The Scathing Atheist

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

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Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sharia Law & Order: Sinful Victims Unit.

In the Islamic Justice System, female victims of sexually based offenses are considered especially culpable.  The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious women are an elite squad known as the Sinful Victims Unit.  These are their stories.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 20th,

And now that Paul Walker’s dead, his roles will be played by Aaron Paul – aka the “Miracle on Ice”

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from the city that never sleeps, New York, New York

And the city that never flosses, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode

• We’ll open with a series of bullet points,

• We’ll get through a snake-handler story with no masturbation jokes,

• And Jay Novella joins us share non-culinary advice for atheist parents

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I was accused in an email exchange the other day of “hating religious people”.  And I was about to email back that “I don’t hate religious people, I hate religion”… but I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to be dishonest.  I do hate religious people.

But it’s not because they’re religious… it’s because they’re people.

Think about the copious amounts of ass that people suck.  I hate most of them.  And I’d guess that about 80% of the people I hate are religious.  And 2% of them are atheists.  And 18% of them are spiritual, agnostic or “other”.

The whole notion that the atheist movement hates religious people is even stupider than the assertion that atheists hate god.  Religion is an oppressive force and it harms religious people a hell of a lot more than atheists.  I’m in no danger of foregoing life saving medicine and opting for prayer.  I’m in no danger of being swindled by a preacher.  I’m in no danger of being butt-raped by a Catholic Priest… well, no, I guess we all are, but I’m in a low-risk demographic at least.  But the whole premise is asinine.  It’s like saying abolitionists were motivated by their hatred of slaves.

Of course, this came about in one of those stupid “How can religion be bad if so-and-so exists?”  arguments So-and-so being, of course, some morally incorruptible person.  And whether the example is Martin Luther King, Jr. or the sweet old lady across the street, it’s no less stupid an argument.  Lucinda and I have a couple of neighbors that are as nice as two people can be, except the fact that they disowned their son for being gay.

And sure, they’d run into a burning building for us, they’d donate a lung for us, they’d fight off a pack of she-bears for us, but does that make homophobia any less egregious?  Does the fact that the axe murdered also fed stray cats a reason to go easy on axe-murdering?  And if good religious people mean that religion is good, what the hell do bad religious people mean?

But there’s more wrong with this argument than it’s simple failure to sequit.  I’ll give you a great example in the form of my landlord.

The dude is as nice as anybody you can imagine.  Seventy two years old, spry, intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humor and he’s quick to hurry over and fix shit that goes wrong, provided it doesn’t do so on the Lord’s day.  He’s super-religious and it would be physically impossible to dislike him.

The other day I was talking to him and he brought up his church which he is often wont to do.  He had a bit of a sunburn going and when I asked him about it he said he got it mowing the lawn at his church.  The two acres around this church.  That a seventy-two year old man is mowing for no compensation.  And why, pray tell, is the old man mowing the lawn?  Well, the church was concerned with their finances and they feared they could no longer afford the monthly landscaper’s fees.  And they figured that Jesus would really appreciate it if somebody volunteered to mow that giant-ass shadeless lawn once a week under the unforgiving South Georgia sun.

But it’s not that they were taking advantage of him.  Au contraire.  He understood how important it was.  Why, unless somebody donated their labor to the church lawn, they wouldn’t be able to send any money to the Southern Baptist Convention.

So the church is sending a septuagenarian out to mow their lawn so they can properly fund an anti-gay hate-group that was founded on White Supremacy and only got around to apologizing for that shit in the mid-nineties.  How moral of them.

So no, I don’t hate religious people… at any higher rate than I hate non-religious people.  And I’d even go so far as to say I can prove it.  If I really hated religious people and I really wanted to stick it to them, I’d stop doing this show, I’d just shut up about atheism and I’d let the church have ‘em.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is Olympic Vanadium Medalist Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to go for the Chromium?

Hey, don’t knock Vanadium.  It has the highest melting point of any period 4 transition metal.

Take that titanium!

In our lead story tonight, Australian chemist Simon Horsfall is slipping disapproving notes into the package when he sells oral contraception to those customers of his pharmacy that don’t share his Catholic beliefs.  In other news, Australian pharmacists mistakenly refer to themselves as “chemists”.  They count pills, and collect people’s money every week.  They have the same skill set as a drug dealer.  They’re not exactly inventing new plastics for NASA.

This actually explains why the Australian Space Agency is still lagging so far behind Latvia.  Reminds me of those Fosters commercials.  You show an uppity fucker eyeing me suspiciously when buy syringes for my diabetic cat and it says “Chemist” and then it shows a cheap can of carbonated dingo piss and it says “Beer”… but it’s Australian so it’s three syllables long and they never quite get to the “R”….

Here’s a statement from the (air quote) “chemist” (end air quote), who’s been writing self-righteous notes like this for 12 years: (real quote) ”It’s about integrity – if you say one thing and do something else, that is hypocrisy. We practise what we preach.” (end real quote) … First of all, ‘practice’ doesn’t have an ‘S’ … It has a ‘C’ … Second, he doesn’t practeeze what he preaches at all.  He’s been making money selling contraceptives for at least 12 years!!!  He’s going to hell, and he’s talking about integrity and avoiding hypocrisy?!?

It’s more like hypocrisy squared.  “I’m against this, but I’m gonna profit off of it, but I’m gonna call you an asshole for giving me your money.”

I’m willing to consider the merits of both sides of the abortion issue.  But contraception?!?  Wearing a cross around your neck is pretty good contraception.  Money shots are contraception.  It was happening before condoms, just not well.  So like it or not – and whether or not one particular outer-suburban pharmacy (slash) Pfizer Lab in Australia approves – widespread availability of real contraceptives is one of the greatest public health accomplishments of the last century.

Yes, I think it’s time we moved beyond the “orgasms are evil” doctrine.

Australian Pharmacist puts disapproving note in every bottle of contraceptives: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/take-note-this-chemist-disapproves-of-contraceptives-20140213-32jz1.html

And in “god forsakes the flakes who partake in the shaking of snakes” news tonight, Kentucky pastor and squamate appetizer Jamie Coots died of stupidity last Saturday after being gnawed on by a venomous rattlesnake.  Coots is part of the Darwinian oversight known as “Snake handlers”, a group of Pentecostals who believe that god is the only anti-venom they need, despite the extraordinarily high rate at which their pastors demonstrate otherwise.

It’s literally gotten to the point that if this happens again next week, we’d almost have to skip the story out of boredom.  Maybe we just do occasional segments when zero Pentecostal preachers committed suicide by serpent venom that week.

Yeah, snake handlers have been done to death at this point.  Coots was bitten during a Saturday night service but rather than seek medical attention for the treatable but otherwise mortal wound, he instead opted for the “Jesus take the presynaptic neurotoxin” approach and treated the bite by laying on his couch and praying… even after EMTs showed up at his home and offered him real-universe medicine.

It’s a good thing I’m not an ambulance guy.  I would have made a joke about it being “Pastor Expiration Date.”  

Yeah, your sense of humor might not work well in any emergency medical profession.  Now, if the name Jamie Coots sounds familiar, it’s because be discussed this celebrity death-pool lock back on episode 27 of this show when National Geographic tapped him to star in their visual testament to faith-inspired idiocy “Snake Salvation”.  Nat Geo has issued an apology and vows to replace the show next season with more responsible programs like “Cutting Yourself for Jesus” and “Rabbi Rosenbaum’s Wide World of Long Distance Circumcisions”.

Yet another snake handling preacher killed by… wait for it… snakes: http://www.wbir.com/story/news/local/2014/02/16/pastor-dies-after-snake-he-was-handling-bit-him/5529907/

And from the “Not in Ken’s Ass Anymore” file, the state House of Representatives in Kansas has overwhelmingly approved Jim Crow Laws for gay people.  Proponents of the legislation seem to feel this is necessary to facilitate a smooth transition to humanhood for the queers, following their recent liberation from slavery in the state.  An existing gay resident can be grandfathered in for full humanhood right away, however he may be required to prove his grandfather was gay.  

Which sucks for straight Kansas grandfathers.  What a dilemma; “Hey grandpa, they’ll let me use hospitals and pharmacies, but only if you’ll go down the county registrars office and gobble some cock.”

Should the bill be signed into law, gay couples could legally be denied service absolutely anywhere, and if gays are permitted inside buildings at all, I’m certain they’ll be required to use the rear entrance, which is really just an exit for everyone else. (…)  I guess this must be the Christian response to the hordes of gay couples in the Bible Belt, who were ruining public parks for everyone else, with lewd displays of deep-throating water fountain spigots? …

Shit yeah, the “Spite a bigot, blow a spigot” campaign.  Of course, it’s worth noting that the leader of the state senate has already come out and said that there’s no way in hell they’re gonna pass this thing, but the fact that Kansas is trying to compete with Russia and Uganda when it comes to legislative gay-bashing is still newsworthy.

And just to be perfectly clear, this would allow a public hospital to refuse treatment, or a police officer to refuse policing, as long as the homophobes make their decision “based on a sincerely held religious belief”.  Lucky for anyone in Kansas with the sincerely held belief that hateful assholes should be brutally tortured for even suggesting this – they should soon be able to carry out their vigilante water-boarding spree of religious zealots with full impunity.  

Kansas gay segregation: http://www.ryot.org/kansas-tries-implement-anti-gay-segregation/571197 <<and>> http://www.kansascity.com/2014/02/13/4822324/senate-balks-at-kansas-religious.html

And from the “Keystone Caliphate” file tonight, a suicide bombing instructor in Iraq shook up this year’s Darwin Award standings last week during an accidental pop quiz.  While demonstrating how to kill oneself and a score of bystanders, Professor Aggressor the Lesser accidentally killed himself and a score of bystanders.

This does shake up the Darwin standings, but I’d say the bystanders are at the top of the list.  If there’s anyone dumber than a suicide bomber conducting a demonstration, it’s the people who showed up for the demonstration.  That’s the sort of meeting you might want to Skype in.

In addition to the instructor, twenty-one students were killed, 15 pupils were wounded, 8 militants were arrested and 1,548 virgins were very disappointed.  The instructor’s name was not released but Iraqi officials say he is a well-known terrorist recruiter who will forever be remembered for his poignant last words; “whatever you do, never do this.”

Instructor accidentally blows up a class full of suicide bombing students: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/11/world/middleeast/suicide-bomb-instructor-accidentally-kills-iraqi-pupils.html?_r=0

That’s why you never buy your bomb fuses at the Acme Store.  Moving on to “Sacred Cowboys” news: UConn’s new assistant football coach Ernest Jones has resigned, immediately following controversy surrounding his violation of the university policy that says you can’t preach about Jesus while you’re working.  Jones, as well as head coach Bob Diaco, were both hired from Notre Dame, which would be impressive 30 years ago.  In 2014, all it tells me is that Mantai Teo’s imaginary friend delusions make a lot more sense.    

In an “immaculate deception” sort of way…

Among other useless coaching methods, Jones told players that football wouldn’t exist without the Christian lord and savior, and that Jesus belongs in the huddle, even though that’s obviously a 5-yard penalty.  

Twelve disciples in the huddle, yeah.

So, in honor of the newly resigned (read about to be fired) Jones … Let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Failed Religious Sports Teams” … GO!!!

Notre Dame!

Well played!  But I was thinking more like … JC Milan … Re-Allah Madrid … Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark

If we’re allowing movies about failed religious sports teams, then my answer is Rudy.

Well played again!  But I mean like  … The Nashville Sexual Predators … The Dallas Plow Boys

Sounds like they play in “A Catholic League of Their Own” …

Ok I Iike the movie titles … Let’s roll with it … What about “Million Dollar Baby Jesus”?

Original Cinderella Man

Papal Bull Durham

Parting the Red Seabiscuit

Any Given Sunday School

Bang the Kids Slowly?

King of Kingpins

Judas Iscariots of Fire

Semi-Pro Life

Raging Bullshit

The Fast Boy Scout

Or Run Altarboy Run.  Either way, the priest ends up with Varsity Blue-Balls.

Bad New Prayers Don’t Work

Christian asshole resigns from assistant football coach position at UConn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/18/uconn-assistant-football-coach-who-said-jesus-christ-should-be-in-the-center-of-our-huddle-resigns

They don’t.  And I think that’s actually as good a point to close on as any we’ve made.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, Jay Novella from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe will be here to Skeptically Guide us through the Universe.

Outro:

Before we dismiss the royal guard tonight I wanted to make everybody aware of a very cool fundraiser that our friends at Secular (dot) FM are putting together.  They’re doing a 24 hour live broadcast to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief.  It’s running all day this Sunday, the 23rd, starting and ending at midnight.  Tanner Campbell, Mark Nebo and David Viviano are hosting the thing and they’ve got a list of guests that makes me drool: Dale McGowan, Seth Andrews, Shelley Segal, JT Eberhard, DJ Grothe, Jessica Ahlquist, Jerry DeWitt, Dave Muscato… and I’m seriously just scratching the surface.

I’d strongly encourage you to check it out; it should be a lot of fun and it’s for a good cause.  You’ll find links to more info on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/secularprogramming

I also wanted to apologize for the 2 Chronicles poem getting bumped again but we needed the time for the interview.  I promise it’ll be on next week’s show.

And, of course, I need to give Jay another big thanks for coming on the show.  Very awesome guy, super passionate about what he does and one of the real pioneers of podcasting so thrilled to have him on.  I also need to thank Heath for his indefatigable sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up tonight and I need to thank Matt from Chicago for his awesome Farnsworth quote (slash) Cafepress plug (slash) rape joke.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most prestigious paragons of personhood, Thomas, Tim, Brad, Tyler, Kenny, Shelby, Vinnie, Geoff, April, Leo, Wayne, Liam, Richard and Tom.  Thomas and Tim, whose reflexes and strength are so great they could be empowered by radioactive spiders and not notice; Brad and Tyler, whose levers are long enough for Archimedes if we could just find the fulcrum; Kenny and Shelby, the Wonder Twins of atheism, except that neither of them has a power that sucks compared to the other one; Vinnie and Geoff, who are hot enough to melt vanadium; April and Leo, who are so awesome they named a month and a sign of the zodiac after them; Wayne and Liam, whose attractiveness holds the key to zero point energy; and Richard and Tom, who have to turn away more pussy than a Friskies audition.

These fourteen upright, upstanding, uproarious, uplifting individuals have proved their up-ness this week by giving us money.  Only the most atheistic of all atheists have the atheism it takes to give us money, but if you think you disbelieve in god enough, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, size matters.  Help us grow our social media presence by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, subscribing to us on YouTube and circling us or whatever on that Google one.  And rate us on iTunes and favorite us on Stitcher and subscribe to our blog and Jesus I’m needy.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.