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Episode 41: Partial Transcript

November 28, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, but if you can handle the blasphemy and the profanity, you’re in for a Jesus-raping good time.

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Catholicism in a can, Vaticampbell’s Soup; the perfect post traumatic meal for altar boys.  High in vitamins, protein and spermicides, it’s the perfect treat for being good and not telling mommy what happened.

Vaticampbell’s Soup: Get some from your priest in the can.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’sThanksgiving,

And 392 years ago, not today, the Christians tricked the Native Americans with a big meal right before the genocide.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright

And from helium depleting New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • A Methodist reverend is flagged for allowing head to head contact on a defenseless tight end receiver.

  • We’ll explore the nuances of Texas dildo regulations,

  • And Israel levies a foreskin tax of 51,100 dollars a year.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Ah, Thanksgiving, the Americanist of all holidays.  It’s gluttonous, wasteful, self-indulgent and better than the Canadian version.  We celebrate by taking in an inexcusable number of calories and then watching other people burning calories off on television… violently.  We throw away more food per capita than some populations eat on the average day, we gloss over our genocidal national origin with a bunch of feel-good pseudo-history and we mark the start of a four week blitzkrieg of rampant consumerism and that’s all pretty damned American; but the most American thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s secular.

There’s no awkward bullshit religious ceremonies your in-laws are trying to talk you into attending.  There’s no break in the middle of the Cowboy’s game where Linus takes center stage and tells us about the birth of Mithra.  There’s no team of evangelicals plaguing the media for weeks beforehand telling us that Jesus is the justification for the mastication.  We just get together and eat innocent turkeys.  And innocent gravy.  We come together with our friends and family regardless of which invisible superhero clears out parking spaces for them.  And but for a perfunctory saying of grace and grandma rathering you not refer to them as “deviled” eggs, religion doesn’t enter into it at all.  And damn it, I don’t care what they say on Fox News, that’s as American as it gets.

Most of the secular holidays we celebrate in this country are tainted by a bunch of rah-rah patriotism and I’m not usually one for the “Don’t tread on me; screw the immigrants and the indigenous, America ‘fuck yeah’” flag waver, but when this country was founded it was almost certainly the most secular nation in the history of humanity and that’s a lineage I’m proud to claim.

Of course there are plenty of evangelicals out there desperately trying to literally rewrite the history books to whitewash the secularism out of our national character, but considering how plainly codified it is in the Constitution, they’ll have to rewrite a hell of a lot more than Texas textbook guidelines to get rid of it.  And make no mistake, there’s a huge contingent of politically motivated Christians hell-bent on doing exactly that.

And why wouldn’t they be?  Religion would be doing way better if it was legally mandated.  Hell, when you consider the categorical superiority of the secular alternative to everything religion does or ever did, it’s fair to say that a legal mandate is the only hope religion has to survive.  When I hear the Michele Bachmann crowd screaming “Jesus for Emperor in 2016” I don’t write it off as crazy.  I look at it as their last chance.

I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never met an atheist who thinks religion should be outlawed.  I’m sure there are a few of them bumbling around somewhere, but every atheist I’ve ever met and every respected voice in the atheist movement is just calling for a fair marketplace of ideas.  We’re just asking that religion be evaluated by the same means as everything else and be given no special privilege on the simple merit of being a religion.  It’s the kind of thing you can afford to espouse when you’re on the side with all the evidence.

In the time I’ve been doing this podcast a lot of people have asked me, “what’s the point?”  Now, in the past I’ve largely dismissed this question.  Life is like a JJ Abrams script; there’s doesn’t have to be a point and things don’t have to add up.  It’s enough that we’re having fun recording it and other people are having fun listening to it.

But whenever I see the specter of theocracy creeping into the national conversation, I rethink that.  I was on a panel the other day with CJ Werleman discussing his new book, “Crucifying America” where he makes the argument that unless atheists can match the political enthusiasm of the Christian right, the forces of theocracy are going to continue chipping away at our secular government and they won’t stop until we can out-zealot Iran.

So this year, when I’m gorging on seared bird flesh and watching the Lions discover a new and creative way to blow a fourth quarter lead, I’ll be thankful that I live in a secular nation.  And when the “itis” wears off, I’ll get back to work doing my part to keep it that way.

Because America, fuck yeah.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is religious marketing expert Heath Enwright.  Heath, any advertising advice for Christianity?

Might be time for a new logo.  Yeah I feel like the torture diorama could be a little more relatable …  Maybe a different murder victim, on a different shape.  Instead of Jesus on a cross, what about chalk-outline-guy on a circle?

Or at the very least they could give the Buddy-Christ a day in court.

Speaking of days in court . . . In our lead story tonight, a federal judge in Wisconsin found it ridiculous that she was needed to decide that people with income, have to pay income tax, even if they’re employed by a fictional character.  US District Judge Barbara Crabb struck down a 1954 law that allowed ministers a tax-exemption designed to compensate for their unique financial burden called “housing costs”.  

You know, it’s tempting to celebrate here, but the real victims here are the children.  Because, as I understand it, most priests can barely afford to lubricate their victims now.

Indeed, tear-free ass lube for kids is another unique financial burden for clergy.  So the lawsuit was filed by the Freedom From Religion Foundation against the Treasury Department and the IRS, for letting clergy steal an estimated 700 million dollars a year from public coffers, on this exemption alone.  And just to spite the Tea Party, Obama plans to divide these extra funds among communist lesbian single mothers to pay for their 20 imaginary children, and buy crack.

Oh c’mon, that’s ridiculous.  When you consider the Obama-mandated 93% abortion rate, that lesbian communist single mom would have to get pregnant 286 times to have that many kids.

And the crack’s gonna lead to a few miscarriages, so that number’s even higher.  And as much as it pains me to do this, let’s segue away from crack babies, over to a statement from Russell Moore, president of Baptists for Tax Evasion, who argued: (quote) [sic] “The clergy housing allowance isn’t a government establishment of religion, but just the reverse.  The allowance is neutral to all religions.” [end sic] (end quote) . . . Well as long as the Jews and A-Rabs are allowed to steal too . . . So the opposite of Christians stealing billions of dollars . . . is Christians, Jews, and Muslims stealing billions of dollars?!?

Wisconsin judge strikes down parsonage exemption: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/23/federal-judge-in-wisconsin-strikes-law-that-gives-clergy-tax-free-housing/ and http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/24/a-federal-judges-significant-decision-clergy-tax-free-housing-is-not-constitutional/

And in the disturbingly thin “Too Stupid for Texas” file tonight, the Texas Board of Education has rejected the most recent attempt to force intelligent design theory into school textbooks despite the pro-creationism side’s outdated and off-topic endorsement from Jesus.

And just to review the level of competition in this category, “too stupid for Texas”, means dumber than Ted Cruz, Vanilla Ice, George Dubya, and a law that makes it a felony to own six or more dildos.  

Is that actually true?

Yep.  Pocket pussies would be illegal, too.

So there’s a legal limit on dildos, no limit on live ammunition… brilliant.

Right, plus multi-headed dildos get you right around the rule.

Speaking of multi-headed dildos, the fate of this textbook could still go either way.  Nonetheless, religious zealots have all but conceded defeat upon learning that the biology textbook would be reviewed for errors by a panel of biologists.  Because the old “there’s no meth in the trunk” line only works if nobody looks in the trunk.

While they’ve got that panel of scientists together, maybe they could skim over those testament books.  Thought I remember a typo in Genesis 1, so that’s a good place to start

Facing the unprecedented humiliation of appearing not once or twice but thrice on last week’s headlines segment, the state of Texas seems intent on earning a positive mention on the show for a change.  But of course, this only counts as a positive mention because the Texas school board not doing the stupid, unconstitutional, evangelical thing has become newsworthy, so don’t go yee-hawin’ just yet.

Science wins, stupidity loses in Texas Board of Education throwdown: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/texas-board-of-education-holds-up-biology-book-over-evolution-debate/

And from the “British Muslims with sand in their knickers” file, complaints of Islamaphobic persecution have forced universities in the UK to approve gender segregation for debate audiences.  Apparently ultra-orthodox religious leaders can’t handle public speaking, unless the penises and vaginas are lined up separately when they picture the audience naked.

So random genital distribution is the kryptonite of ultra-orthodox religious leaders?  Good to know.

It’s about time the UK took a page from the sharia rule book, and finally found a way to rein in their problem with university debate audiences devolving into drunken orgies of sex and violence.  Deadly riots led by rabid debate hooligans were really getting out of hand . . . And at the root of the issue, were all the women mixed into the crowd.  

It’s England.  That probably really happens.  I bet somebody’s been crushed to death against a fence at an Intelligence Squared debate by now.

According to a report by vice-chancellors’ group ‘Universities UK’, as long as the seating chart meets the equality standards of an Alabama public school from 1950, it’s fair: (quote) “Both men and women are being treated equally, as they are both being segregated in the same way.”  I’ll repeat that . . . They are both being segregated . . . in the same way . . . by gender.  Apartheid was fine too, because blacks and whites were both being segregated by race.

Okay, this is all making perfect sense, of course, but where do the transexuals sit?

Great question.  That … was addressed in the FAQs.  Hermaphrodites will be allowed entry, but not double entry like normal.  Also, they will have to remove their penis or plug an orifice … which seems unfair because nobody else gets to choose their section.  And of course, as usual, eunuchs can’t come.

UK Universities allowed to segregate genders during debates: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/universityeducation/10468115/Universities-can-segregate-men-and-women-for-debates.html

And in hysterical numerical chimerical clerical news tonight, Methodist Reverend Frank Schaefer was suspended for 30 days for the crime of officiating at his son’s wedding, made heinous by the fact that his son was marrying a dude.

Methodist couples everywhere are already feeling a little gayer, and are up in arms about the so-called “Fairy God Father”.  

Schaefer was tried before a jury of clergy and found guilty of not sufficiently hating queers, for which he received a suspension that many feel is tantamount to a defrocking.  But considering the kind of macabre historical horrors the term “jury of clergy” conjures in my mind, it could be a hell of a lot worse, I suppose.

Yeah this is really just a slap on the limp wrist.  Worst case scenario, the Methodists build a bridge out of him.

During his trial, Schaefer continuously emphasized that he felt god calling him to minister openly for gay equality, but the jury dismissed this because apparently even clergy are skeptical of the whole “god” thing.

Pastor suspended 30 days for officiating at his son’s gay wedding: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/lively-testimony-in-penalty-phase-of-trial-for-pastor-who-officiated-at-gay-sons-wedding/2013/11/19/f5402942-5146-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1_story.html

And in “Riyadh Reach Around” news . . . Just when you thought Saudi Arabia was getting too sexually promiscuous, the federal team of middle school dance chaperones known as The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, has stepped in to cure the torso-contact epidemic that’s been plaguing the country.  When concerned citizens reported a local man giving away illegal exotic things called hoogs, or hugs, the buzz kill squad launched a massive investigation.

All part of the “Thugs not Hugs” campaign.  Considering the sentencing guidelines in Saudi Arabia this dude is lucky if they don’t amputate his torso.

In a true Rama-Donnie Brasco story (Callback – TSSSSST!!!), an extremely brave undercover agent was able to catch the perp on tape: “So we’re really doing this, Abdulrahman al-KhayyalI who lives at 127 Muslim Boulevard in Riyadh?  I give you zero dollars, and you give me an illegal exotic bodily embrace?  Ok he’s doing it!  Abra-Cadab- no Allah-Kazaam!!! Red team go!!!  Red team go!!!”

What a massive waste of public resources.  Sure, they’ll nail all the huggers, but while they’re focused on that you have blasphemers and rape-victims roaming free in the streets.

Couple of fun facts about the the Sharia Sheriffs – aka the SS.  First of all, they resent being compared to the Nazi secret police, although they do respect the anti-Jew sentiment underlying the tenets of German national socialism.  

At least it’s an ethos…

Second fun fact: These are the same guys who famously promoted virtue in 2002, by murdering 15 schoolgirls in a fire.  They righteously prevented them from leaving a burning building without anti-rape outerwear, which are required in public places like the outside of a burning building.  Crisis averted.

Saudi Man arrested for giving out free hugs: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/saudi-arabia-man-arrested-for-giving-out-free-hugs-8953720.html

And in baby dick litigation news, a rabbinical court has ordered an Israeli mother to pay a fine of one hundred and forty dollars a day until she surgically alters her infant’s penis like a good Jewish mother.

And in penis headline form: Plagued by foreskin envy, “Members of the Tribe” are calling for “just the tip of the Weisberg”.  Nobody raises penis veal in Israel without the Jewish Mafia getting a piece of the action.  

Fearing that allowing her to not adulterate her son’s naughty bits could set a dangerous precedent that would add fuel to the growing international controversy over the unsanitary perversity of grown men licking bloody baby cock, the court posed the following question in its ruling, “How will the world react if even [in Israel] the issue of circumcision is given to the discretion of any person, according to their own beliefs?”

Yeah Israel would be a laughing stock. What kind of theocracy can’t even enforce mandatory genital mutilation?!?  That’s just embarrassing.  Plus lots of guys would never get their dick sucked if it weren’t for the mohel.  And how else can you inoculate the infant population with herpes to prevent herpes?!?  

The court went on to label commonsense objections to circumcision in general and the part where some herpetic newborn-groupie goes all Miley Cyrus on 8 day old testicles in particular as anti-semitism that must be combatted.  So for those of you keeping score at home, objecting to sucking an infant’s dick is anti-semitic; objecting to sucking an adolescent’s dick is anti-Catholic.

Israeli rabbinical court orders mother to circumcise her son: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/26/jewish-court-tries-to-force-mother-to-circumcise-her-young-son-on-penalty-of-daily-fines/

And in “Jizzm Schism” news, conservative Christian groups are planning a ‘Day of Prayer’ on December 10th, to rid the world of pornography, and the resulting murder of babies during the controversial “negative first” trimester.  Their missionary position on the issue blames smut and hand abortions for brand new societal woes like rape and thunderstorms.      

I just want to know how much I have to chafe my chicken before I can summon a shark-nado.

Try harder . . . Not wanting to get “cock sock blocked” and/or “beaver damned”, personal orgasm rights advocates will stage a “passive day of nothing” that will coincide and compete with the Christian protest.  There’s no plan, so everyone will probably just stay home and jerk off like usual.  When porn continues to exist the next day, we’ll have proof that masturbation is at least as effective as prayer.  I think it might be–

I’m way ahead of you.  30 seconds already on the clock … Christian Euphemisms for Masturbation … GO!!!

Spreading a handful of Holy Seed

Snake-handling.

Dressing your salad with popercorn ranch

Straightening the crozier

Knowing Thyself Biblically

Shit, “beating the bishop” is already a euphemism isn’t it?  For being forced to whack off your bishop?

Dishonorable Discharge from the Salvation Army

Nailing your palm?

Thumping Below the Bible Belt

Christian group plans “Day of Prayer” against porn: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/conservative-groups-plan-prayer-vigil-against-pornography/

I guess it’s true what they say; masturbation jokes are more fun with a partner.  So that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

I’m sticking with “Messiah-nara, bitches!”

And when we come back Lucinda will join us to beg you for money.

 

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the monthly couple of minutes we normally set aside to highlight all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world.  But because of a combination of there not being much going on in December and me not wanting to highlight all the 2014 shit until next month, there won’t be any highlighting of conferences and events this month.

But because we still had two minutes to fill and I wanted to write a new music bed for this bit, I’ve decided to go a different direction.  Like most atheists that grew up in a predominantly Christian culture, I find myself celebrating all the traditional Christian holidays and this December I’m hoping to break that habit by trying on some new December holidays.  If you’d care to join me, here are a few non-Jesusy reasons to celebrate this holiday season:

12/1 World Aids day – for those who wish to celebrate AIDS.  Not sure that this one is for me, but it sounds like a holiday Heath could really get behind.

12/7, a date that will live in infamy, is International Civil Aviation day, which we celebrate by flying airplanes that almost never bomb Pearl Harbor.

12/10 Human Rights Day – Not sure what that’s all about, but I figured the humanists would love it because it has their name right in the title.

12/11 National Noodle Day – I only mention it because there aren’t enough Pastafarian holidays.

12/21 Winter Solstice – A pagan holiday celebrated by doing all the Christmas stuff without the Jesus dolls.  And if you’re with pagans there will also probably be some naked bonfire related activity.

12/25 Newtonmas – If you’re looking for a person born on this day over whom you can exchange gifts, decorate a tree and bake a ham, fuck Jesus.  How about Sir Issac Newton?  Seriously.  Golden rule, laws of motion; getting crucified like a pussy, developing calculus; saving a whore, building the world’s first operational reflecting telescope.  Jesus has nothing on that motherfucker.

Anyway, that wraps the calendar segment for this month, but we’ll do it again next month, only we’ll talk about atheist events and shit like we normally do.

Thanks:

In keeping with the Thanksgiving tradition, we thought we at the Scathing Atheist would take a minute to reflect on what we’re thankful for this year.  Things like family,

Friends…

The thematic smut suggestion website called Pandora’s Box…

Indecisive juries and the improper handling of DNA evidence…

Multiple orgasms…

Late-term abortions…That was a close one…

Sylvia Brown not being alive…

Rechargeable batteries…

Subtle references to dildos…

But above all things, we’re thankful for our listeners.  We’re thankful that people are willing to invest thirty minutes a week of their life listening to us make jokes about anally raping Jesus.

And we’re thankful for all the encouraging emails, facebook messages and iTunes reviews that people have taken the time to send.

And we’re thankful that the FCC hasn’t cock-blocked podcasting yet…

And we’re thankful that we’re able to find the cummulative 50 hours a week it takes to write, record and edit this show.

And we’re thankful that you have a spouse who’s so understanding and supportive

And makes awesome Thanksgiving desserts.

And of course, we’re thankful for all the people who support the show financially and keep our little operation afloat.

Because telling god to go fuck himself is more expensive than you think.

But luckily, for just one easy payment of however much you care to give us, you can help us bring you the very best dick puns and ass plays on words, in the business.

So a genuine thanks to everybody who gives us thirty minutes of their life.

And if you’d like to say “you’re welcome”, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

 

Song:

In chapter one God makes the universe and it takes seven days.

In chapter two he makes it again… in a contradictory way.

By chapter three he’s made Adam, here he makes Eve,

Then he kicks them out of Eden cause they’re covered in leaves?

In four God’s a dick to Cain, but not Abel,

So Cain strikes down his brother like the tower of Babel.

In chapter six we meet Noah; God says “Get ready for bruises,

You’re going on the worst boat ride there’ll be until Carnival Cruises.”

He gathers all the animals and builds a big boat,

And I guess no one else had anything on which they could float

Noah praises God for all the people he whacked,

But glancing at his cock’s an unforgivable act.

Then we spend an entire fucking chapter or two,

Learning ad nauseum who begat who.

By chapter twelve we meet Abraham and he uproots his life,

Takes his shit to Egypt and starts pimping his wife.

He fucks a slave, she has a kid and they exile that one,

But then at ninety-nine Sarah bares him a legitimate son.

In seventeen Abraham makes a crazy decision,

Regarding all his sons and slaves and adult circumcision.

In Twenty-Two he gets all screwy, and takes Isaac, his tyke,

Up a mountain and almost sacrifices him before the angels say, “Psyche!”

Abraham tells God there’s at least ten in Sodom with class,

So he sends a couple angels that they try to fuck in the ass.

And when you try to ass-rape angels, what comes is your fault,

Whether your town’s burned down by brimstone or you’re turned into salt.

Later Isaac meets Rebekah, they have Jake and Esau,

The big brother’s got the muscle but the brains of a cow.

Jacob tricks him from his birthright for a warm bowl of soup,

And his old near-sighted daddy’s just as easy to dupe.

Jacob takes two wives, fucks both of them and their maids.

I swear a chapter’s dedicated to Jake getting laid.

He has a dozen sons in all but he liked Joseph the best,

So his bro’s conspire against him and they steal his vest.

They sell him as a slave and tell daddy he’s dead.

He winds up a slave of Pharaoh for not performing in bed.

Here he goes all psychic, starts interpreting dreams.

It takes a couple years but at last he’s redeemed.

He stores up food for famine and he gets filthy rich;

His bros come needing munchies and he makes ‘em his bitch.

Then Joey shows back up, much to daddy’s surprise.

Jacob, now called Israel, eventually dies…

Chapter fifty’s so uplifting, all the tribes makes a truce;

And by now god’s promised the entire known world to the Jews.

 

Jews____ Back then, though, they were called the He-

Brews____ Those lucky fucks were the one god would

Choose____ Which is why nothing bad ever happens to

Jews.

Outro:

Before we wrap up the leftovers tonight I wanted to let everyone know that Heath and I were invited to take part in a panel on the InKredulous Podcast next month.  Not sure exactly when that’ll be available but as soon as it is I’ll let you know via Twitter, Facebook and the blog, all of which, of course, you follow and or subscribe to and or like.

And with cyber Monday rapidly approaching, I wanted to also remind everyone to check out our CafePress site for all your godless holiday shopping needs.  You’ll find a link to it on our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, but you’re clever enough to Google it even without the link.

And at the risk of beating this whole “giving of thanks” thing to death, I need to thank Heath for being a clever, funny, godless bastard; I need to thank Lucinda for taking a break from cooking vast quantities of food to help us out tonight; I also need to thank Lucinda for cooking vast quantities of food and, as you may have noticed, we’re still always looking for more Farnsworth quotes, so if you have a blog or a podcast to promote or you just want to hear your voice at the beginning of the show, email me a clip; you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most vivacious vertebrates; Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul.  Meredith, who’s such an incomparable badass they had to put the word “death” in her first name; April, whose face I’m totally carving into Mount Rushmore first chance I get; Rob, who, no offense to Peter Capaldi, would have made a way better 12th doctor; Bart, slayer of six fingered giants; Richard, whose ceaseless generosity has damn near earned his own theme song; Jeffrey, whose melodious voice is sweet enough to cause adult-onset diabetes; Benjamin, whose intergalactic reputation with a katana keeps the alien invasion forces at bay; Ross, whose ejactulate is legal tender in many island nations; Chris, whose gravitas causes quarks to chill the fuck out and act normal in his presence and Paul, who, through sheer tenacity, has earned the right to divide by zero.

These ten valorous paragons of profundity have earned eternally archived praise and first dibs on the left over green bean casserole and stuffing this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the civility, agility, virility and mental ability required to give us money, but if you think you share Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul’s laudable percipience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to earn our perennial appreciation for free, you could always leave us a five star review on iTunes.  And if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher, download the free and very awesome app and check us out there as well.  Really helps our ranking and helps more people find the show.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 39: Partial Transcript

November 14, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Warning: The explicit language used in this show has been known to cause incontinence.  Will you shit yourself?  Depends.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by…

Schindler’s Listerine Pocket Size Kosher Mouthwash . . .

Did the Holocaust leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did a pedophile rabbi leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did Jewish cuisine leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You’ve got diasporas, pilgrimmages, J-Dates, pogroms … You can’t be carrying around big clumsy bottles.

For Jews on the go: Never forget . . . your bottle of Schindler’s Listerine.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 14th,

And the date-rapist mustache is a weird choice for prostate cancer awareness.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from home of the nation’s tallest phallic structure, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Christians build an enormous airplane, to carry a smaller airplane full of bibles to Korea.

  • We’ll say “put 30 seconds on the clock” and then do 53 seconds worth of shit,

  • And due to sheer volume, disgraced clergy are no longer considered ironic.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

I know I shouldn’t but sometimes I feel sorry for the theists that argue with me… or any well read atheist for that matter.  Jeremey Bien from Reasonable Doubts offered up a great analogy once.  He said that if you want to know what it feels like to be the theist in a religious debate, go find a well read vegan and argue with them about eating meat.  The facts are all on their side, they’ll beat you in the argument, you’ll eventually realize that you’re wrong and then you’ll go home and have a burger.

I always try to keep that in mind when I reach that point in a debate where my opponent is clearly intentionally misunderstanding me.  If you’ve taken part in any of these debates, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s the point where you actually see the wall come down and that fearful glaze appears and quickly disappears in their eyes and they mentally erase the point you just made and come back with, “But Jesus said Jesus Jesus!”

This reaction leads a lot of atheists to believe that there’s just no point in arguing with Christians.  You never win, right?  Well, if by “win” you mean that you actually get to watch them lose their faith in god and and admit that they were wrong, yeah, you never win.  But if you define “winning” as forcing them into the “Jesus said Jesus Jesus” phase of the argument, you never lose.

Greta Christina gives a great talk where she addresses this perceived futility.  She starts off by reminding everybody how pointless it is to debate with religious people.  They never listen, right?  And then she asks for a show of hands from everybody who was “reasoned” out of their faith.  And at least half the hands in the room go up.

When we debate, we’re planting seeds and it doesn’t matter that we never get to pick the fruits.  The seeds are there and if there’s one thing a religious brain has plenty of, it’s fertilizer.

I only point this out because it’s easy to miss the impact that we’re having.  Those of us with devangelical bent can look at our day to day success rate and get really depressed.  But if we take a long view, it’s damn encouraging.

We’ve talked plenty on this show about the statistical spike in atheism and that’s obviously the most important metric in this discussion so clearly we as a community are doing something right, but you don’t need pollsters and statisticians to see the difference we’re making.  If you want to know how far we’ve come, just look at the way the debate itself has evolved.

A hundred years ago people were still offering up positive examples in their argument for god.  They would point to things in the world and say, “therefore god”.  But as evolution, genetics, cosmology and physics have come into clearer focus, those arguments have been relegated to circle-jerks of stupidity.  The learned theists abandoned those positive examples and shifted to negative examples.  Instead of offering a case for god, they piss away their intellectual efforts poking holes in the alternatives.

Think about what a massive step backwards that really is.  You’ve gone from trying to prove that your god exists to trying to prove that the guy who says your god doesn’t exist is wrong on a topic that is only tangentially related.  Instead of “the human eye is awesome, therefore god” it’s become “the human eye could be less awesome, therefore possibly not un-god.”

Now, I don’t have to point out that if evolution were somehow proved to be incorrect, god doesn’t win by default.  If somehow it were proved that there’s no absolute secular moral standard that prohibits murder, god doesn’t somehow get promoted.  But the theists act like god is some kind of beauty pageant runner up or something.  Like he’s the vice-answer that gets to step in and take over if the real answer is ever unable to fulfill its duties.

And what’s worse is that they know that’s incorrect.  Sure, there are some ignorant jackasses defending Jesus that don’t recognize concepts like false-dichotomy, but there are plenty of damn smart theists arguing for god and they know good and damn well that knocking down evolution would really be step negative 26 toward proving god, but they still feel compelled to do it.  They know that before they can even get to their pathetic proofs they have to dig all that science and logic out of your brain to make room for Jesus.

Hell, I’m sure you’re as sick of hearing religiots saying “atheism is just another religion” as I am, but if you set aside how ridiculously wrong that is for a second you can’t help but admire what a huge win this is for us.  If their best argument is a false analogy that desperately hopes to prove that we suck as bad as they do, we’re clearly winning.

Every argument counts.  Every debate matters.  Every chip off that stone adds up.  Never lose sight of this important fact; everybody who has ever given up their faith, everybody who has ever set aside the prison of superstition and embraced reality did so because of one point; one question; one analogy  Sure, other people may have stacked a lot of hay on that camel before, but every time you put another straw on there, know that it might be the last one.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines is “guy who sounds like Randall from Clerks”, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to wrangle out the door for everyone?

There I go, and I am a bersker.  And speaking of Jersey, congrats to the Red Bank Humanists, who put up an atheist billboard that hasn’t been righteously vandalized yet.  

Give them time…

In our lead story tonight, Hasidic rabbis are estimated to body rape about 50 percent of the young boys they are divinely tasked with mind raping.  Victim activist – Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg – believes (quote) “around half of young males in Brooklyn, New York’s Hasidic community […] have been victims of sexual assault perpetrated by their elders.” (rear end quote) Ben Hirsch, director of victim advocacy group Survivors For Justice, suggests the number to be EVEN WORSE!!!

I’ve been saying it for years.  Why do you think they make the boys grow their hair out like that?  Fuckin’ rape handles.

These numbers are only estimates, admittedly based on anecdotal evidence, so let’s say these experts are WAY OFF this time.  Give them a terrible margin of error: say 60 percent (or 30 percentage points) . . . That means as many as 80 percent of young boys were sexually abused!!!  With a floor of 20 percent!!!  In this extremely generous expert mistake scenario, a minimum of ONE IN FIVE young boys gets raped!!!

Yeah, but I’m sure there was some kind of rape four, get the fifth one free going on.

When asked about how these numbers stack up against Catholics, I imagine one Hasidic Jewish victim responded: (quote) “Altar boy?  I should be so lucky.  Over there, they roll dice, so you only lose one in six.  Here they just flip a coin.” (end quote)  This was confirmed by one boldly honest hypothetical rabbi: (quote) “How do we decide who to rape and how?  We flip a shekel.  Heads and tails should be self-explanatory.” (rear end quote)

Yeah, the bell curve keeps skewing the Catholic’s way.  I swear, Pope Franks for Nothin’ gives a few more handjobs to people with boils on the Twitter and the secular community might just forget all about the institutionalized child rape thing.

As a reward for whistle blowing all the whistle blowing, Rabbi Rosenberg has been shunned by the Hasidic community and attacked with bleach.  Muslims throw acid, Jews throw strong base.  They really are the Yankees and Red Sox of monotheism.  Before we wrap up this wonderful story, I’d like to applaud us for omitting the graphic details of the pedophilia witnessed in 2005 by Rabbi Rosenberg in Jerusalem’s holiest bath house.  At least atheists call a brothel a brothel.    

Hasidic rabbis rape about half the available little boys: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/13/can-this-number-be-credible-jewish-anti-abuse-activists-say-half-of-hasidic-boys-are-raped-by-elders/

And in “Turn the Other Cheek my Ass” news tonight, Texas congressmen Sam Johnson is livid over an infringement on his freedom to tell other people what to do.  The cataclysmic affront to American values began early last month when the Air Force Academy chose to make the “under god” portion of it’s service oath optional.

What’s his complaint exactly? . . .  The earth science section of the bible puts god at 30,000 feet.  They routinely fly above that altitude.

Coupling his outrage over the service-oath adjustment with the ever-present fury over being named after a cock and bearing a striking resemblance to the pedophile character in Family Guy, Johnson lashed out with a proposed bill that would require congressional approval before any changes could be made to the administration of the uniformed service oath.

What the fuck?!?  Nobody’s suggesting radical, overtly atheist language anywhere.  This is the mildest change ever, and he’s complaining.  All that’s happening, is we’re no longer specifying the thing under which we are.  We’re not even saying whether that thing is or isn’t.  We’re just not addressing the prepositional concept of “under”.  So we’ve offensively ignored the ever-latent above/below duality in the oath?!?  Really?!?    

I’m guessing his justification won’t placate you much.  He said that (quote) “There are no atheists in foxholes.  We are the land of the free because of the brave” (end quote).  So setting aside the brazen douche-baggery it takes to act like brave and atheist are mutually exclusive, I think it’s important to note that this move was made to accommodate atheists in the military.  If, as Representative Circumcised Salami claims, there are no atheists in the military, what is he so pissed off about?

Airforce makes “Under God” pledge optional, Texas congressman is livid: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/09/texas-congressman-is-on-the-warpath-to-make-atheist-military-cadets-swear-an-oath-containing-so-help-me-god/

In “Darwin Awards Talent Search” news, Tennessee pastor and aspiring Indiana Jones villain – Andrew Hamblin – vows to continue handing deadly serpents to local stupid people, despite a raid by wildlife authorities that emptied his Temple-of-Doom-style snake pit.  

Sorry, but my inner-geek has to point out that in Temple of Doom it was bugs, not snakes.  The snakes were in the first one.

Indiana Jones minutia notwithstanding, the atheist community is buzzing, as we may have finally discovered a stupid thing caused by dogmatic adherence to wrongness books.          

See, I think you might be letting your personal biases color your appraisal of this situation.  After all, who are you to say that giving deadly serpents to inbred Christians is a bad thing.  I mean, we all agree that genocide is a bad thing when it isn’t voluntary, but this is new ground on the moral landscape here.

The level of stupidity does make it tricky.  Hamblin was asked: (quote) “Using the word ‘snakes’ three times, and a dumb redneck speech pattern, please tell us your opinion on the raid.”  He responded (quote) “It doesn’t bother me that they took the snakes, because I can always get more snakes. There can always be more snakes that can be found.”

Someone yelled “Not enough dumb redneck speech pattern!” . . .

At which point Hamblin added, “And that don’t deter me . . . [Go wait in the truck!]”

I’m disappointed.  I was hoping for him to put up more of a fight.  Something like, “You can have my snakes when you pry them from my cold, necrotic stumps.”

When asked for a final quote that betrays his untenable stance, accidentally making the atheist point for us, he said: (quote) “What bothers me is that this is not a place of business.  This is not a home.  Had this been a home or a business, yes, raid it.  But this is a church.  This is a place of worship.” (end quote)  We pray here.  This is GOD’S stash of heroin and dirty bombs.  This is GOD’S frenzied pack of herpetic wolverines.

Knoxville Preacher busted with illegal snakes: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/08/tennessee-wildlife-resources-agency-has-had-it-with-these-mothering-snakes-in-this-mothering-church/

And in part two of our weekly denigration of Texas tonight, polyamorous pastor Doug Phillips has stepped down as the head of the Texas-based “Vision Forum Ministries” after admitting to an extramarital platonic affair.  That’s right, when faced with overwhelming evidence that the married father of eight was fuckin’ the baby sitter, he admitted to having an inappropriate, but not sexual relationship.  I shit you not, (quote) “While we did not ‘know’ each other in a Biblical sense, [the relationship] was nevertheless inappropriately romantic and affectionate”

  • Worst clergy excuse since: “There’s nothing about the neighbor’s husband.”

  • “I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY because we did it Muslim style.  I knew her Kor-Anally.”  

  • “There might be some creationism in her uterus, but it’s not mine.  It’s one of God’s children.  My DNA test was immaculate.”

  • “I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY, but I poked my nose between her pages a little, if you know what I’m sayin’.”  

Phillips is an outspoken proponent of male “dominion” over women and preaches a notoriously sexist, arrogant and antiquated view of marriage.  Needless to say. news of his adultery left his congregants expressing shock that there were multiple women that would fuck him.

Well the baby sitter didn’t fuck him.  At most, she gave him a “know job”.  She knew him like a mohel knows a bloody, mutilated, infant penis.

While Phillips has stepped down as the public face of the for-profit ministry, he still maintains ownership and control in every way that matters.  He’s cancelled all his speaking engagements for the foreseeable future and intends to spend his time, (quote), “focusing on counting the 3 million dollars a year I rake in telling women to go make me a sandwich, motherfuckers!!!”

Patriarchy priest resigns because of extramarital affair: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/06/homeschooling-leader-doug-phillips-resigns-amidst-extramarital-relationship-keeps-business/

And in “Felix and Oscars” news, the coveted homophobic “Bigot of the Year” at the Stonewall Awards goes to Pat Robertson, for being the person who most “gratuitously caused hurt and offense to gay people” over the last twelve months of the hate season.  

In our wildest dreams, we’ll never be as powerful a force for atheism as that frothing lunatic.

Seems to me like Robertson is the Meryl Streep of the Stonewall Awards, and deserves more of a lifetime achievement presentation.  But they couldn’t fit all that queer-hate into a single video montage, so they had to settle on highlights from this year only.  

And keep in mind that he’s a multi-instrumentalist in the bigotry orchestra.  He managed to squeeze award winning amounts of queer-hatin’ in while still hating atheists, Muslims, jews, actors, blacks, latinos, asians, Ukrainians… that guy is a machine.

So if you’re wondering how to gratuitously hurt and offend gays, here’s a few examples from a positive role model.  Start by comparing transgender people as a group, to your castrated horse.  Evidently, they hate that.  Then maybe suggest that laws against anti-gay discrimination are unconsitutional because Christians could go to jail.  Follow this up by pointing out that gays are just straight people who (quote) “had the god fucked out of them.”  Then round out your homophobic rant by asking for a “vomit button” for disliking gay shit on Facebook.  And finally close it with a line about the secret “GAIDS Handshake” dirty needle rings.

Pat Robertson wins “Bigot of the Year” award: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/08/pat-robertson-bigot-of-the-year_n_4240117.html

And in “What, no Manna?” news tonight, American pastor Eric Foley became the latest in a long and proud line of Christian missionaries who have gone to great lengths and expense to give bibles to starving people.

“I’m about to die of malnutrition, so thanks for this . . . I’d wipe my ass with the pages, but I don’t shit, because I don’t eat, so . . . I guess it’ll be nice to have something unreadable to look at until I die tomorrow.  You’re sure this is gonna work?  I skim the first and last sentence of each chapter, and I’ll be able to BS my way into heaven?  Apparently St. Peter is a shitty middle school English teacher.”

This latest misguided attempt at a high-fiber diet took place along the border of North Korea, where Christian mission group and sad attempt at cleverness “Seoul USA” has been surreptitiously dropping balloon-loads of bibles on the malnourished populace of one of the world’s most oppressive governments for months.

I’ve got a suggestion for where those bullshit-smugglers can put the balloons full of bibles.  Clergy experiment with “religion via suppository” all the time.  Doesn’t usually get them in trouble.  

When asked why they chose to sneak bibles into the country instead of useful stuff like food, medicine or anything other than a bible, Reverend Foley chewed on his cellphone or barked or something because you’d have to be a drooling fucking retard not to realize what an insultingly stupid waste of resources this is.

Korean Bible Drop: http://www.foxnews.com/world/2013/11/08/bible-drop-christian-group-takes-to-sky-to-sneak-gospel-into-north-korea/

And from the expansive “Christian Forcing Captive Kids to Do Stuff” file, school bus driver, Minnesota pastor, and asshole with roman numerals after his name – George Nathaniel EyeEyeEye – was fired from his more gainful employment for refusing to stop evangelizing to public school children stuck in his prayer bus.

That’s gotta make it damn hard to maintain the “back and forth jostling bus stiffy”.

After complaints of unsolicited religious advances, he was assigned to a different group of children, much like a disgraced priest.  Finally, after failing to heed repeated warnings to stop violating district policy and the First Amendment, EyeEyeEye was terminated.  The district of Burnsville will have to quickly find someone qualified to … silently drive a bus.

Okay, question one; the wheels on the bus go round and… what?  Okay good.  Question two; it is acceptable to theologically brain rape the kids (a) occasionally or (b) never?

This week’s set of headlines seem to have established a theme of mental rape more than usual, so I guess I’ll roll with it . . . Put in the worst possible words, kids do need to be brain raped to some extent.  Gotta learn.  But let’s keep it to a minimum.  Maybe just true things, if we’re making a rule about minimizing the brain rape.

Bus driver refuses to stop praying to captive children, gets fired: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/07/praying-bus-driver-fired_n_4234315.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, in part three of our weekly denigration of Texas, Pastor Phillip Heinze of the Calvary Lutheran Church in Fort Worth has learned that raping people’s brains is a lot like raping people’s assholes… it helps if they’re drunk.  This inspiration led him to start an outreach program called, “Church-in-a-pub”.

Fort Worth WalMart is installing a pub?  Texans can finally get drunk, buy guns, hate queers, and love Jesus, all under one roof.  Used to be two roofs.  

Firmly supplanting karaoke as the most annoying thing in a bar, the unconventional location for the ministry helps spread the word of Jesus to the segment of society most likely to be dealing with perpetually damaged brain cells while simultaneously sparing the congregation the expense of rent.

So at the risk of overplaying this bit, 30 seconds on the clock, Jesus themed booze:

Killed By Jews Booze . . . Gotta explain something here.  The reason we go after the Jews so much is primarily because “Jew” is a single syllable that works easily into puns.  It’s nothing personal except when it is.  Anyway. . . Holy Spirits – Game On! . . .

Jesus of Nazar-Ethanol

One Samuel Adams?

Glenn Beck’s?  No, fuck him . . . King James-eson?

Burning Busch

Remy Martin Luther . . . Origin and Tonic

Absolution Vodka

Well he probably didn’t like Rusty Nails . . . Screwdriver Up Against the Cross With a Twist?

Fort Worth congregation starts “Church-in-a-pub”: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/12/texas-church-attracts-new-followers-with-beer/

And on that long list of reasons to take a quick break from recording, we’ll wrap the headlines.  Heath, thanks for your biting wit and insight.

And when we come back, we’ll be drunker.

Skit:

Mark: C’mon in guys.

Matthew: Sup Mark?

Mark: Nothin’ much.  Appreciate you guys coming out.  Is um… where’s John?

Luke: He had a date.

Mark: A date?

Matthew: Yeah… he said he would just copy off our notes later.

Mark: Really?  I mean, we’re transcribing the life of god’s only begotten son.  Pretty important that he… you know, show up.

Luke: You got any beers?

Mark: No, Luke, this is serious stuff.  I figured we would stay sober for it.

Luke: (mockingly) I figured we’d stay sober…

Mark: So go ahead and grab a quill and some parchment there.  I figured we could just jot down a few notes before we got started.

Matthew: What notes?  We were all there.  Can’t we just tell the story the way we saw it?

Mark: Sure, Luke, that’s the plan, but this is possibly the most important story ever recorded.  It’s vital that we present a unified account of the events.  You know, for posterity.

Matthew: Sure, why not?

Mark: Okay, so let’s start with Jesus’s birth.  Jesus was born in Nazareth…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  Bethlehem.  Galilee.

Mark: What?

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  Bethlehem.  Galilee.

Mark: No, Nazareth.

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  No, Bethlehem.  No, Galilee

Mark: His last name is “Of Nazareth”.

Luke: Yeah, but they moved to Nazareth later.  He was born in Bethlehem.

Matthew: In a manger.

Mark: What?

Matthew: Yeah, because of the census.

Mark: What census?

Luke: Oooh… and his mom was a virgin.

Matthew: Nice.

Mark: Guys, that doesn’t even make sense.  Look, we need to take this seriously.

Luke: Oh, and check this out; how about three wise men showed up when he was born and crowned him the king of earth while he was still a baby.

Matthew: I don’t know about all that, but I like the virgin birth bit.

Mark: But that didn’t happen!  Guys, I think it’s important that we don’t exaggerate.

Luke: Who’s exaggerating?  If he hadn’t been crowned king, how else would he have escaped king Herod’s order to execute all the children under two years of age.

Mark: The what?

Matthew: And he had laser vision!

Mark: No laser vision.

Matthew: Aw, c’mon…

Mark: Look, I’m writing down Nazareth.  Jesus was born in Nazareth.

Luke: Fine.  I’m writing down he was born in Bethlehem to a virgin during a Roman census under the threat of Herod’s infanticidal dictum.

Matthew: And I’m giving him laser vision.

Mark: No laser vision!

Matthew: No beer, no laser vision… you suck, Mark.

Mark: You know what, let’s just… let’s just put the birth stuff on the back burner for a minute.  I mean, this story is more about his death than his birth anyway, right?

Luke: Couldn’t agree more.

Mark: So we do all agree that he was crucified, right?

Luke: Of course.

Mark: So they stick him on the cross, he cries out for god and then he dies.

Luke: Right.

Matthew: I think it would be better if… and just hear me out on this one, but wouldn’t it be better if he forgave his killers?  And then reassured the good thief and then like… offered himself up to god.  That would be way cooler.

Mark: Yeah, maybe, but that’s not how it happened.

Matthew: Well, maybe that’s how I remember it.

Mark: Guys, this is getting out of hand here.  Jesus gets crucified, he cries out to god and he dies.  They stick him in the tomb.

Luke: Right.  And then his mom and his lady friend went back to the tomb…

Mark: …wasn’t Salome there as well?

Matthew: …and Joanna.

Mark: And when they get there, they find…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously): Two men in dazzling apparel The angel of the lord

Mark: See, this is what I’m talking about.  It was a dude in a white robe.  It ends with them finding the empty tomb and a dude in a white robe.  The end, roll credits.

Matthew: Well, what about when he came back to life?

Mark: When he what!?

Matthew: Yeah, he appeared in a room in Jerusalem…

Luke: …a mountain in Galilee you mean…

Matthew: …to his disciples…

Luke: …and everybody else…

Matthew: …and he assured them that he would come again.

Luke: …and he had an army of zombies.

Mark: Guys, this just happened.  If you we write that he had an army of zombies and laser vision everybody’s gonna know you’re full of shit.

Matthew: Okay fine, no laser vision.

Luke: But we’re keeping the zombies.

Mark: We’re not keeping the zombies.

Luke: In my gospel, there’s gonna be zombies.

Mark: What do you mean your gospel?  There’s just gonna be one gospel.

Luke:  I thought we’d each write our own.

Yeah, that sounds way better.

Mark: Well… fine, but we at least have to get the details right, then.  I mean, how can we each throw out a gospel that tells a different story about the guy?  Who would ever believe that?

Luke: You’d be surprised.

Outro

Before we lick the plate tonight I wanted to thank everybody who checked out our CafePress site at CafePress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and picked up some of the fine logoed merchandise there.  I’m sure a lot of little faces are gonna be really happy when they unwrap that Scathing Atheist logo beer stein on Christmas morning.

I also wanted to let everyone who hasn’t checked out the site know that we have a special going on Scathing Atheist Christmas Tree ornaments so if you have one of those trees at the local mall that let’s people put up their own ornaments or anything, it’s six dollars and sixty-six cents well spent.  Also a great one to sneak onto grandma’s tree to get an awkward conversation started.

Also need to thank John and JD from the Rational Talk podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  They’re podcast is a new one, but it’s fun, it’s raunchy and it’s got a lot of promise; definitely one worth checking out.  The name makes it hard to Google so be sure to check the shownotes on this week’s episode for a link or check them out at THE Rational Talk (dot) com.

Also need to thank Lucinda as always for molding me into the human being that I am today through boundless reserves of patience and tolerance.  Oh, and also for providing the explicit language warning this week.  And also for that thing she does with her tongue and she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I also need to thank Heath for that thing he does with his tongue; and for all you know, I’m referring to all the talking and being funny he does on this show every week.  And while we’re doling out appreciation, I also want to thank Tony Romo and Dez Bryant for sucking balls against the Saints last week leading to an improbable and narrow victory for my Fantasy Team over Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, thus ending a three game slide and putting me back into third place as we approach the postseason.

But most of all I need to thank this week’s distressingly short list of the world’s best people, Robert and Thomas.  Robert, whose penis is rivalled in size and power only by the high water mark of the Mongolian empire and Thomas, whose evolutionary perfection would make his genetic code an international best-seller.  These two pillars of humanity have improved the lives of countless rational beings across the Virgo Cluster this week by giving us money.  Our donation system is, of course, highly selective in who it will allow to give us money, but if you think you share the pansophical cunning of Robert and Thomas, feel free to find out by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And remember, the more money it allows you to give, the better a human being you are.

Oh, and a quick note.  Up to now I’ve done a song on every tenth episode.  I’ve got one written for episode 40 but with the Holy Babble segment and the poem and everything we won’t have room for it next week so you’ll have to wait an extra week to hear me sing about priests raping children.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight.  Remember people who give us a five star reviews on iTunes, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, follow the blog and like us on Facebook get eternal oral sex after they die, and if you don’t believe me, I can write it down in a book and then quote that book to prove it.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 38 – Partial Transcript

November 7, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains some portions edited from the completed episode due to time constraints

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language like shit and fuck.

Sponsor:  Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new television network ESPN Jew; featuring hall of fame sportscasters Marv Albert, Chris Berman, Howard Cosell, Marty Glickman and Al Michaels, narrating an endless loop of Sandy Koufax highlights with occasional snippets of disgraced steroid-abusing Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun.

ESPN Jew, because seriously, it’s Koufax and Bears punter Adam Podlesh.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 7th,

And Brandon Lee died because someone filled in the (blank).

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from post-Bloombergian New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll refresh you with some thinking-man’s abortion jokes.

  • The Jews will continue to have not murdered Jesus,

  • And we do an entire segment on Pennsylvania schools, without a single Sandusky joke.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Normally I do retractions at the end of the show, but this week we’ve got one I want to put right up front.  The atheist blogosphere was abuzz all week last week with stories about a Polish girl who committed suicide to be with her father in heaven.  It was all over social media all week complete with vigilant Jesus-defenders trying to theologically justify it.

Heath and I reported on it as well and the day that episode was released we immediately started seeing the retractions.  It turns out the original story came from a tabloid paper and the more vigilant reporters were unable to confirm any of the details of the story.  It almost certainly never happened.

But even before that news came out, there was a bit of internal conflict about running with this news item.  Even when I didn’t doubt the veracity of the story, I was still hesitant to include it.  Part of my resistance stems from the fact that I’m nowhere near as comfortable as my co-host with the prospect of making jokes about a suicidal elementary schooler, but part of it was simply the extreme nature of the story.  I mean, it’s not like there was a rash of theologically inspired preteen suicides or anything.  Even if this happened it was an extreme, isolated incident.

So when Heath brought up the story I originally objected to it.  I explained my objection and he reasoned me out of them.  And what’s more, the reasons that convinced me are still valid even if the story is bullshit.

This story was so appealing to atheists not because they believed that this was some inevitable consequence of religion, but because it offered a case study in one of the many theological pretzels that comes with the whole afterlife concept.  Whether or not some little girl really killed herself to get to heaven, the questions that it prompted from atheists is no less valid.

As near as I can tell, this whole afterlife thing is the only real feature religion has left to sell.  That and intermittent divine key-location.  And as much as people seem to love the concept of an afterlife, it’s a sex-in-the-shower kind of thing; it sounds good until you start thinking about it.

The Facebook arguments bore this out.  Most of them went like this:

The atheist would say, “Well if she got to be with her dad, wasn’t suicide the right choice?”

And the theist would counter with theological minutia; “No, because suicide is a mortal sin.”

To which the atheist would say, “So god sent the little girl to hell for eternity for missing her dad?”

To which the theist would change the subject, commit a gross logical fallacy or criticize the atheist’s spelling and/or punctuation.

Of course none of this matters because there was no little girl, there is no god and there is no heaven, but that doesn’t spackle over the logic gap at all.

Some of the debates were more utilitarian, of course.  Some people argued for the value of simply believing in heaven whether it existed or not and thus avoided the delicate little-girl-roasting-in-hellfire problem by framing it as a question of proper theological education.

“If somebody told her that suicide was a mortal sin beforehand, she’d never have considered it.”

Okay, maybe that’s true, but how comforting is that to the little girl whose dad shot himself?  What do you tell her?  “Don’t worry, sweetheart, someday you’ll get bicurious and then you’ll get to burn in hell with him.”

I’m sick and tired of listening to people argue the merits of a belief in the afterlife.  It’s an absurd concept no matter how you try to spin it and what’s more, it makes it harder to deal with the reality that dead people are just dead.  That’s usually the hardest thing anyone will ever have to deal with so you’re probably better off trying to deal with it right away rather than cheese-clothing over it with fairy tales until it actually happens.

One way or the other, death is hard to deal with and like most things, rampant illogical bullshit doesn’t make it any easier.  The cold comfort of thinking about grandma looking down from heaven dries up really quick when you’re lubing a dildo.  And the cold comfort of your own immortality dries up when you think about a heaven run by some dude that has a perfectly good paradise elsewhere and put us here instead.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the third member of our two man triumvirate Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to virate?

Sure, why not?  The ladies love things that virate.

In our lead story tonight, an Egyptian atheist was arrested this week for existing.  According to a report from “Ahram Online”, a 20 year old student in the Suez city of Ismailia was arrested after allegedly starting an atheist group on Facebook.

I thought the CIA installed an Atheist Jewish government after causing Arab Spring.

Yeah, that’s what the NSA transcripts say, but apparently not.  This would not mark the first time the Egyptian judicial system has responded to illegal use of emoticons.  In December of last year atheist activist Alber Saber was sentenced to three years in jail for sharing a link to an online film critical of Islam.

They wanted him to post links to all the pro-Islam movies currently dominating world cinema?

Like… Obama’s home movies?

Rama-Donnie Brasco?

Water-boardwalk Empire.

Halal-most Famous.

Anyway, in their continuing effort to make sure the days of the pharaohs remains the highpoint in Egyptian civilization, the nation boasts draconian blasphemy laws that make (quote) “offending religion in any form” punishable by as many as six years in prison or two years service against the legionnaires.

Egyptians arrested for starting atheist Facebook page: http://english.ahram.org.eg/NewsContent/1/64/84968/Egypt/Politics-/Egypt-security-investigates-student-for-forming-at.aspx

And from the “Saviors NOT Murdered By Jews” file … Jesus: the Jews did NOT murder Jesus.  However, according to a 2013 survey, only 75% of Americans are willing to believe the Jewish alibi on this, which says (quote) “None of us are 2000-year-old former citizens of ancient Rome.”  Strangely enough, the remaining 25% tend to be anti-Semitic, despite the fact that – as far as they know – the Jews killed Jesus for their sins.  I think a modicum of gratitude is in order…

That’s a too often overlooked part of this thing.  Sure, Jesus died for the sins, but everybody involved was playing a necessary role in god’s divine plan.  Where’s the love for the guy who made the crown of thorns?  Or the carpenter that put together the cross?  After all, that cat o nine tails didn’t just clean the chunks of flesh out of itself.

Historians and other literate people point out that the Jewish people were slaves in Rome at the time of Jesus’s death, and generally slave populations had little control over government execution policy, as evidenced by the fact that Jewish slaves were getting executed all the time.  Despite this, and several other instances of the Jews NOT murdering people, and one huge instance of the opposite, many Americans still carry anti-Semitic attitudes.  

In preparation for this news story I made the mistake of typing “25% of Americans think…” into the Google search bar.  Possibly the most depressing autocomplete you will ever see.

For example, about 25% believe (quote) “Jews still talk too much about what happened to them in the Holocaust.” (end quote) . . .

Six million little cases of murder and they’re bitching for a century… Jews.

Gotta figure lots of these anti-Semites are Bible Belters . . .

Do you really get a lot of 90-year-old German Jews jogging up next to you in rural Arkansas, you’re just trying to do some cardio, and they won’t stop blabbing on about surviving genocide?    

“You working up a good sweat?  I’m auschvitzing like a pig over here.”

“Shut up Saul- actually that’s pretty funny.  You can say that because you’re Jewi- Look I don’t have time to make holocaust puns with you again!” …

Guess we should put 30 seconds on the cl-

We will not be putting 30 seconds on the clock for a holocaust pun segment.  Moving on.

25% of Americans believe the Jews killed Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/jews-killed-jesus-adl-survey_n_4191568.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And from the “What’s the motto with you?” file tonight, a bill that would put the words “In God We Trust” in every public school in the state has passed through Pennsylvania’s Education committee, reminding atheists and secularists everywhere that rednecks don’t only live in the south.

Those rednecks do spread quickly.  They fuck like rabbits.  Like ignorant, incestuous rabbits.    

Hell, some of them just fuck rabbits.  Anyway, the bill’s sponsor and amputated-testicle joke on a tee Rick Saccone points out that the measure would promote patriotism by reminding school kids that America was founded by the same oppressively religious assholes they had in the rest of the world back then.  Nine of the twenty three members of the committee opposed the bill on the grounds that would cost money and is stupid, but supporters point out that (quote) “them motherfuckers are a bunch of godless commies”.

Yeah it’s the lack of creationist visual aids that’s leading to all the rampant atheism.  Kids don’t trust things unless they have lots of posters with vague, unexplained platitudes.  

Saccone also points out that this will help draw attention to the little known fact that the red-scare inspired change in the nation’s motto wasn’t proposed by just any irrational, divisive, nugatory, reactionary, hysterical, twaddling tit… it was a Pennsylvanian one.

And speaking of propaganda mongers with semi-amputated testicles, Richard Sack-One, aka Dick Half-Sack, aka Only One Kenobi started his political career at the Ministry of Truth in Oceania during the mid-eighties.

Bill to put “In God We Trust” in every classroom passes PA Education committee: http://www.abc27.com/story/23782955/pa-house-gets-bill-to-post-in-god-we-trust-in-schools

And in “Found My Soul Mate” news: Area woman celebrates Halloween dressed as a bloodied Boston Marathon runner . . . According my research, and her twitter handle, I just need to look for (quote) “Some Skank in Michigan” named Alicia Ann Lynch.  

As a native born Michigander I can tell you, we’ve got the best skanks.

She’s perfect for me, right?  Female, 22, self-proclaimed skank … check check check.  And she might just have the best cringe-worthy sense of humor ever.  Close second place in the cringe-worthy humor contest goes to the accidentally hilarious Lisa in Dallas, who tried to angrily respond to Lynch by saying: (quote) “Wow. If she has kids, would she put them in bloodied Sandy Hook shirts?” (end quote)

Inadvertently giving Heath a reason to procreate.

Alicia Lynch (and/or Lisa in Dallas for that matter), I hereby offer to impregnate you, have those kids, and dress them up like Lisa suggests, just so we could take the most offensive and also hilarious family photo of all time.  I’m not suggesting the events themselves are funny, but when  combined with a holiday about death juxtaposed with children in costumes, I can’t avoid a chuckle.  And hand on a Bible, most people in Boston would trade a minor explosion at the marathon for a Red Sox world series all day.

Isn’t it a little too soon for World Series jokes?

Funniest Female Ever: http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/woman-s-boston-marathon-bombing-costume–what-it-says-about-everyone-205502002.html

And in “Abstain-o-lantern” news tonight, a Christian assholes took it upon herself to ruin Halloween for some neighborhood kids when she chose to augment the traditional candy by stapling it to graphic anti-abortion propaganda.

Nothing goes together like halloween candy, staples, and dead kids.

While nothing would appetize an atheist like pictures of aborted fetuses, a number of the parents in the New Mexico neighborhood were shocked.  The woman who handed out the dead baby menus defended her actions by reminding people that it’s okay to be a bitch as long as Jesus.

Okay, 30 seconds on the clock; Baby-based Halloween candies:

Fetus Pieces- no Sugar Baby Killers

Embryo Ruth Bars

And the miniatures are called Test Tube Baby Ruth?

Kid-Kats

SteM&M Cells

Spree-mies?

Cadbury Ova?  Cadbury Fertilized Eggs?  Cadbury Egg Drop Soup – and if you weren’t listening last week, that’s describing candied euphemisms for abortion.

It’s not a candy, but you could have some infanti-cider to drink.

Ok nice, atheist beverages … Swiss Miscarriage Hot Chocolate

Christians give out graphic anti-abortion propaganda at Halloween: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/new-mexico-trick-or-treaters-given-graphic-anti-abortion-propaganda-with-candy/

In “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” news, several drunken rednecks went wandering in the woods at night with rifles, hoping to murder a mythical yeti.  When they saw a what appeared to be a large, bearded human with a blaze orange jacket, they did what any former vice president would do, and shot him.

“What could that human shaped thing in the dark be, if not a bigfoot?”

Yeah, apparently they initially told the 911 dispatcher that he’d been gored by a unicorn in combat but when she expressed doubt, they were forced to tell the truth.  They needed a replacement cryptozoological hair for the core of their magic wands.

I also love that the news report ends with the sentence, “It is not yet known if drugs or alcohol played any part in the accident.”  For the sake of my faith in humanity, both drugs and alcohol better have played a fucking role in it.

Unfortunately this story does not have a happy ending.  In what can only be described as a Darwin Award snub, the wounded sasquatch wrangler is expected to survive.

Man accidentally shot while “hunting bigfoot” with friends:   http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/three-men-arrested-after-accidental-shooting-during-bigfoot-hunt/

In “Them-merry-gentlemen-are-probably-fags-too” news tonight, greeting card behemoth and indefatigable generator of trivial holidays Hallmark is dodging accusations of homophobia this week after releasing a Christmas ornament that rewrites the lyrics to “Deck the Halls” to take out that offensive reference to assless chaps.

What happened? Did Hallmark find out that “Yuletide Carol” is the name of a trans-gender holiday-themed prostitute on my block?  Oh no, obviously … It’s the line before that.  It’s gonna say “Don we now our HOMOSEXUAL apparel” to be politically correct.

Close, but actually the  sweater shaped ornament has, “Don we now our FUN apparel” written across it, but in Hallmark’s defense, it’s the gayest fucking sweater you can imagine so clearly they don’t hate the gays across the board.

Right and it’s only for the one holiday.  It’s like how white people are allowed to use the N-word on Christmas morning.  And then Christians are allowed to use homophobic slurs that afternoon.  There’s a holiday hate schedule, and it generally works.  

A representative for the company explained that the song dates back to the 1880s, way before gay meant having butt sex, adding (quote) “today it has multiple meanings, which we thought could leave out intent open to misinterpretation”.  So apparently the representatives for Hallmark think that many of their customers have assumed this whole time that those carollers are singing about anal-beads and strapons.

Certain apparel – gay or straight – was really put in there to be removed.

Hallmark edits Deck the Hall to remove references to butt-sex: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/10/31/hallmark-nixes-gay-from-christmas-carol-on-ornament/

In “Hexa-kosioi-hexe-konta-hexa-phobia” news, the Christianity brainwash process caused a high school cross country runner to drop out of a race.  The satanic cult that runs the Whitley County Kentucky school system, insisted that she wear Anti-Christ propaganda in the form of a bib with the # 666, also known as a Beelze-Bib.  

Student and amateur biblical numerologist Gina Croley explained her decision by saying (quote), “I didn’t want to risk my relationship with god”

Helped the poor… check.

Kept my commandments… check.

Didn’t mix fibers… check.

Never randomly fell to number six hundred and sixty six in a numerical set… hold on a second!

When asked why she didn’t just flip it to 999, or pencil in a “point one” or a “negative sign”, her church spokesman I made up replied: (quote) “Satan’s not that stupid.  And it’s not like this is arbitrary.  We hate any homo-digital number that’s equal to the summation of the integers from 1 to the square of that digit.” (end quote) … Fun way to scare Christians away I guess: “Don’t make me add up the numbers on this roulette wheel.  I’ll fucking do it.  1010011010 in binary!!!  Stay back!!!”

Satan Almost Gets Soul at High School Cross Country Race: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/05/high-school-runner-drops-out-of-regional-race-after-being-assigned-number-666/

Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always for being a part of it.

 

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to reluctantly say penises three times in a single sentence.

Merch Plug:

http://www.cafepress.com/scathingatheist

Welcome back to the Scathing Atheist home-shopping network, America’s number one source for Scathing Atheist logo merchandise.  Heath, what’s our next item?

Next up is this lovely Scathing Atheist logo Men’s V-Neck T-Shirt.  This 100% soft cotton tee is perfect for beaches, parks, outdoor sporting events… anywhere you normally wear clothes, really.  And it’s available in five sizes so you can collect ‘em all!

Because having only clothes that fit you is narrow minded.  Now, if I’m not mistaken this T-shirt has been scientifically proven to increase your balance, sexual stamina and white blood cell count, isn’t that right?

Yes, if you’re not mistaken, those things are true.

And how much are we selling these T-shirts for today, Heath?

That’s a great question because I’m sure our listeners have seen similar shirts in Fifth Avenue boutiques selling for hundreds if not millions of dollars, but we have a special indefinite-day-offer where our listeners can get them for one easy payment of only $23.99.

Obviously you misspoke, as the price you quoted is clearly less than a tenth of the value of this amazing upper body garment.  I’m sure you didn’t mean “only $23.99”.

No, you heard me right.  We’re practically giving these shirts away right now.

That price is far too low for me to believe anything you have to say about this T-shirt so let’s move on to our next item.

Sure.  Next up we’ve got a rugged and durable hard plastic Scathing Atheist logo iPhone case with a polished finish.

I have to tell you, that’s so beautiful I’m erect.  I’m literally having trouble not dry humping it at this very moment.

I have one inside me right now.  This iPhone case has been clinically tested to improve weight loss, regrow hair, improve athletic performance, and nestle comfortably in your duodenum.  

And how did those clinical tests come out?

They were brought to completion, as was I, via prostate.  

Excellent.  You know, that’s such an aesthetically pleasing iPhone case I couldn’t help myself and I bought three of them this morning.  And I don’t even own an iPhone.

Well that’s not a problem.  We also have them available for iPads, iPad minis, Galaxy phones, Kindles and more.

Yeah, but they don’t all have that beautiful Scathing Atheist logo design on the back do they?

They do.

Wow.  That must cost at least $355.

Actually, believe it or not, these phone covers start as low as $20.39.

Holy shit!  That’s under $20.40!  I’m starting to doubt your integrity.

I get that a lot at these ridiculous prices.

So you’re telling me I can protect my phone from scratches…

That’s right.

Dings…

Mm-hmm.

Scuffs,

Yep.

And drops,

That’s correct.

AND I can proudly display my filthy monkey heritage at the same time?

I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true, but because of a once in a lifetime astronomical convergence, we’re able to offer these state of the art phone and tablet covers for a steal.  Like many an eponymous retailer, we’ve gone crazy and started slashing prices!!!

Wow.  Who’d have ever thought I could finish all my holiday shopping so quickly.  But as amazing as that deal is, I see one problem with it.

What’s that, Noah?

Well, I can already hear listeners at home saying, “I really want that lovely iPhone cover, but I don’t want to cover an iPhone with it so much as I want to cover myself with it.  And I don’t want it to be made of hard plastic so much as a poly/cotton blend.  And I wish it had a hood.”  It’s a shame we don’t have anything for those listeners.

We do.

We do?

Well how about this lovely Scathing Atheist logo pullover hoodie for only $41.99?  Or this fitted ladies zipper hoodie for only $32.39?

But what if they don’t have a gym bag to put all this lovely Scathing Atheist logo merchandise in?

Well, I suppose they could add this Scathing Atheist logo water resistant, nylon gym bag to their shopping cart for only $16.19.

Is that the correct price or are you suffering from some rare form of mathematical insanity?

I know, I know, these prices are far too low to be accepted on faith, but you can verify them all by going to cafepress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and you’ll see that my mental faculties are still in working order.

Wow, I suppose I’ll have to log on to that website or check the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com for a handy link immediately.

So will everyone listening, I’m sure.

Well, assuming that all of our listeners are discerning shoppers with a keen sense of value.  Oh, and weren’t you saying something about free shipping earlier?

No, I wasn’t.

Bible Story:

“Run gather the young ‘uns, folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!”

(Judges 19)

Gather round boys and girls, today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the most important women in the whole bible.  She was so important that the whole nation of Israel went to war over her and all she had to do was get raped to death and dismembered.

We don’t know her name, but we’ll call her Terry.  She was a concubine, which is kind of like a combination between a wife and a slave, and one day the man that owned her made her mad so she went home to her parents.  After a few months of trying unsuccessfully to lick his own balls, he decided to go get her, because after all, he did own her.

So he went and got her but on the way back to his house they found themselves in a town called Gibeah.  They’d never been there before, it was getting dark and they didn’t have anywhere to sleep so they were really scared.  But luckily a nice old man came across them and let them stay at his house.

He gave them food and something to drink, but right before they were about to put on their pajamas, there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” the old man asked.

A voice on the other side of the door answered, “A violent rape gang”

Now suddenly everyone got very scared because violent rape gangs like to force their penises into places where you’d rather not have penises and nobody in the house wanted any penises in them.

“What do you want?” the old man asked.

And the violent rape gang answered back, “You brought some man into your house tonight.  Send him outside so that we may know him.”

And when they said, “know him”, they meant “fuck him”, and when I say “fuck him”, I mean forcibly penetrate his rectum with their engorged, throbbing cocks.  And when I say rectum, I mean butthole.

But the man inside didn’t want to have his butthole forcibly penetrated so he turned to the old man and asked what they could do.

“I don’t know”, the old man said, “They’re not going to go away until they have somebody to violently rape.”

And the man gave a big sigh of relief.  He was afraid he would have to be raped, but luckily he had Terri there to get raped for him.  So he and the old man pushed her out the door and the violent rape gang went to work violently gang raping her.  And that was very rude because the sounds of her being brutally violated to death made it really hard for the other two men to sleep.

Eventually the gang got bored and stopped raping her, so she tried to crawl back to the house, but her intervaginal hemmoraging was too severe so she only made it to the porch before she died.

The next morning her husband (slash) owner got up and rubbed his eyes, ready to finish his journey home.  He thanked the old man and then went outside to get his fuck-slave.  He saw her laying on the porch and thought that she must be really lazy to still be asleep so late in the morning, so he kicked her a few times to wake her up.

And when he realized she was actually dead, he was extremely annoyed.  How was he supposed to fuck her now?  So he did the logical thing, he chopped her into little pieces and mailed the bleeding hunks of her body all over the nation so that people could see how mean the people in Gibeah were.

So all the people in Israel decided to end the violence by massacring all the men, women and children that lived in Gibeah, even the ones that didn’t have anything to do with gang-raping Terri.

And pretty much nobody lived happily ever after.

The end.

Outro:

Before we cash the bowl tonight I wanted to congratulate friend of the show Thomas from “Thomas and the Bible” on reaching the 100 episode milestone.  If you haven’t checked out his show yet you have to go ahead and do that and when you do, you’ll be happy to know that there are 99 archival episodes to keep you entertained.

I also wanted to remind everyone that I’m always looking for more Farnsworth quotes to open the show.  I’ve got a few stockpiled, but I can never have enough so if you have a blog, a podcast or a convention you want to plug, check out the contact page on Scathing Atheist (dot) com and send me some Farnsworth.

Oh, and huge thanks to everybody who listens to the show on Stitcher.  We actually cracked the top 10 in our category last week and it’s worth noting that they don’t have an “atheism” category.  We’re top ten in all religion and inspirational shows over there so we’re competing with the likes of Joel O’Steen, Joyce Meyers and my archnemesis Creflo Dollar.  So thanks again for making that happen and if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher yet, download the free app, check us out and help push us a little higher.  After all, if Joel O’Steen’s prosperity gospel is correct and we succeed, that’s proof that god is an atheist.

I need to thank Lucinda for opening and closing the show this week, I need to thank Heath for all the stuff in the middle and, of course, I’ve gotta thank Remy G and yeah, I know that’s a repeat, but the last time we played his Farnsworth quote Facebook shut him down the next day.  His Facebook page is back now and better than ever so I figured I should toss him a plug again now that it matters.  So once again, the name of the Facebook Page is “Fuck your fucking god, you ignorant blinded dumb fuck” and that really says it all.  If you don’t want to type all that shit into the searchbar but you still want to like his page, fear not, there’ll be a link on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/nooneaboveu

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most intellectually sound arguments for the continued existence of our species; Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat.  Vinnie, whose brilliance shines so brightly it can only be viewed by poking a hole in a piece of paper and then observing it’s shadow; Karen, whose strength of will is measured in horsepower per second squared; Laura, whose very name strikes fear in the hearts of pirates across the seven seas; Gregory, whose return was prophesied centuries ago by the great seers; April, whose praiseworthiness should really just be a weekly segment on this show; Emily, whose NSA transcripts inspired the Dos Equis ad campaign; Bryan, whose gravitas makes people rethink that long standing “no worldwide imperial dictators” rule; BCD, who kept beta through psi and only let god have those fringe letters and Cat who is a ninja-decimating genius with a giant penis and everything, but would much rather I spent this time wishing a happy belated birthday to his friend and friend of the show Bruce; so Bruce, happy birthday, may there be many more and I hope you celebrated with the traditional baby shaped atheist cake.

These nine noble, soulless individuals have improved the plight of impoverished peoples around the world this week by supporting a message of reason, secularism and fart jokes, also known as giving us money.  Not everybody has the deeply forged passion for human excellence required to give us money, but if you think you share Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat’s commitment to hominid longevity, or just want to hear me make a joke about how many ninjas you can kill with your dick, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if that’s too much to ask, we humbly request that you take a few seconds to leave us a glowing review on iTunes, share our stuff wherever you can do that without getting stoned to death and telling your pastor about the show.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 37 Partial Transcript

October 31, 2013 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final production due to time constraints.

Warning: This podcast contains language that would make the baby Jesus cry.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Terrorist Surplus Outlet, Jihobby-Lobby.  Come on in to a branch near you for all your plastic explosive and multi-colored wire needs.

Mention this ad and get half off those big red digital countdown displays Hollywood directors seem to think people actually put on bombs.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s Halloween,

And it looks like a whole bunch of chickens had abortions last night.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from scantily clad New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll remind you in advance that deaf people can’t hear the jokes we make about them,

  • We’ll be one of six programs released today that don’t use any crappy halloween puns,

  • And we’ll delve elbow deep into the gayest book of the bible so far.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe

I really like to argue online.  It’s a largely pointless guilty pleasure and I know that people who post Answers In Genesis inspired memes aren’t doing so in hopes of opening an earnest discussion about faith and philosophy, but I love to do it.

I should point out right up front that I’m talking about arguing, not debating.  If somebody wants to have a genuine discussion about their beliefs that’s great, but I’m not your man.  Debate is important and I believe that it’s a vital form of atheist outreach and I entrust it to people with more experience and patience than myself.

But when it comes to knock down, drag out, fuck you, no fuck you arguing… not to pat my own back or anything, but that’s kind of where I shine.  I don’t think it serves much of a purpose, but damn it if I don’t enjoy the hell out of it.

So the other day I’m surfing through a number of atheism pages on Facebook looking for a troll to crush and I come upon one of the stupidest syllogisms ever offered in this or any other debate.  As I marvelled at the stupidity it took to construct this heresy against reason I tried to catalog everything that made it wrong but it seemed like a formula would be needed… or a calculator and a three dimensional chart or something.

So here it is in all it’s stupid glory:

1. Any position which is unfalsifiable is unscientific

2. Atheism is unfalsifiable.

3. Therefore atheism is unscientific.

Where to start, right?  So before we get to the reason I’m bringing this up, let me just take care of a few of the fatal flaws here.  First of all, atheism isn’t a claim, it’s the rejection of a claim.  Egg salad isn’t falsifiable and yet it exists.  Atheism doesn’t make any claims, it just rejects really stupid ones with insufficient supporting evidence.  So there’s that.

But the far more glaring error here is this inability of theist debaters to recognize the whole meaning of the term “falsifiability”.  So let’s pretend for the moment that atheism is me saying “there definitely isn’t a god”.  It’s not, but for the moment let’s pretend it is.  If you substitute almost any other word for god, it becomes painfully obvious how incredibly “falsifiable” this statement is.  “There definitely isn’t Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”

You see them make this same stupid mistake when they talk about evolution.  Of course, you and I know all about rabbits in the Cambrian and what-not, but you’ll still hear these foaming-at-the-mouth intellectual bodyguards for Jesus claiming that evolution isn’t falsifiable.

The problem is a complete recognition of what science means about “falsifiability”.  We’re talking about the intrinsic quality of falsifiability; theoretical falsifiability.  They’re talking about the ability to prove it wrong.  They’re actually saying, “Evolution isn’t scientific because I can’t prove it wrong.”  They don’t seem to realize that the inability to falsify a theoretically falsifiable statement is the closest damn thing there can possibly be to proof that it is correct.  They’re mistaking falsifiable with falsified.

Yes, you can’t falsify evolution… because it’s fucking correct!  You can’t falsify atheism… because there’s no fucking god!  People have been looking for that elusive bastard for tens of thousands of years at least and still not one shred of credible evidence has arisen to help them out.  And yet they’re trying to act like this fatal flaw somehow bolsters their claim.

And as asinine as it seems to me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the people in the “invisible-man-in-another-dimension-whose-ways-are-too-mysterious-for-you-to-comprehend” camp are fuzzy on the concept of falsifiability.

Headlines

Joining me for Headlines tonight is racist satire aficionado, Heath Enwright.  Heath, which do you prefer; Asians or whites?

I’m glad you asked . . . I’m going with Asians.  I’m uncomfortable with anyone who has “Lee” in their name that isn’t Asian.  Lee Iococca, Lee Harvey Oswald, Robert E. Lee … Nothing but trouble.

I don’t know if I agree with that.  Ang Lee pisses me off and he’s Asian.

In our lead story tonight, the good old boy network that runs the lucrative South Carlonia Christian soup kitchen sector, continues to thwart the existence of secular morality by refusing to employ volunteer atheist ladlers.  And in Onion Headline Form- French Onion Headline Form . . .

“Stewish Mafia Godfather Refuses Atheist Request, Even at Daughter’s Italian Wedding.”

Yeah, so they won’t allow atheists to ladle soup and then they fault them for not doing enough charity work.  It’s like justifying an invasion because the country had weapons of mass destruction after spending decades selling them weapons of mass destruction.  And you’d have to be an idiot to do that… or vote for somebody who had already done that.

Let’s get straight to it.  Lightning Round.  15 seconds on the clock . . .  

Religion Brand Soups, GO!

Jew-cumber soup?… no fuck, wait… that’s just Matzah ball soup.

“Schismed Pea with Ham” … or “Crock of Shit, Pee with Ham”  

Well we can’t do beans and pasta because God Hates Fagioli…

Shark of the Covenant Fin

Cream of Altar Boy.  (known to our Scottish listeners as “Cock-a-leekie”)

Maybe some atheist brands … Manhattan Scam Doubter … Nietzsche-Soise.  

Maybe Bouillabaisse-ic logic?

Christianity: Bouillabaissed on a Jew story . . .

Not sure if this fits, but atheist stem cell researchers call their inputs “Egg Drop Soup”

No Soup for you: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/23/south-carolina-soup-kitchen-director-bans-atheist-volunteers-saying-they-would-be-a-disservice-to-this-community/

And in “Did I mention I’m a Monday through Friday Adventist?” news tonight, Christian egotist and person whose name is too goofy for a character in Hunger Games Celestina Mba is suing for the right of all religious people to have days off when god tells them too.

Rabbis work every Saturday, and Priests work every Sunday.  Religion’s entire corporate structure breaks that rule every week.  What the fuck?!?  

And yet she was fired from her job after refusing to work Sundays.  After extreme poverty left her apparently unable to buy a vowel, Mba sued.

Not too many black women with MBA at the end of their name.

Ouch… The court ruled on the side of fucking off.  Pointing out that fucking off was also against her religion, she appealed the verdict and now seeks to take it to a higher court.

Then she plans on suing the NFL for refusing to hire Christians.  I hope they schedule all her court appearances on Sundays for secular spite.  

Invoking the bafflingly common Christian mantra of “treating everyone the same discriminates against Christians”, an attorney working on Mba’s behalf points out that the courts allow people to wear religious bracelets and have religious haircuts, so how is that any different than this almost completely unrelated issue?

That’s literally part of their argument.  If black people get corn rows, we get Sundays off.

Christian sues for right not to work on Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/24/christian-employee-seeks-appeal-for-refusing-to-work-on-sundays/

And from the “Ears In Heaven, Hell in Keller” file, Pat Robertson explains that being deaf is your mother’s fault, faith healing is like Santa Claus, and only God can heal people.  Also, Pat Robertson can heal people.  

And barring that, he can say shit that will make you not mind being deaf.

This particular tribute to religion and senility began when the mother of a deaf person asked why prayer wasn’t restoring function to the axons and dendrites in her son’s ears.  Robertson – chief auditory neurologist of “The 700 Club” – explained that deaf people’s prayers tend to be badly enunciated.  But if the speech-capable mother was praying too, she must be holding the wand wrong or something.

Or perhaps she hadn’t properly arranged the entrails before the bloody altar.  Or maybe she forgot to click her heels together three times.

My first instinct tells me she forgot to rebuke the spirit of deafness.  Robertson agreed, saying (quote) “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed and so I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” (end quote)  You gotta really rebuke it nice and loud.  She probably didn’t rebuke loud enough.  

This animated cadaver is an endless pipeline of crazy.  Every week it’s something even more insultingly stupid than the last.  Now he’s claiming that not only can he heal deaf people with a magical incantation but that it has such a high success rate that he’s literally baffled that someone else is unable to do it.  We’re talking about a Jesus-level miracle and he’s acting like she can’t reset the time on her phone.

He continued: “Listen up, deaf listeners.  Faith healing is just like Santa Claus.  He’s got a pack on his back and he has gifts and he’s passing these gifts out but they come from God.  Only God can heal people … and also me.  And if you really need those ears right away, there’s always a letter to the north pole, or a journey down the yellow brick road to see the wizard.”       

Pat Robertson and Jesus could have cured Helen Keller: http://www.christianpost.com/news/pat-robertson-tells-mother-i-dont-know-what-youre-doing-wrong-he-can-cure-deafness-107454/

And in the Pubic Defender file tonight, I was ecstatic this week to find that the following headline and subsequent news item was not from a satire site, “British taxpayers foot three hundred and fifty thousand pound legal bill for Muslim Pubic hair battle”.

350,000 pounds – That’s a lot of pubes.  

The story centers around a mentally disabled 30 year old woman and her parent’s two year battle to shave her pubes.

Well we Americans wasted a lot more money than that on our retarded bush problems.         

Way better than my stab at ‘W’… well done.  So apparently Muslim tradition requires that women shave their pubes, which shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows anything about Muhammad’s child-fucking proclivities.  But since their severely handicapped daughter isn’t under their care and the person who is caring for her is a bit uncomfortable about the idea of two adults she doesn’t know making aesthetic changes to her genital region, they took it to court.

Isn’t this just a simple case of what man owns her?

Well we’ll never know because days before the scheduled hearing, after hundreds of thousands of dollars had been spent preparing for the case, the parents unexpectedly dropped the suit leading to one of the greatest understatements in legal history.  Justice Roderic Wood who pointed out that (quote) “…there are many competing cases of equal if not greater urgency than this one.”

Yeah, there’s an Orthodox Jew with Tourette’s who wants to bleach her asshole.

Muslim parents sue for right to shave their retarded daughter’s pubes: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/10396170/Taxpayers-foot-350k-legal-bill-for-Muslim-pubic-hair-battle.html

And in “What’s the worst that could… How did we do an entire story about religious people and their pubes, without an Occam’s Razor joke?!?

We’re losing our… edge?  Shit… I guess that lame joke is exhibit B.

And in “What’s the worst that could happen?” news, a twelve-year-old girl hanged herself to be with her dead father in heaven, only to find out she forgot to read the fine print about suicide, and now she’s either in hell, or just normal secular dead.

True story: Friend of the show Eli Bosnick posted this story on his Facebook wall and some Christian asshat comes back and says, “Well if somebody had told her suicide was a mortal sin, this never would have happened.”  Yeah… that’s the metaphysical fuck up here.  But Eli posed the right question.  If you honestly think she’s in Heaven now, didn’t she do the right thing?  And if you honestly think that your god would stick this little girl in hell, why would you praise him?

Every parent needs to know about an important principle.  It’s bad to kill your child with lies … AND … it’s also bad to kill them with truths.  Lacsap’s Wager tells us that even if you believe in the afterlife, you might as well teach your children about reality, just to be sure they don’t hang themselves.  Decomposing in a box next to daddy, isn’t nearly as glamorous as the express escalator to heaven.

That kid is back on the escalator to heaven: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/27/to-be-with-her-father-in-heaven-girl-12-commits-suicide/

Man am I glad that story’s over.  And finally tonight, in “We put the organ in organic” news, a website that doesn’t remotely seem like a credible news source is reporting that the Hasidic yeshiva of Gur has banned students from eating soy-based products, fearing soy might lead to gay sex.

Fossilized human remains in Asia show that people were using edamame as anal beads . . . Or possibly just eating edamame.  Point being, Jew rules about gays aren’t an exact science.  They kind of just spray at the wall and see what sticks.

Officials at the school warn that even one soy based product a week can lead to unwanted arousal, which goes a long way toward explaining Japanese porn.  They warn that soy contains magical circle-jerk hormones.

Which is true, if graded on a Hasidic Rabbi bullshit curve.

Rabbi bans soy because it may cause gay sex: http://www.yourjewishnews.com/2013/10/n29787.html?m=1

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.

All this nihilism is exhausting.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in wishing that god appreciated word economy.

Poem

I read One Samuel and the whole time I was thinking to myself, “hey, this should make for a pretty easy poem.  It tells a linear story, it makes sense, there’s a cornucopia of characters, a lot of shit rhymes with Sam and Saul…”

So I guess that it shouldn’t have surprised me at all that somebody already wrote a perfectly good poem about this particular book of the bible and far be it from me to try to outdo a master of the poetic arts.  So with apologies to the original author, I present to you… 1 Samuel:

I am Sam.

I am Sam.

Sam I am.

That Sam-I-am!

That Sam-I-am!

Do you like the Philistines?

I do not like those Philistines,

For god has said they are unclean,

I want to do things really mean,

To every single Philistine.

Would you like them Here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I thought that god had made it clear,

We should take to them the sword and spear.

We should slaughter each one like a lamb,

Because I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

Would you like them in a house?

We should burn them in their house,

We should plague them with a mouse.

We should kill each child and spouse,

And treat them like a pubic louse.

We should catch their sheep and goats,

Kill their herds and burn their boats,

We should do what god denotes,

And slit their motherfucking throats.

I do not give a tinker’s damn,

I just don’t like them, Sam-I-Am.

Would you like them in a box?

Well sure, as long as that thing locks.

Plague them with a burning pox,

Feed them to a hungry fox,

With their normal, human, uncut cocks.

Would you like them with a van?

Am I mincing words here, man?

I would not like them in a van.

I would not like them in a can.

I despise each member of their clan.

I would not like them in a house,

I would not like them with a mouse,

I would not like them with a fox,

I would not like them wearing socks,

I would not like them in the night,

I would not like them in the light,

In no death would I find more delight…

Except for those Amalekites.

Babble

By far the most interesting book so far in the bible, 1 Samuel employs things like wordplay, foreshadowing, story arch

…and gay sex…

in a way that has been lacking since the last few chapters of Genesis.  And while the story is still horrible and largely immoral, it’s a much better read than the shit we’ve waded through to get here.

Yeah against all odds, they manage to limbo under the St. Louis Gateway Arch

So to help us break down yet another 66th of this book is my lovely wife, Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

Hi ya!

Why don’t you start us off with… let’s say Chapter one.

  1. First we meet Hannah, whose husband Elkanah preferred her to his other wife even though his other wife had kids.

    1. Right. So she prays to god to have a son (because fuck daughters) and promises if god will grant her a son, she’ll give him to the priesthood.  So basically she wanted all the fun of childbirth without tedium of having an offspring.

    2. So god does and she does and this kid is the titular Samuel.

  2. So little Sam ends up ministering with Phineas and Ferb, the sons of Eli..

    1. Phineas and Hophni

    2. That’s what I said.  Anyway, these guys are really shitty priests that abuse their power and god’s only willing to overlook that shit for so long.

    3. At least one century in the case of Catholic pedophiles.

  • I thought the first rabbi to start signing tits was Matisyahu, but apparently these guys had ethnic groupies way back.  And what’s the point in running a tabernacle, if you can’t fuck the sluts that work the front door, right?  Eli gets mad, and yells at his sons: “This isn’t a restaurant…You don’t fuck the barely legal hostesses.  What did we just talk about?!?”  

  1. Then the Philistines show up and attack because that’s what Philistines do.  The Jews get their asses kicked and they’re all like, “Hey, why you reckon god would have let them kick our asses like that?”

    1. So to find out they order that the Ark of the Covenant be brought to the battlefield so they could walkie-talkie heaven for help.  But then the Philistines just say, “Hey, look, it’s a box with god in it.  Kill them and take it.”  And then do.

    2. Phineas and Ferb die in the battle and when Eli hears about that he says, “meh…” but then the messenger says, “Oh yeah, and they took Indiana Jones’ box, too” he freaks out, falls over and breaks his neck.

    3. And Phineas’ wife hears about everybody dying and the godbox going missing so she freaks out, shits out the kid she’d been baking and dies too.

  2. So they take the ark to Ashdod and put it in the temple next to a statue of their god; god decapitates the statue, gives them some cancer, you know, normal god stuff.

    1. And for seven months they keep taking it to this city or that one and every time they do everybody gets cancer or something and they move it again.

  • Little did they know, the Jews switched the God-Box, for a box of weapons-grade plutonium they got from the Ralien Lizard-People during the redacted book after Leviticus, rumoured to be called Atomic Numbers.  

  1. So the Philistines call up the Jews and say, “Here take your fucking box back already, this shit sucks.”

    1. But the Jews won’t just take it back and lift the curse or anything.  They start going all “Knights that say Neek” on them and ask for… I shit you not… five golden mice and five golden tumors.  TUMORS!  They ask them to make molds of their tumors and cover them in gold or god won’t lift his curse.

  • “And not too expensive, but the following items must be covered in gold.  We want five gilded lillies- shit no that feels like a mistake.  Five . . . mice . . . and five . . . malignant tumors this time, you cheaters.”

  1. Then they get the ark back and everyone rejoices.

  2. Then all the people show up begging Samuel to appoint a king.  Because, you know, people are always wanting to be ruled over by tyrants.

    1. And Samuel tries to talk them out of it.  “He’ll be a dick and he’ll take their cattle and their slaves and all their best stuff and he’ll march them out to die in battle for him.”

    2. And the people are like, “Yeah, that’s cool.  We just really, really want a dictator, who will later control how history records this moment in time.”

  3. Now we meet Saul who is supremely qualified to be a king since he’s both tall and handsome.

  • I’ve always said I’d rule the Jews well.  I’m at least half qualified.        

    1. So Saul is wandering around all of Israel looking for his dad’s donkeys when he runs into Samuel, who makes him king in full blown “Kung Fu Panda” style.

    2. The “King of Israel can’t find his ass with both hands” joke is too easy, huh?

  1. So Sammy boy announces Sauls king-ness and everybody says, “Well, sure… he’s tall.”

  • This chapter gets pretty gay pretty fast.  Starts out with Samuel pouring oil on Saul while they make out.  Then Samuel tells Saul to go meet two men in a graveyard who will give up those asses he’s been searching for.  Just say, “I’m Saul, and I’m here to trap that ass.”  And then it ends with Saul’s disappointed dad saying, “What shall I do about my son?” … Just another gay in the life.

    1. And then chapter 10 closes off with a quick “Meanwhile” aside: Meanwhile, there was an evil Ammonite king that was gouging out the right eye of all the Reubenites and Gadites.

  1. Then the Ammonite king attacks Jabesh-Gilead and the people try to make peace with him and they say “Alright, evil king, what are your terms?” and he replies, “I want to poke all of your right eyes out.  It’s kind of my thing.”  So they think about it and say, “Give us a week.”

    1. And when Saul hears about this, he gets so pissed he hacks his oxen to death and then mails chunks of them around the country because, as we’ve seen before, chopped up bits of dead thing sent UPS is the best way to rally Jews.

  • Some of the Jews must have got the package late though, right?  Guy walks into the kitchen with his right eye in his hand: “Honey, did you forget to give me this decomposing hoof we got in the mail yesterday?  Cause I thought we all agreed to the gouge plan, and here I can plainly half-see that you still have both your eyes.  Kind of an important message.”  

    1. So they defeat the Ammonite king that seems to have shown up for no reason but to give Saul an ass to kick.

  1. So here’s Chapter 12 in nine words: “Whose house?  God’s house!  Said whose house?  God’s house!”   

  2. So now Saul is feeling big-dicked so he says, fuck it, let’s wipe out all the Philistines, which would have been fine, but he fucked up some ritual animal slaughter minutia so god abandoned him.

  3. And just when you’re thinking, “Hey, this book isn’t too bad”, chapter 14 brings us more genocide and some divine retribution for honey eating.

    1. Yeah.  It all starts when Saul’s son Jonathon and his gay lover provoke a war.

    2. But Saul curses anyone who eats that day and nobody tells Johnny, so he eats a drop of honey (off the spear he’s been killing people with) and for that he’s sentenced to (almost) die… Then the army feasts on sheep sushi.

  4. In chapter 15 god puts that whole “all-knowing” thing to rest once and for all when he starts regretting making Saul king.

    1. Right, and why does he regret it?  Because when he tells Saul to wipe out all the Amalekites, he keeps a few of the cattle alive.  And that’s the last straw dammit.

  5. No surprise that Saul isn’t exactly anxious to give back supreme authority so he tells Samuel to fuck off.  Then god commands Samuel to go find David and anoint him king.

    1. So now Saul’s tormented by evil spirits and his servants say, “You know what helps with evil spirits?  Lyre-playing.  And you know who absolutely wails on a lyre?  David.”  Coincidence, or terrible literary foreshadowing?

  • David could finger a liar better than Martha Stewart’s cell mate.  Better than Lance Armstrong’s giving himself a steroid suppository.  He could finger a liar better than a Jewish witness at the Nuremberg Trials.  

    1. David goes to pluck Saul’s lyre and apparently he’s quite nimble indeed so Saul keeps him on to (ahem) carry his armor, wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more.

    2. Well if you mean “make David his gay sex slave that he would later share with his son and daughter”, then yes, I know exactly what you mean.  

  1. Then we get David and Goliath, where, spoiler alert, David kills Goliath with a slingshot.  And even though you know exactly what’s coming, it still manages to disappoint you.  They spend 40 days throwing down epic biblical shit talk and then David pulls his pansy-assed Dennis the Menace coup de grace.

  2. Now Saul’s worried that David will take his job, so he makes him his right hand man, tries to spear him a couple times, sells him his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins and asks his son Jonathan to kill him.

  • You always hear people using the phrase “back of dicks” rhetorically.  But at some point this guy was very literally carrying a fairly sizable bag of dicks.  Because David got cocky, and came back with two hundred foreskins.  Probably grabbed entire dicks first, then did the individual brisses later.  

  • “This is only 199.” … “Those 2 are stuck together.”   

  1. Meanwhile, David’s kicking ass left and right.  His armies are whipping way more Philistine ass than anybody else’s so Saul gets even more jealous…

  • Yeah they even wrote a song about how David was an order of magnitude better at genocide than Saul.  Nobody likes to hear they’re less good at murdering other races, by such a large margin.  

    1. So after the third or fourth time Saul tries to spear David, he says “You know, I think this guy who keeps lunging at me spear first is trying to kill me,” and he escapes.

    2. So he finds Samuel and they get together and cast some kind of frenetic nakedness spell so that anybody who tries to come to get David strips and falls into a “prophetic frenzy”… not sure what that means, but it sounds fun.

  1. In chapter 20 I’m pretty sure we confirm that David and Saul’s son Jonathan were gay lovers, just in case the butt sex scenes were ambiguous.

  2. So David finds a priest and  asks him for some bread.  He says he doesn’t have normal bread, but he does have a little magical abstinence bread.

  • “Hello random Zelda apothecary, selling exactly the items I might need.  Got any food for celibate fugitives, and maybe a mythical weapon, ideally formerly owned by my legendary vanquished nemesis?  You have Honzo swords too? Wicked!”   

  1. So David gathers an army of 400 malcontents and then Saul kills some priests.

  2. Chapter 23 is basically a montage episode.  Saul continues to be an asshole, still trying to kill David for banging his son.  Also, David bangs his son again.  

  3. So David and his men are hiding in a cave.  Saul and his men are closing in on them.  Saul steps into a cave to take a shit and it just so happens to be the cave David and his men are in.

    1. Yeah, but David can’t bring himself to kill Saul because he loves him so much, so he just fires his gun in the air and goes “Argh!”… or the biblical equivalent thereof.

  • What kind of crazy intense shit was he taking, that he didn’t notice another entire human being standing next to him, sawing off a square of his clothing?!?

  1. And then Samuel dies.  There’s still 6 chapters and a whole other book named after this dude, and he doesn’t even have the decency to live through them.

    1. Then David sends his men to some rich dude to ask for bread.  He tells them to fuck off so David has god kill him and then he takes the dude’s wife.

    2. …and another wife.  Plus he already had a wife.

  • And Saul makes a feeble attempt at spiting David: “You think you can fuck me, fuck my son, then buy my daughter for a bag of dicks?  Well I sold her to another dude while you were gone, and I’m keeping the dicks as a security deposit.”  

  1. And in 26 we learn that  the authors liked chapter 24 so much that they did it again two chapters later… and in a field instead of a cave.  And Saul was sleeping instead of shitting.  But other than that it’s the same.

  • Yeah, David’s supposed to be the protagonist here, but he’s making the mistakes of a Bond villain … or Daffy Duck.  Shoot him now or wait till you get home?!?  Always shoot him now!  Otherwise chapter 27 happens, and that’s the last thing a Jewish guy wants to do.  

  1. Chapter 27: David hides in Palestine for 16 months…

  2. Then the Philistines amass a huge army, Saul all like, “God, what do I do?” but God won’t answer or return his texts or anything.

    1. And then we get our first biblical seance, which, if I’m not mistaken and I probably am, is the first real mention of an afterlife in this whole book.  Strange that it wouldn’t have been an emphasis to this point…

    2. Yeah, you knew Samuel was gonna Obi-Wan Kenobi his way back into the story.

    3. Right, so the ghost of Sammy boy shows up to tell Saul he’s fucked.

  3. Then you get some Typical bible stuff . . . Rape, plunder, evil Amalekites, village pillaged, so everyone’s pissed and starts yelling at David.  He says, “Everybody shut up, I know what to do.  Bring me . . . The Prayer Smock.”  So he wears the ephod apron thing, and god tells him they’ll succeed in recovering their rape victims, and might even get some 50 shekel checks out of the whole ordeal.     

  4. And in the proto-Empire Strikes Back ending, this book wraps up with Saul falling in battle along with all his heirs, the Israelite armies getting massacred and the promised land falling into enemy hands.

Damn do I hope 2 Samuel doesn’t have Ewoks.

Well I guess we’ll find out that and more on the next installment of “The Holy Babble”.  Until then, thanks again Heath, Lucinda.

Outro

Before we put a lid on this thing tonight, I wanted to make a quick announcement that should be accompanied by a chorus of angelic trumpets, we did get the CafePress shop up and running this weekend.  It’s a little messy in there but when I find some time this weekend we’ll be getting it organized.  We’ve got the lovely scarlet A logo slapped on everything from Tshirts to iPhone covers to shot glasses to Christmas ornaments to bumper stickers so you can show your filthy monkey heritage with pride.  We’ll be adding new products and t-shirt designs throughout the season so be on the look out for that.

You’ll find a link to our online shop on the homepage or you can cut out the middleman and go straight to “CafePress (dot) com (slash) scathingatheist”.

I also wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s calendar section.  I mentioned the upcoming and stupendously awesome Skepticon but I said it was going to be in Springfield, Illinois.  I fucked that up.  It’s Springfield, Missouri, not Springfield Illinois… it’s also not Springfield, Florida or Springfield, Kentucky.  Or Springfield, South Dakota.  Or Springfield, Oregon, Tennessee, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio, Georgia, Massachusetts or Nebraska, all of which actually exist but aren’t the city where Skepticon 6 is going to be.  It’ll be in Springfield, Missouri, so know your Springfields and sorry that I didn’t.

I also wanted to add a quick addition to last week’s calendar if you’re going to be in the San Antonio area on November 12th you can catch Executive Director of the Council for Secular Humanism Tom Flynn at an event sponsored by the San Antonio Coalition of Reason and the Freethought Association of Central Texas (great acronym, by the way).  You’ll find links to the the event page on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freethinkers-Association-of-Central-Texas/146015608750987?ref=ts&fref=ts

Need to very quickly thank the many people who make this podcast possible every week.  Huge thanks to Heath, Lucinda and, of course, Sam for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.

Oh, and a huge thanks to everybody who Tweeted (at) Ricky Gervais trying to get a Farnsworth quote out of him.  No response yet, but keep up the good work.  You’ll be rewarded for it in the no-afterlife.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most irreplaceable expressions of genetic code, Michael, Mike, Josh, Ryan and Matthew.  Michael, whose blood is so pure mosquitoes cut it with baking soda; Mike, whose mind is so sharp it splits neutrinos; Josh, whose wisdom is so great that he reeled at the thought of splitting neutrinos; Ryan, whose penis is so massive it bends light and Matthew, whose confidence is so great he doesn’t need any of my over-the-top platitudes.

These five fine fellow freethinkers have gone above and beyond the high water mark of human decency this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the compassion, the integrity and the raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you can handle the enormous pressure such heroic acts often entail, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And you should really donate because we just found out our cat has diabetes and Lucinda’s pretty bummed about it and people giving her money makes her happy.

And unfortunately we’re out of time so I can’t remind you to give the show a 5 star review on iTunes, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on You-Tube, listen to us on Stitcher and tell your friends about us, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have time to tell you that stuff next week.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 35 – Partial Transcript

October 17, 2013 9 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited out due to time constraints)

Warning:

Warning, this podcast contains explicit language.  And we’re talking really explicit.  In fact, I’m gonna use the F word at the end of this sentence and if you don’t like it, go tell someone who gives a fuck.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Ivory Tower Atheist Soap

Splattered with the blood of a savior while performing a routine zealot crucifixion?  Roped into church by your significant other, and can’t get rid of that self-righteous asshole smell?  Hands covered in sauteed baby grease again?

Well try Ivory Tower Atheist Soap, because bullshit stains on the just and the unjust alike.  Now available in an extra strength anti-Bapterial formula.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s October 17th,

And Oprah’s a fat whore, even for a white woman.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from perpetually parading New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode:

  • We’ll praise Lesus, our Jord and savior,

  • A homeopath will commit suicide by cutting off his pinky toe,

  • And what’s-his-name from Thomas and the Bible will join us to talk scripture.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe

It seems like atheists can point out how silly Christians are all day and we just get called assholes.  But as soon as you call out Muslims, you’re an “Islamaphobic”.  It’s not that you think a murderous, child raping, illiterate warlord isn’t worth adulation.  It’s not that you think stories about flying horses should be reserved for kids and bronies.  It’s not that you think people worshipping a meteorite is insane.  Hell, if you read the Guardian you could be forgiven for thinking “Islamaphobic” was Richard Dawkins’ official title.

So let’s examine that word.  As my spellcheck will readily tell you, it’s not a really a word, but even if it was, it would have no practical application.  Because the suffix “phobia” refers to an irrational fear.  If you’re swimming through shark infested waters and there’s a fin and an ominous two-note theme song following behind you, you’re not selachophobic, you’re rational… and edible.

And before anybody goes accusing me of equating Muslims with terrorists, I should point out that you don’t have to be a de facto terrorist for your Muslimness to scare the fuck out of me.  Is the Saudi judge that sentenced the rape victim to 200 lashes for getting raped a “terrorist”?  Is the Yemeni guy who raped his 8 year old bride to death on their wedding night a “terrorist”?  Is every member of the government in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Malaysia, the UAE and Mauritania a terrorist?  Because they all terrify the fuck out of me.

Now I’ll readily admit that Islam isn’t the only major world religion that calls for the ultimate extermination of everybody who worships a different god.  It’s a common theme so it’s not fair to single Muslims out for that one.  It’s okay to point out that it’s batshit crazy, but it’s not batshit crazy for a religion.  That being said, I think it’s fair to point out that they have the best infidel massacring infrastructure.  And if you doubt that, draw a few cartoons of Jesus sucking off Moses while Buddha takes him in the ass and then watch nobody kill you.

So what’s irrational about being scared?  Keep in mind that I live in New York City.  If you average it out over the last fifteen years, New Yorkers are statistically more likely to be killed by Muslim terrorists flying airplanes into skyscrapers than car accidents or firearms.  So how the hell is Islamaphobia a phobia?

The only thing irrational about it is restricting your fear to Muslims.  Right now Scientologists are just a bunch of goofy alien worshipping nut-tards, but I’m willing to bet if Scientologists took over a nation’s government, they’d suddenly become damn scary.

See, it’s not Muslims that scare me, it’s religious people with armies.  And Christians aren’t immune to this crazy shit, they’re just generally confined to countries that won’t put them in charge of the nuclear arsenal.

But consider the blathering schizophrenic homeless subway dweller tirade Michele Bachmann went on last week where she stammered about leaves on fig trees and the end being nigh and then capped off the incoherent blubbering by talking about how awesome it was that the world was about to end because it means her magical hippy-Jew can’t be far behind.

This isn’t some crazy guy waving a posterboard sign scrawled with his own feces on 146th street.  This is a member of congress.  This is a person who, at one point, led the goddamn polls for the Republican nomination for president AFTER a debate!  This is a person who gets to vote on whether or not we go to war.  A sane person wouldn’t trust this woman to keep the cat out of their macaroni while they took a shit, but religious people are okay with her writing their laws!  Our laws!

Look,  I’m no more terrified by a country controlled by a crazy ayatollah than I am by a country controlled by a crazy evangelical.  And their are plenty of crazy American evangelicals pushing for a theocracy… many from inside the elected government.

There is no greater threat to liberty, peace and progress than theocracy.  And right now the Muslims just happen to leading the leading the race when it comes to dismantling rational governments and replacing them with genocidal scripture.  There’s nothing at all irrational about fearing that.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is a guy who is at least slightly less hateful than he often sounds, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to moderately exaggerate your distaste for humanity?

Well considering the subject of the first story, I won’t be exaggerating.  

Ooh… nice tease.

In our lead story tonight, Supreme Court justice – and Stephen Colbert whipping boy – Antonin Scalia revealed in a recent interview that he believes Beelzebub the Prince of Darkness is a real person.

It’s Alito, isn’t it?

When asked about the complete lack of evidence to justify this assinine-itude, he responded, (quote) “Well if you’re gonna go by evidence…”  He then went on to point out that the whole thing with being the devil, is appearing NOT to exist.  The same logic applies to asserting the existence of everything that doesn’t exist, but Catholics like Scalia don’t let being blatantly wrong, stand in their way of being right.

A quality that also comes in handy when you’re a conservative Supreme Court justice.

Basically, this guy’s opinion  comes from Usual Suspects movie character, Keyser Soze, who was actually quoting a character in a poem by Charles Baudelaire.  Granted, basing one’s worldview on 19th century French poetry is much more reasonable and up-to-date than using the bible . . . But it’s still not quite as realistic as we’d hope from one of the nine most powerful legal decision-makers in the country.  

Let’s take a quick look at the line of logic here . . .

Premise 1: A fictional character from a fictional movie universe, quoted a fictional character from a fictional poetry universe, who said: “You guys don’t see that imperceptible demon guy?”

Premise 2: Satan is real.  

So working backwards, Satan is real, and it occurs to me we don’t even need premise one.

And perhaps most frightening of all is the fact that he apparently had no idea that this was an insane thing to say.  When the flabbergasted reporter says something to the tune of “fucking what?” Justice the Hutt gets all incredulous and asks her “What ivory tower do you live in where you can’t comprehend a grown, educated human being believing in a bedtime story meant to dissuade kids from stroking their junk.

What he was saying would have been ridiculous, if he didn’t at least throw us that compliment when he pointed out that we atheists probably aren’t Satan’s minions.  So that was nice.  I can finally check off “Justice Scalia’s approval” from my bucket list.

Yeah, it’s nice to probably not be Satan’s minion.  Thanks for throwing us a bone.  You’re probably not Satan’s minion either, your honor.

But then he ruins the tender moment by going on to say that disbelief in God (quote) “certainly favors the devil’s desires.”  So you can see why I pity drafted this guy in my celebrity death pool.  There’s nobody else I’d rather see die before January 20, 2017, but I know he’s gonna fucking live.  It was like drafting Aaron Hernandez for fantasy football, just cause you’re a big Patriots fan.  

Scalia says atheism “favors the devil’s desires”: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/07/scalia-says-satan-is-a-real-person/

And in the “Everybody was Kung Jew Fighting” file tonight, we turn to a story that wouldn’t be funny at all if the people involved didn’t have curly sideburns and goofy little hatlets.  Two ass-kicking rabbis face charges of kidnapping and assault after allegedly starting a business kidnapping and assaulting.

I’m sure it was kosher assault . . . But seriously, the Jewish people won’t be able to continue being loved the world over, if they keep this shit up.  America is no place for absurd religious beliefs that lead to insane criminal acts, unless you have a note from Jesus.  Did these rabbis, by any chance, have a note from the savior their tribe murdered?  No?

No, but give them two days and I’m sure they can beat one out of him.  But up to this point, they’ve been restricting their attacks to Orthodox men who refused to give their wives a “get”, which is basically a human bill of sale that grants a woman a divorce.  And despite the fact that divorcing an orthodox Jewish woman should be its own reward, some Jewish men are sexist, vindictive assholes.  Which is where Shlomo and the Chhhhammer come in.

So the rabbi could declare the divorce and stop having the congregation shame the whore-wife…  Or he could torture the husband into giving the “get”?  And he goes with the torture?!?  

So the “get rule” is set in stone, but rules about whether it’s bad to kidnap and torture . . . Those are gray areas with lots of midrash?!?  (Which sounds like a diagnosis by a geriatric gynecologist.)

According to the FBI, the two would cover the victim’s heads in a plastic bag and torture them with a cattle prod and karate until they would agree to grant the get.  And as fucked up as that is, I find myself siding with the cattleprod wielding ninja jews.  Because, first of all, it’s a hilarious mental image; but more importantly, the stupid, fucked up, prehistoric morality these asswipes cling to makes it all but impossible for a divorced woman to lead a normal life in the community until her ex-husband says so.

Rabbis planned to kidnap husbands and force divorces: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/10/rabbis-plotted-to-kidnap-husbands-force-divorces-fbi-says/

In “justified filicide” news, a Hindu man murdered his infant son by striking him twice on the neck with an axe.  Which just goes to show you, Hindu men are not very coordinated.  His defense lawyer plans to argue that conviction would be a violation of the free exercise of murderous religious beliefs clause.  

Yeah, just in case you thought making jokes about torturing jews with cattleprods was the lowest we were going tonight, here’s a story about a man murdering an 8 month old with an axe.  I wonder if we can somehow parlay this into an abortion joke…

Nobody pivots to abortion better than Noah Lugeons . . .

Speaking of which, while crafting a response to this horrific event, one atheist podcaster wrote, “Fuck – At least we’re just killing fetuses . . . I’m not comparing the Hindu goddess Kali’s stance on murdering children, to my atheist stance on murdering bundles of undifferentiated cells that nobody loves . . . But Hinduism is clearly worse here.  My abortions can beat up your infant sacrifices.”

Hindu man sacrifices 8 month old to god: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/12/hindu-man-brutally-murders-8-month-old-son-as-a-sacrifice-to-goddess-kali/

And in “The Father, the Son and That Other Fella” news tonight, the Vatican has recalled more than 6000 medals that were issued to commemorate the pontificate of Pope Fransylvania six-five thousand.

As if selling indulgences isn’t enough, now the Vatican’s literally minting their own money?!?  Why not just give the gold straight to the rape victims, right away … on the nightstand like a proper gospel John.

The medal contained an image of the new muppet-pope on the front and an image of St. Matthew talking to some dude named Lesus.  Or at least, that’s how he’s identified on the misspelled inscription that prompted the recall.

“Does the name of our lord and savior look right to you?  Will you have the intern go check on JexisNexis if it’s Jesus, or Lesus.  Tell him not to fuck it up this time, or we’ll keep treating him exactly how you’d imagine a Vatican intern gets treated.”  

“Yo soy- Ego sum Lay-Zeus!  All other gods must bow before, Lay-Zeus!  For those of you who don’t Joquar Jatine, Lay-Zeus is Jatin for . . . The Zeus.”  

While I can think of no more appropriate way to commemorate the current pontificate than issuing something that has to immediately be retracted, the Vatican is acting like they got caught with their hand in a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.

Vatican misspells Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/10/vatican-jesus-medal_n_4080403.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Moving on to “pork-free telecom” news . . . Israel has sanctioned a kosher-certifed cell phone service.  The new product is obviously called the Adonai-Phone, and will be sold at Adam’s Apple Stores Jewish-nationwide. However, one of what must be many, conservative theocratic governing bodies in Israel, the Rabbinical Committee for Communications, mandated that subscribers be blocked from using the normal pre-installed rape and mental crisis hotlines.   

Before we move on, allow me to restate exactly what you just said in my “you’ve-gotta-be-fucking-kidding-me” voice: “They mandated that subscribers be blocked from using pre-installed rape and mental crisis hotlines!”

When you block stuff that helps with rape and insanity, it’s really hard not to jump straight to the allegation that Judaism is fully aware of being an unsolicited mind fuck . . . with some real rape built in somewhere too.  When asked for a response to this accusation, Judaism texted me back, saying: “Well we wouldn’t use those exact words, but we certainly can’t have those numbers on speed dial.  We’re trying to run a business here!”    

“Do you have a phone that will also tell my wife she’s a useless bitch and nobody loves her?  How about one that smacks her if she tries to think?”

So I read this story several times over, and I’m still trying to figure out the kosher stance here  . . . Maybe some obscure torah verse that technically makes Microsoft bloatware and other built-ins against the rules?  But even then, it’s just the rape and mental illness lines they targeted.  What good intentions could be behind blocking those two things only?

Yeah, equally disturbing is the guy in some boardroom who said, “So you’ll buy the phones as long as we disable the rape hotline?  Both the male and female rape hotlines?  Sounds reasonable to me, sure.”

“What’s that you’re buying? Candy, KY jelly, and a van? . . . And some bullets? . . . Isn’t Walmart great?!?  I’m sure there’s a perfectly good, unrapey reason for those purchases.”

“You know, I’m just curious, of course, not that I’m gonna do it or anything, but does this Pez Dispenser work with roofies?”

Kosher phones block emergency numbers for sexual assault victims: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4431017,00.html

That’ll do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.

Catchphrase, exclamation mark.

And when we come back, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible will join us to explain how he managed to get top billing over the inerrant word of god.

Outro

Before we put it in park for the night I want to take a second to congratulate our friends Frank and Dan over at the “Thank God I’m Atheist” podcast for reaching the 100 episode milestone.  I’m only now starting to comprehend exactly how much work goes into hitting that mark so a very well-deserved shout out to two guys fighting the good fight in the belly of the beast.

And just so that none of the math-geeks email us to tell me that the number 100 is ultimately meaningless, I’m also gonna congratulate our friend George Hrab from the Geologic podcast on his 334th episode as well.

Oh… and we’ve got the finalized logo, the correct file sizes and the whole nine at this point so if I don’t have some merch available for you by Saturday night I’ve got nobody to blame for it but myself.  We’re really, really close to having T-shirts and other as-yet-undetermined shwag so look for that in the coming days.  We’ll be shouting ceaselessly about it on the Facebook page, the Twitter feed and, of course, the blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  But don’t worry, there will still be plenty of time to get grandma a Scathing Atheist T-Shirt for Christmas.

I gotta toss out one more quick thanks to Thomas for hanging out tonight.  I wasn’t kidding about his podcast kicking ass but if you don’t believe me, you’ll find proof in the form of a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

http://www.thomasandthebible.com/

I also need to thank Heath, of course, for somehow continuing to be that damn funny every week, I need to thank Lucinda for lending us a snippet of her lovely voice, I need to thank Cameron from the Cam’s world (dot) de podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.   His is a newer podcast that promotes scientific skepticism in the world of sports, so definitely a mission I can get behind 100% and don’t let the (dot) DE fool you, it’s in English.  You’ll find it linked on the shownotes as well.

http://camsworldde.libsyn.com/

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most essential anthropoids; William, David, Richard and Crouchy.  William, whose intellectual strength is too great to measure in anything but raw horsepower; David, whose ninja reflexes are the envy of photons everywhere; Richard, whose illustriousness will almost certainly lead to his first name being the only one to ever be officially retired and Crouchy, whose behemoth genitals have to be factored into meteorological equations.

These four exemplary individuals have proved themselves to probably not be the minions of Satan this week by giving us money.  Only the most heroic, high-minded, Herculean and harmonious heathens have the heart to give us money, but if you think you share William, David, Richard and Crouchy’s commitment to complimentary adjectives that start with H, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help us out but you spent all your money on the finer hookers in life, you can always help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing 5-star review on iTunes and/or telling somebody about the show and nagging them until they listen to it.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you next week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  If you can’t wait that long, be sure to pop over to the website, look for the “extras” tab on the top of the page and get your required dose of bonus scatheism.  And of course, check us out on all those social media sites and stuff and listen to us on Stitcher just in case.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 34 – Partial Transcript

October 11, 2013 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language in pretty much every sentence except this one.

 

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by End Timex Doomsday Clocks and Watches

End Timex crafts “End Time Pieces” for the sophisticated apocalypse watcher, or anyone with lots of money to burn before the rapture.  We’re so confident in our work, and in ancient prophecy, that we offer a “this lifetime warranty” on every purchase (wink wink).     

End Timex: Because you all have down counter syndrome.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

 

Intro

It’s Thursday,

It’s October 10th,

and there’s a Broadway Bomb in Manhattan on Saturday that has nothing to do with Islam.     

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright

And from ignorantly Christopher Columbus friendly New York, New York

This is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode…

  • We’ll learn that people who really love America work to overthrow it,  

  • We examine a new humane, cage-free breed of rape joke.

  • And we’ll finger bang for Jesus

But first, the soothing tones of Noah Lugeons apologizing for being right.  Let’s go to the diatribe.

 

Diatribe

There are plenty of bullshit explanations for it, but the primary reason religion persists is because people would rather not think about dying.  Religion doesn’t really solve the problem, but it has proven to be a great way to delay the problem.

I’ve gone on record before in saying that only the slimmest minority of religious people believe in an afterlife.  Anybody who has ever exhibited self-preservation or mourned a loved one is full of shit if they tell you they honestly believe in heaven everlasting.  Or they think they and all their loved ones are evil and hellbound.

My favorite analogy is a soldier that took a fatal wound and he’s lying on the battlefield.  Religion comes up and hands him two band-aids and says “Here, put these over your eyes so you don’t see the wound.  It’ll go numb eventually.  Sure, it’ll still hurt if you move it and you’ll still die from it, but it’s better this way.”

And from what I’ve seen, when people cut their ties to religion, the rope marked “afterlife” is the last one to go and the hardest one to cut.  I know plenty of atheists that still try to cling to any suspect pseudo-science that claims to provide evidence for a soul.

I also know plenty of lenient atheists that are willing to excuse religion from any wrongdoing based solely on this dubious assumption: Religion helps people deal with loss.  Sure, you and I can handle confronting our mortality and the mortality of the people around us, but those dumbasses?  They need a fairy tale to cling to.  They need their security blanket and who are we to deny them their soul-snuggie?

Setting aside for a second that obviously their fairy tale doesn’t work, there are still some serious problems that arise when you try to spackle over the inevitable.  One way or the other, the wound is still bleeding and eventually you’re going to have to come to grips with it.  And who’s better suited for the task?  The person who spent their lives boldly facing their fragility or the person who spent the last few decades pretending they thought they got to go to the super-happy-world dimension?

I was listening to the Atheist Experience the other day, and for the eleven people that somehow heard of our show without hearing about theirs first, it’s a live, public access call-in show where they take calls from atheists and believers alike.  And even though 80% of their callers annoy the shit out of me, I still enjoy the show enough to listen to it every Monday morning.

Anyway, so a woman calls in and she’s clearly wavering in her faith.  She’s clearly made the mistake of critically examining her religious beliefs and they’re fast a-crumblin’.  But she’s holding out.  She’s having trouble letting go and it’s because she doesn’t want to take the band-aids off her eyes.

And it’s not a self-serving thing… or, at least not a directly self serving thing.  She seemed almost embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t her own death she was fearing.  It was her cats.  She was a cat person.  She’d lost a lot of cats over her life and she wanted above all things to know that someday she would be reunited with them.

I’m a cat person.  And as silly as this might seem to some, I understood one hundred percent.  I was lucky enough to be raised without a strong religious influence, so I came to grips with the “I’m gonna outlive my pets” thing a long time ago, but I can imagine how hard it would be to abandon such a pleasant fiction if you’d been using it to delay confronting the emotions.

So when I heard this, because I’m me, I got pissed.  That’s pretty much always my reaction when it comes to religion… you might have noticed.

See, here’s the cruel, if unintentional, consequence of believing in Heaven.  It’s not there.  And unless you’ve got some kind of serious mental dysfunction you eventually realize that it’s not there.  You eventually realize that you’ve been lied to the whole time and somehow you feel robbed of something you never even had to begin with.

What’s worse is that a lot of people only discover the net was an illusion when they jump into it.  It’s only when they have to face their own mortality or the mortality of someone they love that they realize the whole thing was a house of cards.  They’re counting on god to make sense of it all; they’re counting on heaven to make the loss easier to bear; they’re counting on religion to finally pay them back for all those tithes.

But there was never anything there.  And in the end they eventually have to deal with their loss the same way we secularists deal with it.  But we secularists get a bonus.  A realistic outlook on life and death leaves the finality in the forefront of your mind rather than trying to hide in the basement.  Every time I think about the people I love I temper it with their transience and it reminds me to forgive, to indulge, to embrace.  And it reminds me to pet my cats whenever the hell they tell me to because someday I won’t be able to anymore.

They said that religion would make it easier, but it doesn’t.  It’s in times like those that religion is at it’s weakest.  And mourning a loved one is hard enough if you don’t have to mourn your god alongside them.

 

Headlines

Re- joining me for headlines tonight is rejoiner Heath Enwright.  Heath, do you have a rejoinder?

No.  Can’t you just go straight to an improvised rhyming headline?

In our lead story tonight, Hobby Lobby lobs a snobby, snow job-by, daub of copy in a sloppy attempt to seem less lynch mob-by.  The half-assed apology came after New Jersey blogger Ken Berwitz complained to an employee that he couldn’t find any Hanukkah decorations only to be told that the jews should have thought about that before they killed Jesus.

I don’t agree with anyone involved, about anything.  I don’t like Christianity, I don’t like Judaism, and I don’t like holiday decorations of any kind.  That being said, why would a Jewish person be angry that a “bigoted” Christian store chain has stupid business practices?!?  Plus if you’re Jewish, you can’t transact on Saturday, it’s closed on Sunday, and you’re conspiring against Palestine all week, so when are you going there anyway?  

The corporation, which until now seemed to be operating under the “alienate-every-heathen-we-can” marketing strategy, surprised onlookers by taking any action whatsoever that failed to reinforce the “Christian-fuck-monkey” reputation they’ve worked so hard to earn.

I don’t think a business owned by religious fundamentalists should be allowed to use the word ‘hobby’.  Wouldn’t it be great if religious people just made little figurines and dioramas, AND THAT’S IT?!  Fly some model airplanes into the side of a building – that’s fine.  Just know that the actual Boba Fett isn’t going to descend from heaven with angellic jet pack wings and save humanity from sin.    

Hey, you can’t prove there’s no Boba Fett… and speaking of not being able to prove, Berwitz cites the irrefutable source of “some woman my wife knows”, who claims that upon asking where the Hanukkah merchandise was, the aforementioned friend of a friend was told (pseudo-quote) “We don’t cater to your people” (end quote), though I’m damn tempted to add “your droids will have to wait outside”.

“I’m sorry, ma’am.  We suggest that all Jews proceed to the ‘lobby’ section of the store.  Try out the ‘oxygen’ bar.  But there’s nothing for you in the ‘hobby’ section.  And yes those Golem droids will have to wait outside.”

In Hobby Lobby’s defense, a number of the company’s stores do carry a limited selection of Jewy stuff and have for years.  Plus, how the hell were they supposed to know there were Jews in a city less than fifty miles from Manhattan?

Hobby Lobby reluctantly agrees to carry Jewish holiday stuff: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/04/hobby-lobby-jewish-holiday_n_4046481.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

In “pedophile scandal oversight bell curve” news, the Vatican grade has improved from a lazy F, to an equally lazy D minus by default, after an expert in the field admits his own evangelicals are even worse than Catholics.  Regardless, the existence of an “expert in the field” and also the existence of “the field” are god’s fault.  

You know that the Catholics are celebrating this publicly, but behind the scenes Pope Frannie Mae has everybody down to the Vatican lunch ladies raping kids overtime.  They don’t like being number two in anything and they especially hate number two when they’re butt-raping kids.

The expert in question is named Boz Tchividjian– … The expert in question has a name, and his initials are BT.  Mr. T gained his expertise as executive director of Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment, or GRACE.  They investigate sex abuse allegations, and are exactly the type of organization that should have a clever, playful acronym.         

They considered going with Butt and Lip Intrusion Survivors Society, or BLISS and I hear they also rejected Bureau of Rampant Accusations of Clergy Encroaching on Young Or Underage Rectums, Sometimes Evoking Legal Fees; or BRACE-YOURSELF.

Mr T. says, “Protestants can be very arrogant when pointing to Catholics.” . . .

Apparently decades of being relatively less bad than their rival sect at handling pedophile scandals, was a big point of pride.  Rapist Clergy Handling is their Army-Navy game.  Even though both teams often enter the game winless, the season is a big success for the winner that ends up with a 1 – 11 record.           

I hear that Pentecostals rape children in tongues.

The takeaway here, is that eating babies is way less egregious than raping altar boys.  But when Richard Dawkins finally gets caught eating “tar baby tartare”, you won’t see atheists smuggling him out of England to avoid prosecution.  Why is he eating dark meat?  It sounded better.    

Pedophile expert declares Protestants worse than Catholicshttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2013/10/tchividjian-protestants-worse-than-catholics/

And moving on to “beep beep, mm- beep beep No” news, this week’s ridiculous example of Muslim misogyny comes to us from Saudi cleric and person whose name is clearly compensating for something, Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan.  In an interview with sabq.org, this vacuous dingleberry warned that women who drive cars risk damage to their ovaries that will likely lead to mutant babies.

I’d say regardless of driving – women risk damaging their ovaries by continuing to live in Saudi Arabia.  Do women who drive, birth mutants every time?  Yes.  Should women be driving in general?  No.  But move out of Arapia first, and then worry about vehicular rights you don’t deserve.  Arguing about it while you’re still living under sharia law, is like a heroin addict giving up chocolate for lent.  

Appealing to Saudi women’s sense of maternal duty and utter lack of reproductive education, al-Lohaidan offered his bloviations in response to a growing social movement among Saudi women who want the right to drive for reasons including but not limited to running over assholes like this cleric.

Maybe a little genetic mutation in Saudi Arabia isn’t the worst thing in the world?  Bunch of pregnant muslims sneaking into cars, turning out jews and atheists.  Might teach ’em a lesson.  

Muslim Clerics warn women who drive will damage their ovaries and have mutant babies: http://blogs.reuters.com/faithworld/2013/09/29/top-saudi-cleric-says-women-who-drive-risk-damaging-their-ovaries/

And in “Anti-Arab Autumn” news, the same lawyer who thinks President Obama was birthed by a lion in Kenya, is now calling for a takeover of the executive branch, in order to halt the nearly-completed installation of an Islamic theocracy in Washington.  

Oh right, you Arab-spring ahead and Arab-fall back…

Larry Klayman, the asshole who tried to claim Kenyans can’t run, said this about the POTUS . . . and I’m paraphrasing . . .

Wait, I’m sorry, did you say this dude’s name was “Larry Klansmen?”

(quote) “[Don’t quote me on this, but… I don’t like] his Muslim, socialist, anti-Semitic, anti-Christian, anti-white, pro-illegal immigrant, pro-radical gay and lesbian agenda [face!].” (end quote)

Few things . . . First, I quoted you.  Suck it.  Next, Mexicans are all Catholic, so you can’t be pro-illegal immigrant, and anti-Christian at the same time in this country.  Also, what the fuck is the “radical” gay agenda?!? . . . “Must ask, must tell… in graphic detail”?  Are there super-mutant gay people, suggesting us inferior hetero-breeders will be weeded out by evolution?!?  XXX Men?

Klayman goes on to suggest the President deserves prison time, and actually uses the phrase “leave town”, like he’s fucking Wyatt Earp, and Obama – being yellow bellied and lilly livered – would decide it’s best to take his family back to Chicago, or the savannah outside Nairobi, or wherever they’re from.  

Obama’s Muslims agenda gone too far – Klayman calls for military coup: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/klayman-sets-date-revolution-end-obamas-reign-terror

And in “Would You Like to Fry in Hell With That?” news, a Chicago area restaurant is enraging Catholics all over the country by disrespecting their magic cracker.  Kuma’s Corner, a “heavy metal” themed burger joint is offering a sacrilegious special in October called the “Ghost” burger, which looks kind of crappy even if you take off the controversial communion wafer garnish that has the papists so pissy.

What are we supposed to eat the body of Christ raw and unseasoned like the bloody savage Catholics?!?  Can you imagine a butcher selling filet mignon, as patrons walk up in line and french kiss the steak out of his mouth.  If religion isn’t stupid enough yet, in this analogy, they would all sit down and eat the bloody steak right there in the shop, while the butcher gave a speech about holy cows.    

With brazen disregard for the sanctity of unleavened biscuits, the restaurant’s management is offering the tasteless treat (along with a red wine reduction) in conjunction with the release of a new album from the band “Ghost”.  Apparently the band is known for dressing in clerical garb onstage, or rather, that’s what they were known for before they were known for being that band that inspired that burger joint to fuck with pope-crackers.

Well as long as the band isn’t being ironic, the “sin and out” burger should be protected under the free exercise clause.  However, if they are being ironic, it’s protected under “you can do what you want”.  So as long as they aren’t being ironic or genuine, the Catholics have a legitimate gripe.     

Well only some reactionary Catholics have expressed outrage over this publicity stunt, more level headed papists urge a rational response.  After all, it’s just a cracker.  It’s not like a Cardinal has already performed the magic spell that turns it into divine jewish god-flesh or anything.

Chicago restaurant offers “Communion Burger”, Catholics lose their shit: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/03/is-the-communion-burger-in-poor-taste/

And from the “Who said British parties are boring” file, Students from the “Atheist, Secularist and Humanist Society” at London School of Economics were forced to leave the university’s first-year student fair, because of T-shirts with cartoons that offended religious people.  In a rare twist, it was the normally thick-skinned followers of Islam that took umbrage with free speech.  

Next thing you’re gonna tell me people are chopping off pieces of their babies’ dicks.

The next day, despite the hilarious solution of putting tape over the “offensive” parts, reading “Censored” and “Nothing to see here”, the atheists were once again ejected.   Maybe the tape was a little insensitive . . . Can’t believe they didn’t wear burkas over the shirts on day two.

What if we just said we were offended by offense.  Would it send the politically correct fucktards into a self-reinforcing feedback loop of inevitable destruction?  And if we try that and it fails, can we just kick them in the nuts?

One atheist, always the diplomatic problem solver, suggested Muslims could just close their eye-slit as they walked past the atheist table.  Then a pedantic onlooker who doesn’t understand sarcasm, pointed out that only women have the eye-slit thing, and eye-slit-clad women clearly aren’t allowed to study economics.  Then he added, “I don’t want to be pedantic, but the eye-slit thing is called a niqab.”

Bottom line, getting offended by British nerds is YOUR fault.

Jesus and Mo T-shirts censored at LSE: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/06/wearing-jesus-mo-shirts-doesnt-mean-youre-discriminating-against-christians-and-muslims/

And finally tonight, in “I don’t care how straight you are, you wish this was a video of two dudes going full anal” news, we bring you the latest in creative and awesome “fuck you”s directed at Fred Phelps and the notorious Westboro Baptist church.

What do you mean, “wish”?  That “Phelps on Phelps Backstroke” video you sent me isn’t the one we’re talking about?

No, by court order I can’t admit to having that one.  This is a different one.  But there’s a set-up.  Previously on the Scathing Atheist we brought you the story of Aaron Jackson who bought the house across the street from the church and painted it all gay and rainbowy.  More recently we brought you the story of members of the Satanic Temple turning Phelps’ dead mom gay by beating off on her tombstone.  But in an impressive display of one upmanship the punk band “Get Shot” offered the WBC the most literal “go fuck yourself” yet by going to the church and fucking themselves.

Gotta love this country.  The American version of “Pussy Riot” features actual free market pussy.   

Bass player and autoerotic-engineer Laura Lush decided that the lawn of the church would make an ideal backdrop for a video of her pleasuring herself dressed in nothing but nail polish.  

Bass player for California punk band does some fingering below the staff.  

Although she didn’t really need a porn alias, Laura Lush is also known by her porn alias, Flora Bush.  When asked for a statement, she could have but didn’t say, (quote) “My bow and my staff, I come for them.”

According to the band’s press release they contacted the church in hopes of obtaining any surveillance footage that might have had a good up-vag angle, though there’s no word on whether Phelps and friends are done jacking off to it yet.

Or spanking the bass . . .

They were worried police might arrive, and they would have a real mess on their hands, so they got in and out, and got the shot quickly.  She wanted to take it a second time, but the guys with the equipment were tired and ready to leave . . .

OK, as usual we’ll put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Titles for the new porn, Go!!!

Vaginal DJ in B-Cup Minor

The band’s called, Get Shot! . . . the porn’s gotta be called, “Get Money Shot!” . . . Hopefully she’s a squirter, or at least willing to get her feet wet.  

Um… The Mighty Fist of God?

“The Girl with the Bass Cleft Asshole” . . . Perfect if Stieg Larsson starts writing atheist porn scripts along with the Coen Brothers.

What about just “Spunk Rock”?

Those Spunk Rockers do like to DIY.

Or just DY.

With KY.

And of course, I don’t want to close this segment before pointing out that I, too, believe that god hates fags, just in case there were any punk bands in the New York area whose hot, exhibitionist bass players were looking for a lawn on which to strip naked and masturbate.

Punk Band shoots porn video on lawn of Westboro Baptist Church: https://www.facebook.com/getshotkicksass/posts/519319074820814

And on that string of below the belt jokes we’ll close the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

Yeah, whatever.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here so don’t tell her about all the pussy jokes.

 

Poem

Okay so yeah, I read Ruth and to tell you the truth,

You sneeze and you’re through it, so screw it, I can’t write an ode to it.

I mean shit, ya’ll a poem? I don’t know, um…

 

Roses are red and violets are blue;

Ruth wants to fuck Boaz and he wants it too.  

So they do, that’s the end, hallelujah, amen.

 

Cause that’s it.  Holy shit, I don’t get where to go,

And I know that for seven shows in a row,

I’ve put something mildly clever together, but that can’t last forever…

 

Sure, I know some were ho-hum but at least they were poems,

And now it’s expected, you’d feel disrespected, dejected;

Our poor audience who saw me once as a dependable dude, it would be rude.

So I’m screwed.

 

Hell, I really start bumming when I look at what’s coming.

What, I’m gonna write two poems about Samuel and two about Kings?

By Chronicles we’re all gonna be sick of these things.

 

And I know that you’d say it’s okay, it’s not like you pay

for this shit, so a day off is fit, I can lay off for a bit and omit that skit.

But if I should neglect what our fanbase expects, what comes next?

A show with no sponsor?  Or no diatribe in it?

Or one that comes out late on Friday and is 32 minutes?

 

So I read and reread and see that indeed;

There’s nothing worth rhyming in this whole boring screed.

Why does it bore me?  No story.  That’s hard to ignore, we

Just came off seven books that were horrid and gory,

 

And now this load of piss?  No armies, no slaughter,

No tossing a rape mob your viriginal daughter,

Sure, I guess if I’m pressed, I’ll confess there’s some sex to address,

But I’m no less stressed,

 

Because as much innuendo I find buried just underneath,

And knowing that blowjob jokes always have teeth,

I know that there isn’t much humor this book can bequeath

And I can’t steal all the dick jokes from Lucinda and Heath…

 

So a thousand apologies, but I’ve written poems for all of these (of varying qualities),

But writing a poem for Ruth is like pulling a tooth.

And I’m on a deadline, still gotta write headlines and I’m crossing my redline,

 

So with all due respect, I’m vexed and perplexed and I can’t make this text rhyme,

So no poem for this episode, but I’ll do better the next time,

 

Babble

Logging in at a whopping 4 books, Ruth is one of the shortest books in the bible and is so short, in fact, that you could read it quicker than we can finish this segment, but you wouldn’t want to because it still sucks.

So joining Heath and me to take on this biblical pamphlet is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome to the show.

Before we get started, it’s probably worth noting that the book of Ruth was a late edition to the Historical Books and was written by an unknown author who really, really wanted to fuck a Moabite chick and didn’t want to be stoned to death for it.

And with that let’s dive in.

  1. First we meet Naomi who has a really shitty turn of luck.  Her husband dies and both of her adult sons die, leaving her with nothing but two daughter-in-laws, and since women are worse than worthless in the bible, that’s like having less than nothing.

  • Sure you hear about famine in the news.  But when you’re living in a safe nomadic religious desert tribe, you never think it can happen to your family.  Even if your book needs a minor plot impetus.    

  1. So barren and hapless, Naomi decides to return from the land of the Moabites to her people, who are the Jews, and both of her daughter-in-laws want to come with her.  She talks Orpah into fucking off, but the infatuated lesbian daughter-in-law Ruth goes off on a stalkers monologue that makes the lyrics to “I’ll Be Watching You” seem like a healthy relationship.

  2. So they get back to Naomi’s hometown of Bethlehem and everybody runs out and says, “Hey Naomi”, but she’s changed her name because Naomi means “pleasant” and since god hated her enough to kill her family, she asks them to call her “Mara”, which means “bitter”.  Because we all love these mid-book name changes.

  • Yeah I could do without all the”Ocho Cinco” bullshit in the bible. It’s not like she wrastled god near a directional body of water or something.   

  1. So they get back to Bethlehem and Ruth figures they gotta eat so she goes out to scrounge some leftover grain, which is what the destitute did back then.  While she’s out there busting her ass, the wealthy and available Boaz takes notice of her and lays on the flirt.

  • And Boaz is every Jewish-stepmother-of-a-Moabite-lesbian-widow’s dream son in law.  He’s in the tribe, he owns land.  He’s one classy Jew.  He put the Lacoste back in Holocaust before it even existed.    

  1. And it’s so hard not to sexualize the hell out of the conversation.  Especially when he starts telling her to dip her morsel in his sour wine.

  2. Or when she (quote) “fell prostrate with her face to the ground before him”

  • “Oops I fell over . . . I’m just a poor, clumsy shixa, trying to break into Judaism.   How will I ever pay you for these free scraps of grain?”

    1. So she gathers all the grain she can hold and brings it back to town to show Naomi cum Mara how much she got.  Naomi tells her “good job.  Now whoever’s dick you sucked to get this, go back and swallow next time”.  Cause mom knows a good thing when she sucks it.

  1. So Naomi hatches a plan for Ruth to win Boaz’s heart and I dare say that it’s an effective man-seducing strategy.  She tells Ruth to get all dolled up, wait until Boaz gets drunk and passes out, and crawl into bed with him.  And then when he wakes up, do whatever he tells you to do.

  • “What if he thinks I’m ugly?”  

“You are ugly, Ruth.  You’re an ugly race traitor whore.  But beauty is in the eyes of the money shot beholder.”

Now, this is important to point out.  In the book it says that mom told her to “uncover his feet” while he’s sleeping.  And, of course, as we noted when we did Exodus, foot is often a biblical euphemism for the cock.

  • Astute listener, Will, actually emailed us to make sure we got that.  “I know you guys don’t have trouble fitting dick jokes into your segments, but foot is DaVinci code for dick.”

And he was smart about it, too.  He left the message in the note-line of a donation to the show, which is always the best place to leave messages for us.

  1. So she does exactly that and when he wakes up he’s says, “Hey, chick sleeping at my feet.  Cool.  Who the hell are you?”  So she tells him that she’s there to suck him off or whatever he prefers.

  • Just put your cloak over my head, like I’m a subway prostitute, so nobody will see me blowing you.  

  1. And Boaz must be a little hungover because he says, “Let me see if I can find somebody else that can fuck you tomorrow, but if not, I’ll take care of you.”

  • “Yeah listen . . . I know you’re new and everything, so you probably didn’t read all the stuff in the manual, but I can’t just fuck you myself when there’s a closer relative that might want to fuck you . . . I see the look on your face right now, but I swear we’re not crazy.”      

  1. And proving that he totally doesn’t know how the hooker thing works, he pays her for not fucking him and sends her on her way.

  • “I’m sure waking up to you technically already blowing me had nothing to do with the grain thing.  Unless you’re running some sort of ageless long con . . . Nah – I’m paying you anyway.”   

  1. So then Boaz tries to pawn Ruth off on one of his relatives but when his cousin realizes that it would fuck up his inheritance, Boaz agrees to marry Ruth and take all of her dead husband’s shit and make babies with her.

    1. Right, but he agrees to that with ten of the city elders.  He doesn’t agree with her.

    2. Hebrew woman is like altar-boy: consent is assumed.

  • Personal consent is too subjective.  Immaculate consent is much more objective.    

  1. So yeah, after this hugely romantic gesture the book ends and we realize that no, there was no fucking point whatsoever.  Except maybe to point out that King David was so awesome that even his great grandmother gets a whole book of the bible.

And yeah, that’s it.  It’s a love-story with no conflict.  It literally is “boy meets girl, they get married and have kids”.  Nothing to resolve.  It’s like a rom-com where two co-workers that get along just fine go on a business trip together and continue to get along just fine.  And then they fuck.

I’m okay with that.  We didn’t splash any blood or rape anybody or anything.  It’s a nice change of pace.  And it was the shortest book so it was also the best one.

Yeah, but it’s tempting to say that even this short-ass book was way too long considering how little it had to say, but when you consider what a bunch of raging fucking bigots biblical era jews were, the very fact that Ruth is a foreigner is plenty of conflict.  According to the introductory essay in the NSRV (which is almost as long as the book in this instance), this was a post-facto addition to the Historical books meant to soften the “no boning foreigners” rule.

You can fuck them, but only flaccid.  So god made women called Ruth forever ugly, as a reminder.  

Except the one that donated to our show.  So before we accidentally insult anymore of our financial supporters we’ll wrap this edition of the Holy Babble.  Lucinda, Heath, thanks for ignoring your gag reflex long enough to keep doing this.

And remember, if you’re reading along at home, stop doing that.  We’re reading it so you don’t have to.

 

Outro

Before we blow our load tonight I want to offer another piss-poor excuse for not having merch available yet, but I don’t have one so I’m just going to sheepishly admit that it’ll be at least one more week.

Of course I can’t end this thing without thanking Heath and Lucinda for being a collective two thirds of why this thing works and, of course, I also need to thank Shujin Tribble from the Feline Conspiracies Wednesday Night 80s Bash in Second Life for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, I’m not sure exactly what that even is, but thanks bro, very fun one.

I also want to thank everybody who took the time this week, or any week for that matter, to leave us a five star review on iTunes.  We all really appreciate that and it’s one of the best ways we know of to help us spread the word so thanks to everybody who has and to everybody who hasn’t, also known as 97% or our audience, c’mon folks, it’s free and I’m practically begging here.

I also want to thank everyone who shares the show on Facebook or Twitter or tells their friends about it or recites it aloud at the grocery store.  But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s wittiest, prettiest and most fastidious people; Richard, Brian, Roger, Stephen, Alison, Timothy, Geoff, April, Parminder, Elena, Mike, Eric, Stephen, Will and Duncan.  Known throughout the galaxy as the dirty dozen and one quarter, these fifteen heroic, resolute, dashing, daring and stouthearted adventurers have earned praise both limitless and eternal by giving us money.

Only the most valiant, valorous and venturesome vanquishers have the verisimilitude required to give us money, but if you think you measure up to the noblesse of Richard, Brian, Roger, Stephen, Alison, Timothy, Geoff, April, Parminder, Elena, Mike, Eric, Stephen, Will and Duncan, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And a quick note to those cyclically awesome few who have tried to set up recurring monthly donations on Paypal for us, thanks a ton, for whatever reason those don’t seem to be going through, but I’m on it from my end and we’ll try to get that worked out, I promise.  Believe me, nobody wants to make it easier for you to give us money than we do.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 32 – Partial Transcript

September 26, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of confessional restaurants, Plenary Hollywood, where there’s truth in every booth and respite in every bite.  Come in Tuesdays for half priced Absolution Vodka Martinis because drinking your problems away is every bit as effective as Catholicism.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s September 26th and we don’t fuck with Hindus enough.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from generally assembled New York, New York this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode…

  • We discover that the Lone Star State was graded on a scale of 5 stars,

  • We’ll learn that you can’t say ‘bomb’ on an airplane, ‘fire’ in a theater or ‘atheist’ on a bus.

  • And we’ll manage to make abortion jokes and anal sex jokes at the same time.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

It doesn’t surprise me at all that most Christians haven’t read the bible.  It’s long, it’s repetitive, it’s boring, it’s pointless and it’s stupid.  Why would anyone read that fucking thing?  But what does surprise me is how few of them even know what it’s about.  You couldn’t bother even reading the cliff’s notes, guys?

You constantly hear Christians attributing shit to the bible that isn’t there.  A lot of them will tell you that the bible says, “God helps those who help themselves”.  But not only does that never appear anywhere in the bible, it’s completely antipodal to the bible’s core message.

They’ll tell you the bible says to “Love the sinner, hate the sin”, but, surprise, surprise, that doesn’t come from the bible either.  It comes from St. Augustine’s desperate attempts to dial the bible back a bit.

How about “spare the rod, spoil the child”?  Nope.  Not in the bible.  Don’t get me wrong, the bible certainly endorses the fuck out of beating your children with rods, but somehow god wasn’t able to come up with the pithy pro-child abuse slogan that stuck.

Hell, the other day I was walking by a conversation and heard a guy saying, “Well the bible says, ‘Know Thyself’…”  No, buddy, that was the facade at the temple of Apollo you were thinking of.  But what the hell, it’s good advice, right?  It should be in the bible, right?  So why not attribute it to the bible?

The big problem here is that these jackasses have convinced themselves that the bible is some… book or virtues or something.  They actually think it’s some collection of ethical parables that provides moral guidance.  And who can blame them right?  That’s what everybody told them it was.  That’s what the assholes who know better told them.  It’s not like they’re ever gonna read it and prove them wrong, right?

So instead they bumble around misquoting their own holy book and talking about living their lives by the bible as though that would be desirable… or even legal.

But seriously, the fucking bible!?  It’s the most horrible book on earth.  To pretend that thing’s moral you have to pick cherries like a recently martyred Muslim.  Go open a bible to a random page.  Read a random passage.  I’m willing to bet the vast majority of my penis that you didn’t find anything moral there.  Hell, you’re lucky if you found something morally ambiguous.

You follow the bible do you?  Well how many Amalekites have you killed this month?  How many bulls have you sacrificed at the altar?  How many armed Jewish land conquests have you participated in this year?  Because that’s what this fucking book is about.  I’m reading the damn thing.  You can’t fool me into thinking this is a book about morals.  It’s like if I finally got around to reading the Harry Potter books and found out that there weren’t any wizards in them.

Now, a talented preacher can spin this thing so that it sounds good.  Of course they can, that’s their job.  And that’s fine if you’re in the studio audience, but what about people who are playing the home game?  You’re actually handing people a book that explicitly endorses genocide.  It plainly justifies indiscriminately murdering people that are different than you, that worship different gods than you, that ascribe to different sexual mores than you, that live in different countries than you, that have different genetalia than you… and you’re telling them it’s the be-all, end-all of morality handed down from the all-knowing forger of the universe.  Hard to imagine how that could go wrong.

It’s like replacing the gum in baseball cards with plutonium and saying, “It’s okay, nobody eats the gum.”

A commenter on our Facebook page recently applauded us for our holistic reading of the bible.  He said he felt like it should be required reading for atheists.  Well, I don’t know if I agree with that, but I’d love it if it was at least required reading for Christians.

I don’t honestly think that being an atheist means you have to read the bible, but I do think that honestly reading the bible means you have to be an atheist.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who loves both head and lines, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to make Reuters your crack whore?

Not that I need another crack whore, but sure.

In our lead story tonight, from the “Can you quantify delusional?” file. . . Yes you can.   According to a study by LifeWay Research, “[one] third of Americans – and nearly half of evangelical, fundamentalist, or born-again Christians – believe prayer and Bible study alone can overcome serious mental illness.”  

Wait a second… they’re deluded into thinking delusions can cure delusions?  This is like a Christopher Nolan script that isn’t a horrible cheat rushed to the theater to cap a trilogy.

Granted praying and reading the Bible should quickly turn a person atheist, but there ‘s lots of other ways to cure mental afflictions like Christianity.

I assume you’re referring to crusades.

Here’s some more stupidity by the numbers. The church-funded LifeWay Research group accidentally found and presented the following:  More than two thirds of Americans would feel welcome in church . . . if they were mentally ill . . .

Well if they’re gonna write their own punchlines about themselves, then what the fuck are we doing here?!?  That’s just selfish.  

So two thirds of Americans sit in churches thinking to themselves, “you know what make me fit right in here?  Brain damage”.

Right … just as a general strategy point, the church might want to consider NOT sponsoring studies that in any way juxtapose religion and mental institutions.  And also probably not advisable to poll your flock of inmates on what pills they should take in the asylum.

One third of Americans believe prayer can cure mental illness: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/21/prayer-heal-mental-illness_n_3963949.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Our next story takes us to the “Lone IQ Point State”, where Texas creationists are asking, “If humans evolved from less intelligent primates, why are there still Texas creationists?”

Give us miscegenated liberals a couple more decades, and we’ll breed them out.  

Can’t wait to watch creationism win a Darwin Award.  

Yeah, but between now and then we have to suffer through the oxymoron that is the Texas state Board of Education.  They’re already synonymous with gerrymandering the cerebellums of America’s youth in an effort to rewrite biology, cosmology, physics, anthropology and American history to conform to their narrow, misguided worldview so it should come as no surprise that they’re at it again.

Every house in Texas already has a creationist textbook, where kids can read all about what science would eventually get wrong.  It’s a bestseller.  It’s the best seller ever, literally for Christ’s sake!!!  

But what’s the point in having bibles if you don’t have any throats to cram them down?  So the alarmingly ubiquitary “anti-reality” wing of the Texas electorate is cloaking their efforts to dismantle scientific literacy in the clever but familiar “analyze and evaluate” guise.  Unfortunately for them, Governor Rick Perry doesn’t do “clever” and spilled the beans when he boasted that (quote) “In Texas we teach both creationism and evolution in our public schools” during his abbreviated presidential run, which, incidentally, was abbreviated because he thought teaching creationism was brag-worthy.

As long as old white Christian men are legislating the content of Texan education, why not add the widely-held belief in Texas that slavery is a “complicated issue . . . Way I rememmerit, the coloreds was enslavin’ us sometimes too.”  

Well, they pretty much already did that!  This is only the latest skirmish in a long war.  As many of our listeners are aware, the Texas state Board of Education wields inordinate influence over textbook standards throughout the country.  Unlike every other state in the union, Texas adopts a K-12 curriculum on a statewide rather than district by district basis, which means the Texas state Board of Education is the only single textbook purchaser tossing around twenty billion dollars at a time.  And apparently a dollar sign, a 2 and ten zeroes invariably trumps whatever commitment to educational excellence inspires one to be a textbook publisher.

Texas School Board trying to get more creationism in the school books: http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2013/09/texas_science_textbooks_creationists_try_to_remove_evolution_from_classrooms.html

And in “Malcolm X Machina” news, just when you thought the atheist movement would never find its Black Panthers, enter the radical militant godless group known as the Northeastern Pennsylvania Freethought Society.  

Or the N.P. Frees, as they’re known on the street.

Normally they spend their time planting righteous irony bombs under the cars of abortion clinic bombers, but this time the NPFS really crossed the line.  They recently proposed an advertisement for buses in Lackawanna County, that would show the unadulterated image of the word ‘atheism’, followed . . . by a period.    

In addition to the opprobrious noun, the ad also contained a conspicuous blank space where the crucifix and the benediction should have been.

One deeply offended religious person argued, (quote) “The poster might as well show Dawkins, Hitchens, and Nietzsche forcing Jesus to watch them run the train on his dad.” (end quote)

I smell T-shirt…

In an unrelated coincidence, a new policy was immediately approved by the county transit board, pre-emptively banning any future bus ads containing religious beliefs, including but not limited to belief in the existence of the word atheism.  In Pennsylvania, the mere subject of atheism is too controversial already, so they certainly won’t allow entire atheist sentences with verbs and stuff.  Atheist podcasts are right out.  

We should start a betting pool on which bible belt state will be the first to avoid atheist bus ads by doing away with public transit altogether.

Pennsylvania bus company changes ad policy over lowest-key atheist ad in history: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/18/least-offensive-atheist-ad-ever-leads-to-new-advertising-policy-in-pennsylvania-county/

And in “Chicken Chuckin’” news tonight, human beings with brains and central nervous systems and stuff think they can transfer their asomatous demerits to farm fowl.  I’m talking, of course, about the Jewish ritual of Kapparot, in which people appease Jew god in some kind of centrifugal transmission of sin by swinging live chickens above their heads.

Well the chickens aren’t live for the entire process.

  • “Listen Shmuel . . . You can’t learn physics without murdering chickens.  It’s all right here in the text book.  So like I was saying . . . Centripetal force is what your arm exerts on the chicken.  Centifugal force is a “faux force” that causes the sin to slide down to its beak.”  

Well they better choke their chickens quick while they still can, as radically reasonable Rabbi Adam Frank wants to put an end to this barbaric practice and yes, not wanting to swing chickens to death in the street apparently can qualify a person as radical.

Nothing new here . . . Jews swinging their cock around, and then chopping its head off.  I’m not saying the Kaparot chicken thing and circumcision are equally ridiculous, but they’re certainly sitting in the same enormous ballpark with fifty thousand other stupid antiquated religious rituals.  

And by stupid, antiquated religious rituals, you mean… religious rituals.

And let’s not forget … the rationale is the chickens go to feed the poor.  

But now picture the scene: an orthodox Jewish man swinging a chicken to death over his head as he approaches a homeless Brooklyn man to hand him the carcass.  

Might lead to confusion at times . . . that’s all.  

“Vhat, it’s a perfectly good chicken.”

Rabbi Frank warns that in addition to being sadistic, obscene and moronic, it also causes the rest of the world to lose respect for Jewish culture, adding, “look at these fucking hats and tell me we’ve got respect we can afford to lose”.

Do they hide their expendable respect in the overgrown sideburns of their eight translucent sons, who all appear to have leukemia?  Is that where they hide it?  All the respect?  

Jews perform the annual chicken-baton sin-absorption ritual: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/17/rabbi-is-embarrassed-by-religious-jews-using-swinging-chickens-as-sin-absorbers/

In ‘assaulted by a salted meat’ news, Wayne Stilwel of Scotland has been sentenced to ten months in jail for stealing my idea about using bacon at airport security and Gitmo, but taking it a little too far.    

…or not far enough if you’re me.

The obviously hilarious Edinburgh prankster rendered an entire mosque doubly useless by attaching bacon to the door handles, and throwing bacon into the building.  And when I say ‘doubly’ useless, I mean useless in general reality, and also useless to porkophobes that day.

Yeah, they said the sentence was meant to (quote) “…act as a lesson to show people that all religions need to be respected.”  I’m sorry, but the fact that these nincompoops are calling out the hazmat team to remove the satanic bacon from their magical house fails to earn them any respect with me… And the fact that UK courts sent a dude to jail for illegal use of pancetta doesn’t make me start respecting Muslims, it just makes me stop respecting the UK courts.

The . . . uh . . . head Muslim guy was not reachable for comment, however this would have been his official statement: (quote) “We routinely feast on American infidels, so we don’t have any interest in the other white meat.”      

I’m not saying that what the dude did wasn’t bigoted, but it was hilarious so it doesn’t count.  It’s like all the stuff we say on this show.

Yeah if funny doesn’t cancel out racist, we’re out of business.

And in related “eschewing the fat-wa” news, we learn later in the same story that while a bacon attack will get you ten months, death threats against apostates are just fine, because apostates that don’t wear a burqa anymore, are usually asking for it.  

Yeah, what the fuck was that?  After calling for the death of a Sudanese woman, Liberal Democrat councillor Salah al Bandar was cleared of any wrongdoing, cause you know those Muslims and their fatwas…

Nahla Mahmoud – the fatwa victim – has been advised by police that her best legal recourse would be to stop existing, because it angers Muslims.      

Well, she does have a vagina…

Man sentenced to 10 months for vicious bacon attack: http://freethinker.co.uk/2013/09/18/mosque-attacked-with-bacon-scottish-man-receives-a-10-month-jail-sentence-for-offending-muslims/

In left-wing conspiracy news, our teams of gay stoner fetus killers have successfully altered global thermodynamics as planned . . . but Pastor Kevin Swanson of Colorado is onto us.

Drats!

He cites marijuana, abortion, and (quote) “decadent homosexual activity” – I guess dudes are eating dark chocolate mousse while they fuck – Those things are the underlying cause of Colorado’s worst year for fire and floods.  

Man… if I’d known there was dark chocolate mousse I might have been gay.

Liberals in his state are indeed conducting a powerful new dark ritual, involving marijuana, gay sex, and fetal sacrifice.  Our operatives get high, have extraordinarily decadent butt sex, and then murder the resulting embryo . . . (A butt embryo, no less) And because of a weird loophole in cosmic law (other than butt sex leading to embryos), this magically forces God to flood wealthy conservative enclaves like Colorado Springs and John Galt’s impossible valley.

Yeah… butt sex causes forest fires.  I love that this vision of climatology is perfectly acceptable but the idea that CO2 is causing a greenhouse effect is ludicrous .

But despite his stint as a climate change denier, it looks like the ignorant hate theory isn’t so ignorant this time.  It’s just a well-informed hate theory.  It’s just hate.  Which means on this particular day, Swanson will not gain any ground on Jerry Falwell in the prestigious ignorant hate speech standings.   

Nobody beats the king… except Pat Robertson.

Denver is the new Sodom: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/kevin-swanson-blames-colorado-floods-decadent-homosexual-activity-marijuana-and-abortion-rig and also… http://truth-out.org/buzzflash/commentary/item/18209-decadent-homosexual-activity-marijuana-and-abortion-caused-colorado-floods-talk-radio-minister-charges-denying-global-warming

And finally tonight, in “Hey, it’s German… You’re lucky nobody’s shitting on anybody” news tonight, a group of German churches have teamed up to offer “erotic” sermons.  In an effort to combat the sexually repressive reputation the church was unfairly saddled with after millenia of repressing sex, two Protestant churches in Dresden, Germany have announced a series of sexually charged sermons in the coming months.

And you’re positive nobody’s shitting on anybody?  Not even a bronze shower in some shit-laden holy water?    

Program organizer Rudolf Renner hopes that the program can help people see that homosexuality isn’t a sin, because it’s in the bible.  Because being in the bible makes something okay.  So basically they’re conceding that homosexuality is at least as moral as things like slavery, rape, incest, bestiality, genocide, infanticide and animal sacrifice.

Alright, 30 seconds on the clock: Titles for the new Spermin’ German sermons.

  • Dong of Solomon

  • Ezekiel in the Valley of the Dry Humps… or no, wait… valley of the wet bones.

  • The Burden of Blow Job: Carrying the Load

  • Moses Parting the Pink C

  • Jonah and the Sperm Whale – What? That’s technically a jizz joke.

  • Noah’s Arcing Ropes of Jism

  • Okay that’s a better jizz joke . . . I’m coming from behind now . . . Titus: Tying up Loose Ends

  • The Cautionary Tale: Moses and his burning bush.

  • The Roman Bondage Sermon: Nailing Jesus.

German churches to offer “erotic” sermons: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/20/german-churches-erotic-sermons-sexuality-gay_n_3956958.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Sexualizing the death of their savior.  Now that’s what I call ending on a high note.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back we’ll ask what the fuck all those orthodox jews in the corner are doing.

Calendar

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the time we set aside once a month to bring you up to speed on all the great atheist, secular and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world.

And damn do we have a full slate in October.  We’re gonna start in Charlotte, North Carolina when the “Carolina Secular Conference” is going to be welcoming Margaret Downey, author and activist Katherine Stewart, Shelley Segal, and a lot more.  That’s going on over the weekend of October 4th, it’s reasonably priced and should be a blast.

http://www.carolinassecularconference.org/

A week and a coast away we’ve got Sacramento’s 12th annual Freethought Day on October 12th.  Huge festival featuring Richard Carrier, Greta Christina, Annie Laurie Gaylor, friend of the show Tom Beasley and a ton of others.  One day, great lineup, damn I wish I was gonna be there, hopefully you can go in my stead.

http://freethoughtday.org/

But not all great conferences happen is awesome states.  Some of them also happen in Ohio.  For example, the 2013 “Sexy Secular” Conference in Akron on the 19th of October.  This one has practically every awesome speaker I just mentioned with the addition of Aron Ra and the incomparable Dr. Darrel Ray http://sexysecularconference.com/

And three quickies to round things off.  On the weekend of October 26th we’ve got the Kentucky Freethought Convention with Annie Laurie Gaylor, Hemant Mehta, Jamila Bey and more.   http://www.kyfreethoughtconvention.com/ A little further south we’ve got “Reason in the Rock” in Little Rock, Arkansas with Dan Barker, Matt Dillahunty, Jerry DeWitt, Zack Kopplin and friends.  http://reasonintherock.org/

And finally because I know we’ve got at least a couple of listeners in the Netherlands, the 26th of October is also the start of the Skeptic’s Congress in… a city.  Sorry, don’t speak Dutch so I couldn’t figure out anything except the country where it’s taking place and the date.  But if you’re interested, you’ll find a link to this event and all the others we’ve discussed on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

10/26 Skeptic’s Congress in the Netherlands: http://www.skepsis.nl/congres2013.html

And of course, if you’re involved with a conference that needs a free plug, you’ll find all the contact info on that very same website.

Top Ten

In a religion renowned for pointless and crappy holidays, Sukkot stands out as possibly the single most baffling celebration on the Jewish calendar.  This is a holiday celebrated by sitting in booths, shaking palm fronds at god and being generally miserable.

So to help our listeners and ourselves better understand this ancestral absurdity, Noah and I will be answering the top ten most asked questions about Sukkot in a segment we like to call…

“How the Hell is this a Holiday?”

1) What does Sukkot mean?

Sukkot is the plural form of Sukkah.

2) Okay, smart-ass, so what the hell does Sukkah mean?

It means a shitty little temporary hut.  So literally translated, the holiday is called, “Shitty Little Huts”.

3) How do Jews celebrate Sukkot?

The same way toll booth operators celebrate Tuesday.  They sit in little booths all day.  They erect a little shed and then spend time in that shed.  Because god.  Or something.

And they wave palm fronds.  That part is apparently really important, otherwise passersby might forget to reflect on how stupid their religion is.

4) Why the hell would anyone do that?

When you’re chosen by god, for the sweet-ass life of a Jewish person, you don’t ask questions.  Since I clearly wasn’t chosen, I looked it up.  Following a labor dispute, Jewish people spent 40 years living in makeshift desert dwellings northeast of Egypt.  Not sure what makes anyone think that ever stopped after 40 years though.              

5) But desert dwellers didn’t live in booths.  They lived in tents.  So what the fuck?

Well, like all things described in the bible, Sukkot predates the bible.  Not sure why people have so much trouble with the “if the bible describes it, it didn’t inspire it” rule, but they do.  Despite later attempts to shoehorn Sukkot into the Exodus narrative, it’s widely believed that it originated with farmers sleeping in booths in their fields during the harvest.

6) Do all Jews live in booths during Sukkot?

No.  Sukkot was once considered the holiest of all celebrations, but it lost some of it’s luster when humans invented heat and the humane treatment of animals.

And Judaism in general lost some luster when humans invented scientific explanations for stuff.  

These days most jews don’t bother with the booths, though some families eat their meals in their rickety hovels and some hardcore Hebrews still sleep in them overnight.

7) So how did they celebrate back when they lived in booths?

They killed a lot of animals.  And that’s a lot of animals for templic Jews.  Back in the Jews’ animal slaughtering heyday this was the bloodiest of all Hebrew celebrations and all Hebrew celebrations were pretty damn bloody back then.

8) What’s up with the palm fronds?

Fucked if I know.

9) Why do Jewish holidays always suck?

Pretty much every event in Judaism’s history is bloodier than Edward Scissorhands botching an octo-mom abortion, but you’ve gotta celebrate something, right?

10) Can non-Jews celebrate Sukkot?

Yes, but not according to the Torah you have to wait until after the end of the world.  Scripture says that after the apocalypse, even the Goyim will celebrate Sukkot and get their very own booths.

And you thought the apocalypse was gonna suck.

Bible Story

“Run get the young ‘uns folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons Bible Stories for kids”

Today we’re gonna open our bibles up and meet one of the few women in the bible important enough to have names, Miriam.  In this story we’re going to learn all about why we should love god and the pitiless vengeance that’s in store for us if we don’t.

Once upon a time there was a Cushite named Miriam and she married a nice Jewish boy named Aaron.  They lived a happy simple life until one day Aaron’s brother Moses showed up and told her husband that they had to go to Egypt to rescue all the Hebrews.

Miriam and Aaron were skeptical but they did what Moses said because Moses was an unhinged murderer.  And because they were loyal to god.

So they packed up all their stuff and grabbed their kids and left with Moses so that god could mercilessly torture Egyptians after rescinding their free will.  So after god got finished turning all their water to blood, covering them with festering sores, filling their towns with bugs and frogs and murdering the oldest kid in every family, he lets the pharaoh let the Jews go so that they could all wander miserably through a desert for decades.

And Miriam and Aaron didn’t like the plan at all because wandering around in the wilderness and eating flavorless crap for years and years wasn’t very fun.  But they did what they were told because they didn’t want to die.  And because they were loyal to god.

Now, because their sons were related to Moses, god liked them more than he liked everyone else, so he decided to make her sons priests.  That meant that they didn’t have to do any work and everyone else had to pay for their food and all they had to do was kill animals, slit open their stomachs, take out all their guts, drain their blood, splash it around and set them on fire.

But one day her sons tried to see what god looked like, so he burned all their skin off their bones and killed them.  And Miriam and Aaron were very sad, but they didn’t say anything because they didn’t want their flesh burned away.  And because they were loyal to god.

So they spent most of their lives wandering in the wilderness, not having a home or a comfortable bed or pets or any of their favorite foods or the ability to decide for themselves what to do.  It was so bad that practically all the Jews wished that they were still Egyptian slaves because at least then they weren’t always starving and thirsty.

And then one day Aaron and Miriam complained and said, “hey, maybe wandering in the wilderness until we all die isn’t a very good idea at all.”

Now, this made god very, very angry.  So angry that he gave Miriam a horrible disease called leprosy that caused her skin to rot and fall off so that you could see her guts and bones.  And Moses and Aaron begged god to take away the horrible disease but he wouldn’t.  And because being in horrible pain and having to watch your own flesh rot away isn’t bad enough, god also made all the other Jews shun her so nobody would talk to her or take care of her or bring her food and water for seven days.  Because after blindly devoting her life to Moses’ every whim, she was disloyal for a few minutes once.

And nobody lived happily ever after.

The end.

Outro

Before we drop anchor tonight I wanted to give everybody a quick update on the perpetually postponed merch I keep promising.  We’re still making a few minor tweaks to the new logo.  Hopefully that’ll all be done this weekend so we’ve got our fingers crossed that by episode 33 we’ll have some shwag available for you.

I also wanted to let everybody know that I’m pretty much constantly looking for Farnsworth quotes at the last minute, so if you’ve got a blog, a Facebook page, a podcast or any other atheist outreach vehicle that you want us to plug, let me know.  I’d be happy to give you some on-air love in exchange for a brief audio clip of you quoting everybody’s favorite 31st century scientist.

I also wanted to congratulate Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for being the first team to best me this year in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists.  I want to congratulate him not so much on the win, which he clearly doesn’t deserve, but rather in finding a way to successfully cheat at Fantasy Football in a league that I commission, as my team is far too awesome to be defeated by normal human means.  Well played, Cecil.

As always, I can’t close this thing out without thanking Heath for everything he does, which is a lot; I need to thank the lovely Lucinda for gracing us with her dulcet tones tonight, I need to thank Shane from Calgary for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and while we’re at it, I want to thank all those filthy monkey men we evolved from.  Way to naturally select.

But most of all I need to thank this week’s best people, Beth, Russell and Robert.  Beth, whose resourcefulness, brilliance and cunning will be recognized by our would-be alien overlord a little too late; Russell who boasts both the strength to arm-wrestle lions and the compassion to occasionally let them win and Robert who has never demolished a building with his gargantuan and mighty penis, only because he’s never needed to.

These three brave, gracious and genetically superior examples of humanity have distinguished themselves this week by giving us money.  Only the most discerning, respectable and attractive people have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you belong in the pantheon, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And remember, we make a lot of jokes about it, but all kidding aside, giving us money really does cure cancer.

And if you want to help us out but not if it costs money, you can also help us out by leaving us a review on iTunes or telling a friend or 6 about the show.  And if 30 minutes a week of blasphemy just isn’t enough, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on You-Tube and favorite us on Stitcher.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 30 – Partial Transcript

September 12, 2013 10 comments

(note: Transcript may contain parts that were edited out of the final episode due to time restraints)

Sponsor

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of creationist-friendly grocery stores “Ray Comfort Foods”, where the vegetables are guaranteed to be divinely created in their present form, the canned goods are 100% abiogenesis free and there’s plenty of Jesus in our cheeses.

So shop at Ray Comfort Foods, because creationists do what they’re told.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s September 12th and it’s the 12th anniversary of Heath’s first 9-11 joke.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from sardonic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll be compassionate enough to cut the story with all the childrens’ cancer jokes

  • We’ll discover that there are levels of evil Pat Robertson can reach that would still surprise you,

  • And Christian homophobes create a Christian version of something that was Christian to begin with.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

I was twelve years old and my mom was talking to a couple of friends of hers about where they were when they learned that Kennedy got shot.  One of the friends admitted that she couldn’t actually recall where she was and that freaked my mom right the fuck out.  How could she not remember that moment?

Now, psychologists will tell you these so-called “flashpoint” memories are just as unreliable as most of our other memories, but I didn’t know that at the time and neither did my mom.  It was simply unthinkable in her mind that somebody could have forgotten that moment.  And that was simply unthinkable to me.  I couldn’t comprehend of an event so potent that you’d be surprised when somebody failed to recall it precisely a quarter of a century later.

And I continued to not comprehend that for another thirteen years.

It’s damn hard to say that there was a silver lining to 9/11.  I’ll have enough respect not to rank it on a scale of tragedy, but it was the most horrible example of humanity that I’ve ever had to witness.  The emotional reaction that so many of us shared that day can’t be explained rationally.  That colossal mix of anger, fear and impotence isn’t something I’d ever like to revisit.

But if there was a phoenix that rose from the ashes that day, it was the new-atheist movement.  The four horsemen all cite the 9/11 attacks as the impetus to their vocal opposition to religion.  Throughout the 90s we’d all been force fed the immutable dictum of cultural tolerance so faith was off limits.  Sure, there were still plenty of atheists and there were still plenty of people bitching about the evils of religion, but after 9/11 those people were suddenly on TV.  They were writing best sellers.  They were suddenly being listened to.  They had been right all along and it took a few airplanes crashing into a few buildings on live television for a lot of people to realize that.

Of course, references to 9/11 have fallen out of favor in the atheist movement.  It’s become fashionable to rise above that type of rhetoric.  I’ve seen a number of prominent atheists vehemently disavow the popular meme that reminds us that science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings, or the one that shows the twin towers standing stalwart above the words “Imagine no Religion”.

The platitude a la mode would tell us that the number of religious people who have flown airplanes into buildings is sufficiently eclipsed by the number of religious people who haven’t flown airplanes into buildings.  It would be too simplistic to say “religion did it”, wouldn’t it?  There were far more things contributing to the rationale of the suicide bombers on 9/11 than just the six dozen hotties they were about to deflower.  So you can’t blame religion, can you?

And there’s a lot there that I’ll agree with.  I’ll agree that the overwhelming majority of believers aren’t suicide bombers.  And I’ll agree that it’s more complex than “religion did it”.  And I’ll agree that there were other contributing factors.  And even granting all that, I’ll still blame the shit out of religion.

Here’s the thing: convincing somebody to blow their self up is trickier than you think.  Without divulging any of the details of why I know that, consider the most gullible person you know and ask yourself if you think you could convince them that blowing their self up would earn them a trip to a virgin-laden paradise.  Tough, huh?  Now imagine you had to do it without using religion.

No one person can do that.  It would take indoctrination from birth.  It would take total control of what the victim learned, what they read, what they watched.  It would take institutions to make somebody believe anything so patently counterintuitive.

And it just so happens that we have institutions that were designed for exactly that purpose.  Modern day religious apologists are fond of telling us that the religion of today is nothing like the barbaric faith at it’s roots and that’s true to a certain extent in certain parts of the world at certain times, but that doesn’t change the fact that the vehicle they’re driving was designed to make people do what they were told to do, even, nay especially, when it went against their own best interest.

If you take out the poverty or the nationalism or the charismatic recruiter, you could still get probably round up 19 guys willing to kill in the name of god.  But if you take out the god your task becomes damn near impossible.

So call it hyperbolic if you want.  I say if there was any lesson we could extract from that tragedy it’s that religious zealotry isn’t something we can afford to tolerate.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is cleverly introduced Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to participate in pre-headline banter?

Witty response, Noah.

Laughter, fading to witty retort, Heath.

Laughter indeed, Noah.  I think I’ll exercise my optional additional witty rebuttal here, at which point you’ll probably add a rejoinde-

Rejoinder ending in half-ass segue.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has recalled its ambassador to the Dominican Republic amid allegations of being a naughty, naughty nuncio.  Archbishop Josef Wesolowski was yanked off his post for getting his post yanked off and then winding up in the yankee post.

“Pope Franky Cranky About Wesolowski Lanky Crank Yanky Spanky Hanky Panky”  

Surprised you didn’t get “skanky” in there.  Rumors of the archbishop’s frisky business first arose in the Dominican press a few weeks ago and the ambassador was whisked away before you could say “official investigation”… or at least, before Dominican Attorney General Francisco Dominguez Brito could say “official investigation”.

We atheist podcasters could be foiled so easily, by clergy just not raping kids.  We’d lose a big chunk of material there . . .

So if the intrinsic value of not raping kids isn’t enough, they should consider the strategic value.  And as much as it would hurt our stellar ratings, I’d give away all this fame and podcast fortune,

if the church dialed down the rape even just a little.  

Sounds fair to me.  But instead, in yet another concerted effort to undercut their own “we-really-mean-it-this-time” charade, the Vatican has moved quickly and decisively to protect an Archbishop from prosecution for sex crimes AGAIN.  With the ink on his new “get tough on child rapists” legislation still drying, Pope Sweet Frans-vestite winds up in the delicate position of explaining that when he said “get tough” he didn’t mean tough as in “subject to the same minimal legal standards as the rest of the world”.

When a senior official of an institution is caught covering up decades of child rape, there IS a classy way to handle it.  And I think Joe Paterno showed us that classy way . . . And in case that was too subtle . . . I’m saying take a cue from Joe Pa and go die quickly.

Wesolowski, who was nomadic even for a child-raping Catholic official, had previously served in Africa, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and Denmark.  But I’m sure he only started fucking kids in the DR.

Yeah lots of people don’t develop those kid-rapey instincts until later in life.  Much like scotch, cock is an acquired taste.  Best to start with ten-year-olds, then maybe move your way up to twelve and fifteen.  Twenty-one isn’t worth the extra money.         

And I know that officially I’m supposed to call him “alleged child rapist” or whatever, but fuck that and fuck him.  The Vatican is going to make damn sure he’s only ever “alleged” child rapist so I’m gonna go ahead and call an unprecedented abrupt removal from a diplomatic post that exactly coincides with the opening of a sex-crimes investigation an admission of guilt and say this dude is a dirty child fucker.  And if he doesn’t like it, he can come and get me.  He’ll find me in a neutral nation with friendly extradition treaties with the Dominican Republic.

Do you think the court cases against these guys ever get settled by the victims raping them back.  Like a “brown eye for a brown eye” type of deal?

Vatican withdraws Dominican ambassador quick before he has to face charges of child sex abuse: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/catholic-church-relieves-its-ambassador-in-dominican-republic-amid-official-investigation/2013/09/04/8dd3e8e0-15c6-11e3-961c-f22d3aaf19ab_story.html

And in “Not all the stories can be as light hearted as that last one” news tonight, a Bangladeshi court has indicted four atheist bloggers on charges of not properly cupping Mohammed’s balls and saying things that hurt Allah’s feelings.  Because apparently Allah is a sissy god and can’t smite these dudes on his own.

Are there a lot of Bangladeshi citizens reading atheist blogs and Reddit posts all day, trying to really hash out their true feelings on the origins of the universe?  Is that what they do between state-mandated early morning Muslim prayer, and state-mandated later early morning Muslim prayer?

Despite the Vonnegutian nature of arresting people for insulting a fictional character, the (air quote) “assailants” are facing as much as 14 years in prison after at least one of them already faced a brutal assassination attempt.

If you get 14 years for epistemological whistle blowing, what’s the penalty for attempted brutal assassination?

The indictments you were asking for, apparently.

This is like if Edward Snowden found out the CIA was spending millions of tax dollars to track Santa Claus throughout the Arctic . . .

And also chasing Carmen Sandiego from Berlin down to Belize.  

I’d like to think we wouldn’t have jail time and water boards on the table in that situation.     

Before moving on to any more of the details, I’d just like to say that I make a lot of jokes about how backwards and fucked up the US judicial system is, but all things considered, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of ‘Murica and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under whoever the fuck I’ve gotta say to not spend 14 years in prison, so help us baby-Jesus, Amen.

The accused, whose names I won’t butcher out of respect, have already spent three months in prison and are currently free on bail after pleading not guilty.

Prosecution by the Ministry of Silly Walks would be far less ridiculous.

4 Bangladeshi Bloggers indicted for being atheist bloggers: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/bangladesh-court-indicts-4-bloggers-for-allegedly-posting-derogatory-comments-about-islam/2013/09/08/8b05423c-1876-11e3-80ac-96205cacb45a_story.html?

And from the “It turns out there actually were worse things we could’ve done in Rwanda than nothing” file tonight, blathering idiot and perpetual first runner up in the crypt-keeper lookalike competition Pat Robertson is working hard to remind everyone that he’s not just a crazy, ranting, superstitious, senile old bigot; he’s also evil.

First place must have gone to Lisa Robin Kelly from “That 70’s Show”?

Well, …now.

But even slightly pre-mortem.  And for those listeners playing in celebrity death pool fantasy leagues, she was 43 years old, so that’s 57 points for the predictably departed meth enthusiast, in standard formats.  

And from celebrity death pool back to celebrity death-monger, a documentary titled “Mission Congo” recently premiered at the Toronto film festival and apparently it details how Pat Robertson used the suffering of the Rwandan people to perpetuate a scam almost as reprehensible as the whole Jesus thing.

It’s hard to tell who cured more cholera and dissentary in the refugee camps, because Doctors Without Borders was there at the same time as Pat Robertson’s preachers.  That’s lots of doctors and lots of bibles, so . . . who’s to say?  

According to filmmakers David Turner and Lara Zizic, it might be fewer bibles than you think.  Robertson consistently exaggerated, distorted and misrepresented the extent of his charity’s work in Rwanda and used these lies and deceptions to bring in hundreds of millions of dollars, a very small percent of which actually wound up helping anyone but Pat Robertson.

It’s about now I’d normally compare him to a Bond villain, or a Die Hard villain . . .

But Pat Robertson is SO MUCH WORSE, because he’s actually a real person doing this shit in reality.  He raised money from gullible rednecks in the American south, to finance bullshit humanitarian aid to Rwandan refugee camps, but actually diverted the planes to service his secret blood diamond company!!!  All he’s missing is a disfiguring scar, and conspicuous red doomsday button that says DO NOT PRESS.   

If anybody’s out there investing in “rapture button” technology…

And just to fit the bad guy stereotype perfectly, and get a three week timeshare on Secret Bad Guy Island, his covert African diamond mining company is owned through those “offshore accounts” they always use.  I never understood those.  Is the money hidden in the ocean?  Why does offshore mean we can’t find these banks?  Yes it’s offshore, but we all still know where Bermuda is.  

Robertson denies these allegations and if you can’t trust the guy who said last week that gay people in San Francisco have secret rings with AIDS needles so they can infect straight people when they shake their fucking hands, congratulations, your brain still works.

Obviously a hoax . . . And if Pat Robertson had ever been to San Francisco, he would know that real gay people in San Francisco don’t shake hands . . . they dick bump.  

Yeah but to be fair, the ring idea would work for that, too.

Pat Robertson accused of fraud: http://www.theguardian.com/film/2013/sep/05/mission-congo-pat-robertson-aid-rwanda

And protecting the rights of children to be stupid this week is the Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area who are fighting for the right of their children to be the most undereducated in the Florida public school system.

Muslims and Christians love to compete … I guess “Dumbest Kids in Florida” is a fitting battle for those two groups.  We’re really talking about “Dumbest Adults in Florida” aren’t we?  And that’s a competitive category.  This is a state that was governed for eight years by a guy named Jeb.  

This story revolves around a letter being circulated by said society that twists the shit out of Florida law to make schools think they’re under some obligation to let kids out of school whenever god tells them to.  Titled “Religious Observance Early Dismissal Request Form”, the letter misrepresents several laws in an effort to excuse Muslim kids from school at 12:30pm to pray during a special holiday… called Friday.

What are we even talking about?  How disruptive could it be for the three Muslim students in all of Florida to leave early on Friday?

And, as the group points out, education obviously isn’t as important as everyone makes it up to be or they couldn’t get away with the grammatically dubious moniker “Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area”.

This whole thing is suspicious though. Muslim families in Florida?!?  There’s no normal Muslim family stubborn enough to settle in Florida.  These are obviously deep sleeper cells.

Tampa Islamic group wants kids released early once a week to pray: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/islamic-society-of-tampa-bay-area-wants-schools-to-let-muslim-students-leave-class-hours-early-every-week/

And from the “Equal Opportunity Inequality” file tonight, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is begging for forgiveness from Jesus and people who really exist this week after sending out a controversial email that encouraged her congregation to try to look less black.

As in more Barack, less Michelle?  Colored but not too colored?

No, Barack is still too black for her.  The email in question actually said that the church should work to put it’s best foot forward and make sure that the people greeting parishioners on Sunday morning should only be the best people, by which she meant the white people.  And don’t let the caucasian sounding name fool you, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is a sista.

I’d like to read a quote I made up, from the email:

“Our white workers will be at the front, and our workers of color will have a separate, but equally important job in the back of the house, much like a restaurant staff.”

Can’t imagine how that stirred up any trouble.

And while there is something of a silver lining in the realization that a black woman can hate the coloreds as well as any white man, I think we can all agree that it’s important that we continue to allow blacks in North Carolina to greet people outside of churches.  Otherwise they’ll have nothing at all to do on election day.

Black Pastor apologized for insisting that only white people should greet parishioners: http://www.christianpost.com/news/im-sorry-pastor-begs-diverse-congregations-forgiveness-for-only-white-people-email-on-sunday-104106/

And in “We’ll just start our own universe and it’ll be way better than yours” news tonight the ongoing attempt to create a fully realized parallel reality for Christian children is one step closer to fruition this week with the announcement of the new queer-hatin’ alternative to the Boy Scouts, Trail Life USA.

The Brokeback Mountaineer issue strikes again.

Joining Christian versions of theme parks, museums, music, science, television, wikipedia, schools and Floridian Courthouses, this latest attempt to inculcate children with a Truman Show like inability to recognize that gays don’t have hooves and bifurcated tails is, of course, a response to the Boy Scouts recent partial backpedaling of it’s long standing official policy of demonizing an innocent segment of society.

Nothing says “The Boy Scouts of America no longer officially hates gays enough” . . . than starting your own all-male tent pitching squad.  

Scheduled for official launch on precisely the day that the Boy Scouts start letting the homos in, Trail Life USA promises to be (quote) “stronger, safer and more principled in every way” and co-founder and head redneck John Stemberger went out of his way to use hairy testicled phrases like “masculine outdoor program” when describing the program and how totally heterosexual it will be.

I think as a country, we’re pumping out more than enough homophobic outdoorsmen, without any additional youth outreach programs.  There’s an entire homophobic outdoorsmen genre on television.  We have an entire swath of this country that is clever enough to see the amazing rhyme potential of hatin’ queers and lovin’ steers, but fails to see the irony of preferring livestock anus to human male anus.

New Alternative to Boy Scouts for queer-hatin’ rednecks: http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-values-based-alternative-to-boy-scouts-launched-104009/

And finally tonight, in felonious coconut news, a delinquent drupe was detained by detectives in the Maldives last week under suspicions that the tropical fruit was possessed by an evil wizard who intended to use the dark coconut arts to influence an upcoming election.

I’m not sure how we could possibly mock religion here, but you were saying “evil coconut wizard” . . . go ahead.

The story begins, as magical coconut stories often do, when a concerned citizen noticed the suspicious brown orb outside a local school that was designated as an upcoming polling station.

Can a brown orb that is – in fact – a coconut, be suspicious in a country that has palm trees and coconuts everywhere?

Well, either it was noteworthy or this weird ass is just taken to closely examining the scattered fruits he comes across  One way of the other, he noticed that a Koranic verse was etched into it, meaning it could only be the work of a malicious sorcerer.

Or maybe one of the 100% of citizens that are Muslim, have Korans lying around, and have easy access to brown orbs.      

He contacted authorities who inexplicably did not tell him to fuck off and instead investigated the coconut and according to the terminology in every news report we could dig up, the coconut was… arrested.

Textbook profiling of an infidel spy.  Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

A local wizard was summoned by the police to determine the exact mystical properties of the suspect and to counteract its evil powers.  Because apparently Maldivians are idiots.  And before we get a bunch of emails about it, yes, Maldivian is the correct demonym.

And yes, “idiots” meaning “stupid people that believe in voodoo coconut election fraud” . . .   

And I can’t believe we didn’t mention this yet, but how does election fraud make any fucking difference in a theocracy?!?  

Fraudulent by definition.

Curse-carrying coconut arrested in the Maldives: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/a-coconut-is-messing-up-this-countrys-elections/

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks again for joining me.

And when we come back, we’ll be doing that bit you were really looking forward to.

Song

 

For the sake of your survival, you should really read the bible,

It’s the only moral guide you’ll ever need;

Think you found a contradiction? You must suffer some affliction,

Cause there ain’t no fucking fiction there to read.

For the sake of your salvation, believe in Biblical creation,

Learn these Jewish incantations, learn them well.

Why go through life just guessin’, when the bible teaches lessons,

Like the fabrics you can dress in; to bypass hell.

Well… God wrote that he wrote it.  Inside that’s clearly noted.

Just ask yourself, why would he lie?

God said that he said it.  Don’t you ever forget it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

For the sake of your society, you really should try piety,

It cloaks your improprieties, we swear.

We’ll accept your sinful vices, and my only real advice is,

If you put your life in Christ, you’re in the clear.

Don’t forget the basics, like the fact that god’s a racist,

And it’s okay if you’re a rapist, if you pay.

If you’ve committed genocide, it’s possibly justified,

If god hates the folks who died, it’s all okay.

The most immoral bastard, gets forgiven if he ask for,

A quick favor from his master in a jam.

What’s that? You’re no believer? Then gimme that book and leave, sir.

And if I seem a little eager; it’s cause I am.

After all…

God insists he insists it.  I’m not sure how you missed it.

Don’t see how that’s difficult to buy.

God revealed he revealed it, so I figured that sealed it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

God claimed that he claimed it.  All this time he’s maintained it.

You keep debatin’, but I don’t know why.

God declared he declares it, and he swore that he swears it,

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

 

Feedback

Now it’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the show where we hope other people will write funny shit that we’ll tangentially get credit for and act as though we have some kind of expertise or special knowledge that qualifies us to answer questions.

So our first email comes from Milton in New Jersey City and he asks:

When is it okay to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?

Any time after 3pm and all day Sunday

And to clarify, any time is OKAY.  I think he means, “When is it BEST to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?”

Right.  And I think it’s worth noting that Heath and I have pretty lax personal “Go fuck yourself” thresholds even for New Yorkers so I’m saying it’s okay any time you’re saying to yourself, “I’m done talking to this Christian and I have no interest in eventually having sex with them.”

Our next comment comes from the blog.  Ken loves the show but offered a not-exactly-correction to our story in episode 29 about the Salvation Army attending a South African Porn Convention to (quote) “be available”.

Ken points out that the Salvation Army often goes to these types of events to be available for potential victims of sex trafficking and abuse, which, we didn’t mention because we were busy making apartheid dick jokes.

And it’s probably a good thing that we didn’t know about that angle.  We clearly would have made sex slave rape jokes that were way worse than mere apartheid dick jokes.  

Also, I don’t recommend using our notoriously dick-joke-laden headlines segment as a single source news program.

Our next email comes to us all the way from wherever Brandon is from.  And Brandon writes us to ask what he can do about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that keep showing up at his door.

Hm… great question.  My first thought on this one requires a wheelbarrow, a holocaust cloak and Andre the Giant but he’s dead so that won’t work.

“Do I want some literature about Jesus?  No.  But do you want some weed?”

I find that wearing nothing but a necktie when you come to the door works with varying levels of success depending on what you tie it around.

Sometimes I like to lower a basket down from the second floor window, and yell “It puts the propaganda in the basket!!!”  Then they get the hose regardless.  

Okay, so here’s my serious answer.  I say you invite ‘em in, get ‘em a drink and let them give you the whole spiel for their little cult.  But the whole time have this episode playing on the stereo in the background.  Make sure it’s loud enough that they can hear it the whole time, but not loud enough to drown them out.

Until you reach this part.  And then you turn it up really loud so that they know that you’ve been fucking with them the whole time and delaying them from spreading their filthy virus to anyone else while you made them listen to the Bible song.  And if they’re still in the room they can hear me tell them to go fuck themselves while they’re gathering up all their Jesus stuff.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more questions.

You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Outro

Before we lock it up for the night I wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s show.  If you were looking for the interview I did on the A Matter of Doubt Podcast and were surprised to discover that I was actually ex-Jehovah’s Witness Kenny Wyland, that’s because I fucked up the episode number.  I said episode 54, but it was actually episode 56 that you wanted.  Not that episode 54 didn’t kick ass or anything, I just wasn’t on it.

http://www.amatterofdoubt.com/podcasts/ep-56-noah-lugeons-the-scathing-atheist/

And if you were looking for the live broadcast I did on CWebb’s Sunday School, well, sorry about that, too.  An hour after I published the episode I learned that the time had been pushed back from 5 to 4:30.  Sorry if you missed it live; it was a fun panel discussion on the biblical prophecies surrounding the destruction of Damascus.  It’s on CWebb’s archives now if you’d like to catch up.  You’ll find a link in the shownotes, of course.

http://cwebbssundayschool.com/bonus-the-end-is-near-or-is-it/

And because I’m apparently a total podcast whore, you’ll also be able to catch me on the extremely funny Imaginary Friend Show with Jake Farr-Wharton in the next few days.  I believe the episode will be up this weekend and as soon as I know the date, I’ll be posting it on our Facebook page, our blog and our Twitter feed, all of which you should probably follow just in case.

Can’t close the show without thanking Heath for everything he does to make this show have Heath in it.  I also need to thank Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for providing this week’s embellished Farnsworth quote.  He’s a rising star in the podcast community and if you check his show out you’ll find out why.  Can’t recommend it enough if you haven’t heard him already.  And if you’re presently kicking yourself for that oversight, calm down, you’ll find a link to his show in the show notes for this episode.

http://www.herdmentalitypodcast.com/

I also need to thank Heath’s roommate for our kick ass new logo.  We’ll be setting up a Cafe Press site this week if you’re dying to get a customized Scathing Atheist T-Shirt, coffee mug, iPhone cover, whatever.  That stuff should be available no later than Sunday so there’s plenty of time to do all your Jesus-Day shopping right there.

And lastly, of course, I need to thank this week’s most shining examples of humanity, Kevin, Richard, Brian, Andrew and Magnus.  Kevin, who once defeated the devil himself in arm-wrestling and scrabble at the same time, with the same hand; Richard, a man whose bravery and intelligence redefines redefinition; Brian, who shall rescue humanity in it’s darkest hour atop his mighty steed, Poof the Fabulous Dragon; Andrew whose army of robot spiders and amazon love warriors are the envy of supervillains everywhere; and Magnus whose name is so fucking cool that I don’t have to add any imaginative descriptors to increase the perception of his awesomeness.

These five noble philanthropists have conquered the final task in their path to glorification by giving us money.  Not everyone has the gallantry, luminosity and sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but you only love us as a friend, you can also show your appreciation and help us out a ton by swinging over to iTunes and leaving us a glowing review.  We really appreciate everybody who takes the time to stroke our ego and help our iTunes ranking.  You can also help us out by telling your friends about the show or sharing an episode on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.

Oh, and listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 29 – Partial Transcript

September 5, 2013 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript may contain parts that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints)

Sponsor

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Holy Bowlers, because god gives a shit what’s on your head.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro

It’s Thursday, It’s September 5th and do you think Ben Tate is worth a flex start?  I’ve got Lacy but he’s a rookie… going against the niners… Hsss….

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from prematurely autumnal New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode:

  • We’ll find Jesus and it’ll turn out he was at the South African Sexpo just like we thought,

  • We’ll correct all the stuff we fucked up last week,

  • And the New England Patriots will cancel the next season of wounded duck dynasty.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

I may not be telling you anything you don’t already know, but I’m an asshole.

This isn’t just an act I do for the show or anything, I’m a genuine asshole in real life as well.  And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty damn good at it.

Sometimes I do freelance asshole work.  If I’m at a restaurant and somebody’s giving their server shit, I’ll be an asshole on that server’s behalf.  Same goes for people in front of me in line that give the cashier shit over prices that he has nothing to do with.  Or twenty year olds that won’t get up for an old woman on the subway.  Sometimes I use my asshole for the powers of good.

And other times I just can’t help it.

I’ll give you an example.  Last week I was celebrating a certain co-host’s most recent complete solar circumnavigation with a group of friends.  There’s a dozen of us crammed into a small room, herbally supplementing our recreation.  As often happens in these situations you end up with three or four little conversations going on in everyone’s earshot.

Heath and I are discussing draft strategy for an upcoming fantasy football league but across the room I hear a mutual friend of ours discussing the cleanse he’s on.  He’s detoxifying, you see.  He’s clearing his body of environmental poisons.  With juice.  And vitamins.

And I tell myself that it’s not a good time to unleash the asshole.  The asshole should remain dormant.  Because even though he’s over there telling some poor girl that he’s eating acai berries because the antioxidants clear his bloodstream of industrial toxins, we’re all friends here.

So here I am, consciously not being an asshole.  Consciously not saying a word.  And this is nothing new.  At least a dozen times a day I’m in an elevator or a restaurant or a line or at a friend’s house or at work and I’m listening to somebody expound on the virtues of an herbal supplement.  Or their acupuncturist.  Or their astrologer.  Or their priest.  And I reign in the asshole and I bite my tongue til it bleeds and I bitch to my poor wife or I write a diatribe.

Heath and I continue to talk PPR strategy and I try to filter out the pseudo-scientific bullshit wafting across the room at me.  I pretend that I didn’t notice that he just said that the next phase of his cleanse will clear the toxins from his fucking spine.

I know this guy and we’ve been friends for a long time.  Hell, he’s the guy that introduced me to Heath.  So I gave him a lot more leeway than I would normally give.  I’ve tried to reason with him in the past when I saw him buying Airborne before a business trip.  But it never matters what I tell him.  He takes Airborne when he’s not sick and he continues to not be sick, so damn it, it works no matter what science says.

So I was going to let it go.  And then he said something about sickness being 80% mental.  And then the poor girl he was babbling at said, “Really?”  And I couldn’t help myself.

“No,” I interjected, “Not really.”  Because at a certain point my brain ignores the social instinct and says that when people are spreading demonstrably false medical information correcting that is more important than being polite.  So I was an asshole.  And I was just enough of an asshole to make my point without permanently alienating our friendship, because like I said, I’m good at the asshole thing.

And that’s the bit that far too few people realize.  It’s okay to be an asshole, as long as you’re good at it.  It would be damn easy for an amateur asshole to fuck that situation all up.  If you end up with nothing more than a nice guy saying X and an asshole saying Y you’re probably doing more harm than good.  You’ve got to be a convincing asshole and part of that is making sure you know more about what you’re talking about than the person you’re being an asshole to.

Like everything in life, if you want to do it well, you need to put in the work.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen an atheist or a skeptic blow his lid and call somebody out on a bullshit claim only to lose an argument and come off looking not just like an asshole, but a stupid asshole.  And a stupid asshole that made the idiot spouting the bullshit look right.

When you put yourself out there, you’re painting a target on your own back so if you’re not ready to deal with what comes, you’re better off holding your tongue.  If you’re not thick skinned enough to dismiss all the nasty shit people might say about your mom, don’t bother.  And if you’re not ready to rationally defend the challenges that are coming, you’re not ready to be the asshole.

And that’s fine.  Some people are good at it and some people aren’t and we’re damn fortunate that all the atheists in the movement haven’t achieved my level of comfort with it.  I’d never suggest to anyone that they be an asshole.  Sometimes you’re better off leaving it to the professionals.  But I would suggest that when you see a good asshole in action, back off and let them do their thing.  Much of the time they’re being an asshole so you don’t have to.

There’s an interesting postscript to the story, by the way.  Later in the evening I was chatting privately with the victim of my friend’s medical lecture and she thanked me for interjecting.  She said she’d been looking for a way out of the conversation and she didn’t want to be rude.  So I saved her some social embarrassment, I saved my friend from being berated by a second rate asshole and I saved the assembled crowd from GNC medical advice.  The masked asshole strikes again.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is a nearly-translucent white person just returning from California, Heath Enwright.  Heath, how’s that melanoma you’ve been working on?

We don’t like the term white . . . We prefer pig-mentally challenged.  And for the record, I’m part white, part whatever group I’m mocking.  If I wasn’t part everything, lots of these things I say would be offensive.    

And we can’t have that.  Before we get started with headlines tonight, I owe our listeners an apology and a retraction.  Our lead story last week was a mish-mash of incomplete research and complete nonsense.  We got duped by a bullshit story on a bullshit site that doesn’t seem to recognize that satire doesn’t really count as satire if it’s not funny and just twists actual facts to create a realistic sounding bullshit story that makes a couple of innocent podcasters look like dumbasses.

…or at least the one who vets the stories.

I’d like to defend us by pointing out that there were dozens of way more reputable sources than us that made the same mistake, but that doesn’t forgive us our due diligence as kind of news reporters.  So for the record, it is not illegal to report sex abuse in Vatican city.  It’s just illegal to disclose existing reports of sexual abuse.

And in our lead story tonight, it’s illegal to disclose existing reports of child sexual abuse in Vatican City.  Because let’s face it, even if our story last week was wrong, this is still really fucked up.

So if you got your raping in before the big deadline, you’re fine.  But any new raping could be reported.  Basically, rape was grandfathered in.  They’re not gonna hold “existing rapists” accountable, because – well – rape was like cigarettes and racism a few decades ago.  Nobody knew it was bad, and it seemed like a victimless crime.      

So here’s the actual story:

This all stems from some judicial tinkering Pope Francin’ With the Stars did in early July.  It slightly increased the punishments for sex abuse and added a law against child pornography, which was apparently legal in Vatican City up until this past Monday.

To be clear: Former allegations of sex abuse do count as “official documents” and thus the Pope did make it illegal to disseminate allegations of sex abuse, so despite the bullshit source we fucked up and used last week, the story was frighteningly close to true.

“Why should a priest get into trouble for something that already happened?  The Vatican is a forward-thinking institution.  We don’t dwell on the past.  How can we protect the as-yet-unraped, if we keep worrying about the already-raped?  We want to meet you half way on this.  So our proposed compromise, is that we punish half the rapists.  The second half.  All the future rapists.”

Pope “updates” the law: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/10174076/Pope-Francis-toughens-up-Vatican-laws-on-child-sex-abuse.html

And in lighter news tonight we turn to Syria, where incredibly horrible shit is happening in a frighteningly plausible prelude to World War Three.  And damn are the Christians excited.

“Can’t wait to try out all our new RC airplanes!!!  . . .  It’s like Christmas morning.”

Their ebullience goes beyond their affinity for the Air Hogs of war, though.  There are also a few biblical references to the destruction of Damascus as a precursor to the end times, most notably Isaiah 17:1 “Behold, Damascus will cease to be a city and will become a heap of ruins.”

Now to be fair, the majority of American Christian groups are voicing opposition to military intervention in Syria citing their conscientious objection to agreeing with Obama, but there are also plenty of Left Behind-ophiles salivating about the possibility of all of us infidels being tormented in hell on earth.

I’ll agree to eternal damnation if the Damascus bombing does indeed bring about the second coming of Jesus.  But it’s gotta be an actual bet.  They have to have a downside.  So when we bomb it, and nothing good happens, except 2 million dead Syrians, then the entire bible gets retracted, and I don’t hear another word about debunked prophecy books ever again.    

I don’t know.  I mean, back when they predicted that at some unspecified point in the future, Damascus would cease to be a city, what are the odds that it would come true given a theoretically infinite timeline?

Yeah it’s 2013.  Bible heads are just now noticing the possibility that this city in the Middle East might experience some physical damage?!?  This particular conflict is their first whiff of unrest in the otherwise peaceful co-occupation of the triple-claimed holy land by historically harmonious tribes like the Jews, Christians, and Muslims?!?

Christians try to tie Syrian conflict to biblical prophecy: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/08/27/commentary-keep-doomsday-religion-out-of-the-syrian-conflict/

And in other “Holy Shit are there more important things to spend money on right now” news, Orthodox Jews in Israel are demanding beard friendly gas masks in preparation for the end times.

“Yeah, and could we also get ones that are just always running in case the Syrians gas us on a Saturday?”

Complaining that existing gas masks are ineffective on people with divinely dictated scraggly facial pubes, the Orthodox Shas party is demanding that Netanyahu order mass production of hooded gas masks that can accommodate the traditional facial hair of the group of people that refuse to do any military service in Israel.

If Israel finds your community … “a little too Jewy” … it might be time to find a new homeland.  And I absolutely don’t mean Brooklyn, New York.  

Failing to realize that if god wanted them to not die of weaponized poison he would have let them shave their beards, Orthodox Jew Meir Green noted that if the masks are needed, (quote) “there won’t be time to shave”.

And in a moment of panic like that, how do you decide between torturous death from sarin gas and willfully ignoring the twenty-seventh part of Leviticus?

Orthodox Jews demand beard-friendly gasmasks: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/28/beard-friendly-bardas-gas_n_3831273.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in other “Bursting with Stupid” news tonight, a frothing idiot warns that with DOMA out of the way, there’s nothing to stop lesbian couples from tricking gay men into siring their children and becoming a subservient underclass of lesbian slave-gimps.

So they’re saying that back in the good old days when DOMA applied, we were able to guarantee that it was only heterosexual couples using gays as slave-gimps?!?

In one of the most impressive cases of “not getting it” ever confirmed by science, David Usher of the Center for Marriage Policy published a recent op-ed lamenting the fate of gay men under the new DOMA-less legal landscape.

Who’s gonna look after the well-being of gays, if not Christian political lobbyists?

Usher claims that somehow gay men will be tricked into having sex with lesbians through what he calls “reproductive entrapment” and then get stuck paying child support as un-consenting fathers, economically enslaved to lesbian couples.  Because first of all, this guy thinks lesbian couples won’t be able to find heterosexual men that would fuck them, and secondly, he thinks lesbian couples would be able to find homosexual men that would fuck them.

He goes on to explain that lesbians will drain the public coffers by suckling on the big government teat, cause you know how lesbians are about suckling on teats.

This needs to be stopped.  Tax revenues aren’t enough as over-population gets worse, and clearly the gays and lesbians are the problem.  

…and the abortions and condoms.

Frothing idiot warns that lesbians will trick gay men into being subservient underclass: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/center-marriage-policy-worries-lesbians-will-trick-gay-men-fathering-their-children-and-beco

And turning now to a state that’s progressive policies will never make up for the fact that the Patriots suck lemur nuts, a Massachusetts court has agreed to hear a challenge to the inclusion of the words “under god” in the pledge of allegiance.

In fairness, I’m sure that pledge prevents a lot of horrific treasonous activity.  I mean just the other day, I was going to fire a shoulder-mounted stinger missile at some infidel aircraft, but then I said to myself, hold on . . . I know rationally that this jihad makes sense . . . but I’m feeling this almost subconscious allegiance . . .

This is the latest in a long string of legal attempts to eradicate those words from an otherwise still kind of creepy statement of mandatory nationalism.

Yeah if you take the “under god” part out, it’s still creepy to make every kid stand up and do the whole “Heil Hegemony!” thing.  

I always felt like I was in the Cobra Kai Dojo … “No fear!  No mercy!  Pre-emptive strikes! Beat up the vaguely ethnic tannish kid!”

The American Humanist Association seems confident that this suit can succeed where so many have failed before.  Suing on behalf of an anonymous atheist couple, the lawsuit takes a slightly different tack than previous challenges.  Rather than arguing that the references to the almighty in the pledge are a violation of church, state separation, the AHA is arguing that the daily recitations are a violation of their guarantee of equal protection.

Not that we should have to attack this issue at some tricky angle, but ‘things that are stupid’ will tend to violate several different laws, including the one that ended slavery.  

Massachusetts court to hear challenge against pledge of allegiance: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/08/30/mass-supreme-court-to-hear-challenge-to-pledge-of-allegiance/

And in “Stupidity was already legal” news tonight, we turn to the mecca of fatuity, the nerve center of nincompoopery, the haven of half-witted, Alabama, where State Speaker Mike Hubbard is pushing a petition that would legalize prayer.  And breathing.

Hard to believe bad legislation is an issue, in the birthplace of the Confederate States.  

We’re talking about a state with an average IQ that’s in the top 90%.  

For the Alabaman listener, who probably didn’t get that, you’re 45th out of 50 . . .

Comfortably removed from dead last.  

You’ll recall us discussing the failed attempt by Cullman County Superintendent Billy Coleman to start a state endorsed “Prayer Caravan” for Alabama schools back in episode 24.  The FFRF objected and the school board quickly divorced itself from the Superintendent’s plans and pretended that the fact that it was listed on the School Board’s website wasn’t an official endorsement.

And just because the FFRF is made up of godless Jew lawyers, doesn’t mean they’re wrong.  

I’d point out the logical fallacy at play here, but Alabamans seem to think “ad hominem attack” means lynching another gay.

There is, of course, ample evidence for those who accuse the House Speaker of completely missing the fucking point.  In his defense, Hubbard is rumored to be working on a second petition that would protect his right to completely miss the fucking point.

So basically, the FFRF said, “Stop shitting in the middle of the sidewalk.  And also stop using public resources to organize a bunch of kids shitting in the middle of the sidewalk.”  And Alabama responded with a petition to prevent radical liberals from stealing their toilets.

Spot on analogy.

Alabama republicans file for preemptive strike in the “war on prayer”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/08/29/alabama-house-republicans-launch-completely-unnecessary-petition-against-fictional-war-on-prayer/

And finally tonight, from the “Who Would Jesus Do?” file, we turn to one one of the many nations that boasts an accent that Leonardo DiCaprio has proven himself incapable of convincingly mimicking, South Africa, where an upcoming sex expo is set to feature pole dancing, stripshows, porn stars and proselytizing Christians from the Salvation Army.

The bell ringers are gonna have some competition.  People can only stick their money in so many slots.

Spokeswoman Carin Holmes said, (quote) “If Jesus Christ was on earth today, he would be standing beside us at Sexpo,” failing to address how he would manage to obscure his awkward robe stiffy.

After coming again that recently, he’d be okay for 15 minutes or so.

Holmes explained that the group was not there to condemn anyone or to lecture anyone.  In a choice of words that betrays at least a subconscious desire to get a mention on this show, she said they were there to (quote) “be available”.

How is “being available” at a porn convention in Johannesburg helping the poor?  

“Lethal Weapon 2” villains with satyriasis, should not be at the top of the humanitarian aid list.     

Yeah, I gotta be honest, when I realized I was giving you a headline that had this much apartheid Christian dick joke potential, I started getting pretty excited.

Half stock?

At least.

Speaking of which … can black dildos and white dildos be sold in the same sex shop in South Africa?

Under apartheid, were black porn stars required to use the “rear entrance” on the set?

And for the record, I don’t picture lots of racists in S&M gear exclaiming, “I’m sure glad these church people made themselves available!” … unless it was to test the less consensual gear.   

Nice… finally found a use for Christian missionaries.

Christians at South African Sex Expo “If Jesus was alive, he’d be here too” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/28/salvation-army-sexpo_n_3829911.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion

And on that note we’ll close out the headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Glad to be here.

And when we come back the music bed will fade out and we’ll do a different bit.

Apologetics

From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a few minutes to discuss some of the common apologetics used in defense of theism.  Heath, what ridiculous stretch of the imagination are we gonna tackle today?

Tonight we’ll be talking about one of the most common apologetics in the theistic quiver, the argument from design.

Alright, so what’s the crux of this argument?

It’s simple.  We live in a world that appears to be designed and thus it must have a designer.

Well that falls apart as soon as you start to define your terms.  How do we know what a “designed world” looks like?

We live in one.

But that would make it a circular argument.  Unless we can compare designed and undesigned worlds, there’s no way to determine whether this world has the characteristics of design.

Not so fast.  We may not know what designed worlds look like, but we know what designed watches look like.

Sure, but what does that have to do with anything?

Watches don’t just spring into existence.  They need watchmakers.  And if you think about it, watches are pretty much just little universes.

They are not.

Think about all the things they have in common.  They both have moving parts, they both use… geometry, they both have… time… they’re both designed by intelligent creators…

But watches have a clearly discernable purpose.  They have no superfluous parts.  From everything we can tell they’re nothing like universes.

I can see why you’re not getting it.  We’re being too macro.  Maybe it would help to think of something a little easier to wrap your head around.  Consider the kangaroo.

Okay.

I think we can both agree that kangaroos clearly have a designer.

No we can’t.  I don’t agree with that at all.

Well, like watches, they have a clear purpose and no superfluous parts.

Kangaroos have a clear purpose?

Obviously.

And that is?

Hopping.

I don’t… how do you… how do you know that’s a kangaroo’s purpose?

It hops.

But that doesn’t mean that it’s purpose is hopping.

Have you ever seen a watch hop?

Of course not.

I rest my case.

I don’t think you do, though.

Alright.  I’m probably still being a little too macro for you.  Let’s consider something small enough to hold in your hand.  Consider the banana.

Okay.

Now you may disagree with me on universes and kangaroos, but obviously we can both agree that bananas have a clear purpose and no superfluous parts.

And what’s the banana’s purpose, exactly?

Well now you’re just being obtuse.  It’s clearly designed to be eaten by humans on the go.

And I suppose we know that because humans don’t eat kangaroos on the go?

Or universes.  But there’s more.  If you study a well made banana you’ll notice that on the far side there’s three ridges and on the near side there are two ridges, making it a perfect fit for the human hand.  It also has a non-slip surface, it has a pull tab at the top, it’s easy to digest, it even curves towards your face… when you turn it toward your face.  The rest of the time, of course, it curves away from your face.  This all works a little too perfectly, doesn’t it?  That’s at least as much as watches have going for them.

Look, watches don’t reproduce.  They don’t have a genetic code.  They don’t mutate.  Bananas are derived from a fruit that was nothing like the modern day banana until humans started selectively breeding them.  If anything, ancient farmers designed the modern banana.

Clearly I’m still being too macro.  Consider peanut butter.

No.

Okay, how about the human eye?  There’s something that’s clearly too complex to have come into existence without an intelligent designer.

Human eyes are upside down and backwards.  They have a blind spot right in the middle of them, they only see in a narrow spectrum, our night vision sucks and nearly two thirds of all humans need glasses.  How the hell is that intelligently designed?

(pause) Why can’t we do peanut butter?  I had a Christian canned answer, or canswer, about peanut butter ready to go.

It doesn’t matter what you use.  Until we can satisfactorily define what it means to “look designed” you can’t convincingly argue that anything looks designed.

But consider the math.  The odds that human beings would evolve in their present form are exactly the same as the odds of a tornado sweeping through a junkyard and putting together a Boeing 747 with all the parts.

That’s not true, is it?

No.

Yeah, because… tornados can’t weld.

Or tighten bolts, right.  But just because it isn’t true doesn’t mean I can’t assert it.

Well… sure, you can assert anything.

Exactly.  And that’s the strength of the argument from design.  I can say whatever the fuck I want and it doesn’t have to be true for the words to come out.

So if apologists don’t care if what they say is true… or even makes any logical sense, how should an atheist deal with the argument from design?

Well, when you’re dealing with somebody who’s willing to invoke the tornadic aeronautic engineer analogy, the “you’re too stupid to refute” defense is always viable, as is the lesser used “fuck off and die defense”.

Right, but those don’t really count as refutations per se, do they?

No.  If you really want to stop the argument from design in its tracks, you can always appeal to the most potent counter-apologetic known to humankind.

Which is?

The “Gay Dragon” defense.

Never heard of it.

Few have, despite its unrivalled ability to diffuse 90% of all apologetic tactics.

Alright, you’ve got my attention.

It goes like this:

Premise one: If the argument you’re offering for the existence of god, can also be used to prove the existence of gay dragons, it’s worthless.

Premise two: It can.

Conclusion: Fuck off.

Okay, I think I see where you’re going here, but perhaps it would help if we saw the gay dragon defense in action.

Sure.  Consider a common subset of the Argument from Design called the “Fine Tuning argument”.  In this apologetic, the theist asserts that the universe is fine tuned to allow life to exist.  Therefore there must be a fine tuner.  Therefore there must be a gay dragon.

How so?

Every time a gay dragon has been observed in nature, it has been observed fine tuning a universe.

So… that’s zero observations I’m guessing?

Exactly equal to the number of observations of gods fine tuning universes.

Got it.  So how does the gay dragon approach apply to some of these other forms of the design argument?

Let’s return to that banana.

By all means.

Consider how useful a banana would be to a gay dragon who was pleasuring itself.  It’s the perfect shape for some dragon assplay, it’s soft enough to fit but firm enough to feel, and it even has a wrapper so that the dragon can have a nice snack afterwards without risking diphtheria.

Wow…

Oh, there’s more.  Think about all the cocksucking practice a gay dragon could get with a banana.

Okay.

And that’s saying nothing about how good a banana feels when you smash it up and smear it between your…

Alright, alright, I get it.

Are you sure?  Because I wasn’t gonna say ass cheeks.

It doesn’t matter.  I think we can all see how this argument would quickly shut down an apologist.

Can we talk about the peanut butter now?

I’d rather not.  But thanks for the lesson.

My pleasure.

Outro

Before we wrangle out the door tonight, I needed to make a few more corrections.  I swear, last week’s episode was so full of errors one could be forgiven for thinking we wrote the bulk of it shitfaced after celebrating a birthday until 3 in the morning.

So the first apology goes out to MIKE Dunlap at MIKE Dunlap photography (dot) com.  He was kind enough to provide last week’s Farnsworth quote only for me to fuck shit all up, elongate his first name and misidentify his website as “Michael Dunlap Photography” when it is most definitely “Mike Dunlap Photography (dot) com” because he’s Mike.

http://mikedunlapphotography.com/

And from accidentally elongating a name to accidentally shortening one, I’d like to apologize to Steven as well, who I misidentified as “Steve” when I was thanking last week’s most exceptional humans.  I also misidentified “Steve” as “Other Steve” so this error clearly snowballed out of control and nearly derailed the entire episode.  I hope that Steven, Steve, Mike and all the listeners confused by this apology can all forgive me.

I also wanted to warn you that we’re gonna be changing our logo this week so don’t be surprised if next week the cover art looks way cooler and way less like I spent 6 minutes fucking around on MS paint.  We should also have some merch available next week as well.  Keep up with us on the blog and Facebook for word on that if you’d like a chance to be the first human being to own a Scathing Atheist T-Shirt.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  If you haven’t checked it out already, be sure to check out episode 54 of the “A Matter of Doubt” podcast.  Steve invited me on to share a few personal stories about my path towards atheist activism.  It was a really fun conversation and, of course, I’ll have the link on the show notes for this episode.

http://www.amatterofdoubt.com/?p=628

And if that’s not enough, you can also catch me on CWebb’s Sunday School this week. He’ll be livestreaming the taping at 5pm Eastern Time this Saturday and you’ll find that link on our Facebook page, our Twitter feed and our blog.  If you miss the livestream, I’ll also link to the archive as soon as it’s available.  We’ll be discussing the situation in Syria and all the crazy little bible prophecies that Christians are trying to shoehorn into it so that should be a lot of fun.

I also need to throw some thanks to some very deserving folks.  Need to thank Heath as always for bringing so much to the table each week.  I also need to thank Mark Nebo over at Be Secular (dot) org.  It’s a great website that reinforces the secular community and tries to widen the umbrella of secular values.  He’s doing great work and his effort are definitely worth your support.  Be sure to check him out at Be Secular (dot) org and if that’s too much to remember at the moment, check the shownotes and you’ll find him there as well.

http://besecular.com/

Also need to thank everyone who sends us encouraging emails and messages, especially the folks who help us out by sending in news items and stuff for the calendar segment.  It’s a huge help and we really appreciate it.

But most of all we need to thank this week’s most admirable members of the animal kingdom, Kenneth, Max, Steven, Duncan, April and John.  The ferocity of your generosity against the monstrosity of religiosity and it’s atrocities gives velocity to my animosity and leaves me at a paucity of words so I’ll simply say thank you Kenneth, Max, Steven, Duncan, April and John.

And if you, too, would like to be the subject of lavish and possibly poetic praise while simultaneously helping Heath and I purchase the finer things in life like food and shelter, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help us out but you’ve taken a vow of unemployment, you can also help us for free my liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter or leaving us a glowing review on iTunes.  Oh, and some Christian rectal wart has nothing better to do with his time than go through our YouTube channel and give all the videos a thumbs down, so if you’d like to counteract him a bit, we’d sure appreciate it.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 28: Partial Transcript

August 29, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some elements deleted from the final episode due to time constraints)

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of designer chainmail armor for children, Josh Kosh B’Gosh.  So when there’s an army of genocidal jews circling silently at the city gates, make sure your children are dressed in the coolest new sword-proof, fire-proof, hailstone-proof, machine washable armor.

Josh Kosh B’Gosh, because god hates you and you’re going to die.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro

It’s Thursday, it’s August 29th, and atheists do it with larger, evolutionarily superior genitalia.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons, and from well-hung New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • The Pope raises eyebrows with his “Don’t tell, don’t tell” policy on sex abuse,

  • A high school in Indonesia will consider a new virgin-fingering policy,

  • And Lucinda will join us to talk divine land reapportionment,

But first, the Diatribe

Diatribe

If you ever want to feel really old, take somebody who’s diaper you once changed and watch them change their kid’s diaper.

My wife had the opportunity to do just that last week when she flew down to Georgia to meet her niece’s brand new baby girl.  She doesn’t get to see her family often so our six year old nephew spent most of the week clinging to her leg in one manner or another.

So one night she’s hanging out with him and he’s looking for excuses to not go to bed.  He’s got a bunch of planets on his walls so he starts asking her “which planet is that?”, “which one is that?”  Before long she’s got her laptop fired up and she’s showing him Cassini pictures and Voyager images and closeups of coronal mass ejections and he’s eating it up.  She shows him the Hubble Deep Field image and his eyes just linger in unchecked amazement when she tells him that every point of light he sees is another galaxy with billions or even trillions of stars.

It takes him a second to even think how to respond.  And when he does, the question he chooses is heartbreaking.

“How many miles is it to heaven?”

If I had been there I might have accidentally ruined the next six Thanksgivings by saying something like “Heaven is from religion.  These pictures are from reality.”  But Lucinda is a bit more diplomatic than me so she answered it as well as it could be answered:

“We’ve seen billions of light years away from earth but we haven’t seen heaven.”

That’s a pretty good answer, I guess, if the goal is not alienating your family.  But it’s still a sad damn shame that she had to settle for that.  And it’s a damn shame that at the age of six this kid’s natural curiosity is already being stifled by a ridiculously antiquated view of the universe.  Even at six he’s encountering things that can’t be made to fit into the biblical worldview.  He has to work harder to get to the right answer because he has to weave his way through bullshit to get there.

But the world is already pretty damn hard to wrap your head around at six.  It’s a lot harder when you’ve got to reconcile the Adam and Eve myth with the existence of dinosaurs… and recessive genes; when you’ve got to develop a grand unified theory of history that’s two parts history and one part Jewish revenge porn; when you have to stop in the middle of an astronomy lesson to figure out where heaven is.

Think back to your own childhood and you can probably come up with a memory where you were trying to pound the square peg of religion into the round hole of reality.  Christians love to defend their little fairy tales by telling us they’re allegories.  But when they pull that shit, ask them if they make that clear to their children.  If they don’t start out the story by saying “Here’s a fairy tale about Jesus” when they’re telling it to their kids then it’s only an allegory when you get too smart to believe it’s true.  And that doesn’t fucking count.

The saddest thing is that this kid’s mother isn’t even particularly religious; she doesn’t go to church, I’ve never seen her pray and she’s certainly read less of the bible in her lifetime than I’ve read this week, but still she’s religious enough to hamstring her son’s education.  It’s not deliberate, of course; she just believes that religion is good for her kid because people with every reason to lie say so.

Don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of more reprehensible forms of child abuse that take place in the name of religion.  Even if you set aside the sexual and physical abuse that religion is used to justify you still have the wide spectrum of psychological abuses from tormenting kids with images of hell to confusing the shit out of them with prehistoric notions of sexual morality.  But there’s something about taking a steaming shit on a child’s curiosity that really pisses me off.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow tenable stance junky Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to discuss several more ways religion was stupid and indefensible in the news this week?

When you live and die for a math textbook that says two plus two is five, you manage to get all sorts of other wrong answers too.  Sometimes your Big Brother is dumb, and shitty at math.   

Yeah, all that 1 equals 3 shit was a dead give away.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has finally taken a decisive move to ensure a radical decrease in allegations of sex crimes against the clergy: they made reporting those crimes illegal.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just give all the priests vasectomies? . . .

Cut off the DNA evidence problem at the source.  

Or just ban the word “No” in the Vatican so there’s never technically a consent issue . . .

Or like I’ve said before, Catholics could just stop having children . . .  

But to be fair, those altar boys are asking for it, the way they wear those robes.  

…all clingy and shit.  So there were already plenty of rumors swirling when word came down that Pope Frankie Valli was “bringing the Vatican legal system up to date” by criminalizing leaks of official information at the same time that he was formalizing the laws about sex crimes.  Turns out one law ensures that allegations of sex crimes are confidential and the other makes it illegal to disperse confidential information.

There’s no such thing as a private allegation.  That doesn’t exists.  That’s just a person thinking to themself, “I’m kinda mad about getting raped.”

Vatican foreign minister Monsignor Dominique Mamberti actually had the audacity to pretend that they were all really disheartened when they learned that they accidentally made it illegal to report sex abuse.  He said, and before reading the quote I think I should emphasize that this is actually a real quote (quote) “It’s quite a papal pickle that His Holiness has placed upon our heads.”

It’s time for “Tip of the Mitre, Wag of the Pickle.”

Wasn’t it placing pickles in people’s heads that started this whole problem?

Head scratching behavior, probably because of all the crabs.  

Look, if I wanted somebody to find that sausage, I wouldn’t have hidden it in the first place!

When in Rome . . . don’t be surprised to get an unsolicited Roman helmet.  

And for those listeners who aren’t familiar with this terminology, when I say Roman Helmet, I’m suggesting the Pope would straddle you backwards and rest his balls over your eyes, and the shaft over your nose, thus resembling a Roman helmet.  

They’re actually acting like this was an accident.  First of all, the pope’s infallible so you’re fucked right there.  But secondly what kind of bullshit 4-year-old-with-a-cookie defense is that?  “Whoops!  Did we just insulated ourselves against prosecution and international embarrassment? Shucks, I suppose we could undo it with the wave of a crosier, but we’re not.  Our bad.”

Pope criminalizes the reporting of sex crimes: http://www.newslo.com/pope-criminalizes-the-reporting-of-sex-crimes/

And from the “Unconsciously regulate your endocrine levels if you saw that coming” file tonight, a recent measles outbreak in Texas has been traced back to an anti-vaccination mega-church.

Pastor, faith-healer and sentient excrement Kenneth Copeland of the Eagle Mountain International Church in North Texas is a vocal proponent of the thoroughly debunked, discredited, disproven, disparaged and disgraced notion that the MMR vaccine causes autism, a theory so indefensible it might as well be biblical.

First of all, there’s absolutely nothing INTERNATIONAL about North Texas.  Absurd title for the church, or anything else in that region.    

So the church finally decided to base an opinion on a scientific study, and the doctor whose study they went with was Andrew FUCKING Wakefield?!?  Dr. Dre and Dr. Mario have more respect in the medical community.

When the inevitable outbreak of fully preventable childhood disease struck, the church sent out a rapid fire series of excuses ranging from “The CDC is secretly infecting people with measles to discredit us” to “measles aren’t that bad, now are they?”

“What had happened is . . . We sent out a pamphlet with the measles-preventing prayer, but there was a typo on one of the important magic words, so everyone was saying it wrong.  Plus there was a shortage of unicorn hair this year, so lot’s of people never even got their wands.”  

And as much as I’d love to say that anybody who gets measles after taking medical advice from a used-snakeoil salesman deserved it, the problem with the anti-vax crowd is that the victims are the communities that surround these idiots, not to mention their own children.

Someone needs to sneak into these people’s bedrooms and inject HIV into their stupid, deserving mouths.  

I hear you can pray that out just like measles.

Measles outbreak at anti-vaccination church: http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2013/08/theres_a_measles_outbreak_at_v.php

And in “Criminal Possession of Reason” news tonight, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that California atheist Barry Hazle Jr. is owed some compensatory damages after being sent to jail for not believing in god.  And yes, that’s pretty much exactly what happened.

Dude’s name has too many syllables to become an atheist protest mantra.  

“FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!  FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!” … Doesn’t work.   

No it doesn’t.  So this unchantable assailant served a brief jail term for a minor drug offense and, upon release he’s ordered to participate in an addiction recovery program.  Of course, it’s one of those 12 step “put your faith in a higher power” programs.  Hazle, to his credit, actually attended the programs, but he requested a secular alternative.  The court told him to fuck off.

Yeah, god forbid you sober up through empirically tested means.  No, seriously, god forbids that.

Can’t kick the habit without bad metaphysics.

And judging from the estimates of AA’s success rate, you can’t kick the habit with ‘em either.  So anyway, after staff at the 12 step program reported that he was being disruptive in (quote) “a congenial way”, he was taken out of the program and sentenced to a further 100 days in jail.  In addition he was denied access to Go and the customary two hundred dollars.

Being disruptive in “a congenial way” ? . . . He was probably telling really good jokes, and even the staff started laughing when they shouldn’t.  Listen, if you send an atheist stoner to an NA meeting, he’s gonna make sarcastic comments.  It’s impossible not to.  Rehab for minor drug offenses … and God, are ridiculous notions.  If we don’t mock you there, we could actually burst into flame.  

Anything’s possible.  So of course he sued the state and of course he won, but he was awarded zero dollars in damages by a jury of his peers because apparently his peers are a bunch of Christian, blowhard assholes.  The judge threw out the non-award and set about empaneling a new jury with fewer weasle turds on it.

That’s how the awards process works?  Isn’t that … stupid?  Why not award him NEGATIVE TEN THOUSAND dollars?

Atheist parolee sent back to prison for complaining about the religiosity of Narc Anon: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/23/appeals-court-calif-atheist-parolee-entitled-to-compensation-for-constitutional/

And from the “They Meant Freedom of My Religion” file, some Christians in Kansas are going apeshit over a religious display in a school.  But not because it’s a religious display in a school.  That’s okay.  The problem here is that they used the wrong religion.

The display in question was a banner with five images of pillars that read “The Five Pillars of Islam” and that sounds pretty damning when you don’t know the details.

And Christians are all about not knowing the details.  But out of context, you’ve gotta admit, vertical pillar-like shapes are pretty offensive.  Those five pillars could be used to perform two and half crucifictions.  Kids are supposed to just ignore that fact?!?

The story began when somebody snapped a picture of the banner and posted it on Facebook with the caption “this is a school that has banned all forms of Christian prayer.  This cannot stand”.  And with the penchant for fact checking that we’ve come to expect from angry, meme-spreading Christians, this shit went as viral as Miley’s vagina.

She had to eventually get herpes.  Anyone sired by a grown man with 2 first names and a rat tail….  

I can’t imagine how herpes could survive in that thing.

Quick 2 point reality check: Number one, this school, along with all other schools in the fucking country, doesn’t “ban all forms of Christian prayer”, they just ban the ones where kids are forced to go along.  And number two, acknowledging that religion exists in a school isn’t against the law.  It’s the part where you start pushing it on kids as though it was true that we have laws against.

You might have lost their attention between the word reality and the word check.  These are people who are offended by visual reminders of “things that exist”.

Christians go apeshit over Islam display in a local school: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/wp/2013/08/22/kansas-school-surrenders-to-ignorance-removes-islam-display/

And finally tonight in “I guess you can’t just Saran Wrap your vagina, can you?” news, a school in Sumatra has proposed a virginity test for all their female students.

What a great job . . . virginity tester . . .

“Did she pass?”  “Nope.”  “Wait anal? . . . Hold on . . . Another minute . . . Also no.”

“What about her?”  “Nope.  Next!”

They pretty much never pass – I’m a tough grader.   

Education chief Muhammad Rasyid proposed the idea that he describes as (quote) “an accurate way to protect children from prostitution and free sex.”

Wait… prostitution and free sex?  If there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s paid sex.  And if there’s another thing we don’t want, it’s unpaid sex?  

Can’t prove your virginity without taking a cock . . . Can’t take a cock without losing your virginity.  Seems like a regular “Snatch 22”.  

So setting aside for a second the fact that there’s no actual way to test a woman for virginity, how fucked up does your brain have to be to think that the best way to protect women from prostitution is denying an education the sexually active teenage ones?

Indonesian school proposes virginity test: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/aug/21/virginity-tests-female-students-indonesia

Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll recount a biblical massacre or thirty one.

Joshua, in Rhyme

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, that genocidal idol,

The baddest motherfucker that we’ve met yet in the bible.

He’s like a biblical Batman, if Batman killed babies.

Imagine if you gave Wolverine adamantium rabies.

 

This badass says “chop off your foreskin” and people actually do.

He’s like a Jedi in that his story isn’t factually true,

Like Superman he’s invincible and he wins every battle;

But unlike the man of steel, he kills the women and cattle.

 

He’s like the Hulk but with Thor’s hammer and a magical ark.

The sun needs his permission before it’s allowed to get dark;

Like a bronze age Jackie-Chan, he even kicks ass with dumb shit,

Like his notorious chorus of nuclear trumpets.

 

He’s the Bible’s Bruce Lee but with triple the skill;

He never met an innocent bystander that he didn’t kill.

With a swipe of his sword he could knock the wings off a gnat;

He could take out all four ninja turtles and that mutated rat.

 

As you learn about this guys, it’s not hard to conclude;

That Chuck Norris impregnated the Dos Equis dude.

He’s admirable and loveable and strong and heroic,

As long as you haven’t updated your morals since the paleozoic.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, Moses finally died,

So you could have the position that so long you had eyed.

You served bravely as Vice Jew but the time’s come alas,

After too many decades of kissing god’s ass,

 

To take the baton and lead this army of Jews,

After all, there are Canaanites in need of abuse.

You served god well by scouting and then not being honest;

So you’ll lead the Hebrews to the land that god promised.

 

Your ambitions are grand, your intentions extortionate;

So with your god-given powers of land reapportionment;

You’ll be crossing a river but you won’t need a float;

When God’s done with that shit, you’d have to carry your boat.

 

Where to go? Jericho.  I hear they’ve got hookers.

You promised not to kill Rahab and she’s quite a looker.

You might as well since you’re killing all the gentile chicks,

And there’s no way those Jewish princesses are sucking your dick.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, how your legend ascends,

The way you massacre, exterminate and ethnically cleanse,

You’re the bravest, the strongest and usually the smartest,

Except when dealing with Gibeons… those fucking con-artists.

 

Hanging kings, burning villages, your army sets forth,

From Achan to Ai then continuing north.

Killing children to show what a shit you don’t give;

But showing occasional mercy by letting animals live.

 

With the slightest of setbacks, your conquest succeeds,

Ensuring that millions will boast of your deeds.

You’re a legend, a lion, a genuine stud;

They took your milk and your honey and you took their blood.

Babble

Ah, Joshua, the redundant geography lesson of the Old Testament.  Half exaltation of genocide, half property auction listing, this book has all the intrigue of GPS directions, all the civility of YouTube comments and all the morality of a Nuremberg indictment.

So to help me sort through the fallen bodies, I’m joined by my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

And of course, not having actually gone anywhere since we recorded the headlines segment is Heath.  Heath, thanks for not having left while you had the chance.

So basically the book of Joshua describes the glorious war crimes that Joshua committed in order to fulfill god’s belated promises of land.

Yeah because it’s not like god could just divinely create more land for the Jews that wasn’t full of people they’d need to kill.  What, did he run out of milk and honey or something?

Look, I already made you guys a promised land.  It’s right there.  Milk, honey, vineyards, the whole nine… you just need to fumigate.

And fumigate they do.  So let’s just dive in, shall we?

  1. Upon Moses’ death, God passes the torch to Joshua, which is kind of like Lord Vader putting you in command of the fleet.

    1. God says “You are invincible.  Nobody can defeat you.  But don’t forget to be brave”… how brave can an invincible person really be?

  • Good headline here: “Son of Nun Supports the Habit”

  1. In chapter 2 Joshua sends a couple of spies across the Jordan.  They were just about to start scouting the land when they decided to fuck some whores instead.

  • Joshua says to his spies, “Go check out Jericho.”

“Dude that’s perfect, that whorehouse is right on the way … In N Out Fur Burger.  We’re clearly stopping.  Jericho should be a pushover.”

Then the King of Jericho finds out Joshua sent spies … “Get that slut Rahab on the phone and tell her to be on the lookout for penises that are horribly mangled by primitive foreskin removal.”

Little did the king know, the crafty tribe had conveniently forgot about that rule for a few decades.  More on that later.

  • Apparently everyone in Jericho keeps up with TV news, or saw “The Ten Commandments”, and they thought the Red Sea thing was badass, so they’re scared of the Jews and their apparent ties to a god with cool powers.

  1. In chapter 3 Joshua feels like he has to prove himself to be truly Mosaic so he parts the Jordan.  Couldn’t come up with his own magic trick or anything.  Just totally ripped off Moses.

  • And it’s a dick move when it’s a river.  When you part a river for that long, while an entire tribe and their army carries their shit across, you kill a town upstream by flooding them.

  • Oregon trail would have been easier if you could be a Jewish prophet, in addition to Boston banker, Ohio carpenter, or Illinois farmer.  Never have to risk caulking the wagon or trying to ford the river.

  1. We learn about the 12 magic Joshua stones… and is it me or does this thing occasionally read like a tourist guide?  All this “And they are there to this day” crap… it’s almost like the people writing this didn’t realize somebody would still be reading it 3000 years later.

    1. And wouldn’t that be the easiest way to fuck up the whole “biblical inerrancy” thing?  I mean, somebody plunks one of those rocks back into the river and the bible is suddenly full of shit.

  • And now stupid people have another reason to selectively misinterpret mystical powers related to the number 12.

  1. So the entire army crosses the Jordan into hostile territory and ten seconds after god fills the river back in he says, “Oh you know what… why don’t you guys do some cosmetic penis surgery before going to war?”

    1. And this has the feeling of a later addition.  Like somebody was reading through Joshua version 1 and said, “Yeah but when did these guys chop their foreskins off?  We better add that.  Don’t wanna glaze over the important stuff.”

  • “I’m getting a lot of pleasure sensations from my upper penis area. Does anyone have a flint knife?”

  • And then of course this chapter of the saga can’t end until god sends a messenger to tell Josh to take off his filthy fucking birkenstocks when he enters a promised land.

  1. Then they do the divine conga line think with the trumpets.  For a week there’s a ring of Jews walking silently around town and all the people behind the walls are thinking, “This is the worst parade ever, but they seem friendly, at least.”  And then the trumpet blows, the walls come crashing down and they kill everybody but the whore and her family.

    1. And man do they.  Chapter 6, verse 21: Then they devoted to destruction by the edge of their sword all in the city; both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep and donkeys. Even the talking ones.

  2. So on to chapter 7 which reeks of revisionism.  After god says “go kick ass, you are invincible”, they lose the second fight they get into.  So Joshua is all “Hey bro, what happened to the invincible before my enemies thing?” And god’s all “Uh-uh-uh, somebody took some silver and hid it from me so all bets are off.”

    1. So they go and find the dude who did it.  He confesses.  So they mercifully set him and his family on fire and stone their burning bodies to death.  And that kind of shit makes god really happy.

  • “I said you could rape, but only the Levites can pillage and plunder.  I specifically said raping only.  But the free non-consensual pussy wasn’t good enough, was it?!?  You’re in GOD’s fucking army! Act accordingly! There a line! And it’s somewhere between rape and stealing silver.”  Rape’s on the RIGHT side!!!!  Stealing the silver was the problem!!!

  1. Then they go back to the town that had just kicked their asses because god was on their side again.  But interesting that they also sent 10 times as many men this time and worked out an elaborate ambush.

    1. And kill all the men, women and children.  But you can tell god is in a way better mood, because this time he lets the livestock live.

  2. The residents of Gibeon heard about the approaching wave of genocide so they tricked Joshua into sparing them and just making them slaves by pretending to be from a far off country.

    1. Yeah, they were damn tricky.  They’re showing them moldy bread and saying “look, this was a fresh loaf when we left!  How could we possibly have moldy bread if we weren’t foreigners?”

    2. I love that Joshua asks them “Why did you trick me?”  You were going to kill them, you asshole.  Why the fuck wouldn’t they trick you?

  • It’s the “Two For Flinching, Rodney King” conundrum.  When you swing a night stick, and then yell “STOP RESISTING ARREST!” when they hold up their hand to block it . . .

  1. Chapter 10 probably contains the most ass-kicking of any chapter in the bible.  This is where Joshua pretty much wipes out the whole country.  Hell, god starts hurling stones at the opposing armies at one point and when they try to flee Joshua orders god to not let the sun set so they can pursue them better.

    1. I love the way they keep bragging about how thorough the genocide was.  It’s like bragging to your friend’s wife about how hot his mistress is.

  • These guys wipe out innocent civilians better than a double-tap drone strike.  “Collateral Damage” is Joshua’s middle name … Joshua “Collateral Damage” . . . Jew … Nunson!!!

  1. Then Joshua’s army kills more people.  Then they go back to the army-less towns, kill all the women and children, steal all the valuables and, on occasion, burn the city to the ground.

  2. Chapter 12 is basically a scorecard that compares Moses and Joshua when it comes to the murdering of monarchs.  As it turns out, Joshua won by a long shot.

  • For the record, if you present the information from a table with two columns, and the entry is the same for an entire column . . . you don’t need a fucking table!!!  And if you write it all out – which makes even less sense – you don’t have to repeat the number “one” over and over.

  1. And then this book abruptly stops being remotely interesting.  Just when think you’re settling into a book full of merciless bloodshed we make a hard right into the minutes of a bronze age community re-zoning board.

  • “Ok we murdered all the people.  I believe you PROMISED us some LAND.  It’s not like we weren’t CHOSEN over here.”

  1. For four chapters we get poorly formed GPS directions and a few stories of slightly less thorough slaughters.

    1. Plus some incest.

  2. As you’re reading this shit you can’t help but wonder how this book ever led to a land dispute.

  3. They set up the cities of refuge, which are these lovely little towns full of unavenged murderers.

  • If stupid shit in your holy book leads to a whole bunch of accidental murders, so much so that entire manslaughter cities were necessary . . . you might want to scrap the draft.

  1. On the way home from the war, the Reubenites and the Gadites build a statue to commemorate their part in the genocidal mission from god, and that’s like talking about Fight Club.  Smite Club.  So all the Israelites decide it’s a reasonable time to go to war with them over it.

    1. Luckily they all sit down and talk and agree that they all still believe in the same magical sky man or all hell might have broken loose.

  2. And then Josh is all old and crotchety and he gathers everybody together to send a very clear message: Just cause god’s been giving you a lot of cool stuff doesn’t mean he won’t still fuck your shit up.

  3. And then Joshua reminds them one more time not to piss god off and he dies.  And they bury him.  And apparently they’d been carrying Joseph’s bones around this whole time and they bury those, too.

    1. And the very last verse in the whole thing is about Eleazer dying.  This is some super-minor, forgotten character and the whole things ends with “and Eleazer, son of Aaron?  He’s dead too.”

Now I have to admit that this book gave us some much needed closure.  It managed to tie the whole first six books together and make you feel like you’d just been reading one long story for a minute, so I was actually impressed by it from a literary perspective.

Not so much from a moral perspective.

No, it was probably the least moral thing we’ve come across yet and that’s saying something after Leviticus and Numbers.

And Genesis, Exodus and Deuteronomy.

True.  Well, we’ll be in biblical detox for a couple weeks but we’ll be tackling Judges in about three weeks so you have plenty of time to get caught up if you hate yourself.

Lucinda, Heath, thanks for joining me…

Outro

Before we count down the registers tonight, I wanted to give a quick shout out to all the participants in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists.  It’s a league that Carl from Post Rapture Looting and I cooked up made up entirely of secular podcasters and bloggers.

So to Carl, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible, Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Mark from Be Secular (dot) org, Bill and his son Sean from Bar Room Atheists, Evan from The Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe, Jessye from wherever the heck Carl found her and of course, Heath from 84 seconds ago, I want to say good luck on the week’s when you’re not playing me and may you be humble in your inevitable defeat.

If you have even a passing interest in which podcaster and/or blogger reigns supreme, I’ll be keeping everybody posted on the blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And if you have no interest in that whatsoever, I’ll also be putting other stuff on the blog as well.

I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her wit, her insight and her angelic voice tonight, I need to thank Heath as always, but even more than usual this time for staying up til the crack of dawn after his birthday party to work on the headlines segment.  I also need to thank Michael Dunlap from mikedunlapphotography.com for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  You’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all tonight we need to extend our deepest gratitude to this week’s most irreplaceable corporeal forms; Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden.  Pekka, Sherrill and Thomas, whose lightning quick fists seem sluggish compared to their wit; Steve, David and other Steve whose boundless generosity seems slight compared to their intellects; and Matt and Alden, whose humility is in constant conflict with their behemoth genitals.

These eight brave and valiant exemplars of godlessness have cemented their legends this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the cunning, gallantry and expendable income required to give us money, but if you think you’re worthy to stand beside such virtuous individuals as Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but donating money is against your irreligion, you can also help us out by giving us a sterling review on iTunes or whatever you use.  You can also inflate our sense of self-worth by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter and subscribing to our YouTube channel and our aforementioned blog.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight but if you want more, there’s more.  Steve at the “A Matter of Doubt” podcast invited me on for a chat the other day.  No definitive word on when that episode will be up, but as soon as I know I’ll be sharing it on all those social media sites you were planning on liking, following and subscribing to us on.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.