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Episode 46 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by… Catholi-Size Matters: Jesus-themed porn production company.  We’re the guys that brought you: Glory Holy Bible Camp, The Hi-Res Erection, Keaster Sunday, and of course Keaster Sunday Deuce: The Second Coming Via Prostate . . .

Catholi-Size Matters: We put a (painful) new twist on “Veggie Tails”

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s 2014 of all things

And now I’m hung over from the drugs I took for my hangover.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from deep in the bowels of New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin die in a tragic running with scissors accident,

  • We’ll make shit up,

  • And Noah’s wife will join us two take Two Kings at the same time.

But first, the diatribe…

Headlines

Joining me for headlines last week is temporally vexing Heath Enwright.  Heath, were you ready to toss off your chronological yoke?

No, but I will be by the time we recorded this.

Alright, and of course, as this episode is prerecorded, we don’t actually know now what happened in headlines this week, but in the almost full year we’ve been doing this, I think it’s safe to say we can accurately predict what will have happened by the time this episode airs.

So what follows are the stories that we’re pretty sure will happen between now and then.

So with that in mind, in our lead story tonight, the Pope made worldwide headlines this week when he found a baby bird that had fallen out of its mother’s nest and attempted to nurse it back to health.  Dozens of major media outlets obligingly ignored the fact that he runs a worldwide institution that has actively obstructed international legal attempts to investigate their role in systematic child torture as recently as this month and reported on the baby bird story instead.

Yeah he was in Africa right?  Helping glue live flies and fake cleft-palettes on the faces of starving children for the UNICEF commercial?

You’re partially right.  He was in Africa.  But Pope Framnesia actually found the bird while jerking off homeless amputees in the slums of Nigeria and despite the warm bed of cotton and the painstakingly julienned worms he provided, the bird died the following morning.  The pope blessed it and they had a little funeral in the Vatican’s backyard.

———–

And in “Archaeology of Covenant” news, diggers unearthed the real god box, and found a previously unpublished prologue to the Bible.  The 1-page introduction simply read: (quote) “This whole book in an allegory, so don’t take anything literally, and don’t get carried away.  I’m just a dude writing a book.” (end quote)

Yeah it also had the controversial dedication page “To my bitches” along with a long list of acknowledgments to Egyptian mythology and the dude who wrote the Epic of Gilgamesh.

While this marks the end of Judaism, Christians and Muslims are insisting the prologue was written before their God existed, and therefore doesn’t apply to them.  Strangely enough, despite this revelation, Satan hasn’t taken over, and people seem to be raping and pillaging at the normal Old Testament clip.  

To be fair, we’re way more certain about the Ark being found than the Satan not taking over part of this hypothetical news item.

———–

And in “Check chapter one of his dental record” news tonight, popular American mega-pastor Joel O’Steen was found dead in Florida last week in what authorities are calling “anal auto-erotic stimulation gone tragically wrong”.

I heard he got one of his humongous incisors lodged in his colon, and died of internal bleeding.  That’s why you never go ass to mouth solo.  I vote that if O’Steen actually dies between now and then, we still run this skit.  Even if “anal auto-erotic tragedy” somehow isn’t the cause of death.  

According to an article that we expect will by now be on the Huffington Post, off-the-record sources report that a gold or brass plated automated butt-plug might have been involved in the accident, though nobody yet knows how many horsepower it had or who has the butt plug now.

———–

And in PERFECT news, over the course of 48 hours, a half Christian, half Muslim, chiropractor, exorcist, pedophile, mohel with AIDS, gave a shitty massage, virus-raped several babies, drowned a puppy in a cauldron, and accidentally killed himself with an explosive anvil that he got from the Acme store.

And you can tell he was all the way in it, because it would have been a hell of a lot easier to use a tub or something, but that motherfucker found a cauldron in which to drown his puppy.  See, that’s the problem with religion.  It forces you to drown your puppies in archaic receptacles.

Not only was this the greatest Darwin Award string of events that ever occurred, but before this guy spent two days in a fucked-up Ed Norton commercial, he was a porn star in gay parodies of 90’s comedy movies.  And, his last words before he died were: “Put 30 seconds on the clock.” … Love this guy!!!  Team player . . .

I’ll start it off with “Dropping the Soapdish”

Shitty Slickers?

Glazed and Confused

Forrest’s Rump

“The Pud Sucker Proxy” … Which is the worst job on a gay porn set. You’re basically the stunt fluffer.  If you do well, you could be promoted to fluffer.

I’m torn between Plop Fiction and Pulp Friction…

———–

And in the “There’s actually a Senator named Crapo” file tonight, Idaho Senator Mike Crapo proposed a piece of sweeping legislation officially titled the “Muslims and Butt Sex Scare Me Act of 2013”.

Critics are claiming the legislation is full of pork, but it’s not clear whether they’re making a pun about Muslims fearing swine, or making the more obvious reference to the butt sex.  

The law would allow Christian employers to force secular employees to pray, accept Jesus as their lord and savior and remain celibate until marriage; it would make it illegal to own property that didn’t have a baby Jesus on it during Christmas; and it calls for the deportation of Muslims and gays.

So we’re gonna set up a new nation for deported gay Muslims?  Call it Guy-beria?  MenPal-estine?  Bowel-estine?  Maybe Israel has some disputed territories we could annex back.

Not exactly.  They’ll be deported to San Francisco.  Conservative commentator and heart attack being staved off with liberally MacGyvered wiring Rush Limbaugh praised Crapo’s proposal until he realized that Crapo intended to use the parts of the bay area that are above sea level.

What does current sea level matter to Limbaugh, when there’s about to be a giant flood due to all the gays and public dancing?!?

The “Muslims and Butt Sex Scare Me Act of 2013” or, as is referred to in the mainstream media, the “Towels and Bowels Act” has been attacked from both sides of the political aisle.

The alternative media is calling it the “Rags and Fags Act”.

Liberals call the law gratuitous, draconian and theocratic, while conservatives denounced the law for in no way interfering with women’s reproductive autonomy.

Anyway, that’s gonna do it for pre-headlines tonight, Heath, thanks for having joined me.

Glad to be here.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to polish off Kings.

Babble (Two Kings)

Two Kings is the final in what was originally a four part history of Israel spanning the period from the first kings to the Babylonian exile under Nebuchadnezzar.  The divisions aren’t arbitrary; when the book was first penned it was written in scrolls and there was a limit to how long a scroll could be before it became too cumbersome to transport.

And this is worth noting because as you read it, it seems like even an incompetent editor could have knocked this down to one scroll without losing anything that wasn’t begging to be lost.

No kidding.  So joining us to delve ever deeper into the rectum of scripture is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be hear.  And gross.

Alright, so we’ve kept everyone in suspense for three weeks, so let’s not make them wait any longer.

  1. Yeah, Two Kings gets right to the action.  King Ahazia got hurt so he sends his men to go ask some foreign god to help out.  Real god gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell the king’s messengers that for asking the wrong god, real god is gonna kill him out of spite.

  • So the king says: “What kind of dude was this alleged prophet from real god?”

And his messengers say: “Well he looked pretty authentic.  He had the hair shirt … and the leather belt … and completely nude, otherwise.  Seemed credible.”  

    1. The kings pissed so he sends for Elijah, but every time they send fifty men to bring him down from his mountain he goes all “Tim the Enchanter” on them and calls down fire from heaven to incinerate them.

    2. Until the third captain and his fifty men come up and remember to say please.

  1. Then Elijah dies, becoming yet another flaming chariot statistic, but he passes along his super god-powers to Elisha before he does.

  • Yeah Elisha says to Elijah: (quote) “Please let there be a double portion of your spirit on me.” . . . I’ll just balance that “cum joke” on this golf tee, and y’all can-

  • A double portion of spirit on him?  That’s either body shots, or money shots.  A little weird either way.

  • I know Elijah’s a man of god and all, but it seems like even he would need a few minutes between portions.

  • I figured the spirit would come inside him, not on him.  That’s right, we do our “cum jokes” in proper threes like gentlemen.

  • Filthy monkey gentlemen.

  • And filthy monkey gentlewomen.

  1. And then we get his Bruce Almighty moment where he has to try out all the new shit.  He parts a river, blesses a well …

  • Right, he put salt in the well to prevent dead babies.  Elisha’s Famous Saline Miscarriage Solution.

    1. Then he summons divine she-bears to maul the kids that made fun of him for being bald…  Honestly, I’ve been looking forward to that moment since we started reading this fucking thing.  And sure enough, there it is.  Two Kings 2:23-25.  Some kids call him bald, which he is, so he curses them and two she-bears…

    2. (very important that we know the gender, apparently)

    3. …Yeah, they were chick-bears.  And they kill forty two children!  Did all forty two call him bald?  Were they chanting it?  Did they all stand in a long line?  Anyway, yeah, call Elisha bald and get mauled by bears.  Check.

  1. Then in chapter three, and try to keep up here, the kings of Edom, Israel and Judah set off for war with Moab and they forgot to bring water.  So they get Elisha and he’s a dick about it, but he helps them by summoning a flood and getting god on their side against Moab… until the king burns his son alive in god’s name, at which time god calls them off because, hey, god has a thing for incinerated children.

    1. Makes perfect sense.

  2. Chapter 4 kicks off with Elisha fracking supernatural gas for some degenerate widow-gambler.  The whole story seems to be an endorsement of United States foreign policy.  If you owe creditors, you can pay off your debts by ruining the environment, and taking oil from religious Middle Eastern men.    

    1. Right so besides the oil thing, Elisha also multiplies some corn, makes a barren woman pregnant, brings the kid back to life when he dies and unpoisons some stew.

  • Yeah, and I didn’t think they’d go straight back to this particular magical power, but Elijah definitely taught his protege how a dude can dry hump a dead baby back to life … But it’s not as bad as it sounds … This time, the kid sneezes seven times … Which is only three short of an orgasm … So that like 70% consentual already.    

  1. And then Elisha cures a dude of leprosy… before giving the leprosy to his servant for being an asshole.

  • And the leper he cured was a big army commander.  I can’t help but picture the Black Knight with no arms and no legs … still yelling at Arthur-

  • “What are you gonna do, bleed on me?!?”

  • “I’m invincible!!!”

  • “You’re a looney.”

  • “I’ll bite your legs off!”

  1. And since it wasn’t made explicitly clear in the first five chapters, Elisha isn’t some kind of fake prophet … who can’t magneto a metal axe-head out of the ocean.  He did – in fact – do exactly that.  And like 3 or 4 un-named ancient desert lumberjacks saw it.  

    1. He also strikes an entire army blind, marches them to a different city, gives them back their sight and makes them dinner   I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves here, but Elisha is making Jesus look like a pussy.  

  • And this is where God’s divine biographer insists that we know about the state of the barter economy.  So for the record, two and a half liters of bird shit, were equal in value, to legally purchasing a rape victim from her father … Although the author doesn’t make it clear whether this is too much – or too little – bird shit.

  • So that’s a real thing in the Bible!!!  And we’re the assholes?!?  The nominee for divine book of creation, effectively contains a  bird shit to daughter-rape conversion chart, and we’re the assholes?!?  

  1. And as if we hadn’t spent enough time on what a bad ass Elisha is, there’s a siege against Samaria.

    1. And you know it’s bad when people start pulling the old “we’ll eat your son today and mine tomorrow” trick.

    2. But the king asks for Elisha’s help so he has god trick all the besiegers into running off, which apparently he could have done before they started eating their children.

  2. And then we get some fucking literature for a change.  Took me 544 pages of this shit before I actually stopped and said, “Oh, that was good”, but when we get the story of Elisha and Hazael, it actually gave me goosebumps.  That was some solid shit.

    1. Phenomenal introduction of a villain.

    2. And yeah, I’m not gonna spoil it.  It’s that good.  I suggest you read those 9 sentences.  And if you haven’t been listening along, by the way, those are the first 9 sentences of this book that I’d recommend to anyone.

  3. So everybody’s still warring with everybody and Elisha’s sick of it so he sends one of his acolytes to declare a new king via drive-by anointing.

    1. So Jehu becomes king over all of Israel, but nobody told the current king so Jehu gathers up an army to go tell him himself.  And the kings of both Judah and Israel do exactly what it says to do in the Monarch Manual when a new claimant to the throne shows up at your gates.  They wander out and ask what he wants.  So he shoots them both to death with arrows.

    2. And he finally makes good on god’s promise to have dogs eat Jezebel by getting a couple of eunuchs to toss her out the window.

  • “Any castrated slaves up there, who aren’t completely satisfied with their employment situation?  Defenestrate that bitch!!!”

  1. And then Jehu goes on a fucking rampage.  He demands the heads of all 70 of Ahab’s sons and he uses them to decorate the city gates.  Then he kills all Ahab’s priests, loyalists, patrons, childhood friends, fluffer, substitute teachers…

    1. And then he rounds up all the worshippers of Baal, kills them, burns down their temple and pisses on it.

  • And now the public restrooms at Disney Holy Land stand on that spot.  I imagine slaves dressed as golden calves run around in a pit, and Israeli kids piss on them to earn prize tickets.

  1. Then we meet the evil queen Athaliah who’s such a cunt that the people overthrow her to install a seven year old as their king.

    1. And there were Batman Lego sets for all

  2. And chapter twelve seems like it was retrofitted when a lot of people started asking where the money was going.

    1. Yeah, an odd diversion for a dozen paragraphs while it promises us that all the money is going to temple repairs, we swear.

  • And those were NOT child slaves, those were union contractors.  We Jews choose our laborers the same way as our women: Slow and expensive, but talented with tools.  

  1. And try as they might, the Israelites can’t please the lord.  They burn the worshippers of Baal, but they leave the sacred pillars.  They destroy the sacred pillars, they leave the high places.  They just can’t get it together so god keeps punishing them by letting other nations annex bits of their country.

  • I’m just curious . . . How the FUCK do you end the existence of a “high place”?!?   Build something taller, so the original spot is no longer a high place?  You can’t ban ‘height relativism’.   

  1. And if that’s not enough, the stupid king doesn’t strike his magic arrows into the ground enough times when Elisha dies so they can’t obliterate Aram.

  • And if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear these guys didn’t read the book of the annals of the kings of Israel, because they never remember to turn away from the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, which he had caused Israel to commit, which was made up of the unkosher shit they ate.  

  1. Then in fourteen we get the reign of ancient Judean king and Vegas strip-tease magician “Amaziah”.

  2. And the next two chapters just repeat the dull “kings list” pattern; so and so, son of so and so, reigned for so many years in Israel and he did evil in the sight of the lord, and he slept with his ancestors and they buried him in the city of David.  Next!

    1. Plus you’re trying to keep up with two kingdoms at once which makes it a migraine.

    2. And in between doing evil in the sight of the lord and dying, there’s always one trivial fact about him.  He went to war with so and so, he massacred Edomites, he paid off the king of Assyria…  Who picks the one thing that they say about the dude?  I can’t imagine the most significant thing that King Ahaz did was temple decor.

  3. And then the Assyrians finally show up and get the exile started, ostensibly because the Israelites worshipped gods other than proper jew god.

    1. And here’s what I don’t get about god… he’s pissed at the jews because some of them didn’t worship him exclusively, so he gives their land to a group where none of them worship him exclusively.

    2. Yeah, it’s almost like it was a post-hoc rationalization by besieged monotheists.

  • It’s nice the way god’s existence takes the meaning away from the failure/success concept … and also everything we ever do as humans.

  1. But, of course, the newcomers don’t know how to keep jew god happy so they suffer a number of lion attacks as they adjust.

  2. Yes, and apparently at present the jews are being held captive in Assyria to this very day.  Because it says so in the bible.  And the bible is literal according to people who either haven’t read or haven’t comprehended it.

  • They just pay one Jewish dude to dress up as the mascot, and stand in a cage with a placard of 2 Kings 17.  “Look I’m an authentic Israelite exiled forever to this shitty street corner in Northern Iraq.  Don’t let this happen to you.”  Religion’s like the Truman Show, but with 6 billion Trumans all getting fooled at once, somehow.

  1. And then we meet king Hezekiah of Judah, who tells the Assyrian King to fuck off.

  2. The king is pissed but god is pissed-er and when the Assyrian army marches on them, God kills them in the night, leading everyone who ever served in one of god’s armies to say, “Wait… if you can just kill them yourself, what the fuck do you need me for?”

  • “We’ve been marching around a desert for decades, wearing 150 pounds of bronze, swinging swords, and you have drones with smart bombs?!?  I’m chafing like a leper over here.  My crotch looks like a half-eaten pastrami on rye.”        

  1. Hezekiah gets sick, and in a chronologically perplexing twist Isaiah shows up to tell him he’s gonna die.  He asks god really nicely and god agrees to add 15 years to his life and turn the sun back a few minutes to show that he means it.

    1. And if you want to know more about Hezekiah, is it not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?

    2. And can I just say that the Annals of the Kings of Judah must have been a fucking dull read.  I can’t help but think of it as the outtakes of the shittiest parts of the Old Testament.

  2. Then we get a couple particularly ungodly kings.  You know, build their sacred poles in really high places and what-not.

  3. And then we get Josiah, who I’m starting to think commissioned this thing.  Anyway, his cleaning lady finds a book entitled “How to not make god destroy Judah” and when the king starts reading it, of course, they’re doing all the shit it says not to do.

    1. So they tear their clothes.  Disheartened jews and angry wrestlers…

  • This is also where Josiah embezzles some wishing well gold.  He says to the high priest: “Take all our cash, and give it to my friend who’s in charge of the carpenter’s union.  He’s super honest, so don’t even worry about getting a receipt.  And then go back and rewrite chapter 12 to have several details that conveniently correspond to what I’m telling you is happening right now.  Probably a good idea to put something about this in the book of the annals of the kings too.

  1. And he busts his ass to de-heathen the whole place, but god’s unimpressed so he decides to wipe Judah out as well.

  2. Then in twenty-four Nebuchadnezzar shows up and it’s so welcome.  And he takes Judah and breaks Solomon’s toys.

  3. But the puppet king Nebuchadnezzar left in charge doesn’t know what’s good for him so he rebels, so Ol’ Nebby takes the city, captures the king, kills his sons, pokes his eyes out and takes him captive.

    1. And then they try to put a positive spin on it at the end by pointing out that the next king was really nice to the blind, deposed prisoner that used to lead the Jews.

  • He even got an allowance … which was ample.  

And thus ends a migraine of a four-book history of Israel that began back in One Samuel.  I don’t know about you guys, but I learned nothing.

The good news, though, is that as I understand it Chronicles is basically an alternate ending to that whole story so we’re not out of the woods yet.  But we’ve got three weeks to rub our temples before taking that one on.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks as always.

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