Archive
Episode 49 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language in three… two… fuck.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Pro-Scripture Strength Biblenol. Perfect for those biblically inspired headaches. It’s stronger than Prayer-Bayer and longer lasting than Bibliuprofen.
Biblenol; because somehow the Historical Books are even worse than the Pentateuch.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s January 23rd,
And the extra week before the Superbowl is worse for the NFL than Junior Seau.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright and from pro-federate enclave New York, New York,
And forcibly de-federate, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist
On this week’s episode,
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We revel in the joy of getting piss drinking and nun fucking in the same news cycle.
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We’ll learn how to rape like a Muslim,
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And Lucinda will join us to put on our Monocles to read One Chronicles
Beating me to the poem, I see. But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
My inbox is full of idiots.
As you may know, the other day I went on the most excellent Cognitive Dissonance podcast and gave Tom and Cecil a Tarot card reading. And since then I’m getting a vodka-piss stream of woo-merchants and dipshits emailing me to tell me just how wrong I’ve got it.
To their credit, these aren’t people who are actively out there scamming people and telling them “you’re grandma is gonna get cancer if you don’t donate a hot tub to the next person they lay eyes on… hey, hey, I’m over here” or anything. They almost certainly aren’t charging for their services, and they’re not consciously deceiving anyone. These are just people who have gotten really good at deceiving themselves.
The way they justify their pseudo-scientific hobby is by pointing out that Tarot isn’t about fortune-telling, it’s about divination; it’s about helping people through their problems with universal symbolism. It’s a way to reinforce positive messages and give people hope. It’s just a structured way for someone to try to see their problems from a new angle. What’s the harm in that?
Well, as I pointed out last Monday when I did the reading for Tom and Cecil which you can hear on episode number one hundred and thirty-four of their fine program, there’s plenty of harm. If your goal is to help people through their problems and aid them in seeing things from a new angle, don’t you think you should have some kind of qualification to do that beyond a spare fourteen bucks when you were at Spencer’s Gifts?
It’s belittling to psychologists and psychiatrists to think that any jackass who memorized the Zodiacal influences of some pretty pictures can step in and do their job with no chance of fucking it up. It’s the human psyche, for fuck’s sake; the most complicated thing that we know about. And you’re just gonna dive in there with nothing but the Idiot’s Guide to Vague Verbosity and ask me what’s the harm?
Now that should be all the answer I have to give, but it isn’t all the answer that I can give. Whatever spiritual caveats you might offer, as soon as you start shuffling your deck, you’re putting yourself in a position of authority that you didn’t have to do anything to earn. And it’s gonna be damned easy to take advantage of the person across the table. Even if you don’t succumb to that temptation, you’re just priming the pump for the less principled person that comes after you. And for what? So that you can spend half an hour giving them what DJ Groethe calls your “Aw shucks advice”?
You may think you’re giving them a positive message, but how the fuck do you know? You tell somebody to focus on what makes them happy, but you don’t know how much they love torturing rats with hacksaws. You tell them to never give up on love but you don’t know about the restraining order. You tell them to follow their dream but you don’t know if they dream about disemboweling postal workers.
People who are looking for help shouldn’t be pissing away time checking with sorcerers first. That goes for Tarot card readers, psychics, necromancers, astrologers, palm readers and crystal gazers and pastors, priests, bishops, reverends, rabbis, mullahs and monks. They should instead go to somebody who is qualified to help them through science-based means and they shouldn’t have to navigate a complicated menu to find them.
And yes, I group all of the above in the same category. I’ll freely admit that religious leaders are almost universally better trained to help people with personal crises, but at the same time they’re deferred a lot more authority because of it. For every person who would discount their doctor’s advice on the word of their cartomancer, there are a million who would do so on the advice of their priest. They’re given even more authority and even more opportunity to abuse it. And just like I’d say of the Tarot reader, the honest ones are just priming the adolescent buttocks for the dishonest ones.
Consider the strict licensing and regulation on psychiatrists and psychologists. If it came to light that a psychologist was sleeping with one of their patients, it would probably be a career ending scandal. But as Dr. Darrel Ray points out in both The God Virus and Sex and God, anybody who stays in a church long enough will hear about some pastor sleeping with some congregant. Sometimes the pastor is quietly moved to another church. Sometimes they’re not. But no horny pastor has ever lost his license to past over it.
And I don’t think I need to tell you that nobody ever lost their license to read tarot cards over any abuse of any kind ever.
There is no “harmless bullshit”. And I don’t really care how many paragraphs you can cram into an email, you’re never going to convince me that your faith is quantitatively better that the other faiths just because yours has playing cards.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is hyperborean Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to migrate?
It is fucking freezing here. But I’m like an African swallow. The bird, not the ebony porn title. Non-migratory.
Don’t worry, I’m sure if the Weather Channel had an eleven day forecast there would be a high above freezing on it.
In our lead story tonight, from the “Sister Cum Mother” file, a nun working in Italy failed to plan her parenthood very well and recently gave birth, opting instead for termination of her job, for breaking the vow of chastity. According to her account, God secretly fucked her while she was masturbating on an airplane, but despite the well-known Joseph v. Mary precedent, her immaculate conception alibi was ignored.
Because it couldn’t just be that some nun fucked a dude multiple times. Because how the hell could that be international news, right? Nun fucks wouldn’t make ink on four continents, would it? So clearly there was some divine vine involved.
The ‘Last Scion’ released the following statement: (quote) “It was God’s dick … and I was married to God at the time. Just wait … My half-brother Jesus is gonna be right back, and he’ll tell you.” (end quote)
And apparently putting her money where her mouth is on the issues of contraception and abortion didn’t earn her any favor in the eyes of the Holy See.
As a tribute to the Scathing Atheist, and our mocking nicknames for Pope Francesco Rinaldi, the new mom named her son Francesco. Despite this revelation bringing down the average severity of their scandals considerably, the church feels like this has been a public embarrassment. And once again, Catholic leaders have a tail between their legs because of a child.
Well, I’m not just gonna come out and say that the Pope’s her baby-daddy, but he has shown a recent interest in tits.
Nun gives birth after seemingly immaculate conception: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/10581481/Nun-gives-birth-to-baby-named-after-Pope.html
And moving on to the “Ringing Endorsement From the Voices in my Head” file we bring you an update to a story we covered back in episode 38. You’ll recall Pennsylvania State Representative Rick Saccone from Heath making jokes about how his last name kind of sounds like a reference to testicular amputation.
And we all learned a valuable lesson: Buy your anal beads from the store.
And remember he said buy… not rent. In addition to Saccone’s lopsided nuts, we also discussed his braindead brainchild HB 1728, a proposal that calls for the words “In God we Trust” to be prominently displayed in every Pennsylvania classroom. While trying to justify this crevasse-wiping use of the constitution on a local television show last Sunday, Saccone claimed that the bill had the backing of the atheist community. He cited the off-the-record support of the unnamed head of “Pennsylvania Atheists”, a group that neither speaks for all atheists, nor exists.
Saccone’s running a board meeting: “We’re losing numbers. Gotta do something. Now keeping in mind I already printed a bunch of these … You guys think it’s all the hating women and fags, or you think it’s not enough propaganda posters?”
Of course, we’re all used to religious people taking advice from people who don’t exist so that came as no surprise. What really caught my eye on this story was his claim that “god” isn’t a divisive term since atheists can make it (quote) “whatever god they worship in the form of maybe […] materialism”. So yeah, we atheists can just pray to materialism so what are we so pissed about?
PA state rep makes up some atheists, pretends they support his proposal: http://www.examiner.com/article/atheists-demand-state-representative-apologize
And in “The Other Santorum” news, the Maldives has added ‘tape’ to the list of sticky red stuff that goes with rape. Abdulla Yameen, president of the Islamic theocracy, has vetoed a proposed law that would make it illegal to rape your wife while she fills out divorce paperwork. He called the rape ban (quote) “un-Islamic”.
Well good for it. What higher ethical standard can a law aspire to than “un-Islamic”?
This means two things … 1: Islam has justified rape! … and 2: The Islamic idea of justified rape specifically includes those awkward months before the woman gets tried for divorce. So just to be clear … You’re a woman, and you find out the hard way that you married a righteous rapist, and now you want a divorce. Getting your consent back, is harder than getting a gun. There’s a trial and a lengthy waiting period. Fortunately for women, the divorce settlement process itself, does not take very long, because women don’t own property.
In some cases, though, I think the husband can get visitation rights to the vagina on weekends.
According to the Religion News Service: (quote) “The bill says a husband cannot force his wife to have sex if the couple have filed for divorce, dissolution or mutual separation, and if the intent is to transmit a sexual disease.” (end quote) … So the bill didn’t even target rapists with AIDS, unless they were actively intending to infect their victim. Am I crazy, or did someone just use religion to defend the rights of AIDS-spreading rapists?!? Do we really need to keep making this podcast?!?
Maldivian President declared law against marital rape “un-islamic” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/17/marital-rape-bill-maldives_n_4611006.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And from the “Golden Calf Showers” file, a Hindu cult in northern India is touting the medicinal benefits of drinking pre-dawn virgin cow urine. So they’re not complete idiots … At least they don’t go out there in the middle of the fucking day, and drink piss from slutty octo-mom cows, like a crazy person. Slutty cow piss burns when you drink it from the herpes. Either way, they’re giving a new meaning to the term India Pale Ale (or IPA).
Of course, it’s worth noting that this story comes to us from the paragon of journalistic integrity that is the Daily Mail, so we’ll take it with a grain of creatinine, but we’re reporting on it anyway because they had pictures. And honestly, if the real story here is “unscrupulous Daily Mail photographer coaxes Hindu man into catching cow urine with a drinking glass” it would still be newsworthy enough to make piss puns about.
According to the cult – and the studies they didn’t perform – the hot champagne helps fight cancer, diabetes, tuberculosis, stomach problems, and baldness. So even if drinking cow piss upsets your stomach, these guys have the cure for that … which is literally made up of the piss they made you drink.
See, that’s what I was wondering. Like, if you drink the cow piss and then drink your cow piss piss and then drink your cow piss piss piss, and so on, is that like Hindu homeopathy?
Jairam Singhal, a decade-long urinalcoholic, said the following about the undeniable success of the placebovine excrement remedy: (quote) “I had diabetes, but ever since I have started drinking cow urine, my diabetes levels have been under control” (end quote).
Basically: “I got a bunch of Diabetes about 10 years ago, and I immediately started drinking urine every morning. Thanks to the magic pee, I’ve completely avoided getting more Diabetes since. My levels haven’t gone up by a single Diabetus.”
I so want to see Wilfred Brimley doing a cow piss commercial now. And I’d point out that he is still alive to do it, but we record on Wednesday and release on Thursday so I don’t want to take any chances.
Large numbers of people dumb enough to buy urine, are lining up at local cow shelters. To keep up with surging demand, a successful “Milk, Milk, Lemonade Stand” has popped up in the city of Agra. Obviously, thanks to these honest-to-god piss-sippers, we’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … ‘Slogans for the Medicinal Urine Restaurant’ … GO!!!
“Not on the rug, man…”
“Eat shit and die. Drink piss and live.”
“Would you like to take a piss, or will that be for here?”
“The mens room and the dessert menu have Urinal Cakes!!!”
“Got cancer? Well urine luck!”
“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Number One in your mouth, Number One in your heart.”
“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Never avoid a void.”
“Home of Mixology’s first ever cure-all beverage: the Nitro-Gin and Tonic.”
“Why settle for McDonalds’ special sauce when you can have McTurated special sauce?”
“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Drinking straight from the Bed Panacea.”
“Urinary Tract Perfection”
“Our famous Urine Sampler combo appetizer features assorted cheese whiz, golden drench fries, and potato leak soup.”
“The best leak since Snowden”
“We cross streams like Peter Venkman.”
“Bladder ingredients; Bladder Pizza”
Mop a Johns … What about: “The New Drinkable Cure For Cancer: Pittle. Yellow. Different. Better.”
Hindu cult thinks drinking cow piss cures cancer: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2538520/Urine-drinking-Hindu-cult-believes-warm-cup-sunrise-straight-virgin-cow-heals-cancer-followers-queuing-try-it.html
And finally tonight, in “Stimulate your clit for Jesus” news; wayward youth, dildo dealer and c-list porn star Farrah Abraham has announced a forthcoming book on Christian parenting; set to publish after the completion of her trilogy of erotic fiction. Or, as she actually said, (quote) “My next trilogy – so three books – is an erotic sex novel.” (end quote) Because, you know, she’s, like… a wordsmith and stuff.
And based on my extensive C-List research, she’s one of those dealers who’s also a user. She must go through dildos like a wood chipper.
You might remember Farrah from the MTV exploitation of soul-crushing adolescent mistakes and tragedies, “Teen Mom” but I’m kind of hoping you don’t. If you remember her at all I’d hope it was from the sex tape that she accidentally sold to a porn distributor for over a million dollars. Or perhaps you remember her from that awkward toe in the trigger guard of the shotgun moment you had when you realized that a teen mother cum porn actress cum sex toy seller wrote a book and it was a fucking NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER.
They say write what you know. And she knows getting knocked up at 15, the father dies in a redneck accident, “Lord of the Cock Rings” Trilogy, and finally Christian parenting. That’s a story people can relate to. Lots of dudes are thinking: “You just described my wife.”
And as sad as this story is for every piece of literature ever penned, I should note that it is a powerful reminder that someone can rise up out of poverty, teen pregnancy and untimely widowhood as long as they’re white and have great tits.
Good to know I’ve got potential.
Teen mom and B-list porn star to author Christian parenting book: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/17/teen-mom-who-leaked-her-sex-tape-announces-shes-writing-a-christian-parenting-book/
And on that reference to Heath’s moobs, we’ll close out the headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
I’m holding a rocks glass of scotch in my cleavage.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to learn that books of the Bible apparently have reruns.
Poem:
1 Chronicles in Rhyme
Have I told you the story about the crappy king Saul?
The ass-hunting bastard who squandered it all?
The Philistine fighter who lost many men?
Oh, I have? Well fuck you, I’m gonna tell it again.
Have I told you the story about the other king David?
Who defeated the Moabites and left them enslaved?
Whom god loved in battle and whom won every war?
I have? Oh well, fuck you, I’m gonna tell it some more.
How about Solomon? Did I tell you his tale?
The palace he built at incredible scale?
Oh, I told you he’s wise, super-fertile and rich?
Well I’ll tell you again, cause I’m First Chronicles, bitch.
That’s right, I’ve got nothing unspoken to say;
God said “read this book” and you have to obey.
So consider the previous four books as primers,
And consider this one to be god with Alzheimers.
You don’t care who begat Hezron, or who Hezron begat?
Or maybe you do, but you’ve got it down pat.
After all, we’ve discussed it, and I’ll even admit
This isn’t even the first time we’ve repeated that shit.
We’re just assuming our readers have piss-poor retention,
And clearly the editors aren’t paying attention,
So we’ll just repeat repetition and duplicate verse,
We’ll restate and rehash and reprise and rehearse.
And rework, and remind and reform and redo,
And resay, and revert and recast and renew,
Reconstruct, recrudesce, reproduce and rewrite
Refashion, reiterate, relive and recite.
Cause fuck it, it’s biblical and that all that counts.
So here’s nine chapters of names that no one can pronounce.
And maybe a chapter with a god praising song;
That’s a rip-off of Psalms and is two pages long.
I find describing how dull this book is rather challenging,
But in hopes that I can, here’s my nearest analogy;
Your at grandma’s and there’s this adorable clip that she found,
On YouTube of dogs chasing lasers around.
It’s twelve minutes long and it sucks and what’s more,
She’s shown you this same fucking montage before.
So you sit through it all and she says “Here’s another thing!”
Well First Chronicles is like the parts where the next one is buffering.
So sure, this books useless, and just makes the thing thicker,
And inspires those reading it to put bleach in their liquor,
But they need to remind you that like it or not,
The bible suck’s monkey nuts, in case you forgot.
Babble:
If, like me, you make it through the first twelve books of the bible and say, “well that was crap”, don’t feel alone. It turns out the people writing this shit felt the same way, as One Chronicles is basically an alternate account that retells the entire fucking story to this point with a few minor tweaks and additions.
Yeah, apparently biblical reboots come faster than Spiderman reboots. Somebody read this thing and said, “It needs more exactly the same stuff again”.
So joining us to reiterate and rephrase is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, thanks for coming back for more.
Well, I tried the old “not tonight, honey, I have a headache” thing, but you weren’t having any of that shit so here I am with fucking bells on.
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Apparently the people charged with summing up the first dozen books read them and said to themselves, “You know what parts suck? The ones that aren’t soul-crushing genealogies,” because they elected to start the book out with nine straight chapters of begats. So not much to summarize there, basically Adam was born and everyone who existed from then to the postexilic period is named there somewhere. What’s say we start in chapter ten?
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Yeah, in case anybody forgot what a horrible fuck up Saul was, we rehash how the Israelites got their asses kicked under his command. Again.
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And with Saul’s last words, he asked his gay slave to kill him, (quote) “lest these uncircumcised come and abuse me.” So the gimp refuses, and Saul falls on his own sword, to avoid capture and the inevitable lifetime of … apparently some sort of legendary Phillistine foreskin slap torture.
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But then at the end it reminds you that it was because Saul consulted a medium instead of the Lord; so calling miss Cleo justifies the massacre and displacement of god’s chosen people. Got it.
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Chapter eleven is a brief list of ancient Jewish badasses, and a few vainglorious accounts of the ass they kicked.
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Yeah, at a certain point it just starts reading like a really long, rambling acceptance speech at the Oscars. You know, somebody who just won best costume design in a foreign language documentary is holding up the show thanking everyone they’ve ever met: “And I’d like to thank all the Benjamites and the Judahites that came to the stronghold of David; and I want to thank Ahiezer, Joash, Jeziel and Pelet for bringing David bread when he was unable to move about freely, and where all my Manassites at? Adnah, Jozabad, Jedial, Mikey, my main man Elihu…”
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Yeah, so to summarize what Noah just said there, this book is boring compared to the Oscars. That should tell you all you need to know.
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Then there’s the groovy remix of “Uzzah gets killed for touching the ark”
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It’s like the book itself is admitting that it’s too boring to read. It’s saying “Yeah, this dude Uzzah exploded when he touched the ark but we can’t imagine you weren’t skimming when we talked about it before”
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This book is sounding more and more like the Chris Farley show: Remember…Remember when “Seven And they carried the ark of God on a new cart, from the house of Abinadab, and Uzzah and Ahio were driving the cart. Eight And David and all Israel were celebrating before God with all their might, with song and lyres and harps and tambourines and cymbals and trumpets.” … That was awesome … Stupid- I’m such an idiot!!!
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And so that you know we’re not overstating the boring here, consider this; we’re not just reading unpronounceable lists of bronze age Jewish royalty; we’re re-reading unpronounceable lists of bronze age Jewish royalty.
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Well, re-skimming…
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And in case you somehow managed to miss the entire central theme of the last four books we just fucking read, One Chronicles reminds us that David is awesome and kicks much ass.
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I can’t help but think of the profound disappointment that people must have felt when Luther translated this thing. You know, it’s supposed to be this magical book of intrigue and answers that all the priests refer to, so you finally get a vulgar masses, Reader’s Digest translation, you leaf to a random page and land in One Chronicles. And it’s a list of the members of some ancient choir that sang at the “Ark Relocation” party.
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Chapter seventeen reminds us that god liked David the bestest of everybody. Ever.
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Yeah God is pleased with David for carrying his exploding death-box around, and also for fucking anything with three holes, so he gives him a really nice house for his harem of 3000 women and their shitty red-headed step-children. Bottom line: God’s happy and David’s getting more ass than Muhammad Ali aiming for pussy.
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I get the feeling like this whole book was inspired by somebody reading the last four books and saying, “I can’t imagine a more boring way to present the history of Israel” and another guy saying, “I can”
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It’s like listening to a kid tell a joke they don’t get over and over again.
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Yeah reading One Chronicles is like listening to your shitty five-year-old nephew tell a joke on the phone. First you get 30 seconds of what sounds like … a litter of puppies fighting to lick bacon grease off the receiver … while the stupid kid gets the phone in his hand. And then they put italics and question marks in there for no reason … “Yeah and then Abishai? the son of Zeruiah? Killed 18,000 Edomites in the (breathe) Valley of Salt-okay-bye.”
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In nineteen we revisit the whole Ammonite servant-shaving war… because… I don’t even know. Ancient Israel must have just been that boring.
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Right? A few emissaries get wedgied by Hanun and they’re gossiping about it for four god damn centuries? Seriously?
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Here’s a quote: “So Hanun took David’s servants and shaved them and cut off their garments in the middle, at their hips, and sent them away.” I think we made an ass-less chaps joke when they told this exact same story the first time. Which was hilarious … Ass-less chaps on dessert-dwelling Jewish midgets is just about 24-carat comic gold … But we didn’t mention the genius wardrobe suggestion for a Koran-friendly compromise on Muslim porn. The women can trade in their eye slit, for a tit slit, or a slit slot.
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And you can tell there’s an inferiority complex driving this whole thing. It all reads like some subjugated motherfuckers sitting around going, “remember when Jews kicked ass?”
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There’s a reason “Knocked Up” wasn’t two hours of Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen getting drunk and talking about the movie “Munich”.
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And then we’re reminded of the evils of census taking. Which is weird, because Moses did it twice in Numbers and nobody had to be plagued to death over it. But yeah, the trip down memory cul-de-sac continues.
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Yep. We relive all the excitement of counting the cedar trees used to build the temple as we transition from David to Solomon in chapter twenty-two.
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Yes, and lest we forget, Levites don’t have to do work.
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Probably the single most oft repeated edict in this book so far; Levites are special and don’t have to do shit that’s sweaty.
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And chapter twenty-four is probably the current leader for the most boring individual chapter in the bible. It’s a detailed genealogy of Moses and Aaron, which we already read once in the Pentateuch, once at the beginning of this same book and again in the directly antecedent chapter!
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And it holds that title until chapter twenty five, where we get a detailed twenty-four part genealogy of the lyre, harp and cymbal players. Fuckeringfuckatash.
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I don’t get it. Jews are a musical people. But a possessed frontman having spasms and speaking in tongues … accompanied by lyre, harp, and cymbals … would be the worst band ever!!! First of all, lyre and harp are almost the same thing, so how is that two thirds of the instrumentation?!? And then add people smashing metal discs together. That’s not a reasonable composition.
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And then they follow up the biblical “This one time at band camp” story with an even more detailed genealogy of all the bouncers that worked the temple door.
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…And then one for all the civil servants.
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I feel like an ass even covering this book. It’s just Samuel again. It’s the whole two fucking books retold. We honestly could have done this book as a “greatest hits” mash up of our last four Babble segments. In twenty eight we’re reminded of just how fucking gilded this temple Solomon was building was.
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The temple of our housewife of Beverly Hills
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And then David dies again, Solomon is anointed again, they kill a bunch of bulls again and holy shit this reading the bible shit was a horrible idea.
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I’m so excited there’s another Chronicles coming up after this one … Like Hayden Christensen excited. Annakin was the bomb in Phantom Menace, so…
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Word, bitch, Phantom Menace like a motherfucker!!!
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I feel like a rape victim at half-time. It’s confusing … poignant moment.
I don’t know, I feel like we should apologize to our listeners for how boring the Bible is. An encyclopedia would be more fucking entertaining. I can’t imagine how we’re gonna keep from putting them to sleep when we do Second Chronicles.
Well, look on the bright side; at least you don’t have to write a fucking poem about it.
Alright, so after all that this is hard for me to say, but the Holy Babble will be back in episode 52 with Second Chronicles, but don’t worry, I’m sure that one will be awesome.
Outro:
Before we close the hood tonight I wanted to thank everyone for their ideas for mash-ups and flashbacks for our fiftieth episode next week. We’re still taking suggestions so if you have a favorite skit, moment, interview or vulgarity from our first forty-nine shows, let us know. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page of our website.
And if you just can’t get enough me, you can find me all over the podcasting world this week. Tom and Cecil were kind enough to invite me back on Cognitive Dissonance to give them a Tarot reading; Cash and Love from Atheists on Air invited me on their show last Monday to talk about sex and circumcision and John and JD at Rational Talk invited me on to chat about this program and all the behind-the-scenes stuff it takes to pull it off every week. You’ll find links to all these shows on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Cognitive Dissonance; Episode 134: http://dissonancepod.com/?p=702
Rational Talk; Homepage: http://www.therationaltalk.com/
Atheists On Air; Episode 29: http://mythunderstoodalliance.com/029-sexpisode-iv-scathing-atheist-steve-wells-sab/
Of course I need to thank Heath for all his wit and wisdom. I need to thank Lucinda for suffering through probably the most boring book of the bible so far with us. I also really, really need to thank McKenzie and McKenzie’s mom for providing the hand’s-down cutest Farnsworth Quote to date. Lucinda and I listened to it four times in a row when we got it. Thanks, it was awesome.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most stellar exemplifications of sentient stardust, Shelby, Vinnie, John, Geoff (Jeff), Magnus, Thomas, Ramesh and Ben. Shelby, who’s so kick ass they named a Mustang after her back when Mustangs looked cool; Vinnie, whose mighty member is worshipped by island peoples throughout the Pacific; John, whose legendary sexual prowess echoes on the lips of carnal professionals the world over; Geoff (Jeff), whose IQ has exponents; Magnus, the supreme chancellor of the intergalactic defense federation; Thomas, whose humility forced Time Magazine to settle for the Pope last year; Ramesh, whose so classy he gets his whoop-ass from a bottle; and Ben, whose ejaculations are measured on the enhanced Fujita scale.
This octuple of brave, soulless individuals have tested their mettle against the unforgiving crucible that is our donation page and returned stronger, smarter and more appealing to members of the opposite sex. If you think that you, too, have the psychological acuity required to become a sponsor of our show, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And remember, Lucinda and I need to buy a new timing belt and all the other requisite auto-parts that constitute a full vehicle, preferably all pre-assembled and fully functional, so every dollar helps.
And of course, if you want to help but you’re afraid we’ll just use the money to buy booze, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes and telling your friends about the show, especially the ones who might listen to it. You can also find us on all the finest social media sites and Facebook and don’t forget to listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 46 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by… Catholi-Size Matters: Jesus-themed porn production company. We’re the guys that brought you: Glory Holy Bible Camp, The Hi-Res Erection, Keaster Sunday, and of course Keaster Sunday Deuce: The Second Coming Via Prostate . . .
Catholi-Size Matters: We put a (painful) new twist on “Veggie Tails”
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s 2014 of all things
And now I’m hung over from the drugs I took for my hangover.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from deep in the bowels of New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
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Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin die in a tragic running with scissors accident,
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We’ll make shit up,
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And Noah’s wife will join us two take Two Kings at the same time.
But first, the diatribe…
Headlines
Joining me for headlines last week is temporally vexing Heath Enwright. Heath, were you ready to toss off your chronological yoke?
No, but I will be by the time we recorded this.
Alright, and of course, as this episode is prerecorded, we don’t actually know now what happened in headlines this week, but in the almost full year we’ve been doing this, I think it’s safe to say we can accurately predict what will have happened by the time this episode airs.
So what follows are the stories that we’re pretty sure will happen between now and then.
So with that in mind, in our lead story tonight, the Pope made worldwide headlines this week when he found a baby bird that had fallen out of its mother’s nest and attempted to nurse it back to health. Dozens of major media outlets obligingly ignored the fact that he runs a worldwide institution that has actively obstructed international legal attempts to investigate their role in systematic child torture as recently as this month and reported on the baby bird story instead.
Yeah he was in Africa right? Helping glue live flies and fake cleft-palettes on the faces of starving children for the UNICEF commercial?
You’re partially right. He was in Africa. But Pope Framnesia actually found the bird while jerking off homeless amputees in the slums of Nigeria and despite the warm bed of cotton and the painstakingly julienned worms he provided, the bird died the following morning. The pope blessed it and they had a little funeral in the Vatican’s backyard.
———–
And in “Archaeology of Covenant” news, diggers unearthed the real god box, and found a previously unpublished prologue to the Bible. The 1-page introduction simply read: (quote) “This whole book in an allegory, so don’t take anything literally, and don’t get carried away. I’m just a dude writing a book.” (end quote)
Yeah it also had the controversial dedication page “To my bitches” along with a long list of acknowledgments to Egyptian mythology and the dude who wrote the Epic of Gilgamesh.
While this marks the end of Judaism, Christians and Muslims are insisting the prologue was written before their God existed, and therefore doesn’t apply to them. Strangely enough, despite this revelation, Satan hasn’t taken over, and people seem to be raping and pillaging at the normal Old Testament clip.
To be fair, we’re way more certain about the Ark being found than the Satan not taking over part of this hypothetical news item.
———–
And in “Check chapter one of his dental record” news tonight, popular American mega-pastor Joel O’Steen was found dead in Florida last week in what authorities are calling “anal auto-erotic stimulation gone tragically wrong”.
I heard he got one of his humongous incisors lodged in his colon, and died of internal bleeding. That’s why you never go ass to mouth solo. I vote that if O’Steen actually dies between now and then, we still run this skit. Even if “anal auto-erotic tragedy” somehow isn’t the cause of death.
According to an article that we expect will by now be on the Huffington Post, off-the-record sources report that a gold or brass plated automated butt-plug might have been involved in the accident, though nobody yet knows how many horsepower it had or who has the butt plug now.
———–
And in PERFECT news, over the course of 48 hours, a half Christian, half Muslim, chiropractor, exorcist, pedophile, mohel with AIDS, gave a shitty massage, virus-raped several babies, drowned a puppy in a cauldron, and accidentally killed himself with an explosive anvil that he got from the Acme store.
And you can tell he was all the way in it, because it would have been a hell of a lot easier to use a tub or something, but that motherfucker found a cauldron in which to drown his puppy. See, that’s the problem with religion. It forces you to drown your puppies in archaic receptacles.
Not only was this the greatest Darwin Award string of events that ever occurred, but before this guy spent two days in a fucked-up Ed Norton commercial, he was a porn star in gay parodies of 90’s comedy movies. And, his last words before he died were: “Put 30 seconds on the clock.” … Love this guy!!! Team player . . .
I’ll start it off with “Dropping the Soapdish”
Shitty Slickers?
Glazed and Confused
Forrest’s Rump
“The Pud Sucker Proxy” … Which is the worst job on a gay porn set. You’re basically the stunt fluffer. If you do well, you could be promoted to fluffer.
I’m torn between Plop Fiction and Pulp Friction…
———–
And in the “There’s actually a Senator named Crapo” file tonight, Idaho Senator Mike Crapo proposed a piece of sweeping legislation officially titled the “Muslims and Butt Sex Scare Me Act of 2013”.
Critics are claiming the legislation is full of pork, but it’s not clear whether they’re making a pun about Muslims fearing swine, or making the more obvious reference to the butt sex.
The law would allow Christian employers to force secular employees to pray, accept Jesus as their lord and savior and remain celibate until marriage; it would make it illegal to own property that didn’t have a baby Jesus on it during Christmas; and it calls for the deportation of Muslims and gays.
So we’re gonna set up a new nation for deported gay Muslims? Call it Guy-beria? MenPal-estine? Bowel-estine? Maybe Israel has some disputed territories we could annex back.
Not exactly. They’ll be deported to San Francisco. Conservative commentator and heart attack being staved off with liberally MacGyvered wiring Rush Limbaugh praised Crapo’s proposal until he realized that Crapo intended to use the parts of the bay area that are above sea level.
What does current sea level matter to Limbaugh, when there’s about to be a giant flood due to all the gays and public dancing?!?
The “Muslims and Butt Sex Scare Me Act of 2013” or, as is referred to in the mainstream media, the “Towels and Bowels Act” has been attacked from both sides of the political aisle.
The alternative media is calling it the “Rags and Fags Act”.
Liberals call the law gratuitous, draconian and theocratic, while conservatives denounced the law for in no way interfering with women’s reproductive autonomy.
Anyway, that’s gonna do it for pre-headlines tonight, Heath, thanks for having joined me.
Glad to be here.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to polish off Kings.
Babble (Two Kings)
Two Kings is the final in what was originally a four part history of Israel spanning the period from the first kings to the Babylonian exile under Nebuchadnezzar. The divisions aren’t arbitrary; when the book was first penned it was written in scrolls and there was a limit to how long a scroll could be before it became too cumbersome to transport.
And this is worth noting because as you read it, it seems like even an incompetent editor could have knocked this down to one scroll without losing anything that wasn’t begging to be lost.
No kidding. So joining us to delve ever deeper into the rectum of scripture is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Glad to be hear. And gross.
Alright, so we’ve kept everyone in suspense for three weeks, so let’s not make them wait any longer.
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Yeah, Two Kings gets right to the action. King Ahazia got hurt so he sends his men to go ask some foreign god to help out. Real god gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell the king’s messengers that for asking the wrong god, real god is gonna kill him out of spite.
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So the king says: “What kind of dude was this alleged prophet from real god?”
And his messengers say: “Well he looked pretty authentic. He had the hair shirt … and the leather belt … and completely nude, otherwise. Seemed credible.”
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The kings pissed so he sends for Elijah, but every time they send fifty men to bring him down from his mountain he goes all “Tim the Enchanter” on them and calls down fire from heaven to incinerate them.
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Until the third captain and his fifty men come up and remember to say please.
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Then Elijah dies, becoming yet another flaming chariot statistic, but he passes along his super god-powers to Elisha before he does.
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Yeah Elisha says to Elijah: (quote) “Please let there be a double portion of your spirit on me.” . . . I’ll just balance that “cum joke” on this golf tee, and y’all can-
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A double portion of spirit on him? That’s either body shots, or money shots. A little weird either way.
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I know Elijah’s a man of god and all, but it seems like even he would need a few minutes between portions.
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I figured the spirit would come inside him, not on him. That’s right, we do our “cum jokes” in proper threes like gentlemen.
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Filthy monkey gentlemen.
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And filthy monkey gentlewomen.
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And then we get his Bruce Almighty moment where he has to try out all the new shit. He parts a river, blesses a well …
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Right, he put salt in the well to prevent dead babies. Elisha’s Famous Saline Miscarriage Solution.
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Then he summons divine she-bears to maul the kids that made fun of him for being bald… Honestly, I’ve been looking forward to that moment since we started reading this fucking thing. And sure enough, there it is. Two Kings 2:23-25. Some kids call him bald, which he is, so he curses them and two she-bears…
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(very important that we know the gender, apparently)
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…Yeah, they were chick-bears. And they kill forty two children! Did all forty two call him bald? Were they chanting it? Did they all stand in a long line? Anyway, yeah, call Elisha bald and get mauled by bears. Check.
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Then in chapter three, and try to keep up here, the kings of Edom, Israel and Judah set off for war with Moab and they forgot to bring water. So they get Elisha and he’s a dick about it, but he helps them by summoning a flood and getting god on their side against Moab… until the king burns his son alive in god’s name, at which time god calls them off because, hey, god has a thing for incinerated children.
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Makes perfect sense.
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Chapter 4 kicks off with Elisha fracking supernatural gas for some degenerate widow-gambler. The whole story seems to be an endorsement of United States foreign policy. If you owe creditors, you can pay off your debts by ruining the environment, and taking oil from religious Middle Eastern men.
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Right so besides the oil thing, Elisha also multiplies some corn, makes a barren woman pregnant, brings the kid back to life when he dies and unpoisons some stew.
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Yeah, and I didn’t think they’d go straight back to this particular magical power, but Elijah definitely taught his protege how a dude can dry hump a dead baby back to life … But it’s not as bad as it sounds … This time, the kid sneezes seven times … Which is only three short of an orgasm … So that like 70% consentual already.
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And then Elisha cures a dude of leprosy… before giving the leprosy to his servant for being an asshole.
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And the leper he cured was a big army commander. I can’t help but picture the Black Knight with no arms and no legs … still yelling at Arthur-
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“What are you gonna do, bleed on me?!?”
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“I’m invincible!!!”
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“You’re a looney.”
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“I’ll bite your legs off!”
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And since it wasn’t made explicitly clear in the first five chapters, Elisha isn’t some kind of fake prophet … who can’t magneto a metal axe-head out of the ocean. He did – in fact – do exactly that. And like 3 or 4 un-named ancient desert lumberjacks saw it.
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He also strikes an entire army blind, marches them to a different city, gives them back their sight and makes them dinner I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves here, but Elisha is making Jesus look like a pussy.
-
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And this is where God’s divine biographer insists that we know about the state of the barter economy. So for the record, two and a half liters of bird shit, were equal in value, to legally purchasing a rape victim from her father … Although the author doesn’t make it clear whether this is too much – or too little – bird shit.
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So that’s a real thing in the Bible!!! And we’re the assholes?!? The nominee for divine book of creation, effectively contains a bird shit to daughter-rape conversion chart, and we’re the assholes?!?
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And as if we hadn’t spent enough time on what a bad ass Elisha is, there’s a siege against Samaria.
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And you know it’s bad when people start pulling the old “we’ll eat your son today and mine tomorrow” trick.
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But the king asks for Elisha’s help so he has god trick all the besiegers into running off, which apparently he could have done before they started eating their children.
-
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And then we get some fucking literature for a change. Took me 544 pages of this shit before I actually stopped and said, “Oh, that was good”, but when we get the story of Elisha and Hazael, it actually gave me goosebumps. That was some solid shit.
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Phenomenal introduction of a villain.
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And yeah, I’m not gonna spoil it. It’s that good. I suggest you read those 9 sentences. And if you haven’t been listening along, by the way, those are the first 9 sentences of this book that I’d recommend to anyone.
-
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So everybody’s still warring with everybody and Elisha’s sick of it so he sends one of his acolytes to declare a new king via drive-by anointing.
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So Jehu becomes king over all of Israel, but nobody told the current king so Jehu gathers up an army to go tell him himself. And the kings of both Judah and Israel do exactly what it says to do in the Monarch Manual when a new claimant to the throne shows up at your gates. They wander out and ask what he wants. So he shoots them both to death with arrows.
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And he finally makes good on god’s promise to have dogs eat Jezebel by getting a couple of eunuchs to toss her out the window.
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“Any castrated slaves up there, who aren’t completely satisfied with their employment situation? Defenestrate that bitch!!!”
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And then Jehu goes on a fucking rampage. He demands the heads of all 70 of Ahab’s sons and he uses them to decorate the city gates. Then he kills all Ahab’s priests, loyalists, patrons, childhood friends, fluffer, substitute teachers…
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And then he rounds up all the worshippers of Baal, kills them, burns down their temple and pisses on it.
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And now the public restrooms at Disney Holy Land stand on that spot. I imagine slaves dressed as golden calves run around in a pit, and Israeli kids piss on them to earn prize tickets.
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Then we meet the evil queen Athaliah who’s such a cunt that the people overthrow her to install a seven year old as their king.
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And there were Batman Lego sets for all
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And chapter twelve seems like it was retrofitted when a lot of people started asking where the money was going.
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Yeah, an odd diversion for a dozen paragraphs while it promises us that all the money is going to temple repairs, we swear.
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And those were NOT child slaves, those were union contractors. We Jews choose our laborers the same way as our women: Slow and expensive, but talented with tools.
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And try as they might, the Israelites can’t please the lord. They burn the worshippers of Baal, but they leave the sacred pillars. They destroy the sacred pillars, they leave the high places. They just can’t get it together so god keeps punishing them by letting other nations annex bits of their country.
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I’m just curious . . . How the FUCK do you end the existence of a “high place”?!? Build something taller, so the original spot is no longer a high place? You can’t ban ‘height relativism’.
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And if that’s not enough, the stupid king doesn’t strike his magic arrows into the ground enough times when Elisha dies so they can’t obliterate Aram.
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And if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear these guys didn’t read the book of the annals of the kings of Israel, because they never remember to turn away from the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, which he had caused Israel to commit, which was made up of the unkosher shit they ate.
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Then in fourteen we get the reign of ancient Judean king and Vegas strip-tease magician “Amaziah”.
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–
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And the next two chapters just repeat the dull “kings list” pattern; so and so, son of so and so, reigned for so many years in Israel and he did evil in the sight of the lord, and he slept with his ancestors and they buried him in the city of David. Next!
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Plus you’re trying to keep up with two kingdoms at once which makes it a migraine.
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And in between doing evil in the sight of the lord and dying, there’s always one trivial fact about him. He went to war with so and so, he massacred Edomites, he paid off the king of Assyria… Who picks the one thing that they say about the dude? I can’t imagine the most significant thing that King Ahaz did was temple decor.
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And then the Assyrians finally show up and get the exile started, ostensibly because the Israelites worshipped gods other than proper jew god.
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And here’s what I don’t get about god… he’s pissed at the jews because some of them didn’t worship him exclusively, so he gives their land to a group where none of them worship him exclusively.
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Yeah, it’s almost like it was a post-hoc rationalization by besieged monotheists.
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It’s nice the way god’s existence takes the meaning away from the failure/success concept … and also everything we ever do as humans.
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But, of course, the newcomers don’t know how to keep jew god happy so they suffer a number of lion attacks as they adjust.
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Yes, and apparently at present the jews are being held captive in Assyria to this very day. Because it says so in the bible. And the bible is literal according to people who either haven’t read or haven’t comprehended it.
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They just pay one Jewish dude to dress up as the mascot, and stand in a cage with a placard of 2 Kings 17. “Look I’m an authentic Israelite exiled forever to this shitty street corner in Northern Iraq. Don’t let this happen to you.” Religion’s like the Truman Show, but with 6 billion Trumans all getting fooled at once, somehow.
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And then we meet king Hezekiah of Judah, who tells the Assyrian King to fuck off.
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The king is pissed but god is pissed-er and when the Assyrian army marches on them, God kills them in the night, leading everyone who ever served in one of god’s armies to say, “Wait… if you can just kill them yourself, what the fuck do you need me for?”
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“We’ve been marching around a desert for decades, wearing 150 pounds of bronze, swinging swords, and you have drones with smart bombs?!? I’m chafing like a leper over here. My crotch looks like a half-eaten pastrami on rye.”
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Hezekiah gets sick, and in a chronologically perplexing twist Isaiah shows up to tell him he’s gonna die. He asks god really nicely and god agrees to add 15 years to his life and turn the sun back a few minutes to show that he means it.
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And if you want to know more about Hezekiah, is it not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?
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And can I just say that the Annals of the Kings of Judah must have been a fucking dull read. I can’t help but think of it as the outtakes of the shittiest parts of the Old Testament.
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Then we get a couple particularly ungodly kings. You know, build their sacred poles in really high places and what-not.
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And then we get Josiah, who I’m starting to think commissioned this thing. Anyway, his cleaning lady finds a book entitled “How to not make god destroy Judah” and when the king starts reading it, of course, they’re doing all the shit it says not to do.
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So they tear their clothes. Disheartened jews and angry wrestlers…
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This is also where Josiah embezzles some wishing well gold. He says to the high priest: “Take all our cash, and give it to my friend who’s in charge of the carpenter’s union. He’s super honest, so don’t even worry about getting a receipt. And then go back and rewrite chapter 12 to have several details that conveniently correspond to what I’m telling you is happening right now. Probably a good idea to put something about this in the book of the annals of the kings too.
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And he busts his ass to de-heathen the whole place, but god’s unimpressed so he decides to wipe Judah out as well.
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Then in twenty-four Nebuchadnezzar shows up and it’s so welcome. And he takes Judah and breaks Solomon’s toys.
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But the puppet king Nebuchadnezzar left in charge doesn’t know what’s good for him so he rebels, so Ol’ Nebby takes the city, captures the king, kills his sons, pokes his eyes out and takes him captive.
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And then they try to put a positive spin on it at the end by pointing out that the next king was really nice to the blind, deposed prisoner that used to lead the Jews.
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He even got an allowance … which was ample.
And thus ends a migraine of a four-book history of Israel that began back in One Samuel. I don’t know about you guys, but I learned nothing.
The good news, though, is that as I understand it Chronicles is basically an alternate ending to that whole story so we’re not out of the woods yet. But we’ve got three weeks to rub our temples before taking that one on. Heath, Lucinda, thanks as always.
Episode 45 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Link to Episode
Link to Foundation Beyond Belief
Warning: This podcast breaks between 50 and 70 per cent of the commandments, depending on who you ask.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fox’s new “holistic programming” channel: Placebo FX; featuring an all-star line up of pseudo-scientific programming including hits like “Grey’s Astrology”, Chiropractor Who and Sons of Anthropometry.
Placebo FX: Because TV execs stopped trying when they realized people would watch American Idol.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s December 26th
And we can finally listen to elevator music in public places again.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from city waiting for it’s balls to drop, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
-
Belgium puts the youth back in euthanasia,
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Optimus Prime will die for your sins,
-
And Hemant Mehta rejoins us to spackle some cracks in the wall of separation.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
Last week I was doing a little Insufficiently-Executed-Jew-Mas shopping at one of New York’s fine Fifth Avenue retail establishments when I happened upon 5 white haired little old ladies in matching smocks. And on these smocks they’d written, in glue and glitter, the words, “Granny Peace Brigade”. And unlike me, they weren’t giving in to seasonally induced mindless-consumerism. No, quite the opposite in fact. They were there to protest. And of all the evils that face our world, they’d chosen to invest their efforts of protestation on fucking video games.
And I stood there and regarded them with anthropological curiosity. Because clearly they’d put some time into this. They’d spent the money on matching yellow smocks and they didn’t half ass the glitter. They’d clearly each made their own, but each one had the team name written in block letters of approximately the same height. And they’d all met up for crafts and maybe some lunch or something and then headed out to show those evil retailers how they felt about them filthy computer whats-its with the blood and guts in ‘em.
So it’s not the they weren’t willing to put in the time to research it. They just didn’t do it. Do violent video games correlate with violence? There’s mountains of good data out there and much of it is available for free on the internet. The consensus seems to be almost certainly no and while there’s some indication that violent people tend toward violent video games, there’s no compelling evidence to suggest that violent video games lead to increases in violent behavior.
But these ladies didn’t bother to check. They’d already invested time and passion and glitter in this shit. You think they were gonna do some independent research that might have proved them wrong? Hell no! Obviously research wasn’t on the menu or they would have picked a store that sold video games.
Research, shmesearch. They looked at video games, saw violence, looked at the news, saw violence and they put two and two together. Sure, they got thirteen, but the important thing is that they had an excuse to get together with the bridge club and make a trip to Ben Franklins.
And when I see these misguided geriatric “blood”ites and their fruitless campaign to impact violence through good intentions and stupidity, I can’t help but think back to four mandatory years in high school of English lit with no classes on critical thinking. No pre-requisites about psychology or epistemology or formal logic. And nothing against English Lit, but so far in my adult life the ability to spot bullshit has been far handier than even the best of quatrains.
But thanks to religious fundies, critical thinking isn’t on the school menu. Because think of all the shit teachers get when they teach redneck kids about evolution. Imagine if the kids were coming home asking where Noah got his Patagonian pumas. Or how Moses wrote the parts about his own funeral. Or why we should thank god for sacrificing himself to himself in the first place.
I’m not going to say that religion is the reason people are stupid, but it helps. It fosters a stupid, overly-accommodating culture that says there are multiple ways to arrive at truth and the ones with evidence and data aren’t any better than the ones without. We have different ways of evaluating the truth and sure, yours uses your brain, but mine uses my heart. Or my pancreas, since that’s just as logical a place to say my thoughts come from as my heart. And my pancreas thoughts are as good as your brain thoughts because science can’t tell us everything and nobody knows for sure.
And meanwhile, if we could just set all that shit aside and agree on a consistent and logical way of evaluating claims (we could call it science) then we could figure out what matters and what doesn’t and put our time toward something more productive than protesting video games, but we’d rather not do that because we don’t like being wrong… and we’ve already made the smocks.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is reigning Champion of the InKredulous Podcast, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to throw down some of that award winning incredulity?
Why are we even talking about this?!? This entire podcast should go without saying!!!
If god existed, I wouldn’t win at anything!!!
Well done; now how about some of that award-eligible headline delivering?
In our lead story tonight, A&E suspended ‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson, after the release of a GQ interview, in which he made several unoriginal homophobic remarks, including a hackneyed comparison of gay sex to bestiality. As a result, God-fearing, Christian, heterosexual sheep fuckers everywhere, are up in arms. And that means Westboro Baptist Church is up in arms.
Yeah, when the Westboro Baptist Church is coming to your defense, it’s a good sign your career is over.
So the heir to the “synthetic quacking fortune” released a statement…
Did it just say, “I’m a 67 year old Christian redneck from Louisiana that kills small animals for a living; of course I hate queers you idiots.”
No, it actually explained how he’s super tolerant of gays: (quote) “We just give ’em the good news about Jesus – whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later.” (end quote) …
So that’s nice. He doesn’t put arbitrary labels on people, like gay … alcoholic … suicide bomber.
And as for that ‘good news’ … those groups are all equally going to hell fairly. So good news gay drunks who’ve been dying to get into terrorism: Nothing holding you back now!!! And good news lesbian Al Queda soldiers: Drink up!!! And good news bi-curious alcoholic suicide bombers: Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance!!!
“Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance”… okay, so when we get them to take “In God We Trust” off the money, we’ve got a ready replacement.
Along with the WBC, several other professional bigoted assholes have voiced support for Robertson’s traditionally acceptable hate speech, including the Family Research Council, and Quran-burning Pastor Terry Jones. They argue that A&E “not H-eight-ing fags”, denies Robertson’s First Amendment Right to exercise Christianity in a world where all corporations H-eight fags.
The Duck Dynasty Guy getting from the Westboro Baptist Church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/20/westboro-baptist-duck-dynasty_n_4479995.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And from the “Now Where Will We Crucify Voltron?” file tonight, a San Diego federal judge has decided that a 43 foot tall concrete cross on public property could be interpreted as a government endorsement of Christianity.
Or at least government persecution of Jews, Muslims, and Transformers.
Don’t say that around Michael Bay or I swear Optimus’ll be hanging from this thing in part seven. Now I think it’s worth noting that this is only the latest in a long series of judges ruling the Mount Soledad cross unconstitutional. Legal wrangling over the status of the controversial eyesore has been ongoing since 1989 and it was already found to be unconstitutional once in the nineties and again in 2011. Because it’s a giant, gaudy cross sitting on top of a mountain on public property and it doesn’t take a seasoned magistrate to see what’s wrong with that.
I’d say the best way to get rid of the cross would be burning it. Shouldn’t be too hard to find some Christians to get on board with that.
Proponents of the cross have tried everything from making the surrounding space a memorial to selling the land to transferring it to federal jurisdiction to avoid complying with the constitution, and despite the fact that a church a few hundred feet from the present location has offered to keep it on their property, proponents fight on because what’s the point of having a 29 foot tall cross on a 14 foot base if it isn’t on the summit of a mountain?
Judge orders that Mount Soledad cross be removed: http://marksilk.religionnews.com/2013/12/13/why-the-mt-soledad-cross-and-its-like-are-unconstitutional/
And in “Salvation Arms Race” news, the War on Christmas rages on, as bell-ringer Kristina Vindiola was punched really hard in the arm, while collecting donations outside an Arizona Wal-Mart. Reports indicate she provoked the violence when she started shouting anti-Christian epithets like “Happy Holidays”.
This may be the stupidest example of Christian dominionism. Set aside that before they started getting all uppity about it most people thought of “Happy holidays” as a way of getting Merry Christmas and Happy New Year out in 5 syllables; even if it means what they think it means, they’re getting pissed off at people for publicly acknowledging the fact that some people have a different religion than them. How dare some?
So an un-named “Merry Christmas Fundamentalist” heard Vindiola use slurs like the “H-words” several times, as well as other inflammatory synonymous phrases like, “BLANK-cember 25th”. The Christian shopper obviously became incensed, and shouted back something like: “Don’t you believe in God? It’s Merry Christmas, you godless cunt!” – and then assaulted Vindiola for being a terrible Christian.
Salvation Army volunteer punched for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/17/kristina-vindiola-punched-happy-holidays_n_4460525.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003
And in equal opportunity genital joke news tonight, the Russian Punk Band Pussy Riot was released from a Russian prison last week when it was deemed that the national threat that their metronomic cadence and scaled down barred chords presented had sufficiently expired.
And the feminist movement takes another blow … which they hate. The most famous all-female band in history still has “Pussy” in their name. Pussy Riot surpassed the illustrious Pussycat Dolls on their climb to the top of the … tiny area below the glass floor.
The members of the all-girl band were originally imprisoned after recording a music video that criticized the Russian church’s support of Putin and in a theoretically abnormal abuse of anti-blasphemy laws, Putin incarcerated the group after painstakingly revealing the details of his evil plan.
And I suppose now that we’re this deep into the Pussy story, it’s inevitable that we put 30 seconds on the clock…
I can usually go twice that long.
Names for Vaginal Tribute bands. Go!
Bled Zeppelin
Johnny Gash and Tennessee Twat
Cooze Traveler
Cleft Leppard
Blue Oyster Cunt
Queef Latifah
Molly Hatchet Wound
And for the ladies who like in the Jazz; Cunt Basie and the Kansas Titty 5
Phish … Tacos
Queen Crimson, maybe? More like a gay joke than a pussy joke, I guess…
Grand Master Gash
Labio-Head?
Meat Loaf Wallet
Fleetwood Crack
Pink Void: featuring Roger Twatters
Hoo-Hah and the Blowfish
Snatch Box Twenty
I have a few more, but I think that’s enough feminism for the time being.
Amazing that in 17 vagina puns we never used “clit”
I looked for one but I couldn’t find it.
Pussy-Riot members released from prison: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/20/pussy-riot-rockers-convicted-of-religious-hatred-are-released-from-russian-prison/
And just a few quick items before we close the headlines . . .
Item One: 61 years after UK courts convicted math and computer genius Alan Turing of being too gay while cracking Nazi cryptography, and 59 years after his related suicide, the living Queen pardoned the dead queen, and apologized that he was offered chemical castration via female hormone sex-change injections in lieu of jail.
So soon?
Item Two is a quick update on the would be Satanic monument on the Oklahoma Statehouse steps that we talked about a couple of episodes ago. After receiving additional requests from Hindus and animal right activists, the state has declared a moratorium on new monuments, that will, of course, not affect the ten commandments monument that got this ball of shit rolling.
Oklahoma declares “moratorium” on displays at Statehouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/19/okla-wont-allow-new-requests-for-capitol-monuments-after-satanists-others/
Item Three: Human veal supply will spike after euthanasia was approved for youth in Belgium. And it’s about time . . . When you eat Chinese children, you just want to adopt another kid thirty minutes later.
http://www.religionnews.com/2013/12/19/belgium-debates-allowing-gravely-ill-children-right-die/
And quick, before it gets worse, we’ll close out the headlines. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back, I’ll be rejoined by Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta to talk about what students can do to keep god out of their high schools.
Outro:
Before we apologize awkwardly and claim it’s never happened to us before tonight, I wanted to direct you to a hilarious episode of the InKredulous Podcast featuring Jay Novella of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe, our very own Heath Enwright and our very own me. You can Google InKredulous (with a “K”) or you can look for a handy link on the shownotes for this episode. Huge thanks to Andy for the invite.
http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/
I also need to thank Lucinda for opening the show for us, I need to thank Heath for his humorous lack of a moral compass, I need to thank Hemant Mehta once again for a really productive and interesting conversation and I want to remind you that you can find links to his website and the Foundation Beyond Belief on our homepage and on the shownotes for this episode.
Of course, I’ve also gotta thank Dustin from the Atheist Nomads podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. His partner did one before but Dustin made more of the rock star entrance. If you haven’t checked out their podcast yet you have noone to blame for it but yourself. Again, links can be found on the shownotes.
I need to congratulate Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for Grinching all the joy out of Christmas for me this year by defeating me by less than four points last week in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, thus earning the first ever championship title in said league.
But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most exceptional vertebrates; Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane. Steve-O, who’s so cool they measure him in Kelvin; Chester, who’s fortified with 13 essential vitamins and minerals; David, whose athletic prowess is so great he hold records in sports he’s never played; Ryan, who is second only to the Hokey-Pokey in being what it’s all about; James, who shall one day inherit a kingdom and make a killing with it on ebay and Magnus the Great Dane, who is, by default more correct on the god question than more than three-quarters of the world’s human population because even a species that eats it’s own poop knows better than to believe in god.
These six notable and noble humanitarians and caninatarians have justified the proterozoic leap into multi-cellular life this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the compassion, composure and competence to compensate us, but if you think you share Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane complementable competence, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you got duped by that old “better to give than to receive” line again this year and blew all your cash, no worries. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a review on iTunes and checking us out on all the various social media places you frequent. Oh, and check us out on Stitcher because I forgot to mention that the last couple weeks and our Stitcher ranking dropped so do that.
If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 44 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Warning: I took an Advil PM an hour ago so I can’t remember what I’m supposed to say, but Heath and Noah are gonna say fuck.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Jesus-themed Chinese Restaurant chain “Wok on Water”; from the team that brought you the delicious Jewish/Asian Fusion Cuisine Cho-Zen. Come in and try this week’s special, Peking of Kings Duck with Easter Egg Drop Soup.
Wok on Water: The masters of cruci-fried rice.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s December 19th
And Kickers and Defense shouldn’t count in fantasy football.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from bitterly frigid New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
-
We learn humans came on Earth via arcing ropes of panspermia.
-
We find out that reindeer games are more hockey than basketball,
-
And Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will join us to rescue a shred of dignity, after the Paul Walker necrophilia jokes.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
This past weekend Heath and I were playing each other in the semi-finals of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists; a fantasy league we play in with a bunch of other secular podcasters and bloggers. And I don’t just bring this up so that I have an excuse to mention that I trounced him and will face off against Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance in the Championship Game this weekend. There’s also a minor detail that clumsily segues into the point of this week’s diatribe.
So I’m watching Eddie Lacy lead an amazing comeback victory amid a burgeoning 24.3 point fantasy performance that would ultimately best Heath and end his fantasy season in crushing defeat and I’m doing so with a couple of friends. One of them is a nice enough guy, but he’s one of those athletic precog-wannabes that constantly says shit like, “Watch, this next one’s gonna be a touchdown”, or “I bet he throws an interception here”. He’s wrong as often as odds would suggest he would be but on the rare occasion that he gets one right, he starts planning his future as a psychic crime fighter.
And as I’m listening to Nostra-dumb-ass rattle off his predictions, I can’t help but think of all the easy parallels between that and religion. This tendency to take credit for shit you obviously had nothing to with even if it means willfully ignoring how often you’re wrong.
We talked about one of the micro-manifestation of this two weeks ago when I bitched for four minutes about athletes thanking god when they win and not sacrificing the appropriate number of bulls when they lose. Thanks for the win, Jesus, and sorry the desolate one got the best of you in the three consecutive losses that led to it. Thanks for the parking space, Jesus, and I’m sure you had a good reason for intentionally making me drive around SoHo for 20 minutes before you provided it.
And as much as it pisses me off to adopt the “good thing happened therefore god did it” attitude, it’s nothing compared to the equally common “good thing happened therefore Christians did it” attitude.
Consider it on the historical scale. There are plenty of Christians that will tell you the church led the charge to end slavery around the world. But they’ll conveniently leave out the fact that the church also led the opposition to the charge to end slavery around the world. They try to take credit for civil rights, for women’s suffrage for fuck’s sake. In fifty years they’ll be telling us how religion paved the way toward equality for gays.
But now dial it back a bit and consider it on the cultural scale. And I won’t have to reach too far to find my example. Consider all the “reason for the season” bullshit that pissed you off on Facebook this week. Consider the desperate attempts to claim authorship for all the various pagan celebrations that have survived and coalesced through societal evolution over the years and how jealously they guard their dominion over them.
I know the point’s been made plenty of times before, but none of the good parts of Christmas are Christian. The gifts, the lights, the tree, the mistletoe, the joy, the charity, the tinsel, the feasts, the family, the elvish reverse-burglar, the emotionally manipulative TV commercials, the caroling, the stars, the remote control helicopters… all of these things have non-Christian origins. And I’m willing to bet that if you keep all that shit and take out the Baby Jesus stuff and the guilt-induced church attendance, people wouldn’t stop celebrating Christmas. And if you took out the Pagan stuff it would be as popular as Epiphany or Ash Wednesday.
And as vociferously as they protest anytime somebody makes the claim that Christmas is a secular holiday, they don’t own it. They don’t have any claim to it. They don’t have a copyright on presents or Santa Claus or decorated trees. And while we’re at it, they don’t have exclusive claim to joy, forgiveness, happiness or goodwill. Hell, they don’t even have a monopoly on fictional guys with beards and magic powers that judge you morally and bestow gifts accordingly.
They started the war on Christmas when they stole in the first place. There’s nothing at all wrong with fighting back.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is first runner-up in the semi-final round of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to watch jealously as I compete for the title next week?
Fuck Justin Tucker.
In our lead story tonight, Judge Brian M. Cogan of the Federal District Court in Brooklyn has granted the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York a judicial prophylactic against the provision of the Affordable Care Act that would require they provide contraceptive care to the employees of their non-profit affiliates. Judge Cogan found that giving the church no right to dictate the lawful sexual behavior of people they tangentially employed would be a violation of the first amendment.
Will the insurance cover paper towels to clean up after you pull out?
No, I think that still counts. Keep in mind that nobody’s asking these bishops to buy condoms and distribute them to their employees. And nobody’s requiring that anybody buy or use contraceptives of any kind. They’re just requiring that employers provide healthcare that covers contraceptives without a co-pay; and not just because Satan loves rubbers. It’s also at least subtly influenced by the fact that contraceptives are way cheaper than pregnancies and all the good kinds of abortion.
Are you sure about the good abortions? How much could it possibly cost to get all these women one coat hanger each?!? The ones that work in the same office could even share.
Court sides with Archdiocese in contraception controversy: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/17/nyregion/new-york-archdiocese-wins-ruling-on-contraception.html?_r=0&adxnnl=1&rref=nyregion&hpw=&adxnnlx=1387310059-n3uEUr09A3o8ZSYIdyqc4A
And in “Panspermia” news . . . No I am not talking about the new stir-fry dish at “Wok on Water”. Nor am I speaking of the penalty for being a shitty customer at Pizza Hut. I’m talking about the the book by alleged ecologist Doctor Ellis Silver, entitled “Humans Are Not From Earth: A Scientific Evaluation of the Evidence”.
Oh, well if it says “scientific” right there in the title…
First reaction: Real scientists shouldn’t need to expressly announce in the title, that their studies are (quote) “scientific evaluations of evidence”. Those are the fucking rules already.
Yeah, it does have an “I swear I’m not lying” ring to it…
That being said, let’s take a look at some of Dr. Silver’s super-sciencey stuff . . . which he chose not to publish in scientific journals, because he wants to engender non-expert debate on the subject.
Of course…
So he had a bunch of theories, including “Humans just don’t feel at home on Earth”. But my favorite one is (quote) “The size of babies’ heads present a problem for women when giving birth” (end quote). So he’s saying, if women aren’t aliens, why don’t they have giant vaginas?!? … If anything, the problem isn’t small vaginas . . . It’s our huge penises. Can’t speak for everyone, but Irish Brothas be performin’ C-Sections. So apparently aliens from Alpha Centauri are smart enough to travel multiple lightyears between solar systems, but can’t manage to find a planet that matches their snatch size?!?
Interesting story selection, by the way. It sounds less like a story we would normally cover on the Scathing Atheist and more like a story Andy would have given you for the InKredulous podcast we recently guested on before switching you out to a different story at the last minute leaving you with a fully written story you didn’t need. Weird.
Panspermians looking to debunk Darwin: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2507377/Humans-NOT-come-Earth–sunburn-bad-backs-pain-labour-prove-expert-claims.html
And from the “I’m Dreaming of a White Christian” file, Fox News anchor and shrieking bobblehead Megyn Kelly offended people who are and are not white last week when she insisted that despite the perplexing historical and genealogical implications, Jesus was white. And as if trying to camouflage the stupidity of that claim amid the larger stupidity of another, she couched it as an example to bolster the claim that Santa Claus is also white.
Well he’s giving gifts to a whole bunch of different kids, in different houses on Christmas, so he sounds more like a black guy to me. Although he is a job creator, so it’s hard to say.
This tangent into xenophobic insanity came as a response to calls for some racial inclusivity in the Santa legend. After all [spoiler alert] Santa doesn’t actually exist, so why can’t we warm our children’s hearts with stories about black men breaking into their homes once a year?
How about a compromise? Santa can still be white, but the elves that work for him without compensation can be black. And instead of reindeer he can have Mexicans. Hold on, that makes no sense. The sweat-shop elves should be Mexican, and the reindeer should be black.
On Shizzle, on Nizzle, on T-Bone and Pookie…
But it’s a white dude naming the black sleigh slaves . . .
So like “On Toby, on Rupert, on Django … on Pookie.”
Jesus can say say cracker: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-brad-hirschfield/santa-is-white-really_b_4433624.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003 <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/13/the-unbearable-whiteness-of-being-megyn-kelly-jon-stewart-skewers-fox-news-caucasian-persuasion/ <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/12/tabula-reza-foxs-megyn-kelly-insists-jesus-was-a-white-guy-reza-aslan-responds/
And from the “So Many Holes, So Little Crime” file, Judge Clark Waddoups of the US District Court in Utah, ruled in favor of the polygamous family from the reality show “Sister Wives”, declaring a law against their plural marriages unconstitutional.
And the anti-gay-marriage lobby’s collective echo of “Told ya so!” could be heard throughout the country. “Next it’s gonna be them fellers what fuck sheep an’ stuff!”
The show documents the life of Kody Brown and his family of four wives and seventeen children. Clearly wanting to set me up for a “Big Love” joke, Brown is about 6’4″ – 250, and appears to like his women the same way, with matching feathered, blond, David Spade haircuts.
Yeah, if we’re just going by weight, marrying any one of these gals is polygamy.
So now that we’re on the subject of the vagina-heavy sexual exploits of these genius bigamist bastards,
I see where you’re going. 30 seconds on the clock … Mormon Porn Stars and Titles: GO!
Does it have to be shit porn, like last week?- Nevermind doesn’t matter: “8 Wives, 1 Cup”
No it doesn’t have to be shit porn, but if it did, I would lead off with Glenn Pecker starring in “Nobody Swallows Shit Like Mormons”
“Dry County Golden Showers”
Clit Romney in “Nymphos and Nephites”… a follow up to her 2009 hit “Laying the Lamanites”
Brigham Hung in “The Great Salty Lake”
Damn it. I was gonna go with the “Great Salt Lick” but now I have to change it. Um… How about “Polygamy, myself and Irene… and Cassandra and Judith and Sharon and Anne”?
Ted Bundy’s Magical Undies … That’s right: Serial killer extraordinaire Ted Bundy was a Mormon.
I’m surprised the momos don’t advertise that more… it would make them seem less like pansies. Okay, how about Tony “Big Bologna” Moroni in “Brides and Prejudice”?
“Missionary Position: Finger on the Front Buzzer” . . . And of course: “Missionary Position Number 2: Getting Pushy at the Rear Entrance”
Described by critics as a Polyga-must see. And of course, the homo-momo-erotic classic; Trey Park-it and Matt Blown present “The Book of More-Men”
Utah judge strikes down anti-polygamy law: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/12/14/21903224-federal-judge-strikes-down-key-parts-of-utahs-polygamy-law-in-sister-wives-ruling
So I guess we’ll close it quick before Heath realizes that recently deceased crappy actor Paul Walker was a Mormon and starts suggesting Mormon necrophilia porn titles…
The Recently Passed and the Curious?
Well, they do practice posthumous baptism so they do have experience moistening dead people.
And on that lovely image, we’ll close headlines for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will sit down with me for a much tamer conversation about the problems that young atheists face when openly declaring their disbelief.
Interview: Hemant Mehta
Link to Hemant’s Blog: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/
Link to Hemant’s Book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Young-Atheists-Survival-Guide/dp/1939221072
Link to Secular Student Alliance: http://www.secularstudents.org/
Link to Freedom From Religion Foundation: http://ffrf.org/
Link to Reddit/Atheism: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/
Outro:
Before we set up camp for the night, I wanted to remind everyone that if you hear this before the 21st, you still have time to nominate us for a Stitcher Award at Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com. You can nominate up to once per day and you can nominate us in multiple categories so we strongly suggest that you do that.
I also wanted to thank Cat and Mouse for giving Heath and I our first opportunity to actually meet a couple of our listeners. Probably a way bigger deal for us than it was for them so thanks for that and sorry for constantly looking over your shoulders to see how Le’Veon Bell was doing but hey, it’s the fantasy playoffs, you know?
I also need to thank Heath for being funny enough to get away with saying the shit he says. I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her lovely voice to open the show, I need to thank Hemant Mehta one more time and remind you that as good as the first half of that interview was, the second half is even better. And you have a week to read his book before you hear that, so if you want to do the homework, you’ll find a link to it and to his blog on the shownotes for this episode
And of course, I’ve got to thank Andy Wilson of the Merseyside Skeptics and the InKredulous Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for inviting Heath and me to join him on his incredibly hilarious show. Look for that episode coming in the very near future and look for a link on our Twitter feed and Facebook page as soon as said link is available.
http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/
But most of all tonight I need to thank this week’s most tremendous terrestrials, Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin. Jacqueline, whose sexual magnetism carries a court-ordered pacemaker warning; Ward, whose statuesque physique would be a frustratingly persuasive argument in favor of intelligent design; Bill, whose voice is so sexy it makes automated operator’s come; Tim, who chops through flaming, steel girders with his dick; Katja, whose genetic perfection is so absolute they’re renaming a nucleotide after her; Jeffrey, whose legendary swordsmanship and nautical notoriety are the reason so many pirates are missing an eye; Wolfgang, whose name would kick anybody else’s name’s ass in a fight except possibly Magnus and Benjamin, whose inevitable greatness is so palpable that statues have already been commissioned in advance of his world-altering accomplishments.
These eight elegant, admirable and accommodating altruists proved themselves in the only non-Jenga related way that matters this week by giving us money. Only the atheists that believe in god the least have the incredulity required to give us money, but if you think you share the superlative skepticism of Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help us out but you have kids and it’s December, you can help us a ton for free by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and telling a friend about the show. If you need more Scathe in your life you can find us on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and we have a blog and occasionally, there’s shit on that too.
If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 43 – Partial Transcript
Oh, were you stopping by for the Stitcher Award Nomination Link? CLICK HERE… (and thanks)
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda&Noah Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints)
Warning: This podcast contains adult language including two shits, a fuck, a piss, another fuck, dick, jizz, another fuck, motherfucker, bitch, two more shits, cunt, cock, fucktard, fuck-nozzle, several assholes, more fucks…
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of pre-apocalyptic rapture supply outlets; Genesis 7-11. Because now that they’re letting the queers get married, you know god’s judgment can’t be far off. Mention this ad and get a free set of swimmies with any purchase over twenty dollars.
Genesis 7-11: Thank you Jesus, come again.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s December 12th
And my ass is less of a J-Lo, and more of a Cee Lo
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from coniferous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
-
We’ll learn that it’s hard to roll R’s with a dick in your mouth.
-
We’ll find out that everyone has an equal right to discriminate against gays.
-
And the perfect, plump roundness of Rush Limbaugh’s face is related to pi.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
If Tennessee is the buckle of the bible belt, South Georgia is the taint. Which works out well because clearly the Florida panhandle is the scrotum. So unless you consider the Mississippi delta to be the asshole, in which case coastal Alabama is the taint, South Georgia is the de facto Bible taint.
And boy what a taint it is. I should know. I spent a big chunk of my childhood there. I spent six formative years of my life living in a place where the two accepted religious affiliations were Baptist and Devil-Worshipper. Where you had to drive to a theater two towns away to see blasphemous films like, I shit you not, Wayne’s World. Where church groups organized dozens of people to protest a comic book shop because they were promoting, I continue to shit you not, Dungeons and Dragons.
My first job was washing dishes at a local pizzeria where I was dismissed as “the guy who thinks we came from monkeys”. The principle at my high school led the students in prayer during the morning announcements and before each football game. My 10th grade English teacher once spent an entire hour telling us about the dangers of Satanism and my 9th grade science teacher once told the class that gays were an abomination against god and should be dragged into the street and shot.
Religion was everywhere. It was in the school, it was at the mall, it was protesting in front of the movie theater, it was showing up uninvited at my house, it was scolding me from every church sign, it was staring at me from the bumper of every pickup, it was blessing me from every cash register, it was blockading my girlfriend’s vagina. It was inescapable, in charge and insane.
And the stories they believed weren’t just crazy, they were fucking silly. I couldn’t comprehend how anyone took them seriously. I remember walking past church services and wondering if it was all an elaborate hoax that everyone was in on but me. It felt like I was the only sane person on the planet.
I wanted to grab people as they came out of church and say, “can’t we at least agree that this is exactly what religion would look like if it was just made up out of whole cloth to oppress people? Can’t we at least agree that if a ten year old was lying about his invisible pet alien he would use the exact same debate tactics that you guys use? Can’t we at least agree that taking this book about dragons and talking donkeys and resurrected Jews seriously without asking for a shred of tangible evidence is functionally indistinguishable from clinical nincompoopery?”
I couldn’t understand it. Many of these people were reasonable and far more intelligent than me when we weren’t talking about resurrected Jewish messiahs, but as soon as that subject came up an otherwise rational human being would start spouting proofs that they’d never accept in any non-religious circumstance. All of a sudden basic moral precepts like “burning people for eternity is wrong” and “babies aren’t evil sinners” fly out the fucking window.
And for years I just wrote those folks off as stupid. And it’s damned tempting. It’s damn tempting to laugh off the Chicken Little campaigns against Harry Potter books and World of Warcraft and say that they’re the products of misguided, uniformed, paranoid minds. But if you leave it there, you’re underestimating them and you’re underestimating the consequences of growing up in a town that was willing to rise up as one to keep the scourge of Wayne’s World from the local youth.
Religion can only survive on ignorance. Information is the achilles heel of faith and unless they control everything a person watches or plays or reads or learns, nobody’s ever gonna buy into their bullshit. They won’t be able to shut the critical parts of their brain down in those critical moments. They have to fight against everything because it takes a lot of work to make people continue to believe in demonic snakes and octa-centurion ark builders.
But there was no internet back then. There was no way to fact-check them when they controlled the bookstores and the library and the schools. A kid could feel like he or she was the only person in the world with a fully functional brain. There was no internet and there were no forums or wikis or podcasts or blogs.
And maybe when you strip away all the post-hoc justifications, that’s the real reason I do this show. Just to know that when religion dies, I’ll have been a small contributor to the murder weapon.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow brain in a jar Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to dismiss hard solipsism due to it’s lack of functional consequence?
Dismiss what?
Well there you go then.
In our lead story tonight, Al Azhar – a prestigious Islamic university in Cairo – released a study last month examining the fatwas issued by Islamic theocrats in Egypt during the one-year reign of Mohamed Morsi that ended in July of this year. And if you’re anything like me, and you worry about your 10-year-old wife’s tiny vagina being torn to shreds by something other than your adult male penis, the rules all make perfect sense.
So we’re just shredding 10 year old vaginas right up front, huh? Just gonna show up for the blind date with dick in hand. No, that’s fine…
For example, common sense stuff like: “Avoid creating a comfortable rape environment by turning off the air conditioner when you expect your heat-sensitive rapist neighbor might stop by.”
And as much as I wish you made that up, no, that’s a real fatwa. Better your wife spend her days in an un-air-conditioned house in a country with an average high temperature over 90 degrees.
There was another decree that prohibited women from handling bananas, cucumbers, and other phallic flora … that they might shove inside themselves in rabid seizures of uncontrollable female desire. Lesbians were also banned from buying almonds, curtains, and modern art … and from existing in the country.
There was also a fatwa against having sex naked, though, so you never have to know exactly which gender you’re fucking.
My favorite fatwa was issued in response to a clever group of Muslim adulteresses, who were cheating on their husbands with salt water. Turns out the word for “ocean” is a masculine noun, and if the wrong arbitrary linguistic gender assignment touches your wife’s vagina, it’s adultery. But for some reason, it’s perfectly normal for men to swim in a sea of dicks.
Just don’t swallow. It’s salty as fuck.
The Muslim Brotherhood showcased a surprisingly good string of puns when they released the following headline in conjunction with the Adultery Swim Fatwa . . . (quote) “Buoys on the Tide: Sticky situation in the Perversion Gulf as married women swim in gland shark infested waters seeking salt water staffy and motion in the brocean.” (end quote)
I’m adding the Adultery Swim channel’s existence to Jet Pack and the Darth Vader butt plug in case Santa is listening.
But here’s the problem . . . The Arabic word for “nothing” is also masculine, which means she’s gotta put something in there, but only about half the things are eligible, so it gets tricky. Book, but not page. Finger, but not knuckle. Shaft, but not tip. And again, no veggies, so what’s a girl to do?!?
Fatwa: Women who swim in the ocean are committing adultery: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/12/1/-fatwa-women-who-swim-in-the-sea-commit-adultery-should-be-punished <<also>> http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/fatwa-al-azhar-university-cairo-women-swimming-in-sea-adultresses/1/326883.html
And in “Satan debatin’” news tonight; devil’s advocate, posthumous lesbianator and head of the New York based Satanic Temple Lucien Greaves has made it back into the news this week by filing a request to place a Satanic monument on the steps of the Oklahoma Statehouse… right next to the one with the ten commandments on it. Greaves argues that if that space is reserved for religious displays, his religion has as much right to it as any other and unfortunately for Oklahoma theocrats, the stupid laws they recently enacted accidentally agree with him.
This is the great playground moment. That asshole kid makes up a shitty new rule about the endzone boundary, and the very next play he’s past the hydrant, so it’s out of bounds.
When asked about the possibility of a Satanic monument, representative Bobby Cleveland dismissed the idea and the Satanists behind it as falling under (quote) “the nut category”. And not because believing in a giant red monster with a pitchfork that tempts humanity and runs the HR department in Hades is nutty.
So the notion that Lex Luthor exists is ridiculous … but Superman’s obviously real!!!
The Temple says they’re considering a number of designs none of which, unfortunately, involve Jesus and sodomy. And I’d put 30 seconds on the clock here for Jesus Butt-Rape porn titles, but something tells me we’re gonna need that 30 seconds later.
But if anybody wants to chime in with a few, it’s been way too long since (hashtag) Butt Raping Jesus was trending on Twitter . . . I’ll get things rolling . . . Ass-Holy Communion: Receiving the Body of Christ . . .
Satanist seek to put up monument in Oklahoma courthouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/08/satanists-seek-spot-next-to-ten-commandments-monument-on-steps-oklahoma/
And from the “Popes Parting Velvet Ropes” file, Catholicism’s Rico Chart-Topper told Italian churchgoers that he gained valuable experience as a bouncer at a nightclub in Argentina, where it was also very important to correctly identify the age of a minor, no matter what kind of tip they offered. His only regret was jumping right into the priesthood, before he got more experience working the rear entrance.
I wonder how the Union of Argentinian Bouncers is taking this news. On the one hand they might be thinking of using it in their advertising; you know, bounce today, pontificate tomorrow; but on the other hand it’s gotta knock your badass image down three or four spots when people know your job could be done by the elderly hybridization of Woody Allen and Droopy Dog.
To bolster his reputation as the “people’s” supreme pontiff, Pope Frangioplasty made sure to mention that before he was even known as Reverend Whore-Gay Beer Goggles, he was just a normal blue-collar guy, checking fugitive Nazi ID’s, sweeping floors, and figuring out how to become humanity’s conduit to the implied omnipotent watch-maker of the universe.
Pope admits he used to work as a bouncer: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/03/pope-i-was-once-a-bar-bouncer/
And in the “Who Would Jesus Shitcan?” file tonight, we have the story of Michael Griffin, a former teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, who was a current teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania until administrators recently found evidence that he was trying to marry a dude.
It’s weird that they find the ‘attempt to marry’ more offensive than the pre-marital butt sex.
And because US law somehow protects the rights of Catholic institutions to write in “no sucking off dudes” clauses into employment contracts, this bullshit is legal. When asked how being gay-married could possibly affect the performance of Spanish and French teacher, an imaginary representative of the school explained that (quote) “being a homosexual probably helps you with French but he has to teach Spanish, too.”
Gay Catholic School teacher fired for applying for marriage lisence: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/dec/08/us-catholic-school-fires-gay-teacher-marriage
And in “Rush versus The Holy Triumverate” news, Rush Limbaugh is furious at Pope Franno Domini for endangering the Republican Party’s delicate Christianity hijack mission, by reminding Catholics that Jesus – as well as Kindergarten – both teach that “sharing is nice”. Limbaugh believes the Pope is just bitter over losing to him in a “Jowl Roundness Contest”.
I’m dying to know how that thing was judged: I’m picturing them both holding one of those little Japanese drums from Karate Kid Two under their chins, flopping their heads back and forth. Next up, in the acorn hoarding round…
The Octo-Chinned Conservative Casey Kasem – who labeled the Pope’s sharing remarks as (quote) “pure Marxism” – became an expert economist while failing to graduate from Southeast Missouri State. In fairness, for all we know he could have breezed through at his safety school, which was West Northwest Southeast Missouri A&M.
Go Paddlefish!
Limbaugh released a segment called, “It’s Sad How Wrong Pope Francis Is [parentheses] (Unless It’s a Deliberate Mistranslation By Leftists)” . . . So built into his title – in parentheses! … as if almost tacitly understood! – is the claim that liberal spies have likely infiltrated the English translation department at the Vatican, for the purposes of sneaking references to “Das Kapital” into the Pope’s translated speeches, thus undermining American capitalism.
He’s not the best in the business for nothin’. Glenn Beck would have needed 10 minutes and a chalkboard to connect all that shit and Rush does it 14 words and some brackets.
In honor of shitty Christian commentators, as well as yellow and brown journalists everywhere, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Christian Assholes as Shit Porn Stars – GO!!!
And I’m adding the 30 seconds I didn’t use earlier because that’s fucking awesome. So now go.
I’ll start it out with a topical Flush Limbaugh … just as a courtesy.
Bowel O’Steen? Wait… that sounded better before I said it… um… Joel O’Stain?
Maybe Bowl Osteen? . . . No- Bowel Sharpton.
Or Bowely Graham, maybe?
Speaking of stretching the bowels: Bran Coulter?
Brick Perry
Dick Santorum’s too easy . . . Wolf Shitzer?
Cardinal Timothy Colon
Deuce Almighty
Fanny Crosby? That’s only funny if you’re a fan of late 17th century hymns, I guess. How about Pope Fran-Cesspool?
L Ron Buggered
No fair using Scientologists. My first thought was Shit Romney, but I didn’t use him, because Mormonism is a cult.
Anal Roberts
T.P. Jakes!
Scat Robertson
Rush v. the Holy Triumverate: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/02/rush-limbaugh-vs-the-pope/
Well, I hate to pinch off the poop puns early, but we’re outta time. Heath, thanks for hanging out.
And when we return, Lucinda will join us to ruin her chances at a future political career.
One Kings in Rhyme
I suppose that if I was a deity, who fashioned the earth and the seas,
Then covered all up in creatures and made some subordinate mes,
And I had a message I wanted to send them, something that I thought was vital,
I’d probably write them a list of instructions, or at least divinely inspire a bible.
It would be hard to decide what to tell them, though, since the book could be only so long,
I’d want them to know there was purpose, and to know the right path from the wrong.
And I’d stress over what I’d include there, and I’d stress over what to omit,
After all there’s a lot more to say than the space of one single book would permit.
See, I’d want to impart on them knowledge, and show them the value of peace,
And I’d probably want to include something in it, about the nature of germs and disease.
Should I remind them not to rape women? Or not to make people work without pay?
Should I tell them they can’t beat their children? Or beat off more than four times a day?
Should I explain that the sun’s in the center? Or the value of washing with soap?
Should I explain in unmistakable terms that there’s always a reason to hope?
Well, according to god the most wise course of action, is to leave out all of those things,
And make sure there’s plenty of space that’s left over, for a long list of Israel’s kings.
But I guess that’s why I don’t write bibles, and am just some anonymous tit,
And he’s the all-knowing creator of all, and the alpha, omega and shit.
If you read my book you’d know to be thoughtful, and to let people love who they choose,
But I’d fuck up and leave out important details, like who led the sixth century BCE jews.
I’d have skipped all the stuff about Solomon, and the temple he built for the Lord,
And instead I’ve had told them how telescopes work and what wonders they might point them toward.
I’d have droned on and on about hygiene, wasted time on nutritional facts,
And forgotten to mention who was leading the Jews when the Philistine army attacks.
I’d have pissed away pages on problems they would face as their populace grows,
And I’d have probably put is some stuff I can’t fathom that only a deity knows.
I’d have wasted a couple of chapters on the equality of genders and races,
And I’d have forgotten to smite them and punish their children for pillar and poles in high places.
I suppose that if I were to write it, you’d have questions at the end of the tome.
Like, “How long did it take for the third king of Israel to finish building his solid gold home?”
So I’ll submit that as I’m just a mortal, I can’t fathom a deity’s ways,
But from my perspective it’s fair to conclude that he sure writes in mysterious phrase.
Babble (One Kings)
One Kings; because god knows that you can never get enough mythologized Jewish history. This book babbles endlessly about a series of Israel’s kings as though it’s daring you to keep reading.
And I think the singular is pronounced “king”.
So joining Heath and me to celebrate being one sixth of the way through this book is my beautiful wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back.
Always happy to be here.
The books are pretty linear at this point, so no need to set anything up; this basically starts right where Two Samuel ends.
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Now King David is old and sick and we have to decide who gets to be the next king.
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But before we get to all that, we have to tell you about the king’s new hooker, who he wasn’t fucking.
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No, she was just keeping him warm.
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“She wasn’t jerking me off! She was trying to start a fire with my cock.”
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Yeah, King David was cold so his doctor prescribed a new virgin. And also Solomon became king and his bro Adonijah was more than a little pissed about it.”
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The talent pool in the desert must have been running dry, considering the most attractive woman in the land is named “Abishag the Shunammite” . . . Sounds more like an orc general from Lord of the Rings.
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Then we get this touching bit where David takes Solomon aside and offers his final words. And it’s basically a list of people he wants Solomon to kill.
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Including Shimei, the dude that David promised not to kill in the previous chapter. He says, “All I said was I wouldn’t kill him. I never said anything about you, or other hired assassins. That wasn’t in the contract.”
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And then Adonijah says, “Hey bro, since you got the whole kingdom and everything, you think I could have dad’s new hooker?” Solomon says “no” and then kills him for asking.
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And then Solomon proves he’s wise by threatening to cut a baby in half.
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This is actually a pretty fucked up story. Two women are accusing each other of killing their baby and swapping him out for a living one, which is fucked up enough before David starts threatening to split the baby down the middle.
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So naturally the real mom says, “No, don’t chop the baby in half you fucking psycho!” but the other lady says, “Yeah, that makes sense. I’ll take half a baby. It’s enough for a stew.”
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And this is Solomon’s tagline moment . . . His “Yippie Ki-Yay Mother Truckers!” His defining biblical event is an episode of Judge Judah, when he settles a maternity dispute between a murderous whore and a regular whore. Also, since when are single mother whores trying to keep their babies?!? I guess the name Johnson had to start somewhere.
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And then chapter 4 is basically a list of Solomon’s cabinet, a list of what he eats and a list of people he was smarter than.
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They make very sure to mention that he spake 3000 proverbs, and wrote one thousand … five … songs … Which is clearly bullshit. Those are the most obviously “made-up numbers” I’ve ever heard. There’s no way he hits EXACTLY 3000 proverbs and EXACTLY 1000 songs, but can’t resist writing 5 extra jingles.
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And then Solomon gets the wheels turning on his new temple. And let me tell ya it’s gonna be one bitchin’ ass temple.
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And in case you were wondering, say, how many cubits wide the nave was or how many sides the door posts have, it’s all spelled out in chapter six.
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Yeah, and god has the same interior design sense as Jay-Z apparently.
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HaShemTV Cribs . . . Sons of Joshua Cribs
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And then we get all the important details about Solomon’s palace, including the latticework, the dishes, candle snuffers and spittoons. Really important shit going on here.
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“I know I’m just a slave laborer helping you build a palace, but do you guys think it’s the best idea to put all the gold, and the god box, all in one place?!? I think we’re overdoing it a little. I’m literally carrying a single basket of golden eggs.”
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And then he has a house party…
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And for all his help building the temple and shit, Solomon gives Hiram 20 cities, but apparently they were his 20 crappiest cities.
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This book of the bible is like a first date with a rich douche. Every few sentences we’re hearing about Solomon’s throne or his golden vessels or his fleets or his platinum butt plug.
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I think we call this a … ‘teachable moment’ … Jews should only put the rarest of metals in their palace, and in their ass. “But hold on – Stop making golden calves. You guys always go straight to that!”
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And in chapter 10 I’m pretty sure it brags about him fucking the Queen of Sheba, too.
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I believe it said he gave her everything she desired, and a taste of the royal bounty on top. So I’m pretty sure they fucked, and it sounds like they even got a milk and honey shot in there.
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And in case you were wondering what kind of mileage he’s getting with that dick of his, Chapter 11 actually starts with the words, “Solomon loved many foreign women” and went on to describe his harem of more than a thousand wives..
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This guy spread more STDs to minorities than the Tuskeegee Experiments.
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And if I’ve learned anything from this book, when vaginas show up, trouble can’t be far behind. So, of course, his wives talk him into turning against god and offering burnt offerings to other gods so real god concoct this convoluted, multi-generational revenge plot.
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So Solomon dies and his son Rehoboam takes over. The people come to their new king saying, “Hey, it would be awesome if you stopped whipping us.” And Rehoboam endeared himself to the people by saying, “You don’t like the whips? No more whips. We’ll use scorpions instead.”
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And then the kingdom was divided because god likes to go over his shoulder to scratch his ass.
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And they open 2 Mooby Burgers.
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So you’ve got Jeroboam who god gives a chunk of the kingdom to and he’s an asshole, too. He starts making non-Levite priests so god sends a prophet to tell Jeroboam that the shit’s about to hit the fan.
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And then god kills the prophet with a fucking lion for eating food and drinking water.
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Falls for the oldest trick in the book. Some guy walks up to him: “Are you a prophet from God? Get the fuck out of here – me too!!! Let’s go eat. Oh you have a note from God that says don’t eat. This is so crazy. I have a note. Also from God. Says that you should disregard your note and go eat with me, after which you will definitely NOT be mauled by a tiger.”
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So basically you’ve got Jeroboam running Israel into the ground and at the same time you’ve got Rehoboam fucking things up in Judah.
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Yeah, apparently they were making high places, pillars and sacred poles. And if that’s not bad enough (and it is), their temple prostitutes were the wrong gender.
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Bunch of savages in this town.
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Man-whores just aren’t cost effective . . . from an orifice perspective. Less bang for your buck . . . despite more “schmekel per shekel”.
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And is it just me or is this book pissed off at you for reading it? It keeps saying stuff like “And are not the acts of Abijam, are they not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?”
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Are you telling me the Gideons expect me to just guess what else happened to Abijam?!? I’m sitting here in my hotel room like an idiot … trying to get the whole story on this Judaism stuff.
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And during this unending war between Israel and Judah the Israelis get some practice walling off territories and that’ll come in handy later.
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And then we just start churning through one king after the other. King so and so reigned for so many years and did evil by the lord greater than all the kings before him and then he died, ad infinitum
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And then we finally meet Elijah, who god is pawning around during a drought. And he’s pretty badass. He has birds that feed him and magic jars of food and he even brings kids back from the dead by rubbing his genitals against them.
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Right … three dick rubs resurrects a dead baby. They don’t mention this, but if you do it right, that will also get you to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. I learned that the hard way.
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So Elijah shows up all Charles Bronsony and decides to prove that god is god by challenging the prophets of Baal to a divine Ox-burning contest, in which he kicks ass.
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And then to emphasize how total his victory is, he kills all the prophets of Baal.
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Then Elijah flees like a pansy and god commands him to anoint a few new kings.
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And in a lost “who’s on first base” opportunity, Elijah meets Elisha
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Then there’s some boring war shit and one king attacks another king… fuck, I don’t even know anymore. All I know is somebody didn’t kill the person god told him to kill so god gets all pissy.
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And we learn this from a bizarre story involving a masochistic prophet and a divine lion attack.
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Then Ahab wants Naboth’s vineyard, but he won’t sell it. So Ahab’s wife arranges to have him stoned to death.
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God hears about this and gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell Ahab he’s fucked and dogs are gonna eat his wife.
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But Ahab fasts and wears a sack around so god says, “shucks, I guess I don’t have to kill you and have dogs eat your wife. I suppose we can save that punishment for your kids.”
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And then it ends with this long, pointless story about Jehoshaphat and the King of Israel want to go to war with Ramoth-Gilead and all but one of the prophets say they’ll win, but one prophet says the other prophets are full of shit… and they were.
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And the king gets killed in battle and, just as god had decreed, dogs lapped up his blood and, and in an understated twist, prostitutes bathed in it.
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Yeah I’m confused by all the whore talk. Why would there be prostitutes … when they had slaves? Slave is the world’s oldest profession. That’s like buying CDs on Napster.
So I suppose the real mystery of One Kings is how the fuck they managed to finance the sequel. We’ll find that out in three weeks and in the meantime, we’ll be washing our brains out with soap. Heath, Lucinda, thanks for sticking with it.
Outro
Before we ring the final bell tonight, I wanted to make a quick correction. We covered a story last week about public prayer booths in Kansas City and it was almost completely bullshit. Sorry about that. Another fail in our story-vetting process. We’ll try to tighten that up and in the meantime I want to thank all the astute listeners who clued us in on that.
I also wanted to let everyone know that the nomination phase has started for the 2nd annual Stitcher Awards. Heath, Lucinda and I really, really, really want to win one and we need your help. You can nominate us up to once per day in as many categories as you think are appropriate. So if you have a few minutes and you’re feeling generous this holiday season, please head over to Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com and nominate the shit out of us. Daily. I’m not too proud to beg. You’ll also find links to the nomination page on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page because, like I said, I’m not too proud to beg.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with a visit from the Friendly Atheist himself, Hemant Mehta so get excited about that. But if you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out episode 33 of The Herd Mentality Podcast with Adam Reakes, where you can hear my impression of Joel O’Steen orgasming to death on an 8 horsepower, turbocharged, solid gold butt plug.
http://herdmentalitypodcast.com/
I need to thank Heath for keeping it real, Lucinda for putting up with the two of us, I want to thank everyone who did some Holiday shopping on our Cafe Press site and, of course, a huge thanks to Evan Bernstein from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. He’s one fifth of my all-time favorite podcast, really cool of him to do it and of course, you’ll find a link to his show on this week’s shownotes, right next to the link to nominate us for a Stitcher Award.
http://www.theskepticsguide.org/
But most of all I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans, Wayne, Debbie and Vinnie; Wayne, whose ejaculations have seismological designations; and Debbie and Vinnie, whose altruism and advice deserves less of a one liner and more of a very genuine thanks on behalf of both my wife and myself for reminding us that generally speaking, humans are awesome.
And since I already hit you up for a Stitcher nomination half a dozen times, I’m not gonna bother reminding you that if you’d like to support the show financially you’ll find the donation button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 41: Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Link to Episode
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, but if you can handle the blasphemy and the profanity, you’re in for a Jesus-raping good time.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Catholicism in a can, Vaticampbell’s Soup; the perfect post traumatic meal for altar boys. High in vitamins, protein and spermicides, it’s the perfect treat for being good and not telling mommy what happened.
Vaticampbell’s Soup: Get some from your priest in the can.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’sThanksgiving,
And 392 years ago, not today, the Christians tricked the Native Americans with a big meal right before the genocide.
I’m Noah Lugeons
I’m Heath Enwright
And from helium depleting New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
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A Methodist reverend is flagged for allowing head to head contact on a defenseless tight end receiver.
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We’ll explore the nuances of Texas dildo regulations,
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And Israel levies a foreskin tax of 51,100 dollars a year.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
Ah, Thanksgiving, the Americanist of all holidays. It’s gluttonous, wasteful, self-indulgent and better than the Canadian version. We celebrate by taking in an inexcusable number of calories and then watching other people burning calories off on television… violently. We throw away more food per capita than some populations eat on the average day, we gloss over our genocidal national origin with a bunch of feel-good pseudo-history and we mark the start of a four week blitzkrieg of rampant consumerism and that’s all pretty damned American; but the most American thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s secular.
There’s no awkward bullshit religious ceremonies your in-laws are trying to talk you into attending. There’s no break in the middle of the Cowboy’s game where Linus takes center stage and tells us about the birth of Mithra. There’s no team of evangelicals plaguing the media for weeks beforehand telling us that Jesus is the justification for the mastication. We just get together and eat innocent turkeys. And innocent gravy. We come together with our friends and family regardless of which invisible superhero clears out parking spaces for them. And but for a perfunctory saying of grace and grandma rathering you not refer to them as “deviled” eggs, religion doesn’t enter into it at all. And damn it, I don’t care what they say on Fox News, that’s as American as it gets.
Most of the secular holidays we celebrate in this country are tainted by a bunch of rah-rah patriotism and I’m not usually one for the “Don’t tread on me; screw the immigrants and the indigenous, America ‘fuck yeah’” flag waver, but when this country was founded it was almost certainly the most secular nation in the history of humanity and that’s a lineage I’m proud to claim.
Of course there are plenty of evangelicals out there desperately trying to literally rewrite the history books to whitewash the secularism out of our national character, but considering how plainly codified it is in the Constitution, they’ll have to rewrite a hell of a lot more than Texas textbook guidelines to get rid of it. And make no mistake, there’s a huge contingent of politically motivated Christians hell-bent on doing exactly that.
And why wouldn’t they be? Religion would be doing way better if it was legally mandated. Hell, when you consider the categorical superiority of the secular alternative to everything religion does or ever did, it’s fair to say that a legal mandate is the only hope religion has to survive. When I hear the Michele Bachmann crowd screaming “Jesus for Emperor in 2016” I don’t write it off as crazy. I look at it as their last chance.
I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never met an atheist who thinks religion should be outlawed. I’m sure there are a few of them bumbling around somewhere, but every atheist I’ve ever met and every respected voice in the atheist movement is just calling for a fair marketplace of ideas. We’re just asking that religion be evaluated by the same means as everything else and be given no special privilege on the simple merit of being a religion. It’s the kind of thing you can afford to espouse when you’re on the side with all the evidence.
In the time I’ve been doing this podcast a lot of people have asked me, “what’s the point?” Now, in the past I’ve largely dismissed this question. Life is like a JJ Abrams script; there’s doesn’t have to be a point and things don’t have to add up. It’s enough that we’re having fun recording it and other people are having fun listening to it.
But whenever I see the specter of theocracy creeping into the national conversation, I rethink that. I was on a panel the other day with CJ Werleman discussing his new book, “Crucifying America” where he makes the argument that unless atheists can match the political enthusiasm of the Christian right, the forces of theocracy are going to continue chipping away at our secular government and they won’t stop until we can out-zealot Iran.
So this year, when I’m gorging on seared bird flesh and watching the Lions discover a new and creative way to blow a fourth quarter lead, I’ll be thankful that I live in a secular nation. And when the “itis” wears off, I’ll get back to work doing my part to keep it that way.
Because America, fuck yeah.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is religious marketing expert Heath Enwright. Heath, any advertising advice for Christianity?
Might be time for a new logo. Yeah I feel like the torture diorama could be a little more relatable … Maybe a different murder victim, on a different shape. Instead of Jesus on a cross, what about chalk-outline-guy on a circle?
Or at the very least they could give the Buddy-Christ a day in court.
Speaking of days in court . . . In our lead story tonight, a federal judge in Wisconsin found it ridiculous that she was needed to decide that people with income, have to pay income tax, even if they’re employed by a fictional character. US District Judge Barbara Crabb struck down a 1954 law that allowed ministers a tax-exemption designed to compensate for their unique financial burden called “housing costs”.
You know, it’s tempting to celebrate here, but the real victims here are the children. Because, as I understand it, most priests can barely afford to lubricate their victims now.
Indeed, tear-free ass lube for kids is another unique financial burden for clergy. So the lawsuit was filed by the Freedom From Religion Foundation against the Treasury Department and the IRS, for letting clergy steal an estimated 700 million dollars a year from public coffers, on this exemption alone. And just to spite the Tea Party, Obama plans to divide these extra funds among communist lesbian single mothers to pay for their 20 imaginary children, and buy crack.
Oh c’mon, that’s ridiculous. When you consider the Obama-mandated 93% abortion rate, that lesbian communist single mom would have to get pregnant 286 times to have that many kids.
And the crack’s gonna lead to a few miscarriages, so that number’s even higher. And as much as it pains me to do this, let’s segue away from crack babies, over to a statement from Russell Moore, president of Baptists for Tax Evasion, who argued: (quote) [sic] “The clergy housing allowance isn’t a government establishment of religion, but just the reverse. The allowance is neutral to all religions.” [end sic] (end quote) . . . Well as long as the Jews and A-Rabs are allowed to steal too . . . So the opposite of Christians stealing billions of dollars . . . is Christians, Jews, and Muslims stealing billions of dollars?!?
Wisconsin judge strikes down parsonage exemption: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/23/federal-judge-in-wisconsin-strikes-law-that-gives-clergy-tax-free-housing/ and http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/24/a-federal-judges-significant-decision-clergy-tax-free-housing-is-not-constitutional/
And in the disturbingly thin “Too Stupid for Texas” file tonight, the Texas Board of Education has rejected the most recent attempt to force intelligent design theory into school textbooks despite the pro-creationism side’s outdated and off-topic endorsement from Jesus.
And just to review the level of competition in this category, “too stupid for Texas”, means dumber than Ted Cruz, Vanilla Ice, George Dubya, and a law that makes it a felony to own six or more dildos.
Is that actually true?
Yep. Pocket pussies would be illegal, too.
So there’s a legal limit on dildos, no limit on live ammunition… brilliant.
Right, plus multi-headed dildos get you right around the rule.
Speaking of multi-headed dildos, the fate of this textbook could still go either way. Nonetheless, religious zealots have all but conceded defeat upon learning that the biology textbook would be reviewed for errors by a panel of biologists. Because the old “there’s no meth in the trunk” line only works if nobody looks in the trunk.
While they’ve got that panel of scientists together, maybe they could skim over those testament books. Thought I remember a typo in Genesis 1, so that’s a good place to start
Facing the unprecedented humiliation of appearing not once or twice but thrice on last week’s headlines segment, the state of Texas seems intent on earning a positive mention on the show for a change. But of course, this only counts as a positive mention because the Texas school board not doing the stupid, unconstitutional, evangelical thing has become newsworthy, so don’t go yee-hawin’ just yet.
Science wins, stupidity loses in Texas Board of Education throwdown: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/texas-board-of-education-holds-up-biology-book-over-evolution-debate/
And from the “British Muslims with sand in their knickers” file, complaints of Islamaphobic persecution have forced universities in the UK to approve gender segregation for debate audiences. Apparently ultra-orthodox religious leaders can’t handle public speaking, unless the penises and vaginas are lined up separately when they picture the audience naked.
So random genital distribution is the kryptonite of ultra-orthodox religious leaders? Good to know.
It’s about time the UK took a page from the sharia rule book, and finally found a way to rein in their problem with university debate audiences devolving into drunken orgies of sex and violence. Deadly riots led by rabid debate hooligans were really getting out of hand . . . And at the root of the issue, were all the women mixed into the crowd.
It’s England. That probably really happens. I bet somebody’s been crushed to death against a fence at an Intelligence Squared debate by now.
According to a report by vice-chancellors’ group ‘Universities UK’, as long as the seating chart meets the equality standards of an Alabama public school from 1950, it’s fair: (quote) “Both men and women are being treated equally, as they are both being segregated in the same way.” I’ll repeat that . . . They are both being segregated . . . in the same way . . . by gender. Apartheid was fine too, because blacks and whites were both being segregated by race.
Okay, this is all making perfect sense, of course, but where do the transexuals sit?
Great question. That … was addressed in the FAQs. Hermaphrodites will be allowed entry, but not double entry like normal. Also, they will have to remove their penis or plug an orifice … which seems unfair because nobody else gets to choose their section. And of course, as usual, eunuchs can’t come.
UK Universities allowed to segregate genders during debates: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/universityeducation/10468115/Universities-can-segregate-men-and-women-for-debates.html
And in hysterical numerical chimerical clerical news tonight, Methodist Reverend Frank Schaefer was suspended for 30 days for the crime of officiating at his son’s wedding, made heinous by the fact that his son was marrying a dude.
Methodist couples everywhere are already feeling a little gayer, and are up in arms about the so-called “Fairy God Father”.
Schaefer was tried before a jury of clergy and found guilty of not sufficiently hating queers, for which he received a suspension that many feel is tantamount to a defrocking. But considering the kind of macabre historical horrors the term “jury of clergy” conjures in my mind, it could be a hell of a lot worse, I suppose.
Yeah this is really just a slap on the limp wrist. Worst case scenario, the Methodists build a bridge out of him.
During his trial, Schaefer continuously emphasized that he felt god calling him to minister openly for gay equality, but the jury dismissed this because apparently even clergy are skeptical of the whole “god” thing.
Pastor suspended 30 days for officiating at his son’s gay wedding: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/lively-testimony-in-penalty-phase-of-trial-for-pastor-who-officiated-at-gay-sons-wedding/2013/11/19/f5402942-5146-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1_story.html
And in “Riyadh Reach Around” news . . . Just when you thought Saudi Arabia was getting too sexually promiscuous, the federal team of middle school dance chaperones known as The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, has stepped in to cure the torso-contact epidemic that’s been plaguing the country. When concerned citizens reported a local man giving away illegal exotic things called hoogs, or hugs, the buzz kill squad launched a massive investigation.
All part of the “Thugs not Hugs” campaign. Considering the sentencing guidelines in Saudi Arabia this dude is lucky if they don’t amputate his torso.
In a true Rama-Donnie Brasco story (Callback – TSSSSST!!!), an extremely brave undercover agent was able to catch the perp on tape: “So we’re really doing this, Abdulrahman al-KhayyalI who lives at 127 Muslim Boulevard in Riyadh? I give you zero dollars, and you give me an illegal exotic bodily embrace? Ok he’s doing it! Abra-Cadab- no Allah-Kazaam!!! Red team go!!! Red team go!!!”
What a massive waste of public resources. Sure, they’ll nail all the huggers, but while they’re focused on that you have blasphemers and rape-victims roaming free in the streets.
Couple of fun facts about the the Sharia Sheriffs – aka the SS. First of all, they resent being compared to the Nazi secret police, although they do respect the anti-Jew sentiment underlying the tenets of German national socialism.
At least it’s an ethos…
Second fun fact: These are the same guys who famously promoted virtue in 2002, by murdering 15 schoolgirls in a fire. They righteously prevented them from leaving a burning building without anti-rape outerwear, which are required in public places like the outside of a burning building. Crisis averted.
Saudi Man arrested for giving out free hugs: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/saudi-arabia-man-arrested-for-giving-out-free-hugs-8953720.html
And in baby dick litigation news, a rabbinical court has ordered an Israeli mother to pay a fine of one hundred and forty dollars a day until she surgically alters her infant’s penis like a good Jewish mother.
And in penis headline form: Plagued by foreskin envy, “Members of the Tribe” are calling for “just the tip of the Weisberg”. Nobody raises penis veal in Israel without the Jewish Mafia getting a piece of the action.
Fearing that allowing her to not adulterate her son’s naughty bits could set a dangerous precedent that would add fuel to the growing international controversy over the unsanitary perversity of grown men licking bloody baby cock, the court posed the following question in its ruling, “How will the world react if even [in Israel] the issue of circumcision is given to the discretion of any person, according to their own beliefs?”
Yeah Israel would be a laughing stock. What kind of theocracy can’t even enforce mandatory genital mutilation?!? That’s just embarrassing. Plus lots of guys would never get their dick sucked if it weren’t for the mohel. And how else can you inoculate the infant population with herpes to prevent herpes?!?
The court went on to label commonsense objections to circumcision in general and the part where some herpetic newborn-groupie goes all Miley Cyrus on 8 day old testicles in particular as anti-semitism that must be combatted. So for those of you keeping score at home, objecting to sucking an infant’s dick is anti-semitic; objecting to sucking an adolescent’s dick is anti-Catholic.
Israeli rabbinical court orders mother to circumcise her son: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/26/jewish-court-tries-to-force-mother-to-circumcise-her-young-son-on-penalty-of-daily-fines/
And in “Jizzm Schism” news, conservative Christian groups are planning a ‘Day of Prayer’ on December 10th, to rid the world of pornography, and the resulting murder of babies during the controversial “negative first” trimester. Their missionary position on the issue blames smut and hand abortions for brand new societal woes like rape and thunderstorms.
I just want to know how much I have to chafe my chicken before I can summon a shark-nado.
Try harder . . . Not wanting to get “cock sock blocked” and/or “beaver damned”, personal orgasm rights advocates will stage a “passive day of nothing” that will coincide and compete with the Christian protest. There’s no plan, so everyone will probably just stay home and jerk off like usual. When porn continues to exist the next day, we’ll have proof that masturbation is at least as effective as prayer. I think it might be–
I’m way ahead of you. 30 seconds already on the clock … Christian Euphemisms for Masturbation … GO!!!
Spreading a handful of Holy Seed
Snake-handling.
Dressing your salad with popercorn ranch
Straightening the crozier
Knowing Thyself Biblically
Shit, “beating the bishop” is already a euphemism isn’t it? For being forced to whack off your bishop?
Dishonorable Discharge from the Salvation Army
Nailing your palm?
Thumping Below the Bible Belt
Christian group plans “Day of Prayer” against porn: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/conservative-groups-plan-prayer-vigil-against-pornography/
I guess it’s true what they say; masturbation jokes are more fun with a partner. So that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
I’m sticking with “Messiah-nara, bitches!”
And when we come back Lucinda will join us to beg you for money.
Calendar:
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes we normally set aside to highlight all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world. But because of a combination of there not being much going on in December and me not wanting to highlight all the 2014 shit until next month, there won’t be any highlighting of conferences and events this month.
But because we still had two minutes to fill and I wanted to write a new music bed for this bit, I’ve decided to go a different direction. Like most atheists that grew up in a predominantly Christian culture, I find myself celebrating all the traditional Christian holidays and this December I’m hoping to break that habit by trying on some new December holidays. If you’d care to join me, here are a few non-Jesusy reasons to celebrate this holiday season:
12/1 World Aids day – for those who wish to celebrate AIDS. Not sure that this one is for me, but it sounds like a holiday Heath could really get behind.
12/7, a date that will live in infamy, is International Civil Aviation day, which we celebrate by flying airplanes that almost never bomb Pearl Harbor.
12/10 Human Rights Day – Not sure what that’s all about, but I figured the humanists would love it because it has their name right in the title.
12/11 National Noodle Day – I only mention it because there aren’t enough Pastafarian holidays.
12/21 Winter Solstice – A pagan holiday celebrated by doing all the Christmas stuff without the Jesus dolls. And if you’re with pagans there will also probably be some naked bonfire related activity.
12/25 Newtonmas – If you’re looking for a person born on this day over whom you can exchange gifts, decorate a tree and bake a ham, fuck Jesus. How about Sir Issac Newton? Seriously. Golden rule, laws of motion; getting crucified like a pussy, developing calculus; saving a whore, building the world’s first operational reflecting telescope. Jesus has nothing on that motherfucker.
Anyway, that wraps the calendar segment for this month, but we’ll do it again next month, only we’ll talk about atheist events and shit like we normally do.
Thanks:
In keeping with the Thanksgiving tradition, we thought we at the Scathing Atheist would take a minute to reflect on what we’re thankful for this year. Things like family,
Friends…
The thematic smut suggestion website called Pandora’s Box…
Indecisive juries and the improper handling of DNA evidence…
Multiple orgasms…
Late-term abortions…That was a close one…
Sylvia Brown not being alive…
Rechargeable batteries…
Subtle references to dildos…
But above all things, we’re thankful for our listeners. We’re thankful that people are willing to invest thirty minutes a week of their life listening to us make jokes about anally raping Jesus.
And we’re thankful for all the encouraging emails, facebook messages and iTunes reviews that people have taken the time to send.
And we’re thankful that the FCC hasn’t cock-blocked podcasting yet…
And we’re thankful that we’re able to find the cummulative 50 hours a week it takes to write, record and edit this show.
And we’re thankful that you have a spouse who’s so understanding and supportive
And makes awesome Thanksgiving desserts.
And of course, we’re thankful for all the people who support the show financially and keep our little operation afloat.
Because telling god to go fuck himself is more expensive than you think.
But luckily, for just one easy payment of however much you care to give us, you can help us bring you the very best dick puns and ass plays on words, in the business.
So a genuine thanks to everybody who gives us thirty minutes of their life.
And if you’d like to say “you’re welcome”, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Song:
In chapter one God makes the universe and it takes seven days.
In chapter two he makes it again… in a contradictory way.
By chapter three he’s made Adam, here he makes Eve,
Then he kicks them out of Eden cause they’re covered in leaves?
In four God’s a dick to Cain, but not Abel,
So Cain strikes down his brother like the tower of Babel.
In chapter six we meet Noah; God says “Get ready for bruises,
You’re going on the worst boat ride there’ll be until Carnival Cruises.”
He gathers all the animals and builds a big boat,
And I guess no one else had anything on which they could float
Noah praises God for all the people he whacked,
But glancing at his cock’s an unforgivable act.
Then we spend an entire fucking chapter or two,
Learning ad nauseum who begat who.
By chapter twelve we meet Abraham and he uproots his life,
Takes his shit to Egypt and starts pimping his wife.
He fucks a slave, she has a kid and they exile that one,
But then at ninety-nine Sarah bares him a legitimate son.
In seventeen Abraham makes a crazy decision,
Regarding all his sons and slaves and adult circumcision.
In Twenty-Two he gets all screwy, and takes Isaac, his tyke,
Up a mountain and almost sacrifices him before the angels say, “Psyche!”
Abraham tells God there’s at least ten in Sodom with class,
So he sends a couple angels that they try to fuck in the ass.
And when you try to ass-rape angels, what comes is your fault,
Whether your town’s burned down by brimstone or you’re turned into salt.
Later Isaac meets Rebekah, they have Jake and Esau,
The big brother’s got the muscle but the brains of a cow.
Jacob tricks him from his birthright for a warm bowl of soup,
And his old near-sighted daddy’s just as easy to dupe.
Jacob takes two wives, fucks both of them and their maids.
I swear a chapter’s dedicated to Jake getting laid.
He has a dozen sons in all but he liked Joseph the best,
So his bro’s conspire against him and they steal his vest.
They sell him as a slave and tell daddy he’s dead.
He winds up a slave of Pharaoh for not performing in bed.
Here he goes all psychic, starts interpreting dreams.
It takes a couple years but at last he’s redeemed.
He stores up food for famine and he gets filthy rich;
His bros come needing munchies and he makes ‘em his bitch.
Then Joey shows back up, much to daddy’s surprise.
Jacob, now called Israel, eventually dies…
Chapter fifty’s so uplifting, all the tribes makes a truce;
And by now god’s promised the entire known world to the Jews.
Jews____ Back then, though, they were called the He-
Brews____ Those lucky fucks were the one god would
Choose____ Which is why nothing bad ever happens to
Jews.
Outro:
Before we wrap up the leftovers tonight I wanted to let everyone know that Heath and I were invited to take part in a panel on the InKredulous Podcast next month. Not sure exactly when that’ll be available but as soon as it is I’ll let you know via Twitter, Facebook and the blog, all of which, of course, you follow and or subscribe to and or like.
And with cyber Monday rapidly approaching, I wanted to also remind everyone to check out our CafePress site for all your godless holiday shopping needs. You’ll find a link to it on our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, but you’re clever enough to Google it even without the link.
And at the risk of beating this whole “giving of thanks” thing to death, I need to thank Heath for being a clever, funny, godless bastard; I need to thank Lucinda for taking a break from cooking vast quantities of food to help us out tonight; I also need to thank Lucinda for cooking vast quantities of food and, as you may have noticed, we’re still always looking for more Farnsworth quotes, so if you have a blog or a podcast to promote or you just want to hear your voice at the beginning of the show, email me a clip; you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most vivacious vertebrates; Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul. Meredith, who’s such an incomparable badass they had to put the word “death” in her first name; April, whose face I’m totally carving into Mount Rushmore first chance I get; Rob, who, no offense to Peter Capaldi, would have made a way better 12th doctor; Bart, slayer of six fingered giants; Richard, whose ceaseless generosity has damn near earned his own theme song; Jeffrey, whose melodious voice is sweet enough to cause adult-onset diabetes; Benjamin, whose intergalactic reputation with a katana keeps the alien invasion forces at bay; Ross, whose ejactulate is legal tender in many island nations; Chris, whose gravitas causes quarks to chill the fuck out and act normal in his presence and Paul, who, through sheer tenacity, has earned the right to divide by zero.
These ten valorous paragons of profundity have earned eternally archived praise and first dibs on the left over green bean casserole and stuffing this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the civility, agility, virility and mental ability required to give us money, but if you think you share Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul’s laudable percipience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you want to earn our perennial appreciation for free, you could always leave us a five star review on iTunes. And if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher, download the free and very awesome app and check us out there as well. Really helps our ranking and helps more people find the show.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 40: Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains some portions that were edited from the finished episode due to time constraints)
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language. But we’re talking about the Bible in it so what the fuck do you expect?
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Chlorthodox Bleach; proven to whiten fabrics better than a renaissance painter whitens a Middle Eastern Messiah.
Chlorthodox Bleach: Like Christianity, it’s relatively safe for coloreds, but it’s really made for whites.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s November 21st,
And non-sequiturs are all about inflection.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from America’s clitoris New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
-
We’ll point out that Christians are really just praying to Jew God in beta testing.
-
George W. Bush will prove that he’s still got it,
-
And Lucinda will join us to learn that 2 Samuel was fun, like a clumsy colonoscopy from a polydactyl giant.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
Everywhere I go, I’m haunted by the goliath incisors and immaculate hairpiece of Joel O’Steen. Everytime I check our rank on iTunes (which I probably do more often than is psychologically healthy), I see the preposterous oral contortion he calls a smile. He’s always sitting there at the number one spot, beaming about his supremacy.
He does the same damn thing on the Stitcher ranks.
And now he’s doing the same damn thing on my morning commute. He’s got a new book out and every third subway train I step into has an ad for it. It’s yet another in his twelve thousand part series about telling you whatever the fuck you want to hear if you’re willing to pay him to say it.
The tagline on the ad is brilliantly paradoxical and encapsulates O’Steen’s brand of bullshit perfectly. Below his dentally arduous visage it reads, “God doesn’t want you to live an average life.”
Now think about that for a second. This is an ad. It’s not written to anybody in particular; it’s being told to the average person. So if O’Steen’s right and god doesn’t want you to live an average life, he probably shouldn’t have set up the law of averages to mathematically guarantee that you do.
But that’s the beauty of the whole prosperity gospel bullshit. God wants you to be rich. That’s why Jesus was all about investment advice and streamlining supply chains and stuff. God wants you to be rich so he put you in a country where the income disparity makes some food chains seem equitable. God wants you to be rich so he built you with a brain stupid enough to plop down fifteen bucks on the hardcover version of Joel O’Steen cramming the word Jesus into a generic self help seminar.
And there, in a nutshell, is my biggest problem with religion. Here’s this used dental-floss salesman spouting on about Deepak level bullshit but as long as he sprinkles it with somes gods, a few Jesuses and an accent that screams for banjo accompaniment, it’s Christian and Christians will lap it up. Not like Jesus is ever gonna show up and contradict him or anything.
It doesn’t matter that the core of O’Steen’s message is precisely antipodal to the core tenet of Christianity. It doesn’t matter that he can’t even assemble a one sentence blurb about his book without working in an accidental oxymoron. It doesn’t matter that his message makes the Secret look substantive. You like being rich don’t you? You like Jesus don’t you? Well then buy this book!
According to the ad copy, O’Steen’s new book will help you (quote) “improve relationships, increase productivity, accomplish your dreams and believe bigger.” Yes, believe bigger. That’s so stupid there should be a GNC supplement for it. Believe bigger!? Gee, that’s a hell of a deal, Joel, but do you have something that could help me run in tune? Maybe a section on how to jump darkly? Or masturbate opaquely?
But it doesn’t matter if what he’s saying doesn’t make sense. He’s selling to Christians. They’ve had their innate ability to recognize contradiction and bullshit beat out them for decades, all you have to do is use a trigger word like Jesus and they’re hardwired to shut down the critical parts of their brain. Believe bigger? Sure, that makes sense from a spatial and/or metaphorical perspective. Why not? He said Jesus nine times in four sentences and makes the word Lord multisyllabic so clearly he knows what he’s talking about.
God wants you to be rich. Sure, he could have given you wealthy parents or the PowerBall numbers, but why bother with that when he could just stick all the secrets to happiness, fulfillment and large beliefs in 22-point type, a 5th grade reading level and five easy steps.
So don’t forget to pick up your copy today, because god wants everyone to be above average.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is semi-professional devil’s advocate, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to publicly champion the Angel of Darkness?
Why not? Some of my best friends are dark.
In our lead story tonight, it would seem that the Vatican has refused a deal that they couldn’t refuse. Italian organized crime experts warn that Pope Frank Corleone’s attempts to reform the notoriously corrupt Vatican bank might have put him at risk of waking up with an alpaca’s head under his blanket.
I’m not too surprised. Dudes get whacked and rubbed out in the Vatican all the time.
Reverend Federico Lombardi, a spokesman for the Vatican, downplayed the reported threats saying (quote) “The Holy See is not at all worried, and at this point we’re kind of hoping somebody offs that fucker so we don’t have to keep retracting his ad-libs.”
Who would have ever guessed that an extremely opaque, corrupt bank full of Nazi plunder money – in a bullshit pseudo-nation built into Rome – would be laundering money for the mob?!?
Italian prosecutor and mafia expert Nicola Gratteri admits that he doesn’t have specific information about a plot against Pope Franks for Playing, but added (quote), “The last two popes didn’t ride around in a bulletproof condom for aesthetics.”
Pope refuses a deal he can’t refuse: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/14/prosecutor-pope-faces-mafia-threat/
And in “beheadline” news, the militant rebel group in Syria known as the Islamic State of Iraq and All Sham – aka ISIS – put out a heartfelt apology after accidentally decapitating fellow extremist Mohammed Fares, who – according to local custom – should have been guillotined by a rival group. Diplomats are imploring Syrian rebel groups to put their heads together … in a big pile … and come up with a peaceful solution.
Yeah, these guys are giving machete wielding Muslim terrorists a bad name, here. There’s a civilized way to decapitate your enemies, guys, and this isn’t it.
When asked about the “face-ectomy faux pas”, ISIS may or may not have released the following statement: “Look, we got served by the People’s Front of Judea on YouTube, and we were scrambling to get a jihad response video in the can. Had we known he was such an accomplished murderer of slightly different Muslims, this never would have happened.”
Yeah, but I like this story because it bucks the stereotype. Just when you thought that all Muslims do is kill people with different religious beliefs than them, they go and kill somebody with the exact same religious beliefs as them. That isn’t a woman. It’s empowering.
I like this story too . . . It makes me feel like less of a bigot during my vigilante subway security sweeps. Apparently Muslim extremists all look the same . . . even to other Muslim extremists. Somehow, the all-face beard and AK-47 are always the first thing to catch the eye.
Islamic extremists cut off the wrong dude’s head, apologize: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/10449815/Al-Qaeda-linked-rebels-apologise-after-cutting-off-head-of-wrong-person.html
And in “Habitat for Jew-manity” news tonight, ex-president, Alfred E. Neuman clone and miserable fucking idiot George W. Bush is under fire for speaking at a controversial “Jews for Jesus” fundraiser that seeks money to bring about the apocalypse by talking Jews out of the whole Judaism thing.
Why weren’t we invited to that? Our grossly offensive – yet strangely appealing – brand of humor begrudlingly devangelizes thousands of Jews every week. If there’s a second coming, it’s pretty much all us.
A spokesperson for the national embarrassment defended Bush’s appearance by arguing that (quote) “of all the fucked up shit this dude has done and all the stupid decisions, you’re gonna get your panties in a twist because he finally came clean about hating Jews? Fuck off.”
Despite his well-documented neural deficiencies, I’m like 90 percent sure he did make the following statement at the event: (quote) “You guys know Jesus’s old saying, right? … Crucify me once, shame on me. Crucify me twice … No I’ll come back and- … Well you’re not gonna crucify me again.”
Controversy over George W. speaking at “Jews for Jesus” conference: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/andrewbrown/2013/nov/14/george-w-bush-speech-messianic-judaism
And from the “Persecution by Bookstore Taxonomy” file, Christians are outraged, after being forced to push their pallet truck all the way to the fiction section of Costco, just to buy 10,000 bibles. California pastor Caleb Kaltenbach – whose name sadly lacks any overt genital references – recently discovered that a local Costco put a “fiction” label on the fantastical allegory book that defines his life.
Alright, so if those assholes at Barnes and Noble ever piss me off again I’m just gonna go in there and make up new religions just so they’ll have to rearrange the shelves. “Excuse me, miss, why the hell is the gospel of Katniss in the ‘fiction’ section, here?”
After numerous complaints from adult people who don’t know what “fiction” means, Costco has diplomatically agreed to open a “Factually-impaired Non-fiction” section, or “Lie-ography” section, to hold religious propaganda books.
Yeah, but in Costco’s defense, I didn’t know religious people could read either until I saw this article…
And, strangely enough, nobody said a word about the “fiction” label on Aesop’s Fables, the Koran, or even the Jewish prequel to the Jesus book. By Kaltenbach’s logic, every single book store with a fiction and non-fiction section, regardless of how they place each religious text, is taking part in religious persecution . . . Because it would be physically impossible not to!!!
FoxNews’ panties wrinkled over Bible being labeled as “Fiction” at Costco: http://nation.foxnews.com/2013/11/18/starnes-exclusive-costco-labels-bible-fiction
And in “the supplest of supplication” news tonight, Illinois bishop and person who shouldn’t be mixed with carbonated beverages Thomas Paprocki plans to hold an exorcism in (quote) “reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage”.
Probably a smart move. This should shut down all the earthquakes and typhoons. Your welcome, Phillipines. Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a joke here about gay ghost demons and crossing the streams.
While you’re working that out, I’ll get back to the story. Paprocki justified his belief that gay marriage is inspired by Lucifer by pointing out that back when Pope Fran Tarkenton was still just Cardinal Jorge Burger-Google, he said as much. When Argentina legalized gay marriage the then archbishop called it (quote) “A move of the father of lies who wishes to confuse and deceive the children of God” (end quote) which is clearly either of reference to the devil or then supreme pontificate Pope Bent-and-dicked-us.
How do exorcisms work, again? Will the gay married couples stop being gay, or stop being married? Or will one change gender?
Yes. The exorcism is scheduled to take place while we’re recording tonight so if, by the time you hear this, there are still fags, Paprocki will have proven that at least Catholic god is verifiably false.
Illinois Bishop plans gay-marriage exorcism: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/15/illinois-bishop-plans-gay-marriage-exorcism/
And from the “Irish comedian tells offensive joke about Muslims” file . . . Why the fuck is anyone ever surprised about the contents of this file?!? Conan O’Brien recently tweeted: (quote) “Marvel Comics is introducing a new Muslim female superhero. She has so many more special powers than her husband’s other wives.” Despite being hilarious, and therefore exempt from bigotry charges, there were many angry responses, and Conan deleted the tweet like a pussy.
In his defense, he could’ve been trying to protect his streak for the longest a person has ever been considered a comedian without being funny.
One such angry response said: (quote) “Real classy bigotry, Conan O’Brien. Did you enjoy having a laugh at the expense of the marginalized?” YES!!! Comedians tell jokes, and we all have a laugh at the expense of the marginalized!!! That’s humor!!! And it’s not like he made an offensive list of possilbe names . . .
Pretty sure that’s our cue to put 30 seconds on the clock. Muslim Superheroines. Go!!!
Before we start, I did some research, and there does exist a PakistAnime superheroine called . . . no bullshit . . . The Burka Avenger. But I’m gonna start with Silk Scarf Spectre.
Bur-kat woman? I know that’s not very good, but The Brown Widow is racist so I’m not gonna use that one.
That is racist. Not ALL Muslim women were widowed by a suicide bomber . . .
The Black Tar Heroine
Hum-mystique
They do eat hummus . . . The Almost Invisible Woman? Just a floating eye rectangle.
I was gonna say the “Wishes she was Invisible Woman”
SheRa-madan … The She-Hadist
Maybe a team of superwomen; The Fantastic 72
Shit yeah . . . the little lebowski virgin achievers . . . the heaven groupies . . . the Tali-Band-Aids.
Conan mocks Islam: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/19/is-this-conan-obrien-joke-racist/
Damn, I hate to close things out so close to a fatwa, but we’re out of time for headlines. Heath, thanks as always.
Messiah-Nara!!!
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in discovering that the 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel division had nothing to do with the bathroom code.
Poem
2 Samuel
Two Samuel? Well damn you’ll forgive me for saying,
I’m starting to like all the raping and slaying,
It’s not that the bible has sapped all my ethics,
And it’s not that I’m a fan of historical epics,
It’s just better than all the begats and the praying.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s too long and the story’s a mess,
And there’s a huge literary mistake to address,
A new character appears every sentence or two,
Which makes keeping track of them miserably tricky to do,
But I suppose I can try nonetheless.
To start it all there was Saul who was king but got killed;
Then there’s David whose promise from god was fulfilled;
There’s Ahinoam and Abbie, David’s first wives,
And Ishbaal, son of Saul, whose reign he revives,
With Abner, a warrior respected and skilled.
Joab’s the commander of David’s armed forces,
His brother Asahel runs as fast as the horses,
But he slowed down when Abner puts a spear through his gut
So Joab snuffs him out like a cigarette butt,
Against David’s orders according to dubious sources.
Baanah and Rechab are Ishbaal’s remaining commanders,
But they kill their own king and go to David to pander,
So with Saul’s house destroyed, he goes after the chicks,
Like Michal who he purchased with Philistine dicks
And wants back though it’s clear that he can’t stand her.
King David was fertile with a dick never limp,
And he had more chicks to fuck than a Manhattan pimp,
So he had children a lot; first Amnon then Chileab,
Absalom, Adonijah, Shephatiah and Ithream,
Oh yeah, and he took care of Mephibosheth the gimp.
Tamar was a hottie and Amnon wanted to fist her,
So he told his friend Jonadab that he couldn’t resist her.
Jonadab says, “Rape her” so Amnon acts like he’s sick;
When she bend over to help, he just whips out his dick.
So he fucks her, then boots her and, oh yeah, she’s his sister.
Then there’s Bathsheba, Tamar was hot but she’s hotter,
And when David first spots her she’s wearing nothing but water,
So he disregards the fact that she’s menstruating and married,
His salami was hard and it had to be buried,
And so did Urriah, her husband, who David had slaughtered.
King Haram builds King David stately abodes,
Nathan, the seer, foretells and forebodes,
Hanun the Ammonite mistreats King David’s men,
Shimei tosses rocks at the king now and then,
And Uzzah puts a hand on the ark and explodes.
Sheba is mutinous, Ahithophel is unwise,
Amasa brings about Sheba’s demise,
Eleazar, Shammah and Josheb-basshebeth,
Are ferocious, impetuous merchants of death,
And, oh yeah, there’s Solomon, who has yet to arise.
From Abiathar the priest to Ziba, servant of Saul;
Through the dozen of characters I don’t even recall,
There’s no shortage within of unpronounceable names,
So when you think about it, it’s really kind of a shame
To name the book after someone who’s not in it at all.
Babble
For the love of our listeners, we suffered through 2 Samuel this week; this book has all the literary intrigue of a high school newspaper and as many characters as a high school yearbook and yet still, somehow we got all the way through it.
I used cocaine. Good for awful books, plus it helps you stay motivated to … buy more cocaine later that day. And that third digit in my bank account was really getting unmanageable.
And of course, joining us in this misguided adventure once again is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back to the show.
Great to be here, despite the circumstances… and I think Heath should have shared the cocaine.
Alright, so 2 Samuel starts off exactly when 1 Samuel leaves off, so Lucinda, can you set the stage for us?
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Sure. When last we saw our intrepid hero David, he was off kicking Amalekite ass, rescuing kidnapped people and being elsewhere while Israel gets wasted by the Philistines.
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So chapter one of two Samuel starts with some random guy showing up and telling David that Jonathan and Saul fell in battle, and that, upon request, he finished Saul off. So David kills him.
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“That’s my gay lover – and his dad my other gay lover – you’re talking about, asshole! Nobody finishes off Saul better than me!”
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So with Saul dead the whole kingdom goes to shit. David is declared king of Judah, Ishbaal becomes king of not Judah, then, of course, they start killing each other.
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“So uhh . . . how’re we gonna settle this? We can’t have people fighting over this shitty desert for the next 5000 years. What if we take 10 of my guys, and 10 of your guys, and they all stab each other at the same time, and we see what happens?”
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“That makes NO sense . . . Make it 12 guys each, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”
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And in chapter three we learn that David definitely didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner. I mean he really, really, really didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner; even though he was around when it happened and benefited greatly from it and could have done it, he definitely didn’t.
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And he didn’t know about it, or order it or anything.
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Right, it wasn’t David. It was his general, Joab. And generals don’t just kill people on command.
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Then we learn in chapter four that he also didn’t kill Ishbaal, either.
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Hell, he killed him even less than he killed Abner, who he also didn’t kill.
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So after the coincidental and definitely-not-premeditated by David murders of his two rivals to the throne, he becomes king of all Israel.
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And he fucks a lot. He’s got wives, concubines, other dude’s wives…
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Then we get a whole chapter talking about the “Bring me the Ark!” parade, which apparently ends in a tent where David rocks out with his cock out, which pisses off his first wife,
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You’ll remember her from One Samuel where he traded her straight up for a bag of dicks.
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If you’ve ever been to a Bar Mitvah, you’ll know that Jewish men and their white friends can’t dance without the aid of those twenty-something black people they hire as interactive dancer extras.
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Chapter seven is one of those “Gee, god, you sure are the most awesome god of all gods and we’re all really impressed down here” kind of chapters. Oh, and god promises that David’s line will rule Israel forever.
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Yeah, how’s that workin’ out?
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David was part Palestinian, right?
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And then he kicks ass, kills people, subdues land and steals gold.
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Apparently he won the loyalty of the Moabites, by only murdering two thirds of them? . . . “Who wants to try a really fun game? . . . Everyone look to your left, and now to your right. I’m going to murder you, and one of those other two guys. Or both of them, and you’re my slave. Everybody understand how to play? I’m pretty awesome, right? . . . Vote David for King in negative 984!!!”
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Then David starts feeling guilty for definitely-not-killing Jonathan so he decides to take in his crippled grandson.
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Then the Ammonites piss him off by forcibly shaving his envoys so he kicks ass some more and kills a lot more people.
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And since 2 Samuel is the model for all future latently homo-erotic fraternity pledge hazing, they shave half their beard, and make them wear assless pants. Yet despite the biblical mandate, Mitt Romney was chastised when he did the same thing to a gay at his high school.
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And then… Holy shit, just when you thought David could do no wrong, we meet Bethsheba. David’s just minding his own business, beating off on his porch one day when he sees a hot chick bathing.
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“I knew it would pay off to put a bucket of sudsy sponges and a dirty car, right there under the palace porch! Give her dad these 50 shekels just in case, and bring her to me!”
So he bones her and she comes back a couple of weeks later to tell him she’s pregnant.
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So what to do, right? She’s married, so he can’t take her as his wife… unless, of course, she’s suddenly widowed. So he sees to that.
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And apparently that was a bridge too far and God decides to enact some holy retribution on David.
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Or, more accurately, on David’s wives who he sentences to be publicly fucked by his neighbors and his son, who God then kills with a horrible illness.
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Yeah, that ought to show him…
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And since God doesn’t exist, David blatantly chose to have her gang-raped. Unless of course this book isn’t meant to be taken literally. In which case, the gang-rape must be a metaphor for something good and holy.
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And then Amnon teaches us all how to properly rape your sister.
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“I really want to fuck my sister, but she’s not as rednecky as I hoped. Do we have a sister-fucking guy on staff?”
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“Well Jonadab didn’t specialize in that, but he’s pretty clever.”
So Jonadab says, “Have you tried luring her to your house and raping her?”
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“Yeah just tell her you want to eat freshly baked bread directly from her hand. That way it’s not suspicious.”
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But apparently his brother Absalom wasn’t too happy about it so he ordered his servants to kill him and then he fled to Geshur.
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And I love how they broke the news to David. Basically they say, “Hey, bro, Absalom killed all your sons” and when David starts losing it they say, “Just kidding! He only killed Amnon.”
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“What do you guys think that was all about? The sister raping? It’s been a couple years now.”
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And then we learn that if you’re ever serving a king who’s having trouble forgiving his son for murdering his son and thus endangering the lineage of your nation, all you need is a bag lady.
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Right. So David half ass forgives Absalom, but that’s not enough so he sets Joab’s field on fire in a tantrum.
-
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And then in a surprise twist, it turns out that Absalom, the fratricidal arsonist, is actually a bad guy.
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Who would have guessed? So he starts undermining dad and sets himself up as king.
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Then David tucks his tail between his legs and takes to the woods. Along the way people throw rocks at him and shit for being a slut.
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And David sends Hushai the Archite to fuck up the counsel of Ahithophel; who then advises Absalom to bang his father’s concubines as publicly as possible.
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I knew that coming was coming.
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I knew Caesar had it wrong . . . It’s “Vidi Vici Veni.” I saw, I conquered, I came. This is an important morality lesson, and I can see why they kept it in the book . . . How else does a guy know which whores to fuck during a “Jew d’etat”, following the rape of his sister by a half-brother? And where does God want me to fuck them? Publicly? Privately?
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And then we spend a long chapter with Absalom saying, “Do I send 12,000 men to kill my father, do I not send 12,000 men to kill my father”.
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But the problem is that he was listening to Ahithophel when he should have been listening to Akkbar because, as we learn in chapter 18, It’s a trap.
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David’s army surrounds Absalom’s army and once again we find David most-definitely not killing his enemy.
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“Did you kill your son with spears and hang him from a tree?”
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“No . . . No . . . What had happened . . . is . . . Well on the average day, Absalom walks around with about 100 shekels-worth – or 2 rapings-worth – of beautiful, nappy Jew-fro on his head. As he often did, he was riding an ass, and his hair got caught, and then he got speared . . . by the guy I keep pardoning and re-appointing general after murdering my rivals without my permission.”
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Do David’s bawling about his son dying until Joab comes in and tells him to man up.
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Then he heads back to Jerusalem and along the way all the people who laid bets with Absalom come back to see if there’s room for one more set of lips on the king’s ass.
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But they can’t even get all the way to Jerusalem without another coup attempt.
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Right. The non-Judean Israelites get a bad case of middle-child-syndrome so they rally under Sheba and march off to start their own promised land.
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Yeah, and that works out fine until the people of Abel chopped off his head and tossed it over the city wall.
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And in case you were wondering what happened to the 10 prostitutes David left in Jerusalem to be pillaged by Absalom’s army . . . They’re still there, but David absolutely did NOT fuck them again. He was nice enough to put them up in a studio apartment for used whore-widows, and get them a reality show. “Real Housewives of Jerusalem Polygamists”
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And in case you were wondering who David appointed to his cabinet as Slave Master General, it was Adoniram.
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Yeah, they get damn specific. Then we get a famine and David’s like, “Hey god, what’s with the starving and shit?” and god replies, “Yeah, well, Saul did try to kill the Gibeonites so everyone has to starve until you impale seven of his descendants on a hillside.”
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So Jesus stole that trick from Saul’s grandkids?
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Yeah and because this book of the bible was directed by Michael Bay, it ends with an action beat and they go around killing giants.
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Only Michael Bay could come up with the idea for the final fight, when David’s nephew rubs Polydactycil cream on his sword and kills the 12-fingered Amish Giant, despite the seemingly insurmountable 20% advantage in grip and simple arithmetic.
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And then David sings about how awesome god is for a chapter…
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Oh… I thought he was singing about crack there.
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And then we meet the Hebrew special ops guys. This whole chapter is just a list of Jewish ass kickers that reads like Noah’s thanking the donors at the end of the show..
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Oh, I’m totally using that this week.
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And then David takes a census and apparently god gets as pissed off about those as tea-party libertarians so he plagues the nation for three days and kills 70,000 people.
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God says: “I’ll give you 3 choices . . . Would you rather 70,000 Jews get killed by plague over the course of 3 days, OR be forced to wear mittens for 3 months straight, OR you almost sneeze and lose it once a day for 3 years?” David had just done a census, and 70,000 was pretty minor, so plague it was.
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Yeah… not exactly a climactic ending.
Books of the bible are like masturbation, not sex. It’s climactic enough if it’s over. So that does it for 2 Samuel. The Holy Babble will be back in episode 43 with 1 Kings. Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.
Libel Babble Blible Blabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!!!
Outro
In honor of my friend Luke, on whose birthday we’re recording this episode and who was a huge part of the inspiration that eventually became this show, I’ll be rendering the outro tonight, by request, in third person biblical.
And behold, Noah did earn favor in the eyes of the people, and the Spaghetti Monster was with him and so he went to the people and gathered them together and spoke onto them, but then he reached the end of the show.
And the people lamented for there was no more blasphemy but then they learned that there was more blasphemy and they rejoiced. For Noah had spoken before to Jake of the house of Farr and the house of Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show and all the words that he spake could be found by the people on episode one hundred and fifty and nine of that show.
And they learned, too, that Noah had also appeared for a few brief seconds on “The Herd Mentality” with Adam Reakes, son of Brian, son of Sydney, son of William and that he could be heard there, too, on episode twenty nine of that fine program of the Australites.
And the people did call out for Heath the Heathen and they did heap adoration upon him as well they should. And they did call out for Lucinda, the concubine of Noah whom they loved and they did heap adoration upon her as well. And they did call out for the anonymous doctor Steve, regular contributor to the Skepticule podcast and Vegas favorite for the best Farnsworth quote of all time. And they should probably heap adoration on him as well and if they were so inclined they would find a convenient link on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist dot com(eth).
And Noah called out to the people and said to them “Follow me! On Facebook and Twitter and YouTube and stuff!” And the people did follow him.
And then he called from all the people six of them that were the best of all, and he said, “Deb, who is a friend to all the woodland animals, come forward”, and Deb came forward. And he said, “Lindsay, who defeated 10,000 Philistines at once with an ink pen and chapstick, come forward; Willie, upon whose house birds fear to shit for he is so great; Jeffrey, who is long of shaft and brass of ball; Morten, whose wisdom is greater still than ten men… ten women and three hermaphrodites; and Lee, whose enemies flee before his name, which is rough for them because Lee is a very common syllable; All of you come forth.”
And Deb and Lindsay and Willie and Jeffrey and Morten and Lee did come forth and Noah spoke unto them, saying “All who hear my words are great; but you are greater still, for you have sacrificed your hard earned sheckel upon the altar of our Paypal account thus earning great favor such that your names will be forever remembered and the Spaghetti Monster will look favorably on your houses for many generations.”
And then Noah thought the biblical thing was played out so he just said, “If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 38 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains some portions edited from the completed episode due to time constraints
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language like shit and fuck.
Sponsor: Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new television network ESPN Jew; featuring hall of fame sportscasters Marv Albert, Chris Berman, Howard Cosell, Marty Glickman and Al Michaels, narrating an endless loop of Sandy Koufax highlights with occasional snippets of disgraced steroid-abusing Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun.
ESPN Jew, because seriously, it’s Koufax and Bears punter Adam Podlesh.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s November 7th,
And Brandon Lee died because someone filled in the (blank).
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from post-Bloombergian New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
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We’ll refresh you with some thinking-man’s abortion jokes.
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The Jews will continue to have not murdered Jesus,
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And we do an entire segment on Pennsylvania schools, without a single Sandusky joke.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
Normally I do retractions at the end of the show, but this week we’ve got one I want to put right up front. The atheist blogosphere was abuzz all week last week with stories about a Polish girl who committed suicide to be with her father in heaven. It was all over social media all week complete with vigilant Jesus-defenders trying to theologically justify it.
Heath and I reported on it as well and the day that episode was released we immediately started seeing the retractions. It turns out the original story came from a tabloid paper and the more vigilant reporters were unable to confirm any of the details of the story. It almost certainly never happened.
But even before that news came out, there was a bit of internal conflict about running with this news item. Even when I didn’t doubt the veracity of the story, I was still hesitant to include it. Part of my resistance stems from the fact that I’m nowhere near as comfortable as my co-host with the prospect of making jokes about a suicidal elementary schooler, but part of it was simply the extreme nature of the story. I mean, it’s not like there was a rash of theologically inspired preteen suicides or anything. Even if this happened it was an extreme, isolated incident.
So when Heath brought up the story I originally objected to it. I explained my objection and he reasoned me out of them. And what’s more, the reasons that convinced me are still valid even if the story is bullshit.
This story was so appealing to atheists not because they believed that this was some inevitable consequence of religion, but because it offered a case study in one of the many theological pretzels that comes with the whole afterlife concept. Whether or not some little girl really killed herself to get to heaven, the questions that it prompted from atheists is no less valid.
As near as I can tell, this whole afterlife thing is the only real feature religion has left to sell. That and intermittent divine key-location. And as much as people seem to love the concept of an afterlife, it’s a sex-in-the-shower kind of thing; it sounds good until you start thinking about it.
The Facebook arguments bore this out. Most of them went like this:
The atheist would say, “Well if she got to be with her dad, wasn’t suicide the right choice?”
And the theist would counter with theological minutia; “No, because suicide is a mortal sin.”
To which the atheist would say, “So god sent the little girl to hell for eternity for missing her dad?”
To which the theist would change the subject, commit a gross logical fallacy or criticize the atheist’s spelling and/or punctuation.
Of course none of this matters because there was no little girl, there is no god and there is no heaven, but that doesn’t spackle over the logic gap at all.
Some of the debates were more utilitarian, of course. Some people argued for the value of simply believing in heaven whether it existed or not and thus avoided the delicate little-girl-roasting-in-hellfire problem by framing it as a question of proper theological education.
“If somebody told her that suicide was a mortal sin beforehand, she’d never have considered it.”
Okay, maybe that’s true, but how comforting is that to the little girl whose dad shot himself? What do you tell her? “Don’t worry, sweetheart, someday you’ll get bicurious and then you’ll get to burn in hell with him.”
I’m sick and tired of listening to people argue the merits of a belief in the afterlife. It’s an absurd concept no matter how you try to spin it and what’s more, it makes it harder to deal with the reality that dead people are just dead. That’s usually the hardest thing anyone will ever have to deal with so you’re probably better off trying to deal with it right away rather than cheese-clothing over it with fairy tales until it actually happens.
One way or the other, death is hard to deal with and like most things, rampant illogical bullshit doesn’t make it any easier. The cold comfort of thinking about grandma looking down from heaven dries up really quick when you’re lubing a dildo. And the cold comfort of your own immortality dries up when you think about a heaven run by some dude that has a perfectly good paradise elsewhere and put us here instead.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is the third member of our two man triumvirate Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to virate?
Sure, why not? The ladies love things that virate.
In our lead story tonight, an Egyptian atheist was arrested this week for existing. According to a report from “Ahram Online”, a 20 year old student in the Suez city of Ismailia was arrested after allegedly starting an atheist group on Facebook.
I thought the CIA installed an Atheist Jewish government after causing Arab Spring.
Yeah, that’s what the NSA transcripts say, but apparently not. This would not mark the first time the Egyptian judicial system has responded to illegal use of emoticons. In December of last year atheist activist Alber Saber was sentenced to three years in jail for sharing a link to an online film critical of Islam.
They wanted him to post links to all the pro-Islam movies currently dominating world cinema?
Like… Obama’s home movies?
Rama-Donnie Brasco?
Water-boardwalk Empire.
Halal-most Famous.
Anyway, in their continuing effort to make sure the days of the pharaohs remains the highpoint in Egyptian civilization, the nation boasts draconian blasphemy laws that make (quote) “offending religion in any form” punishable by as many as six years in prison or two years service against the legionnaires.
Egyptians arrested for starting atheist Facebook page: http://english.ahram.org.eg/NewsContent/1/64/84968/Egypt/Politics-/Egypt-security-investigates-student-for-forming-at.aspx
And from the “Saviors NOT Murdered By Jews” file … Jesus: the Jews did NOT murder Jesus. However, according to a 2013 survey, only 75% of Americans are willing to believe the Jewish alibi on this, which says (quote) “None of us are 2000-year-old former citizens of ancient Rome.” Strangely enough, the remaining 25% tend to be anti-Semitic, despite the fact that – as far as they know – the Jews killed Jesus for their sins. I think a modicum of gratitude is in order…
That’s a too often overlooked part of this thing. Sure, Jesus died for the sins, but everybody involved was playing a necessary role in god’s divine plan. Where’s the love for the guy who made the crown of thorns? Or the carpenter that put together the cross? After all, that cat o nine tails didn’t just clean the chunks of flesh out of itself.
Historians and other literate people point out that the Jewish people were slaves in Rome at the time of Jesus’s death, and generally slave populations had little control over government execution policy, as evidenced by the fact that Jewish slaves were getting executed all the time. Despite this, and several other instances of the Jews NOT murdering people, and one huge instance of the opposite, many Americans still carry anti-Semitic attitudes.
In preparation for this news story I made the mistake of typing “25% of Americans think…” into the Google search bar. Possibly the most depressing autocomplete you will ever see.
For example, about 25% believe (quote) “Jews still talk too much about what happened to them in the Holocaust.” (end quote) . . .
Six million little cases of murder and they’re bitching for a century… Jews.
Gotta figure lots of these anti-Semites are Bible Belters . . .
Do you really get a lot of 90-year-old German Jews jogging up next to you in rural Arkansas, you’re just trying to do some cardio, and they won’t stop blabbing on about surviving genocide?
“You working up a good sweat? I’m auschvitzing like a pig over here.”
“Shut up Saul- actually that’s pretty funny. You can say that because you’re Jewi- Look I don’t have time to make holocaust puns with you again!” …
Guess we should put 30 seconds on the cl-
We will not be putting 30 seconds on the clock for a holocaust pun segment. Moving on.
25% of Americans believe the Jews killed Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/jews-killed-jesus-adl-survey_n_4191568.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And from the “What’s the motto with you?” file tonight, a bill that would put the words “In God We Trust” in every public school in the state has passed through Pennsylvania’s Education committee, reminding atheists and secularists everywhere that rednecks don’t only live in the south.
Those rednecks do spread quickly. They fuck like rabbits. Like ignorant, incestuous rabbits.
Hell, some of them just fuck rabbits. Anyway, the bill’s sponsor and amputated-testicle joke on a tee Rick Saccone points out that the measure would promote patriotism by reminding school kids that America was founded by the same oppressively religious assholes they had in the rest of the world back then. Nine of the twenty three members of the committee opposed the bill on the grounds that would cost money and is stupid, but supporters point out that (quote) “them motherfuckers are a bunch of godless commies”.
Yeah it’s the lack of creationist visual aids that’s leading to all the rampant atheism. Kids don’t trust things unless they have lots of posters with vague, unexplained platitudes.
Saccone also points out that this will help draw attention to the little known fact that the red-scare inspired change in the nation’s motto wasn’t proposed by just any irrational, divisive, nugatory, reactionary, hysterical, twaddling tit… it was a Pennsylvanian one.
And speaking of propaganda mongers with semi-amputated testicles, Richard Sack-One, aka Dick Half-Sack, aka Only One Kenobi started his political career at the Ministry of Truth in Oceania during the mid-eighties.
Bill to put “In God We Trust” in every classroom passes PA Education committee: http://www.abc27.com/story/23782955/pa-house-gets-bill-to-post-in-god-we-trust-in-schools
And in “Found My Soul Mate” news: Area woman celebrates Halloween dressed as a bloodied Boston Marathon runner . . . According my research, and her twitter handle, I just need to look for (quote) “Some Skank in Michigan” named Alicia Ann Lynch.
As a native born Michigander I can tell you, we’ve got the best skanks.
She’s perfect for me, right? Female, 22, self-proclaimed skank … check check check. And she might just have the best cringe-worthy sense of humor ever. Close second place in the cringe-worthy humor contest goes to the accidentally hilarious Lisa in Dallas, who tried to angrily respond to Lynch by saying: (quote) “Wow. If she has kids, would she put them in bloodied Sandy Hook shirts?” (end quote)
Inadvertently giving Heath a reason to procreate.
Alicia Lynch (and/or Lisa in Dallas for that matter), I hereby offer to impregnate you, have those kids, and dress them up like Lisa suggests, just so we could take the most offensive and also hilarious family photo of all time. I’m not suggesting the events themselves are funny, but when combined with a holiday about death juxtaposed with children in costumes, I can’t avoid a chuckle. And hand on a Bible, most people in Boston would trade a minor explosion at the marathon for a Red Sox world series all day.
Isn’t it a little too soon for World Series jokes?
Funniest Female Ever: http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/woman-s-boston-marathon-bombing-costume–what-it-says-about-everyone-205502002.html
And in “Abstain-o-lantern” news tonight, a Christian assholes took it upon herself to ruin Halloween for some neighborhood kids when she chose to augment the traditional candy by stapling it to graphic anti-abortion propaganda.
Nothing goes together like halloween candy, staples, and dead kids.
While nothing would appetize an atheist like pictures of aborted fetuses, a number of the parents in the New Mexico neighborhood were shocked. The woman who handed out the dead baby menus defended her actions by reminding people that it’s okay to be a bitch as long as Jesus.
Okay, 30 seconds on the clock; Baby-based Halloween candies:
Fetus Pieces- no Sugar Baby Killers
Embryo Ruth Bars
And the miniatures are called Test Tube Baby Ruth?
Kid-Kats
SteM&M Cells
Spree-mies?
Cadbury Ova? Cadbury Fertilized Eggs? Cadbury Egg Drop Soup – and if you weren’t listening last week, that’s describing candied euphemisms for abortion.
It’s not a candy, but you could have some infanti-cider to drink.
Ok nice, atheist beverages … Swiss Miscarriage Hot Chocolate
Christians give out graphic anti-abortion propaganda at Halloween: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/new-mexico-trick-or-treaters-given-graphic-anti-abortion-propaganda-with-candy/
In “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” news, several drunken rednecks went wandering in the woods at night with rifles, hoping to murder a mythical yeti. When they saw a what appeared to be a large, bearded human with a blaze orange jacket, they did what any former vice president would do, and shot him.
“What could that human shaped thing in the dark be, if not a bigfoot?”
Yeah, apparently they initially told the 911 dispatcher that he’d been gored by a unicorn in combat but when she expressed doubt, they were forced to tell the truth. They needed a replacement cryptozoological hair for the core of their magic wands.
I also love that the news report ends with the sentence, “It is not yet known if drugs or alcohol played any part in the accident.” For the sake of my faith in humanity, both drugs and alcohol better have played a fucking role in it.
Unfortunately this story does not have a happy ending. In what can only be described as a Darwin Award snub, the wounded sasquatch wrangler is expected to survive.
Man accidentally shot while “hunting bigfoot” with friends: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/three-men-arrested-after-accidental-shooting-during-bigfoot-hunt/
In “Them-merry-gentlemen-are-probably-fags-too” news tonight, greeting card behemoth and indefatigable generator of trivial holidays Hallmark is dodging accusations of homophobia this week after releasing a Christmas ornament that rewrites the lyrics to “Deck the Halls” to take out that offensive reference to assless chaps.
What happened? Did Hallmark find out that “Yuletide Carol” is the name of a trans-gender holiday-themed prostitute on my block? Oh no, obviously … It’s the line before that. It’s gonna say “Don we now our HOMOSEXUAL apparel” to be politically correct.
Close, but actually the sweater shaped ornament has, “Don we now our FUN apparel” written across it, but in Hallmark’s defense, it’s the gayest fucking sweater you can imagine so clearly they don’t hate the gays across the board.
Right and it’s only for the one holiday. It’s like how white people are allowed to use the N-word on Christmas morning. And then Christians are allowed to use homophobic slurs that afternoon. There’s a holiday hate schedule, and it generally works.
A representative for the company explained that the song dates back to the 1880s, way before gay meant having butt sex, adding (quote) “today it has multiple meanings, which we thought could leave out intent open to misinterpretation”. So apparently the representatives for Hallmark think that many of their customers have assumed this whole time that those carollers are singing about anal-beads and strapons.
Certain apparel – gay or straight – was really put in there to be removed.
Hallmark edits Deck the Hall to remove references to butt-sex: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/10/31/hallmark-nixes-gay-from-christmas-carol-on-ornament/
In “Hexa-kosioi-hexe-konta-hexa-phobia” news, the Christianity brainwash process caused a high school cross country runner to drop out of a race. The satanic cult that runs the Whitley County Kentucky school system, insisted that she wear Anti-Christ propaganda in the form of a bib with the # 666, also known as a Beelze-Bib.
Student and amateur biblical numerologist Gina Croley explained her decision by saying (quote), “I didn’t want to risk my relationship with god”
Helped the poor… check.
Kept my commandments… check.
Didn’t mix fibers… check.
Never randomly fell to number six hundred and sixty six in a numerical set… hold on a second!
When asked why she didn’t just flip it to 999, or pencil in a “point one” or a “negative sign”, her church spokesman I made up replied: (quote) “Satan’s not that stupid. And it’s not like this is arbitrary. We hate any homo-digital number that’s equal to the summation of the integers from 1 to the square of that digit.” (end quote) … Fun way to scare Christians away I guess: “Don’t make me add up the numbers on this roulette wheel. I’ll fucking do it. 1010011010 in binary!!! Stay back!!!”
Satan Almost Gets Soul at High School Cross Country Race: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/05/high-school-runner-drops-out-of-regional-race-after-being-assigned-number-666/
Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always for being a part of it.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to reluctantly say penises three times in a single sentence.
Merch Plug:
http://www.cafepress.com/scathingatheist
Welcome back to the Scathing Atheist home-shopping network, America’s number one source for Scathing Atheist logo merchandise. Heath, what’s our next item?
Next up is this lovely Scathing Atheist logo Men’s V-Neck T-Shirt. This 100% soft cotton tee is perfect for beaches, parks, outdoor sporting events… anywhere you normally wear clothes, really. And it’s available in five sizes so you can collect ‘em all!
Because having only clothes that fit you is narrow minded. Now, if I’m not mistaken this T-shirt has been scientifically proven to increase your balance, sexual stamina and white blood cell count, isn’t that right?
Yes, if you’re not mistaken, those things are true.
And how much are we selling these T-shirts for today, Heath?
That’s a great question because I’m sure our listeners have seen similar shirts in Fifth Avenue boutiques selling for hundreds if not millions of dollars, but we have a special indefinite-day-offer where our listeners can get them for one easy payment of only $23.99.
Obviously you misspoke, as the price you quoted is clearly less than a tenth of the value of this amazing upper body garment. I’m sure you didn’t mean “only $23.99”.
No, you heard me right. We’re practically giving these shirts away right now.
That price is far too low for me to believe anything you have to say about this T-shirt so let’s move on to our next item.
Sure. Next up we’ve got a rugged and durable hard plastic Scathing Atheist logo iPhone case with a polished finish.
I have to tell you, that’s so beautiful I’m erect. I’m literally having trouble not dry humping it at this very moment.
I have one inside me right now. This iPhone case has been clinically tested to improve weight loss, regrow hair, improve athletic performance, and nestle comfortably in your duodenum.
And how did those clinical tests come out?
They were brought to completion, as was I, via prostate.
Excellent. You know, that’s such an aesthetically pleasing iPhone case I couldn’t help myself and I bought three of them this morning. And I don’t even own an iPhone.
Well that’s not a problem. We also have them available for iPads, iPad minis, Galaxy phones, Kindles and more.
Yeah, but they don’t all have that beautiful Scathing Atheist logo design on the back do they?
They do.
Wow. That must cost at least $355.
Actually, believe it or not, these phone covers start as low as $20.39.
Holy shit! That’s under $20.40! I’m starting to doubt your integrity.
I get that a lot at these ridiculous prices.
So you’re telling me I can protect my phone from scratches…
That’s right.
Dings…
Mm-hmm.
Scuffs,
Yep.
And drops,
That’s correct.
AND I can proudly display my filthy monkey heritage at the same time?
I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true, but because of a once in a lifetime astronomical convergence, we’re able to offer these state of the art phone and tablet covers for a steal. Like many an eponymous retailer, we’ve gone crazy and started slashing prices!!!
Wow. Who’d have ever thought I could finish all my holiday shopping so quickly. But as amazing as that deal is, I see one problem with it.
What’s that, Noah?
Well, I can already hear listeners at home saying, “I really want that lovely iPhone cover, but I don’t want to cover an iPhone with it so much as I want to cover myself with it. And I don’t want it to be made of hard plastic so much as a poly/cotton blend. And I wish it had a hood.” It’s a shame we don’t have anything for those listeners.
We do.
We do?
Well how about this lovely Scathing Atheist logo pullover hoodie for only $41.99? Or this fitted ladies zipper hoodie for only $32.39?
But what if they don’t have a gym bag to put all this lovely Scathing Atheist logo merchandise in?
Well, I suppose they could add this Scathing Atheist logo water resistant, nylon gym bag to their shopping cart for only $16.19.
Is that the correct price or are you suffering from some rare form of mathematical insanity?
I know, I know, these prices are far too low to be accepted on faith, but you can verify them all by going to cafepress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and you’ll see that my mental faculties are still in working order.
Wow, I suppose I’ll have to log on to that website or check the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com for a handy link immediately.
So will everyone listening, I’m sure.
Well, assuming that all of our listeners are discerning shoppers with a keen sense of value. Oh, and weren’t you saying something about free shipping earlier?
No, I wasn’t.
Bible Story:
“Run gather the young ‘uns, folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!”
(Judges 19)
Gather round boys and girls, today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the most important women in the whole bible. She was so important that the whole nation of Israel went to war over her and all she had to do was get raped to death and dismembered.
We don’t know her name, but we’ll call her Terry. She was a concubine, which is kind of like a combination between a wife and a slave, and one day the man that owned her made her mad so she went home to her parents. After a few months of trying unsuccessfully to lick his own balls, he decided to go get her, because after all, he did own her.
So he went and got her but on the way back to his house they found themselves in a town called Gibeah. They’d never been there before, it was getting dark and they didn’t have anywhere to sleep so they were really scared. But luckily a nice old man came across them and let them stay at his house.
He gave them food and something to drink, but right before they were about to put on their pajamas, there was a knock on the door.
“Who is it?” the old man asked.
A voice on the other side of the door answered, “A violent rape gang”
Now suddenly everyone got very scared because violent rape gangs like to force their penises into places where you’d rather not have penises and nobody in the house wanted any penises in them.
“What do you want?” the old man asked.
And the violent rape gang answered back, “You brought some man into your house tonight. Send him outside so that we may know him.”
And when they said, “know him”, they meant “fuck him”, and when I say “fuck him”, I mean forcibly penetrate his rectum with their engorged, throbbing cocks. And when I say rectum, I mean butthole.
But the man inside didn’t want to have his butthole forcibly penetrated so he turned to the old man and asked what they could do.
“I don’t know”, the old man said, “They’re not going to go away until they have somebody to violently rape.”
And the man gave a big sigh of relief. He was afraid he would have to be raped, but luckily he had Terri there to get raped for him. So he and the old man pushed her out the door and the violent rape gang went to work violently gang raping her. And that was very rude because the sounds of her being brutally violated to death made it really hard for the other two men to sleep.
Eventually the gang got bored and stopped raping her, so she tried to crawl back to the house, but her intervaginal hemmoraging was too severe so she only made it to the porch before she died.
The next morning her husband (slash) owner got up and rubbed his eyes, ready to finish his journey home. He thanked the old man and then went outside to get his fuck-slave. He saw her laying on the porch and thought that she must be really lazy to still be asleep so late in the morning, so he kicked her a few times to wake her up.
And when he realized she was actually dead, he was extremely annoyed. How was he supposed to fuck her now? So he did the logical thing, he chopped her into little pieces and mailed the bleeding hunks of her body all over the nation so that people could see how mean the people in Gibeah were.
So all the people in Israel decided to end the violence by massacring all the men, women and children that lived in Gibeah, even the ones that didn’t have anything to do with gang-raping Terri.
And pretty much nobody lived happily ever after.
The end.
Outro:
Before we cash the bowl tonight I wanted to congratulate friend of the show Thomas from “Thomas and the Bible” on reaching the 100 episode milestone. If you haven’t checked out his show yet you have to go ahead and do that and when you do, you’ll be happy to know that there are 99 archival episodes to keep you entertained.
I also wanted to remind everyone that I’m always looking for more Farnsworth quotes to open the show. I’ve got a few stockpiled, but I can never have enough so if you have a blog, a podcast or a convention you want to plug, check out the contact page on Scathing Atheist (dot) com and send me some Farnsworth.
Oh, and huge thanks to everybody who listens to the show on Stitcher. We actually cracked the top 10 in our category last week and it’s worth noting that they don’t have an “atheism” category. We’re top ten in all religion and inspirational shows over there so we’re competing with the likes of Joel O’Steen, Joyce Meyers and my archnemesis Creflo Dollar. So thanks again for making that happen and if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher yet, download the free app, check us out and help push us a little higher. After all, if Joel O’Steen’s prosperity gospel is correct and we succeed, that’s proof that god is an atheist.
I need to thank Lucinda for opening and closing the show this week, I need to thank Heath for all the stuff in the middle and, of course, I’ve gotta thank Remy G and yeah, I know that’s a repeat, but the last time we played his Farnsworth quote Facebook shut him down the next day. His Facebook page is back now and better than ever so I figured I should toss him a plug again now that it matters. So once again, the name of the Facebook Page is “Fuck your fucking god, you ignorant blinded dumb fuck” and that really says it all. If you don’t want to type all that shit into the searchbar but you still want to like his page, fear not, there’ll be a link on the shownotes for this episode.
https://www.facebook.com/nooneaboveu
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most intellectually sound arguments for the continued existence of our species; Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat. Vinnie, whose brilliance shines so brightly it can only be viewed by poking a hole in a piece of paper and then observing it’s shadow; Karen, whose strength of will is measured in horsepower per second squared; Laura, whose very name strikes fear in the hearts of pirates across the seven seas; Gregory, whose return was prophesied centuries ago by the great seers; April, whose praiseworthiness should really just be a weekly segment on this show; Emily, whose NSA transcripts inspired the Dos Equis ad campaign; Bryan, whose gravitas makes people rethink that long standing “no worldwide imperial dictators” rule; BCD, who kept beta through psi and only let god have those fringe letters and Cat who is a ninja-decimating genius with a giant penis and everything, but would much rather I spent this time wishing a happy belated birthday to his friend and friend of the show Bruce; so Bruce, happy birthday, may there be many more and I hope you celebrated with the traditional baby shaped atheist cake.
These nine noble, soulless individuals have improved the plight of impoverished peoples around the world this week by supporting a message of reason, secularism and fart jokes, also known as giving us money. Not everybody has the deeply forged passion for human excellence required to give us money, but if you think you share Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat’s commitment to hominid longevity, or just want to hear me make a joke about how many ninjas you can kill with your dick, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if that’s too much to ask, we humbly request that you take a few seconds to leave us a glowing review on iTunes, share our stuff wherever you can do that without getting stoned to death and telling your pastor about the show.
If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 37 Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final production due to time constraints.
Warning: This podcast contains language that would make the baby Jesus cry.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Terrorist Surplus Outlet, Jihobby-Lobby. Come on in to a branch near you for all your plastic explosive and multi-colored wire needs.
Mention this ad and get half off those big red digital countdown displays Hollywood directors seem to think people actually put on bombs.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s Halloween,
And it looks like a whole bunch of chickens had abortions last night.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from scantily clad New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
-
We’ll remind you in advance that deaf people can’t hear the jokes we make about them,
-
We’ll be one of six programs released today that don’t use any crappy halloween puns,
-
And we’ll delve elbow deep into the gayest book of the bible so far.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe
I really like to argue online. It’s a largely pointless guilty pleasure and I know that people who post Answers In Genesis inspired memes aren’t doing so in hopes of opening an earnest discussion about faith and philosophy, but I love to do it.
I should point out right up front that I’m talking about arguing, not debating. If somebody wants to have a genuine discussion about their beliefs that’s great, but I’m not your man. Debate is important and I believe that it’s a vital form of atheist outreach and I entrust it to people with more experience and patience than myself.
But when it comes to knock down, drag out, fuck you, no fuck you arguing… not to pat my own back or anything, but that’s kind of where I shine. I don’t think it serves much of a purpose, but damn it if I don’t enjoy the hell out of it.
So the other day I’m surfing through a number of atheism pages on Facebook looking for a troll to crush and I come upon one of the stupidest syllogisms ever offered in this or any other debate. As I marvelled at the stupidity it took to construct this heresy against reason I tried to catalog everything that made it wrong but it seemed like a formula would be needed… or a calculator and a three dimensional chart or something.
So here it is in all it’s stupid glory:
1. Any position which is unfalsifiable is unscientific
2. Atheism is unfalsifiable.
3. Therefore atheism is unscientific.
Where to start, right? So before we get to the reason I’m bringing this up, let me just take care of a few of the fatal flaws here. First of all, atheism isn’t a claim, it’s the rejection of a claim. Egg salad isn’t falsifiable and yet it exists. Atheism doesn’t make any claims, it just rejects really stupid ones with insufficient supporting evidence. So there’s that.
But the far more glaring error here is this inability of theist debaters to recognize the whole meaning of the term “falsifiability”. So let’s pretend for the moment that atheism is me saying “there definitely isn’t a god”. It’s not, but for the moment let’s pretend it is. If you substitute almost any other word for god, it becomes painfully obvious how incredibly “falsifiable” this statement is. “There definitely isn’t Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”
You see them make this same stupid mistake when they talk about evolution. Of course, you and I know all about rabbits in the Cambrian and what-not, but you’ll still hear these foaming-at-the-mouth intellectual bodyguards for Jesus claiming that evolution isn’t falsifiable.
The problem is a complete recognition of what science means about “falsifiability”. We’re talking about the intrinsic quality of falsifiability; theoretical falsifiability. They’re talking about the ability to prove it wrong. They’re actually saying, “Evolution isn’t scientific because I can’t prove it wrong.” They don’t seem to realize that the inability to falsify a theoretically falsifiable statement is the closest damn thing there can possibly be to proof that it is correct. They’re mistaking falsifiable with falsified.
Yes, you can’t falsify evolution… because it’s fucking correct! You can’t falsify atheism… because there’s no fucking god! People have been looking for that elusive bastard for tens of thousands of years at least and still not one shred of credible evidence has arisen to help them out. And yet they’re trying to act like this fatal flaw somehow bolsters their claim.
And as asinine as it seems to me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the people in the “invisible-man-in-another-dimension-whose-ways-are-too-mysterious-for-you-to-comprehend” camp are fuzzy on the concept of falsifiability.
Headlines
Joining me for Headlines tonight is racist satire aficionado, Heath Enwright. Heath, which do you prefer; Asians or whites?
I’m glad you asked . . . I’m going with Asians. I’m uncomfortable with anyone who has “Lee” in their name that isn’t Asian. Lee Iococca, Lee Harvey Oswald, Robert E. Lee … Nothing but trouble.
I don’t know if I agree with that. Ang Lee pisses me off and he’s Asian.
In our lead story tonight, the good old boy network that runs the lucrative South Carlonia Christian soup kitchen sector, continues to thwart the existence of secular morality by refusing to employ volunteer atheist ladlers. And in Onion Headline Form- French Onion Headline Form . . .
“Stewish Mafia Godfather Refuses Atheist Request, Even at Daughter’s Italian Wedding.”
Yeah, so they won’t allow atheists to ladle soup and then they fault them for not doing enough charity work. It’s like justifying an invasion because the country had weapons of mass destruction after spending decades selling them weapons of mass destruction. And you’d have to be an idiot to do that… or vote for somebody who had already done that.
Let’s get straight to it. Lightning Round. 15 seconds on the clock . . .
Religion Brand Soups, GO!
Jew-cumber soup?… no fuck, wait… that’s just Matzah ball soup.
“Schismed Pea with Ham” … or “Crock of Shit, Pee with Ham”
Well we can’t do beans and pasta because God Hates Fagioli…
Shark of the Covenant Fin
Cream of Altar Boy. (known to our Scottish listeners as “Cock-a-leekie”)
Maybe some atheist brands … Manhattan Scam Doubter … Nietzsche-Soise.
Maybe Bouillabaisse-ic logic?
Christianity: Bouillabaissed on a Jew story . . .
Not sure if this fits, but atheist stem cell researchers call their inputs “Egg Drop Soup”
And in “Did I mention I’m a Monday through Friday Adventist?” news tonight, Christian egotist and person whose name is too goofy for a character in Hunger Games Celestina Mba is suing for the right of all religious people to have days off when god tells them too.
Rabbis work every Saturday, and Priests work every Sunday. Religion’s entire corporate structure breaks that rule every week. What the fuck?!?
And yet she was fired from her job after refusing to work Sundays. After extreme poverty left her apparently unable to buy a vowel, Mba sued.
Not too many black women with MBA at the end of their name.
Ouch… The court ruled on the side of fucking off. Pointing out that fucking off was also against her religion, she appealed the verdict and now seeks to take it to a higher court.
Then she plans on suing the NFL for refusing to hire Christians. I hope they schedule all her court appearances on Sundays for secular spite.
Invoking the bafflingly common Christian mantra of “treating everyone the same discriminates against Christians”, an attorney working on Mba’s behalf points out that the courts allow people to wear religious bracelets and have religious haircuts, so how is that any different than this almost completely unrelated issue?
That’s literally part of their argument. If black people get corn rows, we get Sundays off.
Christian sues for right not to work on Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/24/christian-employee-seeks-appeal-for-refusing-to-work-on-sundays/
And from the “Ears In Heaven, Hell in Keller” file, Pat Robertson explains that being deaf is your mother’s fault, faith healing is like Santa Claus, and only God can heal people. Also, Pat Robertson can heal people.
And barring that, he can say shit that will make you not mind being deaf.
This particular tribute to religion and senility began when the mother of a deaf person asked why prayer wasn’t restoring function to the axons and dendrites in her son’s ears. Robertson – chief auditory neurologist of “The 700 Club” – explained that deaf people’s prayers tend to be badly enunciated. But if the speech-capable mother was praying too, she must be holding the wand wrong or something.
Or perhaps she hadn’t properly arranged the entrails before the bloody altar. Or maybe she forgot to click her heels together three times.
My first instinct tells me she forgot to rebuke the spirit of deafness. Robertson agreed, saying (quote) “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed and so I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” (end quote) You gotta really rebuke it nice and loud. She probably didn’t rebuke loud enough.
This animated cadaver is an endless pipeline of crazy. Every week it’s something even more insultingly stupid than the last. Now he’s claiming that not only can he heal deaf people with a magical incantation but that it has such a high success rate that he’s literally baffled that someone else is unable to do it. We’re talking about a Jesus-level miracle and he’s acting like she can’t reset the time on her phone.
He continued: “Listen up, deaf listeners. Faith healing is just like Santa Claus. He’s got a pack on his back and he has gifts and he’s passing these gifts out but they come from God. Only God can heal people … and also me. And if you really need those ears right away, there’s always a letter to the north pole, or a journey down the yellow brick road to see the wizard.”
Pat Robertson and Jesus could have cured Helen Keller: http://www.christianpost.com/news/pat-robertson-tells-mother-i-dont-know-what-youre-doing-wrong-he-can-cure-deafness-107454/
And in the Pubic Defender file tonight, I was ecstatic this week to find that the following headline and subsequent news item was not from a satire site, “British taxpayers foot three hundred and fifty thousand pound legal bill for Muslim Pubic hair battle”.
350,000 pounds – That’s a lot of pubes.
The story centers around a mentally disabled 30 year old woman and her parent’s two year battle to shave her pubes.
Well we Americans wasted a lot more money than that on our retarded bush problems.
Way better than my stab at ‘W’… well done. So apparently Muslim tradition requires that women shave their pubes, which shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows anything about Muhammad’s child-fucking proclivities. But since their severely handicapped daughter isn’t under their care and the person who is caring for her is a bit uncomfortable about the idea of two adults she doesn’t know making aesthetic changes to her genital region, they took it to court.
Isn’t this just a simple case of what man owns her?
Well we’ll never know because days before the scheduled hearing, after hundreds of thousands of dollars had been spent preparing for the case, the parents unexpectedly dropped the suit leading to one of the greatest understatements in legal history. Justice Roderic Wood who pointed out that (quote) “…there are many competing cases of equal if not greater urgency than this one.”
Yeah, there’s an Orthodox Jew with Tourette’s who wants to bleach her asshole.
Muslim parents sue for right to shave their retarded daughter’s pubes: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/10396170/Taxpayers-foot-350k-legal-bill-for-Muslim-pubic-hair-battle.html
And in “What’s the worst that could… How did we do an entire story about religious people and their pubes, without an Occam’s Razor joke?!?
We’re losing our… edge? Shit… I guess that lame joke is exhibit B.
And in “What’s the worst that could happen?” news, a twelve-year-old girl hanged herself to be with her dead father in heaven, only to find out she forgot to read the fine print about suicide, and now she’s either in hell, or just normal secular dead.
True story: Friend of the show Eli Bosnick posted this story on his Facebook wall and some Christian asshat comes back and says, “Well if somebody had told her suicide was a mortal sin, this never would have happened.” Yeah… that’s the metaphysical fuck up here. But Eli posed the right question. If you honestly think she’s in Heaven now, didn’t she do the right thing? And if you honestly think that your god would stick this little girl in hell, why would you praise him?
Every parent needs to know about an important principle. It’s bad to kill your child with lies … AND … it’s also bad to kill them with truths. Lacsap’s Wager tells us that even if you believe in the afterlife, you might as well teach your children about reality, just to be sure they don’t hang themselves. Decomposing in a box next to daddy, isn’t nearly as glamorous as the express escalator to heaven.
That kid is back on the escalator to heaven: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/27/to-be-with-her-father-in-heaven-girl-12-commits-suicide/
Man am I glad that story’s over. And finally tonight, in “We put the organ in organic” news, a website that doesn’t remotely seem like a credible news source is reporting that the Hasidic yeshiva of Gur has banned students from eating soy-based products, fearing soy might lead to gay sex.
Fossilized human remains in Asia show that people were using edamame as anal beads . . . Or possibly just eating edamame. Point being, Jew rules about gays aren’t an exact science. They kind of just spray at the wall and see what sticks.
Officials at the school warn that even one soy based product a week can lead to unwanted arousal, which goes a long way toward explaining Japanese porn. They warn that soy contains magical circle-jerk hormones.
Which is true, if graded on a Hasidic Rabbi bullshit curve.
Rabbi bans soy because it may cause gay sex: http://www.yourjewishnews.com/2013/10/n29787.html?m=1
That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.
All this nihilism is exhausting.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in wishing that god appreciated word economy.
Poem
I read One Samuel and the whole time I was thinking to myself, “hey, this should make for a pretty easy poem. It tells a linear story, it makes sense, there’s a cornucopia of characters, a lot of shit rhymes with Sam and Saul…”
So I guess that it shouldn’t have surprised me at all that somebody already wrote a perfectly good poem about this particular book of the bible and far be it from me to try to outdo a master of the poetic arts. So with apologies to the original author, I present to you… 1 Samuel:
I am Sam.
I am Sam.
Sam I am.
That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
Do you like the Philistines?
I do not like those Philistines,
For god has said they are unclean,
I want to do things really mean,
To every single Philistine.
Would you like them Here or there?
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I thought that god had made it clear,
We should take to them the sword and spear.
We should slaughter each one like a lamb,
Because I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.
Would you like them in a house?
We should burn them in their house,
We should plague them with a mouse.
We should kill each child and spouse,
And treat them like a pubic louse.
We should catch their sheep and goats,
Kill their herds and burn their boats,
We should do what god denotes,
And slit their motherfucking throats.
I do not give a tinker’s damn,
I just don’t like them, Sam-I-Am.
Would you like them in a box?
Well sure, as long as that thing locks.
Plague them with a burning pox,
Feed them to a hungry fox,
With their normal, human, uncut cocks.
Would you like them with a van?
Am I mincing words here, man?
I would not like them in a van.
I would not like them in a can.
I despise each member of their clan.
I would not like them in a house,
I would not like them with a mouse,
I would not like them with a fox,
I would not like them wearing socks,
I would not like them in the night,
I would not like them in the light,
In no death would I find more delight…
Except for those Amalekites.
Babble
By far the most interesting book so far in the bible, 1 Samuel employs things like wordplay, foreshadowing, story arch
…and gay sex…
in a way that has been lacking since the last few chapters of Genesis. And while the story is still horrible and largely immoral, it’s a much better read than the shit we’ve waded through to get here.
Yeah against all odds, they manage to limbo under the St. Louis Gateway Arch
So to help us break down yet another 66th of this book is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Hi ya!
Why don’t you start us off with… let’s say Chapter one.
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First we meet Hannah, whose husband Elkanah preferred her to his other wife even though his other wife had kids.
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Right. So she prays to god to have a son (because fuck daughters) and promises if god will grant her a son, she’ll give him to the priesthood. So basically she wanted all the fun of childbirth without tedium of having an offspring.
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So god does and she does and this kid is the titular Samuel.
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So little Sam ends up ministering with Phineas and Ferb, the sons of Eli..
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Phineas and Hophni
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That’s what I said. Anyway, these guys are really shitty priests that abuse their power and god’s only willing to overlook that shit for so long.
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At least one century in the case of Catholic pedophiles.
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I thought the first rabbi to start signing tits was Matisyahu, but apparently these guys had ethnic groupies way back. And what’s the point in running a tabernacle, if you can’t fuck the sluts that work the front door, right? Eli gets mad, and yells at his sons: “This isn’t a restaurant…You don’t fuck the barely legal hostesses. What did we just talk about?!?”
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–
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Then the Philistines show up and attack because that’s what Philistines do. The Jews get their asses kicked and they’re all like, “Hey, why you reckon god would have let them kick our asses like that?”
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So to find out they order that the Ark of the Covenant be brought to the battlefield so they could walkie-talkie heaven for help. But then the Philistines just say, “Hey, look, it’s a box with god in it. Kill them and take it.” And then do.
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Phineas and Ferb die in the battle and when Eli hears about that he says, “meh…” but then the messenger says, “Oh yeah, and they took Indiana Jones’ box, too” he freaks out, falls over and breaks his neck.
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And Phineas’ wife hears about everybody dying and the godbox going missing so she freaks out, shits out the kid she’d been baking and dies too.
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So they take the ark to Ashdod and put it in the temple next to a statue of their god; god decapitates the statue, gives them some cancer, you know, normal god stuff.
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And for seven months they keep taking it to this city or that one and every time they do everybody gets cancer or something and they move it again.
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Little did they know, the Jews switched the God-Box, for a box of weapons-grade plutonium they got from the Ralien Lizard-People during the redacted book after Leviticus, rumoured to be called Atomic Numbers.
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So the Philistines call up the Jews and say, “Here take your fucking box back already, this shit sucks.”
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But the Jews won’t just take it back and lift the curse or anything. They start going all “Knights that say Neek” on them and ask for… I shit you not… five golden mice and five golden tumors. TUMORS! They ask them to make molds of their tumors and cover them in gold or god won’t lift his curse.
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“And not too expensive, but the following items must be covered in gold. We want five gilded lillies- shit no that feels like a mistake. Five . . . mice . . . and five . . . malignant tumors this time, you cheaters.”
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Then they get the ark back and everyone rejoices.
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Then all the people show up begging Samuel to appoint a king. Because, you know, people are always wanting to be ruled over by tyrants.
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And Samuel tries to talk them out of it. “He’ll be a dick and he’ll take their cattle and their slaves and all their best stuff and he’ll march them out to die in battle for him.”
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And the people are like, “Yeah, that’s cool. We just really, really want a dictator, who will later control how history records this moment in time.”
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Now we meet Saul who is supremely qualified to be a king since he’s both tall and handsome.
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I’ve always said I’d rule the Jews well. I’m at least half qualified.
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So Saul is wandering around all of Israel looking for his dad’s donkeys when he runs into Samuel, who makes him king in full blown “Kung Fu Panda” style.
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The “King of Israel can’t find his ass with both hands” joke is too easy, huh?
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So Sammy boy announces Sauls king-ness and everybody says, “Well, sure… he’s tall.”
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This chapter gets pretty gay pretty fast. Starts out with Samuel pouring oil on Saul while they make out. Then Samuel tells Saul to go meet two men in a graveyard who will give up those asses he’s been searching for. Just say, “I’m Saul, and I’m here to trap that ass.” And then it ends with Saul’s disappointed dad saying, “What shall I do about my son?” … Just another gay in the life.
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And then chapter 10 closes off with a quick “Meanwhile” aside: Meanwhile, there was an evil Ammonite king that was gouging out the right eye of all the Reubenites and Gadites.
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Then the Ammonite king attacks Jabesh-Gilead and the people try to make peace with him and they say “Alright, evil king, what are your terms?” and he replies, “I want to poke all of your right eyes out. It’s kind of my thing.” So they think about it and say, “Give us a week.”
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And when Saul hears about this, he gets so pissed he hacks his oxen to death and then mails chunks of them around the country because, as we’ve seen before, chopped up bits of dead thing sent UPS is the best way to rally Jews.
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Some of the Jews must have got the package late though, right? Guy walks into the kitchen with his right eye in his hand: “Honey, did you forget to give me this decomposing hoof we got in the mail yesterday? Cause I thought we all agreed to the gouge plan, and here I can plainly half-see that you still have both your eyes. Kind of an important message.”
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So they defeat the Ammonite king that seems to have shown up for no reason but to give Saul an ass to kick.
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So here’s Chapter 12 in nine words: “Whose house? God’s house! Said whose house? God’s house!”
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So now Saul is feeling big-dicked so he says, fuck it, let’s wipe out all the Philistines, which would have been fine, but he fucked up some ritual animal slaughter minutia so god abandoned him.
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And just when you’re thinking, “Hey, this book isn’t too bad”, chapter 14 brings us more genocide and some divine retribution for honey eating.
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Yeah. It all starts when Saul’s son Jonathon and his gay lover provoke a war.
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But Saul curses anyone who eats that day and nobody tells Johnny, so he eats a drop of honey (off the spear he’s been killing people with) and for that he’s sentenced to (almost) die… Then the army feasts on sheep sushi.
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In chapter 15 god puts that whole “all-knowing” thing to rest once and for all when he starts regretting making Saul king.
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Right, and why does he regret it? Because when he tells Saul to wipe out all the Amalekites, he keeps a few of the cattle alive. And that’s the last straw dammit.
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No surprise that Saul isn’t exactly anxious to give back supreme authority so he tells Samuel to fuck off. Then god commands Samuel to go find David and anoint him king.
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So now Saul’s tormented by evil spirits and his servants say, “You know what helps with evil spirits? Lyre-playing. And you know who absolutely wails on a lyre? David.” Coincidence, or terrible literary foreshadowing?
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David could finger a liar better than Martha Stewart’s cell mate. Better than Lance Armstrong’s giving himself a steroid suppository. He could finger a liar better than a Jewish witness at the Nuremberg Trials.
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David goes to pluck Saul’s lyre and apparently he’s quite nimble indeed so Saul keeps him on to (ahem) carry his armor, wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more.
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Well if you mean “make David his gay sex slave that he would later share with his son and daughter”, then yes, I know exactly what you mean.
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Then we get David and Goliath, where, spoiler alert, David kills Goliath with a slingshot. And even though you know exactly what’s coming, it still manages to disappoint you. They spend 40 days throwing down epic biblical shit talk and then David pulls his pansy-assed Dennis the Menace coup de grace.
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Now Saul’s worried that David will take his job, so he makes him his right hand man, tries to spear him a couple times, sells him his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins and asks his son Jonathan to kill him.
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You always hear people using the phrase “back of dicks” rhetorically. But at some point this guy was very literally carrying a fairly sizable bag of dicks. Because David got cocky, and came back with two hundred foreskins. Probably grabbed entire dicks first, then did the individual brisses later.
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“This is only 199.” … “Those 2 are stuck together.”
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Meanwhile, David’s kicking ass left and right. His armies are whipping way more Philistine ass than anybody else’s so Saul gets even more jealous…
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Yeah they even wrote a song about how David was an order of magnitude better at genocide than Saul. Nobody likes to hear they’re less good at murdering other races, by such a large margin.
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So after the third or fourth time Saul tries to spear David, he says “You know, I think this guy who keeps lunging at me spear first is trying to kill me,” and he escapes.
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So he finds Samuel and they get together and cast some kind of frenetic nakedness spell so that anybody who tries to come to get David strips and falls into a “prophetic frenzy”… not sure what that means, but it sounds fun.
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In chapter 20 I’m pretty sure we confirm that David and Saul’s son Jonathan were gay lovers, just in case the butt sex scenes were ambiguous.
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So David finds a priest and asks him for some bread. He says he doesn’t have normal bread, but he does have a little magical abstinence bread.
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“Hello random Zelda apothecary, selling exactly the items I might need. Got any food for celibate fugitives, and maybe a mythical weapon, ideally formerly owned by my legendary vanquished nemesis? You have Honzo swords too? Wicked!”
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So David gathers an army of 400 malcontents and then Saul kills some priests.
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Chapter 23 is basically a montage episode. Saul continues to be an asshole, still trying to kill David for banging his son. Also, David bangs his son again.
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So David and his men are hiding in a cave. Saul and his men are closing in on them. Saul steps into a cave to take a shit and it just so happens to be the cave David and his men are in.
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Yeah, but David can’t bring himself to kill Saul because he loves him so much, so he just fires his gun in the air and goes “Argh!”… or the biblical equivalent thereof.
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What kind of crazy intense shit was he taking, that he didn’t notice another entire human being standing next to him, sawing off a square of his clothing?!?
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And then Samuel dies. There’s still 6 chapters and a whole other book named after this dude, and he doesn’t even have the decency to live through them.
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Then David sends his men to some rich dude to ask for bread. He tells them to fuck off so David has god kill him and then he takes the dude’s wife.
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…and another wife. Plus he already had a wife.
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And Saul makes a feeble attempt at spiting David: “You think you can fuck me, fuck my son, then buy my daughter for a bag of dicks? Well I sold her to another dude while you were gone, and I’m keeping the dicks as a security deposit.”
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And in 26 we learn that the authors liked chapter 24 so much that they did it again two chapters later… and in a field instead of a cave. And Saul was sleeping instead of shitting. But other than that it’s the same.
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Yeah, David’s supposed to be the protagonist here, but he’s making the mistakes of a Bond villain … or Daffy Duck. Shoot him now or wait till you get home?!? Always shoot him now! Otherwise chapter 27 happens, and that’s the last thing a Jewish guy wants to do.
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Chapter 27: David hides in Palestine for 16 months…
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Then the Philistines amass a huge army, Saul all like, “God, what do I do?” but God won’t answer or return his texts or anything.
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And then we get our first biblical seance, which, if I’m not mistaken and I probably am, is the first real mention of an afterlife in this whole book. Strange that it wouldn’t have been an emphasis to this point…
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Yeah, you knew Samuel was gonna Obi-Wan Kenobi his way back into the story.
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Right, so the ghost of Sammy boy shows up to tell Saul he’s fucked.
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Then you get some Typical bible stuff . . . Rape, plunder, evil Amalekites, village pillaged, so everyone’s pissed and starts yelling at David. He says, “Everybody shut up, I know what to do. Bring me . . . The Prayer Smock.” So he wears the ephod apron thing, and god tells him they’ll succeed in recovering their rape victims, and might even get some 50 shekel checks out of the whole ordeal.
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And in the proto-Empire Strikes Back ending, this book wraps up with Saul falling in battle along with all his heirs, the Israelite armies getting massacred and the promised land falling into enemy hands.
Damn do I hope 2 Samuel doesn’t have Ewoks.
Well I guess we’ll find out that and more on the next installment of “The Holy Babble”. Until then, thanks again Heath, Lucinda.
Outro
Before we put a lid on this thing tonight, I wanted to make a quick announcement that should be accompanied by a chorus of angelic trumpets, we did get the CafePress shop up and running this weekend. It’s a little messy in there but when I find some time this weekend we’ll be getting it organized. We’ve got the lovely scarlet A logo slapped on everything from Tshirts to iPhone covers to shot glasses to Christmas ornaments to bumper stickers so you can show your filthy monkey heritage with pride. We’ll be adding new products and t-shirt designs throughout the season so be on the look out for that.
You’ll find a link to our online shop on the homepage or you can cut out the middleman and go straight to “CafePress (dot) com (slash) scathingatheist”.
I also wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s calendar section. I mentioned the upcoming and stupendously awesome Skepticon but I said it was going to be in Springfield, Illinois. I fucked that up. It’s Springfield, Missouri, not Springfield Illinois… it’s also not Springfield, Florida or Springfield, Kentucky. Or Springfield, South Dakota. Or Springfield, Oregon, Tennessee, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio, Georgia, Massachusetts or Nebraska, all of which actually exist but aren’t the city where Skepticon 6 is going to be. It’ll be in Springfield, Missouri, so know your Springfields and sorry that I didn’t.
I also wanted to add a quick addition to last week’s calendar if you’re going to be in the San Antonio area on November 12th you can catch Executive Director of the Council for Secular Humanism Tom Flynn at an event sponsored by the San Antonio Coalition of Reason and the Freethought Association of Central Texas (great acronym, by the way). You’ll find links to the the event page on the shownotes for this episode.
Need to very quickly thank the many people who make this podcast possible every week. Huge thanks to Heath, Lucinda and, of course, Sam for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.
Oh, and a huge thanks to everybody who Tweeted (at) Ricky Gervais trying to get a Farnsworth quote out of him. No response yet, but keep up the good work. You’ll be rewarded for it in the no-afterlife.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most irreplaceable expressions of genetic code, Michael, Mike, Josh, Ryan and Matthew. Michael, whose blood is so pure mosquitoes cut it with baking soda; Mike, whose mind is so sharp it splits neutrinos; Josh, whose wisdom is so great that he reeled at the thought of splitting neutrinos; Ryan, whose penis is so massive it bends light and Matthew, whose confidence is so great he doesn’t need any of my over-the-top platitudes.
These five fine fellow freethinkers have gone above and beyond the high water mark of human decency this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the compassion, the integrity and the raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you can handle the enormous pressure such heroic acts often entail, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And you should really donate because we just found out our cat has diabetes and Lucinda’s pretty bummed about it and people giving her money makes her happy.
And unfortunately we’re out of time so I can’t remind you to give the show a 5 star review on iTunes, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on You-Tube, listen to us on Stitcher and tell your friends about us, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have time to tell you that stuff next week.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
The Scathing Atheist 