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Episode 130 – Show Notes

August 13, 2015 Leave a comment

The Important Stuff:

Check out the AHA’s call to action to pressure Bangladesh to do more to protect nonbelievers.  PLEASE CLICK HERE.

The Usual Stuff:

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Click Here to make a per episode donation at Patreon.com

Click Here to listen to the episode.

Click Here to buy our book.

Click Here to check out The Skepticrat

The Headline Stuff:

Yet another Bangladeshi blogger hacked to death: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/07/a-fourth-atheist-blogger-has-been-hacked-to-death-in-bangladesh/ and cops tell them they deserve it http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/10/bangladeshi-police-tell-atheist-bloggers-to-stop-criticizing-religion-if-they-want-to-avoid-being-killed/

Gohmert: Gay islanders would die off, so gayness is wrong: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/louie-gohmert-gay-islanders-would-die-out-proving-gay-marriage-wrong

P-Robes encourages grandma to kidnap kid from atheist parents and send them to Christian school: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/10/pat-robertson-tells-grandparents-to-bypass-atheist-parents-and-send-grandson-to-christian-school/

Texas judge orders man to marry his girlfriend and write bible verses: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/07/texas-judge-tells-man-to-get-married-and-write-down-bible-verses-or-hes-going-to-jail/

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/10/americans-united-tells-judge-to-drop-bible-writing-and-marriage-requirements-from-mans-punishment/

Florida Pastor: National debt will drop to zero when planned parenthood is defunded: http://www.rawstory.com/2015/08/florida-pastor-the-national-debt-will-end-immediately-when-planned-parenthood-is-defunded/

Huckabee DNA schedule:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/07/ignorant-christian-pastor-blames-evolution-and-secularism-for-murder-of-55-million-children/

Florida sheriff invokes Wiccan ritual killing to explain murders: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/05/florida-sheriffs-office-wrongly-blames-gruesome-murders-on-wiccan-ritual-killing/

Anti-gay Christian lawmakers planned male prostitute hoax to cover up their own affair: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/07/anti-gay-christian-lawmakers-in-michigan-planned-male-prostitute-hoax-to-cover-up-their-own-affair/

Backlash to released photo of Joseph Smith’s magic rock: http://www.religionnews.com/2015/08/06/joseph-smiths-seer-stone-stuff-revelation-rock-mock/

Bry-Fi: “Going to a gay wedding is like going to the grand opening of a crack house” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/08/bryan-fischer-attending-a-gay-wedding-is-like-going-to-the-opening-of-a-crack-house/

The Misogynistic Stuff:

Christian college wants to know if rape victim is a slut http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/10/christian-college-wants-to-know-alleged-rape-victims-sexual-history-to-assess-her-credibility/

Test of purity for rape victim in India involves balancing rock on her head: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/10/to-show-shes-still-pure-a-rape-survivor-in-india-will-have-to-balance-a-large-rock-on-her-head/

Dubai man stops lifeguards from saving his daughter so she won’t be touched by a strange man http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/10/man-allegedly-let-daughter-drown-as-lifeguard-watched-so-a-strange-man-wouldnt-touch-her/

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Episode 62: Partial Transcript

April 24, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

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Link to Quranify Me Podcast

Click Here to Buy the Book

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the final edit due to time constraints.

 

Warning: I’m guessing these motherfuckers are gonna cuss.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new discrete website for funding international terrorism, Pay-Palestine.  Are you secretly sending ammunition and RPGs to starving people who need medicine and calling it humanitarian aid?  Are international sanctions fucking up your lavish lifestyle?  Do you just really need an assload of fertilizer for legitimate purposes and don’t want to wind up on a government watch list?  Then try the only financial service provider less transparent than the Vatican bank.

Pay-Palestine; Mullahs moving moolah.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s April 24th,

And Hitler shared a rebirthday with Jesus last Sunday.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Au Juicy” New York, New York,

And “Freedom Dipped” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • Goys R Us and FaoSchwitz Toy Stores inexplicably fill up with Jews not seeking toys,
  • The earth will be destroyed in a fiery catastrophe,
  • And Paul from Quranify Me will join us to help earn that elusive fatwa.

But first, the diatribe.

 

Diatribe:

I got an email a while back from a listener named Howard that expounded on what he called “Igtheism”.  The concept breaks down like this: The question on the test reads “Do you believe in God?”.  Option A is yes, which is a theist, of course.  Option B is no, which is an atheist.  For the purposes of this example, Option C is “insufficient information” and that’s your layman’s-definition agnostic.  Option D, the one for Igtheist, would basically be “What the fuck are you talking about?”

The point is that I can know enough about your religion to reject it without having the blindest clue exactly what I’m rejecting.  What the hell does it even mean to “believe in god?”  What is god?  I asked a Christian to define god and his first answer was “well, he’s not an old man sitting on a cloud somewhere.”  And until then I had no idea that the definition of god was interchangeable with the one for pancakes and butt-lube, which are also not old men sitting on clouds somewhere.

So let me share with you my latest “Igtheist” moment.  I was at an “Ask an Atheist” event last week and, of course, we’re talking about morality.  In particular, there’s a Muslim girl asking why we don’t rape and murder people if god isn’t there to punish us for it.  Now, obviously the question was disingenuous… either that or she hated her life so much she just knowingly walked into a room of murdering rapists, but during the discussion I pointed out that in the Christian religion there’s nothing that forbids murderers and rapists from going to Heaven.  I pointed out that, in fact, one need not do a single decent thing in their life provided they take Christ as their personal savior and sincerely ask to be forgiven… and then just to be an asshole I turned to the Christians in the room and said, “Right?”  And they reluctantly agreed and it was awesome.

So the Muslim girl is carrying on undeterred and during the “No True Scotsman” portion of her act she turned to a Christian girl and said, “To you, what does it mean to be a Christian?” and apparently she expected a succinct answer.  And what she got, to the surprise of not one single atheist in the room, was neither succinct nor an answer.

Instead she launches into the whole “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship” spiel and offers up this stuttering, disjointed, imperfect recollection of the thing her preacher was saying that day when she got all tingly.  There was a mountain in there somewhere and god was on top of it and we couldn’t get to him so he sent Jesus down to put together some kind of HOV bypass lane or something.  And there was some stuff about love, maybe a series of random “Family Circus” captions and a Captain Planet monologue.  And Jesus loved her.

And if there had been a mildly polite way of saying it, I’d have loved to ask her at the end, “Now, did that actually make sense to you?  All of those words that you just used… in the order you used them?  That represents a coherent thought to you?”

Think about this for a second.  If you ask the average Christian what it means to be a Christian, not a single fucking one of them can explain it sensibly.  And when you try to get some detail out of them, they get frustrated and angry.

What does it mean that Christ died for my sins?  How does that even make sense?  And doesn’t that mean I should sin like crazy so Jesus gets his money’s worth?

What do you mean God is Love?  Can I apply the reflexive property and make sweet god by the fire?  And does the transitive property mean that God is a battlefield?

And despite this universal inability to attach a meaningful definition to their proposal, they defend it passionately… and get pissed at you for not accepting their nebulous assertion.

Imagine some guy out on the street with a petition to… whatever… to ban animal testing, let’s say.  And you ask him “what is animal testing?” and he says, “well… animal testing is… it’s love, you know?  It’s like, sort of… um… imagine there’s a mountain…”

And yet right now there are countless people vociferously defending a religion they can’t explain.  But how the hell can you be passionate about something you can’t even define?

 

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is horrible role model Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to inspire kids to drink and do drugs?

Remember kids, drugs and alcohol make you funnier and more popular.  Is a few hours of euphoria worth becoming funny and popular over?!?

In our lead story tonight, Hobby Lobby’s theological dictator is one step closer to actualizing his plan of forcibly Christianizing the nation this week now that the Mustang, Oklahoma school board has voted to adopt the controversial “Everyone should agree with my religion” course that he’s trying to implement in American schools.

I remember that class … It was right between recess … and lunch.

It was surveys, yeah… The course, as outlined, brilliantly blurs the lines of church/state separation by promising to focus on the composition and history of the bible.  Green insists that this is not about evangelism, because we all know how Southern Baptists love to forego evangelism in favor of academic and secular critiques of the bible.

We already have a secular critique of the Bible … called history class.  It’s an entire class about all the things that actually happened.  But everything in the Bible is true, so I don’t know what Christian parents are worried about?  If it happened, it’s gotta be in the history books, right?

A number of people disagree with Hobby Lobby president Steve Green’s assertion that this course is not intended to indoctrinate children, including Hobby Lobby president Steve Green.  In a 2013 speech that he’s desperately trying to distance himself from, Green said that the his goals for the curriculum were to show that bible is true; that the course would one day become mandatory and that it will teach students that (quote) “when we apply [the bible] to our lives in all aspects of our life, that it has been good.” (end quote), which he probably didn’t realize was a tacit approval of the Inquisition, the Crusades and Justin Bieber’s career.

There’s a reason history class doesn’t need a 4-year sister course called “No seriously, history is true”.

The curriculum itself is not yet available for review but some details have already been revealed, including the fact that it contains a section on how later scientific discoveries confirm biblical accounts and how Jesus worship led to gender and racial equality.  No word yet on how they will deal with the mountains of evidence that disprove almost every detail in the biblical narrative or the parts about buying your rape victims.

Hobby Lobby head promotes new biblical curriculum for public schools: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/04/15/hobby-lobbys-steve-green-another-project-public-school-bible-curriculum/

And in “Snape Shot First” news, six people who turned out not to be evil sorcerers were killed when several hundred angry villagers in Papua New Guinea ambushed a neighboring town, hoping to lynch some residents they believed to be evil sorcerers.  Two important lessons here: 1) Faith continues to cause murderous posse activity, and 2) Nobody likes magicians – even the ones that don’t exist.

With the exception of friend of the show “Eli Bosnick”, whom everyone loves, I agree.  That being said, I don’t think we should jump to conclusions here.  Since these brutal murders, there hasn’t been a single recorded case of necromancy on the island.

And documented cases of alchemy are down too, so I guess it’s working.  Torches and pitchforks are Allah-Kazaam’s worst nightmare.  The Mind Freak stops levitating and starts talking real fast:  “Sorcery?!? No, no, no, no.  Look, there’s a mirror under the table.  And it’s joined in the middle, and there’s a spring around it … It pops it open when it’s inside the tube.  Yeah, I’m a complete fraud.”

Which reminds me, I haven’t plugged my “Send Uri Geller to Papua New Guinea” Kickstarter for a while…

There is no Spooooon Man!!!  I’m okay if Soundgarden goes with him.  

Six killed in witchhunt in Papua New Guinea: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-04-16/an-png-sorcery-killings/5395726

And in “Separation of Church and Do What Now?” news tonight, state representative Thomas Carmody has pulled his controversial bill that sought to make the King James Bible the official “state book” of Louisiana.  The bill faced strict opposition for not being inclusive; with representative Stephen Ortego pointing out that the state book should be inclusive to all Louisiana citizens who accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior; not just the ones who use the King James version of the inerrant and unchanging word of god.

So scores of Muslim families continue converging on Louisiana, but now when they look up the state book, they’ll drop their Korans for Esperanto Bibles?

Carmody eventually withdrew his divisive bill, though he was careful to point out that it had nothing to do with respecting secular boundaries or not thinking Jesus was the shit.  Instead, he realized that Louisiana’s 49th ranked state education system means most of his constituency can’t read anyway.

49th in state education … The new Ignorance-Betraying Chant of Louisiana should be : “Pen-Ultimate! Pen-Ultimate!”

Sorry, the survey in question included DC so it’s actually “Ante-pen-ultimate”… but they won’t know the difference.  Anyway, we’ve now turned state fossils and state books into proxy wars for church state separation.  If some republican ass-bubble introduces a bill that somehow incorporates religion into the decision on the official state soil, I have bingo.

Louisiana lawmaker withdraws proposal to make the bible the state book: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/04/21/lawmaker-shelves-proposal-to-name-bible-as-louisiana-state-book-says-had-become/

And in “You pray for oxygen, and I’ll breathe” news, Oregon parents Travis and Wenona Rossiter think medicine is for suckers, but more importantly they’re also terrible at praying, so their 12-year-old daughter died of treatable diabetes and complications related to negligent filicide.

To be fair, their entire religion is based on the virtue of filicide.

Their fundamentalist church teaches that prayer is the only kosher cure for anything, but during their manslaughter trial (which is a really nice way of saying murder-your-child trial), they don’t want the jury to know their motive was Jesus.  Because it would be unfair to prejudice the jury with truths.  And for some reason Judge Daniel Murphy has already ruled that past incidents of almost killing their daughter are irrelevant to this case, because this one is about actually succeeding in killing their daughter.

And what the hell is their secular excuse for disregarding their kid to death, exactly?  I mean… do they think that the jury will be more sympathetic to sentencing a child to a slow and painful death as long as they weren’t praying?

Should we also be allowed to do other equally helpful things, like NOTHING?!?  Since the success rates are exactly equal, you should also be allowed to sit there and watch the child die while you do absolutely nothing, or play Nintendo, or throw handfuls of sugar pills at them.  They must use a different placebo in diabetes research.   

Yeah, but you have to wonder if they learned that the hard way.  You know, for years there were these two diabetes researchers who thought they had the midas touch.  “Everything we think to test is performing better than sugar pills!  We’re geniuses!”

This type of absurdity shows one of the biggest problems with religion, as manifested in today’s society.  Yes, in some stupid technical sense, everyone has a right to their bullshit opinion … But you don’t get to smear your bullshit on other peoples faces.  And you DEFINITELY don’t get special privileges for being wrong … extra-confidently.  And also you can’t murder kids.

Do religious exemptions include murdering children?: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/22/faith-healing-parents-who-let-their-daughter-die-dont-want-jurors-to-know-about-their-religious-motive

And from the “Yeah, it’s probably bullshit but we’re reporting on it anyway” file tonight, the award noticing website “Black News (dot) com” is reporting that a new religion was recently founded in Atlanta that replaces tired old Jesus with the equally musically talented Beyonce.  Church founder Pauline Andrews insists that Beyonce is divine, adding, “no seriously”.

She’s divine, but she can’t even beat Taylor Swift on award night?  

Or write a song.  But other than that, omnipotent.  Pauline, who is either a dude or the victim of a poorly proofed pronoun, asks us to (quote) “consider what is more real; an invisible spirit on high or…” and it doesn’t really matter what he said after that because nothing sounds stupid when you compare it to theistic beliefs. The National Church of Bey is believed to be the first religion to crowdsource the writing of their holy book, which they’ve cleverlessly titled “The Beyble”.

What about “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying: From J to Z” ???

Well, he is the Iota and the Zeta.  So based on what I know of Beyonce, I’m guessing that some other god actually created the universe, but her contract stipulated she be listed as a “co-creator” so that she can get all the credit at the grammys without actually doing any of the work… fucking talentless bitch.  I’m sorry, but you’re a god damn underwear model that kind of sings good.  Be happy with that.

New church believes Beyonce to be God: http://www.blacknews.com/news/does-beyonce-really-have-her-own-church-it-appears-so-well-sort-of101.html#.U1aa1vldWa9

And finally tonight, from the “Take it in the Asteroid” file, Pat Robertson – chief astrophysicist for the 700 Club – announced that an asteroid will hit earth either next week, 1000 years from now, or in 1995 when his booked predicted it.  And in case we laypeople aren’t clear on whether an enormous rock hitting Earth would be bad, Robertson explains (quote) “I did the science on it … Once (the asteroid) hits the Earth’s crust, all kinds of bad things happen.”

It’s a funny story, but it’s harmless.  An evil old crazy guy with a vast fortune gleefully anticipating the destruction of the planet and the extinction of all life?  What could possibly go wrong?

As much as everyone would love to see Ben Affleck die in a nuclear explosion <<He was the bomb in phantoms, yo>>, Pat Robertson and Kirk Cameron would be even better.  These guys need to make some big-budget end-of-the world block busters together.  So let’s give them some ideas … 30 seconds on the clock for “Religious Propaganda Doomsday Movie Titles” … GO!!!

How about… Crouching Tiger, Seven Headed Dragon

End Times at Ridgemont High

Ju-Rapture Park II: This Time it’s Cataclysmic

Father Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Squirming and Love Jesus

How about Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill in “This is the unending, preachy, poorly improvised splooge joke”

Armageddon it on with a Priest

Doomsdazed and Confused

Guess Who?: Black Jesus is Coming to Dinner

The Six-Six-Sixth Sense?  I loved the surprise ending in that one… remember?  Where the seemingly talented director went on to never make anything worth watching again in his career?  Never saw that coming.

Sperminator 2: Judging Gays

Locust Pocus

Deeply Impacted Bowels

The Mark of the Beastmaster

Apocalypse Now- no Now- no Now!

Pat Robertson warns world may be destroyed by an asteroid next week: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/21/pat-robertson-doomsday-asteroid_n_5189084.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Well I guess we should wrap the headlines there, quick before Pat’s asteroid destroys the earth.  Heath, thanks as always.

Cholla…

And when we come back, we’ll learn that other holy books also suck.

 

Outro:

Before we power down the generators tonight, I wanted to give you a quick reminder that I’ll be on Atheist Hangouts with David (aka Gamma Atheist) on Saturday at 10pm eastern time.  It’s a live video chat, we’ll be talking tarot and other such new agey nonsense.  If you miss the live event, fear not, as archives will be available and we’ll be sharing links on all our various social media repositories.

Also wanted to let you know that I had to cut out a big chunk of the interview but if you want to hear the full version you can find it under the “extras” tab on our website, which is full of great extended interviews if you haven’t checked it out already.  And is, in fact, full of great extended interviews even if you have checked it out already.

I need to thank Heath, as always, for being a twisted fuck in such an endearing way; I need to thank Lucinda for everything she does both on and off the mic; I need to thank PK for providing this week’s installment of the Ken Ham blame shifting Farnsworth Quote wars and, of course, I need to thank Paul for giving us some of his time this week.  If you want to learn more about his show, you’ll find links to it on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most amiable atheists; Phillip, Tim, Other Phillip, Javier, Shelby, Lindsay, Adam, Reva, Erik, Josh, Richard, Oliver, Steve, Lise, Other Other Phillip, DL, Michael and Konrad.  Phillip, Tim and Other Phillip, whose testicles have cleared the debris from their orbital path; Javier, Shelby and Lindsay, who have enough gravitas to read a menu poignantly; Adam, Reva and Erik, whose ninjutsu is considered a nuclear deterrent; Josh, Richard and Oliver who would be more likely to call the doctor if their erections lasted less than four hours, Steve, Lise and Other Other Phillip, who are so rich they hired a maid to clean up after their maid; and DL, Michael and Konrad who are so sexy pastors exclude them by name when they say homosexual attraction is a sin.

These eighteen enviable epitomes of excellence have earned encomiastic exaltation this week by giving us money and/or valuable free advertising space.  Not everyone has the courage to give us money and/or valuable free advertising space, but if you think you share Phillip, Tim, Other Phillip, Javier, Shelby, Lindsay, Adam, Reva, Erik, Josh, Richard, Oliver, Steve, Lise, Other Other Phillip, DL, Michael and Konrad’s fearless tenacity, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And remember, our Patreon donors get longer shows earlier and extra free shit, so there are plenty of good reasons to make a recurring donation other than just keeping Heath liquored up.

And if you want to support our efforts, but donating money inflames your acne, you can also help us out by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, which depressingly few people have done lately; and you can also follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, circle us on that Google one nobody uses and subscribe to us on YouTube.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 52 – Partial Transcript

February 13, 2014 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the show due to time consraints

Link to Episode

Warning: Shit happens and then you die.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nazi Surplus wholesaler, Holo-Costco.

So head on down if you’re looking for a great deal on an entire vat of vintage childrens’ sneakers or perhaps a lampshade that’s a sure conversation starter.  Mention this add and a get a free gold tooth with every purchase.

Holo-Costco: Because we like to weed out the easily offended early in the show.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 13th,

And Arab in the new Black

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from “six to twelve white inches for a change” New York, New York

And “from six to twelve whites per trailer” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode

  • Tel Aviv archaeologists date camels,

  • We’ll piss off Chinese midgets,

  • And Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a better sequel than 2 Chronicles

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I haven’t changed my mind.  Bill Nye shouldn’t have used his celebrity to raise money for the Creationism Museum.  Yes, it was fun to watch Ken Ham get his ass kicked like a Bronco, but Ham is more than willing to publicly humiliate himself and his religion for money; as his entire career demonstrates; so he doesn’t care that he lost.  He got to stand across the stage from a respected member of the scientific community and make-believe creationism was rational.  And he made money.

Some people have argued that it was worth the fleeting financial gain to Ham’s enterprise if it gave Nye a chance to drop some science on those idiots.  And I suppose I’d agree that even if he swayed a couple of people to look into the facts, that goes along ways towards offsetting the promotional end of it.  But it’s also pretty easy to argue that he could have dropped all the science on them and it still wouldn’t have mattered.

As exhibit A, I’ll offer the ubiquitous meme of the 22 post-debate creationists with their crayon-scrawled “questions for evolutionists”.  Some dude caught a bunch of drooling nincompoops on the way out of the debate and gave them a pen and paper to write out the questions they had for “evolutionists” after hearing Nye’s position.  So this is after Nye dropped the science.

And their inquiries are so stupid the question mark looks embarrassed to be there.  I’m talking “Why are there still monkeys?” stupid.  I’m talking “It’s just a theory” stupid.  One of the people actually asked “If there’s no god, how do you explain a sunset?”

I challenge you to construct a dumber question.  Where the fuck else would the sun go?  Without god we’re tidally locked all of a sudden?  Does she know about the Google?  Is this some subset of the “tides come in, tides go out” paradox?  What the fuck is the difference between “Without god, how do you explain a sunset?” and just “How do you explain a sunset?”  And, by implication, does she think the correct answer to that question is “Magic space wizard”?

Now, to be fair, not all of the questions were that stupid.  Well, they were all that stupid, but some of them were a totally different kind of stupid.  Some of them didn’t demonstrate a lack of knowledge; but rather they reflected an abundance of wrong knowledge.  Clearly some of these people were reading books and learning facts, but the books were by creationists and the facts were bullshit.  And their questions demonstrated the kind of idiocy you have to earn; something I like to call “Motivated Stupidity”.

The lady who was wondering how sunsets could be pretty if there was no baby Jesus is just regular stupid and that means enough Bill Nye debates might be able to cure her.  But the people who were claiming that the second law of thermodynamics disproves evolution had clearly done just enough research to reinforce their stupidity.  The idea that a bunch of creationist hick from Kentucky are gonna lecture the “evolutionists” on the laws of thermodynamics is priceless.  But if you pointed out that the law of entropy applies to a closed system and there’s a sun, it’s not like they would change their minds.  They’d just go to the Answers in Genesis website for some new stupid, some better stupid.

It’s these frustrating fuck fluids that lead so many of us to give up on believers.  They’ve got their conclusion and they’re sticking with ‘em, damn it.  And if you can arm them with a sentence with a few hyperpolysyllabic words they don’t understand in it and tell them it proves god, they’ll cling to it like a louse on Ken Ham’s beard.

Think about the level of commitment this kind of stupidity takes.  Oh, the laws of thermodynamics don’t support the bible?  Well then I don’t believe in the laws of thermodynamics then.  What?  Carbon dating disproves creationism?  Well then I don’t believe in the constant decay rate of Carbon-14 atoms.  What?  Rocks disprove creationism?  Well then I don’t believe in rocks, either.  What?  The bible itself disproves a literal interpretation of the bible?  Well then “la-la-la I can’t hear you!”

You know, there was a time when I could forgive this shit.  If you had religious parents and religious teachers and the churches controlled what was available at the library and the bookstore and the movie theater and the local TV stations, creationism might actually seem tenable.  And I’m not talking about the middle ages here; I’m talking about growing up in a small southern town in the nineties.  But there’s an internet out there now.  All the information is there for anybody who wants it.  In today’s world, in every country where you could possibly download this podcast, ignorance is a choice.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is guy who insults blacks and Jews a lot, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to do something about this racism issue?

Ok, in the spirit of fairness … I know I said last week that Asian jokes can be a slippery slope … however … I was watching “The Wizard of Oz” … and I would absolutely LOVE to watch a Chinese midget struggle to sing “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” …  Blacks?  Jews?  You guys back on board with me now?

Excellent.  That should stop the emails… because Chinese midgets can’t reach the keyboard.  In our lead story tonight, archaeologists from Tel Aviv University have proved that fucking camels isn’t as old a profession as the popular adage would imply.  They did some more of that science that Jesus hates so much and demonstrated definitively that camels weren’t domesticated until around 900 bce.  According to certain sacred texts that serve as the foundation of three of the world’s largest religions (that shall remain nameless), Abraham was using camels as pack animals a millennium before that.

This could be the first of many dominoes.  Maybe we’ll eventually find other things in the Bible that are also scientifically wrong.  Who knows?  

Yeah, surprise, surprise, Ken Ham was wrong.  Not exactly headline news, but what makes this one interesting is that it also shows that the people writing the stuff about Moses and Abraham and David were doing so centuries after it happened.  So long after it happened that contemporary camel-tech was just assumed.

I can see the mistake they made.  Those weren’t camels that Abraham had.  They were small, hairy, humped velociraptors.

Radiocarbon dating of camel bones proves bible to be bullshit: http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/02/06/camel-bones-suggest-error-in-bible/

And from the “You Keep Spelling Moron Wrong” file, a British Magistrate has issued a summons ordering the President of the Church of Latter Day Saints to appear in a British Court and prove that Mormonism isn’t a load of shit.

If he needs an expert to argue on his behalf, I hear Ken Ham is looking for work.

The plaintiff in the case is former Mormon Bishop Tom Phillips, who alleges that he can prove in court that at least seven of the core teachings of the church are false, that the president of the church knows that they’re false, and that he continues to teach them in order to keep people tithing.  If you take the word “religion” out of it, this is a clear cut case of fraud, but since we can’t take that word out, people… even people in the atheist movement… are acting like this is outlandish.  Because they’re a religion.  They’re supposed to defraud.

Religion is definitely the world’s most successful sleazy salesman.  “I’ll pay you Tuesday at your funeral, for a hamburger today.” … Seems like starting with Mormonism is a little arbitrary, but it’ll be nice to see all the other churches get their summons soon.  

The key to this case is the fact that the Mormon church teaches that you can only go to the good heaven if you’re in the inner circle and you can only be in the inner circle if you tithe ten percent of your income.  So basically they hold your soul hostage for cash and that differentiates them from most major religions.

Oh okay good.  Starting with Mormon’s isn’t arbitrary.  But all the other religions are still next, right?  Holding your soul hostage with vaguely defined donation levels for indulgences is just about equally “giant global fraud”, isn’t it?!?

Well we probably won’t find out because obviously the dude isn’t gonna show up at this hearing, but if he does, and the magistrate has him crucified, and he rises again three days later… I could see myself wearing magical underwear.

British Court orders Mormon rep to “prove it” http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/02/05/mormon-church-uk_n_4729050.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

And in “Eternal Soul Food” news, a private Christian high school in California decided to celebrate Black History Month by having the cafeteria serve fried chicken, cornbread, and watermelons.  It isn’t clear whether this was just normal white ignorance, or if it was an homage to professional golfer and infamous racist Fuzzy Zoeller, who suggested Tiger Woods would celebrate winning The Masters the same way, but also with collard greens.

Yeah, a public outcry forced them to abandon the Paula Deen menu after the first day, which sucks for the students because Tuesday was gonna be grape soda and crack.

Obviously racism can happen, with or without religion.  But religion certainly doesn’t fucking help.  ‘God said so’ is just about the only way to trick huge groups into extreme overzealous bigotry.  Nobody would be waging centuries of war, if it was a science museum on the Temple Mount.    The larger issue here is that homogenous brainwashed communities of ignorant sheep, who are force-fed lessons about social justice from books full of slavery and tribal ethnic cleansing … Believe or not, that’s bad for society.

And it’s hard to imagine something like this happening in a public school because public schools don’t have white lunch ladies.

So I’m wondering what the ‘accidental racists at best’ found too offensive.  What did they brainstorm, that didn’t quite make the final cut for the menu?  And I guess that means we should segue straight to 30 seconds on the clock for “Food Items for the Racist Cafeteria” … GO!!!

Master Race-in Bran

Isn’t that what those communion wafers are made of?  Sounds like one of those eugenically modified cereals … Like “Special KKK”

Or Thousand Year Reich Krispies.

What else do racists eat for breakfast? … Eggs Florentine Pregnancy?   Mango Unchained?  White Power Bars?

Pox in a Blanket?  I don’t know… I’ve got nothing else for breakfast.  Can we switch to the lynch menu?

If it’s lynch time, we can start drinking … Certain racist bartenders refer to a pina colada made with Hennessy as “Nig Nog”.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends are racist bartenders, but that’s over the line.

How about Chicken Swas-Tikka?

Or maybe Chicken Sa-Tay Sachs?

With a side of Garlic Nazis

Concheddarate Fondu: A melting pot of white cheese only …

Spicy version known as Salsa Con K-K-Queso

How about the… wait, would the placebos they used in the Tuskegee Experiment count?

Separate But Equal  brown sugar pill substitute: The stuff you swallow that doesn’t give syphilis to blacks.

Christian school apologizes for “Black History Month” lunch menu: Fried Chicken, cornbread and watermelons: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2014/02/christian-school-principal-nancy-libby-apologizes-for-racist-lunch-menu/

And finally tonight, in “Pot Calling the Kettle a Pot” news, Pat “The Fags Are Out to Kill You With Their AIDS” Robertson has asked Ken Ham to stop making Christianity look stupid.

You know what else is making Christianity look stupid? … There’s this book … I forget thit title, but Ken Ham mentioned it several times during the debate.  And it’s pretty stupid, whether or not you add up the years in the book correctly, and whether or not Amish Wolverine, leader of the X-Mennonites stops embarrassing himself.

In response to Ham’s recent drubbing at the hands of an old, skinny dude in a bowtie, Robertson concluded that young earth creationism was, in Robertson’s own words, “nonsense” and implored Ham to (quote) “come off of that stuff and say this isn’t possible” (end quote) preferring that he stick to “possible” stuff like sweaters being haunted by demons and pact-with-the-devil seismology.

Get your fictions straight, Ken Ham!!!  The Old Testament is historical fiction.  The New Testament is observational fiction.  So you can’t just add the years up using math.

Pat Robertson implores Ken Ham not to make Christianity look foolish: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/02/05/pat-robertson-implores-creationist-ken-ham-to-shut-up-lets-not-make-a-joke-of-ourselves/#.UvLFIur6LtE.twitter

And on that sage-like advice, we’ll close the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will help us try to find funny shit to say about this boring assed bible.

A Love Song for the Scientifically Literate

 

When I look into your eyes my heart don’t… skip a beat.

And if it did, I’d be concerned, that I had heart disease,

Maybe premature ventricular contractions, also known as PVCs.

And I’d probably have to see a cardiologist;

Might need some kind of timer in my chest.

 

When I look into your eyes the earth don’t… cease to spin.  (It’s…)

Good cause it it did, we’d be all fly east at sixteen miles a minute,

And a day would last a year, And both the poles would flood as a supercontinent

Around the now-spherical earth’s equator would arise;

So I wouldn’t be allowed to look you in the eyes.

 

Let’s just set aside those things that we can’t prove;

I’ll tell you I love you using scientific truth,

Forget about those cliche romantic lies,

And I’ll just say I love to look into your eyes.

 

When I look into your eyes the room don’t… spin around

And if did, every time I saw you, I’d need a second to lie down.

Think of all the things we’d want to do that this condition would confound,

Plus chronic vertigo could also be a sign,

My vestibular system’s in decline.

 

When I Iook into your eyes, serotonin is released within my brain;

A monoamine neurotransmitter derived from tryptophan,

5-HT receptors trigger an intracellular second messenger cascade;

And then a host of other hormones get involved,

It’s how attachment in our species has evolved.

 

It doesn’t have to be some esoteric thing;

Love is love and that’s enough to make me sing.

So set aside all those cliche romantic lies,

I simply love to look into your eyes.

I simply love to look into your eyes.

Babble (2 Chronicles):

Ah, Second Chronicles; a book that fails to be the most boring thing I’ve ever read only because it immediately follows First Chronicles.  If the earlier historical books are like watching paint dry, Chronicles is like watching dry paint.  It continues the monotonous task of retelling the retelling of the pre-exilic kingdom of Israel.

They really scramble to shove some God into all the gaps in the story, don’t they? …   

“Second Chronicles: Rewriting history – this time with 50% more God.” …   

The precursor to FOX News, right here in this book!!!

You’ve hit upon my dad’s only two sources of information.  And joining us for the Holy Babble tonight is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, what did you think of this one?

Ugh… I feel like I flunked Samuel and Kings and had to take them again.

You’re always so negative about this.  Start us off positive… ease us into the suck.

  1. What I like about 2 Chronicles is it really fills in the blanks on the last four books.  Let me give you an example.  In chapter one you learn that Solomon became king and asked god for wisdom.  And we already learned that in Kings, but in Kings you’re just left wondering how many chariots the dude had.  In 2 Chronicles it finally fills that in for us.

    1. Hell, it even tells you where he imported his chariots from and how much they cost so I guess the Christians were right.  All the answers are in here somewhere.

  2. And then we go straight to the temple building again.  And you’ve gotta wonder how bitchy Solomon was with his labor orders.  “I said 80,000 stone cutters!  Not 80,009!”

    1. Also, I found this interesting.  2 Chronicles, chapter two, verse five.  Solomon is talking about his temple, he want King Huram to give him wood and he says, “The house that I am about to build will be great, for our god is greater than other gods.”  So they sucked at monotheism back then.

  • And what were they even trying to mean?!?  Other gods are semi-potent? They can do everything except beat Jew God with a light sabre?  

  1. Yeah, the temple was solid gold, the fixtures were solid gold, the shit-trowels were solid gold and they had a pretty sweet hot tub out front.

  • Oh right the golden baths for bronze showers … Public wash basins full of hot, stagnant, unchlorinated water for dirty desert people to freely exchange fecal matter.  Basically steaming piles of shit,  but with a larger water ratio.

  1. Then they dedicate the temple with a bunch of singers, one hundred and twenty priests and a bucket full of blunts or something.

    1. 2 Chronicles 5:14 “So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud; for the glory of the lord filled the house of god.”  I’m surprised they didn’t go into detail about the solid gold bongs.

  • My translation was a little more porno.  I think it said something like: “God came inside their lungs.”  So he pulled an “Angry Dragon” on the priests.  And I’d suggest that the uninitiated pause, and take a moment to google “Angry Dragon” so you can get the visual.

  • And make sure you have safe search off.

  1. Then we get this bullshit revisionist dedication of the temple by Solomon.  He’s saying “If there’s a drought hear our prayers; and if there’s a pestilence remember us; and if we have sinned against you forgive us; and if we piss you off so much that you allow a Babylonian king to exile us for generations forgive us eventually and let us come back.”

  2. And it takes god a week and a half to get back to him, but when he does he tells Solomon that he’ll answer all his prayers just so long as everybody loves the shit out of him constantly forever.

  • “You too can get chosen, for only five easy payments of $99.95.  And if you convert to Judaism in the next ten minutes, we’ll throw in a Slap Chop.”       

  1. Then Solomon heroically enslaves every non-Jew he can find.

  • Historically speaking … You think this stuff might lead to negative consequences for the Jews down the line???  Might come back and bite them in the asherah pole.  

  1. Then he fucks the queen of Egypt for some spices, Huram brings him some apes and some peacocks and then he dies.

  • And I’m not trying to be mean, but this book is stupid.  Here’s the very last line of the chapter: “Solomon’s horses were imported from Egypt and from all other countries.”  Just say “He didn’t import horses from nowhere.”

  1. Rehoboam’s gets the kingdom and within a few days, he breaks it.

    1. Interesting that even the bible seems to be anti-Israel at a certain point.

  2. I kept expecting it to say “and are not the acts of all these dudes written in the book you just read?”

  3. They keep upping god’s body count, too.  In chapter thirteen he kills half a million Israelites because the Judeans are less goat-demony.  If the death tolls keeps increasing at this rate, he’s gonna have to kill, like, 6 million Jews in the 1940s…

  • Or at least find a way to fake it, and get Israel back.

  1. Well hold on, because in chapter 14 he ups his record by killing a million Ethiopians.

    1. Well wait a second, though, because at best Ethiopians are worth half as much as Israelites…

    2. Three fifths.

  • But it’s three fifths of a white Christian person, so let’s compromise, and call it four fifths of an Israelite.

  1. And after that things are pretty okay for a few decades until…

  2. Asa is king but then he get a disease (quote) “in his feet” and then dies because he had the audacity to turn to a physician instead of a priest.

    1. Yeah, 2 Chronicles 16:12 is something no responsible adult would leave in their bible.

  • Right – Why go to a doctor, when you could go straight to the asshole who created diabetes?!?  

  1. Then we get Jehoshaphat, who got rid of the high places by apparently leveling the whole nation to precisely sea level.

  • And he killed all the tall people.

  1. Then in chapter 18 of 2 Chronicles we get chapter 22 of 1 Kings.

    1. Verbatim.

    2. Damn near verbatim.  The same goddamned chapter just hiding later in the book.  They were just fucking around on the word count at this point.

  2. Chapter 19 is actually just a secret code from God for investing in the stock market.  If you use the code, and pray the right way, you’ll make millions.  And if it doesn’t work, and you lose millions, other people will make millions.  It’s a win-win.

  3. Then we get the wrap up of the reign of King Jehoshaphat the pretty good.

  4. Then Jehoram takes over, kills his brothers, makes high places and kills some Edomites, for which Elijah shows up and curses him with perpetual diarrhea.

  • That’s right – Important morality lesson here: “Don’t make things that exist in the height dimension, or a Jewish prophet will make you shit out your own colon.”    

  1. Then Ahaziah takes over and gets killed within a year.

    1. His mom goes all psycho and starts killing everyone she can get her hands on, so her daughter stashes Joash in a nursery where her murderous mother can’t find him.

  2. She reigns for a few years then they kill her with much pomp and circumstance.

  3. …and is replaced by a seven year old.

  • Who they make the new king by pulling a Pussy Riot maneuver, and putting on an unsanctioned coronation concert in the temple.  

  1. -Then you get (Amaziah the Adequate)

  2. -(Uzziah the Proud)

  3. -(Jotham the Forgettable)

  4. -(Ahaz the Really Awful)

  5. -and (Hezekiah the Too-Little, Too-Late)

  6. The kingdom’s gone to shit by the time Hezekiah shows up on the scene so we get this chapter where he’s running around Judah like a teenager trying to clean up all the party stuff before mom and dad get home.

  • The key is to shred the cigarette butts and joint roaches with the lawn mower.

  1. Then some Assyrians show up and start talking shit about Jew god so he chops all their heads off with a sword and has the king’s sons assassinate him.

  2. And then Manasseh, then Amon, then Josiah… Honestly, as I’m reading this thing I kept hoping the cats would puke on the carpet or something so I’d have to get up and clean it.  This thing is a fucking chore.  We all deserve a hug or something for this.

  • Will somebody … please … sacrifice their virgin daughter to a rapist mob or something, so we can make a fucking joke?!?  Anything?  No?  Just another last-minute divine miracle-slaughter of another seemingly unbeatable rival tribe?  

  1. Josiah is a good king, in the sense that he doesn’t fall prey to the unforgivable sin of religious tolerance, but eventually he fucks with the wrong Egyptian and gets killed in battle.

  • These battles are a bunch of ancient tribal nerds that believed in magical spells.     It must have looked like Live Action Role Playing, with people who truly thought they were divine priests, casting protection auras that do nothing, right before getting beheaded by a laughing Pre-Muslim.  

  1. And then in the last chapter they toss in the exile in Babylon like it’s an afterthought.  And then they toss in King Cyrus freeing them in a two verse postscript.

  • How does Yahweh convince a king that doesn’t believe in him, to let all his slaves go back to Judah, without revealing the big secret that Jew God is the real one?!?

I was really disappointed by the end.  Bill from Bar Room Atheists assured me that it ended with a car chase where a housewife in a dominatrix suit chases down her escaped teenage slave girl and then makes out with her to death.  And it doesn’t.  So hopefully he was thinking of Ezra.

And speaking of Bar Room Atheists, if Suzy is listening, we hope you’re feeling better sweetie. Huggles!

Oh, good call.  You’re in our thoughts, which is what we atheists have instead of prayers.

So we’ll close on that and take a well earned couple of episodes off from biblical duties.  Guy and gal, thanks for somehow continuing to push through.

Outro:

Before we pull the ripcord tonight I wanted to let everybody know that if they liked the song this week and would perhaps like to share it with their Valentine, I’ll have it on YouTube complete with lyrics a little later on today so feel free to share the love.

And in case you forgot, I was on the new podcast “Atheistically Speaking” the other day and apparently they split the interview into pieces.  The first chunk of it came out this past Monday and I think the rest is slated for release the same day this episode airs so if you want more, there’s more.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

I also wanted to remind people that if we don’t get enough iTunes reviews every week I’m contractually obligated to kick a puppy and I don’t want that any more than you do, so be sure to swing over to iTunes and give us a five star review

I need to thank Heath for being a funny bastard, I need to thank Lucinda for suffering through yet another book of the bible while simultaneously acting as my perpetual muse.  I also need to thank Zach from Iowa for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  Zach had nothing to plug so I’ll just use this time to remind everybody that Iowa isn’t as bad as you think it is.

But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most stunning examples of humanity, Brian, David, Dave, Andrew, Steven Hawking’s Wheelchair, DJ, Stephen, Robin, other Andrew and Laura.  Brian, whose gargantuan penis has local gravity; David who makes Samson look like a pussy for needing that donkey jaw; Dave, who has taken over as our most generous donor of all time and deserves a gold medal and a hug; Andrew, who’s so bright he’s a leading cause for sudden retinal failure; Stephen Hawking’s Wheelchair, which, let’s face it, deserves way more of the credit for the ground-breaking physics than it gets; DJ, whose very name has become a prefix for “cool person that gets a lot of ass”; Stephen, whose cock is longer than a Peter Jackson flick; Robin, who’s so far above average they named a bird after her; other Andrew, whose compliment is separate, but equal to the first Andrew; and Laura, who’s so hot she can light a bong over Skype.

These ten exceptional exemplifications of excellence have provided joy to boys and girls all over the world by giving us money.  Remember, according to noted junkie-photographer Chris Arnade, atheism is a luxury for the wealthy so if you don’t keep those donations rolling in, my broke ass will have to be religious at a certain point.  So if you’d like to forestall that inevitable condition, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you wanted to wish Lucinda a happy anniversary tomorrow, you’ll find her on Facebook and Twitter, that’s LUCINDA LUGEONS.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 39: Partial Transcript

November 14, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Warning: The explicit language used in this show has been known to cause incontinence.  Will you shit yourself?  Depends.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by…

Schindler’s Listerine Pocket Size Kosher Mouthwash . . .

Did the Holocaust leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did a pedophile rabbi leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did Jewish cuisine leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You’ve got diasporas, pilgrimmages, J-Dates, pogroms … You can’t be carrying around big clumsy bottles.

For Jews on the go: Never forget . . . your bottle of Schindler’s Listerine.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 14th,

And the date-rapist mustache is a weird choice for prostate cancer awareness.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from home of the nation’s tallest phallic structure, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Christians build an enormous airplane, to carry a smaller airplane full of bibles to Korea.

  • We’ll say “put 30 seconds on the clock” and then do 53 seconds worth of shit,

  • And due to sheer volume, disgraced clergy are no longer considered ironic.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

I know I shouldn’t but sometimes I feel sorry for the theists that argue with me… or any well read atheist for that matter.  Jeremey Bien from Reasonable Doubts offered up a great analogy once.  He said that if you want to know what it feels like to be the theist in a religious debate, go find a well read vegan and argue with them about eating meat.  The facts are all on their side, they’ll beat you in the argument, you’ll eventually realize that you’re wrong and then you’ll go home and have a burger.

I always try to keep that in mind when I reach that point in a debate where my opponent is clearly intentionally misunderstanding me.  If you’ve taken part in any of these debates, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s the point where you actually see the wall come down and that fearful glaze appears and quickly disappears in their eyes and they mentally erase the point you just made and come back with, “But Jesus said Jesus Jesus!”

This reaction leads a lot of atheists to believe that there’s just no point in arguing with Christians.  You never win, right?  Well, if by “win” you mean that you actually get to watch them lose their faith in god and and admit that they were wrong, yeah, you never win.  But if you define “winning” as forcing them into the “Jesus said Jesus Jesus” phase of the argument, you never lose.

Greta Christina gives a great talk where she addresses this perceived futility.  She starts off by reminding everybody how pointless it is to debate with religious people.  They never listen, right?  And then she asks for a show of hands from everybody who was “reasoned” out of their faith.  And at least half the hands in the room go up.

When we debate, we’re planting seeds and it doesn’t matter that we never get to pick the fruits.  The seeds are there and if there’s one thing a religious brain has plenty of, it’s fertilizer.

I only point this out because it’s easy to miss the impact that we’re having.  Those of us with devangelical bent can look at our day to day success rate and get really depressed.  But if we take a long view, it’s damn encouraging.

We’ve talked plenty on this show about the statistical spike in atheism and that’s obviously the most important metric in this discussion so clearly we as a community are doing something right, but you don’t need pollsters and statisticians to see the difference we’re making.  If you want to know how far we’ve come, just look at the way the debate itself has evolved.

A hundred years ago people were still offering up positive examples in their argument for god.  They would point to things in the world and say, “therefore god”.  But as evolution, genetics, cosmology and physics have come into clearer focus, those arguments have been relegated to circle-jerks of stupidity.  The learned theists abandoned those positive examples and shifted to negative examples.  Instead of offering a case for god, they piss away their intellectual efforts poking holes in the alternatives.

Think about what a massive step backwards that really is.  You’ve gone from trying to prove that your god exists to trying to prove that the guy who says your god doesn’t exist is wrong on a topic that is only tangentially related.  Instead of “the human eye is awesome, therefore god” it’s become “the human eye could be less awesome, therefore possibly not un-god.”

Now, I don’t have to point out that if evolution were somehow proved to be incorrect, god doesn’t win by default.  If somehow it were proved that there’s no absolute secular moral standard that prohibits murder, god doesn’t somehow get promoted.  But the theists act like god is some kind of beauty pageant runner up or something.  Like he’s the vice-answer that gets to step in and take over if the real answer is ever unable to fulfill its duties.

And what’s worse is that they know that’s incorrect.  Sure, there are some ignorant jackasses defending Jesus that don’t recognize concepts like false-dichotomy, but there are plenty of damn smart theists arguing for god and they know good and damn well that knocking down evolution would really be step negative 26 toward proving god, but they still feel compelled to do it.  They know that before they can even get to their pathetic proofs they have to dig all that science and logic out of your brain to make room for Jesus.

Hell, I’m sure you’re as sick of hearing religiots saying “atheism is just another religion” as I am, but if you set aside how ridiculously wrong that is for a second you can’t help but admire what a huge win this is for us.  If their best argument is a false analogy that desperately hopes to prove that we suck as bad as they do, we’re clearly winning.

Every argument counts.  Every debate matters.  Every chip off that stone adds up.  Never lose sight of this important fact; everybody who has ever given up their faith, everybody who has ever set aside the prison of superstition and embraced reality did so because of one point; one question; one analogy  Sure, other people may have stacked a lot of hay on that camel before, but every time you put another straw on there, know that it might be the last one.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines is “guy who sounds like Randall from Clerks”, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to wrangle out the door for everyone?

There I go, and I am a bersker.  And speaking of Jersey, congrats to the Red Bank Humanists, who put up an atheist billboard that hasn’t been righteously vandalized yet.  

Give them time…

In our lead story tonight, Hasidic rabbis are estimated to body rape about 50 percent of the young boys they are divinely tasked with mind raping.  Victim activist – Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg – believes (quote) “around half of young males in Brooklyn, New York’s Hasidic community […] have been victims of sexual assault perpetrated by their elders.” (rear end quote) Ben Hirsch, director of victim advocacy group Survivors For Justice, suggests the number to be EVEN WORSE!!!

I’ve been saying it for years.  Why do you think they make the boys grow their hair out like that?  Fuckin’ rape handles.

These numbers are only estimates, admittedly based on anecdotal evidence, so let’s say these experts are WAY OFF this time.  Give them a terrible margin of error: say 60 percent (or 30 percentage points) . . . That means as many as 80 percent of young boys were sexually abused!!!  With a floor of 20 percent!!!  In this extremely generous expert mistake scenario, a minimum of ONE IN FIVE young boys gets raped!!!

Yeah, but I’m sure there was some kind of rape four, get the fifth one free going on.

When asked about how these numbers stack up against Catholics, I imagine one Hasidic Jewish victim responded: (quote) “Altar boy?  I should be so lucky.  Over there, they roll dice, so you only lose one in six.  Here they just flip a coin.” (end quote)  This was confirmed by one boldly honest hypothetical rabbi: (quote) “How do we decide who to rape and how?  We flip a shekel.  Heads and tails should be self-explanatory.” (rear end quote)

Yeah, the bell curve keeps skewing the Catholic’s way.  I swear, Pope Franks for Nothin’ gives a few more handjobs to people with boils on the Twitter and the secular community might just forget all about the institutionalized child rape thing.

As a reward for whistle blowing all the whistle blowing, Rabbi Rosenberg has been shunned by the Hasidic community and attacked with bleach.  Muslims throw acid, Jews throw strong base.  They really are the Yankees and Red Sox of monotheism.  Before we wrap up this wonderful story, I’d like to applaud us for omitting the graphic details of the pedophilia witnessed in 2005 by Rabbi Rosenberg in Jerusalem’s holiest bath house.  At least atheists call a brothel a brothel.    

Hasidic rabbis rape about half the available little boys: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/13/can-this-number-be-credible-jewish-anti-abuse-activists-say-half-of-hasidic-boys-are-raped-by-elders/

And in “Turn the Other Cheek my Ass” news tonight, Texas congressmen Sam Johnson is livid over an infringement on his freedom to tell other people what to do.  The cataclysmic affront to American values began early last month when the Air Force Academy chose to make the “under god” portion of it’s service oath optional.

What’s his complaint exactly? . . .  The earth science section of the bible puts god at 30,000 feet.  They routinely fly above that altitude.

Coupling his outrage over the service-oath adjustment with the ever-present fury over being named after a cock and bearing a striking resemblance to the pedophile character in Family Guy, Johnson lashed out with a proposed bill that would require congressional approval before any changes could be made to the administration of the uniformed service oath.

What the fuck?!?  Nobody’s suggesting radical, overtly atheist language anywhere.  This is the mildest change ever, and he’s complaining.  All that’s happening, is we’re no longer specifying the thing under which we are.  We’re not even saying whether that thing is or isn’t.  We’re just not addressing the prepositional concept of “under”.  So we’ve offensively ignored the ever-latent above/below duality in the oath?!?  Really?!?    

I’m guessing his justification won’t placate you much.  He said that (quote) “There are no atheists in foxholes.  We are the land of the free because of the brave” (end quote).  So setting aside the brazen douche-baggery it takes to act like brave and atheist are mutually exclusive, I think it’s important to note that this move was made to accommodate atheists in the military.  If, as Representative Circumcised Salami claims, there are no atheists in the military, what is he so pissed off about?

Airforce makes “Under God” pledge optional, Texas congressman is livid: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/09/texas-congressman-is-on-the-warpath-to-make-atheist-military-cadets-swear-an-oath-containing-so-help-me-god/

In “Darwin Awards Talent Search” news, Tennessee pastor and aspiring Indiana Jones villain – Andrew Hamblin – vows to continue handing deadly serpents to local stupid people, despite a raid by wildlife authorities that emptied his Temple-of-Doom-style snake pit.  

Sorry, but my inner-geek has to point out that in Temple of Doom it was bugs, not snakes.  The snakes were in the first one.

Indiana Jones minutia notwithstanding, the atheist community is buzzing, as we may have finally discovered a stupid thing caused by dogmatic adherence to wrongness books.          

See, I think you might be letting your personal biases color your appraisal of this situation.  After all, who are you to say that giving deadly serpents to inbred Christians is a bad thing.  I mean, we all agree that genocide is a bad thing when it isn’t voluntary, but this is new ground on the moral landscape here.

The level of stupidity does make it tricky.  Hamblin was asked: (quote) “Using the word ‘snakes’ three times, and a dumb redneck speech pattern, please tell us your opinion on the raid.”  He responded (quote) “It doesn’t bother me that they took the snakes, because I can always get more snakes. There can always be more snakes that can be found.”

Someone yelled “Not enough dumb redneck speech pattern!” . . .

At which point Hamblin added, “And that don’t deter me . . . [Go wait in the truck!]”

I’m disappointed.  I was hoping for him to put up more of a fight.  Something like, “You can have my snakes when you pry them from my cold, necrotic stumps.”

When asked for a final quote that betrays his untenable stance, accidentally making the atheist point for us, he said: (quote) “What bothers me is that this is not a place of business.  This is not a home.  Had this been a home or a business, yes, raid it.  But this is a church.  This is a place of worship.” (end quote)  We pray here.  This is GOD’S stash of heroin and dirty bombs.  This is GOD’S frenzied pack of herpetic wolverines.

Knoxville Preacher busted with illegal snakes: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/08/tennessee-wildlife-resources-agency-has-had-it-with-these-mothering-snakes-in-this-mothering-church/

And in part two of our weekly denigration of Texas tonight, polyamorous pastor Doug Phillips has stepped down as the head of the Texas-based “Vision Forum Ministries” after admitting to an extramarital platonic affair.  That’s right, when faced with overwhelming evidence that the married father of eight was fuckin’ the baby sitter, he admitted to having an inappropriate, but not sexual relationship.  I shit you not, (quote) “While we did not ‘know’ each other in a Biblical sense, [the relationship] was nevertheless inappropriately romantic and affectionate”

  • Worst clergy excuse since: “There’s nothing about the neighbor’s husband.”

  • “I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY because we did it Muslim style.  I knew her Kor-Anally.”  

  • “There might be some creationism in her uterus, but it’s not mine.  It’s one of God’s children.  My DNA test was immaculate.”

  • “I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY, but I poked my nose between her pages a little, if you know what I’m sayin’.”  

Phillips is an outspoken proponent of male “dominion” over women and preaches a notoriously sexist, arrogant and antiquated view of marriage.  Needless to say. news of his adultery left his congregants expressing shock that there were multiple women that would fuck him.

Well the baby sitter didn’t fuck him.  At most, she gave him a “know job”.  She knew him like a mohel knows a bloody, mutilated, infant penis.

While Phillips has stepped down as the public face of the for-profit ministry, he still maintains ownership and control in every way that matters.  He’s cancelled all his speaking engagements for the foreseeable future and intends to spend his time, (quote), “focusing on counting the 3 million dollars a year I rake in telling women to go make me a sandwich, motherfuckers!!!”

Patriarchy priest resigns because of extramarital affair: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/06/homeschooling-leader-doug-phillips-resigns-amidst-extramarital-relationship-keeps-business/

And in “Felix and Oscars” news, the coveted homophobic “Bigot of the Year” at the Stonewall Awards goes to Pat Robertson, for being the person who most “gratuitously caused hurt and offense to gay people” over the last twelve months of the hate season.  

In our wildest dreams, we’ll never be as powerful a force for atheism as that frothing lunatic.

Seems to me like Robertson is the Meryl Streep of the Stonewall Awards, and deserves more of a lifetime achievement presentation.  But they couldn’t fit all that queer-hate into a single video montage, so they had to settle on highlights from this year only.  

And keep in mind that he’s a multi-instrumentalist in the bigotry orchestra.  He managed to squeeze award winning amounts of queer-hatin’ in while still hating atheists, Muslims, jews, actors, blacks, latinos, asians, Ukrainians… that guy is a machine.

So if you’re wondering how to gratuitously hurt and offend gays, here’s a few examples from a positive role model.  Start by comparing transgender people as a group, to your castrated horse.  Evidently, they hate that.  Then maybe suggest that laws against anti-gay discrimination are unconsitutional because Christians could go to jail.  Follow this up by pointing out that gays are just straight people who (quote) “had the god fucked out of them.”  Then round out your homophobic rant by asking for a “vomit button” for disliking gay shit on Facebook.  And finally close it with a line about the secret “GAIDS Handshake” dirty needle rings.

Pat Robertson wins “Bigot of the Year” award: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/08/pat-robertson-bigot-of-the-year_n_4240117.html

And in “What, no Manna?” news tonight, American pastor Eric Foley became the latest in a long and proud line of Christian missionaries who have gone to great lengths and expense to give bibles to starving people.

“I’m about to die of malnutrition, so thanks for this . . . I’d wipe my ass with the pages, but I don’t shit, because I don’t eat, so . . . I guess it’ll be nice to have something unreadable to look at until I die tomorrow.  You’re sure this is gonna work?  I skim the first and last sentence of each chapter, and I’ll be able to BS my way into heaven?  Apparently St. Peter is a shitty middle school English teacher.”

This latest misguided attempt at a high-fiber diet took place along the border of North Korea, where Christian mission group and sad attempt at cleverness “Seoul USA” has been surreptitiously dropping balloon-loads of bibles on the malnourished populace of one of the world’s most oppressive governments for months.

I’ve got a suggestion for where those bullshit-smugglers can put the balloons full of bibles.  Clergy experiment with “religion via suppository” all the time.  Doesn’t usually get them in trouble.  

When asked why they chose to sneak bibles into the country instead of useful stuff like food, medicine or anything other than a bible, Reverend Foley chewed on his cellphone or barked or something because you’d have to be a drooling fucking retard not to realize what an insultingly stupid waste of resources this is.

Korean Bible Drop: http://www.foxnews.com/world/2013/11/08/bible-drop-christian-group-takes-to-sky-to-sneak-gospel-into-north-korea/

And from the expansive “Christian Forcing Captive Kids to Do Stuff” file, school bus driver, Minnesota pastor, and asshole with roman numerals after his name – George Nathaniel EyeEyeEye – was fired from his more gainful employment for refusing to stop evangelizing to public school children stuck in his prayer bus.

That’s gotta make it damn hard to maintain the “back and forth jostling bus stiffy”.

After complaints of unsolicited religious advances, he was assigned to a different group of children, much like a disgraced priest.  Finally, after failing to heed repeated warnings to stop violating district policy and the First Amendment, EyeEyeEye was terminated.  The district of Burnsville will have to quickly find someone qualified to … silently drive a bus.

Okay, question one; the wheels on the bus go round and… what?  Okay good.  Question two; it is acceptable to theologically brain rape the kids (a) occasionally or (b) never?

This week’s set of headlines seem to have established a theme of mental rape more than usual, so I guess I’ll roll with it . . . Put in the worst possible words, kids do need to be brain raped to some extent.  Gotta learn.  But let’s keep it to a minimum.  Maybe just true things, if we’re making a rule about minimizing the brain rape.

Bus driver refuses to stop praying to captive children, gets fired: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/07/praying-bus-driver-fired_n_4234315.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, in part three of our weekly denigration of Texas, Pastor Phillip Heinze of the Calvary Lutheran Church in Fort Worth has learned that raping people’s brains is a lot like raping people’s assholes… it helps if they’re drunk.  This inspiration led him to start an outreach program called, “Church-in-a-pub”.

Fort Worth WalMart is installing a pub?  Texans can finally get drunk, buy guns, hate queers, and love Jesus, all under one roof.  Used to be two roofs.  

Firmly supplanting karaoke as the most annoying thing in a bar, the unconventional location for the ministry helps spread the word of Jesus to the segment of society most likely to be dealing with perpetually damaged brain cells while simultaneously sparing the congregation the expense of rent.

So at the risk of overplaying this bit, 30 seconds on the clock, Jesus themed booze:

Killed By Jews Booze . . . Gotta explain something here.  The reason we go after the Jews so much is primarily because “Jew” is a single syllable that works easily into puns.  It’s nothing personal except when it is.  Anyway. . . Holy Spirits – Game On! . . .

Jesus of Nazar-Ethanol

One Samuel Adams?

Glenn Beck’s?  No, fuck him . . . King James-eson?

Burning Busch

Remy Martin Luther . . . Origin and Tonic

Absolution Vodka

Well he probably didn’t like Rusty Nails . . . Screwdriver Up Against the Cross With a Twist?

Fort Worth congregation starts “Church-in-a-pub”: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/12/texas-church-attracts-new-followers-with-beer/

And on that long list of reasons to take a quick break from recording, we’ll wrap the headlines.  Heath, thanks for your biting wit and insight.

And when we come back, we’ll be drunker.

Skit:

Mark: C’mon in guys.

Matthew: Sup Mark?

Mark: Nothin’ much.  Appreciate you guys coming out.  Is um… where’s John?

Luke: He had a date.

Mark: A date?

Matthew: Yeah… he said he would just copy off our notes later.

Mark: Really?  I mean, we’re transcribing the life of god’s only begotten son.  Pretty important that he… you know, show up.

Luke: You got any beers?

Mark: No, Luke, this is serious stuff.  I figured we would stay sober for it.

Luke: (mockingly) I figured we’d stay sober…

Mark: So go ahead and grab a quill and some parchment there.  I figured we could just jot down a few notes before we got started.

Matthew: What notes?  We were all there.  Can’t we just tell the story the way we saw it?

Mark: Sure, Luke, that’s the plan, but this is possibly the most important story ever recorded.  It’s vital that we present a unified account of the events.  You know, for posterity.

Matthew: Sure, why not?

Mark: Okay, so let’s start with Jesus’s birth.  Jesus was born in Nazareth…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  Bethlehem.  Galilee.

Mark: What?

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  Bethlehem.  Galilee.

Mark: No, Nazareth.

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  No, Bethlehem.  No, Galilee

Mark: His last name is “Of Nazareth”.

Luke: Yeah, but they moved to Nazareth later.  He was born in Bethlehem.

Matthew: In a manger.

Mark: What?

Matthew: Yeah, because of the census.

Mark: What census?

Luke: Oooh… and his mom was a virgin.

Matthew: Nice.

Mark: Guys, that doesn’t even make sense.  Look, we need to take this seriously.

Luke: Oh, and check this out; how about three wise men showed up when he was born and crowned him the king of earth while he was still a baby.

Matthew: I don’t know about all that, but I like the virgin birth bit.

Mark: But that didn’t happen!  Guys, I think it’s important that we don’t exaggerate.

Luke: Who’s exaggerating?  If he hadn’t been crowned king, how else would he have escaped king Herod’s order to execute all the children under two years of age.

Mark: The what?

Matthew: And he had laser vision!

Mark: No laser vision.

Matthew: Aw, c’mon…

Mark: Look, I’m writing down Nazareth.  Jesus was born in Nazareth.

Luke: Fine.  I’m writing down he was born in Bethlehem to a virgin during a Roman census under the threat of Herod’s infanticidal dictum.

Matthew: And I’m giving him laser vision.

Mark: No laser vision!

Matthew: No beer, no laser vision… you suck, Mark.

Mark: You know what, let’s just… let’s just put the birth stuff on the back burner for a minute.  I mean, this story is more about his death than his birth anyway, right?

Luke: Couldn’t agree more.

Mark: So we do all agree that he was crucified, right?

Luke: Of course.

Mark: So they stick him on the cross, he cries out for god and then he dies.

Luke: Right.

Matthew: I think it would be better if… and just hear me out on this one, but wouldn’t it be better if he forgave his killers?  And then reassured the good thief and then like… offered himself up to god.  That would be way cooler.

Mark: Yeah, maybe, but that’s not how it happened.

Matthew: Well, maybe that’s how I remember it.

Mark: Guys, this is getting out of hand here.  Jesus gets crucified, he cries out to god and he dies.  They stick him in the tomb.

Luke: Right.  And then his mom and his lady friend went back to the tomb…

Mark: …wasn’t Salome there as well?

Matthew: …and Joanna.

Mark: And when they get there, they find…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously): Two men in dazzling apparel The angel of the lord

Mark: See, this is what I’m talking about.  It was a dude in a white robe.  It ends with them finding the empty tomb and a dude in a white robe.  The end, roll credits.

Matthew: Well, what about when he came back to life?

Mark: When he what!?

Matthew: Yeah, he appeared in a room in Jerusalem…

Luke: …a mountain in Galilee you mean…

Matthew: …to his disciples…

Luke: …and everybody else…

Matthew: …and he assured them that he would come again.

Luke: …and he had an army of zombies.

Mark: Guys, this just happened.  If you we write that he had an army of zombies and laser vision everybody’s gonna know you’re full of shit.

Matthew: Okay fine, no laser vision.

Luke: But we’re keeping the zombies.

Mark: We’re not keeping the zombies.

Luke: In my gospel, there’s gonna be zombies.

Mark: What do you mean your gospel?  There’s just gonna be one gospel.

Luke:  I thought we’d each write our own.

Yeah, that sounds way better.

Mark: Well… fine, but we at least have to get the details right, then.  I mean, how can we each throw out a gospel that tells a different story about the guy?  Who would ever believe that?

Luke: You’d be surprised.

Outro

Before we lick the plate tonight I wanted to thank everybody who checked out our CafePress site at CafePress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and picked up some of the fine logoed merchandise there.  I’m sure a lot of little faces are gonna be really happy when they unwrap that Scathing Atheist logo beer stein on Christmas morning.

I also wanted to let everyone who hasn’t checked out the site know that we have a special going on Scathing Atheist Christmas Tree ornaments so if you have one of those trees at the local mall that let’s people put up their own ornaments or anything, it’s six dollars and sixty-six cents well spent.  Also a great one to sneak onto grandma’s tree to get an awkward conversation started.

Also need to thank John and JD from the Rational Talk podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  They’re podcast is a new one, but it’s fun, it’s raunchy and it’s got a lot of promise; definitely one worth checking out.  The name makes it hard to Google so be sure to check the shownotes on this week’s episode for a link or check them out at THE Rational Talk (dot) com.

Also need to thank Lucinda as always for molding me into the human being that I am today through boundless reserves of patience and tolerance.  Oh, and also for providing the explicit language warning this week.  And also for that thing she does with her tongue and she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I also need to thank Heath for that thing he does with his tongue; and for all you know, I’m referring to all the talking and being funny he does on this show every week.  And while we’re doling out appreciation, I also want to thank Tony Romo and Dez Bryant for sucking balls against the Saints last week leading to an improbable and narrow victory for my Fantasy Team over Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, thus ending a three game slide and putting me back into third place as we approach the postseason.

But most of all I need to thank this week’s distressingly short list of the world’s best people, Robert and Thomas.  Robert, whose penis is rivalled in size and power only by the high water mark of the Mongolian empire and Thomas, whose evolutionary perfection would make his genetic code an international best-seller.  These two pillars of humanity have improved the lives of countless rational beings across the Virgo Cluster this week by giving us money.  Our donation system is, of course, highly selective in who it will allow to give us money, but if you think you share the pansophical cunning of Robert and Thomas, feel free to find out by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And remember, the more money it allows you to give, the better a human being you are.

Oh, and a quick note.  Up to now I’ve done a song on every tenth episode.  I’ve got one written for episode 40 but with the Holy Babble segment and the poem and everything we won’t have room for it next week so you’ll have to wait an extra week to hear me sing about priests raping children.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight.  Remember people who give us a five star reviews on iTunes, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, follow the blog and like us on Facebook get eternal oral sex after they die, and if you don’t believe me, I can write it down in a book and then quote that book to prove it.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 37 Partial Transcript

October 31, 2013 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final production due to time constraints.

Warning: This podcast contains language that would make the baby Jesus cry.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Terrorist Surplus Outlet, Jihobby-Lobby.  Come on in to a branch near you for all your plastic explosive and multi-colored wire needs.

Mention this ad and get half off those big red digital countdown displays Hollywood directors seem to think people actually put on bombs.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s Halloween,

And it looks like a whole bunch of chickens had abortions last night.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from scantily clad New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll remind you in advance that deaf people can’t hear the jokes we make about them,

  • We’ll be one of six programs released today that don’t use any crappy halloween puns,

  • And we’ll delve elbow deep into the gayest book of the bible so far.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe

I really like to argue online.  It’s a largely pointless guilty pleasure and I know that people who post Answers In Genesis inspired memes aren’t doing so in hopes of opening an earnest discussion about faith and philosophy, but I love to do it.

I should point out right up front that I’m talking about arguing, not debating.  If somebody wants to have a genuine discussion about their beliefs that’s great, but I’m not your man.  Debate is important and I believe that it’s a vital form of atheist outreach and I entrust it to people with more experience and patience than myself.

But when it comes to knock down, drag out, fuck you, no fuck you arguing… not to pat my own back or anything, but that’s kind of where I shine.  I don’t think it serves much of a purpose, but damn it if I don’t enjoy the hell out of it.

So the other day I’m surfing through a number of atheism pages on Facebook looking for a troll to crush and I come upon one of the stupidest syllogisms ever offered in this or any other debate.  As I marvelled at the stupidity it took to construct this heresy against reason I tried to catalog everything that made it wrong but it seemed like a formula would be needed… or a calculator and a three dimensional chart or something.

So here it is in all it’s stupid glory:

1. Any position which is unfalsifiable is unscientific

2. Atheism is unfalsifiable.

3. Therefore atheism is unscientific.

Where to start, right?  So before we get to the reason I’m bringing this up, let me just take care of a few of the fatal flaws here.  First of all, atheism isn’t a claim, it’s the rejection of a claim.  Egg salad isn’t falsifiable and yet it exists.  Atheism doesn’t make any claims, it just rejects really stupid ones with insufficient supporting evidence.  So there’s that.

But the far more glaring error here is this inability of theist debaters to recognize the whole meaning of the term “falsifiability”.  So let’s pretend for the moment that atheism is me saying “there definitely isn’t a god”.  It’s not, but for the moment let’s pretend it is.  If you substitute almost any other word for god, it becomes painfully obvious how incredibly “falsifiable” this statement is.  “There definitely isn’t Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”

You see them make this same stupid mistake when they talk about evolution.  Of course, you and I know all about rabbits in the Cambrian and what-not, but you’ll still hear these foaming-at-the-mouth intellectual bodyguards for Jesus claiming that evolution isn’t falsifiable.

The problem is a complete recognition of what science means about “falsifiability”.  We’re talking about the intrinsic quality of falsifiability; theoretical falsifiability.  They’re talking about the ability to prove it wrong.  They’re actually saying, “Evolution isn’t scientific because I can’t prove it wrong.”  They don’t seem to realize that the inability to falsify a theoretically falsifiable statement is the closest damn thing there can possibly be to proof that it is correct.  They’re mistaking falsifiable with falsified.

Yes, you can’t falsify evolution… because it’s fucking correct!  You can’t falsify atheism… because there’s no fucking god!  People have been looking for that elusive bastard for tens of thousands of years at least and still not one shred of credible evidence has arisen to help them out.  And yet they’re trying to act like this fatal flaw somehow bolsters their claim.

And as asinine as it seems to me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the people in the “invisible-man-in-another-dimension-whose-ways-are-too-mysterious-for-you-to-comprehend” camp are fuzzy on the concept of falsifiability.

Headlines

Joining me for Headlines tonight is racist satire aficionado, Heath Enwright.  Heath, which do you prefer; Asians or whites?

I’m glad you asked . . . I’m going with Asians.  I’m uncomfortable with anyone who has “Lee” in their name that isn’t Asian.  Lee Iococca, Lee Harvey Oswald, Robert E. Lee … Nothing but trouble.

I don’t know if I agree with that.  Ang Lee pisses me off and he’s Asian.

In our lead story tonight, the good old boy network that runs the lucrative South Carlonia Christian soup kitchen sector, continues to thwart the existence of secular morality by refusing to employ volunteer atheist ladlers.  And in Onion Headline Form- French Onion Headline Form . . .

“Stewish Mafia Godfather Refuses Atheist Request, Even at Daughter’s Italian Wedding.”

Yeah, so they won’t allow atheists to ladle soup and then they fault them for not doing enough charity work.  It’s like justifying an invasion because the country had weapons of mass destruction after spending decades selling them weapons of mass destruction.  And you’d have to be an idiot to do that… or vote for somebody who had already done that.

Let’s get straight to it.  Lightning Round.  15 seconds on the clock . . .  

Religion Brand Soups, GO!

Jew-cumber soup?… no fuck, wait… that’s just Matzah ball soup.

“Schismed Pea with Ham” … or “Crock of Shit, Pee with Ham”  

Well we can’t do beans and pasta because God Hates Fagioli…

Shark of the Covenant Fin

Cream of Altar Boy.  (known to our Scottish listeners as “Cock-a-leekie”)

Maybe some atheist brands … Manhattan Scam Doubter … Nietzsche-Soise.  

Maybe Bouillabaisse-ic logic?

Christianity: Bouillabaissed on a Jew story . . .

Not sure if this fits, but atheist stem cell researchers call their inputs “Egg Drop Soup”

No Soup for you: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/23/south-carolina-soup-kitchen-director-bans-atheist-volunteers-saying-they-would-be-a-disservice-to-this-community/

And in “Did I mention I’m a Monday through Friday Adventist?” news tonight, Christian egotist and person whose name is too goofy for a character in Hunger Games Celestina Mba is suing for the right of all religious people to have days off when god tells them too.

Rabbis work every Saturday, and Priests work every Sunday.  Religion’s entire corporate structure breaks that rule every week.  What the fuck?!?  

And yet she was fired from her job after refusing to work Sundays.  After extreme poverty left her apparently unable to buy a vowel, Mba sued.

Not too many black women with MBA at the end of their name.

Ouch… The court ruled on the side of fucking off.  Pointing out that fucking off was also against her religion, she appealed the verdict and now seeks to take it to a higher court.

Then she plans on suing the NFL for refusing to hire Christians.  I hope they schedule all her court appearances on Sundays for secular spite.  

Invoking the bafflingly common Christian mantra of “treating everyone the same discriminates against Christians”, an attorney working on Mba’s behalf points out that the courts allow people to wear religious bracelets and have religious haircuts, so how is that any different than this almost completely unrelated issue?

That’s literally part of their argument.  If black people get corn rows, we get Sundays off.

Christian sues for right not to work on Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/24/christian-employee-seeks-appeal-for-refusing-to-work-on-sundays/

And from the “Ears In Heaven, Hell in Keller” file, Pat Robertson explains that being deaf is your mother’s fault, faith healing is like Santa Claus, and only God can heal people.  Also, Pat Robertson can heal people.  

And barring that, he can say shit that will make you not mind being deaf.

This particular tribute to religion and senility began when the mother of a deaf person asked why prayer wasn’t restoring function to the axons and dendrites in her son’s ears.  Robertson – chief auditory neurologist of “The 700 Club” – explained that deaf people’s prayers tend to be badly enunciated.  But if the speech-capable mother was praying too, she must be holding the wand wrong or something.

Or perhaps she hadn’t properly arranged the entrails before the bloody altar.  Or maybe she forgot to click her heels together three times.

My first instinct tells me she forgot to rebuke the spirit of deafness.  Robertson agreed, saying (quote) “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed and so I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” (end quote)  You gotta really rebuke it nice and loud.  She probably didn’t rebuke loud enough.  

This animated cadaver is an endless pipeline of crazy.  Every week it’s something even more insultingly stupid than the last.  Now he’s claiming that not only can he heal deaf people with a magical incantation but that it has such a high success rate that he’s literally baffled that someone else is unable to do it.  We’re talking about a Jesus-level miracle and he’s acting like she can’t reset the time on her phone.

He continued: “Listen up, deaf listeners.  Faith healing is just like Santa Claus.  He’s got a pack on his back and he has gifts and he’s passing these gifts out but they come from God.  Only God can heal people … and also me.  And if you really need those ears right away, there’s always a letter to the north pole, or a journey down the yellow brick road to see the wizard.”       

Pat Robertson and Jesus could have cured Helen Keller: http://www.christianpost.com/news/pat-robertson-tells-mother-i-dont-know-what-youre-doing-wrong-he-can-cure-deafness-107454/

And in the Pubic Defender file tonight, I was ecstatic this week to find that the following headline and subsequent news item was not from a satire site, “British taxpayers foot three hundred and fifty thousand pound legal bill for Muslim Pubic hair battle”.

350,000 pounds – That’s a lot of pubes.  

The story centers around a mentally disabled 30 year old woman and her parent’s two year battle to shave her pubes.

Well we Americans wasted a lot more money than that on our retarded bush problems.         

Way better than my stab at ‘W’… well done.  So apparently Muslim tradition requires that women shave their pubes, which shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows anything about Muhammad’s child-fucking proclivities.  But since their severely handicapped daughter isn’t under their care and the person who is caring for her is a bit uncomfortable about the idea of two adults she doesn’t know making aesthetic changes to her genital region, they took it to court.

Isn’t this just a simple case of what man owns her?

Well we’ll never know because days before the scheduled hearing, after hundreds of thousands of dollars had been spent preparing for the case, the parents unexpectedly dropped the suit leading to one of the greatest understatements in legal history.  Justice Roderic Wood who pointed out that (quote) “…there are many competing cases of equal if not greater urgency than this one.”

Yeah, there’s an Orthodox Jew with Tourette’s who wants to bleach her asshole.

Muslim parents sue for right to shave their retarded daughter’s pubes: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/10396170/Taxpayers-foot-350k-legal-bill-for-Muslim-pubic-hair-battle.html

And in “What’s the worst that could… How did we do an entire story about religious people and their pubes, without an Occam’s Razor joke?!?

We’re losing our… edge?  Shit… I guess that lame joke is exhibit B.

And in “What’s the worst that could happen?” news, a twelve-year-old girl hanged herself to be with her dead father in heaven, only to find out she forgot to read the fine print about suicide, and now she’s either in hell, or just normal secular dead.

True story: Friend of the show Eli Bosnick posted this story on his Facebook wall and some Christian asshat comes back and says, “Well if somebody had told her suicide was a mortal sin, this never would have happened.”  Yeah… that’s the metaphysical fuck up here.  But Eli posed the right question.  If you honestly think she’s in Heaven now, didn’t she do the right thing?  And if you honestly think that your god would stick this little girl in hell, why would you praise him?

Every parent needs to know about an important principle.  It’s bad to kill your child with lies … AND … it’s also bad to kill them with truths.  Lacsap’s Wager tells us that even if you believe in the afterlife, you might as well teach your children about reality, just to be sure they don’t hang themselves.  Decomposing in a box next to daddy, isn’t nearly as glamorous as the express escalator to heaven.

That kid is back on the escalator to heaven: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/27/to-be-with-her-father-in-heaven-girl-12-commits-suicide/

Man am I glad that story’s over.  And finally tonight, in “We put the organ in organic” news, a website that doesn’t remotely seem like a credible news source is reporting that the Hasidic yeshiva of Gur has banned students from eating soy-based products, fearing soy might lead to gay sex.

Fossilized human remains in Asia show that people were using edamame as anal beads . . . Or possibly just eating edamame.  Point being, Jew rules about gays aren’t an exact science.  They kind of just spray at the wall and see what sticks.

Officials at the school warn that even one soy based product a week can lead to unwanted arousal, which goes a long way toward explaining Japanese porn.  They warn that soy contains magical circle-jerk hormones.

Which is true, if graded on a Hasidic Rabbi bullshit curve.

Rabbi bans soy because it may cause gay sex: http://www.yourjewishnews.com/2013/10/n29787.html?m=1

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.

All this nihilism is exhausting.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in wishing that god appreciated word economy.

Poem

I read One Samuel and the whole time I was thinking to myself, “hey, this should make for a pretty easy poem.  It tells a linear story, it makes sense, there’s a cornucopia of characters, a lot of shit rhymes with Sam and Saul…”

So I guess that it shouldn’t have surprised me at all that somebody already wrote a perfectly good poem about this particular book of the bible and far be it from me to try to outdo a master of the poetic arts.  So with apologies to the original author, I present to you… 1 Samuel:

I am Sam.

I am Sam.

Sam I am.

That Sam-I-am!

That Sam-I-am!

Do you like the Philistines?

I do not like those Philistines,

For god has said they are unclean,

I want to do things really mean,

To every single Philistine.

Would you like them Here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I thought that god had made it clear,

We should take to them the sword and spear.

We should slaughter each one like a lamb,

Because I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

Would you like them in a house?

We should burn them in their house,

We should plague them with a mouse.

We should kill each child and spouse,

And treat them like a pubic louse.

We should catch their sheep and goats,

Kill their herds and burn their boats,

We should do what god denotes,

And slit their motherfucking throats.

I do not give a tinker’s damn,

I just don’t like them, Sam-I-Am.

Would you like them in a box?

Well sure, as long as that thing locks.

Plague them with a burning pox,

Feed them to a hungry fox,

With their normal, human, uncut cocks.

Would you like them with a van?

Am I mincing words here, man?

I would not like them in a van.

I would not like them in a can.

I despise each member of their clan.

I would not like them in a house,

I would not like them with a mouse,

I would not like them with a fox,

I would not like them wearing socks,

I would not like them in the night,

I would not like them in the light,

In no death would I find more delight…

Except for those Amalekites.

Babble

By far the most interesting book so far in the bible, 1 Samuel employs things like wordplay, foreshadowing, story arch

…and gay sex…

in a way that has been lacking since the last few chapters of Genesis.  And while the story is still horrible and largely immoral, it’s a much better read than the shit we’ve waded through to get here.

Yeah against all odds, they manage to limbo under the St. Louis Gateway Arch

So to help us break down yet another 66th of this book is my lovely wife, Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Hi ya!

Why don’t you start us off with… let’s say Chapter one.

  1. First we meet Hannah, whose husband Elkanah preferred her to his other wife even though his other wife had kids.

    1. Right. So she prays to god to have a son (because fuck daughters) and promises if god will grant her a son, she’ll give him to the priesthood.  So basically she wanted all the fun of childbirth without tedium of having an offspring.

    2. So god does and she does and this kid is the titular Samuel.

  2. So little Sam ends up ministering with Phineas and Ferb, the sons of Eli..

    1. Phineas and Hophni

    2. That’s what I said.  Anyway, these guys are really shitty priests that abuse their power and god’s only willing to overlook that shit for so long.

    3. At least one century in the case of Catholic pedophiles.

  • I thought the first rabbi to start signing tits was Matisyahu, but apparently these guys had ethnic groupies way back.  And what’s the point in running a tabernacle, if you can’t fuck the sluts that work the front door, right?  Eli gets mad, and yells at his sons: “This isn’t a restaurant…You don’t fuck the barely legal hostesses.  What did we just talk about?!?”  

  1. Then the Philistines show up and attack because that’s what Philistines do.  The Jews get their asses kicked and they’re all like, “Hey, why you reckon god would have let them kick our asses like that?”

    1. So to find out they order that the Ark of the Covenant be brought to the battlefield so they could walkie-talkie heaven for help.  But then the Philistines just say, “Hey, look, it’s a box with god in it.  Kill them and take it.”  And then do.

    2. Phineas and Ferb die in the battle and when Eli hears about that he says, “meh…” but then the messenger says, “Oh yeah, and they took Indiana Jones’ box, too” he freaks out, falls over and breaks his neck.

    3. And Phineas’ wife hears about everybody dying and the godbox going missing so she freaks out, shits out the kid she’d been baking and dies too.

  2. So they take the ark to Ashdod and put it in the temple next to a statue of their god; god decapitates the statue, gives them some cancer, you know, normal god stuff.

    1. And for seven months they keep taking it to this city or that one and every time they do everybody gets cancer or something and they move it again.

  • Little did they know, the Jews switched the God-Box, for a box of weapons-grade plutonium they got from the Ralien Lizard-People during the redacted book after Leviticus, rumoured to be called Atomic Numbers.  

  1. So the Philistines call up the Jews and say, “Here take your fucking box back already, this shit sucks.”

    1. But the Jews won’t just take it back and lift the curse or anything.  They start going all “Knights that say Neek” on them and ask for… I shit you not… five golden mice and five golden tumors.  TUMORS!  They ask them to make molds of their tumors and cover them in gold or god won’t lift his curse.

  • “And not too expensive, but the following items must be covered in gold.  We want five gilded lillies- shit no that feels like a mistake.  Five . . . mice . . . and five . . . malignant tumors this time, you cheaters.”

  1. Then they get the ark back and everyone rejoices.

  2. Then all the people show up begging Samuel to appoint a king.  Because, you know, people are always wanting to be ruled over by tyrants.

    1. And Samuel tries to talk them out of it.  “He’ll be a dick and he’ll take their cattle and their slaves and all their best stuff and he’ll march them out to die in battle for him.”

    2. And the people are like, “Yeah, that’s cool.  We just really, really want a dictator, who will later control how history records this moment in time.”

  3. Now we meet Saul who is supremely qualified to be a king since he’s both tall and handsome.

  • I’ve always said I’d rule the Jews well.  I’m at least half qualified.        

    1. So Saul is wandering around all of Israel looking for his dad’s donkeys when he runs into Samuel, who makes him king in full blown “Kung Fu Panda” style.

    2. The “King of Israel can’t find his ass with both hands” joke is too easy, huh?

  1. So Sammy boy announces Sauls king-ness and everybody says, “Well, sure… he’s tall.”

  • This chapter gets pretty gay pretty fast.  Starts out with Samuel pouring oil on Saul while they make out.  Then Samuel tells Saul to go meet two men in a graveyard who will give up those asses he’s been searching for.  Just say, “I’m Saul, and I’m here to trap that ass.”  And then it ends with Saul’s disappointed dad saying, “What shall I do about my son?” … Just another gay in the life.

    1. And then chapter 10 closes off with a quick “Meanwhile” aside: Meanwhile, there was an evil Ammonite king that was gouging out the right eye of all the Reubenites and Gadites.

  1. Then the Ammonite king attacks Jabesh-Gilead and the people try to make peace with him and they say “Alright, evil king, what are your terms?” and he replies, “I want to poke all of your right eyes out.  It’s kind of my thing.”  So they think about it and say, “Give us a week.”

    1. And when Saul hears about this, he gets so pissed he hacks his oxen to death and then mails chunks of them around the country because, as we’ve seen before, chopped up bits of dead thing sent UPS is the best way to rally Jews.

  • Some of the Jews must have got the package late though, right?  Guy walks into the kitchen with his right eye in his hand: “Honey, did you forget to give me this decomposing hoof we got in the mail yesterday?  Cause I thought we all agreed to the gouge plan, and here I can plainly half-see that you still have both your eyes.  Kind of an important message.”  

    1. So they defeat the Ammonite king that seems to have shown up for no reason but to give Saul an ass to kick.

  1. So here’s Chapter 12 in nine words: “Whose house?  God’s house!  Said whose house?  God’s house!”   

  2. So now Saul is feeling big-dicked so he says, fuck it, let’s wipe out all the Philistines, which would have been fine, but he fucked up some ritual animal slaughter minutia so god abandoned him.

  3. And just when you’re thinking, “Hey, this book isn’t too bad”, chapter 14 brings us more genocide and some divine retribution for honey eating.

    1. Yeah.  It all starts when Saul’s son Jonathon and his gay lover provoke a war.

    2. But Saul curses anyone who eats that day and nobody tells Johnny, so he eats a drop of honey (off the spear he’s been killing people with) and for that he’s sentenced to (almost) die… Then the army feasts on sheep sushi.

  4. In chapter 15 god puts that whole “all-knowing” thing to rest once and for all when he starts regretting making Saul king.

    1. Right, and why does he regret it?  Because when he tells Saul to wipe out all the Amalekites, he keeps a few of the cattle alive.  And that’s the last straw dammit.

  5. No surprise that Saul isn’t exactly anxious to give back supreme authority so he tells Samuel to fuck off.  Then god commands Samuel to go find David and anoint him king.

    1. So now Saul’s tormented by evil spirits and his servants say, “You know what helps with evil spirits?  Lyre-playing.  And you know who absolutely wails on a lyre?  David.”  Coincidence, or terrible literary foreshadowing?

  • David could finger a liar better than Martha Stewart’s cell mate.  Better than Lance Armstrong’s giving himself a steroid suppository.  He could finger a liar better than a Jewish witness at the Nuremberg Trials.  

    1. David goes to pluck Saul’s lyre and apparently he’s quite nimble indeed so Saul keeps him on to (ahem) carry his armor, wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more.

    2. Well if you mean “make David his gay sex slave that he would later share with his son and daughter”, then yes, I know exactly what you mean.  

  1. Then we get David and Goliath, where, spoiler alert, David kills Goliath with a slingshot.  And even though you know exactly what’s coming, it still manages to disappoint you.  They spend 40 days throwing down epic biblical shit talk and then David pulls his pansy-assed Dennis the Menace coup de grace.

  2. Now Saul’s worried that David will take his job, so he makes him his right hand man, tries to spear him a couple times, sells him his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins and asks his son Jonathan to kill him.

  • You always hear people using the phrase “back of dicks” rhetorically.  But at some point this guy was very literally carrying a fairly sizable bag of dicks.  Because David got cocky, and came back with two hundred foreskins.  Probably grabbed entire dicks first, then did the individual brisses later.  

  • “This is only 199.” … “Those 2 are stuck together.”   

  1. Meanwhile, David’s kicking ass left and right.  His armies are whipping way more Philistine ass than anybody else’s so Saul gets even more jealous…

  • Yeah they even wrote a song about how David was an order of magnitude better at genocide than Saul.  Nobody likes to hear they’re less good at murdering other races, by such a large margin.  

    1. So after the third or fourth time Saul tries to spear David, he says “You know, I think this guy who keeps lunging at me spear first is trying to kill me,” and he escapes.

    2. So he finds Samuel and they get together and cast some kind of frenetic nakedness spell so that anybody who tries to come to get David strips and falls into a “prophetic frenzy”… not sure what that means, but it sounds fun.

  1. In chapter 20 I’m pretty sure we confirm that David and Saul’s son Jonathan were gay lovers, just in case the butt sex scenes were ambiguous.

  2. So David finds a priest and  asks him for some bread.  He says he doesn’t have normal bread, but he does have a little magical abstinence bread.

  • “Hello random Zelda apothecary, selling exactly the items I might need.  Got any food for celibate fugitives, and maybe a mythical weapon, ideally formerly owned by my legendary vanquished nemesis?  You have Honzo swords too? Wicked!”   

  1. So David gathers an army of 400 malcontents and then Saul kills some priests.

  2. Chapter 23 is basically a montage episode.  Saul continues to be an asshole, still trying to kill David for banging his son.  Also, David bangs his son again.  

  3. So David and his men are hiding in a cave.  Saul and his men are closing in on them.  Saul steps into a cave to take a shit and it just so happens to be the cave David and his men are in.

    1. Yeah, but David can’t bring himself to kill Saul because he loves him so much, so he just fires his gun in the air and goes “Argh!”… or the biblical equivalent thereof.

  • What kind of crazy intense shit was he taking, that he didn’t notice another entire human being standing next to him, sawing off a square of his clothing?!?

  1. And then Samuel dies.  There’s still 6 chapters and a whole other book named after this dude, and he doesn’t even have the decency to live through them.

    1. Then David sends his men to some rich dude to ask for bread.  He tells them to fuck off so David has god kill him and then he takes the dude’s wife.

    2. …and another wife.  Plus he already had a wife.

  • And Saul makes a feeble attempt at spiting David: “You think you can fuck me, fuck my son, then buy my daughter for a bag of dicks?  Well I sold her to another dude while you were gone, and I’m keeping the dicks as a security deposit.”  

  1. And in 26 we learn that  the authors liked chapter 24 so much that they did it again two chapters later… and in a field instead of a cave.  And Saul was sleeping instead of shitting.  But other than that it’s the same.

  • Yeah, David’s supposed to be the protagonist here, but he’s making the mistakes of a Bond villain … or Daffy Duck.  Shoot him now or wait till you get home?!?  Always shoot him now!  Otherwise chapter 27 happens, and that’s the last thing a Jewish guy wants to do.  

  1. Chapter 27: David hides in Palestine for 16 months…

  2. Then the Philistines amass a huge army, Saul all like, “God, what do I do?” but God won’t answer or return his texts or anything.

    1. And then we get our first biblical seance, which, if I’m not mistaken and I probably am, is the first real mention of an afterlife in this whole book.  Strange that it wouldn’t have been an emphasis to this point…

    2. Yeah, you knew Samuel was gonna Obi-Wan Kenobi his way back into the story.

    3. Right, so the ghost of Sammy boy shows up to tell Saul he’s fucked.

  3. Then you get some Typical bible stuff . . . Rape, plunder, evil Amalekites, village pillaged, so everyone’s pissed and starts yelling at David.  He says, “Everybody shut up, I know what to do.  Bring me . . . The Prayer Smock.”  So he wears the ephod apron thing, and god tells him they’ll succeed in recovering their rape victims, and might even get some 50 shekel checks out of the whole ordeal.     

  4. And in the proto-Empire Strikes Back ending, this book wraps up with Saul falling in battle along with all his heirs, the Israelite armies getting massacred and the promised land falling into enemy hands.

Damn do I hope 2 Samuel doesn’t have Ewoks.

Well I guess we’ll find out that and more on the next installment of “The Holy Babble”.  Until then, thanks again Heath, Lucinda.

Outro

Before we put a lid on this thing tonight, I wanted to make a quick announcement that should be accompanied by a chorus of angelic trumpets, we did get the CafePress shop up and running this weekend.  It’s a little messy in there but when I find some time this weekend we’ll be getting it organized.  We’ve got the lovely scarlet A logo slapped on everything from Tshirts to iPhone covers to shot glasses to Christmas ornaments to bumper stickers so you can show your filthy monkey heritage with pride.  We’ll be adding new products and t-shirt designs throughout the season so be on the look out for that.

You’ll find a link to our online shop on the homepage or you can cut out the middleman and go straight to “CafePress (dot) com (slash) scathingatheist”.

I also wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s calendar section.  I mentioned the upcoming and stupendously awesome Skepticon but I said it was going to be in Springfield, Illinois.  I fucked that up.  It’s Springfield, Missouri, not Springfield Illinois… it’s also not Springfield, Florida or Springfield, Kentucky.  Or Springfield, South Dakota.  Or Springfield, Oregon, Tennessee, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio, Georgia, Massachusetts or Nebraska, all of which actually exist but aren’t the city where Skepticon 6 is going to be.  It’ll be in Springfield, Missouri, so know your Springfields and sorry that I didn’t.

I also wanted to add a quick addition to last week’s calendar if you’re going to be in the San Antonio area on November 12th you can catch Executive Director of the Council for Secular Humanism Tom Flynn at an event sponsored by the San Antonio Coalition of Reason and the Freethought Association of Central Texas (great acronym, by the way).  You’ll find links to the the event page on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freethinkers-Association-of-Central-Texas/146015608750987?ref=ts&fref=ts

Need to very quickly thank the many people who make this podcast possible every week.  Huge thanks to Heath, Lucinda and, of course, Sam for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.

Oh, and a huge thanks to everybody who Tweeted (at) Ricky Gervais trying to get a Farnsworth quote out of him.  No response yet, but keep up the good work.  You’ll be rewarded for it in the no-afterlife.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most irreplaceable expressions of genetic code, Michael, Mike, Josh, Ryan and Matthew.  Michael, whose blood is so pure mosquitoes cut it with baking soda; Mike, whose mind is so sharp it splits neutrinos; Josh, whose wisdom is so great that he reeled at the thought of splitting neutrinos; Ryan, whose penis is so massive it bends light and Matthew, whose confidence is so great he doesn’t need any of my over-the-top platitudes.

These five fine fellow freethinkers have gone above and beyond the high water mark of human decency this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the compassion, the integrity and the raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you can handle the enormous pressure such heroic acts often entail, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And you should really donate because we just found out our cat has diabetes and Lucinda’s pretty bummed about it and people giving her money makes her happy.

And unfortunately we’re out of time so I can’t remind you to give the show a 5 star review on iTunes, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on You-Tube, listen to us on Stitcher and tell your friends about us, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have time to tell you that stuff next week.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 30 – Partial Transcript

September 12, 2013 10 comments

(note: Transcript may contain parts that were edited out of the final episode due to time restraints)

Sponsor

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of creationist-friendly grocery stores “Ray Comfort Foods”, where the vegetables are guaranteed to be divinely created in their present form, the canned goods are 100% abiogenesis free and there’s plenty of Jesus in our cheeses.

So shop at Ray Comfort Foods, because creationists do what they’re told.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s September 12th and it’s the 12th anniversary of Heath’s first 9-11 joke.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from sardonic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll be compassionate enough to cut the story with all the childrens’ cancer jokes

  • We’ll discover that there are levels of evil Pat Robertson can reach that would still surprise you,

  • And Christian homophobes create a Christian version of something that was Christian to begin with.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

I was twelve years old and my mom was talking to a couple of friends of hers about where they were when they learned that Kennedy got shot.  One of the friends admitted that she couldn’t actually recall where she was and that freaked my mom right the fuck out.  How could she not remember that moment?

Now, psychologists will tell you these so-called “flashpoint” memories are just as unreliable as most of our other memories, but I didn’t know that at the time and neither did my mom.  It was simply unthinkable in her mind that somebody could have forgotten that moment.  And that was simply unthinkable to me.  I couldn’t comprehend of an event so potent that you’d be surprised when somebody failed to recall it precisely a quarter of a century later.

And I continued to not comprehend that for another thirteen years.

It’s damn hard to say that there was a silver lining to 9/11.  I’ll have enough respect not to rank it on a scale of tragedy, but it was the most horrible example of humanity that I’ve ever had to witness.  The emotional reaction that so many of us shared that day can’t be explained rationally.  That colossal mix of anger, fear and impotence isn’t something I’d ever like to revisit.

But if there was a phoenix that rose from the ashes that day, it was the new-atheist movement.  The four horsemen all cite the 9/11 attacks as the impetus to their vocal opposition to religion.  Throughout the 90s we’d all been force fed the immutable dictum of cultural tolerance so faith was off limits.  Sure, there were still plenty of atheists and there were still plenty of people bitching about the evils of religion, but after 9/11 those people were suddenly on TV.  They were writing best sellers.  They were suddenly being listened to.  They had been right all along and it took a few airplanes crashing into a few buildings on live television for a lot of people to realize that.

Of course, references to 9/11 have fallen out of favor in the atheist movement.  It’s become fashionable to rise above that type of rhetoric.  I’ve seen a number of prominent atheists vehemently disavow the popular meme that reminds us that science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings, or the one that shows the twin towers standing stalwart above the words “Imagine no Religion”.

The platitude a la mode would tell us that the number of religious people who have flown airplanes into buildings is sufficiently eclipsed by the number of religious people who haven’t flown airplanes into buildings.  It would be too simplistic to say “religion did it”, wouldn’t it?  There were far more things contributing to the rationale of the suicide bombers on 9/11 than just the six dozen hotties they were about to deflower.  So you can’t blame religion, can you?

And there’s a lot there that I’ll agree with.  I’ll agree that the overwhelming majority of believers aren’t suicide bombers.  And I’ll agree that it’s more complex than “religion did it”.  And I’ll agree that there were other contributing factors.  And even granting all that, I’ll still blame the shit out of religion.

Here’s the thing: convincing somebody to blow their self up is trickier than you think.  Without divulging any of the details of why I know that, consider the most gullible person you know and ask yourself if you think you could convince them that blowing their self up would earn them a trip to a virgin-laden paradise.  Tough, huh?  Now imagine you had to do it without using religion.

No one person can do that.  It would take indoctrination from birth.  It would take total control of what the victim learned, what they read, what they watched.  It would take institutions to make somebody believe anything so patently counterintuitive.

And it just so happens that we have institutions that were designed for exactly that purpose.  Modern day religious apologists are fond of telling us that the religion of today is nothing like the barbaric faith at it’s roots and that’s true to a certain extent in certain parts of the world at certain times, but that doesn’t change the fact that the vehicle they’re driving was designed to make people do what they were told to do, even, nay especially, when it went against their own best interest.

If you take out the poverty or the nationalism or the charismatic recruiter, you could still get probably round up 19 guys willing to kill in the name of god.  But if you take out the god your task becomes damn near impossible.

So call it hyperbolic if you want.  I say if there was any lesson we could extract from that tragedy it’s that religious zealotry isn’t something we can afford to tolerate.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is cleverly introduced Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to participate in pre-headline banter?

Witty response, Noah.

Laughter, fading to witty retort, Heath.

Laughter indeed, Noah.  I think I’ll exercise my optional additional witty rebuttal here, at which point you’ll probably add a rejoinde-

Rejoinder ending in half-ass segue.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has recalled its ambassador to the Dominican Republic amid allegations of being a naughty, naughty nuncio.  Archbishop Josef Wesolowski was yanked off his post for getting his post yanked off and then winding up in the yankee post.

“Pope Franky Cranky About Wesolowski Lanky Crank Yanky Spanky Hanky Panky”  

Surprised you didn’t get “skanky” in there.  Rumors of the archbishop’s frisky business first arose in the Dominican press a few weeks ago and the ambassador was whisked away before you could say “official investigation”… or at least, before Dominican Attorney General Francisco Dominguez Brito could say “official investigation”.

We atheist podcasters could be foiled so easily, by clergy just not raping kids.  We’d lose a big chunk of material there . . .

So if the intrinsic value of not raping kids isn’t enough, they should consider the strategic value.  And as much as it would hurt our stellar ratings, I’d give away all this fame and podcast fortune,

if the church dialed down the rape even just a little.  

Sounds fair to me.  But instead, in yet another concerted effort to undercut their own “we-really-mean-it-this-time” charade, the Vatican has moved quickly and decisively to protect an Archbishop from prosecution for sex crimes AGAIN.  With the ink on his new “get tough on child rapists” legislation still drying, Pope Sweet Frans-vestite winds up in the delicate position of explaining that when he said “get tough” he didn’t mean tough as in “subject to the same minimal legal standards as the rest of the world”.

When a senior official of an institution is caught covering up decades of child rape, there IS a classy way to handle it.  And I think Joe Paterno showed us that classy way . . . And in case that was too subtle . . . I’m saying take a cue from Joe Pa and go die quickly.

Wesolowski, who was nomadic even for a child-raping Catholic official, had previously served in Africa, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and Denmark.  But I’m sure he only started fucking kids in the DR.

Yeah lots of people don’t develop those kid-rapey instincts until later in life.  Much like scotch, cock is an acquired taste.  Best to start with ten-year-olds, then maybe move your way up to twelve and fifteen.  Twenty-one isn’t worth the extra money.         

And I know that officially I’m supposed to call him “alleged child rapist” or whatever, but fuck that and fuck him.  The Vatican is going to make damn sure he’s only ever “alleged” child rapist so I’m gonna go ahead and call an unprecedented abrupt removal from a diplomatic post that exactly coincides with the opening of a sex-crimes investigation an admission of guilt and say this dude is a dirty child fucker.  And if he doesn’t like it, he can come and get me.  He’ll find me in a neutral nation with friendly extradition treaties with the Dominican Republic.

Do you think the court cases against these guys ever get settled by the victims raping them back.  Like a “brown eye for a brown eye” type of deal?

Vatican withdraws Dominican ambassador quick before he has to face charges of child sex abuse: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/catholic-church-relieves-its-ambassador-in-dominican-republic-amid-official-investigation/2013/09/04/8dd3e8e0-15c6-11e3-961c-f22d3aaf19ab_story.html

And in “Not all the stories can be as light hearted as that last one” news tonight, a Bangladeshi court has indicted four atheist bloggers on charges of not properly cupping Mohammed’s balls and saying things that hurt Allah’s feelings.  Because apparently Allah is a sissy god and can’t smite these dudes on his own.

Are there a lot of Bangladeshi citizens reading atheist blogs and Reddit posts all day, trying to really hash out their true feelings on the origins of the universe?  Is that what they do between state-mandated early morning Muslim prayer, and state-mandated later early morning Muslim prayer?

Despite the Vonnegutian nature of arresting people for insulting a fictional character, the (air quote) “assailants” are facing as much as 14 years in prison after at least one of them already faced a brutal assassination attempt.

If you get 14 years for epistemological whistle blowing, what’s the penalty for attempted brutal assassination?

The indictments you were asking for, apparently.

This is like if Edward Snowden found out the CIA was spending millions of tax dollars to track Santa Claus throughout the Arctic . . .

And also chasing Carmen Sandiego from Berlin down to Belize.  

I’d like to think we wouldn’t have jail time and water boards on the table in that situation.     

Before moving on to any more of the details, I’d just like to say that I make a lot of jokes about how backwards and fucked up the US judicial system is, but all things considered, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of ‘Murica and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under whoever the fuck I’ve gotta say to not spend 14 years in prison, so help us baby-Jesus, Amen.

The accused, whose names I won’t butcher out of respect, have already spent three months in prison and are currently free on bail after pleading not guilty.

Prosecution by the Ministry of Silly Walks would be far less ridiculous.

4 Bangladeshi Bloggers indicted for being atheist bloggers: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/bangladesh-court-indicts-4-bloggers-for-allegedly-posting-derogatory-comments-about-islam/2013/09/08/8b05423c-1876-11e3-80ac-96205cacb45a_story.html?

And from the “It turns out there actually were worse things we could’ve done in Rwanda than nothing” file tonight, blathering idiot and perpetual first runner up in the crypt-keeper lookalike competition Pat Robertson is working hard to remind everyone that he’s not just a crazy, ranting, superstitious, senile old bigot; he’s also evil.

First place must have gone to Lisa Robin Kelly from “That 70’s Show”?

Well, …now.

But even slightly pre-mortem.  And for those listeners playing in celebrity death pool fantasy leagues, she was 43 years old, so that’s 57 points for the predictably departed meth enthusiast, in standard formats.  

And from celebrity death pool back to celebrity death-monger, a documentary titled “Mission Congo” recently premiered at the Toronto film festival and apparently it details how Pat Robertson used the suffering of the Rwandan people to perpetuate a scam almost as reprehensible as the whole Jesus thing.

It’s hard to tell who cured more cholera and dissentary in the refugee camps, because Doctors Without Borders was there at the same time as Pat Robertson’s preachers.  That’s lots of doctors and lots of bibles, so . . . who’s to say?  

According to filmmakers David Turner and Lara Zizic, it might be fewer bibles than you think.  Robertson consistently exaggerated, distorted and misrepresented the extent of his charity’s work in Rwanda and used these lies and deceptions to bring in hundreds of millions of dollars, a very small percent of which actually wound up helping anyone but Pat Robertson.

It’s about now I’d normally compare him to a Bond villain, or a Die Hard villain . . .

But Pat Robertson is SO MUCH WORSE, because he’s actually a real person doing this shit in reality.  He raised money from gullible rednecks in the American south, to finance bullshit humanitarian aid to Rwandan refugee camps, but actually diverted the planes to service his secret blood diamond company!!!  All he’s missing is a disfiguring scar, and conspicuous red doomsday button that says DO NOT PRESS.   

If anybody’s out there investing in “rapture button” technology…

And just to fit the bad guy stereotype perfectly, and get a three week timeshare on Secret Bad Guy Island, his covert African diamond mining company is owned through those “offshore accounts” they always use.  I never understood those.  Is the money hidden in the ocean?  Why does offshore mean we can’t find these banks?  Yes it’s offshore, but we all still know where Bermuda is.  

Robertson denies these allegations and if you can’t trust the guy who said last week that gay people in San Francisco have secret rings with AIDS needles so they can infect straight people when they shake their fucking hands, congratulations, your brain still works.

Obviously a hoax . . . And if Pat Robertson had ever been to San Francisco, he would know that real gay people in San Francisco don’t shake hands . . . they dick bump.  

Yeah but to be fair, the ring idea would work for that, too.

Pat Robertson accused of fraud: http://www.theguardian.com/film/2013/sep/05/mission-congo-pat-robertson-aid-rwanda

And protecting the rights of children to be stupid this week is the Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area who are fighting for the right of their children to be the most undereducated in the Florida public school system.

Muslims and Christians love to compete … I guess “Dumbest Kids in Florida” is a fitting battle for those two groups.  We’re really talking about “Dumbest Adults in Florida” aren’t we?  And that’s a competitive category.  This is a state that was governed for eight years by a guy named Jeb.  

This story revolves around a letter being circulated by said society that twists the shit out of Florida law to make schools think they’re under some obligation to let kids out of school whenever god tells them to.  Titled “Religious Observance Early Dismissal Request Form”, the letter misrepresents several laws in an effort to excuse Muslim kids from school at 12:30pm to pray during a special holiday… called Friday.

What are we even talking about?  How disruptive could it be for the three Muslim students in all of Florida to leave early on Friday?

And, as the group points out, education obviously isn’t as important as everyone makes it up to be or they couldn’t get away with the grammatically dubious moniker “Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area”.

This whole thing is suspicious though. Muslim families in Florida?!?  There’s no normal Muslim family stubborn enough to settle in Florida.  These are obviously deep sleeper cells.

Tampa Islamic group wants kids released early once a week to pray: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/islamic-society-of-tampa-bay-area-wants-schools-to-let-muslim-students-leave-class-hours-early-every-week/

And from the “Equal Opportunity Inequality” file tonight, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is begging for forgiveness from Jesus and people who really exist this week after sending out a controversial email that encouraged her congregation to try to look less black.

As in more Barack, less Michelle?  Colored but not too colored?

No, Barack is still too black for her.  The email in question actually said that the church should work to put it’s best foot forward and make sure that the people greeting parishioners on Sunday morning should only be the best people, by which she meant the white people.  And don’t let the caucasian sounding name fool you, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is a sista.

I’d like to read a quote I made up, from the email:

“Our white workers will be at the front, and our workers of color will have a separate, but equally important job in the back of the house, much like a restaurant staff.”

Can’t imagine how that stirred up any trouble.

And while there is something of a silver lining in the realization that a black woman can hate the coloreds as well as any white man, I think we can all agree that it’s important that we continue to allow blacks in North Carolina to greet people outside of churches.  Otherwise they’ll have nothing at all to do on election day.

Black Pastor apologized for insisting that only white people should greet parishioners: http://www.christianpost.com/news/im-sorry-pastor-begs-diverse-congregations-forgiveness-for-only-white-people-email-on-sunday-104106/

And in “We’ll just start our own universe and it’ll be way better than yours” news tonight the ongoing attempt to create a fully realized parallel reality for Christian children is one step closer to fruition this week with the announcement of the new queer-hatin’ alternative to the Boy Scouts, Trail Life USA.

The Brokeback Mountaineer issue strikes again.

Joining Christian versions of theme parks, museums, music, science, television, wikipedia, schools and Floridian Courthouses, this latest attempt to inculcate children with a Truman Show like inability to recognize that gays don’t have hooves and bifurcated tails is, of course, a response to the Boy Scouts recent partial backpedaling of it’s long standing official policy of demonizing an innocent segment of society.

Nothing says “The Boy Scouts of America no longer officially hates gays enough” . . . than starting your own all-male tent pitching squad.  

Scheduled for official launch on precisely the day that the Boy Scouts start letting the homos in, Trail Life USA promises to be (quote) “stronger, safer and more principled in every way” and co-founder and head redneck John Stemberger went out of his way to use hairy testicled phrases like “masculine outdoor program” when describing the program and how totally heterosexual it will be.

I think as a country, we’re pumping out more than enough homophobic outdoorsmen, without any additional youth outreach programs.  There’s an entire homophobic outdoorsmen genre on television.  We have an entire swath of this country that is clever enough to see the amazing rhyme potential of hatin’ queers and lovin’ steers, but fails to see the irony of preferring livestock anus to human male anus.

New Alternative to Boy Scouts for queer-hatin’ rednecks: http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-values-based-alternative-to-boy-scouts-launched-104009/

And finally tonight, in felonious coconut news, a delinquent drupe was detained by detectives in the Maldives last week under suspicions that the tropical fruit was possessed by an evil wizard who intended to use the dark coconut arts to influence an upcoming election.

I’m not sure how we could possibly mock religion here, but you were saying “evil coconut wizard” . . . go ahead.

The story begins, as magical coconut stories often do, when a concerned citizen noticed the suspicious brown orb outside a local school that was designated as an upcoming polling station.

Can a brown orb that is – in fact – a coconut, be suspicious in a country that has palm trees and coconuts everywhere?

Well, either it was noteworthy or this weird ass is just taken to closely examining the scattered fruits he comes across  One way of the other, he noticed that a Koranic verse was etched into it, meaning it could only be the work of a malicious sorcerer.

Or maybe one of the 100% of citizens that are Muslim, have Korans lying around, and have easy access to brown orbs.      

He contacted authorities who inexplicably did not tell him to fuck off and instead investigated the coconut and according to the terminology in every news report we could dig up, the coconut was… arrested.

Textbook profiling of an infidel spy.  Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

A local wizard was summoned by the police to determine the exact mystical properties of the suspect and to counteract its evil powers.  Because apparently Maldivians are idiots.  And before we get a bunch of emails about it, yes, Maldivian is the correct demonym.

And yes, “idiots” meaning “stupid people that believe in voodoo coconut election fraud” . . .   

And I can’t believe we didn’t mention this yet, but how does election fraud make any fucking difference in a theocracy?!?  

Fraudulent by definition.

Curse-carrying coconut arrested in the Maldives: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/a-coconut-is-messing-up-this-countrys-elections/

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks again for joining me.

And when we come back, we’ll be doing that bit you were really looking forward to.

Song

 

For the sake of your survival, you should really read the bible,

It’s the only moral guide you’ll ever need;

Think you found a contradiction? You must suffer some affliction,

Cause there ain’t no fucking fiction there to read.

For the sake of your salvation, believe in Biblical creation,

Learn these Jewish incantations, learn them well.

Why go through life just guessin’, when the bible teaches lessons,

Like the fabrics you can dress in; to bypass hell.

Well… God wrote that he wrote it.  Inside that’s clearly noted.

Just ask yourself, why would he lie?

God said that he said it.  Don’t you ever forget it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

For the sake of your society, you really should try piety,

It cloaks your improprieties, we swear.

We’ll accept your sinful vices, and my only real advice is,

If you put your life in Christ, you’re in the clear.

Don’t forget the basics, like the fact that god’s a racist,

And it’s okay if you’re a rapist, if you pay.

If you’ve committed genocide, it’s possibly justified,

If god hates the folks who died, it’s all okay.

The most immoral bastard, gets forgiven if he ask for,

A quick favor from his master in a jam.

What’s that? You’re no believer? Then gimme that book and leave, sir.

And if I seem a little eager; it’s cause I am.

After all…

God insists he insists it.  I’m not sure how you missed it.

Don’t see how that’s difficult to buy.

God revealed he revealed it, so I figured that sealed it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

God claimed that he claimed it.  All this time he’s maintained it.

You keep debatin’, but I don’t know why.

God declared he declares it, and he swore that he swears it,

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

 

Feedback

Now it’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the show where we hope other people will write funny shit that we’ll tangentially get credit for and act as though we have some kind of expertise or special knowledge that qualifies us to answer questions.

So our first email comes from Milton in New Jersey City and he asks:

When is it okay to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?

Any time after 3pm and all day Sunday

And to clarify, any time is OKAY.  I think he means, “When is it BEST to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?”

Right.  And I think it’s worth noting that Heath and I have pretty lax personal “Go fuck yourself” thresholds even for New Yorkers so I’m saying it’s okay any time you’re saying to yourself, “I’m done talking to this Christian and I have no interest in eventually having sex with them.”

Our next comment comes from the blog.  Ken loves the show but offered a not-exactly-correction to our story in episode 29 about the Salvation Army attending a South African Porn Convention to (quote) “be available”.

Ken points out that the Salvation Army often goes to these types of events to be available for potential victims of sex trafficking and abuse, which, we didn’t mention because we were busy making apartheid dick jokes.

And it’s probably a good thing that we didn’t know about that angle.  We clearly would have made sex slave rape jokes that were way worse than mere apartheid dick jokes.  

Also, I don’t recommend using our notoriously dick-joke-laden headlines segment as a single source news program.

Our next email comes to us all the way from wherever Brandon is from.  And Brandon writes us to ask what he can do about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that keep showing up at his door.

Hm… great question.  My first thought on this one requires a wheelbarrow, a holocaust cloak and Andre the Giant but he’s dead so that won’t work.

“Do I want some literature about Jesus?  No.  But do you want some weed?”

I find that wearing nothing but a necktie when you come to the door works with varying levels of success depending on what you tie it around.

Sometimes I like to lower a basket down from the second floor window, and yell “It puts the propaganda in the basket!!!”  Then they get the hose regardless.  

Okay, so here’s my serious answer.  I say you invite ‘em in, get ‘em a drink and let them give you the whole spiel for their little cult.  But the whole time have this episode playing on the stereo in the background.  Make sure it’s loud enough that they can hear it the whole time, but not loud enough to drown them out.

Until you reach this part.  And then you turn it up really loud so that they know that you’ve been fucking with them the whole time and delaying them from spreading their filthy virus to anyone else while you made them listen to the Bible song.  And if they’re still in the room they can hear me tell them to go fuck themselves while they’re gathering up all their Jesus stuff.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more questions.

You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Outro

Before we lock it up for the night I wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s show.  If you were looking for the interview I did on the A Matter of Doubt Podcast and were surprised to discover that I was actually ex-Jehovah’s Witness Kenny Wyland, that’s because I fucked up the episode number.  I said episode 54, but it was actually episode 56 that you wanted.  Not that episode 54 didn’t kick ass or anything, I just wasn’t on it.

http://www.amatterofdoubt.com/podcasts/ep-56-noah-lugeons-the-scathing-atheist/

And if you were looking for the live broadcast I did on CWebb’s Sunday School, well, sorry about that, too.  An hour after I published the episode I learned that the time had been pushed back from 5 to 4:30.  Sorry if you missed it live; it was a fun panel discussion on the biblical prophecies surrounding the destruction of Damascus.  It’s on CWebb’s archives now if you’d like to catch up.  You’ll find a link in the shownotes, of course.

http://cwebbssundayschool.com/bonus-the-end-is-near-or-is-it/

And because I’m apparently a total podcast whore, you’ll also be able to catch me on the extremely funny Imaginary Friend Show with Jake Farr-Wharton in the next few days.  I believe the episode will be up this weekend and as soon as I know the date, I’ll be posting it on our Facebook page, our blog and our Twitter feed, all of which you should probably follow just in case.

Can’t close the show without thanking Heath for everything he does to make this show have Heath in it.  I also need to thank Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for providing this week’s embellished Farnsworth quote.  He’s a rising star in the podcast community and if you check his show out you’ll find out why.  Can’t recommend it enough if you haven’t heard him already.  And if you’re presently kicking yourself for that oversight, calm down, you’ll find a link to his show in the show notes for this episode.

http://www.herdmentalitypodcast.com/

I also need to thank Heath’s roommate for our kick ass new logo.  We’ll be setting up a Cafe Press site this week if you’re dying to get a customized Scathing Atheist T-Shirt, coffee mug, iPhone cover, whatever.  That stuff should be available no later than Sunday so there’s plenty of time to do all your Jesus-Day shopping right there.

And lastly, of course, I need to thank this week’s most shining examples of humanity, Kevin, Richard, Brian, Andrew and Magnus.  Kevin, who once defeated the devil himself in arm-wrestling and scrabble at the same time, with the same hand; Richard, a man whose bravery and intelligence redefines redefinition; Brian, who shall rescue humanity in it’s darkest hour atop his mighty steed, Poof the Fabulous Dragon; Andrew whose army of robot spiders and amazon love warriors are the envy of supervillains everywhere; and Magnus whose name is so fucking cool that I don’t have to add any imaginative descriptors to increase the perception of his awesomeness.

These five noble philanthropists have conquered the final task in their path to glorification by giving us money.  Not everyone has the gallantry, luminosity and sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but you only love us as a friend, you can also show your appreciation and help us out a ton by swinging over to iTunes and leaving us a glowing review.  We really appreciate everybody who takes the time to stroke our ego and help our iTunes ranking.  You can also help us out by telling your friends about the show or sharing an episode on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.

Oh, and listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.