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Episode 58 – Partial Transcript

March 27, 2014 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.  An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)

Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.

Sponsor:

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s March 27th,

And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York

And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,

  • We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,

  • And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do.  Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead.  But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.

But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave.  Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died.  But I’m not heartless.  I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone.  And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety.  But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.

It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.”  It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool.  And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps.  I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.

Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes.  We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact.  He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.

Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian.  He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish.  He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.

But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him.  It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using.  And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief.  According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin.  Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.

And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch.  The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks.  Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.

They also make sure to point out how small the church was.  Only 40 active members.  100 at it’s height.  And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers.  Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.

So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith?  I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit?  Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”.  There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.

Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either.  If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?

Doesn’t matter.  The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler.  And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion?  And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to play ball?

Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500

Fair enough.  In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”.  The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act.  Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions.  The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.

And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives.  First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented.  Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will.  That’s it!!!  Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive.  The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.

One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion.  Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds.  And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.

Good point … People are corporations too.  

The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.

Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception

And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.  

If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.

Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …

And they wouldn’t have.  But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.    

This is such a confusing story.  The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…

So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious.  It’s like their own little triangular trade.  And against all odds, it might be more offensive.  Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.

German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html

And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.

At least they chose cars.  Classy move.  Way less rapey than vans.  As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.

After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman.  Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.

Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least?  Fun size is bullshit.  If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!  

Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.

Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/

And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces.  Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)  

I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.

Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.

Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.

Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin.  If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.

I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that.  Anyway, you were saying…

So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.”  I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny.  Just a cool trick.”  She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!”  Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words.  It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child.  Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.”  There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.”   When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.  

Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/

And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos.  They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.

(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!

In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”

What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.

Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries.  Go!

Let There Be Spinal Tap!

Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity

When We Were 2 Kings

MythTrusters

Global Forming: A Convenient Lie

Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”

Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”

The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology

Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”

The X-tra Chromosome Files

Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep

Commuting With Dinosaurs

The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show

Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html

And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.  

And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.

At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …

Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.

The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.”  So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day.  It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch.  The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …   

There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it.  It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.

Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.

Pitch:

Does this ever happen to you?

(Sound FX montage)

Well we can’t help you with that.  But what we can help you do is become an official Scathing Atheist patron at Patreon (dot) com.

Patreon (dot) com is a fantastic service that allows you to give us money easier than ever before.  Signing up for as little as one dollar an episode, you can sleep comfortably, knowing that Noah won’t have to give quite so many handjobs for our bandwidth upgrade.  

I’ll still give just as many, but not because I have too.

Quality, not quantity, right?

Exactly.  But that’s not all!  Scathing Atheist patrons get a bevy of beneficial bonuses.  You see, every week we record between three and ten minutes of extra material that ends up on the cutting room floor.

These never-before-released minutes include expletives, puns, and a littany of verbosely-worded dick and fart jokes.

But these emission omissions can be yours when you become a Patreon Patron.  That’s ten to thirty percent more Scathing Atheist every week.  How much would you pay?

A million dollars!

But don’t answer yet…

Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.

But there’s even more.  You’ll also get the show as soon as it’s edited, rather than anxiously counting down the minutes until 8am eastern daylight time.

That sounds too good to be true!

But it isn’t!  For just one dollar per episode you get the unedited, director’s cut of every new episode and you get those episodes early.  Plus you get an outlandishly over the top compliment on the next episode.

But that’s not all!

Actually, that is all.

For one dollar per episode, sure.  But you can give us more than that.

That’s right Heath.  And the more you give, the more you get.

That’s right Noah.  If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.

But do I still get the over the top compliment, the longer episodes and the early releases?

You do.  But that’s still not all!

That’s right because you can also give us even more money.  If you donate at least five dollars per episode, we’ll also toss in a signed paperback copy of the new book.  Plus you’ll get advance copies of all the new Scathing Atheist presents books before they’re available to the public.

That’s sounds too good to be true.

I know!

Seriously… I don’t believe you.  That’s just too good a deal.

I know!

So how can we be certain that you’re not full of shit?

I guess you’ll have to check out our Patreon page and see for yourself.  That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.

It’s easy to set up a recurring micropayment.  Macropayments are equally easy.  Enter your information once and Patreon will bill your credit card or Paypal account once per month.  You can even set up a limit in case you’re afraid we’ll release 106 episodes one month just to fuck you out of a lot of money.

And remember, if you were a Patreon Patron, this segment would end with Heath saying “Turtle Fucker” three times in a funny voice.  But if you’re not, it just ends with me saying this sentence.

Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.

Babble – Esther:

Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all.  Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written.  It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.

But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.

So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

So what did you think of Esther?

It was weird.  It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story,  but who gives a shit?

Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle.  So why don’t you start us off?

  1. Sure.  The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet.  At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.

    1. She refuses and that causes a huge scandal.  Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.

  • Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes.  So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope.  That uppity bitch has got to go!!!

  1. So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.

    1. And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.

    2. The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.

  • And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad.  Smart move.

    1. But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.

  1. Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.

    1. Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust.  The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month.  After the playoffs.”

  • Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise.  There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.

  1. So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”

  • “The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich.  Could you please?  Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ???  Whenever you get a minute.  Not a huge deal.”

  1. She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.”  So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .

    1. Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship.  Every fucking time you turn around…

    2. So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it.  So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?

    3. Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s

  • Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”

  1. Chapter six was actually pretty clever.

    1. Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…

    2. Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him.  So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?”  And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine.  Then the king says, “Great idea!  Do that for the jew that you hate.”

  2. So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”  

  • “If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”

  • Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”

    1. So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.

  1. But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order.  Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.

  • And the Jews can plunder now.  That was in the fine print of chapter 8.  They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on.  Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.

  • Don’t call it that.

  1. Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?”  And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?”  And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”

  • Yeah Esther became queen at 14.  Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits?  Seems to be a mitvah.  Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?

    1. And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.

    2. Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.

  1. And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.

  • And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …

This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well.  There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.

As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?

Well no, but at least some of the kings existed.  Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks.  We’re nearing the halfway point guys…

Just nearing?

Anyway, thanks as always.

 

Outro:

Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week.  Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.

Why May 2nd?  Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend.  The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly.  You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke.  I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book.  Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.

I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff.  John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.

These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page.  If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week.  Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube.  If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

 

 

 

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Episode 34 – Partial Transcript

October 11, 2013 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language in pretty much every sentence except this one.

 

Sponsor

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End Timex: Because you all have down counter syndrome.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro

It’s Thursday,

It’s October 10th,

and there’s a Broadway Bomb in Manhattan on Saturday that has nothing to do with Islam.     

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright

And from ignorantly Christopher Columbus friendly New York, New York

This is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode…

  • We’ll learn that people who really love America work to overthrow it,  

  • We examine a new humane, cage-free breed of rape joke.

  • And we’ll finger bang for Jesus

But first, the soothing tones of Noah Lugeons apologizing for being right.  Let’s go to the diatribe.

 

Diatribe

There are plenty of bullshit explanations for it, but the primary reason religion persists is because people would rather not think about dying.  Religion doesn’t really solve the problem, but it has proven to be a great way to delay the problem.

I’ve gone on record before in saying that only the slimmest minority of religious people believe in an afterlife.  Anybody who has ever exhibited self-preservation or mourned a loved one is full of shit if they tell you they honestly believe in heaven everlasting.  Or they think they and all their loved ones are evil and hellbound.

My favorite analogy is a soldier that took a fatal wound and he’s lying on the battlefield.  Religion comes up and hands him two band-aids and says “Here, put these over your eyes so you don’t see the wound.  It’ll go numb eventually.  Sure, it’ll still hurt if you move it and you’ll still die from it, but it’s better this way.”

And from what I’ve seen, when people cut their ties to religion, the rope marked “afterlife” is the last one to go and the hardest one to cut.  I know plenty of atheists that still try to cling to any suspect pseudo-science that claims to provide evidence for a soul.

I also know plenty of lenient atheists that are willing to excuse religion from any wrongdoing based solely on this dubious assumption: Religion helps people deal with loss.  Sure, you and I can handle confronting our mortality and the mortality of the people around us, but those dumbasses?  They need a fairy tale to cling to.  They need their security blanket and who are we to deny them their soul-snuggie?

Setting aside for a second that obviously their fairy tale doesn’t work, there are still some serious problems that arise when you try to spackle over the inevitable.  One way or the other, the wound is still bleeding and eventually you’re going to have to come to grips with it.  And who’s better suited for the task?  The person who spent their lives boldly facing their fragility or the person who spent the last few decades pretending they thought they got to go to the super-happy-world dimension?

I was listening to the Atheist Experience the other day, and for the eleven people that somehow heard of our show without hearing about theirs first, it’s a live, public access call-in show where they take calls from atheists and believers alike.  And even though 80% of their callers annoy the shit out of me, I still enjoy the show enough to listen to it every Monday morning.

Anyway, so a woman calls in and she’s clearly wavering in her faith.  She’s clearly made the mistake of critically examining her religious beliefs and they’re fast a-crumblin’.  But she’s holding out.  She’s having trouble letting go and it’s because she doesn’t want to take the band-aids off her eyes.

And it’s not a self-serving thing… or, at least not a directly self serving thing.  She seemed almost embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t her own death she was fearing.  It was her cats.  She was a cat person.  She’d lost a lot of cats over her life and she wanted above all things to know that someday she would be reunited with them.

I’m a cat person.  And as silly as this might seem to some, I understood one hundred percent.  I was lucky enough to be raised without a strong religious influence, so I came to grips with the “I’m gonna outlive my pets” thing a long time ago, but I can imagine how hard it would be to abandon such a pleasant fiction if you’d been using it to delay confronting the emotions.

So when I heard this, because I’m me, I got pissed.  That’s pretty much always my reaction when it comes to religion… you might have noticed.

See, here’s the cruel, if unintentional, consequence of believing in Heaven.  It’s not there.  And unless you’ve got some kind of serious mental dysfunction you eventually realize that it’s not there.  You eventually realize that you’ve been lied to the whole time and somehow you feel robbed of something you never even had to begin with.

What’s worse is that a lot of people only discover the net was an illusion when they jump into it.  It’s only when they have to face their own mortality or the mortality of someone they love that they realize the whole thing was a house of cards.  They’re counting on god to make sense of it all; they’re counting on heaven to make the loss easier to bear; they’re counting on religion to finally pay them back for all those tithes.

But there was never anything there.  And in the end they eventually have to deal with their loss the same way we secularists deal with it.  But we secularists get a bonus.  A realistic outlook on life and death leaves the finality in the forefront of your mind rather than trying to hide in the basement.  Every time I think about the people I love I temper it with their transience and it reminds me to forgive, to indulge, to embrace.  And it reminds me to pet my cats whenever the hell they tell me to because someday I won’t be able to anymore.

They said that religion would make it easier, but it doesn’t.  It’s in times like those that religion is at it’s weakest.  And mourning a loved one is hard enough if you don’t have to mourn your god alongside them.

 

Headlines

Re- joining me for headlines tonight is rejoiner Heath Enwright.  Heath, do you have a rejoinder?

No.  Can’t you just go straight to an improvised rhyming headline?

In our lead story tonight, Hobby Lobby lobs a snobby, snow job-by, daub of copy in a sloppy attempt to seem less lynch mob-by.  The half-assed apology came after New Jersey blogger Ken Berwitz complained to an employee that he couldn’t find any Hanukkah decorations only to be told that the jews should have thought about that before they killed Jesus.

I don’t agree with anyone involved, about anything.  I don’t like Christianity, I don’t like Judaism, and I don’t like holiday decorations of any kind.  That being said, why would a Jewish person be angry that a “bigoted” Christian store chain has stupid business practices?!?  Plus if you’re Jewish, you can’t transact on Saturday, it’s closed on Sunday, and you’re conspiring against Palestine all week, so when are you going there anyway?  

The corporation, which until now seemed to be operating under the “alienate-every-heathen-we-can” marketing strategy, surprised onlookers by taking any action whatsoever that failed to reinforce the “Christian-fuck-monkey” reputation they’ve worked so hard to earn.

I don’t think a business owned by religious fundamentalists should be allowed to use the word ‘hobby’.  Wouldn’t it be great if religious people just made little figurines and dioramas, AND THAT’S IT?!  Fly some model airplanes into the side of a building – that’s fine.  Just know that the actual Boba Fett isn’t going to descend from heaven with angellic jet pack wings and save humanity from sin.    

Hey, you can’t prove there’s no Boba Fett… and speaking of not being able to prove, Berwitz cites the irrefutable source of “some woman my wife knows”, who claims that upon asking where the Hanukkah merchandise was, the aforementioned friend of a friend was told (pseudo-quote) “We don’t cater to your people” (end quote), though I’m damn tempted to add “your droids will have to wait outside”.

“I’m sorry, ma’am.  We suggest that all Jews proceed to the ‘lobby’ section of the store.  Try out the ‘oxygen’ bar.  But there’s nothing for you in the ‘hobby’ section.  And yes those Golem droids will have to wait outside.”

In Hobby Lobby’s defense, a number of the company’s stores do carry a limited selection of Jewy stuff and have for years.  Plus, how the hell were they supposed to know there were Jews in a city less than fifty miles from Manhattan?

Hobby Lobby reluctantly agrees to carry Jewish holiday stuff: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/04/hobby-lobby-jewish-holiday_n_4046481.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

In “pedophile scandal oversight bell curve” news, the Vatican grade has improved from a lazy F, to an equally lazy D minus by default, after an expert in the field admits his own evangelicals are even worse than Catholics.  Regardless, the existence of an “expert in the field” and also the existence of “the field” are god’s fault.  

You know that the Catholics are celebrating this publicly, but behind the scenes Pope Frannie Mae has everybody down to the Vatican lunch ladies raping kids overtime.  They don’t like being number two in anything and they especially hate number two when they’re butt-raping kids.

The expert in question is named Boz Tchividjian– … The expert in question has a name, and his initials are BT.  Mr. T gained his expertise as executive director of Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment, or GRACE.  They investigate sex abuse allegations, and are exactly the type of organization that should have a clever, playful acronym.         

They considered going with Butt and Lip Intrusion Survivors Society, or BLISS and I hear they also rejected Bureau of Rampant Accusations of Clergy Encroaching on Young Or Underage Rectums, Sometimes Evoking Legal Fees; or BRACE-YOURSELF.

Mr T. says, “Protestants can be very arrogant when pointing to Catholics.” . . .

Apparently decades of being relatively less bad than their rival sect at handling pedophile scandals, was a big point of pride.  Rapist Clergy Handling is their Army-Navy game.  Even though both teams often enter the game winless, the season is a big success for the winner that ends up with a 1 – 11 record.           

I hear that Pentecostals rape children in tongues.

The takeaway here, is that eating babies is way less egregious than raping altar boys.  But when Richard Dawkins finally gets caught eating “tar baby tartare”, you won’t see atheists smuggling him out of England to avoid prosecution.  Why is he eating dark meat?  It sounded better.    

Pedophile expert declares Protestants worse than Catholicshttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2013/10/tchividjian-protestants-worse-than-catholics/

And moving on to “beep beep, mm- beep beep No” news, this week’s ridiculous example of Muslim misogyny comes to us from Saudi cleric and person whose name is clearly compensating for something, Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan.  In an interview with sabq.org, this vacuous dingleberry warned that women who drive cars risk damage to their ovaries that will likely lead to mutant babies.

I’d say regardless of driving – women risk damaging their ovaries by continuing to live in Saudi Arabia.  Do women who drive, birth mutants every time?  Yes.  Should women be driving in general?  No.  But move out of Arapia first, and then worry about vehicular rights you don’t deserve.  Arguing about it while you’re still living under sharia law, is like a heroin addict giving up chocolate for lent.  

Appealing to Saudi women’s sense of maternal duty and utter lack of reproductive education, al-Lohaidan offered his bloviations in response to a growing social movement among Saudi women who want the right to drive for reasons including but not limited to running over assholes like this cleric.

Maybe a little genetic mutation in Saudi Arabia isn’t the worst thing in the world?  Bunch of pregnant muslims sneaking into cars, turning out jews and atheists.  Might teach ’em a lesson.  

Muslim Clerics warn women who drive will damage their ovaries and have mutant babies: http://blogs.reuters.com/faithworld/2013/09/29/top-saudi-cleric-says-women-who-drive-risk-damaging-their-ovaries/

And in “Anti-Arab Autumn” news, the same lawyer who thinks President Obama was birthed by a lion in Kenya, is now calling for a takeover of the executive branch, in order to halt the nearly-completed installation of an Islamic theocracy in Washington.  

Oh right, you Arab-spring ahead and Arab-fall back…

Larry Klayman, the asshole who tried to claim Kenyans can’t run, said this about the POTUS . . . and I’m paraphrasing . . .

Wait, I’m sorry, did you say this dude’s name was “Larry Klansmen?”

(quote) “[Don’t quote me on this, but… I don’t like] his Muslim, socialist, anti-Semitic, anti-Christian, anti-white, pro-illegal immigrant, pro-radical gay and lesbian agenda [face!].” (end quote)

Few things . . . First, I quoted you.  Suck it.  Next, Mexicans are all Catholic, so you can’t be pro-illegal immigrant, and anti-Christian at the same time in this country.  Also, what the fuck is the “radical” gay agenda?!? . . . “Must ask, must tell… in graphic detail”?  Are there super-mutant gay people, suggesting us inferior hetero-breeders will be weeded out by evolution?!?  XXX Men?

Klayman goes on to suggest the President deserves prison time, and actually uses the phrase “leave town”, like he’s fucking Wyatt Earp, and Obama – being yellow bellied and lilly livered – would decide it’s best to take his family back to Chicago, or the savannah outside Nairobi, or wherever they’re from.  

Obama’s Muslims agenda gone too far – Klayman calls for military coup: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/klayman-sets-date-revolution-end-obamas-reign-terror

And in “Would You Like to Fry in Hell With That?” news, a Chicago area restaurant is enraging Catholics all over the country by disrespecting their magic cracker.  Kuma’s Corner, a “heavy metal” themed burger joint is offering a sacrilegious special in October called the “Ghost” burger, which looks kind of crappy even if you take off the controversial communion wafer garnish that has the papists so pissy.

What are we supposed to eat the body of Christ raw and unseasoned like the bloody savage Catholics?!?  Can you imagine a butcher selling filet mignon, as patrons walk up in line and french kiss the steak out of his mouth.  If religion isn’t stupid enough yet, in this analogy, they would all sit down and eat the bloody steak right there in the shop, while the butcher gave a speech about holy cows.    

With brazen disregard for the sanctity of unleavened biscuits, the restaurant’s management is offering the tasteless treat (along with a red wine reduction) in conjunction with the release of a new album from the band “Ghost”.  Apparently the band is known for dressing in clerical garb onstage, or rather, that’s what they were known for before they were known for being that band that inspired that burger joint to fuck with pope-crackers.

Well as long as the band isn’t being ironic, the “sin and out” burger should be protected under the free exercise clause.  However, if they are being ironic, it’s protected under “you can do what you want”.  So as long as they aren’t being ironic or genuine, the Catholics have a legitimate gripe.     

Well only some reactionary Catholics have expressed outrage over this publicity stunt, more level headed papists urge a rational response.  After all, it’s just a cracker.  It’s not like a Cardinal has already performed the magic spell that turns it into divine jewish god-flesh or anything.

Chicago restaurant offers “Communion Burger”, Catholics lose their shit: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/03/is-the-communion-burger-in-poor-taste/

And from the “Who said British parties are boring” file, Students from the “Atheist, Secularist and Humanist Society” at London School of Economics were forced to leave the university’s first-year student fair, because of T-shirts with cartoons that offended religious people.  In a rare twist, it was the normally thick-skinned followers of Islam that took umbrage with free speech.  

Next thing you’re gonna tell me people are chopping off pieces of their babies’ dicks.

The next day, despite the hilarious solution of putting tape over the “offensive” parts, reading “Censored” and “Nothing to see here”, the atheists were once again ejected.   Maybe the tape was a little insensitive . . . Can’t believe they didn’t wear burkas over the shirts on day two.

What if we just said we were offended by offense.  Would it send the politically correct fucktards into a self-reinforcing feedback loop of inevitable destruction?  And if we try that and it fails, can we just kick them in the nuts?

One atheist, always the diplomatic problem solver, suggested Muslims could just close their eye-slit as they walked past the atheist table.  Then a pedantic onlooker who doesn’t understand sarcasm, pointed out that only women have the eye-slit thing, and eye-slit-clad women clearly aren’t allowed to study economics.  Then he added, “I don’t want to be pedantic, but the eye-slit thing is called a niqab.”

Bottom line, getting offended by British nerds is YOUR fault.

Jesus and Mo T-shirts censored at LSE: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/06/wearing-jesus-mo-shirts-doesnt-mean-youre-discriminating-against-christians-and-muslims/

And finally tonight, in “I don’t care how straight you are, you wish this was a video of two dudes going full anal” news, we bring you the latest in creative and awesome “fuck you”s directed at Fred Phelps and the notorious Westboro Baptist church.

What do you mean, “wish”?  That “Phelps on Phelps Backstroke” video you sent me isn’t the one we’re talking about?

No, by court order I can’t admit to having that one.  This is a different one.  But there’s a set-up.  Previously on the Scathing Atheist we brought you the story of Aaron Jackson who bought the house across the street from the church and painted it all gay and rainbowy.  More recently we brought you the story of members of the Satanic Temple turning Phelps’ dead mom gay by beating off on her tombstone.  But in an impressive display of one upmanship the punk band “Get Shot” offered the WBC the most literal “go fuck yourself” yet by going to the church and fucking themselves.

Gotta love this country.  The American version of “Pussy Riot” features actual free market pussy.   

Bass player and autoerotic-engineer Laura Lush decided that the lawn of the church would make an ideal backdrop for a video of her pleasuring herself dressed in nothing but nail polish.  

Bass player for California punk band does some fingering below the staff.  

Although she didn’t really need a porn alias, Laura Lush is also known by her porn alias, Flora Bush.  When asked for a statement, she could have but didn’t say, (quote) “My bow and my staff, I come for them.”

According to the band’s press release they contacted the church in hopes of obtaining any surveillance footage that might have had a good up-vag angle, though there’s no word on whether Phelps and friends are done jacking off to it yet.

Or spanking the bass . . .

They were worried police might arrive, and they would have a real mess on their hands, so they got in and out, and got the shot quickly.  She wanted to take it a second time, but the guys with the equipment were tired and ready to leave . . .

OK, as usual we’ll put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Titles for the new porn, Go!!!

Vaginal DJ in B-Cup Minor

The band’s called, Get Shot! . . . the porn’s gotta be called, “Get Money Shot!” . . . Hopefully she’s a squirter, or at least willing to get her feet wet.  

Um… The Mighty Fist of God?

“The Girl with the Bass Cleft Asshole” . . . Perfect if Stieg Larsson starts writing atheist porn scripts along with the Coen Brothers.

What about just “Spunk Rock”?

Those Spunk Rockers do like to DIY.

Or just DY.

With KY.

And of course, I don’t want to close this segment before pointing out that I, too, believe that god hates fags, just in case there were any punk bands in the New York area whose hot, exhibitionist bass players were looking for a lawn on which to strip naked and masturbate.

Punk Band shoots porn video on lawn of Westboro Baptist Church: https://www.facebook.com/getshotkicksass/posts/519319074820814

And on that string of below the belt jokes we’ll close the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

Yeah, whatever.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here so don’t tell her about all the pussy jokes.

 

Poem

Okay so yeah, I read Ruth and to tell you the truth,

You sneeze and you’re through it, so screw it, I can’t write an ode to it.

I mean shit, ya’ll a poem? I don’t know, um…

 

Roses are red and violets are blue;

Ruth wants to fuck Boaz and he wants it too.  

So they do, that’s the end, hallelujah, amen.

 

Cause that’s it.  Holy shit, I don’t get where to go,

And I know that for seven shows in a row,

I’ve put something mildly clever together, but that can’t last forever…

 

Sure, I know some were ho-hum but at least they were poems,

And now it’s expected, you’d feel disrespected, dejected;

Our poor audience who saw me once as a dependable dude, it would be rude.

So I’m screwed.

 

Hell, I really start bumming when I look at what’s coming.

What, I’m gonna write two poems about Samuel and two about Kings?

By Chronicles we’re all gonna be sick of these things.

 

And I know that you’d say it’s okay, it’s not like you pay

for this shit, so a day off is fit, I can lay off for a bit and omit that skit.

But if I should neglect what our fanbase expects, what comes next?

A show with no sponsor?  Or no diatribe in it?

Or one that comes out late on Friday and is 32 minutes?

 

So I read and reread and see that indeed;

There’s nothing worth rhyming in this whole boring screed.

Why does it bore me?  No story.  That’s hard to ignore, we

Just came off seven books that were horrid and gory,

 

And now this load of piss?  No armies, no slaughter,

No tossing a rape mob your viriginal daughter,

Sure, I guess if I’m pressed, I’ll confess there’s some sex to address,

But I’m no less stressed,

 

Because as much innuendo I find buried just underneath,

And knowing that blowjob jokes always have teeth,

I know that there isn’t much humor this book can bequeath

And I can’t steal all the dick jokes from Lucinda and Heath…

 

So a thousand apologies, but I’ve written poems for all of these (of varying qualities),

But writing a poem for Ruth is like pulling a tooth.

And I’m on a deadline, still gotta write headlines and I’m crossing my redline,

 

So with all due respect, I’m vexed and perplexed and I can’t make this text rhyme,

So no poem for this episode, but I’ll do better the next time,

 

Babble

Logging in at a whopping 4 books, Ruth is one of the shortest books in the bible and is so short, in fact, that you could read it quicker than we can finish this segment, but you wouldn’t want to because it still sucks.

So joining Heath and me to take on this biblical pamphlet is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome to the show.

Before we get started, it’s probably worth noting that the book of Ruth was a late edition to the Historical Books and was written by an unknown author who really, really wanted to fuck a Moabite chick and didn’t want to be stoned to death for it.

And with that let’s dive in.

  1. First we meet Naomi who has a really shitty turn of luck.  Her husband dies and both of her adult sons die, leaving her with nothing but two daughter-in-laws, and since women are worse than worthless in the bible, that’s like having less than nothing.

  • Sure you hear about famine in the news.  But when you’re living in a safe nomadic religious desert tribe, you never think it can happen to your family.  Even if your book needs a minor plot impetus.    

  1. So barren and hapless, Naomi decides to return from the land of the Moabites to her people, who are the Jews, and both of her daughter-in-laws want to come with her.  She talks Orpah into fucking off, but the infatuated lesbian daughter-in-law Ruth goes off on a stalkers monologue that makes the lyrics to “I’ll Be Watching You” seem like a healthy relationship.

  2. So they get back to Naomi’s hometown of Bethlehem and everybody runs out and says, “Hey Naomi”, but she’s changed her name because Naomi means “pleasant” and since god hated her enough to kill her family, she asks them to call her “Mara”, which means “bitter”.  Because we all love these mid-book name changes.

  • Yeah I could do without all the”Ocho Cinco” bullshit in the bible. It’s not like she wrastled god near a directional body of water or something.   

  1. So they get back to Bethlehem and Ruth figures they gotta eat so she goes out to scrounge some leftover grain, which is what the destitute did back then.  While she’s out there busting her ass, the wealthy and available Boaz takes notice of her and lays on the flirt.

  • And Boaz is every Jewish-stepmother-of-a-Moabite-lesbian-widow’s dream son in law.  He’s in the tribe, he owns land.  He’s one classy Jew.  He put the Lacoste back in Holocaust before it even existed.    

  1. And it’s so hard not to sexualize the hell out of the conversation.  Especially when he starts telling her to dip her morsel in his sour wine.

  2. Or when she (quote) “fell prostrate with her face to the ground before him”

  • “Oops I fell over . . . I’m just a poor, clumsy shixa, trying to break into Judaism.   How will I ever pay you for these free scraps of grain?”

    1. So she gathers all the grain she can hold and brings it back to town to show Naomi cum Mara how much she got.  Naomi tells her “good job.  Now whoever’s dick you sucked to get this, go back and swallow next time”.  Cause mom knows a good thing when she sucks it.

  1. So Naomi hatches a plan for Ruth to win Boaz’s heart and I dare say that it’s an effective man-seducing strategy.  She tells Ruth to get all dolled up, wait until Boaz gets drunk and passes out, and crawl into bed with him.  And then when he wakes up, do whatever he tells you to do.

  • “What if he thinks I’m ugly?”  

“You are ugly, Ruth.  You’re an ugly race traitor whore.  But beauty is in the eyes of the money shot beholder.”

Now, this is important to point out.  In the book it says that mom told her to “uncover his feet” while he’s sleeping.  And, of course, as we noted when we did Exodus, foot is often a biblical euphemism for the cock.

  • Astute listener, Will, actually emailed us to make sure we got that.  “I know you guys don’t have trouble fitting dick jokes into your segments, but foot is DaVinci code for dick.”

And he was smart about it, too.  He left the message in the note-line of a donation to the show, which is always the best place to leave messages for us.

  1. So she does exactly that and when he wakes up he’s says, “Hey, chick sleeping at my feet.  Cool.  Who the hell are you?”  So she tells him that she’s there to suck him off or whatever he prefers.

  • Just put your cloak over my head, like I’m a subway prostitute, so nobody will see me blowing you.  

  1. And Boaz must be a little hungover because he says, “Let me see if I can find somebody else that can fuck you tomorrow, but if not, I’ll take care of you.”

  • “Yeah listen . . . I know you’re new and everything, so you probably didn’t read all the stuff in the manual, but I can’t just fuck you myself when there’s a closer relative that might want to fuck you . . . I see the look on your face right now, but I swear we’re not crazy.”      

  1. And proving that he totally doesn’t know how the hooker thing works, he pays her for not fucking him and sends her on her way.

  • “I’m sure waking up to you technically already blowing me had nothing to do with the grain thing.  Unless you’re running some sort of ageless long con . . . Nah – I’m paying you anyway.”   

  1. So then Boaz tries to pawn Ruth off on one of his relatives but when his cousin realizes that it would fuck up his inheritance, Boaz agrees to marry Ruth and take all of her dead husband’s shit and make babies with her.

    1. Right, but he agrees to that with ten of the city elders.  He doesn’t agree with her.

    2. Hebrew woman is like altar-boy: consent is assumed.

  • Personal consent is too subjective.  Immaculate consent is much more objective.    

  1. So yeah, after this hugely romantic gesture the book ends and we realize that no, there was no fucking point whatsoever.  Except maybe to point out that King David was so awesome that even his great grandmother gets a whole book of the bible.

And yeah, that’s it.  It’s a love-story with no conflict.  It literally is “boy meets girl, they get married and have kids”.  Nothing to resolve.  It’s like a rom-com where two co-workers that get along just fine go on a business trip together and continue to get along just fine.  And then they fuck.

I’m okay with that.  We didn’t splash any blood or rape anybody or anything.  It’s a nice change of pace.  And it was the shortest book so it was also the best one.

Yeah, but it’s tempting to say that even this short-ass book was way too long considering how little it had to say, but when you consider what a bunch of raging fucking bigots biblical era jews were, the very fact that Ruth is a foreigner is plenty of conflict.  According to the introductory essay in the NSRV (which is almost as long as the book in this instance), this was a post-facto addition to the Historical books meant to soften the “no boning foreigners” rule.

You can fuck them, but only flaccid.  So god made women called Ruth forever ugly, as a reminder.  

Except the one that donated to our show.  So before we accidentally insult anymore of our financial supporters we’ll wrap this edition of the Holy Babble.  Lucinda, Heath, thanks for ignoring your gag reflex long enough to keep doing this.

And remember, if you’re reading along at home, stop doing that.  We’re reading it so you don’t have to.

 

Outro

Before we blow our load tonight I want to offer another piss-poor excuse for not having merch available yet, but I don’t have one so I’m just going to sheepishly admit that it’ll be at least one more week.

Of course I can’t end this thing without thanking Heath and Lucinda for being a collective two thirds of why this thing works and, of course, I also need to thank Shujin Tribble from the Feline Conspiracies Wednesday Night 80s Bash in Second Life for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, I’m not sure exactly what that even is, but thanks bro, very fun one.

I also want to thank everybody who took the time this week, or any week for that matter, to leave us a five star review on iTunes.  We all really appreciate that and it’s one of the best ways we know of to help us spread the word so thanks to everybody who has and to everybody who hasn’t, also known as 97% or our audience, c’mon folks, it’s free and I’m practically begging here.

I also want to thank everyone who shares the show on Facebook or Twitter or tells their friends about it or recites it aloud at the grocery store.  But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s wittiest, prettiest and most fastidious people; Richard, Brian, Roger, Stephen, Alison, Timothy, Geoff, April, Parminder, Elena, Mike, Eric, Stephen, Will and Duncan.  Known throughout the galaxy as the dirty dozen and one quarter, these fifteen heroic, resolute, dashing, daring and stouthearted adventurers have earned praise both limitless and eternal by giving us money.

Only the most valiant, valorous and venturesome vanquishers have the verisimilitude required to give us money, but if you think you measure up to the noblesse of Richard, Brian, Roger, Stephen, Alison, Timothy, Geoff, April, Parminder, Elena, Mike, Eric, Stephen, Will and Duncan, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And a quick note to those cyclically awesome few who have tried to set up recurring monthly donations on Paypal for us, thanks a ton, for whatever reason those don’t seem to be going through, but I’m on it from my end and we’ll try to get that worked out, I promise.  Believe me, nobody wants to make it easier for you to give us money than we do.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 28: Partial Transcript

August 29, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some elements deleted from the final episode due to time constraints)

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of designer chainmail armor for children, Josh Kosh B’Gosh.  So when there’s an army of genocidal jews circling silently at the city gates, make sure your children are dressed in the coolest new sword-proof, fire-proof, hailstone-proof, machine washable armor.

Josh Kosh B’Gosh, because god hates you and you’re going to die.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro

It’s Thursday, it’s August 29th, and atheists do it with larger, evolutionarily superior genitalia.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons, and from well-hung New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • The Pope raises eyebrows with his “Don’t tell, don’t tell” policy on sex abuse,

  • A high school in Indonesia will consider a new virgin-fingering policy,

  • And Lucinda will join us to talk divine land reapportionment,

But first, the Diatribe

Diatribe

If you ever want to feel really old, take somebody who’s diaper you once changed and watch them change their kid’s diaper.

My wife had the opportunity to do just that last week when she flew down to Georgia to meet her niece’s brand new baby girl.  She doesn’t get to see her family often so our six year old nephew spent most of the week clinging to her leg in one manner or another.

So one night she’s hanging out with him and he’s looking for excuses to not go to bed.  He’s got a bunch of planets on his walls so he starts asking her “which planet is that?”, “which one is that?”  Before long she’s got her laptop fired up and she’s showing him Cassini pictures and Voyager images and closeups of coronal mass ejections and he’s eating it up.  She shows him the Hubble Deep Field image and his eyes just linger in unchecked amazement when she tells him that every point of light he sees is another galaxy with billions or even trillions of stars.

It takes him a second to even think how to respond.  And when he does, the question he chooses is heartbreaking.

“How many miles is it to heaven?”

If I had been there I might have accidentally ruined the next six Thanksgivings by saying something like “Heaven is from religion.  These pictures are from reality.”  But Lucinda is a bit more diplomatic than me so she answered it as well as it could be answered:

“We’ve seen billions of light years away from earth but we haven’t seen heaven.”

That’s a pretty good answer, I guess, if the goal is not alienating your family.  But it’s still a sad damn shame that she had to settle for that.  And it’s a damn shame that at the age of six this kid’s natural curiosity is already being stifled by a ridiculously antiquated view of the universe.  Even at six he’s encountering things that can’t be made to fit into the biblical worldview.  He has to work harder to get to the right answer because he has to weave his way through bullshit to get there.

But the world is already pretty damn hard to wrap your head around at six.  It’s a lot harder when you’ve got to reconcile the Adam and Eve myth with the existence of dinosaurs… and recessive genes; when you’ve got to develop a grand unified theory of history that’s two parts history and one part Jewish revenge porn; when you have to stop in the middle of an astronomy lesson to figure out where heaven is.

Think back to your own childhood and you can probably come up with a memory where you were trying to pound the square peg of religion into the round hole of reality.  Christians love to defend their little fairy tales by telling us they’re allegories.  But when they pull that shit, ask them if they make that clear to their children.  If they don’t start out the story by saying “Here’s a fairy tale about Jesus” when they’re telling it to their kids then it’s only an allegory when you get too smart to believe it’s true.  And that doesn’t fucking count.

The saddest thing is that this kid’s mother isn’t even particularly religious; she doesn’t go to church, I’ve never seen her pray and she’s certainly read less of the bible in her lifetime than I’ve read this week, but still she’s religious enough to hamstring her son’s education.  It’s not deliberate, of course; she just believes that religion is good for her kid because people with every reason to lie say so.

Don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of more reprehensible forms of child abuse that take place in the name of religion.  Even if you set aside the sexual and physical abuse that religion is used to justify you still have the wide spectrum of psychological abuses from tormenting kids with images of hell to confusing the shit out of them with prehistoric notions of sexual morality.  But there’s something about taking a steaming shit on a child’s curiosity that really pisses me off.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow tenable stance junky Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to discuss several more ways religion was stupid and indefensible in the news this week?

When you live and die for a math textbook that says two plus two is five, you manage to get all sorts of other wrong answers too.  Sometimes your Big Brother is dumb, and shitty at math.   

Yeah, all that 1 equals 3 shit was a dead give away.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has finally taken a decisive move to ensure a radical decrease in allegations of sex crimes against the clergy: they made reporting those crimes illegal.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just give all the priests vasectomies? . . .

Cut off the DNA evidence problem at the source.  

Or just ban the word “No” in the Vatican so there’s never technically a consent issue . . .

Or like I’ve said before, Catholics could just stop having children . . .  

But to be fair, those altar boys are asking for it, the way they wear those robes.  

…all clingy and shit.  So there were already plenty of rumors swirling when word came down that Pope Frankie Valli was “bringing the Vatican legal system up to date” by criminalizing leaks of official information at the same time that he was formalizing the laws about sex crimes.  Turns out one law ensures that allegations of sex crimes are confidential and the other makes it illegal to disperse confidential information.

There’s no such thing as a private allegation.  That doesn’t exists.  That’s just a person thinking to themself, “I’m kinda mad about getting raped.”

Vatican foreign minister Monsignor Dominique Mamberti actually had the audacity to pretend that they were all really disheartened when they learned that they accidentally made it illegal to report sex abuse.  He said, and before reading the quote I think I should emphasize that this is actually a real quote (quote) “It’s quite a papal pickle that His Holiness has placed upon our heads.”

It’s time for “Tip of the Mitre, Wag of the Pickle.”

Wasn’t it placing pickles in people’s heads that started this whole problem?

Head scratching behavior, probably because of all the crabs.  

Look, if I wanted somebody to find that sausage, I wouldn’t have hidden it in the first place!

When in Rome . . . don’t be surprised to get an unsolicited Roman helmet.  

And for those listeners who aren’t familiar with this terminology, when I say Roman Helmet, I’m suggesting the Pope would straddle you backwards and rest his balls over your eyes, and the shaft over your nose, thus resembling a Roman helmet.  

They’re actually acting like this was an accident.  First of all, the pope’s infallible so you’re fucked right there.  But secondly what kind of bullshit 4-year-old-with-a-cookie defense is that?  “Whoops!  Did we just insulated ourselves against prosecution and international embarrassment? Shucks, I suppose we could undo it with the wave of a crosier, but we’re not.  Our bad.”

Pope criminalizes the reporting of sex crimes: http://www.newslo.com/pope-criminalizes-the-reporting-of-sex-crimes/

And from the “Unconsciously regulate your endocrine levels if you saw that coming” file tonight, a recent measles outbreak in Texas has been traced back to an anti-vaccination mega-church.

Pastor, faith-healer and sentient excrement Kenneth Copeland of the Eagle Mountain International Church in North Texas is a vocal proponent of the thoroughly debunked, discredited, disproven, disparaged and disgraced notion that the MMR vaccine causes autism, a theory so indefensible it might as well be biblical.

First of all, there’s absolutely nothing INTERNATIONAL about North Texas.  Absurd title for the church, or anything else in that region.    

So the church finally decided to base an opinion on a scientific study, and the doctor whose study they went with was Andrew FUCKING Wakefield?!?  Dr. Dre and Dr. Mario have more respect in the medical community.

When the inevitable outbreak of fully preventable childhood disease struck, the church sent out a rapid fire series of excuses ranging from “The CDC is secretly infecting people with measles to discredit us” to “measles aren’t that bad, now are they?”

“What had happened is . . . We sent out a pamphlet with the measles-preventing prayer, but there was a typo on one of the important magic words, so everyone was saying it wrong.  Plus there was a shortage of unicorn hair this year, so lot’s of people never even got their wands.”  

And as much as I’d love to say that anybody who gets measles after taking medical advice from a used-snakeoil salesman deserved it, the problem with the anti-vax crowd is that the victims are the communities that surround these idiots, not to mention their own children.

Someone needs to sneak into these people’s bedrooms and inject HIV into their stupid, deserving mouths.  

I hear you can pray that out just like measles.

Measles outbreak at anti-vaccination church: http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2013/08/theres_a_measles_outbreak_at_v.php

And in “Criminal Possession of Reason” news tonight, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that California atheist Barry Hazle Jr. is owed some compensatory damages after being sent to jail for not believing in god.  And yes, that’s pretty much exactly what happened.

Dude’s name has too many syllables to become an atheist protest mantra.  

“FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!  FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!” … Doesn’t work.   

No it doesn’t.  So this unchantable assailant served a brief jail term for a minor drug offense and, upon release he’s ordered to participate in an addiction recovery program.  Of course, it’s one of those 12 step “put your faith in a higher power” programs.  Hazle, to his credit, actually attended the programs, but he requested a secular alternative.  The court told him to fuck off.

Yeah, god forbid you sober up through empirically tested means.  No, seriously, god forbids that.

Can’t kick the habit without bad metaphysics.

And judging from the estimates of AA’s success rate, you can’t kick the habit with ‘em either.  So anyway, after staff at the 12 step program reported that he was being disruptive in (quote) “a congenial way”, he was taken out of the program and sentenced to a further 100 days in jail.  In addition he was denied access to Go and the customary two hundred dollars.

Being disruptive in “a congenial way” ? . . . He was probably telling really good jokes, and even the staff started laughing when they shouldn’t.  Listen, if you send an atheist stoner to an NA meeting, he’s gonna make sarcastic comments.  It’s impossible not to.  Rehab for minor drug offenses … and God, are ridiculous notions.  If we don’t mock you there, we could actually burst into flame.  

Anything’s possible.  So of course he sued the state and of course he won, but he was awarded zero dollars in damages by a jury of his peers because apparently his peers are a bunch of Christian, blowhard assholes.  The judge threw out the non-award and set about empaneling a new jury with fewer weasle turds on it.

That’s how the awards process works?  Isn’t that … stupid?  Why not award him NEGATIVE TEN THOUSAND dollars?

Atheist parolee sent back to prison for complaining about the religiosity of Narc Anon: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/23/appeals-court-calif-atheist-parolee-entitled-to-compensation-for-constitutional/

And from the “They Meant Freedom of My Religion” file, some Christians in Kansas are going apeshit over a religious display in a school.  But not because it’s a religious display in a school.  That’s okay.  The problem here is that they used the wrong religion.

The display in question was a banner with five images of pillars that read “The Five Pillars of Islam” and that sounds pretty damning when you don’t know the details.

And Christians are all about not knowing the details.  But out of context, you’ve gotta admit, vertical pillar-like shapes are pretty offensive.  Those five pillars could be used to perform two and half crucifictions.  Kids are supposed to just ignore that fact?!?

The story began when somebody snapped a picture of the banner and posted it on Facebook with the caption “this is a school that has banned all forms of Christian prayer.  This cannot stand”.  And with the penchant for fact checking that we’ve come to expect from angry, meme-spreading Christians, this shit went as viral as Miley’s vagina.

She had to eventually get herpes.  Anyone sired by a grown man with 2 first names and a rat tail….  

I can’t imagine how herpes could survive in that thing.

Quick 2 point reality check: Number one, this school, along with all other schools in the fucking country, doesn’t “ban all forms of Christian prayer”, they just ban the ones where kids are forced to go along.  And number two, acknowledging that religion exists in a school isn’t against the law.  It’s the part where you start pushing it on kids as though it was true that we have laws against.

You might have lost their attention between the word reality and the word check.  These are people who are offended by visual reminders of “things that exist”.

Christians go apeshit over Islam display in a local school: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/wp/2013/08/22/kansas-school-surrenders-to-ignorance-removes-islam-display/

And finally tonight in “I guess you can’t just Saran Wrap your vagina, can you?” news, a school in Sumatra has proposed a virginity test for all their female students.

What a great job . . . virginity tester . . .

“Did she pass?”  “Nope.”  “Wait anal? . . . Hold on . . . Another minute . . . Also no.”

“What about her?”  “Nope.  Next!”

They pretty much never pass – I’m a tough grader.   

Education chief Muhammad Rasyid proposed the idea that he describes as (quote) “an accurate way to protect children from prostitution and free sex.”

Wait… prostitution and free sex?  If there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s paid sex.  And if there’s another thing we don’t want, it’s unpaid sex?  

Can’t prove your virginity without taking a cock . . . Can’t take a cock without losing your virginity.  Seems like a regular “Snatch 22”.  

So setting aside for a second the fact that there’s no actual way to test a woman for virginity, how fucked up does your brain have to be to think that the best way to protect women from prostitution is denying an education the sexually active teenage ones?

Indonesian school proposes virginity test: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/aug/21/virginity-tests-female-students-indonesia

Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll recount a biblical massacre or thirty one.

Joshua, in Rhyme

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, that genocidal idol,

The baddest motherfucker that we’ve met yet in the bible.

He’s like a biblical Batman, if Batman killed babies.

Imagine if you gave Wolverine adamantium rabies.

 

This badass says “chop off your foreskin” and people actually do.

He’s like a Jedi in that his story isn’t factually true,

Like Superman he’s invincible and he wins every battle;

But unlike the man of steel, he kills the women and cattle.

 

He’s like the Hulk but with Thor’s hammer and a magical ark.

The sun needs his permission before it’s allowed to get dark;

Like a bronze age Jackie-Chan, he even kicks ass with dumb shit,

Like his notorious chorus of nuclear trumpets.

 

He’s the Bible’s Bruce Lee but with triple the skill;

He never met an innocent bystander that he didn’t kill.

With a swipe of his sword he could knock the wings off a gnat;

He could take out all four ninja turtles and that mutated rat.

 

As you learn about this guys, it’s not hard to conclude;

That Chuck Norris impregnated the Dos Equis dude.

He’s admirable and loveable and strong and heroic,

As long as you haven’t updated your morals since the paleozoic.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, Moses finally died,

So you could have the position that so long you had eyed.

You served bravely as Vice Jew but the time’s come alas,

After too many decades of kissing god’s ass,

 

To take the baton and lead this army of Jews,

After all, there are Canaanites in need of abuse.

You served god well by scouting and then not being honest;

So you’ll lead the Hebrews to the land that god promised.

 

Your ambitions are grand, your intentions extortionate;

So with your god-given powers of land reapportionment;

You’ll be crossing a river but you won’t need a float;

When God’s done with that shit, you’d have to carry your boat.

 

Where to go? Jericho.  I hear they’ve got hookers.

You promised not to kill Rahab and she’s quite a looker.

You might as well since you’re killing all the gentile chicks,

And there’s no way those Jewish princesses are sucking your dick.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, how your legend ascends,

The way you massacre, exterminate and ethnically cleanse,

You’re the bravest, the strongest and usually the smartest,

Except when dealing with Gibeons… those fucking con-artists.

 

Hanging kings, burning villages, your army sets forth,

From Achan to Ai then continuing north.

Killing children to show what a shit you don’t give;

But showing occasional mercy by letting animals live.

 

With the slightest of setbacks, your conquest succeeds,

Ensuring that millions will boast of your deeds.

You’re a legend, a lion, a genuine stud;

They took your milk and your honey and you took their blood.

Babble

Ah, Joshua, the redundant geography lesson of the Old Testament.  Half exaltation of genocide, half property auction listing, this book has all the intrigue of GPS directions, all the civility of YouTube comments and all the morality of a Nuremberg indictment.

So to help me sort through the fallen bodies, I’m joined by my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

And of course, not having actually gone anywhere since we recorded the headlines segment is Heath.  Heath, thanks for not having left while you had the chance.

So basically the book of Joshua describes the glorious war crimes that Joshua committed in order to fulfill god’s belated promises of land.

Yeah because it’s not like god could just divinely create more land for the Jews that wasn’t full of people they’d need to kill.  What, did he run out of milk and honey or something?

Look, I already made you guys a promised land.  It’s right there.  Milk, honey, vineyards, the whole nine… you just need to fumigate.

And fumigate they do.  So let’s just dive in, shall we?

  1. Upon Moses’ death, God passes the torch to Joshua, which is kind of like Lord Vader putting you in command of the fleet.

    1. God says “You are invincible.  Nobody can defeat you.  But don’t forget to be brave”… how brave can an invincible person really be?

  • Good headline here: “Son of Nun Supports the Habit”

  1. In chapter 2 Joshua sends a couple of spies across the Jordan.  They were just about to start scouting the land when they decided to fuck some whores instead.

  • Joshua says to his spies, “Go check out Jericho.”

“Dude that’s perfect, that whorehouse is right on the way … In N Out Fur Burger.  We’re clearly stopping.  Jericho should be a pushover.”

Then the King of Jericho finds out Joshua sent spies … “Get that slut Rahab on the phone and tell her to be on the lookout for penises that are horribly mangled by primitive foreskin removal.”

Little did the king know, the crafty tribe had conveniently forgot about that rule for a few decades.  More on that later.

  • Apparently everyone in Jericho keeps up with TV news, or saw “The Ten Commandments”, and they thought the Red Sea thing was badass, so they’re scared of the Jews and their apparent ties to a god with cool powers.

  1. In chapter 3 Joshua feels like he has to prove himself to be truly Mosaic so he parts the Jordan.  Couldn’t come up with his own magic trick or anything.  Just totally ripped off Moses.

  • And it’s a dick move when it’s a river.  When you part a river for that long, while an entire tribe and their army carries their shit across, you kill a town upstream by flooding them.

  • Oregon trail would have been easier if you could be a Jewish prophet, in addition to Boston banker, Ohio carpenter, or Illinois farmer.  Never have to risk caulking the wagon or trying to ford the river.

  1. We learn about the 12 magic Joshua stones… and is it me or does this thing occasionally read like a tourist guide?  All this “And they are there to this day” crap… it’s almost like the people writing this didn’t realize somebody would still be reading it 3000 years later.

    1. And wouldn’t that be the easiest way to fuck up the whole “biblical inerrancy” thing?  I mean, somebody plunks one of those rocks back into the river and the bible is suddenly full of shit.

  • And now stupid people have another reason to selectively misinterpret mystical powers related to the number 12.

  1. So the entire army crosses the Jordan into hostile territory and ten seconds after god fills the river back in he says, “Oh you know what… why don’t you guys do some cosmetic penis surgery before going to war?”

    1. And this has the feeling of a later addition.  Like somebody was reading through Joshua version 1 and said, “Yeah but when did these guys chop their foreskins off?  We better add that.  Don’t wanna glaze over the important stuff.”

  • “I’m getting a lot of pleasure sensations from my upper penis area. Does anyone have a flint knife?”

  • And then of course this chapter of the saga can’t end until god sends a messenger to tell Josh to take off his filthy fucking birkenstocks when he enters a promised land.

  1. Then they do the divine conga line think with the trumpets.  For a week there’s a ring of Jews walking silently around town and all the people behind the walls are thinking, “This is the worst parade ever, but they seem friendly, at least.”  And then the trumpet blows, the walls come crashing down and they kill everybody but the whore and her family.

    1. And man do they.  Chapter 6, verse 21: Then they devoted to destruction by the edge of their sword all in the city; both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep and donkeys. Even the talking ones.

  2. So on to chapter 7 which reeks of revisionism.  After god says “go kick ass, you are invincible”, they lose the second fight they get into.  So Joshua is all “Hey bro, what happened to the invincible before my enemies thing?” And god’s all “Uh-uh-uh, somebody took some silver and hid it from me so all bets are off.”

    1. So they go and find the dude who did it.  He confesses.  So they mercifully set him and his family on fire and stone their burning bodies to death.  And that kind of shit makes god really happy.

  • “I said you could rape, but only the Levites can pillage and plunder.  I specifically said raping only.  But the free non-consensual pussy wasn’t good enough, was it?!?  You’re in GOD’s fucking army! Act accordingly! There a line! And it’s somewhere between rape and stealing silver.”  Rape’s on the RIGHT side!!!!  Stealing the silver was the problem!!!

  1. Then they go back to the town that had just kicked their asses because god was on their side again.  But interesting that they also sent 10 times as many men this time and worked out an elaborate ambush.

    1. And kill all the men, women and children.  But you can tell god is in a way better mood, because this time he lets the livestock live.

  2. The residents of Gibeon heard about the approaching wave of genocide so they tricked Joshua into sparing them and just making them slaves by pretending to be from a far off country.

    1. Yeah, they were damn tricky.  They’re showing them moldy bread and saying “look, this was a fresh loaf when we left!  How could we possibly have moldy bread if we weren’t foreigners?”

    2. I love that Joshua asks them “Why did you trick me?”  You were going to kill them, you asshole.  Why the fuck wouldn’t they trick you?

  • It’s the “Two For Flinching, Rodney King” conundrum.  When you swing a night stick, and then yell “STOP RESISTING ARREST!” when they hold up their hand to block it . . .

  1. Chapter 10 probably contains the most ass-kicking of any chapter in the bible.  This is where Joshua pretty much wipes out the whole country.  Hell, god starts hurling stones at the opposing armies at one point and when they try to flee Joshua orders god to not let the sun set so they can pursue them better.

    1. I love the way they keep bragging about how thorough the genocide was.  It’s like bragging to your friend’s wife about how hot his mistress is.

  • These guys wipe out innocent civilians better than a double-tap drone strike.  “Collateral Damage” is Joshua’s middle name … Joshua “Collateral Damage” . . . Jew … Nunson!!!

  1. Then Joshua’s army kills more people.  Then they go back to the army-less towns, kill all the women and children, steal all the valuables and, on occasion, burn the city to the ground.

  2. Chapter 12 is basically a scorecard that compares Moses and Joshua when it comes to the murdering of monarchs.  As it turns out, Joshua won by a long shot.

  • For the record, if you present the information from a table with two columns, and the entry is the same for an entire column . . . you don’t need a fucking table!!!  And if you write it all out – which makes even less sense – you don’t have to repeat the number “one” over and over.

  1. And then this book abruptly stops being remotely interesting.  Just when think you’re settling into a book full of merciless bloodshed we make a hard right into the minutes of a bronze age community re-zoning board.

  • “Ok we murdered all the people.  I believe you PROMISED us some LAND.  It’s not like we weren’t CHOSEN over here.”

  1. For four chapters we get poorly formed GPS directions and a few stories of slightly less thorough slaughters.

    1. Plus some incest.

  2. As you’re reading this shit you can’t help but wonder how this book ever led to a land dispute.

  3. They set up the cities of refuge, which are these lovely little towns full of unavenged murderers.

  • If stupid shit in your holy book leads to a whole bunch of accidental murders, so much so that entire manslaughter cities were necessary . . . you might want to scrap the draft.

  1. On the way home from the war, the Reubenites and the Gadites build a statue to commemorate their part in the genocidal mission from god, and that’s like talking about Fight Club.  Smite Club.  So all the Israelites decide it’s a reasonable time to go to war with them over it.

    1. Luckily they all sit down and talk and agree that they all still believe in the same magical sky man or all hell might have broken loose.

  2. And then Josh is all old and crotchety and he gathers everybody together to send a very clear message: Just cause god’s been giving you a lot of cool stuff doesn’t mean he won’t still fuck your shit up.

  3. And then Joshua reminds them one more time not to piss god off and he dies.  And they bury him.  And apparently they’d been carrying Joseph’s bones around this whole time and they bury those, too.

    1. And the very last verse in the whole thing is about Eleazer dying.  This is some super-minor, forgotten character and the whole things ends with “and Eleazer, son of Aaron?  He’s dead too.”

Now I have to admit that this book gave us some much needed closure.  It managed to tie the whole first six books together and make you feel like you’d just been reading one long story for a minute, so I was actually impressed by it from a literary perspective.

Not so much from a moral perspective.

No, it was probably the least moral thing we’ve come across yet and that’s saying something after Leviticus and Numbers.

And Genesis, Exodus and Deuteronomy.

True.  Well, we’ll be in biblical detox for a couple weeks but we’ll be tackling Judges in about three weeks so you have plenty of time to get caught up if you hate yourself.

Lucinda, Heath, thanks for joining me…

Outro

Before we count down the registers tonight, I wanted to give a quick shout out to all the participants in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists.  It’s a league that Carl from Post Rapture Looting and I cooked up made up entirely of secular podcasters and bloggers.

So to Carl, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible, Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Mark from Be Secular (dot) org, Bill and his son Sean from Bar Room Atheists, Evan from The Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe, Jessye from wherever the heck Carl found her and of course, Heath from 84 seconds ago, I want to say good luck on the week’s when you’re not playing me and may you be humble in your inevitable defeat.

If you have even a passing interest in which podcaster and/or blogger reigns supreme, I’ll be keeping everybody posted on the blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And if you have no interest in that whatsoever, I’ll also be putting other stuff on the blog as well.

I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her wit, her insight and her angelic voice tonight, I need to thank Heath as always, but even more than usual this time for staying up til the crack of dawn after his birthday party to work on the headlines segment.  I also need to thank Michael Dunlap from mikedunlapphotography.com for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  You’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all tonight we need to extend our deepest gratitude to this week’s most irreplaceable corporeal forms; Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden.  Pekka, Sherrill and Thomas, whose lightning quick fists seem sluggish compared to their wit; Steve, David and other Steve whose boundless generosity seems slight compared to their intellects; and Matt and Alden, whose humility is in constant conflict with their behemoth genitals.

These eight brave and valiant exemplars of godlessness have cemented their legends this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the cunning, gallantry and expendable income required to give us money, but if you think you’re worthy to stand beside such virtuous individuals as Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but donating money is against your irreligion, you can also help us out by giving us a sterling review on iTunes or whatever you use.  You can also inflate our sense of self-worth by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter and subscribing to our YouTube channel and our aforementioned blog.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight but if you want more, there’s more.  Steve at the “A Matter of Doubt” podcast invited me on for a chat the other day.  No definitive word on when that episode will be up, but as soon as I know I’ll be sharing it on all those social media sites you were planning on liking, following and subscribing to us on.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 25 – Partial Transcript

August 8, 2013 Leave a comment

by Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some segments cut for time purposes)

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by The Blasphem-Eats Cafe, purveyors of New York City’s finest atheist cuisine.

Our sinful selection of non-kosher, non-halaal, damnation delights has been hand-cursed by authentic clergy of all different faiths.  This week’s specials include infant back ribs served with a delicious Caesarian Salad.

Blasphem-Eats Cafe: Our food’s so good that unlike Jesus, you’ll come again.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Monkey Man:

This week’s filthy monkey man is Mechy from the “Autistic Jesus” Facebook page.  Thanks, bro!

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s August 8th, and Jesus probably faked it the first time he came.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from justifiably misanthropic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • Heath and Lucinda will be back for more Bible Learnin’

  • Special Guest Eli Bosnick will help us recap the Pentatuech

  • Professor Chris Altman will join us to teach me that it’s pronounced Pentateuch.

  • And there’ll be so much good shit we’ll need a fourth bullet point on the intro,

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

If a Christian told me that they were reading “The God Delusion”, I’d be impressed.  Even if they told me that there was no chance in hell that Dawkins was going to sway them and they were only reading it to see just how wrong he’d gotten it, I’d still admire the intellectual fortitude it takes to immerse oneself in something one intrinsically rejects.

So like the naive dipshit that I am, I assumed that Christians would react with the same appreciation when I told them I was reading the bible.  But when I’ve mentioned it to the religious folks I know, without exception they’ve responded with some variation on an eye-rolling, hand-waving, “Now-what-do-you-want-to-go-and-do-that-for?” castigation.  It’s like they’re insulted that I’m reading the book they keep telling me to read.

They tell me I’m “missing the point of Christianity by focusing on the Bible” or they tell me that “The bible is all about interpretation so there’s no point in a holistic reading” or they complain that I won’t take the time to truly understand each passage before writing some of them off as monstrous.  Or they invoke the magical biblical property where all the stuff they disagree with is allegory and the rest of it is literal.

But the message is always the same, whether they intend to send it or not.  What they’re telling me is “I don’t trust my holy book to stand on it’s own.”  Not one of them seems to think that the god is a talented enough muse to inspire me.  They’re basically admitting that the only possible way to believe in this thing is to decide you’re going to believe in it before you read it.

If a Christian read the God Delusion I wouldn’t care if he spent half the time doodling dicks in the margin.  Dawkins is an engaging author, he speaks clearly and he makes a convincing argument.  I’d assume that encountering such a potent case for atheism would establish a small thorn of doubt they’d have trouble setting aside.  I trust the text to make its point.

And this is a book by some British dude.  Not to downplay British dudes in general or Dawkins in particular, but the other guys have a book that they claim was written by god almighty for fucks sake.  I’m willing to trust Dawkins to do something they can’t reasonably expect from the omnipotent forger of the heavens?

And no fair pointing out that Dawkins won’t be relevant two thousand years from now.  He almost certainly won’t, but trying to create present day belief structures based on two thousand year old books wasn’t my idea.  I recognize that 2000 years from now Dawkins’ understanding of evolution and genetics will seem quaint and that the subjects he’s addressing will have little or no bearing on the modern world.  Because it’ll be two god-damn thousand years from now.  Everything we wrote will be, at best, interesting from a historical and literary perspective.  Even our morality will probably seem primitive.

Strangely enough, when I tell atheists that I’m reading the bible I get a big old pat on the back.  Part of it is a bit of “better-you-than-me” sympathy, but part of it is that genuine appreciation for intellectual integrity.  If I’m gonna spend so much time talking about this book, I should probably read it.  And while I certainly don’t think you have to read the whole thing to set aside the notion that it’s the inerrant word of god, if you intend to make dick jokes about Jesus on a weekly basis, you need to burrow deep into the literary asshole of Christianity and I don’t mind doing digging through those gargantuan dingleberries for the sake of, like I said, intellectual integrity.

But the Christians don’t share the atheist enthusiasm.  Perhaps they know that the bible is a moral guide like Caligula is a considerate host.  Perhaps they know that even as a work of pure literature it’s oversold.  Perhaps they know that it has the factual integrity of a Spongebob episode.  Perhaps they know that it’s just a ridiculous conglomeration of irrelevant myths from a barbaric cult.

But maybe I’m just being too quick to judge.  After all, how would a Christian know any of that shit?  It’s not like they read the thing.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow celestial teapot denier, Heath Enwright.  Heath, isn’t it nice to be unfettered by the burden of proof that comes with outrageous claims?

It’s nice, but it would be a lot nicer if outrageous claimers were aware when they’ve lost an argument.  Or even aware of the criteria by which one might decide the winner of an argument.        

Unsinkable rubber duckies, the lot of them.

In our lead story tonight, the pope said something that he definitely didn’t mean and probably didn’t say even though it’s on tape… again.

Wonderful Pope . . . Very free-spirited . . . We’re all very fond of him.  

In a well rehearsed “impromptu” press conference on the way back from Brazil, Pope Girlie-Name was fielding a question about the so-called “gay lobby” in the vatican and responded that (quote) “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”  A question his subordinates answered with the words, “The fucking pope.”

Bill Cosby’s gotta be following him around for his new show: “Popes Say the Damnedest Things”

I’m picturing geriatric wranglers just offstage with tranquilizer guns, in case he starts confirming a Dan Brown novel.    

Vatican mouthpieces were quick to ensure gay people that, while the Pope might not be judging them anymore, god still is and he’ll send their asses to hell for it.  Cardinal Timothy Dolan even went so far as to excuse the remarks by explaining that the Pope was “on a high” from his trip to Brazil, though he didn’t specify what the Pope was high on.

High on top of a dude…  

How many gays do you figure snuck into heaven before the Vatican officially recanted his accidentally tolerant proclamation?  

What’s really newsworthy about this is that once again Pope Tiny-Francer manages to get the whole media world talking about some major change that he hasn’t actually made.  There’s nothing substantive here.  He hasn’t welcomed gay priests into the fold.  He hasn’t shifted the Vatican’s stance on homosexuality.  He hasn’t endorsed gay marriage or instituted a weekly Vatican rainbow party or anything, and yet the internet is once again abuzz about what a game-changer this new Pope is.

Kind of like how Obama talked a big game, but a dozen old white people still have nearly all the wealth that exists in this country.  

What?!?  I voted for him twice, so I can say the N-word.  

Who is the Pope to judge gay people? http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/29/pope-francis-on-gays-who-am-i-to-judge/ (And the backlash “he didn’t mean it” stuff) http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/31/bishop-pope-was-on-a-high-during-gay-remarks/ & http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/07/31/catholic-leaders-the-pope-still-thinks-sexually-active-gay-people-are-going-to-hell/

And in “Gee, I wonder what he was changing the subject from” news tonight America’s largest archdiocese just released another batch of documents that detail the extent and horror of the child rape and torture pandemic that we’ve all grown numb too.

What exactly are all these documents.  Did the church accidentally let the authorities see their notebooks full of time-stamped rape logs?  Emails that say “I raped another kid.  Don’t tell anyone.”?  Why was the church keeping such a detailed account of their rape stats?  When could that be useful later?!?     

Well what the point in everybody raping kids if nobody knows who’s winning?

“Put it on the pile.”

“There’s a pile?!?  Why the fuck do we have a pile for this stuff?!?”

This latest batch of unrequited felonious horrors sheds new light on exactly how much the church officials knew and how early they knew it.  A dozen child-rapists are detailed in all, including two nuns.  One priest boasted 21 victims over a period of nearly forty years, but the gold medalist was one Ruben Martinez, whose victimized more than 100 children in his career despite the Vatican’s best efforts to pray the pedophelia out of him.

Martinez wasn’t the only one with a wet back I guess.  

I’m sure karma provided a well-endowed cell mate for him.    

It might have if he’d ever been punished.  Despite a number of settlements paid to his victims, Martinez, now 72, has never been prosecuted, never been punished and is still under the direct care of the Los Angeles Archdiocese.  In a 2005 psychiatric assessment Martinez even bragged that he hadn’t had sexual contact with a child in 23 years.

“I haven’t had sexual contact with a child since BLANK” . . .    

Only a priest could think there’s a good way to fill in that blank.

Newly released documents show 1 priest molested over 100 boys in LA Archdiocese: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/31/sex-abuse-church-revealed-secret-files-los-angeles_n_3684329.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And turning now to a pot smoking, gay atheist named Frank who isn’t running the Catholic Church, former Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank admitted last week that he was bullshitting about the believing in god thing and not smoking bong rips thing to get elected.

Just about every staunch theist I met in college did some faith questioning, and some bong hitting.  I was probably responsible for both in many cases, but I’m sure this was happening in most colleges, where the religious are bombarded with facts, and surrounded by superior fact checkers.  

And superior nugs.  Anyway, in an appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher, Frank flaunted the liberty he’d earned by getting out of congress right before the ship sunk when he admitted that he was a (quote) “pot-smoking atheist”.  No surprise that a politician needs to lie about this stuff for the sake of politics, but for those who don’t know the dude, it’s worth mentioning that Barney Frank is the most prominent openly gay politician in American history.  So before you start thinking we atheists have turned the corner keep in mind that the liberal gay democrat in Massachusetts still has to lie about two things: crimes and rationality.

Barney Frank is an arch nemesis for the religious right in politics.  Think about that… Atheists hate assholes like Rick Santorum for egregious acts of religion-inspired bigotry.  Bible-heads hate Barney Frank for enjoying cock, and also having the audacity not to endorse a book that says he’s an abomination who should be murdered.  And then sprinkle the pot on top, and they get really mad.   

As a consequence of this recent revelation, we at the Scathing Atheist would like to formally announce Barney Frank’s candidacy for the presidency in 2016 whether he likes it or not.

Barney Frank admits to being a godless pothead: http://www.examiner.com/article/liberated-barney-frank-admits-to-being-a-pot-smoking-atheist

And from the “Crazy People Flinging Verbal Feculence” file tonight President of the Texas Eagle Forum Cathie Adams took time off from arranging dental floss in symmetrical lines last week to warn us of the coming Sharia-Apocalypse that we’re ushering in with Immigration reform.

Really?!?  Muslim families aren’t exactly strutting right through the airport with ease in my experience.  If a Muslim watches Air Force One on NetFlix, they can be sent to Gitmo.  

They’re aren’t too many ways for this country to get MORE anti-Islam.  Maybe we should force everyone to eat a bacon strip at customs.  Bonus: Keeps out the Jews and vegans too.  

In a chain of logic that was bizarre even by the standards of Texas Republicans, Adams explained that immigration reform would open the floodgates to Islamic immigrants who, fleeing sharia law in their homelands, would work quickly to establish it in America, which will end in our foreheads being branded by demons and, of course, the End Times.

True patriots realize we’ll need to preempt this Islamic theocracy with a Christian theocracy.    

Appearing on a radio program that declares itself the only newscast reporting the countdown to the second coming of Christ, Adams explained her tortured logic in a way that would make Glenn Beck blush.  And before we dismiss her as some impotent wackaloon I should note that this fruit-loop briefly served as the chair of the Texas Republican Party so she’s damn potent for a wackaloon.

Crazy Person: Immigration Reform Bill is harbinger of the end times: http://tfninsider.org/2013/08/04/texas-eagle-forum-president-immigration-reform-will-bring-the-end-times/

And in the “They-Wouldn’t-Joke-About-AIDS-Now-Would-They?” file tonight we have the American Family Association of Kentucky circulating a petition that links the 1962 Supreme Court ban on mandatory school prayer with falling SAT scores, rising teen pregnancy rates and, you guessed it, AIDS.

I’m surprised they didn’t mention that when the mandatory prayers went away, that’s when kids first started choosing to be gay, so that’s where the AIDS came from.  Might as well blame the increases in teen pregnancy on the gays too.   

Factual Counter Point: It was actually us atheists legalizing righteous fetus murder in 1972 that led to the lowered crime rates in the early 1990’s.

Yeah, somehow they missed that one.  Instead, they point out that after prayer was removed from our schools violent crime rates went up and then back down and then eventually way lower than they were before, but at first they went up, but not right away or anything.  If that’s not conclusive enough, they point out that during the years immediately after that, also known as the 60s, the instances of STDs went up considerably.  During the 60s.  Because of school prayer and not increased amounts of fucking.  And as if those two rock-solid coincidences aren’t enough, they point out that SAT scores dropped for 18 consecutive years.  And then, you know, went back up.  And then went back down again and kind of leveled off and then went up again.

Are they aware that the SAT isn’t graded by the magically objective pre-cogs from Minority Report?  Also they stopped asking  the same questions every year.  And it’s graded on a bell curve, so the testing service decides whether the average score goes up or down each year.  Were they trying to say our national average score dropped relative to other SAT-taking, fundamentalist Christian theocracies, that have – unlike the United States –  continued to brainwash students with mandatory school prayer since 1962?  Also absurd, but less so.

You’re making this way too complicated.  No prayer equals angry god equals dumb people on drugs with AIDS.  Think about it: Drugs didn’t exist before 1962 and immediately after three years before that you’ve got the first known case of HIV.  And of course, based on these evidence-like-assertions, they conclude that the only solution to drugs and AIDS is to start mandating prayers in schools once again.

I know it sometimes looks like the cart is gonna keel over trying to push that huge horse . . .  

But there are actual statistics on this, from real scientific studies, with authentic isolated variables, and genuine correction for covariance.  As you might have guessed, brains that prefer creationism to science, are also quantitatively worse at problem solving and other smartness metrics.

Yes, well perhaps that’s why critics of this petition can’t make any headway..

Failing to pray in school causes AIDS: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/30/kentucky-school-prayer-petition_n_3676932.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, from the bullshit archeology file, the four-trillionth piece of Jesus’s cross was uncovered in Turkey last week.  And I think we can all agree that a reputable news source like the Huffington Post would never report something like this if it was absolutely dripping with credulous camel crap.

Christians are acknowledging the existence of archeological evidence?  That’s quite a slippery slope, if they start allowing data from the “-ologies” into the argument.   

Lead researcher and person with no fewer than 4 diacritical marks in her name Gulgun Koroglu said that they found a chest and there was holy stuff in it and some of the stuff was wood so there you go.  And if you can’t trust a woman with three umlauts and a breve in her name, who can you trust?

I’m skeptical . . . Jewish wood in a Turkish box . . . It’s fishy . . . Doesn’t pass the smell test.                     

The fact that the church they were excavating was built more than six centuries after the crucifixion and that seventh century priests were not known for authenticating relics through carbon-dating might leave a person with fewer umlauts in doubt, but the researchers and the hack author who brought us the story have no time for things like skepticism and common sense.  The article actually ends with the claim that this discovery (quote) “provides further evidence of the historical Jesus”.  Yes, much in the same way that my old underoos provide evidence for the historical Aquaman.

How can they be sure this wasn’t wood from Gandalf’s staff or Santa’s sleigh?  Neither of them spent time in seventh century Turkey either.

Four trillionth piece of Jesus cross “found” in Turkey: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/jesus-cross-found-archaeology_n_3691938.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

That does it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Pleasure as always.

And when we come back we’ll continue to not accept Christ as our Lord and Savior.

Skit:

Are you always preparing for raptures that keep falling through?

Are you constantly losing arguments to atheists?

How confident are you that you born into the right iteration of the right denomination of the right faction of the right religion?

All good Christians go to heaven, right?  Of course they do, as long as Christian Real God is in charge.  But what if Allah is in charge?  What if . . . Jew God is in charge?  What if there’s a bunch of gods all struggling for power and Christian god isn’t winning right now?

Any sophisticated investor in the afterlife, needs to consider these other-godly risks when building their eternal bliss strategy.  Most religions tell you not to pray to other gods, so hardly anyone is covering all their bases.  Here at Pascal’s Wager Afterlife Hedge Fund, we take care of all that for you.  We build a diversified portfolio of prayer on your behalf, to a wide variety of possible deities.  Our skillful pseudo-scientists are constantly monitoring the market, checking on what we believe to be real-time evidence, predicting which gods are most likely to be the ones that count.

But don’t take our word for it.  Listen to what some of our clients are saying:

As a Baptist, I’d never confessed my sins before.  Didn’t figger I needed to.

But as my agent explained, if you follow Pascal’s Wager to it’s logical conclusion, what have I got to lose?  Nowadays I confess, take communion, study the Torah, bow to Mecca and behead the occasional chicken.  And you know what?  I sleep easier because of it.

I used to think that accepting Jesus as my personal savior was enough to guarantee me a spot in eternal glory.  Boy was I a naive, stupid, gullible, small-minded, idiotic, foolish, misguided, doltish, obtuse, credulous, puerile, ill-advised simpleton back then.

Like any good hedge fund, our agents work hard to identify the exploitable loopholes in this dangerously deregulated sector.  Speaking of which . . . Non-Jews, call in the next 10 minutes and you’ll get one free loophole for gentiles hoping to appease Jew God, in the extremely unlikely event that he exists.

Sure, the idea of a monotheistic deity other than Christian Real God is preposterous.  But that’s what our form of insurance is for.  It’s for protecting you, in case of the preposterous.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  You could go to hell and suffer eternal damnation.

Pascal’s Wager Afterlife Hedge Fund: Believe in one god . . . Pander to all of them

Babble:

There aren’t a lot of books out there that inspire a person to break out the party hats just for getting 19% of the way through them.  But if you make it a fifth of the way through the bible you deserve a hell of alot more than a hug and a cookie.

So joining Heath and me to celebrate this milestone are my lovely wife Lucinda.

Hello.

And also joining us as a special guest Scatheist this week is my good friend Eli Bosnick, Eli, welcome back to the show.

Now last time we heard from you, you were running for Pope.  How did that work out for you?

I didn’t get it.  Lost it to an old white guy… never saw it coming.

Damn racists.

Now you’ve actually read this whole damn book before, but you actually reread the Pentateuch for the purposes of this appearance and I’ve gotta commend you for that.  I mean, reading this shit is bad enough but going back to it when you already know how bad it is?  That’s a whole other level of masochism right there.

Alright, so the good news is that we’ve already read 5 of the 12 longest books in this thing and 4 of the 8 longest.  The bad news is that’s still a small fraction and there’s a lot more of this shit to come.  But before we dig into all of that, we figured we’d take a little time to highlight some of our favorite and least favorite moments from the Torah.

There are approximately eight billion characters in the first five books of the bible, so I might be asking a lot of you guys to narrow it down to just one, but who earns the honor as your favorite cast member so far?

  • I really enjoyed Moses’ imaginary friend during all the wandering . . . Kind of like Gazoo from the Flintstones . . . The “God” guy.  Apparently he didn’t have much to do with Moses’ plot of creation, but he was a good side character.

  • Balaam’s Donkey – I just couldn’t help but hear Eddie Murphy’s voice when I read it.  Plus, he was the only talking animal that didn’t condemn humanity for all time.

  • Guys I gotta go with the snake. I mean. We are the snake. The snake also makes no invalid points which i always like.

  • How could it not be Jacob?  This guy is a complete bastard.  He buys his brothers birthright with some broth, he tricks his dad with some decomposing bear skin, he pre-marries his wife’s sister and then he kicks god’s ass in a wrestling match.  What’s not to like?

As anybody whose been following along knows, the bible is chocked full of horrible shit, but can you guys tell me which of the macabre proclamations constitutes the worst verse in the Torah?

  • I’m gonna go way out there and say Numbers 12:14- “If her father spit in her face, would she not be shamed for seven days?”

    • For like six days after that you were wandering around the house muttering that line over and over.

    • There was worse shit in there, don’t get me wrong, but god is justifying turning this chick into a leper because her husband was an asshole and he says it’s okay because her dad has the divine right to shame her with a loogie whenever the fuck he feels like it. “ If her father spit in her face…..” ( muttering fade out )

  • I’m going way back to Genesis 38:10: “But what [Onan] did was displeasing in the sight of the lord, so he took his life also.”  And what did Onan do to incur God’s wrath?  He refused to fuck his brother’s wife.  Or actually, he did fuck her, but he refused to come in her.  And so god killed him.  And why was Onan obligated to fuck his brother’s wife?  Because god had already killed his brother.

  • Gotta be Genesis 22:2 from the New American Bible.  This is God deceiving Abraham, setting up a fucked-up loyalty test: “Then God said: Take your son Isaac, your only one, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah. There you shall offer him up as a holocaust on a height that I will point out to you.”  Sacrificing your son because the voices told you is insane regardless, but only the Catholics would make it worse by keeping the word “holocaust” in their translation, when EVERYONE else says “burnt offering”.  They’ve had about seventy years to to make a simple diplomatic edit.  I think everyone can find a way to get by, without using words like niggardly and lowercase holocaust anymore.

  • Guys. You are so wrong. Deuteronomy 22:13-21 if a woman be not a virgin on her wedding night stone her to death on her father’s doorstep.

    • You know what, yeah, I’m switching my vote.  A verse is automatically worse if the barbaric shit it’s talking about is actually still happening in the modern world.

    • Plus, why her father’s doorstep?  Isn’t it just as much the husband’s fault for marrying that slut?  Why should her dad have to clean up the mess?

And in a related category, I asked everybody to come up with the “Most Immoral Aspect” of the first five books…

  • I mean, there’s a part in this book where god kills every breathing thing on the planet, so it’s hard to look at any other part and say “well killing all breathing life is bad, but it also endorses slavery.”  So I kind of have to go Great Flood on this one.

  • Basically every part where a person with a vagina showed up, but if I have to pin it down I’d say Exodus 21:7 where they spell out the proper rules for selling your daughter as a slave-whore.

  • I’m going with garden of eden. Of all the horrible mythical torture porn in the bible there is nothing quite so evil as equating truth and sin. Its the begging of the bible for a reason. The rotten foundation.

  • According to chapter 22 of Deuteronomy, you’re allowed to rape women, as long as you pay their dad 50 shekels of silver each time, and marry them.  Apparently lots of rape victims find that marrying their rapist is the best way to punish them.  

Okay, so god spent a lot of time waving his dick, telling people to obey him and what bugs they can and can’t eat, but what would you guys say was the number one commandment that got missed?

  • Rule Number Zero and Rule Number Eleven: “Don’t get carried away with this book of allegories.”

  • Thou shall not accept handjobs. If she’s not going to use her mouth than forget it.

  • I know there’s more important shit, but I’m going with “Don’t stop and look around at the top of the fucking escalator.”

  • In my opinion, Thou shalt think for thyself should be at the top of the list.

And it’s hard to make the argument that he didn’t have room for all that stuff since he wasted a lot of our time on some pretty petty pronouncements.  So what’s your nomination for the most Superfluous Divine Dictate?

  • exodus 22:18. thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. That’s right. The all knowing god makes sure to punish imaginary crimes. Or maybe he just hadn’t heard witches are real.

  • I’m not judging it one way or the other, but we’d probably still be murdering plenty of gays in this country, with or without Leviticus 20:13  

  • In Leviticus 11:20 God says it’s not okay to eat four legged birds.  He also makes it clear in Leviticus 11:23 that you shouldn’t eat four-legged insects.  So I’m nominating the “don’t eat mutants” proclamation as the one we most could have skipped.

  • Deuteronomy 25: 11-12 … This is the part about us wives not grabbing another dude’s junk while they fight with our husband.  You really think we’d go right for the diversionary handjob God?  By using any other tactic we get to keep both our hands… eye gouging comes to mind….

And since reading five books qualifies you as the biblical expert in most groups of Christians, what part or aspect of this thing do you think would most freak out the average Christian?

  • More than half of their Christian faith owner’s manual … Written by a Jew.  That’s right.    

  • I’m tempted to go with Moses going ape shit over the jews leaving a few cows and infants alive in Media.  I’m tempted to go with the magical dirty water uterus expunging fidelity spell from chapter 5 of Numbers.  But I’m gonna lean on my interactions with a lot of Christians and I’m gonna say they’d be damn surprised by how many times god tells them to lay off the fucking immigrants.

  • Based on the first 5 books, they’d probably be freaked out to know that they are all going to hell. I mean if we seriously consider the rules this book sets forth, not killing one’s daughter for being raped and not screaming loud enough would do it. Not to mention all that other crazy shit in there that anyone in their right mind would never do.

  • Its not in the bible but I think the scientific fact that ALL of exodus just didn’t fucking happen is pretty important.

Alright, so imagine that you’re on the editing board for the Torah.  You’ve just read through the most recent draft and you’re allowed to give the author one rewrite note.  What would it be?

  • So the main character is not very likable. He’s like holden caufield….but worse. We want to like this guy. He created the universe…and puppies. lets see more of THAT guy and less of the “lets get into the specifics of genocide

  • I guess my top rewrite note, based purely on the Pentateuch, would be: “Rewrite the first five books.”  And if I’m giving a more specific example, while these so-called prophets are all discussing geography, maybe a little mention about future places to avoid.  I think plently of readers would have happily steered clear of Italy, Japan, Germany, and red states.

    • Not to mention Jersey.

  • I don’t give a shit who anybody’s great-great grandfather is.  Seriously.

  • How about not being such a cunt to the ladies. I don’t know, maybe refer to us as actual living, breathing human beings or something, that’d be nice.

And finally, if you could ask god one question after reading the Pentateuch, what would it be?

  • What’s your name again?  I forgot . . . it wasn’t repeated in the last verse of Deuteronomy.  Was it Allah-something?  

    • Right.  And what’s this “I am that I am” shit?  Are you God or Popeye?

    • Also, “Can I speak to your manager?”  Asshole’s gotta have a boss in that infinite regression somewhere.  

  • You made Shakespeare.  We know you made Shakespeare.  And yet you have your book written by a Bronze age stuttering James Patterson with ahlzeimers.  What the fuck?

  • Since you STOLE my Shakespeare thing…before i thought of it no less…that’s the worst. Why make it so hard to believe in you? Why encode perfect morality (which not only you possess but embody if we’re asking Doctor Craig) into weird allegories. Why not a pamphlet with just one really great piece of advice on it? Why the most boring horrid genealogical study…ever

  • I have to ask, Do you have mommy issues?

What a perfect question to end on.  Heath, Lucinda, Eli, thanks for joining me.

And if you’re playing along at home, you’ve got three weeks to trudge through Joshua before we dive in once again.

Outro:

Before we snuff the roach tonight, I wanted to thank way more people than I can possibly thank in a single show, let alone a tacked on segment on the end here.  Thanks to the generous help of Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance our audience has more than tripled in the last week and I want to thank everyone who has shared the show, rated us on iTunes, sent an appreciative email, liked us on Facebook and told their friends about us.  We are flattered and humbled every day by the response the show gets and we’re hard at work to keep earning your listenership every week.

Of course, I’ve gotta thank Heath for going above and beyond over and over again, I need to thank Lucinda for joining us tonight, Eli for swinging by and lending us his wit and his wisdom and, of course, I need to thank Professor Chris Altman for being so generous with his time.  Incidentally, if you enjoyed the interview with him, be sure to check out the extended version.  I had to cut a bunch of really good information out to fit it into this week’s show but the whole unadulterated interview is available for free on the Extras Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

But of course, above all else, I need to thank this week’s best people and holy shit was the world chocked full of awesome people this week.  For example, Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard who proved themselves this week by giving us money.  Only people who share the epicurean philanthropy of Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you share Alden, James, Ivy, Vincent, Jason, Nicholas, Adam, Lee Ann, Paul, April, John, Ward, Erik, Kerry, Derrick, Andrea, Tim and Richard’s discerning benevolence, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

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If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Exodus, in Rhyme

by Noah Lugeons

Okay, so I know that this is already in the post right below this one, but I had a few people ask if I could post it separately so that they could link to the poem directly.  So here it is, Exodus, by god, via Moses, via me:

 

The lord said unto Moses, “An Egyptian’s what you pose as,

But just look at all their noses, and you’ll see that you’re a Jew.”

Unto the Lord then replied Moses, “So what do you suppose is,

gonna happen when they know this? Just what am I to do?”

 

So he wandered as he pondered, of the Hebrews he grew fonder

So when he saw one get dishonored he attacked the perpetrator.

The dude was dead so Moses fled but in his head what Yahweh said

Still gave him dread as off he sped, telling Egypt “See you later.”

 

So when he finished with his fleein’ he wound up in Midian,

And he found a priest agreein’ to give up his daughter’s hand.

But the crazy shit he started seein’ left him guaranteein’

That his purpose would be freein’ all the Hebrews in the land.

 

See, he was tending Jethro’s flocks, when on some holy ground he walks,

He finds a burning bush that talks, and it tells him of his fate.

He asks god to choose another, since when he speaks he gets all buggered

God says, “Sure I guess you stutter, but your brother would be great.”

 

So upon this holy edict, they headed back to Egypt

And needed Gershom’s wee-dick when Moses wrestled god,

The Hebrews didn’t dare go, so Moses talked to Pharoah

With his eyes enraged and narrow and both his hands on Aaron’s rod;

 

He said, “LET MY PEOPLE GO!”  But the Pharaoh just said “No”,

And fearing that might be so, tossed down the staff that god empowered,

It became a snake but those Egyptians, also had magicians,

Both of their staffs started hissin’, but quickly got devoured.

 

Still the pharaoh, unimpressed, left this grievance unredressed,

And as you might have guessed, the plagues are here unveiled.

The bloody waters soon arise, frogs start falling from the skies,

He sends a bunch of gnats and flies; epidemics, boils and hail

 

Still, the Hebrews were unpardoned, when God’s locusts ate their gardens,

Since the pharaoh’s heart was hardened, Moses needed one last card to play.

Now with the firstborns lying dead, the pharaoh finally said,

“Take your unleavened bread, and go the fuck away!”

 

They rejoiced with sounds like thunder, when the pharaoh knuckled under,

They grabbed a bunch of plunder and followed smoke that god provided;

But soon doubts about the route came out, unto Moses the devout would shout,

“I guess god’s no fucking eagle scout, just look where we’ve been guided!”

 

You see, pharaoh sent his men of war, in hopes of settling the score,

And here the Jews are on the shore, trapped and ripe for slaughter;

So Moses, feeling like a schmuck, says, “God I think you got us stuck”

It looks like they’re completely fucked, until God divides the water.

 

Forty years of eating manna later, Moses talks to his creator,

So he could act as God’s translator and carve commandments into stone,

And on the impatient Jews behalf, Aaron makes a golden calf,

Which they then pray to, bringing wrath, for which no mercy would be shown.

 

Then starting in chapter twenty four, we mostly just discuss decor,

Despite their being plenty more, important things to tackle,

Important shit just gets ignored, as we spend the last sixteen chapters bored,

Learning exactly how the Lord, wants his tabernacle.