Episode 41: Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Link to Episode
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, but if you can handle the blasphemy and the profanity, you’re in for a Jesus-raping good time.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Catholicism in a can, Vaticampbell’s Soup; the perfect post traumatic meal for altar boys. High in vitamins, protein and spermicides, it’s the perfect treat for being good and not telling mommy what happened.
Vaticampbell’s Soup: Get some from your priest in the can.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
And 392 years ago, not today, the Christians tricked the Native Americans with a big meal right before the genocide.
I’m Noah Lugeons
I’m Heath Enwright
And from helium depleting New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
A Methodist reverend is flagged for allowing head to head contact on a defenseless tight end receiver.
We’ll explore the nuances of Texas dildo regulations,
And Israel levies a foreskin tax of 51,100 dollars a year.
But first, the diatribe.
Ah, Thanksgiving, the Americanist of all holidays. It’s gluttonous, wasteful, self-indulgent and better than the Canadian version. We celebrate by taking in an inexcusable number of calories and then watching other people burning calories off on television… violently. We throw away more food per capita than some populations eat on the average day, we gloss over our genocidal national origin with a bunch of feel-good pseudo-history and we mark the start of a four week blitzkrieg of rampant consumerism and that’s all pretty damned American; but the most American thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s secular.
There’s no awkward bullshit religious ceremonies your in-laws are trying to talk you into attending. There’s no break in the middle of the Cowboy’s game where Linus takes center stage and tells us about the birth of Mithra. There’s no team of evangelicals plaguing the media for weeks beforehand telling us that Jesus is the justification for the mastication. We just get together and eat innocent turkeys. And innocent gravy. We come together with our friends and family regardless of which invisible superhero clears out parking spaces for them. And but for a perfunctory saying of grace and grandma rathering you not refer to them as “deviled” eggs, religion doesn’t enter into it at all. And damn it, I don’t care what they say on Fox News, that’s as American as it gets.
Most of the secular holidays we celebrate in this country are tainted by a bunch of rah-rah patriotism and I’m not usually one for the “Don’t tread on me; screw the immigrants and the indigenous, America ‘fuck yeah’” flag waver, but when this country was founded it was almost certainly the most secular nation in the history of humanity and that’s a lineage I’m proud to claim.
Of course there are plenty of evangelicals out there desperately trying to literally rewrite the history books to whitewash the secularism out of our national character, but considering how plainly codified it is in the Constitution, they’ll have to rewrite a hell of a lot more than Texas textbook guidelines to get rid of it. And make no mistake, there’s a huge contingent of politically motivated Christians hell-bent on doing exactly that.
And why wouldn’t they be? Religion would be doing way better if it was legally mandated. Hell, when you consider the categorical superiority of the secular alternative to everything religion does or ever did, it’s fair to say that a legal mandate is the only hope religion has to survive. When I hear the Michele Bachmann crowd screaming “Jesus for Emperor in 2016” I don’t write it off as crazy. I look at it as their last chance.
I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never met an atheist who thinks religion should be outlawed. I’m sure there are a few of them bumbling around somewhere, but every atheist I’ve ever met and every respected voice in the atheist movement is just calling for a fair marketplace of ideas. We’re just asking that religion be evaluated by the same means as everything else and be given no special privilege on the simple merit of being a religion. It’s the kind of thing you can afford to espouse when you’re on the side with all the evidence.
In the time I’ve been doing this podcast a lot of people have asked me, “what’s the point?” Now, in the past I’ve largely dismissed this question. Life is like a JJ Abrams script; there’s doesn’t have to be a point and things don’t have to add up. It’s enough that we’re having fun recording it and other people are having fun listening to it.
But whenever I see the specter of theocracy creeping into the national conversation, I rethink that. I was on a panel the other day with CJ Werleman discussing his new book, “Crucifying America” where he makes the argument that unless atheists can match the political enthusiasm of the Christian right, the forces of theocracy are going to continue chipping away at our secular government and they won’t stop until we can out-zealot Iran.
So this year, when I’m gorging on seared bird flesh and watching the Lions discover a new and creative way to blow a fourth quarter lead, I’ll be thankful that I live in a secular nation. And when the “itis” wears off, I’ll get back to work doing my part to keep it that way.
Because America, fuck yeah.
Joining me for headlines tonight is religious marketing expert Heath Enwright. Heath, any advertising advice for Christianity?
Might be time for a new logo. Yeah I feel like the torture diorama could be a little more relatable … Maybe a different murder victim, on a different shape. Instead of Jesus on a cross, what about chalk-outline-guy on a circle?
Or at the very least they could give the Buddy-Christ a day in court.
Speaking of days in court . . . In our lead story tonight, a federal judge in Wisconsin found it ridiculous that she was needed to decide that people with income, have to pay income tax, even if they’re employed by a fictional character. US District Judge Barbara Crabb struck down a 1954 law that allowed ministers a tax-exemption designed to compensate for their unique financial burden called “housing costs”.
You know, it’s tempting to celebrate here, but the real victims here are the children. Because, as I understand it, most priests can barely afford to lubricate their victims now.
Indeed, tear-free ass lube for kids is another unique financial burden for clergy. So the lawsuit was filed by the Freedom From Religion Foundation against the Treasury Department and the IRS, for letting clergy steal an estimated 700 million dollars a year from public coffers, on this exemption alone. And just to spite the Tea Party, Obama plans to divide these extra funds among communist lesbian single mothers to pay for their 20 imaginary children, and buy crack.
Oh c’mon, that’s ridiculous. When you consider the Obama-mandated 93% abortion rate, that lesbian communist single mom would have to get pregnant 286 times to have that many kids.
And the crack’s gonna lead to a few miscarriages, so that number’s even higher. And as much as it pains me to do this, let’s segue away from crack babies, over to a statement from Russell Moore, president of Baptists for Tax Evasion, who argued: (quote) [sic] “The clergy housing allowance isn’t a government establishment of religion, but just the reverse. The allowance is neutral to all religions.” [end sic] (end quote) . . . Well as long as the Jews and A-Rabs are allowed to steal too . . . So the opposite of Christians stealing billions of dollars . . . is Christians, Jews, and Muslims stealing billions of dollars?!?
Wisconsin judge strikes down parsonage exemption: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/23/federal-judge-in-wisconsin-strikes-law-that-gives-clergy-tax-free-housing/ and http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/24/a-federal-judges-significant-decision-clergy-tax-free-housing-is-not-constitutional/
And in the disturbingly thin “Too Stupid for Texas” file tonight, the Texas Board of Education has rejected the most recent attempt to force intelligent design theory into school textbooks despite the pro-creationism side’s outdated and off-topic endorsement from Jesus.
And just to review the level of competition in this category, “too stupid for Texas”, means dumber than Ted Cruz, Vanilla Ice, George Dubya, and a law that makes it a felony to own six or more dildos.
Is that actually true?
Yep. Pocket pussies would be illegal, too.
So there’s a legal limit on dildos, no limit on live ammunition… brilliant.
Right, plus multi-headed dildos get you right around the rule.
Speaking of multi-headed dildos, the fate of this textbook could still go either way. Nonetheless, religious zealots have all but conceded defeat upon learning that the biology textbook would be reviewed for errors by a panel of biologists. Because the old “there’s no meth in the trunk” line only works if nobody looks in the trunk.
While they’ve got that panel of scientists together, maybe they could skim over those testament books. Thought I remember a typo in Genesis 1, so that’s a good place to start
Facing the unprecedented humiliation of appearing not once or twice but thrice on last week’s headlines segment, the state of Texas seems intent on earning a positive mention on the show for a change. But of course, this only counts as a positive mention because the Texas school board not doing the stupid, unconstitutional, evangelical thing has become newsworthy, so don’t go yee-hawin’ just yet.
Science wins, stupidity loses in Texas Board of Education throwdown: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/texas-board-of-education-holds-up-biology-book-over-evolution-debate/
And from the “British Muslims with sand in their knickers” file, complaints of Islamaphobic persecution have forced universities in the UK to approve gender segregation for debate audiences. Apparently ultra-orthodox religious leaders can’t handle public speaking, unless the penises and vaginas are lined up separately when they picture the audience naked.
So random genital distribution is the kryptonite of ultra-orthodox religious leaders? Good to know.
It’s about time the UK took a page from the sharia rule book, and finally found a way to rein in their problem with university debate audiences devolving into drunken orgies of sex and violence. Deadly riots led by rabid debate hooligans were really getting out of hand . . . And at the root of the issue, were all the women mixed into the crowd.
It’s England. That probably really happens. I bet somebody’s been crushed to death against a fence at an Intelligence Squared debate by now.
According to a report by vice-chancellors’ group ‘Universities UK’, as long as the seating chart meets the equality standards of an Alabama public school from 1950, it’s fair: (quote) “Both men and women are being treated equally, as they are both being segregated in the same way.” I’ll repeat that . . . They are both being segregated . . . in the same way . . . by gender. Apartheid was fine too, because blacks and whites were both being segregated by race.
Okay, this is all making perfect sense, of course, but where do the transexuals sit?
Great question. That … was addressed in the FAQs. Hermaphrodites will be allowed entry, but not double entry like normal. Also, they will have to remove their penis or plug an orifice … which seems unfair because nobody else gets to choose their section. And of course, as usual, eunuchs can’t come.
UK Universities allowed to segregate genders during debates: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/universityeducation/10468115/Universities-can-segregate-men-and-women-for-debates.html
And in hysterical numerical chimerical clerical news tonight, Methodist Reverend Frank Schaefer was suspended for 30 days for the crime of officiating at his son’s wedding, made heinous by the fact that his son was marrying a dude.
Methodist couples everywhere are already feeling a little gayer, and are up in arms about the so-called “Fairy God Father”.
Schaefer was tried before a jury of clergy and found guilty of not sufficiently hating queers, for which he received a suspension that many feel is tantamount to a defrocking. But considering the kind of macabre historical horrors the term “jury of clergy” conjures in my mind, it could be a hell of a lot worse, I suppose.
Yeah this is really just a slap on the limp wrist. Worst case scenario, the Methodists build a bridge out of him.
During his trial, Schaefer continuously emphasized that he felt god calling him to minister openly for gay equality, but the jury dismissed this because apparently even clergy are skeptical of the whole “god” thing.
Pastor suspended 30 days for officiating at his son’s gay wedding: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/lively-testimony-in-penalty-phase-of-trial-for-pastor-who-officiated-at-gay-sons-wedding/2013/11/19/f5402942-5146-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1_story.html
And in “Riyadh Reach Around” news . . . Just when you thought Saudi Arabia was getting too sexually promiscuous, the federal team of middle school dance chaperones known as The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, has stepped in to cure the torso-contact epidemic that’s been plaguing the country. When concerned citizens reported a local man giving away illegal exotic things called hoogs, or hugs, the buzz kill squad launched a massive investigation.
All part of the “Thugs not Hugs” campaign. Considering the sentencing guidelines in Saudi Arabia this dude is lucky if they don’t amputate his torso.
In a true Rama-Donnie Brasco story (Callback – TSSSSST!!!), an extremely brave undercover agent was able to catch the perp on tape: “So we’re really doing this, Abdulrahman al-KhayyalI who lives at 127 Muslim Boulevard in Riyadh? I give you zero dollars, and you give me an illegal exotic bodily embrace? Ok he’s doing it! Abra-Cadab- no Allah-Kazaam!!! Red team go!!! Red team go!!!”
What a massive waste of public resources. Sure, they’ll nail all the huggers, but while they’re focused on that you have blasphemers and rape-victims roaming free in the streets.
Couple of fun facts about the the Sharia Sheriffs – aka the SS. First of all, they resent being compared to the Nazi secret police, although they do respect the anti-Jew sentiment underlying the tenets of German national socialism.
At least it’s an ethos…
Second fun fact: These are the same guys who famously promoted virtue in 2002, by murdering 15 schoolgirls in a fire. They righteously prevented them from leaving a burning building without anti-rape outerwear, which are required in public places like the outside of a burning building. Crisis averted.
Saudi Man arrested for giving out free hugs: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/saudi-arabia-man-arrested-for-giving-out-free-hugs-8953720.html
And in baby dick litigation news, a rabbinical court has ordered an Israeli mother to pay a fine of one hundred and forty dollars a day until she surgically alters her infant’s penis like a good Jewish mother.
And in penis headline form: Plagued by foreskin envy, “Members of the Tribe” are calling for “just the tip of the Weisberg”. Nobody raises penis veal in Israel without the Jewish Mafia getting a piece of the action.
Fearing that allowing her to not adulterate her son’s naughty bits could set a dangerous precedent that would add fuel to the growing international controversy over the unsanitary perversity of grown men licking bloody baby cock, the court posed the following question in its ruling, “How will the world react if even [in Israel] the issue of circumcision is given to the discretion of any person, according to their own beliefs?”
Yeah Israel would be a laughing stock. What kind of theocracy can’t even enforce mandatory genital mutilation?!? That’s just embarrassing. Plus lots of guys would never get their dick sucked if it weren’t for the mohel. And how else can you inoculate the infant population with herpes to prevent herpes?!?
The court went on to label commonsense objections to circumcision in general and the part where some herpetic newborn-groupie goes all Miley Cyrus on 8 day old testicles in particular as anti-semitism that must be combatted. So for those of you keeping score at home, objecting to sucking an infant’s dick is anti-semitic; objecting to sucking an adolescent’s dick is anti-Catholic.
Israeli rabbinical court orders mother to circumcise her son: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/26/jewish-court-tries-to-force-mother-to-circumcise-her-young-son-on-penalty-of-daily-fines/
And in “Jizzm Schism” news, conservative Christian groups are planning a ‘Day of Prayer’ on December 10th, to rid the world of pornography, and the resulting murder of babies during the controversial “negative first” trimester. Their missionary position on the issue blames smut and hand abortions for brand new societal woes like rape and thunderstorms.
I just want to know how much I have to chafe my chicken before I can summon a shark-nado.
Try harder . . . Not wanting to get “cock sock blocked” and/or “beaver damned”, personal orgasm rights advocates will stage a “passive day of nothing” that will coincide and compete with the Christian protest. There’s no plan, so everyone will probably just stay home and jerk off like usual. When porn continues to exist the next day, we’ll have proof that masturbation is at least as effective as prayer. I think it might be–
I’m way ahead of you. 30 seconds already on the clock … Christian Euphemisms for Masturbation … GO!!!
Spreading a handful of Holy Seed
Dressing your salad with popercorn ranch
Straightening the crozier
Knowing Thyself Biblically
Shit, “beating the bishop” is already a euphemism isn’t it? For being forced to whack off your bishop?
Dishonorable Discharge from the Salvation Army
Nailing your palm?
Thumping Below the Bible Belt
Christian group plans “Day of Prayer” against porn: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/conservative-groups-plan-prayer-vigil-against-pornography/
I guess it’s true what they say; masturbation jokes are more fun with a partner. So that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
I’m sticking with “Messiah-nara, bitches!”
And when we come back Lucinda will join us to beg you for money.
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes we normally set aside to highlight all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world. But because of a combination of there not being much going on in December and me not wanting to highlight all the 2014 shit until next month, there won’t be any highlighting of conferences and events this month.
But because we still had two minutes to fill and I wanted to write a new music bed for this bit, I’ve decided to go a different direction. Like most atheists that grew up in a predominantly Christian culture, I find myself celebrating all the traditional Christian holidays and this December I’m hoping to break that habit by trying on some new December holidays. If you’d care to join me, here are a few non-Jesusy reasons to celebrate this holiday season:
12/1 World Aids day – for those who wish to celebrate AIDS. Not sure that this one is for me, but it sounds like a holiday Heath could really get behind.
12/7, a date that will live in infamy, is International Civil Aviation day, which we celebrate by flying airplanes that almost never bomb Pearl Harbor.
12/10 Human Rights Day – Not sure what that’s all about, but I figured the humanists would love it because it has their name right in the title.
12/11 National Noodle Day – I only mention it because there aren’t enough Pastafarian holidays.
12/21 Winter Solstice – A pagan holiday celebrated by doing all the Christmas stuff without the Jesus dolls. And if you’re with pagans there will also probably be some naked bonfire related activity.
12/25 Newtonmas – If you’re looking for a person born on this day over whom you can exchange gifts, decorate a tree and bake a ham, fuck Jesus. How about Sir Issac Newton? Seriously. Golden rule, laws of motion; getting crucified like a pussy, developing calculus; saving a whore, building the world’s first operational reflecting telescope. Jesus has nothing on that motherfucker.
Anyway, that wraps the calendar segment for this month, but we’ll do it again next month, only we’ll talk about atheist events and shit like we normally do.
In keeping with the Thanksgiving tradition, we thought we at the Scathing Atheist would take a minute to reflect on what we’re thankful for this year. Things like family,
The thematic smut suggestion website called Pandora’s Box…
Indecisive juries and the improper handling of DNA evidence…
Late-term abortions…That was a close one…
Sylvia Brown not being alive…
Subtle references to dildos…
But above all things, we’re thankful for our listeners. We’re thankful that people are willing to invest thirty minutes a week of their life listening to us make jokes about anally raping Jesus.
And we’re thankful for all the encouraging emails, facebook messages and iTunes reviews that people have taken the time to send.
And we’re thankful that the FCC hasn’t cock-blocked podcasting yet…
And we’re thankful that we’re able to find the cummulative 50 hours a week it takes to write, record and edit this show.
And we’re thankful that you have a spouse who’s so understanding and supportive
And makes awesome Thanksgiving desserts.
And of course, we’re thankful for all the people who support the show financially and keep our little operation afloat.
Because telling god to go fuck himself is more expensive than you think.
But luckily, for just one easy payment of however much you care to give us, you can help us bring you the very best dick puns and ass plays on words, in the business.
So a genuine thanks to everybody who gives us thirty minutes of their life.
And if you’d like to say “you’re welcome”, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
In chapter one God makes the universe and it takes seven days.
In chapter two he makes it again… in a contradictory way.
By chapter three he’s made Adam, here he makes Eve,
Then he kicks them out of Eden cause they’re covered in leaves?
In four God’s a dick to Cain, but not Abel,
So Cain strikes down his brother like the tower of Babel.
In chapter six we meet Noah; God says “Get ready for bruises,
You’re going on the worst boat ride there’ll be until Carnival Cruises.”
He gathers all the animals and builds a big boat,
And I guess no one else had anything on which they could float
Noah praises God for all the people he whacked,
But glancing at his cock’s an unforgivable act.
Then we spend an entire fucking chapter or two,
Learning ad nauseum who begat who.
By chapter twelve we meet Abraham and he uproots his life,
Takes his shit to Egypt and starts pimping his wife.
He fucks a slave, she has a kid and they exile that one,
But then at ninety-nine Sarah bares him a legitimate son.
In seventeen Abraham makes a crazy decision,
Regarding all his sons and slaves and adult circumcision.
In Twenty-Two he gets all screwy, and takes Isaac, his tyke,
Up a mountain and almost sacrifices him before the angels say, “Psyche!”
Abraham tells God there’s at least ten in Sodom with class,
So he sends a couple angels that they try to fuck in the ass.
And when you try to ass-rape angels, what comes is your fault,
Whether your town’s burned down by brimstone or you’re turned into salt.
Later Isaac meets Rebekah, they have Jake and Esau,
The big brother’s got the muscle but the brains of a cow.
Jacob tricks him from his birthright for a warm bowl of soup,
And his old near-sighted daddy’s just as easy to dupe.
Jacob takes two wives, fucks both of them and their maids.
I swear a chapter’s dedicated to Jake getting laid.
He has a dozen sons in all but he liked Joseph the best,
So his bro’s conspire against him and they steal his vest.
They sell him as a slave and tell daddy he’s dead.
He winds up a slave of Pharaoh for not performing in bed.
Here he goes all psychic, starts interpreting dreams.
It takes a couple years but at last he’s redeemed.
He stores up food for famine and he gets filthy rich;
His bros come needing munchies and he makes ‘em his bitch.
Then Joey shows back up, much to daddy’s surprise.
Jacob, now called Israel, eventually dies…
Chapter fifty’s so uplifting, all the tribes makes a truce;
And by now god’s promised the entire known world to the Jews.
Jews____ Back then, though, they were called the He-
Brews____ Those lucky fucks were the one god would
Choose____ Which is why nothing bad ever happens to
Before we wrap up the leftovers tonight I wanted to let everyone know that Heath and I were invited to take part in a panel on the InKredulous Podcast next month. Not sure exactly when that’ll be available but as soon as it is I’ll let you know via Twitter, Facebook and the blog, all of which, of course, you follow and or subscribe to and or like.
And with cyber Monday rapidly approaching, I wanted to also remind everyone to check out our CafePress site for all your godless holiday shopping needs. You’ll find a link to it on our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, but you’re clever enough to Google it even without the link.
And at the risk of beating this whole “giving of thanks” thing to death, I need to thank Heath for being a clever, funny, godless bastard; I need to thank Lucinda for taking a break from cooking vast quantities of food to help us out tonight; I also need to thank Lucinda for cooking vast quantities of food and, as you may have noticed, we’re still always looking for more Farnsworth quotes, so if you have a blog or a podcast to promote or you just want to hear your voice at the beginning of the show, email me a clip; you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most vivacious vertebrates; Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul. Meredith, who’s such an incomparable badass they had to put the word “death” in her first name; April, whose face I’m totally carving into Mount Rushmore first chance I get; Rob, who, no offense to Peter Capaldi, would have made a way better 12th doctor; Bart, slayer of six fingered giants; Richard, whose ceaseless generosity has damn near earned his own theme song; Jeffrey, whose melodious voice is sweet enough to cause adult-onset diabetes; Benjamin, whose intergalactic reputation with a katana keeps the alien invasion forces at bay; Ross, whose ejactulate is legal tender in many island nations; Chris, whose gravitas causes quarks to chill the fuck out and act normal in his presence and Paul, who, through sheer tenacity, has earned the right to divide by zero.
These ten valorous paragons of profundity have earned eternally archived praise and first dibs on the left over green bean casserole and stuffing this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the civility, agility, virility and mental ability required to give us money, but if you think you share Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul’s laudable percipience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you want to earn our perennial appreciation for free, you could always leave us a five star review on iTunes. And if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher, download the free and very awesome app and check us out there as well. Really helps our ranking and helps more people find the show.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.