Episode 68 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)
Warning: Eli’s on this episode so you might want to pee before you listen.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Christian Mingle (dot) com, because as far as we can tell, there’s no law against advertising for a company against their will. So try Christian Mingle (dot) com, because when I say “Fuck Christians”, it’s not always metaphorical.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s June 5th,
And there’s no such thing as “well done but juicy”.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright. And from “Ballgame over! Yankees win!” New York, New York,
And “Rebels Trail at Halftime” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
- We’ll wonder why Easter candy is being sold in Malaysia,
- We’ll learn that Hitler’s not as bad when you compare him to god,
- And Eli Bosnick will join us to discuss that guy who hosted Later With Greg Kinnear.
But first, the diatribe…
Ever since I moved to Georgia, I’ve been looking forward to the missionaries. I could hit the nearest church to my house with a frisbee and the next nearest with about a 3 wood. I see roving bands of Jesus proxies everywhere I go in this town so I knew it was only a matter of time.
And when it finally came it was like a perfect storm of anger and rage. It should have been a thing of beauty. After the surgery, my wife was up and down and tossing and turning so I slept on the couch for the first couple of post-op weeks and it’s pretty okay for a couch but it’s still a couch.
Right about that time the AC goes out in my house. So, of course, we get highs in the mid-nineties the whole time. And for our international listeners, ninety five fahrenheit is three hundred and eight point one five Kelvin. So it’s fucking hot.
Anyway, I wake up in the morning to a knock on the door that I hope is the repairman but instead it’s a couple of used afterlife salesman. I’m wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts and a sheen of sweat, the perspiration in my hair has congealed into this reverse pillow mold and at that point I’d have been pissed if it was the Publisher’s Clearing House guys unless one of them had a background in AC repair.
All the ingredients were there for an epic, heartless, misanthropic beat down, but there was one problem. The missionaries in question were three girls, ranging in age from fourteen down to nine. The eldest is muttering something about an island and a boat and she’s clearly forgetting the last half of her sales pitch midway through the first half, so after a bit of stammering she asks me if I’ve made room in my life for Jesus.
So I consider it for a second and I say, “I liked some of his early stuff.”
This clearly wasn’t in their flowchart so it earned me a few seconds of blank stares and I added, “but once he got into that ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ phase, I tuned out.”
And apparently preteen Baptist girls don’t watch Reservoir Dogs because it clearly didn’t ring a bell. But undeterred, Jesus’s groupies went on to the next line, which was something about some dead carpenter or another. But I was done making fun of them and it was too hot to try to explain the concept of “incorrect” at that point so I told them I had important Messiahs to ignore but they were free to come back some other time.
It’s hard for me to imagine how that was supposed to go in their minds. Do groups of socially awkward teenie-boppers have high conversion rates? Are they concerned that somebody in town missed the church signs and giant crosses and “Christian Owned Business” stickers and bible verses and Christian book stores and yard signs and the bumper stickers and t-shirts and the eleven religious channels on basic cable and hadn’t heard the news about his sins having been died for? Did the preacher think to himself, “If anything will subdue the skepticism of the wayward masses, it’s the wisdom of One Direction fans?” And did mom and dad think to themselves, “What a great time to send the girls out unsupervised to the homes of middle aged men that we’ve never met! I know it’s ninety five degree out, but it’s a wet heat.”
But, of course, I know that they know they’re not gonna convert me. I’m just a prop in this game. The preacher didn’t send them out to spread their faith, he sent them out to strengthen it. It’s all about cramming as much Jesus as he can into every nook and cranny of their lives. I’m a vaccine against all the people that might challenge their beliefs later in life. I’m an unwitting pawn in their indoctrination.
Nothing betrays the depravity of religious leaders like their willingness to exploit children, and I’m not just talking about the ones that molest them. I just don’t see how anyone can resolve this in their own heads. How can you believe that teaching kids that there really are monsters under their beds is anything but unconscionable?
Joining me for headlines tonight is treif enthusiast, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to scare some swine-o-phobes?
So here’s what I’ve been doing … I carry a strip of bacon with me everywhere I go in New York City, and touch every surface I can. That includes every straw in every restaurant if possible. So if pig molecules irrationally frighten you, don’t come to New York any more.
In our lead story tonight, a Utah high school has taken decisive action against inappropriate shoulder-inspired erections this week by photoshopping modesty onto the floozies in their yearbook. Officials at “Watch Snatch” high school in South-Central Heber City, Utah enraged a number of their female students by adding sleeves to tank tops and camisoles to the pre-cleavage chest area.
I can understand where these girls are coming from. You’ve gotta look good when you’re 16-years-old, and have eight other younger wives to compete with.
Though they stopped short of going full hijab on these chicks, several of the students were outraged by the changes. To their credit, the school later apologized for not altering more of the photos! When this was brought to their attention, they were devastated by the fact that some of those little harlots got away with showing bare necks on their yearbook pictures after all.
Blasphemy!!! Might as well be the “Clavicle Fetish” section of a porn site!!!
I think it’s worth noting… and this is coming from a guy that grew up in the scrambled-porn whacking era… I can assure these school officials that no amount of digital remastery is gonna slow down a teenage boy looking to rub one out.
Yeah porn on dial-up was rough, but we certainly still made it work. The girl would show up in small horizontal bars, about once a minute, so by the time it got down to the upper shoulders, it was usually too late. I’d finally see some snatch while I was cleaning up.
“And we liked it!”
Utah High School modifies girl’s yearbook pics to look more modest: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/05/28/utah-high-schoolers-furious-over-selective-alteration-of-girls-yearbook-photos/
And from the “Still in Denial” file, Life Savers Ministries of Alabama recently put up – and then immediately had to take down in public embarrassment – a billboard in Auburn with the following two quotes … #1: “He alone, who owns the youth, owns the future.” … And #2: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” … These particular brainwashing tips were taken from two sources: Proverbs 22:6 and … wait for it … Adolph Hitler.
And it’s not like they just didn’t know who said that. They actually had the attribution on the billboard! It was written in red and it was bigger than the biblical attribution so there was no possible way you could drive by and not realize you were getting parenting advice from Hitler.
So let’s set aside the Holocaust thing … Who even knows whether- … Just ignore that for a moment … The message of the billboard is insane. First of all, it admits that Hitler and God use the same recruiting strategy. Not a selling point. And it also suggests that brainwashing people from birth to be religious zealots hasn’t lead to nearly every single genocide campaign in human history. Which it clearly has.
You’d think at least the ad company would have said something. The guy designing the thing? “Hey guys… I know it’s your ad and everything, but are you sure you want to associate yourself with the Nazis? I mean, I agree that at least it’s an ethos and all…”
So yes … Somehow, nobody foresaw any negative reaction to the name “Adolph Hitler” printed in huge letters, on an enormous highway poster. Turns out several people in Alabama know someone that’s seen a Jew, and they were – of course – mildly offended on their behalf.
“I seen me a jew once! Had one a ‘em little hats and everthang.”
Following the very subtle public outcry, Ministry founder James Anderegg admitted that – in retrospect – it might have been better to use a Herbert Hoover quote instead. Which clearly betrays his knowledge of “Anyone But Hitler”, and really only makes it worse.
“But Hitler’s mom let’s him do it”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/03/christian-ministry-quotes-adolf-hitler-on-billboard-not-realizing-thats-a-bad-idea
And in “Don’t try this at home” news tonight, we have a fucked up story about a crazy person murdering a kid. Raging psychotic Kimberly Lee Lucas, after being told repeatedly by the sane people around her that Abraham was commendable for the whole “willingness to murder his kid for god” thing, decided to emulate this biblical hero. And it turns out that, no, killing children on the command of the voices in your head isn’t all the bible makes it out to be.
“Yeah I stabbed my 2-year-old with a knife. But I didn’t think it would work!!!” … Where are the censors now? At least Grand Theft Auto has you murdering hookers, not your own child. And by the way, the Bible also has you murdering hookers, just for the record.
Now, we generally try to avoid stories about baby murder and crazy people on this show because by and large you can’t blame religion for its adherents being mentally ill… and baby murder jokes stop being funny if you’re talking about actual murdered babies. But when you are arm crazy people with stories that glorify attempted infanticide you have to accept at least some of the blame.
Yeah to be fair, I’d say the blame is spread out evenly, across all the holy books that glorify attempted infanticide.
Now let me stave off a few emails right now by making it clear that I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to buy bibles or that all bibles should be banned. I’m just endorsing waiting periods and background checks. And maybe we should rethink our policies on assault bibles.
Woman kills child while reinacting Abraham and Isaac story: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/05/30/inspired-by-abraham-and-isaac-bible-story-woman-murders-two-year-old-girl-in-religious-test-god-didnt-stop-me/
And from the biggest file we have … Reverend Terence McAlinden – while employed as a youth group leader at the Diocese of Trenton in the 1980’s – sexually assaulted Chris Naples numerous times during church-sanctioned trips. Naples has filed suit, but according to the diocese lawyer, the church is not responsible because the rapist was technically “off the clock” during those particular incidents.
Yeah, well in their defense, the Catholic Church has had a long standing “Who you fuck on your own time is none of our business” policy, haven’t they?
Indeed they have … The ‘off duty’ excuse prompted one of the justices to ask: “How do we determine when a priest IS and IS NOT on duty?” … The defense lawyer replied: “You can determine a priest is not on duty when he is [abusing] a child, for example” … So they have a Pedophile Scotsman Policy. “Clock out if your cock’s out.”
I feel the need to point out that that was a real quote. The lawyer really said that. He wasn’t a priest at that time because, by definition, priests don’t have their dicks in kids. He was a priest between thrusts, sure…
Running out of clever titles for pedophile stories: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/03/church-deflects-blame-for-pedophile-priest-by-arguing-that-he-was-not-on-duty
And in “Spiritual Death by Chocolate” news tonight, several raging Muslim lunatics are left with creme egg on their faces this week when it turned out their fatwa against a candy bar may have been premature. The story began last month when the Malaysian Ministry of Health demanded a recall that led to a fatwa against Cadbury. At first I thought it was inspired by the fact that there’s no logical place to start eating those fucking creme eggs without splurting sugar sperm all over your chin, in which case I’d have been behind it entirely, but it turns out it was actually prompted by the detection of a few molecules of pork.
What I like to do for breakfast, is break two or three creme eggs over bacon and toast. That way you can wipe up the sugar sperm with the extra toast.
Every sperm is sacred… Now, I know it’s hard to imagine Muslims getting the science wrong, but it turns out they didn’t adequately control for contamination. Upon rectifying that oversight, the tests came back negative. So yes, Malaysia is safe from spiritually deficient demon swine once again. Now maybe the country that ranks between Libya and Syria on the human development index can move on to removing the piss from the tap water.
Or maybe they can spend a few days finding that fucking airplane!!! It’s not as if it’s a tiny packet of fucking peanuts.
These new data have done little to slow down boycotts and demonstrations against the company. When asked if the new findings were enough to exonerate the chocolatier, a spokesman for the Association of Islamic Consumers said (quote), “If we were the kind of people that changed our positions because of evidence, we wouldn’t be religious.”
Fatwa issued against Cadbury chocolate: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/02/cadbury-malaysia-pork-halal_n_5432136.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And finally tonight, in “Have Your Cock and Eat it too” news, the Colorado Civil Rights Commission has ruled that Jack Phillips – owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop – must stop discriminating against gay people by refusing to make wedding cakes for same-sex marriages. Incidentally, such marriages don’t technically exist in Colorado yet, despite their very liberal stance on what can and can’t be put into baked goods. And just to be clear, they draw the line after marijuana, but before a second cock. Jason Biggs would have been safe.
I bet he never thought fucking that pie would be the high point of his career.
Dude wouldn’t have lasted a day on The Creek … So let’s recap: Phillips puts flower-shaped dollops of pink icing on cakes for a living, but refuses to be involved with gay stuff in any way whatsoever. Sounds like the demand for homosexual food service isn’t being met in Colorado … So let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for a Gay Catering Business” … GO!!!
Circle Jerked Chicken
“Pie a la Mo”
Adam’s Apple Upside Down Cake? Made with fresh tranny apples?
Don’t mix up the tops and bottoms … What about: “Five Guys Sharing Ass…Burgers and Fries”?
I think you could have just stopped at “Five Guys”… how about “Squeals on Wheels: All the pillow you can bite for one low price”
Tossed Fruit Salad … Some people prefer jelly … Most likely “Felch’s Grape”
I only like it with Peanut Bugger.
Like those gay cream pies … What are they called? … FlufferNutters in the Butter
How about Santorum-balls?
Man on Manchester Tart??? … Queer-a-misu???
A little “Queef Brisket” for the Lesbian menu
BrownEye Rounds: Donut-Shaped Fudge-Packed Brownies
Chubway Footlongs? Or you can get the really big ones and circumcise a little bit at a time.
“Epstein’s Barbecue: Smokin’ Pole Food”
“Rusty Trombone Appetit”
“Two Guys, One Cupcake”
If I’m not mistaken, two girl-one cup references are to our headlines as fat ladies are to operas, so I guess that does it for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will be here to discuss the new film “Little Mister Monkeyshines”
Before we abdicate the throne tonight I wanted to let everyone know we’re getting damn close to our five hundred dollar an episode Patreon goal. For those who don’t know, when we hit $500 we’re gonna make a go at doubling the length of the show so if you want more us, we’re only about thirty three bucks shy now, you can get us closer by visiting Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and making a per episode donation.
Also want to remind everybody that I was on the most recent episode of The Imaginary Friends Show podcast, that’s episode one eighty two of Jake’s fine show, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for this episode. Had a blast with Pete Darwin and Ross from the Skeptically Challenged Podcast, and you’re invited to listen to that blast at your convenience.
I also wanted to remind everyone that every time somebody buys a copy of “Diatribes, Volume One: Fifty Essays from a Godless Misanthrope”, an angel gets his wings… and then gets them thumbtacked to a cork board for a fourth grade science project. You’ll find links to buy both the ebook and the paperback at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Can’t shut it down without thanking Heath for boldly going where no abortion joke has gone before; I need to thank Lucinda for inexplicably failing to divorce me by now, I want to thank Paul from the Quranify Me podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote… and if you haven’t checked out his show yet, be sure to check the shownotes for a handy link.
But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most interesting persons of interest, Dave, Wayne, Derrick, Andrew, David, Mark, Allen, Matthew, Richard, Michael, Z and other Michael. Dave, Wayne and Derrick, whose strength would be the standard unit of measurement horses would use if horses built cars; Andrew, David and Mark, whose erections are engorged with enough blood to feed a family of vampires on Thanksgiving; Allen, Matthew and Richard, whose cocks are so big even Galactus just works the tip; and Michael, Z and other Michael, whose names god calls out when he comes.
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If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.