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Episode 45 – Partial Transcript

December 26, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Link to Hemant’s Blog

Link to Foundation Beyond Belief

Warning: This podcast breaks between 50 and 70 per cent of the commandments, depending on who you ask.

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fox’s new “holistic programming” channel: Placebo FX; featuring an all-star line up of pseudo-scientific programming including hits like “Grey’s Astrology”, Chiropractor Who and Sons of Anthropometry.

Placebo FX: Because TV execs stopped trying when they realized people would watch American Idol.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s December 26th

And we can finally listen to elevator music in public places again.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from city waiting for it’s balls to drop, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Belgium puts the youth back in euthanasia,

  • Optimus Prime will die for your sins,

  • And Hemant Mehta rejoins us to spackle some cracks in the wall of separation.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

Last week I was doing a little Insufficiently-Executed-Jew-Mas shopping at one of New York’s fine Fifth Avenue retail establishments when I happened upon 5 white haired little old ladies in matching smocks.  And on these smocks they’d written, in glue and glitter, the words, “Granny Peace Brigade”.  And unlike me, they weren’t giving in to seasonally induced mindless-consumerism.  No, quite the opposite in fact.  They were there to protest.  And of all the evils that face our world, they’d chosen to invest their efforts of protestation on fucking video games.

And I stood there and regarded them with anthropological curiosity.  Because clearly they’d put some time into this.  They’d spent the money on matching yellow smocks and they didn’t half ass the glitter.  They’d clearly each made their own, but each one had the team name written in block letters of approximately the same height.  And they’d all met up for crafts and maybe some lunch or something and then headed out to show those evil retailers how they felt about them filthy computer whats-its with the blood and guts in ‘em.

So it’s not the they weren’t willing to put in the time to research it.  They just didn’t do it.  Do violent video games correlate with violence?  There’s mountains of good data out there and much of it is available for free on the internet.  The consensus seems to be almost certainly no and while there’s some indication that violent people tend toward violent video games, there’s no compelling evidence to suggest that violent video games lead to increases in violent behavior.

But these ladies didn’t bother to check.  They’d already invested time and passion and glitter in this shit.  You think they were gonna do some independent research that might have proved them wrong?  Hell no!  Obviously research wasn’t on the menu or they would have picked a store that sold video games.

Research, shmesearch.  They looked at video games, saw violence, looked at the news, saw violence and they put two and two together.  Sure, they got thirteen, but the important thing is that they had an excuse to get together with the bridge club and make a trip to Ben Franklins.

And when I see these misguided geriatric “blood”ites and their fruitless campaign to impact violence through good intentions and stupidity, I can’t help but think back to four mandatory years in high school of English lit with no classes on critical thinking.  No pre-requisites about psychology or epistemology or formal logic.  And nothing against English Lit, but so far in my adult life the ability to spot bullshit has been far handier than even the best of quatrains.

But thanks to religious fundies, critical thinking isn’t on the school menu.  Because think of all the shit teachers get when they teach redneck kids about evolution.  Imagine if the kids were coming home asking where Noah got his Patagonian pumas.  Or how Moses wrote the parts about his own funeral.  Or why we should thank god for sacrificing himself to himself in the first place.

I’m not going to say that religion is the reason people are stupid, but it helps.  It fosters a stupid, overly-accommodating culture that says there are multiple ways to arrive at truth and the ones with evidence and data aren’t any better than the ones without.  We have different ways of evaluating the truth and sure, yours uses your brain, but mine uses my heart.  Or my pancreas, since that’s just as logical a place to say my thoughts come from as my heart.  And my pancreas thoughts are as good as your brain thoughts because science can’t tell us everything and nobody knows for sure.

And meanwhile, if we could just set all that shit aside and agree on a consistent and logical way of evaluating claims (we could call it science) then we could figure out what matters and what doesn’t and put our time toward something more productive than protesting video games, but we’d rather not do that because we don’t like being wrong… and we’ve already made the smocks.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is reigning Champion of the InKredulous Podcast, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to throw down some of that award winning incredulity?

Why are we even talking about this?!?  This entire podcast should go without saying!!!  

If god existed, I wouldn’t win at anything!!!

Well done; now how about some of that award-eligible headline delivering?

In our lead story tonight, A&E suspended ‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson, after the release of a GQ interview, in which he made several unoriginal homophobic remarks, including a hackneyed comparison of gay sex to bestiality.  As a result, God-fearing, Christian, heterosexual sheep fuckers everywhere, are up in arms.  And that means Westboro Baptist Church is up in arms.

Yeah, when the Westboro Baptist Church is coming to your defense, it’s a good sign your career is over.

So the heir to the “synthetic quacking fortune” released a statement…

Did it just say, “I’m a 67 year old Christian redneck from Louisiana that kills small animals for a living; of course I hate queers you idiots.”

No, it actually explained how he’s super tolerant of gays: (quote) “We just give ’em the good news about Jesus – whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later.” (end quote) …

So that’s nice.  He doesn’t put arbitrary labels on people, like gay … alcoholic … suicide bomber.  

And as for that ‘good news’ … those groups are all equally going to hell fairly.  So good news gay drunks who’ve been dying to get into terrorism: Nothing holding you back now!!!  And good news lesbian Al Queda soldiers: Drink up!!!  And good news bi-curious alcoholic suicide bombers: Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance!!!

“Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance”… okay, so when we get them to take “In God We Trust” off the money, we’ve got a ready replacement.

Along with the WBC, several other professional bigoted assholes have voiced support for Robertson’s traditionally acceptable hate speech, including the Family Research Council, and Quran-burning Pastor Terry Jones.  They argue that A&E “not H-eight-ing fags”, denies Robertson’s First Amendment Right to exercise Christianity in a world where all corporations H-eight fags.

The Duck Dynasty Guy getting from the Westboro Baptist Church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/20/westboro-baptist-duck-dynasty_n_4479995.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And from the “Now Where Will We Crucify Voltron?” file tonight, a San Diego federal judge has decided that a 43 foot tall concrete cross on public property could be interpreted as a government endorsement of Christianity.

Or at least government persecution of Jews, Muslims, and Transformers.

Don’t say that around Michael Bay or I swear Optimus’ll be hanging from this thing in part seven.  Now I think it’s worth noting that this is only the latest in a long series of judges ruling the Mount Soledad cross unconstitutional.  Legal wrangling over the status of the controversial eyesore has been ongoing since 1989 and it was already found to be unconstitutional once in the nineties and again in 2011.  Because it’s a giant, gaudy cross sitting on top of a mountain on public property and it doesn’t take a seasoned magistrate to see what’s wrong with that.

I’d say the best way to get rid of the cross would be burning it.  Shouldn’t be too hard to find some Christians to get on board with that.

Proponents of the cross have tried everything from making the surrounding space a memorial to selling the land to transferring it to federal jurisdiction to avoid complying with the constitution, and despite the fact that a church a few hundred feet from the present location has offered to keep it on their property, proponents fight on because what’s the point of having a 29 foot tall cross on a 14 foot base if it isn’t on the summit of a mountain?

Judge orders that Mount Soledad cross be removed: http://marksilk.religionnews.com/2013/12/13/why-the-mt-soledad-cross-and-its-like-are-unconstitutional/

And in “Salvation Arms Race” news, the War on Christmas rages on, as bell-ringer Kristina Vindiola was punched really hard in the arm, while collecting donations outside an Arizona Wal-Mart.  Reports indicate she provoked the violence when she started shouting anti-Christian epithets like “Happy Holidays”.

This may be the stupidest example of Christian dominionism.  Set aside that before they started getting all uppity about it most people thought of “Happy holidays” as a way of getting Merry Christmas and Happy New Year out in 5 syllables; even if it means what they think it means, they’re getting pissed off at people for publicly acknowledging the fact that some people have a different religion than them.  How dare some?

So an un-named “Merry Christmas Fundamentalist” heard Vindiola use slurs like the “H-words” several times, as well as other inflammatory synonymous phrases like, “BLANK-cember 25th”.  The Christian shopper obviously became incensed, and shouted back something like: “Don’t you believe in God? It’s Merry Christmas, you godless cunt!” – and then assaulted Vindiola for being a terrible Christian.

Salvation Army volunteer punched for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/17/kristina-vindiola-punched-happy-holidays_n_4460525.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

And in equal opportunity genital joke news tonight, the Russian Punk Band Pussy Riot was released from a Russian prison last week when it was deemed that the national threat that their metronomic cadence and scaled down barred chords presented had sufficiently expired.

And the feminist movement takes another blow … which they hate.  The most famous all-female band in history still has “Pussy” in their name.  Pussy Riot surpassed the illustrious Pussycat Dolls on their climb to the top of the … tiny area below the glass floor.

The members of the all-girl band were originally imprisoned after recording a music video that criticized the Russian church’s support of Putin and in a theoretically abnormal abuse of anti-blasphemy laws, Putin incarcerated the group after painstakingly revealing the details of his evil plan.

And I suppose now that we’re this deep into the Pussy story, it’s inevitable that we put 30 seconds on the clock…

I can usually go twice that long.

Names for Vaginal Tribute bands.  Go!

Bled Zeppelin

Johnny Gash and Tennessee Twat

Cooze Traveler

Cleft Leppard

Blue Oyster Cunt

Queef Latifah

Molly Hatchet Wound

And for the ladies who like in the Jazz; Cunt Basie and the Kansas Titty 5

Phish … Tacos

Queen Crimson, maybe?  More like a gay joke than a pussy joke, I guess…

Grand Master Gash  

Labio-Head?

Meat Loaf Wallet

Fleetwood Crack

Pink Void: featuring Roger Twatters

Hoo-Hah and the Blowfish

Snatch Box Twenty

I have a few more, but I think that’s enough feminism for the time being.

Amazing that in 17 vagina puns we never used “clit”

I looked for one but I couldn’t find it.

Pussy-Riot members released from prison: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/20/pussy-riot-rockers-convicted-of-religious-hatred-are-released-from-russian-prison/

And just a few quick items before we close the headlines . . .

Item One: 61 years after UK courts convicted math and computer genius Alan Turing of being too gay while cracking Nazi cryptography, and 59 years after his related suicide, the living Queen pardoned the dead queen, and apologized that he was offered chemical castration via female hormone sex-change injections in lieu of jail.

So soon?

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/24/world/europe/alan-turing-enigma-code-breaker-and-computer-pioneer-wins-royal-pardon.html

Item Two is a quick update on the would be Satanic monument on the Oklahoma Statehouse steps that we talked about a couple of episodes ago.  After receiving additional requests from Hindus and animal right activists, the state has declared a moratorium on new monuments, that will, of course, not affect the ten commandments monument that got this ball of shit rolling.

Oklahoma declares “moratorium” on displays at Statehouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/19/okla-wont-allow-new-requests-for-capitol-monuments-after-satanists-others/

Item Three: Human veal supply will spike after euthanasia was approved for youth in Belgium.  And it’s about time . . . When you eat Chinese children, you just want to adopt another kid thirty minutes later.  

http://www.religionnews.com/2013/12/19/belgium-debates-allowing-gravely-ill-children-right-die/

And quick, before it gets worse, we’ll close out the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, I’ll be rejoined by Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta to talk about what students can do to keep god out of their high schools.

Outro:

Before we apologize awkwardly and claim it’s never happened to us before tonight, I wanted to direct you to a hilarious episode of the InKredulous Podcast featuring Jay Novella of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe, our very own Heath Enwright and our very own me.  You can Google InKredulous (with a “K”) or you can look for a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.  Huge thanks to Andy for the invite.

http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/

I also need to thank Lucinda for opening the show for us, I need to thank Heath for his humorous lack of a moral compass, I need to thank Hemant Mehta once again for a really productive and interesting conversation and I want to remind you that you can find links to his website and the Foundation Beyond Belief on our homepage and on the shownotes for this episode.

Of course, I’ve also gotta thank Dustin from the Atheist Nomads podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  His partner did one before but Dustin made more of the rock star entrance.  If you haven’t checked out their podcast yet you have noone to blame for it but yourself.  Again, links can be found on the shownotes.

http://www.atheistnomads.com/

I need to congratulate Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for Grinching all the joy out of Christmas for me this year by defeating me by less than four points last week in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, thus earning the first ever championship title in said league.

But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most exceptional vertebrates; Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane.  Steve-O, who’s so cool they measure him in Kelvin; Chester, who’s fortified with 13 essential vitamins and minerals; David, whose athletic prowess is so great he hold records in sports he’s never played; Ryan, who is second only to the Hokey-Pokey in being what it’s all about; James, who shall one day inherit a kingdom and make a killing with it on ebay and Magnus the Great Dane, who is, by default more correct on the god question than more than three-quarters of the world’s human population because even a species that eats it’s own poop knows better than to believe in god.

These six notable and noble humanitarians and caninatarians have justified the proterozoic leap into multi-cellular life this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the compassion, composure and competence to compensate us, but if you think you share Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane complementable competence, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you got duped by that old “better to give than to receive” line again this year and blew all your cash, no worries.  You can also help us a ton by leaving us a review on iTunes and checking us out on all the various social media places you frequent.  Oh, and check us out on Stitcher because I forgot to mention that the last couple weeks and our Stitcher ranking dropped so do that.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

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Episode 44 – Partial Transcript

December 19, 2013 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

 

Warning: I took an Advil PM an hour ago so I can’t remember what I’m supposed to say, but Heath and Noah are gonna say fuck.

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Jesus-themed Chinese Restaurant chain “Wok on Water”; from the team that brought you the delicious Jewish/Asian Fusion Cuisine Cho-Zen.  Come in and try this week’s special, Peking of Kings Duck with Easter Egg Drop Soup.

Wok on Water: The masters of cruci-fried rice.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s December 19th

And Kickers and Defense shouldn’t count in fantasy football.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from bitterly frigid New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • We learn humans came on Earth via arcing ropes of panspermia.

  • We find out that reindeer games are more hockey than basketball,

  • And Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will join us to rescue a shred of dignity, after the Paul Walker necrophilia jokes.

But first, the diatribe…

 

Diatribe:

This past weekend Heath and I were playing each other in the semi-finals of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists; a fantasy league we play in with a bunch of other secular podcasters and bloggers.  And I don’t just bring this up so that I have an excuse to mention that I trounced him and will face off against Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance in the Championship Game this weekend.  There’s also a minor detail that clumsily segues into the point of this week’s diatribe.

So I’m watching Eddie Lacy lead an amazing comeback victory amid a burgeoning 24.3 point fantasy performance that would ultimately best Heath and end his fantasy season in crushing defeat and I’m doing so with a couple of friends.  One of them is a nice enough guy, but he’s one of those athletic precog-wannabes that constantly says shit like, “Watch, this next one’s gonna be a touchdown”, or “I bet he throws an interception here”.  He’s wrong as often as odds would suggest he would be but on the rare occasion that he gets one right, he starts planning his future as a psychic crime fighter.

And as I’m listening to Nostra-dumb-ass rattle off his predictions, I can’t help but think of all the easy parallels between that and religion.  This tendency to take credit for shit you obviously had nothing to with even if it means willfully ignoring how often you’re wrong.

We talked about one of the micro-manifestation of this two weeks ago when I bitched for four minutes about athletes thanking god when they win and not sacrificing the appropriate number of bulls when they lose.  Thanks for the win, Jesus, and sorry the desolate one got the best of you in the three consecutive losses that led to it.  Thanks for the parking space, Jesus, and I’m sure you had a good reason for intentionally making me drive around SoHo for 20 minutes before you provided it.

And as much as it pisses me off to adopt the “good thing happened therefore god did it” attitude, it’s nothing compared to the equally common “good thing happened therefore Christians did it” attitude.

Consider it on the historical scale.  There are plenty of Christians that will tell you the church led the charge to end slavery around the world.  But they’ll conveniently leave out the fact that the church also led the opposition to the charge  to end slavery around the world.  They try to take credit for civil rights, for women’s suffrage for fuck’s sake.  In fifty years they’ll be telling us how religion paved the way toward equality for gays.

But now dial it back a bit and consider it on the cultural scale.  And I won’t have to reach too far to find my example.  Consider all the “reason for the season” bullshit that pissed you off on Facebook this week.  Consider the desperate attempts to claim authorship for all the various pagan celebrations that have survived and coalesced  through societal evolution over the years and how jealously they guard their dominion over them.

I know the point’s been made plenty of times before, but none of the good parts of Christmas are Christian.  The gifts, the lights, the tree, the mistletoe, the joy, the charity, the tinsel, the feasts, the family, the elvish reverse-burglar, the emotionally manipulative TV commercials, the caroling, the stars, the remote control helicopters… all of these things have non-Christian origins.  And I’m willing to bet that if you keep all that shit and take out the Baby Jesus stuff and the guilt-induced church attendance, people wouldn’t stop celebrating Christmas.  And if you took out the Pagan stuff it would be as popular as Epiphany or Ash Wednesday.

And as vociferously as they protest anytime somebody makes the claim that Christmas is a secular holiday, they don’t own it.  They don’t have any claim to it.  They don’t have a copyright on presents or Santa Claus or decorated trees.  And while we’re at it, they don’t have exclusive claim to joy, forgiveness, happiness or goodwill.  Hell, they don’t even have a monopoly on fictional guys with beards and magic powers that judge you morally and bestow gifts accordingly.

They started the war on Christmas when they stole in the first place.  There’s nothing at all wrong with fighting back.

 

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is first runner-up in the semi-final round of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to watch jealously as I compete for the title next week?

Fuck Justin Tucker.

In our lead story tonight, Judge Brian M. Cogan of the Federal District Court in Brooklyn has granted the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York a judicial prophylactic against the provision of the Affordable Care Act that would require they provide contraceptive care to the employees of their non-profit affiliates.  Judge Cogan found that giving the church no right to dictate the lawful sexual behavior of people they tangentially employed would be a violation of the first amendment.

Will the insurance cover paper towels to clean up after you pull out?

No, I think that still counts.  Keep in mind that nobody’s asking these bishops to buy condoms and distribute them to their employees.  And nobody’s requiring that anybody buy or use contraceptives of any kind.  They’re just requiring that employers provide healthcare that covers contraceptives without a co-pay; and not just because Satan loves rubbers.  It’s also at least subtly influenced by the fact that contraceptives are way cheaper than pregnancies and all the good kinds of abortion.

Are you sure about the good abortions?  How much could it possibly cost to get all these women one coat hanger each?!?  The ones that work in the same office could even share.

Court sides with Archdiocese in contraception controversy: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/17/nyregion/new-york-archdiocese-wins-ruling-on-contraception.html?_r=0&adxnnl=1&rref=nyregion&hpw=&adxnnlx=1387310059-n3uEUr09A3o8ZSYIdyqc4A

And in “Panspermia” news . . . No I am not talking about the new stir-fry dish at “Wok on Water”.  Nor am I speaking of the penalty for being a shitty customer at Pizza Hut.  I’m talking about the the book by alleged ecologist Doctor Ellis Silver, entitled “Humans Are Not From Earth: A Scientific Evaluation of the Evidence”.  

Oh, well if it says “scientific” right there in the title…

First reaction: Real scientists shouldn’t need to expressly announce in the title, that their studies are (quote) “scientific evaluations of evidence”.  Those are the fucking rules already.  

Yeah, it does have an “I swear I’m not lying” ring to it…

That being said, let’s take a look at some of Dr. Silver’s super-sciencey stuff . . . which he chose not to publish in scientific journals, because he wants to engender non-expert debate on the subject.

Of course…

So he had a bunch of theories, including “Humans just don’t feel at home on Earth”.  But my favorite one is (quote) “The size of babies’ heads present a problem for women when giving birth” (end quote). So he’s saying, if women aren’t aliens, why don’t they have giant vaginas?!? … If anything, the problem isn’t small vaginas . . . It’s our huge penises.  Can’t speak for everyone, but Irish Brothas be performin’ C-Sections.  So apparently aliens from Alpha Centauri are smart enough to travel multiple lightyears between solar systems, but can’t manage to find a planet that matches their snatch size?!?  

Interesting story selection, by the way.  It sounds less like a story we would normally cover on the Scathing Atheist and more like a story Andy would have given you for the InKredulous podcast we recently guested on before switching you out to a different story at the last minute leaving you with a fully written story you didn’t need.  Weird.

Panspermians looking to debunk Darwin: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2507377/Humans-NOT-come-Earth–sunburn-bad-backs-pain-labour-prove-expert-claims.html

And from the “I’m Dreaming of a White Christian” file, Fox News anchor and shrieking bobblehead Megyn Kelly offended people who are and are not white last week when she insisted that despite the perplexing historical and genealogical implications, Jesus was white.  And as if trying to camouflage the stupidity of that claim amid the larger stupidity of another, she couched it as an example to bolster the claim that Santa Claus is also white.

Well he’s giving gifts to a whole bunch of different kids, in different houses on Christmas, so he sounds more like a black guy to me.  Although he is a job creator, so it’s hard to say.

This tangent into xenophobic insanity came as a response to calls for some racial inclusivity in the Santa legend.  After all [spoiler alert] Santa doesn’t actually exist, so why can’t we warm our children’s hearts with stories about black men breaking into their homes once a year?

How about a compromise?  Santa can still be white, but the elves that work for him without compensation can be black.  And instead of reindeer he can have Mexicans.  Hold on, that makes no sense.  The sweat-shop elves should be Mexican, and the reindeer should be black.

On Shizzle, on Nizzle, on T-Bone and Pookie…

But it’s a white dude naming the black sleigh slaves . . .  

So like “On Toby, on Rupert, on Django … on Pookie.”

Jesus can say say cracker: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-brad-hirschfield/santa-is-white-really_b_4433624.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003 <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/13/the-unbearable-whiteness-of-being-megyn-kelly-jon-stewart-skewers-fox-news-caucasian-persuasion/ <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/12/tabula-reza-foxs-megyn-kelly-insists-jesus-was-a-white-guy-reza-aslan-responds/

And from the “So Many Holes, So Little Crime” file, Judge Clark Waddoups of the US District Court in Utah, ruled in favor of the polygamous family from the reality show “Sister Wives”, declaring a law against their plural marriages unconstitutional.

And the anti-gay-marriage lobby’s collective echo of “Told ya so!” could be heard throughout the country.  “Next it’s gonna be them fellers what fuck sheep an’ stuff!”

The show documents the life of Kody Brown and his family of four wives and seventeen children.  Clearly wanting to set me up for a “Big Love” joke, Brown is about 6’4″ – 250, and appears to like his women the same way, with matching feathered, blond, David Spade haircuts.

Yeah, if we’re just going by weight, marrying any one of these gals is polygamy.

So now that we’re on the subject of the vagina-heavy sexual exploits of these genius bigamist bastards,

I see where you’re going. 30 seconds on the clock … Mormon Porn Stars and Titles: GO!

Does it have to be shit porn, like last week?- Nevermind doesn’t matter: “8 Wives, 1 Cup”

No it doesn’t have to be shit porn, but if it did, I would lead off with Glenn Pecker starring in “Nobody Swallows Shit Like Mormons”

“Dry County Golden Showers”

Clit Romney in “Nymphos and Nephites”… a follow up to her 2009 hit “Laying the Lamanites”

Brigham Hung in “The Great Salty Lake”

Damn it.  I was gonna go with the “Great Salt Lick” but now I have to change it.  Um… How about “Polygamy, myself and Irene… and Cassandra and Judith and Sharon and Anne”?

Ted Bundy’s Magical Undies … That’s right: Serial killer extraordinaire Ted Bundy was a Mormon.

I’m surprised the momos don’t advertise that more… it would make them seem less like pansies.  Okay, how about Tony “Big Bologna” Moroni in “Brides and Prejudice”?

“Missionary Position: Finger on the Front Buzzer” . . . And of course: “Missionary Position Number 2: Getting Pushy at the Rear Entrance”

Described by critics as a Polyga-must see.  And of course, the homo-momo-erotic classic; Trey Park-it and Matt Blown present “The Book of More-Men”

Utah judge strikes down anti-polygamy law: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/12/14/21903224-federal-judge-strikes-down-key-parts-of-utahs-polygamy-law-in-sister-wives-ruling

So I guess we’ll close it quick before Heath realizes that recently deceased crappy actor Paul Walker was a Mormon and starts suggesting Mormon necrophilia porn titles…

The Recently Passed and the Curious?

Well, they do practice posthumous baptism so they do have experience moistening dead people.

And on that lovely image, we’ll close headlines for tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

 

And when we come back Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will sit down with me for a much tamer conversation about the problems that young atheists face when openly declaring their disbelief.

Interview: Hemant Mehta

Link to Hemant’s Blog: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/

Link to Hemant’s Book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Young-Atheists-Survival-Guide/dp/1939221072

Link to Secular Student Alliance: http://www.secularstudents.org/

Link to Freedom From Religion Foundation: http://ffrf.org/

Link to Reddit/Atheism: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/

 

Outro:

Before we set up camp for the night, I wanted to remind everyone that if you hear this before the 21st, you still have time to nominate us for a Stitcher Award at Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com.  You can nominate up to once per day and you can nominate us in multiple categories so we strongly suggest that you do that.

I also wanted to thank Cat and Mouse for giving Heath and I our first opportunity to actually meet a couple of our listeners.  Probably a way bigger deal for us than it was for them so thanks for that and sorry for constantly looking over your shoulders to see how Le’Veon Bell was doing but hey, it’s the fantasy playoffs, you know?

I also need to thank Heath for being funny enough to get away with saying the shit he says.  I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her lovely voice to open the show, I need to thank Hemant Mehta one more time and remind you that as good as the first half of that interview was, the second half is even better.  And you have a week to read his book before you hear that, so if you want to do the homework, you’ll find a link to it and to his blog on the shownotes for this episode

And of course, I’ve got to thank Andy Wilson of the Merseyside Skeptics and the InKredulous Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for inviting Heath and me to join him on his incredibly hilarious show.  Look for that episode coming in the very near future and look for a link on our Twitter feed and Facebook page as soon as said link is available.

http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/

But most of all tonight I need to thank this week’s most tremendous terrestrials, Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin.  Jacqueline, whose sexual magnetism carries a court-ordered pacemaker warning; Ward, whose statuesque physique would be a frustratingly persuasive argument in favor of intelligent design; Bill, whose voice is so sexy it makes automated operator’s come; Tim, who chops through flaming, steel girders with his dick; Katja, whose genetic perfection is so absolute they’re renaming a nucleotide after her; Jeffrey, whose legendary swordsmanship and nautical notoriety are the reason so many pirates are missing an eye; Wolfgang, whose name would kick anybody else’s name’s ass in a fight except possibly Magnus and Benjamin, whose inevitable greatness is so palpable that statues have already been commissioned in advance of his world-altering accomplishments.

These eight elegant, admirable and accommodating altruists proved themselves in the only non-Jenga related way that matters this week by giving us money.  Only the atheists that believe in god the least have the incredulity required to give us money, but if you think you share the superlative skepticism of Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help us out but you have kids and it’s December, you can help us a ton for free by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and telling a friend about the show.  If you need more Scathe in your life you can find us on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and we have a blog and occasionally, there’s shit on that too.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.