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And then we get some fucking literature for a change. Took me 544 pages of this shit before I actually stopped and said, “Oh, that was good”, but when we get the story of Elisha and Hazael, it actually gave me goosebumps. That was some solid shit.
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Phenomenal introduction of a villain.
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And yeah, I’m not gonna spoil it. It’s that good. I suggest you read those 9 sentences. And if you haven’t been listening along, by the way, those are the first 9 sentences of this book that I’d recommend to anyone.
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So everybody’s still warring with everybody and Elisha’s sick of it so he sends one of his acolytes to declare a new king via drive-by anointing.
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So Jehu becomes king over all of Israel, but nobody told the current king so Jehu gathers up an army to go tell him himself. And the kings of both Judah and Israel do exactly what it says to do in the Monarch Manual when a new claimant to the throne shows up at your gates. They wander out and ask what he wants. So he shoots them both to death with arrows.
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And he finally makes good on god’s promise to have dogs eat Jezebel by getting a couple of eunuchs to toss her out the window.
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“Any castrated slaves up there, who aren’t completely satisfied with their employment situation? Defenestrate that bitch!!!”
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And then Jehu goes on a fucking rampage. He demands the heads of all 70 of Ahab’s sons and he uses them to decorate the city gates. Then he kills all Ahab’s priests, loyalists, patrons, childhood friends, fluffer, substitute teachers…
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And then he rounds up all the worshippers of Baal, kills them, burns down their temple and pisses on it.
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And now the public restrooms at Disney Holy Land stand on that spot. I imagine slaves dressed as golden calves run around in a pit, and Israeli kids piss on them to earn prize tickets.
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Then we meet the evil queen Athaliah who’s such a cunt that the people overthrow her to install a seven year old as their king.
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And there were Batman Lego sets for all
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And chapter twelve seems like it was retrofitted when a lot of people started asking where the money was going.
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Yeah, an odd diversion for a dozen paragraphs while it promises us that all the money is going to temple repairs, we swear.
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And those were NOT child slaves, those were union contractors. We Jews choose our laborers the same way as our women: Slow and expensive, but talented with tools.
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And try as they might, the Israelites can’t please the lord. They burn the worshippers of Baal, but they leave the sacred pillars. They destroy the sacred pillars, they leave the high places. They just can’t get it together so god keeps punishing them by letting other nations annex bits of their country.
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I’m just curious . . . How the FUCK do you end the existence of a “high place”?!? Build something taller, so the original spot is no longer a high place? You can’t ban ‘height relativism’.
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And if that’s not enough, the stupid king doesn’t strike his magic arrows into the ground enough times when Elisha dies so they can’t obliterate Aram.
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And if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear these guys didn’t read the book of the annals of the kings of Israel, because they never remember to turn away from the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, which he had caused Israel to commit, which was made up of the unkosher shit they ate.
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Then in fourteen we get the reign of ancient Judean king and Vegas strip-tease magician “Amaziah”.
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–
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And the next two chapters just repeat the dull “kings list” pattern; so and so, son of so and so, reigned for so many years in Israel and he did evil in the sight of the lord, and he slept with his ancestors and they buried him in the city of David. Next!
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Plus you’re trying to keep up with two kingdoms at once which makes it a migraine.
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And in between doing evil in the sight of the lord and dying, there’s always one trivial fact about him. He went to war with so and so, he massacred Edomites, he paid off the king of Assyria… Who picks the one thing that they say about the dude? I can’t imagine the most significant thing that King Ahaz did was temple decor.
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And then the Assyrians finally show up and get the exile started, ostensibly because the Israelites worshipped gods other than proper jew god.
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And here’s what I don’t get about god… he’s pissed at the jews because some of them didn’t worship him exclusively, so he gives their land to a group where none of them worship him exclusively.
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Yeah, it’s almost like it was a post-hoc rationalization by besieged monotheists.
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It’s nice the way god’s existence takes the meaning away from the failure/success concept … and also everything we ever do as humans.
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But, of course, the newcomers don’t know how to keep jew god happy so they suffer a number of lion attacks as they adjust.
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Yes, and apparently at present the jews are being held captive in Assyria to this very day. Because it says so in the bible. And the bible is literal according to people who either haven’t read or haven’t comprehended it.
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They just pay one Jewish dude to dress up as the mascot, and stand in a cage with a placard of 2 Kings 17. “Look I’m an authentic Israelite exiled forever to this shitty street corner in Northern Iraq. Don’t let this happen to you.” Religion’s like the Truman Show, but with 6 billion Trumans all getting fooled at once, somehow.
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And then we meet king Hezekiah of Judah, who tells the Assyrian King to fuck off.
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The king is pissed but god is pissed-er and when the Assyrian army marches on them, God kills them in the night, leading everyone who ever served in one of god’s armies to say, “Wait… if you can just kill them yourself, what the fuck do you need me for?”
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“We’ve been marching around a desert for decades, wearing 150 pounds of bronze, swinging swords, and you have drones with smart bombs?!? I’m chafing like a leper over here. My crotch looks like a half-eaten pastrami on rye.”
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Hezekiah gets sick, and in a chronologically perplexing twist Isaiah shows up to tell him he’s gonna die. He asks god really nicely and god agrees to add 15 years to his life and turn the sun back a few minutes to show that he means it.
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And if you want to know more about Hezekiah, is it not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?
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And can I just say that the Annals of the Kings of Judah must have been a fucking dull read. I can’t help but think of it as the outtakes of the shittiest parts of the Old Testament.
-
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Then we get a couple particularly ungodly kings. You know, build their sacred poles in really high places and what-not.
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And then we get Josiah, who I’m starting to think commissioned this thing. Anyway, his cleaning lady finds a book entitled “How to not make god destroy Judah” and when the king starts reading it, of course, they’re doing all the shit it says not to do.
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So they tear their clothes. Disheartened jews and angry wrestlers…
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This is also where Josiah embezzles some wishing well gold. He says to the high priest: “Take all our cash, and give it to my friend who’s in charge of the carpenter’s union. He’s super honest, so don’t even worry about getting a receipt. And then go back and rewrite chapter 12 to have several details that conveniently correspond to what I’m telling you is happening right now. Probably a good idea to put something about this in the book of the annals of the kings too.
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And he busts his ass to de-heathen the whole place, but god’s unimpressed so he decides to wipe Judah out as well.
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Then in twenty-four Nebuchadnezzar shows up and it’s so welcome. And he takes Judah and breaks Solomon’s toys.
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But the puppet king Nebuchadnezzar left in charge doesn’t know what’s good for him so he rebels, so Ol’ Nebby takes the city, captures the king, kills his sons, pokes his eyes out and takes him captive.
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And then they try to put a positive spin on it at the end by pointing out that the next king was really nice to the blind, deposed prisoner that used to lead the Jews.
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He even got an allowance … which was ample.
And thus ends a migraine of a four-book history of Israel that began back in One Samuel. I don’t know about you guys, but I learned nothing.
The good news, though, is that as I understand it Chronicles is basically an alternate ending to that whole story so we’re not out of the woods yet. But we’ve got three weeks to rub our temples before taking that one on. Heath, Lucinda, thanks as always.
Episode 45 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Link to Episode
Link to Foundation Beyond Belief
Warning: This podcast breaks between 50 and 70 per cent of the commandments, depending on who you ask.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fox’s new “holistic programming” channel: Placebo FX; featuring an all-star line up of pseudo-scientific programming including hits like “Grey’s Astrology”, Chiropractor Who and Sons of Anthropometry.
Placebo FX: Because TV execs stopped trying when they realized people would watch American Idol.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s December 26th
And we can finally listen to elevator music in public places again.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from city waiting for it’s balls to drop, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
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Belgium puts the youth back in euthanasia,
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Optimus Prime will die for your sins,
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And Hemant Mehta rejoins us to spackle some cracks in the wall of separation.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
Last week I was doing a little Insufficiently-Executed-Jew-Mas shopping at one of New York’s fine Fifth Avenue retail establishments when I happened upon 5 white haired little old ladies in matching smocks. And on these smocks they’d written, in glue and glitter, the words, “Granny Peace Brigade”. And unlike me, they weren’t giving in to seasonally induced mindless-consumerism. No, quite the opposite in fact. They were there to protest. And of all the evils that face our world, they’d chosen to invest their efforts of protestation on fucking video games.
And I stood there and regarded them with anthropological curiosity. Because clearly they’d put some time into this. They’d spent the money on matching yellow smocks and they didn’t half ass the glitter. They’d clearly each made their own, but each one had the team name written in block letters of approximately the same height. And they’d all met up for crafts and maybe some lunch or something and then headed out to show those evil retailers how they felt about them filthy computer whats-its with the blood and guts in ‘em.
So it’s not the they weren’t willing to put in the time to research it. They just didn’t do it. Do violent video games correlate with violence? There’s mountains of good data out there and much of it is available for free on the internet. The consensus seems to be almost certainly no and while there’s some indication that violent people tend toward violent video games, there’s no compelling evidence to suggest that violent video games lead to increases in violent behavior.
But these ladies didn’t bother to check. They’d already invested time and passion and glitter in this shit. You think they were gonna do some independent research that might have proved them wrong? Hell no! Obviously research wasn’t on the menu or they would have picked a store that sold video games.
Research, shmesearch. They looked at video games, saw violence, looked at the news, saw violence and they put two and two together. Sure, they got thirteen, but the important thing is that they had an excuse to get together with the bridge club and make a trip to Ben Franklins.
And when I see these misguided geriatric “blood”ites and their fruitless campaign to impact violence through good intentions and stupidity, I can’t help but think back to four mandatory years in high school of English lit with no classes on critical thinking. No pre-requisites about psychology or epistemology or formal logic. And nothing against English Lit, but so far in my adult life the ability to spot bullshit has been far handier than even the best of quatrains.
But thanks to religious fundies, critical thinking isn’t on the school menu. Because think of all the shit teachers get when they teach redneck kids about evolution. Imagine if the kids were coming home asking where Noah got his Patagonian pumas. Or how Moses wrote the parts about his own funeral. Or why we should thank god for sacrificing himself to himself in the first place.
I’m not going to say that religion is the reason people are stupid, but it helps. It fosters a stupid, overly-accommodating culture that says there are multiple ways to arrive at truth and the ones with evidence and data aren’t any better than the ones without. We have different ways of evaluating the truth and sure, yours uses your brain, but mine uses my heart. Or my pancreas, since that’s just as logical a place to say my thoughts come from as my heart. And my pancreas thoughts are as good as your brain thoughts because science can’t tell us everything and nobody knows for sure.
And meanwhile, if we could just set all that shit aside and agree on a consistent and logical way of evaluating claims (we could call it science) then we could figure out what matters and what doesn’t and put our time toward something more productive than protesting video games, but we’d rather not do that because we don’t like being wrong… and we’ve already made the smocks.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is reigning Champion of the InKredulous Podcast, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to throw down some of that award winning incredulity?
Why are we even talking about this?!? This entire podcast should go without saying!!!
If god existed, I wouldn’t win at anything!!!
Well done; now how about some of that award-eligible headline delivering?
In our lead story tonight, A&E suspended ‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson, after the release of a GQ interview, in which he made several unoriginal homophobic remarks, including a hackneyed comparison of gay sex to bestiality. As a result, God-fearing, Christian, heterosexual sheep fuckers everywhere, are up in arms. And that means Westboro Baptist Church is up in arms.
Yeah, when the Westboro Baptist Church is coming to your defense, it’s a good sign your career is over.
So the heir to the “synthetic quacking fortune” released a statement…
Did it just say, “I’m a 67 year old Christian redneck from Louisiana that kills small animals for a living; of course I hate queers you idiots.”
No, it actually explained how he’s super tolerant of gays: (quote) “We just give ’em the good news about Jesus – whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later.” (end quote) …
So that’s nice. He doesn’t put arbitrary labels on people, like gay … alcoholic … suicide bomber.
And as for that ‘good news’ … those groups are all equally going to hell fairly. So good news gay drunks who’ve been dying to get into terrorism: Nothing holding you back now!!! And good news lesbian Al Queda soldiers: Drink up!!! And good news bi-curious alcoholic suicide bombers: Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance!!!
“Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance”… okay, so when we get them to take “In God We Trust” off the money, we’ve got a ready replacement.
Along with the WBC, several other professional bigoted assholes have voiced support for Robertson’s traditionally acceptable hate speech, including the Family Research Council, and Quran-burning Pastor Terry Jones. They argue that A&E “not H-eight-ing fags”, denies Robertson’s First Amendment Right to exercise Christianity in a world where all corporations H-eight fags.
The Duck Dynasty Guy getting from the Westboro Baptist Church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/20/westboro-baptist-duck-dynasty_n_4479995.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And from the “Now Where Will We Crucify Voltron?” file tonight, a San Diego federal judge has decided that a 43 foot tall concrete cross on public property could be interpreted as a government endorsement of Christianity.
Or at least government persecution of Jews, Muslims, and Transformers.
Don’t say that around Michael Bay or I swear Optimus’ll be hanging from this thing in part seven. Now I think it’s worth noting that this is only the latest in a long series of judges ruling the Mount Soledad cross unconstitutional. Legal wrangling over the status of the controversial eyesore has been ongoing since 1989 and it was already found to be unconstitutional once in the nineties and again in 2011. Because it’s a giant, gaudy cross sitting on top of a mountain on public property and it doesn’t take a seasoned magistrate to see what’s wrong with that.
I’d say the best way to get rid of the cross would be burning it. Shouldn’t be too hard to find some Christians to get on board with that.
Proponents of the cross have tried everything from making the surrounding space a memorial to selling the land to transferring it to federal jurisdiction to avoid complying with the constitution, and despite the fact that a church a few hundred feet from the present location has offered to keep it on their property, proponents fight on because what’s the point of having a 29 foot tall cross on a 14 foot base if it isn’t on the summit of a mountain?
Judge orders that Mount Soledad cross be removed: http://marksilk.religionnews.com/2013/12/13/why-the-mt-soledad-cross-and-its-like-are-unconstitutional/
And in “Salvation Arms Race” news, the War on Christmas rages on, as bell-ringer Kristina Vindiola was punched really hard in the arm, while collecting donations outside an Arizona Wal-Mart. Reports indicate she provoked the violence when she started shouting anti-Christian epithets like “Happy Holidays”.
This may be the stupidest example of Christian dominionism. Set aside that before they started getting all uppity about it most people thought of “Happy holidays” as a way of getting Merry Christmas and Happy New Year out in 5 syllables; even if it means what they think it means, they’re getting pissed off at people for publicly acknowledging the fact that some people have a different religion than them. How dare some?
So an un-named “Merry Christmas Fundamentalist” heard Vindiola use slurs like the “H-words” several times, as well as other inflammatory synonymous phrases like, “BLANK-cember 25th”. The Christian shopper obviously became incensed, and shouted back something like: “Don’t you believe in God? It’s Merry Christmas, you godless cunt!” – and then assaulted Vindiola for being a terrible Christian.
Salvation Army volunteer punched for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/17/kristina-vindiola-punched-happy-holidays_n_4460525.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003
And in equal opportunity genital joke news tonight, the Russian Punk Band Pussy Riot was released from a Russian prison last week when it was deemed that the national threat that their metronomic cadence and scaled down barred chords presented had sufficiently expired.
And the feminist movement takes another blow … which they hate. The most famous all-female band in history still has “Pussy” in their name. Pussy Riot surpassed the illustrious Pussycat Dolls on their climb to the top of the … tiny area below the glass floor.
The members of the all-girl band were originally imprisoned after recording a music video that criticized the Russian church’s support of Putin and in a theoretically abnormal abuse of anti-blasphemy laws, Putin incarcerated the group after painstakingly revealing the details of his evil plan.
And I suppose now that we’re this deep into the Pussy story, it’s inevitable that we put 30 seconds on the clock…
I can usually go twice that long.
Names for Vaginal Tribute bands. Go!
Bled Zeppelin
Johnny Gash and Tennessee Twat
Cooze Traveler
Cleft Leppard
Blue Oyster Cunt
Queef Latifah
Molly Hatchet Wound
And for the ladies who like in the Jazz; Cunt Basie and the Kansas Titty 5
Phish … Tacos
Queen Crimson, maybe? More like a gay joke than a pussy joke, I guess…
Grand Master Gash
Labio-Head?
Meat Loaf Wallet
Fleetwood Crack
Pink Void: featuring Roger Twatters
Hoo-Hah and the Blowfish
Snatch Box Twenty
I have a few more, but I think that’s enough feminism for the time being.
Amazing that in 17 vagina puns we never used “clit”
I looked for one but I couldn’t find it.
Pussy-Riot members released from prison: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/20/pussy-riot-rockers-convicted-of-religious-hatred-are-released-from-russian-prison/
And just a few quick items before we close the headlines . . .
Item One: 61 years after UK courts convicted math and computer genius Alan Turing of being too gay while cracking Nazi cryptography, and 59 years after his related suicide, the living Queen pardoned the dead queen, and apologized that he was offered chemical castration via female hormone sex-change injections in lieu of jail.
So soon?
Item Two is a quick update on the would be Satanic monument on the Oklahoma Statehouse steps that we talked about a couple of episodes ago. After receiving additional requests from Hindus and animal right activists, the state has declared a moratorium on new monuments, that will, of course, not affect the ten commandments monument that got this ball of shit rolling.
Oklahoma declares “moratorium” on displays at Statehouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/19/okla-wont-allow-new-requests-for-capitol-monuments-after-satanists-others/
Item Three: Human veal supply will spike after euthanasia was approved for youth in Belgium. And it’s about time . . . When you eat Chinese children, you just want to adopt another kid thirty minutes later.
http://www.religionnews.com/2013/12/19/belgium-debates-allowing-gravely-ill-children-right-die/
And quick, before it gets worse, we’ll close out the headlines. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back, I’ll be rejoined by Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta to talk about what students can do to keep god out of their high schools.
Outro:
Before we apologize awkwardly and claim it’s never happened to us before tonight, I wanted to direct you to a hilarious episode of the InKredulous Podcast featuring Jay Novella of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe, our very own Heath Enwright and our very own me. You can Google InKredulous (with a “K”) or you can look for a handy link on the shownotes for this episode. Huge thanks to Andy for the invite.
http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/
I also need to thank Lucinda for opening the show for us, I need to thank Heath for his humorous lack of a moral compass, I need to thank Hemant Mehta once again for a really productive and interesting conversation and I want to remind you that you can find links to his website and the Foundation Beyond Belief on our homepage and on the shownotes for this episode.
Of course, I’ve also gotta thank Dustin from the Atheist Nomads podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. His partner did one before but Dustin made more of the rock star entrance. If you haven’t checked out their podcast yet you have noone to blame for it but yourself. Again, links can be found on the shownotes.
I need to congratulate Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for Grinching all the joy out of Christmas for me this year by defeating me by less than four points last week in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, thus earning the first ever championship title in said league.
But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most exceptional vertebrates; Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane. Steve-O, who’s so cool they measure him in Kelvin; Chester, who’s fortified with 13 essential vitamins and minerals; David, whose athletic prowess is so great he hold records in sports he’s never played; Ryan, who is second only to the Hokey-Pokey in being what it’s all about; James, who shall one day inherit a kingdom and make a killing with it on ebay and Magnus the Great Dane, who is, by default more correct on the god question than more than three-quarters of the world’s human population because even a species that eats it’s own poop knows better than to believe in god.
These six notable and noble humanitarians and caninatarians have justified the proterozoic leap into multi-cellular life this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the compassion, composure and competence to compensate us, but if you think you share Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane complementable competence, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you got duped by that old “better to give than to receive” line again this year and blew all your cash, no worries. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a review on iTunes and checking us out on all the various social media places you frequent. Oh, and check us out on Stitcher because I forgot to mention that the last couple weeks and our Stitcher ranking dropped so do that.
If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 44 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Warning: I took an Advil PM an hour ago so I can’t remember what I’m supposed to say, but Heath and Noah are gonna say fuck.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Jesus-themed Chinese Restaurant chain “Wok on Water”; from the team that brought you the delicious Jewish/Asian Fusion Cuisine Cho-Zen. Come in and try this week’s special, Peking of Kings Duck with Easter Egg Drop Soup.
Wok on Water: The masters of cruci-fried rice.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s December 19th
And Kickers and Defense shouldn’t count in fantasy football.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from bitterly frigid New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
-
We learn humans came on Earth via arcing ropes of panspermia.
-
We find out that reindeer games are more hockey than basketball,
-
And Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will join us to rescue a shred of dignity, after the Paul Walker necrophilia jokes.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
This past weekend Heath and I were playing each other in the semi-finals of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists; a fantasy league we play in with a bunch of other secular podcasters and bloggers. And I don’t just bring this up so that I have an excuse to mention that I trounced him and will face off against Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance in the Championship Game this weekend. There’s also a minor detail that clumsily segues into the point of this week’s diatribe.
So I’m watching Eddie Lacy lead an amazing comeback victory amid a burgeoning 24.3 point fantasy performance that would ultimately best Heath and end his fantasy season in crushing defeat and I’m doing so with a couple of friends. One of them is a nice enough guy, but he’s one of those athletic precog-wannabes that constantly says shit like, “Watch, this next one’s gonna be a touchdown”, or “I bet he throws an interception here”. He’s wrong as often as odds would suggest he would be but on the rare occasion that he gets one right, he starts planning his future as a psychic crime fighter.
And as I’m listening to Nostra-dumb-ass rattle off his predictions, I can’t help but think of all the easy parallels between that and religion. This tendency to take credit for shit you obviously had nothing to with even if it means willfully ignoring how often you’re wrong.
We talked about one of the micro-manifestation of this two weeks ago when I bitched for four minutes about athletes thanking god when they win and not sacrificing the appropriate number of bulls when they lose. Thanks for the win, Jesus, and sorry the desolate one got the best of you in the three consecutive losses that led to it. Thanks for the parking space, Jesus, and I’m sure you had a good reason for intentionally making me drive around SoHo for 20 minutes before you provided it.
And as much as it pisses me off to adopt the “good thing happened therefore god did it” attitude, it’s nothing compared to the equally common “good thing happened therefore Christians did it” attitude.
Consider it on the historical scale. There are plenty of Christians that will tell you the church led the charge to end slavery around the world. But they’ll conveniently leave out the fact that the church also led the opposition to the charge to end slavery around the world. They try to take credit for civil rights, for women’s suffrage for fuck’s sake. In fifty years they’ll be telling us how religion paved the way toward equality for gays.
But now dial it back a bit and consider it on the cultural scale. And I won’t have to reach too far to find my example. Consider all the “reason for the season” bullshit that pissed you off on Facebook this week. Consider the desperate attempts to claim authorship for all the various pagan celebrations that have survived and coalesced through societal evolution over the years and how jealously they guard their dominion over them.
I know the point’s been made plenty of times before, but none of the good parts of Christmas are Christian. The gifts, the lights, the tree, the mistletoe, the joy, the charity, the tinsel, the feasts, the family, the elvish reverse-burglar, the emotionally manipulative TV commercials, the caroling, the stars, the remote control helicopters… all of these things have non-Christian origins. And I’m willing to bet that if you keep all that shit and take out the Baby Jesus stuff and the guilt-induced church attendance, people wouldn’t stop celebrating Christmas. And if you took out the Pagan stuff it would be as popular as Epiphany or Ash Wednesday.
And as vociferously as they protest anytime somebody makes the claim that Christmas is a secular holiday, they don’t own it. They don’t have any claim to it. They don’t have a copyright on presents or Santa Claus or decorated trees. And while we’re at it, they don’t have exclusive claim to joy, forgiveness, happiness or goodwill. Hell, they don’t even have a monopoly on fictional guys with beards and magic powers that judge you morally and bestow gifts accordingly.
They started the war on Christmas when they stole in the first place. There’s nothing at all wrong with fighting back.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is first runner-up in the semi-final round of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to watch jealously as I compete for the title next week?
Fuck Justin Tucker.
In our lead story tonight, Judge Brian M. Cogan of the Federal District Court in Brooklyn has granted the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York a judicial prophylactic against the provision of the Affordable Care Act that would require they provide contraceptive care to the employees of their non-profit affiliates. Judge Cogan found that giving the church no right to dictate the lawful sexual behavior of people they tangentially employed would be a violation of the first amendment.
Will the insurance cover paper towels to clean up after you pull out?
No, I think that still counts. Keep in mind that nobody’s asking these bishops to buy condoms and distribute them to their employees. And nobody’s requiring that anybody buy or use contraceptives of any kind. They’re just requiring that employers provide healthcare that covers contraceptives without a co-pay; and not just because Satan loves rubbers. It’s also at least subtly influenced by the fact that contraceptives are way cheaper than pregnancies and all the good kinds of abortion.
Are you sure about the good abortions? How much could it possibly cost to get all these women one coat hanger each?!? The ones that work in the same office could even share.
Court sides with Archdiocese in contraception controversy: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/17/nyregion/new-york-archdiocese-wins-ruling-on-contraception.html?_r=0&adxnnl=1&rref=nyregion&hpw=&adxnnlx=1387310059-n3uEUr09A3o8ZSYIdyqc4A
And in “Panspermia” news . . . No I am not talking about the new stir-fry dish at “Wok on Water”. Nor am I speaking of the penalty for being a shitty customer at Pizza Hut. I’m talking about the the book by alleged ecologist Doctor Ellis Silver, entitled “Humans Are Not From Earth: A Scientific Evaluation of the Evidence”.
Oh, well if it says “scientific” right there in the title…
First reaction: Real scientists shouldn’t need to expressly announce in the title, that their studies are (quote) “scientific evaluations of evidence”. Those are the fucking rules already.
Yeah, it does have an “I swear I’m not lying” ring to it…
That being said, let’s take a look at some of Dr. Silver’s super-sciencey stuff . . . which he chose not to publish in scientific journals, because he wants to engender non-expert debate on the subject.
Of course…
So he had a bunch of theories, including “Humans just don’t feel at home on Earth”. But my favorite one is (quote) “The size of babies’ heads present a problem for women when giving birth” (end quote). So he’s saying, if women aren’t aliens, why don’t they have giant vaginas?!? … If anything, the problem isn’t small vaginas . . . It’s our huge penises. Can’t speak for everyone, but Irish Brothas be performin’ C-Sections. So apparently aliens from Alpha Centauri are smart enough to travel multiple lightyears between solar systems, but can’t manage to find a planet that matches their snatch size?!?
Interesting story selection, by the way. It sounds less like a story we would normally cover on the Scathing Atheist and more like a story Andy would have given you for the InKredulous podcast we recently guested on before switching you out to a different story at the last minute leaving you with a fully written story you didn’t need. Weird.
Panspermians looking to debunk Darwin: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2507377/Humans-NOT-come-Earth–sunburn-bad-backs-pain-labour-prove-expert-claims.html
And from the “I’m Dreaming of a White Christian” file, Fox News anchor and shrieking bobblehead Megyn Kelly offended people who are and are not white last week when she insisted that despite the perplexing historical and genealogical implications, Jesus was white. And as if trying to camouflage the stupidity of that claim amid the larger stupidity of another, she couched it as an example to bolster the claim that Santa Claus is also white.
Well he’s giving gifts to a whole bunch of different kids, in different houses on Christmas, so he sounds more like a black guy to me. Although he is a job creator, so it’s hard to say.
This tangent into xenophobic insanity came as a response to calls for some racial inclusivity in the Santa legend. After all [spoiler alert] Santa doesn’t actually exist, so why can’t we warm our children’s hearts with stories about black men breaking into their homes once a year?
How about a compromise? Santa can still be white, but the elves that work for him without compensation can be black. And instead of reindeer he can have Mexicans. Hold on, that makes no sense. The sweat-shop elves should be Mexican, and the reindeer should be black.
On Shizzle, on Nizzle, on T-Bone and Pookie…
But it’s a white dude naming the black sleigh slaves . . .
So like “On Toby, on Rupert, on Django … on Pookie.”
Jesus can say say cracker: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-brad-hirschfield/santa-is-white-really_b_4433624.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003 <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/13/the-unbearable-whiteness-of-being-megyn-kelly-jon-stewart-skewers-fox-news-caucasian-persuasion/ <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/12/tabula-reza-foxs-megyn-kelly-insists-jesus-was-a-white-guy-reza-aslan-responds/
And from the “So Many Holes, So Little Crime” file, Judge Clark Waddoups of the US District Court in Utah, ruled in favor of the polygamous family from the reality show “Sister Wives”, declaring a law against their plural marriages unconstitutional.
And the anti-gay-marriage lobby’s collective echo of “Told ya so!” could be heard throughout the country. “Next it’s gonna be them fellers what fuck sheep an’ stuff!”
The show documents the life of Kody Brown and his family of four wives and seventeen children. Clearly wanting to set me up for a “Big Love” joke, Brown is about 6’4″ – 250, and appears to like his women the same way, with matching feathered, blond, David Spade haircuts.
Yeah, if we’re just going by weight, marrying any one of these gals is polygamy.
So now that we’re on the subject of the vagina-heavy sexual exploits of these genius bigamist bastards,
I see where you’re going. 30 seconds on the clock … Mormon Porn Stars and Titles: GO!
Does it have to be shit porn, like last week?- Nevermind doesn’t matter: “8 Wives, 1 Cup”
No it doesn’t have to be shit porn, but if it did, I would lead off with Glenn Pecker starring in “Nobody Swallows Shit Like Mormons”
“Dry County Golden Showers”
Clit Romney in “Nymphos and Nephites”… a follow up to her 2009 hit “Laying the Lamanites”
Brigham Hung in “The Great Salty Lake”
Damn it. I was gonna go with the “Great Salt Lick” but now I have to change it. Um… How about “Polygamy, myself and Irene… and Cassandra and Judith and Sharon and Anne”?
Ted Bundy’s Magical Undies … That’s right: Serial killer extraordinaire Ted Bundy was a Mormon.
I’m surprised the momos don’t advertise that more… it would make them seem less like pansies. Okay, how about Tony “Big Bologna” Moroni in “Brides and Prejudice”?
“Missionary Position: Finger on the Front Buzzer” . . . And of course: “Missionary Position Number 2: Getting Pushy at the Rear Entrance”
Described by critics as a Polyga-must see. And of course, the homo-momo-erotic classic; Trey Park-it and Matt Blown present “The Book of More-Men”
Utah judge strikes down anti-polygamy law: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/12/14/21903224-federal-judge-strikes-down-key-parts-of-utahs-polygamy-law-in-sister-wives-ruling
So I guess we’ll close it quick before Heath realizes that recently deceased crappy actor Paul Walker was a Mormon and starts suggesting Mormon necrophilia porn titles…
The Recently Passed and the Curious?
Well, they do practice posthumous baptism so they do have experience moistening dead people.
And on that lovely image, we’ll close headlines for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will sit down with me for a much tamer conversation about the problems that young atheists face when openly declaring their disbelief.
Interview: Hemant Mehta
Link to Hemant’s Blog: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/
Link to Hemant’s Book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Young-Atheists-Survival-Guide/dp/1939221072
Link to Secular Student Alliance: http://www.secularstudents.org/
Link to Freedom From Religion Foundation: http://ffrf.org/
Link to Reddit/Atheism: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/
Outro:
Before we set up camp for the night, I wanted to remind everyone that if you hear this before the 21st, you still have time to nominate us for a Stitcher Award at Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com. You can nominate up to once per day and you can nominate us in multiple categories so we strongly suggest that you do that.
I also wanted to thank Cat and Mouse for giving Heath and I our first opportunity to actually meet a couple of our listeners. Probably a way bigger deal for us than it was for them so thanks for that and sorry for constantly looking over your shoulders to see how Le’Veon Bell was doing but hey, it’s the fantasy playoffs, you know?
I also need to thank Heath for being funny enough to get away with saying the shit he says. I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her lovely voice to open the show, I need to thank Hemant Mehta one more time and remind you that as good as the first half of that interview was, the second half is even better. And you have a week to read his book before you hear that, so if you want to do the homework, you’ll find a link to it and to his blog on the shownotes for this episode
And of course, I’ve got to thank Andy Wilson of the Merseyside Skeptics and the InKredulous Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for inviting Heath and me to join him on his incredibly hilarious show. Look for that episode coming in the very near future and look for a link on our Twitter feed and Facebook page as soon as said link is available.
http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/
But most of all tonight I need to thank this week’s most tremendous terrestrials, Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin. Jacqueline, whose sexual magnetism carries a court-ordered pacemaker warning; Ward, whose statuesque physique would be a frustratingly persuasive argument in favor of intelligent design; Bill, whose voice is so sexy it makes automated operator’s come; Tim, who chops through flaming, steel girders with his dick; Katja, whose genetic perfection is so absolute they’re renaming a nucleotide after her; Jeffrey, whose legendary swordsmanship and nautical notoriety are the reason so many pirates are missing an eye; Wolfgang, whose name would kick anybody else’s name’s ass in a fight except possibly Magnus and Benjamin, whose inevitable greatness is so palpable that statues have already been commissioned in advance of his world-altering accomplishments.
These eight elegant, admirable and accommodating altruists proved themselves in the only non-Jenga related way that matters this week by giving us money. Only the atheists that believe in god the least have the incredulity required to give us money, but if you think you share the superlative skepticism of Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help us out but you have kids and it’s December, you can help us a ton for free by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and telling a friend about the show. If you need more Scathe in your life you can find us on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and we have a blog and occasionally, there’s shit on that too.
If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 43 – Partial Transcript
Oh, were you stopping by for the Stitcher Award Nomination Link? CLICK HERE… (and thanks)
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda&Noah Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints)
Warning: This podcast contains adult language including two shits, a fuck, a piss, another fuck, dick, jizz, another fuck, motherfucker, bitch, two more shits, cunt, cock, fucktard, fuck-nozzle, several assholes, more fucks…
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of pre-apocalyptic rapture supply outlets; Genesis 7-11. Because now that they’re letting the queers get married, you know god’s judgment can’t be far off. Mention this ad and get a free set of swimmies with any purchase over twenty dollars.
Genesis 7-11: Thank you Jesus, come again.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s December 12th
And my ass is less of a J-Lo, and more of a Cee Lo
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from coniferous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
-
We’ll learn that it’s hard to roll R’s with a dick in your mouth.
-
We’ll find out that everyone has an equal right to discriminate against gays.
-
And the perfect, plump roundness of Rush Limbaugh’s face is related to pi.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
If Tennessee is the buckle of the bible belt, South Georgia is the taint. Which works out well because clearly the Florida panhandle is the scrotum. So unless you consider the Mississippi delta to be the asshole, in which case coastal Alabama is the taint, South Georgia is the de facto Bible taint.
And boy what a taint it is. I should know. I spent a big chunk of my childhood there. I spent six formative years of my life living in a place where the two accepted religious affiliations were Baptist and Devil-Worshipper. Where you had to drive to a theater two towns away to see blasphemous films like, I shit you not, Wayne’s World. Where church groups organized dozens of people to protest a comic book shop because they were promoting, I continue to shit you not, Dungeons and Dragons.
My first job was washing dishes at a local pizzeria where I was dismissed as “the guy who thinks we came from monkeys”. The principle at my high school led the students in prayer during the morning announcements and before each football game. My 10th grade English teacher once spent an entire hour telling us about the dangers of Satanism and my 9th grade science teacher once told the class that gays were an abomination against god and should be dragged into the street and shot.
Religion was everywhere. It was in the school, it was at the mall, it was protesting in front of the movie theater, it was showing up uninvited at my house, it was scolding me from every church sign, it was staring at me from the bumper of every pickup, it was blessing me from every cash register, it was blockading my girlfriend’s vagina. It was inescapable, in charge and insane.
And the stories they believed weren’t just crazy, they were fucking silly. I couldn’t comprehend how anyone took them seriously. I remember walking past church services and wondering if it was all an elaborate hoax that everyone was in on but me. It felt like I was the only sane person on the planet.
I wanted to grab people as they came out of church and say, “can’t we at least agree that this is exactly what religion would look like if it was just made up out of whole cloth to oppress people? Can’t we at least agree that if a ten year old was lying about his invisible pet alien he would use the exact same debate tactics that you guys use? Can’t we at least agree that taking this book about dragons and talking donkeys and resurrected Jews seriously without asking for a shred of tangible evidence is functionally indistinguishable from clinical nincompoopery?”
I couldn’t understand it. Many of these people were reasonable and far more intelligent than me when we weren’t talking about resurrected Jewish messiahs, but as soon as that subject came up an otherwise rational human being would start spouting proofs that they’d never accept in any non-religious circumstance. All of a sudden basic moral precepts like “burning people for eternity is wrong” and “babies aren’t evil sinners” fly out the fucking window.
And for years I just wrote those folks off as stupid. And it’s damned tempting. It’s damn tempting to laugh off the Chicken Little campaigns against Harry Potter books and World of Warcraft and say that they’re the products of misguided, uniformed, paranoid minds. But if you leave it there, you’re underestimating them and you’re underestimating the consequences of growing up in a town that was willing to rise up as one to keep the scourge of Wayne’s World from the local youth.
Religion can only survive on ignorance. Information is the achilles heel of faith and unless they control everything a person watches or plays or reads or learns, nobody’s ever gonna buy into their bullshit. They won’t be able to shut the critical parts of their brain down in those critical moments. They have to fight against everything because it takes a lot of work to make people continue to believe in demonic snakes and octa-centurion ark builders.
But there was no internet back then. There was no way to fact-check them when they controlled the bookstores and the library and the schools. A kid could feel like he or she was the only person in the world with a fully functional brain. There was no internet and there were no forums or wikis or podcasts or blogs.
And maybe when you strip away all the post-hoc justifications, that’s the real reason I do this show. Just to know that when religion dies, I’ll have been a small contributor to the murder weapon.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow brain in a jar Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to dismiss hard solipsism due to it’s lack of functional consequence?
Dismiss what?
Well there you go then.
In our lead story tonight, Al Azhar – a prestigious Islamic university in Cairo – released a study last month examining the fatwas issued by Islamic theocrats in Egypt during the one-year reign of Mohamed Morsi that ended in July of this year. And if you’re anything like me, and you worry about your 10-year-old wife’s tiny vagina being torn to shreds by something other than your adult male penis, the rules all make perfect sense.
So we’re just shredding 10 year old vaginas right up front, huh? Just gonna show up for the blind date with dick in hand. No, that’s fine…
For example, common sense stuff like: “Avoid creating a comfortable rape environment by turning off the air conditioner when you expect your heat-sensitive rapist neighbor might stop by.”
And as much as I wish you made that up, no, that’s a real fatwa. Better your wife spend her days in an un-air-conditioned house in a country with an average high temperature over 90 degrees.
There was another decree that prohibited women from handling bananas, cucumbers, and other phallic flora … that they might shove inside themselves in rabid seizures of uncontrollable female desire. Lesbians were also banned from buying almonds, curtains, and modern art … and from existing in the country.
There was also a fatwa against having sex naked, though, so you never have to know exactly which gender you’re fucking.
My favorite fatwa was issued in response to a clever group of Muslim adulteresses, who were cheating on their husbands with salt water. Turns out the word for “ocean” is a masculine noun, and if the wrong arbitrary linguistic gender assignment touches your wife’s vagina, it’s adultery. But for some reason, it’s perfectly normal for men to swim in a sea of dicks.
Just don’t swallow. It’s salty as fuck.
The Muslim Brotherhood showcased a surprisingly good string of puns when they released the following headline in conjunction with the Adultery Swim Fatwa . . . (quote) “Buoys on the Tide: Sticky situation in the Perversion Gulf as married women swim in gland shark infested waters seeking salt water staffy and motion in the brocean.” (end quote)
I’m adding the Adultery Swim channel’s existence to Jet Pack and the Darth Vader butt plug in case Santa is listening.
But here’s the problem . . . The Arabic word for “nothing” is also masculine, which means she’s gotta put something in there, but only about half the things are eligible, so it gets tricky. Book, but not page. Finger, but not knuckle. Shaft, but not tip. And again, no veggies, so what’s a girl to do?!?
Fatwa: Women who swim in the ocean are committing adultery: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/12/1/-fatwa-women-who-swim-in-the-sea-commit-adultery-should-be-punished <<also>> http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/fatwa-al-azhar-university-cairo-women-swimming-in-sea-adultresses/1/326883.html
And in “Satan debatin’” news tonight; devil’s advocate, posthumous lesbianator and head of the New York based Satanic Temple Lucien Greaves has made it back into the news this week by filing a request to place a Satanic monument on the steps of the Oklahoma Statehouse… right next to the one with the ten commandments on it. Greaves argues that if that space is reserved for religious displays, his religion has as much right to it as any other and unfortunately for Oklahoma theocrats, the stupid laws they recently enacted accidentally agree with him.
This is the great playground moment. That asshole kid makes up a shitty new rule about the endzone boundary, and the very next play he’s past the hydrant, so it’s out of bounds.
When asked about the possibility of a Satanic monument, representative Bobby Cleveland dismissed the idea and the Satanists behind it as falling under (quote) “the nut category”. And not because believing in a giant red monster with a pitchfork that tempts humanity and runs the HR department in Hades is nutty.
So the notion that Lex Luthor exists is ridiculous … but Superman’s obviously real!!!
The Temple says they’re considering a number of designs none of which, unfortunately, involve Jesus and sodomy. And I’d put 30 seconds on the clock here for Jesus Butt-Rape porn titles, but something tells me we’re gonna need that 30 seconds later.
But if anybody wants to chime in with a few, it’s been way too long since (hashtag) Butt Raping Jesus was trending on Twitter . . . I’ll get things rolling . . . Ass-Holy Communion: Receiving the Body of Christ . . .
Satanist seek to put up monument in Oklahoma courthouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/08/satanists-seek-spot-next-to-ten-commandments-monument-on-steps-oklahoma/
And from the “Popes Parting Velvet Ropes” file, Catholicism’s Rico Chart-Topper told Italian churchgoers that he gained valuable experience as a bouncer at a nightclub in Argentina, where it was also very important to correctly identify the age of a minor, no matter what kind of tip they offered. His only regret was jumping right into the priesthood, before he got more experience working the rear entrance.
I wonder how the Union of Argentinian Bouncers is taking this news. On the one hand they might be thinking of using it in their advertising; you know, bounce today, pontificate tomorrow; but on the other hand it’s gotta knock your badass image down three or four spots when people know your job could be done by the elderly hybridization of Woody Allen and Droopy Dog.
To bolster his reputation as the “people’s” supreme pontiff, Pope Frangioplasty made sure to mention that before he was even known as Reverend Whore-Gay Beer Goggles, he was just a normal blue-collar guy, checking fugitive Nazi ID’s, sweeping floors, and figuring out how to become humanity’s conduit to the implied omnipotent watch-maker of the universe.
Pope admits he used to work as a bouncer: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/03/pope-i-was-once-a-bar-bouncer/
And in the “Who Would Jesus Shitcan?” file tonight, we have the story of Michael Griffin, a former teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, who was a current teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania until administrators recently found evidence that he was trying to marry a dude.
It’s weird that they find the ‘attempt to marry’ more offensive than the pre-marital butt sex.
And because US law somehow protects the rights of Catholic institutions to write in “no sucking off dudes” clauses into employment contracts, this bullshit is legal. When asked how being gay-married could possibly affect the performance of Spanish and French teacher, an imaginary representative of the school explained that (quote) “being a homosexual probably helps you with French but he has to teach Spanish, too.”
Gay Catholic School teacher fired for applying for marriage lisence: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/dec/08/us-catholic-school-fires-gay-teacher-marriage
And in “Rush versus The Holy Triumverate” news, Rush Limbaugh is furious at Pope Franno Domini for endangering the Republican Party’s delicate Christianity hijack mission, by reminding Catholics that Jesus – as well as Kindergarten – both teach that “sharing is nice”. Limbaugh believes the Pope is just bitter over losing to him in a “Jowl Roundness Contest”.
I’m dying to know how that thing was judged: I’m picturing them both holding one of those little Japanese drums from Karate Kid Two under their chins, flopping their heads back and forth. Next up, in the acorn hoarding round…
The Octo-Chinned Conservative Casey Kasem – who labeled the Pope’s sharing remarks as (quote) “pure Marxism” – became an expert economist while failing to graduate from Southeast Missouri State. In fairness, for all we know he could have breezed through at his safety school, which was West Northwest Southeast Missouri A&M.
Go Paddlefish!
Limbaugh released a segment called, “It’s Sad How Wrong Pope Francis Is [parentheses] (Unless It’s a Deliberate Mistranslation By Leftists)” . . . So built into his title – in parentheses! … as if almost tacitly understood! – is the claim that liberal spies have likely infiltrated the English translation department at the Vatican, for the purposes of sneaking references to “Das Kapital” into the Pope’s translated speeches, thus undermining American capitalism.
He’s not the best in the business for nothin’. Glenn Beck would have needed 10 minutes and a chalkboard to connect all that shit and Rush does it 14 words and some brackets.
In honor of shitty Christian commentators, as well as yellow and brown journalists everywhere, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Christian Assholes as Shit Porn Stars – GO!!!
And I’m adding the 30 seconds I didn’t use earlier because that’s fucking awesome. So now go.
I’ll start it out with a topical Flush Limbaugh … just as a courtesy.
Bowel O’Steen? Wait… that sounded better before I said it… um… Joel O’Stain?
Maybe Bowl Osteen? . . . No- Bowel Sharpton.
Or Bowely Graham, maybe?
Speaking of stretching the bowels: Bran Coulter?
Brick Perry
Dick Santorum’s too easy . . . Wolf Shitzer?
Cardinal Timothy Colon
Deuce Almighty
Fanny Crosby? That’s only funny if you’re a fan of late 17th century hymns, I guess. How about Pope Fran-Cesspool?
L Ron Buggered
No fair using Scientologists. My first thought was Shit Romney, but I didn’t use him, because Mormonism is a cult.
Anal Roberts
T.P. Jakes!
Scat Robertson
Rush v. the Holy Triumverate: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/02/rush-limbaugh-vs-the-pope/
Well, I hate to pinch off the poop puns early, but we’re outta time. Heath, thanks for hanging out.
And when we return, Lucinda will join us to ruin her chances at a future political career.
One Kings in Rhyme
I suppose that if I was a deity, who fashioned the earth and the seas,
Then covered all up in creatures and made some subordinate mes,
And I had a message I wanted to send them, something that I thought was vital,
I’d probably write them a list of instructions, or at least divinely inspire a bible.
It would be hard to decide what to tell them, though, since the book could be only so long,
I’d want them to know there was purpose, and to know the right path from the wrong.
And I’d stress over what I’d include there, and I’d stress over what to omit,
After all there’s a lot more to say than the space of one single book would permit.
See, I’d want to impart on them knowledge, and show them the value of peace,
And I’d probably want to include something in it, about the nature of germs and disease.
Should I remind them not to rape women? Or not to make people work without pay?
Should I tell them they can’t beat their children? Or beat off more than four times a day?
Should I explain that the sun’s in the center? Or the value of washing with soap?
Should I explain in unmistakable terms that there’s always a reason to hope?
Well, according to god the most wise course of action, is to leave out all of those things,
And make sure there’s plenty of space that’s left over, for a long list of Israel’s kings.
But I guess that’s why I don’t write bibles, and am just some anonymous tit,
And he’s the all-knowing creator of all, and the alpha, omega and shit.
If you read my book you’d know to be thoughtful, and to let people love who they choose,
But I’d fuck up and leave out important details, like who led the sixth century BCE jews.
I’d have skipped all the stuff about Solomon, and the temple he built for the Lord,
And instead I’ve had told them how telescopes work and what wonders they might point them toward.
I’d have droned on and on about hygiene, wasted time on nutritional facts,
And forgotten to mention who was leading the Jews when the Philistine army attacks.
I’d have pissed away pages on problems they would face as their populace grows,
And I’d have probably put is some stuff I can’t fathom that only a deity knows.
I’d have wasted a couple of chapters on the equality of genders and races,
And I’d have forgotten to smite them and punish their children for pillar and poles in high places.
I suppose that if I were to write it, you’d have questions at the end of the tome.
Like, “How long did it take for the third king of Israel to finish building his solid gold home?”
So I’ll submit that as I’m just a mortal, I can’t fathom a deity’s ways,
But from my perspective it’s fair to conclude that he sure writes in mysterious phrase.
Babble (One Kings)
One Kings; because god knows that you can never get enough mythologized Jewish history. This book babbles endlessly about a series of Israel’s kings as though it’s daring you to keep reading.
And I think the singular is pronounced “king”.
So joining Heath and me to celebrate being one sixth of the way through this book is my beautiful wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back.
Always happy to be here.
The books are pretty linear at this point, so no need to set anything up; this basically starts right where Two Samuel ends.
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Now King David is old and sick and we have to decide who gets to be the next king.
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But before we get to all that, we have to tell you about the king’s new hooker, who he wasn’t fucking.
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No, she was just keeping him warm.
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“She wasn’t jerking me off! She was trying to start a fire with my cock.”
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Yeah, King David was cold so his doctor prescribed a new virgin. And also Solomon became king and his bro Adonijah was more than a little pissed about it.”
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The talent pool in the desert must have been running dry, considering the most attractive woman in the land is named “Abishag the Shunammite” . . . Sounds more like an orc general from Lord of the Rings.
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Then we get this touching bit where David takes Solomon aside and offers his final words. And it’s basically a list of people he wants Solomon to kill.
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Including Shimei, the dude that David promised not to kill in the previous chapter. He says, “All I said was I wouldn’t kill him. I never said anything about you, or other hired assassins. That wasn’t in the contract.”
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And then Adonijah says, “Hey bro, since you got the whole kingdom and everything, you think I could have dad’s new hooker?” Solomon says “no” and then kills him for asking.
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And then Solomon proves he’s wise by threatening to cut a baby in half.
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This is actually a pretty fucked up story. Two women are accusing each other of killing their baby and swapping him out for a living one, which is fucked up enough before David starts threatening to split the baby down the middle.
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So naturally the real mom says, “No, don’t chop the baby in half you fucking psycho!” but the other lady says, “Yeah, that makes sense. I’ll take half a baby. It’s enough for a stew.”
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And this is Solomon’s tagline moment . . . His “Yippie Ki-Yay Mother Truckers!” His defining biblical event is an episode of Judge Judah, when he settles a maternity dispute between a murderous whore and a regular whore. Also, since when are single mother whores trying to keep their babies?!? I guess the name Johnson had to start somewhere.
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And then chapter 4 is basically a list of Solomon’s cabinet, a list of what he eats and a list of people he was smarter than.
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They make very sure to mention that he spake 3000 proverbs, and wrote one thousand … five … songs … Which is clearly bullshit. Those are the most obviously “made-up numbers” I’ve ever heard. There’s no way he hits EXACTLY 3000 proverbs and EXACTLY 1000 songs, but can’t resist writing 5 extra jingles.
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And then Solomon gets the wheels turning on his new temple. And let me tell ya it’s gonna be one bitchin’ ass temple.
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And in case you were wondering, say, how many cubits wide the nave was or how many sides the door posts have, it’s all spelled out in chapter six.
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Yeah, and god has the same interior design sense as Jay-Z apparently.
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HaShemTV Cribs . . . Sons of Joshua Cribs
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And then we get all the important details about Solomon’s palace, including the latticework, the dishes, candle snuffers and spittoons. Really important shit going on here.
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“I know I’m just a slave laborer helping you build a palace, but do you guys think it’s the best idea to put all the gold, and the god box, all in one place?!? I think we’re overdoing it a little. I’m literally carrying a single basket of golden eggs.”
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And then he has a house party…
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And for all his help building the temple and shit, Solomon gives Hiram 20 cities, but apparently they were his 20 crappiest cities.
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This book of the bible is like a first date with a rich douche. Every few sentences we’re hearing about Solomon’s throne or his golden vessels or his fleets or his platinum butt plug.
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I think we call this a … ‘teachable moment’ … Jews should only put the rarest of metals in their palace, and in their ass. “But hold on – Stop making golden calves. You guys always go straight to that!”
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And in chapter 10 I’m pretty sure it brags about him fucking the Queen of Sheba, too.
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I believe it said he gave her everything she desired, and a taste of the royal bounty on top. So I’m pretty sure they fucked, and it sounds like they even got a milk and honey shot in there.
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And in case you were wondering what kind of mileage he’s getting with that dick of his, Chapter 11 actually starts with the words, “Solomon loved many foreign women” and went on to describe his harem of more than a thousand wives..
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This guy spread more STDs to minorities than the Tuskeegee Experiments.
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And if I’ve learned anything from this book, when vaginas show up, trouble can’t be far behind. So, of course, his wives talk him into turning against god and offering burnt offerings to other gods so real god concoct this convoluted, multi-generational revenge plot.
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So Solomon dies and his son Rehoboam takes over. The people come to their new king saying, “Hey, it would be awesome if you stopped whipping us.” And Rehoboam endeared himself to the people by saying, “You don’t like the whips? No more whips. We’ll use scorpions instead.”
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And then the kingdom was divided because god likes to go over his shoulder to scratch his ass.
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And they open 2 Mooby Burgers.
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So you’ve got Jeroboam who god gives a chunk of the kingdom to and he’s an asshole, too. He starts making non-Levite priests so god sends a prophet to tell Jeroboam that the shit’s about to hit the fan.
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And then god kills the prophet with a fucking lion for eating food and drinking water.
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Falls for the oldest trick in the book. Some guy walks up to him: “Are you a prophet from God? Get the fuck out of here – me too!!! Let’s go eat. Oh you have a note from God that says don’t eat. This is so crazy. I have a note. Also from God. Says that you should disregard your note and go eat with me, after which you will definitely NOT be mauled by a tiger.”
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So basically you’ve got Jeroboam running Israel into the ground and at the same time you’ve got Rehoboam fucking things up in Judah.
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Yeah, apparently they were making high places, pillars and sacred poles. And if that’s not bad enough (and it is), their temple prostitutes were the wrong gender.
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Bunch of savages in this town.
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Man-whores just aren’t cost effective . . . from an orifice perspective. Less bang for your buck . . . despite more “schmekel per shekel”.
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And is it just me or is this book pissed off at you for reading it? It keeps saying stuff like “And are not the acts of Abijam, are they not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?”
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Are you telling me the Gideons expect me to just guess what else happened to Abijam?!? I’m sitting here in my hotel room like an idiot … trying to get the whole story on this Judaism stuff.
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And during this unending war between Israel and Judah the Israelis get some practice walling off territories and that’ll come in handy later.
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And then we just start churning through one king after the other. King so and so reigned for so many years and did evil by the lord greater than all the kings before him and then he died, ad infinitum
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And then we finally meet Elijah, who god is pawning around during a drought. And he’s pretty badass. He has birds that feed him and magic jars of food and he even brings kids back from the dead by rubbing his genitals against them.
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Right … three dick rubs resurrects a dead baby. They don’t mention this, but if you do it right, that will also get you to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. I learned that the hard way.
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So Elijah shows up all Charles Bronsony and decides to prove that god is god by challenging the prophets of Baal to a divine Ox-burning contest, in which he kicks ass.
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And then to emphasize how total his victory is, he kills all the prophets of Baal.
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Then Elijah flees like a pansy and god commands him to anoint a few new kings.
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And in a lost “who’s on first base” opportunity, Elijah meets Elisha
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Then there’s some boring war shit and one king attacks another king… fuck, I don’t even know anymore. All I know is somebody didn’t kill the person god told him to kill so god gets all pissy.
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And we learn this from a bizarre story involving a masochistic prophet and a divine lion attack.
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Then Ahab wants Naboth’s vineyard, but he won’t sell it. So Ahab’s wife arranges to have him stoned to death.
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God hears about this and gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell Ahab he’s fucked and dogs are gonna eat his wife.
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But Ahab fasts and wears a sack around so god says, “shucks, I guess I don’t have to kill you and have dogs eat your wife. I suppose we can save that punishment for your kids.”
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And then it ends with this long, pointless story about Jehoshaphat and the King of Israel want to go to war with Ramoth-Gilead and all but one of the prophets say they’ll win, but one prophet says the other prophets are full of shit… and they were.
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And the king gets killed in battle and, just as god had decreed, dogs lapped up his blood and, and in an understated twist, prostitutes bathed in it.
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Yeah I’m confused by all the whore talk. Why would there be prostitutes … when they had slaves? Slave is the world’s oldest profession. That’s like buying CDs on Napster.
So I suppose the real mystery of One Kings is how the fuck they managed to finance the sequel. We’ll find that out in three weeks and in the meantime, we’ll be washing our brains out with soap. Heath, Lucinda, thanks for sticking with it.
Outro
Before we ring the final bell tonight, I wanted to make a quick correction. We covered a story last week about public prayer booths in Kansas City and it was almost completely bullshit. Sorry about that. Another fail in our story-vetting process. We’ll try to tighten that up and in the meantime I want to thank all the astute listeners who clued us in on that.
I also wanted to let everyone know that the nomination phase has started for the 2nd annual Stitcher Awards. Heath, Lucinda and I really, really, really want to win one and we need your help. You can nominate us up to once per day in as many categories as you think are appropriate. So if you have a few minutes and you’re feeling generous this holiday season, please head over to Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com and nominate the shit out of us. Daily. I’m not too proud to beg. You’ll also find links to the nomination page on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page because, like I said, I’m not too proud to beg.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with a visit from the Friendly Atheist himself, Hemant Mehta so get excited about that. But if you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out episode 33 of The Herd Mentality Podcast with Adam Reakes, where you can hear my impression of Joel O’Steen orgasming to death on an 8 horsepower, turbocharged, solid gold butt plug.
http://herdmentalitypodcast.com/
I need to thank Heath for keeping it real, Lucinda for putting up with the two of us, I want to thank everyone who did some Holiday shopping on our Cafe Press site and, of course, a huge thanks to Evan Bernstein from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. He’s one fifth of my all-time favorite podcast, really cool of him to do it and of course, you’ll find a link to his show on this week’s shownotes, right next to the link to nominate us for a Stitcher Award.
http://www.theskepticsguide.org/
But most of all I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans, Wayne, Debbie and Vinnie; Wayne, whose ejaculations have seismological designations; and Debbie and Vinnie, whose altruism and advice deserves less of a one liner and more of a very genuine thanks on behalf of both my wife and myself for reminding us that generally speaking, humans are awesome.
And since I already hit you up for a Stitcher nomination half a dozen times, I’m not gonna bother reminding you that if you’d like to support the show financially you’ll find the donation button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
The Scathing Atheist 