Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Heath Enwright’

Episode 76 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the final episode due to time constraints.

LINK TO EPISODE

LINK TO BUY THE BOOK

SUPPORT US ON PATREON

If you’d like to volunteer your artistic skills to Peter Boghossian’s app, email brian@bwalsh.com

If you’d like to check out AtheismTV online for free, click here.

LINK TO ATHEIST IN THE TRAILER PARK PODCAST

(For additional links, please reference the appropriate portion of the transcript, or check the Shownotes tab above)

 

Warning: When it comes to profanity, we don’t fuck around.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Brain-O, the new home-chemical lobotomy system for Christians who are too smart for their own good?

Did some damn atheist point out one of the numerous logical contradictions in your doctrine?  Did you suddenly realize that many of the traditional attributes of god are mutually exclusive?  Did you make the mistake of actually reading the bible and now you can’t get the horror of it all out of your head?  Well then try clearing your neuronal pathways with Brain-O.

Brain-O: Just like logical refutations of faith, it goes in one ear and out the other.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s July 31st,

And FOX channel’s famous doctor is named after a wizard imposter.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from a city so fast-paced it has it’s own minute, New York, New York,

And one so slow-paced it has it’s own century, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Two more brisses go viral on the Jew tubes,
  • The FFRF will use its one initial advantage to defeat the IRS,
  • And Michele Bachman and Sarah Palin are never in the same room, are they? …

But first, the Diatribe…

 

Diatribe

I’m still kind of pissed at the world for not giving me super powers.  Can’t fly… can’t summon fireballs, no telepathy, no invisibility.  I mean, what the hell?  I’d mostly use them for the forces of good.  I’d fight crime… like especially parking violations and failure to yield.  But no.  No super powers.

Reality sucks.  I want magic.

But not enough to pretend it exists when I know it doesn’t.  And that’s the real difference between us and them, isn’t it?  We all want eternal life in paradise and the ability to summon magical forces to come to our aid in times of distress.  None of us actually have that shit, but we all want it.  And some of us want it so bad that we’re willing to do anything to protect the illusion that it’s really there.

I’ve seen this up close and personal.  When I was a younger man I was into all the spiritual witchcrafty tarot card nonsense and it amazed me how far people were willing to go to pretend they’d just witnessed something magical.  I went to these gatherings, right?  Couple dozen Wiccans all joining together in a rite to summon some thing or something.  And invariably nothing would happen.  And just as invariably, everybody would spend the rest of the night talking about what happened.

Now, we all knew nothing happened.  We all just witnessed nothing happening.  But for some reason, we would say stuff like, “I could really feel its presence,” or “I don’t know about you guys, but I really saw those pentagrams vividly.”  Now, you can tell by the way it’s phrased that the dude saying it didn’t see shit.  Right?  Because if you actually saw something, you’d just say, “Remember when those magical pentagrams materialized in the air?  That was pretty sweet.”  You wouldn’t preempt it by saying, “I understand entirely if I was the only one who witnessed the thing that happened, since, you know, when everyone is looking at something sometimes only one person sees the thing, right?  That makes sense, right?  But I saw the thing that I’m not surprised if you didn’t see.”

Same thing with Tarot readings.  I would make some vague predictions and some high-probability guesses.  I would utter a few deepities and say stuff that everybody wants to believe about themselves and the whole time I knew I was just making shit up, and I figured it was pretty damn transparent.  But people were always willing to bend over backwards to pretend they’d just witnessed something divine; something unexplainable; something that offers some vestige of hope that they themselves can still one day have super powers.

If you waste a piece of your life reading any of the neopagan books on magic and spiritualism, you’ll see the cognitive gymnastics right away.  They’ll start by redefining magic down to the point where scratching your taint is an act of wizardry and then they’ll teach you how to scratch your taint.  It’s amazing the kind of metrics these books offer.  For some strange reason, every possible way to measure the success of your “magick” (and I spelled that with a K so it’s less bullshity now) are internal.  They’re all things that you can’t measure objectively.  “You’ll feel calmer,” or “You may feel a strange presence or the feeling that you’re being watched.”  And it gets worse.  “You’ll have greater luck,” or “You’ll avoid a calamity the next day,” or, and I swear this is real, “The world will be more peaceful.”

But just in case even these fluffy excuses for measurement are too specific, they also like to spend a lot of time pre-excusing your failures.  You might have done it in the wrong phase of the moon.  Perhaps there were some negative spiritual energies you hadn’t exorcised properly.  Perhaps your personal chi flow was interrupted or your chakras were misaligned.  So your unmeasurable success is also dependent on unmeasurable variables.  That’s convenient.

Funny how this shit doesn’t happen with science.  Funny how you never bring your phone in and the dude asks if your chakras were aligned last time you used it.  The thing with the baking soda and the vinegar works in any lunar phase, negative spiritual entities be damned.  Because science is real.  And it’s actually happening.

Now, at the beginning of this whole thing, I lamented that I couldn’t fly or summon fireballs or communicate telepathically or turn invisible, but in truth science has already knocked out the first two, smart phones have alleviated the need for the third, and believe me, they’re working on that last one.  And when you get in an airplane or turn on your cellphone, you don’t have to “truly believe” that it’ll work.  You don’t have to utter a quick banishment or cast a circle of salt around it.  Because it’s real and it really works.

And you don’t have to be brilliant to see that the things that are real are fundamentally different than the things that aren’t.  I think we all more or less recognize the difference between magic and reality, it’s just that some of us don’t seem to care.  Some of us think it’s perfectly okay to believe things that are absurdly wrong if we feel like it’s a good thing to believe.  That’s the axiomatic difference between atheists and believers.  Between rationalists and spiritualists.

I recently had a believer sum it up like this.  She said, “If I thought I had a fatal disease and it prompted me to set things right in my life and cross a bunch of stuff off my bucket list, and then it turns out that I didn’t have that disease, ultimately I would have benefited from believing something was wrong.”

Seems like a strange example to use, in my mind.  I mean, sure, you forgive and kiss your mom and go to Paris and go skydiving; that’s exactly what would happen in a novel with two white people almost kissing each other on the cover, but I’m not sure it would really play out like that.  I mean, all the joys of mistakenly thinking you’re going to die may have been exaggerated.

But even if she’d chosen a better example, it wouldn’t change the fact that you’re always better off in the long run knowing the truth.  Sure, it might be comforting for a while not to know your dog’s dead, but eventually you’re gonna start thinking about what a couple of dicks your parents are for sending your favorite dog to live on some farm without asking you first.  And what the hell, can’t we at least go visit him?  We go upstate sometimes.

But some people would rather lie to each other, lie to their children, and lie to themselves to protect this useless illusion that somehow we can bypass all the aerodynamics and stuff and just go all Superman.  And they don’t seem to recognize that if everyone actually believed that we’d never have bothered to build an airplane.  In other words, if you pretend your problems are solved, you’ve got no motivation to solve them.

And quite frankly, none of us should have to defend the proposition that believing true stuff matters.

 

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is your sherpa up mount improbable, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to sherp?

Sure.  All the upscale podcasts have personal sherping.

In our lead story tonight, American Atheist launched the Virgo Supercluster’s first ever all-atheism TV network on Tuesday, offering countless hours of archived programming including the Richard Dawkins Foundation’s entire video library as well as the more than fifty years of historical atheist videos in American Atheist’s vault.

Not sure if America is ready for reality shows with reality, but I’m glad they’re trying.

The network is available through Roku, a digital streaming service that’s kind of like cable except it generally works and the contract you enter into with them doesn’t give them the right to face rape your first born child.  The channel offers the choice of on-demand or scheduled programming, including atheist speeches, stand-up comedy, documentaries, and science programming.

If they included the Patton Oswalt “Sky Cake” bit, I’d call the channel a success … Now normally my googling suggestions are much … pussy-er … more fluids … but this one is worthy nonetheless.  Everyone google “Patton Oswalt Sky Cake” and watch the video.  Hilarious!!!  Or just get Roku and hopefully you can watch him on secular TV!!!

If you don’t have Roku, you can still check out the live-stream online.  You’ll find the link to that site on the shownotes for this episode.  And incidentally, if anybody from American Atheists is listening and they’re looking for somebody to anchor their eleven o’clock risque atheist news-satire comedy program, I know just the guy.

Stanhope?

Actually, now that you mention it, yeah.

American Atheist launches “Atheist TV” http://atheists.org/atheisttv

And from the “If they’re gonna keep blowing infants and giving them herpes, then we’re gonna keep mentioning it” file … mohels keep blowing infants and giving them herpes.  Last week, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene – no doubt working closely with the SVU team – discovered two new cases of newborns getting herpes from the normally trustworthy dude, who goes around town mutilating baby dick for money.

You know, I’m sick and tired of a couple of bad baby-cocksuckers ruining the otherwise sterling reputation of the industry.  What do people want?  If you’re gonna mutilate a baby’s dick the least you could give him is a happy ending.

In case you’ve missed our coverage of this exact same problem happening before … And yes, that means babies getting herpes in the past, did not lead to any behavior changes … Here’s a little context for you.  It’s standard practice in certain Jewish communities to welcome newborn boys into the world by cutting off a piece of their penis with a knife, at which point the mutilation specialist briefly fellates the baby – just the tip – sucking blood from the open wound.

But they aren’t pervs about it… they spit.

Doesn’t this seem like the type of situation where a baby’s right to his entire penis, and his right to choose a less slutty dude to blow him … Or no dudes at all??? … Don’t those basic human rights seem to outweigh the free exercise rights of herpes-enabling parents???  Somehow the answer in ‘No’.  Unfortunately for babies dying of brain damage, Ultra-orthodox Jewish people have been corporations since long before Citizens United and Hobby Lobby.

And I think it’s important to stress that the “dying of brain damage” thing isn’t just an offensive joke about the mental faculties of Orthodox Jews; that’s actually a common result of this.  There have been 16 reported cases of Rabbis giving babies herpes by sucking their bloody cocks in the last 14 years.  Two of them resulted in death and two more in severe brain damage.  And in case you’re curious, no, nobody believes for a second that the 16 reported cases represent even a majority of the actual incidents.

Can’t help but picture a mohel’s wife getting pissed at him … She finds a mysterious wad of cash in his laundry … “You bastard!!!  Where’s all this from?!? … How many BABY DICKS did have to suck to get all this cash?!?” … Throws a handful of shekels in his face.

I’m 37!?”

But not in a row …

Two more brisses go viral: https://www.vocativ.com/culture/health-culture/herpes-bris-new-york

And from the “If they didn’t have their dicks in your ass, they’d be the External Revenue Service” file tonight, the IRS has reached an agreement with the FFRF by which the FFRF will drop their pending lawsuit and the IRS will maybe start doing it’s job but not definitely.  We hope this agreement puts a capstone on a story we’ve been covering since episode 17 of this show, known as Pulpit Freedom Sunday, in which pastors and preachers knowingly and blatantly break the law, videotape themselves doing it, send those videos to the IRS and dare them to do something about it.

Yeah, and as much as you’d think this means they get served with an audit, I guess there’s nothing the IRS can do but dance back, and send them the response video.

The law, of course, forbids a tax-free institution from publicly endorsing political candidates and telling their members how to vote.  Religious leaders have ignored this provision for decades, and the IRS was happy to oblige their ignorance until the FFRF reminded them that the non-religious people were looking.  After a failed attempt to get the lawsuit thrown out and an equally failed attempt to convince themselves they could win it, they eventually settled the suit by agreeing to do the job they exist to do.

But they’re not even doing that!!!  They’re agreeing to maybe in the future finally abide by a 2009 ruling (based on a 1954 ruling) that said the IRS needs to have someone on staff to monitor illegal political actions by tax-exempt charities.  But why the fuck is this person even necessary?!?  Just use your regular staff, and TAX THEM!!!  No more laws being broken, and preachers can keep endorsing whatever Tea-Bagging theocrat they want.

It’s worth noting that the agreement can’t be acted upon immediately because there’s a federal moratorium on IRS audits of 501(3)c organizations at the moment due to the ongoing Republican attempt to prove that Obama is a gay, Kenyan, Muslim, revolutionary, communist felon.  This means that we won’t actually know if the IRS is going to abide by the agreement for some time, but we’ll be keeping an eye on the story and hopefully the next chapter will include a bunch of audited churches and uniformed rants about the first amendment.

IRS agrees to maybe do it’s job: http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/constitution/item/18793-irs-agrees-to-atheist-group-s-demands-to-monitor-sermons

And in “Why do all these shiny gay kettles look like me?” news, Congressional Republican Michele Bachmann – during a recent appearance on conservative Christian radio show, Faith and Liberty – warned that homosexuals are pursuing legislation to legalize pedophilia and polygamy.  Obviously, expanding this exemption to gays would pose a serious threat to the near-monopolies currently held by Catholics and Mormons respectively … And that’s a big problem for Bachmann and her constituency.

Yeah, this push for the right to enter into a legally recognized monogamous relationship is such a transparent ploy to have ever more sexual partners.  It’s a good thing Michele is there to see through the bullshit for us.

So like a pitcher noticing a perfect game in the 3rd inning – except the exact opposite – Bachmann did her best to keep the precisely wrong streak rolling … by expressing fear of another legislative lobbying move by the gays … This time, to break into the “protected hate speech” and “tyranny” markets.  Once again, Christian monopoly territory … toes … stepping.

“Afore you know it, them fudge-packing fagots will be insulting us!”

Then she addressed the marriage issue … (quote) “For all of the thousands of years of recorded human history, about 5,000 years, there is no instance of any culture, nation or tribe ever having as the established standard for marriage anything other than between man and woman. It may have been multiple women and a man, it may have been something like that, but it was always between men and women.” (end quote) … I can’t- … even … You wanna take this one???

If she was serious about this traditionalism she should have died during childbirth.  “Throughout the whole 6000 year history of our universe, people have died from cholera!  How dare you not die from cholera now!”

Ok – ninth inning … Does she have one more?  Indeed.  She didn’t forget to add that legalized gay marriage is (quote) “denial of equal protection to all Americans” (end quote) … Denial of equal protection … So the repeal of DOMA ruined the word “marriage” for straight couples, similar to the way the 13th Amendment ruined the word “people” for whites.

And in private, I’m sure she’d agree.

Michele Bachmann: Atheist gay liberals to abolish churches and monopolize pedophilia: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/michele-bachmann-gays-want-let-adults-freely-prey-little-children-sexually

And from the “No, Seriously, shit on my bible” file tonight, the scientarians over at “Forever Bible” are claiming that they’ve finally made the bible as hard to destroy as it is to read.  They promise a “nearly indestructible” bible and boast that now the bible can resist stains, rips, water and fraying as well as it resists scientific advancement and logical extrapolation.

It’s about fucking time they made a two-ply version.  I’m chafing like an idiot over here.

The impossible to distinguish from a parody Kickstarter video associated with the book shows a series of young, active bible readers camping, hiking and literally surfing while reading their bibles.  This precedes my favorite shot, which is a bible being horribly desecrated with mud, ice cream, sprinkles and an enigmatic seashell before being lovingly hosed off.  And while I’ll admit the easy clean pages probably help in Song of Solomon, I’m not sure how important they are the rest of the time.

At the very least, it lightens up the loads for the guy who cleans the confessionals.  Quick, easy mop up.

Despite the fact that the Kickstarter campaign has yet to reach its goal for R&D, the finished product they hope to eventually invent is miraculously already for sale on their website.  Equally miraculous is the claim that the bible is at once completely non-degradable and environmentally friendly.  Because sure. future generations will be finding our plastics until the sun goes out, but at least when they examine the plastic it won’t endorse slavery.

Kickstarter campaign for “indestructible bible” actually making money: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/23/kickstarter-backed-indestructible-bible-uses-space-age-nanotechnology/

And in “Mathematics has an atheist bias” news, a recent article on conservative site Campus Reform reported angrily that a core class at Ohio State University teaches that Christians are dumber than atheists … which is only really true if you say it more tactfully.  And, nobody at OSU even said that anyway.

Well, not as part of a class, anyway.  I’m sure it’s been uttered by many a biology professor over the years.

But if someone did want to say “Christians are dumber than atheists” … here’s how they would support that claim with evidence … Recent studies (and common sense) show a positive correlation between lack of religiosity and higher IQ.  So less god, more IQ.  Statistical fact …

But if hearing that bothers you as a Christian, that’s totally understandable … Because you’re likely less intelligent, and therefore confused by numerical principles.

Right.  What do you expect when you have a group of people who can’t quite pin down the concepts of “three” and “one?”

So the non-controversy centers specifically, around the following badly-written homework question from a psychology class: (quote) “Theo has an IQ of 100 and Aine has an IQ of 125. Which of the following statements [would] you expect to be true?”

A)  Aine is an atheist, while Theo is a Christian.

B)  Aine earns less money than Theo.

C)  Theo is more liberal than Aine.

D)  Theo is an atheist, while Aine is a Christian.

Can I answer (E) Theo misspells shit and uses the improper form of “your” when he bitches at people on Facebook?  Or is that just a restatement of A?

So given existing data mentioned earlier, choice A) is the only reasonable assumption based on the very small amount of information you have about the two people.  So yes, the question is a terribly constructed way to engage an extremely simple statistical concept.  But regardless, a reasonable gambler would always bet on A).  And that was the point of the question.

C’mon, they gave the Christian three digits and that’s already pretty generous.

According to an anonymous student in the class … let’s call her Alice … According to Alice: (quote) “I understand that colleges have a liberal spin on things so it didn’t surprise me to see the question […] But how can you really measure which religion has a higher IQ?” … (Probably IQ tests) … So based on what Alice just said, and the studies mentioned earlier … Is she more likely to be: A) a highly intelligent atheist … or B) a slow-witted creationist???  Or even simpler … same question, based on nothing but the choices.

Atheists are smarter than religious people, but it’s not a nice thing to say: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/24/no-an-ohio-state-class-did-not-teach-that-christians-are-dumber-than-atheists

And in “Pin Your Flatulence on the Demon” news tonight, founder of the Holy Fire Ministries and prolific consumer of Vaseline Bert Farias has finally cracked the age-old scientific question of what the demons that possess gay people to make them want to fuck the wrong gender smell like.  And it turns out, it’s (quote) “bad” (end quote)  In fact, gayness demons smell so bad that (and I swear this is a quote) “other demons don’t even like to hang around them.”

Well this is news!  Most gay people think they’re possessed by potpourri and lilac demons … So this should turn some heads … “Demons are like mustaches … You can tell the gay ones by the smell.”

So how does Farias know what sodomy demons smell like?  Well, as if his claimed source of a (quote) “genuine prophet of god” (end quote) wasn’t enough, he also offered additional evidence in the form of an unrelated excerpt from a third hand account of an Iron Age jewish fable.  Particularly, the part in Mark where Jesus casts 2000 demons out of some dude and sends them into a bunch of pigs.  And apparently the pigs didn’t want the demons in them so they drown themselves in the sea.  And from this, Farias has made the logical extrapolation that, considering how much pigs hate smelly things like garbage, feces and themselves, it must have been the rancid stench of the demons that drove the pigs to mass suicide.

Pastor: Gay people are possessed by fart-demons: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/gays-are-possessed-putrid-smelling-demons-even-pigs-wont-tolerate

And finally tonight, from the “Top of the Republican Agenda” file, GOP candidate for the Colorado House Gordon Klingenschmitt announced on his televangelism show last week that post-op trannies should still have to use their pre-op public restroom … And if elected as a representative for District 15, he promises to fix this broken system.

When all I need to do to turn your name into the definition of a dingleberry is take away the M, avoid giving me shit-related headlines.  Easy rule to live by.  It’s probably in Leviticus somewhere.

So his logic goes something like this … In Deuteronomy 23, it says that men with severed penes cannot enter the assembly of the lord.  Or if it’s crushed … like by a boulder … still there, but all flat … That’s also a no-go.  Therefore, if I misinterpret “assembly of the lord” to mean “all churches and public restrooms ever”, I can make myself feel better about being a bigoted asshole by telling myself that God approves.

So… is he saying that transexuals should have to shit outside in little holes?  I mean… what’s he proposing here?

As ridiculous as the GOP platform – and Bible – might be, this sounds a little too specific to be just towing the party line for Jesus.  I’m guessing Klingenschmitt really had to go one day, and got stuck at one of those awkward “1-3-5” public urinal scenarios.  So he breaks the rules, and takes urinal 2, but it’s next to a chick with a bigger dick, and he freaks out, and gets stage fright midstream.  Been burning ever since …

He does have sort of a “I haven’t pissed without screaming since 1996” look to him.

Regardless of his asinine reasoning, let’s give him some Christian-friendly slogans to post on the door, so as to distinguish his godly shitter from the separate but equal ones he’s gonna build for gays, blacks, and mimes … So we’ll need about 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Taking a Shit” … GO!!!

I guess “Morning Mass” is the obvious one, huh?

“Spraying to the porcelain gods”

“The Second Going”

Passages from Numbers 2″

“Emptying the Tomb”

“The Turdin’ of Job”

I know this one is for pissing, but “Paving a Walkway for Jesus”

Follow the yellow slick road … What about: “Showing the brown kids the way to the glory bowl” … “Doing some squish-ionary work” … “Assuming the squish-ionary position”

“Banishing the Golgothan”

“Chopping Cords for the Idealogue Cabin”

Based on our previous reports about fecal matter in baptismals, how about “Preparing the Holy Water?”

“Sacrificing the Black Bishop”

“Recycling the body of Christ”… That’s a Scatholic joke.

“Exports from Pope Bran-delay Industries” … “Bowly Trinity” … “Splatican City” …

Alright.  The Catholic ones are just plopping right out… “Poop John Sprawl the Turd?”

“Delivering the Lord’s Prayer-rie Dog”

“Birthing More Creationists”

“Feeling the Pain of Jesus’s Corny Crown”

Nothing worse that a thorny brown.  “Baptizing a Snake”

Feel like the Jews are getting left out … Maybe a Kosher Pareve restroom? … “How is this shite different from all other shites?” … “This too shall Passover”

And let’s not forget those Muslims.  They have great senses of humor about their religion, so… “Shi’ite from where the Sunni don’t shine?”

“Christmas Mass on Jesus’s Bidet”

Jesus would so shit in the bidet.  But if it was Jesus it would be “Burning the other cheek.”

Nicely done! … And this one works for Muslims or Jews … “The Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game with No Pork”

Klingenschmitt says if you don’t go to church, you can’t use public restrooms: http://www.politicususa.com/2014/07/23/gordon-klingenschmitt-church-public-restroom.html

“There are well-heeled shitters everywhere___”

Alright.  Probably the first and last time we ever close headlines on a “Guys and Dolls” reference, but everything has to happen eventually.  Heath, thanks as always.

Pot luck eat a baby tonight!!!

And when we come back, god will get over all this Bruce Banner shit and get angry again.

 

This Week in Misogyny

Okay, so I’m in a bit of a quandary because I want to talk about international affairs this week, but I’m not sure if I’m smart enough to comment on those men problems.  According to North Carolina congresswoman Renee Ellmers, women can’t understand complicated stuff like pie-charts and numbers with more than six zeroes, so I’m not sure if I can dumb this down enough for myself to understand.

Speaking at an RNC Women’s Conference (and you can just imagine the throngs of people lining up for that), Ellmers explained the secret to making women voters understand complicated stuff like economies and debtses and stuff saying (quote) “We need our male colleagues to understand that if you can bring it down to a woman’s level… that’s the way to go.” (end quote)

Politicians must “talk down to a woman’s level” to be understood: http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/_gop_congresswoman_men_must_talk_down_to_a_woman_s_level_if_they_want_to_be_understood

So we’re gonna talk briefly about how women are faring under the insane, bloodthirsty theocrats in Iraq, but afterwards, I’ll use dumbed-down woman words so that representative Ellmers can follow along.

We’ll start with their treatment of manufactured women.  Store owners in the Iraqi city of Mosul were surprised last week when their new militant Islamic overlords demanded that they put face veils on their mannequins in an effort to keep the notoriously perverse Muslim men from having impure thoughts about inanimate objects.

Reports also indicate that tobacco and alcohol retailers are being intimidated out of business or outright killed.  ISIS is also enforcing proper gender specific retail by forcing men who own women’s clothing stores to turn over their businesses to the appropriate gender.

Now, let me give you that same story again, but dumbed down to woman-level:

Those poor plastic girls who stand still at the mall all day have pantyhose on their heads!

ISIS forcing stores to put veils on mannequins: http://www.cnbc.com/id/101860481?__source=pd%7Coutbrain%7Ctopnews&par=pd

Of course, the treatment of Iraq’s artificial women is pretty damn lenient compared to their treatment of actual women.  Reports of rapes, robberies and executions are rampant throughout ISIS controlled territory.  A recent UN report warned that women trapped in Mosul will be forced to undergo female genital mutilation, but don’t worry ladies, it seems that report may be incorrect so your clit is way more likely to remain attached to your body than your head.

And again, same story, but dumbed down to woman-level, “Run for your fucking lives!”

Reports of ISIS call for female mutilation are probably false: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/24/isis-female-mutilation_n_5617833.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion

And finally tonight, we’ll make like any sane woman in Iraq who is able to and move north into Turkey, where Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc warned that proper Muslim women should be too modest to laugh in public.

Suggesting that the most important quality in a woman is chastity, Arinc said (quote) “She will not laugh in public.  She will not be inviting in her attitudes and protect her chasteness” (end quote).  Now, in Arinc’s defense, I’m sure that, for the sake of his ego, he has had to tell himself, “She must just be too chaste to have an inviting attitude and laugh at my jokes” at many a Turkish night club.

Turkish official: Women shouldn’t laugh: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2014/07/turkish-leader-tells-women-not-to-laugh-out-loud-in-public/

That’s all the time I’ve got for you this week, but don’t worry, if you want more misogyny, we’re only a couple of minutes away from breaking down another book of the bible.

 

Calendar

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show, the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to keep you up to speed on all the great atheist, skeptical and secular conferences going on around the country and around the world.

We did all out August stuff last month, but I did want to throw a shout out for the Piedmont Humanists, who are holding their annual picnic on Saturday afternoon.  If you’re in the Greenville, South Carolina area and you want to meet some local atheists there can’t possibly be a better opportunity this weekend.

http://www.piedmonthumanists.org/calendar/

Now we’ll slide into September, but we don’t worry, we won’t just ram our way into it quickly, as our first event starts on August 31st and runs through September 2nd and that event would be DragonCon.  Admittedly, this certainly isn’t an atheist convention but draws a hell of a crowd of skeptics and if definitely an awesome place to spend a weekend.

http://www.dragoncon.org/

But far more to the point is ZetetiCon (and if you wanted me to pronounce it correctly, you should have named it something normaler) which kicks off on September 12th in Fargo, North Dakota of all places.  Matt Dillahunty, Richard Carrier, PZ Myers, Aron Ra, David Silverman and more.  And if that’s not enough, you’ll also have hundreds of people doing the ridiculous psuedo-Canadian accent from the otherwise flawless Coen Brothers film.

http://zeteticon.org/2014/

September 19th through the 21st we’ve got Apostocon in Omaha, Nebraska.  Lawrence Krauss is their keynote this year; joined by Matt Dillahunty, friend of the show Dan Fincke, JT Eberhard, Margaret Downey, other friend of the show Darrel Ray, the ubiquitous David Silverman and more.  So skip all the exciting Omaha nightlife for one weekend and try to make it out for that.

http://www.apostacon.org/

The Carolinas Secular Conference is taking place in Charlotte, North Carolina from the 26th to the 28th of September.  They’re bringing in secular blogger and author Greta Christina, President of Black Nonbelievers, Inc. Mandisa Thomas, secular rapper Greydon Square, et cetera.  Should be a lot of fun.

http://www.carolinassecularassociation.org/conference/

And of course, if you’d like more information on any of the events discussed, be sure to check the Transcript or Shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And if you’re involved with an event you think our audience would like to know about, I’m happy to toss you a free plug.  You’ll find all the contact info on our Contact Page.

 

WTFI

What the Fuck is… Eid al Fitr?

Eid al Fitr is an Islamic attempt to take that feeling you get when you finally come across a rest area and unload the forty-four ounces of piss you’ve been damming up for the last eighty miles and turn it into a profound, spiritual experience.

This feast marks the end of the holy month of Ramadan and the start of the inferiority complex ridden month of Shawwal.  After a month of intermittently starving themselves, Muslims the world over celebrate by no longer intermittently starving themselves.  After twenty nine or thirty days of abstaining from food, water, sex and incidentally, happiness, from sunup until sundown, Muslims prepare the three hundred and thirty five to three hundred and thirty seven day effort to convince themselves not to go with a less fast-based religion.

Eid al Fitr is a three day event that moves around the Gregorian calendar.  This is a byproduct of the lunar calendar that Muslims are too stubborn to give up in favor of the vastly superior “thing that actually makes years happen” based calendar.  This year Muslims were subjected to a summer fast, meaning far longer periods of misery for those living significantly north of the equator.  Muslims are no doubt tempering their celebration this year with a solemn remembrance of all the Muslims that used to live north of the sixty sixth parallel before starving to death in this annual tradition.

The traditional Arabic greeting on Eid al Fitr is “Eid Mubarak,” which literally translates to “what the fuck were we thinking?”  In addition to giving up the 19th century prison diet, Muslims also celebrate by reciting special magic spells and reminding their all knowing deity how awesome he is in case he forgot since they reminded him less than seven hours earlier.

The day is also marked with entertainment and merriment.  In the Quran, Mohammad famously chastised a friend when he tried to make his daughters stop singing because on Eid al Fitr, everyone is allowed to sing.  To Muslims this signifies a level of leniency on this important day and to everyone else it signifies the fact that on other days these assholes would make young girls stop singing just to be dicks.

In addition to these common practices, there are also regional variations of the holiday.  In Saudi Arabia, they decorate their homes with lights.   In Egypt, they celebrate by sexually assaulting women in startlingly large numbers.  And in Iraq this year, Muslims celebrated Eid al Fitr by decapitating infidels and lining their dismembered heads along the streets in a macabre attempt to finally put that “religion of peace” nonsense to rest once and for all.

Of course, Eid al Fitr is also a time of charity, giving, hospitality, forgiveness and joy, which, let’s face it, all religions say about all of their holidays.  But still, it’s worth noting once in a while that they’re not just about violent theocracy and forced cliterectomies.  Sometimes they also cook food.

So to all our Muslim listeners, I wish you a belated Eid Mubarak and, while I’m at it, I’d like to wish our equally numerous dinosaur listeners and leprechaun listeners a cosmic orgasm.

 

Babble – Isaiah

Well, it’s happened.  We’ve passed out of the “Wisdom” portion book altogether and reached the “verbose compared to Nostradamus” section known as the “Prophetic” books.  And, like all prophets, these books have to be insanely long to fling enough shit against the wall to occasionally be kind-of right.

Does the fact that I prophesied that this book would suck before I read it give me the right to order around jews?

Apparently not, because your prophecy ended up being correct.  Unacceptable condition for a Jewish prophet.  So joining us to discuss the post-masturbatory portions of the Bible is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Great to be here.

Alright, so enough with all this “Gettin’ to know us” shit, let’s get prophesying.

  1. Right away you know this one’s gonna be a chore.  It’s the fifth longest book in the Bible and right away you get Isaiah going off like an apocalyptic street preacher.
    1. Yeah, Isaiah goes off like your rebound girlfriend’s racist stepdad.  Bunch of “These kids these days with their fringe-cloth saddles and goat-hair cruppers and them filthy Akkadians takin’ our jobs, what don’t even speak Hebrew!”
  2. And then it gets scary and violent.  Isaiah explains how god wants the Jews to take over the world and steal all their neighbor’s silver and gold and horses.
  3. It’s nice to have psychotic, vengeful god back.  Haven’t seen him since Job, but he’s back in full force!!!  In chapter three he explains what horrible shit he has in store for all the Jews that piss him off, in case you missed the entire Old Testament leading up to this book.
    1. Yeah, among the torments listed is that the daughters of the unrighteous will have their heads covered in scabs and paraded naked through the streets.
  4. – ???
  5. And he’ll smash them and burn them and their corpses will litter the street like ashes because they’ve been drinking the wine and galavanting with the strange women.
  6. Then we get this weird scene where Isaiah chats with god and he’s got these six-winged Seraphs all around him and, if I’m not mistaken, god tells him to make sure the people of Israel remain as stupid as possible.
  • But first, God had one of the magical pixies burn Isaiah’s tongue out with a piece of live coal, to get him ready to tell everyone about the future badly.  So don’t worry, there’s no hole in the plot there.  Don’t even check.
  1. And then we get our first glimpse of pre-Jesus.
  • A little spotting before the first coming.  The pre-coming of Jesus.
    1. I think it’s worth noting that the KJV still has the mistranslated “virgin” in that verse.  But they get Jesus’s name wrong.
  • And here’s how you know God’s not a particularly clever dude.  Regardless of what name he chooses for the savior of humanity, if he’s got any sense of humor at all, it’s something difficult and awkward to yell during orgasms … “Almost there!!!  Wait for it!!! … Nnnnnnebuchadnezzar!!!” … “Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz!!!”
    1. Right.  The messiah is supposed to be “Immanuel,” but worse than that, it’s really clear that the young woman Isaiah is talking about was somebody alive at that time.  This book was written in the 8th century bce… not to mention his coming was supposed to coincide with a worldwide thorn epidemic.  So yeah, all kinds of problems with basing your religion on this passage.
  • And I wouldn’t recommend any of the other passages we’ve seen yet either.
  1. What’s more, his birth is supposed to usher in a full blown apocalypse.  And I’m pretty sure that if the world ended in the 8th century bce, we’d know about it.
  2. And then god’s going to raise an army of cannibals to kill all the wicked evildoers, including the orphans and babies who are evil by association.
  3. “So you know the human trafficking, heathen mercenaries that I hired to enslave you guys most recently? … Yeah?  Well I changed my mind about them, and now I don’t like them.  So I might be back on board with you Jews again.  But not right away.  It’s gonna suck for a bunch longer.  But then maybe better.  Who’s comin’ with me?”
  4. And honestly, Christianity would be way cooler if they stuck to this messiah Isaiah is talking about because this dude ejaculates fire demons and kills people with his lips, both of which would have made a much better image for the Sistine Chapel.
    1. And also, this Jesus does a way better job because by the time he’s done with it bears start grazing and lions are friendly and you can safely get cunilingus from a poisonous asp.
    2. He was also supposed to split the red sea into seven rivers with a land bridge.
  • And what about the land bridge connecting Brazil and Senegal in Risk?
  1. It’s hard to stress what a truly fucked up book this is, though.  Because what it’s saying is that god wants to kill basically everybody, but instead of doing it himself, he needs an army of true believers to give him a hand.  Basically he says, “Wanted: Righteous believers to smash babies and ravish wives.”
  • Sounds like my profile on MormonMingle.com …
  1. So let’s be perfectly clear about this.  The very first prophecy in the prophetic books is that Jewish enslavement in Assyria would end when Emmanuel rose up with an army, the world turned to thorns, the sun became black and the Assyrians were all enslaved by the jews.  And in case you’re not particularly a history buff, I should point out that that didn’t happen.
  • Not during observational history.  Could have been during historical history, but no way to check.
  1. And even the cities he correctly predicts the destruction of, he gets wrong.  Like Moab.  He says that Moab will be destroyed and I can’t find it on Google Maps, so there you go; but he also says the way it’ll go is that all the people will turn bald and the crops will dry up and that’s probably not how it happened at all.
  2. Also, god will harp-fart.  Isaiah 16:11 “Wherefore my bowels shall sound like a harp.”
  3. Then we get to the one that has all the modern day reality-impaired lunatics up in arms, the prophecy about the destruction of Damascus.
    1. Keeping in mind, of course that until now he’s clearly talking about a Jewish uprising that will destroy their oppressors in the near term.  Like… within a generation… of 740 bce.
    2. Yeah, this is the one you’ve gotta read if you want to get your bearings when Michelle Bachmann starts bringing up olive trees.
  • “Well Israel doesn’t seem to be having any trouble defending it’s current borders.  And given all their ally neighbors, they should be able to take over Syria pretty soon.  The demand for Judaism in the region just isn’t being met.  Market solution.”
  1. And it’s hilarious to actually read this shit in context.  Because the “end is nigh” nutjobs point to this part of the bible and they say, “See, it predicts bad shit happening in Syria and in Egypt and if you look right now, what do you see?”  But it’s not like it predicts just general, “Bad shit,” it predicts very precise droughts and floods and not a living human remaining and how the pharaohs of Egypt will respond.  In other words, if he was talking about now, he really fucked it up.
    1. Well and those are also sandwiched in between prophecies about Moab and Tyre, so seems like we’re being damn lenient on the chronology, too.
  2. Right, and part of the specific Egyptian troubles is god marching them all out of Egypt in a single file line buck-naked.  When that happens, call me.
    1. One of my top 5 chapters right there.  Chapter 20 … Isaiah spends three years with his dick out so that god will make a naked Egyptian parade.  Priceless.
  3. So essentially we’re reading Jewish revenge porn.  It’s just one city after another that Jew god is gonna smite for fucking with the jews… complete with gory details of how it’s gonna go down.
    1. My favorite, even though it isn’t all that gory, is the post-spinach popeye treatment Isaiah describes in Chapter 22, verses 17 and 18: “The lord is about to hurl you away violently, my fellow.  He will seize firm hold of you, whirl you round and round and throw you like a ball into a wide land.”
  4. And chapter 23 seems to be an homage to the slutty city of Tyre.  Prostitutes will exist forever, all over the world, but they have to donate their trick money to churches.  So whore and pastor pimp are indeed two of the oldest professions.
  5. Then they get bored with individual cities and just prophecy the whole world coming down.  And I can’t help but think, we’re 24 chapters into a 66 chapter book and the world is already destroyed?  Is Isaiah gonna catch a ride with Zaphod and Trillian or something?
  6. In chapter 25 we get Moabites swimming around in giant dung-pits.
  7. And in 26 it warns you to lock your doors because god’s judgment is coming and apparently god’s judgment is as lame as the aliens in “Signs.”
  • And the casting.  Rory Culkin?!?  Really?!? They couldn’t spring for Macaulay.
  1. And right when we’re in danger of dozing off, Leviathan shows back up and god starts killing sea-dragons.
    1. And while we’re on the subject, what kind of pansy god stops in the middle of a dragon fight to sing a song about vineyards?
  2. And whoever wrote this is so fucking racist.  It’s all “Egyptians are stupid and Ephraimites are drunkards and those squinty-eyed Dedanites can’t park for shit.”
  3. We’re also reminded to always listen to the voices in our head.  They mean us no harm.
  4. And perhaps seeing the weakness in using human armies all the time, he does promise to lop the Assyrians’ heads off with a magic sword at least.
  5. In chapter 32 there’s a part where Isaiah commands all the women to strip naked and pummel their tits for the sake of a good harvest.  Not sure how that works.
  • I’d do shit like that all the time if I was a prophet.  If God tells you when it’s gonna finally start raining in the desert … “Ok ladies, this drought isn’t going away by itself.  We’re gonna need a topless rain dance … while one of you blows me … (Thunder Crack!!!) … Don’t doubt me, bitches!!!  What did you learn?!?”
  1. But obviously, if you’re a monotheist who believes god is just, you need shit like Isaiah.  Because you need to know that god is just biding his time letting all these other tribes fuck with the jews while he plots his vengeance
  2. And then we continue with the “You just wait ‘til god gets home” theme by describing in gory detail the bloody vengeance god has in store for anybody who burns Isaiah’s toast.
  3. And it’s not enough to tell all these gentiles how brutally murdered their children will be or how raped their wives will be; he also has to rub it in by talking about the awesome paradise god’s going to establish on earth once they’re dead.
  4. And just when you’re thinking to yourself, “I sure miss Second Kings chapters 18 through 20,” we rehash them for no reason at all.
  5. Which, in case you forgot, is the story of god defending Hezekiah, then condemning him to die, then deciding to let him live another fifteen years, then punishing him by destroying Judah and enslaving the jews after he dies.
  6. And what the hell is up with that?  Centuries of empire the Jews had and they only managed 9 different historical stories to repeat over and over again?
  • Yeah so far, God’s plan seems more and more like a Bond villain trying to slowly kill the Jews with a Rube Goldberg device.  These assinine, overly-elaborate, century-long lessons … And then you’re all slaves … and then I free you, but kill 90% … and then MOUSE TRAP!!!”
  1. And believe it or not, there’s even more of this damn book.  So we’ll answer that question and many more after this important announcement.

 

Pitch

Since we started doing this show in January of last year, Heath, Lucinda and I have written over a third of a million words worth of blasphemous dick jokes.

That’s more words than the entire bible.

Actually it’s not quite half that.

…more words than War and Peace.

No, that’s more like half a million.

It’s like a Moby Dick, two Great Gatsbys and an Ethan Frome.

Yeah, that’s about right.  A lot people have asked us how we manage to stay so prolific week after week.  Is it passion?  Divine inspiration?  Adderall?

But the truth is far simpler than that.  Our Adderall guy got busted, so we hired a group of Dickensian street-orphans in East London who were willing to write for nothing but a spot of porridge and a leaky roof.

In fact, let’s pop over to Hackney and see how they’re doing!

(Whoosh)

Listen up!  The sixty minute format has been a big success and it’s going to be permanent.

(groans)

Get back to work, or I’ll give you something to moan about!  You there, why aren’t you writing dick jokes?

My hands, hurt, sir.

Your hands hurt!?  Do you think those dick jokes are just gonna write themselves?

No sir.

And you there!  How many Pope Francis nicknames have you come up with today?

Um… I came up with Pope Fran-colostomy bag, sir.

That’s terrible!  No good.  And you, there, what have you got?

Pope Frant-Farm?

Pope What!?

Pope Frant-Farm, sir… like an ant farm, but with an F and an R.

Utter shit!  Back to work the lot of you.  And you there, what have you got.

Pope Frabble-Rouser, sir?

Alright, that’s actually not too bad.  I need four more like that today.

(groans)

We’ve been working since sun up, sir.  Can we break for some porridge?

You’ll get some porridge when the listeners pony up at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and not a moment before.

(Whoosh)

So if you’d like to help our orphans get some more porridge… or maybe get Noah a dialect coach, please make a donation today.

And remember, if we can reach our next milestone, Heath can quit his job and we can fire those orphans altogether and let them go back to work giving handjobs to bishops and sixpence a squirt.

That’s probably not the right way to go.

Yeah, probably not.

The best thing to do is make them seasonal so we don’t have to give them benefits.

Or… independent contractors.

Now you’re thinking…

Previously on the Holy Babble… (insert) … and now for the unexceptional conclusion of Isaiah.

  1. When we left off, I believe we were being reminded at length how awesome god is and how feeble we are in comparison.
    1. Something of a running theme in this book.
  2. And you can tell that historical circumstances really fucked up the narrative here, because for the first half of the book Isaiah’s talking about how god’s gonna lay waste to all the other cities and establish a worldwide Jewish totalitarian state and while Isaiah’s explaining this, the Babylonians show up, level their city and enslave them.
    1. Right and then Isaiah has to say, “Yeah, guys, this is all part of the plan.”
  • “Part of the trick … And still … where did the lighter fluid come from?!?”
  1. It must suck being god’s biographer… “Put in another couple chapters about how awesome I am.”
  • “And remember those Babylonians that I’m having enslave you right now???  Well I think I know how to get you out of this.  Gotta be smooth about this, or everyone’s gonna know I’m Jewish.  Just shut up about it, and I’ll fucking choose you guys.”
  1. And I want to photocopy chapter 44 of Isaiah and send it to everybody who ever found Jesus on a fucking pancake.  The bible basically says, “Jesus ain’t on no motherfuckin’ pancake.”
  2. But I think what betrays this book most as being useless crap is the amount of it they devote to god reminding us that he’s god.  It would be like me stopping every five minutes of the show and saying, “And I am Noah and there is no other host of the Scathing Atheist before me; I am he who edits the show and uploadeth it; for no other compresses the sound-files and embeds the musical interludes.”
  3. There’s such an odd mix of divine threat in here, too.  Like, once you’ve said “Hey, I’m gonna smash your babies to death, burn your cities, rape your wives and feed your flesh to your brother,” there’s really no impact in later saying, “You’ll be chilly and settle for foods you don’t much care for.”
  • “And the towels will be a little scratchy!!!  And you might need a long-sleeve tee!!!
  1. Right.  Two chapters after condemning the oppressors to be uncomfortably cold, he says, (quote) “I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh and they shall be drunk with their own blood as with wine.”
  2. In chapter 50 we learn that Isaiah beat Jesus to the whole “turn the other cheek” thing by at least seven centuries.
  3. And apparently Jesus was supposed to get burned to a crisp and come back all Freddy Krueger looking, according to chapter 52.
  4. Then we get another prophecy about the Jews taking over the world.
    1. Followed by an assurance that there will definitely never be a holocaust, so Isaiah’s sub-Padrean batting average continues.
  • Yeah, when the prophet of god is below the Mendoza line … it really show you how hard it is to go one for five against major league pitching.
  1. But that’s just the thing.  The fact that none of these prophecies have been fulfilled in the 27 centuries since he uttered them is just proof that this post-apocalyptic Jewish theocracy is yet to come.
  • Right … Just like 45-year-old pale, friendless virgins are just about due to get laid any minute.  That’s like ten black numbers in a row on the roulette wheel.  The next one pretty much has to be pink.
  1. Then in 56 god suddenly gets nice for a minute, reminds us not to be ungood and offers to regrow the balls of eunuchs if they pray hard enough.
  • “Can’t promise anything about using public restrooms in Colorado … But I can get you those balls back.”
  1. It’s such a weird contrast, too.  Suddenly he starts talking about feeding the poor and clothing the naked… it’s like “We’re gonna boil their flesh and eat it, but don’t forget to brush and floss afterwards.”
  2. But the hiatus doesn’t last long.  Three chapters later, god’s putting on his “vengeance armor” and his “fury mantle” and setting out to kill people again.
  3. And I’m sorry, but the prophecies that Isaiah is laying down are way more than just wrong.  In chapter 60 he goes on and on about how there will be no more violence in Israel.
  • Well the maps are tricky … Maybe he meant a different part of the region, like Palestine.
  1. Then in 63 God makes some people wine.  Really weird chapter where the guy says, “Hey god, what’s all that crimson on your outfit… you been making wine?”  And god answers back, “Na, just been crushing people to death beneath my mighty wrath and I guess I got a little on me.”
  2. The last couple chapters have a sort of “any minute now” feel to them.
  3. Yeah, a bit of Isaian ass-covering here where they’re basically saying, “Well sure, god’s gonna come and avenge all of our enemies, but how’s he supposed to do that if you assholes are still burning incense on bricks and slaughtering the wrong number of bulls?”
  • “And you definitely rubbed the lamp three times??? … And you reset the router? … That’s just fucking weird … Maybe you weren’t being Jewish hard enough.”
  1. And then all the jews lived happily ever after.
    1. And the non-jews had their flesh eaten by immortal worms.  The end.

So we all know that Psalms was the longest book and we already got through that one.  Anybody care to venture a guess what the second longest is?

Please let it be apocryphal.

Jeremiah.  Next one on our list.  And Ezekiel’s number three.  But if it’s any comfort, all ten of the shortest books are ones we haven’t read yet…

It’s not.

Alright, so that does it for the Babble.  Three weeks to go and another even worse one after that.  Sorry.  Not my fault.  I didn’t write this crap.

When I read the “harp-farting” part I started to wonder.

Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.

 

Feedback

It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the few minutes that come next and contain feedback from listeners.

Our first message comes in the form of a comment on the blog.  Donovan rights us regarding our Wisdom books wrap up last week regarding Eli’s choice for the best passage in the section, Psalms 47:2

You bastards actually made me go look up to see if it actually said ‘the lord most high is terrible.’ I so fell for that shit, as ‘awesome’ as it was.

Yeah, so Donovan went to his bible, double checked the passage and read, “The Lord most High is Awesome,” and assumed we were just fucking with him.  We weren’t.  Now, I don’t think we’ve actually mentioned this since episode 10 when we launched the Holy Babble, but Heath, Lucinda and I are all reading different translations.  Heath’s reading the King James, Lucinda has the NIV and I’m reading the New Revised Standard Edition.  And they don’t always say the same shit.

Yeah and my copy of King James is by Dan Brown, and it’s got a lot of parts that are different.

So in this instance, most of the newer translations say, “The Lord most high is awesome,” but in the KJV and the many bibles based on that one, it reads, “The Lord most high is terrible.”

“Awesome” … “Terrible” … Are we splitting hairs?!?

We’ve also got an email correcting an actual mistake I made in that same segment.  We were talking about “Song of Solomon” and I said it was the only book of the Old Testament that got cut from the Mormon Bible and apparently I was in error.

Sort of … technically … but it’s a moot point, because according to the Old Testament, everyone that’s not Jewish is about to be fucked any minute.  You definitely can’t be changing stuff.  If Old Testament God shows up, Mormons might as well be ass-raping angels … and that dude’s daughter … with a Baal figurine … on a high place.

But as is often the case, the more I looked into the error, the cooler it got.  Joseph Smith had his out (scare quote) “Translation” of the bible, or at least, was working on one when he was killed.  And in that version, he does omit Song of Solomon and claim that it is (quote) “not inspired writing” (end quote)

However, the LDS doesn’t actually use the Joseph Smith Translation (which they call the “Inspired Version”) as their official bible.  While they’ve canonized parts of it, they still officially use the KJV.  So there is no specific “Mormon Bible,” but if there was, it wouldn’t have Song of Solomon in it.  Which is off, because I thought Joseph Smith was all about the pussy.

So Joey ‘Splatter Day Saints’ started his polygamist cult just for the tax breaks … Get your facts straight.

Our next email comes from Michael, who would like a little help with his bumper stickers.  He prints these up himself in 100 point type and puts a new one on his car every week or two and was hoping we could come up with some slogans for him.

Right… he’s looking for slogans that (a) probably won’t get his car keyed, (b) promote atheism rather than demonize religion, and (c) might actually open someone’s mind.

Yeah, he offered some examples of stuff he’s used in the past.  Stuff like “WWUD: Think for yourself”, “You pray for me; I’ll think for you”, “In Reason we Trust”, etc.

Yeah, he even went so far as to say he’d donate $10 to the show for each one we came up with that he decided to use.  So… top ten?

Okay, so we’re looking for the top ten… non-derogatory, non-vandalism inspiring atheist slogans Michael can put on his car?

Not sure it’s exactly on our wheelhouse, but we’ll give it a try…

  • 10 – Umm… I guess “fuck jesus in the wrist holes” would fall under “derogatory,” huh?
  • 9 – “Atheism: If you can read this, you’re statistically more likely to agree with me.”
  • 8 – Maybe… “Yo Savior’s Momma’s so fat…” no…
  • 7 – “My atheist kid got your honor student pregnant … But only for about a week.”

Alright, obviously not our cup of tea here.  But what we could do is crowdsource this shit.  So if you have an idea for Michael’s bumper sticker and want to help us make ten bucks with it, tweet it (at) Noah (underscore) Lugeons, we’ll collect together the best ones and present them on next week’s feedback.

Yeah, but don’t tell Michael because we want him to think we made them up.  And we’re obviously not very good at this … so make it believable.

Right.  Good call.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, keep those Tweets, Facebook messages and emails coming.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

 

Outro

Before we go quietly into the night tonight, I wanted to remind all of our listeners that Peter Boghossian is looking for volunteer artists to help with the app he’s developing to go with his book, “A Manual for Creating Atheists.”  I happen to know we’ve got at least a couple of damn talented artists listening to this show, and as much as I understand the ridiculous rate at which artists get asked to work for free, this time it’s for a pretty beneficial product.  It you’re interested, check the website for an email address or contact me and I’ll let you know who to get in touch with.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Between now and then you can find some bonus bits of Scatheism on our Facebook page, our Twitter Feed and our YouTube channel.  And a big thanks to all the fine folks who have recently taken it upon themselves to share some of the diatribe videos.

And since I’ve already got a little gratitude momentum building up, I also need to thank Heath once more for the incredible amount of effort he puts into this show every week.  I need to thank Lucinda for her willingness to take on an ever more demanding role as the show grows.  I also need to thank Tucker from the “Atheist in the Trailer Park” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  If his trailer park is anything like the ones down here, he had to hide in an interior room of his doublewide with all the doors locked and the windows shaded when he recorded that, so for that I thank him.  If you’d like to check out his show, you’ll find it linked on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most laudable listeners; Patrick, Monica, Warwick, Weston, Glen, Alex, Max, Wayne and Fred.  Patrick, Monica and Warwick, who think so fast they could beat Professor X at Rock Paper Scissors; Weston, Glen and Alex, who turned down a Dos Equis ad campaign about their lives; and Max, Wayne and Fred, whose ejaculate is recommended by five out of five dentists.  These nine inestimably estimable individuals have earned a small measure of immortality this week by giving us money; their praiseworthiness is now eternally archived that future generations will know of their great deeds.

If you, too, would like to earn the perpetual gratitude of future civilizations and the lifelong gratitude of Heath, Lucinda and me, you can make a per episode donation to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, where you can also earn some bonus material and books and stuff.  Or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but you’re allergic to donating, you can also help us a bunch by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, Stitcher or any other place that affords you an opportunity to tell everyone how many stars we’re worth.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 68 – Partial Transcript

June 5, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)

LINK TO EPISODE

LINK TO DONATE TO THE SHOW ON PATREON

LINK TO BUY THE BOOK

Warning: Eli’s on this episode so you might want to pee before you listen.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Christian Mingle (dot) com, because as far as we can tell, there’s no law against advertising for a company against their will.  So try Christian Mingle (dot) com, because when I say “Fuck Christians”, it’s not always metaphorical.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s June 5th,

And there’s no such thing as “well done but juicy”.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Ballgame over! Yankees win!” New York, New York,

And “Rebels Trail at Halftime” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll wonder why Easter candy is being sold in Malaysia,
  • We’ll learn that Hitler’s not as bad when you compare him to god,
  • And Eli Bosnick will join us to discuss that guy who hosted Later With Greg Kinnear.

But first, the diatribe…

 

Diatribe

Ever since I moved to Georgia, I’ve been looking forward to the missionaries.  I could hit the nearest church to my house with a frisbee and the next nearest with about a 3 wood.  I see roving bands of Jesus proxies everywhere I go in this town so I knew it was only a matter of time.

And when it finally came it was like a perfect storm of anger and rage.  It should have been a thing of beauty.  After the surgery, my wife was up and down and tossing and turning so I slept on the couch for the first couple of post-op weeks and it’s pretty okay for a couch but it’s still a couch.

Right about that time the AC goes out in my house.  So, of course, we get highs in the mid-nineties the whole time.  And for our international listeners, ninety five fahrenheit is three hundred and eight point one five Kelvin.  So it’s fucking hot.

Anyway, I wake up in the morning to a knock on the door that I hope is the repairman but instead it’s a couple of used afterlife salesman.  I’m wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts and a sheen of sweat, the perspiration in my hair has congealed into this reverse pillow mold and at that point I’d have been pissed if it was the Publisher’s Clearing House guys unless one of them had a background in AC repair.

All the ingredients were there for an epic, heartless, misanthropic beat down, but there was one problem.  The missionaries in question were three girls, ranging in age from fourteen down to nine.  The eldest is muttering something about an island and a boat and she’s clearly forgetting the last half of her sales pitch midway through the first half, so after a bit of stammering she asks me if I’ve made room in my life for Jesus.

So I consider it for a second and I say, “I liked some of his early stuff.”

This clearly wasn’t in their flowchart so it earned me a few seconds of blank stares and I added, “but once he got into that ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ phase, I tuned out.”

And apparently preteen Baptist girls don’t watch Reservoir Dogs because it clearly didn’t ring a bell.  But undeterred, Jesus’s groupies went on to the next line, which was something about some dead carpenter or another.  But I was done making fun of them and it was too hot to try to explain the concept of “incorrect” at that point so I told them I had important Messiahs to ignore but they were free to come back some other time.

It’s hard for me to imagine how that was supposed to go in their minds.  Do groups of socially awkward teenie-boppers have high conversion rates?  Are they concerned that somebody in town missed the church signs and giant crosses and “Christian Owned Business” stickers and bible verses and Christian book stores and yard signs and the bumper stickers and t-shirts and the eleven religious channels on basic cable and hadn’t heard the news about his sins having been died for?  Did the preacher think to himself, “If anything will subdue the skepticism of the wayward masses, it’s the wisdom of One Direction fans?”  And did mom and dad think to themselves, “What a great time to send the girls out unsupervised to the homes of middle aged men that we’ve never met!  I know it’s ninety five degree out, but it’s a wet heat.”

But, of course, I know that they know they’re not gonna convert me.  I’m just a prop in this game.  The preacher didn’t send them out to spread their faith, he sent them out to strengthen it.  It’s all about cramming as much Jesus as he can into every nook and cranny of their lives.  I’m a vaccine against all the people that might challenge their beliefs later in life.  I’m an unwitting pawn in their indoctrination.

Nothing betrays the depravity of religious leaders like their willingness to exploit children, and I’m not just talking about the ones that molest them.  I just don’t see how anyone can resolve this in their own heads.  How can you believe that teaching kids that there really are monsters under their beds is anything but unconscionable?

 

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is treif enthusiast, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to scare some swine-o-phobes?

So here’s what I’ve been doing … I carry a strip of bacon with me everywhere I go in New York City, and touch every surface I can.  That includes every straw in every restaurant if possible.  So if pig molecules irrationally frighten you, don’t come to New York any more.

In our lead story tonight, a Utah high school has taken decisive action against inappropriate shoulder-inspired erections this week by photoshopping modesty onto the floozies in their yearbook.  Officials at “Watch Snatch” high school in South-Central Heber City, Utah enraged a number of their female students by adding sleeves to tank tops and camisoles to the pre-cleavage chest area.

I can understand where these girls are coming from.  You’ve gotta look good when you’re 16-years-old, and have eight other younger wives to compete with.

Though they stopped short of going full hijab on these chicks, several of the students were outraged by the changes.  To their credit, the school later apologized for not altering more of the photos!  When this was brought to their attention, they were devastated by the fact that some of those little harlots got away with showing bare necks on their yearbook pictures after all.

Blasphemy!!!  Might as well be the “Clavicle Fetish” section of a porn site!!!

I think it’s worth noting… and this is coming from a guy that grew up in the scrambled-porn whacking era… I can assure these school officials that no amount of digital remastery is gonna slow down a teenage boy looking to rub one out.

Yeah porn on dial-up was rough, but we certainly still made it work.  The girl would show up in small horizontal bars, about once a minute, so by the time it got down to the upper shoulders, it was usually too late.  I’d finally see some snatch while I was cleaning up.

“And we liked it!”

Utah High School modifies girl’s yearbook pics to look more modest: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/05/28/utah-high-schoolers-furious-over-selective-alteration-of-girls-yearbook-photos/

And from the “Still in Denial” file, Life Savers Ministries of Alabama recently put up – and then immediately had to take down in public embarrassment – a billboard in Auburn with the following two quotes … #1: “He alone, who owns the youth, owns the future.” … And #2: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” … These particular brainwashing tips were taken from two sources: Proverbs 22:6 and … wait for it … Adolph Hitler.

And it’s not like they just didn’t know who said that.  They actually had the attribution on the billboard!  It was written in red and it was bigger than the biblical attribution so there was no possible way you could drive by and not realize you were getting parenting advice from Hitler.

So let’s set aside the Holocaust thing … Who even knows whether- … Just ignore that for a moment … The message of the billboard is insane.  First of all, it admits that Hitler and God use the same recruiting strategy.  Not a selling point.  And it also suggests that brainwashing people from birth to be religious zealots hasn’t lead to nearly every single genocide campaign in human history.  Which it clearly has.

You’d think at least the ad company would have said something.  The guy designing the thing?  “Hey guys… I know it’s your ad and everything, but are you sure you want to associate yourself with the Nazis?  I mean, I agree that at least it’s an ethos and all…”

So yes … Somehow, nobody foresaw any negative reaction to the name “Adolph Hitler” printed in huge letters, on an enormous highway poster.  Turns out several people in Alabama know someone that’s seen a Jew, and they were – of course – mildly offended on their behalf.

“I seen me a jew once!  Had one a ‘em little hats and everthang.”

Following the very subtle public outcry, Ministry founder James Anderegg admitted that – in retrospect – it might have been better to use a Herbert Hoover quote instead.  Which clearly betrays his knowledge of “Anyone But Hitler”, and really only makes it worse.

“But Hitler’s mom let’s him do it”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/03/christian-ministry-quotes-adolf-hitler-on-billboard-not-realizing-thats-a-bad-idea

And in “Don’t try this at home” news tonight, we have a fucked up story about a crazy person murdering a kid.  Raging psychotic Kimberly Lee Lucas, after being told repeatedly by the sane people around her that Abraham was commendable for the whole “willingness to murder his kid for god” thing, decided to emulate this biblical hero.  And it turns out that, no, killing children on the command of the voices in your head isn’t all the bible makes it out to be.

“Yeah I stabbed my 2-year-old with a knife.  But I didn’t think it would work!!!” … Where are the censors now?  At least Grand Theft Auto has you murdering hookers, not your own child.  And by the way, the Bible also has you murdering hookers, just for the record.

Now, we generally try to avoid stories about baby murder and crazy people on this show because by and large you can’t blame religion for its adherents being mentally ill… and baby murder jokes stop being funny if you’re talking about actual murdered babies.  But when you are arm crazy people with stories that glorify attempted infanticide you have to accept at least some of the blame.

Yeah to be fair, I’d say the blame is spread out evenly, across all the holy books that glorify attempted infanticide.

Now let me stave off a few emails right now by making it clear that I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to buy bibles or that all bibles should be banned.  I’m just endorsing waiting periods and background checks.  And maybe we should rethink our policies on assault bibles.

Woman kills child while reinacting Abraham and Isaac story: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/30/inspired-by-abraham-and-isaac-bible-story-woman-murders-two-year-old-girl-in-religious-test-god-didnt-stop-me/

And from the biggest file we have … Reverend Terence McAlinden – while employed as a youth group leader at the Diocese of Trenton in the 1980’s – sexually assaulted Chris Naples numerous times during church-sanctioned trips.  Naples has filed suit, but according to the diocese lawyer, the church is not responsible because the rapist was technically “off the clock” during those particular incidents.

Yeah, well in their defense, the Catholic Church has had a long standing “Who you fuck on your own time is none of our business” policy, haven’t they?

Indeed they have … The ‘off duty’ excuse prompted one of the justices to ask: “How do we determine when a priest IS and IS NOT on duty?” … The defense lawyer replied: “You can determine a priest is not on duty when he is [abusing] a child, for example”  … So they have a Pedophile Scotsman Policy.  “Clock out if your cock’s out.”

I feel the need to point out that that was a real quote.  The lawyer really said that.  He wasn’t a priest at that time because, by definition, priests don’t have their dicks in kids.  He was a priest between thrusts, sure…

Running out of clever titles for pedophile stories: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/03/church-deflects-blame-for-pedophile-priest-by-arguing-that-he-was-not-on-duty

And in “Spiritual Death by Chocolate” news tonight, several raging Muslim lunatics are left with creme egg on their faces this week when it turned out their fatwa against a candy bar may have been premature.  The story began last month when the Malaysian Ministry of Health demanded a recall that led to a fatwa against Cadbury.  At first I thought it was inspired by the fact that there’s no logical place to start eating those fucking creme eggs without splurting sugar sperm all over your chin, in which case I’d have been behind it entirely, but it turns out it was actually prompted by the detection of a few molecules of pork.

What I like to do for breakfast, is break two or three creme eggs over bacon and toast.  That way you can wipe up the sugar sperm with the extra toast.

Every sperm is sacred… Now, I know it’s hard to imagine Muslims getting the science wrong, but it turns out they didn’t adequately control for contamination.  Upon rectifying that oversight, the tests came back negative.  So yes, Malaysia is safe from spiritually deficient demon swine once again.  Now maybe the country that ranks between Libya and Syria on the human development index can move on to removing the piss from the tap water.

Or maybe they can spend a few days finding that fucking airplane!!!  It’s not as if it’s a tiny packet of fucking peanuts.

These new data have done little to slow down boycotts and demonstrations against the company.  When asked if the new findings were enough to exonerate the chocolatier, a spokesman for the Association of Islamic Consumers said (quote), “If we were the kind of people that changed our positions because of evidence, we wouldn’t be religious.”

Fatwa issued against Cadbury chocolate: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/02/cadbury-malaysia-pork-halal_n_5432136.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, in “Have Your Cock and Eat it too” news, the Colorado Civil Rights Commission has ruled that Jack Phillips – owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop – must stop discriminating against gay people by refusing to make wedding cakes for same-sex marriages.  Incidentally, such marriages don’t technically exist in Colorado yet, despite their very liberal stance on what can and can’t be put into baked goods.  And just to be clear, they draw the line after marijuana, but before a second cock.  Jason Biggs would have been safe.

I bet he never thought fucking that pie would be the high point of his career.

Dude wouldn’t have lasted a day on The Creek … So let’s recap: Phillips puts flower-shaped dollops of pink icing on cakes for a living, but refuses to be involved with gay stuff in any way whatsoever.  Sounds like the demand for homosexual food service isn’t being met in Colorado … So let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for a Gay Catering Business” … GO!!!

Circle Jerked Chicken

“Pie a la Mo”

Adam’s Apple Upside Down Cake?  Made with fresh tranny apples?

Don’t mix up the tops and bottoms … What about: “Five Guys Sharing Ass…Burgers and Fries”?

I think you could have just stopped at “Five Guys”… how about “Squeals on Wheels: All the pillow you can bite for one low price”

Tossed Fruit Salad … Some people prefer jelly … Most likely “Felch’s Grape”

I only like it with Peanut Bugger.

Like those gay cream pies … What are they called? … FlufferNutters in the Butter

How about Santorum-balls?

Man on Manchester Tart??? … Queer-a-misu???

A little “Queef Brisket” for the Lesbian menu

BrownEye Rounds: Donut-Shaped Fudge-Packed Brownies

Chubway Footlongs?  Or you can get the really big ones and circumcise a little bit at a time.

“Epstein’s Barbecue: Smokin’ Pole Food”

“Rusty Trombone Appetit”

“Two Guys, One Cupcake”

If I’m not mistaken, two girl-one cup references are to our headlines as fat ladies are to operas, so I guess that does it for tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will be here to discuss the new film “Little Mister Monkeyshines”

 

Outro

Before we abdicate the throne tonight I wanted to let everyone know we’re getting damn close to our five hundred dollar an episode Patreon goal.  For those who don’t know, when we hit $500 we’re gonna make a go at doubling the length of the show so if you want more us, we’re only about thirty three bucks shy now, you can get us closer by visiting Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and making a per episode donation.

Also want to remind everybody that I was on the most recent episode of The Imaginary Friends Show podcast, that’s episode one eighty two of Jake’s fine show, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for this episode.  Had a blast with Pete Darwin and Ross from the Skeptically Challenged Podcast, and you’re invited to listen to that blast at your convenience.

I also wanted to remind everyone that every time somebody buys a copy of “Diatribes, Volume One: Fifty Essays from a Godless Misanthrope”, an angel gets his wings… and then gets them thumbtacked to a cork board for a fourth grade science project.  You’ll find links to buy both the ebook and the paperback at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Can’t shut it down without thanking Heath for boldly going where no abortion joke has gone before; I need to thank Lucinda for inexplicably failing to divorce me by now, I want to thank Paul from the Quranify Me podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote… and if you haven’t checked out his show yet, be sure to check the shownotes for a handy link.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most interesting persons of interest, Dave, Wayne, Derrick, Andrew, David, Mark, Allen, Matthew, Richard, Michael, Z and other Michael.  Dave, Wayne and Derrick, whose strength would be the standard unit of measurement horses would use if horses built cars; Andrew, David and Mark, whose erections are engorged with enough blood to feed a family of vampires on Thanksgiving; Allen, Matthew and Richard, whose cocks are so big even Galactus just works the tip; and Michael, Z and other Michael, whose names god calls out when he comes.

These twelve well-meaning, well-endowed well-wishers have swelled our well-being this week by giving us money.  Giving us money takes courage, dedication and two and a half to three minutes, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but you forgot the combination to your mattress, you can also help us out by leaving us a review on iTunes or Stitcher or other places as you see fit.  Also, sharing our show on Facebook and Twitter and stuff is a great way to prune the humorless asshats.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

Episode 58 – Partial Transcript

March 27, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.  An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)

Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new line of Catholic faux-phylactics: Decepticondoms DNA Incubators (From the makers of Kingdom Cum Perforated Rubbers)

So for the ladies that are having trouble maintaining those fruitful multiplication numbers or cursed with a husband that’s way too socially responsible, don’t race to the garbage can; try  Decepticondoms: Specially incubated for successful unborn retrieval for up to 48 hours.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s March 27th,

And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York

And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,

  • We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,

  • And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do.  Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead.  But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.

But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave.  Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died.  But I’m not heartless.  I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone.  And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety.  But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.

It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.”  It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool.  And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps.  I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.

Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes.  We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact.  He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.

Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian.  He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish.  He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.

But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him.  It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using.  And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief.  According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin.  Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.

And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch.  The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks.  Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.

They also make sure to point out how small the church was.  Only 40 active members.  100 at it’s height.  And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers.  Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.

So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith?  I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit?  Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”.  There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.

Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either.  If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?

Doesn’t matter.  The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler.  And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion?  And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to play ball?

Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500

Fair enough.  In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”.  The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act.  Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions.  The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.

And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives.  First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented.  Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will.  That’s it!!!  Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive.  The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.

One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion.  Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds.  And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.

Good point … People are corporations too.  

The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.

Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception

And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.  

If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.

Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …

And they wouldn’t have.  But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.    

This is such a confusing story.  The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…

So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious.  It’s like their own little triangular trade.  And against all odds, it might be more offensive.  Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.

German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html

And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.

At least they chose cars.  Classy move.  Way less rapey than vans.  As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.

After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman.  Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.

Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least?  Fun size is bullshit.  If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!  

Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.

Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/

And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces.  Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)  

I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.

Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.

Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.

Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin.  If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.

I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that.  Anyway, you were saying…

So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.”  I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny.  Just a cool trick.”  She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!”  Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words.  It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child.  Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.”  There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.”   When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.  

Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/

And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos.  They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.

(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!

In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”

What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.

Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries.  Go!

Let There Be Spinal Tap!

Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity

When We Were 2 Kings

MythTrusters

Global Forming: A Convenient Lie

Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”

Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”

The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology

Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”

The X-tra Chromosome Files

Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep

Commuting With Dinosaurs

The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show

Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html

And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.  

And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.

At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …

Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.

The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.”  So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day.  It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch.  The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …   

There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it.  It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.

Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.

Pitch:

Does this ever happen to you?

(Sound FX montage)

Well we can’t help you with that.  But what we can help you do is become an official Scathing Atheist patron at Patreon (dot) com.

Patreon (dot) com is a fantastic service that allows you to give us money easier than ever before.  Signing up for as little as one dollar an episode, you can sleep comfortably, knowing that Noah won’t have to give quite so many handjobs for our bandwidth upgrade.  

I’ll still give just as many, but not because I have too.

Quality, not quantity, right?

Exactly.  But that’s not all!  Scathing Atheist patrons get a bevy of beneficial bonuses.  You see, every week we record between three and ten minutes of extra material that ends up on the cutting room floor.

These never-before-released minutes include expletives, puns, and a littany of verbosely-worded dick and fart jokes.

But these emission omissions can be yours when you become a Patreon Patron.  That’s ten to thirty percent more Scathing Atheist every week.  How much would you pay?

A million dollars!

But don’t answer yet…

Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.

But there’s even more.  You’ll also get the show as soon as it’s edited, rather than anxiously counting down the minutes until 8am eastern daylight time.

That sounds too good to be true!

But it isn’t!  For just one dollar per episode you get the unedited, director’s cut of every new episode and you get those episodes early.  Plus you get an outlandishly over the top compliment on the next episode.

But that’s not all!

Actually, that is all.

For one dollar per episode, sure.  But you can give us more than that.

That’s right Heath.  And the more you give, the more you get.

That’s right Noah.  If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.

But do I still get the over the top compliment, the longer episodes and the early releases?

You do.  But that’s still not all!

That’s right because you can also give us even more money.  If you donate at least five dollars per episode, we’ll also toss in a signed paperback copy of the new book.  Plus you’ll get advance copies of all the new Scathing Atheist presents books before they’re available to the public.

That’s sounds too good to be true.

I know!

Seriously… I don’t believe you.  That’s just too good a deal.

I know!

So how can we be certain that you’re not full of shit?

I guess you’ll have to check out our Patreon page and see for yourself.  That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.

It’s easy to set up a recurring micropayment.  Macropayments are equally easy.  Enter your information once and Patreon will bill your credit card or Paypal account once per month.  You can even set up a limit in case you’re afraid we’ll release 106 episodes one month just to fuck you out of a lot of money.

And remember, if you were a Patreon Patron, this segment would end with Heath saying “Turtle Fucker” three times in a funny voice.  But if you’re not, it just ends with me saying this sentence.

Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.

Babble – Esther:

Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all.  Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written.  It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.

But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.

So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

So what did you think of Esther?

It was weird.  It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story,  but who gives a shit?

Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle.  So why don’t you start us off?

  1. Sure.  The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet.  At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.

    1. She refuses and that causes a huge scandal.  Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.

  • Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes.  So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope.  That uppity bitch has got to go!!!

  1. So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.

    1. And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.

    2. The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.

  • And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad.  Smart move.

    1. But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.

  1. Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.

    1. Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust.  The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month.  After the playoffs.”

  • Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise.  There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.

  1. So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”

  • “The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich.  Could you please?  Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ???  Whenever you get a minute.  Not a huge deal.”

  1. She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.”  So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .

    1. Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship.  Every fucking time you turn around…

    2. So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it.  So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?

    3. Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s

  • Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”

  1. Chapter six was actually pretty clever.

    1. Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…

    2. Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him.  So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?”  And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine.  Then the king says, “Great idea!  Do that for the jew that you hate.”

  2. So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”  

  • “If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”

  • Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”

    1. So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.

  1. But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order.  Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.

  • And the Jews can plunder now.  That was in the fine print of chapter 8.  They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on.  Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.

  • Don’t call it that.

  1. Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?”  And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?”  And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”

  • Yeah Esther became queen at 14.  Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits?  Seems to be a mitvah.  Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?

    1. And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.

    2. Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.

  1. And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.

  • And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …

This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well.  There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.

As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?

Well no, but at least some of the kings existed.  Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks.  We’re nearing the halfway point guys…

Just nearing?

Anyway, thanks as always.

 

Outro:

Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week.  Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.

Why May 2nd?  Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend.  The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke.  I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book.  Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.

I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff.  John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.

These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page.  If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week.  Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube.  If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

 

 

Episode 57 – Partial Transcript

March 20, 2014 4 comments

by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out to fill the time allotted)

Warning: This podcast contains adult language, and you better not tell.  And if you do, I will rip the heads off of all your stuffed animals.  I swear to god, I will!

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Muslim outreach program, “Million Man March Madness”.  Fill out your brackets and predict which faith will reign supreme in the coming Muslim inspired global religious war and you could win six dozen virgins of your choice.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday!

It’s March 20th!

And I’m not a breast man, or an ass man … as much as a throat man.

I’m Noah Lugeons

And I’m Heath Enwright and from “Oral Sexy” New York, New York

And “Moral Sexy” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • We learn that explosions above 110th street in Manhattan don’t count as terrorism,

  • We’ll find a Jewish holiday that doesn’t suck,

  • And Noah will fuck up the George Hrab interview.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

It seems like me and Russell Crowe’s mom are the only people on the planet looking forward to the new Noah’s Ark movie.  And no, it’s not because they named the movie after me.

Look, this is Darren Aronofsky here.  We’re talking about a guy whose movies to this point have been about a mathematician, an old lady on diet pills, a grieving biologist, a professional wrestler and a ballerina.  And all of them have been epic.  I’m guessing he can do something with a antediluvian zookeeper, too.

But clearly I’m in the minority and it seems like hating this movie is one of the few things that religious people and atheists can do together.  Everybody seems to have a reason, and the atheist reason is the least stupid, but it’s still stupid.

Christians are mad because the movie isn’t “historically accurate”.  I haven’t seen it yet (and neither have they), but if you’re keeping up with the buzz, clearly Aronofsky’s taking plenty of artistic license with the story.  I mean… he kind of has to, since the Bible devotes about 2000 words to the Noah story.  You can read the whole thing out loud in six minutes.  If he’d stayed true to the bible it would’ve been less of a feature film and more of a Vine.

Muslims are pissed about it because Noah’s a prophet and you’re not supposed to depict a prophet because they want to avoid the whole “fuckable Jesus” thing that Son of God touched off.  And I should say that I’m being damn liberal with my description of what’s pissing the Muslims off here; since I could just as easily have said, “Muslims are pissed off about it because it’s a thing and they’re Muslims.”

Jews haven’t come out against the movie yet, but as Bill Maher points out, they will when they see the Box Office returns.

So what about atheists?  Well, from what I can gather, a bunch of us are pissed off because it’s a movie about Noah’s Ark.  I’ve gotten messages from a number of our listeners lamenting the release of this film as yet another hyper-religious cinematic debacle on par with “Passion of Christ”, “Son of God” or “Man of Steel”.  “Do we need yet another big-budget, CGI enhanced sermon on the silver screen?”

I’ve surprised a lot of those listeners by telling them that I’ll be watching it on opening night… though I’ll probably have to drive out of town to see it.  I’m fired up to see what a brilliant director with a stellar cast and a giant vat of money can do with this fairy tale.  And I’m no more bothered by the religiosity of this movie than I am with the religiosity of Wrath of the Titans.  Biblical stories should be fable-fodder for film makers.

Look, I have issues with the Judeo-Christian religions, but their mythology is cool.  When we can look at Jesus and Satan the same way we look at Odin and Chronos, we’re done.  We win.  Pop the champagne.  And I look at this movie as a step in that direction.

Clearly we’re not there.  The fact that Paramount caved to the demands of the blithering Christies and added a disclaimer to the movie against Aronofsky’s will pisses me off to no end.  There was no disclaimer apologizing to vikings for the historical inaccuracies in “Thor: The Dark World” and Jesus doesn’t deserve any better.

But when I hear atheists denounce this movie for its religiosity, that strikes me as petty.  There might be plenty of great reasons to denounce this flick and I fear I’ll know what they are on March 29th, but Darren Aronofsky, in addition to being one the most visionary directors in a generation, is an atheist.  He didn’t make this movie to preach the gospel.

In fact, knowing his penchant for dark, disturbing stories, I’m willing to bet that he made this movie because the source material is the most diabolical story known to humanity.

But I’ve got a guess here, and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt, but I don’t think any Christians are really getting pissed about the (airquote) historical inaccuracies.  I think they’ll be okay with the fiery sword and the flaming angels and stuff.  What’s really gonna rile them up are the accuracies.  If you think about all the horror, destruction and waterlogged corpses that make up the flood myth, this thing could make Requiem for a Dream look like a Disney Movie with an ass to ass dildo scene.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is “no longer suspected of racism” Heath Enwright.  Heath, how do you feel?

I love black people!!!

Must I now show you the money?

Podcasting is all about the Georges and Abes.  In our lead story tonight, from the “Mysterious Ways” file, God fire-bombed an East Harlem church, killing eight people (including five parishioners), yet local Christians remain faithful, because they found an old bible in the rubble.  Several Kindle copies were also recovered.  So luckily, the rare information isn’t lost forever.   

Yeah, New York god does that shit.  He’s like, “Yeah, whadda ya gonna do? Three thousand souls in a terrorist attack?  Sorry about that, but did you notice the little cross I made in the wreckage?”  So I’m just saying there’s precedent.

Let’s ignore – for the moment – the fact that religious people exhibit the psychoses of domestic abuse victims … I won’t even mention that … Instead, let’s try to figure out what it means that several large, glass dildos were also found in the wreckage, completely intact.  Could this be evidence that a second coming is imminent?!?  Finish times are near???

God kills 8 in NYC explosion, saves bible: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/uptown/decades-old-bible-east-harlem-church-survives-blast-article-1.1723125

And in “Edited to fill the Space Time Odyssey Allotted” news, an Oklahoma Fox affiliate is facing criticism over some impromptu local editing to the Cosmos remake.  In episode one of the new series, my second favorite living astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson took a minute to talk about evolution, but you wouldn’t know it if you were watching KOKH Fox 25, as the station chose to accidentally interrupt this moment of the show with a promo for a news story about a professional redneck killing things with a bow.

How do you censor a science program about evolution?!?  Blur out the beaks of the finches?!?

Oklahoma viewers say the second episode, which was all about evolution, was free of interruption, though many of them criticized the show for spending too little time on biological diversity and too much time on Shirley Temple hanging out with her curmudgeonly grandfather in the Swiss Alps.

OK Fox affiliate cuts references to evolution from Cosmos Broadcast: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/oklahoma-station-cut-cosmos-evolution-video_n_4958024.html?&ir=Religion&ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000055

And in “Allah Carte Only” news, Saudi cleric Saleh al-Fawzan figured out why Muslims kept going to hell, so he declared a fatwa banning all-you-can-eat buffets.  Basically, everything that happens in Vegas … is illegal in Riyadh.  And it’s the gambling – not the gluttony – that makes the buffet unkosher.  Essentially, the restaurant is betting against the Cool Hand Luke-ability of each patron to eat crazy amounts of buffet food, like – for example – fifty hard-boiled eggs.

I can think of plenty of good reasons to avoid buffets, but the sinful failure to itemize the expenditure doesn’t make my list.  Must be nice to live in a country that has all the real problems fixed so they can focus on meaningless bullshit.

Right, it’s not like they’ll be a completely useless desert in 50 years.  Anyway, according to Musa Furber – another Muslim scholar who also possesses fatwa powers: (quote) “The Sheikh’s reasoning is that the value and quantity of what is sold should be pre-determined before it is purchased.” (end quote) … But that’s stupid, because “all-you-can-eat” is a pre-determined amount.  And … That’s an impossible standard for everyone, not just buffets.  How many dead crabs in each bowl of bisque?  What’s the milligram weight of a parsley dusting?  How many salt grains on a margarita glass?  

38,606.  Not sure on the parsley or the crabs, though.

One more question … When Saudi royalty hijacks the entire national oil industry to pay for their shitty sober yacht parties … And then makes billions on top of that from sales and trading in the oil market … And then tricks its citizens into being okay with not sharing the enormous profits by running a brain-crushing theocracy … Is that what the Koran intended in their commerce clause?

Saudi cleric declared anti-buffet Fatwa: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/15/buffet-ban-fatwa-saudi-cleric_n_4971190.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Sub-Zero Wins” news tonight, the followers of Indian Guru Ashutosh Maharaj insist that their leader is in deep meditation despite the fact that he’s both dead and frozen solid.  Despite medical confirmation of his death, his followers insist that he’s in a deep form of meditation that traditionally begins with three deep breaths and a massive coronary.

Well these men are nihilists, which is exhausting. Death? Infinite Ice Nap? Are we splitting hairs?  

It’s worth noting that there’s probably more to this than stupidity.  Apparently there have been accusations that the followers are claiming he’s still alive in an effort to maintain control of property owned by the guru.  Which is exactly the plot of Weekend at Bernie’s.

But these guys really thought it out pretty well.  If the dead guy just has to sit still inside an ice block and meditate, they don’t have to pull off all the whacky dancing antics.  Bad movie, but a good con.  It’s like an awful David Blaine trick as an entire movie.  It’s a David Blaine show.

Followers insist their dead, frozen guru is “just meditating”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/14/dead-frozen-indian-guru-ashutosh-maharaj-is-just-meditating-followers-insist/

And in “Hanukkah of St. Patrick’s Day” news, Israelis get wasted for Purim, so the National Police carried out raids on kiosks, clubs, and parks last Saturday, to prevent the illegal sale of drugs and alcohol to all the young partygoers that somehow have vices, despite god.

And those Hassidic stoners are hard core.  Have you ever seen kosher cocaine?  Plus they can’t use fire on the Sabbath so they have to mainline most of their shit.  And their needles are curly.

Coincidentally, this holiday finds its Biblical origin in the book of Esther, and it’s therefore a mitzvah to read Esther this time of year.  So like it or not, Yahweh owes us one mitvah credit, because we’ll be talking about that very book on next week’s Holy Babble.  I’m hoping to save up mitzvah credits, and redeem them for the giant stuffed Moses.

If we pool ours together we might be able to get a plague of locusts… which would be awesome at a revival.

According to a genuine Jewish person, who learned this from a Rabbi … Another part of Purim tradition – beyond drunken debauchery – involves eating a vagina-inpsired cookie called hamentashen.  I’m a feminist … Let’s roll with it …

30 seconds on the clock for “Genital-Inspired Holidays and Their Related Foods”

The… what?  Alright, that’s hard… you go first.

Yeah it’s a weird one … The hamentashen works better as a tradition for Gash Wednesday …

PuRim Jobs, on the other hand, call for Felch’s Grape Jelly.

Tits-mas – Milk and coochies.

All Taints Day – Drizzlings of Warm Papal Syrup

St. Fat Dick’s Day – No food, of course; but the traditional drinks would be Cocke’s Single Malt or maybe a Pud-weiser.

Yanksgiving – Cans Full of Manberry Sauce

Which immediately precedes Hairy Palm Sunday – Jerked Chicken

Swalloween – And the tradition would be Twizzlers as a felching straw? Jizzlers. (…)

How about the Jewish celebration of Ass-over where they Harvest Pudding from Matzo Balls?

Twinko De Mayo – Cream Filled Hostesses

Vaginese New Year – Twat and Sour Soup

Girth Day – Gapin’ Egg and Cheese

Rama-dangly Bits – But there’s no food because you’re not supposed to swallow.

Israeli police raid drug and alcohol kiosks to curtail Purim partying: http://www.jpost.com/National-News/Police-mark-Purim-with-kiosk-drug-and-youth-drinking-raids-345522

And on that fatwa bait, we’ll close out the headlines for tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

Jew-Manji!

And when we come back, George Hrab will cause me to go all unwittingly fanboy.

Outro:

Before we blow out the candles tonight I wanted to issue two apologies and a correction.  A few weeks ago I declared Dave our most generous donor of all time without realizing that David also donated on the same week which led to a bit of confusion, especially after I played a Farnsworth quote from David who mistakenly thought he was our most generous donor of all time.  So I want to apologize to both Dave and David for all the confusion.  I also want to apologize to everyone for the confusing apology.

I also wanted to update everyone on the status of the diatribe book.  It should still be available on the day this episode is released, though it might not be available until late in the day.  It’ll be on e-book retailers across the interwebs and we’ll have all the info on how to purchase your copy on the website so keep up with us there or look for it online “The Scathing Atheist Presents: Diatribes, Volume One; 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”

Also, if you don’t subscribe to our YouTube channel you’re missing out.  We just posted the first illustrated version of Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids, complete with animated ass-hamster so I strongly encourage you to check us out there.  You can find a link on the shownotes to this episode, on our Facebook page, on our Twitter timeline and, of course, our YouTube channel.

Wanna wish a happy birthday to friend of the show Wesley from the Atheist Nomads podcast, who has grown quite adept at orbiting the sun over the years.  Happy birthday bro, here’s to many more.

Of course I have to thank Heath for his Occam’s Razor sharp wit, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show and I need to toss out one more big thanks to the funkiest caucasian from the Caucasus, George Hrab.  Once again, you’ll find links to his music, his podcast and more on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

http://www.geologicpodcast.com/

Also need to thank Tanner Campbell of the No God Cast Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  He’s doing some really innovative stuff with fundraisers, secular partnerships and community building so I’d strongly encourage you to check out his show, which you’ll also find linked on the shownotes for this episode.

http://nogodcast.com/

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s best people; Tim, Wesley, April, Kenny, Howard, Steve, David, Shelby, Vinne, Geoff, Cliff, Liam, Jeffrey and Aiden.  Tim and Wesley, whose erections are measured on the Mohs Scale; April and Kenny, whose very proximity is considered a performance enhancing drug; Howard and Steve, who kill up to 99.9% of harmful bacteria on contact; David and Shelby, who are so intriguing Waldo looks for them; Vinnie and Geoff, whose orgasms register on seismometers; Cliff and Liam, whose swordsmanship continue to keep the interdimensional invaders at bay; and Jeffrey and Aiden, who are so sexy the very mention of their surnames just made 8% of our audience come.

These fourteen noble and valiant souls have earned their way into both my heart and my outro this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the combination of generosity, sophistication and raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you have what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

A number of people have also contacted us to see if they can support us through Patreon (dot) com.  We’re setting up an account there this week so we’ll have more details on episode 58, along with more details on where and how you can buy the book.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 55 – Partial Transcript

March 6, 2014 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.

Link to Episode

Warning: The explicit language in this podcast is starting to rub off on the pope.

 

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Hindu sex worker industry of South Asia.

For live shows, come on down to The HinDude Ranch.  And if you want to get laid in your second life, visit our brother and sister websites; FudgePakistan.com and PunjabPoonJobs.com

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday…

It’s March 6th,

And Christian Mingle for godless, horny geriatrics should be called RadiocarbonDating dot com

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Black History Forgotten” New York, New York,

And “Black History Still Embraced” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • The pedophile ISN’T Catholic … Just kidding.  He’s obviously Catholic.

  • We’ll hit you up for money at the end of the show,

  • And conception got pushed back again.  It used to occur at orgasm, then it was the third pump (if applicable), and now it officially happens retroactively at puberty.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I picture a group of people sitting around in hell.  One says, “Yeah, I shot my wife” and another one says, “I burned down an orphanage” and the third says, “I baked a cake for some queers”.

Luckily, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer forestalled the national embarrassment of SB 1062 with a last minute pang of cognizance.  But we were still one crayon-scrawled signature away from a state redacting humanhood for three and a half percent of their population.  Or maybe two point two percent… I don’t know if bisexuals cakes are as sinful as gay cakes.

The law, which passed through both state houses and probably would have been signed into law if not for a tsunami of national media attention, would have allowed anyone the right to discriminate against anyone, provided the bigotry was based on (quote) “a sincerely held religious belief.”

We’ve heard that phrase a lot on this show.  A lot of laws that try to find a way to legally protect homophobia and misogyny under the auspices of religious freedom and the only thing that makes SB 1062 noteworthy is that it got one step closer than most.  There’s a huge national effort to build a big wall of bibles to hide behind when we secularists come to take away their god given right to hate men who love men.  And women who love women.  And… women.

And I’m gonna give the religious people a little more credit than most.  Because I don’t think religion is the source of the bigotry at all.  I think these people are just good old fashioned bigots and Jesus makes for a willing scapegoat.  Anti-civil rights legislation was largely cloaked in religious liberty, but today the people who have those same religions generally don’t hate the coloreds.  It wasn’t that religion was making them racist.  They were just racists and religion was providing cover.

And therein lies the problem.  As Anne Lamott points out, god hates all the same people you do, so hate can always hide behind religion.  In fact, as soon as you invoke the words “religious liberty” you can hide anything back there you damn well please.  To you and me, “religious liberty” means the freedom to practice one’s religion, but these theocrats are desperately trying to redefine it; to make it mean “freedom to do whatever the hell I want, regardless of the law, so long as Jesus”.

And of course, since Jesus can’t chime in, religions doctrines can’t be tested against reality and faith can’t be measured, that makes it a legal panacea.  Don’t want to serve gays?  Religious liberty.  Don’t want to rent to an unwed couple?  Religious liberty.  Don’t think people should have recreational orgasms?  Religious liberty.

It’s impossible to miss the smell of bullshit here.  If you define religious liberty the way they’re trying to define it, nobody would fight for it.  The bible tells me to murder my disobedient children, stone people to death for working on Saturday and sacrifice bulls at the altar.  According to the Arizona legislature, that would all be perfectly legal as long as I sincerely believed it.

Not only does this provide the legal justification of shit like SB 1062, but it also provides the psychological justification.  If you take away the god nonsense and force somebody to explain their objection to gays or gay marriage or gays eating at restaurants; pretty quickly they have to come face to face with an ugly part of themselves.  But as long as you can retreat to Leviticus you don’t have to bother with real morality.

And people act like this is some intractable problem.  How can you balance religious freedom and the interests of the secular state?  How can we ensure that everyone’s rights are protected?  They act like those are hard questions to answer, but if everybody just had to follow the same rules, the problem disappears.  Just get rid any law that is contingent on a religious belief and we’re in the clear.  If it’s illegal to suck a baby’s cock, it’s just illegal to suck a baby’s cock.

Seriously, is anybody actually arguing that the use of psychedelics is less dangerous if you think they’re carrying you into the spirit realm?  Does anyone believe that bigotry is less dangerous if you think it’s divinely sanctioned?

Nobody wants to carry this all the way, of course.  Even the rampaging bigots in Arizona draw the line at the United Methodist Church of Methamphetamines, so what they’re asking, nay, demanding the government do, is get in the business of deciding what does and doesn’t count as a religious belief.  And I can’t imagine anybody wants that.

 Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the oft-misunderstood Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to help everyone better understand the Scathing Atheist Satire System?

When I say things that sound sexist or racist … that part is satire.  My true opinion on this issue is that women and non-white people – as groups – are generally much better people than men and white people.

Yeah, that should free up some time at the complaints department.  Appreciate that.

In our lead story tonight, Seventh Day Adventist parents Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene admitted to something known as “secular manslaughter”, after causing the death of their five-month-old son by giving him rickets, and then refusing him rickets medicine.

How prehistoric do your views on medicine have to be to get rickets?  That’s a fucking old-timey disease.  That’s like dying of “the summer complaint” or milk leg.

Exactly. (Milk Leg!!!) … Two important points: Yes it’s really easy to prevent rickets: Don’t be an infant who is a vegan with no vitamin D in your diet.  And yes, it’s easy to treat rickets … Vitamin D.  It’s also now very easy to prevent polio, amoebic dysentery, and plague.  Diseases that killed you on the Oregon Trail, shouldn’t be a threat anymore.  If your kid dies of cholera, why were you bathing him in a dirty puddle?!?  Or you should have just caulked the wagon.  Your fault.  

And they’ve made a lot about this vegan diet that the parents were on, but I don’t know why.  There are plenty of vegan options for a five month old, provided you don’t also sequester them from medicine and try to stupid the malnutrition away instead.

Here’s a statement from Justice Singh, who apparently had to explain his reasoning when he ruled that when you murder your child because you’re stupid, it has to be at least a little bit illegal: (quote)

Did he just say “fuckin duh?”.  I’m betting “fucking duh.”

“The law respects the right of everyone to freedom of thought and belief.  However the right to manifest one’s religion is not absolute. It is limited in particular by the rights of others. The state has a particularly important duty to protect the right to life, especially when a young child is concerned.” (end quote)

So besides turning pro-life rhetoric against religion (tastes bitter doesn’t it), the Justice makes an extremely important distinction, that is really the crux of every argument about this.  You can think and believe whatever you want, but you can’t manifest those beliefs in ways that threaten the lives of others, especially five-month-old children that are yours!!!

I noticed he also said that the couple’s views on Seventh Day Adventism were (quote) “very extreme and do not reflect the official doctrine of the church” (end quote) as though this absolves the religion from any wrong doing.  Sorry, your honor, but anybody who pretended god existed or prayer did stuff has at least a little of this kid’s blood on their hands.

That’s right.  A little bit of small pox infested infant blood on your hands.  Can’t feel as good as you thought it would.  Because you build it up as this great thing in your head.  Inevitable letdown.

Parents jailed after trying to pray away baby’s fatal disease: http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/feb/28/parents-jailed-manslaughter-baby-rickets

And in “I’d Never Have Molested Them if You Aborted Them” news tonight, the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is blaming a mother for allowing her children to be molested by one of their priests.

Well, he was a priest…

Reverend Curtis Wehmeyer, who I’ll grant couldn’t look more like a kiddie-diddler without a Pee-Wee Herman suit, molested two of her sons, age 12 and 14 and, upon discovering that the archdiocese knew he was a sexual predator before they hired him, she sued.  And apparently they’re going with the “what kind of responsible parent would leave her kids with a Catholic priest?” defense.

Corollary to the “What kind of God would allow 12 and 14-year-old kids to be raped, without letting their mother win a large settlement which correctly puts a dollar value on the consent virginity and regular virginity of a child” … defense.

The mother was an employee of the church and felt that Wehmeyer (quote) “needed some friends” (end quote).  So that nobody could mistake them for just half-assed evil, the archdiocese refused to let her use sick days or vacation days to care for her kids after this all came to light.  What’s more, they reneged on a promise to pay for the kid’s therapy and they cut her hours back.  And then they went to her house and ripped her kitten to pieces in front of her and pissed on her rug.

Minnesota diocese blames mom for letting her kids get molested by their priest: http://www.alternet.org/belief/outrageous-church-blames-mother-pedophile-priest-molesting-her-two-sons

And in “Praising the Steaks” news, the Kentucky Baptist Convention is promoting what they call “Second Amendment Celebrations”, encouraging churches to give away dead cow slices and deadly firearms to local heathens, if they’re willing to open a trial account with God.  And despite nearly everyone in these flyover areas already owning livestock and murder weapons, the soul bribery seems to be working.   

What’s funny is that in a way this reminds me of the story we covered a couple weeks ago about the racist “black history month” lunch menu.  Because “Steak and guns” is probably the white trash equivalent of offering black people watermelon and cornbread.  Except in this case the race being stereotyped is too stupid to realize it.

Their plan – reportedly labeled “outreach to rednecks” by a spokesman – sounds a lot like animated wabbit hunting … Luring godless Tea Partyers under a box, floating them by their nose with the cartoon smell of animal blood and gun oil, and then knocking the stick out that holds the box up.

Ooh… piece of candy.

Also, I’d like to preserve any extra half-minute segments we might have, so I’ll just quickly add, that a redneck meat retailer slash arms dealer should be called “Pistol Peter Luger”, “Beefed-Up Security”, or “Wal-Mart”.

Glad this is working, because plan B was the Duck Dynasty sex tape giveaway.  And if you thought their facial hair was nasty…

Steak and guns for Jesus: http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20140228/FEATURES10/302280129/Kentucky-Baptists-use-gun-giveaways-lure-unchurched-men-Christ?nclick_check=1

And in “Bowing toward Megatron” news, an Iranian school teacher has developed the perfect Muslim; an unthinking automaton that does nothing useful and prays five times a day.  Akbar Rezaie, who teaches mythology and doesn’t realize it at an elementary school in the Iranian town of Varamin has recently unveiled a small humanoid robot that he created to help teach children how to properly appease Muslim God.

If you follow the Koran and get to the Allah-Spark, you get 72 unused Sybian machines.  Brand spankin’ new.   

Rezaie hopes his robot will help make prostrating oneself before an invisible warlock “cool” again.  Some people have criticized him for using cutting edge science to promote the opposite of science, but those allegations clearly overlook what a low-tech piece of shit his little robot really is.

What’s the robot’s name? … HALal 9000??? …

Also, I’d like to quickly note that the evil computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey” has the same name as Halliburton’s ticker symbol.

I’ll alert Alex Jones immediately.

Iranian teacher makes Prayer-bot: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/iranian-school-teacher-builds-robot-to-teach-children-prayers-9154038.html

And in “Catholic GeStopHo” news, an anti-prostitution operation in Phoenix, Arizona called Project ROSE is detaining suspected sex workers at a local church, and forcing them to choose between religious propaganda class and jail.  And that’s a tough call, considering it’s risky to drop the soap at either venue.

Tough call… I don’t want Jesus inside me, but I don’t want Jesús inside me, either.

The orgasm specialists who wish to avoid prison must complete a 36-hour Jesus sexuality class, which teaches great ideas like prostitutes not using condoms.

(Or getting abortions)

In order to pass the program – which has a reported 30% graduation rate – the accused must also display sufficient amounts of sadness and shame.  All sounds awful and stupid, but there is some good news … The First Amendment says the police have to wrangle whore-interns for atheist clubs too.  

Now you tell me.

As long as we’ve got a bunch of sex workers forced into cages at church … The stage is set … And also, in honor of the Oscars last weekend … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Porn Parodies of Best Picture Nominees” … GO!!!

Okay, but first I want to thank god for giving me an award I don’t deserve rather than curing the disease the movie was about in the first place.  And of course, the movie I’m referring to is The Phallus Buyers Club.

Good movie to watch with a cocktail …

What about: 12 Years Old A Slave

Topical.  How about Little Mister Sunshine?

Kneeling in the Confessional Booth: Tales From The Squirt Locker

Diddler on the Roof… On the Roofies?

In the Shame of the Father  

Fetal Attraction

Semen on the Brokeback Mount

The Maltese Fuckin’

The, uh, stuff that wet dreams are made of …

Lord of the Cock Rings Third Leg: The Second Coming of the King

Father Cassidy and the Un-pantsed Kid

The Father’s the Butch, and the kid’s the bitch …  

50 Shekels of Silver Linings Playbook

Starring Jennifer Lawrence of the Labia?

Good climax, but it’s missing something … Might be “Consent of a Woman”

A Vicar Named Desire?

This doesn’t really count, but you’re gonna want some Schindler’s Listerine on set.

The Pleasure of the Sierra Padre

Working on a double, for the bonus points  in Splatter-gories …

The Fugitive Priest: Around the World in 80 Gays

Million Dollar Baby-Fucking Settlement

Finding Neverland Ranch: The Kids Are All Tight

I think I already used “Priests of the Southern Child” for something, didn’t I?

You can reuse them.  Okay one more try at the double bonus …

Vishnu’s Avat-Argo Fuck Yourself??? … I’ll show myself out.

Sex workers can have church or jail: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/28/project-rose-offers-sex-workers-a-choice-church-or-prison/

That’s alright, the band was playing us off anyway.  So I guess that’ll do it for headlines this week, Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here to give you a double dose of biblical boredom.

 Skit:

Hilarious email that I got this week that I absolutely had to share.  If this is legit, and it honestly looks like it is, it’s from Ray Comfort.  Apparently he’s aware of some aspects of our show and not others and he sent me this really complimentary message about how important it is for atheists to read the bible and how he’s sure Jesus will reveal himself to me along the way.

In fact, I guess he was so impressed by our commitment to get a broader perspective on the bible, he wanted to do, you know, whatever the theistic equivalent would be.  Try something out that he dislikes and disagrees with in order to widen his perspective on it.  So I guess him and Ken Ham got together and tried out gay sex.

And, as luck would have it, they were nice enough to send me audio of that erotic encounter.

I’m Ken Ham

Hi, I’m Ray Comfort

Well good evening.

When I arrived you had a hotel for me and a fruit basket

Oh he’s tall and muscley

Say that again?

He’s tall and he’s handsome and he’s the star. I’d really like to go out with him.

Thank you

Why do we wear clothes?

Well we all do that

See unless they’re taken off…

Can I just stop you there?

Don’t be intimidated.

There’s nothing I have to look at and say I’m embarrassed.

When it’s okay, whip it out.

Behold!

That’s a pretty big number, isn’t it?

How can you look at this beautiful creation and not give praise?

It’s enormous!

Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand

A perfect creation

There’s a point at the top for easy entry and it’s just the right shape for the human mouth.

We weren’t told we could eat meat.

It’s even curved toward the face to make the process easier.

Yet another poke in the eye.

The contents don’t squirt in your face

But you don’t know and there’s a lot of evidence that that’s not so.

Okay it’s my turn

Check it out

There’s nothing I have to look at…

You don’t see that?

No I don’t.

I’m sort of little

Your dick.  It’s this magic wand of nothing.

It’s not the outside that matters, it’s the inside.

Sir, this is a very important issue.

Now I want you to look at my point.

Well I said it was pathetic when I started

And what I want to show you is how this works.

Could you explain it to me?

This is where it comes from, right here.

That’s common sense.

Even if you’ve got a dead stick.

But you’re… you’re sprung.

There’s a book out there… With this diagram… They’re sitting one on top of the other

Why?

To make it gay

Tell me why

You’ll learn the lesson the hard way

If you could put your finger on…

No no no no no

Here’s a fork, stick it in there

But there’s limits.

Anything that fits.

No.  We’re gonna look at dogs to help us understand this

I’ve gotta get to the bottom of this.

You know there was plenty of room.

Okay here it is

Okay, Alright 

Oh, god!

Oh… oh…

And it’s a little difficult

It’s easy if you try

(Oh’s, Gods and Lords)

Wow!

This is so radical it’ll blow your mind

Of course it is

Sir I can’t go on, my brain is full

You have to let me finish

Would you come?

I came

You’re an animal.

Put another notch in my belt.

Why haven’t we already done this?

 

Babble:

Originally, the books of Ezra and Nehemiah were a single book and remain intact in the Hebrew Bible, which is odd, because the Hebrews aren’t really known for leaving things intact.  Anyway, since they’re both short and they more or less tell a linear story, we elected to double up this week and give you twice the Babble.

Anything that gets us through it quicker.  So in honor of Noah turning thirty-mumble, we decided to party hard with our Hebrew Lit Book Club.  So happy birthday Noah!!!

And joining us, of course, in this masochistic endeavor is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

We always meet under the worst circumstances, the three of us..

Alright, so when we last left our intrepid heroes, they were scraping their way out of exile in Babylon.

  1. Thanks to the good King Cyrus.  He sends word to all the Jews that they can go back to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, and he even gives back all the vessels of the house of the lord that Nebuchadnezzar stole

  1. And apparently as they were reinhabiting the promised land they went through an amusement park  turnstile and somebody checked IDs or something because in chapter two we get a precise headcount.

  • You approach the turnstiles leading into the ancient Jerusalem circus, and you know that when you get there, you have to give the man 2 shekels or he won’t let you in. But when you get there, everything goes wrong …  

“Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine.”

  1. First things first, they celebrate Sukkot and then get to work rebuilding their temple.

  • The Sukkot tents doubled as a circus venue.  

  1. But the man always be holdin’ ‘em down.  They start trying to build their temple but then the kids from the “cool” fraternity show up and start making trouble for them, so they have to stop.

  • “So you guys remember that Jewish tribe we enslaved, that we definitely can’t trust because we enslaved them after centuries of genocidal warfare? … Well Cyrus let them start building a giant God Castle again.  Could be real God.  Our prayers don’t do shit.  Is this something we need to worry about?”

  1. And you can tell that the bronze age FCC was getting on their ass about all the wars and genocides in season one, because when shit hits the fan in Ezra we get a vigorous letter-writing campaign.

  • I was hoping they would address the paperwork situation.  Because building a temple, to an exotic God, without a permit, with- …

  • Within the Jerusalem city limits.  That ain’t legal either.

  • I thought this was Trans-Euphrates?!?  Are we not in Trans-Euphrates?!?

  1. Eventually the Jews find all the necessary receipts and what-not and get permission to finish their temple, which they do.

    1. And that’s great unless, of course, you’re a local bull, ram, lamb or goat, in which case you’ll be brutally slaughtered to appease Jew-God’s bloodlust.

  2. And now that we’re two thirds of the way through the book we meet the titular Ezra, who know his Mosaic law like nobody’s business.  And on the merit of this, King Artaxerxes gives him all of Jerusalem.

    1. And then all of a sudden we’re in the first person, which is odd.

  • Taking over as objective narrator in God’s book … The balls on this guy!!!

  1. So Ezra gathers a sufficient number of Jews, divvies up the cash, fast for a while and then head to the newly rebuilt temple.

  2. Then he makes it very clear to everyone that the reason god exiled them was obvious: They weren’t being racist enough.  So he make sure everyone knows to be extra racist this time around.

    1. He even says that they can’t see to the “peace and prosperity” of the neighboring tribes so you’re not even allowed to be just passively racist.

  • The Middle East is like the crazy kid in school getting tricked into fighting the even crazier other kid.  It’s a fun TV show for atheists … “Deluded Giant Squid vs. Equally Naive But Tribally Different Mega Shark”

  1. So to keep Jew god from getting pissy again, Ezra orders anyone who married a foreigner to send away their wives and children… 

  • And there’s even a detailed miscegeny list, with all the people who cheated and gave their kids illegal performance enhancers like dominant DNA.

So obviously Ezra just blew the right scribe to get his own book in the bible.  The same is almost certainly true of Nehemiah, whose claim to fame was building a wall where once there was only most of a wall.

  • 1.  Right.  First we meet Nehemiah, who spends chapter one shitting all over Ezra, basically.  They rebuilt the temple, so he decides to lament the fact that they didn’t also do the wall.

  • 2.  So Nehemiah is all bummed.  Meanwhile he’s landed this awesome gig “bearing the king’s cup” if you know what I mean.

    • So King Artaxerxes asks what he’s so bummed about, he tells him and the king’s like “Oh, here’s some lumber and stone.  Have at it.”

    • Then he inspects the wall, including the unfortunately named “Dung Gate”

    • Talk about using the rear entrance

    • And then you get some blatant evidence planting.  They’re working on the rebuild, and three rival officias – a Horonite, an Ammonite, and an Arab  – might as well walk into a Jewish bar, and ask Nehemiah if his crew is gonna rebel against the king.  So Nehemiah – as if wearing a wire – says: “Hello three people that represent the historical property rights of your entire future race, who agree that you have no claim, share, or historic right to Jerusalem whatsoever say-nothing-if-you-agree-forever-Done. Why do you guys care?!? “

  • 3.  And everybody goes out “Hands across Jerusalem” style and they all fix a little section of the wall.

  • 6.  And Sanballat, the mean-girl from a cheerleading movie of biblical villains, starts writing letters to Nehemiah telling him he’s gonna spread rumors about him and blow his boyfriend if he doesn’t stop building his wall.

  • 7.  And in case you missed the exhaustive list of which tribes all the returning exiles were from, we get it again in chapter seven.

    • If you want the book to be longer, just increase the margins, or the font size.  Or add some chapters about morality.  Or being reasonable.  Or a “how-to” guide on reading allegories.  Plenty of options.  

  • 8.  Then they all get together to love god and live in booths.

  • 9.  And to be honest, I’m half convinced that if you started reading the bible at chapter nine of Nehemiah, you wouldn’t have missed much.  Because Ezra spends this extremely long chapter going on and on about how awesome god is by rehashing most of the shit that’s happened so far in the book.

  • 10. Then he drives home the two main points of the last six or seven books: One, god needs you to kill a lot of goats for him, and two, don’t forget to be racist.  Whatever you do, don’t interbreed with any of those foreigners.

    • Yeah, let’s keep all these recessive genes to ourselves.

    • Withholding the blind, translucent, polydactyl piano prodigy.  Smart.

    • “Stay Pale on three!  One, two, three: STAY PALE!!!  Jew-Ra!!!”

  • 11. And lest you think we’re shitting you about how boring this book is, they spend chapter eleven telling which people moved to which towns as they repopulated.

    • “What?!?  I’m making a detailed list of all the Jewish people, and their addresses … How would this backfire?!?”

  • 12. And in a valiant effort to make chapter eleven seem interesting, they spend most of chapter twelve explaining who stood where during the ribbon cutting on their new wall.

  • 13. Nehemiah then makes the mistake of turning his back for a second and within a few days priests are setting up rooms for their old frat buddies in the temple, they’re working on the Sabbath, they’re marrying foreigners.

    • Yeah, so he beats them and pulls out their hair.

    • Literally – Handfuls of soul-less ginger clumps.

    • Heck of a guy that Nehemiah.

So yeah, in summary the Jews are back and they have a temple and a wall again.

That’s all they really needed to say.

Esther’s up next and that’s another short one but it’s gonna get it’s own segment in episode 58 because something tells me we’re gonna want to spend a whole episode on Job.  Anyway, thanks for bearing with it, guy and gal.

Outro:

Before we get played off tonight, I wanted to let everyone know about something I’m rather stoked about.  At the behest of a number of listeners I spent the last few weeks compiling the first fifty diatribes into book form.  Many of them have been rewritten or lengthened, and I’ve added a few paragraphs of introduction to each one so you can think of it as the director’s cut of the diatribes.  More than a third of the book is all new material and that should be available as an ebook on the twentieth of March.  We hope to have physical copies available by ReasonCon at the beginning of May.  We’ll be talking that up a bunch over the next couple of weeks.

And if you were hoping for a poem tonight, sorry about that.  It’ll be on next week’s show.  Part of that was to make room for the scandalous Ham/Comfort sex tape, but after some discussion with Heath and Lucinda we’re all of the mind that it generally makes more sense to do the bible poems after we’ve reviewed the books in question rather than before.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Between now and then I have to thank Heath for his continued commitment to excellence in excrement jokes; I need to thank Lucinda for all that she brings to the show and I need to thank David for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and for his incredible generosity.  Here’s hoping he sparked a bidding war to claim the title of our most generous donor ever.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans; Paul, Rebekah, Michael, Crystal, Andrew, Shane and Joel.  Paul, whose mighty fists serve as the primary backup system for the Large Hadron Collider; Rebekah, who’s such a badass she has to let alligators tag-team when she wrestles them; Michael, whose dick is so big it has Lagrangian points; Crystal, whose intellect is so vast it could hold two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean one; Andrew who’s too sexy to play Jesus; Shane, whose biceps are powerful enough to run the flux capacitor; and Joel, who’s so hot Stacy’s mom sings songs about him.

These bright, shining examples of altruism have earned their spot in my anti-Putin bunker this week by giving us money.  Only the smartest, strongest, sexiest secularists have what it takes to give us money, but if you feel like you’ve got all the requisite silibants, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And, of course, if you love the show but you spent your entertainment budget on Romanian vampire porn, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or whatever place you prefer to leave glowing podcast reviews.  And if you just can’t get enough of us, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube and check out our erratically published blog.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 54 – Partial Transcript

February 27, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains at-symbols, ampersands, pound signs and exclamation points.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Christian flavored brand of lion food; Kibble and Twits.  Every bag is fortified with 9 denominations and minerals.

Kibbles and Twits: Because Christians are gonna act like they’re being persecuted one way or the other.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 27th

And Dunkin’ Donuts has a new donut filled with cookie dough.  My stomach cancer just got diabetus.

Im Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Ray Felton can point and shoot” New York, New York

And “Anyone can point and shoot” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode:

  • Drive-by baptists hold super soakers sideways gangster style.

  • Malaysia does something dumb even for a country that arrests coconuts,

  • And gay people will go to hell.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

If you were ever curious what Heath, Lucinda and I look like, we can now offer you an answer to that question.  We appeared on the vlogcast “Holy Crap!” with friend of the show Shujin Tribble last week, and the episode is archived on You Tube and you can find a link to it, of course, on the shownotes for this episode.  I should warn you, though, that according to the feedback we’ve gotten so far, we’re younger, older, thinner, fatter, better and worse looking than you think we are.

But the reason I bring it up is that one of the questions that came up deserved a little more reflection than I could offer on the show.  Shujin was hosting a panel discussion and he posed us all a common question amongst atheists: What evidence would it take to convince you that there was a god?

I’ve heard all manner of answers to this question in the past.  Usually atheists offer some universally (or near universally) observable phenomenon; something that can be scientifically tested; something that would be unambiguous.  And when we offer this, we’re falling into the theists trap.  I remember listening to friend of the show and master-debater Justin Schieber answering this question by challenging god to write something in the sky by realigning stars.

This seems a reasonable request of an omnipotent being, but it elicited a laugh from the audience.  To the religious onlookers, it seemed like he was asking for a ridiculously high standard of evidence, even if they believed that what he was asking for was well within the purview of their god.

One of my favorite answers, and I’ll apologize in advance to whoever originated it, as I can’t recall where I first heard it, is that it’s a pointless question.  I might not know what evidence it would take to convince me that there is an all-powerful god, but by definition, god would.  He would obviously be capable of revealing his existence in a way that would convince me, even if no ready example of such an act comes to mind.

Normally I’d have gone with an answer similar to this, but I’d been mulling something over all day that I’d heard on the Thinking Atheist.  Seth Andrews, who has one of the best atheist podcasts on the interwebs, by the way, was doing an episode about “divine protection”.  He started by talking about that nincompoop snake-handler Heath and I discussed last week, and then went on to catalogue all manner of maladies that had befallen priests and preachers in churches; often during service.

He was pointing out, of course, that god was failing in his charge to protect the faithful.  Why wouldn’t god tell the snake handler “not tonight, bro”, or turn the poison into hemoglobin or something?  Why would a tornado hit a church full of devout worshippers and miss the crack house down the street?

I was thinking about all that while the other panelists offered the typical answers.  All good answers, mind you; things like running a chemical process in reverse; stopping all aircraft in flight at the same time; speaking to everyone in a language that they could all understand.

But when it came to my turn, I lowered the bar of evidence.  Instead of looking for what it would take to make a believer out of me, I looked at what it would take to move me into the “maybe” category.  What would it take to give me pause.  And when you look at the question like that, god’s job gets pretty damn easy.

So god, if you want me to stop doing this show, here’s all it would take: Show me evidence that churches are less likely to be hit by lightening.  Just show me unambiguous, verifiable data that shows that a place of worship is statistically less likely to get hit by lightening.  Or earthquakes.  Or hurricanes.  Show me evidence that devout people are less likely to get cancer than heathens.  Show me that people who are prayed for recover quicker than people who aren’t.  Show me just one tiny shred of statistically significant evidence that there’s a reason to even ask the question, “Is there a god?”

Look, I’m asking for almost nothing here.  Eternal life is something I’d be thrilled to be wrong about.  But even when you lower the bar of evidence all the way to the floor, god can’t slither over it.

 

Skit:

Ooh… slither over it, he says… that son of a bitch.  I hate that podcast so much!!

Don’t be so filled with hate, dad.  You’ve gotta learn to let go.  And I told you that adding free will in the beta version was gonna be trouble.

Shut up, Jesus!  Man, if I had some brimstone, I’d splatter that little twerp.

I told you not to use so much on the dinosaurs.

They were eating meat on Fridays!  I’d already shortened their arms to keep ‘em from beating off and they were still sinning!

I’m just saying you shouldn’t get yourself so worked up.

Jesus, I’ll crucify you again if you don’t back off.

Well it you’re so pissed about it, why don’t you just provide some evidence?  You know, divinely cure cancer or something?  Or any other single, tangible thing.  

Oh yeah, Jesus… really mysterious.  You’d make a terrible god.

(under his breath)…you make a terrible god.

What was that?!?

Pretty sure you heard me.

I’ll beat you like a red-handed stepchild!

You’re not my real dad!!!

It’s complicated.  I’m God.   And you’re my son.  And you’re  also God.   And then there’s this holy ghost.  And then there’s that guy Joseph I cuckolded.  But as long as you live in my universe, you live under my rules…

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is armchair intactivist Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to fight for the Jewish baby dicks?

Hey, circumcise matters.

In our lead story tonight, Denmark has passed a law banning the barbaric practice of Kosher and Halal slaughter in favor of the nominally less barbaric practice of knocking their brains around with that thing Javier Bardem had in No Country for Old Men.  The move has been applauded by animal rights minimalists all over the world, though vegans are still being kind of douchey about it.

And in Vonnegutian headline format: “On the scale of animal cruelty, a Kosher-One is a Slaughterhouse-Five.” … And yes, vegans are correct in pointing out that almost every meat supply chain is completely disgusting … But that sickly, feeble voice ruins everything they say.  Vegan Babies – Breakfast of Champions!!!

Kosher practices stipulate that an animal can’t be stunned before slaughter, must be killed with a single slit to the throat and must bleed to death afterwards.  According to primary sources, failing to meet with these strict dietary requirements can lead to being smited by brimstone, stricken with leprosy or condemned to wander in deserts for decades at a time.

How does a Jewish person even know that they’re getting legit Kosher stuff?  What if the cow has a coronary while it’s waiting on line?  Does the steakhouse give you an autopsy report?!?

Critics of the ban call it anti-semitic because you might as well play the cards you’re holding, but supporters point out that Denmark’s new law forbids the Kosher slaughter of Jewish cows and chickens as well.  Muslims, of course, are also getting all stupid about this because Allah copied his homework off of Jew-God.

Denmark bans Kosher and Halal animal torture: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2014/2/19/halal-kosher-slaughter-banned-in-denmark-as-minister-insists-animal-rights-come-before-religion

Who copied it off that Asian kid … And in “Charlatan North Carolina” news, Pastor Steven Furtick – of Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina – has written up a playbook for tricking large groups into getting baptised.  Wanting to up his scientific street cred, he borrows his techniques largely from Las Vegas stage hypnotists.  God is a numbers game for multi-national mega-church conglomerates like this one, so they keep track of these baptism stats like serial rapists keep notches on a headboard.

You told me that your cat did that…

I don’t have a cat- I mean I sometimes catsit for people- It doesn’t matter.  Moving on.  Among other disingenuous strategies, Furtick suggests that the church set up plants in the audience, to help start the momentum of consent to the pier pressure.  And to falsely inflate the apparent pious stupidity of younger generations, he suggests that the youngest plants run to the front of the “disgusting public bath line”, when the pastor announces the Mass Baptism Ambush.  This is also logistically better – he notes – because old people take forever to get changed into their water rape attire, which will tend to hold up the line.     

Why not a secret trap door like Sweeney Todd or Jabba the Hutt?  Or just have a pool party and when nobody’s looking you can bless the shallow end and dump in some of that fecal-matter infested holy water they love so much.

Considering how much they love to brainwash young people, I’m surprised they didn’t go with more of a Nickelodeon theme.  You ask everyone at the service a simple trivia question about Jesus, to which every baptised Christian would know the answer.  And then anyone in the audience who said “I don’t know” would have green slime (made with holy water) dropped on their head from above their pew.   

I am automatically friends with anybody who gets that joke.

Spontaneous Baptisms: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/is-anyone-really-surprised-by-elevation-churchs-spontaneous-baptisms

And in other North Carolina licking monkey spunk news tonight, Kalei Wilson, a 15 year old high school student in Canton, North Carolina, has been forced to abandon plans to start a secular student’s club after receiving death threats from all those “other cheek” turners we hear so much about.

Death threats?!?  Except for church, every club is a secular club.

Good point, but that didn’t stop the school from blocking her attempt to start the club on account o’ Jesus wouldn’t approve, but Wilson fought back with the help of the Secular Student Alliance, the Freedom From Religion Foundation and the ACLU.  Eventually the school realized they couldn’t win this legally so the Christians went with what they know; bullying.

They could have burned her at the stake.  The womens’ movement has taken small steps in this area.

In the latest chapter of this saga, the following message appeared on the group’s fundraising page yesterday: (quote) “It saddens us to report that due to the numerous threats and verbal attacks on Kalei along with the vindictive witch-hunt to hurt the reputations of affiliated groups and our family, Kalei will not be continuing with the group.”

So congratulations, Christianity.  You’ve bullied a teenage girl into abandoning something she fought tooth and nail for and has a legal right to.  Because, like Jesus said, “What you do to the least of my children is all good if it keeps some atheists from doing a bake-sale for the Foundation Beyond Belief”

What do these people think kids would do at a secular club?!?  

Well our Canton, North Carolina, listeners should be on the look out for a great deal on a cancelled baby buffet.

15 Year old receives death threats and cancels planned Humanist club: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/after-long-battle-to-form-high-school-atheist-group-student-bows-out-after-numerous-threats-and-verbal-attacks/

And in “How Many Lepers Do I Have to Hug to Counteract This?” news tonight, MedStar Washington Hospital Center’s Catholic Chaplain Brian Coelho is a callous bastard with a heart of lumpy pigeon shit.  According to heart attack patient Ronald Plishka, the Reverend refused him last rites upon learning that Plishka was gay.

Sorry but I have ZERO sympathy here.  If you believe in the teachings of Christianity, and you’re gay, then you already know that you’re going to hell.  So the deathbed slam poetry from the bigoted Reverend shouldn’t really matter to you, should it?!?   

The lumpy pigeon shit hearted bastard has refused opportunities to respond to these allegations, though the hospital has made it clear that if they prove true it would mean that Coelho is an asshole.

Okay, but I do see where the asshole’s coming from.  The gay guy’s about to die, and he’s trying to make some bullshit last-second promise to stop being gay for the next 10 living minutes.  If I’m the chaplain there, I’d be pissed about the loophole.  Maybe blow the guy at the last second before he dies for spite.  

Well as much as I’d love to join you in the sympathy boycott, there was a particular quote that tugged at my heartstrings.  Apparently Plishka got pissed off right afterwards and cussed at the priest on his way out the door.  Upon reflecting on this and the fact that he didn’t receive his cracker or whatever, he told reporters that (quote) “I’m thinking I’m going to rot in hell now […] I’m not perfect, believe me.  And I wouldn’t wish [being gay] on anyone.” (end quote).  So it wasn’t enough for this religion to ruin this dude’s life with their bigotry… they’re also hell bent on ruining his death.

Catholic Priest denies last rites to a gay dude: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/gay-patient-says-catholic-chaplain-refused-him-last-rites/2014/02/19/35d163f6-99b1-11e3-80ac-63a8ba7f7942_story.html

And from the “Nobody Cares About Malaysia Comma However” file: Newspaper printers in Malaysia averted disaster by censoring several images of entire naked pigs, that almost went to press in an International New York Times article.  Instead, the otherwise riot-inciting pig pics appeared with their faces blacked out.  Despite hearing the black face thing totally out of context, Al Sharpton, Nat X, and Jesse Jackson have already made angry, public, rhyming responses.  

Nat X, huh?  The man so black fireflies follow him around in the day time?  Awesome.  I love that it was the pigs faces they blacked out.  Were they looking particularly “come hither”?  Were they concealing the pig’s identities in case of retaliation?  I mean look, if they were censoring their pig-tits and pork swords that would still be fucking hilarious, but the eyes!?

There are rumors suggesting this may be a spiteful response by the Malaysian Muslims, to a recent incident in which a respected jihadist was denied entrance into a particular house of bricks, that even his explosives couldn’t blow down.  Reports suggest the inhabitant even made a derogatory remark, about the ridiculous pubic-like bush of hair on his (quote) “chinny chin chin” area.       

Yeah, but I hear that dude’s under suspicion as well.  In Malaysia it’s illegal to huff, puff and blow, so…

Crafty swine … Here’s a statement from the printing company: (quote) “This is a Muslim country so we covered the pigs’ eyes. We usually do that for the International New York Times – also for pictures of cigarettes, weapons, guns and nude pictures.” (end quote) … Censorship is stupid in general, but how did they come up with that list of exactly 4 things?!? … Can everyone fill in the bubble under the one that doesn’t belong?  Cigarettes, weapons, porn, Charlotte’s Web.     

Weapons, cigarettes,  and porn, eh?  Like I said, huff, puff and blow.

Malaysian Printer puts black censor bars over pig’s faces.  And yes, really: http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/jan/23/censorship-malaysia

And in “Rock out with your flock out” news tonight, we bring you the story of Allen Parker, a Virginia pastor who prefers to praise Jesus with his metronome swinging.  Parker has invited his congregants to worship with him each Sunday in the nude, citing biblical justifications like the story of Adam and Eve and, I shit you not, the fact that Jesus was born naked.

But Jesus was born an atheist, so …

Guess he didn’t think of that.  Parker, whose body is less of a temple and more of a stupa, explains that in his church (quote) “there’s not a feeling that you have to be better than one another, physically” (end quote), a point that he drives home by being as physically imperfect as one can be and still be ambulatory.

When they go to Waffle House after church, these must be the only Christians with a tip for the waitress.

And since they laid down the gauntlet when they named their church full of naked, pasty caucasians the “White Tail Chapel”, I say we up the ante.  So 30 seconds on the clock, “Alternate Names for the Nudist Church”.  Go!

The Assless Chapel

Nice.  How about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Taints?

Home of the all-nude Mormon Flabernacle Choir

Motor Boat-re Dame

Well played – I was thinking … Scrotre Dame Cathedral: Let Your Buttresses Fly

Missionary Position Baptist

The Testi-Clesiastical Church: Baal’s Sack Religious

Baby Got Saddleback

Follow the fold … What about … Young Girth Creationists: Hung Wide Like Jesus

Saint Catheter’s Cathedral

Westminster Grabby

Well, St. Peter’s works already, but I’m gonna go with St. Peter’s Ba-silicone Implants.

Nudist church: http://www.atheistrepublic.com/news/church-promotes-nude-worship-because-jesus-was-born-naked

And finally tonight, in “Zoro-Astronaut” news, a fatwa committee in the United Arab Emirates has proclaimed it immoral and therefore illegal to travel to Mars.  Because of all the immoral acts committed by Muslims, their ambitious, meteoric rise in the space travel community is clearly the most troubling.  

In defense of the Islamic Space program, they’ve been trying to get bits and pieces of their followers into orbit for years.

According to Khaleej Times, the committee released the following statement: (quote) “Such a one-way journey poses a real risk to life, and that can never be justified in Islam.  There is a possibility that an individual who travels to planet Mars may not be able to remain alive there, and is more vulnerable to death.”  But the same could be said of New York City, for a Muslim immigrant, so …

No, the NYPD keeps a close eye on them… makes sure they’re safe.

I think the legislation needs some clarification.  Will a Muslim wishing to kill himself on Mars still be required to purchase a round-trip ticket?  Can he perform exorcisms on possessed Martian Unicorns?  And as long as they’ve got that committee together, and they’ve already come out against the suicide part of suicide bombing … maybe go that extra mile.  The bombing part is pretty bad too.  Just saying.

Fatwa forbids Muslims from living on Mars: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/20/mars-fatwa_n_4823059.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

I guess we’ll have to close on that conundrum.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, Bitches!

And when we come back we’ll push the limits of how many things rhyme with Chronicle.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the few minutes we usually remember to set aside every month to talk up all the great atheist, skeptical and otherwise secular meetups going on around the country and around the world.

A lot of really good stuff coming up in the spring, so I’ll go quick:

Aron Ra; Matt Dillahunty and Seth Andrews are teaming up for the “Unholy Trinity Tour”; they’ll be in Amarillo on March 22nd, Albuquerque on May 3rd and San Antonio on June 28th.  Hopefully they’ll be adding dates and venues, so we’ll try to keep you abreast of that.

http://unitedcor.org/nm/page/unholy-trinity-tour

For our British listeners, the AHS National Convention is coming up on the weekend of March 7th in London.  AC Grayling and Simon Singh top a fantastic guest list.

http://ahsstudents.org.uk/convention/

Also ThinkCon is coming up on March 15th in Cambridge.  The lineup is a great mix of comedians and science popularizers and the topics look fantastic.

http://thinkoutreach.org/ThinkCon/

Back in the states.  Reasonfest welcomes Darrel Ray, Matt Dillahunty, Ed Brayton and many more to Lawrence, Kansas April 4th and 5th,

http://kusoma.org/reasonfest/

You’ve got Freethought Fest 3 coming up in Madison, Wisconsin April 11th to the 13th.  Mythbuster and rationalist extraordinaire Adam Savage is gonna be there this year, which is pretty awesome.

http://freethoughtfestival.org/

But of course, I left out the biggest one of the season.  And no, I’m not talking about the American Atheists National Convention in Salt Lake City on Easter weekend. http://www.atheists.org/convention2014

And I’m not talking about the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism or “NECSS” going on April 12th and 13th in New York City. http://necss.org/necss-2014/schedule/

And I’m also not talking about QED in Manchester on the same weekend. https://qedcon.org/

All those are sure to be fantastic, but the one that the atheist world will be abuzz about is the inaugural ReasonCon in Hickory North Carolina on Saturday, May 3rd.  They’re keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, (PhD); they’ve also got Tracie Harris of Atheist Experience fame, Cash and Love from the hilarious “Atheists on Air” podcast and more.

But perhaps least notably, they’re also the first secular convention that had the guts to invite Heath, Lucinda and myself so we’ll see if we can make ‘em regret that a little.  That’s Saturday, May 3rd, it’s just outside of beautiful Asheville, North Carolina and it’s free

http://mythunderstoodalliance.com/announcing-reasoncon-free/

If you want more info, check the shownotes for episode 54 for links to the homepages of all of these events.  If you’re involved with an atheist event that could use a free plug, let me know.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Poem:

2 Chronicles in Rhyme

Run and grab your monocles, it’s time to read 2 Chronicles,

The fucking thing’s canonical, so we have to read it through.

The task is astronomical, ‘cause it just goes on and on, it’s bull,

So grab a gin and tonic-I’ll, hope that Adam Sandler doesn’t sue.

So when we finished with First Chronicles, David’s kingship was phenomenal,

But now he’s up and gone and all, so Solomon ascends.

He was wise and philosophical, with a penchant to be prodigal,

So he built a house for God with all, the golden odds and ends.

The dedication was symphonical, with musicians all harmonical

It was downright histrionical; it could not be overstated.

But I find it quite ironical, that they praise him as so logical,

His designs weren’t economical, even the gold there was gold plated.

He soon became iconical, so the queen of Sheba thought it optimal

To see if god remembered anatomical, when selecting what to bless.

So she got all theosophical, and he was cooler than a popsicle.

Was the visit conjugal?  Well that’s anybody’s guess.

Rehoboam’s reign was volatile, there was rift damn near tectonic-You’ll,

See the fights were periodic ‘til, the whole kingdom split apart.

Then Abijah got sardonical, and god goes pathological,

He gets divinely gastronomical and kills a million with his fart.

So we’ll keep things chronological, Asa died for trusting hospitals,

Jehoshaphat was nominal, and Ahaziah’s reign was short,

Then his mother went psychotic-All, the heirs were killed methodical,

And though he was nearly embryonic, (a l)ittle kid took royal court.

Amaziah was hedonic, y’all, Uzziah’s death was comical

Ahaz was demonical, Hezekiah had the blues.

Through a devout and patriotic, stall, he slowed the diabolical,

but inevitable obstacle, that would exile all the Jews.

So that’s my poem for Second Chronicles; Sorry it got so neological,

But I’m not hooked on phonics so I’ll, Just say I’ve done my due.

Now my bong needs marijuana, call it dank or hydroponic, hell,

At this point just narcotic’ll be enough to get me through.

Bible Story:

“Run grab the young-uns, folks.  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for Kids!”

Gather round boys and girls!  Today we’re gonna open our Bibles up to Second Samuel and meet one of the Bible’s most powerful superheroes.  Did you know that the Bible had superheroes, boys and girls?

Does it have Spiderman?

No, but some of the superheroes in the bible are even more powerful than Spiderman.

Does it have Batman?

No, because Batman is a lecherous heathen bound for an eternal torment in hell.

Does it have Superman?

Only according to Zac Snyder.  But today we’re gonna talk about a different superhero.  One that you probably never heard of before.  Today we’re gonna talk about Elisha.

Was he bitten by a radioactive spider?

No, Elisha was bitten by a radioactive god.  He was the disciple of another biblical superhero named Elijah and they weren’t gay lovers, even though the bible kind of makes it sound like they were.

Elijah was very powerful, but one day he died and god decided to give all his superpowers to Elisha.  What’s more, god decided to give Elisha even more superpowers.

Could he fly?

No, but he could part rivers like Moses.  He could make a normal spring into a magical healing well and he could cause whole plains to flood when he came across thirsty horses.

Did he have laser vision?

No, but he could strike people blind and he could heal blind people.  And he could turn one loaf of bread into a lot of loaves.

Did he have a cybernetic suit with laser guns and missiles?

No, but he could make a little bit of oil turn into a lot of oil and he could bring people back from the dead.  And if that’s not enough, he could also makes axe-heads float.

Did he fight crime?

Yes he did.  Loitering, to be exact.  You see, one day Elisha was walking by a group of kids not much older than you and they were loitering.  What’s worse, they were also picking on Elisha for being bald.

My mommy says when people call you names, you should walk away.

And that’s exactly what Elisha did.  He walked away… and then used his god powers to summon a few bears to take horrible, bloody vengeance on the kids by ripping their arms and legs off and devouring their torsos while they bled to death screaming in horrible agony.

Because remember, boys and girls, sticks and stones might break your bones, but bears will fucking kill you.

The End.

Outro:

Before we put her in park for the night, I wanted to congratulate our friends over at Secular (dot) FM who raised over two grand for the Foundation Beyond Belief last weekend during their marathon 24 hour live broadcast.  And if you’d like to help add to that February total, you’ll find a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.

Donate to the FBB: http://foundationbeyondbelief.org/

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  We all got to be podcast whores this week so there’s plenty of us to go around.  Heath and I did a guest spot with Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show, Bill and Suzy invited Lucinda and me onto the latest episode of Bar Room Atheists and, of course, all three of us appeared in fits and starts on the most recent episode of the Holy Crap video cast; you’ll find links to all three on the shownotes as well.

Imaginary Friends Show: http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/02/22/ifs-170-nice-fantastic/

Bar Room Atheists: http://barroomatheist.podbean.com/

Holy Crap! Vlogcast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGiA6ZwdeLM

And as if that’s not enough, you can also find all over social media.  Be sure to check us out on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and subscribe to us on YouTube.  If you’re feeling generous with your time, please take a minute to give us a glowing review on iTunes and if you haven’t checked out Stitcher yet, download the free app, listen to us there and add us to your favorites.

Of course, we can’t close things out without thanking Heath for taking time out of his enervating sex life to join us tonight.  Huge thanks to Lucinda for yet another hilarious Bible story and a big thanks to the prodigal daughter and extremely patient Farnsworth quoter tonight, Tiny Tribble.  She doesn’t have a blog or anything and I already promoted her dad’s vlogcast twice in this episode, so I’ll just use this time to thank everyone that’s sent us a Farnsworth quote in the past and is wondering if we’ll ever use it.  Believe me, I really appreciate it and I’m using them more or less in the order they were received.

But of course, most of all I need to shower praise upon this week’s most exceptional hominids, Sakura, Jennifer, James, Cameron, Andrew, Michael, Cat, Richard, Joanna, Caroline, other Richard and Cherie.  Sakura and Jennifer, whose ninjutsu has saved the American coast from more than one hurricane; James and Cameron, who aren’t the dude who made Avatar so I’m still waiting on a refund for that; Andrew and Michael, whose massive cocks will one day unlock the key to space elevator construction; Cat and Richard, whose gravitas compels dogshit to move out of the way of their shoes; Joanna and Caroline, whose wisdom makes Solomon look like a baby-bifurcating bozo; and Richard and Cherie, whose brilliance is so evident that statues are being carved in advance of their historical accomplishments..

This dynamic dozen donors, known throughout the interwebs as the Twelve Apostates, have proved the depth of their apostasy this week by giving us money.  Only the most valiant, noble, silky smooth atheists have the disbelief it takes to give us money, but if you think you can handle the praise, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, donating to our show is like sex; the more practice you get, the better it feels.  So if you’ve donated to the show in the past, please consider doing it again; this time I’ll swallow.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 53 – Partial Transcript

February 20, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

GUEST LINKS:

The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe Homepage

The Skeptics’ Guide YouTube Channel

Homepage for NECSS (Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism)

Warning: This podcast contains Heath Enwright

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sharia Law & Order: Sinful Victims Unit.

In the Islamic Justice System, female victims of sexually based offenses are considered especially culpable.  The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious women are an elite squad known as the Sinful Victims Unit.  These are their stories.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 20th,

And now that Paul Walker’s dead, his roles will be played by Aaron Paul – aka the “Miracle on Ice”

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from the city that never sleeps, New York, New York

And the city that never flosses, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode

  • We’ll open with a series of bullet points,

  • We’ll get through a snake-handler story with no masturbation jokes,

  • And Jay Novella joins us share non-culinary advice for atheist parents

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I was accused in an email exchange the other day of “hating religious people”.  And I was about to email back that “I don’t hate religious people, I hate religion”… but I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to be dishonest.  I do hate religious people.

But it’s not because they’re religious… it’s because they’re people.

Think about the copious amounts of ass that people suck.  I hate most of them.  And I’d guess that about 80% of the people I hate are religious.  And 2% of them are atheists.  And 18% of them are spiritual, agnostic or “other”.

The whole notion that the atheist movement hates religious people is even stupider than the assertion that atheists hate god.  Religion is an oppressive force and it harms religious people a hell of a lot more than atheists.  I’m in no danger of foregoing life saving medicine and opting for prayer.  I’m in no danger of being swindled by a preacher.  I’m in no danger of being butt-raped by a Catholic Priest… well, no, I guess we all are, but I’m in a low-risk demographic at least.  But the whole premise is asinine.  It’s like saying abolitionists were motivated by their hatred of slaves.

Of course, this came about in one of those stupid “How can religion be bad if so-and-so exists?”  arguments So-and-so being, of course, some morally incorruptible person.  And whether the example is Martin Luther King, Jr. or the sweet old lady across the street, it’s no less stupid an argument.  Lucinda and I have a couple of neighbors that are as nice as two people can be, except the fact that they disowned their son for being gay.

And sure, they’d run into a burning building for us, they’d donate a lung for us, they’d fight off a pack of she-bears for us, but does that make homophobia any less egregious?  Does the fact that the axe murdered also fed stray cats a reason to go easy on axe-murdering?  And if good religious people mean that religion is good, what the hell do bad religious people mean?

But there’s more wrong with this argument than it’s simple failure to sequit.  I’ll give you a great example in the form of my landlord.

The dude is as nice as anybody you can imagine.  Seventy two years old, spry, intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humor and he’s quick to hurry over and fix shit that goes wrong, provided it doesn’t do so on the Lord’s day.  He’s super-religious and it would be physically impossible to dislike him.

The other day I was talking to him and he brought up his church which he is often wont to do.  He had a bit of a sunburn going and when I asked him about it he said he got it mowing the lawn at his church.  The two acres around this church.  That a seventy-two year old man is mowing for no compensation.  And why, pray tell, is the old man mowing the lawn?  Well, the church was concerned with their finances and they feared they could no longer afford the monthly landscaper’s fees.  And they figured that Jesus would really appreciate it if somebody volunteered to mow that giant-ass shadeless lawn once a week under the unforgiving South Georgia sun.

But it’s not that they were taking advantage of him.  Au contraire.  He understood how important it was.  Why, unless somebody donated their labor to the church lawn, they wouldn’t be able to send any money to the Southern Baptist Convention.

So the church is sending a septuagenarian out to mow their lawn so they can properly fund an anti-gay hate-group that was founded on White Supremacy and only got around to apologizing for that shit in the mid-nineties.  How moral of them.

So no, I don’t hate religious people… at any higher rate than I hate non-religious people.  And I’d even go so far as to say I can prove it.  If I really hated religious people and I really wanted to stick it to them, I’d stop doing this show, I’d just shut up about atheism and I’d let the church have ‘em.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is Olympic Vanadium Medalist Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to go for the Chromium?

Hey, don’t knock Vanadium.  It has the highest melting point of any period 4 transition metal.

Take that titanium!

In our lead story tonight, Australian chemist Simon Horsfall is slipping disapproving notes into the package when he sells oral contraception to those customers of his pharmacy that don’t share his Catholic beliefs.  In other news, Australian pharmacists mistakenly refer to themselves as “chemists”.  They count pills, and collect people’s money every week.  They have the same skill set as a drug dealer.  They’re not exactly inventing new plastics for NASA.

This actually explains why the Australian Space Agency is still lagging so far behind Latvia.  Reminds me of those Fosters commercials.  You show an uppity fucker eyeing me suspiciously when buy syringes for my diabetic cat and it says “Chemist” and then it shows a cheap can of carbonated dingo piss and it says “Beer”… but it’s Australian so it’s three syllables long and they never quite get to the “R”….

Here’s a statement from the (air quote) “chemist” (end air quote), who’s been writing self-righteous notes like this for 12 years: (real quote) ”It’s about integrity – if you say one thing and do something else, that is hypocrisy. We practise what we preach.” (end real quote) … First of all, ‘practice’ doesn’t have an ‘S’ … It has a ‘C’ … Second, he doesn’t practeeze what he preaches at all.  He’s been making money selling contraceptives for at least 12 years!!!  He’s going to hell, and he’s talking about integrity and avoiding hypocrisy?!?

It’s more like hypocrisy squared.  “I’m against this, but I’m gonna profit off of it, but I’m gonna call you an asshole for giving me your money.”

I’m willing to consider the merits of both sides of the abortion issue.  But contraception?!?  Wearing a cross around your neck is pretty good contraception.  Money shots are contraception.  It was happening before condoms, just not well.  So like it or not – and whether or not one particular outer-suburban pharmacy (slash) Pfizer Lab in Australia approves – widespread availability of real contraceptives is one of the greatest public health accomplishments of the last century.

Yes, I think it’s time we moved beyond the “orgasms are evil” doctrine.

Australian Pharmacist puts disapproving note in every bottle of contraceptives: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/take-note-this-chemist-disapproves-of-contraceptives-20140213-32jz1.html

And in “god forsakes the flakes who partake in the shaking of snakes” news tonight, Kentucky pastor and squamate appetizer Jamie Coots died of stupidity last Saturday after being gnawed on by a venomous rattlesnake.  Coots is part of the Darwinian oversight known as “Snake handlers”, a group of Pentecostals who believe that god is the only anti-venom they need, despite the extraordinarily high rate at which their pastors demonstrate otherwise.

It’s literally gotten to the point that if this happens again next week, we’d almost have to skip the story out of boredom.  Maybe we just do occasional segments when zero Pentecostal preachers committed suicide by serpent venom that week.

Yeah, snake handlers have been done to death at this point.  Coots was bitten during a Saturday night service but rather than seek medical attention for the treatable but otherwise mortal wound, he instead opted for the “Jesus take the presynaptic neurotoxin” approach and treated the bite by laying on his couch and praying… even after EMTs showed up at his home and offered him real-universe medicine.

It’s a good thing I’m not an ambulance guy.  I would have made a joke about it being “Pastor Expiration Date.”  

Yeah, your sense of humor might not work well in any emergency medical profession.  Now, if the name Jamie Coots sounds familiar, it’s because be discussed this celebrity death-pool lock back on episode 27 of this show when National Geographic tapped him to star in their visual testament to faith-inspired idiocy “Snake Salvation”.  Nat Geo has issued an apology and vows to replace the show next season with more responsible programs like “Cutting Yourself for Jesus” and “Rabbi Rosenbaum’s Wide World of Long Distance Circumcisions”.

Yet another snake handling preacher killed by… wait for it… snakes: http://www.wbir.com/story/news/local/2014/02/16/pastor-dies-after-snake-he-was-handling-bit-him/5529907/

And from the “Not in Ken’s Ass Anymore” file, the state House of Representatives in Kansas has overwhelmingly approved Jim Crow Laws for gay people.  Proponents of the legislation seem to feel this is necessary to facilitate a smooth transition to humanhood for the queers, following their recent liberation from slavery in the state.  An existing gay resident can be grandfathered in for full humanhood right away, however he may be required to prove his grandfather was gay.  

Which sucks for straight Kansas grandfathers.  What a dilemma; “Hey grandpa, they’ll let me use hospitals and pharmacies, but only if you’ll go down the county registrars office and gobble some cock.”

Should the bill be signed into law, gay couples could legally be denied service absolutely anywhere, and if gays are permitted inside buildings at all, I’m certain they’ll be required to use the rear entrance, which is really just an exit for everyone else. (…)  I guess this must be the Christian response to the hordes of gay couples in the Bible Belt, who were ruining public parks for everyone else, with lewd displays of deep-throating water fountain spigots? …

Shit yeah, the “Spite a bigot, blow a spigot” campaign.  Of course, it’s worth noting that the leader of the state senate has already come out and said that there’s no way in hell they’re gonna pass this thing, but the fact that Kansas is trying to compete with Russia and Uganda when it comes to legislative gay-bashing is still newsworthy.

And just to be perfectly clear, this would allow a public hospital to refuse treatment, or a police officer to refuse policing, as long as the homophobes make their decision “based on a sincerely held religious belief”.  Lucky for anyone in Kansas with the sincerely held belief that hateful assholes should be brutally tortured for even suggesting this – they should soon be able to carry out their vigilante water-boarding spree of religious zealots with full impunity.  

Kansas gay segregationhttp://www.ryot.org/kansas-tries-implement-anti-gay-segregation/571197 <<and>> http://www.kansascity.com/2014/02/13/4822324/senate-balks-at-kansas-religious.html

And from the “Keystone Caliphate” file tonight, a suicide bombing instructor in Iraq shook up this year’s Darwin Award standings last week during an accidental pop quiz.  While demonstrating how to kill oneself and a score of bystanders, Professor Aggressor the Lesser accidentally killed himself and a score of bystanders.

This does shake up the Darwin standings, but I’d say the bystanders are at the top of the list.  If there’s anyone dumber than a suicide bomber conducting a demonstration, it’s the people who showed up for the demonstration.  That’s the sort of meeting you might want to Skype in.

In addition to the instructor, twenty-one students were killed, 15 pupils were wounded, 8 militants were arrested and 1,548 virgins were very disappointed.  The instructor’s name was not released but Iraqi officials say he is a well-known terrorist recruiter who will forever be remembered for his poignant last words; “whatever you do, never do this.”

Instructor accidentally blows up a class full of suicide bombing students: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/11/world/middleeast/suicide-bomb-instructor-accidentally-kills-iraqi-pupils.html?_r=0

That’s why you never buy your bomb fuses at the Acme Store.  Moving on to “Sacred Cowboys” news: UConn’s new assistant football coach Ernest Jones has resigned, immediately following controversy surrounding his violation of the university policy that says you can’t preach about Jesus while you’re working.  Jones, as well as head coach Bob Diaco, were both hired from Notre Dame, which would be impressive 30 years ago.  In 2014, all it tells me is that Mantai Teo’s imaginary friend delusions make a lot more sense.    

In an “immaculate deception” sort of way…

Among other useless coaching methods, Jones told players that football wouldn’t exist without the Christian lord and savior, and that Jesus belongs in the huddle, even though that’s obviously a 5-yard penalty.  

Twelve disciples in the huddle, yeah.

So, in honor of the newly resigned (read about to be fired) Jones … Let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Failed Religious Sports Teams” … GO!!!

Notre Dame!

Well played!  But I was thinking more like … JC Milan … Re-Allah Madrid … Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark

If we’re allowing movies about failed religious sports teams, then my answer is Rudy.

Well played again!  But I mean like  … The Nashville Sexual Predators … The Dallas Plow Boys

Sounds like they play in “A Catholic League of Their Own” …

Ok I Iike the movie titles … Let’s roll with it … What about “Million Dollar Baby Jesus”?

Original Cinderella Man

Papal Bull Durham

Parting the Red Seabiscuit

Any Given Sunday School

Bang the Kids Slowly?

King of Kingpins

Judas Iscariots of Fire

Semi-Pro Life

Raging Bullshit

The Fast Boy Scout

Or Run Altarboy Run.  Either way, the priest ends up with Varsity Blue-Balls.

Bad New Prayers Don’t Work

Christian asshole resigns from assistant football coach position at UConn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/18/uconn-assistant-football-coach-who-said-jesus-christ-should-be-in-the-center-of-our-huddle-resigns

They don’t.  And I think that’s actually as good a point to close on as any we’ve made.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, Jay Novella from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe will be here to Skeptically Guide us through the Universe.

Outro:

Before we dismiss the royal guard tonight I wanted to make everybody aware of a very cool fundraiser that our friends at Secular (dot) FM are putting together.  They’re doing a 24 hour live broadcast to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief.  It’s running all day this Sunday, the 23rd, starting and ending at midnight.  Tanner Campbell, Mark Nebo and David Viviano are hosting the thing and they’ve got a list of guests that makes me drool: Dale McGowan, Seth Andrews, Shelley Segal, JT Eberhard, DJ Grothe, Jessica Ahlquist, Jerry DeWitt, Dave Muscato… and I’m seriously just scratching the surface.

I’d strongly encourage you to check it out; it should be a lot of fun and it’s for a good cause.  You’ll find links to more info on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/secularprogramming

I also wanted to apologize for the 2 Chronicles poem getting bumped again but we needed the time for the interview.  I promise it’ll be on next week’s show.

And, of course, I need to give Jay another big thanks for coming on the show.  Very awesome guy, super passionate about what he does and one of the real pioneers of podcasting so thrilled to have him on.  I also need to thank Heath for his indefatigable sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up tonight and I need to thank Matt from Chicago for his awesome Farnsworth quote (slash) Cafepress plug (slash) rape joke.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most prestigious paragons of personhood, Thomas, Tim, Brad, Tyler, Kenny, Shelby, Vinnie, Geoff, April, Leo, Wayne, Liam, Richard and Tom.  Thomas and Tim, whose reflexes and strength are so great they could be empowered by radioactive spiders and not notice; Brad and Tyler, whose levers are long enough for Archimedes if we could just find the fulcrum; Kenny and Shelby, the Wonder Twins of atheism, except that neither of them has a power that sucks compared to the other one; Vinnie and Geoff, who are hot enough to melt vanadium; April and Leo, who are so awesome they named a month and a sign of the zodiac after them; Wayne and Liam, whose attractiveness holds the key to zero point energy; and Richard and Tom, who have to turn away more pussy than a Friskies audition.

These fourteen upright, upstanding, uproarious, uplifting individuals have proved their up-ness this week by giving us money.  Only the most atheistic of all atheists have the atheism it takes to give us money, but if you think you disbelieve in god enough, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, size matters.  Help us grow our social media presence by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, subscribing to us on YouTube and circling us or whatever on that Google one.  And rate us on iTunes and favorite us on Stitcher and subscribe to our blog and Jesus I’m needy.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.