Posts Tagged ‘atheist humor’

Episode 139 – Shownotes

October 15, 2015 1 comment

Click Here to make a per episode donation at

Click Here to listen to the episode.

Click Here to buy our book.

Click Here to check out The Skepticrat.

Click Here to check out God Awful Movies.


Click Here to learn more about the Atheist Alliance conference in Atlanta


Click Here to follow the Chairman of Guam on Twitter

Click Here for more info on Knoxville Atheists


Anti-Muslim rallies around the country:

TX gov. blasts malicious atheists over cop car Jesus sticker controversy:

USAF contractor allegedly fired for being a witch:

Catholic priest suspended after saying pedophelia is the fault of children “seeking affection”

Bobby Jindal: “Presidential prayers would solve gun violence”

CA Pastor: “Vampires are polluting our minds”:

More southerners freaking out about schools acknowledging existence of Islam:

Mother Teresa’s charity ends India adoptions for fear of gays and divorcees:

India seeks astrologer’s help to keep pilgrimage safe:

Theodore Shoebat: Homosexuality leads to cannibalism; also, kill non-Christians:


Nigerian Pastor: “Women who fuck from above will spend eternity down below”

Saudi Cleric: In the afterlife, the virgin’s breasts are like pomegranates:

Bristol Palin pissed that women are getting free birth control:

Episode 137 – Shownotes

October 1, 2015 2 comments

Click Here to make a per episode donation at

Click Here to listen to the episode.

Click Here to buy our book.

Click Here to check out The Skepticrat.

Click Here to check out God Awful Movies.


Click Here to learn more about the Central New York Humanist’s screening of Chris Johnson’s A Better Life in Syracuse, October 18th.


Over 700 killed in Hajj stampede:

Congressman steals pope’s glass because it’s magical

Pastor Manning completely loses his shit at a bunch of protestors:

Ecuador’s Got Talent host bitches at 16 year old contestant for being an atheist:

Fat guy in a red hat gets schooled on national television:

Trump suggests law requiring stores to say “Merry Christmas”

Oath keepers vow to protect Jesus sign

ISIS terrorized Sylvanian family banned from free speech exhibit:


Dumbass pastor: Christian women are just prettier:

MRA asshats start “No Hymen No Diamond” campaign:

Women’s groups urge Pope to end misogyny: and Pope urges women to remain with sexist church despite sexism:

Episode 136 – Shownotes

September 24, 2015 2 comments

Click Here to make a per episode donation at

Click Here to listen to the episode.

Click Here to buy our book.

Click Here to check out The Skepticrat

Click Here to check out God Awful Movies

Calendar Links:

Carolinas Secular Conference, October 2nd to 4th:

Washington Area Secular Humanist Regional Conference in Lynchburg, October 2nd to 4th:

FFRF’s 38th Annual National Convention in Madison, October 9th and 10th:

October 13th, debate UCSD featuring Matt Dillahunty

Atheist Alliance of America National Convention in Atlanta, October 15th-18th:

Headline Links:

Using tax dollars on upcoming papal visit: and/or New report suggests Vatican is still playing three pedophile monte: and Bishop blames child sex abuse victims as accomplices:

Satanists put a stop to FL invocations:

Mom court ordered to attend religious parenting classes:

OK teacher orders 4-year-old to stop being left-handed because it’s evil:

Ben Carson says Muslims unfit to be president:

Jim Bakker: “Stockpile food or your neighbors will eat babies”

Kim Davis continues to be a horrible bitch: also

Christian fired for recommending Audacity to lesbian co-workers:

Christians freak the fuck out over gay doritos:

Episode 125 – Shownotes

Click Here to make a per episode donation at

Click Here to listen to the episode.

Click Here to buy our book.

Click Here to check out The Skepticrat

Guest Link:

Click Here to learn more about the Aussie Skeptic Convention

Headline Links:

“Entire Staff” (read ‘three people’) resign from TN clerk’s office over gay marriage:

Iceland votes to repeal blasphemy law:

Duck Dynasty side character: Atheists can’t exist because our calendars are based on Jesus:

Australian church literature: Hug of over 20 seconds will make teenagers fuck:

Norway Catholic church inflates membership numbers, defrauds government out of $5 million

Mat Staver: Soon kindergartners will be encouraged to try gay sex:

Episode 104 Show Notes

February 12, 2015 2 comments

Click Here to make a per episode donation at

Click Here to listen to the episode.

Click Here to buy our book.

Calendar Links:

Texas Secular Convention in Austin:

Unholy Trinity Tour in Australia:

Reason in the Rock in Little Rock, Arkansas:

Freethought Festival in Madison, Wisconsin:

SASHACon in Columbia, Missouri:

The AHS Convention in London:

Headline Links:

Bill Donohue demands Obama apologize for pointing out that Christians also kill people:

Fox News guest: “Christianphobia is prevalent among thinkers.”

Pastor pretends to be attacked by black dude:

Why Roy Moore is blocking gay marriage licenses:

Fox “Historian” claims evidence that Jonah really was swallowed by that whale:

Australian Rabbis plead ignorance on “no molesting kids” secular laws:

Pope supports beating children:

Psychic missing people finder service:

Joe Barton changes bill number from 666:

Muslim historian says women aren’t allowed to drive because of the raping:

This Week in Misogyny:

WV Republican “Rape can be beautiful”

Utah Republican endorses spousal rape:

Missouri Gubernatorial Hopeful: The real cause of rape is abortion and contraception:

Court: firing a woman for breastfeeding isn’t sexist because men can lactate, too

“How Bullshit is it?” Resources:



Episode 103 – Show Notes

February 5, 2015 Leave a comment

Click Here to Nominate us for a Podcast Award.

Or Click Here to Nominate us for a Podcast Award (we want you to have options)

Click Here to make a per episode donation at

Click Here to listen to the episode.

Click Here to buy our book.

Guest Links:

The ORLY Radio Podcast:

Headline Links:

Diatribe story and study: and

Ken Ham pissed that Superbowl ad references evolution:

Bryan Fischer kind of fired, but not really:

Chris Christie calls for “balanced” approach to childhood vaccination: <<AND>>

Southern Baptist convention takes “nigga” pastor to task for theological minutia… ignores him saying “nigga”

Pastor Manning ups the ante of fucking nuts:

200 Year old mummy only “mostly dead” according to idiots:

Employee wins lawsuit after refusing to use hand scanner because the devil:

Community residents complain about atheist billboard; billboard taken down:

Mitt Romney cheats us out of a year and a half of easy Mormon jokes:

This Week in Misogyny:

Iranian atheletes warned not to take selfies with women:

Saudi Arabia proposes separate Olympics for men and women:

Muslim women in LA start a ladies mosque:

Episode 82 – Show Notes

September 11, 2014 1 comment

CLICK HERE for more info on the AHA’s Pledge of Allegiance Protest


Click Here to make a per episode donation at

Click Here to listen to the episode.

Click Here to buy the book.



Dalai Lama decides not to reincarnate again:

Kevin Sorbo to Jews: “But you guys did kill Jesus.”

Two Diocese fight over the remains of a dead man:

Top Gun is no place for atheists:

AHA urges students to stay seated during pledge: also AHA site for people who get in trouble:

Jesus on a moth: and a p

Nazi liberals preventing the censorship that the poor conservative masses need to survive:

Phil Robertson to ISIS: Convert or die:

Christians to protest Cowboys signing Michael Sam:



Marc Driscoll: “Women are penis homes”:

Scalia: Women swearing is destroying society:

Jogging federal Marshall fucks up asshole who yanks down her shorts:



Pastor: Imprison gays for 10 years of hard labor:

Harlem Church needs bigger sign to hold all its bigotry:

TN Megachurch pastor: Gays should be put to death:

Pat Robertson: Gay son just needs more well-oiled men in his life:




Episode 77 – Partial Transcript

August 7, 2014 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints.



LINK TO ADAM’S PODCAST (The Herd Mentality)


Link to Noah’s appearance on Atheistically Speaking (Part One and Part Two)

Link to Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories

Link to Matt Dillahunty’s video on Secular Morality



Warning: You should have peed before you left.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by “Whore-Ox Bleach,” Abstain-Remover.

So for all you recently deconverted theists still struggling to overcome the sexual taboos imbedded in your mind by decades of slut-shaming, hell-mongering and bedroom advice from celibate pedophiles, try our extra strength suppositories and we promise they won’t be the last thing you stick in your ass.

“Whore-Ox Bleach,” safe for both whites and coloreds… even at the same time… and that’s okay now.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s August 7th,

And evolution’s so easy, a caveman can do it.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright, and from pluralistic New York, New York,

And “as monochromatic as legally enforceable” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • We learn that God never learned to drive stick,
  • A Louisiana archdiocese will play “Three Pedophile Monte,”
  • And the gays ruin Christian orphan hoarding for everyone.

But first, the Diatribe…



Of all the arrows in the apologist’s quiver, you’ve gotta figure the whole, “Where do atheists get their morals?” bit has to be the last one they want to shoot.  Because what they’re saying at that point is essentially, “I know we’re wrong, but if we admit it was all a lie, we’d all be raping each other’s ear-holes by September.”

It’s such a baffling question to me because it rests on the assumption that morality comes from god… but doesn’t everything come from god if you’re a theist?  How is this any different than asking, “Without god, where do atheists get their orgasms?”  Why are morals always singled out?

Now, obviously there’s a more nuanced form of this than the ear-hole rape version.  They say that morals need an absolute, right?  Otherwise you descend into moral relativism, in which case you have to admit that a culture can dictate what’s moral.  They like to say that without an absolute moral authority to appeal to, there can only be moral change, not moral advancement.

Obviously there’s too much wrong with this argument to cram it all in one diatribe.  I mean… there’s no divine authority on health or technology and those things can advance.  I don’t need a man in the sky to tell me that my phone is superior to a loom.  I know it because I have an objective standard… you know, like the ones we have for morality… harm, freedom, equality… that kind of shit.

And despite the spurious series of assumptions this nonsense apologetic relies on, there are plenty of theists that actually think it is some sort of checkmate.  They say, “Morals must come from god, so if there’s no god, there’s no morals.”  But they just… changed the definition of morals, right?  I mean, the dictionary calls morals, “a person’s standard of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.”  No mention of god there.

It’s like saying that from now on the definition of the word “egg” includes, “perfectly cubed,” and then lamenting the fact that there are no true eggs anymore.  Matt Dillahunty has a great video, and I’ll link to it on the shownotes for this episode, where he argues that not only is a secular morality superior to a religious morality but, in fact, secular morality is the only kind that exists.

Now, a lot of atheists will demonstrate this fact by pointing to something we can all agree is immoral, but isn’t touched on in the bible.  You ask them, “So, do you think slavery is immoral?” and they say, “Yes,” because they’re afraid a black person might hear them and you say, “So why do you think that’s immoral?  Never says that in your bible.  God never says slavery is immoral.  You just know it is because your secular morals tell you it is.”

This might be effective sometimes, but it sort of misses their point.  Because these people think the Holy Ghost lives in their head and gives them instructions, like the little alien that drives Oprah Winfrey.  So when you say “it isn’t in the bible,” they say, “well god just whispered it into my brain,” and somehow they don’t recognize how batshit insane that sounds.  And among the advantages of this line of, let’s call it “thinking,” is that it also immunizes them in case you point out that atheists are, by reasonable measures, as moral as religious people.  Well of course we are, because god is whispering right from wrong into our brains, too; we just don’t realize it.

Of course, they’re only that sophisticated with their stupid when they have to be.  I’ve spoken with a number of theists that were genuinely curious what kept me from raping immigrants.  They like to paint this hellish picture of what the world would look like without the threat of sky-daddy’s brimstone-timeouts.  And if you counter by pointing out that the least religious nations are the most lawful and the most religious nations are the most violent, they’ll retreat to prehistory and talk about how bad civilization would have been without the advantage of the “Divine Ass Rape of Damocles.”

But in truth, the last thing they should want to bring up is morality.  It’s the weakest link in their chain and it’s my favorite way of pointing out what’s so damn dangerous about religion.  When theists ask me where I get my morals, I prefer to tell them where I don’t get them.  I don’t get them from absolute authorities.  I don’t get them from ancient texts.  I don’t get them from voices in my head.  I don’t get them from somebody whose moral authority rests solely on his mastery of mythology.  I don’t get them from a book that so readily offered moral justifications for slavery, institutionalized sexism, child abuse, genocide and torture.

So where do morals come from?  I don’t know.  Where do fantasies come from?  Where do ideas come from?  Where do fears and fallacies come from?  Tell you what, theists, I’ll make you a deal.  We rationalists will keep looking into that and when we have a definitive answer, we’ll get back to you.  All we ask in return is that between now and then you refrain from nuking the fucking planet over that extremely moral institutions you keep talking about.



Joining me for headlines tonight is adverbally adjective-ish, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to verb?

I’d like to verb my noun on S.E. Cupp’s face … Will we get a chance to look into that???

I’d commission a mural of it on my ceiling.

Two pearls one Cupp … In our lead story tonight, from the “Foxy Moron” file, conservative atheist political pundette S.E. Cupp – after her daily shift behind the glass as prize specimen at the Exotic Republican Zoo – proclaimed during a video for CNN’s Crossfire, that conservative atheists are better at godlessness that liberal atheists.  Then she got back inside the glass walls and ceiling for the evening shift …

I hear they used to have soundproof glass but they learned that as long as people could hear her, they didn’t need the jizz mopper.

On the outside wall, anyway.  And women don’t usually have enough power to reach the glass ceiling … So I thought she might talk about how liberalism more closely aligns with the teachings of Jesus than conservativism … That wouldn’t have helped her case … <Not really> but it would have been better than her actual argument … which went something like this: “Atheist Republicans – who are beholden to a constituency full of evangelicals – are forced to feign imaginary sympathy more than atheist Democrats … And that makes conservative atheists better … Because intellectual honesty is … bad– sputter sputter sputter hissssssss.”  

I saw an interesting counter-argument by somebody named ‘The Exact Same Bitch Making a Contradictory Point,’ who said (quote) “In fact, I’d go so far as to say conservatism is far more intellectually honest and respectful of atheism than liberalism has been.” (end quote) So… sorry to interrupt, Southeast, you were saying something about ‘Intellectual honesty?’

Her remarks start to make a little more sense when you consider Cupp’s description of her personal brand of monotheistic atheism (quote) “I don’t believe in God, but I’m not mad at him either.” (end quote) … So unlike Bill Maher – who she castigates for being radically zero-godded – Cupp subscribes to a more accommodating, moderate sect of atheism called Christianity … She believes in half a god as a compromise, but rounds it up to one if she’s on FOX.

That’s odd… because usually Christian gods come in thirds.

Right … zero thirds.

CNN’s S.E. Cupp: “Conservative atheists are better.”:

And in “It’s not like they didn’t pay for their own lube” news tonight, Minneapolis archbishop John C. Nienstedt is refusing to relinquish his post an awful lot these days.  Nienstedt is facing calls for his resignation from prominent Catholics, local politicians, state newspapers, the kid’s whose asses he allowed to be raped and all other people who are familiar with this situation on even a cellular level; but Nienstedt vows to continue fighting for the rights of priests to molest children with impunity but pretends it’s because he really loves running the soup kitchen.

Here’s the problem though … You can’t just conjure up new clergy on command.  It’s not so easy to find someone who can read, ladle, and not abuse kids.

While he freely admits that he mishandled abuse allegations in the past, he did vociferously deny that he was actively engaged in homosexual relationships, which prompted reporters to point out that nobody was saying he was, to which he responded, (quote) “Good, because I’m not,” (end quote).

“You want me to go have penis-vagina sex right now?!? … With an adult … I’ll do it!!!”

The actual defense he’s using here is the claim that while he was shown memos about problem priests, he didn’t fully grasp the scope of the troubles until last fall.  Last Fall!?  As in since we’ve been doing this show.  So the guy who runs the diocese was less informed on the catholic child-fucking thing than Heath and me until ten months ago, when his chancellor of canonical affairs resigned her position in disgust and went public with the information.  So yes, his story is that the person who quit her job because of his refusal to adequately address these allegations never told him about the allegations.

Sounds like this guy’s had his head up his ass … or someone else’s … for decades.  

Critics of Nienstedt, also known as “humans” note that this guy is egregious even compared to other Catholic molestor-enablers.  Minnesota Lawyer Jeff Anderson describes the abuse under Nienstedt’s supervision (quote) “among the most grave we’re ever encountered” (end quote).  And as if to demonstrate the astounding extent to which he doesn’t get it, when describing his renewed commitment to protecting children from sexual abuse, the words he chose were promising to (I shit you not this is what he said) “take a more hands on approach” (end quote).

Minnesota Priest Refuses to resign; defends handling of sex abuse scandal:

And in “Psychics prophesize failure to predict things, thus failing” news … Exactly zero of the thousands of self-proclaimed magical people in the world, have managed to cash in on the long-standing enormous money offer from famous skeptic James Randi.  So assuming magic clearly exists … It seems every single prophet, astrologer, warlock, and faith healer … has an ethical dilemma about taking a million dollars from an atheist and donating it to charity.

Most interesting, from an ethical perspective, is the fact that it’s only the real wizards that refuse to take the test.  Because the fake ones are just lining up…

As many of you may know, the James Randi Educational Foundation has offered a one million dollar prize to anyone that can demonstrate a supernatural ability under legitimate experimental conditions.  This has existed since 1996, and was also offered in smaller sums going back to 1964.  So again, given magic clearly exists, that’s half a century of assholes that can do magic, but won’t share it with the world unless they’re standing next to a dumbwaiter.

But it’s worth noting that the Million Dollar Challenge isn’t limited to warlocks and astrologers.  It covers all kinds of bullshit esoteric claims like being able to audibly differentiate between Monster Cables and a cable that costs 90% less.

Since the prize was first offered, over a thousand wizards have been tested, and none of them have even passed the preliminary test, designed by the wizard, and agreed upon in advance by both parties as a pre-requisite proof of concept.  This fact is cited by critics, suggesting Randi is using anti-magic and confundus charms to hinder applicants.  This same fact is cited by Randi as evidence that magic doesn’t exist.

That’s the funniest part of this thing to me.  They make sure that every claimant agrees that the testing protocol is fair beforehand.  So 100% of the claimants will tell you before the test that the metrics are fair; and almost the same percentage will tell you afterwards that they aren’t.

The most recent attempt at the million – by Dragon Ball Z character, Mr. Fei Wang – was the final event at TAM 2014 in Las Vegas last month.  If you don’t know already … Show of hands … Who thinks he won the million? … You guys are a smart audience … So despite Wang’s best efforts, during his preliminary test, he was unable to shoot invisible energy balls through cardboard, any better than placebo Goku, Jamy Ian Swiss.  In fact, Liu Kang was clearly worse.  The data from that experiment show Mr. Swiss is actually batting a thousand at shooting invisible energy balls.  Next year at TAM, he may fight Raiden.

Qi-gonger loses MDC:

And in “Mike and Mike in the Morning Mass” news tonight, Congressional Republicans Mike Enzi and Mike Kelly have proposed legislation that would protect the rights of religious adoption agencies to violate the rights of other people.  The bill uses vague language to avoid actually saying “fudge-packers” in the bill, instead carrying on with references to “sincerely held religious beliefs” and the “moral convictions of the provider.”  This is obviously a political ploy to allow southern representatives to later argue that they thought the bill was to keep white kids from being adopted by the negroes.

It’s adoptions or abortions … Can’t have it both ways.

Now, I think it’s worth noting exactly what they’re trying to protect here.  Even in the states that fully recognize gay marriage, there’s no law that says that adoption agencies have to give kids to gay couples.  It’s just that some of them say that state-funded adoption agencies have to.  So it’s okay to use needy children as a political weapon in your futile effort to maintain pre-renaissance morality, you just can’t do it on the taxpayer’s dime.  Which means that the proposed bill wouldn’t so much insulate the adoption agencies from anti-discrimination laws, since they’re already exempted from them.  It would protect the bigots rights to have their bigotry financed by the government.

Basic freedoms … Now I’m aware that people hate to hear about boring shit like relevant data, but they’re gonna today.  Numerous recent studies show that children raised by same-sex couples are – if anything – given better parenting on average.  

Well sure, obviously, because all gay parents and intentionally parents.  You can’t accidentally become a gay parent.

Right, they weren’t born gay parents.  It’s a choice.  But for all practical purposes, potential adopters should really only need to outperform orphanages.  Gay parents beating straight parents was gravy.

And the gays do like their gravy.  Catholic adoption agencies have grown particularly adept at the weaponization of orphans over the past decade.  In several instances they’ve famously shut down adoption services statewide rather than abide by the principles of equality.  They’ve literally stopped helping children altogether because they’ve prioritized their malignant xenophobia over the welfare of parentless children.  And think about what a sacrifice it is for a bunch of Catholic priests to just walk away from a bunch of helpless, rape-ripe orphans.  So they’re serious about this shit.

Yeah … “Weaponized Orphans” … That actually happened.  Church-run shelters in Colorado and Illinois basically threatened to throw an orphan out of the airplane every ten minutes, until they got their bigotry subsidy check from the government.

New law would shield religious adoption agencies from discrimination laws:

And from the “Awkward but Well-funded Reunion” file, this year marks the tenth anniversary of the legal settlement in which the Roman Catholic Diocese of Lafayette – in Louisiana – paid out twenty-six million dollars to 123 victims of sexual abuse at the hands of their clergy, dating back to the 1950’s.  Given such a large sum of money, the church feels it’s tacky to ask about minutiae like: “Who are the pedophiles?”

Right… because what were they buying for their twenty-six large if not the retroactive consent of the victims?

In response to justified suspicion that some of the guilty priests are still at large (and even still practicing), The Daily Adviser emailed the diocese, asking which ones – specifically – are the known rapists.  Their response was basically: “Why? … No! … You are!” … According to a response email from the in-house publicist they require, the bishop in charge of the place, Michael Jarrell, (quote) “sees no purpose in such action.” (end quote) … No purpose!!!

I believe they then added (quote) “Do you know how hard it is to fuck kids these days when you’re a Catholic Priest?  Even the four and five year olds have heard about us by now.  If we told you their names they wouldn’t stand a chance.” (end fake quote)

“So we’ll just need those names, so we can get the anklets installed.” …

“I believe our insurance company paid their debt to society.  Haven’t these pedophiles been punished enough?!?” … No.  No they have not … 

And by the way, I bet the Tea Party would get on board, if you could get settlements like this from your ObamaCare plan.  Jesus is a lot like a pre-existing condition for these kids.  It’s not their fault.

Society: “Which ones are known rapists?” … Church: “Why do you ask?”

And in “Answers in Carcino-Genesis” news tonight, Christianity has discovered the cure for cancer.  And it turns out, and you probably saw this coming, it’s a cross that rises a twenty-third of a mile into the air.  The giant cancer-killing cross is the Kidney-child of couple of Alabama businessmen who are sick and damn tired of the largest cross in the country being in that there state what Lincoln come from.  They hope to raise the estimated $750,000 needed to construct the monstrosity through a crowdfunding site that says, in no uncertain terms, that building giant crosses can cure cancer.  And divorce.

And cancer and divorce keep existing … so “BIGGER!!! … MORE PERPENDICULAR!!!” …

“You idiots!!!  God’s looking from above.  Now he’s gonna think we’re Satanists.  Print ‘THIS SIDE UP’ on the top.”

The miraculous claims come under the “How can I help?” section of the website and somewhere amidst the time-cube level logic (and website presentation), the project’s leaders assert that the giant torture-device-replica could, through the simple merit of being seen by a passing heathen motorist, turn them back to Jesus.  And, as almost goes without saying, thereby heal their devil-cancer and save their marriage.

So the cross won’t even help Christians … It’s a reminder for heathen drifters … Lance Armstrong riding around … “Between divorce and testicle cancer, I’ve literally lost half my shit … I’m so depressed–Oooohhh!!!  What’s that plus sign-y thing?”  

The website also shares the miraculous vision that prompted then 32 year old Jon Butler to dedicate himself to spending double a soup kitchen’s decadal budget building a giant lower-case “t.”  I won’t spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say that before the holy spirit filled him with this vision, the tapedeck on his Chevy Astrovan used to eat cassette tapes.  Afterwards?  Well, like I said, I’m not gonna spoil it.

Giant Alabama cross could heal cancer, promises people trying to build said giant cross:

And in “Jesus Swallows … turns the other cheek, and swallows again” news, Oak Ridge Alliance Church – of Oak Ridge, Tennessee – decided to teach the virtue of forgiveness, with a blow job metaphor on their marquee.  The following message adorned the large sign on their front lawn … at least until one single person who’s heard of mouth sex saw it … (quote) “Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit.” (end quote) …

It’s a shame more pastors don’t read “The Friendly Atheist” blog because Hemant’s been trying to tell them.  Before you go live with the marquee, just run it by one honest fourteen year old.

So I guess … (awful swallowing noise) … Jesus forgives you.  And he clearly fellated some dudes against his will, for our sins … So let’s all be grateful … Okay, we did shitting last week … So speaking of blumpkins … Everyone google “blumpkin”, by the way … I’ll wait …

Because the key to a blumpkin is patience.  You don’t want to finish before you finish.

Blumpkin Donuts: Breakfast of Champions … Moving on quickly–I’m thinkin’ we give the advertising department over at Oak Ridge Alliance Church, some new ideas for the marquee.  We’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Oral Sex” … GO!!!

“Being a Mohel”

“Happy Meals at Chick Fil-A-tio”

“Joshua’s Rusty Trumpet”

“Kneeling Before the Salter”

“The Hobby Lobby Knobby Slobby”… cause I’ve got a belief right here you can “firmly hold”

“Cradling the Holy Sack-rament” … or for the heathens: “Cupping the Baals”

“Tempting the Serpent Right Back”

“Head of the Class in Seminary Fluid Dynamics”

“The Slurpin’ on the Mount”

“Praying to the Foreskin Flute”

“Finding the Little Man in the Ark”

“Ridding Congressional Members of their Boehner” … “Oh what a lovely Tea Party”

“Chrome Your Dome of the Rocks”… “and the rocks”

“Rendering the Tossed Salad Unto Caesar” … AKA “rim Job”

“Kissing the Pope’s other ring”

“Easter Egg McMuff Diving” … No fur burgers until after 11am.

Yeah, because before that she has ‘morning gash’.  Anyway… how about “Spreading the word of oh my god?”

“Box Lunch at the Convent: Licking the Habit”

“Gargling in Tongues”

“Playing the Fallopian Tuba Below the Rod and Staff” … Polishing up on scales is the worst … Nobody enjoys …

If you break your Ramadan fast by licking jelly out of an asshole it’s called, “Eid al Shitter”

“Humming Along with the Pipe Organ”

Addition to the list of things I’ve now had to say to my wife because of this show: “It doesn’t have to be blowjobs, though.  It can be cunlingus or ass-tonguing as well… or teabagging.”

One of the better church marquees:

And finally tonight, from the “Stand Your Fudge Round” file, the First Baptist Church of Royal Palm Beach has discovered a new way of helping put roofs over the heads of the homeless; you can have them arrested.  The inspiration came when a cleaning lady employed by the church caught a homeless man stealing cookies that were meant for the homeless, at which time she called 911 to report the aggravated wafer-mastication.  This might sound like an overreaction to some, but keep in mind, we’re talking about Florida, a state where it’s legal to kill somebody for carrying Skittles, so it’s not like normal earth.

“And he had a hoodie … And a shitty drink nobody likes … Arizona?!?  Really?!?  SNAPPLE PEACH ICED TEA!!!  All about the Snapple peach iced tea!!! … What an asshole!!!”

Despite the facts that the church regularly feeds the homeless and the estimated value of “2014’s Great Snickerdoodle Heist” was around two dollars and twenty-five cents, the church elected to press charges, explaining that it was for the vagrant’s own good.  They argued on their Facebook page that he wasn’t just eating cookies.  He was also drunk or high or something probably.  Because he’s homeless.  And homeless people take drugs.

“This is a church … You can’t just show up and expect us to hand out tax-break subsidized Jesus cookies every week.  That would be crazy.”

Luckily the Palm Beach “Sesame Street Crime Unit” was on hand and acted quickly before any more Oreos could be forcibly bifurcated.  There are mixed reports that the perpetrator was on probation at the time for taking extra sips at the 7-11 soda machine, though reports that he could be the infamous Palm Beach “Pie cooling on a windowsill” bandit remain unconfirmed.

Florida church has homeless man arrested for aggravated cookie eating:

And with the reassurance that this malefactor is behind bars where he belongs, we’ll kind of close the headlines segment for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, we’re gonna still be doing headlines.



This Week in Misogyny:

I’d like to dedicate this week’s segment to one of my all time favorite jews, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who could probably kick Jesus’s ass even at her advanced age.

The wily old Supreme Court Justice is continuing to not shut up about the court’s recent (and horribly misguided) decision in the Hobby Lobby case.  Speaking to an audience of law students last week, she pointed out that’s it nifty that some of the guys on the Supreme Court are getting behind the idea of equal rights for the three percent of the population that’s gay; but it would also be nice if they could extend that to the fifty-one percent that aren’t men.

When asked about her charge of hypocrisy from the Roberts court, Chief Justice John Roberts pointed out that she was probably just PMSing or menopausing or whatever.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Hobby Lobby case:

But as dismissive as the court is of women’s rights, it turns out that one group of voters is paying attention… women.  A new poll by “Hart Research Associates” suggests that the majority of female American voters would not vote for a candidate that supports the Supreme Court’s decision to prioritize the wishes of imaginary men over those of real women.  Crazy.

Majority of female voters won’t vote for a candidate that supports Hobby Lobby ruling:

But the New York based “Satanic Temple” is seeking to use the errant ruling for the powers of good.  Citing their own “religious” belief that science is right and superstition is wrong, they claim that the “informed consent” laws that require women seeking abortions to listen to a religiously-inspired, factually dubious screed about how evil baby-murder is a violation of their religion.  Specifically their sincerely held belief that superstition and invasive medical procedures don’t mix.

When reporters asked legal experts about the case, they were doubtful that anything would come of it; to which the Satanic Temple replied, “Reporters asked you about it, didn’t they?  Then something came of it.”  In other words, of course they’re going to lose this fight.  And in so doing they’re going to expose the fact that in today’s legal landscape, corporations are people in ways that people could only dream of, and I’d say that’s a victory.

Satanists try to use Hobby Lobby ruling for the powers of good:

And finally tonight, we have something that starts out looking like a glimmer of hope in the middle east, but isn’t.  A female anchor on the Saudi news channel Al Ekhbariya appeared on screen boldly showing the top of her head and side-cheek.

But no, this isn’t a step forward… it’s an accident that the network apologized for almost immediately with the explanation that she was broadcasting out of the Infidel city of London, but they’d have been sure to throw some acid on her if she tried that shit back home.  And they also promised that it would never happen again.

That being said, if you want one bad enough, I suppose you can find a glimmer of hope in Saudi Arabia.  For instance, over the last few years, women have been permitted to work as cashiers at supermarkets and lingerie shops, so who knows, maybe we’ll see bicycling without a chaperone in our lifetimes.

Female Anchor on Saudi TV doesn’t wear headscarf. Paternalistic assholes outraged:

That’s not all the misogyny I’ve got for the week, but it is all the time I’ve got, so I’ll hand things over to Noah and Heath so they can undermine the point of this segment with a few rape jokes.


News Briefs:

Rejoining me for an abbreviated additional headlines segment tonight is noun.  Noun, preposition pronoun adjective?


Alright then.  From the “I Bet it’s not Really Gourmet” file tonight, Mary’s Gourmet Diner in Winston-Salem, North Carolina got an impromptu social-media ad campaign this week when their policy of offering a 15% discount to people who pray before they eat.  While the people getting the discount seem thrilled, others have pointed out that it’s thinly veiled bigotry.  The diner’s management dismiss those charges by pointing out that it’s not that they’re charging atheists more, they’re just charging Christians less.  So it’s not discrimination, it’s just… regular scrimination.

Maybe Christians can use that money for good somehow … Hmmm???  What can you do with 15 percent of the bill at the end of a meal … Buy thousands of tiny pamphlets, and give them to restaurant workers??? … They’ll come up with something.

15% off for talking to yourself:

And in “Geico Offers Atheist Discount” news, <Geico joke fresh off the 15% off joke… he’s on fire!> Indiana motorists Prionda Hill and Anthony Oliveri were almost murdered by God in Fort Wayne last month, when the deity hijacked Hill’s Pontiac Grand Prix … then either merged badly or briefly stopped existing … and finally proceeded to drive it over Oliveri’s motorcycle and adjacent sprawling human body.  Does collision cover acts of god?

If Jesus loved you, you wouldn’t be driving a Pontiac, living in Indiana or named “Prionda.”

God’s worse at driving than women:

And in “Now Why Will Congressman Check into Sleazy Motels?” news, assistant House Whip Steven Palazzo went all Gideon last week and sent bibles to all 535 members of Congress, including the token Muslim.  The bibles came with a letter encouraging all legislators to let god’s word preempt petty mortal things like statistics and expert recommendations when it comes to making life and death decisions for their constituents.

That’s nice and everything, but it’s a little too late for Gabrielle Giffords to wear a Bible attached to her face.  She’s not even in Congress anymore.  Late – awkward.

…quitter.  Speaking on behalf of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, Barry Lynn suggested perhaps Palazzo consult a slightly more modern guide to governance that his fellow Tea-Party members ejaculate about almost as often as the bible.  You know, that founding document that protects your right to bring your elephant gun to Target?  That’s the one.

Republican whip sends bibles to every member of congress:

And in “Poophole Loophole 2.0” news … It’s been over a year and a half since Washington State cleverly legalized gay marriage and marijuana on the same day, thus allowing men to lie together and get stoned, like Leviticus teaches.  Colorado already has the weed taken care of, but thanks to a recent homophobic ruling by the state supreme court, they won’t yet have the gay marriage part.  So for now, it’s just a bunch of dudes standing around getting stoned.  Couch?  Love seat?

I was picturing “giant champagne glass-shaped hot tub filled with vaseline,” but I usually am.

Colorado attempts to complete 2nd leg of Washington’s trick from below: <<AND>> Washington State’s 2012 Leviticus Trick:

And in “Learning to Count with Herpes Simplexes” news tonight, a quick update to last week’s herpetic jewish pedophile story.  You’ll recall us talking last week about two babies contracting genital herpes from having their recently mutilated cocks orally massaged by grown men with festering mouth sores.  Well, it turns out that the Orthodox Jewish community has taken action and banned these two particular disease-ridden rabbis from sucking baby cock.  They’ll have other, less viral people suck the baby cock like civilized human beings, so glad to see that they learned their lesson.

Great … They’re gonna take this on a case by case basis … “If a baby gets syphilis, we’ll ban syphilis.  Very simple.”

Herpetic Mohels banned:

And with that we’re gonna actually close headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks again.

I’ll be honest, I was surprised you were ready to go again so soon.  Not bad for a guy your age.  You can make up for a lot with good girth and good reboot time.

And when we come back we almost certainly won’t still be doing headlines.




Last name, first name, middle initial?

Christ, Jesus H.

Are you the Jesus H. Christ?

Well actually…

…from Twitter?

…no.  That’s some other guy.

Okay.  Here’s your number.  If you’d like to take a look at some of these pamphlets while you’re waiting.

Do you have them in Aramaic?

Is that what the terrorist language?


(Seat creaks, papers rattle)

Psst… hey buddy, you here for the defensive driving course?



So… what did you do?

Took the wheel for some crazy bitch in Indiana and creamed a motorcyclist.

Heh… nice.

“Christ, Jesus H.”

That’s me…

Good luck, buddy.


My name is Edward McKinnon, I’ll be your driving instructor today.  Are you ready for your exam?

Yeah, I guess.  I just don’t understand why everybody’s making such a big deal about this.  I’ve been driving since there were cars for my sake.

Look buddy, the only reason you’re not sitting in a jail cell right now is because your dad has connections.  At the time of the accident your blood alcohol level was “wine”.

It started as water…

Follow me, please.

(Door opens, outdoor noises)

Which car is yours, Mr. Christ?

The one over there with the me-fish…

Is that tint legal?

Through a glass darkly, baby.

(doors open and close) (throat clear) (car starts)


Um… I resurrect so I don’t know if that’s exactly necessary.

It’s the law.

Even if you’re immortal?

It’s the law.


(Seatbelt noise)

Has this vehicle passed emissions testing?

Trust me, that’s not gonna matter.  Where we goin?

Now, I want you to pull out of this parking lot and make a left at the stop sign.

And away we go…

(Turn signal noise)

You can disengage the turn signal now.

Easy for a guy with no holes in his hand to say.  One second.  (Squishy sound)

Now maintain this lane until you reach the…

(Window rolls down)

…There’s no need to… hey, you can’t stick your head out the window while you’re driving!

(honking) “I love me, baby!”

Get back in here!

Sorry… the bumper sticker, right?  How could I not?

Could you please roll the window back up?

Okay, but first check this out.  I stick my hand out the window and…


Very amusing, Mr. Christ.  Now please roll up the window.

(Window rolls up)

You’ll want to slow down.  The speed limit in this area is 45.

Chill out.


Slow down, Mr. Christ.  There’s water on the road up there.

I invented hydroplaning, dude.

Look out!

(Squealing tires, Car crashes)


So… did I pass?

Are you fucking kidding me!?  You broke every driving law we have… you’re clearly inebriated and I’ve got a crossing guard’s sign sticking through my intestines!  Of course you didn’t pass!

Are you sure about that?  Because that wound looks pretty severe…

What are you trying to say?

It would just be a shame if I suddenly unforgave you.

You heartless bastard!

Dad!  Eddie McKinnon called me a…

Alright!  Damn it, you pass.

Apology accepted.  Tell uncle Pete I said “hi.”

(Slide whistle)



What the fuck is… Wicca?

Wicca began in the 1950s as an attempt by horny men to see more naked women, and has since morphed into a means by which horny spiritualists of both genders can ogle one anothers genitals.

While most Wiccans will tell you the faith dates back tens of thousands of years, the truth is that they’re full of shit.  The faith began in the early fifties and was first referenced in works by Gerald Gardner beginning in 1954.  Additional authors with increasingly absurd pen names have continued to develop the faith over the past six decades to create an impossibly garbled web of nonsense and deepities.

Because of this lack of centralization, the definition and beliefs of Wiccans vary greatly from region to region, coven to coven and individual to individual.  These differences are largely overlooked within the neo-pagan community because they’re all too stoned to give a shit and most of them are going to give up on this silly Wicca thing by the time they’re twenty-six anyway.

There are a few core beliefs that can be found in almost all iterations of Wicca.  One is the duotheistic nature of their theology and an emphasis on both male and female aspects of god.  Many if not most Wiccans tend to focus the majority of their worship on the goddess figure because she’s the one with the boobs.

Another common tenet of the faith is an open and progressive attitude toward sex.  Nudity, sex and masturbation play an integral part in many Wiccan rituals, and while their attitude is a welcome contrast to the prudery of most religious traditions, in practice sex-positive is often utterly indistinguishable with sex-coercive.

At its core, Wicca is a nature religion, worshipping trees, flowers, insects and other things that look trippy when you’re on acid.  This is often expressed in a dangerously stupid belief in herbal therapies, nonsense-based medical treatments; and gross misapplications of the word “energy.”

But the most visible aspect of Wicca is their belief in ritual magic.  Just in case nobody was going to make fun of them, Wiccans have a series of what they call “elemental weapons” which include a magic wand, a magic knife, a handful of polyhedral dice and a character sheet.  They use these weapons to call upon spirits such as the “Undines of the East,” the “Sylphs of the North,” the “Salamanders of the South,” and I’m serious.

Wicca draws upon both misinterpretations of ancient pagan rituals and misinterpretations of modern hermetic rituals in an attempt to multiply bullshit by horseshit.  This leads to a convoluted ritual structure that is impossible to take seriously even by those performing it.  In fact, the simple ability to utter phrases like “I banish you, Salamanders of the South,” with a straight face is the single qualification for the title of “Wiccan High Priest.”

Of course, you can’t have a serious discussion of the Wiccan faith without bringing up the strong lunar influence in their beliefs, so I won’t.


Bible Story:

“Run grab yer young ‘uns, folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible stories for Kids!”

Gather round, boys and girls.  Today we’re gonna open our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the Old Testament’s most admirable mass murderers, Samson.  And like all good biblical heroes, Samson tortures animals, massacres the innocent, vandalizes property, cons his friends, treats his wife like shit and racks up a huge body count.

But before any of that happened… in fact, even before he was born, an angel came to his mother.  Or at least, that’s what his mother told his father when his impotent father came home and found his wife pregnant.  But Samson’s father doubted his wife’s tale, which is the last time in this entire story that somebody will act in accordance with logic.

The angel told his mother that Samson would be a “Nazirite,” which meant that he had special magical Jew-powers as long as he never cut his hair.  So Samson grew up to be a super-strength scraggly hippy and eventually his balls dropped and he set off to find some sweet Philistine ass.  He saw a woman named Timnah in town and decided she looked young and moist, so he headed to her house to ask for her hand in marriage.

But along the way, Samson was attacked by a lion because sometimes the bible follows the Michael Bay rule of random action beats.  So Samson kicked the lion’s ass and tore it into pieces because dismembering animals is very heroic.  Then he went to Timnah’s house and she agreed to marry him.  But on the way home to tell his parents the good news, he came back across the shredded corpse of the lion he’d fought and while he was gone, some silly bees had built a nest in it’s rancid intestines!

Well, like anybody would if they came across a bee’s nest in a rotting carcass, he decided to eat a handful of honey out of it and files the moment away in case he ever needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle.

So a few days later, Samson was at a party and needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle, so he said, “I bet you can’t guess what I ate some honey out of,” and while the Philistines explained that that wasn’t exactly a riddle, Samson went on to promise them all nice new clothes if they could figure out the answer.

But Samson made the mistake of trusting a woman.  He told his fiancee the answer and she told it to the thirty Philistines.  So they came back and demanded all the nice new clothes Samson had promised them.  But Samson was as clever as he was homicidal so instead of buying new clothes, he just killed thirty random people, stripped them naked and gave the Philistines their clothes.

He also decided he didn’t want his wife anymore so he gave her to a friend.  But then he changed his mind and decided he wanted her after all.  But it was too late because his friend was already dicking her.

Samson was very angry so he set a couple of foxes on fire and sent them running through her family’s farms, burning all the food they would need to stay alive over the winter.  Needless to say, they were very upset and went to Samson’s family and demanded he be turned over for justice.

Well, they turned him over alright.  They tied him up and gave him to an army of innocent people who were just doing their job to keep the peace.  But Samson broke through his binds, grabbed the discarded jawbone of a donkey and murdered all of them with it.  And it must have been pretty gruesome because if you think about it, the only way to logically kill somebody with a jawbones is to gouge their eyes out, stick it in their ear or cram it up their ass.  So it probably got pretty messy.

But just when all the homicide was going so well for Samson, along came a woman named Delilah.  And like pretty much all the women who come along in bible stories, she was bad news.  But Samson didn’t care because she had a vagina.  But even better, she was into kinky bondage and discipline stuff, like when a mommy crams a ball gag into a daddy’s mouth and whips his scrotum with a riding crop.

But little did he know, her kink was actually a clever ploy to capture him and make him dance like a monkey.  So after a couple of really obvious failed attempts to discover his kryptonite, Samson eventually tells her that he would be completely powerless if he cut his hair.  So she cut his hair.  Because women in the bible are pretty much always evil.  Or raped.  Or killed.  Or all three.

So once he was sporting the Patrick Stewart look, Delilah helped the Philistines capture him and poke out his eyes.  And then they chained him up so people could come and throw shit at him.  But they kept him chained up so long that eventually his hair grew back and he pulled the building down from within, killing himself, Delilah and all the evil people who had captured him.  And nobody lived happily ever after because they were all crushed to death.

The end.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the part of the show where we answer questions, correct errors, feign apologies and offer superfluous explanations of what “listener feedback” means.

Our first message comes in the form of a correction.  We already spent a big chunk of a feedback segment clarifying our story about Liberty University’s new medical program, but Danny writes us to point a mistake we missed.  I got the city right (Lynchburg) but I got the state wrong.  As Danny points out, (quote)

“It’s not Lynchburg, Tennessee, (home of pretty good bourbon), but rather Lynchburg, Virginia, (home of not much).

And I’d also like to preemptively correct Danny’s correction by pointing out that Jack Daniels is a long way from “pretty good bourbon.”

Yes, so one more time, because this is important.  It’s the place named after murdering black people in Virginia, not the place named after murdering black people in Tennessee.

Our next email comes from Mr. “A Color” from “A Place” emails to ask why I’m so much more of a podcast whore than Heath.  He writes;

“I hear you a lot of the time on other podcasts such as Cognitive Dissonance, and The Imaginary Friend Show, but usually Heath doesn’t appear. Just curious as to why that is.”

Would you invite me to say words on your show?!?  Noah edits out about 95 percent of the things I say.  You guys only hear the clean stuff … That being said, I am capable of lifting my hand from the third rail if needed, so if invited, I’d be happy to appear on other shows more often in the future, when I can more easily afford to devote the extra time.  And generous patreons can help make that happen.

So for the record, Heath and I split all the money that doesn’t go to new equipment or hosting down the middle.  Patreon, PayPal, the book… 50/50.  That being said, since he’s in New York and I’m in Podunk, Georgia, I can pay my rent, my utilities, my insurance, my cable, my phone bill, my Guatemalan masseuse, buy a months worth of groceries and an eight ball for the same amount Heath pays to share an apartment with two other dudes.

So all I can afford beyond the rent, is the masseuses and the eight balls.  New Yorkers learn to make sacrifices.

Anyway, end result is that I’m able to do this full time, Heath still has a real job, so I’m a lot easier to schedule for other appearances.  That and everybody’s afraid Heath will make AIDS jokes… in a bad way.

And finally, we had a Facebook message from one of earth’s top eleven people, April, asking for advice on dealing with the cookie-baking Christians Noah talked about in his diatribe a couple of weeks ago.  Specifically, she wondered how to respond when a sweet old lady at work says, “It’s okay, honey, god loves you.”

So I guess this has top ten written all over it, huh?

For April?  Anything.  So top ten answers to a sweet old lady telling you god loves you.

  • 10 – “I know, but sometimes I feel like it’s only for my dick.”
  • 9 – “If he really loved me, he’d bring me some milk… and the Crown Royal bag in my glove compartment … Thanks old lady!!!”
  • 8 – “Sure didn’t seem like it when he burned my tongue with that communion wafer.”
  • 7 – “God loves me?!? … Uhhh … And I really love … hanging out with God.”
  • 6 – “Yeah, but that slut loves everybody.
  • 5 – “Write me a check for seven dollars, and I might love him back.”
  • 4 – “I’m sorry, did you say ‘Gollum’s a Jew?’”
  • 3 – “But he sure doesn’t love the coloreds … Am I right, old lady?!? … She knows.”
  • 2 – “Then why does he always want to fuck me from behind?”
  • 1 – “Allah akbar.  Go away.”

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, keep sending those Tweets, emails, Facebook messages, and blog comments.



Before we get to the prestige tonight, I wanted to encourage you one more time to check out Adam’s site and give if you can.  It’s a great opportunity to help an atheist that needs your help.  Again, you can find links to donate on our homepage, along with links to episodes of his show where you find more details about Iman’s story.  Oh, and incidentally, if the Ray Comfort sketch tested your bladder, that’s Adam’s fault so be sure to direct your anger (and stream) toward him on that one.

That’s all we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  Like I mentioned in the Feedback segment, I’m a bit of a podcast whore so when Thomas from Atheistically Speaking invited me on to talk about the situation in Gaza I didn’t let my downright embarrassing lack of expertise slow me down.  You can find our conversation on episodes 55 and 56 of his show, both of which you’ll find linked on the shownotes and transcript for this episode.

I also need to thank Lucinda for knocking another Bible Story out of the park as well as all the other contributions she makes to the show every week.  Of course I need to thank Heath for bringing his endearing breed of faux-bigotry and shit jokes to this enterprise; definitely couldn’t make this show happen every week without him.

Of course, I also need to thank Adam for joining us tonight and I need to thank Chuck, Willie and “little monkey Chuck” from “Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories” podcast.  If you just can’t get enough “Damn are Mormons wacky” in your life, you’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people; Stephen, Roger, Thomas, Jeremiah, Johanna, Gerard, Tony, Daniel, Matt and David.  Stephen, Roger and Thomas, who are so virile they have to put a condom on when they sext; Jeremiah, Johanna and Gerard, who are so clever they just convinced Muhammad that mountains are overrated; and Tony, Daniel, Matt and David, whose mighty fists are measured in Sharknados per meter squared.

Together these ten august, benevolent, charitable, distinguished, extraordinary, fucktastic, gracious, honorable individuals aided our quest to decimate the decalogue this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the alphabetical list of positive attributes required to give us money, but if you think you’re up for the challenge, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com; which will earn you bonus stuff; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.

Also, there’s one donor who I forgot to thank a couple weeks ago.  They got in touch with me and I filed it away in my head to compliment the shit out of them tonight, but then I couldn’t remember if they got in touch through email or Twitter or Facebook or Patreon or the Blog or what and I couldn’t find the message when I was putting together this week’s outro.  So a thousand apologies.  Please send me one last email and I will let the world now how incredibly above average your genitals are.

And, of course, you can also help us a ton for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or checking us out on Stitcher.  And apparently leaving a review on Stitcher is a huge pain in the ass so don’t worry so much about that, but if you like to listen on the go, definitely check us out on Stitcher and help push our rank up there.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 65 Partial Transcript

May 15, 2014 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints





Warning: Lucinda isn’t feeling quite up to recording so this episode won’t even have that typical shred of innocence.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Unborn Life Savers brand abortion-safe coat hangers.  Our Donut-shaped, soft-plastic coat hangers have been scientifically designed to dissolve instantly in vaginal mucous.

So if you’re a conscientious Christian with a closet full of murder weapons and you can’t help but notice that your slutty daughters are suspiciously childless, try Unborn Life Savers: Responsible For More Homeless Babies Than Wilt Chamberlain.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s May 15th,

And Johnny Football gets media attention for taking a shit. Imagine if he takes the Browns to the Super Bowl.

I only have so much imagination.  I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright.  And from “A black guy, a Puerto Rican, and Jew walk into a bar” New York, New York,

And “Oh hell no they don’t” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • We’ll discuss Noah’s rash,
  • A Tennessee college will stand up for cousin-fucking,
  • And Cash from Atheists on Air will join us for a ReasonCon-versation.

But first, the diatribe.



I get this message on the Scathing Atheist Facebook page the other day.  It’s from a Catholic dude who’s going way out of his way to be an asshole politely.  The message asks if we support “free speech” on our page, because he would like to politely hop on the page and politely counter some of the arguments that are being made.

Now, this struck me as odd because there’s really no argumentation on our Facebook page.  I mean… did he want to dispute the fact that the show notes and transcripts for episode 64 were available?  Did he want to refute the fact that we would be interviewing Cash from Atheist on Air this week?  Did he want to disagree that I was finally done reading Psalms?

So I responded with an analogy I was proud of; it was one that I thought succinctly made my point in a language he could understand without being rude.  I said, “suppose your church put up a Facebook page where you coordinated the bake sale and posted upcoming mixers and stuff.  How polite would the atheist that came on the page to dispute the existence of god have to be before you wouldn’t think he was being an asshole?”

I went on to explain the debating religion isn’t really the purpose of our Facebook page.  We maintain it to keep our audience up to speed with what’s going on with the show; I use it to share information on atheist events or share new stories that I think our audience will find interesting.  That being said, there are no shortage of Facebook pages set up specifically for atheists and theists to debate.  I offered a few links and told him to knock himself out.

I even went on to say that he was, of course, perfectly welcome to post anything he wants on our Facebook page, but I warned him that he may not get polite, respectful responses.

I thought it was a good answer.  I thought, for some reason, that he might realize that not every atheist venue is designed to engage religious people… some of them are for atheists.  But apparently he missed all the words but one.  I wrote three paragraphs of explanation, but all he saw was that I used the “a-hole word”.

So rather than engaging me on any of the points I made, he sends a follow up message where he politely psychoanalyzes me and the anger issues that drive me to use naughty words so much.  He admitted that sometimes he (and I quote) “uses the F word and regrets it”, but only when he’s really, really angry.  So why was I so angry at god?

And if you follow us on Facebook, you may have already seen my response, but if you haven’t, it went a little something like this:

Dear Polite Asshole (except I actually used his name),

I should start off by pointing out that your idiosyncratic aversion to profanity is of absolutely no concern to me. If you strictly use “fuck” as an expression of anger, you’ve obviously overlooked the multifaceted utility of this wonderful syllable. I use the word “fuck” for a variety of reasons and an expression of anger is only one of them. Often I use it because (when you’re not dealing with people who are irrationally prudish) it gives the discussion an air of informality that allows it to be more familial. This is probably not true for most practicing Catholics, but as neither my show nor its ancillary Facebook Page is for practicing Catholics, I am under no obligation to give a shit.

Additionally, I often I use the word “fuck” because it has a vulgar explanatory power that no other word has. If I were to refer to the systematic rape and torture and consequent global cover-up that you financially supported by giving to the Catholic church, for example, I could refer to it as “child molestation” but that has such a clinical feel to it. It fails to have the emotional impact of “child fucking”. When discussing such horrors, I feel obligated to do so in a way that doesn’t sugar coat it.

But it’s true that I also use “fuck” as an expression of anger. When, for example, you hear from a person who has funded a worldwide cabal of child rapists that thinks he deserves an explanation for filthy language on the internet, it is tempting to tell that person to go fuck themselves. Any lesser expression would fail to properly encapsulate the aversion I have to such petty nonsense.

Respectfully, Noah

So once more, to any masochistic theist who is listening; you’re an uninvited vegan at a barbecue.  Eat some chips and shut the fuck up.



Joining me for headlines tonight is the Rush Limbaugh of good, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready for some justified assholery?

Right – I’m a bigot, but for the left.

Annie Hall reference for the win.

In our lead story tonight, in “Goodell Without God” news, despite the best efforts of an allegedly omnipotent being, this year’s NFL draft made the league less Christian, and more openly gay.  For many Amyrrhicans, it might as well be soccer at this point.

And for our British listeners, soccer is what we call that sport you guys pretend is hardcore even though you don’t need any padding to play it.  And for our Australian listeners, think Australian rules football only it makes sense and Colonel Sanders isn’t there.

This story has two parts: First, we have San Diego State running back Adam Muema, who skipped this year’s scouting combine at the last second because he was (quote) “following God” (end quote).  Muema claims God told him that if he skipped the event, he would definitely get drafted by the Seattle Seahawks.  Turns out a bunch of players – even Christian ones, oddly enough – did show up for the combine, so he obviously went undrafted.

He must have received his divine instructions out of context.

On the other side of the coin – the tails side I guess – we have former Missouri defensive end (he’s a power bottom) Michael Sam, who is now a St. Louis Ram, and the first openly gay player in the NFL.  I especially enjoyed that in the process, Sam made millions of Christians squirm with bigotry when he kissed his boyfriend on national television after being drafted.   Many congratulations are in order here …

Most of all to the Rams head office.  Because anybody could have drafted him, but only the Packers and Browns would have offered up an easier slate of buttsex jokes.  So go Rams.

And congrats for taking a roster spot from Adam Muema, who tweeted about talks with the Rams pre-draft.  And most importantly, congrats for ensuring that the first openly gay player is a Rams Defensive End!!!  You can’t make this shit up!!!  The only way this gets better, is if he moves to the other side of the ball, and learns to play tight end.

God’s #1 pick still on waiver wire:

And in “Exiting two by two” news tonight, a Christian college in Dayton, Tennessee has lost nearly a quarter of its full-time professors in the last couple of months after the board of trustees insisted on glorifying incest.  Faculty at Bryan College…

…”Go Lions”…

… were responding to a recent update to the school’s statement of belief, which added an assertion that (quote) “Adam and Eve were historical people that were not created from previously existing lifeforms” (end quote)

“Have we ever observed evidence of Adam or Eve?  No.  But like I said, they’re not observational people …  They’re historical people.”

School president Stephen Livesay insists that these minor “just how seriously do we want to pretend to take this doctrinal horse shit?” type dust ups are common in Christian Colleges, oblivious to the mathematical result of repeatedly losing a quarter of one’s faculty.

How much faculty do they need to study 2 books?!?  And you know they skim over Psalms.

Students have joined in the protest by signing petitions, writing letters to the board of trustees and wearing black armbands.  Their message is clear, “We want some true stuff sprinkled in with the wacky bullshit we want you to teach us.”

Christian college loses nearly a quarter of it’s professors after insisting on biblical literalism:

And from the “Clergymen in Black” file, Pope Franetarium finally weighed in on whether Catholics should splash Martian space travelers with heaven water, if said aliens sprung to existence, came to Earth, and asked nicely.  And yes, they should.

I mean, sure, this sounds silly, but promising to baptize Martians might be the most substantive thing he’s done in his pontificate.

Along with letting atheists apply for Catholic heaven … Apparently the Pope isn’t the first church official to consider hydro-fracking souls on other planets.  Vatican scientist Guy Consolmagno made a similar suggestion about baptizing aliens in 2010.  But let’s just pump the brakes here … There’s something called “Vatican Scientist”?!?  What’s this guy been doing all this time?!?

Here’s my guess.  Day one they sit him down and say, “justify transubstantiation with your fancy science words.”  Like a Manhattan project of futility there.  Bunch of brilliant scientists that didn’t read the fine print on the employment contract.

So here’s a real statement from the Pope: (quote) “If – for example – tomorrow an expedition of Martians came […] Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them … [Just like vaguely racist children paint them] … And one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?” (end quote) … They would bathe those green men, is what would happen!  Useless counterfactual parsed!  We are Catholicism! Good night Vatican City!

Pope Francis would baptize martians:

And in “What about the Father and the Holy Ghost of Sam?” news tonight, Jesus has forgiven the slightly infamous underachieving serial killer David Berkowitz for murdering the same number of people in his entire serial killing career as die every year from fatigue.

Son of Sam, one one hundredth as dangerous as auto-erotic asphyxiation.

So despite being an unrepentant murderer, and such a crappy one that more that half of his victims survived, Berkowitz was able to exploit the little known loophole in Christianity known as the “we’ll take whoever we can get at this point contingency” and earned his way into Heaven.  Me? Still going to hell.  Son of Sam?  Golden-fucking-ticket.  Great theology you guys have going there, by the way.

Just reinforces the terrible message that everyone should be working the Saint Augustine strategy … Which goes something like, “Lord: Grant me chastity and virtue, but not just yet.”  Just let me finish this murder spree, and then I promise I’ll get all saved up, right after that.

Berkowitz explained his application of apostolic white-out this week while being denied parole for his feeble little serial killer career.  And I’m sorry to keep talking up what a crappy serial killer he is, but I think New Yorkers need to hear this shit.  He’s ranked right up there with such well known serial killers as Robert Berdella and some crazy chick that killed her family.  And you guys were scared shitless of this dude for a whole year.  Seattle’s had seven Son of Sam’s in the last three weeks or something and they aren’t pussing out about it.

It was probably that thug Richard Sherman … And like 6 other guys.

Son of Sam claims Jesus has forgiven him:

And in “Blue Waffle Ridge” news, school offi- (Google that by the way) School officials at Blue Ridge High School in Greenville, South Carolina decided to censor a painting by senior Tracie Holtzclaw entitled Rape Culture, removing it from the district art exhibition two days prior to the event.  The student artist is a victim of rape herself, and says that the piece explores frustration with the reaction of her Christian community, most of whom told her she was probably dressing too slutty.

Well the painting was kind of asking to be force fucked by a passing art patron.

Holtzclaw disputed the decision to remove the piece, and despite playing her permanent rape victim card that trumps everything, still no love … So what’s their problem with Rape Culture?

They seem okay with it when it’s not a painting…

Well, not only did the title have a scary word like ‘culture’, the painting of a topless, tattooed woman has a pre-censor bar painted over what the district assumes would have been a nipular side boob area.  And this particular brand of whimsy was a little too nuanced, even for the art historians and museum curators that run the censorship program in Greenville, South Carolina.

Proof that she kind of nailed the whole concept of “art” if you ask me.  I don’t know why people think “art” is so hard to define.  If it pisses off conservatives in Greenville, South Carolina and it isn’t a black person voting, it’s art.

Seems like at the very least, they could have allowed the piece, but with the word ‘rape’ blacked out.  (Or maybe hang a hijab over it.)  Or just call it Nonconsensual Attempted Fatherhood Culture that day … Or some other clever title that two offensive atheist assholes could come up with on the spot right now …

So 30 seconds on the clock … “Sexually Explicit Artwork Titles” … GO!!!

I wanna start with the Hymen Pop-Art master Glandy Warhol… hm… something about some soup… in the can… Shit, I pass…

Botticelli’s “Girth of Penis”

Same subject as the “Penis de Milo”… also known as Venus on the half-stock.  Cautionary piece on the dangers of repeated handjobs, I think.

With the arms falling off … That’s a highbrow lowbrow reference … Very hard to pull off … What about: “Permanent Scarry Night”?

That one’s by Unmarked Van Gogh, right?

Yeah same guy that did that famous mugshot of himself … “Self-Portrait of a Rapist as a Young Man”

Girl with a Pearl Necklace?

Generous lovers give you the necklace and the earrings … Was she wearing those when we walked into the museum earlier? … What about: “Dogs Playing Poker in the Rear”?

Little too highbrow for me.  How about the Arc de Triomphent Ropes of Jism.

Yeah better high brow than right in the eye … Black Snake Mona Lisa … You always notice that bored look in her eyes, no matter where you stand.

Two girls, one fur-lined teacup?  …two art history majors laughed out loud just now.

The Procreation of Adam … Touching portrait of the time God fingered his first man.

Should have called it “Adam squealing on the ceiling.”

Art show censorship in South Carolina school

And finally tonight, from the “Itchy Rash on my SCOTUS” file, Roanoke County Supervisor Al Bedrosian reminded everyone this week why the recent Supreme Court ruling regarding official prayers at government meetings is fucking stupid.  In the wake of the ruling he called for revisions to the county’s policies to ensure that only Christian prayers would be heard since, of course, his religion is the right one.

Which divergent sect of the right one is he, again?  Baptist?  Because someone recently told me very confidently that God was a Methodist.  And he sounded pretty sure.

Somebody’s full of shit…

At least one of them… maybe both…

In one of earth’s greatest examples to date of not getting it, Bedrosian promised to reject any non-Christian invocation, explaining that (quote) “That does not infringe on their freedom of religion.  The truth is you’re trying to infringe on my right, because I don’t believe that.” (end quote).  So yes, it is clear from that statement that Al Bedrosian actually thinks that the founders of this nation specifically meant freedom of Al Bedrosian’s religion.

So this was a preemptive strike against people praying for God to convert to Islam?  Which he thinks might have worked?

I think you’re giving him a lot of credit when you say “thinks”.

In wake of SCOTUS ruling, Virginia asshole promises Christian-only invocations:

Well, I guess we’ll have to take a break from infringing on Al Bedrosian’s rights because that’s all we’ve got for headlines this week.  Heath, thanks as always.


And when we come back, Cash from Atheists On Air will be here to talk about herding cats.



Before we clock out for the night, I wanted to thank everybody who sent my wife well-wishes this week.  If you follow us on Facebook or Twitter you might know that the lovely Lucinda lost 4 ounces the hard way last week when she had her gallbladder removed.  She’s recovering nicely and all the love she got from all of you really made her smile when she had no other good reason to.  She’d be thanking you herself but she’s still a little dopey so on her behalf and mine, thanks a ton.  Too many to mention everybody by name, but specific thanks to Dee, Bill, Suzy, Deb and Vinny.  And then nonspecific thanks to a lot of other really awesome people.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight but we’ll be back in a hundred and sixty eight hours with more.  If you can’t wait that long, though, you can catch me on a recent episode of the Quranify Me podcast as well as an upcoming episode of “An American Atheist”, you’ll find a link to the former in this week’s shownotes and link to the latter on our Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus accounts as soon as it’s available.

Quranify Me Podcast

And speaking of awesome podcasts that’ll be linked on this week’s shownotes, another quick thanks to Cash for giving us a bit of his time.  If you haven’t checked out Atheists on Air yet, I highly recommend it.  Cash is hilarious, he gets great guests and because it’s a newer show, there’s a damn good chance you can chat with his guests live if you call in.  Anyway, he’s on blogtalkradio but you can also find him on this week’s shownotes.

Atheists on Air Podcast

And speaking of speaking of awesome podcast that’ll be linked on this week’s shownotes, I also need to thank David from the “My Book of Mormon” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  Basically giving the Book of Mormon the Thomas and the Bible (slash) Quranify Me treatment and doing it in a baritone that damn near makes me come; again, shownotes, links, et cetera.

My Book of Mormon Podcast

And at the risk of overthanking this week, I need to thank Heath for keeping the rape jokes classy.  I need to thank Lucinda, who should be back to her regular Scathing Atheist duties next week.  But most of all I need to thank this week’s best people, Shelly, Chuck13, Lawrence, Jamie, Donovan, Bill, Quinn, Vadim, Vinny, Ken, Jason, and Rizado.  Shelly, Chuck13 and Lawrence, who are so quick-witted their neuronal pathways have onramps; Jamie, Donovan and Bill, who are mild mannered by day, but ninja-cidal by night; Quinn, Vadim and Vinny, who saw and conquered before they came, which is better; and Ken, Jason and Rizado, whose erections will be the undoing of the Extenz Hose guy’s patent..

These twelve paragons of altruism have beaten back the forces of destitution that constantly threaten our noble effort to combine secularism with the finest in flatulent humor this week by giving us money.  Only those with the most impressive genitals and/or intellects have the genitals and/or intellect to give us money but if you think you’ve got the aforementioned genitals and/or intellect, you can make a per episode donation to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, whilst simultaneously scoring yourself some cool Scathing Atheist shit.

You can also make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, or you pick up our new book; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope” as an ebook or a paperback at Amazon (dot) com.

And you can also leave us a glowing review on iTunes because, shit, that’s free.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.