atheist | The Scathing Atheist

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new faith based tire sealant Cruci-fix-a-flat. Every twelve ounce can comes complete with no ingredients, because if god wanted you to get to work, he wouldn’t have put that nail in the road. Now get on your knees and thank him for not giving your children boils.

Cruci-fix-a-flat, because who needs a spare, when you’ve got a prayer?

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s June 12th,

And this big soccer thing is already getting in the way of NFL training camp coverage.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from modern day Gomorrah, New York, New York,

And almost as modern as Gomorrah, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

The FFRF will make Iowa sit in the corner and stare at the wall for the rest of the period,
Catholics will buttfuck kids and lie about it… again…
And India still refuses to get down with the Sikhness.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

I saw one of the most epic beat downs in the history of theological debate last week and you may have seen it, too. If not, I’ll have a link for it on the shownotes and even though it’s long as fuck and your blood will boil every time the Christian sperm flake opens his mouth, it’s totally worth the two hours.

The title of the debate was “Is it reasonable to believe in god?”. Arguing in the negative was Matt Dillahunty of Atheist Experience fame. Arguing in the “La-la-la, I can’t hear you” was presuppositionalist testicle laceration Sye Ten Bruggencate. And his position was even more ridiculous than his name.

So after watching Bruce Lee fight the ensign in the red shirt for an hour and a half they do a Q&A in this overwhelmingly atheist audience. And the whole reason I bring this up is that one person sets up his question by asking, “Do you agree that democracy is the best system in a civilized society?” and Bizarro world Gandolfini shakes his head; “The best form of government is a theocracy”, and then he adds, of course, “A Christian theocracy.”

The whole audience gasped, but I doubt any of them were shocked that he believed that. I think they were just surprised he admitted it. Sure. I think democracy is the second best form of government behind a complete dictatorial monarchy that I’m in charge of. But I recognize that the latter isn’t practical so I settle for democracy.

And make no mistake, that exactly what the theocrats are proposing. When Sye Bruggencate says he thinks “God” should be in charge of our government, he’s obviously talking about his interpretation of his religion’s god, who conveniently feels exactly the same way that Sye Bruggencate does on every issue. We’re not electing Jimmy Stewart, we’re electing Harvey. We just need Jimmy Stewart to tell us what the invisible rabbit says.

Now, most Christians wouldn’t have been so honest, but you’re lying to yourself if you think they don’t agree. They love separation of church and state when it keeps them from having to pay taxes or provide comprehensive health care, but that’s where their love ends. They may pay lip service to it and if they’re part of a minority religion they might really believe in it, but when it comes down to it, they all want to put their god in charge of your country.

Everywhere you look in America, the Christians are fighting for their theocracy, and not just in honest ways. Can’t win the abortion issue through the courts or the ballot boxes? Well then just buy up all the hospitals and cut out the service. In the meantime, bullying, harassment and open calls for violence should suffice.

Your ideas don’t hold up to in academic fields? Well then just sneak them into classrooms every chance you get. And between now and then, just make your own schools and museums and seminars and colleges and peer-reviewed journals.

Can’t win in the court of public opinion? Well just make your own TV channels, radio stations, magazines, books and amusement parks and hide the real world from your children. With a little luck, you can just outbreed those socially responsible secularists one litter at a time.

You and I can disagree… hell, we probably do disagree on a lot of shit. But we can have a conversation about it and work out our differences and compromise. Hell, we can even change our minds. But if the person you’re debating thinks they’re a proxy for god then there’s no room for accommodation. Their opinion is infallible.

You can see this same MO in any number of issues… contraception, gay rights, science education, stem cell research, gender equality… doesn’t matter what the rest of the country has to say about it. Or the rest of the world. How could they possibly be swayed by the opinion of people who disagree with god? It doesn’t matter if it’s a small majority like it is with gay marriage or an overwhelming majority like we have with contraception. They will stand against demonstrable science, archaeological evidence and the laws of logic themselves! So why would we ever think something as insignificant as the majority will slow them down?

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is Turing Test Champion Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to mimic genuine human speech?

That’s very an interesting point. Perhaps I should, too.

Well, by the Facebook standard, I guess you nailed it.

Like Pontius Pilate … In our lead story tonight, House Majority Leader and “Worst Jew Ever” Eric Cantor was defeated in the Republican primary for Virginia’s 7th district by Tea Party prospect Dave Brat. This is extremely embarrassing for a few reasons: 1) Dave Brat is fucking awful … 2) It’s the first time a House Majority Leader has lost a party primary since the position was created in 1899 … And 3) The GOP just lost it’s “Token Congressional Jew”, so they’ll need to grow another one in the stem cell lab they just shut down. Awkward conversation …

Yeah, but if he rises again three days later, he gets his own religion. As far as consolation prizes go, that’s pretty solid.

Normally I’d be all about a conservative asshole like Cantor getting ousted in humiliation. But he lost because he wasn’t enough of a conservative asshole for Virginia 7. That’s right! … Eric Cantor – who supports legislative control of Fallopian tubes but not assault rifles – was too liberal for them. And “liberal” in this case, is Virginian for “killed Jesus”.

Of course, the main issue Brat exploited was Cantor’s inability to sufficiently hate Mexicans, but the Messiah-cide certainly didn’t help. He also took hits for raising the debt ceiling and eventually agreeing to end the government shut down, and that really played into Brat’s “Thunderdome 2014” platform.

Right … So Dave Brat – unlike Cantor – “unflinchingly” supports the Republican Creed, which includes the belief that: (quote) “Faith in God, as recognized by our Founding Fathers[,] is essential to the moral fiber of the Nation.” (end quote) …

And the last thing we need is moral constipation.

Not sure why it would matter what 18th century slave owners with wooden teeth thought, but just for the record, our founding fathers were secularists. Actually, that was the whole point. So faith in god as they recognized it, was – at best – something personal, that you shut the fuck up about when dealing with real-life things like organizing a society.

Eric Cantor not Republican enough: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/10/dave-brat-who-just-unseated-house-majority-leader-eric-cantor-believes-faith-in-god-is-essential-for-morality

And in this week’s installment of ridiculous bullshit excuses for Catholic child-fucking, we have Archbishop Robert J. Carlson, who claims there’s too much gray area about when you can and can’t legally stick your dick in a kid’s ass. <Yeah, it’s fuzzy…> Not at the age Catholic priests like them, but yeah, eventually they’re fuzzy. Now you’ll recall that last week we had the story of a lawyer arguing on behalf of the New Jersey diocese that priests are definitionally off the clock whilst diddling children. In a blatant display of one upmanship, Archbishop Carlson said during a deposition last week that he was unaware that there was a law against child-rape.

So as we often must qualify … This actually happened. Carlson was asked if he knew that pedophilia was illegal in the 70’s, and he responded: (quote) “I’m not sure whether I knew it was a crime or not. I understand today it’s a crime.” (end quote) … Then he was asked when he picked up this important nugget of wisdom, and he couldn’t recall … “They send out so many memos. We’re raping kids. Now we’re not. Now we’re catching, but not pitching. Now mouth stuff only. It’s impossible to keep track.”

Yeah, well the Memento guy of pedophelia probably questioned his lawyers advice on this one, to which his lawyer says, “Either you get some damn broad amnesia or you admit publicly that you knowingly allowed one of your priests to sexually torture children without exhibiting the slightest pang of humanity. So at that point sociopathic perjurer is actually the better option from a PR perspective.”

Archbishop not sure whether child-rape was a crime: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/10/catholic-archbishop-tells-lawyer-he-wasnt-sure-whether-raping-a-child-was-a-crime-back-in-the-1970s/

“Law?!? Child rape?!? Against?!? These are just meaningless mouth noises.” … Moving on … In “What if everyone carried a sword?” news, the Sikh relgion did the exact opposite of dispelling stereotypes, when an actual large-scale sword fight broke out during what appears from photographs to be a brightly-colored scarf-hat convention, at the Golden Temple in Amrisar, India.

But yeah, they should totally be allowed to carry those fuckers onto public transit. Because I’m sure Sikhs are way more respectful on buses than they are in the holiest shrine in their entire fucking religion.

From what I gather, the mustard yellow guys wanted to give their speech to the crowd first, but cornflower blue wasn’t having it. <No they weren’t> And since they were right there, on the set of Aladdin, with a staircase, a barrel, and an apple cart ready to go, they settled the dispute with a blatantly choreographed stage fighting sequence. Mustard yellow finally won after doing a backflip and yelling: “Haha!!! I’m not left handed either!!!”

Yeah, as cool as a group of elderly zealots swinging scimitars at each other sounds, this was the worst swordfight since the second Legend of Zelda.

So they were actually gathered to honor key martyrs for their now-booming religion, on the 30th anniversary of Operation Blue Star – a 1984 raid by Indian troops that killed over 400 Sikhs who were suspected armed separatists. They were at least armed, because part of the Sikh uniform for dudes, is one of those enormous curved bad guy swords.

But it makes you wonder if there’s some infinite regress of dead Sikhs going on here. You know, they make a holiday to mark this battle too, and then a swordfight breaks out at that one, so they make another holiday to mark that battle and so on… there’s gotta be a more efficient ways of ridding the world of Sikhism.

I’m sure we can think of something. In fact, 30 seconds on the…

Sorry, bro, there’s a line. No 30 seconds’ bits for genocide strategies.

You’re such a tease!

Swordfight breaks out in Sikh temple during ceremony: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jun/06/sikhs-clash-golden-temple-amritsar-india

And in “Iowa don’t owe-a you nothing” news tonight, the state of Iowa’s “Vision Iowa” program has seen the light and decided not to invest $140,000 of taxpayer money in the construction of a Christian themed park in Sioux City. “Shepherd’s Gardens” boasts $5000 worth of crosses, five designated “prayer spaces” and a website that loads up like AOL dialup.

What the fuck is a prayer space?!? When you’re talking to God, do the acoustics really matter?!?

Upon hearing of the state’s intent to partially fund a park intended to (and I quote) “[Counteract the] rise of secular influence in our culture”, the secular influence in our culture told them to fuck off. Specifically, the FFRF sent a letter explaining that this was (quote) “…one of the most egregious grants for a religious purpose FFRF has encountered” (end quote).

Yeah this seemed like a secret shopper testing the FFRF guy who’s in charge of Iowa … “We’d like to impose a tax on being Jewish, Muslim, and atheist to account for the terrible weather and school shootings they cause. And we want them to buy us a park. And a shrubbery.” No. We’re not doing that.

After first proposing that the state pay only for the non-Christian aspects of the entirely Christian park, a solution on par with pointing out that six out of seven orifices weren’t raped, legal counsel for the state and part time toilet paper tensile integrity guardian Timothy J. Whipple informed the FFRF that the board ultimately rescinded the grant.

Iowa capitulates on planned $140,000 grant for Christian themed park: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/07/christian-themed-park-will-no-longer-be-getting-a-140000-boost-from-iowan-taxpayers/

And in “Goldman Sacks Entire SEC” news, the financial watchdog agency that monitors the Vatican … is employed by the Vatican!!! And it seems Pope Fransparency felt the meaningless group of Italian people he hireld to ignore Nazi gold transactions, should be fired and replaced by an equally meaningless group of international people … that will ignore Nazi gold transactions.

The WWE referees of financial watchdogs. But as inept as these guy are at detecting fraud, I’ll do them the credit of saying that even they would have called that fucking goalie interference in game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals. I mean… are you fucking kidding me!? He was butt-raping Lundqvist mid shot! For fuck’s sake…

So the Vatican has been blatantly and egregiously violating international anti-money-laundering standards for centuries. People just now realized this apparently, so to alleviate all the concern, Catholicism hired it’s own watchdog in 2010. Not surprisingly, this accomplished nothing. So in 2012, they put Swiss anti-money-laundering expert Rene Bruelhart in charge. Surprise twist … Turns out anti-money laundering experts are almost always also pro-money-laundering experts. And when the board members complained about being kept in the dark by the new transparency guru … they got fired.

In Pope Frandelay Industry’s defense, though, he’s already seen that the international media doesn’t see any difference between empaneling people to do something and doing something, and doing something is hard.

Pope Francis fires entire financial watchdog panel: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/05/pope-francis-bank-watchdog-board_n_5451637.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “The only people who talk about ducks more than my autocorrect” news tonight, Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson has announced the imminent publication of a new bible that will focus on the core values of faith, family, fellowship and fag-hating. In addition to the regular bible, this version will include more than one hundred articles written by a man who thinks “Whoo hee hee” is a word and that the term “A real man” can precede the word “don’t”.

Do you wish poor people would just die already, but found that Atlas Shrugged was way too many pages??? Do you hate gay people, but couldn’t even get to Leviticus??? Then you’ll definitely be able to struggle through our new book … “I’m Borderline Illiterate, but God is my Ghost Writer” – by Phil Robertson

Publisher “Thomas Nelson Bible Group” is excited about the new project, pointing out that Wal-Mart just can’t keep the Duck Dynasty merch in stock. Vice President and Associate Publisher Robert Stanford told reporters, (quote) “We are honored and excited to be working with Phil and his son on this new Bible. Our demographic research shows that as long as the cover art contains these filthy rednecks and a cross, the rest can be Ipsum Lorem… it’s not like these fuckers can read.”

People who bought this book also bought “Mass Opiates for Dummies”, “Learn to Read”, and unreasonably large firearms … And a book by that same title.

Now, in case Robertson is listening, I think we should toss out some ideas for him, so 30 Seconds on the clock; proposed changes for the redneck bible. Go!

Like a more clear cut stance on homosexuality?

That would be a good start, but I was thinking about stuff like Jesus turning the water into Old Milwaukee.

The Book of John Deere

The lying down with beasts thing is more of a guideline than a rule.

As long as it’s a girl sheep …

I’m picturing The Last Supper at Cracker Barrel … And Jesus has the power mullet.

Say what you will about Cracker Barrel, but their gravy-fried gravy is awesome. Okay, so… Instead of Damascus, Paul was on the way to Dollywood.

When Jacob wrastles God, he wins by using a folding chair when the ref’s not looking.

They only have six commandments because they needed room in the ark for a couple beers and some bait.

For the Appalachian folk, God breathes life into the mouths, not the noses. They never learn the nose version, but now they know why.

Three words: Bandana of thorns

Twist ending: Jesus was dead the whole time. So was his dad. And the guy from Die Hard.

And of course, in this one Lot’s daughters don’t have to trick him.

Duck Dynasty stars to release their own redneck bible: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/05/duck-dynasty-bible_n_5452828.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Jesus of NASCAReth … Awful!!! Who writes this fucking stuff?!? Puns aren’t funny!!! … And finally tonight, in a follow up to a story from last week, from the “Have your Cock, and your KKKake and Eat it Too” file, Richard Land – of the Southern Evangelical Seminary – has come to the defense of the homophobic Colorado bakery owner Jack Phillips, who refused to make a drag bundt cake for a gay wedding.

It’s about time somebody spoke up on behalf of the straights. And to be honest, I’ve been wondering where the Southern Evangelical Seminary falls on the “rights of gays to eat cakes” issue.

Well to help everyone understand his position, Land decided his thoughts would be best expressed with a hate group analogy … Because people get those. He claimed that laws against bigotry are unfair because they wouldn’t allow black bakery owners to refuse KKK pastry requests. Not sure if there’s any particular DNA sequences for hating blacks and Jews, but regardless, being gay … and Klanning … are at least slightly different.

They’re just two different ways of getting the sheets dirty if you ask me. Seriously. They both have parades, they both ride steeds, they both appreciate a well hung black man…

Earlier this year, Dick Land also dropped this science brilliant bomb: (quote) “A high percentage of adult male homosexuals in America were sexually molested when they were children […] Anybody who’s a counselor […] will tell you that.” (end quote) … So if kids would just avoid getting molested, and spend more time in church where that can’t happen … they wouldn’t keep catching the GAIDS, and we wouldn’t even have this cake problem.

Pastor: “Forcing a Christian to bake cake for gays is like forcing blacks to join the KKK”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/05/pastor-gay-wedding-cake-kkk_n_5453277.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion

Well I guess that’s as close to an AIDS joke as we’re gonna get tonight, so we’ll close the headlines there. Heath, thanks as always.

Why is it so hard to cure AIDS?

Guess I begged for that. I don’t know, why is it so hard to cure AIDS?

It’s hard to get the mice to butt-fuck.

And when we come back you’ll pretend you didn’t miss us, but we’ll know you did.

Calendar:

It’s time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show; this is the sporadic few minutes we set aside every 4 to 10 episodes or so to bring you up to speed on all the great secular, atheist and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.

We’ll just assume it’s too late to talk you into hitting up a June conference and start off this week in Minneapolis on July 4th weekend, where SkepchickCon will be taking place within the larger umbrella of ConVergence. Debbie Goddard, Surly Amy, Rebecca Watson and PZ Myers to name a few and what the fuck else would you be doing in Minneapolis?

http://skepchickcon.com/

The following weekend we have an even cooler con in a much cooler place. The Amazing Meeting is the biggest annual skeptical conference in the country, they’re in their sixteenth year and it gets better every time. This year’s speakers include Daniel Dennett, Steven Novella, Julia Galef, Richard Wiseman, Eugenie Scott and if you haven’t been keeping up, they’ve recently added Bill Nye to the guest list. So yeah. Beg, borrow, steal, hitchhike, whatever.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

For our listeners in Brisbane, you’ve got a Skepticamp event coming up next month with friend of the show Jake Farr-Wharton from the Imaginary Friends show, Ross from Skeptically challenged and a host of other people I’ve never heard of that will probably still be awesome. That’s coming up on the 19th of July.

http://brisskepticamp.org/

The Atheist Alliance of America will be holding their annual convention in Seattle this year. That’s August 7th through the 10th and includes Sean Faircloth, Steven Pinker, Richard Carrier and more. I heard great things about their con last year and look forward to hearing great things about this one in the near future.

http://www.aaaseattle2014.com/speakers.html

As always, you can find more information about any of these events on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And if you’re involved with an event that needs a little PR, I’m happy to plug it. You’ll find the contact info on that very same website I was just telling you about.

Poem – Proverbs

There’s a pamphlet’s worth of wisdom buried deep within the Bible.

Between condemning all this random shit and killing Jewish rivals,

Between the stoning and the genocide, and the fifty-shekel price,

One pays for raping women, there’s a bit of good advice.

Though the majority of what’s in this lengthy book is quite unsavory,

Like the sexist, racist, homophobic stuff and nods to slavery.

There’s a begrudging bit of decent stuff speckled here and there,

But it’s as hard to find as black people in films by Peter Weir.

So I forgive you if you give up in a state of disenchantment,

When they miss a moral statement with two thirds of their commandments.

But I assure you if you read enough, and keep an open mind,

You’ll be surprised by bits of noble stuff you’ll occasionally find.

Take Proverbs, for example; with it’s nine hundred fifteen lines,

Most of which are useless shit, that you could see if you were blind.

A couple more are awful, and some are quite misleading,

But the twelve or so left over are certainly worth reading.

Like Proverbs Fifteen One, for instance, which reminds us to ask nicely,

And despite the verbose shit so far, it says this one concisely.

Or Twenty Seven; Two, in which it tells you not to gloat…

Which makes you wonder if god ever even read the book he wrote.

In chapter fourteen it explains that to believe on faith makes you a fool

And at the end of twenty four it all but states the golden rule.

Or chapter thirty one, which says to drown your grief in wine

Or the nineteenth verse of chapter five which says that titty fucking’s fine.

It’s relative, of course, as this books filled with vile spite,

But after Joshua, Mein Kampf is only kind of impolite.

But compared to all the books that don’t approve of genocide,

Proverbs is a sorry choice for someone’s moral guide.

Take for instance chapter one, verses twenty six through twenty eight;

Which reminds us that the lord will mock your broken-hearted fate.

In two and five, six, seven, nine and twenty one through thirty;

We learn you can’t trust women, as they’re odious and dirty.

Those filthy floozy harlot sluts, maliciously malign;

So make sure to choose a modest girl for your two-hundredth concubine.

Owning slaves is fine as long as you, abuse them all to hell.

Just treat them like your kids whom you, I guess should beat as well.

Yes, even in this relatively good part of the book,

I’d forgive someone for thinking that the translator mistook

The Hebrew for pinata for the english word for child.

So even when it’s better, the Bible’s still to be reviled.

Outro:

Before we slip into our PJs tonight, we’ve got a big announcement to make. After only twelve weeks, we’ve reached our Patreon goal of five hundred dollars per episode which means that starting next week, this show is going to be an hour long.

Now, we recognize that that’s gonna take a lot more work and we don’t want to risk lowering the overall quality of the show, so if we find that we can’t record an hours worth of podcast for you every week without sacrificing the level of quality you’ve come to expect from us, we’ll rethink this thing and find another way to fulfill our obligation to our patrons. So over the next four weeks, bear with us as we make the transition and by all means, drop us a line and let us know what you think of the changes.

I also want to let everyone know that just because we reached that goal, it doesn’t mean you have to stop donating to us on Patreon. We’ve set up a new goal that will allow us to significantly improve the quality of the show and churn out a lot more content for you. If we can reach $850 an episode on Patreon, Heath has agreed to quit his job and join me in my sub-Bible-Beltian exile. So if you haven’t already signed up for a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com, please do exactly that and help reunite Heath and me.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. If you can’t wait that long, you can always find little nuggets of Scatheism on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page… and I might as well say that there’s stuff on our Google Plus page too since nobody will ever know that there isn’t.

Can’t close things out without thanking Heath for begrudgingly succumbing to my relentless pressure to double the length of the show. I need to thank Lucinda for all the work she’s gone through to get back to fucking strength, of course I need to thank Pastor Roy of the Catfish Creek Trailer Park for begrudgingly providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. He’s a regular guest on the Atheists On Air podcast which is absolutely phenomenal if you haven’t checked it out. You’ll find it linked on the shownotes for this episode, of course.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most crucial chordates; Aaron, Bryce, Chad, Mike, Jason, Erik, Sakura, Jen, The Just, Kim, Crystal, Paul, Alex, Sonja, Jerry, Anne, Pascal, Henk, Raymond, Dan, other Mike, John, Kevin and Frank. Aaron, Bryce, Chad, Mike, Jason and Erik, whose tongues are ribbed for her pleasure; Sakura, Jen, The Just, Kim, Crystal and Paul, who have enough gravitas to bend light; Alex, Sonja, Jerry, Anne, Pascal and Henk, whose IQs have parentheses and greek letters in them; and Raymond, Dan, other Mike, John, Kevin and Frank, who have to schedule their erections with air traffic controllers.

These twenty-two selfless, soulless, sinless specimens of secularity have earned their way into my heart, my outro and my zombie bunker if that ever becomes necessary this week by giving us money. If you too would like to earn my love, my outrageous flattery and your share of those freeze dried legumes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you can make a per episode donation and that website, again, is Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll also find linked on our website.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts, Uncategorized Tags: atheism, atheism podcast, atheist, atheist podcast, belief, Christianity, faith, religion, science, skeptic, skeptical podcast

Episode 68 – Partial Transcript

June 5, 2014 Noah Lugeons 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)

LINK TO EPISODE

LINK TO DONATE TO THE SHOW ON PATREON

LINK TO BUY THE BOOK

Warning: Eli’s on this episode so you might want to pee before you listen.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Christian Mingle (dot) com, because as far as we can tell, there’s no law against advertising for a company against their will. So try Christian Mingle (dot) com, because when I say “Fuck Christians”, it’s not always metaphorical.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s June 5th,

And there’s no such thing as “well done but juicy”.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright. And from “Ballgame over! Yankees win!” New York, New York,

And “Rebels Trail at Halftime” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

We’ll wonder why Easter candy is being sold in Malaysia,
We’ll learn that Hitler’s not as bad when you compare him to god,
And Eli Bosnick will join us to discuss that guy who hosted Later With Greg Kinnear.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe

Ever since I moved to Georgia, I’ve been looking forward to the missionaries. I could hit the nearest church to my house with a frisbee and the next nearest with about a 3 wood. I see roving bands of Jesus proxies everywhere I go in this town so I knew it was only a matter of time.

And when it finally came it was like a perfect storm of anger and rage. It should have been a thing of beauty. After the surgery, my wife was up and down and tossing and turning so I slept on the couch for the first couple of post-op weeks and it’s pretty okay for a couch but it’s still a couch.

Right about that time the AC goes out in my house. So, of course, we get highs in the mid-nineties the whole time. And for our international listeners, ninety five fahrenheit is three hundred and eight point one five Kelvin. So it’s fucking hot.

Anyway, I wake up in the morning to a knock on the door that I hope is the repairman but instead it’s a couple of used afterlife salesman. I’m wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts and a sheen of sweat, the perspiration in my hair has congealed into this reverse pillow mold and at that point I’d have been pissed if it was the Publisher’s Clearing House guys unless one of them had a background in AC repair.

All the ingredients were there for an epic, heartless, misanthropic beat down, but there was one problem. The missionaries in question were three girls, ranging in age from fourteen down to nine. The eldest is muttering something about an island and a boat and she’s clearly forgetting the last half of her sales pitch midway through the first half, so after a bit of stammering she asks me if I’ve made room in my life for Jesus.

So I consider it for a second and I say, “I liked some of his early stuff.”

This clearly wasn’t in their flowchart so it earned me a few seconds of blank stares and I added, “but once he got into that ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ phase, I tuned out.”

And apparently preteen Baptist girls don’t watch Reservoir Dogs because it clearly didn’t ring a bell. But undeterred, Jesus’s groupies went on to the next line, which was something about some dead carpenter or another. But I was done making fun of them and it was too hot to try to explain the concept of “incorrect” at that point so I told them I had important Messiahs to ignore but they were free to come back some other time.

It’s hard for me to imagine how that was supposed to go in their minds. Do groups of socially awkward teenie-boppers have high conversion rates? Are they concerned that somebody in town missed the church signs and giant crosses and “Christian Owned Business” stickers and bible verses and Christian book stores and yard signs and the bumper stickers and t-shirts and the eleven religious channels on basic cable and hadn’t heard the news about his sins having been died for? Did the preacher think to himself, “If anything will subdue the skepticism of the wayward masses, it’s the wisdom of One Direction fans?” And did mom and dad think to themselves, “What a great time to send the girls out unsupervised to the homes of middle aged men that we’ve never met! I know it’s ninety five degree out, but it’s a wet heat.”

But, of course, I know that they know they’re not gonna convert me. I’m just a prop in this game. The preacher didn’t send them out to spread their faith, he sent them out to strengthen it. It’s all about cramming as much Jesus as he can into every nook and cranny of their lives. I’m a vaccine against all the people that might challenge their beliefs later in life. I’m an unwitting pawn in their indoctrination.

Nothing betrays the depravity of religious leaders like their willingness to exploit children, and I’m not just talking about the ones that molest them. I just don’t see how anyone can resolve this in their own heads. How can you believe that teaching kids that there really are monsters under their beds is anything but unconscionable?

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is treif enthusiast, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to scare some swine-o-phobes?

So here’s what I’ve been doing … I carry a strip of bacon with me everywhere I go in New York City, and touch every surface I can. That includes every straw in every restaurant if possible. So if pig molecules irrationally frighten you, don’t come to New York any more.

In our lead story tonight, a Utah high school has taken decisive action against inappropriate shoulder-inspired erections this week by photoshopping modesty onto the floozies in their yearbook. Officials at “Watch Snatch” high school in South-Central Heber City, Utah enraged a number of their female students by adding sleeves to tank tops and camisoles to the pre-cleavage chest area.

I can understand where these girls are coming from. You’ve gotta look good when you’re 16-years-old, and have eight other younger wives to compete with.

Though they stopped short of going full hijab on these chicks, several of the students were outraged by the changes. To their credit, the school later apologized for not altering more of the photos! When this was brought to their attention, they were devastated by the fact that some of those little harlots got away with showing bare necks on their yearbook pictures after all.

Blasphemy!!! Might as well be the “Clavicle Fetish” section of a porn site!!!

I think it’s worth noting… and this is coming from a guy that grew up in the scrambled-porn whacking era… I can assure these school officials that no amount of digital remastery is gonna slow down a teenage boy looking to rub one out.

Yeah porn on dial-up was rough, but we certainly still made it work. The girl would show up in small horizontal bars, about once a minute, so by the time it got down to the upper shoulders, it was usually too late. I’d finally see some snatch while I was cleaning up.

“And we liked it!”

Utah High School modifies girl’s yearbook pics to look more modest: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/05/28/utah-high-schoolers-furious-over-selective-alteration-of-girls-yearbook-photos/

And from the “Still in Denial” file, Life Savers Ministries of Alabama recently put up – and then immediately had to take down in public embarrassment – a billboard in Auburn with the following two quotes … #1: “He alone, who owns the youth, owns the future.” … And #2: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” … These particular brainwashing tips were taken from two sources: Proverbs 22:6 and … wait for it … Adolph Hitler.

And it’s not like they just didn’t know who said that. They actually had the attribution on the billboard! It was written in red and it was bigger than the biblical attribution so there was no possible way you could drive by and not realize you were getting parenting advice from Hitler.

So let’s set aside the Holocaust thing … Who even knows whether- … Just ignore that for a moment … The message of the billboard is insane. First of all, it admits that Hitler and God use the same recruiting strategy. Not a selling point. And it also suggests that brainwashing people from birth to be religious zealots hasn’t lead to nearly every single genocide campaign in human history. Which it clearly has.

You’d think at least the ad company would have said something. The guy designing the thing? “Hey guys… I know it’s your ad and everything, but are you sure you want to associate yourself with the Nazis? I mean, I agree that at least it’s an ethos and all…”

So yes … Somehow, nobody foresaw any negative reaction to the name “Adolph Hitler” printed in huge letters, on an enormous highway poster. Turns out several people in Alabama know someone that’s seen a Jew, and they were – of course – mildly offended on their behalf.

“I seen me a jew once! Had one a ‘em little hats and everthang.”

Following the very subtle public outcry, Ministry founder James Anderegg admitted that – in retrospect – it might have been better to use a Herbert Hoover quote instead. Which clearly betrays his knowledge of “Anyone But Hitler”, and really only makes it worse.

“But Hitler’s mom let’s him do it”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/03/christian-ministry-quotes-adolf-hitler-on-billboard-not-realizing-thats-a-bad-idea

And in “Don’t try this at home” news tonight, we have a fucked up story about a crazy person murdering a kid. Raging psychotic Kimberly Lee Lucas, after being told repeatedly by the sane people around her that Abraham was commendable for the whole “willingness to murder his kid for god” thing, decided to emulate this biblical hero. And it turns out that, no, killing children on the command of the voices in your head isn’t all the bible makes it out to be.

“Yeah I stabbed my 2-year-old with a knife. But I didn’t think it would work!!!” … Where are the censors now? At least Grand Theft Auto has you murdering hookers, not your own child. And by the way, the Bible also has you murdering hookers, just for the record.

Now, we generally try to avoid stories about baby murder and crazy people on this show because by and large you can’t blame religion for its adherents being mentally ill… and baby murder jokes stop being funny if you’re talking about actual murdered babies. But when you are arm crazy people with stories that glorify attempted infanticide you have to accept at least some of the blame.

Yeah to be fair, I’d say the blame is spread out evenly, across all the holy books that glorify attempted infanticide.

Now let me stave off a few emails right now by making it clear that I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to buy bibles or that all bibles should be banned. I’m just endorsing waiting periods and background checks. And maybe we should rethink our policies on assault bibles.

Woman kills child while reinacting Abraham and Isaac story: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/30/inspired-by-abraham-and-isaac-bible-story-woman-murders-two-year-old-girl-in-religious-test-god-didnt-stop-me/

And from the biggest file we have … Reverend Terence McAlinden – while employed as a youth group leader at the Diocese of Trenton in the 1980’s – sexually assaulted Chris Naples numerous times during church-sanctioned trips. Naples has filed suit, but according to the diocese lawyer, the church is not responsible because the rapist was technically “off the clock” during those particular incidents.

Yeah, well in their defense, the Catholic Church has had a long standing “Who you fuck on your own time is none of our business” policy, haven’t they?

Indeed they have … The ‘off duty’ excuse prompted one of the justices to ask: “How do we determine when a priest IS and IS NOT on duty?” … The defense lawyer replied: “You can determine a priest is not on duty when he is [abusing] a child, for example” … So they have a Pedophile Scotsman Policy. “Clock out if your cock’s out.”

I feel the need to point out that that was a real quote. The lawyer really said that. He wasn’t a priest at that time because, by definition, priests don’t have their dicks in kids. He was a priest between thrusts, sure…

Running out of clever titles for pedophile stories: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/03/church-deflects-blame-for-pedophile-priest-by-arguing-that-he-was-not-on-duty

And in “Spiritual Death by Chocolate” news tonight, several raging Muslim lunatics are left with creme egg on their faces this week when it turned out their fatwa against a candy bar may have been premature. The story began last month when the Malaysian Ministry of Health demanded a recall that led to a fatwa against Cadbury. At first I thought it was inspired by the fact that there’s no logical place to start eating those fucking creme eggs without splurting sugar sperm all over your chin, in which case I’d have been behind it entirely, but it turns out it was actually prompted by the detection of a few molecules of pork.

What I like to do for breakfast, is break two or three creme eggs over bacon and toast. That way you can wipe up the sugar sperm with the extra toast.

Every sperm is sacred… Now, I know it’s hard to imagine Muslims getting the science wrong, but it turns out they didn’t adequately control for contamination. Upon rectifying that oversight, the tests came back negative. So yes, Malaysia is safe from spiritually deficient demon swine once again. Now maybe the country that ranks between Libya and Syria on the human development index can move on to removing the piss from the tap water.

Or maybe they can spend a few days finding that fucking airplane!!! It’s not as if it’s a tiny packet of fucking peanuts.

These new data have done little to slow down boycotts and demonstrations against the company. When asked if the new findings were enough to exonerate the chocolatier, a spokesman for the Association of Islamic Consumers said (quote), “If we were the kind of people that changed our positions because of evidence, we wouldn’t be religious.”

Fatwa issued against Cadbury chocolate: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/02/cadbury-malaysia-pork-halal_n_5432136.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, in “Have Your Cock and Eat it too” news, the Colorado Civil Rights Commission has ruled that Jack Phillips – owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop – must stop discriminating against gay people by refusing to make wedding cakes for same-sex marriages. Incidentally, such marriages don’t technically exist in Colorado yet, despite their very liberal stance on what can and can’t be put into baked goods. And just to be clear, they draw the line after marijuana, but before a second cock. Jason Biggs would have been safe.

I bet he never thought fucking that pie would be the high point of his career.

Dude wouldn’t have lasted a day on The Creek … So let’s recap: Phillips puts flower-shaped dollops of pink icing on cakes for a living, but refuses to be involved with gay stuff in any way whatsoever. Sounds like the demand for homosexual food service isn’t being met in Colorado … So let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for a Gay Catering Business” … GO!!!

Circle Jerked Chicken

“Pie a la Mo”

Adam’s Apple Upside Down Cake? Made with fresh tranny apples?

Don’t mix up the tops and bottoms … What about: “Five Guys Sharing Ass…Burgers and Fries”?

I think you could have just stopped at “Five Guys”… how about “Squeals on Wheels: All the pillow you can bite for one low price”

Tossed Fruit Salad … Some people prefer jelly … Most likely “Felch’s Grape”

I only like it with Peanut Bugger.

Like those gay cream pies … What are they called? … FlufferNutters in the Butter

How about Santorum-balls?

Man on Manchester Tart??? … Queer-a-misu???

A little “Queef Brisket” for the Lesbian menu

BrownEye Rounds: Donut-Shaped Fudge-Packed Brownies

Chubway Footlongs? Or you can get the really big ones and circumcise a little bit at a time.

“Epstein’s Barbecue: Smokin’ Pole Food”

“Rusty Trombone Appetit”

“Two Guys, One Cupcake”

If I’m not mistaken, two girl-one cup references are to our headlines as fat ladies are to operas, so I guess that does it for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will be here to discuss the new film “Little Mister Monkeyshines”

Outro

Before we abdicate the throne tonight I wanted to let everyone know we’re getting damn close to our five hundred dollar an episode Patreon goal. For those who don’t know, when we hit $500 we’re gonna make a go at doubling the length of the show so if you want more us, we’re only about thirty three bucks shy now, you can get us closer by visiting Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and making a per episode donation.

Also want to remind everybody that I was on the most recent episode of The Imaginary Friends Show podcast, that’s episode one eighty two of Jake’s fine show, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for this episode. Had a blast with Pete Darwin and Ross from the Skeptically Challenged Podcast, and you’re invited to listen to that blast at your convenience.

I also wanted to remind everyone that every time somebody buys a copy of “Diatribes, Volume One: Fifty Essays from a Godless Misanthrope”, an angel gets his wings… and then gets them thumbtacked to a cork board for a fourth grade science project. You’ll find links to buy both the ebook and the paperback at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Can’t shut it down without thanking Heath for boldly going where no abortion joke has gone before; I need to thank Lucinda for inexplicably failing to divorce me by now, I want to thank Paul from the Quranify Me podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote… and if you haven’t checked out his show yet, be sure to check the shownotes for a handy link.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most interesting persons of interest, Dave, Wayne, Derrick, Andrew, David, Mark, Allen, Matthew, Richard, Michael, Z and other Michael. Dave, Wayne and Derrick, whose strength would be the standard unit of measurement horses would use if horses built cars; Andrew, David and Mark, whose erections are engorged with enough blood to feed a family of vampires on Thanksgiving; Allen, Matthew and Richard, whose cocks are so big even Galactus just works the tip; and Michael, Z and other Michael, whose names god calls out when he comes.

These twelve well-meaning, well-endowed well-wishers have swelled our well-being this week by giving us money. Giving us money takes courage, dedication and two and a half to three minutes, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but you forgot the combination to your mattress, you can also help us out by leaving us a review on iTunes or Stitcher or other places as you see fit. Also, sharing our show on Facebook and Twitter and stuff is a great way to prune the humorless asshats.

Categories: Show Transcripts, Uncategorized Tags: agnostic podcast, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Christianity, Eli Bosnick, Heath Enwright, Noah Lugeons, religion

Episode 66 – Partial Transcript

May 22, 2014 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)

Link to Episode

Link to SUPPORT US ON PATREON

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Warning: These guys use the F word like motherfuckers.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new walk-in circumcision service, Adjust the Tip.

Are you planning to celebrate the birth of your infant son by mutilating his genitals, but you don’t want to get blood and herpes all over your living room? Wouldn’t you be more comfortable bringing your child to a Rabbi’s house, that has a dungeon for that specific purpose? Then come on down to Adjust the Tip: Adjust for a second … Adjust to see how it feels.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s May 22nd,

And according to our sources: Tucan Sam leaps on the back of the wind.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from the unofficial capital of the world, New York, New York…

And home of the world’s second largest kumquat, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

Sudan decides to murder a hostage in response to “Draw Mohammed Day”;
We’ll learn the dil-dos and dildon’ts of life in rural Georgia;
And an autistic kid is back on the subway posters. Could this be the work of the Rain Man Maker?

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

So it’s Sunday afternoon and it’s gorgeous outside and I hadn’t settled on what to do this week’s diatribe about yet, so when I wandered out of the store and saw the little church group set up in the parking lot, I said, “what the hell?” and I mosied over. Three women and an old man, all wearing matching teal shirts with something about Jesus on the breast of them. And they had a little sign that said, “Do you have questions? Let us help you find the answer in Christ,” so technically, they were asking for it.

Cause I do have questions. I wasn’t going over there to fuck with them… or, more accurately, I wasn’t just going over there to fuck with them. I really do have questions. I didn’t grow up in a particularly religious household so there’s fundamental shit about the Christian doctrine that makes no sense to me at all.

So I smiled and said hi. And I told them in advance that I was an atheist. I even warned them that I wasn’t looking for a religion or anything, but I did have a lot of questions about the tenets of Christianity. And three of them smiled and the other lady went to get a Coke. And bifocal lady was really nice at first and she said, “We’ll answer you if we can.”

So I lead off with what I considered a softball. I asked them, “What does it mean that Jesus died for my sins?”

She launches into the whole original sin thing and tells me about how we’re all born with sin and we all fall short, but lucky for us god made the ultimate sacrifice and sent his only begotten son to die for us so that we could be redeemed.

And I agreed that yes, those were all words and all, but they didn’t really answer my question. And while we’re on the subject, how, exactly, is god making a sacrifice here? He lives in Heaven. When Jesus died, he ascended to god’s house. So… where’s the sacrifice? It’s like Jesus was active duty.

But she wasn’t quite tangled in her theological web yet so she kept weaving. See, Jesus was god and all the suffering he went through on the cross was actually god suffering. So not only did he have to let his kid go to camp for a really long time, but he also had to be brutally murdered. Ergo, ultimate suffering.

So I reminded her that murder doesn’t really count if you get to come back to life three days later so at best, he was brutally tortured. But even if we call it murder, it’s not like Jesus’s crucifixion makes the top billion of the worst suffering of all time, does it? If you gave me the choice between being crucified or dying of pancreatic cancer I’d bring my own nails. And I that’s even if I don’t get to rise again at the head of a zombie army after three days. So what’s so ultimate about Jesus’s suffering? Fuck, Caligula used to have people executed by having them cut a thousand times over several days. Nero used to crucify people and set them on fire. So Jesus’s suffering wasn’t even all that bad compared to what Romans were doing around that time.

And really, when you consider that he didn’t actually die, his suffering is basically on par with an elbow tattoo. I’d argue that Jesus suffered significantly less than, say, that dude in Iowa that had the hiccups for sixty years. And nobody goes around saying “Charles Osborne hiccuped for your sins” or anything.

And how does one guy suffering abdicate another guy from responsibilities for his sins? And just who set up all this “humanity redeeming” red tape that god had to navigate? And if the sins are preloaded software, what’s god so pissed about? Didn’t he write the software? Does this even make any sense to the people selling it?

But, of course, I never made it that far into my questions. At a certain point the old guy cut bifocal lady off and explained at a certain point you have to set your questions aside and just have faith. At which point I reminded them that their sign specifically asked for questions. And then he politely asked me to leave. And then he impolitely asked me to leave. And then he told me I was going to burn in hell if I didn’t change my evil ways.

So asked for one parting question, and he granted it. I said, “If you’re not allowed to ask these questions, how do you know you have the right religion.” He didn’t answer. But that’s okay… it was rhetorical anyway.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is atheism’s most eligible bachelor, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to woo the lovely ladies out there?

I’m just looking for a girl who appreciates both abortion jokes, and abortion (pause) the procedure … Not her, though. I mean, like … poor people, in general.

In our lead story tonight everyone who keeps saying there’s nothing wrong with Islam needs to shut the fuck up already. This story comes to us from a nation that’s been in a steady decline since the Canaanites were running the show, Sudan; where a recent court ruling sentenced a pregnant woman to death for the charge of switching allegiance to the wrong hypothetical celestial dictator.

What kind of sentence did the fetus get? … Besides “Lifetime Semi-Orphan”? While the court decides this stuff, we’ve got this cool “Schroedinger’s Pussy Cat” thing going on in her box.

Wow… a quantum abortion joke with multiple vaginal puns. That’s, like, eighteen points. Well played, sir. Anyway, Meriem Ibrahim was convicted of marrying a Christian man despite being preordained a Muslim at birth, but as a show of civility, they’re going to let her have the baby before they hang her… and in a show of barbarism, they’re also gonna flog her 100 times for fucking her husband first.

Ok good – I was wondering if they were going to address that. But if you believe she’s going to hell, you don’t give her floggings before a death sentence … That’s a reward, idiots!!!

When you see articles on this story a lot of them get hung up on whether she should really be considered a Muslim at all since she was raised by her single Christian mother, despite the state’s patriarchal system of religious affiliation. But I don’t want to discuss any of that because it detracts from the only thing that should matter about this story, which is that somebody’s going to die because Allah is as fragile as a fourteen year old when it comes to getting dumped.

Pregnant Sudanese woman sentenced to death for apostasy: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/15/sudan-woman-apostasy_n_5331117.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Montana has 2 Senators that are Democrats?” news … Yes it does, and unfortunately the state will continue having 2 such extremely powerful seats, despite Republican Steve Daines, and his sudden ascendance to landslide favorite status against incumbent John Walsh, after said challenger talked six people into voting for him at the Walmart. And if it was just the Republican thing, that would be fine … I’m a de facto racist too … But this guy is on record preaching for creationism in public schools.

And that’s the problem with letting Montana have senators. No offense, Montana, but the fucking Bronx doesn’t have two senators and they’ve got more humans than you.

Here’s what Daines had to say during a 2012 interview on Montana Public Radio: (quote) “I think we should […] teach students that there are evolutionary theories, there’s intelligent-design theories, and allow the students to make up their minds.” (end quote) … Evolution and Genesis aren’t two sides of an argument. One is a proven narrative of biology on Earth. The other is a very specific baseless claim about metaphysical origins of existence. It’s like comparing apples and oranges … to decide which one is better food for unicorns.

But it’s actually worse than that. It’s like deciding whether you should feed your kids apples or oranges… or unicorns.

Daines added, (quote) “Personally I’d like to teach my kids both sides of the equation there and let them come up to their own conclusion on it.” (end quote) … Now I’m not sure if he subscribes to “Math Theory”, but he just put two completely different things on either side of an equals sign, and wants kids to impossibly choose the better side, using historical calculus or something.

“And I’d also like to teach them about proper genital hygiene and teach them to bleach their dicks every night and let ‘em figure out for themselves…”

As I understand it, some of them eventually learn to clean up after they jerk off.

Montana still allowed to have Senators: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/18/rep-steve-daines-possibly-the-next-senator-from-montana-supports-teaching-creationism-in-public-schools

And in “What about the eight commandments I didn’t break?” news tonight, a recent survey adds an exponent to Christian hypocrisy by demonstrating that, to a large extent, Christians are even full of shit about being full of shit. The study, cleverly titled “I Know What You Did Last Sunday” asked two groups of Americans about their church attendance; one through an online survey and the other over the phone. And as it turns out, the easier you make it to lie, the higher their self-reporting of church attendance rose.

So they’re also clearly lying about really believing in God. Or they do believe in God, but they’re so fucking stupid that a temperamental, omnipotent hell-banisher doesn’t scare them enough to tell the truth about stuff.

Of course, we’ve long known that religious people tend to exaggerate their piety on surveys, but these researchers found a clever way to demonstrate this fact. People are much better at lying when they don’t have to do it to a person. And the results are unmistakable: the online group reported regular church attendance almost 50% more than the phone survey.

This is just some anonymous survey … They don’t even have anything to gain by lying. They’re not even good at being bad Christians!!! If you’re gonna sin and let Jesus retroactively die for it, at least get some bang for your buck.

The survey broke the numbers down by denomination and it turned out that Catholics were slightly more full of shit than protestants, though to their credit, Catholic services are both more boring and more likely to end in anal rape, so who can blame them?

Study shows Americans lie about church attendance: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/16/new-study-shows-that-americans-lie-about-how-often-they-really-go-to-church/

And in “Bring out your dead!” news, the Amish – and their refusal to follow basic personal and public health procedures – are behind a measles and mumps revival in Ohio. Considering the group appears to live in 14th-century Europe, plague isn’t far behind. Unvaccinated missionaries contracted the diseases while passing out “books to read while dying” in places like the Phillipines, which aren’t lucky enough to have entirely cured those yet, like we have here …

I know this is off subject and all… but how the fuck did Amish people they get to the Philippines? Did they caulk the wagons? Wire together half a port-o-potty, some sticks and an anthropomorphized volley ball? Anyway, you were saying… fully preventable outbreak of potentially fatal disease caused by intentionally antiquated doctrine?

Let’s put this particular instance of mass stupidity in perspective … According to the Center for Disease Control: (quote) “Before the measles vaccine became available in 1963, the virus infected about 500,000 Americans a year, causing 500 deaths and 48,000 hospitalizations.” (end quote) … Now that ‘half a million’ number is down to well under 300 cases per year. But it only works if people take the fucking panacea!!! Why is that hard to sell?

It’s like a genie asking if you’re sure you don’t want to go for more wishes. “No, I’m happy with thisy-here eight slice toaster and the new spark plugs for my ridin’ mower.”

I’m curious about one particular facet of this story … What do Amish missionaries do? What hermetically isolated aboriginal tribe is begging to learn the miracles of their fancy linkin’ log technology? … They’d show up, and have African kids teaching them how to use soap, and dial-up. Mormons should be visiting the Amish … teaching them to build modern reclusive inbred compounds.

Ohio measles outbreak blamed on Amish missionaries: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/05/14/ohio-measles-outbreak-tied-amish-missionaries/

And in “But who will feed the chupacabras?” news tonight, it appears the Vatican has already solved all its real problems and can now move on to addressing imaginary ones. Sources that have websites that look for real and shit report a sharp increase in the training and certification of Catholic exorcists. The Vatican explains that this is in response to an equivalent rise in demonic possessions. So despite the nonexistent nature of demonic possession and the ubiquitous knowledge of mental diseases, they’ve elected to stick to the throwing water and chanting school of human psychology.

And the Vatican also noted that “Impostor Exorcists” were becoming a big problem … “Bunch of charlatans who never completed the Vatican’s rigorous exorcism safety course. We’re trying to sell Sky Cake over here, and these assholes start popping up out of nowhere with unlicensed Sky Baklava!!! This is bullshit!!!”

The Vatican blames this rise in nonexistent things on another rise in nonexistent things called “the dark arts” that include a mixture of things that do and don’t exist, including black magic, Satanic sacrifices and Ouija boards. So, yes, according to one of the wealthiest and most influential institutions on earth, Milton Bradley is casting demons.

Good, this exorcist army should work out just fine. We’ll get a bunch of priests running around the woods at night, tackling groups of 10-year-olds, just about to spell a word with vector addition. What could go wrong?

Earlier in the year a Catholic exorcist explained the desperate need for more water throwing medicine-chanters by stating that he’d personally assisted in at least 160,000 exorcisms in his career, which basically means one every hour and twenty-eight minutes of his waking life. So apparently they get their understanding of math and neurology from the same century.

Vatican to churn out more exorcists due to rise in demonic possession: http://www.examiner.com/article/catholic-church-increases-exorcism-training-due-to-a-rise-of-demonic-possession

And from the “Secular Healing” file, Melissa Davenport – of Sandy Springs, Georgia – filed suit against the city for enforcing a church-state entanglement law that prohibits the purchase of sex toys without a medical prescription. In my script it says “(insert dildo … joke here)”, so I’ll let you handle that, while I go ahead and get the clock warmed up …

That would be easier if you hadn’t paused so long between dildo and joke. Hold on a second…

Davenport suffers from MS, and sex toys allow her to enjoy naked time despite nerve damage. Despite this obviously counting as an exception to their stupid rule, many Georgian lawmakers – still clinging to the very creepy “Vaginal Paternalism” doctrine – figure she probably just has Pre-MS … Their reasoning goes something like this: “Whether or not God decided to kill her axons and dendrites, and whether or not the clit’s real, he made her a woman, so he clearly didn’t intend for her to cum.”

Dude walks into a store going, “I need a ball gag… I brought a note from my dentist…” Cops breaking down doors… “Do you have a license for that showerhead, ma’am?” This fucking state… Where’s William Tecumseh Sherman when you need him?

I’m confused though … Do you need a doctor’s note to buy a banana, or several large grapes and a string??? … “I’m sorry ma’am, your insurance covers these gerkins, but the cucumbers are considered elective. I think you need to check your dill-dosage again.” … OK no segue needed … 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for the Medicinal Sex Shop” … GO!!!

Alright.., quick visit to the RXXX shop… I guess “Prickorette Phallic Cessation Device” is too easy, huh?

The oral fixation is the hardest part – cigarettes or pole, I assume … Ok, what about …

The Strap-Oncology Ward: “Our Ream-O-Therapy leads to Spray-diation, or your money back.”

How about some kind of blood pressure cuff (slash) penis pump… Engorged with blood-pressure cuff, I guess?

That’s what those things at Duane Reade are for. Makes a lot more sense. We’re getting off track. This is serious! Medical Dildo Store! Focus! … H2O-Face: Colon Hyrdrotherapy Kits

Pepcid AC/DC. It would be… I don’t know, like a lubicidal antacid or something.

The Happy Rear-Ending Personal Massager

How about something for ejaculatory incontinence? A French Trickler of some sort.

“Semi-Colon Tool Softener” … For that gay erection that lasts more than 4 hours.

Did you just say, “gay erection”? They have different erections? Those lucky bastards. Anyway, how about “Per-vert Devil Anal Hamster-Vacs”?

6 Million Dollar Manhood: Prosthetic Third Legs … Better, Longer, Slower

Golden shower curtains? They probably have a whole aisle for anti-piss-tamines.

The new analgesic anti-inflammatory suppository: “Benadryled in the Aspirin”

Yeah, but at KY Mart all the suppositories are ribbed. Um… Bausch and Come spermicidal eye drops.

“The Phallus Chalice Buyers Club” … And yes, that breaks the ice on AIDS jokes, in case you were being a gentleman.

Let’s face it, if I was gentleman I wouldn’t know about the spermicidal eye drops. How about Spermometer brand vibrating rectal thermometers?

The DVDAids Cocktail: By Magic Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson

Woman sues Georgia town over “Dildo by prescription only” law: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/05/16/georgia-woman-sues-town-for-banning-sale-of-sex-toys-without-a-doctors-prescription/

And finally tonight, in “Patriarching Ropes of Jism” news, a seventeen year old attendee at a homeschool prom in Richmond, Virginia was kicked out of the dance last week because she was wearing a prom dress. The alleged immoderate temptress was told that her dress, while meeting the prom’s guidelines for length, was none the less giving some of the boys (quote) “impure thoughts”. The organizers said they’d explored some other methods of keeping the boys at the prom from having impure thoughts, including anesthetics and murdering them, but ultimately landed on kicking the hot chicks out.

Yeah it’s the dress that’s the problem … “That dress may go down to her ankles, but I’d still put my needle in her fabric.” … 17-year-old home-schooled boys could see a girl in sweatpants and t-shirt – covered in vomit – and they’ll be glad they aren’t in sweatpants too.

In a guest post on her sister’s blog titled “Fuck the Patriarchy”, Clare pointed out that if she’s being ogled by a bunch of grown men because her legs are showing, it should really be the responsibility of the grown men to get the fuck out. Fucking perverts. Look, I saw the pictures on her website. She’s underage. Two and a half months from now it would be perfectly okay to beat off of a video of her pissing on a midget, but until then, it’s perverse.

But if the person masturbating is under 17, and the midget is under 17 (do they live much longer than that anyway?), it should be all good … As important as it is for “audience building” to discuss the gray area related to the Legal Lolita Line … interrupt me whenever you- …

17 year old girl kicked out of home school prom for wearing a prom dress: http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/05/13/3437464/teen-girl-prom-impure-thoughts/

And that’ll bring the headlines to a screeching halt for this week. Heath, thanks as always.

Jew-manji!

And when we come back, Lucinda will be here to make jokes about assplay.

Pitch:

In 2014 alone, god will murder 24,000 people with fully preventable bolts of lightning.

He’ll kill another 10,000 by causing the earth to tremble with his rage.

In the time it takes you to listen to this episode, he’ll have starved four hundred and thirty eight children to death.

…unless you listen to us on “fast”, in which case he save-killed only, like three fifty, but still …

In fact, this year alone, god will kill 350 Americans by drowning them in their own toilets.

…but most of them are toddlers, so it’s not actually that funny.

In fact, God is the number one, two, three and four killer in the world right now. And nobody’s fighting back.

…Until now.

We at the Scathing Atheist are committed to bringing this sadistic war criminal to justice.

We’ll stop at nothing to hold god accountable or, failing that, we’ll make jokes about how small his penis is.

…and it must be pretty small if he’s that worried about us praising him all the time.

God and his earthly minions have billions of dollars and billions of adherents on their side. And all we’ve got is a bit of Laphroaig-inspired scatology.

And you can help!

That’s right. By going to Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, you can make a per episode donation that helps us take the fight to Jesus.

That’s right. For one dollar an episode you’ll get longer episodes, you’ll get them before everyone else and we’ll promise to kick god in the nuts in your name if we ever happen across him.

“That’s from Jerry in Astoria, bitch!!!” But for two dollars an episode you’ll get all that stuff, plus a free digital copy of our new book, Diatribes: Volume One, 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope

…and we’ll hammer another nail into Jesus if he ever returns to earth.

That’s also right. But for five dollars an episode, you’ll get all that stuff, plus an autographed paperback copy of that very same book, which you’ll also have a digital copy of.

That continues to be right. And for just ten dollars an episode we’ll pretty much do anything you want except butt stuff.

That’s not exactly right, but we’ll roll with it anyway.

So “yes” on the butt stuff? We’ll pitch. Tell your wealthy atheist catcher friends.

So remember, Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist. Because god is a dick.

Poem – Psalms

At first I was at a loss for what to do for the Psalms poem. I mean, there’s no story or anything to work with, so how was I gonna write a poem about a bunch of crappy poems? So I decided to go with sort of a meta-Psalm. I shot for one poem that would hit on all the major topics of the various Psalms, distilling the essence of 150 shitty poems into one that actually rhymes. So without further ado; Psalms… in rhyme.

Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god; and a god to be adored

Your ways, Yahweh, I’d say that they; betray a gracious lord.

Just look at all the gifts you gift upon your loving flock;

You’re strong and wise and clever, and you’ve got a massive cock.

Your brilliance can’t be measured, by we mere mortal men;

So when you do stuff that seems dumb to us, we must not comprehend.

Your mercy is unmeasurable, except when you get pissed,

And woe to those who anger you, as you’ll fill their assholes with your fist.

Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god; and a god to be revered.

You’re filled with clemency and love, and thus you should be feared.

So thank you god, for though you could, you haven’t struck me down.

You haven’t boiled or sauteed me, or let my children drown.

You could have ripped my eyeballs out, and filled my skull with bees.

You could have filled my face with boils, ‘til it looked like cottage cheese.

You could have lopped my testes off, with a rusty bastard sword,

You could have filled my throat with glass, but you didn’t. Thank you, lord!

Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god, and a mighty god indeed,

So when my foes rise up against me, please make those fuckers bleed.

Please burn their homes to ashes, and rape their kids and wives,

And strike them with big anal warts, that itch throughout their lives.

Give them blistering urethras, then turn their piss to viscous slime;

And when the burning vesicles explode, please add a twist of lime.

Please smite them and their children, with some cancerous disease.

After all you’re so forgiving, so you’ll forgive yourself with ease.

Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god, and god dammit, you’re the shit.

I don’t mean to be a fanboy, here; but you wrote the holy writ.

And in the book you wrote we learn, that you’re the best thing that exists.

And I think I see a tiny spot; of your ass that’s not been kissed.

So let me tell you once again about how impressed we are down here.

And we forgive you for the debacle of a world you’ve engineered.

Your great and good and wonderful, and to you, I tip my hat.

For though you are omniscient, you need me to tell you that.

Bible Story

“Run gather up the young ‘uns folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons Bible Stories for Kids.”

Gather round boys and girls. Today we’re going to open up our bibles to Esther and learn about one of the bible’s lesser known sadistic bitches. Now, Esther was born into a Jewish family at a time when it wasn’t very fun to be a Jew… which is most of the time, historically speaking.

She was raised by her cousin, Mordecai, and looked forward to a life of dejected servitude until one day she got her big break. The king of the whole land of Persia decided that he wanted to have sex with her. So he took her for his harem.

Now, a harem is a big group of women that only the king was allowed to fuck. And every night the women would take turns riding the royal cock, sometimes two or three of them at a time. So Esther patiently waited her turn to wow the king with her sexual acrobatics. You see, boys and girls, all the harem girls knew how to work the shaft and some of them knew how to work the balls, but only Esther knew how to get the prostate involved.

So one night the king called for her, and she fucked him every way but sideways. And he was so impressed he made her the queen. He still kept all the harem girls and boned them on the side, but of all the women he was having sex with, she was his favorite.

And she was happy with this arrangement because it sucked less than being a slave, and she didn’t want to risk her new sugar daddy by telling him she was a Jew, so she didn’t.

But while she was teaching the king about joys of having his salad tossed, some other people were plotting against him. But luckily, Esther’s cousin Mordecai heard about the plot and warned the king, who then had all the people who were going to overthrow him brutally executed before throngs of jubilant masses.

(Hooray!)

And everybody was happy except for one brutish anti-semite named Haman. He was a very successful soldier and had a lot of money and a nice house, but he couldn’t enjoy any of it because he really, really hated Jews. So one day he hatched a plan to kill all the Jews and asked the king if it would be okay.

The king approved the Pogrom but asked if he could do it later. After all, if you’re going to massacre a populace, you should at least give them some warning. And when the Jews found out, they were really scared, so they got weapons and waited for Haman to attack.

But when Esther found out, she decided to do something about it, so she asked the king and Haman to have a banquet with her and they agreed. And while they were eating, Esther said to her husband, “You know how Haman wants to kill all the Jews?”

And he said, “Mm-hmm.”

And she said, “Well I’m a Jew, so that means he wants to kill me!”

And he said, “That’s funny… you don’t look Jewish.”

And she said, “That’s not the point. Either you have Haman killed or you can lick the syrup out of your own asshole.”

So the king had Haman killed and instead of recalling all the soldiers, he just let the Jews kill them. And a relatively high percentage of the people in the story lived happily ever after. The end.

Outro:

Before we snub out the roach tonight, I wanted to recognize a few of the people who make are job easier every week. A lot of our listeners help out in the research department by sending us news items, suggesting diatribe subjects and tossing out ideas for skits and stuff. We always appreciate that and we thank everybody who does it, but there are three people who really go above and beyond, one of whom doesn’t like hearing her name on the podcast and the other two of whom are Paul and (at) WorkMX on Twitter, so to these three valiant and astute listeners, I sincerely thanks you for making my life that much easier.

Also, once more, a huge thanks goes out to all the people who continue to wish Lucinda a speedy recovery… and we also really appreciate the sudden influx of donations while she’s out of work. She’ll be back to work on June 2nd, so if you wanted to keep that influx of donations coming, we sure wouldn’t mind.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but we’ll be back in 168 hours to do Proverbs, which can’t possibly be as bad as Psalms but no doubt still sucks. If you can’t wait that along, be sure to check out some bonus Scatheism on our Facebook page, our Twitter account and our YouTube channel… and yes, I’ll be posting an assload of backlogged stuff on YouTube in the next couple of weeks.

Of course I need to thank Heath for continuing to be an offensive bastard in an endearing way. I need to thank Lucinda for powering through the pain to make dick jokes with us tonight. And, of course, big thanks to Steve for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) exploration of atheist podcast taglines. And believe it or not, he actually had more than that when he sent it, I just had to trim it down to fit into the intro. Anyway, thanks for that, and glad to be in the company of so many fine podcasters… as well as Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most valuable hominids, Peter, Ted, Ullrich, Dave, Danny, Donovan, Jonathan, Matt, Cat, David, Michael and Kenny. Peter, Ted and Ullrich, whose intellects make smartphones self-conscious; Dave, Danny and Donovan, who attract pussy faster than a pen-laser; Jonathan, Matt and Cat, whose cocks outrank Donald Sterling on the “World’s Biggest Dick” list; and David, Michael and Kenny, who are so sexy even their own pheromones want to fuck them.

These twelve exceptional examples of excellence have expedited our expletives this week by giving us money. And since we just did a whole two minute bit about donating to us on Patreon (dot) com (slash) ScathingAtheist, that’s all I’ll say about that. Except thanks.

And if you want to help out but you spent all your money on something frivolous like insulin or ransom, you can help us out for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or Stitcher and telling your friends about the show.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: agnostic podcast, antitheist podcast, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Childrens Bible Stories, Christianity, faith, religion, science, skeptic, the Book of Esther

Episode 63 – Partial Transcript

May 1, 2014 Noah Lugeons 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons with contributions by Adam Reakes

Link to ReasonCon Homepage

Link to Donate on Patreon

Link to Buy the Book

Link to Episode 63

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the final cut due to time constraints.

Warning: This sentence is the only one in the show that has no chance of offending anyone.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Catholic work out plan “8 Minute Abs…olution.” Get ready to kneel, stand, sit, kneel and pray your way to a tone butt, rock hard thighs and a deeply rooted shame of your humanity.

8 Minute Absolution; Catholic Calisthenics at their finest.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s May 1st,

And L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling just won a bet with Mel Gibson.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

And I’m Heath Enwright. And from “Racial Hominy” New York, New York,

And “Kiss My Grits” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

We explore the “Land of Milk and Honey Dipping” with 10,000 lakes nearby,
The state of South Carolina will volunteer to be stupider,
And a group of Christians will protest gay marriage by refusing to swallow.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

You can tell how desperate theists are getting by how deep into the apologetic bag they’re reaching. A listener named Bryan emailed me one the other day that he’d encountered and it may just be the dumbest apologetic you’ve ever heard. I call it “The argument from the properly clotted cock.”

It goes like this. In Genesis, god tells Abraham to circumcise his kids and his slaves and says very specifically that in the future this should always be done when the kid is eight days old. So why eight days? Well, as it turns out, there’s a plasma protein called “prothrombin” that aids in the clotting of blood. Prothrombin comes from Vitamin K and, wouldn’t you know it, is at its peak level in our bodies when we’re (drum roll please) eight days old! Therefore Jesus.

Didn’t follow me there? That’s because you were using logic. Basically, they’re saying that there’s a medical justification for the specificity of Abraham’s proclamation that Abraham couldn’t have possibly known unless god told him so. How could Abraham have possibly known about this peak in prothrombin production thousands of years before science discovered it?

With a little bit of research, this one’s pretty easy to refute. It might not surprise you to learn that the number one complication from circumcision isn’t bleeding to death through your mutilated penis due to a vitamin K deficiency. Now, excessive bleeding is the number one complication and it can, in rare cases, be fatal, but it’s not the one most likely to cause serious problems. That would be glanular amputation, which most of us call accidentally cutting parts off that are regular dick. And, surprise, surprise, the likelihood of that complication goes down the bigger the dick gets. What’s more, it can only be corrected through a surgery that is far more dangerous for an eight day old that it would be for a kid that had more than a week’s experience breathing gasses.

But beyond that, the levels of prothrombin aren’t exactly the single factor in blood coagulation. There’s a host of factors involved and real science informs us that the haemostatic system isn’t fully developed until 3 to 6 months. It also may not surprise you to learn that the neonatal immune system isn’t exactly robust when it comes to fighting off infections.

But all that is pretty secondary when you consider it against the actual ideal time to perform a circumcision, which is fucking never! Maybe god could have divinely inspired them to stop whacking off their baby’s foreskins altogether if he was getting involved anyway. How can there be an ideal time to do something that is neither necessary or good?

So yeah, it’s ridiculously stupid, but that doesn’t mean it’s ineffective. Think about it; from the point of view of a theist who might not be versed in critical thinking, it sounds convincing. And odds are pretty good that if somebody suddenly sprung this one on you, you wouldn’t have the foreknowledge of coagulants and circumcision complications necessary to dismantle it. That’s why apologists love shit that centers around bacterial flagellums or Boltzmann Brains or geological minutia. Odds are nobody in the room can refute it.

So what do you do when you come across something like this? If somebody sprung this on me at a convention I wouldn’t have the pre-googled details or anything for my rebuttal. So what I’d probably do is say “prothrombin” three times with an increasingly incredulous inflection.

Prothrombin. Prothrombin? Prothrombin!? Really? Your proof for god rests in a plasma protein you never heard of before you came across this argument? Are you fucking kidding me? So if prothrombin levels peaked at 10 days, that would disprove the bible, right? Cause isn’t that exactly what god said in Genesis 17:12? “And lo, on the eighth day a vital coagulant will be in abundance in thy infant” No? So you’re admitting that this is a bet you can only win.

Yeah, if you cherry pick both the bible and the science you can assemble a series of unrelated facts and make ‘em sound Jesusy, but that’s not how science works. You didn’t have a group of scientists trying to figure out why the rate of complication from circumcision was so much lower in precisely 8 day old infants; you had a bunch of religiously motivated whackaloons data mining every obscure medical and biblical fact with the hopes that somewhere two of them lined up.

So nevermind the fact that virtually every word of the bible is contradicted by science. Nevermind that I can point to 1000 passages that betray a remarkable lack of knowledge about the world and how it works. You’ve got your one stupid fact and if you dress it up just right and put some makeup on it and make sure we don’t see it from the left or from behind, we won’t realize that you pulled it out of a reeking mound of triceratops shit.

So here’s my advice to Bryan and anybody else who finds themselves at the receiving end of this “Science confirms my holy book” argument. Ask them “So if I could find a place where the science didn’t line up with the bible, you’d admit that it wasn’t divine right? If science is the yardstick we’re measuring by here?”

Believe me, that should end the debate pretty quick.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is stalwart defender of the black man, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to discuss the latest racism scandal in the NBA?

Well I’ve got my finger to the pulse of African American culture, and the word is that Los Angeles Clippers soon-to-be-ex-owner Donald Sterling is an enormous racist. Just look at the Clippers roster … He clearly has some sort of problem with white people. They only have two white dudes on that team, and I’m counting Blake Griffin as one of them.

So yeah, even if you grade him on a lenient curve. I guess it’s a good thing they punished him by removing any obligation he had to sit in an arena full of the mongrel races like whites and swedes.

In our lead story tonight, in “What are atheists good at?” news, the survey says … it’s not raping kids. Demonstrating that the particular brand of religious nonsense doesn’t matter, self-professed Wiccan warlock Jim Irvin of West Virginia promised to perform acts of magic on a sick mother, in exchange for sexual favors from her 3, 9, and 13-year-old children. He will not pass go, nor will he collect 200 dollars on his way to jail, despite his sincerely held religious beliefs otherwise.

And as horrible as it is, I fucking love this story. Because every time I make the point that it isn’t this religion or that religion, it’s religion, somebody invariably emails me and says, “You forgot to exclude Wiccans!” and I have to say, “No the fuck I didn’t!” and now that’ll be followed by a link.

This is tragic. Just think: If the kids were atheist, they would have at least gotten some real medical treatment, in exchange for all those sticky little hand jobs.

And even if it was an alternative medicine guru, maybe he would have let the kids get away with homeopathic handjobs, which are basically just subtle junk-adjustments.

And on the other side of the coin … At least one study shows that when you offer to perform atheist acts on someone’s dying mother, they’re much less willing to blow you.

I’m just gonna tell myself you read it on PubMed and move on…

Now of course, most religions are – at least on paper – against pedophile activity as well. But if, say Christian God changed his mind about that particular issue, millions of people would actually start raping kids. Atheists – as a group – would continue not doing that. How does the morality scale work again??? Did we win??? Did I break it???

I don’t know if it was you, but yes, it is definitely broken.

Wiccans can molest kids, too: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/21/police-wv-magical-warlock-coerced-sex-from-kids-by-promising-to-cure-ill-mother/

And from the “Would Somebody Just Persecute Me Already?” file tonight, we bring you the twisted tale of Todd Starnes desperate and shameful attempt to plug his new book by religion-whoring his publicist’s toddler. The story began when the five year old daughter of one Marco Perez allegedly accused a teacher at her school of stopping her when she tried to pray.

Yeah the kid sounds a little ‘precocious’ (read: ‘lying’).

“What did you do at school today, honey?”

“I drank milk, ate paste, and then I debated my Kindergarten teacher on the constitutionality of the landmark Engel vs. Vitale decision.”

Perez did what any parent who is the Vice President of the Christian publishing firm handling Todd Starnes upcoming book about Christian persecution in America would do and made no effort whatsoever to follow up with his daughter’s school. Instead he posted a video on YouTube where his daughter explained the intricacies of legitimate issues of secular encroachment. By a coincidence that smacks of either divine intervention or a despicable lack of ethics, Todd Starnes picked up on this story and ran with it.

What story?!? This is nothing! It’s a kid throwing blocks, and then lying about praying instead. It’s a crotch injury away from a Bob Saget unfunny video.

Upon hearing about this in the local news, the school conducted an investigation and apologized to the parents for the perceived slight, though they pointed out that not only could they not confirm any of the details of the story, but they couldn’t even find evidence that the accused teacher was anywhere near the lunchroom when this supposedly happened.

Did they check Kevin Sorbo’s alibi? Was Hercules, that fucking polytheist, anywhere near the lunch room?

But apparently apologizing and not doing it in the first place wasn’t enough for Perez, who is now threatening to sue the school for… get this shit… publicly pointing out that the public accusation he made was baseless. Because apparently publicly damning someone is only okay if you don’t verify the facts first.

Parents make up bullshit story about kid not being allowed to pray; threaten to sue school: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/28/family-threatens-lawsuit-after-fl-school-finds-no-evidence-child-stopped-from-praying/

And in “Invisible Hand Job” news, there’s nothing about badly educating black people in the Bible, so South Carolina Republican Ray Moore – as part of his campaign for lieutenant governor – is proposing that we dismantle the public school system entirely, in favor of free market solutions like government-subsidized tax-exempt church schools. Apparently only creationist science can defeat China.

I was just thinking South Carolinians were too smart for their own good.

Moore believes public schools – or (quote) “Pharoah’s Schools” – and other such distribution centers of true information to poor people – pose a serious threat to Christians. Texas Republican Dan Patrick – campaigning to become Rick Perry’s fluffer – expressed similar sentiments, suggesting that Texas public schools indoctrinate students with anti-American, left-wing, and environmental propaganda.

That explains why all the Texans are such anti-American, left-wing environmentalists, I suppose.

Perhaps these two ‘assistant to the gubernatorial candidates’ aren’t aware that the set of all things not written in the Bible is infinitely large … Especially considering that we did – in fact – evolve from filthy, infinite monkey men. But now that we’re on the subject … I dont remember a single mention in the Bible about Hindu people. Should we legislate them out of existence too???

I checked this afternoon and it turns out that there’s also nothing in the bible that forbids filling Ray Moore’s parlor with hungry hyenas with rabies, so I thought our South Carolina listeners might like to know.

SC Republic wants to end public schools “Cause their ain’t nothin’ in the bible about ‘em” http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/25/sc-republican-wants-to-end-public-schools-nothing-in-the-bible-about-state-education/?onswipe_redirect=no

And in “Do I hear 80?” news tonight, a group of Christians in Virginia are calling for a forty day fast in protest of gay marriage. The hate group in sheep’s clothing warns that the coming homo-pocalypse is all but inevitable if Christians don’t stand up against the forces of equality.

Ghandi made it for 21 days, but he wasn’t Christian, so we’ll see what happens. I think it’s gonna backfire. You get to day 30 of a hunger strike, and all of sudden, eating a dick doesn’t sound so bad.

Unsure of how being uncomfortably hungry will influence gays to give up their quest for equality, the group instead compares their struggle to David and Goliath because when you’re trying to oppress a group that’s 40 times smaller than you, it’s good to distract people from that.

But I would love to watch a bunch of delirious, starving Christians attack a gay wedding with pebbles and slingshots.

In their defense, the Family Foundation has a piece on their website that explains that they’re not planning a “hunger strike”, they’re planning a “fast”, which, as they explain tediously, they mean in the 1770s sense of the word, which they then go on to explain has nothing to do with not eating, but instead means “abstaining from Twitter.” And no, I’m not making that up, that’s what they say on their own fucking website.

Christians to stage 40 day hunger strike against same sex marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/25/virginia-christians-prepare-for-40-day-hunger-strike-against-same-sex-marriage/?onswipe_redirect=no

And from the “Twin Shitties” file, federal judges in Minneapolis are set to decide whether the United States will officially recognize the self-proclaimed micro-nation called “Kingdom of Heaven”. The imaginary place in question currently has two alleged citizens: Dennis May and his wife Tami.

Didn’t work out so well for Peter Griffin…

And if this story didn’t write itself already, the couple also happens to operate a sewage excavation and treatment company in suburban Coon Rapids. Tami is under indictment for hundreds of thousands of dollars in tax fraud, but insists they don’t have taxes in heaven kingdoms. Then again, she also claims paradise is operating a shit carting business in Minnesota, so …

If it is, I’m perfectly willing to be wrong about the whole atheism thing. If all the religious people walk through the gate and instead of streets of gold or virgins or their own planet or whatever, it’s that fecophelia scene from Jurassic Park, except it was snowing. Like, I would gladly go and spend my eternity in hell as long as I got to see the look on a few of their faces when St. Peter hands them elbow length gloves and a shovel.

When this case is over, and they free up a little manpower, maybe the IRS can send a couple interns to work on getting back the estimated 80 billion dollars in revenue that we already lose every year due to religious tax exemptions. And I’m not saying nobody should be tax exempt, but you have to earn that sort of thing … If religious groups want huge special privileges like that, we get to genocide you like the Native Americans first, and all the churches are required to have slots and poker.

But to be fair, the synagogues just have to add the slots and poker.

Render unto Caesar bitches: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/30/i-dont-know-how-the-irs-caught-this-sneaky-tax-evader/

And in “You can have my bacon when you take it from my greasy, dead hands” news, nearly 200 Subway restaurants in the UK have kowtowed to pressure from Muslim groups and removed ham and bacon from their menus entirely. In an effort to be more inclusive to their Muslim customers, they’ve introduced Halal meats in these shops; and in an effort to be less inclusive to everyone else, they’ve taken away all the other shit.

We’re already putting more pigs in the NY subways to keep all the Muslims out.

Ultimately this is a tiny little story and it’s not a huge deal or anything, but it’s worth reporting on for two reasons. One, it demonstrates the fact that it’s not enough for religious people to deny themselves something; they also want to deny you that thing.

…See, for example, orgasms…

And two, our love for bacon will unite Americans against Sharia law in a way that acid attacks against women somehow fail to. And if you don’t believe me consider that stop and frisk was starting up at the same time that New Yorkers were rising up in one voice to protect their right to buy Pepsi by the bucket.

Subway in UK removes Ham from 200 stores to placate Muslims: http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2014/04/30/subway-muslim-customers-fast-food/8507373/

And in “Soul-Crushing Job” news, Italian sculptor Enrico Job’s enormous crucifix in honor of Pope John Paul the 2nd claimed it’s first life besides Jesus, when the 1320-pound savior-portion of the structure may or may not have sprung to life and tackled to death 21-year-old Marco Gusmini. Miraculously, he had a bible in his front pocket, which was only slightly harmed in the crushing incident.

See, I think that to be fair this should count as a minus one on John Paul the 2nd’s miracle count so he should have to be de-sainted or asterisked or otherwise Pete Rosed in some way.

According to his settlement in Outrageous Claims Court, Gusmini goes straight to heaven automatically, his roommate gets a 4.0 GPA for the semester, and he gets to slap God in the face once really hard with everyone watching. And everyone says: “OHHHHHHH!!!”

I wonder, though, because a lot of times when you see this kind of stuff it turns out the dude teased the statue first or provoked it in some way. So I don’t want to rush to blame Jesus on this one.

Besides adding to the list of reasons to avoid “Torture Sculptures”, this story also makes for a good horror movie, with Jesus as the homicidal maniac that can appear wherever there’s a cross. Those assholes in the Bible Belt, with enormous eyesore crosses, get Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man sized Jesus attacking the town. So I guess we’ll call this the “Holy Ghostbusters List” … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Horror Movies” … GO!!!

The Burned Witch Project

Good Friday the 13th

The Texas Public Education Massacre… that one scares me to this day.

Pulp Crucifixion … “God’s dead, baby. God’s dead.”

The Chaplain in the Woods? …with the wood?

Incestual Arranged Bride of Frankenstein

Easter Morning of the Living Dead

I Know Who You Fingered at Bible Camp Last Summer

What Ever Happened to Baby Jesus?… and the few people who got that love me for it.

Transformers: Revenge of Alpha Omegatron

I Apostled with a Zombie

The Iraqi Horror Picture Show

Gland of the Dead

Ralien vs. Sexual Predator

A sequel to “Rosemary’s Post-pubescent but still way too young to fuck Kid”, I think.

But no doubt not too young for the old ‘Roman War Helmet’ … And as a trusted source for google suggestions, try out a search for “roman war helmet”.

Live and die by the cross: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-27145931

And make sure you turn off safe search. And while you’re doing that we’ll wrap up the headlines. Heath, thanks as always.

Baha’i-anara, bitches!

And when we come back, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast will join Heath and I to decide which one of us should fuck my wife.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the theoretically monthly few minutes we set aside to get you caught up with all the great atheist, secular and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world. Secular get togethers are in full swing now, so if you want in on some of the events coming up in June and July, you’ll want to start making plans now.

On June 14th in London the Center for Inquiry is hosting an awesome sounding event called “God in the Lab: The Science of Religious Belief”. The topic lines are great and I’m getting shit for not including more British events, so there you go. Definitely check out their website though, because it they sell it way better than I am.

http://centreforinquiry.org.uk/?p=911

The weekend of the 21st of June the SSA will be holding the Western half of their bi-not really coastal but on that half of the country anyway meetings in Phoenix, Arizona. The other half will be in Columbus, Ohio the weekend of July 12th.

https://www.secularstudents.org/2014con

Of course, the biggest of the big and the one I’m desperately hoping to stow aboard some landing gear to get to this year is the Amazing Meeting in Vegas July 10th to 13th. Daniel mother-fuckin’ Dennett is the keynote; but they’ve also got DJ Grothe, Julia Galef, the SGU guys, Michael Shermer and Eugenie Scott, plus the one and only Geo Hrab hosting so holy shit… if somebody donates TAM tickets and airfare and a place to stay while I’m there I will compliment your genitals to unprecedented levels.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

Also wanted to throw a shoutout to the North Texas Secular Convention… I believe there’s a bit of a mix up for them and they had to delay the date so I’m not 100% sure when it’s happening, but the last I heard they were gonna have Greta Christina, Elyse Anders and friend of the show Darrel Ray there, so worth keeping abreast of them as well. Should be late July, early August, but right now their website doesn’t have an exact date.

http://www.ntxsecularcon.com/

That’s it for the June/July calendar, but a quick reminder on the May calendar. This weekend is ReasonCon and they moved to a larger venue so there may still be free tickets available by the time this episode airs. Hope to see you there. You can find a link to more info on ReasonCon and all the events discussed in the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Skit “The RadioCarbon Dating Game”

Hello ladies and Gentlemen! I’m your host Chip Shipley and it’s time for another episode of “The RadioCarbon Dating Game”! We’ve got three eligible but religiously bigoted bachelors who will only date a woman who shares their taste in omnipotent daddy figures and one religiously unaffiliated bachelorette. So without further ado, let’s meet our contestants!

First, straight from Williamsburg, New York and representing the oldest of the Abrahamic faiths, Chacham Leibovitz. Chacham, how do you feel about your chances?

As a Jew I’m obligated to assume the worst.

Very well. And representing the Islamic faith is Al Ma’ahi Almuk. Al Ma’ahi, are you excited?

No, because my faith forbids all forms of joy.

Huh… I expected you to sound less white.

Cat Stevens was a white Muslim, you racists!!! … And I don’t do voices.

Alrighty then. And lastly, representing Christianity is Ray… Shmomfort?

That’s right.

Shouldn’t that read Ray Comfort?

Don’t be ridiculous. That guy’s married and adultery is a sin. So I’m some other bloke, definitely not me.

It’s not premarital sex, if you don’t marry the girl.

That’s right, Deuteronomy 22:28 and 29…

Are you sure you’re not Ray Comfort? Because you have the porn mustache and everything.

Look, I’m Shmomfort, got it? Just call me Ray.

Whatever helps you sleep at night. And of course, these three questionably eligible gentlemen will be vying for the hand of tonight’s lovely bachelorette, so let’s give a round of applause to the beautiful Fannie Phillup!

Fannie, you look lovely tonight.

Thanks, Chip.

Now as I’m sure you’re aware, all three of our bachelors told our producers they would only date a woman who shares their religious conviction so you’re here tonight not just to choose a date, but to choose a god. Are you ready to do that?

I’m ready, Chip! And I’d appreciate it if you stopped staring at my boobs.

Well I’m not going to, but you’ll get used to it. So feel free to question our bachelors in any sexy way you choose.

Okay, my first question is for Al Ma’ahi (butchering name). Al Ma’ahi, if I was your Muslim girlfriend, where would you take me on our first date?

I don’t recall giving you permission to speak.

Oh… well, may I have your permission to speak?

I suppose.

Fuck you. My next question is for Chacham. If I was your Hasidic girlfriend, where would you take me on our first date?

To my mother’s house for approval.

Hm…Right. Ray, same question.

I’d take you somewhere I would be revered as a God amongst men. So it could be pretty much anywhere. Crematoriums, supermarkets… Probably a church, though, so we could share in our mutual love for Jesus.

Wow (sarcastically) this just keeps getting better. My next question is also for Ray. What kind of music would you listen to while we made love.

Well hold on now… our relationship would be restricted to intimate handholding and me “accidentally” brushing my hand across your boobs now and again until we were married.

…Good, because I otherwise I would have to throw acid at her…

But to answer your question, probably Nickelbuck.

Wait, Al Ma’ahi, you didn’t bring acid with you today, did you?

I feel like you want me to say … No?

Um…

My next question is for Chacham, I guess. What’s the craziest place you would ever make whoopie?

What the hell is the “whoopie”?

Um… making love.

And you want to know what now?

Where is the craziest place you’d ever do it?

The craziest in what way? You want we should have sex in an asylum or something?

I just mean the most unusual.

Oh… Sheboygan, I suppose.

Nevermind. My next question is for Al Ma’ahi. If we got married and had kids, what would you want our kids to grow up to be?

Boys.

Wow…

(interrupting) …Males…

Alright… Ray…

(interrupting) … Y chromosomes all the way…

Alright! Anyway, Ray, if I was your Christian girlfriend, where would you see us in ten years?

Raptured to Heaven watching all the sinners burn in torment for not taking me more seriously about the bananas.

What?

Oh, I mean for not taking Ray Comfort more seriously about the bananas.

Okay, Al Ma’ahi, if one of my friends flirted with you, would you tell me?

How would I know it wasn’t you, given the veil?

Alright, Fannie, we’ve got time for one more question before you make your decision, so make it an important one.

Okay, Chacham, if I was your jewish girlfriend, could I expect a lot of oral?

Urgh… only if you washed it before and during and never on the Sabbath.

Hm. Al Ma’ahi, same question.

I only eat that stuff if it’s from a Halal butcher. Would you consider circumcision?

Wow. Seriously dude!? And Ray? Oral sex?

Sinful and debaucherous and worthy of an eternity of torment in hell.

Alright, Fannie, time to make your choice.

Hm… how about you Chip? You go down?

I’m an atheist and I can breathe through my ears.

I guess I’ll pick you then.

What!? That’s not fair! You can’t do that. My faith is easier to pick than a broken nose, let alone that guy!

Ray, I’d like you to very carefully hand me that glass. And don’t drink from it or let it touch your skin.

This one?

Yeah, the ‘Halal Clear Liquid’ … The one that says HCL.

Nope. I’m the host and I make the rules. Don’t hand him that glass. Excellent choice, Fannie. Well that’s it for our show this week. I’m Chip Shipley reminding all the ladies out there to support women’s rights by fucking an atheist.

Outro:

Before we blow our load this week, I need to thank the incomparable Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for channeling Ray Comfort for us tonight; but I also wanted to make you aware of a very cool fundraiser he’s doing. There’s too much detail to squeeze into the outro of this show, but here’s the elevator pitch: Adam is trying to help raise money for an atheist in need by auctioning off a hand-crafted wooden cow.

Here’s hoping that sentence piqued your curiosity. I strongly encourage you to get more details at Herd Mentality Podcast (dot) com; it’s for a really good cause, it’s a really cool cow and I know from experience that we have extraordinarily generous listeners. You can listen to episode 56 of his show to get the long and short of it and if I haven’t already convinced you, I should point out that right after he spills the beans about the cow auction, he interviews Lawrence Krauss… so there’s plenty of reasons to listen to that show.

I also wanted to let you know about a Twitter project I’ve got going this week. As you may know, we’re about to hit the halfway mark in the Bible in preparation for Psalms next week. Now, the book is way too long for us to go into our customary “Holy Babble” level of detail, so leading up to that, I’ll be tweeting an atheist’s summary of each of the 150 psalms starting at midnight tonight. I’ll tweet one every hour, which means I’ll be finishing up a couple hours before next week’s episode is released.

And if that’s not enough of a reason to follow us on Twitter, I’ll also be Tweeting from ReasonCon this weekend to let you know what an awesome time you’re missing out on. That’s (at) Noah (underscore) Lugeons, L-U-G-E-O-N-S. And if you don’t want to sift through the tweets, I’ll also be releasing a full list of the 150 Tweets on the blog shortly after the episode airs.

Alright, so one more quick thanks to Adam. I need to thank Heath for leaving some of the dick jokes for the rest of us. I need to thank Lucinda for being so cute and charismatic that she’ll make up for my socially-awkward misanthropy this weekend when we’re meeting our listeners for the first time. And of course, I need to thank Don and the Secular Student Alliance at Georgia Southern University for (a) providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and (b) having the nerve to be part of the Secular Student Alliance at a university in South Georgia. Well done guys and gals.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s best people; Max, Adam, Richard, Dan, CincyPharmer, Alfred, Taben, Graham, Cherie, Magnus, AJ and Rachel. Max, Adam and Richard whose ejaculations can only be described as Vesuvian; Dan, CincyPharmer and Alfred, whose posters Kryptonian kids have on their walls; Taben, Graham and Cherie, who are so secular god knows better than to fuck with them after they sneeze; and Magnus, AJ and Rachel, who are so fast they make Mr. Miyogi look like a pansy for needing that second chopstick.

These twelve laudable listeners, also known as the Spotless Dozen, have helped to postpone the impending dick joke famine this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the mortality, vitality and sensuality it takes to give us money, but if you think the world needs more secular healing, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist. You can make a per episode donation there and in return you get every episode earlier, you get ten to thirty per cent more episode every week and, depending on how much you donate, you get a bunch of other cool shit, too. And if you want to forego the cool shit and make a one time donation, you can do that by clicking on the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but spending money isn’t your style, you can also help us a ton by giving us a five star review on iTunes, and thanks, by the way, to all the lovely listeners that heeded our call for more iTunes reviews last week. It really means a lot to us.

Oh, and if you like to get your podcasts on the go, check out the Stitcher App and listen to us there. That helps us out, too.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: Adam Reakes, antitheism, atheism, atheism podcast, atheist, atheist podcast, Ray Comfort, science, skeptic

Episode 62: Partial Transcript

April 24, 2014 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

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Link to Quranify Me Podcast

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Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the final edit due to time constraints.

Warning: I’m guessing these motherfuckers are gonna cuss.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new discrete website for funding international terrorism, Pay-Palestine. Are you secretly sending ammunition and RPGs to starving people who need medicine and calling it humanitarian aid? Are international sanctions fucking up your lavish lifestyle? Do you just really need an assload of fertilizer for legitimate purposes and don’t want to wind up on a government watch list? Then try the only financial service provider less transparent than the Vatican bank.

Pay-Palestine; Mullahs moving moolah.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s April 24th,

And Hitler shared a rebirthday with Jesus last Sunday.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright. And from “Au Juicy” New York, New York,

And “Freedom Dipped” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

Goys R Us and FaoSchwitz Toy Stores inexplicably fill up with Jews not seeking toys,
The earth will be destroyed in a fiery catastrophe,
And Paul from Quranify Me will join us to help earn that elusive fatwa.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

I got an email a while back from a listener named Howard that expounded on what he called “Igtheism”. The concept breaks down like this: The question on the test reads “Do you believe in God?”. Option A is yes, which is a theist, of course. Option B is no, which is an atheist. For the purposes of this example, Option C is “insufficient information” and that’s your layman’s-definition agnostic. Option D, the one for Igtheist, would basically be “What the fuck are you talking about?”

The point is that I can know enough about your religion to reject it without having the blindest clue exactly what I’m rejecting. What the hell does it even mean to “believe in god?” What is god? I asked a Christian to define god and his first answer was “well, he’s not an old man sitting on a cloud somewhere.” And until then I had no idea that the definition of god was interchangeable with the one for pancakes and butt-lube, which are also not old men sitting on clouds somewhere.

So let me share with you my latest “Igtheist” moment. I was at an “Ask an Atheist” event last week and, of course, we’re talking about morality. In particular, there’s a Muslim girl asking why we don’t rape and murder people if god isn’t there to punish us for it. Now, obviously the question was disingenuous… either that or she hated her life so much she just knowingly walked into a room of murdering rapists, but during the discussion I pointed out that in the Christian religion there’s nothing that forbids murderers and rapists from going to Heaven. I pointed out that, in fact, one need not do a single decent thing in their life provided they take Christ as their personal savior and sincerely ask to be forgiven… and then just to be an asshole I turned to the Christians in the room and said, “Right?” And they reluctantly agreed and it was awesome.

So the Muslim girl is carrying on undeterred and during the “No True Scotsman” portion of her act she turned to a Christian girl and said, “To you, what does it mean to be a Christian?” and apparently she expected a succinct answer. And what she got, to the surprise of not one single atheist in the room, was neither succinct nor an answer.

Instead she launches into the whole “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship” spiel and offers up this stuttering, disjointed, imperfect recollection of the thing her preacher was saying that day when she got all tingly. There was a mountain in there somewhere and god was on top of it and we couldn’t get to him so he sent Jesus down to put together some kind of HOV bypass lane or something. And there was some stuff about love, maybe a series of random “Family Circus” captions and a Captain Planet monologue. And Jesus loved her.

And if there had been a mildly polite way of saying it, I’d have loved to ask her at the end, “Now, did that actually make sense to you? All of those words that you just used… in the order you used them? That represents a coherent thought to you?”

Think about this for a second. If you ask the average Christian what it means to be a Christian, not a single fucking one of them can explain it sensibly. And when you try to get some detail out of them, they get frustrated and angry.

What does it mean that Christ died for my sins? How does that even make sense? And doesn’t that mean I should sin like crazy so Jesus gets his money’s worth?

What do you mean God is Love? Can I apply the reflexive property and make sweet god by the fire? And does the transitive property mean that God is a battlefield?

And despite this universal inability to attach a meaningful definition to their proposal, they defend it passionately… and get pissed at you for not accepting their nebulous assertion.

Imagine some guy out on the street with a petition to… whatever… to ban animal testing, let’s say. And you ask him “what is animal testing?” and he says, “well… animal testing is… it’s love, you know? It’s like, sort of… um… imagine there’s a mountain…”

And yet right now there are countless people vociferously defending a religion they can’t explain. But how the hell can you be passionate about something you can’t even define?

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is horrible role model Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to inspire kids to drink and do drugs?

Remember kids, drugs and alcohol make you funnier and more popular. Is a few hours of euphoria worth becoming funny and popular over?!?

In our lead story tonight, Hobby Lobby’s theological dictator is one step closer to actualizing his plan of forcibly Christianizing the nation this week now that the Mustang, Oklahoma school board has voted to adopt the controversial “Everyone should agree with my religion” course that he’s trying to implement in American schools.

I remember that class … It was right between recess … and lunch.

It was surveys, yeah… The course, as outlined, brilliantly blurs the lines of church/state separation by promising to focus on the composition and history of the bible. Green insists that this is not about evangelism, because we all know how Southern Baptists love to forego evangelism in favor of academic and secular critiques of the bible.

We already have a secular critique of the Bible … called history class. It’s an entire class about all the things that actually happened. But everything in the Bible is true, so I don’t know what Christian parents are worried about? If it happened, it’s gotta be in the history books, right?

A number of people disagree with Hobby Lobby president Steve Green’s assertion that this course is not intended to indoctrinate children, including Hobby Lobby president Steve Green. In a 2013 speech that he’s desperately trying to distance himself from, Green said that the his goals for the curriculum were to show that bible is true; that the course would one day become mandatory and that it will teach students that (quote) “when we apply [the bible] to our lives in all aspects of our life, that it has been good.” (end quote), which he probably didn’t realize was a tacit approval of the Inquisition, the Crusades and Justin Bieber’s career.

There’s a reason history class doesn’t need a 4-year sister course called “No seriously, history is true”.

The curriculum itself is not yet available for review but some details have already been revealed, including the fact that it contains a section on how later scientific discoveries confirm biblical accounts and how Jesus worship led to gender and racial equality. No word yet on how they will deal with the mountains of evidence that disprove almost every detail in the biblical narrative or the parts about buying your rape victims.

Hobby Lobby head promotes new biblical curriculum for public schools: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/04/15/hobby-lobbys-steve-green-another-project-public-school-bible-curriculum/

And in “Snape Shot First” news, six people who turned out not to be evil sorcerers were killed when several hundred angry villagers in Papua New Guinea ambushed a neighboring town, hoping to lynch some residents they believed to be evil sorcerers. Two important lessons here: 1) Faith continues to cause murderous posse activity, and 2) Nobody likes magicians – even the ones that don’t exist.

With the exception of friend of the show “Eli Bosnick”, whom everyone loves, I agree. That being said, I don’t think we should jump to conclusions here. Since these brutal murders, there hasn’t been a single recorded case of necromancy on the island.

And documented cases of alchemy are down too, so I guess it’s working. Torches and pitchforks are Allah-Kazaam’s worst nightmare. The Mind Freak stops levitating and starts talking real fast: “Sorcery?!? No, no, no, no. Look, there’s a mirror under the table. And it’s joined in the middle, and there’s a spring around it … It pops it open when it’s inside the tube. Yeah, I’m a complete fraud.”

Which reminds me, I haven’t plugged my “Send Uri Geller to Papua New Guinea” Kickstarter for a while…

There is no Spooooon Man!!! I’m okay if Soundgarden goes with him.

Six killed in witchhunt in Papua New Guinea: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-04-16/an-png-sorcery-killings/5395726

And in “Separation of Church and Do What Now?” news tonight, state representative Thomas Carmody has pulled his controversial bill that sought to make the King James Bible the official “state book” of Louisiana. The bill faced strict opposition for not being inclusive; with representative Stephen Ortego pointing out that the state book should be inclusive to all Louisiana citizens who accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior; not just the ones who use the King James version of the inerrant and unchanging word of god.

So scores of Muslim families continue converging on Louisiana, but now when they look up the state book, they’ll drop their Korans for Esperanto Bibles?

Carmody eventually withdrew his divisive bill, though he was careful to point out that it had nothing to do with respecting secular boundaries or not thinking Jesus was the shit. Instead, he realized that Louisiana’s 49th ranked state education system means most of his constituency can’t read anyway.

49th in state education … The new Ignorance-Betraying Chant of Louisiana should be : “Pen-Ultimate! Pen-Ultimate!”

Sorry, the survey in question included DC so it’s actually “Ante-pen-ultimate”… but they won’t know the difference. Anyway, we’ve now turned state fossils and state books into proxy wars for church state separation. If some republican ass-bubble introduces a bill that somehow incorporates religion into the decision on the official state soil, I have bingo.

Louisiana lawmaker withdraws proposal to make the bible the state book: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/04/21/lawmaker-shelves-proposal-to-name-bible-as-louisiana-state-book-says-had-become/

And in “You pray for oxygen, and I’ll breathe” news, Oregon parents Travis and Wenona Rossiter think medicine is for suckers, but more importantly they’re also terrible at praying, so their 12-year-old daughter died of treatable diabetes and complications related to negligent filicide.

To be fair, their entire religion is based on the virtue of filicide.

Their fundamentalist church teaches that prayer is the only kosher cure for anything, but during their manslaughter trial (which is a really nice way of saying murder-your-child trial), they don’t want the jury to know their motive was Jesus. Because it would be unfair to prejudice the jury with truths. And for some reason Judge Daniel Murphy has already ruled that past incidents of almost killing their daughter are irrelevant to this case, because this one is about actually succeeding in killing their daughter.

And what the hell is their secular excuse for disregarding their kid to death, exactly? I mean… do they think that the jury will be more sympathetic to sentencing a child to a slow and painful death as long as they weren’t praying?

Should we also be allowed to do other equally helpful things, like NOTHING?!? Since the success rates are exactly equal, you should also be allowed to sit there and watch the child die while you do absolutely nothing, or play Nintendo, or throw handfuls of sugar pills at them. They must use a different placebo in diabetes research.

Yeah, but you have to wonder if they learned that the hard way. You know, for years there were these two diabetes researchers who thought they had the midas touch. “Everything we think to test is performing better than sugar pills! We’re geniuses!”

This type of absurdity shows one of the biggest problems with religion, as manifested in today’s society. Yes, in some stupid technical sense, everyone has a right to their bullshit opinion … But you don’t get to smear your bullshit on other peoples faces. And you DEFINITELY don’t get special privileges for being wrong … extra-confidently. And also you can’t murder kids.

Do religious exemptions include murdering children?: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/22/faith-healing-parents-who-let-their-daughter-die-dont-want-jurors-to-know-about-their-religious-motive

And from the “Yeah, it’s probably bullshit but we’re reporting on it anyway” file tonight, the award noticing website “Black News (dot) com” is reporting that a new religion was recently founded in Atlanta that replaces tired old Jesus with the equally musically talented Beyonce. Church founder Pauline Andrews insists that Beyonce is divine, adding, “no seriously”.

She’s divine, but she can’t even beat Taylor Swift on award night?

Or write a song. But other than that, omnipotent. Pauline, who is either a dude or the victim of a poorly proofed pronoun, asks us to (quote) “consider what is more real; an invisible spirit on high or…” and it doesn’t really matter what he said after that because nothing sounds stupid when you compare it to theistic beliefs. The National Church of Bey is believed to be the first religion to crowdsource the writing of their holy book, which they’ve cleverlessly titled “The Beyble”.

What about “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying: From J to Z” ???

Well, he is the Iota and the Zeta. So based on what I know of Beyonce, I’m guessing that some other god actually created the universe, but her contract stipulated she be listed as a “co-creator” so that she can get all the credit at the grammys without actually doing any of the work… fucking talentless bitch. I’m sorry, but you’re a god damn underwear model that kind of sings good. Be happy with that.

New church believes Beyonce to be God: http://www.blacknews.com/news/does-beyonce-really-have-her-own-church-it-appears-so-well-sort-of101.html#.U1aa1vldWa9

And finally tonight, from the “Take it in the Asteroid” file, Pat Robertson – chief astrophysicist for the 700 Club – announced that an asteroid will hit earth either next week, 1000 years from now, or in 1995 when his booked predicted it. And in case we laypeople aren’t clear on whether an enormous rock hitting Earth would be bad, Robertson explains (quote) “I did the science on it … Once (the asteroid) hits the Earth’s crust, all kinds of bad things happen.”

It’s a funny story, but it’s harmless. An evil old crazy guy with a vast fortune gleefully anticipating the destruction of the planet and the extinction of all life? What could possibly go wrong?

As much as everyone would love to see Ben Affleck die in a nuclear explosion <<He was the bomb in phantoms, yo>>, Pat Robertson and Kirk Cameron would be even better. These guys need to make some big-budget end-of-the world block busters together. So let’s give them some ideas … 30 seconds on the clock for “Religious Propaganda Doomsday Movie Titles” … GO!!!

How about… Crouching Tiger, Seven Headed Dragon

End Times at Ridgemont High

Ju-Rapture Park II: This Time it’s Cataclysmic

Father Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Squirming and Love Jesus

How about Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill in “This is the unending, preachy, poorly improvised splooge joke”

Armageddon it on with a Priest

Doomsdazed and Confused

Guess Who?: Black Jesus is Coming to Dinner

The Six-Six-Sixth Sense? I loved the surprise ending in that one… remember? Where the seemingly talented director went on to never make anything worth watching again in his career? Never saw that coming.

Sperminator 2: Judging Gays

Locust Pocus

Deeply Impacted Bowels

The Mark of the Beastmaster

Apocalypse Now- no Now- no Now!

Pat Robertson warns world may be destroyed by an asteroid next week: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/21/pat-robertson-doomsday-asteroid_n_5189084.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Well I guess we should wrap the headlines there, quick before Pat’s asteroid destroys the earth. Heath, thanks as always.

Cholla…

And when we come back, we’ll learn that other holy books also suck.

Outro:

Before we power down the generators tonight, I wanted to give you a quick reminder that I’ll be on Atheist Hangouts with David (aka Gamma Atheist) on Saturday at 10pm eastern time. It’s a live video chat, we’ll be talking tarot and other such new agey nonsense. If you miss the live event, fear not, as archives will be available and we’ll be sharing links on all our various social media repositories.

Also wanted to let you know that I had to cut out a big chunk of the interview but if you want to hear the full version you can find it under the “extras” tab on our website, which is full of great extended interviews if you haven’t checked it out already. And is, in fact, full of great extended interviews even if you have checked it out already.

I need to thank Heath, as always, for being a twisted fuck in such an endearing way; I need to thank Lucinda for everything she does both on and off the mic; I need to thank PK for providing this week’s installment of the Ken Ham blame shifting Farnsworth Quote wars and, of course, I need to thank Paul for giving us some of his time this week. If you want to learn more about his show, you’ll find links to it on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most amiable atheists; Phillip, Tim, Other Phillip, Javier, Shelby, Lindsay, Adam, Reva, Erik, Josh, Richard, Oliver, Steve, Lise, Other Other Phillip, DL, Michael and Konrad. Phillip, Tim and Other Phillip, whose testicles have cleared the debris from their orbital path; Javier, Shelby and Lindsay, who have enough gravitas to read a menu poignantly; Adam, Reva and Erik, whose ninjutsu is considered a nuclear deterrent; Josh, Richard and Oliver who would be more likely to call the doctor if their erections lasted less than four hours, Steve, Lise and Other Other Phillip, who are so rich they hired a maid to clean up after their maid; and DL, Michael and Konrad who are so sexy pastors exclude them by name when they say homosexual attraction is a sin.

These eighteen enviable epitomes of excellence have earned encomiastic exaltation this week by giving us money and/or valuable free advertising space. Not everyone has the courage to give us money and/or valuable free advertising space, but if you think you share Phillip, Tim, Other Phillip, Javier, Shelby, Lindsay, Adam, Reva, Erik, Josh, Richard, Oliver, Steve, Lise, Other Other Phillip, DL, Michael and Konrad’s fearless tenacity, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And remember, our Patreon donors get longer shows earlier and extra free shit, so there are plenty of good reasons to make a recurring donation other than just keeping Heath liquored up.

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Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: atheism, atheist, atheist bible study, atheist podcast, Christianity, koran, Pat Robertson, quran, quran podcast, quranify me

Episode 58 – Partial Transcript

March 27, 2014 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints. An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)

Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.

Sponsor:

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s March 27th,

And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York

And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,
We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,
And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do. Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead. But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.

But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave. Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died. But I’m not heartless. I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone. And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety. But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.

It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.” It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool. And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps. I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.

Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes. We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact. He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.

Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian. He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish. He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.

But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him. It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using. And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief. According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin. Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.

And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch. The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks. Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.

They also make sure to point out how small the church was. Only 40 active members. 100 at it’s height. And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers. Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.

So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith? I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit? Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”. There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.

Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either. If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?

Doesn’t matter. The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler. And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion? And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to play ball?

Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500

Fair enough. In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”. The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act. Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions. The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.

And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives. First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented. Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will. That’s it!!! Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive. The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.

One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion. Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds. And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.

Good point … People are corporations too.

The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.

Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception

And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.

If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.

Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …

And they wouldn’t have. But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.

This is such a confusing story. The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…

So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious. It’s like their own little triangular trade. And against all odds, it might be more offensive. Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.

German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html

And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.

At least they chose cars. Classy move. Way less rapey than vans. As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.

After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman. Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.

Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least? Fun size is bullshit. If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!

Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.

Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/

And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces. Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)

I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.

Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.

Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.

Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin. If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.

I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that. Anyway, you were saying…

So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.” I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny. Just a cool trick.” She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!” Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words. It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child. Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.” There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.” When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.

Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/

And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos. They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.

(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!

In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”

What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.

Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries. Go!

Let There Be Spinal Tap!

Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity

When We Were 2 Kings

MythTrusters

Global Forming: A Convenient Lie

Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”

Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”

The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology

Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”

The X-tra Chromosome Files

Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep

Commuting With Dinosaurs

The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show

Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html

And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.

And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.

At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …

Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.

The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.” So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day. It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch. The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …

There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it. It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.

Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.

Pitch:

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(Sound FX montage)

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Patreon (dot) com is a fantastic service that allows you to give us money easier than ever before. Signing up for as little as one dollar an episode, you can sleep comfortably, knowing that Noah won’t have to give quite so many handjobs for our bandwidth upgrade.

I’ll still give just as many, but not because I have too.

Quality, not quantity, right?

Exactly. But that’s not all! Scathing Atheist patrons get a bevy of beneficial bonuses. You see, every week we record between three and ten minutes of extra material that ends up on the cutting room floor.

These never-before-released minutes include expletives, puns, and a littany of verbosely-worded dick and fart jokes.

But these emission omissions can be yours when you become a Patreon Patron. That’s ten to thirty percent more Scathing Atheist every week. How much would you pay?

A million dollars!

But don’t answer yet…

Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.

But there’s even more. You’ll also get the show as soon as it’s edited, rather than anxiously counting down the minutes until 8am eastern daylight time.

That sounds too good to be true!

But it isn’t! For just one dollar per episode you get the unedited, director’s cut of every new episode and you get those episodes early. Plus you get an outlandishly over the top compliment on the next episode.

But that’s not all!

Actually, that is all.

For one dollar per episode, sure. But you can give us more than that.

That’s right Heath. And the more you give, the more you get.

That’s right Noah. If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.

But do I still get the over the top compliment, the longer episodes and the early releases?

You do. But that’s still not all!

That’s right because you can also give us even more money. If you donate at least five dollars per episode, we’ll also toss in a signed paperback copy of the new book. Plus you’ll get advance copies of all the new Scathing Atheist presents books before they’re available to the public.

That’s sounds too good to be true.

I know!

Seriously… I don’t believe you. That’s just too good a deal.

I know!

So how can we be certain that you’re not full of shit?

I guess you’ll have to check out our Patreon page and see for yourself. That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.

It’s easy to set up a recurring micropayment. Macropayments are equally easy. Enter your information once and Patreon will bill your credit card or Paypal account once per month. You can even set up a limit in case you’re afraid we’ll release 106 episodes one month just to fuck you out of a lot of money.

And remember, if you were a Patreon Patron, this segment would end with Heath saying “Turtle Fucker” three times in a funny voice. But if you’re not, it just ends with me saying this sentence.

Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.

Babble – Esther:

Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all. Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written. It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.

But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.

So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

So what did you think of Esther?

It was weird. It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story, but who gives a shit?

Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle. So why don’t you start us off?

Sure. The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet. At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.
1. She refuses and that causes a huge scandal. Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.

Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes. So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope. That uppity bitch has got to go!!!

So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.
1. And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.
2. The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.

And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad. Smart move.

But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.

Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.
1. Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust. The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month. After the playoffs.”

Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise. There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.

So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”

“The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich. Could you please? Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ??? Whenever you get a minute. Not a huge deal.”

She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.” So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .
1. Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship. Every fucking time you turn around…
2. So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it. So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?
3. Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s

Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”

Chapter six was actually pretty clever.
1. Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…
2. Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him. So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?” And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine. Then the king says, “Great idea! Do that for the jew that you hate.”
So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”

“If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”
Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”

So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.

But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order. Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.

And the Jews can plunder now. That was in the fine print of chapter 8. They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on. Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.
Don’t call it that.

Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?” And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?” And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”

Yeah Esther became queen at 14. Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits? Seems to be a mitvah. Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?

And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.
Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.

And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.

And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …

This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well. There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.

As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?

Well no, but at least some of the kings existed. Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks. We’re nearing the halfway point guys…

Just nearing?

Anyway, thanks as always.

Outro:

Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week. Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.

Why May 2nd? Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend. The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly. You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke. I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book. Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.

I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff. John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.

These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page. If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week. Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube. If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: atheism, atheism podcast, atheist, atheist biblical criticism, atheist podcast, Book of Esther, german cocaine condoms, Heath Enwright, Holy Babble, Lucinda Lugeons, Noah Lugeons, Sarah Palin, Sebelius v Hobby Lobby

Episode 57 – Partial Transcript

March 20, 2014 Noah Lugeons 4 comments

by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out to fill the time allotted)

Warning: This podcast contains adult language, and you better not tell. And if you do, I will rip the heads off of all your stuffed animals. I swear to god, I will!

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Muslim outreach program, “Million Man March Madness”. Fill out your brackets and predict which faith will reign supreme in the coming Muslim inspired global religious war and you could win six dozen virgins of your choice.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday!

It’s March 20th!

And I’m not a breast man, or an ass man … as much as a throat man.

I’m Noah Lugeons

And I’m Heath Enwright and from “Oral Sexy” New York, New York

And “Moral Sexy” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

We learn that explosions above 110th street in Manhattan don’t count as terrorism,
We’ll find a Jewish holiday that doesn’t suck,
And Noah will fuck up the George Hrab interview.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

It seems like me and Russell Crowe’s mom are the only people on the planet looking forward to the new Noah’s Ark movie. And no, it’s not because they named the movie after me.

Look, this is Darren Aronofsky here. We’re talking about a guy whose movies to this point have been about a mathematician, an old lady on diet pills, a grieving biologist, a professional wrestler and a ballerina. And all of them have been epic. I’m guessing he can do something with a antediluvian zookeeper, too.

But clearly I’m in the minority and it seems like hating this movie is one of the few things that religious people and atheists can do together. Everybody seems to have a reason, and the atheist reason is the least stupid, but it’s still stupid.

Christians are mad because the movie isn’t “historically accurate”. I haven’t seen it yet (and neither have they), but if you’re keeping up with the buzz, clearly Aronofsky’s taking plenty of artistic license with the story. I mean… he kind of has to, since the Bible devotes about 2000 words to the Noah story. You can read the whole thing out loud in six minutes. If he’d stayed true to the bible it would’ve been less of a feature film and more of a Vine.

Muslims are pissed about it because Noah’s a prophet and you’re not supposed to depict a prophet because they want to avoid the whole “fuckable Jesus” thing that Son of God touched off. And I should say that I’m being damn liberal with my description of what’s pissing the Muslims off here; since I could just as easily have said, “Muslims are pissed off about it because it’s a thing and they’re Muslims.”

Jews haven’t come out against the movie yet, but as Bill Maher points out, they will when they see the Box Office returns.

So what about atheists? Well, from what I can gather, a bunch of us are pissed off because it’s a movie about Noah’s Ark. I’ve gotten messages from a number of our listeners lamenting the release of this film as yet another hyper-religious cinematic debacle on par with “Passion of Christ”, “Son of God” or “Man of Steel”. “Do we need yet another big-budget, CGI enhanced sermon on the silver screen?”

I’ve surprised a lot of those listeners by telling them that I’ll be watching it on opening night… though I’ll probably have to drive out of town to see it. I’m fired up to see what a brilliant director with a stellar cast and a giant vat of money can do with this fairy tale. And I’m no more bothered by the religiosity of this movie than I am with the religiosity of Wrath of the Titans. Biblical stories should be fable-fodder for film makers.

Look, I have issues with the Judeo-Christian religions, but their mythology is cool. When we can look at Jesus and Satan the same way we look at Odin and Chronos, we’re done. We win. Pop the champagne. And I look at this movie as a step in that direction.

Clearly we’re not there. The fact that Paramount caved to the demands of the blithering Christies and added a disclaimer to the movie against Aronofsky’s will pisses me off to no end. There was no disclaimer apologizing to vikings for the historical inaccuracies in “Thor: The Dark World” and Jesus doesn’t deserve any better.

But when I hear atheists denounce this movie for its religiosity, that strikes me as petty. There might be plenty of great reasons to denounce this flick and I fear I’ll know what they are on March 29th, but Darren Aronofsky, in addition to being one the most visionary directors in a generation, is an atheist. He didn’t make this movie to preach the gospel.

In fact, knowing his penchant for dark, disturbing stories, I’m willing to bet that he made this movie because the source material is the most diabolical story known to humanity.

But I’ve got a guess here, and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt, but I don’t think any Christians are really getting pissed about the (airquote) historical inaccuracies. I think they’ll be okay with the fiery sword and the flaming angels and stuff. What’s really gonna rile them up are the accuracies. If you think about all the horror, destruction and waterlogged corpses that make up the flood myth, this thing could make Requiem for a Dream look like a Disney Movie with an ass to ass dildo scene.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is “no longer suspected of racism” Heath Enwright. Heath, how do you feel?

I love black people!!!

Must I now show you the money?

Podcasting is all about the Georges and Abes. In our lead story tonight, from the “Mysterious Ways” file, God fire-bombed an East Harlem church, killing eight people (including five parishioners), yet local Christians remain faithful, because they found an old bible in the rubble. Several Kindle copies were also recovered. So luckily, the rare information isn’t lost forever.

Yeah, New York god does that shit. He’s like, “Yeah, whadda ya gonna do? Three thousand souls in a terrorist attack? Sorry about that, but did you notice the little cross I made in the wreckage?” So I’m just saying there’s precedent.

Let’s ignore – for the moment – the fact that religious people exhibit the psychoses of domestic abuse victims … I won’t even mention that … Instead, let’s try to figure out what it means that several large, glass dildos were also found in the wreckage, completely intact. Could this be evidence that a second coming is imminent?!? Finish times are near???

God kills 8 in NYC explosion, saves bible: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/uptown/decades-old-bible-east-harlem-church-survives-blast-article-1.1723125

And in “Edited to fill the Space Time Odyssey Allotted” news, an Oklahoma Fox affiliate is facing criticism over some impromptu local editing to the Cosmos remake. In episode one of the new series, my second favorite living astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson took a minute to talk about evolution, but you wouldn’t know it if you were watching KOKH Fox 25, as the station chose to accidentally interrupt this moment of the show with a promo for a news story about a professional redneck killing things with a bow.

How do you censor a science program about evolution?!? Blur out the beaks of the finches?!?

Oklahoma viewers say the second episode, which was all about evolution, was free of interruption, though many of them criticized the show for spending too little time on biological diversity and too much time on Shirley Temple hanging out with her curmudgeonly grandfather in the Swiss Alps.

OK Fox affiliate cuts references to evolution from Cosmos Broadcast: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/oklahoma-station-cut-cosmos-evolution-video_n_4958024.html?&ir=Religion&ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000055

And in “Allah Carte Only” news, Saudi cleric Saleh al-Fawzan figured out why Muslims kept going to hell, so he declared a fatwa banning all-you-can-eat buffets. Basically, everything that happens in Vegas … is illegal in Riyadh. And it’s the gambling – not the gluttony – that makes the buffet unkosher. Essentially, the restaurant is betting against the Cool Hand Luke-ability of each patron to eat crazy amounts of buffet food, like – for example – fifty hard-boiled eggs.

I can think of plenty of good reasons to avoid buffets, but the sinful failure to itemize the expenditure doesn’t make my list. Must be nice to live in a country that has all the real problems fixed so they can focus on meaningless bullshit.

Right, it’s not like they’ll be a completely useless desert in 50 years. Anyway, according to Musa Furber – another Muslim scholar who also possesses fatwa powers: (quote) “The Sheikh’s reasoning is that the value and quantity of what is sold should be pre-determined before it is purchased.” (end quote) … But that’s stupid, because “all-you-can-eat” is a pre-determined amount. And … That’s an impossible standard for everyone, not just buffets. How many dead crabs in each bowl of bisque? What’s the milligram weight of a parsley dusting? How many salt grains on a margarita glass?

38,606. Not sure on the parsley or the crabs, though.

One more question … When Saudi royalty hijacks the entire national oil industry to pay for their shitty sober yacht parties … And then makes billions on top of that from sales and trading in the oil market … And then tricks its citizens into being okay with not sharing the enormous profits by running a brain-crushing theocracy … Is that what the Koran intended in their commerce clause?

Saudi cleric declared anti-buffet Fatwa: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/15/buffet-ban-fatwa-saudi-cleric_n_4971190.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Sub-Zero Wins” news tonight, the followers of Indian Guru Ashutosh Maharaj insist that their leader is in deep meditation despite the fact that he’s both dead and frozen solid. Despite medical confirmation of his death, his followers insist that he’s in a deep form of meditation that traditionally begins with three deep breaths and a massive coronary.

Well these men are nihilists, which is exhausting. Death? Infinite Ice Nap? Are we splitting hairs?

It’s worth noting that there’s probably more to this than stupidity. Apparently there have been accusations that the followers are claiming he’s still alive in an effort to maintain control of property owned by the guru. Which is exactly the plot of Weekend at Bernie’s.

But these guys really thought it out pretty well. If the dead guy just has to sit still inside an ice block and meditate, they don’t have to pull off all the whacky dancing antics. Bad movie, but a good con. It’s like an awful David Blaine trick as an entire movie. It’s a David Blaine show.

Followers insist their dead, frozen guru is “just meditating”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/14/dead-frozen-indian-guru-ashutosh-maharaj-is-just-meditating-followers-insist/

And in “Hanukkah of St. Patrick’s Day” news, Israelis get wasted for Purim, so the National Police carried out raids on kiosks, clubs, and parks last Saturday, to prevent the illegal sale of drugs and alcohol to all the young partygoers that somehow have vices, despite god.

And those Hassidic stoners are hard core. Have you ever seen kosher cocaine? Plus they can’t use fire on the Sabbath so they have to mainline most of their shit. And their needles are curly.

Coincidentally, this holiday finds its Biblical origin in the book of Esther, and it’s therefore a mitzvah to read Esther this time of year. So like it or not, Yahweh owes us one mitvah credit, because we’ll be talking about that very book on next week’s Holy Babble. I’m hoping to save up mitzvah credits, and redeem them for the giant stuffed Moses.

If we pool ours together we might be able to get a plague of locusts… which would be awesome at a revival.

According to a genuine Jewish person, who learned this from a Rabbi … Another part of Purim tradition – beyond drunken debauchery – involves eating a vagina-inpsired cookie called hamentashen. I’m a feminist … Let’s roll with it …

30 seconds on the clock for “Genital-Inspired Holidays and Their Related Foods”

The… what? Alright, that’s hard… you go first.

Yeah it’s a weird one … The hamentashen works better as a tradition for Gash Wednesday …

PuRim Jobs, on the other hand, call for Felch’s Grape Jelly.

Tits-mas – Milk and coochies.

All Taints Day – Drizzlings of Warm Papal Syrup

St. Fat Dick’s Day – No food, of course; but the traditional drinks would be Cocke’s Single Malt or maybe a Pud-weiser.

Yanksgiving – Cans Full of Manberry Sauce

Which immediately precedes Hairy Palm Sunday – Jerked Chicken

Swalloween – And the tradition would be Twizzlers as a felching straw? Jizzlers. (…)

How about the Jewish celebration of Ass-over where they Harvest Pudding from Matzo Balls?

Twinko De Mayo – Cream Filled Hostesses

Vaginese New Year – Twat and Sour Soup

Girth Day – Gapin’ Egg and Cheese

Rama-dangly Bits – But there’s no food because you’re not supposed to swallow.

Israeli police raid drug and alcohol kiosks to curtail Purim partying: http://www.jpost.com/National-News/Police-mark-Purim-with-kiosk-drug-and-youth-drinking-raids-345522

And on that fatwa bait, we’ll close out the headlines for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.

Jew-Manji!

And when we come back, George Hrab will cause me to go all unwittingly fanboy.

Outro:

Before we blow out the candles tonight I wanted to issue two apologies and a correction. A few weeks ago I declared Dave our most generous donor of all time without realizing that David also donated on the same week which led to a bit of confusion, especially after I played a Farnsworth quote from David who mistakenly thought he was our most generous donor of all time. So I want to apologize to both Dave and David for all the confusion. I also want to apologize to everyone for the confusing apology.

I also wanted to update everyone on the status of the diatribe book. It should still be available on the day this episode is released, though it might not be available until late in the day. It’ll be on e-book retailers across the interwebs and we’ll have all the info on how to purchase your copy on the website so keep up with us there or look for it online “The Scathing Atheist Presents: Diatribes, Volume One; 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”

Also, if you don’t subscribe to our YouTube channel you’re missing out. We just posted the first illustrated version of Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids, complete with animated ass-hamster so I strongly encourage you to check us out there. You can find a link on the shownotes to this episode, on our Facebook page, on our Twitter timeline and, of course, our YouTube channel.

Wanna wish a happy birthday to friend of the show Wesley from the Atheist Nomads podcast, who has grown quite adept at orbiting the sun over the years. Happy birthday bro, here’s to many more.

Of course I have to thank Heath for his Occam’s Razor sharp wit, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show and I need to toss out one more big thanks to the funkiest caucasian from the Caucasus, George Hrab. Once again, you’ll find links to his music, his podcast and more on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

http://www.geologicpodcast.com/

Also need to thank Tanner Campbell of the No God Cast Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. He’s doing some really innovative stuff with fundraisers, secular partnerships and community building so I’d strongly encourage you to check out his show, which you’ll also find linked on the shownotes for this episode.

http://nogodcast.com/

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s best people; Tim, Wesley, April, Kenny, Howard, Steve, David, Shelby, Vinne, Geoff, Cliff, Liam, Jeffrey and Aiden. Tim and Wesley, whose erections are measured on the Mohs Scale; April and Kenny, whose very proximity is considered a performance enhancing drug; Howard and Steve, who kill up to 99.9% of harmful bacteria on contact; David and Shelby, who are so intriguing Waldo looks for them; Vinnie and Geoff, whose orgasms register on seismometers; Cliff and Liam, whose swordsmanship continue to keep the interdimensional invaders at bay; and Jeffrey and Aiden, who are so sexy the very mention of their surnames just made 8% of our audience come.

These fourteen noble and valiant souls have earned their way into both my heart and my outro this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the combination of generosity, sophistication and raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you have what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

A number of people have also contacted us to see if they can support us through Patreon (dot) com. We’re setting up an account there this week so we’ll have more details on episode 58, along with more details on where and how you can buy the book.

Categories: Podcast Updates Tags: Ashutosh Maharaj, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, frozen guru, George Hrab, George Hrab Interview, Heath Enwright, Kosher Cocaine, Noah Lugeons

Episode 55 – Partial Transcript

March 6, 2014 Noah Lugeons 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.

Link to Episode

Warning: The explicit language in this podcast is starting to rub off on the pope.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Hindu sex worker industry of South Asia.

For live shows, come on down to The HinDude Ranch. And if you want to get laid in your second life, visit our brother and sister websites; FudgePakistan.com and PunjabPoonJobs.com

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday…

It’s March 6th,

And Christian Mingle for godless, horny geriatrics should be called RadiocarbonDating dot com

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Black History Forgotten” New York, New York,

And “Black History Still Embraced” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

The pedophile ISN’T Catholic … Just kidding. He’s obviously Catholic.
We’ll hit you up for money at the end of the show,
And conception got pushed back again. It used to occur at orgasm, then it was the third pump (if applicable), and now it officially happens retroactively at puberty.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I picture a group of people sitting around in hell. One says, “Yeah, I shot my wife” and another one says, “I burned down an orphanage” and the third says, “I baked a cake for some queers”.

Luckily, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer forestalled the national embarrassment of SB 1062 with a last minute pang of cognizance. But we were still one crayon-scrawled signature away from a state redacting humanhood for three and a half percent of their population. Or maybe two point two percent… I don’t know if bisexuals cakes are as sinful as gay cakes.

The law, which passed through both state houses and probably would have been signed into law if not for a tsunami of national media attention, would have allowed anyone the right to discriminate against anyone, provided the bigotry was based on (quote) “a sincerely held religious belief.”

We’ve heard that phrase a lot on this show. A lot of laws that try to find a way to legally protect homophobia and misogyny under the auspices of religious freedom and the only thing that makes SB 1062 noteworthy is that it got one step closer than most. There’s a huge national effort to build a big wall of bibles to hide behind when we secularists come to take away their god given right to hate men who love men. And women who love women. And… women.

And I’m gonna give the religious people a little more credit than most. Because I don’t think religion is the source of the bigotry at all. I think these people are just good old fashioned bigots and Jesus makes for a willing scapegoat. Anti-civil rights legislation was largely cloaked in religious liberty, but today the people who have those same religions generally don’t hate the coloreds. It wasn’t that religion was making them racist. They were just racists and religion was providing cover.

And therein lies the problem. As Anne Lamott points out, god hates all the same people you do, so hate can always hide behind religion. In fact, as soon as you invoke the words “religious liberty” you can hide anything back there you damn well please. To you and me, “religious liberty” means the freedom to practice one’s religion, but these theocrats are desperately trying to redefine it; to make it mean “freedom to do whatever the hell I want, regardless of the law, so long as Jesus”.

And of course, since Jesus can’t chime in, religions doctrines can’t be tested against reality and faith can’t be measured, that makes it a legal panacea. Don’t want to serve gays? Religious liberty. Don’t want to rent to an unwed couple? Religious liberty. Don’t think people should have recreational orgasms? Religious liberty.

It’s impossible to miss the smell of bullshit here. If you define religious liberty the way they’re trying to define it, nobody would fight for it. The bible tells me to murder my disobedient children, stone people to death for working on Saturday and sacrifice bulls at the altar. According to the Arizona legislature, that would all be perfectly legal as long as I sincerely believed it.

Not only does this provide the legal justification of shit like SB 1062, but it also provides the psychological justification. If you take away the god nonsense and force somebody to explain their objection to gays or gay marriage or gays eating at restaurants; pretty quickly they have to come face to face with an ugly part of themselves. But as long as you can retreat to Leviticus you don’t have to bother with real morality.

And people act like this is some intractable problem. How can you balance religious freedom and the interests of the secular state? How can we ensure that everyone’s rights are protected? They act like those are hard questions to answer, but if everybody just had to follow the same rules, the problem disappears. Just get rid any law that is contingent on a religious belief and we’re in the clear. If it’s illegal to suck a baby’s cock, it’s just illegal to suck a baby’s cock.

Seriously, is anybody actually arguing that the use of psychedelics is less dangerous if you think they’re carrying you into the spirit realm? Does anyone believe that bigotry is less dangerous if you think it’s divinely sanctioned?

Nobody wants to carry this all the way, of course. Even the rampaging bigots in Arizona draw the line at the United Methodist Church of Methamphetamines, so what they’re asking, nay, demanding the government do, is get in the business of deciding what does and doesn’t count as a religious belief. And I can’t imagine anybody wants that.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the oft-misunderstood Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to help everyone better understand the Scathing Atheist Satire System?

When I say things that sound sexist or racist … that part is satire. My true opinion on this issue is that women and non-white people – as groups – are generally much better people than men and white people.

Yeah, that should free up some time at the complaints department. Appreciate that.

In our lead story tonight, Seventh Day Adventist parents Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene admitted to something known as “secular manslaughter”, after causing the death of their five-month-old son by giving him rickets, and then refusing him rickets medicine.

How prehistoric do your views on medicine have to be to get rickets? That’s a fucking old-timey disease. That’s like dying of “the summer complaint” or milk leg.

Exactly. (Milk Leg!!!) … Two important points: Yes it’s really easy to prevent rickets: Don’t be an infant who is a vegan with no vitamin D in your diet. And yes, it’s easy to treat rickets … Vitamin D. It’s also now very easy to prevent polio, amoebic dysentery, and plague. Diseases that killed you on the Oregon Trail, shouldn’t be a threat anymore. If your kid dies of cholera, why were you bathing him in a dirty puddle?!? Or you should have just caulked the wagon. Your fault.

And they’ve made a lot about this vegan diet that the parents were on, but I don’t know why. There are plenty of vegan options for a five month old, provided you don’t also sequester them from medicine and try to stupid the malnutrition away instead.

Here’s a statement from Justice Singh, who apparently had to explain his reasoning when he ruled that when you murder your child because you’re stupid, it has to be at least a little bit illegal: (quote)

Did he just say “fuckin duh?”. I’m betting “fucking duh.”

“The law respects the right of everyone to freedom of thought and belief. However the right to manifest one’s religion is not absolute. It is limited in particular by the rights of others. The state has a particularly important duty to protect the right to life, especially when a young child is concerned.” (end quote)

So besides turning pro-life rhetoric against religion (tastes bitter doesn’t it), the Justice makes an extremely important distinction, that is really the crux of every argument about this. You can think and believe whatever you want, but you can’t manifest those beliefs in ways that threaten the lives of others, especially five-month-old children that are yours!!!

I noticed he also said that the couple’s views on Seventh Day Adventism were (quote) “very extreme and do not reflect the official doctrine of the church” (end quote) as though this absolves the religion from any wrong doing. Sorry, your honor, but anybody who pretended god existed or prayer did stuff has at least a little of this kid’s blood on their hands.

That’s right. A little bit of small pox infested infant blood on your hands. Can’t feel as good as you thought it would. Because you build it up as this great thing in your head. Inevitable letdown.

Parents jailed after trying to pray away baby’s fatal disease: http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/feb/28/parents-jailed-manslaughter-baby-rickets

And in “I’d Never Have Molested Them if You Aborted Them” news tonight, the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is blaming a mother for allowing her children to be molested by one of their priests.

Well, he was a priest…

Reverend Curtis Wehmeyer, who I’ll grant couldn’t look more like a kiddie-diddler without a Pee-Wee Herman suit, molested two of her sons, age 12 and 14 and, upon discovering that the archdiocese knew he was a sexual predator before they hired him, she sued. And apparently they’re going with the “what kind of responsible parent would leave her kids with a Catholic priest?” defense.

Corollary to the “What kind of God would allow 12 and 14-year-old kids to be raped, without letting their mother win a large settlement which correctly puts a dollar value on the consent virginity and regular virginity of a child” … defense.

The mother was an employee of the church and felt that Wehmeyer (quote) “needed some friends” (end quote). So that nobody could mistake them for just half-assed evil, the archdiocese refused to let her use sick days or vacation days to care for her kids after this all came to light. What’s more, they reneged on a promise to pay for the kid’s therapy and they cut her hours back. And then they went to her house and ripped her kitten to pieces in front of her and pissed on her rug.

Minnesota diocese blames mom for letting her kids get molested by their priest: http://www.alternet.org/belief/outrageous-church-blames-mother-pedophile-priest-molesting-her-two-sons

And in “Praising the Steaks” news, the Kentucky Baptist Convention is promoting what they call “Second Amendment Celebrations”, encouraging churches to give away dead cow slices and deadly firearms to local heathens, if they’re willing to open a trial account with God. And despite nearly everyone in these flyover areas already owning livestock and murder weapons, the soul bribery seems to be working.

What’s funny is that in a way this reminds me of the story we covered a couple weeks ago about the racist “black history month” lunch menu. Because “Steak and guns” is probably the white trash equivalent of offering black people watermelon and cornbread. Except in this case the race being stereotyped is too stupid to realize it.

Their plan – reportedly labeled “outreach to rednecks” by a spokesman – sounds a lot like animated wabbit hunting … Luring godless Tea Partyers under a box, floating them by their nose with the cartoon smell of animal blood and gun oil, and then knocking the stick out that holds the box up.

Ooh… piece of candy.

Also, I’d like to preserve any extra half-minute segments we might have, so I’ll just quickly add, that a redneck meat retailer slash arms dealer should be called “Pistol Peter Luger”, “Beefed-Up Security”, or “Wal-Mart”.

Glad this is working, because plan B was the Duck Dynasty sex tape giveaway. And if you thought their facial hair was nasty…

Steak and guns for Jesus: http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20140228/FEATURES10/302280129/Kentucky-Baptists-use-gun-giveaways-lure-unchurched-men-Christ?nclick_check=1

And in “Bowing toward Megatron” news, an Iranian school teacher has developed the perfect Muslim; an unthinking automaton that does nothing useful and prays five times a day. Akbar Rezaie, who teaches mythology and doesn’t realize it at an elementary school in the Iranian town of Varamin has recently unveiled a small humanoid robot that he created to help teach children how to properly appease Muslim God.

If you follow the Koran and get to the Allah-Spark, you get 72 unused Sybian machines. Brand spankin’ new.

Rezaie hopes his robot will help make prostrating oneself before an invisible warlock “cool” again. Some people have criticized him for using cutting edge science to promote the opposite of science, but those allegations clearly overlook what a low-tech piece of shit his little robot really is.

What’s the robot’s name? … HALal 9000??? …

Also, I’d like to quickly note that the evil computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey” has the same name as Halliburton’s ticker symbol.

I’ll alert Alex Jones immediately.

Iranian teacher makes Prayer-bot: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/iranian-school-teacher-builds-robot-to-teach-children-prayers-9154038.html

And in “Catholic GeStopHo” news, an anti-prostitution operation in Phoenix, Arizona called Project ROSE is detaining suspected sex workers at a local church, and forcing them to choose between religious propaganda class and jail. And that’s a tough call, considering it’s risky to drop the soap at either venue.

Tough call… I don’t want Jesus inside me, but I don’t want Jesús inside me, either.

The orgasm specialists who wish to avoid prison must complete a 36-hour Jesus sexuality class, which teaches great ideas like prostitutes not using condoms.

(Or getting abortions)

In order to pass the program – which has a reported 30% graduation rate – the accused must also display sufficient amounts of sadness and shame. All sounds awful and stupid, but there is some good news … The First Amendment says the police have to wrangle whore-interns for atheist clubs too.

Now you tell me.

As long as we’ve got a bunch of sex workers forced into cages at church … The stage is set … And also, in honor of the Oscars last weekend … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Porn Parodies of Best Picture Nominees” … GO!!!

Okay, but first I want to thank god for giving me an award I don’t deserve rather than curing the disease the movie was about in the first place. And of course, the movie I’m referring to is The Phallus Buyers Club.

Good movie to watch with a cocktail …

What about: 12 Years Old A Slave

Topical. How about Little Mister Sunshine?

Kneeling in the Confessional Booth: Tales From The Squirt Locker

Diddler on the Roof… On the Roofies?

In the Shame of the Father

Fetal Attraction

Semen on the Brokeback Mount

The Maltese Fuckin’

The, uh, stuff that wet dreams are made of …

Lord of the Cock Rings Third Leg: The Second Coming of the King

Father Cassidy and the Un-pantsed Kid

The Father’s the Butch, and the kid’s the bitch …

50 Shekels of Silver Linings Playbook

Starring Jennifer Lawrence of the Labia?

Good climax, but it’s missing something … Might be “Consent of a Woman”

A Vicar Named Desire?

This doesn’t really count, but you’re gonna want some Schindler’s Listerine on set.

The Pleasure of the Sierra Padre

Working on a double, for the bonus points in Splatter-gories …

The Fugitive Priest: Around the World in 80 Gays

Million Dollar Baby-Fucking Settlement

Finding Neverland Ranch: The Kids Are All Tight

I think I already used “Priests of the Southern Child” for something, didn’t I?

You can reuse them. Okay one more try at the double bonus …

Vishnu’s Avat-Argo Fuck Yourself??? … I’ll show myself out.

Sex workers can have church or jail: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/28/project-rose-offers-sex-workers-a-choice-church-or-prison/

That’s alright, the band was playing us off anyway. So I guess that’ll do it for headlines this week, Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here to give you a double dose of biblical boredom.

Skit:

Hilarious email that I got this week that I absolutely had to share. If this is legit, and it honestly looks like it is, it’s from Ray Comfort. Apparently he’s aware of some aspects of our show and not others and he sent me this really complimentary message about how important it is for atheists to read the bible and how he’s sure Jesus will reveal himself to me along the way.

In fact, I guess he was so impressed by our commitment to get a broader perspective on the bible, he wanted to do, you know, whatever the theistic equivalent would be. Try something out that he dislikes and disagrees with in order to widen his perspective on it. So I guess him and Ken Ham got together and tried out gay sex.

And, as luck would have it, they were nice enough to send me audio of that erotic encounter.

I’m Ken Ham

Hi, I’m Ray Comfort

Well good evening.

When I arrived you had a hotel for me and a fruit basket

Oh he’s tall and muscley

Say that again?

He’s tall and he’s handsome and he’s the star. I’d really like to go out with him.

Thank you

Why do we wear clothes?

Well we all do that

See unless they’re taken off…

Can I just stop you there?

Don’t be intimidated.

There’s nothing I have to look at and say I’m embarrassed.

When it’s okay, whip it out.

Behold!

That’s a pretty big number, isn’t it?

How can you look at this beautiful creation and not give praise?

It’s enormous!

Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand

A perfect creation

There’s a point at the top for easy entry and it’s just the right shape for the human mouth.

We weren’t told we could eat meat.

It’s even curved toward the face to make the process easier.

Yet another poke in the eye.

The contents don’t squirt in your face

But you don’t know and there’s a lot of evidence that that’s not so.

Okay it’s my turn

Check it out

There’s nothing I have to look at…

You don’t see that?

No I don’t.

I’m sort of little

Your dick. It’s this magic wand of nothing.

It’s not the outside that matters, it’s the inside.

Sir, this is a very important issue.

Now I want you to look at my point.

Well I said it was pathetic when I started

And what I want to show you is how this works.

Could you explain it to me?

This is where it comes from, right here.

That’s common sense.

Even if you’ve got a dead stick.

But you’re… you’re sprung.

There’s a book out there… With this diagram… They’re sitting one on top of the other

Why?

To make it gay

Tell me why

You’ll learn the lesson the hard way

If you could put your finger on…

No no no no no

Here’s a fork, stick it in there

But there’s limits.

Anything that fits.

No. We’re gonna look at dogs to help us understand this

I’ve gotta get to the bottom of this.

You know there was plenty of room.

Okay here it is

Okay, Alright

Oh, god!

Oh… oh…

And it’s a little difficult

It’s easy if you try

(Oh’s, Gods and Lords)

Wow!

This is so radical it’ll blow your mind

Of course it is

Sir I can’t go on, my brain is full

You have to let me finish

Would you come?

I came

You’re an animal.

Put another notch in my belt.

Why haven’t we already done this?

Babble:

Originally, the books of Ezra and Nehemiah were a single book and remain intact in the Hebrew Bible, which is odd, because the Hebrews aren’t really known for leaving things intact. Anyway, since they’re both short and they more or less tell a linear story, we elected to double up this week and give you twice the Babble.

Anything that gets us through it quicker. So in honor of Noah turning thirty-mumble, we decided to party hard with our Hebrew Lit Book Club. So happy birthday Noah!!!

And joining us, of course, in this masochistic endeavor is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

We always meet under the worst circumstances, the three of us..

Alright, so when we last left our intrepid heroes, they were scraping their way out of exile in Babylon.

Thanks to the good King Cyrus. He sends word to all the Jews that they can go back to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, and he even gives back all the vessels of the house of the lord that Nebuchadnezzar stole

And apparently as they were reinhabiting the promised land they went through an amusement park turnstile and somebody checked IDs or something because in chapter two we get a precise headcount.

You approach the turnstiles leading into the ancient Jerusalem circus, and you know that when you get there, you have to give the man 2 shekels or he won’t let you in. But when you get there, everything goes wrong …

“Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine.”

First things first, they celebrate Sukkot and then get to work rebuilding their temple.

The Sukkot tents doubled as a circus venue.

But the man always be holdin’ ‘em down. They start trying to build their temple but then the kids from the “cool” fraternity show up and start making trouble for them, so they have to stop.

“So you guys remember that Jewish tribe we enslaved, that we definitely can’t trust because we enslaved them after centuries of genocidal warfare? … Well Cyrus let them start building a giant God Castle again. Could be real God. Our prayers don’t do shit. Is this something we need to worry about?”

And you can tell that the bronze age FCC was getting on their ass about all the wars and genocides in season one, because when shit hits the fan in Ezra we get a vigorous letter-writing campaign.

I was hoping they would address the paperwork situation. Because building a temple, to an exotic God, without a permit, with- …
Within the Jerusalem city limits. That ain’t legal either.
I thought this was Trans-Euphrates?!? Are we not in Trans-Euphrates?!?

Eventually the Jews find all the necessary receipts and what-not and get permission to finish their temple, which they do.
1. And that’s great unless, of course, you’re a local bull, ram, lamb or goat, in which case you’ll be brutally slaughtered to appease Jew-God’s bloodlust.
And now that we’re two thirds of the way through the book we meet the titular Ezra, who know his Mosaic law like nobody’s business. And on the merit of this, King Artaxerxes gives him all of Jerusalem.
1. And then all of a sudden we’re in the first person, which is odd.

Taking over as objective narrator in God’s book … The balls on this guy!!!

So Ezra gathers a sufficient number of Jews, divvies up the cash, fast for a while and then head to the newly rebuilt temple.
Then he makes it very clear to everyone that the reason god exiled them was obvious: They weren’t being racist enough. So he make sure everyone knows to be extra racist this time around.
1. He even says that they can’t see to the “peace and prosperity” of the neighboring tribes so you’re not even allowed to be just passively racist.

The Middle East is like the crazy kid in school getting tricked into fighting the even crazier other kid. It’s a fun TV show for atheists … “Deluded Giant Squid vs. Equally Naive But Tribally Different Mega Shark”

So to keep Jew god from getting pissy again, Ezra orders anyone who married a foreigner to send away their wives and children…

And there’s even a detailed miscegeny list, with all the people who cheated and gave their kids illegal performance enhancers like dominant DNA.

So obviously Ezra just blew the right scribe to get his own book in the bible. The same is almost certainly true of Nehemiah, whose claim to fame was building a wall where once there was only most of a wall.

1. Right. First we meet Nehemiah, who spends chapter one shitting all over Ezra, basically. They rebuilt the temple, so he decides to lament the fact that they didn’t also do the wall.
2. So Nehemiah is all bummed. Meanwhile he’s landed this awesome gig “bearing the king’s cup” if you know what I mean.
- So King Artaxerxes asks what he’s so bummed about, he tells him and the king’s like “Oh, here’s some lumber and stone. Have at it.”
- Then he inspects the wall, including the unfortunately named “Dung Gate”
- Talk about using the rear entrance
- And then you get some blatant evidence planting. They’re working on the rebuild, and three rival officias – a Horonite, an Ammonite, and an Arab – might as well walk into a Jewish bar, and ask Nehemiah if his crew is gonna rebel against the king. So Nehemiah – as if wearing a wire – says: “Hello three people that represent the historical property rights of your entire future race, who agree that you have no claim, share, or historic right to Jerusalem whatsoever say-nothing-if-you-agree-forever-Done. Why do you guys care?!? “
3. And everybody goes out “Hands across Jerusalem” style and they all fix a little section of the wall.
6. And Sanballat, the mean-girl from a cheerleading movie of biblical villains, starts writing letters to Nehemiah telling him he’s gonna spread rumors about him and blow his boyfriend if he doesn’t stop building his wall.
7. And in case you missed the exhaustive list of which tribes all the returning exiles were from, we get it again in chapter seven.
- If you want the book to be longer, just increase the margins, or the font size. Or add some chapters about morality. Or being reasonable. Or a “how-to” guide on reading allegories. Plenty of options.
8. Then they all get together to love god and live in booths.
9. And to be honest, I’m half convinced that if you started reading the bible at chapter nine of Nehemiah, you wouldn’t have missed much. Because Ezra spends this extremely long chapter going on and on about how awesome god is by rehashing most of the shit that’s happened so far in the book.
10. Then he drives home the two main points of the last six or seven books: One, god needs you to kill a lot of goats for him, and two, don’t forget to be racist. Whatever you do, don’t interbreed with any of those foreigners.
- Yeah, let’s keep all these recessive genes to ourselves.
- Withholding the blind, translucent, polydactyl piano prodigy. Smart.
- “Stay Pale on three! One, two, three: STAY PALE!!! Jew-Ra!!!”
11. And lest you think we’re shitting you about how boring this book is, they spend chapter eleven telling which people moved to which towns as they repopulated.
- “What?!? I’m making a detailed list of all the Jewish people, and their addresses … How would this backfire?!?”
12. And in a valiant effort to make chapter eleven seem interesting, they spend most of chapter twelve explaining who stood where during the ribbon cutting on their new wall.
13. Nehemiah then makes the mistake of turning his back for a second and within a few days priests are setting up rooms for their old frat buddies in the temple, they’re working on the Sabbath, they’re marrying foreigners.
- Yeah, so he beats them and pulls out their hair.
- Literally – Handfuls of soul-less ginger clumps.
- Heck of a guy that Nehemiah.

So yeah, in summary the Jews are back and they have a temple and a wall again.

That’s all they really needed to say.

Esther’s up next and that’s another short one but it’s gonna get it’s own segment in episode 58 because something tells me we’re gonna want to spend a whole episode on Job. Anyway, thanks for bearing with it, guy and gal.

Outro:

Before we get played off tonight, I wanted to let everyone know about something I’m rather stoked about. At the behest of a number of listeners I spent the last few weeks compiling the first fifty diatribes into book form. Many of them have been rewritten or lengthened, and I’ve added a few paragraphs of introduction to each one so you can think of it as the director’s cut of the diatribes. More than a third of the book is all new material and that should be available as an ebook on the twentieth of March. We hope to have physical copies available by ReasonCon at the beginning of May. We’ll be talking that up a bunch over the next couple of weeks.

And if you were hoping for a poem tonight, sorry about that. It’ll be on next week’s show. Part of that was to make room for the scandalous Ham/Comfort sex tape, but after some discussion with Heath and Lucinda we’re all of the mind that it generally makes more sense to do the bible poems after we’ve reviewed the books in question rather than before.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. Between now and then I have to thank Heath for his continued commitment to excellence in excrement jokes; I need to thank Lucinda for all that she brings to the show and I need to thank David for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and for his incredible generosity. Here’s hoping he sparked a bidding war to claim the title of our most generous donor ever.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans; Paul, Rebekah, Michael, Crystal, Andrew, Shane and Joel. Paul, whose mighty fists serve as the primary backup system for the Large Hadron Collider; Rebekah, who’s such a badass she has to let alligators tag-team when she wrestles them; Michael, whose dick is so big it has Lagrangian points; Crystal, whose intellect is so vast it could hold two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean one; Andrew who’s too sexy to play Jesus; Shane, whose biceps are powerful enough to run the flux capacitor; and Joel, who’s so hot Stacy’s mom sings songs about him.

These bright, shining examples of altruism have earned their spot in my anti-Putin bunker this week by giving us money. Only the smartest, strongest, sexiest secularists have what it takes to give us money, but if you feel like you’ve got all the requisite silibants, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And, of course, if you love the show but you spent your entertainment budget on Romanian vampire porn, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or whatever place you prefer to leave glowing podcast reviews. And if you just can’t get enough of us, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube and check out our erratically published blog.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Curtis Wehmeyer, Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons, Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene, Noah Lugeons

Episode 53 – Partial Transcript

February 20, 2014 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

GUEST LINKS:

The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe Homepage

The Skeptics’ Guide YouTube Channel

Homepage for NECSS (Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism)

Warning: This podcast contains Heath Enwright

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sharia Law & Order: Sinful Victims Unit.

In the Islamic Justice System, female victims of sexually based offenses are considered especially culpable. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious women are an elite squad known as the Sinful Victims Unit. These are their stories.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 20th,

And now that Paul Walker’s dead, his roles will be played by Aaron Paul – aka the “Miracle on Ice”

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from the city that never sleeps, New York, New York

And the city that never flosses, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode

We’ll open with a series of bullet points,
We’ll get through a snake-handler story with no masturbation jokes,
And Jay Novella joins us share non-culinary advice for atheist parents

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I was accused in an email exchange the other day of “hating religious people”. And I was about to email back that “I don’t hate religious people, I hate religion”… but I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to be dishonest. I do hate religious people.

But it’s not because they’re religious… it’s because they’re people.

Think about the copious amounts of ass that people suck. I hate most of them. And I’d guess that about 80% of the people I hate are religious. And 2% of them are atheists. And 18% of them are spiritual, agnostic or “other”.

The whole notion that the atheist movement hates religious people is even stupider than the assertion that atheists hate god. Religion is an oppressive force and it harms religious people a hell of a lot more than atheists. I’m in no danger of foregoing life saving medicine and opting for prayer. I’m in no danger of being swindled by a preacher. I’m in no danger of being butt-raped by a Catholic Priest… well, no, I guess we all are, but I’m in a low-risk demographic at least. But the whole premise is asinine. It’s like saying abolitionists were motivated by their hatred of slaves.

Of course, this came about in one of those stupid “How can religion be bad if so-and-so exists?” arguments So-and-so being, of course, some morally incorruptible person. And whether the example is Martin Luther King, Jr. or the sweet old lady across the street, it’s no less stupid an argument. Lucinda and I have a couple of neighbors that are as nice as two people can be, except the fact that they disowned their son for being gay.

And sure, they’d run into a burning building for us, they’d donate a lung for us, they’d fight off a pack of she-bears for us, but does that make homophobia any less egregious? Does the fact that the axe murdered also fed stray cats a reason to go easy on axe-murdering? And if good religious people mean that religion is good, what the hell do bad religious people mean?

But there’s more wrong with this argument than it’s simple failure to sequit. I’ll give you a great example in the form of my landlord.

The dude is as nice as anybody you can imagine. Seventy two years old, spry, intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humor and he’s quick to hurry over and fix shit that goes wrong, provided it doesn’t do so on the Lord’s day. He’s super-religious and it would be physically impossible to dislike him.

The other day I was talking to him and he brought up his church which he is often wont to do. He had a bit of a sunburn going and when I asked him about it he said he got it mowing the lawn at his church. The two acres around this church. That a seventy-two year old man is mowing for no compensation. And why, pray tell, is the old man mowing the lawn? Well, the church was concerned with their finances and they feared they could no longer afford the monthly landscaper’s fees. And they figured that Jesus would really appreciate it if somebody volunteered to mow that giant-ass shadeless lawn once a week under the unforgiving South Georgia sun.

But it’s not that they were taking advantage of him. Au contraire. He understood how important it was. Why, unless somebody donated their labor to the church lawn, they wouldn’t be able to send any money to the Southern Baptist Convention.

So the church is sending a septuagenarian out to mow their lawn so they can properly fund an anti-gay hate-group that was founded on White Supremacy and only got around to apologizing for that shit in the mid-nineties. How moral of them.

So no, I don’t hate religious people… at any higher rate than I hate non-religious people. And I’d even go so far as to say I can prove it. If I really hated religious people and I really wanted to stick it to them, I’d stop doing this show, I’d just shut up about atheism and I’d let the church have ‘em.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is Olympic Vanadium Medalist Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to go for the Chromium?

Hey, don’t knock Vanadium. It has the highest melting point of any period 4 transition metal.

Take that titanium!

In our lead story tonight, Australian chemist Simon Horsfall is slipping disapproving notes into the package when he sells oral contraception to those customers of his pharmacy that don’t share his Catholic beliefs. In other news, Australian pharmacists mistakenly refer to themselves as “chemists”. They count pills, and collect people’s money every week. They have the same skill set as a drug dealer. They’re not exactly inventing new plastics for NASA.

This actually explains why the Australian Space Agency is still lagging so far behind Latvia. Reminds me of those Fosters commercials. You show an uppity fucker eyeing me suspiciously when buy syringes for my diabetic cat and it says “Chemist” and then it shows a cheap can of carbonated dingo piss and it says “Beer”… but it’s Australian so it’s three syllables long and they never quite get to the “R”….

Here’s a statement from the (air quote) “chemist” (end air quote), who’s been writing self-righteous notes like this for 12 years: (real quote) ”It’s about integrity – if you say one thing and do something else, that is hypocrisy. We practise what we preach.” (end real quote) … First of all, ‘practice’ doesn’t have an ‘S’ … It has a ‘C’ … Second, he doesn’t practeeze what he preaches at all. He’s been making money selling contraceptives for at least 12 years!!! He’s going to hell, and he’s talking about integrity and avoiding hypocrisy?!?

It’s more like hypocrisy squared. “I’m against this, but I’m gonna profit off of it, but I’m gonna call you an asshole for giving me your money.”

I’m willing to consider the merits of both sides of the abortion issue. But contraception?!? Wearing a cross around your neck is pretty good contraception. Money shots are contraception. It was happening before condoms, just not well. So like it or not – and whether or not one particular outer-suburban pharmacy (slash) Pfizer Lab in Australia approves – widespread availability of real contraceptives is one of the greatest public health accomplishments of the last century.

Yes, I think it’s time we moved beyond the “orgasms are evil” doctrine.

Australian Pharmacist puts disapproving note in every bottle of contraceptives: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/take-note-this-chemist-disapproves-of-contraceptives-20140213-32jz1.html

And in “god forsakes the flakes who partake in the shaking of snakes” news tonight, Kentucky pastor and squamate appetizer Jamie Coots died of stupidity last Saturday after being gnawed on by a venomous rattlesnake. Coots is part of the Darwinian oversight known as “Snake handlers”, a group of Pentecostals who believe that god is the only anti-venom they need, despite the extraordinarily high rate at which their pastors demonstrate otherwise.

It’s literally gotten to the point that if this happens again next week, we’d almost have to skip the story out of boredom. Maybe we just do occasional segments when zero Pentecostal preachers committed suicide by serpent venom that week.

Yeah, snake handlers have been done to death at this point. Coots was bitten during a Saturday night service but rather than seek medical attention for the treatable but otherwise mortal wound, he instead opted for the “Jesus take the presynaptic neurotoxin” approach and treated the bite by laying on his couch and praying… even after EMTs showed up at his home and offered him real-universe medicine.

It’s a good thing I’m not an ambulance guy. I would have made a joke about it being “Pastor Expiration Date.”

Yeah, your sense of humor might not work well in any emergency medical profession. Now, if the name Jamie Coots sounds familiar, it’s because be discussed this celebrity death-pool lock back on episode 27 of this show when National Geographic tapped him to star in their visual testament to faith-inspired idiocy “Snake Salvation”. Nat Geo has issued an apology and vows to replace the show next season with more responsible programs like “Cutting Yourself for Jesus” and “Rabbi Rosenbaum’s Wide World of Long Distance Circumcisions”.

Yet another snake handling preacher killed by… wait for it… snakes: http://www.wbir.com/story/news/local/2014/02/16/pastor-dies-after-snake-he-was-handling-bit-him/5529907/

And from the “Not in Ken’s Ass Anymore” file, the state House of Representatives in Kansas has overwhelmingly approved Jim Crow Laws for gay people. Proponents of the legislation seem to feel this is necessary to facilitate a smooth transition to humanhood for the queers, following their recent liberation from slavery in the state. An existing gay resident can be grandfathered in for full humanhood right away, however he may be required to prove his grandfather was gay.

Which sucks for straight Kansas grandfathers. What a dilemma; “Hey grandpa, they’ll let me use hospitals and pharmacies, but only if you’ll go down the county registrars office and gobble some cock.”

Should the bill be signed into law, gay couples could legally be denied service absolutely anywhere, and if gays are permitted inside buildings at all, I’m certain they’ll be required to use the rear entrance, which is really just an exit for everyone else. (…) I guess this must be the Christian response to the hordes of gay couples in the Bible Belt, who were ruining public parks for everyone else, with lewd displays of deep-throating water fountain spigots? …

Shit yeah, the “Spite a bigot, blow a spigot” campaign. Of course, it’s worth noting that the leader of the state senate has already come out and said that there’s no way in hell they’re gonna pass this thing, but the fact that Kansas is trying to compete with Russia and Uganda when it comes to legislative gay-bashing is still newsworthy.

And just to be perfectly clear, this would allow a public hospital to refuse treatment, or a police officer to refuse policing, as long as the homophobes make their decision “based on a sincerely held religious belief”. Lucky for anyone in Kansas with the sincerely held belief that hateful assholes should be brutally tortured for even suggesting this – they should soon be able to carry out their vigilante water-boarding spree of religious zealots with full impunity.

Kansas gay segregation: http://www.ryot.org/kansas-tries-implement-anti-gay-segregation/571197 <<and>> http://www.kansascity.com/2014/02/13/4822324/senate-balks-at-kansas-religious.html

And from the “Keystone Caliphate” file tonight, a suicide bombing instructor in Iraq shook up this year’s Darwin Award standings last week during an accidental pop quiz. While demonstrating how to kill oneself and a score of bystanders, Professor Aggressor the Lesser accidentally killed himself and a score of bystanders.

This does shake up the Darwin standings, but I’d say the bystanders are at the top of the list. If there’s anyone dumber than a suicide bomber conducting a demonstration, it’s the people who showed up for the demonstration. That’s the sort of meeting you might want to Skype in.

In addition to the instructor, twenty-one students were killed, 15 pupils were wounded, 8 militants were arrested and 1,548 virgins were very disappointed. The instructor’s name was not released but Iraqi officials say he is a well-known terrorist recruiter who will forever be remembered for his poignant last words; “whatever you do, never do this.”

Instructor accidentally blows up a class full of suicide bombing students: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/11/world/middleeast/suicide-bomb-instructor-accidentally-kills-iraqi-pupils.html?_r=0

That’s why you never buy your bomb fuses at the Acme Store. Moving on to “Sacred Cowboys” news: UConn’s new assistant football coach Ernest Jones has resigned, immediately following controversy surrounding his violation of the university policy that says you can’t preach about Jesus while you’re working. Jones, as well as head coach Bob Diaco, were both hired from Notre Dame, which would be impressive 30 years ago. In 2014, all it tells me is that Mantai Teo’s imaginary friend delusions make a lot more sense.

In an “immaculate deception” sort of way…

Among other useless coaching methods, Jones told players that football wouldn’t exist without the Christian lord and savior, and that Jesus belongs in the huddle, even though that’s obviously a 5-yard penalty.

Twelve disciples in the huddle, yeah.

So, in honor of the newly resigned (read about to be fired) Jones … Let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Failed Religious Sports Teams” … GO!!!

Notre Dame!

Well played! But I was thinking more like … JC Milan … Re-Allah Madrid … Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark

If we’re allowing movies about failed religious sports teams, then my answer is Rudy.

Well played again! But I mean like … The Nashville Sexual Predators … The Dallas Plow Boys

Sounds like they play in “A Catholic League of Their Own” …

Ok I Iike the movie titles … Let’s roll with it … What about “Million Dollar Baby Jesus”?

Original Cinderella Man

Papal Bull Durham

Parting the Red Seabiscuit

Any Given Sunday School

Bang the Kids Slowly?

King of Kingpins

Judas Iscariots of Fire

Semi-Pro Life

Raging Bullshit

The Fast Boy Scout

Or Run Altarboy Run. Either way, the priest ends up with Varsity Blue-Balls.

Bad New Prayers Don’t Work

Christian asshole resigns from assistant football coach position at UConn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/18/uconn-assistant-football-coach-who-said-jesus-christ-should-be-in-the-center-of-our-huddle-resigns

They don’t. And I think that’s actually as good a point to close on as any we’ve made. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, Jay Novella from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe will be here to Skeptically Guide us through the Universe.

Outro:

Before we dismiss the royal guard tonight I wanted to make everybody aware of a very cool fundraiser that our friends at Secular (dot) FM are putting together. They’re doing a 24 hour live broadcast to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief. It’s running all day this Sunday, the 23rd, starting and ending at midnight. Tanner Campbell, Mark Nebo and David Viviano are hosting the thing and they’ve got a list of guests that makes me drool: Dale McGowan, Seth Andrews, Shelley Segal, JT Eberhard, DJ Grothe, Jessica Ahlquist, Jerry DeWitt, Dave Muscato… and I’m seriously just scratching the surface.

I’d strongly encourage you to check it out; it should be a lot of fun and it’s for a good cause. You’ll find links to more info on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/secularprogramming

I also wanted to apologize for the 2 Chronicles poem getting bumped again but we needed the time for the interview. I promise it’ll be on next week’s show.

And, of course, I need to give Jay another big thanks for coming on the show. Very awesome guy, super passionate about what he does and one of the real pioneers of podcasting so thrilled to have him on. I also need to thank Heath for his indefatigable sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up tonight and I need to thank Matt from Chicago for his awesome Farnsworth quote (slash) Cafepress plug (slash) rape joke.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most prestigious paragons of personhood, Thomas, Tim, Brad, Tyler, Kenny, Shelby, Vinnie, Geoff, April, Leo, Wayne, Liam, Richard and Tom. Thomas and Tim, whose reflexes and strength are so great they could be empowered by radioactive spiders and not notice; Brad and Tyler, whose levers are long enough for Archimedes if we could just find the fulcrum; Kenny and Shelby, the Wonder Twins of atheism, except that neither of them has a power that sucks compared to the other one; Vinnie and Geoff, who are hot enough to melt vanadium; April and Leo, who are so awesome they named a month and a sign of the zodiac after them; Wayne and Liam, whose attractiveness holds the key to zero point energy; and Richard and Tom, who have to turn away more pussy than a Friskies audition.

These fourteen upright, upstanding, uproarious, uplifting individuals have proved their up-ness this week by giving us money. Only the most atheistic of all atheists have the atheism it takes to give us money, but if you think you disbelieve in god enough, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, size matters. Help us grow our social media presence by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, subscribing to us on YouTube and circling us or whatever on that Google one. And rate us on iTunes and favorite us on Stitcher and subscribe to our blog and Jesus I’m needy.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Bob Diaco, Ernest Jones, Heath Enwright, Jamie Coots, jay novella, Noah Lugeons, Sharia Law and Order, Simon Horsfall, skeptics guide to the universe, snake handling

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528: Banned Wagon Edition March 30, 2023
In this week’s episode, book banning bites the butts of the city of Brigham, God visits a town in Connecticut to serve unlimited breadsticks made of his son, and Don Ford visits a podcast in Jersey, Michigan, and Georgia and doesn’t bring any breadsticks at all. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAth […]
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On this week’s episode: Virginia gives a whole new meaning to periodic investigation ... The religious zealots of the Taliban will find they’re not cut out for clerical work ... And Gwyneth Paltrow experiments with putting noxious gas INTO her butthole. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To b […]
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In this week’s episode, we head to Seattle, so we leave you with a whole bunch of headlines we recorded over the last six weeks so you wouldn’t miss us. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSV […]
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