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Episode 43 – Partial Transcript

December 12, 2013 Leave a comment

Oh, were you stopping by for the Stitcher Award Nomination Link?  CLICK HERE… (and thanks)

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda&Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains adult language including two shits, a fuck, a piss, another fuck, dick, jizz, another fuck, motherfucker, bitch, two more shits, cunt, cock, fucktard, fuck-nozzle, several assholes, more fucks…

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of pre-apocalyptic rapture supply outlets; Genesis 7-11.  Because now that they’re letting the queers get married, you know god’s judgment can’t be far off.  Mention this ad and get a free set of swimmies with any purchase over twenty dollars.

Genesis 7-11: Thank you Jesus, come again.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s December 12th

And my ass is less of a J-Lo, and more of a Cee Lo

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from coniferous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • We’ll learn that it’s hard to roll R’s with a dick in your mouth.

  • We’ll find out that everyone has an equal right to discriminate against gays.

  • And the perfect, plump roundness of Rush Limbaugh’s face is related to pi.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

If Tennessee is the buckle of the bible belt, South Georgia is the taint.  Which works out well because clearly the Florida panhandle is the scrotum.  So unless you consider the Mississippi delta to be the asshole, in which case coastal Alabama is the taint, South Georgia is the de facto Bible taint.

And boy what a taint it is.  I should know.  I spent a big chunk of my childhood there.  I spent six formative years of my life living in a place where the two accepted religious affiliations were Baptist and Devil-Worshipper.  Where you had to drive to a theater two towns away to see blasphemous films like, I shit you not, Wayne’s World.  Where church groups organized dozens of people to protest a comic book shop because they were promoting, I continue to shit you not, Dungeons and Dragons.

My first job was washing dishes at a local pizzeria where I was dismissed as “the guy who thinks we came from monkeys”.  The principle at my high school led the students in prayer during the morning announcements and before each football game.  My 10th grade English teacher once spent an entire hour telling us about the dangers of Satanism and my 9th grade science teacher once told the class that gays were an abomination against god and should be dragged into the street and shot.

Religion was everywhere.  It was in the school, it was at the mall, it was protesting in front of the movie theater, it was showing up uninvited at my house, it was scolding me from every church sign, it was staring at me from the bumper of every pickup, it was blessing me from every cash register, it was blockading my girlfriend’s vagina.  It was inescapable, in charge and insane.

And the stories they believed weren’t just crazy, they were fucking silly.  I couldn’t comprehend how anyone took them seriously.  I remember walking past church services and wondering if it was all an elaborate hoax that everyone was in on but me.  It felt like I was the only sane person on the planet.

I wanted to grab people as they came out of church and say, “can’t we at least agree that this is exactly what religion would look like if it was just made up out of whole cloth to oppress people?  Can’t we at least agree that if a ten year old was lying about his invisible pet alien he would use the exact same debate tactics that you guys use?  Can’t we at least agree that taking this book about dragons and talking donkeys and resurrected Jews seriously without asking for a shred of tangible evidence is functionally indistinguishable from clinical nincompoopery?”

I couldn’t understand it.  Many of these people were reasonable and far more intelligent than me when we weren’t talking about resurrected Jewish messiahs, but as soon as that subject came up an otherwise rational human being would start spouting proofs that they’d never accept in any non-religious circumstance.  All of a sudden basic moral precepts like “burning people for eternity is wrong” and “babies aren’t evil sinners” fly out the fucking window.

And for years I just wrote those folks off as stupid.  And it’s damned tempting.  It’s damn tempting to laugh off the Chicken Little campaigns against Harry Potter books and World of Warcraft and say that they’re the products of misguided, uniformed, paranoid minds.  But if you leave it there, you’re underestimating them and you’re underestimating the consequences of growing up in a town that was willing to rise up as one to keep the scourge of Wayne’s World from the local youth.

Religion can only survive on ignorance.  Information is the achilles heel of faith and unless they control everything a person watches or plays or reads or learns, nobody’s ever gonna buy into their bullshit.  They won’t be able to shut the critical parts of their brain down in those critical moments.  They have to fight against everything because it takes a lot of work to make people continue to believe in demonic snakes and octa-centurion ark builders.

But there was no internet back then.  There was no way to fact-check them when they controlled the bookstores and the library and the schools.  A kid could feel like he or she was the only person in the world with a fully functional brain.  There was no internet and there were no forums or wikis or podcasts or blogs.

And maybe when you strip away all the post-hoc justifications, that’s the real reason I do this show.  Just to know that when religion dies, I’ll have been a small contributor to the murder weapon.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow brain in a jar Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to dismiss hard solipsism due to it’s lack of functional consequence?

Dismiss what?

Well there you go then.

In our lead story tonight, Al Azhar – a prestigious Islamic university in Cairo – released a study last month examining the fatwas issued by Islamic theocrats in Egypt during the one-year reign of Mohamed Morsi that ended in July of this year.  And if you’re anything like me, and you worry about your 10-year-old wife’s tiny vagina being torn to shreds by something other than your adult male penis, the rules all make perfect sense.

So we’re just shredding 10 year old vaginas right up front, huh?  Just gonna show up for the blind date with dick in hand.  No, that’s fine…

For example, common sense stuff like: “Avoid creating a comfortable rape environment by turning off the air conditioner when you expect your heat-sensitive rapist neighbor might stop by.”    

And as much as I wish you made that up, no, that’s a real fatwa.  Better your wife spend her days in an un-air-conditioned house in a country with an average high temperature over 90 degrees.

There was another decree that prohibited women from handling bananas, cucumbers, and other phallic flora … that they might shove inside themselves in rabid seizures of uncontrollable female desire.  Lesbians were also banned from buying almonds, curtains, and modern art … and from existing in the country.

There was also a fatwa against having sex naked, though, so you never have to know exactly which gender you’re fucking.

My favorite fatwa was issued in response to a clever group of Muslim adulteresses, who were cheating on their husbands with salt water.  Turns out the word for “ocean” is a masculine noun, and if the wrong arbitrary linguistic gender assignment touches your wife’s vagina, it’s adultery.  But for some reason, it’s perfectly normal for men to swim in a sea of dicks.  

Just don’t swallow.  It’s salty as fuck.

The Muslim Brotherhood showcased a surprisingly good string of puns when they released the following headline in conjunction with the Adultery Swim Fatwa . . . (quote) “Buoys on the Tide: Sticky situation in the Perversion Gulf as married women swim in gland shark infested waters seeking salt water staffy and motion in the brocean.” (end quote)

I’m adding the Adultery Swim channel’s existence to Jet Pack and the Darth Vader butt plug in case Santa is listening.

But here’s the problem . . . The Arabic word for “nothing” is also masculine, which means she’s gotta put something in there, but only about half the things are eligible, so it gets tricky.  Book, but not page.  Finger, but not knuckle.  Shaft, but not tip.  And again, no veggies, so what’s a girl to do?!?

Fatwa: Women who swim in the ocean are committing adultery: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/12/1/-fatwa-women-who-swim-in-the-sea-commit-adultery-should-be-punished <<also>> http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/fatwa-al-azhar-university-cairo-women-swimming-in-sea-adultresses/1/326883.html

And in “Satan debatin’” news tonight; devil’s advocate, posthumous lesbianator and head of the New York based Satanic Temple Lucien Greaves has made it back into the news this week by filing a request to place a Satanic monument on the steps of the Oklahoma Statehouse… right next to the one with the ten commandments on it.  Greaves argues that if that space is reserved for religious displays, his religion has as much right to it as any other and unfortunately for Oklahoma theocrats, the stupid laws they recently enacted accidentally agree with him.

This is the great playground moment.  That asshole kid makes up a shitty new rule about the endzone boundary, and the very next play he’s past the hydrant, so it’s out of bounds.    

When asked about the possibility of a Satanic monument, representative Bobby Cleveland dismissed the idea and the Satanists behind it as falling under (quote) “the nut category”.  And not because believing in a giant red monster with a pitchfork that tempts humanity and runs the HR department in Hades is nutty.

So the notion that Lex Luthor exists is ridiculous … but Superman’s obviously real!!!

The Temple says they’re considering a number of designs none of which, unfortunately, involve Jesus and sodomy.  And I’d put 30 seconds on the clock here for Jesus Butt-Rape porn titles, but something tells me we’re gonna need that 30 seconds later.

But if anybody wants to chime in with a few, it’s been way too long since (hashtag) Butt Raping Jesus was trending on Twitter . . . I’ll get things rolling . . . Ass-Holy Communion: Receiving the Body of Christ . . .

Satanist seek to put up monument in Oklahoma courthouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/08/satanists-seek-spot-next-to-ten-commandments-monument-on-steps-oklahoma/

And from the “Popes Parting Velvet Ropes” file, Catholicism’s Rico Chart-Topper told Italian churchgoers that he gained valuable experience as a bouncer at a nightclub in Argentina, where it was also very important to correctly identify the age of a minor, no matter what kind of tip they offered.  His only regret was jumping right into the priesthood, before he got more experience working the rear entrance.

I wonder how the Union of Argentinian Bouncers is taking this news.  On the one hand they might be thinking of using it in their advertising; you know, bounce today, pontificate tomorrow; but on the other hand it’s gotta knock your badass image down three or four spots when people know your job could be done by the elderly hybridization of Woody Allen and Droopy Dog.

To bolster his reputation as the “people’s” supreme pontiff, Pope Frangioplasty made sure to mention that before he was even known as Reverend Whore-Gay Beer Goggles, he was just a normal blue-collar guy, checking fugitive Nazi ID’s, sweeping floors, and figuring out how to become humanity’s conduit to the implied omnipotent watch-maker of the universe.    

Pope admits he used to work as a bouncer: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/03/pope-i-was-once-a-bar-bouncer/

And in the “Who Would Jesus Shitcan?” file tonight, we have the story of Michael Griffin, a former teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, who was a current teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania until administrators recently found evidence that he was trying to marry a dude.

It’s weird that they find the ‘attempt to marry’ more offensive than the pre-marital butt sex.

And because US law somehow protects the rights of Catholic institutions to write in “no sucking off dudes” clauses into employment contracts, this bullshit is legal.  When asked how being gay-married could possibly affect the performance of Spanish and French teacher, an imaginary representative of the school explained that (quote) “being a homosexual probably helps you with French but he has to teach Spanish, too.”

Gay Catholic School teacher fired for applying for marriage lisence: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/dec/08/us-catholic-school-fires-gay-teacher-marriage

And in “Rush versus The Holy Triumverate” news, Rush Limbaugh is furious at Pope Franno Domini for endangering the Republican Party’s delicate Christianity hijack mission, by reminding Catholics that Jesus – as well as Kindergarten – both teach that “sharing is nice”.  Limbaugh believes the Pope is just bitter over losing to him in a “Jowl Roundness Contest”.

I’m dying to know how that thing was judged: I’m picturing them both holding one of those little Japanese drums from Karate Kid Two under their chins, flopping their heads back and forth.  Next up, in the acorn hoarding round…

The Octo-Chinned Conservative Casey Kasem – who labeled the Pope’s sharing remarks as (quote) “pure Marxism” – became an expert economist while failing to graduate from Southeast Missouri State.  In fairness, for all we know he could have breezed through at his safety school, which was West Northwest Southeast Missouri A&M.

Go Paddlefish!

Limbaugh released a segment called, “It’s Sad How Wrong Pope Francis Is [parentheses] (Unless It’s a Deliberate Mistranslation By Leftists)” . . . So built into his title – in parentheses! … as if almost tacitly understood! – is the claim that liberal spies have likely infiltrated the English translation department at the Vatican, for the purposes of sneaking references to “Das Kapital” into the Pope’s translated speeches, thus undermining American capitalism.

He’s not the best in the business for nothin’.  Glenn Beck would have needed 10 minutes and a chalkboard to connect all that shit and Rush does it 14 words and some brackets.

In honor of shitty Christian commentators, as well as yellow and brown journalists everywhere, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Christian Assholes as Shit Porn Stars – GO!!!

And I’m adding the 30 seconds I didn’t use earlier because that’s fucking awesome.  So now go.

I’ll start it out with a topical Flush Limbaugh … just as a courtesy.

Bowel O’Steen?  Wait… that sounded better before I said it… um… Joel O’Stain?

Maybe Bowl Osteen? . . . No- Bowel Sharpton.

Or Bowely Graham, maybe?

Speaking of stretching the bowels: Bran Coulter?

Brick Perry

Dick Santorum’s too easy . . . Wolf Shitzer?

Cardinal Timothy Colon

Deuce Almighty

Fanny Crosby?  That’s only funny if you’re a fan of late 17th century hymns, I guess.  How about Pope Fran-Cesspool?

L Ron Buggered

No fair using Scientologists.  My first thought was Shit Romney, but I didn’t use him, because Mormonism is a cult.

Anal Roberts

T.P. Jakes!

Scat Robertson

Rush v. the Holy Triumverate: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/02/rush-limbaugh-vs-the-pope/

Well, I hate to pinch off the poop puns early, but we’re outta time.  Heath, thanks for hanging out.

And when we return, Lucinda will join us to ruin her chances at a future political career.

One Kings in Rhyme

 

I suppose that if I was a deity, who fashioned the earth and the seas,

Then covered all up in creatures and made some subordinate mes,

And I had a message I wanted to send them, something that I thought was vital,

I’d probably write them a list of instructions, or at least divinely inspire a bible.

 

It would be hard to decide what to tell them, though, since the book could be only so long,

I’d want them to know there was purpose, and to know the right path from the wrong.

And I’d stress over what I’d include there, and I’d stress over what to omit,

After all there’s a lot more to say than the space of one single book would permit.

 

See, I’d want to impart on them knowledge, and show them the value of peace,

And I’d probably want to include something in it, about the nature of germs and disease.

Should I remind them not to rape women?  Or not to make people work without pay?

Should I tell them they can’t beat their children?  Or beat off more than four times a day?

 

Should I explain that the sun’s in the center?  Or the value of washing with soap?

Should I explain in unmistakable terms that there’s always a reason to hope?

Well, according to god the most wise course of action, is to leave out all of those things,

And make sure there’s plenty of space that’s left over, for a long list of Israel’s kings.

 

But I guess that’s why I don’t write bibles, and am just some anonymous tit,

And he’s the all-knowing creator of all, and the alpha, omega and shit.

If you read my book you’d know to be thoughtful, and to let people love who they choose,

But I’d fuck up and leave out important details, like who led the sixth century BCE jews.

 

I’d have skipped all the stuff about Solomon, and the temple he built for the Lord,

And instead I’ve had told them how telescopes work and what wonders they might point them toward.

I’d have droned on and on about hygiene, wasted time on nutritional facts,

And forgotten to mention who was leading the Jews when the Philistine army attacks.

 

I’d have pissed away pages on problems they would face as their populace grows,

And I’d have probably put is some stuff I can’t fathom that only a deity knows.

I’d have wasted a couple of chapters on the equality of genders and races,

And I’d have forgotten to smite them and punish their children for pillar and poles in high places.

 

I suppose that if I were to write it, you’d have questions at the end of the tome.

Like, “How long did it take for the third king of Israel to finish building his solid gold home?”

So I’ll submit that as I’m just a mortal, I can’t fathom a deity’s ways,

But from my perspective it’s fair to conclude that he sure writes in mysterious phrase.

Babble (One Kings)

One Kings; because god knows that you can never get enough mythologized Jewish history.  This book babbles endlessly about a series of Israel’s kings as though it’s daring you to keep reading.

And I think the singular is pronounced “king”.

So joining Heath and me to celebrate being one sixth of the way through this book is my beautiful wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back.

Always happy to be here.

The books are pretty linear at this point, so no need to set anything up; this basically starts right where Two Samuel ends.

  1. Now King David is old and sick and we have to decide who gets to be the next king.

    1. But before we get to all that, we have to tell you about the king’s new hooker, who he wasn’t fucking.

    2. No, she was just keeping him warm.

    3. “She wasn’t jerking me off!  She was trying to start a fire with my cock.”

    4. Yeah, King David was cold so his doctor prescribed a new virgin.  And also Solomon became king and his bro Adonijah was more than a little pissed about it.”

  • The talent pool in the desert must have been running dry, considering the most attractive woman in the land is named “Abishag the Shunammite” . . . Sounds more like an orc general from Lord of the Rings.   

  1. Then we get this touching bit where David takes Solomon aside and offers his final words.  And it’s basically a list of people he wants Solomon to kill.

    1. Including Shimei, the dude that David promised not to kill in the previous chapter.  He says, “All I said was I wouldn’t kill him.  I never said anything about you, or other hired assassins.  That wasn’t in the contract.”

    2. And then Adonijah says, “Hey bro, since you got the whole kingdom and everything, you think I could have dad’s new hooker?”  Solomon says “no” and then kills him for asking.

  2. And then Solomon proves he’s wise by threatening to cut a baby in half.

    1. This is actually a pretty fucked up story.  Two women are accusing each other of killing their baby and swapping him out for a living one, which is fucked up enough before David starts threatening to split the baby down the middle.

    2. So naturally the real mom says, “No, don’t chop the baby in half you fucking psycho!” but the other lady says, “Yeah, that makes sense.  I’ll take half a baby.  It’s enough for a stew.”

  • And this is Solomon’s tagline moment . . . His “Yippie Ki-Yay Mother Truckers!”  His defining biblical event is an episode of Judge Judah, when he settles a maternity dispute between a murderous whore and a regular whore.  Also, since when are single mother whores trying to keep their babies?!?  I guess the name Johnson had to start somewhere.

  1. And then chapter 4 is basically a list of Solomon’s cabinet, a list of what he eats and a list of people he was smarter than.

  • They make very sure to mention that he spake 3000 proverbs, and wrote one thousand … five … songs … Which is clearly bullshit.  Those are the most obviously “made-up numbers” I’ve ever heard.  There’s no way he hits EXACTLY 3000 proverbs and EXACTLY 1000 songs, but can’t resist writing 5 extra jingles.         

  1. And then Solomon gets the wheels turning on his new temple.  And let me tell ya it’s gonna be one bitchin’ ass temple.

  2. And in case you were wondering, say, how many cubits wide the nave was or how many sides the door posts have, it’s all spelled out in chapter six.

    1. Yeah, and god has the same interior design sense as Jay-Z apparently.

  • HaShemTV Cribs . . . Sons of Joshua Cribs

  1. And then we get all the important details about Solomon’s palace, including the latticework, the dishes, candle snuffers and spittoons.  Really important shit going on here.

  • “I know I’m just a slave laborer helping you build a palace, but do you guys think it’s the best idea to put all the gold, and the god box, all in one place?!?  I think we’re overdoing it a little.  I’m literally carrying a single basket of golden eggs.”  

  1. And then he has a house party…

  2. And for all his help building the temple and shit, Solomon gives Hiram 20 cities, but apparently they were his 20 crappiest cities.

  3. This book of the bible is like a first date with a rich douche.  Every few sentences we’re hearing about Solomon’s throne or his golden vessels or his fleets or his platinum butt plug.

  • I think we call this a … ‘teachable moment’ … Jews should only put the rarest of metals in their palace, and in their ass.  “But hold on – Stop making golden calves.  You guys always go straight to that!”       

  1. And in chapter 10 I’m pretty sure it brags about him fucking the Queen of Sheba, too.

  • I believe it said he gave her everything she desired, and a taste of the royal bounty on top.  So I’m pretty sure they fucked, and it sounds like they even got a milk and honey shot in there.          

  1. And in case you were wondering what kind of mileage he’s getting with that dick of his, Chapter 11 actually starts with the words, “Solomon loved many foreign women” and went on to describe his harem of more than a thousand wives..

  • This guy spread more STDs to minorities than the Tuskeegee Experiments.

    1. And if I’ve learned anything from this book, when vaginas show up, trouble can’t be far behind.  So, of course, his wives talk him into turning against god and offering burnt offerings to other gods so real god concoct this convoluted, multi-generational revenge plot.

  1. So Solomon dies and his son Rehoboam takes over.  The people come to their new king saying, “Hey, it would be awesome if you stopped whipping us.”  And Rehoboam endeared himself to the people by saying, “You don’t like the whips?  No more whips.  We’ll use scorpions instead.”

    1. And then the kingdom was divided because god likes to go over his shoulder to scratch his ass.

  • And they open 2 Mooby Burgers.  

  1. So you’ve got Jeroboam who god gives a chunk of the kingdom to and he’s an asshole, too.  He starts making non-Levite priests so god sends a prophet to tell Jeroboam that the shit’s about to hit the fan.

    1. And then god kills the prophet with a fucking lion for eating food and drinking water.

  • Falls for the oldest trick in the book.  Some guy walks up to him: “Are you a prophet from God?  Get the fuck out of here – me too!!!  Let’s go eat.  Oh you have a note from God that says don’t eat.  This is so crazy.  I have a note.  Also from God.  Says that you should disregard your note and go eat with me, after which you will definitely NOT be mauled by a tiger.”  

  1. So basically you’ve got Jeroboam running Israel into the ground and at the same time you’ve got Rehoboam fucking things up in Judah.

    1. Yeah, apparently they were making high places, pillars and sacred poles.  And if that’s not bad enough (and it is), their temple prostitutes were the wrong gender.

    2. Bunch of savages in this town.

  • Man-whores just aren’t cost effective . . . from an orifice perspective.  Less bang for your buck . . . despite more “schmekel per shekel”.  

  1. And is it just me or is this book pissed off at you for reading it?  It keeps saying stuff like “And are not the acts of Abijam, are they not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?”

  • Are you telling me the Gideons expect me to just guess what else happened to Abijam?!?  I’m sitting here in my hotel room like an idiot … trying to get the whole story on this Judaism stuff.    

    1. And during this unending war between Israel and Judah the Israelis get some practice walling off territories and that’ll come in handy later.

  1. And then we just start churning through one king after the other.  King so and so reigned for so many years and did evil by the lord greater than all the kings before him and then he died, ad infinitum

  2. And then we finally meet Elijah, who god is pawning around during a drought.  And he’s pretty badass.  He has birds that feed him and magic jars of food and he even brings kids back from the dead by rubbing his genitals against them.

  • Right … three dick rubs resurrects a dead baby.  They don’t mention this, but if you do it right, that will also get you to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.  I learned that the hard way.  

  1. So Elijah shows up all Charles Bronsony and decides to prove that god is god by challenging the prophets of Baal to a divine Ox-burning contest, in which he kicks ass.

    1. And then to emphasize how total his victory is, he kills all the prophets of Baal.

  2. Then Elijah flees like a pansy and god commands him to anoint a few new kings.

    1. And in a lost “who’s on first base” opportunity, Elijah meets Elisha

  3. Then there’s some boring war shit and one king attacks another king… fuck, I don’t even know anymore.  All I know is somebody didn’t kill the person god told him to kill so god gets all pissy.

    1. And we learn this from a bizarre story involving a masochistic prophet and a divine lion attack.

  4. Then Ahab wants Naboth’s vineyard, but he won’t sell it.  So Ahab’s wife arranges to have him stoned to death.

    1. God hears about this and gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell Ahab he’s fucked and dogs are gonna eat his wife.  

    2. But Ahab fasts and wears a sack around so god says, “shucks, I guess I don’t have to kill you and have dogs eat your wife.  I suppose we can save that punishment for your kids.”

  5. And then it ends with this long, pointless story about Jehoshaphat and the King of Israel want to go to war with Ramoth-Gilead and all but one of the prophets say they’ll win, but one prophet says the other prophets are full of shit… and they were.

    1. And the king gets killed in battle and, just as god had decreed, dogs lapped up his blood and, and in an understated twist, prostitutes bathed in it.

  • Yeah I’m confused by all the whore talk.  Why would there be prostitutes … when they had slaves?  Slave is the world’s oldest profession.  That’s like buying CDs on Napster.        

So I suppose the real mystery of One Kings is how the fuck they managed to finance the sequel.  We’ll find that out in three weeks and in the meantime, we’ll be washing our brains out with soap.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks for sticking with it.

Outro

Before we ring the final bell tonight, I wanted to make a quick correction.  We covered a story last week about public prayer booths in Kansas City and it was almost completely bullshit.  Sorry about that.  Another fail in our story-vetting process.  We’ll try to tighten that up and in the meantime I want to thank all the astute listeners who clued us in on that.

I also wanted to let everyone know that the nomination phase has started for the 2nd annual Stitcher Awards.  Heath, Lucinda and I really, really, really want to win one and we need your help.  You can nominate us up to once per day in as many categories as you think are appropriate.  So if you have a few minutes and you’re feeling generous this holiday season, please head over to Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com and nominate the shit out of us.  Daily.  I’m not too proud to beg.  You’ll also find links to the nomination page on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page because, like I said, I’m not too proud to beg.

http://stitcher.promotw.com/

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with a visit from the Friendly Atheist himself, Hemant Mehta so get excited about that.  But if you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out episode 33 of The Herd Mentality Podcast with Adam Reakes, where you can hear my impression of Joel O’Steen orgasming to death on an 8 horsepower, turbocharged, solid gold butt plug.

http://herdmentalitypodcast.com/

I need to thank Heath for keeping it real, Lucinda for putting up with the two of us, I want to thank everyone who did some Holiday shopping on our Cafe Press site and, of course, a huge thanks to Evan Bernstein from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s one fifth of my all-time favorite podcast, really cool of him to do it and of course, you’ll find a link to his show on this week’s shownotes, right next to the link to nominate us for a Stitcher Award.

http://www.theskepticsguide.org/

But most of all I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans, Wayne, Debbie and Vinnie; Wayne, whose ejaculations have seismological designations; and Debbie and Vinnie, whose altruism and advice deserves less of a one liner and more of a very genuine thanks on behalf of both my wife and myself for reminding us that generally speaking, humans are awesome.

And since I already hit you up for a Stitcher nomination half a dozen times, I’m not gonna bother reminding you that if you’d like to support the show financially you’ll find the donation button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 41: Partial Transcript

November 28, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, but if you can handle the blasphemy and the profanity, you’re in for a Jesus-raping good time.

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Catholicism in a can, Vaticampbell’s Soup; the perfect post traumatic meal for altar boys.  High in vitamins, protein and spermicides, it’s the perfect treat for being good and not telling mommy what happened.

Vaticampbell’s Soup: Get some from your priest in the can.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’sThanksgiving,

And 392 years ago, not today, the Christians tricked the Native Americans with a big meal right before the genocide.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright

And from helium depleting New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • A Methodist reverend is flagged for allowing head to head contact on a defenseless tight end receiver.

  • We’ll explore the nuances of Texas dildo regulations,

  • And Israel levies a foreskin tax of 51,100 dollars a year.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Ah, Thanksgiving, the Americanist of all holidays.  It’s gluttonous, wasteful, self-indulgent and better than the Canadian version.  We celebrate by taking in an inexcusable number of calories and then watching other people burning calories off on television… violently.  We throw away more food per capita than some populations eat on the average day, we gloss over our genocidal national origin with a bunch of feel-good pseudo-history and we mark the start of a four week blitzkrieg of rampant consumerism and that’s all pretty damned American; but the most American thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s secular.

There’s no awkward bullshit religious ceremonies your in-laws are trying to talk you into attending.  There’s no break in the middle of the Cowboy’s game where Linus takes center stage and tells us about the birth of Mithra.  There’s no team of evangelicals plaguing the media for weeks beforehand telling us that Jesus is the justification for the mastication.  We just get together and eat innocent turkeys.  And innocent gravy.  We come together with our friends and family regardless of which invisible superhero clears out parking spaces for them.  And but for a perfunctory saying of grace and grandma rathering you not refer to them as “deviled” eggs, religion doesn’t enter into it at all.  And damn it, I don’t care what they say on Fox News, that’s as American as it gets.

Most of the secular holidays we celebrate in this country are tainted by a bunch of rah-rah patriotism and I’m not usually one for the “Don’t tread on me; screw the immigrants and the indigenous, America ‘fuck yeah’” flag waver, but when this country was founded it was almost certainly the most secular nation in the history of humanity and that’s a lineage I’m proud to claim.

Of course there are plenty of evangelicals out there desperately trying to literally rewrite the history books to whitewash the secularism out of our national character, but considering how plainly codified it is in the Constitution, they’ll have to rewrite a hell of a lot more than Texas textbook guidelines to get rid of it.  And make no mistake, there’s a huge contingent of politically motivated Christians hell-bent on doing exactly that.

And why wouldn’t they be?  Religion would be doing way better if it was legally mandated.  Hell, when you consider the categorical superiority of the secular alternative to everything religion does or ever did, it’s fair to say that a legal mandate is the only hope religion has to survive.  When I hear the Michele Bachmann crowd screaming “Jesus for Emperor in 2016” I don’t write it off as crazy.  I look at it as their last chance.

I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never met an atheist who thinks religion should be outlawed.  I’m sure there are a few of them bumbling around somewhere, but every atheist I’ve ever met and every respected voice in the atheist movement is just calling for a fair marketplace of ideas.  We’re just asking that religion be evaluated by the same means as everything else and be given no special privilege on the simple merit of being a religion.  It’s the kind of thing you can afford to espouse when you’re on the side with all the evidence.

In the time I’ve been doing this podcast a lot of people have asked me, “what’s the point?”  Now, in the past I’ve largely dismissed this question.  Life is like a JJ Abrams script; there’s doesn’t have to be a point and things don’t have to add up.  It’s enough that we’re having fun recording it and other people are having fun listening to it.

But whenever I see the specter of theocracy creeping into the national conversation, I rethink that.  I was on a panel the other day with CJ Werleman discussing his new book, “Crucifying America” where he makes the argument that unless atheists can match the political enthusiasm of the Christian right, the forces of theocracy are going to continue chipping away at our secular government and they won’t stop until we can out-zealot Iran.

So this year, when I’m gorging on seared bird flesh and watching the Lions discover a new and creative way to blow a fourth quarter lead, I’ll be thankful that I live in a secular nation.  And when the “itis” wears off, I’ll get back to work doing my part to keep it that way.

Because America, fuck yeah.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is religious marketing expert Heath Enwright.  Heath, any advertising advice for Christianity?

Might be time for a new logo.  Yeah I feel like the torture diorama could be a little more relatable …  Maybe a different murder victim, on a different shape.  Instead of Jesus on a cross, what about chalk-outline-guy on a circle?

Or at the very least they could give the Buddy-Christ a day in court.

Speaking of days in court . . . In our lead story tonight, a federal judge in Wisconsin found it ridiculous that she was needed to decide that people with income, have to pay income tax, even if they’re employed by a fictional character.  US District Judge Barbara Crabb struck down a 1954 law that allowed ministers a tax-exemption designed to compensate for their unique financial burden called “housing costs”.  

You know, it’s tempting to celebrate here, but the real victims here are the children.  Because, as I understand it, most priests can barely afford to lubricate their victims now.

Indeed, tear-free ass lube for kids is another unique financial burden for clergy.  So the lawsuit was filed by the Freedom From Religion Foundation against the Treasury Department and the IRS, for letting clergy steal an estimated 700 million dollars a year from public coffers, on this exemption alone.  And just to spite the Tea Party, Obama plans to divide these extra funds among communist lesbian single mothers to pay for their 20 imaginary children, and buy crack.

Oh c’mon, that’s ridiculous.  When you consider the Obama-mandated 93% abortion rate, that lesbian communist single mom would have to get pregnant 286 times to have that many kids.

And the crack’s gonna lead to a few miscarriages, so that number’s even higher.  And as much as it pains me to do this, let’s segue away from crack babies, over to a statement from Russell Moore, president of Baptists for Tax Evasion, who argued: (quote) [sic] “The clergy housing allowance isn’t a government establishment of religion, but just the reverse.  The allowance is neutral to all religions.” [end sic] (end quote) . . . Well as long as the Jews and A-Rabs are allowed to steal too . . . So the opposite of Christians stealing billions of dollars . . . is Christians, Jews, and Muslims stealing billions of dollars?!?

Wisconsin judge strikes down parsonage exemption: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/23/federal-judge-in-wisconsin-strikes-law-that-gives-clergy-tax-free-housing/ and http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/24/a-federal-judges-significant-decision-clergy-tax-free-housing-is-not-constitutional/

And in the disturbingly thin “Too Stupid for Texas” file tonight, the Texas Board of Education has rejected the most recent attempt to force intelligent design theory into school textbooks despite the pro-creationism side’s outdated and off-topic endorsement from Jesus.

And just to review the level of competition in this category, “too stupid for Texas”, means dumber than Ted Cruz, Vanilla Ice, George Dubya, and a law that makes it a felony to own six or more dildos.  

Is that actually true?

Yep.  Pocket pussies would be illegal, too.

So there’s a legal limit on dildos, no limit on live ammunition… brilliant.

Right, plus multi-headed dildos get you right around the rule.

Speaking of multi-headed dildos, the fate of this textbook could still go either way.  Nonetheless, religious zealots have all but conceded defeat upon learning that the biology textbook would be reviewed for errors by a panel of biologists.  Because the old “there’s no meth in the trunk” line only works if nobody looks in the trunk.

While they’ve got that panel of scientists together, maybe they could skim over those testament books.  Thought I remember a typo in Genesis 1, so that’s a good place to start

Facing the unprecedented humiliation of appearing not once or twice but thrice on last week’s headlines segment, the state of Texas seems intent on earning a positive mention on the show for a change.  But of course, this only counts as a positive mention because the Texas school board not doing the stupid, unconstitutional, evangelical thing has become newsworthy, so don’t go yee-hawin’ just yet.

Science wins, stupidity loses in Texas Board of Education throwdown: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/texas-board-of-education-holds-up-biology-book-over-evolution-debate/

And from the “British Muslims with sand in their knickers” file, complaints of Islamaphobic persecution have forced universities in the UK to approve gender segregation for debate audiences.  Apparently ultra-orthodox religious leaders can’t handle public speaking, unless the penises and vaginas are lined up separately when they picture the audience naked.

So random genital distribution is the kryptonite of ultra-orthodox religious leaders?  Good to know.

It’s about time the UK took a page from the sharia rule book, and finally found a way to rein in their problem with university debate audiences devolving into drunken orgies of sex and violence.  Deadly riots led by rabid debate hooligans were really getting out of hand . . . And at the root of the issue, were all the women mixed into the crowd.  

It’s England.  That probably really happens.  I bet somebody’s been crushed to death against a fence at an Intelligence Squared debate by now.

According to a report by vice-chancellors’ group ‘Universities UK’, as long as the seating chart meets the equality standards of an Alabama public school from 1950, it’s fair: (quote) “Both men and women are being treated equally, as they are both being segregated in the same way.”  I’ll repeat that . . . They are both being segregated . . . in the same way . . . by gender.  Apartheid was fine too, because blacks and whites were both being segregated by race.

Okay, this is all making perfect sense, of course, but where do the transexuals sit?

Great question.  That … was addressed in the FAQs.  Hermaphrodites will be allowed entry, but not double entry like normal.  Also, they will have to remove their penis or plug an orifice … which seems unfair because nobody else gets to choose their section.  And of course, as usual, eunuchs can’t come.

UK Universities allowed to segregate genders during debates: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/universityeducation/10468115/Universities-can-segregate-men-and-women-for-debates.html

And in hysterical numerical chimerical clerical news tonight, Methodist Reverend Frank Schaefer was suspended for 30 days for the crime of officiating at his son’s wedding, made heinous by the fact that his son was marrying a dude.

Methodist couples everywhere are already feeling a little gayer, and are up in arms about the so-called “Fairy God Father”.  

Schaefer was tried before a jury of clergy and found guilty of not sufficiently hating queers, for which he received a suspension that many feel is tantamount to a defrocking.  But considering the kind of macabre historical horrors the term “jury of clergy” conjures in my mind, it could be a hell of a lot worse, I suppose.

Yeah this is really just a slap on the limp wrist.  Worst case scenario, the Methodists build a bridge out of him.

During his trial, Schaefer continuously emphasized that he felt god calling him to minister openly for gay equality, but the jury dismissed this because apparently even clergy are skeptical of the whole “god” thing.

Pastor suspended 30 days for officiating at his son’s gay wedding: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/lively-testimony-in-penalty-phase-of-trial-for-pastor-who-officiated-at-gay-sons-wedding/2013/11/19/f5402942-5146-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1_story.html

And in “Riyadh Reach Around” news . . . Just when you thought Saudi Arabia was getting too sexually promiscuous, the federal team of middle school dance chaperones known as The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, has stepped in to cure the torso-contact epidemic that’s been plaguing the country.  When concerned citizens reported a local man giving away illegal exotic things called hoogs, or hugs, the buzz kill squad launched a massive investigation.

All part of the “Thugs not Hugs” campaign.  Considering the sentencing guidelines in Saudi Arabia this dude is lucky if they don’t amputate his torso.

In a true Rama-Donnie Brasco story (Callback – TSSSSST!!!), an extremely brave undercover agent was able to catch the perp on tape: “So we’re really doing this, Abdulrahman al-KhayyalI who lives at 127 Muslim Boulevard in Riyadh?  I give you zero dollars, and you give me an illegal exotic bodily embrace?  Ok he’s doing it!  Abra-Cadab- no Allah-Kazaam!!! Red team go!!!  Red team go!!!”

What a massive waste of public resources.  Sure, they’ll nail all the huggers, but while they’re focused on that you have blasphemers and rape-victims roaming free in the streets.

Couple of fun facts about the the Sharia Sheriffs – aka the SS.  First of all, they resent being compared to the Nazi secret police, although they do respect the anti-Jew sentiment underlying the tenets of German national socialism.  

At least it’s an ethos…

Second fun fact: These are the same guys who famously promoted virtue in 2002, by murdering 15 schoolgirls in a fire.  They righteously prevented them from leaving a burning building without anti-rape outerwear, which are required in public places like the outside of a burning building.  Crisis averted.

Saudi Man arrested for giving out free hugs: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/saudi-arabia-man-arrested-for-giving-out-free-hugs-8953720.html

And in baby dick litigation news, a rabbinical court has ordered an Israeli mother to pay a fine of one hundred and forty dollars a day until she surgically alters her infant’s penis like a good Jewish mother.

And in penis headline form: Plagued by foreskin envy, “Members of the Tribe” are calling for “just the tip of the Weisberg”.  Nobody raises penis veal in Israel without the Jewish Mafia getting a piece of the action.  

Fearing that allowing her to not adulterate her son’s naughty bits could set a dangerous precedent that would add fuel to the growing international controversy over the unsanitary perversity of grown men licking bloody baby cock, the court posed the following question in its ruling, “How will the world react if even [in Israel] the issue of circumcision is given to the discretion of any person, according to their own beliefs?”

Yeah Israel would be a laughing stock. What kind of theocracy can’t even enforce mandatory genital mutilation?!?  That’s just embarrassing.  Plus lots of guys would never get their dick sucked if it weren’t for the mohel.  And how else can you inoculate the infant population with herpes to prevent herpes?!?  

The court went on to label commonsense objections to circumcision in general and the part where some herpetic newborn-groupie goes all Miley Cyrus on 8 day old testicles in particular as anti-semitism that must be combatted.  So for those of you keeping score at home, objecting to sucking an infant’s dick is anti-semitic; objecting to sucking an adolescent’s dick is anti-Catholic.

Israeli rabbinical court orders mother to circumcise her son: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/26/jewish-court-tries-to-force-mother-to-circumcise-her-young-son-on-penalty-of-daily-fines/

And in “Jizzm Schism” news, conservative Christian groups are planning a ‘Day of Prayer’ on December 10th, to rid the world of pornography, and the resulting murder of babies during the controversial “negative first” trimester.  Their missionary position on the issue blames smut and hand abortions for brand new societal woes like rape and thunderstorms.      

I just want to know how much I have to chafe my chicken before I can summon a shark-nado.

Try harder . . . Not wanting to get “cock sock blocked” and/or “beaver damned”, personal orgasm rights advocates will stage a “passive day of nothing” that will coincide and compete with the Christian protest.  There’s no plan, so everyone will probably just stay home and jerk off like usual.  When porn continues to exist the next day, we’ll have proof that masturbation is at least as effective as prayer.  I think it might be–

I’m way ahead of you.  30 seconds already on the clock … Christian Euphemisms for Masturbation … GO!!!

Spreading a handful of Holy Seed

Snake-handling.

Dressing your salad with popercorn ranch

Straightening the crozier

Knowing Thyself Biblically

Shit, “beating the bishop” is already a euphemism isn’t it?  For being forced to whack off your bishop?

Dishonorable Discharge from the Salvation Army

Nailing your palm?

Thumping Below the Bible Belt

Christian group plans “Day of Prayer” against porn: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/conservative-groups-plan-prayer-vigil-against-pornography/

I guess it’s true what they say; masturbation jokes are more fun with a partner.  So that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

I’m sticking with “Messiah-nara, bitches!”

And when we come back Lucinda will join us to beg you for money.

 

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the monthly couple of minutes we normally set aside to highlight all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world.  But because of a combination of there not being much going on in December and me not wanting to highlight all the 2014 shit until next month, there won’t be any highlighting of conferences and events this month.

But because we still had two minutes to fill and I wanted to write a new music bed for this bit, I’ve decided to go a different direction.  Like most atheists that grew up in a predominantly Christian culture, I find myself celebrating all the traditional Christian holidays and this December I’m hoping to break that habit by trying on some new December holidays.  If you’d care to join me, here are a few non-Jesusy reasons to celebrate this holiday season:

12/1 World Aids day – for those who wish to celebrate AIDS.  Not sure that this one is for me, but it sounds like a holiday Heath could really get behind.

12/7, a date that will live in infamy, is International Civil Aviation day, which we celebrate by flying airplanes that almost never bomb Pearl Harbor.

12/10 Human Rights Day – Not sure what that’s all about, but I figured the humanists would love it because it has their name right in the title.

12/11 National Noodle Day – I only mention it because there aren’t enough Pastafarian holidays.

12/21 Winter Solstice – A pagan holiday celebrated by doing all the Christmas stuff without the Jesus dolls.  And if you’re with pagans there will also probably be some naked bonfire related activity.

12/25 Newtonmas – If you’re looking for a person born on this day over whom you can exchange gifts, decorate a tree and bake a ham, fuck Jesus.  How about Sir Issac Newton?  Seriously.  Golden rule, laws of motion; getting crucified like a pussy, developing calculus; saving a whore, building the world’s first operational reflecting telescope.  Jesus has nothing on that motherfucker.

Anyway, that wraps the calendar segment for this month, but we’ll do it again next month, only we’ll talk about atheist events and shit like we normally do.

Thanks:

In keeping with the Thanksgiving tradition, we thought we at the Scathing Atheist would take a minute to reflect on what we’re thankful for this year.  Things like family,

Friends…

The thematic smut suggestion website called Pandora’s Box…

Indecisive juries and the improper handling of DNA evidence…

Multiple orgasms…

Late-term abortions…That was a close one…

Sylvia Brown not being alive…

Rechargeable batteries…

Subtle references to dildos…

But above all things, we’re thankful for our listeners.  We’re thankful that people are willing to invest thirty minutes a week of their life listening to us make jokes about anally raping Jesus.

And we’re thankful for all the encouraging emails, facebook messages and iTunes reviews that people have taken the time to send.

And we’re thankful that the FCC hasn’t cock-blocked podcasting yet…

And we’re thankful that we’re able to find the cummulative 50 hours a week it takes to write, record and edit this show.

And we’re thankful that you have a spouse who’s so understanding and supportive

And makes awesome Thanksgiving desserts.

And of course, we’re thankful for all the people who support the show financially and keep our little operation afloat.

Because telling god to go fuck himself is more expensive than you think.

But luckily, for just one easy payment of however much you care to give us, you can help us bring you the very best dick puns and ass plays on words, in the business.

So a genuine thanks to everybody who gives us thirty minutes of their life.

And if you’d like to say “you’re welcome”, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

 

Song:

In chapter one God makes the universe and it takes seven days.

In chapter two he makes it again… in a contradictory way.

By chapter three he’s made Adam, here he makes Eve,

Then he kicks them out of Eden cause they’re covered in leaves?

In four God’s a dick to Cain, but not Abel,

So Cain strikes down his brother like the tower of Babel.

In chapter six we meet Noah; God says “Get ready for bruises,

You’re going on the worst boat ride there’ll be until Carnival Cruises.”

He gathers all the animals and builds a big boat,

And I guess no one else had anything on which they could float

Noah praises God for all the people he whacked,

But glancing at his cock’s an unforgivable act.

Then we spend an entire fucking chapter or two,

Learning ad nauseum who begat who.

By chapter twelve we meet Abraham and he uproots his life,

Takes his shit to Egypt and starts pimping his wife.

He fucks a slave, she has a kid and they exile that one,

But then at ninety-nine Sarah bares him a legitimate son.

In seventeen Abraham makes a crazy decision,

Regarding all his sons and slaves and adult circumcision.

In Twenty-Two he gets all screwy, and takes Isaac, his tyke,

Up a mountain and almost sacrifices him before the angels say, “Psyche!”

Abraham tells God there’s at least ten in Sodom with class,

So he sends a couple angels that they try to fuck in the ass.

And when you try to ass-rape angels, what comes is your fault,

Whether your town’s burned down by brimstone or you’re turned into salt.

Later Isaac meets Rebekah, they have Jake and Esau,

The big brother’s got the muscle but the brains of a cow.

Jacob tricks him from his birthright for a warm bowl of soup,

And his old near-sighted daddy’s just as easy to dupe.

Jacob takes two wives, fucks both of them and their maids.

I swear a chapter’s dedicated to Jake getting laid.

He has a dozen sons in all but he liked Joseph the best,

So his bro’s conspire against him and they steal his vest.

They sell him as a slave and tell daddy he’s dead.

He winds up a slave of Pharaoh for not performing in bed.

Here he goes all psychic, starts interpreting dreams.

It takes a couple years but at last he’s redeemed.

He stores up food for famine and he gets filthy rich;

His bros come needing munchies and he makes ‘em his bitch.

Then Joey shows back up, much to daddy’s surprise.

Jacob, now called Israel, eventually dies…

Chapter fifty’s so uplifting, all the tribes makes a truce;

And by now god’s promised the entire known world to the Jews.

 

Jews____ Back then, though, they were called the He-

Brews____ Those lucky fucks were the one god would

Choose____ Which is why nothing bad ever happens to

Jews.

Outro:

Before we wrap up the leftovers tonight I wanted to let everyone know that Heath and I were invited to take part in a panel on the InKredulous Podcast next month.  Not sure exactly when that’ll be available but as soon as it is I’ll let you know via Twitter, Facebook and the blog, all of which, of course, you follow and or subscribe to and or like.

And with cyber Monday rapidly approaching, I wanted to also remind everyone to check out our CafePress site for all your godless holiday shopping needs.  You’ll find a link to it on our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, but you’re clever enough to Google it even without the link.

And at the risk of beating this whole “giving of thanks” thing to death, I need to thank Heath for being a clever, funny, godless bastard; I need to thank Lucinda for taking a break from cooking vast quantities of food to help us out tonight; I also need to thank Lucinda for cooking vast quantities of food and, as you may have noticed, we’re still always looking for more Farnsworth quotes, so if you have a blog or a podcast to promote or you just want to hear your voice at the beginning of the show, email me a clip; you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most vivacious vertebrates; Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul.  Meredith, who’s such an incomparable badass they had to put the word “death” in her first name; April, whose face I’m totally carving into Mount Rushmore first chance I get; Rob, who, no offense to Peter Capaldi, would have made a way better 12th doctor; Bart, slayer of six fingered giants; Richard, whose ceaseless generosity has damn near earned his own theme song; Jeffrey, whose melodious voice is sweet enough to cause adult-onset diabetes; Benjamin, whose intergalactic reputation with a katana keeps the alien invasion forces at bay; Ross, whose ejactulate is legal tender in many island nations; Chris, whose gravitas causes quarks to chill the fuck out and act normal in his presence and Paul, who, through sheer tenacity, has earned the right to divide by zero.

These ten valorous paragons of profundity have earned eternally archived praise and first dibs on the left over green bean casserole and stuffing this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the civility, agility, virility and mental ability required to give us money, but if you think you share Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul’s laudable percipience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to earn our perennial appreciation for free, you could always leave us a five star review on iTunes.  And if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher, download the free and very awesome app and check us out there as well.  Really helps our ranking and helps more people find the show.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 40: Partial Transcript

November 21, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some portions that were edited from the finished episode due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language.  But we’re talking about the Bible in it so what the fuck do you expect?

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Chlorthodox Bleach; proven to whiten fabrics better than a renaissance painter whitens a Middle Eastern Messiah.

Chlorthodox Bleach: Like Christianity, it’s relatively safe for coloreds, but it’s really made for whites.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 21st,

And non-sequiturs are all about inflection.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from America’s clitoris New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll point out that Christians are really just praying to Jew God in beta testing.

  • George W. Bush will prove that he’s still got it,

  • And Lucinda will join us to learn that 2 Samuel was fun, like a clumsy colonoscopy from a polydactyl giant.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Everywhere I go, I’m haunted by the goliath incisors and immaculate hairpiece of Joel O’Steen.  Everytime I check our rank on iTunes (which I probably do more often than is psychologically healthy), I see the preposterous oral contortion he calls a smile.  He’s always sitting there at the number one spot, beaming about his supremacy.

He does the same damn thing on the Stitcher ranks.

And now he’s doing the same damn thing on my morning commute.  He’s got a new book out and every third subway train I step into has an ad for it.  It’s yet another in his twelve thousand part series about telling you whatever the fuck you want to hear if you’re willing to pay him to say it.

The tagline on the ad is brilliantly paradoxical and encapsulates O’Steen’s brand of bullshit perfectly.  Below his dentally arduous visage it reads, “God doesn’t want you to live an average life.”

Now think about that for a second.  This is an ad.  It’s not written to anybody in particular; it’s being told to the average person.  So if O’Steen’s right and god doesn’t want you to live an average life, he probably shouldn’t have set up the law of averages to mathematically guarantee that you do.

But that’s the beauty of the whole prosperity gospel bullshit.  God wants you to be rich.  That’s why Jesus was all about investment advice and streamlining supply chains and stuff.  God wants you to be rich so he put you in a country where the income disparity makes some food chains seem equitable.  God wants you to be rich so he built you with a brain stupid enough to plop down fifteen bucks on the hardcover version of Joel O’Steen cramming the word Jesus into a generic self help seminar.

And there, in a nutshell, is my biggest problem with religion.  Here’s this used dental-floss salesman spouting on about Deepak level bullshit but as long as he sprinkles it with somes gods, a few Jesuses and an accent that screams for banjo accompaniment, it’s Christian and Christians will lap it up.  Not like Jesus is ever gonna show up and contradict him or anything.

It doesn’t matter that the core of O’Steen’s message is precisely antipodal to the core tenet of Christianity.  It doesn’t matter that he can’t even assemble a one sentence blurb about his book without working in an accidental oxymoron.  It doesn’t matter that his message makes the Secret look substantive.  You like being rich don’t you?  You like Jesus don’t you?  Well then buy this book!

According to the ad copy, O’Steen’s new book will help you (quote) “improve relationships, increase productivity, accomplish your dreams and believe bigger.”  Yes, believe bigger.  That’s so stupid there should be a GNC supplement for it.  Believe bigger!?  Gee, that’s a hell of a deal, Joel, but do you have something that could help me run in tune?  Maybe a section on how to jump darkly?  Or masturbate opaquely?

But it doesn’t matter if what he’s saying doesn’t make sense.  He’s selling to Christians.  They’ve had their innate ability to recognize contradiction and bullshit beat out them for decades, all you have to do is use a trigger word like Jesus and they’re hardwired to shut down the critical parts of their brain.  Believe bigger?  Sure, that makes sense from a spatial and/or metaphorical perspective.  Why not?  He said Jesus nine times in four sentences and makes the word Lord multisyllabic so clearly he knows what he’s talking about.

God wants you to be rich.  Sure, he could have given you wealthy parents or the PowerBall numbers, but why bother with that when he could just stick all the secrets to happiness, fulfillment and large beliefs in 22-point type, a 5th grade reading level and five easy steps.

So don’t forget to pick up your copy today, because god wants everyone to be above average.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is semi-professional devil’s advocate, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to publicly champion the Angel of Darkness?

Why not?  Some of my best friends are dark.

In our lead story tonight, it would seem that the Vatican has refused a deal that they couldn’t refuse.  Italian organized crime experts warn that Pope Frank Corleone’s attempts to reform the notoriously corrupt Vatican bank might have put him at risk of waking up with an alpaca’s head under his blanket.

I’m not too surprised.  Dudes get whacked and rubbed out in the Vatican all the time.

Reverend Federico Lombardi, a spokesman for the Vatican, downplayed the reported threats saying (quote) “The Holy See is not at all worried, and at this point we’re kind of hoping somebody offs that fucker so we don’t have to keep retracting his ad-libs.”

Who would have ever guessed that an extremely opaque, corrupt bank full of Nazi plunder money – in a bullshit pseudo-nation built into Rome – would be laundering money for the mob?!?

Italian prosecutor and mafia expert Nicola Gratteri admits that he doesn’t have specific information about a plot against Pope Franks for Playing, but added (quote), “The last two popes didn’t ride around in a bulletproof condom for aesthetics.”

Pope refuses a deal he can’t refuse: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/14/prosecutor-pope-faces-mafia-threat/

And in “beheadline” news, the militant rebel group in Syria known as the Islamic State of Iraq and All Sham – aka ISIS – put out a heartfelt apology after accidentally decapitating fellow extremist Mohammed Fares, who – according to local custom – should have been guillotined by a rival group.  Diplomats are imploring Syrian rebel groups to put their heads together … in a big pile … and come up with a peaceful solution.

Yeah, these guys are giving machete wielding Muslim terrorists a bad name, here.  There’s a civilized way to decapitate your enemies, guys, and this isn’t it.

When asked about the “face-ectomy faux pas”, ISIS may or may not have released the following statement: “Look, we got served by the People’s Front of Judea on YouTube, and we were scrambling to get a jihad response video in the can.  Had we known he was such an accomplished murderer of slightly different Muslims, this never would have happened.”

Yeah, but I like this story because it bucks the stereotype.  Just when you thought that all Muslims do is kill people with different religious beliefs than them, they go and kill somebody with the exact same religious beliefs as them.  That isn’t a woman.  It’s empowering.

I like this story too . . . It makes me feel like less of a bigot during my vigilante subway security sweeps.  Apparently Muslim extremists all look the same . . . even to other Muslim extremists.  Somehow, the all-face beard and AK-47 are always the first thing to catch the eye.

Islamic extremists cut off the wrong dude’s head, apologize: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/10449815/Al-Qaeda-linked-rebels-apologise-after-cutting-off-head-of-wrong-person.html

And in “Habitat for Jew-manity” news tonight, ex-president, Alfred E. Neuman clone and miserable fucking idiot George W. Bush is under fire for speaking at a controversial “Jews for Jesus” fundraiser that seeks money to bring about the apocalypse by talking Jews out of the whole Judaism thing.

Why weren’t we invited to that?  Our grossly offensive – yet strangely appealing – brand of humor begrudlingly devangelizes thousands of Jews every week.  If there’s a second coming, it’s pretty much all us.

A spokesperson for the national embarrassment defended Bush’s appearance by arguing that (quote) “of all the fucked up shit this dude has done and all the stupid decisions, you’re gonna get your panties in a twist because he finally came clean about hating Jews?  Fuck off.”

Despite his well-documented neural deficiencies, I’m like 90 percent sure he did make the following statement at the event: (quote) “You guys know Jesus’s old saying, right? … Crucify me once, shame on me.  Crucify me twice … No I’ll come back and- … Well you’re not gonna crucify me again.”

Controversy over George W. speaking at “Jews for Jesus” conference: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/andrewbrown/2013/nov/14/george-w-bush-speech-messianic-judaism

And from the “Persecution by Bookstore Taxonomy” file, Christians are outraged, after being forced to push their pallet truck all the way to the fiction section of Costco, just to buy 10,000 bibles.  California pastor Caleb Kaltenbach – whose name sadly lacks any overt genital references – recently discovered that a local Costco put a “fiction” label on the fantastical allegory book that defines his life.

Alright, so if those assholes at Barnes and Noble ever piss me off again I’m just gonna go in there and make up new religions just so they’ll have to rearrange the shelves.  “Excuse me, miss, why the hell is the gospel of Katniss in the ‘fiction’ section, here?”

After numerous complaints from adult people who don’t know what “fiction” means, Costco has diplomatically agreed to open a “Factually-impaired Non-fiction” section, or “Lie-ography” section, to hold religious propaganda books.  

Yeah, but in Costco’s defense, I didn’t know religious people could read either until I saw this article…

And, strangely enough, nobody said a word about the “fiction” label on Aesop’s Fables, the Koran, or even the Jewish prequel to the Jesus book.  By Kaltenbach’s logic, every single book store with a fiction and non-fiction section, regardless of how they place each religious text, is taking part in religious persecution . . . Because it would be physically impossible not to!!!

FoxNews’ panties wrinkled over Bible being labeled as “Fiction” at Costco: http://nation.foxnews.com/2013/11/18/starnes-exclusive-costco-labels-bible-fiction

And in “the supplest of supplication” news tonight, Illinois bishop and person who shouldn’t be mixed with carbonated beverages Thomas Paprocki plans to hold an exorcism in (quote) “reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage”.

Probably a smart move.  This should shut down all the earthquakes and typhoons.  Your welcome, Phillipines.  Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a joke here about gay ghost demons and crossing the streams.

While you’re working that out, I’ll get back to the story.  Paprocki justified his belief that gay marriage is inspired by Lucifer by pointing out that back when Pope Fran Tarkenton was still just Cardinal Jorge Burger-Google, he said as much.  When Argentina legalized gay marriage the then archbishop called it (quote) “A move of the father of lies who wishes to confuse and deceive the children of God” (end quote) which is clearly either of reference to the devil or then supreme pontificate Pope Bent-and-dicked-us.

How do exorcisms work, again?  Will the gay married couples stop being gay, or stop being married?  Or will one change gender?

Yes.  The exorcism is scheduled to take place while we’re recording tonight so if, by the time you hear this, there are still fags, Paprocki will have proven that at least Catholic god is verifiably false.

Illinois Bishop plans gay-marriage exorcism: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/15/illinois-bishop-plans-gay-marriage-exorcism/

And from the “Irish comedian tells offensive joke about Muslims” file . . . Why the fuck is anyone ever surprised about the contents of this file?!?  Conan O’Brien recently tweeted: (quote) “Marvel Comics is introducing a new Muslim female superhero. She has so many more special powers than her husband’s other wives.”  Despite being hilarious, and therefore exempt from bigotry charges, there were many angry responses, and Conan deleted the tweet like a pussy.  

In his defense, he could’ve been trying to protect his streak for the longest a person has ever been considered a comedian without being funny.

One such angry response said: (quote) “Real classy bigotry, Conan O’Brien. Did you enjoy having a laugh at the expense of the marginalized?”  YES!!!  Comedians tell jokes, and we all have a laugh at the expense of the marginalized!!!  That’s humor!!!  And it’s not like he made an offensive list of possilbe names . . .

Pretty sure that’s our cue to put 30 seconds on the clock.  Muslim Superheroines. Go!!!

Before we start, I did some research, and there does exist a PakistAnime superheroine called . . . no bullshit . . . The Burka Avenger.  But I’m gonna start with Silk Scarf Spectre.

Bur-kat woman?  I know that’s not very good, but The Brown Widow is racist so I’m not gonna use that one.

That is racist.  Not ALL Muslim women were widowed by a suicide bomber . . .   

The Black Tar Heroine

Hum-mystique

They do eat hummus . . . The Almost Invisible Woman?  Just a floating eye rectangle.    

I was gonna say the “Wishes she was Invisible Woman”

SheRa-madan … The She-Hadist

Maybe a team of superwomen; The Fantastic 72

Shit yeah . . . the little lebowski virgin achievers . . . the heaven groupies . . . the Tali-Band-Aids.  

Conan mocks Islamhttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/19/is-this-conan-obrien-joke-racist/

Damn, I hate to close things out so close to a fatwa, but we’re out of time for headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-Nara!!!

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in discovering that the 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel division had nothing to do with the bathroom code.

Poem

2 Samuel

Two Samuel?  Well damn you’ll forgive me for saying,

I’m starting to like all the raping and slaying,

It’s not that the bible has sapped all my ethics,

And it’s not that I’m a fan of historical epics,

It’s just better than all the begats and the praying.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s too long and the story’s a mess,

And there’s a huge literary mistake to address,

A new character appears every sentence or two,

Which makes keeping track of them miserably tricky to do,

But I suppose I can try nonetheless.

To start it all there was Saul who was king but got killed;

Then there’s David whose promise from god was fulfilled;

There’s Ahinoam and Abbie, David’s first wives,

And  Ishbaal, son of Saul, whose reign he revives,

With Abner, a warrior respected and skilled.

Joab’s the commander of David’s armed forces,

His brother Asahel runs as fast as the horses,

But he slowed down when Abner puts a spear through his gut

So Joab snuffs him out like a cigarette butt,

Against David’s orders according to dubious sources.

Baanah and Rechab are Ishbaal’s remaining commanders,

But they kill their own king and go to David to pander,

So with Saul’s house destroyed, he goes after the chicks,

Like Michal who he purchased with Philistine dicks

And wants back though it’s clear that he can’t stand her.

King David was fertile with a dick never limp,

And he had more chicks to fuck than a Manhattan pimp,

So he had children a lot; first Amnon then Chileab,

Absalom, Adonijah, Shephatiah and Ithream,

Oh yeah, and he took care of Mephibosheth the gimp.

Tamar was a hottie and Amnon wanted to fist her,

So he told his friend Jonadab that he couldn’t resist her.

Jonadab says, “Rape her” so Amnon acts like he’s sick;

When she bend over to help, he just whips out his dick.

So he fucks her, then boots her and, oh yeah, she’s his sister.

Then there’s Bathsheba, Tamar was hot but she’s hotter,

And when David first spots her she’s wearing nothing but water,

So he disregards the fact that she’s menstruating and married,

His salami was hard and it had to be buried,

And so did Urriah, her husband, who David had slaughtered.

King Haram builds King David stately abodes,

Nathan, the seer, foretells and forebodes,

Hanun the Ammonite mistreats King David’s men,

Shimei tosses rocks at the king now and then,

And Uzzah puts a hand on the ark and explodes.

Sheba is mutinous, Ahithophel is unwise,

Amasa brings about Sheba’s demise,

Eleazar, Shammah and Josheb-basshebeth,

Are ferocious, impetuous merchants of death,

And, oh yeah, there’s Solomon, who has yet to arise.

From Abiathar the priest to Ziba, servant of Saul;

Through the dozen of characters I don’t even recall,

There’s no shortage within of unpronounceable names,

So when you think about it, it’s really kind of a shame

To name the book after someone who’s not in it at all.

Babble

For the love of our listeners, we suffered through 2 Samuel this week; this book has all the literary intrigue of a high school newspaper and as many characters as a high school yearbook and yet still, somehow we got all the way through it.

I used cocaine.  Good for awful books, plus it helps you stay motivated to … buy more cocaine later that day.  And that third digit in my bank account was really getting unmanageable.

And of course, joining us in this misguided adventure once again is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back to the show.

Great to be here, despite the circumstances… and I think Heath should have shared the cocaine.

Alright, so 2 Samuel starts off exactly when 1 Samuel leaves off, so Lucinda, can you set the stage for us?

  1. Sure.  When last we saw our intrepid hero David, he was off kicking Amalekite ass, rescuing kidnapped people and being elsewhere while Israel gets wasted by the Philistines.  

    1. So chapter one of two Samuel starts with some random guy showing up and telling David that Jonathan and Saul fell in battle, and that, upon request, he finished Saul off.  So David kills him.

  • “That’s my gay lover – and his dad my other gay lover – you’re talking about, asshole!  Nobody finishes off Saul better than me!”

  1. So with Saul dead the whole kingdom goes to shit.  David is declared king of Judah, Ishbaal becomes king of not Judah, then, of course, they start killing each other.

  • “So uhh . . . how’re we gonna settle this?  We can’t have people fighting over this shitty desert for the next 5000 years.  What if we take 10 of my guys, and 10 of your guys, and they all stab each other at the same time, and we see what happens?”

  • “That makes NO sense . . . Make it 12 guys each, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

  1. And in chapter three we learn that David definitely didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner. I mean he really, really, really didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner; even though he was around when it happened and benefited greatly from it and could have done it, he definitely didn’t.

    1. And he didn’t know about it, or order it or anything.

  • Right, it wasn’t David.  It was his general, Joab.  And generals don’t just kill people on command.        

  1. Then we learn in chapter four that he also didn’t kill Ishbaal, either.

    1. Hell, he killed him even less than he killed Abner, who he also didn’t kill.

  2. So after the coincidental and definitely-not-premeditated by David murders of his two rivals to the throne, he becomes king of all Israel.

    1. And he fucks a lot.  He’s got wives, concubines, other dude’s wives…

  3. Then we get a whole chapter talking about the “Bring me the Ark!” parade, which apparently ends in a tent where David rocks out with his cock out, which pisses off his first wife,

    1. You’ll remember her from One Samuel where he traded her straight up for a bag of dicks.

  • If you’ve ever been to a Bar Mitvah, you’ll know that Jewish men and their white friends can’t dance without the aid of those twenty-something black people they hire as interactive dancer extras.  

  1. Chapter seven is one of those “Gee, god, you sure are the most awesome god of all gods and we’re all really impressed down here” kind of chapters.  Oh, and god promises that David’s line will rule Israel forever.

    1. Yeah, how’s that workin’ out?

  • David was part Palestinian, right?

  1. And then he kicks ass, kills people, subdues land and steals gold.

  • Apparently he won the loyalty of the Moabites, by only murdering two thirds of them? . . . “Who wants to try a really fun game? . . . Everyone look to your left, and now to your right.  I’m going to murder you, and one of those other two guys.  Or both of them, and you’re my slave.  Everybody understand how to play?  I’m pretty awesome, right? . . . Vote David for King in negative 984!!!”      

  1. Then David starts feeling guilty for definitely-not-killing Jonathan so he decides to take in his crippled grandson.

  2. Then the Ammonites piss him off by forcibly shaving his envoys so he kicks ass some more and kills a lot more people.

  • And since 2 Samuel is the model for all future latently homo-erotic fraternity pledge hazing, they shave half their beard, and make them wear assless pants.  Yet despite the biblical mandate, Mitt Romney was chastised when he did the same thing to a gay at his high school.      

  1. And then… Holy shit, just when you thought David could do no wrong, we meet Bethsheba.  David’s just minding his own business, beating off on his porch one day when he sees a hot chick bathing.

  • “I knew it would pay off to put a bucket of sudsy sponges and a dirty car, right there under the palace porch!  Give her dad these 50 shekels just in case, and bring her to me!”  

So he bones her and she comes back a couple of weeks later to tell him she’s pregnant.

    1. So what to do, right?  She’s married, so he can’t take her as his wife… unless, of course, she’s suddenly widowed.  So he sees to that.

  1. And apparently that was a bridge too far and God decides to enact some holy retribution on David.

    1. Or, more accurately, on David’s wives who he sentences to be publicly fucked by his neighbors and his son, who God then kills with a horrible illness.

    2. Yeah, that ought to show him…

  • And since God doesn’t exist, David blatantly chose to have her gang-raped.  Unless of course this book isn’t meant to be taken literally.  In which case, the gang-rape must be a metaphor for something good and holy.    

  1. And then Amnon teaches us all how to properly rape your sister.  

  • “I really want to fuck my sister, but she’s not as rednecky as I hoped.  Do we have a sister-fucking guy on staff?”  

  • “Well Jonadab didn’t specialize in that, but he’s pretty clever.”  

So Jonadab says, “Have you tried luring her to your house and raping her?”

  • “Yeah just tell her you want to eat freshly baked bread directly from her hand.  That way it’s not suspicious.”

  1. But apparently his brother Absalom wasn’t too happy about it so he ordered his servants to kill him and then he fled to Geshur.

  2. And I love how they broke the news to David.  Basically they say, “Hey, bro, Absalom killed all your sons” and when David starts losing it they say, “Just kidding!  He only killed Amnon.”

  • “What do you guys think that was all about?  The sister raping?  It’s been a couple years now.”

  1. And then we learn that if you’re ever serving a king who’s having trouble forgiving his son for murdering his son and thus endangering the lineage of your nation, all you need is a bag lady.

    1. Right.  So David half ass forgives Absalom, but that’s not enough so he sets Joab’s field on fire in a tantrum.

  2. And then in a surprise twist, it turns out that Absalom, the fratricidal arsonist, is actually a bad guy.

    1. Who would have guessed?  So he starts undermining dad and sets himself up as king.

  3. Then David tucks his tail between his legs and takes to the woods.  Along the way people throw rocks at him and shit for being a slut.

    1. And David sends Hushai the Archite to fuck up the counsel of Ahithophel; who then advises Absalom to bang his father’s concubines as publicly as possible.

    2. I knew that coming was coming.

  • I knew Caesar had it wrong . . . It’s “Vidi Vici Veni.”  I saw, I conquered, I came.  This is an important morality lesson, and I can see why they kept it in the book . . . How else does a guy know which whores to fuck during a “Jew d’etat”, following the rape of his sister by a half-brother?  And where does God want me to fuck them?  Publicly?  Privately?  

  1. And then we spend a long chapter with Absalom saying, “Do I send 12,000 men to kill my father, do I not send 12,000 men to kill my father”.

  2. But the problem is that he was listening to Ahithophel when he should have been listening to Akkbar because, as we learn in chapter 18, It’s a trap.

    1. David’s army surrounds Absalom’s army and once again we find David most-definitely not killing his enemy.

  • “Did you kill your son with spears and hang him from a tree?”

  • “No . . . No . . . What had happened . . . is . . . Well on the average day, Absalom walks around with about 100 shekels-worth – or 2 rapings-worth – of beautiful, nappy Jew-fro on his head.  As he often did, he was riding an ass, and his hair got caught, and then he got speared . . . by the guy I keep pardoning and re-appointing general after murdering my rivals without my permission.”   

  1. Do David’s bawling about his son dying until Joab comes in and tells him to man up.

    1. Then he heads back to Jerusalem and along the way all the people who laid bets with Absalom come back to see if there’s room for one more set of lips on the king’s ass.

  2. But they can’t even get all the way to Jerusalem without another coup attempt.

    1. Right.  The non-Judean Israelites get a bad case of middle-child-syndrome so they rally under Sheba and march off to start their own promised land.

    2. Yeah, and that works out fine until the people of Abel chopped off his head and tossed it over the city wall.

  • And in case you were wondering what happened to the 10 prostitutes David left in Jerusalem to be pillaged by Absalom’s army . . . They’re still there, but David absolutely did NOT fuck them again.  He was nice enough to put them up in a studio apartment for used whore-widows, and get them a reality show.  “Real Housewives of Jerusalem Polygamists”

  • And in case you were wondering who David appointed to his cabinet as Slave Master General, it was Adoniram.  

  1. Yeah, they get damn specific.  Then we get a famine and David’s like, “Hey god, what’s with the starving and shit?” and god replies, “Yeah, well, Saul did try to kill the Gibeonites so everyone has to starve until you impale seven of his descendants on a hillside.”

    1. So Jesus stole that trick from Saul’s grandkids?

    2. Yeah and because this book of the bible was directed by Michael Bay, it ends with an action beat and they go around killing giants.

  • Only Michael Bay could come up with the idea for the final fight, when David’s nephew rubs Polydactycil cream on his sword and kills the 12-fingered Amish Giant, despite the seemingly insurmountable 20% advantage in grip and simple arithmetic.

  1. And then David sings about how awesome god is for a chapter…

    1. Oh… I thought he was singing about crack there.

  2. And then we meet the Hebrew special ops guys.  This whole chapter is just a list of Jewish ass kickers that reads like Noah’s thanking the donors at the end of the show..

    1. Oh, I’m totally using that this week.

  3. And then David takes a census and apparently god gets as pissed off about those as tea-party libertarians so he plagues the nation for three days and kills 70,000 people.

  • God says: “I’ll give you 3 choices . . . Would you rather 70,000 Jews get killed by plague over the course of 3 days, OR be forced to wear mittens for 3 months straight, OR you almost sneeze and lose it once a day for 3 years?”  David had just done a census, and 70,000 was pretty minor, so plague it was.

  1. Yeah… not exactly a climactic ending.

Books of the bible are like masturbation, not sex.  It’s climactic enough if it’s over.  So that does it for 2 Samuel.  The Holy Babble will be back in episode 43 with 1 Kings.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.

Libel Babble Blible Blabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!!!

Outro

In honor of my friend Luke, on whose birthday we’re recording this episode and who was a huge part of the inspiration that eventually became this show, I’ll be rendering the outro tonight, by request, in third person biblical.

And behold, Noah did earn favor in the eyes of the people, and the Spaghetti Monster was with him and so he went to the people and gathered them together and spoke onto them, but then he reached the end of the show.

And the people lamented for there was no more blasphemy but then they learned that there was more blasphemy and they rejoiced.  For Noah had spoken before to Jake of the house of Farr and the house of Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show and all the words that he spake could be found by the people on episode one hundred and fifty and nine of that show.

And they learned, too, that Noah had also appeared for a few brief seconds on “The Herd Mentality” with Adam Reakes, son of Brian, son of Sydney, son of William and that he could be heard there, too, on episode twenty nine of that fine program of the Australites.

And the people did call out for Heath the Heathen and they did heap adoration upon him as well they should.  And they did call out for Lucinda, the concubine of Noah whom they loved and they did heap adoration upon her as well.  And they did call out for the anonymous doctor Steve, regular contributor to the Skepticule podcast and Vegas favorite for the best Farnsworth quote of all time.  And they should probably heap adoration on him as well and if they were so inclined they would find a convenient link on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist dot com(eth).

http://www.skepticule.co.uk/

And Noah called out to the people and said to them “Follow me!  On Facebook and Twitter and YouTube and stuff!”  And the people did follow him.

And then he called from all the people six of them that were the best of all, and he said, “Deb, who is a friend to all the woodland animals, come forward”, and Deb came forward.  And he said, “Lindsay, who defeated 10,000 Philistines at once with an ink pen and chapstick, come forward; Willie, upon whose house birds fear to shit for he is so great; Jeffrey, who is long of shaft and brass of ball; Morten, whose wisdom is greater still than ten men… ten women and three hermaphrodites; and Lee, whose enemies flee before his name, which is rough for them because Lee is a very common syllable; All of you come forth.”

And Deb and Lindsay and Willie and Jeffrey and Morten and Lee did come forth and Noah spoke unto them, saying “All who hear my words are great; but you are greater still, for you have sacrificed your hard earned sheckel upon the altar of our Paypal account thus earning great favor such that your names will be forever remembered and the Spaghetti Monster will look favorably on your houses for many generations.”

And then Noah thought the biblical thing was played out so he just said, “If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 38 – Partial Transcript

November 7, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains some portions edited from the completed episode due to time constraints

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language like shit and fuck.

Sponsor:  Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new television network ESPN Jew; featuring hall of fame sportscasters Marv Albert, Chris Berman, Howard Cosell, Marty Glickman and Al Michaels, narrating an endless loop of Sandy Koufax highlights with occasional snippets of disgraced steroid-abusing Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun.

ESPN Jew, because seriously, it’s Koufax and Bears punter Adam Podlesh.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 7th,

And Brandon Lee died because someone filled in the (blank).

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from post-Bloombergian New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll refresh you with some thinking-man’s abortion jokes.

  • The Jews will continue to have not murdered Jesus,

  • And we do an entire segment on Pennsylvania schools, without a single Sandusky joke.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Normally I do retractions at the end of the show, but this week we’ve got one I want to put right up front.  The atheist blogosphere was abuzz all week last week with stories about a Polish girl who committed suicide to be with her father in heaven.  It was all over social media all week complete with vigilant Jesus-defenders trying to theologically justify it.

Heath and I reported on it as well and the day that episode was released we immediately started seeing the retractions.  It turns out the original story came from a tabloid paper and the more vigilant reporters were unable to confirm any of the details of the story.  It almost certainly never happened.

But even before that news came out, there was a bit of internal conflict about running with this news item.  Even when I didn’t doubt the veracity of the story, I was still hesitant to include it.  Part of my resistance stems from the fact that I’m nowhere near as comfortable as my co-host with the prospect of making jokes about a suicidal elementary schooler, but part of it was simply the extreme nature of the story.  I mean, it’s not like there was a rash of theologically inspired preteen suicides or anything.  Even if this happened it was an extreme, isolated incident.

So when Heath brought up the story I originally objected to it.  I explained my objection and he reasoned me out of them.  And what’s more, the reasons that convinced me are still valid even if the story is bullshit.

This story was so appealing to atheists not because they believed that this was some inevitable consequence of religion, but because it offered a case study in one of the many theological pretzels that comes with the whole afterlife concept.  Whether or not some little girl really killed herself to get to heaven, the questions that it prompted from atheists is no less valid.

As near as I can tell, this whole afterlife thing is the only real feature religion has left to sell.  That and intermittent divine key-location.  And as much as people seem to love the concept of an afterlife, it’s a sex-in-the-shower kind of thing; it sounds good until you start thinking about it.

The Facebook arguments bore this out.  Most of them went like this:

The atheist would say, “Well if she got to be with her dad, wasn’t suicide the right choice?”

And the theist would counter with theological minutia; “No, because suicide is a mortal sin.”

To which the atheist would say, “So god sent the little girl to hell for eternity for missing her dad?”

To which the theist would change the subject, commit a gross logical fallacy or criticize the atheist’s spelling and/or punctuation.

Of course none of this matters because there was no little girl, there is no god and there is no heaven, but that doesn’t spackle over the logic gap at all.

Some of the debates were more utilitarian, of course.  Some people argued for the value of simply believing in heaven whether it existed or not and thus avoided the delicate little-girl-roasting-in-hellfire problem by framing it as a question of proper theological education.

“If somebody told her that suicide was a mortal sin beforehand, she’d never have considered it.”

Okay, maybe that’s true, but how comforting is that to the little girl whose dad shot himself?  What do you tell her?  “Don’t worry, sweetheart, someday you’ll get bicurious and then you’ll get to burn in hell with him.”

I’m sick and tired of listening to people argue the merits of a belief in the afterlife.  It’s an absurd concept no matter how you try to spin it and what’s more, it makes it harder to deal with the reality that dead people are just dead.  That’s usually the hardest thing anyone will ever have to deal with so you’re probably better off trying to deal with it right away rather than cheese-clothing over it with fairy tales until it actually happens.

One way or the other, death is hard to deal with and like most things, rampant illogical bullshit doesn’t make it any easier.  The cold comfort of thinking about grandma looking down from heaven dries up really quick when you’re lubing a dildo.  And the cold comfort of your own immortality dries up when you think about a heaven run by some dude that has a perfectly good paradise elsewhere and put us here instead.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the third member of our two man triumvirate Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to virate?

Sure, why not?  The ladies love things that virate.

In our lead story tonight, an Egyptian atheist was arrested this week for existing.  According to a report from “Ahram Online”, a 20 year old student in the Suez city of Ismailia was arrested after allegedly starting an atheist group on Facebook.

I thought the CIA installed an Atheist Jewish government after causing Arab Spring.

Yeah, that’s what the NSA transcripts say, but apparently not.  This would not mark the first time the Egyptian judicial system has responded to illegal use of emoticons.  In December of last year atheist activist Alber Saber was sentenced to three years in jail for sharing a link to an online film critical of Islam.

They wanted him to post links to all the pro-Islam movies currently dominating world cinema?

Like… Obama’s home movies?

Rama-Donnie Brasco?

Water-boardwalk Empire.

Halal-most Famous.

Anyway, in their continuing effort to make sure the days of the pharaohs remains the highpoint in Egyptian civilization, the nation boasts draconian blasphemy laws that make (quote) “offending religion in any form” punishable by as many as six years in prison or two years service against the legionnaires.

Egyptians arrested for starting atheist Facebook page: http://english.ahram.org.eg/NewsContent/1/64/84968/Egypt/Politics-/Egypt-security-investigates-student-for-forming-at.aspx

And from the “Saviors NOT Murdered By Jews” file … Jesus: the Jews did NOT murder Jesus.  However, according to a 2013 survey, only 75% of Americans are willing to believe the Jewish alibi on this, which says (quote) “None of us are 2000-year-old former citizens of ancient Rome.”  Strangely enough, the remaining 25% tend to be anti-Semitic, despite the fact that – as far as they know – the Jews killed Jesus for their sins.  I think a modicum of gratitude is in order…

That’s a too often overlooked part of this thing.  Sure, Jesus died for the sins, but everybody involved was playing a necessary role in god’s divine plan.  Where’s the love for the guy who made the crown of thorns?  Or the carpenter that put together the cross?  After all, that cat o nine tails didn’t just clean the chunks of flesh out of itself.

Historians and other literate people point out that the Jewish people were slaves in Rome at the time of Jesus’s death, and generally slave populations had little control over government execution policy, as evidenced by the fact that Jewish slaves were getting executed all the time.  Despite this, and several other instances of the Jews NOT murdering people, and one huge instance of the opposite, many Americans still carry anti-Semitic attitudes.  

In preparation for this news story I made the mistake of typing “25% of Americans think…” into the Google search bar.  Possibly the most depressing autocomplete you will ever see.

For example, about 25% believe (quote) “Jews still talk too much about what happened to them in the Holocaust.” (end quote) . . .

Six million little cases of murder and they’re bitching for a century… Jews.

Gotta figure lots of these anti-Semites are Bible Belters . . .

Do you really get a lot of 90-year-old German Jews jogging up next to you in rural Arkansas, you’re just trying to do some cardio, and they won’t stop blabbing on about surviving genocide?    

“You working up a good sweat?  I’m auschvitzing like a pig over here.”

“Shut up Saul- actually that’s pretty funny.  You can say that because you’re Jewi- Look I don’t have time to make holocaust puns with you again!” …

Guess we should put 30 seconds on the cl-

We will not be putting 30 seconds on the clock for a holocaust pun segment.  Moving on.

25% of Americans believe the Jews killed Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/jews-killed-jesus-adl-survey_n_4191568.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And from the “What’s the motto with you?” file tonight, a bill that would put the words “In God We Trust” in every public school in the state has passed through Pennsylvania’s Education committee, reminding atheists and secularists everywhere that rednecks don’t only live in the south.

Those rednecks do spread quickly.  They fuck like rabbits.  Like ignorant, incestuous rabbits.    

Hell, some of them just fuck rabbits.  Anyway, the bill’s sponsor and amputated-testicle joke on a tee Rick Saccone points out that the measure would promote patriotism by reminding school kids that America was founded by the same oppressively religious assholes they had in the rest of the world back then.  Nine of the twenty three members of the committee opposed the bill on the grounds that would cost money and is stupid, but supporters point out that (quote) “them motherfuckers are a bunch of godless commies”.

Yeah it’s the lack of creationist visual aids that’s leading to all the rampant atheism.  Kids don’t trust things unless they have lots of posters with vague, unexplained platitudes.  

Saccone also points out that this will help draw attention to the little known fact that the red-scare inspired change in the nation’s motto wasn’t proposed by just any irrational, divisive, nugatory, reactionary, hysterical, twaddling tit… it was a Pennsylvanian one.

And speaking of propaganda mongers with semi-amputated testicles, Richard Sack-One, aka Dick Half-Sack, aka Only One Kenobi started his political career at the Ministry of Truth in Oceania during the mid-eighties.

Bill to put “In God We Trust” in every classroom passes PA Education committee: http://www.abc27.com/story/23782955/pa-house-gets-bill-to-post-in-god-we-trust-in-schools

And in “Found My Soul Mate” news: Area woman celebrates Halloween dressed as a bloodied Boston Marathon runner . . . According my research, and her twitter handle, I just need to look for (quote) “Some Skank in Michigan” named Alicia Ann Lynch.  

As a native born Michigander I can tell you, we’ve got the best skanks.

She’s perfect for me, right?  Female, 22, self-proclaimed skank … check check check.  And she might just have the best cringe-worthy sense of humor ever.  Close second place in the cringe-worthy humor contest goes to the accidentally hilarious Lisa in Dallas, who tried to angrily respond to Lynch by saying: (quote) “Wow. If she has kids, would she put them in bloodied Sandy Hook shirts?” (end quote)

Inadvertently giving Heath a reason to procreate.

Alicia Lynch (and/or Lisa in Dallas for that matter), I hereby offer to impregnate you, have those kids, and dress them up like Lisa suggests, just so we could take the most offensive and also hilarious family photo of all time.  I’m not suggesting the events themselves are funny, but when  combined with a holiday about death juxtaposed with children in costumes, I can’t avoid a chuckle.  And hand on a Bible, most people in Boston would trade a minor explosion at the marathon for a Red Sox world series all day.

Isn’t it a little too soon for World Series jokes?

Funniest Female Ever: http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/woman-s-boston-marathon-bombing-costume–what-it-says-about-everyone-205502002.html

And in “Abstain-o-lantern” news tonight, a Christian assholes took it upon herself to ruin Halloween for some neighborhood kids when she chose to augment the traditional candy by stapling it to graphic anti-abortion propaganda.

Nothing goes together like halloween candy, staples, and dead kids.

While nothing would appetize an atheist like pictures of aborted fetuses, a number of the parents in the New Mexico neighborhood were shocked.  The woman who handed out the dead baby menus defended her actions by reminding people that it’s okay to be a bitch as long as Jesus.

Okay, 30 seconds on the clock; Baby-based Halloween candies:

Fetus Pieces- no Sugar Baby Killers

Embryo Ruth Bars

And the miniatures are called Test Tube Baby Ruth?

Kid-Kats

SteM&M Cells

Spree-mies?

Cadbury Ova?  Cadbury Fertilized Eggs?  Cadbury Egg Drop Soup – and if you weren’t listening last week, that’s describing candied euphemisms for abortion.

It’s not a candy, but you could have some infanti-cider to drink.

Ok nice, atheist beverages … Swiss Miscarriage Hot Chocolate

Christians give out graphic anti-abortion propaganda at Halloween: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/new-mexico-trick-or-treaters-given-graphic-anti-abortion-propaganda-with-candy/

In “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” news, several drunken rednecks went wandering in the woods at night with rifles, hoping to murder a mythical yeti.  When they saw a what appeared to be a large, bearded human with a blaze orange jacket, they did what any former vice president would do, and shot him.

“What could that human shaped thing in the dark be, if not a bigfoot?”

Yeah, apparently they initially told the 911 dispatcher that he’d been gored by a unicorn in combat but when she expressed doubt, they were forced to tell the truth.  They needed a replacement cryptozoological hair for the core of their magic wands.

I also love that the news report ends with the sentence, “It is not yet known if drugs or alcohol played any part in the accident.”  For the sake of my faith in humanity, both drugs and alcohol better have played a fucking role in it.

Unfortunately this story does not have a happy ending.  In what can only be described as a Darwin Award snub, the wounded sasquatch wrangler is expected to survive.

Man accidentally shot while “hunting bigfoot” with friends:   http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/three-men-arrested-after-accidental-shooting-during-bigfoot-hunt/

In “Them-merry-gentlemen-are-probably-fags-too” news tonight, greeting card behemoth and indefatigable generator of trivial holidays Hallmark is dodging accusations of homophobia this week after releasing a Christmas ornament that rewrites the lyrics to “Deck the Halls” to take out that offensive reference to assless chaps.

What happened? Did Hallmark find out that “Yuletide Carol” is the name of a trans-gender holiday-themed prostitute on my block?  Oh no, obviously … It’s the line before that.  It’s gonna say “Don we now our HOMOSEXUAL apparel” to be politically correct.

Close, but actually the  sweater shaped ornament has, “Don we now our FUN apparel” written across it, but in Hallmark’s defense, it’s the gayest fucking sweater you can imagine so clearly they don’t hate the gays across the board.

Right and it’s only for the one holiday.  It’s like how white people are allowed to use the N-word on Christmas morning.  And then Christians are allowed to use homophobic slurs that afternoon.  There’s a holiday hate schedule, and it generally works.  

A representative for the company explained that the song dates back to the 1880s, way before gay meant having butt sex, adding (quote) “today it has multiple meanings, which we thought could leave out intent open to misinterpretation”.  So apparently the representatives for Hallmark think that many of their customers have assumed this whole time that those carollers are singing about anal-beads and strapons.

Certain apparel – gay or straight – was really put in there to be removed.

Hallmark edits Deck the Hall to remove references to butt-sex: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/10/31/hallmark-nixes-gay-from-christmas-carol-on-ornament/

In “Hexa-kosioi-hexe-konta-hexa-phobia” news, the Christianity brainwash process caused a high school cross country runner to drop out of a race.  The satanic cult that runs the Whitley County Kentucky school system, insisted that she wear Anti-Christ propaganda in the form of a bib with the # 666, also known as a Beelze-Bib.  

Student and amateur biblical numerologist Gina Croley explained her decision by saying (quote), “I didn’t want to risk my relationship with god”

Helped the poor… check.

Kept my commandments… check.

Didn’t mix fibers… check.

Never randomly fell to number six hundred and sixty six in a numerical set… hold on a second!

When asked why she didn’t just flip it to 999, or pencil in a “point one” or a “negative sign”, her church spokesman I made up replied: (quote) “Satan’s not that stupid.  And it’s not like this is arbitrary.  We hate any homo-digital number that’s equal to the summation of the integers from 1 to the square of that digit.” (end quote) … Fun way to scare Christians away I guess: “Don’t make me add up the numbers on this roulette wheel.  I’ll fucking do it.  1010011010 in binary!!!  Stay back!!!”

Satan Almost Gets Soul at High School Cross Country Race: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/05/high-school-runner-drops-out-of-regional-race-after-being-assigned-number-666/

Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always for being a part of it.

 

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to reluctantly say penises three times in a single sentence.

Merch Plug:

http://www.cafepress.com/scathingatheist

Welcome back to the Scathing Atheist home-shopping network, America’s number one source for Scathing Atheist logo merchandise.  Heath, what’s our next item?

Next up is this lovely Scathing Atheist logo Men’s V-Neck T-Shirt.  This 100% soft cotton tee is perfect for beaches, parks, outdoor sporting events… anywhere you normally wear clothes, really.  And it’s available in five sizes so you can collect ‘em all!

Because having only clothes that fit you is narrow minded.  Now, if I’m not mistaken this T-shirt has been scientifically proven to increase your balance, sexual stamina and white blood cell count, isn’t that right?

Yes, if you’re not mistaken, those things are true.

And how much are we selling these T-shirts for today, Heath?

That’s a great question because I’m sure our listeners have seen similar shirts in Fifth Avenue boutiques selling for hundreds if not millions of dollars, but we have a special indefinite-day-offer where our listeners can get them for one easy payment of only $23.99.

Obviously you misspoke, as the price you quoted is clearly less than a tenth of the value of this amazing upper body garment.  I’m sure you didn’t mean “only $23.99”.

No, you heard me right.  We’re practically giving these shirts away right now.

That price is far too low for me to believe anything you have to say about this T-shirt so let’s move on to our next item.

Sure.  Next up we’ve got a rugged and durable hard plastic Scathing Atheist logo iPhone case with a polished finish.

I have to tell you, that’s so beautiful I’m erect.  I’m literally having trouble not dry humping it at this very moment.

I have one inside me right now.  This iPhone case has been clinically tested to improve weight loss, regrow hair, improve athletic performance, and nestle comfortably in your duodenum.  

And how did those clinical tests come out?

They were brought to completion, as was I, via prostate.  

Excellent.  You know, that’s such an aesthetically pleasing iPhone case I couldn’t help myself and I bought three of them this morning.  And I don’t even own an iPhone.

Well that’s not a problem.  We also have them available for iPads, iPad minis, Galaxy phones, Kindles and more.

Yeah, but they don’t all have that beautiful Scathing Atheist logo design on the back do they?

They do.

Wow.  That must cost at least $355.

Actually, believe it or not, these phone covers start as low as $20.39.

Holy shit!  That’s under $20.40!  I’m starting to doubt your integrity.

I get that a lot at these ridiculous prices.

So you’re telling me I can protect my phone from scratches…

That’s right.

Dings…

Mm-hmm.

Scuffs,

Yep.

And drops,

That’s correct.

AND I can proudly display my filthy monkey heritage at the same time?

I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true, but because of a once in a lifetime astronomical convergence, we’re able to offer these state of the art phone and tablet covers for a steal.  Like many an eponymous retailer, we’ve gone crazy and started slashing prices!!!

Wow.  Who’d have ever thought I could finish all my holiday shopping so quickly.  But as amazing as that deal is, I see one problem with it.

What’s that, Noah?

Well, I can already hear listeners at home saying, “I really want that lovely iPhone cover, but I don’t want to cover an iPhone with it so much as I want to cover myself with it.  And I don’t want it to be made of hard plastic so much as a poly/cotton blend.  And I wish it had a hood.”  It’s a shame we don’t have anything for those listeners.

We do.

We do?

Well how about this lovely Scathing Atheist logo pullover hoodie for only $41.99?  Or this fitted ladies zipper hoodie for only $32.39?

But what if they don’t have a gym bag to put all this lovely Scathing Atheist logo merchandise in?

Well, I suppose they could add this Scathing Atheist logo water resistant, nylon gym bag to their shopping cart for only $16.19.

Is that the correct price or are you suffering from some rare form of mathematical insanity?

I know, I know, these prices are far too low to be accepted on faith, but you can verify them all by going to cafepress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and you’ll see that my mental faculties are still in working order.

Wow, I suppose I’ll have to log on to that website or check the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com for a handy link immediately.

So will everyone listening, I’m sure.

Well, assuming that all of our listeners are discerning shoppers with a keen sense of value.  Oh, and weren’t you saying something about free shipping earlier?

No, I wasn’t.

Bible Story:

“Run gather the young ‘uns, folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!”

(Judges 19)

Gather round boys and girls, today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the most important women in the whole bible.  She was so important that the whole nation of Israel went to war over her and all she had to do was get raped to death and dismembered.

We don’t know her name, but we’ll call her Terry.  She was a concubine, which is kind of like a combination between a wife and a slave, and one day the man that owned her made her mad so she went home to her parents.  After a few months of trying unsuccessfully to lick his own balls, he decided to go get her, because after all, he did own her.

So he went and got her but on the way back to his house they found themselves in a town called Gibeah.  They’d never been there before, it was getting dark and they didn’t have anywhere to sleep so they were really scared.  But luckily a nice old man came across them and let them stay at his house.

He gave them food and something to drink, but right before they were about to put on their pajamas, there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” the old man asked.

A voice on the other side of the door answered, “A violent rape gang”

Now suddenly everyone got very scared because violent rape gangs like to force their penises into places where you’d rather not have penises and nobody in the house wanted any penises in them.

“What do you want?” the old man asked.

And the violent rape gang answered back, “You brought some man into your house tonight.  Send him outside so that we may know him.”

And when they said, “know him”, they meant “fuck him”, and when I say “fuck him”, I mean forcibly penetrate his rectum with their engorged, throbbing cocks.  And when I say rectum, I mean butthole.

But the man inside didn’t want to have his butthole forcibly penetrated so he turned to the old man and asked what they could do.

“I don’t know”, the old man said, “They’re not going to go away until they have somebody to violently rape.”

And the man gave a big sigh of relief.  He was afraid he would have to be raped, but luckily he had Terri there to get raped for him.  So he and the old man pushed her out the door and the violent rape gang went to work violently gang raping her.  And that was very rude because the sounds of her being brutally violated to death made it really hard for the other two men to sleep.

Eventually the gang got bored and stopped raping her, so she tried to crawl back to the house, but her intervaginal hemmoraging was too severe so she only made it to the porch before she died.

The next morning her husband (slash) owner got up and rubbed his eyes, ready to finish his journey home.  He thanked the old man and then went outside to get his fuck-slave.  He saw her laying on the porch and thought that she must be really lazy to still be asleep so late in the morning, so he kicked her a few times to wake her up.

And when he realized she was actually dead, he was extremely annoyed.  How was he supposed to fuck her now?  So he did the logical thing, he chopped her into little pieces and mailed the bleeding hunks of her body all over the nation so that people could see how mean the people in Gibeah were.

So all the people in Israel decided to end the violence by massacring all the men, women and children that lived in Gibeah, even the ones that didn’t have anything to do with gang-raping Terri.

And pretty much nobody lived happily ever after.

The end.

Outro:

Before we cash the bowl tonight I wanted to congratulate friend of the show Thomas from “Thomas and the Bible” on reaching the 100 episode milestone.  If you haven’t checked out his show yet you have to go ahead and do that and when you do, you’ll be happy to know that there are 99 archival episodes to keep you entertained.

I also wanted to remind everyone that I’m always looking for more Farnsworth quotes to open the show.  I’ve got a few stockpiled, but I can never have enough so if you have a blog, a podcast or a convention you want to plug, check out the contact page on Scathing Atheist (dot) com and send me some Farnsworth.

Oh, and huge thanks to everybody who listens to the show on Stitcher.  We actually cracked the top 10 in our category last week and it’s worth noting that they don’t have an “atheism” category.  We’re top ten in all religion and inspirational shows over there so we’re competing with the likes of Joel O’Steen, Joyce Meyers and my archnemesis Creflo Dollar.  So thanks again for making that happen and if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher yet, download the free app, check us out and help push us a little higher.  After all, if Joel O’Steen’s prosperity gospel is correct and we succeed, that’s proof that god is an atheist.

I need to thank Lucinda for opening and closing the show this week, I need to thank Heath for all the stuff in the middle and, of course, I’ve gotta thank Remy G and yeah, I know that’s a repeat, but the last time we played his Farnsworth quote Facebook shut him down the next day.  His Facebook page is back now and better than ever so I figured I should toss him a plug again now that it matters.  So once again, the name of the Facebook Page is “Fuck your fucking god, you ignorant blinded dumb fuck” and that really says it all.  If you don’t want to type all that shit into the searchbar but you still want to like his page, fear not, there’ll be a link on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/nooneaboveu

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most intellectually sound arguments for the continued existence of our species; Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat.  Vinnie, whose brilliance shines so brightly it can only be viewed by poking a hole in a piece of paper and then observing it’s shadow; Karen, whose strength of will is measured in horsepower per second squared; Laura, whose very name strikes fear in the hearts of pirates across the seven seas; Gregory, whose return was prophesied centuries ago by the great seers; April, whose praiseworthiness should really just be a weekly segment on this show; Emily, whose NSA transcripts inspired the Dos Equis ad campaign; Bryan, whose gravitas makes people rethink that long standing “no worldwide imperial dictators” rule; BCD, who kept beta through psi and only let god have those fringe letters and Cat who is a ninja-decimating genius with a giant penis and everything, but would much rather I spent this time wishing a happy belated birthday to his friend and friend of the show Bruce; so Bruce, happy birthday, may there be many more and I hope you celebrated with the traditional baby shaped atheist cake.

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If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 25 – Partial Transcript

August 8, 2013 Leave a comment

by Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some segments cut for time purposes)

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by The Blasphem-Eats Cafe, purveyors of New York City’s finest atheist cuisine.

Our sinful selection of non-kosher, non-halaal, damnation delights has been hand-cursed by authentic clergy of all different faiths.  This week’s specials include infant back ribs served with a delicious Caesarian Salad.

Blasphem-Eats Cafe: Our food’s so good that unlike Jesus, you’ll come again.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Monkey Man:

This week’s filthy monkey man is Mechy from the “Autistic Jesus” Facebook page.  Thanks, bro!

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s August 8th, and Jesus probably faked it the first time he came.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from justifiably misanthropic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • Heath and Lucinda will be back for more Bible Learnin’

  • Special Guest Eli Bosnick will help us recap the Pentatuech

  • Professor Chris Altman will join us to teach me that it’s pronounced Pentateuch.

  • And there’ll be so much good shit we’ll need a fourth bullet point on the intro,

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

If a Christian told me that they were reading “The God Delusion”, I’d be impressed.  Even if they told me that there was no chance in hell that Dawkins was going to sway them and they were only reading it to see just how wrong he’d gotten it, I’d still admire the intellectual fortitude it takes to immerse oneself in something one intrinsically rejects.

So like the naive dipshit that I am, I assumed that Christians would react with the same appreciation when I told them I was reading the bible.  But when I’ve mentioned it to the religious folks I know, without exception they’ve responded with some variation on an eye-rolling, hand-waving, “Now-what-do-you-want-to-go-and-do-that-for?” castigation.  It’s like they’re insulted that I’m reading the book they keep telling me to read.

They tell me I’m “missing the point of Christianity by focusing on the Bible” or they tell me that “The bible is all about interpretation so there’s no point in a holistic reading” or they complain that I won’t take the time to truly understand each passage before writing some of them off as monstrous.  Or they invoke the magical biblical property where all the stuff they disagree with is allegory and the rest of it is literal.

But the message is always the same, whether they intend to send it or not.  What they’re telling me is “I don’t trust my holy book to stand on it’s own.”  Not one of them seems to think that the god is a talented enough muse to inspire me.  They’re basically admitting that the only possible way to believe in this thing is to decide you’re going to believe in it before you read it.

If a Christian read the God Delusion I wouldn’t care if he spent half the time doodling dicks in the margin.  Dawkins is an engaging author, he speaks clearly and he makes a convincing argument.  I’d assume that encountering such a potent case for atheism would establish a small thorn of doubt they’d have trouble setting aside.  I trust the text to make its point.

And this is a book by some British dude.  Not to downplay British dudes in general or Dawkins in particular, but the other guys have a book that they claim was written by god almighty for fucks sake.  I’m willing to trust Dawkins to do something they can’t reasonably expect from the omnipotent forger of the heavens?

And no fair pointing out that Dawkins won’t be relevant two thousand years from now.  He almost certainly won’t, but trying to create present day belief structures based on two thousand year old books wasn’t my idea.  I recognize that 2000 years from now Dawkins’ understanding of evolution and genetics will seem quaint and that the subjects he’s addressing will have little or no bearing on the modern world.  Because it’ll be two god-damn thousand years from now.  Everything we wrote will be, at best, interesting from a historical and literary perspective.  Even our morality will probably seem primitive.

Strangely enough, when I tell atheists that I’m reading the bible I get a big old pat on the back.  Part of it is a bit of “better-you-than-me” sympathy, but part of it is that genuine appreciation for intellectual integrity.  If I’m gonna spend so much time talking about this book, I should probably read it.  And while I certainly don’t think you have to read the whole thing to set aside the notion that it’s the inerrant word of god, if you intend to make dick jokes about Jesus on a weekly basis, you need to burrow deep into the literary asshole of Christianity and I don’t mind doing digging through those gargantuan dingleberries for the sake of, like I said, intellectual integrity.

But the Christians don’t share the atheist enthusiasm.  Perhaps they know that the bible is a moral guide like Caligula is a considerate host.  Perhaps they know that even as a work of pure literature it’s oversold.  Perhaps they know that it has the factual integrity of a Spongebob episode.  Perhaps they know that it’s just a ridiculous conglomeration of irrelevant myths from a barbaric cult.

But maybe I’m just being too quick to judge.  After all, how would a Christian know any of that shit?  It’s not like they read the thing.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow celestial teapot denier, Heath Enwright.  Heath, isn’t it nice to be unfettered by the burden of proof that comes with outrageous claims?

It’s nice, but it would be a lot nicer if outrageous claimers were aware when they’ve lost an argument.  Or even aware of the criteria by which one might decide the winner of an argument.        

Unsinkable rubber duckies, the lot of them.

In our lead story tonight, the pope said something that he definitely didn’t mean and probably didn’t say even though it’s on tape… again.

Wonderful Pope . . . Very free-spirited . . . We’re all very fond of him.  

In a well rehearsed “impromptu” press conference on the way back from Brazil, Pope Girlie-Name was fielding a question about the so-called “gay lobby” in the vatican and responded that (quote) “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”  A question his subordinates answered with the words, “The fucking pope.”

Bill Cosby’s gotta be following him around for his new show: “Popes Say the Damnedest Things”

I’m picturing geriatric wranglers just offstage with tranquilizer guns, in case he starts confirming a Dan Brown novel.    

Vatican mouthpieces were quick to ensure gay people that, while the Pope might not be judging them anymore, god still is and he’ll send their asses to hell for it.  Cardinal Timothy Dolan even went so far as to excuse the remarks by explaining that the Pope was “on a high” from his trip to Brazil, though he didn’t specify what the Pope was high on.

High on top of a dude…  

How many gays do you figure snuck into heaven before the Vatican officially recanted his accidentally tolerant proclamation?  

What’s really newsworthy about this is that once again Pope Tiny-Francer manages to get the whole media world talking about some major change that he hasn’t actually made.  There’s nothing substantive here.  He hasn’t welcomed gay priests into the fold.  He hasn’t shifted the Vatican’s stance on homosexuality.  He hasn’t endorsed gay marriage or instituted a weekly Vatican rainbow party or anything, and yet the internet is once again abuzz about what a game-changer this new Pope is.

Kind of like how Obama talked a big game, but a dozen old white people still have nearly all the wealth that exists in this country.  

What?!?  I voted for him twice, so I can say the N-word.  

Who is the Pope to judge gay people? http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/29/pope-francis-on-gays-who-am-i-to-judge/ (And the backlash “he didn’t mean it” stuff) http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/31/bishop-pope-was-on-a-high-during-gay-remarks/ & http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/07/31/catholic-leaders-the-pope-still-thinks-sexually-active-gay-people-are-going-to-hell/

And in “Gee, I wonder what he was changing the subject from” news tonight America’s largest archdiocese just released another batch of documents that detail the extent and horror of the child rape and torture pandemic that we’ve all grown numb too.

What exactly are all these documents.  Did the church accidentally let the authorities see their notebooks full of time-stamped rape logs?  Emails that say “I raped another kid.  Don’t tell anyone.”?  Why was the church keeping such a detailed account of their rape stats?  When could that be useful later?!?     

Well what the point in everybody raping kids if nobody knows who’s winning?

“Put it on the pile.”

“There’s a pile?!?  Why the fuck do we have a pile for this stuff?!?”

This latest batch of unrequited felonious horrors sheds new light on exactly how much the church officials knew and how early they knew it.  A dozen child-rapists are detailed in all, including two nuns.  One priest boasted 21 victims over a period of nearly forty years, but the gold medalist was one Ruben Martinez, whose victimized more than 100 children in his career despite the Vatican’s best efforts to pray the pedophelia out of him.

Martinez wasn’t the only one with a wet back I guess.  

I’m sure karma provided a well-endowed cell mate for him.    

It might have if he’d ever been punished.  Despite a number of settlements paid to his victims, Martinez, now 72, has never been prosecuted, never been punished and is still under the direct care of the Los Angeles Archdiocese.  In a 2005 psychiatric assessment Martinez even bragged that he hadn’t had sexual contact with a child in 23 years.

“I haven’t had sexual contact with a child since BLANK” . . .    

Only a priest could think there’s a good way to fill in that blank.

Newly released documents show 1 priest molested over 100 boys in LA Archdiocese: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/31/sex-abuse-church-revealed-secret-files-los-angeles_n_3684329.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And turning now to a pot smoking, gay atheist named Frank who isn’t running the Catholic Church, former Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank admitted last week that he was bullshitting about the believing in god thing and not smoking bong rips thing to get elected.

Just about every staunch theist I met in college did some faith questioning, and some bong hitting.  I was probably responsible for both in many cases, but I’m sure this was happening in most colleges, where the religious are bombarded with facts, and surrounded by superior fact checkers.  

And superior nugs.  Anyway, in an appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher, Frank flaunted the liberty he’d earned by getting out of congress right before the ship sunk when he admitted that he was a (quote) “pot-smoking atheist”.  No surprise that a politician needs to lie about this stuff for the sake of politics, but for those who don’t know the dude, it’s worth mentioning that Barney Frank is the most prominent openly gay politician in American history.  So before you start thinking we atheists have turned the corner keep in mind that the liberal gay democrat in Massachusetts still has to lie about two things: crimes and rationality.

Barney Frank is an arch nemesis for the religious right in politics.  Think about that… Atheists hate assholes like Rick Santorum for egregious acts of religion-inspired bigotry.  Bible-heads hate Barney Frank for enjoying cock, and also having the audacity not to endorse a book that says he’s an abomination who should be murdered.  And then sprinkle the pot on top, and they get really mad.   

As a consequence of this recent revelation, we at the Scathing Atheist would like to formally announce Barney Frank’s candidacy for the presidency in 2016 whether he likes it or not.

Barney Frank admits to being a godless pothead: http://www.examiner.com/article/liberated-barney-frank-admits-to-being-a-pot-smoking-atheist

And from the “Crazy People Flinging Verbal Feculence” file tonight President of the Texas Eagle Forum Cathie Adams took time off from arranging dental floss in symmetrical lines last week to warn us of the coming Sharia-Apocalypse that we’re ushering in with Immigration reform.

Really?!?  Muslim families aren’t exactly strutting right through the airport with ease in my experience.  If a Muslim watches Air Force One on NetFlix, they can be sent to Gitmo.  

They’re aren’t too many ways for this country to get MORE anti-Islam.  Maybe we should force everyone to eat a bacon strip at customs.  Bonus: Keeps out the Jews and vegans too.  

In a chain of logic that was bizarre even by the standards of Texas Republicans, Adams explained that immigration reform would open the floodgates to Islamic immigrants who, fleeing sharia law in their homelands, would work quickly to establish it in America, which will end in our foreheads being branded by demons and, of course, the End Times.

True patriots realize we’ll need to preempt this Islamic theocracy with a Christian theocracy.    

Appearing on a radio program that declares itself the only newscast reporting the countdown to the second coming of Christ, Adams explained her tortured logic in a way that would make Glenn Beck blush.  And before we dismiss her as some impotent wackaloon I should note that this fruit-loop briefly served as the chair of the Texas Republican Party so she’s damn potent for a wackaloon.

Crazy Person: Immigration Reform Bill is harbinger of the end times: http://tfninsider.org/2013/08/04/texas-eagle-forum-president-immigration-reform-will-bring-the-end-times/

And in the “They-Wouldn’t-Joke-About-AIDS-Now-Would-They?” file tonight we have the American Family Association of Kentucky circulating a petition that links the 1962 Supreme Court ban on mandatory school prayer with falling SAT scores, rising teen pregnancy rates and, you guessed it, AIDS.

I’m surprised they didn’t mention that when the mandatory prayers went away, that’s when kids first started choosing to be gay, so that’s where the AIDS came from.  Might as well blame the increases in teen pregnancy on the gays too.   

Factual Counter Point: It was actually us atheists legalizing righteous fetus murder in 1972 that led to the lowered crime rates in the early 1990’s.

Yeah, somehow they missed that one.  Instead, they point out that after prayer was removed from our schools violent crime rates went up and then back down and then eventually way lower than they were before, but at first they went up, but not right away or anything.  If that’s not conclusive enough, they point out that during the years immediately after that, also known as the 60s, the instances of STDs went up considerably.  During the 60s.  Because of school prayer and not increased amounts of fucking.  And as if those two rock-solid coincidences aren’t enough, they point out that SAT scores dropped for 18 consecutive years.  And then, you know, went back up.  And then went back down again and kind of leveled off and then went up again.

Are they aware that the SAT isn’t graded by the magically objective pre-cogs from Minority Report?  Also they stopped asking  the same questions every year.  And it’s graded on a bell curve, so the testing service decides whether the average score goes up or down each year.  Were they trying to say our national average score dropped relative to other SAT-taking, fundamentalist Christian theocracies, that have – unlike the United States –  continued to brainwash students with mandatory school prayer since 1962?  Also absurd, but less so.

You’re making this way too complicated.  No prayer equals angry god equals dumb people on drugs with AIDS.  Think about it: Drugs didn’t exist before 1962 and immediately after three years before that you’ve got the first known case of HIV.  And of course, based on these evidence-like-assertions, they conclude that the only solution to drugs and AIDS is to start mandating prayers in schools once again.

I know it sometimes looks like the cart is gonna keel over trying to push that huge horse . . .  

But there are actual statistics on this, from real scientific studies, with authentic isolated variables, and genuine correction for covariance.  As you might have guessed, brains that prefer creationism to science, are also quantitatively worse at problem solving and other smartness metrics.

Yes, well perhaps that’s why critics of this petition can’t make any headway..

Failing to pray in school causes AIDS: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/30/kentucky-school-prayer-petition_n_3676932.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, from the bullshit archeology file, the four-trillionth piece of Jesus’s cross was uncovered in Turkey last week.  And I think we can all agree that a reputable news source like the Huffington Post would never report something like this if it was absolutely dripping with credulous camel crap.

Christians are acknowledging the existence of archeological evidence?  That’s quite a slippery slope, if they start allowing data from the “-ologies” into the argument.   

Lead researcher and person with no fewer than 4 diacritical marks in her name Gulgun Koroglu said that they found a chest and there was holy stuff in it and some of the stuff was wood so there you go.  And if you can’t trust a woman with three umlauts and a breve in her name, who can you trust?

I’m skeptical . . . Jewish wood in a Turkish box . . . It’s fishy . . . Doesn’t pass the smell test.                     

The fact that the church they were excavating was built more than six centuries after the crucifixion and that seventh century priests were not known for authenticating relics through carbon-dating might leave a person with fewer umlauts in doubt, but the researchers and the hack author who brought us the story have no time for things like skepticism and common sense.  The article actually ends with the claim that this discovery (quote) “provides further evidence of the historical Jesus”.  Yes, much in the same way that my old underoos provide evidence for the historical Aquaman.

How can they be sure this wasn’t wood from Gandalf’s staff or Santa’s sleigh?  Neither of them spent time in seventh century Turkey either.

Four trillionth piece of Jesus cross “found” in Turkey: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/jesus-cross-found-archaeology_n_3691938.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

That does it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Pleasure as always.

And when we come back we’ll continue to not accept Christ as our Lord and Savior.

Skit:

Are you always preparing for raptures that keep falling through?

Are you constantly losing arguments to atheists?

How confident are you that you born into the right iteration of the right denomination of the right faction of the right religion?

All good Christians go to heaven, right?  Of course they do, as long as Christian Real God is in charge.  But what if Allah is in charge?  What if . . . Jew God is in charge?  What if there’s a bunch of gods all struggling for power and Christian god isn’t winning right now?

Any sophisticated investor in the afterlife, needs to consider these other-godly risks when building their eternal bliss strategy.  Most religions tell you not to pray to other gods, so hardly anyone is covering all their bases.  Here at Pascal’s Wager Afterlife Hedge Fund, we take care of all that for you.  We build a diversified portfolio of prayer on your behalf, to a wide variety of possible deities.  Our skillful pseudo-scientists are constantly monitoring the market, checking on what we believe to be real-time evidence, predicting which gods are most likely to be the ones that count.

But don’t take our word for it.  Listen to what some of our clients are saying:

As a Baptist, I’d never confessed my sins before.  Didn’t figger I needed to.

But as my agent explained, if you follow Pascal’s Wager to it’s logical conclusion, what have I got to lose?  Nowadays I confess, take communion, study the Torah, bow to Mecca and behead the occasional chicken.  And you know what?  I sleep easier because of it.

I used to think that accepting Jesus as my personal savior was enough to guarantee me a spot in eternal glory.  Boy was I a naive, stupid, gullible, small-minded, idiotic, foolish, misguided, doltish, obtuse, credulous, puerile, ill-advised simpleton back then.

Like any good hedge fund, our agents work hard to identify the exploitable loopholes in this dangerously deregulated sector.  Speaking of which . . . Non-Jews, call in the next 10 minutes and you’ll get one free loophole for gentiles hoping to appease Jew God, in the extremely unlikely event that he exists.

Sure, the idea of a monotheistic deity other than Christian Real God is preposterous.  But that’s what our form of insurance is for.  It’s for protecting you, in case of the preposterous.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  You could go to hell and suffer eternal damnation.

Pascal’s Wager Afterlife Hedge Fund: Believe in one god . . . Pander to all of them

Babble:

There aren’t a lot of books out there that inspire a person to break out the party hats just for getting 19% of the way through them.  But if you make it a fifth of the way through the bible you deserve a hell of alot more than a hug and a cookie.

So joining Heath and me to celebrate this milestone are my lovely wife Lucinda.

Hello.

And also joining us as a special guest Scatheist this week is my good friend Eli Bosnick, Eli, welcome back to the show.

Now last time we heard from you, you were running for Pope.  How did that work out for you?

I didn’t get it.  Lost it to an old white guy… never saw it coming.

Damn racists.

Now you’ve actually read this whole damn book before, but you actually reread the Pentateuch for the purposes of this appearance and I’ve gotta commend you for that.  I mean, reading this shit is bad enough but going back to it when you already know how bad it is?  That’s a whole other level of masochism right there.

Alright, so the good news is that we’ve already read 5 of the 12 longest books in this thing and 4 of the 8 longest.  The bad news is that’s still a small fraction and there’s a lot more of this shit to come.  But before we dig into all of that, we figured we’d take a little time to highlight some of our favorite and least favorite moments from the Torah.

There are approximately eight billion characters in the first five books of the bible, so I might be asking a lot of you guys to narrow it down to just one, but who earns the honor as your favorite cast member so far?

  • I really enjoyed Moses’ imaginary friend during all the wandering . . . Kind of like Gazoo from the Flintstones . . . The “God” guy.  Apparently he didn’t have much to do with Moses’ plot of creation, but he was a good side character.

  • Balaam’s Donkey – I just couldn’t help but hear Eddie Murphy’s voice when I read it.  Plus, he was the only talking animal that didn’t condemn humanity for all time.

  • Guys I gotta go with the snake. I mean. We are the snake. The snake also makes no invalid points which i always like.

  • How could it not be Jacob?  This guy is a complete bastard.  He buys his brothers birthright with some broth, he tricks his dad with some decomposing bear skin, he pre-marries his wife’s sister and then he kicks god’s ass in a wrestling match.  What’s not to like?

As anybody whose been following along knows, the bible is chocked full of horrible shit, but can you guys tell me which of the macabre proclamations constitutes the worst verse in the Torah?

  • I’m gonna go way out there and say Numbers 12:14- “If her father spit in her face, would she not be shamed for seven days?”

    • For like six days after that you were wandering around the house muttering that line over and over.

    • There was worse shit in there, don’t get me wrong, but god is justifying turning this chick into a leper because her husband was an asshole and he says it’s okay because her dad has the divine right to shame her with a loogie whenever the fuck he feels like it. “ If her father spit in her face…..” ( muttering fade out )

  • I’m going way back to Genesis 38:10: “But what [Onan] did was displeasing in the sight of the lord, so he took his life also.”  And what did Onan do to incur God’s wrath?  He refused to fuck his brother’s wife.  Or actually, he did fuck her, but he refused to come in her.  And so god killed him.  And why was Onan obligated to fuck his brother’s wife?  Because god had already killed his brother.

  • Gotta be Genesis 22:2 from the New American Bible.  This is God deceiving Abraham, setting up a fucked-up loyalty test: “Then God said: Take your son Isaac, your only one, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah. There you shall offer him up as a holocaust on a height that I will point out to you.”  Sacrificing your son because the voices told you is insane regardless, but only the Catholics would make it worse by keeping the word “holocaust” in their translation, when EVERYONE else says “burnt offering”.  They’ve had about seventy years to to make a simple diplomatic edit.  I think everyone can find a way to get by, without using words like niggardly and lowercase holocaust anymore.

  • Guys. You are so wrong. Deuteronomy 22:13-21 if a woman be not a virgin on her wedding night stone her to death on her father’s doorstep.

    • You know what, yeah, I’m switching my vote.  A verse is automatically worse if the barbaric shit it’s talking about is actually still happening in the modern world.

    • Plus, why her father’s doorstep?  Isn’t it just as much the husband’s fault for marrying that slut?  Why should her dad have to clean up the mess?

And in a related category, I asked everybody to come up with the “Most Immoral Aspect” of the first five books…

  • I mean, there’s a part in this book where god kills every breathing thing on the planet, so it’s hard to look at any other part and say “well killing all breathing life is bad, but it also endorses slavery.”  So I kind of have to go Great Flood on this one.

  • Basically every part where a person with a vagina showed up, but if I have to pin it down I’d say Exodus 21:7 where they spell out the proper rules for selling your daughter as a slave-whore.

  • I’m going with garden of eden. Of all the horrible mythical torture porn in the bible there is nothing quite so evil as equating truth and sin. Its the begging of the bible for a reason. The rotten foundation.

  • According to chapter 22 of Deuteronomy, you’re allowed to rape women, as long as you pay their dad 50 shekels of silver each time, and marry them.  Apparently lots of rape victims find that marrying their rapist is the best way to punish them.  

Okay, so god spent a lot of time waving his dick, telling people to obey him and what bugs they can and can’t eat, but what would you guys say was the number one commandment that got missed?

  • Rule Number Zero and Rule Number Eleven: “Don’t get carried away with this book of allegories.”

  • Thou shall not accept handjobs. If she’s not going to use her mouth than forget it.

  • I know there’s more important shit, but I’m going with “Don’t stop and look around at the top of the fucking escalator.”

  • In my opinion, Thou shalt think for thyself should be at the top of the list.

And it’s hard to make the argument that he didn’t have room for all that stuff since he wasted a lot of our time on some pretty petty pronouncements.  So what’s your nomination for the most Superfluous Divine Dictate?

  • exodus 22:18. thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. That’s right. The all knowing god makes sure to punish imaginary crimes. Or maybe he just hadn’t heard witches are real.

  • I’m not judging it one way or the other, but we’d probably still be murdering plenty of gays in this country, with or without Leviticus 20:13  

  • In Leviticus 11:20 God says it’s not okay to eat four legged birds.  He also makes it clear in Leviticus 11:23 that you shouldn’t eat four-legged insects.  So I’m nominating the “don’t eat mutants” proclamation as the one we most could have skipped.

  • Deuteronomy 25: 11-12 … This is the part about us wives not grabbing another dude’s junk while they fight with our husband.  You really think we’d go right for the diversionary handjob God?  By using any other tactic we get to keep both our hands… eye gouging comes to mind….

And since reading five books qualifies you as the biblical expert in most groups of Christians, what part or aspect of this thing do you think would most freak out the average Christian?

  • More than half of their Christian faith owner’s manual … Written by a Jew.  That’s right.    

  • I’m tempted to go with Moses going ape shit over the jews leaving a few cows and infants alive in Media.  I’m tempted to go with the magical dirty water uterus expunging fidelity spell from chapter 5 of Numbers.  But I’m gonna lean on my interactions with a lot of Christians and I’m gonna say they’d be damn surprised by how many times god tells them to lay off the fucking immigrants.

  • Based on the first 5 books, they’d probably be freaked out to know that they are all going to hell. I mean if we seriously consider the rules this book sets forth, not killing one’s daughter for being raped and not screaming loud enough would do it. Not to mention all that other crazy shit in there that anyone in their right mind would never do.

  • Its not in the bible but I think the scientific fact that ALL of exodus just didn’t fucking happen is pretty important.

Alright, so imagine that you’re on the editing board for the Torah.  You’ve just read through the most recent draft and you’re allowed to give the author one rewrite note.  What would it be?

  • So the main character is not very likable. He’s like holden caufield….but worse. We want to like this guy. He created the universe…and puppies. lets see more of THAT guy and less of the “lets get into the specifics of genocide

  • I guess my top rewrite note, based purely on the Pentateuch, would be: “Rewrite the first five books.”  And if I’m giving a more specific example, while these so-called prophets are all discussing geography, maybe a little mention about future places to avoid.  I think plently of readers would have happily steered clear of Italy, Japan, Germany, and red states.

    • Not to mention Jersey.

  • I don’t give a shit who anybody’s great-great grandfather is.  Seriously.

  • How about not being such a cunt to the ladies. I don’t know, maybe refer to us as actual living, breathing human beings or something, that’d be nice.

And finally, if you could ask god one question after reading the Pentateuch, what would it be?

  • What’s your name again?  I forgot . . . it wasn’t repeated in the last verse of Deuteronomy.  Was it Allah-something?  

    • Right.  And what’s this “I am that I am” shit?  Are you God or Popeye?

    • Also, “Can I speak to your manager?”  Asshole’s gotta have a boss in that infinite regression somewhere.  

  • You made Shakespeare.  We know you made Shakespeare.  And yet you have your book written by a Bronze age stuttering James Patterson with ahlzeimers.  What the fuck?

  • Since you STOLE my Shakespeare thing…before i thought of it no less…that’s the worst. Why make it so hard to believe in you? Why encode perfect morality (which not only you possess but embody if we’re asking Doctor Craig) into weird allegories. Why not a pamphlet with just one really great piece of advice on it? Why the most boring horrid genealogical study…ever

  • I have to ask, Do you have mommy issues?

What a perfect question to end on.  Heath, Lucinda, Eli, thanks for joining me.

And if you’re playing along at home, you’ve got three weeks to trudge through Joshua before we dive in once again.

Outro:

Before we snuff the roach tonight, I wanted to thank way more people than I can possibly thank in a single show, let alone a tacked on segment on the end here.  Thanks to the generous help of Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance our audience has more than tripled in the last week and I want to thank everyone who has shared the show, rated us on iTunes, sent an appreciative email, liked us on Facebook and told their friends about us.  We are flattered and humbled every day by the response the show gets and we’re hard at work to keep earning your listenership every week.

Of course, I’ve gotta thank Heath for going above and beyond over and over again, I need to thank Lucinda for joining us tonight, Eli for swinging by and lending us his wit and his wisdom and, of course, I need to thank Professor Chris Altman for being so generous with his time.  Incidentally, if you enjoyed the interview with him, be sure to check out the extended version.  I had to cut a bunch of really good information out to fit it into this week’s show but the whole unadulterated interview is available for free on the Extras Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

But of course, above all else, I need to thank this week’s best people and holy shit was the world chocked full of awesome people this week.  For example, Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard who proved themselves this week by giving us money.  Only people who share the epicurean philanthropy of Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you share Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard’s discerning benevolence, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

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If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.