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Episode 65 Partial Transcript

May 15, 2014 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints

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Warning: Lucinda isn’t feeling quite up to recording so this episode won’t even have that typical shred of innocence.

 

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s May 15th,

And Johnny Football gets media attention for taking a shit. Imagine if he takes the Browns to the Super Bowl.

I only have so much imagination.  I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “A black guy, a Puerto Rican, and Jew walk into a bar” New York, New York,

And “Oh hell no they don’t” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • We’ll discuss Noah’s rash,
  • A Tennessee college will stand up for cousin-fucking,
  • And Cash from Atheists on Air will join us for a ReasonCon-versation.

But first, the diatribe.

 

Diatribe:

I get this message on the Scathing Atheist Facebook page the other day.  It’s from a Catholic dude who’s going way out of his way to be an asshole politely.  The message asks if we support “free speech” on our page, because he would like to politely hop on the page and politely counter some of the arguments that are being made.

Now, this struck me as odd because there’s really no argumentation on our Facebook page.  I mean… did he want to dispute the fact that the show notes and transcripts for episode 64 were available?  Did he want to refute the fact that we would be interviewing Cash from Atheist on Air this week?  Did he want to disagree that I was finally done reading Psalms?

So I responded with an analogy I was proud of; it was one that I thought succinctly made my point in a language he could understand without being rude.  I said, “suppose your church put up a Facebook page where you coordinated the bake sale and posted upcoming mixers and stuff.  How polite would the atheist that came on the page to dispute the existence of god have to be before you wouldn’t think he was being an asshole?”

I went on to explain the debating religion isn’t really the purpose of our Facebook page.  We maintain it to keep our audience up to speed with what’s going on with the show; I use it to share information on atheist events or share new stories that I think our audience will find interesting.  That being said, there are no shortage of Facebook pages set up specifically for atheists and theists to debate.  I offered a few links and told him to knock himself out.

I even went on to say that he was, of course, perfectly welcome to post anything he wants on our Facebook page, but I warned him that he may not get polite, respectful responses.

I thought it was a good answer.  I thought, for some reason, that he might realize that not every atheist venue is designed to engage religious people… some of them are for atheists.  But apparently he missed all the words but one.  I wrote three paragraphs of explanation, but all he saw was that I used the “a-hole word”.

So rather than engaging me on any of the points I made, he sends a follow up message where he politely psychoanalyzes me and the anger issues that drive me to use naughty words so much.  He admitted that sometimes he (and I quote) “uses the F word and regrets it”, but only when he’s really, really angry.  So why was I so angry at god?

And if you follow us on Facebook, you may have already seen my response, but if you haven’t, it went a little something like this:

Dear Polite Asshole (except I actually used his name),

I should start off by pointing out that your idiosyncratic aversion to profanity is of absolutely no concern to me. If you strictly use “fuck” as an expression of anger, you’ve obviously overlooked the multifaceted utility of this wonderful syllable. I use the word “fuck” for a variety of reasons and an expression of anger is only one of them. Often I use it because (when you’re not dealing with people who are irrationally prudish) it gives the discussion an air of informality that allows it to be more familial. This is probably not true for most practicing Catholics, but as neither my show nor its ancillary Facebook Page is for practicing Catholics, I am under no obligation to give a shit.

Additionally, I often I use the word “fuck” because it has a vulgar explanatory power that no other word has. If I were to refer to the systematic rape and torture and consequent global cover-up that you financially supported by giving to the Catholic church, for example, I could refer to it as “child molestation” but that has such a clinical feel to it. It fails to have the emotional impact of “child fucking”. When discussing such horrors, I feel obligated to do so in a way that doesn’t sugar coat it.

But it’s true that I also use “fuck” as an expression of anger. When, for example, you hear from a person who has funded a worldwide cabal of child rapists that thinks he deserves an explanation for filthy language on the internet, it is tempting to tell that person to go fuck themselves. Any lesser expression would fail to properly encapsulate the aversion I have to such petty nonsense.

Respectfully, Noah

So once more, to any masochistic theist who is listening; you’re an uninvited vegan at a barbecue.  Eat some chips and shut the fuck up.

 

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the Rush Limbaugh of good, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready for some justified assholery?

Right – I’m a bigot, but for the left.

Annie Hall reference for the win.

In our lead story tonight, in “Goodell Without God” news, despite the best efforts of an allegedly omnipotent being, this year’s NFL draft made the league less Christian, and more openly gay.  For many Amyrrhicans, it might as well be soccer at this point.

And for our British listeners, soccer is what we call that sport you guys pretend is hardcore even though you don’t need any padding to play it.  And for our Australian listeners, think Australian rules football only it makes sense and Colonel Sanders isn’t there.

This story has two parts: First, we have San Diego State running back Adam Muema, who skipped this year’s scouting combine at the last second because he was (quote) “following God” (end quote).  Muema claims God told him that if he skipped the event, he would definitely get drafted by the Seattle Seahawks.  Turns out a bunch of players – even Christian ones, oddly enough – did show up for the combine, so he obviously went undrafted.

He must have received his divine instructions out of context.

On the other side of the coin – the tails side I guess – we have former Missouri defensive end (he’s a power bottom) Michael Sam, who is now a St. Louis Ram, and the first openly gay player in the NFL.  I especially enjoyed that in the process, Sam made millions of Christians squirm with bigotry when he kissed his boyfriend on national television after being drafted.   Many congratulations are in order here …

Most of all to the Rams head office.  Because anybody could have drafted him, but only the Packers and Browns would have offered up an easier slate of buttsex jokes.  So go Rams.

And congrats for taking a roster spot from Adam Muema, who tweeted about talks with the Rams pre-draft.  And most importantly, congrats for ensuring that the first openly gay player is a Rams Defensive End!!!  You can’t make this shit up!!!  The only way this gets better, is if he moves to the other side of the ball, and learns to play tight end.

God’s #1 pick still on waiver wire: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/10/nfl-prospect-who-skipped-out-on-scouting-combine-because-god-told-him-to-doesnt-get-drafted

And in “Exiting two by two” news tonight, a Christian college in Dayton, Tennessee has lost nearly a quarter of its full-time professors in the last couple of months after the board of trustees insisted on glorifying incest.  Faculty at Bryan College…

…”Go Lions”…

… were responding to a recent update to the school’s statement of belief, which added an assertion that (quote) “Adam and Eve were historical people that were not created from previously existing lifeforms” (end quote)

“Have we ever observed evidence of Adam or Eve?  No.  But like I said, they’re not observational people …  They’re historical people.”

School president Stephen Livesay insists that these minor “just how seriously do we want to pretend to take this doctrinal horse shit?” type dust ups are common in Christian Colleges, oblivious to the mathematical result of repeatedly losing a quarter of one’s faculty.

How much faculty do they need to study 2 books?!?  And you know they skim over Psalms.

Students have joined in the protest by signing petitions, writing letters to the board of trustees and wearing black armbands.  Their message is clear, “We want some true stuff sprinkled in with the wacky bullshit we want you to teach us.”

Christian college loses nearly a quarter of it’s professors after insisting on biblical literalism: http://www.timesnews.net/article/9076475/bryan-college-losing-nearly-25-of-faculty-after-adam-and-eve-controversy

And from the “Clergymen in Black” file, Pope Franetarium finally weighed in on whether Catholics should splash Martian space travelers with heaven water, if said aliens sprung to existence, came to Earth, and asked nicely.  And yes, they should.

I mean, sure, this sounds silly, but promising to baptize Martians might be the most substantive thing he’s done in his pontificate.

Along with letting atheists apply for Catholic heaven … Apparently the Pope isn’t the first church official to consider hydro-fracking souls on other planets.  Vatican scientist Guy Consolmagno made a similar suggestion about baptizing aliens in 2010.  But let’s just pump the brakes here … There’s something called “Vatican Scientist”?!?  What’s this guy been doing all this time?!?

Here’s my guess.  Day one they sit him down and say, “justify transubstantiation with your fancy science words.”  Like a Manhattan project of futility there.  Bunch of brilliant scientists that didn’t read the fine print on the employment contract.

So here’s a real statement from the Pope: (quote) “If – for example – tomorrow an expedition of Martians came […] Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them … [Just like vaguely racist children paint them] … And one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?” (end quote) … They would bathe those green men, is what would happen!  Useless counterfactual parsed!  We are Catholicism! Good night Vatican City!

Pope Francis would baptize martians: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/12/pope-francis-aliens_n_5310935.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “What about the Father and the Holy Ghost of Sam?” news tonight, Jesus has forgiven the slightly infamous underachieving serial killer David Berkowitz for murdering the same number of people in his entire serial killing career as die every year from fatigue.

Son of Sam, one one hundredth as dangerous as auto-erotic asphyxiation.

So despite being an unrepentant murderer, and such a crappy one that more that half of his victims survived, Berkowitz was able to exploit the little known loophole in Christianity known as the “we’ll take whoever we can get at this point contingency” and earned his way into Heaven.  Me? Still going to hell.  Son of Sam?  Golden-fucking-ticket.  Great theology you guys have going there, by the way.

Just reinforces the terrible message that everyone should be working the Saint Augustine strategy … Which goes something like, “Lord: Grant me chastity and virtue, but not just yet.”  Just let me finish this murder spree, and then I promise I’ll get all saved up, right after that.

Berkowitz explained his application of apostolic white-out this week while being denied parole for his feeble little serial killer career.  And I’m sorry to keep talking up what a crappy serial killer he is, but I think New Yorkers need to hear this shit.  He’s ranked right up there with such well known serial killers as Robert Berdella and some crazy chick that killed her family.  And you guys were scared shitless of this dude for a whole year.  Seattle’s had seven Son of Sam’s in the last three weeks or something and they aren’t pussing out about it.

It was probably that thug Richard Sherman … And like 6 other guys.

Son of Sam claims Jesus has forgiven him: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/13/son-of-sam_n_5314336.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion

And in “Blue Waffle Ridge” news, school offi- (Google that by the way) School officials at Blue Ridge High School in Greenville, South Carolina decided to censor a painting by senior Tracie Holtzclaw entitled Rape Culture, removing it from the district art exhibition two days prior to the event.  The student artist is a victim of rape herself, and says that the piece explores frustration with the reaction of her Christian community, most of whom told her she was probably dressing too slutty.

Well the painting was kind of asking to be force fucked by a passing art patron.

Holtzclaw disputed the decision to remove the piece, and despite playing her permanent rape victim card that trumps everything, still no love … So what’s their problem with Rape Culture?

They seem okay with it when it’s not a painting…

Well, not only did the title have a scary word like ‘culture’, the painting of a topless, tattooed woman has a pre-censor bar painted over what the district assumes would have been a nipular side boob area.  And this particular brand of whimsy was a little too nuanced, even for the art historians and museum curators that run the censorship program in Greenville, South Carolina.

Proof that she kind of nailed the whole concept of “art” if you ask me.  I don’t know why people think “art” is so hard to define.  If it pisses off conservatives in Greenville, South Carolina and it isn’t a black person voting, it’s art.

Seems like at the very least, they could have allowed the piece, but with the word ‘rape’ blacked out.  (Or maybe hang a hijab over it.)  Or just call it Nonconsensual Attempted Fatherhood Culture that day … Or some other clever title that two offensive atheist assholes could come up with on the spot right now …

So 30 seconds on the clock … “Sexually Explicit Artwork Titles” … GO!!!

I wanna start with the Hymen Pop-Art master Glandy Warhol… hm… something about some soup… in the can… Shit, I pass…

Botticelli’s “Girth of Penis”

Same subject as the “Penis de Milo”… also known as Venus on the half-stock.  Cautionary piece on the dangers of repeated handjobs, I think.

With the arms falling off … That’s a highbrow lowbrow reference … Very hard to pull off … What about: “Permanent Scarry Night”?

That one’s by Unmarked Van Gogh, right?

Yeah same guy that did that famous mugshot of himself … “Self-Portrait of a Rapist as a Young Man”

Girl with a Pearl Necklace?

Generous lovers give you the necklace and the earrings … Was she wearing those when we walked into the museum earlier? … What about: “Dogs Playing Poker in the Rear”?

Little too highbrow for me.  How about the Arc de Triomphent Ropes of Jism.

Yeah better high brow than right in the eye … Black Snake Mona Lisa … You always notice that bored look in her eyes, no matter where you stand.

Two girls, one fur-lined teacup?  …two art history majors laughed out loud just now.

The Procreation of Adam … Touching portrait of the time God fingered his first man.

Should have called it “Adam squealing on the ceiling.”

Art show censorship in South Carolina schoolhttp://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/05/10/sc-teens-rpe-culture-artwork-reflecting-her-own-sexual-assault-banned-from-art-exhibit

And finally tonight, from the “Itchy Rash on my SCOTUS” file, Roanoke County Supervisor Al Bedrosian reminded everyone this week why the recent Supreme Court ruling regarding official prayers at government meetings is fucking stupid.  In the wake of the ruling he called for revisions to the county’s policies to ensure that only Christian prayers would be heard since, of course, his religion is the right one.

Which divergent sect of the right one is he, again?  Baptist?  Because someone recently told me very confidently that God was a Methodist.  And he sounded pretty sure.

Somebody’s full of shit…

At least one of them… maybe both…

In one of earth’s greatest examples to date of not getting it, Bedrosian promised to reject any non-Christian invocation, explaining that (quote) “That does not infringe on their freedom of religion.  The truth is you’re trying to infringe on my right, because I don’t believe that.” (end quote).  So yes, it is clear from that statement that Al Bedrosian actually thinks that the founders of this nation specifically meant freedom of Al Bedrosian’s religion.

So this was a preemptive strike against people praying for God to convert to Islam?  Which he thinks might have worked?

I think you’re giving him a lot of credit when you say “thinks”.

In wake of SCOTUS ruling, Virginia asshole promises Christian-only invocations: http://www.centerforinquiry.net/newsroom/cfi_warns_roanoke_supervisor_of_legal_action_if_christians-only_prayer_poli/

Well, I guess we’ll have to take a break from infringing on Al Bedrosian’s rights because that’s all we’ve got for headlines this week.  Heath, thanks as always.

Jew-Manji!

And when we come back, Cash from Atheists On Air will be here to talk about herding cats.

 

Outro:

Before we clock out for the night, I wanted to thank everybody who sent my wife well-wishes this week.  If you follow us on Facebook or Twitter you might know that the lovely Lucinda lost 4 ounces the hard way last week when she had her gallbladder removed.  She’s recovering nicely and all the love she got from all of you really made her smile when she had no other good reason to.  She’d be thanking you herself but she’s still a little dopey so on her behalf and mine, thanks a ton.  Too many to mention everybody by name, but specific thanks to Dee, Bill, Suzy, Deb and Vinny.  And then nonspecific thanks to a lot of other really awesome people.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight but we’ll be back in a hundred and sixty eight hours with more.  If you can’t wait that long, though, you can catch me on a recent episode of the Quranify Me podcast as well as an upcoming episode of “An American Atheist”, you’ll find a link to the former in this week’s shownotes and link to the latter on our Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus accounts as soon as it’s available.

Quranify Me Podcast

And speaking of awesome podcasts that’ll be linked on this week’s shownotes, another quick thanks to Cash for giving us a bit of his time.  If you haven’t checked out Atheists on Air yet, I highly recommend it.  Cash is hilarious, he gets great guests and because it’s a newer show, there’s a damn good chance you can chat with his guests live if you call in.  Anyway, he’s on blogtalkradio but you can also find him on this week’s shownotes.

Atheists on Air Podcast

And speaking of speaking of awesome podcast that’ll be linked on this week’s shownotes, I also need to thank David from the “My Book of Mormon” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  Basically giving the Book of Mormon the Thomas and the Bible (slash) Quranify Me treatment and doing it in a baritone that damn near makes me come; again, shownotes, links, et cetera.

My Book of Mormon Podcast

And at the risk of overthanking this week, I need to thank Heath for keeping the rape jokes classy.  I need to thank Lucinda, who should be back to her regular Scathing Atheist duties next week.  But most of all I need to thank this week’s best people, Shelly, Chuck13, Lawrence, Jamie, Donovan, Bill, Quinn, Vadim, Vinny, Ken, Jason, and Rizado.  Shelly, Chuck13 and Lawrence, who are so quick-witted their neuronal pathways have onramps; Jamie, Donovan and Bill, who are mild mannered by day, but ninja-cidal by night; Quinn, Vadim and Vinny, who saw and conquered before they came, which is better; and Ken, Jason and Rizado, whose erections will be the undoing of the Extenz Hose guy’s patent..

These twelve paragons of altruism have beaten back the forces of destitution that constantly threaten our noble effort to combine secularism with the finest in flatulent humor this week by giving us money.  Only those with the most impressive genitals and/or intellects have the genitals and/or intellect to give us money but if you think you’ve got the aforementioned genitals and/or intellect, you can make a per episode donation to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, whilst simultaneously scoring yourself some cool Scathing Atheist shit.

You can also make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you pick up our new book; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope” as an ebook or a paperback at Amazon (dot) com.

And you can also leave us a glowing review on iTunes because, shit, that’s free.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 64 – Partial Transcript

May 11, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints)

LINK TO SUPPORT US ON PATREON

LINK TO BUY THE BOOK (E-BOOK)

LINK TO BUY THE BOOK (PAPERBACK)

LINK TO EPISODE

 

Warning: It would take a lot more than Orbitz Gum to keep these guys from saying Fuck.

 

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Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Uni-Psalm: Official Sleeping Pills of the Old Testament

Were you tricked by an old book into being sober all the time?  Not allowed to jerk off and go to bed like a normal person?  Arbitrary rule against fucking your neighbor’s wife?  Try Uni-Psalm: The soporific power of 150 awful poems, concentrated into a single pill.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s May 8th,

And believe it or not, when black people play golf, they’re great chippers.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “De-Segregated Golf Club” New York, New York,

And “Deep Fat Friar’s Club” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • California students deny the holocaust, and support their thesis with examples of Jews.
  • We’ll knock out a whole episode in less time than it takes for an Oklahoman felon to die of a lethal injection,
  • And theologians are still stumped by issues surround pre-op tranny weddings.

But first, the diatribe.

 

Diatribe:

I’m gonna do my level best tonight not to just say “ReasonCon” over and over again for thirty minutes because DAMN what a good time.  Holy shit, all in one weekend, I get my first chance to hang out with our listeners, I get my first chance to hang out with other atheist podcasters in person, I get my ass handed to me in a debate with Tracie Harris, I get a private lecture on Hitler’s Table Talk monologues from Dr. Richard Carrier and I get to make masturbation jokes at the expense of a former pastor.

Okay, yes, I’m blatantly name-dropping and shamelessly bragging.  Sorry about that, but DAMN what a good time.  Holy shit what a good time.  Had a blast.

This was actually my first time going to an atheist convention.  I’ve been to some skeptical cons and some science cons and I’ve been to Comic Con and shit like that, and I’ve always had a great time.  But it’s nothing compared to the knowledge that at any moment I can actually just say what I’m thinking without first planning an evacuation route.  I can make the Jesus joke that occurs to me as it occurs to me.  Not something I’m used to experiencing in public.

But I don’t want to make the weekend seem like it was all open bars, captivating conversations, hedonistic debauchery and brilliant lectures.  There was way more to it than just that.  I got something while I was there that I needed.  Something I’ve never gotten before and probably couldn’t get anywhere else.

See, I was lucky when it came to religion.  My parents were nominally religious but they were okay with me exploring spirituality in any whacky way I chose.  I got beat up a few times for being a “devil wor’shupper” and I got ostracized by a few teachers for standing up for the First Amendment once in a while, but by and large I got through life with no religious scars.  I started this podcast because religion annoys me and it’s bullshit.  But that’s all it was for me; an intellectual annoyance.

And sure, I’m aware of the real victims of religion.  I’m aware of the oppressed women and the abused kids and the sexually dysfunctional adults and the estranged children and the suicidal gays and the destitute marks, but I’ve never met them.  I’ve never spoken with them.  I’ve never looked into their eyes while they told me those stories.

This weekend I met Phoebe; an amazing young woman who is somehow filled with confidence and strength despite being dragged from one sexist cult to another through her youth.  I met Derrick, whose mother hasn’t returned a message from him for three years because she’s so ashamed to have raised an atheist.  I met Chris who spent years contemplating suicide because he couldn’t stop jerking off.  I met Ryan whose stepfather couldn’t possibly have been abusing him and his brother the way he claimed because his stepfather was a good Christian man.  I met Bobby whose father sexually abused him and used the Bible to justify it.

But the crimes of religion aren’t always so grandiose and they don’t have to be.  Because I also met Ben, who was a well-adjusted, super-bright dude that almost gave up on his Chemistry major to pursue a career in pretending that space-Jesus was for real.  He thought better of it, but he told me about a friend who didn’t.  A bright, promising mind foregoing scientific advancement in favor of promoting ignorance.

Now don’t get me wrong here.  I don’t think pursuing theology or biblical studies is necessarily a waste.  I also met Richard Carrier this weekend and I’m damn glad he’s devoted his brilliance to examining the Bible.  Every pursuit has value as long as it’s as the pursuit is honest.  But what is the societal cost when intelligent people devote themselves to perpetuating a lie?  How many chemists do we lose?  How many doctors or biologists or engineers never got to do anything useful because they were busy turning crackers into zombified Jew-flesh?

Every college degree in divinity is a college degree in not-something-else.  Every church is taking up space that could be used for a not-church.  Every pastor who pounds a pulpit could be hammering a fucking nail.  It’s silly to pretend that society doesn’t pay for this shit.  Every time you see a nice church surrounded by shitty houses, you’re looking at the societal cost.  Every time you see a wealthy preacher next to a struggling teacher, you’re looking at that cost.

And if you ever feel like you’ve seen it so many times your eyes have grown numb to it, I suggest hitting up an atheist convention.  From what I understand, they have a way of opening eyes.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is escaped ReAsonConvict, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to regale us with tales from the event?

ReAsonCon in Hickory, North Carolina was the real deal!!!  Plenty of free-range, locally-sourced, Hickory-smoked baby bacon.  The best pork comes straight from the stork!!!  MMMM GODLESS BITCHES!!!  Big thanks to the everyone involved, including the dedicated, talented, and hilarious hosts of Atheists on Air … Cash and Love!!!

Along with Gene and everybody else from Hickory Humanists… It was a phenomenally awesome time, which was good, because I needed all the pre-existing good mood I could get when I woke up Monday and read our lead story for the week.  Normally I’d try to write some witty headline to describe it or something, but I really don’t think I could do better than Andy Borowitz from the New Yorker, so in our lead story tonight “In Landmark Decision, Supreme Court Strikes Down Main Reason Country Was Started.”

Or in other words: “Roberts Court digs up James Madison’s grave and shits in his mouth.”

Okay, yeah… that was better than Borowitz.  And of course we’re talking about the controversial 5-4 decision that upheld the right of the Town of Greece, New York to wrap the Bill of Rights around a pile of dog shit and then light it on fire and leave it on some old dude’s porch to see if he’ll stomp it out.  Writing the Majority opinion, Anthony “What the fuck ever happened to you, you bumbling tit?” Kennedy said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Fuck the first amendment. Ya’ll keep bringing up old shit.”

Can’t local politicians in Greece, NY just pray for their job to matter in the car, before they walk into the meetings? … That’s literally the trade-off here.  We had to either scrap the First Amendment, or ask people to shit before the meeting.  And we decided on diapers in the meeting.

Well, the majority opinion actually claimed that the prayers didn’t violate the first amendment because they didn’t (quote) “denigrate nonbelievers or religious minorities, threaten damnation or preach conversion.”  Because isn’t that what the Constitution says?  I believe the exact portion he’s referring to is the part that reads, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion unless everybody’s really nice about it.  And then it’s okay.”

But they’re not even being really nice about it!!!  In what sense is threatening damnation, and preaching conversion capable of being friendly?!?

Now in the aftermath of the decision, the American Humanist Association announced a program that will help train people to give secular invocations while the Freedom From Religion Foundation has offered a reward to the person who gives the best one.  Because, let’s face it, if we were supplicant, we would be religious, which is why eventually we always win fights like this.

If the Scathing Atheists are allowed to make invocations before redneck town meetings, they’ll stop praying real fast.

I’ll be adding links to more info on the AHA and FFRFs efforts on the shownotes for this episode and I strongly encourage everyone who listens to this to take this one seriously.  This is some activism we can all do in our hometowns that will really make a difference.

Supreme Court upholds prayer before public meetings: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303647204579543572388368040?mg=reno64-wsj&url=http%3A%2F%2Fonline.wsj.com%2Farticle%2FSB10001424052702303647204579543572388368040.html

LINK TO AHA SECULAR INVOCATION INFORMATION

LINK TO FFRF SECULAR INVOCATION REWARD INFO

And from “The Most Dangerous Game Theory” file, one of Oklahoma’s tax-paid executioners botched a routine iocane powder procedure, and witnesses were forced to see that awkward, prolonged, death seizure look on the perp’s face for about 20 minutes.  This is why atheists only murder unborn children.  No eye contact.

Yeah, I hate it when state sponsored barbarism is so barbaric.  If the two terms weren’t mutually exclusive, I’d suggest we execute prisoners like a civilized society.

In order to avoid bureaucratic ineptitude like this in the future – and keeping in mind they still want to continue murdering people – many Republican Christians are calling for privatization of the capital punishment industry, making it more efficient, and profitable at the same time.  Or …  instead of no-bid contracts for domestic vigilante Halliburton death squads, we could realize that capital punishment costs taxpayers more than life in prison … and also murder is probably wrong.  

Just when you think the Republican irony meter can’t go any higher.  As it turns out, they only had issues with the “state sponsored” part of “state sponsored death panels.”

I know it’s not a top priority like “Don’t whittle figurines”, but something along the lines of “Shalt not Kill” is in the 5-7 range depending on how you mistranslate the perfect word of god and his ten most important commandments.  But more importantly – just in general – if somebody asks you if you should murder people … and you have to consult a textbook … that’s problematic … REALLY pedantic at best.

Death Penalty Sort-of Works Eventually: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2014/05/02/what-it-was-like-watching-the-botched-oklahoma-execution/

And in “Defrock ‘em in the ass” news tonight, the Vatican has finally released details of exactly how they’ve disciplined priests accused of child rape and torture.  Before we get to the sanctions, I’d like to point out that they did so while being questioned by the UN committee that monitors the implementation of the UN Treaty against torture, so for the assholes that email me and tell me calling it torture is hyperbolic, fuck you.  It is absolutely torture; it’s torture of the worst kind and the people doing the torture no longer dispute that fact.  So stop standing up for child torturing rapists.

Yeah, let’s just take a moment and consider one more time, that Christianity is appearing before the UN Anti-Torture Committee.  Must be a few awkward moments … “So this last part’s just a formality … Embarrassed to even ask, but it’s our last checkbox here … You guys keep the pedophiles away from kids after you find out, right?  You’re not still setting them up with jobs as Chuck E Cheese bathroom attendants, right?”  

The numbers also cast enormous suspicion on the whole “Yeah, sure, back in the 50s we fucked the hell out of some kids, but now we’re cool” argument the Vatican’s been peddling for the last couple years.  More than 3400 credible accusations of abuse have been referred to the Vatican in the last ten years including more than 400 cases just last year.

If they’re gonna equate institutional pedophilia to cigarette smoking, then we get to put a Surgeon General’s warning on every bible from now on.  Because they’re still smoking boy pole!!!

Warning: Do not use while operating civic machinery.  I like it.  So in 848 of the nearly 3500 cases, the priests ID card and his super-saver discount card were revoked.  And that represented the tough punishment.  They didn’t get to be priests anymore.  Which means that in more than 2,500 instances they did get to be priests anymore!  The Rapists!

Vatican releases stats on punishments for molester priests: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/may/06/vatican-figures-disciplined-priests-sex-abuse

And in “@GOP + @GOD = #BFF” news, the Republican National Committee tweeted the following over the weekend: (quote) “Religious freedom is our God-given right.” (end quote) … Also included was a link to a strongly-worded petition demanding that President Obama stop helping Satan by refusing to fill the crucially important position called: Ambassador-at-Large for International Religious Freedom.  Rumors on the Hill suggest the currently serving Traveling Secretary to the Assistant Quidditch Game Warden is perfect for the job … But then you get Harry Potter fans petitioning Obama about the free exercise clause.

Right.  The guys that have the judiciary running on fumes and dryer lint are worried about this unfilled post?

Knowing that Jesus was less about public well-being, and more about deadly weapons, the GOP recently bolstered it’s Christ-Cred even further, when it blocked the selection of an extremely qualified Surgeon General nominee, for his role in angering the NRA by suggesting bullet wounds may be harmful to your health.  Doesn’t the First Amendment say Christians can’t vote because that would be crazy?

Yeah, but as of this week we’re not doing the First Amendment anymore.

RNC tweets about being the god party and Obama oppressing religious freedom: http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/republican-party-announces-it-is-officially-the-party-of-god/politics/2014/05/05/86744

And in “63% of Respondents said “Ungh….”” news tonight, a new study finds that Evangelicals are still stunningly stupid.  (Stunningly?)  A new survey by The Associated Press looked into America’s willingness to accept established, fully demonstrated scientific fact and to the surprise of nobody, we flunked miserably.  The survey showed that the Evangelicals were leading the way, proudly marching toward hegemonized stupidity, but kind of running into each other and falling down a lot.

Like chickens proudly marching to the KFC factory … It’s okay to be stupid, but when all the smartest chickens do shitloads of research on KFC, and show you videos of the Fargo Chipper, you halt the fucking procession!!!

Yes, but this study casts doubt on any analogy that assumes Evangelicals have intelligence equal to that of a chicken.  Okay, so the numbers.  They looked at four key scientific facts and asked people if they were confident that these demonstrable, unambiguous FACTS were true.  More than three quarters of Evangelicals expressed doubt in the big bang and evolution; with more than half doubting anthropogenic climate change and the established age of the earth.

We finally have actual evidence suggesting a flood, and the Christians are denying it???

This is further proof that we didn’t need that religion stifles scientific advancement and it’s not the sporadic influence the apologists would have you believe.  I’d argue that if this was the only negative influence of religion, that would be enough to justify this show and my outrage.  And it’s not.  Because they also fuck kids.

Oh, right I forgot about that, since we covered it two stories ago!

Study: Evangelicals are still stunningly stupid: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/01/ap-survey-faith-science_n_5249154.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Wiles E Coyote Ugly” news, conservative North Carolina Senate candidate Steve Wiles – whilst campaigning on the gay-marriage-ban platform – was recently outed as a former drag queen emcee at a Winston-Salem gay bar, performing under the stage name, “Miss Mona Sinclair”.

The greatest part of this story is that when they asked the staunchly anti-gay rights candidate if he himself was gay, he said, and I quote, “I really won’t make any comment on that.”  So yeah, he really dodged a bullet there.  They almost figured him out.

Yeah close one … So after being fired from his/her job as a promoter for the 2011 Miss Gay America pageant, for (quote) “conduct unbecoming” to the organization, it seems Wiles decided he/she was better suited to perform conduct unbecoming to a politician.

What kind of a tease is it to mention “Conduct unbecoming of a Miss Gay America promoter” and then not give details.  Motherfuckers…

Obviously we’ve already got 30 seconds on the clock for this one … “Republican Drag Queen Bar Names” … GO!!!

Forged Bush

The GOP Spot

I was gonna says the “Trans Old Party”

SantoRum and Coke

I don’t mind admitting, that place gives me a Boehner.  How about “Gippers & Strippers: The Home of Trickle Down Your Back Economics.”

Ted’s Gay Cruise?

Colon Pow!

Tap That Ashcroft

Chris (equals) Christie?  Great place to get your tunnel jammed.

Kind of like “Vicar/Victoria” …

The Oral Majority

The Dick Army Gravy Train

Prostate’s Rights?

Entrance in the Back Tucker Carlson’s

The LGBT Party.

Adam’s Applebees

Anti-gay politician once worked as drag queen at gay bar: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/anti-gay-north-carolina-republican-candidate-worked-drag-queen-gay-bar-report-article-1.1779271

And finally tonight, in “Holocaust of Living” news, a high school in Rialto, California learned the stupid way that you shouldn’t assign kids to write a paper entitled “Did the holocaust really happen?”  Eighth grade students in the school were asked to do some research and write a paper explaining whether they believed the holocaust was (a) the holocaust or (b) a political scheme concocted to influence public emotion.  And they somehow failed to know in advance that they’d reached “drooling into your soup” levels of idiocy here.

If I remember high school correctly, that means I could have gotten an A on a holocaust denial essay, as long as I used transition words like “moreover”, and somewhere included the phrase “encompassing a wide swath of cultural mores”.

I should point out that I don’t think the topic should be off the table for discussion or anything.  If somebody wants to research the historical evidence on that one I invite them to do so because the historical evidence is FUCKING OVERWHELMING.  I mean… just… what else happened to all the fucking Jews?  There are censuses before the holocaust and there’s all these jews.  And then there’s now.  And all those Jews are gone.  So sure.  Look into it.  Start with some of Michael Shermer’s excellent work on the subject.  But don’t make a fucking history assignment out of it!  And especially don’t do that if… and I don’t give a shit if this is unrelated… but especially don’t do it if the superintendent of the school is sporting the “I shit you not” name of Mohammad Z. Islam.  That’s actually the dude’s name.

That was also the #2 answer when Family Feud asked 100 Texans to name the President of the United States.  And the #1 answer: … George Bush.

Anyway, after fucking-duh complaints from the Anti-Defamation League, a number of other groups and most of the parents who weren’t assholes, the school apologized and scrapped the paper and replaced it with a less controversial sociology assignment entitled, “The Blacks: Do They Really Love Them Some Cornbread?”

“Rape: Legitimate Gripe or Bid for Attention?”

California School debates historical legitimacy of the holocaust: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/05/rialto-holocaust-assignment_n_5268840.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Well I guess now that we can chalk up the rape joke we can close out the headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

If they downloaded our podcast, they were asking for it.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be here to make excuses for not reading all the way through Psalms.

 

Babble:

Holy shit… which was, I believe, the working title for Psalms.

They also kicked around “Better Off Dead Poet’s Society” …

We had the supreme displeasure this week of reading by far the longest book of the bible and the only task less desirable than reading this shit is figuring out a way to break it down in a 10 minute segment.

Which is only slightly less desirable than Anne Coulter’s personality

Indeed.  Not only is this book way too long for a meaningful overview; it’s also just a random anthology of needy, whining jews.  There’s no story to talk about… it’s just a collection of crappy and often cadaverous prayers about random shit.  So joining us to try to find a way to sum this sucker up is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Good to be back… I’ve missed me.

As have I.  So to give this discussion some kind of structure we’re gonna look not to the individual psalms, but rather to the five sections within the book.  So Lucinda, why don’t you start us off with part one:

 

  • Part one:

 

      • So Basically you have two types of Psalms right off the bat.  They’re either saying “Hey, you can tell how glorious god is because everything is going right for us” or they’re saying, “I know things aren’t going right for us, but that doesn’t mean that God’s not glorious.”
      • Right.  A lot of “Damned if I do, damned if you don’t” stuff…  and it’s so funny coming right off of Job.  The very first psalm basically negates the entire previous book.
        • And they make sure to point out that good Christians are always prosperous because their parents own valuable coastal properties.  So choose your parents wisely.
      • And then there’s a bunch of “My god could beat up your god” and “Dear god, don’t let anybody fuck me in my sleep” shit for the next hundred and fifty chapters.
      • Interspersed with some serious shit talk about atheists.
      • Yes, apparently we’re cannibals and do only wicked acts.  But that’s just because of the dude we sent back in time to terminate the Jesus pregnancy, or “Project: Hasta la vista, Baby Jesus”.  That’s a nice brunch right there: Bacon, Egg, and Jesus, and a Bloody Mary with stem celery garnish.
      • It worked better in part two, but they’re still waiting for the second coming anyway.
      • Yeah, 18 is a weird one, too.  It’s a mile and a half longer than all the other ones around it, but it’s about a scene where basically God kills a bunch of ninjas, so I didn’t mind so much.
      • I liked 22, which I call “The prayer of the pantsed nerd”
      • Yeah, right before the “The lord is my sheppard bit” we get the whole “My mom says you guys are only persecuting me because you’re jealous” Psalm… which was fun.
      • And then in Psalm 35 we get the prayer of the RoadRunner… it’s all about my enemies getting caught in their own nets and accidentally strapping themselves to their own Acme rocket…
        • “And God made the law of gravity, and the coyote fell, and it was good.”
    • Part Two:
      • Then we get to part two and it’s worth pointing out that there’s nothing that divides book one from book two except a header that says, “book two”.  There’s no substantive difference between the content of either book.
      • Right.  The Psalms continue to basically fall into two themes: (a) Our enemies just got their asses kicked, how about god, huh? and (b) Our enemies just kicked our asses so what the hell?
      • Is that what you guys were getting?  I swear at a certain point I was just reading “goddy-goddy-god-god… god god ‘selah’”
      • Yeah, lot of that too.  But there was also plenty of backhanded praise in this one.  A lot of “God, I know it seems like you’re fucking up all your godding and what not, but we know better.”
      • And then there’s all the flattering, obsequious, “I sure hope god fucks my daughter” stuff … “God. God. God. Dad. Daddy. Yahweh. Hashem. Lois. Are you watching? Are you looking?”
      • I giggled at Psalm 47, which was basically the biblical version of the Hokey Pokey.
      • And I think it’s worth noting that Psalm 53 is basically identical to Psalm 14. They were hoping we wouldn’t notice, but we did.
      • Probably not a coincidence that they doubled up on the Psalm that talked shit about atheists.  Literally claims that every single atheist is evil.  So all babies are evil.
      • A lot of justifications for racism and genocide too.  Psalm 58, 60, 63, 68… basically all the ones that aren’t telling god how massive his dick is.
      • Yeah, 58 was particularly egregious.  I believe that was the one where you ask god to rip out the teeth of your enemies children.  Or at least make sure nobody is allowed to provide them with affordable medical coverage.

 

  • Part Three:

 

      • Then we get to part three.  And I’m hoping that we’re gonna see some kind of change in theme or something, but I’ve been burned once before.  Book One and Book Two were just randomly separated.  But this time Book Two actually ends by saying, “Okay so that’s all of David’s shit.”  So I got my hopes up one more time.  Would something finally be different?
      • No.
      • Right.  No.  First Psalm in book three?  Same “Damn is god awesome and damn do wicked people suck” nonsense for another 16 Psalms.
      • Right, but this book is shorter so it feels like you’re getting somewhere.  It’s like driving through New England.  Every few minutes you’re going over another state line and even though you’re not actually getting anywhere any faster, you feel like you are.  
      • I wanted to point this one out, by the way, because I could be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure that in 74:11 god says he can’t help the Israelites because he’s busy fondling his own tits…. or whacking off or something.
      • That’s how I read it.
        • If I remember correctly – and I rarely do – in King James, God was giving himself a Rusty Trombone.
      • And as you’re slogging through this thing, once in a while you get shit like Psalm 78, which is five Psalms long and basically rehashed all the highlights from Exodus through Second Samuel.
      • But here and there you’ll come across a nugget of gold.  Like verse 81:10 where god says to the Jews, “Open your mouths and I shall fill them…” and then starts talking about them sucking up his dripping honey.  We’re all adults here.  You hear milk and honey … You think arcing ropes of jism.  God made us this way.
      • Then you get a whole bunch of “when are you gonna get around to incinerating my enemies, god?” to wrap up book three.
      • I was actually pretty fond of Psalm 89, which says, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Dear god, pretty sure you fucked up the last couple years of earth. Feel free to take a mulligan.”

 

  • Part Four:

 

      • And then there’s book four, which is just more kissing of the holy holey.
      • And these fucking poems… when did the bible turn into a recently dumped highschool girl?  “You want to read some of my poems?”  “Of fucking course I don’t! Nobody ever honestly answered ‘yes’ to the question ‘Do you want to read some of my poems’!”
      • But at least teenage girl poems have some important themes like slitting your wrists or getting finger fucked.  These ones are all about how Jews are invincible and god is such a snappy dresser.  Yeah I’d love to hear those, but maybe I can read the new unedited manuscript of that novel you’ve been working on, right here on the spot.  And then you can play us that song on guitar you’re halfway through writing.  And then the poems, right after that.  
      • Right, so moving on, we get another generous helping of “Hey god, did you notice how much more moral I was being than everybody else?  That’s because they all suck and need a good smiting.”
      • And I thought Psalm 96 was an interesting one.  It basically says that god is great and he knows everything… but we still have to remind him how awesome he is constantly.
      • Yes and in the following Psalm I believe we learn that if you have the right Poke-Ball, god can breathe fire, which is a pretty cool trick.
      • Put perhaps my favorite of all of them was Psalm 101 which says, and again, paraphrasing here, but it basically says “God is peace and love and justice and I’ll kill any motherfucker who disagrees.”
      • And you thought the Muslims made that shit up.  Just another Jewish cover band like the Christians.

 

  • Part Five:

 

    • And then you mercifully get to Part Five and you’ve been through so much that you think it’s almost over… but you forget that just this part of this book is basically the length of Exodus.
    • And it starts off right, with a Psalm that reminds us that if you starve or rot in prison or get sick and die or drown… it’s because god hates you and you’re evil.
    • And we keep getting all the mixed messages.  Like take Psalm 111 for example.  It tells us that the lord is forgiving and trustworthy and infinitely just… and because of that, you should be scared shitless of him.
    • Yeah, that’s something of a running theme in this book.
    • But Psalms also has my favorite thing in the bible so far… the middle.  Psalm 118 is the midway point so we’re definitely getting somewhere.
    • And interestingly enough it’s sandwiched between Psalm 117, which is the shortest chapter in the entire bible, and Psalm 119, which is the longest chapter.  And believe me, this meaningless coincidence has been the subject of billions of words worth of religiotic babbling.
      • And 119 was clearly written by a 5-year-old learning the Hebrew alphabet with an acrostic poem.
    • One of our listeners said on Facebook that he actually had to memorize that motherfucker in school.  3 pages of divine felatio…  What a waste.
    • I think it’s interesting that in Psalm 122 they specifically call for peace in Jerusalem.  So… Jews and Christians have been praying for this for how many millennia now?  And they still haven’t given up on praying?
    • Seems clear that this god dude is a slacker.
    • Yes, but as Psalm 123 explains at length, as much of a pathetic fuck up as god is, you’re even worse.
    • And was it just me or was there a ton of thanking god for the wrong shit?  Like in 126 where they thank god for no longer requiring them to be enslaved.  Thanks for not hitting me in the dick with that weed eater again!  Thanks for not fucking me in the ass between each pump!
    • Or 135, which basically says, “As evidence of god’s infinite compassion, I submit the following list of people he’s killed…”
    • And, of course, we have to talk about the most notorious of all the Psalms, number 137.
      • Which essentially says “If a foreigner asks you to sing them a psalm, you refuse.  Non-Jews can’t hear Psalms.  They can listen to them, but they can’t hear them.”
    • It’s probably a good idea to have this Psalm at the ready, though, if you think about it.  Just in case somebody captures you and tells you to sing a song, it’s nice to have a song at the ready about not wanting to sing songs for your captors and smashing their children’s skulls.  That’s just prudence.
    • Not many songs about smashing baby skulls these days.
    • A lost art, indeed.
    • Then we get a bunch more “Have you ever met a starving kid in Africa?  Bunch of assholes. Quit blaming god” type Psalms, and it draws to an overdue but merciful close.

And thus ends the longest book in the Bible and the only legitimate competitor to Vogon poetry.  Next up is Proverbs which is still stupid long but it’s gonna seem like a cakewalk compared to Psalms.

Getting baptized by Sarah Palin would seem like a cakewalk after Psalms.

Yep.  So no Bible for the next three weeks.  Between now and then I’m just gonna read Billy Collins until my eyes hurt.

Thanks for soldiering through it, guys.  Halfway and then some.

Aww, Only halfway? ( Shit.)

Halftime Score: Jews 1, Christians and Muslims 0

 

Outro:

Before we settle the tab tonight, I wanted to throw a huge thanks out to all the listeners that made it out to ReasonCon last weekend.  It was our first chance to actually hang out with our audience a bit and it turns out we’ve got a hell of an audience.  Thanks so much for making it an unforgettable weekend.  Too many people to thank by name… and I’d probably fuck up and leave someone out… so just in general, thanks a ton.  Really meant the world to us that so many of you were able to make it.

I also wanted to thank Paul from the Quranify Me Podcast for inviting me to take part in a skit he did for his show.  Tom and Cecil, Adam Reakes and me all popped in for a few minutes and I believe you can hear that on his most recent episode.  I’ll link to it in the shownotes.

LINK TO QURANIFY ME PODCAST

Obviously, I need to thank Bobby C from the No Religion Required Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  I hate to admit that I still haven’t had a chance to check out his show, but I’ll be rectifying that today and with good reason.  While we were at ReasonCon he caught some audio that was either one of the greatest moments in atheist podcasting history or we were all so shit-faced we just thought it was.  What started off as a few minutes with Heath and I eventually turned into several hours with us, Cash and Love, Bill from Bar Room Atheists, Tracie Harris from The Atheist Experience, Dr. Richard Carrier, “Year Without God” pastor Ryan Bell… along with a dozen other hilarious drunken atheists.  Not sure how good the audio quality will be, but if it’s even remotely good it will be well worth your time to check it out.  If nothing else, it includes Heath and Cash competing for the most off-color abortion joke so that should be enough to get you there.

LINK TO NO RELIGION REQUIRED PODCAST

Speaking of Heath, need to thank him once more for all he does both on and off the air.  Need to thank Lucinda for toughing it out all the way through Psalms.  And speaking of Psalms, I also want to thank all our Twitter followers for all the words of encouragement during my one hundred and fifty hour Psalm-a-thon last week.  Happy to have that over and done with.  Thanks to everybody who favorites or retweeted or responded or whatever.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most honorable hominids; Robert, Andrew, John, Mark, Kilburn State Records, Shane, Eric with a C, Robives (dot) com, Don, Daniel, Jonathan, Robert, Nicholas, Scott, Liam, Erik with a K and Steven.  Robert, Andrew, John and Mark, whose erections give railroad crossing arms feelings of inadequacy; Kilburn State Records and Robives (dot) com, which would have made the list if it was the Fortune 502; Shane, Eric with a C, Don and Daniel; whose archery skills are too much for even the nimblest of neutrinos; Jonathan, Robert and Nicholas, who aren’t the droids you’re looking for; and Scott, Liam, Erik with a K and Steven, who make Mother Teresa look like a miserable bitch and not just because Mother Teresa really was a miserable bitch.

These seventeen people and companies (which are also people according to certain Republicans) have helped secure the sanity of coming generations this week by giving us money.  Giving us money is a noble, selfless pursuit that was often used as a test of bravery by native American tribes.  It also inoculates against alien abduction, witchcraft and the stupid thing where people think WiFi is nuking their brains.  And it helps us keep doing the show.

And if you donate at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist where, for as little as one dollar per episode, you can get extended cuts of each episode before the show is available to the general public.  And for as little as more than one dollar an episode, you can get other bonus shit, too.  So definitely check that out.

You can also support us with a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or by picking up a copy of our new book “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on Amazon and the Kindle Store as well as other fine e-book retailers.

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Episode 63 – Partial Transcript

May 1, 2014 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons with contributions by Adam Reakes

Link to ReasonCon Homepage

Link to Donate on Patreon

Link to Buy the Book

Link to Episode 63

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the final cut due to time constraints.

 

Warning: This sentence is the only one in the show that has no chance of offending anyone.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Catholic work out plan “8 Minute Abs…olution.”  Get ready to kneel, stand, sit, kneel and pray your way to a tone butt, rock hard thighs and a deeply rooted shame of your humanity.

8 Minute Absolution; Catholic Calisthenics at their finest.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s May 1st,

And L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling just won a bet with Mel Gibson.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

And I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Racial Hominy” New York, New York,

And “Kiss My Grits” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • We explore the “Land of Milk and Honey Dipping” with 10,000 lakes nearby,
  • The state of South Carolina will volunteer to be stupider,
  • And a group of Christians will protest gay marriage by refusing to swallow.

But first, the diatribe.

 

Diatribe:

You can tell how desperate theists are getting by how deep into the apologetic bag they’re reaching.  A listener named Bryan emailed me one the other day that he’d encountered and it may just be the dumbest apologetic you’ve ever heard.  I call it “The argument from the properly clotted cock.”

It goes like this.  In Genesis, god tells Abraham to circumcise his kids and his slaves and says very specifically that in the future this should always be done when the kid is eight days old.  So why eight days?  Well, as it turns out, there’s a plasma protein called “prothrombin” that aids in the clotting of blood.  Prothrombin comes from Vitamin K and, wouldn’t you know it, is at its peak level in our bodies when we’re (drum roll please) eight days old!  Therefore Jesus.

Didn’t follow me there?  That’s because you were using logic.  Basically, they’re saying that there’s a medical justification for the specificity of Abraham’s proclamation that Abraham couldn’t have possibly known unless god told him so.  How could Abraham have possibly known about this peak in prothrombin production thousands of years before science discovered it?

With a little bit of research, this one’s pretty easy to refute.  It might not surprise you to learn that the number one complication from circumcision isn’t bleeding to death through your mutilated penis due to a vitamin K deficiency.  Now, excessive bleeding is the number one complication and it can, in rare cases, be fatal, but it’s not the one most likely to cause serious problems.  That would be glanular amputation, which most of us call accidentally cutting parts off that are regular dick.  And, surprise, surprise, the likelihood of that complication goes down the bigger the dick gets.  What’s more, it can only be corrected through a surgery that is far more dangerous for an eight day old that it would be for a kid that had more than a week’s experience breathing gasses.

But beyond that, the levels of prothrombin aren’t exactly the single factor in blood coagulation.  There’s a host of factors involved and real science informs us that the haemostatic system isn’t fully developed until 3 to 6 months.  It also may not surprise you to learn that the neonatal immune system isn’t exactly robust when it comes to fighting off infections.

But all that is pretty secondary when you consider it against the actual ideal time to perform a circumcision, which is fucking never!  Maybe god could have divinely inspired them to stop whacking off their baby’s foreskins altogether if he was getting involved anyway.  How can there be an ideal time to do something that is neither necessary or good?

So yeah, it’s ridiculously stupid, but that doesn’t mean it’s ineffective.  Think about it; from the point of view of a theist who might not be versed in critical thinking, it sounds convincing.  And odds are pretty good that if somebody suddenly sprung this one on you, you wouldn’t have the foreknowledge of coagulants and circumcision complications necessary to dismantle it.  That’s why apologists love shit that centers around bacterial flagellums or Boltzmann Brains or geological minutia.  Odds are nobody in the room can refute it.

So what do you do when you come across something like this?  If somebody sprung this on me at a convention I wouldn’t have the pre-googled details or anything for my rebuttal.  So what I’d probably do is say “prothrombin” three times with an increasingly incredulous inflection.

Prothrombin.  Prothrombin?  Prothrombin!?  Really?  Your proof for god rests in a plasma protein you never heard of before you came across this argument?  Are you fucking kidding me?  So if prothrombin levels peaked at 10 days, that would disprove the bible, right?  Cause isn’t that exactly what god said in Genesis 17:12?  “And lo, on the eighth day a vital coagulant will be in abundance in thy infant”  No?  So you’re admitting that this is a bet you can only win.

Yeah, if you cherry pick both the bible and the science you can assemble a series of unrelated facts and make ‘em sound Jesusy, but that’s not how science works.  You didn’t have a group of scientists trying to figure out why the rate of complication from circumcision was so much lower in precisely 8 day old infants; you had a bunch of religiously motivated whackaloons data mining every obscure medical and biblical fact with the hopes that somewhere two of them lined up.

So nevermind the fact that virtually every word of the bible is contradicted by science.  Nevermind that I can point to 1000 passages that betray a remarkable lack of knowledge about the world and how it works.  You’ve got your one stupid fact and if you dress it up just right and put some makeup on it and make sure we don’t see it from the left or from behind, we won’t realize that you pulled it out of a reeking mound of triceratops shit.

So here’s my advice to Bryan and anybody else who finds themselves at the receiving end of this “Science confirms my holy book” argument.  Ask them “So if I could find a place where the science didn’t line up with the bible, you’d admit that it wasn’t divine right?  If science is the yardstick we’re measuring by here?”

Believe me, that should end the debate pretty quick.

 

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is stalwart defender of the black man, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to discuss the latest racism scandal in the NBA?

Well I’ve got my finger to the pulse of African American culture, and the word is that Los Angeles Clippers soon-to-be-ex-owner Donald Sterling is an enormous racist.  Just look at the Clippers roster … He clearly has some sort of problem with white people.  They only have two white dudes on that team, and I’m counting Blake Griffin as one of them.

So yeah, even if you grade him on a lenient curve.  I guess it’s a good thing they punished him by removing any obligation he had to sit in an arena full of the mongrel races like whites and swedes.

In our lead story tonight, in “What are atheists good at?” news, the survey says … it’s not raping kids.  Demonstrating that the particular brand of religious nonsense doesn’t matter, self-professed Wiccan warlock Jim Irvin of West Virginia promised to perform acts of magic on a sick mother, in exchange for sexual favors from her 3, 9, and 13-year-old children.  He will not pass go, nor will he collect 200 dollars on his way to jail, despite his sincerely held religious beliefs otherwise.  

And as horrible as it is, I fucking love this story.  Because every time I make the point that it isn’t this religion or that religion, it’s religion, somebody invariably emails me and says, “You forgot to exclude Wiccans!” and I have to say, “No the fuck I didn’t!” and now that’ll be followed by a link.

This is tragic.  Just think: If the kids were atheist, they would have at least gotten some real medical treatment, in exchange for all those sticky little hand jobs.

And even if it was an alternative medicine guru, maybe he would have let the kids get away with homeopathic handjobs, which are basically just subtle junk-adjustments.

And on the other side of the coin … At least one study shows that when you offer to perform atheist acts on someone’s dying mother, they’re much less willing to blow you.  

I’m just gonna tell myself you read it on PubMed and move on…

Now of course, most religions are – at least on paper – against pedophile activity as well.  But if, say Christian God changed his mind about that particular issue, millions of people would actually start raping kids.  Atheists – as a group – would continue not doing that.  How does the morality scale work again???  Did we win???  Did I break it???

I don’t know if it was you, but yes, it is definitely broken.

Wiccans can molest kids, toohttp://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/21/police-wv-magical-warlock-coerced-sex-from-kids-by-promising-to-cure-ill-mother/

And from the “Would Somebody Just Persecute Me Already?” file tonight, we bring you the twisted tale of Todd Starnes desperate and shameful attempt to plug his new book by religion-whoring his publicist’s toddler.  The story began when the five year old daughter of one Marco Perez allegedly accused a teacher at her school of stopping her when she tried to pray.

Yeah the kid sounds a little ‘precocious’ (read: ‘lying’).

“What did you do at school today, honey?”

“I drank milk, ate paste, and then I debated my Kindergarten teacher on the constitutionality of the landmark Engel vs. Vitale decision.”

Perez did what any parent who is the Vice President of the Christian publishing firm handling Todd Starnes upcoming book about Christian persecution in America would do and made no effort whatsoever to follow up with his daughter’s school.  Instead he posted a video on YouTube where his daughter explained the intricacies of legitimate issues of secular encroachment.  By a coincidence that smacks of either divine intervention or a despicable lack of ethics, Todd Starnes picked up on this story and ran with it.

What story?!?  This is nothing!  It’s a kid throwing blocks, and then lying about praying instead.  It’s a crotch injury away from a Bob Saget unfunny video.

Upon hearing about this in the local news, the school conducted an investigation and apologized to the parents for the perceived slight, though they pointed out that not only could they not confirm any of the details of the story, but they couldn’t even find evidence that the accused teacher was anywhere near the lunchroom when this supposedly happened.

Did they check Kevin Sorbo’s alibi?  Was Hercules, that fucking polytheist, anywhere near the lunch room?

But apparently apologizing and not doing it in the first place wasn’t enough for Perez, who is now threatening to sue the school for… get this shit… publicly pointing out that the public accusation he made was baseless.  Because apparently publicly damning someone is only okay if you don’t verify the facts first.

Parents make up bullshit story about kid not being allowed to pray; threaten to sue school: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/28/family-threatens-lawsuit-after-fl-school-finds-no-evidence-child-stopped-from-praying/

And in “Invisible Hand Job” news, there’s nothing about badly educating black people in the Bible, so South Carolina Republican Ray Moore – as part of his campaign for lieutenant governor – is proposing that we dismantle the public school system entirely, in favor of free market solutions like government-subsidized tax-exempt church schools.  Apparently only creationist science can defeat China.

I was just thinking South Carolinians were too smart for their own good.

Moore believes public schools – or (quote) “Pharoah’s Schools” – and other such distribution centers of true information to poor people – pose a serious threat to Christians.  Texas Republican Dan Patrick – campaigning to become Rick Perry’s fluffer – expressed similar sentiments, suggesting that Texas public schools indoctrinate students with anti-American, left-wing, and environmental propaganda.

That explains why all the Texans are such anti-American, left-wing environmentalists, I suppose.

Perhaps these two ‘assistant to the gubernatorial candidates’ aren’t aware that the set of all things not written in the Bible is infinitely large … Especially considering that we did – in fact – evolve from filthy, infinite monkey men.  But now that we’re on the subject … I dont remember a single mention in the Bible about Hindu people.  Should we legislate them out of existence too???

I checked this afternoon and it turns out that there’s also nothing in the bible that forbids filling Ray Moore’s parlor with hungry hyenas with rabies, so I thought our South Carolina listeners might like to know.

SC Republic wants to end public schools “Cause their ain’t nothin’ in the bible about ‘em” http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/25/sc-republican-wants-to-end-public-schools-nothing-in-the-bible-about-state-education/?onswipe_redirect=no

And in “Do I hear 80?” news tonight, a group of Christians in Virginia are calling for a forty day fast in protest of gay marriage.  The hate group in sheep’s clothing warns that the coming homo-pocalypse is all but inevitable if Christians don’t stand up against the forces of equality.

Ghandi made it for 21 days, but he wasn’t Christian, so we’ll see what happens.  I think it’s gonna backfire.  You get to day 30 of a hunger strike, and all of sudden, eating a dick doesn’t sound so bad.

Unsure of how being uncomfortably hungry will influence gays to give up their quest for equality, the group instead compares their struggle to David and Goliath because when you’re trying to oppress a group that’s 40 times smaller than you, it’s good to distract people from that.

But I would love to watch a bunch of delirious, starving Christians attack a gay wedding with pebbles and slingshots.  

In their defense, the Family Foundation has a piece on their website that explains that they’re not planning a “hunger strike”, they’re planning a “fast”, which, as they explain tediously, they mean in the 1770s sense of the word, which they then go on to explain has nothing to do with not eating, but instead means “abstaining from Twitter.”  And no, I’m not making that up, that’s what they say on their own fucking website.

Christians to stage 40 day hunger strike against same sex marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/25/virginia-christians-prepare-for-40-day-hunger-strike-against-same-sex-marriage/?onswipe_redirect=no

And from the “Twin Shitties” file, federal judges in Minneapolis are set to decide whether the United States will officially recognize the self-proclaimed micro-nation called “Kingdom of Heaven”.  The imaginary place in question currently has two alleged citizens: Dennis May and his wife Tami.

Didn’t work out so well for Peter Griffin…

And if this story didn’t write itself already, the couple also happens to operate a sewage excavation and treatment company in suburban Coon Rapids.  Tami is under indictment for hundreds of thousands of dollars in tax fraud, but insists they don’t have taxes in heaven kingdoms.  Then again, she also claims paradise is operating a shit carting business in Minnesota, so …

If it is, I’m perfectly willing to be wrong about the whole atheism thing.  If all the religious people walk through the gate and instead of streets of gold or virgins or their own planet or whatever, it’s that fecophelia scene from Jurassic Park, except it was snowing.  Like, I would gladly go and spend my eternity in hell as long as I got to see the look on a few of their faces when St. Peter hands them elbow length gloves and a shovel.

When this case is over, and they free up a little manpower, maybe the IRS can send a couple interns to work on getting back the estimated 80 billion dollars in revenue that we already lose every year due to religious tax exemptions.  And I’m not saying nobody should be tax exempt, but you have to earn that sort of thing … If religious groups want huge special privileges like that, we get to genocide you like the Native Americans first, and all the churches are required to have slots and poker.  

But to be fair, the synagogues just have to add the slots and poker.

Render unto Caesar bitches: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/30/i-dont-know-how-the-irs-caught-this-sneaky-tax-evader/

And in “You can have my bacon when you take it from my greasy, dead hands” news, nearly 200 Subway restaurants in the UK have kowtowed to pressure from Muslim groups and removed ham and bacon from their menus entirely.  In an effort to be more inclusive to their Muslim customers, they’ve introduced Halal meats in these shops; and in an effort to be less inclusive to everyone else, they’ve taken away all the other shit.

We’re already putting more pigs in the NY subways to keep all the Muslims out.  

Ultimately this is a tiny little story and it’s not a huge deal or anything, but it’s worth reporting on for two reasons.  One, it demonstrates the fact that it’s not enough for religious people to deny themselves something; they also want to deny you that thing.

…See, for example, orgasms…

And two, our love for bacon will unite Americans against Sharia law in a way that acid attacks against women somehow fail to.  And if you don’t believe me consider that stop and frisk was starting up at the same time that New Yorkers were rising up in one voice to protect their right to buy Pepsi by the bucket.

Subway in UK removes Ham from 200 stores to placate Muslims: http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2014/04/30/subway-muslim-customers-fast-food/8507373/

And in “Soul-Crushing Job” news, Italian sculptor Enrico Job’s enormous crucifix in honor of Pope John Paul the 2nd claimed it’s first life besides Jesus, when the 1320-pound savior-portion of the structure may or may not have sprung to life and tackled to death 21-year-old Marco Gusmini.  Miraculously, he had a bible in his front pocket, which was only slightly harmed in the crushing incident.  

See, I think that to be fair this should count as a minus one on John Paul the 2nd’s miracle count so he should have to be de-sainted or asterisked or otherwise Pete Rosed in some way.

According to his settlement in Outrageous Claims Court, Gusmini goes straight to heaven automatically, his roommate gets a 4.0 GPA for the semester, and he gets to slap God in the face once really hard with everyone watching.  And everyone says: “OHHHHHHH!!!”

I wonder, though, because a lot of times when you see this kind of stuff it turns out the dude teased the statue first or provoked it in some way.  So I don’t want to rush to blame Jesus on this one.

Besides adding to the list of reasons to avoid “Torture Sculptures”, this story also makes for a good horror movie, with Jesus as the homicidal maniac that can appear wherever there’s a cross.  Those assholes in the Bible Belt, with enormous eyesore crosses, get Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man sized Jesus attacking the town.  So I guess we’ll call this the “Holy Ghostbusters List” … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Horror Movies” … GO!!!

The Burned Witch Project

Good Friday the 13th

The Texas Public Education Massacre… that one scares me to this day.

Pulp Crucifixion … “God’s dead, baby.  God’s dead.”

The Chaplain in the Woods?  …with the wood?

Incestual Arranged Bride of Frankenstein

Easter Morning of the Living Dead

I Know Who You Fingered at Bible Camp Last Summer

What Ever Happened to Baby Jesus?… and the few people who got that love me for it.

Transformers: Revenge of Alpha Omegatron

I Apostled with a Zombie

The Iraqi Horror Picture Show

Gland of the Dead

Ralien vs. Sexual Predator

A sequel to “Rosemary’s Post-pubescent but still way too young to fuck Kid”, I think.

But no doubt not too young for the old ‘Roman War Helmet’ … And as a trusted source for google suggestions, try out a search for “roman war helmet”.

Live and die by the cross: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-27145931

And make sure you turn off safe search.  And while you’re doing that we’ll wrap up the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

Baha’i-anara, bitches!

And when we come back, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast will join Heath and I to decide which one of us should fuck my wife.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the theoretically monthly few minutes we set aside to get you caught up with all the great atheist, secular and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.  Secular get togethers are in full swing now, so if you want in on some of the events coming up in June and July, you’ll want to start making plans now.

On June 14th in London the Center for Inquiry is hosting an awesome sounding event called “God in the Lab: The Science of Religious Belief”.  The topic lines are great and I’m getting shit for not including more British events, so there you go.  Definitely check out their website though, because it they sell it way better than I am.

http://centreforinquiry.org.uk/?p=911

The weekend of the 21st of June the SSA will be holding the Western half of their bi-not really coastal but on that half of the country anyway meetings in Phoenix, Arizona.  The other half will be in Columbus, Ohio the weekend of July 12th.

https://www.secularstudents.org/2014con

Of course, the biggest of the big and the one I’m desperately hoping to stow aboard some landing gear to get to this year is the Amazing Meeting in Vegas July 10th to 13th.  Daniel mother-fuckin’ Dennett is the keynote; but they’ve also got DJ Grothe, Julia Galef, the SGU guys, Michael Shermer and Eugenie Scott, plus the one and only Geo Hrab hosting so holy shit… if somebody donates TAM tickets and airfare and a place to stay while I’m there I will compliment your genitals to unprecedented levels.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

Also wanted to throw a shoutout to the North Texas Secular Convention… I believe there’s a bit of a mix up for them and they had to delay the date so I’m not 100% sure when it’s happening, but the last I heard they were gonna have Greta Christina, Elyse Anders and friend of the show Darrel Ray there, so worth keeping abreast of them as well.  Should be late July, early August, but right now their website doesn’t have an exact date.

http://www.ntxsecularcon.com/

That’s it for the June/July calendar, but a quick reminder on the May calendar.  This weekend is ReasonCon and they moved to a larger venue so there may still be free tickets available by the time this episode airs.  Hope to see you there.  You can find a link to more info on ReasonCon and all the events discussed in the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

 

Skit “The RadioCarbon Dating Game”

Hello ladies and Gentlemen!  I’m your host Chip Shipley and it’s time for another episode of “The RadioCarbon Dating Game”!  We’ve got three eligible but religiously bigoted bachelors who will only date a woman who shares their taste in omnipotent daddy figures and one religiously unaffiliated bachelorette.  So without further ado, let’s meet our contestants!

First, straight from Williamsburg, New York and representing the oldest of the Abrahamic faiths, Chacham Leibovitz.  Chacham, how do you feel about your chances?

As a Jew I’m obligated to assume the worst.

Very well.  And representing the Islamic faith is Al Ma’ahi Almuk.  Al Ma’ahi, are you excited?

No, because my faith forbids all forms of joy.

Huh… I expected you to sound less white.

Cat Stevens was a white Muslim, you racists!!! …  And I don’t do voices.

Alrighty then.  And lastly, representing Christianity is Ray… Shmomfort?

That’s right.

Shouldn’t that read Ray Comfort?

Don’t be ridiculous.  That guy’s married and adultery is a sin.  So I’m some other bloke, definitely not me.

It’s not premarital sex, if you don’t marry the girl.

That’s right, Deuteronomy 22:28 and 29…

Are you sure you’re not Ray Comfort?  Because you have the porn mustache and everything.

Look, I’m Shmomfort, got it?  Just call me Ray.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.  And of course, these three questionably eligible gentlemen will be vying for the hand of tonight’s lovely bachelorette, so let’s give a round of applause to the beautiful Fannie Phillup!

Fannie, you look lovely tonight.

Thanks, Chip.

Now as I’m sure you’re aware, all three of our bachelors told our producers they would only date a woman who shares their religious conviction so you’re here tonight not just to choose a date, but to choose a god.  Are you ready to do that?

I’m ready, Chip!  And I’d appreciate it if you stopped staring at my boobs.

Well I’m not going to, but you’ll get used to it.  So feel free to question our bachelors in any sexy way you choose.

Okay, my first question is for Al Ma’ahi (butchering name).  Al Ma’ahi, if I was your Muslim girlfriend, where would you take me on our first date?

I don’t recall giving you permission to speak.

Oh… well, may I have your permission to speak?

I suppose.

Fuck you.  My next question is for Chacham.  If I was your Hasidic girlfriend, where would you take me on our first date?

To my mother’s house for approval.

Hm…Right.  Ray, same question.

I’d take you somewhere I would be revered as a God amongst men.  So it could be pretty much anywhere. Crematoriums, supermarkets… Probably a church, though, so we could share in our mutual love for Jesus.

Wow (sarcastically) this just keeps getting better.  My next question is also for Ray.  What kind of music would you listen to while we made love.

Well hold on now… our relationship would be restricted to intimate handholding and me “accidentally” brushing my hand across your boobs now and again until we were married.  

…Good, because I otherwise I would have to throw acid at her…

But to answer your question, probably Nickelbuck.

Wait, Al Ma’ahi, you didn’t bring acid with you today, did you?

I feel like you want me to say … No?

Um…

My next question is for Chacham, I guess.  What’s the craziest place you would ever make whoopie?

What the hell is the “whoopie”?

Um… making love.

And you want to know what now?

Where is the craziest place you’d ever do it?

The craziest in what way?  You want we should have sex in an asylum or something?

I just mean the most unusual.

Oh… Sheboygan, I suppose.

Nevermind.  My next question is for Al Ma’ahi.  If we got married and had kids, what would you want our kids to grow up to be?

Boys.

Wow…

(interrupting) …Males…

Alright… Ray…

(interrupting) … Y chromosomes all the way…

Alright! Anyway, Ray, if I was your Christian girlfriend, where would you see us in ten years?

Raptured to Heaven watching all the sinners burn in torment for not taking me more seriously about the bananas.

What?

Oh, I mean for not taking Ray Comfort more seriously about the bananas.

Okay, Al Ma’ahi, if one of my friends flirted with you, would you tell me?

How would I know it wasn’t you, given the veil?

Alright, Fannie, we’ve got time for one more question before you make your decision, so make it an important one.

Okay, Chacham, if I was your jewish girlfriend, could I expect a lot of oral?

Urgh… only if you washed it before and during and never on the Sabbath.

Hm.  Al Ma’ahi, same question.

I only eat that stuff if it’s from a Halal butcher.  Would you consider circumcision?

Wow. Seriously dude!?  And Ray?  Oral sex?

Sinful and debaucherous and worthy of an eternity of torment in hell.

Alright, Fannie, time to make your choice.

Hm… how about you Chip?  You go down?

I’m an atheist and I can breathe through my ears.

I guess I’ll pick you then.

What!? That’s not fair!  You can’t do that. My faith is easier to pick than a broken nose, let alone that guy!

Ray, I’d like you to very carefully hand me that glass.  And don’t drink from it or let it touch your skin.

This one?

Yeah, the ‘Halal Clear Liquid’ … The one that says HCL.

Nope.  I’m the host and I make the rules.  Don’t hand him that glass.  Excellent choice, Fannie.  Well that’s it for our show this week.  I’m Chip Shipley reminding all the ladies out there to support women’s rights by fucking an atheist.

 

Outro:

Before we blow our load this week, I need to thank the incomparable Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for channeling Ray Comfort for us tonight; but I also wanted to make you aware of a very cool fundraiser he’s doing.  There’s too much detail to squeeze into the outro of this show, but here’s the elevator pitch: Adam is trying to help raise money for an atheist in need by auctioning off a hand-crafted wooden cow.

Here’s hoping that sentence piqued your curiosity.  I strongly encourage you to get more details at Herd Mentality Podcast (dot) com; it’s for a really good cause, it’s a really cool cow and I know from experience that we have extraordinarily generous listeners.  You can listen to episode 56 of his show to get the long and short of it and if I haven’t already convinced you, I should point out that right after he spills the beans about the cow auction, he interviews Lawrence Krauss… so there’s plenty of reasons to listen to that show.

I also wanted to let you know about a Twitter project I’ve got going this week.  As you may know, we’re about to hit the halfway mark in the Bible in preparation for Psalms next week.  Now, the book is way too long for us to go into our customary “Holy Babble” level of detail, so leading up to that, I’ll be tweeting an atheist’s summary of each of the 150 psalms starting at midnight tonight.  I’ll tweet one every hour, which means I’ll be finishing up a couple hours before next week’s episode is released.

And if that’s not enough of a reason to follow us on Twitter, I’ll also be Tweeting from ReasonCon this weekend to let you know what an awesome time you’re missing out on.  That’s (at) Noah (underscore) Lugeons, L-U-G-E-O-N-S.  And if you don’t want to sift through the tweets, I’ll also be releasing a full list of the 150 Tweets on the blog shortly after the episode airs.

Alright, so one more quick thanks to Adam.  I need to thank Heath for leaving some of the dick jokes for the rest of us.  I need to thank Lucinda for being so cute and charismatic that she’ll make up for my socially-awkward misanthropy this weekend when we’re meeting our listeners for the first time.  And of course, I need to thank Don and the Secular Student Alliance at Georgia Southern University for (a) providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and (b) having the nerve to be part of the Secular Student Alliance at a university in South Georgia.  Well done guys and gals.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s best people; Max, Adam, Richard, Dan, CincyPharmer, Alfred, Taben, Graham, Cherie, Magnus, AJ and Rachel.  Max, Adam and Richard whose ejaculations can only be described as Vesuvian; Dan, CincyPharmer and Alfred, whose posters Kryptonian kids have on their walls; Taben, Graham and Cherie, who are so secular god knows better than to fuck with them after they sneeze; and Magnus, AJ and Rachel, who are so fast they make Mr. Miyogi look like a pansy for needing that second chopstick.

These twelve laudable listeners, also known as the Spotless Dozen, have helped to postpone the impending dick joke famine this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the mortality, vitality and sensuality it takes to give us money, but if you think the world needs more secular healing, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.  You can make a per episode donation there and in return you get every episode earlier, you get ten to thirty per cent more episode every week and, depending on how much you donate, you get a bunch of other cool shit, too.  And if you want to forego the cool shit and make a one time donation, you can do that by clicking on the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but spending money isn’t your style, you can also help us a ton by giving us a five star review on iTunes, and thanks, by the way, to all the lovely listeners that heeded our call for more iTunes reviews last week.  It really means a lot to us.

Oh, and if you like to get your podcasts on the go, check out the Stitcher App and listen to us there.  That helps us out, too.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 62: Partial Transcript

April 24, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Click Here to Become a Patreon Patron and Get Longer Shows Earlier and Free Shit

Link to Quranify Me Podcast

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Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the final edit due to time constraints.

 

Warning: I’m guessing these motherfuckers are gonna cuss.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new discrete website for funding international terrorism, Pay-Palestine.  Are you secretly sending ammunition and RPGs to starving people who need medicine and calling it humanitarian aid?  Are international sanctions fucking up your lavish lifestyle?  Do you just really need an assload of fertilizer for legitimate purposes and don’t want to wind up on a government watch list?  Then try the only financial service provider less transparent than the Vatican bank.

Pay-Palestine; Mullahs moving moolah.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s April 24th,

And Hitler shared a rebirthday with Jesus last Sunday.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Au Juicy” New York, New York,

And “Freedom Dipped” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • Goys R Us and FaoSchwitz Toy Stores inexplicably fill up with Jews not seeking toys,
  • The earth will be destroyed in a fiery catastrophe,
  • And Paul from Quranify Me will join us to help earn that elusive fatwa.

But first, the diatribe.

 

Diatribe:

I got an email a while back from a listener named Howard that expounded on what he called “Igtheism”.  The concept breaks down like this: The question on the test reads “Do you believe in God?”.  Option A is yes, which is a theist, of course.  Option B is no, which is an atheist.  For the purposes of this example, Option C is “insufficient information” and that’s your layman’s-definition agnostic.  Option D, the one for Igtheist, would basically be “What the fuck are you talking about?”

The point is that I can know enough about your religion to reject it without having the blindest clue exactly what I’m rejecting.  What the hell does it even mean to “believe in god?”  What is god?  I asked a Christian to define god and his first answer was “well, he’s not an old man sitting on a cloud somewhere.”  And until then I had no idea that the definition of god was interchangeable with the one for pancakes and butt-lube, which are also not old men sitting on clouds somewhere.

So let me share with you my latest “Igtheist” moment.  I was at an “Ask an Atheist” event last week and, of course, we’re talking about morality.  In particular, there’s a Muslim girl asking why we don’t rape and murder people if god isn’t there to punish us for it.  Now, obviously the question was disingenuous… either that or she hated her life so much she just knowingly walked into a room of murdering rapists, but during the discussion I pointed out that in the Christian religion there’s nothing that forbids murderers and rapists from going to Heaven.  I pointed out that, in fact, one need not do a single decent thing in their life provided they take Christ as their personal savior and sincerely ask to be forgiven… and then just to be an asshole I turned to the Christians in the room and said, “Right?”  And they reluctantly agreed and it was awesome.

So the Muslim girl is carrying on undeterred and during the “No True Scotsman” portion of her act she turned to a Christian girl and said, “To you, what does it mean to be a Christian?” and apparently she expected a succinct answer.  And what she got, to the surprise of not one single atheist in the room, was neither succinct nor an answer.

Instead she launches into the whole “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship” spiel and offers up this stuttering, disjointed, imperfect recollection of the thing her preacher was saying that day when she got all tingly.  There was a mountain in there somewhere and god was on top of it and we couldn’t get to him so he sent Jesus down to put together some kind of HOV bypass lane or something.  And there was some stuff about love, maybe a series of random “Family Circus” captions and a Captain Planet monologue.  And Jesus loved her.

And if there had been a mildly polite way of saying it, I’d have loved to ask her at the end, “Now, did that actually make sense to you?  All of those words that you just used… in the order you used them?  That represents a coherent thought to you?”

Think about this for a second.  If you ask the average Christian what it means to be a Christian, not a single fucking one of them can explain it sensibly.  And when you try to get some detail out of them, they get frustrated and angry.

What does it mean that Christ died for my sins?  How does that even make sense?  And doesn’t that mean I should sin like crazy so Jesus gets his money’s worth?

What do you mean God is Love?  Can I apply the reflexive property and make sweet god by the fire?  And does the transitive property mean that God is a battlefield?

And despite this universal inability to attach a meaningful definition to their proposal, they defend it passionately… and get pissed at you for not accepting their nebulous assertion.

Imagine some guy out on the street with a petition to… whatever… to ban animal testing, let’s say.  And you ask him “what is animal testing?” and he says, “well… animal testing is… it’s love, you know?  It’s like, sort of… um… imagine there’s a mountain…”

And yet right now there are countless people vociferously defending a religion they can’t explain.  But how the hell can you be passionate about something you can’t even define?

 

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is horrible role model Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to inspire kids to drink and do drugs?

Remember kids, drugs and alcohol make you funnier and more popular.  Is a few hours of euphoria worth becoming funny and popular over?!?

In our lead story tonight, Hobby Lobby’s theological dictator is one step closer to actualizing his plan of forcibly Christianizing the nation this week now that the Mustang, Oklahoma school board has voted to adopt the controversial “Everyone should agree with my religion” course that he’s trying to implement in American schools.

I remember that class … It was right between recess … and lunch.

It was surveys, yeah… The course, as outlined, brilliantly blurs the lines of church/state separation by promising to focus on the composition and history of the bible.  Green insists that this is not about evangelism, because we all know how Southern Baptists love to forego evangelism in favor of academic and secular critiques of the bible.

We already have a secular critique of the Bible … called history class.  It’s an entire class about all the things that actually happened.  But everything in the Bible is true, so I don’t know what Christian parents are worried about?  If it happened, it’s gotta be in the history books, right?

A number of people disagree with Hobby Lobby president Steve Green’s assertion that this course is not intended to indoctrinate children, including Hobby Lobby president Steve Green.  In a 2013 speech that he’s desperately trying to distance himself from, Green said that the his goals for the curriculum were to show that bible is true; that the course would one day become mandatory and that it will teach students that (quote) “when we apply [the bible] to our lives in all aspects of our life, that it has been good.” (end quote), which he probably didn’t realize was a tacit approval of the Inquisition, the Crusades and Justin Bieber’s career.

There’s a reason history class doesn’t need a 4-year sister course called “No seriously, history is true”.

The curriculum itself is not yet available for review but some details have already been revealed, including the fact that it contains a section on how later scientific discoveries confirm biblical accounts and how Jesus worship led to gender and racial equality.  No word yet on how they will deal with the mountains of evidence that disprove almost every detail in the biblical narrative or the parts about buying your rape victims.

Hobby Lobby head promotes new biblical curriculum for public schools: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/04/15/hobby-lobbys-steve-green-another-project-public-school-bible-curriculum/

And in “Snape Shot First” news, six people who turned out not to be evil sorcerers were killed when several hundred angry villagers in Papua New Guinea ambushed a neighboring town, hoping to lynch some residents they believed to be evil sorcerers.  Two important lessons here: 1) Faith continues to cause murderous posse activity, and 2) Nobody likes magicians – even the ones that don’t exist.

With the exception of friend of the show “Eli Bosnick”, whom everyone loves, I agree.  That being said, I don’t think we should jump to conclusions here.  Since these brutal murders, there hasn’t been a single recorded case of necromancy on the island.

And documented cases of alchemy are down too, so I guess it’s working.  Torches and pitchforks are Allah-Kazaam’s worst nightmare.  The Mind Freak stops levitating and starts talking real fast:  “Sorcery?!? No, no, no, no.  Look, there’s a mirror under the table.  And it’s joined in the middle, and there’s a spring around it … It pops it open when it’s inside the tube.  Yeah, I’m a complete fraud.”

Which reminds me, I haven’t plugged my “Send Uri Geller to Papua New Guinea” Kickstarter for a while…

There is no Spooooon Man!!!  I’m okay if Soundgarden goes with him.  

Six killed in witchhunt in Papua New Guinea: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-04-16/an-png-sorcery-killings/5395726

And in “Separation of Church and Do What Now?” news tonight, state representative Thomas Carmody has pulled his controversial bill that sought to make the King James Bible the official “state book” of Louisiana.  The bill faced strict opposition for not being inclusive; with representative Stephen Ortego pointing out that the state book should be inclusive to all Louisiana citizens who accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior; not just the ones who use the King James version of the inerrant and unchanging word of god.

So scores of Muslim families continue converging on Louisiana, but now when they look up the state book, they’ll drop their Korans for Esperanto Bibles?

Carmody eventually withdrew his divisive bill, though he was careful to point out that it had nothing to do with respecting secular boundaries or not thinking Jesus was the shit.  Instead, he realized that Louisiana’s 49th ranked state education system means most of his constituency can’t read anyway.

49th in state education … The new Ignorance-Betraying Chant of Louisiana should be : “Pen-Ultimate! Pen-Ultimate!”

Sorry, the survey in question included DC so it’s actually “Ante-pen-ultimate”… but they won’t know the difference.  Anyway, we’ve now turned state fossils and state books into proxy wars for church state separation.  If some republican ass-bubble introduces a bill that somehow incorporates religion into the decision on the official state soil, I have bingo.

Louisiana lawmaker withdraws proposal to make the bible the state book: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/04/21/lawmaker-shelves-proposal-to-name-bible-as-louisiana-state-book-says-had-become/

And in “You pray for oxygen, and I’ll breathe” news, Oregon parents Travis and Wenona Rossiter think medicine is for suckers, but more importantly they’re also terrible at praying, so their 12-year-old daughter died of treatable diabetes and complications related to negligent filicide.

To be fair, their entire religion is based on the virtue of filicide.

Their fundamentalist church teaches that prayer is the only kosher cure for anything, but during their manslaughter trial (which is a really nice way of saying murder-your-child trial), they don’t want the jury to know their motive was Jesus.  Because it would be unfair to prejudice the jury with truths.  And for some reason Judge Daniel Murphy has already ruled that past incidents of almost killing their daughter are irrelevant to this case, because this one is about actually succeeding in killing their daughter.

And what the hell is their secular excuse for disregarding their kid to death, exactly?  I mean… do they think that the jury will be more sympathetic to sentencing a child to a slow and painful death as long as they weren’t praying?

Should we also be allowed to do other equally helpful things, like NOTHING?!?  Since the success rates are exactly equal, you should also be allowed to sit there and watch the child die while you do absolutely nothing, or play Nintendo, or throw handfuls of sugar pills at them.  They must use a different placebo in diabetes research.   

Yeah, but you have to wonder if they learned that the hard way.  You know, for years there were these two diabetes researchers who thought they had the midas touch.  “Everything we think to test is performing better than sugar pills!  We’re geniuses!”

This type of absurdity shows one of the biggest problems with religion, as manifested in today’s society.  Yes, in some stupid technical sense, everyone has a right to their bullshit opinion … But you don’t get to smear your bullshit on other peoples faces.  And you DEFINITELY don’t get special privileges for being wrong … extra-confidently.  And also you can’t murder kids.

Do religious exemptions include murdering children?: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/22/faith-healing-parents-who-let-their-daughter-die-dont-want-jurors-to-know-about-their-religious-motive

And from the “Yeah, it’s probably bullshit but we’re reporting on it anyway” file tonight, the award noticing website “Black News (dot) com” is reporting that a new religion was recently founded in Atlanta that replaces tired old Jesus with the equally musically talented Beyonce.  Church founder Pauline Andrews insists that Beyonce is divine, adding, “no seriously”.

She’s divine, but she can’t even beat Taylor Swift on award night?  

Or write a song.  But other than that, omnipotent.  Pauline, who is either a dude or the victim of a poorly proofed pronoun, asks us to (quote) “consider what is more real; an invisible spirit on high or…” and it doesn’t really matter what he said after that because nothing sounds stupid when you compare it to theistic beliefs. The National Church of Bey is believed to be the first religion to crowdsource the writing of their holy book, which they’ve cleverlessly titled “The Beyble”.

What about “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying: From J to Z” ???

Well, he is the Iota and the Zeta.  So based on what I know of Beyonce, I’m guessing that some other god actually created the universe, but her contract stipulated she be listed as a “co-creator” so that she can get all the credit at the grammys without actually doing any of the work… fucking talentless bitch.  I’m sorry, but you’re a god damn underwear model that kind of sings good.  Be happy with that.

New church believes Beyonce to be God: http://www.blacknews.com/news/does-beyonce-really-have-her-own-church-it-appears-so-well-sort-of101.html#.U1aa1vldWa9

And finally tonight, from the “Take it in the Asteroid” file, Pat Robertson – chief astrophysicist for the 700 Club – announced that an asteroid will hit earth either next week, 1000 years from now, or in 1995 when his booked predicted it.  And in case we laypeople aren’t clear on whether an enormous rock hitting Earth would be bad, Robertson explains (quote) “I did the science on it … Once (the asteroid) hits the Earth’s crust, all kinds of bad things happen.”

It’s a funny story, but it’s harmless.  An evil old crazy guy with a vast fortune gleefully anticipating the destruction of the planet and the extinction of all life?  What could possibly go wrong?

As much as everyone would love to see Ben Affleck die in a nuclear explosion <<He was the bomb in phantoms, yo>>, Pat Robertson and Kirk Cameron would be even better.  These guys need to make some big-budget end-of-the world block busters together.  So let’s give them some ideas … 30 seconds on the clock for “Religious Propaganda Doomsday Movie Titles” … GO!!!

How about… Crouching Tiger, Seven Headed Dragon

End Times at Ridgemont High

Ju-Rapture Park II: This Time it’s Cataclysmic

Father Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Squirming and Love Jesus

How about Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill in “This is the unending, preachy, poorly improvised splooge joke”

Armageddon it on with a Priest

Doomsdazed and Confused

Guess Who?: Black Jesus is Coming to Dinner

The Six-Six-Sixth Sense?  I loved the surprise ending in that one… remember?  Where the seemingly talented director went on to never make anything worth watching again in his career?  Never saw that coming.

Sperminator 2: Judging Gays

Locust Pocus

Deeply Impacted Bowels

The Mark of the Beastmaster

Apocalypse Now- no Now- no Now!

Pat Robertson warns world may be destroyed by an asteroid next week: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/21/pat-robertson-doomsday-asteroid_n_5189084.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Well I guess we should wrap the headlines there, quick before Pat’s asteroid destroys the earth.  Heath, thanks as always.

Cholla…

And when we come back, we’ll learn that other holy books also suck.

 

Outro:

Before we power down the generators tonight, I wanted to give you a quick reminder that I’ll be on Atheist Hangouts with David (aka Gamma Atheist) on Saturday at 10pm eastern time.  It’s a live video chat, we’ll be talking tarot and other such new agey nonsense.  If you miss the live event, fear not, as archives will be available and we’ll be sharing links on all our various social media repositories.

Also wanted to let you know that I had to cut out a big chunk of the interview but if you want to hear the full version you can find it under the “extras” tab on our website, which is full of great extended interviews if you haven’t checked it out already.  And is, in fact, full of great extended interviews even if you have checked it out already.

I need to thank Heath, as always, for being a twisted fuck in such an endearing way; I need to thank Lucinda for everything she does both on and off the mic; I need to thank PK for providing this week’s installment of the Ken Ham blame shifting Farnsworth Quote wars and, of course, I need to thank Paul for giving us some of his time this week.  If you want to learn more about his show, you’ll find links to it on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most amiable atheists; Phillip, Tim, Other Phillip, Javier, Shelby, Lindsay, Adam, Reva, Erik, Josh, Richard, Oliver, Steve, Lise, Other Other Phillip, DL, Michael and Konrad.  Phillip, Tim and Other Phillip, whose testicles have cleared the debris from their orbital path; Javier, Shelby and Lindsay, who have enough gravitas to read a menu poignantly; Adam, Reva and Erik, whose ninjutsu is considered a nuclear deterrent; Josh, Richard and Oliver who would be more likely to call the doctor if their erections lasted less than four hours, Steve, Lise and Other Other Phillip, who are so rich they hired a maid to clean up after their maid; and DL, Michael and Konrad who are so sexy pastors exclude them by name when they say homosexual attraction is a sin.

These eighteen enviable epitomes of excellence have earned encomiastic exaltation this week by giving us money and/or valuable free advertising space.  Not everyone has the courage to give us money and/or valuable free advertising space, but if you think you share Phillip, Tim, Other Phillip, Javier, Shelby, Lindsay, Adam, Reva, Erik, Josh, Richard, Oliver, Steve, Lise, Other Other Phillip, DL, Michael and Konrad’s fearless tenacity, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And remember, our Patreon donors get longer shows earlier and extra free shit, so there are plenty of good reasons to make a recurring donation other than just keeping Heath liquored up.

And if you want to support our efforts, but donating money inflames your acne, you can also help us out by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, which depressingly few people have done lately; and you can also follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, circle us on that Google one nobody uses and subscribe to us on YouTube.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 61 – Partial Transcript

April 17, 2014 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

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Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints.

 

Warning: On the Scathing Atheist it’s always “Ask an Atheist” day, but sometimes the answer is “Fuck off.”

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by PassoverStock.com, Online purveyors of seasonal religious bullshit

Are you about to celebrate the day an Egyptian guy sort of helped out the Jews that one time?  Tired of the annual price gouge on bitter herbs, manischewitz, and enormous flat crackers?  Well we liquidated the shit you didn’t consume last year, so we can offer the best prices.

And now the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s April 17th

And a whole bunch of libertarians just paid income tax, even though the IRS is illegal.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from urban planning New York, New York…

And rural klanning Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode

  • We’ll be burdened by Job,
  • The Pope will accept his apology for all the kid fucking on our behalf,
  • And Christians find a way to re-purpose hamentaschen vagina cookies.

But first, the diatribe.

 

Diatribe

So I guess Ayaan Hirsi Ali can add “honorary Brandeis drop out” to her impressive list of accomplishments.  Member of Dutch parliament, award winning human rights advocate, author, world renowned opponent of female genital mutilation and one of Time magazine’s 100 most influential people in the world.  But not good enough for an honorary degree from Brandeis university?

And why, pray tell, did Brandeis balk on their plans to give her an honorary degree?  Well, as it turns out, her lifelong crusade against Islamic institutionalization of violence towards women hurt some Muslim’s feelings.

They pointed to comments she made that sound mean, especially when taken completely devoid of context.  And the university said, “well shucks, we can’t have mean people here, so fuck her.  No soup for you.”

So whatever, doesn’t matter.  If anything, her being denied this honorary degree has brought a hell of a lot more attention to her cause that actually receiving the honorary degree would have, but the principle of it still pisses me off and it’s something I’m seeing more and more.  What’s worse, a huge chunk of the secular community seem to be just fine with it.

What I’m talking about here is this notion that attacking a religion is somehow equated with racism.  People talk about “Islamophobia” alongside homophobia or racism as though the two things come from the same place.  I reject the term “Islamophobia” altogether, but if we’re gonna use it, can we at least agree that there’s a difference between hating gay people because you’re a bigot and fearing Muslims who are actively trying to harm you?

Ayaan Hirsi Ali was the victim of female genital mutilation.  She was beaten in the name of Islam.  She was the victim of a forced marriage.  The guy who directed the movie she wrote was murdered by Islamic militants and she’s received countless death threats from the same people.  When she talks about the dangers of Islam, she’s not some backwoods yokel spouting off about how the Jews is controllin’ the werld through them UPS satellites.  She’s an exceptional, brilliant human being speaking from personal experience.

And what were the remarks that Brandeis couldn’t be associated with?  Well, she’s said plenty of shit to piss off Muslims, but the quote I keep seeing in relation to the story comes from an interview in “Reason’ magazine back in 2007.  When asked about the path toward peace in the middle east, she said of Islam:

(quote) “Once it is defeated, it can mutate into something peaceful.  It’s very difficult to even talk about peace now.  They’re not interested in peace.”

I should point out, she was offered a chance to back that off a bit in the interview and made it very clear that she wasn’t just talking about “radical” Islam, she wasn’t just talking about “militant” Islam; she was talking about the religion.

Sounds horrible, right?  Sounds bad enough to almost justify all those Muslims getting so pissy about it, right?  Unless, of course, she’s right.

The multicultural crowd loves to spout on about how this is motivated by xenophobia when it comes from a middle-aged white dude like me, but what about when it comes from the victim herself?  They like to act like it’s a cardinal sin to suggest one religion is more destructive than another, but considering that’s an indisputable fact, maybe we should be allowed to talk about it, eh?

But when Sam Harris says, “Well, they do spawn way more than their fair share of international terrorists” he’s shouted down as a racist even though, you know, Islam isn’t a fucking race.

When Dawkins points out that, “Well, you know, the countries they control sure don’t contribute much to science” he’s shouted down as a bigot because how dare he point out that easily demonstrable fact?

And when Ayaan Hirsi Ali says that this religion; the religion she was born into and victimized by throughout her life; really does represent an existential threat to the rest of the world, she’s shouted down by the people she’s speaking out against and a bunch of multicultural, politically correct assholes.

Raping kids and covering it up is wrong.  And every Catholic that gave money to the church in the last 100 years had a hand in that and should be ashamed of themselves.  I can say that all I want and I don’t get accused of any kind of bigotry.

Chopping off a girl’s clitoris and then forcing her to marry someone and supporting acid attacks and honor killings while refusing to allow women access to education is wrong.  And every Muslim who continues to support the existence of the faith that embraces that shit should be ashamed of themselves.  And clearly, I say that because I’m a racist or something; even though there are a hell of a lot more clerics supporting honor killings and FGM than there are Catholic’s ass raping kids.

 

 

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is guy returning from a long weekend of bachelor party debauchery, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you feeling recovered yet?

I’m happy to say that I have facial sensations again, and I’m not a father!!!

Well, judging by the fundamentalist definitions you were a father, but yeah, doesn’t count if you’re an atheist.

In our lead story tonight, the Spanish town of Castrillo de Matajudios, is considering a name change, after someone finally pointed out to the ignorant tannish people there, that they might want to avoid the phrase “Jew Killer” in their title.  

Yeah, because ignorant tannish people should stop being such prejudicial racists.

So the excuse goes like this … Out of nowhere, the Spanish Inquisition starts.  

Never would have expected that.

And to appease the Hitler of 1478, everyone in town decided that a quick repaint of their highway sign, and “Castrillo Hill” could easily be “Castrillo Kill the Jews”.

Well, you don’t want to change it all at once; they can start by toning it down to “Jew Maimer”, then “Jew Raper” and eventually just “Jew Insulter” or something.

Quantitative Easing – Spain knows all about that stuff … And even if they do get rid of the Nazi-Ville title, many Spaniards will still be using the phrase “matar hudios” to reference their Easter ritual of drinking spiked lemonade; a practice that they affectionately call “Killing Jews”.  Apparently this tradition dates back to the very first Pog-Rums, when medieval Christians would get wasted, and publicly lynch Jews to punish them for alleged deicide.

I was gonna say that there are worse things to spike that lemonade…

Spanish town considers changing its name to something other than “Jew Killer”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/11/matajudios-jew-killer-town_n_5133302.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “At least he weren’t gay” news tonight, an article in the Harvard Theological Review strongly suggests that the notorious gospel fragment about Jesus’ wife is not a modern forgery.  Their data confirm that it was written between the sixth and ninth century; leading to yet more centers of advanced learning weighing in on the question of who a fictional character was boning.

What does it say about your religion if the son of god doesn’t get laid?

The fragment in question has Jesus referring to his wife and saying that she can be his disciple.  While this whole debate has a Thor’s hammer versus Captain America’s shield feel to it, I think it’s worth reflecting on the vitriolic opposition to the science we’re seeing from bitter old sexists who are arguing that it’s impossible that someone writing at least 600 years after the disputed existence of this clearly mythologized character would assume he was getting some pussy.

Would this mean priests could start fucking adult pussy, instead of whatever arrangement they have now?  Even just pussy … Baby steps.  Or better yet, I suppose, just adult.  Orifice TBD.

Yeah, that’s better.  Anyway, scientists arguing for the authenticity of the fragment point to radiocarbon testing of the ink, the chemical composition of the papyrus, patterns of oxidation on the fragment, as well as archaeological analyses of the handwriting and grammar.  Opponents dismiss this evidence, citing the widely confirmed consensus that Jesus would never use his dick recreationally.

Ancient reference to Jesus’ wife found not to be a forgery: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/04/10/study-jesus-wife-fragment-not-a-fake/

And in “Kettle One Morality” news, a new study on societal perception of atheism by psychologist Will Gervais manages to prove simultaneously, that people are fucking stupid, and that people think atheists are immoral.

Yeah, at that Ask an Atheist thing I did it Georgia Southern tonight I got a Muslim girl to admit that (1) the only reason that she doesn’t kill people is because god said it was bad and (2) that if god changed his mind she would kill people.  It scares the shit out of me that it wasn’t harder.

Gervais sets up the experiment by giving people a general description of a terrible, evil, sociopathic person named Dax, and then asks them a multiple choice question.  One entire experimental group got this question: Which is more likely? A) Dax is a teacher … or B) Dax is a teacher that is atheist.  

Or C, he’s a teacher who’s an atheist with green pubes that have crabs that draw Venn Diagrams.

Other groups got the same question, but with choice B as a different religion or race, instead of atheist.  Choice B) is a subset of A) in every case, so the answer is obviously fucking A) !!! … But the group given the option to demonize atheists, did so far more than any other group demonized their option B) demographic.

Yeah, but to be fair, religious is a subset of stupid and stupid people all have trouble with this one.

Sadly, this study shows that still – even today – society associates reason with evil.  But it was even worse as you go back through the centuries.  So just about every great scientist – despite being falsely claimed as an adherent by some religion – was probably a silent atheist trying to avoid a lynch mob or a guillotine, while they did evil shit like forward human understanding of the universe.

People think atheists are more likely to be evil: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/16/new-study-shows-that-even-atheists-think-atheists-are-immoral

And in “Why you keep bringin’ up old shit?” news, Pope Fran-Sisyphus asked for forgiveness for all the kids his church has tortured over the past couple of centuries.  So if you were still waiting on the new pontiff to take some concrete steps towards fixing the problem, I think it’s time to exhale.  He’s asked for forgiveness, which is almost as good as saying you’re sorry.  So, you know, problem solved.

I assume Pope Frankle Grabber’s going for the Lord’s forgiveness, right?  I would imagine it’s much easier to get forgiveness from the Lord, than centuries of rape victims.

Well, I don’t know… rape victims do exist.  So critics point out (or, are about to point out) that despite his contrite attitude, the church he heads is still… right now, this very moment… sheltering accused priests, contractually silencing it’s victims as a prerequisite to compensation and refusing to discipline bishops who demonstrably covered up the crimes.  So yeah, “Terribly sorry about that time I hit you with that baseball bat.  And the next time I hit you with it.”  Doesn’t do it for me.

It’s like the horrible tourist saying “Sorry” AS they try to smash onto a crowded rush hour subway with twelve suitcases, a stroller, a large ficas plant, and a tandem bicycle.  You’re obviously not that sorry!!! … A surfboard AND skis?!?

Pope Franarchy in the UK made the comments on the Vatican radio last friday, adding that (quote) “You don’t play around with the lives of children… their scrotum’s sure, but not their lives.”

Pope asks for forgiveness for pedophelia, still shields perps from prosecution: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/11/pope-francis-sex-abuse-forgiveness_n_5132019.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Southern Belle Curves” news, Mississippi schools teach SexEd about as well as they teach all the other subjects.  Thanks to the signature maturity and wisdom of Christians, students are being taught ‘abstinence-only’ versions of the real curriculum, in which crucial public health information – like how to use condoms – is forbidden.  Local teens still buy them, but only for keister-smuggling crank, like God intended.

I don’t get this shit… The bible says nothing at all about condoms and obviously God used protection every time but that one.

This is literally the argument … On the one hand, communities that teach Bible-inspired “abstinence-only” sex education in their schools tend to have grossly higher rates of teen pregnancy and STD’s.  On the other hand, God’s dick has literally been everywhere, and he knocked up Mary when she was like thirteen …

Religious people with logically incoherent views?  I don’t know…

Considering the entire lesson plan for a semester of abstinence-only SexEd is “Don’t do that” … One wonders: What the fuck are they teaching?!?  How to build a bridge out of a witch?!? …

No – they decided to spend the time slut-shaming females, by passing a peppermint patty around the room to show how multiple handlers ruins candy, just like it ruins a vagina.

These abstinence only guys need to make up their mind.  Is a vagina a cookie, a chewed piece of gum, a cup full of spit?  Quit confusing these kids with new analogies!

And they’re obviously setting up the lesson wrong.  It would make a lot more sense to have all the students finger the same prostitute.  And then smell each others Lady Fingers.  And of course that means we’ll need 30 seconds on the clock for “Genital-Themed Snack Foods” … GO!!!  

That’s a tough one, though… So many snack foods are already named after genitals… Mounds, Twinkies, Almond Joy, Creampies, Juicy Fruit, Honey Buns, Fudge Rounds… But I guess, considering the headline, we should start with Pepper-Minge Patties.

Love those girlscouts, and their thin minges …

What about: Slit-O-Honey?  

Clit Kat Bars?  Muslims love to break ‘em off a piece of that…

Putz’s Pretzels? … Fold Golds?

Hostess Hoo-Has.  Wait, you did 2 so… um… 3 Muff-keteers.

Golden Clams Cereal: “How do they cram all that clam?!?”

Famous Anus

Charleston Cooze

Double Muffed Whore-e-Os… the part the censors didn’t show you from Total Recall

What about … twatchamacallit? … Milky Spray Bars?

I don’t know, but it makes me vertically smile.  How about Slutter-Fingers?

And every anatomy teacher needs a set of Wax Labia.

And in the sense you’re using the term, we’re all anatomy teachers.

Mississippi sex ed teaches that sexually active girls are like used cookies: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/11/this-is-how-bizarre-and-ineffective-sex-education-is-in-mississippi-schools/

And finally tonight, from the “Vicious Killers Out Toddling the Streets” file, Pakistani authorities have dismissed attempted murder charges against Mohammad Musa, who was wanted on multiple felony accounts including the attempted murder of a police officer.  When the charges were dismissed, Musa had no comment for the press, because he’s a nine month old baby.

To be fair, that’s an 18-month-old, in religion years.  Full year and a half.  Why don’t they celebrate their zygote day, instead of their birthday, if that’s when life began?!?

I tried and tried to discover that this story was satire, but it turns out, not so much.  And we’re not talking about a case where this baby just happened to have the same name as some wanted murderer or anything.  The cops literally said this infant was part of a mob that attacked police in January when he was going through his rebellious 6 month old phase.  They even fingerprinted the little guy for fuck’s sake.

I’m picturing the defendant in bronzed shoes, shackled together, for the hearing.

Admittedly, this story has absolutely nothing to do with religion, but holy shit, how could I pass up on an opportunity to close on, “That’s one mean baby”?

Pakistani courts drop attempted murder charges against 9 month old baby: http://www.ctvnews.ca/world/pakistani-judge-dismisses-charges-against-9-month-old-accused-of-attempted-murder-1.1772973

So Heath, thanks as always.

Evil Babies!!

And when we come back, we’re gonna try to figure out why they named Blow Jobs after such a miserable dude.

 

Poem – Job

 

My name is Job and I’m righteous;

Of all the people on the globe I’m the nicest;

When you come to my abode, I’ll show kindness;

The tales about my moral code? They’ll be timeless.

 

I’m rollin’ in goats; I got camels, see?

I could fill a motherfuckin’ boat; when I travel; Be-

Cause it’s way too much to tote; all my mammals; Please

Don’t think I mean to gloat; but my family?

 

I got ten kids and they’re rich as hell;

There’s mom’s a pretty hot bitch as well;

It’s a motherfuckin’ mountain from which I fell.

Cause I gotta story about a switch to tell… You see,

 

There’s a fella named God; and he’s heinous;

You might have heard about all his flawed views on gayness;

Anyway, he told the devil to applaud; cause I’m blameless

But the devil said I was a fraud; what an anus.

 

So the devil offered him a deal and he took it,

Forgive me if I kinda feel it was crooked,

Even though my life was lived ideal, he forsook it,

So he put me through every damn ordeal in his book, it…

 

Started when he sent a burglar to take my shit.

Then he decides to murder my fucking kids;

Any impartial observer’d have to admit,

My righteous ass didn’t deserve all the stuff he did.

 

The devil said I hadn’t had enough; that Satanic whore.

So in addition to this stuff, god adds even more.

I guess he had to leave me suffering on the floor;

So he covered me in rough, cracked and bleeding sores.

 

But I wasn’t dissuaded at all, my friends;

My life has surely been downgraded, all but condemned,

But I never was persuaded to fall to sin,

My misery left me jaded, and small, and then…

 

All my pals showed up to console me; ostensibly.

You see they kept trying to cajole me offensively.

Into thinking this was all a toll that god sensibly

Was exacting from my soul quite expensively.

 

But I insisted that my suffering was undeserved.

And still they went on muttering undeterred.

This, that and another thing, so absurd…

“Motherfucker was I stuttering? Mark my words!”

 

“I didn’t do shit to have earned this fate!”

But they never seem to get that there’s no debate.

So eventually they quit and I’m left to wait

Until god decides he won his bet. I say, “Bitch, you’re late.”

 

He said he was the alpha and the omega and all that jazz.

I said “Did you hear me when I begged you to make this pass?”

He said “Motherfucker, I’m your maker, which means, alas,

That if I decide I wanna break you, I’ll break your ass.”

 

And that’s the closest that he comes to explaining why;

Gives me all new young, what a stand up guy.

If there’s anything to take from this book and apply,

It’s that life is probably gonna fuck you before you die.

 

Babble

The book of Job is dense; morbid; repetitive and dull, but on the bright side, it’s the first thing I’ve read in the bible that left me thinking “Yeah, okay, I can see having that in your book of morals.”  Not too rapey, not too xenophobic… no begats.

I’ll save everyone some time.  Skip Job, and go see Fiddler on the Roof, which is an allegory in musical form.  Better yet, skip both, and just remember to nod, smile, and bend over so God can smite you.

I was gonna recommend perusing a “Shit Happens” bumper sticker.  Anyway, joining us to tackle this infamous tale of perverse gambling addiction is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, what did you think of this one?

It was weird.  Parts of it were good but it didn’t seem like it belonged there… or made any real sense.  It was kinda like the Tom Bombadil part of Lord of the Rings in that way.

Fair enough.  So get us started if you don’t mind.

  1. Job doesn’t fuck around.  We get action quick.  So in chapter one we learn that Job is rolling in sheep and donkeys and loves him some god.  But Satan shows up and says, “Well sure, you’re giving him camels.  But if you didn’t give him camels he’d go all Noah and Heath on you.”
  • And apparently hypothetical challenges like that work on omnipotent gods.
  1. Right so god says, “Oh yeah?” and all at once he kills all his donkeys and camels and sheep and kids.  All ten of his kids.  But all Job does is shave his head and say, “Fuck it.  God is still awesome.”
  • So we get full confirmation that God’s a degenerate gambler in the first chapter.  When some guy walks in and immediately starts instigating this elaborate bet about human nature … Oh, and the guy is the SATAN you created … You should maybe think twice.
  1. But Satan points out (and rightly so) that God didn’t actually do anything to Job.  I mean, having your kids and your donkeys killed sucks and all, but it sucks a lot more for the donkeys and kids than the dude who possesses them.
    1. So once again god goes all “Oh yeah?” on him and covers Job with festering sores.
  • And to provide comfort, from his festering body sores, his three male friends show up, tear off their robes, cover themselves in sand, and lay with him silently in a naked pile for an entire week, likely creating a pearly white mass.
  1. Then Job spends a chapter poetically wishing he’d never been born.
    1. Yes and I think that it’s worth pointing out that the thing that distinguishes biblical poetry from biblical prose is that in the poetry each line is followed by another line that says exactly the same thing.  So yes, the poetry is even more repetitive than the prose.
  • Repetetive, boring, and creepy.  At one point in his poem, Job wishes he had been a miscarriage, or at the very least for his mom to have no breasts so he would die of MIDS, or Milk-less Infant Death Syndrome.
  1. Right.  So boo-hoo, I’m covered in festering sores and my kids are dead…
  • So his friend Eliphaz finally speaks up: “Would you feel better if I told you … it’s impossible to understand the decisions of an imperceptible deity? … No?”
  1. And all Job’s buddies are telling him, “You should look into this god thing, cause, you know, he can sort this shit out for you.”
  • Yeah, we’re a modern nomadic desert tribe.  People don’t just get skin problems unless they broke a god rule.  You must have broken a god rule.
  1. But Job says… a whole bunch of shit, but basically it’s a really drawn out “Fuck off.”
    1. And it’s more tedious than you can imagine.  It’s page after page of shit like: “In times of heat they despair; when it is hot, they vanish from their place.  The caravans turn aside from their course; they go up into the waste and perish.  The caravans of Tema look, the travelers of Sheba hope.  They are disappointed because they were confident; they come there and are confounded”…  Brutal.
  2. But despite Job’s poetic bellyaching to the contrary, his friends are insistent.  They tell him, “look dude, for your life to suck this bad, you must have done something to piss god off.”
  • You must have worn a tassle with no sub-tassles or something.
  1. And Job says, “Well what am I gonna do?  Call his 800 number?  Tell him he fucked up and hit the wrong guy with all those boils and calamities?”
  2. But he can’t just say it like that.  Instead we get three straight chapters of melodramatic teenager Facebook posts.
    1. Teenagers don’t use Facebook.
    2. Okay, MySpace. Whatever.
    3. I think they’re dialing up to those Prodigy newsgroups now.
  3. And still his friends insist he’s gotta be fucking the babysitter or something.
  4. Please stop terrorizing me.  And can you send me a copy of the parking ticket, just so I know what I did.  Or just do anything.  Flash your brights.
  5. And damn is this thing dense.  I read through whole chapters and then stopped and said, “what the fuck did I just read?”  It’s like a middle-schooler trying to be Shakespearean.
  6. Then Eliphaz brings up a good point… in 35 verbose stanzas.  He basically says, “Job, how can you say you didn’t do anything to piss off god when pretty much everything pisses off god?”
  7. Then Job answers… in thirty eight verbose stanzas, “Woe is me, woe is me and fuck off, the lot of you.”
  8. And despite his relentless bemoaning, his buddies are still trying to cheer him up, so Bildad chimes in.
    1. Yeah and he tells Job to quit his bellyaching.  And Bildad wants to say, “God punishes people who do bad shit.”  Why can’t he just say that?  Can’t he just say that.
  9. And then Job bitches and moans some more anyway .
  10. And it just goes on like that for a long time.  Job will say “Shit happens” then one of his friends will say “shit doesn’t happen” and then he’ll say “shit happens” and so on.
  11. And it really demonstrates the problem with the whole god concept.  Because at a certain point his buddies are just throwing shit at the wall to see if it’ll stick.  In chapter 22 Eliphaz says, “Have you tried giving away all your shit?  That’s a good idea when you’re covered in boils and unemployable, right?”
  • Maybe you’re saying the prayers wrong?  Or maybe it was your whore-daughter?  Did you forget to stone your whore-daughter?
  1. And Job actually makes some pretty good arguments for atheism in it… or at least deism.  He’s pointing out to everybody how wicked people don’t always get what’s coming to them and good people like himself get ass raped by fate from time to time.  But his buddies aren’t buying it.
  2. And then we get chapter 25 which is my favorite and not because it’s a sixth as long as the other chapters.  But Bildad is rebutting Job’s claim that he’s living a pure life and he basically says, “Well… you did come out of a vagina.”
    1. Right, Job 25:4 “How can one born of a woman be pure.”
  • That’s why a lot of Jewish communities are now hatching their kids, like in “Aliens”.
  1. As I’m reading this thing I was dreading doing this segment.  Because what is there to say, “And the friends say ‘the exact same shit again’ and then Job says, ‘the exact same shit again’”?
  2. Yep.  Either Job is saying he wishes he was dead or he’s pining for the good old days.
  3. …fucking tedious.
  4. I love that in chapter 31 Job’s talking about how moral he is and he says, “Have I not been good to my slaves?”… Yeah, what possible immoral act could you be doing here?
  • Yeah it said he addressed all their grievances fairly, as long as their grievance wasn’t “I’m a fucking slave.”
  1. He also says, “If my heart has been enticed by a woman let other dudes rape my wife, for that would be just”.  So yeah, Job was a stand up guy.
  • I think Job 31:31 is relevant here … (quote) “[…] Those of my household have never said ‘Who has not been filled with Job’s meat?'”
  1. Then this YouTube comments debate between Job and his buddies draws to a merciful close; but as soon as it does, Elihu chimes in.
    1. Just in case you hadn’t gotten your fill of repetitive poetic debate.
  2. And Elihu is basically pissed at all of Job’s friends for not proving that he was a sinful asshole.
  3. And this goes on for chapters and chapters.  And for all of those people who tell me that there’s some deep beauty to this book… look, chapter 36 contains the phrase, “Truly my words are not false.”  That’s shit writing.  I’m sorry.
  • Yeah that’s the second line of an 7-year-old’s first haiku.  Granted a 7-year-old that can count up to their age, but they’re not bringing much more to the table …  “And-Po-Em-Is-Done.”
  1. And the whole Elihu bit was clearly added after somebody read through this book and realized it made a great case for telling the clergy to fuck off.  I mean, the clear message in this whole thing is “You can do everything god wants and he’ll still kill your kids and fill your rectum with boils,” so the prolonged Elihu speech is inserted to mitigate that a bit.
  2. And his whole argument could basically be summed up as “Sure, Job’s getting ass fucked here, but look at trees!”
  • And Job’s like: “What about trees?” … “Bend over, and I’ll show you.”
  1. Then finally God shows up, late to the comment thread as always.
    1. And his answer is no better than Job’s buddies.
    2. Yeah, he basically tells him to rub some dirt in it.
  • Pour some Jobitussin on it.
  1. So god goes on with a checklist of everything he’s ever done from making horses jump to putting stars in the heavens in this perpetual “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch” speech.
  • Right – God clearly doesn’t want to admit that Satan tricked him into another bet, like he’s Nathan Detroit from Guys and Dolls … So he goes on a rant that ends with Zach Galifinakis describing the eagle: (quote) “It dwells on a cliff and stays there at night; a rocky crag is its stronghold. From there it looks for food; its eyes detect it from afar. Its young ones feast on blood, and where the slain are, there it is.” (end quote) … So God’s big final reveal is that he invented birds that eat decomposing dead animals.
  1. And he gets so carried away listing his accomplishments that he starts making shit up.  I mean, what was all that behemoth shit about?
  • I guess the Bible needed some science cred, so they wrote in some cryptozoology.  And as it turns out, God has some weird bestiality issues … Because he’s clearly sexually attracted to the enormous liquid-metal land beast he created.  And all the descriptions were weird, loins-region body parts that should really be pointed to on a doll.
  1. Yeah, and the fire-sneezing leviathan… God’s challenging Job and he might as well be saying, “Well what right do you have to question me?  You can’t even catch a snipe.”
    1. Guessing from my knowledge of 80s action movies, I think that’s the thing Jesus will have to fight at the end.  Like, the boss villain.
  • I can already picture Charlton Heston, standing in the middle of the Jordan river, shooting a whale in the face with an AK-47.
  1. And in the end god gave Job new camels and children and he lived happily ever after.
  • And he’s not even Jewish!!!  They better be careful giving whole books to a gentile … Or else someone’s gonna hijack your protagonist, get him killed, and blame you for the murder.

Job is generally held to be the oldest book in the bible, but it’s certainly not the longest.  That honor goes to the insanely long fucker we’ve got coming up next; Psalms.  A hundred and fifty of those motherfuckers.

I quit.

Instead, can we listen to 150 hours of Ted Nugent singing?  Or 150 hours of Ted Nugent talking?  While he gives us a sandpaper colonoscopy?

Too late.  But the good news is that buried somewhere in the midst of all that crap is the midway point of the bible so we’re getting there.

 

Outro

Before we retreat to our coffins tonight, I wanted to offer a quick thanks to everyone at the Georgia Southern Secular Student Alliance for inviting me out to chat with them for Ask an Atheist Day.  I had a blast, we’ll have to do it again sometime.  We recorded a Farnsworth Quote while I was there… or at least we thought we did, but I didn’t double check the settings on my recorder so we didn’t, which pisses me off because it was a good one, but other than that, hell of a night.  Thanks to Don, Craig, Brendan, Wendell, Zach, Chris… the long haired dude… the two girl’s whose name I never caught and everybody I’m forgetting to name.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you for the night, but if you want more, there’s more.  You can catch me for a few seconds on the latest episode of the Herd Mentality with Adam Reakes, and if that’s not enough (and it’s not), you can also catch me on Atheistically Speaking with Thomas and special guest CJ Werleman on Monday.  I’ll also be on Atheist Hangouts with Gamma Atheist next Saturday, that’s the 26th and that’ll be live; I’ll have the links for it on the shownotes for this episode.

Herd Mentality

Atheistically Speaking

Atheist Hangouts

Of course I need to thank Heath for not making it too obvious how much funnier than me he is, I need to thank Lucinda for taking the bible like a champ, and of course, I need to thank Katja for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, though I think we’ll need more than that before we’re willing to forgive you for Ken Ham.  I’m thinking the Southern Cross and that big ass rock you guys have.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most dedicated deuterostomes; Steve, William, Leo, Alden, Ryan, Aiden, Andrew, Matt, Jeff, Cameron, James, Keovar, Stuart, other Steve, Nick, Adam, Alan and Joel.  Steve, William and Leo, whose testicles have lagrangian points; Alden, Ryan and Aiden, whose intellects are so powerful their brains eat zombies; Andrew, Matt and Jeff, whose nunchaku skills are the only thing Putin truly fears; Cameron, James and Keovar, who are so sexy even blind people masturbate to their pictures; Stuart, Other Steve and Nick, whose erections would make Spiderman feel acrophobic; and Adam, Alan and Joel, who are so cool they’re measured in Kelvin.

Together, these eighteen sexy bastards earned the right to call themselves super-atheists this week by giving us money.  Only the most heroic and virtuous listeners have what it takes to give us money, but if you were looking for an excuse to wear a cape anyway, you can help support our efforts by making a per episode donation at Pateron (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist or you can make a one time donation by going to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and clicking on the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage.

And, of course, if you want to help us but your money’s still tied up in that reversible condom concept, you can always leave us a review on iTunes or download the Stitcher app, check us out there and show us some love in the comments.  And oh yeah, we’re really close to our 2000th Twitter follower so be sure to volunteer for that honor, too.  And oh other yeah, but the book on Amazon.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 60 – Partial Transcript

April 10, 2014 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the final cut due to time constraints.

Link to Support the Show on Patreon (and get cool stuff)

Link to Buy the Book

Link to the Episode

 

Warning: Despite movie titles to the contrary, god is dead.

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new fast food chicken restaurant for sexual deviants; Chick Fellatio.  Where godless perverts go to wolf down cock.

Chick Fellatio; because we don’t want you degenerates and homos eating at our other restaurants.

And now the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s April 10th

And normally black people are way cooler, but the over-sized baseball hat, with no curve … and the sticker on the inside of the brim … That was a cultural mis-step.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from America’s G-Spot, New York, New York…

And America’s unpopped boil, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode

  • A Polish priest will notice the Lego brick road to atheism.

  • We’ll discuss Heath’s balls,

  • And we’ll learn that “God hates gay corporations too.”

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

If another person tells me how religion helps people cope with death, I’m gonna kick ‘em in the nuts.  And if it’s a woman or a eunuch, I’ll surgically attach nuts to them, just so I can kick them.

My best friend lost his mother a couple of weeks ago.  And I’ve been writing this diatribe in my head ever since.  I wanted to talk about it a few episodes back, but when you’re friends with somebody for twenty-five years, you get to be friends with their whole family and I didn’t trust myself to get through it.

See, I was with him when he got the call; she had a massive stroke while she was out shopping and after a few very difficult days in ICU, she passed.  And I don’t think my friend would mind me saying that he was a momma’s boy.  They were extremely close.  Needless to say, he was devastated.

And here’s my godless ass standing next to him while he gets this information and I’ve got nothing to say.  At once I saw the utility of those grief-platitudes the religious people have; all the “she’s in a better place” and “god has a plan” bullshit.  Because in the moment; when someone you love is going through the worst pain in their life, there isn’t a fucking thing you can say that’ll make a difference.  There was nothing I could say that would make it hurt less.

All I could say is, “Dude, I’m so sorry,” and “If you need anything, I’m here.”  Useless.  Utterly useless.  Because one way or the other, losing your mom is agony and there’s no magical combination of words that alleviates it.  But, as it turns out, there are plenty of combinations of words that exacerbate it.

I’ve gone on record before saying I don’t believe for a second that religious people are comforted by thoughts of Heaven in their grief.  I don’t want to rehash my reasoning here, but if you want to know the details, check out the diatribe from episode nine.  And while I’ve yet to see any evidence that religion makes death easier to deal with, I’ve seen ample evidence over the past month that it can make it a lot harder to deal with.

Ever since his mom died, the faith vultures have been circling.  And it’s not just the hollow banalities about how his mom is with her favorite puppy or that god needed another angel and somehow can’t just fashion his own.  He’s getting plenty of that shit and I’m sure it’s driving him nuts, but it’s nowhere near as egregious as all the people trying to springboard his personal tragedy into evangelical opportunity.

Now, I know these people are ultimately well intentioned in their own minds.  I mean, none of them are rubbing their hands together going, “Excellent; he’s at his weakest.  Grab the crucifix and get him!”  They’re all trying to help.  They’re telling him he should go to their church or he should pray with them or he should submit to god because they honestly think that shit’ll make things better.  It doesn’t occur to them how pissed off they would be if a bunch of Muslims were trying to convert them at their mother’s funeral.  They’ve been told a million times that the only thing that makes mortality bearable is the Jesus, so they’re trying to give him the Jesus.

But just because something’s well-intentioned doesn’t mean it’s forgivable.  This isn’t a buddy who keeps his atheism close to his chest or anything, it’s tattooed on his fucking body.  He’s a vocal nonbeliever and most of the people who are trying to guilt him back to church know this good and damn well.  So not only does he have to deal with all the grief and misery that comes with losing his favorite person; he also has to keep his bullshit shield constantly at the ready.

It gets worse, of course.  He was having a lot of trouble and wanted to talk to somebody so he set out to find a psychologist he could chat with.  He’s got a lot more pride than money so this was a tough thing for him to do.  He’s not the kind of person who easily opens up to complete strangers, so I’m sure it was really hard for him to muster the willpower to walk in the door.

And within five minutes, the fucking therapist was telling him how Jesus could Jesus that pain away if he’d just Jesus.  I made him aware of the secular therapy project when he told me this story and we’re still trying to find some help for him, but secular therapy doesn’t have much of a presence in South Georgia and the whole time we’re hunting, he’s not getting help.

So sure, in a technical sort of way death is easier to deal with when you’re religious, but that’s only because you don’t have to put up with all the proselytizing cock-hammers.  It’s like spiritual extortion; religious people aren’t insulated against grief; they’re just insulated against religion.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is gracefully aging Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to talk about the coefficient of testicular expansion?

I’m only 32, and I already accidentally tea-bagged my first toilet bowl … Scrubbing bubbles … So ladies, if you’re into ball size, talk to me.

Wow… that might be the most disturbing image we’ve ever opened with.  Anyway, in our lead story tonight, the internet is killing god.  A recent study by Professor Allen B. Downey at the Olin College of Engineering provides yet more evidence of something both atheists and theists probably knew; there is a strong correlation between internet use and non-belief.

So more information … equals less belief in god.  Basically Al Gore created the Atheist Superhighway, and you’ll all be extinct soon, just like Darwin said you would.  Eat it!!!

The data set Downey used suggests that internet use may be a stronger factor in the loss of belief that education or even the religiosity of one’s parents.  He does concede that it’s (quote) “not impossible to imagine plausible reasons why disaffiliation might cause increased Internet use”, (end quote) and while I’m sure the sudden lack of mastubatory prohibitions that motivate many newly minted atheists contribute, Professor Downey and I agree that most of the correlation probably goes the other way.

For me, it’s almost impossible to find god left-handed.  But seriously, given all the information available on the internet, there’s more evidence of Chuck Norris being omnipotent, than any religious god.  

This adds to mountains of existing data that suggest the same; and I think it’s worth noting that the most common causal explanation here is “access to information”.  I know it seems obvious to atheists; but I think it’s worth bringing that up to religious folks from time to time; the more access to information people have, the less likely they are to agree with you.

Study shows strong correlation between internet use and atheism: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/05/what-single-factor-is-most-responsible-for-people-leaving-religion/

And in “Montreal Canadien Puck-Head” news, the Parti Quebecois, or Kweebakoys Party – put their notorious red-necky spin on what could have been reasonable secular legislation, when they proposed a set of laws that would allow public-sector employees to be fired if they refuse to comply with regulations banning non-essential headwear, such as all religious headwear.  

They can have my pasta strainer when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Obviously, most employees in most jobs can clearly serve their function with or without a specific hat, so these legislators are just being white, xenophobic assholes.  That being said …

If you’re so irrational, that you can’t go eight hours at work with your tin foil helmet, you’re not qualified to work the register at McDonald’s.  And a line has to be drawn somewhere.  Do we need affirmative action programs to get more Sikhs into the hat modeling industry?!?

Look, I’m a middle aged, long haired white dude in South Georgia, so maybe it’s no surprise that I side with the red-necky spin; but fuck you and your magic hat.  I’m against all laws that make accommodations for people’s religion.  Choosing to ascribe to a particular set of debunked fairy-tales should afford you no privileges, no matter how benign.

But let’s not forget to keep this all in context.  As always, when you’re dealing with Canada “Big Hockey” pulls the strings behind all the decisions.  I’m guessing this is all a response to a Muslim goalie who made some sort of unfair, turban-related save.  And they don’t like Jews either, so it shouldn’t be long before the yarmulke becomes an illegal false idol to the puck.

No more illogical headwear exemptions in Quebec: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/05/proposed-quebec-charter-of-values-may-lead-to-the-public-sector-firings-of-those-who-wear-turbans-or-hijabs

And in “F is for Faith” news tonight, the Secular Coalition for America issued their annual congressional report card last week and to the surprise of nobody, American legislators suck at secularism.  More than sixty percent of house members failed by the SCA’s standards with a pathetic thirty-six percent graded C or above.

Was there any indication which major party – if any – was particularly horrible for societal progress?  Or were both parties about equally logical, as one would hope in a two-party system?

Actually, as it happens, only about zero percent of republicans are included in that “c or above” category with a whopping zero point four nine percent of republicans scoring above an F.  The grades were based on fourteen votes in 2013 on issues like school board prayer, gay marriage, FEMA funding for churches and religion in the military.

And 315 out of 535 members of Congress got an F!!!  Approximately 60 percent of people – in the United States Congress – can’t even get the very first amendment right!!!  Not even a little!!!  They didn’t even manage to squeeze out a D-minus!!!  That’s illegal!!!

The senate scored significantly better, proving once again that the the senate is an ugly chick blessed with a much uglier friend.

Right the “Congressional Mascot Theory” …

Forty four percent of Senators flunked though the majority ranked at B or above.  The SCA admits that data was harder to collect than it had been in years past, as the 2013 congress was only slightly more active than god.

Good point.  Does shutting down the entire legislative process in a hissy fit over letting black people have health care count for extra credit?  Or is that horrible and un-Christian, and therefore bad for the score?

Majority of US Congress “flunk” on secular report card: http://secular.org/news/us-house-flunks-%E2%80%98report-card%E2%80%99-church-state-issues

And in “There’s a state called Idaho” news, Christian parents in Idaho decided to keep the cycle of sheltered ignorance going, by insisting that the state’s largest school district ban a multi-award winning book because it contains several direct references to reality and other such dangerous ideas.  

To me, that’s religion’s biggest tell.  As a science minded person, I encourage everyone to look at what the other side has to say.  By all means; go listen to Ray Comfort and Ken Ham and if anything those babbling fucks have to say changes your mind you were probably too stupid for our club anyway.

The book in question is “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” by Sherman Alexie, and the allegedly controversial text isn’t even required for any assignment, but rather one of several options available to students.  So these religious assholes already have a perfectly reasonable concession thrown their way, but they need to make sure every single student is barred from reading the book … And pressing the red button.  Good luck with that.  

Well now that you can get an audio bible, why the hell would these people even let their kids learn to read?  They’re just begging for trouble.

Obviously they haven’t considered what the reading list looks like if atheists get to remove every book with the word ‘god’ or ‘faith’.  Regardless, I’m thinking we brainstorm some titles for the zealot reading list.  30 seconds on the clock … “Fundamentalist-Friendly Novel Rewrites” … GO!

To Kill a Mocking-Cartoonist

“Little Women’s Rights”

Crime and Capital Punishment

Nice work – I was thinking “Sex Crime and No Punishment” …

What about: “Stranger Than Crucifixion”

Women in Love… but not with each other.

“One Shade of White”

Lady Chatterley’s Monogamous Relationship

That would make some great lesbian porn, along with “Koranna Karenina”.

Modestly Dressed Lunch

I heard “Pride and Prejudice” was the working title for the Pentateuch.  Then they were calling it “The Divine Comedy”.  Finally settled on “Torah”.

Moby Boy-Parts

“Ramadan Quixote”

And, of course, Diatribes: Volume One; Fifty Essays from a (BLEEP) Misanthrope; which was the seventh best selling atheist book on the Kindle Store last time I checked but could probably use some more reviews.

“Satan Bought Hemant Mehta’s Soul On EBay”

Uppity Christian mom gets Idaho school to ban award winning book: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/06/idahos-largest-school-district-removes-award-winning-book-from-curriculum-in-part-because-it-mocks-jesus

And in “Warning: This Science May Contain Science” news tonight, a science museum in San Mateo, California has bowed to pressure from rational humans this week and removed a disclaimer that warned patrons that their live animal show (quote) “May discuss the topic of evolution”.  That’s right; a fucking science museum in the conservative enclave of the San Francisco Bay felt the need to warn patrons that their presentations had true stuff in them.

What type of creationist is going to the science museum anyway?!?  Snarky, hipster, Bible college students, taking ironic pictures in front of the so-called “science museum” ???  You guys want to get “still sober” and go to the “science museum”?!?  Run away laughing, pushing each other into the bushes.  

Biology professor, blogger and Darwin’s generation eight pitbull Jerry Coyne posted an excellent letter he sent to the museum that read in part: (quote) “Making [evolution] seem “scary” in this way only adds to the bad feelings people have about such a marvelous view of life, and deprives children of a proper grounding in biology.”

“Creationists with mental epilepsy may want to wear this blindfold” … They already do that.  Let’s not encourage them further.  

To their credit, the museum removed the disclaimer quickly after they started getting feedback from science advocates and explained that it only showed up there in the first place because some Christian turd-worm complained when their kid’s sensitive ears were corrupted by the blasphemous proclamations of Satan.  Only they didn’t say “turd-worms”.  But I can read between the lines.

Science Museum removes evolution warning: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/07/after-pushback-science-museum-removes-evolution-disclaimer-from-posters/

And in “Sunday Mass Genocide” news, it’s the twentieth anniversary of the tragic massacre in Rwanda, in which nearly a million members of the Tutsi tribe were killed by the rival Hutu militia, for having differing historical religious beliefs.  Please note and applaud the serious voice, and lack of sarcasm thus far.  

Yeah, but my inbox is already cringing in anticipation.

We’ll get there.  If an indictment for genocide, extermination, murder, and rape by the United Nations is any indication, it seems Father Wenceslas Munyeshyaka, was heavily complicit in the extermination campaign.  Apparently international prosecutors haven’t been able to locate his secret hideout, which is the medieval church in Gisors, France – about an hour northwest of Paris, where he is a fully-practicing priest.  

Yeah, it should be a lot harder than that to find war criminals on Google maps.

These Vatican guys can’t pick a horse very well, can they?  They had their money on Nazis and Hutu exterminators.  And when the bet blew up in their faces … again … “What do we do?!?” … “I don’t know?  What did we do last time?  We smuggle out the genocidal clergy right?!?”

And one crotchety old fucker’s back there going, “Eh, that’s been done to death.”

Vatican should apologize for role in Rwanda tragedies: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/apr/08/catholic-church-apologise-failure-rwanda-genocide-vatican

And finally tonight, in “Well, I do say Goddammit when I step on them” news tonight, polish priest Slawomir Kostrzewa warned parents during a Lent service that the desolate one had discovered a new tool to lure the souls of their unsuspecting children into the womb of darkness.  In addition to fame, lust, wealth and sick guitar riffs; the devil has now added interlocking plastic building blocks to his arsenal.

So according to Christianity … Lego should soon beat out Bag of Glass, Throat Clogger Uppers, and Gas-Powered Sharp Thing, to top SNL’s list of “Most Dangerous Toys”.  

Noting that the expressions of lego people have become increasingly “angry” over the years father Kostrzewa explained that this could only be explained by the influence of a mythical goat man.  Kostrzewa recommends that Catholic priests give up on lego altogether and instead rely on Duplo blocks or K’Nex to lure children into their unmarked vans.

This is the same guy that connected Hello Kitty to (quote) “violence and the pornography industry.” (end quote) … What kind of fucked-up Asian kiddie porn does this guy watch?!? …

And what’s the website?  <<<satire sound effect>>>

Thanks to Kostrzewa’s vigilance we now know that the evil one is infiltrating the toy industry so as a public service announcement for polish paranoia, and because fuck it, there are no rules; I propose we put 30 more seconds on the clock; Satanic versions of popular children’s toys.  Go!

Raggedy Anti-Christ

Fake Projectile Vomit

Where in the Underworld is Carmen Sandiego?

Finger Me Elmo

Luciferbie

Barbie’s Malibu Dream Bodega

Playmobeel-zebub

See, when I was a kid I had plenty of fun with some Beelzebubble-wrap.

Lord Of The Game Fly (dot) com

Crack-in-the-Box?

What about the “Mephistophel-EZ-Bake Oven”

Demon-opoly

Pascal’s Risk

Cabbage Patch Abortions

Right, and you can carry them with the “Baby Still Bjorn”.

Lego a Tool of the Desolate One: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/lego-is-a-tool-of-satan-which-turns-children-to-the-dark-side-warns-polish-priest-9228630.html

Holy shit, that may also be the most disturbing image we’ve ever closed on.  Congratulations.

The well full of dead baby jokes doesn’t dry up, does it?  Somebody’s refilling it.

And when we come back, we’ll say more horrible shit.

 

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the occasional few minutes we set aside to talk up some of the great atheist, secular and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.

I’m guessing if you haven’t already booked your shit for the Freethought Festival, NECSS or the American Atheists Annual convention it’s probably too late to talk you into that, and I believe that all the free tickets for ReasonCon the first weekend of May are claimed, but fear not, as there are still plenty of great conventions this spring you still have time to hit up.

If you’re bummed that you’ll miss ReasonCon but you’ll still be in the North Carolina area, the FFRF’s Raleigh Regional Convention is taking place the same weekend in, you guessed it, Raleigh.  Their lineup of speakers includes Bart Ehrman which is pretty sweet.  That’s the weekend of May 3rd.

https://ffrf.org/outreach/convention/raleigh-mini-convention-may-2014

Same weekend and other side of the country you’ve got the Orange County Freethought Alliance Conference in California.  Cristina Rad, Jerry DeWitt, Mikey Weinstein… holy shit that sounds fun, shame I’ve got equally awesome plans.

http://freethoughtalliance.org/fta/annual-conference/

The third annual “Women in Secularism” conference is coming up May 16th through the 18th just outside of DC.  I’ve heard a lot of good things about the last two and this year’s lineup includes Ophelia Benson, Debbie Goddard, Susan Jacoby and a lot more.  Tickets are reasonable and available.

http://www.womeninsecularism.org/

For our Canadian listeners in or near BC, you’ve got what I believe is Canada’s largest annual freethought convention, “Imagine No Religion”.  The conference is in its fourth year and from what I hear they’re getting good at it.  Don’t believe me?  Eugenie Scott, Dan Barker, Annie Laurie Gaylor, Seth Andrews, Jerry Coyne, Jerry DeWitt, Margaret Downey, Hemant Mehta, Darrel Ray… do I have to go on, because I could?  Anyway, should be awesome.

http://imaginenoreligion.ca/

Of course you’ll find links for more information on all these events on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And remember, there’s no charge or anything to get your event listed on the show.  Send me an email and I’m happy to plug it.  And if you haven’t been to an atheist convention yet… well, to be perfectly honest neither have I, so I can’t give you shit for it.  That being said, I’m changing that in May and I strongly encourage you to do the same.

 

Feedback:

From time to time, Noah and I like to kick back, relax and let our listeners do all the heavy lifting by sending in emails laden with insight, thought provoking questions and/or dick jokes.

So with a bit of feedback piling up and a couple extra minutes in this week’s show, here’s a long overdue bit of audience feedback.

Yeah, how’s the intro coming for this segment?

It’s probably gonna be awesome.

Alright, so our first email comes from a listener named Beth who needed to call us out for douchebaggery.  Beth writes:

Hi guys. Normally I really enjoy the show and the satire. I have to call douche baggery on your comments about Sarah Palin’s chromosome endowed family. Not cool guys.

I am disappointed.  

So yeah, jokes about kids with Down Syndrome piss people off.  Who knew?

She’s offended on behalf of people who never stop smiling … Does it help that none of the 47-clubbers that listen to this show got that joke, or this one?

Probably not.  I emailed Beth back, but she’s not the first listener that’s called us out for “punching down” in our jokes; which we do quite often.  I’m not gonna share the whole email I sent back, but here’s the meat and potatoes of it:

Sorry if you were offended, Beth.  I’ll be the first to admit that we often get carried away and neither of us have much in the way of a moral compass when it comes to humor.  We go into every episode knowing that we’re going to offend at least a few people and get (rightly) called out for some douche-baggery.

I can’t honestly say it won’t happen again.  If you have lines you don’t think should be crossed, it’s all but a guarantee that we will eventually cross them.  There are a few things we won’t joke about, but not many.  I make no apologies for the joke (if I thought it was out of bounds, I wouldn’t include it in the show), but for whatever it’s worth, I appreciate you letting us know that you disagree.

Okay, sorry, I guess that was the whole email I sent back.

Next email comes from Mark in… let’s just say Pittsburgh and Mark says:

Hey guys (and gal), love the show… yadda, yadda, yadda.

Anyway, I was wondering if you guys had considered doing a segment where you go to different churches and review the services?  Could be funny.

Mark, we’re already reading the fuckin’ bible.  Do you want my blood, too?

And the last time I crossed the threshhold into a church, my pant leg burst into flame.  

No surprise that last week’s diatribe inspired more than a couple emails.  A lot of our fans came to Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s defense and a couple of them did so by pointing out that a dude who does an atheist show under a pseudonym doesn’t get to call anybody out for not “coming out as an atheist.”

Right, because your pseudonym has something to do with the closet-logical astronomer’s congnitive dissonance.

Yeah, that sounds damning and all, but it’s a non sequitur.  I’m very clearly doing this show under a pseudonym.  I’m not pretending my name’s really Noah Lugeons and I’m not redefining what “name” really means to get there.

But more to the general theme of the feedback; the point I’m trying to make is that Tyson is confusing the issue by pretending you can simultaneously not believe in god and not be an atheist.  In so doing, he’s helping to both define and reinforce a negative stereotype of atheists.  And if you want to hear the point expressed brilliantly, listen to his recent interview on the Rationally Speaking podcast and imagine me saying “I’m Noah Lugeons and I approved this message” after every question Julia Galef asks.

Our last email comes to us from…

I fucking love Julia Galef.  She would be sexy even if she couldn’t intellectually smackdown geniuses, but she can.  Damn that’s hot.

You need a minute to yourself there?

No, I’m good ‘til the end of this segment.

That’s all I ask.  Anyway, our last email comes from a rare incoherent post on Facebook, which says:

“If there is no god, what’s your purpose in life?”

Hmm… that would be a good question if it was less stupid.

If there IS a god, then what’s the purpose in life?!?  Be entertaining rats for him?!?

I submit that a life need not have an overarching purpose to have “meaning”.  So honestly, the only way to really fail to have “purpose” is to dedicate one’s life to something that… you know… doesn’t exist.

Right.  Anyway, that’s all we’ve got for feedback this go-round.  If you want to hear this segment more often, send us more shit.

 

Song:

The Lord said unto Moses, an Egyptian’s what you pose as;

But look at all their noses and you’ll see that you’re a Jew.

Unto the lord then replied Moses,  “Just what do you suppose is,

Gonna happen when they know this?  Just what am I to do?”

Well what he did was end up fleein’, he wound up in Median,

Where he found a priest agreein’ to give up his daughter’s hand.

But all the shit he started seein’ left him guaranteein’

That his purpose would be freein’ all the Hebrews in the land.

So upon a bushes edict, he headed back to Egypt.

He needed his son’s wee dick, when he wrestled God.

But the Hebrew’s wouldn’t dare go, so Moses talked to Pharaoh.

With his eyes enraged and narrow and both hands on Aaron’s rod…

He said, “LET MY PEOPLE GO!”, but the Pharaoh just said, “No.”

And fearing that might be so he tossed down the staff that god empowered.

It became a snake but those Egyptians, well they also had magicians.

Both of their staffs started hissin’ but quickly got devoured.  Oh no…

But still the Pharaoh, unimpressed, he left that grievance unredressed,

So as you might have guessed, the plagues are here unveiled.

Bloody waters soon arise; frogs start fallin’ from the skies,

He sends a bunch of gnats and flies, epidemics, boils and hail.

But still the Hebrew’s stayed unpardoned when god’s locusts ate their gardens.

Since the Pharaoh’s heart was hardened, Moses needed one last card to play.

So with the firstborns lyin’ dead, Pharaoh finally said:

“Take your unleavened bread and go the fuck away.”

They rejoiced with sounds like thunder when the Pharaoh knuckled under,

They grabbed a bunch of plunder, followed smoke that god provided.

But soon doubts about the route came out; unto Moses the devout would shout:

“I guess your god’s no Eagle-Scout; just look where we’ve been guided!”

You see the Pharaoh’d sent his men of war in hopes of settlin’ the score;

And here the Jews are on the shore, trapped and ripe for slaughter.

So Moses feelin’ like a schmuck, he says “God I think you got us stuck!

It looks like we’re completely fucked unless you divide the water.”

Little bit of eatin’ Manna later, Moses talks to his creator;

So he could act as god’s translator and carve commandments into stone.

Then on the impatient Jew’s behalf; Aaron makes a golden calf,

Which they pray to bringing wrath for which little mercy would be shown.

Then startin’ in chapter twenty-four we pretty much just discuss decor,

Despite there being plenty more important things to tackle.

Important shit just gets ignored as we spend the last sixteen chapters bored,

Learning exactly how the lord wants his tabernacle.

 

Outro:

Before we empty the clip tonight, I wanted to let everyone know that the paperback version of our new book is now available.  You’ll find a link on the shownotes for this episode and it should be on Amazon by now; if not, by tomorrow.  Of course, if you don’t mind waiting, you can pick up a discounted autographed copy at ReasonCon on May 3rd in Hickory, North Carolina.  If you haven’t already gotten your free tickets to that event; sorry, it is sold out, though you can still get on the waiting list in case of a cancellation.

I also wanted to thank everybody who rated the ebook on Amazon; we’re one of the top ten selling atheism books on the whole of the interwebs right now and we’ve got you to thank for it; so thanks.

And also a huge thanks to everybody who shares the show; rates it on iTunes or tells their friends about it.  We’ve been seeing a huge surge in downloads the last couple of weeks and we really appreciate all the people who are making that happen for us, whoever and wherever they are.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you, but if you want more, there’s plenty of it.  I participated in a two part panel discussion on the Imaginary Friends Show this week.  By the time this airs both parts should be available.  I was also on the “Atheist Nomads” podcast this week and had a great chat with Dustin and Wesley over there; both shows will be linked on the shownotes, of course.

Imaginary Friends Show

Atheist Nomads

Can’t close the show without thanking Heath for his continued excellence in the field of phallic humor.  Need to thank Lucinda for all the great openings and happy endings.  Need to thank Deb, Vinnie and their four legged compatriot for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and just being all around excellent human beings.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most estimable primates; John, Jason, April, William, Ryan, Aaron, Stephen, Andrew, Dennis, Don, Atheous, Miranda, Jennifer, Matthew, Alex, Tim, Xemu, Z, Brad, Neil, Yadiel, Andrew, Bart, Scott and Wayne.

John, Jason, April, William and Ryan, who are so brilliant they cast shadows on light bulbs; Aaron, Stephen, Andrew, Dennis and Don whose erections impede satellites; Atheous, Miranda, Jennifer, Matthew and Alex, whose sexual magnetism baffles juggalos; Tim, Xemu, Z, Brad and Neil, whom even brevity would concede are the true souls of wit; and Yadiel, Andrew, Bart, Scott and Wayne, each of whom swing enough pipe to demonstrate the earth’s rotation.

These twenty-five insufficiently complimented individuals have augmented their personal legacies this week by giving us money.  Only the most helpful, hopeful, noble Nobel hopefuls have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you share their dedication to future generations; and you want to earn a bunch of really cool bonus shit, you can donate to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or for a one time donation; click the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Donate on Patreon and Get Stuff

And if you were just about to donate but your dog ate your paypal account, you can also help us out for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes; as well as liking, subscribing to, circling, and/or following us on all those social media sites you know we know you frequent.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

Episode 59 – Partial Transcript

April 3, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Important Links:

Link to Donate to Camp Quest

Link to Episode

Link to Patreon Page

Link to Buy the EBook

(note: transcript contains elements that were removed from the final edit due to time constraints)

Warning: When we put the explicit tag on this podcast, we weren’t fucking around.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new line of forensic-friendly footwear for kiddy-diddling clergy … Unmarked Vans

Is your brand-name priestly footwear getting you pinched by the SVU?  Do you occasionally need to get out of the van and run?  Do you really love Keds, but wish they were more anonymous?  Then we’ve got the shoes for you.

Unmarked Vans: The number one choice for bipedophiles.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s April 3rd,

And yogurt companies still can’t get rid of that jizz puddle on top.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “coldhearted” New York, New York

And “uncharted” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Studies show you don’t have the right to your wrong opinion,

  • We’ll declare South Carolina state senator Kevin Bryant the show’s official fossil,

  • And Eli Bosnick will join us to review “God’s Not Dead”.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I love me some Neil DeGrasse Tyson.  That’s dude’s awesome.  When he talks about the universe, it makes me want to grab my telescope.  When he talks about evolution, it makes me one to thank a bacterium.  And when he talks about atheism, it makes me want to microwave my dick.

This is actually a really hard diatribe for me, because I’m gonna be bitching about somebody that I admire.  And odds are, he’s somebody that you admire too.  How could you not?  He’s brilliant, funny, engaging, witty and he’s done more to inspire reverence for science than I could do if you gave me six lifetimes.  And he also pulls off the sexy-ass mustache like nobody’s business.

And if you’ve never heard him directly confront the atheism question, you’re probably wondering how the hell I could possibly have an issue with this dude.  He’s one of the most effective voices in the country fighting against the encroachment of creationism into our schools; his entire life is dedicated to spreading critical thinking and he hasn’t passed up on a single chance to bitch slap young earthers in the new Cosmos series.

In light of all the positive shit he’s done, my complaint seems a bit like a nitpick.  But I also think it’s an important one.  So Neil, if you’re listening to this, and let’s face it, you’re not; just admit it.  You’re an atheist, bro.  The religious folks already hate you regardless so you might as well join the club.

For the record, I should note that if you ask Tyson, he’ll tell you he’s not an atheist.  But if you ask a dictionary, it’ll tell you that he is.

To be fair to Neil, I understand completely… and I also concede that he’s way smarter than me so there’s a good chance I just have my head up my ass on this one.  After all, if you look at the backlash against Cosmos, it wouldn’t help at all if the creationists could trudge up a bunch of video of him saying he was an atheist.  He made the decision that, for purposes of being an effective science communicator, he wasn’t gonna wear the label of atheism.  He’ll tell you that the only “ist” he is, is a scientist.

And when he explains why, it’s damn convincing.  Why claim some kind of knowledge that he can’t really have?  Why claim to know something that can’t be known?  And why wear a label that’s going to cause a lot of people to simply shut down and stop listening?  If he says, “I’m Neil DeGrasse Tyson and I’m an atheist”, it’s gonna make it a lot harder to communicate effectively with believers, right?

Now, clearly, some of the reason this approach pisses me off is that I really, really want him in our club.  He’s fucking awesome.  I’d be proud as hell to claim him.  But there’s another element here and I think it’s an important one… at least four minutes of the show worth of important, anyway.

When people like Tyson refuse the label of “atheism”, they’re perpetuating a stereotype.  I’m sure that Neil Degrasse Tyson is well aware that atheists don’t claim to have knowledge of god’s non-existence.  I’m sure he understands completely that the dividing line between a theist and an atheist is a matter of belief, not certainty.  And I imagine he knows good and damn well that any reasonable definition of atheism includes him.  But instead of embracing it, he’s bowing to the social pressure that says, “saying you’re an atheist is mean to religious people.”

What’s more, he’s helping to create this caricature of the atheist position that says we’re taking an intellectually untenable stance.  After all, if he’s smart and he’s a scientist and he says he’s not an atheist, how can we hold that atheism is the “scientific” position?

Sure, it’s a semantic issue, but it’s an important one and not just in terms of atheism.  The very concept of the “null hypothesis” is at stake here.  When well known popularizers of science carve out this special exception for theism, they’re muddying the waters of what it means to think scientifically; to think critically.  Do you think Tyson would go out of his way to admit that he doesn’t have special knowledge that Bigfoot doesn’t exist?  Or that my aunt Martha wasn’t abducted by aliens?

The popular concept of what an “atheist” is will ultimately be determined by who chooses to wear that label.  When Tyson backs away from it, he’s reinforcing the notion that to call oneself an “atheist” is to declare war on religion.  And for all the listeners out there who are mentally defending Tyson by saying, “but he’s trying to be the most effective communicator of science he can be”, consider this:

Every time Tyson is asked if he’s an atheist (which happens quite often), he’s passing up on an opportunity to explain the scientific method.  He could very easily reply with a succinct explanation of Occam’s razor along with a quick explanation of what “atheism” means.  Instead he knowingly redefines atheism in an effort to exclude himself.  And I just don’t see how you can say that confusing the definition of a word makes one a more effective communicator.

 

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is master masturbater baiter Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to put some porn on a string?

It’s easier than tying the flies.

You know, this reminds me of the day we met.

In our lead story tonight, from the massive “Christian Tax Embezzlement” file: Carroll County Maryland commissioner Robin Frazier opened up another government meeting with an illegal prayer.  And because being righteous involves constant bouts of verbal diarrhea, she can’t freely practice Christianity without regularly forcing everyone else at work to waste time and tax dollars listening to her to talk about Jesus.

Yeah, not only are their churches tax exempt, but they also have to take things that are tax funded and do church in them.  But at least she was ecumenical, right?  Gave a nice measured, inclusive and non-judgemental speech with it and stuff?

Here’s an actual statement from Frazier, from last week’s meeting: (quote) “If we cease to believe that our rights come from God, we cease to be America … We’ve been told to be careful. But we’re going to be careful all the way to Communism…” (end quote) …

…Well that’s not hyperbolic…

She then read a deftly selected Christian prayer that was NOT written by George Washington.  So she’s obviously got a lot of brain confusion going on, but somehow she knows about our plan to replace capitalism with atheism.

Pounding a nail right through the invisible palm of the market, yes sir.

Despite warnings of civil action by the American Humanist Association, they did the same thing again this week, and could now face penalties of approximately $10,000 per prayer.   Seems like a fine that small should mean nothing to Christians, considering they can just pray for $11,000, or something even bigger … like eternal bliss.  This should give us a nice quantifiable look at the real-life Pascal’s wagering behavior among purported ‘true believers’.

God mysteriously allows $10,000 prayer penalty: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/02/10000-a-prayer-if-humanist-group-prevails-in-court-these-elected-officials-may-owe-hefty-fine-for-violating-law

And in “Pleistocene Morality” news tonight, two Christian tit-nibblers in South Carolina have used actual taxpayer funded time to shit all over a little girl’s attempt to make the Wooly Mammoth her state’s official fossil.  The story begins when young Olivia McConnell wrote to her state representative to point out that her state doesn’t have an official fossil and if they didn’t act quickly to appoint the wooly mammoth, they might end up with something shitty like Maryland’s fossilized snail or Maine’s petrified wood.

Are these guys suggesting the savior’s fossilized foreskin instead?  That’s pretty close to petrified wood.  And who doesn’t – once in a while – refer to their junk as “The Wooly Mammoth”???

That’s cross gender, yeah.  Now, what should have been a cute and perfunctory educational experience that little Olivia could brag to her grandchildren about instead turned into a proxy war over creationism when state senator and Nickelodeon villain Kevin Bryant proposed an amendment that would insert a passage of Genesis into the bill just so nobody forgets who fashioned those fossils and fjords.

Which passage of Genesis was that?  The part when God buried a bunch of fake animal remains that reconcile everything, right before he created Satan and archaeology?  That part was redacted in my King James version.

Book of Prefect, I believe.  Proving once again that there’s nothing too insignificant or petty for a creationist, Bryant and his henchman Senator Mike Fair spent about a week blocking this symbolic gesture in hopes of getting somebody to agree that Jesus, but when it became clear that everyone knew they were being assholes, the objection was withdrawn and the battle between South Carolina and Washington state over who has the legitimate claim to the Columbian Mammoth can begin.

SC lawmakers block 3rd Graders proposed state fossil because it would make Jesus cry: http://crooksandliars.com/2014/03/two-christian-sc-senators-block-third

And in “Double Standardized Testing” news, fact-denier schools in the UK were recently caught censoring out certain items from a nationally required science exam, because questions about things that happened before the fake universe began, are impossible to answer.  

“Excuse me, Sister Mary Bumpuncher, which of the ovals stands for ‘were you there’?”

And if it were just a few priests and rabbis blacking out the evolution questions, and having the kids skip those, it would be stupid, but still representative of the knowledge being tested.  Instead, these schools colluded with the exam agencies, which I would imagine means that being ignorant of basic science wouldn’t count against you, as long as your school administrators are followers of crazy old desert people.  If you can’t – or won’t – learn science, then you should score badly on standardized science tests!!!

Yeah, “Civil Disobedience” would have been a hell of a lot less impressive if Thoreau was on the lam when he wrote it.

And just to weaken their absurd stance even more, the schools in question choose to be funded primarily by the state, despite being parochial in nature.  Unbelievable!!!  If you really insist on brainwashing your kids from birth, and intentionally feeding them a counter-factual education, then you have to pay for all of that yourself.  Just be happy it’s not considered light-to-medium child abuse, as it probably should be.

UK Religious schools censor evolution questions on standardized tests: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/01/after-religious-schools-censor-questions-about-evolution-on-standardized-tests-uk-regulatory-group-bans-the-practice/

And in “Muster the brusquer buskers” news tonight, a group of spurned London street performers have taken a page out of Hobby Lobby’s playbook to avenge the demise of their profession.  When the laws turn against you; make up some bullshit religious beliefs and use them to annoy the hell out of everyone.

What do these guys do?  Couldn’t be any more annoying than subway preachers, who – by the way – can be quickly foiled in you loudly echo everything they say from the other side of the car.

“Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus!”

“Ladies and gentleman, I’D like to talk to you about Jesus!”

Well that exchange is probably no less annoying than their idea; The buskers in question have formed “The Church of the Holy Kazoo” in response to a recent law that barred street performers from using amplifiers or playing certain instruments without a license.  Their church considers all songs to be hymns and busking as a form of worship and thus any attempts to curtail their performance is considered an impingement on their religious freedom.

Kazoo is great, but why not go full logical extreme?  Maybe bagpipes? Portable fingernail blackboards? Yoko Ono???

Now, as a long time busker I want to sympathize with these guys, but the law is so innocuous I can’t get behind it.  I’ve seen too many talentless assholes whacking on buckets and amplified beggars to dismiss the regulation, but I love the protest nonetheless.  If enough people are willing to take up the kazoo in protest, perhaps we can at least get a law passed that bans street preachers.

Spurned buskers form “Church of the Holy Kazoo” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/29/these-musicians-got-around-their-towns-anti-street-performance-law-by-forming-the-church-of-the-holy-kazoo/

And in “Preemptive Dyke” news, 8-year-old Virginia girl Sunnie Kahle was pressured to end her enrollment at Timberlake Christian School for being too boyish, and therefore pre-pubescently homosexual.

What the hell does that even mean?  You say “Ew… girls” instead of “Ew… boys”?

Unfortunately for the precocious carpentress, 8-year-old alleged homosexuals in Virginia are very similar to convicted felons, so her options going forward are limited.  However, 18-year-old alleged homosexuals are actually at quite an advantage when applying to colleges, so let’s give her some ideas.  30 seconds on the clock: “LGBT Schools of Higher Education” … GO!!!

Pepper-dyke University

Double Oral Roberts

Gay-lor is too easy so… Clam-Slamherst.

Shemanhattan College

MI Teabaggers?

Brown Eye University … Part of the H-Ivy League.

Cornhole up in Ithaca is H-Ivy league, too, isn’t it?

Known for going Corn-Elbow Deep … Maybe something right there in Virginia … William and Fairy?

I was gonna say “William and Marty”…

Sounds like one of those Sharter Schools … What about: “Civil Union Theological Seminary”???

How about “The University of No-to Dames”?

Home of the Sword Fighting Irish … What about “The University Formerly Known As Princeton”?

There’s already a “Queen’s University” in Canada, but it still counts if I say that it’s in “Strap-Ontario”, I think.

The SoreBun’s in Paris, right?  And as if France wasn’t gay enough already: Their famous university is a homo-phone for a gay pun in English.

8 year old girl pressured to transfer from Christian school for seeming dykey: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/03/28/family-removes-8-year-old-tomboy-from-christian-school-in-virginia-after/

And before we close the headlines out tonight, I wanted to make the most awkward transition ever and take a rare serious moment to recognize a powerful force in the atheist movement who we lost last week.  Edwin Kagin spent almost a decade as the Legal Director for American Atheists and played a vital role in the World Trade Center cross lawsuit, the atheist bench in Florida, the Kentucky Homeland Security Lawsuit and countless others.

But even long before that he’d made a name for himself as a powerful legal force for freethought and civil liberties.  He was an author, a sought after secular speaker and a funny motherfucker, as evidenced by his proclivity for “de-baptizing” atheists with a hairdryer.

Perhaps the most important piece of his legacy is Camp Quest, the nation’s first strictly secular summer camp, which he co-founded with his late wife in 1996.  This program has grown to include more than a dozen sites and serves hundreds of kids every summer.  He was a dedicated, passionate and invaluable member of the humanist movement and will be missed.

If you’d like to support his legacy, we’ll be including a link to donate to Camp Quest on the shownotes for this episode.

Edwin Kagin obituary: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/29/edwin-kagin-the-legal-heart-of-american-atheists-and-co-founder-of-camp-quest-is-dead/

And on that unusually somber note, we’ll close out the headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will join us to beat God’s Not Dead to death.

 

Poem – Esther

 

King Xerxes was a child molester; and if you don’t believe me, just ask Esther.

She was virginal at age fifteen, until that pervert made her queen.

He fucked her young and fucked her often, and when his royal dick would soften,

He’d sent her out to live her life, and maybe fuck a different wife.

 

Now Esther might have been a temptress, but she was better than the prior empress,

Who King Xerxes deemed a twat, for expressing independent thought.

So when he finished with his Vashti purging, he sent a group to bring back virgins.

They bathed and dressed and spent a year, doing makeup and their hair.

 

And then he boned them one by one, taking notes each time he’d come.

And when all the virgins took the test, it turned out Esther was the best.

Historically, it’s not reliable, like many stories in the bible.

It’s another contradictory instance… C’mon, A great fuck and a Jewish princess?

 

But irrespective, I digress; there’s two more people to address;

First Haman, who’s a nasty brute; that hates the Jews who won’t salute.

So in a crowd Haman walks by, and each one bows but Mordecai.

So Haman says, “I’ve lost my patience! I’m with the king, now give obeisance!”

 

But flatly, Mordecai refused; So Haman walks off, his ego bruised.

He tells the king “My Lord, I do wish; I could murder everyone who’s Jewish”

So the king considers Haman’s plot; and says, “A holocaust? Well sure, why not?”

So quickly Xerxes pens a letter; that makes the plot a public record.

 

Of course, the king was unaware; that his lovely queen, so sweet and fair

Was actually a Jew, then add; that’s Mordecai is pretty much her dad.

What’s more, before the Haman thing; He’d stopped a coup against the king.

So Haman thinks this jews a goner, instead a parade’s held in his honor.

 

He then sees his adoptive daughter; says, “Have you heard about this pending slaughter?

So if you see the king, and get a chance; think maybe you could change his stance?”

So she invites her hubby and Haman; to a lovely banquet whereupon,

She says “Hey, those Jews you wanted dead?  You mind murdering Haman instead?”

 

And the king says, “Sure, that all you want?  Kill my trusted Commandant?”

She says, “Well, those Jewish killers you’ve amassed? Could you kill them too and do it fast?”

So he grants her wish and many die; then the king promotes ol’ Mordecai,

And the three of them have joy and laughter; while the rest die happily ever after.

 

Outro:

Before we drain the bottle tonight, I want to let everybody know that there’s way more to the interview I did with Eli than what you just heard.  Our Patreon Patrons heard about 50% more than everybody else, but even then there’s another ten or twelve minutes I didn’t have room for.  If you want to hear the whole 26 minute interview, check out the extras page on our website for that.  It’s free for everybody, patron or no.

That’s all we’ve got for tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  Thomas invited me on his new show “Atheistically Speaking” the other night to discuss the Hobby Lobby case; really interesting subject and we got pretty deep into it so I’d recommend that.  I’ll also be on the upcoming episode of The Imaginary Friends Show plugging the hell out of my book this week so be sure to look for that coming soon.

Atheistically Speaking Link

Imaginary Friends Show Link

Buy the Book Link

Speaking of plugging the hell out of the book, it’s available as an e-book at the Kindle Store; if you use a different ebook service, let me know and I’ll see if we can get it listed there as well.  And if you’re holding out for the paperback, you shouldn’t have to wait long.  Hoping to have those available for order in the next couple of weeks; beginning of May at the latest.

You’ll find links to the book, as well as Atheistically Speaking and the Imaginary Friends Show on the shownotes for this episode.

A lot of thanks to squeeze into this outro so I’m gonna have to go super quick.  I want to thank Elyse for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and on her behalf I want to say fuck that evolution denialist professor; need to thank Heath because he’s awesome; need to thank Lucinda because she’s also awesome but most of all, I need to thank this week’s most awesome people and holy shit is this week filled with “most awesome” people.  So here it goes… all in one breath:

Joe, Konrad, Richard, Terry, Tommy, Paul, Michelle, Alana, David, Dana, Benjamin, Neil, Scott, Shane, Brian, Lauren, William, Brook, other David, Kevin, Jordan, Robin, John, Danni, Ivy, Paul, Geoff, Stephen with a “P”, Jay, Michael, Glenn, “B”, Chris, Drew, Sean, Debbie, Howard, Sabrina, Mike, Susan, Zach, Matt, Tom, Damian, Sakura, other other David, Tyler, Tim, Mary, Steven with a “V”, Soren, Allen, PK, Joe, Dee, Brandon, Kelvin, Christopher, Brian, Joel, Thomas, James, other Michael, Vinnie, Dave and Matthew.

Joe, Konrad, Richard, Terry, Tommy, Paul, Michelle, Alana, David, Dana, and Benjamin, whose neuronal activity could jumpstart a flux capacitor; Neil, Scott, Shane, Brian, Lauren, William, Brook, other David, Kevin, Jordan and Robin, whose IQs are so high most people assume they’re being expressed in binary; John, Danni, Ivy, Paul, Geoff, Stephen with a “P”, Jay, Michael, Glenn, “B” and Chris who are so sexy they make Diogo Morgado look like a crucified Jew; Drew, Sean, Debbie, Howard, Sabrina, Mike, Susan, Zach, Matt, Tom and Damian, who make Captain America seem like a pansy for needing the shield; Sakura, other other David, Tyler, Tim, Mary, Steven with a “V”, Brandon, Allen, PK, Soren and Dee, whose adventures are so epic that even Peter Jackson couldn’t make them boring; and Joe, Kelvin, Christopher, Brian, Joel, Thomas, James, other Michael, Vinnie, Dave and Matthew, whose cock rings are mostly comprised of icy bodies and small meteors.

These sixty-six brave and noble… holy shit, 66?  Really!?  Wow… holy fuck you guys are awesome.  Seriously.  Anyway, these sixty-six noble and valiant listeners have proved themselves paragons of humanity this week by giving us money, many of them by signing up for recurring payments through our new, easy to use, bonus content laden Patreon Page at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, others by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage.

And I don’t have time to remind you to give us a glowing review on iTunes or to check us out on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube because I had too many people to thank.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

Episode 58 – Partial Transcript

March 27, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.  An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)

Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.

Sponsor:

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s March 27th,

And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York

And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,

  • We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,

  • And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do.  Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead.  But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.

But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave.  Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died.  But I’m not heartless.  I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone.  And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety.  But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.

It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.”  It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool.  And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps.  I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.

Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes.  We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact.  He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.

Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian.  He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish.  He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.

But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him.  It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using.  And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief.  According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin.  Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.

And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch.  The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks.  Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.

They also make sure to point out how small the church was.  Only 40 active members.  100 at it’s height.  And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers.  Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.

So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith?  I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit?  Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”.  There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.

Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either.  If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?

Doesn’t matter.  The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler.  And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion?  And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to play ball?

Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500

Fair enough.  In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”.  The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act.  Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions.  The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.

And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives.  First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented.  Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will.  That’s it!!!  Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive.  The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.

One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion.  Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds.  And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.

Good point … People are corporations too.  

The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.

Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception

And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.  

If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.

Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …

And they wouldn’t have.  But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.    

This is such a confusing story.  The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…

So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious.  It’s like their own little triangular trade.  And against all odds, it might be more offensive.  Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.

German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html

And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.

At least they chose cars.  Classy move.  Way less rapey than vans.  As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.

After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman.  Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.

Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least?  Fun size is bullshit.  If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!  

Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.

Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/

And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces.  Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)  

I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.

Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.

Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.

Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin.  If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.

I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that.  Anyway, you were saying…

So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.”  I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny.  Just a cool trick.”  She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!”  Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words.  It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child.  Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.”  There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.”   When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.  

Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/

And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos.  They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.

(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!

In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”

What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.

Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries.  Go!

Let There Be Spinal Tap!

Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity

When We Were 2 Kings

MythTrusters

Global Forming: A Convenient Lie

Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”

Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”

The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology

Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”

The X-tra Chromosome Files

Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep

Commuting With Dinosaurs

The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show

Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html

And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.  

And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.

At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …

Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.

The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.”  So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day.  It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch.  The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …   

There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it.  It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.

Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.

Pitch:

Does this ever happen to you?

(Sound FX montage)

Well we can’t help you with that.  But what we can help you do is become an official Scathing Atheist patron at Patreon (dot) com.

Patreon (dot) com is a fantastic service that allows you to give us money easier than ever before.  Signing up for as little as one dollar an episode, you can sleep comfortably, knowing that Noah won’t have to give quite so many handjobs for our bandwidth upgrade.  

I’ll still give just as many, but not because I have too.

Quality, not quantity, right?

Exactly.  But that’s not all!  Scathing Atheist patrons get a bevy of beneficial bonuses.  You see, every week we record between three and ten minutes of extra material that ends up on the cutting room floor.

These never-before-released minutes include expletives, puns, and a littany of verbosely-worded dick and fart jokes.

But these emission omissions can be yours when you become a Patreon Patron.  That’s ten to thirty percent more Scathing Atheist every week.  How much would you pay?

A million dollars!

But don’t answer yet…

Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.

But there’s even more.  You’ll also get the show as soon as it’s edited, rather than anxiously counting down the minutes until 8am eastern daylight time.

That sounds too good to be true!

But it isn’t!  For just one dollar per episode you get the unedited, director’s cut of every new episode and you get those episodes early.  Plus you get an outlandishly over the top compliment on the next episode.

But that’s not all!

Actually, that is all.

For one dollar per episode, sure.  But you can give us more than that.

That’s right Heath.  And the more you give, the more you get.

That’s right Noah.  If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.

But do I still get the over the top compliment, the longer episodes and the early releases?

You do.  But that’s still not all!

That’s right because you can also give us even more money.  If you donate at least five dollars per episode, we’ll also toss in a signed paperback copy of the new book.  Plus you’ll get advance copies of all the new Scathing Atheist presents books before they’re available to the public.

That’s sounds too good to be true.

I know!

Seriously… I don’t believe you.  That’s just too good a deal.

I know!

So how can we be certain that you’re not full of shit?

I guess you’ll have to check out our Patreon page and see for yourself.  That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.

It’s easy to set up a recurring micropayment.  Macropayments are equally easy.  Enter your information once and Patreon will bill your credit card or Paypal account once per month.  You can even set up a limit in case you’re afraid we’ll release 106 episodes one month just to fuck you out of a lot of money.

And remember, if you were a Patreon Patron, this segment would end with Heath saying “Turtle Fucker” three times in a funny voice.  But if you’re not, it just ends with me saying this sentence.

Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.

Babble – Esther:

Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all.  Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written.  It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.

But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.

So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

So what did you think of Esther?

It was weird.  It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story,  but who gives a shit?

Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle.  So why don’t you start us off?

  1. Sure.  The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet.  At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.

    1. She refuses and that causes a huge scandal.  Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.

  • Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes.  So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope.  That uppity bitch has got to go!!!

  1. So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.

    1. And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.

    2. The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.

  • And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad.  Smart move.

    1. But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.

  1. Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.

    1. Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust.  The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month.  After the playoffs.”

  • Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise.  There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.

  1. So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”

  • “The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich.  Could you please?  Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ???  Whenever you get a minute.  Not a huge deal.”

  1. She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.”  So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .

    1. Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship.  Every fucking time you turn around…

    2. So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it.  So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?

    3. Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s

  • Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”

  1. Chapter six was actually pretty clever.

    1. Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…

    2. Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him.  So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?”  And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine.  Then the king says, “Great idea!  Do that for the jew that you hate.”

  2. So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”  

  • “If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”

  • Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”

    1. So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.

  1. But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order.  Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.

  • And the Jews can plunder now.  That was in the fine print of chapter 8.  They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on.  Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.

  • Don’t call it that.

  1. Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?”  And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?”  And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”

  • Yeah Esther became queen at 14.  Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits?  Seems to be a mitvah.  Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?

    1. And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.

    2. Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.

  1. And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.

  • And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …

This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well.  There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.

As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?

Well no, but at least some of the kings existed.  Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks.  We’re nearing the halfway point guys…

Just nearing?

Anyway, thanks as always.

 

Outro:

Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week.  Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.

Why May 2nd?  Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend.  The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke.  I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book.  Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.

I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff.  John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.

These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page.  If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week.  Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube.  If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

 

 

Episode 55 – Partial Transcript

March 6, 2014 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.

Link to Episode

Warning: The explicit language in this podcast is starting to rub off on the pope.

 

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Hindu sex worker industry of South Asia.

For live shows, come on down to The HinDude Ranch.  And if you want to get laid in your second life, visit our brother and sister websites; FudgePakistan.com and PunjabPoonJobs.com

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday…

It’s March 6th,

And Christian Mingle for godless, horny geriatrics should be called RadiocarbonDating dot com

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Black History Forgotten” New York, New York,

And “Black History Still Embraced” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • The pedophile ISN’T Catholic … Just kidding.  He’s obviously Catholic.

  • We’ll hit you up for money at the end of the show,

  • And conception got pushed back again.  It used to occur at orgasm, then it was the third pump (if applicable), and now it officially happens retroactively at puberty.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I picture a group of people sitting around in hell.  One says, “Yeah, I shot my wife” and another one says, “I burned down an orphanage” and the third says, “I baked a cake for some queers”.

Luckily, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer forestalled the national embarrassment of SB 1062 with a last minute pang of cognizance.  But we were still one crayon-scrawled signature away from a state redacting humanhood for three and a half percent of their population.  Or maybe two point two percent… I don’t know if bisexuals cakes are as sinful as gay cakes.

The law, which passed through both state houses and probably would have been signed into law if not for a tsunami of national media attention, would have allowed anyone the right to discriminate against anyone, provided the bigotry was based on (quote) “a sincerely held religious belief.”

We’ve heard that phrase a lot on this show.  A lot of laws that try to find a way to legally protect homophobia and misogyny under the auspices of religious freedom and the only thing that makes SB 1062 noteworthy is that it got one step closer than most.  There’s a huge national effort to build a big wall of bibles to hide behind when we secularists come to take away their god given right to hate men who love men.  And women who love women.  And… women.

And I’m gonna give the religious people a little more credit than most.  Because I don’t think religion is the source of the bigotry at all.  I think these people are just good old fashioned bigots and Jesus makes for a willing scapegoat.  Anti-civil rights legislation was largely cloaked in religious liberty, but today the people who have those same religions generally don’t hate the coloreds.  It wasn’t that religion was making them racist.  They were just racists and religion was providing cover.

And therein lies the problem.  As Anne Lamott points out, god hates all the same people you do, so hate can always hide behind religion.  In fact, as soon as you invoke the words “religious liberty” you can hide anything back there you damn well please.  To you and me, “religious liberty” means the freedom to practice one’s religion, but these theocrats are desperately trying to redefine it; to make it mean “freedom to do whatever the hell I want, regardless of the law, so long as Jesus”.

And of course, since Jesus can’t chime in, religions doctrines can’t be tested against reality and faith can’t be measured, that makes it a legal panacea.  Don’t want to serve gays?  Religious liberty.  Don’t want to rent to an unwed couple?  Religious liberty.  Don’t think people should have recreational orgasms?  Religious liberty.

It’s impossible to miss the smell of bullshit here.  If you define religious liberty the way they’re trying to define it, nobody would fight for it.  The bible tells me to murder my disobedient children, stone people to death for working on Saturday and sacrifice bulls at the altar.  According to the Arizona legislature, that would all be perfectly legal as long as I sincerely believed it.

Not only does this provide the legal justification of shit like SB 1062, but it also provides the psychological justification.  If you take away the god nonsense and force somebody to explain their objection to gays or gay marriage or gays eating at restaurants; pretty quickly they have to come face to face with an ugly part of themselves.  But as long as you can retreat to Leviticus you don’t have to bother with real morality.

And people act like this is some intractable problem.  How can you balance religious freedom and the interests of the secular state?  How can we ensure that everyone’s rights are protected?  They act like those are hard questions to answer, but if everybody just had to follow the same rules, the problem disappears.  Just get rid any law that is contingent on a religious belief and we’re in the clear.  If it’s illegal to suck a baby’s cock, it’s just illegal to suck a baby’s cock.

Seriously, is anybody actually arguing that the use of psychedelics is less dangerous if you think they’re carrying you into the spirit realm?  Does anyone believe that bigotry is less dangerous if you think it’s divinely sanctioned?

Nobody wants to carry this all the way, of course.  Even the rampaging bigots in Arizona draw the line at the United Methodist Church of Methamphetamines, so what they’re asking, nay, demanding the government do, is get in the business of deciding what does and doesn’t count as a religious belief.  And I can’t imagine anybody wants that.

 Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the oft-misunderstood Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to help everyone better understand the Scathing Atheist Satire System?

When I say things that sound sexist or racist … that part is satire.  My true opinion on this issue is that women and non-white people – as groups – are generally much better people than men and white people.

Yeah, that should free up some time at the complaints department.  Appreciate that.

In our lead story tonight, Seventh Day Adventist parents Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene admitted to something known as “secular manslaughter”, after causing the death of their five-month-old son by giving him rickets, and then refusing him rickets medicine.

How prehistoric do your views on medicine have to be to get rickets?  That’s a fucking old-timey disease.  That’s like dying of “the summer complaint” or milk leg.

Exactly. (Milk Leg!!!) … Two important points: Yes it’s really easy to prevent rickets: Don’t be an infant who is a vegan with no vitamin D in your diet.  And yes, it’s easy to treat rickets … Vitamin D.  It’s also now very easy to prevent polio, amoebic dysentery, and plague.  Diseases that killed you on the Oregon Trail, shouldn’t be a threat anymore.  If your kid dies of cholera, why were you bathing him in a dirty puddle?!?  Or you should have just caulked the wagon.  Your fault.  

And they’ve made a lot about this vegan diet that the parents were on, but I don’t know why.  There are plenty of vegan options for a five month old, provided you don’t also sequester them from medicine and try to stupid the malnutrition away instead.

Here’s a statement from Justice Singh, who apparently had to explain his reasoning when he ruled that when you murder your child because you’re stupid, it has to be at least a little bit illegal: (quote)

Did he just say “fuckin duh?”.  I’m betting “fucking duh.”

“The law respects the right of everyone to freedom of thought and belief.  However the right to manifest one’s religion is not absolute. It is limited in particular by the rights of others. The state has a particularly important duty to protect the right to life, especially when a young child is concerned.” (end quote)

So besides turning pro-life rhetoric against religion (tastes bitter doesn’t it), the Justice makes an extremely important distinction, that is really the crux of every argument about this.  You can think and believe whatever you want, but you can’t manifest those beliefs in ways that threaten the lives of others, especially five-month-old children that are yours!!!

I noticed he also said that the couple’s views on Seventh Day Adventism were (quote) “very extreme and do not reflect the official doctrine of the church” (end quote) as though this absolves the religion from any wrong doing.  Sorry, your honor, but anybody who pretended god existed or prayer did stuff has at least a little of this kid’s blood on their hands.

That’s right.  A little bit of small pox infested infant blood on your hands.  Can’t feel as good as you thought it would.  Because you build it up as this great thing in your head.  Inevitable letdown.

Parents jailed after trying to pray away baby’s fatal disease: http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/feb/28/parents-jailed-manslaughter-baby-rickets

And in “I’d Never Have Molested Them if You Aborted Them” news tonight, the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is blaming a mother for allowing her children to be molested by one of their priests.

Well, he was a priest…

Reverend Curtis Wehmeyer, who I’ll grant couldn’t look more like a kiddie-diddler without a Pee-Wee Herman suit, molested two of her sons, age 12 and 14 and, upon discovering that the archdiocese knew he was a sexual predator before they hired him, she sued.  And apparently they’re going with the “what kind of responsible parent would leave her kids with a Catholic priest?” defense.

Corollary to the “What kind of God would allow 12 and 14-year-old kids to be raped, without letting their mother win a large settlement which correctly puts a dollar value on the consent virginity and regular virginity of a child” … defense.

The mother was an employee of the church and felt that Wehmeyer (quote) “needed some friends” (end quote).  So that nobody could mistake them for just half-assed evil, the archdiocese refused to let her use sick days or vacation days to care for her kids after this all came to light.  What’s more, they reneged on a promise to pay for the kid’s therapy and they cut her hours back.  And then they went to her house and ripped her kitten to pieces in front of her and pissed on her rug.

Minnesota diocese blames mom for letting her kids get molested by their priest: http://www.alternet.org/belief/outrageous-church-blames-mother-pedophile-priest-molesting-her-two-sons

And in “Praising the Steaks” news, the Kentucky Baptist Convention is promoting what they call “Second Amendment Celebrations”, encouraging churches to give away dead cow slices and deadly firearms to local heathens, if they’re willing to open a trial account with God.  And despite nearly everyone in these flyover areas already owning livestock and murder weapons, the soul bribery seems to be working.   

What’s funny is that in a way this reminds me of the story we covered a couple weeks ago about the racist “black history month” lunch menu.  Because “Steak and guns” is probably the white trash equivalent of offering black people watermelon and cornbread.  Except in this case the race being stereotyped is too stupid to realize it.

Their plan – reportedly labeled “outreach to rednecks” by a spokesman – sounds a lot like animated wabbit hunting … Luring godless Tea Partyers under a box, floating them by their nose with the cartoon smell of animal blood and gun oil, and then knocking the stick out that holds the box up.

Ooh… piece of candy.

Also, I’d like to preserve any extra half-minute segments we might have, so I’ll just quickly add, that a redneck meat retailer slash arms dealer should be called “Pistol Peter Luger”, “Beefed-Up Security”, or “Wal-Mart”.

Glad this is working, because plan B was the Duck Dynasty sex tape giveaway.  And if you thought their facial hair was nasty…

Steak and guns for Jesus: http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20140228/FEATURES10/302280129/Kentucky-Baptists-use-gun-giveaways-lure-unchurched-men-Christ?nclick_check=1

And in “Bowing toward Megatron” news, an Iranian school teacher has developed the perfect Muslim; an unthinking automaton that does nothing useful and prays five times a day.  Akbar Rezaie, who teaches mythology and doesn’t realize it at an elementary school in the Iranian town of Varamin has recently unveiled a small humanoid robot that he created to help teach children how to properly appease Muslim God.

If you follow the Koran and get to the Allah-Spark, you get 72 unused Sybian machines.  Brand spankin’ new.   

Rezaie hopes his robot will help make prostrating oneself before an invisible warlock “cool” again.  Some people have criticized him for using cutting edge science to promote the opposite of science, but those allegations clearly overlook what a low-tech piece of shit his little robot really is.

What’s the robot’s name? … HALal 9000??? …

Also, I’d like to quickly note that the evil computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey” has the same name as Halliburton’s ticker symbol.

I’ll alert Alex Jones immediately.

Iranian teacher makes Prayer-bot: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/iranian-school-teacher-builds-robot-to-teach-children-prayers-9154038.html

And in “Catholic GeStopHo” news, an anti-prostitution operation in Phoenix, Arizona called Project ROSE is detaining suspected sex workers at a local church, and forcing them to choose between religious propaganda class and jail.  And that’s a tough call, considering it’s risky to drop the soap at either venue.

Tough call… I don’t want Jesus inside me, but I don’t want Jesús inside me, either.

The orgasm specialists who wish to avoid prison must complete a 36-hour Jesus sexuality class, which teaches great ideas like prostitutes not using condoms.

(Or getting abortions)

In order to pass the program – which has a reported 30% graduation rate – the accused must also display sufficient amounts of sadness and shame.  All sounds awful and stupid, but there is some good news … The First Amendment says the police have to wrangle whore-interns for atheist clubs too.  

Now you tell me.

As long as we’ve got a bunch of sex workers forced into cages at church … The stage is set … And also, in honor of the Oscars last weekend … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Porn Parodies of Best Picture Nominees” … GO!!!

Okay, but first I want to thank god for giving me an award I don’t deserve rather than curing the disease the movie was about in the first place.  And of course, the movie I’m referring to is The Phallus Buyers Club.

Good movie to watch with a cocktail …

What about: 12 Years Old A Slave

Topical.  How about Little Mister Sunshine?

Kneeling in the Confessional Booth: Tales From The Squirt Locker

Diddler on the Roof… On the Roofies?

In the Shame of the Father  

Fetal Attraction

Semen on the Brokeback Mount

The Maltese Fuckin’

The, uh, stuff that wet dreams are made of …

Lord of the Cock Rings Third Leg: The Second Coming of the King

Father Cassidy and the Un-pantsed Kid

The Father’s the Butch, and the kid’s the bitch …  

50 Shekels of Silver Linings Playbook

Starring Jennifer Lawrence of the Labia?

Good climax, but it’s missing something … Might be “Consent of a Woman”

A Vicar Named Desire?

This doesn’t really count, but you’re gonna want some Schindler’s Listerine on set.

The Pleasure of the Sierra Padre

Working on a double, for the bonus points  in Splatter-gories …

The Fugitive Priest: Around the World in 80 Gays

Million Dollar Baby-Fucking Settlement

Finding Neverland Ranch: The Kids Are All Tight

I think I already used “Priests of the Southern Child” for something, didn’t I?

You can reuse them.  Okay one more try at the double bonus …

Vishnu’s Avat-Argo Fuck Yourself??? … I’ll show myself out.

Sex workers can have church or jail: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/28/project-rose-offers-sex-workers-a-choice-church-or-prison/

That’s alright, the band was playing us off anyway.  So I guess that’ll do it for headlines this week, Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here to give you a double dose of biblical boredom.

 Skit:

Hilarious email that I got this week that I absolutely had to share.  If this is legit, and it honestly looks like it is, it’s from Ray Comfort.  Apparently he’s aware of some aspects of our show and not others and he sent me this really complimentary message about how important it is for atheists to read the bible and how he’s sure Jesus will reveal himself to me along the way.

In fact, I guess he was so impressed by our commitment to get a broader perspective on the bible, he wanted to do, you know, whatever the theistic equivalent would be.  Try something out that he dislikes and disagrees with in order to widen his perspective on it.  So I guess him and Ken Ham got together and tried out gay sex.

And, as luck would have it, they were nice enough to send me audio of that erotic encounter.

I’m Ken Ham

Hi, I’m Ray Comfort

Well good evening.

When I arrived you had a hotel for me and a fruit basket

Oh he’s tall and muscley

Say that again?

He’s tall and he’s handsome and he’s the star. I’d really like to go out with him.

Thank you

Why do we wear clothes?

Well we all do that

See unless they’re taken off…

Can I just stop you there?

Don’t be intimidated.

There’s nothing I have to look at and say I’m embarrassed.

When it’s okay, whip it out.

Behold!

That’s a pretty big number, isn’t it?

How can you look at this beautiful creation and not give praise?

It’s enormous!

Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand

A perfect creation

There’s a point at the top for easy entry and it’s just the right shape for the human mouth.

We weren’t told we could eat meat.

It’s even curved toward the face to make the process easier.

Yet another poke in the eye.

The contents don’t squirt in your face

But you don’t know and there’s a lot of evidence that that’s not so.

Okay it’s my turn

Check it out

There’s nothing I have to look at…

You don’t see that?

No I don’t.

I’m sort of little

Your dick.  It’s this magic wand of nothing.

It’s not the outside that matters, it’s the inside.

Sir, this is a very important issue.

Now I want you to look at my point.

Well I said it was pathetic when I started

And what I want to show you is how this works.

Could you explain it to me?

This is where it comes from, right here.

That’s common sense.

Even if you’ve got a dead stick.

But you’re… you’re sprung.

There’s a book out there… With this diagram… They’re sitting one on top of the other

Why?

To make it gay

Tell me why

You’ll learn the lesson the hard way

If you could put your finger on…

No no no no no

Here’s a fork, stick it in there

But there’s limits.

Anything that fits.

No.  We’re gonna look at dogs to help us understand this

I’ve gotta get to the bottom of this.

You know there was plenty of room.

Okay here it is

Okay, Alright 

Oh, god!

Oh… oh…

And it’s a little difficult

It’s easy if you try

(Oh’s, Gods and Lords)

Wow!

This is so radical it’ll blow your mind

Of course it is

Sir I can’t go on, my brain is full

You have to let me finish

Would you come?

I came

You’re an animal.

Put another notch in my belt.

Why haven’t we already done this?

 

Babble:

Originally, the books of Ezra and Nehemiah were a single book and remain intact in the Hebrew Bible, which is odd, because the Hebrews aren’t really known for leaving things intact.  Anyway, since they’re both short and they more or less tell a linear story, we elected to double up this week and give you twice the Babble.

Anything that gets us through it quicker.  So in honor of Noah turning thirty-mumble, we decided to party hard with our Hebrew Lit Book Club.  So happy birthday Noah!!!

And joining us, of course, in this masochistic endeavor is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

We always meet under the worst circumstances, the three of us..

Alright, so when we last left our intrepid heroes, they were scraping their way out of exile in Babylon.

  1. Thanks to the good King Cyrus.  He sends word to all the Jews that they can go back to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, and he even gives back all the vessels of the house of the lord that Nebuchadnezzar stole

  1. And apparently as they were reinhabiting the promised land they went through an amusement park  turnstile and somebody checked IDs or something because in chapter two we get a precise headcount.

  • You approach the turnstiles leading into the ancient Jerusalem circus, and you know that when you get there, you have to give the man 2 shekels or he won’t let you in. But when you get there, everything goes wrong …  

“Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine.”

  1. First things first, they celebrate Sukkot and then get to work rebuilding their temple.

  • The Sukkot tents doubled as a circus venue.  

  1. But the man always be holdin’ ‘em down.  They start trying to build their temple but then the kids from the “cool” fraternity show up and start making trouble for them, so they have to stop.

  • “So you guys remember that Jewish tribe we enslaved, that we definitely can’t trust because we enslaved them after centuries of genocidal warfare? … Well Cyrus let them start building a giant God Castle again.  Could be real God.  Our prayers don’t do shit.  Is this something we need to worry about?”

  1. And you can tell that the bronze age FCC was getting on their ass about all the wars and genocides in season one, because when shit hits the fan in Ezra we get a vigorous letter-writing campaign.

  • I was hoping they would address the paperwork situation.  Because building a temple, to an exotic God, without a permit, with- …

  • Within the Jerusalem city limits.  That ain’t legal either.

  • I thought this was Trans-Euphrates?!?  Are we not in Trans-Euphrates?!?

  1. Eventually the Jews find all the necessary receipts and what-not and get permission to finish their temple, which they do.

    1. And that’s great unless, of course, you’re a local bull, ram, lamb or goat, in which case you’ll be brutally slaughtered to appease Jew-God’s bloodlust.

  2. And now that we’re two thirds of the way through the book we meet the titular Ezra, who know his Mosaic law like nobody’s business.  And on the merit of this, King Artaxerxes gives him all of Jerusalem.

    1. And then all of a sudden we’re in the first person, which is odd.

  • Taking over as objective narrator in God’s book … The balls on this guy!!!

  1. So Ezra gathers a sufficient number of Jews, divvies up the cash, fast for a while and then head to the newly rebuilt temple.

  2. Then he makes it very clear to everyone that the reason god exiled them was obvious: They weren’t being racist enough.  So he make sure everyone knows to be extra racist this time around.

    1. He even says that they can’t see to the “peace and prosperity” of the neighboring tribes so you’re not even allowed to be just passively racist.

  • The Middle East is like the crazy kid in school getting tricked into fighting the even crazier other kid.  It’s a fun TV show for atheists … “Deluded Giant Squid vs. Equally Naive But Tribally Different Mega Shark”

  1. So to keep Jew god from getting pissy again, Ezra orders anyone who married a foreigner to send away their wives and children… 

  • And there’s even a detailed miscegeny list, with all the people who cheated and gave their kids illegal performance enhancers like dominant DNA.

So obviously Ezra just blew the right scribe to get his own book in the bible.  The same is almost certainly true of Nehemiah, whose claim to fame was building a wall where once there was only most of a wall.

  • 1.  Right.  First we meet Nehemiah, who spends chapter one shitting all over Ezra, basically.  They rebuilt the temple, so he decides to lament the fact that they didn’t also do the wall.

  • 2.  So Nehemiah is all bummed.  Meanwhile he’s landed this awesome gig “bearing the king’s cup” if you know what I mean.

    • So King Artaxerxes asks what he’s so bummed about, he tells him and the king’s like “Oh, here’s some lumber and stone.  Have at it.”

    • Then he inspects the wall, including the unfortunately named “Dung Gate”

    • Talk about using the rear entrance

    • And then you get some blatant evidence planting.  They’re working on the rebuild, and three rival officias – a Horonite, an Ammonite, and an Arab  – might as well walk into a Jewish bar, and ask Nehemiah if his crew is gonna rebel against the king.  So Nehemiah – as if wearing a wire – says: “Hello three people that represent the historical property rights of your entire future race, who agree that you have no claim, share, or historic right to Jerusalem whatsoever say-nothing-if-you-agree-forever-Done. Why do you guys care?!? “

  • 3.  And everybody goes out “Hands across Jerusalem” style and they all fix a little section of the wall.

  • 6.  And Sanballat, the mean-girl from a cheerleading movie of biblical villains, starts writing letters to Nehemiah telling him he’s gonna spread rumors about him and blow his boyfriend if he doesn’t stop building his wall.

  • 7.  And in case you missed the exhaustive list of which tribes all the returning exiles were from, we get it again in chapter seven.

    • If you want the book to be longer, just increase the margins, or the font size.  Or add some chapters about morality.  Or being reasonable.  Or a “how-to” guide on reading allegories.  Plenty of options.  

  • 8.  Then they all get together to love god and live in booths.

  • 9.  And to be honest, I’m half convinced that if you started reading the bible at chapter nine of Nehemiah, you wouldn’t have missed much.  Because Ezra spends this extremely long chapter going on and on about how awesome god is by rehashing most of the shit that’s happened so far in the book.

  • 10. Then he drives home the two main points of the last six or seven books: One, god needs you to kill a lot of goats for him, and two, don’t forget to be racist.  Whatever you do, don’t interbreed with any of those foreigners.

    • Yeah, let’s keep all these recessive genes to ourselves.

    • Withholding the blind, translucent, polydactyl piano prodigy.  Smart.

    • “Stay Pale on three!  One, two, three: STAY PALE!!!  Jew-Ra!!!”

  • 11. And lest you think we’re shitting you about how boring this book is, they spend chapter eleven telling which people moved to which towns as they repopulated.

    • “What?!?  I’m making a detailed list of all the Jewish people, and their addresses … How would this backfire?!?”

  • 12. And in a valiant effort to make chapter eleven seem interesting, they spend most of chapter twelve explaining who stood where during the ribbon cutting on their new wall.

  • 13. Nehemiah then makes the mistake of turning his back for a second and within a few days priests are setting up rooms for their old frat buddies in the temple, they’re working on the Sabbath, they’re marrying foreigners.

    • Yeah, so he beats them and pulls out their hair.

    • Literally – Handfuls of soul-less ginger clumps.

    • Heck of a guy that Nehemiah.

So yeah, in summary the Jews are back and they have a temple and a wall again.

That’s all they really needed to say.

Esther’s up next and that’s another short one but it’s gonna get it’s own segment in episode 58 because something tells me we’re gonna want to spend a whole episode on Job.  Anyway, thanks for bearing with it, guy and gal.

Outro:

Before we get played off tonight, I wanted to let everyone know about something I’m rather stoked about.  At the behest of a number of listeners I spent the last few weeks compiling the first fifty diatribes into book form.  Many of them have been rewritten or lengthened, and I’ve added a few paragraphs of introduction to each one so you can think of it as the director’s cut of the diatribes.  More than a third of the book is all new material and that should be available as an ebook on the twentieth of March.  We hope to have physical copies available by ReasonCon at the beginning of May.  We’ll be talking that up a bunch over the next couple of weeks.

And if you were hoping for a poem tonight, sorry about that.  It’ll be on next week’s show.  Part of that was to make room for the scandalous Ham/Comfort sex tape, but after some discussion with Heath and Lucinda we’re all of the mind that it generally makes more sense to do the bible poems after we’ve reviewed the books in question rather than before.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Between now and then I have to thank Heath for his continued commitment to excellence in excrement jokes; I need to thank Lucinda for all that she brings to the show and I need to thank David for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and for his incredible generosity.  Here’s hoping he sparked a bidding war to claim the title of our most generous donor ever.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans; Paul, Rebekah, Michael, Crystal, Andrew, Shane and Joel.  Paul, whose mighty fists serve as the primary backup system for the Large Hadron Collider; Rebekah, who’s such a badass she has to let alligators tag-team when she wrestles them; Michael, whose dick is so big it has Lagrangian points; Crystal, whose intellect is so vast it could hold two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean one; Andrew who’s too sexy to play Jesus; Shane, whose biceps are powerful enough to run the flux capacitor; and Joel, who’s so hot Stacy’s mom sings songs about him.

These bright, shining examples of altruism have earned their spot in my anti-Putin bunker this week by giving us money.  Only the smartest, strongest, sexiest secularists have what it takes to give us money, but if you feel like you’ve got all the requisite silibants, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And, of course, if you love the show but you spent your entertainment budget on Romanian vampire porn, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or whatever place you prefer to leave glowing podcast reviews.  And if you just can’t get enough of us, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube and check out our erratically published blog.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 54 – Partial Transcript

February 27, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains at-symbols, ampersands, pound signs and exclamation points.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Christian flavored brand of lion food; Kibble and Twits.  Every bag is fortified with 9 denominations and minerals.

Kibbles and Twits: Because Christians are gonna act like they’re being persecuted one way or the other.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 27th

And Dunkin’ Donuts has a new donut filled with cookie dough.  My stomach cancer just got diabetus.

Im Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Ray Felton can point and shoot” New York, New York

And “Anyone can point and shoot” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode:

  • Drive-by baptists hold super soakers sideways gangster style.

  • Malaysia does something dumb even for a country that arrests coconuts,

  • And gay people will go to hell.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

If you were ever curious what Heath, Lucinda and I look like, we can now offer you an answer to that question.  We appeared on the vlogcast “Holy Crap!” with friend of the show Shujin Tribble last week, and the episode is archived on You Tube and you can find a link to it, of course, on the shownotes for this episode.  I should warn you, though, that according to the feedback we’ve gotten so far, we’re younger, older, thinner, fatter, better and worse looking than you think we are.

But the reason I bring it up is that one of the questions that came up deserved a little more reflection than I could offer on the show.  Shujin was hosting a panel discussion and he posed us all a common question amongst atheists: What evidence would it take to convince you that there was a god?

I’ve heard all manner of answers to this question in the past.  Usually atheists offer some universally (or near universally) observable phenomenon; something that can be scientifically tested; something that would be unambiguous.  And when we offer this, we’re falling into the theists trap.  I remember listening to friend of the show and master-debater Justin Schieber answering this question by challenging god to write something in the sky by realigning stars.

This seems a reasonable request of an omnipotent being, but it elicited a laugh from the audience.  To the religious onlookers, it seemed like he was asking for a ridiculously high standard of evidence, even if they believed that what he was asking for was well within the purview of their god.

One of my favorite answers, and I’ll apologize in advance to whoever originated it, as I can’t recall where I first heard it, is that it’s a pointless question.  I might not know what evidence it would take to convince me that there is an all-powerful god, but by definition, god would.  He would obviously be capable of revealing his existence in a way that would convince me, even if no ready example of such an act comes to mind.

Normally I’d have gone with an answer similar to this, but I’d been mulling something over all day that I’d heard on the Thinking Atheist.  Seth Andrews, who has one of the best atheist podcasts on the interwebs, by the way, was doing an episode about “divine protection”.  He started by talking about that nincompoop snake-handler Heath and I discussed last week, and then went on to catalogue all manner of maladies that had befallen priests and preachers in churches; often during service.

He was pointing out, of course, that god was failing in his charge to protect the faithful.  Why wouldn’t god tell the snake handler “not tonight, bro”, or turn the poison into hemoglobin or something?  Why would a tornado hit a church full of devout worshippers and miss the crack house down the street?

I was thinking about all that while the other panelists offered the typical answers.  All good answers, mind you; things like running a chemical process in reverse; stopping all aircraft in flight at the same time; speaking to everyone in a language that they could all understand.

But when it came to my turn, I lowered the bar of evidence.  Instead of looking for what it would take to make a believer out of me, I looked at what it would take to move me into the “maybe” category.  What would it take to give me pause.  And when you look at the question like that, god’s job gets pretty damn easy.

So god, if you want me to stop doing this show, here’s all it would take: Show me evidence that churches are less likely to be hit by lightening.  Just show me unambiguous, verifiable data that shows that a place of worship is statistically less likely to get hit by lightening.  Or earthquakes.  Or hurricanes.  Show me evidence that devout people are less likely to get cancer than heathens.  Show me that people who are prayed for recover quicker than people who aren’t.  Show me just one tiny shred of statistically significant evidence that there’s a reason to even ask the question, “Is there a god?”

Look, I’m asking for almost nothing here.  Eternal life is something I’d be thrilled to be wrong about.  But even when you lower the bar of evidence all the way to the floor, god can’t slither over it.

 

Skit:

Ooh… slither over it, he says… that son of a bitch.  I hate that podcast so much!!

Don’t be so filled with hate, dad.  You’ve gotta learn to let go.  And I told you that adding free will in the beta version was gonna be trouble.

Shut up, Jesus!  Man, if I had some brimstone, I’d splatter that little twerp.

I told you not to use so much on the dinosaurs.

They were eating meat on Fridays!  I’d already shortened their arms to keep ‘em from beating off and they were still sinning!

I’m just saying you shouldn’t get yourself so worked up.

Jesus, I’ll crucify you again if you don’t back off.

Well it you’re so pissed about it, why don’t you just provide some evidence?  You know, divinely cure cancer or something?  Or any other single, tangible thing.  

Oh yeah, Jesus… really mysterious.  You’d make a terrible god.

(under his breath)…you make a terrible god.

What was that?!?

Pretty sure you heard me.

I’ll beat you like a red-handed stepchild!

You’re not my real dad!!!

It’s complicated.  I’m God.   And you’re my son.  And you’re  also God.   And then there’s this holy ghost.  And then there’s that guy Joseph I cuckolded.  But as long as you live in my universe, you live under my rules…

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is armchair intactivist Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to fight for the Jewish baby dicks?

Hey, circumcise matters.

In our lead story tonight, Denmark has passed a law banning the barbaric practice of Kosher and Halal slaughter in favor of the nominally less barbaric practice of knocking their brains around with that thing Javier Bardem had in No Country for Old Men.  The move has been applauded by animal rights minimalists all over the world, though vegans are still being kind of douchey about it.

And in Vonnegutian headline format: “On the scale of animal cruelty, a Kosher-One is a Slaughterhouse-Five.” … And yes, vegans are correct in pointing out that almost every meat supply chain is completely disgusting … But that sickly, feeble voice ruins everything they say.  Vegan Babies – Breakfast of Champions!!!

Kosher practices stipulate that an animal can’t be stunned before slaughter, must be killed with a single slit to the throat and must bleed to death afterwards.  According to primary sources, failing to meet with these strict dietary requirements can lead to being smited by brimstone, stricken with leprosy or condemned to wander in deserts for decades at a time.

How does a Jewish person even know that they’re getting legit Kosher stuff?  What if the cow has a coronary while it’s waiting on line?  Does the steakhouse give you an autopsy report?!?

Critics of the ban call it anti-semitic because you might as well play the cards you’re holding, but supporters point out that Denmark’s new law forbids the Kosher slaughter of Jewish cows and chickens as well.  Muslims, of course, are also getting all stupid about this because Allah copied his homework off of Jew-God.

Denmark bans Kosher and Halal animal torture: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2014/2/19/halal-kosher-slaughter-banned-in-denmark-as-minister-insists-animal-rights-come-before-religion

Who copied it off that Asian kid … And in “Charlatan North Carolina” news, Pastor Steven Furtick – of Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina – has written up a playbook for tricking large groups into getting baptised.  Wanting to up his scientific street cred, he borrows his techniques largely from Las Vegas stage hypnotists.  God is a numbers game for multi-national mega-church conglomerates like this one, so they keep track of these baptism stats like serial rapists keep notches on a headboard.

You told me that your cat did that…

I don’t have a cat- I mean I sometimes catsit for people- It doesn’t matter.  Moving on.  Among other disingenuous strategies, Furtick suggests that the church set up plants in the audience, to help start the momentum of consent to the pier pressure.  And to falsely inflate the apparent pious stupidity of younger generations, he suggests that the youngest plants run to the front of the “disgusting public bath line”, when the pastor announces the Mass Baptism Ambush.  This is also logistically better – he notes – because old people take forever to get changed into their water rape attire, which will tend to hold up the line.     

Why not a secret trap door like Sweeney Todd or Jabba the Hutt?  Or just have a pool party and when nobody’s looking you can bless the shallow end and dump in some of that fecal-matter infested holy water they love so much.

Considering how much they love to brainwash young people, I’m surprised they didn’t go with more of a Nickelodeon theme.  You ask everyone at the service a simple trivia question about Jesus, to which every baptised Christian would know the answer.  And then anyone in the audience who said “I don’t know” would have green slime (made with holy water) dropped on their head from above their pew.   

I am automatically friends with anybody who gets that joke.

Spontaneous Baptisms: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/is-anyone-really-surprised-by-elevation-churchs-spontaneous-baptisms

And in other North Carolina licking monkey spunk news tonight, Kalei Wilson, a 15 year old high school student in Canton, North Carolina, has been forced to abandon plans to start a secular student’s club after receiving death threats from all those “other cheek” turners we hear so much about.

Death threats?!?  Except for church, every club is a secular club.

Good point, but that didn’t stop the school from blocking her attempt to start the club on account o’ Jesus wouldn’t approve, but Wilson fought back with the help of the Secular Student Alliance, the Freedom From Religion Foundation and the ACLU.  Eventually the school realized they couldn’t win this legally so the Christians went with what they know; bullying.

They could have burned her at the stake.  The womens’ movement has taken small steps in this area.

In the latest chapter of this saga, the following message appeared on the group’s fundraising page yesterday: (quote) “It saddens us to report that due to the numerous threats and verbal attacks on Kalei along with the vindictive witch-hunt to hurt the reputations of affiliated groups and our family, Kalei will not be continuing with the group.”

So congratulations, Christianity.  You’ve bullied a teenage girl into abandoning something she fought tooth and nail for and has a legal right to.  Because, like Jesus said, “What you do to the least of my children is all good if it keeps some atheists from doing a bake-sale for the Foundation Beyond Belief”

What do these people think kids would do at a secular club?!?  

Well our Canton, North Carolina, listeners should be on the look out for a great deal on a cancelled baby buffet.

15 Year old receives death threats and cancels planned Humanist club: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/after-long-battle-to-form-high-school-atheist-group-student-bows-out-after-numerous-threats-and-verbal-attacks/

And in “How Many Lepers Do I Have to Hug to Counteract This?” news tonight, MedStar Washington Hospital Center’s Catholic Chaplain Brian Coelho is a callous bastard with a heart of lumpy pigeon shit.  According to heart attack patient Ronald Plishka, the Reverend refused him last rites upon learning that Plishka was gay.

Sorry but I have ZERO sympathy here.  If you believe in the teachings of Christianity, and you’re gay, then you already know that you’re going to hell.  So the deathbed slam poetry from the bigoted Reverend shouldn’t really matter to you, should it?!?   

The lumpy pigeon shit hearted bastard has refused opportunities to respond to these allegations, though the hospital has made it clear that if they prove true it would mean that Coelho is an asshole.

Okay, but I do see where the asshole’s coming from.  The gay guy’s about to die, and he’s trying to make some bullshit last-second promise to stop being gay for the next 10 living minutes.  If I’m the chaplain there, I’d be pissed about the loophole.  Maybe blow the guy at the last second before he dies for spite.  

Well as much as I’d love to join you in the sympathy boycott, there was a particular quote that tugged at my heartstrings.  Apparently Plishka got pissed off right afterwards and cussed at the priest on his way out the door.  Upon reflecting on this and the fact that he didn’t receive his cracker or whatever, he told reporters that (quote) “I’m thinking I’m going to rot in hell now […] I’m not perfect, believe me.  And I wouldn’t wish [being gay] on anyone.” (end quote).  So it wasn’t enough for this religion to ruin this dude’s life with their bigotry… they’re also hell bent on ruining his death.

Catholic Priest denies last rites to a gay dude: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/gay-patient-says-catholic-chaplain-refused-him-last-rites/2014/02/19/35d163f6-99b1-11e3-80ac-63a8ba7f7942_story.html

And from the “Nobody Cares About Malaysia Comma However” file: Newspaper printers in Malaysia averted disaster by censoring several images of entire naked pigs, that almost went to press in an International New York Times article.  Instead, the otherwise riot-inciting pig pics appeared with their faces blacked out.  Despite hearing the black face thing totally out of context, Al Sharpton, Nat X, and Jesse Jackson have already made angry, public, rhyming responses.  

Nat X, huh?  The man so black fireflies follow him around in the day time?  Awesome.  I love that it was the pigs faces they blacked out.  Were they looking particularly “come hither”?  Were they concealing the pig’s identities in case of retaliation?  I mean look, if they were censoring their pig-tits and pork swords that would still be fucking hilarious, but the eyes!?

There are rumors suggesting this may be a spiteful response by the Malaysian Muslims, to a recent incident in which a respected jihadist was denied entrance into a particular house of bricks, that even his explosives couldn’t blow down.  Reports suggest the inhabitant even made a derogatory remark, about the ridiculous pubic-like bush of hair on his (quote) “chinny chin chin” area.       

Yeah, but I hear that dude’s under suspicion as well.  In Malaysia it’s illegal to huff, puff and blow, so…

Crafty swine … Here’s a statement from the printing company: (quote) “This is a Muslim country so we covered the pigs’ eyes. We usually do that for the International New York Times – also for pictures of cigarettes, weapons, guns and nude pictures.” (end quote) … Censorship is stupid in general, but how did they come up with that list of exactly 4 things?!? … Can everyone fill in the bubble under the one that doesn’t belong?  Cigarettes, weapons, porn, Charlotte’s Web.     

Weapons, cigarettes,  and porn, eh?  Like I said, huff, puff and blow.

Malaysian Printer puts black censor bars over pig’s faces.  And yes, really: http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/jan/23/censorship-malaysia

And in “Rock out with your flock out” news tonight, we bring you the story of Allen Parker, a Virginia pastor who prefers to praise Jesus with his metronome swinging.  Parker has invited his congregants to worship with him each Sunday in the nude, citing biblical justifications like the story of Adam and Eve and, I shit you not, the fact that Jesus was born naked.

But Jesus was born an atheist, so …

Guess he didn’t think of that.  Parker, whose body is less of a temple and more of a stupa, explains that in his church (quote) “there’s not a feeling that you have to be better than one another, physically” (end quote), a point that he drives home by being as physically imperfect as one can be and still be ambulatory.

When they go to Waffle House after church, these must be the only Christians with a tip for the waitress.

And since they laid down the gauntlet when they named their church full of naked, pasty caucasians the “White Tail Chapel”, I say we up the ante.  So 30 seconds on the clock, “Alternate Names for the Nudist Church”.  Go!

The Assless Chapel

Nice.  How about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Taints?

Home of the all-nude Mormon Flabernacle Choir

Motor Boat-re Dame

Well played – I was thinking … Scrotre Dame Cathedral: Let Your Buttresses Fly

Missionary Position Baptist

The Testi-Clesiastical Church: Baal’s Sack Religious

Baby Got Saddleback

Follow the fold … What about … Young Girth Creationists: Hung Wide Like Jesus

Saint Catheter’s Cathedral

Westminster Grabby

Well, St. Peter’s works already, but I’m gonna go with St. Peter’s Ba-silicone Implants.

Nudist church: http://www.atheistrepublic.com/news/church-promotes-nude-worship-because-jesus-was-born-naked

And finally tonight, in “Zoro-Astronaut” news, a fatwa committee in the United Arab Emirates has proclaimed it immoral and therefore illegal to travel to Mars.  Because of all the immoral acts committed by Muslims, their ambitious, meteoric rise in the space travel community is clearly the most troubling.  

In defense of the Islamic Space program, they’ve been trying to get bits and pieces of their followers into orbit for years.

According to Khaleej Times, the committee released the following statement: (quote) “Such a one-way journey poses a real risk to life, and that can never be justified in Islam.  There is a possibility that an individual who travels to planet Mars may not be able to remain alive there, and is more vulnerable to death.”  But the same could be said of New York City, for a Muslim immigrant, so …

No, the NYPD keeps a close eye on them… makes sure they’re safe.

I think the legislation needs some clarification.  Will a Muslim wishing to kill himself on Mars still be required to purchase a round-trip ticket?  Can he perform exorcisms on possessed Martian Unicorns?  And as long as they’ve got that committee together, and they’ve already come out against the suicide part of suicide bombing … maybe go that extra mile.  The bombing part is pretty bad too.  Just saying.

Fatwa forbids Muslims from living on Mars: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/20/mars-fatwa_n_4823059.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

I guess we’ll have to close on that conundrum.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, Bitches!

And when we come back we’ll push the limits of how many things rhyme with Chronicle.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the few minutes we usually remember to set aside every month to talk up all the great atheist, skeptical and otherwise secular meetups going on around the country and around the world.

A lot of really good stuff coming up in the spring, so I’ll go quick:

Aron Ra; Matt Dillahunty and Seth Andrews are teaming up for the “Unholy Trinity Tour”; they’ll be in Amarillo on March 22nd, Albuquerque on May 3rd and San Antonio on June 28th.  Hopefully they’ll be adding dates and venues, so we’ll try to keep you abreast of that.

http://unitedcor.org/nm/page/unholy-trinity-tour

For our British listeners, the AHS National Convention is coming up on the weekend of March 7th in London.  AC Grayling and Simon Singh top a fantastic guest list.

http://ahsstudents.org.uk/convention/

Also ThinkCon is coming up on March 15th in Cambridge.  The lineup is a great mix of comedians and science popularizers and the topics look fantastic.

http://thinkoutreach.org/ThinkCon/

Back in the states.  Reasonfest welcomes Darrel Ray, Matt Dillahunty, Ed Brayton and many more to Lawrence, Kansas April 4th and 5th,

http://kusoma.org/reasonfest/

You’ve got Freethought Fest 3 coming up in Madison, Wisconsin April 11th to the 13th.  Mythbuster and rationalist extraordinaire Adam Savage is gonna be there this year, which is pretty awesome.

http://freethoughtfestival.org/

But of course, I left out the biggest one of the season.  And no, I’m not talking about the American Atheists National Convention in Salt Lake City on Easter weekend. http://www.atheists.org/convention2014

And I’m not talking about the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism or “NECSS” going on April 12th and 13th in New York City. http://necss.org/necss-2014/schedule/

And I’m also not talking about QED in Manchester on the same weekend. https://qedcon.org/

All those are sure to be fantastic, but the one that the atheist world will be abuzz about is the inaugural ReasonCon in Hickory North Carolina on Saturday, May 3rd.  They’re keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, (PhD); they’ve also got Tracie Harris of Atheist Experience fame, Cash and Love from the hilarious “Atheists on Air” podcast and more.

But perhaps least notably, they’re also the first secular convention that had the guts to invite Heath, Lucinda and myself so we’ll see if we can make ‘em regret that a little.  That’s Saturday, May 3rd, it’s just outside of beautiful Asheville, North Carolina and it’s free

http://mythunderstoodalliance.com/announcing-reasoncon-free/

If you want more info, check the shownotes for episode 54 for links to the homepages of all of these events.  If you’re involved with an atheist event that could use a free plug, let me know.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Poem:

2 Chronicles in Rhyme

Run and grab your monocles, it’s time to read 2 Chronicles,

The fucking thing’s canonical, so we have to read it through.

The task is astronomical, ‘cause it just goes on and on, it’s bull,

So grab a gin and tonic-I’ll, hope that Adam Sandler doesn’t sue.

So when we finished with First Chronicles, David’s kingship was phenomenal,

But now he’s up and gone and all, so Solomon ascends.

He was wise and philosophical, with a penchant to be prodigal,

So he built a house for God with all, the golden odds and ends.

The dedication was symphonical, with musicians all harmonical

It was downright histrionical; it could not be overstated.

But I find it quite ironical, that they praise him as so logical,

His designs weren’t economical, even the gold there was gold plated.

He soon became iconical, so the queen of Sheba thought it optimal

To see if god remembered anatomical, when selecting what to bless.

So she got all theosophical, and he was cooler than a popsicle.

Was the visit conjugal?  Well that’s anybody’s guess.

Rehoboam’s reign was volatile, there was rift damn near tectonic-You’ll,

See the fights were periodic ‘til, the whole kingdom split apart.

Then Abijah got sardonical, and god goes pathological,

He gets divinely gastronomical and kills a million with his fart.

So we’ll keep things chronological, Asa died for trusting hospitals,

Jehoshaphat was nominal, and Ahaziah’s reign was short,

Then his mother went psychotic-All, the heirs were killed methodical,

And though he was nearly embryonic, (a l)ittle kid took royal court.

Amaziah was hedonic, y’all, Uzziah’s death was comical

Ahaz was demonical, Hezekiah had the blues.

Through a devout and patriotic, stall, he slowed the diabolical,

but inevitable obstacle, that would exile all the Jews.

So that’s my poem for Second Chronicles; Sorry it got so neological,

But I’m not hooked on phonics so I’ll, Just say I’ve done my due.

Now my bong needs marijuana, call it dank or hydroponic, hell,

At this point just narcotic’ll be enough to get me through.

Bible Story:

“Run grab the young-uns, folks.  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for Kids!”

Gather round boys and girls!  Today we’re gonna open our Bibles up to Second Samuel and meet one of the Bible’s most powerful superheroes.  Did you know that the Bible had superheroes, boys and girls?

Does it have Spiderman?

No, but some of the superheroes in the bible are even more powerful than Spiderman.

Does it have Batman?

No, because Batman is a lecherous heathen bound for an eternal torment in hell.

Does it have Superman?

Only according to Zac Snyder.  But today we’re gonna talk about a different superhero.  One that you probably never heard of before.  Today we’re gonna talk about Elisha.

Was he bitten by a radioactive spider?

No, Elisha was bitten by a radioactive god.  He was the disciple of another biblical superhero named Elijah and they weren’t gay lovers, even though the bible kind of makes it sound like they were.

Elijah was very powerful, but one day he died and god decided to give all his superpowers to Elisha.  What’s more, god decided to give Elisha even more superpowers.

Could he fly?

No, but he could part rivers like Moses.  He could make a normal spring into a magical healing well and he could cause whole plains to flood when he came across thirsty horses.

Did he have laser vision?

No, but he could strike people blind and he could heal blind people.  And he could turn one loaf of bread into a lot of loaves.

Did he have a cybernetic suit with laser guns and missiles?

No, but he could make a little bit of oil turn into a lot of oil and he could bring people back from the dead.  And if that’s not enough, he could also makes axe-heads float.

Did he fight crime?

Yes he did.  Loitering, to be exact.  You see, one day Elisha was walking by a group of kids not much older than you and they were loitering.  What’s worse, they were also picking on Elisha for being bald.

My mommy says when people call you names, you should walk away.

And that’s exactly what Elisha did.  He walked away… and then used his god powers to summon a few bears to take horrible, bloody vengeance on the kids by ripping their arms and legs off and devouring their torsos while they bled to death screaming in horrible agony.

Because remember, boys and girls, sticks and stones might break your bones, but bears will fucking kill you.

The End.

Outro:

Before we put her in park for the night, I wanted to congratulate our friends over at Secular (dot) FM who raised over two grand for the Foundation Beyond Belief last weekend during their marathon 24 hour live broadcast.  And if you’d like to help add to that February total, you’ll find a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.

Donate to the FBB: http://foundationbeyondbelief.org/

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  We all got to be podcast whores this week so there’s plenty of us to go around.  Heath and I did a guest spot with Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show, Bill and Suzy invited Lucinda and me onto the latest episode of Bar Room Atheists and, of course, all three of us appeared in fits and starts on the most recent episode of the Holy Crap video cast; you’ll find links to all three on the shownotes as well.

Imaginary Friends Show: http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/02/22/ifs-170-nice-fantastic/

Bar Room Atheists: http://barroomatheist.podbean.com/

Holy Crap! Vlogcast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGiA6ZwdeLM

And as if that’s not enough, you can also find all over social media.  Be sure to check us out on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and subscribe to us on YouTube.  If you’re feeling generous with your time, please take a minute to give us a glowing review on iTunes and if you haven’t checked out Stitcher yet, download the free app, listen to us there and add us to your favorites.

Of course, we can’t close things out without thanking Heath for taking time out of his enervating sex life to join us tonight.  Huge thanks to Lucinda for yet another hilarious Bible story and a big thanks to the prodigal daughter and extremely patient Farnsworth quoter tonight, Tiny Tribble.  She doesn’t have a blog or anything and I already promoted her dad’s vlogcast twice in this episode, so I’ll just use this time to thank everyone that’s sent us a Farnsworth quote in the past and is wondering if we’ll ever use it.  Believe me, I really appreciate it and I’m using them more or less in the order they were received.

But of course, most of all I need to shower praise upon this week’s most exceptional hominids, Sakura, Jennifer, James, Cameron, Andrew, Michael, Cat, Richard, Joanna, Caroline, other Richard and Cherie.  Sakura and Jennifer, whose ninjutsu has saved the American coast from more than one hurricane; James and Cameron, who aren’t the dude who made Avatar so I’m still waiting on a refund for that; Andrew and Michael, whose massive cocks will one day unlock the key to space elevator construction; Cat and Richard, whose gravitas compels dogshit to move out of the way of their shoes; Joanna and Caroline, whose wisdom makes Solomon look like a baby-bifurcating bozo; and Richard and Cherie, whose brilliance is so evident that statues are being carved in advance of their historical accomplishments..

This dynamic dozen donors, known throughout the interwebs as the Twelve Apostates, have proved the depth of their apostasy this week by giving us money.  Only the most valiant, noble, silky smooth atheists have the disbelief it takes to give us money, but if you think you can handle the praise, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, donating to our show is like sex; the more practice you get, the better it feels.  So if you’ve donated to the show in the past, please consider doing it again; this time I’ll swallow.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.