Archive
Episode 69 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the episode due to time constraints)
Warning: This podcast contains obscene gestures.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new faith based tire sealant Cruci-fix-a-flat. Every twelve ounce can comes complete with no ingredients, because if god wanted you to get to work, he wouldn’t have put that nail in the road. Now get on your knees and thank him for not giving your children boils.
Cruci-fix-a-flat, because who needs a spare, when you’ve got a prayer?
And now, the Scathing Atheist
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s June 12th,
And this big soccer thing is already getting in the way of NFL training camp coverage.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from modern day Gomorrah, New York, New York,
And almost as modern as Gomorrah, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
- The FFRF will make Iowa sit in the corner and stare at the wall for the rest of the period,
- Catholics will buttfuck kids and lie about it… again…
- And India still refuses to get down with the Sikhness.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
I saw one of the most epic beat downs in the history of theological debate last week and you may have seen it, too. If not, I’ll have a link for it on the shownotes and even though it’s long as fuck and your blood will boil every time the Christian sperm flake opens his mouth, it’s totally worth the two hours.
The title of the debate was “Is it reasonable to believe in god?”. Arguing in the negative was Matt Dillahunty of Atheist Experience fame. Arguing in the “La-la-la, I can’t hear you” was presuppositionalist testicle laceration Sye Ten Bruggencate. And his position was even more ridiculous than his name.
So after watching Bruce Lee fight the ensign in the red shirt for an hour and a half they do a Q&A in this overwhelmingly atheist audience. And the whole reason I bring this up is that one person sets up his question by asking, “Do you agree that democracy is the best system in a civilized society?” and Bizarro world Gandolfini shakes his head; “The best form of government is a theocracy”, and then he adds, of course, “A Christian theocracy.”
The whole audience gasped, but I doubt any of them were shocked that he believed that. I think they were just surprised he admitted it. Sure. I think democracy is the second best form of government behind a complete dictatorial monarchy that I’m in charge of. But I recognize that the latter isn’t practical so I settle for democracy.
And make no mistake, that exactly what the theocrats are proposing. When Sye Bruggencate says he thinks “God” should be in charge of our government, he’s obviously talking about his interpretation of his religion’s god, who conveniently feels exactly the same way that Sye Bruggencate does on every issue. We’re not electing Jimmy Stewart, we’re electing Harvey. We just need Jimmy Stewart to tell us what the invisible rabbit says.
Now, most Christians wouldn’t have been so honest, but you’re lying to yourself if you think they don’t agree. They love separation of church and state when it keeps them from having to pay taxes or provide comprehensive health care, but that’s where their love ends. They may pay lip service to it and if they’re part of a minority religion they might really believe in it, but when it comes down to it, they all want to put their god in charge of your country.
Everywhere you look in America, the Christians are fighting for their theocracy, and not just in honest ways. Can’t win the abortion issue through the courts or the ballot boxes? Well then just buy up all the hospitals and cut out the service. In the meantime, bullying, harassment and open calls for violence should suffice.
Your ideas don’t hold up to in academic fields? Well then just sneak them into classrooms every chance you get. And between now and then, just make your own schools and museums and seminars and colleges and peer-reviewed journals.
Can’t win in the court of public opinion? Well just make your own TV channels, radio stations, magazines, books and amusement parks and hide the real world from your children. With a little luck, you can just outbreed those socially responsible secularists one litter at a time.
You and I can disagree… hell, we probably do disagree on a lot of shit. But we can have a conversation about it and work out our differences and compromise. Hell, we can even change our minds. But if the person you’re debating thinks they’re a proxy for god then there’s no room for accommodation. Their opinion is infallible.
You can see this same MO in any number of issues… contraception, gay rights, science education, stem cell research, gender equality… doesn’t matter what the rest of the country has to say about it. Or the rest of the world. How could they possibly be swayed by the opinion of people who disagree with god? It doesn’t matter if it’s a small majority like it is with gay marriage or an overwhelming majority like we have with contraception. They will stand against demonstrable science, archaeological evidence and the laws of logic themselves! So why would we ever think something as insignificant as the majority will slow them down?
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is Turing Test Champion Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to mimic genuine human speech?
That’s very an interesting point. Perhaps I should, too.
Well, by the Facebook standard, I guess you nailed it.
Like Pontius Pilate … In our lead story tonight, House Majority Leader and “Worst Jew Ever” Eric Cantor was defeated in the Republican primary for Virginia’s 7th district by Tea Party prospect Dave Brat. This is extremely embarrassing for a few reasons: 1) Dave Brat is fucking awful … 2) It’s the first time a House Majority Leader has lost a party primary since the position was created in 1899 … And 3) The GOP just lost it’s “Token Congressional Jew”, so they’ll need to grow another one in the stem cell lab they just shut down. Awkward conversation …
Yeah, but if he rises again three days later, he gets his own religion. As far as consolation prizes go, that’s pretty solid.
Normally I’d be all about a conservative asshole like Cantor getting ousted in humiliation. But he lost because he wasn’t enough of a conservative asshole for Virginia 7. That’s right! … Eric Cantor – who supports legislative control of Fallopian tubes but not assault rifles – was too liberal for them. And “liberal” in this case, is Virginian for “killed Jesus”.
Of course, the main issue Brat exploited was Cantor’s inability to sufficiently hate Mexicans, but the Messiah-cide certainly didn’t help. He also took hits for raising the debt ceiling and eventually agreeing to end the government shut down, and that really played into Brat’s “Thunderdome 2014” platform.
Right … So Dave Brat – unlike Cantor – “unflinchingly” supports the Republican Creed, which includes the belief that: (quote) “Faith in God, as recognized by our Founding Fathers[,] is essential to the moral fiber of the Nation.” (end quote) …
And the last thing we need is moral constipation.
Not sure why it would matter what 18th century slave owners with wooden teeth thought, but just for the record, our founding fathers were secularists. Actually, that was the whole point. So faith in god as they recognized it, was – at best – something personal, that you shut the fuck up about when dealing with real-life things like organizing a society.
Eric Cantor not Republican enough: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/10/dave-brat-who-just-unseated-house-majority-leader-eric-cantor-believes-faith-in-god-is-essential-for-morality
And in this week’s installment of ridiculous bullshit excuses for Catholic child-fucking, we have Archbishop Robert J. Carlson, who claims there’s too much gray area about when you can and can’t legally stick your dick in a kid’s ass. <Yeah, it’s fuzzy…> Not at the age Catholic priests like them, but yeah, eventually they’re fuzzy. Now you’ll recall that last week we had the story of a lawyer arguing on behalf of the New Jersey diocese that priests are definitionally off the clock whilst diddling children. In a blatant display of one upmanship, Archbishop Carlson said during a deposition last week that he was unaware that there was a law against child-rape.
So as we often must qualify … This actually happened. Carlson was asked if he knew that pedophilia was illegal in the 70’s, and he responded: (quote) “I’m not sure whether I knew it was a crime or not. I understand today it’s a crime.” (end quote) … Then he was asked when he picked up this important nugget of wisdom, and he couldn’t recall … “They send out so many memos. We’re raping kids. Now we’re not. Now we’re catching, but not pitching. Now mouth stuff only. It’s impossible to keep track.”
Yeah, well the Memento guy of pedophelia probably questioned his lawyers advice on this one, to which his lawyer says, “Either you get some damn broad amnesia or you admit publicly that you knowingly allowed one of your priests to sexually torture children without exhibiting the slightest pang of humanity. So at that point sociopathic perjurer is actually the better option from a PR perspective.”
Archbishop not sure whether child-rape was a crime: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/10/catholic-archbishop-tells-lawyer-he-wasnt-sure-whether-raping-a-child-was-a-crime-back-in-the-1970s/
“Law?!? Child rape?!? Against?!? These are just meaningless mouth noises.” … Moving on … In “What if everyone carried a sword?” news, the Sikh relgion did the exact opposite of dispelling stereotypes, when an actual large-scale sword fight broke out during what appears from photographs to be a brightly-colored scarf-hat convention, at the Golden Temple in Amrisar, India.
But yeah, they should totally be allowed to carry those fuckers onto public transit. Because I’m sure Sikhs are way more respectful on buses than they are in the holiest shrine in their entire fucking religion.
From what I gather, the mustard yellow guys wanted to give their speech to the crowd first, but cornflower blue wasn’t having it. <No they weren’t> And since they were right there, on the set of Aladdin, with a staircase, a barrel, and an apple cart ready to go, they settled the dispute with a blatantly choreographed stage fighting sequence. Mustard yellow finally won after doing a backflip and yelling: “Haha!!! I’m not left handed either!!!”
Yeah, as cool as a group of elderly zealots swinging scimitars at each other sounds, this was the worst swordfight since the second Legend of Zelda.
So they were actually gathered to honor key martyrs for their now-booming religion, on the 30th anniversary of Operation Blue Star – a 1984 raid by Indian troops that killed over 400 Sikhs who were suspected armed separatists. They were at least armed, because part of the Sikh uniform for dudes, is one of those enormous curved bad guy swords.
But it makes you wonder if there’s some infinite regress of dead Sikhs going on here. You know, they make a holiday to mark this battle too, and then a swordfight breaks out at that one, so they make another holiday to mark that battle and so on… there’s gotta be a more efficient ways of ridding the world of Sikhism.
I’m sure we can think of something. In fact, 30 seconds on the…
Sorry, bro, there’s a line. No 30 seconds’ bits for genocide strategies.
You’re such a tease!
Swordfight breaks out in Sikh temple during ceremony: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jun/06/sikhs-clash-golden-temple-amritsar-india
And in “Iowa don’t owe-a you nothing” news tonight, the state of Iowa’s “Vision Iowa” program has seen the light and decided not to invest $140,000 of taxpayer money in the construction of a Christian themed park in Sioux City. “Shepherd’s Gardens” boasts $5000 worth of crosses, five designated “prayer spaces” and a website that loads up like AOL dialup.
What the fuck is a prayer space?!? When you’re talking to God, do the acoustics really matter?!?
Upon hearing of the state’s intent to partially fund a park intended to (and I quote) “[Counteract the] rise of secular influence in our culture”, the secular influence in our culture told them to fuck off. Specifically, the FFRF sent a letter explaining that this was (quote) “…one of the most egregious grants for a religious purpose FFRF has encountered” (end quote).
Yeah this seemed like a secret shopper testing the FFRF guy who’s in charge of Iowa … “We’d like to impose a tax on being Jewish, Muslim, and atheist to account for the terrible weather and school shootings they cause. And we want them to buy us a park. And a shrubbery.” No. We’re not doing that.
After first proposing that the state pay only for the non-Christian aspects of the entirely Christian park, a solution on par with pointing out that six out of seven orifices weren’t raped, legal counsel for the state and part time toilet paper tensile integrity guardian Timothy J. Whipple informed the FFRF that the board ultimately rescinded the grant.
Iowa capitulates on planned $140,000 grant for Christian themed park: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/07/christian-themed-park-will-no-longer-be-getting-a-140000-boost-from-iowan-taxpayers/
And in “Goldman Sacks Entire SEC” news, the financial watchdog agency that monitors the Vatican … is employed by the Vatican!!! And it seems Pope Fransparency felt the meaningless group of Italian people he hireld to ignore Nazi gold transactions, should be fired and replaced by an equally meaningless group of international people … that will ignore Nazi gold transactions.
The WWE referees of financial watchdogs. But as inept as these guy are at detecting fraud, I’ll do them the credit of saying that even they would have called that fucking goalie interference in game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals. I mean… are you fucking kidding me!? He was butt-raping Lundqvist mid shot! For fuck’s sake…
So the Vatican has been blatantly and egregiously violating international anti-money-laundering standards for centuries. People just now realized this apparently, so to alleviate all the concern, Catholicism hired it’s own watchdog in 2010. Not surprisingly, this accomplished nothing. So in 2012, they put Swiss anti-money-laundering expert Rene Bruelhart in charge. Surprise twist … Turns out anti-money laundering experts are almost always also pro-money-laundering experts. And when the board members complained about being kept in the dark by the new transparency guru … they got fired.
In Pope Frandelay Industry’s defense, though, he’s already seen that the international media doesn’t see any difference between empaneling people to do something and doing something, and doing something is hard.
Pope Francis fires entire financial watchdog panel: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/05/pope-francis-bank-watchdog-board_n_5451637.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “The only people who talk about ducks more than my autocorrect” news tonight, Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson has announced the imminent publication of a new bible that will focus on the core values of faith, family, fellowship and fag-hating. In addition to the regular bible, this version will include more than one hundred articles written by a man who thinks “Whoo hee hee” is a word and that the term “A real man” can precede the word “don’t”.
Do you wish poor people would just die already, but found that Atlas Shrugged was way too many pages??? Do you hate gay people, but couldn’t even get to Leviticus??? Then you’ll definitely be able to struggle through our new book … “I’m Borderline Illiterate, but God is my Ghost Writer” – by Phil Robertson
Publisher “Thomas Nelson Bible Group” is excited about the new project, pointing out that Wal-Mart just can’t keep the Duck Dynasty merch in stock. Vice President and Associate Publisher Robert Stanford told reporters, (quote) “We are honored and excited to be working with Phil and his son on this new Bible. Our demographic research shows that as long as the cover art contains these filthy rednecks and a cross, the rest can be Ipsum Lorem… it’s not like these fuckers can read.”
People who bought this book also bought “Mass Opiates for Dummies”, “Learn to Read”, and unreasonably large firearms … And a book by that same title.
Now, in case Robertson is listening, I think we should toss out some ideas for him, so 30 Seconds on the clock; proposed changes for the redneck bible. Go!
Like a more clear cut stance on homosexuality?
That would be a good start, but I was thinking about stuff like Jesus turning the water into Old Milwaukee.
The Book of John Deere
The lying down with beasts thing is more of a guideline than a rule.
As long as it’s a girl sheep …
I’m picturing The Last Supper at Cracker Barrel … And Jesus has the power mullet.
Say what you will about Cracker Barrel, but their gravy-fried gravy is awesome. Okay, so… Instead of Damascus, Paul was on the way to Dollywood.
When Jacob wrastles God, he wins by using a folding chair when the ref’s not looking.
They only have six commandments because they needed room in the ark for a couple beers and some bait.
For the Appalachian folk, God breathes life into the mouths, not the noses. They never learn the nose version, but now they know why.
Three words: Bandana of thorns
Twist ending: Jesus was dead the whole time. So was his dad. And the guy from Die Hard.
And of course, in this one Lot’s daughters don’t have to trick him.
Duck Dynasty stars to release their own redneck bible: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/05/duck-dynasty-bible_n_5452828.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
Jesus of NASCAReth … Awful!!! Who writes this fucking stuff?!? Puns aren’t funny!!! … And finally tonight, in a follow up to a story from last week, from the “Have your Cock, and your KKKake and Eat it Too” file, Richard Land – of the Southern Evangelical Seminary – has come to the defense of the homophobic Colorado bakery owner Jack Phillips, who refused to make a drag bundt cake for a gay wedding.
It’s about time somebody spoke up on behalf of the straights. And to be honest, I’ve been wondering where the Southern Evangelical Seminary falls on the “rights of gays to eat cakes” issue.
Well to help everyone understand his position, Land decided his thoughts would be best expressed with a hate group analogy … Because people get those. He claimed that laws against bigotry are unfair because they wouldn’t allow black bakery owners to refuse KKK pastry requests. Not sure if there’s any particular DNA sequences for hating blacks and Jews, but regardless, being gay … and Klanning … are at least slightly different.
They’re just two different ways of getting the sheets dirty if you ask me. Seriously. They both have parades, they both ride steeds, they both appreciate a well hung black man…
Earlier this year, Dick Land also dropped this science brilliant bomb: (quote) “A high percentage of adult male homosexuals in America were sexually molested when they were children […] Anybody who’s a counselor […] will tell you that.” (end quote) … So if kids would just avoid getting molested, and spend more time in church where that can’t happen … they wouldn’t keep catching the GAIDS, and we wouldn’t even have this cake problem.
Pastor: “Forcing a Christian to bake cake for gays is like forcing blacks to join the KKK”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/05/pastor-gay-wedding-cake-kkk_n_5453277.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion
Well I guess that’s as close to an AIDS joke as we’re gonna get tonight, so we’ll close the headlines there. Heath, thanks as always.
Why is it so hard to cure AIDS?
Guess I begged for that. I don’t know, why is it so hard to cure AIDS?
It’s hard to get the mice to butt-fuck.
And when we come back you’ll pretend you didn’t miss us, but we’ll know you did.
Calendar:
It’s time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show; this is the sporadic few minutes we set aside every 4 to 10 episodes or so to bring you up to speed on all the great secular, atheist and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.
We’ll just assume it’s too late to talk you into hitting up a June conference and start off this week in Minneapolis on July 4th weekend, where SkepchickCon will be taking place within the larger umbrella of ConVergence. Debbie Goddard, Surly Amy, Rebecca Watson and PZ Myers to name a few and what the fuck else would you be doing in Minneapolis?
The following weekend we have an even cooler con in a much cooler place. The Amazing Meeting is the biggest annual skeptical conference in the country, they’re in their sixteenth year and it gets better every time. This year’s speakers include Daniel Dennett, Steven Novella, Julia Galef, Richard Wiseman, Eugenie Scott and if you haven’t been keeping up, they’ve recently added Bill Nye to the guest list. So yeah. Beg, borrow, steal, hitchhike, whatever.
http://www.amazingmeeting.com/
For our listeners in Brisbane, you’ve got a Skepticamp event coming up next month with friend of the show Jake Farr-Wharton from the Imaginary Friends show, Ross from Skeptically challenged and a host of other people I’ve never heard of that will probably still be awesome. That’s coming up on the 19th of July.
The Atheist Alliance of America will be holding their annual convention in Seattle this year. That’s August 7th through the 10th and includes Sean Faircloth, Steven Pinker, Richard Carrier and more. I heard great things about their con last year and look forward to hearing great things about this one in the near future.
http://www.aaaseattle2014.com/speakers.html
As always, you can find more information about any of these events on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And if you’re involved with an event that needs a little PR, I’m happy to plug it. You’ll find the contact info on that very same website I was just telling you about.
Poem – Proverbs
There’s a pamphlet’s worth of wisdom buried deep within the Bible.
Between condemning all this random shit and killing Jewish rivals,
Between the stoning and the genocide, and the fifty-shekel price,
One pays for raping women, there’s a bit of good advice.
Though the majority of what’s in this lengthy book is quite unsavory,
Like the sexist, racist, homophobic stuff and nods to slavery.
There’s a begrudging bit of decent stuff speckled here and there,
But it’s as hard to find as black people in films by Peter Weir.
So I forgive you if you give up in a state of disenchantment,
When they miss a moral statement with two thirds of their commandments.
But I assure you if you read enough, and keep an open mind,
You’ll be surprised by bits of noble stuff you’ll occasionally find.
Take Proverbs, for example; with it’s nine hundred fifteen lines,
Most of which are useless shit, that you could see if you were blind.
A couple more are awful, and some are quite misleading,
But the twelve or so left over are certainly worth reading.
Like Proverbs Fifteen One, for instance, which reminds us to ask nicely,
And despite the verbose shit so far, it says this one concisely.
Or Twenty Seven; Two, in which it tells you not to gloat…
Which makes you wonder if god ever even read the book he wrote.
In chapter fourteen it explains that to believe on faith makes you a fool
And at the end of twenty four it all but states the golden rule.
Or chapter thirty one, which says to drown your grief in wine
Or the nineteenth verse of chapter five which says that titty fucking’s fine.
It’s relative, of course, as this books filled with vile spite,
But after Joshua, Mein Kampf is only kind of impolite.
But compared to all the books that don’t approve of genocide,
Proverbs is a sorry choice for someone’s moral guide.
Take for instance chapter one, verses twenty six through twenty eight;
Which reminds us that the lord will mock your broken-hearted fate.
In two and five, six, seven, nine and twenty one through thirty;
We learn you can’t trust women, as they’re odious and dirty.
Those filthy floozy harlot sluts, maliciously malign;
So make sure to choose a modest girl for your two-hundredth concubine.
Owning slaves is fine as long as you, abuse them all to hell.
Just treat them like your kids whom you, I guess should beat as well.
Yes, even in this relatively good part of the book,
I’d forgive someone for thinking that the translator mistook
The Hebrew for pinata for the english word for child.
So even when it’s better, the Bible’s still to be reviled.
Outro:
Before we slip into our PJs tonight, we’ve got a big announcement to make. After only twelve weeks, we’ve reached our Patreon goal of five hundred dollars per episode which means that starting next week, this show is going to be an hour long.
Now, we recognize that that’s gonna take a lot more work and we don’t want to risk lowering the overall quality of the show, so if we find that we can’t record an hours worth of podcast for you every week without sacrificing the level of quality you’ve come to expect from us, we’ll rethink this thing and find another way to fulfill our obligation to our patrons. So over the next four weeks, bear with us as we make the transition and by all means, drop us a line and let us know what you think of the changes.
I also want to let everyone know that just because we reached that goal, it doesn’t mean you have to stop donating to us on Patreon. We’ve set up a new goal that will allow us to significantly improve the quality of the show and churn out a lot more content for you. If we can reach $850 an episode on Patreon, Heath has agreed to quit his job and join me in my sub-Bible-Beltian exile. So if you haven’t already signed up for a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com, please do exactly that and help reunite Heath and me.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. If you can’t wait that long, you can always find little nuggets of Scatheism on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page… and I might as well say that there’s stuff on our Google Plus page too since nobody will ever know that there isn’t.
Can’t close things out without thanking Heath for begrudgingly succumbing to my relentless pressure to double the length of the show. I need to thank Lucinda for all the work she’s gone through to get back to fucking strength, of course I need to thank Pastor Roy of the Catfish Creek Trailer Park for begrudgingly providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. He’s a regular guest on the Atheists On Air podcast which is absolutely phenomenal if you haven’t checked it out. You’ll find it linked on the shownotes for this episode, of course.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most crucial chordates; Aaron, Bryce, Chad, Mike, Jason, Erik, Sakura, Jen, The Just, Kim, Crystal, Paul, Alex, Sonja, Jerry, Anne, Pascal, Henk, Raymond, Dan, other Mike, John, Kevin and Frank. Aaron, Bryce, Chad, Mike, Jason and Erik, whose tongues are ribbed for her pleasure; Sakura, Jen, The Just, Kim, Crystal and Paul, who have enough gravitas to bend light; Alex, Sonja, Jerry, Anne, Pascal and Henk, whose IQs have parentheses and greek letters in them; and Raymond, Dan, other Mike, John, Kevin and Frank, who have to schedule their erections with air traffic controllers.
These twenty-two selfless, soulless, sinless specimens of secularity have earned their way into my heart, my outro and my zombie bunker if that ever becomes necessary this week by giving us money. If you too would like to earn my love, my outrageous flattery and your share of those freeze dried legumes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you can make a per episode donation and that website, again, is Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll also find linked on our website.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 67 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.
LINK TO SUPPORT US ON PATREON AND GET BONUS SHIT
Warning: The book of Proverbs says you shouldn’t listen to people of my gender… but fuck that book.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Prostate Farm: Anal Virginity Single Prayer Health Insurance: Where you can bet your ass that we’ll pay your claim. Are you worried about the rectal risk of sending your children to church but still insist on sending them to church anyway? Are you afraid they might turn the other cheek the wrong way?
Well then let Prostate Farm cover your ass.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s May 29th,
And whole milk is still better.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
And I’m Heath Enwright. And from the city nicknamed after the fruit that brought you gravity; New York, New York,
And the state nicknamed after the one that looks like an ass, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
- Redneck preachers getting bit by poisonous snakes will get so common we don’t even bother to cover it in the headlines,
- God will punish me for that time I had an abortion,
- And Lucinda will join us to discuss Proverbs in this week’s Pope-rah’s Book Club
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
I’ve got an analogy for you. Imagine you’ve got an aunt named Millie. And you were close to her when you were a kid, but in the last decade you only ran into her once at a wedding or something. And now imagine that Aunt Millie dies.
But your cousin Bob, who’s Millie’s only child, decides that he doesn’t want you to go through all the grief of losing your beloved aunt so he doesn’t tell you she died… ever. In fact, he goes out of his way to mislead you. He makes excuses for why she never shows up at family reunions, he tells you she doesn’t answer her phone any more because she’s convinced it’ll give her cancer, he sends you Christmas cards with her signature forged onto them. All in an effort to keep you from grieving.
So the question is; is Bob doing you a favor?
Now before you answer, let me add another layer to it. Imagine after a while the charade gets so wacky that you’re on the phone with Bob and you’re saying, “Wait a minute… she went back to pan more gold in Brazil even after the ocelot attack?” and it suddenly occurs to you that Bob might be full of shit. So you start having doubts and you ask him point blank; “Is Aunt Millie dead?”. But even then, he keeps lying to you. Doesn’t matter how elaborate of half-ass his answers get, he keeps up the act.
So I’ll ask you again, is Bob doing you a favor?
And I’ll also interrupt you again before you have a chance to answer, because to be thorough, I need to add one more layer to the analogy. Bob has to get something out of this for himself. So now imagine that up until now, every year you’ve sent Aunt Millie a really nice present on her birthday and on Christmas; and Bob’s been selling the gifts on Ebay and pocketing the money. He justifies it by telling himself that he works really hard to keep you from grieving and it’s a small price to ask for all his effort.
Now, I don’t need to ask you again because even before I started adding all the layers to it, you already knew that Bob was being an asshole… a well meaning asshole, maybe, but an asshole nonetheless. It’s not for him to decide if you can handle Aunt Millie’s death. He’s robbed you of your ability to grieve for her. What’s worse, he’s taken away the quintessential reminder of the impermanence of the people we love. What if knowing about Aunt Millie’s death would have driven you closer to Uncle Paul and Aunt Gretchen? What if you’d have otherwise been inspired to start a charity in her name, or take care of her favorite dog… or live in the comfort of knowing she’ll never break into your house again and molest your ferret. Whatever. Doesn’t matter.
Look, if we want to spread atheism we need to confront the issue of death. Not only do we need to confront it; we need to embrace it. We need to fall in love with mortality and sell it.
Of course, if you have no interest in spreading atheism, feel free to disregard everything I’m saying. You’re under no obligation to devangelize. But if that’s your goal, you need to find ways to help people put away their immortal security blanket. Because when we say, “Your religion is stupid”, what they hear is, “that hope that you’ll see your favorite dog and your grandma and the son you lost to leukemia is stupid.”
Now, I don’t think that means we should say their religion is stupid, because the idea that you’re gonna see your dog and your grandma and your kid is stupid, but we need to understand why so many people are so scared to agree. One way we can do this is by pointing out that religion doesn’t actually help you grieve, but the other is to help people understand that mortality is a good thing. It’s the greatest motivating factor on the planet. It’s the only reason we sometimes have to forgive and to reconcile.
Obviously we can’t offer them eternal life in paradise with virgins and mansions and shit because we’re limited to the truth. But it’s like Sam Harris says; when you learned that [spoiler alert] Santa Claus wasn’t real the truth that replaced it was nowhere near as fun, but at least there was a truth to replace it. We can’t afford to avoid this topic.
Think about all the people that you love, that you plan on outliving. And next time you say goodbye to them, remind yourself that this could be the last time. And next time you say hello to them, treat them like they just returned from the dead. That’s something you can only do if you let go of the afterlife; when we keep mortality in the front of our minds instead of burying it behind religions and superstitions and pithy bravado. Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we all just admitted that we’re all going to die.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is stickler with a smart phone, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to share your latest fact-bomb victory?
You must be referring to how I “Snopes-ed” the shit out of some guy at the bar the other day. He was trying to impress this woman talking about being a scientist. He used the general term “scientist”. Already suspect.
He’s a “Just Scientist?” Really? “Oh, I study sciencography… you know, the science of… things and stuff”
And, he bothered me earlier by ordering a drink using well above the 10-syllable max for dudes. And then he mentioned he was a devout Christian, and loved how science coincides with the Bible.
You know, those rabbits and their cud
So I absolutely couldn’t let him go, when he started talking about “glass actually being a liquid, which they discovered by looking at the window panes at cathedrals, that were thicker on the bottom.” No – it’s a solid. it’s technically an “amorphous solid”, but you didn’t even know that, so it doesn’t count. But it has a melting point, so it’s clearly not a liquid!!!
But as if he wasn’t already wrong enough, the whole thing about the cathedral windows being thicker at the bottom is bullshit anyway. So even if we grant him the bullshit on both sides of his bullshit equation, it’s still bullshit.
In our lead story tonight, from the “Shady Antebellum” file: Reginald Wayne Miller – president and founder of the totally-real-sounding Cathedral Bible College in South Carolina – was placed under house arrest, after receiving charges of felony-level ‘slavery and exploitation’.
I guess at a certain point you’ve really gotta do some crazy shit to stand out. Reggie’s sitting around thinking, “fucking kids has been done to death… the Vatican has money laundering, the Pentecostals have snake felatio, the Muslims have throwing acid on innocent women… What about slavery? Is anybody else doing slavery?”
Wow really??? Baby slavery’s taken?!? What about regular slavery? Yeah- Shotgun!!! Whip!!! … So Miller’s legal defense team plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify the slavery and exploitation. The prosecution – on the other hand – plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify slavery and exploitation … So those clearly don’t count, right?!?
And here’s the most fucked up thing… if the allegations are true (and he’s white so they probably are) there wasn’t even an actual college. He sets up this faux school for the express purpose of bringing exchange students over, putting them to work for between a buck fifteen an hour and nothing an hour, and revoked the student visas of the kids that complained. And I only point this out because biblical apologists like seem to think there’s good slavery and bad slavery so you have to be specific about what kind of slavery you’re dealing with. In this case; bad.
Now to the untrained South Carolina eye, Miller was simply running a legitimate indentured servitude Christian agri-business. However, his 2006 charge of exposing himself to an undercover agent at a bath house doesn’t help bolster his “At least it wasn’t sexual slavery” defense. “Human trafficking sex plantation?!? Who’s talking about HTSP’s?!? You brought that up!!! You guys knew that acronym.”
South Carolina Bible College president placed under detention for slavery and exploitation: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/25/south-carolina-bible-college-president-is-placed-under-detention-for-slavery-and-exploitation
And in “I’ll Render Unto Whoever I Want” news tonight, a federal judge in Kentucky has ordered the secular nonprofit American Atheists to go fuck themselves this week by dismissing a lawsuit that sought to hold the IRS accountable for its prejudicial policies regarding churches. This is not a “tax the churches” suit; though I’d be behind it every bit as much if it was. Rather, this suit challenges the preferential treatment and lack of transparency that the IRS exclusively affords to religious nonprofits.
Oh, right … The single most important political issue on the atheist platform!!! The hole we could plug, and save billions in stolen tax revenue every year!!! Are the employees of God really claiming they won’t take a pay cut? Are they supposed to get paid?!?
As is often the case in lawsuits like this, the question is one of standing: Is American Atheist harmed by this policy? U.S. District Judge William O. Bertelsman says no, and in a remarkable display of cognitive dissonance he justifies it by pointing out that American Atheist might be able to gain classification as a religious organization. <<So?>> Right! That’s like dismissing a racial discrimination suit on the basis of the plaintiff being pretty light skinned for a black dude.
“Dude just lie about your heritage, and learn to (talk like this) … You’ll be fine. Case dismissed.”
Further demonstrating their impressive “getting it” deficit; lawyers for the IRS pointed out that it couldn’t be a discriminatory policy because it was available to all people who are religious, regardless of their preferred space-dessert.
Federal judge dismisses atheist suit against IRS: http://www.kentucky.com/2014/05/23/3255571/judge-dismisses-atheists-challenge.html
And in “The asshole doesn’t fall far from the tree” news, Senator Ted Cruz’s father, pastor Rafael Cruz – in his expert capacity as the sphincter tree in that analogy – was a featured Tea Note Speaker at a conservative political conference held by a certain society … I don’t believe I have to mention it’s name … I will anyway … It’s the “Family Research KKKouncil”.
Okay, so the dude who spawned self-identified “proud wacko bird” Ted “The UN is coming for the golf courses” Cruz, speaking to a group of bigots on behalf of a hate group? I bet he said something poignant. Was it poignant?
I do not think that word means … what you think it means. Here’s Cruz the Elder’s inconceivably poignant thesis: Ever since we stopped forcing Christianity on public school students, it’s led to nothing but moral decay and teen pregnancy. No question 1963 was a tough year for many white Christians in the South. Bible study was out the door at public schools, and black people were in the door … Maybe not the same door, but baby steps.
Who knows… in another hundred years, maybe they’ll even desegregate the churches.
Now the ensuing decade of moral decay must have been great … And I don’t doubt the teen pregnancy numbers were high … But the teen parent numbers must have levelled off after Roe v. Wade, just nine years later … So it’s all good. We did that for you!!! Irresponsible pregnant teens can get abortions now. You’re welcome!!!
Yeah, there should really be a rule that you’re not allowed to be against both the problem and the solution.
Ted Cruz’s dad is also a dumbfuck: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/24/ted-cruzs-father-blames-the-end-of-public-school-bible-readings-for-increased-teen-pregnancy-and-moral-decay
And from the “Right Wing Hobby-Lobbyist” file, we’ve got a quick follow up to a news item we covered in episode 62 of this fine program. As you may or may not recall, Hobby Lobby president Steve Green is peddling a bible curriculum for public schools which, despite being a bible curriculum for public schools has been adopted by the school district closest to his company’s headquarters. They claim it’s a “bible as literature” course, and therefore legal, but those possessing cognition doubted that assertion.
I wouldn’t say the “as literature” part is the problem, although that’s ridiculous too, because it’s terrible literature. But does it really matter if it’s “Bible as Literature”, or “Bible as a Treasure Map”, or “Bible as a Way to Win Friends and Influence People”???
Well, look, maybe we should learn about the Bible in school… it’s important to our history, our literature, our culture… but among the extensive but far from exhaustive list of church/state violations the FFRF discovered in the textbook were things like chapter headings like “How do we know that the Bible’s historical narratives are reliable?”, claims that the bible created feminism, the inclusion of Christian apologetics around the nastier bits, the complete lack of recognition of non-Protestant Christianity, and a fundie-friendly rewriting of America’s founding.
Leading the Jehovah’s Witness a little bit there … “How do we know the Jews stopped beating their wives, only a few short centuries after they created feminism?”
Now, if you’re one of our many listeners that studies Oklahoma state regulations in their spare time, you may be wondering how the hell this curriculum is only now coming to light, despite the fact that it has already been adopted by a school board. After all, by state law, all school board meetings must be open to the public. Well, as it turns out, it only counts as a meeting if more than 50% of the school board is present, so on the advice of the morally upstanding Steve Green, they just split them into two groups when they discussed it. Because as any orthodox Jew will tell you, god loves him some loopholes.
Follow up on Hobby Lobby Bible curriculum: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/21/more-problems-with-the-hobby-lobby-public-school-bible-curriculum-as-ffrf-exposes-district-emails/
And in “Bible Belt Turniquet” news, after three recent heroin smuggling incidents at Daviess County Jail in Owensboro, Kentucky, Sheriff Keith Cain and Jailer David Osborne – not wanting to get their hands (and lower arms) dirty being thorough – opted instead for wishing the drug away really hard. But this time, the wishing took place in a church … and this is a new strategy … so we’ll see what happens.
See, this is where Baptists just fails. When you’ve got a problem with people hiding things in their ass, what you really need is a Catholic.
So ‘Prayer’ loses to everything in “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Prayer” … But even if these guys were doing this on their own time without technically wasting taxpayer money (and that’s not really true) … They certainly are selling Christianity pretty hard at their “Church and State Pen”, to a very captive audience. And you probably don’t wanna give Bibles to convicts too much.
Yeah, cause they’ll hide their rock hammer in it.
500 yards of bullshit doesn’t compare though … I’m reading it now, and the morality in the Old Testament so far is fucked up!!! If anything, we should be forcing a peaceful religion on inmates, like what’s the opposite of Judaism? … Islam.
Christians solve heroin problem with prayer: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/26/these-kentucky-officials-think-they-can-pray-the-heroin-away/
And in “Didn’t he used to run England?” news tonight, former celebrity Toni Braxton has scribbled a new autobiography, in which she explains that her son’s autism is almost certainly a punishment from god for having an abortion. Strangely, she didn’t comment on what god was punishing her son for by giving him a mother that’s such a horrible bitch that she would publicly describe her child as retribution.
The dude you’re thinking of … who used to be King of England … Pretty sure that’s Margaret Thatcher.
I know it’s hard to believe that something so stupid could come from the inimitable wordsmith that penned such brilliant lyrics as “Oh baby, oh baby, I can hardly wait to see your face; Oh baby, oh baby, heartbreak is gonna be the case,” but she goes on to explain that her parent’s divorce and her own lupus diagnosis were also divine vengeance.
Divorce and lupus?!? Really?!? Do you hear that? It’s the world’s shittiest violin, playing shitty, sad Toni Braxton music for shitty, sad Toni Braxton. Birth a child that isn’t too logical to love you, and we’ll talk. Oh, you can’t???
Braxton walked back the comments amid a firestorm of criticism, saying, (quote) “When my youngest son was diagnosed with autism I feared that I was being punished for my earlier actions. I have since realized what a calloused scut that makes me look like,” (end quote)
Toni Braxton: My Autistic kid is punishment from god for having an abortion: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/24/toni-braxton-autism-son_n_5385477.html?utm_hp_ref=entertainment&ir=Entertainment
And finally tonight, Atheist rappers Greydon Square and Tombstone da Deadman will perform in concert on July 26 in Temple Hills, Maryland, staging the event in collaboration with Grand Unified – a science-spreading artist collective.
Seems like more of a “calendar” segment than a “headline” segment”. Unless, of course…
Well that is pretty much the whole story, so I could vamp for 30 seconds … And that could go downhill really quick … Or instead, we could spend that same amount of time listing “Ideas for Atheist and Religious Music Festivals” … GO!!!
Oh good… I was afraid you were gonna say “Rappers” and I’d have to reveal just how white I was. How about the “Apostate Fair”?
I’ll start by cheating. Had these already. These are my personal hypothetical atheist rapper aliases: Notorious BIG Bang and Scientific Method Man
Maybe a Buddhist fest called “Nirvana-roo”…
Lots of big, naked, buddhists with eightfold paths, listening to KoAni DiFranco … Free Tibetter Than Ezra …
Coac-hellbound.
All-4-One With Everything?
Maybe William Lane Craig could have an Apologetics Festival and call it “South by Northwest”
I heard Fitty Shekels and Kanye West Bank were gonna be at “Gathering of the Tribes” … Jewish …
Fitty Shekels… love it. “Oy vey can you see?” Anyway, how about the “Warped Logic Tour”?
What about a Puritan music fest? … Burning Woman at the Stake …
“We wanted to see Motley Crucifix, but we ended up getting stuck with a set of Three Nine Inch Nails.”
Or Ray Comfort could host a creationism one; “Bananaroo”.
Phil Collins and the … I Can’t Dancers in Genesis ???
Or maybe… and we should maybe actually do this one… a festival to raise money for secular education for women in Muslim countries called, “Malala-palooza?”
Gotta assume there’s already some kind of shitty lute fest and humus mash-off called “Halal-apalooza”.
I thought there was no true festival but “Allah”-palooza.
And despite being completely irrelevant now, I’m sure they’ll bring up “Benghazi Ozbourne” …
Maybe the Arab gangsta rap giants “Sand NWA” …
By the way ladies, be careful to avoid the acid at Allah-palooza.
Atheist Rapper Concert: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/26/concert-event-featuring-atheist-rappers
Alright, well now that we can be sure we’ve offended everyone, I think we can close out headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back, we’ll learn that after Psalms, we can take just about anything.
Babble – Proverbs
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a “proverb” as “a brief, popular saying that gives advice about how people should live”, but the biblical definition is more like a “statement of indeterminate length that expresses a notion that is either common-sense, true by merit of definition, or painfully, ridiculously wrong.” Chocked full of important nuggets like, “The clever do things intelligently, while the fool displays folly”, Proverbs does distinguish itself for being, at best, the least horrible book in the bible so far.
And it’s basically a lucky famous person giving stupid advice, because he confused covariance and causality. It’s King Solomon explaining how if we all heed the lord’s wisdom, then everyone will become the extremely wealthy King of Israel, just like him. See – it works!!!
So joining us to discuss a book that spends about 8% of its words warning us about the dangers of listening to women is a woman. Specifically, my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
I am woman, hear me roar!
So despite being recently told by an inerrant book that the true purpose of a wife is to make sure that I (quote) “let your breasts satisfy me at all times” (end quote), we’re gonna talk about the bible instead. You mind starting us off?
- At first I was thinking to myself, “Who named this book? Alanis Morissette? Aren’t proverbs supposed to be short?”
- Right and instead we get unnecessarily long restatements of the same thing over and over again. They’re more like… con-verbs, or whatever.
- So these are ancient words of wisdom, and the very first one basically says: “If a bunch of dudes invite you to go ambush and murder some innocent people with them … Don’t do that.” So right off the bat, Solomon really drops some insight on us.
- And even when you shave it down to a pithy sentence, it’s still bad advice. Chapter two, for example, tells us that as long as we fear god and seek wisdom <<which are mutually exclusive goals>> we’ll never have to worry about having raunchy, sinful naked time.
- And chapter three teaches us that the true goals of wisdom should be living a really long time and getting rich.
- “Lean not on your own understanding, do not be wise in your own eyes, and pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” So basically, don’t let judgment cloud your … judgment.
- Yeah, something of a pattern emerges right away. About 90% of the proverb is reminding you to pay attention to this proverb because it’s really, really important, and the other 10% vaguely tells you not to be wicked… without really defining wicked.
- Right. It’s like the verbose Leviticus.
- I don’t know, though, chapter five is pretty on message. It says, “beware vaginas”.
- But it also expressly endorses titty-fucking.
- As long as you “push in” at the last second.
- And I want to point out that whoever wrote chapter six was very familiar with the price of a hooker.
- Yeah, and it was only a loaf of bread back then, so I guess the ancient world wasn’t all bad.
- These days, with Atkins, it’s a meatloaf. Also in this chapter: (quote) “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him” (end quote) … Weird fucking way to present a list of 7 things … Anyway, most of them are pretty bad things like spilling innocent blook, lying, scheming, etcetera. But one of them … One of the seven things God could is capable of hating … is “haughty eyes”.
- This book is so obsessed with who you do and don’t fuck that through the first seven chapters it reads like the dorky guy who’s trying to explain why he never gets laid, “Well, yeah, there were a bunch of hotties down at the square begging me to fuck ‘em again tonight… you know, they’re all ‘I perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloe and cinammon; come let us take our fill of love until morning’… but I stayed righteous.”
- I fucked this girl from Moab at camp last summer. You wouldn’t know her. She lives a few tribes over.
- Then in chapter eight we meet god’s wife, I think.
- And apparently she has a nice house and she invites stupid people in.
- And then finally, after nine chapters of, “I swear I’m really smart and you should listen to me” bullshit, we get some actual proverbs.
- And apparently god sucks at proverbs. I mean, George Lucas wrote better wisdom than this. Couldn’t the guy that made Confucius come up with a few that would stick?
- There’s no puns, no rhymes, no wordplay of any kind. It’s a long, terrible, completley unclever version of Animaniacs’ “Good Idea, Bad Idea” segment … “Good Idea: Don’t be a mocker. Bad Idea: Mock.” Unforgettably eloquent stuff like that.
- Right. Chapter Eleven has 31 proverbs and they’re all variations on “Being righteous is preferable to being wicked.” Really? You’re divinely instructing your people and that’s all you bring?
- Yeah, you even get tautological shit like Chapter 12, verse 5 “The thoughts of the righteous are just; the advice of the wicked is treacherous.” So… evil people are evil. Thanks for clearing that up. No room for oral hygiene in this book, but we cleared up the whole, ‘are evil people evil?’ question.
- Thirteen has some really good advice on beating your children…
- Yeah, the advice is: “Beat your children with a rod.”
- Yeah, but just in case you didn’t get it then, they restate the pro-child beating case in chapters 19, 22, 23 and 29.
- And also there’s some good slave-beating advice in chapter 29.
- Perhaps my favorite, though, is 14:20 which states… (I shit you not) “The poor are disliked, even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.” That’s the whole thing. Be rich and people will like you more.
- Seems to be working for the Jews quite nicely ever since. Who doesn’t like the Jews? They’ve got all that gold.
- And a lot of focus on the “wise people are smart, fools are stupid” proverb. It’s restated maybe 50 times in the first fifteen chapters.
- Yeah, I’m willing to say that the tales of Solomon’s wisdom were greatly exaggerated.
- Well, he was the king… so who’s gonna argue. “Split a baby in half? That’s a great idea, your highness.” I picture him gorging on a turkey leg and a virgin, yelling, “Scribe! I have another one of those smart thingies for you. ‘Sometimes there is a way that seems to be right… but… um… in the end it is the way to death.’ Write that down. And put a little skull next to ‘death’… or no, make that the E in death… a little skull.”
- And he continues to be the inept minstrel that keeps missing the rhyme. “Good is good, and bad is bad. Evil stuff makes God real … pissed- SHIT!!! I suck at this!!! I’m such and idiot!!!”
- In seventeen we learn that it’s immoral to flog people for having integrity and we also learn that people in general should shut the fuck up.
- Apparently living alone is wicked, by the way. Never realized that, but it is.
- Every morning, I take a naked shit, with the door open, while drinking milk from the carton … Then it gets ugly. Didn’t have a google suggestion this week. Figured I’d just leave you with that image.
- Here and there there’s a weird one and a couple of times you get actual good advice, but most of them fall into one of three themes: Sit down and shut up; Stupid people are even worse than poor people; and evilness is evil.
- A lot of “god will fuck your shit up”, too.
- And since these are all attributed to kings, there’s also a lot of, “How awesome are kings?” ones too.
- We also learn repeatedly that lying is bad.
- It’s so boring, in fact, that if you’re not careful, you’ll miss the good blow job jokes. For instance, after the enigmatic proverb that tells us that lazy people say that the streets are filled with random lions, we get this gem, Chapter 22, verse 14 “The mouth of a loose woman is a deep pit.”
- Or a shallow pit, but it’s really wide. I don’t judge. They also mention that you’re not supposed to fuck with the property lines by moving ancient boundary stones. “Maybe I wasn’t clear earlier. I’m God … And I’m giving all the oil to the Jews … So it’s very important that they get to keep all this shitty-seeming dessert land, that I’ve marked off here.”
- And then we’re back to stupid shit like warnings that stingy people’s bread will make you puke and kids who don’t get beaten regularly will burn in hell.
- It also says that prostitutes are deep pits and adultresses are narrow wells, so apparently they’re saying if you’re gonna fuck around, try to get the tighter vagina of an adulteress before settling for a hooker.
- And in twenty four… or actually about halfway through chapter twenty three, we made a hard left out of the realm of pithy and onto just somebody saying something.
- Oh, and by the way, and apparently this is important, when you start eating honey, stop before you vomit.
- If you vomit, or hit the East River, you’ve gone too far. That’s helpful.
- Good thing god was around to inspire Solomon to tell Hezekiah to write this shit down.
- By chapter twenty six they’ve entirely run out of shit to say and start repeating earlier proverbs verbatim.
- Yeah, but if I’m not mistaken, chapter twenty six also has the bible’s first reference to dog vomit… so there’s some new shit sprinkled in there as well.
- And it’s such a weird mix of shit. Like in twenty seven we get a bit of generally good advice about not being a dick to your friends and then we close off with god telling you not to worry about the goat’s milk, because he’s got that covered.
- And even the stuff that sounds wise isn’t. Like 28:1, “The wicked flee when no one pursueth…” right, but they also flee when people do pursueth. Because if they weren’t fleeing, you couldn’t exactly pursue them. You’d just walk over there or something.
- And righteous pitchfork mobs don’t just “walk over there”. So correctly anticipating a lynch mob attack and going somewhere else, is evil???
- And sometimes it seems like they don’t understand that the two clauses in a proverb should be at least tangentially related. In 29:3, for example; “A child who loves wisdom makes a parent glad, but to keep company with prostitutes is to squander one’s substance.” Fucking what!? We go from making our parents proud to not wasting perfectly good semen in prostitutes?
- If you’re not getting A’s in school, you might as well be coming on a hooker’s back. Useful, everyday, false duality to guide your study habits and sperm targeting behavior.
- In 30 we learn that if you disobey your parents, vultures will eat your brains.
- In the King James it’s ravens plucking out your eyes and feeding them to eagles.
- And then after they finished the whole book, King Lemuel shows up with a poem that his mom wrote and said, “I want this one to be in the book, too.”
- And the whole thing is a ridiculous stereotype of Jewish moms. It starts off with her saying, “Don’t drink too much”, moves on to her asking when he’s gonna find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with and then ends by telling him how awesome he is.
And then it mercifully ends a hundred and nineteen chapters earlier than Psalms did. And while it seems more like something that belongs in a book of wisdom, it did leave me wishing god would go ahead and genocide somebody again or something. This book is getting boring even for this book.
I’d just like to point out that this book ends with an Epilogue about a wife of noble character… which is basically a list of shit she has to do with a smile on her face. She may not be charming and she may not be pretty but if she fears the lord you should praise her…. because apparently fear will make her get shit done.
So that does it for the Babble. We’ll be back in three weeks with Ecclesiastes, which I hear is by far the least bad book in the Bible, so that one might be harder to make fun of, but we’ll make due, I’m sure.
Outro:
Before we reach for the washcloth tonight, I wanted to congratulate a friend of mine on a pretty significant milestone. Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast is about to record his 100th episode. Among his many podcasting accolades is the fact that he was the first person to ever interview Heath and me about this show. So huge congrats to him on number one hundred, which I recommend you download and listen to when it’s available and not just because he invited us back on to temporarily join in the festivities.
And speaking of shows that I’ll be on soon that you should be listening to even when I’m not on them, rumor has it that I’ll also be joining Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show this week, should be available over the weekend.
That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with the incomparable Eli Bosnick to discuss the new film “Heaven is For Real” so be sure to have your popcorn ready for that one. Until then, you can keep up with us on the blog, on Facebook, on Twitter and on Google Plus.
I need to thank Heath once more for always having 190 seconds to spare for a segment called “30 seconds on the clock”; I need to thank Lucinda for powering through books of the bible post-op; and, of course, I need to thank Shawn from Alberta for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and Ukulele solo.
But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most bestest people in the whole wide world; David, Wally, Greg, Steve, Colin, Laura, Goran, Troy, Jeff with a “J”, SharpestOne, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”. David, Wally and Greg, whose cocks are available by prescription only in the state of Georgia; Steve, Colin and Laura, who are so intelligent that the next incarnation of personal communication devices might be referred to as “Steve, Colin and Laura”-phones; Goran, Troy and Jeff with a “J”, who are so legendary they named a planet, an ancient empire and a Lebowski after them, respectively; and Sharpest One, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”, who intergalactically notorious ninjutsu solves the Fermi Paradox.
These twelve paradisaic paragons have helped us paralyze a few more paragraph of paranoid parables from parasitic paranormalists this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the altruism, benevolence and discretionary income needed to give us money, but if you’d like to join the ranks of our financial supporters, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help, but you only like us as a friend, you can also help us a ton by giving us a sterling review on iTunes, Stitcher or the nearest church’s bulletin board.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode except Shawn’s ukulele bit was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 65 Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints
Warning: Lucinda isn’t feeling quite up to recording so this episode won’t even have that typical shred of innocence.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Unborn Life Savers brand abortion-safe coat hangers. Our Donut-shaped, soft-plastic coat hangers have been scientifically designed to dissolve instantly in vaginal mucous.
So if you’re a conscientious Christian with a closet full of murder weapons and you can’t help but notice that your slutty daughters are suspiciously childless, try Unborn Life Savers: Responsible For More Homeless Babies Than Wilt Chamberlain.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s May 15th,
And Johnny Football gets media attention for taking a shit. Imagine if he takes the Browns to the Super Bowl.
I only have so much imagination. I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright. And from “A black guy, a Puerto Rican, and Jew walk into a bar” New York, New York,
And “Oh hell no they don’t” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
- We’ll discuss Noah’s rash,
- A Tennessee college will stand up for cousin-fucking,
- And Cash from Atheists on Air will join us for a ReasonCon-versation.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
I get this message on the Scathing Atheist Facebook page the other day. It’s from a Catholic dude who’s going way out of his way to be an asshole politely. The message asks if we support “free speech” on our page, because he would like to politely hop on the page and politely counter some of the arguments that are being made.
Now, this struck me as odd because there’s really no argumentation on our Facebook page. I mean… did he want to dispute the fact that the show notes and transcripts for episode 64 were available? Did he want to refute the fact that we would be interviewing Cash from Atheist on Air this week? Did he want to disagree that I was finally done reading Psalms?
So I responded with an analogy I was proud of; it was one that I thought succinctly made my point in a language he could understand without being rude. I said, “suppose your church put up a Facebook page where you coordinated the bake sale and posted upcoming mixers and stuff. How polite would the atheist that came on the page to dispute the existence of god have to be before you wouldn’t think he was being an asshole?”
I went on to explain the debating religion isn’t really the purpose of our Facebook page. We maintain it to keep our audience up to speed with what’s going on with the show; I use it to share information on atheist events or share new stories that I think our audience will find interesting. That being said, there are no shortage of Facebook pages set up specifically for atheists and theists to debate. I offered a few links and told him to knock himself out.
I even went on to say that he was, of course, perfectly welcome to post anything he wants on our Facebook page, but I warned him that he may not get polite, respectful responses.
I thought it was a good answer. I thought, for some reason, that he might realize that not every atheist venue is designed to engage religious people… some of them are for atheists. But apparently he missed all the words but one. I wrote three paragraphs of explanation, but all he saw was that I used the “a-hole word”.
So rather than engaging me on any of the points I made, he sends a follow up message where he politely psychoanalyzes me and the anger issues that drive me to use naughty words so much. He admitted that sometimes he (and I quote) “uses the F word and regrets it”, but only when he’s really, really angry. So why was I so angry at god?
And if you follow us on Facebook, you may have already seen my response, but if you haven’t, it went a little something like this:
Dear Polite Asshole (except I actually used his name),
I should start off by pointing out that your idiosyncratic aversion to profanity is of absolutely no concern to me. If you strictly use “fuck” as an expression of anger, you’ve obviously overlooked the multifaceted utility of this wonderful syllable. I use the word “fuck” for a variety of reasons and an expression of anger is only one of them. Often I use it because (when you’re not dealing with people who are irrationally prudish) it gives the discussion an air of informality that allows it to be more familial. This is probably not true for most practicing Catholics, but as neither my show nor its ancillary Facebook Page is for practicing Catholics, I am under no obligation to give a shit.
Additionally, I often I use the word “fuck” because it has a vulgar explanatory power that no other word has. If I were to refer to the systematic rape and torture and consequent global cover-up that you financially supported by giving to the Catholic church, for example, I could refer to it as “child molestation” but that has such a clinical feel to it. It fails to have the emotional impact of “child fucking”. When discussing such horrors, I feel obligated to do so in a way that doesn’t sugar coat it.
But it’s true that I also use “fuck” as an expression of anger. When, for example, you hear from a person who has funded a worldwide cabal of child rapists that thinks he deserves an explanation for filthy language on the internet, it is tempting to tell that person to go fuck themselves. Any lesser expression would fail to properly encapsulate the aversion I have to such petty nonsense.
Respectfully, Noah
So once more, to any masochistic theist who is listening; you’re an uninvited vegan at a barbecue. Eat some chips and shut the fuck up.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is the Rush Limbaugh of good, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready for some justified assholery?
Right – I’m a bigot, but for the left.
Annie Hall reference for the win.
In our lead story tonight, in “Goodell Without God” news, despite the best efforts of an allegedly omnipotent being, this year’s NFL draft made the league less Christian, and more openly gay. For many Amyrrhicans, it might as well be soccer at this point.
And for our British listeners, soccer is what we call that sport you guys pretend is hardcore even though you don’t need any padding to play it. And for our Australian listeners, think Australian rules football only it makes sense and Colonel Sanders isn’t there.
This story has two parts: First, we have San Diego State running back Adam Muema, who skipped this year’s scouting combine at the last second because he was (quote) “following God” (end quote). Muema claims God told him that if he skipped the event, he would definitely get drafted by the Seattle Seahawks. Turns out a bunch of players – even Christian ones, oddly enough – did show up for the combine, so he obviously went undrafted.
He must have received his divine instructions out of context.
On the other side of the coin – the tails side I guess – we have former Missouri defensive end (he’s a power bottom) Michael Sam, who is now a St. Louis Ram, and the first openly gay player in the NFL. I especially enjoyed that in the process, Sam made millions of Christians squirm with bigotry when he kissed his boyfriend on national television after being drafted. Many congratulations are in order here …
Most of all to the Rams head office. Because anybody could have drafted him, but only the Packers and Browns would have offered up an easier slate of buttsex jokes. So go Rams.
And congrats for taking a roster spot from Adam Muema, who tweeted about talks with the Rams pre-draft. And most importantly, congrats for ensuring that the first openly gay player is a Rams Defensive End!!! You can’t make this shit up!!! The only way this gets better, is if he moves to the other side of the ball, and learns to play tight end.
God’s #1 pick still on waiver wire: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/10/nfl-prospect-who-skipped-out-on-scouting-combine-because-god-told-him-to-doesnt-get-drafted
And in “Exiting two by two” news tonight, a Christian college in Dayton, Tennessee has lost nearly a quarter of its full-time professors in the last couple of months after the board of trustees insisted on glorifying incest. Faculty at Bryan College…
…”Go Lions”…
… were responding to a recent update to the school’s statement of belief, which added an assertion that (quote) “Adam and Eve were historical people that were not created from previously existing lifeforms” (end quote)
“Have we ever observed evidence of Adam or Eve? No. But like I said, they’re not observational people … They’re historical people.”
School president Stephen Livesay insists that these minor “just how seriously do we want to pretend to take this doctrinal horse shit?” type dust ups are common in Christian Colleges, oblivious to the mathematical result of repeatedly losing a quarter of one’s faculty.
How much faculty do they need to study 2 books?!? And you know they skim over Psalms.
Students have joined in the protest by signing petitions, writing letters to the board of trustees and wearing black armbands. Their message is clear, “We want some true stuff sprinkled in with the wacky bullshit we want you to teach us.”
Christian college loses nearly a quarter of it’s professors after insisting on biblical literalism: http://www.timesnews.net/article/9076475/bryan-college-losing-nearly-25-of-faculty-after-adam-and-eve-controversy
And from the “Clergymen in Black” file, Pope Franetarium finally weighed in on whether Catholics should splash Martian space travelers with heaven water, if said aliens sprung to existence, came to Earth, and asked nicely. And yes, they should.
I mean, sure, this sounds silly, but promising to baptize Martians might be the most substantive thing he’s done in his pontificate.
Along with letting atheists apply for Catholic heaven … Apparently the Pope isn’t the first church official to consider hydro-fracking souls on other planets. Vatican scientist Guy Consolmagno made a similar suggestion about baptizing aliens in 2010. But let’s just pump the brakes here … There’s something called “Vatican Scientist”?!? What’s this guy been doing all this time?!?
Here’s my guess. Day one they sit him down and say, “justify transubstantiation with your fancy science words.” Like a Manhattan project of futility there. Bunch of brilliant scientists that didn’t read the fine print on the employment contract.
So here’s a real statement from the Pope: (quote) “If – for example – tomorrow an expedition of Martians came […] Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them … [Just like vaguely racist children paint them] … And one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?” (end quote) … They would bathe those green men, is what would happen! Useless counterfactual parsed! We are Catholicism! Good night Vatican City!
Pope Francis would baptize martians: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/12/pope-francis-aliens_n_5310935.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “What about the Father and the Holy Ghost of Sam?” news tonight, Jesus has forgiven the slightly infamous underachieving serial killer David Berkowitz for murdering the same number of people in his entire serial killing career as die every year from fatigue.
Son of Sam, one one hundredth as dangerous as auto-erotic asphyxiation.
So despite being an unrepentant murderer, and such a crappy one that more that half of his victims survived, Berkowitz was able to exploit the little known loophole in Christianity known as the “we’ll take whoever we can get at this point contingency” and earned his way into Heaven. Me? Still going to hell. Son of Sam? Golden-fucking-ticket. Great theology you guys have going there, by the way.
Just reinforces the terrible message that everyone should be working the Saint Augustine strategy … Which goes something like, “Lord: Grant me chastity and virtue, but not just yet.” Just let me finish this murder spree, and then I promise I’ll get all saved up, right after that.
Berkowitz explained his application of apostolic white-out this week while being denied parole for his feeble little serial killer career. And I’m sorry to keep talking up what a crappy serial killer he is, but I think New Yorkers need to hear this shit. He’s ranked right up there with such well known serial killers as Robert Berdella and some crazy chick that killed her family. And you guys were scared shitless of this dude for a whole year. Seattle’s had seven Son of Sam’s in the last three weeks or something and they aren’t pussing out about it.
It was probably that thug Richard Sherman … And like 6 other guys.
Son of Sam claims Jesus has forgiven him: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/13/son-of-sam_n_5314336.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion
And in “Blue Waffle Ridge” news, school offi- (Google that by the way) School officials at Blue Ridge High School in Greenville, South Carolina decided to censor a painting by senior Tracie Holtzclaw entitled Rape Culture, removing it from the district art exhibition two days prior to the event. The student artist is a victim of rape herself, and says that the piece explores frustration with the reaction of her Christian community, most of whom told her she was probably dressing too slutty.
Well the painting was kind of asking to be force fucked by a passing art patron.
Holtzclaw disputed the decision to remove the piece, and despite playing her permanent rape victim card that trumps everything, still no love … So what’s their problem with Rape Culture?
They seem okay with it when it’s not a painting…
Well, not only did the title have a scary word like ‘culture’, the painting of a topless, tattooed woman has a pre-censor bar painted over what the district assumes would have been a nipular side boob area. And this particular brand of whimsy was a little too nuanced, even for the art historians and museum curators that run the censorship program in Greenville, South Carolina.
Proof that she kind of nailed the whole concept of “art” if you ask me. I don’t know why people think “art” is so hard to define. If it pisses off conservatives in Greenville, South Carolina and it isn’t a black person voting, it’s art.
Seems like at the very least, they could have allowed the piece, but with the word ‘rape’ blacked out. (Or maybe hang a hijab over it.) Or just call it Nonconsensual Attempted Fatherhood Culture that day … Or some other clever title that two offensive atheist assholes could come up with on the spot right now …
So 30 seconds on the clock … “Sexually Explicit Artwork Titles” … GO!!!
I wanna start with the Hymen Pop-Art master Glandy Warhol… hm… something about some soup… in the can… Shit, I pass…
Botticelli’s “Girth of Penis”
Same subject as the “Penis de Milo”… also known as Venus on the half-stock. Cautionary piece on the dangers of repeated handjobs, I think.
With the arms falling off … That’s a highbrow lowbrow reference … Very hard to pull off … What about: “Permanent Scarry Night”?
That one’s by Unmarked Van Gogh, right?
Yeah same guy that did that famous mugshot of himself … “Self-Portrait of a Rapist as a Young Man”
Girl with a Pearl Necklace?
Generous lovers give you the necklace and the earrings … Was she wearing those when we walked into the museum earlier? … What about: “Dogs Playing Poker in the Rear”?
Little too highbrow for me. How about the Arc de Triomphent Ropes of Jism.
Yeah better high brow than right in the eye … Black Snake Mona Lisa … You always notice that bored look in her eyes, no matter where you stand.
Two girls, one fur-lined teacup? …two art history majors laughed out loud just now.
The Procreation of Adam … Touching portrait of the time God fingered his first man.
Should have called it “Adam squealing on the ceiling.”
Art show censorship in South Carolina school: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/05/10/sc-teens-rpe-culture-artwork-reflecting-her-own-sexual-assault-banned-from-art-exhibit
And finally tonight, from the “Itchy Rash on my SCOTUS” file, Roanoke County Supervisor Al Bedrosian reminded everyone this week why the recent Supreme Court ruling regarding official prayers at government meetings is fucking stupid. In the wake of the ruling he called for revisions to the county’s policies to ensure that only Christian prayers would be heard since, of course, his religion is the right one.
Which divergent sect of the right one is he, again? Baptist? Because someone recently told me very confidently that God was a Methodist. And he sounded pretty sure.
Somebody’s full of shit…
At least one of them… maybe both…
In one of earth’s greatest examples to date of not getting it, Bedrosian promised to reject any non-Christian invocation, explaining that (quote) “That does not infringe on their freedom of religion. The truth is you’re trying to infringe on my right, because I don’t believe that.” (end quote). So yes, it is clear from that statement that Al Bedrosian actually thinks that the founders of this nation specifically meant freedom of Al Bedrosian’s religion.
So this was a preemptive strike against people praying for God to convert to Islam? Which he thinks might have worked?
I think you’re giving him a lot of credit when you say “thinks”.
In wake of SCOTUS ruling, Virginia asshole promises Christian-only invocations: http://www.centerforinquiry.net/newsroom/cfi_warns_roanoke_supervisor_of_legal_action_if_christians-only_prayer_poli/
Well, I guess we’ll have to take a break from infringing on Al Bedrosian’s rights because that’s all we’ve got for headlines this week. Heath, thanks as always.
Jew-Manji!
And when we come back, Cash from Atheists On Air will be here to talk about herding cats.
Outro:
Before we clock out for the night, I wanted to thank everybody who sent my wife well-wishes this week. If you follow us on Facebook or Twitter you might know that the lovely Lucinda lost 4 ounces the hard way last week when she had her gallbladder removed. She’s recovering nicely and all the love she got from all of you really made her smile when she had no other good reason to. She’d be thanking you herself but she’s still a little dopey so on her behalf and mine, thanks a ton. Too many to mention everybody by name, but specific thanks to Dee, Bill, Suzy, Deb and Vinny. And then nonspecific thanks to a lot of other really awesome people.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight but we’ll be back in a hundred and sixty eight hours with more. If you can’t wait that long, though, you can catch me on a recent episode of the Quranify Me podcast as well as an upcoming episode of “An American Atheist”, you’ll find a link to the former in this week’s shownotes and link to the latter on our Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus accounts as soon as it’s available.
And speaking of awesome podcasts that’ll be linked on this week’s shownotes, another quick thanks to Cash for giving us a bit of his time. If you haven’t checked out Atheists on Air yet, I highly recommend it. Cash is hilarious, he gets great guests and because it’s a newer show, there’s a damn good chance you can chat with his guests live if you call in. Anyway, he’s on blogtalkradio but you can also find him on this week’s shownotes.
And speaking of speaking of awesome podcast that’ll be linked on this week’s shownotes, I also need to thank David from the “My Book of Mormon” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. Basically giving the Book of Mormon the Thomas and the Bible (slash) Quranify Me treatment and doing it in a baritone that damn near makes me come; again, shownotes, links, et cetera.
And at the risk of overthanking this week, I need to thank Heath for keeping the rape jokes classy. I need to thank Lucinda, who should be back to her regular Scathing Atheist duties next week. But most of all I need to thank this week’s best people, Shelly, Chuck13, Lawrence, Jamie, Donovan, Bill, Quinn, Vadim, Vinny, Ken, Jason, and Rizado. Shelly, Chuck13 and Lawrence, who are so quick-witted their neuronal pathways have onramps; Jamie, Donovan and Bill, who are mild mannered by day, but ninja-cidal by night; Quinn, Vadim and Vinny, who saw and conquered before they came, which is better; and Ken, Jason and Rizado, whose erections will be the undoing of the Extenz Hose guy’s patent..
These twelve paragons of altruism have beaten back the forces of destitution that constantly threaten our noble effort to combine secularism with the finest in flatulent humor this week by giving us money. Only those with the most impressive genitals and/or intellects have the genitals and/or intellect to give us money but if you think you’ve got the aforementioned genitals and/or intellect, you can make a per episode donation to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, whilst simultaneously scoring yourself some cool Scathing Atheist shit.
You can also make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you pick up our new book; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope” as an ebook or a paperback at Amazon (dot) com.
And you can also leave us a glowing review on iTunes because, shit, that’s free.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 64 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints)
LINK TO BUY THE BOOK (PAPERBACK)
Warning: It would take a lot more than Orbitz Gum to keep these guys from saying Fuck.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Uni-Psalm: Official Sleeping Pills of the Old Testament
Were you tricked by an old book into being sober all the time? Not allowed to jerk off and go to bed like a normal person? Arbitrary rule against fucking your neighbor’s wife? Try Uni-Psalm: The soporific power of 150 awful poems, concentrated into a single pill.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s May 8th,
And believe it or not, when black people play golf, they’re great chippers.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright. And from “De-Segregated Golf Club” New York, New York,
And “Deep Fat Friar’s Club” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
- California students deny the holocaust, and support their thesis with examples of Jews.
- We’ll knock out a whole episode in less time than it takes for an Oklahoman felon to die of a lethal injection,
- And theologians are still stumped by issues surround pre-op tranny weddings.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
I’m gonna do my level best tonight not to just say “ReasonCon” over and over again for thirty minutes because DAMN what a good time. Holy shit, all in one weekend, I get my first chance to hang out with our listeners, I get my first chance to hang out with other atheist podcasters in person, I get my ass handed to me in a debate with Tracie Harris, I get a private lecture on Hitler’s Table Talk monologues from Dr. Richard Carrier and I get to make masturbation jokes at the expense of a former pastor.
Okay, yes, I’m blatantly name-dropping and shamelessly bragging. Sorry about that, but DAMN what a good time. Holy shit what a good time. Had a blast.
This was actually my first time going to an atheist convention. I’ve been to some skeptical cons and some science cons and I’ve been to Comic Con and shit like that, and I’ve always had a great time. But it’s nothing compared to the knowledge that at any moment I can actually just say what I’m thinking without first planning an evacuation route. I can make the Jesus joke that occurs to me as it occurs to me. Not something I’m used to experiencing in public.
But I don’t want to make the weekend seem like it was all open bars, captivating conversations, hedonistic debauchery and brilliant lectures. There was way more to it than just that. I got something while I was there that I needed. Something I’ve never gotten before and probably couldn’t get anywhere else.
See, I was lucky when it came to religion. My parents were nominally religious but they were okay with me exploring spirituality in any whacky way I chose. I got beat up a few times for being a “devil wor’shupper” and I got ostracized by a few teachers for standing up for the First Amendment once in a while, but by and large I got through life with no religious scars. I started this podcast because religion annoys me and it’s bullshit. But that’s all it was for me; an intellectual annoyance.
And sure, I’m aware of the real victims of religion. I’m aware of the oppressed women and the abused kids and the sexually dysfunctional adults and the estranged children and the suicidal gays and the destitute marks, but I’ve never met them. I’ve never spoken with them. I’ve never looked into their eyes while they told me those stories.
This weekend I met Phoebe; an amazing young woman who is somehow filled with confidence and strength despite being dragged from one sexist cult to another through her youth. I met Derrick, whose mother hasn’t returned a message from him for three years because she’s so ashamed to have raised an atheist. I met Chris who spent years contemplating suicide because he couldn’t stop jerking off. I met Ryan whose stepfather couldn’t possibly have been abusing him and his brother the way he claimed because his stepfather was a good Christian man. I met Bobby whose father sexually abused him and used the Bible to justify it.
But the crimes of religion aren’t always so grandiose and they don’t have to be. Because I also met Ben, who was a well-adjusted, super-bright dude that almost gave up on his Chemistry major to pursue a career in pretending that space-Jesus was for real. He thought better of it, but he told me about a friend who didn’t. A bright, promising mind foregoing scientific advancement in favor of promoting ignorance.
Now don’t get me wrong here. I don’t think pursuing theology or biblical studies is necessarily a waste. I also met Richard Carrier this weekend and I’m damn glad he’s devoted his brilliance to examining the Bible. Every pursuit has value as long as it’s as the pursuit is honest. But what is the societal cost when intelligent people devote themselves to perpetuating a lie? How many chemists do we lose? How many doctors or biologists or engineers never got to do anything useful because they were busy turning crackers into zombified Jew-flesh?
Every college degree in divinity is a college degree in not-something-else. Every church is taking up space that could be used for a not-church. Every pastor who pounds a pulpit could be hammering a fucking nail. It’s silly to pretend that society doesn’t pay for this shit. Every time you see a nice church surrounded by shitty houses, you’re looking at the societal cost. Every time you see a wealthy preacher next to a struggling teacher, you’re looking at that cost.
And if you ever feel like you’ve seen it so many times your eyes have grown numb to it, I suggest hitting up an atheist convention. From what I understand, they have a way of opening eyes.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is escaped ReAsonConvict, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to regale us with tales from the event?
ReAsonCon in Hickory, North Carolina was the real deal!!! Plenty of free-range, locally-sourced, Hickory-smoked baby bacon. The best pork comes straight from the stork!!! MMMM GODLESS BITCHES!!! Big thanks to the everyone involved, including the dedicated, talented, and hilarious hosts of Atheists on Air … Cash and Love!!!
Along with Gene and everybody else from Hickory Humanists… It was a phenomenally awesome time, which was good, because I needed all the pre-existing good mood I could get when I woke up Monday and read our lead story for the week. Normally I’d try to write some witty headline to describe it or something, but I really don’t think I could do better than Andy Borowitz from the New Yorker, so in our lead story tonight “In Landmark Decision, Supreme Court Strikes Down Main Reason Country Was Started.”
Or in other words: “Roberts Court digs up James Madison’s grave and shits in his mouth.”
Okay, yeah… that was better than Borowitz. And of course we’re talking about the controversial 5-4 decision that upheld the right of the Town of Greece, New York to wrap the Bill of Rights around a pile of dog shit and then light it on fire and leave it on some old dude’s porch to see if he’ll stomp it out. Writing the Majority opinion, Anthony “What the fuck ever happened to you, you bumbling tit?” Kennedy said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Fuck the first amendment. Ya’ll keep bringing up old shit.”
Can’t local politicians in Greece, NY just pray for their job to matter in the car, before they walk into the meetings? … That’s literally the trade-off here. We had to either scrap the First Amendment, or ask people to shit before the meeting. And we decided on diapers in the meeting.
Well, the majority opinion actually claimed that the prayers didn’t violate the first amendment because they didn’t (quote) “denigrate nonbelievers or religious minorities, threaten damnation or preach conversion.” Because isn’t that what the Constitution says? I believe the exact portion he’s referring to is the part that reads, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion unless everybody’s really nice about it. And then it’s okay.”
But they’re not even being really nice about it!!! In what sense is threatening damnation, and preaching conversion capable of being friendly?!?
Now in the aftermath of the decision, the American Humanist Association announced a program that will help train people to give secular invocations while the Freedom From Religion Foundation has offered a reward to the person who gives the best one. Because, let’s face it, if we were supplicant, we would be religious, which is why eventually we always win fights like this.
If the Scathing Atheists are allowed to make invocations before redneck town meetings, they’ll stop praying real fast.
I’ll be adding links to more info on the AHA and FFRFs efforts on the shownotes for this episode and I strongly encourage everyone who listens to this to take this one seriously. This is some activism we can all do in our hometowns that will really make a difference.
Supreme Court upholds prayer before public meetings: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303647204579543572388368040?mg=reno64-wsj&url=http%3A%2F%2Fonline.wsj.com%2Farticle%2FSB10001424052702303647204579543572388368040.html
LINK TO AHA SECULAR INVOCATION INFORMATION
LINK TO FFRF SECULAR INVOCATION REWARD INFO
And from “The Most Dangerous Game Theory” file, one of Oklahoma’s tax-paid executioners botched a routine iocane powder procedure, and witnesses were forced to see that awkward, prolonged, death seizure look on the perp’s face for about 20 minutes. This is why atheists only murder unborn children. No eye contact.
Yeah, I hate it when state sponsored barbarism is so barbaric. If the two terms weren’t mutually exclusive, I’d suggest we execute prisoners like a civilized society.
In order to avoid bureaucratic ineptitude like this in the future – and keeping in mind they still want to continue murdering people – many Republican Christians are calling for privatization of the capital punishment industry, making it more efficient, and profitable at the same time. Or … instead of no-bid contracts for domestic vigilante Halliburton death squads, we could realize that capital punishment costs taxpayers more than life in prison … and also murder is probably wrong.
Just when you think the Republican irony meter can’t go any higher. As it turns out, they only had issues with the “state sponsored” part of “state sponsored death panels.”
I know it’s not a top priority like “Don’t whittle figurines”, but something along the lines of “Shalt not Kill” is in the 5-7 range depending on how you mistranslate the perfect word of god and his ten most important commandments. But more importantly – just in general – if somebody asks you if you should murder people … and you have to consult a textbook … that’s problematic … REALLY pedantic at best.
Death Penalty Sort-of Works Eventually: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2014/05/02/what-it-was-like-watching-the-botched-oklahoma-execution/
And in “Defrock ‘em in the ass” news tonight, the Vatican has finally released details of exactly how they’ve disciplined priests accused of child rape and torture. Before we get to the sanctions, I’d like to point out that they did so while being questioned by the UN committee that monitors the implementation of the UN Treaty against torture, so for the assholes that email me and tell me calling it torture is hyperbolic, fuck you. It is absolutely torture; it’s torture of the worst kind and the people doing the torture no longer dispute that fact. So stop standing up for child torturing rapists.
Yeah, let’s just take a moment and consider one more time, that Christianity is appearing before the UN Anti-Torture Committee. Must be a few awkward moments … “So this last part’s just a formality … Embarrassed to even ask, but it’s our last checkbox here … You guys keep the pedophiles away from kids after you find out, right? You’re not still setting them up with jobs as Chuck E Cheese bathroom attendants, right?”
The numbers also cast enormous suspicion on the whole “Yeah, sure, back in the 50s we fucked the hell out of some kids, but now we’re cool” argument the Vatican’s been peddling for the last couple years. More than 3400 credible accusations of abuse have been referred to the Vatican in the last ten years including more than 400 cases just last year.
If they’re gonna equate institutional pedophilia to cigarette smoking, then we get to put a Surgeon General’s warning on every bible from now on. Because they’re still smoking boy pole!!!
Warning: Do not use while operating civic machinery. I like it. So in 848 of the nearly 3500 cases, the priests ID card and his super-saver discount card were revoked. And that represented the tough punishment. They didn’t get to be priests anymore. Which means that in more than 2,500 instances they did get to be priests anymore! The Rapists!
Vatican releases stats on punishments for molester priests: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/may/06/vatican-figures-disciplined-priests-sex-abuse
And in “@GOP + @GOD = #BFF” news, the Republican National Committee tweeted the following over the weekend: (quote) “Religious freedom is our God-given right.” (end quote) … Also included was a link to a strongly-worded petition demanding that President Obama stop helping Satan by refusing to fill the crucially important position called: Ambassador-at-Large for International Religious Freedom. Rumors on the Hill suggest the currently serving Traveling Secretary to the Assistant Quidditch Game Warden is perfect for the job … But then you get Harry Potter fans petitioning Obama about the free exercise clause.
Right. The guys that have the judiciary running on fumes and dryer lint are worried about this unfilled post?
Knowing that Jesus was less about public well-being, and more about deadly weapons, the GOP recently bolstered it’s Christ-Cred even further, when it blocked the selection of an extremely qualified Surgeon General nominee, for his role in angering the NRA by suggesting bullet wounds may be harmful to your health. Doesn’t the First Amendment say Christians can’t vote because that would be crazy?
Yeah, but as of this week we’re not doing the First Amendment anymore.
RNC tweets about being the god party and Obama oppressing religious freedom: http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/republican-party-announces-it-is-officially-the-party-of-god/politics/2014/05/05/86744
And in “63% of Respondents said “Ungh….”” news tonight, a new study finds that Evangelicals are still stunningly stupid. (Stunningly?) A new survey by The Associated Press looked into America’s willingness to accept established, fully demonstrated scientific fact and to the surprise of nobody, we flunked miserably. The survey showed that the Evangelicals were leading the way, proudly marching toward hegemonized stupidity, but kind of running into each other and falling down a lot.
Like chickens proudly marching to the KFC factory … It’s okay to be stupid, but when all the smartest chickens do shitloads of research on KFC, and show you videos of the Fargo Chipper, you halt the fucking procession!!!
Yes, but this study casts doubt on any analogy that assumes Evangelicals have intelligence equal to that of a chicken. Okay, so the numbers. They looked at four key scientific facts and asked people if they were confident that these demonstrable, unambiguous FACTS were true. More than three quarters of Evangelicals expressed doubt in the big bang and evolution; with more than half doubting anthropogenic climate change and the established age of the earth.
We finally have actual evidence suggesting a flood, and the Christians are denying it???
This is further proof that we didn’t need that religion stifles scientific advancement and it’s not the sporadic influence the apologists would have you believe. I’d argue that if this was the only negative influence of religion, that would be enough to justify this show and my outrage. And it’s not. Because they also fuck kids.
Oh, right I forgot about that, since we covered it two stories ago!
Study: Evangelicals are still stunningly stupid: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/01/ap-survey-faith-science_n_5249154.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Wiles E Coyote Ugly” news, conservative North Carolina Senate candidate Steve Wiles – whilst campaigning on the gay-marriage-ban platform – was recently outed as a former drag queen emcee at a Winston-Salem gay bar, performing under the stage name, “Miss Mona Sinclair”.
The greatest part of this story is that when they asked the staunchly anti-gay rights candidate if he himself was gay, he said, and I quote, “I really won’t make any comment on that.” So yeah, he really dodged a bullet there. They almost figured him out.
Yeah close one … So after being fired from his/her job as a promoter for the 2011 Miss Gay America pageant, for (quote) “conduct unbecoming” to the organization, it seems Wiles decided he/she was better suited to perform conduct unbecoming to a politician.
What kind of a tease is it to mention “Conduct unbecoming of a Miss Gay America promoter” and then not give details. Motherfuckers…
Obviously we’ve already got 30 seconds on the clock for this one … “Republican Drag Queen Bar Names” … GO!!!
Forged Bush
The GOP Spot
I was gonna says the “Trans Old Party”
SantoRum and Coke
I don’t mind admitting, that place gives me a Boehner. How about “Gippers & Strippers: The Home of Trickle Down Your Back Economics.”
Ted’s Gay Cruise?
Colon Pow!
Tap That Ashcroft
Chris (equals) Christie? Great place to get your tunnel jammed.
Kind of like “Vicar/Victoria” …
The Oral Majority
The Dick Army Gravy Train
Prostate’s Rights?
Entrance in the Back Tucker Carlson’s
The LGBT Party.
Adam’s Applebees
Anti-gay politician once worked as drag queen at gay bar: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/anti-gay-north-carolina-republican-candidate-worked-drag-queen-gay-bar-report-article-1.1779271
And finally tonight, in “Holocaust of Living” news, a high school in Rialto, California learned the stupid way that you shouldn’t assign kids to write a paper entitled “Did the holocaust really happen?” Eighth grade students in the school were asked to do some research and write a paper explaining whether they believed the holocaust was (a) the holocaust or (b) a political scheme concocted to influence public emotion. And they somehow failed to know in advance that they’d reached “drooling into your soup” levels of idiocy here.
If I remember high school correctly, that means I could have gotten an A on a holocaust denial essay, as long as I used transition words like “moreover”, and somewhere included the phrase “encompassing a wide swath of cultural mores”.
I should point out that I don’t think the topic should be off the table for discussion or anything. If somebody wants to research the historical evidence on that one I invite them to do so because the historical evidence is FUCKING OVERWHELMING. I mean… just… what else happened to all the fucking Jews? There are censuses before the holocaust and there’s all these jews. And then there’s now. And all those Jews are gone. So sure. Look into it. Start with some of Michael Shermer’s excellent work on the subject. But don’t make a fucking history assignment out of it! And especially don’t do that if… and I don’t give a shit if this is unrelated… but especially don’t do it if the superintendent of the school is sporting the “I shit you not” name of Mohammad Z. Islam. That’s actually the dude’s name.
That was also the #2 answer when Family Feud asked 100 Texans to name the President of the United States. And the #1 answer: … George Bush.
Anyway, after fucking-duh complaints from the Anti-Defamation League, a number of other groups and most of the parents who weren’t assholes, the school apologized and scrapped the paper and replaced it with a less controversial sociology assignment entitled, “The Blacks: Do They Really Love Them Some Cornbread?”
“Rape: Legitimate Gripe or Bid for Attention?”
California School debates historical legitimacy of the holocaust: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/05/rialto-holocaust-assignment_n_5268840.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
Well I guess now that we can chalk up the rape joke we can close out the headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
If they downloaded our podcast, they were asking for it.
And when we come back, Lucinda will be here to make excuses for not reading all the way through Psalms.
Babble:
Holy shit… which was, I believe, the working title for Psalms.
They also kicked around “Better Off Dead Poet’s Society” …
We had the supreme displeasure this week of reading by far the longest book of the bible and the only task less desirable than reading this shit is figuring out a way to break it down in a 10 minute segment.
Which is only slightly less desirable than Anne Coulter’s personality
Indeed. Not only is this book way too long for a meaningful overview; it’s also just a random anthology of needy, whining jews. There’s no story to talk about… it’s just a collection of crappy and often cadaverous prayers about random shit. So joining us to try to find a way to sum this sucker up is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Good to be back… I’ve missed me.
As have I. So to give this discussion some kind of structure we’re gonna look not to the individual psalms, but rather to the five sections within the book. So Lucinda, why don’t you start us off with part one:
- Part one:
- So Basically you have two types of Psalms right off the bat. They’re either saying “Hey, you can tell how glorious god is because everything is going right for us” or they’re saying, “I know things aren’t going right for us, but that doesn’t mean that God’s not glorious.”
- Right. A lot of “Damned if I do, damned if you don’t” stuff… and it’s so funny coming right off of Job. The very first psalm basically negates the entire previous book.
- And they make sure to point out that good Christians are always prosperous because their parents own valuable coastal properties. So choose your parents wisely.
- And then there’s a bunch of “My god could beat up your god” and “Dear god, don’t let anybody fuck me in my sleep” shit for the next hundred and fifty chapters.
- Interspersed with some serious shit talk about atheists.
- Yes, apparently we’re cannibals and do only wicked acts. But that’s just because of the dude we sent back in time to terminate the Jesus pregnancy, or “Project: Hasta la vista, Baby Jesus”. That’s a nice brunch right there: Bacon, Egg, and Jesus, and a Bloody Mary with stem celery garnish.
- It worked better in part two, but they’re still waiting for the second coming anyway.
- Yeah, 18 is a weird one, too. It’s a mile and a half longer than all the other ones around it, but it’s about a scene where basically God kills a bunch of ninjas, so I didn’t mind so much.
- I liked 22, which I call “The prayer of the pantsed nerd”
- Yeah, right before the “The lord is my sheppard bit” we get the whole “My mom says you guys are only persecuting me because you’re jealous” Psalm… which was fun.
- And then in Psalm 35 we get the prayer of the RoadRunner… it’s all about my enemies getting caught in their own nets and accidentally strapping themselves to their own Acme rocket…
- “And God made the law of gravity, and the coyote fell, and it was good.”
- Part Two:
- Then we get to part two and it’s worth pointing out that there’s nothing that divides book one from book two except a header that says, “book two”. There’s no substantive difference between the content of either book.
- Right. The Psalms continue to basically fall into two themes: (a) Our enemies just got their asses kicked, how about god, huh? and (b) Our enemies just kicked our asses so what the hell?
- Is that what you guys were getting? I swear at a certain point I was just reading “goddy-goddy-god-god… god god ‘selah’”
- Yeah, lot of that too. But there was also plenty of backhanded praise in this one. A lot of “God, I know it seems like you’re fucking up all your godding and what not, but we know better.”
- And then there’s all the flattering, obsequious, “I sure hope god fucks my daughter” stuff … “God. God. God. Dad. Daddy. Yahweh. Hashem. Lois. Are you watching? Are you looking?”
- I giggled at Psalm 47, which was basically the biblical version of the Hokey Pokey.
- And I think it’s worth noting that Psalm 53 is basically identical to Psalm 14. They were hoping we wouldn’t notice, but we did.
- Probably not a coincidence that they doubled up on the Psalm that talked shit about atheists. Literally claims that every single atheist is evil. So all babies are evil.
- A lot of justifications for racism and genocide too. Psalm 58, 60, 63, 68… basically all the ones that aren’t telling god how massive his dick is.
- Yeah, 58 was particularly egregious. I believe that was the one where you ask god to rip out the teeth of your enemies children. Or at least make sure nobody is allowed to provide them with affordable medical coverage.
- Part Three:
- Then we get to part three. And I’m hoping that we’re gonna see some kind of change in theme or something, but I’ve been burned once before. Book One and Book Two were just randomly separated. But this time Book Two actually ends by saying, “Okay so that’s all of David’s shit.” So I got my hopes up one more time. Would something finally be different?
- No.
- Right. No. First Psalm in book three? Same “Damn is god awesome and damn do wicked people suck” nonsense for another 16 Psalms.
- Right, but this book is shorter so it feels like you’re getting somewhere. It’s like driving through New England. Every few minutes you’re going over another state line and even though you’re not actually getting anywhere any faster, you feel like you are.
- I wanted to point this one out, by the way, because I could be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure that in 74:11 god says he can’t help the Israelites because he’s busy fondling his own tits…. or whacking off or something.
- That’s how I read it.
- If I remember correctly – and I rarely do – in King James, God was giving himself a Rusty Trombone.
- And as you’re slogging through this thing, once in a while you get shit like Psalm 78, which is five Psalms long and basically rehashed all the highlights from Exodus through Second Samuel.
- But here and there you’ll come across a nugget of gold. Like verse 81:10 where god says to the Jews, “Open your mouths and I shall fill them…” and then starts talking about them sucking up his dripping honey. We’re all adults here. You hear milk and honey … You think arcing ropes of jism. God made us this way.
- Then you get a whole bunch of “when are you gonna get around to incinerating my enemies, god?” to wrap up book three.
- I was actually pretty fond of Psalm 89, which says, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Dear god, pretty sure you fucked up the last couple years of earth. Feel free to take a mulligan.”
- Part Four:
- And then there’s book four, which is just more kissing of the holy holey.
- And these fucking poems… when did the bible turn into a recently dumped highschool girl? “You want to read some of my poems?” “Of fucking course I don’t! Nobody ever honestly answered ‘yes’ to the question ‘Do you want to read some of my poems’!”
- But at least teenage girl poems have some important themes like slitting your wrists or getting finger fucked. These ones are all about how Jews are invincible and god is such a snappy dresser. Yeah I’d love to hear those, but maybe I can read the new unedited manuscript of that novel you’ve been working on, right here on the spot. And then you can play us that song on guitar you’re halfway through writing. And then the poems, right after that.
- Right, so moving on, we get another generous helping of “Hey god, did you notice how much more moral I was being than everybody else? That’s because they all suck and need a good smiting.”
- And I thought Psalm 96 was an interesting one. It basically says that god is great and he knows everything… but we still have to remind him how awesome he is constantly.
- Yes and in the following Psalm I believe we learn that if you have the right Poke-Ball, god can breathe fire, which is a pretty cool trick.
- Put perhaps my favorite of all of them was Psalm 101 which says, and again, paraphrasing here, but it basically says “God is peace and love and justice and I’ll kill any motherfucker who disagrees.”
- And you thought the Muslims made that shit up. Just another Jewish cover band like the Christians.
- Part Five:
- And then you mercifully get to Part Five and you’ve been through so much that you think it’s almost over… but you forget that just this part of this book is basically the length of Exodus.
- And it starts off right, with a Psalm that reminds us that if you starve or rot in prison or get sick and die or drown… it’s because god hates you and you’re evil.
- And we keep getting all the mixed messages. Like take Psalm 111 for example. It tells us that the lord is forgiving and trustworthy and infinitely just… and because of that, you should be scared shitless of him.
- Yeah, that’s something of a running theme in this book.
- But Psalms also has my favorite thing in the bible so far… the middle. Psalm 118 is the midway point so we’re definitely getting somewhere.
- And interestingly enough it’s sandwiched between Psalm 117, which is the shortest chapter in the entire bible, and Psalm 119, which is the longest chapter. And believe me, this meaningless coincidence has been the subject of billions of words worth of religiotic babbling.
- And 119 was clearly written by a 5-year-old learning the Hebrew alphabet with an acrostic poem.
- One of our listeners said on Facebook that he actually had to memorize that motherfucker in school. 3 pages of divine felatio… What a waste.
- I think it’s interesting that in Psalm 122 they specifically call for peace in Jerusalem. So… Jews and Christians have been praying for this for how many millennia now? And they still haven’t given up on praying?
- Seems clear that this god dude is a slacker.
- Yes, but as Psalm 123 explains at length, as much of a pathetic fuck up as god is, you’re even worse.
- And was it just me or was there a ton of thanking god for the wrong shit? Like in 126 where they thank god for no longer requiring them to be enslaved. Thanks for not hitting me in the dick with that weed eater again! Thanks for not fucking me in the ass between each pump!
- Or 135, which basically says, “As evidence of god’s infinite compassion, I submit the following list of people he’s killed…”
- And, of course, we have to talk about the most notorious of all the Psalms, number 137.
- Which essentially says “If a foreigner asks you to sing them a psalm, you refuse. Non-Jews can’t hear Psalms. They can listen to them, but they can’t hear them.”
- It’s probably a good idea to have this Psalm at the ready, though, if you think about it. Just in case somebody captures you and tells you to sing a song, it’s nice to have a song at the ready about not wanting to sing songs for your captors and smashing their children’s skulls. That’s just prudence.
- Not many songs about smashing baby skulls these days.
- A lost art, indeed.
- Then we get a bunch more “Have you ever met a starving kid in Africa? Bunch of assholes. Quit blaming god” type Psalms, and it draws to an overdue but merciful close.
And thus ends the longest book in the Bible and the only legitimate competitor to Vogon poetry. Next up is Proverbs which is still stupid long but it’s gonna seem like a cakewalk compared to Psalms.
Getting baptized by Sarah Palin would seem like a cakewalk after Psalms.
Yep. So no Bible for the next three weeks. Between now and then I’m just gonna read Billy Collins until my eyes hurt.
Thanks for soldiering through it, guys. Halfway and then some.
Aww, Only halfway? ( Shit.)
Halftime Score: Jews 1, Christians and Muslims 0
Outro:
Before we settle the tab tonight, I wanted to throw a huge thanks out to all the listeners that made it out to ReasonCon last weekend. It was our first chance to actually hang out with our audience a bit and it turns out we’ve got a hell of an audience. Thanks so much for making it an unforgettable weekend. Too many people to thank by name… and I’d probably fuck up and leave someone out… so just in general, thanks a ton. Really meant the world to us that so many of you were able to make it.
I also wanted to thank Paul from the Quranify Me Podcast for inviting me to take part in a skit he did for his show. Tom and Cecil, Adam Reakes and me all popped in for a few minutes and I believe you can hear that on his most recent episode. I’ll link to it in the shownotes.
Obviously, I need to thank Bobby C from the No Religion Required Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. I hate to admit that I still haven’t had a chance to check out his show, but I’ll be rectifying that today and with good reason. While we were at ReasonCon he caught some audio that was either one of the greatest moments in atheist podcasting history or we were all so shit-faced we just thought it was. What started off as a few minutes with Heath and I eventually turned into several hours with us, Cash and Love, Bill from Bar Room Atheists, Tracie Harris from The Atheist Experience, Dr. Richard Carrier, “Year Without God” pastor Ryan Bell… along with a dozen other hilarious drunken atheists. Not sure how good the audio quality will be, but if it’s even remotely good it will be well worth your time to check it out. If nothing else, it includes Heath and Cash competing for the most off-color abortion joke so that should be enough to get you there.
LINK TO NO RELIGION REQUIRED PODCAST
Speaking of Heath, need to thank him once more for all he does both on and off the air. Need to thank Lucinda for toughing it out all the way through Psalms. And speaking of Psalms, I also want to thank all our Twitter followers for all the words of encouragement during my one hundred and fifty hour Psalm-a-thon last week. Happy to have that over and done with. Thanks to everybody who favorites or retweeted or responded or whatever.
But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most honorable hominids; Robert, Andrew, John, Mark, Kilburn State Records, Shane, Eric with a C, Robives (dot) com, Don, Daniel, Jonathan, Robert, Nicholas, Scott, Liam, Erik with a K and Steven. Robert, Andrew, John and Mark, whose erections give railroad crossing arms feelings of inadequacy; Kilburn State Records and Robives (dot) com, which would have made the list if it was the Fortune 502; Shane, Eric with a C, Don and Daniel; whose archery skills are too much for even the nimblest of neutrinos; Jonathan, Robert and Nicholas, who aren’t the droids you’re looking for; and Scott, Liam, Erik with a K and Steven, who make Mother Teresa look like a miserable bitch and not just because Mother Teresa really was a miserable bitch.
These seventeen people and companies (which are also people according to certain Republicans) have helped secure the sanity of coming generations this week by giving us money. Giving us money is a noble, selfless pursuit that was often used as a test of bravery by native American tribes. It also inoculates against alien abduction, witchcraft and the stupid thing where people think WiFi is nuking their brains. And it helps us keep doing the show.
And if you donate at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist where, for as little as one dollar per episode, you can get extended cuts of each episode before the show is available to the general public. And for as little as more than one dollar an episode, you can get other bonus shit, too. So definitely check that out.
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If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Now With 25% More Jesus
by Noah Lugeons
It’s been almost a decade since I lived in the deep south. It hasn’t changed but I’m discovering quickly that I have. I suppose the pro-Jesus stickers on the shop windows and the biblical passages on the newspaper and the Christ-praise on the menu board and the “Christian Owned” notes on the print ads were there the whole time. And I’m sure I noticed them before. But I don’t recall them pissing me off quite so much.
I’m seeing them everywhere now. Every fourth business I walk into makes it damn clear that they’re Christian. It’s a selling point for them: “Get your taxes done here because we love Jesus more than H&R Block!” And it must be effective or so many businesses wouldn’t be doing it. Sure, they lose my business when I see a big “Jesus Loves You” sticker next to the one that tells me that they accept Discover Card, but obviously I’m outweighed by the people who see the sign and say, “I’d rather support a Jesus-loving dry cleaner than a heathen one.”
But perhaps that view is hyper-capitalist. The bakers who sue for the right to refuse the money of gay customers might get some residual business from fellow bigots, but I doubt that’s the motivating factor. They’re doing it because they hate gay people and their bigotry trumps their desire to make money. If I told a business owner that I was going to take my business elsewhere because of the Jesus sign on the door, he or she would probably be happy to hear it. They would probably rather not cater to a godless spawn of the devil anyhow.
The exclusionary nature of faith somehow remains invisible to a vast swath of the faithful. They actually argue that religion (or more specifically their religion) encourages universal fraternity, fellowship, community, inclusivity… and then they build a wall between themselves and non-believers, members of different faiths, gays, women and the scientifically literate.
So far I’ve kept my mouth shut when I see these “Christian owned business” signs, but eventually I’m not going to be able to. I’ll go up to the proprietor and demand proof that he’s more Christian than the other barber. I’ll ask if he would sacrifice his son as a burnt offering to the lord if so commanded. I’ll ask if he would massacre babies in an armed conquest upon the lord’s decree. I’ll ask if he thinks women should be allowed to speak in public. And if he answers in the truly Christian way, I’ll point out that he’s a sociopathic fuck who shouldn’t be allowed to work with scissors.
Episode 44 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Warning: I took an Advil PM an hour ago so I can’t remember what I’m supposed to say, but Heath and Noah are gonna say fuck.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Jesus-themed Chinese Restaurant chain “Wok on Water”; from the team that brought you the delicious Jewish/Asian Fusion Cuisine Cho-Zen. Come in and try this week’s special, Peking of Kings Duck with Easter Egg Drop Soup.
Wok on Water: The masters of cruci-fried rice.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s December 19th
And Kickers and Defense shouldn’t count in fantasy football.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from bitterly frigid New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
-
We learn humans came on Earth via arcing ropes of panspermia.
-
We find out that reindeer games are more hockey than basketball,
-
And Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will join us to rescue a shred of dignity, after the Paul Walker necrophilia jokes.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
This past weekend Heath and I were playing each other in the semi-finals of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists; a fantasy league we play in with a bunch of other secular podcasters and bloggers. And I don’t just bring this up so that I have an excuse to mention that I trounced him and will face off against Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance in the Championship Game this weekend. There’s also a minor detail that clumsily segues into the point of this week’s diatribe.
So I’m watching Eddie Lacy lead an amazing comeback victory amid a burgeoning 24.3 point fantasy performance that would ultimately best Heath and end his fantasy season in crushing defeat and I’m doing so with a couple of friends. One of them is a nice enough guy, but he’s one of those athletic precog-wannabes that constantly says shit like, “Watch, this next one’s gonna be a touchdown”, or “I bet he throws an interception here”. He’s wrong as often as odds would suggest he would be but on the rare occasion that he gets one right, he starts planning his future as a psychic crime fighter.
And as I’m listening to Nostra-dumb-ass rattle off his predictions, I can’t help but think of all the easy parallels between that and religion. This tendency to take credit for shit you obviously had nothing to with even if it means willfully ignoring how often you’re wrong.
We talked about one of the micro-manifestation of this two weeks ago when I bitched for four minutes about athletes thanking god when they win and not sacrificing the appropriate number of bulls when they lose. Thanks for the win, Jesus, and sorry the desolate one got the best of you in the three consecutive losses that led to it. Thanks for the parking space, Jesus, and I’m sure you had a good reason for intentionally making me drive around SoHo for 20 minutes before you provided it.
And as much as it pisses me off to adopt the “good thing happened therefore god did it” attitude, it’s nothing compared to the equally common “good thing happened therefore Christians did it” attitude.
Consider it on the historical scale. There are plenty of Christians that will tell you the church led the charge to end slavery around the world. But they’ll conveniently leave out the fact that the church also led the opposition to the charge to end slavery around the world. They try to take credit for civil rights, for women’s suffrage for fuck’s sake. In fifty years they’ll be telling us how religion paved the way toward equality for gays.
But now dial it back a bit and consider it on the cultural scale. And I won’t have to reach too far to find my example. Consider all the “reason for the season” bullshit that pissed you off on Facebook this week. Consider the desperate attempts to claim authorship for all the various pagan celebrations that have survived and coalesced through societal evolution over the years and how jealously they guard their dominion over them.
I know the point’s been made plenty of times before, but none of the good parts of Christmas are Christian. The gifts, the lights, the tree, the mistletoe, the joy, the charity, the tinsel, the feasts, the family, the elvish reverse-burglar, the emotionally manipulative TV commercials, the caroling, the stars, the remote control helicopters… all of these things have non-Christian origins. And I’m willing to bet that if you keep all that shit and take out the Baby Jesus stuff and the guilt-induced church attendance, people wouldn’t stop celebrating Christmas. And if you took out the Pagan stuff it would be as popular as Epiphany or Ash Wednesday.
And as vociferously as they protest anytime somebody makes the claim that Christmas is a secular holiday, they don’t own it. They don’t have any claim to it. They don’t have a copyright on presents or Santa Claus or decorated trees. And while we’re at it, they don’t have exclusive claim to joy, forgiveness, happiness or goodwill. Hell, they don’t even have a monopoly on fictional guys with beards and magic powers that judge you morally and bestow gifts accordingly.
They started the war on Christmas when they stole in the first place. There’s nothing at all wrong with fighting back.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is first runner-up in the semi-final round of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to watch jealously as I compete for the title next week?
Fuck Justin Tucker.
In our lead story tonight, Judge Brian M. Cogan of the Federal District Court in Brooklyn has granted the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York a judicial prophylactic against the provision of the Affordable Care Act that would require they provide contraceptive care to the employees of their non-profit affiliates. Judge Cogan found that giving the church no right to dictate the lawful sexual behavior of people they tangentially employed would be a violation of the first amendment.
Will the insurance cover paper towels to clean up after you pull out?
No, I think that still counts. Keep in mind that nobody’s asking these bishops to buy condoms and distribute them to their employees. And nobody’s requiring that anybody buy or use contraceptives of any kind. They’re just requiring that employers provide healthcare that covers contraceptives without a co-pay; and not just because Satan loves rubbers. It’s also at least subtly influenced by the fact that contraceptives are way cheaper than pregnancies and all the good kinds of abortion.
Are you sure about the good abortions? How much could it possibly cost to get all these women one coat hanger each?!? The ones that work in the same office could even share.
Court sides with Archdiocese in contraception controversy: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/17/nyregion/new-york-archdiocese-wins-ruling-on-contraception.html?_r=0&adxnnl=1&rref=nyregion&hpw=&adxnnlx=1387310059-n3uEUr09A3o8ZSYIdyqc4A
And in “Panspermia” news . . . No I am not talking about the new stir-fry dish at “Wok on Water”. Nor am I speaking of the penalty for being a shitty customer at Pizza Hut. I’m talking about the the book by alleged ecologist Doctor Ellis Silver, entitled “Humans Are Not From Earth: A Scientific Evaluation of the Evidence”.
Oh, well if it says “scientific” right there in the title…
First reaction: Real scientists shouldn’t need to expressly announce in the title, that their studies are (quote) “scientific evaluations of evidence”. Those are the fucking rules already.
Yeah, it does have an “I swear I’m not lying” ring to it…
That being said, let’s take a look at some of Dr. Silver’s super-sciencey stuff . . . which he chose not to publish in scientific journals, because he wants to engender non-expert debate on the subject.
Of course…
So he had a bunch of theories, including “Humans just don’t feel at home on Earth”. But my favorite one is (quote) “The size of babies’ heads present a problem for women when giving birth” (end quote). So he’s saying, if women aren’t aliens, why don’t they have giant vaginas?!? … If anything, the problem isn’t small vaginas . . . It’s our huge penises. Can’t speak for everyone, but Irish Brothas be performin’ C-Sections. So apparently aliens from Alpha Centauri are smart enough to travel multiple lightyears between solar systems, but can’t manage to find a planet that matches their snatch size?!?
Interesting story selection, by the way. It sounds less like a story we would normally cover on the Scathing Atheist and more like a story Andy would have given you for the InKredulous podcast we recently guested on before switching you out to a different story at the last minute leaving you with a fully written story you didn’t need. Weird.
Panspermians looking to debunk Darwin: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2507377/Humans-NOT-come-Earth–sunburn-bad-backs-pain-labour-prove-expert-claims.html
And from the “I’m Dreaming of a White Christian” file, Fox News anchor and shrieking bobblehead Megyn Kelly offended people who are and are not white last week when she insisted that despite the perplexing historical and genealogical implications, Jesus was white. And as if trying to camouflage the stupidity of that claim amid the larger stupidity of another, she couched it as an example to bolster the claim that Santa Claus is also white.
Well he’s giving gifts to a whole bunch of different kids, in different houses on Christmas, so he sounds more like a black guy to me. Although he is a job creator, so it’s hard to say.
This tangent into xenophobic insanity came as a response to calls for some racial inclusivity in the Santa legend. After all [spoiler alert] Santa doesn’t actually exist, so why can’t we warm our children’s hearts with stories about black men breaking into their homes once a year?
How about a compromise? Santa can still be white, but the elves that work for him without compensation can be black. And instead of reindeer he can have Mexicans. Hold on, that makes no sense. The sweat-shop elves should be Mexican, and the reindeer should be black.
On Shizzle, on Nizzle, on T-Bone and Pookie…
But it’s a white dude naming the black sleigh slaves . . .
So like “On Toby, on Rupert, on Django … on Pookie.”
Jesus can say say cracker: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-brad-hirschfield/santa-is-white-really_b_4433624.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003 <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/13/the-unbearable-whiteness-of-being-megyn-kelly-jon-stewart-skewers-fox-news-caucasian-persuasion/ <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/12/tabula-reza-foxs-megyn-kelly-insists-jesus-was-a-white-guy-reza-aslan-responds/
And from the “So Many Holes, So Little Crime” file, Judge Clark Waddoups of the US District Court in Utah, ruled in favor of the polygamous family from the reality show “Sister Wives”, declaring a law against their plural marriages unconstitutional.
And the anti-gay-marriage lobby’s collective echo of “Told ya so!” could be heard throughout the country. “Next it’s gonna be them fellers what fuck sheep an’ stuff!”
The show documents the life of Kody Brown and his family of four wives and seventeen children. Clearly wanting to set me up for a “Big Love” joke, Brown is about 6’4″ – 250, and appears to like his women the same way, with matching feathered, blond, David Spade haircuts.
Yeah, if we’re just going by weight, marrying any one of these gals is polygamy.
So now that we’re on the subject of the vagina-heavy sexual exploits of these genius bigamist bastards,
I see where you’re going. 30 seconds on the clock … Mormon Porn Stars and Titles: GO!
Does it have to be shit porn, like last week?- Nevermind doesn’t matter: “8 Wives, 1 Cup”
No it doesn’t have to be shit porn, but if it did, I would lead off with Glenn Pecker starring in “Nobody Swallows Shit Like Mormons”
“Dry County Golden Showers”
Clit Romney in “Nymphos and Nephites”… a follow up to her 2009 hit “Laying the Lamanites”
Brigham Hung in “The Great Salty Lake”
Damn it. I was gonna go with the “Great Salt Lick” but now I have to change it. Um… How about “Polygamy, myself and Irene… and Cassandra and Judith and Sharon and Anne”?
Ted Bundy’s Magical Undies … That’s right: Serial killer extraordinaire Ted Bundy was a Mormon.
I’m surprised the momos don’t advertise that more… it would make them seem less like pansies. Okay, how about Tony “Big Bologna” Moroni in “Brides and Prejudice”?
“Missionary Position: Finger on the Front Buzzer” . . . And of course: “Missionary Position Number 2: Getting Pushy at the Rear Entrance”
Described by critics as a Polyga-must see. And of course, the homo-momo-erotic classic; Trey Park-it and Matt Blown present “The Book of More-Men”
Utah judge strikes down anti-polygamy law: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/12/14/21903224-federal-judge-strikes-down-key-parts-of-utahs-polygamy-law-in-sister-wives-ruling
So I guess we’ll close it quick before Heath realizes that recently deceased crappy actor Paul Walker was a Mormon and starts suggesting Mormon necrophilia porn titles…
The Recently Passed and the Curious?
Well, they do practice posthumous baptism so they do have experience moistening dead people.
And on that lovely image, we’ll close headlines for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will sit down with me for a much tamer conversation about the problems that young atheists face when openly declaring their disbelief.
Interview: Hemant Mehta
Link to Hemant’s Blog: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/
Link to Hemant’s Book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Young-Atheists-Survival-Guide/dp/1939221072
Link to Secular Student Alliance: http://www.secularstudents.org/
Link to Freedom From Religion Foundation: http://ffrf.org/
Link to Reddit/Atheism: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/
Outro:
Before we set up camp for the night, I wanted to remind everyone that if you hear this before the 21st, you still have time to nominate us for a Stitcher Award at Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com. You can nominate up to once per day and you can nominate us in multiple categories so we strongly suggest that you do that.
I also wanted to thank Cat and Mouse for giving Heath and I our first opportunity to actually meet a couple of our listeners. Probably a way bigger deal for us than it was for them so thanks for that and sorry for constantly looking over your shoulders to see how Le’Veon Bell was doing but hey, it’s the fantasy playoffs, you know?
I also need to thank Heath for being funny enough to get away with saying the shit he says. I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her lovely voice to open the show, I need to thank Hemant Mehta one more time and remind you that as good as the first half of that interview was, the second half is even better. And you have a week to read his book before you hear that, so if you want to do the homework, you’ll find a link to it and to his blog on the shownotes for this episode
And of course, I’ve got to thank Andy Wilson of the Merseyside Skeptics and the InKredulous Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for inviting Heath and me to join him on his incredibly hilarious show. Look for that episode coming in the very near future and look for a link on our Twitter feed and Facebook page as soon as said link is available.
http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/
But most of all tonight I need to thank this week’s most tremendous terrestrials, Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin. Jacqueline, whose sexual magnetism carries a court-ordered pacemaker warning; Ward, whose statuesque physique would be a frustratingly persuasive argument in favor of intelligent design; Bill, whose voice is so sexy it makes automated operator’s come; Tim, who chops through flaming, steel girders with his dick; Katja, whose genetic perfection is so absolute they’re renaming a nucleotide after her; Jeffrey, whose legendary swordsmanship and nautical notoriety are the reason so many pirates are missing an eye; Wolfgang, whose name would kick anybody else’s name’s ass in a fight except possibly Magnus and Benjamin, whose inevitable greatness is so palpable that statues have already been commissioned in advance of his world-altering accomplishments.
These eight elegant, admirable and accommodating altruists proved themselves in the only non-Jenga related way that matters this week by giving us money. Only the atheists that believe in god the least have the incredulity required to give us money, but if you think you share the superlative skepticism of Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help us out but you have kids and it’s December, you can help us a ton for free by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and telling a friend about the show. If you need more Scathe in your life you can find us on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and we have a blog and occasionally, there’s shit on that too.
If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 30 – Partial Transcript
(note: Transcript may contain parts that were edited out of the final episode due to time restraints)
Sponsor
This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of creationist-friendly grocery stores “Ray Comfort Foods”, where the vegetables are guaranteed to be divinely created in their present form, the canned goods are 100% abiogenesis free and there’s plenty of Jesus in our cheeses.
So shop at Ray Comfort Foods, because creationists do what they’re told.
And now, the Scathing Atheist
Intro:
It’s Thursday, it’s September 12th and it’s the 12th anniversary of Heath’s first 9-11 joke.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from sardonic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
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We’ll be compassionate enough to cut the story with all the childrens’ cancer jokes
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We’ll discover that there are levels of evil Pat Robertson can reach that would still surprise you,
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And Christian homophobes create a Christian version of something that was Christian to begin with.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe
I was twelve years old and my mom was talking to a couple of friends of hers about where they were when they learned that Kennedy got shot. One of the friends admitted that she couldn’t actually recall where she was and that freaked my mom right the fuck out. How could she not remember that moment?
Now, psychologists will tell you these so-called “flashpoint” memories are just as unreliable as most of our other memories, but I didn’t know that at the time and neither did my mom. It was simply unthinkable in her mind that somebody could have forgotten that moment. And that was simply unthinkable to me. I couldn’t comprehend of an event so potent that you’d be surprised when somebody failed to recall it precisely a quarter of a century later.
And I continued to not comprehend that for another thirteen years.
It’s damn hard to say that there was a silver lining to 9/11. I’ll have enough respect not to rank it on a scale of tragedy, but it was the most horrible example of humanity that I’ve ever had to witness. The emotional reaction that so many of us shared that day can’t be explained rationally. That colossal mix of anger, fear and impotence isn’t something I’d ever like to revisit.
But if there was a phoenix that rose from the ashes that day, it was the new-atheist movement. The four horsemen all cite the 9/11 attacks as the impetus to their vocal opposition to religion. Throughout the 90s we’d all been force fed the immutable dictum of cultural tolerance so faith was off limits. Sure, there were still plenty of atheists and there were still plenty of people bitching about the evils of religion, but after 9/11 those people were suddenly on TV. They were writing best sellers. They were suddenly being listened to. They had been right all along and it took a few airplanes crashing into a few buildings on live television for a lot of people to realize that.
Of course, references to 9/11 have fallen out of favor in the atheist movement. It’s become fashionable to rise above that type of rhetoric. I’ve seen a number of prominent atheists vehemently disavow the popular meme that reminds us that science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings, or the one that shows the twin towers standing stalwart above the words “Imagine no Religion”.
The platitude a la mode would tell us that the number of religious people who have flown airplanes into buildings is sufficiently eclipsed by the number of religious people who haven’t flown airplanes into buildings. It would be too simplistic to say “religion did it”, wouldn’t it? There were far more things contributing to the rationale of the suicide bombers on 9/11 than just the six dozen hotties they were about to deflower. So you can’t blame religion, can you?
And there’s a lot there that I’ll agree with. I’ll agree that the overwhelming majority of believers aren’t suicide bombers. And I’ll agree that it’s more complex than “religion did it”. And I’ll agree that there were other contributing factors. And even granting all that, I’ll still blame the shit out of religion.
Here’s the thing: convincing somebody to blow their self up is trickier than you think. Without divulging any of the details of why I know that, consider the most gullible person you know and ask yourself if you think you could convince them that blowing their self up would earn them a trip to a virgin-laden paradise. Tough, huh? Now imagine you had to do it without using religion.
No one person can do that. It would take indoctrination from birth. It would take total control of what the victim learned, what they read, what they watched. It would take institutions to make somebody believe anything so patently counterintuitive.
And it just so happens that we have institutions that were designed for exactly that purpose. Modern day religious apologists are fond of telling us that the religion of today is nothing like the barbaric faith at it’s roots and that’s true to a certain extent in certain parts of the world at certain times, but that doesn’t change the fact that the vehicle they’re driving was designed to make people do what they were told to do, even, nay especially, when it went against their own best interest.
If you take out the poverty or the nationalism or the charismatic recruiter, you could still get probably round up 19 guys willing to kill in the name of god. But if you take out the god your task becomes damn near impossible.
So call it hyperbolic if you want. I say if there was any lesson we could extract from that tragedy it’s that religious zealotry isn’t something we can afford to tolerate.
Headlines
Joining me for headlines tonight is cleverly introduced Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to participate in pre-headline banter?
Witty response, Noah.
Laughter, fading to witty retort, Heath.
Laughter indeed, Noah. I think I’ll exercise my optional additional witty rebuttal here, at which point you’ll probably add a rejoinde-
Rejoinder ending in half-ass segue.
In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has recalled its ambassador to the Dominican Republic amid allegations of being a naughty, naughty nuncio. Archbishop Josef Wesolowski was yanked off his post for getting his post yanked off and then winding up in the yankee post.
“Pope Franky Cranky About Wesolowski Lanky Crank Yanky Spanky Hanky Panky”
Surprised you didn’t get “skanky” in there. Rumors of the archbishop’s frisky business first arose in the Dominican press a few weeks ago and the ambassador was whisked away before you could say “official investigation”… or at least, before Dominican Attorney General Francisco Dominguez Brito could say “official investigation”.
We atheist podcasters could be foiled so easily, by clergy just not raping kids. We’d lose a big chunk of material there . . .
So if the intrinsic value of not raping kids isn’t enough, they should consider the strategic value. And as much as it would hurt our stellar ratings, I’d give away all this fame and podcast fortune,
if the church dialed down the rape even just a little.
Sounds fair to me. But instead, in yet another concerted effort to undercut their own “we-really-mean-it-this-time” charade, the Vatican has moved quickly and decisively to protect an Archbishop from prosecution for sex crimes AGAIN. With the ink on his new “get tough on child rapists” legislation still drying, Pope Sweet Frans-vestite winds up in the delicate position of explaining that when he said “get tough” he didn’t mean tough as in “subject to the same minimal legal standards as the rest of the world”.
When a senior official of an institution is caught covering up decades of child rape, there IS a classy way to handle it. And I think Joe Paterno showed us that classy way . . . And in case that was too subtle . . . I’m saying take a cue from Joe Pa and go die quickly.
Wesolowski, who was nomadic even for a child-raping Catholic official, had previously served in Africa, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and Denmark. But I’m sure he only started fucking kids in the DR.
Yeah lots of people don’t develop those kid-rapey instincts until later in life. Much like scotch, cock is an acquired taste. Best to start with ten-year-olds, then maybe move your way up to twelve and fifteen. Twenty-one isn’t worth the extra money.
And I know that officially I’m supposed to call him “alleged child rapist” or whatever, but fuck that and fuck him. The Vatican is going to make damn sure he’s only ever “alleged” child rapist so I’m gonna go ahead and call an unprecedented abrupt removal from a diplomatic post that exactly coincides with the opening of a sex-crimes investigation an admission of guilt and say this dude is a dirty child fucker. And if he doesn’t like it, he can come and get me. He’ll find me in a neutral nation with friendly extradition treaties with the Dominican Republic.
Do you think the court cases against these guys ever get settled by the victims raping them back. Like a “brown eye for a brown eye” type of deal?
Vatican withdraws Dominican ambassador quick before he has to face charges of child sex abuse: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/catholic-church-relieves-its-ambassador-in-dominican-republic-amid-official-investigation/2013/09/04/8dd3e8e0-15c6-11e3-961c-f22d3aaf19ab_story.html
And in “Not all the stories can be as light hearted as that last one” news tonight, a Bangladeshi court has indicted four atheist bloggers on charges of not properly cupping Mohammed’s balls and saying things that hurt Allah’s feelings. Because apparently Allah is a sissy god and can’t smite these dudes on his own.
Are there a lot of Bangladeshi citizens reading atheist blogs and Reddit posts all day, trying to really hash out their true feelings on the origins of the universe? Is that what they do between state-mandated early morning Muslim prayer, and state-mandated later early morning Muslim prayer?
Despite the Vonnegutian nature of arresting people for insulting a fictional character, the (air quote) “assailants” are facing as much as 14 years in prison after at least one of them already faced a brutal assassination attempt.
If you get 14 years for epistemological whistle blowing, what’s the penalty for attempted brutal assassination?
The indictments you were asking for, apparently.
This is like if Edward Snowden found out the CIA was spending millions of tax dollars to track Santa Claus throughout the Arctic . . .
And also chasing Carmen Sandiego from Berlin down to Belize.
I’d like to think we wouldn’t have jail time and water boards on the table in that situation.
Before moving on to any more of the details, I’d just like to say that I make a lot of jokes about how backwards and fucked up the US judicial system is, but all things considered, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of ‘Murica and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under whoever the fuck I’ve gotta say to not spend 14 years in prison, so help us baby-Jesus, Amen.
The accused, whose names I won’t butcher out of respect, have already spent three months in prison and are currently free on bail after pleading not guilty.
Prosecution by the Ministry of Silly Walks would be far less ridiculous.
4 Bangladeshi Bloggers indicted for being atheist bloggers: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/bangladesh-court-indicts-4-bloggers-for-allegedly-posting-derogatory-comments-about-islam/2013/09/08/8b05423c-1876-11e3-80ac-96205cacb45a_story.html?
And from the “It turns out there actually were worse things we could’ve done in Rwanda than nothing” file tonight, blathering idiot and perpetual first runner up in the crypt-keeper lookalike competition Pat Robertson is working hard to remind everyone that he’s not just a crazy, ranting, superstitious, senile old bigot; he’s also evil.
First place must have gone to Lisa Robin Kelly from “That 70’s Show”?
Well, …now.
But even slightly pre-mortem. And for those listeners playing in celebrity death pool fantasy leagues, she was 43 years old, so that’s 57 points for the predictably departed meth enthusiast, in standard formats.
And from celebrity death pool back to celebrity death-monger, a documentary titled “Mission Congo” recently premiered at the Toronto film festival and apparently it details how Pat Robertson used the suffering of the Rwandan people to perpetuate a scam almost as reprehensible as the whole Jesus thing.
It’s hard to tell who cured more cholera and dissentary in the refugee camps, because Doctors Without Borders was there at the same time as Pat Robertson’s preachers. That’s lots of doctors and lots of bibles, so . . . who’s to say?
According to filmmakers David Turner and Lara Zizic, it might be fewer bibles than you think. Robertson consistently exaggerated, distorted and misrepresented the extent of his charity’s work in Rwanda and used these lies and deceptions to bring in hundreds of millions of dollars, a very small percent of which actually wound up helping anyone but Pat Robertson.
It’s about now I’d normally compare him to a Bond villain, or a Die Hard villain . . .
But Pat Robertson is SO MUCH WORSE, because he’s actually a real person doing this shit in reality. He raised money from gullible rednecks in the American south, to finance bullshit humanitarian aid to Rwandan refugee camps, but actually diverted the planes to service his secret blood diamond company!!! All he’s missing is a disfiguring scar, and conspicuous red doomsday button that says DO NOT PRESS.
If anybody’s out there investing in “rapture button” technology…
And just to fit the bad guy stereotype perfectly, and get a three week timeshare on Secret Bad Guy Island, his covert African diamond mining company is owned through those “offshore accounts” they always use. I never understood those. Is the money hidden in the ocean? Why does offshore mean we can’t find these banks? Yes it’s offshore, but we all still know where Bermuda is.
Robertson denies these allegations and if you can’t trust the guy who said last week that gay people in San Francisco have secret rings with AIDS needles so they can infect straight people when they shake their fucking hands, congratulations, your brain still works.
Obviously a hoax . . . And if Pat Robertson had ever been to San Francisco, he would know that real gay people in San Francisco don’t shake hands . . . they dick bump.
Yeah but to be fair, the ring idea would work for that, too.
Pat Robertson accused of fraud: http://www.theguardian.com/film/2013/sep/05/mission-congo-pat-robertson-aid-rwanda
And protecting the rights of children to be stupid this week is the Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area who are fighting for the right of their children to be the most undereducated in the Florida public school system.
Muslims and Christians love to compete … I guess “Dumbest Kids in Florida” is a fitting battle for those two groups. We’re really talking about “Dumbest Adults in Florida” aren’t we? And that’s a competitive category. This is a state that was governed for eight years by a guy named Jeb.
This story revolves around a letter being circulated by said society that twists the shit out of Florida law to make schools think they’re under some obligation to let kids out of school whenever god tells them to. Titled “Religious Observance Early Dismissal Request Form”, the letter misrepresents several laws in an effort to excuse Muslim kids from school at 12:30pm to pray during a special holiday… called Friday.
What are we even talking about? How disruptive could it be for the three Muslim students in all of Florida to leave early on Friday?
And, as the group points out, education obviously isn’t as important as everyone makes it up to be or they couldn’t get away with the grammatically dubious moniker “Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area”.
This whole thing is suspicious though. Muslim families in Florida?!? There’s no normal Muslim family stubborn enough to settle in Florida. These are obviously deep sleeper cells.
Tampa Islamic group wants kids released early once a week to pray: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/islamic-society-of-tampa-bay-area-wants-schools-to-let-muslim-students-leave-class-hours-early-every-week/
And from the “Equal Opportunity Inequality” file tonight, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is begging for forgiveness from Jesus and people who really exist this week after sending out a controversial email that encouraged her congregation to try to look less black.
As in more Barack, less Michelle? Colored but not too colored?
No, Barack is still too black for her. The email in question actually said that the church should work to put it’s best foot forward and make sure that the people greeting parishioners on Sunday morning should only be the best people, by which she meant the white people. And don’t let the caucasian sounding name fool you, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is a sista.
I’d like to read a quote I made up, from the email:
“Our white workers will be at the front, and our workers of color will have a separate, but equally important job in the back of the house, much like a restaurant staff.”
Can’t imagine how that stirred up any trouble.
And while there is something of a silver lining in the realization that a black woman can hate the coloreds as well as any white man, I think we can all agree that it’s important that we continue to allow blacks in North Carolina to greet people outside of churches. Otherwise they’ll have nothing at all to do on election day.
Black Pastor apologized for insisting that only white people should greet parishioners: http://www.christianpost.com/news/im-sorry-pastor-begs-diverse-congregations-forgiveness-for-only-white-people-email-on-sunday-104106/
And in “We’ll just start our own universe and it’ll be way better than yours” news tonight the ongoing attempt to create a fully realized parallel reality for Christian children is one step closer to fruition this week with the announcement of the new queer-hatin’ alternative to the Boy Scouts, Trail Life USA.
The Brokeback Mountaineer issue strikes again.
Joining Christian versions of theme parks, museums, music, science, television, wikipedia, schools and Floridian Courthouses, this latest attempt to inculcate children with a Truman Show like inability to recognize that gays don’t have hooves and bifurcated tails is, of course, a response to the Boy Scouts recent partial backpedaling of it’s long standing official policy of demonizing an innocent segment of society.
Nothing says “The Boy Scouts of America no longer officially hates gays enough” . . . than starting your own all-male tent pitching squad.
Scheduled for official launch on precisely the day that the Boy Scouts start letting the homos in, Trail Life USA promises to be (quote) “stronger, safer and more principled in every way” and co-founder and head redneck John Stemberger went out of his way to use hairy testicled phrases like “masculine outdoor program” when describing the program and how totally heterosexual it will be.
I think as a country, we’re pumping out more than enough homophobic outdoorsmen, without any additional youth outreach programs. There’s an entire homophobic outdoorsmen genre on television. We have an entire swath of this country that is clever enough to see the amazing rhyme potential of hatin’ queers and lovin’ steers, but fails to see the irony of preferring livestock anus to human male anus.
New Alternative to Boy Scouts for queer-hatin’ rednecks: http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-values-based-alternative-to-boy-scouts-launched-104009/
And finally tonight, in felonious coconut news, a delinquent drupe was detained by detectives in the Maldives last week under suspicions that the tropical fruit was possessed by an evil wizard who intended to use the dark coconut arts to influence an upcoming election.
I’m not sure how we could possibly mock religion here, but you were saying “evil coconut wizard” . . . go ahead.
The story begins, as magical coconut stories often do, when a concerned citizen noticed the suspicious brown orb outside a local school that was designated as an upcoming polling station.
Can a brown orb that is – in fact – a coconut, be suspicious in a country that has palm trees and coconuts everywhere?
Well, either it was noteworthy or this weird ass is just taken to closely examining the scattered fruits he comes across One way of the other, he noticed that a Koranic verse was etched into it, meaning it could only be the work of a malicious sorcerer.
Or maybe one of the 100% of citizens that are Muslim, have Korans lying around, and have easy access to brown orbs.
He contacted authorities who inexplicably did not tell him to fuck off and instead investigated the coconut and according to the terminology in every news report we could dig up, the coconut was… arrested.
Textbook profiling of an infidel spy. Brown on the outside, white on the inside.
A local wizard was summoned by the police to determine the exact mystical properties of the suspect and to counteract its evil powers. Because apparently Maldivians are idiots. And before we get a bunch of emails about it, yes, Maldivian is the correct demonym.
And yes, “idiots” meaning “stupid people that believe in voodoo coconut election fraud” . . .
And I can’t believe we didn’t mention this yet, but how does election fraud make any fucking difference in a theocracy?!?
Fraudulent by definition.
Curse-carrying coconut arrested in the Maldives: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/a-coconut-is-messing-up-this-countrys-elections/
That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks again for joining me.
And when we come back, we’ll be doing that bit you were really looking forward to.
Song
For the sake of your survival, you should really read the bible,
It’s the only moral guide you’ll ever need;
Think you found a contradiction? You must suffer some affliction,
Cause there ain’t no fucking fiction there to read.
For the sake of your salvation, believe in Biblical creation,
Learn these Jewish incantations, learn them well.
Why go through life just guessin’, when the bible teaches lessons,
Like the fabrics you can dress in; to bypass hell.
Well… God wrote that he wrote it. Inside that’s clearly noted.
Just ask yourself, why would he lie?
God said that he said it. Don’t you ever forget it.
Can’t be refuted so don’t try.
For the sake of your society, you really should try piety,
It cloaks your improprieties, we swear.
We’ll accept your sinful vices, and my only real advice is,
If you put your life in Christ, you’re in the clear.
Don’t forget the basics, like the fact that god’s a racist,
And it’s okay if you’re a rapist, if you pay.
If you’ve committed genocide, it’s possibly justified,
If god hates the folks who died, it’s all okay.
The most immoral bastard, gets forgiven if he ask for,
A quick favor from his master in a jam.
What’s that? You’re no believer? Then gimme that book and leave, sir.
And if I seem a little eager; it’s cause I am.
After all…
God insists he insists it. I’m not sure how you missed it.
Don’t see how that’s difficult to buy.
God revealed he revealed it, so I figured that sealed it.
Can’t be refuted so don’t try.
God claimed that he claimed it. All this time he’s maintained it.
You keep debatin’, but I don’t know why.
God declared he declares it, and he swore that he swears it,
Can’t be refuted so don’t try.
Feedback
Now it’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show where we hope other people will write funny shit that we’ll tangentially get credit for and act as though we have some kind of expertise or special knowledge that qualifies us to answer questions.
So our first email comes from Milton in New Jersey City and he asks:
When is it okay to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?
Any time after 3pm and all day Sunday
And to clarify, any time is OKAY. I think he means, “When is it BEST to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?”
Right. And I think it’s worth noting that Heath and I have pretty lax personal “Go fuck yourself” thresholds even for New Yorkers so I’m saying it’s okay any time you’re saying to yourself, “I’m done talking to this Christian and I have no interest in eventually having sex with them.”
Our next comment comes from the blog. Ken loves the show but offered a not-exactly-correction to our story in episode 29 about the Salvation Army attending a South African Porn Convention to (quote) “be available”.
Ken points out that the Salvation Army often goes to these types of events to be available for potential victims of sex trafficking and abuse, which, we didn’t mention because we were busy making apartheid dick jokes.
And it’s probably a good thing that we didn’t know about that angle. We clearly would have made sex slave rape jokes that were way worse than mere apartheid dick jokes.
Also, I don’t recommend using our notoriously dick-joke-laden headlines segment as a single source news program.
Our next email comes to us all the way from wherever Brandon is from. And Brandon writes us to ask what he can do about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that keep showing up at his door.
Hm… great question. My first thought on this one requires a wheelbarrow, a holocaust cloak and Andre the Giant but he’s dead so that won’t work.
“Do I want some literature about Jesus? No. But do you want some weed?”
I find that wearing nothing but a necktie when you come to the door works with varying levels of success depending on what you tie it around.
Sometimes I like to lower a basket down from the second floor window, and yell “It puts the propaganda in the basket!!!” Then they get the hose regardless.
Okay, so here’s my serious answer. I say you invite ‘em in, get ‘em a drink and let them give you the whole spiel for their little cult. But the whole time have this episode playing on the stereo in the background. Make sure it’s loud enough that they can hear it the whole time, but not loud enough to drown them out.
Until you reach this part. And then you turn it up really loud so that they know that you’ve been fucking with them the whole time and delaying them from spreading their filthy virus to anyone else while you made them listen to the Bible song. And if they’re still in the room they can hear me tell them to go fuck themselves while they’re gathering up all their Jesus stuff.
And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, send us more questions.
You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Outro
Before we lock it up for the night I wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s show. If you were looking for the interview I did on the A Matter of Doubt Podcast and were surprised to discover that I was actually ex-Jehovah’s Witness Kenny Wyland, that’s because I fucked up the episode number. I said episode 54, but it was actually episode 56 that you wanted. Not that episode 54 didn’t kick ass or anything, I just wasn’t on it.
http://www.amatterofdoubt.com/podcasts/ep-56-noah-lugeons-the-scathing-atheist/
And if you were looking for the live broadcast I did on CWebb’s Sunday School, well, sorry about that, too. An hour after I published the episode I learned that the time had been pushed back from 5 to 4:30. Sorry if you missed it live; it was a fun panel discussion on the biblical prophecies surrounding the destruction of Damascus. It’s on CWebb’s archives now if you’d like to catch up. You’ll find a link in the shownotes, of course.
http://cwebbssundayschool.com/bonus-the-end-is-near-or-is-it/
And because I’m apparently a total podcast whore, you’ll also be able to catch me on the extremely funny Imaginary Friend Show with Jake Farr-Wharton in the next few days. I believe the episode will be up this weekend and as soon as I know the date, I’ll be posting it on our Facebook page, our blog and our Twitter feed, all of which you should probably follow just in case.
Can’t close the show without thanking Heath for everything he does to make this show have Heath in it. I also need to thank Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for providing this week’s embellished Farnsworth quote. He’s a rising star in the podcast community and if you check his show out you’ll find out why. Can’t recommend it enough if you haven’t heard him already. And if you’re presently kicking yourself for that oversight, calm down, you’ll find a link to his show in the show notes for this episode.
http://www.herdmentalitypodcast.com/
I also need to thank Heath’s roommate for our kick ass new logo. We’ll be setting up a Cafe Press site this week if you’re dying to get a customized Scathing Atheist T-Shirt, coffee mug, iPhone cover, whatever. That stuff should be available no later than Sunday so there’s plenty of time to do all your Jesus-Day shopping right there.
And lastly, of course, I need to thank this week’s most shining examples of humanity, Kevin, Richard, Brian, Andrew and Magnus. Kevin, who once defeated the devil himself in arm-wrestling and scrabble at the same time, with the same hand; Richard, a man whose bravery and intelligence redefines redefinition; Brian, who shall rescue humanity in it’s darkest hour atop his mighty steed, Poof the Fabulous Dragon; Andrew whose army of robot spiders and amazon love warriors are the envy of supervillains everywhere; and Magnus whose name is so fucking cool that I don’t have to add any imaginative descriptors to increase the perception of his awesomeness.
These five noble philanthropists have conquered the final task in their path to glorification by giving us money. Not everyone has the gallantry, luminosity and sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help but you only love us as a friend, you can also show your appreciation and help us out a ton by swinging over to iTunes and leaving us a glowing review. We really appreciate everybody who takes the time to stroke our ego and help our iTunes ranking. You can also help us out by telling your friends about the show or sharing an episode on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.
Oh, and listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
The Scathing Atheist 