Posts Tagged ‘agnostic podcast’

Episode 137 – Shownotes

October 1, 2015 2 comments

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Click Here to learn more about the Central New York Humanist’s screening of Chris Johnson’s A Better Life in Syracuse, October 18th.


Over 700 killed in Hajj stampede:

Congressman steals pope’s glass because it’s magical

Pastor Manning completely loses his shit at a bunch of protestors:

Ecuador’s Got Talent host bitches at 16 year old contestant for being an atheist:

Fat guy in a red hat gets schooled on national television:

Trump suggests law requiring stores to say “Merry Christmas”

Oath keepers vow to protect Jesus sign

ISIS terrorized Sylvanian family banned from free speech exhibit:


Dumbass pastor: Christian women are just prettier:

MRA asshats start “No Hymen No Diamond” campaign:

Women’s groups urge Pope to end misogyny: and Pope urges women to remain with sexist church despite sexism:

Episode 133 – Show Notes

September 3, 2015 3 comments

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Click Here to check out Ryan Bell’s new podcast, Life After God

Click Here to check out Ryan’s blog, A Year Without God

Click Here to learn more about Dan Barker’s visit to Red Bank

Click Here to check out the Godless Rebelution podcast


Man who gunned down journalist said Jehovah told him to do it; not reported as Christian terrorism

Oldest Koran might predate Muhammad:

Canadian bus driver would rather quit than drive fag bus:

Hebrew welcome sign reported as an “Islamic terror threat”

Curt Schilling compares Muslims to Nazis, finds thing that will get him suspended by ESPN

Judge says ten commandments display is illegal, sure, but that doesn’t mean they have to take it down:

Blossom complains that religion isn’t ‘trendy’ in Hollywood


Insanely disgusting story:

Priest gets time for groping sleeping woman on airplane

Episode 126 – Show Notes

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Guest Links:

Click Here to Check out the Naked Mormonism Podcast

Nick’s YouTube Channel

Nick’s Twitter

Nick’s Facebook Page

Click Here to Check out the Imaginary Friends Show

Click Here to Check out the Traphagen’s Takeout Orders Podcast

Headline Links:

OK governor refuses to remove 10 Commandments monument:

Pope gets communist cross from Bolivian president:

Pope apologizes for atrocities:

Excellent Pope Quote: “Unbridled capitalism is the dung of the devil”

Ray Comfort doesn’t like his reviews:

Puerto Rican police setup roadblock to evangelize:

Michael Savage thinks transgender rights part of plan to eliminate males from population:

Josef Wesolowski trial delayed due to sniffles:

Tom DeLay on “secret legislation memo” to legalize 12 new perversions besides gay marriage:

This Week in Misogyny:

Rubio promises to oppress women globally if elected:

Anti-abortionist warns god will punish us with mildly inconvenient weather:

Christian “feminist expert” on why Jesus loves marital rape:

Episode 119 Show Notes:

May 28, 2015 3 comments

Okay, so I’ll be adding the full blown shownotes before the day is over, but I stayed up until dawn getting the episode together and must sleep.  Wanted to make sure the most important stuff was up when the episode dropped, though.

So if you’d like to support Don’s ride to raise money for his local food bank; click here.

And if you get the episode link from the show notes, click here.

All the other stuff will come in time…

Episode 95 Shownotes

December 11, 2014 2 comments

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Click Here to check out Adam Reakes’ Herd Mentality Podcast

Click Here for more information on the Jan. 11th Susan Jacoby talk in Red Bank, NJ



Steve Anderson (the white David Manning) calls for gay genocide to deal with AIDS problem:


Follow-Up to Steve Anderson — Lumps of coal for suggesting gay genocide:

Judge dismisses suit that alleges teaching evolution is religious promotion of atheism

Todd Starnes calls out Disney (incorrectly):

Bill Donahue: “Them Atheists Are Insane!”

Bollywood star sentenced to quarter century in prison for blasphemy

Westboro gets pranked:

Bigoted atheists like Obama and his “secular government” caused Ferguson problem:

HBO employs about 160 lawyers for doc about Scientology

Michigan passes “discriminate, but only if you’re really religious” bill:

Vatican finds shitload of money:

Ugandan Parliament speaker: “Foreigners who adopt our kids will make them gay”



Blogger says hitting your girlfriend is sign you love her:

Janay Rice: “Elevator KO was god’s plan”

The problem with rape is women talking about it:


The number you should call if you are worried about giant radioactive turkeys is definitely not (785) 273-0325.

Episode 85 – Show Notes

October 2, 2014 2 comments

General Links:

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Guest Links:

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Calendar Links:

Free-Flo in Orlando:

Sacramento Freethought Day:

Skeptics of Oz in Wichita:

37th Annual FFRF National Convention in LA:

Headlines Links:

Dear Africa, please stop tonguing ebola-stricken corpses:

Muslim NFL player penalized for praying:

British Couple removed for anti-Muslim bigotry for singing a song about pigs to their kid:

Josef Wesolowski Under House Arrest (Wasn’t he already?):

LaBarbera feels like a Jew in Nazi Germany:

Muslims: If you’re gonna give us free shit, it better not have pork in it!

Minister who ran Canada’s largest Protestant church is an atheist:

Gun control helping ISIS:

Huckabee calls for the termination of any atheists working for the government:

Catholics pissed about Mother Mary Barbie:

Greek eatery in Mississippi serves “Jewish Salad”, kicks out rabbi for questioning it:

This Week in Misogyny:

Israeli plane delayed 11 hours because Jews don’t want to sit next to women:

“Chained” Jewish women turn to social media for divorces (instead of just not being Jewish)

Female UEA pilot described by Fox News host as “boobs on the ground”


Episode 73 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints.

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CLICK HERE to find out if Professor Stephen from Atheists On Air is as funny as I said he was.


Warning: We use the F word all the fucking time.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Holy Land Rover: Religious Car Emporium of the Gaza Strip.

Looking for a vehicle to heaven?  Well we’ve got the next best thing … A vehicle that literally prevents you from going to Hell …

Our Volkswagen Shomer Shab Bus models lockdown on Saturday, and our Islamborghini line has a Y-chromosome ignition system, so bitches can’t even ask.

Holy Land Rover: The first name in Kosher and Hal-All Terrain Vehicles

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s July 10th

And yes, if I’m way more intelligent than you … I’m probably right, and you’re probably wrong.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from foreign terrorists’ favorite target, New York, New York,

And the domestic terrorists shopping at Target, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • An Alabama church’s inbreeder reactor reaches critical mass,
  • We’ll get to the part of the bible your grandma masturbates to,
  • And we’ll discuss how gay shoes affected this year’s World Cup,

But first, the diatribe.



Two weeks ago, I had all these unhatched chickens.  I was gonna blanche ‘em, season ‘em, fry ‘em… slather a little buffalo sauce on their wings… it was gonna be awesome.

And now I’m moping over some improvised scrambled eggs.  And I’ll tell you why; like a lot of people, I’ve been looking at the numbers.  Year after year I watch the polls roll in and year after year they look ever more promising.  So I’m extrapolating.  I’m reading the trend lines.  And when you do that, you look ahead fifty years or so, and it seems like we could damn near win this fight in my lifetime.

I see articles about how religion could disappear entirely from places like New Zealand and Ireland in that time.  I hear my fellow podcasters speculating on the idea that an atheist podcast might be unnecessary in another couple decades… and not just because we’ll have brain-downloadable halo-casts by then.  But because there’ll be nobody left to fight.  We’ll be like Alexander crying like a bitch over the lack of massacrable mermen in the Indian Ocean.

And their logic is sound, right?  If you look at the demographic trends and you do some basic math, it looks like we’re kicking ass.  Sure, we’re still outnumbered fifty to one worldwide and about forty to one in the US, but we’re winning.  All the evidence is on our side, academia is on our side, religion’s collective PR team has a gatling gun trained on it’s own foot and the numbers are swinging our way at a pretty outstanding clip.

Those are some damn healthy looking eggs.  But they’re not chickens.

The Hobby Lobby decision was a huge wake up call for me personally and I think it’s fair to extrapolate that out to the whole atheist community.  We’re fools if we think religion is gonna tuck its tail between its legs, abdicate the social throne and go quietly into the night.  They’re gonna fight tooth and nail, every step of the way and the closer our chickens come to hatching, the heavier their hammer is gonna get.

The hammer of choice right now is the term “Religious Freedom”, which is starting to scare the hell out of me.  There was a time when “Religious Freedom” meant that the government couldn’t pass a law against being Catholic, or make a law saying everyone had to be Baptist.  And back when we were using that definition, I was all about it.

But now when they talk about Religious Freedom, what they’re really talking about is “Religious Exemption”; the right to live by a different set of standards than non-religious people.  That’s the exact opposite of actual religious freedom.  As soon as you set up a law that says, “It’s okay to deny contraceptive care, but only if you’re an evangelical fundamentalist,” or “It’s okay to have a beard around this equipment, but only if you’re a Sikh,” or “It’s okay to suck mutilated baby dicks, but only if you’re a jew,” you can’t have religious freedom.

The entire point of religious freedom is that everyone gets treated equally, regardless of their faith.  Do I really need to point out that having a different set of laws for every religion isn’t equality?  Does that really need to be articulated?

And I’m sure the supporter of this bullshit worldview would argue that each religion’s beliefs are being given “equal” respect… that’s the point… that’s where the “equality” is; but that’s nonsensical.  First of all, it’s just not true.  There’s no official government registry of religious beliefs.  The only thing that makes a belief a belief in the eyes of the law are how many people espouse it.  Obviously if eight people say, “Hey, this is our religion and it allows us to smoke weed and jack off in public,” the courts aren’t gonna protect that “religious belief”.  The courts are going to have to decide on a case by case basis what people do and don’t “really believe.”

But secondly, and more importantly, even if it was true, that wouldn’t be a good thing.  The religious beliefs we already make exemptions for allow for child abuse, cruelty to animals, misogyny, the medical neglect of children… do we really want to expand that list?  And if we do, do we really want to expand it indefinitely?

There’s nothing in the bible about abortion… except that weird magical abortion formula in Numbers.  There’s nothing in the bible about contraception.  And there’s certainly nothing in the bible about mandatory healthcare minimums.  This isn’t a universal Christian value or anything.  It’s just what some guy said he believed.

One of the many things that makes this particular case so egregious is that it’s a transparently political belief that is unsubstantiated by the religion in question.  And fundamentalist Christianity in America is increasingly a political party.  So what we’re doing here is creating a protected political class of people who don’t have to abide by the laws the rest of us agree to if Jesus doesn’t want them to.  And again, it’s not like Christ the Savior filed an amicus brief here.

Now, strangely enough, I’m gonna close tonight on a quote from Antonin “The Devil is hiding in my Raisin Bran” Scalia in a decision from 1990 when he completely shot down a religious exemption case that didn’t happen to involve his own religion:

(quote) “To permit this would be to make the professed doctrines of religious belief superior to the law of the land, and in effect to permit every citizen to become a law unto himself.” (end quote)

Apparently in 1990 he still thought that was a bad thing.



Joining me for headlines tonight is stereotypical New Yorker, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to parallel park while eating an everything bagel and bitching about the rest of earth’s inferior pizza?

Fuck you.

Stereotypical enough, I guess.

That shit’s not pizza!!!   In our lead story tonight, from the “Triple-Ex-Con-gregation” file, Pastor Ricky Martin – of a nameless area near Clanton, Alabama – decided in 2010 to create a trailer park behind his Triumph Church, that has since housed approximately 50 convicted sex offenders … all together … with plenty of like-minded accomplices …

You know you’re doing something fucked up when people have to refer to you as the “bad” Ricky Martin.

In a surprise twist, the state of Alabama had to be the voice of reason, when their inspection of his property revealed that he was either operating a really weird theme park … or he was running an un-licensed training facility for ex-con rapist gypsy bare-knuckle boxers.  <I fucking ‘ate pikeys> Either way, they shut it down.  And if we’re splitting hairs, the convicted sex offenders might not have been gypsy bare-knuckle boxers, but they were certainly nomadic rednecks, which is close.

Judging by what I’ve seen of Alabama, bare-knuckled sumo wrestlers is probably closer to the mark.

Seems like Alabama will now be facing the extremely awkward task of evenly distributing the convicted rapist horde throughout the state.  So some guy … is in charge of – I guess – flipping coins and rolling D20’s to determine which ‘presumably cured’ rapist goes where.  Figuring out which towns have the ugliest kids … Weird job.

Yeah, hopefully they can find an enclave in Alabama filled with obesity and inbreeding.

When asked for comment, Pastor Martin may have said (quote): “At first, it was just the homeless other guys from Menudo, but it ballooned into this big thing.” (end quote) … The pastor also pointed out that his tenants haven’t committed any crimes, and that he deserves credit for having not yet injured anyone with his enormous powder keg.

And he’s just assuming there’s no kid fucking going on, right?  What are they, on the buddy system?  And you know what they say, when you assume, you make an ass rape out of the frisbee going over the wooden fence.

Deleted scenes from “Sandlot”…

Couldn’t have been good when some mom went on one of those pedophile map websites, and saw a ridiculous cluster of 50 red dots on a single church … Any more than the size of the staff, and it’s obviously suspicious.

Alabama shuts down church’s “Sex offender camp”:

And in “Of Fucking Course They Did” news tonight, the day after the Hobby Lobby decision was announced, fourteen religious employers sent a request to the Obama Administration asking that they be exempted from hiring the gays.  The coalition includes bigots from a wide swath of white, predominantly male, conservative, Christian institutions; and points out that a pending executive order would make them hire them thar fudge packers and lesbos.

Yes exactly.  It would be a very useful bigotry tax.  So homophobic, libertarian, Christian assholes can still pollute the world with hate all they want, but they have to buy carbon credits from all the gay corporations that aren’t using them.  

In the letter, they pointed out that issuing an anti-discriminatory policy without a religious exemption would mean that people who hate fags because Jesus hated fags would get lumped in with the people that hate fags just because they’re assholes, saying (quote) “We must find a way to respect diversity of opinion on this issue in a way that respects the dignity of all parties…” (end quote).  In other words, “You have to find a way to respect my lack of respect to the dignity of others with dignity”

“Where are we supposed to get dignity, if not by stealing it from gays by denying them basic human rights?!? … Don’t tread on me!!! … Go oppress your own dignity from the marginalized!!!”

This is only one flake in an avalanche of religious bigots trying to jerk every drop of sperm they can out of the the conservative court’s latest splooge of stupidity.  A jackass restaurateur in South Carolina is suing for his right to refuse service to blacks, citing a religious belief.

Do they mention the 15% thing in the Bible?

So can Muslim-owned corporations now refuse to provide health coverage altogether, because insurance is a form of gambling?!?  This whole issue is fucking asinine!!!  How does a panel of the nation’s most respected legal scholars not see that this ruling is manifestly untenable?!?  Utterly embarrassing!!!

Kind of makes you feel like Ruth Bader Ginsburg had to hurry to the presses with her dissent just so she could have it on the record before it was proven right.

So the ones that were proven to be blatantly wrong … They’re fired right???  For being wrong, when their entire job is to be right???  Kind of a big deal in that position.

Surprise, Surprise, Religious Assholes trying to use Hobby Lobby decision to not hire gays:

And in “Why Would the Voices in my Head Lie?” news tonight, Pope Frankenstein’s Monster sent a powerful reminder that you can have the sixteenth century when you pry it from his cold dead hand last week when he officially endorsed the “International Association of Exorcists,” a coalition of more than two hundred and fifty demon-wrastlers that spans over 30 countries and contains almost as many IQ points.  The organization was started in 1991 by Gabriele Amorth, a priest who thinks the devil can sneak into your brain if you read Harry Potter books or do yoga, says so in public, and is still allowed to use a fork like a grown up.

But I imagine he uses a bottom-weighted sippy cup to drink the blood of Christ … What does this even mean though?  The Pope “endorsed” the exorcist association???  Does he get official sponsorship at their events?!?  Vatican Water product placement???

Critics have pointed out that this can only lead to fewer people seeking proper psychiatric care, but Pope Fran-Sisiutl argues that there are really demons living in people’s heads that make them evil.  The pope wranglers have downplayed this because it proves that one of the world’s most powerful institutions is led by a shit-squeezing level psychopath.

Yeah good thing those wranglers are around to make sure the Pope doesn’t sound crazy … Dodged another bullet … But just to be clear on your terminology … Do you mean the Pope would be inclined to squeeze really hard if he had a handful of shit?!?

And would seek out a handful of shit for that purpose, yes.  Now, it’s worth noting once more that Amorth’s understanding of neurology is on par with his understanding of math, as he continues to claim that he’s performed 15,000 exorcisms in the last 30 years, which is about 14 per day.  And since he says some of them take months of “investigation”, that means upwards of 50 quickies on some days.

Vatican recognizes International Exorcist Association:

And from the “Glory hooooooooooooooole!” file, according to Russian Orthodox Priest Alexander Shumsky, his fellow countrymen on the Russian national soccer team were distracted by the homosexual footwear at the World Cup, which led to their embarrassing winless elimination … And I can’t help but wonder what role gay shoes played in the outcome of the Cold War, and the Lake Placid Olympics hockey tournament.

I’m dying to know what gay shoes tongue.  Alright, so lay it on me; how the fuck can a shoe be gay?

The very confused homophobic priest is likely reacting to a popular pair of cleats by Puma that has a blue left shoe, and a pink right shoe … And yes, if you wore those on any soccer team I’ve played for, we would have beat you up in the locker room.  But not for being gay … For being a faggot.

So you’re telling me the man who spends all his time around other men in dresses and is making a public statement about some other guy’s gaudy footwear is anti-homosexuality?

Shumksy is glad the team took their balls and went home while they still had the chance: (quote) “The liberal ideology of globalism clearly wants to oppose Christianity with football. I’m sure of it.  Therefore I am glad that the Russian players have failed and, by the grace of God, no longer participate in this homosexual abomination.” (end quote) … And it’s not just Russia.  Reports from around the world indicate that soccer is now (quote) “stupid and gay” in every country except Germany and Argentina.  

Shumsky also said that the players might as well be wearing (quote) “ a woman’s bra and panties” (end quote), which means that (a) he thinks there’s such thing as a man’s bra and panties and felt the need to clarify and (b) that he’s been thinking about soccer players in women’s underwear.

He also criticized the players for their (quote) “unthinkable” hairstyles.  And if you can’t see the picture I’m holding up, the priest looks like he was conceived when ZZ Top gang-banged Moe from The Three Stooges.  And someone had a uterus.

Priest says World Cup is an Abomination because players wear gay shoes:

And in “Shit Just Got Koreal” news tonight, North Korean officials have taken time off from fashioning exploding blunts for Seth Rogen to try two Americans accused of aggravated bible leaving.  This story begins with the unlikely combination of words “American tourists in North Korea” and ends with the predictable words “On trial for sedition.”

Did they figure out that Dennis Rodman is CIA? … And by the way, why aren’t we handling North Korea like North Vietnam.  We have a script for this.

The tourists in question were, of course, Christian missionaries who were almost certainly seeking to undermine the state with their treasonous Jesus propaganda and as much as I love the thought of Gideons in North Korean prisons, I’m still gonna call this one an overreaction on the part of Pete Rose Jong-Un, here.  Trust me, your people could use more bibles.  You let enough of them in and they wouldn’t have to burn their children in the rusted oil barrels that dot the landscape of your post-apocalyptic looking country.

North Korea charges two Americans with leaving a bible in a hotel room:

And from the “Other Penta-Grammy Awards” file, Christian hip-hop artists Flame and Lacrae – as well as two others that don’t have such a clever name yet – are suing Katy Perry for being an ideal defendant who has more money, and less Jesus.

Suing for insufficient Jesus worked for Hobby Lobby.

While they do mention musical theft, the crux of the complaint is not that Perry stole a useless 8-note riff from their song-with-stolen-name “Joyful Noise” … Although there is a suspicious 8-note riff with different notes in her song “Dark Horse” … They’re really suing her for irreperably damaging their reputation, by associating them with: (quote) “anti-Christian witchcraft, paganism, black magic, and Illuminati imagery..” (end quote)

I’m not conceding that these guys had a reputation to irreparably damage here; but if they did, there’s no quicker way to destroy it than taking credit for Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse.”  And plus, it’s four notes.  Seriously… they’re suing over a god damn B flat minor add 9.  Plus, fuck them for making me listen to that piece of shit long enough to know that.

So I decided to check for secret Free Mason Ralien DaVinci codes in Perry’s song, and based on my research, amidst the interminable dross that is her lyrics, the song contains the name “Aphrodite” … Which doesin fact – make her a demonic polytheist, just like half the Greek diners in the world.  

The video also has eyes in it, so that’s Illuminati all over your tits and a little on the bedspread right there.

So the pagan goddess reference, along with some badly-interpreted arbitrary geometry in her video, and the fact that she still shares a stock and STD portfolio with Russell Brand … I guess all that makes her bad for Jesus.  And of course, that ruined the otherwise-stadium-packing Christian rapper careers of four idiots, who think their idea for 8-bar musical segments is unique.  

I got just see them having their eureka moment…  “So what I did, and this is the clever bit, is after I roll our way down the B flat minor add 9… except I don’t know what it’s called because I’m not remotely a musician… but anyway, after I push those four piano buttons in order, I do the exact same thing over and over again until you stop singing words.”  For fuck sake, they didn’t even do the bendy thing!

Well somebody’s gonna need to make a list of evil band names that would bother the Bible-heads … And I can’t imagine anyone else but us taking the job seriously … So 30 seconds on the clock … “Blasphemous Bands for the Christian Music Bonfire” … GO!!!

See, this is gonna be hard for me because all the bands I listened to growing up were already Satanic, but I’ll try.  How about Mark of the Beastie Boys?

Blue Oyster Occult

Blasphe-Meat Loaf

Purga-Tori Amos

She’d be great in a duet with Celine Diablo.

Lack Sabbath

Wow… you just came up with the blasphemous version of “Black Sabbath”… well done sir.  How about “Faith no Morgies of Violence”?

Lord of the Fliza Minnelli

Damn it… I had “Father of Lies-a Minnelli”… now I have to go with something crappy.  How about “The Mephisto-Police: Featuring… Sting of the Underworld”

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Darkness

Think Floyd

ApoState Radio

Penta-Gram Funk Railroad?

Maybe a collaboration album: Stone Temple Pontius Pilates … featuring Nine Inch Nails

Twisted Exor-Sister

Gay Might Be Science … “Nobody’s business but the church!”

Beelze-Buddy Holly?

Infidella Fitzgerald … rare twist for me … That was a clean scat reference … Now I feel like the listeners would be disappointed without a shit-demon reference …

“The Brown-Eyed Pees” … featuring Lucifergie

Nice.  I was sure you were gonna get David Grohl-agothan in there on drums.

Christian Rappers sue Katy Perry for linking their music to Paganism and Witchcraft:

And finally tonight, in “Stupid Compared to the Other Georgians” news, Atlanta Biology teacher and forlorn antebellum love-interest from a Twain novel, Anquinette Jones is in hot water after offering her freshman biology students a powerpoint presentation that linked the theory of evolution to Satan, abortion, euthanasia, homosexuality, divorce, pornography and racism.

Well if evolution can cause things … you might consider believing it exists.  Or was she trying to claim that people are choosing to kill babies, shoot porn, hate blacks, and be gay because they mistakenly believe that better animals fuck more???

Good luck figuring out what the fuck she was talking about.  According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, in addition to disturbingly preposterous factual errors, the presentation also included bizarre grammatical errors, odd illustrations, cartoons from Ken Ham’s Answers in Genesis and a picture of Octomom.  In an understatement seemingly calculated for comical effect, school officials told the paper (quote) “the science lesson plan was not properly vetted.”

I’m still wondering how it was improperly vetted.  Exactly what vetting occurred?!?  What did that look like? … “Excuse me, Ms. Jones? … Ms. Blanche DuBois? … Found your handouts from Darwin’s book on the copy machine.  Looks like the Genesis chapter is finished.”

When asked if she was offended by the presentation, a local parent said, and I’m loosely paraphrasing here, “Offended?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I’m terrified.  That babbling lunatic probably archives her urine in little jars and this fucking school had her teaching science to children.  Offended doesn’t even come close.”

Atlanta Biology Teacher: Evolution is from Satan:

And quick before my right arm goes numb, we’ll close the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be here for the sexiest book in the bible so far.


This Week in Misogyny:

Sometimes you read a news story and the chauvinism damn near makes the pages stick together, but other times the questions of gender equality can be a little more subtle.  For example, should women have the right to be forced to cover their faces in public by men?  Well, according to the European Court of Human Rights, no.

This is the latest (and hopefully final) chapter in the ongoing controversy surrounding France’s 2010 law, banning full face veils in public.  The complainant in this case was a muslim women who insisted that it wasn’t some man forcing her to cover her face; it was an invisible man with superpowers.

For some human rights activists, this is a sticky situation.  For women raised in a culture that tells them not to show their faces, it can be as stressful for them as being forced to show your breasts would be for a woman raised in our culture.  The fact that there’s more than a little bigotry fueling some of the support for it also doesn’t help.

All that being said, I’d say one generation of uncomfortable women is a small price to pay for future generations not being ashamed of their own faces… or their tits for that matter.

French full-face veil ban upheld:

Of course, for some people, the issues of women’s rights are pretty black and white.  Take Louisiana Congressional hopeful Bill Cassidy.  For him, it’s as simple as handing your girly bits to the nearest man and asking him what you are and aren’t allowed to do with them.  This staunch supporter of abstinence only-education, staunch opponent of contraception and fucking lunatic on abortion has a new grandchild on the way… via his seventeen year old daughter.

When he announced the pregnancy in a local paper he said (quote) “Our daughter now faces a more challenging future than her peers,” (end quote) which means he knows he’s making the lives of young women harder than they need to be when he comes out against the problem, the solution and the back up plan all at the same time.

Abstinence only advocate learns that shit doesn’t work:

And from Louisiana we’ll shift to America’s flaccid penis, Florida, where an argument about women’s rights ended with a subhuman jackass punching his girlfriend’s bunny.  Now, I have to admit that when I first read he punched her bunny, it sounded like fun to me, but then I realized that this bubbling rectal ejecta actually punched a little cute scrunchy nosed, fuzzy faced, floppy eared little adorable little bunny.  

And we’re not talking about the rabbit that Tim the Enchanter warned us about here, it’s a goddamn little helpless rabbit.  So here’s a quick piece of advice in case this real life Elmer Fudd is listening: Nobody has ever improved their position in an argument by punching a bunny unless the argument was “I bet you won’t punch that bunny.”

Florida man punches bunny over women’s rights argument:

Sorry about leaving you with such a depressing image, but I’ll be back next week and hopefully no animals will be harmed in the making of next week’s segment.



In the wake of the Supreme Court’s recent decision in the case of Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood vs. Common Sense, you may be left with a lot of questions.  How will this affect my insurance coverage?  What ridiculous concession will the Supreme Court allow for next, child sacrifice?  And, most importantly, what religion should my closely held corporation be?

When deciding on your corporation’s religion, it’s important to consider all your options.  You’re probably tempted to go with evangelical Christianity after seeing all the money Hobby Lobby will save by not covering contraceptive care, but the good news is that all the world’s major religions hate women, so whichever choice you make, you’ll be able to compensate them like a secondary class of menstruating harem girls.

In fact, if your primary concern is health coverage, perhaps you should consider Orthodox Judaism.  The money you’ll save not covering bacon related coronaries is more than you think.  Even better, think of all the money you’ll save on training manuals and internal memos now that the women that work for you aren’t allowed to read.  And sure, the Sabbath day restrictions are a pain, but Jew god has proven notoriously easy to fool.

Of course, Islam has a lot to offer American corporations as well.  Think about all the money you’re wasting this month by giving your employees lunch breaks during Ramadan.  Sure, the constant bowing to Mecca might slow you down, but it doesn’t take too many workplace stonings to keep your employees on task the rest of the time.  Plus, on-the-clock honor killings will cut your maternity leave costs by more than sixty percent!

But let’s not limit ourselves to the Abrahamic faiths.  Buddhism will absolve you from covering alcohol and drug related medical costs, but perhaps just as importantly, their restrictions against killing any living thing can save you a ton of money on sanitizing costs if you own a restaurant.

The same is true of Jainism, which will allow you to pay well below minimum wage, and if you go with the Digambar sect, the mandatory nudity you can impose will eliminate uniform costs altogether.  And the tenets of Hinduism are so ill-defined that you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want.

Of course, there are also a few religions you’ll want to avoid.  You might be tempted to go with Scientology to avoid all those troublesome psychiatric costs, but trust me, you’d be better off getting those Scientologists to shrinks.  Neopaganism offers you the opportunity to substitute an herb garden for a health insurance plan, but the group orgies and mutual masturbation sessions make for a lot of downtime.  You’ll also want to avoid Mormonism because it’s just fucking wacky.

But why limit yourself to religions that actually exist?  After all, the only functional difference between a cult and a religion is size so why not start your own religion?  The new faith of “Incorporatism” believes that CEOs and majority shareholders are appointed by god as his earthly representatives and should be showered with elaborate compensation packages and oral sex at all waking moments.  Considering the current makeup of the Supreme Court, we expect this to be the third largest religion in the United States by the Wednesday after next.

Just remember, the most important thing is to choose the religion that makes you the most money and allows you the greatest opportunity to interfere with the lives of your employees.  Because fuck those peons, you’re in charge.


Pascal’s Wager:

From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a few minutes to discuss some of the common apologetics used in defense of theism.  Heath, what incorrectly induced insult to intellect are we gonna tackle today?

Today we’ll be talking about “Pascal’s Wager.”

Hard to believe we haven’t done that one yet.  Alright, so if you don’t mind, set this up for us.  What is “Pascal’s Wager”?

Pascal’s Wager looks at religious belief like a bet.  Formally, it consists of five premises.

  1. We can’t determine the odds that god does or doesn’t exist.
  2. If we believe in god and we’re right, we get good stuff times infinity
  3. If we believe in god and we’re wrong, nothing happens when we die.
  4. If we don’t believe in god and we’re right, nothing still happens when we die.
  5. And, if we don’t believe in god and we’re wrong, we get bad stuff times infinity.

Based on those five premises, Pascal determines that the best bet to make, regardless of the odds, is that God exists.

Okay, so this one is pretty easy to refute.  All five of those premises are wrong.

Not necessarily.

Yes, necessarily.  The first one ignores the existence of less and more likely esoteric claims, the second and fifth ignore the existence of other religions altogether and the third and fourth ignore all the real world costs of believing in bullshit.

Well, according to your view, sure.

But my view, in this case, is the sound application of logic.

Yes, butthe gulf between this and proper logic is wider than the space between the dick and the walls of your mom’s vagina.


Calm down, that was less a joke about the size of your mom’s cunt and more a self-deprecating joke about the size of my dick.

Oh… but wait a second…

Perhaps this will be easier if we strip away all the formal logic stuff and look at the argument in its more common four-word form: “What if you’re wrong?”

But again that’s not sound logic by any stretch of the imagination.  The consequences of being wrong don’t factor into the assessment of a truth claim.  I don’t think I’m gonna get hit in the head by a meteor when I go outside and if I’m wrong my brain gets crushed.  That’s not a valid reason to wear a helmet everywhere I go.

Are you saying people who invoke Pascal’s Wager shouldn’t be required to wear helmets everywhere they go?

Well, I don’t think I’d go that far, but my point is the potential negatives of being wrong have nothing to do with whether or not the claim is true.

No, but it could have an effect on whether you pretend it’s true.

And see, that’s yet another fatal flaw in the argument.  According to pretty much all the religions, it’s not enough to just pretend you think it’s true.  A person can’t decide to believe something in the same way they can decide to bet on red or black.

But this isn’t a way of deciding a belief; it’s a way of justifying one.  People don’t believe in god because of Pascal’s Wager; they believe it because they were indoctrinated into it or because they suck at logic.  Pascal’s Wager is just there to make it seem less stupid internally.

Well then why do they always use it externally?

Because the “la-la-la I can’t hear you” approach is a little too transparent.  The point is that no amount of logical analysis is going to convince somebody dumb enough to use Pascal’s Wager.  You’d basically have to go back to the multiplication tables and start over from there.

Well if you can’t use logic, how could you possibly win the argument?

You can’t.  That’s my point.

Well, this is the “counter-apologetics” segment.  The whole point of this segment is to, you know, offer logical refutations to common religious claims.

Hold on just a second… I never said you couldn’t win the encounter, I just said you couldn’t win the argument.

Okay, now you’ve got my attention.  So what are you proposing?

Well, you might not like it, because it ends with all the Christians that use Pascal’s Wager dying in agony.

Okay, so you’re endorsing… genocide?

Well, it’s best not to think of it as “genocide”… think about it more as a voluntary exodus from the gene pool based on epistemological fuck-wittery.

I still don’t think that’s good.

Yeah, but it’s less bad.  Let me give you an example.  If there was an invisible, undetectable race of aliens from another dimension trying to infect you with space rickets by poisoning your food, you’d never be able to prove that, right?

Probably not, I guess.

And for all you know, space rickets is the worst disease in the galaxy:  It simultaneously grants you immortality and ensures that you’ll spend it with a really nasty rash on your balls and an incessant migraine and turds with nails in them.  For eternity.

For the purposes of this example, sure.

So all we have to do is put this idea in the heads of these Pascal’s Wager types.  Obviously, starving to death is better than space rickets, right?  So you’re better off not eating.  Sure, you might not believe the aliens are trying to poison you, but what if you’re wrong?

Okay, I see where you’re going here, but I don’t know that I’m ready to endorse that idea just yet.

You’re probably right.  It would take way too long for them to die that way…

Well, that wasn’t the crux of my objection, exactly…

How about this?  We tell them that the government is poisoning them with clouds of neurotoxins hidden in airplane exhaust and that would give them the space rickets.  And then they would have to stop breathing.

Well first of all, I think somebody’s already telling them that, and second, I still don’t think we should be looking for ways to necessarily kill anyone…

Right… of course.  Because it would be way more advantageous to keep them alive to do our bidding.  We could just tell them that their likelihood of getting space rickets is directly proportional to how much money they give us.

I don’t like that idea either…

…Right, because then we’d be starting a religion.  And that would make us no better than Jesus.


What the Fuck is… RFRA?

The lesser known third of Bill Clinton’s trilogy of horrible acronym legislation that gets pronounced like a real word; RFRA has been outshadowed by the economy-crippling NAFTA and the equality-crippling DOMA.  The law was passed by a unanimous Congress and 3 votes shy of a unanimous senate back in 1993.  Four years later it was declared mostly unconstitutional, and two weeks ago it was invoked to allow fundamentalist Christians to make medical decisions for their employees.

But what is it?

The heart of the legislation is contained in the following phrase: “The government shall not pass a law that substantially burdens a person’s free exercise of religion.”  A law can only be exempted if it meets the following two criteria;  One, the law must be necessary for the furtherance of a compelling government interest and two, it must be the least restrictive way to further said interest.

So basically the law says the government can’t do anything whatsoever until every individual religious person signs off on it.  So how did such legislative bullshit become law?  Easy; Americans are stupid.  But how did it pass with such universal support?

Well, it was originally proposed in response to two cases.  In one, the federal government was building roads across land considered sacred to some Native American tribes.  The second involved Native Americans getting fired after testing positive for mescaline.  And back when this was a politically correct effort to alleviate white guilt, it garnered support from the ACLU, along with every religious group in the country.

Part of the act was struck down by the court in ‘97 when a Catholic diocese wanted to expand their church but couldn’t because of a land ordinance.  The Supreme Court ruled in Boerne v. Flores that RFRA couldn’t be applied to the states, but it could still be applied to federal law.  In response, the congress clambered to religion’s dick tongue over lips to pass the even less pronouncably acronymed “RLUIPA”, or “Religious Land Use and Institutionalized Persons Act” in 2000.

In addition, once this weakness in the law was exposed, many states enacted their own versions of the same act, making the Supreme Court’s initial ruling increasingly irrelevant.

So what started as a well-intentioned but ultimately stupid effort to protect magic trees, magic cactuses and keep Native American tribes from drinking water that might contain “ghost sickness” is now being used to allow for-profit companies to limit their employees access to basic health care.  And as we discussed in the headlines, it’s not likely to end there.

Luckily, there is a well organized effort from one of America’s most proactive atheist organizations to get this law the hell off the books.  The Freedom From Religion Foundation has been pivotal in a number of our communities recent legislative victories and now they’re training their sights on RFRA.

This is a fight we all need to get involved in.  I’ll be including links in the shownotes for this episode to more information on the FFRF’s efforts as well as more information about what you can do to help.  Because “sacred groves?” “Ghost Sickness?”  Gimme a fuckin’ break.



A few weeks ago I posted something on our Facebook page about the bible being almost impossible to masturbate to.  And at the time I meant it as a joke, but after reading Song of Solomon I’m just redacting the statement altogether.  Basically, this book is a love poem that has nothing to do with anything we’ve read up to this point.  In fact, I would imagine it only got included in the canon when the night scribe accidentally left his porn scroll wedged into the bible when he went home.

Even though the scrolls are only one page, it’s still easy to get them stuck together, if you’re not careful.  

So to help us decipher who’s talking when in this book is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Happy to join you for “The Holy Babble… After Dark.”

Yeah, we should totally have some Barry White playing in the background for this one, but I’ll be damned if we’re securing those rights… or even the rights to a generic 70s porn soundtrack, so instead we’ll just dive right in.

  • And just to give everyone some context, along with the very heterosexual couple, there’s also a chorus-full of friends watching the whole time, singing about their voyeur party, doing their best to double as a 70’s porn soundtrack.
  1. And clearly both of them would rather be fucking farm animals, but they’re settling for each other.
    1. It got bestial quick, didn’t it?
    2. Yeah, the woman says, “fuck me like I was one of your sheep” and the dude says, “You remind me of one of the horses that pulls the Pharaoh’s chariot… but in a good way.”
  • I’d let her take a pull on my chariot of fire.
  1. And she’s giving him the whole bullshit modesty thing.  She’s saying, “Oh, you wouldn’t want to see my naked body… I’m so tan and fit from working in the vineyards all day… so sweaty and thin and bronzed…”
  • “Yeah sorry I’m not translucent like those real Jewish women in Brooklyn.”
  • And then the chorus teaches the girl how to be a stalker … “Dude’s a shepherd, right? … Follow the trail of sheep shit, and you’ll find his tent.  Just don’t forget to bring your goats, because he’s into that.”
  1. This book is a great break from what we’ve been doing though.  Because we used to have to look for innuendo and maybe stretch for a pussy joke here and there.  But this book just tees them up.  Final line of chapter one, guys says to his fit, sun-bathed hottie, “Our beams are cedar; our rafters are pine.”
  • Right, and she goes out of her way to mention that the “bed is verdant” … And if there’s grass on the field, you play.  Everyone feels more comfortable when there’s pubes.
  1. Then she says, “I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.  A lily among brambles,” which I took as an apology for her ungainly muff.
  • Yeah, sounds like 70’s porn bush to go along with the 70’s porn soundtrack.
  1. Then she compliments him by saying he’s like an apple tree.  Which is a probably a compliment to both the cock and the balls.
  2. And in case you think we’re exaggerating, Chapter two, verse 3 says “With great delight I sat in his shadow; and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
  3. Yeah, so by chapter two we’ve already gotten oral and horsie-style.  <And she just tea-bagged his low-dangling fruit … Check.> And then in verse six we get a little finger-fucking.
  4. Then he chastises her for getting him hard before he has to go to work.
  5. And when he gets home we get this weird stalker moment where he’s staring at her through the lattice after leaping over mountains and coming on boulders.
  6. And apparently he’s eating her out so long she gets worried and tells him to come up for air: “Oh, my dove in the clefts of the rock, let me see your face…”
  • “At least wipe off your beard on my inner thighs, or something.”
  1. Chapter three starts out with some chick masturbating while she thinks about her lover.  Then she gets bored with her zucchini and went out to find some dick.
  • Yeah she goes down to start working the street corner, and the cops won’t even buy a blowjob.  
  1. So she asks the sentinels where the fuck-worthy dudes were, and eventually she finds somebody and drags him into her mom’s bedroom.
  • Because there’s no place I’d rather have sex than my parent’s bedroom.
    1. But I think she started trying to suck him off before he was hard again because he reminds her not to awaken love until it’s ready.
    2. So, unsatisfied with that cock, she sees the whole royal entourage coming and starts telling herself, “I think I can, I think I can…”
  1. Then the guy takes over the narrative and Cyrano De Bergerac he isn’t.
    1. It’s so bad.  They have lines in their like “Your teeth are like soaking wet, recently shaved sheep,” “Your breasts are like baby deers eating flowers” and the very hard to take as a compliment “You smell like Lebanon.”
    2. He also says, “Your neck is like the tower of David, on it hangs a thousand bucklers”… so I think he was complimenting the zits on her throat at that point.
    3. And at one point, he compliments her “channel”… he says it’s like an orchard with sweet fruit.
      1. I think it’s fucking hilarious that in my copy there’s a footnote on that line that reads, “Meaning of Hebrew is uncertain”…
  • Starting to sound more and more like Zeppelin … At some point he’ll be squeezing her lemon until the juice runs down her leg.  Gotta happen.  Further evidence that God might be John Bonham.  
  1. Then the creepy gets cranked up to eleven in chapter four when he starts calling her, “My sister, my bride…”
  2. But it works, because by the end of chapter four she’s unlocking her garden and telling him to eat from its ripe fruits.
  • And according to the girl’s own account, her orchard has “nards” … So this just keeps getting weirder.
  1. And I’ll admit readily that a lot of the allegory here makes no sense to me.  I’m pretty sure that at the beginning of chapter five when he’s talking about being asleep when his heart’s awake it’s a wet-dream reference, but later on the chick is talking about the sentinels finding her and whipping her so I’m not sure precisely what kind of kinky shit they were doing.
    1. I’m with you.  At first I’m thinking to myself, “Who the fuck drinks milk with their wine,” and then I realized that’s probably about sucking tits.
  • And then we get this creepy intruder role playing scenario.  Dude bangs on the door: “Open up!  My head is drenched with dew, and I’m here to have my way with you.”  But it turns out she was just hoping to get fake-raped by an intruder, because she was hallucinating, and what actually happened was she got gang-banged by the group of cops from earlier.  HOW IS THIS IN THE BIBLE?!?
    1. And then she tries the “your  eyes are like this and your cheeks are like that” thing, but she’s no better at it than he was.
      1. …Your eyes are like doves and your cheeks are like spices and your similes are like a reluctant bowel movement.
    2. And why are everyone’s eyes like doves?  What dove-qualities can an eye have that would make it attractive?  That’s just weird.
  1. And I’m pretty sure at a certain point the dude is counting on her just not paying attention.  In chapter six he basically says all the stuff he just said a couple chapters ago and sneaks stuff in like “You’re as terrible as an army with banners.”  That can’t be a compliment, can it?
  • Yeah apparently the line about having teeth that resemble a slightly hairy wet goat landed so well the first time, he couldn’t help but go back to that wordsmith well.
    1. And could either of you ever get a handle on who was where in this thing?  One moment they’re fucking, then she’s wandering the streets looking for him, then he’s fingering her, then he’s in the pasture with his sheep, then she’s gathering pomegranates and getting beaten by somebody…
  1. And is it just me, or is this book really materialistic?  Because basically, every comparison is to some precious metal or a gem or something.  It would be like telling your lover “Your lips are like fat stacks of hundreds; your cheeks are like red BMWs and your eyes are like the new iPhone that hasn’t come out yet…”
    1. And how the fuck am I supposed to not make a racist Jew joke in chapter seven when he says to his beloved, “You nose is like a tower of Lebanon, overlooking Damascus”?
  • Yeah, telling a girl that Syrians use her nose as a sun dial … not a good line …
  1. And how clumsy is this shit… Chapter seven, verses 7&8: “You are as stately as a palm tree and your breasts are like it’s clusters.  I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches.”  You’re not even trying at this point.  “Your eye’s are like… pretty things that are round… and your pussy is like a wet thing that I want to fuck…”
  2. And how are her breasts like coconuts?  Are they hairy?  Rough to the touch?  Hard to crack open without a hammer?
  • Don’t worry … they corrected that in my version.  Breasts are like clusters of grapes in King James.  Regardless, it sounds like this woman needs a mammogram.
  1. But just when you think this one’s got nothing new to offer, chapter eight ramps up the kink.  Opening line here, “Oh that you were like a brother to me, who nursed at my mother’s breast.”  So incestual cougar threeway?  Check.
    1. And in the second verse, he says… or she says… at this point who knows who’s talking any more, but somebody says, essentially, “If I just met you in the street, I’d drag you into my mom’s bedroom and get you shit faced until you fucked me.”  So this isn’t quite as romantic as some would suggest.
    2. And starting in verse eight it takes a turn so weird the rest of the book seemed normal.  It’s the chick talking now and she’s talking about how small her little sister’s tits are.  And if she’s a wall they’d build battlements on her and if she was a door they’d cover her in cedar.  Not sure what the hell that was all about.
  • Yeah the only thing left missing was a Lolita reference …         
  1. And the whole thing ends with what I think is them having a public quickie in somebody’s garden while a bunch of old women watch.

Yeah, so the obvious question as we close this one off is what the fuck was that all about?  There’s nothing in this book about god or religion or morals or… anything.

It’s like a Hollywood director got a hold of this thing and said, “Needs more sex… some non-rape sex, this time.”

Yeah, so clearly it was a Hollywood director and not a exec at HBO.

So just like that, we bid a bizarre adieu to the “Wisdom Books”.  Hopefully we’ll have some time in the coming weeks to give them a proper send off, but the next time we meet for the Holy Babble we’ll have moved into the final section of the Old Testament, “The Prophetic Books.”

Something of a program note; if you’re reading ahead, you’ll have noticed that the last twelve books of the Old Testament are all a couple pages long, so rather than spending eight and a half months of Holy Babble with shit like Malachi and Zephaniah, we’re gonna lump all of those together when we get there, knock this out and get straight to fucking with Jesus.

Nobody fucks with the Jesus.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the program where we read the critiques from our listeners and offer thoughtful, articulate responses like “fuck off.”

Speaking of which, our first email comes from a first time listener who kind of liked the show and all, but took issue with the 30-seconds on the clock bit.  Shawn said, (quote)

“If you’re gonna rip off @Midnight, at least you could be a little less obvious about it.”

And we’ll answer that with a quick trip to the timeline here.  Comedy Central’s soon to be short-lived late night vehicle “@Midnight” premiered on October 21st of 2013.  The first 30 seconds on the clock bit on this show debuted on episode 20 of this show and it was an extension of something we’d been doing as early as episode 12.  That was May 9th, five and a half months before they jumped on the bandwagon.

It became a weekly staple starting in episode 32, so even if you start the clock there we have them beat by a full month.  But we’re totally okay with them using our bit.

So only the guy from Singled Out can put specific amounts of seconds on a clock???  And only Tyler Perry is allowed to even consider what Jesus might do in a given situation?!?  Really?!?

Our next message comes from Kayla who asks which part of the show is hardest to put together each week.

She also promised to shit herself if we answered the question on air, so… you know … push.  Get that prairie dog going.

Yeah, for me, it’s the compliments to the donors at the end of each episode.  I feel like I can never let anybody down on that one and I don’t want one person to think their compliment wasn’t as good as the other person’s, so I stress on that one.

I guess it says a lot about me that when it comes to insults I don’t even slow down, but when it comes to complimenting people I have to pace for half an hour.

For me, it’s trying to match Noah’s level of tact and diplomacy when dealing with religion.  He’s always so classy about it, and I have to work very hard to keep up.

Good answer.  And finally we have an email from an unnamed listener in an undisclosed location who could be hanged or have his nuts chopped off if the wrong person knew he listened to this show, which still really fucks me up inside.

Anyway, he sent us a great email about what it’s like to live in a country where everyone’s doing the Ramadan thing.  He sent newspaper links about all these people that are rushed to hospitals every evening because they’ve tried to stuff whole chickens into their mouths the instant the sun winks out in the Western sky.

Yeah, and apparently starving zealots hurrying home for their 8:30pm breakfast have the driving skills of Asian women from New Jersey.

He also pointed out the amazing amount of food that’s wasted because of this holiday.  I guess all the restaurants have buffets when they’re allowed to eat again because they can’t wait long enough to order shit at that point.  I’m not sure if it’s accurate, but the number he cited was 1850 tons of food wasted over Ramadan just in Dubai last year.

Yeah so thanks for the email, unnamed listener, we really got a kick out of looking into it and we appreciate your continued willingness to be the first Scathing Atheist martyr.

And, of course, your email also got us to thinking of a potential top ten for this week.  So here are the top ten worst things about celebrating Ramadan … Take it away Paul Schaffer!!!

  • 10- You’re really fucking hungry.
  • 9 – But all the good vomitoriums have a three hour waiting list at dusk.
  • 8 – Even when you break the fast, there’s no bacon.
  • 7 – You don’t wanna be a Somali pirate.
  • 6 – The fast against sex and eating end at the same time, and that gets messy.
  • 5 – Tired of hearing the phrase: “But it’s a dry heave.”
  • 4 – The daily fourteen hour jerking off hiatus.
  • 3 – The rash you always get from condensing your jerk schedule down to eight hours.  
  • 2 – Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your stomach’s rumbling or the vest is detonating prematurely.
  • 1 – When the month is over, you’re still a Muslim.

And that’s it for feedback, if you want more, keep the tweets, messages and emails coming.



Before we drop the mic tonight, I want to remind everybody to check the shownotes this week for some important links about the FFRF’s efforts against RFRA, which was really hard to say.  Anyway, go to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and check the links at the top of the page.  This is a fight we really need to win.

And I guess that makes this a good time to remind everyone that with the exception of interviews, our full episodes are transcribed on the website each week.  The Transcript is always up within twenty-four hours of the show’s release, so if you ever want a copy of a diatribe or a poem or a 30 seconds on the clock bit or whatever, it’s there going all the way back to episode one.

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  I’m scheduled to record with Jake Farr-Wharton this weekend so I believe I’ll be on the upcoming episode of the Imaginary Friends Show.  As soon as that’s up we’ll have links to it on our Facebook page and our Twitter feed.

Of course you’ll always find bonus nuggets of Scatheism on both of those feeds as well as on the erratically published blog.  And sorry about the false alarm on having some guest posts on the blog.  I just buried under work this week, but I’ve got a post ready to drop Monday and many more to come.  So be sure to check that out as well.

I need to thank Heath for never running out of shit to wince at; of course I want to thank Lucinda for still being so damn sexy after all these years… and other stuff related to the show, too; I want to thank Professor Stephen for this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  You can hear him every week live with Cash on Atheists on Air.  He’s a really well informed skeptic and a funny mother fucker and if you don’t believe me, my evidence will appear as a link to their podcast on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people, Scott, Fred, Chris, Other Scott, Nasser, Lana, Sean, Gerard, Victoria, Cody, Glen, Matthew and Frank.  Scott, Fred and Chris, whose ejaculations have both started and ended wars;  Other Scott, Nasser, Lana and Sean, who are so intelligent they can refute the 10% brain myth with 90% of their brain tied behind their back; Gerard, Victoria, and Cody, who are so sexy they could turn even my laptop on in under a minute; and Glen, Matthew and Frank, whose dicks are so big they thought the Large Hadron Collider was a glory hole.

These thirteen ravenously rational rabble-rousers roused some rabble this week by giving us money.  Not everybody gives us money or we’d be fucking loaded.  But some people do so we’re able to scrape out a living making dick jokes about Jesus and for that we are truly and eternally grateful.  If you’d like to support the show, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like support our efforts but you’re still waiting for the ransom payment to come in, you can help us out in the meantime by leaving us a five star review on iTunes or any other place that allows you to gives stars to podcasts.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 68 – Partial Transcript

June 5, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)




Warning: Eli’s on this episode so you might want to pee before you listen.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Christian Mingle (dot) com, because as far as we can tell, there’s no law against advertising for a company against their will.  So try Christian Mingle (dot) com, because when I say “Fuck Christians”, it’s not always metaphorical.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s June 5th,

And there’s no such thing as “well done but juicy”.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Ballgame over! Yankees win!” New York, New York,

And “Rebels Trail at Halftime” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll wonder why Easter candy is being sold in Malaysia,
  • We’ll learn that Hitler’s not as bad when you compare him to god,
  • And Eli Bosnick will join us to discuss that guy who hosted Later With Greg Kinnear.

But first, the diatribe…



Ever since I moved to Georgia, I’ve been looking forward to the missionaries.  I could hit the nearest church to my house with a frisbee and the next nearest with about a 3 wood.  I see roving bands of Jesus proxies everywhere I go in this town so I knew it was only a matter of time.

And when it finally came it was like a perfect storm of anger and rage.  It should have been a thing of beauty.  After the surgery, my wife was up and down and tossing and turning so I slept on the couch for the first couple of post-op weeks and it’s pretty okay for a couch but it’s still a couch.

Right about that time the AC goes out in my house.  So, of course, we get highs in the mid-nineties the whole time.  And for our international listeners, ninety five fahrenheit is three hundred and eight point one five Kelvin.  So it’s fucking hot.

Anyway, I wake up in the morning to a knock on the door that I hope is the repairman but instead it’s a couple of used afterlife salesman.  I’m wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts and a sheen of sweat, the perspiration in my hair has congealed into this reverse pillow mold and at that point I’d have been pissed if it was the Publisher’s Clearing House guys unless one of them had a background in AC repair.

All the ingredients were there for an epic, heartless, misanthropic beat down, but there was one problem.  The missionaries in question were three girls, ranging in age from fourteen down to nine.  The eldest is muttering something about an island and a boat and she’s clearly forgetting the last half of her sales pitch midway through the first half, so after a bit of stammering she asks me if I’ve made room in my life for Jesus.

So I consider it for a second and I say, “I liked some of his early stuff.”

This clearly wasn’t in their flowchart so it earned me a few seconds of blank stares and I added, “but once he got into that ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ phase, I tuned out.”

And apparently preteen Baptist girls don’t watch Reservoir Dogs because it clearly didn’t ring a bell.  But undeterred, Jesus’s groupies went on to the next line, which was something about some dead carpenter or another.  But I was done making fun of them and it was too hot to try to explain the concept of “incorrect” at that point so I told them I had important Messiahs to ignore but they were free to come back some other time.

It’s hard for me to imagine how that was supposed to go in their minds.  Do groups of socially awkward teenie-boppers have high conversion rates?  Are they concerned that somebody in town missed the church signs and giant crosses and “Christian Owned Business” stickers and bible verses and Christian book stores and yard signs and the bumper stickers and t-shirts and the eleven religious channels on basic cable and hadn’t heard the news about his sins having been died for?  Did the preacher think to himself, “If anything will subdue the skepticism of the wayward masses, it’s the wisdom of One Direction fans?”  And did mom and dad think to themselves, “What a great time to send the girls out unsupervised to the homes of middle aged men that we’ve never met!  I know it’s ninety five degree out, but it’s a wet heat.”

But, of course, I know that they know they’re not gonna convert me.  I’m just a prop in this game.  The preacher didn’t send them out to spread their faith, he sent them out to strengthen it.  It’s all about cramming as much Jesus as he can into every nook and cranny of their lives.  I’m a vaccine against all the people that might challenge their beliefs later in life.  I’m an unwitting pawn in their indoctrination.

Nothing betrays the depravity of religious leaders like their willingness to exploit children, and I’m not just talking about the ones that molest them.  I just don’t see how anyone can resolve this in their own heads.  How can you believe that teaching kids that there really are monsters under their beds is anything but unconscionable?



Joining me for headlines tonight is treif enthusiast, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to scare some swine-o-phobes?

So here’s what I’ve been doing … I carry a strip of bacon with me everywhere I go in New York City, and touch every surface I can.  That includes every straw in every restaurant if possible.  So if pig molecules irrationally frighten you, don’t come to New York any more.

In our lead story tonight, a Utah high school has taken decisive action against inappropriate shoulder-inspired erections this week by photoshopping modesty onto the floozies in their yearbook.  Officials at “Watch Snatch” high school in South-Central Heber City, Utah enraged a number of their female students by adding sleeves to tank tops and camisoles to the pre-cleavage chest area.

I can understand where these girls are coming from.  You’ve gotta look good when you’re 16-years-old, and have eight other younger wives to compete with.

Though they stopped short of going full hijab on these chicks, several of the students were outraged by the changes.  To their credit, the school later apologized for not altering more of the photos!  When this was brought to their attention, they were devastated by the fact that some of those little harlots got away with showing bare necks on their yearbook pictures after all.

Blasphemy!!!  Might as well be the “Clavicle Fetish” section of a porn site!!!

I think it’s worth noting… and this is coming from a guy that grew up in the scrambled-porn whacking era… I can assure these school officials that no amount of digital remastery is gonna slow down a teenage boy looking to rub one out.

Yeah porn on dial-up was rough, but we certainly still made it work.  The girl would show up in small horizontal bars, about once a minute, so by the time it got down to the upper shoulders, it was usually too late.  I’d finally see some snatch while I was cleaning up.

“And we liked it!”

Utah High School modifies girl’s yearbook pics to look more modest:

And from the “Still in Denial” file, Life Savers Ministries of Alabama recently put up – and then immediately had to take down in public embarrassment – a billboard in Auburn with the following two quotes … #1: “He alone, who owns the youth, owns the future.” … And #2: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” … These particular brainwashing tips were taken from two sources: Proverbs 22:6 and … wait for it … Adolph Hitler.

And it’s not like they just didn’t know who said that.  They actually had the attribution on the billboard!  It was written in red and it was bigger than the biblical attribution so there was no possible way you could drive by and not realize you were getting parenting advice from Hitler.

So let’s set aside the Holocaust thing … Who even knows whether- … Just ignore that for a moment … The message of the billboard is insane.  First of all, it admits that Hitler and God use the same recruiting strategy.  Not a selling point.  And it also suggests that brainwashing people from birth to be religious zealots hasn’t lead to nearly every single genocide campaign in human history.  Which it clearly has.

You’d think at least the ad company would have said something.  The guy designing the thing?  “Hey guys… I know it’s your ad and everything, but are you sure you want to associate yourself with the Nazis?  I mean, I agree that at least it’s an ethos and all…”

So yes … Somehow, nobody foresaw any negative reaction to the name “Adolph Hitler” printed in huge letters, on an enormous highway poster.  Turns out several people in Alabama know someone that’s seen a Jew, and they were – of course – mildly offended on their behalf.

“I seen me a jew once!  Had one a ‘em little hats and everthang.”

Following the very subtle public outcry, Ministry founder James Anderegg admitted that – in retrospect – it might have been better to use a Herbert Hoover quote instead.  Which clearly betrays his knowledge of “Anyone But Hitler”, and really only makes it worse.

“But Hitler’s mom let’s him do it”:

And in “Don’t try this at home” news tonight, we have a fucked up story about a crazy person murdering a kid.  Raging psychotic Kimberly Lee Lucas, after being told repeatedly by the sane people around her that Abraham was commendable for the whole “willingness to murder his kid for god” thing, decided to emulate this biblical hero.  And it turns out that, no, killing children on the command of the voices in your head isn’t all the bible makes it out to be.

“Yeah I stabbed my 2-year-old with a knife.  But I didn’t think it would work!!!” … Where are the censors now?  At least Grand Theft Auto has you murdering hookers, not your own child.  And by the way, the Bible also has you murdering hookers, just for the record.

Now, we generally try to avoid stories about baby murder and crazy people on this show because by and large you can’t blame religion for its adherents being mentally ill… and baby murder jokes stop being funny if you’re talking about actual murdered babies.  But when you are arm crazy people with stories that glorify attempted infanticide you have to accept at least some of the blame.

Yeah to be fair, I’d say the blame is spread out evenly, across all the holy books that glorify attempted infanticide.

Now let me stave off a few emails right now by making it clear that I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to buy bibles or that all bibles should be banned.  I’m just endorsing waiting periods and background checks.  And maybe we should rethink our policies on assault bibles.

Woman kills child while reinacting Abraham and Isaac story:

And from the biggest file we have … Reverend Terence McAlinden – while employed as a youth group leader at the Diocese of Trenton in the 1980’s – sexually assaulted Chris Naples numerous times during church-sanctioned trips.  Naples has filed suit, but according to the diocese lawyer, the church is not responsible because the rapist was technically “off the clock” during those particular incidents.

Yeah, well in their defense, the Catholic Church has had a long standing “Who you fuck on your own time is none of our business” policy, haven’t they?

Indeed they have … The ‘off duty’ excuse prompted one of the justices to ask: “How do we determine when a priest IS and IS NOT on duty?” … The defense lawyer replied: “You can determine a priest is not on duty when he is [abusing] a child, for example”  … So they have a Pedophile Scotsman Policy.  “Clock out if your cock’s out.”

I feel the need to point out that that was a real quote.  The lawyer really said that.  He wasn’t a priest at that time because, by definition, priests don’t have their dicks in kids.  He was a priest between thrusts, sure…

Running out of clever titles for pedophile stories:

And in “Spiritual Death by Chocolate” news tonight, several raging Muslim lunatics are left with creme egg on their faces this week when it turned out their fatwa against a candy bar may have been premature.  The story began last month when the Malaysian Ministry of Health demanded a recall that led to a fatwa against Cadbury.  At first I thought it was inspired by the fact that there’s no logical place to start eating those fucking creme eggs without splurting sugar sperm all over your chin, in which case I’d have been behind it entirely, but it turns out it was actually prompted by the detection of a few molecules of pork.

What I like to do for breakfast, is break two or three creme eggs over bacon and toast.  That way you can wipe up the sugar sperm with the extra toast.

Every sperm is sacred… Now, I know it’s hard to imagine Muslims getting the science wrong, but it turns out they didn’t adequately control for contamination.  Upon rectifying that oversight, the tests came back negative.  So yes, Malaysia is safe from spiritually deficient demon swine once again.  Now maybe the country that ranks between Libya and Syria on the human development index can move on to removing the piss from the tap water.

Or maybe they can spend a few days finding that fucking airplane!!!  It’s not as if it’s a tiny packet of fucking peanuts.

These new data have done little to slow down boycotts and demonstrations against the company.  When asked if the new findings were enough to exonerate the chocolatier, a spokesman for the Association of Islamic Consumers said (quote), “If we were the kind of people that changed our positions because of evidence, we wouldn’t be religious.”

Fatwa issued against Cadbury chocolate:

And finally tonight, in “Have Your Cock and Eat it too” news, the Colorado Civil Rights Commission has ruled that Jack Phillips – owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop – must stop discriminating against gay people by refusing to make wedding cakes for same-sex marriages.  Incidentally, such marriages don’t technically exist in Colorado yet, despite their very liberal stance on what can and can’t be put into baked goods.  And just to be clear, they draw the line after marijuana, but before a second cock.  Jason Biggs would have been safe.

I bet he never thought fucking that pie would be the high point of his career.

Dude wouldn’t have lasted a day on The Creek … So let’s recap: Phillips puts flower-shaped dollops of pink icing on cakes for a living, but refuses to be involved with gay stuff in any way whatsoever.  Sounds like the demand for homosexual food service isn’t being met in Colorado … So let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for a Gay Catering Business” … GO!!!

Circle Jerked Chicken

“Pie a la Mo”

Adam’s Apple Upside Down Cake?  Made with fresh tranny apples?

Don’t mix up the tops and bottoms … What about: “Five Guys Sharing Ass…Burgers and Fries”?

I think you could have just stopped at “Five Guys”… how about “Squeals on Wheels: All the pillow you can bite for one low price”

Tossed Fruit Salad … Some people prefer jelly … Most likely “Felch’s Grape”

I only like it with Peanut Bugger.

Like those gay cream pies … What are they called? … FlufferNutters in the Butter

How about Santorum-balls?

Man on Manchester Tart??? … Queer-a-misu???

A little “Queef Brisket” for the Lesbian menu

BrownEye Rounds: Donut-Shaped Fudge-Packed Brownies

Chubway Footlongs?  Or you can get the really big ones and circumcise a little bit at a time.

“Epstein’s Barbecue: Smokin’ Pole Food”

“Rusty Trombone Appetit”

“Two Guys, One Cupcake”

If I’m not mistaken, two girl-one cup references are to our headlines as fat ladies are to operas, so I guess that does it for tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will be here to discuss the new film “Little Mister Monkeyshines”



Before we abdicate the throne tonight I wanted to let everyone know we’re getting damn close to our five hundred dollar an episode Patreon goal.  For those who don’t know, when we hit $500 we’re gonna make a go at doubling the length of the show so if you want more us, we’re only about thirty three bucks shy now, you can get us closer by visiting Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and making a per episode donation.

Also want to remind everybody that I was on the most recent episode of The Imaginary Friends Show podcast, that’s episode one eighty two of Jake’s fine show, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for this episode.  Had a blast with Pete Darwin and Ross from the Skeptically Challenged Podcast, and you’re invited to listen to that blast at your convenience.

I also wanted to remind everyone that every time somebody buys a copy of “Diatribes, Volume One: Fifty Essays from a Godless Misanthrope”, an angel gets his wings… and then gets them thumbtacked to a cork board for a fourth grade science project.  You’ll find links to buy both the ebook and the paperback at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Can’t shut it down without thanking Heath for boldly going where no abortion joke has gone before; I need to thank Lucinda for inexplicably failing to divorce me by now, I want to thank Paul from the Quranify Me podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote… and if you haven’t checked out his show yet, be sure to check the shownotes for a handy link.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most interesting persons of interest, Dave, Wayne, Derrick, Andrew, David, Mark, Allen, Matthew, Richard, Michael, Z and other Michael.  Dave, Wayne and Derrick, whose strength would be the standard unit of measurement horses would use if horses built cars; Andrew, David and Mark, whose erections are engorged with enough blood to feed a family of vampires on Thanksgiving; Allen, Matthew and Richard, whose cocks are so big even Galactus just works the tip; and Michael, Z and other Michael, whose names god calls out when he comes.

These twelve well-meaning, well-endowed well-wishers have swelled our well-being this week by giving us money.  Giving us money takes courage, dedication and two and a half to three minutes, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but you forgot the combination to your mattress, you can also help us out by leaving us a review on iTunes or Stitcher or other places as you see fit.  Also, sharing our show on Facebook and Twitter and stuff is a great way to prune the humorless asshats.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.


Episode 67 – Partial Transcript

May 29, 2014 5 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.





Warning: The book of Proverbs says you shouldn’t listen to people of my gender… but fuck that book.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Prostate Farm: Anal Virginity Single Prayer Health Insurance: Where you can bet your ass that we’ll pay your claim.  Are you worried about the rectal risk of sending your children to church but still insist on sending them to church anyway?  Are you afraid they might turn the other cheek the wrong way?

Well then let Prostate Farm cover your ass.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s May 29th,

And whole milk is still better.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

And I’m Heath Enwright.  And from the city nicknamed after the fruit that brought you gravity; New York, New York,

And the state nicknamed after the one that looks like an ass, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Redneck preachers getting bit by poisonous snakes will get so common we don’t even bother to cover it in the headlines,
  • God will punish me for that time I had an abortion,
  • And Lucinda will join us to discuss Proverbs in this week’s Pope-rah’s Book Club

But first, the diatribe.



I’ve got an analogy for you.  Imagine you’ve got an aunt named Millie.  And you were close to her when you were a kid, but in the last decade you only ran into her once at a wedding or something.  And now imagine that Aunt Millie dies.

But your cousin Bob, who’s Millie’s only child, decides that he doesn’t want you to go through all the grief of losing your beloved aunt so he doesn’t tell you she died… ever.  In fact, he goes out of his way to mislead you.  He makes excuses for why she never shows up at family reunions, he tells you she doesn’t answer her phone any more because she’s convinced it’ll give her cancer, he sends you Christmas cards with her signature forged onto them.  All in an effort to keep you from grieving.

So the question is; is Bob doing you a favor?

Now before you answer, let me add another layer to it.  Imagine after a while the charade gets so wacky that you’re on the phone with Bob and you’re saying, “Wait a minute… she went back to pan more gold in Brazil even after the ocelot attack?” and it suddenly occurs to you that Bob might be full of shit.  So you start having doubts and you ask him point blank; “Is Aunt Millie dead?”.  But even then, he keeps lying to you.  Doesn’t matter how elaborate of half-ass his answers get, he keeps up the act.

So I’ll ask you again, is Bob doing you a favor?

And I’ll also interrupt you again before you have a chance to answer, because to be thorough, I need to add one more layer to the analogy.  Bob has to get something out of this for himself.  So now imagine that up until now, every year you’ve sent Aunt Millie a really nice present on her birthday and on Christmas; and Bob’s been selling the gifts on Ebay and pocketing the money.  He justifies it by telling himself that he works really hard to keep you from grieving and it’s a small price to ask for all his effort.

Now, I don’t need to ask you again because even before I started adding all the layers to it, you already knew that Bob was being an asshole… a well meaning asshole, maybe, but an asshole nonetheless.  It’s not for him to decide if you can handle Aunt Millie’s death.  He’s robbed you of your ability to grieve for her.  What’s worse, he’s taken away the quintessential reminder of the impermanence of the people we love.  What if knowing about Aunt Millie’s death would have driven you closer to Uncle Paul and Aunt Gretchen?  What if you’d have otherwise been inspired to start a charity in her name, or take care of her favorite dog… or live in the comfort of knowing she’ll never break into your house again and molest your ferret.  Whatever.  Doesn’t matter.

Look, if we want to spread atheism we need to confront the issue of death.  Not only do we need to confront it; we need to embrace it.  We need to fall in love with mortality and sell it.

Of course, if you have no interest in spreading atheism, feel free to disregard everything I’m saying.  You’re under no obligation to devangelize.  But if that’s your goal, you need to find ways to help people put away their immortal security blanket.  Because when we say, “Your religion is stupid”, what they hear is, “that hope that you’ll see your favorite dog and your grandma and the son you lost to leukemia is stupid.”

Now, I don’t think that means we should say their religion is stupid, because the idea that you’re gonna see your dog and your grandma and your kid is stupid, but we need to understand why so many people are so scared to agree.  One way we can do this is by pointing out that religion doesn’t actually help you grieve, but the other is to help people understand that mortality is a good thing.  It’s the greatest motivating factor on the planet.  It’s the only reason we sometimes have to forgive and to reconcile.

Obviously we can’t offer them eternal life in paradise with virgins and mansions and shit because we’re limited to the truth.  But it’s like Sam Harris says; when you learned that [spoiler alert] Santa Claus wasn’t real the truth that replaced it was nowhere near as fun, but at least there was a truth to replace it.  We can’t afford to avoid this topic.

Think about all the people that you love, that you plan on outliving.  And next time you say goodbye to them, remind yourself that this could be the last time.  And next time you say hello to them, treat them like they just returned from the dead.  That’s something you can only do if you let go of the afterlife; when we keep mortality in the front of our minds instead of burying it behind religions and superstitions and pithy bravado.  Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we all just admitted that we’re all going to die.



Joining me for headlines tonight is stickler with a smart phone, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to share your latest fact-bomb victory?

You must be referring to how I “Snopes-ed” the shit out of some guy at the bar the other day.  He was trying to impress this woman talking about being a scientist.  He used the general term “scientist”.  Already suspect.  

He’s a “Just Scientist?”  Really?  “Oh, I study sciencography… you know, the science of… things and stuff”

And, he bothered me earlier by ordering a drink using well above the 10-syllable max for dudes.  And then he mentioned he was a devout Christian, and loved how science coincides with the Bible.

You know, those rabbits and their cud

So I absolutely couldn’t let him go, when he started talking about “glass actually being a liquid, which they discovered by looking at the window panes at cathedrals, that were thicker on the bottom.”  No – it’s a solid.  it’s technically an “amorphous solid”, but you didn’t even know that, so it doesn’t count.  But it has a melting point, so it’s clearly not a liquid!!!    

But as if he wasn’t already wrong enough, the whole thing about the cathedral windows being thicker at the bottom is bullshit anyway.  So even if we grant him the bullshit on both sides of his bullshit equation, it’s still bullshit.

In our lead story tonight, from the “Shady Antebellum” file: Reginald Wayne Miller – president and founder of the totally-real-sounding Cathedral Bible College in South Carolina – was placed under house arrest, after receiving charges of felony-level ‘slavery and exploitation’.

I guess at a certain point you’ve really gotta do some crazy shit to stand out.  Reggie’s sitting around thinking, “fucking kids has been done to death… the Vatican has money laundering, the Pentecostals have snake felatio, the Muslims have throwing acid on innocent women… What about slavery?  Is anybody else doing slavery?”

Wow really???  Baby slavery’s taken?!?  What about regular slavery?  Yeah- Shotgun!!! Whip!!! … So Miller’s legal defense team plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify the slavery and exploitation.  The prosecution – on the other hand – plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify slavery and exploitation … So those clearly don’t count, right?!?

And here’s the most fucked up thing… if the allegations are true (and he’s white so they probably are) there wasn’t even an actual college.  He sets up this faux school for the express purpose of bringing exchange students over, putting them to work for between a buck fifteen an hour and nothing an hour, and revoked the student visas of the kids that complained.  And I only point this out because biblical apologists like seem to think there’s good slavery and bad slavery so you have to be specific about what kind of slavery you’re dealing with.  In this case; bad.

Now to the untrained South Carolina eye, Miller was simply running a legitimate indentured servitude Christian agri-business.  However, his 2006 charge of exposing himself to an undercover agent at a bath house doesn’t help bolster his “At least it wasn’t sexual slavery” defense.  “Human trafficking sex plantation?!?  Who’s talking about HTSP’s?!?  You brought that up!!!  You guys knew that acronym.”

South Carolina Bible College president placed under detention for slavery and exploitation:

And in “I’ll Render Unto Whoever I Want” news tonight, a federal judge in Kentucky has ordered the secular nonprofit American Atheists to go fuck themselves this week by dismissing a lawsuit that sought to hold the IRS accountable for its prejudicial policies regarding churches.  This is not a “tax the churches” suit; though I’d be behind it every bit as much if it was.  Rather, this suit challenges the preferential treatment and lack of transparency that the IRS exclusively affords to religious nonprofits.

Oh, right … The single most important political issue on the atheist platform!!!  The hole we could plug, and save billions in stolen tax revenue every year!!!  Are the employees of God really claiming they won’t take a pay cut?  Are they supposed to get paid?!?  

As is often the case in lawsuits like this, the question is one of standing: Is American Atheist harmed by this policy?  U.S. District Judge William O. Bertelsman says no, and in a remarkable display of cognitive dissonance he justifies it by pointing out that American Atheist might be able to gain classification as a religious organization.  <<So?>> Right!  That’s like dismissing a racial discrimination suit on the basis of the plaintiff being pretty light skinned for a black dude.

“Dude just lie about your heritage, and learn to (talk like this) … You’ll be fine.  Case dismissed.”

Further demonstrating their impressive “getting it” deficit; lawyers for the IRS pointed out that it couldn’t be a discriminatory policy because it was available to all people who are religious, regardless of their preferred space-dessert.

Federal judge dismisses atheist suit against IRS:

And in “The asshole doesn’t fall far from the tree” news, Senator Ted Cruz’s father, pastor Rafael Cruz – in his expert capacity as the sphincter tree in that analogy – was a featured Tea Note Speaker at a conservative political conference held by a certain society … I don’t believe I have to mention it’s name … I will anyway … It’s the “Family Research KKKouncil”.

Okay, so the dude who spawned self-identified “proud wacko bird” Ted “The UN is coming for the golf courses” Cruz, speaking to a group of bigots on behalf of a hate group?  I bet he said something poignant.  Was it poignant?

I do not think that word means … what you think it means.  Here’s Cruz the Elder’s inconceivably poignant thesis: Ever since we stopped forcing Christianity on public school students, it’s led to nothing but moral decay and teen pregnancy.  No question 1963 was a tough year for many white Christians in the South.  Bible study was out the door at public schools, and black people were in the door … Maybe not the same door, but baby steps.  

Who knows… in another hundred years, maybe they’ll even desegregate the churches.

Now the ensuing decade of moral decay must have been great … And I don’t doubt the teen pregnancy numbers were high … But the teen parent numbers must have levelled off after Roe v. Wade, just nine years later … So it’s all good.  We did that for you!!!  Irresponsible pregnant teens can get abortions now.  You’re welcome!!!

Yeah, there should really be a rule that you’re not allowed to be against both the problem and the solution.

Ted Cruz’s dad is also a dumbfuck:

And from the “Right Wing Hobby-Lobbyist” file, we’ve got a quick follow up to a news item we covered in episode 62 of this fine program.  As you may or may not recall, Hobby Lobby president Steve Green is peddling a bible curriculum for public schools which, despite being a bible curriculum for public schools has been adopted by the school district closest to his company’s headquarters.  They claim it’s a “bible as literature” course, and therefore legal, but those possessing cognition doubted that assertion.

I wouldn’t say the “as literature” part is the problem, although that’s ridiculous too, because it’s terrible literature.  But does it really matter if it’s “Bible as Literature”, or “Bible as a Treasure Map”, or “Bible as a Way to Win Friends and Influence People”???  

Well, look, maybe we should learn about the Bible in school… it’s important to our history, our literature, our culture… but among the extensive but far from exhaustive list of church/state violations the FFRF discovered in the textbook were things like chapter headings like “How do we know that the Bible’s historical narratives are reliable?”, claims that the bible created feminism, the inclusion of Christian apologetics around the nastier bits, the complete lack of recognition of non-Protestant Christianity, and a fundie-friendly rewriting of America’s founding.

Leading the Jehovah’s Witness a little bit there … “How do we know the Jews stopped beating their wives, only a few short centuries after they created feminism?”

Now, if you’re one of our many listeners that studies Oklahoma state regulations in their spare time, you may be wondering how the hell this curriculum is only now coming to light, despite the fact that it has already been adopted by a school board.  After all, by state law, all school board meetings must be open to the public.  Well, as it turns out, it only counts as a meeting if more than 50% of the school board is present, so on the advice of the morally upstanding Steve Green, they just split them into two groups when they discussed it.  Because as any orthodox Jew will tell you, god loves him some loopholes.

Follow up on Hobby Lobby Bible curriculum:

And in “Bible Belt Turniquet” news, after three recent heroin smuggling incidents at Daviess County Jail in Owensboro, Kentucky, Sheriff Keith Cain and Jailer David Osborne – not wanting to get their hands (and lower arms) dirty being thorough – opted instead for wishing the drug away really hard.  But this time, the wishing took place in a church … and this is a new strategy … so we’ll see what happens.

See, this is where Baptists just fails.  When you’ve got a problem with people hiding things in their ass, what you really need is a Catholic.

So ‘Prayer’ loses to everything in “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Prayer” … But even if these guys were doing this on their own time without technically wasting taxpayer money (and that’s not really true) … They certainly are selling Christianity pretty hard at their “Church and State Pen”, to a very captive audience.  And you probably don’t wanna give Bibles to convicts too much.

Yeah, cause they’ll hide their rock hammer in it.

500 yards of bullshit doesn’t compare though …  I’m reading it now, and the morality in the Old Testament so far is fucked up!!!  If anything, we should be forcing a peaceful religion on inmates, like what’s the opposite of Judaism? … Islam.

Christians solve heroin problem with prayer:

And in “Didn’t he used to run England?” news tonight, former celebrity Toni Braxton has scribbled a new autobiography, in which she explains that her son’s autism is almost certainly a punishment from god for having an abortion.  Strangely, she didn’t comment on what god was punishing her son for by giving him a mother that’s such a horrible bitch that she would publicly describe her child as retribution.

The dude you’re thinking of … who used to be King of England … Pretty sure that’s Margaret Thatcher.

I know it’s hard to believe that something so stupid could come from the inimitable wordsmith that penned such brilliant lyrics as “Oh baby, oh baby, I can hardly wait to see your face; Oh baby, oh baby, heartbreak is gonna be the case,” but she goes on to explain that her parent’s divorce and her own lupus diagnosis were also divine vengeance.

Divorce and lupus?!?  Really?!?  Do you hear that?  It’s the world’s shittiest violin, playing shitty, sad Toni Braxton music for shitty, sad Toni Braxton.  Birth a child that isn’t too logical to love you, and we’ll talk.  Oh, you can’t???

Braxton walked back the comments amid a firestorm of criticism, saying, (quote) “When my youngest son was diagnosed with autism I feared that I was being punished for my earlier actions.  I have since realized what a calloused scut that makes me look like,” (end quote)

Toni Braxton: My Autistic kid is punishment from god for having an abortion:

And finally tonight, Atheist rappers Greydon Square and Tombstone da Deadman will perform in concert on July 26 in Temple Hills, Maryland, staging the event in collaboration with Grand Unified – a science-spreading artist collective.

Seems like more of a “calendar” segment than a “headline” segment”.  Unless, of course…

Well that is pretty much the whole story, so I could vamp for 30 seconds … And that could go downhill really quick … Or instead, we could spend that same amount of time listing “Ideas for Atheist and Religious Music Festivals” … GO!!!

Oh good… I was afraid you were gonna say “Rappers” and I’d have to reveal just how white I was.  How about the “Apostate Fair”?

I’ll start by cheating.  Had these already.  These are my personal hypothetical atheist rapper aliases: Notorious BIG Bang and Scientific Method Man

Maybe a Buddhist fest called “Nirvana-roo”…

Lots of big, naked, buddhists with eightfold paths, listening to KoAni DiFrancoFree Tibetter Than Ezra


All-4-One With Everything?

Maybe William Lane Craig could have an Apologetics Festival and call it “South by Northwest”

I heard Fitty Shekels and Kanye West Bank were gonna be at “Gathering of the Tribes” … Jewish …

Fitty Shekels… love it.  “Oy vey can you see?”  Anyway, how about the “Warped Logic Tour”?

What about a Puritan music fest? … Burning Woman at the Stake

“We wanted to see Motley Crucifix, but we ended up getting stuck with a set of Three Nine Inch Nails.”

Or Ray Comfort could host a creationism one; “Bananaroo”.

Phil Collins and the … I Can’t Dancers in Genesis ???

Or maybe… and we should maybe actually do this one… a festival to raise money for secular education for women in Muslim countries called, “Malala-palooza?”

Gotta assume there’s already some kind of shitty lute fest and humus mash-off called “Halal-apalooza”.

I thought there was no true festival but “Allah”-palooza.

And despite being completely irrelevant now, I’m sure they’ll bring up “Benghazi Ozbourne” …

Maybe the Arab gangsta rap giants “Sand NWA” …

By the way ladies, be careful to avoid the acid at Allah-palooza.

Atheist Rapper Concert:

Alright, well now that we can be sure we’ve offended everyone, I think we can close out headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll learn that after Psalms, we can take just about anything.



Babble – Proverbs

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a “proverb” as “a brief, popular saying that gives advice about how people should live”, but the biblical definition is more like a “statement of indeterminate length that expresses a notion that is either common-sense, true by merit of definition, or painfully, ridiculously wrong.”  Chocked full of important nuggets like, “The clever do things intelligently, while the fool displays folly”, Proverbs does distinguish itself for being, at best, the least horrible book in the bible so far.

And it’s basically a lucky famous person giving stupid advice, because he confused covariance and causality.  It’s King Solomon explaining how if we all heed the lord’s wisdom, then everyone will become the extremely wealthy King of Israel, just like him.  See – it works!!!

So joining us to discuss a book that spends about 8% of its words warning us about the dangers of listening to women is a woman.  Specifically, my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

I am woman, hear me roar!

So despite being recently told by an inerrant book that the true purpose of a wife is to make sure that I (quote) “let your breasts satisfy me at all times” (end quote), we’re gonna talk about the bible instead.  You mind starting us off?

  • At first I was thinking to myself, “Who named this book?  Alanis Morissette?  Aren’t proverbs supposed to be short?”
    • Right and instead we get unnecessarily long restatements of the same thing over and over again.  They’re more like… con-verbs, or whatever.
  • So these are ancient words of wisdom, and the very first one basically says: “If a bunch of dudes invite you to go ambush and murder some innocent people with them … Don’t do that.”  So right off the bat, Solomon really drops some insight on us.      
  • And even when you shave it down to a pithy sentence, it’s still bad advice.  Chapter two, for example, tells us that as long as we fear god and seek wisdom <<which are mutually exclusive goals>> we’ll never have to worry about having raunchy, sinful naked time.
  • And chapter three teaches us that the true goals of wisdom should be living a really long time and getting rich.
  • “Lean not on your own understanding, do not be wise in your own eyes, and pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”  So basically, don’t let judgment cloud your …  judgment.
  • Yeah, something of a pattern emerges right away.  About 90% of the proverb is reminding you to pay attention to this proverb because it’s really, really important, and the other 10% vaguely tells you not to be wicked… without really defining wicked.
    • Right.  It’s like the verbose Leviticus.
  • I don’t know, though, chapter five is pretty on message.  It says, “beware vaginas”.
    • But it also expressly endorses titty-fucking.
  • As long as you “push in” at the last second.
  • And I want to point out that whoever wrote chapter six was very familiar with the price of a hooker.  
    • Yeah, and it was only a loaf of bread back then, so I guess the ancient world wasn’t all bad.
  • These days, with Atkins, it’s a meatloaf.  Also in this chapter: (quote) “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him” (end quote) … Weird fucking way to present a list of 7 things … Anyway, most of them are pretty bad things like spilling innocent blook, lying, scheming, etcetera.  But one of them … One of the seven things God could is capable of hating … is “haughty eyes”.
  • This book is so obsessed with who you do and don’t fuck that through the first seven chapters it reads like the dorky guy who’s trying to explain why he never gets laid, “Well, yeah, there were a bunch of hotties down at the square begging me to fuck ‘em again tonight… you know, they’re all ‘I perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloe and cinammon; come let us take our fill of love until morning’… but I stayed righteous.”
  • I fucked this girl from Moab at camp last summer.  You wouldn’t know her.  She lives a few tribes over.  
  • Then in chapter eight we meet god’s wife, I think.
  • And apparently she has a nice house and she invites stupid people in.
  • And then finally, after nine chapters of, “I swear I’m really smart and you should listen to me” bullshit, we get some actual proverbs.
    • And apparently god sucks at proverbs.  I mean, George Lucas wrote better wisdom than this.  Couldn’t the guy that made Confucius come up with a few that would stick?
  • There’s no puns, no rhymes, no wordplay of any kind.  It’s a long, terrible, completley unclever version of Animaniacs’ “Good Idea, Bad Idea” segment …  “Good Idea: Don’t be a mocker.  Bad Idea: Mock.”  Unforgettably eloquent stuff like that.
  • Right.  Chapter Eleven has 31 proverbs and they’re all variations on “Being righteous is preferable to being wicked.”  Really?  You’re divinely instructing your people and that’s all you bring?
  • Yeah, you even get tautological shit like Chapter 12, verse 5 “The thoughts of the righteous are just; the advice of the wicked is treacherous.”  So… evil people are evil.  Thanks for clearing that up.  No room for oral hygiene in this book, but we cleared up the whole, ‘are evil people evil?’ question.
  • Thirteen has some really good advice on beating your children…
  • Yeah, the advice is: “Beat your children with a rod.”
    • Yeah, but just in case you didn’t get it then, they restate the pro-child beating case in chapters 19, 22, 23 and 29.
    • And also there’s some good slave-beating advice in chapter 29.
  • Perhaps my favorite, though, is 14:20 which states… (I shit you not) “The poor are disliked, even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.”  That’s the whole thing.  Be rich and people will like you more.
  • Seems to be working for the Jews quite nicely ever since.  Who doesn’t like the Jews?  They’ve got all that gold.  
  • And a lot of focus on the “wise people are smart, fools are stupid” proverb.  It’s restated maybe 50 times in the first fifteen chapters.
  • Yeah, I’m willing to say that the tales of Solomon’s wisdom were greatly exaggerated.
    • Well, he was the king… so who’s gonna argue.  “Split a baby in half?  That’s a great idea, your highness.”  I picture him gorging on a turkey leg and a virgin, yelling, “Scribe!  I have another one of those smart thingies for you.  ‘Sometimes there is a way that seems to be right… but… um… in the end it is the way to death.’  Write that down.  And put a little skull next to ‘death’… or no, make that the E in death… a little skull.”
  • And he continues to be the inept minstrel that keeps missing the rhyme.  “Good is good, and bad is bad.  Evil stuff makes God real … pissed- SHIT!!!  I suck at this!!! I’m such and idiot!!!”
  • In seventeen we learn that it’s immoral to flog people for having integrity and we also learn that people in general should shut the fuck up.
  • Apparently living alone is wicked, by the way.  Never realized that, but it is.
  • Every morning, I take a naked shit, with the door open, while drinking milk from the carton … Then it gets ugly.  Didn’t have a google suggestion this week.  Figured I’d just leave you with that image.
  • Here and there there’s a weird one and a couple of times you get actual good advice, but most of them fall into one of three themes: Sit down and shut up; Stupid people are even worse than poor people; and evilness is evil.
    • A lot of “god will fuck your shit up”, too.
  • And since these are all attributed to kings, there’s also a lot of, “How awesome are kings?” ones too.
  • We also learn repeatedly that lying is bad.
  • It’s so boring, in fact, that if you’re not careful, you’ll miss the good blow job jokes.  For instance, after the enigmatic proverb that tells us that lazy people say that the streets are filled with random lions, we get this gem,  Chapter 22, verse 14 “The mouth of a loose woman is a deep pit.”
  • Or a shallow pit, but it’s really wide.  I don’t judge.  They also mention that you’re not supposed to fuck with the property lines by moving ancient boundary stones.  “Maybe I wasn’t clear earlier.  I’m God … And I’m giving all the oil to the Jews …  So it’s very important that they get to keep all this shitty-seeming dessert land, that I’ve marked off here.”
  • And then we’re back to stupid shit like warnings that stingy people’s bread will make you puke and kids who don’t get beaten regularly will burn in hell.
    • It also says that prostitutes are deep pits and adultresses are narrow wells, so apparently they’re saying if you’re gonna fuck around, try to get the tighter vagina of an adulteress before settling for a hooker.
  • And in twenty four… or actually about halfway through chapter twenty three, we made a hard left out of the realm of pithy and onto just somebody saying something.
  • Oh, and by the way, and apparently this is important, when you start eating honey, stop before you vomit.
  • If you vomit, or hit the East River, you’ve gone too far.  That’s helpful.
    • Good thing god was around to inspire Solomon to tell Hezekiah to write this shit down.
  • By chapter twenty six they’ve entirely run out of shit to say and start repeating earlier proverbs verbatim.
    • Yeah, but if I’m not mistaken, chapter twenty six also has the bible’s first reference to dog vomit… so there’s some new shit sprinkled in there as well.
  • And it’s such a weird mix of shit.  Like in twenty seven we get a bit of generally good advice about not being a dick to your friends and then we close off with god telling you not to worry about the goat’s milk, because he’s got that covered.
  • And even the stuff that sounds wise isn’t.  Like 28:1, “The wicked flee when no one pursueth…” right, but they also flee when people do pursueth.  Because if they weren’t fleeing, you couldn’t exactly pursue them.  You’d just walk over there or something.
  • And righteous pitchfork mobs don’t just “walk over there”.  So correctly anticipating a lynch mob attack and going somewhere else, is evil???
  • And sometimes it seems like they don’t understand that the two clauses in a proverb should be at least tangentially related.  In 29:3, for example; “A child who loves wisdom makes a parent glad, but to keep company with prostitutes is to squander one’s substance.”  Fucking what!?  We go from making our parents proud to not wasting perfectly good semen in prostitutes?
  • If you’re not getting A’s in school, you might as well be coming on a hooker’s back.  Useful, everyday, false duality to guide your study habits and sperm targeting behavior.
  • In 30 we learn that if you disobey your parents, vultures will eat your brains.
    • In the King James it’s ravens plucking out your eyes and feeding them to eagles.
  • And then after they finished the whole book, King Lemuel shows up with a poem that his mom wrote and said, “I want this one to be in the book, too.”
    • And the whole thing is a ridiculous stereotype of Jewish moms.  It starts off with her saying, “Don’t drink too much”, moves on to her asking when he’s gonna find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with and then ends by telling him how awesome he is.

And then it mercifully ends a hundred and nineteen chapters earlier than Psalms did.  And while it seems more like something that belongs in a book of wisdom, it did leave me wishing god would go ahead and genocide somebody again or something.  This book is getting boring even for this book.

I’d just like to point out that this book ends with an Epilogue about a wife of noble character… which is basically a list of shit she has to do with a smile on her face.  She may not be charming and she may not be pretty but if she fears the lord you should praise her…. because apparently fear will make her get shit done.

So that does it for the Babble.  We’ll be back in three weeks with Ecclesiastes, which I hear is by far the least bad book in the Bible, so that one might be harder to make fun of, but we’ll make due, I’m sure.



Before we reach for the washcloth tonight, I wanted to congratulate a friend of mine on a pretty significant milestone.  Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast is about to record his 100th episode.  Among his many podcasting accolades is the fact that he was the first person to ever interview Heath and me about this show.  So huge congrats to him on number one hundred, which I recommend you download and listen to when it’s available and not just because he invited us back on to temporarily join in the festivities.

And speaking of shows that I’ll be on soon that you should be listening to even when I’m not on them, rumor has it that I’ll also be joining Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show this week, should be available over the weekend.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with the incomparable Eli Bosnick to discuss the new film “Heaven is For Real” so be sure to have your popcorn ready for that one.  Until then, you can keep up with us on the blog, on Facebook, on Twitter and on Google Plus.

I need to thank Heath once more for always having 190 seconds to spare for a segment called “30 seconds on the clock”; I need to thank Lucinda for powering through books of the bible post-op; and, of course, I need to thank Shawn from Alberta for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and Ukulele solo.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most bestest people in the whole wide world; David, Wally, Greg, Steve, Colin, Laura, Goran, Troy, Jeff with a “J”, SharpestOne, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”.  David, Wally and Greg, whose cocks are available by prescription only in the state of Georgia; Steve, Colin and Laura, who are so intelligent that the next incarnation of personal communication devices might be referred to as “Steve, Colin and Laura”-phones; Goran, Troy and Jeff with a “J”, who are so legendary they named a planet, an ancient empire and a Lebowski after them, respectively; and Sharpest One, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”, who intergalactically notorious ninjutsu solves the Fermi Paradox.

These twelve paradisaic paragons have helped us paralyze a few more paragraph of paranoid parables from parasitic paranormalists this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the altruism, benevolence and discretionary income needed to give us money, but if you’d like to join the ranks of our financial supporters, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help, but you only like us as a friend, you can also help us a ton by giving us a sterling review on iTunes, Stitcher or the nearest church’s bulletin board.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode except Shawn’s ukulele bit was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 66 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)

Link to Episode




Warning: These guys use the F word like motherfuckers.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new walk-in circumcision service, Adjust the Tip.

Are you planning to celebrate the birth of your infant son by mutilating his genitals, but you don’t want to get blood and herpes all over your living room?  Wouldn’t you be more comfortable bringing your child to a Rabbi’s house, that has a dungeon for that specific purpose?  Then come on down to Adjust the Tip: Adjust for a second … Adjust to see how it feels.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s May 22nd,

And according to our sources: Tucan Sam leaps on the back of the wind.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from the unofficial capital of the world, New York, New York…

And home of the world’s second largest kumquat, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Sudan decides to murder a hostage in response to “Draw Mohammed Day”;
  • We’ll learn the dil-dos and dildon’ts of life in rural Georgia;
  • And an autistic kid is back on the subway posters. Could this be the work of the Rain Man Maker?

But first, the diatribe.



So it’s Sunday afternoon and it’s gorgeous outside and I hadn’t settled on what to do this week’s diatribe about yet, so when I wandered out of the store and saw the little church group set up in the parking lot, I said, “what the hell?” and I mosied over.  Three women and an old man, all wearing matching teal shirts with something about Jesus on the breast of them.  And they had a little sign that said, “Do you have questions?  Let us help you find the answer in Christ,” so technically, they were asking for it.

Cause I do have questions.  I wasn’t going over there to fuck with them… or, more accurately, I wasn’t just going over there to fuck with them.  I really do have questions.  I didn’t grow up in a particularly religious household so there’s fundamental shit about the Christian doctrine that makes no sense to me at all.

So I smiled and said hi.  And I told them in advance that I was an atheist.  I even warned them that I wasn’t looking for a religion or anything, but I did have a lot of questions about the tenets of Christianity.  And three of them smiled and the other lady went to get a Coke.  And bifocal lady was really nice at first and she said, “We’ll answer you if we can.”

So I lead off with what I considered a softball.  I asked them, “What does it mean that Jesus died for my sins?”

She launches into the whole original sin thing and tells me about how we’re all born with sin and we all fall short, but lucky for us god made the ultimate sacrifice and sent his only begotten son to die for us so that we could be redeemed.

And I agreed that yes, those were all words and all, but they didn’t really answer my question.  And while we’re on the subject, how, exactly, is god making a sacrifice here?  He lives in Heaven.  When Jesus died, he ascended to god’s house.  So… where’s the sacrifice?  It’s like Jesus was active duty.

But she wasn’t quite tangled in her theological web yet so she kept weaving.  See, Jesus was god and all the suffering he went through on the cross was actually god suffering.  So not only did he have to let his kid go to camp for a really long time, but he also had to be brutally murdered.  Ergo, ultimate suffering.

So I reminded her that murder doesn’t really count if you get to come back to life three days later so at best, he was brutally tortured. But even if we call it murder, it’s not like Jesus’s crucifixion makes the top billion of the worst suffering of all time, does it?  If you gave me the choice between being crucified or dying of pancreatic cancer I’d bring my own nails.  And I that’s even if I don’t get to rise again at the head of a zombie army after three days.  So what’s so ultimate about Jesus’s suffering?  Fuck, Caligula used to have people executed by having them cut a thousand times over several days.  Nero used to crucify people and set them on fire.  So Jesus’s suffering wasn’t even all that bad compared to what Romans were doing around that time.

And really, when you consider that he didn’t actually die, his suffering is basically on par with an elbow tattoo.  I’d argue that Jesus suffered significantly less than, say, that dude in Iowa that had the hiccups for sixty years.  And nobody goes around saying “Charles Osborne hiccuped for your sins” or anything.

And how does one guy suffering abdicate another guy from responsibilities for his sins?  And just who set up all this “humanity redeeming” red tape that god had to navigate?  And if the sins are preloaded software, what’s god so pissed about?  Didn’t he write the software?  Does this even make any sense to the people selling it?

But, of course, I never made it that far into my questions.  At a certain point the old guy cut bifocal lady off and explained at a certain point you have to set your questions aside and just have faith.  At which point I reminded them that their sign specifically asked for questions.  And then he politely asked me to leave.  And then he impolitely asked me to leave.  And then he told me I was going to burn in hell if I didn’t change my evil ways.

So asked for one parting question, and he granted it.  I said, “If you’re not allowed to ask these questions, how do you know you have the right religion.”  He didn’t answer.  But that’s okay… it was rhetorical anyway.



Joining me for headlines tonight is atheism’s most eligible bachelor, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to woo the lovely ladies out there?

I’m just looking for a girl who appreciates both abortion jokes, and abortion (pause) the procedure … Not her, though.  I mean, like … poor people, in general.

In our lead story tonight everyone who keeps saying there’s nothing wrong with Islam needs to shut the fuck up already.  This story comes to us from a nation that’s been in a steady decline since the Canaanites were running the show, Sudan; where a recent court ruling sentenced a pregnant woman to death for the charge of switching allegiance to the wrong hypothetical celestial dictator.

What kind of sentence did the fetus get? … Besides “Lifetime Semi-Orphan”?  While the court decides this stuff, we’ve got this cool “Schroedinger’s Pussy Cat” thing going on in her box.

Wow… a quantum abortion joke with multiple vaginal puns.  That’s, like, eighteen points.  Well played, sir.  Anyway, Meriem Ibrahim was convicted of marrying a Christian man despite being preordained a Muslim at birth, but as a show of civility, they’re going to let her have the baby before they hang her… and in a show of barbarism, they’re also gonna flog her 100 times for fucking her husband first.

Ok good – I was wondering if they were going to address that.  But if you believe she’s going to hell, you don’t give her floggings before a death sentence … That’s a reward, idiots!!!

When you see articles on this story a lot of them get hung up on whether she should really be considered a Muslim at all since she was raised by her single Christian mother, despite the state’s patriarchal system of religious affiliation.  But I don’t want to discuss any of that because it detracts from the only thing that should matter about this story, which is that somebody’s going to die because Allah is as fragile as a fourteen year old when it comes to getting dumped.

Pregnant Sudanese woman sentenced to death for apostasy:

And in “Montana has 2 Senators that are Democrats?” news … Yes it does, and unfortunately the state will continue having 2 such extremely powerful seats, despite Republican Steve Daines, and his sudden ascendance to landslide favorite status against incumbent John Walsh, after said challenger talked six people into voting for him at the Walmart.  And if it was just the Republican thing, that would be fine … I’m a de facto racist too … But this guy is on record preaching for creationism in public schools.

And that’s the problem with letting Montana have senators.  No offense, Montana, but the fucking Bronx doesn’t have two senators and they’ve got more humans than you.

Here’s what Daines had to say during a 2012 interview on Montana Public Radio: (quote) “I think we should […] teach students that there are evolutionary theories, there’s intelligent-design theories, and allow the students to make up their minds.” (end quote) … Evolution and Genesis  aren’t two sides of an argument.  One is a proven narrative of biology on Earth.  The other is a very specific baseless claim about metaphysical origins of existence.  It’s like comparing apples and oranges … to decide which one is better food for unicorns.

But it’s actually worse than that.  It’s like deciding whether you should feed your kids apples or oranges… or unicorns.

Daines added, (quote) “Personally I’d like to teach my kids both sides of the equation there and let them come up to their own conclusion on it.” (end quote) … Now I’m not sure if he subscribes to “Math Theory”, but he just put two completely different things on either side of an equals sign, and wants kids to impossibly choose the better side, using historical calculus or something.

“And I’d also like to teach them about proper genital hygiene and teach them to bleach their dicks every night and let ‘em figure out for themselves…”

As I understand it, some of them eventually learn to clean up after they jerk off.

Montana still allowed to have Senators:

And in “What about the eight commandments I didn’t break?” news tonight, a recent survey adds an exponent to Christian hypocrisy by demonstrating that, to a large extent, Christians are even full of shit about being full of shit.  The study, cleverly titled “I Know What You Did Last Sunday” asked two groups of Americans about their church attendance; one through an online survey and the other over the phone.  And as it turns out, the easier you make it to lie, the higher their self-reporting of church attendance rose.

So they’re also clearly lying about really believing in God.  Or they do believe in God, but they’re so fucking stupid that a temperamental, omnipotent hell-banisher doesn’t scare them enough to tell the truth about stuff.

Of course, we’ve long known that religious people tend to exaggerate their piety on surveys, but these researchers found a clever way to demonstrate this fact.  People are much better at lying when they don’t have to do it to a person.  And the results are unmistakable: the online group reported regular church attendance almost 50% more than the phone survey.

This is just some anonymous survey … They don’t even have anything to gain by lying.  They’re not even good at being bad Christians!!!  If you’re gonna sin and let Jesus retroactively die for it, at least get some bang for your buck.

The survey broke the numbers down by denomination and it turned out that Catholics were slightly more full of shit than protestants, though to their credit, Catholic services are both more boring and more likely to end in anal rape, so who can blame them?

Study shows Americans lie about church attendance:

And in “Bring out your dead!” news, the Amish – and their refusal to follow basic personal and public health procedures – are behind a measles and mumps revival in Ohio.  Considering the group appears to live in 14th-century Europe, plague isn’t far behind.  Unvaccinated missionaries contracted the diseases while passing out “books to read while dying” in places like the Phillipines, which aren’t lucky enough to have entirely cured those yet, like we have here …

I know this is off subject and all… but how the fuck did Amish people they get to the Philippines?  Did they caulk the wagons?  Wire together half a port-o-potty, some sticks and an anthropomorphized volley ball?  Anyway, you were saying… fully preventable outbreak of potentially fatal disease caused by intentionally antiquated doctrine?

Let’s put this particular instance of mass stupidity in perspective … According to the Center for Disease Control: (quote) “Before the measles vaccine became available in 1963, the virus infected about 500,000 Americans a year, causing 500 deaths and 48,000 hospitalizations.” (end quote) … Now that ‘half a million’ number is down to well under 300 cases per year.  But it only works if people take the fucking panacea!!!  Why is that hard to sell?

It’s like a genie asking if you’re sure you don’t want to go for more wishes.  “No, I’m happy with thisy-here eight slice toaster and the new spark plugs for my ridin’ mower.”

I’m curious about one particular facet of this story … What do Amish missionaries do?  What hermetically isolated aboriginal tribe is begging to learn the miracles of their fancy linkin’ log technology? … They’d show up, and have African kids teaching them how to use soap, and dial-up.  Mormons should be visiting the Amish … teaching them to build modern reclusive inbred compounds.

Ohio measles outbreak blamed on Amish missionaries:

And in “But who will feed the chupacabras?” news tonight, it appears the Vatican has already solved all its real problems and can now move on to addressing imaginary ones.  Sources that have websites that look for real and shit report a sharp increase in the training and certification of Catholic exorcists.  The Vatican explains that this is in response to an equivalent rise in demonic possessions.  So despite the nonexistent nature of demonic possession and the ubiquitous knowledge of mental diseases, they’ve elected to stick to the throwing water and chanting school of human psychology.

And the Vatican also noted that “Impostor Exorcists” were becoming a big problem … “Bunch of charlatans who never completed the Vatican’s rigorous exorcism safety course.  We’re trying to sell Sky Cake over here, and these assholes start popping up out of nowhere with unlicensed Sky Baklava!!!  This is bullshit!!!”

The Vatican blames this rise in nonexistent things on another rise in nonexistent things called “the dark arts” that include a mixture of things that do and don’t exist, including black magic, Satanic sacrifices and Ouija boards.  So, yes, according to one of the wealthiest and most influential institutions on earth, Milton Bradley is casting demons.

Good, this exorcist army should work out just fine.  We’ll get a bunch of priests running around the woods at night, tackling groups of 10-year-olds, just about to spell a word with vector addition.  What could go wrong?

Earlier in the year a Catholic exorcist explained the desperate need for more water throwing medicine-chanters by stating that he’d personally assisted in at least 160,000 exorcisms in his career, which basically means one every hour and twenty-eight minutes of his waking life.  So apparently they get their understanding of math and neurology from the same century.

Vatican to churn out more exorcists due to rise in demonic possession:

And from the “Secular Healing” file, Melissa Davenport – of Sandy Springs, Georgia – filed suit against the city for enforcing a church-state entanglement law that prohibits the purchase of sex toys without a medical prescription.  In my script it says “(insert dildo … joke here)”, so I’ll let you handle that, while I go ahead and get the clock warmed up …

That would be easier if you hadn’t paused so long between dildo and joke.  Hold on a second…

Davenport suffers from MS, and sex toys allow her to enjoy naked time despite nerve damage.  Despite this obviously counting as an exception to their stupid rule, many Georgian lawmakers – still clinging to the very creepy “Vaginal Paternalism” doctrine – figure she probably just has Pre-MS … Their reasoning goes something like this: “Whether or not God decided to kill her axons and dendrites, and whether or not the clit’s real, he made her a woman, so he clearly didn’t intend for her to cum.”

Dude walks into a store going, “I need a ball gag… I brought a note from my dentist…” Cops breaking down doors… “Do you have a license for that showerhead, ma’am?”  This fucking state… Where’s William Tecumseh Sherman when you need him?

I’m confused though … Do you need a doctor’s note to buy a banana, or several large grapes and a string??? … “I’m sorry ma’am, your insurance covers these gerkins, but the cucumbers are considered elective.  I think you need to check your dill-dosage again.” … OK no segue needed … 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for the Medicinal Sex Shop” … GO!!!

Alright.., quick visit to the RXXX shop… I guess “Prickorette Phallic Cessation Device” is too easy, huh?

The oral fixation is the hardest part – cigarettes or pole, I assume … Ok, what about …

The Strap-Oncology Ward: “Our Ream-O-Therapy leads to Spray-diation, or your money back.”

How about some kind of blood pressure cuff (slash) penis pump… Engorged with blood-pressure cuff, I guess?

That’s what those things at Duane Reade are for.  Makes a lot more sense.  We’re getting off track.  This is serious!  Medical Dildo Store!  Focus! … H2O-Face: Colon Hyrdrotherapy Kits

Pepcid AC/DC.  It would be… I don’t know, like a lubicidal antacid or something.

The Happy Rear-Ending Personal Massager

How about something for ejaculatory incontinence?  A French Trickler of some sort.

“Semi-Colon Tool Softener” … For that gay erection that lasts more than 4 hours.

Did you just say, “gay erection”?  They have different erections?  Those lucky bastards.  Anyway, how about “Per-vert Devil Anal Hamster-Vacs”?

6 Million Dollar Manhood: Prosthetic Third Legs … Better, Longer, Slower

Golden shower curtains?  They probably have a whole aisle for anti-piss-tamines.

The new analgesic anti-inflammatory suppository: “Benadryled in the Aspirin”

Yeah, but at KY Mart all the suppositories are ribbed.  Um… Bausch and Come spermicidal eye drops.

“The Phallus Chalice Buyers Club” … And yes, that breaks the ice on AIDS jokes, in case you were being a gentleman.

Let’s face it, if I was gentleman I wouldn’t know about the spermicidal eye drops.  How about Spermometer brand vibrating rectal thermometers?

The DVDAids Cocktail: By Magic Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson

Woman sues Georgia town over “Dildo by prescription only” law:

And finally tonight, in “Patriarching Ropes of Jism” news, a seventeen year old attendee at a homeschool prom in Richmond, Virginia was kicked out of the dance last week because she was wearing a prom dress.  The alleged immoderate temptress was told that her dress, while meeting the prom’s guidelines for length, was none the less giving some of the boys (quote) “impure thoughts”.  The organizers said they’d explored some other methods of keeping the boys at the prom from having impure thoughts, including anesthetics and murdering them, but ultimately landed on kicking the hot chicks out.

Yeah it’s the dress that’s the problem … “That dress may go down to her ankles, but I’d still put my needle in her fabric.” … 17-year-old home-schooled boys could see a girl in sweatpants and t-shirt – covered in vomit – and they’ll be glad they aren’t in sweatpants too.  

In a guest post on her sister’s blog titled “Fuck the Patriarchy”, Clare pointed out that if she’s being ogled by a bunch of grown men because her legs are showing, it should really be the responsibility of the grown men to get the fuck out.  Fucking perverts.  Look, I saw the pictures on her website.  She’s underage.  Two and a half months from now it would be perfectly okay to beat off of a video of her pissing on a midget, but until then, it’s perverse.

But if the person masturbating is under 17, and the midget is under 17 (do they live much longer than that anyway?), it should be all good … As important as it is for “audience building” to discuss the gray area related to the Legal Lolita Line … interrupt me whenever you- …

17 year old girl kicked out of home school prom for wearing a prom dress:

And that’ll bring the headlines to a screeching halt for this week.  Heath, thanks as always.


And when we come back, Lucinda will be here to make jokes about assplay.



In 2014 alone, god will murder 24,000 people with fully preventable bolts of lightning.

He’ll kill another 10,000 by causing the earth to tremble with his rage.

In the time it takes you to listen to this episode, he’ll have starved four hundred and thirty eight children to death.

…unless you listen to us on “fast”, in which case he save-killed only, like three fifty, but still …

In fact, this year alone, god will kill 350 Americans by drowning them in their own toilets.

…but most of them are toddlers, so it’s not actually that funny.

In fact, God is the number one, two, three and four killer in the world right now.  And nobody’s fighting back.

…Until now.

We at the Scathing Atheist are committed to bringing this sadistic war criminal to justice.

We’ll stop at nothing to hold god accountable or, failing that, we’ll make jokes about how small his penis is.

…and it must be pretty small if he’s that worried about us praising him all the time.

God and his earthly minions have billions of dollars and billions of adherents on their side.  And all we’ve got is a bit of Laphroaig-inspired scatology.

And you can help!

That’s right.  By going to Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, you can make a per episode donation that helps us take the fight to Jesus.

That’s right.  For one dollar an episode you’ll get longer episodes, you’ll get them before everyone else and we’ll promise to kick god in the nuts in your name if we ever happen across him.

“That’s from Jerry in Astoria, bitch!!!”  But for two dollars an episode you’ll get all that stuff, plus a free digital copy of our new book, Diatribes: Volume One, 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope

…and we’ll hammer another nail into Jesus if he ever returns to earth.

That’s also right.  But for five dollars an episode, you’ll get all that stuff, plus an autographed paperback copy of that very same book, which you’ll also have a digital copy of.

That continues to be right.  And for just ten dollars an episode we’ll pretty much do anything you want except butt stuff.

That’s not exactly right, but we’ll roll with it anyway.

So “yes” on the butt stuff?  We’ll pitch.  Tell your wealthy atheist catcher friends.

So remember, Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.  Because god is a dick.


Poem – Psalms

At first I was at a loss for what to do for the Psalms poem.  I mean, there’s no story or anything to work with, so how was I gonna write a poem about a bunch of crappy poems?  So I decided to go with sort of a meta-Psalm.  I shot for one poem that would hit on all the major topics of the various Psalms, distilling the essence of 150 shitty poems into one that actually rhymes.  So without further ado; Psalms… in rhyme.


Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god; and a god to be adored

Your ways, Yahweh, I’d say that they; betray a gracious lord.

Just look at all the gifts you gift upon your loving flock;

You’re strong and wise and clever, and you’ve got a massive cock.

Your brilliance can’t be measured, by we mere mortal men;

So when you do stuff that seems dumb to us, we must not comprehend.

Your mercy is unmeasurable, except when you get pissed,

And woe to those who anger you, as you’ll fill their assholes with your fist.


Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god; and a god to be revered.

You’re filled with clemency and love, and thus you should be feared.

So thank you god, for though you could, you haven’t struck me down.

You haven’t boiled or sauteed me, or let my children drown.

You could have ripped my eyeballs out, and filled my skull with bees.

You could have filled my face with boils, ‘til it looked like cottage cheese.

You could have lopped my testes off, with a rusty bastard sword,

You could have filled my throat with glass, but you didn’t.  Thank you, lord!


Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god, and a mighty god indeed,

So when my foes rise up against me, please make those fuckers bleed.

Please burn their homes to ashes, and rape their kids and wives,

And strike them with big anal warts, that itch throughout their lives.

Give them blistering urethras, then turn their piss to viscous slime;

And when the burning vesicles explode, please add a twist of lime.

Please smite them and their children, with some cancerous disease.

After all you’re so forgiving, so you’ll forgive yourself with ease.


Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god, and god dammit, you’re the shit.

I don’t mean to be a fanboy, here; but you wrote the holy writ.

And in the book you wrote we learn, that you’re the best thing that exists.

And I think I see a tiny spot; of your ass that’s not been kissed.

So let me tell you once again about how impressed we are down here.

And we forgive you for the debacle of a world you’ve engineered.

Your great and good and wonderful, and to you, I tip my hat.

For though you are omniscient, you need me to tell you that.


Bible Story

“Run gather up the young ‘uns folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons Bible Stories for Kids.”

Gather round boys and girls.  Today we’re going to open up our bibles to Esther and learn about one of the bible’s lesser known sadistic bitches.  Now, Esther was born into a Jewish family at a time when it wasn’t very fun to be a Jew… which is most of the time, historically speaking.

She was raised by her cousin, Mordecai, and looked forward to a life of dejected servitude until one day she got her big break.  The king of the whole land of Persia decided that he wanted to have sex with her.  So he took her for his harem.

Now, a harem is a big group of women that only the king was allowed to fuck.  And every night the women would take turns riding the royal cock, sometimes two or three of them at a time.  So Esther patiently waited her turn to wow the king with her sexual acrobatics.  You see, boys and girls, all the harem girls knew how to work the shaft and some of them knew how to work the balls, but only Esther knew how to get the prostate involved.

So one night the king called for her, and she fucked him every way but sideways.  And he was so impressed he made her the queen.  He still kept all the harem girls and boned them on the side, but of all the women he was having sex with, she was his favorite.

And she was happy with this arrangement because it sucked less than being a slave, and she didn’t want to risk her new sugar daddy by telling him she was a Jew, so she didn’t.

But while she was teaching the king about joys of having his salad tossed, some other people were plotting against him.  But luckily, Esther’s cousin Mordecai heard about the plot and warned the king, who then had all the people who were going to overthrow him brutally executed before throngs of jubilant masses.


And everybody was happy except for one brutish anti-semite named Haman.  He was a very successful soldier and had a lot of money and a nice house, but he couldn’t enjoy any of it because he really, really hated Jews.  So one day he hatched a plan to kill all the Jews and asked the king if it would be okay.

The king approved the Pogrom but asked if he could do it later.  After all, if you’re going to massacre a populace, you should at least give them some warning.  And when the Jews found out, they were really scared, so they got weapons and waited for Haman to attack.

But when Esther found out, she decided to do something about it, so she asked the king and Haman to have a banquet with her and they agreed.  And while they were eating, Esther said to her husband, “You know how Haman wants to kill all the Jews?”

And he said, “Mm-hmm.”

And she said, “Well I’m a Jew, so that means he wants to kill me!”

And he said, “That’s funny… you don’t look Jewish.”

And she said, “That’s not the point.  Either you have Haman killed or you can lick the syrup out of your own asshole.”

So the king had Haman killed and instead of recalling all the soldiers, he just let the Jews kill them.  And a relatively high percentage of the people in the story lived happily ever after.  The end.



Before we snub out the roach tonight, I wanted to recognize a few of the people who make are job easier every week.  A lot of our listeners help out in the research department by sending us news items, suggesting diatribe subjects and tossing out ideas for skits and stuff.  We always appreciate that and we thank everybody who does it, but there are three people who really go above and beyond, one of whom doesn’t like hearing her name on the podcast and the other two of whom are Paul and (at) WorkMX on Twitter, so to these three valiant and astute listeners, I sincerely thanks you for making my life that much easier.

Also, once more, a huge thanks goes out to all the people who continue to wish Lucinda a speedy recovery… and we also really appreciate the sudden influx of donations while she’s out of work.  She’ll be back to work on June 2nd, so if you wanted to keep that influx of donations coming, we sure wouldn’t mind.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but we’ll be back in 168 hours to do Proverbs, which can’t possibly be as bad as Psalms but no doubt still sucks.  If you can’t wait that along, be sure to check out some bonus Scatheism on our Facebook page, our Twitter account and our YouTube channel… and yes, I’ll be posting an assload of backlogged stuff on YouTube in the next couple of weeks.

Of course I need to thank Heath for continuing to be an offensive bastard in an endearing way.  I need to thank Lucinda for powering through the pain to make dick jokes with us tonight.  And, of course, big thanks to Steve for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) exploration of atheist podcast taglines.  And believe it or not, he actually had more than that when he sent it, I just had to trim it down to fit into the intro.  Anyway, thanks for that, and glad to be in the company of so many fine podcasters… as well as Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most valuable hominids, Peter, Ted, Ullrich, Dave, Danny, Donovan, Jonathan, Matt, Cat, David, Michael and Kenny.  Peter, Ted and Ullrich, whose intellects make smartphones self-conscious; Dave, Danny and Donovan, who attract pussy faster than a pen-laser; Jonathan, Matt and Cat, whose cocks outrank Donald Sterling on the “World’s Biggest Dick” list; and David, Michael and Kenny, who are so sexy even their own pheromones want to fuck them.

These twelve exceptional examples of excellence have expedited our expletives this week by giving us money.  And since we just did a whole two minute bit about donating to us on Patreon (dot) com (slash) ScathingAtheist, that’s all I’ll say about that.  Except thanks.

And if you want to help out but you spent all your money on something frivolous like insulin or ransom, you can help us out for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or Stitcher and telling your friends about the show.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.