Home > Show Transcripts > Episode 64 – Partial Transcript

Episode 64 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints)

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Warning: It would take a lot more than Orbitz Gum to keep these guys from saying Fuck.

 

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s May 8th,

And believe it or not, when black people play golf, they’re great chippers.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “De-Segregated Golf Club” New York, New York,

And “Deep Fat Friar’s Club” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • California students deny the holocaust, and support their thesis with examples of Jews.
  • We’ll knock out a whole episode in less time than it takes for an Oklahoman felon to die of a lethal injection,
  • And theologians are still stumped by issues surround pre-op tranny weddings.

But first, the diatribe.

 

Diatribe:

I’m gonna do my level best tonight not to just say “ReasonCon” over and over again for thirty minutes because DAMN what a good time.  Holy shit, all in one weekend, I get my first chance to hang out with our listeners, I get my first chance to hang out with other atheist podcasters in person, I get my ass handed to me in a debate with Tracie Harris, I get a private lecture on Hitler’s Table Talk monologues from Dr. Richard Carrier and I get to make masturbation jokes at the expense of a former pastor.

Okay, yes, I’m blatantly name-dropping and shamelessly bragging.  Sorry about that, but DAMN what a good time.  Holy shit what a good time.  Had a blast.

This was actually my first time going to an atheist convention.  I’ve been to some skeptical cons and some science cons and I’ve been to Comic Con and shit like that, and I’ve always had a great time.  But it’s nothing compared to the knowledge that at any moment I can actually just say what I’m thinking without first planning an evacuation route.  I can make the Jesus joke that occurs to me as it occurs to me.  Not something I’m used to experiencing in public.

But I don’t want to make the weekend seem like it was all open bars, captivating conversations, hedonistic debauchery and brilliant lectures.  There was way more to it than just that.  I got something while I was there that I needed.  Something I’ve never gotten before and probably couldn’t get anywhere else.

See, I was lucky when it came to religion.  My parents were nominally religious but they were okay with me exploring spirituality in any whacky way I chose.  I got beat up a few times for being a “devil wor’shupper” and I got ostracized by a few teachers for standing up for the First Amendment once in a while, but by and large I got through life with no religious scars.  I started this podcast because religion annoys me and it’s bullshit.  But that’s all it was for me; an intellectual annoyance.

And sure, I’m aware of the real victims of religion.  I’m aware of the oppressed women and the abused kids and the sexually dysfunctional adults and the estranged children and the suicidal gays and the destitute marks, but I’ve never met them.  I’ve never spoken with them.  I’ve never looked into their eyes while they told me those stories.

This weekend I met Phoebe; an amazing young woman who is somehow filled with confidence and strength despite being dragged from one sexist cult to another through her youth.  I met Derrick, whose mother hasn’t returned a message from him for three years because she’s so ashamed to have raised an atheist.  I met Chris who spent years contemplating suicide because he couldn’t stop jerking off.  I met Ryan whose stepfather couldn’t possibly have been abusing him and his brother the way he claimed because his stepfather was a good Christian man.  I met Bobby whose father sexually abused him and used the Bible to justify it.

But the crimes of religion aren’t always so grandiose and they don’t have to be.  Because I also met Ben, who was a well-adjusted, super-bright dude that almost gave up on his Chemistry major to pursue a career in pretending that space-Jesus was for real.  He thought better of it, but he told me about a friend who didn’t.  A bright, promising mind foregoing scientific advancement in favor of promoting ignorance.

Now don’t get me wrong here.  I don’t think pursuing theology or biblical studies is necessarily a waste.  I also met Richard Carrier this weekend and I’m damn glad he’s devoted his brilliance to examining the Bible.  Every pursuit has value as long as it’s as the pursuit is honest.  But what is the societal cost when intelligent people devote themselves to perpetuating a lie?  How many chemists do we lose?  How many doctors or biologists or engineers never got to do anything useful because they were busy turning crackers into zombified Jew-flesh?

Every college degree in divinity is a college degree in not-something-else.  Every church is taking up space that could be used for a not-church.  Every pastor who pounds a pulpit could be hammering a fucking nail.  It’s silly to pretend that society doesn’t pay for this shit.  Every time you see a nice church surrounded by shitty houses, you’re looking at the societal cost.  Every time you see a wealthy preacher next to a struggling teacher, you’re looking at that cost.

And if you ever feel like you’ve seen it so many times your eyes have grown numb to it, I suggest hitting up an atheist convention.  From what I understand, they have a way of opening eyes.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is escaped ReAsonConvict, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to regale us with tales from the event?

ReAsonCon in Hickory, North Carolina was the real deal!!!  Plenty of free-range, locally-sourced, Hickory-smoked baby bacon.  The best pork comes straight from the stork!!!  MMMM GODLESS BITCHES!!!  Big thanks to the everyone involved, including the dedicated, talented, and hilarious hosts of Atheists on Air … Cash and Love!!!

Along with Gene and everybody else from Hickory Humanists… It was a phenomenally awesome time, which was good, because I needed all the pre-existing good mood I could get when I woke up Monday and read our lead story for the week.  Normally I’d try to write some witty headline to describe it or something, but I really don’t think I could do better than Andy Borowitz from the New Yorker, so in our lead story tonight “In Landmark Decision, Supreme Court Strikes Down Main Reason Country Was Started.”

Or in other words: “Roberts Court digs up James Madison’s grave and shits in his mouth.”

Okay, yeah… that was better than Borowitz.  And of course we’re talking about the controversial 5-4 decision that upheld the right of the Town of Greece, New York to wrap the Bill of Rights around a pile of dog shit and then light it on fire and leave it on some old dude’s porch to see if he’ll stomp it out.  Writing the Majority opinion, Anthony “What the fuck ever happened to you, you bumbling tit?” Kennedy said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Fuck the first amendment. Ya’ll keep bringing up old shit.”

Can’t local politicians in Greece, NY just pray for their job to matter in the car, before they walk into the meetings? … That’s literally the trade-off here.  We had to either scrap the First Amendment, or ask people to shit before the meeting.  And we decided on diapers in the meeting.

Well, the majority opinion actually claimed that the prayers didn’t violate the first amendment because they didn’t (quote) “denigrate nonbelievers or religious minorities, threaten damnation or preach conversion.”  Because isn’t that what the Constitution says?  I believe the exact portion he’s referring to is the part that reads, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion unless everybody’s really nice about it.  And then it’s okay.”

But they’re not even being really nice about it!!!  In what sense is threatening damnation, and preaching conversion capable of being friendly?!?

Now in the aftermath of the decision, the American Humanist Association announced a program that will help train people to give secular invocations while the Freedom From Religion Foundation has offered a reward to the person who gives the best one.  Because, let’s face it, if we were supplicant, we would be religious, which is why eventually we always win fights like this.

If the Scathing Atheists are allowed to make invocations before redneck town meetings, they’ll stop praying real fast.

I’ll be adding links to more info on the AHA and FFRFs efforts on the shownotes for this episode and I strongly encourage everyone who listens to this to take this one seriously.  This is some activism we can all do in our hometowns that will really make a difference.

Supreme Court upholds prayer before public meetings: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303647204579543572388368040?mg=reno64-wsj&url=http%3A%2F%2Fonline.wsj.com%2Farticle%2FSB10001424052702303647204579543572388368040.html

LINK TO AHA SECULAR INVOCATION INFORMATION

LINK TO FFRF SECULAR INVOCATION REWARD INFO

And from “The Most Dangerous Game Theory” file, one of Oklahoma’s tax-paid executioners botched a routine iocane powder procedure, and witnesses were forced to see that awkward, prolonged, death seizure look on the perp’s face for about 20 minutes.  This is why atheists only murder unborn children.  No eye contact.

Yeah, I hate it when state sponsored barbarism is so barbaric.  If the two terms weren’t mutually exclusive, I’d suggest we execute prisoners like a civilized society.

In order to avoid bureaucratic ineptitude like this in the future – and keeping in mind they still want to continue murdering people – many Republican Christians are calling for privatization of the capital punishment industry, making it more efficient, and profitable at the same time.  Or …  instead of no-bid contracts for domestic vigilante Halliburton death squads, we could realize that capital punishment costs taxpayers more than life in prison … and also murder is probably wrong.  

Just when you think the Republican irony meter can’t go any higher.  As it turns out, they only had issues with the “state sponsored” part of “state sponsored death panels.”

I know it’s not a top priority like “Don’t whittle figurines”, but something along the lines of “Shalt not Kill” is in the 5-7 range depending on how you mistranslate the perfect word of god and his ten most important commandments.  But more importantly – just in general – if somebody asks you if you should murder people … and you have to consult a textbook … that’s problematic … REALLY pedantic at best.

Death Penalty Sort-of Works Eventually: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2014/05/02/what-it-was-like-watching-the-botched-oklahoma-execution/

And in “Defrock ‘em in the ass” news tonight, the Vatican has finally released details of exactly how they’ve disciplined priests accused of child rape and torture.  Before we get to the sanctions, I’d like to point out that they did so while being questioned by the UN committee that monitors the implementation of the UN Treaty against torture, so for the assholes that email me and tell me calling it torture is hyperbolic, fuck you.  It is absolutely torture; it’s torture of the worst kind and the people doing the torture no longer dispute that fact.  So stop standing up for child torturing rapists.

Yeah, let’s just take a moment and consider one more time, that Christianity is appearing before the UN Anti-Torture Committee.  Must be a few awkward moments … “So this last part’s just a formality … Embarrassed to even ask, but it’s our last checkbox here … You guys keep the pedophiles away from kids after you find out, right?  You’re not still setting them up with jobs as Chuck E Cheese bathroom attendants, right?”  

The numbers also cast enormous suspicion on the whole “Yeah, sure, back in the 50s we fucked the hell out of some kids, but now we’re cool” argument the Vatican’s been peddling for the last couple years.  More than 3400 credible accusations of abuse have been referred to the Vatican in the last ten years including more than 400 cases just last year.

If they’re gonna equate institutional pedophilia to cigarette smoking, then we get to put a Surgeon General’s warning on every bible from now on.  Because they’re still smoking boy pole!!!

Warning: Do not use while operating civic machinery.  I like it.  So in 848 of the nearly 3500 cases, the priests ID card and his super-saver discount card were revoked.  And that represented the tough punishment.  They didn’t get to be priests anymore.  Which means that in more than 2,500 instances they did get to be priests anymore!  The Rapists!

Vatican releases stats on punishments for molester priests: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/may/06/vatican-figures-disciplined-priests-sex-abuse

And in “@GOP + @GOD = #BFF” news, the Republican National Committee tweeted the following over the weekend: (quote) “Religious freedom is our God-given right.” (end quote) … Also included was a link to a strongly-worded petition demanding that President Obama stop helping Satan by refusing to fill the crucially important position called: Ambassador-at-Large for International Religious Freedom.  Rumors on the Hill suggest the currently serving Traveling Secretary to the Assistant Quidditch Game Warden is perfect for the job … But then you get Harry Potter fans petitioning Obama about the free exercise clause.

Right.  The guys that have the judiciary running on fumes and dryer lint are worried about this unfilled post?

Knowing that Jesus was less about public well-being, and more about deadly weapons, the GOP recently bolstered it’s Christ-Cred even further, when it blocked the selection of an extremely qualified Surgeon General nominee, for his role in angering the NRA by suggesting bullet wounds may be harmful to your health.  Doesn’t the First Amendment say Christians can’t vote because that would be crazy?

Yeah, but as of this week we’re not doing the First Amendment anymore.

RNC tweets about being the god party and Obama oppressing religious freedom: http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/republican-party-announces-it-is-officially-the-party-of-god/politics/2014/05/05/86744

And in “63% of Respondents said “Ungh….”” news tonight, a new study finds that Evangelicals are still stunningly stupid.  (Stunningly?)  A new survey by The Associated Press looked into America’s willingness to accept established, fully demonstrated scientific fact and to the surprise of nobody, we flunked miserably.  The survey showed that the Evangelicals were leading the way, proudly marching toward hegemonized stupidity, but kind of running into each other and falling down a lot.

Like chickens proudly marching to the KFC factory … It’s okay to be stupid, but when all the smartest chickens do shitloads of research on KFC, and show you videos of the Fargo Chipper, you halt the fucking procession!!!

Yes, but this study casts doubt on any analogy that assumes Evangelicals have intelligence equal to that of a chicken.  Okay, so the numbers.  They looked at four key scientific facts and asked people if they were confident that these demonstrable, unambiguous FACTS were true.  More than three quarters of Evangelicals expressed doubt in the big bang and evolution; with more than half doubting anthropogenic climate change and the established age of the earth.

We finally have actual evidence suggesting a flood, and the Christians are denying it???

This is further proof that we didn’t need that religion stifles scientific advancement and it’s not the sporadic influence the apologists would have you believe.  I’d argue that if this was the only negative influence of religion, that would be enough to justify this show and my outrage.  And it’s not.  Because they also fuck kids.

Oh, right I forgot about that, since we covered it two stories ago!

Study: Evangelicals are still stunningly stupid: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/01/ap-survey-faith-science_n_5249154.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Wiles E Coyote Ugly” news, conservative North Carolina Senate candidate Steve Wiles – whilst campaigning on the gay-marriage-ban platform – was recently outed as a former drag queen emcee at a Winston-Salem gay bar, performing under the stage name, “Miss Mona Sinclair”.

The greatest part of this story is that when they asked the staunchly anti-gay rights candidate if he himself was gay, he said, and I quote, “I really won’t make any comment on that.”  So yeah, he really dodged a bullet there.  They almost figured him out.

Yeah close one … So after being fired from his/her job as a promoter for the 2011 Miss Gay America pageant, for (quote) “conduct unbecoming” to the organization, it seems Wiles decided he/she was better suited to perform conduct unbecoming to a politician.

What kind of a tease is it to mention “Conduct unbecoming of a Miss Gay America promoter” and then not give details.  Motherfuckers…

Obviously we’ve already got 30 seconds on the clock for this one … “Republican Drag Queen Bar Names” … GO!!!

Forged Bush

The GOP Spot

I was gonna says the “Trans Old Party”

SantoRum and Coke

I don’t mind admitting, that place gives me a Boehner.  How about “Gippers & Strippers: The Home of Trickle Down Your Back Economics.”

Ted’s Gay Cruise?

Colon Pow!

Tap That Ashcroft

Chris (equals) Christie?  Great place to get your tunnel jammed.

Kind of like “Vicar/Victoria” …

The Oral Majority

The Dick Army Gravy Train

Prostate’s Rights?

Entrance in the Back Tucker Carlson’s

The LGBT Party.

Adam’s Applebees

Anti-gay politician once worked as drag queen at gay bar: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/anti-gay-north-carolina-republican-candidate-worked-drag-queen-gay-bar-report-article-1.1779271

And finally tonight, in “Holocaust of Living” news, a high school in Rialto, California learned the stupid way that you shouldn’t assign kids to write a paper entitled “Did the holocaust really happen?”  Eighth grade students in the school were asked to do some research and write a paper explaining whether they believed the holocaust was (a) the holocaust or (b) a political scheme concocted to influence public emotion.  And they somehow failed to know in advance that they’d reached “drooling into your soup” levels of idiocy here.

If I remember high school correctly, that means I could have gotten an A on a holocaust denial essay, as long as I used transition words like “moreover”, and somewhere included the phrase “encompassing a wide swath of cultural mores”.

I should point out that I don’t think the topic should be off the table for discussion or anything.  If somebody wants to research the historical evidence on that one I invite them to do so because the historical evidence is FUCKING OVERWHELMING.  I mean… just… what else happened to all the fucking Jews?  There are censuses before the holocaust and there’s all these jews.  And then there’s now.  And all those Jews are gone.  So sure.  Look into it.  Start with some of Michael Shermer’s excellent work on the subject.  But don’t make a fucking history assignment out of it!  And especially don’t do that if… and I don’t give a shit if this is unrelated… but especially don’t do it if the superintendent of the school is sporting the “I shit you not” name of Mohammad Z. Islam.  That’s actually the dude’s name.

That was also the #2 answer when Family Feud asked 100 Texans to name the President of the United States.  And the #1 answer: … George Bush.

Anyway, after fucking-duh complaints from the Anti-Defamation League, a number of other groups and most of the parents who weren’t assholes, the school apologized and scrapped the paper and replaced it with a less controversial sociology assignment entitled, “The Blacks: Do They Really Love Them Some Cornbread?”

“Rape: Legitimate Gripe or Bid for Attention?”

California School debates historical legitimacy of the holocaust: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/05/rialto-holocaust-assignment_n_5268840.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Well I guess now that we can chalk up the rape joke we can close out the headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

If they downloaded our podcast, they were asking for it.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be here to make excuses for not reading all the way through Psalms.

 

Babble:

Holy shit… which was, I believe, the working title for Psalms.

They also kicked around “Better Off Dead Poet’s Society” …

We had the supreme displeasure this week of reading by far the longest book of the bible and the only task less desirable than reading this shit is figuring out a way to break it down in a 10 minute segment.

Which is only slightly less desirable than Anne Coulter’s personality

Indeed.  Not only is this book way too long for a meaningful overview; it’s also just a random anthology of needy, whining jews.  There’s no story to talk about… it’s just a collection of crappy and often cadaverous prayers about random shit.  So joining us to try to find a way to sum this sucker up is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Good to be back… I’ve missed me.

As have I.  So to give this discussion some kind of structure we’re gonna look not to the individual psalms, but rather to the five sections within the book.  So Lucinda, why don’t you start us off with part one:

 

  • Part one:

 

      • So Basically you have two types of Psalms right off the bat.  They’re either saying “Hey, you can tell how glorious god is because everything is going right for us” or they’re saying, “I know things aren’t going right for us, but that doesn’t mean that God’s not glorious.”
      • Right.  A lot of “Damned if I do, damned if you don’t” stuff…  and it’s so funny coming right off of Job.  The very first psalm basically negates the entire previous book.
        • And they make sure to point out that good Christians are always prosperous because their parents own valuable coastal properties.  So choose your parents wisely.
      • And then there’s a bunch of “My god could beat up your god” and “Dear god, don’t let anybody fuck me in my sleep” shit for the next hundred and fifty chapters.
      • Interspersed with some serious shit talk about atheists.
      • Yes, apparently we’re cannibals and do only wicked acts.  But that’s just because of the dude we sent back in time to terminate the Jesus pregnancy, or “Project: Hasta la vista, Baby Jesus”.  That’s a nice brunch right there: Bacon, Egg, and Jesus, and a Bloody Mary with stem celery garnish.
      • It worked better in part two, but they’re still waiting for the second coming anyway.
      • Yeah, 18 is a weird one, too.  It’s a mile and a half longer than all the other ones around it, but it’s about a scene where basically God kills a bunch of ninjas, so I didn’t mind so much.
      • I liked 22, which I call “The prayer of the pantsed nerd”
      • Yeah, right before the “The lord is my sheppard bit” we get the whole “My mom says you guys are only persecuting me because you’re jealous” Psalm… which was fun.
      • And then in Psalm 35 we get the prayer of the RoadRunner… it’s all about my enemies getting caught in their own nets and accidentally strapping themselves to their own Acme rocket…
        • “And God made the law of gravity, and the coyote fell, and it was good.”
    • Part Two:
      • Then we get to part two and it’s worth pointing out that there’s nothing that divides book one from book two except a header that says, “book two”.  There’s no substantive difference between the content of either book.
      • Right.  The Psalms continue to basically fall into two themes: (a) Our enemies just got their asses kicked, how about god, huh? and (b) Our enemies just kicked our asses so what the hell?
      • Is that what you guys were getting?  I swear at a certain point I was just reading “goddy-goddy-god-god… god god ‘selah’”
      • Yeah, lot of that too.  But there was also plenty of backhanded praise in this one.  A lot of “God, I know it seems like you’re fucking up all your godding and what not, but we know better.”
      • And then there’s all the flattering, obsequious, “I sure hope god fucks my daughter” stuff … “God. God. God. Dad. Daddy. Yahweh. Hashem. Lois. Are you watching? Are you looking?”
      • I giggled at Psalm 47, which was basically the biblical version of the Hokey Pokey.
      • And I think it’s worth noting that Psalm 53 is basically identical to Psalm 14. They were hoping we wouldn’t notice, but we did.
      • Probably not a coincidence that they doubled up on the Psalm that talked shit about atheists.  Literally claims that every single atheist is evil.  So all babies are evil.
      • A lot of justifications for racism and genocide too.  Psalm 58, 60, 63, 68… basically all the ones that aren’t telling god how massive his dick is.
      • Yeah, 58 was particularly egregious.  I believe that was the one where you ask god to rip out the teeth of your enemies children.  Or at least make sure nobody is allowed to provide them with affordable medical coverage.

 

  • Part Three:

 

      • Then we get to part three.  And I’m hoping that we’re gonna see some kind of change in theme or something, but I’ve been burned once before.  Book One and Book Two were just randomly separated.  But this time Book Two actually ends by saying, “Okay so that’s all of David’s shit.”  So I got my hopes up one more time.  Would something finally be different?
      • No.
      • Right.  No.  First Psalm in book three?  Same “Damn is god awesome and damn do wicked people suck” nonsense for another 16 Psalms.
      • Right, but this book is shorter so it feels like you’re getting somewhere.  It’s like driving through New England.  Every few minutes you’re going over another state line and even though you’re not actually getting anywhere any faster, you feel like you are.  
      • I wanted to point this one out, by the way, because I could be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure that in 74:11 god says he can’t help the Israelites because he’s busy fondling his own tits…. or whacking off or something.
      • That’s how I read it.
        • If I remember correctly – and I rarely do – in King James, God was giving himself a Rusty Trombone.
      • And as you’re slogging through this thing, once in a while you get shit like Psalm 78, which is five Psalms long and basically rehashed all the highlights from Exodus through Second Samuel.
      • But here and there you’ll come across a nugget of gold.  Like verse 81:10 where god says to the Jews, “Open your mouths and I shall fill them…” and then starts talking about them sucking up his dripping honey.  We’re all adults here.  You hear milk and honey … You think arcing ropes of jism.  God made us this way.
      • Then you get a whole bunch of “when are you gonna get around to incinerating my enemies, god?” to wrap up book three.
      • I was actually pretty fond of Psalm 89, which says, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Dear god, pretty sure you fucked up the last couple years of earth. Feel free to take a mulligan.”

 

  • Part Four:

 

      • And then there’s book four, which is just more kissing of the holy holey.
      • And these fucking poems… when did the bible turn into a recently dumped highschool girl?  “You want to read some of my poems?”  “Of fucking course I don’t! Nobody ever honestly answered ‘yes’ to the question ‘Do you want to read some of my poems’!”
      • But at least teenage girl poems have some important themes like slitting your wrists or getting finger fucked.  These ones are all about how Jews are invincible and god is such a snappy dresser.  Yeah I’d love to hear those, but maybe I can read the new unedited manuscript of that novel you’ve been working on, right here on the spot.  And then you can play us that song on guitar you’re halfway through writing.  And then the poems, right after that.  
      • Right, so moving on, we get another generous helping of “Hey god, did you notice how much more moral I was being than everybody else?  That’s because they all suck and need a good smiting.”
      • And I thought Psalm 96 was an interesting one.  It basically says that god is great and he knows everything… but we still have to remind him how awesome he is constantly.
      • Yes and in the following Psalm I believe we learn that if you have the right Poke-Ball, god can breathe fire, which is a pretty cool trick.
      • Put perhaps my favorite of all of them was Psalm 101 which says, and again, paraphrasing here, but it basically says “God is peace and love and justice and I’ll kill any motherfucker who disagrees.”
      • And you thought the Muslims made that shit up.  Just another Jewish cover band like the Christians.

 

  • Part Five:

 

    • And then you mercifully get to Part Five and you’ve been through so much that you think it’s almost over… but you forget that just this part of this book is basically the length of Exodus.
    • And it starts off right, with a Psalm that reminds us that if you starve or rot in prison or get sick and die or drown… it’s because god hates you and you’re evil.
    • And we keep getting all the mixed messages.  Like take Psalm 111 for example.  It tells us that the lord is forgiving and trustworthy and infinitely just… and because of that, you should be scared shitless of him.
    • Yeah, that’s something of a running theme in this book.
    • But Psalms also has my favorite thing in the bible so far… the middle.  Psalm 118 is the midway point so we’re definitely getting somewhere.
    • And interestingly enough it’s sandwiched between Psalm 117, which is the shortest chapter in the entire bible, and Psalm 119, which is the longest chapter.  And believe me, this meaningless coincidence has been the subject of billions of words worth of religiotic babbling.
      • And 119 was clearly written by a 5-year-old learning the Hebrew alphabet with an acrostic poem.
    • One of our listeners said on Facebook that he actually had to memorize that motherfucker in school.  3 pages of divine felatio…  What a waste.
    • I think it’s interesting that in Psalm 122 they specifically call for peace in Jerusalem.  So… Jews and Christians have been praying for this for how many millennia now?  And they still haven’t given up on praying?
    • Seems clear that this god dude is a slacker.
    • Yes, but as Psalm 123 explains at length, as much of a pathetic fuck up as god is, you’re even worse.
    • And was it just me or was there a ton of thanking god for the wrong shit?  Like in 126 where they thank god for no longer requiring them to be enslaved.  Thanks for not hitting me in the dick with that weed eater again!  Thanks for not fucking me in the ass between each pump!
    • Or 135, which basically says, “As evidence of god’s infinite compassion, I submit the following list of people he’s killed…”
    • And, of course, we have to talk about the most notorious of all the Psalms, number 137.
      • Which essentially says “If a foreigner asks you to sing them a psalm, you refuse.  Non-Jews can’t hear Psalms.  They can listen to them, but they can’t hear them.”
    • It’s probably a good idea to have this Psalm at the ready, though, if you think about it.  Just in case somebody captures you and tells you to sing a song, it’s nice to have a song at the ready about not wanting to sing songs for your captors and smashing their children’s skulls.  That’s just prudence.
    • Not many songs about smashing baby skulls these days.
    • A lost art, indeed.
    • Then we get a bunch more “Have you ever met a starving kid in Africa?  Bunch of assholes. Quit blaming god” type Psalms, and it draws to an overdue but merciful close.

And thus ends the longest book in the Bible and the only legitimate competitor to Vogon poetry.  Next up is Proverbs which is still stupid long but it’s gonna seem like a cakewalk compared to Psalms.

Getting baptized by Sarah Palin would seem like a cakewalk after Psalms.

Yep.  So no Bible for the next three weeks.  Between now and then I’m just gonna read Billy Collins until my eyes hurt.

Thanks for soldiering through it, guys.  Halfway and then some.

Aww, Only halfway? ( Shit.)

Halftime Score: Jews 1, Christians and Muslims 0

 

Outro:

Before we settle the tab tonight, I wanted to throw a huge thanks out to all the listeners that made it out to ReasonCon last weekend.  It was our first chance to actually hang out with our audience a bit and it turns out we’ve got a hell of an audience.  Thanks so much for making it an unforgettable weekend.  Too many people to thank by name… and I’d probably fuck up and leave someone out… so just in general, thanks a ton.  Really meant the world to us that so many of you were able to make it.

I also wanted to thank Paul from the Quranify Me Podcast for inviting me to take part in a skit he did for his show.  Tom and Cecil, Adam Reakes and me all popped in for a few minutes and I believe you can hear that on his most recent episode.  I’ll link to it in the shownotes.

LINK TO QURANIFY ME PODCAST

Obviously, I need to thank Bobby C from the No Religion Required Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  I hate to admit that I still haven’t had a chance to check out his show, but I’ll be rectifying that today and with good reason.  While we were at ReasonCon he caught some audio that was either one of the greatest moments in atheist podcasting history or we were all so shit-faced we just thought it was.  What started off as a few minutes with Heath and I eventually turned into several hours with us, Cash and Love, Bill from Bar Room Atheists, Tracie Harris from The Atheist Experience, Dr. Richard Carrier, “Year Without God” pastor Ryan Bell… along with a dozen other hilarious drunken atheists.  Not sure how good the audio quality will be, but if it’s even remotely good it will be well worth your time to check it out.  If nothing else, it includes Heath and Cash competing for the most off-color abortion joke so that should be enough to get you there.

LINK TO NO RELIGION REQUIRED PODCAST

Speaking of Heath, need to thank him once more for all he does both on and off the air.  Need to thank Lucinda for toughing it out all the way through Psalms.  And speaking of Psalms, I also want to thank all our Twitter followers for all the words of encouragement during my one hundred and fifty hour Psalm-a-thon last week.  Happy to have that over and done with.  Thanks to everybody who favorites or retweeted or responded or whatever.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most honorable hominids; Robert, Andrew, John, Mark, Kilburn State Records, Shane, Eric with a C, Robives (dot) com, Don, Daniel, Jonathan, Robert, Nicholas, Scott, Liam, Erik with a K and Steven.  Robert, Andrew, John and Mark, whose erections give railroad crossing arms feelings of inadequacy; Kilburn State Records and Robives (dot) com, which would have made the list if it was the Fortune 502; Shane, Eric with a C, Don and Daniel; whose archery skills are too much for even the nimblest of neutrinos; Jonathan, Robert and Nicholas, who aren’t the droids you’re looking for; and Scott, Liam, Erik with a K and Steven, who make Mother Teresa look like a miserable bitch and not just because Mother Teresa really was a miserable bitch.

These seventeen people and companies (which are also people according to certain Republicans) have helped secure the sanity of coming generations this week by giving us money.  Giving us money is a noble, selfless pursuit that was often used as a test of bravery by native American tribes.  It also inoculates against alien abduction, witchcraft and the stupid thing where people think WiFi is nuking their brains.  And it helps us keep doing the show.

And if you donate at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist where, for as little as one dollar per episode, you can get extended cuts of each episode before the show is available to the general public.  And for as little as more than one dollar an episode, you can get other bonus shit, too.  So definitely check that out.

You can also support us with a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or by picking up a copy of our new book “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on Amazon and the Kindle Store as well as other fine e-book retailers.

And if you’d like to support the show but we can go fuck ourselves if we think we’re getting your hard-earned dollars, you can also help us a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes or Stitcher or wherever you like to leave five star reviews.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

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  1. May 11, 2014 at 10:25 PM

    Great show guys! Thank you for the mention. Please give our best to Lucinda.

  2. May 27, 2014 at 1:49 AM

    But Vogon poetry is only the second worst in the known galaxy.

  3. Mike
    January 19, 2015 at 8:55 PM

    I just came back to this diatribe today to quote the part about the societal cost of religion. It’s really stuck with me even though it was 36 episodes ago. Religion poisons everything – in big ways and also in subtle ways you hardly notice like this.

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