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Episode 48 Partial Transcript

January 16, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, so if you don’t like words like first, second, third or fourteenth, or if you don’t like hearing grown men talk about pushing pencils into asteroids while jamming cockroaches with toast all over their scrolls, this isn’t the podcast for you.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by “Life After Death Row Records”, the premier West Bank Hip-Hop Label with superstars like Dr. Dreidle, Members of the Tribe Called Quest, and Jew-Pac Shakur.  You may also know them from their legendary bloody rivalry with Middle-East Coast label Bad Goy Records and their star, Notorious B.I.Jihad.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s January 16th

And this is the “One Year Anniversary Show”.  Godless lap of the sun complete.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from eugenically challenged New York, New York,

And just everything-else challenged Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • A columnist in Tennessee says women should be more rape-friendly,

  • A female math teacher in Alabama agrees,

  • And we’ll breast milk one more gag out of the headlines.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I got a scathing comment on the blog the other day that’s almost too stupid to respond to.  The commenter in question was all over the map with their critique and so much of it was contradictory that I almost wrote it off as a troll.  He said I was too vulgar and shouldn’t insult people and said that I did so because I was a (quote) “fucking idiot”.  He faulted me for hiding behind a microphone with no way for people to criticize what I say… on the forum that I maintain for people to criticize what I say.  He said that I was coward because I was unwilling to pretend that I was a Christian to get along with people.

And that’s all too stupid to respond to.  But hidden in this morass of internal-inconsistency and self-congratulatory blathering was one point that deserves a response.  And not because this asshole took time off from ejaculating into Fruity Pebbles to pound it into his keyboard, but rather because I’ve heard it from a lot of rational people as well.  In fact, it might be the most common critique levelled against the atheist movement by other atheists.

The argument basically says that if atheists were ever successful in eradicating religion it would just be replaced by some other religion or some equally irrational quasi-religious substitute.  I’m sure you hear this one a lot.  Hell, it was the crux of the South Park episode about atheism where all the future people were running around saying “Science damn it” and fighting wars based on scientific schisms.

And I’d love to say that this point is also too stupid to refute and it should be, but it’s just too common to brush aside.

Now, there are a lot of reasons why a fully functioning brain should disregard this.  The first is that it’s just an assumption offered without evidence.  The fact that religion has always been a part of the world is irrelevant when you consider the vast difference in communication and education that differentiates the modern world from every previous iteration of human culture.  Sure, religion has always been a part of human society.  Two hundred years ago it could be said about slavery or the political disenfranchisement of women.  Hell, not only could it been said about those things, it was said.  It was offered as a critique against people fighting to eliminate those practices.

So problem number one; there’s no compelling evidence to support the point.  Problem number two, of course, is that there’s plenty of evidence against it.  If the assertion that religion was an inevitable consequence of breathing were true, it would be mathematically impossible to see a rise in atheism.  How the hell could atheism be on the rise if lack of religion caused religion?  So sure, the supporter of this defeatist attitude can claim there’s some magical limit to the percentage of a populace that can be rational when it comes to religion, but then it becomes a god of the gaps argument where that percentage is perpetually retreating.

So there’s the “cause I said so” problem and the “horse will never replace the car” problem, but even if you can argue your way out of all that, it still doesn’t matter.  Even if the chicken-littles are actually Cassandras and they’re 100% correct, it still wouldn’t matter.  It still wouldn’t be a reason to give up.

All the best fights are unwinnable.  I seriously doubt we’ll ever rid the world of hunger, disease, sexism, racism, poverty or “that’s what she said” jokes, but that doesn’t make fighting against them pointless.  Should we give up trying to cure AIDS?  After all, if you do people will just die of something else.  Should we give up fighting for civil rights because there will always be racists?

I can’t speak for the atheist movement as a whole, of course, but my personal goals have nothing to do with “eradicating” religion even though I think that probably is an attainable goal.  My goal is to marginalize it.  To leave its societal influence on par with bigfoot hunters and chemtrail nuts.  And even if that’s unattainable, it’s worth the fight because every step in that direction has its own benefits.  You don’t have to go all the way to justify the journey.  I’m pretty sure that’s why it’s called a movement.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight, is that guy Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to be that guy?

OK yes … Right before we started I did say something that could have sounded like support for George Zimmerman.  But that doesn’t mean I think that black people shouldn’t be allowed to kill Latinos too.  Somebody has to say these things.  

I’m not sure that somebody does… Anyway, in our lead story tonight, former 7th day adventist pastor Ryan Bell made ripples two weeks ago when he announced that he would be re-examining his faith by living for a year as an atheist, sort of.  Atheists initially responded by pointing out that was well intentioned, but stupid, since the only prerequisite and, in fact, the only feature of atheism is not believing in god and since he wasn’t doing that, it was largely an exercise in celibate masturbation.

And the headline reads: “Unholy Sacra-Mental Masturbation: Christian Pastor converts to atheism, finds out he gives better hand jobs than kids, with their sticky little fingers, all over my five- (trailing off after interruption) thousand dollar robes…”

In defense of those kids, their fingers were gonna end sticky one way or the other.

But trying out atheism?  A test drive? … Not sure if that’s how it works.  That’s like a white person trying out being black for a year, by dancing better.

Exactly.  But as inconsequential as his pledge to forego church and read some Dawkins seemed to atheists, it sure as hell seemed consequential to the people who had the power to power to make it so; his employer.  Four days after embarking on this minimalist attempt to look at the god question from multiple perspectives, he was fired from his position as an adjunct professor at Azusa Pacific University and Fuller Theological Seminary.  Because the last thing you want is professors with broadened points of view.

Well if you want a job at a real university, “Fired from Azusa Pacific University and Fuller Theological Seminary” is a good bullet point for the resume.  So is “Recovering Christian – Four Days Sober”.

After initially criticizing his methodology, friend of the show Hemant Mehta took action by setting up a fund to help the recently unemployed mythologist, raising over $16,000 in 24 hours to help him transition to secular employment.  A fact that, of course, I’d loved to have last month, when I still could have mentioned to Hemant that I, too, am unemployed and living as an atheist this year.

Pastor vows to “try atheism for a year”.  Congregants vow to fire his ass: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/07/ryan-bell-donations-atheist_n_4551225.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

And in “Jesus Saved by the Bell” news, recently-fired Alabama math teacher and statutory rapist Alicia Gray, ended up being less guilty, after finding Jesus just in time for sentencing, and will receive a punishment of five years probation.  Unfortunately for the so-called rape victim, God kept his son Jesus inexplicably well-hidden during the weeks right before the raping incident.

Biblical law gets all fucked up when it’s a woman raping a man.  I think the kid’s dad owes himself 50 shekels.

Here’s a statement from the former teacher: (quote) “I’m thankful because without [God] picking me up and making me realize that I was in a very dark place, I don’t know what could’ve happened.”  

…oh, well in that case…

So God was up there watching this all unfold, and saw her about to play AmTrak with the JV Lacrosse Team, at which point he stepped in and derailed the train.  But he still let her fuck the backup goalie as a consolation, to illustrate the important point, that the Bible defines rape as something between ONE man and ONE woman.  

I bet we could sell a few “Support Traditional Rape” bumper stickers.

The real issue here – that nobody seems to be talking about – is whether or not Ms. ‘Shades of Gray’ is physically attractive.  And she clearly IS attractive.  So case dismissed.  I’m sorry, but the 14-year-old with the hot math teacher, who literally experienced his wet dream from the night before, is clearly not the “victim” of anything.  Bottom line: It’s nearly impossible to rape a 14-year-old boy – which is something the church already learned the hard way.  

Alabama teacher rapist repents: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/14/teacher-who-raped-one-of-her-students-before-heading-to-jail-says-that-jesus-has-saved-her/

And in “Empirical v. Satirical” news tonight, popular science personality and guy who normally makes better decisions than this Bill Nye has agreed to a debate with Australian national embarrassment Ken Ham on the topic of whether or not the universe was prestidigitated into being by an invisible, omnipotent clairvoyant sorcerer.

Yeah I saw the grudge match poster.  Ken Ham looks like the missing link to Amish Wolverine.  He looks like the filthy primate precursor that evolved into Amish Wolverine … Doesn’t help his case for Genesis.

With Ken Ham representing Intelligent Design and Bill Nye representing intelligence, the debate promises to be both meaningless and stupid; as the opposition and audience are entirely made up of people dumb enough to occasionally wipe the wrong orifice after a shit.  The debate will take place at the Kentucky Creationism Museum assuming the museum can stave off bankruptcy for another three weeks.

And if you have trouble choosing a wipe spot, I’m sure sometimes they must wipe the right orifice, and then the wrong orifice.  Which is the worst way to mess that up, I’ve heard.  Don’t second guess yourself, and go ass to mouth …

That would be a great “The More You Know” commercial.   

This is rumored to be the first in a series of Bill Nye debates, including a debate with Jenny McCarthy about how many hydrogen atoms are in a water molecule and a debate with Boo Radley on the proposition “Ungh….”

Bill Nye to debate Ken Ham at Creationist Museum: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/01/02/creation-museum-says-science-guy-bill-nye-will-visit-in-february-to-debate/

And in “Single-Breasted Soup” news, Catholicism’s highest ranked creepy old man-virgin attempted to see his third live booby, by announcing to 32 new moms at a Sistine Chapel baptism, that breast feeding is acceptable in public, including church.    

Reports indicate that nobody whipped out their tits at that point, but if a few of the moms did, I wonder where the monologue would have gone from there.  I can see Pope Franatomically Correct freeballing some revisions to public masturbation laws, maybe rescinding the rule against anal intercourse with vegetables…

There’s a Veggie Tails joke in there somewhere … Thinking quickly to avoid a repeat gaff, the Pope made sure to specify he was referring to nipple and milk, after suggesting that Catholic children should suck on erectile tissue and swallow the white liquid that comes out.  The upshot: Italian atheist kidnappers are sure to appreciate the new emphasis on “milk-fed human veal”.    

And I’m as sick of saying it as our audience is of hearing it, I’m sure, but how the fuck isn’t the headline on this one “While continuing to not actually do anything to change his crooked, money-laundering, child-raping, poverty-insuring cabal, Pope expresses sentiment that would have been progressive 150 years ago”?  Next thing you know he’ll be supporting the germ theory of disease and heliocentrism.

This seems like a new theme for Pope Frammogram, who made a statement last month to an Italian newspaper, in which he made a connection between breastfeeding and global hunger.  So ladies: If you see a homeless dude on the street, eating a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch … DRY, have some compassion.  Whip out a nip, and let the guy latch on for a minute.

Pope Okays Boobs in Church: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/13/pope-tells-moms-its-ok-to-breastfeed-in-church/

And in “Time Magazine’s child-rape harborer of the year” news tonight, the Vatican offered a subtle reminder that in addition to hugging lepers, extolling humane economic policies and admitting publicly that tits aren’t evil, the media-darling pontiff also continues to actively impede efforts to bring serial pedophiles to justice.

That must be exhausting.  He’s like the street magician with the ball and cups trick, and you can never manage to follow the red rapist ball.  Where he stops, nobody knows.  Actually, I guess it’s more like Three Card Monty, and you can’t seem to follow the queen.      

You might recall Archbishop Josef Wesolowski from episode 30 of this program, or, if you were an underage Catholic that lived in Poland, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Denmark or the Dominican Republic in the last four decades, you might recall him from forcing you to lick his balls while he was beating off to pictures of unconscious sheep.  Several months ago the villainous bastard was abruptly removed from his diplomatic post in the DR when rumors of a sexual abuse investigations started swirling.

Unfortunately for the slutty archbishop and his victims, they had to learn the hard way that diplomatic immunity doesn’t prevent AIDS.  

AIDS and the fiery vengeance of Sergeant Murtaugh, useless against both.  Anyway, under pressure from the Polish government to extradite the Carmen Sandiego of child fuckers, the Vatican response could only have been more evil if they’d written with the blood of crippled kittens.  When asked about Wesolowski’s legal status as part of an ongoing investigation in that country, Vatican spokesman Frederico Lombardi said that the Vatican does not, under any circumstances, extradite its citizens; that as a Vatican ambassador he had diplomatic immunity and what’s more, fucking children wasn’t illegal under Vatican law until last year, so any kids he fucked in other countries while a citizen of Vatican City would have been legal anyway.

After all these years, Carmen Sandiego of Child Fuckers is still one of Vatican City’s top rated shows?  Weird.  Didn’t think it would play well as a reality show.  

Which, of course, begs for 30 seconds on the clock… “Educational Programming on Vatican Public Broadcasting”.  Go!

BJ and the Bear is pretty gay already … Bear in Stained Bears?  Bear in Stained Twinks?

Undress-a-me Street?

How do you get there again?  Take the Hershey Highway? Altar Boy Meets World?

The Big Comfy Crouch

Bleeding Rainbow?

Where in Carmen Sandiego is Archbishop Josef Wesolowski?  It’s a recent debut.

What about Rick Santorum’s favorite show: The Magic Stool Pus

School House Cocks

3-2-1 Inappropriate Contact

Doc McStuff-It-Ins

Vatican refuses to extradite serial pedophile: http://bigstory.ap.org/article/vatican-polish-prosecutor-we-dont-extradite

And in “Women’s Suffrage should be more like it sounds” news, paternalistic Christian asshole Mark Atkins followed up his 2013 op/ed piece about the ‘homosexual disorder’, with a message for the festering masses of radically liberal feminists in the Tri-Cities region of Northeast Tennessee and Southwest Virginia that read the Kingsport Times News … The basic gist of his message: If women are allowed to make choices about sex, it really complicates things for men.

Yeah, in 15 short paragraphs, this crusty fuck-flake defends slut-shaming, gay-bashing, male dominionism and virginity tests; while also managing to equate gay marriage with both pedophilia and naziism.  This guy is like the Wal-Mart of bigotry… which is impressive because before that Wal-Mart was the Wal-Mart of bigotry.

Atkins writes (quote) “If  liberals and feminists] did indeed care about women, they would preach the Christian virtues of feminine modesty, chastity, and fidelity, and not sexual liberation” (end quote) . . . Let me try to wade through the bullshit, and focus on his underlying thesis.  Basically he’s saying: “Listen up you liberated bitches!  On behalf of Christian misogynists everywhere: If you don’t act like obedient uterus housing – like it says right here in the manual – we’re not gonna want to marry, own, and rape you … as much.”

The arrogance here is probably award-worthy.  The core argument this sphincter-scarring turd kernel is presenting is literally, “If you aren’t careful, I won’t want to fuck you.”  That’s it.

He goes on to add that when women start making sexual decisions, it produces (quote) “Self-loathing, STD’s, abortion, broken homes, and men’s contempt.  Freedom of a sort but hardly fulfilling” (end quote) . . . So yeah the consensual thing is nice.  I guess that’s technically a freedom, but are you really fulfilled at the end of the day?  Especially knowing how much contempt Christian men have … for consensual sex.  

Or just consent in general.

Feminism causes AIDS: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/14/tennessee-newspaper-op-ed-piece-says-sexual-liberation-leads-to-abortion-broken-homes-and-mens-contempt/

And finally tonight, from the “But it still tastes better than the bullshit he usually feeds us” file, South African Pastor Lesego Daniel has added “Turning the faithful into ruminants” to the already impressively long list of things Jesus can’t do.  Under the guise of demonstrating the powers of the Holy Spirit, Daniel encouraged his congregants to eat grass… because he apparently didn’t think atheists had enough ammunition for the sheep jokes.

He must not have heard about the Polish archbishop getting rim jobs from little kids, whilst jerking off to catatonic sheep photos.  Or maybe he just didn’t see the humor potential.  So he also went on to use the bloating caused by eating grass, to perform a bullshit demon-baby exorcism abortion, that ends in a fart joke.  This guy knows how to craft a Scathing Atheist headline.   

That he does.  According to a report in “African Spotlight”, while his congregants were lying in the church lawn grazing, he stepped on them and explained that the experience was bringing them closer to god.  One faithful lawn-licking turf-muncher was quoted as saying “Sure, it’s less healthy than divine Jesus crackers, but honestly, is it any less insane?”

The grass is always greener, on the other side of apartheid?  At least I didn’t say: “Above Mandela’s grave.”

South African pastor tells his congregation to eat grass: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/11/south-african-pastor-orders-his-congregation-to-eat-grass-terminates-demonic-pregnancy/

And on that disturbing thought, we’ll close headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara Bitches!

And when we return Lucinda will join us to talk about mythological hookers.

Calendar:

It’s time for the long overdue atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the monthly few minutes we set aside to discuss all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events coming up around the country and around the world.

This being our first calendar segment of the year, I figured we’d highlight a couple of the biggest annual conventions coming up.  And if you forgot to make a News Years Resolution or you’ve already broken it, I suggest that you resolve to make it to at least one atheist event this year.  If you’ve never been to one before you really owe it to yourself.

NECSS kicks off the season in NYC on April 11th and it’s a packed slate already.  Lawrence Krauss will be the keynote speaker and that’s probably worth the admission right there, but you’ve also got the SGU team on hand for a live recording, plus the usual suspects and a lot of big names yet to come.

http://necss.org/

Same weekend, other side of the pond, friend of the show Andy Wilson will be getting together with the rest of the Merseyside Skeptics for QED in Manchester.  Sanal Edamaruku will be speaking there and damn what a story he has to tell.  Richard Wiseman will also be there with a host of other great speakers.

https://qedcon.org/

But if I can only make it to one this year, it’ll be on the following weekend in Salt Lake-a City, Utah.  That’s right, the American Atheist Annual Convention is right around the corner on April 17th to the 20th.  Greta Christina, Matt Dillahunty, PZ Myers, JT Eberhard, and former Vikings punter and current atheist sensation Chris Kluwe is also gonna be there which should be pretty cool.  We’ll talk more about this one as it gets closer.

http://www.atheists.org/convention2014

For our Canadian listeners, May 16th to the 18th sees the fourth annual “Imagine No Religion” conference in Kamloops, BC.  Eugenie Scott, Seth Andrews, Dan Barker, Jerry Coyne, Jerry DeWitt, Hemant Mehta, Darrel Ray… yeah, if anything could compete with the speaker list at the American Atheist conference, that’s it, right?

http://imaginenoreligion.ca/

And finally The Amazing Meeting is scheduled for the 11th to the 14th of July in Sin City.  Susan Jacoby’s gonna be there; George Hrab is gonna be there; along with Peter Boghossian, the aforementioned Jerry Coyne, the also aforementioned Sanal Edamaruku, the unaforementioned Michael Shermer and a bunch more.  Should be amazing because there’s no way skeptics would let them get away with the name “The Amazing Meeting” if it wasn’t.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

There are a few other events that probably belong in the list, but in my opinion those are the big five and you’ll find links to all of their homepages on the shownotes for this episode.  There are a ton of other events going on this year and we’ll be doing our best to keep you up to speed on them.  If you’re involved with an event that could use a free plug, let me know.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Bible Story:

(Run grab the young ‘uns folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!)

Today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Joshua and meet one of the bible’s most famous prostitutes, Rahab.

Rahab lived in the walled city of Jericho and made her living ejaculating weary travelers.  Mostly vaginal, but occasional hand-jobs and oral.  No butt stuff, though, because Rahab was classy.

And sometimes, when people were done having sex with her for money, they would talk to her and tell her stories about their travels.  And it was through these stories that she started to hear about a powerful army of Jews that was marching through nearby lands.

Rahab was scared because people were saying that the army would attack Jericho and she’d also heard that when this army of Jews had attacked other towns, they killed all the men, all the women, all the children, all the babies, all the farm animals, all the puppies and all the kittens.

So one day some Jews showed up wanting somewhere moist to put their dicks.  And Rahab said, “Hey, are you part of that army that’s coming to massacre all my friends and family?” and they said, “Yeah, but don’t tell anyone.”

Rahab thought about it.  She would still have plenty of time to warn all the inhabitants of the city so that they could prepare for the attack, or at least grab whatever belongings they could carry and escape with their lives, but she decided it would be better to just worry about her and her family.  So she agreed not to tell anyone as long as they would promise not to kill her.  So the Jewish spies agreed not to kill anyone in her house and she agreed to hide them and probably fuck them, too.

Many days later the army showed up so Rahab got a few of her close friends and family and hid in her house while the Jews attacked them with spears, swords and magical trumpets.  And while she hid safe in her home, they killed all the men and once they were taken care of they raped and murdered all the women.  And then they killed all the children.  And then they killed all the babies.  And then they killed all the animals.  And then they burned the city to the ground.  And everyone except Rahab and the people in her house were left bleeding on the streets as their corpses were consumed by the fires of sectarian vengeance.

So the moral of the story is that hiding in your home and trading the lives of thousands to save yourself and a soccer team’s worth of your closest friends while innocent people are mercilessly exterminated is heroic.  And that when you meet some spies that are coming to kill you, you can survive, but just to be safe, you should probably swallow.

Outro:

Before we cue the fat lady tonight I wanted to let everyone know that we’ve got an hour long special episode coming up in a couple of weeks.  We’re putting together a bit of a retrospective to celebrate 50 episodes so if you have a favorite skit, a favorite headline, a favorite guest or just a favorite moment from our first 48 episodes, email us and let us know.  Heath and I are already hard at work putting together a few montages and mash-ups, but we’d love your help selecting the highlights.

I also wanted to remind everyone that if we don’t get enough 5 star reviews on iTunes every week, Tinker Bell dies so keep those reviews coming.

Of course, I need to thank Heath for 364 days of hard work and hilarity.  I need to thank Lucinda for knocking the bible story out of the park once again.  I also need to toss out a big thanks to admirable atheist and legendary Twitter rationalist Mr. Oz Atheist for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s one of the 4 must follow atheist Twitter accounts and if you prefer your atheism longform you can find his blog at Mr Oz Atheist (dot) Blogspot (dot) com.  You’ll find links to both his Twitter account and his blog on the shownotes for this episode and I highly recommend following both.

http://mrozatheist.blogspot.com/

 https://twitter.com/MrOzAtheist

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s quintessential examples of humanity; Kerry, Mathew with one T, Duncan, Max, Andrew, Kenny, Laura, Colin, Matthew with two Ts, Ryan, Wayne, Thomas, Tim, Karen and Lucia.  Kerry, Mathew and Duncan, whose brilliance is overshadowed only by large objects moving between them and the primary light source; Max Andrew and Kenny, the only three high-school graduates ever voted “most likely to avert a natural disaster with their mammoth genitals”; Laura, Colin and Matthew, who are so genetically perfect their genomes are written in iambic pentameter; Ryan, Wayne and Thomas, who are able to spot bullshit cinematic abuses of scientific terms in under 12 parsecs; and Tim, Karen and Lucia, whose intellects collectively inspired the term “neuronal Olympian”.

These 15 paragons of plenary perfection have proved their perspicuity, prudence, pulchritude and prosperity this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the alliterative collection of plosive qualities necessary to donate to this show, but if you enjoy the show, have money and like being complimented, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but if you want more, there’s more.  I’ll be appearing on upcoming episodes of Cognitive Dissonance, the Imaginary Friends Show and the burgeoning podcast “Atheists On Air”.  We’ll have links to those shows on all our social media sites as soon as they’re available.  Between now and then, make sure you like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, check us out on Stitcher, tell three friends about the show and leave us a glowing review on iTunes.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Live Blogging the Bible: Deuteronomy 12:31

July 17, 2013 77 comments

by Noah Lugeons

God loves a good genocide.

I can’t help but feel like they’re going out of their way to make this god character an asshole so that it’ll be more cathartic when he’s redeemed, but I’ve gotta be honest, even with 61 books to do it, I’m not sure if there’s any way they can make me like this guy.

So in chapter 12 god reminds us why we can’t realistically entertain the “moral guide” notion of the bible by spelling out all the good reasons to thoroughly destroy every member and memory of the cities they’re all about to ravage.  This is late in the chapter after a thrilling and detailed reminiscence about proper meat-eating etiquette.

God’s explaining why you shouldn’t worship any other gods or even know about how other people worship, which he reminds us of no fewer than infinity times in the book of Deuteronomy.  And in an apparent effort to soften the blow of killing women and children, livestock and slaves, then burning homes, buildings, temples, possessions, clothes and any remnant of a civilization to the ground, Moses takes a minute to remind us just how horrible these societies are:

You must not [worship their gods] because every abhorrent thing they have done for their gods.  They would even burn their sons and their daughters in the fire to their gods.

My first thought was of Abraham taking ol’ Isaac for a midnight stroll so the actual depth of the irony of this passage took me a second to process.  God’s in the middle of telling them to kill all of these heathens, even the children.  Their god is telling them that they have to burn their enemy’s children because their enemies would burn their children for their god.

But it’s totally still divinely inspired, though…

Live Blogging the Bible, Genesis 12:12-20

April 19, 2013 Leave a comment

by Noah Lugeons

So this Abram (cum Abraham) is a morally dubious motherfucker, which is clear pretty early on.  When we meet the guy, he’s almost immediately whoring his wife off to the Pharaoh.  A famine falls upon the land and he has to have this uncomfortable conversation with his wife:

“Hey baby, I know you’re smoking hot and anybody who sees you is gonna want to fuck you, even if they have to kill me to do it.”

“Well, thanks… kind of,” Sarai says back.

“Now, we could not go to Egypt, for sure, and if we don’t nobody will kill me to fuck you,” he added.

“Yes,” Sarai said hopefully, “let’s do that.”

But Abram had other plans, you see.  “Well, yeah, we could.  But I bet there’s another way to go about this where we get donkeys and shit.”

“Do you get killed?” she asked hopefully.

“Nope.”

“Do I get fucked?” she asked, equally hopefully.

“Well, yeah.”

He then proceeds to whore her off to the Pharaoh for some sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male and female slaves, female donkeys and camels.  Note that they don’t specify the genders on the sheep, oxen or camels, but they make sure to tell you that Abraham got enough donkeys to make more.

And what does god do about the whole “pretend-my-wife-is-my-sister-so-I-can-whore-her-off-for-livestock” charade?  He punishes the poor Pharaoh who gave up donkeys of multiple genders for a barren, married prostitute.

This is a really fucked up book.

Live Blogging the Bible, Genesis 4:24

April 18, 2013 Leave a comment

by Noah Lugeons

So I’m reading the bible for this Holy Babble segment we’re doing on the show and I figured as I was reading I’d toss a few of my random thoughts out.  These’ll probably be short posts where I reflect on something that I probably won’t have time to mention on the show.

My first such reflection comes in the 4th chapter of Genesis.  We’re right in the middle of a “who-fucked-who” list (of which Genesis seems to have plenty) and suddenly my boy Lamech shows up out of nowhere with bloody hands and a crazed look in his eye.  This homicidal polygamist gathers his wives together and says:

Adah and Zillah (his wives, banging chicks from A-Z, this boy was), hear my voice (what the hell else would they hear?);

You wives of Lamech, listen to what I say: (the Bible likes to repeat itself)

I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for striking me.

If Cain is avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy-seven fold”

And then we’re back to fuck-lists.  This just pops up out of nowhere and as near as I can tell, it’s not setting up something else.  So basically Lamech just shows up in the middle of the bible to tell everybody what a bad ass he is.  I can’t help but think of him in the room while the scribes were writing it going, “Put in a part where I’m a badass.  At least ten times… no eleven times more badass than Cain!”

So that was weird.  Anyway, back to bible study.

Episode 8: Partial Transcript

April 11, 2013 1 comment

by Noah Lugeons & Heath Enwright

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Mitt Romney’s new brand of baking soda, Mormon Hammer.  Guaranteed to keep your fridge as free of odor as it is of alcohol, caffeine and gender-equality.  So send one of your wives to the store and tell them to look for the whitest baking soda on the shelf: Mormon Hammer.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday, It’s April 11th and bananas are my worst nightmare.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from climatically-schizophrenic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • A Louisiana legislator tries to teach kids about religious freedom by taking it away,
  • We’ll use the word “fuck” more times than there’s any real need to and
  • My wife and my best friend will join me for the most disappointing threesome of all time.

But first, the Diatribe…

Diatribe:

“How Hubble Saved My Soul”

I rejected religion at an early age.  My parents were religious but they weren’t church-goers and they only made a half-ass attempt to brainwash me.  I can’t tell you exactly when I out-logiced religion, but my earliest atheist memory is at the age of 8 when my 3rd grade teacher settled an argument between me and some other kid by affirming that there was too a god.

Now, I’d say I was proud of that fact, but atheism is nothing to be proud of.  Outsmarting a book that starts contradicting itself in the second chapter isn’t very hard.  And, as I proved for many years after rejecting my parent’s faith, you can be both an atheist and a gullible dipshit simultaneously.

See, I didn’t do the whole religion thing, but I was every bit as irrational in my puerile new-age hippy tie-dye, goatee, anything goes, neo-pagan spiritualism.  I dismissed all the doctrines, but I still had a soft spot in my brain for ancient wisdom.  What’s more, I wanted magic and eternal life.  I just wasn’t willing to get them from a church.

So I alternately identified myself as a Wiccan, a spiritualist, a Thelemite or, my personal favorite, a Pangeantheologist.  I read books on witchcraft and Kabbalah and chakras and high magick and low magick and herbal magick and color magick and chaos magick and shamanic magick and Enochian magick.  And I read the I Ching and I read Tarot cards and I read runes and I read palms.  And I read Aleister Crowley and Raymond Buckland and Donald Kraig and Israel Regardie and Peter Carroll.  And I went to pagan communes and I met gurus and I went on silence retreats and I danced naked around bonfires and I called upon ancient spirits and I invoked undines and deep down I knew the whole time that it was a load of shit.

The cognitive dissonance wasn’t that hard at first, because I was getting laid.  But it got harder and harder as I learned more and more about this stuff.  There was never any substance.  It never made any more sense.  There were never any deeper secrets and there were never any results.

My friends would all say, “Oh, you’ve gotta meet this guru” and when I do, I figure out five minutes in that he knows less about what he’s talking about than I do after reading three books on the subject.   I would get together with some coven for a big communal spell and I would happen to catch them on one of those rare nights when nothing happened at all.  Or worse yet, you would know the ceremony was over when the most gullible jackass in the room says, “Did you feel that?!”

And as I’m going through this whole five year acid trip of the soul, something else was happening too.  And even though I wouldn’t realize it for a quite a while, it was steadily eroding the foundation of my bullshit; I started to see the images being returned from the Hubble Space Telescope.

Like practically everyone, I fell in love with these images as soon as I saw them. I was fascinated and I couldn’t possibly see enough. I wanted to know more about what they were and the incredible universe they revealed. But more than that I wanted to know how we got them and what they meant.  It was slow and sometimes painful, but that was the origin of my love for science.

Somehow underpaid, uninspired public school teachers had failed to instill any real appreciation for something as fascinating as everything in my developing mind and it took seeing the universe in this scale for me to truly appreciate the wonders of human curiosity.

But it sure made that cognitive dissonance harder.  After all, if science said what I believed was bullshit and they could back it up with pictures of the entire fucking universe, who was I to disagree?  How could I cocoon myself in some arrogant worldview that places humanity in the center of it all when there were things like the Hubble Deep Field Image to contradict me?

Even the young religions had a multi-century head start on science when it came to this whole “heaven” thing and they were happy to tell you what it was like and who was in charge and how you could get there, but they never managed to take pictures. We never glimpsed the earliest stars through the power of herbal supplements. We never saw a cloud of dust four light years across through proper breathing techniques.  We never saw galaxies forming with color-infused water.  The methods and practiced that all my hippy gurus promoted had been around for centuries and sometimes millenia, and yet knowledge of their deep and mystical secrets had never managed something as stupefying and eye-opening as even the lowliest of Hubble’s observations.  And yes, I’m talking about the blurry shit before they fixed it.

Sure, you eat enough mushrooms and get in a sweat lodge, you’ll see all the bright lights and pretty colors Hubble has to offer, but there’s nothing there.  Just like every other silly little spiritual distraction, there’s nothing there.  It’s all empty, hollow, meaningless, unsatisfying, Chicken Soup for the Brain drivel.  It demands that you suspend your disbelief even to the point of suspending your own senses.  It demands that you practice for years at something you can’t actually get better at.  It demands that you nod along with every stupid post-modernist notion some yoga instructor blurts out because you don’t want to be the only one at the party wearing incredulity.

But science, as Carl Sagan said, brings the goods. The appeal of all the spiritual mumbo-jumbo was rooted in my desire to be part of something larger, but when I glanced at the universe through the eyes of a space telescope, I saw that science was offering me something larger than any new-age guru could dream of. And what’s more is that it was real; tangible; provable. Unlike the “truth” offered by faith, science demands nothing in return.

And that’s how Hubble saved my soul.

Headlines:

Joining me tonight for headlines is my fidus Achates, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to, um… I don’t know, feed us?

In our lead story tonight, the state of North Carolina decided to declare a state religion last week, then the ether wore off and they wondered who that lump in the bed was and where that tattoo came from and what the fuck they were thinking.

This story starts in Rowan County, North Carolina (go Mustangs!) where a lawsuit threatened to stop county commissioners from opening their meetings with a prayer.  They had two choices, one was concede, give up the prayer and not look like stupid assholes.  The other was to try to rewrite the constitution.

  • They were trying to invoke a silly little idea that I remember my 10th grade history teacher asserting.  The idea is that the constitution only forbids congress from establishing a religion, not the individual states.
  • I’m not sure if there’s any real constitutional ground for that argument but I’m skeptical and so is North Carolina House Speaker Thom Tillis, who killed the bill once the national media started to make a stink about this.  Which suggests to me that somehow North Carolina legislators didn’t realize that people were gonna make a stink about this.
  • And that’s why we need watchdog groups.

LEAD STORY: The North Carolina State Religion: http://news.yahoo.com/could-north-carolina-actually-declare-state-religion-130700725.html Follow Up : http://www.goddiscussion.com/108691/north-carolina-house-speaker-kills-bill-that-would-have-allowed-the-state-to-create-a-state-sponsored-religion-in-violation-of-first-amendment-to-the-constitution/

And in “I’ll see your state religion and raise you twelve pounds of raw bat-shit” news, Louisiana State Representative Katrina R. Jackson has proposed a new bill that would force students to recite the Lord’s Prayer along with the Pledge of Allegiance every morning.

With an inspiring effort to yet be the most destructive Katrina in Louisiana’s history, Representative Jackson attempts to justify the bill with some of the most Orwellian language since Orwell.  She actually says:

  • “Students shall be informed that these exercises are not meant to influence an individual’s personal religious beliefs in any manner.”
  • The recitations shall be conducted so that students learn of America’s great freedoms, including the freedom of religion symbolized by the recitation of the Lord’s Prayer.

Louisiana state rep proposes a prayer-in-school law: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/04/05/louisiana-state-representative-students-should-learn-freedom-of-religion-by-reciting-the-lords-prayer-every-morning/

And following up on a story we covered back in episode 4, the big Jesus picture in Jackson, Ohio is coming down.  You’ll recall a flurry of defensive posturing by the school board, who insisted that nothing on heaven or earth was going to make them take down their beloved Jesus pitcher.

Well, it turned out that all it took was an insurance company deciding that Jesus was a liability.  And this goes to show you how heartless we atheists are.  They tried to compromise.  They offered to take the picture down from the Middle School and put it up in the High School but that wasn’t good enough for those secular humanist jackoffs.

But I do think it’s worth pointing out what a signpost this really is.  It doesn’t take too many successful lawsuits by atheists to convince insurance companies to pull the plug on shit like this before it ends up wasting a truckload of taxpayer money.

Follow Up: School in Jackson Ohio agrees to remove Jesus painting: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/04/03/the-giant-portrait-of-jesus-is-finally-coming-down/

And in more shameful news, a new poll finds that 13% of Americans think that Obama is the anti-Christ.  Many of our listeners will have already heard about this survey, as we’re not the only media outlet that found that number interesting.  In addition to that statistic, the study also found that:

  • 20% of Americans believe that childhood vaccines are linked to autism,
  • 9% believe that fluoride is added to the water to control our minds,
  • And 4% believe that shape-shifting lizards secretly control our government.

I find some of those numbers hard to believe and I hope that there was a lot of the “these questions have gotten so stupid I’m gonna start fucking with the interviewer” effect in it, but the fact that David Icke’s lizard theory is even well known enough to be included on the survey is plenty of evidence of some horrible failures in public education.

–          I’d still be ashamed if only 13% of people believed that there would be an anti-christ.

Studies show that 13% of Americans think Obama is the anti-Christ: http://www.publicpolicypolling.com/pdf/2011/PPP_Release_National_ConspiracyTheories_040213.pdf

And sometimes you’re combing through news sources and you see a headline so promising you know it’s gonna make the show even before you read the article.  A headline on the Christian Newswire caught my attention the other day.  It said, and I quote, “Stephen Hawking Solves Bible Creation Mystery Proving the Bible Accurate”.

And basically what we’ve got here is every bit as stupid as what you expect when you read it.  This apologist Paul Hutchins is trying to employ one of the Muslim apologist’s favorite tactics, the one where you say, “look at all the science that my book of bullshit predicts.”

This is kind of a dubious tactic in my mind, since all but eight words of the bible are contradicted by science, but nevertheless, he’s trying to say that the creation account in Genesis is in keeping with our current beliefs about how the planet formed.

Now, I’ll give him the credit of saying that he does get there, but he asks for a few huge favors when it comes to interpretation, including but not limited to:

–          When the bible talks about 6 days they just mean “6 unequal periods of indeterminate time”

–          When the bible says “Let there be light” what they clearly meant was “Let the sun transition from a protostar to a main sequence star.”

–          When it talks about god making the sun 4 days after making day and night, they meant that he made the sun visible through the cloud of pre-solar system planetary fragments.

 

  • He keeps talking about how these things “correspond exactly” to the Genesis account.

Stephen Hawking Solves Bible Creation Mystery Proving the Bible Accurate (I shit you not, that’s what the headline says): http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/2911771800.html

And finally tonight, The Foundation Beyond Belief has announced is 2nd quarter beneficiaries.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Foundation Beyond Belief, it is a most excellent secular charity that gathers donations in the name of atheism and then distributes them to a number of deserving charities.

Basically, they do all the hard work of confirming that none of your charitable dollars are going to support one of these half-charity/half-proselytizing funds.  Which is helpful if you’ve ever wondered exactly how much of the money you gave to the Salvation Army was spent opposing gay rights.

The five charities selected for this quarter are:

  • The One Acre Fund
  • The Innocence Project of Texas
  • T’ruah
  • Bernie’s Book Bank
  • And Trees, Water & People

To learn more about these charities and all the news items discussed on this episode, be sure to check out the shownotes at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Foundation Beyond Belief Announces its 2nd quarter beneficiaries. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/04/03/foundation-beyond-belief-announces-q2-2013-slate-of-charities/

That does it for headlines tonight.  Heath, appreciate your help as always.

And Heath, please stick around.  When we come back, Lucinda Lugeons will join Heath and me for a little Bible study.

Skit:

Writer:  Hey chief – Did you get a chance to look at the draft I sent you of “The Bible”?

Editor:  Oh yeah the fictional allegory book . . . I looked it over . . . Why don’t you have a seat.

W:  Sure, how did you like it?

E:  (Sigh) I didn’t love it. I’m just a little worried people might take some of it literally.

W:  Come on, seriously? The stories are absurd. How could someone take them literally?

E:  Well… whenever the scripture department releases something, readers tend to get a little too carried away.  Remember the shit show after we printed the Torah? Which actually brings me to my next concern . . . and if I’m way off base here, I’m sorry . . . But it seems like you pretty much plagiarized the entire Hebrew Bible for this first half. Is that what you did?

W:  Listen, the Jews are not a very litigious people, so it’s not look they’re gonna sue us. But maybe I’ll add a few footnotes to properly cite the direct quotes.

E:  Don’t get me wrong, that thing’s way overdue for a sequel, but do we really have to reprint the whole first book with it?  That’s gonna cost a pretty shekel.

W: I’ll be honest, I had a little bit of writer’s block, and I couldn’t seem to get the ball rolling.  I added some stuff though.  Judith, Wisdom… um… Maccabees…

E:  Yeah, we might have to trim that part.

W: Are you sure?

E:  Not really no.  Look, I understand borrowing from it, that’s not a huge problem.   It’s not like a religious text is just going to pop into your head, divinely inspired, ready to print.

W: Right, I’m not just gonna find a bunch of golden plates with the words of god etched into them.  So I did some research, and the Torah had a lot of stuff very similar to what I was looking to write myself. One god, omnipotent vengeance scenarios, get really mad at any future religion that also likes the Middle East. It just made sense as a jumping off point.

E:  Okay let’s circle back to that. Open up your copy to the Leviticus section.

W:  I’ve gotta stop you right there. I know what you’re gonna say. That was a really weird time for me. I had to stone my 4th concubine AND 3 slaves to death that month. Lots of mixed emotions. And my normal guy was out of town, so I had to call this delivery service I never used before, and I’m pretty sure they laced the frankincense with something crazy.

E:  Listen, it’s understandable. I’m thinking maybe just a little disclaimer at the beginning. Novelty purposes only, or something.

W:  I really think you’re underestimating the intelligence of our readership. It’s not like a giant population the world over is going to get swept up in some sort of crusade to make sure everyone agrees – word for word – with my little book here.

E:  I guess you’re right. I’m probably being paranoid. I just had one other concern . . . Why all the hate against gays?

W:  What?

E:  All the anti-homosexual passages.

W:  Where are there any anti-homosexual passages?

E:  Right here in Leviticus. “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.” Then later in Romans and again in Jude.  It seems like you’re at least tacitly allowing the lesbian stuff, but still…

W:  I thought it was clear that this section was tongue in cheek. I guess I really didn’t sell the sarcasm. And I wasn’t even talking about the sex part, just the lying in bed after. Nobody wants to see 2 men cuddling. That’s just faggoty.

E:  And what’s with all the Yoda talk, and the weird numbering. You really think people are going to refer back to this one book, line by line, and need reference numbers? Normal page numbers, like every other book, should be just fine.

W:  That was a software issue. I wrote the thing in Aramaic, and when the word processor translated the characters over to Times Old Roman Latin, a bunch of random numbers showed up by accident.

E: Okay, let’s skip ahead to this “New Testament” part.  I get what you’re going for here and I like the idea of god having a kid in the sequel, but that whole part seemed way off to me.  The first four chapters just seem to be telling the same story over and over and none of them agree on the details.  It’s just weird.

W:  Yeah, I started off with a “choose your own adventure” concept in mind but eventually I just slapped everything together in that opening chunk.

E: (Big Sigh) Look, I’m gonna be perfectly honest with you.  Religious texts are hot right now and the epic poetry division hasn’t had a best seller in centuries.  There’s a lot of problems here, but we’re probably gonna roll with it anyway.

W: Good to hear.

E:  Do you have anything in mind for the sequel?

W:  I’m thinking illiterate, child raping warlord on a flying horse.

E:  Not bad.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show where we set aside a few minutes to talk up some of the great atheist and secular meet-ups going on around the country and around the world.

We’ll start off with a Skepticamp event in Essex County, Massachusetts on April 13th.  Runs from 9:30 to 4, has some really interesting topics lined up and ends out with a Skeptical Trivia event that should be a lot of fun.

http://skepticamp.capeannskeptics.com/?page_id=45

On April 20th we have the South Dakota Conference of Reason in Sioux Falls.  And I know that people who live in and around South Dakota have a lot of choices when it comes to atheist conferences, but this one should be worth the drive.

Facebook Page for conference: https://www.facebook.com/events/214700748667522/?fref=ts

On the 27th of April there’ll be another Skepticamp event in Denver with an equally impressive slate of topics including a pretty promising talk on pseudo-astronomy, woo in women’s health and teen atheist outreach.

http://skepticamp.org/wiki/Skepticamp_Denver_2013

And finally in Atlanta we’ve got a three day skepticamp conference starting on the 3rd of May and running through the weekend.

http://www.atlantaskeptics.com/skepticamp/

And how could I not mention the fact that the Brisbane Atheists are hosting a Pirate Party for their monthly meet up on April 30th.  I’d love to go just to find out what pirate-speak sounds like with an Australian accent.  And incidentally, if any of my Australian listeners want to settle that mystery for me, feel free to send an audio clip.

http://www.somewheretothink.com.au/events/pirate-party-australia-brisbane-monthly-meetup-2013-04-30/

That’ll do it for the calendar this week, but I want to remind everybody listening that if you’re involved with an atheist, skeptical or secular event that could use some publicity, let me know.  Also if you’re aware of any good online resources for such events, let me know about those as well.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist (dot) com.  And remember, we’re weekly now so I need all the help I can get filling this segment.

Outro:

I had a couple of quick announcements before we close out the show.  We’ve been putting a few segments of the show on You-Tube so if you want to share one part of the show with somebody who might not be able to make it through the whole show, check out our You-Tube channel for some bite-sized pieces of The Scathing Atheist.

We’ve also added a donation button to the website so if you were anxious to give us money, you could do that.  Those donations are tax-deductible, but unfortunately that’s only for residents of Tatooine, Mordor and the magical land of Hyrule.  The rest of you still have to pay your taxes.

We’ll have the long version of the Holy Babble segment up on the extras page on the website soon so be sure to check that out.  Wanted to thank everyone who’s made their way over to iTunes to leave us a five star review.  Gotta thank Lucinda and Heath for helping out tonight.

And I want to give a big thanks to George Hrab for both providing the Farnsworth quote to start us out and for entertaining the shit out of my wife and I last Friday night.  The guys an incredible musician so if you’re a fan of the music, find an opportunity to watch him live.  It’s an incredible experience and I’ll have links to all his upcoming events on the shownotes for the page.  He also has a really fun podcast that I’ll link to as well.

http://about.me/georgehrab

http://www.geologicpodcast.com/

That does it for tonight, but if you want more be sure to check out our erratically published blog, follow us on Twitter @Noah (underscore) Lugeons, like us on Facebook, subscribe to us on You-Tube, listen to us on Stitcher and give us money.

If you want to learn more about the news items and events discussed on this program, check out the shownotes for this episode.  If you have any comments, questions or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the “Contact” page at Scathing Atheist (dot) Com.  All the music used in this program was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.