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Episode 58 – Partial Transcript

March 27, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.  An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)

Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.

Sponsor:

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s March 27th,

And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York

And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,

  • We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,

  • And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do.  Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead.  But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.

But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave.  Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died.  But I’m not heartless.  I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone.  And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety.  But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.

It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.”  It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool.  And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps.  I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.

Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes.  We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact.  He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.

Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian.  He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish.  He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.

But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him.  It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using.  And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief.  According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin.  Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.

And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch.  The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks.  Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.

They also make sure to point out how small the church was.  Only 40 active members.  100 at it’s height.  And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers.  Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.

So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith?  I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit?  Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”.  There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.

Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either.  If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?

Doesn’t matter.  The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler.  And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion?  And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to play ball?

Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500

Fair enough.  In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”.  The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act.  Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions.  The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.

And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives.  First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented.  Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will.  That’s it!!!  Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive.  The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.

One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion.  Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds.  And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.

Good point … People are corporations too.  

The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.

Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception

And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.  

If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.

Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …

And they wouldn’t have.  But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.    

This is such a confusing story.  The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…

So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious.  It’s like their own little triangular trade.  And against all odds, it might be more offensive.  Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.

German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html

And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.

At least they chose cars.  Classy move.  Way less rapey than vans.  As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.

After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman.  Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.

Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least?  Fun size is bullshit.  If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!  

Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.

Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/

And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces.  Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)  

I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.

Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.

Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.

Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin.  If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.

I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that.  Anyway, you were saying…

So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.”  I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny.  Just a cool trick.”  She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!”  Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words.  It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child.  Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.”  There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.”   When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.  

Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/

And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos.  They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.

(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!

In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”

What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.

Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries.  Go!

Let There Be Spinal Tap!

Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity

When We Were 2 Kings

MythTrusters

Global Forming: A Convenient Lie

Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”

Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”

The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology

Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”

The X-tra Chromosome Files

Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep

Commuting With Dinosaurs

The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show

Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html

And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.  

And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.

At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …

Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.

The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.”  So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day.  It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch.  The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …   

There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it.  It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.

Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.

Pitch:

Does this ever happen to you?

(Sound FX montage)

Well we can’t help you with that.  But what we can help you do is become an official Scathing Atheist patron at Patreon (dot) com.

Patreon (dot) com is a fantastic service that allows you to give us money easier than ever before.  Signing up for as little as one dollar an episode, you can sleep comfortably, knowing that Noah won’t have to give quite so many handjobs for our bandwidth upgrade.  

I’ll still give just as many, but not because I have too.

Quality, not quantity, right?

Exactly.  But that’s not all!  Scathing Atheist patrons get a bevy of beneficial bonuses.  You see, every week we record between three and ten minutes of extra material that ends up on the cutting room floor.

These never-before-released minutes include expletives, puns, and a littany of verbosely-worded dick and fart jokes.

But these emission omissions can be yours when you become a Patreon Patron.  That’s ten to thirty percent more Scathing Atheist every week.  How much would you pay?

A million dollars!

But don’t answer yet…

Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.

But there’s even more.  You’ll also get the show as soon as it’s edited, rather than anxiously counting down the minutes until 8am eastern daylight time.

That sounds too good to be true!

But it isn’t!  For just one dollar per episode you get the unedited, director’s cut of every new episode and you get those episodes early.  Plus you get an outlandishly over the top compliment on the next episode.

But that’s not all!

Actually, that is all.

For one dollar per episode, sure.  But you can give us more than that.

That’s right Heath.  And the more you give, the more you get.

That’s right Noah.  If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.

But do I still get the over the top compliment, the longer episodes and the early releases?

You do.  But that’s still not all!

That’s right because you can also give us even more money.  If you donate at least five dollars per episode, we’ll also toss in a signed paperback copy of the new book.  Plus you’ll get advance copies of all the new Scathing Atheist presents books before they’re available to the public.

That’s sounds too good to be true.

I know!

Seriously… I don’t believe you.  That’s just too good a deal.

I know!

So how can we be certain that you’re not full of shit?

I guess you’ll have to check out our Patreon page and see for yourself.  That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.

It’s easy to set up a recurring micropayment.  Macropayments are equally easy.  Enter your information once and Patreon will bill your credit card or Paypal account once per month.  You can even set up a limit in case you’re afraid we’ll release 106 episodes one month just to fuck you out of a lot of money.

And remember, if you were a Patreon Patron, this segment would end with Heath saying “Turtle Fucker” three times in a funny voice.  But if you’re not, it just ends with me saying this sentence.

Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.

Babble – Esther:

Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all.  Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written.  It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.

But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.

So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

So what did you think of Esther?

It was weird.  It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story,  but who gives a shit?

Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle.  So why don’t you start us off?

  1. Sure.  The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet.  At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.

    1. She refuses and that causes a huge scandal.  Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.

  • Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes.  So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope.  That uppity bitch has got to go!!!

  1. So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.

    1. And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.

    2. The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.

  • And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad.  Smart move.

    1. But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.

  1. Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.

    1. Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust.  The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month.  After the playoffs.”

  • Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise.  There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.

  1. So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”

  • “The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich.  Could you please?  Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ???  Whenever you get a minute.  Not a huge deal.”

  1. She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.”  So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .

    1. Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship.  Every fucking time you turn around…

    2. So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it.  So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?

    3. Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s

  • Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”

  1. Chapter six was actually pretty clever.

    1. Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…

    2. Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him.  So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?”  And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine.  Then the king says, “Great idea!  Do that for the jew that you hate.”

  2. So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”  

  • “If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”

  • Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”

    1. So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.

  1. But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order.  Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.

  • And the Jews can plunder now.  That was in the fine print of chapter 8.  They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on.  Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.

  • Don’t call it that.

  1. Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?”  And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?”  And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”

  • Yeah Esther became queen at 14.  Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits?  Seems to be a mitvah.  Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?

    1. And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.

    2. Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.

  1. And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.

  • And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …

This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well.  There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.

As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?

Well no, but at least some of the kings existed.  Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks.  We’re nearing the halfway point guys…

Just nearing?

Anyway, thanks as always.

 

Outro:

Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week.  Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.

Why May 2nd?  Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend.  The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke.  I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book.  Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.

I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff.  John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.

These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page.  If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week.  Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube.  If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

 

 

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Episode 50 – Partial Transcript

January 30, 2014 8 comments

by Heath Enwright, Noah & Lucinda Lugeons and Eli Bosnick

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language.  And this week, we’re going for the record.

 

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nepalese cancer-curing carbonated cow piss soda, Mount Hin-Du.

Mount Hin-Du; we put the Brahman in Brominated vegetable oil.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s January 30th

And we’re doing a full-hour this week, so you have to pay double.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from nearly 4th Avenue-less New York, New York…

…and less-than-4-avenues-having Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • A preacher learns the hard way that despite what the Bible says, poison can kill you,

  • I’ll offer a Nebraska state senator a rim job,

  • He’ll bargain his way up to a rusty trombone,

  • And Eli Bosnick will join us to justify a fourth bullet point.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

The other day I got an email from Tyler.  Tyler used to be an atheist, but now he or she has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior and wanted to come on the show to tell all of us heathens the wonderful news about Jesus.  He or she offered to answer any questions we might have about Jesus-iness with the warning that he or she was (quote) “not an expert in theology”.

So here I have this rare opportunity to speak with somebody who loves Jesus and doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.  How could I say no?  Well, here’s how:

“Thanks for your email, Tyler.  I can only assume that you’ve never listened to the show and are only responding to the word ‘atheist’ in the title, but let me assure you that nobody who listens to our program wants to hear you talk about Jesus.  Thanks anyway.”

To which Tyler offered a one word reply, (quote) “okay.”

This is not the first Christian who has tried to wriggle their way onto our docket of future guests.  It used to happen once a month or so, but now I’m getting requests like these at least once a week.  Some of them are from theists that want to debate the merit of their particular fantasy and some are from avid listeners that just want to hear that debate.

And my answer is always the same, though when it’s a listener I phrase it a bit more congenially.  My answer is “no”, and if I’m pressed for an explanation it’s some derivative of “‘cause I don’t wanna.”  I don’t want to engage these people, I don’t want to pretend that there’s some merit to their argument, I don’t want to listen to the blithering bastardization of science in their arsenal, I don’t want to be polite and I also don’t want to shout “go fuck yourself” at somebody I’ve invited on the show.  What’s more, I don’t want to subject our listeners to it.

Not all of these aspiring guests are as cordial as Tyler, of course.  Many of them lash out at me in response and accuse me of cowardice, of intellectual dishonesty, of insulating myself behind a wall of like-minded opinions.  They paint the picture of a terrified psyche, desperately clinging to the untenable belief that invisible wizards play no part in human affairs, fearful that if somebody comes on our show and says Jesus a lot my worldview will crumble around me and the god-sized hole in my heart will bleed out.

The arrogance here would be staggering if I weren’t already so familiar with the audacity of Christian privilege.  They seem to think that as an atheist I’m duty bound to offer equal time to the opinion that we started the podcast to offset; as though I’m under some obligation to use the platform we’ve created to promote the point of view antithetical to my own.  It’s not enough for them that there are five hundred Christian programs for every atheist program, they want to be on ours as well.  What’s more, they feel that they have some kind of divine right to it.

And why?  Is it a staple of Christian entertainment to bring on the biblical scholar and show them how wrong they’ve got it?  Do most sermons end with an atheist counterpoint?  Does Joel O’Steen spend much time debating heathens on his podcast?  And do these same bitter fuck monkeys that contact me also write in to Jewish podcasts and Buddhists podcasts and Wiccan podcasts demanding that they defend their faith in an Oxford style debate?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not against public debates.  As long as they’re not being used to raise money for an institution dedicated to anti-scientific indoctrination (ahem) Bill Nye (ahem), I’m all for the atheist community engaging.  I’m glad there are people like Sam Harris and Shelly Kagan out there making William Lane Craig look stupid.  And I’m happy there are shows like the Atheist Experience that take all comers and engage with whatever nincompoop calls in.  I’m glad that shows like that exist, I just don’t want to host one.

And no, it’s not because I’m afraid I’ll lose.  It’s pretty easy to win a debate when the other side is trying to prove that Jack’s beanstalk really existed.  But just because I can shovel a large pile of shit doesn’t mean I want to, and it sure doesn’t mean that anybody would want to listen to it if I did.

Besides, debate isn’t just about presenting the better argument.  Sometimes the person with all the facts on their side can lose a debate in the eyes of the audience just by seeming arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.  And if there’s anything this show has proven in its first 49 episodes, it’s that I’m arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines this week is semi-professional vulgarian Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to be vulgar?

What, no fancy montage for me?

(Heath cursing montage)

Do I really fucking curse that much?

In our lead story tonight, Oklahoma Republican lawmaker Mike Turner has proposed a bill that would protect Oklahomans from the dark forces of two-cock wedlock this week by banning marriage altogether.  Arguing that the fucking baby shouldn’t have been mixed in with the bathwater in the first place, Turner argues that the courts have left him no other legal recourse for his wretched, small-minded hostility.

Are they under the impression that the gay-marriage-ban thing has been working so far?!?  If they let this one slide, dudes are gonna start having butt sex for the first time?  Spawning gay families?

The scrap of sanity hidden in his morass of malevolence is the Libertarian notion that states shouldn’t be in the business of regulating marriage, a point that might have debatable merit if it weren’t derived entirely from faith-fueled fanaticism.  To his credit, Turner makes no attempt to sell this legislation as based on high-minded principles; crediting the inspiration for the move entirely to god’s well-advertised hatred of fags.

Can we stop pretending that legislation about the definition of the word ‘marriage’ makes any fucking difference.  This is Christian assholes finding absurdist measures to make sure gay people can’t get taxed fairly.  As if eternal damnation isn’t punishment enough.  

Ryan Kiesel, executive director of the Oklahoma ACLU characterizes the move as desperate political posturing that is all but guaranteed to fail.  When asked about the proposed ban, Kiesel called the legislators backing the bill (quote) “…out of touch with most Oklahomans” (end quote), though off the record I’m sure he called them a hell of a lot worse than that.

Oklahoma Republican introduces bill to block gay marriage in by outlawing marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/01/25/oklahoma-republicans-bill-would-block-same-sex-marriage-by-stopping-all-marriages/

And in “Ejaculate the Ripper” news, Georgia church official Craig Lamar Davis was found guilty of felony charges, for willfully spreading the HIV virus, despite his defense that his AIDS diagnosis only happened because of all the crack he smokes.  When asked by prosecutors: “Then why are you taking AIDS medicine?” … Davis responded that it’s a preventative measure, after he heard a rumor that coincidentally all the women he sleeps with have AIDS somehow.

So here’s how fucked the Davis defense team was: Apparently part of their defense strategy was to put some AIDS denialists on the stand and argue that there’s no such thing as AIDS.  And that AIDS doesn’t come from HIV.  And that HIV tests are all bullshit anyway.  Hard to imagine how they lost this one.

Apparently it’s easier to get a job at a church than it is to become an Amsterdam hooker.  And Amsterdam hookers can literally be high on crack in the interview, as long as they don’t also have AIDS.  Bottom line: They preside over similar amounts of sexual activity, but Dutch pimps are far more responsible about it (and consensual about it) than God’s HR department.    

The thing they actually found him guilty of was “reckless HIV”.  That’s how they actually phrase it; two counts of reckless HIV.  Makes me think of him accidentally jacking off on somebody’s salad or something, “Oh, I’m sorry, did I get HIV on your plate?  How reckless of me.”

And because I’m also a twisted fuck, this story made me think of Billy Joel playing $10,000 Pyramid with Peter Griffin …

Billy Joel: “AIDS … Crack … Bernie Goetz …”

Peter Griffin: “Things that kill black people?”

I was gonna go with “things that have been in Amy Winehouse’s vagina”

But I think we’re a little off track, so just to summarize: The church official didn’t know about his AIDS because of the crack, and then couldn’t help but jizz-murder those women, because good Christians don’t use condoms.

This story has crack, HIV, and churchhttp://www.ajc.com/news/news/defendant-in-hiv-trial-found-guilty/ncwb6

And from the “At the Very God Damned Least” file tonight, a Nepalese court has ruled that when you rob children of their youth in order to worship them as temporary incarnations of a mythical being for a few years before tossing them back into the world educationally and socially retarded, you have to give them money.

Right assuming they only work their prepubescent slave-goddesses 60 hours a week for 5 years, they get about 78 cents an hour back-pay, spread out over 10 years, assuming laid-off Pre-Cogs can get new work and survive in society for that long.  

The ruling was a small step toward righting the insane and despicable institution of “Kumari”, in which little girls are worshipped as living goddesses until they get a muff tuft.  Apparently the girls are selected by strict physical criterion that includes shit like (quote) “an unblemished body, a chest like a lion and thighs like a deer.”  But just in case the thought of a team of experts examining the chests and thighs of prepubescent girls didn’t boil your blood at all, the few girls who are unlucky enough to meet the strict physical requirements must then prove their bravery by not crying while watching a buffalo get slaughtered.  At ages as young as FOUR.  And then the winner gets to live in a temple where they’ll be paraded around as objects of worship while not getting an education or having a childhood.

America has a more efficient system for dealing with the JonBenet Ramseys in our culture, when we’re done with them.  

I think it’s important to note that the court isn’t ending this practice.  They’re not phasing it out or forcing the temple to give the girls eight hours a day of education and some free time to fuck around with a rainbow loom or anything.  All they’ve done here is ruled that the girls have to be paid a pension for a few years after all this psychological abuse.  So apparently they weren’t even doing that.

Nepalese girls kidnapped by prehistoric nonsense to be compensated: http://www.gulf-times.com/nepal/250/details/377883/ex-kumari-welcomes-pension

And in “C-word isn’t just for Caucasian” news, Christian talking head and vice-presidential candidate abortion Sarah Palin celebrated Martin Luther King Day by telling President Obama that in honor of her nigga MLK, he should stop playing the race card …   Which is physically impossible.  Black people can’t stop playing the race card.  Barack Obama, despite his very best efforts, can’t just get a white library card and stop being a black President.  

Yeah, she’s on a limb even in her own party on this one.  Most republican Christians don’t want to revoke the race card; they just want to make sure you bring three forms of ID when you renew it.

There is speculation that Palin’s comments were a response to a recent New Yorker article, in which an Obama quote points out that some people like the idea of a black President, and some people dislike the idea of a black President.  Apparently this self-evident truth came off as a venomous Black Panther rant to the Alaskan hockey mom, who runs a neighborhood watch that helps NORAD visually detect Russian nuclear attacks.  If she’s scared of Obama, I want to see her interviewed with Richard Sherman.  

Well she does have some credential on this issue.  She was the governor of Alaska and you can see black people from Alaska, so she probably knows her shit.

So is it just me, or do you wish that MLK could hate fuck Sarah Palin, and you could pay $100 to watch??? … Famous civil rights leaders fucking awful white bitches … That’s a porn goldmine.  Which segues smoothly to about half a minute of clever new titles we’ll think up on the spot, right now.  

30 seconds on the clock.  Civil rights leaders fantasy porn titles: GO!!!

“White Dicks Palin Comparison to Malcolm’s XXL”

Susan B. On-her-knees starring in “The Undergown Railroad”

Right, with Harriet Chubman as the black hermaphrodite.

“Nelson Mandela Living in Bondage: Apar-Tied to the Bed Posts.”

Three Missing Civil Rights Workers, One Cup?  Too soon?  To do another two girls one cup joke?

No such thing.  The whole point of the genre is to see Anne Coulter get shat on …

So what about “Scat Turner’s Revolt”??? … “Desmond’s Number Tutu”???

Gotta get some guy on guy golden shower titles in there too, like “Martin Luther Queen in ‘I Have a Stream’”.  I believe Frederick Dug-Ass was in that too.

Pee at last!  Pee at last! …

Louis Farra-Conjugal Visits: The Insemi-Nation of Islam … Filmed on location at Martha Stewart’s Country Club Jail: Where choking a bitch is a white collar crime.

I like the Suffrage and Discipline stuff.  Like Elizabeth Cady Strap-on.

“Rosa Parks It in the Rear” … That one’s ironic, because black women don’t usually like anal.

Jesse Jacks-Off Jesse Jackson?

What about “Hand Jobs for Strokely Carmichael: Finally some white people doing manual labor.”

W.E.T. DuBoys and Medgar Whenevers in N Double D CP

Sarah Palin lectures Obama on race for MLK Day: http://www.latimes.com/local/abcarian/la-me-ra-on-mlk-day-tonedeaf-sarah-palin-says-obama-plays-the-race-card-20140120,0,3099194.story#axzz2rPG7wjaO

And in the disturbingly thin “Midwestern lawmakers who aren’t dogmatic turd-cuddlers” file, Nebraska state senator and openly atheist pioneer Ernie Chambers has introduced a bill that would eliminate state property-tax exemptions for churches.  Because you’d have to be a fucking idiot not see the logic in that.  Unfortunately for the future of the proposal, his colleagues largely don’t see the logic in that.

I love this guy Ernie Chambers, but his title “Most Atheist Member of the Nebraska State Senate” isn’t that impressive. Neither is “Smartest Member of the Nebraska State Senate” or “Blackest Member of the Nebraska State Senate”.  It’s like “Oldest Kid in the Cancer Ward”.

The language of his bill read almost like an audition to be a co-host on this show.  He basically just copied the existing list of exemptions and crossed out the word “religious” wherever it appeared.  He didn’t delete it, mind you, he left it there, but crossed out.  And as if that wasn’t awesome enough, in his statement of intent for the bill he reminded his Christian colleagues that Jesus was all about rendering unto Caesar what was Caesar’s and closed with the following actual quote: “All things considered, I expect my colleagues to say, regarding this bill: “Let thy will be done.” To which I can atone: “Amen.” (end quote)

Yeah his whole statement of intent was hilarious.  My favorite line might have been his opener: (quote) “The purpose of LB 675 is to help the State gain more revenue, rather than less, by taking away churches’ property tax exemptions.” (end quote)

Yeah, I would almost lick this dude’s asshole based solely on this story.  Of course, unlike the “outlaw-marriage so fags can’t have ‘em” bill we discussed earlier, this one has absolutely no chance of success, but it did boost Chambers into potential running mate status with Barney Frank in the Scathing Atheist’s involuntary presidential ticket for 2016.

Senator suggests taxing property: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/nebraskas-atheist-state-senator-introduces-bill-that-would-force-churches-to-pay-property-taxes

And in “Natural Born Again Killers” news, it’s been 613 days, so it’s no longer too soon to laugh at West Virginia preacher Mark Wolford, who died from a rattlesnake bite after performing a service with the deadly reptile on May 27, 2012.  As is often heard when redneck psychopaths have a mishap, someone yelled: “You get the truck!  I’ll get the snake bite juice!”  But instead of driving the truck to the hospital, Wolford was taken to a nearby safe house where they routinely take snake bite victims to rest themselves back to health.  And because that’s stupid, he died.  

If only all stupid was that fatal.

These guys are pushing that envelope as best they can.  Adherents of venomous snake handling cite God’s words from Mark 16: “In my name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” (end quote) …

This particular passage of the Bible has caused an entire category at the Darwin Awards.  Among the former winners is Wolford’s father, who also died of a snake bite the same way.  And as he watched his father die, he saw God give a subtle wink, which was apparently the really tricky sign this guy needed to carry on the family business.

So when this shit happens… generationally… it has to either be proof that Jesus isn’t a viable anti-venom or proof that these people don’t really love Jesus.  I think it’s probably the latter so my suggestion is that all true Christians attempt rattlesnake cunnilingus so that we can weed out the imposters.

Why aren’t they focusing on the other suggestions?!?  “Take up serpents” is obviously the worst one.  It would be far less destructive if they fondled breast cancer patients, and didn’t heal them.  Or if they just killed themselves by drinking poison.

West Virginia snake handling preacher dies from rattlesnake bite: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/05/30/11956841-snake-handling-preacher-dies-from-rattlesnake-bite-in-west-virginia

And in “I bet these idiots were wondering who Acklew was” news, the ACLU has filed suit against the Sabine Parish school district in Louisiana for a prodigious list of constitutional violations.  The suit accuses the school of a (quote) “long history of proselytizing students and promoting religion” (end quote) including, but not limited to incorporation of Christian prayer into school events, religious iconography in the halls and classrooms, an electronic marquee with a constant scroll of bible verses, the inclusion of the words “god exists” on the statement of beliefs for the school district, faculty led bullying and ostracization of non-Christian students, religious questions on science exams, the explicit teaching of creationism, offering extra-credit for believing in the Christian god and holding mandatory prayer assemblies.

For the church to pay back all the tax money they’ve stolen, and then add all those 50-shekel payments to new dads on top of that … They’re financially and morally bankrupt 1000 times over, and therefore no longer allowed to exist!!!

Oh, believe it or not, this story gets worse.  The ACLU is suing on behalf of a 6th grade Buddhist, whose science teacher allegedly included questions like (in all caps) “Isn’t it amazing what the (blank) has made” followed by, I shit you not, 32 exclamation points, and then called him stupid in front of the class when he refused to write “Lord” in the blank provided.  When his mother complained to the Superintendent she was apparently told that this was the bible belt and if she didn’t like it her son should either change his faith or move to another district where there are (allegedly quote) “more Asians.”

Whoa!!!  That’s Clossing the Rine!

ACLU sues LA school district for all kind of Christian bullshit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/this-district-just-got-sued-for-teaching-creationism-offering-extra-credit-for-writing-bible-verses-on-tests-more/

Moving on to “Not Quite Two Birds With One Drone” news, Pope Franti-matter helped two children almost publicly murder a pair of “peace doves”, by releasing them from his weird little speaking window above St. Peter’s Square, only to be immediately attacked by two of Obama’s atheist drones, disguised as a seagull and a large black crow.  The President denies any involvement, but he did give me a fist bump as he made the denial . . . And then he did this thing where he blew it up.  Like (blow up sound) … Black people are so cool.  

Yeah.  When white people try for cool handshakes it ends up looking like Michael J Fox playing roshambo with Stephen Hawking.  Black people got the style and the big dicks so I don’t know why they’re still so pissed that we got all the impartial justice and living wage jobs.

Catholics are traumatized, and suspect this is the work of Satan, Star Scream, or the Jews.  Strangely enough, nobody suspects the godless, Kenyan, Muslim, homosexual in the White House, who was likely also behind the August 2013 sabotage of an Oral Roberts jingoism rally, in which they hired a bald eagle to fly on stage, and instead it crashed to the floor in epic failure as an auditorium full of idiots chanted “USA!!!”  

And I’m surprised nobody’s put it together.  Don’t they know that Kenyans can communicate with animals?

I saw his birth video when he talked to Mufasa … And what’s with white people and our endangered species fetish?!?  We’re always doing ridiculous shit, like renting bald eagles, shooting pterodactyls with assault rifles, eating panda steaks, bow-hunting black people.  Somebody needs to stop us, or we will continue ruining the world.

Pope releases peace-doves, which get attacked by atheist birds: http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/pope-francis-s-peace-doves-attacked-by-birds-at-vatican-1.2511761?cmp=fbtl

And on that somber admission we’ll close out the headlines, Heath, thanks as always.

Happy to be here.

And when we return Eli Bosnick will join us to remind everybody that he’s funny as fuck.

Pitch:

On January 18th of 2013, at 7:17am Malaysian Standard Time, a new podcast was born, released into a cruel and unforgiving world with only it’s wits to guide it.

That podcast, was this podcast.

And since that day we’ve consistently brought you a new show every Thursday without exception.

Except for the first five episodes when it was biweekly.

We’ve consistently provided 30 minutes of high quality dick jokes…

Except episodes 10 and 25, which were an hour..

And we’ve had them to you at precisely 8am Eastern Time, every week.

Except episodes 43 and 48, which you fucked up and dropped early.

Heath and I work tirelessly every week,

(ahem)

Heath, Lucinda and I work tirelessly every week to bring you the best half hour of blasphemy we can muster, often working upwards of 200 hours a week to make it happen.

There are only 168 hours in a week.

I meant between the 3 of us.

That’s still way high.

More like 100.

That’s still probably high.

But it’s a lot.  And if you don’t believe me, just ask my wife.

And if you don’t believe me, just ask my vagina.

Wait, your vagina talks?

No, that was a joke.

But the point is that we work really hard.

We do.

Yeah.

And to continue to provide you with the highest quality fart jokes in the other religion podcast subcategory on iTunes, we need your help.

Specifically, your money.

Because, holy shit, this thing has turned into a full time job.

And a part time job.

And another part time job.

And just as you count on a new episode each week to get you through your Friday commute, we count on your donations to make it possible.

You stole that line from Brian Dunning.

Pretty much, yeah.

So if you’d like to help us keep the Scathing Atheist ad free, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Wait, we weren’t gonna put ads in it…

Yeah, but they don’t know that.

And remember, if every listener donated just a dollar a week, we’d be fucking loaded.  But they won’t, so you’ll probably have to give more than that.

 

Panel Notes:

Award season is in full swing.  You’ve already skipped the Golden Globes, avoided the Grammys, forgotten all about the People’s Choice Awards and you’re actively not giving a shit about the Oscars so we figured; why not squeeze one more meaningless ceremony into the season.

And in accordance with the fact that religious idiots think atheists believe in Satan, he we are hosting the “Penta-Grammys”.

That’s right.  And in addition to a ready made pun, this also provides us a great opportunity to bring back friend of the show and audience favorite Eli Bosnick.  Eli, welcome back.  It’s been too long.

(screaming in terror)

Alright, so here’s how the Penta-Grammys work.  We’ve randomly chosen a few categories for this inaugural ceremony and each of us will offer our nominee.  And since winning awards was rendered meaningless in 2010 when they gave Sandra Bullock an Oscar, we’ll just leave it at the nomination phase.

Our first category is an obvious one and Heath, you’ll start us off; Best Religious News Item of 2013

The Scathing Atheist headline read something like: “Imaginary Jesus voices tell area man to exorcise Satan by blowing up the family puppy with an IED.”  

Or, as friend of the show Tom from Cognitive Dissonance put it, “Worst shock collar ever.”

These were apparently the same voices that told him to prepare for a rapture, that kept not happening despite the Mayan Calendar not being infinite, and despite a now-dead Harold Camping having calculated the first derivative of the Bible to solve for Apocalypse.  So the December 2012 rapture didn’t happen, the year 2013 did happen, Jesus helped murder a labrador retriever, and the End Times Calculus asshole died.  Lots of good atheist lessons here, but the puppy murder takes it for me.  We all know religion can trick people into torturing, raping, and killing other people, but that doesn’t seem to be a deal-breaker.  Maybe the puppy thing will do it.        

Satanist Memorial thing let this begin a movement all over.

Strangely, we actually haven’t had occasion to talk about the Satanic Monument on the show since they unveiled the design, so if you were pressed to describe the proposed monument to the audience, what would you say?

(description)

Okay, so this isn’t a particular headline or anything, but I’m nominating the rise of the atheist church, or the godless congregation or whatever I have to call it to not piss off the people who don’t like them.  I know a lot of people are stand-offish on the whole idea, but I look at it as a necessary step toward national secularism.  So that’s my nominee for News Item of the Year.

Yeah stuff like Sunday Assembly is getting some steam in the States now too.  Nice to see early evidence that people can hang out in groups on Sunday, without being self-righteous bigoted assholes about it.  

Moving right along to our second category, this is a dubious distinction, I would think, but our second category is “Religious Figure Who Has Done the Most to Promote Atheism” and Eli, why don’t you start us out?

Pope Francis. Just changing his mind about everything. Next week he’s gonna be like “Eh…its a myth…who wants to get some PUSSY”

It really has been amazing.  Just a quick list of some of the crazy shit he’s said in his first year of papacy:

  • “Who am I to judge gay people?”

  • “Atheists can get into heaven”

  • “Bare tits in church?  That’s cool”

  • “I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power of the enemy, every spectre from hell and all your fell companions; in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ”

Didn’t he also mention something about “There is no Catholic god.”???  Maybe we can get him on the show to elaborate.  

I’m going with Antonin Scalia.  He’s not a religious figure per se, but he’s religious and he’s a figure.  And he aptly demonstrated this year that no amount of education and academic achievement can make a Catholic not sound like a raging lunatic when he starts talking about religion.

For those who don’t recall, Scalia did an interview with New York Magazine where he admits to believing in an actual, physical, existent devil.  And as if that wasn’t terrifying enough from a Supreme Court Justice, when he was pressed about why we never see any evidence of this magical embodiment of evil, he explained that (quote) “The devil’s getting wilier”

Despite the Pope’s skeptical stance on this guy, I’d like to nominate Catholic God.  He’s clearly gone out of his way to be more than fair with us logical people recently.  He’s literally bending kids over backwards to make atheism look good.  And forwards.  More bending over forwards, really.  Depends if they’re blowing a second priest.

And when Pope Frandle in the Wind tries to get too hippie about shit, god kills his birds, so yeah, good nominee.

Of course, If this was the Oscars there would be a poorly cobbled together musical number here, but luckily, it’s not, so we’ll just move directly to the next category; “Moment in 2013 That Most Conflicted With the Concept of a Loving God.

And at first I was gonna go with those big ass typhoons, but they mostly only killed brown people so I went with a story we covered on episode 26 of this program; and it was a story about a congregation in Fresno, California that was convinced that a tree outside their church was weeping holy tears.  And even after it was painstakingly explained to them that the “tears” were actually aphid shit, they continued to not only worship them, but DRINK them.

And if there was a god there’s no way he would make it that easy on us.

I’m with Noah on this one, but I’d like to expand the nomination to any of several times that God made people literally eat shit and drink piss.  This all happened in 2013 … We’ve got the aphid shit mistaken for magical Jesus sap, we’ve got God letting churches set up shit-water basins to use as “holy water”, we’ve got a guy being prosecuted for telling a bunch of shit-sippers that the crying Jesus statue is just a leak from a nearby public restroom sewage pipe, and we’ve got a Hindu cult drinking virgin cow urine … and still having cancer afterward.  And also, I’d like to nominate cancer in general.

The death of paul Walker. The 2nd hour of the wolf of wall street…or all those starving kids…I dont know…

Awesome.  Okay, so this next category is a tricky one.  I originally wrote it down as “Biggest Asshole”, but despite Heath’s first choice for nominee, we’re not actually basing this on anal circumference.

So “African Altar Boys” doesn’t work.

Right.  What we’re looking for here is the person the world could most have done without in 2013.  Eli, who would you most like to scrub from the population statistics?

Jenny Mcarthy

So for this one my nominee was obvious; Pat Robertson, but the tricky part was deciding which egregious lapse of humanity to nominate him for.  Should it be for the AIDs decoder ring quote? For asking how he can respond to gay people’s posts on Facebook if there’s no “vomit button”?  For comparing transgendered people to his castrated horse?  For diverting charitable funds to his secret blood diamond mining operation, which I’m not just making up to make him sound more like a GI Joe villain?

And after a long night wrestling with that question, I decided to opt for “none of the above” and just nominate him for not having the decency to go ahead and fucking die.

I’m going with Muslim God on this one.  Next to asshole in the dictionary, I think there’s actually a picture of a generic deity lashing a female rape victim with a bull whip.  This is the same imaginary guy that told several countries to install Gaydar and prostate exams at airports.  The same non-existent asshole that insists women dress like lepers … and sponsors death bounty fatwas on people that don’t like all the stuff I just mentioned.  I’d also like to mention all the faithfully rapey Muslim men that make it all possible.  And the fundamentalist clerics.  And the whole crew over at Hezbollah.  And those crazy niggas over at Al Queda.  And of course Mr. and Mrs. Kazaam – Allah’s magical mom and dad.

Alright, and our final category is a little bit more on the serious side.  It’s also the only one I can imagine anybody being happy about winning and it’s the only one that I’m absolutely certain will appear again in next year’s Penta-Grammys; gentlemen, who would you like to nominate for 2013’s Atheist of the Year.

I’d like to nominate our very own, Noah Lugeons.  Not only for his tireless work on what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time.  And not only for marrying the talented Lucinda Lugeons, the woman many are calling “The Anti-Coulter”.  And not only for his many great appearances on other atheist and skeptical broadcasts.  But most importantly, for pointing out the following when I suggested a Mormon necrophilia joke in honor of Paul Walker …

“Well, they do practice posthumous baptism, so they do have experience moistening dead people.”

Well now just to be fair I think I should toss out one of your best quotes on the show.  How about that time when you were talking about how awesome I was and you said (quote) “what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time”?  That one was probably my favorite.

Okay, so for my nominee here, I was damn tempted to go with Valerie Dodds, the Nebraska porn star that got in trouble for breaking into her old Catholic school and publishing video of her using a crucifix as a dildo, but I don’t know for sure she’s an atheist and this one was supposed to be at least kind of serious, so I’m going with friend of the show and inaugural Farnsworth quoter Hemant Mehta.

Amen!!!  Among many other things, nobody aggregates daily religious jack-assery in perfect format for scathing atheist headline researchers like the Friendly Atheist He-Man.

His indefatigable work has not only made atheism more visible, but his charity work has done a lot to give atheism a more friendly face, a more relatable face.  And even though it seems like we’re actively working to undermine that every week, I think we can all agree that atheism can’t succeed as a movement if it’s just made up of assholes like me.

And bigger assholes like me … at least in circumference.  

Sam Harris.

Alright, so that’s gonna do it for the First Annual Pentagrammy awards, Eli, thanks for dropping by.

And Heath, thanks for fifty great episodes man.  Here’s to fifty more.  And then a few crappy ones because this shit is getting exhausting.

The 40, the 45, the 50 – Jew-Manji!!!

And with one more quick thanks to everybody who wrote in with their favorite moments from our first forty-nine shows, we’re gonna leave you with a few of the Scathing Atheist’s greatest hits.

Outro:

Before we flip the breakers tonight, I wanted to offer an apology and a quick correction; on the calendar segment in episode 48 I gave dates for a few of the major conferences coming up this year, including the dates for TAM 2014, which actually haven’t been announced yet.  Fucked up on the research and accidentally listed the dates for last year’s TAM so sorry for any inconvenience that caused.  We’ll get the correct dates to you as soon as they’re announced.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but if twice as much us just isn’t enough, be sure to check out my guest appearance on The Imaginary Friends Show with Jake Farr-Wharton; you’ll find me along with the incomparable Martin S. Pribble and the only slightly comparable Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and the brand spanking new “Atheistically Speaking” podcast.  You’ll find all of that on episode 166 of Jake’s show, which will, of course, be linked on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/01/27/ifs-166-youre-absolutely-right/

Of course we can’t close this thing out without thanking Heath for all that he’s done and all he continues to do to make this show what it is.  I need to thank Lucinda for adding her unique brand of vulgarity and wit to the show.  I really need to thank Eli for making time for us this week.  And I also want to thank everybody who ever sent in a Farnsworth quote for the show.  To those people that didn’t make it into the montage at the beginning of this episode I apologize; the damn thing just got too long when I included everyone.

I also need to offer a true and sincere thanks to everyone listening for making this whole project fun enough to do fifty times in a row.  We really appreciate you giving us a half hour of your life every week, and occasionally an hour; and we’re already hard at work trying to earn another half hour next week.  Thanks for making the show possible.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most notable humans; William, Evan, Alan, Cherie, Chris, Christine, Jeffrey, Tony, Joseph, Justin, Jerry and April.  William and Evan, whose mighty fists act as emergency backups for the Large Hadron Collider; Alan and Cherie, who are faster than a speeding Kryptonian; Chris and Christine, whose intellects are so legendary their iPhones ask them questions; Jeffrey and Tony, whose erections have been declared Tsunami safe-zones; Joseph and Justin, who are so attractive they each have an event horizon; and Jerry and April, whose very names probably inspired spontaneous orgasms in at least 10 percent of our listeners just now.

These twelve valorous and unblenching heroes earned eternal praise, unwavering appreciation and over-the-top compliments this week be giving us money.  Giving us money is a noble, selfless, laudable act; so if you’d like to test your nobility, selflessness and lauditute, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the home page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d love to help but you spent the family fortune pursuing the perfect robotic delouser, you can also help us with nothing but an internet connection.  It only takes a few minutes to leave us a glowing review on iTunes and the reward lasts a lifetime.  Also, don’t forget to follow us next time you’re on Twitter, subscribe to us next time you’re on YouTube, like us next time you’re on Facebook and call out our names next time you masturbate.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.