Episode 38 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains some portions edited from the completed episode due to time constraints
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language like shit and fuck.
Sponsor: Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new television network ESPN Jew; featuring hall of fame sportscasters Marv Albert, Chris Berman, Howard Cosell, Marty Glickman and Al Michaels, narrating an endless loop of Sandy Koufax highlights with occasional snippets of disgraced steroid-abusing Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun.
ESPN Jew, because seriously, it’s Koufax and Bears punter Adam Podlesh.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
It’s November 7th,
And Brandon Lee died because someone filled in the (blank).
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from post-Bloombergian New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
We’ll refresh you with some thinking-man’s abortion jokes.
The Jews will continue to have not murdered Jesus,
And we do an entire segment on Pennsylvania schools, without a single Sandusky joke.
But first, the diatribe.
Normally I do retractions at the end of the show, but this week we’ve got one I want to put right up front. The atheist blogosphere was abuzz all week last week with stories about a Polish girl who committed suicide to be with her father in heaven. It was all over social media all week complete with vigilant Jesus-defenders trying to theologically justify it.
Heath and I reported on it as well and the day that episode was released we immediately started seeing the retractions. It turns out the original story came from a tabloid paper and the more vigilant reporters were unable to confirm any of the details of the story. It almost certainly never happened.
But even before that news came out, there was a bit of internal conflict about running with this news item. Even when I didn’t doubt the veracity of the story, I was still hesitant to include it. Part of my resistance stems from the fact that I’m nowhere near as comfortable as my co-host with the prospect of making jokes about a suicidal elementary schooler, but part of it was simply the extreme nature of the story. I mean, it’s not like there was a rash of theologically inspired preteen suicides or anything. Even if this happened it was an extreme, isolated incident.
So when Heath brought up the story I originally objected to it. I explained my objection and he reasoned me out of them. And what’s more, the reasons that convinced me are still valid even if the story is bullshit.
This story was so appealing to atheists not because they believed that this was some inevitable consequence of religion, but because it offered a case study in one of the many theological pretzels that comes with the whole afterlife concept. Whether or not some little girl really killed herself to get to heaven, the questions that it prompted from atheists is no less valid.
As near as I can tell, this whole afterlife thing is the only real feature religion has left to sell. That and intermittent divine key-location. And as much as people seem to love the concept of an afterlife, it’s a sex-in-the-shower kind of thing; it sounds good until you start thinking about it.
The Facebook arguments bore this out. Most of them went like this:
The atheist would say, “Well if she got to be with her dad, wasn’t suicide the right choice?”
And the theist would counter with theological minutia; “No, because suicide is a mortal sin.”
To which the atheist would say, “So god sent the little girl to hell for eternity for missing her dad?”
To which the theist would change the subject, commit a gross logical fallacy or criticize the atheist’s spelling and/or punctuation.
Of course none of this matters because there was no little girl, there is no god and there is no heaven, but that doesn’t spackle over the logic gap at all.
Some of the debates were more utilitarian, of course. Some people argued for the value of simply believing in heaven whether it existed or not and thus avoided the delicate little-girl-roasting-in-hellfire problem by framing it as a question of proper theological education.
“If somebody told her that suicide was a mortal sin beforehand, she’d never have considered it.”
Okay, maybe that’s true, but how comforting is that to the little girl whose dad shot himself? What do you tell her? “Don’t worry, sweetheart, someday you’ll get bicurious and then you’ll get to burn in hell with him.”
I’m sick and tired of listening to people argue the merits of a belief in the afterlife. It’s an absurd concept no matter how you try to spin it and what’s more, it makes it harder to deal with the reality that dead people are just dead. That’s usually the hardest thing anyone will ever have to deal with so you’re probably better off trying to deal with it right away rather than cheese-clothing over it with fairy tales until it actually happens.
One way or the other, death is hard to deal with and like most things, rampant illogical bullshit doesn’t make it any easier. The cold comfort of thinking about grandma looking down from heaven dries up really quick when you’re lubing a dildo. And the cold comfort of your own immortality dries up when you think about a heaven run by some dude that has a perfectly good paradise elsewhere and put us here instead.
Joining me for headlines tonight is the third member of our two man triumvirate Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to virate?
Sure, why not? The ladies love things that virate.
In our lead story tonight, an Egyptian atheist was arrested this week for existing. According to a report from “Ahram Online”, a 20 year old student in the Suez city of Ismailia was arrested after allegedly starting an atheist group on Facebook.
I thought the CIA installed an Atheist Jewish government after causing Arab Spring.
Yeah, that’s what the NSA transcripts say, but apparently not. This would not mark the first time the Egyptian judicial system has responded to illegal use of emoticons. In December of last year atheist activist Alber Saber was sentenced to three years in jail for sharing a link to an online film critical of Islam.
They wanted him to post links to all the pro-Islam movies currently dominating world cinema?
Like… Obama’s home movies?
Anyway, in their continuing effort to make sure the days of the pharaohs remains the highpoint in Egyptian civilization, the nation boasts draconian blasphemy laws that make (quote) “offending religion in any form” punishable by as many as six years in prison or two years service against the legionnaires.
Egyptians arrested for starting atheist Facebook page: http://english.ahram.org.eg/NewsContent/1/64/84968/Egypt/Politics-/Egypt-security-investigates-student-for-forming-at.aspx
And from the “Saviors NOT Murdered By Jews” file … Jesus: the Jews did NOT murder Jesus. However, according to a 2013 survey, only 75% of Americans are willing to believe the Jewish alibi on this, which says (quote) “None of us are 2000-year-old former citizens of ancient Rome.” Strangely enough, the remaining 25% tend to be anti-Semitic, despite the fact that – as far as they know – the Jews killed Jesus for their sins. I think a modicum of gratitude is in order…
That’s a too often overlooked part of this thing. Sure, Jesus died for the sins, but everybody involved was playing a necessary role in god’s divine plan. Where’s the love for the guy who made the crown of thorns? Or the carpenter that put together the cross? After all, that cat o nine tails didn’t just clean the chunks of flesh out of itself.
Historians and other literate people point out that the Jewish people were slaves in Rome at the time of Jesus’s death, and generally slave populations had little control over government execution policy, as evidenced by the fact that Jewish slaves were getting executed all the time. Despite this, and several other instances of the Jews NOT murdering people, and one huge instance of the opposite, many Americans still carry anti-Semitic attitudes.
In preparation for this news story I made the mistake of typing “25% of Americans think…” into the Google search bar. Possibly the most depressing autocomplete you will ever see.
For example, about 25% believe (quote) “Jews still talk too much about what happened to them in the Holocaust.” (end quote) . . .
Six million little cases of murder and they’re bitching for a century… Jews.
Gotta figure lots of these anti-Semites are Bible Belters . . .
Do you really get a lot of 90-year-old German Jews jogging up next to you in rural Arkansas, you’re just trying to do some cardio, and they won’t stop blabbing on about surviving genocide?
“You working up a good sweat? I’m auschvitzing like a pig over here.”
“Shut up Saul- actually that’s pretty funny. You can say that because you’re Jewi- Look I don’t have time to make holocaust puns with you again!” …
Guess we should put 30 seconds on the cl-
We will not be putting 30 seconds on the clock for a holocaust pun segment. Moving on.
25% of Americans believe the Jews killed Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/jews-killed-jesus-adl-survey_n_4191568.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And from the “What’s the motto with you?” file tonight, a bill that would put the words “In God We Trust” in every public school in the state has passed through Pennsylvania’s Education committee, reminding atheists and secularists everywhere that rednecks don’t only live in the south.
Those rednecks do spread quickly. They fuck like rabbits. Like ignorant, incestuous rabbits.
Hell, some of them just fuck rabbits. Anyway, the bill’s sponsor and amputated-testicle joke on a tee Rick Saccone points out that the measure would promote patriotism by reminding school kids that America was founded by the same oppressively religious assholes they had in the rest of the world back then. Nine of the twenty three members of the committee opposed the bill on the grounds that would cost money and is stupid, but supporters point out that (quote) “them motherfuckers are a bunch of godless commies”.
Yeah it’s the lack of creationist visual aids that’s leading to all the rampant atheism. Kids don’t trust things unless they have lots of posters with vague, unexplained platitudes.
Saccone also points out that this will help draw attention to the little known fact that the red-scare inspired change in the nation’s motto wasn’t proposed by just any irrational, divisive, nugatory, reactionary, hysterical, twaddling tit… it was a Pennsylvanian one.
And speaking of propaganda mongers with semi-amputated testicles, Richard Sack-One, aka Dick Half-Sack, aka Only One Kenobi started his political career at the Ministry of Truth in Oceania during the mid-eighties.
Bill to put “In God We Trust” in every classroom passes PA Education committee: http://www.abc27.com/story/23782955/pa-house-gets-bill-to-post-in-god-we-trust-in-schools
And in “Found My Soul Mate” news: Area woman celebrates Halloween dressed as a bloodied Boston Marathon runner . . . According my research, and her twitter handle, I just need to look for (quote) “Some Skank in Michigan” named Alicia Ann Lynch.
As a native born Michigander I can tell you, we’ve got the best skanks.
She’s perfect for me, right? Female, 22, self-proclaimed skank … check check check. And she might just have the best cringe-worthy sense of humor ever. Close second place in the cringe-worthy humor contest goes to the accidentally hilarious Lisa in Dallas, who tried to angrily respond to Lynch by saying: (quote) “Wow. If she has kids, would she put them in bloodied Sandy Hook shirts?” (end quote)
Inadvertently giving Heath a reason to procreate.
Alicia Lynch (and/or Lisa in Dallas for that matter), I hereby offer to impregnate you, have those kids, and dress them up like Lisa suggests, just so we could take the most offensive and also hilarious family photo of all time. I’m not suggesting the events themselves are funny, but when combined with a holiday about death juxtaposed with children in costumes, I can’t avoid a chuckle. And hand on a Bible, most people in Boston would trade a minor explosion at the marathon for a Red Sox world series all day.
Isn’t it a little too soon for World Series jokes?
And in “Abstain-o-lantern” news tonight, a Christian assholes took it upon herself to ruin Halloween for some neighborhood kids when she chose to augment the traditional candy by stapling it to graphic anti-abortion propaganda.
Nothing goes together like halloween candy, staples, and dead kids.
While nothing would appetize an atheist like pictures of aborted fetuses, a number of the parents in the New Mexico neighborhood were shocked. The woman who handed out the dead baby menus defended her actions by reminding people that it’s okay to be a bitch as long as Jesus.
Okay, 30 seconds on the clock; Baby-based Halloween candies:
Fetus Pieces- no Sugar Baby Killers
Embryo Ruth Bars
And the miniatures are called Test Tube Baby Ruth?
Cadbury Ova? Cadbury Fertilized Eggs? Cadbury Egg Drop Soup – and if you weren’t listening last week, that’s describing candied euphemisms for abortion.
It’s not a candy, but you could have some infanti-cider to drink.
Ok nice, atheist beverages … Swiss Miscarriage Hot Chocolate
Christians give out graphic anti-abortion propaganda at Halloween: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/new-mexico-trick-or-treaters-given-graphic-anti-abortion-propaganda-with-candy/
In “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” news, several drunken rednecks went wandering in the woods at night with rifles, hoping to murder a mythical yeti. When they saw a what appeared to be a large, bearded human with a blaze orange jacket, they did what any former vice president would do, and shot him.
“What could that human shaped thing in the dark be, if not a bigfoot?”
Yeah, apparently they initially told the 911 dispatcher that he’d been gored by a unicorn in combat but when she expressed doubt, they were forced to tell the truth. They needed a replacement cryptozoological hair for the core of their magic wands.
I also love that the news report ends with the sentence, “It is not yet known if drugs or alcohol played any part in the accident.” For the sake of my faith in humanity, both drugs and alcohol better have played a fucking role in it.
Unfortunately this story does not have a happy ending. In what can only be described as a Darwin Award snub, the wounded sasquatch wrangler is expected to survive.
Man accidentally shot while “hunting bigfoot” with friends: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/three-men-arrested-after-accidental-shooting-during-bigfoot-hunt/
In “Them-merry-gentlemen-are-probably-fags-too” news tonight, greeting card behemoth and indefatigable generator of trivial holidays Hallmark is dodging accusations of homophobia this week after releasing a Christmas ornament that rewrites the lyrics to “Deck the Halls” to take out that offensive reference to assless chaps.
What happened? Did Hallmark find out that “Yuletide Carol” is the name of a trans-gender holiday-themed prostitute on my block? Oh no, obviously … It’s the line before that. It’s gonna say “Don we now our HOMOSEXUAL apparel” to be politically correct.
Close, but actually the sweater shaped ornament has, “Don we now our FUN apparel” written across it, but in Hallmark’s defense, it’s the gayest fucking sweater you can imagine so clearly they don’t hate the gays across the board.
Right and it’s only for the one holiday. It’s like how white people are allowed to use the N-word on Christmas morning. And then Christians are allowed to use homophobic slurs that afternoon. There’s a holiday hate schedule, and it generally works.
A representative for the company explained that the song dates back to the 1880s, way before gay meant having butt sex, adding (quote) “today it has multiple meanings, which we thought could leave out intent open to misinterpretation”. So apparently the representatives for Hallmark think that many of their customers have assumed this whole time that those carollers are singing about anal-beads and strapons.
Certain apparel – gay or straight – was really put in there to be removed.
Hallmark edits Deck the Hall to remove references to butt-sex: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/10/31/hallmark-nixes-gay-from-christmas-carol-on-ornament/
In “Hexa-kosioi-hexe-konta-hexa-phobia” news, the Christianity brainwash process caused a high school cross country runner to drop out of a race. The satanic cult that runs the Whitley County Kentucky school system, insisted that she wear Anti-Christ propaganda in the form of a bib with the # 666, also known as a Beelze-Bib.
Student and amateur biblical numerologist Gina Croley explained her decision by saying (quote), “I didn’t want to risk my relationship with god”
Helped the poor… check.
Kept my commandments… check.
Didn’t mix fibers… check.
Never randomly fell to number six hundred and sixty six in a numerical set… hold on a second!
When asked why she didn’t just flip it to 999, or pencil in a “point one” or a “negative sign”, her church spokesman I made up replied: (quote) “Satan’s not that stupid. And it’s not like this is arbitrary. We hate any homo-digital number that’s equal to the summation of the integers from 1 to the square of that digit.” (end quote) … Fun way to scare Christians away I guess: “Don’t make me add up the numbers on this roulette wheel. I’ll fucking do it. 1010011010 in binary!!! Stay back!!!”
Satan Almost Gets Soul at High School Cross Country Race: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/05/high-school-runner-drops-out-of-regional-race-after-being-assigned-number-666/
Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always for being a part of it.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to reluctantly say penises three times in a single sentence.
Welcome back to the Scathing Atheist home-shopping network, America’s number one source for Scathing Atheist logo merchandise. Heath, what’s our next item?
Next up is this lovely Scathing Atheist logo Men’s V-Neck T-Shirt. This 100% soft cotton tee is perfect for beaches, parks, outdoor sporting events… anywhere you normally wear clothes, really. And it’s available in five sizes so you can collect ‘em all!
Because having only clothes that fit you is narrow minded. Now, if I’m not mistaken this T-shirt has been scientifically proven to increase your balance, sexual stamina and white blood cell count, isn’t that right?
Yes, if you’re not mistaken, those things are true.
And how much are we selling these T-shirts for today, Heath?
That’s a great question because I’m sure our listeners have seen similar shirts in Fifth Avenue boutiques selling for hundreds if not millions of dollars, but we have a special indefinite-day-offer where our listeners can get them for one easy payment of only $23.99.
Obviously you misspoke, as the price you quoted is clearly less than a tenth of the value of this amazing upper body garment. I’m sure you didn’t mean “only $23.99”.
No, you heard me right. We’re practically giving these shirts away right now.
That price is far too low for me to believe anything you have to say about this T-shirt so let’s move on to our next item.
Sure. Next up we’ve got a rugged and durable hard plastic Scathing Atheist logo iPhone case with a polished finish.
I have to tell you, that’s so beautiful I’m erect. I’m literally having trouble not dry humping it at this very moment.
I have one inside me right now. This iPhone case has been clinically tested to improve weight loss, regrow hair, improve athletic performance, and nestle comfortably in your duodenum.
And how did those clinical tests come out?
They were brought to completion, as was I, via prostate.
Excellent. You know, that’s such an aesthetically pleasing iPhone case I couldn’t help myself and I bought three of them this morning. And I don’t even own an iPhone.
Well that’s not a problem. We also have them available for iPads, iPad minis, Galaxy phones, Kindles and more.
Yeah, but they don’t all have that beautiful Scathing Atheist logo design on the back do they?
Wow. That must cost at least $355.
Actually, believe it or not, these phone covers start as low as $20.39.
Holy shit! That’s under $20.40! I’m starting to doubt your integrity.
I get that a lot at these ridiculous prices.
So you’re telling me I can protect my phone from scratches…
AND I can proudly display my filthy monkey heritage at the same time?
I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true, but because of a once in a lifetime astronomical convergence, we’re able to offer these state of the art phone and tablet covers for a steal. Like many an eponymous retailer, we’ve gone crazy and started slashing prices!!!
Wow. Who’d have ever thought I could finish all my holiday shopping so quickly. But as amazing as that deal is, I see one problem with it.
What’s that, Noah?
Well, I can already hear listeners at home saying, “I really want that lovely iPhone cover, but I don’t want to cover an iPhone with it so much as I want to cover myself with it. And I don’t want it to be made of hard plastic so much as a poly/cotton blend. And I wish it had a hood.” It’s a shame we don’t have anything for those listeners.
Well how about this lovely Scathing Atheist logo pullover hoodie for only $41.99? Or this fitted ladies zipper hoodie for only $32.39?
But what if they don’t have a gym bag to put all this lovely Scathing Atheist logo merchandise in?
Well, I suppose they could add this Scathing Atheist logo water resistant, nylon gym bag to their shopping cart for only $16.19.
Is that the correct price or are you suffering from some rare form of mathematical insanity?
I know, I know, these prices are far too low to be accepted on faith, but you can verify them all by going to cafepress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and you’ll see that my mental faculties are still in working order.
Wow, I suppose I’ll have to log on to that website or check the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com for a handy link immediately.
So will everyone listening, I’m sure.
Well, assuming that all of our listeners are discerning shoppers with a keen sense of value. Oh, and weren’t you saying something about free shipping earlier?
No, I wasn’t.
“Run gather the young ‘uns, folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!”
Gather round boys and girls, today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the most important women in the whole bible. She was so important that the whole nation of Israel went to war over her and all she had to do was get raped to death and dismembered.
We don’t know her name, but we’ll call her Terry. She was a concubine, which is kind of like a combination between a wife and a slave, and one day the man that owned her made her mad so she went home to her parents. After a few months of trying unsuccessfully to lick his own balls, he decided to go get her, because after all, he did own her.
So he went and got her but on the way back to his house they found themselves in a town called Gibeah. They’d never been there before, it was getting dark and they didn’t have anywhere to sleep so they were really scared. But luckily a nice old man came across them and let them stay at his house.
He gave them food and something to drink, but right before they were about to put on their pajamas, there was a knock on the door.
“Who is it?” the old man asked.
A voice on the other side of the door answered, “A violent rape gang”
Now suddenly everyone got very scared because violent rape gangs like to force their penises into places where you’d rather not have penises and nobody in the house wanted any penises in them.
“What do you want?” the old man asked.
And the violent rape gang answered back, “You brought some man into your house tonight. Send him outside so that we may know him.”
And when they said, “know him”, they meant “fuck him”, and when I say “fuck him”, I mean forcibly penetrate his rectum with their engorged, throbbing cocks. And when I say rectum, I mean butthole.
But the man inside didn’t want to have his butthole forcibly penetrated so he turned to the old man and asked what they could do.
“I don’t know”, the old man said, “They’re not going to go away until they have somebody to violently rape.”
And the man gave a big sigh of relief. He was afraid he would have to be raped, but luckily he had Terri there to get raped for him. So he and the old man pushed her out the door and the violent rape gang went to work violently gang raping her. And that was very rude because the sounds of her being brutally violated to death made it really hard for the other two men to sleep.
Eventually the gang got bored and stopped raping her, so she tried to crawl back to the house, but her intervaginal hemmoraging was too severe so she only made it to the porch before she died.
The next morning her husband (slash) owner got up and rubbed his eyes, ready to finish his journey home. He thanked the old man and then went outside to get his fuck-slave. He saw her laying on the porch and thought that she must be really lazy to still be asleep so late in the morning, so he kicked her a few times to wake her up.
And when he realized she was actually dead, he was extremely annoyed. How was he supposed to fuck her now? So he did the logical thing, he chopped her into little pieces and mailed the bleeding hunks of her body all over the nation so that people could see how mean the people in Gibeah were.
So all the people in Israel decided to end the violence by massacring all the men, women and children that lived in Gibeah, even the ones that didn’t have anything to do with gang-raping Terri.
And pretty much nobody lived happily ever after.
Before we cash the bowl tonight I wanted to congratulate friend of the show Thomas from “Thomas and the Bible” on reaching the 100 episode milestone. If you haven’t checked out his show yet you have to go ahead and do that and when you do, you’ll be happy to know that there are 99 archival episodes to keep you entertained.
I also wanted to remind everyone that I’m always looking for more Farnsworth quotes to open the show. I’ve got a few stockpiled, but I can never have enough so if you have a blog, a podcast or a convention you want to plug, check out the contact page on Scathing Atheist (dot) com and send me some Farnsworth.
Oh, and huge thanks to everybody who listens to the show on Stitcher. We actually cracked the top 10 in our category last week and it’s worth noting that they don’t have an “atheism” category. We’re top ten in all religion and inspirational shows over there so we’re competing with the likes of Joel O’Steen, Joyce Meyers and my archnemesis Creflo Dollar. So thanks again for making that happen and if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher yet, download the free app, check us out and help push us a little higher. After all, if Joel O’Steen’s prosperity gospel is correct and we succeed, that’s proof that god is an atheist.
I need to thank Lucinda for opening and closing the show this week, I need to thank Heath for all the stuff in the middle and, of course, I’ve gotta thank Remy G and yeah, I know that’s a repeat, but the last time we played his Farnsworth quote Facebook shut him down the next day. His Facebook page is back now and better than ever so I figured I should toss him a plug again now that it matters. So once again, the name of the Facebook Page is “Fuck your fucking god, you ignorant blinded dumb fuck” and that really says it all. If you don’t want to type all that shit into the searchbar but you still want to like his page, fear not, there’ll be a link on the shownotes for this episode.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most intellectually sound arguments for the continued existence of our species; Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat. Vinnie, whose brilliance shines so brightly it can only be viewed by poking a hole in a piece of paper and then observing it’s shadow; Karen, whose strength of will is measured in horsepower per second squared; Laura, whose very name strikes fear in the hearts of pirates across the seven seas; Gregory, whose return was prophesied centuries ago by the great seers; April, whose praiseworthiness should really just be a weekly segment on this show; Emily, whose NSA transcripts inspired the Dos Equis ad campaign; Bryan, whose gravitas makes people rethink that long standing “no worldwide imperial dictators” rule; BCD, who kept beta through psi and only let god have those fringe letters and Cat who is a ninja-decimating genius with a giant penis and everything, but would much rather I spent this time wishing a happy belated birthday to his friend and friend of the show Bruce; so Bruce, happy birthday, may there be many more and I hope you celebrated with the traditional baby shaped atheist cake.
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If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.