The Scathing Atheist

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

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Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints.

Warning: On the Scathing Atheist it’s always “Ask an Atheist” day, but sometimes the answer is “Fuck off.”

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Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by PassoverStock.com, Online purveyors of seasonal religious bullshit

Are you about to celebrate the day an Egyptian guy sort of helped out the Jews that one time?  Tired of the annual price gouge on bitter herbs, manischewitz, and enormous flat crackers?  Well we liquidated the shit you didn’t consume last year, so we can offer the best prices.

And now the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s April 17th

And a whole bunch of libertarians just paid income tax, even though the IRS is illegal.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from urban planning New York, New York…

And rural klanning Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode

• We’ll be burdened by Job,
• The Pope will accept his apology for all the kid fucking on our behalf,
• And Christians find a way to re-purpose hamentaschen vagina cookies.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

So I guess Ayaan Hirsi Ali can add “honorary Brandeis drop out” to her impressive list of accomplishments.  Member of Dutch parliament, award winning human rights advocate, author, world renowned opponent of female genital mutilation and one of Time magazine’s 100 most influential people in the world.  But not good enough for an honorary degree from Brandeis university?

And why, pray tell, did Brandeis balk on their plans to give her an honorary degree?  Well, as it turns out, her lifelong crusade against Islamic institutionalization of violence towards women hurt some Muslim’s feelings.

They pointed to comments she made that sound mean, especially when taken completely devoid of context.  And the university said, “well shucks, we can’t have mean people here, so fuck her.  No soup for you.”

So whatever, doesn’t matter.  If anything, her being denied this honorary degree has brought a hell of a lot more attention to her cause that actually receiving the honorary degree would have, but the principle of it still pisses me off and it’s something I’m seeing more and more.  What’s worse, a huge chunk of the secular community seem to be just fine with it.

What I’m talking about here is this notion that attacking a religion is somehow equated with racism.  People talk about “Islamophobia” alongside homophobia or racism as though the two things come from the same place.  I reject the term “Islamophobia” altogether, but if we’re gonna use it, can we at least agree that there’s a difference between hating gay people because you’re a bigot and fearing Muslims who are actively trying to harm you?

Ayaan Hirsi Ali was the victim of female genital mutilation.  She was beaten in the name of Islam.  She was the victim of a forced marriage.  The guy who directed the movie she wrote was murdered by Islamic militants and she’s received countless death threats from the same people.  When she talks about the dangers of Islam, she’s not some backwoods yokel spouting off about how the Jews is controllin’ the werld through them UPS satellites.  She’s an exceptional, brilliant human being speaking from personal experience.

And what were the remarks that Brandeis couldn’t be associated with?  Well, she’s said plenty of shit to piss off Muslims, but the quote I keep seeing in relation to the story comes from an interview in “Reason’ magazine back in 2007.  When asked about the path toward peace in the middle east, she said of Islam:

(quote) “Once it is defeated, it can mutate into something peaceful.  It’s very difficult to even talk about peace now.  They’re not interested in peace.”

I should point out, she was offered a chance to back that off a bit in the interview and made it very clear that she wasn’t just talking about “radical” Islam, she wasn’t just talking about “militant” Islam; she was talking about the religion.

Sounds horrible, right?  Sounds bad enough to almost justify all those Muslims getting so pissy about it, right?  Unless, of course, she’s right.

The multicultural crowd loves to spout on about how this is motivated by xenophobia when it comes from a middle-aged white dude like me, but what about when it comes from the victim herself?  They like to act like it’s a cardinal sin to suggest one religion is more destructive than another, but considering that’s an indisputable fact, maybe we should be allowed to talk about it, eh?

But when Sam Harris says, “Well, they do spawn way more than their fair share of international terrorists” he’s shouted down as a racist even though, you know, Islam isn’t a fucking race.

When Dawkins points out that, “Well, you know, the countries they control sure don’t contribute much to science” he’s shouted down as a bigot because how dare he point out that easily demonstrable fact?

And when Ayaan Hirsi Ali says that this religion; the religion she was born into and victimized by throughout her life; really does represent an existential threat to the rest of the world, she’s shouted down by the people she’s speaking out against and a bunch of multicultural, politically correct assholes.

Raping kids and covering it up is wrong.  And every Catholic that gave money to the church in the last 100 years had a hand in that and should be ashamed of themselves.  I can say that all I want and I don’t get accused of any kind of bigotry.

Chopping off a girl’s clitoris and then forcing her to marry someone and supporting acid attacks and honor killings while refusing to allow women access to education is wrong.  And every Muslim who continues to support the existence of the faith that embraces that shit should be ashamed of themselves.  And clearly, I say that because I’m a racist or something; even though there are a hell of a lot more clerics supporting honor killings and FGM than there are Catholic’s ass raping kids.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is guy returning from a long weekend of bachelor party debauchery, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you feeling recovered yet?

I’m happy to say that I have facial sensations again, and I’m not a father!!!

Well, judging by the fundamentalist definitions you were a father, but yeah, doesn’t count if you’re an atheist.

In our lead story tonight, the Spanish town of Castrillo de Matajudios, is considering a name change, after someone finally pointed out to the ignorant tannish people there, that they might want to avoid the phrase “Jew Killer” in their title.  

Yeah, because ignorant tannish people should stop being such prejudicial racists.

So the excuse goes like this … Out of nowhere, the Spanish Inquisition starts.  

Never would have expected that.

And to appease the Hitler of 1478, everyone in town decided that a quick repaint of their highway sign, and “Castrillo Hill” could easily be “Castrillo Kill the Jews”.

Well, you don’t want to change it all at once; they can start by toning it down to “Jew Maimer”, then “Jew Raper” and eventually just “Jew Insulter” or something.

Quantitative Easing – Spain knows all about that stuff … And even if they do get rid of the Nazi-Ville title, many Spaniards will still be using the phrase “matar hudios” to reference their Easter ritual of drinking spiked lemonade; a practice that they affectionately call “Killing Jews”.  Apparently this tradition dates back to the very first Pog-Rums, when medieval Christians would get wasted, and publicly lynch Jews to punish them for alleged deicide.

I was gonna say that there are worse things to spike that lemonade…

Spanish town considers changing its name to something other than “Jew Killer”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/11/matajudios-jew-killer-town_n_5133302.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “At least he weren’t gay” news tonight, an article in the Harvard Theological Review strongly suggests that the notorious gospel fragment about Jesus’ wife is not a modern forgery.  Their data confirm that it was written between the sixth and ninth century; leading to yet more centers of advanced learning weighing in on the question of who a fictional character was boning.

What does it say about your religion if the son of god doesn’t get laid?

The fragment in question has Jesus referring to his wife and saying that she can be his disciple.  While this whole debate has a Thor’s hammer versus Captain America’s shield feel to it, I think it’s worth reflecting on the vitriolic opposition to the science we’re seeing from bitter old sexists who are arguing that it’s impossible that someone writing at least 600 years after the disputed existence of this clearly mythologized character would assume he was getting some pussy.

Would this mean priests could start fucking adult pussy, instead of whatever arrangement they have now?  Even just pussy … Baby steps.  Or better yet, I suppose, just adult.  Orifice TBD.

Yeah, that’s better.  Anyway, scientists arguing for the authenticity of the fragment point to radiocarbon testing of the ink, the chemical composition of the papyrus, patterns of oxidation on the fragment, as well as archaeological analyses of the handwriting and grammar.  Opponents dismiss this evidence, citing the widely confirmed consensus that Jesus would never use his dick recreationally.

Ancient reference to Jesus’ wife found not to be a forgery: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2014/04/10/study-jesus-wife-fragment-not-a-fake/

And in “Kettle One Morality” news, a new study on societal perception of atheism by psychologist Will Gervais manages to prove simultaneously, that people are fucking stupid, and that people think atheists are immoral.

Yeah, at that Ask an Atheist thing I did it Georgia Southern tonight I got a Muslim girl to admit that (1) the only reason that she doesn’t kill people is because god said it was bad and (2) that if god changed his mind she would kill people.  It scares the shit out of me that it wasn’t harder.

Gervais sets up the experiment by giving people a general description of a terrible, evil, sociopathic person named Dax, and then asks them a multiple choice question.  One entire experimental group got this question: Which is more likely? A) Dax is a teacher … or B) Dax is a teacher that is atheist.  

Or C, he’s a teacher who’s an atheist with green pubes that have crabs that draw Venn Diagrams.

Other groups got the same question, but with choice B as a different religion or race, instead of atheist.  Choice B) is a subset of A) in every case, so the answer is obviously fucking A) !!! … But the group given the option to demonize atheists, did so far more than any other group demonized their option B) demographic.

Yeah, but to be fair, religious is a subset of stupid and stupid people all have trouble with this one.

Sadly, this study shows that still – even today – society associates reason with evil.  But it was even worse as you go back through the centuries.  So just about every great scientist – despite being falsely claimed as an adherent by some religion – was probably a silent atheist trying to avoid a lynch mob or a guillotine, while they did evil shit like forward human understanding of the universe.

People think atheists are more likely to be evil: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/16/new-study-shows-that-even-atheists-think-atheists-are-immoral

And in “Why you keep bringin’ up old shit?” news, Pope Fran-Sisyphus asked for forgiveness for all the kids his church has tortured over the past couple of centuries.  So if you were still waiting on the new pontiff to take some concrete steps towards fixing the problem, I think it’s time to exhale.  He’s asked for forgiveness, which is almost as good as saying you’re sorry.  So, you know, problem solved.

I assume Pope Frankle Grabber’s going for the Lord’s forgiveness, right?  I would imagine it’s much easier to get forgiveness from the Lord, than centuries of rape victims.

Well, I don’t know… rape victims do exist.  So critics point out (or, are about to point out) that despite his contrite attitude, the church he heads is still… right now, this very moment… sheltering accused priests, contractually silencing it’s victims as a prerequisite to compensation and refusing to discipline bishops who demonstrably covered up the crimes.  So yeah, “Terribly sorry about that time I hit you with that baseball bat.  And the next time I hit you with it.”  Doesn’t do it for me.

It’s like the horrible tourist saying “Sorry” AS they try to smash onto a crowded rush hour subway with twelve suitcases, a stroller, a large ficas plant, and a tandem bicycle.  You’re obviously not that sorry!!! … A surfboard AND skis?!?

Pope Franarchy in the UK made the comments on the Vatican radio last friday, adding that (quote) “You don’t play around with the lives of children… their scrotum’s sure, but not their lives.”

Pope asks for forgiveness for pedophelia, still shields perps from prosecution: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/11/pope-francis-sex-abuse-forgiveness_n_5132019.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Southern Belle Curves” news, Mississippi schools teach SexEd about as well as they teach all the other subjects.  Thanks to the signature maturity and wisdom of Christians, students are being taught ‘abstinence-only’ versions of the real curriculum, in which crucial public health information – like how to use condoms – is forbidden.  Local teens still buy them, but only for keister-smuggling crank, like God intended.

I don’t get this shit… The bible says nothing at all about condoms and obviously God used protection every time but that one.

This is literally the argument … On the one hand, communities that teach Bible-inspired “abstinence-only” sex education in their schools tend to have grossly higher rates of teen pregnancy and STD’s.  On the other hand, God’s dick has literally been everywhere, and he knocked up Mary when she was like thirteen …

Religious people with logically incoherent views?  I don’t know…

Considering the entire lesson plan for a semester of abstinence-only SexEd is “Don’t do that” … One wonders: What the fuck are they teaching?!?  How to build a bridge out of a witch?!? …

No – they decided to spend the time slut-shaming females, by passing a peppermint patty around the room to show how multiple handlers ruins candy, just like it ruins a vagina.

These abstinence only guys need to make up their mind.  Is a vagina a cookie, a chewed piece of gum, a cup full of spit?  Quit confusing these kids with new analogies!

And they’re obviously setting up the lesson wrong.  It would make a lot more sense to have all the students finger the same prostitute.  And then smell each others Lady Fingers.  And of course that means we’ll need 30 seconds on the clock for “Genital-Themed Snack Foods” … GO!!!  

That’s a tough one, though… So many snack foods are already named after genitals… Mounds, Twinkies, Almond Joy, Creampies, Juicy Fruit, Honey Buns, Fudge Rounds… But I guess, considering the headline, we should start with Pepper-Minge Patties.

Love those girlscouts, and their thin minges …

What about: Slit-O-Honey?  

Clit Kat Bars?  Muslims love to break ‘em off a piece of that…

Putz’s Pretzels? … Fold Golds?

Hostess Hoo-Has.  Wait, you did 2 so… um… 3 Muff-keteers.

Golden Clams Cereal: “How do they cram all that clam?!?”

Famous Anus

Charleston Cooze

Double Muffed Whore-e-Os… the part the censors didn’t show you from Total Recall

What about … twatchamacallit? … Milky Spray Bars?

I don’t know, but it makes me vertically smile.  How about Slutter-Fingers?

And every anatomy teacher needs a set of Wax Labia.

And in the sense you’re using the term, we’re all anatomy teachers.

Mississippi sex ed teaches that sexually active girls are like used cookies: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/04/11/this-is-how-bizarre-and-ineffective-sex-education-is-in-mississippi-schools/

And finally tonight, from the “Vicious Killers Out Toddling the Streets” file, Pakistani authorities have dismissed attempted murder charges against Mohammad Musa, who was wanted on multiple felony accounts including the attempted murder of a police officer.  When the charges were dismissed, Musa had no comment for the press, because he’s a nine month old baby.

To be fair, that’s an 18-month-old, in religion years.  Full year and a half.  Why don’t they celebrate their zygote day, instead of their birthday, if that’s when life began?!?

I tried and tried to discover that this story was satire, but it turns out, not so much.  And we’re not talking about a case where this baby just happened to have the same name as some wanted murderer or anything.  The cops literally said this infant was part of a mob that attacked police in January when he was going through his rebellious 6 month old phase.  They even fingerprinted the little guy for fuck’s sake.

I’m picturing the defendant in bronzed shoes, shackled together, for the hearing.

Admittedly, this story has absolutely nothing to do with religion, but holy shit, how could I pass up on an opportunity to close on, “That’s one mean baby”?

Pakistani courts drop attempted murder charges against 9 month old baby: http://www.ctvnews.ca/world/pakistani-judge-dismisses-charges-against-9-month-old-accused-of-attempted-murder-1.1772973

So Heath, thanks as always.

Evil Babies!!

And when we come back, we’re gonna try to figure out why they named Blow Jobs after such a miserable dude.

Poem – Job

My name is Job and I’m righteous;

Of all the people on the globe I’m the nicest;

When you come to my abode, I’ll show kindness;

The tales about my moral code? They’ll be timeless.

I’m rollin’ in goats; I got camels, see?

I could fill a motherfuckin’ boat; when I travel; Be-

Cause it’s way too much to tote; all my mammals; Please

Don’t think I mean to gloat; but my family?

I got ten kids and they’re rich as hell;

There’s mom’s a pretty hot bitch as well;

It’s a motherfuckin’ mountain from which I fell.

Cause I gotta story about a switch to tell… You see,

There’s a fella named God; and he’s heinous;

You might have heard about all his flawed views on gayness;

Anyway, he told the devil to applaud; cause I’m blameless

But the devil said I was a fraud; what an anus.

So the devil offered him a deal and he took it,

Forgive me if I kinda feel it was crooked,

Even though my life was lived ideal, he forsook it,

So he put me through every damn ordeal in his book, it…

Started when he sent a burglar to take my shit.

Then he decides to murder my fucking kids;

Any impartial observer’d have to admit,

My righteous ass didn’t deserve all the stuff he did.

The devil said I hadn’t had enough; that Satanic whore.

So in addition to this stuff, god adds even more.

I guess he had to leave me suffering on the floor;

So he covered me in rough, cracked and bleeding sores.

But I wasn’t dissuaded at all, my friends;

My life has surely been downgraded, all but condemned,

But I never was persuaded to fall to sin,

My misery left me jaded, and small, and then…

All my pals showed up to console me; ostensibly.

You see they kept trying to cajole me offensively.

Into thinking this was all a toll that god sensibly

Was exacting from my soul quite expensively.

But I insisted that my suffering was undeserved.

And still they went on muttering undeterred.

This, that and another thing, so absurd…

“Motherfucker was I stuttering? Mark my words!”

“I didn’t do shit to have earned this fate!”

But they never seem to get that there’s no debate.

So eventually they quit and I’m left to wait

Until god decides he won his bet. I say, “Bitch, you’re late.”

He said he was the alpha and the omega and all that jazz.

I said “Did you hear me when I begged you to make this pass?”

He said “Motherfucker, I’m your maker, which means, alas,

That if I decide I wanna break you, I’ll break your ass.”

And that’s the closest that he comes to explaining why;

Gives me all new young, what a stand up guy.

If there’s anything to take from this book and apply,

It’s that life is probably gonna fuck you before you die.

Babble

The book of Job is dense; morbid; repetitive and dull, but on the bright side, it’s the first thing I’ve read in the bible that left me thinking “Yeah, okay, I can see having that in your book of morals.”  Not too rapey, not too xenophobic… no begats.

I’ll save everyone some time.  Skip Job, and go see Fiddler on the Roof, which is an allegory in musical form.  Better yet, skip both, and just remember to nod, smile, and bend over so God can smite you.

I was gonna recommend perusing a “Shit Happens” bumper sticker.  Anyway, joining us to tackle this infamous tale of perverse gambling addiction is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, what did you think of this one?

It was weird.  Parts of it were good but it didn’t seem like it belonged there… or made any real sense.  It was kinda like the Tom Bombadil part of Lord of the Rings in that way.

Fair enough.  So get us started if you don’t mind.

1. Job doesn’t fuck around.  We get action quick.  So in chapter one we learn that Job is rolling in sheep and donkeys and loves him some god.  But Satan shows up and says, “Well sure, you’re giving him camels.  But if you didn’t give him camels he’d go all Noah and Heath on you.”

• And apparently hypothetical challenges like that work on omnipotent gods.

1. Right so god says, “Oh yeah?” and all at once he kills all his donkeys and camels and sheep and kids.  All ten of his kids.  But all Job does is shave his head and say, “Fuck it.  God is still awesome.”

• So we get full confirmation that God’s a degenerate gambler in the first chapter.  When some guy walks in and immediately starts instigating this elaborate bet about human nature … Oh, and the guy is the SATAN you created … You should maybe think twice.

1. But Satan points out (and rightly so) that God didn’t actually do anything to Job.  I mean, having your kids and your donkeys killed sucks and all, but it sucks a lot more for the donkeys and kids than the dude who possesses them.
   1. So once again god goes all “Oh yeah?” on him and covers Job with festering sores.

• And to provide comfort, from his festering body sores, his three male friends show up, tear off their robes, cover themselves in sand, and lay with him silently in a naked pile for an entire week, likely creating a pearly white mass.

1. Then Job spends a chapter poetically wishing he’d never been born.
   1. Yes and I think that it’s worth pointing out that the thing that distinguishes biblical poetry from biblical prose is that in the poetry each line is followed by another line that says exactly the same thing.  So yes, the poetry is even more repetitive than the prose.

• Repetetive, boring, and creepy.  At one point in his poem, Job wishes he had been a miscarriage, or at the very least for his mom to have no breasts so he would die of MIDS, or Milk-less Infant Death Syndrome.

1. Right.  So boo-hoo, I’m covered in festering sores and my kids are dead…

• So his friend Eliphaz finally speaks up: “Would you feel better if I told you … it’s impossible to understand the decisions of an imperceptible deity? … No?”

1. And all Job’s buddies are telling him, “You should look into this god thing, cause, you know, he can sort this shit out for you.”

• Yeah, we’re a modern nomadic desert tribe.  People don’t just get skin problems unless they broke a god rule.  You must have broken a god rule.

1. But Job says… a whole bunch of shit, but basically it’s a really drawn out “Fuck off.”
   1. And it’s more tedious than you can imagine.  It’s page after page of shit like: “In times of heat they despair; when it is hot, they vanish from their place.  The caravans turn aside from their course; they go up into the waste and perish.  The caravans of Tema look, the travelers of Sheba hope.  They are disappointed because they were confident; they come there and are confounded”…  Brutal.
2. —
3. But despite Job’s poetic bellyaching to the contrary, his friends are insistent.  They tell him, “look dude, for your life to suck this bad, you must have done something to piss god off.”

• You must have worn a tassle with no sub-tassles or something.

1. And Job says, “Well what am I gonna do?  Call his 800 number?  Tell him he fucked up and hit the wrong guy with all those boils and calamities?”
2. But he can’t just say it like that.  Instead we get three straight chapters of melodramatic teenager Facebook posts.
   1. Teenagers don’t use Facebook.
   2. Okay, MySpace. Whatever.
   3. I think they’re dialing up to those Prodigy newsgroups now.
3. And still his friends insist he’s gotta be fucking the babysitter or something.
4. —
5. Please stop terrorizing me.  And can you send me a copy of the parking ticket, just so I know what I did.  Or just do anything.  Flash your brights.
6. And damn is this thing dense.  I read through whole chapters and then stopped and said, “what the fuck did I just read?”  It’s like a middle-schooler trying to be Shakespearean.
7. Then Eliphaz brings up a good point… in 35 verbose stanzas.  He basically says, “Job, how can you say you didn’t do anything to piss off god when pretty much everything pisses off god?”
8. Then Job answers… in thirty eight verbose stanzas, “Woe is me, woe is me and fuck off, the lot of you.”
9. –
10. And despite his relentless bemoaning, his buddies are still trying to cheer him up, so Bildad chimes in.
    1. Yeah and he tells Job to quit his bellyaching.  And Bildad wants to say, “God punishes people who do bad shit.”  Why can’t he just say that?  Can’t he just say that.
11. And then Job bitches and moans some more anyway .
12. —
13. And it just goes on like that for a long time.  Job will say “Shit happens” then one of his friends will say “shit doesn’t happen” and then he’ll say “shit happens” and so on.
14. And it really demonstrates the problem with the whole god concept.  Because at a certain point his buddies are just throwing shit at the wall to see if it’ll stick.  In chapter 22 Eliphaz says, “Have you tried giving away all your shit?  That’s a good idea when you’re covered in boils and unemployable, right?”

• Maybe you’re saying the prayers wrong?  Or maybe it was your whore-daughter?  Did you forget to stone your whore-daughter?

1. —
2. And Job actually makes some pretty good arguments for atheism in it… or at least deism.  He’s pointing out to everybody how wicked people don’t always get what’s coming to them and good people like himself get ass raped by fate from time to time.  But his buddies aren’t buying it.
3. And then we get chapter 25 which is my favorite and not because it’s a sixth as long as the other chapters.  But Bildad is rebutting Job’s claim that he’s living a pure life and he basically says, “Well… you did come out of a vagina.”
   1. Right, Job 25:4 “How can one born of a woman be pure.”

• That’s why a lot of Jewish communities are now hatching their kids, like in “Aliens”.

1. —
2. —
3. As I’m reading this thing I was dreading doing this segment.  Because what is there to say, “And the friends say ‘the exact same shit again’ and then Job says, ‘the exact same shit again’”?
4. Yep.  Either Job is saying he wishes he was dead or he’s pining for the good old days.
5. …fucking tedious.
6. I love that in chapter 31 Job’s talking about how moral he is and he says, “Have I not been good to my slaves?”… Yeah, what possible immoral act could you be doing here?

• Yeah it said he addressed all their grievances fairly, as long as their grievance wasn’t “I’m a fucking slave.”

1. He also says, “If my heart has been enticed by a woman let other dudes rape my wife, for that would be just”.  So yeah, Job was a stand up guy.

• I think Job 31:31 is relevant here … (quote) “[…] Those of my household have never said ‘Who has not been filled with Job’s meat?'”

1. Then this YouTube comments debate between Job and his buddies draws to a merciful close; but as soon as it does, Elihu chimes in.
   1. Just in case you hadn’t gotten your fill of repetitive poetic debate.
2. And Elihu is basically pissed at all of Job’s friends for not proving that he was a sinful asshole.
3. —
4. And this goes on for chapters and chapters.  And for all of those people who tell me that there’s some deep beauty to this book… look, chapter 36 contains the phrase, “Truly my words are not false.”  That’s shit writing.  I’m sorry.

• Yeah that’s the second line of an 7-year-old’s first haiku.  Granted a 7-year-old that can count up to their age, but they’re not bringing much more to the table …  “And-Po-Em-Is-Done.”

1. And the whole Elihu bit was clearly added after somebody read through this book and realized it made a great case for telling the clergy to fuck off.  I mean, the clear message in this whole thing is “You can do everything god wants and he’ll still kill your kids and fill your rectum with boils,” so the prolonged Elihu speech is inserted to mitigate that a bit.
2. And his whole argument could basically be summed up as “Sure, Job’s getting ass fucked here, but look at trees!”

• And Job’s like: “What about trees?” … “Bend over, and I’ll show you.”

1. Then finally God shows up, late to the comment thread as always.
   1. And his answer is no better than Job’s buddies.
   2. Yeah, he basically tells him to rub some dirt in it.

• Pour some Jobitussin on it.

1. So god goes on with a checklist of everything he’s ever done from making horses jump to putting stars in the heavens in this perpetual “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch” speech.

• Right – God clearly doesn’t want to admit that Satan tricked him into another bet, like he’s Nathan Detroit from Guys and Dolls … So he goes on a rant that ends with Zach Galifinakis describing the eagle: (quote) “It dwells on a cliff and stays there at night; a rocky crag is its stronghold. From there it looks for food; its eyes detect it from afar. Its young ones feast on blood, and where the slain are, there it is.” (end quote) … So God’s big final reveal is that he invented birds that eat decomposing dead animals.

1. And he gets so carried away listing his accomplishments that he starts making shit up.  I mean, what was all that behemoth shit about?

• I guess the Bible needed some science cred, so they wrote in some cryptozoology.  And as it turns out, God has some weird bestiality issues … Because he’s clearly sexually attracted to the enormous liquid-metal land beast he created.  And all the descriptions were weird, loins-region body parts that should really be pointed to on a doll.

1. Yeah, and the fire-sneezing leviathan… God’s challenging Job and he might as well be saying, “Well what right do you have to question me?  You can’t even catch a snipe.”
   1. Guessing from my knowledge of 80s action movies, I think that’s the thing Jesus will have to fight at the end.  Like, the boss villain.

• I can already picture Charlton Heston, standing in the middle of the Jordan river, shooting a whale in the face with an AK-47.

1. And in the end god gave Job new camels and children and he lived happily ever after.

• And he’s not even Jewish!!!  They better be careful giving whole books to a gentile … Or else someone’s gonna hijack your protagonist, get him killed, and blame you for the murder.

Job is generally held to be the oldest book in the bible, but it’s certainly not the longest.  That honor goes to the insanely long fucker we’ve got coming up next; Psalms.  A hundred and fifty of those motherfuckers.

I quit.

Instead, can we listen to 150 hours of Ted Nugent singing?  Or 150 hours of Ted Nugent talking?  While he gives us a sandpaper colonoscopy?

Too late.  But the good news is that buried somewhere in the midst of all that crap is the midway point of the bible so we’re getting there.

Outro

Before we retreat to our coffins tonight, I wanted to offer a quick thanks to everyone at the Georgia Southern Secular Student Alliance for inviting me out to chat with them for Ask an Atheist Day.  I had a blast, we’ll have to do it again sometime.  We recorded a Farnsworth Quote while I was there… or at least we thought we did, but I didn’t double check the settings on my recorder so we didn’t, which pisses me off because it was a good one, but other than that, hell of a night.  Thanks to Don, Craig, Brendan, Wendell, Zach, Chris… the long haired dude… the two girl’s whose name I never caught and everybody I’m forgetting to name.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you for the night, but if you want more, there’s more.  You can catch me for a few seconds on the latest episode of the Herd Mentality with Adam Reakes, and if that’s not enough (and it’s not), you can also catch me on Atheistically Speaking with Thomas and special guest CJ Werleman on Monday.  I’ll also be on Atheist Hangouts with Gamma Atheist next Saturday, that’s the 26th and that’ll be live; I’ll have the links for it on the shownotes for this episode.

Herd Mentality

Atheistically Speaking

Atheist Hangouts

Of course I need to thank Heath for not making it too obvious how much funnier than me he is, I need to thank Lucinda for taking the bible like a champ, and of course, I need to thank Katja for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, though I think we’ll need more than that before we’re willing to forgive you for Ken Ham.  I’m thinking the Southern Cross and that big ass rock you guys have.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most dedicated deuterostomes; Steve, William, Leo, Alden, Ryan, Aiden, Andrew, Matt, Jeff, Cameron, James, Keovar, Stuart, other Steve, Nick, Adam, Alan and Joel.  Steve, William and Leo, whose testicles have lagrangian points; Alden, Ryan and Aiden, whose intellects are so powerful their brains eat zombies; Andrew, Matt and Jeff, whose nunchaku skills are the only thing Putin truly fears; Cameron, James and Keovar, who are so sexy even blind people masturbate to their pictures; Stuart, Other Steve and Nick, whose erections would make Spiderman feel acrophobic; and Adam, Alan and Joel, who are so cool they’re measured in Kelvin.

Together, these eighteen sexy bastards earned the right to call themselves super-atheists this week by giving us money.  Only the most heroic and virtuous listeners have what it takes to give us money, but if you were looking for an excuse to wear a cape anyway, you can help support our efforts by making a per episode donation at Pateron (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist or you can make a one time donation by going to Scathing Atheist (dot) com and clicking on the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage.

And, of course, if you want to help us but your money’s still tied up in that reversible condom concept, you can always leave us a review on iTunes or download the Stitcher app, check us out there and show us some love in the comments.  And oh yeah, we’re really close to our 2000th Twitter follower so be sure to volunteer for that honor, too.  And oh other yeah, but the book on Amazon.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.