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Episode 54 – Partial Transcript

February 27, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains at-symbols, ampersands, pound signs and exclamation points.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Christian flavored brand of lion food; Kibble and Twits.  Every bag is fortified with 9 denominations and minerals.

Kibbles and Twits: Because Christians are gonna act like they’re being persecuted one way or the other.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 27th

And Dunkin’ Donuts has a new donut filled with cookie dough.  My stomach cancer just got diabetus.

Im Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Ray Felton can point and shoot” New York, New York

And “Anyone can point and shoot” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode:

  • Drive-by baptists hold super soakers sideways gangster style.

  • Malaysia does something dumb even for a country that arrests coconuts,

  • And gay people will go to hell.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

If you were ever curious what Heath, Lucinda and I look like, we can now offer you an answer to that question.  We appeared on the vlogcast “Holy Crap!” with friend of the show Shujin Tribble last week, and the episode is archived on You Tube and you can find a link to it, of course, on the shownotes for this episode.  I should warn you, though, that according to the feedback we’ve gotten so far, we’re younger, older, thinner, fatter, better and worse looking than you think we are.

But the reason I bring it up is that one of the questions that came up deserved a little more reflection than I could offer on the show.  Shujin was hosting a panel discussion and he posed us all a common question amongst atheists: What evidence would it take to convince you that there was a god?

I’ve heard all manner of answers to this question in the past.  Usually atheists offer some universally (or near universally) observable phenomenon; something that can be scientifically tested; something that would be unambiguous.  And when we offer this, we’re falling into the theists trap.  I remember listening to friend of the show and master-debater Justin Schieber answering this question by challenging god to write something in the sky by realigning stars.

This seems a reasonable request of an omnipotent being, but it elicited a laugh from the audience.  To the religious onlookers, it seemed like he was asking for a ridiculously high standard of evidence, even if they believed that what he was asking for was well within the purview of their god.

One of my favorite answers, and I’ll apologize in advance to whoever originated it, as I can’t recall where I first heard it, is that it’s a pointless question.  I might not know what evidence it would take to convince me that there is an all-powerful god, but by definition, god would.  He would obviously be capable of revealing his existence in a way that would convince me, even if no ready example of such an act comes to mind.

Normally I’d have gone with an answer similar to this, but I’d been mulling something over all day that I’d heard on the Thinking Atheist.  Seth Andrews, who has one of the best atheist podcasts on the interwebs, by the way, was doing an episode about “divine protection”.  He started by talking about that nincompoop snake-handler Heath and I discussed last week, and then went on to catalogue all manner of maladies that had befallen priests and preachers in churches; often during service.

He was pointing out, of course, that god was failing in his charge to protect the faithful.  Why wouldn’t god tell the snake handler “not tonight, bro”, or turn the poison into hemoglobin or something?  Why would a tornado hit a church full of devout worshippers and miss the crack house down the street?

I was thinking about all that while the other panelists offered the typical answers.  All good answers, mind you; things like running a chemical process in reverse; stopping all aircraft in flight at the same time; speaking to everyone in a language that they could all understand.

But when it came to my turn, I lowered the bar of evidence.  Instead of looking for what it would take to make a believer out of me, I looked at what it would take to move me into the “maybe” category.  What would it take to give me pause.  And when you look at the question like that, god’s job gets pretty damn easy.

So god, if you want me to stop doing this show, here’s all it would take: Show me evidence that churches are less likely to be hit by lightening.  Just show me unambiguous, verifiable data that shows that a place of worship is statistically less likely to get hit by lightening.  Or earthquakes.  Or hurricanes.  Show me evidence that devout people are less likely to get cancer than heathens.  Show me that people who are prayed for recover quicker than people who aren’t.  Show me just one tiny shred of statistically significant evidence that there’s a reason to even ask the question, “Is there a god?”

Look, I’m asking for almost nothing here.  Eternal life is something I’d be thrilled to be wrong about.  But even when you lower the bar of evidence all the way to the floor, god can’t slither over it.

 

Skit:

Ooh… slither over it, he says… that son of a bitch.  I hate that podcast so much!!

Don’t be so filled with hate, dad.  You’ve gotta learn to let go.  And I told you that adding free will in the beta version was gonna be trouble.

Shut up, Jesus!  Man, if I had some brimstone, I’d splatter that little twerp.

I told you not to use so much on the dinosaurs.

They were eating meat on Fridays!  I’d already shortened their arms to keep ‘em from beating off and they were still sinning!

I’m just saying you shouldn’t get yourself so worked up.

Jesus, I’ll crucify you again if you don’t back off.

Well it you’re so pissed about it, why don’t you just provide some evidence?  You know, divinely cure cancer or something?  Or any other single, tangible thing.  

Oh yeah, Jesus… really mysterious.  You’d make a terrible god.

(under his breath)…you make a terrible god.

What was that?!?

Pretty sure you heard me.

I’ll beat you like a red-handed stepchild!

You’re not my real dad!!!

It’s complicated.  I’m God.   And you’re my son.  And you’re  also God.   And then there’s this holy ghost.  And then there’s that guy Joseph I cuckolded.  But as long as you live in my universe, you live under my rules…

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is armchair intactivist Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to fight for the Jewish baby dicks?

Hey, circumcise matters.

In our lead story tonight, Denmark has passed a law banning the barbaric practice of Kosher and Halal slaughter in favor of the nominally less barbaric practice of knocking their brains around with that thing Javier Bardem had in No Country for Old Men.  The move has been applauded by animal rights minimalists all over the world, though vegans are still being kind of douchey about it.

And in Vonnegutian headline format: “On the scale of animal cruelty, a Kosher-One is a Slaughterhouse-Five.” … And yes, vegans are correct in pointing out that almost every meat supply chain is completely disgusting … But that sickly, feeble voice ruins everything they say.  Vegan Babies – Breakfast of Champions!!!

Kosher practices stipulate that an animal can’t be stunned before slaughter, must be killed with a single slit to the throat and must bleed to death afterwards.  According to primary sources, failing to meet with these strict dietary requirements can lead to being smited by brimstone, stricken with leprosy or condemned to wander in deserts for decades at a time.

How does a Jewish person even know that they’re getting legit Kosher stuff?  What if the cow has a coronary while it’s waiting on line?  Does the steakhouse give you an autopsy report?!?

Critics of the ban call it anti-semitic because you might as well play the cards you’re holding, but supporters point out that Denmark’s new law forbids the Kosher slaughter of Jewish cows and chickens as well.  Muslims, of course, are also getting all stupid about this because Allah copied his homework off of Jew-God.

Denmark bans Kosher and Halal animal torture: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2014/2/19/halal-kosher-slaughter-banned-in-denmark-as-minister-insists-animal-rights-come-before-religion

Who copied it off that Asian kid … And in “Charlatan North Carolina” news, Pastor Steven Furtick – of Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina – has written up a playbook for tricking large groups into getting baptised.  Wanting to up his scientific street cred, he borrows his techniques largely from Las Vegas stage hypnotists.  God is a numbers game for multi-national mega-church conglomerates like this one, so they keep track of these baptism stats like serial rapists keep notches on a headboard.

You told me that your cat did that…

I don’t have a cat- I mean I sometimes catsit for people- It doesn’t matter.  Moving on.  Among other disingenuous strategies, Furtick suggests that the church set up plants in the audience, to help start the momentum of consent to the pier pressure.  And to falsely inflate the apparent pious stupidity of younger generations, he suggests that the youngest plants run to the front of the “disgusting public bath line”, when the pastor announces the Mass Baptism Ambush.  This is also logistically better – he notes – because old people take forever to get changed into their water rape attire, which will tend to hold up the line.     

Why not a secret trap door like Sweeney Todd or Jabba the Hutt?  Or just have a pool party and when nobody’s looking you can bless the shallow end and dump in some of that fecal-matter infested holy water they love so much.

Considering how much they love to brainwash young people, I’m surprised they didn’t go with more of a Nickelodeon theme.  You ask everyone at the service a simple trivia question about Jesus, to which every baptised Christian would know the answer.  And then anyone in the audience who said “I don’t know” would have green slime (made with holy water) dropped on their head from above their pew.   

I am automatically friends with anybody who gets that joke.

Spontaneous Baptisms: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/is-anyone-really-surprised-by-elevation-churchs-spontaneous-baptisms

And in other North Carolina licking monkey spunk news tonight, Kalei Wilson, a 15 year old high school student in Canton, North Carolina, has been forced to abandon plans to start a secular student’s club after receiving death threats from all those “other cheek” turners we hear so much about.

Death threats?!?  Except for church, every club is a secular club.

Good point, but that didn’t stop the school from blocking her attempt to start the club on account o’ Jesus wouldn’t approve, but Wilson fought back with the help of the Secular Student Alliance, the Freedom From Religion Foundation and the ACLU.  Eventually the school realized they couldn’t win this legally so the Christians went with what they know; bullying.

They could have burned her at the stake.  The womens’ movement has taken small steps in this area.

In the latest chapter of this saga, the following message appeared on the group’s fundraising page yesterday: (quote) “It saddens us to report that due to the numerous threats and verbal attacks on Kalei along with the vindictive witch-hunt to hurt the reputations of affiliated groups and our family, Kalei will not be continuing with the group.”

So congratulations, Christianity.  You’ve bullied a teenage girl into abandoning something she fought tooth and nail for and has a legal right to.  Because, like Jesus said, “What you do to the least of my children is all good if it keeps some atheists from doing a bake-sale for the Foundation Beyond Belief”

What do these people think kids would do at a secular club?!?  

Well our Canton, North Carolina, listeners should be on the look out for a great deal on a cancelled baby buffet.

15 Year old receives death threats and cancels planned Humanist club: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/after-long-battle-to-form-high-school-atheist-group-student-bows-out-after-numerous-threats-and-verbal-attacks/

And in “How Many Lepers Do I Have to Hug to Counteract This?” news tonight, MedStar Washington Hospital Center’s Catholic Chaplain Brian Coelho is a callous bastard with a heart of lumpy pigeon shit.  According to heart attack patient Ronald Plishka, the Reverend refused him last rites upon learning that Plishka was gay.

Sorry but I have ZERO sympathy here.  If you believe in the teachings of Christianity, and you’re gay, then you already know that you’re going to hell.  So the deathbed slam poetry from the bigoted Reverend shouldn’t really matter to you, should it?!?   

The lumpy pigeon shit hearted bastard has refused opportunities to respond to these allegations, though the hospital has made it clear that if they prove true it would mean that Coelho is an asshole.

Okay, but I do see where the asshole’s coming from.  The gay guy’s about to die, and he’s trying to make some bullshit last-second promise to stop being gay for the next 10 living minutes.  If I’m the chaplain there, I’d be pissed about the loophole.  Maybe blow the guy at the last second before he dies for spite.  

Well as much as I’d love to join you in the sympathy boycott, there was a particular quote that tugged at my heartstrings.  Apparently Plishka got pissed off right afterwards and cussed at the priest on his way out the door.  Upon reflecting on this and the fact that he didn’t receive his cracker or whatever, he told reporters that (quote) “I’m thinking I’m going to rot in hell now […] I’m not perfect, believe me.  And I wouldn’t wish [being gay] on anyone.” (end quote).  So it wasn’t enough for this religion to ruin this dude’s life with their bigotry… they’re also hell bent on ruining his death.

Catholic Priest denies last rites to a gay dude: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/gay-patient-says-catholic-chaplain-refused-him-last-rites/2014/02/19/35d163f6-99b1-11e3-80ac-63a8ba7f7942_story.html

And from the “Nobody Cares About Malaysia Comma However” file: Newspaper printers in Malaysia averted disaster by censoring several images of entire naked pigs, that almost went to press in an International New York Times article.  Instead, the otherwise riot-inciting pig pics appeared with their faces blacked out.  Despite hearing the black face thing totally out of context, Al Sharpton, Nat X, and Jesse Jackson have already made angry, public, rhyming responses.  

Nat X, huh?  The man so black fireflies follow him around in the day time?  Awesome.  I love that it was the pigs faces they blacked out.  Were they looking particularly “come hither”?  Were they concealing the pig’s identities in case of retaliation?  I mean look, if they were censoring their pig-tits and pork swords that would still be fucking hilarious, but the eyes!?

There are rumors suggesting this may be a spiteful response by the Malaysian Muslims, to a recent incident in which a respected jihadist was denied entrance into a particular house of bricks, that even his explosives couldn’t blow down.  Reports suggest the inhabitant even made a derogatory remark, about the ridiculous pubic-like bush of hair on his (quote) “chinny chin chin” area.       

Yeah, but I hear that dude’s under suspicion as well.  In Malaysia it’s illegal to huff, puff and blow, so…

Crafty swine … Here’s a statement from the printing company: (quote) “This is a Muslim country so we covered the pigs’ eyes. We usually do that for the International New York Times – also for pictures of cigarettes, weapons, guns and nude pictures.” (end quote) … Censorship is stupid in general, but how did they come up with that list of exactly 4 things?!? … Can everyone fill in the bubble under the one that doesn’t belong?  Cigarettes, weapons, porn, Charlotte’s Web.     

Weapons, cigarettes,  and porn, eh?  Like I said, huff, puff and blow.

Malaysian Printer puts black censor bars over pig’s faces.  And yes, really: http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/jan/23/censorship-malaysia

And in “Rock out with your flock out” news tonight, we bring you the story of Allen Parker, a Virginia pastor who prefers to praise Jesus with his metronome swinging.  Parker has invited his congregants to worship with him each Sunday in the nude, citing biblical justifications like the story of Adam and Eve and, I shit you not, the fact that Jesus was born naked.

But Jesus was born an atheist, so …

Guess he didn’t think of that.  Parker, whose body is less of a temple and more of a stupa, explains that in his church (quote) “there’s not a feeling that you have to be better than one another, physically” (end quote), a point that he drives home by being as physically imperfect as one can be and still be ambulatory.

When they go to Waffle House after church, these must be the only Christians with a tip for the waitress.

And since they laid down the gauntlet when they named their church full of naked, pasty caucasians the “White Tail Chapel”, I say we up the ante.  So 30 seconds on the clock, “Alternate Names for the Nudist Church”.  Go!

The Assless Chapel

Nice.  How about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Taints?

Home of the all-nude Mormon Flabernacle Choir

Motor Boat-re Dame

Well played – I was thinking … Scrotre Dame Cathedral: Let Your Buttresses Fly

Missionary Position Baptist

The Testi-Clesiastical Church: Baal’s Sack Religious

Baby Got Saddleback

Follow the fold … What about … Young Girth Creationists: Hung Wide Like Jesus

Saint Catheter’s Cathedral

Westminster Grabby

Well, St. Peter’s works already, but I’m gonna go with St. Peter’s Ba-silicone Implants.

Nudist church: http://www.atheistrepublic.com/news/church-promotes-nude-worship-because-jesus-was-born-naked

And finally tonight, in “Zoro-Astronaut” news, a fatwa committee in the United Arab Emirates has proclaimed it immoral and therefore illegal to travel to Mars.  Because of all the immoral acts committed by Muslims, their ambitious, meteoric rise in the space travel community is clearly the most troubling.  

In defense of the Islamic Space program, they’ve been trying to get bits and pieces of their followers into orbit for years.

According to Khaleej Times, the committee released the following statement: (quote) “Such a one-way journey poses a real risk to life, and that can never be justified in Islam.  There is a possibility that an individual who travels to planet Mars may not be able to remain alive there, and is more vulnerable to death.”  But the same could be said of New York City, for a Muslim immigrant, so …

No, the NYPD keeps a close eye on them… makes sure they’re safe.

I think the legislation needs some clarification.  Will a Muslim wishing to kill himself on Mars still be required to purchase a round-trip ticket?  Can he perform exorcisms on possessed Martian Unicorns?  And as long as they’ve got that committee together, and they’ve already come out against the suicide part of suicide bombing … maybe go that extra mile.  The bombing part is pretty bad too.  Just saying.

Fatwa forbids Muslims from living on Mars: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/20/mars-fatwa_n_4823059.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

I guess we’ll have to close on that conundrum.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, Bitches!

And when we come back we’ll push the limits of how many things rhyme with Chronicle.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the few minutes we usually remember to set aside every month to talk up all the great atheist, skeptical and otherwise secular meetups going on around the country and around the world.

A lot of really good stuff coming up in the spring, so I’ll go quick:

Aron Ra; Matt Dillahunty and Seth Andrews are teaming up for the “Unholy Trinity Tour”; they’ll be in Amarillo on March 22nd, Albuquerque on May 3rd and San Antonio on June 28th.  Hopefully they’ll be adding dates and venues, so we’ll try to keep you abreast of that.

http://unitedcor.org/nm/page/unholy-trinity-tour

For our British listeners, the AHS National Convention is coming up on the weekend of March 7th in London.  AC Grayling and Simon Singh top a fantastic guest list.

http://ahsstudents.org.uk/convention/

Also ThinkCon is coming up on March 15th in Cambridge.  The lineup is a great mix of comedians and science popularizers and the topics look fantastic.

http://thinkoutreach.org/ThinkCon/

Back in the states.  Reasonfest welcomes Darrel Ray, Matt Dillahunty, Ed Brayton and many more to Lawrence, Kansas April 4th and 5th,

http://kusoma.org/reasonfest/

You’ve got Freethought Fest 3 coming up in Madison, Wisconsin April 11th to the 13th.  Mythbuster and rationalist extraordinaire Adam Savage is gonna be there this year, which is pretty awesome.

http://freethoughtfestival.org/

But of course, I left out the biggest one of the season.  And no, I’m not talking about the American Atheists National Convention in Salt Lake City on Easter weekend. http://www.atheists.org/convention2014

And I’m not talking about the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism or “NECSS” going on April 12th and 13th in New York City. http://necss.org/necss-2014/schedule/

And I’m also not talking about QED in Manchester on the same weekend. https://qedcon.org/

All those are sure to be fantastic, but the one that the atheist world will be abuzz about is the inaugural ReasonCon in Hickory North Carolina on Saturday, May 3rd.  They’re keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, (PhD); they’ve also got Tracie Harris of Atheist Experience fame, Cash and Love from the hilarious “Atheists on Air” podcast and more.

But perhaps least notably, they’re also the first secular convention that had the guts to invite Heath, Lucinda and myself so we’ll see if we can make ‘em regret that a little.  That’s Saturday, May 3rd, it’s just outside of beautiful Asheville, North Carolina and it’s free

http://mythunderstoodalliance.com/announcing-reasoncon-free/

If you want more info, check the shownotes for episode 54 for links to the homepages of all of these events.  If you’re involved with an atheist event that could use a free plug, let me know.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Poem:

2 Chronicles in Rhyme

Run and grab your monocles, it’s time to read 2 Chronicles,

The fucking thing’s canonical, so we have to read it through.

The task is astronomical, ‘cause it just goes on and on, it’s bull,

So grab a gin and tonic-I’ll, hope that Adam Sandler doesn’t sue.

So when we finished with First Chronicles, David’s kingship was phenomenal,

But now he’s up and gone and all, so Solomon ascends.

He was wise and philosophical, with a penchant to be prodigal,

So he built a house for God with all, the golden odds and ends.

The dedication was symphonical, with musicians all harmonical

It was downright histrionical; it could not be overstated.

But I find it quite ironical, that they praise him as so logical,

His designs weren’t economical, even the gold there was gold plated.

He soon became iconical, so the queen of Sheba thought it optimal

To see if god remembered anatomical, when selecting what to bless.

So she got all theosophical, and he was cooler than a popsicle.

Was the visit conjugal?  Well that’s anybody’s guess.

Rehoboam’s reign was volatile, there was rift damn near tectonic-You’ll,

See the fights were periodic ‘til, the whole kingdom split apart.

Then Abijah got sardonical, and god goes pathological,

He gets divinely gastronomical and kills a million with his fart.

So we’ll keep things chronological, Asa died for trusting hospitals,

Jehoshaphat was nominal, and Ahaziah’s reign was short,

Then his mother went psychotic-All, the heirs were killed methodical,

And though he was nearly embryonic, (a l)ittle kid took royal court.

Amaziah was hedonic, y’all, Uzziah’s death was comical

Ahaz was demonical, Hezekiah had the blues.

Through a devout and patriotic, stall, he slowed the diabolical,

but inevitable obstacle, that would exile all the Jews.

So that’s my poem for Second Chronicles; Sorry it got so neological,

But I’m not hooked on phonics so I’ll, Just say I’ve done my due.

Now my bong needs marijuana, call it dank or hydroponic, hell,

At this point just narcotic’ll be enough to get me through.

Bible Story:

“Run grab the young-uns, folks.  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for Kids!”

Gather round boys and girls!  Today we’re gonna open our Bibles up to Second Samuel and meet one of the Bible’s most powerful superheroes.  Did you know that the Bible had superheroes, boys and girls?

Does it have Spiderman?

No, but some of the superheroes in the bible are even more powerful than Spiderman.

Does it have Batman?

No, because Batman is a lecherous heathen bound for an eternal torment in hell.

Does it have Superman?

Only according to Zac Snyder.  But today we’re gonna talk about a different superhero.  One that you probably never heard of before.  Today we’re gonna talk about Elisha.

Was he bitten by a radioactive spider?

No, Elisha was bitten by a radioactive god.  He was the disciple of another biblical superhero named Elijah and they weren’t gay lovers, even though the bible kind of makes it sound like they were.

Elijah was very powerful, but one day he died and god decided to give all his superpowers to Elisha.  What’s more, god decided to give Elisha even more superpowers.

Could he fly?

No, but he could part rivers like Moses.  He could make a normal spring into a magical healing well and he could cause whole plains to flood when he came across thirsty horses.

Did he have laser vision?

No, but he could strike people blind and he could heal blind people.  And he could turn one loaf of bread into a lot of loaves.

Did he have a cybernetic suit with laser guns and missiles?

No, but he could make a little bit of oil turn into a lot of oil and he could bring people back from the dead.  And if that’s not enough, he could also makes axe-heads float.

Did he fight crime?

Yes he did.  Loitering, to be exact.  You see, one day Elisha was walking by a group of kids not much older than you and they were loitering.  What’s worse, they were also picking on Elisha for being bald.

My mommy says when people call you names, you should walk away.

And that’s exactly what Elisha did.  He walked away… and then used his god powers to summon a few bears to take horrible, bloody vengeance on the kids by ripping their arms and legs off and devouring their torsos while they bled to death screaming in horrible agony.

Because remember, boys and girls, sticks and stones might break your bones, but bears will fucking kill you.

The End.

Outro:

Before we put her in park for the night, I wanted to congratulate our friends over at Secular (dot) FM who raised over two grand for the Foundation Beyond Belief last weekend during their marathon 24 hour live broadcast.  And if you’d like to help add to that February total, you’ll find a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.

Donate to the FBB: http://foundationbeyondbelief.org/

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  We all got to be podcast whores this week so there’s plenty of us to go around.  Heath and I did a guest spot with Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show, Bill and Suzy invited Lucinda and me onto the latest episode of Bar Room Atheists and, of course, all three of us appeared in fits and starts on the most recent episode of the Holy Crap video cast; you’ll find links to all three on the shownotes as well.

Imaginary Friends Show: http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/02/22/ifs-170-nice-fantastic/

Bar Room Atheists: http://barroomatheist.podbean.com/

Holy Crap! Vlogcast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGiA6ZwdeLM

And as if that’s not enough, you can also find all over social media.  Be sure to check us out on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and subscribe to us on YouTube.  If you’re feeling generous with your time, please take a minute to give us a glowing review on iTunes and if you haven’t checked out Stitcher yet, download the free app, listen to us there and add us to your favorites.

Of course, we can’t close things out without thanking Heath for taking time out of his enervating sex life to join us tonight.  Huge thanks to Lucinda for yet another hilarious Bible story and a big thanks to the prodigal daughter and extremely patient Farnsworth quoter tonight, Tiny Tribble.  She doesn’t have a blog or anything and I already promoted her dad’s vlogcast twice in this episode, so I’ll just use this time to thank everyone that’s sent us a Farnsworth quote in the past and is wondering if we’ll ever use it.  Believe me, I really appreciate it and I’m using them more or less in the order they were received.

But of course, most of all I need to shower praise upon this week’s most exceptional hominids, Sakura, Jennifer, James, Cameron, Andrew, Michael, Cat, Richard, Joanna, Caroline, other Richard and Cherie.  Sakura and Jennifer, whose ninjutsu has saved the American coast from more than one hurricane; James and Cameron, who aren’t the dude who made Avatar so I’m still waiting on a refund for that; Andrew and Michael, whose massive cocks will one day unlock the key to space elevator construction; Cat and Richard, whose gravitas compels dogshit to move out of the way of their shoes; Joanna and Caroline, whose wisdom makes Solomon look like a baby-bifurcating bozo; and Richard and Cherie, whose brilliance is so evident that statues are being carved in advance of their historical accomplishments..

This dynamic dozen donors, known throughout the interwebs as the Twelve Apostates, have proved the depth of their apostasy this week by giving us money.  Only the most valiant, noble, silky smooth atheists have the disbelief it takes to give us money, but if you think you can handle the praise, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, donating to our show is like sex; the more practice you get, the better it feels.  So if you’ve donated to the show in the past, please consider doing it again; this time I’ll swallow.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 37 Partial Transcript

October 31, 2013 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final production due to time constraints.

Warning: This podcast contains language that would make the baby Jesus cry.

Sponsor:

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Mention this ad and get half off those big red digital countdown displays Hollywood directors seem to think people actually put on bombs.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s Halloween,

And it looks like a whole bunch of chickens had abortions last night.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from scantily clad New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll remind you in advance that deaf people can’t hear the jokes we make about them,

  • We’ll be one of six programs released today that don’t use any crappy halloween puns,

  • And we’ll delve elbow deep into the gayest book of the bible so far.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe

I really like to argue online.  It’s a largely pointless guilty pleasure and I know that people who post Answers In Genesis inspired memes aren’t doing so in hopes of opening an earnest discussion about faith and philosophy, but I love to do it.

I should point out right up front that I’m talking about arguing, not debating.  If somebody wants to have a genuine discussion about their beliefs that’s great, but I’m not your man.  Debate is important and I believe that it’s a vital form of atheist outreach and I entrust it to people with more experience and patience than myself.

But when it comes to knock down, drag out, fuck you, no fuck you arguing… not to pat my own back or anything, but that’s kind of where I shine.  I don’t think it serves much of a purpose, but damn it if I don’t enjoy the hell out of it.

So the other day I’m surfing through a number of atheism pages on Facebook looking for a troll to crush and I come upon one of the stupidest syllogisms ever offered in this or any other debate.  As I marvelled at the stupidity it took to construct this heresy against reason I tried to catalog everything that made it wrong but it seemed like a formula would be needed… or a calculator and a three dimensional chart or something.

So here it is in all it’s stupid glory:

1. Any position which is unfalsifiable is unscientific

2. Atheism is unfalsifiable.

3. Therefore atheism is unscientific.

Where to start, right?  So before we get to the reason I’m bringing this up, let me just take care of a few of the fatal flaws here.  First of all, atheism isn’t a claim, it’s the rejection of a claim.  Egg salad isn’t falsifiable and yet it exists.  Atheism doesn’t make any claims, it just rejects really stupid ones with insufficient supporting evidence.  So there’s that.

But the far more glaring error here is this inability of theist debaters to recognize the whole meaning of the term “falsifiability”.  So let’s pretend for the moment that atheism is me saying “there definitely isn’t a god”.  It’s not, but for the moment let’s pretend it is.  If you substitute almost any other word for god, it becomes painfully obvious how incredibly “falsifiable” this statement is.  “There definitely isn’t Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”

You see them make this same stupid mistake when they talk about evolution.  Of course, you and I know all about rabbits in the Cambrian and what-not, but you’ll still hear these foaming-at-the-mouth intellectual bodyguards for Jesus claiming that evolution isn’t falsifiable.

The problem is a complete recognition of what science means about “falsifiability”.  We’re talking about the intrinsic quality of falsifiability; theoretical falsifiability.  They’re talking about the ability to prove it wrong.  They’re actually saying, “Evolution isn’t scientific because I can’t prove it wrong.”  They don’t seem to realize that the inability to falsify a theoretically falsifiable statement is the closest damn thing there can possibly be to proof that it is correct.  They’re mistaking falsifiable with falsified.

Yes, you can’t falsify evolution… because it’s fucking correct!  You can’t falsify atheism… because there’s no fucking god!  People have been looking for that elusive bastard for tens of thousands of years at least and still not one shred of credible evidence has arisen to help them out.  And yet they’re trying to act like this fatal flaw somehow bolsters their claim.

And as asinine as it seems to me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the people in the “invisible-man-in-another-dimension-whose-ways-are-too-mysterious-for-you-to-comprehend” camp are fuzzy on the concept of falsifiability.

Headlines

Joining me for Headlines tonight is racist satire aficionado, Heath Enwright.  Heath, which do you prefer; Asians or whites?

I’m glad you asked . . . I’m going with Asians.  I’m uncomfortable with anyone who has “Lee” in their name that isn’t Asian.  Lee Iococca, Lee Harvey Oswald, Robert E. Lee … Nothing but trouble.

I don’t know if I agree with that.  Ang Lee pisses me off and he’s Asian.

In our lead story tonight, the good old boy network that runs the lucrative South Carlonia Christian soup kitchen sector, continues to thwart the existence of secular morality by refusing to employ volunteer atheist ladlers.  And in Onion Headline Form- French Onion Headline Form . . .

“Stewish Mafia Godfather Refuses Atheist Request, Even at Daughter’s Italian Wedding.”

Yeah, so they won’t allow atheists to ladle soup and then they fault them for not doing enough charity work.  It’s like justifying an invasion because the country had weapons of mass destruction after spending decades selling them weapons of mass destruction.  And you’d have to be an idiot to do that… or vote for somebody who had already done that.

Let’s get straight to it.  Lightning Round.  15 seconds on the clock . . .  

Religion Brand Soups, GO!

Jew-cumber soup?… no fuck, wait… that’s just Matzah ball soup.

“Schismed Pea with Ham” … or “Crock of Shit, Pee with Ham”  

Well we can’t do beans and pasta because God Hates Fagioli…

Shark of the Covenant Fin

Cream of Altar Boy.  (known to our Scottish listeners as “Cock-a-leekie”)

Maybe some atheist brands … Manhattan Scam Doubter … Nietzsche-Soise.  

Maybe Bouillabaisse-ic logic?

Christianity: Bouillabaissed on a Jew story . . .

Not sure if this fits, but atheist stem cell researchers call their inputs “Egg Drop Soup”

No Soup for you: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/23/south-carolina-soup-kitchen-director-bans-atheist-volunteers-saying-they-would-be-a-disservice-to-this-community/

And in “Did I mention I’m a Monday through Friday Adventist?” news tonight, Christian egotist and person whose name is too goofy for a character in Hunger Games Celestina Mba is suing for the right of all religious people to have days off when god tells them too.

Rabbis work every Saturday, and Priests work every Sunday.  Religion’s entire corporate structure breaks that rule every week.  What the fuck?!?  

And yet she was fired from her job after refusing to work Sundays.  After extreme poverty left her apparently unable to buy a vowel, Mba sued.

Not too many black women with MBA at the end of their name.

Ouch… The court ruled on the side of fucking off.  Pointing out that fucking off was also against her religion, she appealed the verdict and now seeks to take it to a higher court.

Then she plans on suing the NFL for refusing to hire Christians.  I hope they schedule all her court appearances on Sundays for secular spite.  

Invoking the bafflingly common Christian mantra of “treating everyone the same discriminates against Christians”, an attorney working on Mba’s behalf points out that the courts allow people to wear religious bracelets and have religious haircuts, so how is that any different than this almost completely unrelated issue?

That’s literally part of their argument.  If black people get corn rows, we get Sundays off.

Christian sues for right not to work on Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/24/christian-employee-seeks-appeal-for-refusing-to-work-on-sundays/

And from the “Ears In Heaven, Hell in Keller” file, Pat Robertson explains that being deaf is your mother’s fault, faith healing is like Santa Claus, and only God can heal people.  Also, Pat Robertson can heal people.  

And barring that, he can say shit that will make you not mind being deaf.

This particular tribute to religion and senility began when the mother of a deaf person asked why prayer wasn’t restoring function to the axons and dendrites in her son’s ears.  Robertson – chief auditory neurologist of “The 700 Club” – explained that deaf people’s prayers tend to be badly enunciated.  But if the speech-capable mother was praying too, she must be holding the wand wrong or something.

Or perhaps she hadn’t properly arranged the entrails before the bloody altar.  Or maybe she forgot to click her heels together three times.

My first instinct tells me she forgot to rebuke the spirit of deafness.  Robertson agreed, saying (quote) “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed and so I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” (end quote)  You gotta really rebuke it nice and loud.  She probably didn’t rebuke loud enough.  

This animated cadaver is an endless pipeline of crazy.  Every week it’s something even more insultingly stupid than the last.  Now he’s claiming that not only can he heal deaf people with a magical incantation but that it has such a high success rate that he’s literally baffled that someone else is unable to do it.  We’re talking about a Jesus-level miracle and he’s acting like she can’t reset the time on her phone.

He continued: “Listen up, deaf listeners.  Faith healing is just like Santa Claus.  He’s got a pack on his back and he has gifts and he’s passing these gifts out but they come from God.  Only God can heal people … and also me.  And if you really need those ears right away, there’s always a letter to the north pole, or a journey down the yellow brick road to see the wizard.”       

Pat Robertson and Jesus could have cured Helen Keller: http://www.christianpost.com/news/pat-robertson-tells-mother-i-dont-know-what-youre-doing-wrong-he-can-cure-deafness-107454/

And in the Pubic Defender file tonight, I was ecstatic this week to find that the following headline and subsequent news item was not from a satire site, “British taxpayers foot three hundred and fifty thousand pound legal bill for Muslim Pubic hair battle”.

350,000 pounds – That’s a lot of pubes.  

The story centers around a mentally disabled 30 year old woman and her parent’s two year battle to shave her pubes.

Well we Americans wasted a lot more money than that on our retarded bush problems.         

Way better than my stab at ‘W’… well done.  So apparently Muslim tradition requires that women shave their pubes, which shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows anything about Muhammad’s child-fucking proclivities.  But since their severely handicapped daughter isn’t under their care and the person who is caring for her is a bit uncomfortable about the idea of two adults she doesn’t know making aesthetic changes to her genital region, they took it to court.

Isn’t this just a simple case of what man owns her?

Well we’ll never know because days before the scheduled hearing, after hundreds of thousands of dollars had been spent preparing for the case, the parents unexpectedly dropped the suit leading to one of the greatest understatements in legal history.  Justice Roderic Wood who pointed out that (quote) “…there are many competing cases of equal if not greater urgency than this one.”

Yeah, there’s an Orthodox Jew with Tourette’s who wants to bleach her asshole.

Muslim parents sue for right to shave their retarded daughter’s pubes: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/10396170/Taxpayers-foot-350k-legal-bill-for-Muslim-pubic-hair-battle.html

And in “What’s the worst that could… How did we do an entire story about religious people and their pubes, without an Occam’s Razor joke?!?

We’re losing our… edge?  Shit… I guess that lame joke is exhibit B.

And in “What’s the worst that could happen?” news, a twelve-year-old girl hanged herself to be with her dead father in heaven, only to find out she forgot to read the fine print about suicide, and now she’s either in hell, or just normal secular dead.

True story: Friend of the show Eli Bosnick posted this story on his Facebook wall and some Christian asshat comes back and says, “Well if somebody had told her suicide was a mortal sin, this never would have happened.”  Yeah… that’s the metaphysical fuck up here.  But Eli posed the right question.  If you honestly think she’s in Heaven now, didn’t she do the right thing?  And if you honestly think that your god would stick this little girl in hell, why would you praise him?

Every parent needs to know about an important principle.  It’s bad to kill your child with lies … AND … it’s also bad to kill them with truths.  Lacsap’s Wager tells us that even if you believe in the afterlife, you might as well teach your children about reality, just to be sure they don’t hang themselves.  Decomposing in a box next to daddy, isn’t nearly as glamorous as the express escalator to heaven.

That kid is back on the escalator to heaven: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/27/to-be-with-her-father-in-heaven-girl-12-commits-suicide/

Man am I glad that story’s over.  And finally tonight, in “We put the organ in organic” news, a website that doesn’t remotely seem like a credible news source is reporting that the Hasidic yeshiva of Gur has banned students from eating soy-based products, fearing soy might lead to gay sex.

Fossilized human remains in Asia show that people were using edamame as anal beads . . . Or possibly just eating edamame.  Point being, Jew rules about gays aren’t an exact science.  They kind of just spray at the wall and see what sticks.

Officials at the school warn that even one soy based product a week can lead to unwanted arousal, which goes a long way toward explaining Japanese porn.  They warn that soy contains magical circle-jerk hormones.

Which is true, if graded on a Hasidic Rabbi bullshit curve.

Rabbi bans soy because it may cause gay sex: http://www.yourjewishnews.com/2013/10/n29787.html?m=1

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.

All this nihilism is exhausting.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in wishing that god appreciated word economy.

Poem

I read One Samuel and the whole time I was thinking to myself, “hey, this should make for a pretty easy poem.  It tells a linear story, it makes sense, there’s a cornucopia of characters, a lot of shit rhymes with Sam and Saul…”

So I guess that it shouldn’t have surprised me at all that somebody already wrote a perfectly good poem about this particular book of the bible and far be it from me to try to outdo a master of the poetic arts.  So with apologies to the original author, I present to you… 1 Samuel:

I am Sam.

I am Sam.

Sam I am.

That Sam-I-am!

That Sam-I-am!

Do you like the Philistines?

I do not like those Philistines,

For god has said they are unclean,

I want to do things really mean,

To every single Philistine.

Would you like them Here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I thought that god had made it clear,

We should take to them the sword and spear.

We should slaughter each one like a lamb,

Because I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

Would you like them in a house?

We should burn them in their house,

We should plague them with a mouse.

We should kill each child and spouse,

And treat them like a pubic louse.

We should catch their sheep and goats,

Kill their herds and burn their boats,

We should do what god denotes,

And slit their motherfucking throats.

I do not give a tinker’s damn,

I just don’t like them, Sam-I-Am.

Would you like them in a box?

Well sure, as long as that thing locks.

Plague them with a burning pox,

Feed them to a hungry fox,

With their normal, human, uncut cocks.

Would you like them with a van?

Am I mincing words here, man?

I would not like them in a van.

I would not like them in a can.

I despise each member of their clan.

I would not like them in a house,

I would not like them with a mouse,

I would not like them with a fox,

I would not like them wearing socks,

I would not like them in the night,

I would not like them in the light,

In no death would I find more delight…

Except for those Amalekites.

Babble

By far the most interesting book so far in the bible, 1 Samuel employs things like wordplay, foreshadowing, story arch

…and gay sex…

in a way that has been lacking since the last few chapters of Genesis.  And while the story is still horrible and largely immoral, it’s a much better read than the shit we’ve waded through to get here.

Yeah against all odds, they manage to limbo under the St. Louis Gateway Arch

So to help us break down yet another 66th of this book is my lovely wife, Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Hi ya!

Why don’t you start us off with… let’s say Chapter one.

  1. First we meet Hannah, whose husband Elkanah preferred her to his other wife even though his other wife had kids.

    1. Right. So she prays to god to have a son (because fuck daughters) and promises if god will grant her a son, she’ll give him to the priesthood.  So basically she wanted all the fun of childbirth without tedium of having an offspring.

    2. So god does and she does and this kid is the titular Samuel.

  2. So little Sam ends up ministering with Phineas and Ferb, the sons of Eli..

    1. Phineas and Hophni

    2. That’s what I said.  Anyway, these guys are really shitty priests that abuse their power and god’s only willing to overlook that shit for so long.

    3. At least one century in the case of Catholic pedophiles.

  • I thought the first rabbi to start signing tits was Matisyahu, but apparently these guys had ethnic groupies way back.  And what’s the point in running a tabernacle, if you can’t fuck the sluts that work the front door, right?  Eli gets mad, and yells at his sons: “This isn’t a restaurant…You don’t fuck the barely legal hostesses.  What did we just talk about?!?”  

  1. Then the Philistines show up and attack because that’s what Philistines do.  The Jews get their asses kicked and they’re all like, “Hey, why you reckon god would have let them kick our asses like that?”

    1. So to find out they order that the Ark of the Covenant be brought to the battlefield so they could walkie-talkie heaven for help.  But then the Philistines just say, “Hey, look, it’s a box with god in it.  Kill them and take it.”  And then do.

    2. Phineas and Ferb die in the battle and when Eli hears about that he says, “meh…” but then the messenger says, “Oh yeah, and they took Indiana Jones’ box, too” he freaks out, falls over and breaks his neck.

    3. And Phineas’ wife hears about everybody dying and the godbox going missing so she freaks out, shits out the kid she’d been baking and dies too.

  2. So they take the ark to Ashdod and put it in the temple next to a statue of their god; god decapitates the statue, gives them some cancer, you know, normal god stuff.

    1. And for seven months they keep taking it to this city or that one and every time they do everybody gets cancer or something and they move it again.

  • Little did they know, the Jews switched the God-Box, for a box of weapons-grade plutonium they got from the Ralien Lizard-People during the redacted book after Leviticus, rumoured to be called Atomic Numbers.  

  1. So the Philistines call up the Jews and say, “Here take your fucking box back already, this shit sucks.”

    1. But the Jews won’t just take it back and lift the curse or anything.  They start going all “Knights that say Neek” on them and ask for… I shit you not… five golden mice and five golden tumors.  TUMORS!  They ask them to make molds of their tumors and cover them in gold or god won’t lift his curse.

  • “And not too expensive, but the following items must be covered in gold.  We want five gilded lillies- shit no that feels like a mistake.  Five . . . mice . . . and five . . . malignant tumors this time, you cheaters.”

  1. Then they get the ark back and everyone rejoices.

  2. Then all the people show up begging Samuel to appoint a king.  Because, you know, people are always wanting to be ruled over by tyrants.

    1. And Samuel tries to talk them out of it.  “He’ll be a dick and he’ll take their cattle and their slaves and all their best stuff and he’ll march them out to die in battle for him.”

    2. And the people are like, “Yeah, that’s cool.  We just really, really want a dictator, who will later control how history records this moment in time.”

  3. Now we meet Saul who is supremely qualified to be a king since he’s both tall and handsome.

  • I’ve always said I’d rule the Jews well.  I’m at least half qualified.        

    1. So Saul is wandering around all of Israel looking for his dad’s donkeys when he runs into Samuel, who makes him king in full blown “Kung Fu Panda” style.

    2. The “King of Israel can’t find his ass with both hands” joke is too easy, huh?

  1. So Sammy boy announces Sauls king-ness and everybody says, “Well, sure… he’s tall.”

  • This chapter gets pretty gay pretty fast.  Starts out with Samuel pouring oil on Saul while they make out.  Then Samuel tells Saul to go meet two men in a graveyard who will give up those asses he’s been searching for.  Just say, “I’m Saul, and I’m here to trap that ass.”  And then it ends with Saul’s disappointed dad saying, “What shall I do about my son?” … Just another gay in the life.

    1. And then chapter 10 closes off with a quick “Meanwhile” aside: Meanwhile, there was an evil Ammonite king that was gouging out the right eye of all the Reubenites and Gadites.

  1. Then the Ammonite king attacks Jabesh-Gilead and the people try to make peace with him and they say “Alright, evil king, what are your terms?” and he replies, “I want to poke all of your right eyes out.  It’s kind of my thing.”  So they think about it and say, “Give us a week.”

    1. And when Saul hears about this, he gets so pissed he hacks his oxen to death and then mails chunks of them around the country because, as we’ve seen before, chopped up bits of dead thing sent UPS is the best way to rally Jews.

  • Some of the Jews must have got the package late though, right?  Guy walks into the kitchen with his right eye in his hand: “Honey, did you forget to give me this decomposing hoof we got in the mail yesterday?  Cause I thought we all agreed to the gouge plan, and here I can plainly half-see that you still have both your eyes.  Kind of an important message.”  

    1. So they defeat the Ammonite king that seems to have shown up for no reason but to give Saul an ass to kick.

  1. So here’s Chapter 12 in nine words: “Whose house?  God’s house!  Said whose house?  God’s house!”   

  2. So now Saul is feeling big-dicked so he says, fuck it, let’s wipe out all the Philistines, which would have been fine, but he fucked up some ritual animal slaughter minutia so god abandoned him.

  3. And just when you’re thinking, “Hey, this book isn’t too bad”, chapter 14 brings us more genocide and some divine retribution for honey eating.

    1. Yeah.  It all starts when Saul’s son Jonathon and his gay lover provoke a war.

    2. But Saul curses anyone who eats that day and nobody tells Johnny, so he eats a drop of honey (off the spear he’s been killing people with) and for that he’s sentenced to (almost) die… Then the army feasts on sheep sushi.

  4. In chapter 15 god puts that whole “all-knowing” thing to rest once and for all when he starts regretting making Saul king.

    1. Right, and why does he regret it?  Because when he tells Saul to wipe out all the Amalekites, he keeps a few of the cattle alive.  And that’s the last straw dammit.

  5. No surprise that Saul isn’t exactly anxious to give back supreme authority so he tells Samuel to fuck off.  Then god commands Samuel to go find David and anoint him king.

    1. So now Saul’s tormented by evil spirits and his servants say, “You know what helps with evil spirits?  Lyre-playing.  And you know who absolutely wails on a lyre?  David.”  Coincidence, or terrible literary foreshadowing?

  • David could finger a liar better than Martha Stewart’s cell mate.  Better than Lance Armstrong’s giving himself a steroid suppository.  He could finger a liar better than a Jewish witness at the Nuremberg Trials.  

    1. David goes to pluck Saul’s lyre and apparently he’s quite nimble indeed so Saul keeps him on to (ahem) carry his armor, wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more.

    2. Well if you mean “make David his gay sex slave that he would later share with his son and daughter”, then yes, I know exactly what you mean.  

  1. Then we get David and Goliath, where, spoiler alert, David kills Goliath with a slingshot.  And even though you know exactly what’s coming, it still manages to disappoint you.  They spend 40 days throwing down epic biblical shit talk and then David pulls his pansy-assed Dennis the Menace coup de grace.

  2. Now Saul’s worried that David will take his job, so he makes him his right hand man, tries to spear him a couple times, sells him his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins and asks his son Jonathan to kill him.

  • You always hear people using the phrase “back of dicks” rhetorically.  But at some point this guy was very literally carrying a fairly sizable bag of dicks.  Because David got cocky, and came back with two hundred foreskins.  Probably grabbed entire dicks first, then did the individual brisses later.  

  • “This is only 199.” … “Those 2 are stuck together.”   

  1. Meanwhile, David’s kicking ass left and right.  His armies are whipping way more Philistine ass than anybody else’s so Saul gets even more jealous…

  • Yeah they even wrote a song about how David was an order of magnitude better at genocide than Saul.  Nobody likes to hear they’re less good at murdering other races, by such a large margin.  

    1. So after the third or fourth time Saul tries to spear David, he says “You know, I think this guy who keeps lunging at me spear first is trying to kill me,” and he escapes.

    2. So he finds Samuel and they get together and cast some kind of frenetic nakedness spell so that anybody who tries to come to get David strips and falls into a “prophetic frenzy”… not sure what that means, but it sounds fun.

  1. In chapter 20 I’m pretty sure we confirm that David and Saul’s son Jonathan were gay lovers, just in case the butt sex scenes were ambiguous.

  2. So David finds a priest and  asks him for some bread.  He says he doesn’t have normal bread, but he does have a little magical abstinence bread.

  • “Hello random Zelda apothecary, selling exactly the items I might need.  Got any food for celibate fugitives, and maybe a mythical weapon, ideally formerly owned by my legendary vanquished nemesis?  You have Honzo swords too? Wicked!”   

  1. So David gathers an army of 400 malcontents and then Saul kills some priests.

  2. Chapter 23 is basically a montage episode.  Saul continues to be an asshole, still trying to kill David for banging his son.  Also, David bangs his son again.  

  3. So David and his men are hiding in a cave.  Saul and his men are closing in on them.  Saul steps into a cave to take a shit and it just so happens to be the cave David and his men are in.

    1. Yeah, but David can’t bring himself to kill Saul because he loves him so much, so he just fires his gun in the air and goes “Argh!”… or the biblical equivalent thereof.

  • What kind of crazy intense shit was he taking, that he didn’t notice another entire human being standing next to him, sawing off a square of his clothing?!?

  1. And then Samuel dies.  There’s still 6 chapters and a whole other book named after this dude, and he doesn’t even have the decency to live through them.

    1. Then David sends his men to some rich dude to ask for bread.  He tells them to fuck off so David has god kill him and then he takes the dude’s wife.

    2. …and another wife.  Plus he already had a wife.

  • And Saul makes a feeble attempt at spiting David: “You think you can fuck me, fuck my son, then buy my daughter for a bag of dicks?  Well I sold her to another dude while you were gone, and I’m keeping the dicks as a security deposit.”  

  1. And in 26 we learn that  the authors liked chapter 24 so much that they did it again two chapters later… and in a field instead of a cave.  And Saul was sleeping instead of shitting.  But other than that it’s the same.

  • Yeah, David’s supposed to be the protagonist here, but he’s making the mistakes of a Bond villain … or Daffy Duck.  Shoot him now or wait till you get home?!?  Always shoot him now!  Otherwise chapter 27 happens, and that’s the last thing a Jewish guy wants to do.  

  1. Chapter 27: David hides in Palestine for 16 months…

  2. Then the Philistines amass a huge army, Saul all like, “God, what do I do?” but God won’t answer or return his texts or anything.

    1. And then we get our first biblical seance, which, if I’m not mistaken and I probably am, is the first real mention of an afterlife in this whole book.  Strange that it wouldn’t have been an emphasis to this point…

    2. Yeah, you knew Samuel was gonna Obi-Wan Kenobi his way back into the story.

    3. Right, so the ghost of Sammy boy shows up to tell Saul he’s fucked.

  3. Then you get some Typical bible stuff . . . Rape, plunder, evil Amalekites, village pillaged, so everyone’s pissed and starts yelling at David.  He says, “Everybody shut up, I know what to do.  Bring me . . . The Prayer Smock.”  So he wears the ephod apron thing, and god tells him they’ll succeed in recovering their rape victims, and might even get some 50 shekel checks out of the whole ordeal.     

  4. And in the proto-Empire Strikes Back ending, this book wraps up with Saul falling in battle along with all his heirs, the Israelite armies getting massacred and the promised land falling into enemy hands.

Damn do I hope 2 Samuel doesn’t have Ewoks.

Well I guess we’ll find out that and more on the next installment of “The Holy Babble”.  Until then, thanks again Heath, Lucinda.

Outro

Before we put a lid on this thing tonight, I wanted to make a quick announcement that should be accompanied by a chorus of angelic trumpets, we did get the CafePress shop up and running this weekend.  It’s a little messy in there but when I find some time this weekend we’ll be getting it organized.  We’ve got the lovely scarlet A logo slapped on everything from Tshirts to iPhone covers to shot glasses to Christmas ornaments to bumper stickers so you can show your filthy monkey heritage with pride.  We’ll be adding new products and t-shirt designs throughout the season so be on the look out for that.

You’ll find a link to our online shop on the homepage or you can cut out the middleman and go straight to “CafePress (dot) com (slash) scathingatheist”.

I also wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s calendar section.  I mentioned the upcoming and stupendously awesome Skepticon but I said it was going to be in Springfield, Illinois.  I fucked that up.  It’s Springfield, Missouri, not Springfield Illinois… it’s also not Springfield, Florida or Springfield, Kentucky.  Or Springfield, South Dakota.  Or Springfield, Oregon, Tennessee, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio, Georgia, Massachusetts or Nebraska, all of which actually exist but aren’t the city where Skepticon 6 is going to be.  It’ll be in Springfield, Missouri, so know your Springfields and sorry that I didn’t.

I also wanted to add a quick addition to last week’s calendar if you’re going to be in the San Antonio area on November 12th you can catch Executive Director of the Council for Secular Humanism Tom Flynn at an event sponsored by the San Antonio Coalition of Reason and the Freethought Association of Central Texas (great acronym, by the way).  You’ll find links to the the event page on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freethinkers-Association-of-Central-Texas/146015608750987?ref=ts&fref=ts

Need to very quickly thank the many people who make this podcast possible every week.  Huge thanks to Heath, Lucinda and, of course, Sam for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.

Oh, and a huge thanks to everybody who Tweeted (at) Ricky Gervais trying to get a Farnsworth quote out of him.  No response yet, but keep up the good work.  You’ll be rewarded for it in the no-afterlife.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most irreplaceable expressions of genetic code, Michael, Mike, Josh, Ryan and Matthew.  Michael, whose blood is so pure mosquitoes cut it with baking soda; Mike, whose mind is so sharp it splits neutrinos; Josh, whose wisdom is so great that he reeled at the thought of splitting neutrinos; Ryan, whose penis is so massive it bends light and Matthew, whose confidence is so great he doesn’t need any of my over-the-top platitudes.

These five fine fellow freethinkers have gone above and beyond the high water mark of human decency this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the compassion, the integrity and the raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you can handle the enormous pressure such heroic acts often entail, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And you should really donate because we just found out our cat has diabetes and Lucinda’s pretty bummed about it and people giving her money makes her happy.

And unfortunately we’re out of time so I can’t remind you to give the show a 5 star review on iTunes, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on You-Tube, listen to us on Stitcher and tell your friends about us, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have time to tell you that stuff next week.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 22: Partial Transcript

July 18, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Deuteromino’s Pizza.  Try some of our angelic wings, our cheese’s crust,  or a delicious salad with all the cruci-fixins.  Every pie is sliced by Christ, just for you.

Deuteromino’s: Delivering you from evil in 30 generations or less.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s July 18th and during Ramadan, Muslims are like Mogwais in reverse.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from sweltering New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode;

  • We’ll learn that Deuteronomy is really repetitive,

  • We’ll learn that Deuteronomy is really repetitive,

  • And we’ll have to turn off the window unit while we record

But first, the Diatribe…

Diatribe:

This past Saturday, Heath and I were invited to emcee a roast for a mutual friend that was moving out of town.

We were delighted to do it, but the guy we were roasting is exactly the kind of guy you hate to roast: He has no flaws.  He’s in good shape, he’s good looking, he’s confident, he’s talented, he’s intelligent and he seems to have a new woman on his arm every weekend.  Not exactly the cornucopia of personal defects that you hope for in a roast victim.  So most of us were forced to make jokes about the number of different women he’d slept with in the time we knew him.

Now,  it’s a roast and in a roast the guest of honor isn’t the only one that gets ripped on.  Everybody rips on everybody and that’s the fun of it.  We make fat jokes about the fat guy, we make bald jokes about the bald guy, we make timid jokes about the black guy.  And I’m the atheist guy so they make atheist jokes about me.

It’s a roast.  I’m a good sport about this stuff so I smile and I laugh along.  Hell, I started making jokes about god early on so I wasn’t about to take anything said about me or my beliefs personally.  But there was one brief exchange in the roast that I thought was worth reflecting on.

Before we get to the exchange, I need to play a clip to set it up.  It’s a skit I wrote that revolved around a mock-scrapbook of memorabilia that I was leafing through:

(First Sound Clip)

A little later, the dude that we all knew was gonna bomb was up.  It was an awkward four minutes of him trying to figure out why he’d volunteered for this and as he wrapped up, he closed by turning to me and making corrections regarding two things I’d said that evening:

(Second Sound Clip)

Like I said, it’s a roast.  I definitely didn’t take his little “believe in god” aside personally.  Earlier in the night one guy did a mock dialogue where I tried to explain the intellectual justification for my atheism to Saint Peter (which was actually fucking hilarious) and another guy thanked me for providing an example of atheism that would lead so many people to Christ.  It’s a roast.  That’s the point.

And if the only time a Christian had ever said to me “You should try believing in god” was during a roast, I wouldn’t have bothered to reflect on it at all.  But I think we’ve all heard this or the equivalent of this plenty of times before.  You say “I’m an atheist” and somebody just stares at you wide-eyed and jaw agape and offers an incredulous, “Really!?”

It’s hard to imagine this kind of reaction to other groups.  It’s hard to imagine a person saying, “Have you tried not being a Jew?” or, “Muslim, huh?  How the fuck did that happen?” or “Did you become a Christian because Buddha disappointed you?” but in at least most of this country, when you meet an atheist it’s socially acceptable to throw holy water at them and yell “The power of Christ compels you!”

In the interest of fairness, there are also plenty of places in this country where you’d get the same blank-faced stare if you said you were Christian.  Places like institutions of higher learning, science labs and the East Village.  And in the parts of this country where I grew up you could earn such a stare for any answer to the faith question other than “Baptist”, so we’re not the only ones who face this kind of shit.

That being said, I think it’s fair to say that through most of America, atheist is the only religious choice that people feel no social qualms about trying to talk you out of.  And I think it says a lot about religious people that they’re more comfortable with you having a religion that is irreconcilable with their own than they are with you having no religion at all.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who needs an introduction, Heath Enwright.  Heath, you’ve been introduced.  Say something to all the listeners.

I’d like to apologize for a Sarah Palin joke last week that mentioned her son Trig, who happens to have Down’s Syndrome.  He’s actually a lot brighter than you might think.  He’s only 5 years old, and he’s already reading as many newspapers as his mother.

All of them?

In our lead story tonight, it turns out that despite rumors to the contrary, atheists are normal humans.  And apparently a lot of people were waiting for some hard data before they were willing to make this call.

Well, not quite normal.  Apparently we do have a normal ‘personality distribution’ . . .

But our atheist group has statistically better IQ test-taking ability, or IQ.  

We’re also – by definition – better at ontology, and that’s really the crux of the whole argument, isn’t it?

Yes, but the study was not without its flaws.  It sloppily categorized nonbelievers into 6 groups and the divisions prejudiced the fuck out of their conclusions.  Some of the categories made sense; they separate out “Seeker Agnostic” and “Non-Theist”, which they define as a person who is completely apathetic to religion.  But after that shit gets pretty wonky.

Like Gene-Wilder-as-Willy Wonky . . .  

The whole study seems like a confused attempt at examining a superior race of aliens.  

Were they hoping to use atheist stem cells to help cure faith cancer?  Like real faith healing?  

Not sure where they were going, but I don’t think they got there.  Here are three separate categories of non-believer, according to University of Tennessee researchers: “The kind of atheist that reads books and learns stuff”, “the kind of atheist who is an activist” and “The kind of atheist who thinks religion is harmful to society”.  They actually treat those three characteristics as though they were mutually exclusive.

Doesn’t it seem like the study was conceived by the characters from Lord of the Flies?  

One of the kids says “Hey I think I should explain what a Venn Diagram is.”

“Put that nerd’s head on a stick!!!”  

Right, and because they ignored Piggy,they were able to make some insanely stupid statements like “activist atheists are the least narcissistic” and “anti-theists are the most angry and dogmatic”, without bothering to point out that since these two qualities almost always co-exist in a single human, they’re using shit like dogmatism and narcissism to define the fucking categories in the first place.

These guys love them some Juicy Juice logic.  

“But it says what I’m saying on the tele-prompter, and in the fictional book about which we’re arguing.”

In all, I suppose I have to be happy that they’re not treating “thinks god is bullshit” as an abhorrent monolith.

Study shows that nonbelievers are as diverse in personality as any other group: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/07/02/atheism-study-authors-congratulations-non-believers-youre-just-like-everybody-else/

And in a transparent attempt to force Heath and I to make testicle jokes tonight, Ball State made waves this week by hiring one Guillermo Gonzalez as a new professor of astronomy despite his 2004 authorship of a book that pretends that intelligent design is valid science.

When he gets fired for lying on his resume about being a scientist, the headline will surely read: “Ball Sacks Nutty Professor”  

Heath Enwright, king of the ball joke.

Apparently “The Privileged Planet” was bad enough to prompt 120 faculty members at Iowa State to sign a petition renouncing it when it was rumored he would be working there.  Gonzalez claims this was a political move and that a single blogger who isn’t even an astronomer was responsible for it.  So yeah, not only does he believe god made shingles on purpose, but he also believes that one blogger can be responsible for a petition of 120 people.

And why would the blogger (or anyone else) need to be an astronomer to know that intelligent design is complete nonsense?  

Is he suggesting we should go check with the astronomy community, and they’ll back him up on the intelligent design thing?!?  

What’s worse, this news comes on the heels of another non-testicular reason to make fun of Ball State.  There’s also an ongoing investigation into Ball State assistant professor of physics Eric Hedin who is accused of essentially teaching a Creationism class in the science department.

Shouldn’t teaching wrong things – in any class anywhere – be considered a bad thing?

Also, gotta squeeze more testicle headline jokes in here while we can . . .

It’d be a slap in the face not to.  There’s plenty of low hanging fruit.

Facing Hairy Situation, Ball Trims Staff.

More of a sticky situation.

There’s a new wrinkle everywhere you look.

Now Ball clearly has two dicks.

Feeling His Taint, Ball Gives Hedin Shaft.

What can I say, you’re the king.

Ball State hires creationist professor: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/07/09/ball-state-comes-under-scrutiny-for-hiring-professor-who-wrote-book-on/

And in this week’s child-fucking report, the UN’s Committee on the Rights of the Child has posed a list of tough questions to the Vatican in preparation for the stern talking to they’ll be giving them next January over the systematic child rape, child torture and consequent global cover up that has come to define the papacy in recent years.

Define is a strong word . . .

But “Rape Scandal Blues” is definitely track 1 side 1 of the Vatican’s greatest hits.  

I like the older stuff, but they seem to prefer the younger stuff, and that’s illegal.  

As insubstantial as a voluntary meeting with a group that has no enforcement powers may seem, this will actually represent the first time that any international panel has had the chance to publicly question the Holy See about the scandal.

“Did you guys rape those kids?”

“No, no, no,  . . . a bit . . . we did do the nose . . .”   —  “Many of them had headaches!”

The Vatican, for its part, is quick to ensure the UN that they are doing everything necessary to keep pedophiles away from kids, they’ve weeded out the bad seeds, they’ve definitely stopped running slave-laundries in Ireland and they can totally prove it.  But they can also totally pull out of the treaty on the Rights of the Child, so they’re gonna definitely do one or the other.

Too bad they didn’t pull out of those kids assholes when asked nicely the first time.  

I think I understand part of the confusion though.  

In the Bible, know means begat, but in the real world, No means No.  

So these weren’t rapes as much as homo-phone issues.  Just a little case of consent getting lost in translation.    

UN probes Vatican child abuse scandal: http://uk.reuters.com/article/2013/07/10/uk-vatican-abuse-un-idUKBRE9690LK20130710

And in “How the fuck are we even discussing this?” news, the Senate may soon consider a revision to FEMA policy that would allow untaxed houses of worship to collect federal disaster relief money.

FEMA doesn’t have time for this.    

They’re just barely started with fishing te black people out of New Orleans harbor.  

Also, I thought those houses of worship were designed more intelligently, to withstand even the most catastrophic acts of intelligent design.      

Under current law, federal disaster relief can only be used to rebuild and repair homes, businesses and infrastructure.  And since churches aren’t necessary, should be insured and can go fuck themselves, they’re left to fend for themselves with hopes that the combination of not being taxed and selling a product that doesn’t exist for money that does will be enough to keep them through hard times.

Yeah what’s the overhead on selling indulgences?  Not getting a good enough markup on those lies?  They manage to get people to pay today for an impossible hamburger they won’t get until after they die on Tuesday.  How fucking dumb do you have to be?!   

But thanks to the bi-partisan pandering of Republican Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri and Democratic bitch that I actually voted for Kirsten Gillibrand, all of that could change.  Both our tax dollars and our potential future disaster relief might be diverted to characters from Jew-sop’s fables.

How are churches going to learn to compete in the free market economy?  

You know the competitive marketplace loved so dearly by the political party they hijacked?  

But don’t worry, the bill does stipulate that the federal money could only be used to cover the costs of the building itself, the doors, the windows, the building envelope, physical plant support spaces, electrical, plumbing, heating, ventilation, air-conditioning, sprinkler systems and related site improvements.  So apparently they’re not allowed to use federal money to buy bibles or pay off sex abuse victims but everything else would be okay.

Didn’t think this would need mentioning or repeating, but money is fungible.  The $10,000 FEMA check stolen from secular taxpayers, is very similar in value to 10,000 different dollars.  

By the same token, giving the church 40,000 taxpayer quarters, or 100,000 taxpayer dimes would also clearly violate the First Amendment.

Senate may lift House of Worship ban on FEMA: http://www.christianpost.com/news/us-senate-may-take-up-bill-to-lift-fema-ban-on-aid-to-churches-100094/

And finally tonight, we bring you the story of the this month’s greatest sleight against god.  Montage of crazy YouTube preachers, would you care to guess what it was?

(Soundclip)

No, I’m sorry, while I’m sure that all those things pissed him off, he also got snubbed from a Sam Adams commercial this month.

Snubbing God in your beer commercial  . . . Always a good decision.

This might be the best God snubbing decision since Roe v. Wade.

The ad in question uses a brief appended quote from the Declaration of Independence, with the spokesman saying that people were (quote) “endowed with certain unalienable rights” while conspicuously leaving out the part about those certain unalienable rights coming from a magical man-fairy.

You said “coming from a magical man-fairy” . . .

Sounds like a Joseph on Joseph version of the immaculate conception.  

Those type of conceptions do tend to be immaculate.

Imagine how much better the world would be if abortion had been legal when God went all Roethlisberger on Mary?

Yeah, even the conservatives tend to make exceptions in the case of incest and rape and that was both.

Was that God’s first time too, by the way?  Did God lose his virginity during a magical rape when he was over 1000 years old?    

And proving once more that there is no rung of pettiness under which religious people can’t limbo, the Sam Adams facebook page was bombarded by Christian jizz-rinsers demanding that the company love and fear the lord, our god, and threatening to boycott the brand if they don’t issue an apology to Jesus.

The beer is named after Sam Adams so why didn’t they just use the founding father’s actual, documented opinions on religion?  

Tell me this wouldn’t move some brew:  “Sam Adams’ Beer; because Catholicism ‘leads directly to the worst anarchy and confusion, civil discord, war and bloodshed’.  Please drink responsibly.”

Idiots pissed about beer commercial not paying homage to god: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/business/2013/07/samuel-adams-defends-ad-omitting-god-reference/

Poem:

“Deuteronomy in Rhyme”

by Noah Lugeons

Deuteronomy’s on to me, I’ve got say, honestly;

I’m not paying the bible the attention I wanna be.

It’s long and it’s dull and it’s so full of bull,

that the stress of the process is hurting my skull.

I’m plodding through and I’m human; I’ve got shit to do, man.

I can’t study each verse like a Hassidic Jew can,

So I skim and I skip, and I flip through and scan,

I glance at the footnotes here and there when I can.

But I’ll admit I hit bits I don’t get and I’m split,

Should I study it further or not give a shit?

After all, we’re not scholars and I got no white collar;

I’d trade biblical knowledge for Liberian dollars.

Besides, most verses are worthless like the begats and the curses,

That god intersperses with no discernable purpose.

What’s worse is the verses they don’t read in the churches

I’m not sure why they skip ‘em, though, it be a hell of a service.

But I digress.  And I guess what I mean to express,

Is that no one who reads this thing knows what it says.

How could you?  Why would you?  It’d do you no good, you’d

be mem’rizing words that no one understood.  True,

I guess there’s a few who have nothing to do,

that obsess over passages and pretend that they’re true.

But what about the incredulous rest of us who stopped listening at Exodus

We’re bored and it’s nebulous and among the effects of this,

Are low comprehension and even lower retention

So in hopes of prevention and to hold your attention.

Moses proposes verboseness, he know us;

He rightly supposes we’ll be losing our focus.

So Deuteronomy’s a colloquy that repeats all the policies,

God laid down earlier about sex and idolatry,

A dishonest anthology that restates the chronology,

And explains the pathology of Jewish theology.

So the gist, if you missed it, is that when god gets pissed

It’ll likely consist of him swinging his fist.

He insists he exists and if his laws are dismissed,

You’ll be reaping his vengeance and he offers a list:

And it goes like this…

He’ll curse your cities and your countries and your basket and your bowl,

He’ll curse your womb and curse your vineyard and your cattle and your soul.

He’ll cause your enemies to rise before you, sword in bloody hand,

He’ll curse you coming, curse you going, drive you screaming from your land.

The lord will send to you disaster, and frustrate your every whim,

He’ll cover you in leprosy from limb to fucking limb.

He’ll inflict you with consumption, inflammation, heat and drought,

He’ll turn the ground below to iron so no sustenance can sprout.

Your corpse will be a meal for every creature on the earth,

And your wife will eat your children and her bloody afterbirth.

The lord will give you boils, ulcers, scurvy and the itch,

You’ll be abused and robbed and helpless and your home will be a ditch.

Begrudging food to your own brother and to the wife that you embrace,

You’ll be a pariah to your people and he’ll remove you from his grace.

You’ll starve and want for water and screw up everything you touch.

Because the lord is wonderful and he loves you very much.

The Holy Babble:

Ah, Deuteronomy, the rewrite notes of the Pentateuch.  It’s repetitive, immoral, disgusting and verbose, but beyond that, it manages to simultaneously shock and bore you in a way the other books could only dream of.  So joining me to discuss this chore of a book is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome to the show.

And of course, triangling out this trifecta is Heath Enwright who you’ll remember from 3 and a half minutes ago.  Heath, welcome back, it’s been a lonely few minutes.

So where does Deuteronomy rank so far in terms of boring?

You get Moses telling us what god told him that he already told us that we already read.  So pretty fucking boring.

It was like reading about somebody being bored by the book they’re reading.

Yeah, the word Deuteronomy literally means “second law”.  It consists of three speeches that Moses gives before he dies and almost no new information comes out.  Sure, there’s an odd testicle-grabbing rule here and a revision to meat slaughtering custom there, but basically he’s just repeating shit.  It’s like getting to the first big battle scene in Braveheart and then listening to Mel Gibson deliver the “They’ll never take our freedom” speech over and over again for an hour and a half.

Except it comes off less like William Wallace, and more like Woody Allen complaining.  It seems like they got Ridley Scott to direct Genesis and Exodus, but by the time they get around to producing Deuteronomy, they’re stuck hiring his suicidal brother.  

  1. We spend the first three chapter listening to Moses brag about his greatest hits.  It basically recaps the bloodiest highlights of Exodus through Numbers.

  2. Then we spend chapter 4 rehashing all the crap that just happened in the first three.  We rehash the rehash.

    1. And reinforce the message that only god is god, god damn it.

  3. And since we’re clearly dealing with Moses’ farewell concert here, you knew he was gonna do “The Ten Commandments”, and he gives us the long version with the full blown sax solo and everything.

  • “Play Exodus: 20!”  “No – Play Exodus: 34!”

  • And of course the asshole musician has to do it all new and different, so nobody really likes it.  “It’s called Deuteronomy: 5 now, man! No more of that tired Exodus crap!”  Wouldn’t want to play it like it sounds on the fucking album that brought everyone to the concert in the first place.

  1. Then in chapter 7 God spells out the importance of a good, thorough genocide.

  • If you’re a Jew, you gotta be worried about running into some sort of genocidal backlash one day.  Although their strategy of concentrating themselves all in a safe place like Israel seems to be working.      

  1. By chapter 9 Moses has completed his transformation to Chris Farley; “You remember that time when I went up on that mountain and talked to god for a month?  That was awesome.”

  2. More rehashing, but an interesting phrase in my translation at 10:16 “Circumcise, then, the foreskin of your heart, and do not be stubborn any longer.”  So let’s hope the biblical literalists never make it this far…

  • We don’t want those dicks or hearts getting hard, now do we?

  1. By chapter 12, Moses’ Alzheimer’s has turned into full blown dementia.  Now he’s telling the Jews they can eat meat in the same way you would eat gazelle or deer, which are, of course, vegetables.

  • And we’re reminded that you can only be Jewish with the help of union rabbis at the union temple.

  1. Then we learn that if you should ever have tangible evidence that god is bullshit, it’s just god testing you.  

    1. Oh, and kill the person with the evidence.

  2. We rehash the rules about diet then slavery, then holidays, then judges.  I swear this fucking book reads like a filibuster.

    1. Reads like a James Joyce filibuster

    2. Reads like a Dan Dennett analysis of a James Joyce filibuster.

  3. Give your shit to the priests when they tell you to, kill sorcerers and if anything in this book later proves to be untrue, we know it isn’t the word of god.  Because it says so.

  4. Moses repeats himself some more and throws out the “eye for an eye” line.

  5. And then in 20, Moses spells out the rules of engagement:

    1. Before making war with a city, at least offer to enslave all the citizens.

  • So you start by offering them a Billy Martin.  “Listen, we’re willing to overlook the whole thing where you stole our land while we spent 40 years over there in the woods . . . Just submit to slavery, we takes the women you have on you, and we calls it even.”

      1. Yeah, we’re awesome slaveowners.  Tell you what, I poke out your eye, I’ll let you go.  Promise.

    1. Be sure to kill all the men.

    2. Steal the women, children, livestock and riches.

    3. Unless the women and children are Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites or Jebusites.  In that case, kill them, too.

    4. And whatever you do, don’t cut down the fruit trees like a barbarian.

  1. In chapter 21 we get CSI: Promised Land.  If you find a dead body in the street, just break a cow’s neck, wash your hands over it… you know, the usual stuff.

    1. Also, marrying captive women is okay if they’re bald and naked.

  • Slave harem etiquette is important.  We’re not savages.  

    1. And if you’re into government sponsored murder, don’t hang the victim on a pole for more than a day.  In the sequel, we’ll get into using 2 poles to form a T-shape that’s useful for public murder of Jew-traitors.

  1. Then we get the chapter where Glenn Beck gets his morality from:

    1. Here we finally learn that god hates trannies, though we were suspecting it the whole time.

  • “Bitches shalt not steal my boxers and favorite T-shirts after sex, and then wear them home.”

  1. We learn the etiquette of when you can and can’t stone someone to death for having a vagina.

  • Oh I missed something – when can’t you do that?

    • The Sabbath?

  • And don’t forget to bleed profusely when your husband fucks you.

  1. We learn that if a woman is raped in town she gets killed along with her rapist, but if she’s raped in the country, she gets to just be a rape victim.

  • Being female, in a town, and out of earshot – that’s basically asking for it.

    1. And again with the fucking tassels…

  1. Chapter 23 starts with the words, “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the lord.”

    1. More on nocturnal emissions

    2. God actually gives proper instructions for taking a shit.

  • No shit, cum, or atheists allowed in a foxhole.  

  1. There’s a chapter that’s almost moral…

  2. And then we’re back to crazy, random shit.  This is the chapter where we get gems like:

    1. If your brother dies you have to fuck his wife and if you refuse, she gets one of your sandals and she spits in your face.

    2. If a woman grabs a guy’s nut-sack when he’s fighting her husband, you should cut off her hand.

    3. Kill every Amalekite on the fucking planet.

  3. This book is a sign that says “Read this sign”.  I swear, half the book is spent saying “obey this book or I’ll fuck your skull”.

  4. And I think it’s worth mentioning that In three chapters of curses, there’s no mention of an afterlife, no mention of postmortem retribution, no concept of heaven or hell.

  5. Now, follow me on this one.  This book tells the story of the writing of this book.  And then in chapter 31 it starts talking about shit that happened once the book that I’m reading was done being written.  So the Deuteronomy explains the aftermath of the writing of Deuteronomy… and the death of it’s author, but that’s later.

  6. Even back then they had to know that they weren’t gonna get away with having Moses say the exact same fucking things he’s repeated half a dozen times again.

    1. Yeah, so in chapter 32 he sings them!  He actually sings about how skull-raped you’ll be if you piss god off.

  7. And apparently the Israelites were holding up their lighters, so he breaks into another song in chapter 33.  One for each tribe for fuck’s sake.

    1. By now it’s clear that God said, “Go say your last words and then I’m gonna kill you, Moe” and Moses is obviously just milking it at this point.

  8. And then Moses dies on a mountain and according to the book it’s a pretty spectacular death, but you know how it is when people tell you about their own deaths; they always exaggerate.

It was frustrating to learn that we could have just skipped from Genesis to Deuteronomy and not missed anything but Moses’ origin story and some Tabernacle details.

In all honesty, though, I’m actually kind of looking forward to Joshua now… it’s like I’m done jerking off but I’m still watching for the money shot.  You know, like, I don’t care about anything that’s going on in the story, but I’ve made it so far I want to see these bitchy jews inherit the holy land already.

Or at the very least, see some jizz on somebody’s face, so I can get up and wipe my hands on the cat already.  

Seems like exactly the right note to close on, so Heath, Lucinda, thanks again for joining me.

We’re gonna take a few weeks off of this book, but the Holy Babble will be back in three weeks to wrap up the Pentateuch in an hour long “5 down, 61 to go” special.

Outro:

Before we shut down the oven for the night, I wanted to take a minute to thank this week’s most unabashedly, flagrantly, shamelessly awesome humans, Rob, Richard, Andrew and Ann, who affirmed their high-minded beneficence this week by giving us money.  In addition to providing all the stuff that makes this show possible, giving us money has been clinically tested to improve lung function or something.  Seriously, because advertisers now say shit has been “clinically tested” for stuff and hope you hear “clinically proven”.

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I also need to throw a big thanks and a big shout out to President of the Atheist Alliance of America, Chuck Vonderahe for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  It’s a great organization, they do great work and they also have a great convention coming up next month in Boston.

The Atheist Alliance of America’s 2013 National Convention is stacked.  Host of the Thinking Atheist Seth Andrews will Emcee and the speaker list includes Dr. Steven Pinker, Ed Buckner, Aron Ra and the keynote speaker Paula Apsell, Senior Executive Producer of NOVA.  They’ve got early-bird pricing still going so check out the link on our shownotes for the complete list of speakers and events and do it with great haste.

http://www.aaaboston2013.com/

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