Episode 50 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright, Noah & Lucinda Lugeons and Eli Bosnick
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited due to time constraints)
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language. And this week, we’re going for the record.
This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nepalese cancer-curing carbonated cow piss soda, Mount Hin-Du.
Mount Hin-Du; we put the Brahman in Brominated vegetable oil.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s January 30th
And we’re doing a full-hour this week, so you have to pay double.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from nearly 4th Avenue-less New York, New York…
…and less-than-4-avenues-having Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
A preacher learns the hard way that despite what the Bible says, poison can kill you,
I’ll offer a Nebraska state senator a rim job,
He’ll bargain his way up to a rusty trombone,
And Eli Bosnick will join us to justify a fourth bullet point.
But first, the diatribe.
The other day I got an email from Tyler. Tyler used to be an atheist, but now he or she has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior and wanted to come on the show to tell all of us heathens the wonderful news about Jesus. He or she offered to answer any questions we might have about Jesus-iness with the warning that he or she was (quote) “not an expert in theology”.
So here I have this rare opportunity to speak with somebody who loves Jesus and doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. How could I say no? Well, here’s how:
“Thanks for your email, Tyler. I can only assume that you’ve never listened to the show and are only responding to the word ‘atheist’ in the title, but let me assure you that nobody who listens to our program wants to hear you talk about Jesus. Thanks anyway.”
To which Tyler offered a one word reply, (quote) “okay.”
This is not the first Christian who has tried to wriggle their way onto our docket of future guests. It used to happen once a month or so, but now I’m getting requests like these at least once a week. Some of them are from theists that want to debate the merit of their particular fantasy and some are from avid listeners that just want to hear that debate.
And my answer is always the same, though when it’s a listener I phrase it a bit more congenially. My answer is “no”, and if I’m pressed for an explanation it’s some derivative of “‘cause I don’t wanna.” I don’t want to engage these people, I don’t want to pretend that there’s some merit to their argument, I don’t want to listen to the blithering bastardization of science in their arsenal, I don’t want to be polite and I also don’t want to shout “go fuck yourself” at somebody I’ve invited on the show. What’s more, I don’t want to subject our listeners to it.
Not all of these aspiring guests are as cordial as Tyler, of course. Many of them lash out at me in response and accuse me of cowardice, of intellectual dishonesty, of insulating myself behind a wall of like-minded opinions. They paint the picture of a terrified psyche, desperately clinging to the untenable belief that invisible wizards play no part in human affairs, fearful that if somebody comes on our show and says Jesus a lot my worldview will crumble around me and the god-sized hole in my heart will bleed out.
The arrogance here would be staggering if I weren’t already so familiar with the audacity of Christian privilege. They seem to think that as an atheist I’m duty bound to offer equal time to the opinion that we started the podcast to offset; as though I’m under some obligation to use the platform we’ve created to promote the point of view antithetical to my own. It’s not enough for them that there are five hundred Christian programs for every atheist program, they want to be on ours as well. What’s more, they feel that they have some kind of divine right to it.
And why? Is it a staple of Christian entertainment to bring on the biblical scholar and show them how wrong they’ve got it? Do most sermons end with an atheist counterpoint? Does Joel O’Steen spend much time debating heathens on his podcast? And do these same bitter fuck monkeys that contact me also write in to Jewish podcasts and Buddhists podcasts and Wiccan podcasts demanding that they defend their faith in an Oxford style debate?
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not against public debates. As long as they’re not being used to raise money for an institution dedicated to anti-scientific indoctrination (ahem) Bill Nye (ahem), I’m all for the atheist community engaging. I’m glad there are people like Sam Harris and Shelly Kagan out there making William Lane Craig look stupid. And I’m happy there are shows like the Atheist Experience that take all comers and engage with whatever nincompoop calls in. I’m glad that shows like that exist, I just don’t want to host one.
And no, it’s not because I’m afraid I’ll lose. It’s pretty easy to win a debate when the other side is trying to prove that Jack’s beanstalk really existed. But just because I can shovel a large pile of shit doesn’t mean I want to, and it sure doesn’t mean that anybody would want to listen to it if I did.
Besides, debate isn’t just about presenting the better argument. Sometimes the person with all the facts on their side can lose a debate in the eyes of the audience just by seeming arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting. And if there’s anything this show has proven in its first 49 episodes, it’s that I’m arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.
Joining me for headlines this week is semi-professional vulgarian Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to be vulgar?
What, no fancy montage for me?
(Heath cursing montage)
Do I really fucking curse that much?
In our lead story tonight, Oklahoma Republican lawmaker Mike Turner has proposed a bill that would protect Oklahomans from the dark forces of two-cock wedlock this week by banning marriage altogether. Arguing that the fucking baby shouldn’t have been mixed in with the bathwater in the first place, Turner argues that the courts have left him no other legal recourse for his wretched, small-minded hostility.
Are they under the impression that the gay-marriage-ban thing has been working so far?!? If they let this one slide, dudes are gonna start having butt sex for the first time? Spawning gay families?
The scrap of sanity hidden in his morass of malevolence is the Libertarian notion that states shouldn’t be in the business of regulating marriage, a point that might have debatable merit if it weren’t derived entirely from faith-fueled fanaticism. To his credit, Turner makes no attempt to sell this legislation as based on high-minded principles; crediting the inspiration for the move entirely to god’s well-advertised hatred of fags.
Can we stop pretending that legislation about the definition of the word ‘marriage’ makes any fucking difference. This is Christian assholes finding absurdist measures to make sure gay people can’t get taxed fairly. As if eternal damnation isn’t punishment enough.
Ryan Kiesel, executive director of the Oklahoma ACLU characterizes the move as desperate political posturing that is all but guaranteed to fail. When asked about the proposed ban, Kiesel called the legislators backing the bill (quote) “…out of touch with most Oklahomans” (end quote), though off the record I’m sure he called them a hell of a lot worse than that.
Oklahoma Republican introduces bill to block gay marriage in by outlawing marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/01/25/oklahoma-republicans-bill-would-block-same-sex-marriage-by-stopping-all-marriages/
And in “Ejaculate the Ripper” news, Georgia church official Craig Lamar Davis was found guilty of felony charges, for willfully spreading the HIV virus, despite his defense that his AIDS diagnosis only happened because of all the crack he smokes. When asked by prosecutors: “Then why are you taking AIDS medicine?” … Davis responded that it’s a preventative measure, after he heard a rumor that coincidentally all the women he sleeps with have AIDS somehow.
So here’s how fucked the Davis defense team was: Apparently part of their defense strategy was to put some AIDS denialists on the stand and argue that there’s no such thing as AIDS. And that AIDS doesn’t come from HIV. And that HIV tests are all bullshit anyway. Hard to imagine how they lost this one.
Apparently it’s easier to get a job at a church than it is to become an Amsterdam hooker. And Amsterdam hookers can literally be high on crack in the interview, as long as they don’t also have AIDS. Bottom line: They preside over similar amounts of sexual activity, but Dutch pimps are far more responsible about it (and consensual about it) than God’s HR department.
The thing they actually found him guilty of was “reckless HIV”. That’s how they actually phrase it; two counts of reckless HIV. Makes me think of him accidentally jacking off on somebody’s salad or something, “Oh, I’m sorry, did I get HIV on your plate? How reckless of me.”
And because I’m also a twisted fuck, this story made me think of Billy Joel playing $10,000 Pyramid with Peter Griffin …
Billy Joel: “AIDS … Crack … Bernie Goetz …”
Peter Griffin: “Things that kill black people?”
I was gonna go with “things that have been in Amy Winehouse’s vagina”
But I think we’re a little off track, so just to summarize: The church official didn’t know about his AIDS because of the crack, and then couldn’t help but jizz-murder those women, because good Christians don’t use condoms.
This story has crack, HIV, and church: http://www.ajc.com/news/news/defendant-in-hiv-trial-found-guilty/ncwb6
And from the “At the Very God Damned Least” file tonight, a Nepalese court has ruled that when you rob children of their youth in order to worship them as temporary incarnations of a mythical being for a few years before tossing them back into the world educationally and socially retarded, you have to give them money.
Right assuming they only work their prepubescent slave-goddesses 60 hours a week for 5 years, they get about 78 cents an hour back-pay, spread out over 10 years, assuming laid-off Pre-Cogs can get new work and survive in society for that long.
The ruling was a small step toward righting the insane and despicable institution of “Kumari”, in which little girls are worshipped as living goddesses until they get a muff tuft. Apparently the girls are selected by strict physical criterion that includes shit like (quote) “an unblemished body, a chest like a lion and thighs like a deer.” But just in case the thought of a team of experts examining the chests and thighs of prepubescent girls didn’t boil your blood at all, the few girls who are unlucky enough to meet the strict physical requirements must then prove their bravery by not crying while watching a buffalo get slaughtered. At ages as young as FOUR. And then the winner gets to live in a temple where they’ll be paraded around as objects of worship while not getting an education or having a childhood.
America has a more efficient system for dealing with the JonBenet Ramseys in our culture, when we’re done with them.
I think it’s important to note that the court isn’t ending this practice. They’re not phasing it out or forcing the temple to give the girls eight hours a day of education and some free time to fuck around with a rainbow loom or anything. All they’ve done here is ruled that the girls have to be paid a pension for a few years after all this psychological abuse. So apparently they weren’t even doing that.
Nepalese girls kidnapped by prehistoric nonsense to be compensated: http://www.gulf-times.com/nepal/250/details/377883/ex-kumari-welcomes-pension
And in “C-word isn’t just for Caucasian” news, Christian talking head and vice-presidential candidate abortion Sarah Palin celebrated Martin Luther King Day by telling President Obama that in honor of her nigga MLK, he should stop playing the race card … Which is physically impossible. Black people can’t stop playing the race card. Barack Obama, despite his very best efforts, can’t just get a white library card and stop being a black President.
Yeah, she’s on a limb even in her own party on this one. Most republican Christians don’t want to revoke the race card; they just want to make sure you bring three forms of ID when you renew it.
There is speculation that Palin’s comments were a response to a recent New Yorker article, in which an Obama quote points out that some people like the idea of a black President, and some people dislike the idea of a black President. Apparently this self-evident truth came off as a venomous Black Panther rant to the Alaskan hockey mom, who runs a neighborhood watch that helps NORAD visually detect Russian nuclear attacks. If she’s scared of Obama, I want to see her interviewed with Richard Sherman.
Well she does have some credential on this issue. She was the governor of Alaska and you can see black people from Alaska, so she probably knows her shit.
So is it just me, or do you wish that MLK could hate fuck Sarah Palin, and you could pay $100 to watch??? … Famous civil rights leaders fucking awful white bitches … That’s a porn goldmine. Which segues smoothly to about half a minute of clever new titles we’ll think up on the spot, right now.
30 seconds on the clock. Civil rights leaders fantasy porn titles: GO!!!
“White Dicks Palin Comparison to Malcolm’s XXL”
Susan B. On-her-knees starring in “The Undergown Railroad”
Right, with Harriet Chubman as the black hermaphrodite.
“Nelson Mandela Living in Bondage: Apar-Tied to the Bed Posts.”
Three Missing Civil Rights Workers, One Cup? Too soon? To do another two girls one cup joke?
No such thing. The whole point of the genre is to see Anne Coulter get shat on …
So what about “Scat Turner’s Revolt”??? … “Desmond’s Number Tutu”???
Gotta get some guy on guy golden shower titles in there too, like “Martin Luther Queen in ‘I Have a Stream’”. I believe Frederick Dug-Ass was in that too.
Pee at last! Pee at last! …
Louis Farra-Conjugal Visits: The Insemi-Nation of Islam … Filmed on location at Martha Stewart’s Country Club Jail: Where choking a bitch is a white collar crime.
I like the Suffrage and Discipline stuff. Like Elizabeth Cady Strap-on.
“Rosa Parks It in the Rear” … That one’s ironic, because black women don’t usually like anal.
Jesse Jacks-Off Jesse Jackson?
What about “Hand Jobs for Strokely Carmichael: Finally some white people doing manual labor.”
W.E.T. DuBoys and Medgar Whenevers in N Double D CP
Sarah Palin lectures Obama on race for MLK Day: http://www.latimes.com/local/abcarian/la-me-ra-on-mlk-day-tonedeaf-sarah-palin-says-obama-plays-the-race-card-20140120,0,3099194.story#axzz2rPG7wjaO
And in the disturbingly thin “Midwestern lawmakers who aren’t dogmatic turd-cuddlers” file, Nebraska state senator and openly atheist pioneer Ernie Chambers has introduced a bill that would eliminate state property-tax exemptions for churches. Because you’d have to be a fucking idiot not see the logic in that. Unfortunately for the future of the proposal, his colleagues largely don’t see the logic in that.
I love this guy Ernie Chambers, but his title “Most Atheist Member of the Nebraska State Senate” isn’t that impressive. Neither is “Smartest Member of the Nebraska State Senate” or “Blackest Member of the Nebraska State Senate”. It’s like “Oldest Kid in the Cancer Ward”.
The language of his bill read almost like an audition to be a co-host on this show. He basically just copied the existing list of exemptions and crossed out the word “religious” wherever it appeared. He didn’t delete it, mind you, he left it there, but crossed out. And as if that wasn’t awesome enough, in his statement of intent for the bill he reminded his Christian colleagues that Jesus was all about rendering unto Caesar what was Caesar’s and closed with the following actual quote: “All things considered, I expect my colleagues to say, regarding this bill: “Let thy will be done.” To which I can atone: “Amen.” (end quote)
Yeah his whole statement of intent was hilarious. My favorite line might have been his opener: (quote) “The purpose of LB 675 is to help the State gain more revenue, rather than less, by taking away churches’ property tax exemptions.” (end quote)
Yeah, I would almost lick this dude’s asshole based solely on this story. Of course, unlike the “outlaw-marriage so fags can’t have ‘em” bill we discussed earlier, this one has absolutely no chance of success, but it did boost Chambers into potential running mate status with Barney Frank in the Scathing Atheist’s involuntary presidential ticket for 2016.
And in “Natural Born Again Killers” news, it’s been 613 days, so it’s no longer too soon to laugh at West Virginia preacher Mark Wolford, who died from a rattlesnake bite after performing a service with the deadly reptile on May 27, 2012. As is often heard when redneck psychopaths have a mishap, someone yelled: “You get the truck! I’ll get the snake bite juice!” But instead of driving the truck to the hospital, Wolford was taken to a nearby safe house where they routinely take snake bite victims to rest themselves back to health. And because that’s stupid, he died.
If only all stupid was that fatal.
These guys are pushing that envelope as best they can. Adherents of venomous snake handling cite God’s words from Mark 16: “In my name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” (end quote) …
This particular passage of the Bible has caused an entire category at the Darwin Awards. Among the former winners is Wolford’s father, who also died of a snake bite the same way. And as he watched his father die, he saw God give a subtle wink, which was apparently the really tricky sign this guy needed to carry on the family business.
So when this shit happens… generationally… it has to either be proof that Jesus isn’t a viable anti-venom or proof that these people don’t really love Jesus. I think it’s probably the latter so my suggestion is that all true Christians attempt rattlesnake cunnilingus so that we can weed out the imposters.
Why aren’t they focusing on the other suggestions?!? “Take up serpents” is obviously the worst one. It would be far less destructive if they fondled breast cancer patients, and didn’t heal them. Or if they just killed themselves by drinking poison.
West Virginia snake handling preacher dies from rattlesnake bite: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/05/30/11956841-snake-handling-preacher-dies-from-rattlesnake-bite-in-west-virginia
And in “I bet these idiots were wondering who Acklew was” news, the ACLU has filed suit against the Sabine Parish school district in Louisiana for a prodigious list of constitutional violations. The suit accuses the school of a (quote) “long history of proselytizing students and promoting religion” (end quote) including, but not limited to incorporation of Christian prayer into school events, religious iconography in the halls and classrooms, an electronic marquee with a constant scroll of bible verses, the inclusion of the words “god exists” on the statement of beliefs for the school district, faculty led bullying and ostracization of non-Christian students, religious questions on science exams, the explicit teaching of creationism, offering extra-credit for believing in the Christian god and holding mandatory prayer assemblies.
For the church to pay back all the tax money they’ve stolen, and then add all those 50-shekel payments to new dads on top of that … They’re financially and morally bankrupt 1000 times over, and therefore no longer allowed to exist!!!
Oh, believe it or not, this story gets worse. The ACLU is suing on behalf of a 6th grade Buddhist, whose science teacher allegedly included questions like (in all caps) “Isn’t it amazing what the (blank) has made” followed by, I shit you not, 32 exclamation points, and then called him stupid in front of the class when he refused to write “Lord” in the blank provided. When his mother complained to the Superintendent she was apparently told that this was the bible belt and if she didn’t like it her son should either change his faith or move to another district where there are (allegedly quote) “more Asians.”
Whoa!!! That’s Clossing the Rine!
ACLU sues LA school district for all kind of Christian bullshit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/this-district-just-got-sued-for-teaching-creationism-offering-extra-credit-for-writing-bible-verses-on-tests-more/
Moving on to “Not Quite Two Birds With One Drone” news, Pope Franti-matter helped two children almost publicly murder a pair of “peace doves”, by releasing them from his weird little speaking window above St. Peter’s Square, only to be immediately attacked by two of Obama’s atheist drones, disguised as a seagull and a large black crow. The President denies any involvement, but he did give me a fist bump as he made the denial . . . And then he did this thing where he blew it up. Like (blow up sound) … Black people are so cool.
Yeah. When white people try for cool handshakes it ends up looking like Michael J Fox playing roshambo with Stephen Hawking. Black people got the style and the big dicks so I don’t know why they’re still so pissed that we got all the impartial justice and living wage jobs.
Catholics are traumatized, and suspect this is the work of Satan, Star Scream, or the Jews. Strangely enough, nobody suspects the godless, Kenyan, Muslim, homosexual in the White House, who was likely also behind the August 2013 sabotage of an Oral Roberts jingoism rally, in which they hired a bald eagle to fly on stage, and instead it crashed to the floor in epic failure as an auditorium full of idiots chanted “USA!!!”
And I’m surprised nobody’s put it together. Don’t they know that Kenyans can communicate with animals?
I saw his birth video when he talked to Mufasa … And what’s with white people and our endangered species fetish?!? We’re always doing ridiculous shit, like renting bald eagles, shooting pterodactyls with assault rifles, eating panda steaks, bow-hunting black people. Somebody needs to stop us, or we will continue ruining the world.
Pope releases peace-doves, which get attacked by atheist birds: http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/pope-francis-s-peace-doves-attacked-by-birds-at-vatican-1.2511761?cmp=fbtl
And on that somber admission we’ll close out the headlines, Heath, thanks as always.
Happy to be here.
And when we return Eli Bosnick will join us to remind everybody that he’s funny as fuck.
On January 18th of 2013, at 7:17am Malaysian Standard Time, a new podcast was born, released into a cruel and unforgiving world with only it’s wits to guide it.
That podcast, was this podcast.
And since that day we’ve consistently brought you a new show every Thursday without exception.
Except for the first five episodes when it was biweekly.
We’ve consistently provided 30 minutes of high quality dick jokes…
Except episodes 10 and 25, which were an hour..
And we’ve had them to you at precisely 8am Eastern Time, every week.
Except episodes 43 and 48, which you fucked up and dropped early.
Heath and I work tirelessly every week,
Heath, Lucinda and I work tirelessly every week to bring you the best half hour of blasphemy we can muster, often working upwards of 200 hours a week to make it happen.
There are only 168 hours in a week.
I meant between the 3 of us.
That’s still way high.
More like 100.
That’s still probably high.
But it’s a lot. And if you don’t believe me, just ask my wife.
And if you don’t believe me, just ask my vagina.
Wait, your vagina talks?
No, that was a joke.
But the point is that we work really hard.
And to continue to provide you with the highest quality fart jokes in the other religion podcast subcategory on iTunes, we need your help.
Specifically, your money.
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You stole that line from Brian Dunning.
Pretty much, yeah.
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Award season is in full swing. You’ve already skipped the Golden Globes, avoided the Grammys, forgotten all about the People’s Choice Awards and you’re actively not giving a shit about the Oscars so we figured; why not squeeze one more meaningless ceremony into the season.
And in accordance with the fact that religious idiots think atheists believe in Satan, he we are hosting the “Penta-Grammys”.
That’s right. And in addition to a ready made pun, this also provides us a great opportunity to bring back friend of the show and audience favorite Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back. It’s been too long.
(screaming in terror)
Alright, so here’s how the Penta-Grammys work. We’ve randomly chosen a few categories for this inaugural ceremony and each of us will offer our nominee. And since winning awards was rendered meaningless in 2010 when they gave Sandra Bullock an Oscar, we’ll just leave it at the nomination phase.
Our first category is an obvious one and Heath, you’ll start us off; Best Religious News Item of 2013
The Scathing Atheist headline read something like: “Imaginary Jesus voices tell area man to exorcise Satan by blowing up the family puppy with an IED.”
Or, as friend of the show Tom from Cognitive Dissonance put it, “Worst shock collar ever.”
These were apparently the same voices that told him to prepare for a rapture, that kept not happening despite the Mayan Calendar not being infinite, and despite a now-dead Harold Camping having calculated the first derivative of the Bible to solve for Apocalypse. So the December 2012 rapture didn’t happen, the year 2013 did happen, Jesus helped murder a labrador retriever, and the End Times Calculus asshole died. Lots of good atheist lessons here, but the puppy murder takes it for me. We all know religion can trick people into torturing, raping, and killing other people, but that doesn’t seem to be a deal-breaker. Maybe the puppy thing will do it.
Satanist Memorial thing let this begin a movement all over.
Strangely, we actually haven’t had occasion to talk about the Satanic Monument on the show since they unveiled the design, so if you were pressed to describe the proposed monument to the audience, what would you say?
Okay, so this isn’t a particular headline or anything, but I’m nominating the rise of the atheist church, or the godless congregation or whatever I have to call it to not piss off the people who don’t like them. I know a lot of people are stand-offish on the whole idea, but I look at it as a necessary step toward national secularism. So that’s my nominee for News Item of the Year.
Yeah stuff like Sunday Assembly is getting some steam in the States now too. Nice to see early evidence that people can hang out in groups on Sunday, without being self-righteous bigoted assholes about it.
Moving right along to our second category, this is a dubious distinction, I would think, but our second category is “Religious Figure Who Has Done the Most to Promote Atheism” and Eli, why don’t you start us out?
Pope Francis. Just changing his mind about everything. Next week he’s gonna be like “Eh…its a myth…who wants to get some PUSSY”
It really has been amazing. Just a quick list of some of the crazy shit he’s said in his first year of papacy:
“Who am I to judge gay people?”
“Atheists can get into heaven”
“Bare tits in church? That’s cool”
“I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power of the enemy, every spectre from hell and all your fell companions; in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ”
Didn’t he also mention something about “There is no Catholic god.”??? Maybe we can get him on the show to elaborate.
I’m going with Antonin Scalia. He’s not a religious figure per se, but he’s religious and he’s a figure. And he aptly demonstrated this year that no amount of education and academic achievement can make a Catholic not sound like a raging lunatic when he starts talking about religion.
For those who don’t recall, Scalia did an interview with New York Magazine where he admits to believing in an actual, physical, existent devil. And as if that wasn’t terrifying enough from a Supreme Court Justice, when he was pressed about why we never see any evidence of this magical embodiment of evil, he explained that (quote) “The devil’s getting wilier”
Despite the Pope’s skeptical stance on this guy, I’d like to nominate Catholic God. He’s clearly gone out of his way to be more than fair with us logical people recently. He’s literally bending kids over backwards to make atheism look good. And forwards. More bending over forwards, really. Depends if they’re blowing a second priest.
And when Pope Frandle in the Wind tries to get too hippie about shit, god kills his birds, so yeah, good nominee.
Of course, If this was the Oscars there would be a poorly cobbled together musical number here, but luckily, it’s not, so we’ll just move directly to the next category; “Moment in 2013 That Most Conflicted With the Concept of a Loving God.”
And at first I was gonna go with those big ass typhoons, but they mostly only killed brown people so I went with a story we covered on episode 26 of this program; and it was a story about a congregation in Fresno, California that was convinced that a tree outside their church was weeping holy tears. And even after it was painstakingly explained to them that the “tears” were actually aphid shit, they continued to not only worship them, but DRINK them.
And if there was a god there’s no way he would make it that easy on us.
I’m with Noah on this one, but I’d like to expand the nomination to any of several times that God made people literally eat shit and drink piss. This all happened in 2013 … We’ve got the aphid shit mistaken for magical Jesus sap, we’ve got God letting churches set up shit-water basins to use as “holy water”, we’ve got a guy being prosecuted for telling a bunch of shit-sippers that the crying Jesus statue is just a leak from a nearby public restroom sewage pipe, and we’ve got a Hindu cult drinking virgin cow urine … and still having cancer afterward. And also, I’d like to nominate cancer in general.
The death of paul Walker. The 2nd hour of the wolf of wall street…or all those starving kids…I dont know…
Awesome. Okay, so this next category is a tricky one. I originally wrote it down as “Biggest Asshole”, but despite Heath’s first choice for nominee, we’re not actually basing this on anal circumference.
So “African Altar Boys” doesn’t work.
Right. What we’re looking for here is the person the world could most have done without in 2013. Eli, who would you most like to scrub from the population statistics?
So for this one my nominee was obvious; Pat Robertson, but the tricky part was deciding which egregious lapse of humanity to nominate him for. Should it be for the AIDs decoder ring quote? For asking how he can respond to gay people’s posts on Facebook if there’s no “vomit button”? For comparing transgendered people to his castrated horse? For diverting charitable funds to his secret blood diamond mining operation, which I’m not just making up to make him sound more like a GI Joe villain?
And after a long night wrestling with that question, I decided to opt for “none of the above” and just nominate him for not having the decency to go ahead and fucking die.
I’m going with Muslim God on this one. Next to asshole in the dictionary, I think there’s actually a picture of a generic deity lashing a female rape victim with a bull whip. This is the same imaginary guy that told several countries to install Gaydar and prostate exams at airports. The same non-existent asshole that insists women dress like lepers … and sponsors death bounty fatwas on people that don’t like all the stuff I just mentioned. I’d also like to mention all the faithfully rapey Muslim men that make it all possible. And the fundamentalist clerics. And the whole crew over at Hezbollah. And those crazy niggas over at Al Queda. And of course Mr. and Mrs. Kazaam – Allah’s magical mom and dad.
Alright, and our final category is a little bit more on the serious side. It’s also the only one I can imagine anybody being happy about winning and it’s the only one that I’m absolutely certain will appear again in next year’s Penta-Grammys; gentlemen, who would you like to nominate for 2013’s Atheist of the Year.
I’d like to nominate our very own, Noah Lugeons. Not only for his tireless work on what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time. And not only for marrying the talented Lucinda Lugeons, the woman many are calling “The Anti-Coulter”. And not only for his many great appearances on other atheist and skeptical broadcasts. But most importantly, for pointing out the following when I suggested a Mormon necrophilia joke in honor of Paul Walker …
“Well, they do practice posthumous baptism, so they do have experience moistening dead people.”
Well now just to be fair I think I should toss out one of your best quotes on the show. How about that time when you were talking about how awesome I was and you said (quote) “what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time”? That one was probably my favorite.
Okay, so for my nominee here, I was damn tempted to go with Valerie Dodds, the Nebraska porn star that got in trouble for breaking into her old Catholic school and publishing video of her using a crucifix as a dildo, but I don’t know for sure she’s an atheist and this one was supposed to be at least kind of serious, so I’m going with friend of the show and inaugural Farnsworth quoter Hemant Mehta.
Amen!!! Among many other things, nobody aggregates daily religious jack-assery in perfect format for scathing atheist headline researchers like the Friendly Atheist He-Man.
His indefatigable work has not only made atheism more visible, but his charity work has done a lot to give atheism a more friendly face, a more relatable face. And even though it seems like we’re actively working to undermine that every week, I think we can all agree that atheism can’t succeed as a movement if it’s just made up of assholes like me.
And bigger assholes like me … at least in circumference.
Alright, so that’s gonna do it for the First Annual Pentagrammy awards, Eli, thanks for dropping by.
And Heath, thanks for fifty great episodes man. Here’s to fifty more. And then a few crappy ones because this shit is getting exhausting.
The 40, the 45, the 50 – Jew-Manji!!!
And with one more quick thanks to everybody who wrote in with their favorite moments from our first forty-nine shows, we’re gonna leave you with a few of the Scathing Atheist’s greatest hits.
Before we flip the breakers tonight, I wanted to offer an apology and a quick correction; on the calendar segment in episode 48 I gave dates for a few of the major conferences coming up this year, including the dates for TAM 2014, which actually haven’t been announced yet. Fucked up on the research and accidentally listed the dates for last year’s TAM so sorry for any inconvenience that caused. We’ll get the correct dates to you as soon as they’re announced.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but if twice as much us just isn’t enough, be sure to check out my guest appearance on The Imaginary Friends Show with Jake Farr-Wharton; you’ll find me along with the incomparable Martin S. Pribble and the only slightly comparable Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and the brand spanking new “Atheistically Speaking” podcast. You’ll find all of that on episode 166 of Jake’s show, which will, of course, be linked on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Of course we can’t close this thing out without thanking Heath for all that he’s done and all he continues to do to make this show what it is. I need to thank Lucinda for adding her unique brand of vulgarity and wit to the show. I really need to thank Eli for making time for us this week. And I also want to thank everybody who ever sent in a Farnsworth quote for the show. To those people that didn’t make it into the montage at the beginning of this episode I apologize; the damn thing just got too long when I included everyone.
I also need to offer a true and sincere thanks to everyone listening for making this whole project fun enough to do fifty times in a row. We really appreciate you giving us a half hour of your life every week, and occasionally an hour; and we’re already hard at work trying to earn another half hour next week. Thanks for making the show possible.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most notable humans; William, Evan, Alan, Cherie, Chris, Christine, Jeffrey, Tony, Joseph, Justin, Jerry and April. William and Evan, whose mighty fists act as emergency backups for the Large Hadron Collider; Alan and Cherie, who are faster than a speeding Kryptonian; Chris and Christine, whose intellects are so legendary their iPhones ask them questions; Jeffrey and Tony, whose erections have been declared Tsunami safe-zones; Joseph and Justin, who are so attractive they each have an event horizon; and Jerry and April, whose very names probably inspired spontaneous orgasms in at least 10 percent of our listeners just now.
These twelve valorous and unblenching heroes earned eternal praise, unwavering appreciation and over-the-top compliments this week be giving us money. Giving us money is a noble, selfless, laudable act; so if you’d like to test your nobility, selflessness and lauditute, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the home page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d love to help but you spent the family fortune pursuing the perfect robotic delouser, you can also help us with nothing but an internet connection. It only takes a few minutes to leave us a glowing review on iTunes and the reward lasts a lifetime. Also, don’t forget to follow us next time you’re on Twitter, subscribe to us next time you’re on YouTube, like us next time you’re on Facebook and call out our names next time you masturbate.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.