Archive for the ‘Show Transcripts’ Category

Episode 75 – Partial Transcript

July 24, 2014 9 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

If you’re an artist and you’d like to volunteer some time to Peter Boghossian’s upcoming app (as discussed on this week’s episode) please email:







Note: Transcript contains elements removed due to time constraints.


Warning: This podcast contains obscene amounts of obscenities.




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And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s July 24th,

And I broke 2 ribs playing softball last Sunday … So why didn’t Adam build a harem?!?

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Gotham City”, AKA New York, New York,

And “Noah’s Arkham Asylum” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Ken Ham suggests defunding NASA to pay for building the thing from Cocoon and getting that water.
  • Peter Boghossian will join us to make more atheists in the non-sexual way.
  • And Eli Bosnick joins us to pan for wisdom in the Old Testament.

Yes, biblical wisdom is the pyrite of wisdom.  But first, the Diatribe…



My wife and I had a chance to catch up with an old friend the other day; a guy we hadn’t seen in more than a decade.  Since the last time we spoke he divorced the vindictive lunatic he was married to and found a new wife with more stable dopamine levels.  She’s friendly, funny and twenty years younger than him.  Which, in his mind, more than outweighs the fact that she’s religious.

He’s an atheist and not just by a little.  He comes from an extremely religious family and lived most of his life in one of the most religious enclaves in this country so he’s developed a pretty sharp axe to grind with the minions of faith.  And I don’t think he actually knows any other atheists so as soon as the subject of what I did for a living came up, ten years of pent up rage and anger came boiling to the surface and we spent a good half hour bitching about Jesus.

Clearly, I’m right in my element, and just as clearly, his wife isn’t.  She’s known for a while that they didn’t see eye to eye on the religion thing, but the look on her face made it clear that this was the first glimpse she got of the full extent of his ire.  And I’m guessing this southern girl raised in a strict Baptist household, had never been the only Christian in a room full of atheists.

So after about half an hour of uninterrupted vitriol, she felt the need to step in on behalf of her faith by politely objecting to our methodology.  We’d talked about priests raping kids, Mullahs promoting honor killings and acid attacks, evangelicals demonizing gays and standing in the way of science, Rabbis promoting sexism and disparaging education; and while she freely admitted that all those things existed, she claimed they weren’t representative.  None of the religious people she knew were like that.  And aren’t there sexists and bigots and child-molesters in every group of people?  Afterall, she’s not dangerous… and she’s more representative of faith than the people we’re talking about.

And my buddy made a concession that far too many atheists make and agreed with her.  Some of that might have been an effort to keep Jesus from interfering with his love life, but it’s still bullshit.

Now, she’s a nice person and she’s a guest in my home, so I’m not gonna go full diatribe on her, but I’m also not going to let such a patently false claim go unchallenged.

First I dismissed the idea that her breed of Christianity was “typical” of religion.  Nearly half of American Christians reject Darwinian evolution.  The majority of the world’s Muslims favor a sharia-based judicial system.  The opposition to gay rights is almost entirely a religious phenomena.  Almost all of America’s religious institutions have a legally exempted glass-ceiling that would be unacceptable for any other entity.

So no, the liberally religious, judge-not lest-ye-be-judged, “turn the other cheek” Christian is not representative of the average believer.  But that wasn’t even the most egregious thing about her argument.  Far more misguided was the premise that those same liberally religious, judge-not lest-ye-be-judged, “turn the other cheek” Christians aren’t dangerous.

I would argue, and I know a lot of people disagree with me here, so hear me out, but I would argue that those are the most dangerous type of believers.  Because if it weren’t for them, we as a society could stop giving religion a seat at the table altogether.

Think about it.  If every religious person you knew was a “God Hates Fags”, anti-evolution, anti-contraception rape apologist, it would be damn easy to dismiss them.  But if you can temper those assholes with a far greater number of regular people freely attributing the wisdom and morality they’ve developed over a lifetime of being humans to a mythical character, it gets a lot harder to reject.

In other words, it’s the charitable, congenial, selfless, cookie-baking old ladies that are fucking this up for the rest of us.  Because to keep the extremist voices relevant, you need five of them for every spittle-spewing homophobe.  You need a base to hold the capstone up.

There’s no example of a religion without a fundamentalist wing.  There’s no example in history of a religion gaining supremacy in a state and then not being used to marginalize other people.  There’s no example of a religion that wasn’t taken advantage of by the unscrupulous and the hateful.  And in every instance, the fuel for their unscrupulous hate was the sweet, congenial, cookie baking old lady wing of their religion.

I bring this up because it seems like a lot of atheists are possessed of the notion that if we could just steer the faithful toward the less destructive iterations of their faith, we could solve the problem.  But the problem is faith; faith in all its forms.  It reminds me of that idiot who says there shouldn’t be laws against drunk driving because he “ain’t killed nobody yet”.  The fact that you can personally use faith without fucking the world up doesn’t excuse faith every time somebody else uses it to blow up a school.

I’ll say it again and again; there is no harmless version of faith.  Faith is an attempt to replace reason with… something other than reason.  And where reasonable minds are concerned, that should be all the damnation it needs.



Joining me for headlines tonight is guy whose name comes up in autocomplete before you type in the Y-S-I-S in atheist analysis, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to give us some deep, impactful canal-ysis?

You must be talking about the alimentary canal.  Which goes mouth to ass, so it’s all good.  Just don’t forget, you are what you eat.

And thanks to astute listener Joe for pointing that out to us and sharing a screen capture on our Facebook page in case you doubt our sincerity.

In our lead story tonight, from the “You are! … You’re the one … who doesn’t exist!  You don’t!” file … Despite findings irrelevant to the issue, it seems the naively faithful have latched on to recent scientific studies that suggest the human brain may be hard-wired from birth to believe in magical stuff like divine creation.  They’ve taken this to mean that atheists semantically don’t exist, therefore God clearly does … Because if newborn babies don’t disbelieve in leprechauns … all rainbows end at a gold pot.

We’re also born fascinated by our own shit, but I guess that’s just a different way of phrasing the same thing, isn’t it?

One particular article by Nury Vittachi, on the “Science 2.0” site, tries to loosely gather ideas from several such studies, and shoe-horn them into somehow explaining how I don’t exist … <Yes, “I think therefore I’m not”> Let’s begin with the title of the article: (quote) “Scientists discover that atheists might not exist, and that’s not a joke.” (end quote) … So keeping in mind that this science-y stuff we’re about to hear is definitely not a joke … Remember?  From the title?  “With that in mind, let’s look at some one-sentence summaries of entire experiments, and combine them into a perfectly valid master theory.  

Perhaps the most ridiculous bit of scat he left on the wall was the notion that because stories have elements of divine justice, atheists don’t exist.  So yes, the fact that even atheist authors write books where bad stuff happens to the bad guy is offered as evidence against the existence of atheists.

My favorite one … He cited a 2012 survey by Pew Forum: (quote) “38% of people who identified themselves as atheist or agnostic went on to claim to believe in God or a Higher Power.” (end quote) … So atheists don’t exist … because approximately 38% of atheists might not exist … QED!!!

Science: “Atheists don’t exist”

And in “Are You Smarter Than a Zeroth Grader?” news tonight, a new survey of kindergarten students shows that even five year olds can largely distinguish biblical stories from reality, provided they haven’t been brainwashed in favor of Jew-magic beforehand.

Well that’s odd … Seems to conflict somewhat, with the assertion from the last story that Kabbalah is a priori knowledge … Weird.  So how did they ever manage to demonstrate that being forced to believe wrong things leads to believing more wrong things?!?

The survey presented children with a series of stories.  Some were realistic, some included magic and some of the ones that included magic were biblical.  And to nobody’s real surprise, the children who regularly attended church were significantly less able to decide whether or not the presence of a magic wand in a story means it’s bullshit.

It’s partially unfair though, because kids that don’t regularly attend church are much more likely to have parents with intelligent DNA.

So yes, in light of our lead story resting on our innate belief in magical fairy-folk, data like these are damn important.  Maybe it doesn’t refute the absurd claim, but it shows that kids can outgrow that mental defect in about the time it takes to keep their sheets piss-free if you don’t actively steer them away from reason.

Kids exposed to religion shown to have harder time distinguishing fact from fiction:

And from the “Can’t we just tell them their fetus lives on a farm upstate?” file, anti-choice nurse Sara Hallwege unsuccessfully applied for a job at Tampa Family Health Centers, and is now suing them for discriminating against ‘people who refuse to perform the job’.  The health center in question is a “Title X” clinic … or a “Plan C” facility … Which means: Hallwege applied for a job she believes to be ‘baby assassin’, and now she’s mad at the people that wouldn’t give her that opportunity.  Like a fucked-up game of chicken … “I’ll kill those babies … We’ll hire you to kill those babies … “

“I brought my favorite abortion sword and everything…”

“Do you have prior experience killing unwanted fetuses? … No? … That’s fine … You’ll get the coat hang of it … And this part’s just a formality … Seems ridiculous that I should even need to ask, but … I see you’ve brought a picket sign with you to your own job interview … So I gotta ask … Are you willing to … do this job?” … Her answer was: “No, and I’ll see you in court.”

But it’s even worse than that because the job didn’t include real abortions, just sincerely held religious abortions.  They needed somebody who could prescribe birth control and this quarrelsome bitch actually listed on her resume that she was a member of a right-wing, anti-abortion society… I don’t believe I have to mention the name… and told the interviewer that empiricism be damned, she believes that birth control is murder and wouldn’t prescribe it.  Even if that was her job.  So they… didn’t let that be her job…

Defense lawyers are likely to mention Hellwege’s pre-interview on the phone, during which she was clearly warned about the pro-choice nature of the position: (quote) “You’re gonna see lots of graphic, close-up choices. Bitches gonna be choosing all over the floor sometimes.” (end quote)

I was gonna say this is like a quadriplegic suing the rodeo for not hiring him as a bull rider, but the quadriplegic didn’t choose to be immobile… so this is more like the intentionally inert suing the same rodeo.  Wow… this story is so stupid it’s analogistically challenging.

Well if the lawsuit doesn’t work out, maybe she can make some money refusing to serve drinks at gay bar in Boystown, Chicago.

Pro-life nurse sues for hiring discrimination job:

And from the “City of Bloodthirsty Love” file tonight, two of those notoriously peace-loving Muslims have been charged with trying to chop the hand off of a suspected thief.  In Philadelphia.  Which isn’t exactly “first world”, but it isn’t exactly Pakistan hill country, either.

It’s a good thing the Hobby Lobby ruling happened, or else the hand-choppers would be in pretty big trouble.

The attempted behanding in Quran took place after the mosque’s amir Merv Mitchell and an as yet unidentified imam suspected a forty-six year old attendant of stealing.  Police say the two dragged the man to the back of the mosque, where, of course, they keep their giant fucking machete, and proceeded to try to whack the dude’s hand off.  And it’s not like they missed or he escaped or anything… they just didn’t chop hard enough.  The victim was hospitalized and will likely need reconstructive surgery to repair the wound.

Also, as far as I know, there’s not too many rainforest thicket areas in Philadelphia … So that’s a dedicated amputation machete …

And when you’ve got a dedicated amputation machete, every problem looks like a hand…

But here’s the problem … Now we’ve got a suspected thief with two hands.  What do you think “Jew-God 3.0” does do about this???  Somebody’s gotta get their fucking hand chopped off!!!

And that’s the point… you’ve got all these conservative politicians proposing legislation that bans Sharia law in the US.  Well this is Sharia law.  And even considering how far up its ass the Roberts Court’s head is, I don’t think we need to worry about them forgiving the chopping off of limbs under the auspices of a “sincerely held religious belief.”

Clergy at Philly Mosque accused of trying to cut off a dude’s hand:

And in “Priests distract rock star from drug metaphor lyrics by sexually abusing children” news, Tom Petty was somehow the first famous musician since Sinead O’Connor to find out about the breaking news regarding decades of clergy sex scandals … In response, he included a bonus track on his most recent album, which suggested artistically, that kid rapists should probably get in really big trouble and stuff.  More typical rockstar ‘fringe thinking’.  

But to be fair, for all we know that’s what he’s been talking about the whole time and we just couldn’t understand him through his Bob Dylan with down syndrome voice.

Like French Canadian Bruce Springstein with lockjaw … Somehow when it’s Irish Catholics committing the human rights violations, Bono gets strangely quiet.  But if U2 won’t help, and multi-platinum recording artist Tom Petty can’t change public thinking on this … hopefully anyone else would suffice … And – more importantly – we seem to have stumbled into this well of dick jokes … So let’s go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock … “Songs About Pedophile Clergy” … GO!!!

“Pole Smokin’ in the Boy’s Room”

“Smells Like Tween Spirit”

“Another One Bites the Pillow”

“Bare Way to Heaven”

“Why Does My Fart Feel So Bad?”

Probably has something to do with that “Scrotal Eclipse” … And if ever Pete Townshend belonged on a list, I guess it’s now … “Let Guy Love Open the Door to Your Shart” … Townshend being such a notorious shart topper.

“The Priest You Can Do”

Phil Collins!!!  Good work!!!  But i could swear I could feel it coming in the prayer tonight …

“25? … or 6 to 4 year olds?”

Or “Working 5 to 9… year olds”

Different kind of sweat shop …

What about a little Unmarked Van Morrison? … “Brown-Eyed Boy”

“How Deep is Your Glove?”

I had a glove??? … What about: “Sitting on the Cock of the- … Nah, well you get it … Too easy … “I Heard it Through the <Still too obvious.> … Fair enough … But I could have said “Gape” … What about: “Sunday, Bloody Sunday School” ???

“Let Your Son Go Down on Me”

“Unfortunate Son … of a Preacher Man” … Didn’t figure this well had incest jokes … but there you go.  Gravy.

Yeah, but we did know that it had gravy.  How about “Cruelly, Gladly, Deeply?”

Bunch of Ravaged Gardens in this town … And by the way everyone, you can get lot’s of these tracks for free, at Ass Pirates Bay … It’s a pedo-phile-sharing network … like SlimeWire …

“Pope Paul Along the Crotch Tower” … Done.

New Tom Petty song about Catholic Sex Abuse Scandal:

And finally tonight, in “Ham Nine From Outer Space” news, creationist taint mold and perpetual Scathing Atheist punching bag Ken Ham is back in the news condemning martians to eternal torment while calling for an end to America’s space program.

At the very least, he wants Ridley Scott fired from his director spot.  

Well at least there’s something Ham and I can agree on.  Anyway, Ham explains that it’s pointless for America to keep wasting money searching for life on other planets (which he apparently thinks is what NASA does) since in the extremely unlikely event that god isn’t using the “10 to the forty eighth times as big as it needs to be to house human life” universe as a backdrop for the vanishingly small portion of it he cares about, those aliens are obviously not worth knowing, as Jesus didn’t bother to die for their sins.

Those were not embellished remarks!!!  Ham actually said (quote): “You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation.” … So shut down NASA before they get up there, and find out they wasted all that money, and come home with zero alien souls … and egg on their face.

And Pope Fralfmadorian had already offered to baptize them so they’d be heathens squared.  Ham is seriously proposing this as a reason to defund NASA.   Now, it would be nice if I could say that the babbling incoherent verbal ejaculate from this pencil-dicked, shit-for-brains, science abhorring, bloviating simpleton could be ignored, but he’s convinced people to act on stupider breaches of scientific literacy than “Jesus didn’t die for no Klingons” before, so we’ll keep an eye on it.

Ken Ham: Aliens are going to hell:

And after that uncomfortable trip own Ken Ham’s well lubed Rabbit Hole, we’ll close the headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, Lucinda and Eli will be here to help us wrap up the Wisdom books, but first, Peter Boghossian joins us to talk about an atheist creating book that isn’t the bible.

Interview Links:

Article on Using the Socratic Method with Children (mentioned by PB during interview)

(PDF) American Philosophical Association’s 1990 Delphi Report (mentioned by PB during interview)


Panel Notes: Wisdom Books

Unlike the Pentateuch and the Historical books, the Wisdom books actually seem somewhat biblical.  While the story of Job is overrated and many of the Psalms and Proverbs are downright terrifying, the Wisdom books at least seem like the kind of stuff a god would put in his book.

Except Song of Solomon, which strikes me as ancient jerk-material … like the stuff in Bin Laden’s no-longer-secret lair.  Who has a lair?!?  If you live in a lair … you gotta assume someone might murder you.  That’s his fault, for renting a lair.

Now, we didn’t do a recap when we finished the Historical books because, let’s face it, the Historical books basically just recap themselves over and over again, but before we move on to the final stage of the Old Testament, we thought we’d get the team together to retire this last section.  So joining us for the Wisdom book recap is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

No misogyny this week?

I figured we’d be dealing with plenty in the Wisdom Book recap, no need for more this week. My head may explode as is.

Fair enough.  And rejoining us as well is everyone’s favorite glutton for punishment, Eli Bosnick.  Eli, great to have you back.

Psalms was the worst thing that happened to me this year…and my dad died this year.

Okay, so the problem with recapping the Wisdom books is that nothing really “happens” in them per se.  Other than Job there aren’t really any stories or characters of anything like that to talk about, so I figured we could just highlight a few of the Bests and Worsts of this section.  We’ll start with


  • The best piece of moral advice in the Wisdom Books?


      1. Well, I’m tempted to say Proverbs 5:18, which basically tells me I should spend more time lying with the wife of my youth and playing with her boobs, but I’m going with Proverbs 4:14, which says, “don’t be evil” I like simple and to the point and lets face it we don’t get nearly enough of that in this book.
      2. Ecclesiastes 10:19 “Money answeresth all things” Finally. someone says this. These are books of wisdom right? That or a don’t date a stupid girl with a nose ring because even though she’ll do weird stuff she’ll also throw stuff when you break up with her.
        1. See, if it just came out and said that, I would be a Christian… or a Jew.
      3. Ecclesiastes 5:3 “A fool’s voice is known by a multitude of words,” which could be summed up as “dumb people are verbose” if the author wasn’t a fool.
      4. I enjoyed a related suggestion for dumb people … Often ignored … Proverbs 17:28: “Dumb and silent is easily mistaken for smart and pensive. So don’t say things unless you’re smart … Are you smart? … If you have to ask … probably Shhhhhh.”


  • The worst piece of moral advice?


    1. The path to true happiness being smashing babies against rocks (Psalms 137:9) Worst idea ever.
    2. damn you stole my baby smashing! You are hungry because god is mad at your or all of the advice that job’s friends give him.
    3. I would say the bits about not fucking loose women.
  • Or tight men.  No high-hanging fruit either.
      1. The Book of Job … Or maybe Ecclesiastes 8:17, which says “Science is impossible, so stop trying to know things.  Everything in books is stupid … Except for this …. And that … And that.”


  • Best WTF Moment?


    1. The bukkake sequence in Song of Solomon took me by surprise.
  • You should have seen the look on your face.
  1. Job 41 where god is drunk stepdad and just starts describing the leviathen for no reason
  • “I made a big fish!!! … Bill Braskey!!!”
  • A lot of unexpected monsters in the Wisdom books.  Look guys, if there are dragons and shit in the book, you need to toss that out early.  You can’t surprise us with sea monsters and unicorns half way through.
      1. Proverbs 16:33 … “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD” … So dice only seem to be random.  Worst gambling tip ever: “Psst – buddy.  God’s actually cheating the whole time.  The way he cheats is by choosing each number exactly one sixth of the time.  We never had this conversation.” … So thanks, that was useful.   
      2. The ravens god sends to gobble out your eyeballs if you disobey your parents (Proverbs 30:17 He probably pisses in your eyeholes when their done too, because… why the hell not.
        1. And it’s so oddly specific.  You’d think they would know they were tipping their hands on this one.  Fifth or sixth time you disobey your parents and don’t get your eyes pecked out…


  • Worst Excuse for Wisdom?


    1. Did anyone mention the hedonistic baby smashing? … Yeah? … Okay what about … Proverbs 13:24 … “Don’t be a hater … Beat your children with a rod … The less you know”
    2. Building a door out of your boobless little sister, as discussed in Song of Solomon 8:8
    3. Proverbs 11:22 which says a woman without discretion is like a pig’s nose-ring. What the fuck does that even mean? Why the fuck does your pig have a nose ring to begin with? And what the fuck does that have to do with a gossip mongering  Stupid Proverbs.
    4. ugh fucking song of solomon. Song of solomon is like that girl who you wanna hook up with and she always dirty texts you but then your like “can i come over? and she’s like” what would you do if you came over…. and you just wanna fuck a person.
  • “What would I do?  Is this necessary? … Uhhh … I’d fuck you in your damp, well-shorn goat teeth.  Okay?  We’ll start with mouth stuff!  Can I come over now?”


  • Best Passage?


    1. And I’ll get the obvious one out of the way for you.  Ecclesiastes 3:20, which basically says, “There is no god”
    2. Song of Solomon 2:3 “I sat down under his shadow with great delight and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” That just sounds naughty.
    3. The lord most high is terrible was actually my choice because it comes out of nowhere and it made me laugh for like ten minutes. or baby smashing…god i love baby smashing
  • I keep picturing Gallagher, but with the watermelons switched out.
      1. I’m going with Proverbs 26:11 … “As a dog returneth to his vomit; so a fool returneth to his folly” … Like a heroin addict swimming around a toilet bowl for an unfinished opium suppository.


  • Worst Passage?


    1. Song of Solomon 1:13 “He will lie between my breasts all night,” because how can that possibly be comfortable for anyone involved? Spoon or something, damn.
    2. Well Lucinda already stole the baby-smashing Psalm so I guess I’ll settle for Psalm 38:7 where King David informs us that he has (quote) “a loathsome sickness in my loins”
  • Crabs are not kosher.
  1. Proverbs 21:31 … “The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD.” … So you absolutely cannot affect the outcome … of anything … your entire life … “It’s stupid for us to even use the word ‘outcome’.  But fruitlessly try hard anyway! … So I can watch and laugh.”
  2. psalm 53:1 The fool hath aid in his heart there is not god” I hate how many times a pius garbage human being has said this to me….also baby smashing. Also I don’t know if or where there is a place to talk about this but all of job is like a friend who’s drunk and wants to call his ex and you spend all night fighting him away from his cell phone and he wants to call her and he wants to call her so finally you let him and all he does is call her a bitch and hang up.

So on that odd but succinct summary, we’ll bid a not-so-fond farewell to the Wisdom books and move tantalizingly close to the end of the Old Testament.

So that … was the “wise” part??? … Doesn’t bode well for anyone, if they just climaxed on their wisdom.  What are they gonna do now? … Start predicting stuff?!?

Yeah, for a climax that took so long you’d have expected something bigger and more viscous.  Anyway, Eli, Lucinda, Heath, thanks again for fighting through the boredom and insanity.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  We don’t have a lot of time for this tonight so I won’t bother expounding on what the term “listener feedback” means, and instead I’ll trust you to puzzle it out for yourselves.

We got several emails, tweets, Facebook messages, et cetera regarding our characterization of a DO as opposed to an MD.  I believe Noah referred to Osteophathic Manipulative Medicine as “Magic bullshit doctors” and I called a DO the “Go-Bot, Mr. Pibb GED” of the medical world.  And apparently many of our listeners believe we were in error.  Matthew sums it up, writing (quote)

“In your last episode, you […] were remarking on, and mocking a new creationist medical school.  I have no problem with that.  An, as of yet, unaccredited medical school founded on the principles of anti-science deserves not just your mockery, but everyone’s outright contempt.

However, your implication that the degrees they are awarding, DOs, rather than MDs implies a lesser degree of medical education is flat out wrong.  While I have no faith (pun intended) in Liberty university’s ability to teach medicine in a legitimate, therapeutic, manner; that has little or nothing to do with the fact they are offering DO degrees.  The fact is, Allopathic (MD) vs. Osteopathic (DO), are putatively equivalent in the medical community, and  facultatively identical in terms of medical residency, specialization, and medical licensing requirements; at least in the USA.

Okay, so maybe the GED bit was a bit harsh, but other than that I don’t know that we actually got it wrong.

Right… DOs are real doctors… Just not Doctor Peppers … But nobody’s saying Mr. Pibb isn’t a real soda.  I’m just saying the med schools at Harvard, Stanford, Johns Hopkins, Yale, and Columbia … all serve Dr. Pepper in the cafeteria.  Blind taste test, maybe they tie, but people ask for the Doctor.

Exactly.  Go-Bots really do transform into little cars.

It’s true, they really do … But regardless … We are fully aware that the “DO” is a perfectly valid doctor degree in standard western medical practice.

Now, as to my comment about Osteopathic medicine being “magic bullshit,” I stand by that.  Sure, a DO is a real doctor and has sufficient training in allopathic medicine, but he or she is a real doctor precisely to the extent that they don’t use osteopathic medicine.

Right, if my dentist is also an exorcist carpenter … I guess I’m okay with that, but it’s at least slightly different … And just to be clear allopathic means “medical practices based on science and evidence” … So regardless of what the other thing means …

All that being said, if I left the impression that the medical advice or expertise of a DO didn’t carry the weight of the same shit coming from an MD, I apologize for that.  So for the record, DOs learn all the same stuff MDs do and they learn magic bullshit doctoring.  But they mostly don’t use the latter.

Maybe the medical community can stop naming important degrees after antiquated, non-evidence based witch-doctory … But I’ll do my best in the future not to exacerbate the problem by making it even more confusing.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, keep those Tweets, Facebook messages and emails coming.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.



Before we seal the envelope tonight I wanted to let you guys know what a fucking champ Heath is.  Broke two ribs on a diving play from second base on Sunday, still got the out and was back to work making dick jokes about Jesus the next day like it was nothing.  If you’ve ever broken a rib or two, you know how hard it is to laugh with broken ribs, but he was willing to do that for you.  A fucking champ.

I also wanted to let you know that “This Week in Misogyny” will be back next week… we just didn’t have room to squeeze it in tonight with the interview and the Wisdom book wrap up.  But if you were thinking maybe we’d defeated sexism as a world culture since our last episode, I’m sorry to say that no, it still thrives.

Of course I need to throw another big thanks to Peter Boghossian for giving us some of his time this week.  He’s an incredibly nice guy who is in this movement for all the right reasons.  We chatted off the air for a bit and the dude’s passion for reason is just palpable.  Again, his book is an easy read that is chocked full of the kind of data-driven, empirically tested methodology that we want and need to effectively devangelize.  If you haven’t read it yet, be sure to check our website for a link to buy it or just search “A Manual for Creating Atheists” on Amazon.

Also wanted to throw a big thanks to David Smalley for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  Hell of a guy who, as four of you know, hosts the excellent “Dogma Debate” podcast.  Very knowledgeable dude and if you don’t believe me, I can prove it.  You’ll find his show linked on this week’s shownotes as well.

Of course I have to thank Eli for helping us out again this week.  I know that it must seem like I’m trying to run him off by constantly asking him to watch shitty movies and read shitty books, but for some reason he keeps coming back and we’re damn glad that he does.

Obviously I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lugeons for all that she does to make this show happen, which, incidentally, is a hell of a lot more than just the warning, the Babble, This Week in Misogyny and the Bible Stories.  Couldn’t make this show go without her.

But, of course, most of all I need to thank this week’s most stellar derivatives of stardust; Julie, Braunz, Paul, Jon, Adam, Samson, Larry, Mark and Joseph.  Julie, Braunz and Paul, whose wisdom is so legendary the number forty-two goes to them for answers; Jon, Adam and Samson, who god thanks when he wins awards; and Larry, Mark and Joseph, who could win a game of Monopoly with nothing but Water Works, Electric Company and a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

These nine fine doubters of the divine put a plus sign on our bottom line this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the words ending in I-N-E it takes to give us money, but if you’re benign and inclined, you’ll can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked on our homepage… directly to the left of the donate button you can click if you’d like to make a one time donation.

And if you’d like to help us out but fuck all that donatin’ shit, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes.  We’re getting really close to four hundred and twenty reviews on American iTunes and if you don’t know the significance of that amount, I’m not gonna tell you.  Oh, and check us out on Stitcher because we’re fucking killing it on Stitcher and a few more people listening to us there could push us all the way to the number one Atheist podcast on that platform.  Cause look out, Dillahunty, here we eventually possibly come.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 74 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints.



BUY THE BOOK (Paperback) (EBook)






Warning: This episode is sexy.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Halal-iburton: Iraq’s newest monopoly brand of Muslim-friendly snack foods.

Want to help pay back Dick Cheney for the cost of cleaning up this enormous mess that someone created??? Well you don’t have a choice because he secured a contract to supply all Iraqi food until 2026.  So try our new Aya-Tollhouse Cookies or go without cookies asshole.

Halal-iburton: Iraq’s favorite snackfood since the undisclosed year when we hatched our sinister plot.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s July 17th,

And kids in Cleveland want their jerseys back from the homeless people in Miami.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “America’s City of Light” New York, New York,

And “America’s City of Lite Beer” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Liberty University makes “God Particle Physics” a new pre-req for med students,
  • We’ll instigate a holy war,
  • And a Tennessee judge suggests a compromise, in which lesbians will be cured slowly – two weekends a month – by the National Guard. 

But first, the Diatribe…



You know, it would be easier to come up with a new diatribe every week if the theists didn’t just keep saying the same shit.  But unfortunately, they’re stuck in their circular flowchart of debunked arguments and discredited assertions and we, as atheists, are doomed to spend our lives forever trying to drown the same rubber duckies.

Astute listener LeWayne shared a recent article from Slate last Tuesday, but I didn’t allow myself to read it right away.  By Tuesday I’m so heavy in prep for the new episode that I couldn’t afford the three hours of rage the headline promised.  The title of the piece was, “Atheists Used to Take the Idea of God Seriously… That’s Why They Mattered.”  It a book review by a babbling urethra named Michael Robbins.

Now, ostensibly, it’s a review of Nick Spencer’s new history of atheism titled “Atheists: The Origin of the Species,” but one could be forgiven for reading the whole article without ever realizing that, as Robbins is far more focused on pining for the good old days when atheists would shut the fuck up and show religious people deference.  In this, he’s really no different than the climate change denialists pissing and whining for equal air time with the people who know stuff and use facts.

His argument, in so much as he offers one, is that religion is more complicated than atheists give it credit for.  He admits that religion is hard to define, so hard, in fact, that he makes no effort whatsoever, except to say that we have it wrong.  But he rejects the claim that the god hypothesis should be treated as a scientific theory and here’s his justification: The primary purpose of religion isn’t to explain where the universe came from; it’s to tell people how to live their lives.

Yes, you stammering fuck-knob, we know that… we fully understand that the real purpose of religion is to control people’s lives and dictate their morals.  That’s why we’re actively working against it.  If religion was nothing more than a stupid way of explaining cosmic origins it would hardly be dangerous at all, would it?  He references Dawkin’s assertion that religion is a competing explanation for facts about the universe and life and call it (quote) “bullshit”… because apparently telling people how to live their lives doesn’t count as a fact about… life?

He tries the “non-overlapping magisteria” gambit when he tells us that science and religion ask different questions about different things.  But again, we already know that… science asks answerable questions about real things.  That’s what makes it science.  And while we’re on the subject, nobody in the atheist movement begrudges religious people for asking questions… it’s when they start offering answers that we tell them to shut up during grown up time.

But just in case that didn’t stick, he has a few more worn out apologetics to throw against the wall.  He gives us the whole “How did something come from nothing?” nonsense and apparently he’s well aware of how science actually answers that question, but dismisses it because real nothing wouldn’t contain quantum fluctuations or laws of physics.  So he imagines a state of being unobserved in the universe and unsupported by any scientific model… a space so empty it doesn’t even contain the laws of physics and demands that atheists explain why that state of being doesn’t exist.  And no, by the way, he makes no effort at all to explain why the existence of quantum fluctuations is somehow harder to account for than the existence of omnipotent, conscious creative entities that care who we fuck.

He then points out that he’s not just “atheist-bashing” when he says we’re ignorant, unthinking automatons blindly swearing allegiance to Richard Dawkins by pointing out (I swear he really does this) that some of his best friends are atheists.  Just the good kind that shuts the fuck up and takes him seriously.

And that’s the whole argument in a nutshell.  “It okay if you know I’m wrong, but at least pretend like I’m reasonable!  At least pretend like there’s some legitimate debate.  The very least you could do is hold my claims to a different set of standards than all other claims.  God damn it, I matter!”

But they don’t matter.  No actual science is still hashing out the god thing.  No physicists are losing sleep over the Kalam cosmological argument.  No biologists are comparing their findings to the “god did it” model.  No ethicists are proposing the “cause god’ll burn you in hell” approach.  No doctors are prescribing prayer.  No lawyers are invoking the “devil really did make him do it” defense.  No financial planner is figuring in the “they’re about due for a miracle” variable.  No meteorologists are factoring in god’s wrath.

The god hypothesis failed.  The conversation is over.  Religion lost.  It’s only relevant in the imaginary academic disciplines they made up to talk about religion.  And I’m sure that fact is really inconvenient for the Michael Robbins of the world and all, but nothing they’ve done in the last ten thousand years justifies wasting any more of our intellectual prowess seriously entertaining the “it’s all the whim of a magical Jew” paradigm.



Joining me for headlines tonight is every Jihadis dream target Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to earn your fatwa?

Are you kidding me?  The tattoo of Mohammed on my stomach waves when I jiggle.  What do I have to do? …

The truffle shuffle at a few more mosques, I suppose…

…Hey you guys!!! Fatwa!!!

In our lead story tonight, the pope didn’t say a goddamn thing, now look at the birdies… if you trust Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi, but we don’t, so we’ll report it the other way, in which Pope Fran-Sybian said in an interview last week that about one of every fifty Catholic priests is a child-rapist.  Though the pope said this should, for some reason, comfort him, he finds it almost disturbing enough to act upon.

“So if everyone just makes sure they only know about 40 or so priests – call it 49 max – we’ll all be fine … It’s like cutting the ace of spades … Pretty much impossible.”

Of course, the interview in question wasn’t on tape and the Vatican spokesman denies the pope said shit that was on tape, so no shock that they denied key elements of this report.  His most vociferous protests revolved around reports that the pope said child-sex-abusers were prevalent even among Bishops and Cardinals.  They also disputed the two percent number, though advocacy groups believe the actual percentage to be almost three times as high.

Sounds like the Pope didn’t say some pretty damning stuff.  And how did he decide on “not saying” the 2% number, specifically???  He knows the minimum real number, and decided to deflate it by a “believable amount”???

Assuming Pope Frankle-Biter actually said this, I’m sure his hope was that we would all point out that experts estimate that as many as two percent of all adult males may be pedophiles.  That being said, if his number is accurate, that would mean for every ten pedophiles that apply, they hire an average of ten. (But that means they can magically identify pedophiles with 100% accuracy!!! … And hire them!!!  Exactly!!!) Lombardi’s focus on the percentage being way lower for Bishops and Cardinals is even harder to get a handle on, as this would mean that they know which ones are fucking kids and don’t promote them.  And while that’s no doubt true, it’s nowhere near as bad as pretending the kid-rapers just keep slipping through the well-lubed cracks.

If they made it a “fire-able offense” … that would be a good first step.  Then maybe focus on “not hiring” the rapists.  Baby steps.

Of course, arguing over what percentage of priests fuck kids is a distraction from the real issue, which is the continued global cover up and active sheltering of the kiddie-diddlers.  In other words, it’s probably best to get to the hospital before trying to decide how many of the snakes that just bit you were poisonous.

Pope: 2% of Catholic priests are pedophiles:

And in “GI Jane Lynch” news, Tennessee magistrate Judge Joe Rehyansky recently suggested on conservative propaganda site, The Daily Caller, that lesbians (but not gays) should be allowed to join the military.  Why?!?  He believes the onslaught of unsolicited dick in the barracks would cure these women of their preference for consensual vagina … But unfortunately the existing straight female soldiers aren’t a bunch of rapists, so the plan wouldn’t also work for curing the gays.

Ah, the old “Banky Edwards” Good-deep-dicking theory of sexual reorientation.  What does it say about religious conservatives that they’re suggestion for curing gay men is praying for them and for gay women it’s fucking them?

The “Private Pyle, Private Mound” idea was actually so stupid and offensive, that even Tucker Carlson’s The Daily Caller made retractions.  But before they did, Judge Joe got out several pearls of wisdom to the world.  Some of those pearls actually still remain on the site, because they’re really good at drawing lines.

This shit read like an anthropological love poem to rape.  The dude literally talks about men swinging through trees to subdue and impregnate as many women as they could, then wiped down his keyboard and added, “It was a tough job, but someone had to do it.”

In another such example, he explains that the natural order during hunter/gatherer times was – by necessity – very rapey … and therefore marvels that women ever got to make vaginal choices before the times of Mace and rape whistles.  But now that women have those protections – the judge laments – they’re free to choose “zero penises” … which is a big problem.

But in this assholes mind, being a woman is like being Harry Potter… you don’t choose the wand, the wand chooses you.

Ok so here’s Rehyansky’s since-retracted solution: (quote) “Get the distaff part of our homosexual population off our collective ‘Broke Back’, thus giving straight male GIs a fair shot at converting lesbians and bringing them into the mainstream.” (end quote) … And as much as I appreciate his feeble attempt at gay movie wordplay, he needs to be sodomized by lesbians with huge clits until he cries “Gay Aunt” and stops liking vagina.

As much as I love the visual, I think we’ll have to leave the 30 seconds on the clock for now… I don’t think I have enough Homophobic-Judge-Lesbian-Anal-Clit-Rape titles in me.

Judge: Lesbians can be cured by male soldiers:

And in “String Theory For Dummies” news tonight, the Freedom From Religion Foundation has challenged the right of Miami Jews to use public property to fool their notoriously stupid deity.  This story involves what is known as an “Eruv”, which is ridiculous even compared to other Jewish god-baffles.

Is this the one where the Jewish guys – who are expecting a Siberian snowstorm in July at any moment – walk around Williamsburg, Brooklyn with enormous amounts of yarn, instead of carrying their wallet and keys in a backpack???

That’s the one, yes.  So among the myriad arbitrary things jew god doesn’t let his chosen people do on the Sabbath is carry stuff in their pockets in public.  But with a quick bit of spiritual MacGyvering, Jews can get around the rule by tying a string around their whole community, thus fooling god into thinking it’s not a public place, but a “private” community.  The problem, of course, is that the FFRF is a little more observant than Jew-god and still realizes despite the string that those places are public property.

Honestly, I can see why the author made the Old Testament God character so pissed.  God tells them to empty their pockets before they leave the house, and instead they tie a string to the front door and carry the spool around the city of Miami like a lunatic.

<<You go out with some scissors and you could take hostages.>>

The FFRF argues that as innocuous as the strings may be they’re still religious symbols that serve a purpose only for people of one religion and thus should be treated no different than a crucifix placed on public land.  The local Jewish community has yet to respond, as they’re still trying to figure out how all us gentiles outwitted their magic string.

FFRF challenges public “Eruvs”:

And in “Educational Malpractice” news, Liberty University of Lynchburg, Tennessee – the Young Earth Creationist institution of lower learning founded by Jerry Falwell – is set to launch it’s own medical school next semester … Which makes about as much sense as the home of Jack Daniels being a dry county.

I wonder if their stance on evolution will require them to perpetually use the flu vaccine from 1938.

The school is only provisionally accredited at the moment, and won’t even be eligible for consideration to be fully accredited until it’s first class is about to graduate.  And regardless, they won’t be granting actual MD degrees, but instead DO’s … which are kind of like the GoBot Mr. Pibb GED of the doctor world.  So clearly, whoever’s in charge of that, doesn’t want to grant them anything until they demonstrate adherence to a proper curriculum that’s been shown to actually heal things.

And it doesn’t help that it’s a school of “Osteopathic Manipulative Medicine”, which, for those who aren’t familiar with the term, means “Magic bullshit doctor.”  This is quackery to the second power here.  Creationists creating Chiropractors?

Right so they’re not gonna be allowed to graduate creationist doctors unless, for example, they manage to catch two birds, kill one, dip the live one in the dead one’s blood, sprinkle the blood on a leper, add 8 more ridiculous procedures, and cure him … Barring that, the medical board’s gonna insist on antibiotics … from real doctors, instead of Leviticus remedies from insane people.

Hey, don’t knock it… my grandma had dead-bird, blood-sprinkled-altar therapy and it did wonders for her electromagnetic hypersensitivity and her Morgellons disease.

Creationist med school to open in August:

And from the “We were gonna tell AIDS jokes anyway” file, Maryland pastor Kwabena Sarpong informed a despondent crowd at a fourth of July “Celebrate America” event that we’re only one religious revival away from curing HIV.

Then what the fuck are they waiting for?!?  Have another revival and cure AIDS!!!  Usefully predict one single good thing that happens!!! … Once!!!

Drawing on the church’s long tradition of knowing stuff and curing things, Sarpong explained that the deviantly secular America would turn to the church if science could just fail to cure HIV long enough, thus implying that everyone who died of AIDS was part of a divine “they’re not lookin’ at me” temper tantrum.

So this guy is saying: “There’s a disease that scientists haven’t cured yet, so atheists will soon assume the only explanation is an asshole god being ‘mysterious’.”

It’s also worth noting that according to Sarpong, provided gay rights don’t irreconcilably damage our nation first, we will turn to god when AIDS patients give up on medicine and let religious people lay hands on them at which time they will (quote) “start walking” (end quote).  So yes, apparently god has the power to make people with AIDS walk, along with other miracles Sarpong has witnessed including giving earrings to the deaf and regrowing the beards of amputees.

Pastor says church will soon cure AIDS:

Yeah it’s important to get plenty of walking and other exercise while you’re experiencing multiple organ failure … And in “Rubber Meets the Robe” news, the recent SCOTUS ruling on Hobby Lobby was so awful and backwards, that it created – against all odds – a progressive faction of Christianity that is now  scrambling to distance itself from the fundamentalists, in one particular case by handing out condoms in front of an Illinois Hobby Lobby store earlier this month … Not that dudes buying paint for their Battlestar: Galactica figurines are largely at risk of needing birth control.  But I like the effort, regardless.

No self respecting man would buy his Battlestar: Galactica figurine paint at Hobby Lobby.  Hell, they don’t even carry “Cylon Silver”.

At the very least, the condom giveaway seems to have been more successful than the bigoted reverse campaign of West Virginia army wife, Holly Fisher … Being extremely well-read on the intricacies of political science, Amy Fisher tweeted a picture of herself outside a Hobby Lobby, with a “Pro-Life” T-shirt, and a Chic-Fil-A soda cup.

Over under eleven for the number of bumper stickers on her car?  I’d take the over.

Feeling this was too subtle, she decided to up the ante with another picture, which has since landed her large amounts of social media attention, and made her look even dumber, if that was possible.  Her second pic was a Fourth of July tribute, with an American flag in the background, a Bible in one hand, and an assault rifle in the other …

And the ashes of a bald eagle clenched between her ass cheeks…

When someone quickly juxtaposed this shot with one of every jihadist pic ever, it became clear the only difference was the Koran, and a different colored flag.  And now she’s the butt of the joke in an internet meme, which refers to her as “Holly Hobby Lobby” and “The Face of the American Taliban”.

Shoulda learned it from Oswald.  Those pictures of you sexually aroused by your firearm always come back to haunt you.

Clergy protest SCOTUS by handing out condoms at Hobby Lobby (Rubber meets the robe news?):<<AND>>Twat learns to tweet:<<and>>

And in “I’ll Show You Where the Beef Is” news tonight, Christian radio host and stuttering homophobic Bryan Fischer is apoplectic this week over Burger King’s new “Proud Whopper”.  In a commendable effort to embrace the current century and a less commendable effort to associate gay people with a restaurant known for shoving disappointingly small amounts of shriveled meat between dry, flaky buns; Burger King unveiled a new rainbow wrapped whopper with a message that read, “We’re all the same inside.”

“…Colon full of something called meat.” … This sounds like more of a “Five Guys Burgers and Fries” campaign … Or maybe In N Out Burger … Double Double Manimal Style!!!

The “Proud Whopper” was part of a limited time campaign in the San Francisco area that included an online video of customer’s reactions to the new packaging.  One woman on the video said the message on the wrapper made her cry.  She then revealed herself to be a first time Burger King customer by adding, (quote) “A burger’s never made me cry before.”

“Next on Doctor Oz … Where do Ass Burgers fall on the Autism Rainbow Spectrum???”

As touching as this inclusivity was to some, Fischer lamented over the decision saying (quote) “I think this is a marketing mistake… because I gotta guarantee you, when people sit down to eat a hamburger, the last thing they want to be thinking about is two guys having sex.” (end quote).  Because how could one possibly be expected to look at a rainbow colored fast food wrapper and not visualize a dick being rammed into a man’s ass?  Just suck a cock, Bryan!  One cock… I promise you, you’re gonna love it.  Just let go, step out of the closet and suck the first cock you find… you can use mine if you want to, just embrace your transparent desire to tongue-buff a hairy pair of testicles already.

Have you ever seen the people that walk into a Des Moines, Iowa Burger King???  The rainbow wrapper and the image of ‘dude on dude’ might not help, but they’re eating those 3 fucking Whoppers!!!

Christian Radio Host: “Burger King is gonna make us eat them Gay burgers!”

And finally tonight, from the “Gay Coffee Scalded My Balls” file: A slow-witted, overly-sensitive Christian named Joseph Parker got a job at a gay bar.  So keeping in mind he deserves whatever he gets, here’s the rest of the story …

Except buttrape.  Because we at the Scathing Atheist do not endorse butt-raping Christians.

So just get that out of your head … Parker wanted to find a pleasant Jesus-y work environment, so he decided the best place was an alcohol store for homosexuals called “Sidetrack”, in a neighborhood of Chicago called Boystown.  He became offended by the hilarious anti-religious humor in clips shown on comedy night, such as South Park’s The Spirit of Christmas, and decided to sue the bar for religious harassment.

If you don’t want to be insulted, find a less stupid religion.  It’s that easy.  Jesus getting his ass kicked by Santa is funny.  Nothing a court of law can do about that.

Exactly!!!  Now the complaint about the videos is only one part of this litigious asshole’s case, but fortunately reason prevailed on this particular issue.  Judge Amy St. Eve rejected the “cartoon is harassment” claim, pointing out that any reasonable person can see that what happens on the televisions … is NOT the offensive part of a gay bar to a Christian employee.

Right.  What the hell was even claiming?  “They didn’t just play South Park clips… they played South Park clips at me?”

At some point this story clearly needed to turn into … 30 seconds on the clock … “Offensive Cartoons to Scare Away Shitty Christian Busboys From Their Job at the Gay Bar” … GO!!!

Maybe we could count down all the sex acts Jesus hates in “101 Damnations”

“Erect it Ralph”

“A Gland Before Time”

Since we started with animal stuff anyway … “Booty and the Beastiality” ???

And for the gutsier bestial “The Lion Kink”

“Mo, Dwight, and the Seven Dwarfs”

What about a team of gender reassignment superheroes called “The Ex-Men?”

“Beavis and Butthead do an American Tail: Fievel Goes South”

“Grabba-Dees Balls”

“How to Drain Your Dragon”

“Inspect-his Gadget”

“Adopted Family Guys”

Reaching way back here… “The Last Eunuch Porn”

I don’t want to sound like a queer or nothin’, but eunuch porns are kick-ass … Okay done quoting that cinematic classic called “Orgazmo” …

What about “Sex Toy Story” ??? <Round 7 – Step it up!> … with Spuzz Lightyear

Now I’m imagining the Pixar logo, but with a fleshlight instead of the little desk lamp… what about “Captain More than 6000 year old Planet?”  That’ll piss ‘em off.

“White and Cloudy with a Lance of Meat, … Balls”

“Phallus and Gromit: Curse of the Queer-Rabbit”

“The Litte Mermaid Money Shots” … AKA … “Under the Semen” … AKA … “Blinding Nemo”

“The Cocky and Ball-Wrinkle Show?”

“Manimaniacs” … And the lesbian one was “Shiny Poon Adventures”

“Chalice in Wonderland” and the sequel, of course, “Through the Hooking Ass”

Maybe a Lindsay Lohan lesbian jail porn? … cartoon? … Since that’s completely a propos right now … What about: “Li-Lo and Bitch” ???

And because you can never get enough Lindsay Lohan lesbian jail porn, how about “Hey There, It’s Li-Lo-gi Bare?”  Just one of the many fine programs from Lindsay Lo-Hanna Bars-Bare-All productions.

“Sponge Bob’s Spare Pants” … Things got messy with Patrick’s starfish … And then again with the spare pants … It’s a jizz mopper joke.

Judge rejects claim that playing “South Park” at gay bar creates hostile work environment for religious employees:


Well it’s kind of a universal sign that when the jizz mopper shows up, we’re done, so I guess that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back the glass will be a little streaky.


This Week in Misogyny:

Okay, so I want to be careful because I don’t want to turn this segment into “This week in men saying dumb shit about rape”.  But as I perused the headlines this week it became inevitable that this was gonna be another rape-week.  So let’s take an international rape trip together and learn about all the new types of rapist the world has to offer.  I’d ask your permission, but then it might end up being a consensual trip.

We’ll start in the rape cultural capital of the world, India, where we meet the “uncontrollable” rapist.  These nomadic barbarians apparently wander on to Indian beaches and snap into frantic rape frenzies if they see female navels.  Minister Sudin Diaper-Licker warns about these types while reminding women not to tempt them by publicly wearing bikinis.

Diaper-Licker head’s the public works department for India’s wealthiest state and his proposal for preventing the unending, statewide rape epidemic is for the women to dress less rapeably.  But don’t worry, one-pieces aren’t the only suggestion he offers to improve the safety of India’s women.  He also suggest not wearing short skirts.

Bikinis to blame for Indian rapes, says state minister:

The next stop on our tour lands us in the United Kingdom where we meet the “Classic Rapist”.  I can’t tell you exactly what a “Classic Rapist” is, but I can tell you that convicted rapist Lee Setford isn’t one of them.  After being found guilty of raping a woman who was asleep on his couch, the judge explained that Setford wasn’t “a classic rapist,” adding, (quote) “you’re not the type who goes searching for a woman to rape” (end quote).

Now before you go condemning this neo-rapist in your head, I should mention some of the other mitigating circumstances His Honor pointed out.  First of all, the young woman was (quote) “a pretty girl who [he] fancied” but perhaps more importantly, he (quote) “simply couldn’t resist.”

No word on whether the victim was also guilty of bikini wearing, but I think we can all agree that any woman who loses consciousness without locking her iron panties is just asking for it.

Don’t worry, he wasn’t a “classical rapist”, he just lost control, says Judge:

And finally, we head back to the good old USA to a man so misogynistic he’s in the intro to this segment.  You may recall Todd Akin as the man who introduced us to “Legitimate rape” while aborting his senatorial bid back in 2012.  This led to several futile weeks of apologies and he’s back in the news again with another apology…. for the last apology.

Despite disavowing those statements repeatedly in the media aftermath, this week he revealed in an op-ed that he had his fingers crossed the whole time and was secretly “not sorry”.

Akins doubled down on the claim that the stress of rape kills sperm despite there being no actual evidence to support his bullshit.  He invites those who doubt him to simply google “stress and fertilization” because the google never lies.

Todd Akin apologizes for apoligizing for rape comment:

That’s all I have for you this week and after spending the whole segment discussing patriarchal excuses for rape, I kind of wish we’d just had another bunny-punching story to talk about.  I’ll be back next week unless we somehow rid the world of sexism between now and then.



Hello, this is god.

Afternoon god, this is Sally with Facebook.

Sally.  How the hell are you?

Be careful god, you know how nervous I get when you use my name and “hell” in the same sentence.

(chuckles) So what can I do for you today, Sally?

Just a couple prayer requests that met their “like” threshold.  There’s the little girl in Racine with the heart valve issue; there’s the down syndrome kid in Mechanicsburg that got his penis caught in the tractor… there’s… let’s see… I’ve got a kid in Omaha with Leukemia that got his ten thousand likes… not the black kid, of course…

Listen, Sally… this was great the first couple of times, but if we’re gonna keep doing this, I think we need to up the limit a bit.  Maybe a million likes?

I’ll pass that suggestion along, but I don’t see my supervisors acting on it, to be honest.

I’m serious.  Last month I wasted a perfectly good miracle giving some kid in Phoenix a fully functional Iron Man suit.  And I still haven’t gotten around to brimstoning Justin Bieber…

Well, we would advise you to budget your time better, god.

Hey, look, back when I agreed to this I never knew it was gonna get out of hand so quickly.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

Look buddy, you’re omnipotent, but you’re not “Zuckerberg” omnipotent.  You’ve got a contract with us through 2018 and we’ll raise the minimum if and when we decide to.

Yes ma’am.

Alright.  So where was I…


Right.  The old woman with the heart murmur in Springfield, Missouri only hit eight thousand so go ahead and kill her… oh, but her dog had a tumor and he got ten thousand likes so a miraculous remission there whenever you get a chance.

That kid with the two heads in India didn’t get ten thousand likes, did he?

Not even close.

Oh, good… cause I don’t know how the hell I was gonna fix that.  Whoo… what a fuck up that was.

Not to worry, God, we specialize in affluent white children.

Oh, hey, do you talk to Satan at all?

Of course.  I see him in the cafeteria all the time.

Is he… um… what’s he been up to?

He’s hard at work on the new page design.

Can you maybe… tell him I said hi?

Yeah, God… I’ll tell him… again.

Tell him I’m keeping pretty busy up here, though, you know?  Those parking spaces aren’t just gonna find themselves.  Yes, sirree, I’m still happy that we broke up and all… but still tell him I said hi.

Will do, God.

Thanks Sally.  Oh, and sorry about the thing with the bus and your uncle Rick.

The what?

Oh, nevermind… sorry, that’s next week.  My bad…

Wait… what thing?

Nothing… gotta run

God?  <Dial Tone> God?  God… Damn you…


Poem – Song of Solomon

When I decided to write a poem for each book of the bible, I didn’t realize how often that would leave me writing poems about bad poems.  So when it came to “Song of Solomon” I figured we could just give it a modern reboot.  “Song of Solomon” is a love poem in three parts, the man, the woman and a group of friends.

So joining me for the poem tonight is Lucinda, playing the part of the woman… sorry to typecast you, baby… and playing the part of the “friends” will be the intrepid Heath Enwright.  You guys ready?

Alright… “Song of Solomon,” in rhyme:


Man: My lover, my lady, I think of you lately; every time that I pasture my sheep.

I think of you often in an effort to soften; if things get hard when I’m trying to sleep.


Woman: My lover, my suitor, I have a dripping wet cooter, which is a breed of American turtle,

And the land where I dwell, was as hard as his shell, but you left my soil soft, plowed and fertile.


Friends: My companions, my friends; I think we know how this ends; as your passions are sure to prevail.

I see you connected, as love is erected; In fact, I’ve pictured it in vivid detail.


Man: My cohort, my chum, I want her to come; Again to my chamber and linger;

Friends: It’s clear you’re enamored, so just get her hammered; and when you’re done, let me smell your  fingers.


Woman: My acquaintance, my pal; he should grace my canal; but how should I offer this plea?

Friends: Hmm… In the midst of a chat; simply tell him all that, but when you say “canal”, maybe leave off the “C”?


Man: My beauty, my love, your eyes are like doves, and your teeth are like damp, naked goats.

Friends: That comparison’s shit.

Man: Yes, I’ll freely admit, that’s not the sexiest of biblical quotes.


Woman: My darling, my beau; I want you to know, that when I think of you I tingle inside.

I throb and I shiver, and tremble and quiver, or at least I did until the batteries died.


Man: But at last we’re united;

Friends: Squeeze her tits, dude,

Man: Be quiet;

Woman: Hey listen, that’s advice you should follow.

Man: My love, my divine, let me pour you some wine.

Woman: It won’t be the last thing tonight that I’ll swallow.


Man: You should lie on the bed,

Woman: This wine’s gone to my head, so have your way with me before I get sleepy.

Friends: Go ahead man, just kiss her.

Man:My lover, my sister…

Woman: Don’t call me that; it’s fucking creepy.

Man: My angel, my dear, you seem burdened, I fear;

Woman: I am love.

Man: By what?

Woman: All this clothing.

Man: I’ll see that undone.

Friends: Well you two have fun; I’ll be out here beating off to her moaning.


Woman: My suitor,

Man: My lover;

Woman: Below him,

Man: Above her;

Woman: With his sweat dripping down on my head.  My lover,

Man: My lady,

Woman: My darling,

Man: My baby; I’m sorry, but that wasn’t sweat.


Man: My love, a proposal,

Woman: <Garbled>

Man:I suppose I’ll; wait to ask until you’re done sucking.

Woman: <swallows hard> Go ahead.

Man: I think we should wed.

Friends: I pronounce you man and wife, now get back to the fucking.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the part of the show with a segment title that’s so self explanatory, it needs no additional explanation but I always feel the need to put a sentence here anyway.

Our first email comes from Sweden where Filip asks for a little clarification on the Hobby Lobby ruling we’ve been talking about the last couple of weeks.  Specifically, he wondered if we could elaborate on the term “sincerely held religious belief” and what that means from a legal perspective.

Yeah, that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?  As near as I can tell, the testicled members of the Supreme Court plan to use a combination of FMRIs and nanobots to determine the sincerity of one’s beliefs because if they couldn’t do that, it would be an impossible to apply legal standard that could only lead to the wealthier and more litigious believers gaining privileges the rest of us don’t have, huh?

Maybe they could make a list of all the laws we are allowed to break from now on.  I’m drawing up the bible for my new religion …

But if we haven’t talked this thing to death yet, I do hope to get somebody on with a background in law that has enough familiarity with this case to answer Filip’s questions and several of my own.

We also got an email from Terry who is wondering when we’ll have the Diatribes collected as an audiobook for our visually impaired listeners.  And I know that seems like it would be really easy to do… If only Noah had all the audio files of the individual diatribes already recorded to give him a head start…

Right, but finding the time to record all the intros, put it altogether and edit it so the sound levels are consistent has proven to be a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I promise, I am working on it, though, and I hope to have it done by the end of the month unless some other unforeseen thing is hard.

And Noah’s old and married, so that would be unforeseen.

We also got a Tweet or three from @BangsNaughtyBit who thought we were a little hard on pastor Ricky Martin in last week’s lead story.  You’ll recall he was the pastor that was running the refuge for sex offenders in Alabama.  And to be honest, when you give Heath and me an Alabama trailer park full of sex offenders, that’s like our air.

Yeah this guy’s absolutely right … I’d like to issue a self-proclaimed completely genuine apology to the guy that made the perfectly reasonable decision to hoard convicted sex offenders in his backyard redneck terrarium … I’m so very sorry.  You’re a gentleman and a biblical scholar.

That being said, after reading up a little more on the story I think Naughty Bits is probably right and while it does make for great dick joke fodder, I was a little harsh on the dude when I called him the “bad” Ricky Martin.  I know they have laws that say that sex offenders aren’t allowed to live within a thousand miles of a thing at this point and as hard as it is to sympathize with sex offenders, they do have to actually live somewhere.  And anybody with any sense knows to keep their kids away from churches so that’s as good a place for them as any, I suppose.

I thought convicted sex offenders were supposed to get murdered in jail … What’s up with the Alabama jail system???

Certainly not the first time those words were assembled in an incredulous inquiry.  So anyway, Pastor Martin was reaching out to help and even if it was in a way that kind of screams “terrible idea”, it’s almost certainly not as bad as “Living La Vida Loca.”

And finally tonight, an email from Karen, whose daughter is going to her first bible study next week.  She writes;

“… I was inclined to tell her she couldn’t go, but I don’t want to deny her time with her best friend and I don’t want to force my worldview on her the way my parents forced theirs on me.  At the same time, I want to arm her against the type of indoctrination I know takes place at things like this.  Any advice?”

So first of all, I want to take issue with the concept of not wanting to force your worldview on your kids.  That’s a pretty common thing amongst atheists for exactly the reason Karen describes; my parents crammed their religion down my throat and I don’t want to cram my atheism down my kid’s throats.

Yeah atheists tend to be better about the … throat cramming kids stuff.

But I look at this as a false analogy.  Cramming reason down somebody’s throat isn’t the same as brainwashing them.  If your parents raised you to believe in Shamanic medicine and then you grew up and learned about Western medicine, you wouldn’t let your kid explore both and make up their mind.  You would tell them about the one that’s real and warn them about the other one.

You can’t really “brainwash” the idea of: “Be flexible based on the data.”  That’s not a crammable thing.

Exactly… but I guess one way or the other it makes for a good top ten list.  So top ten warnings to give a non-religious kid going to their first bible study.

  • 10 – Don’t worry, they’ll provide you with knee pads … Some of them are even built-in.
  • 9 – The Bible isn’t the one with Voldemort in it.
  • 8 – Don’t be female.
  • 7 – Remember, if it has talking animals, it’s fantasy…
  • 6 – It has talking animals.
  • 5 – Ask yourself the whole time, “Is this more fun than Minecraft?”
  • 4 – You know all those stupid kids in your class?  They often become adults.  Just keep that in mind.
  • 3 – Just remember, if you decide to be religious, you’re not allowed to touch yourself.
  • 2 – And no, not even the “Dutch Rudder” … or the “Israeli Jib Sheet”
  • 1 – Don’t forget your rape-whistle.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more emails, Tweets and smoke signals.  You’ll find all the contact info on the Contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.



Before we go quietly into the night I wanted to give everyone a quick update.  You might recall a story we shared a couple of weeks back about a humanist couple that were killed in a car accident.  We urged our listeners to check out a fundraiser that was set up for their two surviving daughters.  Anyway, we got an email from Elena, who was coordinating all of this a couple days back and I wanted to pass her thanks along to our extremely generous listeners.  The two girls are back home and doing much better, they send their gratitude, as does Elena, as do I.

I also wanted to remind you that you can catch more me on episodes 188 and 188.5 of the Imaginary Friends Show Dot Com Pode-cast with Jake-Farr Wharton.  We were joined by Paul from the Quranify Me Podcast and the skit we just wrapped up as well as Twitter’s very own (at) Amanda the Ablaze.  We had a lot of fun, made boob jokes, talked science.  If you want to check it out, you’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Also wanted to thank everyone who picked up a copy of our book, “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays from a Godless Misanthrope” over the last couple of weeks.  Big upsurge in sales this week so we’re glad to contribute to world literacy.  Thanks to everyone who recommended the book, talked it up on Social Media or left us a review on Amazon.  And remember, as of next week we’re already halfway through Volume Two, so be sure to pick up your copy of Volume One, quick before it’s old.

I can’t shut her down without thanking Heath once again for all the hats he wears in this operation.  I want to thank one of the three or four wives on the planet that would agree to do all the crazy shit I ask Lucinda to do for this podcast.

Obviously I want to toss out a big thanks to Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and Atheistically Speaking; Paul from Quranify Me; and David from My Book of Mormon.  Thomas may have won but the competition is damn stiff.  I’ll invite you to see for yourself by checking out all of their shows, which you’ll find linked on this week’s shownotes as well.

Of course, I need to thank Terry from the Amateur Skeptics’ Podcast for both providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for providing me with the image of Homo Habilis women on bicycles wearing lycra.  Terry also asked me to plug a charity bike ride coming up in Colorado.  It’s a fundraiser to the American Diabetes Association, she’ll be riding a metric century, which is a really long time, I think.  Anyway, I poked around a bit on the website and couldn’t find the date, but I did find a donate link, so if any of our fine and charitable listeners would like to help Terry help people with diabetes, you’ll find a link on the homepage of our website as well as on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most adjectivey nouns; Jay, Tor, Danielle, Tim, Ryan, Chris, David, Benjamin and Erik.  Jay, Tor and Danielle, whose tongues are so dextrous they can make an envelope come; Tim, Ryan and Chris, who are so sharp they can’t have any Bs or Es in their names; and David, Benjamin and Erik, who are the only non planetary objects that can affect the global climate when their poles shift.

These nine noble nonbelievers have nudged us that much closer to financial sustainability this week by giving us money.  It takes guts to give us money, as well as a skeleton in which to put them.  But if you have a skeleton and organs, you, too, can give us money.  You can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.

And if you’d like to help but you’re still saving up for the cybernetic implants, you can also help us a ton by joining the more than 500 awesome people who have taken the time to leave us a five star review on iTunes… or the more than 42 awesome people who have done the same on Stitcher.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 73 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints.

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Warning: We use the F word all the fucking time.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Holy Land Rover: Religious Car Emporium of the Gaza Strip.

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Holy Land Rover: The first name in Kosher and Hal-All Terrain Vehicles

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s July 10th

And yes, if I’m way more intelligent than you … I’m probably right, and you’re probably wrong.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from foreign terrorists’ favorite target, New York, New York,

And the domestic terrorists shopping at Target, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • An Alabama church’s inbreeder reactor reaches critical mass,
  • We’ll get to the part of the bible your grandma masturbates to,
  • And we’ll discuss how gay shoes affected this year’s World Cup,

But first, the diatribe.



Two weeks ago, I had all these unhatched chickens.  I was gonna blanche ‘em, season ‘em, fry ‘em… slather a little buffalo sauce on their wings… it was gonna be awesome.

And now I’m moping over some improvised scrambled eggs.  And I’ll tell you why; like a lot of people, I’ve been looking at the numbers.  Year after year I watch the polls roll in and year after year they look ever more promising.  So I’m extrapolating.  I’m reading the trend lines.  And when you do that, you look ahead fifty years or so, and it seems like we could damn near win this fight in my lifetime.

I see articles about how religion could disappear entirely from places like New Zealand and Ireland in that time.  I hear my fellow podcasters speculating on the idea that an atheist podcast might be unnecessary in another couple decades… and not just because we’ll have brain-downloadable halo-casts by then.  But because there’ll be nobody left to fight.  We’ll be like Alexander crying like a bitch over the lack of massacrable mermen in the Indian Ocean.

And their logic is sound, right?  If you look at the demographic trends and you do some basic math, it looks like we’re kicking ass.  Sure, we’re still outnumbered fifty to one worldwide and about forty to one in the US, but we’re winning.  All the evidence is on our side, academia is on our side, religion’s collective PR team has a gatling gun trained on it’s own foot and the numbers are swinging our way at a pretty outstanding clip.

Those are some damn healthy looking eggs.  But they’re not chickens.

The Hobby Lobby decision was a huge wake up call for me personally and I think it’s fair to extrapolate that out to the whole atheist community.  We’re fools if we think religion is gonna tuck its tail between its legs, abdicate the social throne and go quietly into the night.  They’re gonna fight tooth and nail, every step of the way and the closer our chickens come to hatching, the heavier their hammer is gonna get.

The hammer of choice right now is the term “Religious Freedom”, which is starting to scare the hell out of me.  There was a time when “Religious Freedom” meant that the government couldn’t pass a law against being Catholic, or make a law saying everyone had to be Baptist.  And back when we were using that definition, I was all about it.

But now when they talk about Religious Freedom, what they’re really talking about is “Religious Exemption”; the right to live by a different set of standards than non-religious people.  That’s the exact opposite of actual religious freedom.  As soon as you set up a law that says, “It’s okay to deny contraceptive care, but only if you’re an evangelical fundamentalist,” or “It’s okay to have a beard around this equipment, but only if you’re a Sikh,” or “It’s okay to suck mutilated baby dicks, but only if you’re a jew,” you can’t have religious freedom.

The entire point of religious freedom is that everyone gets treated equally, regardless of their faith.  Do I really need to point out that having a different set of laws for every religion isn’t equality?  Does that really need to be articulated?

And I’m sure the supporter of this bullshit worldview would argue that each religion’s beliefs are being given “equal” respect… that’s the point… that’s where the “equality” is; but that’s nonsensical.  First of all, it’s just not true.  There’s no official government registry of religious beliefs.  The only thing that makes a belief a belief in the eyes of the law are how many people espouse it.  Obviously if eight people say, “Hey, this is our religion and it allows us to smoke weed and jack off in public,” the courts aren’t gonna protect that “religious belief”.  The courts are going to have to decide on a case by case basis what people do and don’t “really believe.”

But secondly, and more importantly, even if it was true, that wouldn’t be a good thing.  The religious beliefs we already make exemptions for allow for child abuse, cruelty to animals, misogyny, the medical neglect of children… do we really want to expand that list?  And if we do, do we really want to expand it indefinitely?

There’s nothing in the bible about abortion… except that weird magical abortion formula in Numbers.  There’s nothing in the bible about contraception.  And there’s certainly nothing in the bible about mandatory healthcare minimums.  This isn’t a universal Christian value or anything.  It’s just what some guy said he believed.

One of the many things that makes this particular case so egregious is that it’s a transparently political belief that is unsubstantiated by the religion in question.  And fundamentalist Christianity in America is increasingly a political party.  So what we’re doing here is creating a protected political class of people who don’t have to abide by the laws the rest of us agree to if Jesus doesn’t want them to.  And again, it’s not like Christ the Savior filed an amicus brief here.

Now, strangely enough, I’m gonna close tonight on a quote from Antonin “The Devil is hiding in my Raisin Bran” Scalia in a decision from 1990 when he completely shot down a religious exemption case that didn’t happen to involve his own religion:

(quote) “To permit this would be to make the professed doctrines of religious belief superior to the law of the land, and in effect to permit every citizen to become a law unto himself.” (end quote)

Apparently in 1990 he still thought that was a bad thing.



Joining me for headlines tonight is stereotypical New Yorker, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to parallel park while eating an everything bagel and bitching about the rest of earth’s inferior pizza?

Fuck you.

Stereotypical enough, I guess.

That shit’s not pizza!!!   In our lead story tonight, from the “Triple-Ex-Con-gregation” file, Pastor Ricky Martin – of a nameless area near Clanton, Alabama – decided in 2010 to create a trailer park behind his Triumph Church, that has since housed approximately 50 convicted sex offenders … all together … with plenty of like-minded accomplices …

You know you’re doing something fucked up when people have to refer to you as the “bad” Ricky Martin.

In a surprise twist, the state of Alabama had to be the voice of reason, when their inspection of his property revealed that he was either operating a really weird theme park … or he was running an un-licensed training facility for ex-con rapist gypsy bare-knuckle boxers.  <I fucking ‘ate pikeys> Either way, they shut it down.  And if we’re splitting hairs, the convicted sex offenders might not have been gypsy bare-knuckle boxers, but they were certainly nomadic rednecks, which is close.

Judging by what I’ve seen of Alabama, bare-knuckled sumo wrestlers is probably closer to the mark.

Seems like Alabama will now be facing the extremely awkward task of evenly distributing the convicted rapist horde throughout the state.  So some guy … is in charge of – I guess – flipping coins and rolling D20’s to determine which ‘presumably cured’ rapist goes where.  Figuring out which towns have the ugliest kids … Weird job.

Yeah, hopefully they can find an enclave in Alabama filled with obesity and inbreeding.

When asked for comment, Pastor Martin may have said (quote): “At first, it was just the homeless other guys from Menudo, but it ballooned into this big thing.” (end quote) … The pastor also pointed out that his tenants haven’t committed any crimes, and that he deserves credit for having not yet injured anyone with his enormous powder keg.

And he’s just assuming there’s no kid fucking going on, right?  What are they, on the buddy system?  And you know what they say, when you assume, you make an ass rape out of the frisbee going over the wooden fence.

Deleted scenes from “Sandlot”…

Couldn’t have been good when some mom went on one of those pedophile map websites, and saw a ridiculous cluster of 50 red dots on a single church … Any more than the size of the staff, and it’s obviously suspicious.

Alabama shuts down church’s “Sex offender camp”:

And in “Of Fucking Course They Did” news tonight, the day after the Hobby Lobby decision was announced, fourteen religious employers sent a request to the Obama Administration asking that they be exempted from hiring the gays.  The coalition includes bigots from a wide swath of white, predominantly male, conservative, Christian institutions; and points out that a pending executive order would make them hire them thar fudge packers and lesbos.

Yes exactly.  It would be a very useful bigotry tax.  So homophobic, libertarian, Christian assholes can still pollute the world with hate all they want, but they have to buy carbon credits from all the gay corporations that aren’t using them.  

In the letter, they pointed out that issuing an anti-discriminatory policy without a religious exemption would mean that people who hate fags because Jesus hated fags would get lumped in with the people that hate fags just because they’re assholes, saying (quote) “We must find a way to respect diversity of opinion on this issue in a way that respects the dignity of all parties…” (end quote).  In other words, “You have to find a way to respect my lack of respect to the dignity of others with dignity”

“Where are we supposed to get dignity, if not by stealing it from gays by denying them basic human rights?!? … Don’t tread on me!!! … Go oppress your own dignity from the marginalized!!!”

This is only one flake in an avalanche of religious bigots trying to jerk every drop of sperm they can out of the the conservative court’s latest splooge of stupidity.  A jackass restaurateur in South Carolina is suing for his right to refuse service to blacks, citing a religious belief.

Do they mention the 15% thing in the Bible?

So can Muslim-owned corporations now refuse to provide health coverage altogether, because insurance is a form of gambling?!?  This whole issue is fucking asinine!!!  How does a panel of the nation’s most respected legal scholars not see that this ruling is manifestly untenable?!?  Utterly embarrassing!!!

Kind of makes you feel like Ruth Bader Ginsburg had to hurry to the presses with her dissent just so she could have it on the record before it was proven right.

So the ones that were proven to be blatantly wrong … They’re fired right???  For being wrong, when their entire job is to be right???  Kind of a big deal in that position.

Surprise, Surprise, Religious Assholes trying to use Hobby Lobby decision to not hire gays:

And in “Why Would the Voices in my Head Lie?” news tonight, Pope Frankenstein’s Monster sent a powerful reminder that you can have the sixteenth century when you pry it from his cold dead hand last week when he officially endorsed the “International Association of Exorcists,” a coalition of more than two hundred and fifty demon-wrastlers that spans over 30 countries and contains almost as many IQ points.  The organization was started in 1991 by Gabriele Amorth, a priest who thinks the devil can sneak into your brain if you read Harry Potter books or do yoga, says so in public, and is still allowed to use a fork like a grown up.

But I imagine he uses a bottom-weighted sippy cup to drink the blood of Christ … What does this even mean though?  The Pope “endorsed” the exorcist association???  Does he get official sponsorship at their events?!?  Vatican Water product placement???

Critics have pointed out that this can only lead to fewer people seeking proper psychiatric care, but Pope Fran-Sisiutl argues that there are really demons living in people’s heads that make them evil.  The pope wranglers have downplayed this because it proves that one of the world’s most powerful institutions is led by a shit-squeezing level psychopath.

Yeah good thing those wranglers are around to make sure the Pope doesn’t sound crazy … Dodged another bullet … But just to be clear on your terminology … Do you mean the Pope would be inclined to squeeze really hard if he had a handful of shit?!?

And would seek out a handful of shit for that purpose, yes.  Now, it’s worth noting once more that Amorth’s understanding of neurology is on par with his understanding of math, as he continues to claim that he’s performed 15,000 exorcisms in the last 30 years, which is about 14 per day.  And since he says some of them take months of “investigation”, that means upwards of 50 quickies on some days.

Vatican recognizes International Exorcist Association:

And from the “Glory hooooooooooooooole!” file, according to Russian Orthodox Priest Alexander Shumsky, his fellow countrymen on the Russian national soccer team were distracted by the homosexual footwear at the World Cup, which led to their embarrassing winless elimination … And I can’t help but wonder what role gay shoes played in the outcome of the Cold War, and the Lake Placid Olympics hockey tournament.

I’m dying to know what gay shoes tongue.  Alright, so lay it on me; how the fuck can a shoe be gay?

The very confused homophobic priest is likely reacting to a popular pair of cleats by Puma that has a blue left shoe, and a pink right shoe … And yes, if you wore those on any soccer team I’ve played for, we would have beat you up in the locker room.  But not for being gay … For being a faggot.

So you’re telling me the man who spends all his time around other men in dresses and is making a public statement about some other guy’s gaudy footwear is anti-homosexuality?

Shumksy is glad the team took their balls and went home while they still had the chance: (quote) “The liberal ideology of globalism clearly wants to oppose Christianity with football. I’m sure of it.  Therefore I am glad that the Russian players have failed and, by the grace of God, no longer participate in this homosexual abomination.” (end quote) … And it’s not just Russia.  Reports from around the world indicate that soccer is now (quote) “stupid and gay” in every country except Germany and Argentina.  

Shumsky also said that the players might as well be wearing (quote) “ a woman’s bra and panties” (end quote), which means that (a) he thinks there’s such thing as a man’s bra and panties and felt the need to clarify and (b) that he’s been thinking about soccer players in women’s underwear.

He also criticized the players for their (quote) “unthinkable” hairstyles.  And if you can’t see the picture I’m holding up, the priest looks like he was conceived when ZZ Top gang-banged Moe from The Three Stooges.  And someone had a uterus.

Priest says World Cup is an Abomination because players wear gay shoes:

And in “Shit Just Got Koreal” news tonight, North Korean officials have taken time off from fashioning exploding blunts for Seth Rogen to try two Americans accused of aggravated bible leaving.  This story begins with the unlikely combination of words “American tourists in North Korea” and ends with the predictable words “On trial for sedition.”

Did they figure out that Dennis Rodman is CIA? … And by the way, why aren’t we handling North Korea like North Vietnam.  We have a script for this.

The tourists in question were, of course, Christian missionaries who were almost certainly seeking to undermine the state with their treasonous Jesus propaganda and as much as I love the thought of Gideons in North Korean prisons, I’m still gonna call this one an overreaction on the part of Pete Rose Jong-Un, here.  Trust me, your people could use more bibles.  You let enough of them in and they wouldn’t have to burn their children in the rusted oil barrels that dot the landscape of your post-apocalyptic looking country.

North Korea charges two Americans with leaving a bible in a hotel room:

And from the “Other Penta-Grammy Awards” file, Christian hip-hop artists Flame and Lacrae – as well as two others that don’t have such a clever name yet – are suing Katy Perry for being an ideal defendant who has more money, and less Jesus.

Suing for insufficient Jesus worked for Hobby Lobby.

While they do mention musical theft, the crux of the complaint is not that Perry stole a useless 8-note riff from their song-with-stolen-name “Joyful Noise” … Although there is a suspicious 8-note riff with different notes in her song “Dark Horse” … They’re really suing her for irreperably damaging their reputation, by associating them with: (quote) “anti-Christian witchcraft, paganism, black magic, and Illuminati imagery..” (end quote)

I’m not conceding that these guys had a reputation to irreparably damage here; but if they did, there’s no quicker way to destroy it than taking credit for Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse.”  And plus, it’s four notes.  Seriously… they’re suing over a god damn B flat minor add 9.  Plus, fuck them for making me listen to that piece of shit long enough to know that.

So I decided to check for secret Free Mason Ralien DaVinci codes in Perry’s song, and based on my research, amidst the interminable dross that is her lyrics, the song contains the name “Aphrodite” … Which doesin fact – make her a demonic polytheist, just like half the Greek diners in the world.  

The video also has eyes in it, so that’s Illuminati all over your tits and a little on the bedspread right there.

So the pagan goddess reference, along with some badly-interpreted arbitrary geometry in her video, and the fact that she still shares a stock and STD portfolio with Russell Brand … I guess all that makes her bad for Jesus.  And of course, that ruined the otherwise-stadium-packing Christian rapper careers of four idiots, who think their idea for 8-bar musical segments is unique.  

I got just see them having their eureka moment…  “So what I did, and this is the clever bit, is after I roll our way down the B flat minor add 9… except I don’t know what it’s called because I’m not remotely a musician… but anyway, after I push those four piano buttons in order, I do the exact same thing over and over again until you stop singing words.”  For fuck sake, they didn’t even do the bendy thing!

Well somebody’s gonna need to make a list of evil band names that would bother the Bible-heads … And I can’t imagine anyone else but us taking the job seriously … So 30 seconds on the clock … “Blasphemous Bands for the Christian Music Bonfire” … GO!!!

See, this is gonna be hard for me because all the bands I listened to growing up were already Satanic, but I’ll try.  How about Mark of the Beastie Boys?

Blue Oyster Occult

Blasphe-Meat Loaf

Purga-Tori Amos

She’d be great in a duet with Celine Diablo.

Lack Sabbath

Wow… you just came up with the blasphemous version of “Black Sabbath”… well done sir.  How about “Faith no Morgies of Violence”?

Lord of the Fliza Minnelli

Damn it… I had “Father of Lies-a Minnelli”… now I have to go with something crappy.  How about “The Mephisto-Police: Featuring… Sting of the Underworld”

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Darkness

Think Floyd

ApoState Radio

Penta-Gram Funk Railroad?

Maybe a collaboration album: Stone Temple Pontius Pilates … featuring Nine Inch Nails

Twisted Exor-Sister

Gay Might Be Science … “Nobody’s business but the church!”

Beelze-Buddy Holly?

Infidella Fitzgerald … rare twist for me … That was a clean scat reference … Now I feel like the listeners would be disappointed without a shit-demon reference …

“The Brown-Eyed Pees” … featuring Lucifergie

Nice.  I was sure you were gonna get David Grohl-agothan in there on drums.

Christian Rappers sue Katy Perry for linking their music to Paganism and Witchcraft:

And finally tonight, in “Stupid Compared to the Other Georgians” news, Atlanta Biology teacher and forlorn antebellum love-interest from a Twain novel, Anquinette Jones is in hot water after offering her freshman biology students a powerpoint presentation that linked the theory of evolution to Satan, abortion, euthanasia, homosexuality, divorce, pornography and racism.

Well if evolution can cause things … you might consider believing it exists.  Or was she trying to claim that people are choosing to kill babies, shoot porn, hate blacks, and be gay because they mistakenly believe that better animals fuck more???

Good luck figuring out what the fuck she was talking about.  According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, in addition to disturbingly preposterous factual errors, the presentation also included bizarre grammatical errors, odd illustrations, cartoons from Ken Ham’s Answers in Genesis and a picture of Octomom.  In an understatement seemingly calculated for comical effect, school officials told the paper (quote) “the science lesson plan was not properly vetted.”

I’m still wondering how it was improperly vetted.  Exactly what vetting occurred?!?  What did that look like? … “Excuse me, Ms. Jones? … Ms. Blanche DuBois? … Found your handouts from Darwin’s book on the copy machine.  Looks like the Genesis chapter is finished.”

When asked if she was offended by the presentation, a local parent said, and I’m loosely paraphrasing here, “Offended?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I’m terrified.  That babbling lunatic probably archives her urine in little jars and this fucking school had her teaching science to children.  Offended doesn’t even come close.”

Atlanta Biology Teacher: Evolution is from Satan:

And quick before my right arm goes numb, we’ll close the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be here for the sexiest book in the bible so far.


This Week in Misogyny:

Sometimes you read a news story and the chauvinism damn near makes the pages stick together, but other times the questions of gender equality can be a little more subtle.  For example, should women have the right to be forced to cover their faces in public by men?  Well, according to the European Court of Human Rights, no.

This is the latest (and hopefully final) chapter in the ongoing controversy surrounding France’s 2010 law, banning full face veils in public.  The complainant in this case was a muslim women who insisted that it wasn’t some man forcing her to cover her face; it was an invisible man with superpowers.

For some human rights activists, this is a sticky situation.  For women raised in a culture that tells them not to show their faces, it can be as stressful for them as being forced to show your breasts would be for a woman raised in our culture.  The fact that there’s more than a little bigotry fueling some of the support for it also doesn’t help.

All that being said, I’d say one generation of uncomfortable women is a small price to pay for future generations not being ashamed of their own faces… or their tits for that matter.

French full-face veil ban upheld:

Of course, for some people, the issues of women’s rights are pretty black and white.  Take Louisiana Congressional hopeful Bill Cassidy.  For him, it’s as simple as handing your girly bits to the nearest man and asking him what you are and aren’t allowed to do with them.  This staunch supporter of abstinence only-education, staunch opponent of contraception and fucking lunatic on abortion has a new grandchild on the way… via his seventeen year old daughter.

When he announced the pregnancy in a local paper he said (quote) “Our daughter now faces a more challenging future than her peers,” (end quote) which means he knows he’s making the lives of young women harder than they need to be when he comes out against the problem, the solution and the back up plan all at the same time.

Abstinence only advocate learns that shit doesn’t work:

And from Louisiana we’ll shift to America’s flaccid penis, Florida, where an argument about women’s rights ended with a subhuman jackass punching his girlfriend’s bunny.  Now, I have to admit that when I first read he punched her bunny, it sounded like fun to me, but then I realized that this bubbling rectal ejecta actually punched a little cute scrunchy nosed, fuzzy faced, floppy eared little adorable little bunny.  

And we’re not talking about the rabbit that Tim the Enchanter warned us about here, it’s a goddamn little helpless rabbit.  So here’s a quick piece of advice in case this real life Elmer Fudd is listening: Nobody has ever improved their position in an argument by punching a bunny unless the argument was “I bet you won’t punch that bunny.”

Florida man punches bunny over women’s rights argument:

Sorry about leaving you with such a depressing image, but I’ll be back next week and hopefully no animals will be harmed in the making of next week’s segment.



In the wake of the Supreme Court’s recent decision in the case of Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood vs. Common Sense, you may be left with a lot of questions.  How will this affect my insurance coverage?  What ridiculous concession will the Supreme Court allow for next, child sacrifice?  And, most importantly, what religion should my closely held corporation be?

When deciding on your corporation’s religion, it’s important to consider all your options.  You’re probably tempted to go with evangelical Christianity after seeing all the money Hobby Lobby will save by not covering contraceptive care, but the good news is that all the world’s major religions hate women, so whichever choice you make, you’ll be able to compensate them like a secondary class of menstruating harem girls.

In fact, if your primary concern is health coverage, perhaps you should consider Orthodox Judaism.  The money you’ll save not covering bacon related coronaries is more than you think.  Even better, think of all the money you’ll save on training manuals and internal memos now that the women that work for you aren’t allowed to read.  And sure, the Sabbath day restrictions are a pain, but Jew god has proven notoriously easy to fool.

Of course, Islam has a lot to offer American corporations as well.  Think about all the money you’re wasting this month by giving your employees lunch breaks during Ramadan.  Sure, the constant bowing to Mecca might slow you down, but it doesn’t take too many workplace stonings to keep your employees on task the rest of the time.  Plus, on-the-clock honor killings will cut your maternity leave costs by more than sixty percent!

But let’s not limit ourselves to the Abrahamic faiths.  Buddhism will absolve you from covering alcohol and drug related medical costs, but perhaps just as importantly, their restrictions against killing any living thing can save you a ton of money on sanitizing costs if you own a restaurant.

The same is true of Jainism, which will allow you to pay well below minimum wage, and if you go with the Digambar sect, the mandatory nudity you can impose will eliminate uniform costs altogether.  And the tenets of Hinduism are so ill-defined that you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want.

Of course, there are also a few religions you’ll want to avoid.  You might be tempted to go with Scientology to avoid all those troublesome psychiatric costs, but trust me, you’d be better off getting those Scientologists to shrinks.  Neopaganism offers you the opportunity to substitute an herb garden for a health insurance plan, but the group orgies and mutual masturbation sessions make for a lot of downtime.  You’ll also want to avoid Mormonism because it’s just fucking wacky.

But why limit yourself to religions that actually exist?  After all, the only functional difference between a cult and a religion is size so why not start your own religion?  The new faith of “Incorporatism” believes that CEOs and majority shareholders are appointed by god as his earthly representatives and should be showered with elaborate compensation packages and oral sex at all waking moments.  Considering the current makeup of the Supreme Court, we expect this to be the third largest religion in the United States by the Wednesday after next.

Just remember, the most important thing is to choose the religion that makes you the most money and allows you the greatest opportunity to interfere with the lives of your employees.  Because fuck those peons, you’re in charge.


Pascal’s Wager:

From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a few minutes to discuss some of the common apologetics used in defense of theism.  Heath, what incorrectly induced insult to intellect are we gonna tackle today?

Today we’ll be talking about “Pascal’s Wager.”

Hard to believe we haven’t done that one yet.  Alright, so if you don’t mind, set this up for us.  What is “Pascal’s Wager”?

Pascal’s Wager looks at religious belief like a bet.  Formally, it consists of five premises.

  1. We can’t determine the odds that god does or doesn’t exist.
  2. If we believe in god and we’re right, we get good stuff times infinity
  3. If we believe in god and we’re wrong, nothing happens when we die.
  4. If we don’t believe in god and we’re right, nothing still happens when we die.
  5. And, if we don’t believe in god and we’re wrong, we get bad stuff times infinity.

Based on those five premises, Pascal determines that the best bet to make, regardless of the odds, is that God exists.

Okay, so this one is pretty easy to refute.  All five of those premises are wrong.

Not necessarily.

Yes, necessarily.  The first one ignores the existence of less and more likely esoteric claims, the second and fifth ignore the existence of other religions altogether and the third and fourth ignore all the real world costs of believing in bullshit.

Well, according to your view, sure.

But my view, in this case, is the sound application of logic.

Yes, butthe gulf between this and proper logic is wider than the space between the dick and the walls of your mom’s vagina.


Calm down, that was less a joke about the size of your mom’s cunt and more a self-deprecating joke about the size of my dick.

Oh… but wait a second…

Perhaps this will be easier if we strip away all the formal logic stuff and look at the argument in its more common four-word form: “What if you’re wrong?”

But again that’s not sound logic by any stretch of the imagination.  The consequences of being wrong don’t factor into the assessment of a truth claim.  I don’t think I’m gonna get hit in the head by a meteor when I go outside and if I’m wrong my brain gets crushed.  That’s not a valid reason to wear a helmet everywhere I go.

Are you saying people who invoke Pascal’s Wager shouldn’t be required to wear helmets everywhere they go?

Well, I don’t think I’d go that far, but my point is the potential negatives of being wrong have nothing to do with whether or not the claim is true.

No, but it could have an effect on whether you pretend it’s true.

And see, that’s yet another fatal flaw in the argument.  According to pretty much all the religions, it’s not enough to just pretend you think it’s true.  A person can’t decide to believe something in the same way they can decide to bet on red or black.

But this isn’t a way of deciding a belief; it’s a way of justifying one.  People don’t believe in god because of Pascal’s Wager; they believe it because they were indoctrinated into it or because they suck at logic.  Pascal’s Wager is just there to make it seem less stupid internally.

Well then why do they always use it externally?

Because the “la-la-la I can’t hear you” approach is a little too transparent.  The point is that no amount of logical analysis is going to convince somebody dumb enough to use Pascal’s Wager.  You’d basically have to go back to the multiplication tables and start over from there.

Well if you can’t use logic, how could you possibly win the argument?

You can’t.  That’s my point.

Well, this is the “counter-apologetics” segment.  The whole point of this segment is to, you know, offer logical refutations to common religious claims.

Hold on just a second… I never said you couldn’t win the encounter, I just said you couldn’t win the argument.

Okay, now you’ve got my attention.  So what are you proposing?

Well, you might not like it, because it ends with all the Christians that use Pascal’s Wager dying in agony.

Okay, so you’re endorsing… genocide?

Well, it’s best not to think of it as “genocide”… think about it more as a voluntary exodus from the gene pool based on epistemological fuck-wittery.

I still don’t think that’s good.

Yeah, but it’s less bad.  Let me give you an example.  If there was an invisible, undetectable race of aliens from another dimension trying to infect you with space rickets by poisoning your food, you’d never be able to prove that, right?

Probably not, I guess.

And for all you know, space rickets is the worst disease in the galaxy:  It simultaneously grants you immortality and ensures that you’ll spend it with a really nasty rash on your balls and an incessant migraine and turds with nails in them.  For eternity.

For the purposes of this example, sure.

So all we have to do is put this idea in the heads of these Pascal’s Wager types.  Obviously, starving to death is better than space rickets, right?  So you’re better off not eating.  Sure, you might not believe the aliens are trying to poison you, but what if you’re wrong?

Okay, I see where you’re going here, but I don’t know that I’m ready to endorse that idea just yet.

You’re probably right.  It would take way too long for them to die that way…

Well, that wasn’t the crux of my objection, exactly…

How about this?  We tell them that the government is poisoning them with clouds of neurotoxins hidden in airplane exhaust and that would give them the space rickets.  And then they would have to stop breathing.

Well first of all, I think somebody’s already telling them that, and second, I still don’t think we should be looking for ways to necessarily kill anyone…

Right… of course.  Because it would be way more advantageous to keep them alive to do our bidding.  We could just tell them that their likelihood of getting space rickets is directly proportional to how much money they give us.

I don’t like that idea either…

…Right, because then we’d be starting a religion.  And that would make us no better than Jesus.


What the Fuck is… RFRA?

The lesser known third of Bill Clinton’s trilogy of horrible acronym legislation that gets pronounced like a real word; RFRA has been outshadowed by the economy-crippling NAFTA and the equality-crippling DOMA.  The law was passed by a unanimous Congress and 3 votes shy of a unanimous senate back in 1993.  Four years later it was declared mostly unconstitutional, and two weeks ago it was invoked to allow fundamentalist Christians to make medical decisions for their employees.

But what is it?

The heart of the legislation is contained in the following phrase: “The government shall not pass a law that substantially burdens a person’s free exercise of religion.”  A law can only be exempted if it meets the following two criteria;  One, the law must be necessary for the furtherance of a compelling government interest and two, it must be the least restrictive way to further said interest.

So basically the law says the government can’t do anything whatsoever until every individual religious person signs off on it.  So how did such legislative bullshit become law?  Easy; Americans are stupid.  But how did it pass with such universal support?

Well, it was originally proposed in response to two cases.  In one, the federal government was building roads across land considered sacred to some Native American tribes.  The second involved Native Americans getting fired after testing positive for mescaline.  And back when this was a politically correct effort to alleviate white guilt, it garnered support from the ACLU, along with every religious group in the country.

Part of the act was struck down by the court in ‘97 when a Catholic diocese wanted to expand their church but couldn’t because of a land ordinance.  The Supreme Court ruled in Boerne v. Flores that RFRA couldn’t be applied to the states, but it could still be applied to federal law.  In response, the congress clambered to religion’s dick tongue over lips to pass the even less pronouncably acronymed “RLUIPA”, or “Religious Land Use and Institutionalized Persons Act” in 2000.

In addition, once this weakness in the law was exposed, many states enacted their own versions of the same act, making the Supreme Court’s initial ruling increasingly irrelevant.

So what started as a well-intentioned but ultimately stupid effort to protect magic trees, magic cactuses and keep Native American tribes from drinking water that might contain “ghost sickness” is now being used to allow for-profit companies to limit their employees access to basic health care.  And as we discussed in the headlines, it’s not likely to end there.

Luckily, there is a well organized effort from one of America’s most proactive atheist organizations to get this law the hell off the books.  The Freedom From Religion Foundation has been pivotal in a number of our communities recent legislative victories and now they’re training their sights on RFRA.

This is a fight we all need to get involved in.  I’ll be including links in the shownotes for this episode to more information on the FFRF’s efforts as well as more information about what you can do to help.  Because “sacred groves?” “Ghost Sickness?”  Gimme a fuckin’ break.



A few weeks ago I posted something on our Facebook page about the bible being almost impossible to masturbate to.  And at the time I meant it as a joke, but after reading Song of Solomon I’m just redacting the statement altogether.  Basically, this book is a love poem that has nothing to do with anything we’ve read up to this point.  In fact, I would imagine it only got included in the canon when the night scribe accidentally left his porn scroll wedged into the bible when he went home.

Even though the scrolls are only one page, it’s still easy to get them stuck together, if you’re not careful.  

So to help us decipher who’s talking when in this book is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Happy to join you for “The Holy Babble… After Dark.”

Yeah, we should totally have some Barry White playing in the background for this one, but I’ll be damned if we’re securing those rights… or even the rights to a generic 70s porn soundtrack, so instead we’ll just dive right in.

  • And just to give everyone some context, along with the very heterosexual couple, there’s also a chorus-full of friends watching the whole time, singing about their voyeur party, doing their best to double as a 70’s porn soundtrack.
  1. And clearly both of them would rather be fucking farm animals, but they’re settling for each other.
    1. It got bestial quick, didn’t it?
    2. Yeah, the woman says, “fuck me like I was one of your sheep” and the dude says, “You remind me of one of the horses that pulls the Pharaoh’s chariot… but in a good way.”
  • I’d let her take a pull on my chariot of fire.
  1. And she’s giving him the whole bullshit modesty thing.  She’s saying, “Oh, you wouldn’t want to see my naked body… I’m so tan and fit from working in the vineyards all day… so sweaty and thin and bronzed…”
  • “Yeah sorry I’m not translucent like those real Jewish women in Brooklyn.”
  • And then the chorus teaches the girl how to be a stalker … “Dude’s a shepherd, right? … Follow the trail of sheep shit, and you’ll find his tent.  Just don’t forget to bring your goats, because he’s into that.”
  1. This book is a great break from what we’ve been doing though.  Because we used to have to look for innuendo and maybe stretch for a pussy joke here and there.  But this book just tees them up.  Final line of chapter one, guys says to his fit, sun-bathed hottie, “Our beams are cedar; our rafters are pine.”
  • Right, and she goes out of her way to mention that the “bed is verdant” … And if there’s grass on the field, you play.  Everyone feels more comfortable when there’s pubes.
  1. Then she says, “I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.  A lily among brambles,” which I took as an apology for her ungainly muff.
  • Yeah, sounds like 70’s porn bush to go along with the 70’s porn soundtrack.
  1. Then she compliments him by saying he’s like an apple tree.  Which is a probably a compliment to both the cock and the balls.
  2. And in case you think we’re exaggerating, Chapter two, verse 3 says “With great delight I sat in his shadow; and his fruit was sweet to my taste.”
  3. Yeah, so by chapter two we’ve already gotten oral and horsie-style.  <And she just tea-bagged his low-dangling fruit … Check.> And then in verse six we get a little finger-fucking.
  4. Then he chastises her for getting him hard before he has to go to work.
  5. And when he gets home we get this weird stalker moment where he’s staring at her through the lattice after leaping over mountains and coming on boulders.
  6. And apparently he’s eating her out so long she gets worried and tells him to come up for air: “Oh, my dove in the clefts of the rock, let me see your face…”
  • “At least wipe off your beard on my inner thighs, or something.”
  1. Chapter three starts out with some chick masturbating while she thinks about her lover.  Then she gets bored with her zucchini and went out to find some dick.
  • Yeah she goes down to start working the street corner, and the cops won’t even buy a blowjob.  
  1. So she asks the sentinels where the fuck-worthy dudes were, and eventually she finds somebody and drags him into her mom’s bedroom.
  • Because there’s no place I’d rather have sex than my parent’s bedroom.
    1. But I think she started trying to suck him off before he was hard again because he reminds her not to awaken love until it’s ready.
    2. So, unsatisfied with that cock, she sees the whole royal entourage coming and starts telling herself, “I think I can, I think I can…”
  1. Then the guy takes over the narrative and Cyrano De Bergerac he isn’t.
    1. It’s so bad.  They have lines in their like “Your teeth are like soaking wet, recently shaved sheep,” “Your breasts are like baby deers eating flowers” and the very hard to take as a compliment “You smell like Lebanon.”
    2. He also says, “Your neck is like the tower of David, on it hangs a thousand bucklers”… so I think he was complimenting the zits on her throat at that point.
    3. And at one point, he compliments her “channel”… he says it’s like an orchard with sweet fruit.
      1. I think it’s fucking hilarious that in my copy there’s a footnote on that line that reads, “Meaning of Hebrew is uncertain”…
  • Starting to sound more and more like Zeppelin … At some point he’ll be squeezing her lemon until the juice runs down her leg.  Gotta happen.  Further evidence that God might be John Bonham.  
  1. Then the creepy gets cranked up to eleven in chapter four when he starts calling her, “My sister, my bride…”
  2. But it works, because by the end of chapter four she’s unlocking her garden and telling him to eat from its ripe fruits.
  • And according to the girl’s own account, her orchard has “nards” … So this just keeps getting weirder.
  1. And I’ll admit readily that a lot of the allegory here makes no sense to me.  I’m pretty sure that at the beginning of chapter five when he’s talking about being asleep when his heart’s awake it’s a wet-dream reference, but later on the chick is talking about the sentinels finding her and whipping her so I’m not sure precisely what kind of kinky shit they were doing.
    1. I’m with you.  At first I’m thinking to myself, “Who the fuck drinks milk with their wine,” and then I realized that’s probably about sucking tits.
  • And then we get this creepy intruder role playing scenario.  Dude bangs on the door: “Open up!  My head is drenched with dew, and I’m here to have my way with you.”  But it turns out she was just hoping to get fake-raped by an intruder, because she was hallucinating, and what actually happened was she got gang-banged by the group of cops from earlier.  HOW IS THIS IN THE BIBLE?!?
    1. And then she tries the “your  eyes are like this and your cheeks are like that” thing, but she’s no better at it than he was.
      1. …Your eyes are like doves and your cheeks are like spices and your similes are like a reluctant bowel movement.
    2. And why are everyone’s eyes like doves?  What dove-qualities can an eye have that would make it attractive?  That’s just weird.
  1. And I’m pretty sure at a certain point the dude is counting on her just not paying attention.  In chapter six he basically says all the stuff he just said a couple chapters ago and sneaks stuff in like “You’re as terrible as an army with banners.”  That can’t be a compliment, can it?
  • Yeah apparently the line about having teeth that resemble a slightly hairy wet goat landed so well the first time, he couldn’t help but go back to that wordsmith well.
    1. And could either of you ever get a handle on who was where in this thing?  One moment they’re fucking, then she’s wandering the streets looking for him, then he’s fingering her, then he’s in the pasture with his sheep, then she’s gathering pomegranates and getting beaten by somebody…
  1. And is it just me, or is this book really materialistic?  Because basically, every comparison is to some precious metal or a gem or something.  It would be like telling your lover “Your lips are like fat stacks of hundreds; your cheeks are like red BMWs and your eyes are like the new iPhone that hasn’t come out yet…”
    1. And how the fuck am I supposed to not make a racist Jew joke in chapter seven when he says to his beloved, “You nose is like a tower of Lebanon, overlooking Damascus”?
  • Yeah, telling a girl that Syrians use her nose as a sun dial … not a good line …
  1. And how clumsy is this shit… Chapter seven, verses 7&8: “You are as stately as a palm tree and your breasts are like it’s clusters.  I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches.”  You’re not even trying at this point.  “Your eye’s are like… pretty things that are round… and your pussy is like a wet thing that I want to fuck…”
  2. And how are her breasts like coconuts?  Are they hairy?  Rough to the touch?  Hard to crack open without a hammer?
  • Don’t worry … they corrected that in my version.  Breasts are like clusters of grapes in King James.  Regardless, it sounds like this woman needs a mammogram.
  1. But just when you think this one’s got nothing new to offer, chapter eight ramps up the kink.  Opening line here, “Oh that you were like a brother to me, who nursed at my mother’s breast.”  So incestual cougar threeway?  Check.
    1. And in the second verse, he says… or she says… at this point who knows who’s talking any more, but somebody says, essentially, “If I just met you in the street, I’d drag you into my mom’s bedroom and get you shit faced until you fucked me.”  So this isn’t quite as romantic as some would suggest.
    2. And starting in verse eight it takes a turn so weird the rest of the book seemed normal.  It’s the chick talking now and she’s talking about how small her little sister’s tits are.  And if she’s a wall they’d build battlements on her and if she was a door they’d cover her in cedar.  Not sure what the hell that was all about.
  • Yeah the only thing left missing was a Lolita reference …         
  1. And the whole thing ends with what I think is them having a public quickie in somebody’s garden while a bunch of old women watch.

Yeah, so the obvious question as we close this one off is what the fuck was that all about?  There’s nothing in this book about god or religion or morals or… anything.

It’s like a Hollywood director got a hold of this thing and said, “Needs more sex… some non-rape sex, this time.”

Yeah, so clearly it was a Hollywood director and not a exec at HBO.

So just like that, we bid a bizarre adieu to the “Wisdom Books”.  Hopefully we’ll have some time in the coming weeks to give them a proper send off, but the next time we meet for the Holy Babble we’ll have moved into the final section of the Old Testament, “The Prophetic Books.”

Something of a program note; if you’re reading ahead, you’ll have noticed that the last twelve books of the Old Testament are all a couple pages long, so rather than spending eight and a half months of Holy Babble with shit like Malachi and Zephaniah, we’re gonna lump all of those together when we get there, knock this out and get straight to fucking with Jesus.

Nobody fucks with the Jesus.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the program where we read the critiques from our listeners and offer thoughtful, articulate responses like “fuck off.”

Speaking of which, our first email comes from a first time listener who kind of liked the show and all, but took issue with the 30-seconds on the clock bit.  Shawn said, (quote)

“If you’re gonna rip off @Midnight, at least you could be a little less obvious about it.”

And we’ll answer that with a quick trip to the timeline here.  Comedy Central’s soon to be short-lived late night vehicle “@Midnight” premiered on October 21st of 2013.  The first 30 seconds on the clock bit on this show debuted on episode 20 of this show and it was an extension of something we’d been doing as early as episode 12.  That was May 9th, five and a half months before they jumped on the bandwagon.

It became a weekly staple starting in episode 32, so even if you start the clock there we have them beat by a full month.  But we’re totally okay with them using our bit.

So only the guy from Singled Out can put specific amounts of seconds on a clock???  And only Tyler Perry is allowed to even consider what Jesus might do in a given situation?!?  Really?!?

Our next message comes from Kayla who asks which part of the show is hardest to put together each week.

She also promised to shit herself if we answered the question on air, so… you know … push.  Get that prairie dog going.

Yeah, for me, it’s the compliments to the donors at the end of each episode.  I feel like I can never let anybody down on that one and I don’t want one person to think their compliment wasn’t as good as the other person’s, so I stress on that one.

I guess it says a lot about me that when it comes to insults I don’t even slow down, but when it comes to complimenting people I have to pace for half an hour.

For me, it’s trying to match Noah’s level of tact and diplomacy when dealing with religion.  He’s always so classy about it, and I have to work very hard to keep up.

Good answer.  And finally we have an email from an unnamed listener in an undisclosed location who could be hanged or have his nuts chopped off if the wrong person knew he listened to this show, which still really fucks me up inside.

Anyway, he sent us a great email about what it’s like to live in a country where everyone’s doing the Ramadan thing.  He sent newspaper links about all these people that are rushed to hospitals every evening because they’ve tried to stuff whole chickens into their mouths the instant the sun winks out in the Western sky.

Yeah, and apparently starving zealots hurrying home for their 8:30pm breakfast have the driving skills of Asian women from New Jersey.

He also pointed out the amazing amount of food that’s wasted because of this holiday.  I guess all the restaurants have buffets when they’re allowed to eat again because they can’t wait long enough to order shit at that point.  I’m not sure if it’s accurate, but the number he cited was 1850 tons of food wasted over Ramadan just in Dubai last year.

Yeah so thanks for the email, unnamed listener, we really got a kick out of looking into it and we appreciate your continued willingness to be the first Scathing Atheist martyr.

And, of course, your email also got us to thinking of a potential top ten for this week.  So here are the top ten worst things about celebrating Ramadan … Take it away Paul Schaffer!!!

  • 10- You’re really fucking hungry.
  • 9 – But all the good vomitoriums have a three hour waiting list at dusk.
  • 8 – Even when you break the fast, there’s no bacon.
  • 7 – You don’t wanna be a Somali pirate.
  • 6 – The fast against sex and eating end at the same time, and that gets messy.
  • 5 – Tired of hearing the phrase: “But it’s a dry heave.”
  • 4 – The daily fourteen hour jerking off hiatus.
  • 3 – The rash you always get from condensing your jerk schedule down to eight hours.  
  • 2 – Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your stomach’s rumbling or the vest is detonating prematurely.
  • 1 – When the month is over, you’re still a Muslim.

And that’s it for feedback, if you want more, keep the tweets, messages and emails coming.



Before we drop the mic tonight, I want to remind everybody to check the shownotes this week for some important links about the FFRF’s efforts against RFRA, which was really hard to say.  Anyway, go to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and check the links at the top of the page.  This is a fight we really need to win.

And I guess that makes this a good time to remind everyone that with the exception of interviews, our full episodes are transcribed on the website each week.  The Transcript is always up within twenty-four hours of the show’s release, so if you ever want a copy of a diatribe or a poem or a 30 seconds on the clock bit or whatever, it’s there going all the way back to episode one.

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  I’m scheduled to record with Jake Farr-Wharton this weekend so I believe I’ll be on the upcoming episode of the Imaginary Friends Show.  As soon as that’s up we’ll have links to it on our Facebook page and our Twitter feed.

Of course you’ll always find bonus nuggets of Scatheism on both of those feeds as well as on the erratically published blog.  And sorry about the false alarm on having some guest posts on the blog.  I just buried under work this week, but I’ve got a post ready to drop Monday and many more to come.  So be sure to check that out as well.

I need to thank Heath for never running out of shit to wince at; of course I want to thank Lucinda for still being so damn sexy after all these years… and other stuff related to the show, too; I want to thank Professor Stephen for this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  You can hear him every week live with Cash on Atheists on Air.  He’s a really well informed skeptic and a funny mother fucker and if you don’t believe me, my evidence will appear as a link to their podcast on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people, Scott, Fred, Chris, Other Scott, Nasser, Lana, Sean, Gerard, Victoria, Cody, Glen, Matthew and Frank.  Scott, Fred and Chris, whose ejaculations have both started and ended wars;  Other Scott, Nasser, Lana and Sean, who are so intelligent they can refute the 10% brain myth with 90% of their brain tied behind their back; Gerard, Victoria, and Cody, who are so sexy they could turn even my laptop on in under a minute; and Glen, Matthew and Frank, whose dicks are so big they thought the Large Hadron Collider was a glory hole.

These thirteen ravenously rational rabble-rousers roused some rabble this week by giving us money.  Not everybody gives us money or we’d be fucking loaded.  But some people do so we’re able to scrape out a living making dick jokes about Jesus and for that we are truly and eternally grateful.  If you’d like to support the show, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like support our efforts but you’re still waiting for the ransom payment to come in, you can help us out in the meantime by leaving us a five star review on iTunes or any other place that allows you to gives stars to podcasts.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 72 – Partial Transcript

July 3, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.

BUY THE BOOK (Paperback) (EBook)






(For a complete list of links, please check out the shownotes under the “Shownotes” tab)


Warning: You can blame the Supreme Court for most of the profanity in this episode.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Apostate Farm Spiritual Insurance.

Are your teenagers starting to show signs of doubt?  Have they taken to sinful vices like asking questions and reading?  Well act now to lock in their absolution before somebody introduces them to the Euthyphro dilemma and the problem of evil.

Apostate Farm; because indulgences are making a comeback.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s July 3rd,

And Ken Ham’s Ark still doesn’t have the engine power to jump a shark like he wants.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Plaza Hotel” New York, New York,

And “Grits Carlton” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Murder suspects in Nigeria can now avoid jail by pleading ‘atheism’,
  • The SCOTUS will let Volkswagen send their Jewish employees to the special camps outlined by their sincerely held religious belief,
  • And if you see a suspicious package, you’re probably at a glory hole.

But first, the diatribe.



December will mark the five year anniversary of the last time I was in a church.  I’d been an atheist for quite some time by then, but my wife and I were visiting my parents for the holidays and after much cajoling, my dad talked me into attending the Christmas service.  He’d found this great church, see?  And I’d get a chance to hear him play in the band and he was doing a little one-man play during the service and it would mean so much to my mom and if I just said yes, he’d shut up about it.

So I put on my Sunday best, loaded up a couple extra episodes of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe and sat near the back.  But it became clear pretty quick that the church was too small and too crowded for me to get away with listening to podcasts the whole time, so instead I listened to all twenty six hours of the service.

It started off fine; a little story about Jesus showing up to wish himself a happy birthday with some destitute family.  And then there was bad music and bad acting (sorry, dad).  And then there was the main sermon (slash) screed in which the guy who pretends god exists for a living and pays no taxes on his home because of it stammered on all spittle-chunking, veiny faced about how persecuted Christians are in ‘Murica nowadays.

Now, when you and I hear “persecution” we think of the systematic mistreatment of one group by another, since that’s what that word means.  But Christians apparently understand “persecution” about as well as they understand “evolution”.

Exhibit A is the fact that the persecutory slight that elicited the ire of my dad’s preacher was some waitress wishing him “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”.  That’s right.  Failing to acknowledge the cultural supremacy of their savior’s birthday is persecution.

It’s their “go to” accusation at this point.  They’re being “persecuted”.  Anytime they lose a privilege that they never should have had in the first place, they cry persecution.  In fact, if you go to “persecution dot com”, you’ll find a CHRISTIAN WEBSITE there.

Being forced to stop leading public school students in prayer is “persecution”.  Being forced to serve gay people despite their brazen butt-fuckery?  That’s persecution too.  In fact, when Mississippi passed that bullshit law that allowed businesses to discriminate against gays, a bunch of businesses put stickers in their windows letting everyone know that gays were welcome in that particular business and the Christians called that persecution.  We’re talking about a sticker that basically said, “We promise not to persecute anyone” and “The American Family Association” called that persecution.

And look, if it was just a bunch of silly hate-groups like the American Family Association pissing, whining and redefining, it would hardly be worth getting worked up over.  But apparently this mutant definition of persecution has worked it’s way up to the god damned Supreme Court.

Now think about this for a second; if you strip away all the legalese, the real issue at stake in this Hobby Lobby case was the fact that the Christian owners of this business think that recreational orgasms are evil.  And apparently it doesn’t matter that they’re wrong because they’re religious and according to our courts, being religious is the same as being right.  Hell, their chief claim here is that certain contraceptives cause abortion.  That’s not an esoteric god claim… it’s a demonstrably false claim.  It’s been disproven by science and beyond that, it was already ruled to be demonstrably false in a previous Supreme Court case.  So the Supreme court agrees that they’re wrong… they just don’t give a fuck.

Writing for the slim majority, Samuel Alito said, (quote) “…according to their religious beliefs, the… contraceptive methods at issue are abortifacients.” (end quote)  According to their religious beliefs.  Not according to fact.  In direct contradiction to fact.  Doesn’t matter.  Because it’s a religious claim.

But of course, this isn’t really a case about religious freedom, it’s a case about Christian privilege.  The court didn’t rule in favor of Hobby Lobby because they thought that the ACA violated their religious rights, they ruled the way they did because they, too, think recreational orgasms are evil.  They ruled that way because they’ve accepted the bullshit definition of persecution that the Christians have been peddling for so long.

So they hide behind religious protection even if they have to pretend corporations have religions to get there.  Can we prove that the morning after pill doesn’t cause abortions?  Of course we can.  Can we prove that orgasms aren’t evil?  Of course we can.  Can we prove that universal access to contraception is a good thing?  Of course we can.  Can they provide evidence of any kind to bolster their claim?  Of fucking course they can’t.  But none of that matters, because it’s religion.  And it’s the right religion, too, because you can bet your ass that the Supreme Court that thinks corporations can have religions will feel way different if those corporations start bowing  to Mecca.

Hell, they basically said that in their decision.  They said this ruling doesn’t count for wacky shit like Jehovahs Witnesses not covering blood transfusions or religions that don’t believe in vaccines.  Just this other exactly as wacky shit that happens to line up with the religious beliefs of five-ninths of the Supreme Court.  The very fact that they made a distinction between this case and other similar religious beliefs is proof that this isn’t about religious freedom; it’s about Christian Privilege.  It’s about weaponizing the bible as a tool of discrimination.  It’s about cloaking your political beliefs in religion and protecting your undeserved social dominance.

The majority of the Supreme Court believes that it’s okay to let people make compensatory decisions based on an understanding of human development that’s been outdated since the first time the Wright Brothers got high, as long as their ignorance is sincerely held.  Just that much more evidence that the Supreme Court needs less religion and more vaginas.



Joining me for headlines tonight is still reeling American soccer fan, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to vent?

How does that happen?!?  Belgium’s tiny!!!  I get it … they’re right there next to France, Holland, and Germany.  Basically France with some good Arian genes … But there are enough soccer fields in this country to completely cover Belgium.  We just lost to Mini-France … in a sport!!!  This would be like Puerto Rico beating Team Europe.  

In our lead story tonight, we have the extraordinarily fucked up case of 29 year old Nigerian chemical engineer Mubarak Bala who made the mistake of telling his family he was an atheist.  Shocked by this admission, his family then launched into a series of logical, evidence based arguments in favor of their position… Which is a Nigerian euphemism for beating him, drugging him and locking him in a mental asylum.

And according to Sharia Lawyer Bello Shehu, Bala’s father had the family date-rape and abduct his son … to protect his safety … because (quote) “Once people got [a] glimpse that he is denouncing the existence of God … he could be lynched and the house set on fire.” (end quote) … So instead of anti-lynching measures, northern Nigeria pre-jails atheist lynch victims instead…

Now, I’m no psychiatrist so I don’t want to diagnose him from here, but if your dad holds the Orwellian title of “State Directorate of Societal Reorientation”, (That’s really his title!) maybe you do have to be nuts to tell him that Allah is a fairy tale.  So I’m not saying the dude isn’t crazy, but one way or the other, you’ve got a dude imprisoned for atheism and that’s pretty damn wrong.

Shouldn’t the CIA be inciting a civil war there by now?!?  The bottom half is Christian, and they have oil.

I’m sure they’re working on it.  Mubarak alerted the world to his plight via Twitter using a stolen phone and immediately atheism’s online community leapt to inaction by signing a series of online petitions, or, as I like to call them, atheist prayers.  Of course, I don’t want to downplay the social media campaign entirely, as it was no doubt the “Free Mubarak” hashtag that brought this case to international attention, which led to the London-based International Humanist and Ethical Union to take on his case… by starting another online petition.

Nigerian atheist put in mental ward for atheism:

And in “Up with false hope, down with dope” news, New Zealand had to remind the Universal Church of the Kingdom of God that they have a shitty name with two of’s … and that while they are permitted to blatantly lie in holy books and sermons, the world of advertising won’t tolerate quite that level of dishonesty.  

Take that religion!  You’re immoral by the standards of an industry that pays young women to fuck cheeseburgers on camera.

So this particular church put out an ad that basically claimed: “If you’re suffering from – among other things – deteriorating health and/or incurable diseases, then you’ll probably need to sign up for our Impossible Healing Class.  There’s no charge, but most people donate 10% of their income … or estate.”  

The fucking ad read like they had thirty seconds on the clock for “irresponsible things to claim prayer does”.  Here’s the actual list of things the ad says they can pray away: Incurable disease, undiagnosed illnesses, injuries, weight problems, pill dependency and sick children.  Yes, pray away your insulin dependency and your kid’s leukemia.  By all means.

“Call in the next 10 minutes, and we’ll throw in a free homeopathic elixir bottle … Just add water.”  Mark Hanna – co-founder of the Society for Science-Based Health Care (which shouldn’t have to exist) – noticed the ad, and given his extensive medical expertise, was uniquely qualified to dispute their claim about the prognosis for “incurable diseases”.  He lodged a complaint with an advertising watchdog agency, and since falsehoods are banned, churches pretty much can’t say things in ads anymore.  Good job New Zealand, for treating religion like cigarettes.

Well, unfortunately all the watchdog agency can do is tell them to fuck off, but they’re under no legal obligation to actually fuck off.  I loved the church’s excuse, too; “we’re not curing the problems, we’re helping you convince god to cure your problems.”  It’s basically like paying a hooker to introduce you to her slutty friend.

NZ government orders church to stop making claims that prayers do stuff:

And in “Corruption Junction” news tonight, the Egyptian government has announced a new public education program designed to steer the nation’s youth away from the dangers of atheism.  In what is being hailed as a commendable effort to insure that the high point of Egyptian civilization stays right where it was, the effort is intended to (quote) “confront all issues that negatively affect [youth] and hinder steps of development toward the future” (end quote).  Such hindrances, apparently, include a post Viking-age worldview.

So they’re going for futurism via Islamic fundamentalism?!? … Apparently, after Arab Spring, comes Nuclear Winter???  

Included in the effort to combat rationality are the Ministry of Civic Education, the Endowment Ministry’s “Mosque Management Service”  and a team of psychologists, all working together to find the best possible way of inoculating Egyptian kids against knowledge.  While children’s programs like “Credulous George” and “Where in the Underworld will Carmen Sandiego burn for her impious curiosity?” have been rejected, they are reportedly considering a public service campaigned entitled “The Less You Know”.

“I’m Barrack Hussein Obama – the world’s most famous Muslim – and I’m here to tell you, that women are a fire hazard during menstruation.  Be safe.” … The Less You Know … (Sound effect)

The minister in charge of the program compared it to a previous effort to combat religious extremism, pointing out that much of the violence in Egypt stems from religious extremists and the people those extremists keep killing.  He explained that (quote) “the ongoing conflict will lead youth to either be religious extremists or push them more toward profanity and atheism.” (end quote)  So either we’ll be stuck with a bunch of well-armed, irrational, violent fanatics or we’ll be stuck with atheists that say “fuck” a lot and both of those are pretty bad…

Egyptian government to save it’s populace from atheism:

And in “Throwing the Book of Mormon” news, attorneys for the Utah-based orgy club filed suit against disgruntled former head of their Canadian branch, Winston Blackmore, claiming his new British Columbia splinter sect stole their name by registering in Canada as the “Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints”, without approval from Vatican Salt Lake City.  They also claim he clearly stole their idea of tricking the local government – and a bunch of women – into letting them get away with polygamy.  

And while he was at it, he also stole his name from the evil industrialist in an episode of Captain Planet.  Winston Blackmore?  Really?  It just screams sinister monocle and red button that says “do not press”.  And if you think about it, how awful a person do you have to be before you think, “You know what would help my credibility is if people thought I was the Mormons.”

Said Winston Gargamel Blackmore to the Smurfs … Reports suggest a spokesman for Mormonism threw up a little bit of irony in his mouth when he made the following statement: “When weird polygamist spinoffs of Christianity use our name, it makes us look bad.” … And just in case you were curious, I’m told he did swallow back down the irony vomit, but had some trouble, and made a little bit of this noise: (NOISE!!!)

“And while we’re at it, we’d also like to sue Mitt Romney for the ‘Binders full of women’ thing, which made us look like assholes… and we’d also like to sue Clark Kent for stealing our magic underwear idea.”

So the Mormons are sitting around trying to figure out why book sales are down – and why people keep calling them for “tickets” – and they decided someone’s clearly messing with their trademarks, so it’s time for a lawsuit … “You guys think it might be the Tony Award winning Broadway musical that brutally mocks our entire existence? … Eight times a week in the middle of Manhattan? … Nahhhhhh!!!  It’s gotta be that hugely influential cult leader in western Canada.”

Mormons™ sue polygamist for using their trademarked name:

And in “Sometimes they fuck grown ups” news tonight, Catholic Reverend Sergio Librizzi was arrested in Sicily last Tuesday under allegations that he’d used his position as the head of a Catholic charity for immigrants to procure sexual favors in return for assistance in visa applications.  This “Blowjobs for Amnesty” program has apparently going on for at least five years and, in true Catholic style, was by no means restricted to adults.

Another one of those fun mental images here … Catholic priest out there on the docks in Sicily …   peddling his wares to fugitive stow-aways stepping off the boat … “Cocks for Docs here!!!  Cocks for Docs!!!  Ass ports for Passports!!!”

Librizzi was suspended by the church following his arrest.  Bishop Pietro Maria Fragnelli released a statement condemning the abuse (quote) “Not only because it may be a crime, but because it… seriously damages the dignity of the priestly service” (end quote).  Really, Bishop Fraggle Rock?  You really think you guys still have dignity to lose?  Because the only surprising thing about this is that he also fucked adults.  And plus, I’ve seen your hat.  Nobody with dignity ever wore an upside down pointed cranial scrotum to work.

Yeah maybe they’re hiding the dignity in the scrotum hat … Here’s how desensitized we are to priest sex scandals … The article about this from Religion News Service says: (quote) “The priest’s arrest is particularly embarrassing for the church given Pope Francis’ strong stand in support of the immigrants flooding the area.” (end quote) … So yeah, it’s the immigration issue … That’s the particularly embarrassing part.

Catholic “Blow Jobs for asylum” program called into question:

“And spit … and wipe your chin … and Benvenuto in Italia!!!” … Moving on … In “I believe that we will sin!!!” news, Muslim theocracy nations had extra trouble this year competing at the World Cup, beyond the normal difficulty related to less talented players, and never getting a scrimmage due to international sanctions.  In a perfect storm of lunar cycles, asinine rules, and FIFA governing, the tournament coincides with “The Ramadan” for the first time in 28 years.  

And Ramadan is kind of like a holiday designed by people who want you to think suicide bombing is a good option.

Right, so “The Ramadan” is the month-long, big deal, pain-in-the-ass, Muslim holiday, during which time believers must spend dawn to dusk completely fasting from food, water, sex, and involuntary emotions.  This means Muslim players think God wants them to spend 90 minutes running after a ball in the rainforests of Brazil, without a sip of water, or any food that day.  It also means idiot busboys at my restaurant have their fucking bare feet in the sinks with raw chicken all the time.  Because Allah wants you to bathe in salmonella.

You know, there was a point to Ramadan back when the villages needed to cycle through old people as fast as they could, but I think it’s outlived its usefulness by now.

There’s so much competition in this category, but the dumbest part of this, might be the fact that Muslims can’t even all agree on when Ramadan starts and ends.  Seriously, if you google “Ramadan” it tells you a start and end date, and then says “Dates may vary.”  That’s for real.   It’s supposed to begin and end based on sighting of a crescent moon, but nobody is clear on who has to see the moon.  So if these guys just don’t look at the sky for a few weeks, or if Brazil is overcast, they should be fine.  

Muslim soccer players starve themselves mid-world cup because religion is stupid:

And from the “Just Say Pope” file, Pope Frank Zappa recently weighed in on the international debate on marijuana legalization with a resounding “no.”  The expert in pretending mythology is real that believes in demons and zombies lent both his legal and scientific expertise to the issue, saying at a recent Drug Enforcement conference in Rome (fake quote) “we should at least give the mafia time to find new money launderers before we start fucking with their income.” (end fake quote)

Pope Frankinsensimilla continued: (fake quote) “Messi … Di Maria … Gooooooooaaaaaal!!!!!” (end continued fake quote)

Pope Framphetamine’s statements made it clear that he probably thinks that people who inject the pots see spiders crawling on them while they axe murder their families, but some experts speculate that this is part of a disinformation campaign to lead investigators away from the true source of that papal chimney smoke.  And when I say “experts” I mean me.  And when I say “speculate” I mean pull shit out of my ass.  Because I’m no more of an “expert” on the pope’s bong that he is on marijuana policy and thus have nothing substantive to add to the issue.

Pope says no to legalized weed:

And finally tonight, from the “Boobs, Tubes, and Lubes” file, Pastor John Piper – of the “Ask Pastor John” webcast – insists that watching a TV show that contains nudity, is equivalent to watching porn, which is equivalent to personally stabbing Jesus …

Which says to me that Pastor John is really bad at jacking off.  “Every time I do it I end up with a spear wound in my gut and a crown of pearls… and those aren’t the stigmata most conducive to masturbation.”

Well the gut wound could be useful, but … doesn’t matter.  So in response to a question on a recent show, which suggested drawing what Piper sees as an arbitrary line between Game of Thrones and ‘snuff films’, the pastor said: (quote) “If we choose to […] enjoy or pursue impurity, we take a spear and ram it into Jesus.” … So a kitten dies, and a savior gets impaled? … Well I stabbed Jesus twice since we started the headlines … And I’m not left-handed, so it was harder … More difficult.

And therein lies the key to the distinction.  It’s no great mystery how to tell porn from a show with tits in it: Are people naked long enough for me to from limp back to limp?  If not, it isn’t porn.  You don’t beat off to Game of Thrones… you beat off after Game of Thrones.  To porn.

I do both, but there’s still an obvious difference between porn and nudity … That’s why we have seperate entire words for them.  But if this guy’s gonna try to include HBO and DVDA in the same boycott, it’s like getting falsely accused of cheating on your wife … All the hassle, no new pussy … So let’s come up with some actual porn versions … 30 seconds on the clock … “Pornified TV Shows to Spite the Savior” … GO!!!

Dr. Who’s Your Daddy?

If we’re talking HBO Series, it begins and ends with “Cream On” … Well, ends …

I’m was sure you were going with “So-pornos”.  How about… Charles Enlarge?

“Spunky Brewster”

“The Big Wang Theory”

“Splooge McDuck Tales” … “Fuck Tales with Splooge McDuck”???

And just because I’m sick of people saying it can’t be done: “Whore Minge is the New Black”

“Happy Sprays” … And with a black light, you’ve got “Glowing Stains”

We Love Lucy… from both ends.  Like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs.

Can’t believe we haven’t mentioned any “Inter-racial Little Midget People Handjob” stuff yet … Wouldn’t want to accused of being remiss … or racist … What about “Different Strokes”???

“Honey Boo-Bukkake”… and just try not to let that one conjure any mental image at all, by the way.

Everyone must absolutely google “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” and also “Bukkake” … That’s B-U-K-K-A-K-E … Bukkake.

And when you do, remember, some photoshops can probably get you thrown in jail.

Ok so, inter-racial midget handjobs: check.  Bukkake: check.  As long as we’ve got the Yahtzee sheet right here … We don’t have any “Urine” category stuff yet, so … “Golden Shower Girls”??? … Pee Arthur ???

Yeah, but at their age the golden shower is rarely intentional.  Which reminds me, how about “Breaking Bladder?”

Maybe a gay version: “Piddle Douse on the Faerie” … #1 new show on the Nitrogen Network

…and you better hope it doesn’t drop to number two.

Slippery slope … Shit like “21 Dump Street” … “2 Broke Girls, 1 Cup” … “Thunder Scats”

Christian Math: Looking at naked people = recrucifying Jesus

Well any headlines segment that ends with shit jokes is a good headlines segment, as I always say, so we’ll wrap it up there.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

“Pee Wee’s Spray House”?

And when we come back, Jake Farr Wharton will be here to give the show an air of international allure.

“My Snow-Balled Wife” … “Girth: Va-Ginal Conflict”



It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show, this is the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to get you caught up on all the great atheist, secular and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.

We did all the July stuff last week, but there’s a ton going on in August as well.  We’ll start off this week in San Antonio, where the Freethinkers Association of Central Texas is welcoming David Smalley of Dogma Debate Radio for a showing of the film “My Week in Atheism”, complete with a Q&A.  Doors open a bit after noon and the show starts at one.

The Atheist Alliance of America will be holding their annual convention in Seattle this year, that starts on the 7th of August and runs through the 10th.  Sean Faircloth, Dr. Steven Pinker, Dr. Richard Carrier and more.  And from what I hear, these guys put together one of the best conferences in the country, so if you’re anywhere near Seattle, make that happen.

On the same weekend we have the Oklahoma Freethought Convention starting on August 9th.  That’ll be in Tulsa and will welcome the Secular Coalition for America’s Executive Director Edwina Rogers along with Jamila Bey, CJ Werleman, Nathan Phelps and the author of the Skeptics’ Annotated Bible, Steve Wells.  It’s a two day conference in the part of the country that needs it most.

We’ve also got the 3rd annual Colorado Secular Conference coming up on the weekend of August 15th.  Starts Friday, runs through Sunday and welcomes such notable luminaries as Jamila Bey, Mikey Weinstein, Greta Christina, Matt Dillahunty, Seth Andrews, Hemant Mehta and more, including some comedians, some music… great line up and weed is legal there from what I understand so all kinds of reasons to make it out for this one.

At the end of the month the Pennsylvania State Atheist/Humanist Conference is taking place in Pittsburgh.  Really solid line up there including Jerry Coyne, Annie Laurie Gaylor, Jerry DeWitt, Vickie Garrison, friend of the show Dan Fincke, John Loftus and a lot more.

And finally, no matter where in the world you happen to be, you can join Freethought Blogs 3rd annual online conference.  They’ve done some really cool stuff with it before and though the schedule isn’t set for this year yet, I’ll provide links where you can get the most up to date information as it becomes available.

You’ll find those on the shownotes for this episode along with links for all the events we’ve discussed today.  And if you’re involved with a conference that our audience might want to attend, let me know and I’d be happy to throw you a free plug.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.


This Week in Misogyny:

I know that sometimes it can seem hard to pick your way through all of life’s choices, but have no fear ladies; the powers of paternalism are working hard to save us all that trouble.  So first, let’s get rid of that pesky question of what you should major in.

And it turns out the answer to that question is… nothing.  That’s the advice of Rabbi Shalom Cohen, the spiritual leader of the Shas Political party in Israel, who reminds women in college that they’re taking up valuable seat space that could have a scrotum in it.  In a strongly worded letter to the ultra-orthodox community, he warned about the dangers of women seeking higher education.

In the letter, he said (quote) “Our rabbis, the sages of Israel, unconditionally opposed academic study,” adding, (quote) “In addition, the material in the colleges is based on research and scientific methods that contravene the Torah!” (exclamation point, end quote).  So yeah, not only are these evil women learning stuff, but they might be in danger of learning true stuff.

Israel Rabbi – Women shouldn’t go to college

But now that you’re armed with your lack of education, what kind of job should you be looking for?  Well, according to Georgia congressional hopeful Barry “Exploding Tits”… no… I’m sorry, Barry Loudermilk, you might want to consider a career in politics.  Just make sure it’s okay with your husband first.  And once you’re in office, be sure to ask him what you should do.

Loudermilk dropped these pearls of wisdom in the middle of a bigoted tirade about how the first amendment really only applies to Christians.  So yes, the thing about female politicians wasn’t even the dumbest thing he said during that statement.

Georgia Politician says it’s okay for women to hold office if their husbands let them:

Of course, now that employers no longer have to cover “women medicine”, you might be considering celibacy.  But if a career in the Catholic church appeals to you, you’ll still have a stained-glass ceiling to contend with.

In the first interview of his papacy with a female reporter, Pope Francis essentially spent the entire time dodging questions and visibly restraining from telling the reporter to go make him a sandwich.  When asked directly if he thought there was an underlying misogyny in the Catholic Church, the pope said, “The fact is, woman was taken from a rib.”  And then he laughed.  And told her it was a joke.  Twice.  Because apparently the uppity bitch wasn’t laughing.

Pope jokes “Woman are just from ribs”

That’s all I’ve got for you this week, but I’d like to close tonight with a special “go fuck a cheese grater” to John Roberts, Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Anthony Kennedy and the fat Catholic one that thinks the devil is real.


Poem – Ecclesiastes


A Christian kid goes to his church and says, “Hey Holy Father,

I’m trying to read the bible and I hate to be a bother,

But I think someone removed the parts that act as moral guides,

And replaced them with some boring, sexist, racist genocide.


“I’m combing through and seeking all the good stuff you allude to,

But instead I’m stuck with cryptic, Jewish, sacrificial voodoo.

The forgiving, loving, merciful, wise Lord I hoped to find,

Is absent.  In his stead’s there’s one who’s lost his fucking mind.”


And the priest said “Son, within this book’s the wisdom of the ages.

The secrets of the lord’s desires are dripping from it’s pages.

The way the universe was wrought, the point to our existence,

But if you want to read it right, I’ll offer my assistance.


“You see you can’t just read it Genesis through Revelations,

As some eternal laws have reached statutes of limitation.

There’s a certain way of reading through these bronze aged Jewish epics,

That ensures you miss the bad stuff and find the precious bits of ethics.


“In Genesis, the benefits are done by chapter two.

You know the stories after that, so it’s better to thumb through.

With Exodus, the rest of us, have studied that one for you.

The Heston flick is better but even that one’s sure to bore you.


“Leviticus?  A bit of this is pertinent today.

But none of it applies to you, unless, of course you’re gay.

And Numbers?  What a slumber reading that one would induce.

Trust me, half the book is just spent counting all the jews.


“Deuteronomy has gotta be the hardest book to read.

There’s nothing there you need to know, that much I’ll concede.

With Joshua, my gosh, you want to skip past that as well.

And ignore the folks that tell you that one’s violent as hell.


“And Judges?  No one trudges through that long and pointless text.

Samson’s pretty cool but all in all it leaves you vexed.

To tell the truth the book of Ruth is really short and ungermane.

You can read it if you want to, but it’s better to abstain.


“Samuel through Chronicles will leave you catatonic, full

Of history that’s blisteringly dull and histrionical.

Ezra’s just an extra little post-exilic tale,

No need to bore yourself with it’s superfluous detail.

“Nehemiah’s just some guy, ya know, he doesn’t do that much,

And Esther’s just yer average Jewish princess with a grudge.

Your frontal lobe will reel at Job, as the moral’s pretty brutal.

It basically says being good and loving god is futile.


“Stay calm when you see Psalms, cause it’s a million pages deep,

And sure, some of them are decent, but it’ll put your ass to sleep.

And don’t bother with the Proverbs, despite their wise, profound appearance.

If you read the bits on beating kids you’ll be frightened of your parents.


“But when you reach Ecclesiastes, settle in and take your time.

The Old Testament will never get any closer to sublime.

So read each chapter there and savor every fucking word,

Because the eighteen books that follow are increasingly absurd.


“Then just skip ahead to Jesus, the Lord’s sole begotten son.

Read a little bit of Matthew, John Three Sixteen and then you’re done.”

But the kid responded, “Father, there must be some better way.”

So the priest said, “Sure, just skip the book and trust everything I say.”


Bible Story – Noah’s Ark

Gather ‘round boys and girls.  Today we’re gonna open our bibles up to Genesis and learn about the biggest temper tantrum that god ever threw.  And there’s animals so it’s a good story for kids your age, even though almost all of them die.

Now, once upon a time there was a man named Noah who had a wife and three sons.  And there were also rock monsters, wolves with scales and Anthony Hopkins, apparently.

Back in Noah’s time, all the people were evil.  But Noah was less bad than the other people, so God decided to speak to him.  And he told Noah that he was really, really angry because all the people kept being so evil.  So god decided that he should drown every single one of them along with their kids and their babies and their animals and the wild animals and most of the plants.  Because otherwise, people would suffer.

But luckily for Noah and his family, God decided to let them live, along with two of each of the animals.  Because if god didn’t love incest so much, he probably wouldn’t have fucked his own mother.

So Noah built a giant ark just like god asked, even though he was six hundred years old and it was impossible.  And once he was finished, all the animals of the world showed up to file into the boat.  And each of them carried a backpack full of 365 lunches so they wouldn’t get hungry along the way.

And then it started to rain.  And Noah and his family got into the boat, listening mercilessly to the echoing screams of humanity, desperately clinging to driftwood and tree tops as the inevitability of their expiration became clearer.  The few who were lucky enough to survive the first day or two were treated to a horizon full of bloated corpses as the wildlife began to float to the surface.  And as the incessant rains brought them closer and closer to oblivion, they comforted themselves with the fact that their demise would at least bring an end to the horrid stench of death.

But inside the boat, Noah and his family were safe.  So after a whole year spent shoveling shit and eating ever moldier bread on a boat full of urine stained floors and unwashed animals, the waters finally started to go back down.  Noah parked his boat on top of a giant mountain and proceeded to get completely shit faced.  After all, if your dad was stuck in a boat with you for a year, he’d want to get drunk too.

And it must have been a really good binge because he passed out completely naked.  But while he was unconscious in a puddle of dried vomit, his son Ham saw his penis and did a shameful act.  The bible doesn’t tell us what that shameful act was, but after the story, we’ll break out the crayons and you can draw a picture of what you think it was.

Now, because of the thing Ham did, his son was cursed for all eternity.  And even the people who weren’t cursed had to have sex with their own family and stumble over the necrotic carcases of god’s innocent victims for the rest of their lives.

The end.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the show where we piss off the people who wrote in to tell us how pissed off they already were.  But we also answer questions and stuff.

Our first message comes from Atheous who told us on our Patreon page that he likes the longer episodes more than the girthier ones, but wonders if we can rib the episodes for his pleasure.

Not sure where you have those headphones, bro, but if you’ like I can add some rhythmic bass here and there.

Ears, nose, throat … We’ll find the clit eventually.

We also got an email from Mark who asked why we spend so much time covering gay rights issues.  He makes it really clear that he’s not faulting us for it, but wonders why our show and so many of the voices in the atheist community are so outspoken about gay rights.

We’re actually outspoken about human rights … We just have a much more reasonable definition of ‘human’ than churches, or Citizens United.

Yeah, the way I see it, the religious folks are picking on the people that they see as “on the margins of society”.  And not only do we have a moral obligation to help them, but atheists are probably the next minority in line to lose their rights if Christians get their way in this country.  So it’s like a really altruistic self-interest.

John was pretty pissed off about the close of last week’s headlines segment.  Noah made a joke about the barbaric history of British colonialism, I followed it up with a joke about Nazi appeasement (which I’m fully aware was what the US did)  and we finished with a joke about how England would have been useless in World War Two without the aid of their former colonies.  And John took exception, without hearing the tacit satire sound effect that goes along with most of the things I say on the show.  But I think there was also an editing thing with a joke about France.

Yeah, so first of all, apologies to the audience and to Heath.  A little of that got cut in editing so it kind of sounded like Heath said England was occupied by Nazi Germany.  He didn’t.  That was my bad.  As for the bellicose, nationalistic dick-waving that made up the rest of John’s comment, the gist of it was that British people are superheroes and Americans are cowards and he might be right on that, I’m not sure.  I’m willing to admit that America has historically been guilty of failing to rush to war fast enough, but I think it’s obvious that we’re working on that.

Yeah now we’ll war on your face before the condom’s unwrapped.  Don’t worry though, we’ve already got Halliburton ready to clean you up.

Yeah, so for the record, I’m sorry three throw away lines at the end of a bit failed to fully encapsulate the nuances of the most complex global conflict in human history.

Right… we don’t actually think the Brits were really polite to the Nazis and threatened to tell America that they weren’t being nice to the Jews.  And while we’re on the subject, we also don’t really think that the average Nigerian spends their day jogging with herds of gazelles.  It’s all a stupid patriot act.  In all seriousness though, I’m fully aware that American foreign policy over the last century has been largely awful and destructive, whereas the UK has been relatively reasonable over that same time.  And fuck France!  Am I right, or am I right?!?  This guy knows!

But I did want to make one correction John pointed out.  I said during that bit that England “until recently” had Charles Darwin on their money.  I read last year he was getting bumped for Jane Austen, but I didn’t realize that didn’t wasn’t happening until 2017, so my bad on that.

And finally we have an email from Gregg whose job recently landed him in the secular, progressive haven of Tennessee.  He’s new to the bible belt and wrote to us hoping Noah could offer some advice on how to handle the transition.

Yeah, and Gregg mentioned in his email that he’s not looking for confrontation so my first eleven pieces of advice are out the window.

How about “Don’t live in Tennessee.” … or “Learn to be confrontational.” ???

Honestly, that’s part of it.  Because you can avoid it most of the time, sure, but eventually you’ll find yourself in that position, so it’s good to be ready for it.  But I was thinking this would lend itself to a quick top ten list.  So here’s our top ten ways to politely turn down an invitation to church.

  • 10 “Can I bring my lesbian friend?  She could use a good stoning.”
  • 9 “I don’t know, when I go to church my stigmata always flares up.”
  • 8 “I’d love to, but I’m part of a secret society… I don’t think I need to mention the name… and we meet on Sundays”
  • 7 “Something about the music really gets to my tourettes”
  • 6 “He’s lying.  I’m the one- FUCK!!! ASS!!! … I’m the one with Tourette’s.  But Noah, you should go.  You’ll enjoy- CUNT!!! You’ll enjoy it.”
  • 5 “Awesome!  I’ll bring my athame and my goat’s skull.”
  • 4 “So it’s kind of like an open-mic night?”
  • 3 “Is Christianity the one with the Autobots and Decepticons?”
  • 2 “Sorry, I do football on Sunday.  No time for another fantasy league.”
  • 1 “I’d love to, but churches are evil institutions designed to fleece the masses whilst cloaking the unscrupulous acts of those that lead them and I’d probably get pissed off enough to shit on the pulpit.”

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more emails.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.



Before we tuck you in tonight, I want to thank Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast for inviting Heath and me on to help him celebrate his 100th episode.  That episode is available now and you’ll find it linked on the shownotes for the episode.  Star studded cast, a lot of rather brutal humor at Carl’s expense… great time.

Also, a quick request to anybody who’s going to TAM, lot of really big names there and if a couple of our listeners made an effort to talk a few of the speakers into perhaps recording a Farnsworth Quote on their phones, I’d greatly appreciate it.  The first person that snags one from Bill Nye, Dan Dennett or Steven Novella and sends it to me gets a free autographed copy of our book.

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you today, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Of course I can’t cue the music until I’ve thanked Heath for his quintessential Heath-ness.  I need to thank Lucinda for not one but two awesome contributions this week.  Also need to thank Oliver from the brand-spanking new “All Too Common Law” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  His show is just getting started but it strikes me as damn informed.  If you want to check it out, you’ll find a link on the shownotes to this week’s episode.

Of course I need to thank Jake one more time for joining us.  Incredibly nice guy, funny as hell and one of the voices our movement is lucky to have.  His podcast, The Imaginary Friends Show is definitely one of the shows that inspired this one so if you haven’t checked it out yet, you’ll want to make that happen.  You’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most distinguished disbelievers; Danna, Chris, Rondi, Woof, Scott, Shane, Nancy, Jonathan, George, Lee, Jeff, other George, other Chris, other Jonathan, Craig and Michael.  Danna, Chris, Rondi and Woof, who are so clever they put iocane powder in both cups; Scott, Shane, Nancy and Jonathan, who mosquitos know better than to fuck with; George, Lee, Jeff and other George, whose neuronal pathways needed an HOV lane; and other Chris, Other Jonathan, Craig and Michael, who are so sexy they can masturbate to themselves masturbating.

These sixteen candles in the dim stretches of ignorance have helped insure that future generations inherit a world with less religion, less irrationality and more archived dick jokes by giving us money.  Not everyone has the money it takes to give us money, but if you have money that you don’t need for important stuff, you can give it to us.

You can do so by making a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked on our website, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  I’ll compliment your sex organs either way.

And if you want to help but giving money to atheists is against your religion, you can also help us out a ton by leaving a review on iTunes, Stitcher or wherever.  Especially if the review is good.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 71 – Partial Transcript

June 26, 2014 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the episode due to time constraints.

LINK TO ELENA’S FUNDRAISER discussed during the Feedback segment (for more info on the accident, click here)


LINK TO THE RELIGION RECOVERY CHARITY David discussed during the interview.



BUY THE BOOK (Paperback) (EBook)



Warning: This podcast contains things that you just can’t unhear.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Pastor Oil: The New Christian Emetic Laxative

Did a spiteful atheist waiter trick you into eating something that’s banned in the Bible?  Can’t decide between emergency diarrhea and emergency vomit?  We’ll give you both … Right away … Violently!!!  We’re the ‘Plan B’ of religious culinary law.

Pastor Oil: “For the last time, it’s not a lube.”

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s June 26th,

And if the USA and Germany tie … they both win … Interesting …

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Spacious Waterfront Studio” New York, New York,

And “Van Down by the River” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll ask: “What the fuck is Baha’i?”,
  • We’ll learn yet another reason to never visit Kenya,
  • And David from My Book of Mormon joins us to assure you that the 2nd M isn’t a typo.

But first, the diatribe…



Dan Fincke came on last week and reminded me not to call religious people stupid.  And I needed to be reminded of that.  Now, on a side note, there’s a ton of shit Dan had to say that some of our listeners took objection to and hopefully we can get him back on sometime to air a few of those grievances, but that’s too big a subject for a diatribe, so I’m just gonna stick with the stupid thing for now.

Because Dan’s right; we shouldn’t call religious people stupid.  Now let me defend that.  Ultimately, I’m not convinced by the assertion that “stupid” is a bully word because I don’t give a shit.  If something’s stupid, I’m gonna call it stupid.  I was bullied out of the Santa Claus myth the same way and so far, it stuck.  I’m also not convinced by the assertion that it makes communication less effective.  Pissing people off sometimes makes your message stick a little deeper and even an effort to prove you wrong is a win in this fight.  Plus, if I was obsessed with effective means of communications, I probably wouldn’t make jokes about eating aborted fetuses.

The point he made that convinced me is the fact that it’s simply false.  Religious people aren’t stupid.  Religion is stupid.  All the little fables in the bible are stupid.  The claim that Jesus cleared you a parking space is stupid.  The claim that the earth is six thousand years old is stupid.  And I’ll call them stupid.  But the people who hold many of these beliefs don’t have to be stupid to do so.  Like Dan said, trusting your parents and the community around you is more often going to lead you to wisdom than stupidity.  You can’t blame an indoctrinated person for their indoctrination anymore than you can blame a rape victim for their rape.

So perhaps we shouldn’t call the religious people stupid.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna need to be reminded a time or two before I break the habit and start showing those stupid motherfuckers the respect they deserve, but it’s something I should probably work on.

And if anybody out there is saying, “Don’t do it Noah!  Don’t turn the Scathing Atheist into some politically correct, can’t we all just get along, Kumbaya and puppy dog tails accomodationist bullshit”, don’t worry… I’m not motivated by being nice.  And I’m not even necessarily motivated by being accurate.  My motivation here is tactical.  When we call our opponents stupid, we run the risk of believing that they’re stupid.  And if we do that, we run the risk of underestimating them.

If we label them stupid, we’re playing right into their hands.  Clearly, they seem to want us to think they’re stupid.  Pretending to be stupid might be the most common debate tactic they employ.  Think about it.  Have you ever been arguing with a Christian and the reliability of “faith” comes up?  And they’ll almost always counter with something like, “Well, you have ‘faith’ in your wife, don’t you?”

Now, you’d have to be a Boo Radley level idiot not to see the difference between those two things.  My wife is a tangible, measurable phenomena whose existence I can prove to any reasonable standard.  What’s more, I don’t have ‘faith’ in my wife, I have ‘trust’ in my wife based on observable behavior.  But if she started working a lot of late shifts that required her to bring a riding crop and a ball gag, I’d start to lose my ‘faith’ damn quick.  Clearly we’re talking about different meanings of the word ‘faith’.  And obviously they know that.

If you want to see a master at the “pretending to be stupid” strategy, you need look no further than Ray Comfort.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he’s not stupid.  He very well may be, but he’s not as stupid as he pretends to be.  Watch any debate he’s ever done.  His whole schtick is pretending to not understand things no matter how simply they’re explained.  You can watch his opponent break down speciation to a level a brain damaged parakeet would comprehend and he’ll just say “pudding is my favoritest!”

And even when he’s cornered into admitting that yes, he understands why evolution doesn’t lead to croco-ducks, it doesn’t stop him from using the same stupid argument in his next debate.  If he was as stupid as he lets on he would have wiping instructions tattooed backwards across his forehead.  But it’s a damn good debate strategy; refusing to understand what your opponent is saying allows you to also refuse to understand when you’ve lost.

Hell, it’s even their legal defense.  Sometimes they’re just too stupid to know that raping kids is against the law.  We can’t afford to grant them that concession.

We’re never gonna win this fight if we don’t admit what we’re up against.  And if it was the army of drooling fuck-wits we often portray them to be, we’d already have won.  If we want to truly sway this world away from religion, we need to fully understand how smart people fall victim to their cognitive biases.  We need to explore the true root of the stupid beliefs buried in these intelligent people.  And we need to admit to the true power and nature of motivated stupidity.



Joining me for headlines tonight is a man only three miracles from sainthood, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to cure the blind?

How about the dumb?

It’s a start.

In our lead story tonight, in “Turning the other cheek toward a rapist” news – aka “mouth to ass” news … A recent investigation spoke to several former Bob Jones University students, and revealed that the school policy on counseling sexual assault victims goes something like this: “God sent you a rapist for a reason.  So you’re not getting into heaven unless you call the guy, and apologize for your role in this mess, and whatever you did wrong.  You must have done something.  Check Leviticus.  It’s almost always Leviticus.”

“…I’m also required to inform you that there’s a few shekels in it for you if you marry him.  So it’s not too late to salvage this thing.”

The abuse counseling procedures at BJU have been called into question by – among others – Katie Landry, who described reporting a rape to the dean of students, at which point he responded, (quote) “Well, there’s always a sin under other sin. There’s a root sin […] We have to find the sin in your life that caused your rape.” (end quote) … At that point, Landry realized she was alone in an office with a man that just took the rapist’s side, so she correctly ran away in terror.

“Tell me all about it… in detail… and I’ll just have my hands under the desk here in case I have to send a text or something…”

Very understandably, after being asked “Did you consider just consenting?”, and then being told to repent for being an enabler, Landry appears to have abandoned the clearly-broken Christianity platform.  She now lives in New Orleans, where she started a business that provides tours of historic madams and brothels … where you pay for sex as part of a mutually-beneficial transaction, like civilized people.

“Bob Jones University: Making prostitution look good by comparison since 1927”

Whorehouse 1, Bible 0 … But who’s keeping score?!?

Bob Jones University to Rape Victims: Repent!

Speaking of which, from the “Biblical Penetration” file, it turns out that Rickey Wagoner is such a pathetic bastard that he even gets his ass kicked in his delusions of grandeur.  You might recall a brief flurry of feel good news back in February about a Dayton, Ohio bus driver who was allegedly attacked by three scary black men whose attempts to shoot him dead were thwarted by the bible he had in his chest pocket.  And it turns out that much like the book that supposedly saved him, the event was a bunch of poorly fabricated bullshit that doesn’t stand up to even a cursory investigation.

So what actually happened? … The Bible and the gun were in his sweatpants, and he shot himself like Plaxico???

Way worse if you can believe that.  So let’s examine the holes in Wagoner’s story before we examine the holes in his body.  First of all, bible or no, there’s no way this guys moobs are penetrable to a .22 caliber bullet.  In addition, the 320 pound man wasn’t at all winded in the 911 call he made immediately after the alleged attack.  In addition, the stab wounds on his arms and legs suggested to experts that they were self-inflicted, as did the one bullet that got passed his bible.

So he’s a cutter … and a shooter?!?  Will someone please pay attention to Rickey Wagoner already!!!  This guy literally brought a gun to a knife fight, and lost … to himself … because he also brought a knife to a gun fight.  Somebody just say hi, or ask him a question about large vehicles, or obesity … anything.

But the silver lining of this story is that it provides possibly my all time favorite mental image.  After stabbing and shooting himself, this lumbering land-walrus set his bible on the street, shot it twice, bent over to pick it up, put it back in his pocket and called the cops.  Which, to his credit, is exactly what I wanted to do during Proverbs.

Ohio bus driver lies about bible stopping bullet:

And in a follow up to a story from last year … from the “Swine and Cheese” file … You may remember when we reported on an Edinburgh mosque that had to call in the HazMat Team after Scottish racist assholes Chelsea Lambie and Douglas Cruickshank – who I’ve been assured are definitely not funny – attacked the house of worship with salted pig strips.  Well their sentences were justed handed down … Lambie will go to prison for a year, and Cruickshank – who didn’t laugh at the hearing when the judge said “breakfast meat” – will only get nine months.  

I’m so torn on this one.  Because on the one hand it’s undeniably motivated by racism, but on the other hand, people were just put in jail for malicious use of bacon.  It just kind of seems like getting in trouble for groping somebody’s aura.

So they should definitely be punished, especially since it- Are we sure on that? … Kind of, yeah …  Okay, it wasn’t quite funny enough… But I’m wondering how the law will work in the future with this … If it was turkey bacon, would they have just gotten a vandalism ticket???  Can you get in trouble for brandishing a side order??? … What about bluffing?!? … “Stand back unless you want to find out what kind of fried rice this is!!!  Do I look like a shrimp guy?!?  Do you feel lucky?!?  Well, do ya, punk?!?”

Muslims just need to pick a less ubiquitous kryptonite.

Couple jailed for mosque baconing:

And in “Okay, but You Guys are still stuck with Pope Innocent the Fourth” news, Christian musician and ineffective wife killer Tim Lambesis recently admitted that he was secretly an atheist the whole time.  Having apparently recognized the inadequacies of both his faith and his musical talent simultaneously, he simply continued to head the Christian band “As I Lay Dying” whose most widely heard recording was the one where he asked an undercover FBI agent to murder his wife during a sting operation in April of last year.

Here’s the part that confuses me … How does that sting operation work? … Did they get a tip there was a lot of apostate bandleaders hiring assassins at a particular bar??? … “Psst … Buddy … Killyourwife? … Killyourwife? … No?  You?  No- I though you started to lean in- …”

Now, far be it from me not to take a convicted felon who apparently dedicated his life to deceiving people for financial gain at his word, but after admitting to a career in telling Christians whatever they want to hear, I think he went on to tell Christians whatever they want to hear.  They couldn’t get behind a story of a prominent Christian trying to hire an assassin to kill his wife, but they can gobble up the story of a Christian turning to the dark side and immediately setting about exacting murderous vengeance.  The rededication of his life to Jesus and the subsequent book deal are scheduled for release by Christmas of 2015.

Ineffective wife assassinating Christian musician admits he was “secretly an atheist”

And in “Ebonic Plague” news: Bitches be trippin’ if day fin ta brinday nassy smawl pox keeds inta skoo … (clear throat) … New York City public schools recently faced a legal challenge to their very logical public health policy that says something along the lines of: “During a disease outbreak, unvaccinated children – and rhesus monkeys with ebola – are not allowed to come in and help spread mass sickness on those days … They can however, come in the next day, if they take their autism shot.”

This is such insane horseshit.  So the parents are refusing inexpensive and potentially life-saving medicine on behalf of their children and not only does the state allow it, but they even have the foresight to protect these kids from their parents stupidity by keeping them home when people have the diseases that they’re not vaccinated against.  And the parents are suing the state!?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Shouldn’t they at least have to burn themselves with some McDonald’s coffee first?

So yeah, three anti-vax families – without the requisite crotch burns – decided to contest this policy, for violating their religious right to freely exercise socially destructive stupidity.  The case was decided last week at the Federal District Court in Brooklyn, where Judge William F. Kuntz II (the second) – despite being a douche for the Roman numerals – ruled in favor of “LESS kids with diseases”, upholding the right of schools to act rationally.  

Not only that, but he cited a 109 year old Supreme Court precedent.  So not only did he tell them no, but he also pointed out that we settled this shit in 1905.

Right – when we decided you’re not allowed to spread smallpox!!! … So the free exercise violation claim is clearly nonsense.  New York City public school attendance certainly isn’t required by any holy books.  But more practically: Don’t these kids have rickets and shit, anyway?  Are they gonna be able to get to school, even if we let them?!?  Nobody wants the rickets kid in class.  Awkward for everyone.

NYC Quran-Teenage Wasteland:

And in “Kenya believe it?” news tonight, a group of Islamic militants in Kenya gave new meaning to the term ‘Final Exam’ last week when 27 people were murdered for failing a door to door pop quiz about Islam.  Apparently several of them missed the very first question, which was ‘Are you a Muslim?’  Others were killed for lacking detailed knowledge of the Quran, and still others simply didn’t have the number two pencil.

“Excuse me, sir?  Sir?  Yes you, the only person for miles.  I see that you’re clearly busy jogging with this herd of nomadic gazelles, but if I could just have a moment of your time.  Me and these guys with AK-47s are big fans of Allah.  What about you?” … And 27 morons said they prefer Gozer the Gozerian?!?  When terrorists ask you if you like the one true god, you say yes!!!

Now, I know this kind of emphasis on book learnin’ might seem disingenuous coming from a group of people who haven’t passed a test since their moms pissed on that little stick, but one can’t help but applaud the renewed emphasis on education.  A loaded rifle in your face kicks the shit out of a gold star any day.

So the Tea Party and the homicidal militant Kenyan Muslims are on the same page: Teachers need way more guns.  

And on the other side of the aisle, liberal apologists are already hard at work explaining how Western imperialism is the true culprit here, for which the international cabal of militant muslim theocrats are genuinely appreciative.

Muslims kill dozens of Kenyans for failing a pop quiz on Islam.

And in “Makin’ it Rain Sulfur” news, the nuns of St. Charles Borromeo (in Stone Park, Illinois) have filed suit against Club Allure – a strip club that operates next door to their convent.  They argue the club ruins their ability to collect dollars, will likely incur God’s wrath, and also violates a state law against adult entertainment within 1000 feet of a church or school.

It’s like these nuns heard we needed a 30 seconds on the clock segment.  But seriously, how about “one who has an issue with the other’s existence has to move” rules?  Isn’t that fair?  It’s the difference between burning a cross and just moving closer to the golf course.

In response to the allegations, a spokesman for the club may have said (quote) “But we pay taxes … And aren’t you considered a lesbian brothel by state law? … Well regardless, you ladies are more than welcome to take a song on stage with the collection plate.” (end quote)

Whole new meaning to “selling indulgences” there… and less immoral than the old one, too.

So the sisters listed a handful of problems with Club Allure, but here’s the best one … They want the place shut down because it leads to women walking around (quote) “alone or in groups, with or without accompanying males.” (end quote) … So they’re complaining about women being in public, but only if they’re in groups of one, or many … And only if they have or don’t have male chaperones.

They also took issue with them getting beer deliveries in heavy trucks.  But it was worth reading the entire complaint just for the visual image of one of the nuns having to go out each morning to clean the used condoms off the sidewalk.

It must have been a fun scene when the nuns walked over to the strip club to lodge their complaints.  Everyone so sure they were about to get on stage.  Enormous tease!!!  But a great business idea.  So we’re suggesting the two parties bury the hatchet wound, and get together on a combo enterprise … And to help them out, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock …  “Ideas for the Strip Club Convent” … GO!!!

St. Doll’s Cunt-thedral, home of the Padre’s Cadre

“77 Nun-set Strip”

Obviously we need a ruler-based S&M club… um… “The Schoolmarm harm farm.”

“Jack-offs of All Trades, Masturbaters of Nun: Support the Habit”

…or “Kick the Habit”

Much better!!!  What about: “Hooters, Pooters, and Sunday School Tutors” ???

“Our Lady of the Hosiery?”… or if it’s a low budget place, it could be “The Yeast of Our Lady of the Hosiery.”  And that’s appropriate too, because if you think about it, a yeast infection is pretty much reverse transubstantiation.

“The Booby Trap at Single Mother Superior’s”

“Episco-pole Dancing”, where the Holy See goes to See the Holy.

“Sisterhood of the Traveling Implants”

Basilicone Implants, to be exact.

“A Sleazy Ass Tease” … Who wouldn’t wanna see a donkey (slash) nun show?!?

“The Titty Twister Sister Fister.”

“The Tits n Asherah Pole”

Nuns suing strip club:

And we’ll end on some good news for a change tonight, from the “One Dar, Two Wins” file, the UK has officially banned the teaching of creationism as science in any school that receives public funds.  Of course, for a country that until recently had Chuck D on their money, this might seem a little late in coming, but “better late than never”, as the British national motto clearly states.

They eventually disliked the Nazis.  But for the first few weeks, they were just polite hosts.  Finally, something had to be said …

The change comes as part of a newly reworded funding agreement between the British Government and schools receiving tax revenue.  And the sections about creationism are so good I wished I’d written them for a diatribe.  In a few paragraphs they completely dismantle all the major claims of creationism, label it pseudoscience and point out that even most religious people agree that it’s bullshit.

British churches should be happy.  This clear defeat is actually an honor.  Think of all the absurd accommodations they must get for this to be necessary.  We shouldn’t need a rule, that says: “Don’t blow tobacco smoke up a drowning victim’s ass with an enormous anal bellows.  Instead go straight to rescue resuscitation.”

UK bans the teaching of creationism in schools. Ken Ham loses his shit:

Well, if I could have ended the headlines on the image of a giant anal bellows and didn’t, I’d never forgive myself, so Heath, thanks as always.

Fire up the Bung Bong!!!

David from the My Book of Mormon podcast will be here in a bit to compare shitty holy books, but before we get to that, I want to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda Lugeons, for a new segment that the headlines have been begging us to add for quite a while…


This Week in Misogyny:

Bad news, ladies.  It turns out that our secret is out.  The guys are now well aware how much we love getting raped.

Now, clearly we should have seen this rape-whistle blower coming, because who knows more about the desires of college aged women than a geriatric conservative who’s been impotent since the Nagano Olympics?  That’s right, conservative columnist George Will spilled the beans on our beans in a column that claimed that being a sexual assault victim was (quote) “a coveted status on today’s college campuses”.

So if you are a victim of sexual assault, be sure to email George about where to collect your consolation prizes and your fifty shekels.  I think it’s also safe to say that George is coveting rape victimhood… and I only mention it in case the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is listening.

But one way or the other, the pussy’s out of the bag now.  Our secret love of sexual victimhood is a matter of public record.  And you can read all about it in George Will’s column… if you can find one of the few papers that didn’t stop running his columns after this outrageous shit.

George Will: Rape is coveted status

Now, I’m sure there are some women out there that will say, “No, George, we don’t covet sexual assault,” but I think we all know what women really mean when they say “no.”

But if you’re one of those women, I ask you, if you didn’t like being sexually assaulted so much, why don’t you show a little modesty and dress like an Antarctic beekeeper?  That’s the advice of Indian Minister Babubal Gaur, who explained that rape is “sometimes right and sometimes wrong.”

This came shortly after two girls, age 12 and 14 were raped and hanged in his district, but in his defense, I’m sure that those were “wrong” rapes.  Clearly, officials throughout the nation are working hard to keep India the brutal rape capital of the world

Indian Minister “Rape is sometimes acceptable”:

But if you still insist that you’re not a fan of being raped, at least we know who to blame for it now.  And it turns out, it’s not the rapist, it’s Charles Darwin.

That’s right, as Creationist douchebag Darek Isaacs explained on “Creation Today” last week if evolution is true, it’s all just about men propagating their genes.  He ends with what he thinks is a rhetorical question.  (quote) “If evolution is true… is rape wrong?”

And the rhetorical answer is “yes, you misogynistic fuck wart.”

Creationist: If evolution is true, is rape wrong?

And finally, proving that you don’t need a penis to be a sexist, we bring you the story of mommy blogger Laura something-or-another at the “Apples and Band-Aids blog”.  She reminds all of us ladies to be ashamed of our bodies this beach season in a post called, “My Husband Doesn’t Need to See Your Boobs.”

In the article, she explains that apparently her husband is some kind of undomesticated raging pervert that dives erection first into anything with visible cleavage.

So I’d like to close by pointing out to Laura that I don’t need to see your husband’s asshole, either, so please take your picture off of your blog.

Mommy blogger is a prudish bitch:

That’s all the misogyny I have for you this week, but I’m sure there’s more to come.  And remember guys, we outnumber you.



“Diatribes Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope” is already being called the greatest work of nonfiction in the modern age.  And now I’m calling it an earth shattering literary achievement.

But nevermind what I have to say, let’s hear what the Amazon reviewers are saying:

  • “Only had this about 6 months and the roller brush seized up which caused the belt to continue spinning and almost caught the vacuum cleaner on fire……Really bad design on the roller brush.”
  • “After putting batteries in the device, it did not vibrate.  What a waste of money.  If it were thicker, maybe I could use it as a dildo.”
  • “The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer changed my sex life”

And now, let’s hear what they have to say about “Diatribes Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope:

  • “A sharply written and well-reasoned book.  It acts both as a great companion to the podcast and as a stand-alone commentary on the state of the art stupidity we’re exposed to every day.”
  • “The authors present familiar arguments in a new and irreverent way that [is] refreshing after all of the books, blogs and podcasts that try to walk the line between arguing and offending.”
  • “…this book skewers the pretensions of the pious in a way that is viscerally satisfying, laugh out loud funny, and profoundly truthful.”
  • “Highly recommended for anyone that has a brain or is considering getting one.”

So pick up your paperback or digital copy today by following the links at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  “Diatribes Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”: because I’ve only said the name of the book twice and the marketing guys say you should say it at least three times.
Song: Numbers


1 is the number of gods and he gives

2 shits about who gets killed and who lives.

3 times Balaam and his donkey have spats

be-4 god starts talking out of that Midianite’s ass.


5 chapter in things get scary for chicks,

6-tuff’s prescribed if they’re getting side-dick.

And 7’s for resting unless you need stones,

To break some stick gathering heathen’s skull and his bones.


8 too much Manna? Should you voice your critiques?

God will plague you and kill you, but he’ll send quail for weeks.

And that asi-9 bastard may invoke some damned clause,

To show you what a 10-uous promise that promised land was.


11 Tribes conscribe all their fighting age men,

but the 12th tribe (the Levites) just carry the tent.

20 is war-age, but like most things, you’ll notice,

The tribe that’s exempt is the one that has Moses.


30 Days mourning when god kills Aaron on high,

Then 40 years waiting for all the bad jews to die.

50 percent of this book we spend bored

Counting jews and the booty they offer the lord.


We get a couple of censuses from all of the tribes,

Enumerated offerings are in detail described,

As the name would suggest, the book’s obsessed with amounts,

But no number gets higher than god’s body count:


WTFI – Baha’i

The cold-sore to Islam’s genital herpes, Baha’i is a diacritically perplexing faith that began in the mid nineteenth century when Iranian slacker Siyyid Ali-Muhammad realized that claiming to speak for god was a pretty good racket.  He took the name “The Bab”, which means “The Gate” and declared himself the 12th Imam of Shi’a Islam in 1844.  That worked out well for him until his public execution in 1850.

Before his death, the Bab had amassed thousands of followers, who have the impossible to take seriously monicker of “Babis”.  A brief schism between the remaining adherents ended with one Mirza Husayn-Ali Nuri in charge, who thus chose the humble title of “Glory of God”, or “Baha’u’llah”.

Since then, by most measures, Baha’i has been the fastest growing religion in the world, quickly spreading to over 200 nations (take that, Mormons).  Baha’i was considered a very progressive faith for the mid nineteenth century and even now, it is a very progressive faith for the mid nineteenth century.

The belief is founded on three main principles, all of which are unwavering, eternal, and cast aside in a heartbeat if it conveniences the propagation of the faith.

The first is the unity of god; Baha’i is a monotheistic religion that employs the familiar cop-out that all religions are worshipping the same god in different and often directly contradictory ways.  This leads to the second founding principle, the unity of religion, which is essentially the same thing, but you can’t just have two founding principles or you’ll look like an asshole.

Like the Muslims and the Christians before them, they accept the divine status of the other Abrahamic prophets and, again like the Muslims and Christians, they believe their prophet was both the best and the last.  The gist of the teaching is that all religions are true, but Baha’i is the most true.

The final principle is the unity of humanity; a firm and founding belief that all humans are created equal, regardless of faith, race and culture.  Unless they’re gay.

The history of Baha’i is one of persecution and persistence.  Despite the execution of their first prophet and the exile of his successor, the religion has grown steadily.  The first several successors were appointed by god through his holy representative and by an amazing cosmic coincidence, god chose the children of those holy representatives for three generations.  After that, god could no longer be bothered to appoint leaders and they turned to democracy.

There is a strong focus in Baha’i on gender equality, which is shown clearly by how many of their holy buildings look like nipples or vaginas.  They focus a large amount of their charitable work toward the empowerment of women through early education.  This mission is no doubt paramount to the council of nine that runs the religion.  In fact, they’re so dedicated to gender equality that they might eventually consider allowing women to serve on that council, but for now a scrotum remains a prerequisite.

Baha’i also pays lip service to the compatibility between faith and science, though their failure to voluntarily disband and stop praying shows this to be as hollow as the gender equality thing.

Baha’i is usually represented by a nine pointed star, as all the good numbers of points on a star had been taken by 1844.  It’s the thirteenth largest religion in the world, resting between Judaism and Jainism, but if it continues to grow at the pace it’s been growing over the last century, it could supplant Korean Dictator worship as the 10th largest religion as early as the year 2268.

Because of it’s focus on equality and relatively progressive stance on gender roles, the faith’s adherents like to present themselves as the “atheist-friendly” alternative to other world religions.  And hopefully, armed with the knowledge that their all-male “Universal House of Justice” still condemns both premarital sex and homosexuality, you have all the facts necessary to call them on their bullshit.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the few minutes we set aside with increasing frequency now that the show is an hour long to answer some of the emails and tweets we get each week.  We’ll start with a little international flair this week, as our first email comes from Espana.

Miguel the angry Spaniard writes to say, “In episode 70 of your podcast, you made fun of the ancient Spanish custom of trampling infants.  Is that the best you can come up with?  Really?”  He then goes on to list a series of far more bizarre Spanish Easter traditions including,

  • The Spanish festival of KKK members in backless robes doing street BDSM,
  • The Spanish festival of shaking the fuck out of a poorly ballasted shrine en masse,
  • And the Spanish festival of forcing terrified children to climb human pyramids on top of mountains.

So yeah, Miguel, sorry we so grossly underestimated the bat-shit insanity of the Spanish national character.

I have to admit, I never expected an inquisition from there…

Our next email comes from Elena and it’s a bit more on the serious side.  She wrote to tell us about a tragic accident that took the lives of two of her atheist friends and nearly took the lives of their two daughters.  Next comes the chorus of “god’s plan” and “I’ll pray for you” half-measures, but of course, when the financial reality for these two girls sets in, the people who are so ready to pray for them are saying, “shame they didn’t belong to a church that could help them out.”

Anyway, Elena has set up a fundraiser on “Go Fund Me” and has reached out to the secular community for help.  And I happen to know we have a damn generous audience that’s way better than a church in times like this, so I thought I’d share the link to the fundraiser and some more information on the website and the show notes for this episode.

As usual, I’m not allowed to add commentary to segments like this, so just go ahead and cut me off-…

And if you listen to our friends over at Cognitive Dissonance, you might notice that they, too, have a listener named Elena that recently lost two friends in a similar accident and started a similar go-fund-me campaign for similar reasons.  I strongly urge you to give to our Elena, not there’s.

And finally, we have an email from Hannah who is a big fan of the show that wonders if we’ve ever noticed that in 70 episodes, we’ve never interviewed a female guest.  She closes the email by urging us to (quote) “get on that shit” (end quote).

Okay, so first of all, yes, we’ve noticed.  And yes, that’s really bad.  And yes, we should get on that shit.  All that being said, there’s two mitigating factors that I want to point out that slightly soften that apparent sexism.  The first is that it’s not like we’ve interviewed 70 people or anything.  We’ve only had guests on a little over a quarter of our episodes, so it’s only out of 18 interviews… which is bad, but not as bad.

I interviewed a girl last summer at camp, but she lives a few towns over.  Don’t bother checking.

Also, and this is the story of my life, I’ve been turned down by a lot of women.  I’m not gonna name any names because that just wouldn’t be classy, but we’ve been turned down by more than a few prominent female atheists.  If every potential guest I’ve ever contacted came on the show, we’d have interviewed way more than zero women.

Why don’t women like rape jokes?

Well that joke should help our cause, thanks, Heath…

And that does it for feedback.  If you you want more, send us more emails, Tweets, Facebook messages and for fuck’s sake, somebody issue a fatwa against us already.



Before we rinse and spit tonight, I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to give us some feedback on the new format.  So far it’s been all positive, but by all means, keep the comments coming.  Obviously we tried out some new stuff this week, so let us know what you think and help us make the most out of the hour of your life you’re giving us.  And I should mention that we read every email that comes in, though we don’t have time to respond to all of them.  Just know that when you don’t get a reply, it’s not like prayer… somebody is listening.

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Between now and then, you can get your fix of Scatheism on our Facebook Page, our blog or you can follow us on Twitter, that’s at Noah (underscore) Lugeons (L-U-G-E-O-N-S) and if you follow at Heath Enwright, (E-N-W-R-I-G-H-T) you get to see a picture of Heath’s gaping starfish.

Also, we’ll be posting some guest blogs at Scathing Atheist (dot) com starting this week, so be sure to check for that and if you’d like to submit an article for consideration, by all means, do that.  And if you know an atheist blogger that could use a little more publicity, let us know or let them know and we’ll see if we can’t work something out.

Of course, I need to thank Heath for kicking double the ass again tonight.  I need to thank the lovely Lucinda for going above and beyond the call of duty.  Obviously I need to thank David from My Book of Mormon for giving us some of his time this week.  Again, he’s got a really well done podcast which you can check out by heading over to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and clicking on the link you’ll find there.

I also need to thank Bobby and Ashley from the “No Religion Required” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, and while we’re on the subject, I want to thank Ashley for lending her voice to the atheist movement by joining Bobby as his co-host.  Glad to have you in the atheist podcasting club.  Of course, you’ll find their show linked on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most seductive simians; Andrew, Stephen, Brian, Amanda, Dan, Michael, Jeff, Ginny, Robert, Duff, James, Alexey, Elvin and Rob.  Andrew, Stephen and Brian, whose erections could be used to resupply the ISS; Amanda, Dan, Michael and Jeff, whose combination of speed and swordsmanship would fuck the Transformers up even worse that Michael Bay; Ginny, Robert, and Duff, who are so sexy I could masturbate to their footprints and James, Alexey, Elvin and Rob, who are so rational their farts come with citations and complete bibliographical reference.

These fourteen formidably forthright fornicators have fortified our fortunes this fortnight by forking over some money.  Not everyone has the courage, pride and superior sexual organs it takes to give us money, but if you want to test your mettle, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.


Episode 70 – Partial Transcript

June 19, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons







Note: Transcript contains some elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints.



This show will now contain twice as many fucks, on average.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Meta-Vax: The Vaccinations Against Vaccinations

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Meta-Vax: Because shape-shifting lizards from Mercury are giving us autism.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s June 19th,

And it turns out that playing a real sport – but only with your feet – is actually still pretty exciting.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Empire City” New York, New York,

And “Rebel Outpost” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Spain celebrates it’s annual SIDS festival,
  • The Supreme Court will actually get one right,
  • And yes, they have a Sudden Infant Death Syndrome festival. Also, Dan Fincke will help us be atheist better.

But first, the diatribe…



As I’m walking into the gas station the other day, a couple little flyers taped to the window caught my eye.  On the top of both they read, “It’s time for VBS”.  I took a closer look, because I figured this meant I should swing by the clinic, but upon inspection, the “Where” at the bottom of each was a church… which seems like an odd place to pre-treat venereal infections, so I was sure my first instinct was wrong.  But neither of the flyers offered much of a clue what “VBS” meant.

Of course, if you’re from the Bible Belt or a former Baptist, you already know, but I’m neither so I had to ask.  I got to the cashier and I nodded over to the two little ads and I said, “What’s ‘VBS?’”  And I could tell immediately that I’d revealed myself to be a soulless, hellbound, Jesus-hating devil wur’shipper.  Because apparently VBS stands for “Vacation Bible School”, except without any els in it, because she said, “It means Vacation Bibuh Schoow.”

So I stood there for a second reflecting on that phrase because it’s not often you encounter a triple-oxymoron, so she adds an incredulous follow up, she goes; “You ain’t never heard of Vacation Bibuh Schoow?”

And I’m still standing there thinking “Vacation/School, Bible/Vacation, School/Bible”… there is no non-contradictory permutation of those words.  And it sounds so horrible.  It immediately conjured an image of a bunch of sweaty eight year olds sitting on pre-war folding chairs in an insufficiently air-conditioned church basement somewhere, carefully filling in the oval that corresponds to Jesus with a number two pencil.

But then another thought occurred to me.  So I asked her, “Why don’t they have crosses or anything on them?”

She looked puzzled by the question, but in her defense I think ‘puzzled’ is her face’s default setting.  So she gave me half of the word, “What?”, and I elaborated.

“Well, it just seems like if it’s a religious thing, you’d have a picture of Jesus on it… or a bible or a cross or something.  But there’s nothing on the little flyers that say, you know, ‘religion.’”

She protested at first, insisting that they did actually have crosses on them, but I pointed out that no, one had a picture of two apatosauruses on a beach towel and the other had an alligator dressed as an astronaut.  Neither of which, to my knowledge, belong to the traditional canon of Christian symbology.

And she agreed, but she still didn’t seem to get my point.

So I carried on, I told her it just seemed like false advertising.  You know, I’m a seven year old and I walk by these flyers and I think “sunbathing dinosaurs?  Count me in,” so all of a sudden I’m telling my mom I want to go to VBS.  But when I get there, there’s no sunbathing dinosaurs, no space-gators… it’s just, you know, it’s just Jesus stuff you get on Sunday morning and Wednesday evening.

But, of course, I was talking to a VBS graduate so she didn’t see why that was a problem.  I’m sure she knows the same as I do that a six year old doesn’t recognize the difference between her teacher telling the class about science, and some Christian wackaloon telling them that the fairy tales with Jewish origins are true.  A kid that age just knows an adult is telling them something so it’s right.  And make no mistake, they’re specifically targeting the kids too young to know the difference.  That fucking alligator was on a spaceship, not a skateboard.

Of course, this doesn’t seem insidious at all if you think the Jewish fairy tales are true, but it should.  Regardless of your belief, simply recognizing that other people have different beliefs should make this strike you as horribly dishonest.

And that sickening bullshit would be completely unacceptable in any condition but religion.  Can you even imagine a political ideology deciding to use that strategy?  “What we’ll do is we’ll invite a bunch of eight year olds to a pizza party, and once they’re in our clutches, we’ll take a few minutes to explain just how right Ayn Rand had it.  Oh, and we should also tell them that the monsters under their bed will rip their skin off if their parents get food stamps.”

If these people really thought their ideas had merit, they’d be focusing their efforts on college kids or at least high-schoolers; you know, people who would have some way of understanding the worldview they’re presenting.  But they’re not interested in convincing, they’re interested in programming.  And if they have to lure kids in with pizza or video games or crocodilian cosmonauts that’s exactly what they’re going to do.

This is not an unconscious thing.  They talk about it freely in their evangelical literature.  They know good and damn well that the religious shit doesn’t stick if the kids are old enough to critically examine their claims, so they target the young and the younger the better.  Their only real hope for success is to internalize the hell myth before they reach the age of reason.

I personally can’t fathom a greater admission of guilt; a more blatant declaration that your ideas are devoid of merit.  If the only way to propagate your worldview is to psychologically abuse children, it’s a despicable worldview.  And if you’re willing to propagate it anyway, you’ve allowed that worldview to make you despicable.



Joining me for headlines tonight is unburdened white man, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to explain democracy?

When say … 99% of people want something … in a democracy, they’re supposed to get it.  So rich people complaining about their increasingly destructive, enormous slice of pie … can go ahead and blow me like a Nintendo cartridge.

Willing to bet they won’t.  In our lead story tonight, in a rare case of being un-wrong, the US Supreme Court has declined to hear the case of Elmbrook School District v. the notoriously litigious “Doe” family.  The 7th Circuit Court of Appeals already heard this one and got it right; ruling that the Elmbrook School District couldn’t hold high school graduations in a megachurch littered with religious pamphlets and symbolism.  The court dubbed the practice (quote) “offensive [and] coercive”.

I’d like to think this makes the message pretty clear.  “We’ve considered it, and we’ve decided it was a waste of our time to even be saying this sentence.  No, you absolutely cannot have a public school graduation in a mosque, and yes, that’s the same thing.”

The SCOTUS largely agreed, though Scalia exercised his right to still be a misguided dick by releasing a seven page dissent that compared the act of forcing graduating high school students to be surrounded by evangelical paraphernalia to him being forced to listen to rock music.  He argued that this court’s earlier “Greece v. Galloway” decision was supposed to get rid of that whole first amendment nonsense, adding (quote) “and get the hell off my lawn!” (end quote).

“…And don’t touch the cross … It’s still hot.”

David Cortman of the “Alliance Defending Freedom” was disappointed by the dismissal saying (quote) “Church buildings should not be treated like toxic warehouses simply because they normally house religious activities” (end quote), failing to add all the more pressing reasons to treat church buildings like toxic warehouses.  He also inadvertently coined my new favorite descriptor of religion (quote) “Asbestos in the ceiling tiles of society”.

SCOTUS declines case of school graduation in mega-church:

And in “Colacho Libre hopes to avoid trampling babies” news … Thousands of spectators have descended upon the Spanish village of Castrillo de Murcia, to watch the annual religious tradition called Colacho, in which a masked gimp wearing a leather mariachi demon suit, hurdles clusters of infants with terrible parents.    

My mother taught me not to play with my food.  And also not to leap over defenseless babies.

According to an article from Religion News Service: (quote) “The highlight remains when the eponymous Colacho — a man wearing a yellow mask, yellow jacket, tight black pants and carrying a whip in one hand and oversized castanets in the other — runs around the village jumping over an obstacle course of babies aged 1 or younger.” (end quote) …

My favorite quote in the article was from, Angel Manso, the event organizer, who actually lamented that (quote) “Modernism is breaking down the way of life that leads to traditions like El Colacho” (end quote), which, in my mind, is the only justification for modernism one should ever need: “Modernity: It’s never inspired people in gimp costumes to run around Evel Knieveling babies.”

Spain obviously has some sort of “Who can create the dumbest ritual?” contest going on between its towns.  Bunol has a tomato-throwing contest.  Pamplona – of course – is famous for it’s “Adults Trampled by Bulls” thing.  And then Castrillo de Murcia – for their assinine holiday idea – against all odds, actually found a crazier trampling scenario.  

They’ve also got some celebration coming up where they wrastle wild horses to the ground and give them silly haircuts.  That’s actually real.  Makes you think an all baby olympics can’t be far off.

Former Colacho Jose Duenas described hurdling babies as “even easier than hurdling midgets, and half the price”, but admits he practiced before the event by jumping over mattresses strewn with local small children, and possibly also puppies.  For those looking to attend next year, I believe that Spain is a small country within Mexico, where Dutch soccer fans go to put their penis.  So google something like that.

Spanish people are fucking nuts:

And in “What do you call an atheist-ist?” news tonight, a new Pew survey reveals the incredible extent to which Americans hate us godless commie bastards.  It turns out that in addition to being less trusted than rapists and less electable than gays, we’re also the most unwanted in-laws.  And they said there’d be no Triple Crown this year.

Yeah, you’d think we’d be more electable, and more desirable in-laws.  But I’ve gotta admit that rapists are relatively honest, at least compared to the normal routine of tricking girls into consensual.  And if you’d mind, go ahead and start talking, while I walk back from this giant “honesty of rapists” limb I climbed out onto.

The survey asked 10,013 people about who they would and would not want their relatives marrying.  Leading the way, of course, were people who refuse to accept the divinity of an undead mythical Jewish warlock cabinetmaker.  Leading the demographic pack of anti-atheist bigotry were self described “conservatives”, 73% of whom would be unhappy if their daughter married an atheist, 16% of whom would admittedly be upset if she married outside the family at all.

They are attached to those extra fingers and toes.  

And fins come in handy for fishin’.  Perhaps even more disturbing than the fact that fully 49% of Americans expressed this bias against non-believers is the fact that only 9% of Americans would be unhappy if their relatives married a “born again” Christian; which suggests that either 91% of us have failed to notice how irritating those motherfuckers are, or an equal percent are still pissed at their relatives for stealing their VHS copy of Ghostbusters Two and feel they deserve being married to an asshole.

Half of Americans wouldn’t want atheist in-laws:

And from the “Maple Leaf Drag” file … Canadian photographer, queer Muslim, and contradiction in terms Samra Habib is proud to present her new photography exhibition – entitled “Just Me and Allah” – which opened yesterday at the Toronto Public Library.

I don’t usually see eye to eye with the fundamentalist Muslims, but I was offended by this whole exhibit.  For fuck’s sake, it “Just Allah and Me”.

Broken Canadian English aside, Ms. Habib has managed to combine the ideas of Canada, Islam, and gay photography, all into one headline.  So the rule says we segue straight from ridiculous attempt at reconciling Islam and homosexuality … directly to putting 30 seconds on the clock … “Gay Canadian Muslim Porn” … GO!!!

Wow… wouldn’t wanna make it too easy on me.  How about… Mec-Canadian Bacon… no, shit, they can’t have bacon.  How about… Calgary Flamers… that are Muslims?

“Bitch and Butch Cassidy and the Sunni Dance Kid”…tchner, Ontario- Damn this is hard!!!

“All Aboot the Boot: Qu’ranal Adventures.”

“Snatch-to-Snatch Me If Yukon” … with Muslims- FUCK!!!

“Strap-Ontario: Camel Toe to Camel Toe”

Or Camel Toe to Moose Knuckle … Canada has meece, right?

“Camel Toe to Moose Knuckle” with 2-headed “Rama-Dongs” by Peter Great White North

“Fatwa-nnipeg: Man on Manitoba”

“There’s Something A Boot Fairies” … starring Quran Jeremy

“Imamma’s Boy 4: Hell a fucks in Halifax”

“Iraq, Paper, Scissoring Night at the KlonDike Bar” … I’m picturing crotchless burqas.

How about a gay Canadian Muslim hookup site called “Allah Me”?  And the tagline could be “Fuck the Quran, Blow; a dude in Toronto.”

Careful.  Without condoms, SasCatchYouAn STD … Seriously, who’s fucking with the teleprompter?!?

Gay Muslim photo exhibit in Toronto:

And from the “Okla-homophobic” file tonight, Oklahoma State House hopeful Scott Esk is fielding a remarkably muted speckling of local controversy after a Facebook post came to light that would have left Hitler whispering, “Ot-nay in Ublic-Pay…”  When asked by one of us smart-assed atheists if he would support executing homosexuals by stoning, Esk astonishingly found a worse answer than “Yes.”

He really did!!!  It was more like: “Yes, and I’m so glad you asked, because I’ve really thought this out, and have a nuanced view on the subject.  The whole murdering gays question actually gets right at the heart of my platform.”

So here’s his actual response, (quote) “I think <<And right there, already a bad start.>> … Yeah anything but “No.” … (quote) “I think we would be totally in the right to do it.  That goes against some parts of libertarianism, I realize, and I’m largely libertarian, but ignoring as a nation things that are worthy of death is very remiss.”  (end quote)  So the only think Esk could think of that might make fatal xenophobic vigilante bludgeonings objectionable is that it might cost him some of the Tea-Party vote.

What if a gay wants to kill a gay?!?  Are we gonna deny him that right by killing him?!?

Esk gained local notoriety a few years ago when he was arrested for threatening to put a local priest (quote) “In a body bag” (end quote), though there is no word on whether the priest proceeded to shut him down with the Crane Technique.

Republican jack off supports the stoning of gays

And in “Museum of Super-Natural History” news, the surging demand in Boise, Idaho for a “brick-and-mortar” version of a pseudo-science website, finally led to the grand opening last Saturday of the Northwest “Science” Museum Vision Center, or NSMVC … which kind of sounds like a real thing.  So government-subsidized inefficient potato farmers finally have a place where they can find information about creationism besides CompuServe.  

Further cementing their reputation as the cultural mecca of the I-84 corridor east of the Cascade Mountains.  That’s right, Heyburn, I said it.

Basically, the place is a life-size subway pamphlet …but with dinosaur bones to seem extra science-ish-ey.  And just to clear up any confusion related to how they hijacked the word science: NSMVC’s website has a five minute trailer about their cause, with a bunch of “I’m real generic scientist, Bob Loblaw, and I definitely didn’t get fired from exactly 7 science departments for beginning every hypothesis with ‘Jesus, therefore …’ “

Best quote from the video in my opinion is when the narrator comes on and actually says, (quote) “The Northwest Science Museum will be unique among creation-based museums because it will be designed as a true science museum.” (end quote)  So full credit to them for at least recognizing what was wrong with those other creationist museums.

I know what you’re thinking … You’re saying to yourself, “I’m on board with these bible guys so far.  Unless they say something stupid and horrible about science causing genocide, or something …”  Well, they might have slipped up.  

And with a tip of the hat to Godwin’s law…

One spokesman nonchalantly calls evolution ‘absurd’, and then goes on to explain how Charles Darwin personally built Auschwitz: … (quote) “Hitler and his Nazi regime could never have done what they did without the foundation of Darwinian evolution.”  So Hitler was doing pros and cons with all the Arians: “Of course we do love all these Jews.  That’s a fact.  However … Have you guys seen the shape of these tortoise shells in the Galapagos islands? … So … Yeah, I guess we better do the Holocaust.  It’s just a matter of the shells.”

Brand new Idaho creationist museum claims “Darwin enabled the Nazis”:

And finally tonight, in “I, too, watched the Soccer-ball game” news, Jewish groups have finally exposed Nike for the secret vehicle of international Nazi propaganda that it’s always been.  Having successfully disguised themselves for decades as a prosperous manufacturer and retailer of barbarically overpriced athletic apparel, the veneer of corporate greed that’s successfully cloaked the company’s anti-semitic underpinnings was dis-unmistakably exposed in a five minute animation that has absolutely nothing to do with Judaism.

Yeah the bad guy robot coach looks like South African George Steinbrenner, with the evil suit, turtleneck combo.  So like you said, Jews aren’t even involved, and even if they were, I refuse to believe there’s a stereotype that says: “The real problem with Israel is how annoying they are to play soccer with.”  

The animation in question, titled “The Last Game” features a team of genetically engineered super-human footballers that suck all the life out of the game by playing sound fundamentals and failing to Shatner the fuck out of every brush with human contact.  And if you look at them just racist enough, they look Jewish.  What’s more, the obviously-a-soccer-ball logo worn by the evil soccer-clones kind of looks like a Star of David, but only if you really, really want it to.

As we’ve seen, the Jew card is pretty powerful.  But it doesn’t cover “Getting offended by shapes that vaguely contain six lines.”  You can’t use the Jew Card to ban hexagons!!!  No.

And as dismissive as I am about the complaints of these whiny bastards, I don’t want to let Nike off the hook entirely, as the video is certainly deserving of criticism.  In addition to lacking character development and structural depth, it was filled with unrealistic plot vehicles like a healthy Cristiano Ronaldo and athletic Jews.

And apparently LeBron’s contract says his image has to appear in every Nike ad, so out of nowhere, he dunks a basketball at the very end.  And you could tell it was CGI, because three guys didn’t have to carry him up to the basket, and then carry him back off the court.

Nike’s evil Jewish soccer-clones:

Well in his defense, it’s warm.  So I guess we’ll close on a long overdue LeBron dig.  Heath, thanks as always.

Big Bang Shakalaka!!!

And when we come back, Dan Fincke will be here to show us that having the right conclusion isn’t the same as having the right argument.


Babble – Ecclesiastes:

A couple of weeks ago Valerie Tarico published an article on AlterNet in which she asked a number of prominent atheists to share a passage from the bible that they actually found inspiring.  Hemant Mehta, Greta Christina, John Loftus, Dale McGowan and a number of others answered the call with more than a third of the chosen passages coming from the book of Ecclesiastes.

But like every movie with a good preview, that left me with impossible high expectations for this book.  So sure, it didn’t live up to the hype, but it was, by far, the best book thus far in the bible.

Yeah, didn’t expect the Bible to have an Atheism section.  That was a nice surprise.

But as not as bad as it was, it was still pretty bad.  So joining us for this partial reprieve from the horrors we’ve come to expect from this thing is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Happy to be here.

Only because that means you’re off the hook from another book of the bible for three weeks.  So let’s dive into Ecclesiastes, shall we?

  1. The opening chapter is poetic and there’s a refreshing bit of nihilism to it, <<must be exhausting>> but the author also says, “The sun revolves around the earth, fifth century BCE technology will never be surpassed and I’m really, really wise.”
  • And according to King James, much like the Dude: “The Earth abideth.”
  • Is it a good thing when one of your first chapter headings is called: “Wisdom is Meaningless”??? … And here’s what that part says: (quote) “For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.” (end quote) … Instead, it’s faith in the Bible, that leads to happiness.  So just to recap … Ignorance is bliss … And faith is bliss.  Who remembers how this works?  One more thing, then QED, right?
  1. And early and often we get this “all things are vanity” motif, which sounds good except that the person telling you (ostensibly Solomon but definitely not actually Solomon) is the most vain person on earth.  He says, “At first it was all about hoarding wealth and fucking hot chicks and owning the shit out of some other human beings and then I realized, hey, that’s kind of vain.”
  • “And I didn’t just buy slaves.  I also started breeding them indoors like pot … But in the end, even my awesome slave-spawning operation was meaningless, when I really thought about it.”
  1. Right, and then he says, “I devoted myself to wisdom and got way smarter than anybody else who ever lived in all of history and then I realized ‘hey, this is vain, too.’”  I’m betting everybody else realized you were vain before you did.
  2. And then there’s this stab at profundity that says, “And how unfair is it that people like me die just like stupid people who don’t have a bunch of gold and concubines?”
  • “Just throw the ‘Ancient Chinese Secret’ stuff in the atheist book.  We’re probably not even gonna use it.”
  1. And then the bible blatantly rips of the Byrds, “Turn, Turn, Turn”.
    1. It was so fucked up because as I’m reading that I’m singing it to myself, but the cadence doesn’t work, so I’m singing “A time to be born, a time to die, a time to plant, a time to pluck up that which is planted…
    2. And also, some of that stuff?  There’s no time for.  There’s no correct time to “throw stones.”
    3. Oh, and here’s a nice bible passage to have in your pocket for all those anti-evolution nut-wrinkles who claims that there’s some special divinity for humans that negates the observable facts.  Ecclesiastes 3:18 and 19 “I said in my heart with regard to human beings that they are but animals.  For the fate of humans and the fate of animals is the same; as one dies, so dies the other.  They all have the same breath and humans have no advantage over the animals.”  So… fuck off.  (that last bit is my own editorial addition)
  2. Chapter four drops a few pearls of wisdom on us.  For example: It’s better to pee downwind, than to have urine in your face … while God shits in your mouth.  And that’s the thing.  That guy was gonna shit in your mouth no matter what, so it’s all meaningless.
    1. But there’s other good wisdom there.  For example, did you guys know that it’s better to have somebody to fuck than to not have somebody to fuck?
    2. Well, I, too, read Ecclesiastes 4:8-12, but I’m pretty sure I already knew that.
    3. Did you also know that working all day under the sun sucks?
    4. Yep.  Mm-hm.
    5. Did you know that it’s better to be young and wise than old and stupid?
    6. Yep.  Yep.
    7. Okay, then no, there weren’t any pearls of wisdom in Chapter four.  Moving on.
  3. Chapter five kept, like, dancing around wisdom.  Like, it starts with this big thing about watching what you say and not running off at the mouth, but just to make sure it has a hint of uselessness, it frames the whole thing around talking to god.
    1. And then there’s some good stuff about not being obsessed with wealth.  And I agree with pretty much all of that, but it’s still tainted since this was a book designed for rich people to read to poor people.
    2. Yeah, it did have an air of “No, trust me, all this wealth and gold and shit is a huge pain in the ass.  You guys wouldn’t want it anyway.”
  • You do not want to take up the white man’s burden.  This shit sucks.  Yeah everyone can’t be rich, tall, and atheist.  We can’t do that, dude.  That fucks up our plan …
  1. But compared to the rest of the bible, this shit is awesome.  I mean, there’s actually something to chew on here and there.  But it’s depressing as all hell though, since the primary message is “What does any of it matter, dead man walking?”
    1. The secondary message is “The person writing this book has a nebulous definition of ‘vanity.’”
    2. And the tertiary message is “The rest of the bible is full of shit.”
  • It also very specifically mentions that if you have a hundred kids and enjoy a long, prosperous life, and then you don’t get a proper burial … You’d be better off as a stillborn fetus.  Am I cherry picking the perfect word of God?  Yes.  Should that matter?  No.  Still CRAZY!!!  
  1. One thing I’ll give this book, though; it’s a great source for atheist quote mining.  I’m sure I’ll get some mileage out of chapter 7 verse 10: “Do not say ‘Why were the former days better than these?’ For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.”  Kind of directly contradicts the entire conservative Christian political platform…
  • They also say that dying is better than being born, because death is everyone’s destiny … But so is birth, so they’re not even trying at certain points.
    1. Yeah, there was a lot of decent shit in that little poem at the beginning of chapter seven, but then they have to fuck it all up with the sexist close.
    2. Couldn’t get through this thing without a dig on how awful and stupid women are…
  1. Well, and chapter eight opens with a justification of the Nuremberg defense, so it’s not all wine and roses, but it’s at least a lot better.
    1. I also love how at the end of chapter eight it basically says, “It’s a darn shame that science will never exist, because how awesome would that be?”
  • Yeah it ends with King Solomon saying that if a guy claims to have a bunch of wisdom about the universe, you probably shouldn’t believe him.
  1. And I’m gonna nominate chapter nine as the single best chapter in the bible so far, and I don’t even think it’s close.  It does have a bit of a “You’re broken and only our religion can fix you” feel to it, but even with that it’s chocked full of good shit.
    1. But what makes it good is the fact that it sets aside the notion of an afterlife.  It actually says, in no uncertain terms, that there is no afterlife.  Verse 10: “Whatever your hand finds to do, do with your might; for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going.”  It’s a surprisingly Humanist chapter.
  • Must … mock … chapter!- Fuck, I’ve got nothing.  It’s actually a reasonable section.  Nothing to make a redneck picket sign about.  Not sure how this made the final cut.
  • Worth mentioning that it very nearly didn’t.  Apparently even the Jews were still debating whether this belonged in the canon in the third century CE.
  1. But just so that we don’t start expecting insight from this book, chapter 10 starts by reminding us not to put dead flies in our perfume.
  • Solomon has an ‘8-year-old telling a joke’ style mastery of Confucius proverbs.  It can’t just be two obvious statements with a semicolon in between.  That’s nothing.
    1. I think it also provides biblical justification for driving on the right side of the road, former British colonies.
    2. I love how there’s so much emphasis on how nobody knows what the future holds.  And it says this several times, even though we’re only one book away from the “Prophetic Books”.
  1. Then there’s some good Mitt Romney advice here … “Borrow a few thousand shekels from your parents and export grain to a corrupt foreign government.”  Just in general, be rich.
    1. Then it reminds you to be frugal and work hard and not be a bitter asshole in your old age.  That’s all good advice.
  2. And it closes by reminding you to fear god and keep his commandments, which is all bad advice.

I think it’s worth noting that the two main features of Ecclesiastes are the facts that it (a) is an oasis of actual wisdom and (b) directly contradicts the entire book up to this point.  So up until Ecclesiastes, the bible is precisely the opposite of wisdom.

But best of all, it was short.

Well, the good news… other than we have a couple of weeks before we have to read more bible… is that I’m pretty sure the next bit has some dicks flopping around and stuff, so the jokes should be a bit easier.

So next book is the wordsmith from this book singing a fucking song?!?  That he wrote, but hasn’t learned all the guitar parts yet.  Can’t wait.  Messiahnara bitches!!!

Alright, so thanks again for joining us, Lucinda.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the portion of the show where we look at the outline and notice that we’re a couple minutes shy of a full program, so we dig into the mail bag and let some of our wonderful listeners do the heavy lifting.

That’s right.  Our first email comes to us from an unnamed listener in an undisclosed location that writes to us to say:

“I always get a kick out of listening to your show in a country where I could theoretically get hanged for it.”

Yeah, we actually got two messages from two separate listeners whose jobs occasionally take them to the hand-chopping-off parts of the world saying the same thing.

Right.  So as much as we appreciate your willingness to die for a good dick joke, you should quit your job and move.  Or get Ben Affleck to exfiltrate you, if needed.

Our next email comes from Rick who loves the show but wonders if we’ve ever noticed that our “thirty seconds on the clock” bit is considerably longer than 30 seconds.

Yeah, but only the first 30 seconds are ‘on the clock’.  It’s just that we’re willing to give you cunt puns off the clock.

We also got a Tweet from a listener who was upset about our word choice on episode 66.  Noah was talking about beating off to a video of an underage girl pissing on a midget and apparently the offensive part of that bit was the word “midget”.

Yeah, this one’s been stuck in my craw for a minute.  If you think we should stop using that word, that’s fine and you’re free to present your case, but don’t just say “midget is now offensive. You’re supposed to say ‘little people’.  Didn’t you get the memo?”  First of all, “Jerking off to a video of a seventeen year old pissing on a little person” just isn’t funny.

No???  But I agree that “little people” is a ridiculous request.  That’s like blacks asking to be called “chocolatey people” from now on.

But most importantly, for a term to be offensive, shouldn’t the person using the term have to mean to offend someone?  I mean, in this scenario, the midget is getting pissed on in a good way.

Can a 17-year-old girl piss on a midget in a bad way?!?  Speaking of midget porn, when a midget porn star has partial chub, do they call it “Quarter Mast”?

The listener in question compared it to using ‘nigger’ or ‘kyke’; which is beyond hyperbole to me, and quite frankly, it’s disrespectful to everyone who’s ever been called a nigger or a kyke.  I mean, when you look up “midget” in a dictionary, it says, “person of unusually small stature”.  When you look up nigger and kyke it doesn’t say “black people and jews.”

But if you look up ‘niggardly’, it says “tipping like black people and jews”.

Way to guarantee we have some offended listeners to respond to again next week.  <<Ok sorry let me walk that back, Jews are pretty good tippers.>> Anyway, the very idea that you can retroactively apply offense to a word is silly to me, and it misses the point.  “Oh, a bunch of us got together the other day and decided that you can’t say ‘midget’ any more.  It’s now a slur.”  No… intent makes a word a slur.  Midget is a god damn adjective!  If I described a small submarine as a “midget submarine”, nobody would be offended.  If I described a black submarine as a “nigger submarine”, I’d be a racist asshole.

“We all live-“

I know you have undiagnosed Tourrette Syndrome, but we’re not doing it.

“We all live in a-“

Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  No no no no no.  Moving on!!!  And lastly, tonight, a note on pronunciation.  We had a listener send me a helpful video in response to my egregious pronunciation of the word “omniscient”.  The random YouTube video he sent set me straight: [Soundclip]

But, not being one to trust a single source, I listened to a second random YouTube video and it said: [Soundclip]

So I figured maybe random YouTube videos were an inadequate source, so I checked the MacMillan Dictionary, Dictionary (dot) com, the Merriam Webster and the Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary and luckily, they cleared it up: [Soundclip]

Hm… almost like there’s legitimate disagreement on the correct pronunciation there.  Look, if I’m wrong, I’m wrong and I’ll fix it, but until I get a definitive source on this, I’m gonna pronounce it how it’s spelled.

So, just a quick reminder for any would-be phonological nazis out there; being a pedant is already annoying when you’re right.

As Noah just demonstrated … So that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more emails, tweets and corrections.



Before we lock the gates tonight, I want to throw a shout out to a new power-hitter in the atheist podcasting world.  Friend of the show, friend of the community and Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta recently debuted a new podcast to compliment the great work he and his team do over at the “Friendly Atheist” blog.  He’s only got one episode out at the time of this recording and I haven’t had a chance to listen to it yet, but if it’s anything like the work he’s done on his blog and his YouTube video series, it’s gonna be phenomenal.  So congrats, Hemant, and I’ll show you the secret atheist podcaster handshake whenever you’ve got a free minute to Skype.

If you’re interested, of course, I’ll also have a link to his new show on the shownotes for this week’s episode.

Of course, I can’t wrap up without thanking Heath for doing twice as much work to make the show happen this week.  I need to thank Lucinda for lending us the lovely lilt of her voice once again.  Obviously I want to thank Dan Fincke one more time for both the great conversation you heard and the twenty minute introspective discussion on superhero movies we had after I stopped recording.  Definitely recommend his blog, which, again, will be linked on the shownotes for this episode.

I also need to thank him for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote, which reminds me that I’m starting to run low on my backlog of Farnsworth Quotes once again, so if you’ve got a blog, a podcast, a Facebook page or anything that might be of interest to our audience, feel free to send me a clip.  And if you’ve already sent a clip and I haven’t used it, let me know.  It’s entirely possible it’s buried somewhere among a bunch of clips I’ve already used and I’ve overlooked it.

Oh, and I should mention that there’s been a serious slowdown on our iTunes reviews, so if you haven’t given us a review there, please take a couple of minutes to help us out.  A steady stream of reviews keeps us on the front page of our section and helps us find new listeners, which really helps the whole thing keep going.

And if you can’t, won’t or already did leave us an iTunes review, you can cut out the middleman and just tell a bunch of people to listen to our show.  And tell them if they don’t listen they’ll burn for eternity in the underworld.  Believe it or not, I’ve seen that work before.

But of course, most of all, I need to thank this week’s most bestest people; Robbie, Jeff, David, Jonathan, Pekka, Marcel, T, Kifri, Reverend, Kenny, Alexander and Stephen.  Robbie, Jeff and David, whose erections necessitate the asterisk after the Burj Khalifa; Jonathan, Pekka and Marcel, whose legendary kung fu leaves them entirely indifferent as to whether or not the Hulk is angry; T, Kifri and Reverend, who are so sexy Mirror, Mirror on the Wall issued an official retraction; and Kenny, Alexander and Stephen, whose testicles make sperm whales wonder if they really deserve the title.

These twelve noble warriors of reason, in addition to perpetuating a damned eerie run of us receiving donations in weekly multiples of twelve, have earned beer-volcano front property in atheist heaven this week by giving us money.  If you’d like to snatch up some of this valuable afterlife property before it’s too late, you too can earn your way into my heart, my outro and my postmortem highrise by making a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find links for on our website.

You can also make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage, or you can support our efforts by picking up a copy of our first book, “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope” at the Kindle Store or other fine online retailers.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 69 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the episode due to time constraints)





Warning: This podcast contains obscene gestures.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new faith based tire sealant Cruci-fix-a-flat.  Every twelve ounce can comes complete with no ingredients, because if god wanted you to get to work, he wouldn’t have put that nail in the road.  Now get on your knees and thank him for not giving your children boils.

Cruci-fix-a-flat, because who needs a spare, when you’ve got a prayer?

And now, the Scathing Atheist



It’s Thursday,

It’s June 12th,

And this big soccer thing is already getting in the way of NFL training camp coverage.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from modern day Gomorrah, New York, New York,

And almost as modern as Gomorrah, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • The FFRF will make Iowa sit in the corner and stare at the wall for the rest of the period,
  • Catholics will buttfuck kids and lie about it… again…
  • And India still refuses to get down with the Sikhness.

But first, the diatribe.



I saw one of the most epic beat downs in the history of theological debate last week and you may have seen it, too.  If not, I’ll have a link for it on the shownotes and even though it’s long as fuck and your blood will boil every time the Christian sperm flake opens his mouth, it’s totally worth the two hours.

The title of the debate was “Is it reasonable to believe in god?”.  Arguing in the negative was Matt Dillahunty of Atheist Experience fame.  Arguing in the “La-la-la, I can’t hear you” was presuppositionalist testicle laceration Sye Ten Bruggencate.  And his position was even more ridiculous than his name.

So after watching Bruce Lee fight the ensign in the red shirt for an hour and a half they do a Q&A in this overwhelmingly atheist audience.  And the whole reason I bring this up is that one person sets up his question by asking, “Do you agree that democracy is the best system in a civilized society?” and Bizarro world Gandolfini shakes his head; “The best form of government is a theocracy”, and then he adds, of course, “A Christian theocracy.”

The whole audience gasped, but I doubt any of them were shocked that he believed that.  I think they were just surprised he admitted it.  Sure.  I think democracy is the second best form of government behind a complete dictatorial monarchy that I’m in charge of.  But I recognize that the latter isn’t practical so I settle for democracy.

And make no mistake, that exactly what the theocrats are proposing.  When Sye Bruggencate says he thinks “God” should be in charge of our government, he’s obviously talking about his interpretation of his religion’s god, who conveniently feels exactly the same way that Sye Bruggencate does on every issue.  We’re not electing Jimmy Stewart, we’re electing Harvey.  We just need Jimmy Stewart to tell us what the invisible rabbit says.

Now, most Christians wouldn’t have been so honest, but you’re lying to yourself if you think they don’t agree.  They love separation of church and state when it keeps them from having to pay taxes or provide comprehensive health care, but that’s where their love ends.  They may pay lip service to it and if they’re part of a minority religion they might really believe in it, but when it comes down to it, they all want to put their god in charge of your country.

Everywhere you look in America, the Christians are fighting for their theocracy, and not just in honest ways.  Can’t win the abortion issue through the courts or the ballot boxes?  Well then just buy up all the hospitals and cut out the service.  In the meantime, bullying, harassment and open calls for violence should suffice.

Your ideas don’t hold up to in academic fields?  Well then just sneak them into classrooms every chance you get.  And between now and then, just make your own schools and museums and seminars and colleges and peer-reviewed journals.

Can’t win in the court of public opinion?  Well just make your own TV channels, radio stations, magazines, books and amusement parks and hide the real world from your children.  With a little luck, you can just outbreed those socially responsible secularists one litter at a time.

You and I can disagree… hell, we probably do disagree on a lot of shit.  But we can have a conversation about it and work out our differences and compromise.  Hell, we can even change our minds.  But if the person you’re debating thinks they’re a proxy for god then there’s no room for accommodation.  Their opinion is infallible.

You can see this same MO in any number of issues… contraception, gay rights, science education, stem cell research, gender equality… doesn’t matter what the rest of the country has to say about it.  Or the rest of the world.  How could they possibly be swayed by the opinion of people who disagree with god?  It doesn’t matter if it’s a small majority like it is with gay marriage or an overwhelming majority like we have with contraception.  They will stand against demonstrable science, archaeological evidence and the laws of logic themselves!  So why would we ever think something as insignificant as the majority will slow them down?



Joining me for headlines tonight is Turing Test Champion Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to mimic genuine human speech?

That’s very an interesting point. Perhaps I should, too.

Well, by the Facebook standard, I guess you nailed it.

Like Pontius Pilate … In our lead story tonight, House Majority Leader and “Worst Jew Ever” Eric Cantor was defeated in the Republican primary for Virginia’s 7th district by Tea Party prospect Dave Brat.  This is extremely embarrassing for a few reasons: 1) Dave Brat is fucking awful …  2) It’s the first time a House Majority Leader has lost a party primary since the position was created in 1899 … And 3) The GOP just lost it’s “Token Congressional Jew”, so they’ll need to grow another one in the stem cell lab they just shut down.  Awkward conversation …

Yeah, but if he rises again three days later, he gets his own religion.  As far as consolation prizes go, that’s pretty solid.

Normally I’d be all about a conservative asshole like Cantor getting ousted in humiliation.  But he lost because he wasn’t enough of a conservative asshole for Virginia 7.  That’s right! … Eric Cantor – who supports legislative control of Fallopian tubes but not assault rifles – was too liberal for them.  And “liberal” in this case, is Virginian for “killed Jesus”.

Of course, the main issue Brat exploited was Cantor’s inability to sufficiently hate Mexicans, but the Messiah-cide certainly didn’t help.  He also took hits for raising the debt ceiling and eventually agreeing to end the government shut down, and that really played into Brat’s “Thunderdome 2014” platform.

Right … So Dave Brat – unlike Cantor – “unflinchingly” supports the Republican Creed, which includes the belief that: (quote) “Faith in God, as recognized by our Founding Fathers[,] is essential to the moral fiber of the Nation.” (end quote) …

And the last thing we need is moral constipation.

Not sure why it would matter what 18th century slave owners with wooden teeth thought, but just for the record, our founding fathers were secularists.  Actually, that was the whole point.  So faith in god as they recognized it, was – at best – something personal, that you shut the fuck up about when dealing with real-life things like organizing a society.

Eric Cantor not Republican enough:

And in this week’s installment of ridiculous bullshit excuses for Catholic child-fucking, we have Archbishop Robert J. Carlson, who claims there’s too much gray area about when you can and can’t legally stick your dick in a kid’s ass.  <Yeah, it’s fuzzy…>  Not at the age Catholic priests like them, but yeah, eventually they’re fuzzy.  Now you’ll recall that last week we had the story of a lawyer arguing on behalf of the New Jersey diocese that priests are definitionally off the clock whilst diddling children.  In a blatant display of one upmanship, Archbishop Carlson said during a deposition last week that he was unaware that there was a law against child-rape.

So as we often must qualify … This actually happened. Carlson was asked if he knew that pedophilia was illegal in the 70’s, and he responded: (quote) “I’m not sure whether I knew it was a crime or not. I understand today it’s a crime.” (end quote) … Then he was asked when he picked up this important nugget of wisdom, and he couldn’t recall … “They send out so many memos.  We’re raping kids.  Now we’re not.  Now we’re catching, but not pitching.  Now mouth stuff only.  It’s impossible to keep track.”

Yeah, well the Memento guy of pedophelia probably questioned his lawyers advice on this one, to which his lawyer says, “Either you get some damn broad amnesia or you admit publicly that you knowingly allowed one of your priests to sexually torture children without exhibiting the slightest pang of humanity.  So at that point sociopathic perjurer is actually the better option from a PR perspective.”

Archbishop not sure whether child-rape was a crime:

“Law?!?  Child rape?!?  Against?!?  These are just meaningless mouth noises.” … Moving on … In “What if everyone carried a sword?” news, the Sikh relgion did the exact opposite of dispelling stereotypes, when an actual large-scale sword fight broke out during what appears from photographs to be a brightly-colored scarf-hat convention, at the Golden Temple in Amrisar, India.

But yeah, they should totally be allowed to carry those fuckers onto public transit.  Because I’m sure Sikhs are way more respectful on buses than they are in the holiest shrine in their entire fucking religion.

From what I gather, the mustard yellow guys wanted to give their speech to the crowd first, but cornflower blue wasn’t having it.  <No they weren’t> And since they were right there, on the set of Aladdin, with a staircase, a barrel, and an apple cart ready to go, they settled the dispute with a blatantly choreographed stage fighting sequence.  Mustard yellow finally won after doing a backflip and yelling: “Haha!!!  I’m not left handed either!!!”

Yeah, as cool as a group of elderly zealots swinging scimitars at each other sounds, this was the worst swordfight since the second Legend of Zelda.

So they were actually gathered to honor key martyrs for their now-booming religion, on the 30th anniversary of Operation Blue Star – a 1984 raid by Indian troops that killed over 400 Sikhs who were suspected armed separatists.  They were at least armed, because part of the Sikh uniform for dudes, is one of those enormous curved bad guy swords.

But it makes you wonder if there’s some infinite regress of dead Sikhs going on here.  You know, they make a holiday to mark this battle too, and then a swordfight breaks out at that one, so they make another holiday to mark that battle and so on… there’s gotta be a more efficient ways of ridding the world of Sikhism.

I’m sure we can think of something.  In fact, 30 seconds on the…

Sorry, bro, there’s a line.  No 30 seconds’ bits for genocide strategies.

You’re such a tease!

Swordfight breaks out in Sikh temple during ceremony:

And in “Iowa don’t owe-a you nothing” news tonight, the state of Iowa’s “Vision Iowa” program has seen the light and decided not to invest $140,000 of taxpayer money in the construction of a Christian themed park in Sioux City.  “Shepherd’s Gardens” boasts $5000 worth of crosses, five designated “prayer spaces” and a website that loads up like AOL dialup.

What the fuck is a prayer space?!?  When you’re talking to God, do the acoustics really matter?!?

Upon hearing of the state’s intent to partially fund a park intended to (and I quote) “[Counteract the] rise of secular influence in our culture”, the secular influence in our culture told them to fuck off.  Specifically, the FFRF sent a letter explaining that this was (quote) “…one of the most egregious grants for a religious purpose FFRF has encountered” (end quote).

Yeah this seemed like a secret shopper testing the FFRF guy who’s in charge of Iowa … “We’d like to impose a tax on being Jewish, Muslim, and atheist to account for the terrible weather and school shootings they cause.  And we want them to buy us a park.  And a shrubbery.”  No.  We’re not doing that.

After first proposing that the state pay only for the non-Christian aspects of the entirely Christian park, a solution on par with pointing out that six out of seven orifices weren’t raped, legal counsel for the state and part time toilet paper tensile integrity guardian Timothy J. Whipple informed the FFRF that the board ultimately rescinded the grant.

Iowa capitulates on planned $140,000 grant for Christian themed park:

And in “Goldman Sacks Entire SEC” news, the financial watchdog agency that monitors the Vatican … is employed by the Vatican!!!  And it seems Pope Fransparency felt the meaningless group of Italian people he hireld to ignore Nazi gold transactions, should be fired and replaced by an equally meaningless group of international people … that will ignore Nazi gold transactions.

The WWE referees of financial watchdogs.  But as inept as these guy are at detecting fraud, I’ll do them the credit of saying that even they would have called that fucking goalie interference in game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals.  I mean… are you fucking kidding me!?  He was butt-raping Lundqvist mid shot!  For fuck’s sake…

So the Vatican has been blatantly and egregiously violating international anti-money-laundering standards for centuries.  People just now realized this apparently, so to alleviate all the concern, Catholicism hired it’s own watchdog in 2010.  Not surprisingly, this accomplished nothing.  So in 2012, they put Swiss anti-money-laundering expert Rene Bruelhart in charge.  Surprise twist …  Turns out anti-money laundering experts are almost always also pro-money-laundering experts.  And when the board members complained about being kept in the dark by the new transparency guru … they got fired.

In Pope Frandelay Industry’s defense, though, he’s already seen that the international media doesn’t see any difference between empaneling people to do something and doing something, and doing something is hard.

Pope Francis fires entire financial watchdog panel:

And in “The only people who talk about ducks more than my autocorrect” news tonight, Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson has announced the imminent publication of a new bible that will focus on the core values of faith, family, fellowship and fag-hating.  In addition to the regular bible, this version will include more than one hundred articles written by a man who thinks “Whoo hee hee” is a word and that the term “A real man” can precede the word “don’t”.

Do you wish poor people would just die already, but found that Atlas Shrugged was way too many pages???  Do you hate gay people, but couldn’t even get to Leviticus???  Then you’ll definitely be able to struggle through our new book …  “I’m Borderline Illiterate, but God is my Ghost Writer” – by Phil Robertson

Publisher “Thomas Nelson Bible Group” is excited about the new project, pointing out that Wal-Mart just can’t keep the Duck Dynasty merch in stock.  Vice President and Associate Publisher Robert Stanford told reporters, (quote) “We are honored and excited to be working with Phil and his son on this new Bible.  Our demographic research shows that as long as the cover art contains these filthy rednecks and a cross, the rest can be Ipsum Lorem… it’s not like these fuckers can read.”

People who bought this book also bought “Mass Opiates for Dummies”, “Learn to Read”, and unreasonably large firearms … And a book by that same title.

Now, in case Robertson is listening, I think we should toss out some ideas for him, so 30 Seconds on the clock; proposed changes for the redneck bible.  Go!

Like a more clear cut stance on homosexuality?

That would be a good start, but I was thinking about stuff like Jesus turning the water into Old Milwaukee.

The Book of John Deere

The lying down with beasts thing is more of a guideline than a rule.

As long as it’s a girl sheep …

I’m picturing The Last Supper at Cracker Barrel … And Jesus has the power mullet.

Say what you will about Cracker Barrel, but their gravy-fried gravy is awesome.  Okay, so… Instead of Damascus, Paul was on the way to Dollywood.

When Jacob wrastles God, he wins by using a folding chair when the ref’s not looking.

They only have six commandments because they needed room in the ark for a couple beers and some bait.

For the Appalachian folk, God breathes life into the mouths, not the noses.  They never learn the nose version, but now they know why.

Three words: Bandana of thorns

Twist ending: Jesus was dead the whole time.  So was his dad.  And the guy from Die Hard.

And of course, in this one Lot’s daughters don’t have to trick him.

Duck Dynasty stars to release their own redneck bible:

Jesus of NASCAReth … Awful!!! Who writes this fucking stuff?!?  Puns aren’t funny!!! … And finally tonight, in a follow up to a story from last week, from the “Have your Cock, and your KKKake and Eat it Too” file, Richard Land – of the Southern Evangelical Seminary – has come to the defense of the homophobic Colorado bakery owner Jack Phillips, who refused to make a drag bundt cake for a gay wedding.

It’s about time somebody spoke up on behalf of the straights.  And to be honest, I’ve been wondering where the Southern Evangelical Seminary falls on the “rights of gays to eat cakes” issue.

Well to help everyone understand his position, Land decided his thoughts would be best expressed with a hate group analogy … Because people get those.  He claimed that laws against bigotry are unfair because they wouldn’t allow black bakery owners to refuse KKK pastry requests.  Not sure if there’s any particular DNA sequences for hating blacks and Jews, but regardless, being gay … and Klanning … are at least slightly different.

They’re just two different ways of getting the sheets dirty if you ask me.  Seriously.  They both have parades, they both ride steeds, they both appreciate a well hung black man…

Earlier this year, Dick Land also dropped this science brilliant bomb: (quote) “A high percentage of adult male homosexuals in America were sexually molested when they were children […] Anybody who’s a counselor […] will tell you that.” (end quote) … So if kids would just avoid getting molested, and spend more time in church where that can’t happen … they wouldn’t keep catching the GAIDS, and we wouldn’t even have this cake problem.

Pastor: “Forcing a Christian to bake cake for gays is like forcing blacks to join the KKK”:

Well I guess that’s as close to an AIDS joke as we’re gonna get tonight, so we’ll close the headlines there.  Heath, thanks as always.

Why is it so hard to cure AIDS?

Guess I begged for that.  I don’t know, why is it so hard to cure AIDS?

It’s hard to get the mice to butt-fuck.

And when we come back you’ll pretend you didn’t miss us, but we’ll know you did.



It’s time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show; this is the sporadic few minutes we set aside every 4 to 10 episodes or so to bring you up to speed on all the great secular, atheist and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.

We’ll just assume it’s too late to talk you into hitting up a June conference and start off this week in Minneapolis on July 4th weekend, where SkepchickCon will be taking place within the larger umbrella of ConVergence.  Debbie Goddard, Surly Amy, Rebecca Watson and PZ Myers to name a few and what the fuck else would you be doing in Minneapolis?

The following weekend we have an even cooler con in a much cooler place.  The Amazing Meeting is the biggest annual skeptical conference in the country, they’re in their sixteenth year and it gets better every time.  This year’s speakers include Daniel Dennett, Steven Novella, Julia Galef, Richard Wiseman, Eugenie Scott and if you haven’t been keeping up, they’ve recently added Bill Nye to the guest list.  So yeah.  Beg, borrow, steal, hitchhike, whatever.

For our listeners in Brisbane, you’ve got a Skepticamp event coming up next month with friend of the show Jake Farr-Wharton from the Imaginary Friends show, Ross from Skeptically challenged and a host of other people I’ve never heard of that will probably still be awesome.  That’s coming up on the 19th of July.

The Atheist Alliance of America will be holding their annual convention in Seattle this year.  That’s August 7th through the 10th and includes Sean Faircloth, Steven Pinker, Richard Carrier and more.  I heard great things about their con last year and look forward to hearing great things about this one in the near future.

As always, you can find more information about any of these events on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And if you’re involved with an event that needs a little PR, I’m happy to plug it.  You’ll find the contact info on that very same website I was just telling you about.


Poem – Proverbs


There’s a pamphlet’s worth of wisdom buried deep within the Bible.

Between condemning all this random shit and killing Jewish rivals,

Between the stoning and the genocide, and the fifty-shekel price,

One pays for raping women, there’s a bit of good advice.


Though the majority of what’s in this lengthy book is quite unsavory,

Like the sexist, racist, homophobic stuff and nods to slavery.

There’s a begrudging bit of decent stuff speckled here and there,

But it’s as hard to find as black people in films by Peter Weir.


So I forgive you if you give up in a state of disenchantment,

When they miss a moral statement with two thirds of their commandments.

But I assure you if you read enough, and keep an open mind,

You’ll be surprised by bits of noble stuff you’ll occasionally find.


Take Proverbs, for example; with it’s nine hundred fifteen lines,

Most of which are useless shit, that you could see if you were blind.

A couple more are awful, and some are quite misleading,

But the twelve or so left over are certainly worth reading.


Like Proverbs Fifteen One, for instance, which reminds us to ask nicely,

And despite the verbose shit so far, it says this one concisely.

Or Twenty Seven; Two, in which it tells you not to gloat…

Which makes you wonder if god ever even read the book he wrote.


In chapter fourteen it explains that to believe on faith makes you a fool

And at the end of twenty four it all but states the golden rule.

Or chapter thirty one, which says to drown your grief in wine

Or the nineteenth verse of chapter five which says that titty fucking’s fine.


It’s relative, of course, as this books filled with vile spite,

But after Joshua, Mein Kampf is only kind of impolite.

But compared to all the books that don’t approve of genocide,

Proverbs is a sorry choice for someone’s moral guide.


Take for instance chapter one, verses twenty six through twenty eight;

Which reminds us that the lord will mock your broken-hearted fate.

In two and five, six, seven, nine and twenty one through thirty;

We learn you can’t trust women, as they’re odious and dirty.


Those filthy floozy harlot sluts, maliciously malign;

So make sure to choose a modest girl for your two-hundredth concubine.

Owning slaves is fine as long as you, abuse them all to hell.

Just treat them like your kids whom you, I guess should beat as well.


Yes, even in this relatively good part of the book,

I’d forgive someone for thinking that the translator mistook

The Hebrew for pinata for the english word for child.

So even when it’s better, the Bible’s still to be reviled.



Before we slip into our PJs tonight, we’ve got a big announcement to make.  After only twelve weeks, we’ve reached our Patreon goal of five hundred dollars per episode which means that starting next week, this show is going to be an hour long.

Now, we recognize that that’s gonna take a lot more work and we don’t want to risk lowering the overall quality of the show, so if we find that we can’t record an hours worth of podcast for you every week without sacrificing the level of quality you’ve come to expect from us, we’ll rethink this thing and find another way to fulfill our obligation to our patrons.  So over the next four weeks, bear with us as we make the transition and by all means, drop us a line and let us know what you think of the changes.

I also want to let everyone know that just because we reached that goal, it doesn’t mean you have to stop donating to us on Patreon.  We’ve set up a new goal that will allow us to significantly improve the quality of the show and churn out a lot more content for you.  If we can reach $850 an episode on Patreon, Heath has agreed to quit his job and join me in my sub-Bible-Beltian exile.  So if you haven’t already signed up for a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com, please do exactly that and help reunite Heath and me.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  If you can’t wait that long, you can always find little nuggets of Scatheism on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page… and I might as well say that there’s stuff on our Google Plus page too since nobody will ever know that there isn’t.

Can’t close things out without thanking Heath for begrudgingly succumbing to my relentless pressure to double the length of the show.  I need to thank Lucinda for all the work she’s gone through to get back to fucking strength, of course I need to thank Pastor Roy of the Catfish Creek Trailer Park for begrudgingly providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  He’s a regular guest on the Atheists On Air podcast which is absolutely phenomenal if you haven’t checked it out.  You’ll find it linked on the shownotes for this episode, of course.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most crucial chordates; Aaron, Bryce, Chad, Mike, Jason, Erik, Sakura, Jen, The Just, Kim, Crystal, Paul, Alex, Sonja, Jerry, Anne, Pascal, Henk, Raymond, Dan, other Mike,  John, Kevin and Frank.  Aaron, Bryce, Chad, Mike, Jason and Erik, whose tongues are ribbed for her pleasure; Sakura, Jen, The Just, Kim, Crystal and Paul, who have enough gravitas to bend light; Alex, Sonja, Jerry, Anne, Pascal and Henk, whose IQs have parentheses and greek letters in them; and Raymond, Dan, other Mike, John, Kevin and Frank, who have to schedule their erections with air traffic controllers.

These twenty-two selfless, soulless, sinless specimens of secularity have earned their way into my heart, my outro and my zombie bunker if that ever becomes necessary this week by giving us money.  If you too would like to earn my love, my outrageous flattery and your share of those freeze dried legumes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you can make a per episode donation and that website, again, is Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll also find linked on our website.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.



Episode 68 – Partial Transcript

June 5, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)




Warning: Eli’s on this episode so you might want to pee before you listen.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Christian Mingle (dot) com, because as far as we can tell, there’s no law against advertising for a company against their will.  So try Christian Mingle (dot) com, because when I say “Fuck Christians”, it’s not always metaphorical.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s June 5th,

And there’s no such thing as “well done but juicy”.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “Ballgame over! Yankees win!” New York, New York,

And “Rebels Trail at Halftime” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll wonder why Easter candy is being sold in Malaysia,
  • We’ll learn that Hitler’s not as bad when you compare him to god,
  • And Eli Bosnick will join us to discuss that guy who hosted Later With Greg Kinnear.

But first, the diatribe…



Ever since I moved to Georgia, I’ve been looking forward to the missionaries.  I could hit the nearest church to my house with a frisbee and the next nearest with about a 3 wood.  I see roving bands of Jesus proxies everywhere I go in this town so I knew it was only a matter of time.

And when it finally came it was like a perfect storm of anger and rage.  It should have been a thing of beauty.  After the surgery, my wife was up and down and tossing and turning so I slept on the couch for the first couple of post-op weeks and it’s pretty okay for a couch but it’s still a couch.

Right about that time the AC goes out in my house.  So, of course, we get highs in the mid-nineties the whole time.  And for our international listeners, ninety five fahrenheit is three hundred and eight point one five Kelvin.  So it’s fucking hot.

Anyway, I wake up in the morning to a knock on the door that I hope is the repairman but instead it’s a couple of used afterlife salesman.  I’m wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts and a sheen of sweat, the perspiration in my hair has congealed into this reverse pillow mold and at that point I’d have been pissed if it was the Publisher’s Clearing House guys unless one of them had a background in AC repair.

All the ingredients were there for an epic, heartless, misanthropic beat down, but there was one problem.  The missionaries in question were three girls, ranging in age from fourteen down to nine.  The eldest is muttering something about an island and a boat and she’s clearly forgetting the last half of her sales pitch midway through the first half, so after a bit of stammering she asks me if I’ve made room in my life for Jesus.

So I consider it for a second and I say, “I liked some of his early stuff.”

This clearly wasn’t in their flowchart so it earned me a few seconds of blank stares and I added, “but once he got into that ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ phase, I tuned out.”

And apparently preteen Baptist girls don’t watch Reservoir Dogs because it clearly didn’t ring a bell.  But undeterred, Jesus’s groupies went on to the next line, which was something about some dead carpenter or another.  But I was done making fun of them and it was too hot to try to explain the concept of “incorrect” at that point so I told them I had important Messiahs to ignore but they were free to come back some other time.

It’s hard for me to imagine how that was supposed to go in their minds.  Do groups of socially awkward teenie-boppers have high conversion rates?  Are they concerned that somebody in town missed the church signs and giant crosses and “Christian Owned Business” stickers and bible verses and Christian book stores and yard signs and the bumper stickers and t-shirts and the eleven religious channels on basic cable and hadn’t heard the news about his sins having been died for?  Did the preacher think to himself, “If anything will subdue the skepticism of the wayward masses, it’s the wisdom of One Direction fans?”  And did mom and dad think to themselves, “What a great time to send the girls out unsupervised to the homes of middle aged men that we’ve never met!  I know it’s ninety five degree out, but it’s a wet heat.”

But, of course, I know that they know they’re not gonna convert me.  I’m just a prop in this game.  The preacher didn’t send them out to spread their faith, he sent them out to strengthen it.  It’s all about cramming as much Jesus as he can into every nook and cranny of their lives.  I’m a vaccine against all the people that might challenge their beliefs later in life.  I’m an unwitting pawn in their indoctrination.

Nothing betrays the depravity of religious leaders like their willingness to exploit children, and I’m not just talking about the ones that molest them.  I just don’t see how anyone can resolve this in their own heads.  How can you believe that teaching kids that there really are monsters under their beds is anything but unconscionable?



Joining me for headlines tonight is treif enthusiast, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to scare some swine-o-phobes?

So here’s what I’ve been doing … I carry a strip of bacon with me everywhere I go in New York City, and touch every surface I can.  That includes every straw in every restaurant if possible.  So if pig molecules irrationally frighten you, don’t come to New York any more.

In our lead story tonight, a Utah high school has taken decisive action against inappropriate shoulder-inspired erections this week by photoshopping modesty onto the floozies in their yearbook.  Officials at “Watch Snatch” high school in South-Central Heber City, Utah enraged a number of their female students by adding sleeves to tank tops and camisoles to the pre-cleavage chest area.

I can understand where these girls are coming from.  You’ve gotta look good when you’re 16-years-old, and have eight other younger wives to compete with.

Though they stopped short of going full hijab on these chicks, several of the students were outraged by the changes.  To their credit, the school later apologized for not altering more of the photos!  When this was brought to their attention, they were devastated by the fact that some of those little harlots got away with showing bare necks on their yearbook pictures after all.

Blasphemy!!!  Might as well be the “Clavicle Fetish” section of a porn site!!!

I think it’s worth noting… and this is coming from a guy that grew up in the scrambled-porn whacking era… I can assure these school officials that no amount of digital remastery is gonna slow down a teenage boy looking to rub one out.

Yeah porn on dial-up was rough, but we certainly still made it work.  The girl would show up in small horizontal bars, about once a minute, so by the time it got down to the upper shoulders, it was usually too late.  I’d finally see some snatch while I was cleaning up.

“And we liked it!”

Utah High School modifies girl’s yearbook pics to look more modest:

And from the “Still in Denial” file, Life Savers Ministries of Alabama recently put up – and then immediately had to take down in public embarrassment – a billboard in Auburn with the following two quotes … #1: “He alone, who owns the youth, owns the future.” … And #2: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” … These particular brainwashing tips were taken from two sources: Proverbs 22:6 and … wait for it … Adolph Hitler.

And it’s not like they just didn’t know who said that.  They actually had the attribution on the billboard!  It was written in red and it was bigger than the biblical attribution so there was no possible way you could drive by and not realize you were getting parenting advice from Hitler.

So let’s set aside the Holocaust thing … Who even knows whether- … Just ignore that for a moment … The message of the billboard is insane.  First of all, it admits that Hitler and God use the same recruiting strategy.  Not a selling point.  And it also suggests that brainwashing people from birth to be religious zealots hasn’t lead to nearly every single genocide campaign in human history.  Which it clearly has.

You’d think at least the ad company would have said something.  The guy designing the thing?  “Hey guys… I know it’s your ad and everything, but are you sure you want to associate yourself with the Nazis?  I mean, I agree that at least it’s an ethos and all…”

So yes … Somehow, nobody foresaw any negative reaction to the name “Adolph Hitler” printed in huge letters, on an enormous highway poster.  Turns out several people in Alabama know someone that’s seen a Jew, and they were – of course – mildly offended on their behalf.

“I seen me a jew once!  Had one a ‘em little hats and everthang.”

Following the very subtle public outcry, Ministry founder James Anderegg admitted that – in retrospect – it might have been better to use a Herbert Hoover quote instead.  Which clearly betrays his knowledge of “Anyone But Hitler”, and really only makes it worse.

“But Hitler’s mom let’s him do it”:

And in “Don’t try this at home” news tonight, we have a fucked up story about a crazy person murdering a kid.  Raging psychotic Kimberly Lee Lucas, after being told repeatedly by the sane people around her that Abraham was commendable for the whole “willingness to murder his kid for god” thing, decided to emulate this biblical hero.  And it turns out that, no, killing children on the command of the voices in your head isn’t all the bible makes it out to be.

“Yeah I stabbed my 2-year-old with a knife.  But I didn’t think it would work!!!” … Where are the censors now?  At least Grand Theft Auto has you murdering hookers, not your own child.  And by the way, the Bible also has you murdering hookers, just for the record.

Now, we generally try to avoid stories about baby murder and crazy people on this show because by and large you can’t blame religion for its adherents being mentally ill… and baby murder jokes stop being funny if you’re talking about actual murdered babies.  But when you are arm crazy people with stories that glorify attempted infanticide you have to accept at least some of the blame.

Yeah to be fair, I’d say the blame is spread out evenly, across all the holy books that glorify attempted infanticide.

Now let me stave off a few emails right now by making it clear that I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to buy bibles or that all bibles should be banned.  I’m just endorsing waiting periods and background checks.  And maybe we should rethink our policies on assault bibles.

Woman kills child while reinacting Abraham and Isaac story:

And from the biggest file we have … Reverend Terence McAlinden – while employed as a youth group leader at the Diocese of Trenton in the 1980’s – sexually assaulted Chris Naples numerous times during church-sanctioned trips.  Naples has filed suit, but according to the diocese lawyer, the church is not responsible because the rapist was technically “off the clock” during those particular incidents.

Yeah, well in their defense, the Catholic Church has had a long standing “Who you fuck on your own time is none of our business” policy, haven’t they?

Indeed they have … The ‘off duty’ excuse prompted one of the justices to ask: “How do we determine when a priest IS and IS NOT on duty?” … The defense lawyer replied: “You can determine a priest is not on duty when he is [abusing] a child, for example”  … So they have a Pedophile Scotsman Policy.  “Clock out if your cock’s out.”

I feel the need to point out that that was a real quote.  The lawyer really said that.  He wasn’t a priest at that time because, by definition, priests don’t have their dicks in kids.  He was a priest between thrusts, sure…

Running out of clever titles for pedophile stories:

And in “Spiritual Death by Chocolate” news tonight, several raging Muslim lunatics are left with creme egg on their faces this week when it turned out their fatwa against a candy bar may have been premature.  The story began last month when the Malaysian Ministry of Health demanded a recall that led to a fatwa against Cadbury.  At first I thought it was inspired by the fact that there’s no logical place to start eating those fucking creme eggs without splurting sugar sperm all over your chin, in which case I’d have been behind it entirely, but it turns out it was actually prompted by the detection of a few molecules of pork.

What I like to do for breakfast, is break two or three creme eggs over bacon and toast.  That way you can wipe up the sugar sperm with the extra toast.

Every sperm is sacred… Now, I know it’s hard to imagine Muslims getting the science wrong, but it turns out they didn’t adequately control for contamination.  Upon rectifying that oversight, the tests came back negative.  So yes, Malaysia is safe from spiritually deficient demon swine once again.  Now maybe the country that ranks between Libya and Syria on the human development index can move on to removing the piss from the tap water.

Or maybe they can spend a few days finding that fucking airplane!!!  It’s not as if it’s a tiny packet of fucking peanuts.

These new data have done little to slow down boycotts and demonstrations against the company.  When asked if the new findings were enough to exonerate the chocolatier, a spokesman for the Association of Islamic Consumers said (quote), “If we were the kind of people that changed our positions because of evidence, we wouldn’t be religious.”

Fatwa issued against Cadbury chocolate:

And finally tonight, in “Have Your Cock and Eat it too” news, the Colorado Civil Rights Commission has ruled that Jack Phillips – owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop – must stop discriminating against gay people by refusing to make wedding cakes for same-sex marriages.  Incidentally, such marriages don’t technically exist in Colorado yet, despite their very liberal stance on what can and can’t be put into baked goods.  And just to be clear, they draw the line after marijuana, but before a second cock.  Jason Biggs would have been safe.

I bet he never thought fucking that pie would be the high point of his career.

Dude wouldn’t have lasted a day on The Creek … So let’s recap: Phillips puts flower-shaped dollops of pink icing on cakes for a living, but refuses to be involved with gay stuff in any way whatsoever.  Sounds like the demand for homosexual food service isn’t being met in Colorado … So let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for a Gay Catering Business” … GO!!!

Circle Jerked Chicken

“Pie a la Mo”

Adam’s Apple Upside Down Cake?  Made with fresh tranny apples?

Don’t mix up the tops and bottoms … What about: “Five Guys Sharing Ass…Burgers and Fries”?

I think you could have just stopped at “Five Guys”… how about “Squeals on Wheels: All the pillow you can bite for one low price”

Tossed Fruit Salad … Some people prefer jelly … Most likely “Felch’s Grape”

I only like it with Peanut Bugger.

Like those gay cream pies … What are they called? … FlufferNutters in the Butter

How about Santorum-balls?

Man on Manchester Tart??? … Queer-a-misu???

A little “Queef Brisket” for the Lesbian menu

BrownEye Rounds: Donut-Shaped Fudge-Packed Brownies

Chubway Footlongs?  Or you can get the really big ones and circumcise a little bit at a time.

“Epstein’s Barbecue: Smokin’ Pole Food”

“Rusty Trombone Appetit”

“Two Guys, One Cupcake”

If I’m not mistaken, two girl-one cup references are to our headlines as fat ladies are to operas, so I guess that does it for tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will be here to discuss the new film “Little Mister Monkeyshines”



Before we abdicate the throne tonight I wanted to let everyone know we’re getting damn close to our five hundred dollar an episode Patreon goal.  For those who don’t know, when we hit $500 we’re gonna make a go at doubling the length of the show so if you want more us, we’re only about thirty three bucks shy now, you can get us closer by visiting Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and making a per episode donation.

Also want to remind everybody that I was on the most recent episode of The Imaginary Friends Show podcast, that’s episode one eighty two of Jake’s fine show, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for this episode.  Had a blast with Pete Darwin and Ross from the Skeptically Challenged Podcast, and you’re invited to listen to that blast at your convenience.

I also wanted to remind everyone that every time somebody buys a copy of “Diatribes, Volume One: Fifty Essays from a Godless Misanthrope”, an angel gets his wings… and then gets them thumbtacked to a cork board for a fourth grade science project.  You’ll find links to buy both the ebook and the paperback at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Can’t shut it down without thanking Heath for boldly going where no abortion joke has gone before; I need to thank Lucinda for inexplicably failing to divorce me by now, I want to thank Paul from the Quranify Me podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote… and if you haven’t checked out his show yet, be sure to check the shownotes for a handy link.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most interesting persons of interest, Dave, Wayne, Derrick, Andrew, David, Mark, Allen, Matthew, Richard, Michael, Z and other Michael.  Dave, Wayne and Derrick, whose strength would be the standard unit of measurement horses would use if horses built cars; Andrew, David and Mark, whose erections are engorged with enough blood to feed a family of vampires on Thanksgiving; Allen, Matthew and Richard, whose cocks are so big even Galactus just works the tip; and Michael, Z and other Michael, whose names god calls out when he comes.

These twelve well-meaning, well-endowed well-wishers have swelled our well-being this week by giving us money.  Giving us money takes courage, dedication and two and a half to three minutes, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but you forgot the combination to your mattress, you can also help us out by leaving us a review on iTunes or Stitcher or other places as you see fit.  Also, sharing our show on Facebook and Twitter and stuff is a great way to prune the humorless asshats.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.


Episode 67 – Partial Transcript

May 29, 2014 5 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.





Warning: The book of Proverbs says you shouldn’t listen to people of my gender… but fuck that book.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Prostate Farm: Anal Virginity Single Prayer Health Insurance: Where you can bet your ass that we’ll pay your claim.  Are you worried about the rectal risk of sending your children to church but still insist on sending them to church anyway?  Are you afraid they might turn the other cheek the wrong way?

Well then let Prostate Farm cover your ass.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s May 29th,

And whole milk is still better.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

And I’m Heath Enwright.  And from the city nicknamed after the fruit that brought you gravity; New York, New York,

And the state nicknamed after the one that looks like an ass, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Redneck preachers getting bit by poisonous snakes will get so common we don’t even bother to cover it in the headlines,
  • God will punish me for that time I had an abortion,
  • And Lucinda will join us to discuss Proverbs in this week’s Pope-rah’s Book Club

But first, the diatribe.



I’ve got an analogy for you.  Imagine you’ve got an aunt named Millie.  And you were close to her when you were a kid, but in the last decade you only ran into her once at a wedding or something.  And now imagine that Aunt Millie dies.

But your cousin Bob, who’s Millie’s only child, decides that he doesn’t want you to go through all the grief of losing your beloved aunt so he doesn’t tell you she died… ever.  In fact, he goes out of his way to mislead you.  He makes excuses for why she never shows up at family reunions, he tells you she doesn’t answer her phone any more because she’s convinced it’ll give her cancer, he sends you Christmas cards with her signature forged onto them.  All in an effort to keep you from grieving.

So the question is; is Bob doing you a favor?

Now before you answer, let me add another layer to it.  Imagine after a while the charade gets so wacky that you’re on the phone with Bob and you’re saying, “Wait a minute… she went back to pan more gold in Brazil even after the ocelot attack?” and it suddenly occurs to you that Bob might be full of shit.  So you start having doubts and you ask him point blank; “Is Aunt Millie dead?”.  But even then, he keeps lying to you.  Doesn’t matter how elaborate of half-ass his answers get, he keeps up the act.

So I’ll ask you again, is Bob doing you a favor?

And I’ll also interrupt you again before you have a chance to answer, because to be thorough, I need to add one more layer to the analogy.  Bob has to get something out of this for himself.  So now imagine that up until now, every year you’ve sent Aunt Millie a really nice present on her birthday and on Christmas; and Bob’s been selling the gifts on Ebay and pocketing the money.  He justifies it by telling himself that he works really hard to keep you from grieving and it’s a small price to ask for all his effort.

Now, I don’t need to ask you again because even before I started adding all the layers to it, you already knew that Bob was being an asshole… a well meaning asshole, maybe, but an asshole nonetheless.  It’s not for him to decide if you can handle Aunt Millie’s death.  He’s robbed you of your ability to grieve for her.  What’s worse, he’s taken away the quintessential reminder of the impermanence of the people we love.  What if knowing about Aunt Millie’s death would have driven you closer to Uncle Paul and Aunt Gretchen?  What if you’d have otherwise been inspired to start a charity in her name, or take care of her favorite dog… or live in the comfort of knowing she’ll never break into your house again and molest your ferret.  Whatever.  Doesn’t matter.

Look, if we want to spread atheism we need to confront the issue of death.  Not only do we need to confront it; we need to embrace it.  We need to fall in love with mortality and sell it.

Of course, if you have no interest in spreading atheism, feel free to disregard everything I’m saying.  You’re under no obligation to devangelize.  But if that’s your goal, you need to find ways to help people put away their immortal security blanket.  Because when we say, “Your religion is stupid”, what they hear is, “that hope that you’ll see your favorite dog and your grandma and the son you lost to leukemia is stupid.”

Now, I don’t think that means we should say their religion is stupid, because the idea that you’re gonna see your dog and your grandma and your kid is stupid, but we need to understand why so many people are so scared to agree.  One way we can do this is by pointing out that religion doesn’t actually help you grieve, but the other is to help people understand that mortality is a good thing.  It’s the greatest motivating factor on the planet.  It’s the only reason we sometimes have to forgive and to reconcile.

Obviously we can’t offer them eternal life in paradise with virgins and mansions and shit because we’re limited to the truth.  But it’s like Sam Harris says; when you learned that [spoiler alert] Santa Claus wasn’t real the truth that replaced it was nowhere near as fun, but at least there was a truth to replace it.  We can’t afford to avoid this topic.

Think about all the people that you love, that you plan on outliving.  And next time you say goodbye to them, remind yourself that this could be the last time.  And next time you say hello to them, treat them like they just returned from the dead.  That’s something you can only do if you let go of the afterlife; when we keep mortality in the front of our minds instead of burying it behind religions and superstitions and pithy bravado.  Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we all just admitted that we’re all going to die.



Joining me for headlines tonight is stickler with a smart phone, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to share your latest fact-bomb victory?

You must be referring to how I “Snopes-ed” the shit out of some guy at the bar the other day.  He was trying to impress this woman talking about being a scientist.  He used the general term “scientist”.  Already suspect.  

He’s a “Just Scientist?”  Really?  “Oh, I study sciencography… you know, the science of… things and stuff”

And, he bothered me earlier by ordering a drink using well above the 10-syllable max for dudes.  And then he mentioned he was a devout Christian, and loved how science coincides with the Bible.

You know, those rabbits and their cud

So I absolutely couldn’t let him go, when he started talking about “glass actually being a liquid, which they discovered by looking at the window panes at cathedrals, that were thicker on the bottom.”  No – it’s a solid.  it’s technically an “amorphous solid”, but you didn’t even know that, so it doesn’t count.  But it has a melting point, so it’s clearly not a liquid!!!    

But as if he wasn’t already wrong enough, the whole thing about the cathedral windows being thicker at the bottom is bullshit anyway.  So even if we grant him the bullshit on both sides of his bullshit equation, it’s still bullshit.

In our lead story tonight, from the “Shady Antebellum” file: Reginald Wayne Miller – president and founder of the totally-real-sounding Cathedral Bible College in South Carolina – was placed under house arrest, after receiving charges of felony-level ‘slavery and exploitation’.

I guess at a certain point you’ve really gotta do some crazy shit to stand out.  Reggie’s sitting around thinking, “fucking kids has been done to death… the Vatican has money laundering, the Pentecostals have snake felatio, the Muslims have throwing acid on innocent women… What about slavery?  Is anybody else doing slavery?”

Wow really???  Baby slavery’s taken?!?  What about regular slavery?  Yeah- Shotgun!!! Whip!!! … So Miller’s legal defense team plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify the slavery and exploitation.  The prosecution – on the other hand – plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify slavery and exploitation … So those clearly don’t count, right?!?

And here’s the most fucked up thing… if the allegations are true (and he’s white so they probably are) there wasn’t even an actual college.  He sets up this faux school for the express purpose of bringing exchange students over, putting them to work for between a buck fifteen an hour and nothing an hour, and revoked the student visas of the kids that complained.  And I only point this out because biblical apologists like seem to think there’s good slavery and bad slavery so you have to be specific about what kind of slavery you’re dealing with.  In this case; bad.

Now to the untrained South Carolina eye, Miller was simply running a legitimate indentured servitude Christian agri-business.  However, his 2006 charge of exposing himself to an undercover agent at a bath house doesn’t help bolster his “At least it wasn’t sexual slavery” defense.  “Human trafficking sex plantation?!?  Who’s talking about HTSP’s?!?  You brought that up!!!  You guys knew that acronym.”

South Carolina Bible College president placed under detention for slavery and exploitation:

And in “I’ll Render Unto Whoever I Want” news tonight, a federal judge in Kentucky has ordered the secular nonprofit American Atheists to go fuck themselves this week by dismissing a lawsuit that sought to hold the IRS accountable for its prejudicial policies regarding churches.  This is not a “tax the churches” suit; though I’d be behind it every bit as much if it was.  Rather, this suit challenges the preferential treatment and lack of transparency that the IRS exclusively affords to religious nonprofits.

Oh, right … The single most important political issue on the atheist platform!!!  The hole we could plug, and save billions in stolen tax revenue every year!!!  Are the employees of God really claiming they won’t take a pay cut?  Are they supposed to get paid?!?  

As is often the case in lawsuits like this, the question is one of standing: Is American Atheist harmed by this policy?  U.S. District Judge William O. Bertelsman says no, and in a remarkable display of cognitive dissonance he justifies it by pointing out that American Atheist might be able to gain classification as a religious organization.  <<So?>> Right!  That’s like dismissing a racial discrimination suit on the basis of the plaintiff being pretty light skinned for a black dude.

“Dude just lie about your heritage, and learn to (talk like this) … You’ll be fine.  Case dismissed.”

Further demonstrating their impressive “getting it” deficit; lawyers for the IRS pointed out that it couldn’t be a discriminatory policy because it was available to all people who are religious, regardless of their preferred space-dessert.

Federal judge dismisses atheist suit against IRS:

And in “The asshole doesn’t fall far from the tree” news, Senator Ted Cruz’s father, pastor Rafael Cruz – in his expert capacity as the sphincter tree in that analogy – was a featured Tea Note Speaker at a conservative political conference held by a certain society … I don’t believe I have to mention it’s name … I will anyway … It’s the “Family Research KKKouncil”.

Okay, so the dude who spawned self-identified “proud wacko bird” Ted “The UN is coming for the golf courses” Cruz, speaking to a group of bigots on behalf of a hate group?  I bet he said something poignant.  Was it poignant?

I do not think that word means … what you think it means.  Here’s Cruz the Elder’s inconceivably poignant thesis: Ever since we stopped forcing Christianity on public school students, it’s led to nothing but moral decay and teen pregnancy.  No question 1963 was a tough year for many white Christians in the South.  Bible study was out the door at public schools, and black people were in the door … Maybe not the same door, but baby steps.  

Who knows… in another hundred years, maybe they’ll even desegregate the churches.

Now the ensuing decade of moral decay must have been great … And I don’t doubt the teen pregnancy numbers were high … But the teen parent numbers must have levelled off after Roe v. Wade, just nine years later … So it’s all good.  We did that for you!!!  Irresponsible pregnant teens can get abortions now.  You’re welcome!!!

Yeah, there should really be a rule that you’re not allowed to be against both the problem and the solution.

Ted Cruz’s dad is also a dumbfuck:

And from the “Right Wing Hobby-Lobbyist” file, we’ve got a quick follow up to a news item we covered in episode 62 of this fine program.  As you may or may not recall, Hobby Lobby president Steve Green is peddling a bible curriculum for public schools which, despite being a bible curriculum for public schools has been adopted by the school district closest to his company’s headquarters.  They claim it’s a “bible as literature” course, and therefore legal, but those possessing cognition doubted that assertion.

I wouldn’t say the “as literature” part is the problem, although that’s ridiculous too, because it’s terrible literature.  But does it really matter if it’s “Bible as Literature”, or “Bible as a Treasure Map”, or “Bible as a Way to Win Friends and Influence People”???  

Well, look, maybe we should learn about the Bible in school… it’s important to our history, our literature, our culture… but among the extensive but far from exhaustive list of church/state violations the FFRF discovered in the textbook were things like chapter headings like “How do we know that the Bible’s historical narratives are reliable?”, claims that the bible created feminism, the inclusion of Christian apologetics around the nastier bits, the complete lack of recognition of non-Protestant Christianity, and a fundie-friendly rewriting of America’s founding.

Leading the Jehovah’s Witness a little bit there … “How do we know the Jews stopped beating their wives, only a few short centuries after they created feminism?”

Now, if you’re one of our many listeners that studies Oklahoma state regulations in their spare time, you may be wondering how the hell this curriculum is only now coming to light, despite the fact that it has already been adopted by a school board.  After all, by state law, all school board meetings must be open to the public.  Well, as it turns out, it only counts as a meeting if more than 50% of the school board is present, so on the advice of the morally upstanding Steve Green, they just split them into two groups when they discussed it.  Because as any orthodox Jew will tell you, god loves him some loopholes.

Follow up on Hobby Lobby Bible curriculum:

And in “Bible Belt Turniquet” news, after three recent heroin smuggling incidents at Daviess County Jail in Owensboro, Kentucky, Sheriff Keith Cain and Jailer David Osborne – not wanting to get their hands (and lower arms) dirty being thorough – opted instead for wishing the drug away really hard.  But this time, the wishing took place in a church … and this is a new strategy … so we’ll see what happens.

See, this is where Baptists just fails.  When you’ve got a problem with people hiding things in their ass, what you really need is a Catholic.

So ‘Prayer’ loses to everything in “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Prayer” … But even if these guys were doing this on their own time without technically wasting taxpayer money (and that’s not really true) … They certainly are selling Christianity pretty hard at their “Church and State Pen”, to a very captive audience.  And you probably don’t wanna give Bibles to convicts too much.

Yeah, cause they’ll hide their rock hammer in it.

500 yards of bullshit doesn’t compare though …  I’m reading it now, and the morality in the Old Testament so far is fucked up!!!  If anything, we should be forcing a peaceful religion on inmates, like what’s the opposite of Judaism? … Islam.

Christians solve heroin problem with prayer:

And in “Didn’t he used to run England?” news tonight, former celebrity Toni Braxton has scribbled a new autobiography, in which she explains that her son’s autism is almost certainly a punishment from god for having an abortion.  Strangely, she didn’t comment on what god was punishing her son for by giving him a mother that’s such a horrible bitch that she would publicly describe her child as retribution.

The dude you’re thinking of … who used to be King of England … Pretty sure that’s Margaret Thatcher.

I know it’s hard to believe that something so stupid could come from the inimitable wordsmith that penned such brilliant lyrics as “Oh baby, oh baby, I can hardly wait to see your face; Oh baby, oh baby, heartbreak is gonna be the case,” but she goes on to explain that her parent’s divorce and her own lupus diagnosis were also divine vengeance.

Divorce and lupus?!?  Really?!?  Do you hear that?  It’s the world’s shittiest violin, playing shitty, sad Toni Braxton music for shitty, sad Toni Braxton.  Birth a child that isn’t too logical to love you, and we’ll talk.  Oh, you can’t???

Braxton walked back the comments amid a firestorm of criticism, saying, (quote) “When my youngest son was diagnosed with autism I feared that I was being punished for my earlier actions.  I have since realized what a calloused scut that makes me look like,” (end quote)

Toni Braxton: My Autistic kid is punishment from god for having an abortion:

And finally tonight, Atheist rappers Greydon Square and Tombstone da Deadman will perform in concert on July 26 in Temple Hills, Maryland, staging the event in collaboration with Grand Unified – a science-spreading artist collective.

Seems like more of a “calendar” segment than a “headline” segment”.  Unless, of course…

Well that is pretty much the whole story, so I could vamp for 30 seconds … And that could go downhill really quick … Or instead, we could spend that same amount of time listing “Ideas for Atheist and Religious Music Festivals” … GO!!!

Oh good… I was afraid you were gonna say “Rappers” and I’d have to reveal just how white I was.  How about the “Apostate Fair”?

I’ll start by cheating.  Had these already.  These are my personal hypothetical atheist rapper aliases: Notorious BIG Bang and Scientific Method Man

Maybe a Buddhist fest called “Nirvana-roo”…

Lots of big, naked, buddhists with eightfold paths, listening to KoAni DiFrancoFree Tibetter Than Ezra


All-4-One With Everything?

Maybe William Lane Craig could have an Apologetics Festival and call it “South by Northwest”

I heard Fitty Shekels and Kanye West Bank were gonna be at “Gathering of the Tribes” … Jewish …

Fitty Shekels… love it.  “Oy vey can you see?”  Anyway, how about the “Warped Logic Tour”?

What about a Puritan music fest? … Burning Woman at the Stake

“We wanted to see Motley Crucifix, but we ended up getting stuck with a set of Three Nine Inch Nails.”

Or Ray Comfort could host a creationism one; “Bananaroo”.

Phil Collins and the … I Can’t Dancers in Genesis ???

Or maybe… and we should maybe actually do this one… a festival to raise money for secular education for women in Muslim countries called, “Malala-palooza?”

Gotta assume there’s already some kind of shitty lute fest and humus mash-off called “Halal-apalooza”.

I thought there was no true festival but “Allah”-palooza.

And despite being completely irrelevant now, I’m sure they’ll bring up “Benghazi Ozbourne” …

Maybe the Arab gangsta rap giants “Sand NWA” …

By the way ladies, be careful to avoid the acid at Allah-palooza.

Atheist Rapper Concert:

Alright, well now that we can be sure we’ve offended everyone, I think we can close out headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll learn that after Psalms, we can take just about anything.



Babble – Proverbs

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a “proverb” as “a brief, popular saying that gives advice about how people should live”, but the biblical definition is more like a “statement of indeterminate length that expresses a notion that is either common-sense, true by merit of definition, or painfully, ridiculously wrong.”  Chocked full of important nuggets like, “The clever do things intelligently, while the fool displays folly”, Proverbs does distinguish itself for being, at best, the least horrible book in the bible so far.

And it’s basically a lucky famous person giving stupid advice, because he confused covariance and causality.  It’s King Solomon explaining how if we all heed the lord’s wisdom, then everyone will become the extremely wealthy King of Israel, just like him.  See – it works!!!

So joining us to discuss a book that spends about 8% of its words warning us about the dangers of listening to women is a woman.  Specifically, my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

I am woman, hear me roar!

So despite being recently told by an inerrant book that the true purpose of a wife is to make sure that I (quote) “let your breasts satisfy me at all times” (end quote), we’re gonna talk about the bible instead.  You mind starting us off?

  • At first I was thinking to myself, “Who named this book?  Alanis Morissette?  Aren’t proverbs supposed to be short?”
    • Right and instead we get unnecessarily long restatements of the same thing over and over again.  They’re more like… con-verbs, or whatever.
  • So these are ancient words of wisdom, and the very first one basically says: “If a bunch of dudes invite you to go ambush and murder some innocent people with them … Don’t do that.”  So right off the bat, Solomon really drops some insight on us.      
  • And even when you shave it down to a pithy sentence, it’s still bad advice.  Chapter two, for example, tells us that as long as we fear god and seek wisdom <<which are mutually exclusive goals>> we’ll never have to worry about having raunchy, sinful naked time.
  • And chapter three teaches us that the true goals of wisdom should be living a really long time and getting rich.
  • “Lean not on your own understanding, do not be wise in your own eyes, and pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”  So basically, don’t let judgment cloud your …  judgment.
  • Yeah, something of a pattern emerges right away.  About 90% of the proverb is reminding you to pay attention to this proverb because it’s really, really important, and the other 10% vaguely tells you not to be wicked… without really defining wicked.
    • Right.  It’s like the verbose Leviticus.
  • I don’t know, though, chapter five is pretty on message.  It says, “beware vaginas”.
    • But it also expressly endorses titty-fucking.
  • As long as you “push in” at the last second.
  • And I want to point out that whoever wrote chapter six was very familiar with the price of a hooker.  
    • Yeah, and it was only a loaf of bread back then, so I guess the ancient world wasn’t all bad.
  • These days, with Atkins, it’s a meatloaf.  Also in this chapter: (quote) “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him” (end quote) … Weird fucking way to present a list of 7 things … Anyway, most of them are pretty bad things like spilling innocent blook, lying, scheming, etcetera.  But one of them … One of the seven things God could is capable of hating … is “haughty eyes”.
  • This book is so obsessed with who you do and don’t fuck that through the first seven chapters it reads like the dorky guy who’s trying to explain why he never gets laid, “Well, yeah, there were a bunch of hotties down at the square begging me to fuck ‘em again tonight… you know, they’re all ‘I perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloe and cinammon; come let us take our fill of love until morning’… but I stayed righteous.”
  • I fucked this girl from Moab at camp last summer.  You wouldn’t know her.  She lives a few tribes over.  
  • Then in chapter eight we meet god’s wife, I think.
  • And apparently she has a nice house and she invites stupid people in.
  • And then finally, after nine chapters of, “I swear I’m really smart and you should listen to me” bullshit, we get some actual proverbs.
    • And apparently god sucks at proverbs.  I mean, George Lucas wrote better wisdom than this.  Couldn’t the guy that made Confucius come up with a few that would stick?
  • There’s no puns, no rhymes, no wordplay of any kind.  It’s a long, terrible, completley unclever version of Animaniacs’ “Good Idea, Bad Idea” segment …  “Good Idea: Don’t be a mocker.  Bad Idea: Mock.”  Unforgettably eloquent stuff like that.
  • Right.  Chapter Eleven has 31 proverbs and they’re all variations on “Being righteous is preferable to being wicked.”  Really?  You’re divinely instructing your people and that’s all you bring?
  • Yeah, you even get tautological shit like Chapter 12, verse 5 “The thoughts of the righteous are just; the advice of the wicked is treacherous.”  So… evil people are evil.  Thanks for clearing that up.  No room for oral hygiene in this book, but we cleared up the whole, ‘are evil people evil?’ question.
  • Thirteen has some really good advice on beating your children…
  • Yeah, the advice is: “Beat your children with a rod.”
    • Yeah, but just in case you didn’t get it then, they restate the pro-child beating case in chapters 19, 22, 23 and 29.
    • And also there’s some good slave-beating advice in chapter 29.
  • Perhaps my favorite, though, is 14:20 which states… (I shit you not) “The poor are disliked, even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.”  That’s the whole thing.  Be rich and people will like you more.
  • Seems to be working for the Jews quite nicely ever since.  Who doesn’t like the Jews?  They’ve got all that gold.  
  • And a lot of focus on the “wise people are smart, fools are stupid” proverb.  It’s restated maybe 50 times in the first fifteen chapters.
  • Yeah, I’m willing to say that the tales of Solomon’s wisdom were greatly exaggerated.
    • Well, he was the king… so who’s gonna argue.  “Split a baby in half?  That’s a great idea, your highness.”  I picture him gorging on a turkey leg and a virgin, yelling, “Scribe!  I have another one of those smart thingies for you.  ‘Sometimes there is a way that seems to be right… but… um… in the end it is the way to death.’  Write that down.  And put a little skull next to ‘death’… or no, make that the E in death… a little skull.”
  • And he continues to be the inept minstrel that keeps missing the rhyme.  “Good is good, and bad is bad.  Evil stuff makes God real … pissed- SHIT!!!  I suck at this!!! I’m such and idiot!!!”
  • In seventeen we learn that it’s immoral to flog people for having integrity and we also learn that people in general should shut the fuck up.
  • Apparently living alone is wicked, by the way.  Never realized that, but it is.
  • Every morning, I take a naked shit, with the door open, while drinking milk from the carton … Then it gets ugly.  Didn’t have a google suggestion this week.  Figured I’d just leave you with that image.
  • Here and there there’s a weird one and a couple of times you get actual good advice, but most of them fall into one of three themes: Sit down and shut up; Stupid people are even worse than poor people; and evilness is evil.
    • A lot of “god will fuck your shit up”, too.
  • And since these are all attributed to kings, there’s also a lot of, “How awesome are kings?” ones too.
  • We also learn repeatedly that lying is bad.
  • It’s so boring, in fact, that if you’re not careful, you’ll miss the good blow job jokes.  For instance, after the enigmatic proverb that tells us that lazy people say that the streets are filled with random lions, we get this gem,  Chapter 22, verse 14 “The mouth of a loose woman is a deep pit.”
  • Or a shallow pit, but it’s really wide.  I don’t judge.  They also mention that you’re not supposed to fuck with the property lines by moving ancient boundary stones.  “Maybe I wasn’t clear earlier.  I’m God … And I’m giving all the oil to the Jews …  So it’s very important that they get to keep all this shitty-seeming dessert land, that I’ve marked off here.”
  • And then we’re back to stupid shit like warnings that stingy people’s bread will make you puke and kids who don’t get beaten regularly will burn in hell.
    • It also says that prostitutes are deep pits and adultresses are narrow wells, so apparently they’re saying if you’re gonna fuck around, try to get the tighter vagina of an adulteress before settling for a hooker.
  • And in twenty four… or actually about halfway through chapter twenty three, we made a hard left out of the realm of pithy and onto just somebody saying something.
  • Oh, and by the way, and apparently this is important, when you start eating honey, stop before you vomit.
  • If you vomit, or hit the East River, you’ve gone too far.  That’s helpful.
    • Good thing god was around to inspire Solomon to tell Hezekiah to write this shit down.
  • By chapter twenty six they’ve entirely run out of shit to say and start repeating earlier proverbs verbatim.
    • Yeah, but if I’m not mistaken, chapter twenty six also has the bible’s first reference to dog vomit… so there’s some new shit sprinkled in there as well.
  • And it’s such a weird mix of shit.  Like in twenty seven we get a bit of generally good advice about not being a dick to your friends and then we close off with god telling you not to worry about the goat’s milk, because he’s got that covered.
  • And even the stuff that sounds wise isn’t.  Like 28:1, “The wicked flee when no one pursueth…” right, but they also flee when people do pursueth.  Because if they weren’t fleeing, you couldn’t exactly pursue them.  You’d just walk over there or something.
  • And righteous pitchfork mobs don’t just “walk over there”.  So correctly anticipating a lynch mob attack and going somewhere else, is evil???
  • And sometimes it seems like they don’t understand that the two clauses in a proverb should be at least tangentially related.  In 29:3, for example; “A child who loves wisdom makes a parent glad, but to keep company with prostitutes is to squander one’s substance.”  Fucking what!?  We go from making our parents proud to not wasting perfectly good semen in prostitutes?
  • If you’re not getting A’s in school, you might as well be coming on a hooker’s back.  Useful, everyday, false duality to guide your study habits and sperm targeting behavior.
  • In 30 we learn that if you disobey your parents, vultures will eat your brains.
    • In the King James it’s ravens plucking out your eyes and feeding them to eagles.
  • And then after they finished the whole book, King Lemuel shows up with a poem that his mom wrote and said, “I want this one to be in the book, too.”
    • And the whole thing is a ridiculous stereotype of Jewish moms.  It starts off with her saying, “Don’t drink too much”, moves on to her asking when he’s gonna find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with and then ends by telling him how awesome he is.

And then it mercifully ends a hundred and nineteen chapters earlier than Psalms did.  And while it seems more like something that belongs in a book of wisdom, it did leave me wishing god would go ahead and genocide somebody again or something.  This book is getting boring even for this book.

I’d just like to point out that this book ends with an Epilogue about a wife of noble character… which is basically a list of shit she has to do with a smile on her face.  She may not be charming and she may not be pretty but if she fears the lord you should praise her…. because apparently fear will make her get shit done.

So that does it for the Babble.  We’ll be back in three weeks with Ecclesiastes, which I hear is by far the least bad book in the Bible, so that one might be harder to make fun of, but we’ll make due, I’m sure.



Before we reach for the washcloth tonight, I wanted to congratulate a friend of mine on a pretty significant milestone.  Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast is about to record his 100th episode.  Among his many podcasting accolades is the fact that he was the first person to ever interview Heath and me about this show.  So huge congrats to him on number one hundred, which I recommend you download and listen to when it’s available and not just because he invited us back on to temporarily join in the festivities.

And speaking of shows that I’ll be on soon that you should be listening to even when I’m not on them, rumor has it that I’ll also be joining Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show this week, should be available over the weekend.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with the incomparable Eli Bosnick to discuss the new film “Heaven is For Real” so be sure to have your popcorn ready for that one.  Until then, you can keep up with us on the blog, on Facebook, on Twitter and on Google Plus.

I need to thank Heath once more for always having 190 seconds to spare for a segment called “30 seconds on the clock”; I need to thank Lucinda for powering through books of the bible post-op; and, of course, I need to thank Shawn from Alberta for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and Ukulele solo.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most bestest people in the whole wide world; David, Wally, Greg, Steve, Colin, Laura, Goran, Troy, Jeff with a “J”, SharpestOne, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”.  David, Wally and Greg, whose cocks are available by prescription only in the state of Georgia; Steve, Colin and Laura, who are so intelligent that the next incarnation of personal communication devices might be referred to as “Steve, Colin and Laura”-phones; Goran, Troy and Jeff with a “J”, who are so legendary they named a planet, an ancient empire and a Lebowski after them, respectively; and Sharpest One, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”, who intergalactically notorious ninjutsu solves the Fermi Paradox.

These twelve paradisaic paragons have helped us paralyze a few more paragraph of paranoid parables from parasitic paranormalists this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the altruism, benevolence and discretionary income needed to give us money, but if you’d like to join the ranks of our financial supporters, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help, but you only like us as a friend, you can also help us a ton by giving us a sterling review on iTunes, Stitcher or the nearest church’s bulletin board.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode except Shawn’s ukulele bit was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 66 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints)

Link to Episode




Warning: These guys use the F word like motherfuckers.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new walk-in circumcision service, Adjust the Tip.

Are you planning to celebrate the birth of your infant son by mutilating his genitals, but you don’t want to get blood and herpes all over your living room?  Wouldn’t you be more comfortable bringing your child to a Rabbi’s house, that has a dungeon for that specific purpose?  Then come on down to Adjust the Tip: Adjust for a second … Adjust to see how it feels.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s May 22nd,

And according to our sources: Tucan Sam leaps on the back of the wind.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from the unofficial capital of the world, New York, New York…

And home of the world’s second largest kumquat, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Sudan decides to murder a hostage in response to “Draw Mohammed Day”;
  • We’ll learn the dil-dos and dildon’ts of life in rural Georgia;
  • And an autistic kid is back on the subway posters. Could this be the work of the Rain Man Maker?

But first, the diatribe.



So it’s Sunday afternoon and it’s gorgeous outside and I hadn’t settled on what to do this week’s diatribe about yet, so when I wandered out of the store and saw the little church group set up in the parking lot, I said, “what the hell?” and I mosied over.  Three women and an old man, all wearing matching teal shirts with something about Jesus on the breast of them.  And they had a little sign that said, “Do you have questions?  Let us help you find the answer in Christ,” so technically, they were asking for it.

Cause I do have questions.  I wasn’t going over there to fuck with them… or, more accurately, I wasn’t just going over there to fuck with them.  I really do have questions.  I didn’t grow up in a particularly religious household so there’s fundamental shit about the Christian doctrine that makes no sense to me at all.

So I smiled and said hi.  And I told them in advance that I was an atheist.  I even warned them that I wasn’t looking for a religion or anything, but I did have a lot of questions about the tenets of Christianity.  And three of them smiled and the other lady went to get a Coke.  And bifocal lady was really nice at first and she said, “We’ll answer you if we can.”

So I lead off with what I considered a softball.  I asked them, “What does it mean that Jesus died for my sins?”

She launches into the whole original sin thing and tells me about how we’re all born with sin and we all fall short, but lucky for us god made the ultimate sacrifice and sent his only begotten son to die for us so that we could be redeemed.

And I agreed that yes, those were all words and all, but they didn’t really answer my question.  And while we’re on the subject, how, exactly, is god making a sacrifice here?  He lives in Heaven.  When Jesus died, he ascended to god’s house.  So… where’s the sacrifice?  It’s like Jesus was active duty.

But she wasn’t quite tangled in her theological web yet so she kept weaving.  See, Jesus was god and all the suffering he went through on the cross was actually god suffering.  So not only did he have to let his kid go to camp for a really long time, but he also had to be brutally murdered.  Ergo, ultimate suffering.

So I reminded her that murder doesn’t really count if you get to come back to life three days later so at best, he was brutally tortured. But even if we call it murder, it’s not like Jesus’s crucifixion makes the top billion of the worst suffering of all time, does it?  If you gave me the choice between being crucified or dying of pancreatic cancer I’d bring my own nails.  And I that’s even if I don’t get to rise again at the head of a zombie army after three days.  So what’s so ultimate about Jesus’s suffering?  Fuck, Caligula used to have people executed by having them cut a thousand times over several days.  Nero used to crucify people and set them on fire.  So Jesus’s suffering wasn’t even all that bad compared to what Romans were doing around that time.

And really, when you consider that he didn’t actually die, his suffering is basically on par with an elbow tattoo.  I’d argue that Jesus suffered significantly less than, say, that dude in Iowa that had the hiccups for sixty years.  And nobody goes around saying “Charles Osborne hiccuped for your sins” or anything.

And how does one guy suffering abdicate another guy from responsibilities for his sins?  And just who set up all this “humanity redeeming” red tape that god had to navigate?  And if the sins are preloaded software, what’s god so pissed about?  Didn’t he write the software?  Does this even make any sense to the people selling it?

But, of course, I never made it that far into my questions.  At a certain point the old guy cut bifocal lady off and explained at a certain point you have to set your questions aside and just have faith.  At which point I reminded them that their sign specifically asked for questions.  And then he politely asked me to leave.  And then he impolitely asked me to leave.  And then he told me I was going to burn in hell if I didn’t change my evil ways.

So asked for one parting question, and he granted it.  I said, “If you’re not allowed to ask these questions, how do you know you have the right religion.”  He didn’t answer.  But that’s okay… it was rhetorical anyway.



Joining me for headlines tonight is atheism’s most eligible bachelor, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to woo the lovely ladies out there?

I’m just looking for a girl who appreciates both abortion jokes, and abortion (pause) the procedure … Not her, though.  I mean, like … poor people, in general.

In our lead story tonight everyone who keeps saying there’s nothing wrong with Islam needs to shut the fuck up already.  This story comes to us from a nation that’s been in a steady decline since the Canaanites were running the show, Sudan; where a recent court ruling sentenced a pregnant woman to death for the charge of switching allegiance to the wrong hypothetical celestial dictator.

What kind of sentence did the fetus get? … Besides “Lifetime Semi-Orphan”?  While the court decides this stuff, we’ve got this cool “Schroedinger’s Pussy Cat” thing going on in her box.

Wow… a quantum abortion joke with multiple vaginal puns.  That’s, like, eighteen points.  Well played, sir.  Anyway, Meriem Ibrahim was convicted of marrying a Christian man despite being preordained a Muslim at birth, but as a show of civility, they’re going to let her have the baby before they hang her… and in a show of barbarism, they’re also gonna flog her 100 times for fucking her husband first.

Ok good – I was wondering if they were going to address that.  But if you believe she’s going to hell, you don’t give her floggings before a death sentence … That’s a reward, idiots!!!

When you see articles on this story a lot of them get hung up on whether she should really be considered a Muslim at all since she was raised by her single Christian mother, despite the state’s patriarchal system of religious affiliation.  But I don’t want to discuss any of that because it detracts from the only thing that should matter about this story, which is that somebody’s going to die because Allah is as fragile as a fourteen year old when it comes to getting dumped.

Pregnant Sudanese woman sentenced to death for apostasy:

And in “Montana has 2 Senators that are Democrats?” news … Yes it does, and unfortunately the state will continue having 2 such extremely powerful seats, despite Republican Steve Daines, and his sudden ascendance to landslide favorite status against incumbent John Walsh, after said challenger talked six people into voting for him at the Walmart.  And if it was just the Republican thing, that would be fine … I’m a de facto racist too … But this guy is on record preaching for creationism in public schools.

And that’s the problem with letting Montana have senators.  No offense, Montana, but the fucking Bronx doesn’t have two senators and they’ve got more humans than you.

Here’s what Daines had to say during a 2012 interview on Montana Public Radio: (quote) “I think we should […] teach students that there are evolutionary theories, there’s intelligent-design theories, and allow the students to make up their minds.” (end quote) … Evolution and Genesis  aren’t two sides of an argument.  One is a proven narrative of biology on Earth.  The other is a very specific baseless claim about metaphysical origins of existence.  It’s like comparing apples and oranges … to decide which one is better food for unicorns.

But it’s actually worse than that.  It’s like deciding whether you should feed your kids apples or oranges… or unicorns.

Daines added, (quote) “Personally I’d like to teach my kids both sides of the equation there and let them come up to their own conclusion on it.” (end quote) … Now I’m not sure if he subscribes to “Math Theory”, but he just put two completely different things on either side of an equals sign, and wants kids to impossibly choose the better side, using historical calculus or something.

“And I’d also like to teach them about proper genital hygiene and teach them to bleach their dicks every night and let ‘em figure out for themselves…”

As I understand it, some of them eventually learn to clean up after they jerk off.

Montana still allowed to have Senators:

And in “What about the eight commandments I didn’t break?” news tonight, a recent survey adds an exponent to Christian hypocrisy by demonstrating that, to a large extent, Christians are even full of shit about being full of shit.  The study, cleverly titled “I Know What You Did Last Sunday” asked two groups of Americans about their church attendance; one through an online survey and the other over the phone.  And as it turns out, the easier you make it to lie, the higher their self-reporting of church attendance rose.

So they’re also clearly lying about really believing in God.  Or they do believe in God, but they’re so fucking stupid that a temperamental, omnipotent hell-banisher doesn’t scare them enough to tell the truth about stuff.

Of course, we’ve long known that religious people tend to exaggerate their piety on surveys, but these researchers found a clever way to demonstrate this fact.  People are much better at lying when they don’t have to do it to a person.  And the results are unmistakable: the online group reported regular church attendance almost 50% more than the phone survey.

This is just some anonymous survey … They don’t even have anything to gain by lying.  They’re not even good at being bad Christians!!!  If you’re gonna sin and let Jesus retroactively die for it, at least get some bang for your buck.

The survey broke the numbers down by denomination and it turned out that Catholics were slightly more full of shit than protestants, though to their credit, Catholic services are both more boring and more likely to end in anal rape, so who can blame them?

Study shows Americans lie about church attendance:

And in “Bring out your dead!” news, the Amish – and their refusal to follow basic personal and public health procedures – are behind a measles and mumps revival in Ohio.  Considering the group appears to live in 14th-century Europe, plague isn’t far behind.  Unvaccinated missionaries contracted the diseases while passing out “books to read while dying” in places like the Phillipines, which aren’t lucky enough to have entirely cured those yet, like we have here …

I know this is off subject and all… but how the fuck did Amish people they get to the Philippines?  Did they caulk the wagons?  Wire together half a port-o-potty, some sticks and an anthropomorphized volley ball?  Anyway, you were saying… fully preventable outbreak of potentially fatal disease caused by intentionally antiquated doctrine?

Let’s put this particular instance of mass stupidity in perspective … According to the Center for Disease Control: (quote) “Before the measles vaccine became available in 1963, the virus infected about 500,000 Americans a year, causing 500 deaths and 48,000 hospitalizations.” (end quote) … Now that ‘half a million’ number is down to well under 300 cases per year.  But it only works if people take the fucking panacea!!!  Why is that hard to sell?

It’s like a genie asking if you’re sure you don’t want to go for more wishes.  “No, I’m happy with thisy-here eight slice toaster and the new spark plugs for my ridin’ mower.”

I’m curious about one particular facet of this story … What do Amish missionaries do?  What hermetically isolated aboriginal tribe is begging to learn the miracles of their fancy linkin’ log technology? … They’d show up, and have African kids teaching them how to use soap, and dial-up.  Mormons should be visiting the Amish … teaching them to build modern reclusive inbred compounds.

Ohio measles outbreak blamed on Amish missionaries:

And in “But who will feed the chupacabras?” news tonight, it appears the Vatican has already solved all its real problems and can now move on to addressing imaginary ones.  Sources that have websites that look for real and shit report a sharp increase in the training and certification of Catholic exorcists.  The Vatican explains that this is in response to an equivalent rise in demonic possessions.  So despite the nonexistent nature of demonic possession and the ubiquitous knowledge of mental diseases, they’ve elected to stick to the throwing water and chanting school of human psychology.

And the Vatican also noted that “Impostor Exorcists” were becoming a big problem … “Bunch of charlatans who never completed the Vatican’s rigorous exorcism safety course.  We’re trying to sell Sky Cake over here, and these assholes start popping up out of nowhere with unlicensed Sky Baklava!!!  This is bullshit!!!”

The Vatican blames this rise in nonexistent things on another rise in nonexistent things called “the dark arts” that include a mixture of things that do and don’t exist, including black magic, Satanic sacrifices and Ouija boards.  So, yes, according to one of the wealthiest and most influential institutions on earth, Milton Bradley is casting demons.

Good, this exorcist army should work out just fine.  We’ll get a bunch of priests running around the woods at night, tackling groups of 10-year-olds, just about to spell a word with vector addition.  What could go wrong?

Earlier in the year a Catholic exorcist explained the desperate need for more water throwing medicine-chanters by stating that he’d personally assisted in at least 160,000 exorcisms in his career, which basically means one every hour and twenty-eight minutes of his waking life.  So apparently they get their understanding of math and neurology from the same century.

Vatican to churn out more exorcists due to rise in demonic possession:

And from the “Secular Healing” file, Melissa Davenport – of Sandy Springs, Georgia – filed suit against the city for enforcing a church-state entanglement law that prohibits the purchase of sex toys without a medical prescription.  In my script it says “(insert dildo … joke here)”, so I’ll let you handle that, while I go ahead and get the clock warmed up …

That would be easier if you hadn’t paused so long between dildo and joke.  Hold on a second…

Davenport suffers from MS, and sex toys allow her to enjoy naked time despite nerve damage.  Despite this obviously counting as an exception to their stupid rule, many Georgian lawmakers – still clinging to the very creepy “Vaginal Paternalism” doctrine – figure she probably just has Pre-MS … Their reasoning goes something like this: “Whether or not God decided to kill her axons and dendrites, and whether or not the clit’s real, he made her a woman, so he clearly didn’t intend for her to cum.”

Dude walks into a store going, “I need a ball gag… I brought a note from my dentist…” Cops breaking down doors… “Do you have a license for that showerhead, ma’am?”  This fucking state… Where’s William Tecumseh Sherman when you need him?

I’m confused though … Do you need a doctor’s note to buy a banana, or several large grapes and a string??? … “I’m sorry ma’am, your insurance covers these gerkins, but the cucumbers are considered elective.  I think you need to check your dill-dosage again.” … OK no segue needed … 30 seconds on the clock … “Ideas for the Medicinal Sex Shop” … GO!!!

Alright.., quick visit to the RXXX shop… I guess “Prickorette Phallic Cessation Device” is too easy, huh?

The oral fixation is the hardest part – cigarettes or pole, I assume … Ok, what about …

The Strap-Oncology Ward: “Our Ream-O-Therapy leads to Spray-diation, or your money back.”

How about some kind of blood pressure cuff (slash) penis pump… Engorged with blood-pressure cuff, I guess?

That’s what those things at Duane Reade are for.  Makes a lot more sense.  We’re getting off track.  This is serious!  Medical Dildo Store!  Focus! … H2O-Face: Colon Hyrdrotherapy Kits

Pepcid AC/DC.  It would be… I don’t know, like a lubicidal antacid or something.

The Happy Rear-Ending Personal Massager

How about something for ejaculatory incontinence?  A French Trickler of some sort.

“Semi-Colon Tool Softener” … For that gay erection that lasts more than 4 hours.

Did you just say, “gay erection”?  They have different erections?  Those lucky bastards.  Anyway, how about “Per-vert Devil Anal Hamster-Vacs”?

6 Million Dollar Manhood: Prosthetic Third Legs … Better, Longer, Slower

Golden shower curtains?  They probably have a whole aisle for anti-piss-tamines.

The new analgesic anti-inflammatory suppository: “Benadryled in the Aspirin”

Yeah, but at KY Mart all the suppositories are ribbed.  Um… Bausch and Come spermicidal eye drops.

“The Phallus Chalice Buyers Club” … And yes, that breaks the ice on AIDS jokes, in case you were being a gentleman.

Let’s face it, if I was gentleman I wouldn’t know about the spermicidal eye drops.  How about Spermometer brand vibrating rectal thermometers?

The DVDAids Cocktail: By Magic Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson

Woman sues Georgia town over “Dildo by prescription only” law:

And finally tonight, in “Patriarching Ropes of Jism” news, a seventeen year old attendee at a homeschool prom in Richmond, Virginia was kicked out of the dance last week because she was wearing a prom dress.  The alleged immoderate temptress was told that her dress, while meeting the prom’s guidelines for length, was none the less giving some of the boys (quote) “impure thoughts”.  The organizers said they’d explored some other methods of keeping the boys at the prom from having impure thoughts, including anesthetics and murdering them, but ultimately landed on kicking the hot chicks out.

Yeah it’s the dress that’s the problem … “That dress may go down to her ankles, but I’d still put my needle in her fabric.” … 17-year-old home-schooled boys could see a girl in sweatpants and t-shirt – covered in vomit – and they’ll be glad they aren’t in sweatpants too.  

In a guest post on her sister’s blog titled “Fuck the Patriarchy”, Clare pointed out that if she’s being ogled by a bunch of grown men because her legs are showing, it should really be the responsibility of the grown men to get the fuck out.  Fucking perverts.  Look, I saw the pictures on her website.  She’s underage.  Two and a half months from now it would be perfectly okay to beat off of a video of her pissing on a midget, but until then, it’s perverse.

But if the person masturbating is under 17, and the midget is under 17 (do they live much longer than that anyway?), it should be all good … As important as it is for “audience building” to discuss the gray area related to the Legal Lolita Line … interrupt me whenever you- …

17 year old girl kicked out of home school prom for wearing a prom dress:

And that’ll bring the headlines to a screeching halt for this week.  Heath, thanks as always.


And when we come back, Lucinda will be here to make jokes about assplay.



In 2014 alone, god will murder 24,000 people with fully preventable bolts of lightning.

He’ll kill another 10,000 by causing the earth to tremble with his rage.

In the time it takes you to listen to this episode, he’ll have starved four hundred and thirty eight children to death.

…unless you listen to us on “fast”, in which case he save-killed only, like three fifty, but still …

In fact, this year alone, god will kill 350 Americans by drowning them in their own toilets.

…but most of them are toddlers, so it’s not actually that funny.

In fact, God is the number one, two, three and four killer in the world right now.  And nobody’s fighting back.

…Until now.

We at the Scathing Atheist are committed to bringing this sadistic war criminal to justice.

We’ll stop at nothing to hold god accountable or, failing that, we’ll make jokes about how small his penis is.

…and it must be pretty small if he’s that worried about us praising him all the time.

God and his earthly minions have billions of dollars and billions of adherents on their side.  And all we’ve got is a bit of Laphroaig-inspired scatology.

And you can help!

That’s right.  By going to Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, you can make a per episode donation that helps us take the fight to Jesus.

That’s right.  For one dollar an episode you’ll get longer episodes, you’ll get them before everyone else and we’ll promise to kick god in the nuts in your name if we ever happen across him.

“That’s from Jerry in Astoria, bitch!!!”  But for two dollars an episode you’ll get all that stuff, plus a free digital copy of our new book, Diatribes: Volume One, 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope

…and we’ll hammer another nail into Jesus if he ever returns to earth.

That’s also right.  But for five dollars an episode, you’ll get all that stuff, plus an autographed paperback copy of that very same book, which you’ll also have a digital copy of.

That continues to be right.  And for just ten dollars an episode we’ll pretty much do anything you want except butt stuff.

That’s not exactly right, but we’ll roll with it anyway.

So “yes” on the butt stuff?  We’ll pitch.  Tell your wealthy atheist catcher friends.

So remember, Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist.  Because god is a dick.


Poem – Psalms

At first I was at a loss for what to do for the Psalms poem.  I mean, there’s no story or anything to work with, so how was I gonna write a poem about a bunch of crappy poems?  So I decided to go with sort of a meta-Psalm.  I shot for one poem that would hit on all the major topics of the various Psalms, distilling the essence of 150 shitty poems into one that actually rhymes.  So without further ado; Psalms… in rhyme.


Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god; and a god to be adored

Your ways, Yahweh, I’d say that they; betray a gracious lord.

Just look at all the gifts you gift upon your loving flock;

You’re strong and wise and clever, and you’ve got a massive cock.

Your brilliance can’t be measured, by we mere mortal men;

So when you do stuff that seems dumb to us, we must not comprehend.

Your mercy is unmeasurable, except when you get pissed,

And woe to those who anger you, as you’ll fill their assholes with your fist.


Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god; and a god to be revered.

You’re filled with clemency and love, and thus you should be feared.

So thank you god, for though you could, you haven’t struck me down.

You haven’t boiled or sauteed me, or let my children drown.

You could have ripped my eyeballs out, and filled my skull with bees.

You could have filled my face with boils, ‘til it looked like cottage cheese.

You could have lopped my testes off, with a rusty bastard sword,

You could have filled my throat with glass, but you didn’t.  Thank you, lord!


Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god, and a mighty god indeed,

So when my foes rise up against me, please make those fuckers bleed.

Please burn their homes to ashes, and rape their kids and wives,

And strike them with big anal warts, that itch throughout their lives.

Give them blistering urethras, then turn their piss to viscous slime;

And when the burning vesicles explode, please add a twist of lime.

Please smite them and their children, with some cancerous disease.

After all you’re so forgiving, so you’ll forgive yourself with ease.


Oh god, my god, dear god, you’re god, and god dammit, you’re the shit.

I don’t mean to be a fanboy, here; but you wrote the holy writ.

And in the book you wrote we learn, that you’re the best thing that exists.

And I think I see a tiny spot; of your ass that’s not been kissed.

So let me tell you once again about how impressed we are down here.

And we forgive you for the debacle of a world you’ve engineered.

Your great and good and wonderful, and to you, I tip my hat.

For though you are omniscient, you need me to tell you that.


Bible Story

“Run gather up the young ‘uns folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons Bible Stories for Kids.”

Gather round boys and girls.  Today we’re going to open up our bibles to Esther and learn about one of the bible’s lesser known sadistic bitches.  Now, Esther was born into a Jewish family at a time when it wasn’t very fun to be a Jew… which is most of the time, historically speaking.

She was raised by her cousin, Mordecai, and looked forward to a life of dejected servitude until one day she got her big break.  The king of the whole land of Persia decided that he wanted to have sex with her.  So he took her for his harem.

Now, a harem is a big group of women that only the king was allowed to fuck.  And every night the women would take turns riding the royal cock, sometimes two or three of them at a time.  So Esther patiently waited her turn to wow the king with her sexual acrobatics.  You see, boys and girls, all the harem girls knew how to work the shaft and some of them knew how to work the balls, but only Esther knew how to get the prostate involved.

So one night the king called for her, and she fucked him every way but sideways.  And he was so impressed he made her the queen.  He still kept all the harem girls and boned them on the side, but of all the women he was having sex with, she was his favorite.

And she was happy with this arrangement because it sucked less than being a slave, and she didn’t want to risk her new sugar daddy by telling him she was a Jew, so she didn’t.

But while she was teaching the king about joys of having his salad tossed, some other people were plotting against him.  But luckily, Esther’s cousin Mordecai heard about the plot and warned the king, who then had all the people who were going to overthrow him brutally executed before throngs of jubilant masses.


And everybody was happy except for one brutish anti-semite named Haman.  He was a very successful soldier and had a lot of money and a nice house, but he couldn’t enjoy any of it because he really, really hated Jews.  So one day he hatched a plan to kill all the Jews and asked the king if it would be okay.

The king approved the Pogrom but asked if he could do it later.  After all, if you’re going to massacre a populace, you should at least give them some warning.  And when the Jews found out, they were really scared, so they got weapons and waited for Haman to attack.

But when Esther found out, she decided to do something about it, so she asked the king and Haman to have a banquet with her and they agreed.  And while they were eating, Esther said to her husband, “You know how Haman wants to kill all the Jews?”

And he said, “Mm-hmm.”

And she said, “Well I’m a Jew, so that means he wants to kill me!”

And he said, “That’s funny… you don’t look Jewish.”

And she said, “That’s not the point.  Either you have Haman killed or you can lick the syrup out of your own asshole.”

So the king had Haman killed and instead of recalling all the soldiers, he just let the Jews kill them.  And a relatively high percentage of the people in the story lived happily ever after.  The end.



Before we snub out the roach tonight, I wanted to recognize a few of the people who make are job easier every week.  A lot of our listeners help out in the research department by sending us news items, suggesting diatribe subjects and tossing out ideas for skits and stuff.  We always appreciate that and we thank everybody who does it, but there are three people who really go above and beyond, one of whom doesn’t like hearing her name on the podcast and the other two of whom are Paul and (at) WorkMX on Twitter, so to these three valiant and astute listeners, I sincerely thanks you for making my life that much easier.

Also, once more, a huge thanks goes out to all the people who continue to wish Lucinda a speedy recovery… and we also really appreciate the sudden influx of donations while she’s out of work.  She’ll be back to work on June 2nd, so if you wanted to keep that influx of donations coming, we sure wouldn’t mind.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but we’ll be back in 168 hours to do Proverbs, which can’t possibly be as bad as Psalms but no doubt still sucks.  If you can’t wait that along, be sure to check out some bonus Scatheism on our Facebook page, our Twitter account and our YouTube channel… and yes, I’ll be posting an assload of backlogged stuff on YouTube in the next couple of weeks.

Of course I need to thank Heath for continuing to be an offensive bastard in an endearing way.  I need to thank Lucinda for powering through the pain to make dick jokes with us tonight.  And, of course, big thanks to Steve for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) exploration of atheist podcast taglines.  And believe it or not, he actually had more than that when he sent it, I just had to trim it down to fit into the intro.  Anyway, thanks for that, and glad to be in the company of so many fine podcasters… as well as Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most valuable hominids, Peter, Ted, Ullrich, Dave, Danny, Donovan, Jonathan, Matt, Cat, David, Michael and Kenny.  Peter, Ted and Ullrich, whose intellects make smartphones self-conscious; Dave, Danny and Donovan, who attract pussy faster than a pen-laser; Jonathan, Matt and Cat, whose cocks outrank Donald Sterling on the “World’s Biggest Dick” list; and David, Michael and Kenny, who are so sexy even their own pheromones want to fuck them.

These twelve exceptional examples of excellence have expedited our expletives this week by giving us money.  And since we just did a whole two minute bit about donating to us on Patreon (dot) com (slash) ScathingAtheist, that’s all I’ll say about that.  Except thanks.

And if you want to help out but you spent all your money on something frivolous like insulin or ransom, you can help us out for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or Stitcher and telling your friends about the show.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.