Home > Show Transcripts > Episode 40: Partial Transcript

Episode 40: Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some portions that were edited from the finished episode due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language.  But we’re talking about the Bible in it so what the fuck do you expect?

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Chlorthodox Bleach; proven to whiten fabrics better than a renaissance painter whitens a Middle Eastern Messiah.

Chlorthodox Bleach: Like Christianity, it’s relatively safe for coloreds, but it’s really made for whites.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 21st,

And non-sequiturs are all about inflection.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from America’s clitoris New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll point out that Christians are really just praying to Jew God in beta testing.

  • George W. Bush will prove that he’s still got it,

  • And Lucinda will join us to learn that 2 Samuel was fun, like a clumsy colonoscopy from a polydactyl giant.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Everywhere I go, I’m haunted by the goliath incisors and immaculate hairpiece of Joel O’Steen.  Everytime I check our rank on iTunes (which I probably do more often than is psychologically healthy), I see the preposterous oral contortion he calls a smile.  He’s always sitting there at the number one spot, beaming about his supremacy.

He does the same damn thing on the Stitcher ranks.

And now he’s doing the same damn thing on my morning commute.  He’s got a new book out and every third subway train I step into has an ad for it.  It’s yet another in his twelve thousand part series about telling you whatever the fuck you want to hear if you’re willing to pay him to say it.

The tagline on the ad is brilliantly paradoxical and encapsulates O’Steen’s brand of bullshit perfectly.  Below his dentally arduous visage it reads, “God doesn’t want you to live an average life.”

Now think about that for a second.  This is an ad.  It’s not written to anybody in particular; it’s being told to the average person.  So if O’Steen’s right and god doesn’t want you to live an average life, he probably shouldn’t have set up the law of averages to mathematically guarantee that you do.

But that’s the beauty of the whole prosperity gospel bullshit.  God wants you to be rich.  That’s why Jesus was all about investment advice and streamlining supply chains and stuff.  God wants you to be rich so he put you in a country where the income disparity makes some food chains seem equitable.  God wants you to be rich so he built you with a brain stupid enough to plop down fifteen bucks on the hardcover version of Joel O’Steen cramming the word Jesus into a generic self help seminar.

And there, in a nutshell, is my biggest problem with religion.  Here’s this used dental-floss salesman spouting on about Deepak level bullshit but as long as he sprinkles it with somes gods, a few Jesuses and an accent that screams for banjo accompaniment, it’s Christian and Christians will lap it up.  Not like Jesus is ever gonna show up and contradict him or anything.

It doesn’t matter that the core of O’Steen’s message is precisely antipodal to the core tenet of Christianity.  It doesn’t matter that he can’t even assemble a one sentence blurb about his book without working in an accidental oxymoron.  It doesn’t matter that his message makes the Secret look substantive.  You like being rich don’t you?  You like Jesus don’t you?  Well then buy this book!

According to the ad copy, O’Steen’s new book will help you (quote) “improve relationships, increase productivity, accomplish your dreams and believe bigger.”  Yes, believe bigger.  That’s so stupid there should be a GNC supplement for it.  Believe bigger!?  Gee, that’s a hell of a deal, Joel, but do you have something that could help me run in tune?  Maybe a section on how to jump darkly?  Or masturbate opaquely?

But it doesn’t matter if what he’s saying doesn’t make sense.  He’s selling to Christians.  They’ve had their innate ability to recognize contradiction and bullshit beat out them for decades, all you have to do is use a trigger word like Jesus and they’re hardwired to shut down the critical parts of their brain.  Believe bigger?  Sure, that makes sense from a spatial and/or metaphorical perspective.  Why not?  He said Jesus nine times in four sentences and makes the word Lord multisyllabic so clearly he knows what he’s talking about.

God wants you to be rich.  Sure, he could have given you wealthy parents or the PowerBall numbers, but why bother with that when he could just stick all the secrets to happiness, fulfillment and large beliefs in 22-point type, a 5th grade reading level and five easy steps.

So don’t forget to pick up your copy today, because god wants everyone to be above average.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is semi-professional devil’s advocate, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to publicly champion the Angel of Darkness?

Why not?  Some of my best friends are dark.

In our lead story tonight, it would seem that the Vatican has refused a deal that they couldn’t refuse.  Italian organized crime experts warn that Pope Frank Corleone’s attempts to reform the notoriously corrupt Vatican bank might have put him at risk of waking up with an alpaca’s head under his blanket.

I’m not too surprised.  Dudes get whacked and rubbed out in the Vatican all the time.

Reverend Federico Lombardi, a spokesman for the Vatican, downplayed the reported threats saying (quote) “The Holy See is not at all worried, and at this point we’re kind of hoping somebody offs that fucker so we don’t have to keep retracting his ad-libs.”

Who would have ever guessed that an extremely opaque, corrupt bank full of Nazi plunder money – in a bullshit pseudo-nation built into Rome – would be laundering money for the mob?!?

Italian prosecutor and mafia expert Nicola Gratteri admits that he doesn’t have specific information about a plot against Pope Franks for Playing, but added (quote), “The last two popes didn’t ride around in a bulletproof condom for aesthetics.”

Pope refuses a deal he can’t refuse: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/14/prosecutor-pope-faces-mafia-threat/

And in “beheadline” news, the militant rebel group in Syria known as the Islamic State of Iraq and All Sham – aka ISIS – put out a heartfelt apology after accidentally decapitating fellow extremist Mohammed Fares, who – according to local custom – should have been guillotined by a rival group.  Diplomats are imploring Syrian rebel groups to put their heads together … in a big pile … and come up with a peaceful solution.

Yeah, these guys are giving machete wielding Muslim terrorists a bad name, here.  There’s a civilized way to decapitate your enemies, guys, and this isn’t it.

When asked about the “face-ectomy faux pas”, ISIS may or may not have released the following statement: “Look, we got served by the People’s Front of Judea on YouTube, and we were scrambling to get a jihad response video in the can.  Had we known he was such an accomplished murderer of slightly different Muslims, this never would have happened.”

Yeah, but I like this story because it bucks the stereotype.  Just when you thought that all Muslims do is kill people with different religious beliefs than them, they go and kill somebody with the exact same religious beliefs as them.  That isn’t a woman.  It’s empowering.

I like this story too . . . It makes me feel like less of a bigot during my vigilante subway security sweeps.  Apparently Muslim extremists all look the same . . . even to other Muslim extremists.  Somehow, the all-face beard and AK-47 are always the first thing to catch the eye.

Islamic extremists cut off the wrong dude’s head, apologize: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/10449815/Al-Qaeda-linked-rebels-apologise-after-cutting-off-head-of-wrong-person.html

And in “Habitat for Jew-manity” news tonight, ex-president, Alfred E. Neuman clone and miserable fucking idiot George W. Bush is under fire for speaking at a controversial “Jews for Jesus” fundraiser that seeks money to bring about the apocalypse by talking Jews out of the whole Judaism thing.

Why weren’t we invited to that?  Our grossly offensive – yet strangely appealing – brand of humor begrudlingly devangelizes thousands of Jews every week.  If there’s a second coming, it’s pretty much all us.

A spokesperson for the national embarrassment defended Bush’s appearance by arguing that (quote) “of all the fucked up shit this dude has done and all the stupid decisions, you’re gonna get your panties in a twist because he finally came clean about hating Jews?  Fuck off.”

Despite his well-documented neural deficiencies, I’m like 90 percent sure he did make the following statement at the event: (quote) “You guys know Jesus’s old saying, right? … Crucify me once, shame on me.  Crucify me twice … No I’ll come back and- … Well you’re not gonna crucify me again.”

Controversy over George W. speaking at “Jews for Jesus” conference: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/andrewbrown/2013/nov/14/george-w-bush-speech-messianic-judaism

And from the “Persecution by Bookstore Taxonomy” file, Christians are outraged, after being forced to push their pallet truck all the way to the fiction section of Costco, just to buy 10,000 bibles.  California pastor Caleb Kaltenbach – whose name sadly lacks any overt genital references – recently discovered that a local Costco put a “fiction” label on the fantastical allegory book that defines his life.

Alright, so if those assholes at Barnes and Noble ever piss me off again I’m just gonna go in there and make up new religions just so they’ll have to rearrange the shelves.  “Excuse me, miss, why the hell is the gospel of Katniss in the ‘fiction’ section, here?”

After numerous complaints from adult people who don’t know what “fiction” means, Costco has diplomatically agreed to open a “Factually-impaired Non-fiction” section, or “Lie-ography” section, to hold religious propaganda books.  

Yeah, but in Costco’s defense, I didn’t know religious people could read either until I saw this article…

And, strangely enough, nobody said a word about the “fiction” label on Aesop’s Fables, the Koran, or even the Jewish prequel to the Jesus book.  By Kaltenbach’s logic, every single book store with a fiction and non-fiction section, regardless of how they place each religious text, is taking part in religious persecution . . . Because it would be physically impossible not to!!!

FoxNews’ panties wrinkled over Bible being labeled as “Fiction” at Costco: http://nation.foxnews.com/2013/11/18/starnes-exclusive-costco-labels-bible-fiction

And in “the supplest of supplication” news tonight, Illinois bishop and person who shouldn’t be mixed with carbonated beverages Thomas Paprocki plans to hold an exorcism in (quote) “reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage”.

Probably a smart move.  This should shut down all the earthquakes and typhoons.  Your welcome, Phillipines.  Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a joke here about gay ghost demons and crossing the streams.

While you’re working that out, I’ll get back to the story.  Paprocki justified his belief that gay marriage is inspired by Lucifer by pointing out that back when Pope Fran Tarkenton was still just Cardinal Jorge Burger-Google, he said as much.  When Argentina legalized gay marriage the then archbishop called it (quote) “A move of the father of lies who wishes to confuse and deceive the children of God” (end quote) which is clearly either of reference to the devil or then supreme pontificate Pope Bent-and-dicked-us.

How do exorcisms work, again?  Will the gay married couples stop being gay, or stop being married?  Or will one change gender?

Yes.  The exorcism is scheduled to take place while we’re recording tonight so if, by the time you hear this, there are still fags, Paprocki will have proven that at least Catholic god is verifiably false.

Illinois Bishop plans gay-marriage exorcism: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/15/illinois-bishop-plans-gay-marriage-exorcism/

And from the “Irish comedian tells offensive joke about Muslims” file . . . Why the fuck is anyone ever surprised about the contents of this file?!?  Conan O’Brien recently tweeted: (quote) “Marvel Comics is introducing a new Muslim female superhero. She has so many more special powers than her husband’s other wives.”  Despite being hilarious, and therefore exempt from bigotry charges, there were many angry responses, and Conan deleted the tweet like a pussy.  

In his defense, he could’ve been trying to protect his streak for the longest a person has ever been considered a comedian without being funny.

One such angry response said: (quote) “Real classy bigotry, Conan O’Brien. Did you enjoy having a laugh at the expense of the marginalized?”  YES!!!  Comedians tell jokes, and we all have a laugh at the expense of the marginalized!!!  That’s humor!!!  And it’s not like he made an offensive list of possilbe names . . .

Pretty sure that’s our cue to put 30 seconds on the clock.  Muslim Superheroines. Go!!!

Before we start, I did some research, and there does exist a PakistAnime superheroine called . . . no bullshit . . . The Burka Avenger.  But I’m gonna start with Silk Scarf Spectre.

Bur-kat woman?  I know that’s not very good, but The Brown Widow is racist so I’m not gonna use that one.

That is racist.  Not ALL Muslim women were widowed by a suicide bomber . . .   

The Black Tar Heroine

Hum-mystique

They do eat hummus . . . The Almost Invisible Woman?  Just a floating eye rectangle.    

I was gonna say the “Wishes she was Invisible Woman”

SheRa-madan … The She-Hadist

Maybe a team of superwomen; The Fantastic 72

Shit yeah . . . the little lebowski virgin achievers . . . the heaven groupies . . . the Tali-Band-Aids.  

Conan mocks Islamhttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/19/is-this-conan-obrien-joke-racist/

Damn, I hate to close things out so close to a fatwa, but we’re out of time for headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-Nara!!!

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in discovering that the 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel division had nothing to do with the bathroom code.

Poem

2 Samuel

Two Samuel?  Well damn you’ll forgive me for saying,

I’m starting to like all the raping and slaying,

It’s not that the bible has sapped all my ethics,

And it’s not that I’m a fan of historical epics,

It’s just better than all the begats and the praying.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s too long and the story’s a mess,

And there’s a huge literary mistake to address,

A new character appears every sentence or two,

Which makes keeping track of them miserably tricky to do,

But I suppose I can try nonetheless.

To start it all there was Saul who was king but got killed;

Then there’s David whose promise from god was fulfilled;

There’s Ahinoam and Abbie, David’s first wives,

And  Ishbaal, son of Saul, whose reign he revives,

With Abner, a warrior respected and skilled.

Joab’s the commander of David’s armed forces,

His brother Asahel runs as fast as the horses,

But he slowed down when Abner puts a spear through his gut

So Joab snuffs him out like a cigarette butt,

Against David’s orders according to dubious sources.

Baanah and Rechab are Ishbaal’s remaining commanders,

But they kill their own king and go to David to pander,

So with Saul’s house destroyed, he goes after the chicks,

Like Michal who he purchased with Philistine dicks

And wants back though it’s clear that he can’t stand her.

King David was fertile with a dick never limp,

And he had more chicks to fuck than a Manhattan pimp,

So he had children a lot; first Amnon then Chileab,

Absalom, Adonijah, Shephatiah and Ithream,

Oh yeah, and he took care of Mephibosheth the gimp.

Tamar was a hottie and Amnon wanted to fist her,

So he told his friend Jonadab that he couldn’t resist her.

Jonadab says, “Rape her” so Amnon acts like he’s sick;

When she bend over to help, he just whips out his dick.

So he fucks her, then boots her and, oh yeah, she’s his sister.

Then there’s Bathsheba, Tamar was hot but she’s hotter,

And when David first spots her she’s wearing nothing but water,

So he disregards the fact that she’s menstruating and married,

His salami was hard and it had to be buried,

And so did Urriah, her husband, who David had slaughtered.

King Haram builds King David stately abodes,

Nathan, the seer, foretells and forebodes,

Hanun the Ammonite mistreats King David’s men,

Shimei tosses rocks at the king now and then,

And Uzzah puts a hand on the ark and explodes.

Sheba is mutinous, Ahithophel is unwise,

Amasa brings about Sheba’s demise,

Eleazar, Shammah and Josheb-basshebeth,

Are ferocious, impetuous merchants of death,

And, oh yeah, there’s Solomon, who has yet to arise.

From Abiathar the priest to Ziba, servant of Saul;

Through the dozen of characters I don’t even recall,

There’s no shortage within of unpronounceable names,

So when you think about it, it’s really kind of a shame

To name the book after someone who’s not in it at all.

Babble

For the love of our listeners, we suffered through 2 Samuel this week; this book has all the literary intrigue of a high school newspaper and as many characters as a high school yearbook and yet still, somehow we got all the way through it.

I used cocaine.  Good for awful books, plus it helps you stay motivated to … buy more cocaine later that day.  And that third digit in my bank account was really getting unmanageable.

And of course, joining us in this misguided adventure once again is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back to the show.

Great to be here, despite the circumstances… and I think Heath should have shared the cocaine.

Alright, so 2 Samuel starts off exactly when 1 Samuel leaves off, so Lucinda, can you set the stage for us?

  1. Sure.  When last we saw our intrepid hero David, he was off kicking Amalekite ass, rescuing kidnapped people and being elsewhere while Israel gets wasted by the Philistines.  

    1. So chapter one of two Samuel starts with some random guy showing up and telling David that Jonathan and Saul fell in battle, and that, upon request, he finished Saul off.  So David kills him.

  • “That’s my gay lover – and his dad my other gay lover – you’re talking about, asshole!  Nobody finishes off Saul better than me!”

  1. So with Saul dead the whole kingdom goes to shit.  David is declared king of Judah, Ishbaal becomes king of not Judah, then, of course, they start killing each other.

  • “So uhh . . . how’re we gonna settle this?  We can’t have people fighting over this shitty desert for the next 5000 years.  What if we take 10 of my guys, and 10 of your guys, and they all stab each other at the same time, and we see what happens?”

  • “That makes NO sense . . . Make it 12 guys each, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

  1. And in chapter three we learn that David definitely didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner. I mean he really, really, really didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner; even though he was around when it happened and benefited greatly from it and could have done it, he definitely didn’t.

    1. And he didn’t know about it, or order it or anything.

  • Right, it wasn’t David.  It was his general, Joab.  And generals don’t just kill people on command.        

  1. Then we learn in chapter four that he also didn’t kill Ishbaal, either.

    1. Hell, he killed him even less than he killed Abner, who he also didn’t kill.

  2. So after the coincidental and definitely-not-premeditated by David murders of his two rivals to the throne, he becomes king of all Israel.

    1. And he fucks a lot.  He’s got wives, concubines, other dude’s wives…

  3. Then we get a whole chapter talking about the “Bring me the Ark!” parade, which apparently ends in a tent where David rocks out with his cock out, which pisses off his first wife,

    1. You’ll remember her from One Samuel where he traded her straight up for a bag of dicks.

  • If you’ve ever been to a Bar Mitvah, you’ll know that Jewish men and their white friends can’t dance without the aid of those twenty-something black people they hire as interactive dancer extras.  

  1. Chapter seven is one of those “Gee, god, you sure are the most awesome god of all gods and we’re all really impressed down here” kind of chapters.  Oh, and god promises that David’s line will rule Israel forever.

    1. Yeah, how’s that workin’ out?

  • David was part Palestinian, right?

  1. And then he kicks ass, kills people, subdues land and steals gold.

  • Apparently he won the loyalty of the Moabites, by only murdering two thirds of them? . . . “Who wants to try a really fun game? . . . Everyone look to your left, and now to your right.  I’m going to murder you, and one of those other two guys.  Or both of them, and you’re my slave.  Everybody understand how to play?  I’m pretty awesome, right? . . . Vote David for King in negative 984!!!”      

  1. Then David starts feeling guilty for definitely-not-killing Jonathan so he decides to take in his crippled grandson.

  2. Then the Ammonites piss him off by forcibly shaving his envoys so he kicks ass some more and kills a lot more people.

  • And since 2 Samuel is the model for all future latently homo-erotic fraternity pledge hazing, they shave half their beard, and make them wear assless pants.  Yet despite the biblical mandate, Mitt Romney was chastised when he did the same thing to a gay at his high school.      

  1. And then… Holy shit, just when you thought David could do no wrong, we meet Bethsheba.  David’s just minding his own business, beating off on his porch one day when he sees a hot chick bathing.

  • “I knew it would pay off to put a bucket of sudsy sponges and a dirty car, right there under the palace porch!  Give her dad these 50 shekels just in case, and bring her to me!”  

So he bones her and she comes back a couple of weeks later to tell him she’s pregnant.

    1. So what to do, right?  She’s married, so he can’t take her as his wife… unless, of course, she’s suddenly widowed.  So he sees to that.

  1. And apparently that was a bridge too far and God decides to enact some holy retribution on David.

    1. Or, more accurately, on David’s wives who he sentences to be publicly fucked by his neighbors and his son, who God then kills with a horrible illness.

    2. Yeah, that ought to show him…

  • And since God doesn’t exist, David blatantly chose to have her gang-raped.  Unless of course this book isn’t meant to be taken literally.  In which case, the gang-rape must be a metaphor for something good and holy.    

  1. And then Amnon teaches us all how to properly rape your sister.  

  • “I really want to fuck my sister, but she’s not as rednecky as I hoped.  Do we have a sister-fucking guy on staff?”  

  • “Well Jonadab didn’t specialize in that, but he’s pretty clever.”  

So Jonadab says, “Have you tried luring her to your house and raping her?”

  • “Yeah just tell her you want to eat freshly baked bread directly from her hand.  That way it’s not suspicious.”

  1. But apparently his brother Absalom wasn’t too happy about it so he ordered his servants to kill him and then he fled to Geshur.

  2. And I love how they broke the news to David.  Basically they say, “Hey, bro, Absalom killed all your sons” and when David starts losing it they say, “Just kidding!  He only killed Amnon.”

  • “What do you guys think that was all about?  The sister raping?  It’s been a couple years now.”

  1. And then we learn that if you’re ever serving a king who’s having trouble forgiving his son for murdering his son and thus endangering the lineage of your nation, all you need is a bag lady.

    1. Right.  So David half ass forgives Absalom, but that’s not enough so he sets Joab’s field on fire in a tantrum.

  2. And then in a surprise twist, it turns out that Absalom, the fratricidal arsonist, is actually a bad guy.

    1. Who would have guessed?  So he starts undermining dad and sets himself up as king.

  3. Then David tucks his tail between his legs and takes to the woods.  Along the way people throw rocks at him and shit for being a slut.

    1. And David sends Hushai the Archite to fuck up the counsel of Ahithophel; who then advises Absalom to bang his father’s concubines as publicly as possible.

    2. I knew that coming was coming.

  • I knew Caesar had it wrong . . . It’s “Vidi Vici Veni.”  I saw, I conquered, I came.  This is an important morality lesson, and I can see why they kept it in the book . . . How else does a guy know which whores to fuck during a “Jew d’etat”, following the rape of his sister by a half-brother?  And where does God want me to fuck them?  Publicly?  Privately?  

  1. And then we spend a long chapter with Absalom saying, “Do I send 12,000 men to kill my father, do I not send 12,000 men to kill my father”.

  2. But the problem is that he was listening to Ahithophel when he should have been listening to Akkbar because, as we learn in chapter 18, It’s a trap.

    1. David’s army surrounds Absalom’s army and once again we find David most-definitely not killing his enemy.

  • “Did you kill your son with spears and hang him from a tree?”

  • “No . . . No . . . What had happened . . . is . . . Well on the average day, Absalom walks around with about 100 shekels-worth – or 2 rapings-worth – of beautiful, nappy Jew-fro on his head.  As he often did, he was riding an ass, and his hair got caught, and then he got speared . . . by the guy I keep pardoning and re-appointing general after murdering my rivals without my permission.”   

  1. Do David’s bawling about his son dying until Joab comes in and tells him to man up.

    1. Then he heads back to Jerusalem and along the way all the people who laid bets with Absalom come back to see if there’s room for one more set of lips on the king’s ass.

  2. But they can’t even get all the way to Jerusalem without another coup attempt.

    1. Right.  The non-Judean Israelites get a bad case of middle-child-syndrome so they rally under Sheba and march off to start their own promised land.

    2. Yeah, and that works out fine until the people of Abel chopped off his head and tossed it over the city wall.

  • And in case you were wondering what happened to the 10 prostitutes David left in Jerusalem to be pillaged by Absalom’s army . . . They’re still there, but David absolutely did NOT fuck them again.  He was nice enough to put them up in a studio apartment for used whore-widows, and get them a reality show.  “Real Housewives of Jerusalem Polygamists”

  • And in case you were wondering who David appointed to his cabinet as Slave Master General, it was Adoniram.  

  1. Yeah, they get damn specific.  Then we get a famine and David’s like, “Hey god, what’s with the starving and shit?” and god replies, “Yeah, well, Saul did try to kill the Gibeonites so everyone has to starve until you impale seven of his descendants on a hillside.”

    1. So Jesus stole that trick from Saul’s grandkids?

    2. Yeah and because this book of the bible was directed by Michael Bay, it ends with an action beat and they go around killing giants.

  • Only Michael Bay could come up with the idea for the final fight, when David’s nephew rubs Polydactycil cream on his sword and kills the 12-fingered Amish Giant, despite the seemingly insurmountable 20% advantage in grip and simple arithmetic.

  1. And then David sings about how awesome god is for a chapter…

    1. Oh… I thought he was singing about crack there.

  2. And then we meet the Hebrew special ops guys.  This whole chapter is just a list of Jewish ass kickers that reads like Noah’s thanking the donors at the end of the show..

    1. Oh, I’m totally using that this week.

  3. And then David takes a census and apparently god gets as pissed off about those as tea-party libertarians so he plagues the nation for three days and kills 70,000 people.

  • God says: “I’ll give you 3 choices . . . Would you rather 70,000 Jews get killed by plague over the course of 3 days, OR be forced to wear mittens for 3 months straight, OR you almost sneeze and lose it once a day for 3 years?”  David had just done a census, and 70,000 was pretty minor, so plague it was.

  1. Yeah… not exactly a climactic ending.

Books of the bible are like masturbation, not sex.  It’s climactic enough if it’s over.  So that does it for 2 Samuel.  The Holy Babble will be back in episode 43 with 1 Kings.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.

Libel Babble Blible Blabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!!!

Outro

In honor of my friend Luke, on whose birthday we’re recording this episode and who was a huge part of the inspiration that eventually became this show, I’ll be rendering the outro tonight, by request, in third person biblical.

And behold, Noah did earn favor in the eyes of the people, and the Spaghetti Monster was with him and so he went to the people and gathered them together and spoke onto them, but then he reached the end of the show.

And the people lamented for there was no more blasphemy but then they learned that there was more blasphemy and they rejoiced.  For Noah had spoken before to Jake of the house of Farr and the house of Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show and all the words that he spake could be found by the people on episode one hundred and fifty and nine of that show.

And they learned, too, that Noah had also appeared for a few brief seconds on “The Herd Mentality” with Adam Reakes, son of Brian, son of Sydney, son of William and that he could be heard there, too, on episode twenty nine of that fine program of the Australites.

And the people did call out for Heath the Heathen and they did heap adoration upon him as well they should.  And they did call out for Lucinda, the concubine of Noah whom they loved and they did heap adoration upon her as well.  And they did call out for the anonymous doctor Steve, regular contributor to the Skepticule podcast and Vegas favorite for the best Farnsworth quote of all time.  And they should probably heap adoration on him as well and if they were so inclined they would find a convenient link on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist dot com(eth).

http://www.skepticule.co.uk/

And Noah called out to the people and said to them “Follow me!  On Facebook and Twitter and YouTube and stuff!”  And the people did follow him.

And then he called from all the people six of them that were the best of all, and he said, “Deb, who is a friend to all the woodland animals, come forward”, and Deb came forward.  And he said, “Lindsay, who defeated 10,000 Philistines at once with an ink pen and chapstick, come forward; Willie, upon whose house birds fear to shit for he is so great; Jeffrey, who is long of shaft and brass of ball; Morten, whose wisdom is greater still than ten men… ten women and three hermaphrodites; and Lee, whose enemies flee before his name, which is rough for them because Lee is a very common syllable; All of you come forth.”

And Deb and Lindsay and Willie and Jeffrey and Morten and Lee did come forth and Noah spoke unto them, saying “All who hear my words are great; but you are greater still, for you have sacrificed your hard earned sheckel upon the altar of our Paypal account thus earning great favor such that your names will be forever remembered and the Spaghetti Monster will look favorably on your houses for many generations.”

And then Noah thought the biblical thing was played out so he just said, “If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

  1. November 22, 2013 at 5:26 AM

    Reblogged this on hitchens67 Atheism WOW!! Campaign and commented:
    Love this podcast!!

  2. bob
    November 22, 2013 at 10:46 AM

    I was worried, but looking at the transcript, I guess my audio download must have cut off the ending this week, cause I didn’t hear any donations on my copy and thought everybody stiffed you guys! Another great show though! Thanks again

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