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Episode 48 Partial Transcript

January 16, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, so if you don’t like words like first, second, third or fourteenth, or if you don’t like hearing grown men talk about pushing pencils into asteroids while jamming cockroaches with toast all over their scrolls, this isn’t the podcast for you.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by “Life After Death Row Records”, the premier West Bank Hip-Hop Label with superstars like Dr. Dreidle, Members of the Tribe Called Quest, and Jew-Pac Shakur.  You may also know them from their legendary bloody rivalry with Middle-East Coast label Bad Goy Records and their star, Notorious B.I.Jihad.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s January 16th

And this is the “One Year Anniversary Show”.  Godless lap of the sun complete.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from eugenically challenged New York, New York,

And just everything-else challenged Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • A columnist in Tennessee says women should be more rape-friendly,

  • A female math teacher in Alabama agrees,

  • And we’ll breast milk one more gag out of the headlines.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I got a scathing comment on the blog the other day that’s almost too stupid to respond to.  The commenter in question was all over the map with their critique and so much of it was contradictory that I almost wrote it off as a troll.  He said I was too vulgar and shouldn’t insult people and said that I did so because I was a (quote) “fucking idiot”.  He faulted me for hiding behind a microphone with no way for people to criticize what I say… on the forum that I maintain for people to criticize what I say.  He said that I was coward because I was unwilling to pretend that I was a Christian to get along with people.

And that’s all too stupid to respond to.  But hidden in this morass of internal-inconsistency and self-congratulatory blathering was one point that deserves a response.  And not because this asshole took time off from ejaculating into Fruity Pebbles to pound it into his keyboard, but rather because I’ve heard it from a lot of rational people as well.  In fact, it might be the most common critique levelled against the atheist movement by other atheists.

The argument basically says that if atheists were ever successful in eradicating religion it would just be replaced by some other religion or some equally irrational quasi-religious substitute.  I’m sure you hear this one a lot.  Hell, it was the crux of the South Park episode about atheism where all the future people were running around saying “Science damn it” and fighting wars based on scientific schisms.

And I’d love to say that this point is also too stupid to refute and it should be, but it’s just too common to brush aside.

Now, there are a lot of reasons why a fully functioning brain should disregard this.  The first is that it’s just an assumption offered without evidence.  The fact that religion has always been a part of the world is irrelevant when you consider the vast difference in communication and education that differentiates the modern world from every previous iteration of human culture.  Sure, religion has always been a part of human society.  Two hundred years ago it could be said about slavery or the political disenfranchisement of women.  Hell, not only could it been said about those things, it was said.  It was offered as a critique against people fighting to eliminate those practices.

So problem number one; there’s no compelling evidence to support the point.  Problem number two, of course, is that there’s plenty of evidence against it.  If the assertion that religion was an inevitable consequence of breathing were true, it would be mathematically impossible to see a rise in atheism.  How the hell could atheism be on the rise if lack of religion caused religion?  So sure, the supporter of this defeatist attitude can claim there’s some magical limit to the percentage of a populace that can be rational when it comes to religion, but then it becomes a god of the gaps argument where that percentage is perpetually retreating.

So there’s the “cause I said so” problem and the “horse will never replace the car” problem, but even if you can argue your way out of all that, it still doesn’t matter.  Even if the chicken-littles are actually Cassandras and they’re 100% correct, it still wouldn’t matter.  It still wouldn’t be a reason to give up.

All the best fights are unwinnable.  I seriously doubt we’ll ever rid the world of hunger, disease, sexism, racism, poverty or “that’s what she said” jokes, but that doesn’t make fighting against them pointless.  Should we give up trying to cure AIDS?  After all, if you do people will just die of something else.  Should we give up fighting for civil rights because there will always be racists?

I can’t speak for the atheist movement as a whole, of course, but my personal goals have nothing to do with “eradicating” religion even though I think that probably is an attainable goal.  My goal is to marginalize it.  To leave its societal influence on par with bigfoot hunters and chemtrail nuts.  And even if that’s unattainable, it’s worth the fight because every step in that direction has its own benefits.  You don’t have to go all the way to justify the journey.  I’m pretty sure that’s why it’s called a movement.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight, is that guy Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to be that guy?

OK yes … Right before we started I did say something that could have sounded like support for George Zimmerman.  But that doesn’t mean I think that black people shouldn’t be allowed to kill Latinos too.  Somebody has to say these things.  

I’m not sure that somebody does… Anyway, in our lead story tonight, former 7th day adventist pastor Ryan Bell made ripples two weeks ago when he announced that he would be re-examining his faith by living for a year as an atheist, sort of.  Atheists initially responded by pointing out that was well intentioned, but stupid, since the only prerequisite and, in fact, the only feature of atheism is not believing in god and since he wasn’t doing that, it was largely an exercise in celibate masturbation.

And the headline reads: “Unholy Sacra-Mental Masturbation: Christian Pastor converts to atheism, finds out he gives better hand jobs than kids, with their sticky little fingers, all over my five- (trailing off after interruption) thousand dollar robes…”

In defense of those kids, their fingers were gonna end sticky one way or the other.

But trying out atheism?  A test drive? … Not sure if that’s how it works.  That’s like a white person trying out being black for a year, by dancing better.

Exactly.  But as inconsequential as his pledge to forego church and read some Dawkins seemed to atheists, it sure as hell seemed consequential to the people who had the power to power to make it so; his employer.  Four days after embarking on this minimalist attempt to look at the god question from multiple perspectives, he was fired from his position as an adjunct professor at Azusa Pacific University and Fuller Theological Seminary.  Because the last thing you want is professors with broadened points of view.

Well if you want a job at a real university, “Fired from Azusa Pacific University and Fuller Theological Seminary” is a good bullet point for the resume.  So is “Recovering Christian – Four Days Sober”.

After initially criticizing his methodology, friend of the show Hemant Mehta took action by setting up a fund to help the recently unemployed mythologist, raising over $16,000 in 24 hours to help him transition to secular employment.  A fact that, of course, I’d loved to have last month, when I still could have mentioned to Hemant that I, too, am unemployed and living as an atheist this year.

Pastor vows to “try atheism for a year”.  Congregants vow to fire his ass: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/07/ryan-bell-donations-atheist_n_4551225.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

And in “Jesus Saved by the Bell” news, recently-fired Alabama math teacher and statutory rapist Alicia Gray, ended up being less guilty, after finding Jesus just in time for sentencing, and will receive a punishment of five years probation.  Unfortunately for the so-called rape victim, God kept his son Jesus inexplicably well-hidden during the weeks right before the raping incident.

Biblical law gets all fucked up when it’s a woman raping a man.  I think the kid’s dad owes himself 50 shekels.

Here’s a statement from the former teacher: (quote) “I’m thankful because without [God] picking me up and making me realize that I was in a very dark place, I don’t know what could’ve happened.”  

…oh, well in that case…

So God was up there watching this all unfold, and saw her about to play AmTrak with the JV Lacrosse Team, at which point he stepped in and derailed the train.  But he still let her fuck the backup goalie as a consolation, to illustrate the important point, that the Bible defines rape as something between ONE man and ONE woman.  

I bet we could sell a few “Support Traditional Rape” bumper stickers.

The real issue here – that nobody seems to be talking about – is whether or not Ms. ‘Shades of Gray’ is physically attractive.  And she clearly IS attractive.  So case dismissed.  I’m sorry, but the 14-year-old with the hot math teacher, who literally experienced his wet dream from the night before, is clearly not the “victim” of anything.  Bottom line: It’s nearly impossible to rape a 14-year-old boy – which is something the church already learned the hard way.  

Alabama teacher rapist repents: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/14/teacher-who-raped-one-of-her-students-before-heading-to-jail-says-that-jesus-has-saved-her/

And in “Empirical v. Satirical” news tonight, popular science personality and guy who normally makes better decisions than this Bill Nye has agreed to a debate with Australian national embarrassment Ken Ham on the topic of whether or not the universe was prestidigitated into being by an invisible, omnipotent clairvoyant sorcerer.

Yeah I saw the grudge match poster.  Ken Ham looks like the missing link to Amish Wolverine.  He looks like the filthy primate precursor that evolved into Amish Wolverine … Doesn’t help his case for Genesis.

With Ken Ham representing Intelligent Design and Bill Nye representing intelligence, the debate promises to be both meaningless and stupid; as the opposition and audience are entirely made up of people dumb enough to occasionally wipe the wrong orifice after a shit.  The debate will take place at the Kentucky Creationism Museum assuming the museum can stave off bankruptcy for another three weeks.

And if you have trouble choosing a wipe spot, I’m sure sometimes they must wipe the right orifice, and then the wrong orifice.  Which is the worst way to mess that up, I’ve heard.  Don’t second guess yourself, and go ass to mouth …

That would be a great “The More You Know” commercial.   

This is rumored to be the first in a series of Bill Nye debates, including a debate with Jenny McCarthy about how many hydrogen atoms are in a water molecule and a debate with Boo Radley on the proposition “Ungh….”

Bill Nye to debate Ken Ham at Creationist Museum: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/01/02/creation-museum-says-science-guy-bill-nye-will-visit-in-february-to-debate/

And in “Single-Breasted Soup” news, Catholicism’s highest ranked creepy old man-virgin attempted to see his third live booby, by announcing to 32 new moms at a Sistine Chapel baptism, that breast feeding is acceptable in public, including church.    

Reports indicate that nobody whipped out their tits at that point, but if a few of the moms did, I wonder where the monologue would have gone from there.  I can see Pope Franatomically Correct freeballing some revisions to public masturbation laws, maybe rescinding the rule against anal intercourse with vegetables…

There’s a Veggie Tails joke in there somewhere … Thinking quickly to avoid a repeat gaff, the Pope made sure to specify he was referring to nipple and milk, after suggesting that Catholic children should suck on erectile tissue and swallow the white liquid that comes out.  The upshot: Italian atheist kidnappers are sure to appreciate the new emphasis on “milk-fed human veal”.    

And I’m as sick of saying it as our audience is of hearing it, I’m sure, but how the fuck isn’t the headline on this one “While continuing to not actually do anything to change his crooked, money-laundering, child-raping, poverty-insuring cabal, Pope expresses sentiment that would have been progressive 150 years ago”?  Next thing you know he’ll be supporting the germ theory of disease and heliocentrism.

This seems like a new theme for Pope Frammogram, who made a statement last month to an Italian newspaper, in which he made a connection between breastfeeding and global hunger.  So ladies: If you see a homeless dude on the street, eating a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch … DRY, have some compassion.  Whip out a nip, and let the guy latch on for a minute.

Pope Okays Boobs in Church: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/13/pope-tells-moms-its-ok-to-breastfeed-in-church/

And in “Time Magazine’s child-rape harborer of the year” news tonight, the Vatican offered a subtle reminder that in addition to hugging lepers, extolling humane economic policies and admitting publicly that tits aren’t evil, the media-darling pontiff also continues to actively impede efforts to bring serial pedophiles to justice.

That must be exhausting.  He’s like the street magician with the ball and cups trick, and you can never manage to follow the red rapist ball.  Where he stops, nobody knows.  Actually, I guess it’s more like Three Card Monty, and you can’t seem to follow the queen.      

You might recall Archbishop Josef Wesolowski from episode 30 of this program, or, if you were an underage Catholic that lived in Poland, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Denmark or the Dominican Republic in the last four decades, you might recall him from forcing you to lick his balls while he was beating off to pictures of unconscious sheep.  Several months ago the villainous bastard was abruptly removed from his diplomatic post in the DR when rumors of a sexual abuse investigations started swirling.

Unfortunately for the slutty archbishop and his victims, they had to learn the hard way that diplomatic immunity doesn’t prevent AIDS.  

AIDS and the fiery vengeance of Sergeant Murtaugh, useless against both.  Anyway, under pressure from the Polish government to extradite the Carmen Sandiego of child fuckers, the Vatican response could only have been more evil if they’d written with the blood of crippled kittens.  When asked about Wesolowski’s legal status as part of an ongoing investigation in that country, Vatican spokesman Frederico Lombardi said that the Vatican does not, under any circumstances, extradite its citizens; that as a Vatican ambassador he had diplomatic immunity and what’s more, fucking children wasn’t illegal under Vatican law until last year, so any kids he fucked in other countries while a citizen of Vatican City would have been legal anyway.

After all these years, Carmen Sandiego of Child Fuckers is still one of Vatican City’s top rated shows?  Weird.  Didn’t think it would play well as a reality show.  

Which, of course, begs for 30 seconds on the clock… “Educational Programming on Vatican Public Broadcasting”.  Go!

BJ and the Bear is pretty gay already … Bear in Stained Bears?  Bear in Stained Twinks?

Undress-a-me Street?

How do you get there again?  Take the Hershey Highway? Altar Boy Meets World?

The Big Comfy Crouch

Bleeding Rainbow?

Where in Carmen Sandiego is Archbishop Josef Wesolowski?  It’s a recent debut.

What about Rick Santorum’s favorite show: The Magic Stool Pus

School House Cocks

3-2-1 Inappropriate Contact

Doc McStuff-It-Ins

Vatican refuses to extradite serial pedophile: http://bigstory.ap.org/article/vatican-polish-prosecutor-we-dont-extradite

And in “Women’s Suffrage should be more like it sounds” news, paternalistic Christian asshole Mark Atkins followed up his 2013 op/ed piece about the ‘homosexual disorder’, with a message for the festering masses of radically liberal feminists in the Tri-Cities region of Northeast Tennessee and Southwest Virginia that read the Kingsport Times News … The basic gist of his message: If women are allowed to make choices about sex, it really complicates things for men.

Yeah, in 15 short paragraphs, this crusty fuck-flake defends slut-shaming, gay-bashing, male dominionism and virginity tests; while also managing to equate gay marriage with both pedophilia and naziism.  This guy is like the Wal-Mart of bigotry… which is impressive because before that Wal-Mart was the Wal-Mart of bigotry.

Atkins writes (quote) “If  liberals and feminists] did indeed care about women, they would preach the Christian virtues of feminine modesty, chastity, and fidelity, and not sexual liberation” (end quote) . . . Let me try to wade through the bullshit, and focus on his underlying thesis.  Basically he’s saying: “Listen up you liberated bitches!  On behalf of Christian misogynists everywhere: If you don’t act like obedient uterus housing – like it says right here in the manual – we’re not gonna want to marry, own, and rape you … as much.”

The arrogance here is probably award-worthy.  The core argument this sphincter-scarring turd kernel is presenting is literally, “If you aren’t careful, I won’t want to fuck you.”  That’s it.

He goes on to add that when women start making sexual decisions, it produces (quote) “Self-loathing, STD’s, abortion, broken homes, and men’s contempt.  Freedom of a sort but hardly fulfilling” (end quote) . . . So yeah the consensual thing is nice.  I guess that’s technically a freedom, but are you really fulfilled at the end of the day?  Especially knowing how much contempt Christian men have … for consensual sex.  

Or just consent in general.

Feminism causes AIDS: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/14/tennessee-newspaper-op-ed-piece-says-sexual-liberation-leads-to-abortion-broken-homes-and-mens-contempt/

And finally tonight, from the “But it still tastes better than the bullshit he usually feeds us” file, South African Pastor Lesego Daniel has added “Turning the faithful into ruminants” to the already impressively long list of things Jesus can’t do.  Under the guise of demonstrating the powers of the Holy Spirit, Daniel encouraged his congregants to eat grass… because he apparently didn’t think atheists had enough ammunition for the sheep jokes.

He must not have heard about the Polish archbishop getting rim jobs from little kids, whilst jerking off to catatonic sheep photos.  Or maybe he just didn’t see the humor potential.  So he also went on to use the bloating caused by eating grass, to perform a bullshit demon-baby exorcism abortion, that ends in a fart joke.  This guy knows how to craft a Scathing Atheist headline.   

That he does.  According to a report in “African Spotlight”, while his congregants were lying in the church lawn grazing, he stepped on them and explained that the experience was bringing them closer to god.  One faithful lawn-licking turf-muncher was quoted as saying “Sure, it’s less healthy than divine Jesus crackers, but honestly, is it any less insane?”

The grass is always greener, on the other side of apartheid?  At least I didn’t say: “Above Mandela’s grave.”

South African pastor tells his congregation to eat grass: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/11/south-african-pastor-orders-his-congregation-to-eat-grass-terminates-demonic-pregnancy/

And on that disturbing thought, we’ll close headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara Bitches!

And when we return Lucinda will join us to talk about mythological hookers.

Calendar:

It’s time for the long overdue atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the monthly few minutes we set aside to discuss all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events coming up around the country and around the world.

This being our first calendar segment of the year, I figured we’d highlight a couple of the biggest annual conventions coming up.  And if you forgot to make a News Years Resolution or you’ve already broken it, I suggest that you resolve to make it to at least one atheist event this year.  If you’ve never been to one before you really owe it to yourself.

NECSS kicks off the season in NYC on April 11th and it’s a packed slate already.  Lawrence Krauss will be the keynote speaker and that’s probably worth the admission right there, but you’ve also got the SGU team on hand for a live recording, plus the usual suspects and a lot of big names yet to come.

http://necss.org/

Same weekend, other side of the pond, friend of the show Andy Wilson will be getting together with the rest of the Merseyside Skeptics for QED in Manchester.  Sanal Edamaruku will be speaking there and damn what a story he has to tell.  Richard Wiseman will also be there with a host of other great speakers.

https://qedcon.org/

But if I can only make it to one this year, it’ll be on the following weekend in Salt Lake-a City, Utah.  That’s right, the American Atheist Annual Convention is right around the corner on April 17th to the 20th.  Greta Christina, Matt Dillahunty, PZ Myers, JT Eberhard, and former Vikings punter and current atheist sensation Chris Kluwe is also gonna be there which should be pretty cool.  We’ll talk more about this one as it gets closer.

http://www.atheists.org/convention2014

For our Canadian listeners, May 16th to the 18th sees the fourth annual “Imagine No Religion” conference in Kamloops, BC.  Eugenie Scott, Seth Andrews, Dan Barker, Jerry Coyne, Jerry DeWitt, Hemant Mehta, Darrel Ray… yeah, if anything could compete with the speaker list at the American Atheist conference, that’s it, right?

http://imaginenoreligion.ca/

And finally The Amazing Meeting is scheduled for the 11th to the 14th of July in Sin City.  Susan Jacoby’s gonna be there; George Hrab is gonna be there; along with Peter Boghossian, the aforementioned Jerry Coyne, the also aforementioned Sanal Edamaruku, the unaforementioned Michael Shermer and a bunch more.  Should be amazing because there’s no way skeptics would let them get away with the name “The Amazing Meeting” if it wasn’t.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

There are a few other events that probably belong in the list, but in my opinion those are the big five and you’ll find links to all of their homepages on the shownotes for this episode.  There are a ton of other events going on this year and we’ll be doing our best to keep you up to speed on them.  If you’re involved with an event that could use a free plug, let me know.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Bible Story:

(Run grab the young ‘uns folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!)

Today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Joshua and meet one of the bible’s most famous prostitutes, Rahab.

Rahab lived in the walled city of Jericho and made her living ejaculating weary travelers.  Mostly vaginal, but occasional hand-jobs and oral.  No butt stuff, though, because Rahab was classy.

And sometimes, when people were done having sex with her for money, they would talk to her and tell her stories about their travels.  And it was through these stories that she started to hear about a powerful army of Jews that was marching through nearby lands.

Rahab was scared because people were saying that the army would attack Jericho and she’d also heard that when this army of Jews had attacked other towns, they killed all the men, all the women, all the children, all the babies, all the farm animals, all the puppies and all the kittens.

So one day some Jews showed up wanting somewhere moist to put their dicks.  And Rahab said, “Hey, are you part of that army that’s coming to massacre all my friends and family?” and they said, “Yeah, but don’t tell anyone.”

Rahab thought about it.  She would still have plenty of time to warn all the inhabitants of the city so that they could prepare for the attack, or at least grab whatever belongings they could carry and escape with their lives, but she decided it would be better to just worry about her and her family.  So she agreed not to tell anyone as long as they would promise not to kill her.  So the Jewish spies agreed not to kill anyone in her house and she agreed to hide them and probably fuck them, too.

Many days later the army showed up so Rahab got a few of her close friends and family and hid in her house while the Jews attacked them with spears, swords and magical trumpets.  And while she hid safe in her home, they killed all the men and once they were taken care of they raped and murdered all the women.  And then they killed all the children.  And then they killed all the babies.  And then they killed all the animals.  And then they burned the city to the ground.  And everyone except Rahab and the people in her house were left bleeding on the streets as their corpses were consumed by the fires of sectarian vengeance.

So the moral of the story is that hiding in your home and trading the lives of thousands to save yourself and a soccer team’s worth of your closest friends while innocent people are mercilessly exterminated is heroic.  And that when you meet some spies that are coming to kill you, you can survive, but just to be safe, you should probably swallow.

Outro:

Before we cue the fat lady tonight I wanted to let everyone know that we’ve got an hour long special episode coming up in a couple of weeks.  We’re putting together a bit of a retrospective to celebrate 50 episodes so if you have a favorite skit, a favorite headline, a favorite guest or just a favorite moment from our first 48 episodes, email us and let us know.  Heath and I are already hard at work putting together a few montages and mash-ups, but we’d love your help selecting the highlights.

I also wanted to remind everyone that if we don’t get enough 5 star reviews on iTunes every week, Tinker Bell dies so keep those reviews coming.

Of course, I need to thank Heath for 364 days of hard work and hilarity.  I need to thank Lucinda for knocking the bible story out of the park once again.  I also need to toss out a big thanks to admirable atheist and legendary Twitter rationalist Mr. Oz Atheist for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s one of the 4 must follow atheist Twitter accounts and if you prefer your atheism longform you can find his blog at Mr Oz Atheist (dot) Blogspot (dot) com.  You’ll find links to both his Twitter account and his blog on the shownotes for this episode and I highly recommend following both.

http://mrozatheist.blogspot.com/

 https://twitter.com/MrOzAtheist

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s quintessential examples of humanity; Kerry, Mathew with one T, Duncan, Max, Andrew, Kenny, Laura, Colin, Matthew with two Ts, Ryan, Wayne, Thomas, Tim, Karen and Lucia.  Kerry, Mathew and Duncan, whose brilliance is overshadowed only by large objects moving between them and the primary light source; Max Andrew and Kenny, the only three high-school graduates ever voted “most likely to avert a natural disaster with their mammoth genitals”; Laura, Colin and Matthew, who are so genetically perfect their genomes are written in iambic pentameter; Ryan, Wayne and Thomas, who are able to spot bullshit cinematic abuses of scientific terms in under 12 parsecs; and Tim, Karen and Lucia, whose intellects collectively inspired the term “neuronal Olympian”.

These 15 paragons of plenary perfection have proved their perspicuity, prudence, pulchritude and prosperity this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the alliterative collection of plosive qualities necessary to donate to this show, but if you enjoy the show, have money and like being complimented, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but if you want more, there’s more.  I’ll be appearing on upcoming episodes of Cognitive Dissonance, the Imaginary Friends Show and the burgeoning podcast “Atheists On Air”.  We’ll have links to those shows on all our social media sites as soon as they’re available.  Between now and then, make sure you like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, check us out on Stitcher, tell three friends about the show and leave us a glowing review on iTunes.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 30 – Partial Transcript

September 12, 2013 10 comments

(note: Transcript may contain parts that were edited out of the final episode due to time restraints)

Sponsor

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of creationist-friendly grocery stores “Ray Comfort Foods”, where the vegetables are guaranteed to be divinely created in their present form, the canned goods are 100% abiogenesis free and there’s plenty of Jesus in our cheeses.

So shop at Ray Comfort Foods, because creationists do what they’re told.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s September 12th and it’s the 12th anniversary of Heath’s first 9-11 joke.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from sardonic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll be compassionate enough to cut the story with all the childrens’ cancer jokes

  • We’ll discover that there are levels of evil Pat Robertson can reach that would still surprise you,

  • And Christian homophobes create a Christian version of something that was Christian to begin with.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

I was twelve years old and my mom was talking to a couple of friends of hers about where they were when they learned that Kennedy got shot.  One of the friends admitted that she couldn’t actually recall where she was and that freaked my mom right the fuck out.  How could she not remember that moment?

Now, psychologists will tell you these so-called “flashpoint” memories are just as unreliable as most of our other memories, but I didn’t know that at the time and neither did my mom.  It was simply unthinkable in her mind that somebody could have forgotten that moment.  And that was simply unthinkable to me.  I couldn’t comprehend of an event so potent that you’d be surprised when somebody failed to recall it precisely a quarter of a century later.

And I continued to not comprehend that for another thirteen years.

It’s damn hard to say that there was a silver lining to 9/11.  I’ll have enough respect not to rank it on a scale of tragedy, but it was the most horrible example of humanity that I’ve ever had to witness.  The emotional reaction that so many of us shared that day can’t be explained rationally.  That colossal mix of anger, fear and impotence isn’t something I’d ever like to revisit.

But if there was a phoenix that rose from the ashes that day, it was the new-atheist movement.  The four horsemen all cite the 9/11 attacks as the impetus to their vocal opposition to religion.  Throughout the 90s we’d all been force fed the immutable dictum of cultural tolerance so faith was off limits.  Sure, there were still plenty of atheists and there were still plenty of people bitching about the evils of religion, but after 9/11 those people were suddenly on TV.  They were writing best sellers.  They were suddenly being listened to.  They had been right all along and it took a few airplanes crashing into a few buildings on live television for a lot of people to realize that.

Of course, references to 9/11 have fallen out of favor in the atheist movement.  It’s become fashionable to rise above that type of rhetoric.  I’ve seen a number of prominent atheists vehemently disavow the popular meme that reminds us that science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings, or the one that shows the twin towers standing stalwart above the words “Imagine no Religion”.

The platitude a la mode would tell us that the number of religious people who have flown airplanes into buildings is sufficiently eclipsed by the number of religious people who haven’t flown airplanes into buildings.  It would be too simplistic to say “religion did it”, wouldn’t it?  There were far more things contributing to the rationale of the suicide bombers on 9/11 than just the six dozen hotties they were about to deflower.  So you can’t blame religion, can you?

And there’s a lot there that I’ll agree with.  I’ll agree that the overwhelming majority of believers aren’t suicide bombers.  And I’ll agree that it’s more complex than “religion did it”.  And I’ll agree that there were other contributing factors.  And even granting all that, I’ll still blame the shit out of religion.

Here’s the thing: convincing somebody to blow their self up is trickier than you think.  Without divulging any of the details of why I know that, consider the most gullible person you know and ask yourself if you think you could convince them that blowing their self up would earn them a trip to a virgin-laden paradise.  Tough, huh?  Now imagine you had to do it without using religion.

No one person can do that.  It would take indoctrination from birth.  It would take total control of what the victim learned, what they read, what they watched.  It would take institutions to make somebody believe anything so patently counterintuitive.

And it just so happens that we have institutions that were designed for exactly that purpose.  Modern day religious apologists are fond of telling us that the religion of today is nothing like the barbaric faith at it’s roots and that’s true to a certain extent in certain parts of the world at certain times, but that doesn’t change the fact that the vehicle they’re driving was designed to make people do what they were told to do, even, nay especially, when it went against their own best interest.

If you take out the poverty or the nationalism or the charismatic recruiter, you could still get probably round up 19 guys willing to kill in the name of god.  But if you take out the god your task becomes damn near impossible.

So call it hyperbolic if you want.  I say if there was any lesson we could extract from that tragedy it’s that religious zealotry isn’t something we can afford to tolerate.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is cleverly introduced Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to participate in pre-headline banter?

Witty response, Noah.

Laughter, fading to witty retort, Heath.

Laughter indeed, Noah.  I think I’ll exercise my optional additional witty rebuttal here, at which point you’ll probably add a rejoinde-

Rejoinder ending in half-ass segue.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has recalled its ambassador to the Dominican Republic amid allegations of being a naughty, naughty nuncio.  Archbishop Josef Wesolowski was yanked off his post for getting his post yanked off and then winding up in the yankee post.

“Pope Franky Cranky About Wesolowski Lanky Crank Yanky Spanky Hanky Panky”  

Surprised you didn’t get “skanky” in there.  Rumors of the archbishop’s frisky business first arose in the Dominican press a few weeks ago and the ambassador was whisked away before you could say “official investigation”… or at least, before Dominican Attorney General Francisco Dominguez Brito could say “official investigation”.

We atheist podcasters could be foiled so easily, by clergy just not raping kids.  We’d lose a big chunk of material there . . .

So if the intrinsic value of not raping kids isn’t enough, they should consider the strategic value.  And as much as it would hurt our stellar ratings, I’d give away all this fame and podcast fortune,

if the church dialed down the rape even just a little.  

Sounds fair to me.  But instead, in yet another concerted effort to undercut their own “we-really-mean-it-this-time” charade, the Vatican has moved quickly and decisively to protect an Archbishop from prosecution for sex crimes AGAIN.  With the ink on his new “get tough on child rapists” legislation still drying, Pope Sweet Frans-vestite winds up in the delicate position of explaining that when he said “get tough” he didn’t mean tough as in “subject to the same minimal legal standards as the rest of the world”.

When a senior official of an institution is caught covering up decades of child rape, there IS a classy way to handle it.  And I think Joe Paterno showed us that classy way . . . And in case that was too subtle . . . I’m saying take a cue from Joe Pa and go die quickly.

Wesolowski, who was nomadic even for a child-raping Catholic official, had previously served in Africa, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and Denmark.  But I’m sure he only started fucking kids in the DR.

Yeah lots of people don’t develop those kid-rapey instincts until later in life.  Much like scotch, cock is an acquired taste.  Best to start with ten-year-olds, then maybe move your way up to twelve and fifteen.  Twenty-one isn’t worth the extra money.         

And I know that officially I’m supposed to call him “alleged child rapist” or whatever, but fuck that and fuck him.  The Vatican is going to make damn sure he’s only ever “alleged” child rapist so I’m gonna go ahead and call an unprecedented abrupt removal from a diplomatic post that exactly coincides with the opening of a sex-crimes investigation an admission of guilt and say this dude is a dirty child fucker.  And if he doesn’t like it, he can come and get me.  He’ll find me in a neutral nation with friendly extradition treaties with the Dominican Republic.

Do you think the court cases against these guys ever get settled by the victims raping them back.  Like a “brown eye for a brown eye” type of deal?

Vatican withdraws Dominican ambassador quick before he has to face charges of child sex abuse: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/catholic-church-relieves-its-ambassador-in-dominican-republic-amid-official-investigation/2013/09/04/8dd3e8e0-15c6-11e3-961c-f22d3aaf19ab_story.html

And in “Not all the stories can be as light hearted as that last one” news tonight, a Bangladeshi court has indicted four atheist bloggers on charges of not properly cupping Mohammed’s balls and saying things that hurt Allah’s feelings.  Because apparently Allah is a sissy god and can’t smite these dudes on his own.

Are there a lot of Bangladeshi citizens reading atheist blogs and Reddit posts all day, trying to really hash out their true feelings on the origins of the universe?  Is that what they do between state-mandated early morning Muslim prayer, and state-mandated later early morning Muslim prayer?

Despite the Vonnegutian nature of arresting people for insulting a fictional character, the (air quote) “assailants” are facing as much as 14 years in prison after at least one of them already faced a brutal assassination attempt.

If you get 14 years for epistemological whistle blowing, what’s the penalty for attempted brutal assassination?

The indictments you were asking for, apparently.

This is like if Edward Snowden found out the CIA was spending millions of tax dollars to track Santa Claus throughout the Arctic . . .

And also chasing Carmen Sandiego from Berlin down to Belize.  

I’d like to think we wouldn’t have jail time and water boards on the table in that situation.     

Before moving on to any more of the details, I’d just like to say that I make a lot of jokes about how backwards and fucked up the US judicial system is, but all things considered, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of ‘Murica and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under whoever the fuck I’ve gotta say to not spend 14 years in prison, so help us baby-Jesus, Amen.

The accused, whose names I won’t butcher out of respect, have already spent three months in prison and are currently free on bail after pleading not guilty.

Prosecution by the Ministry of Silly Walks would be far less ridiculous.

4 Bangladeshi Bloggers indicted for being atheist bloggers: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/bangladesh-court-indicts-4-bloggers-for-allegedly-posting-derogatory-comments-about-islam/2013/09/08/8b05423c-1876-11e3-80ac-96205cacb45a_story.html?

And from the “It turns out there actually were worse things we could’ve done in Rwanda than nothing” file tonight, blathering idiot and perpetual first runner up in the crypt-keeper lookalike competition Pat Robertson is working hard to remind everyone that he’s not just a crazy, ranting, superstitious, senile old bigot; he’s also evil.

First place must have gone to Lisa Robin Kelly from “That 70’s Show”?

Well, …now.

But even slightly pre-mortem.  And for those listeners playing in celebrity death pool fantasy leagues, she was 43 years old, so that’s 57 points for the predictably departed meth enthusiast, in standard formats.  

And from celebrity death pool back to celebrity death-monger, a documentary titled “Mission Congo” recently premiered at the Toronto film festival and apparently it details how Pat Robertson used the suffering of the Rwandan people to perpetuate a scam almost as reprehensible as the whole Jesus thing.

It’s hard to tell who cured more cholera and dissentary in the refugee camps, because Doctors Without Borders was there at the same time as Pat Robertson’s preachers.  That’s lots of doctors and lots of bibles, so . . . who’s to say?  

According to filmmakers David Turner and Lara Zizic, it might be fewer bibles than you think.  Robertson consistently exaggerated, distorted and misrepresented the extent of his charity’s work in Rwanda and used these lies and deceptions to bring in hundreds of millions of dollars, a very small percent of which actually wound up helping anyone but Pat Robertson.

It’s about now I’d normally compare him to a Bond villain, or a Die Hard villain . . .

But Pat Robertson is SO MUCH WORSE, because he’s actually a real person doing this shit in reality.  He raised money from gullible rednecks in the American south, to finance bullshit humanitarian aid to Rwandan refugee camps, but actually diverted the planes to service his secret blood diamond company!!!  All he’s missing is a disfiguring scar, and conspicuous red doomsday button that says DO NOT PRESS.   

If anybody’s out there investing in “rapture button” technology…

And just to fit the bad guy stereotype perfectly, and get a three week timeshare on Secret Bad Guy Island, his covert African diamond mining company is owned through those “offshore accounts” they always use.  I never understood those.  Is the money hidden in the ocean?  Why does offshore mean we can’t find these banks?  Yes it’s offshore, but we all still know where Bermuda is.  

Robertson denies these allegations and if you can’t trust the guy who said last week that gay people in San Francisco have secret rings with AIDS needles so they can infect straight people when they shake their fucking hands, congratulations, your brain still works.

Obviously a hoax . . . And if Pat Robertson had ever been to San Francisco, he would know that real gay people in San Francisco don’t shake hands . . . they dick bump.  

Yeah but to be fair, the ring idea would work for that, too.

Pat Robertson accused of fraud: http://www.theguardian.com/film/2013/sep/05/mission-congo-pat-robertson-aid-rwanda

And protecting the rights of children to be stupid this week is the Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area who are fighting for the right of their children to be the most undereducated in the Florida public school system.

Muslims and Christians love to compete … I guess “Dumbest Kids in Florida” is a fitting battle for those two groups.  We’re really talking about “Dumbest Adults in Florida” aren’t we?  And that’s a competitive category.  This is a state that was governed for eight years by a guy named Jeb.  

This story revolves around a letter being circulated by said society that twists the shit out of Florida law to make schools think they’re under some obligation to let kids out of school whenever god tells them to.  Titled “Religious Observance Early Dismissal Request Form”, the letter misrepresents several laws in an effort to excuse Muslim kids from school at 12:30pm to pray during a special holiday… called Friday.

What are we even talking about?  How disruptive could it be for the three Muslim students in all of Florida to leave early on Friday?

And, as the group points out, education obviously isn’t as important as everyone makes it up to be or they couldn’t get away with the grammatically dubious moniker “Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area”.

This whole thing is suspicious though. Muslim families in Florida?!?  There’s no normal Muslim family stubborn enough to settle in Florida.  These are obviously deep sleeper cells.

Tampa Islamic group wants kids released early once a week to pray: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/islamic-society-of-tampa-bay-area-wants-schools-to-let-muslim-students-leave-class-hours-early-every-week/

And from the “Equal Opportunity Inequality” file tonight, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is begging for forgiveness from Jesus and people who really exist this week after sending out a controversial email that encouraged her congregation to try to look less black.

As in more Barack, less Michelle?  Colored but not too colored?

No, Barack is still too black for her.  The email in question actually said that the church should work to put it’s best foot forward and make sure that the people greeting parishioners on Sunday morning should only be the best people, by which she meant the white people.  And don’t let the caucasian sounding name fool you, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is a sista.

I’d like to read a quote I made up, from the email:

“Our white workers will be at the front, and our workers of color will have a separate, but equally important job in the back of the house, much like a restaurant staff.”

Can’t imagine how that stirred up any trouble.

And while there is something of a silver lining in the realization that a black woman can hate the coloreds as well as any white man, I think we can all agree that it’s important that we continue to allow blacks in North Carolina to greet people outside of churches.  Otherwise they’ll have nothing at all to do on election day.

Black Pastor apologized for insisting that only white people should greet parishioners: http://www.christianpost.com/news/im-sorry-pastor-begs-diverse-congregations-forgiveness-for-only-white-people-email-on-sunday-104106/

And in “We’ll just start our own universe and it’ll be way better than yours” news tonight the ongoing attempt to create a fully realized parallel reality for Christian children is one step closer to fruition this week with the announcement of the new queer-hatin’ alternative to the Boy Scouts, Trail Life USA.

The Brokeback Mountaineer issue strikes again.

Joining Christian versions of theme parks, museums, music, science, television, wikipedia, schools and Floridian Courthouses, this latest attempt to inculcate children with a Truman Show like inability to recognize that gays don’t have hooves and bifurcated tails is, of course, a response to the Boy Scouts recent partial backpedaling of it’s long standing official policy of demonizing an innocent segment of society.

Nothing says “The Boy Scouts of America no longer officially hates gays enough” . . . than starting your own all-male tent pitching squad.  

Scheduled for official launch on precisely the day that the Boy Scouts start letting the homos in, Trail Life USA promises to be (quote) “stronger, safer and more principled in every way” and co-founder and head redneck John Stemberger went out of his way to use hairy testicled phrases like “masculine outdoor program” when describing the program and how totally heterosexual it will be.

I think as a country, we’re pumping out more than enough homophobic outdoorsmen, without any additional youth outreach programs.  There’s an entire homophobic outdoorsmen genre on television.  We have an entire swath of this country that is clever enough to see the amazing rhyme potential of hatin’ queers and lovin’ steers, but fails to see the irony of preferring livestock anus to human male anus.

New Alternative to Boy Scouts for queer-hatin’ rednecks: http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-values-based-alternative-to-boy-scouts-launched-104009/

And finally tonight, in felonious coconut news, a delinquent drupe was detained by detectives in the Maldives last week under suspicions that the tropical fruit was possessed by an evil wizard who intended to use the dark coconut arts to influence an upcoming election.

I’m not sure how we could possibly mock religion here, but you were saying “evil coconut wizard” . . . go ahead.

The story begins, as magical coconut stories often do, when a concerned citizen noticed the suspicious brown orb outside a local school that was designated as an upcoming polling station.

Can a brown orb that is – in fact – a coconut, be suspicious in a country that has palm trees and coconuts everywhere?

Well, either it was noteworthy or this weird ass is just taken to closely examining the scattered fruits he comes across  One way of the other, he noticed that a Koranic verse was etched into it, meaning it could only be the work of a malicious sorcerer.

Or maybe one of the 100% of citizens that are Muslim, have Korans lying around, and have easy access to brown orbs.      

He contacted authorities who inexplicably did not tell him to fuck off and instead investigated the coconut and according to the terminology in every news report we could dig up, the coconut was… arrested.

Textbook profiling of an infidel spy.  Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

A local wizard was summoned by the police to determine the exact mystical properties of the suspect and to counteract its evil powers.  Because apparently Maldivians are idiots.  And before we get a bunch of emails about it, yes, Maldivian is the correct demonym.

And yes, “idiots” meaning “stupid people that believe in voodoo coconut election fraud” . . .   

And I can’t believe we didn’t mention this yet, but how does election fraud make any fucking difference in a theocracy?!?  

Fraudulent by definition.

Curse-carrying coconut arrested in the Maldives: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/a-coconut-is-messing-up-this-countrys-elections/

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks again for joining me.

And when we come back, we’ll be doing that bit you were really looking forward to.

Song

 

For the sake of your survival, you should really read the bible,

It’s the only moral guide you’ll ever need;

Think you found a contradiction? You must suffer some affliction,

Cause there ain’t no fucking fiction there to read.

For the sake of your salvation, believe in Biblical creation,

Learn these Jewish incantations, learn them well.

Why go through life just guessin’, when the bible teaches lessons,

Like the fabrics you can dress in; to bypass hell.

Well… God wrote that he wrote it.  Inside that’s clearly noted.

Just ask yourself, why would he lie?

God said that he said it.  Don’t you ever forget it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

For the sake of your society, you really should try piety,

It cloaks your improprieties, we swear.

We’ll accept your sinful vices, and my only real advice is,

If you put your life in Christ, you’re in the clear.

Don’t forget the basics, like the fact that god’s a racist,

And it’s okay if you’re a rapist, if you pay.

If you’ve committed genocide, it’s possibly justified,

If god hates the folks who died, it’s all okay.

The most immoral bastard, gets forgiven if he ask for,

A quick favor from his master in a jam.

What’s that? You’re no believer? Then gimme that book and leave, sir.

And if I seem a little eager; it’s cause I am.

After all…

God insists he insists it.  I’m not sure how you missed it.

Don’t see how that’s difficult to buy.

God revealed he revealed it, so I figured that sealed it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

God claimed that he claimed it.  All this time he’s maintained it.

You keep debatin’, but I don’t know why.

God declared he declares it, and he swore that he swears it,

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

 

Feedback

Now it’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the show where we hope other people will write funny shit that we’ll tangentially get credit for and act as though we have some kind of expertise or special knowledge that qualifies us to answer questions.

So our first email comes from Milton in New Jersey City and he asks:

When is it okay to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?

Any time after 3pm and all day Sunday

And to clarify, any time is OKAY.  I think he means, “When is it BEST to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?”

Right.  And I think it’s worth noting that Heath and I have pretty lax personal “Go fuck yourself” thresholds even for New Yorkers so I’m saying it’s okay any time you’re saying to yourself, “I’m done talking to this Christian and I have no interest in eventually having sex with them.”

Our next comment comes from the blog.  Ken loves the show but offered a not-exactly-correction to our story in episode 29 about the Salvation Army attending a South African Porn Convention to (quote) “be available”.

Ken points out that the Salvation Army often goes to these types of events to be available for potential victims of sex trafficking and abuse, which, we didn’t mention because we were busy making apartheid dick jokes.

And it’s probably a good thing that we didn’t know about that angle.  We clearly would have made sex slave rape jokes that were way worse than mere apartheid dick jokes.  

Also, I don’t recommend using our notoriously dick-joke-laden headlines segment as a single source news program.

Our next email comes to us all the way from wherever Brandon is from.  And Brandon writes us to ask what he can do about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that keep showing up at his door.

Hm… great question.  My first thought on this one requires a wheelbarrow, a holocaust cloak and Andre the Giant but he’s dead so that won’t work.

“Do I want some literature about Jesus?  No.  But do you want some weed?”

I find that wearing nothing but a necktie when you come to the door works with varying levels of success depending on what you tie it around.

Sometimes I like to lower a basket down from the second floor window, and yell “It puts the propaganda in the basket!!!”  Then they get the hose regardless.  

Okay, so here’s my serious answer.  I say you invite ‘em in, get ‘em a drink and let them give you the whole spiel for their little cult.  But the whole time have this episode playing on the stereo in the background.  Make sure it’s loud enough that they can hear it the whole time, but not loud enough to drown them out.

Until you reach this part.  And then you turn it up really loud so that they know that you’ve been fucking with them the whole time and delaying them from spreading their filthy virus to anyone else while you made them listen to the Bible song.  And if they’re still in the room they can hear me tell them to go fuck themselves while they’re gathering up all their Jesus stuff.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more questions.

You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Outro

Before we lock it up for the night I wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s show.  If you were looking for the interview I did on the A Matter of Doubt Podcast and were surprised to discover that I was actually ex-Jehovah’s Witness Kenny Wyland, that’s because I fucked up the episode number.  I said episode 54, but it was actually episode 56 that you wanted.  Not that episode 54 didn’t kick ass or anything, I just wasn’t on it.

http://www.amatterofdoubt.com/podcasts/ep-56-noah-lugeons-the-scathing-atheist/

And if you were looking for the live broadcast I did on CWebb’s Sunday School, well, sorry about that, too.  An hour after I published the episode I learned that the time had been pushed back from 5 to 4:30.  Sorry if you missed it live; it was a fun panel discussion on the biblical prophecies surrounding the destruction of Damascus.  It’s on CWebb’s archives now if you’d like to catch up.  You’ll find a link in the shownotes, of course.

http://cwebbssundayschool.com/bonus-the-end-is-near-or-is-it/

And because I’m apparently a total podcast whore, you’ll also be able to catch me on the extremely funny Imaginary Friend Show with Jake Farr-Wharton in the next few days.  I believe the episode will be up this weekend and as soon as I know the date, I’ll be posting it on our Facebook page, our blog and our Twitter feed, all of which you should probably follow just in case.

Can’t close the show without thanking Heath for everything he does to make this show have Heath in it.  I also need to thank Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for providing this week’s embellished Farnsworth quote.  He’s a rising star in the podcast community and if you check his show out you’ll find out why.  Can’t recommend it enough if you haven’t heard him already.  And if you’re presently kicking yourself for that oversight, calm down, you’ll find a link to his show in the show notes for this episode.

http://www.herdmentalitypodcast.com/

I also need to thank Heath’s roommate for our kick ass new logo.  We’ll be setting up a Cafe Press site this week if you’re dying to get a customized Scathing Atheist T-Shirt, coffee mug, iPhone cover, whatever.  That stuff should be available no later than Sunday so there’s plenty of time to do all your Jesus-Day shopping right there.

And lastly, of course, I need to thank this week’s most shining examples of humanity, Kevin, Richard, Brian, Andrew and Magnus.  Kevin, who once defeated the devil himself in arm-wrestling and scrabble at the same time, with the same hand; Richard, a man whose bravery and intelligence redefines redefinition; Brian, who shall rescue humanity in it’s darkest hour atop his mighty steed, Poof the Fabulous Dragon; Andrew whose army of robot spiders and amazon love warriors are the envy of supervillains everywhere; and Magnus whose name is so fucking cool that I don’t have to add any imaginative descriptors to increase the perception of his awesomeness.

These five noble philanthropists have conquered the final task in their path to glorification by giving us money.  Not everyone has the gallantry, luminosity and sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but you only love us as a friend, you can also show your appreciation and help us out a ton by swinging over to iTunes and leaving us a glowing review.  We really appreciate everybody who takes the time to stroke our ego and help our iTunes ranking.  You can also help us out by telling your friends about the show or sharing an episode on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.

Oh, and listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.