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Episode 58 – Partial Transcript

March 27, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.  An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)

Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.

Sponsor:

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s March 27th,

And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York

And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,

  • We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,

  • And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do.  Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead.  But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.

But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave.  Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died.  But I’m not heartless.  I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone.  And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety.  But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.

It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.”  It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool.  And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps.  I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.

Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes.  We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact.  He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.

Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian.  He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish.  He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.

But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him.  It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using.  And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief.  According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin.  Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.

And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch.  The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks.  Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.

They also make sure to point out how small the church was.  Only 40 active members.  100 at it’s height.  And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers.  Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.

So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith?  I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit?  Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”.  There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.

Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either.  If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?

Doesn’t matter.  The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler.  And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion?  And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to play ball?

Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500

Fair enough.  In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”.  The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act.  Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions.  The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.

And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives.  First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented.  Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will.  That’s it!!!  Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive.  The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.

One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion.  Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds.  And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.

Good point … People are corporations too.  

The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.

Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception

And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.  

If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.

Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …

And they wouldn’t have.  But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.    

This is such a confusing story.  The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…

So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious.  It’s like their own little triangular trade.  And against all odds, it might be more offensive.  Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.

German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html

And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.

At least they chose cars.  Classy move.  Way less rapey than vans.  As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.

After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman.  Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.

Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least?  Fun size is bullshit.  If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!  

Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.

Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/

And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces.  Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)  

I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.

Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.

Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.

Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin.  If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.

I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that.  Anyway, you were saying…

So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.”  I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny.  Just a cool trick.”  She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!”  Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words.  It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child.  Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.”  There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.”   When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.  

Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/

And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos.  They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.

(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!

In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”

What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.

Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries.  Go!

Let There Be Spinal Tap!

Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity

When We Were 2 Kings

MythTrusters

Global Forming: A Convenient Lie

Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”

Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”

The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology

Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”

The X-tra Chromosome Files

Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep

Commuting With Dinosaurs

The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show

Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html

And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.  

And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.

At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …

Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.

The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.”  So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day.  It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch.  The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …   

There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it.  It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.

Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.

Pitch:

Does this ever happen to you?

(Sound FX montage)

Well we can’t help you with that.  But what we can help you do is become an official Scathing Atheist patron at Patreon (dot) com.

Patreon (dot) com is a fantastic service that allows you to give us money easier than ever before.  Signing up for as little as one dollar an episode, you can sleep comfortably, knowing that Noah won’t have to give quite so many handjobs for our bandwidth upgrade.  

I’ll still give just as many, but not because I have too.

Quality, not quantity, right?

Exactly.  But that’s not all!  Scathing Atheist patrons get a bevy of beneficial bonuses.  You see, every week we record between three and ten minutes of extra material that ends up on the cutting room floor.

These never-before-released minutes include expletives, puns, and a littany of verbosely-worded dick and fart jokes.

But these emission omissions can be yours when you become a Patreon Patron.  That’s ten to thirty percent more Scathing Atheist every week.  How much would you pay?

A million dollars!

But don’t answer yet…

Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.

But there’s even more.  You’ll also get the show as soon as it’s edited, rather than anxiously counting down the minutes until 8am eastern daylight time.

That sounds too good to be true!

But it isn’t!  For just one dollar per episode you get the unedited, director’s cut of every new episode and you get those episodes early.  Plus you get an outlandishly over the top compliment on the next episode.

But that’s not all!

Actually, that is all.

For one dollar per episode, sure.  But you can give us more than that.

That’s right Heath.  And the more you give, the more you get.

That’s right Noah.  If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.

But do I still get the over the top compliment, the longer episodes and the early releases?

You do.  But that’s still not all!

That’s right because you can also give us even more money.  If you donate at least five dollars per episode, we’ll also toss in a signed paperback copy of the new book.  Plus you’ll get advance copies of all the new Scathing Atheist presents books before they’re available to the public.

That’s sounds too good to be true.

I know!

Seriously… I don’t believe you.  That’s just too good a deal.

I know!

So how can we be certain that you’re not full of shit?

I guess you’ll have to check out our Patreon page and see for yourself.  That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.

It’s easy to set up a recurring micropayment.  Macropayments are equally easy.  Enter your information once and Patreon will bill your credit card or Paypal account once per month.  You can even set up a limit in case you’re afraid we’ll release 106 episodes one month just to fuck you out of a lot of money.

And remember, if you were a Patreon Patron, this segment would end with Heath saying “Turtle Fucker” three times in a funny voice.  But if you’re not, it just ends with me saying this sentence.

Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.

Babble – Esther:

Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all.  Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written.  It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.

But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.

So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

So what did you think of Esther?

It was weird.  It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story,  but who gives a shit?

Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle.  So why don’t you start us off?

  1. Sure.  The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet.  At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.

    1. She refuses and that causes a huge scandal.  Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.

  • Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes.  So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope.  That uppity bitch has got to go!!!

  1. So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.

    1. And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.

    2. The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.

  • And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad.  Smart move.

    1. But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.

  1. Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.

    1. Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust.  The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month.  After the playoffs.”

  • Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise.  There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.

  1. So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”

  • “The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich.  Could you please?  Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ???  Whenever you get a minute.  Not a huge deal.”

  1. She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.”  So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .

    1. Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship.  Every fucking time you turn around…

    2. So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it.  So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?

    3. Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s

  • Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”

  1. Chapter six was actually pretty clever.

    1. Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…

    2. Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him.  So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?”  And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine.  Then the king says, “Great idea!  Do that for the jew that you hate.”

  2. So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”  

  • “If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”

  • Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”

    1. So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.

  1. But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order.  Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.

  • And the Jews can plunder now.  That was in the fine print of chapter 8.  They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on.  Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.

  • Don’t call it that.

  1. Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?”  And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?”  And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”

  • Yeah Esther became queen at 14.  Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits?  Seems to be a mitvah.  Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?

    1. And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.

    2. Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.

  1. And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.

  • And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …

This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well.  There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.

As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?

Well no, but at least some of the kings existed.  Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks.  We’re nearing the halfway point guys…

Just nearing?

Anyway, thanks as always.

 

Outro:

Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week.  Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.

Why May 2nd?  Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend.  The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke.  I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book.  Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.

I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff.  John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.

These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page.  If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week.  Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube.  If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

 

 

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Episode 52 – Partial Transcript

February 13, 2014 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the show due to time consraints

Link to Episode

Warning: Shit happens and then you die.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nazi Surplus wholesaler, Holo-Costco.

So head on down if you’re looking for a great deal on an entire vat of vintage childrens’ sneakers or perhaps a lampshade that’s a sure conversation starter.  Mention this add and a get a free gold tooth with every purchase.

Holo-Costco: Because we like to weed out the easily offended early in the show.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 13th,

And Arab in the new Black

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from “six to twelve white inches for a change” New York, New York

And “from six to twelve whites per trailer” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode

  • Tel Aviv archaeologists date camels,

  • We’ll piss off Chinese midgets,

  • And Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a better sequel than 2 Chronicles

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I haven’t changed my mind.  Bill Nye shouldn’t have used his celebrity to raise money for the Creationism Museum.  Yes, it was fun to watch Ken Ham get his ass kicked like a Bronco, but Ham is more than willing to publicly humiliate himself and his religion for money; as his entire career demonstrates; so he doesn’t care that he lost.  He got to stand across the stage from a respected member of the scientific community and make-believe creationism was rational.  And he made money.

Some people have argued that it was worth the fleeting financial gain to Ham’s enterprise if it gave Nye a chance to drop some science on those idiots.  And I suppose I’d agree that even if he swayed a couple of people to look into the facts, that goes along ways towards offsetting the promotional end of it.  But it’s also pretty easy to argue that he could have dropped all the science on them and it still wouldn’t have mattered.

As exhibit A, I’ll offer the ubiquitous meme of the 22 post-debate creationists with their crayon-scrawled “questions for evolutionists”.  Some dude caught a bunch of drooling nincompoops on the way out of the debate and gave them a pen and paper to write out the questions they had for “evolutionists” after hearing Nye’s position.  So this is after Nye dropped the science.

And their inquiries are so stupid the question mark looks embarrassed to be there.  I’m talking “Why are there still monkeys?” stupid.  I’m talking “It’s just a theory” stupid.  One of the people actually asked “If there’s no god, how do you explain a sunset?”

I challenge you to construct a dumber question.  Where the fuck else would the sun go?  Without god we’re tidally locked all of a sudden?  Does she know about the Google?  Is this some subset of the “tides come in, tides go out” paradox?  What the fuck is the difference between “Without god, how do you explain a sunset?” and just “How do you explain a sunset?”  And, by implication, does she think the correct answer to that question is “Magic space wizard”?

Now, to be fair, not all of the questions were that stupid.  Well, they were all that stupid, but some of them were a totally different kind of stupid.  Some of them didn’t demonstrate a lack of knowledge; but rather they reflected an abundance of wrong knowledge.  Clearly some of these people were reading books and learning facts, but the books were by creationists and the facts were bullshit.  And their questions demonstrated the kind of idiocy you have to earn; something I like to call “Motivated Stupidity”.

The lady who was wondering how sunsets could be pretty if there was no baby Jesus is just regular stupid and that means enough Bill Nye debates might be able to cure her.  But the people who were claiming that the second law of thermodynamics disproves evolution had clearly done just enough research to reinforce their stupidity.  The idea that a bunch of creationist hick from Kentucky are gonna lecture the “evolutionists” on the laws of thermodynamics is priceless.  But if you pointed out that the law of entropy applies to a closed system and there’s a sun, it’s not like they would change their minds.  They’d just go to the Answers in Genesis website for some new stupid, some better stupid.

It’s these frustrating fuck fluids that lead so many of us to give up on believers.  They’ve got their conclusion and they’re sticking with ‘em, damn it.  And if you can arm them with a sentence with a few hyperpolysyllabic words they don’t understand in it and tell them it proves god, they’ll cling to it like a louse on Ken Ham’s beard.

Think about the level of commitment this kind of stupidity takes.  Oh, the laws of thermodynamics don’t support the bible?  Well then I don’t believe in the laws of thermodynamics then.  What?  Carbon dating disproves creationism?  Well then I don’t believe in the constant decay rate of Carbon-14 atoms.  What?  Rocks disprove creationism?  Well then I don’t believe in rocks, either.  What?  The bible itself disproves a literal interpretation of the bible?  Well then “la-la-la I can’t hear you!”

You know, there was a time when I could forgive this shit.  If you had religious parents and religious teachers and the churches controlled what was available at the library and the bookstore and the movie theater and the local TV stations, creationism might actually seem tenable.  And I’m not talking about the middle ages here; I’m talking about growing up in a small southern town in the nineties.  But there’s an internet out there now.  All the information is there for anybody who wants it.  In today’s world, in every country where you could possibly download this podcast, ignorance is a choice.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is guy who insults blacks and Jews a lot, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to do something about this racism issue?

Ok, in the spirit of fairness … I know I said last week that Asian jokes can be a slippery slope … however … I was watching “The Wizard of Oz” … and I would absolutely LOVE to watch a Chinese midget struggle to sing “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” …  Blacks?  Jews?  You guys back on board with me now?

Excellent.  That should stop the emails… because Chinese midgets can’t reach the keyboard.  In our lead story tonight, archaeologists from Tel Aviv University have proved that fucking camels isn’t as old a profession as the popular adage would imply.  They did some more of that science that Jesus hates so much and demonstrated definitively that camels weren’t domesticated until around 900 bce.  According to certain sacred texts that serve as the foundation of three of the world’s largest religions (that shall remain nameless), Abraham was using camels as pack animals a millennium before that.

This could be the first of many dominoes.  Maybe we’ll eventually find other things in the Bible that are also scientifically wrong.  Who knows?  

Yeah, surprise, surprise, Ken Ham was wrong.  Not exactly headline news, but what makes this one interesting is that it also shows that the people writing the stuff about Moses and Abraham and David were doing so centuries after it happened.  So long after it happened that contemporary camel-tech was just assumed.

I can see the mistake they made.  Those weren’t camels that Abraham had.  They were small, hairy, humped velociraptors.

Radiocarbon dating of camel bones proves bible to be bullshit: http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/02/06/camel-bones-suggest-error-in-bible/

And from the “You Keep Spelling Moron Wrong” file, a British Magistrate has issued a summons ordering the President of the Church of Latter Day Saints to appear in a British Court and prove that Mormonism isn’t a load of shit.

If he needs an expert to argue on his behalf, I hear Ken Ham is looking for work.

The plaintiff in the case is former Mormon Bishop Tom Phillips, who alleges that he can prove in court that at least seven of the core teachings of the church are false, that the president of the church knows that they’re false, and that he continues to teach them in order to keep people tithing.  If you take the word “religion” out of it, this is a clear cut case of fraud, but since we can’t take that word out, people… even people in the atheist movement… are acting like this is outlandish.  Because they’re a religion.  They’re supposed to defraud.

Religion is definitely the world’s most successful sleazy salesman.  “I’ll pay you Tuesday at your funeral, for a hamburger today.” … Seems like starting with Mormonism is a little arbitrary, but it’ll be nice to see all the other churches get their summons soon.  

The key to this case is the fact that the Mormon church teaches that you can only go to the good heaven if you’re in the inner circle and you can only be in the inner circle if you tithe ten percent of your income.  So basically they hold your soul hostage for cash and that differentiates them from most major religions.

Oh okay good.  Starting with Mormon’s isn’t arbitrary.  But all the other religions are still next, right?  Holding your soul hostage with vaguely defined donation levels for indulgences is just about equally “giant global fraud”, isn’t it?!?

Well we probably won’t find out because obviously the dude isn’t gonna show up at this hearing, but if he does, and the magistrate has him crucified, and he rises again three days later… I could see myself wearing magical underwear.

British Court orders Mormon rep to “prove it” http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/02/05/mormon-church-uk_n_4729050.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

And in “Eternal Soul Food” news, a private Christian high school in California decided to celebrate Black History Month by having the cafeteria serve fried chicken, cornbread, and watermelons.  It isn’t clear whether this was just normal white ignorance, or if it was an homage to professional golfer and infamous racist Fuzzy Zoeller, who suggested Tiger Woods would celebrate winning The Masters the same way, but also with collard greens.

Yeah, a public outcry forced them to abandon the Paula Deen menu after the first day, which sucks for the students because Tuesday was gonna be grape soda and crack.

Obviously racism can happen, with or without religion.  But religion certainly doesn’t fucking help.  ‘God said so’ is just about the only way to trick huge groups into extreme overzealous bigotry.  Nobody would be waging centuries of war, if it was a science museum on the Temple Mount.    The larger issue here is that homogenous brainwashed communities of ignorant sheep, who are force-fed lessons about social justice from books full of slavery and tribal ethnic cleansing … Believe or not, that’s bad for society.

And it’s hard to imagine something like this happening in a public school because public schools don’t have white lunch ladies.

So I’m wondering what the ‘accidental racists at best’ found too offensive.  What did they brainstorm, that didn’t quite make the final cut for the menu?  And I guess that means we should segue straight to 30 seconds on the clock for “Food Items for the Racist Cafeteria” … GO!!!

Master Race-in Bran

Isn’t that what those communion wafers are made of?  Sounds like one of those eugenically modified cereals … Like “Special KKK”

Or Thousand Year Reich Krispies.

What else do racists eat for breakfast? … Eggs Florentine Pregnancy?   Mango Unchained?  White Power Bars?

Pox in a Blanket?  I don’t know… I’ve got nothing else for breakfast.  Can we switch to the lynch menu?

If it’s lynch time, we can start drinking … Certain racist bartenders refer to a pina colada made with Hennessy as “Nig Nog”.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends are racist bartenders, but that’s over the line.

How about Chicken Swas-Tikka?

Or maybe Chicken Sa-Tay Sachs?

With a side of Garlic Nazis

Concheddarate Fondu: A melting pot of white cheese only …

Spicy version known as Salsa Con K-K-Queso

How about the… wait, would the placebos they used in the Tuskegee Experiment count?

Separate But Equal  brown sugar pill substitute: The stuff you swallow that doesn’t give syphilis to blacks.

Christian school apologizes for “Black History Month” lunch menu: Fried Chicken, cornbread and watermelons: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2014/02/christian-school-principal-nancy-libby-apologizes-for-racist-lunch-menu/

And finally tonight, in “Pot Calling the Kettle a Pot” news, Pat “The Fags Are Out to Kill You With Their AIDS” Robertson has asked Ken Ham to stop making Christianity look stupid.

You know what else is making Christianity look stupid? … There’s this book … I forget thit title, but Ken Ham mentioned it several times during the debate.  And it’s pretty stupid, whether or not you add up the years in the book correctly, and whether or not Amish Wolverine, leader of the X-Mennonites stops embarrassing himself.

In response to Ham’s recent drubbing at the hands of an old, skinny dude in a bowtie, Robertson concluded that young earth creationism was, in Robertson’s own words, “nonsense” and implored Ham to (quote) “come off of that stuff and say this isn’t possible” (end quote) preferring that he stick to “possible” stuff like sweaters being haunted by demons and pact-with-the-devil seismology.

Get your fictions straight, Ken Ham!!!  The Old Testament is historical fiction.  The New Testament is observational fiction.  So you can’t just add the years up using math.

Pat Robertson implores Ken Ham not to make Christianity look foolish: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/02/05/pat-robertson-implores-creationist-ken-ham-to-shut-up-lets-not-make-a-joke-of-ourselves/#.UvLFIur6LtE.twitter

And on that sage-like advice, we’ll close the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will help us try to find funny shit to say about this boring assed bible.

A Love Song for the Scientifically Literate

 

When I look into your eyes my heart don’t… skip a beat.

And if it did, I’d be concerned, that I had heart disease,

Maybe premature ventricular contractions, also known as PVCs.

And I’d probably have to see a cardiologist;

Might need some kind of timer in my chest.

 

When I look into your eyes the earth don’t… cease to spin.  (It’s…)

Good cause it it did, we’d be all fly east at sixteen miles a minute,

And a day would last a year, And both the poles would flood as a supercontinent

Around the now-spherical earth’s equator would arise;

So I wouldn’t be allowed to look you in the eyes.

 

Let’s just set aside those things that we can’t prove;

I’ll tell you I love you using scientific truth,

Forget about those cliche romantic lies,

And I’ll just say I love to look into your eyes.

 

When I look into your eyes the room don’t… spin around

And if did, every time I saw you, I’d need a second to lie down.

Think of all the things we’d want to do that this condition would confound,

Plus chronic vertigo could also be a sign,

My vestibular system’s in decline.

 

When I Iook into your eyes, serotonin is released within my brain;

A monoamine neurotransmitter derived from tryptophan,

5-HT receptors trigger an intracellular second messenger cascade;

And then a host of other hormones get involved,

It’s how attachment in our species has evolved.

 

It doesn’t have to be some esoteric thing;

Love is love and that’s enough to make me sing.

So set aside all those cliche romantic lies,

I simply love to look into your eyes.

I simply love to look into your eyes.

Babble (2 Chronicles):

Ah, Second Chronicles; a book that fails to be the most boring thing I’ve ever read only because it immediately follows First Chronicles.  If the earlier historical books are like watching paint dry, Chronicles is like watching dry paint.  It continues the monotonous task of retelling the retelling of the pre-exilic kingdom of Israel.

They really scramble to shove some God into all the gaps in the story, don’t they? …   

“Second Chronicles: Rewriting history – this time with 50% more God.” …   

The precursor to FOX News, right here in this book!!!

You’ve hit upon my dad’s only two sources of information.  And joining us for the Holy Babble tonight is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, what did you think of this one?

Ugh… I feel like I flunked Samuel and Kings and had to take them again.

You’re always so negative about this.  Start us off positive… ease us into the suck.

  1. What I like about 2 Chronicles is it really fills in the blanks on the last four books.  Let me give you an example.  In chapter one you learn that Solomon became king and asked god for wisdom.  And we already learned that in Kings, but in Kings you’re just left wondering how many chariots the dude had.  In 2 Chronicles it finally fills that in for us.

    1. Hell, it even tells you where he imported his chariots from and how much they cost so I guess the Christians were right.  All the answers are in here somewhere.

  2. And then we go straight to the temple building again.  And you’ve gotta wonder how bitchy Solomon was with his labor orders.  “I said 80,000 stone cutters!  Not 80,009!”

    1. Also, I found this interesting.  2 Chronicles, chapter two, verse five.  Solomon is talking about his temple, he want King Huram to give him wood and he says, “The house that I am about to build will be great, for our god is greater than other gods.”  So they sucked at monotheism back then.

  • And what were they even trying to mean?!?  Other gods are semi-potent? They can do everything except beat Jew God with a light sabre?  

  1. Yeah, the temple was solid gold, the fixtures were solid gold, the shit-trowels were solid gold and they had a pretty sweet hot tub out front.

  • Oh right the golden baths for bronze showers … Public wash basins full of hot, stagnant, unchlorinated water for dirty desert people to freely exchange fecal matter.  Basically steaming piles of shit,  but with a larger water ratio.

  1. Then they dedicate the temple with a bunch of singers, one hundred and twenty priests and a bucket full of blunts or something.

    1. 2 Chronicles 5:14 “So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud; for the glory of the lord filled the house of god.”  I’m surprised they didn’t go into detail about the solid gold bongs.

  • My translation was a little more porno.  I think it said something like: “God came inside their lungs.”  So he pulled an “Angry Dragon” on the priests.  And I’d suggest that the uninitiated pause, and take a moment to google “Angry Dragon” so you can get the visual.

  • And make sure you have safe search off.

  1. Then we get this bullshit revisionist dedication of the temple by Solomon.  He’s saying “If there’s a drought hear our prayers; and if there’s a pestilence remember us; and if we have sinned against you forgive us; and if we piss you off so much that you allow a Babylonian king to exile us for generations forgive us eventually and let us come back.”

  2. And it takes god a week and a half to get back to him, but when he does he tells Solomon that he’ll answer all his prayers just so long as everybody loves the shit out of him constantly forever.

  • “You too can get chosen, for only five easy payments of $99.95.  And if you convert to Judaism in the next ten minutes, we’ll throw in a Slap Chop.”       

  1. Then Solomon heroically enslaves every non-Jew he can find.

  • Historically speaking … You think this stuff might lead to negative consequences for the Jews down the line???  Might come back and bite them in the asherah pole.  

  1. Then he fucks the queen of Egypt for some spices, Huram brings him some apes and some peacocks and then he dies.

  • And I’m not trying to be mean, but this book is stupid.  Here’s the very last line of the chapter: “Solomon’s horses were imported from Egypt and from all other countries.”  Just say “He didn’t import horses from nowhere.”

  1. Rehoboam’s gets the kingdom and within a few days, he breaks it.

    1. Interesting that even the bible seems to be anti-Israel at a certain point.

  2. I kept expecting it to say “and are not the acts of all these dudes written in the book you just read?”

  3. They keep upping god’s body count, too.  In chapter thirteen he kills half a million Israelites because the Judeans are less goat-demony.  If the death tolls keeps increasing at this rate, he’s gonna have to kill, like, 6 million Jews in the 1940s…

  • Or at least find a way to fake it, and get Israel back.

  1. Well hold on, because in chapter 14 he ups his record by killing a million Ethiopians.

    1. Well wait a second, though, because at best Ethiopians are worth half as much as Israelites…

    2. Three fifths.

  • But it’s three fifths of a white Christian person, so let’s compromise, and call it four fifths of an Israelite.

  1. And after that things are pretty okay for a few decades until…

  2. Asa is king but then he get a disease (quote) “in his feet” and then dies because he had the audacity to turn to a physician instead of a priest.

    1. Yeah, 2 Chronicles 16:12 is something no responsible adult would leave in their bible.

  • Right – Why go to a doctor, when you could go straight to the asshole who created diabetes?!?  

  1. Then we get Jehoshaphat, who got rid of the high places by apparently leveling the whole nation to precisely sea level.

  • And he killed all the tall people.

  1. Then in chapter 18 of 2 Chronicles we get chapter 22 of 1 Kings.

    1. Verbatim.

    2. Damn near verbatim.  The same goddamned chapter just hiding later in the book.  They were just fucking around on the word count at this point.

  2. Chapter 19 is actually just a secret code from God for investing in the stock market.  If you use the code, and pray the right way, you’ll make millions.  And if it doesn’t work, and you lose millions, other people will make millions.  It’s a win-win.

  3. Then we get the wrap up of the reign of King Jehoshaphat the pretty good.

  4. Then Jehoram takes over, kills his brothers, makes high places and kills some Edomites, for which Elijah shows up and curses him with perpetual diarrhea.

  • That’s right – Important morality lesson here: “Don’t make things that exist in the height dimension, or a Jewish prophet will make you shit out your own colon.”    

  1. Then Ahaziah takes over and gets killed within a year.

    1. His mom goes all psycho and starts killing everyone she can get her hands on, so her daughter stashes Joash in a nursery where her murderous mother can’t find him.

  2. She reigns for a few years then they kill her with much pomp and circumstance.

  3. …and is replaced by a seven year old.

  • Who they make the new king by pulling a Pussy Riot maneuver, and putting on an unsanctioned coronation concert in the temple.  

  1. -Then you get (Amaziah the Adequate)

  2. -(Uzziah the Proud)

  3. -(Jotham the Forgettable)

  4. -(Ahaz the Really Awful)

  5. -and (Hezekiah the Too-Little, Too-Late)

  6. The kingdom’s gone to shit by the time Hezekiah shows up on the scene so we get this chapter where he’s running around Judah like a teenager trying to clean up all the party stuff before mom and dad get home.

  • The key is to shred the cigarette butts and joint roaches with the lawn mower.

  1. Then some Assyrians show up and start talking shit about Jew god so he chops all their heads off with a sword and has the king’s sons assassinate him.

  2. And then Manasseh, then Amon, then Josiah… Honestly, as I’m reading this thing I kept hoping the cats would puke on the carpet or something so I’d have to get up and clean it.  This thing is a fucking chore.  We all deserve a hug or something for this.

  • Will somebody … please … sacrifice their virgin daughter to a rapist mob or something, so we can make a fucking joke?!?  Anything?  No?  Just another last-minute divine miracle-slaughter of another seemingly unbeatable rival tribe?  

  1. Josiah is a good king, in the sense that he doesn’t fall prey to the unforgivable sin of religious tolerance, but eventually he fucks with the wrong Egyptian and gets killed in battle.

  • These battles are a bunch of ancient tribal nerds that believed in magical spells.     It must have looked like Live Action Role Playing, with people who truly thought they were divine priests, casting protection auras that do nothing, right before getting beheaded by a laughing Pre-Muslim.  

  1. And then in the last chapter they toss in the exile in Babylon like it’s an afterthought.  And then they toss in King Cyrus freeing them in a two verse postscript.

  • How does Yahweh convince a king that doesn’t believe in him, to let all his slaves go back to Judah, without revealing the big secret that Jew God is the real one?!?

I was really disappointed by the end.  Bill from Bar Room Atheists assured me that it ended with a car chase where a housewife in a dominatrix suit chases down her escaped teenage slave girl and then makes out with her to death.  And it doesn’t.  So hopefully he was thinking of Ezra.

And speaking of Bar Room Atheists, if Suzy is listening, we hope you’re feeling better sweetie. Huggles!

Oh, good call.  You’re in our thoughts, which is what we atheists have instead of prayers.

So we’ll close on that and take a well earned couple of episodes off from biblical duties.  Guy and gal, thanks for somehow continuing to push through.

Outro:

Before we pull the ripcord tonight I wanted to let everybody know that if they liked the song this week and would perhaps like to share it with their Valentine, I’ll have it on YouTube complete with lyrics a little later on today so feel free to share the love.

And in case you forgot, I was on the new podcast “Atheistically Speaking” the other day and apparently they split the interview into pieces.  The first chunk of it came out this past Monday and I think the rest is slated for release the same day this episode airs so if you want more, there’s more.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

I also wanted to remind people that if we don’t get enough iTunes reviews every week I’m contractually obligated to kick a puppy and I don’t want that any more than you do, so be sure to swing over to iTunes and give us a five star review

I need to thank Heath for being a funny bastard, I need to thank Lucinda for suffering through yet another book of the bible while simultaneously acting as my perpetual muse.  I also need to thank Zach from Iowa for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  Zach had nothing to plug so I’ll just use this time to remind everybody that Iowa isn’t as bad as you think it is.

But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most stunning examples of humanity, Brian, David, Dave, Andrew, Steven Hawking’s Wheelchair, DJ, Stephen, Robin, other Andrew and Laura.  Brian, whose gargantuan penis has local gravity; David who makes Samson look like a pussy for needing that donkey jaw; Dave, who has taken over as our most generous donor of all time and deserves a gold medal and a hug; Andrew, who’s so bright he’s a leading cause for sudden retinal failure; Stephen Hawking’s Wheelchair, which, let’s face it, deserves way more of the credit for the ground-breaking physics than it gets; DJ, whose very name has become a prefix for “cool person that gets a lot of ass”; Stephen, whose cock is longer than a Peter Jackson flick; Robin, who’s so far above average they named a bird after her; other Andrew, whose compliment is separate, but equal to the first Andrew; and Laura, who’s so hot she can light a bong over Skype.

These ten exceptional exemplifications of excellence have provided joy to boys and girls all over the world by giving us money.  Remember, according to noted junkie-photographer Chris Arnade, atheism is a luxury for the wealthy so if you don’t keep those donations rolling in, my broke ass will have to be religious at a certain point.  So if you’d like to forestall that inevitable condition, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you wanted to wish Lucinda a happy anniversary tomorrow, you’ll find her on Facebook and Twitter, that’s LUCINDA LUGEONS.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Live Blogging the Bible: 2 Chronicles

February 8, 2014 5 comments

by Noah Lugeons

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these “Live Blogging the Bible” segments, so for that I apologize.  I have to admit that I’m only doing this one because I’m desperately searching for an excuse to do something other than read the damn thing.  The blinds are wiped down, the cat pan is changed, the floors are mopped, the dishes are done and I’m running out of excuses.

I can’t possibly express how horribly boring this book is.  I’ve been told by sources that I trust (perhaps out of desperation) that this is the low-point in the book; that Chronicles is the most boring it gets and that I can read the rest of the bible with the consolation that at least I’m not reading Chronicles again.

Now, consider what I’m saying here.  We’re talking about a book that has managed to have a cumulative 1.8 pages worth of interesting stuff in the last 634.  It’s a book known for long, pointless, repetitive genealogies.  We spent 16 chapters of Exodus learning the dimensions of a tabernacle.  We spent half of Numbers counting Jews.  We spent nearly all of Deuteronomy revisiting the dullest parts of the previous four books.  And Chronicles is boring compared to that.

How does it achieve this almost preternatural level tedium?  To understand that, we have to briefly revisit the books of Samuel and Kings.

Both of these are split into two books in Christian bibles.  This was actually born out of necessity, as the histories recounted in them were so long that if they were contained on a single scroll it would be cumbersome.  Those two books sketch out a supernatural pseudo-history of the kingdom of Israel that is obsessively concerned with cumbersome details like how many nails were in each plank that held the molten sea outside the temple.  And if you wrote either one of those out on a scroll it would be too heavy for the average person to carry.

For four long, excruciating books, we learned about the lineage of Israel’s kings with spasmodic details sprinkled in ranging from the mundane to the miraculous; each schizophrenic biography ending with assurances that there were even more pointless details recorded in the annals of the kings of Judah.

We read one book every three weeks, so for twelve weeks we were reading through this extended and pointless fantasy.  1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings and 2 Kings.  And when we finally reached the end, we get to 1 and 2 Chronicles, which just retell the same damn story again, with ever more monotonous details.  So it’s like reading a phone book and then reading the Reader’s Digest version of that same phone book.

Which brings about the obvious question of why the fuck it’s there to begin with.  It adds almost no new information, subtly contradicts the earlier account and makes me want to wash my blinds.  Why the hell did nobody ever make the executive decision to cut this one?

Think about the amount of time and effort that went into copying and recopying the bible back in the pre-Xerox days.  Monks were hand-copying this damn thing day after day and it never occurred to anyone that Chronicles wasn’t worth saving?  For fuck’s sake if you were married to the book count you could have dispatched them with a sentence like “See the four previous books”.

I might be selling the biblical editors short, of course.  It’s entirely possible that they knew exactly what they were doing when they kept this book in.  Perhaps it’s purpose is to dissuade anyone from reading on.  Perhaps it was meant as a firewall to keep readers from completing the book.  After all, if you give up halfway through you could be left with the impression that all the answers they were talking about came at the end.

Episode 43 – Partial Transcript

December 12, 2013 Leave a comment

Oh, were you stopping by for the Stitcher Award Nomination Link?  CLICK HERE… (and thanks)

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda&Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains adult language including two shits, a fuck, a piss, another fuck, dick, jizz, another fuck, motherfucker, bitch, two more shits, cunt, cock, fucktard, fuck-nozzle, several assholes, more fucks…

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of pre-apocalyptic rapture supply outlets; Genesis 7-11.  Because now that they’re letting the queers get married, you know god’s judgment can’t be far off.  Mention this ad and get a free set of swimmies with any purchase over twenty dollars.

Genesis 7-11: Thank you Jesus, come again.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s December 12th

And my ass is less of a J-Lo, and more of a Cee Lo

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from coniferous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • We’ll learn that it’s hard to roll R’s with a dick in your mouth.

  • We’ll find out that everyone has an equal right to discriminate against gays.

  • And the perfect, plump roundness of Rush Limbaugh’s face is related to pi.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

If Tennessee is the buckle of the bible belt, South Georgia is the taint.  Which works out well because clearly the Florida panhandle is the scrotum.  So unless you consider the Mississippi delta to be the asshole, in which case coastal Alabama is the taint, South Georgia is the de facto Bible taint.

And boy what a taint it is.  I should know.  I spent a big chunk of my childhood there.  I spent six formative years of my life living in a place where the two accepted religious affiliations were Baptist and Devil-Worshipper.  Where you had to drive to a theater two towns away to see blasphemous films like, I shit you not, Wayne’s World.  Where church groups organized dozens of people to protest a comic book shop because they were promoting, I continue to shit you not, Dungeons and Dragons.

My first job was washing dishes at a local pizzeria where I was dismissed as “the guy who thinks we came from monkeys”.  The principle at my high school led the students in prayer during the morning announcements and before each football game.  My 10th grade English teacher once spent an entire hour telling us about the dangers of Satanism and my 9th grade science teacher once told the class that gays were an abomination against god and should be dragged into the street and shot.

Religion was everywhere.  It was in the school, it was at the mall, it was protesting in front of the movie theater, it was showing up uninvited at my house, it was scolding me from every church sign, it was staring at me from the bumper of every pickup, it was blessing me from every cash register, it was blockading my girlfriend’s vagina.  It was inescapable, in charge and insane.

And the stories they believed weren’t just crazy, they were fucking silly.  I couldn’t comprehend how anyone took them seriously.  I remember walking past church services and wondering if it was all an elaborate hoax that everyone was in on but me.  It felt like I was the only sane person on the planet.

I wanted to grab people as they came out of church and say, “can’t we at least agree that this is exactly what religion would look like if it was just made up out of whole cloth to oppress people?  Can’t we at least agree that if a ten year old was lying about his invisible pet alien he would use the exact same debate tactics that you guys use?  Can’t we at least agree that taking this book about dragons and talking donkeys and resurrected Jews seriously without asking for a shred of tangible evidence is functionally indistinguishable from clinical nincompoopery?”

I couldn’t understand it.  Many of these people were reasonable and far more intelligent than me when we weren’t talking about resurrected Jewish messiahs, but as soon as that subject came up an otherwise rational human being would start spouting proofs that they’d never accept in any non-religious circumstance.  All of a sudden basic moral precepts like “burning people for eternity is wrong” and “babies aren’t evil sinners” fly out the fucking window.

And for years I just wrote those folks off as stupid.  And it’s damned tempting.  It’s damn tempting to laugh off the Chicken Little campaigns against Harry Potter books and World of Warcraft and say that they’re the products of misguided, uniformed, paranoid minds.  But if you leave it there, you’re underestimating them and you’re underestimating the consequences of growing up in a town that was willing to rise up as one to keep the scourge of Wayne’s World from the local youth.

Religion can only survive on ignorance.  Information is the achilles heel of faith and unless they control everything a person watches or plays or reads or learns, nobody’s ever gonna buy into their bullshit.  They won’t be able to shut the critical parts of their brain down in those critical moments.  They have to fight against everything because it takes a lot of work to make people continue to believe in demonic snakes and octa-centurion ark builders.

But there was no internet back then.  There was no way to fact-check them when they controlled the bookstores and the library and the schools.  A kid could feel like he or she was the only person in the world with a fully functional brain.  There was no internet and there were no forums or wikis or podcasts or blogs.

And maybe when you strip away all the post-hoc justifications, that’s the real reason I do this show.  Just to know that when religion dies, I’ll have been a small contributor to the murder weapon.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow brain in a jar Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to dismiss hard solipsism due to it’s lack of functional consequence?

Dismiss what?

Well there you go then.

In our lead story tonight, Al Azhar – a prestigious Islamic university in Cairo – released a study last month examining the fatwas issued by Islamic theocrats in Egypt during the one-year reign of Mohamed Morsi that ended in July of this year.  And if you’re anything like me, and you worry about your 10-year-old wife’s tiny vagina being torn to shreds by something other than your adult male penis, the rules all make perfect sense.

So we’re just shredding 10 year old vaginas right up front, huh?  Just gonna show up for the blind date with dick in hand.  No, that’s fine…

For example, common sense stuff like: “Avoid creating a comfortable rape environment by turning off the air conditioner when you expect your heat-sensitive rapist neighbor might stop by.”    

And as much as I wish you made that up, no, that’s a real fatwa.  Better your wife spend her days in an un-air-conditioned house in a country with an average high temperature over 90 degrees.

There was another decree that prohibited women from handling bananas, cucumbers, and other phallic flora … that they might shove inside themselves in rabid seizures of uncontrollable female desire.  Lesbians were also banned from buying almonds, curtains, and modern art … and from existing in the country.

There was also a fatwa against having sex naked, though, so you never have to know exactly which gender you’re fucking.

My favorite fatwa was issued in response to a clever group of Muslim adulteresses, who were cheating on their husbands with salt water.  Turns out the word for “ocean” is a masculine noun, and if the wrong arbitrary linguistic gender assignment touches your wife’s vagina, it’s adultery.  But for some reason, it’s perfectly normal for men to swim in a sea of dicks.  

Just don’t swallow.  It’s salty as fuck.

The Muslim Brotherhood showcased a surprisingly good string of puns when they released the following headline in conjunction with the Adultery Swim Fatwa . . . (quote) “Buoys on the Tide: Sticky situation in the Perversion Gulf as married women swim in gland shark infested waters seeking salt water staffy and motion in the brocean.” (end quote)

I’m adding the Adultery Swim channel’s existence to Jet Pack and the Darth Vader butt plug in case Santa is listening.

But here’s the problem . . . The Arabic word for “nothing” is also masculine, which means she’s gotta put something in there, but only about half the things are eligible, so it gets tricky.  Book, but not page.  Finger, but not knuckle.  Shaft, but not tip.  And again, no veggies, so what’s a girl to do?!?

Fatwa: Women who swim in the ocean are committing adultery: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/12/1/-fatwa-women-who-swim-in-the-sea-commit-adultery-should-be-punished <<also>> http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/fatwa-al-azhar-university-cairo-women-swimming-in-sea-adultresses/1/326883.html

And in “Satan debatin’” news tonight; devil’s advocate, posthumous lesbianator and head of the New York based Satanic Temple Lucien Greaves has made it back into the news this week by filing a request to place a Satanic monument on the steps of the Oklahoma Statehouse… right next to the one with the ten commandments on it.  Greaves argues that if that space is reserved for religious displays, his religion has as much right to it as any other and unfortunately for Oklahoma theocrats, the stupid laws they recently enacted accidentally agree with him.

This is the great playground moment.  That asshole kid makes up a shitty new rule about the endzone boundary, and the very next play he’s past the hydrant, so it’s out of bounds.    

When asked about the possibility of a Satanic monument, representative Bobby Cleveland dismissed the idea and the Satanists behind it as falling under (quote) “the nut category”.  And not because believing in a giant red monster with a pitchfork that tempts humanity and runs the HR department in Hades is nutty.

So the notion that Lex Luthor exists is ridiculous … but Superman’s obviously real!!!

The Temple says they’re considering a number of designs none of which, unfortunately, involve Jesus and sodomy.  And I’d put 30 seconds on the clock here for Jesus Butt-Rape porn titles, but something tells me we’re gonna need that 30 seconds later.

But if anybody wants to chime in with a few, it’s been way too long since (hashtag) Butt Raping Jesus was trending on Twitter . . . I’ll get things rolling . . . Ass-Holy Communion: Receiving the Body of Christ . . .

Satanist seek to put up monument in Oklahoma courthouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/08/satanists-seek-spot-next-to-ten-commandments-monument-on-steps-oklahoma/

And from the “Popes Parting Velvet Ropes” file, Catholicism’s Rico Chart-Topper told Italian churchgoers that he gained valuable experience as a bouncer at a nightclub in Argentina, where it was also very important to correctly identify the age of a minor, no matter what kind of tip they offered.  His only regret was jumping right into the priesthood, before he got more experience working the rear entrance.

I wonder how the Union of Argentinian Bouncers is taking this news.  On the one hand they might be thinking of using it in their advertising; you know, bounce today, pontificate tomorrow; but on the other hand it’s gotta knock your badass image down three or four spots when people know your job could be done by the elderly hybridization of Woody Allen and Droopy Dog.

To bolster his reputation as the “people’s” supreme pontiff, Pope Frangioplasty made sure to mention that before he was even known as Reverend Whore-Gay Beer Goggles, he was just a normal blue-collar guy, checking fugitive Nazi ID’s, sweeping floors, and figuring out how to become humanity’s conduit to the implied omnipotent watch-maker of the universe.    

Pope admits he used to work as a bouncer: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/03/pope-i-was-once-a-bar-bouncer/

And in the “Who Would Jesus Shitcan?” file tonight, we have the story of Michael Griffin, a former teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, who was a current teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania until administrators recently found evidence that he was trying to marry a dude.

It’s weird that they find the ‘attempt to marry’ more offensive than the pre-marital butt sex.

And because US law somehow protects the rights of Catholic institutions to write in “no sucking off dudes” clauses into employment contracts, this bullshit is legal.  When asked how being gay-married could possibly affect the performance of Spanish and French teacher, an imaginary representative of the school explained that (quote) “being a homosexual probably helps you with French but he has to teach Spanish, too.”

Gay Catholic School teacher fired for applying for marriage lisence: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/dec/08/us-catholic-school-fires-gay-teacher-marriage

And in “Rush versus The Holy Triumverate” news, Rush Limbaugh is furious at Pope Franno Domini for endangering the Republican Party’s delicate Christianity hijack mission, by reminding Catholics that Jesus – as well as Kindergarten – both teach that “sharing is nice”.  Limbaugh believes the Pope is just bitter over losing to him in a “Jowl Roundness Contest”.

I’m dying to know how that thing was judged: I’m picturing them both holding one of those little Japanese drums from Karate Kid Two under their chins, flopping their heads back and forth.  Next up, in the acorn hoarding round…

The Octo-Chinned Conservative Casey Kasem – who labeled the Pope’s sharing remarks as (quote) “pure Marxism” – became an expert economist while failing to graduate from Southeast Missouri State.  In fairness, for all we know he could have breezed through at his safety school, which was West Northwest Southeast Missouri A&M.

Go Paddlefish!

Limbaugh released a segment called, “It’s Sad How Wrong Pope Francis Is [parentheses] (Unless It’s a Deliberate Mistranslation By Leftists)” . . . So built into his title – in parentheses! … as if almost tacitly understood! – is the claim that liberal spies have likely infiltrated the English translation department at the Vatican, for the purposes of sneaking references to “Das Kapital” into the Pope’s translated speeches, thus undermining American capitalism.

He’s not the best in the business for nothin’.  Glenn Beck would have needed 10 minutes and a chalkboard to connect all that shit and Rush does it 14 words and some brackets.

In honor of shitty Christian commentators, as well as yellow and brown journalists everywhere, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Christian Assholes as Shit Porn Stars – GO!!!

And I’m adding the 30 seconds I didn’t use earlier because that’s fucking awesome.  So now go.

I’ll start it out with a topical Flush Limbaugh … just as a courtesy.

Bowel O’Steen?  Wait… that sounded better before I said it… um… Joel O’Stain?

Maybe Bowl Osteen? . . . No- Bowel Sharpton.

Or Bowely Graham, maybe?

Speaking of stretching the bowels: Bran Coulter?

Brick Perry

Dick Santorum’s too easy . . . Wolf Shitzer?

Cardinal Timothy Colon

Deuce Almighty

Fanny Crosby?  That’s only funny if you’re a fan of late 17th century hymns, I guess.  How about Pope Fran-Cesspool?

L Ron Buggered

No fair using Scientologists.  My first thought was Shit Romney, but I didn’t use him, because Mormonism is a cult.

Anal Roberts

T.P. Jakes!

Scat Robertson

Rush v. the Holy Triumverate: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/02/rush-limbaugh-vs-the-pope/

Well, I hate to pinch off the poop puns early, but we’re outta time.  Heath, thanks for hanging out.

And when we return, Lucinda will join us to ruin her chances at a future political career.

One Kings in Rhyme

 

I suppose that if I was a deity, who fashioned the earth and the seas,

Then covered all up in creatures and made some subordinate mes,

And I had a message I wanted to send them, something that I thought was vital,

I’d probably write them a list of instructions, or at least divinely inspire a bible.

 

It would be hard to decide what to tell them, though, since the book could be only so long,

I’d want them to know there was purpose, and to know the right path from the wrong.

And I’d stress over what I’d include there, and I’d stress over what to omit,

After all there’s a lot more to say than the space of one single book would permit.

 

See, I’d want to impart on them knowledge, and show them the value of peace,

And I’d probably want to include something in it, about the nature of germs and disease.

Should I remind them not to rape women?  Or not to make people work without pay?

Should I tell them they can’t beat their children?  Or beat off more than four times a day?

 

Should I explain that the sun’s in the center?  Or the value of washing with soap?

Should I explain in unmistakable terms that there’s always a reason to hope?

Well, according to god the most wise course of action, is to leave out all of those things,

And make sure there’s plenty of space that’s left over, for a long list of Israel’s kings.

 

But I guess that’s why I don’t write bibles, and am just some anonymous tit,

And he’s the all-knowing creator of all, and the alpha, omega and shit.

If you read my book you’d know to be thoughtful, and to let people love who they choose,

But I’d fuck up and leave out important details, like who led the sixth century BCE jews.

 

I’d have skipped all the stuff about Solomon, and the temple he built for the Lord,

And instead I’ve had told them how telescopes work and what wonders they might point them toward.

I’d have droned on and on about hygiene, wasted time on nutritional facts,

And forgotten to mention who was leading the Jews when the Philistine army attacks.

 

I’d have pissed away pages on problems they would face as their populace grows,

And I’d have probably put is some stuff I can’t fathom that only a deity knows.

I’d have wasted a couple of chapters on the equality of genders and races,

And I’d have forgotten to smite them and punish their children for pillar and poles in high places.

 

I suppose that if I were to write it, you’d have questions at the end of the tome.

Like, “How long did it take for the third king of Israel to finish building his solid gold home?”

So I’ll submit that as I’m just a mortal, I can’t fathom a deity’s ways,

But from my perspective it’s fair to conclude that he sure writes in mysterious phrase.

Babble (One Kings)

One Kings; because god knows that you can never get enough mythologized Jewish history.  This book babbles endlessly about a series of Israel’s kings as though it’s daring you to keep reading.

And I think the singular is pronounced “king”.

So joining Heath and me to celebrate being one sixth of the way through this book is my beautiful wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back.

Always happy to be here.

The books are pretty linear at this point, so no need to set anything up; this basically starts right where Two Samuel ends.

  1. Now King David is old and sick and we have to decide who gets to be the next king.

    1. But before we get to all that, we have to tell you about the king’s new hooker, who he wasn’t fucking.

    2. No, she was just keeping him warm.

    3. “She wasn’t jerking me off!  She was trying to start a fire with my cock.”

    4. Yeah, King David was cold so his doctor prescribed a new virgin.  And also Solomon became king and his bro Adonijah was more than a little pissed about it.”

  • The talent pool in the desert must have been running dry, considering the most attractive woman in the land is named “Abishag the Shunammite” . . . Sounds more like an orc general from Lord of the Rings.   

  1. Then we get this touching bit where David takes Solomon aside and offers his final words.  And it’s basically a list of people he wants Solomon to kill.

    1. Including Shimei, the dude that David promised not to kill in the previous chapter.  He says, “All I said was I wouldn’t kill him.  I never said anything about you, or other hired assassins.  That wasn’t in the contract.”

    2. And then Adonijah says, “Hey bro, since you got the whole kingdom and everything, you think I could have dad’s new hooker?”  Solomon says “no” and then kills him for asking.

  2. And then Solomon proves he’s wise by threatening to cut a baby in half.

    1. This is actually a pretty fucked up story.  Two women are accusing each other of killing their baby and swapping him out for a living one, which is fucked up enough before David starts threatening to split the baby down the middle.

    2. So naturally the real mom says, “No, don’t chop the baby in half you fucking psycho!” but the other lady says, “Yeah, that makes sense.  I’ll take half a baby.  It’s enough for a stew.”

  • And this is Solomon’s tagline moment . . . His “Yippie Ki-Yay Mother Truckers!”  His defining biblical event is an episode of Judge Judah, when he settles a maternity dispute between a murderous whore and a regular whore.  Also, since when are single mother whores trying to keep their babies?!?  I guess the name Johnson had to start somewhere.

  1. And then chapter 4 is basically a list of Solomon’s cabinet, a list of what he eats and a list of people he was smarter than.

  • They make very sure to mention that he spake 3000 proverbs, and wrote one thousand … five … songs … Which is clearly bullshit.  Those are the most obviously “made-up numbers” I’ve ever heard.  There’s no way he hits EXACTLY 3000 proverbs and EXACTLY 1000 songs, but can’t resist writing 5 extra jingles.         

  1. And then Solomon gets the wheels turning on his new temple.  And let me tell ya it’s gonna be one bitchin’ ass temple.

  2. And in case you were wondering, say, how many cubits wide the nave was or how many sides the door posts have, it’s all spelled out in chapter six.

    1. Yeah, and god has the same interior design sense as Jay-Z apparently.

  • HaShemTV Cribs . . . Sons of Joshua Cribs

  1. And then we get all the important details about Solomon’s palace, including the latticework, the dishes, candle snuffers and spittoons.  Really important shit going on here.

  • “I know I’m just a slave laborer helping you build a palace, but do you guys think it’s the best idea to put all the gold, and the god box, all in one place?!?  I think we’re overdoing it a little.  I’m literally carrying a single basket of golden eggs.”  

  1. And then he has a house party…

  2. And for all his help building the temple and shit, Solomon gives Hiram 20 cities, but apparently they were his 20 crappiest cities.

  3. This book of the bible is like a first date with a rich douche.  Every few sentences we’re hearing about Solomon’s throne or his golden vessels or his fleets or his platinum butt plug.

  • I think we call this a … ‘teachable moment’ … Jews should only put the rarest of metals in their palace, and in their ass.  “But hold on – Stop making golden calves.  You guys always go straight to that!”       

  1. And in chapter 10 I’m pretty sure it brags about him fucking the Queen of Sheba, too.

  • I believe it said he gave her everything she desired, and a taste of the royal bounty on top.  So I’m pretty sure they fucked, and it sounds like they even got a milk and honey shot in there.          

  1. And in case you were wondering what kind of mileage he’s getting with that dick of his, Chapter 11 actually starts with the words, “Solomon loved many foreign women” and went on to describe his harem of more than a thousand wives..

  • This guy spread more STDs to minorities than the Tuskeegee Experiments.

    1. And if I’ve learned anything from this book, when vaginas show up, trouble can’t be far behind.  So, of course, his wives talk him into turning against god and offering burnt offerings to other gods so real god concoct this convoluted, multi-generational revenge plot.

  1. So Solomon dies and his son Rehoboam takes over.  The people come to their new king saying, “Hey, it would be awesome if you stopped whipping us.”  And Rehoboam endeared himself to the people by saying, “You don’t like the whips?  No more whips.  We’ll use scorpions instead.”

    1. And then the kingdom was divided because god likes to go over his shoulder to scratch his ass.

  • And they open 2 Mooby Burgers.  

  1. So you’ve got Jeroboam who god gives a chunk of the kingdom to and he’s an asshole, too.  He starts making non-Levite priests so god sends a prophet to tell Jeroboam that the shit’s about to hit the fan.

    1. And then god kills the prophet with a fucking lion for eating food and drinking water.

  • Falls for the oldest trick in the book.  Some guy walks up to him: “Are you a prophet from God?  Get the fuck out of here – me too!!!  Let’s go eat.  Oh you have a note from God that says don’t eat.  This is so crazy.  I have a note.  Also from God.  Says that you should disregard your note and go eat with me, after which you will definitely NOT be mauled by a tiger.”  

  1. So basically you’ve got Jeroboam running Israel into the ground and at the same time you’ve got Rehoboam fucking things up in Judah.

    1. Yeah, apparently they were making high places, pillars and sacred poles.  And if that’s not bad enough (and it is), their temple prostitutes were the wrong gender.

    2. Bunch of savages in this town.

  • Man-whores just aren’t cost effective . . . from an orifice perspective.  Less bang for your buck . . . despite more “schmekel per shekel”.  

  1. And is it just me or is this book pissed off at you for reading it?  It keeps saying stuff like “And are not the acts of Abijam, are they not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?”

  • Are you telling me the Gideons expect me to just guess what else happened to Abijam?!?  I’m sitting here in my hotel room like an idiot … trying to get the whole story on this Judaism stuff.    

    1. And during this unending war between Israel and Judah the Israelis get some practice walling off territories and that’ll come in handy later.

  1. And then we just start churning through one king after the other.  King so and so reigned for so many years and did evil by the lord greater than all the kings before him and then he died, ad infinitum

  2. And then we finally meet Elijah, who god is pawning around during a drought.  And he’s pretty badass.  He has birds that feed him and magic jars of food and he even brings kids back from the dead by rubbing his genitals against them.

  • Right … three dick rubs resurrects a dead baby.  They don’t mention this, but if you do it right, that will also get you to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.  I learned that the hard way.  

  1. So Elijah shows up all Charles Bronsony and decides to prove that god is god by challenging the prophets of Baal to a divine Ox-burning contest, in which he kicks ass.

    1. And then to emphasize how total his victory is, he kills all the prophets of Baal.

  2. Then Elijah flees like a pansy and god commands him to anoint a few new kings.

    1. And in a lost “who’s on first base” opportunity, Elijah meets Elisha

  3. Then there’s some boring war shit and one king attacks another king… fuck, I don’t even know anymore.  All I know is somebody didn’t kill the person god told him to kill so god gets all pissy.

    1. And we learn this from a bizarre story involving a masochistic prophet and a divine lion attack.

  4. Then Ahab wants Naboth’s vineyard, but he won’t sell it.  So Ahab’s wife arranges to have him stoned to death.

    1. God hears about this and gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell Ahab he’s fucked and dogs are gonna eat his wife.  

    2. But Ahab fasts and wears a sack around so god says, “shucks, I guess I don’t have to kill you and have dogs eat your wife.  I suppose we can save that punishment for your kids.”

  5. And then it ends with this long, pointless story about Jehoshaphat and the King of Israel want to go to war with Ramoth-Gilead and all but one of the prophets say they’ll win, but one prophet says the other prophets are full of shit… and they were.

    1. And the king gets killed in battle and, just as god had decreed, dogs lapped up his blood and, and in an understated twist, prostitutes bathed in it.

  • Yeah I’m confused by all the whore talk.  Why would there be prostitutes … when they had slaves?  Slave is the world’s oldest profession.  That’s like buying CDs on Napster.        

So I suppose the real mystery of One Kings is how the fuck they managed to finance the sequel.  We’ll find that out in three weeks and in the meantime, we’ll be washing our brains out with soap.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks for sticking with it.

Outro

Before we ring the final bell tonight, I wanted to make a quick correction.  We covered a story last week about public prayer booths in Kansas City and it was almost completely bullshit.  Sorry about that.  Another fail in our story-vetting process.  We’ll try to tighten that up and in the meantime I want to thank all the astute listeners who clued us in on that.

I also wanted to let everyone know that the nomination phase has started for the 2nd annual Stitcher Awards.  Heath, Lucinda and I really, really, really want to win one and we need your help.  You can nominate us up to once per day in as many categories as you think are appropriate.  So if you have a few minutes and you’re feeling generous this holiday season, please head over to Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com and nominate the shit out of us.  Daily.  I’m not too proud to beg.  You’ll also find links to the nomination page on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page because, like I said, I’m not too proud to beg.

http://stitcher.promotw.com/

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with a visit from the Friendly Atheist himself, Hemant Mehta so get excited about that.  But if you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out episode 33 of The Herd Mentality Podcast with Adam Reakes, where you can hear my impression of Joel O’Steen orgasming to death on an 8 horsepower, turbocharged, solid gold butt plug.

http://herdmentalitypodcast.com/

I need to thank Heath for keeping it real, Lucinda for putting up with the two of us, I want to thank everyone who did some Holiday shopping on our Cafe Press site and, of course, a huge thanks to Evan Bernstein from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s one fifth of my all-time favorite podcast, really cool of him to do it and of course, you’ll find a link to his show on this week’s shownotes, right next to the link to nominate us for a Stitcher Award.

http://www.theskepticsguide.org/

But most of all I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans, Wayne, Debbie and Vinnie; Wayne, whose ejaculations have seismological designations; and Debbie and Vinnie, whose altruism and advice deserves less of a one liner and more of a very genuine thanks on behalf of both my wife and myself for reminding us that generally speaking, humans are awesome.

And since I already hit you up for a Stitcher nomination half a dozen times, I’m not gonna bother reminding you that if you’d like to support the show financially you’ll find the donation button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 34 – Partial Transcript

October 11, 2013 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language in pretty much every sentence except this one.

 

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by End Timex Doomsday Clocks and Watches

End Timex crafts “End Time Pieces” for the sophisticated apocalypse watcher, or anyone with lots of money to burn before the rapture.  We’re so confident in our work, and in ancient prophecy, that we offer a “this lifetime warranty” on every purchase (wink wink).     

End Timex: Because you all have down counter syndrome.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro

It’s Thursday,

It’s October 10th,

and there’s a Broadway Bomb in Manhattan on Saturday that has nothing to do with Islam.     

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright

And from ignorantly Christopher Columbus friendly New York, New York

This is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode…

  • We’ll learn that people who really love America work to overthrow it,  

  • We examine a new humane, cage-free breed of rape joke.

  • And we’ll finger bang for Jesus

But first, the soothing tones of Noah Lugeons apologizing for being right.  Let’s go to the diatribe.

 

Diatribe

There are plenty of bullshit explanations for it, but the primary reason religion persists is because people would rather not think about dying.  Religion doesn’t really solve the problem, but it has proven to be a great way to delay the problem.

I’ve gone on record before in saying that only the slimmest minority of religious people believe in an afterlife.  Anybody who has ever exhibited self-preservation or mourned a loved one is full of shit if they tell you they honestly believe in heaven everlasting.  Or they think they and all their loved ones are evil and hellbound.

My favorite analogy is a soldier that took a fatal wound and he’s lying on the battlefield.  Religion comes up and hands him two band-aids and says “Here, put these over your eyes so you don’t see the wound.  It’ll go numb eventually.  Sure, it’ll still hurt if you move it and you’ll still die from it, but it’s better this way.”

And from what I’ve seen, when people cut their ties to religion, the rope marked “afterlife” is the last one to go and the hardest one to cut.  I know plenty of atheists that still try to cling to any suspect pseudo-science that claims to provide evidence for a soul.

I also know plenty of lenient atheists that are willing to excuse religion from any wrongdoing based solely on this dubious assumption: Religion helps people deal with loss.  Sure, you and I can handle confronting our mortality and the mortality of the people around us, but those dumbasses?  They need a fairy tale to cling to.  They need their security blanket and who are we to deny them their soul-snuggie?

Setting aside for a second that obviously their fairy tale doesn’t work, there are still some serious problems that arise when you try to spackle over the inevitable.  One way or the other, the wound is still bleeding and eventually you’re going to have to come to grips with it.  And who’s better suited for the task?  The person who spent their lives boldly facing their fragility or the person who spent the last few decades pretending they thought they got to go to the super-happy-world dimension?

I was listening to the Atheist Experience the other day, and for the eleven people that somehow heard of our show without hearing about theirs first, it’s a live, public access call-in show where they take calls from atheists and believers alike.  And even though 80% of their callers annoy the shit out of me, I still enjoy the show enough to listen to it every Monday morning.

Anyway, so a woman calls in and she’s clearly wavering in her faith.  She’s clearly made the mistake of critically examining her religious beliefs and they’re fast a-crumblin’.  But she’s holding out.  She’s having trouble letting go and it’s because she doesn’t want to take the band-aids off her eyes.

And it’s not a self-serving thing… or, at least not a directly self serving thing.  She seemed almost embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t her own death she was fearing.  It was her cats.  She was a cat person.  She’d lost a lot of cats over her life and she wanted above all things to know that someday she would be reunited with them.

I’m a cat person.  And as silly as this might seem to some, I understood one hundred percent.  I was lucky enough to be raised without a strong religious influence, so I came to grips with the “I’m gonna outlive my pets” thing a long time ago, but I can imagine how hard it would be to abandon such a pleasant fiction if you’d been using it to delay confronting the emotions.

So when I heard this, because I’m me, I got pissed.  That’s pretty much always my reaction when it comes to religion… you might have noticed.

See, here’s the cruel, if unintentional, consequence of believing in Heaven.  It’s not there.  And unless you’ve got some kind of serious mental dysfunction you eventually realize that it’s not there.  You eventually realize that you’ve been lied to the whole time and somehow you feel robbed of something you never even had to begin with.

What’s worse is that a lot of people only discover the net was an illusion when they jump into it.  It’s only when they have to face their own mortality or the mortality of someone they love that they realize the whole thing was a house of cards.  They’re counting on god to make sense of it all; they’re counting on heaven to make the loss easier to bear; they’re counting on religion to finally pay them back for all those tithes.

But there was never anything there.  And in the end they eventually have to deal with their loss the same way we secularists deal with it.  But we secularists get a bonus.  A realistic outlook on life and death leaves the finality in the forefront of your mind rather than trying to hide in the basement.  Every time I think about the people I love I temper it with their transience and it reminds me to forgive, to indulge, to embrace.  And it reminds me to pet my cats whenever the hell they tell me to because someday I won’t be able to anymore.

They said that religion would make it easier, but it doesn’t.  It’s in times like those that religion is at it’s weakest.  And mourning a loved one is hard enough if you don’t have to mourn your god alongside them.

 

Headlines

Re- joining me for headlines tonight is rejoiner Heath Enwright.  Heath, do you have a rejoinder?

No.  Can’t you just go straight to an improvised rhyming headline?

In our lead story tonight, Hobby Lobby lobs a snobby, snow job-by, daub of copy in a sloppy attempt to seem less lynch mob-by.  The half-assed apology came after New Jersey blogger Ken Berwitz complained to an employee that he couldn’t find any Hanukkah decorations only to be told that the jews should have thought about that before they killed Jesus.

I don’t agree with anyone involved, about anything.  I don’t like Christianity, I don’t like Judaism, and I don’t like holiday decorations of any kind.  That being said, why would a Jewish person be angry that a “bigoted” Christian store chain has stupid business practices?!?  Plus if you’re Jewish, you can’t transact on Saturday, it’s closed on Sunday, and you’re conspiring against Palestine all week, so when are you going there anyway?  

The corporation, which until now seemed to be operating under the “alienate-every-heathen-we-can” marketing strategy, surprised onlookers by taking any action whatsoever that failed to reinforce the “Christian-fuck-monkey” reputation they’ve worked so hard to earn.

I don’t think a business owned by religious fundamentalists should be allowed to use the word ‘hobby’.  Wouldn’t it be great if religious people just made little figurines and dioramas, AND THAT’S IT?!  Fly some model airplanes into the side of a building – that’s fine.  Just know that the actual Boba Fett isn’t going to descend from heaven with angellic jet pack wings and save humanity from sin.    

Hey, you can’t prove there’s no Boba Fett… and speaking of not being able to prove, Berwitz cites the irrefutable source of “some woman my wife knows”, who claims that upon asking where the Hanukkah merchandise was, the aforementioned friend of a friend was told (pseudo-quote) “We don’t cater to your people” (end quote), though I’m damn tempted to add “your droids will have to wait outside”.

“I’m sorry, ma’am.  We suggest that all Jews proceed to the ‘lobby’ section of the store.  Try out the ‘oxygen’ bar.  But there’s nothing for you in the ‘hobby’ section.  And yes those Golem droids will have to wait outside.”

In Hobby Lobby’s defense, a number of the company’s stores do carry a limited selection of Jewy stuff and have for years.  Plus, how the hell were they supposed to know there were Jews in a city less than fifty miles from Manhattan?

Hobby Lobby reluctantly agrees to carry Jewish holiday stuff: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/04/hobby-lobby-jewish-holiday_n_4046481.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

In “pedophile scandal oversight bell curve” news, the Vatican grade has improved from a lazy F, to an equally lazy D minus by default, after an expert in the field admits his own evangelicals are even worse than Catholics.  Regardless, the existence of an “expert in the field” and also the existence of “the field” are god’s fault.  

You know that the Catholics are celebrating this publicly, but behind the scenes Pope Frannie Mae has everybody down to the Vatican lunch ladies raping kids overtime.  They don’t like being number two in anything and they especially hate number two when they’re butt-raping kids.

The expert in question is named Boz Tchividjian– … The expert in question has a name, and his initials are BT.  Mr. T gained his expertise as executive director of Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment, or GRACE.  They investigate sex abuse allegations, and are exactly the type of organization that should have a clever, playful acronym.         

They considered going with Butt and Lip Intrusion Survivors Society, or BLISS and I hear they also rejected Bureau of Rampant Accusations of Clergy Encroaching on Young Or Underage Rectums, Sometimes Evoking Legal Fees; or BRACE-YOURSELF.

Mr T. says, “Protestants can be very arrogant when pointing to Catholics.” . . .

Apparently decades of being relatively less bad than their rival sect at handling pedophile scandals, was a big point of pride.  Rapist Clergy Handling is their Army-Navy game.  Even though both teams often enter the game winless, the season is a big success for the winner that ends up with a 1 – 11 record.           

I hear that Pentecostals rape children in tongues.

The takeaway here, is that eating babies is way less egregious than raping altar boys.  But when Richard Dawkins finally gets caught eating “tar baby tartare”, you won’t see atheists smuggling him out of England to avoid prosecution.  Why is he eating dark meat?  It sounded better.    

Pedophile expert declares Protestants worse than Catholicshttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2013/10/tchividjian-protestants-worse-than-catholics/

And moving on to “beep beep, mm- beep beep No” news, this week’s ridiculous example of Muslim misogyny comes to us from Saudi cleric and person whose name is clearly compensating for something, Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan.  In an interview with sabq.org, this vacuous dingleberry warned that women who drive cars risk damage to their ovaries that will likely lead to mutant babies.

I’d say regardless of driving – women risk damaging their ovaries by continuing to live in Saudi Arabia.  Do women who drive, birth mutants every time?  Yes.  Should women be driving in general?  No.  But move out of Arapia first, and then worry about vehicular rights you don’t deserve.  Arguing about it while you’re still living under sharia law, is like a heroin addict giving up chocolate for lent.  

Appealing to Saudi women’s sense of maternal duty and utter lack of reproductive education, al-Lohaidan offered his bloviations in response to a growing social movement among Saudi women who want the right to drive for reasons including but not limited to running over assholes like this cleric.

Maybe a little genetic mutation in Saudi Arabia isn’t the worst thing in the world?  Bunch of pregnant muslims sneaking into cars, turning out jews and atheists.  Might teach ’em a lesson.  

Muslim Clerics warn women who drive will damage their ovaries and have mutant babies: http://blogs.reuters.com/faithworld/2013/09/29/top-saudi-cleric-says-women-who-drive-risk-damaging-their-ovaries/

And in “Anti-Arab Autumn” news, the same lawyer who thinks President Obama was birthed by a lion in Kenya, is now calling for a takeover of the executive branch, in order to halt the nearly-completed installation of an Islamic theocracy in Washington.  

Oh right, you Arab-spring ahead and Arab-fall back…

Larry Klayman, the asshole who tried to claim Kenyans can’t run, said this about the POTUS . . . and I’m paraphrasing . . .

Wait, I’m sorry, did you say this dude’s name was “Larry Klansmen?”

(quote) “[Don’t quote me on this, but… I don’t like] his Muslim, socialist, anti-Semitic, anti-Christian, anti-white, pro-illegal immigrant, pro-radical gay and lesbian agenda [face!].” (end quote)

Few things . . . First, I quoted you.  Suck it.  Next, Mexicans are all Catholic, so you can’t be pro-illegal immigrant, and anti-Christian at the same time in this country.  Also, what the fuck is the “radical” gay agenda?!? . . . “Must ask, must tell… in graphic detail”?  Are there super-mutant gay people, suggesting us inferior hetero-breeders will be weeded out by evolution?!?  XXX Men?

Klayman goes on to suggest the President deserves prison time, and actually uses the phrase “leave town”, like he’s fucking Wyatt Earp, and Obama – being yellow bellied and lilly livered – would decide it’s best to take his family back to Chicago, or the savannah outside Nairobi, or wherever they’re from.  

Obama’s Muslims agenda gone too far – Klayman calls for military coup: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/klayman-sets-date-revolution-end-obamas-reign-terror

And in “Would You Like to Fry in Hell With That?” news, a Chicago area restaurant is enraging Catholics all over the country by disrespecting their magic cracker.  Kuma’s Corner, a “heavy metal” themed burger joint is offering a sacrilegious special in October called the “Ghost” burger, which looks kind of crappy even if you take off the controversial communion wafer garnish that has the papists so pissy.

What are we supposed to eat the body of Christ raw and unseasoned like the bloody savage Catholics?!?  Can you imagine a butcher selling filet mignon, as patrons walk up in line and french kiss the steak out of his mouth.  If religion isn’t stupid enough yet, in this analogy, they would all sit down and eat the bloody steak right there in the shop, while the butcher gave a speech about holy cows.    

With brazen disregard for the sanctity of unleavened biscuits, the restaurant’s management is offering the tasteless treat (along with a red wine reduction) in conjunction with the release of a new album from the band “Ghost”.  Apparently the band is known for dressing in clerical garb onstage, or rather, that’s what they were known for before they were known for being that band that inspired that burger joint to fuck with pope-crackers.

Well as long as the band isn’t being ironic, the “sin and out” burger should be protected under the free exercise clause.  However, if they are being ironic, it’s protected under “you can do what you want”.  So as long as they aren’t being ironic or genuine, the Catholics have a legitimate gripe.     

Well only some reactionary Catholics have expressed outrage over this publicity stunt, more level headed papists urge a rational response.  After all, it’s just a cracker.  It’s not like a Cardinal has already performed the magic spell that turns it into divine jewish god-flesh or anything.

Chicago restaurant offers “Communion Burger”, Catholics lose their shit: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/03/is-the-communion-burger-in-poor-taste/

And from the “Who said British parties are boring” file, Students from the “Atheist, Secularist and Humanist Society” at London School of Economics were forced to leave the university’s first-year student fair, because of T-shirts with cartoons that offended religious people.  In a rare twist, it was the normally thick-skinned followers of Islam that took umbrage with free speech.  

Next thing you’re gonna tell me people are chopping off pieces of their babies’ dicks.

The next day, despite the hilarious solution of putting tape over the “offensive” parts, reading “Censored” and “Nothing to see here”, the atheists were once again ejected.   Maybe the tape was a little insensitive . . . Can’t believe they didn’t wear burkas over the shirts on day two.

What if we just said we were offended by offense.  Would it send the politically correct fucktards into a self-reinforcing feedback loop of inevitable destruction?  And if we try that and it fails, can we just kick them in the nuts?

One atheist, always the diplomatic problem solver, suggested Muslims could just close their eye-slit as they walked past the atheist table.  Then a pedantic onlooker who doesn’t understand sarcasm, pointed out that only women have the eye-slit thing, and eye-slit-clad women clearly aren’t allowed to study economics.  Then he added, “I don’t want to be pedantic, but the eye-slit thing is called a niqab.”

Bottom line, getting offended by British nerds is YOUR fault.

Jesus and Mo T-shirts censored at LSE: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/06/wearing-jesus-mo-shirts-doesnt-mean-youre-discriminating-against-christians-and-muslims/

And finally tonight, in “I don’t care how straight you are, you wish this was a video of two dudes going full anal” news, we bring you the latest in creative and awesome “fuck you”s directed at Fred Phelps and the notorious Westboro Baptist church.

What do you mean, “wish”?  That “Phelps on Phelps Backstroke” video you sent me isn’t the one we’re talking about?

No, by court order I can’t admit to having that one.  This is a different one.  But there’s a set-up.  Previously on the Scathing Atheist we brought you the story of Aaron Jackson who bought the house across the street from the church and painted it all gay and rainbowy.  More recently we brought you the story of members of the Satanic Temple turning Phelps’ dead mom gay by beating off on her tombstone.  But in an impressive display of one upmanship the punk band “Get Shot” offered the WBC the most literal “go fuck yourself” yet by going to the church and fucking themselves.

Gotta love this country.  The American version of “Pussy Riot” features actual free market pussy.   

Bass player and autoerotic-engineer Laura Lush decided that the lawn of the church would make an ideal backdrop for a video of her pleasuring herself dressed in nothing but nail polish.  

Bass player for California punk band does some fingering below the staff.  

Although she didn’t really need a porn alias, Laura Lush is also known by her porn alias, Flora Bush.  When asked for a statement, she could have but didn’t say, (quote) “My bow and my staff, I come for them.”

According to the band’s press release they contacted the church in hopes of obtaining any surveillance footage that might have had a good up-vag angle, though there’s no word on whether Phelps and friends are done jacking off to it yet.

Or spanking the bass . . .

They were worried police might arrive, and they would have a real mess on their hands, so they got in and out, and got the shot quickly.  She wanted to take it a second time, but the guys with the equipment were tired and ready to leave . . .

OK, as usual we’ll put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Titles for the new porn, Go!!!

Vaginal DJ in B-Cup Minor

The band’s called, Get Shot! . . . the porn’s gotta be called, “Get Money Shot!” . . . Hopefully she’s a squirter, or at least willing to get her feet wet.  

Um… The Mighty Fist of God?

“The Girl with the Bass Cleft Asshole” . . . Perfect if Stieg Larsson starts writing atheist porn scripts along with the Coen Brothers.

What about just “Spunk Rock”?

Those Spunk Rockers do like to DIY.

Or just DY.

With KY.

And of course, I don’t want to close this segment before pointing out that I, too, believe that god hates fags, just in case there were any punk bands in the New York area whose hot, exhibitionist bass players were looking for a lawn on which to strip naked and masturbate.

Punk Band shoots porn video on lawn of Westboro Baptist Church: https://www.facebook.com/getshotkicksass/posts/519319074820814

And on that string of below the belt jokes we’ll close the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

Yeah, whatever.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here so don’t tell her about all the pussy jokes.

 

Poem

Okay so yeah, I read Ruth and to tell you the truth,

You sneeze and you’re through it, so screw it, I can’t write an ode to it.

I mean shit, ya’ll a poem? I don’t know, um…

 

Roses are red and violets are blue;

Ruth wants to fuck Boaz and he wants it too.  

So they do, that’s the end, hallelujah, amen.

 

Cause that’s it.  Holy shit, I don’t get where to go,

And I know that for seven shows in a row,

I’ve put something mildly clever together, but that can’t last forever…

 

Sure, I know some were ho-hum but at least they were poems,

And now it’s expected, you’d feel disrespected, dejected;

Our poor audience who saw me once as a dependable dude, it would be rude.

So I’m screwed.

 

Hell, I really start bumming when I look at what’s coming.

What, I’m gonna write two poems about Samuel and two about Kings?

By Chronicles we’re all gonna be sick of these things.

 

And I know that you’d say it’s okay, it’s not like you pay

for this shit, so a day off is fit, I can lay off for a bit and omit that skit.

But if I should neglect what our fanbase expects, what comes next?

A show with no sponsor?  Or no diatribe in it?

Or one that comes out late on Friday and is 32 minutes?

 

So I read and reread and see that indeed;

There’s nothing worth rhyming in this whole boring screed.

Why does it bore me?  No story.  That’s hard to ignore, we

Just came off seven books that were horrid and gory,

 

And now this load of piss?  No armies, no slaughter,

No tossing a rape mob your viriginal daughter,

Sure, I guess if I’m pressed, I’ll confess there’s some sex to address,

But I’m no less stressed,

 

Because as much innuendo I find buried just underneath,

And knowing that blowjob jokes always have teeth,

I know that there isn’t much humor this book can bequeath

And I can’t steal all the dick jokes from Lucinda and Heath…

 

So a thousand apologies, but I’ve written poems for all of these (of varying qualities),

But writing a poem for Ruth is like pulling a tooth.

And I’m on a deadline, still gotta write headlines and I’m crossing my redline,

 

So with all due respect, I’m vexed and perplexed and I can’t make this text rhyme,

So no poem for this episode, but I’ll do better the next time,

 

Babble

Logging in at a whopping 4 books, Ruth is one of the shortest books in the bible and is so short, in fact, that you could read it quicker than we can finish this segment, but you wouldn’t want to because it still sucks.

So joining Heath and me to take on this biblical pamphlet is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome to the show.

Before we get started, it’s probably worth noting that the book of Ruth was a late edition to the Historical Books and was written by an unknown author who really, really wanted to fuck a Moabite chick and didn’t want to be stoned to death for it.

And with that let’s dive in.

  1. First we meet Naomi who has a really shitty turn of luck.  Her husband dies and both of her adult sons die, leaving her with nothing but two daughter-in-laws, and since women are worse than worthless in the bible, that’s like having less than nothing.

  • Sure you hear about famine in the news.  But when you’re living in a safe nomadic religious desert tribe, you never think it can happen to your family.  Even if your book needs a minor plot impetus.    

  1. So barren and hapless, Naomi decides to return from the land of the Moabites to her people, who are the Jews, and both of her daughter-in-laws want to come with her.  She talks Orpah into fucking off, but the infatuated lesbian daughter-in-law Ruth goes off on a stalkers monologue that makes the lyrics to “I’ll Be Watching You” seem like a healthy relationship.

  2. So they get back to Naomi’s hometown of Bethlehem and everybody runs out and says, “Hey Naomi”, but she’s changed her name because Naomi means “pleasant” and since god hated her enough to kill her family, she asks them to call her “Mara”, which means “bitter”.  Because we all love these mid-book name changes.

  • Yeah I could do without all the”Ocho Cinco” bullshit in the bible. It’s not like she wrastled god near a directional body of water or something.   

  1. So they get back to Bethlehem and Ruth figures they gotta eat so she goes out to scrounge some leftover grain, which is what the destitute did back then.  While she’s out there busting her ass, the wealthy and available Boaz takes notice of her and lays on the flirt.

  • And Boaz is every Jewish-stepmother-of-a-Moabite-lesbian-widow’s dream son in law.  He’s in the tribe, he owns land.  He’s one classy Jew.  He put the Lacoste back in Holocaust before it even existed.    

  1. And it’s so hard not to sexualize the hell out of the conversation.  Especially when he starts telling her to dip her morsel in his sour wine.

  2. Or when she (quote) “fell prostrate with her face to the ground before him”

  • “Oops I fell over . . . I’m just a poor, clumsy shixa, trying to break into Judaism.   How will I ever pay you for these free scraps of grain?”

    1. So she gathers all the grain she can hold and brings it back to town to show Naomi cum Mara how much she got.  Naomi tells her “good job.  Now whoever’s dick you sucked to get this, go back and swallow next time”.  Cause mom knows a good thing when she sucks it.

  1. So Naomi hatches a plan for Ruth to win Boaz’s heart and I dare say that it’s an effective man-seducing strategy.  She tells Ruth to get all dolled up, wait until Boaz gets drunk and passes out, and crawl into bed with him.  And then when he wakes up, do whatever he tells you to do.

  • “What if he thinks I’m ugly?”  

“You are ugly, Ruth.  You’re an ugly race traitor whore.  But beauty is in the eyes of the money shot beholder.”

Now, this is important to point out.  In the book it says that mom told her to “uncover his feet” while he’s sleeping.  And, of course, as we noted when we did Exodus, foot is often a biblical euphemism for the cock.

  • Astute listener, Will, actually emailed us to make sure we got that.  “I know you guys don’t have trouble fitting dick jokes into your segments, but foot is DaVinci code for dick.”

And he was smart about it, too.  He left the message in the note-line of a donation to the show, which is always the best place to leave messages for us.

  1. So she does exactly that and when he wakes up he’s says, “Hey, chick sleeping at my feet.  Cool.  Who the hell are you?”  So she tells him that she’s there to suck him off or whatever he prefers.

  • Just put your cloak over my head, like I’m a subway prostitute, so nobody will see me blowing you.  

  1. And Boaz must be a little hungover because he says, “Let me see if I can find somebody else that can fuck you tomorrow, but if not, I’ll take care of you.”

  • “Yeah listen . . . I know you’re new and everything, so you probably didn’t read all the stuff in the manual, but I can’t just fuck you myself when there’s a closer relative that might want to fuck you . . . I see the look on your face right now, but I swear we’re not crazy.”      

  1. And proving that he totally doesn’t know how the hooker thing works, he pays her for not fucking him and sends her on her way.

  • “I’m sure waking up to you technically already blowing me had nothing to do with the grain thing.  Unless you’re running some sort of ageless long con . . . Nah – I’m paying you anyway.”   

  1. So then Boaz tries to pawn Ruth off on one of his relatives but when his cousin realizes that it would fuck up his inheritance, Boaz agrees to marry Ruth and take all of her dead husband’s shit and make babies with her.

    1. Right, but he agrees to that with ten of the city elders.  He doesn’t agree with her.

    2. Hebrew woman is like altar-boy: consent is assumed.

  • Personal consent is too subjective.  Immaculate consent is much more objective.    

  1. So yeah, after this hugely romantic gesture the book ends and we realize that no, there was no fucking point whatsoever.  Except maybe to point out that King David was so awesome that even his great grandmother gets a whole book of the bible.

And yeah, that’s it.  It’s a love-story with no conflict.  It literally is “boy meets girl, they get married and have kids”.  Nothing to resolve.  It’s like a rom-com where two co-workers that get along just fine go on a business trip together and continue to get along just fine.  And then they fuck.

I’m okay with that.  We didn’t splash any blood or rape anybody or anything.  It’s a nice change of pace.  And it was the shortest book so it was also the best one.

Yeah, but it’s tempting to say that even this short-ass book was way too long considering how little it had to say, but when you consider what a bunch of raging fucking bigots biblical era jews were, the very fact that Ruth is a foreigner is plenty of conflict.  According to the introductory essay in the NSRV (which is almost as long as the book in this instance), this was a post-facto addition to the Historical books meant to soften the “no boning foreigners” rule.

You can fuck them, but only flaccid.  So god made women called Ruth forever ugly, as a reminder.  

Except the one that donated to our show.  So before we accidentally insult anymore of our financial supporters we’ll wrap this edition of the Holy Babble.  Lucinda, Heath, thanks for ignoring your gag reflex long enough to keep doing this.

And remember, if you’re reading along at home, stop doing that.  We’re reading it so you don’t have to.

 

Outro

Before we blow our load tonight I want to offer another piss-poor excuse for not having merch available yet, but I don’t have one so I’m just going to sheepishly admit that it’ll be at least one more week.

Of course I can’t end this thing without thanking Heath and Lucinda for being a collective two thirds of why this thing works and, of course, I also need to thank Shujin Tribble from the Feline Conspiracies Wednesday Night 80s Bash in Second Life for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, I’m not sure exactly what that even is, but thanks bro, very fun one.

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Only the most valiant, valorous and venturesome vanquishers have the verisimilitude required to give us money, but if you think you measure up to the noblesse of Richard, Brian, Roger, Stephen, Alison, Timothy, Geoff, April, Parminder, Elena, Mike, Eric, Stephen, Will and Duncan, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And a quick note to those cyclically awesome few who have tried to set up recurring monthly donations on Paypal for us, thanks a ton, for whatever reason those don’t seem to be going through, but I’m on it from my end and we’ll try to get that worked out, I promise.  Believe me, nobody wants to make it easier for you to give us money than we do.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 31 Partial Transcript

September 19, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript may include portions that were edited out due to time constraints)

Sponsor

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Act now and get three free alligators when you upgrade to the new moat and drawbridge package.  Jehovah’s Witness Protection, because there are worse things to have on your porch than a flaming bag of shit.

And now the Scathing Atheist

Intro

It’s Thursday, it’s September 19th and this sentence is a palindrome…

mordnilap a si ecnetnes siht.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from “Rapture City” New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Lucinda will join us in the Holy Babble segment to take the edge off the concubine gang rape jokes,

  • Christians will drink poop,

  • And we’ll learn that every time a pastor beats you off, a fairy gets its wings.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

I’ve got a friend who has one of those jobs where occasionally you have to take phone calls from people who bitch at you for things you have nothing to do with.  Oh, and for our younger listeners, phone calls are like real time, voice activated audio-texts.

Anyway, so the other day I ran into him and he was dying to tell me about one such conversation.  Some dude had called to complain about some company policy that was set by somebody in another country.  So while he’s bitching, my buddy explains that he doesn’t actually set the company’s policies and has no control over them.

To which his animated caller goes all prematurely Godwin and tells him that he’s no different than the guards at them there concentration camps.

Exhibiting a nearly Herculean amount of patience, my friend calmly asks the guy to dial back his rhetoric a bit and then the jerk tosses out a response so indefensibly stupid I had to write a diatribe about it.

He said: “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a pastor.  I’m used to fighting for the weak.”

I don’t want to bog this down with boring details of the policy the guy was complaining about, so I’ll just say that him bitching about it had about as little to do with “fighting for the weak” as being a pastor does, so I can only imagine the befuddled silence and stifled laughter that the assertion actually provoked.

My first thought upon hearing the story was “fight for the weak, eh?  So you guys are paying taxes now?  Because every time I earn a dollar a chunk of it goes to the weak.  Every time I pay my property taxes they go to the weak.  How about you?  Who pays your tax-free salary again?  The weak?  Got it.”

But that’s far from being the most ludicrous delusion in that sentence.  This person is actually invoking a career in taking advantage of people, deluding people, indoctrinating children, fighting against reality, opposing social progress and believing in fairy tales, and for this he thinks he’s entitled to some level of respect.

I’m not just stupid, I majored in stupid.  I have an advanced degree in stupid.  I’ve devoted my life to stupid.

Well somehow I’m still not impressed.  I’d be more impressed if you had a masters degree in My Little Ponies because… My Little Ponies are actually pretty awesome and bronie or no, I guarantee you’ll find more morality in those cartoons than you’ll find in the bible.

“I’m a pastor…”  And for that you deserve some kind of deference?  You know, given the fact that we’re gonna be leading off headlines this week with a story about a pastor raping children for the third week in a row I don’t know how the fuck you try to attach that profession with morality.  If he said, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a pastor, I’m used to sexually abusing the weak”, I’d have simply applauded him for his honesty.

And you know what, maybe this dude does “fight for the weak”.  Maybe he’s out there right now with his metaphorical boxing gloves on kicking the shit out of hunger and homelessness at this very moment.  But if he is, it ain’t cause he’s a fucking pastor.  It’s because he’s a moral person.  The CEO for Panera Bread fights for the weak too but I bet he wouldn’t excuse his assholery on the phone by saying, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a CEO, I’m used to fighting for the weak.”

The very fact that such a thing as a degree in theology exists is an insult to education.  Think about it.  We’d be pretty fucked if we woke up tomorrow and all the world’s surgeons were gone.  Or all the world’s physicists.  Or all the world’s firefighters or teachers or plumbers or carpenters or jizz moppers or truck drivers or pharmacists.  And we’d at least be horribly inconvenienced if we woke up tomorrow and there were no podcasters, jugglers, musicians or masked vigilantes.

But what would happen if we lost all the theologists?  Where would we get our nothing?  If all the world’s pastors were abducted by aliens tomorrow, who would molest our children?  Who would fleece our uneducated?  Who would terrify our nieces and nephews?  Who would hate our fags?

Yeah.  You’re a pastor.  You wanna impress me?  Try getting a real job.  Like one where you have to take phone calls from assholes like you.

Headlines  

Joining me…

Joining me for headlines tonight is Noah Lugeons because if I talk first then you’re joining me.  I mean, we were both already here.

What the hell?  Next thing I know you’re gonna try to beat me to the lead story.

In our lead story tonight, a pastor in Iowa claims allegations of sexual abuse against him are just another big misunderstanding.  Ex-Pastor Brent Girouex pioneered a procedure he calls a Semen Exorcism, in which he jerks off kids until they stop being gay.

Alright, so the movie version would be called “Redeemin’ the Semen Demon” obviously, but I can’t decide if Michael Bay or Steven Soderbergh would direct.  One way or the other, Sharon Stone plays pastor Girouex.

He credits his success to such awful handjob technique, that even women do it better.  In particular, poor sense of cock, and also bad calluses – or the “lumber-jacking effect”.  Used in a sentence: “I got lumber-jacked by Pastor Brent, and now I prefer vagina.”

I don’t know… I’m finding his excuse a little hard to splatter on my tits.

One self-proclaimed rape victim – or exorcise partner – argued (quote) “But you can see how someone might think they were the victim of a gay pedophile, right?” (end quote) . . .

Isn’t it sad that pastor-rapes-child stories have to have an angle now to be newsworthy?  I mean, if it wasn’t for this dingleberry convincing himself that he could clear things up with the “Hey, it isn’t rape if we were praying defense,” this would be a non-story.  What?  Pastor raped 60 kids over a period of decades?  And how’s that news?

Somehow convinced he could smooth things over, the allegedly disgraced gay sexorcist allegedly spoke to detectives, and had words to say.  Here are those words.  Keep in mind, this an adult, talking to police about his activities with kids, trying NOT to get arrested . . .  

(quote) “When they would ejaculate-” Now right there.  Already a bad start . . .

(quote)“When they would ejaculate, they would be getting rid of the evil thoughts in their mind,” (end quote) . . .

And the science backs him up on this.  Thinking about ejaculating, ejaculating.  Those are the only two settings for the teenage male brain.

And in case you’re wondering if his punishment will be as stiff as his altar boys, 60 counts of sexual exploitation will land him in jail for as many as 24 hours.  He might leave after lunch, if he doesn’t manually service anyone inappropriately that morning.   

Yeah, he was originally sentenced to 17 years, but it was later reduced to probation and treatment when it was pointed out that the kids he molested were cured of their gayness.

New Rationale for Pedophilia: http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/gay-issues/ex-pastor-brent-girouex-allegedly-had-sex-boys-help-them-homosexual-urges#

And in convenient…

And in convenient archaeology news, an Israeli team has uncovered a new cache of Jew gold, and some other really old unfabricated stuff, proving conclusively that Judaism actually existed long before 1948.  Along with 36 gold coins, and a medallion with a menorah drawing, they found a tablet etching that read “Jewish Jesus was here first”.  

Well if nothing else, I suppose this finally settles the “who owns the temple mount” question.  Which is a shame because I was still holding out hope that it would ultimately be adjudicated by a winner take all wet-burka contest.

Just when Israel was about to cave, and peacefully concede a bunch of land to Palestine, they find perfectly preserved title deeds, corresponding precisely to all the dibs in the Old Testament, including Holy Water Works and all four railroads.  

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could talk it out like a Monopoly trade?

“Tell you what, I’ll give you Marvin Gardens and Hotels for Gaza, you give me the Temple Mount and that other green one.”

This all sounds like rock solid proof of cosmic historical ownership.  I’m sure they would reconsider if they ever found an Islamic artifact buried in Jerusalem, which they clearly have not.  All of a sudden, you might see the stubborn side of Netanyahu, as opposed to his normal, silky smooth, placating diplomacy with neighboring “so-called” countries.  Let’s all hope this doesn’t lead to instability in the region.  

Ok sarcastically mocking the Jews . . . Check.  Are the Christians up to any stupid shit?  

Jews find more jew gold: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/09/10/ancient-treasure-trove-uncovered-near-temple-mount/

And in “The… (pause) And in… you gonna…?

No, go ahead.

And in “the Holy Shit joke would be too easy” news tonight, a recent study has discovered that the majority of the world’s holy water contains dangerous amounts of fecal matter.  Because when we said the church was feeding you shit, we only thought it was metaphorical.

I love it!!!  Christians are honest-to-god shit sippers!!!    

The only way this gets worse for them, is getting that awkward email from Jesus, saying he has AIDS, and everyone who’s had contact with his blood should get tested.   

Austrian researchers sampled water from 39 different holy springs and church fonts and discovered that the water was so blessed with vitality it was home to some 62 million bacteria per milliliter, including E coli, enterococci and campylobacter, a combination that comes in handy for anyone who needs to projectile defecate through a coffee filter and then die.

Christianity: Drink shit and die . . .  

You’d hope the church will finally have to break down and apologize for LITERALLY feeding their shit to the public, then the public shitting it out, wiping it on their hand, dipping it in the church basin, and then ingesting more shit, and then lethally projectile shitting out diarrhea, which is made up of the holy shit they drank.   

Dr Alexander Kirschner, a microbiologist from the Medical University of Vienna, recommend that priests act responsibly and put up signs warning people that the holy water has as much shit as the sermon.  But loyal Christian sewage garglers point out that their only drinking blessed remnants of fecal matter.

“Holy water number two number two cause of Christians being full of shit.”

Majority of world’s holy water found to contain fecal matter: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/14/most-holy-water-found-to-contain-not-so-holy-shit/

According to a pastor in Houston, all contracts are void if either party has their delicate religious sensibilities offended.  Apostle Michael Canty of the Truth Ministries Holiness Church – which sounds like a government building in “1984” – refused to marry a couple because the bride’s dress was too revealing.  

According to the article on Friendly Atheist (dot) com, the family assumed the pastor was wearing out a crappy joke when he repeatedly asked where the rest of the dress was.  Upon discovering that no, this wasn’t the pre-dress or anything, the pastor demanded that the bride-to-be cover up her breast area and lengthen the dress.  In thirty minutes.  Or he was taking his balls and going home.

Granted, the so-called wedding dress looks more like a tear-away stripper warm-up uniform . . .

But demanding a last minute, iron-on burqa attachment is asinine.  

Yeah… nothing says slutty like “I now take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband.”

All things considered, you probably don’t want to be married by a guy with a visible erection anyway . . . But it is refreshing to see a pastor aroused by an adult female.   

“Anyone who objects to this bridal gown should forever hold his piece… or at least turn it to one side and tuck it under his belt so the bulge isn’t as noticeable.”

Priest Can’t Perform Wedding With Visible Erection: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/10/pastor-refuses-to-marry-couple-an-hour-before-ceremony-because-brides-dress-is-too-sexy/

And in “The-Strong-Forearm-of-the-Law” news tonight, it turns out that an Indonesian lawmaker whose career has been defined by a single-minded obsession with pornography is obsessed with pornography

Fifty year old conservative MP Arifinto championed a law that called for prison terms for everything from public kissing to displaying lewd artwork and then managed to get caught surreptitiously watching pornography during a parliamentary debate.

In fairness, it’s important to point out that Arifinto’s not usually known as a master debater at these events, but wanting to display prominent member status on the parliament floor, he must have decided to get his feet wet that day.  

Images of the newly-disgraced, newly-unemployed hypocrite drooling over PornHub were captured by a photojournalist and quickly found their way into newspapers throughout the nation.  Indonesia, which boasts the world’s largest population of Muslims could not be reached, as the porn-starved nation was busy rubbing one out to the blurred images of whatever Arifinto was looking at.

Anti Porn MP resigns after getting caught watching porn: http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-202_162-20052796.html

Well that’s gonna to it for headlines tonight, Heath thanks for joining me tonight.

    Well that’s gonna to it for headlines tonight, Noah thanks for joining me tonight.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to take some of the sting out of how bad the bible sucks..

Poem

Okay, so I think we can all agree that eventually this whole poem shtick is gonna wear thin if I don’t change it up here and there, so I’d like to now present the book of Judges, in Limericks.

 

There were a series of jews tasked with judging,

Through god’s incessant fits and begrudging,

So quick, alert CNN

As we learn once again,

That god’s a testy, forgetful curmudgeon

 

The first judge, Ehum, was left-handed.

The jews angered god so they got reprimanded

By an oppressive, fat lord,

So Ehum took his sword,

And shoved it so deep in the king’s gut it got stranded.

 

Deborah, the next judge, saw visions,

Upon which the jews made decisions.

Sisera’s armies attack,

So she goes with Barak,

And they use a stake as their chief ammunition.

 

Then there’s Gideon, whose kind of a dick,

He kills Midianites with a trumpet based trick,

With 300 men he achieves,

Something as hard to believe

As that god-awful Zack Snyder flick.

 

There’s Abimelech from just south of Ephraim,

Who figured all the jews should obey him,

So he tried to kill all his brothers,

But the youngest recovered,

And then suggested his subjects should slay him.

 

Then Jephthah who was the son of a whore

Took an oath; to the almighty he swore

That if his campaign didn’t fail

And god let them prevail,

He’d kill the first person that walked out his door.

 

There once was a fella named Samson,

He was strong, he could fight, he was handsome,

He set fire to some crops,

So they called the Ammonites cops,

And on his head they placed a king’s ransom.

 

So they demanded he succumb to the law,

But it turned out their plan had a flaw

Despite all their hopes,

He broke through their ropes.

And killed a thousand men with a animal jaw.

 

Then along came this chick named Delilah,

Who Samson had the urge to defile,

So as long as it took,

There’s good advice in this book:

Don’t your girlfriend be your hair-styler.

Babble

Ah, Judges, the disjointed and chronologically perplexing series of pointless short stories that really make you appreciate the parts of your life you spend not reading them.  So joining me to dig through this morass of spasmodic drivel is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome to the show.

Glad to be here.

And of course, to my left is my right hand man, Heath Enwright.  Heath, thanks for not stepping on my intro here.

Once is enough

Clearly Judges ranks high in terms of overall irrelevance, but let’s dive right in anyway, shall we?

  1. So basically Joshua is dead and god didn’t think to have the divine Rico chart figured out in advance like he did with Moses.  So they kill everyone because damn it, that’s what Old Testament Jews do.

    1. This chapter is all over the place but it has all the staples we’ve come to expect out of the bible.  There’s slavery, xenophobia, incest, betrayal but most of all, genocide.

    2. You know there’s a lot of genocide in a book when by the end they just start listing the tribes that weren’t completely massacred.

  • And just when you thought it was a little cruel to cut off the opposing general’s thumbs and big toes, the guy laughs it off, in confirmation of the Jews’ legendary comedic timing . . .

    • “You guys are gonna laugh too when I explain . . . I actually did this exact same ‘thumbs and big toes’ thing to seventy kings once, and made them eat my table scraps like dogs . . . So well-played Israelites.  I clearly deserve this.  You guys are a stitch.”  

  1. And of course, if you aren’t genociding correctly, you’re gonna piss god off so in chapter two he sends an angel to bitch out the Jews for not murdering thoroughly enough.

  • Yeah, a half-ass genocide’s never a good move.  That’s just normal mass murder.  That’s like swimming ninety percent across a river, seeing a few non-Jews onshore, and turning back without murdering them.    

  1. Chapter 3 contains the weirdest assassination we’ve encountered yet.  Ehud the left-handed, kills Eglon the fat.  He pretends he has a secret message from god, gets the king by himself then kills him with a sword he’d been hiding in his taint.  Then he locks the door so everybody will think the king is taking a massive shit while he makes his escape.

  2. Then there’s the only slightly less odd assassination of Sisera in chapter 4.  Here we meet Deborah, who is judging Israel at the moment.  She defeats an army with 900 chariots of iron.

    1. But during the ensuing battle, Sisera escapes on foot and he finds some chick in a tent and he’s all like “Hide me” and she says “sure, no problem” and then as soon as he falls asleep she drives a fucking tent pole through his head.

  • Right, Jael: Gentile Vampire Slayer.  How do you hammer a post through someone’s temple while they’re sleeping?  Did she tap it in really softly to get it started.  Just isn’t believable … Women hammer nails about as well as they merge in traffic and earn equal pay.   

  1. And then they relive the head-staking in song.

    1. I think Deborah is the first woman we meet in the bible that doesn’t get raped, murdered, sold, turned into a leper or forced to mutilate a penis.

  • Yeah starting with Judges, it looks like the Bible might start getting a little preachy with all the feminism.  I just hope their progressive stance doesn’t take away from the rapey narrative that’s been working nicely so far.  

  • If it aint broke . . .

  1. So god gets bored of fucking with them he appears to Gideon and tells him to kill all the Midianites.

    1. And Gideon is skeptical of course, so he says, “If you’re really god, make this rug wet when I wake up in the morning.”  Seems like an odd test of divinity… “Hey god, bet you can’t piss on this rug!” but apparently god passed.

  2. So Gideon gathers his army to attack the Midianites and god tells him “Any god could kick ass with that big an army.  Send all but 300 of them home, otherwise people will think I’m a pussy.”

    1. So Gideon sends home all the soldiers that don’t lap river water up with their tongue and they kick all the Midianites’ asses with trumpets and irrational fear.

  • And then these weird-ass canine-tongued soldiers lift their legs and pee on the fallen enemies.  A few of them start licking the blood from open wounds, and it’s a little gross, but still somehow cute and endearing.  

  1. Then in chapter 8 Gideon kills the kings and anyone else that fucks with him, then he takes enough wives to have seventy sons and dies.

    1. And something of a pattern is emerging here, because as soon as Gideon dies the Jews go right back to worshipping Baal again.

  • Seems like the only time the Jews STOP worshipping Baal is when some crazy fucking zealot announces the next genocide mission he heard from real god.  So the lesson we’re supposed to learn here is . . . You can spot a false god when they don’t sponsor regular tribal murder sprees.  

  1. Next we get the brief reign of Abimelech the Easily Provoked.  He wakes up one day and says, “Mom, wouldn’t it be awesome if I was king?” and then he kills his dad and all his brothers except the youngest one, takes over the promised land, spends a few years killing anybody who insinuates he has a small dick and gets killed by a chick with a millstone.

    1. And because the only thing worse than death is a vagina, Abimelech is stammering around with his head half crushed trying to find a man who can stab him to death so that people won’t think a woman killed him.

    2. “Will a man please murder me?”

  2. And since fuck originality, the Israelites piss off god again and he lets the Philistines make slaves out of them.

    1. So after a couple decades of slavery the Jews are going, “Okay, sorry about the worshipping Baal, again.  We’re sorry… again.  So you can go ahead and deliver us… again.”  And god’s like “Nope.  Fuck off this time.”

  3. And then you get this very weird story about Jephthah where he has to offer up his daughter because she’s the first person to come out of his house when he gets home.  Which apparently means… she has to spend two months on a mountain, never gets to fuck and has to be burned to death for god when she gets home..

  • He was clearly expecting his wife to come out first.  Or his whore mother.   

  1. Then the men of Ephraim get pissed cause Jephthah killed the Ammonites without them so they tell him they’re gonna burn down his house.  So he kills them and anyone with an Ephraim accent.  And then Jephthah dies because nobody survives through more than three or four chapters in Judges.

  2. And then we meet Samson, who was apparently immaculately conceived a la Jesus.

  • This is a tough sell to your husband . . . “So you know how I’m barren and you’re impotent . . . Well I talked to this angel, and he said if I can handle his angel cock, he’ll give us a kid who’s a main character in the book.”

  1. So Samson grows up, finds a Philistine chick he wants to bone so he tells his parents to go get her, because that’s how it worked back then.

    1. And then Samson gives his friends a riddle, which is bullshit because you needed to know that if you murder a lion bare-handed, you can later eat honey from its rotting, bee-infested carcass.  How is that an acceptable prerequisite for a riddle?!?  That’s what six-year-olds do when they try to tell their own shitty riddle.  

    2. Yeah, and then he gives his wife to his best man because he doesn’t like her.  Or his best man apparently.

  2. Then he changes his mind,decides he want to bone his wife after all, but when he goes back to get her, her dad says, “too late, dude, she’s shacked up with the best man.”

    1. So in a rage he ties torches to a bunch of foxes, lights them on fire and sends them running through their fields.

    2. So they demand Samson, and the jews tie oblige.  And then Samson goes all Samson on them, melts the ropes with his anger and then kills a thousand men with the jawbone of a donkey.  And don’t forget… this book is infallible.

  • So Samson took his bone from the mouth of the ass?  

  • You never go ass to mouth.

  • Just sounds unkosher.

  1. In chapter 16 we meet the foul temptress we knew was coming.  Samson falls for Delilah and she likes it kinky because basically the first words out of her mouth is “how can you be tied up?”  And I guess he likes it kinky too, because he keeps telling her new bullshit ways to tie him up.

    1. And he’s a bright one, too, right?  She says, “How can you be captured by your enemy?” and this isn’t a red flag to him.  After the fifth time he says some weird random “here’s how to capture me” lie then wakes up to find her trying it, he eventually tells her the truth, which is apparently that Barbasol is his kryptonite.

    2. So then the Philistines promptly shave him, capture him, gouge out his eyes and make him dance like a monkey.  But he dances like a monkey so long that his hair grows back so he brings down the temple.  And if he can kill a thousand people with an ass-bone, you can imagine how much ass he can kick with a whole temple.

  • Yeah he prays to god for the strength to kill himself and a thousand other people in a building collapse.  Turns out the first suicide bomber was Jewish.  Who knew?  It wasn’t the Buddhists like you were thinking, you racist.      

  • So when Muslim terrorists pull this shit now, it’s so hackneyed.  Samson did it!!!  

  1. 17 and 18 suck.  Micah, Danites, Shrine, Murder, whatever…

  2. And then shit gets real.  We meet some unnamed coward from the hill country.  He’s travelling from Bethlehem with his concubine, some old dude invites him to crash at his place.  So far, so good, until all the townfolk show up at the old man’s door demanding that he send his guests out so they can ass-rape him.

  • To be fair, in King James, they didn’t specify ass-rape.  For all we know, they just wanted to work with the ear, nose, and throat.  

  1. But we already know what to do in this situation.  Just offer the crowd your concubine… and maybe your virgin daughter.  So they shove the women out of the house so the crowd can rape them to death.

  • Right, nothing calms down a mob of gay rapists like some vagina?  Maybe they figured she’s a virgin, so it’s pretty tight . . . That’s almost like two assholes on one person.  More bang for your shekel … and your schmekel.  

  1. So in the morning this asshole wakes up, opens the door and there’s his concubine lying dead from being gang raped and he says, “get up! We’re leaving.”

  2. And when he finally realizes she’s dead, he brings her home, chops her into pieces and mails the pieces to different people with a note saying, “Israel really sucks these days.  It’s gotten to where you can’t offer your concubine to a bunch of salivating rapists without her getting fucked to death.”

  3. And it’s gotten to the point where you get disembodied abused-corpse pieces with your mail, too.

  • Can a man not block a rape with his whore-shield in this town anymore?!?  And speaking of which, can a guy get a decent whore-shield in this town anymore?!?  Maybe one that doesn’t DIE on her FIRST biblical rape mob.  It’s like having your starting QB take an injury in week 1.  

  • I thought this was the promised land!  Are we not in the promised land?!?  Do I really need to dismember my dead sex slave, to teach Israelites how to rally around a good cause again?!?

  1. So in hopes of putting an end to all the violence, the Israelites gather an army and attack Gibeah.  It takes a few tries, but eventually they kill the whole army, murder all the women and children, slaughter all the livestock and burn the city to the ground.  So that nobody else would get hurt.

  • “There’s lots of crazy tribes going around killing entire towns.  We’d be crazy not to start murdering some towns full of these tribes.  Hey Gibeah’s a town.”  

  1. And then you get the most high-stakes game of not-it ever.  The Jews say “We can’t marry our daughters of to these Benjamite scum, so let’s kill all the non-virgins in Jabesh-Gilead.  That should be enough virgins for all these Benjamites.”

    1. But it’s not, so then they decide to just kidnap a bunch of dancers to round things off.

  • I feel bad withholding all the Jew pussy from the Benjamites.  We should at least throw them a virgins and sluts party.  Half prude, half crude, lots of oil.  A righty tighty lefty loosy party.  Admittedly stretching the orifice jokes now.  

  • We forgive you.

  • But can I cram one more in there last minute?    

I don’t think we have room.  That’s gonna have to wrap up the Holy Babble this week.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks for not bailing on this insanely boring project yet.

Our next book is Ruth which is short for a pamphlet so we get a bit of a reprieve.  We’ll be breaking that one down in Episode 34 so until then fuck this stupid book.

Outro

Before we seal the envelope tonight I need to make a quick correction to next week’s episode.  I’m going to misidentify Charles S. Durnam as Charles S. Dunnum, and I just wanted to apologize in advance for that.

I wanted to remind everybody that I took part in a two part panel discussion with Jake Farr-Wharton over at the Imaginary Friends Show along with Martin S Pribble and Twitter’s very own Gamma Atheist.  Both episodes are available over at Imaginary Friends Show (dot) com, we had a blast recording and I’d highly recommend them.  You also find a link on this week’s shownotes.

I also have a few quick thanks to toss out.  Thanks of course to the lovely and talented Lucinda Lugeons for joining us this week.  Thanks to the talented but decidedly less lovely Heath Enwright for kicking ass, taking names and then kicking those names’ asses.

I also need to thank Phil from The Week in Doubt podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s a very intelligent guy and it really comes across in his podcast.  It’s well researched, well presented and if you want to check it out, you’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

http://palbertelli.podbean.com/

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most structurally sound arrangements of organic molecules; Henk, Bruce, Josh, Ryan, Else and Magnus the Great Dane, who is either a dog or an exemplary person from Denmark, but either way, makes my short list of people I’d most like to have at my side when fending off the impending alien apocalypse.

These superior examples of humanity and/or caninity have proved their worth to the species, the planet and the galaxy this week by giving us money.  Secure in the knowledge that giving us money is the universal currency of decency, Henk, Bruce, Josh, Ryan, Else and Magnus the Great Dane can maintain their claim to moral supremacy even if they should later take to a life of drugs, crime and aardvark prostitution, which they won’t.

If you think you have the superior wit, wisdom and worth required to give us money, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help, but you wasted all your money on food and diapers, you can still help us a ton by leaving us a 5 star review on iTunes, following us on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube and adding us to your favorites on Stitcher.  Or maybe naming an asteroid in our honor.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 28: Partial Transcript

August 29, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some elements deleted from the final episode due to time constraints)

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of designer chainmail armor for children, Josh Kosh B’Gosh.  So when there’s an army of genocidal jews circling silently at the city gates, make sure your children are dressed in the coolest new sword-proof, fire-proof, hailstone-proof, machine washable armor.

Josh Kosh B’Gosh, because god hates you and you’re going to die.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro

It’s Thursday, it’s August 29th, and atheists do it with larger, evolutionarily superior genitalia.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons, and from well-hung New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • The Pope raises eyebrows with his “Don’t tell, don’t tell” policy on sex abuse,

  • A high school in Indonesia will consider a new virgin-fingering policy,

  • And Lucinda will join us to talk divine land reapportionment,

But first, the Diatribe

Diatribe

If you ever want to feel really old, take somebody who’s diaper you once changed and watch them change their kid’s diaper.

My wife had the opportunity to do just that last week when she flew down to Georgia to meet her niece’s brand new baby girl.  She doesn’t get to see her family often so our six year old nephew spent most of the week clinging to her leg in one manner or another.

So one night she’s hanging out with him and he’s looking for excuses to not go to bed.  He’s got a bunch of planets on his walls so he starts asking her “which planet is that?”, “which one is that?”  Before long she’s got her laptop fired up and she’s showing him Cassini pictures and Voyager images and closeups of coronal mass ejections and he’s eating it up.  She shows him the Hubble Deep Field image and his eyes just linger in unchecked amazement when she tells him that every point of light he sees is another galaxy with billions or even trillions of stars.

It takes him a second to even think how to respond.  And when he does, the question he chooses is heartbreaking.

“How many miles is it to heaven?”

If I had been there I might have accidentally ruined the next six Thanksgivings by saying something like “Heaven is from religion.  These pictures are from reality.”  But Lucinda is a bit more diplomatic than me so she answered it as well as it could be answered:

“We’ve seen billions of light years away from earth but we haven’t seen heaven.”

That’s a pretty good answer, I guess, if the goal is not alienating your family.  But it’s still a sad damn shame that she had to settle for that.  And it’s a damn shame that at the age of six this kid’s natural curiosity is already being stifled by a ridiculously antiquated view of the universe.  Even at six he’s encountering things that can’t be made to fit into the biblical worldview.  He has to work harder to get to the right answer because he has to weave his way through bullshit to get there.

But the world is already pretty damn hard to wrap your head around at six.  It’s a lot harder when you’ve got to reconcile the Adam and Eve myth with the existence of dinosaurs… and recessive genes; when you’ve got to develop a grand unified theory of history that’s two parts history and one part Jewish revenge porn; when you have to stop in the middle of an astronomy lesson to figure out where heaven is.

Think back to your own childhood and you can probably come up with a memory where you were trying to pound the square peg of religion into the round hole of reality.  Christians love to defend their little fairy tales by telling us they’re allegories.  But when they pull that shit, ask them if they make that clear to their children.  If they don’t start out the story by saying “Here’s a fairy tale about Jesus” when they’re telling it to their kids then it’s only an allegory when you get too smart to believe it’s true.  And that doesn’t fucking count.

The saddest thing is that this kid’s mother isn’t even particularly religious; she doesn’t go to church, I’ve never seen her pray and she’s certainly read less of the bible in her lifetime than I’ve read this week, but still she’s religious enough to hamstring her son’s education.  It’s not deliberate, of course; she just believes that religion is good for her kid because people with every reason to lie say so.

Don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of more reprehensible forms of child abuse that take place in the name of religion.  Even if you set aside the sexual and physical abuse that religion is used to justify you still have the wide spectrum of psychological abuses from tormenting kids with images of hell to confusing the shit out of them with prehistoric notions of sexual morality.  But there’s something about taking a steaming shit on a child’s curiosity that really pisses me off.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow tenable stance junky Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to discuss several more ways religion was stupid and indefensible in the news this week?

When you live and die for a math textbook that says two plus two is five, you manage to get all sorts of other wrong answers too.  Sometimes your Big Brother is dumb, and shitty at math.   

Yeah, all that 1 equals 3 shit was a dead give away.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has finally taken a decisive move to ensure a radical decrease in allegations of sex crimes against the clergy: they made reporting those crimes illegal.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just give all the priests vasectomies? . . .

Cut off the DNA evidence problem at the source.  

Or just ban the word “No” in the Vatican so there’s never technically a consent issue . . .

Or like I’ve said before, Catholics could just stop having children . . .  

But to be fair, those altar boys are asking for it, the way they wear those robes.  

…all clingy and shit.  So there were already plenty of rumors swirling when word came down that Pope Frankie Valli was “bringing the Vatican legal system up to date” by criminalizing leaks of official information at the same time that he was formalizing the laws about sex crimes.  Turns out one law ensures that allegations of sex crimes are confidential and the other makes it illegal to disperse confidential information.

There’s no such thing as a private allegation.  That doesn’t exists.  That’s just a person thinking to themself, “I’m kinda mad about getting raped.”

Vatican foreign minister Monsignor Dominique Mamberti actually had the audacity to pretend that they were all really disheartened when they learned that they accidentally made it illegal to report sex abuse.  He said, and before reading the quote I think I should emphasize that this is actually a real quote (quote) “It’s quite a papal pickle that His Holiness has placed upon our heads.”

It’s time for “Tip of the Mitre, Wag of the Pickle.”

Wasn’t it placing pickles in people’s heads that started this whole problem?

Head scratching behavior, probably because of all the crabs.  

Look, if I wanted somebody to find that sausage, I wouldn’t have hidden it in the first place!

When in Rome . . . don’t be surprised to get an unsolicited Roman helmet.  

And for those listeners who aren’t familiar with this terminology, when I say Roman Helmet, I’m suggesting the Pope would straddle you backwards and rest his balls over your eyes, and the shaft over your nose, thus resembling a Roman helmet.  

They’re actually acting like this was an accident.  First of all, the pope’s infallible so you’re fucked right there.  But secondly what kind of bullshit 4-year-old-with-a-cookie defense is that?  “Whoops!  Did we just insulated ourselves against prosecution and international embarrassment? Shucks, I suppose we could undo it with the wave of a crosier, but we’re not.  Our bad.”

Pope criminalizes the reporting of sex crimes: http://www.newslo.com/pope-criminalizes-the-reporting-of-sex-crimes/

And from the “Unconsciously regulate your endocrine levels if you saw that coming” file tonight, a recent measles outbreak in Texas has been traced back to an anti-vaccination mega-church.

Pastor, faith-healer and sentient excrement Kenneth Copeland of the Eagle Mountain International Church in North Texas is a vocal proponent of the thoroughly debunked, discredited, disproven, disparaged and disgraced notion that the MMR vaccine causes autism, a theory so indefensible it might as well be biblical.

First of all, there’s absolutely nothing INTERNATIONAL about North Texas.  Absurd title for the church, or anything else in that region.    

So the church finally decided to base an opinion on a scientific study, and the doctor whose study they went with was Andrew FUCKING Wakefield?!?  Dr. Dre and Dr. Mario have more respect in the medical community.

When the inevitable outbreak of fully preventable childhood disease struck, the church sent out a rapid fire series of excuses ranging from “The CDC is secretly infecting people with measles to discredit us” to “measles aren’t that bad, now are they?”

“What had happened is . . . We sent out a pamphlet with the measles-preventing prayer, but there was a typo on one of the important magic words, so everyone was saying it wrong.  Plus there was a shortage of unicorn hair this year, so lot’s of people never even got their wands.”  

And as much as I’d love to say that anybody who gets measles after taking medical advice from a used-snakeoil salesman deserved it, the problem with the anti-vax crowd is that the victims are the communities that surround these idiots, not to mention their own children.

Someone needs to sneak into these people’s bedrooms and inject HIV into their stupid, deserving mouths.  

I hear you can pray that out just like measles.

Measles outbreak at anti-vaccination church: http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2013/08/theres_a_measles_outbreak_at_v.php

And in “Criminal Possession of Reason” news tonight, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that California atheist Barry Hazle Jr. is owed some compensatory damages after being sent to jail for not believing in god.  And yes, that’s pretty much exactly what happened.

Dude’s name has too many syllables to become an atheist protest mantra.  

“FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!  FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!” … Doesn’t work.   

No it doesn’t.  So this unchantable assailant served a brief jail term for a minor drug offense and, upon release he’s ordered to participate in an addiction recovery program.  Of course, it’s one of those 12 step “put your faith in a higher power” programs.  Hazle, to his credit, actually attended the programs, but he requested a secular alternative.  The court told him to fuck off.

Yeah, god forbid you sober up through empirically tested means.  No, seriously, god forbids that.

Can’t kick the habit without bad metaphysics.

And judging from the estimates of AA’s success rate, you can’t kick the habit with ‘em either.  So anyway, after staff at the 12 step program reported that he was being disruptive in (quote) “a congenial way”, he was taken out of the program and sentenced to a further 100 days in jail.  In addition he was denied access to Go and the customary two hundred dollars.

Being disruptive in “a congenial way” ? . . . He was probably telling really good jokes, and even the staff started laughing when they shouldn’t.  Listen, if you send an atheist stoner to an NA meeting, he’s gonna make sarcastic comments.  It’s impossible not to.  Rehab for minor drug offenses … and God, are ridiculous notions.  If we don’t mock you there, we could actually burst into flame.  

Anything’s possible.  So of course he sued the state and of course he won, but he was awarded zero dollars in damages by a jury of his peers because apparently his peers are a bunch of Christian, blowhard assholes.  The judge threw out the non-award and set about empaneling a new jury with fewer weasle turds on it.

That’s how the awards process works?  Isn’t that … stupid?  Why not award him NEGATIVE TEN THOUSAND dollars?

Atheist parolee sent back to prison for complaining about the religiosity of Narc Anon: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/23/appeals-court-calif-atheist-parolee-entitled-to-compensation-for-constitutional/

And from the “They Meant Freedom of My Religion” file, some Christians in Kansas are going apeshit over a religious display in a school.  But not because it’s a religious display in a school.  That’s okay.  The problem here is that they used the wrong religion.

The display in question was a banner with five images of pillars that read “The Five Pillars of Islam” and that sounds pretty damning when you don’t know the details.

And Christians are all about not knowing the details.  But out of context, you’ve gotta admit, vertical pillar-like shapes are pretty offensive.  Those five pillars could be used to perform two and half crucifictions.  Kids are supposed to just ignore that fact?!?

The story began when somebody snapped a picture of the banner and posted it on Facebook with the caption “this is a school that has banned all forms of Christian prayer.  This cannot stand”.  And with the penchant for fact checking that we’ve come to expect from angry, meme-spreading Christians, this shit went as viral as Miley’s vagina.

She had to eventually get herpes.  Anyone sired by a grown man with 2 first names and a rat tail….  

I can’t imagine how herpes could survive in that thing.

Quick 2 point reality check: Number one, this school, along with all other schools in the fucking country, doesn’t “ban all forms of Christian prayer”, they just ban the ones where kids are forced to go along.  And number two, acknowledging that religion exists in a school isn’t against the law.  It’s the part where you start pushing it on kids as though it was true that we have laws against.

You might have lost their attention between the word reality and the word check.  These are people who are offended by visual reminders of “things that exist”.

Christians go apeshit over Islam display in a local school: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/wp/2013/08/22/kansas-school-surrenders-to-ignorance-removes-islam-display/

And finally tonight in “I guess you can’t just Saran Wrap your vagina, can you?” news, a school in Sumatra has proposed a virginity test for all their female students.

What a great job . . . virginity tester . . .

“Did she pass?”  “Nope.”  “Wait anal? . . . Hold on . . . Another minute . . . Also no.”

“What about her?”  “Nope.  Next!”

They pretty much never pass – I’m a tough grader.   

Education chief Muhammad Rasyid proposed the idea that he describes as (quote) “an accurate way to protect children from prostitution and free sex.”

Wait… prostitution and free sex?  If there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s paid sex.  And if there’s another thing we don’t want, it’s unpaid sex?  

Can’t prove your virginity without taking a cock . . . Can’t take a cock without losing your virginity.  Seems like a regular “Snatch 22”.  

So setting aside for a second the fact that there’s no actual way to test a woman for virginity, how fucked up does your brain have to be to think that the best way to protect women from prostitution is denying an education the sexually active teenage ones?

Indonesian school proposes virginity test: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/aug/21/virginity-tests-female-students-indonesia

Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll recount a biblical massacre or thirty one.

Joshua, in Rhyme

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, that genocidal idol,

The baddest motherfucker that we’ve met yet in the bible.

He’s like a biblical Batman, if Batman killed babies.

Imagine if you gave Wolverine adamantium rabies.

 

This badass says “chop off your foreskin” and people actually do.

He’s like a Jedi in that his story isn’t factually true,

Like Superman he’s invincible and he wins every battle;

But unlike the man of steel, he kills the women and cattle.

 

He’s like the Hulk but with Thor’s hammer and a magical ark.

The sun needs his permission before it’s allowed to get dark;

Like a bronze age Jackie-Chan, he even kicks ass with dumb shit,

Like his notorious chorus of nuclear trumpets.

 

He’s the Bible’s Bruce Lee but with triple the skill;

He never met an innocent bystander that he didn’t kill.

With a swipe of his sword he could knock the wings off a gnat;

He could take out all four ninja turtles and that mutated rat.

 

As you learn about this guys, it’s not hard to conclude;

That Chuck Norris impregnated the Dos Equis dude.

He’s admirable and loveable and strong and heroic,

As long as you haven’t updated your morals since the paleozoic.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, Moses finally died,

So you could have the position that so long you had eyed.

You served bravely as Vice Jew but the time’s come alas,

After too many decades of kissing god’s ass,

 

To take the baton and lead this army of Jews,

After all, there are Canaanites in need of abuse.

You served god well by scouting and then not being honest;

So you’ll lead the Hebrews to the land that god promised.

 

Your ambitions are grand, your intentions extortionate;

So with your god-given powers of land reapportionment;

You’ll be crossing a river but you won’t need a float;

When God’s done with that shit, you’d have to carry your boat.

 

Where to go? Jericho.  I hear they’ve got hookers.

You promised not to kill Rahab and she’s quite a looker.

You might as well since you’re killing all the gentile chicks,

And there’s no way those Jewish princesses are sucking your dick.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, how your legend ascends,

The way you massacre, exterminate and ethnically cleanse,

You’re the bravest, the strongest and usually the smartest,

Except when dealing with Gibeons… those fucking con-artists.

 

Hanging kings, burning villages, your army sets forth,

From Achan to Ai then continuing north.

Killing children to show what a shit you don’t give;

But showing occasional mercy by letting animals live.

 

With the slightest of setbacks, your conquest succeeds,

Ensuring that millions will boast of your deeds.

You’re a legend, a lion, a genuine stud;

They took your milk and your honey and you took their blood.

Babble

Ah, Joshua, the redundant geography lesson of the Old Testament.  Half exaltation of genocide, half property auction listing, this book has all the intrigue of GPS directions, all the civility of YouTube comments and all the morality of a Nuremberg indictment.

So to help me sort through the fallen bodies, I’m joined by my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

And of course, not having actually gone anywhere since we recorded the headlines segment is Heath.  Heath, thanks for not having left while you had the chance.

So basically the book of Joshua describes the glorious war crimes that Joshua committed in order to fulfill god’s belated promises of land.

Yeah because it’s not like god could just divinely create more land for the Jews that wasn’t full of people they’d need to kill.  What, did he run out of milk and honey or something?

Look, I already made you guys a promised land.  It’s right there.  Milk, honey, vineyards, the whole nine… you just need to fumigate.

And fumigate they do.  So let’s just dive in, shall we?

  1. Upon Moses’ death, God passes the torch to Joshua, which is kind of like Lord Vader putting you in command of the fleet.

    1. God says “You are invincible.  Nobody can defeat you.  But don’t forget to be brave”… how brave can an invincible person really be?

  • Good headline here: “Son of Nun Supports the Habit”

  1. In chapter 2 Joshua sends a couple of spies across the Jordan.  They were just about to start scouting the land when they decided to fuck some whores instead.

  • Joshua says to his spies, “Go check out Jericho.”

“Dude that’s perfect, that whorehouse is right on the way … In N Out Fur Burger.  We’re clearly stopping.  Jericho should be a pushover.”

Then the King of Jericho finds out Joshua sent spies … “Get that slut Rahab on the phone and tell her to be on the lookout for penises that are horribly mangled by primitive foreskin removal.”

Little did the king know, the crafty tribe had conveniently forgot about that rule for a few decades.  More on that later.

  • Apparently everyone in Jericho keeps up with TV news, or saw “The Ten Commandments”, and they thought the Red Sea thing was badass, so they’re scared of the Jews and their apparent ties to a god with cool powers.

  1. In chapter 3 Joshua feels like he has to prove himself to be truly Mosaic so he parts the Jordan.  Couldn’t come up with his own magic trick or anything.  Just totally ripped off Moses.

  • And it’s a dick move when it’s a river.  When you part a river for that long, while an entire tribe and their army carries their shit across, you kill a town upstream by flooding them.

  • Oregon trail would have been easier if you could be a Jewish prophet, in addition to Boston banker, Ohio carpenter, or Illinois farmer.  Never have to risk caulking the wagon or trying to ford the river.

  1. We learn about the 12 magic Joshua stones… and is it me or does this thing occasionally read like a tourist guide?  All this “And they are there to this day” crap… it’s almost like the people writing this didn’t realize somebody would still be reading it 3000 years later.

    1. And wouldn’t that be the easiest way to fuck up the whole “biblical inerrancy” thing?  I mean, somebody plunks one of those rocks back into the river and the bible is suddenly full of shit.

  • And now stupid people have another reason to selectively misinterpret mystical powers related to the number 12.

  1. So the entire army crosses the Jordan into hostile territory and ten seconds after god fills the river back in he says, “Oh you know what… why don’t you guys do some cosmetic penis surgery before going to war?”

    1. And this has the feeling of a later addition.  Like somebody was reading through Joshua version 1 and said, “Yeah but when did these guys chop their foreskins off?  We better add that.  Don’t wanna glaze over the important stuff.”

  • “I’m getting a lot of pleasure sensations from my upper penis area. Does anyone have a flint knife?”

  • And then of course this chapter of the saga can’t end until god sends a messenger to tell Josh to take off his filthy fucking birkenstocks when he enters a promised land.

  1. Then they do the divine conga line think with the trumpets.  For a week there’s a ring of Jews walking silently around town and all the people behind the walls are thinking, “This is the worst parade ever, but they seem friendly, at least.”  And then the trumpet blows, the walls come crashing down and they kill everybody but the whore and her family.

    1. And man do they.  Chapter 6, verse 21: Then they devoted to destruction by the edge of their sword all in the city; both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep and donkeys. Even the talking ones.

  2. So on to chapter 7 which reeks of revisionism.  After god says “go kick ass, you are invincible”, they lose the second fight they get into.  So Joshua is all “Hey bro, what happened to the invincible before my enemies thing?” And god’s all “Uh-uh-uh, somebody took some silver and hid it from me so all bets are off.”

    1. So they go and find the dude who did it.  He confesses.  So they mercifully set him and his family on fire and stone their burning bodies to death.  And that kind of shit makes god really happy.

  • “I said you could rape, but only the Levites can pillage and plunder.  I specifically said raping only.  But the free non-consensual pussy wasn’t good enough, was it?!?  You’re in GOD’s fucking army! Act accordingly! There a line! And it’s somewhere between rape and stealing silver.”  Rape’s on the RIGHT side!!!!  Stealing the silver was the problem!!!

  1. Then they go back to the town that had just kicked their asses because god was on their side again.  But interesting that they also sent 10 times as many men this time and worked out an elaborate ambush.

    1. And kill all the men, women and children.  But you can tell god is in a way better mood, because this time he lets the livestock live.

  2. The residents of Gibeon heard about the approaching wave of genocide so they tricked Joshua into sparing them and just making them slaves by pretending to be from a far off country.

    1. Yeah, they were damn tricky.  They’re showing them moldy bread and saying “look, this was a fresh loaf when we left!  How could we possibly have moldy bread if we weren’t foreigners?”

    2. I love that Joshua asks them “Why did you trick me?”  You were going to kill them, you asshole.  Why the fuck wouldn’t they trick you?

  • It’s the “Two For Flinching, Rodney King” conundrum.  When you swing a night stick, and then yell “STOP RESISTING ARREST!” when they hold up their hand to block it . . .

  1. Chapter 10 probably contains the most ass-kicking of any chapter in the bible.  This is where Joshua pretty much wipes out the whole country.  Hell, god starts hurling stones at the opposing armies at one point and when they try to flee Joshua orders god to not let the sun set so they can pursue them better.

    1. I love the way they keep bragging about how thorough the genocide was.  It’s like bragging to your friend’s wife about how hot his mistress is.

  • These guys wipe out innocent civilians better than a double-tap drone strike.  “Collateral Damage” is Joshua’s middle name … Joshua “Collateral Damage” . . . Jew … Nunson!!!

  1. Then Joshua’s army kills more people.  Then they go back to the army-less towns, kill all the women and children, steal all the valuables and, on occasion, burn the city to the ground.

  2. Chapter 12 is basically a scorecard that compares Moses and Joshua when it comes to the murdering of monarchs.  As it turns out, Joshua won by a long shot.

  • For the record, if you present the information from a table with two columns, and the entry is the same for an entire column . . . you don’t need a fucking table!!!  And if you write it all out – which makes even less sense – you don’t have to repeat the number “one” over and over.

  1. And then this book abruptly stops being remotely interesting.  Just when think you’re settling into a book full of merciless bloodshed we make a hard right into the minutes of a bronze age community re-zoning board.

  • “Ok we murdered all the people.  I believe you PROMISED us some LAND.  It’s not like we weren’t CHOSEN over here.”

  1. For four chapters we get poorly formed GPS directions and a few stories of slightly less thorough slaughters.

    1. Plus some incest.

  2. As you’re reading this shit you can’t help but wonder how this book ever led to a land dispute.

  3. They set up the cities of refuge, which are these lovely little towns full of unavenged murderers.

  • If stupid shit in your holy book leads to a whole bunch of accidental murders, so much so that entire manslaughter cities were necessary . . . you might want to scrap the draft.

  1. On the way home from the war, the Reubenites and the Gadites build a statue to commemorate their part in the genocidal mission from god, and that’s like talking about Fight Club.  Smite Club.  So all the Israelites decide it’s a reasonable time to go to war with them over it.

    1. Luckily they all sit down and talk and agree that they all still believe in the same magical sky man or all hell might have broken loose.

  2. And then Josh is all old and crotchety and he gathers everybody together to send a very clear message: Just cause god’s been giving you a lot of cool stuff doesn’t mean he won’t still fuck your shit up.

  3. And then Joshua reminds them one more time not to piss god off and he dies.  And they bury him.  And apparently they’d been carrying Joseph’s bones around this whole time and they bury those, too.

    1. And the very last verse in the whole thing is about Eleazer dying.  This is some super-minor, forgotten character and the whole things ends with “and Eleazer, son of Aaron?  He’s dead too.”

Now I have to admit that this book gave us some much needed closure.  It managed to tie the whole first six books together and make you feel like you’d just been reading one long story for a minute, so I was actually impressed by it from a literary perspective.

Not so much from a moral perspective.

No, it was probably the least moral thing we’ve come across yet and that’s saying something after Leviticus and Numbers.

And Genesis, Exodus and Deuteronomy.

True.  Well, we’ll be in biblical detox for a couple weeks but we’ll be tackling Judges in about three weeks so you have plenty of time to get caught up if you hate yourself.

Lucinda, Heath, thanks for joining me…

Outro

Before we count down the registers tonight, I wanted to give a quick shout out to all the participants in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists.  It’s a league that Carl from Post Rapture Looting and I cooked up made up entirely of secular podcasters and bloggers.

So to Carl, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible, Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Mark from Be Secular (dot) org, Bill and his son Sean from Bar Room Atheists, Evan from The Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe, Jessye from wherever the heck Carl found her and of course, Heath from 84 seconds ago, I want to say good luck on the week’s when you’re not playing me and may you be humble in your inevitable defeat.

If you have even a passing interest in which podcaster and/or blogger reigns supreme, I’ll be keeping everybody posted on the blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And if you have no interest in that whatsoever, I’ll also be putting other stuff on the blog as well.

I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her wit, her insight and her angelic voice tonight, I need to thank Heath as always, but even more than usual this time for staying up til the crack of dawn after his birthday party to work on the headlines segment.  I also need to thank Michael Dunlap from mikedunlapphotography.com for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  You’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all tonight we need to extend our deepest gratitude to this week’s most irreplaceable corporeal forms; Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden.  Pekka, Sherrill and Thomas, whose lightning quick fists seem sluggish compared to their wit; Steve, David and other Steve whose boundless generosity seems slight compared to their intellects; and Matt and Alden, whose humility is in constant conflict with their behemoth genitals.

These eight brave and valiant exemplars of godlessness have cemented their legends this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the cunning, gallantry and expendable income required to give us money, but if you think you’re worthy to stand beside such virtuous individuals as Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but donating money is against your irreligion, you can also help us out by giving us a sterling review on iTunes or whatever you use.  You can also inflate our sense of self-worth by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter and subscribing to our YouTube channel and our aforementioned blog.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight but if you want more, there’s more.  Steve at the “A Matter of Doubt” podcast invited me on for a chat the other day.  No definitive word on when that episode will be up, but as soon as I know I’ll be sharing it on all those social media sites you were planning on liking, following and subscribing to us on.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.