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Episode 76 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the final episode due to time constraints.

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Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Brain-O, the new home-chemical lobotomy system for Christians who are too smart for their own good?

Did some damn atheist point out one of the numerous logical contradictions in your doctrine?  Did you suddenly realize that many of the traditional attributes of god are mutually exclusive?  Did you make the mistake of actually reading the bible and now you can’t get the horror of it all out of your head?  Well then try clearing your neuronal pathways with Brain-O.

Brain-O: Just like logical refutations of faith, it goes in one ear and out the other.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s July 31st,

And FOX channel’s famous doctor is named after a wizard imposter.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from a city so fast-paced it has it’s own minute, New York, New York,

And one so slow-paced it has it’s own century, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Two more brisses go viral on the Jew tubes,
  • The FFRF will use its one initial advantage to defeat the IRS,
  • And Michele Bachman and Sarah Palin are never in the same room, are they? …

But first, the Diatribe…

 

Diatribe

I’m still kind of pissed at the world for not giving me super powers.  Can’t fly… can’t summon fireballs, no telepathy, no invisibility.  I mean, what the hell?  I’d mostly use them for the forces of good.  I’d fight crime… like especially parking violations and failure to yield.  But no.  No super powers.

Reality sucks.  I want magic.

But not enough to pretend it exists when I know it doesn’t.  And that’s the real difference between us and them, isn’t it?  We all want eternal life in paradise and the ability to summon magical forces to come to our aid in times of distress.  None of us actually have that shit, but we all want it.  And some of us want it so bad that we’re willing to do anything to protect the illusion that it’s really there.

I’ve seen this up close and personal.  When I was a younger man I was into all the spiritual witchcrafty tarot card nonsense and it amazed me how far people were willing to go to pretend they’d just witnessed something magical.  I went to these gatherings, right?  Couple dozen Wiccans all joining together in a rite to summon some thing or something.  And invariably nothing would happen.  And just as invariably, everybody would spend the rest of the night talking about what happened.

Now, we all knew nothing happened.  We all just witnessed nothing happening.  But for some reason, we would say stuff like, “I could really feel its presence,” or “I don’t know about you guys, but I really saw those pentagrams vividly.”  Now, you can tell by the way it’s phrased that the dude saying it didn’t see shit.  Right?  Because if you actually saw something, you’d just say, “Remember when those magical pentagrams materialized in the air?  That was pretty sweet.”  You wouldn’t preempt it by saying, “I understand entirely if I was the only one who witnessed the thing that happened, since, you know, when everyone is looking at something sometimes only one person sees the thing, right?  That makes sense, right?  But I saw the thing that I’m not surprised if you didn’t see.”

Same thing with Tarot readings.  I would make some vague predictions and some high-probability guesses.  I would utter a few deepities and say stuff that everybody wants to believe about themselves and the whole time I knew I was just making shit up, and I figured it was pretty damn transparent.  But people were always willing to bend over backwards to pretend they’d just witnessed something divine; something unexplainable; something that offers some vestige of hope that they themselves can still one day have super powers.

If you waste a piece of your life reading any of the neopagan books on magic and spiritualism, you’ll see the cognitive gymnastics right away.  They’ll start by redefining magic down to the point where scratching your taint is an act of wizardry and then they’ll teach you how to scratch your taint.  It’s amazing the kind of metrics these books offer.  For some strange reason, every possible way to measure the success of your “magick” (and I spelled that with a K so it’s less bullshity now) are internal.  They’re all things that you can’t measure objectively.  “You’ll feel calmer,” or “You may feel a strange presence or the feeling that you’re being watched.”  And it gets worse.  “You’ll have greater luck,” or “You’ll avoid a calamity the next day,” or, and I swear this is real, “The world will be more peaceful.”

But just in case even these fluffy excuses for measurement are too specific, they also like to spend a lot of time pre-excusing your failures.  You might have done it in the wrong phase of the moon.  Perhaps there were some negative spiritual energies you hadn’t exorcised properly.  Perhaps your personal chi flow was interrupted or your chakras were misaligned.  So your unmeasurable success is also dependent on unmeasurable variables.  That’s convenient.

Funny how this shit doesn’t happen with science.  Funny how you never bring your phone in and the dude asks if your chakras were aligned last time you used it.  The thing with the baking soda and the vinegar works in any lunar phase, negative spiritual entities be damned.  Because science is real.  And it’s actually happening.

Now, at the beginning of this whole thing, I lamented that I couldn’t fly or summon fireballs or communicate telepathically or turn invisible, but in truth science has already knocked out the first two, smart phones have alleviated the need for the third, and believe me, they’re working on that last one.  And when you get in an airplane or turn on your cellphone, you don’t have to “truly believe” that it’ll work.  You don’t have to utter a quick banishment or cast a circle of salt around it.  Because it’s real and it really works.

And you don’t have to be brilliant to see that the things that are real are fundamentally different than the things that aren’t.  I think we all more or less recognize the difference between magic and reality, it’s just that some of us don’t seem to care.  Some of us think it’s perfectly okay to believe things that are absurdly wrong if we feel like it’s a good thing to believe.  That’s the axiomatic difference between atheists and believers.  Between rationalists and spiritualists.

I recently had a believer sum it up like this.  She said, “If I thought I had a fatal disease and it prompted me to set things right in my life and cross a bunch of stuff off my bucket list, and then it turns out that I didn’t have that disease, ultimately I would have benefited from believing something was wrong.”

Seems like a strange example to use, in my mind.  I mean, sure, you forgive and kiss your mom and go to Paris and go skydiving; that’s exactly what would happen in a novel with two white people almost kissing each other on the cover, but I’m not sure it would really play out like that.  I mean, all the joys of mistakenly thinking you’re going to die may have been exaggerated.

But even if she’d chosen a better example, it wouldn’t change the fact that you’re always better off in the long run knowing the truth.  Sure, it might be comforting for a while not to know your dog’s dead, but eventually you’re gonna start thinking about what a couple of dicks your parents are for sending your favorite dog to live on some farm without asking you first.  And what the hell, can’t we at least go visit him?  We go upstate sometimes.

But some people would rather lie to each other, lie to their children, and lie to themselves to protect this useless illusion that somehow we can bypass all the aerodynamics and stuff and just go all Superman.  And they don’t seem to recognize that if everyone actually believed that we’d never have bothered to build an airplane.  In other words, if you pretend your problems are solved, you’ve got no motivation to solve them.

And quite frankly, none of us should have to defend the proposition that believing true stuff matters.

 

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is your sherpa up mount improbable, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to sherp?

Sure.  All the upscale podcasts have personal sherping.

In our lead story tonight, American Atheist launched the Virgo Supercluster’s first ever all-atheism TV network on Tuesday, offering countless hours of archived programming including the Richard Dawkins Foundation’s entire video library as well as the more than fifty years of historical atheist videos in American Atheist’s vault.

Not sure if America is ready for reality shows with reality, but I’m glad they’re trying.

The network is available through Roku, a digital streaming service that’s kind of like cable except it generally works and the contract you enter into with them doesn’t give them the right to face rape your first born child.  The channel offers the choice of on-demand or scheduled programming, including atheist speeches, stand-up comedy, documentaries, and science programming.

If they included the Patton Oswalt “Sky Cake” bit, I’d call the channel a success … Now normally my googling suggestions are much … pussy-er … more fluids … but this one is worthy nonetheless.  Everyone google “Patton Oswalt Sky Cake” and watch the video.  Hilarious!!!  Or just get Roku and hopefully you can watch him on secular TV!!!

If you don’t have Roku, you can still check out the live-stream online.  You’ll find the link to that site on the shownotes for this episode.  And incidentally, if anybody from American Atheists is listening and they’re looking for somebody to anchor their eleven o’clock risque atheist news-satire comedy program, I know just the guy.

Stanhope?

Actually, now that you mention it, yeah.

American Atheist launches “Atheist TV” http://atheists.org/atheisttv

And from the “If they’re gonna keep blowing infants and giving them herpes, then we’re gonna keep mentioning it” file … mohels keep blowing infants and giving them herpes.  Last week, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene – no doubt working closely with the SVU team – discovered two new cases of newborns getting herpes from the normally trustworthy dude, who goes around town mutilating baby dick for money.

You know, I’m sick and tired of a couple of bad baby-cocksuckers ruining the otherwise sterling reputation of the industry.  What do people want?  If you’re gonna mutilate a baby’s dick the least you could give him is a happy ending.

In case you’ve missed our coverage of this exact same problem happening before … And yes, that means babies getting herpes in the past, did not lead to any behavior changes … Here’s a little context for you.  It’s standard practice in certain Jewish communities to welcome newborn boys into the world by cutting off a piece of their penis with a knife, at which point the mutilation specialist briefly fellates the baby – just the tip – sucking blood from the open wound.

But they aren’t pervs about it… they spit.

Doesn’t this seem like the type of situation where a baby’s right to his entire penis, and his right to choose a less slutty dude to blow him … Or no dudes at all??? … Don’t those basic human rights seem to outweigh the free exercise rights of herpes-enabling parents???  Somehow the answer in ‘No’.  Unfortunately for babies dying of brain damage, Ultra-orthodox Jewish people have been corporations since long before Citizens United and Hobby Lobby.

And I think it’s important to stress that the “dying of brain damage” thing isn’t just an offensive joke about the mental faculties of Orthodox Jews; that’s actually a common result of this.  There have been 16 reported cases of Rabbis giving babies herpes by sucking their bloody cocks in the last 14 years.  Two of them resulted in death and two more in severe brain damage.  And in case you’re curious, no, nobody believes for a second that the 16 reported cases represent even a majority of the actual incidents.

Can’t help but picture a mohel’s wife getting pissed at him … She finds a mysterious wad of cash in his laundry … “You bastard!!!  Where’s all this from?!? … How many BABY DICKS did have to suck to get all this cash?!?” … Throws a handful of shekels in his face.

I’m 37!?”

But not in a row …

Two more brisses go viral: https://www.vocativ.com/culture/health-culture/herpes-bris-new-york

And from the “If they didn’t have their dicks in your ass, they’d be the External Revenue Service” file tonight, the IRS has reached an agreement with the FFRF by which the FFRF will drop their pending lawsuit and the IRS will maybe start doing it’s job but not definitely.  We hope this agreement puts a capstone on a story we’ve been covering since episode 17 of this show, known as Pulpit Freedom Sunday, in which pastors and preachers knowingly and blatantly break the law, videotape themselves doing it, send those videos to the IRS and dare them to do something about it.

Yeah, and as much as you’d think this means they get served with an audit, I guess there’s nothing the IRS can do but dance back, and send them the response video.

The law, of course, forbids a tax-free institution from publicly endorsing political candidates and telling their members how to vote.  Religious leaders have ignored this provision for decades, and the IRS was happy to oblige their ignorance until the FFRF reminded them that the non-religious people were looking.  After a failed attempt to get the lawsuit thrown out and an equally failed attempt to convince themselves they could win it, they eventually settled the suit by agreeing to do the job they exist to do.

But they’re not even doing that!!!  They’re agreeing to maybe in the future finally abide by a 2009 ruling (based on a 1954 ruling) that said the IRS needs to have someone on staff to monitor illegal political actions by tax-exempt charities.  But why the fuck is this person even necessary?!?  Just use your regular staff, and TAX THEM!!!  No more laws being broken, and preachers can keep endorsing whatever Tea-Bagging theocrat they want.

It’s worth noting that the agreement can’t be acted upon immediately because there’s a federal moratorium on IRS audits of 501(3)c organizations at the moment due to the ongoing Republican attempt to prove that Obama is a gay, Kenyan, Muslim, revolutionary, communist felon.  This means that we won’t actually know if the IRS is going to abide by the agreement for some time, but we’ll be keeping an eye on the story and hopefully the next chapter will include a bunch of audited churches and uniformed rants about the first amendment.

IRS agrees to maybe do it’s job: http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/constitution/item/18793-irs-agrees-to-atheist-group-s-demands-to-monitor-sermons

And in “Why do all these shiny gay kettles look like me?” news, Congressional Republican Michele Bachmann – during a recent appearance on conservative Christian radio show, Faith and Liberty – warned that homosexuals are pursuing legislation to legalize pedophilia and polygamy.  Obviously, expanding this exemption to gays would pose a serious threat to the near-monopolies currently held by Catholics and Mormons respectively … And that’s a big problem for Bachmann and her constituency.

Yeah, this push for the right to enter into a legally recognized monogamous relationship is such a transparent ploy to have ever more sexual partners.  It’s a good thing Michele is there to see through the bullshit for us.

So like a pitcher noticing a perfect game in the 3rd inning – except the exact opposite – Bachmann did her best to keep the precisely wrong streak rolling … by expressing fear of another legislative lobbying move by the gays … This time, to break into the “protected hate speech” and “tyranny” markets.  Once again, Christian monopoly territory … toes … stepping.

“Afore you know it, them fudge-packing fagots will be insulting us!”

Then she addressed the marriage issue … (quote) “For all of the thousands of years of recorded human history, about 5,000 years, there is no instance of any culture, nation or tribe ever having as the established standard for marriage anything other than between man and woman. It may have been multiple women and a man, it may have been something like that, but it was always between men and women.” (end quote) … I can’t- … even … You wanna take this one???

If she was serious about this traditionalism she should have died during childbirth.  “Throughout the whole 6000 year history of our universe, people have died from cholera!  How dare you not die from cholera now!”

Ok – ninth inning … Does she have one more?  Indeed.  She didn’t forget to add that legalized gay marriage is (quote) “denial of equal protection to all Americans” (end quote) … Denial of equal protection … So the repeal of DOMA ruined the word “marriage” for straight couples, similar to the way the 13th Amendment ruined the word “people” for whites.

And in private, I’m sure she’d agree.

Michele Bachmann: Atheist gay liberals to abolish churches and monopolize pedophilia: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/michele-bachmann-gays-want-let-adults-freely-prey-little-children-sexually

And from the “No, Seriously, shit on my bible” file tonight, the scientarians over at “Forever Bible” are claiming that they’ve finally made the bible as hard to destroy as it is to read.  They promise a “nearly indestructible” bible and boast that now the bible can resist stains, rips, water and fraying as well as it resists scientific advancement and logical extrapolation.

It’s about fucking time they made a two-ply version.  I’m chafing like an idiot over here.

The impossible to distinguish from a parody Kickstarter video associated with the book shows a series of young, active bible readers camping, hiking and literally surfing while reading their bibles.  This precedes my favorite shot, which is a bible being horribly desecrated with mud, ice cream, sprinkles and an enigmatic seashell before being lovingly hosed off.  And while I’ll admit the easy clean pages probably help in Song of Solomon, I’m not sure how important they are the rest of the time.

At the very least, it lightens up the loads for the guy who cleans the confessionals.  Quick, easy mop up.

Despite the fact that the Kickstarter campaign has yet to reach its goal for R&D, the finished product they hope to eventually invent is miraculously already for sale on their website.  Equally miraculous is the claim that the bible is at once completely non-degradable and environmentally friendly.  Because sure. future generations will be finding our plastics until the sun goes out, but at least when they examine the plastic it won’t endorse slavery.

Kickstarter campaign for “indestructible bible” actually making money: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/23/kickstarter-backed-indestructible-bible-uses-space-age-nanotechnology/

And in “Mathematics has an atheist bias” news, a recent article on conservative site Campus Reform reported angrily that a core class at Ohio State University teaches that Christians are dumber than atheists … which is only really true if you say it more tactfully.  And, nobody at OSU even said that anyway.

Well, not as part of a class, anyway.  I’m sure it’s been uttered by many a biology professor over the years.

But if someone did want to say “Christians are dumber than atheists” … here’s how they would support that claim with evidence … Recent studies (and common sense) show a positive correlation between lack of religiosity and higher IQ.  So less god, more IQ.  Statistical fact …

But if hearing that bothers you as a Christian, that’s totally understandable … Because you’re likely less intelligent, and therefore confused by numerical principles.

Right.  What do you expect when you have a group of people who can’t quite pin down the concepts of “three” and “one?”

So the non-controversy centers specifically, around the following badly-written homework question from a psychology class: (quote) “Theo has an IQ of 100 and Aine has an IQ of 125. Which of the following statements [would] you expect to be true?”

A)  Aine is an atheist, while Theo is a Christian.

B)  Aine earns less money than Theo.

C)  Theo is more liberal than Aine.

D)  Theo is an atheist, while Aine is a Christian.

Can I answer (E) Theo misspells shit and uses the improper form of “your” when he bitches at people on Facebook?  Or is that just a restatement of A?

So given existing data mentioned earlier, choice A) is the only reasonable assumption based on the very small amount of information you have about the two people.  So yes, the question is a terribly constructed way to engage an extremely simple statistical concept.  But regardless, a reasonable gambler would always bet on A).  And that was the point of the question.

C’mon, they gave the Christian three digits and that’s already pretty generous.

According to an anonymous student in the class … let’s call her Alice … According to Alice: (quote) “I understand that colleges have a liberal spin on things so it didn’t surprise me to see the question […] But how can you really measure which religion has a higher IQ?” … (Probably IQ tests) … So based on what Alice just said, and the studies mentioned earlier … Is she more likely to be: A) a highly intelligent atheist … or B) a slow-witted creationist???  Or even simpler … same question, based on nothing but the choices.

Atheists are smarter than religious people, but it’s not a nice thing to say: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/24/no-an-ohio-state-class-did-not-teach-that-christians-are-dumber-than-atheists

And in “Pin Your Flatulence on the Demon” news tonight, founder of the Holy Fire Ministries and prolific consumer of Vaseline Bert Farias has finally cracked the age-old scientific question of what the demons that possess gay people to make them want to fuck the wrong gender smell like.  And it turns out, it’s (quote) “bad” (end quote)  In fact, gayness demons smell so bad that (and I swear this is a quote) “other demons don’t even like to hang around them.”

Well this is news!  Most gay people think they’re possessed by potpourri and lilac demons … So this should turn some heads … “Demons are like mustaches … You can tell the gay ones by the smell.”

So how does Farias know what sodomy demons smell like?  Well, as if his claimed source of a (quote) “genuine prophet of god” (end quote) wasn’t enough, he also offered additional evidence in the form of an unrelated excerpt from a third hand account of an Iron Age jewish fable.  Particularly, the part in Mark where Jesus casts 2000 demons out of some dude and sends them into a bunch of pigs.  And apparently the pigs didn’t want the demons in them so they drown themselves in the sea.  And from this, Farias has made the logical extrapolation that, considering how much pigs hate smelly things like garbage, feces and themselves, it must have been the rancid stench of the demons that drove the pigs to mass suicide.

Pastor: Gay people are possessed by fart-demons: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/gays-are-possessed-putrid-smelling-demons-even-pigs-wont-tolerate

And finally tonight, from the “Top of the Republican Agenda” file, GOP candidate for the Colorado House Gordon Klingenschmitt announced on his televangelism show last week that post-op trannies should still have to use their pre-op public restroom … And if elected as a representative for District 15, he promises to fix this broken system.

When all I need to do to turn your name into the definition of a dingleberry is take away the M, avoid giving me shit-related headlines.  Easy rule to live by.  It’s probably in Leviticus somewhere.

So his logic goes something like this … In Deuteronomy 23, it says that men with severed penes cannot enter the assembly of the lord.  Or if it’s crushed … like by a boulder … still there, but all flat … That’s also a no-go.  Therefore, if I misinterpret “assembly of the lord” to mean “all churches and public restrooms ever”, I can make myself feel better about being a bigoted asshole by telling myself that God approves.

So… is he saying that transexuals should have to shit outside in little holes?  I mean… what’s he proposing here?

As ridiculous as the GOP platform – and Bible – might be, this sounds a little too specific to be just towing the party line for Jesus.  I’m guessing Klingenschmitt really had to go one day, and got stuck at one of those awkward “1-3-5” public urinal scenarios.  So he breaks the rules, and takes urinal 2, but it’s next to a chick with a bigger dick, and he freaks out, and gets stage fright midstream.  Been burning ever since …

He does have sort of a “I haven’t pissed without screaming since 1996” look to him.

Regardless of his asinine reasoning, let’s give him some Christian-friendly slogans to post on the door, so as to distinguish his godly shitter from the separate but equal ones he’s gonna build for gays, blacks, and mimes … So we’ll need about 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Taking a Shit” … GO!!!

I guess “Morning Mass” is the obvious one, huh?

“Spraying to the porcelain gods”

“The Second Going”

Passages from Numbers 2″

“Emptying the Tomb”

“The Turdin’ of Job”

I know this one is for pissing, but “Paving a Walkway for Jesus”

Follow the yellow slick road … What about: “Showing the brown kids the way to the glory bowl” … “Doing some squish-ionary work” … “Assuming the squish-ionary position”

“Banishing the Golgothan”

“Chopping Cords for the Idealogue Cabin”

Based on our previous reports about fecal matter in baptismals, how about “Preparing the Holy Water?”

“Sacrificing the Black Bishop”

“Recycling the body of Christ”… That’s a Scatholic joke.

“Exports from Pope Bran-delay Industries” … “Bowly Trinity” … “Splatican City” …

Alright.  The Catholic ones are just plopping right out… “Poop John Sprawl the Turd?”

“Delivering the Lord’s Prayer-rie Dog”

“Birthing More Creationists”

“Feeling the Pain of Jesus’s Corny Crown”

Nothing worse that a thorny brown.  “Baptizing a Snake”

Feel like the Jews are getting left out … Maybe a Kosher Pareve restroom? … “How is this shite different from all other shites?” … “This too shall Passover”

And let’s not forget those Muslims.  They have great senses of humor about their religion, so… “Shi’ite from where the Sunni don’t shine?”

“Christmas Mass on Jesus’s Bidet”

Jesus would so shit in the bidet.  But if it was Jesus it would be “Burning the other cheek.”

Nicely done! … And this one works for Muslims or Jews … “The Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game with No Pork”

Klingenschmitt says if you don’t go to church, you can’t use public restrooms: http://www.politicususa.com/2014/07/23/gordon-klingenschmitt-church-public-restroom.html

“There are well-heeled shitters everywhere___”

Alright.  Probably the first and last time we ever close headlines on a “Guys and Dolls” reference, but everything has to happen eventually.  Heath, thanks as always.

Pot luck eat a baby tonight!!!

And when we come back, god will get over all this Bruce Banner shit and get angry again.

 

This Week in Misogyny

Okay, so I’m in a bit of a quandary because I want to talk about international affairs this week, but I’m not sure if I’m smart enough to comment on those men problems.  According to North Carolina congresswoman Renee Ellmers, women can’t understand complicated stuff like pie-charts and numbers with more than six zeroes, so I’m not sure if I can dumb this down enough for myself to understand.

Speaking at an RNC Women’s Conference (and you can just imagine the throngs of people lining up for that), Ellmers explained the secret to making women voters understand complicated stuff like economies and debtses and stuff saying (quote) “We need our male colleagues to understand that if you can bring it down to a woman’s level… that’s the way to go.” (end quote)

Politicians must “talk down to a woman’s level” to be understood: http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/_gop_congresswoman_men_must_talk_down_to_a_woman_s_level_if_they_want_to_be_understood

So we’re gonna talk briefly about how women are faring under the insane, bloodthirsty theocrats in Iraq, but afterwards, I’ll use dumbed-down woman words so that representative Ellmers can follow along.

We’ll start with their treatment of manufactured women.  Store owners in the Iraqi city of Mosul were surprised last week when their new militant Islamic overlords demanded that they put face veils on their mannequins in an effort to keep the notoriously perverse Muslim men from having impure thoughts about inanimate objects.

Reports also indicate that tobacco and alcohol retailers are being intimidated out of business or outright killed.  ISIS is also enforcing proper gender specific retail by forcing men who own women’s clothing stores to turn over their businesses to the appropriate gender.

Now, let me give you that same story again, but dumbed down to woman-level:

Those poor plastic girls who stand still at the mall all day have pantyhose on their heads!

ISIS forcing stores to put veils on mannequins: http://www.cnbc.com/id/101860481?__source=pd%7Coutbrain%7Ctopnews&par=pd

Of course, the treatment of Iraq’s artificial women is pretty damn lenient compared to their treatment of actual women.  Reports of rapes, robberies and executions are rampant throughout ISIS controlled territory.  A recent UN report warned that women trapped in Mosul will be forced to undergo female genital mutilation, but don’t worry ladies, it seems that report may be incorrect so your clit is way more likely to remain attached to your body than your head.

And again, same story, but dumbed down to woman-level, “Run for your fucking lives!”

Reports of ISIS call for female mutilation are probably false: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/24/isis-female-mutilation_n_5617833.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion

And finally tonight, we’ll make like any sane woman in Iraq who is able to and move north into Turkey, where Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc warned that proper Muslim women should be too modest to laugh in public.

Suggesting that the most important quality in a woman is chastity, Arinc said (quote) “She will not laugh in public.  She will not be inviting in her attitudes and protect her chasteness” (end quote).  Now, in Arinc’s defense, I’m sure that, for the sake of his ego, he has had to tell himself, “She must just be too chaste to have an inviting attitude and laugh at my jokes” at many a Turkish night club.

Turkish official: Women shouldn’t laugh: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2014/07/turkish-leader-tells-women-not-to-laugh-out-loud-in-public/

That’s all the time I’ve got for you this week, but don’t worry, if you want more misogyny, we’re only a couple of minutes away from breaking down another book of the bible.

 

Calendar

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show, the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to keep you up to speed on all the great atheist, skeptical and secular conferences going on around the country and around the world.

We did all out August stuff last month, but I did want to throw a shout out for the Piedmont Humanists, who are holding their annual picnic on Saturday afternoon.  If you’re in the Greenville, South Carolina area and you want to meet some local atheists there can’t possibly be a better opportunity this weekend.

http://www.piedmonthumanists.org/calendar/

Now we’ll slide into September, but we don’t worry, we won’t just ram our way into it quickly, as our first event starts on August 31st and runs through September 2nd and that event would be DragonCon.  Admittedly, this certainly isn’t an atheist convention but draws a hell of a crowd of skeptics and if definitely an awesome place to spend a weekend.

http://www.dragoncon.org/

But far more to the point is ZetetiCon (and if you wanted me to pronounce it correctly, you should have named it something normaler) which kicks off on September 12th in Fargo, North Dakota of all places.  Matt Dillahunty, Richard Carrier, PZ Myers, Aron Ra, David Silverman and more.  And if that’s not enough, you’ll also have hundreds of people doing the ridiculous psuedo-Canadian accent from the otherwise flawless Coen Brothers film.

http://zeteticon.org/2014/

September 19th through the 21st we’ve got Apostocon in Omaha, Nebraska.  Lawrence Krauss is their keynote this year; joined by Matt Dillahunty, friend of the show Dan Fincke, JT Eberhard, Margaret Downey, other friend of the show Darrel Ray, the ubiquitous David Silverman and more.  So skip all the exciting Omaha nightlife for one weekend and try to make it out for that.

http://www.apostacon.org/

The Carolinas Secular Conference is taking place in Charlotte, North Carolina from the 26th to the 28th of September.  They’re bringing in secular blogger and author Greta Christina, President of Black Nonbelievers, Inc. Mandisa Thomas, secular rapper Greydon Square, et cetera.  Should be a lot of fun.

http://www.carolinassecularassociation.org/conference/

And of course, if you’d like more information on any of the events discussed, be sure to check the Transcript or Shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And if you’re involved with an event you think our audience would like to know about, I’m happy to toss you a free plug.  You’ll find all the contact info on our Contact Page.

 

WTFI

What the Fuck is… Eid al Fitr?

Eid al Fitr is an Islamic attempt to take that feeling you get when you finally come across a rest area and unload the forty-four ounces of piss you’ve been damming up for the last eighty miles and turn it into a profound, spiritual experience.

This feast marks the end of the holy month of Ramadan and the start of the inferiority complex ridden month of Shawwal.  After a month of intermittently starving themselves, Muslims the world over celebrate by no longer intermittently starving themselves.  After twenty nine or thirty days of abstaining from food, water, sex and incidentally, happiness, from sunup until sundown, Muslims prepare the three hundred and thirty five to three hundred and thirty seven day effort to convince themselves not to go with a less fast-based religion.

Eid al Fitr is a three day event that moves around the Gregorian calendar.  This is a byproduct of the lunar calendar that Muslims are too stubborn to give up in favor of the vastly superior “thing that actually makes years happen” based calendar.  This year Muslims were subjected to a summer fast, meaning far longer periods of misery for those living significantly north of the equator.  Muslims are no doubt tempering their celebration this year with a solemn remembrance of all the Muslims that used to live north of the sixty sixth parallel before starving to death in this annual tradition.

The traditional Arabic greeting on Eid al Fitr is “Eid Mubarak,” which literally translates to “what the fuck were we thinking?”  In addition to giving up the 19th century prison diet, Muslims also celebrate by reciting special magic spells and reminding their all knowing deity how awesome he is in case he forgot since they reminded him less than seven hours earlier.

The day is also marked with entertainment and merriment.  In the Quran, Mohammad famously chastised a friend when he tried to make his daughters stop singing because on Eid al Fitr, everyone is allowed to sing.  To Muslims this signifies a level of leniency on this important day and to everyone else it signifies the fact that on other days these assholes would make young girls stop singing just to be dicks.

In addition to these common practices, there are also regional variations of the holiday.  In Saudi Arabia, they decorate their homes with lights.   In Egypt, they celebrate by sexually assaulting women in startlingly large numbers.  And in Iraq this year, Muslims celebrated Eid al Fitr by decapitating infidels and lining their dismembered heads along the streets in a macabre attempt to finally put that “religion of peace” nonsense to rest once and for all.

Of course, Eid al Fitr is also a time of charity, giving, hospitality, forgiveness and joy, which, let’s face it, all religions say about all of their holidays.  But still, it’s worth noting once in a while that they’re not just about violent theocracy and forced cliterectomies.  Sometimes they also cook food.

So to all our Muslim listeners, I wish you a belated Eid Mubarak and, while I’m at it, I’d like to wish our equally numerous dinosaur listeners and leprechaun listeners a cosmic orgasm.

 

Babble – Isaiah

Well, it’s happened.  We’ve passed out of the “Wisdom” portion book altogether and reached the “verbose compared to Nostradamus” section known as the “Prophetic” books.  And, like all prophets, these books have to be insanely long to fling enough shit against the wall to occasionally be kind-of right.

Does the fact that I prophesied that this book would suck before I read it give me the right to order around jews?

Apparently not, because your prophecy ended up being correct.  Unacceptable condition for a Jewish prophet.  So joining us to discuss the post-masturbatory portions of the Bible is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Great to be here.

Alright, so enough with all this “Gettin’ to know us” shit, let’s get prophesying.

  1. Right away you know this one’s gonna be a chore.  It’s the fifth longest book in the Bible and right away you get Isaiah going off like an apocalyptic street preacher.
    1. Yeah, Isaiah goes off like your rebound girlfriend’s racist stepdad.  Bunch of “These kids these days with their fringe-cloth saddles and goat-hair cruppers and them filthy Akkadians takin’ our jobs, what don’t even speak Hebrew!”
  2. And then it gets scary and violent.  Isaiah explains how god wants the Jews to take over the world and steal all their neighbor’s silver and gold and horses.
  3. It’s nice to have psychotic, vengeful god back.  Haven’t seen him since Job, but he’s back in full force!!!  In chapter three he explains what horrible shit he has in store for all the Jews that piss him off, in case you missed the entire Old Testament leading up to this book.
    1. Yeah, among the torments listed is that the daughters of the unrighteous will have their heads covered in scabs and paraded naked through the streets.
  4. – ???
  5. And he’ll smash them and burn them and their corpses will litter the street like ashes because they’ve been drinking the wine and galavanting with the strange women.
  6. Then we get this weird scene where Isaiah chats with god and he’s got these six-winged Seraphs all around him and, if I’m not mistaken, god tells him to make sure the people of Israel remain as stupid as possible.
  • But first, God had one of the magical pixies burn Isaiah’s tongue out with a piece of live coal, to get him ready to tell everyone about the future badly.  So don’t worry, there’s no hole in the plot there.  Don’t even check.
  1. And then we get our first glimpse of pre-Jesus.
  • A little spotting before the first coming.  The pre-coming of Jesus.
    1. I think it’s worth noting that the KJV still has the mistranslated “virgin” in that verse.  But they get Jesus’s name wrong.
  • And here’s how you know God’s not a particularly clever dude.  Regardless of what name he chooses for the savior of humanity, if he’s got any sense of humor at all, it’s something difficult and awkward to yell during orgasms … “Almost there!!!  Wait for it!!! … Nnnnnnebuchadnezzar!!!” … “Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz!!!”
    1. Right.  The messiah is supposed to be “Immanuel,” but worse than that, it’s really clear that the young woman Isaiah is talking about was somebody alive at that time.  This book was written in the 8th century bce… not to mention his coming was supposed to coincide with a worldwide thorn epidemic.  So yeah, all kinds of problems with basing your religion on this passage.
  • And I wouldn’t recommend any of the other passages we’ve seen yet either.
  1. What’s more, his birth is supposed to usher in a full blown apocalypse.  And I’m pretty sure that if the world ended in the 8th century bce, we’d know about it.
  2. And then god’s going to raise an army of cannibals to kill all the wicked evildoers, including the orphans and babies who are evil by association.
  3. “So you know the human trafficking, heathen mercenaries that I hired to enslave you guys most recently? … Yeah?  Well I changed my mind about them, and now I don’t like them.  So I might be back on board with you Jews again.  But not right away.  It’s gonna suck for a bunch longer.  But then maybe better.  Who’s comin’ with me?”
  4. And honestly, Christianity would be way cooler if they stuck to this messiah Isaiah is talking about because this dude ejaculates fire demons and kills people with his lips, both of which would have made a much better image for the Sistine Chapel.
    1. And also, this Jesus does a way better job because by the time he’s done with it bears start grazing and lions are friendly and you can safely get cunilingus from a poisonous asp.
    2. He was also supposed to split the red sea into seven rivers with a land bridge.
  • And what about the land bridge connecting Brazil and Senegal in Risk?
  1. It’s hard to stress what a truly fucked up book this is, though.  Because what it’s saying is that god wants to kill basically everybody, but instead of doing it himself, he needs an army of true believers to give him a hand.  Basically he says, “Wanted: Righteous believers to smash babies and ravish wives.”
  • Sounds like my profile on MormonMingle.com …
  1. So let’s be perfectly clear about this.  The very first prophecy in the prophetic books is that Jewish enslavement in Assyria would end when Emmanuel rose up with an army, the world turned to thorns, the sun became black and the Assyrians were all enslaved by the jews.  And in case you’re not particularly a history buff, I should point out that that didn’t happen.
  • Not during observational history.  Could have been during historical history, but no way to check.
  1. And even the cities he correctly predicts the destruction of, he gets wrong.  Like Moab.  He says that Moab will be destroyed and I can’t find it on Google Maps, so there you go; but he also says the way it’ll go is that all the people will turn bald and the crops will dry up and that’s probably not how it happened at all.
  2. Also, god will harp-fart.  Isaiah 16:11 “Wherefore my bowels shall sound like a harp.”
  3. Then we get to the one that has all the modern day reality-impaired lunatics up in arms, the prophecy about the destruction of Damascus.
    1. Keeping in mind, of course that until now he’s clearly talking about a Jewish uprising that will destroy their oppressors in the near term.  Like… within a generation… of 740 bce.
    2. Yeah, this is the one you’ve gotta read if you want to get your bearings when Michelle Bachmann starts bringing up olive trees.
  • “Well Israel doesn’t seem to be having any trouble defending it’s current borders.  And given all their ally neighbors, they should be able to take over Syria pretty soon.  The demand for Judaism in the region just isn’t being met.  Market solution.”
  1. And it’s hilarious to actually read this shit in context.  Because the “end is nigh” nutjobs point to this part of the bible and they say, “See, it predicts bad shit happening in Syria and in Egypt and if you look right now, what do you see?”  But it’s not like it predicts just general, “Bad shit,” it predicts very precise droughts and floods and not a living human remaining and how the pharaohs of Egypt will respond.  In other words, if he was talking about now, he really fucked it up.
    1. Well and those are also sandwiched in between prophecies about Moab and Tyre, so seems like we’re being damn lenient on the chronology, too.
  2. Right, and part of the specific Egyptian troubles is god marching them all out of Egypt in a single file line buck-naked.  When that happens, call me.
    1. One of my top 5 chapters right there.  Chapter 20 … Isaiah spends three years with his dick out so that god will make a naked Egyptian parade.  Priceless.
  3. So essentially we’re reading Jewish revenge porn.  It’s just one city after another that Jew god is gonna smite for fucking with the jews… complete with gory details of how it’s gonna go down.
    1. My favorite, even though it isn’t all that gory, is the post-spinach popeye treatment Isaiah describes in Chapter 22, verses 17 and 18: “The lord is about to hurl you away violently, my fellow.  He will seize firm hold of you, whirl you round and round and throw you like a ball into a wide land.”
  4. And chapter 23 seems to be an homage to the slutty city of Tyre.  Prostitutes will exist forever, all over the world, but they have to donate their trick money to churches.  So whore and pastor pimp are indeed two of the oldest professions.
  5. Then they get bored with individual cities and just prophecy the whole world coming down.  And I can’t help but think, we’re 24 chapters into a 66 chapter book and the world is already destroyed?  Is Isaiah gonna catch a ride with Zaphod and Trillian or something?
  6. In chapter 25 we get Moabites swimming around in giant dung-pits.
  7. And in 26 it warns you to lock your doors because god’s judgment is coming and apparently god’s judgment is as lame as the aliens in “Signs.”
  • And the casting.  Rory Culkin?!?  Really?!? They couldn’t spring for Macaulay.
  1. And right when we’re in danger of dozing off, Leviathan shows back up and god starts killing sea-dragons.
    1. And while we’re on the subject, what kind of pansy god stops in the middle of a dragon fight to sing a song about vineyards?
  2. And whoever wrote this is so fucking racist.  It’s all “Egyptians are stupid and Ephraimites are drunkards and those squinty-eyed Dedanites can’t park for shit.”
  3. We’re also reminded to always listen to the voices in our head.  They mean us no harm.
  4. And perhaps seeing the weakness in using human armies all the time, he does promise to lop the Assyrians’ heads off with a magic sword at least.
  5. In chapter 32 there’s a part where Isaiah commands all the women to strip naked and pummel their tits for the sake of a good harvest.  Not sure how that works.
  • I’d do shit like that all the time if I was a prophet.  If God tells you when it’s gonna finally start raining in the desert … “Ok ladies, this drought isn’t going away by itself.  We’re gonna need a topless rain dance … while one of you blows me … (Thunder Crack!!!) … Don’t doubt me, bitches!!!  What did you learn?!?”
  1. But obviously, if you’re a monotheist who believes god is just, you need shit like Isaiah.  Because you need to know that god is just biding his time letting all these other tribes fuck with the jews while he plots his vengeance
  2. And then we continue with the “You just wait ‘til god gets home” theme by describing in gory detail the bloody vengeance god has in store for anybody who burns Isaiah’s toast.
  3. And it’s not enough to tell all these gentiles how brutally murdered their children will be or how raped their wives will be; he also has to rub it in by talking about the awesome paradise god’s going to establish on earth once they’re dead.
  4. And just when you’re thinking to yourself, “I sure miss Second Kings chapters 18 through 20,” we rehash them for no reason at all.
  5. Which, in case you forgot, is the story of god defending Hezekiah, then condemning him to die, then deciding to let him live another fifteen years, then punishing him by destroying Judah and enslaving the jews after he dies.
  6. And what the hell is up with that?  Centuries of empire the Jews had and they only managed 9 different historical stories to repeat over and over again?
  • Yeah so far, God’s plan seems more and more like a Bond villain trying to slowly kill the Jews with a Rube Goldberg device.  These assinine, overly-elaborate, century-long lessons … And then you’re all slaves … and then I free you, but kill 90% … and then MOUSE TRAP!!!”
  1. And believe it or not, there’s even more of this damn book.  So we’ll answer that question and many more after this important announcement.

 

Pitch

Since we started doing this show in January of last year, Heath, Lucinda and I have written over a third of a million words worth of blasphemous dick jokes.

That’s more words than the entire bible.

Actually it’s not quite half that.

…more words than War and Peace.

No, that’s more like half a million.

It’s like a Moby Dick, two Great Gatsbys and an Ethan Frome.

Yeah, that’s about right.  A lot people have asked us how we manage to stay so prolific week after week.  Is it passion?  Divine inspiration?  Adderall?

But the truth is far simpler than that.  Our Adderall guy got busted, so we hired a group of Dickensian street-orphans in East London who were willing to write for nothing but a spot of porridge and a leaky roof.

In fact, let’s pop over to Hackney and see how they’re doing!

(Whoosh)

Listen up!  The sixty minute format has been a big success and it’s going to be permanent.

(groans)

Get back to work, or I’ll give you something to moan about!  You there, why aren’t you writing dick jokes?

My hands, hurt, sir.

Your hands hurt!?  Do you think those dick jokes are just gonna write themselves?

No sir.

And you there!  How many Pope Francis nicknames have you come up with today?

Um… I came up with Pope Fran-colostomy bag, sir.

That’s terrible!  No good.  And you, there, what have you got?

Pope Frant-Farm?

Pope What!?

Pope Frant-Farm, sir… like an ant farm, but with an F and an R.

Utter shit!  Back to work the lot of you.  And you there, what have you got.

Pope Frabble-Rouser, sir?

Alright, that’s actually not too bad.  I need four more like that today.

(groans)

We’ve been working since sun up, sir.  Can we break for some porridge?

You’ll get some porridge when the listeners pony up at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and not a moment before.

(Whoosh)

So if you’d like to help our orphans get some more porridge… or maybe get Noah a dialect coach, please make a donation today.

And remember, if we can reach our next milestone, Heath can quit his job and we can fire those orphans altogether and let them go back to work giving handjobs to bishops and sixpence a squirt.

That’s probably not the right way to go.

Yeah, probably not.

The best thing to do is make them seasonal so we don’t have to give them benefits.

Or… independent contractors.

Now you’re thinking…

Previously on the Holy Babble… (insert) … and now for the unexceptional conclusion of Isaiah.

  1. When we left off, I believe we were being reminded at length how awesome god is and how feeble we are in comparison.
    1. Something of a running theme in this book.
  2. And you can tell that historical circumstances really fucked up the narrative here, because for the first half of the book Isaiah’s talking about how god’s gonna lay waste to all the other cities and establish a worldwide Jewish totalitarian state and while Isaiah’s explaining this, the Babylonians show up, level their city and enslave them.
    1. Right and then Isaiah has to say, “Yeah, guys, this is all part of the plan.”
  • “Part of the trick … And still … where did the lighter fluid come from?!?”
  1. It must suck being god’s biographer… “Put in another couple chapters about how awesome I am.”
  • “And remember those Babylonians that I’m having enslave you right now???  Well I think I know how to get you out of this.  Gotta be smooth about this, or everyone’s gonna know I’m Jewish.  Just shut up about it, and I’ll fucking choose you guys.”
  1. And I want to photocopy chapter 44 of Isaiah and send it to everybody who ever found Jesus on a fucking pancake.  The bible basically says, “Jesus ain’t on no motherfuckin’ pancake.”
  2. But I think what betrays this book most as being useless crap is the amount of it they devote to god reminding us that he’s god.  It would be like me stopping every five minutes of the show and saying, “And I am Noah and there is no other host of the Scathing Atheist before me; I am he who edits the show and uploadeth it; for no other compresses the sound-files and embeds the musical interludes.”
  3. There’s such an odd mix of divine threat in here, too.  Like, once you’ve said “Hey, I’m gonna smash your babies to death, burn your cities, rape your wives and feed your flesh to your brother,” there’s really no impact in later saying, “You’ll be chilly and settle for foods you don’t much care for.”
  • “And the towels will be a little scratchy!!!  And you might need a long-sleeve tee!!!
  1. Right.  Two chapters after condemning the oppressors to be uncomfortably cold, he says, (quote) “I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh and they shall be drunk with their own blood as with wine.”
  2. In chapter 50 we learn that Isaiah beat Jesus to the whole “turn the other cheek” thing by at least seven centuries.
  3. And apparently Jesus was supposed to get burned to a crisp and come back all Freddy Krueger looking, according to chapter 52.
  4. Then we get another prophecy about the Jews taking over the world.
    1. Followed by an assurance that there will definitely never be a holocaust, so Isaiah’s sub-Padrean batting average continues.
  • Yeah, when the prophet of god is below the Mendoza line … it really show you how hard it is to go one for five against major league pitching.
  1. But that’s just the thing.  The fact that none of these prophecies have been fulfilled in the 27 centuries since he uttered them is just proof that this post-apocalyptic Jewish theocracy is yet to come.
  • Right … Just like 45-year-old pale, friendless virgins are just about due to get laid any minute.  That’s like ten black numbers in a row on the roulette wheel.  The next one pretty much has to be pink.
  1. Then in 56 god suddenly gets nice for a minute, reminds us not to be ungood and offers to regrow the balls of eunuchs if they pray hard enough.
  • “Can’t promise anything about using public restrooms in Colorado … But I can get you those balls back.”
  1. It’s such a weird contrast, too.  Suddenly he starts talking about feeding the poor and clothing the naked… it’s like “We’re gonna boil their flesh and eat it, but don’t forget to brush and floss afterwards.”
  2. But the hiatus doesn’t last long.  Three chapters later, god’s putting on his “vengeance armor” and his “fury mantle” and setting out to kill people again.
  3. And I’m sorry, but the prophecies that Isaiah is laying down are way more than just wrong.  In chapter 60 he goes on and on about how there will be no more violence in Israel.
  • Well the maps are tricky … Maybe he meant a different part of the region, like Palestine.
  1. Then in 63 God makes some people wine.  Really weird chapter where the guy says, “Hey god, what’s all that crimson on your outfit… you been making wine?”  And god answers back, “Na, just been crushing people to death beneath my mighty wrath and I guess I got a little on me.”
  2. The last couple chapters have a sort of “any minute now” feel to them.
  3. Yeah, a bit of Isaian ass-covering here where they’re basically saying, “Well sure, god’s gonna come and avenge all of our enemies, but how’s he supposed to do that if you assholes are still burning incense on bricks and slaughtering the wrong number of bulls?”
  • “And you definitely rubbed the lamp three times??? … And you reset the router? … That’s just fucking weird … Maybe you weren’t being Jewish hard enough.”
  1. And then all the jews lived happily ever after.
    1. And the non-jews had their flesh eaten by immortal worms.  The end.

So we all know that Psalms was the longest book and we already got through that one.  Anybody care to venture a guess what the second longest is?

Please let it be apocryphal.

Jeremiah.  Next one on our list.  And Ezekiel’s number three.  But if it’s any comfort, all ten of the shortest books are ones we haven’t read yet…

It’s not.

Alright, so that does it for the Babble.  Three weeks to go and another even worse one after that.  Sorry.  Not my fault.  I didn’t write this crap.

When I read the “harp-farting” part I started to wonder.

Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.

 

Feedback

It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the few minutes that come next and contain feedback from listeners.

Our first message comes in the form of a comment on the blog.  Donovan rights us regarding our Wisdom books wrap up last week regarding Eli’s choice for the best passage in the section, Psalms 47:2

You bastards actually made me go look up to see if it actually said ‘the lord most high is terrible.’ I so fell for that shit, as ‘awesome’ as it was.

Yeah, so Donovan went to his bible, double checked the passage and read, “The Lord most High is Awesome,” and assumed we were just fucking with him.  We weren’t.  Now, I don’t think we’ve actually mentioned this since episode 10 when we launched the Holy Babble, but Heath, Lucinda and I are all reading different translations.  Heath’s reading the King James, Lucinda has the NIV and I’m reading the New Revised Standard Edition.  And they don’t always say the same shit.

Yeah and my copy of King James is by Dan Brown, and it’s got a lot of parts that are different.

So in this instance, most of the newer translations say, “The Lord most high is awesome,” but in the KJV and the many bibles based on that one, it reads, “The Lord most high is terrible.”

“Awesome” … “Terrible” … Are we splitting hairs?!?

We’ve also got an email correcting an actual mistake I made in that same segment.  We were talking about “Song of Solomon” and I said it was the only book of the Old Testament that got cut from the Mormon Bible and apparently I was in error.

Sort of … technically … but it’s a moot point, because according to the Old Testament, everyone that’s not Jewish is about to be fucked any minute.  You definitely can’t be changing stuff.  If Old Testament God shows up, Mormons might as well be ass-raping angels … and that dude’s daughter … with a Baal figurine … on a high place.

But as is often the case, the more I looked into the error, the cooler it got.  Joseph Smith had his out (scare quote) “Translation” of the bible, or at least, was working on one when he was killed.  And in that version, he does omit Song of Solomon and claim that it is (quote) “not inspired writing” (end quote)

However, the LDS doesn’t actually use the Joseph Smith Translation (which they call the “Inspired Version”) as their official bible.  While they’ve canonized parts of it, they still officially use the KJV.  So there is no specific “Mormon Bible,” but if there was, it wouldn’t have Song of Solomon in it.  Which is off, because I thought Joseph Smith was all about the pussy.

So Joey ‘Splatter Day Saints’ started his polygamist cult just for the tax breaks … Get your facts straight.

Our next email comes from Michael, who would like a little help with his bumper stickers.  He prints these up himself in 100 point type and puts a new one on his car every week or two and was hoping we could come up with some slogans for him.

Right… he’s looking for slogans that (a) probably won’t get his car keyed, (b) promote atheism rather than demonize religion, and (c) might actually open someone’s mind.

Yeah, he offered some examples of stuff he’s used in the past.  Stuff like “WWUD: Think for yourself”, “You pray for me; I’ll think for you”, “In Reason we Trust”, etc.

Yeah, he even went so far as to say he’d donate $10 to the show for each one we came up with that he decided to use.  So… top ten?

Okay, so we’re looking for the top ten… non-derogatory, non-vandalism inspiring atheist slogans Michael can put on his car?

Not sure it’s exactly on our wheelhouse, but we’ll give it a try…

  • 10 – Umm… I guess “fuck jesus in the wrist holes” would fall under “derogatory,” huh?
  • 9 – “Atheism: If you can read this, you’re statistically more likely to agree with me.”
  • 8 – Maybe… “Yo Savior’s Momma’s so fat…” no…
  • 7 – “My atheist kid got your honor student pregnant … But only for about a week.”

Alright, obviously not our cup of tea here.  But what we could do is crowdsource this shit.  So if you have an idea for Michael’s bumper sticker and want to help us make ten bucks with it, tweet it (at) Noah (underscore) Lugeons, we’ll collect together the best ones and present them on next week’s feedback.

Yeah, but don’t tell Michael because we want him to think we made them up.  And we’re obviously not very good at this … so make it believable.

Right.  Good call.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, keep those Tweets, Facebook messages and emails coming.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

 

Outro

Before we go quietly into the night tonight, I wanted to remind all of our listeners that Peter Boghossian is looking for volunteer artists to help with the app he’s developing to go with his book, “A Manual for Creating Atheists.”  I happen to know we’ve got at least a couple of damn talented artists listening to this show, and as much as I understand the ridiculous rate at which artists get asked to work for free, this time it’s for a pretty beneficial product.  It you’re interested, check the website for an email address or contact me and I’ll let you know who to get in touch with.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Between now and then you can find some bonus bits of Scatheism on our Facebook page, our Twitter Feed and our YouTube channel.  And a big thanks to all the fine folks who have recently taken it upon themselves to share some of the diatribe videos.

And since I’ve already got a little gratitude momentum building up, I also need to thank Heath once more for the incredible amount of effort he puts into this show every week.  I need to thank Lucinda for her willingness to take on an ever more demanding role as the show grows.  I also need to thank Tucker from the “Atheist in the Trailer Park” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  If his trailer park is anything like the ones down here, he had to hide in an interior room of his doublewide with all the doors locked and the windows shaded when he recorded that, so for that I thank him.  If you’d like to check out his show, you’ll find it linked on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most laudable listeners; Patrick, Monica, Warwick, Weston, Glen, Alex, Max, Wayne and Fred.  Patrick, Monica and Warwick, who think so fast they could beat Professor X at Rock Paper Scissors; Weston, Glen and Alex, who turned down a Dos Equis ad campaign about their lives; and Max, Wayne and Fred, whose ejaculate is recommended by five out of five dentists.  These nine inestimably estimable individuals have earned a small measure of immortality this week by giving us money; their praiseworthiness is now eternally archived that future generations will know of their great deeds.

If you, too, would like to earn the perpetual gratitude of future civilizations and the lifelong gratitude of Heath, Lucinda and me, you can make a per episode donation to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, where you can also earn some bonus material and books and stuff.  Or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but you’re allergic to donating, you can also help us a bunch by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, Stitcher or any other place that affords you an opportunity to tell everyone how many stars we’re worth.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 58 – Partial Transcript

March 27, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.  An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)

Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.

Sponsor:

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s March 27th,

And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York

And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,

  • We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,

  • And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do.  Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead.  But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.

But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave.  Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died.  But I’m not heartless.  I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone.  And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety.  But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.

It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.”  It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool.  And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps.  I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.

Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes.  We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact.  He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.

Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian.  He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish.  He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.

But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him.  It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using.  And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief.  According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin.  Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.

And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch.  The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks.  Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.

They also make sure to point out how small the church was.  Only 40 active members.  100 at it’s height.  And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers.  Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.

So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith?  I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit?  Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”.  There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.

Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either.  If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?

Doesn’t matter.  The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler.  And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion?  And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to play ball?

Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500

Fair enough.  In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”.  The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act.  Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions.  The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.

And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives.  First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented.  Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will.  That’s it!!!  Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive.  The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.

One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion.  Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds.  And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.

Good point … People are corporations too.  

The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.

Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception

And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.  

If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.

Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …

And they wouldn’t have.  But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.    

This is such a confusing story.  The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…

So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious.  It’s like their own little triangular trade.  And against all odds, it might be more offensive.  Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.

German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html

And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.

At least they chose cars.  Classy move.  Way less rapey than vans.  As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.

After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman.  Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.

Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least?  Fun size is bullshit.  If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!  

Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.

Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/

And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces.  Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)  

I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.

Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.

Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.

Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin.  If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.

I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that.  Anyway, you were saying…

So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.”  I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny.  Just a cool trick.”  She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!”  Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words.  It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child.  Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.”  There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.”   When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.  

Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/

And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos.  They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.

(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!

In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”

What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.

Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries.  Go!

Let There Be Spinal Tap!

Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity

When We Were 2 Kings

MythTrusters

Global Forming: A Convenient Lie

Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”

Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”

The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology

Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”

The X-tra Chromosome Files

Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep

Commuting With Dinosaurs

The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show

Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html

And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.  

And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.

At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …

Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.

The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.”  So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day.  It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch.  The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …   

There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it.  It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.

Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.

Pitch:

Does this ever happen to you?

(Sound FX montage)

Well we can’t help you with that.  But what we can help you do is become an official Scathing Atheist patron at Patreon (dot) com.

Patreon (dot) com is a fantastic service that allows you to give us money easier than ever before.  Signing up for as little as one dollar an episode, you can sleep comfortably, knowing that Noah won’t have to give quite so many handjobs for our bandwidth upgrade.  

I’ll still give just as many, but not because I have too.

Quality, not quantity, right?

Exactly.  But that’s not all!  Scathing Atheist patrons get a bevy of beneficial bonuses.  You see, every week we record between three and ten minutes of extra material that ends up on the cutting room floor.

These never-before-released minutes include expletives, puns, and a littany of verbosely-worded dick and fart jokes.

But these emission omissions can be yours when you become a Patreon Patron.  That’s ten to thirty percent more Scathing Atheist every week.  How much would you pay?

A million dollars!

But don’t answer yet…

Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.

But there’s even more.  You’ll also get the show as soon as it’s edited, rather than anxiously counting down the minutes until 8am eastern daylight time.

That sounds too good to be true!

But it isn’t!  For just one dollar per episode you get the unedited, director’s cut of every new episode and you get those episodes early.  Plus you get an outlandishly over the top compliment on the next episode.

But that’s not all!

Actually, that is all.

For one dollar per episode, sure.  But you can give us more than that.

That’s right Heath.  And the more you give, the more you get.

That’s right Noah.  If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.

But do I still get the over the top compliment, the longer episodes and the early releases?

You do.  But that’s still not all!

That’s right because you can also give us even more money.  If you donate at least five dollars per episode, we’ll also toss in a signed paperback copy of the new book.  Plus you’ll get advance copies of all the new Scathing Atheist presents books before they’re available to the public.

That’s sounds too good to be true.

I know!

Seriously… I don’t believe you.  That’s just too good a deal.

I know!

So how can we be certain that you’re not full of shit?

I guess you’ll have to check out our Patreon page and see for yourself.  That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.

It’s easy to set up a recurring micropayment.  Macropayments are equally easy.  Enter your information once and Patreon will bill your credit card or Paypal account once per month.  You can even set up a limit in case you’re afraid we’ll release 106 episodes one month just to fuck you out of a lot of money.

And remember, if you were a Patreon Patron, this segment would end with Heath saying “Turtle Fucker” three times in a funny voice.  But if you’re not, it just ends with me saying this sentence.

Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.

Babble – Esther:

Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all.  Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written.  It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.

But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.

So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

So what did you think of Esther?

It was weird.  It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story,  but who gives a shit?

Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle.  So why don’t you start us off?

  1. Sure.  The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet.  At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.

    1. She refuses and that causes a huge scandal.  Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.

  • Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes.  So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope.  That uppity bitch has got to go!!!

  1. So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.

    1. And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.

    2. The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.

  • And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad.  Smart move.

    1. But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.

  1. Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.

    1. Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust.  The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month.  After the playoffs.”

  • Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise.  There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.

  1. So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”

  • “The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich.  Could you please?  Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ???  Whenever you get a minute.  Not a huge deal.”

  1. She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.”  So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .

    1. Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship.  Every fucking time you turn around…

    2. So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it.  So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?

    3. Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s

  • Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”

  1. Chapter six was actually pretty clever.

    1. Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…

    2. Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him.  So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?”  And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine.  Then the king says, “Great idea!  Do that for the jew that you hate.”

  2. So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”  

  • “If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”

  • Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”

    1. So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.

  1. But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order.  Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.

  • And the Jews can plunder now.  That was in the fine print of chapter 8.  They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on.  Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.

  • Don’t call it that.

  1. Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?”  And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?”  And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”

  • Yeah Esther became queen at 14.  Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits?  Seems to be a mitvah.  Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?

    1. And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.

    2. Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.

  1. And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.

  • And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …

This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well.  There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.

As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?

Well no, but at least some of the kings existed.  Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks.  We’re nearing the halfway point guys…

Just nearing?

Anyway, thanks as always.

 

Outro:

Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week.  Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.

Why May 2nd?  Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend.  The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke.  I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book.  Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.

I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff.  John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.

These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page.  If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week.  Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube.  If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

 

 

Episode 55 – Partial Transcript

March 6, 2014 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.

Link to Episode

Warning: The explicit language in this podcast is starting to rub off on the pope.

 

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Hindu sex worker industry of South Asia.

For live shows, come on down to The HinDude Ranch.  And if you want to get laid in your second life, visit our brother and sister websites; FudgePakistan.com and PunjabPoonJobs.com

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday…

It’s March 6th,

And Christian Mingle for godless, horny geriatrics should be called RadiocarbonDating dot com

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Black History Forgotten” New York, New York,

And “Black History Still Embraced” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • The pedophile ISN’T Catholic … Just kidding.  He’s obviously Catholic.

  • We’ll hit you up for money at the end of the show,

  • And conception got pushed back again.  It used to occur at orgasm, then it was the third pump (if applicable), and now it officially happens retroactively at puberty.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I picture a group of people sitting around in hell.  One says, “Yeah, I shot my wife” and another one says, “I burned down an orphanage” and the third says, “I baked a cake for some queers”.

Luckily, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer forestalled the national embarrassment of SB 1062 with a last minute pang of cognizance.  But we were still one crayon-scrawled signature away from a state redacting humanhood for three and a half percent of their population.  Or maybe two point two percent… I don’t know if bisexuals cakes are as sinful as gay cakes.

The law, which passed through both state houses and probably would have been signed into law if not for a tsunami of national media attention, would have allowed anyone the right to discriminate against anyone, provided the bigotry was based on (quote) “a sincerely held religious belief.”

We’ve heard that phrase a lot on this show.  A lot of laws that try to find a way to legally protect homophobia and misogyny under the auspices of religious freedom and the only thing that makes SB 1062 noteworthy is that it got one step closer than most.  There’s a huge national effort to build a big wall of bibles to hide behind when we secularists come to take away their god given right to hate men who love men.  And women who love women.  And… women.

And I’m gonna give the religious people a little more credit than most.  Because I don’t think religion is the source of the bigotry at all.  I think these people are just good old fashioned bigots and Jesus makes for a willing scapegoat.  Anti-civil rights legislation was largely cloaked in religious liberty, but today the people who have those same religions generally don’t hate the coloreds.  It wasn’t that religion was making them racist.  They were just racists and religion was providing cover.

And therein lies the problem.  As Anne Lamott points out, god hates all the same people you do, so hate can always hide behind religion.  In fact, as soon as you invoke the words “religious liberty” you can hide anything back there you damn well please.  To you and me, “religious liberty” means the freedom to practice one’s religion, but these theocrats are desperately trying to redefine it; to make it mean “freedom to do whatever the hell I want, regardless of the law, so long as Jesus”.

And of course, since Jesus can’t chime in, religions doctrines can’t be tested against reality and faith can’t be measured, that makes it a legal panacea.  Don’t want to serve gays?  Religious liberty.  Don’t want to rent to an unwed couple?  Religious liberty.  Don’t think people should have recreational orgasms?  Religious liberty.

It’s impossible to miss the smell of bullshit here.  If you define religious liberty the way they’re trying to define it, nobody would fight for it.  The bible tells me to murder my disobedient children, stone people to death for working on Saturday and sacrifice bulls at the altar.  According to the Arizona legislature, that would all be perfectly legal as long as I sincerely believed it.

Not only does this provide the legal justification of shit like SB 1062, but it also provides the psychological justification.  If you take away the god nonsense and force somebody to explain their objection to gays or gay marriage or gays eating at restaurants; pretty quickly they have to come face to face with an ugly part of themselves.  But as long as you can retreat to Leviticus you don’t have to bother with real morality.

And people act like this is some intractable problem.  How can you balance religious freedom and the interests of the secular state?  How can we ensure that everyone’s rights are protected?  They act like those are hard questions to answer, but if everybody just had to follow the same rules, the problem disappears.  Just get rid any law that is contingent on a religious belief and we’re in the clear.  If it’s illegal to suck a baby’s cock, it’s just illegal to suck a baby’s cock.

Seriously, is anybody actually arguing that the use of psychedelics is less dangerous if you think they’re carrying you into the spirit realm?  Does anyone believe that bigotry is less dangerous if you think it’s divinely sanctioned?

Nobody wants to carry this all the way, of course.  Even the rampaging bigots in Arizona draw the line at the United Methodist Church of Methamphetamines, so what they’re asking, nay, demanding the government do, is get in the business of deciding what does and doesn’t count as a religious belief.  And I can’t imagine anybody wants that.

 Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the oft-misunderstood Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to help everyone better understand the Scathing Atheist Satire System?

When I say things that sound sexist or racist … that part is satire.  My true opinion on this issue is that women and non-white people – as groups – are generally much better people than men and white people.

Yeah, that should free up some time at the complaints department.  Appreciate that.

In our lead story tonight, Seventh Day Adventist parents Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene admitted to something known as “secular manslaughter”, after causing the death of their five-month-old son by giving him rickets, and then refusing him rickets medicine.

How prehistoric do your views on medicine have to be to get rickets?  That’s a fucking old-timey disease.  That’s like dying of “the summer complaint” or milk leg.

Exactly. (Milk Leg!!!) … Two important points: Yes it’s really easy to prevent rickets: Don’t be an infant who is a vegan with no vitamin D in your diet.  And yes, it’s easy to treat rickets … Vitamin D.  It’s also now very easy to prevent polio, amoebic dysentery, and plague.  Diseases that killed you on the Oregon Trail, shouldn’t be a threat anymore.  If your kid dies of cholera, why were you bathing him in a dirty puddle?!?  Or you should have just caulked the wagon.  Your fault.  

And they’ve made a lot about this vegan diet that the parents were on, but I don’t know why.  There are plenty of vegan options for a five month old, provided you don’t also sequester them from medicine and try to stupid the malnutrition away instead.

Here’s a statement from Justice Singh, who apparently had to explain his reasoning when he ruled that when you murder your child because you’re stupid, it has to be at least a little bit illegal: (quote)

Did he just say “fuckin duh?”.  I’m betting “fucking duh.”

“The law respects the right of everyone to freedom of thought and belief.  However the right to manifest one’s religion is not absolute. It is limited in particular by the rights of others. The state has a particularly important duty to protect the right to life, especially when a young child is concerned.” (end quote)

So besides turning pro-life rhetoric against religion (tastes bitter doesn’t it), the Justice makes an extremely important distinction, that is really the crux of every argument about this.  You can think and believe whatever you want, but you can’t manifest those beliefs in ways that threaten the lives of others, especially five-month-old children that are yours!!!

I noticed he also said that the couple’s views on Seventh Day Adventism were (quote) “very extreme and do not reflect the official doctrine of the church” (end quote) as though this absolves the religion from any wrong doing.  Sorry, your honor, but anybody who pretended god existed or prayer did stuff has at least a little of this kid’s blood on their hands.

That’s right.  A little bit of small pox infested infant blood on your hands.  Can’t feel as good as you thought it would.  Because you build it up as this great thing in your head.  Inevitable letdown.

Parents jailed after trying to pray away baby’s fatal disease: http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/feb/28/parents-jailed-manslaughter-baby-rickets

And in “I’d Never Have Molested Them if You Aborted Them” news tonight, the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is blaming a mother for allowing her children to be molested by one of their priests.

Well, he was a priest…

Reverend Curtis Wehmeyer, who I’ll grant couldn’t look more like a kiddie-diddler without a Pee-Wee Herman suit, molested two of her sons, age 12 and 14 and, upon discovering that the archdiocese knew he was a sexual predator before they hired him, she sued.  And apparently they’re going with the “what kind of responsible parent would leave her kids with a Catholic priest?” defense.

Corollary to the “What kind of God would allow 12 and 14-year-old kids to be raped, without letting their mother win a large settlement which correctly puts a dollar value on the consent virginity and regular virginity of a child” … defense.

The mother was an employee of the church and felt that Wehmeyer (quote) “needed some friends” (end quote).  So that nobody could mistake them for just half-assed evil, the archdiocese refused to let her use sick days or vacation days to care for her kids after this all came to light.  What’s more, they reneged on a promise to pay for the kid’s therapy and they cut her hours back.  And then they went to her house and ripped her kitten to pieces in front of her and pissed on her rug.

Minnesota diocese blames mom for letting her kids get molested by their priest: http://www.alternet.org/belief/outrageous-church-blames-mother-pedophile-priest-molesting-her-two-sons

And in “Praising the Steaks” news, the Kentucky Baptist Convention is promoting what they call “Second Amendment Celebrations”, encouraging churches to give away dead cow slices and deadly firearms to local heathens, if they’re willing to open a trial account with God.  And despite nearly everyone in these flyover areas already owning livestock and murder weapons, the soul bribery seems to be working.   

What’s funny is that in a way this reminds me of the story we covered a couple weeks ago about the racist “black history month” lunch menu.  Because “Steak and guns” is probably the white trash equivalent of offering black people watermelon and cornbread.  Except in this case the race being stereotyped is too stupid to realize it.

Their plan – reportedly labeled “outreach to rednecks” by a spokesman – sounds a lot like animated wabbit hunting … Luring godless Tea Partyers under a box, floating them by their nose with the cartoon smell of animal blood and gun oil, and then knocking the stick out that holds the box up.

Ooh… piece of candy.

Also, I’d like to preserve any extra half-minute segments we might have, so I’ll just quickly add, that a redneck meat retailer slash arms dealer should be called “Pistol Peter Luger”, “Beefed-Up Security”, or “Wal-Mart”.

Glad this is working, because plan B was the Duck Dynasty sex tape giveaway.  And if you thought their facial hair was nasty…

Steak and guns for Jesus: http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20140228/FEATURES10/302280129/Kentucky-Baptists-use-gun-giveaways-lure-unchurched-men-Christ?nclick_check=1

And in “Bowing toward Megatron” news, an Iranian school teacher has developed the perfect Muslim; an unthinking automaton that does nothing useful and prays five times a day.  Akbar Rezaie, who teaches mythology and doesn’t realize it at an elementary school in the Iranian town of Varamin has recently unveiled a small humanoid robot that he created to help teach children how to properly appease Muslim God.

If you follow the Koran and get to the Allah-Spark, you get 72 unused Sybian machines.  Brand spankin’ new.   

Rezaie hopes his robot will help make prostrating oneself before an invisible warlock “cool” again.  Some people have criticized him for using cutting edge science to promote the opposite of science, but those allegations clearly overlook what a low-tech piece of shit his little robot really is.

What’s the robot’s name? … HALal 9000??? …

Also, I’d like to quickly note that the evil computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey” has the same name as Halliburton’s ticker symbol.

I’ll alert Alex Jones immediately.

Iranian teacher makes Prayer-bot: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/iranian-school-teacher-builds-robot-to-teach-children-prayers-9154038.html

And in “Catholic GeStopHo” news, an anti-prostitution operation in Phoenix, Arizona called Project ROSE is detaining suspected sex workers at a local church, and forcing them to choose between religious propaganda class and jail.  And that’s a tough call, considering it’s risky to drop the soap at either venue.

Tough call… I don’t want Jesus inside me, but I don’t want Jesús inside me, either.

The orgasm specialists who wish to avoid prison must complete a 36-hour Jesus sexuality class, which teaches great ideas like prostitutes not using condoms.

(Or getting abortions)

In order to pass the program – which has a reported 30% graduation rate – the accused must also display sufficient amounts of sadness and shame.  All sounds awful and stupid, but there is some good news … The First Amendment says the police have to wrangle whore-interns for atheist clubs too.  

Now you tell me.

As long as we’ve got a bunch of sex workers forced into cages at church … The stage is set … And also, in honor of the Oscars last weekend … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Porn Parodies of Best Picture Nominees” … GO!!!

Okay, but first I want to thank god for giving me an award I don’t deserve rather than curing the disease the movie was about in the first place.  And of course, the movie I’m referring to is The Phallus Buyers Club.

Good movie to watch with a cocktail …

What about: 12 Years Old A Slave

Topical.  How about Little Mister Sunshine?

Kneeling in the Confessional Booth: Tales From The Squirt Locker

Diddler on the Roof… On the Roofies?

In the Shame of the Father  

Fetal Attraction

Semen on the Brokeback Mount

The Maltese Fuckin’

The, uh, stuff that wet dreams are made of …

Lord of the Cock Rings Third Leg: The Second Coming of the King

Father Cassidy and the Un-pantsed Kid

The Father’s the Butch, and the kid’s the bitch …  

50 Shekels of Silver Linings Playbook

Starring Jennifer Lawrence of the Labia?

Good climax, but it’s missing something … Might be “Consent of a Woman”

A Vicar Named Desire?

This doesn’t really count, but you’re gonna want some Schindler’s Listerine on set.

The Pleasure of the Sierra Padre

Working on a double, for the bonus points  in Splatter-gories …

The Fugitive Priest: Around the World in 80 Gays

Million Dollar Baby-Fucking Settlement

Finding Neverland Ranch: The Kids Are All Tight

I think I already used “Priests of the Southern Child” for something, didn’t I?

You can reuse them.  Okay one more try at the double bonus …

Vishnu’s Avat-Argo Fuck Yourself??? … I’ll show myself out.

Sex workers can have church or jail: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/28/project-rose-offers-sex-workers-a-choice-church-or-prison/

That’s alright, the band was playing us off anyway.  So I guess that’ll do it for headlines this week, Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here to give you a double dose of biblical boredom.

 Skit:

Hilarious email that I got this week that I absolutely had to share.  If this is legit, and it honestly looks like it is, it’s from Ray Comfort.  Apparently he’s aware of some aspects of our show and not others and he sent me this really complimentary message about how important it is for atheists to read the bible and how he’s sure Jesus will reveal himself to me along the way.

In fact, I guess he was so impressed by our commitment to get a broader perspective on the bible, he wanted to do, you know, whatever the theistic equivalent would be.  Try something out that he dislikes and disagrees with in order to widen his perspective on it.  So I guess him and Ken Ham got together and tried out gay sex.

And, as luck would have it, they were nice enough to send me audio of that erotic encounter.

I’m Ken Ham

Hi, I’m Ray Comfort

Well good evening.

When I arrived you had a hotel for me and a fruit basket

Oh he’s tall and muscley

Say that again?

He’s tall and he’s handsome and he’s the star. I’d really like to go out with him.

Thank you

Why do we wear clothes?

Well we all do that

See unless they’re taken off…

Can I just stop you there?

Don’t be intimidated.

There’s nothing I have to look at and say I’m embarrassed.

When it’s okay, whip it out.

Behold!

That’s a pretty big number, isn’t it?

How can you look at this beautiful creation and not give praise?

It’s enormous!

Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand

A perfect creation

There’s a point at the top for easy entry and it’s just the right shape for the human mouth.

We weren’t told we could eat meat.

It’s even curved toward the face to make the process easier.

Yet another poke in the eye.

The contents don’t squirt in your face

But you don’t know and there’s a lot of evidence that that’s not so.

Okay it’s my turn

Check it out

There’s nothing I have to look at…

You don’t see that?

No I don’t.

I’m sort of little

Your dick.  It’s this magic wand of nothing.

It’s not the outside that matters, it’s the inside.

Sir, this is a very important issue.

Now I want you to look at my point.

Well I said it was pathetic when I started

And what I want to show you is how this works.

Could you explain it to me?

This is where it comes from, right here.

That’s common sense.

Even if you’ve got a dead stick.

But you’re… you’re sprung.

There’s a book out there… With this diagram… They’re sitting one on top of the other

Why?

To make it gay

Tell me why

You’ll learn the lesson the hard way

If you could put your finger on…

No no no no no

Here’s a fork, stick it in there

But there’s limits.

Anything that fits.

No.  We’re gonna look at dogs to help us understand this

I’ve gotta get to the bottom of this.

You know there was plenty of room.

Okay here it is

Okay, Alright 

Oh, god!

Oh… oh…

And it’s a little difficult

It’s easy if you try

(Oh’s, Gods and Lords)

Wow!

This is so radical it’ll blow your mind

Of course it is

Sir I can’t go on, my brain is full

You have to let me finish

Would you come?

I came

You’re an animal.

Put another notch in my belt.

Why haven’t we already done this?

 

Babble:

Originally, the books of Ezra and Nehemiah were a single book and remain intact in the Hebrew Bible, which is odd, because the Hebrews aren’t really known for leaving things intact.  Anyway, since they’re both short and they more or less tell a linear story, we elected to double up this week and give you twice the Babble.

Anything that gets us through it quicker.  So in honor of Noah turning thirty-mumble, we decided to party hard with our Hebrew Lit Book Club.  So happy birthday Noah!!!

And joining us, of course, in this masochistic endeavor is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

We always meet under the worst circumstances, the three of us..

Alright, so when we last left our intrepid heroes, they were scraping their way out of exile in Babylon.

  1. Thanks to the good King Cyrus.  He sends word to all the Jews that they can go back to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, and he even gives back all the vessels of the house of the lord that Nebuchadnezzar stole

  1. And apparently as they were reinhabiting the promised land they went through an amusement park  turnstile and somebody checked IDs or something because in chapter two we get a precise headcount.

  • You approach the turnstiles leading into the ancient Jerusalem circus, and you know that when you get there, you have to give the man 2 shekels or he won’t let you in. But when you get there, everything goes wrong …  

“Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine.”

  1. First things first, they celebrate Sukkot and then get to work rebuilding their temple.

  • The Sukkot tents doubled as a circus venue.  

  1. But the man always be holdin’ ‘em down.  They start trying to build their temple but then the kids from the “cool” fraternity show up and start making trouble for them, so they have to stop.

  • “So you guys remember that Jewish tribe we enslaved, that we definitely can’t trust because we enslaved them after centuries of genocidal warfare? … Well Cyrus let them start building a giant God Castle again.  Could be real God.  Our prayers don’t do shit.  Is this something we need to worry about?”

  1. And you can tell that the bronze age FCC was getting on their ass about all the wars and genocides in season one, because when shit hits the fan in Ezra we get a vigorous letter-writing campaign.

  • I was hoping they would address the paperwork situation.  Because building a temple, to an exotic God, without a permit, with- …

  • Within the Jerusalem city limits.  That ain’t legal either.

  • I thought this was Trans-Euphrates?!?  Are we not in Trans-Euphrates?!?

  1. Eventually the Jews find all the necessary receipts and what-not and get permission to finish their temple, which they do.

    1. And that’s great unless, of course, you’re a local bull, ram, lamb or goat, in which case you’ll be brutally slaughtered to appease Jew-God’s bloodlust.

  2. And now that we’re two thirds of the way through the book we meet the titular Ezra, who know his Mosaic law like nobody’s business.  And on the merit of this, King Artaxerxes gives him all of Jerusalem.

    1. And then all of a sudden we’re in the first person, which is odd.

  • Taking over as objective narrator in God’s book … The balls on this guy!!!

  1. So Ezra gathers a sufficient number of Jews, divvies up the cash, fast for a while and then head to the newly rebuilt temple.

  2. Then he makes it very clear to everyone that the reason god exiled them was obvious: They weren’t being racist enough.  So he make sure everyone knows to be extra racist this time around.

    1. He even says that they can’t see to the “peace and prosperity” of the neighboring tribes so you’re not even allowed to be just passively racist.

  • The Middle East is like the crazy kid in school getting tricked into fighting the even crazier other kid.  It’s a fun TV show for atheists … “Deluded Giant Squid vs. Equally Naive But Tribally Different Mega Shark”

  1. So to keep Jew god from getting pissy again, Ezra orders anyone who married a foreigner to send away their wives and children… 

  • And there’s even a detailed miscegeny list, with all the people who cheated and gave their kids illegal performance enhancers like dominant DNA.

So obviously Ezra just blew the right scribe to get his own book in the bible.  The same is almost certainly true of Nehemiah, whose claim to fame was building a wall where once there was only most of a wall.

  • 1.  Right.  First we meet Nehemiah, who spends chapter one shitting all over Ezra, basically.  They rebuilt the temple, so he decides to lament the fact that they didn’t also do the wall.

  • 2.  So Nehemiah is all bummed.  Meanwhile he’s landed this awesome gig “bearing the king’s cup” if you know what I mean.

    • So King Artaxerxes asks what he’s so bummed about, he tells him and the king’s like “Oh, here’s some lumber and stone.  Have at it.”

    • Then he inspects the wall, including the unfortunately named “Dung Gate”

    • Talk about using the rear entrance

    • And then you get some blatant evidence planting.  They’re working on the rebuild, and three rival officias – a Horonite, an Ammonite, and an Arab  – might as well walk into a Jewish bar, and ask Nehemiah if his crew is gonna rebel against the king.  So Nehemiah – as if wearing a wire – says: “Hello three people that represent the historical property rights of your entire future race, who agree that you have no claim, share, or historic right to Jerusalem whatsoever say-nothing-if-you-agree-forever-Done. Why do you guys care?!? “

  • 3.  And everybody goes out “Hands across Jerusalem” style and they all fix a little section of the wall.

  • 6.  And Sanballat, the mean-girl from a cheerleading movie of biblical villains, starts writing letters to Nehemiah telling him he’s gonna spread rumors about him and blow his boyfriend if he doesn’t stop building his wall.

  • 7.  And in case you missed the exhaustive list of which tribes all the returning exiles were from, we get it again in chapter seven.

    • If you want the book to be longer, just increase the margins, or the font size.  Or add some chapters about morality.  Or being reasonable.  Or a “how-to” guide on reading allegories.  Plenty of options.  

  • 8.  Then they all get together to love god and live in booths.

  • 9.  And to be honest, I’m half convinced that if you started reading the bible at chapter nine of Nehemiah, you wouldn’t have missed much.  Because Ezra spends this extremely long chapter going on and on about how awesome god is by rehashing most of the shit that’s happened so far in the book.

  • 10. Then he drives home the two main points of the last six or seven books: One, god needs you to kill a lot of goats for him, and two, don’t forget to be racist.  Whatever you do, don’t interbreed with any of those foreigners.

    • Yeah, let’s keep all these recessive genes to ourselves.

    • Withholding the blind, translucent, polydactyl piano prodigy.  Smart.

    • “Stay Pale on three!  One, two, three: STAY PALE!!!  Jew-Ra!!!”

  • 11. And lest you think we’re shitting you about how boring this book is, they spend chapter eleven telling which people moved to which towns as they repopulated.

    • “What?!?  I’m making a detailed list of all the Jewish people, and their addresses … How would this backfire?!?”

  • 12. And in a valiant effort to make chapter eleven seem interesting, they spend most of chapter twelve explaining who stood where during the ribbon cutting on their new wall.

  • 13. Nehemiah then makes the mistake of turning his back for a second and within a few days priests are setting up rooms for their old frat buddies in the temple, they’re working on the Sabbath, they’re marrying foreigners.

    • Yeah, so he beats them and pulls out their hair.

    • Literally – Handfuls of soul-less ginger clumps.

    • Heck of a guy that Nehemiah.

So yeah, in summary the Jews are back and they have a temple and a wall again.

That’s all they really needed to say.

Esther’s up next and that’s another short one but it’s gonna get it’s own segment in episode 58 because something tells me we’re gonna want to spend a whole episode on Job.  Anyway, thanks for bearing with it, guy and gal.

Outro:

Before we get played off tonight, I wanted to let everyone know about something I’m rather stoked about.  At the behest of a number of listeners I spent the last few weeks compiling the first fifty diatribes into book form.  Many of them have been rewritten or lengthened, and I’ve added a few paragraphs of introduction to each one so you can think of it as the director’s cut of the diatribes.  More than a third of the book is all new material and that should be available as an ebook on the twentieth of March.  We hope to have physical copies available by ReasonCon at the beginning of May.  We’ll be talking that up a bunch over the next couple of weeks.

And if you were hoping for a poem tonight, sorry about that.  It’ll be on next week’s show.  Part of that was to make room for the scandalous Ham/Comfort sex tape, but after some discussion with Heath and Lucinda we’re all of the mind that it generally makes more sense to do the bible poems after we’ve reviewed the books in question rather than before.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Between now and then I have to thank Heath for his continued commitment to excellence in excrement jokes; I need to thank Lucinda for all that she brings to the show and I need to thank David for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and for his incredible generosity.  Here’s hoping he sparked a bidding war to claim the title of our most generous donor ever.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans; Paul, Rebekah, Michael, Crystal, Andrew, Shane and Joel.  Paul, whose mighty fists serve as the primary backup system for the Large Hadron Collider; Rebekah, who’s such a badass she has to let alligators tag-team when she wrestles them; Michael, whose dick is so big it has Lagrangian points; Crystal, whose intellect is so vast it could hold two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean one; Andrew who’s too sexy to play Jesus; Shane, whose biceps are powerful enough to run the flux capacitor; and Joel, who’s so hot Stacy’s mom sings songs about him.

These bright, shining examples of altruism have earned their spot in my anti-Putin bunker this week by giving us money.  Only the smartest, strongest, sexiest secularists have what it takes to give us money, but if you feel like you’ve got all the requisite silibants, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And, of course, if you love the show but you spent your entertainment budget on Romanian vampire porn, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or whatever place you prefer to leave glowing podcast reviews.  And if you just can’t get enough of us, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube and check out our erratically published blog.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 54 – Partial Transcript

February 27, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains at-symbols, ampersands, pound signs and exclamation points.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Christian flavored brand of lion food; Kibble and Twits.  Every bag is fortified with 9 denominations and minerals.

Kibbles and Twits: Because Christians are gonna act like they’re being persecuted one way or the other.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 27th

And Dunkin’ Donuts has a new donut filled with cookie dough.  My stomach cancer just got diabetus.

Im Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Ray Felton can point and shoot” New York, New York

And “Anyone can point and shoot” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode:

  • Drive-by baptists hold super soakers sideways gangster style.

  • Malaysia does something dumb even for a country that arrests coconuts,

  • And gay people will go to hell.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

If you were ever curious what Heath, Lucinda and I look like, we can now offer you an answer to that question.  We appeared on the vlogcast “Holy Crap!” with friend of the show Shujin Tribble last week, and the episode is archived on You Tube and you can find a link to it, of course, on the shownotes for this episode.  I should warn you, though, that according to the feedback we’ve gotten so far, we’re younger, older, thinner, fatter, better and worse looking than you think we are.

But the reason I bring it up is that one of the questions that came up deserved a little more reflection than I could offer on the show.  Shujin was hosting a panel discussion and he posed us all a common question amongst atheists: What evidence would it take to convince you that there was a god?

I’ve heard all manner of answers to this question in the past.  Usually atheists offer some universally (or near universally) observable phenomenon; something that can be scientifically tested; something that would be unambiguous.  And when we offer this, we’re falling into the theists trap.  I remember listening to friend of the show and master-debater Justin Schieber answering this question by challenging god to write something in the sky by realigning stars.

This seems a reasonable request of an omnipotent being, but it elicited a laugh from the audience.  To the religious onlookers, it seemed like he was asking for a ridiculously high standard of evidence, even if they believed that what he was asking for was well within the purview of their god.

One of my favorite answers, and I’ll apologize in advance to whoever originated it, as I can’t recall where I first heard it, is that it’s a pointless question.  I might not know what evidence it would take to convince me that there is an all-powerful god, but by definition, god would.  He would obviously be capable of revealing his existence in a way that would convince me, even if no ready example of such an act comes to mind.

Normally I’d have gone with an answer similar to this, but I’d been mulling something over all day that I’d heard on the Thinking Atheist.  Seth Andrews, who has one of the best atheist podcasts on the interwebs, by the way, was doing an episode about “divine protection”.  He started by talking about that nincompoop snake-handler Heath and I discussed last week, and then went on to catalogue all manner of maladies that had befallen priests and preachers in churches; often during service.

He was pointing out, of course, that god was failing in his charge to protect the faithful.  Why wouldn’t god tell the snake handler “not tonight, bro”, or turn the poison into hemoglobin or something?  Why would a tornado hit a church full of devout worshippers and miss the crack house down the street?

I was thinking about all that while the other panelists offered the typical answers.  All good answers, mind you; things like running a chemical process in reverse; stopping all aircraft in flight at the same time; speaking to everyone in a language that they could all understand.

But when it came to my turn, I lowered the bar of evidence.  Instead of looking for what it would take to make a believer out of me, I looked at what it would take to move me into the “maybe” category.  What would it take to give me pause.  And when you look at the question like that, god’s job gets pretty damn easy.

So god, if you want me to stop doing this show, here’s all it would take: Show me evidence that churches are less likely to be hit by lightening.  Just show me unambiguous, verifiable data that shows that a place of worship is statistically less likely to get hit by lightening.  Or earthquakes.  Or hurricanes.  Show me evidence that devout people are less likely to get cancer than heathens.  Show me that people who are prayed for recover quicker than people who aren’t.  Show me just one tiny shred of statistically significant evidence that there’s a reason to even ask the question, “Is there a god?”

Look, I’m asking for almost nothing here.  Eternal life is something I’d be thrilled to be wrong about.  But even when you lower the bar of evidence all the way to the floor, god can’t slither over it.

 

Skit:

Ooh… slither over it, he says… that son of a bitch.  I hate that podcast so much!!

Don’t be so filled with hate, dad.  You’ve gotta learn to let go.  And I told you that adding free will in the beta version was gonna be trouble.

Shut up, Jesus!  Man, if I had some brimstone, I’d splatter that little twerp.

I told you not to use so much on the dinosaurs.

They were eating meat on Fridays!  I’d already shortened their arms to keep ‘em from beating off and they were still sinning!

I’m just saying you shouldn’t get yourself so worked up.

Jesus, I’ll crucify you again if you don’t back off.

Well it you’re so pissed about it, why don’t you just provide some evidence?  You know, divinely cure cancer or something?  Or any other single, tangible thing.  

Oh yeah, Jesus… really mysterious.  You’d make a terrible god.

(under his breath)…you make a terrible god.

What was that?!?

Pretty sure you heard me.

I’ll beat you like a red-handed stepchild!

You’re not my real dad!!!

It’s complicated.  I’m God.   And you’re my son.  And you’re  also God.   And then there’s this holy ghost.  And then there’s that guy Joseph I cuckolded.  But as long as you live in my universe, you live under my rules…

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is armchair intactivist Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to fight for the Jewish baby dicks?

Hey, circumcise matters.

In our lead story tonight, Denmark has passed a law banning the barbaric practice of Kosher and Halal slaughter in favor of the nominally less barbaric practice of knocking their brains around with that thing Javier Bardem had in No Country for Old Men.  The move has been applauded by animal rights minimalists all over the world, though vegans are still being kind of douchey about it.

And in Vonnegutian headline format: “On the scale of animal cruelty, a Kosher-One is a Slaughterhouse-Five.” … And yes, vegans are correct in pointing out that almost every meat supply chain is completely disgusting … But that sickly, feeble voice ruins everything they say.  Vegan Babies – Breakfast of Champions!!!

Kosher practices stipulate that an animal can’t be stunned before slaughter, must be killed with a single slit to the throat and must bleed to death afterwards.  According to primary sources, failing to meet with these strict dietary requirements can lead to being smited by brimstone, stricken with leprosy or condemned to wander in deserts for decades at a time.

How does a Jewish person even know that they’re getting legit Kosher stuff?  What if the cow has a coronary while it’s waiting on line?  Does the steakhouse give you an autopsy report?!?

Critics of the ban call it anti-semitic because you might as well play the cards you’re holding, but supporters point out that Denmark’s new law forbids the Kosher slaughter of Jewish cows and chickens as well.  Muslims, of course, are also getting all stupid about this because Allah copied his homework off of Jew-God.

Denmark bans Kosher and Halal animal torture: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2014/2/19/halal-kosher-slaughter-banned-in-denmark-as-minister-insists-animal-rights-come-before-religion

Who copied it off that Asian kid … And in “Charlatan North Carolina” news, Pastor Steven Furtick – of Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina – has written up a playbook for tricking large groups into getting baptised.  Wanting to up his scientific street cred, he borrows his techniques largely from Las Vegas stage hypnotists.  God is a numbers game for multi-national mega-church conglomerates like this one, so they keep track of these baptism stats like serial rapists keep notches on a headboard.

You told me that your cat did that…

I don’t have a cat- I mean I sometimes catsit for people- It doesn’t matter.  Moving on.  Among other disingenuous strategies, Furtick suggests that the church set up plants in the audience, to help start the momentum of consent to the pier pressure.  And to falsely inflate the apparent pious stupidity of younger generations, he suggests that the youngest plants run to the front of the “disgusting public bath line”, when the pastor announces the Mass Baptism Ambush.  This is also logistically better – he notes – because old people take forever to get changed into their water rape attire, which will tend to hold up the line.     

Why not a secret trap door like Sweeney Todd or Jabba the Hutt?  Or just have a pool party and when nobody’s looking you can bless the shallow end and dump in some of that fecal-matter infested holy water they love so much.

Considering how much they love to brainwash young people, I’m surprised they didn’t go with more of a Nickelodeon theme.  You ask everyone at the service a simple trivia question about Jesus, to which every baptised Christian would know the answer.  And then anyone in the audience who said “I don’t know” would have green slime (made with holy water) dropped on their head from above their pew.   

I am automatically friends with anybody who gets that joke.

Spontaneous Baptisms: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/is-anyone-really-surprised-by-elevation-churchs-spontaneous-baptisms

And in other North Carolina licking monkey spunk news tonight, Kalei Wilson, a 15 year old high school student in Canton, North Carolina, has been forced to abandon plans to start a secular student’s club after receiving death threats from all those “other cheek” turners we hear so much about.

Death threats?!?  Except for church, every club is a secular club.

Good point, but that didn’t stop the school from blocking her attempt to start the club on account o’ Jesus wouldn’t approve, but Wilson fought back with the help of the Secular Student Alliance, the Freedom From Religion Foundation and the ACLU.  Eventually the school realized they couldn’t win this legally so the Christians went with what they know; bullying.

They could have burned her at the stake.  The womens’ movement has taken small steps in this area.

In the latest chapter of this saga, the following message appeared on the group’s fundraising page yesterday: (quote) “It saddens us to report that due to the numerous threats and verbal attacks on Kalei along with the vindictive witch-hunt to hurt the reputations of affiliated groups and our family, Kalei will not be continuing with the group.”

So congratulations, Christianity.  You’ve bullied a teenage girl into abandoning something she fought tooth and nail for and has a legal right to.  Because, like Jesus said, “What you do to the least of my children is all good if it keeps some atheists from doing a bake-sale for the Foundation Beyond Belief”

What do these people think kids would do at a secular club?!?  

Well our Canton, North Carolina, listeners should be on the look out for a great deal on a cancelled baby buffet.

15 Year old receives death threats and cancels planned Humanist club: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/after-long-battle-to-form-high-school-atheist-group-student-bows-out-after-numerous-threats-and-verbal-attacks/

And in “How Many Lepers Do I Have to Hug to Counteract This?” news tonight, MedStar Washington Hospital Center’s Catholic Chaplain Brian Coelho is a callous bastard with a heart of lumpy pigeon shit.  According to heart attack patient Ronald Plishka, the Reverend refused him last rites upon learning that Plishka was gay.

Sorry but I have ZERO sympathy here.  If you believe in the teachings of Christianity, and you’re gay, then you already know that you’re going to hell.  So the deathbed slam poetry from the bigoted Reverend shouldn’t really matter to you, should it?!?   

The lumpy pigeon shit hearted bastard has refused opportunities to respond to these allegations, though the hospital has made it clear that if they prove true it would mean that Coelho is an asshole.

Okay, but I do see where the asshole’s coming from.  The gay guy’s about to die, and he’s trying to make some bullshit last-second promise to stop being gay for the next 10 living minutes.  If I’m the chaplain there, I’d be pissed about the loophole.  Maybe blow the guy at the last second before he dies for spite.  

Well as much as I’d love to join you in the sympathy boycott, there was a particular quote that tugged at my heartstrings.  Apparently Plishka got pissed off right afterwards and cussed at the priest on his way out the door.  Upon reflecting on this and the fact that he didn’t receive his cracker or whatever, he told reporters that (quote) “I’m thinking I’m going to rot in hell now […] I’m not perfect, believe me.  And I wouldn’t wish [being gay] on anyone.” (end quote).  So it wasn’t enough for this religion to ruin this dude’s life with their bigotry… they’re also hell bent on ruining his death.

Catholic Priest denies last rites to a gay dude: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/gay-patient-says-catholic-chaplain-refused-him-last-rites/2014/02/19/35d163f6-99b1-11e3-80ac-63a8ba7f7942_story.html

And from the “Nobody Cares About Malaysia Comma However” file: Newspaper printers in Malaysia averted disaster by censoring several images of entire naked pigs, that almost went to press in an International New York Times article.  Instead, the otherwise riot-inciting pig pics appeared with their faces blacked out.  Despite hearing the black face thing totally out of context, Al Sharpton, Nat X, and Jesse Jackson have already made angry, public, rhyming responses.  

Nat X, huh?  The man so black fireflies follow him around in the day time?  Awesome.  I love that it was the pigs faces they blacked out.  Were they looking particularly “come hither”?  Were they concealing the pig’s identities in case of retaliation?  I mean look, if they were censoring their pig-tits and pork swords that would still be fucking hilarious, but the eyes!?

There are rumors suggesting this may be a spiteful response by the Malaysian Muslims, to a recent incident in which a respected jihadist was denied entrance into a particular house of bricks, that even his explosives couldn’t blow down.  Reports suggest the inhabitant even made a derogatory remark, about the ridiculous pubic-like bush of hair on his (quote) “chinny chin chin” area.       

Yeah, but I hear that dude’s under suspicion as well.  In Malaysia it’s illegal to huff, puff and blow, so…

Crafty swine … Here’s a statement from the printing company: (quote) “This is a Muslim country so we covered the pigs’ eyes. We usually do that for the International New York Times – also for pictures of cigarettes, weapons, guns and nude pictures.” (end quote) … Censorship is stupid in general, but how did they come up with that list of exactly 4 things?!? … Can everyone fill in the bubble under the one that doesn’t belong?  Cigarettes, weapons, porn, Charlotte’s Web.     

Weapons, cigarettes,  and porn, eh?  Like I said, huff, puff and blow.

Malaysian Printer puts black censor bars over pig’s faces.  And yes, really: http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/jan/23/censorship-malaysia

And in “Rock out with your flock out” news tonight, we bring you the story of Allen Parker, a Virginia pastor who prefers to praise Jesus with his metronome swinging.  Parker has invited his congregants to worship with him each Sunday in the nude, citing biblical justifications like the story of Adam and Eve and, I shit you not, the fact that Jesus was born naked.

But Jesus was born an atheist, so …

Guess he didn’t think of that.  Parker, whose body is less of a temple and more of a stupa, explains that in his church (quote) “there’s not a feeling that you have to be better than one another, physically” (end quote), a point that he drives home by being as physically imperfect as one can be and still be ambulatory.

When they go to Waffle House after church, these must be the only Christians with a tip for the waitress.

And since they laid down the gauntlet when they named their church full of naked, pasty caucasians the “White Tail Chapel”, I say we up the ante.  So 30 seconds on the clock, “Alternate Names for the Nudist Church”.  Go!

The Assless Chapel

Nice.  How about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Taints?

Home of the all-nude Mormon Flabernacle Choir

Motor Boat-re Dame

Well played – I was thinking … Scrotre Dame Cathedral: Let Your Buttresses Fly

Missionary Position Baptist

The Testi-Clesiastical Church: Baal’s Sack Religious

Baby Got Saddleback

Follow the fold … What about … Young Girth Creationists: Hung Wide Like Jesus

Saint Catheter’s Cathedral

Westminster Grabby

Well, St. Peter’s works already, but I’m gonna go with St. Peter’s Ba-silicone Implants.

Nudist church: http://www.atheistrepublic.com/news/church-promotes-nude-worship-because-jesus-was-born-naked

And finally tonight, in “Zoro-Astronaut” news, a fatwa committee in the United Arab Emirates has proclaimed it immoral and therefore illegal to travel to Mars.  Because of all the immoral acts committed by Muslims, their ambitious, meteoric rise in the space travel community is clearly the most troubling.  

In defense of the Islamic Space program, they’ve been trying to get bits and pieces of their followers into orbit for years.

According to Khaleej Times, the committee released the following statement: (quote) “Such a one-way journey poses a real risk to life, and that can never be justified in Islam.  There is a possibility that an individual who travels to planet Mars may not be able to remain alive there, and is more vulnerable to death.”  But the same could be said of New York City, for a Muslim immigrant, so …

No, the NYPD keeps a close eye on them… makes sure they’re safe.

I think the legislation needs some clarification.  Will a Muslim wishing to kill himself on Mars still be required to purchase a round-trip ticket?  Can he perform exorcisms on possessed Martian Unicorns?  And as long as they’ve got that committee together, and they’ve already come out against the suicide part of suicide bombing … maybe go that extra mile.  The bombing part is pretty bad too.  Just saying.

Fatwa forbids Muslims from living on Mars: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/20/mars-fatwa_n_4823059.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

I guess we’ll have to close on that conundrum.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, Bitches!

And when we come back we’ll push the limits of how many things rhyme with Chronicle.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the few minutes we usually remember to set aside every month to talk up all the great atheist, skeptical and otherwise secular meetups going on around the country and around the world.

A lot of really good stuff coming up in the spring, so I’ll go quick:

Aron Ra; Matt Dillahunty and Seth Andrews are teaming up for the “Unholy Trinity Tour”; they’ll be in Amarillo on March 22nd, Albuquerque on May 3rd and San Antonio on June 28th.  Hopefully they’ll be adding dates and venues, so we’ll try to keep you abreast of that.

http://unitedcor.org/nm/page/unholy-trinity-tour

For our British listeners, the AHS National Convention is coming up on the weekend of March 7th in London.  AC Grayling and Simon Singh top a fantastic guest list.

http://ahsstudents.org.uk/convention/

Also ThinkCon is coming up on March 15th in Cambridge.  The lineup is a great mix of comedians and science popularizers and the topics look fantastic.

http://thinkoutreach.org/ThinkCon/

Back in the states.  Reasonfest welcomes Darrel Ray, Matt Dillahunty, Ed Brayton and many more to Lawrence, Kansas April 4th and 5th,

http://kusoma.org/reasonfest/

You’ve got Freethought Fest 3 coming up in Madison, Wisconsin April 11th to the 13th.  Mythbuster and rationalist extraordinaire Adam Savage is gonna be there this year, which is pretty awesome.

http://freethoughtfestival.org/

But of course, I left out the biggest one of the season.  And no, I’m not talking about the American Atheists National Convention in Salt Lake City on Easter weekend. http://www.atheists.org/convention2014

And I’m not talking about the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism or “NECSS” going on April 12th and 13th in New York City. http://necss.org/necss-2014/schedule/

And I’m also not talking about QED in Manchester on the same weekend. https://qedcon.org/

All those are sure to be fantastic, but the one that the atheist world will be abuzz about is the inaugural ReasonCon in Hickory North Carolina on Saturday, May 3rd.  They’re keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, (PhD); they’ve also got Tracie Harris of Atheist Experience fame, Cash and Love from the hilarious “Atheists on Air” podcast and more.

But perhaps least notably, they’re also the first secular convention that had the guts to invite Heath, Lucinda and myself so we’ll see if we can make ‘em regret that a little.  That’s Saturday, May 3rd, it’s just outside of beautiful Asheville, North Carolina and it’s free

http://mythunderstoodalliance.com/announcing-reasoncon-free/

If you want more info, check the shownotes for episode 54 for links to the homepages of all of these events.  If you’re involved with an atheist event that could use a free plug, let me know.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Poem:

2 Chronicles in Rhyme

Run and grab your monocles, it’s time to read 2 Chronicles,

The fucking thing’s canonical, so we have to read it through.

The task is astronomical, ‘cause it just goes on and on, it’s bull,

So grab a gin and tonic-I’ll, hope that Adam Sandler doesn’t sue.

So when we finished with First Chronicles, David’s kingship was phenomenal,

But now he’s up and gone and all, so Solomon ascends.

He was wise and philosophical, with a penchant to be prodigal,

So he built a house for God with all, the golden odds and ends.

The dedication was symphonical, with musicians all harmonical

It was downright histrionical; it could not be overstated.

But I find it quite ironical, that they praise him as so logical,

His designs weren’t economical, even the gold there was gold plated.

He soon became iconical, so the queen of Sheba thought it optimal

To see if god remembered anatomical, when selecting what to bless.

So she got all theosophical, and he was cooler than a popsicle.

Was the visit conjugal?  Well that’s anybody’s guess.

Rehoboam’s reign was volatile, there was rift damn near tectonic-You’ll,

See the fights were periodic ‘til, the whole kingdom split apart.

Then Abijah got sardonical, and god goes pathological,

He gets divinely gastronomical and kills a million with his fart.

So we’ll keep things chronological, Asa died for trusting hospitals,

Jehoshaphat was nominal, and Ahaziah’s reign was short,

Then his mother went psychotic-All, the heirs were killed methodical,

And though he was nearly embryonic, (a l)ittle kid took royal court.

Amaziah was hedonic, y’all, Uzziah’s death was comical

Ahaz was demonical, Hezekiah had the blues.

Through a devout and patriotic, stall, he slowed the diabolical,

but inevitable obstacle, that would exile all the Jews.

So that’s my poem for Second Chronicles; Sorry it got so neological,

But I’m not hooked on phonics so I’ll, Just say I’ve done my due.

Now my bong needs marijuana, call it dank or hydroponic, hell,

At this point just narcotic’ll be enough to get me through.

Bible Story:

“Run grab the young-uns, folks.  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for Kids!”

Gather round boys and girls!  Today we’re gonna open our Bibles up to Second Samuel and meet one of the Bible’s most powerful superheroes.  Did you know that the Bible had superheroes, boys and girls?

Does it have Spiderman?

No, but some of the superheroes in the bible are even more powerful than Spiderman.

Does it have Batman?

No, because Batman is a lecherous heathen bound for an eternal torment in hell.

Does it have Superman?

Only according to Zac Snyder.  But today we’re gonna talk about a different superhero.  One that you probably never heard of before.  Today we’re gonna talk about Elisha.

Was he bitten by a radioactive spider?

No, Elisha was bitten by a radioactive god.  He was the disciple of another biblical superhero named Elijah and they weren’t gay lovers, even though the bible kind of makes it sound like they were.

Elijah was very powerful, but one day he died and god decided to give all his superpowers to Elisha.  What’s more, god decided to give Elisha even more superpowers.

Could he fly?

No, but he could part rivers like Moses.  He could make a normal spring into a magical healing well and he could cause whole plains to flood when he came across thirsty horses.

Did he have laser vision?

No, but he could strike people blind and he could heal blind people.  And he could turn one loaf of bread into a lot of loaves.

Did he have a cybernetic suit with laser guns and missiles?

No, but he could make a little bit of oil turn into a lot of oil and he could bring people back from the dead.  And if that’s not enough, he could also makes axe-heads float.

Did he fight crime?

Yes he did.  Loitering, to be exact.  You see, one day Elisha was walking by a group of kids not much older than you and they were loitering.  What’s worse, they were also picking on Elisha for being bald.

My mommy says when people call you names, you should walk away.

And that’s exactly what Elisha did.  He walked away… and then used his god powers to summon a few bears to take horrible, bloody vengeance on the kids by ripping their arms and legs off and devouring their torsos while they bled to death screaming in horrible agony.

Because remember, boys and girls, sticks and stones might break your bones, but bears will fucking kill you.

The End.

Outro:

Before we put her in park for the night, I wanted to congratulate our friends over at Secular (dot) FM who raised over two grand for the Foundation Beyond Belief last weekend during their marathon 24 hour live broadcast.  And if you’d like to help add to that February total, you’ll find a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.

Donate to the FBB: http://foundationbeyondbelief.org/

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  We all got to be podcast whores this week so there’s plenty of us to go around.  Heath and I did a guest spot with Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show, Bill and Suzy invited Lucinda and me onto the latest episode of Bar Room Atheists and, of course, all three of us appeared in fits and starts on the most recent episode of the Holy Crap video cast; you’ll find links to all three on the shownotes as well.

Imaginary Friends Show: http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/02/22/ifs-170-nice-fantastic/

Bar Room Atheists: http://barroomatheist.podbean.com/

Holy Crap! Vlogcast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGiA6ZwdeLM

And as if that’s not enough, you can also find all over social media.  Be sure to check us out on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and subscribe to us on YouTube.  If you’re feeling generous with your time, please take a minute to give us a glowing review on iTunes and if you haven’t checked out Stitcher yet, download the free app, listen to us there and add us to your favorites.

Of course, we can’t close things out without thanking Heath for taking time out of his enervating sex life to join us tonight.  Huge thanks to Lucinda for yet another hilarious Bible story and a big thanks to the prodigal daughter and extremely patient Farnsworth quoter tonight, Tiny Tribble.  She doesn’t have a blog or anything and I already promoted her dad’s vlogcast twice in this episode, so I’ll just use this time to thank everyone that’s sent us a Farnsworth quote in the past and is wondering if we’ll ever use it.  Believe me, I really appreciate it and I’m using them more or less in the order they were received.

But of course, most of all I need to shower praise upon this week’s most exceptional hominids, Sakura, Jennifer, James, Cameron, Andrew, Michael, Cat, Richard, Joanna, Caroline, other Richard and Cherie.  Sakura and Jennifer, whose ninjutsu has saved the American coast from more than one hurricane; James and Cameron, who aren’t the dude who made Avatar so I’m still waiting on a refund for that; Andrew and Michael, whose massive cocks will one day unlock the key to space elevator construction; Cat and Richard, whose gravitas compels dogshit to move out of the way of their shoes; Joanna and Caroline, whose wisdom makes Solomon look like a baby-bifurcating bozo; and Richard and Cherie, whose brilliance is so evident that statues are being carved in advance of their historical accomplishments..

This dynamic dozen donors, known throughout the interwebs as the Twelve Apostates, have proved the depth of their apostasy this week by giving us money.  Only the most valiant, noble, silky smooth atheists have the disbelief it takes to give us money, but if you think you can handle the praise, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, donating to our show is like sex; the more practice you get, the better it feels.  So if you’ve donated to the show in the past, please consider doing it again; this time I’ll swallow.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 52 – Partial Transcript

February 13, 2014 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the show due to time consraints

Link to Episode

Warning: Shit happens and then you die.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nazi Surplus wholesaler, Holo-Costco.

So head on down if you’re looking for a great deal on an entire vat of vintage childrens’ sneakers or perhaps a lampshade that’s a sure conversation starter.  Mention this add and a get a free gold tooth with every purchase.

Holo-Costco: Because we like to weed out the easily offended early in the show.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 13th,

And Arab in the new Black

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from “six to twelve white inches for a change” New York, New York

And “from six to twelve whites per trailer” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode

  • Tel Aviv archaeologists date camels,

  • We’ll piss off Chinese midgets,

  • And Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a better sequel than 2 Chronicles

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I haven’t changed my mind.  Bill Nye shouldn’t have used his celebrity to raise money for the Creationism Museum.  Yes, it was fun to watch Ken Ham get his ass kicked like a Bronco, but Ham is more than willing to publicly humiliate himself and his religion for money; as his entire career demonstrates; so he doesn’t care that he lost.  He got to stand across the stage from a respected member of the scientific community and make-believe creationism was rational.  And he made money.

Some people have argued that it was worth the fleeting financial gain to Ham’s enterprise if it gave Nye a chance to drop some science on those idiots.  And I suppose I’d agree that even if he swayed a couple of people to look into the facts, that goes along ways towards offsetting the promotional end of it.  But it’s also pretty easy to argue that he could have dropped all the science on them and it still wouldn’t have mattered.

As exhibit A, I’ll offer the ubiquitous meme of the 22 post-debate creationists with their crayon-scrawled “questions for evolutionists”.  Some dude caught a bunch of drooling nincompoops on the way out of the debate and gave them a pen and paper to write out the questions they had for “evolutionists” after hearing Nye’s position.  So this is after Nye dropped the science.

And their inquiries are so stupid the question mark looks embarrassed to be there.  I’m talking “Why are there still monkeys?” stupid.  I’m talking “It’s just a theory” stupid.  One of the people actually asked “If there’s no god, how do you explain a sunset?”

I challenge you to construct a dumber question.  Where the fuck else would the sun go?  Without god we’re tidally locked all of a sudden?  Does she know about the Google?  Is this some subset of the “tides come in, tides go out” paradox?  What the fuck is the difference between “Without god, how do you explain a sunset?” and just “How do you explain a sunset?”  And, by implication, does she think the correct answer to that question is “Magic space wizard”?

Now, to be fair, not all of the questions were that stupid.  Well, they were all that stupid, but some of them were a totally different kind of stupid.  Some of them didn’t demonstrate a lack of knowledge; but rather they reflected an abundance of wrong knowledge.  Clearly some of these people were reading books and learning facts, but the books were by creationists and the facts were bullshit.  And their questions demonstrated the kind of idiocy you have to earn; something I like to call “Motivated Stupidity”.

The lady who was wondering how sunsets could be pretty if there was no baby Jesus is just regular stupid and that means enough Bill Nye debates might be able to cure her.  But the people who were claiming that the second law of thermodynamics disproves evolution had clearly done just enough research to reinforce their stupidity.  The idea that a bunch of creationist hick from Kentucky are gonna lecture the “evolutionists” on the laws of thermodynamics is priceless.  But if you pointed out that the law of entropy applies to a closed system and there’s a sun, it’s not like they would change their minds.  They’d just go to the Answers in Genesis website for some new stupid, some better stupid.

It’s these frustrating fuck fluids that lead so many of us to give up on believers.  They’ve got their conclusion and they’re sticking with ‘em, damn it.  And if you can arm them with a sentence with a few hyperpolysyllabic words they don’t understand in it and tell them it proves god, they’ll cling to it like a louse on Ken Ham’s beard.

Think about the level of commitment this kind of stupidity takes.  Oh, the laws of thermodynamics don’t support the bible?  Well then I don’t believe in the laws of thermodynamics then.  What?  Carbon dating disproves creationism?  Well then I don’t believe in the constant decay rate of Carbon-14 atoms.  What?  Rocks disprove creationism?  Well then I don’t believe in rocks, either.  What?  The bible itself disproves a literal interpretation of the bible?  Well then “la-la-la I can’t hear you!”

You know, there was a time when I could forgive this shit.  If you had religious parents and religious teachers and the churches controlled what was available at the library and the bookstore and the movie theater and the local TV stations, creationism might actually seem tenable.  And I’m not talking about the middle ages here; I’m talking about growing up in a small southern town in the nineties.  But there’s an internet out there now.  All the information is there for anybody who wants it.  In today’s world, in every country where you could possibly download this podcast, ignorance is a choice.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is guy who insults blacks and Jews a lot, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to do something about this racism issue?

Ok, in the spirit of fairness … I know I said last week that Asian jokes can be a slippery slope … however … I was watching “The Wizard of Oz” … and I would absolutely LOVE to watch a Chinese midget struggle to sing “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” …  Blacks?  Jews?  You guys back on board with me now?

Excellent.  That should stop the emails… because Chinese midgets can’t reach the keyboard.  In our lead story tonight, archaeologists from Tel Aviv University have proved that fucking camels isn’t as old a profession as the popular adage would imply.  They did some more of that science that Jesus hates so much and demonstrated definitively that camels weren’t domesticated until around 900 bce.  According to certain sacred texts that serve as the foundation of three of the world’s largest religions (that shall remain nameless), Abraham was using camels as pack animals a millennium before that.

This could be the first of many dominoes.  Maybe we’ll eventually find other things in the Bible that are also scientifically wrong.  Who knows?  

Yeah, surprise, surprise, Ken Ham was wrong.  Not exactly headline news, but what makes this one interesting is that it also shows that the people writing the stuff about Moses and Abraham and David were doing so centuries after it happened.  So long after it happened that contemporary camel-tech was just assumed.

I can see the mistake they made.  Those weren’t camels that Abraham had.  They were small, hairy, humped velociraptors.

Radiocarbon dating of camel bones proves bible to be bullshit: http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/02/06/camel-bones-suggest-error-in-bible/

And from the “You Keep Spelling Moron Wrong” file, a British Magistrate has issued a summons ordering the President of the Church of Latter Day Saints to appear in a British Court and prove that Mormonism isn’t a load of shit.

If he needs an expert to argue on his behalf, I hear Ken Ham is looking for work.

The plaintiff in the case is former Mormon Bishop Tom Phillips, who alleges that he can prove in court that at least seven of the core teachings of the church are false, that the president of the church knows that they’re false, and that he continues to teach them in order to keep people tithing.  If you take the word “religion” out of it, this is a clear cut case of fraud, but since we can’t take that word out, people… even people in the atheist movement… are acting like this is outlandish.  Because they’re a religion.  They’re supposed to defraud.

Religion is definitely the world’s most successful sleazy salesman.  “I’ll pay you Tuesday at your funeral, for a hamburger today.” … Seems like starting with Mormonism is a little arbitrary, but it’ll be nice to see all the other churches get their summons soon.  

The key to this case is the fact that the Mormon church teaches that you can only go to the good heaven if you’re in the inner circle and you can only be in the inner circle if you tithe ten percent of your income.  So basically they hold your soul hostage for cash and that differentiates them from most major religions.

Oh okay good.  Starting with Mormon’s isn’t arbitrary.  But all the other religions are still next, right?  Holding your soul hostage with vaguely defined donation levels for indulgences is just about equally “giant global fraud”, isn’t it?!?

Well we probably won’t find out because obviously the dude isn’t gonna show up at this hearing, but if he does, and the magistrate has him crucified, and he rises again three days later… I could see myself wearing magical underwear.

British Court orders Mormon rep to “prove it” http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/02/05/mormon-church-uk_n_4729050.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

And in “Eternal Soul Food” news, a private Christian high school in California decided to celebrate Black History Month by having the cafeteria serve fried chicken, cornbread, and watermelons.  It isn’t clear whether this was just normal white ignorance, or if it was an homage to professional golfer and infamous racist Fuzzy Zoeller, who suggested Tiger Woods would celebrate winning The Masters the same way, but also with collard greens.

Yeah, a public outcry forced them to abandon the Paula Deen menu after the first day, which sucks for the students because Tuesday was gonna be grape soda and crack.

Obviously racism can happen, with or without religion.  But religion certainly doesn’t fucking help.  ‘God said so’ is just about the only way to trick huge groups into extreme overzealous bigotry.  Nobody would be waging centuries of war, if it was a science museum on the Temple Mount.    The larger issue here is that homogenous brainwashed communities of ignorant sheep, who are force-fed lessons about social justice from books full of slavery and tribal ethnic cleansing … Believe or not, that’s bad for society.

And it’s hard to imagine something like this happening in a public school because public schools don’t have white lunch ladies.

So I’m wondering what the ‘accidental racists at best’ found too offensive.  What did they brainstorm, that didn’t quite make the final cut for the menu?  And I guess that means we should segue straight to 30 seconds on the clock for “Food Items for the Racist Cafeteria” … GO!!!

Master Race-in Bran

Isn’t that what those communion wafers are made of?  Sounds like one of those eugenically modified cereals … Like “Special KKK”

Or Thousand Year Reich Krispies.

What else do racists eat for breakfast? … Eggs Florentine Pregnancy?   Mango Unchained?  White Power Bars?

Pox in a Blanket?  I don’t know… I’ve got nothing else for breakfast.  Can we switch to the lynch menu?

If it’s lynch time, we can start drinking … Certain racist bartenders refer to a pina colada made with Hennessy as “Nig Nog”.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends are racist bartenders, but that’s over the line.

How about Chicken Swas-Tikka?

Or maybe Chicken Sa-Tay Sachs?

With a side of Garlic Nazis

Concheddarate Fondu: A melting pot of white cheese only …

Spicy version known as Salsa Con K-K-Queso

How about the… wait, would the placebos they used in the Tuskegee Experiment count?

Separate But Equal  brown sugar pill substitute: The stuff you swallow that doesn’t give syphilis to blacks.

Christian school apologizes for “Black History Month” lunch menu: Fried Chicken, cornbread and watermelons: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2014/02/christian-school-principal-nancy-libby-apologizes-for-racist-lunch-menu/

And finally tonight, in “Pot Calling the Kettle a Pot” news, Pat “The Fags Are Out to Kill You With Their AIDS” Robertson has asked Ken Ham to stop making Christianity look stupid.

You know what else is making Christianity look stupid? … There’s this book … I forget thit title, but Ken Ham mentioned it several times during the debate.  And it’s pretty stupid, whether or not you add up the years in the book correctly, and whether or not Amish Wolverine, leader of the X-Mennonites stops embarrassing himself.

In response to Ham’s recent drubbing at the hands of an old, skinny dude in a bowtie, Robertson concluded that young earth creationism was, in Robertson’s own words, “nonsense” and implored Ham to (quote) “come off of that stuff and say this isn’t possible” (end quote) preferring that he stick to “possible” stuff like sweaters being haunted by demons and pact-with-the-devil seismology.

Get your fictions straight, Ken Ham!!!  The Old Testament is historical fiction.  The New Testament is observational fiction.  So you can’t just add the years up using math.

Pat Robertson implores Ken Ham not to make Christianity look foolish: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/02/05/pat-robertson-implores-creationist-ken-ham-to-shut-up-lets-not-make-a-joke-of-ourselves/#.UvLFIur6LtE.twitter

And on that sage-like advice, we’ll close the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will help us try to find funny shit to say about this boring assed bible.

A Love Song for the Scientifically Literate

 

When I look into your eyes my heart don’t… skip a beat.

And if it did, I’d be concerned, that I had heart disease,

Maybe premature ventricular contractions, also known as PVCs.

And I’d probably have to see a cardiologist;

Might need some kind of timer in my chest.

 

When I look into your eyes the earth don’t… cease to spin.  (It’s…)

Good cause it it did, we’d be all fly east at sixteen miles a minute,

And a day would last a year, And both the poles would flood as a supercontinent

Around the now-spherical earth’s equator would arise;

So I wouldn’t be allowed to look you in the eyes.

 

Let’s just set aside those things that we can’t prove;

I’ll tell you I love you using scientific truth,

Forget about those cliche romantic lies,

And I’ll just say I love to look into your eyes.

 

When I look into your eyes the room don’t… spin around

And if did, every time I saw you, I’d need a second to lie down.

Think of all the things we’d want to do that this condition would confound,

Plus chronic vertigo could also be a sign,

My vestibular system’s in decline.

 

When I Iook into your eyes, serotonin is released within my brain;

A monoamine neurotransmitter derived from tryptophan,

5-HT receptors trigger an intracellular second messenger cascade;

And then a host of other hormones get involved,

It’s how attachment in our species has evolved.

 

It doesn’t have to be some esoteric thing;

Love is love and that’s enough to make me sing.

So set aside all those cliche romantic lies,

I simply love to look into your eyes.

I simply love to look into your eyes.

Babble (2 Chronicles):

Ah, Second Chronicles; a book that fails to be the most boring thing I’ve ever read only because it immediately follows First Chronicles.  If the earlier historical books are like watching paint dry, Chronicles is like watching dry paint.  It continues the monotonous task of retelling the retelling of the pre-exilic kingdom of Israel.

They really scramble to shove some God into all the gaps in the story, don’t they? …   

“Second Chronicles: Rewriting history – this time with 50% more God.” …   

The precursor to FOX News, right here in this book!!!

You’ve hit upon my dad’s only two sources of information.  And joining us for the Holy Babble tonight is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, what did you think of this one?

Ugh… I feel like I flunked Samuel and Kings and had to take them again.

You’re always so negative about this.  Start us off positive… ease us into the suck.

  1. What I like about 2 Chronicles is it really fills in the blanks on the last four books.  Let me give you an example.  In chapter one you learn that Solomon became king and asked god for wisdom.  And we already learned that in Kings, but in Kings you’re just left wondering how many chariots the dude had.  In 2 Chronicles it finally fills that in for us.

    1. Hell, it even tells you where he imported his chariots from and how much they cost so I guess the Christians were right.  All the answers are in here somewhere.

  2. And then we go straight to the temple building again.  And you’ve gotta wonder how bitchy Solomon was with his labor orders.  “I said 80,000 stone cutters!  Not 80,009!”

    1. Also, I found this interesting.  2 Chronicles, chapter two, verse five.  Solomon is talking about his temple, he want King Huram to give him wood and he says, “The house that I am about to build will be great, for our god is greater than other gods.”  So they sucked at monotheism back then.

  • And what were they even trying to mean?!?  Other gods are semi-potent? They can do everything except beat Jew God with a light sabre?  

  1. Yeah, the temple was solid gold, the fixtures were solid gold, the shit-trowels were solid gold and they had a pretty sweet hot tub out front.

  • Oh right the golden baths for bronze showers … Public wash basins full of hot, stagnant, unchlorinated water for dirty desert people to freely exchange fecal matter.  Basically steaming piles of shit,  but with a larger water ratio.

  1. Then they dedicate the temple with a bunch of singers, one hundred and twenty priests and a bucket full of blunts or something.

    1. 2 Chronicles 5:14 “So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud; for the glory of the lord filled the house of god.”  I’m surprised they didn’t go into detail about the solid gold bongs.

  • My translation was a little more porno.  I think it said something like: “God came inside their lungs.”  So he pulled an “Angry Dragon” on the priests.  And I’d suggest that the uninitiated pause, and take a moment to google “Angry Dragon” so you can get the visual.

  • And make sure you have safe search off.

  1. Then we get this bullshit revisionist dedication of the temple by Solomon.  He’s saying “If there’s a drought hear our prayers; and if there’s a pestilence remember us; and if we have sinned against you forgive us; and if we piss you off so much that you allow a Babylonian king to exile us for generations forgive us eventually and let us come back.”

  2. And it takes god a week and a half to get back to him, but when he does he tells Solomon that he’ll answer all his prayers just so long as everybody loves the shit out of him constantly forever.

  • “You too can get chosen, for only five easy payments of $99.95.  And if you convert to Judaism in the next ten minutes, we’ll throw in a Slap Chop.”       

  1. Then Solomon heroically enslaves every non-Jew he can find.

  • Historically speaking … You think this stuff might lead to negative consequences for the Jews down the line???  Might come back and bite them in the asherah pole.  

  1. Then he fucks the queen of Egypt for some spices, Huram brings him some apes and some peacocks and then he dies.

  • And I’m not trying to be mean, but this book is stupid.  Here’s the very last line of the chapter: “Solomon’s horses were imported from Egypt and from all other countries.”  Just say “He didn’t import horses from nowhere.”

  1. Rehoboam’s gets the kingdom and within a few days, he breaks it.

    1. Interesting that even the bible seems to be anti-Israel at a certain point.

  2. I kept expecting it to say “and are not the acts of all these dudes written in the book you just read?”

  3. They keep upping god’s body count, too.  In chapter thirteen he kills half a million Israelites because the Judeans are less goat-demony.  If the death tolls keeps increasing at this rate, he’s gonna have to kill, like, 6 million Jews in the 1940s…

  • Or at least find a way to fake it, and get Israel back.

  1. Well hold on, because in chapter 14 he ups his record by killing a million Ethiopians.

    1. Well wait a second, though, because at best Ethiopians are worth half as much as Israelites…

    2. Three fifths.

  • But it’s three fifths of a white Christian person, so let’s compromise, and call it four fifths of an Israelite.

  1. And after that things are pretty okay for a few decades until…

  2. Asa is king but then he get a disease (quote) “in his feet” and then dies because he had the audacity to turn to a physician instead of a priest.

    1. Yeah, 2 Chronicles 16:12 is something no responsible adult would leave in their bible.

  • Right – Why go to a doctor, when you could go straight to the asshole who created diabetes?!?  

  1. Then we get Jehoshaphat, who got rid of the high places by apparently leveling the whole nation to precisely sea level.

  • And he killed all the tall people.

  1. Then in chapter 18 of 2 Chronicles we get chapter 22 of 1 Kings.

    1. Verbatim.

    2. Damn near verbatim.  The same goddamned chapter just hiding later in the book.  They were just fucking around on the word count at this point.

  2. Chapter 19 is actually just a secret code from God for investing in the stock market.  If you use the code, and pray the right way, you’ll make millions.  And if it doesn’t work, and you lose millions, other people will make millions.  It’s a win-win.

  3. Then we get the wrap up of the reign of King Jehoshaphat the pretty good.

  4. Then Jehoram takes over, kills his brothers, makes high places and kills some Edomites, for which Elijah shows up and curses him with perpetual diarrhea.

  • That’s right – Important morality lesson here: “Don’t make things that exist in the height dimension, or a Jewish prophet will make you shit out your own colon.”    

  1. Then Ahaziah takes over and gets killed within a year.

    1. His mom goes all psycho and starts killing everyone she can get her hands on, so her daughter stashes Joash in a nursery where her murderous mother can’t find him.

  2. She reigns for a few years then they kill her with much pomp and circumstance.

  3. …and is replaced by a seven year old.

  • Who they make the new king by pulling a Pussy Riot maneuver, and putting on an unsanctioned coronation concert in the temple.  

  1. -Then you get (Amaziah the Adequate)

  2. -(Uzziah the Proud)

  3. -(Jotham the Forgettable)

  4. -(Ahaz the Really Awful)

  5. -and (Hezekiah the Too-Little, Too-Late)

  6. The kingdom’s gone to shit by the time Hezekiah shows up on the scene so we get this chapter where he’s running around Judah like a teenager trying to clean up all the party stuff before mom and dad get home.

  • The key is to shred the cigarette butts and joint roaches with the lawn mower.

  1. Then some Assyrians show up and start talking shit about Jew god so he chops all their heads off with a sword and has the king’s sons assassinate him.

  2. And then Manasseh, then Amon, then Josiah… Honestly, as I’m reading this thing I kept hoping the cats would puke on the carpet or something so I’d have to get up and clean it.  This thing is a fucking chore.  We all deserve a hug or something for this.

  • Will somebody … please … sacrifice their virgin daughter to a rapist mob or something, so we can make a fucking joke?!?  Anything?  No?  Just another last-minute divine miracle-slaughter of another seemingly unbeatable rival tribe?  

  1. Josiah is a good king, in the sense that he doesn’t fall prey to the unforgivable sin of religious tolerance, but eventually he fucks with the wrong Egyptian and gets killed in battle.

  • These battles are a bunch of ancient tribal nerds that believed in magical spells.     It must have looked like Live Action Role Playing, with people who truly thought they were divine priests, casting protection auras that do nothing, right before getting beheaded by a laughing Pre-Muslim.  

  1. And then in the last chapter they toss in the exile in Babylon like it’s an afterthought.  And then they toss in King Cyrus freeing them in a two verse postscript.

  • How does Yahweh convince a king that doesn’t believe in him, to let all his slaves go back to Judah, without revealing the big secret that Jew God is the real one?!?

I was really disappointed by the end.  Bill from Bar Room Atheists assured me that it ended with a car chase where a housewife in a dominatrix suit chases down her escaped teenage slave girl and then makes out with her to death.  And it doesn’t.  So hopefully he was thinking of Ezra.

And speaking of Bar Room Atheists, if Suzy is listening, we hope you’re feeling better sweetie. Huggles!

Oh, good call.  You’re in our thoughts, which is what we atheists have instead of prayers.

So we’ll close on that and take a well earned couple of episodes off from biblical duties.  Guy and gal, thanks for somehow continuing to push through.

Outro:

Before we pull the ripcord tonight I wanted to let everybody know that if they liked the song this week and would perhaps like to share it with their Valentine, I’ll have it on YouTube complete with lyrics a little later on today so feel free to share the love.

And in case you forgot, I was on the new podcast “Atheistically Speaking” the other day and apparently they split the interview into pieces.  The first chunk of it came out this past Monday and I think the rest is slated for release the same day this episode airs so if you want more, there’s more.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

I also wanted to remind people that if we don’t get enough iTunes reviews every week I’m contractually obligated to kick a puppy and I don’t want that any more than you do, so be sure to swing over to iTunes and give us a five star review

I need to thank Heath for being a funny bastard, I need to thank Lucinda for suffering through yet another book of the bible while simultaneously acting as my perpetual muse.  I also need to thank Zach from Iowa for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  Zach had nothing to plug so I’ll just use this time to remind everybody that Iowa isn’t as bad as you think it is.

But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most stunning examples of humanity, Brian, David, Dave, Andrew, Steven Hawking’s Wheelchair, DJ, Stephen, Robin, other Andrew and Laura.  Brian, whose gargantuan penis has local gravity; David who makes Samson look like a pussy for needing that donkey jaw; Dave, who has taken over as our most generous donor of all time and deserves a gold medal and a hug; Andrew, who’s so bright he’s a leading cause for sudden retinal failure; Stephen Hawking’s Wheelchair, which, let’s face it, deserves way more of the credit for the ground-breaking physics than it gets; DJ, whose very name has become a prefix for “cool person that gets a lot of ass”; Stephen, whose cock is longer than a Peter Jackson flick; Robin, who’s so far above average they named a bird after her; other Andrew, whose compliment is separate, but equal to the first Andrew; and Laura, who’s so hot she can light a bong over Skype.

These ten exceptional exemplifications of excellence have provided joy to boys and girls all over the world by giving us money.  Remember, according to noted junkie-photographer Chris Arnade, atheism is a luxury for the wealthy so if you don’t keep those donations rolling in, my broke ass will have to be religious at a certain point.  So if you’d like to forestall that inevitable condition, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you wanted to wish Lucinda a happy anniversary tomorrow, you’ll find her on Facebook and Twitter, that’s LUCINDA LUGEONS.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 50 – Partial Transcript

January 30, 2014 8 comments

by Heath Enwright, Noah & Lucinda Lugeons and Eli Bosnick

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language.  And this week, we’re going for the record.

 

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nepalese cancer-curing carbonated cow piss soda, Mount Hin-Du.

Mount Hin-Du; we put the Brahman in Brominated vegetable oil.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s January 30th

And we’re doing a full-hour this week, so you have to pay double.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from nearly 4th Avenue-less New York, New York…

…and less-than-4-avenues-having Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • A preacher learns the hard way that despite what the Bible says, poison can kill you,

  • I’ll offer a Nebraska state senator a rim job,

  • He’ll bargain his way up to a rusty trombone,

  • And Eli Bosnick will join us to justify a fourth bullet point.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

The other day I got an email from Tyler.  Tyler used to be an atheist, but now he or she has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior and wanted to come on the show to tell all of us heathens the wonderful news about Jesus.  He or she offered to answer any questions we might have about Jesus-iness with the warning that he or she was (quote) “not an expert in theology”.

So here I have this rare opportunity to speak with somebody who loves Jesus and doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.  How could I say no?  Well, here’s how:

“Thanks for your email, Tyler.  I can only assume that you’ve never listened to the show and are only responding to the word ‘atheist’ in the title, but let me assure you that nobody who listens to our program wants to hear you talk about Jesus.  Thanks anyway.”

To which Tyler offered a one word reply, (quote) “okay.”

This is not the first Christian who has tried to wriggle their way onto our docket of future guests.  It used to happen once a month or so, but now I’m getting requests like these at least once a week.  Some of them are from theists that want to debate the merit of their particular fantasy and some are from avid listeners that just want to hear that debate.

And my answer is always the same, though when it’s a listener I phrase it a bit more congenially.  My answer is “no”, and if I’m pressed for an explanation it’s some derivative of “‘cause I don’t wanna.”  I don’t want to engage these people, I don’t want to pretend that there’s some merit to their argument, I don’t want to listen to the blithering bastardization of science in their arsenal, I don’t want to be polite and I also don’t want to shout “go fuck yourself” at somebody I’ve invited on the show.  What’s more, I don’t want to subject our listeners to it.

Not all of these aspiring guests are as cordial as Tyler, of course.  Many of them lash out at me in response and accuse me of cowardice, of intellectual dishonesty, of insulating myself behind a wall of like-minded opinions.  They paint the picture of a terrified psyche, desperately clinging to the untenable belief that invisible wizards play no part in human affairs, fearful that if somebody comes on our show and says Jesus a lot my worldview will crumble around me and the god-sized hole in my heart will bleed out.

The arrogance here would be staggering if I weren’t already so familiar with the audacity of Christian privilege.  They seem to think that as an atheist I’m duty bound to offer equal time to the opinion that we started the podcast to offset; as though I’m under some obligation to use the platform we’ve created to promote the point of view antithetical to my own.  It’s not enough for them that there are five hundred Christian programs for every atheist program, they want to be on ours as well.  What’s more, they feel that they have some kind of divine right to it.

And why?  Is it a staple of Christian entertainment to bring on the biblical scholar and show them how wrong they’ve got it?  Do most sermons end with an atheist counterpoint?  Does Joel O’Steen spend much time debating heathens on his podcast?  And do these same bitter fuck monkeys that contact me also write in to Jewish podcasts and Buddhists podcasts and Wiccan podcasts demanding that they defend their faith in an Oxford style debate?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not against public debates.  As long as they’re not being used to raise money for an institution dedicated to anti-scientific indoctrination (ahem) Bill Nye (ahem), I’m all for the atheist community engaging.  I’m glad there are people like Sam Harris and Shelly Kagan out there making William Lane Craig look stupid.  And I’m happy there are shows like the Atheist Experience that take all comers and engage with whatever nincompoop calls in.  I’m glad that shows like that exist, I just don’t want to host one.

And no, it’s not because I’m afraid I’ll lose.  It’s pretty easy to win a debate when the other side is trying to prove that Jack’s beanstalk really existed.  But just because I can shovel a large pile of shit doesn’t mean I want to, and it sure doesn’t mean that anybody would want to listen to it if I did.

Besides, debate isn’t just about presenting the better argument.  Sometimes the person with all the facts on their side can lose a debate in the eyes of the audience just by seeming arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.  And if there’s anything this show has proven in its first 49 episodes, it’s that I’m arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines this week is semi-professional vulgarian Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to be vulgar?

What, no fancy montage for me?

(Heath cursing montage)

Do I really fucking curse that much?

In our lead story tonight, Oklahoma Republican lawmaker Mike Turner has proposed a bill that would protect Oklahomans from the dark forces of two-cock wedlock this week by banning marriage altogether.  Arguing that the fucking baby shouldn’t have been mixed in with the bathwater in the first place, Turner argues that the courts have left him no other legal recourse for his wretched, small-minded hostility.

Are they under the impression that the gay-marriage-ban thing has been working so far?!?  If they let this one slide, dudes are gonna start having butt sex for the first time?  Spawning gay families?

The scrap of sanity hidden in his morass of malevolence is the Libertarian notion that states shouldn’t be in the business of regulating marriage, a point that might have debatable merit if it weren’t derived entirely from faith-fueled fanaticism.  To his credit, Turner makes no attempt to sell this legislation as based on high-minded principles; crediting the inspiration for the move entirely to god’s well-advertised hatred of fags.

Can we stop pretending that legislation about the definition of the word ‘marriage’ makes any fucking difference.  This is Christian assholes finding absurdist measures to make sure gay people can’t get taxed fairly.  As if eternal damnation isn’t punishment enough.  

Ryan Kiesel, executive director of the Oklahoma ACLU characterizes the move as desperate political posturing that is all but guaranteed to fail.  When asked about the proposed ban, Kiesel called the legislators backing the bill (quote) “…out of touch with most Oklahomans” (end quote), though off the record I’m sure he called them a hell of a lot worse than that.

Oklahoma Republican introduces bill to block gay marriage in by outlawing marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/01/25/oklahoma-republicans-bill-would-block-same-sex-marriage-by-stopping-all-marriages/

And in “Ejaculate the Ripper” news, Georgia church official Craig Lamar Davis was found guilty of felony charges, for willfully spreading the HIV virus, despite his defense that his AIDS diagnosis only happened because of all the crack he smokes.  When asked by prosecutors: “Then why are you taking AIDS medicine?” … Davis responded that it’s a preventative measure, after he heard a rumor that coincidentally all the women he sleeps with have AIDS somehow.

So here’s how fucked the Davis defense team was: Apparently part of their defense strategy was to put some AIDS denialists on the stand and argue that there’s no such thing as AIDS.  And that AIDS doesn’t come from HIV.  And that HIV tests are all bullshit anyway.  Hard to imagine how they lost this one.

Apparently it’s easier to get a job at a church than it is to become an Amsterdam hooker.  And Amsterdam hookers can literally be high on crack in the interview, as long as they don’t also have AIDS.  Bottom line: They preside over similar amounts of sexual activity, but Dutch pimps are far more responsible about it (and consensual about it) than God’s HR department.    

The thing they actually found him guilty of was “reckless HIV”.  That’s how they actually phrase it; two counts of reckless HIV.  Makes me think of him accidentally jacking off on somebody’s salad or something, “Oh, I’m sorry, did I get HIV on your plate?  How reckless of me.”

And because I’m also a twisted fuck, this story made me think of Billy Joel playing $10,000 Pyramid with Peter Griffin …

Billy Joel: “AIDS … Crack … Bernie Goetz …”

Peter Griffin: “Things that kill black people?”

I was gonna go with “things that have been in Amy Winehouse’s vagina”

But I think we’re a little off track, so just to summarize: The church official didn’t know about his AIDS because of the crack, and then couldn’t help but jizz-murder those women, because good Christians don’t use condoms.

This story has crack, HIV, and churchhttp://www.ajc.com/news/news/defendant-in-hiv-trial-found-guilty/ncwb6

And from the “At the Very God Damned Least” file tonight, a Nepalese court has ruled that when you rob children of their youth in order to worship them as temporary incarnations of a mythical being for a few years before tossing them back into the world educationally and socially retarded, you have to give them money.

Right assuming they only work their prepubescent slave-goddesses 60 hours a week for 5 years, they get about 78 cents an hour back-pay, spread out over 10 years, assuming laid-off Pre-Cogs can get new work and survive in society for that long.  

The ruling was a small step toward righting the insane and despicable institution of “Kumari”, in which little girls are worshipped as living goddesses until they get a muff tuft.  Apparently the girls are selected by strict physical criterion that includes shit like (quote) “an unblemished body, a chest like a lion and thighs like a deer.”  But just in case the thought of a team of experts examining the chests and thighs of prepubescent girls didn’t boil your blood at all, the few girls who are unlucky enough to meet the strict physical requirements must then prove their bravery by not crying while watching a buffalo get slaughtered.  At ages as young as FOUR.  And then the winner gets to live in a temple where they’ll be paraded around as objects of worship while not getting an education or having a childhood.

America has a more efficient system for dealing with the JonBenet Ramseys in our culture, when we’re done with them.  

I think it’s important to note that the court isn’t ending this practice.  They’re not phasing it out or forcing the temple to give the girls eight hours a day of education and some free time to fuck around with a rainbow loom or anything.  All they’ve done here is ruled that the girls have to be paid a pension for a few years after all this psychological abuse.  So apparently they weren’t even doing that.

Nepalese girls kidnapped by prehistoric nonsense to be compensated: http://www.gulf-times.com/nepal/250/details/377883/ex-kumari-welcomes-pension

And in “C-word isn’t just for Caucasian” news, Christian talking head and vice-presidential candidate abortion Sarah Palin celebrated Martin Luther King Day by telling President Obama that in honor of her nigga MLK, he should stop playing the race card …   Which is physically impossible.  Black people can’t stop playing the race card.  Barack Obama, despite his very best efforts, can’t just get a white library card and stop being a black President.  

Yeah, she’s on a limb even in her own party on this one.  Most republican Christians don’t want to revoke the race card; they just want to make sure you bring three forms of ID when you renew it.

There is speculation that Palin’s comments were a response to a recent New Yorker article, in which an Obama quote points out that some people like the idea of a black President, and some people dislike the idea of a black President.  Apparently this self-evident truth came off as a venomous Black Panther rant to the Alaskan hockey mom, who runs a neighborhood watch that helps NORAD visually detect Russian nuclear attacks.  If she’s scared of Obama, I want to see her interviewed with Richard Sherman.  

Well she does have some credential on this issue.  She was the governor of Alaska and you can see black people from Alaska, so she probably knows her shit.

So is it just me, or do you wish that MLK could hate fuck Sarah Palin, and you could pay $100 to watch??? … Famous civil rights leaders fucking awful white bitches … That’s a porn goldmine.  Which segues smoothly to about half a minute of clever new titles we’ll think up on the spot, right now.  

30 seconds on the clock.  Civil rights leaders fantasy porn titles: GO!!!

“White Dicks Palin Comparison to Malcolm’s XXL”

Susan B. On-her-knees starring in “The Undergown Railroad”

Right, with Harriet Chubman as the black hermaphrodite.

“Nelson Mandela Living in Bondage: Apar-Tied to the Bed Posts.”

Three Missing Civil Rights Workers, One Cup?  Too soon?  To do another two girls one cup joke?

No such thing.  The whole point of the genre is to see Anne Coulter get shat on …

So what about “Scat Turner’s Revolt”??? … “Desmond’s Number Tutu”???

Gotta get some guy on guy golden shower titles in there too, like “Martin Luther Queen in ‘I Have a Stream’”.  I believe Frederick Dug-Ass was in that too.

Pee at last!  Pee at last! …

Louis Farra-Conjugal Visits: The Insemi-Nation of Islam … Filmed on location at Martha Stewart’s Country Club Jail: Where choking a bitch is a white collar crime.

I like the Suffrage and Discipline stuff.  Like Elizabeth Cady Strap-on.

“Rosa Parks It in the Rear” … That one’s ironic, because black women don’t usually like anal.

Jesse Jacks-Off Jesse Jackson?

What about “Hand Jobs for Strokely Carmichael: Finally some white people doing manual labor.”

W.E.T. DuBoys and Medgar Whenevers in N Double D CP

Sarah Palin lectures Obama on race for MLK Day: http://www.latimes.com/local/abcarian/la-me-ra-on-mlk-day-tonedeaf-sarah-palin-says-obama-plays-the-race-card-20140120,0,3099194.story#axzz2rPG7wjaO

And in the disturbingly thin “Midwestern lawmakers who aren’t dogmatic turd-cuddlers” file, Nebraska state senator and openly atheist pioneer Ernie Chambers has introduced a bill that would eliminate state property-tax exemptions for churches.  Because you’d have to be a fucking idiot not see the logic in that.  Unfortunately for the future of the proposal, his colleagues largely don’t see the logic in that.

I love this guy Ernie Chambers, but his title “Most Atheist Member of the Nebraska State Senate” isn’t that impressive. Neither is “Smartest Member of the Nebraska State Senate” or “Blackest Member of the Nebraska State Senate”.  It’s like “Oldest Kid in the Cancer Ward”.

The language of his bill read almost like an audition to be a co-host on this show.  He basically just copied the existing list of exemptions and crossed out the word “religious” wherever it appeared.  He didn’t delete it, mind you, he left it there, but crossed out.  And as if that wasn’t awesome enough, in his statement of intent for the bill he reminded his Christian colleagues that Jesus was all about rendering unto Caesar what was Caesar’s and closed with the following actual quote: “All things considered, I expect my colleagues to say, regarding this bill: “Let thy will be done.” To which I can atone: “Amen.” (end quote)

Yeah his whole statement of intent was hilarious.  My favorite line might have been his opener: (quote) “The purpose of LB 675 is to help the State gain more revenue, rather than less, by taking away churches’ property tax exemptions.” (end quote)

Yeah, I would almost lick this dude’s asshole based solely on this story.  Of course, unlike the “outlaw-marriage so fags can’t have ‘em” bill we discussed earlier, this one has absolutely no chance of success, but it did boost Chambers into potential running mate status with Barney Frank in the Scathing Atheist’s involuntary presidential ticket for 2016.

Senator suggests taxing property: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/nebraskas-atheist-state-senator-introduces-bill-that-would-force-churches-to-pay-property-taxes

And in “Natural Born Again Killers” news, it’s been 613 days, so it’s no longer too soon to laugh at West Virginia preacher Mark Wolford, who died from a rattlesnake bite after performing a service with the deadly reptile on May 27, 2012.  As is often heard when redneck psychopaths have a mishap, someone yelled: “You get the truck!  I’ll get the snake bite juice!”  But instead of driving the truck to the hospital, Wolford was taken to a nearby safe house where they routinely take snake bite victims to rest themselves back to health.  And because that’s stupid, he died.  

If only all stupid was that fatal.

These guys are pushing that envelope as best they can.  Adherents of venomous snake handling cite God’s words from Mark 16: “In my name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” (end quote) …

This particular passage of the Bible has caused an entire category at the Darwin Awards.  Among the former winners is Wolford’s father, who also died of a snake bite the same way.  And as he watched his father die, he saw God give a subtle wink, which was apparently the really tricky sign this guy needed to carry on the family business.

So when this shit happens… generationally… it has to either be proof that Jesus isn’t a viable anti-venom or proof that these people don’t really love Jesus.  I think it’s probably the latter so my suggestion is that all true Christians attempt rattlesnake cunnilingus so that we can weed out the imposters.

Why aren’t they focusing on the other suggestions?!?  “Take up serpents” is obviously the worst one.  It would be far less destructive if they fondled breast cancer patients, and didn’t heal them.  Or if they just killed themselves by drinking poison.

West Virginia snake handling preacher dies from rattlesnake bite: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/05/30/11956841-snake-handling-preacher-dies-from-rattlesnake-bite-in-west-virginia

And in “I bet these idiots were wondering who Acklew was” news, the ACLU has filed suit against the Sabine Parish school district in Louisiana for a prodigious list of constitutional violations.  The suit accuses the school of a (quote) “long history of proselytizing students and promoting religion” (end quote) including, but not limited to incorporation of Christian prayer into school events, religious iconography in the halls and classrooms, an electronic marquee with a constant scroll of bible verses, the inclusion of the words “god exists” on the statement of beliefs for the school district, faculty led bullying and ostracization of non-Christian students, religious questions on science exams, the explicit teaching of creationism, offering extra-credit for believing in the Christian god and holding mandatory prayer assemblies.

For the church to pay back all the tax money they’ve stolen, and then add all those 50-shekel payments to new dads on top of that … They’re financially and morally bankrupt 1000 times over, and therefore no longer allowed to exist!!!

Oh, believe it or not, this story gets worse.  The ACLU is suing on behalf of a 6th grade Buddhist, whose science teacher allegedly included questions like (in all caps) “Isn’t it amazing what the (blank) has made” followed by, I shit you not, 32 exclamation points, and then called him stupid in front of the class when he refused to write “Lord” in the blank provided.  When his mother complained to the Superintendent she was apparently told that this was the bible belt and if she didn’t like it her son should either change his faith or move to another district where there are (allegedly quote) “more Asians.”

Whoa!!!  That’s Clossing the Rine!

ACLU sues LA school district for all kind of Christian bullshit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/this-district-just-got-sued-for-teaching-creationism-offering-extra-credit-for-writing-bible-verses-on-tests-more/

Moving on to “Not Quite Two Birds With One Drone” news, Pope Franti-matter helped two children almost publicly murder a pair of “peace doves”, by releasing them from his weird little speaking window above St. Peter’s Square, only to be immediately attacked by two of Obama’s atheist drones, disguised as a seagull and a large black crow.  The President denies any involvement, but he did give me a fist bump as he made the denial . . . And then he did this thing where he blew it up.  Like (blow up sound) … Black people are so cool.  

Yeah.  When white people try for cool handshakes it ends up looking like Michael J Fox playing roshambo with Stephen Hawking.  Black people got the style and the big dicks so I don’t know why they’re still so pissed that we got all the impartial justice and living wage jobs.

Catholics are traumatized, and suspect this is the work of Satan, Star Scream, or the Jews.  Strangely enough, nobody suspects the godless, Kenyan, Muslim, homosexual in the White House, who was likely also behind the August 2013 sabotage of an Oral Roberts jingoism rally, in which they hired a bald eagle to fly on stage, and instead it crashed to the floor in epic failure as an auditorium full of idiots chanted “USA!!!”  

And I’m surprised nobody’s put it together.  Don’t they know that Kenyans can communicate with animals?

I saw his birth video when he talked to Mufasa … And what’s with white people and our endangered species fetish?!?  We’re always doing ridiculous shit, like renting bald eagles, shooting pterodactyls with assault rifles, eating panda steaks, bow-hunting black people.  Somebody needs to stop us, or we will continue ruining the world.

Pope releases peace-doves, which get attacked by atheist birds: http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/pope-francis-s-peace-doves-attacked-by-birds-at-vatican-1.2511761?cmp=fbtl

And on that somber admission we’ll close out the headlines, Heath, thanks as always.

Happy to be here.

And when we return Eli Bosnick will join us to remind everybody that he’s funny as fuck.

Pitch:

On January 18th of 2013, at 7:17am Malaysian Standard Time, a new podcast was born, released into a cruel and unforgiving world with only it’s wits to guide it.

That podcast, was this podcast.

And since that day we’ve consistently brought you a new show every Thursday without exception.

Except for the first five episodes when it was biweekly.

We’ve consistently provided 30 minutes of high quality dick jokes…

Except episodes 10 and 25, which were an hour..

And we’ve had them to you at precisely 8am Eastern Time, every week.

Except episodes 43 and 48, which you fucked up and dropped early.

Heath and I work tirelessly every week,

(ahem)

Heath, Lucinda and I work tirelessly every week to bring you the best half hour of blasphemy we can muster, often working upwards of 200 hours a week to make it happen.

There are only 168 hours in a week.

I meant between the 3 of us.

That’s still way high.

More like 100.

That’s still probably high.

But it’s a lot.  And if you don’t believe me, just ask my wife.

And if you don’t believe me, just ask my vagina.

Wait, your vagina talks?

No, that was a joke.

But the point is that we work really hard.

We do.

Yeah.

And to continue to provide you with the highest quality fart jokes in the other religion podcast subcategory on iTunes, we need your help.

Specifically, your money.

Because, holy shit, this thing has turned into a full time job.

And a part time job.

And another part time job.

And just as you count on a new episode each week to get you through your Friday commute, we count on your donations to make it possible.

You stole that line from Brian Dunning.

Pretty much, yeah.

So if you’d like to help us keep the Scathing Atheist ad free, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Wait, we weren’t gonna put ads in it…

Yeah, but they don’t know that.

And remember, if every listener donated just a dollar a week, we’d be fucking loaded.  But they won’t, so you’ll probably have to give more than that.

 

Panel Notes:

Award season is in full swing.  You’ve already skipped the Golden Globes, avoided the Grammys, forgotten all about the People’s Choice Awards and you’re actively not giving a shit about the Oscars so we figured; why not squeeze one more meaningless ceremony into the season.

And in accordance with the fact that religious idiots think atheists believe in Satan, he we are hosting the “Penta-Grammys”.

That’s right.  And in addition to a ready made pun, this also provides us a great opportunity to bring back friend of the show and audience favorite Eli Bosnick.  Eli, welcome back.  It’s been too long.

(screaming in terror)

Alright, so here’s how the Penta-Grammys work.  We’ve randomly chosen a few categories for this inaugural ceremony and each of us will offer our nominee.  And since winning awards was rendered meaningless in 2010 when they gave Sandra Bullock an Oscar, we’ll just leave it at the nomination phase.

Our first category is an obvious one and Heath, you’ll start us off; Best Religious News Item of 2013

The Scathing Atheist headline read something like: “Imaginary Jesus voices tell area man to exorcise Satan by blowing up the family puppy with an IED.”  

Or, as friend of the show Tom from Cognitive Dissonance put it, “Worst shock collar ever.”

These were apparently the same voices that told him to prepare for a rapture, that kept not happening despite the Mayan Calendar not being infinite, and despite a now-dead Harold Camping having calculated the first derivative of the Bible to solve for Apocalypse.  So the December 2012 rapture didn’t happen, the year 2013 did happen, Jesus helped murder a labrador retriever, and the End Times Calculus asshole died.  Lots of good atheist lessons here, but the puppy murder takes it for me.  We all know religion can trick people into torturing, raping, and killing other people, but that doesn’t seem to be a deal-breaker.  Maybe the puppy thing will do it.        

Satanist Memorial thing let this begin a movement all over.

Strangely, we actually haven’t had occasion to talk about the Satanic Monument on the show since they unveiled the design, so if you were pressed to describe the proposed monument to the audience, what would you say?

(description)

Okay, so this isn’t a particular headline or anything, but I’m nominating the rise of the atheist church, or the godless congregation or whatever I have to call it to not piss off the people who don’t like them.  I know a lot of people are stand-offish on the whole idea, but I look at it as a necessary step toward national secularism.  So that’s my nominee for News Item of the Year.

Yeah stuff like Sunday Assembly is getting some steam in the States now too.  Nice to see early evidence that people can hang out in groups on Sunday, without being self-righteous bigoted assholes about it.  

Moving right along to our second category, this is a dubious distinction, I would think, but our second category is “Religious Figure Who Has Done the Most to Promote Atheism” and Eli, why don’t you start us out?

Pope Francis. Just changing his mind about everything. Next week he’s gonna be like “Eh…its a myth…who wants to get some PUSSY”

It really has been amazing.  Just a quick list of some of the crazy shit he’s said in his first year of papacy:

  • “Who am I to judge gay people?”

  • “Atheists can get into heaven”

  • “Bare tits in church?  That’s cool”

  • “I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power of the enemy, every spectre from hell and all your fell companions; in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ”

Didn’t he also mention something about “There is no Catholic god.”???  Maybe we can get him on the show to elaborate.  

I’m going with Antonin Scalia.  He’s not a religious figure per se, but he’s religious and he’s a figure.  And he aptly demonstrated this year that no amount of education and academic achievement can make a Catholic not sound like a raging lunatic when he starts talking about religion.

For those who don’t recall, Scalia did an interview with New York Magazine where he admits to believing in an actual, physical, existent devil.  And as if that wasn’t terrifying enough from a Supreme Court Justice, when he was pressed about why we never see any evidence of this magical embodiment of evil, he explained that (quote) “The devil’s getting wilier”

Despite the Pope’s skeptical stance on this guy, I’d like to nominate Catholic God.  He’s clearly gone out of his way to be more than fair with us logical people recently.  He’s literally bending kids over backwards to make atheism look good.  And forwards.  More bending over forwards, really.  Depends if they’re blowing a second priest.

And when Pope Frandle in the Wind tries to get too hippie about shit, god kills his birds, so yeah, good nominee.

Of course, If this was the Oscars there would be a poorly cobbled together musical number here, but luckily, it’s not, so we’ll just move directly to the next category; “Moment in 2013 That Most Conflicted With the Concept of a Loving God.

And at first I was gonna go with those big ass typhoons, but they mostly only killed brown people so I went with a story we covered on episode 26 of this program; and it was a story about a congregation in Fresno, California that was convinced that a tree outside their church was weeping holy tears.  And even after it was painstakingly explained to them that the “tears” were actually aphid shit, they continued to not only worship them, but DRINK them.

And if there was a god there’s no way he would make it that easy on us.

I’m with Noah on this one, but I’d like to expand the nomination to any of several times that God made people literally eat shit and drink piss.  This all happened in 2013 … We’ve got the aphid shit mistaken for magical Jesus sap, we’ve got God letting churches set up shit-water basins to use as “holy water”, we’ve got a guy being prosecuted for telling a bunch of shit-sippers that the crying Jesus statue is just a leak from a nearby public restroom sewage pipe, and we’ve got a Hindu cult drinking virgin cow urine … and still having cancer afterward.  And also, I’d like to nominate cancer in general.

The death of paul Walker. The 2nd hour of the wolf of wall street…or all those starving kids…I dont know…

Awesome.  Okay, so this next category is a tricky one.  I originally wrote it down as “Biggest Asshole”, but despite Heath’s first choice for nominee, we’re not actually basing this on anal circumference.

So “African Altar Boys” doesn’t work.

Right.  What we’re looking for here is the person the world could most have done without in 2013.  Eli, who would you most like to scrub from the population statistics?

Jenny Mcarthy

So for this one my nominee was obvious; Pat Robertson, but the tricky part was deciding which egregious lapse of humanity to nominate him for.  Should it be for the AIDs decoder ring quote? For asking how he can respond to gay people’s posts on Facebook if there’s no “vomit button”?  For comparing transgendered people to his castrated horse?  For diverting charitable funds to his secret blood diamond mining operation, which I’m not just making up to make him sound more like a GI Joe villain?

And after a long night wrestling with that question, I decided to opt for “none of the above” and just nominate him for not having the decency to go ahead and fucking die.

I’m going with Muslim God on this one.  Next to asshole in the dictionary, I think there’s actually a picture of a generic deity lashing a female rape victim with a bull whip.  This is the same imaginary guy that told several countries to install Gaydar and prostate exams at airports.  The same non-existent asshole that insists women dress like lepers … and sponsors death bounty fatwas on people that don’t like all the stuff I just mentioned.  I’d also like to mention all the faithfully rapey Muslim men that make it all possible.  And the fundamentalist clerics.  And the whole crew over at Hezbollah.  And those crazy niggas over at Al Queda.  And of course Mr. and Mrs. Kazaam – Allah’s magical mom and dad.

Alright, and our final category is a little bit more on the serious side.  It’s also the only one I can imagine anybody being happy about winning and it’s the only one that I’m absolutely certain will appear again in next year’s Penta-Grammys; gentlemen, who would you like to nominate for 2013’s Atheist of the Year.

I’d like to nominate our very own, Noah Lugeons.  Not only for his tireless work on what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time.  And not only for marrying the talented Lucinda Lugeons, the woman many are calling “The Anti-Coulter”.  And not only for his many great appearances on other atheist and skeptical broadcasts.  But most importantly, for pointing out the following when I suggested a Mormon necrophilia joke in honor of Paul Walker …

“Well, they do practice posthumous baptism, so they do have experience moistening dead people.”

Well now just to be fair I think I should toss out one of your best quotes on the show.  How about that time when you were talking about how awesome I was and you said (quote) “what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time”?  That one was probably my favorite.

Okay, so for my nominee here, I was damn tempted to go with Valerie Dodds, the Nebraska porn star that got in trouble for breaking into her old Catholic school and publishing video of her using a crucifix as a dildo, but I don’t know for sure she’s an atheist and this one was supposed to be at least kind of serious, so I’m going with friend of the show and inaugural Farnsworth quoter Hemant Mehta.

Amen!!!  Among many other things, nobody aggregates daily religious jack-assery in perfect format for scathing atheist headline researchers like the Friendly Atheist He-Man.

His indefatigable work has not only made atheism more visible, but his charity work has done a lot to give atheism a more friendly face, a more relatable face.  And even though it seems like we’re actively working to undermine that every week, I think we can all agree that atheism can’t succeed as a movement if it’s just made up of assholes like me.

And bigger assholes like me … at least in circumference.  

Sam Harris.

Alright, so that’s gonna do it for the First Annual Pentagrammy awards, Eli, thanks for dropping by.

And Heath, thanks for fifty great episodes man.  Here’s to fifty more.  And then a few crappy ones because this shit is getting exhausting.

The 40, the 45, the 50 – Jew-Manji!!!

And with one more quick thanks to everybody who wrote in with their favorite moments from our first forty-nine shows, we’re gonna leave you with a few of the Scathing Atheist’s greatest hits.

Outro:

Before we flip the breakers tonight, I wanted to offer an apology and a quick correction; on the calendar segment in episode 48 I gave dates for a few of the major conferences coming up this year, including the dates for TAM 2014, which actually haven’t been announced yet.  Fucked up on the research and accidentally listed the dates for last year’s TAM so sorry for any inconvenience that caused.  We’ll get the correct dates to you as soon as they’re announced.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but if twice as much us just isn’t enough, be sure to check out my guest appearance on The Imaginary Friends Show with Jake Farr-Wharton; you’ll find me along with the incomparable Martin S. Pribble and the only slightly comparable Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and the brand spanking new “Atheistically Speaking” podcast.  You’ll find all of that on episode 166 of Jake’s show, which will, of course, be linked on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/01/27/ifs-166-youre-absolutely-right/

Of course we can’t close this thing out without thanking Heath for all that he’s done and all he continues to do to make this show what it is.  I need to thank Lucinda for adding her unique brand of vulgarity and wit to the show.  I really need to thank Eli for making time for us this week.  And I also want to thank everybody who ever sent in a Farnsworth quote for the show.  To those people that didn’t make it into the montage at the beginning of this episode I apologize; the damn thing just got too long when I included everyone.

I also need to offer a true and sincere thanks to everyone listening for making this whole project fun enough to do fifty times in a row.  We really appreciate you giving us a half hour of your life every week, and occasionally an hour; and we’re already hard at work trying to earn another half hour next week.  Thanks for making the show possible.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most notable humans; William, Evan, Alan, Cherie, Chris, Christine, Jeffrey, Tony, Joseph, Justin, Jerry and April.  William and Evan, whose mighty fists act as emergency backups for the Large Hadron Collider; Alan and Cherie, who are faster than a speeding Kryptonian; Chris and Christine, whose intellects are so legendary their iPhones ask them questions; Jeffrey and Tony, whose erections have been declared Tsunami safe-zones; Joseph and Justin, who are so attractive they each have an event horizon; and Jerry and April, whose very names probably inspired spontaneous orgasms in at least 10 percent of our listeners just now.

These twelve valorous and unblenching heroes earned eternal praise, unwavering appreciation and over-the-top compliments this week be giving us money.  Giving us money is a noble, selfless, laudable act; so if you’d like to test your nobility, selflessness and lauditute, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the home page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d love to help but you spent the family fortune pursuing the perfect robotic delouser, you can also help us with nothing but an internet connection.  It only takes a few minutes to leave us a glowing review on iTunes and the reward lasts a lifetime.  Also, don’t forget to follow us next time you’re on Twitter, subscribe to us next time you’re on YouTube, like us next time you’re on Facebook and call out our names next time you masturbate.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 45 – Partial Transcript

December 26, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Link to Hemant’s Blog

Link to Foundation Beyond Belief

Warning: This podcast breaks between 50 and 70 per cent of the commandments, depending on who you ask.

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fox’s new “holistic programming” channel: Placebo FX; featuring an all-star line up of pseudo-scientific programming including hits like “Grey’s Astrology”, Chiropractor Who and Sons of Anthropometry.

Placebo FX: Because TV execs stopped trying when they realized people would watch American Idol.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s December 26th

And we can finally listen to elevator music in public places again.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from city waiting for it’s balls to drop, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Belgium puts the youth back in euthanasia,

  • Optimus Prime will die for your sins,

  • And Hemant Mehta rejoins us to spackle some cracks in the wall of separation.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

Last week I was doing a little Insufficiently-Executed-Jew-Mas shopping at one of New York’s fine Fifth Avenue retail establishments when I happened upon 5 white haired little old ladies in matching smocks.  And on these smocks they’d written, in glue and glitter, the words, “Granny Peace Brigade”.  And unlike me, they weren’t giving in to seasonally induced mindless-consumerism.  No, quite the opposite in fact.  They were there to protest.  And of all the evils that face our world, they’d chosen to invest their efforts of protestation on fucking video games.

And I stood there and regarded them with anthropological curiosity.  Because clearly they’d put some time into this.  They’d spent the money on matching yellow smocks and they didn’t half ass the glitter.  They’d clearly each made their own, but each one had the team name written in block letters of approximately the same height.  And they’d all met up for crafts and maybe some lunch or something and then headed out to show those evil retailers how they felt about them filthy computer whats-its with the blood and guts in ‘em.

So it’s not the they weren’t willing to put in the time to research it.  They just didn’t do it.  Do violent video games correlate with violence?  There’s mountains of good data out there and much of it is available for free on the internet.  The consensus seems to be almost certainly no and while there’s some indication that violent people tend toward violent video games, there’s no compelling evidence to suggest that violent video games lead to increases in violent behavior.

But these ladies didn’t bother to check.  They’d already invested time and passion and glitter in this shit.  You think they were gonna do some independent research that might have proved them wrong?  Hell no!  Obviously research wasn’t on the menu or they would have picked a store that sold video games.

Research, shmesearch.  They looked at video games, saw violence, looked at the news, saw violence and they put two and two together.  Sure, they got thirteen, but the important thing is that they had an excuse to get together with the bridge club and make a trip to Ben Franklins.

And when I see these misguided geriatric “blood”ites and their fruitless campaign to impact violence through good intentions and stupidity, I can’t help but think back to four mandatory years in high school of English lit with no classes on critical thinking.  No pre-requisites about psychology or epistemology or formal logic.  And nothing against English Lit, but so far in my adult life the ability to spot bullshit has been far handier than even the best of quatrains.

But thanks to religious fundies, critical thinking isn’t on the school menu.  Because think of all the shit teachers get when they teach redneck kids about evolution.  Imagine if the kids were coming home asking where Noah got his Patagonian pumas.  Or how Moses wrote the parts about his own funeral.  Or why we should thank god for sacrificing himself to himself in the first place.

I’m not going to say that religion is the reason people are stupid, but it helps.  It fosters a stupid, overly-accommodating culture that says there are multiple ways to arrive at truth and the ones with evidence and data aren’t any better than the ones without.  We have different ways of evaluating the truth and sure, yours uses your brain, but mine uses my heart.  Or my pancreas, since that’s just as logical a place to say my thoughts come from as my heart.  And my pancreas thoughts are as good as your brain thoughts because science can’t tell us everything and nobody knows for sure.

And meanwhile, if we could just set all that shit aside and agree on a consistent and logical way of evaluating claims (we could call it science) then we could figure out what matters and what doesn’t and put our time toward something more productive than protesting video games, but we’d rather not do that because we don’t like being wrong… and we’ve already made the smocks.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is reigning Champion of the InKredulous Podcast, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to throw down some of that award winning incredulity?

Why are we even talking about this?!?  This entire podcast should go without saying!!!  

If god existed, I wouldn’t win at anything!!!

Well done; now how about some of that award-eligible headline delivering?

In our lead story tonight, A&E suspended ‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson, after the release of a GQ interview, in which he made several unoriginal homophobic remarks, including a hackneyed comparison of gay sex to bestiality.  As a result, God-fearing, Christian, heterosexual sheep fuckers everywhere, are up in arms.  And that means Westboro Baptist Church is up in arms.

Yeah, when the Westboro Baptist Church is coming to your defense, it’s a good sign your career is over.

So the heir to the “synthetic quacking fortune” released a statement…

Did it just say, “I’m a 67 year old Christian redneck from Louisiana that kills small animals for a living; of course I hate queers you idiots.”

No, it actually explained how he’s super tolerant of gays: (quote) “We just give ’em the good news about Jesus – whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later.” (end quote) …

So that’s nice.  He doesn’t put arbitrary labels on people, like gay … alcoholic … suicide bomber.  

And as for that ‘good news’ … those groups are all equally going to hell fairly.  So good news gay drunks who’ve been dying to get into terrorism: Nothing holding you back now!!!  And good news lesbian Al Queda soldiers: Drink up!!!  And good news bi-curious alcoholic suicide bombers: Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance!!!

“Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance”… okay, so when we get them to take “In God We Trust” off the money, we’ve got a ready replacement.

Along with the WBC, several other professional bigoted assholes have voiced support for Robertson’s traditionally acceptable hate speech, including the Family Research Council, and Quran-burning Pastor Terry Jones.  They argue that A&E “not H-eight-ing fags”, denies Robertson’s First Amendment Right to exercise Christianity in a world where all corporations H-eight fags.

The Duck Dynasty Guy getting from the Westboro Baptist Church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/20/westboro-baptist-duck-dynasty_n_4479995.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And from the “Now Where Will We Crucify Voltron?” file tonight, a San Diego federal judge has decided that a 43 foot tall concrete cross on public property could be interpreted as a government endorsement of Christianity.

Or at least government persecution of Jews, Muslims, and Transformers.

Don’t say that around Michael Bay or I swear Optimus’ll be hanging from this thing in part seven.  Now I think it’s worth noting that this is only the latest in a long series of judges ruling the Mount Soledad cross unconstitutional.  Legal wrangling over the status of the controversial eyesore has been ongoing since 1989 and it was already found to be unconstitutional once in the nineties and again in 2011.  Because it’s a giant, gaudy cross sitting on top of a mountain on public property and it doesn’t take a seasoned magistrate to see what’s wrong with that.

I’d say the best way to get rid of the cross would be burning it.  Shouldn’t be too hard to find some Christians to get on board with that.

Proponents of the cross have tried everything from making the surrounding space a memorial to selling the land to transferring it to federal jurisdiction to avoid complying with the constitution, and despite the fact that a church a few hundred feet from the present location has offered to keep it on their property, proponents fight on because what’s the point of having a 29 foot tall cross on a 14 foot base if it isn’t on the summit of a mountain?

Judge orders that Mount Soledad cross be removed: http://marksilk.religionnews.com/2013/12/13/why-the-mt-soledad-cross-and-its-like-are-unconstitutional/

And in “Salvation Arms Race” news, the War on Christmas rages on, as bell-ringer Kristina Vindiola was punched really hard in the arm, while collecting donations outside an Arizona Wal-Mart.  Reports indicate she provoked the violence when she started shouting anti-Christian epithets like “Happy Holidays”.

This may be the stupidest example of Christian dominionism.  Set aside that before they started getting all uppity about it most people thought of “Happy holidays” as a way of getting Merry Christmas and Happy New Year out in 5 syllables; even if it means what they think it means, they’re getting pissed off at people for publicly acknowledging the fact that some people have a different religion than them.  How dare some?

So an un-named “Merry Christmas Fundamentalist” heard Vindiola use slurs like the “H-words” several times, as well as other inflammatory synonymous phrases like, “BLANK-cember 25th”.  The Christian shopper obviously became incensed, and shouted back something like: “Don’t you believe in God? It’s Merry Christmas, you godless cunt!” – and then assaulted Vindiola for being a terrible Christian.

Salvation Army volunteer punched for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/17/kristina-vindiola-punched-happy-holidays_n_4460525.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

And in equal opportunity genital joke news tonight, the Russian Punk Band Pussy Riot was released from a Russian prison last week when it was deemed that the national threat that their metronomic cadence and scaled down barred chords presented had sufficiently expired.

And the feminist movement takes another blow … which they hate.  The most famous all-female band in history still has “Pussy” in their name.  Pussy Riot surpassed the illustrious Pussycat Dolls on their climb to the top of the … tiny area below the glass floor.

The members of the all-girl band were originally imprisoned after recording a music video that criticized the Russian church’s support of Putin and in a theoretically abnormal abuse of anti-blasphemy laws, Putin incarcerated the group after painstakingly revealing the details of his evil plan.

And I suppose now that we’re this deep into the Pussy story, it’s inevitable that we put 30 seconds on the clock…

I can usually go twice that long.

Names for Vaginal Tribute bands.  Go!

Bled Zeppelin

Johnny Gash and Tennessee Twat

Cooze Traveler

Cleft Leppard

Blue Oyster Cunt

Queef Latifah

Molly Hatchet Wound

And for the ladies who like in the Jazz; Cunt Basie and the Kansas Titty 5

Phish … Tacos

Queen Crimson, maybe?  More like a gay joke than a pussy joke, I guess…

Grand Master Gash  

Labio-Head?

Meat Loaf Wallet

Fleetwood Crack

Pink Void: featuring Roger Twatters

Hoo-Hah and the Blowfish

Snatch Box Twenty

I have a few more, but I think that’s enough feminism for the time being.

Amazing that in 17 vagina puns we never used “clit”

I looked for one but I couldn’t find it.

Pussy-Riot members released from prison: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/20/pussy-riot-rockers-convicted-of-religious-hatred-are-released-from-russian-prison/

And just a few quick items before we close the headlines . . .

Item One: 61 years after UK courts convicted math and computer genius Alan Turing of being too gay while cracking Nazi cryptography, and 59 years after his related suicide, the living Queen pardoned the dead queen, and apologized that he was offered chemical castration via female hormone sex-change injections in lieu of jail.

So soon?

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/24/world/europe/alan-turing-enigma-code-breaker-and-computer-pioneer-wins-royal-pardon.html

Item Two is a quick update on the would be Satanic monument on the Oklahoma Statehouse steps that we talked about a couple of episodes ago.  After receiving additional requests from Hindus and animal right activists, the state has declared a moratorium on new monuments, that will, of course, not affect the ten commandments monument that got this ball of shit rolling.

Oklahoma declares “moratorium” on displays at Statehouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/19/okla-wont-allow-new-requests-for-capitol-monuments-after-satanists-others/

Item Three: Human veal supply will spike after euthanasia was approved for youth in Belgium.  And it’s about time . . . When you eat Chinese children, you just want to adopt another kid thirty minutes later.  

http://www.religionnews.com/2013/12/19/belgium-debates-allowing-gravely-ill-children-right-die/

And quick, before it gets worse, we’ll close out the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, I’ll be rejoined by Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta to talk about what students can do to keep god out of their high schools.

Outro:

Before we apologize awkwardly and claim it’s never happened to us before tonight, I wanted to direct you to a hilarious episode of the InKredulous Podcast featuring Jay Novella of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe, our very own Heath Enwright and our very own me.  You can Google InKredulous (with a “K”) or you can look for a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.  Huge thanks to Andy for the invite.

http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/

I also need to thank Lucinda for opening the show for us, I need to thank Heath for his humorous lack of a moral compass, I need to thank Hemant Mehta once again for a really productive and interesting conversation and I want to remind you that you can find links to his website and the Foundation Beyond Belief on our homepage and on the shownotes for this episode.

Of course, I’ve also gotta thank Dustin from the Atheist Nomads podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  His partner did one before but Dustin made more of the rock star entrance.  If you haven’t checked out their podcast yet you have noone to blame for it but yourself.  Again, links can be found on the shownotes.

http://www.atheistnomads.com/

I need to congratulate Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for Grinching all the joy out of Christmas for me this year by defeating me by less than four points last week in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, thus earning the first ever championship title in said league.

But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most exceptional vertebrates; Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane.  Steve-O, who’s so cool they measure him in Kelvin; Chester, who’s fortified with 13 essential vitamins and minerals; David, whose athletic prowess is so great he hold records in sports he’s never played; Ryan, who is second only to the Hokey-Pokey in being what it’s all about; James, who shall one day inherit a kingdom and make a killing with it on ebay and Magnus the Great Dane, who is, by default more correct on the god question than more than three-quarters of the world’s human population because even a species that eats it’s own poop knows better than to believe in god.

These six notable and noble humanitarians and caninatarians have justified the proterozoic leap into multi-cellular life this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the compassion, composure and competence to compensate us, but if you think you share Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane complementable competence, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you got duped by that old “better to give than to receive” line again this year and blew all your cash, no worries.  You can also help us a ton by leaving us a review on iTunes and checking us out on all the various social media places you frequent.  Oh, and check us out on Stitcher because I forgot to mention that the last couple weeks and our Stitcher ranking dropped so do that.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 43 – Partial Transcript

December 12, 2013 Leave a comment

Oh, were you stopping by for the Stitcher Award Nomination Link?  CLICK HERE… (and thanks)

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda&Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains adult language including two shits, a fuck, a piss, another fuck, dick, jizz, another fuck, motherfucker, bitch, two more shits, cunt, cock, fucktard, fuck-nozzle, several assholes, more fucks…

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of pre-apocalyptic rapture supply outlets; Genesis 7-11.  Because now that they’re letting the queers get married, you know god’s judgment can’t be far off.  Mention this ad and get a free set of swimmies with any purchase over twenty dollars.

Genesis 7-11: Thank you Jesus, come again.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s December 12th

And my ass is less of a J-Lo, and more of a Cee Lo

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from coniferous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • We’ll learn that it’s hard to roll R’s with a dick in your mouth.

  • We’ll find out that everyone has an equal right to discriminate against gays.

  • And the perfect, plump roundness of Rush Limbaugh’s face is related to pi.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

If Tennessee is the buckle of the bible belt, South Georgia is the taint.  Which works out well because clearly the Florida panhandle is the scrotum.  So unless you consider the Mississippi delta to be the asshole, in which case coastal Alabama is the taint, South Georgia is the de facto Bible taint.

And boy what a taint it is.  I should know.  I spent a big chunk of my childhood there.  I spent six formative years of my life living in a place where the two accepted religious affiliations were Baptist and Devil-Worshipper.  Where you had to drive to a theater two towns away to see blasphemous films like, I shit you not, Wayne’s World.  Where church groups organized dozens of people to protest a comic book shop because they were promoting, I continue to shit you not, Dungeons and Dragons.

My first job was washing dishes at a local pizzeria where I was dismissed as “the guy who thinks we came from monkeys”.  The principle at my high school led the students in prayer during the morning announcements and before each football game.  My 10th grade English teacher once spent an entire hour telling us about the dangers of Satanism and my 9th grade science teacher once told the class that gays were an abomination against god and should be dragged into the street and shot.

Religion was everywhere.  It was in the school, it was at the mall, it was protesting in front of the movie theater, it was showing up uninvited at my house, it was scolding me from every church sign, it was staring at me from the bumper of every pickup, it was blessing me from every cash register, it was blockading my girlfriend’s vagina.  It was inescapable, in charge and insane.

And the stories they believed weren’t just crazy, they were fucking silly.  I couldn’t comprehend how anyone took them seriously.  I remember walking past church services and wondering if it was all an elaborate hoax that everyone was in on but me.  It felt like I was the only sane person on the planet.

I wanted to grab people as they came out of church and say, “can’t we at least agree that this is exactly what religion would look like if it was just made up out of whole cloth to oppress people?  Can’t we at least agree that if a ten year old was lying about his invisible pet alien he would use the exact same debate tactics that you guys use?  Can’t we at least agree that taking this book about dragons and talking donkeys and resurrected Jews seriously without asking for a shred of tangible evidence is functionally indistinguishable from clinical nincompoopery?”

I couldn’t understand it.  Many of these people were reasonable and far more intelligent than me when we weren’t talking about resurrected Jewish messiahs, but as soon as that subject came up an otherwise rational human being would start spouting proofs that they’d never accept in any non-religious circumstance.  All of a sudden basic moral precepts like “burning people for eternity is wrong” and “babies aren’t evil sinners” fly out the fucking window.

And for years I just wrote those folks off as stupid.  And it’s damned tempting.  It’s damn tempting to laugh off the Chicken Little campaigns against Harry Potter books and World of Warcraft and say that they’re the products of misguided, uniformed, paranoid minds.  But if you leave it there, you’re underestimating them and you’re underestimating the consequences of growing up in a town that was willing to rise up as one to keep the scourge of Wayne’s World from the local youth.

Religion can only survive on ignorance.  Information is the achilles heel of faith and unless they control everything a person watches or plays or reads or learns, nobody’s ever gonna buy into their bullshit.  They won’t be able to shut the critical parts of their brain down in those critical moments.  They have to fight against everything because it takes a lot of work to make people continue to believe in demonic snakes and octa-centurion ark builders.

But there was no internet back then.  There was no way to fact-check them when they controlled the bookstores and the library and the schools.  A kid could feel like he or she was the only person in the world with a fully functional brain.  There was no internet and there were no forums or wikis or podcasts or blogs.

And maybe when you strip away all the post-hoc justifications, that’s the real reason I do this show.  Just to know that when religion dies, I’ll have been a small contributor to the murder weapon.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow brain in a jar Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to dismiss hard solipsism due to it’s lack of functional consequence?

Dismiss what?

Well there you go then.

In our lead story tonight, Al Azhar – a prestigious Islamic university in Cairo – released a study last month examining the fatwas issued by Islamic theocrats in Egypt during the one-year reign of Mohamed Morsi that ended in July of this year.  And if you’re anything like me, and you worry about your 10-year-old wife’s tiny vagina being torn to shreds by something other than your adult male penis, the rules all make perfect sense.

So we’re just shredding 10 year old vaginas right up front, huh?  Just gonna show up for the blind date with dick in hand.  No, that’s fine…

For example, common sense stuff like: “Avoid creating a comfortable rape environment by turning off the air conditioner when you expect your heat-sensitive rapist neighbor might stop by.”    

And as much as I wish you made that up, no, that’s a real fatwa.  Better your wife spend her days in an un-air-conditioned house in a country with an average high temperature over 90 degrees.

There was another decree that prohibited women from handling bananas, cucumbers, and other phallic flora … that they might shove inside themselves in rabid seizures of uncontrollable female desire.  Lesbians were also banned from buying almonds, curtains, and modern art … and from existing in the country.

There was also a fatwa against having sex naked, though, so you never have to know exactly which gender you’re fucking.

My favorite fatwa was issued in response to a clever group of Muslim adulteresses, who were cheating on their husbands with salt water.  Turns out the word for “ocean” is a masculine noun, and if the wrong arbitrary linguistic gender assignment touches your wife’s vagina, it’s adultery.  But for some reason, it’s perfectly normal for men to swim in a sea of dicks.  

Just don’t swallow.  It’s salty as fuck.

The Muslim Brotherhood showcased a surprisingly good string of puns when they released the following headline in conjunction with the Adultery Swim Fatwa . . . (quote) “Buoys on the Tide: Sticky situation in the Perversion Gulf as married women swim in gland shark infested waters seeking salt water staffy and motion in the brocean.” (end quote)

I’m adding the Adultery Swim channel’s existence to Jet Pack and the Darth Vader butt plug in case Santa is listening.

But here’s the problem . . . The Arabic word for “nothing” is also masculine, which means she’s gotta put something in there, but only about half the things are eligible, so it gets tricky.  Book, but not page.  Finger, but not knuckle.  Shaft, but not tip.  And again, no veggies, so what’s a girl to do?!?

Fatwa: Women who swim in the ocean are committing adultery: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/12/1/-fatwa-women-who-swim-in-the-sea-commit-adultery-should-be-punished <<also>> http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/fatwa-al-azhar-university-cairo-women-swimming-in-sea-adultresses/1/326883.html

And in “Satan debatin’” news tonight; devil’s advocate, posthumous lesbianator and head of the New York based Satanic Temple Lucien Greaves has made it back into the news this week by filing a request to place a Satanic monument on the steps of the Oklahoma Statehouse… right next to the one with the ten commandments on it.  Greaves argues that if that space is reserved for religious displays, his religion has as much right to it as any other and unfortunately for Oklahoma theocrats, the stupid laws they recently enacted accidentally agree with him.

This is the great playground moment.  That asshole kid makes up a shitty new rule about the endzone boundary, and the very next play he’s past the hydrant, so it’s out of bounds.    

When asked about the possibility of a Satanic monument, representative Bobby Cleveland dismissed the idea and the Satanists behind it as falling under (quote) “the nut category”.  And not because believing in a giant red monster with a pitchfork that tempts humanity and runs the HR department in Hades is nutty.

So the notion that Lex Luthor exists is ridiculous … but Superman’s obviously real!!!

The Temple says they’re considering a number of designs none of which, unfortunately, involve Jesus and sodomy.  And I’d put 30 seconds on the clock here for Jesus Butt-Rape porn titles, but something tells me we’re gonna need that 30 seconds later.

But if anybody wants to chime in with a few, it’s been way too long since (hashtag) Butt Raping Jesus was trending on Twitter . . . I’ll get things rolling . . . Ass-Holy Communion: Receiving the Body of Christ . . .

Satanist seek to put up monument in Oklahoma courthouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/08/satanists-seek-spot-next-to-ten-commandments-monument-on-steps-oklahoma/

And from the “Popes Parting Velvet Ropes” file, Catholicism’s Rico Chart-Topper told Italian churchgoers that he gained valuable experience as a bouncer at a nightclub in Argentina, where it was also very important to correctly identify the age of a minor, no matter what kind of tip they offered.  His only regret was jumping right into the priesthood, before he got more experience working the rear entrance.

I wonder how the Union of Argentinian Bouncers is taking this news.  On the one hand they might be thinking of using it in their advertising; you know, bounce today, pontificate tomorrow; but on the other hand it’s gotta knock your badass image down three or four spots when people know your job could be done by the elderly hybridization of Woody Allen and Droopy Dog.

To bolster his reputation as the “people’s” supreme pontiff, Pope Frangioplasty made sure to mention that before he was even known as Reverend Whore-Gay Beer Goggles, he was just a normal blue-collar guy, checking fugitive Nazi ID’s, sweeping floors, and figuring out how to become humanity’s conduit to the implied omnipotent watch-maker of the universe.    

Pope admits he used to work as a bouncer: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/03/pope-i-was-once-a-bar-bouncer/

And in the “Who Would Jesus Shitcan?” file tonight, we have the story of Michael Griffin, a former teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, who was a current teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania until administrators recently found evidence that he was trying to marry a dude.

It’s weird that they find the ‘attempt to marry’ more offensive than the pre-marital butt sex.

And because US law somehow protects the rights of Catholic institutions to write in “no sucking off dudes” clauses into employment contracts, this bullshit is legal.  When asked how being gay-married could possibly affect the performance of Spanish and French teacher, an imaginary representative of the school explained that (quote) “being a homosexual probably helps you with French but he has to teach Spanish, too.”

Gay Catholic School teacher fired for applying for marriage lisence: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/dec/08/us-catholic-school-fires-gay-teacher-marriage

And in “Rush versus The Holy Triumverate” news, Rush Limbaugh is furious at Pope Franno Domini for endangering the Republican Party’s delicate Christianity hijack mission, by reminding Catholics that Jesus – as well as Kindergarten – both teach that “sharing is nice”.  Limbaugh believes the Pope is just bitter over losing to him in a “Jowl Roundness Contest”.

I’m dying to know how that thing was judged: I’m picturing them both holding one of those little Japanese drums from Karate Kid Two under their chins, flopping their heads back and forth.  Next up, in the acorn hoarding round…

The Octo-Chinned Conservative Casey Kasem – who labeled the Pope’s sharing remarks as (quote) “pure Marxism” – became an expert economist while failing to graduate from Southeast Missouri State.  In fairness, for all we know he could have breezed through at his safety school, which was West Northwest Southeast Missouri A&M.

Go Paddlefish!

Limbaugh released a segment called, “It’s Sad How Wrong Pope Francis Is [parentheses] (Unless It’s a Deliberate Mistranslation By Leftists)” . . . So built into his title – in parentheses! … as if almost tacitly understood! – is the claim that liberal spies have likely infiltrated the English translation department at the Vatican, for the purposes of sneaking references to “Das Kapital” into the Pope’s translated speeches, thus undermining American capitalism.

He’s not the best in the business for nothin’.  Glenn Beck would have needed 10 minutes and a chalkboard to connect all that shit and Rush does it 14 words and some brackets.

In honor of shitty Christian commentators, as well as yellow and brown journalists everywhere, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Christian Assholes as Shit Porn Stars – GO!!!

And I’m adding the 30 seconds I didn’t use earlier because that’s fucking awesome.  So now go.

I’ll start it out with a topical Flush Limbaugh … just as a courtesy.

Bowel O’Steen?  Wait… that sounded better before I said it… um… Joel O’Stain?

Maybe Bowl Osteen? . . . No- Bowel Sharpton.

Or Bowely Graham, maybe?

Speaking of stretching the bowels: Bran Coulter?

Brick Perry

Dick Santorum’s too easy . . . Wolf Shitzer?

Cardinal Timothy Colon

Deuce Almighty

Fanny Crosby?  That’s only funny if you’re a fan of late 17th century hymns, I guess.  How about Pope Fran-Cesspool?

L Ron Buggered

No fair using Scientologists.  My first thought was Shit Romney, but I didn’t use him, because Mormonism is a cult.

Anal Roberts

T.P. Jakes!

Scat Robertson

Rush v. the Holy Triumverate: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/02/rush-limbaugh-vs-the-pope/

Well, I hate to pinch off the poop puns early, but we’re outta time.  Heath, thanks for hanging out.

And when we return, Lucinda will join us to ruin her chances at a future political career.

One Kings in Rhyme

 

I suppose that if I was a deity, who fashioned the earth and the seas,

Then covered all up in creatures and made some subordinate mes,

And I had a message I wanted to send them, something that I thought was vital,

I’d probably write them a list of instructions, or at least divinely inspire a bible.

 

It would be hard to decide what to tell them, though, since the book could be only so long,

I’d want them to know there was purpose, and to know the right path from the wrong.

And I’d stress over what I’d include there, and I’d stress over what to omit,

After all there’s a lot more to say than the space of one single book would permit.

 

See, I’d want to impart on them knowledge, and show them the value of peace,

And I’d probably want to include something in it, about the nature of germs and disease.

Should I remind them not to rape women?  Or not to make people work without pay?

Should I tell them they can’t beat their children?  Or beat off more than four times a day?

 

Should I explain that the sun’s in the center?  Or the value of washing with soap?

Should I explain in unmistakable terms that there’s always a reason to hope?

Well, according to god the most wise course of action, is to leave out all of those things,

And make sure there’s plenty of space that’s left over, for a long list of Israel’s kings.

 

But I guess that’s why I don’t write bibles, and am just some anonymous tit,

And he’s the all-knowing creator of all, and the alpha, omega and shit.

If you read my book you’d know to be thoughtful, and to let people love who they choose,

But I’d fuck up and leave out important details, like who led the sixth century BCE jews.

 

I’d have skipped all the stuff about Solomon, and the temple he built for the Lord,

And instead I’ve had told them how telescopes work and what wonders they might point them toward.

I’d have droned on and on about hygiene, wasted time on nutritional facts,

And forgotten to mention who was leading the Jews when the Philistine army attacks.

 

I’d have pissed away pages on problems they would face as their populace grows,

And I’d have probably put is some stuff I can’t fathom that only a deity knows.

I’d have wasted a couple of chapters on the equality of genders and races,

And I’d have forgotten to smite them and punish their children for pillar and poles in high places.

 

I suppose that if I were to write it, you’d have questions at the end of the tome.

Like, “How long did it take for the third king of Israel to finish building his solid gold home?”

So I’ll submit that as I’m just a mortal, I can’t fathom a deity’s ways,

But from my perspective it’s fair to conclude that he sure writes in mysterious phrase.

Babble (One Kings)

One Kings; because god knows that you can never get enough mythologized Jewish history.  This book babbles endlessly about a series of Israel’s kings as though it’s daring you to keep reading.

And I think the singular is pronounced “king”.

So joining Heath and me to celebrate being one sixth of the way through this book is my beautiful wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back.

Always happy to be here.

The books are pretty linear at this point, so no need to set anything up; this basically starts right where Two Samuel ends.

  1. Now King David is old and sick and we have to decide who gets to be the next king.

    1. But before we get to all that, we have to tell you about the king’s new hooker, who he wasn’t fucking.

    2. No, she was just keeping him warm.

    3. “She wasn’t jerking me off!  She was trying to start a fire with my cock.”

    4. Yeah, King David was cold so his doctor prescribed a new virgin.  And also Solomon became king and his bro Adonijah was more than a little pissed about it.”

  • The talent pool in the desert must have been running dry, considering the most attractive woman in the land is named “Abishag the Shunammite” . . . Sounds more like an orc general from Lord of the Rings.   

  1. Then we get this touching bit where David takes Solomon aside and offers his final words.  And it’s basically a list of people he wants Solomon to kill.

    1. Including Shimei, the dude that David promised not to kill in the previous chapter.  He says, “All I said was I wouldn’t kill him.  I never said anything about you, or other hired assassins.  That wasn’t in the contract.”

    2. And then Adonijah says, “Hey bro, since you got the whole kingdom and everything, you think I could have dad’s new hooker?”  Solomon says “no” and then kills him for asking.

  2. And then Solomon proves he’s wise by threatening to cut a baby in half.

    1. This is actually a pretty fucked up story.  Two women are accusing each other of killing their baby and swapping him out for a living one, which is fucked up enough before David starts threatening to split the baby down the middle.

    2. So naturally the real mom says, “No, don’t chop the baby in half you fucking psycho!” but the other lady says, “Yeah, that makes sense.  I’ll take half a baby.  It’s enough for a stew.”

  • And this is Solomon’s tagline moment . . . His “Yippie Ki-Yay Mother Truckers!”  His defining biblical event is an episode of Judge Judah, when he settles a maternity dispute between a murderous whore and a regular whore.  Also, since when are single mother whores trying to keep their babies?!?  I guess the name Johnson had to start somewhere.

  1. And then chapter 4 is basically a list of Solomon’s cabinet, a list of what he eats and a list of people he was smarter than.

  • They make very sure to mention that he spake 3000 proverbs, and wrote one thousand … five … songs … Which is clearly bullshit.  Those are the most obviously “made-up numbers” I’ve ever heard.  There’s no way he hits EXACTLY 3000 proverbs and EXACTLY 1000 songs, but can’t resist writing 5 extra jingles.         

  1. And then Solomon gets the wheels turning on his new temple.  And let me tell ya it’s gonna be one bitchin’ ass temple.

  2. And in case you were wondering, say, how many cubits wide the nave was or how many sides the door posts have, it’s all spelled out in chapter six.

    1. Yeah, and god has the same interior design sense as Jay-Z apparently.

  • HaShemTV Cribs . . . Sons of Joshua Cribs

  1. And then we get all the important details about Solomon’s palace, including the latticework, the dishes, candle snuffers and spittoons.  Really important shit going on here.

  • “I know I’m just a slave laborer helping you build a palace, but do you guys think it’s the best idea to put all the gold, and the god box, all in one place?!?  I think we’re overdoing it a little.  I’m literally carrying a single basket of golden eggs.”  

  1. And then he has a house party…

  2. And for all his help building the temple and shit, Solomon gives Hiram 20 cities, but apparently they were his 20 crappiest cities.

  3. This book of the bible is like a first date with a rich douche.  Every few sentences we’re hearing about Solomon’s throne or his golden vessels or his fleets or his platinum butt plug.

  • I think we call this a … ‘teachable moment’ … Jews should only put the rarest of metals in their palace, and in their ass.  “But hold on – Stop making golden calves.  You guys always go straight to that!”       

  1. And in chapter 10 I’m pretty sure it brags about him fucking the Queen of Sheba, too.

  • I believe it said he gave her everything she desired, and a taste of the royal bounty on top.  So I’m pretty sure they fucked, and it sounds like they even got a milk and honey shot in there.          

  1. And in case you were wondering what kind of mileage he’s getting with that dick of his, Chapter 11 actually starts with the words, “Solomon loved many foreign women” and went on to describe his harem of more than a thousand wives..

  • This guy spread more STDs to minorities than the Tuskeegee Experiments.

    1. And if I’ve learned anything from this book, when vaginas show up, trouble can’t be far behind.  So, of course, his wives talk him into turning against god and offering burnt offerings to other gods so real god concoct this convoluted, multi-generational revenge plot.

  1. So Solomon dies and his son Rehoboam takes over.  The people come to their new king saying, “Hey, it would be awesome if you stopped whipping us.”  And Rehoboam endeared himself to the people by saying, “You don’t like the whips?  No more whips.  We’ll use scorpions instead.”

    1. And then the kingdom was divided because god likes to go over his shoulder to scratch his ass.

  • And they open 2 Mooby Burgers.  

  1. So you’ve got Jeroboam who god gives a chunk of the kingdom to and he’s an asshole, too.  He starts making non-Levite priests so god sends a prophet to tell Jeroboam that the shit’s about to hit the fan.

    1. And then god kills the prophet with a fucking lion for eating food and drinking water.

  • Falls for the oldest trick in the book.  Some guy walks up to him: “Are you a prophet from God?  Get the fuck out of here – me too!!!  Let’s go eat.  Oh you have a note from God that says don’t eat.  This is so crazy.  I have a note.  Also from God.  Says that you should disregard your note and go eat with me, after which you will definitely NOT be mauled by a tiger.”  

  1. So basically you’ve got Jeroboam running Israel into the ground and at the same time you’ve got Rehoboam fucking things up in Judah.

    1. Yeah, apparently they were making high places, pillars and sacred poles.  And if that’s not bad enough (and it is), their temple prostitutes were the wrong gender.

    2. Bunch of savages in this town.

  • Man-whores just aren’t cost effective . . . from an orifice perspective.  Less bang for your buck . . . despite more “schmekel per shekel”.  

  1. And is it just me or is this book pissed off at you for reading it?  It keeps saying stuff like “And are not the acts of Abijam, are they not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?”

  • Are you telling me the Gideons expect me to just guess what else happened to Abijam?!?  I’m sitting here in my hotel room like an idiot … trying to get the whole story on this Judaism stuff.    

    1. And during this unending war between Israel and Judah the Israelis get some practice walling off territories and that’ll come in handy later.

  1. And then we just start churning through one king after the other.  King so and so reigned for so many years and did evil by the lord greater than all the kings before him and then he died, ad infinitum

  2. And then we finally meet Elijah, who god is pawning around during a drought.  And he’s pretty badass.  He has birds that feed him and magic jars of food and he even brings kids back from the dead by rubbing his genitals against them.

  • Right … three dick rubs resurrects a dead baby.  They don’t mention this, but if you do it right, that will also get you to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.  I learned that the hard way.  

  1. So Elijah shows up all Charles Bronsony and decides to prove that god is god by challenging the prophets of Baal to a divine Ox-burning contest, in which he kicks ass.

    1. And then to emphasize how total his victory is, he kills all the prophets of Baal.

  2. Then Elijah flees like a pansy and god commands him to anoint a few new kings.

    1. And in a lost “who’s on first base” opportunity, Elijah meets Elisha

  3. Then there’s some boring war shit and one king attacks another king… fuck, I don’t even know anymore.  All I know is somebody didn’t kill the person god told him to kill so god gets all pissy.

    1. And we learn this from a bizarre story involving a masochistic prophet and a divine lion attack.

  4. Then Ahab wants Naboth’s vineyard, but he won’t sell it.  So Ahab’s wife arranges to have him stoned to death.

    1. God hears about this and gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell Ahab he’s fucked and dogs are gonna eat his wife.  

    2. But Ahab fasts and wears a sack around so god says, “shucks, I guess I don’t have to kill you and have dogs eat your wife.  I suppose we can save that punishment for your kids.”

  5. And then it ends with this long, pointless story about Jehoshaphat and the King of Israel want to go to war with Ramoth-Gilead and all but one of the prophets say they’ll win, but one prophet says the other prophets are full of shit… and they were.

    1. And the king gets killed in battle and, just as god had decreed, dogs lapped up his blood and, and in an understated twist, prostitutes bathed in it.

  • Yeah I’m confused by all the whore talk.  Why would there be prostitutes … when they had slaves?  Slave is the world’s oldest profession.  That’s like buying CDs on Napster.        

So I suppose the real mystery of One Kings is how the fuck they managed to finance the sequel.  We’ll find that out in three weeks and in the meantime, we’ll be washing our brains out with soap.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks for sticking with it.

Outro

Before we ring the final bell tonight, I wanted to make a quick correction.  We covered a story last week about public prayer booths in Kansas City and it was almost completely bullshit.  Sorry about that.  Another fail in our story-vetting process.  We’ll try to tighten that up and in the meantime I want to thank all the astute listeners who clued us in on that.

I also wanted to let everyone know that the nomination phase has started for the 2nd annual Stitcher Awards.  Heath, Lucinda and I really, really, really want to win one and we need your help.  You can nominate us up to once per day in as many categories as you think are appropriate.  So if you have a few minutes and you’re feeling generous this holiday season, please head over to Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com and nominate the shit out of us.  Daily.  I’m not too proud to beg.  You’ll also find links to the nomination page on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page because, like I said, I’m not too proud to beg.

http://stitcher.promotw.com/

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with a visit from the Friendly Atheist himself, Hemant Mehta so get excited about that.  But if you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out episode 33 of The Herd Mentality Podcast with Adam Reakes, where you can hear my impression of Joel O’Steen orgasming to death on an 8 horsepower, turbocharged, solid gold butt plug.

http://herdmentalitypodcast.com/

I need to thank Heath for keeping it real, Lucinda for putting up with the two of us, I want to thank everyone who did some Holiday shopping on our Cafe Press site and, of course, a huge thanks to Evan Bernstein from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s one fifth of my all-time favorite podcast, really cool of him to do it and of course, you’ll find a link to his show on this week’s shownotes, right next to the link to nominate us for a Stitcher Award.

http://www.theskepticsguide.org/

But most of all I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans, Wayne, Debbie and Vinnie; Wayne, whose ejaculations have seismological designations; and Debbie and Vinnie, whose altruism and advice deserves less of a one liner and more of a very genuine thanks on behalf of both my wife and myself for reminding us that generally speaking, humans are awesome.

And since I already hit you up for a Stitcher nomination half a dozen times, I’m not gonna bother reminding you that if you’d like to support the show financially you’ll find the donation button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 41: Partial Transcript

November 28, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, but if you can handle the blasphemy and the profanity, you’re in for a Jesus-raping good time.

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Catholicism in a can, Vaticampbell’s Soup; the perfect post traumatic meal for altar boys.  High in vitamins, protein and spermicides, it’s the perfect treat for being good and not telling mommy what happened.

Vaticampbell’s Soup: Get some from your priest in the can.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’sThanksgiving,

And 392 years ago, not today, the Christians tricked the Native Americans with a big meal right before the genocide.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright

And from helium depleting New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • A Methodist reverend is flagged for allowing head to head contact on a defenseless tight end receiver.

  • We’ll explore the nuances of Texas dildo regulations,

  • And Israel levies a foreskin tax of 51,100 dollars a year.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Ah, Thanksgiving, the Americanist of all holidays.  It’s gluttonous, wasteful, self-indulgent and better than the Canadian version.  We celebrate by taking in an inexcusable number of calories and then watching other people burning calories off on television… violently.  We throw away more food per capita than some populations eat on the average day, we gloss over our genocidal national origin with a bunch of feel-good pseudo-history and we mark the start of a four week blitzkrieg of rampant consumerism and that’s all pretty damned American; but the most American thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s secular.

There’s no awkward bullshit religious ceremonies your in-laws are trying to talk you into attending.  There’s no break in the middle of the Cowboy’s game where Linus takes center stage and tells us about the birth of Mithra.  There’s no team of evangelicals plaguing the media for weeks beforehand telling us that Jesus is the justification for the mastication.  We just get together and eat innocent turkeys.  And innocent gravy.  We come together with our friends and family regardless of which invisible superhero clears out parking spaces for them.  And but for a perfunctory saying of grace and grandma rathering you not refer to them as “deviled” eggs, religion doesn’t enter into it at all.  And damn it, I don’t care what they say on Fox News, that’s as American as it gets.

Most of the secular holidays we celebrate in this country are tainted by a bunch of rah-rah patriotism and I’m not usually one for the “Don’t tread on me; screw the immigrants and the indigenous, America ‘fuck yeah’” flag waver, but when this country was founded it was almost certainly the most secular nation in the history of humanity and that’s a lineage I’m proud to claim.

Of course there are plenty of evangelicals out there desperately trying to literally rewrite the history books to whitewash the secularism out of our national character, but considering how plainly codified it is in the Constitution, they’ll have to rewrite a hell of a lot more than Texas textbook guidelines to get rid of it.  And make no mistake, there’s a huge contingent of politically motivated Christians hell-bent on doing exactly that.

And why wouldn’t they be?  Religion would be doing way better if it was legally mandated.  Hell, when you consider the categorical superiority of the secular alternative to everything religion does or ever did, it’s fair to say that a legal mandate is the only hope religion has to survive.  When I hear the Michele Bachmann crowd screaming “Jesus for Emperor in 2016” I don’t write it off as crazy.  I look at it as their last chance.

I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never met an atheist who thinks religion should be outlawed.  I’m sure there are a few of them bumbling around somewhere, but every atheist I’ve ever met and every respected voice in the atheist movement is just calling for a fair marketplace of ideas.  We’re just asking that religion be evaluated by the same means as everything else and be given no special privilege on the simple merit of being a religion.  It’s the kind of thing you can afford to espouse when you’re on the side with all the evidence.

In the time I’ve been doing this podcast a lot of people have asked me, “what’s the point?”  Now, in the past I’ve largely dismissed this question.  Life is like a JJ Abrams script; there’s doesn’t have to be a point and things don’t have to add up.  It’s enough that we’re having fun recording it and other people are having fun listening to it.

But whenever I see the specter of theocracy creeping into the national conversation, I rethink that.  I was on a panel the other day with CJ Werleman discussing his new book, “Crucifying America” where he makes the argument that unless atheists can match the political enthusiasm of the Christian right, the forces of theocracy are going to continue chipping away at our secular government and they won’t stop until we can out-zealot Iran.

So this year, when I’m gorging on seared bird flesh and watching the Lions discover a new and creative way to blow a fourth quarter lead, I’ll be thankful that I live in a secular nation.  And when the “itis” wears off, I’ll get back to work doing my part to keep it that way.

Because America, fuck yeah.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is religious marketing expert Heath Enwright.  Heath, any advertising advice for Christianity?

Might be time for a new logo.  Yeah I feel like the torture diorama could be a little more relatable …  Maybe a different murder victim, on a different shape.  Instead of Jesus on a cross, what about chalk-outline-guy on a circle?

Or at the very least they could give the Buddy-Christ a day in court.

Speaking of days in court . . . In our lead story tonight, a federal judge in Wisconsin found it ridiculous that she was needed to decide that people with income, have to pay income tax, even if they’re employed by a fictional character.  US District Judge Barbara Crabb struck down a 1954 law that allowed ministers a tax-exemption designed to compensate for their unique financial burden called “housing costs”.  

You know, it’s tempting to celebrate here, but the real victims here are the children.  Because, as I understand it, most priests can barely afford to lubricate their victims now.

Indeed, tear-free ass lube for kids is another unique financial burden for clergy.  So the lawsuit was filed by the Freedom From Religion Foundation against the Treasury Department and the IRS, for letting clergy steal an estimated 700 million dollars a year from public coffers, on this exemption alone.  And just to spite the Tea Party, Obama plans to divide these extra funds among communist lesbian single mothers to pay for their 20 imaginary children, and buy crack.

Oh c’mon, that’s ridiculous.  When you consider the Obama-mandated 93% abortion rate, that lesbian communist single mom would have to get pregnant 286 times to have that many kids.

And the crack’s gonna lead to a few miscarriages, so that number’s even higher.  And as much as it pains me to do this, let’s segue away from crack babies, over to a statement from Russell Moore, president of Baptists for Tax Evasion, who argued: (quote) [sic] “The clergy housing allowance isn’t a government establishment of religion, but just the reverse.  The allowance is neutral to all religions.” [end sic] (end quote) . . . Well as long as the Jews and A-Rabs are allowed to steal too . . . So the opposite of Christians stealing billions of dollars . . . is Christians, Jews, and Muslims stealing billions of dollars?!?

Wisconsin judge strikes down parsonage exemption: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/23/federal-judge-in-wisconsin-strikes-law-that-gives-clergy-tax-free-housing/ and http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/24/a-federal-judges-significant-decision-clergy-tax-free-housing-is-not-constitutional/

And in the disturbingly thin “Too Stupid for Texas” file tonight, the Texas Board of Education has rejected the most recent attempt to force intelligent design theory into school textbooks despite the pro-creationism side’s outdated and off-topic endorsement from Jesus.

And just to review the level of competition in this category, “too stupid for Texas”, means dumber than Ted Cruz, Vanilla Ice, George Dubya, and a law that makes it a felony to own six or more dildos.  

Is that actually true?

Yep.  Pocket pussies would be illegal, too.

So there’s a legal limit on dildos, no limit on live ammunition… brilliant.

Right, plus multi-headed dildos get you right around the rule.

Speaking of multi-headed dildos, the fate of this textbook could still go either way.  Nonetheless, religious zealots have all but conceded defeat upon learning that the biology textbook would be reviewed for errors by a panel of biologists.  Because the old “there’s no meth in the trunk” line only works if nobody looks in the trunk.

While they’ve got that panel of scientists together, maybe they could skim over those testament books.  Thought I remember a typo in Genesis 1, so that’s a good place to start

Facing the unprecedented humiliation of appearing not once or twice but thrice on last week’s headlines segment, the state of Texas seems intent on earning a positive mention on the show for a change.  But of course, this only counts as a positive mention because the Texas school board not doing the stupid, unconstitutional, evangelical thing has become newsworthy, so don’t go yee-hawin’ just yet.

Science wins, stupidity loses in Texas Board of Education throwdown: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/texas-board-of-education-holds-up-biology-book-over-evolution-debate/

And from the “British Muslims with sand in their knickers” file, complaints of Islamaphobic persecution have forced universities in the UK to approve gender segregation for debate audiences.  Apparently ultra-orthodox religious leaders can’t handle public speaking, unless the penises and vaginas are lined up separately when they picture the audience naked.

So random genital distribution is the kryptonite of ultra-orthodox religious leaders?  Good to know.

It’s about time the UK took a page from the sharia rule book, and finally found a way to rein in their problem with university debate audiences devolving into drunken orgies of sex and violence.  Deadly riots led by rabid debate hooligans were really getting out of hand . . . And at the root of the issue, were all the women mixed into the crowd.  

It’s England.  That probably really happens.  I bet somebody’s been crushed to death against a fence at an Intelligence Squared debate by now.

According to a report by vice-chancellors’ group ‘Universities UK’, as long as the seating chart meets the equality standards of an Alabama public school from 1950, it’s fair: (quote) “Both men and women are being treated equally, as they are both being segregated in the same way.”  I’ll repeat that . . . They are both being segregated . . . in the same way . . . by gender.  Apartheid was fine too, because blacks and whites were both being segregated by race.

Okay, this is all making perfect sense, of course, but where do the transexuals sit?

Great question.  That … was addressed in the FAQs.  Hermaphrodites will be allowed entry, but not double entry like normal.  Also, they will have to remove their penis or plug an orifice … which seems unfair because nobody else gets to choose their section.  And of course, as usual, eunuchs can’t come.

UK Universities allowed to segregate genders during debates: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/universityeducation/10468115/Universities-can-segregate-men-and-women-for-debates.html

And in hysterical numerical chimerical clerical news tonight, Methodist Reverend Frank Schaefer was suspended for 30 days for the crime of officiating at his son’s wedding, made heinous by the fact that his son was marrying a dude.

Methodist couples everywhere are already feeling a little gayer, and are up in arms about the so-called “Fairy God Father”.  

Schaefer was tried before a jury of clergy and found guilty of not sufficiently hating queers, for which he received a suspension that many feel is tantamount to a defrocking.  But considering the kind of macabre historical horrors the term “jury of clergy” conjures in my mind, it could be a hell of a lot worse, I suppose.

Yeah this is really just a slap on the limp wrist.  Worst case scenario, the Methodists build a bridge out of him.

During his trial, Schaefer continuously emphasized that he felt god calling him to minister openly for gay equality, but the jury dismissed this because apparently even clergy are skeptical of the whole “god” thing.

Pastor suspended 30 days for officiating at his son’s gay wedding: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/lively-testimony-in-penalty-phase-of-trial-for-pastor-who-officiated-at-gay-sons-wedding/2013/11/19/f5402942-5146-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1_story.html

And in “Riyadh Reach Around” news . . . Just when you thought Saudi Arabia was getting too sexually promiscuous, the federal team of middle school dance chaperones known as The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, has stepped in to cure the torso-contact epidemic that’s been plaguing the country.  When concerned citizens reported a local man giving away illegal exotic things called hoogs, or hugs, the buzz kill squad launched a massive investigation.

All part of the “Thugs not Hugs” campaign.  Considering the sentencing guidelines in Saudi Arabia this dude is lucky if they don’t amputate his torso.

In a true Rama-Donnie Brasco story (Callback – TSSSSST!!!), an extremely brave undercover agent was able to catch the perp on tape: “So we’re really doing this, Abdulrahman al-KhayyalI who lives at 127 Muslim Boulevard in Riyadh?  I give you zero dollars, and you give me an illegal exotic bodily embrace?  Ok he’s doing it!  Abra-Cadab- no Allah-Kazaam!!! Red team go!!!  Red team go!!!”

What a massive waste of public resources.  Sure, they’ll nail all the huggers, but while they’re focused on that you have blasphemers and rape-victims roaming free in the streets.

Couple of fun facts about the the Sharia Sheriffs – aka the SS.  First of all, they resent being compared to the Nazi secret police, although they do respect the anti-Jew sentiment underlying the tenets of German national socialism.  

At least it’s an ethos…

Second fun fact: These are the same guys who famously promoted virtue in 2002, by murdering 15 schoolgirls in a fire.  They righteously prevented them from leaving a burning building without anti-rape outerwear, which are required in public places like the outside of a burning building.  Crisis averted.

Saudi Man arrested for giving out free hugs: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/saudi-arabia-man-arrested-for-giving-out-free-hugs-8953720.html

And in baby dick litigation news, a rabbinical court has ordered an Israeli mother to pay a fine of one hundred and forty dollars a day until she surgically alters her infant’s penis like a good Jewish mother.

And in penis headline form: Plagued by foreskin envy, “Members of the Tribe” are calling for “just the tip of the Weisberg”.  Nobody raises penis veal in Israel without the Jewish Mafia getting a piece of the action.  

Fearing that allowing her to not adulterate her son’s naughty bits could set a dangerous precedent that would add fuel to the growing international controversy over the unsanitary perversity of grown men licking bloody baby cock, the court posed the following question in its ruling, “How will the world react if even [in Israel] the issue of circumcision is given to the discretion of any person, according to their own beliefs?”

Yeah Israel would be a laughing stock. What kind of theocracy can’t even enforce mandatory genital mutilation?!?  That’s just embarrassing.  Plus lots of guys would never get their dick sucked if it weren’t for the mohel.  And how else can you inoculate the infant population with herpes to prevent herpes?!?  

The court went on to label commonsense objections to circumcision in general and the part where some herpetic newborn-groupie goes all Miley Cyrus on 8 day old testicles in particular as anti-semitism that must be combatted.  So for those of you keeping score at home, objecting to sucking an infant’s dick is anti-semitic; objecting to sucking an adolescent’s dick is anti-Catholic.

Israeli rabbinical court orders mother to circumcise her son: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/26/jewish-court-tries-to-force-mother-to-circumcise-her-young-son-on-penalty-of-daily-fines/

And in “Jizzm Schism” news, conservative Christian groups are planning a ‘Day of Prayer’ on December 10th, to rid the world of pornography, and the resulting murder of babies during the controversial “negative first” trimester.  Their missionary position on the issue blames smut and hand abortions for brand new societal woes like rape and thunderstorms.      

I just want to know how much I have to chafe my chicken before I can summon a shark-nado.

Try harder . . . Not wanting to get “cock sock blocked” and/or “beaver damned”, personal orgasm rights advocates will stage a “passive day of nothing” that will coincide and compete with the Christian protest.  There’s no plan, so everyone will probably just stay home and jerk off like usual.  When porn continues to exist the next day, we’ll have proof that masturbation is at least as effective as prayer.  I think it might be–

I’m way ahead of you.  30 seconds already on the clock … Christian Euphemisms for Masturbation … GO!!!

Spreading a handful of Holy Seed

Snake-handling.

Dressing your salad with popercorn ranch

Straightening the crozier

Knowing Thyself Biblically

Shit, “beating the bishop” is already a euphemism isn’t it?  For being forced to whack off your bishop?

Dishonorable Discharge from the Salvation Army

Nailing your palm?

Thumping Below the Bible Belt

Christian group plans “Day of Prayer” against porn: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/conservative-groups-plan-prayer-vigil-against-pornography/

I guess it’s true what they say; masturbation jokes are more fun with a partner.  So that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

I’m sticking with “Messiah-nara, bitches!”

And when we come back Lucinda will join us to beg you for money.

 

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the monthly couple of minutes we normally set aside to highlight all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world.  But because of a combination of there not being much going on in December and me not wanting to highlight all the 2014 shit until next month, there won’t be any highlighting of conferences and events this month.

But because we still had two minutes to fill and I wanted to write a new music bed for this bit, I’ve decided to go a different direction.  Like most atheists that grew up in a predominantly Christian culture, I find myself celebrating all the traditional Christian holidays and this December I’m hoping to break that habit by trying on some new December holidays.  If you’d care to join me, here are a few non-Jesusy reasons to celebrate this holiday season:

12/1 World Aids day – for those who wish to celebrate AIDS.  Not sure that this one is for me, but it sounds like a holiday Heath could really get behind.

12/7, a date that will live in infamy, is International Civil Aviation day, which we celebrate by flying airplanes that almost never bomb Pearl Harbor.

12/10 Human Rights Day – Not sure what that’s all about, but I figured the humanists would love it because it has their name right in the title.

12/11 National Noodle Day – I only mention it because there aren’t enough Pastafarian holidays.

12/21 Winter Solstice – A pagan holiday celebrated by doing all the Christmas stuff without the Jesus dolls.  And if you’re with pagans there will also probably be some naked bonfire related activity.

12/25 Newtonmas – If you’re looking for a person born on this day over whom you can exchange gifts, decorate a tree and bake a ham, fuck Jesus.  How about Sir Issac Newton?  Seriously.  Golden rule, laws of motion; getting crucified like a pussy, developing calculus; saving a whore, building the world’s first operational reflecting telescope.  Jesus has nothing on that motherfucker.

Anyway, that wraps the calendar segment for this month, but we’ll do it again next month, only we’ll talk about atheist events and shit like we normally do.

Thanks:

In keeping with the Thanksgiving tradition, we thought we at the Scathing Atheist would take a minute to reflect on what we’re thankful for this year.  Things like family,

Friends…

The thematic smut suggestion website called Pandora’s Box…

Indecisive juries and the improper handling of DNA evidence…

Multiple orgasms…

Late-term abortions…That was a close one…

Sylvia Brown not being alive…

Rechargeable batteries…

Subtle references to dildos…

But above all things, we’re thankful for our listeners.  We’re thankful that people are willing to invest thirty minutes a week of their life listening to us make jokes about anally raping Jesus.

And we’re thankful for all the encouraging emails, facebook messages and iTunes reviews that people have taken the time to send.

And we’re thankful that the FCC hasn’t cock-blocked podcasting yet…

And we’re thankful that we’re able to find the cummulative 50 hours a week it takes to write, record and edit this show.

And we’re thankful that you have a spouse who’s so understanding and supportive

And makes awesome Thanksgiving desserts.

And of course, we’re thankful for all the people who support the show financially and keep our little operation afloat.

Because telling god to go fuck himself is more expensive than you think.

But luckily, for just one easy payment of however much you care to give us, you can help us bring you the very best dick puns and ass plays on words, in the business.

So a genuine thanks to everybody who gives us thirty minutes of their life.

And if you’d like to say “you’re welcome”, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

 

Song:

In chapter one God makes the universe and it takes seven days.

In chapter two he makes it again… in a contradictory way.

By chapter three he’s made Adam, here he makes Eve,

Then he kicks them out of Eden cause they’re covered in leaves?

In four God’s a dick to Cain, but not Abel,

So Cain strikes down his brother like the tower of Babel.

In chapter six we meet Noah; God says “Get ready for bruises,

You’re going on the worst boat ride there’ll be until Carnival Cruises.”

He gathers all the animals and builds a big boat,

And I guess no one else had anything on which they could float

Noah praises God for all the people he whacked,

But glancing at his cock’s an unforgivable act.

Then we spend an entire fucking chapter or two,

Learning ad nauseum who begat who.

By chapter twelve we meet Abraham and he uproots his life,

Takes his shit to Egypt and starts pimping his wife.

He fucks a slave, she has a kid and they exile that one,

But then at ninety-nine Sarah bares him a legitimate son.

In seventeen Abraham makes a crazy decision,

Regarding all his sons and slaves and adult circumcision.

In Twenty-Two he gets all screwy, and takes Isaac, his tyke,

Up a mountain and almost sacrifices him before the angels say, “Psyche!”

Abraham tells God there’s at least ten in Sodom with class,

So he sends a couple angels that they try to fuck in the ass.

And when you try to ass-rape angels, what comes is your fault,

Whether your town’s burned down by brimstone or you’re turned into salt.

Later Isaac meets Rebekah, they have Jake and Esau,

The big brother’s got the muscle but the brains of a cow.

Jacob tricks him from his birthright for a warm bowl of soup,

And his old near-sighted daddy’s just as easy to dupe.

Jacob takes two wives, fucks both of them and their maids.

I swear a chapter’s dedicated to Jake getting laid.

He has a dozen sons in all but he liked Joseph the best,

So his bro’s conspire against him and they steal his vest.

They sell him as a slave and tell daddy he’s dead.

He winds up a slave of Pharaoh for not performing in bed.

Here he goes all psychic, starts interpreting dreams.

It takes a couple years but at last he’s redeemed.

He stores up food for famine and he gets filthy rich;

His bros come needing munchies and he makes ‘em his bitch.

Then Joey shows back up, much to daddy’s surprise.

Jacob, now called Israel, eventually dies…

Chapter fifty’s so uplifting, all the tribes makes a truce;

And by now god’s promised the entire known world to the Jews.

 

Jews____ Back then, though, they were called the He-

Brews____ Those lucky fucks were the one god would

Choose____ Which is why nothing bad ever happens to

Jews.

Outro:

Before we wrap up the leftovers tonight I wanted to let everyone know that Heath and I were invited to take part in a panel on the InKredulous Podcast next month.  Not sure exactly when that’ll be available but as soon as it is I’ll let you know via Twitter, Facebook and the blog, all of which, of course, you follow and or subscribe to and or like.

And with cyber Monday rapidly approaching, I wanted to also remind everyone to check out our CafePress site for all your godless holiday shopping needs.  You’ll find a link to it on our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, but you’re clever enough to Google it even without the link.

And at the risk of beating this whole “giving of thanks” thing to death, I need to thank Heath for being a clever, funny, godless bastard; I need to thank Lucinda for taking a break from cooking vast quantities of food to help us out tonight; I also need to thank Lucinda for cooking vast quantities of food and, as you may have noticed, we’re still always looking for more Farnsworth quotes, so if you have a blog or a podcast to promote or you just want to hear your voice at the beginning of the show, email me a clip; you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most vivacious vertebrates; Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul.  Meredith, who’s such an incomparable badass they had to put the word “death” in her first name; April, whose face I’m totally carving into Mount Rushmore first chance I get; Rob, who, no offense to Peter Capaldi, would have made a way better 12th doctor; Bart, slayer of six fingered giants; Richard, whose ceaseless generosity has damn near earned his own theme song; Jeffrey, whose melodious voice is sweet enough to cause adult-onset diabetes; Benjamin, whose intergalactic reputation with a katana keeps the alien invasion forces at bay; Ross, whose ejactulate is legal tender in many island nations; Chris, whose gravitas causes quarks to chill the fuck out and act normal in his presence and Paul, who, through sheer tenacity, has earned the right to divide by zero.

These ten valorous paragons of profundity have earned eternally archived praise and first dibs on the left over green bean casserole and stuffing this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the civility, agility, virility and mental ability required to give us money, but if you think you share Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul’s laudable percipience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to earn our perennial appreciation for free, you could always leave us a five star review on iTunes.  And if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher, download the free and very awesome app and check us out there as well.  Really helps our ranking and helps more people find the show.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 40: Partial Transcript

November 21, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some portions that were edited from the finished episode due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language.  But we’re talking about the Bible in it so what the fuck do you expect?

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Chlorthodox Bleach; proven to whiten fabrics better than a renaissance painter whitens a Middle Eastern Messiah.

Chlorthodox Bleach: Like Christianity, it’s relatively safe for coloreds, but it’s really made for whites.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 21st,

And non-sequiturs are all about inflection.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from America’s clitoris New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll point out that Christians are really just praying to Jew God in beta testing.

  • George W. Bush will prove that he’s still got it,

  • And Lucinda will join us to learn that 2 Samuel was fun, like a clumsy colonoscopy from a polydactyl giant.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Everywhere I go, I’m haunted by the goliath incisors and immaculate hairpiece of Joel O’Steen.  Everytime I check our rank on iTunes (which I probably do more often than is psychologically healthy), I see the preposterous oral contortion he calls a smile.  He’s always sitting there at the number one spot, beaming about his supremacy.

He does the same damn thing on the Stitcher ranks.

And now he’s doing the same damn thing on my morning commute.  He’s got a new book out and every third subway train I step into has an ad for it.  It’s yet another in his twelve thousand part series about telling you whatever the fuck you want to hear if you’re willing to pay him to say it.

The tagline on the ad is brilliantly paradoxical and encapsulates O’Steen’s brand of bullshit perfectly.  Below his dentally arduous visage it reads, “God doesn’t want you to live an average life.”

Now think about that for a second.  This is an ad.  It’s not written to anybody in particular; it’s being told to the average person.  So if O’Steen’s right and god doesn’t want you to live an average life, he probably shouldn’t have set up the law of averages to mathematically guarantee that you do.

But that’s the beauty of the whole prosperity gospel bullshit.  God wants you to be rich.  That’s why Jesus was all about investment advice and streamlining supply chains and stuff.  God wants you to be rich so he put you in a country where the income disparity makes some food chains seem equitable.  God wants you to be rich so he built you with a brain stupid enough to plop down fifteen bucks on the hardcover version of Joel O’Steen cramming the word Jesus into a generic self help seminar.

And there, in a nutshell, is my biggest problem with religion.  Here’s this used dental-floss salesman spouting on about Deepak level bullshit but as long as he sprinkles it with somes gods, a few Jesuses and an accent that screams for banjo accompaniment, it’s Christian and Christians will lap it up.  Not like Jesus is ever gonna show up and contradict him or anything.

It doesn’t matter that the core of O’Steen’s message is precisely antipodal to the core tenet of Christianity.  It doesn’t matter that he can’t even assemble a one sentence blurb about his book without working in an accidental oxymoron.  It doesn’t matter that his message makes the Secret look substantive.  You like being rich don’t you?  You like Jesus don’t you?  Well then buy this book!

According to the ad copy, O’Steen’s new book will help you (quote) “improve relationships, increase productivity, accomplish your dreams and believe bigger.”  Yes, believe bigger.  That’s so stupid there should be a GNC supplement for it.  Believe bigger!?  Gee, that’s a hell of a deal, Joel, but do you have something that could help me run in tune?  Maybe a section on how to jump darkly?  Or masturbate opaquely?

But it doesn’t matter if what he’s saying doesn’t make sense.  He’s selling to Christians.  They’ve had their innate ability to recognize contradiction and bullshit beat out them for decades, all you have to do is use a trigger word like Jesus and they’re hardwired to shut down the critical parts of their brain.  Believe bigger?  Sure, that makes sense from a spatial and/or metaphorical perspective.  Why not?  He said Jesus nine times in four sentences and makes the word Lord multisyllabic so clearly he knows what he’s talking about.

God wants you to be rich.  Sure, he could have given you wealthy parents or the PowerBall numbers, but why bother with that when he could just stick all the secrets to happiness, fulfillment and large beliefs in 22-point type, a 5th grade reading level and five easy steps.

So don’t forget to pick up your copy today, because god wants everyone to be above average.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is semi-professional devil’s advocate, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to publicly champion the Angel of Darkness?

Why not?  Some of my best friends are dark.

In our lead story tonight, it would seem that the Vatican has refused a deal that they couldn’t refuse.  Italian organized crime experts warn that Pope Frank Corleone’s attempts to reform the notoriously corrupt Vatican bank might have put him at risk of waking up with an alpaca’s head under his blanket.

I’m not too surprised.  Dudes get whacked and rubbed out in the Vatican all the time.

Reverend Federico Lombardi, a spokesman for the Vatican, downplayed the reported threats saying (quote) “The Holy See is not at all worried, and at this point we’re kind of hoping somebody offs that fucker so we don’t have to keep retracting his ad-libs.”

Who would have ever guessed that an extremely opaque, corrupt bank full of Nazi plunder money – in a bullshit pseudo-nation built into Rome – would be laundering money for the mob?!?

Italian prosecutor and mafia expert Nicola Gratteri admits that he doesn’t have specific information about a plot against Pope Franks for Playing, but added (quote), “The last two popes didn’t ride around in a bulletproof condom for aesthetics.”

Pope refuses a deal he can’t refuse: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/14/prosecutor-pope-faces-mafia-threat/

And in “beheadline” news, the militant rebel group in Syria known as the Islamic State of Iraq and All Sham – aka ISIS – put out a heartfelt apology after accidentally decapitating fellow extremist Mohammed Fares, who – according to local custom – should have been guillotined by a rival group.  Diplomats are imploring Syrian rebel groups to put their heads together … in a big pile … and come up with a peaceful solution.

Yeah, these guys are giving machete wielding Muslim terrorists a bad name, here.  There’s a civilized way to decapitate your enemies, guys, and this isn’t it.

When asked about the “face-ectomy faux pas”, ISIS may or may not have released the following statement: “Look, we got served by the People’s Front of Judea on YouTube, and we were scrambling to get a jihad response video in the can.  Had we known he was such an accomplished murderer of slightly different Muslims, this never would have happened.”

Yeah, but I like this story because it bucks the stereotype.  Just when you thought that all Muslims do is kill people with different religious beliefs than them, they go and kill somebody with the exact same religious beliefs as them.  That isn’t a woman.  It’s empowering.

I like this story too . . . It makes me feel like less of a bigot during my vigilante subway security sweeps.  Apparently Muslim extremists all look the same . . . even to other Muslim extremists.  Somehow, the all-face beard and AK-47 are always the first thing to catch the eye.

Islamic extremists cut off the wrong dude’s head, apologize: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/10449815/Al-Qaeda-linked-rebels-apologise-after-cutting-off-head-of-wrong-person.html

And in “Habitat for Jew-manity” news tonight, ex-president, Alfred E. Neuman clone and miserable fucking idiot George W. Bush is under fire for speaking at a controversial “Jews for Jesus” fundraiser that seeks money to bring about the apocalypse by talking Jews out of the whole Judaism thing.

Why weren’t we invited to that?  Our grossly offensive – yet strangely appealing – brand of humor begrudlingly devangelizes thousands of Jews every week.  If there’s a second coming, it’s pretty much all us.

A spokesperson for the national embarrassment defended Bush’s appearance by arguing that (quote) “of all the fucked up shit this dude has done and all the stupid decisions, you’re gonna get your panties in a twist because he finally came clean about hating Jews?  Fuck off.”

Despite his well-documented neural deficiencies, I’m like 90 percent sure he did make the following statement at the event: (quote) “You guys know Jesus’s old saying, right? … Crucify me once, shame on me.  Crucify me twice … No I’ll come back and- … Well you’re not gonna crucify me again.”

Controversy over George W. speaking at “Jews for Jesus” conference: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/andrewbrown/2013/nov/14/george-w-bush-speech-messianic-judaism

And from the “Persecution by Bookstore Taxonomy” file, Christians are outraged, after being forced to push their pallet truck all the way to the fiction section of Costco, just to buy 10,000 bibles.  California pastor Caleb Kaltenbach – whose name sadly lacks any overt genital references – recently discovered that a local Costco put a “fiction” label on the fantastical allegory book that defines his life.

Alright, so if those assholes at Barnes and Noble ever piss me off again I’m just gonna go in there and make up new religions just so they’ll have to rearrange the shelves.  “Excuse me, miss, why the hell is the gospel of Katniss in the ‘fiction’ section, here?”

After numerous complaints from adult people who don’t know what “fiction” means, Costco has diplomatically agreed to open a “Factually-impaired Non-fiction” section, or “Lie-ography” section, to hold religious propaganda books.  

Yeah, but in Costco’s defense, I didn’t know religious people could read either until I saw this article…

And, strangely enough, nobody said a word about the “fiction” label on Aesop’s Fables, the Koran, or even the Jewish prequel to the Jesus book.  By Kaltenbach’s logic, every single book store with a fiction and non-fiction section, regardless of how they place each religious text, is taking part in religious persecution . . . Because it would be physically impossible not to!!!

FoxNews’ panties wrinkled over Bible being labeled as “Fiction” at Costco: http://nation.foxnews.com/2013/11/18/starnes-exclusive-costco-labels-bible-fiction

And in “the supplest of supplication” news tonight, Illinois bishop and person who shouldn’t be mixed with carbonated beverages Thomas Paprocki plans to hold an exorcism in (quote) “reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage”.

Probably a smart move.  This should shut down all the earthquakes and typhoons.  Your welcome, Phillipines.  Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a joke here about gay ghost demons and crossing the streams.

While you’re working that out, I’ll get back to the story.  Paprocki justified his belief that gay marriage is inspired by Lucifer by pointing out that back when Pope Fran Tarkenton was still just Cardinal Jorge Burger-Google, he said as much.  When Argentina legalized gay marriage the then archbishop called it (quote) “A move of the father of lies who wishes to confuse and deceive the children of God” (end quote) which is clearly either of reference to the devil or then supreme pontificate Pope Bent-and-dicked-us.

How do exorcisms work, again?  Will the gay married couples stop being gay, or stop being married?  Or will one change gender?

Yes.  The exorcism is scheduled to take place while we’re recording tonight so if, by the time you hear this, there are still fags, Paprocki will have proven that at least Catholic god is verifiably false.

Illinois Bishop plans gay-marriage exorcism: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/15/illinois-bishop-plans-gay-marriage-exorcism/

And from the “Irish comedian tells offensive joke about Muslims” file . . . Why the fuck is anyone ever surprised about the contents of this file?!?  Conan O’Brien recently tweeted: (quote) “Marvel Comics is introducing a new Muslim female superhero. She has so many more special powers than her husband’s other wives.”  Despite being hilarious, and therefore exempt from bigotry charges, there were many angry responses, and Conan deleted the tweet like a pussy.  

In his defense, he could’ve been trying to protect his streak for the longest a person has ever been considered a comedian without being funny.

One such angry response said: (quote) “Real classy bigotry, Conan O’Brien. Did you enjoy having a laugh at the expense of the marginalized?”  YES!!!  Comedians tell jokes, and we all have a laugh at the expense of the marginalized!!!  That’s humor!!!  And it’s not like he made an offensive list of possilbe names . . .

Pretty sure that’s our cue to put 30 seconds on the clock.  Muslim Superheroines. Go!!!

Before we start, I did some research, and there does exist a PakistAnime superheroine called . . . no bullshit . . . The Burka Avenger.  But I’m gonna start with Silk Scarf Spectre.

Bur-kat woman?  I know that’s not very good, but The Brown Widow is racist so I’m not gonna use that one.

That is racist.  Not ALL Muslim women were widowed by a suicide bomber . . .   

The Black Tar Heroine

Hum-mystique

They do eat hummus . . . The Almost Invisible Woman?  Just a floating eye rectangle.    

I was gonna say the “Wishes she was Invisible Woman”

SheRa-madan … The She-Hadist

Maybe a team of superwomen; The Fantastic 72

Shit yeah . . . the little lebowski virgin achievers . . . the heaven groupies . . . the Tali-Band-Aids.  

Conan mocks Islamhttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/19/is-this-conan-obrien-joke-racist/

Damn, I hate to close things out so close to a fatwa, but we’re out of time for headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-Nara!!!

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in discovering that the 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel division had nothing to do with the bathroom code.

Poem

2 Samuel

Two Samuel?  Well damn you’ll forgive me for saying,

I’m starting to like all the raping and slaying,

It’s not that the bible has sapped all my ethics,

And it’s not that I’m a fan of historical epics,

It’s just better than all the begats and the praying.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s too long and the story’s a mess,

And there’s a huge literary mistake to address,

A new character appears every sentence or two,

Which makes keeping track of them miserably tricky to do,

But I suppose I can try nonetheless.

To start it all there was Saul who was king but got killed;

Then there’s David whose promise from god was fulfilled;

There’s Ahinoam and Abbie, David’s first wives,

And  Ishbaal, son of Saul, whose reign he revives,

With Abner, a warrior respected and skilled.

Joab’s the commander of David’s armed forces,

His brother Asahel runs as fast as the horses,

But he slowed down when Abner puts a spear through his gut

So Joab snuffs him out like a cigarette butt,

Against David’s orders according to dubious sources.

Baanah and Rechab are Ishbaal’s remaining commanders,

But they kill their own king and go to David to pander,

So with Saul’s house destroyed, he goes after the chicks,

Like Michal who he purchased with Philistine dicks

And wants back though it’s clear that he can’t stand her.

King David was fertile with a dick never limp,

And he had more chicks to fuck than a Manhattan pimp,

So he had children a lot; first Amnon then Chileab,

Absalom, Adonijah, Shephatiah and Ithream,

Oh yeah, and he took care of Mephibosheth the gimp.

Tamar was a hottie and Amnon wanted to fist her,

So he told his friend Jonadab that he couldn’t resist her.

Jonadab says, “Rape her” so Amnon acts like he’s sick;

When she bend over to help, he just whips out his dick.

So he fucks her, then boots her and, oh yeah, she’s his sister.

Then there’s Bathsheba, Tamar was hot but she’s hotter,

And when David first spots her she’s wearing nothing but water,

So he disregards the fact that she’s menstruating and married,

His salami was hard and it had to be buried,

And so did Urriah, her husband, who David had slaughtered.

King Haram builds King David stately abodes,

Nathan, the seer, foretells and forebodes,

Hanun the Ammonite mistreats King David’s men,

Shimei tosses rocks at the king now and then,

And Uzzah puts a hand on the ark and explodes.

Sheba is mutinous, Ahithophel is unwise,

Amasa brings about Sheba’s demise,

Eleazar, Shammah and Josheb-basshebeth,

Are ferocious, impetuous merchants of death,

And, oh yeah, there’s Solomon, who has yet to arise.

From Abiathar the priest to Ziba, servant of Saul;

Through the dozen of characters I don’t even recall,

There’s no shortage within of unpronounceable names,

So when you think about it, it’s really kind of a shame

To name the book after someone who’s not in it at all.

Babble

For the love of our listeners, we suffered through 2 Samuel this week; this book has all the literary intrigue of a high school newspaper and as many characters as a high school yearbook and yet still, somehow we got all the way through it.

I used cocaine.  Good for awful books, plus it helps you stay motivated to … buy more cocaine later that day.  And that third digit in my bank account was really getting unmanageable.

And of course, joining us in this misguided adventure once again is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back to the show.

Great to be here, despite the circumstances… and I think Heath should have shared the cocaine.

Alright, so 2 Samuel starts off exactly when 1 Samuel leaves off, so Lucinda, can you set the stage for us?

  1. Sure.  When last we saw our intrepid hero David, he was off kicking Amalekite ass, rescuing kidnapped people and being elsewhere while Israel gets wasted by the Philistines.  

    1. So chapter one of two Samuel starts with some random guy showing up and telling David that Jonathan and Saul fell in battle, and that, upon request, he finished Saul off.  So David kills him.

  • “That’s my gay lover – and his dad my other gay lover – you’re talking about, asshole!  Nobody finishes off Saul better than me!”

  1. So with Saul dead the whole kingdom goes to shit.  David is declared king of Judah, Ishbaal becomes king of not Judah, then, of course, they start killing each other.

  • “So uhh . . . how’re we gonna settle this?  We can’t have people fighting over this shitty desert for the next 5000 years.  What if we take 10 of my guys, and 10 of your guys, and they all stab each other at the same time, and we see what happens?”

  • “That makes NO sense . . . Make it 12 guys each, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

  1. And in chapter three we learn that David definitely didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner. I mean he really, really, really didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner; even though he was around when it happened and benefited greatly from it and could have done it, he definitely didn’t.

    1. And he didn’t know about it, or order it or anything.

  • Right, it wasn’t David.  It was his general, Joab.  And generals don’t just kill people on command.        

  1. Then we learn in chapter four that he also didn’t kill Ishbaal, either.

    1. Hell, he killed him even less than he killed Abner, who he also didn’t kill.

  2. So after the coincidental and definitely-not-premeditated by David murders of his two rivals to the throne, he becomes king of all Israel.

    1. And he fucks a lot.  He’s got wives, concubines, other dude’s wives…

  3. Then we get a whole chapter talking about the “Bring me the Ark!” parade, which apparently ends in a tent where David rocks out with his cock out, which pisses off his first wife,

    1. You’ll remember her from One Samuel where he traded her straight up for a bag of dicks.

  • If you’ve ever been to a Bar Mitvah, you’ll know that Jewish men and their white friends can’t dance without the aid of those twenty-something black people they hire as interactive dancer extras.  

  1. Chapter seven is one of those “Gee, god, you sure are the most awesome god of all gods and we’re all really impressed down here” kind of chapters.  Oh, and god promises that David’s line will rule Israel forever.

    1. Yeah, how’s that workin’ out?

  • David was part Palestinian, right?

  1. And then he kicks ass, kills people, subdues land and steals gold.

  • Apparently he won the loyalty of the Moabites, by only murdering two thirds of them? . . . “Who wants to try a really fun game? . . . Everyone look to your left, and now to your right.  I’m going to murder you, and one of those other two guys.  Or both of them, and you’re my slave.  Everybody understand how to play?  I’m pretty awesome, right? . . . Vote David for King in negative 984!!!”      

  1. Then David starts feeling guilty for definitely-not-killing Jonathan so he decides to take in his crippled grandson.

  2. Then the Ammonites piss him off by forcibly shaving his envoys so he kicks ass some more and kills a lot more people.

  • And since 2 Samuel is the model for all future latently homo-erotic fraternity pledge hazing, they shave half their beard, and make them wear assless pants.  Yet despite the biblical mandate, Mitt Romney was chastised when he did the same thing to a gay at his high school.      

  1. And then… Holy shit, just when you thought David could do no wrong, we meet Bethsheba.  David’s just minding his own business, beating off on his porch one day when he sees a hot chick bathing.

  • “I knew it would pay off to put a bucket of sudsy sponges and a dirty car, right there under the palace porch!  Give her dad these 50 shekels just in case, and bring her to me!”  

So he bones her and she comes back a couple of weeks later to tell him she’s pregnant.

    1. So what to do, right?  She’s married, so he can’t take her as his wife… unless, of course, she’s suddenly widowed.  So he sees to that.

  1. And apparently that was a bridge too far and God decides to enact some holy retribution on David.

    1. Or, more accurately, on David’s wives who he sentences to be publicly fucked by his neighbors and his son, who God then kills with a horrible illness.

    2. Yeah, that ought to show him…

  • And since God doesn’t exist, David blatantly chose to have her gang-raped.  Unless of course this book isn’t meant to be taken literally.  In which case, the gang-rape must be a metaphor for something good and holy.    

  1. And then Amnon teaches us all how to properly rape your sister.  

  • “I really want to fuck my sister, but she’s not as rednecky as I hoped.  Do we have a sister-fucking guy on staff?”  

  • “Well Jonadab didn’t specialize in that, but he’s pretty clever.”  

So Jonadab says, “Have you tried luring her to your house and raping her?”

  • “Yeah just tell her you want to eat freshly baked bread directly from her hand.  That way it’s not suspicious.”

  1. But apparently his brother Absalom wasn’t too happy about it so he ordered his servants to kill him and then he fled to Geshur.

  2. And I love how they broke the news to David.  Basically they say, “Hey, bro, Absalom killed all your sons” and when David starts losing it they say, “Just kidding!  He only killed Amnon.”

  • “What do you guys think that was all about?  The sister raping?  It’s been a couple years now.”

  1. And then we learn that if you’re ever serving a king who’s having trouble forgiving his son for murdering his son and thus endangering the lineage of your nation, all you need is a bag lady.

    1. Right.  So David half ass forgives Absalom, but that’s not enough so he sets Joab’s field on fire in a tantrum.

  2. And then in a surprise twist, it turns out that Absalom, the fratricidal arsonist, is actually a bad guy.

    1. Who would have guessed?  So he starts undermining dad and sets himself up as king.

  3. Then David tucks his tail between his legs and takes to the woods.  Along the way people throw rocks at him and shit for being a slut.

    1. And David sends Hushai the Archite to fuck up the counsel of Ahithophel; who then advises Absalom to bang his father’s concubines as publicly as possible.

    2. I knew that coming was coming.

  • I knew Caesar had it wrong . . . It’s “Vidi Vici Veni.”  I saw, I conquered, I came.  This is an important morality lesson, and I can see why they kept it in the book . . . How else does a guy know which whores to fuck during a “Jew d’etat”, following the rape of his sister by a half-brother?  And where does God want me to fuck them?  Publicly?  Privately?  

  1. And then we spend a long chapter with Absalom saying, “Do I send 12,000 men to kill my father, do I not send 12,000 men to kill my father”.

  2. But the problem is that he was listening to Ahithophel when he should have been listening to Akkbar because, as we learn in chapter 18, It’s a trap.

    1. David’s army surrounds Absalom’s army and once again we find David most-definitely not killing his enemy.

  • “Did you kill your son with spears and hang him from a tree?”

  • “No . . . No . . . What had happened . . . is . . . Well on the average day, Absalom walks around with about 100 shekels-worth – or 2 rapings-worth – of beautiful, nappy Jew-fro on his head.  As he often did, he was riding an ass, and his hair got caught, and then he got speared . . . by the guy I keep pardoning and re-appointing general after murdering my rivals without my permission.”   

  1. Do David’s bawling about his son dying until Joab comes in and tells him to man up.

    1. Then he heads back to Jerusalem and along the way all the people who laid bets with Absalom come back to see if there’s room for one more set of lips on the king’s ass.

  2. But they can’t even get all the way to Jerusalem without another coup attempt.

    1. Right.  The non-Judean Israelites get a bad case of middle-child-syndrome so they rally under Sheba and march off to start their own promised land.

    2. Yeah, and that works out fine until the people of Abel chopped off his head and tossed it over the city wall.

  • And in case you were wondering what happened to the 10 prostitutes David left in Jerusalem to be pillaged by Absalom’s army . . . They’re still there, but David absolutely did NOT fuck them again.  He was nice enough to put them up in a studio apartment for used whore-widows, and get them a reality show.  “Real Housewives of Jerusalem Polygamists”

  • And in case you were wondering who David appointed to his cabinet as Slave Master General, it was Adoniram.  

  1. Yeah, they get damn specific.  Then we get a famine and David’s like, “Hey god, what’s with the starving and shit?” and god replies, “Yeah, well, Saul did try to kill the Gibeonites so everyone has to starve until you impale seven of his descendants on a hillside.”

    1. So Jesus stole that trick from Saul’s grandkids?

    2. Yeah and because this book of the bible was directed by Michael Bay, it ends with an action beat and they go around killing giants.

  • Only Michael Bay could come up with the idea for the final fight, when David’s nephew rubs Polydactycil cream on his sword and kills the 12-fingered Amish Giant, despite the seemingly insurmountable 20% advantage in grip and simple arithmetic.

  1. And then David sings about how awesome god is for a chapter…

    1. Oh… I thought he was singing about crack there.

  2. And then we meet the Hebrew special ops guys.  This whole chapter is just a list of Jewish ass kickers that reads like Noah’s thanking the donors at the end of the show..

    1. Oh, I’m totally using that this week.

  3. And then David takes a census and apparently god gets as pissed off about those as tea-party libertarians so he plagues the nation for three days and kills 70,000 people.

  • God says: “I’ll give you 3 choices . . . Would you rather 70,000 Jews get killed by plague over the course of 3 days, OR be forced to wear mittens for 3 months straight, OR you almost sneeze and lose it once a day for 3 years?”  David had just done a census, and 70,000 was pretty minor, so plague it was.

  1. Yeah… not exactly a climactic ending.

Books of the bible are like masturbation, not sex.  It’s climactic enough if it’s over.  So that does it for 2 Samuel.  The Holy Babble will be back in episode 43 with 1 Kings.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.

Libel Babble Blible Blabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!!!

Outro

In honor of my friend Luke, on whose birthday we’re recording this episode and who was a huge part of the inspiration that eventually became this show, I’ll be rendering the outro tonight, by request, in third person biblical.

And behold, Noah did earn favor in the eyes of the people, and the Spaghetti Monster was with him and so he went to the people and gathered them together and spoke onto them, but then he reached the end of the show.

And the people lamented for there was no more blasphemy but then they learned that there was more blasphemy and they rejoiced.  For Noah had spoken before to Jake of the house of Farr and the house of Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show and all the words that he spake could be found by the people on episode one hundred and fifty and nine of that show.

And they learned, too, that Noah had also appeared for a few brief seconds on “The Herd Mentality” with Adam Reakes, son of Brian, son of Sydney, son of William and that he could be heard there, too, on episode twenty nine of that fine program of the Australites.

And the people did call out for Heath the Heathen and they did heap adoration upon him as well they should.  And they did call out for Lucinda, the concubine of Noah whom they loved and they did heap adoration upon her as well.  And they did call out for the anonymous doctor Steve, regular contributor to the Skepticule podcast and Vegas favorite for the best Farnsworth quote of all time.  And they should probably heap adoration on him as well and if they were so inclined they would find a convenient link on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist dot com(eth).

http://www.skepticule.co.uk/

And Noah called out to the people and said to them “Follow me!  On Facebook and Twitter and YouTube and stuff!”  And the people did follow him.

And then he called from all the people six of them that were the best of all, and he said, “Deb, who is a friend to all the woodland animals, come forward”, and Deb came forward.  And he said, “Lindsay, who defeated 10,000 Philistines at once with an ink pen and chapstick, come forward; Willie, upon whose house birds fear to shit for he is so great; Jeffrey, who is long of shaft and brass of ball; Morten, whose wisdom is greater still than ten men… ten women and three hermaphrodites; and Lee, whose enemies flee before his name, which is rough for them because Lee is a very common syllable; All of you come forth.”

And Deb and Lindsay and Willie and Jeffrey and Morten and Lee did come forth and Noah spoke unto them, saying “All who hear my words are great; but you are greater still, for you have sacrificed your hard earned sheckel upon the altar of our Paypal account thus earning great favor such that your names will be forever remembered and the Spaghetti Monster will look favorably on your houses for many generations.”

And then Noah thought the biblical thing was played out so he just said, “If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.