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Episode 48 Partial Transcript

January 16, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, so if you don’t like words like first, second, third or fourteenth, or if you don’t like hearing grown men talk about pushing pencils into asteroids while jamming cockroaches with toast all over their scrolls, this isn’t the podcast for you.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by “Life After Death Row Records”, the premier West Bank Hip-Hop Label with superstars like Dr. Dreidle, Members of the Tribe Called Quest, and Jew-Pac Shakur.  You may also know them from their legendary bloody rivalry with Middle-East Coast label Bad Goy Records and their star, Notorious B.I.Jihad.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s January 16th

And this is the “One Year Anniversary Show”.  Godless lap of the sun complete.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from eugenically challenged New York, New York,

And just everything-else challenged Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • A columnist in Tennessee says women should be more rape-friendly,

  • A female math teacher in Alabama agrees,

  • And we’ll breast milk one more gag out of the headlines.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I got a scathing comment on the blog the other day that’s almost too stupid to respond to.  The commenter in question was all over the map with their critique and so much of it was contradictory that I almost wrote it off as a troll.  He said I was too vulgar and shouldn’t insult people and said that I did so because I was a (quote) “fucking idiot”.  He faulted me for hiding behind a microphone with no way for people to criticize what I say… on the forum that I maintain for people to criticize what I say.  He said that I was coward because I was unwilling to pretend that I was a Christian to get along with people.

And that’s all too stupid to respond to.  But hidden in this morass of internal-inconsistency and self-congratulatory blathering was one point that deserves a response.  And not because this asshole took time off from ejaculating into Fruity Pebbles to pound it into his keyboard, but rather because I’ve heard it from a lot of rational people as well.  In fact, it might be the most common critique levelled against the atheist movement by other atheists.

The argument basically says that if atheists were ever successful in eradicating religion it would just be replaced by some other religion or some equally irrational quasi-religious substitute.  I’m sure you hear this one a lot.  Hell, it was the crux of the South Park episode about atheism where all the future people were running around saying “Science damn it” and fighting wars based on scientific schisms.

And I’d love to say that this point is also too stupid to refute and it should be, but it’s just too common to brush aside.

Now, there are a lot of reasons why a fully functioning brain should disregard this.  The first is that it’s just an assumption offered without evidence.  The fact that religion has always been a part of the world is irrelevant when you consider the vast difference in communication and education that differentiates the modern world from every previous iteration of human culture.  Sure, religion has always been a part of human society.  Two hundred years ago it could be said about slavery or the political disenfranchisement of women.  Hell, not only could it been said about those things, it was said.  It was offered as a critique against people fighting to eliminate those practices.

So problem number one; there’s no compelling evidence to support the point.  Problem number two, of course, is that there’s plenty of evidence against it.  If the assertion that religion was an inevitable consequence of breathing were true, it would be mathematically impossible to see a rise in atheism.  How the hell could atheism be on the rise if lack of religion caused religion?  So sure, the supporter of this defeatist attitude can claim there’s some magical limit to the percentage of a populace that can be rational when it comes to religion, but then it becomes a god of the gaps argument where that percentage is perpetually retreating.

So there’s the “cause I said so” problem and the “horse will never replace the car” problem, but even if you can argue your way out of all that, it still doesn’t matter.  Even if the chicken-littles are actually Cassandras and they’re 100% correct, it still wouldn’t matter.  It still wouldn’t be a reason to give up.

All the best fights are unwinnable.  I seriously doubt we’ll ever rid the world of hunger, disease, sexism, racism, poverty or “that’s what she said” jokes, but that doesn’t make fighting against them pointless.  Should we give up trying to cure AIDS?  After all, if you do people will just die of something else.  Should we give up fighting for civil rights because there will always be racists?

I can’t speak for the atheist movement as a whole, of course, but my personal goals have nothing to do with “eradicating” religion even though I think that probably is an attainable goal.  My goal is to marginalize it.  To leave its societal influence on par with bigfoot hunters and chemtrail nuts.  And even if that’s unattainable, it’s worth the fight because every step in that direction has its own benefits.  You don’t have to go all the way to justify the journey.  I’m pretty sure that’s why it’s called a movement.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight, is that guy Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to be that guy?

OK yes … Right before we started I did say something that could have sounded like support for George Zimmerman.  But that doesn’t mean I think that black people shouldn’t be allowed to kill Latinos too.  Somebody has to say these things.  

I’m not sure that somebody does… Anyway, in our lead story tonight, former 7th day adventist pastor Ryan Bell made ripples two weeks ago when he announced that he would be re-examining his faith by living for a year as an atheist, sort of.  Atheists initially responded by pointing out that was well intentioned, but stupid, since the only prerequisite and, in fact, the only feature of atheism is not believing in god and since he wasn’t doing that, it was largely an exercise in celibate masturbation.

And the headline reads: “Unholy Sacra-Mental Masturbation: Christian Pastor converts to atheism, finds out he gives better hand jobs than kids, with their sticky little fingers, all over my five- (trailing off after interruption) thousand dollar robes…”

In defense of those kids, their fingers were gonna end sticky one way or the other.

But trying out atheism?  A test drive? … Not sure if that’s how it works.  That’s like a white person trying out being black for a year, by dancing better.

Exactly.  But as inconsequential as his pledge to forego church and read some Dawkins seemed to atheists, it sure as hell seemed consequential to the people who had the power to power to make it so; his employer.  Four days after embarking on this minimalist attempt to look at the god question from multiple perspectives, he was fired from his position as an adjunct professor at Azusa Pacific University and Fuller Theological Seminary.  Because the last thing you want is professors with broadened points of view.

Well if you want a job at a real university, “Fired from Azusa Pacific University and Fuller Theological Seminary” is a good bullet point for the resume.  So is “Recovering Christian – Four Days Sober”.

After initially criticizing his methodology, friend of the show Hemant Mehta took action by setting up a fund to help the recently unemployed mythologist, raising over $16,000 in 24 hours to help him transition to secular employment.  A fact that, of course, I’d loved to have last month, when I still could have mentioned to Hemant that I, too, am unemployed and living as an atheist this year.

Pastor vows to “try atheism for a year”.  Congregants vow to fire his ass: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/07/ryan-bell-donations-atheist_n_4551225.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

And in “Jesus Saved by the Bell” news, recently-fired Alabama math teacher and statutory rapist Alicia Gray, ended up being less guilty, after finding Jesus just in time for sentencing, and will receive a punishment of five years probation.  Unfortunately for the so-called rape victim, God kept his son Jesus inexplicably well-hidden during the weeks right before the raping incident.

Biblical law gets all fucked up when it’s a woman raping a man.  I think the kid’s dad owes himself 50 shekels.

Here’s a statement from the former teacher: (quote) “I’m thankful because without [God] picking me up and making me realize that I was in a very dark place, I don’t know what could’ve happened.”  

…oh, well in that case…

So God was up there watching this all unfold, and saw her about to play AmTrak with the JV Lacrosse Team, at which point he stepped in and derailed the train.  But he still let her fuck the backup goalie as a consolation, to illustrate the important point, that the Bible defines rape as something between ONE man and ONE woman.  

I bet we could sell a few “Support Traditional Rape” bumper stickers.

The real issue here – that nobody seems to be talking about – is whether or not Ms. ‘Shades of Gray’ is physically attractive.  And she clearly IS attractive.  So case dismissed.  I’m sorry, but the 14-year-old with the hot math teacher, who literally experienced his wet dream from the night before, is clearly not the “victim” of anything.  Bottom line: It’s nearly impossible to rape a 14-year-old boy – which is something the church already learned the hard way.  

Alabama teacher rapist repents: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/14/teacher-who-raped-one-of-her-students-before-heading-to-jail-says-that-jesus-has-saved-her/

And in “Empirical v. Satirical” news tonight, popular science personality and guy who normally makes better decisions than this Bill Nye has agreed to a debate with Australian national embarrassment Ken Ham on the topic of whether or not the universe was prestidigitated into being by an invisible, omnipotent clairvoyant sorcerer.

Yeah I saw the grudge match poster.  Ken Ham looks like the missing link to Amish Wolverine.  He looks like the filthy primate precursor that evolved into Amish Wolverine … Doesn’t help his case for Genesis.

With Ken Ham representing Intelligent Design and Bill Nye representing intelligence, the debate promises to be both meaningless and stupid; as the opposition and audience are entirely made up of people dumb enough to occasionally wipe the wrong orifice after a shit.  The debate will take place at the Kentucky Creationism Museum assuming the museum can stave off bankruptcy for another three weeks.

And if you have trouble choosing a wipe spot, I’m sure sometimes they must wipe the right orifice, and then the wrong orifice.  Which is the worst way to mess that up, I’ve heard.  Don’t second guess yourself, and go ass to mouth …

That would be a great “The More You Know” commercial.   

This is rumored to be the first in a series of Bill Nye debates, including a debate with Jenny McCarthy about how many hydrogen atoms are in a water molecule and a debate with Boo Radley on the proposition “Ungh….”

Bill Nye to debate Ken Ham at Creationist Museum: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/01/02/creation-museum-says-science-guy-bill-nye-will-visit-in-february-to-debate/

And in “Single-Breasted Soup” news, Catholicism’s highest ranked creepy old man-virgin attempted to see his third live booby, by announcing to 32 new moms at a Sistine Chapel baptism, that breast feeding is acceptable in public, including church.    

Reports indicate that nobody whipped out their tits at that point, but if a few of the moms did, I wonder where the monologue would have gone from there.  I can see Pope Franatomically Correct freeballing some revisions to public masturbation laws, maybe rescinding the rule against anal intercourse with vegetables…

There’s a Veggie Tails joke in there somewhere … Thinking quickly to avoid a repeat gaff, the Pope made sure to specify he was referring to nipple and milk, after suggesting that Catholic children should suck on erectile tissue and swallow the white liquid that comes out.  The upshot: Italian atheist kidnappers are sure to appreciate the new emphasis on “milk-fed human veal”.    

And I’m as sick of saying it as our audience is of hearing it, I’m sure, but how the fuck isn’t the headline on this one “While continuing to not actually do anything to change his crooked, money-laundering, child-raping, poverty-insuring cabal, Pope expresses sentiment that would have been progressive 150 years ago”?  Next thing you know he’ll be supporting the germ theory of disease and heliocentrism.

This seems like a new theme for Pope Frammogram, who made a statement last month to an Italian newspaper, in which he made a connection between breastfeeding and global hunger.  So ladies: If you see a homeless dude on the street, eating a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch … DRY, have some compassion.  Whip out a nip, and let the guy latch on for a minute.

Pope Okays Boobs in Church: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/01/13/pope-tells-moms-its-ok-to-breastfeed-in-church/

And in “Time Magazine’s child-rape harborer of the year” news tonight, the Vatican offered a subtle reminder that in addition to hugging lepers, extolling humane economic policies and admitting publicly that tits aren’t evil, the media-darling pontiff also continues to actively impede efforts to bring serial pedophiles to justice.

That must be exhausting.  He’s like the street magician with the ball and cups trick, and you can never manage to follow the red rapist ball.  Where he stops, nobody knows.  Actually, I guess it’s more like Three Card Monty, and you can’t seem to follow the queen.      

You might recall Archbishop Josef Wesolowski from episode 30 of this program, or, if you were an underage Catholic that lived in Poland, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Denmark or the Dominican Republic in the last four decades, you might recall him from forcing you to lick his balls while he was beating off to pictures of unconscious sheep.  Several months ago the villainous bastard was abruptly removed from his diplomatic post in the DR when rumors of a sexual abuse investigations started swirling.

Unfortunately for the slutty archbishop and his victims, they had to learn the hard way that diplomatic immunity doesn’t prevent AIDS.  

AIDS and the fiery vengeance of Sergeant Murtaugh, useless against both.  Anyway, under pressure from the Polish government to extradite the Carmen Sandiego of child fuckers, the Vatican response could only have been more evil if they’d written with the blood of crippled kittens.  When asked about Wesolowski’s legal status as part of an ongoing investigation in that country, Vatican spokesman Frederico Lombardi said that the Vatican does not, under any circumstances, extradite its citizens; that as a Vatican ambassador he had diplomatic immunity and what’s more, fucking children wasn’t illegal under Vatican law until last year, so any kids he fucked in other countries while a citizen of Vatican City would have been legal anyway.

After all these years, Carmen Sandiego of Child Fuckers is still one of Vatican City’s top rated shows?  Weird.  Didn’t think it would play well as a reality show.  

Which, of course, begs for 30 seconds on the clock… “Educational Programming on Vatican Public Broadcasting”.  Go!

BJ and the Bear is pretty gay already … Bear in Stained Bears?  Bear in Stained Twinks?

Undress-a-me Street?

How do you get there again?  Take the Hershey Highway? Altar Boy Meets World?

The Big Comfy Crouch

Bleeding Rainbow?

Where in Carmen Sandiego is Archbishop Josef Wesolowski?  It’s a recent debut.

What about Rick Santorum’s favorite show: The Magic Stool Pus

School House Cocks

3-2-1 Inappropriate Contact

Doc McStuff-It-Ins

Vatican refuses to extradite serial pedophile: http://bigstory.ap.org/article/vatican-polish-prosecutor-we-dont-extradite

And in “Women’s Suffrage should be more like it sounds” news, paternalistic Christian asshole Mark Atkins followed up his 2013 op/ed piece about the ‘homosexual disorder’, with a message for the festering masses of radically liberal feminists in the Tri-Cities region of Northeast Tennessee and Southwest Virginia that read the Kingsport Times News … The basic gist of his message: If women are allowed to make choices about sex, it really complicates things for men.

Yeah, in 15 short paragraphs, this crusty fuck-flake defends slut-shaming, gay-bashing, male dominionism and virginity tests; while also managing to equate gay marriage with both pedophilia and naziism.  This guy is like the Wal-Mart of bigotry… which is impressive because before that Wal-Mart was the Wal-Mart of bigotry.

Atkins writes (quote) “If  liberals and feminists] did indeed care about women, they would preach the Christian virtues of feminine modesty, chastity, and fidelity, and not sexual liberation” (end quote) . . . Let me try to wade through the bullshit, and focus on his underlying thesis.  Basically he’s saying: “Listen up you liberated bitches!  On behalf of Christian misogynists everywhere: If you don’t act like obedient uterus housing – like it says right here in the manual – we’re not gonna want to marry, own, and rape you … as much.”

The arrogance here is probably award-worthy.  The core argument this sphincter-scarring turd kernel is presenting is literally, “If you aren’t careful, I won’t want to fuck you.”  That’s it.

He goes on to add that when women start making sexual decisions, it produces (quote) “Self-loathing, STD’s, abortion, broken homes, and men’s contempt.  Freedom of a sort but hardly fulfilling” (end quote) . . . So yeah the consensual thing is nice.  I guess that’s technically a freedom, but are you really fulfilled at the end of the day?  Especially knowing how much contempt Christian men have … for consensual sex.  

Or just consent in general.

Feminism causes AIDS: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/14/tennessee-newspaper-op-ed-piece-says-sexual-liberation-leads-to-abortion-broken-homes-and-mens-contempt/

And finally tonight, from the “But it still tastes better than the bullshit he usually feeds us” file, South African Pastor Lesego Daniel has added “Turning the faithful into ruminants” to the already impressively long list of things Jesus can’t do.  Under the guise of demonstrating the powers of the Holy Spirit, Daniel encouraged his congregants to eat grass… because he apparently didn’t think atheists had enough ammunition for the sheep jokes.

He must not have heard about the Polish archbishop getting rim jobs from little kids, whilst jerking off to catatonic sheep photos.  Or maybe he just didn’t see the humor potential.  So he also went on to use the bloating caused by eating grass, to perform a bullshit demon-baby exorcism abortion, that ends in a fart joke.  This guy knows how to craft a Scathing Atheist headline.   

That he does.  According to a report in “African Spotlight”, while his congregants were lying in the church lawn grazing, he stepped on them and explained that the experience was bringing them closer to god.  One faithful lawn-licking turf-muncher was quoted as saying “Sure, it’s less healthy than divine Jesus crackers, but honestly, is it any less insane?”

The grass is always greener, on the other side of apartheid?  At least I didn’t say: “Above Mandela’s grave.”

South African pastor tells his congregation to eat grass: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/11/south-african-pastor-orders-his-congregation-to-eat-grass-terminates-demonic-pregnancy/

And on that disturbing thought, we’ll close headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara Bitches!

And when we return Lucinda will join us to talk about mythological hookers.

Calendar:

It’s time for the long overdue atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the monthly few minutes we set aside to discuss all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events coming up around the country and around the world.

This being our first calendar segment of the year, I figured we’d highlight a couple of the biggest annual conventions coming up.  And if you forgot to make a News Years Resolution or you’ve already broken it, I suggest that you resolve to make it to at least one atheist event this year.  If you’ve never been to one before you really owe it to yourself.

NECSS kicks off the season in NYC on April 11th and it’s a packed slate already.  Lawrence Krauss will be the keynote speaker and that’s probably worth the admission right there, but you’ve also got the SGU team on hand for a live recording, plus the usual suspects and a lot of big names yet to come.

http://necss.org/

Same weekend, other side of the pond, friend of the show Andy Wilson will be getting together with the rest of the Merseyside Skeptics for QED in Manchester.  Sanal Edamaruku will be speaking there and damn what a story he has to tell.  Richard Wiseman will also be there with a host of other great speakers.

https://qedcon.org/

But if I can only make it to one this year, it’ll be on the following weekend in Salt Lake-a City, Utah.  That’s right, the American Atheist Annual Convention is right around the corner on April 17th to the 20th.  Greta Christina, Matt Dillahunty, PZ Myers, JT Eberhard, and former Vikings punter and current atheist sensation Chris Kluwe is also gonna be there which should be pretty cool.  We’ll talk more about this one as it gets closer.

http://www.atheists.org/convention2014

For our Canadian listeners, May 16th to the 18th sees the fourth annual “Imagine No Religion” conference in Kamloops, BC.  Eugenie Scott, Seth Andrews, Dan Barker, Jerry Coyne, Jerry DeWitt, Hemant Mehta, Darrel Ray… yeah, if anything could compete with the speaker list at the American Atheist conference, that’s it, right?

http://imaginenoreligion.ca/

And finally The Amazing Meeting is scheduled for the 11th to the 14th of July in Sin City.  Susan Jacoby’s gonna be there; George Hrab is gonna be there; along with Peter Boghossian, the aforementioned Jerry Coyne, the also aforementioned Sanal Edamaruku, the unaforementioned Michael Shermer and a bunch more.  Should be amazing because there’s no way skeptics would let them get away with the name “The Amazing Meeting” if it wasn’t.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

There are a few other events that probably belong in the list, but in my opinion those are the big five and you’ll find links to all of their homepages on the shownotes for this episode.  There are a ton of other events going on this year and we’ll be doing our best to keep you up to speed on them.  If you’re involved with an event that could use a free plug, let me know.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Bible Story:

(Run grab the young ‘uns folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!)

Today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Joshua and meet one of the bible’s most famous prostitutes, Rahab.

Rahab lived in the walled city of Jericho and made her living ejaculating weary travelers.  Mostly vaginal, but occasional hand-jobs and oral.  No butt stuff, though, because Rahab was classy.

And sometimes, when people were done having sex with her for money, they would talk to her and tell her stories about their travels.  And it was through these stories that she started to hear about a powerful army of Jews that was marching through nearby lands.

Rahab was scared because people were saying that the army would attack Jericho and she’d also heard that when this army of Jews had attacked other towns, they killed all the men, all the women, all the children, all the babies, all the farm animals, all the puppies and all the kittens.

So one day some Jews showed up wanting somewhere moist to put their dicks.  And Rahab said, “Hey, are you part of that army that’s coming to massacre all my friends and family?” and they said, “Yeah, but don’t tell anyone.”

Rahab thought about it.  She would still have plenty of time to warn all the inhabitants of the city so that they could prepare for the attack, or at least grab whatever belongings they could carry and escape with their lives, but she decided it would be better to just worry about her and her family.  So she agreed not to tell anyone as long as they would promise not to kill her.  So the Jewish spies agreed not to kill anyone in her house and she agreed to hide them and probably fuck them, too.

Many days later the army showed up so Rahab got a few of her close friends and family and hid in her house while the Jews attacked them with spears, swords and magical trumpets.  And while she hid safe in her home, they killed all the men and once they were taken care of they raped and murdered all the women.  And then they killed all the children.  And then they killed all the babies.  And then they killed all the animals.  And then they burned the city to the ground.  And everyone except Rahab and the people in her house were left bleeding on the streets as their corpses were consumed by the fires of sectarian vengeance.

So the moral of the story is that hiding in your home and trading the lives of thousands to save yourself and a soccer team’s worth of your closest friends while innocent people are mercilessly exterminated is heroic.  And that when you meet some spies that are coming to kill you, you can survive, but just to be safe, you should probably swallow.

Outro:

Before we cue the fat lady tonight I wanted to let everyone know that we’ve got an hour long special episode coming up in a couple of weeks.  We’re putting together a bit of a retrospective to celebrate 50 episodes so if you have a favorite skit, a favorite headline, a favorite guest or just a favorite moment from our first 48 episodes, email us and let us know.  Heath and I are already hard at work putting together a few montages and mash-ups, but we’d love your help selecting the highlights.

I also wanted to remind everyone that if we don’t get enough 5 star reviews on iTunes every week, Tinker Bell dies so keep those reviews coming.

Of course, I need to thank Heath for 364 days of hard work and hilarity.  I need to thank Lucinda for knocking the bible story out of the park once again.  I also need to toss out a big thanks to admirable atheist and legendary Twitter rationalist Mr. Oz Atheist for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s one of the 4 must follow atheist Twitter accounts and if you prefer your atheism longform you can find his blog at Mr Oz Atheist (dot) Blogspot (dot) com.  You’ll find links to both his Twitter account and his blog on the shownotes for this episode and I highly recommend following both.

http://mrozatheist.blogspot.com/

 https://twitter.com/MrOzAtheist

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s quintessential examples of humanity; Kerry, Mathew with one T, Duncan, Max, Andrew, Kenny, Laura, Colin, Matthew with two Ts, Ryan, Wayne, Thomas, Tim, Karen and Lucia.  Kerry, Mathew and Duncan, whose brilliance is overshadowed only by large objects moving between them and the primary light source; Max Andrew and Kenny, the only three high-school graduates ever voted “most likely to avert a natural disaster with their mammoth genitals”; Laura, Colin and Matthew, who are so genetically perfect their genomes are written in iambic pentameter; Ryan, Wayne and Thomas, who are able to spot bullshit cinematic abuses of scientific terms in under 12 parsecs; and Tim, Karen and Lucia, whose intellects collectively inspired the term “neuronal Olympian”.

These 15 paragons of plenary perfection have proved their perspicuity, prudence, pulchritude and prosperity this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the alliterative collection of plosive qualities necessary to donate to this show, but if you enjoy the show, have money and like being complimented, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but if you want more, there’s more.  I’ll be appearing on upcoming episodes of Cognitive Dissonance, the Imaginary Friends Show and the burgeoning podcast “Atheists On Air”.  We’ll have links to those shows on all our social media sites as soon as they’re available.  Between now and then, make sure you like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, check us out on Stitcher, tell three friends about the show and leave us a glowing review on iTunes.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 28: Partial Transcript

August 29, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some elements deleted from the final episode due to time constraints)

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of designer chainmail armor for children, Josh Kosh B’Gosh.  So when there’s an army of genocidal jews circling silently at the city gates, make sure your children are dressed in the coolest new sword-proof, fire-proof, hailstone-proof, machine washable armor.

Josh Kosh B’Gosh, because god hates you and you’re going to die.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro

It’s Thursday, it’s August 29th, and atheists do it with larger, evolutionarily superior genitalia.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons, and from well-hung New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • The Pope raises eyebrows with his “Don’t tell, don’t tell” policy on sex abuse,

  • A high school in Indonesia will consider a new virgin-fingering policy,

  • And Lucinda will join us to talk divine land reapportionment,

But first, the Diatribe

Diatribe

If you ever want to feel really old, take somebody who’s diaper you once changed and watch them change their kid’s diaper.

My wife had the opportunity to do just that last week when she flew down to Georgia to meet her niece’s brand new baby girl.  She doesn’t get to see her family often so our six year old nephew spent most of the week clinging to her leg in one manner or another.

So one night she’s hanging out with him and he’s looking for excuses to not go to bed.  He’s got a bunch of planets on his walls so he starts asking her “which planet is that?”, “which one is that?”  Before long she’s got her laptop fired up and she’s showing him Cassini pictures and Voyager images and closeups of coronal mass ejections and he’s eating it up.  She shows him the Hubble Deep Field image and his eyes just linger in unchecked amazement when she tells him that every point of light he sees is another galaxy with billions or even trillions of stars.

It takes him a second to even think how to respond.  And when he does, the question he chooses is heartbreaking.

“How many miles is it to heaven?”

If I had been there I might have accidentally ruined the next six Thanksgivings by saying something like “Heaven is from religion.  These pictures are from reality.”  But Lucinda is a bit more diplomatic than me so she answered it as well as it could be answered:

“We’ve seen billions of light years away from earth but we haven’t seen heaven.”

That’s a pretty good answer, I guess, if the goal is not alienating your family.  But it’s still a sad damn shame that she had to settle for that.  And it’s a damn shame that at the age of six this kid’s natural curiosity is already being stifled by a ridiculously antiquated view of the universe.  Even at six he’s encountering things that can’t be made to fit into the biblical worldview.  He has to work harder to get to the right answer because he has to weave his way through bullshit to get there.

But the world is already pretty damn hard to wrap your head around at six.  It’s a lot harder when you’ve got to reconcile the Adam and Eve myth with the existence of dinosaurs… and recessive genes; when you’ve got to develop a grand unified theory of history that’s two parts history and one part Jewish revenge porn; when you have to stop in the middle of an astronomy lesson to figure out where heaven is.

Think back to your own childhood and you can probably come up with a memory where you were trying to pound the square peg of religion into the round hole of reality.  Christians love to defend their little fairy tales by telling us they’re allegories.  But when they pull that shit, ask them if they make that clear to their children.  If they don’t start out the story by saying “Here’s a fairy tale about Jesus” when they’re telling it to their kids then it’s only an allegory when you get too smart to believe it’s true.  And that doesn’t fucking count.

The saddest thing is that this kid’s mother isn’t even particularly religious; she doesn’t go to church, I’ve never seen her pray and she’s certainly read less of the bible in her lifetime than I’ve read this week, but still she’s religious enough to hamstring her son’s education.  It’s not deliberate, of course; she just believes that religion is good for her kid because people with every reason to lie say so.

Don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of more reprehensible forms of child abuse that take place in the name of religion.  Even if you set aside the sexual and physical abuse that religion is used to justify you still have the wide spectrum of psychological abuses from tormenting kids with images of hell to confusing the shit out of them with prehistoric notions of sexual morality.  But there’s something about taking a steaming shit on a child’s curiosity that really pisses me off.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow tenable stance junky Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to discuss several more ways religion was stupid and indefensible in the news this week?

When you live and die for a math textbook that says two plus two is five, you manage to get all sorts of other wrong answers too.  Sometimes your Big Brother is dumb, and shitty at math.   

Yeah, all that 1 equals 3 shit was a dead give away.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has finally taken a decisive move to ensure a radical decrease in allegations of sex crimes against the clergy: they made reporting those crimes illegal.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just give all the priests vasectomies? . . .

Cut off the DNA evidence problem at the source.  

Or just ban the word “No” in the Vatican so there’s never technically a consent issue . . .

Or like I’ve said before, Catholics could just stop having children . . .  

But to be fair, those altar boys are asking for it, the way they wear those robes.  

…all clingy and shit.  So there were already plenty of rumors swirling when word came down that Pope Frankie Valli was “bringing the Vatican legal system up to date” by criminalizing leaks of official information at the same time that he was formalizing the laws about sex crimes.  Turns out one law ensures that allegations of sex crimes are confidential and the other makes it illegal to disperse confidential information.

There’s no such thing as a private allegation.  That doesn’t exists.  That’s just a person thinking to themself, “I’m kinda mad about getting raped.”

Vatican foreign minister Monsignor Dominique Mamberti actually had the audacity to pretend that they were all really disheartened when they learned that they accidentally made it illegal to report sex abuse.  He said, and before reading the quote I think I should emphasize that this is actually a real quote (quote) “It’s quite a papal pickle that His Holiness has placed upon our heads.”

It’s time for “Tip of the Mitre, Wag of the Pickle.”

Wasn’t it placing pickles in people’s heads that started this whole problem?

Head scratching behavior, probably because of all the crabs.  

Look, if I wanted somebody to find that sausage, I wouldn’t have hidden it in the first place!

When in Rome . . . don’t be surprised to get an unsolicited Roman helmet.  

And for those listeners who aren’t familiar with this terminology, when I say Roman Helmet, I’m suggesting the Pope would straddle you backwards and rest his balls over your eyes, and the shaft over your nose, thus resembling a Roman helmet.  

They’re actually acting like this was an accident.  First of all, the pope’s infallible so you’re fucked right there.  But secondly what kind of bullshit 4-year-old-with-a-cookie defense is that?  “Whoops!  Did we just insulated ourselves against prosecution and international embarrassment? Shucks, I suppose we could undo it with the wave of a crosier, but we’re not.  Our bad.”

Pope criminalizes the reporting of sex crimes: http://www.newslo.com/pope-criminalizes-the-reporting-of-sex-crimes/

And from the “Unconsciously regulate your endocrine levels if you saw that coming” file tonight, a recent measles outbreak in Texas has been traced back to an anti-vaccination mega-church.

Pastor, faith-healer and sentient excrement Kenneth Copeland of the Eagle Mountain International Church in North Texas is a vocal proponent of the thoroughly debunked, discredited, disproven, disparaged and disgraced notion that the MMR vaccine causes autism, a theory so indefensible it might as well be biblical.

First of all, there’s absolutely nothing INTERNATIONAL about North Texas.  Absurd title for the church, or anything else in that region.    

So the church finally decided to base an opinion on a scientific study, and the doctor whose study they went with was Andrew FUCKING Wakefield?!?  Dr. Dre and Dr. Mario have more respect in the medical community.

When the inevitable outbreak of fully preventable childhood disease struck, the church sent out a rapid fire series of excuses ranging from “The CDC is secretly infecting people with measles to discredit us” to “measles aren’t that bad, now are they?”

“What had happened is . . . We sent out a pamphlet with the measles-preventing prayer, but there was a typo on one of the important magic words, so everyone was saying it wrong.  Plus there was a shortage of unicorn hair this year, so lot’s of people never even got their wands.”  

And as much as I’d love to say that anybody who gets measles after taking medical advice from a used-snakeoil salesman deserved it, the problem with the anti-vax crowd is that the victims are the communities that surround these idiots, not to mention their own children.

Someone needs to sneak into these people’s bedrooms and inject HIV into their stupid, deserving mouths.  

I hear you can pray that out just like measles.

Measles outbreak at anti-vaccination church: http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2013/08/theres_a_measles_outbreak_at_v.php

And in “Criminal Possession of Reason” news tonight, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that California atheist Barry Hazle Jr. is owed some compensatory damages after being sent to jail for not believing in god.  And yes, that’s pretty much exactly what happened.

Dude’s name has too many syllables to become an atheist protest mantra.  

“FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!  FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!” … Doesn’t work.   

No it doesn’t.  So this unchantable assailant served a brief jail term for a minor drug offense and, upon release he’s ordered to participate in an addiction recovery program.  Of course, it’s one of those 12 step “put your faith in a higher power” programs.  Hazle, to his credit, actually attended the programs, but he requested a secular alternative.  The court told him to fuck off.

Yeah, god forbid you sober up through empirically tested means.  No, seriously, god forbids that.

Can’t kick the habit without bad metaphysics.

And judging from the estimates of AA’s success rate, you can’t kick the habit with ‘em either.  So anyway, after staff at the 12 step program reported that he was being disruptive in (quote) “a congenial way”, he was taken out of the program and sentenced to a further 100 days in jail.  In addition he was denied access to Go and the customary two hundred dollars.

Being disruptive in “a congenial way” ? . . . He was probably telling really good jokes, and even the staff started laughing when they shouldn’t.  Listen, if you send an atheist stoner to an NA meeting, he’s gonna make sarcastic comments.  It’s impossible not to.  Rehab for minor drug offenses … and God, are ridiculous notions.  If we don’t mock you there, we could actually burst into flame.  

Anything’s possible.  So of course he sued the state and of course he won, but he was awarded zero dollars in damages by a jury of his peers because apparently his peers are a bunch of Christian, blowhard assholes.  The judge threw out the non-award and set about empaneling a new jury with fewer weasle turds on it.

That’s how the awards process works?  Isn’t that … stupid?  Why not award him NEGATIVE TEN THOUSAND dollars?

Atheist parolee sent back to prison for complaining about the religiosity of Narc Anon: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/23/appeals-court-calif-atheist-parolee-entitled-to-compensation-for-constitutional/

And from the “They Meant Freedom of My Religion” file, some Christians in Kansas are going apeshit over a religious display in a school.  But not because it’s a religious display in a school.  That’s okay.  The problem here is that they used the wrong religion.

The display in question was a banner with five images of pillars that read “The Five Pillars of Islam” and that sounds pretty damning when you don’t know the details.

And Christians are all about not knowing the details.  But out of context, you’ve gotta admit, vertical pillar-like shapes are pretty offensive.  Those five pillars could be used to perform two and half crucifictions.  Kids are supposed to just ignore that fact?!?

The story began when somebody snapped a picture of the banner and posted it on Facebook with the caption “this is a school that has banned all forms of Christian prayer.  This cannot stand”.  And with the penchant for fact checking that we’ve come to expect from angry, meme-spreading Christians, this shit went as viral as Miley’s vagina.

She had to eventually get herpes.  Anyone sired by a grown man with 2 first names and a rat tail….  

I can’t imagine how herpes could survive in that thing.

Quick 2 point reality check: Number one, this school, along with all other schools in the fucking country, doesn’t “ban all forms of Christian prayer”, they just ban the ones where kids are forced to go along.  And number two, acknowledging that religion exists in a school isn’t against the law.  It’s the part where you start pushing it on kids as though it was true that we have laws against.

You might have lost their attention between the word reality and the word check.  These are people who are offended by visual reminders of “things that exist”.

Christians go apeshit over Islam display in a local school: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/wp/2013/08/22/kansas-school-surrenders-to-ignorance-removes-islam-display/

And finally tonight in “I guess you can’t just Saran Wrap your vagina, can you?” news, a school in Sumatra has proposed a virginity test for all their female students.

What a great job . . . virginity tester . . .

“Did she pass?”  “Nope.”  “Wait anal? . . . Hold on . . . Another minute . . . Also no.”

“What about her?”  “Nope.  Next!”

They pretty much never pass – I’m a tough grader.   

Education chief Muhammad Rasyid proposed the idea that he describes as (quote) “an accurate way to protect children from prostitution and free sex.”

Wait… prostitution and free sex?  If there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s paid sex.  And if there’s another thing we don’t want, it’s unpaid sex?  

Can’t prove your virginity without taking a cock . . . Can’t take a cock without losing your virginity.  Seems like a regular “Snatch 22”.  

So setting aside for a second the fact that there’s no actual way to test a woman for virginity, how fucked up does your brain have to be to think that the best way to protect women from prostitution is denying an education the sexually active teenage ones?

Indonesian school proposes virginity test: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/aug/21/virginity-tests-female-students-indonesia

Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll recount a biblical massacre or thirty one.

Joshua, in Rhyme

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, that genocidal idol,

The baddest motherfucker that we’ve met yet in the bible.

He’s like a biblical Batman, if Batman killed babies.

Imagine if you gave Wolverine adamantium rabies.

 

This badass says “chop off your foreskin” and people actually do.

He’s like a Jedi in that his story isn’t factually true,

Like Superman he’s invincible and he wins every battle;

But unlike the man of steel, he kills the women and cattle.

 

He’s like the Hulk but with Thor’s hammer and a magical ark.

The sun needs his permission before it’s allowed to get dark;

Like a bronze age Jackie-Chan, he even kicks ass with dumb shit,

Like his notorious chorus of nuclear trumpets.

 

He’s the Bible’s Bruce Lee but with triple the skill;

He never met an innocent bystander that he didn’t kill.

With a swipe of his sword he could knock the wings off a gnat;

He could take out all four ninja turtles and that mutated rat.

 

As you learn about this guys, it’s not hard to conclude;

That Chuck Norris impregnated the Dos Equis dude.

He’s admirable and loveable and strong and heroic,

As long as you haven’t updated your morals since the paleozoic.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, Moses finally died,

So you could have the position that so long you had eyed.

You served bravely as Vice Jew but the time’s come alas,

After too many decades of kissing god’s ass,

 

To take the baton and lead this army of Jews,

After all, there are Canaanites in need of abuse.

You served god well by scouting and then not being honest;

So you’ll lead the Hebrews to the land that god promised.

 

Your ambitions are grand, your intentions extortionate;

So with your god-given powers of land reapportionment;

You’ll be crossing a river but you won’t need a float;

When God’s done with that shit, you’d have to carry your boat.

 

Where to go? Jericho.  I hear they’ve got hookers.

You promised not to kill Rahab and she’s quite a looker.

You might as well since you’re killing all the gentile chicks,

And there’s no way those Jewish princesses are sucking your dick.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, how your legend ascends,

The way you massacre, exterminate and ethnically cleanse,

You’re the bravest, the strongest and usually the smartest,

Except when dealing with Gibeons… those fucking con-artists.

 

Hanging kings, burning villages, your army sets forth,

From Achan to Ai then continuing north.

Killing children to show what a shit you don’t give;

But showing occasional mercy by letting animals live.

 

With the slightest of setbacks, your conquest succeeds,

Ensuring that millions will boast of your deeds.

You’re a legend, a lion, a genuine stud;

They took your milk and your honey and you took their blood.

Babble

Ah, Joshua, the redundant geography lesson of the Old Testament.  Half exaltation of genocide, half property auction listing, this book has all the intrigue of GPS directions, all the civility of YouTube comments and all the morality of a Nuremberg indictment.

So to help me sort through the fallen bodies, I’m joined by my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

And of course, not having actually gone anywhere since we recorded the headlines segment is Heath.  Heath, thanks for not having left while you had the chance.

So basically the book of Joshua describes the glorious war crimes that Joshua committed in order to fulfill god’s belated promises of land.

Yeah because it’s not like god could just divinely create more land for the Jews that wasn’t full of people they’d need to kill.  What, did he run out of milk and honey or something?

Look, I already made you guys a promised land.  It’s right there.  Milk, honey, vineyards, the whole nine… you just need to fumigate.

And fumigate they do.  So let’s just dive in, shall we?

  1. Upon Moses’ death, God passes the torch to Joshua, which is kind of like Lord Vader putting you in command of the fleet.

    1. God says “You are invincible.  Nobody can defeat you.  But don’t forget to be brave”… how brave can an invincible person really be?

  • Good headline here: “Son of Nun Supports the Habit”

  1. In chapter 2 Joshua sends a couple of spies across the Jordan.  They were just about to start scouting the land when they decided to fuck some whores instead.

  • Joshua says to his spies, “Go check out Jericho.”

“Dude that’s perfect, that whorehouse is right on the way … In N Out Fur Burger.  We’re clearly stopping.  Jericho should be a pushover.”

Then the King of Jericho finds out Joshua sent spies … “Get that slut Rahab on the phone and tell her to be on the lookout for penises that are horribly mangled by primitive foreskin removal.”

Little did the king know, the crafty tribe had conveniently forgot about that rule for a few decades.  More on that later.

  • Apparently everyone in Jericho keeps up with TV news, or saw “The Ten Commandments”, and they thought the Red Sea thing was badass, so they’re scared of the Jews and their apparent ties to a god with cool powers.

  1. In chapter 3 Joshua feels like he has to prove himself to be truly Mosaic so he parts the Jordan.  Couldn’t come up with his own magic trick or anything.  Just totally ripped off Moses.

  • And it’s a dick move when it’s a river.  When you part a river for that long, while an entire tribe and their army carries their shit across, you kill a town upstream by flooding them.

  • Oregon trail would have been easier if you could be a Jewish prophet, in addition to Boston banker, Ohio carpenter, or Illinois farmer.  Never have to risk caulking the wagon or trying to ford the river.

  1. We learn about the 12 magic Joshua stones… and is it me or does this thing occasionally read like a tourist guide?  All this “And they are there to this day” crap… it’s almost like the people writing this didn’t realize somebody would still be reading it 3000 years later.

    1. And wouldn’t that be the easiest way to fuck up the whole “biblical inerrancy” thing?  I mean, somebody plunks one of those rocks back into the river and the bible is suddenly full of shit.

  • And now stupid people have another reason to selectively misinterpret mystical powers related to the number 12.

  1. So the entire army crosses the Jordan into hostile territory and ten seconds after god fills the river back in he says, “Oh you know what… why don’t you guys do some cosmetic penis surgery before going to war?”

    1. And this has the feeling of a later addition.  Like somebody was reading through Joshua version 1 and said, “Yeah but when did these guys chop their foreskins off?  We better add that.  Don’t wanna glaze over the important stuff.”

  • “I’m getting a lot of pleasure sensations from my upper penis area. Does anyone have a flint knife?”

  • And then of course this chapter of the saga can’t end until god sends a messenger to tell Josh to take off his filthy fucking birkenstocks when he enters a promised land.

  1. Then they do the divine conga line think with the trumpets.  For a week there’s a ring of Jews walking silently around town and all the people behind the walls are thinking, “This is the worst parade ever, but they seem friendly, at least.”  And then the trumpet blows, the walls come crashing down and they kill everybody but the whore and her family.

    1. And man do they.  Chapter 6, verse 21: Then they devoted to destruction by the edge of their sword all in the city; both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep and donkeys. Even the talking ones.

  2. So on to chapter 7 which reeks of revisionism.  After god says “go kick ass, you are invincible”, they lose the second fight they get into.  So Joshua is all “Hey bro, what happened to the invincible before my enemies thing?” And god’s all “Uh-uh-uh, somebody took some silver and hid it from me so all bets are off.”

    1. So they go and find the dude who did it.  He confesses.  So they mercifully set him and his family on fire and stone their burning bodies to death.  And that kind of shit makes god really happy.

  • “I said you could rape, but only the Levites can pillage and plunder.  I specifically said raping only.  But the free non-consensual pussy wasn’t good enough, was it?!?  You’re in GOD’s fucking army! Act accordingly! There a line! And it’s somewhere between rape and stealing silver.”  Rape’s on the RIGHT side!!!!  Stealing the silver was the problem!!!

  1. Then they go back to the town that had just kicked their asses because god was on their side again.  But interesting that they also sent 10 times as many men this time and worked out an elaborate ambush.

    1. And kill all the men, women and children.  But you can tell god is in a way better mood, because this time he lets the livestock live.

  2. The residents of Gibeon heard about the approaching wave of genocide so they tricked Joshua into sparing them and just making them slaves by pretending to be from a far off country.

    1. Yeah, they were damn tricky.  They’re showing them moldy bread and saying “look, this was a fresh loaf when we left!  How could we possibly have moldy bread if we weren’t foreigners?”

    2. I love that Joshua asks them “Why did you trick me?”  You were going to kill them, you asshole.  Why the fuck wouldn’t they trick you?

  • It’s the “Two For Flinching, Rodney King” conundrum.  When you swing a night stick, and then yell “STOP RESISTING ARREST!” when they hold up their hand to block it . . .

  1. Chapter 10 probably contains the most ass-kicking of any chapter in the bible.  This is where Joshua pretty much wipes out the whole country.  Hell, god starts hurling stones at the opposing armies at one point and when they try to flee Joshua orders god to not let the sun set so they can pursue them better.

    1. I love the way they keep bragging about how thorough the genocide was.  It’s like bragging to your friend’s wife about how hot his mistress is.

  • These guys wipe out innocent civilians better than a double-tap drone strike.  “Collateral Damage” is Joshua’s middle name … Joshua “Collateral Damage” . . . Jew … Nunson!!!

  1. Then Joshua’s army kills more people.  Then they go back to the army-less towns, kill all the women and children, steal all the valuables and, on occasion, burn the city to the ground.

  2. Chapter 12 is basically a scorecard that compares Moses and Joshua when it comes to the murdering of monarchs.  As it turns out, Joshua won by a long shot.

  • For the record, if you present the information from a table with two columns, and the entry is the same for an entire column . . . you don’t need a fucking table!!!  And if you write it all out – which makes even less sense – you don’t have to repeat the number “one” over and over.

  1. And then this book abruptly stops being remotely interesting.  Just when think you’re settling into a book full of merciless bloodshed we make a hard right into the minutes of a bronze age community re-zoning board.

  • “Ok we murdered all the people.  I believe you PROMISED us some LAND.  It’s not like we weren’t CHOSEN over here.”

  1. For four chapters we get poorly formed GPS directions and a few stories of slightly less thorough slaughters.

    1. Plus some incest.

  2. As you’re reading this shit you can’t help but wonder how this book ever led to a land dispute.

  3. They set up the cities of refuge, which are these lovely little towns full of unavenged murderers.

  • If stupid shit in your holy book leads to a whole bunch of accidental murders, so much so that entire manslaughter cities were necessary . . . you might want to scrap the draft.

  1. On the way home from the war, the Reubenites and the Gadites build a statue to commemorate their part in the genocidal mission from god, and that’s like talking about Fight Club.  Smite Club.  So all the Israelites decide it’s a reasonable time to go to war with them over it.

    1. Luckily they all sit down and talk and agree that they all still believe in the same magical sky man or all hell might have broken loose.

  2. And then Josh is all old and crotchety and he gathers everybody together to send a very clear message: Just cause god’s been giving you a lot of cool stuff doesn’t mean he won’t still fuck your shit up.

  3. And then Joshua reminds them one more time not to piss god off and he dies.  And they bury him.  And apparently they’d been carrying Joseph’s bones around this whole time and they bury those, too.

    1. And the very last verse in the whole thing is about Eleazer dying.  This is some super-minor, forgotten character and the whole things ends with “and Eleazer, son of Aaron?  He’s dead too.”

Now I have to admit that this book gave us some much needed closure.  It managed to tie the whole first six books together and make you feel like you’d just been reading one long story for a minute, so I was actually impressed by it from a literary perspective.

Not so much from a moral perspective.

No, it was probably the least moral thing we’ve come across yet and that’s saying something after Leviticus and Numbers.

And Genesis, Exodus and Deuteronomy.

True.  Well, we’ll be in biblical detox for a couple weeks but we’ll be tackling Judges in about three weeks so you have plenty of time to get caught up if you hate yourself.

Lucinda, Heath, thanks for joining me…

Outro

Before we count down the registers tonight, I wanted to give a quick shout out to all the participants in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists.  It’s a league that Carl from Post Rapture Looting and I cooked up made up entirely of secular podcasters and bloggers.

So to Carl, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible, Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Mark from Be Secular (dot) org, Bill and his son Sean from Bar Room Atheists, Evan from The Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe, Jessye from wherever the heck Carl found her and of course, Heath from 84 seconds ago, I want to say good luck on the week’s when you’re not playing me and may you be humble in your inevitable defeat.

If you have even a passing interest in which podcaster and/or blogger reigns supreme, I’ll be keeping everybody posted on the blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And if you have no interest in that whatsoever, I’ll also be putting other stuff on the blog as well.

I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her wit, her insight and her angelic voice tonight, I need to thank Heath as always, but even more than usual this time for staying up til the crack of dawn after his birthday party to work on the headlines segment.  I also need to thank Michael Dunlap from mikedunlapphotography.com for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  You’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all tonight we need to extend our deepest gratitude to this week’s most irreplaceable corporeal forms; Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden.  Pekka, Sherrill and Thomas, whose lightning quick fists seem sluggish compared to their wit; Steve, David and other Steve whose boundless generosity seems slight compared to their intellects; and Matt and Alden, whose humility is in constant conflict with their behemoth genitals.

These eight brave and valiant exemplars of godlessness have cemented their legends this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the cunning, gallantry and expendable income required to give us money, but if you think you’re worthy to stand beside such virtuous individuals as Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but donating money is against your irreligion, you can also help us out by giving us a sterling review on iTunes or whatever you use.  You can also inflate our sense of self-worth by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter and subscribing to our YouTube channel and our aforementioned blog.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight but if you want more, there’s more.  Steve at the “A Matter of Doubt” podcast invited me on for a chat the other day.  No definitive word on when that episode will be up, but as soon as I know I’ll be sharing it on all those social media sites you were planning on liking, following and subscribing to us on.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Live Blogging the Bible: Joshua 2

August 26, 2013 3 comments

by Noah Lugeons

On the one hand, I’m happy to finally meet a women in the bible who doesn’t fuck anything up, get raped, get turned into a leper or perform any defensive penis surgery.  On the other hand, she’s a prostitute that sells out her own hometown to a couple of strangers because she’s afraid of them.

Meet Rahab, everyone, somebody who would probably, in retrospect, wish they’d left her profession out of the bible.  No before we get into the non-heroic actions of this biblical hero, I’d like to draw attention to an element of the story that never occurred to me until I actually read it.  We all know the story, of course, but for those who don’t recognize the name, this is the story leading to the fall of Jericho.  Joshua sends a couple of spies to scope out the city and when the king here’s of their presence, he sends his men to find them and kill them.

Rahab the friendly prostitute elects to hide the men, lie about their whereabouts, mislead the royal guard and assist them in their escape.  In exchange, she asks that they spare the life of their family.  And to the credit of the women and baby and elderly people murdering Israelites, they keep their promise.

So lets start at the beginning, shall we?  Joshua sends a couple of spies into Jericho to check out the cities defenses.  So where do they go?  Straight to a whorehouse!  This part is usually glazed over and I’m sure most Christians and Jews think that they just took refuge in a whore’s house when the kings men came after them, but that is clearly not the case.  The king sent men to this whorehouse because he heard the spies were at the whorehouse.  Straight from god:

Then Joshua, son of Nun, sent two men secretly from Shittim as spies saying “Go, view the land, especially Jericho.”  So they went, and entered the house of a prostitute whose name was Rahab, and spent the night there.

That’s the opening line of the story.  It’s not until after that the king hears about their presence.  Joshua sent two spies to check out the town and they decided to check out Rahab’s vagina first.

But that’s not the point.  It’s just damn funny when you contrast it to the way these fundies feel about vaginas.

So the king sends his men, Rahab hides them in the roof of her house, misdirects the soldiers and sends them on their way.  The spies go back and report everything to Joshua, then they have some dinner, cross the Jordan, circumcise themselves, observe passover and then attack the city.  We might get into the pre-battle circumcision in a later article, but for now I’m just going to say I don’t recommend it as a military strategy.  The reason I bring it up is that a bunch of shit happens between Rahab discovering that her hometown was about to be massacred and the actual massacre.

She had plenty of time to warn people.  She had plenty of time to encourage her close friends to get the fuck out of Dodge.  She had plenty of time to tell the king so that the city could be ready to defend the attack.  But even failing all this, she also had a house that was a recognized sanctuary.  The spies told her anybody in the house would not be killed, but anyone outside it would.

I’d like to think that if I was in that situation, you’d open my door after the battle and it would be packed like a fucking clown car.  But we fast forward to chapter 6 and the only people in the house are her family.  Really?  Not one person outside the Rahab bloodline was worth sparing there?

I guess I shouldn’t complain.  It’s one of the few acts in this book that isn’t horrible on every level.  As bad as aiding in the genocide of your home town is, it’s the least reprehensible thing anybody’s done in the book of Joshua so far.