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Episode 75 – Partial Transcript

July 24, 2014 9 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

If you’re an artist and you’d like to volunteer some time to Peter Boghossian’s upcoming app (as discussed on this week’s episode) please email: brian@bwalsh.com

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Note: Transcript contains elements removed due to time constraints.

 

Warning: This podcast contains obscene amounts of obscenities.

 

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Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fatwatter: The new social media platform for female Muslim Islamophobes.

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s July 24th,

And I broke 2 ribs playing softball last Sunday … So why didn’t Adam build a harem?!?

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Gotham City”, AKA New York, New York,

And “Noah’s Arkham Asylum” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Ken Ham suggests defunding NASA to pay for building the thing from Cocoon and getting that water.
  • Peter Boghossian will join us to make more atheists in the non-sexual way.
  • And Eli Bosnick joins us to pan for wisdom in the Old Testament.

Yes, biblical wisdom is the pyrite of wisdom.  But first, the Diatribe…

 

Diatribe

My wife and I had a chance to catch up with an old friend the other day; a guy we hadn’t seen in more than a decade.  Since the last time we spoke he divorced the vindictive lunatic he was married to and found a new wife with more stable dopamine levels.  She’s friendly, funny and twenty years younger than him.  Which, in his mind, more than outweighs the fact that she’s religious.

He’s an atheist and not just by a little.  He comes from an extremely religious family and lived most of his life in one of the most religious enclaves in this country so he’s developed a pretty sharp axe to grind with the minions of faith.  And I don’t think he actually knows any other atheists so as soon as the subject of what I did for a living came up, ten years of pent up rage and anger came boiling to the surface and we spent a good half hour bitching about Jesus.

Clearly, I’m right in my element, and just as clearly, his wife isn’t.  She’s known for a while that they didn’t see eye to eye on the religion thing, but the look on her face made it clear that this was the first glimpse she got of the full extent of his ire.  And I’m guessing this southern girl raised in a strict Baptist household, had never been the only Christian in a room full of atheists.

So after about half an hour of uninterrupted vitriol, she felt the need to step in on behalf of her faith by politely objecting to our methodology.  We’d talked about priests raping kids, Mullahs promoting honor killings and acid attacks, evangelicals demonizing gays and standing in the way of science, Rabbis promoting sexism and disparaging education; and while she freely admitted that all those things existed, she claimed they weren’t representative.  None of the religious people she knew were like that.  And aren’t there sexists and bigots and child-molesters in every group of people?  Afterall, she’s not dangerous… and she’s more representative of faith than the people we’re talking about.

And my buddy made a concession that far too many atheists make and agreed with her.  Some of that might have been an effort to keep Jesus from interfering with his love life, but it’s still bullshit.

Now, she’s a nice person and she’s a guest in my home, so I’m not gonna go full diatribe on her, but I’m also not going to let such a patently false claim go unchallenged.

First I dismissed the idea that her breed of Christianity was “typical” of religion.  Nearly half of American Christians reject Darwinian evolution.  The majority of the world’s Muslims favor a sharia-based judicial system.  The opposition to gay rights is almost entirely a religious phenomena.  Almost all of America’s religious institutions have a legally exempted glass-ceiling that would be unacceptable for any other entity.

So no, the liberally religious, judge-not lest-ye-be-judged, “turn the other cheek” Christian is not representative of the average believer.  But that wasn’t even the most egregious thing about her argument.  Far more misguided was the premise that those same liberally religious, judge-not lest-ye-be-judged, “turn the other cheek” Christians aren’t dangerous.

I would argue, and I know a lot of people disagree with me here, so hear me out, but I would argue that those are the most dangerous type of believers.  Because if it weren’t for them, we as a society could stop giving religion a seat at the table altogether.

Think about it.  If every religious person you knew was a “God Hates Fags”, anti-evolution, anti-contraception rape apologist, it would be damn easy to dismiss them.  But if you can temper those assholes with a far greater number of regular people freely attributing the wisdom and morality they’ve developed over a lifetime of being humans to a mythical character, it gets a lot harder to reject.

In other words, it’s the charitable, congenial, selfless, cookie-baking old ladies that are fucking this up for the rest of us.  Because to keep the extremist voices relevant, you need five of them for every spittle-spewing homophobe.  You need a base to hold the capstone up.

There’s no example of a religion without a fundamentalist wing.  There’s no example in history of a religion gaining supremacy in a state and then not being used to marginalize other people.  There’s no example of a religion that wasn’t taken advantage of by the unscrupulous and the hateful.  And in every instance, the fuel for their unscrupulous hate was the sweet, congenial, cookie baking old lady wing of their religion.

I bring this up because it seems like a lot of atheists are possessed of the notion that if we could just steer the faithful toward the less destructive iterations of their faith, we could solve the problem.  But the problem is faith; faith in all its forms.  It reminds me of that idiot who says there shouldn’t be laws against drunk driving because he “ain’t killed nobody yet”.  The fact that you can personally use faith without fucking the world up doesn’t excuse faith every time somebody else uses it to blow up a school.

I’ll say it again and again; there is no harmless version of faith.  Faith is an attempt to replace reason with… something other than reason.  And where reasonable minds are concerned, that should be all the damnation it needs.

 

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is guy whose name comes up in autocomplete before you type in the Y-S-I-S in atheist analysis, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to give us some deep, impactful canal-ysis?

You must be talking about the alimentary canal.  Which goes mouth to ass, so it’s all good.  Just don’t forget, you are what you eat.

And thanks to astute listener Joe for pointing that out to us and sharing a screen capture on our Facebook page in case you doubt our sincerity.

In our lead story tonight, from the “You are! … You’re the one … who doesn’t exist!  You don’t!” file … Despite findings irrelevant to the issue, it seems the naively faithful have latched on to recent scientific studies that suggest the human brain may be hard-wired from birth to believe in magical stuff like divine creation.  They’ve taken this to mean that atheists semantically don’t exist, therefore God clearly does … Because if newborn babies don’t disbelieve in leprechauns … all rainbows end at a gold pot.

We’re also born fascinated by our own shit, but I guess that’s just a different way of phrasing the same thing, isn’t it?

One particular article by Nury Vittachi, on the “Science 2.0” site, tries to loosely gather ideas from several such studies, and shoe-horn them into somehow explaining how I don’t exist … <Yes, “I think therefore I’m not”> Let’s begin with the title of the article: (quote) “Scientists discover that atheists might not exist, and that’s not a joke.” (end quote) … So keeping in mind that this science-y stuff we’re about to hear is definitely not a joke … Remember?  From the title?  “With that in mind, let’s look at some one-sentence summaries of entire experiments, and combine them into a perfectly valid master theory.  

Perhaps the most ridiculous bit of scat he left on the wall was the notion that because stories have elements of divine justice, atheists don’t exist.  So yes, the fact that even atheist authors write books where bad stuff happens to the bad guy is offered as evidence against the existence of atheists.

My favorite one … He cited a 2012 survey by Pew Forum: (quote) “38% of people who identified themselves as atheist or agnostic went on to claim to believe in God or a Higher Power.” (end quote) … So atheists don’t exist … because approximately 38% of atheists might not exist … QED!!!

Science: “Atheists don’t exist” http://www.science20.com/writer_on_the_edge/blog/scientists_discover_that_atheists_might_not_exist_and_thats_not_a_joke-139982

And in “Are You Smarter Than a Zeroth Grader?” news tonight, a new survey of kindergarten students shows that even five year olds can largely distinguish biblical stories from reality, provided they haven’t been brainwashed in favor of Jew-magic beforehand.

Well that’s odd … Seems to conflict somewhat, with the assertion from the last story that Kabbalah is a priori knowledge … Weird.  So how did they ever manage to demonstrate that being forced to believe wrong things leads to believing more wrong things?!?

The survey presented children with a series of stories.  Some were realistic, some included magic and some of the ones that included magic were biblical.  And to nobody’s real surprise, the children who regularly attended church were significantly less able to decide whether or not the presence of a magic wand in a story means it’s bullshit.

It’s partially unfair though, because kids that don’t regularly attend church are much more likely to have parents with intelligent DNA.

So yes, in light of our lead story resting on our innate belief in magical fairy-folk, data like these are damn important.  Maybe it doesn’t refute the absurd claim, but it shows that kids can outgrow that mental defect in about the time it takes to keep their sheets piss-free if you don’t actively steer them away from reason.

Kids exposed to religion shown to have harder time distinguishing fact from fiction: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/18/new-study-shows-that-children-exposed-to-religion-have-a-hard-time-distinguishing-fact-from-fiction/

And from the “Can’t we just tell them their fetus lives on a farm upstate?” file, anti-choice nurse Sara Hallwege unsuccessfully applied for a job at Tampa Family Health Centers, and is now suing them for discriminating against ‘people who refuse to perform the job’.  The health center in question is a “Title X” clinic … or a “Plan C” facility … Which means: Hallwege applied for a job she believes to be ‘baby assassin’, and now she’s mad at the people that wouldn’t give her that opportunity.  Like a fucked-up game of chicken … “I’ll kill those babies … We’ll hire you to kill those babies … “

“I brought my favorite abortion sword and everything…”

“Do you have prior experience killing unwanted fetuses? … No? … That’s fine … You’ll get the coat hang of it … And this part’s just a formality … Seems ridiculous that I should even need to ask, but … I see you’ve brought a picket sign with you to your own job interview … So I gotta ask … Are you willing to … do this job?” … Her answer was: “No, and I’ll see you in court.”

But it’s even worse than that because the job didn’t include real abortions, just sincerely held religious abortions.  They needed somebody who could prescribe birth control and this quarrelsome bitch actually listed on her resume that she was a member of a right-wing, anti-abortion society… I don’t believe I have to mention the name… and told the interviewer that empiricism be damned, she believes that birth control is murder and wouldn’t prescribe it.  Even if that was her job.  So they… didn’t let that be her job…

Defense lawyers are likely to mention Hellwege’s pre-interview on the phone, during which she was clearly warned about the pro-choice nature of the position: (quote) “You’re gonna see lots of graphic, close-up choices. Bitches gonna be choosing all over the floor sometimes.” (end quote)

I was gonna say this is like a quadriplegic suing the rodeo for not hiring him as a bull rider, but the quadriplegic didn’t choose to be immobile… so this is more like the intentionally inert suing the same rodeo.  Wow… this story is so stupid it’s analogistically challenging.

Well if the lawsuit doesn’t work out, maybe she can make some money refusing to serve drinks at gay bar in Boystown, Chicago.

Pro-life nurse sues for hiring discrimination job: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/19/pro-life-nurse-sues-family-planning-clinic-for-not-hiring-her-to-do-the-job-she-refused-to-do

And from the “City of Bloodthirsty Love” file tonight, two of those notoriously peace-loving Muslims have been charged with trying to chop the hand off of a suspected thief.  In Philadelphia.  Which isn’t exactly “first world”, but it isn’t exactly Pakistan hill country, either.

It’s a good thing the Hobby Lobby ruling happened, or else the hand-choppers would be in pretty big trouble.

The attempted behanding in Quran took place after the mosque’s amir Merv Mitchell and an as yet unidentified imam suspected a forty-six year old attendant of stealing.  Police say the two dragged the man to the back of the mosque, where, of course, they keep their giant fucking machete, and proceeded to try to whack the dude’s hand off.  And it’s not like they missed or he escaped or anything… they just didn’t chop hard enough.  The victim was hospitalized and will likely need reconstructive surgery to repair the wound.

Also, as far as I know, there’s not too many rainforest thicket areas in Philadelphia … So that’s a dedicated amputation machete …

And when you’ve got a dedicated amputation machete, every problem looks like a hand…

But here’s the problem … Now we’ve got a suspected thief with two hands.  What do you think “Jew-God 3.0” does do about this???  Somebody’s gotta get their fucking hand chopped off!!!

And that’s the point… you’ve got all these conservative politicians proposing legislation that bans Sharia law in the US.  Well this is Sharia law.  And even considering how far up its ass the Roberts Court’s head is, I don’t think we need to worry about them forgiving the chopping off of limbs under the auspices of a “sincerely held religious belief.”

Clergy at Philly Mosque accused of trying to cut off a dude’s hand: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/19/clergy-at-mosque-in-city-of-brotherly-love-are-accused-of-trying-to-cut-off-alleged-thiefs-hand/

And in “Priests distract rock star from drug metaphor lyrics by sexually abusing children” news, Tom Petty was somehow the first famous musician since Sinead O’Connor to find out about the breaking news regarding decades of clergy sex scandals … In response, he included a bonus track on his most recent album, which suggested artistically, that kid rapists should probably get in really big trouble and stuff.  More typical rockstar ‘fringe thinking’.  

But to be fair, for all we know that’s what he’s been talking about the whole time and we just couldn’t understand him through his Bob Dylan with down syndrome voice.

Like French Canadian Bruce Springstein with lockjaw … Somehow when it’s Irish Catholics committing the human rights violations, Bono gets strangely quiet.  But if U2 won’t help, and multi-platinum recording artist Tom Petty can’t change public thinking on this … hopefully anyone else would suffice … And – more importantly – we seem to have stumbled into this well of dick jokes … So let’s go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock … “Songs About Pedophile Clergy” … GO!!!

“Pole Smokin’ in the Boy’s Room”

“Smells Like Tween Spirit”

“Another One Bites the Pillow”

“Bare Way to Heaven”

“Why Does My Fart Feel So Bad?”

Probably has something to do with that “Scrotal Eclipse” … And if ever Pete Townshend belonged on a list, I guess it’s now … “Let Guy Love Open the Door to Your Shart” … Townshend being such a notorious shart topper.

“The Priest You Can Do”

Phil Collins!!!  Good work!!!  But i could swear I could feel it coming in the prayer tonight …

“25? … or 6 to 4 year olds?”

Or “Working 5 to 9… year olds”

Different kind of sweat shop …

What about a little Unmarked Van Morrison? … “Brown-Eyed Boy”

“How Deep is Your Glove?”

I had a glove??? … What about: “Sitting on the Cock of the- … Nah, well you get it … Too easy … “I Heard it Through the <Still too obvious.> … Fair enough … But I could have said “Gape” … What about: “Sunday, Bloody Sunday School” ???

“Let Your Son Go Down on Me”

“Unfortunate Son … of a Preacher Man” … Didn’t figure this well had incest jokes … but there you go.  Gravy.

Yeah, but we did know that it had gravy.  How about “Cruelly, Gladly, Deeply?”

Bunch of Ravaged Gardens in this town … And by the way everyone, you can get lot’s of these tracks for free, at Ass Pirates Bay … It’s a pedo-phile-sharing network … like SlimeWire …

“Pope Paul Along the Crotch Tower” … Done.

New Tom Petty song about Catholic Sex Abuse Scandal: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/21/tom-petty-catholic-church_n_5605881.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, in “Ham Nine From Outer Space” news, creationist taint mold and perpetual Scathing Atheist punching bag Ken Ham is back in the news condemning martians to eternal torment while calling for an end to America’s space program.

At the very least, he wants Ridley Scott fired from his director spot.  

Well at least there’s something Ham and I can agree on.  Anyway, Ham explains that it’s pointless for America to keep wasting money searching for life on other planets (which he apparently thinks is what NASA does) since in the extremely unlikely event that god isn’t using the “10 to the forty eighth times as big as it needs to be to house human life” universe as a backdrop for the vanishingly small portion of it he cares about, those aliens are obviously not worth knowing, as Jesus didn’t bother to die for their sins.

Those were not embellished remarks!!!  Ham actually said (quote): “You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation.” … So shut down NASA before they get up there, and find out they wasted all that money, and come home with zero alien souls … and egg on their face.

And Pope Fralfmadorian had already offered to baptize them so they’d be heathens squared.  Ham is seriously proposing this as a reason to defund NASA.   Now, it would be nice if I could say that the babbling incoherent verbal ejaculate from this pencil-dicked, shit-for-brains, science abhorring, bloviating simpleton could be ignored, but he’s convinced people to act on stupider breaches of scientific literacy than “Jesus didn’t die for no Klingons” before, so we’ll keep an eye on it.

Ken Ham: Aliens are going to hell: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/07/21/creationist-ken-ham-calls-to-end-space-program-because-aliens-are-going-to-hell-anyway/#.U81UYawpgsY.facebook

And after that uncomfortable trip own Ken Ham’s well lubed Rabbit Hole, we’ll close the headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, Lucinda and Eli will be here to help us wrap up the Wisdom books, but first, Peter Boghossian joins us to talk about an atheist creating book that isn’t the bible.

Interview Links:

Article on Using the Socratic Method with Children (mentioned by PB during interview)

(PDF) American Philosophical Association’s 1990 Delphi Report (mentioned by PB during interview)

 

Panel Notes: Wisdom Books

Unlike the Pentateuch and the Historical books, the Wisdom books actually seem somewhat biblical.  While the story of Job is overrated and many of the Psalms and Proverbs are downright terrifying, the Wisdom books at least seem like the kind of stuff a god would put in his book.

Except Song of Solomon, which strikes me as ancient jerk-material … like the stuff in Bin Laden’s no-longer-secret lair.  Who has a lair?!?  If you live in a lair … you gotta assume someone might murder you.  That’s his fault, for renting a lair.

Now, we didn’t do a recap when we finished the Historical books because, let’s face it, the Historical books basically just recap themselves over and over again, but before we move on to the final stage of the Old Testament, we thought we’d get the team together to retire this last section.  So joining us for the Wisdom book recap is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

No misogyny this week?

I figured we’d be dealing with plenty in the Wisdom Book recap, no need for more this week. My head may explode as is.

Fair enough.  And rejoining us as well is everyone’s favorite glutton for punishment, Eli Bosnick.  Eli, great to have you back.

Psalms was the worst thing that happened to me this year…and my dad died this year.

Okay, so the problem with recapping the Wisdom books is that nothing really “happens” in them per se.  Other than Job there aren’t really any stories or characters of anything like that to talk about, so I figured we could just highlight a few of the Bests and Worsts of this section.  We’ll start with

 

  • The best piece of moral advice in the Wisdom Books?

 

      1. Well, I’m tempted to say Proverbs 5:18, which basically tells me I should spend more time lying with the wife of my youth and playing with her boobs, but I’m going with Proverbs 4:14, which says, “don’t be evil” I like simple and to the point and lets face it we don’t get nearly enough of that in this book.
      2. Ecclesiastes 10:19 “Money answeresth all things” Finally. someone says this. These are books of wisdom right? That or a don’t date a stupid girl with a nose ring because even though she’ll do weird stuff she’ll also throw stuff when you break up with her.
        1. See, if it just came out and said that, I would be a Christian… or a Jew.
      3. Ecclesiastes 5:3 “A fool’s voice is known by a multitude of words,” which could be summed up as “dumb people are verbose” if the author wasn’t a fool.
      4. I enjoyed a related suggestion for dumb people … Often ignored … Proverbs 17:28: “Dumb and silent is easily mistaken for smart and pensive. So don’t say things unless you’re smart … Are you smart? … If you have to ask … probably Shhhhhh.”

 

  • The worst piece of moral advice?

 

    1. The path to true happiness being smashing babies against rocks (Psalms 137:9) Worst idea ever.
    2. damn you stole my baby smashing! You are hungry because god is mad at your or all of the advice that job’s friends give him.
    3. I would say the bits about not fucking loose women.
  • Or tight men.  No high-hanging fruit either.
      1. The Book of Job … Or maybe Ecclesiastes 8:17, which says “Science is impossible, so stop trying to know things.  Everything in books is stupid … Except for this …. And that … And that.”

 

  • Best WTF Moment?

 

    1. The bukkake sequence in Song of Solomon took me by surprise.
  • You should have seen the look on your face.
  1. Job 41 where god is drunk stepdad and just starts describing the leviathen for no reason
  • “I made a big fish!!! … Bill Braskey!!!”
  • A lot of unexpected monsters in the Wisdom books.  Look guys, if there are dragons and shit in the book, you need to toss that out early.  You can’t surprise us with sea monsters and unicorns half way through.
      1. Proverbs 16:33 … “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD” … So dice only seem to be random.  Worst gambling tip ever: “Psst – buddy.  God’s actually cheating the whole time.  The way he cheats is by choosing each number exactly one sixth of the time.  We never had this conversation.” … So thanks, that was useful.   
      2. The ravens god sends to gobble out your eyeballs if you disobey your parents (Proverbs 30:17 He probably pisses in your eyeholes when their done too, because… why the hell not.
        1. And it’s so oddly specific.  You’d think they would know they were tipping their hands on this one.  Fifth or sixth time you disobey your parents and don’t get your eyes pecked out…

 

  • Worst Excuse for Wisdom?

 

    1. Did anyone mention the hedonistic baby smashing? … Yeah? … Okay what about … Proverbs 13:24 … “Don’t be a hater … Beat your children with a rod … The less you know”
    2. Building a door out of your boobless little sister, as discussed in Song of Solomon 8:8
    3. Proverbs 11:22 which says a woman without discretion is like a pig’s nose-ring. What the fuck does that even mean? Why the fuck does your pig have a nose ring to begin with? And what the fuck does that have to do with a gossip mongering  Stupid Proverbs.
    4. ugh fucking song of solomon. Song of solomon is like that girl who you wanna hook up with and she always dirty texts you but then your like “can i come over? and she’s like” what would you do if you came over…. and you just wanna fuck a person.
  • “What would I do?  Is this necessary? … Uhhh … I’d fuck you in your damp, well-shorn goat teeth.  Okay?  We’ll start with mouth stuff!  Can I come over now?”

 

  • Best Passage?

 

    1. And I’ll get the obvious one out of the way for you.  Ecclesiastes 3:20, which basically says, “There is no god”
    2. Song of Solomon 2:3 “I sat down under his shadow with great delight and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” That just sounds naughty.
    3. The lord most high is terrible was actually my choice because it comes out of nowhere and it made me laugh for like ten minutes. or baby smashing…god i love baby smashing
  • I keep picturing Gallagher, but with the watermelons switched out.
      1. I’m going with Proverbs 26:11 … “As a dog returneth to his vomit; so a fool returneth to his folly” … Like a heroin addict swimming around a toilet bowl for an unfinished opium suppository.

 

  • Worst Passage?

 

    1. Song of Solomon 1:13 “He will lie between my breasts all night,” because how can that possibly be comfortable for anyone involved? Spoon or something, damn.
    2. Well Lucinda already stole the baby-smashing Psalm so I guess I’ll settle for Psalm 38:7 where King David informs us that he has (quote) “a loathsome sickness in my loins”
  • Crabs are not kosher.
  1. Proverbs 21:31 … “The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD.” … So you absolutely cannot affect the outcome … of anything … your entire life … “It’s stupid for us to even use the word ‘outcome’.  But fruitlessly try hard anyway! … So I can watch and laugh.”
  2. psalm 53:1 The fool hath aid in his heart there is not god” I hate how many times a pius garbage human being has said this to me….also baby smashing. Also I don’t know if or where there is a place to talk about this but all of job is like a friend who’s drunk and wants to call his ex and you spend all night fighting him away from his cell phone and he wants to call her and he wants to call her so finally you let him and all he does is call her a bitch and hang up.

So on that odd but succinct summary, we’ll bid a not-so-fond farewell to the Wisdom books and move tantalizingly close to the end of the Old Testament.

So that … was the “wise” part??? … Doesn’t bode well for anyone, if they just climaxed on their wisdom.  What are they gonna do now? … Start predicting stuff?!?

Yeah, for a climax that took so long you’d have expected something bigger and more viscous.  Anyway, Eli, Lucinda, Heath, thanks again for fighting through the boredom and insanity.

 

Feedback

It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  We don’t have a lot of time for this tonight so I won’t bother expounding on what the term “listener feedback” means, and instead I’ll trust you to puzzle it out for yourselves.

We got several emails, tweets, Facebook messages, et cetera regarding our characterization of a DO as opposed to an MD.  I believe Noah referred to Osteophathic Manipulative Medicine as “Magic bullshit doctors” and I called a DO the “Go-Bot, Mr. Pibb GED” of the medical world.  And apparently many of our listeners believe we were in error.  Matthew sums it up, writing (quote)

“In your last episode, you […] were remarking on, and mocking a new creationist medical school.  I have no problem with that.  An, as of yet, unaccredited medical school founded on the principles of anti-science deserves not just your mockery, but everyone’s outright contempt.

However, your implication that the degrees they are awarding, DOs, rather than MDs implies a lesser degree of medical education is flat out wrong.  While I have no faith (pun intended) in Liberty university’s ability to teach medicine in a legitimate, therapeutic, manner; that has little or nothing to do with the fact they are offering DO degrees.  The fact is, Allopathic (MD) vs. Osteopathic (DO), are putatively equivalent in the medical community, and  facultatively identical in terms of medical residency, specialization, and medical licensing requirements; at least in the USA.

Okay, so maybe the GED bit was a bit harsh, but other than that I don’t know that we actually got it wrong.

Right… DOs are real doctors… Just not Doctor Peppers … But nobody’s saying Mr. Pibb isn’t a real soda.  I’m just saying the med schools at Harvard, Stanford, Johns Hopkins, Yale, and Columbia … all serve Dr. Pepper in the cafeteria.  Blind taste test, maybe they tie, but people ask for the Doctor.

Exactly.  Go-Bots really do transform into little cars.

It’s true, they really do … But regardless … We are fully aware that the “DO” is a perfectly valid doctor degree in standard western medical practice.

Now, as to my comment about Osteopathic medicine being “magic bullshit,” I stand by that.  Sure, a DO is a real doctor and has sufficient training in allopathic medicine, but he or she is a real doctor precisely to the extent that they don’t use osteopathic medicine.

Right, if my dentist is also an exorcist carpenter … I guess I’m okay with that, but it’s at least slightly different … And just to be clear allopathic means “medical practices based on science and evidence” … So regardless of what the other thing means …

All that being said, if I left the impression that the medical advice or expertise of a DO didn’t carry the weight of the same shit coming from an MD, I apologize for that.  So for the record, DOs learn all the same stuff MDs do and they learn magic bullshit doctoring.  But they mostly don’t use the latter.

Maybe the medical community can stop naming important degrees after antiquated, non-evidence based witch-doctory … But I’ll do my best in the future not to exacerbate the problem by making it even more confusing.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, keep those Tweets, Facebook messages and emails coming.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

 

Outro

Before we seal the envelope tonight I wanted to let you guys know what a fucking champ Heath is.  Broke two ribs on a diving play from second base on Sunday, still got the out and was back to work making dick jokes about Jesus the next day like it was nothing.  If you’ve ever broken a rib or two, you know how hard it is to laugh with broken ribs, but he was willing to do that for you.  A fucking champ.

I also wanted to let you know that “This Week in Misogyny” will be back next week… we just didn’t have room to squeeze it in tonight with the interview and the Wisdom book wrap up.  But if you were thinking maybe we’d defeated sexism as a world culture since our last episode, I’m sorry to say that no, it still thrives.

Of course I need to throw another big thanks to Peter Boghossian for giving us some of his time this week.  He’s an incredibly nice guy who is in this movement for all the right reasons.  We chatted off the air for a bit and the dude’s passion for reason is just palpable.  Again, his book is an easy read that is chocked full of the kind of data-driven, empirically tested methodology that we want and need to effectively devangelize.  If you haven’t read it yet, be sure to check our website for a link to buy it or just search “A Manual for Creating Atheists” on Amazon.

Also wanted to throw a big thanks to David Smalley for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  Hell of a guy who, as four of you know, hosts the excellent “Dogma Debate” podcast.  Very knowledgeable dude and if you don’t believe me, I can prove it.  You’ll find his show linked on this week’s shownotes as well.

Of course I have to thank Eli for helping us out again this week.  I know that it must seem like I’m trying to run him off by constantly asking him to watch shitty movies and read shitty books, but for some reason he keeps coming back and we’re damn glad that he does.

Obviously I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lugeons for all that she does to make this show happen, which, incidentally, is a hell of a lot more than just the warning, the Babble, This Week in Misogyny and the Bible Stories.  Couldn’t make this show go without her.

But, of course, most of all I need to thank this week’s most stellar derivatives of stardust; Julie, Braunz, Paul, Jon, Adam, Samson, Larry, Mark and Joseph.  Julie, Braunz and Paul, whose wisdom is so legendary the number forty-two goes to them for answers; Jon, Adam and Samson, who god thanks when he wins awards; and Larry, Mark and Joseph, who could win a game of Monopoly with nothing but Water Works, Electric Company and a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

These nine fine doubters of the divine put a plus sign on our bottom line this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the words ending in I-N-E it takes to give us money, but if you’re benign and inclined, you’ll can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked on our homepage… directly to the left of the donate button you can click if you’d like to make a one time donation.

And if you’d like to help us out but fuck all that donatin’ shit, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes.  We’re getting really close to four hundred and twenty reviews on American iTunes and if you don’t know the significance of that amount, I’m not gonna tell you.  Oh, and check us out on Stitcher because we’re fucking killing it on Stitcher and a few more people listening to us there could push us all the way to the number one Atheist podcast on that platform.  Cause look out, Dillahunty, here we eventually possibly come.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

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Episode 68 – Partial Transcript

June 5, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)

LINK TO EPISODE

LINK TO DONATE TO THE SHOW ON PATREON

LINK TO BUY THE BOOK

Warning: Eli’s on this episode so you might want to pee before you listen.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Christian Mingle (dot) com, because as far as we can tell, there’s no law against advertising for a company against their will.  So try Christian Mingle (dot) com, because when I say “Fuck Christians”, it’s not always metaphorical.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s June 5th,

And there’s no such thing as “well done but juicy”.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Ballgame over! Yankees win!” New York, New York,

And “Rebels Trail at Halftime” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll wonder why Easter candy is being sold in Malaysia,
  • We’ll learn that Hitler’s not as bad when you compare him to god,
  • And Eli Bosnick will join us to discuss that guy who hosted Later With Greg Kinnear.

But first, the diatribe…

 

Diatribe

Ever since I moved to Georgia, I’ve been looking forward to the missionaries.  I could hit the nearest church to my house with a frisbee and the next nearest with about a 3 wood.  I see roving bands of Jesus proxies everywhere I go in this town so I knew it was only a matter of time.

And when it finally came it was like a perfect storm of anger and rage.  It should have been a thing of beauty.  After the surgery, my wife was up and down and tossing and turning so I slept on the couch for the first couple of post-op weeks and it’s pretty okay for a couch but it’s still a couch.

Right about that time the AC goes out in my house.  So, of course, we get highs in the mid-nineties the whole time.  And for our international listeners, ninety five fahrenheit is three hundred and eight point one five Kelvin.  So it’s fucking hot.

Anyway, I wake up in the morning to a knock on the door that I hope is the repairman but instead it’s a couple of used afterlife salesman.  I’m wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts and a sheen of sweat, the perspiration in my hair has congealed into this reverse pillow mold and at that point I’d have been pissed if it was the Publisher’s Clearing House guys unless one of them had a background in AC repair.

All the ingredients were there for an epic, heartless, misanthropic beat down, but there was one problem.  The missionaries in question were three girls, ranging in age from fourteen down to nine.  The eldest is muttering something about an island and a boat and she’s clearly forgetting the last half of her sales pitch midway through the first half, so after a bit of stammering she asks me if I’ve made room in my life for Jesus.

So I consider it for a second and I say, “I liked some of his early stuff.”

This clearly wasn’t in their flowchart so it earned me a few seconds of blank stares and I added, “but once he got into that ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ phase, I tuned out.”

And apparently preteen Baptist girls don’t watch Reservoir Dogs because it clearly didn’t ring a bell.  But undeterred, Jesus’s groupies went on to the next line, which was something about some dead carpenter or another.  But I was done making fun of them and it was too hot to try to explain the concept of “incorrect” at that point so I told them I had important Messiahs to ignore but they were free to come back some other time.

It’s hard for me to imagine how that was supposed to go in their minds.  Do groups of socially awkward teenie-boppers have high conversion rates?  Are they concerned that somebody in town missed the church signs and giant crosses and “Christian Owned Business” stickers and bible verses and Christian book stores and yard signs and the bumper stickers and t-shirts and the eleven religious channels on basic cable and hadn’t heard the news about his sins having been died for?  Did the preacher think to himself, “If anything will subdue the skepticism of the wayward masses, it’s the wisdom of One Direction fans?”  And did mom and dad think to themselves, “What a great time to send the girls out unsupervised to the homes of middle aged men that we’ve never met!  I know it’s ninety five degree out, but it’s a wet heat.”

But, of course, I know that they know they’re not gonna convert me.  I’m just a prop in this game.  The preacher didn’t send them out to spread their faith, he sent them out to strengthen it.  It’s all about cramming as much Jesus as he can into every nook and cranny of their lives.  I’m a vaccine against all the people that might challenge their beliefs later in life.  I’m an unwitting pawn in their indoctrination.

Nothing betrays the depravity of religious leaders like their willingness to exploit children, and I’m not just talking about the ones that molest them.  I just don’t see how anyone can resolve this in their own heads.  How can you believe that teaching kids that there really are monsters under their beds is anything but unconscionable?

 

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is treif enthusiast, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to scare some swine-o-phobes?

So here’s what I’ve been doing … I carry a strip of bacon with me everywhere I go in New York City, and touch every surface I can.  That includes every straw in every restaurant if possible.  So if pig molecules irrationally frighten you, don’t come to New York any more.

In our lead story tonight, a Utah high school has taken decisive action against inappropriate shoulder-inspired erections this week by photoshopping modesty onto the floozies in their yearbook.  Officials at “Watch Snatch” high school in South-Central Heber City, Utah enraged a number of their female students by adding sleeves to tank tops and camisoles to the pre-cleavage chest area.

I can understand where these girls are coming from.  You’ve gotta look good when you’re 16-years-old, and have eight other younger wives to compete with.

Though they stopped short of going full hijab on these chicks, several of the students were outraged by the changes.  To their credit, the school later apologized for not altering more of the photos!  When this was brought to their attention, they were devastated by the fact that some of those little harlots got away with showing bare necks on their yearbook pictures after all.

Blasphemy!!!  Might as well be the “Clavicle Fetish” section of a porn site!!!

I think it’s worth noting… and this is coming from a guy that grew up in the scrambled-porn whacking era… I can assure these school officials that no amount of digital remastery is gonna slow down a teenage boy looking to rub one out.

Yeah porn on dial-up was rough, but we certainly still made it work.  The girl would show up in small horizontal bars, about once a minute, so by the time it got down to the upper shoulders, it was usually too late.  I’d finally see some snatch while I was cleaning up.

“And we liked it!”

Utah High School modifies girl’s yearbook pics to look more modest: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/05/28/utah-high-schoolers-furious-over-selective-alteration-of-girls-yearbook-photos/

And from the “Still in Denial” file, Life Savers Ministries of Alabama recently put up – and then immediately had to take down in public embarrassment – a billboard in Auburn with the following two quotes … #1: “He alone, who owns the youth, owns the future.” … And #2: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” … These particular brainwashing tips were taken from two sources: Proverbs 22:6 and … wait for it … Adolph Hitler.

And it’s not like they just didn’t know who said that.  They actually had the attribution on the billboard!  It was written in red and it was bigger than the biblical attribution so there was no possible way you could drive by and not realize you were getting parenting advice from Hitler.

So let’s set aside the Holocaust thing … Who even knows whether- … Just ignore that for a moment … The message of the billboard is insane.  First of all, it admits that Hitler and God use the same recruiting strategy.  Not a selling point.  And it also suggests that brainwashing people from birth to be religious zealots hasn’t lead to nearly every single genocide campaign in human history.  Which it clearly has.

You’d think at least the ad company would have said something.  The guy designing the thing?  “Hey guys… I know it’s your ad and everything, but are you sure you want to associate yourself with the Nazis?  I mean, I agree that at least it’s an ethos and all…”

So yes … Somehow, nobody foresaw any negative reaction to the name “Adolph Hitler” printed in huge letters, on an enormous highway poster.  Turns out several people in Alabama know someone that’s seen a Jew, and they were – of course – mildly offended on their behalf.

“I seen me a jew once!  Had one a ‘em little hats and everthang.”

Following the very subtle public outcry, Ministry founder James Anderegg admitted that – in retrospect – it might have been better to use a Herbert Hoover quote instead.  Which clearly betrays his knowledge of “Anyone But Hitler”, and really only makes it worse.

“But Hitler’s mom let’s him do it”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/03/christian-ministry-quotes-adolf-hitler-on-billboard-not-realizing-thats-a-bad-idea

And in “Don’t try this at home” news tonight, we have a fucked up story about a crazy person murdering a kid.  Raging psychotic Kimberly Lee Lucas, after being told repeatedly by the sane people around her that Abraham was commendable for the whole “willingness to murder his kid for god” thing, decided to emulate this biblical hero.  And it turns out that, no, killing children on the command of the voices in your head isn’t all the bible makes it out to be.

“Yeah I stabbed my 2-year-old with a knife.  But I didn’t think it would work!!!” … Where are the censors now?  At least Grand Theft Auto has you murdering hookers, not your own child.  And by the way, the Bible also has you murdering hookers, just for the record.

Now, we generally try to avoid stories about baby murder and crazy people on this show because by and large you can’t blame religion for its adherents being mentally ill… and baby murder jokes stop being funny if you’re talking about actual murdered babies.  But when you are arm crazy people with stories that glorify attempted infanticide you have to accept at least some of the blame.

Yeah to be fair, I’d say the blame is spread out evenly, across all the holy books that glorify attempted infanticide.

Now let me stave off a few emails right now by making it clear that I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to buy bibles or that all bibles should be banned.  I’m just endorsing waiting periods and background checks.  And maybe we should rethink our policies on assault bibles.

Woman kills child while reinacting Abraham and Isaac story: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/30/inspired-by-abraham-and-isaac-bible-story-woman-murders-two-year-old-girl-in-religious-test-god-didnt-stop-me/

And from the biggest file we have … Reverend Terence McAlinden – while employed as a youth group leader at the Diocese of Trenton in the 1980’s – sexually assaulted Chris Naples numerous times during church-sanctioned trips.  Naples has filed suit, but according to the diocese lawyer, the church is not responsible because the rapist was technically “off the clock” during those particular incidents.

Yeah, well in their defense, the Catholic Church has had a long standing “Who you fuck on your own time is none of our business” policy, haven’t they?

Indeed they have … The ‘off duty’ excuse prompted one of the justices to ask: “How do we determine when a priest IS and IS NOT on duty?” … The defense lawyer replied: “You can determine a priest is not on duty when he is [abusing] a child, for example”  … So they have a Pedophile Scotsman Policy.  “Clock out if your cock’s out.”

I feel the need to point out that that was a real quote.  The lawyer really said that.  He wasn’t a priest at that time because, by definition, priests don’t have their dicks in kids.  He was a priest between thrusts, sure…

Running out of clever titles for pedophile stories: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/03/church-deflects-blame-for-pedophile-priest-by-arguing-that-he-was-not-on-duty

And in “Spiritual Death by Chocolate” news tonight, several raging Muslim lunatics are left with creme egg on their faces this week when it turned out their fatwa against a candy bar may have been premature.  The story began last month when the Malaysian Ministry of Health demanded a recall that led to a fatwa against Cadbury.  At first I thought it was inspired by the fact that there’s no logical place to start eating those fucking creme eggs without splurting sugar sperm all over your chin, in which case I’d have been behind it entirely, but it turns out it was actually prompted by the detection of a few molecules of pork.

What I like to do for breakfast, is break two or three creme eggs over bacon and toast.  That way you can wipe up the sugar sperm with the extra toast.

Every sperm is sacred… Now, I know it’s hard to imagine Muslims getting the science wrong, but it turns out they didn’t adequately control for contamination.  Upon rectifying that oversight, the tests came back negative.  So yes, Malaysia is safe from spiritually deficient demon swine once again.  Now maybe the country that ranks between Libya and Syria on the human development index can move on to removing the piss from the tap water.

Or maybe they can spend a few days finding that fucking airplane!!!  It’s not as if it’s a tiny packet of fucking peanuts.

These new data have done little to slow down boycotts and demonstrations against the company.  When asked if the new findings were enough to exonerate the chocolatier, a spokesman for the Association of Islamic Consumers said (quote), “If we were the kind of people that changed our positions because of evidence, we wouldn’t be religious.”

Fatwa issued against Cadbury chocolate: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/02/cadbury-malaysia-pork-halal_n_5432136.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, in “Have Your Cock and Eat it too” news, the Colorado Civil Rights Commission has ruled that Jack Phillips – owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop – must stop discriminating against gay people by refusing to make wedding cakes for same-sex marriages.  Incidentally, such marriages don’t technically exist in Colorado yet, despite their very liberal stance on what can and can’t be put into baked goods.  And just to be clear, they draw the line after marijuana, but before a second cock.  Jason Biggs would have been safe.

I bet he never thought fucking that pie would be the high point of his career.

Dude wouldn’t have lasted a day on The Creek … So let’s recap: Phillips puts flower-shaped dollops of pink icing on cakes for a living, but refuses to be involved with gay stuff in any way whatsoever.  Sounds like the demand for homosexual food service isn’t being met in Colorado … So let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for a Gay Catering Business” … GO!!!

Circle Jerked Chicken

“Pie a la Mo”

Adam’s Apple Upside Down Cake?  Made with fresh tranny apples?

Don’t mix up the tops and bottoms … What about: “Five Guys Sharing Ass…Burgers and Fries”?

I think you could have just stopped at “Five Guys”… how about “Squeals on Wheels: All the pillow you can bite for one low price”

Tossed Fruit Salad … Some people prefer jelly … Most likely “Felch’s Grape”

I only like it with Peanut Bugger.

Like those gay cream pies … What are they called? … FlufferNutters in the Butter

How about Santorum-balls?

Man on Manchester Tart??? … Queer-a-misu???

A little “Queef Brisket” for the Lesbian menu

BrownEye Rounds: Donut-Shaped Fudge-Packed Brownies

Chubway Footlongs?  Or you can get the really big ones and circumcise a little bit at a time.

“Epstein’s Barbecue: Smokin’ Pole Food”

“Rusty Trombone Appetit”

“Two Guys, One Cupcake”

If I’m not mistaken, two girl-one cup references are to our headlines as fat ladies are to operas, so I guess that does it for tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will be here to discuss the new film “Little Mister Monkeyshines”

 

Outro

Before we abdicate the throne tonight I wanted to let everyone know we’re getting damn close to our five hundred dollar an episode Patreon goal.  For those who don’t know, when we hit $500 we’re gonna make a go at doubling the length of the show so if you want more us, we’re only about thirty three bucks shy now, you can get us closer by visiting Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and making a per episode donation.

Also want to remind everybody that I was on the most recent episode of The Imaginary Friends Show podcast, that’s episode one eighty two of Jake’s fine show, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for this episode.  Had a blast with Pete Darwin and Ross from the Skeptically Challenged Podcast, and you’re invited to listen to that blast at your convenience.

I also wanted to remind everyone that every time somebody buys a copy of “Diatribes, Volume One: Fifty Essays from a Godless Misanthrope”, an angel gets his wings… and then gets them thumbtacked to a cork board for a fourth grade science project.  You’ll find links to buy both the ebook and the paperback at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Can’t shut it down without thanking Heath for boldly going where no abortion joke has gone before; I need to thank Lucinda for inexplicably failing to divorce me by now, I want to thank Paul from the Quranify Me podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote… and if you haven’t checked out his show yet, be sure to check the shownotes for a handy link.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most interesting persons of interest, Dave, Wayne, Derrick, Andrew, David, Mark, Allen, Matthew, Richard, Michael, Z and other Michael.  Dave, Wayne and Derrick, whose strength would be the standard unit of measurement horses would use if horses built cars; Andrew, David and Mark, whose erections are engorged with enough blood to feed a family of vampires on Thanksgiving; Allen, Matthew and Richard, whose cocks are so big even Galactus just works the tip; and Michael, Z and other Michael, whose names god calls out when he comes.

These twelve well-meaning, well-endowed well-wishers have swelled our well-being this week by giving us money.  Giving us money takes courage, dedication and two and a half to three minutes, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but you forgot the combination to your mattress, you can also help us out by leaving us a review on iTunes or Stitcher or other places as you see fit.  Also, sharing our show on Facebook and Twitter and stuff is a great way to prune the humorless asshats.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

Episode 50 – Partial Transcript

January 30, 2014 8 comments

by Heath Enwright, Noah & Lucinda Lugeons and Eli Bosnick

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language.  And this week, we’re going for the record.

 

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nepalese cancer-curing carbonated cow piss soda, Mount Hin-Du.

Mount Hin-Du; we put the Brahman in Brominated vegetable oil.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s January 30th

And we’re doing a full-hour this week, so you have to pay double.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from nearly 4th Avenue-less New York, New York…

…and less-than-4-avenues-having Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • A preacher learns the hard way that despite what the Bible says, poison can kill you,

  • I’ll offer a Nebraska state senator a rim job,

  • He’ll bargain his way up to a rusty trombone,

  • And Eli Bosnick will join us to justify a fourth bullet point.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

The other day I got an email from Tyler.  Tyler used to be an atheist, but now he or she has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior and wanted to come on the show to tell all of us heathens the wonderful news about Jesus.  He or she offered to answer any questions we might have about Jesus-iness with the warning that he or she was (quote) “not an expert in theology”.

So here I have this rare opportunity to speak with somebody who loves Jesus and doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.  How could I say no?  Well, here’s how:

“Thanks for your email, Tyler.  I can only assume that you’ve never listened to the show and are only responding to the word ‘atheist’ in the title, but let me assure you that nobody who listens to our program wants to hear you talk about Jesus.  Thanks anyway.”

To which Tyler offered a one word reply, (quote) “okay.”

This is not the first Christian who has tried to wriggle their way onto our docket of future guests.  It used to happen once a month or so, but now I’m getting requests like these at least once a week.  Some of them are from theists that want to debate the merit of their particular fantasy and some are from avid listeners that just want to hear that debate.

And my answer is always the same, though when it’s a listener I phrase it a bit more congenially.  My answer is “no”, and if I’m pressed for an explanation it’s some derivative of “‘cause I don’t wanna.”  I don’t want to engage these people, I don’t want to pretend that there’s some merit to their argument, I don’t want to listen to the blithering bastardization of science in their arsenal, I don’t want to be polite and I also don’t want to shout “go fuck yourself” at somebody I’ve invited on the show.  What’s more, I don’t want to subject our listeners to it.

Not all of these aspiring guests are as cordial as Tyler, of course.  Many of them lash out at me in response and accuse me of cowardice, of intellectual dishonesty, of insulating myself behind a wall of like-minded opinions.  They paint the picture of a terrified psyche, desperately clinging to the untenable belief that invisible wizards play no part in human affairs, fearful that if somebody comes on our show and says Jesus a lot my worldview will crumble around me and the god-sized hole in my heart will bleed out.

The arrogance here would be staggering if I weren’t already so familiar with the audacity of Christian privilege.  They seem to think that as an atheist I’m duty bound to offer equal time to the opinion that we started the podcast to offset; as though I’m under some obligation to use the platform we’ve created to promote the point of view antithetical to my own.  It’s not enough for them that there are five hundred Christian programs for every atheist program, they want to be on ours as well.  What’s more, they feel that they have some kind of divine right to it.

And why?  Is it a staple of Christian entertainment to bring on the biblical scholar and show them how wrong they’ve got it?  Do most sermons end with an atheist counterpoint?  Does Joel O’Steen spend much time debating heathens on his podcast?  And do these same bitter fuck monkeys that contact me also write in to Jewish podcasts and Buddhists podcasts and Wiccan podcasts demanding that they defend their faith in an Oxford style debate?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not against public debates.  As long as they’re not being used to raise money for an institution dedicated to anti-scientific indoctrination (ahem) Bill Nye (ahem), I’m all for the atheist community engaging.  I’m glad there are people like Sam Harris and Shelly Kagan out there making William Lane Craig look stupid.  And I’m happy there are shows like the Atheist Experience that take all comers and engage with whatever nincompoop calls in.  I’m glad that shows like that exist, I just don’t want to host one.

And no, it’s not because I’m afraid I’ll lose.  It’s pretty easy to win a debate when the other side is trying to prove that Jack’s beanstalk really existed.  But just because I can shovel a large pile of shit doesn’t mean I want to, and it sure doesn’t mean that anybody would want to listen to it if I did.

Besides, debate isn’t just about presenting the better argument.  Sometimes the person with all the facts on their side can lose a debate in the eyes of the audience just by seeming arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.  And if there’s anything this show has proven in its first 49 episodes, it’s that I’m arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines this week is semi-professional vulgarian Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to be vulgar?

What, no fancy montage for me?

(Heath cursing montage)

Do I really fucking curse that much?

In our lead story tonight, Oklahoma Republican lawmaker Mike Turner has proposed a bill that would protect Oklahomans from the dark forces of two-cock wedlock this week by banning marriage altogether.  Arguing that the fucking baby shouldn’t have been mixed in with the bathwater in the first place, Turner argues that the courts have left him no other legal recourse for his wretched, small-minded hostility.

Are they under the impression that the gay-marriage-ban thing has been working so far?!?  If they let this one slide, dudes are gonna start having butt sex for the first time?  Spawning gay families?

The scrap of sanity hidden in his morass of malevolence is the Libertarian notion that states shouldn’t be in the business of regulating marriage, a point that might have debatable merit if it weren’t derived entirely from faith-fueled fanaticism.  To his credit, Turner makes no attempt to sell this legislation as based on high-minded principles; crediting the inspiration for the move entirely to god’s well-advertised hatred of fags.

Can we stop pretending that legislation about the definition of the word ‘marriage’ makes any fucking difference.  This is Christian assholes finding absurdist measures to make sure gay people can’t get taxed fairly.  As if eternal damnation isn’t punishment enough.  

Ryan Kiesel, executive director of the Oklahoma ACLU characterizes the move as desperate political posturing that is all but guaranteed to fail.  When asked about the proposed ban, Kiesel called the legislators backing the bill (quote) “…out of touch with most Oklahomans” (end quote), though off the record I’m sure he called them a hell of a lot worse than that.

Oklahoma Republican introduces bill to block gay marriage in by outlawing marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/01/25/oklahoma-republicans-bill-would-block-same-sex-marriage-by-stopping-all-marriages/

And in “Ejaculate the Ripper” news, Georgia church official Craig Lamar Davis was found guilty of felony charges, for willfully spreading the HIV virus, despite his defense that his AIDS diagnosis only happened because of all the crack he smokes.  When asked by prosecutors: “Then why are you taking AIDS medicine?” … Davis responded that it’s a preventative measure, after he heard a rumor that coincidentally all the women he sleeps with have AIDS somehow.

So here’s how fucked the Davis defense team was: Apparently part of their defense strategy was to put some AIDS denialists on the stand and argue that there’s no such thing as AIDS.  And that AIDS doesn’t come from HIV.  And that HIV tests are all bullshit anyway.  Hard to imagine how they lost this one.

Apparently it’s easier to get a job at a church than it is to become an Amsterdam hooker.  And Amsterdam hookers can literally be high on crack in the interview, as long as they don’t also have AIDS.  Bottom line: They preside over similar amounts of sexual activity, but Dutch pimps are far more responsible about it (and consensual about it) than God’s HR department.    

The thing they actually found him guilty of was “reckless HIV”.  That’s how they actually phrase it; two counts of reckless HIV.  Makes me think of him accidentally jacking off on somebody’s salad or something, “Oh, I’m sorry, did I get HIV on your plate?  How reckless of me.”

And because I’m also a twisted fuck, this story made me think of Billy Joel playing $10,000 Pyramid with Peter Griffin …

Billy Joel: “AIDS … Crack … Bernie Goetz …”

Peter Griffin: “Things that kill black people?”

I was gonna go with “things that have been in Amy Winehouse’s vagina”

But I think we’re a little off track, so just to summarize: The church official didn’t know about his AIDS because of the crack, and then couldn’t help but jizz-murder those women, because good Christians don’t use condoms.

This story has crack, HIV, and churchhttp://www.ajc.com/news/news/defendant-in-hiv-trial-found-guilty/ncwb6

And from the “At the Very God Damned Least” file tonight, a Nepalese court has ruled that when you rob children of their youth in order to worship them as temporary incarnations of a mythical being for a few years before tossing them back into the world educationally and socially retarded, you have to give them money.

Right assuming they only work their prepubescent slave-goddesses 60 hours a week for 5 years, they get about 78 cents an hour back-pay, spread out over 10 years, assuming laid-off Pre-Cogs can get new work and survive in society for that long.  

The ruling was a small step toward righting the insane and despicable institution of “Kumari”, in which little girls are worshipped as living goddesses until they get a muff tuft.  Apparently the girls are selected by strict physical criterion that includes shit like (quote) “an unblemished body, a chest like a lion and thighs like a deer.”  But just in case the thought of a team of experts examining the chests and thighs of prepubescent girls didn’t boil your blood at all, the few girls who are unlucky enough to meet the strict physical requirements must then prove their bravery by not crying while watching a buffalo get slaughtered.  At ages as young as FOUR.  And then the winner gets to live in a temple where they’ll be paraded around as objects of worship while not getting an education or having a childhood.

America has a more efficient system for dealing with the JonBenet Ramseys in our culture, when we’re done with them.  

I think it’s important to note that the court isn’t ending this practice.  They’re not phasing it out or forcing the temple to give the girls eight hours a day of education and some free time to fuck around with a rainbow loom or anything.  All they’ve done here is ruled that the girls have to be paid a pension for a few years after all this psychological abuse.  So apparently they weren’t even doing that.

Nepalese girls kidnapped by prehistoric nonsense to be compensated: http://www.gulf-times.com/nepal/250/details/377883/ex-kumari-welcomes-pension

And in “C-word isn’t just for Caucasian” news, Christian talking head and vice-presidential candidate abortion Sarah Palin celebrated Martin Luther King Day by telling President Obama that in honor of her nigga MLK, he should stop playing the race card …   Which is physically impossible.  Black people can’t stop playing the race card.  Barack Obama, despite his very best efforts, can’t just get a white library card and stop being a black President.  

Yeah, she’s on a limb even in her own party on this one.  Most republican Christians don’t want to revoke the race card; they just want to make sure you bring three forms of ID when you renew it.

There is speculation that Palin’s comments were a response to a recent New Yorker article, in which an Obama quote points out that some people like the idea of a black President, and some people dislike the idea of a black President.  Apparently this self-evident truth came off as a venomous Black Panther rant to the Alaskan hockey mom, who runs a neighborhood watch that helps NORAD visually detect Russian nuclear attacks.  If she’s scared of Obama, I want to see her interviewed with Richard Sherman.  

Well she does have some credential on this issue.  She was the governor of Alaska and you can see black people from Alaska, so she probably knows her shit.

So is it just me, or do you wish that MLK could hate fuck Sarah Palin, and you could pay $100 to watch??? … Famous civil rights leaders fucking awful white bitches … That’s a porn goldmine.  Which segues smoothly to about half a minute of clever new titles we’ll think up on the spot, right now.  

30 seconds on the clock.  Civil rights leaders fantasy porn titles: GO!!!

“White Dicks Palin Comparison to Malcolm’s XXL”

Susan B. On-her-knees starring in “The Undergown Railroad”

Right, with Harriet Chubman as the black hermaphrodite.

“Nelson Mandela Living in Bondage: Apar-Tied to the Bed Posts.”

Three Missing Civil Rights Workers, One Cup?  Too soon?  To do another two girls one cup joke?

No such thing.  The whole point of the genre is to see Anne Coulter get shat on …

So what about “Scat Turner’s Revolt”??? … “Desmond’s Number Tutu”???

Gotta get some guy on guy golden shower titles in there too, like “Martin Luther Queen in ‘I Have a Stream’”.  I believe Frederick Dug-Ass was in that too.

Pee at last!  Pee at last! …

Louis Farra-Conjugal Visits: The Insemi-Nation of Islam … Filmed on location at Martha Stewart’s Country Club Jail: Where choking a bitch is a white collar crime.

I like the Suffrage and Discipline stuff.  Like Elizabeth Cady Strap-on.

“Rosa Parks It in the Rear” … That one’s ironic, because black women don’t usually like anal.

Jesse Jacks-Off Jesse Jackson?

What about “Hand Jobs for Strokely Carmichael: Finally some white people doing manual labor.”

W.E.T. DuBoys and Medgar Whenevers in N Double D CP

Sarah Palin lectures Obama on race for MLK Day: http://www.latimes.com/local/abcarian/la-me-ra-on-mlk-day-tonedeaf-sarah-palin-says-obama-plays-the-race-card-20140120,0,3099194.story#axzz2rPG7wjaO

And in the disturbingly thin “Midwestern lawmakers who aren’t dogmatic turd-cuddlers” file, Nebraska state senator and openly atheist pioneer Ernie Chambers has introduced a bill that would eliminate state property-tax exemptions for churches.  Because you’d have to be a fucking idiot not see the logic in that.  Unfortunately for the future of the proposal, his colleagues largely don’t see the logic in that.

I love this guy Ernie Chambers, but his title “Most Atheist Member of the Nebraska State Senate” isn’t that impressive. Neither is “Smartest Member of the Nebraska State Senate” or “Blackest Member of the Nebraska State Senate”.  It’s like “Oldest Kid in the Cancer Ward”.

The language of his bill read almost like an audition to be a co-host on this show.  He basically just copied the existing list of exemptions and crossed out the word “religious” wherever it appeared.  He didn’t delete it, mind you, he left it there, but crossed out.  And as if that wasn’t awesome enough, in his statement of intent for the bill he reminded his Christian colleagues that Jesus was all about rendering unto Caesar what was Caesar’s and closed with the following actual quote: “All things considered, I expect my colleagues to say, regarding this bill: “Let thy will be done.” To which I can atone: “Amen.” (end quote)

Yeah his whole statement of intent was hilarious.  My favorite line might have been his opener: (quote) “The purpose of LB 675 is to help the State gain more revenue, rather than less, by taking away churches’ property tax exemptions.” (end quote)

Yeah, I would almost lick this dude’s asshole based solely on this story.  Of course, unlike the “outlaw-marriage so fags can’t have ‘em” bill we discussed earlier, this one has absolutely no chance of success, but it did boost Chambers into potential running mate status with Barney Frank in the Scathing Atheist’s involuntary presidential ticket for 2016.

Senator suggests taxing property: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/nebraskas-atheist-state-senator-introduces-bill-that-would-force-churches-to-pay-property-taxes

And in “Natural Born Again Killers” news, it’s been 613 days, so it’s no longer too soon to laugh at West Virginia preacher Mark Wolford, who died from a rattlesnake bite after performing a service with the deadly reptile on May 27, 2012.  As is often heard when redneck psychopaths have a mishap, someone yelled: “You get the truck!  I’ll get the snake bite juice!”  But instead of driving the truck to the hospital, Wolford was taken to a nearby safe house where they routinely take snake bite victims to rest themselves back to health.  And because that’s stupid, he died.  

If only all stupid was that fatal.

These guys are pushing that envelope as best they can.  Adherents of venomous snake handling cite God’s words from Mark 16: “In my name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” (end quote) …

This particular passage of the Bible has caused an entire category at the Darwin Awards.  Among the former winners is Wolford’s father, who also died of a snake bite the same way.  And as he watched his father die, he saw God give a subtle wink, which was apparently the really tricky sign this guy needed to carry on the family business.

So when this shit happens… generationally… it has to either be proof that Jesus isn’t a viable anti-venom or proof that these people don’t really love Jesus.  I think it’s probably the latter so my suggestion is that all true Christians attempt rattlesnake cunnilingus so that we can weed out the imposters.

Why aren’t they focusing on the other suggestions?!?  “Take up serpents” is obviously the worst one.  It would be far less destructive if they fondled breast cancer patients, and didn’t heal them.  Or if they just killed themselves by drinking poison.

West Virginia snake handling preacher dies from rattlesnake bite: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/05/30/11956841-snake-handling-preacher-dies-from-rattlesnake-bite-in-west-virginia

And in “I bet these idiots were wondering who Acklew was” news, the ACLU has filed suit against the Sabine Parish school district in Louisiana for a prodigious list of constitutional violations.  The suit accuses the school of a (quote) “long history of proselytizing students and promoting religion” (end quote) including, but not limited to incorporation of Christian prayer into school events, religious iconography in the halls and classrooms, an electronic marquee with a constant scroll of bible verses, the inclusion of the words “god exists” on the statement of beliefs for the school district, faculty led bullying and ostracization of non-Christian students, religious questions on science exams, the explicit teaching of creationism, offering extra-credit for believing in the Christian god and holding mandatory prayer assemblies.

For the church to pay back all the tax money they’ve stolen, and then add all those 50-shekel payments to new dads on top of that … They’re financially and morally bankrupt 1000 times over, and therefore no longer allowed to exist!!!

Oh, believe it or not, this story gets worse.  The ACLU is suing on behalf of a 6th grade Buddhist, whose science teacher allegedly included questions like (in all caps) “Isn’t it amazing what the (blank) has made” followed by, I shit you not, 32 exclamation points, and then called him stupid in front of the class when he refused to write “Lord” in the blank provided.  When his mother complained to the Superintendent she was apparently told that this was the bible belt and if she didn’t like it her son should either change his faith or move to another district where there are (allegedly quote) “more Asians.”

Whoa!!!  That’s Clossing the Rine!

ACLU sues LA school district for all kind of Christian bullshit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/this-district-just-got-sued-for-teaching-creationism-offering-extra-credit-for-writing-bible-verses-on-tests-more/

Moving on to “Not Quite Two Birds With One Drone” news, Pope Franti-matter helped two children almost publicly murder a pair of “peace doves”, by releasing them from his weird little speaking window above St. Peter’s Square, only to be immediately attacked by two of Obama’s atheist drones, disguised as a seagull and a large black crow.  The President denies any involvement, but he did give me a fist bump as he made the denial . . . And then he did this thing where he blew it up.  Like (blow up sound) … Black people are so cool.  

Yeah.  When white people try for cool handshakes it ends up looking like Michael J Fox playing roshambo with Stephen Hawking.  Black people got the style and the big dicks so I don’t know why they’re still so pissed that we got all the impartial justice and living wage jobs.

Catholics are traumatized, and suspect this is the work of Satan, Star Scream, or the Jews.  Strangely enough, nobody suspects the godless, Kenyan, Muslim, homosexual in the White House, who was likely also behind the August 2013 sabotage of an Oral Roberts jingoism rally, in which they hired a bald eagle to fly on stage, and instead it crashed to the floor in epic failure as an auditorium full of idiots chanted “USA!!!”  

And I’m surprised nobody’s put it together.  Don’t they know that Kenyans can communicate with animals?

I saw his birth video when he talked to Mufasa … And what’s with white people and our endangered species fetish?!?  We’re always doing ridiculous shit, like renting bald eagles, shooting pterodactyls with assault rifles, eating panda steaks, bow-hunting black people.  Somebody needs to stop us, or we will continue ruining the world.

Pope releases peace-doves, which get attacked by atheist birds: http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/pope-francis-s-peace-doves-attacked-by-birds-at-vatican-1.2511761?cmp=fbtl

And on that somber admission we’ll close out the headlines, Heath, thanks as always.

Happy to be here.

And when we return Eli Bosnick will join us to remind everybody that he’s funny as fuck.

Pitch:

On January 18th of 2013, at 7:17am Malaysian Standard Time, a new podcast was born, released into a cruel and unforgiving world with only it’s wits to guide it.

That podcast, was this podcast.

And since that day we’ve consistently brought you a new show every Thursday without exception.

Except for the first five episodes when it was biweekly.

We’ve consistently provided 30 minutes of high quality dick jokes…

Except episodes 10 and 25, which were an hour..

And we’ve had them to you at precisely 8am Eastern Time, every week.

Except episodes 43 and 48, which you fucked up and dropped early.

Heath and I work tirelessly every week,

(ahem)

Heath, Lucinda and I work tirelessly every week to bring you the best half hour of blasphemy we can muster, often working upwards of 200 hours a week to make it happen.

There are only 168 hours in a week.

I meant between the 3 of us.

That’s still way high.

More like 100.

That’s still probably high.

But it’s a lot.  And if you don’t believe me, just ask my wife.

And if you don’t believe me, just ask my vagina.

Wait, your vagina talks?

No, that was a joke.

But the point is that we work really hard.

We do.

Yeah.

And to continue to provide you with the highest quality fart jokes in the other religion podcast subcategory on iTunes, we need your help.

Specifically, your money.

Because, holy shit, this thing has turned into a full time job.

And a part time job.

And another part time job.

And just as you count on a new episode each week to get you through your Friday commute, we count on your donations to make it possible.

You stole that line from Brian Dunning.

Pretty much, yeah.

So if you’d like to help us keep the Scathing Atheist ad free, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Wait, we weren’t gonna put ads in it…

Yeah, but they don’t know that.

And remember, if every listener donated just a dollar a week, we’d be fucking loaded.  But they won’t, so you’ll probably have to give more than that.

 

Panel Notes:

Award season is in full swing.  You’ve already skipped the Golden Globes, avoided the Grammys, forgotten all about the People’s Choice Awards and you’re actively not giving a shit about the Oscars so we figured; why not squeeze one more meaningless ceremony into the season.

And in accordance with the fact that religious idiots think atheists believe in Satan, he we are hosting the “Penta-Grammys”.

That’s right.  And in addition to a ready made pun, this also provides us a great opportunity to bring back friend of the show and audience favorite Eli Bosnick.  Eli, welcome back.  It’s been too long.

(screaming in terror)

Alright, so here’s how the Penta-Grammys work.  We’ve randomly chosen a few categories for this inaugural ceremony and each of us will offer our nominee.  And since winning awards was rendered meaningless in 2010 when they gave Sandra Bullock an Oscar, we’ll just leave it at the nomination phase.

Our first category is an obvious one and Heath, you’ll start us off; Best Religious News Item of 2013

The Scathing Atheist headline read something like: “Imaginary Jesus voices tell area man to exorcise Satan by blowing up the family puppy with an IED.”  

Or, as friend of the show Tom from Cognitive Dissonance put it, “Worst shock collar ever.”

These were apparently the same voices that told him to prepare for a rapture, that kept not happening despite the Mayan Calendar not being infinite, and despite a now-dead Harold Camping having calculated the first derivative of the Bible to solve for Apocalypse.  So the December 2012 rapture didn’t happen, the year 2013 did happen, Jesus helped murder a labrador retriever, and the End Times Calculus asshole died.  Lots of good atheist lessons here, but the puppy murder takes it for me.  We all know religion can trick people into torturing, raping, and killing other people, but that doesn’t seem to be a deal-breaker.  Maybe the puppy thing will do it.        

Satanist Memorial thing let this begin a movement all over.

Strangely, we actually haven’t had occasion to talk about the Satanic Monument on the show since they unveiled the design, so if you were pressed to describe the proposed monument to the audience, what would you say?

(description)

Okay, so this isn’t a particular headline or anything, but I’m nominating the rise of the atheist church, or the godless congregation or whatever I have to call it to not piss off the people who don’t like them.  I know a lot of people are stand-offish on the whole idea, but I look at it as a necessary step toward national secularism.  So that’s my nominee for News Item of the Year.

Yeah stuff like Sunday Assembly is getting some steam in the States now too.  Nice to see early evidence that people can hang out in groups on Sunday, without being self-righteous bigoted assholes about it.  

Moving right along to our second category, this is a dubious distinction, I would think, but our second category is “Religious Figure Who Has Done the Most to Promote Atheism” and Eli, why don’t you start us out?

Pope Francis. Just changing his mind about everything. Next week he’s gonna be like “Eh…its a myth…who wants to get some PUSSY”

It really has been amazing.  Just a quick list of some of the crazy shit he’s said in his first year of papacy:

  • “Who am I to judge gay people?”

  • “Atheists can get into heaven”

  • “Bare tits in church?  That’s cool”

  • “I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power of the enemy, every spectre from hell and all your fell companions; in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ”

Didn’t he also mention something about “There is no Catholic god.”???  Maybe we can get him on the show to elaborate.  

I’m going with Antonin Scalia.  He’s not a religious figure per se, but he’s religious and he’s a figure.  And he aptly demonstrated this year that no amount of education and academic achievement can make a Catholic not sound like a raging lunatic when he starts talking about religion.

For those who don’t recall, Scalia did an interview with New York Magazine where he admits to believing in an actual, physical, existent devil.  And as if that wasn’t terrifying enough from a Supreme Court Justice, when he was pressed about why we never see any evidence of this magical embodiment of evil, he explained that (quote) “The devil’s getting wilier”

Despite the Pope’s skeptical stance on this guy, I’d like to nominate Catholic God.  He’s clearly gone out of his way to be more than fair with us logical people recently.  He’s literally bending kids over backwards to make atheism look good.  And forwards.  More bending over forwards, really.  Depends if they’re blowing a second priest.

And when Pope Frandle in the Wind tries to get too hippie about shit, god kills his birds, so yeah, good nominee.

Of course, If this was the Oscars there would be a poorly cobbled together musical number here, but luckily, it’s not, so we’ll just move directly to the next category; “Moment in 2013 That Most Conflicted With the Concept of a Loving God.

And at first I was gonna go with those big ass typhoons, but they mostly only killed brown people so I went with a story we covered on episode 26 of this program; and it was a story about a congregation in Fresno, California that was convinced that a tree outside their church was weeping holy tears.  And even after it was painstakingly explained to them that the “tears” were actually aphid shit, they continued to not only worship them, but DRINK them.

And if there was a god there’s no way he would make it that easy on us.

I’m with Noah on this one, but I’d like to expand the nomination to any of several times that God made people literally eat shit and drink piss.  This all happened in 2013 … We’ve got the aphid shit mistaken for magical Jesus sap, we’ve got God letting churches set up shit-water basins to use as “holy water”, we’ve got a guy being prosecuted for telling a bunch of shit-sippers that the crying Jesus statue is just a leak from a nearby public restroom sewage pipe, and we’ve got a Hindu cult drinking virgin cow urine … and still having cancer afterward.  And also, I’d like to nominate cancer in general.

The death of paul Walker. The 2nd hour of the wolf of wall street…or all those starving kids…I dont know…

Awesome.  Okay, so this next category is a tricky one.  I originally wrote it down as “Biggest Asshole”, but despite Heath’s first choice for nominee, we’re not actually basing this on anal circumference.

So “African Altar Boys” doesn’t work.

Right.  What we’re looking for here is the person the world could most have done without in 2013.  Eli, who would you most like to scrub from the population statistics?

Jenny Mcarthy

So for this one my nominee was obvious; Pat Robertson, but the tricky part was deciding which egregious lapse of humanity to nominate him for.  Should it be for the AIDs decoder ring quote? For asking how he can respond to gay people’s posts on Facebook if there’s no “vomit button”?  For comparing transgendered people to his castrated horse?  For diverting charitable funds to his secret blood diamond mining operation, which I’m not just making up to make him sound more like a GI Joe villain?

And after a long night wrestling with that question, I decided to opt for “none of the above” and just nominate him for not having the decency to go ahead and fucking die.

I’m going with Muslim God on this one.  Next to asshole in the dictionary, I think there’s actually a picture of a generic deity lashing a female rape victim with a bull whip.  This is the same imaginary guy that told several countries to install Gaydar and prostate exams at airports.  The same non-existent asshole that insists women dress like lepers … and sponsors death bounty fatwas on people that don’t like all the stuff I just mentioned.  I’d also like to mention all the faithfully rapey Muslim men that make it all possible.  And the fundamentalist clerics.  And the whole crew over at Hezbollah.  And those crazy niggas over at Al Queda.  And of course Mr. and Mrs. Kazaam – Allah’s magical mom and dad.

Alright, and our final category is a little bit more on the serious side.  It’s also the only one I can imagine anybody being happy about winning and it’s the only one that I’m absolutely certain will appear again in next year’s Penta-Grammys; gentlemen, who would you like to nominate for 2013’s Atheist of the Year.

I’d like to nominate our very own, Noah Lugeons.  Not only for his tireless work on what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time.  And not only for marrying the talented Lucinda Lugeons, the woman many are calling “The Anti-Coulter”.  And not only for his many great appearances on other atheist and skeptical broadcasts.  But most importantly, for pointing out the following when I suggested a Mormon necrophilia joke in honor of Paul Walker …

“Well, they do practice posthumous baptism, so they do have experience moistening dead people.”

Well now just to be fair I think I should toss out one of your best quotes on the show.  How about that time when you were talking about how awesome I was and you said (quote) “what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time”?  That one was probably my favorite.

Okay, so for my nominee here, I was damn tempted to go with Valerie Dodds, the Nebraska porn star that got in trouble for breaking into her old Catholic school and publishing video of her using a crucifix as a dildo, but I don’t know for sure she’s an atheist and this one was supposed to be at least kind of serious, so I’m going with friend of the show and inaugural Farnsworth quoter Hemant Mehta.

Amen!!!  Among many other things, nobody aggregates daily religious jack-assery in perfect format for scathing atheist headline researchers like the Friendly Atheist He-Man.

His indefatigable work has not only made atheism more visible, but his charity work has done a lot to give atheism a more friendly face, a more relatable face.  And even though it seems like we’re actively working to undermine that every week, I think we can all agree that atheism can’t succeed as a movement if it’s just made up of assholes like me.

And bigger assholes like me … at least in circumference.  

Sam Harris.

Alright, so that’s gonna do it for the First Annual Pentagrammy awards, Eli, thanks for dropping by.

And Heath, thanks for fifty great episodes man.  Here’s to fifty more.  And then a few crappy ones because this shit is getting exhausting.

The 40, the 45, the 50 – Jew-Manji!!!

And with one more quick thanks to everybody who wrote in with their favorite moments from our first forty-nine shows, we’re gonna leave you with a few of the Scathing Atheist’s greatest hits.

Outro:

Before we flip the breakers tonight, I wanted to offer an apology and a quick correction; on the calendar segment in episode 48 I gave dates for a few of the major conferences coming up this year, including the dates for TAM 2014, which actually haven’t been announced yet.  Fucked up on the research and accidentally listed the dates for last year’s TAM so sorry for any inconvenience that caused.  We’ll get the correct dates to you as soon as they’re announced.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but if twice as much us just isn’t enough, be sure to check out my guest appearance on The Imaginary Friends Show with Jake Farr-Wharton; you’ll find me along with the incomparable Martin S. Pribble and the only slightly comparable Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and the brand spanking new “Atheistically Speaking” podcast.  You’ll find all of that on episode 166 of Jake’s show, which will, of course, be linked on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/01/27/ifs-166-youre-absolutely-right/

Of course we can’t close this thing out without thanking Heath for all that he’s done and all he continues to do to make this show what it is.  I need to thank Lucinda for adding her unique brand of vulgarity and wit to the show.  I really need to thank Eli for making time for us this week.  And I also want to thank everybody who ever sent in a Farnsworth quote for the show.  To those people that didn’t make it into the montage at the beginning of this episode I apologize; the damn thing just got too long when I included everyone.

I also need to offer a true and sincere thanks to everyone listening for making this whole project fun enough to do fifty times in a row.  We really appreciate you giving us a half hour of your life every week, and occasionally an hour; and we’re already hard at work trying to earn another half hour next week.  Thanks for making the show possible.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most notable humans; William, Evan, Alan, Cherie, Chris, Christine, Jeffrey, Tony, Joseph, Justin, Jerry and April.  William and Evan, whose mighty fists act as emergency backups for the Large Hadron Collider; Alan and Cherie, who are faster than a speeding Kryptonian; Chris and Christine, whose intellects are so legendary their iPhones ask them questions; Jeffrey and Tony, whose erections have been declared Tsunami safe-zones; Joseph and Justin, who are so attractive they each have an event horizon; and Jerry and April, whose very names probably inspired spontaneous orgasms in at least 10 percent of our listeners just now.

These twelve valorous and unblenching heroes earned eternal praise, unwavering appreciation and over-the-top compliments this week be giving us money.  Giving us money is a noble, selfless, laudable act; so if you’d like to test your nobility, selflessness and lauditute, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the home page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d love to help but you spent the family fortune pursuing the perfect robotic delouser, you can also help us with nothing but an internet connection.  It only takes a few minutes to leave us a glowing review on iTunes and the reward lasts a lifetime.  Also, don’t forget to follow us next time you’re on Twitter, subscribe to us next time you’re on YouTube, like us next time you’re on Facebook and call out our names next time you masturbate.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 25 – Partial Transcript

August 8, 2013 Leave a comment

by Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some segments cut for time purposes)

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by The Blasphem-Eats Cafe, purveyors of New York City’s finest atheist cuisine.

Our sinful selection of non-kosher, non-halaal, damnation delights has been hand-cursed by authentic clergy of all different faiths.  This week’s specials include infant back ribs served with a delicious Caesarian Salad.

Blasphem-Eats Cafe: Our food’s so good that unlike Jesus, you’ll come again.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Monkey Man:

This week’s filthy monkey man is Mechy from the “Autistic Jesus” Facebook page.  Thanks, bro!

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s August 8th, and Jesus probably faked it the first time he came.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from justifiably misanthropic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • Heath and Lucinda will be back for more Bible Learnin’

  • Special Guest Eli Bosnick will help us recap the Pentatuech

  • Professor Chris Altman will join us to teach me that it’s pronounced Pentateuch.

  • And there’ll be so much good shit we’ll need a fourth bullet point on the intro,

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

If a Christian told me that they were reading “The God Delusion”, I’d be impressed.  Even if they told me that there was no chance in hell that Dawkins was going to sway them and they were only reading it to see just how wrong he’d gotten it, I’d still admire the intellectual fortitude it takes to immerse oneself in something one intrinsically rejects.

So like the naive dipshit that I am, I assumed that Christians would react with the same appreciation when I told them I was reading the bible.  But when I’ve mentioned it to the religious folks I know, without exception they’ve responded with some variation on an eye-rolling, hand-waving, “Now-what-do-you-want-to-go-and-do-that-for?” castigation.  It’s like they’re insulted that I’m reading the book they keep telling me to read.

They tell me I’m “missing the point of Christianity by focusing on the Bible” or they tell me that “The bible is all about interpretation so there’s no point in a holistic reading” or they complain that I won’t take the time to truly understand each passage before writing some of them off as monstrous.  Or they invoke the magical biblical property where all the stuff they disagree with is allegory and the rest of it is literal.

But the message is always the same, whether they intend to send it or not.  What they’re telling me is “I don’t trust my holy book to stand on it’s own.”  Not one of them seems to think that the god is a talented enough muse to inspire me.  They’re basically admitting that the only possible way to believe in this thing is to decide you’re going to believe in it before you read it.

If a Christian read the God Delusion I wouldn’t care if he spent half the time doodling dicks in the margin.  Dawkins is an engaging author, he speaks clearly and he makes a convincing argument.  I’d assume that encountering such a potent case for atheism would establish a small thorn of doubt they’d have trouble setting aside.  I trust the text to make its point.

And this is a book by some British dude.  Not to downplay British dudes in general or Dawkins in particular, but the other guys have a book that they claim was written by god almighty for fucks sake.  I’m willing to trust Dawkins to do something they can’t reasonably expect from the omnipotent forger of the heavens?

And no fair pointing out that Dawkins won’t be relevant two thousand years from now.  He almost certainly won’t, but trying to create present day belief structures based on two thousand year old books wasn’t my idea.  I recognize that 2000 years from now Dawkins’ understanding of evolution and genetics will seem quaint and that the subjects he’s addressing will have little or no bearing on the modern world.  Because it’ll be two god-damn thousand years from now.  Everything we wrote will be, at best, interesting from a historical and literary perspective.  Even our morality will probably seem primitive.

Strangely enough, when I tell atheists that I’m reading the bible I get a big old pat on the back.  Part of it is a bit of “better-you-than-me” sympathy, but part of it is that genuine appreciation for intellectual integrity.  If I’m gonna spend so much time talking about this book, I should probably read it.  And while I certainly don’t think you have to read the whole thing to set aside the notion that it’s the inerrant word of god, if you intend to make dick jokes about Jesus on a weekly basis, you need to burrow deep into the literary asshole of Christianity and I don’t mind doing digging through those gargantuan dingleberries for the sake of, like I said, intellectual integrity.

But the Christians don’t share the atheist enthusiasm.  Perhaps they know that the bible is a moral guide like Caligula is a considerate host.  Perhaps they know that even as a work of pure literature it’s oversold.  Perhaps they know that it has the factual integrity of a Spongebob episode.  Perhaps they know that it’s just a ridiculous conglomeration of irrelevant myths from a barbaric cult.

But maybe I’m just being too quick to judge.  After all, how would a Christian know any of that shit?  It’s not like they read the thing.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow celestial teapot denier, Heath Enwright.  Heath, isn’t it nice to be unfettered by the burden of proof that comes with outrageous claims?

It’s nice, but it would be a lot nicer if outrageous claimers were aware when they’ve lost an argument.  Or even aware of the criteria by which one might decide the winner of an argument.        

Unsinkable rubber duckies, the lot of them.

In our lead story tonight, the pope said something that he definitely didn’t mean and probably didn’t say even though it’s on tape… again.

Wonderful Pope . . . Very free-spirited . . . We’re all very fond of him.  

In a well rehearsed “impromptu” press conference on the way back from Brazil, Pope Girlie-Name was fielding a question about the so-called “gay lobby” in the vatican and responded that (quote) “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”  A question his subordinates answered with the words, “The fucking pope.”

Bill Cosby’s gotta be following him around for his new show: “Popes Say the Damnedest Things”

I’m picturing geriatric wranglers just offstage with tranquilizer guns, in case he starts confirming a Dan Brown novel.    

Vatican mouthpieces were quick to ensure gay people that, while the Pope might not be judging them anymore, god still is and he’ll send their asses to hell for it.  Cardinal Timothy Dolan even went so far as to excuse the remarks by explaining that the Pope was “on a high” from his trip to Brazil, though he didn’t specify what the Pope was high on.

High on top of a dude…  

How many gays do you figure snuck into heaven before the Vatican officially recanted his accidentally tolerant proclamation?  

What’s really newsworthy about this is that once again Pope Tiny-Francer manages to get the whole media world talking about some major change that he hasn’t actually made.  There’s nothing substantive here.  He hasn’t welcomed gay priests into the fold.  He hasn’t shifted the Vatican’s stance on homosexuality.  He hasn’t endorsed gay marriage or instituted a weekly Vatican rainbow party or anything, and yet the internet is once again abuzz about what a game-changer this new Pope is.

Kind of like how Obama talked a big game, but a dozen old white people still have nearly all the wealth that exists in this country.  

What?!?  I voted for him twice, so I can say the N-word.  

Who is the Pope to judge gay people? http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/29/pope-francis-on-gays-who-am-i-to-judge/ (And the backlash “he didn’t mean it” stuff) http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/31/bishop-pope-was-on-a-high-during-gay-remarks/ & http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/07/31/catholic-leaders-the-pope-still-thinks-sexually-active-gay-people-are-going-to-hell/

And in “Gee, I wonder what he was changing the subject from” news tonight America’s largest archdiocese just released another batch of documents that detail the extent and horror of the child rape and torture pandemic that we’ve all grown numb too.

What exactly are all these documents.  Did the church accidentally let the authorities see their notebooks full of time-stamped rape logs?  Emails that say “I raped another kid.  Don’t tell anyone.”?  Why was the church keeping such a detailed account of their rape stats?  When could that be useful later?!?     

Well what the point in everybody raping kids if nobody knows who’s winning?

“Put it on the pile.”

“There’s a pile?!?  Why the fuck do we have a pile for this stuff?!?”

This latest batch of unrequited felonious horrors sheds new light on exactly how much the church officials knew and how early they knew it.  A dozen child-rapists are detailed in all, including two nuns.  One priest boasted 21 victims over a period of nearly forty years, but the gold medalist was one Ruben Martinez, whose victimized more than 100 children in his career despite the Vatican’s best efforts to pray the pedophelia out of him.

Martinez wasn’t the only one with a wet back I guess.  

I’m sure karma provided a well-endowed cell mate for him.    

It might have if he’d ever been punished.  Despite a number of settlements paid to his victims, Martinez, now 72, has never been prosecuted, never been punished and is still under the direct care of the Los Angeles Archdiocese.  In a 2005 psychiatric assessment Martinez even bragged that he hadn’t had sexual contact with a child in 23 years.

“I haven’t had sexual contact with a child since BLANK” . . .    

Only a priest could think there’s a good way to fill in that blank.

Newly released documents show 1 priest molested over 100 boys in LA Archdiocese: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/31/sex-abuse-church-revealed-secret-files-los-angeles_n_3684329.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And turning now to a pot smoking, gay atheist named Frank who isn’t running the Catholic Church, former Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank admitted last week that he was bullshitting about the believing in god thing and not smoking bong rips thing to get elected.

Just about every staunch theist I met in college did some faith questioning, and some bong hitting.  I was probably responsible for both in many cases, but I’m sure this was happening in most colleges, where the religious are bombarded with facts, and surrounded by superior fact checkers.  

And superior nugs.  Anyway, in an appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher, Frank flaunted the liberty he’d earned by getting out of congress right before the ship sunk when he admitted that he was a (quote) “pot-smoking atheist”.  No surprise that a politician needs to lie about this stuff for the sake of politics, but for those who don’t know the dude, it’s worth mentioning that Barney Frank is the most prominent openly gay politician in American history.  So before you start thinking we atheists have turned the corner keep in mind that the liberal gay democrat in Massachusetts still has to lie about two things: crimes and rationality.

Barney Frank is an arch nemesis for the religious right in politics.  Think about that… Atheists hate assholes like Rick Santorum for egregious acts of religion-inspired bigotry.  Bible-heads hate Barney Frank for enjoying cock, and also having the audacity not to endorse a book that says he’s an abomination who should be murdered.  And then sprinkle the pot on top, and they get really mad.   

As a consequence of this recent revelation, we at the Scathing Atheist would like to formally announce Barney Frank’s candidacy for the presidency in 2016 whether he likes it or not.

Barney Frank admits to being a godless pothead: http://www.examiner.com/article/liberated-barney-frank-admits-to-being-a-pot-smoking-atheist

And from the “Crazy People Flinging Verbal Feculence” file tonight President of the Texas Eagle Forum Cathie Adams took time off from arranging dental floss in symmetrical lines last week to warn us of the coming Sharia-Apocalypse that we’re ushering in with Immigration reform.

Really?!?  Muslim families aren’t exactly strutting right through the airport with ease in my experience.  If a Muslim watches Air Force One on NetFlix, they can be sent to Gitmo.  

They’re aren’t too many ways for this country to get MORE anti-Islam.  Maybe we should force everyone to eat a bacon strip at customs.  Bonus: Keeps out the Jews and vegans too.  

In a chain of logic that was bizarre even by the standards of Texas Republicans, Adams explained that immigration reform would open the floodgates to Islamic immigrants who, fleeing sharia law in their homelands, would work quickly to establish it in America, which will end in our foreheads being branded by demons and, of course, the End Times.

True patriots realize we’ll need to preempt this Islamic theocracy with a Christian theocracy.    

Appearing on a radio program that declares itself the only newscast reporting the countdown to the second coming of Christ, Adams explained her tortured logic in a way that would make Glenn Beck blush.  And before we dismiss her as some impotent wackaloon I should note that this fruit-loop briefly served as the chair of the Texas Republican Party so she’s damn potent for a wackaloon.

Crazy Person: Immigration Reform Bill is harbinger of the end times: http://tfninsider.org/2013/08/04/texas-eagle-forum-president-immigration-reform-will-bring-the-end-times/

And in the “They-Wouldn’t-Joke-About-AIDS-Now-Would-They?” file tonight we have the American Family Association of Kentucky circulating a petition that links the 1962 Supreme Court ban on mandatory school prayer with falling SAT scores, rising teen pregnancy rates and, you guessed it, AIDS.

I’m surprised they didn’t mention that when the mandatory prayers went away, that’s when kids first started choosing to be gay, so that’s where the AIDS came from.  Might as well blame the increases in teen pregnancy on the gays too.   

Factual Counter Point: It was actually us atheists legalizing righteous fetus murder in 1972 that led to the lowered crime rates in the early 1990’s.

Yeah, somehow they missed that one.  Instead, they point out that after prayer was removed from our schools violent crime rates went up and then back down and then eventually way lower than they were before, but at first they went up, but not right away or anything.  If that’s not conclusive enough, they point out that during the years immediately after that, also known as the 60s, the instances of STDs went up considerably.  During the 60s.  Because of school prayer and not increased amounts of fucking.  And as if those two rock-solid coincidences aren’t enough, they point out that SAT scores dropped for 18 consecutive years.  And then, you know, went back up.  And then went back down again and kind of leveled off and then went up again.

Are they aware that the SAT isn’t graded by the magically objective pre-cogs from Minority Report?  Also they stopped asking  the same questions every year.  And it’s graded on a bell curve, so the testing service decides whether the average score goes up or down each year.  Were they trying to say our national average score dropped relative to other SAT-taking, fundamentalist Christian theocracies, that have – unlike the United States –  continued to brainwash students with mandatory school prayer since 1962?  Also absurd, but less so.

You’re making this way too complicated.  No prayer equals angry god equals dumb people on drugs with AIDS.  Think about it: Drugs didn’t exist before 1962 and immediately after three years before that you’ve got the first known case of HIV.  And of course, based on these evidence-like-assertions, they conclude that the only solution to drugs and AIDS is to start mandating prayers in schools once again.

I know it sometimes looks like the cart is gonna keel over trying to push that huge horse . . .  

But there are actual statistics on this, from real scientific studies, with authentic isolated variables, and genuine correction for covariance.  As you might have guessed, brains that prefer creationism to science, are also quantitatively worse at problem solving and other smartness metrics.

Yes, well perhaps that’s why critics of this petition can’t make any headway..

Failing to pray in school causes AIDS: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/30/kentucky-school-prayer-petition_n_3676932.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, from the bullshit archeology file, the four-trillionth piece of Jesus’s cross was uncovered in Turkey last week.  And I think we can all agree that a reputable news source like the Huffington Post would never report something like this if it was absolutely dripping with credulous camel crap.

Christians are acknowledging the existence of archeological evidence?  That’s quite a slippery slope, if they start allowing data from the “-ologies” into the argument.   

Lead researcher and person with no fewer than 4 diacritical marks in her name Gulgun Koroglu said that they found a chest and there was holy stuff in it and some of the stuff was wood so there you go.  And if you can’t trust a woman with three umlauts and a breve in her name, who can you trust?

I’m skeptical . . . Jewish wood in a Turkish box . . . It’s fishy . . . Doesn’t pass the smell test.                     

The fact that the church they were excavating was built more than six centuries after the crucifixion and that seventh century priests were not known for authenticating relics through carbon-dating might leave a person with fewer umlauts in doubt, but the researchers and the hack author who brought us the story have no time for things like skepticism and common sense.  The article actually ends with the claim that this discovery (quote) “provides further evidence of the historical Jesus”.  Yes, much in the same way that my old underoos provide evidence for the historical Aquaman.

How can they be sure this wasn’t wood from Gandalf’s staff or Santa’s sleigh?  Neither of them spent time in seventh century Turkey either.

Four trillionth piece of Jesus cross “found” in Turkey: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/jesus-cross-found-archaeology_n_3691938.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

That does it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Pleasure as always.

And when we come back we’ll continue to not accept Christ as our Lord and Savior.

Skit:

Are you always preparing for raptures that keep falling through?

Are you constantly losing arguments to atheists?

How confident are you that you born into the right iteration of the right denomination of the right faction of the right religion?

All good Christians go to heaven, right?  Of course they do, as long as Christian Real God is in charge.  But what if Allah is in charge?  What if . . . Jew God is in charge?  What if there’s a bunch of gods all struggling for power and Christian god isn’t winning right now?

Any sophisticated investor in the afterlife, needs to consider these other-godly risks when building their eternal bliss strategy.  Most religions tell you not to pray to other gods, so hardly anyone is covering all their bases.  Here at Pascal’s Wager Afterlife Hedge Fund, we take care of all that for you.  We build a diversified portfolio of prayer on your behalf, to a wide variety of possible deities.  Our skillful pseudo-scientists are constantly monitoring the market, checking on what we believe to be real-time evidence, predicting which gods are most likely to be the ones that count.

But don’t take our word for it.  Listen to what some of our clients are saying:

As a Baptist, I’d never confessed my sins before.  Didn’t figger I needed to.

But as my agent explained, if you follow Pascal’s Wager to it’s logical conclusion, what have I got to lose?  Nowadays I confess, take communion, study the Torah, bow to Mecca and behead the occasional chicken.  And you know what?  I sleep easier because of it.

I used to think that accepting Jesus as my personal savior was enough to guarantee me a spot in eternal glory.  Boy was I a naive, stupid, gullible, small-minded, idiotic, foolish, misguided, doltish, obtuse, credulous, puerile, ill-advised simpleton back then.

Like any good hedge fund, our agents work hard to identify the exploitable loopholes in this dangerously deregulated sector.  Speaking of which . . . Non-Jews, call in the next 10 minutes and you’ll get one free loophole for gentiles hoping to appease Jew God, in the extremely unlikely event that he exists.

Sure, the idea of a monotheistic deity other than Christian Real God is preposterous.  But that’s what our form of insurance is for.  It’s for protecting you, in case of the preposterous.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  You could go to hell and suffer eternal damnation.

Pascal’s Wager Afterlife Hedge Fund: Believe in one god . . . Pander to all of them

Babble:

There aren’t a lot of books out there that inspire a person to break out the party hats just for getting 19% of the way through them.  But if you make it a fifth of the way through the bible you deserve a hell of alot more than a hug and a cookie.

So joining Heath and me to celebrate this milestone are my lovely wife Lucinda.

Hello.

And also joining us as a special guest Scatheist this week is my good friend Eli Bosnick, Eli, welcome back to the show.

Now last time we heard from you, you were running for Pope.  How did that work out for you?

I didn’t get it.  Lost it to an old white guy… never saw it coming.

Damn racists.

Now you’ve actually read this whole damn book before, but you actually reread the Pentateuch for the purposes of this appearance and I’ve gotta commend you for that.  I mean, reading this shit is bad enough but going back to it when you already know how bad it is?  That’s a whole other level of masochism right there.

Alright, so the good news is that we’ve already read 5 of the 12 longest books in this thing and 4 of the 8 longest.  The bad news is that’s still a small fraction and there’s a lot more of this shit to come.  But before we dig into all of that, we figured we’d take a little time to highlight some of our favorite and least favorite moments from the Torah.

There are approximately eight billion characters in the first five books of the bible, so I might be asking a lot of you guys to narrow it down to just one, but who earns the honor as your favorite cast member so far?

  • I really enjoyed Moses’ imaginary friend during all the wandering . . . Kind of like Gazoo from the Flintstones . . . The “God” guy.  Apparently he didn’t have much to do with Moses’ plot of creation, but he was a good side character.

  • Balaam’s Donkey – I just couldn’t help but hear Eddie Murphy’s voice when I read it.  Plus, he was the only talking animal that didn’t condemn humanity for all time.

  • Guys I gotta go with the snake. I mean. We are the snake. The snake also makes no invalid points which i always like.

  • How could it not be Jacob?  This guy is a complete bastard.  He buys his brothers birthright with some broth, he tricks his dad with some decomposing bear skin, he pre-marries his wife’s sister and then he kicks god’s ass in a wrestling match.  What’s not to like?

As anybody whose been following along knows, the bible is chocked full of horrible shit, but can you guys tell me which of the macabre proclamations constitutes the worst verse in the Torah?

  • I’m gonna go way out there and say Numbers 12:14- “If her father spit in her face, would she not be shamed for seven days?”

    • For like six days after that you were wandering around the house muttering that line over and over.

    • There was worse shit in there, don’t get me wrong, but god is justifying turning this chick into a leper because her husband was an asshole and he says it’s okay because her dad has the divine right to shame her with a loogie whenever the fuck he feels like it. “ If her father spit in her face…..” ( muttering fade out )

  • I’m going way back to Genesis 38:10: “But what [Onan] did was displeasing in the sight of the lord, so he took his life also.”  And what did Onan do to incur God’s wrath?  He refused to fuck his brother’s wife.  Or actually, he did fuck her, but he refused to come in her.  And so god killed him.  And why was Onan obligated to fuck his brother’s wife?  Because god had already killed his brother.

  • Gotta be Genesis 22:2 from the New American Bible.  This is God deceiving Abraham, setting up a fucked-up loyalty test: “Then God said: Take your son Isaac, your only one, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah. There you shall offer him up as a holocaust on a height that I will point out to you.”  Sacrificing your son because the voices told you is insane regardless, but only the Catholics would make it worse by keeping the word “holocaust” in their translation, when EVERYONE else says “burnt offering”.  They’ve had about seventy years to to make a simple diplomatic edit.  I think everyone can find a way to get by, without using words like niggardly and lowercase holocaust anymore.

  • Guys. You are so wrong. Deuteronomy 22:13-21 if a woman be not a virgin on her wedding night stone her to death on her father’s doorstep.

    • You know what, yeah, I’m switching my vote.  A verse is automatically worse if the barbaric shit it’s talking about is actually still happening in the modern world.

    • Plus, why her father’s doorstep?  Isn’t it just as much the husband’s fault for marrying that slut?  Why should her dad have to clean up the mess?

And in a related category, I asked everybody to come up with the “Most Immoral Aspect” of the first five books…

  • I mean, there’s a part in this book where god kills every breathing thing on the planet, so it’s hard to look at any other part and say “well killing all breathing life is bad, but it also endorses slavery.”  So I kind of have to go Great Flood on this one.

  • Basically every part where a person with a vagina showed up, but if I have to pin it down I’d say Exodus 21:7 where they spell out the proper rules for selling your daughter as a slave-whore.

  • I’m going with garden of eden. Of all the horrible mythical torture porn in the bible there is nothing quite so evil as equating truth and sin. Its the begging of the bible for a reason. The rotten foundation.

  • According to chapter 22 of Deuteronomy, you’re allowed to rape women, as long as you pay their dad 50 shekels of silver each time, and marry them.  Apparently lots of rape victims find that marrying their rapist is the best way to punish them.  

Okay, so god spent a lot of time waving his dick, telling people to obey him and what bugs they can and can’t eat, but what would you guys say was the number one commandment that got missed?

  • Rule Number Zero and Rule Number Eleven: “Don’t get carried away with this book of allegories.”

  • Thou shall not accept handjobs. If she’s not going to use her mouth than forget it.

  • I know there’s more important shit, but I’m going with “Don’t stop and look around at the top of the fucking escalator.”

  • In my opinion, Thou shalt think for thyself should be at the top of the list.

And it’s hard to make the argument that he didn’t have room for all that stuff since he wasted a lot of our time on some pretty petty pronouncements.  So what’s your nomination for the most Superfluous Divine Dictate?

  • exodus 22:18. thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. That’s right. The all knowing god makes sure to punish imaginary crimes. Or maybe he just hadn’t heard witches are real.

  • I’m not judging it one way or the other, but we’d probably still be murdering plenty of gays in this country, with or without Leviticus 20:13  

  • In Leviticus 11:20 God says it’s not okay to eat four legged birds.  He also makes it clear in Leviticus 11:23 that you shouldn’t eat four-legged insects.  So I’m nominating the “don’t eat mutants” proclamation as the one we most could have skipped.

  • Deuteronomy 25: 11-12 … This is the part about us wives not grabbing another dude’s junk while they fight with our husband.  You really think we’d go right for the diversionary handjob God?  By using any other tactic we get to keep both our hands… eye gouging comes to mind….

And since reading five books qualifies you as the biblical expert in most groups of Christians, what part or aspect of this thing do you think would most freak out the average Christian?

  • More than half of their Christian faith owner’s manual … Written by a Jew.  That’s right.    

  • I’m tempted to go with Moses going ape shit over the jews leaving a few cows and infants alive in Media.  I’m tempted to go with the magical dirty water uterus expunging fidelity spell from chapter 5 of Numbers.  But I’m gonna lean on my interactions with a lot of Christians and I’m gonna say they’d be damn surprised by how many times god tells them to lay off the fucking immigrants.

  • Based on the first 5 books, they’d probably be freaked out to know that they are all going to hell. I mean if we seriously consider the rules this book sets forth, not killing one’s daughter for being raped and not screaming loud enough would do it. Not to mention all that other crazy shit in there that anyone in their right mind would never do.

  • Its not in the bible but I think the scientific fact that ALL of exodus just didn’t fucking happen is pretty important.

Alright, so imagine that you’re on the editing board for the Torah.  You’ve just read through the most recent draft and you’re allowed to give the author one rewrite note.  What would it be?

  • So the main character is not very likable. He’s like holden caufield….but worse. We want to like this guy. He created the universe…and puppies. lets see more of THAT guy and less of the “lets get into the specifics of genocide

  • I guess my top rewrite note, based purely on the Pentateuch, would be: “Rewrite the first five books.”  And if I’m giving a more specific example, while these so-called prophets are all discussing geography, maybe a little mention about future places to avoid.  I think plently of readers would have happily steered clear of Italy, Japan, Germany, and red states.

    • Not to mention Jersey.

  • I don’t give a shit who anybody’s great-great grandfather is.  Seriously.

  • How about not being such a cunt to the ladies. I don’t know, maybe refer to us as actual living, breathing human beings or something, that’d be nice.

And finally, if you could ask god one question after reading the Pentateuch, what would it be?

  • What’s your name again?  I forgot . . . it wasn’t repeated in the last verse of Deuteronomy.  Was it Allah-something?  

    • Right.  And what’s this “I am that I am” shit?  Are you God or Popeye?

    • Also, “Can I speak to your manager?”  Asshole’s gotta have a boss in that infinite regression somewhere.  

  • You made Shakespeare.  We know you made Shakespeare.  And yet you have your book written by a Bronze age stuttering James Patterson with ahlzeimers.  What the fuck?

  • Since you STOLE my Shakespeare thing…before i thought of it no less…that’s the worst. Why make it so hard to believe in you? Why encode perfect morality (which not only you possess but embody if we’re asking Doctor Craig) into weird allegories. Why not a pamphlet with just one really great piece of advice on it? Why the most boring horrid genealogical study…ever

  • I have to ask, Do you have mommy issues?

What a perfect question to end on.  Heath, Lucinda, Eli, thanks for joining me.

And if you’re playing along at home, you’ve got three weeks to trudge through Joshua before we dive in once again.

Outro:

Before we snuff the roach tonight, I wanted to thank way more people than I can possibly thank in a single show, let alone a tacked on segment on the end here.  Thanks to the generous help of Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance our audience has more than tripled in the last week and I want to thank everyone who has shared the show, rated us on iTunes, sent an appreciative email, liked us on Facebook and told their friends about us.  We are flattered and humbled every day by the response the show gets and we’re hard at work to keep earning your listenership every week.

Of course, I’ve gotta thank Heath for going above and beyond over and over again, I need to thank Lucinda for joining us tonight, Eli for swinging by and lending us his wit and his wisdom and, of course, I need to thank Professor Chris Altman for being so generous with his time.  Incidentally, if you enjoyed the interview with him, be sure to check out the extended version.  I had to cut a bunch of really good information out to fit it into this week’s show but the whole unadulterated interview is available for free on the Extras Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

But of course, above all else, I need to thank this week’s best people and holy shit was the world chocked full of awesome people this week.  For example, Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard who proved themselves this week by giving us money.  Only people who share the epicurean philanthropy of Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you share Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard’s discerning benevolence, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

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If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.