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Episode 28: Partial Transcript

August 29, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some elements deleted from the final episode due to time constraints)

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of designer chainmail armor for children, Josh Kosh B’Gosh.  So when there’s an army of genocidal jews circling silently at the city gates, make sure your children are dressed in the coolest new sword-proof, fire-proof, hailstone-proof, machine washable armor.

Josh Kosh B’Gosh, because god hates you and you’re going to die.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro

It’s Thursday, it’s August 29th, and atheists do it with larger, evolutionarily superior genitalia.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons, and from well-hung New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • The Pope raises eyebrows with his “Don’t tell, don’t tell” policy on sex abuse,

  • A high school in Indonesia will consider a new virgin-fingering policy,

  • And Lucinda will join us to talk divine land reapportionment,

But first, the Diatribe

Diatribe

If you ever want to feel really old, take somebody who’s diaper you once changed and watch them change their kid’s diaper.

My wife had the opportunity to do just that last week when she flew down to Georgia to meet her niece’s brand new baby girl.  She doesn’t get to see her family often so our six year old nephew spent most of the week clinging to her leg in one manner or another.

So one night she’s hanging out with him and he’s looking for excuses to not go to bed.  He’s got a bunch of planets on his walls so he starts asking her “which planet is that?”, “which one is that?”  Before long she’s got her laptop fired up and she’s showing him Cassini pictures and Voyager images and closeups of coronal mass ejections and he’s eating it up.  She shows him the Hubble Deep Field image and his eyes just linger in unchecked amazement when she tells him that every point of light he sees is another galaxy with billions or even trillions of stars.

It takes him a second to even think how to respond.  And when he does, the question he chooses is heartbreaking.

“How many miles is it to heaven?”

If I had been there I might have accidentally ruined the next six Thanksgivings by saying something like “Heaven is from religion.  These pictures are from reality.”  But Lucinda is a bit more diplomatic than me so she answered it as well as it could be answered:

“We’ve seen billions of light years away from earth but we haven’t seen heaven.”

That’s a pretty good answer, I guess, if the goal is not alienating your family.  But it’s still a sad damn shame that she had to settle for that.  And it’s a damn shame that at the age of six this kid’s natural curiosity is already being stifled by a ridiculously antiquated view of the universe.  Even at six he’s encountering things that can’t be made to fit into the biblical worldview.  He has to work harder to get to the right answer because he has to weave his way through bullshit to get there.

But the world is already pretty damn hard to wrap your head around at six.  It’s a lot harder when you’ve got to reconcile the Adam and Eve myth with the existence of dinosaurs… and recessive genes; when you’ve got to develop a grand unified theory of history that’s two parts history and one part Jewish revenge porn; when you have to stop in the middle of an astronomy lesson to figure out where heaven is.

Think back to your own childhood and you can probably come up with a memory where you were trying to pound the square peg of religion into the round hole of reality.  Christians love to defend their little fairy tales by telling us they’re allegories.  But when they pull that shit, ask them if they make that clear to their children.  If they don’t start out the story by saying “Here’s a fairy tale about Jesus” when they’re telling it to their kids then it’s only an allegory when you get too smart to believe it’s true.  And that doesn’t fucking count.

The saddest thing is that this kid’s mother isn’t even particularly religious; she doesn’t go to church, I’ve never seen her pray and she’s certainly read less of the bible in her lifetime than I’ve read this week, but still she’s religious enough to hamstring her son’s education.  It’s not deliberate, of course; she just believes that religion is good for her kid because people with every reason to lie say so.

Don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of more reprehensible forms of child abuse that take place in the name of religion.  Even if you set aside the sexual and physical abuse that religion is used to justify you still have the wide spectrum of psychological abuses from tormenting kids with images of hell to confusing the shit out of them with prehistoric notions of sexual morality.  But there’s something about taking a steaming shit on a child’s curiosity that really pisses me off.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow tenable stance junky Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to discuss several more ways religion was stupid and indefensible in the news this week?

When you live and die for a math textbook that says two plus two is five, you manage to get all sorts of other wrong answers too.  Sometimes your Big Brother is dumb, and shitty at math.   

Yeah, all that 1 equals 3 shit was a dead give away.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has finally taken a decisive move to ensure a radical decrease in allegations of sex crimes against the clergy: they made reporting those crimes illegal.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just give all the priests vasectomies? . . .

Cut off the DNA evidence problem at the source.  

Or just ban the word “No” in the Vatican so there’s never technically a consent issue . . .

Or like I’ve said before, Catholics could just stop having children . . .  

But to be fair, those altar boys are asking for it, the way they wear those robes.  

…all clingy and shit.  So there were already plenty of rumors swirling when word came down that Pope Frankie Valli was “bringing the Vatican legal system up to date” by criminalizing leaks of official information at the same time that he was formalizing the laws about sex crimes.  Turns out one law ensures that allegations of sex crimes are confidential and the other makes it illegal to disperse confidential information.

There’s no such thing as a private allegation.  That doesn’t exists.  That’s just a person thinking to themself, “I’m kinda mad about getting raped.”

Vatican foreign minister Monsignor Dominique Mamberti actually had the audacity to pretend that they were all really disheartened when they learned that they accidentally made it illegal to report sex abuse.  He said, and before reading the quote I think I should emphasize that this is actually a real quote (quote) “It’s quite a papal pickle that His Holiness has placed upon our heads.”

It’s time for “Tip of the Mitre, Wag of the Pickle.”

Wasn’t it placing pickles in people’s heads that started this whole problem?

Head scratching behavior, probably because of all the crabs.  

Look, if I wanted somebody to find that sausage, I wouldn’t have hidden it in the first place!

When in Rome . . . don’t be surprised to get an unsolicited Roman helmet.  

And for those listeners who aren’t familiar with this terminology, when I say Roman Helmet, I’m suggesting the Pope would straddle you backwards and rest his balls over your eyes, and the shaft over your nose, thus resembling a Roman helmet.  

They’re actually acting like this was an accident.  First of all, the pope’s infallible so you’re fucked right there.  But secondly what kind of bullshit 4-year-old-with-a-cookie defense is that?  “Whoops!  Did we just insulated ourselves against prosecution and international embarrassment? Shucks, I suppose we could undo it with the wave of a crosier, but we’re not.  Our bad.”

Pope criminalizes the reporting of sex crimes: http://www.newslo.com/pope-criminalizes-the-reporting-of-sex-crimes/

And from the “Unconsciously regulate your endocrine levels if you saw that coming” file tonight, a recent measles outbreak in Texas has been traced back to an anti-vaccination mega-church.

Pastor, faith-healer and sentient excrement Kenneth Copeland of the Eagle Mountain International Church in North Texas is a vocal proponent of the thoroughly debunked, discredited, disproven, disparaged and disgraced notion that the MMR vaccine causes autism, a theory so indefensible it might as well be biblical.

First of all, there’s absolutely nothing INTERNATIONAL about North Texas.  Absurd title for the church, or anything else in that region.    

So the church finally decided to base an opinion on a scientific study, and the doctor whose study they went with was Andrew FUCKING Wakefield?!?  Dr. Dre and Dr. Mario have more respect in the medical community.

When the inevitable outbreak of fully preventable childhood disease struck, the church sent out a rapid fire series of excuses ranging from “The CDC is secretly infecting people with measles to discredit us” to “measles aren’t that bad, now are they?”

“What had happened is . . . We sent out a pamphlet with the measles-preventing prayer, but there was a typo on one of the important magic words, so everyone was saying it wrong.  Plus there was a shortage of unicorn hair this year, so lot’s of people never even got their wands.”  

And as much as I’d love to say that anybody who gets measles after taking medical advice from a used-snakeoil salesman deserved it, the problem with the anti-vax crowd is that the victims are the communities that surround these idiots, not to mention their own children.

Someone needs to sneak into these people’s bedrooms and inject HIV into their stupid, deserving mouths.  

I hear you can pray that out just like measles.

Measles outbreak at anti-vaccination church: http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/unfairpark/2013/08/theres_a_measles_outbreak_at_v.php

And in “Criminal Possession of Reason” news tonight, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that California atheist Barry Hazle Jr. is owed some compensatory damages after being sent to jail for not believing in god.  And yes, that’s pretty much exactly what happened.

Dude’s name has too many syllables to become an atheist protest mantra.  

“FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!  FREE BARRY HAZLE JUNIOR!!!” … Doesn’t work.   

No it doesn’t.  So this unchantable assailant served a brief jail term for a minor drug offense and, upon release he’s ordered to participate in an addiction recovery program.  Of course, it’s one of those 12 step “put your faith in a higher power” programs.  Hazle, to his credit, actually attended the programs, but he requested a secular alternative.  The court told him to fuck off.

Yeah, god forbid you sober up through empirically tested means.  No, seriously, god forbids that.

Can’t kick the habit without bad metaphysics.

And judging from the estimates of AA’s success rate, you can’t kick the habit with ‘em either.  So anyway, after staff at the 12 step program reported that he was being disruptive in (quote) “a congenial way”, he was taken out of the program and sentenced to a further 100 days in jail.  In addition he was denied access to Go and the customary two hundred dollars.

Being disruptive in “a congenial way” ? . . . He was probably telling really good jokes, and even the staff started laughing when they shouldn’t.  Listen, if you send an atheist stoner to an NA meeting, he’s gonna make sarcastic comments.  It’s impossible not to.  Rehab for minor drug offenses … and God, are ridiculous notions.  If we don’t mock you there, we could actually burst into flame.  

Anything’s possible.  So of course he sued the state and of course he won, but he was awarded zero dollars in damages by a jury of his peers because apparently his peers are a bunch of Christian, blowhard assholes.  The judge threw out the non-award and set about empaneling a new jury with fewer weasle turds on it.

That’s how the awards process works?  Isn’t that … stupid?  Why not award him NEGATIVE TEN THOUSAND dollars?

Atheist parolee sent back to prison for complaining about the religiosity of Narc Anon: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/23/appeals-court-calif-atheist-parolee-entitled-to-compensation-for-constitutional/

And from the “They Meant Freedom of My Religion” file, some Christians in Kansas are going apeshit over a religious display in a school.  But not because it’s a religious display in a school.  That’s okay.  The problem here is that they used the wrong religion.

The display in question was a banner with five images of pillars that read “The Five Pillars of Islam” and that sounds pretty damning when you don’t know the details.

And Christians are all about not knowing the details.  But out of context, you’ve gotta admit, vertical pillar-like shapes are pretty offensive.  Those five pillars could be used to perform two and half crucifictions.  Kids are supposed to just ignore that fact?!?

The story began when somebody snapped a picture of the banner and posted it on Facebook with the caption “this is a school that has banned all forms of Christian prayer.  This cannot stand”.  And with the penchant for fact checking that we’ve come to expect from angry, meme-spreading Christians, this shit went as viral as Miley’s vagina.

She had to eventually get herpes.  Anyone sired by a grown man with 2 first names and a rat tail….  

I can’t imagine how herpes could survive in that thing.

Quick 2 point reality check: Number one, this school, along with all other schools in the fucking country, doesn’t “ban all forms of Christian prayer”, they just ban the ones where kids are forced to go along.  And number two, acknowledging that religion exists in a school isn’t against the law.  It’s the part where you start pushing it on kids as though it was true that we have laws against.

You might have lost their attention between the word reality and the word check.  These are people who are offended by visual reminders of “things that exist”.

Christians go apeshit over Islam display in a local school: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/wp/2013/08/22/kansas-school-surrenders-to-ignorance-removes-islam-display/

And finally tonight in “I guess you can’t just Saran Wrap your vagina, can you?” news, a school in Sumatra has proposed a virginity test for all their female students.

What a great job . . . virginity tester . . .

“Did she pass?”  “Nope.”  “Wait anal? . . . Hold on . . . Another minute . . . Also no.”

“What about her?”  “Nope.  Next!”

They pretty much never pass – I’m a tough grader.   

Education chief Muhammad Rasyid proposed the idea that he describes as (quote) “an accurate way to protect children from prostitution and free sex.”

Wait… prostitution and free sex?  If there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s paid sex.  And if there’s another thing we don’t want, it’s unpaid sex?  

Can’t prove your virginity without taking a cock . . . Can’t take a cock without losing your virginity.  Seems like a regular “Snatch 22”.  

So setting aside for a second the fact that there’s no actual way to test a woman for virginity, how fucked up does your brain have to be to think that the best way to protect women from prostitution is denying an education the sexually active teenage ones?

Indonesian school proposes virginity test: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/aug/21/virginity-tests-female-students-indonesia

Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll recount a biblical massacre or thirty one.

Joshua, in Rhyme

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, that genocidal idol,

The baddest motherfucker that we’ve met yet in the bible.

He’s like a biblical Batman, if Batman killed babies.

Imagine if you gave Wolverine adamantium rabies.

 

This badass says “chop off your foreskin” and people actually do.

He’s like a Jedi in that his story isn’t factually true,

Like Superman he’s invincible and he wins every battle;

But unlike the man of steel, he kills the women and cattle.

 

He’s like the Hulk but with Thor’s hammer and a magical ark.

The sun needs his permission before it’s allowed to get dark;

Like a bronze age Jackie-Chan, he even kicks ass with dumb shit,

Like his notorious chorus of nuclear trumpets.

 

He’s the Bible’s Bruce Lee but with triple the skill;

He never met an innocent bystander that he didn’t kill.

With a swipe of his sword he could knock the wings off a gnat;

He could take out all four ninja turtles and that mutated rat.

 

As you learn about this guys, it’s not hard to conclude;

That Chuck Norris impregnated the Dos Equis dude.

He’s admirable and loveable and strong and heroic,

As long as you haven’t updated your morals since the paleozoic.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, Moses finally died,

So you could have the position that so long you had eyed.

You served bravely as Vice Jew but the time’s come alas,

After too many decades of kissing god’s ass,

 

To take the baton and lead this army of Jews,

After all, there are Canaanites in need of abuse.

You served god well by scouting and then not being honest;

So you’ll lead the Hebrews to the land that god promised.

 

Your ambitions are grand, your intentions extortionate;

So with your god-given powers of land reapportionment;

You’ll be crossing a river but you won’t need a float;

When God’s done with that shit, you’d have to carry your boat.

 

Where to go? Jericho.  I hear they’ve got hookers.

You promised not to kill Rahab and she’s quite a looker.

You might as well since you’re killing all the gentile chicks,

And there’s no way those Jewish princesses are sucking your dick.

 

Joshua, Oh Joshua, how your legend ascends,

The way you massacre, exterminate and ethnically cleanse,

You’re the bravest, the strongest and usually the smartest,

Except when dealing with Gibeons… those fucking con-artists.

 

Hanging kings, burning villages, your army sets forth,

From Achan to Ai then continuing north.

Killing children to show what a shit you don’t give;

But showing occasional mercy by letting animals live.

 

With the slightest of setbacks, your conquest succeeds,

Ensuring that millions will boast of your deeds.

You’re a legend, a lion, a genuine stud;

They took your milk and your honey and you took their blood.

Babble

Ah, Joshua, the redundant geography lesson of the Old Testament.  Half exaltation of genocide, half property auction listing, this book has all the intrigue of GPS directions, all the civility of YouTube comments and all the morality of a Nuremberg indictment.

So to help me sort through the fallen bodies, I’m joined by my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

And of course, not having actually gone anywhere since we recorded the headlines segment is Heath.  Heath, thanks for not having left while you had the chance.

So basically the book of Joshua describes the glorious war crimes that Joshua committed in order to fulfill god’s belated promises of land.

Yeah because it’s not like god could just divinely create more land for the Jews that wasn’t full of people they’d need to kill.  What, did he run out of milk and honey or something?

Look, I already made you guys a promised land.  It’s right there.  Milk, honey, vineyards, the whole nine… you just need to fumigate.

And fumigate they do.  So let’s just dive in, shall we?

  1. Upon Moses’ death, God passes the torch to Joshua, which is kind of like Lord Vader putting you in command of the fleet.

    1. God says “You are invincible.  Nobody can defeat you.  But don’t forget to be brave”… how brave can an invincible person really be?

  • Good headline here: “Son of Nun Supports the Habit”

  1. In chapter 2 Joshua sends a couple of spies across the Jordan.  They were just about to start scouting the land when they decided to fuck some whores instead.

  • Joshua says to his spies, “Go check out Jericho.”

“Dude that’s perfect, that whorehouse is right on the way … In N Out Fur Burger.  We’re clearly stopping.  Jericho should be a pushover.”

Then the King of Jericho finds out Joshua sent spies … “Get that slut Rahab on the phone and tell her to be on the lookout for penises that are horribly mangled by primitive foreskin removal.”

Little did the king know, the crafty tribe had conveniently forgot about that rule for a few decades.  More on that later.

  • Apparently everyone in Jericho keeps up with TV news, or saw “The Ten Commandments”, and they thought the Red Sea thing was badass, so they’re scared of the Jews and their apparent ties to a god with cool powers.

  1. In chapter 3 Joshua feels like he has to prove himself to be truly Mosaic so he parts the Jordan.  Couldn’t come up with his own magic trick or anything.  Just totally ripped off Moses.

  • And it’s a dick move when it’s a river.  When you part a river for that long, while an entire tribe and their army carries their shit across, you kill a town upstream by flooding them.

  • Oregon trail would have been easier if you could be a Jewish prophet, in addition to Boston banker, Ohio carpenter, or Illinois farmer.  Never have to risk caulking the wagon or trying to ford the river.

  1. We learn about the 12 magic Joshua stones… and is it me or does this thing occasionally read like a tourist guide?  All this “And they are there to this day” crap… it’s almost like the people writing this didn’t realize somebody would still be reading it 3000 years later.

    1. And wouldn’t that be the easiest way to fuck up the whole “biblical inerrancy” thing?  I mean, somebody plunks one of those rocks back into the river and the bible is suddenly full of shit.

  • And now stupid people have another reason to selectively misinterpret mystical powers related to the number 12.

  1. So the entire army crosses the Jordan into hostile territory and ten seconds after god fills the river back in he says, “Oh you know what… why don’t you guys do some cosmetic penis surgery before going to war?”

    1. And this has the feeling of a later addition.  Like somebody was reading through Joshua version 1 and said, “Yeah but when did these guys chop their foreskins off?  We better add that.  Don’t wanna glaze over the important stuff.”

  • “I’m getting a lot of pleasure sensations from my upper penis area. Does anyone have a flint knife?”

  • And then of course this chapter of the saga can’t end until god sends a messenger to tell Josh to take off his filthy fucking birkenstocks when he enters a promised land.

  1. Then they do the divine conga line think with the trumpets.  For a week there’s a ring of Jews walking silently around town and all the people behind the walls are thinking, “This is the worst parade ever, but they seem friendly, at least.”  And then the trumpet blows, the walls come crashing down and they kill everybody but the whore and her family.

    1. And man do they.  Chapter 6, verse 21: Then they devoted to destruction by the edge of their sword all in the city; both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep and donkeys. Even the talking ones.

  2. So on to chapter 7 which reeks of revisionism.  After god says “go kick ass, you are invincible”, they lose the second fight they get into.  So Joshua is all “Hey bro, what happened to the invincible before my enemies thing?” And god’s all “Uh-uh-uh, somebody took some silver and hid it from me so all bets are off.”

    1. So they go and find the dude who did it.  He confesses.  So they mercifully set him and his family on fire and stone their burning bodies to death.  And that kind of shit makes god really happy.

  • “I said you could rape, but only the Levites can pillage and plunder.  I specifically said raping only.  But the free non-consensual pussy wasn’t good enough, was it?!?  You’re in GOD’s fucking army! Act accordingly! There a line! And it’s somewhere between rape and stealing silver.”  Rape’s on the RIGHT side!!!!  Stealing the silver was the problem!!!

  1. Then they go back to the town that had just kicked their asses because god was on their side again.  But interesting that they also sent 10 times as many men this time and worked out an elaborate ambush.

    1. And kill all the men, women and children.  But you can tell god is in a way better mood, because this time he lets the livestock live.

  2. The residents of Gibeon heard about the approaching wave of genocide so they tricked Joshua into sparing them and just making them slaves by pretending to be from a far off country.

    1. Yeah, they were damn tricky.  They’re showing them moldy bread and saying “look, this was a fresh loaf when we left!  How could we possibly have moldy bread if we weren’t foreigners?”

    2. I love that Joshua asks them “Why did you trick me?”  You were going to kill them, you asshole.  Why the fuck wouldn’t they trick you?

  • It’s the “Two For Flinching, Rodney King” conundrum.  When you swing a night stick, and then yell “STOP RESISTING ARREST!” when they hold up their hand to block it . . .

  1. Chapter 10 probably contains the most ass-kicking of any chapter in the bible.  This is where Joshua pretty much wipes out the whole country.  Hell, god starts hurling stones at the opposing armies at one point and when they try to flee Joshua orders god to not let the sun set so they can pursue them better.

    1. I love the way they keep bragging about how thorough the genocide was.  It’s like bragging to your friend’s wife about how hot his mistress is.

  • These guys wipe out innocent civilians better than a double-tap drone strike.  “Collateral Damage” is Joshua’s middle name … Joshua “Collateral Damage” . . . Jew … Nunson!!!

  1. Then Joshua’s army kills more people.  Then they go back to the army-less towns, kill all the women and children, steal all the valuables and, on occasion, burn the city to the ground.

  2. Chapter 12 is basically a scorecard that compares Moses and Joshua when it comes to the murdering of monarchs.  As it turns out, Joshua won by a long shot.

  • For the record, if you present the information from a table with two columns, and the entry is the same for an entire column . . . you don’t need a fucking table!!!  And if you write it all out – which makes even less sense – you don’t have to repeat the number “one” over and over.

  1. And then this book abruptly stops being remotely interesting.  Just when think you’re settling into a book full of merciless bloodshed we make a hard right into the minutes of a bronze age community re-zoning board.

  • “Ok we murdered all the people.  I believe you PROMISED us some LAND.  It’s not like we weren’t CHOSEN over here.”

  1. For four chapters we get poorly formed GPS directions and a few stories of slightly less thorough slaughters.

    1. Plus some incest.

  2. As you’re reading this shit you can’t help but wonder how this book ever led to a land dispute.

  3. They set up the cities of refuge, which are these lovely little towns full of unavenged murderers.

  • If stupid shit in your holy book leads to a whole bunch of accidental murders, so much so that entire manslaughter cities were necessary . . . you might want to scrap the draft.

  1. On the way home from the war, the Reubenites and the Gadites build a statue to commemorate their part in the genocidal mission from god, and that’s like talking about Fight Club.  Smite Club.  So all the Israelites decide it’s a reasonable time to go to war with them over it.

    1. Luckily they all sit down and talk and agree that they all still believe in the same magical sky man or all hell might have broken loose.

  2. And then Josh is all old and crotchety and he gathers everybody together to send a very clear message: Just cause god’s been giving you a lot of cool stuff doesn’t mean he won’t still fuck your shit up.

  3. And then Joshua reminds them one more time not to piss god off and he dies.  And they bury him.  And apparently they’d been carrying Joseph’s bones around this whole time and they bury those, too.

    1. And the very last verse in the whole thing is about Eleazer dying.  This is some super-minor, forgotten character and the whole things ends with “and Eleazer, son of Aaron?  He’s dead too.”

Now I have to admit that this book gave us some much needed closure.  It managed to tie the whole first six books together and make you feel like you’d just been reading one long story for a minute, so I was actually impressed by it from a literary perspective.

Not so much from a moral perspective.

No, it was probably the least moral thing we’ve come across yet and that’s saying something after Leviticus and Numbers.

And Genesis, Exodus and Deuteronomy.

True.  Well, we’ll be in biblical detox for a couple weeks but we’ll be tackling Judges in about three weeks so you have plenty of time to get caught up if you hate yourself.

Lucinda, Heath, thanks for joining me…

Outro

Before we count down the registers tonight, I wanted to give a quick shout out to all the participants in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists.  It’s a league that Carl from Post Rapture Looting and I cooked up made up entirely of secular podcasters and bloggers.

So to Carl, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible, Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Mark from Be Secular (dot) org, Bill and his son Sean from Bar Room Atheists, Evan from The Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe, Jessye from wherever the heck Carl found her and of course, Heath from 84 seconds ago, I want to say good luck on the week’s when you’re not playing me and may you be humble in your inevitable defeat.

If you have even a passing interest in which podcaster and/or blogger reigns supreme, I’ll be keeping everybody posted on the blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And if you have no interest in that whatsoever, I’ll also be putting other stuff on the blog as well.

I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her wit, her insight and her angelic voice tonight, I need to thank Heath as always, but even more than usual this time for staying up til the crack of dawn after his birthday party to work on the headlines segment.  I also need to thank Michael Dunlap from mikedunlapphotography.com for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  You’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all tonight we need to extend our deepest gratitude to this week’s most irreplaceable corporeal forms; Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden.  Pekka, Sherrill and Thomas, whose lightning quick fists seem sluggish compared to their wit; Steve, David and other Steve whose boundless generosity seems slight compared to their intellects; and Matt and Alden, whose humility is in constant conflict with their behemoth genitals.

These eight brave and valiant exemplars of godlessness have cemented their legends this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the cunning, gallantry and expendable income required to give us money, but if you think you’re worthy to stand beside such virtuous individuals as Pekka, Sherrill, Thomas, Steve, David, other Steve, Matt and Alden, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but donating money is against your irreligion, you can also help us out by giving us a sterling review on iTunes or whatever you use.  You can also inflate our sense of self-worth by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter and subscribing to our YouTube channel and our aforementioned blog.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight but if you want more, there’s more.  Steve at the “A Matter of Doubt” podcast invited me on for a chat the other day.  No definitive word on when that episode will be up, but as soon as I know I’ll be sharing it on all those social media sites you were planning on liking, following and subscribing to us on.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 22: Partial Transcript

July 18, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Deuteromino’s Pizza.  Try some of our angelic wings, our cheese’s crust,  or a delicious salad with all the cruci-fixins.  Every pie is sliced by Christ, just for you.

Deuteromino’s: Delivering you from evil in 30 generations or less.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s July 18th and during Ramadan, Muslims are like Mogwais in reverse.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from sweltering New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode;

  • We’ll learn that Deuteronomy is really repetitive,

  • We’ll learn that Deuteronomy is really repetitive,

  • And we’ll have to turn off the window unit while we record

But first, the Diatribe…

Diatribe:

This past Saturday, Heath and I were invited to emcee a roast for a mutual friend that was moving out of town.

We were delighted to do it, but the guy we were roasting is exactly the kind of guy you hate to roast: He has no flaws.  He’s in good shape, he’s good looking, he’s confident, he’s talented, he’s intelligent and he seems to have a new woman on his arm every weekend.  Not exactly the cornucopia of personal defects that you hope for in a roast victim.  So most of us were forced to make jokes about the number of different women he’d slept with in the time we knew him.

Now,  it’s a roast and in a roast the guest of honor isn’t the only one that gets ripped on.  Everybody rips on everybody and that’s the fun of it.  We make fat jokes about the fat guy, we make bald jokes about the bald guy, we make timid jokes about the black guy.  And I’m the atheist guy so they make atheist jokes about me.

It’s a roast.  I’m a good sport about this stuff so I smile and I laugh along.  Hell, I started making jokes about god early on so I wasn’t about to take anything said about me or my beliefs personally.  But there was one brief exchange in the roast that I thought was worth reflecting on.

Before we get to the exchange, I need to play a clip to set it up.  It’s a skit I wrote that revolved around a mock-scrapbook of memorabilia that I was leafing through:

(First Sound Clip)

A little later, the dude that we all knew was gonna bomb was up.  It was an awkward four minutes of him trying to figure out why he’d volunteered for this and as he wrapped up, he closed by turning to me and making corrections regarding two things I’d said that evening:

(Second Sound Clip)

Like I said, it’s a roast.  I definitely didn’t take his little “believe in god” aside personally.  Earlier in the night one guy did a mock dialogue where I tried to explain the intellectual justification for my atheism to Saint Peter (which was actually fucking hilarious) and another guy thanked me for providing an example of atheism that would lead so many people to Christ.  It’s a roast.  That’s the point.

And if the only time a Christian had ever said to me “You should try believing in god” was during a roast, I wouldn’t have bothered to reflect on it at all.  But I think we’ve all heard this or the equivalent of this plenty of times before.  You say “I’m an atheist” and somebody just stares at you wide-eyed and jaw agape and offers an incredulous, “Really!?”

It’s hard to imagine this kind of reaction to other groups.  It’s hard to imagine a person saying, “Have you tried not being a Jew?” or, “Muslim, huh?  How the fuck did that happen?” or “Did you become a Christian because Buddha disappointed you?” but in at least most of this country, when you meet an atheist it’s socially acceptable to throw holy water at them and yell “The power of Christ compels you!”

In the interest of fairness, there are also plenty of places in this country where you’d get the same blank-faced stare if you said you were Christian.  Places like institutions of higher learning, science labs and the East Village.  And in the parts of this country where I grew up you could earn such a stare for any answer to the faith question other than “Baptist”, so we’re not the only ones who face this kind of shit.

That being said, I think it’s fair to say that through most of America, atheist is the only religious choice that people feel no social qualms about trying to talk you out of.  And I think it says a lot about religious people that they’re more comfortable with you having a religion that is irreconcilable with their own than they are with you having no religion at all.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who needs an introduction, Heath Enwright.  Heath, you’ve been introduced.  Say something to all the listeners.

I’d like to apologize for a Sarah Palin joke last week that mentioned her son Trig, who happens to have Down’s Syndrome.  He’s actually a lot brighter than you might think.  He’s only 5 years old, and he’s already reading as many newspapers as his mother.

All of them?

In our lead story tonight, it turns out that despite rumors to the contrary, atheists are normal humans.  And apparently a lot of people were waiting for some hard data before they were willing to make this call.

Well, not quite normal.  Apparently we do have a normal ‘personality distribution’ . . .

But our atheist group has statistically better IQ test-taking ability, or IQ.  

We’re also – by definition – better at ontology, and that’s really the crux of the whole argument, isn’t it?

Yes, but the study was not without its flaws.  It sloppily categorized nonbelievers into 6 groups and the divisions prejudiced the fuck out of their conclusions.  Some of the categories made sense; they separate out “Seeker Agnostic” and “Non-Theist”, which they define as a person who is completely apathetic to religion.  But after that shit gets pretty wonky.

Like Gene-Wilder-as-Willy Wonky . . .  

The whole study seems like a confused attempt at examining a superior race of aliens.  

Were they hoping to use atheist stem cells to help cure faith cancer?  Like real faith healing?  

Not sure where they were going, but I don’t think they got there.  Here are three separate categories of non-believer, according to University of Tennessee researchers: “The kind of atheist that reads books and learns stuff”, “the kind of atheist who is an activist” and “The kind of atheist who thinks religion is harmful to society”.  They actually treat those three characteristics as though they were mutually exclusive.

Doesn’t it seem like the study was conceived by the characters from Lord of the Flies?  

One of the kids says “Hey I think I should explain what a Venn Diagram is.”

“Put that nerd’s head on a stick!!!”  

Right, and because they ignored Piggy,they were able to make some insanely stupid statements like “activist atheists are the least narcissistic” and “anti-theists are the most angry and dogmatic”, without bothering to point out that since these two qualities almost always co-exist in a single human, they’re using shit like dogmatism and narcissism to define the fucking categories in the first place.

These guys love them some Juicy Juice logic.  

“But it says what I’m saying on the tele-prompter, and in the fictional book about which we’re arguing.”

In all, I suppose I have to be happy that they’re not treating “thinks god is bullshit” as an abhorrent monolith.

Study shows that nonbelievers are as diverse in personality as any other group: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/07/02/atheism-study-authors-congratulations-non-believers-youre-just-like-everybody-else/

And in a transparent attempt to force Heath and I to make testicle jokes tonight, Ball State made waves this week by hiring one Guillermo Gonzalez as a new professor of astronomy despite his 2004 authorship of a book that pretends that intelligent design is valid science.

When he gets fired for lying on his resume about being a scientist, the headline will surely read: “Ball Sacks Nutty Professor”  

Heath Enwright, king of the ball joke.

Apparently “The Privileged Planet” was bad enough to prompt 120 faculty members at Iowa State to sign a petition renouncing it when it was rumored he would be working there.  Gonzalez claims this was a political move and that a single blogger who isn’t even an astronomer was responsible for it.  So yeah, not only does he believe god made shingles on purpose, but he also believes that one blogger can be responsible for a petition of 120 people.

And why would the blogger (or anyone else) need to be an astronomer to know that intelligent design is complete nonsense?  

Is he suggesting we should go check with the astronomy community, and they’ll back him up on the intelligent design thing?!?  

What’s worse, this news comes on the heels of another non-testicular reason to make fun of Ball State.  There’s also an ongoing investigation into Ball State assistant professor of physics Eric Hedin who is accused of essentially teaching a Creationism class in the science department.

Shouldn’t teaching wrong things – in any class anywhere – be considered a bad thing?

Also, gotta squeeze more testicle headline jokes in here while we can . . .

It’d be a slap in the face not to.  There’s plenty of low hanging fruit.

Facing Hairy Situation, Ball Trims Staff.

More of a sticky situation.

There’s a new wrinkle everywhere you look.

Now Ball clearly has two dicks.

Feeling His Taint, Ball Gives Hedin Shaft.

What can I say, you’re the king.

Ball State hires creationist professor: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/07/09/ball-state-comes-under-scrutiny-for-hiring-professor-who-wrote-book-on/

And in this week’s child-fucking report, the UN’s Committee on the Rights of the Child has posed a list of tough questions to the Vatican in preparation for the stern talking to they’ll be giving them next January over the systematic child rape, child torture and consequent global cover up that has come to define the papacy in recent years.

Define is a strong word . . .

But “Rape Scandal Blues” is definitely track 1 side 1 of the Vatican’s greatest hits.  

I like the older stuff, but they seem to prefer the younger stuff, and that’s illegal.  

As insubstantial as a voluntary meeting with a group that has no enforcement powers may seem, this will actually represent the first time that any international panel has had the chance to publicly question the Holy See about the scandal.

“Did you guys rape those kids?”

“No, no, no,  . . . a bit . . . we did do the nose . . .”   —  “Many of them had headaches!”

The Vatican, for its part, is quick to ensure the UN that they are doing everything necessary to keep pedophiles away from kids, they’ve weeded out the bad seeds, they’ve definitely stopped running slave-laundries in Ireland and they can totally prove it.  But they can also totally pull out of the treaty on the Rights of the Child, so they’re gonna definitely do one or the other.

Too bad they didn’t pull out of those kids assholes when asked nicely the first time.  

I think I understand part of the confusion though.  

In the Bible, know means begat, but in the real world, No means No.  

So these weren’t rapes as much as homo-phone issues.  Just a little case of consent getting lost in translation.    

UN probes Vatican child abuse scandal: http://uk.reuters.com/article/2013/07/10/uk-vatican-abuse-un-idUKBRE9690LK20130710

And in “How the fuck are we even discussing this?” news, the Senate may soon consider a revision to FEMA policy that would allow untaxed houses of worship to collect federal disaster relief money.

FEMA doesn’t have time for this.    

They’re just barely started with fishing te black people out of New Orleans harbor.  

Also, I thought those houses of worship were designed more intelligently, to withstand even the most catastrophic acts of intelligent design.      

Under current law, federal disaster relief can only be used to rebuild and repair homes, businesses and infrastructure.  And since churches aren’t necessary, should be insured and can go fuck themselves, they’re left to fend for themselves with hopes that the combination of not being taxed and selling a product that doesn’t exist for money that does will be enough to keep them through hard times.

Yeah what’s the overhead on selling indulgences?  Not getting a good enough markup on those lies?  They manage to get people to pay today for an impossible hamburger they won’t get until after they die on Tuesday.  How fucking dumb do you have to be?!   

But thanks to the bi-partisan pandering of Republican Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri and Democratic bitch that I actually voted for Kirsten Gillibrand, all of that could change.  Both our tax dollars and our potential future disaster relief might be diverted to characters from Jew-sop’s fables.

How are churches going to learn to compete in the free market economy?  

You know the competitive marketplace loved so dearly by the political party they hijacked?  

But don’t worry, the bill does stipulate that the federal money could only be used to cover the costs of the building itself, the doors, the windows, the building envelope, physical plant support spaces, electrical, plumbing, heating, ventilation, air-conditioning, sprinkler systems and related site improvements.  So apparently they’re not allowed to use federal money to buy bibles or pay off sex abuse victims but everything else would be okay.

Didn’t think this would need mentioning or repeating, but money is fungible.  The $10,000 FEMA check stolen from secular taxpayers, is very similar in value to 10,000 different dollars.  

By the same token, giving the church 40,000 taxpayer quarters, or 100,000 taxpayer dimes would also clearly violate the First Amendment.

Senate may lift House of Worship ban on FEMA: http://www.christianpost.com/news/us-senate-may-take-up-bill-to-lift-fema-ban-on-aid-to-churches-100094/

And finally tonight, we bring you the story of the this month’s greatest sleight against god.  Montage of crazy YouTube preachers, would you care to guess what it was?

(Soundclip)

No, I’m sorry, while I’m sure that all those things pissed him off, he also got snubbed from a Sam Adams commercial this month.

Snubbing God in your beer commercial  . . . Always a good decision.

This might be the best God snubbing decision since Roe v. Wade.

The ad in question uses a brief appended quote from the Declaration of Independence, with the spokesman saying that people were (quote) “endowed with certain unalienable rights” while conspicuously leaving out the part about those certain unalienable rights coming from a magical man-fairy.

You said “coming from a magical man-fairy” . . .

Sounds like a Joseph on Joseph version of the immaculate conception.  

Those type of conceptions do tend to be immaculate.

Imagine how much better the world would be if abortion had been legal when God went all Roethlisberger on Mary?

Yeah, even the conservatives tend to make exceptions in the case of incest and rape and that was both.

Was that God’s first time too, by the way?  Did God lose his virginity during a magical rape when he was over 1000 years old?    

And proving once more that there is no rung of pettiness under which religious people can’t limbo, the Sam Adams facebook page was bombarded by Christian jizz-rinsers demanding that the company love and fear the lord, our god, and threatening to boycott the brand if they don’t issue an apology to Jesus.

The beer is named after Sam Adams so why didn’t they just use the founding father’s actual, documented opinions on religion?  

Tell me this wouldn’t move some brew:  “Sam Adams’ Beer; because Catholicism ‘leads directly to the worst anarchy and confusion, civil discord, war and bloodshed’.  Please drink responsibly.”

Idiots pissed about beer commercial not paying homage to god: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/business/2013/07/samuel-adams-defends-ad-omitting-god-reference/

Poem:

“Deuteronomy in Rhyme”

by Noah Lugeons

Deuteronomy’s on to me, I’ve got say, honestly;

I’m not paying the bible the attention I wanna be.

It’s long and it’s dull and it’s so full of bull,

that the stress of the process is hurting my skull.

I’m plodding through and I’m human; I’ve got shit to do, man.

I can’t study each verse like a Hassidic Jew can,

So I skim and I skip, and I flip through and scan,

I glance at the footnotes here and there when I can.

But I’ll admit I hit bits I don’t get and I’m split,

Should I study it further or not give a shit?

After all, we’re not scholars and I got no white collar;

I’d trade biblical knowledge for Liberian dollars.

Besides, most verses are worthless like the begats and the curses,

That god intersperses with no discernable purpose.

What’s worse is the verses they don’t read in the churches

I’m not sure why they skip ‘em, though, it be a hell of a service.

But I digress.  And I guess what I mean to express,

Is that no one who reads this thing knows what it says.

How could you?  Why would you?  It’d do you no good, you’d

be mem’rizing words that no one understood.  True,

I guess there’s a few who have nothing to do,

that obsess over passages and pretend that they’re true.

But what about the incredulous rest of us who stopped listening at Exodus

We’re bored and it’s nebulous and among the effects of this,

Are low comprehension and even lower retention

So in hopes of prevention and to hold your attention.

Moses proposes verboseness, he know us;

He rightly supposes we’ll be losing our focus.

So Deuteronomy’s a colloquy that repeats all the policies,

God laid down earlier about sex and idolatry,

A dishonest anthology that restates the chronology,

And explains the pathology of Jewish theology.

So the gist, if you missed it, is that when god gets pissed

It’ll likely consist of him swinging his fist.

He insists he exists and if his laws are dismissed,

You’ll be reaping his vengeance and he offers a list:

And it goes like this…

He’ll curse your cities and your countries and your basket and your bowl,

He’ll curse your womb and curse your vineyard and your cattle and your soul.

He’ll cause your enemies to rise before you, sword in bloody hand,

He’ll curse you coming, curse you going, drive you screaming from your land.

The lord will send to you disaster, and frustrate your every whim,

He’ll cover you in leprosy from limb to fucking limb.

He’ll inflict you with consumption, inflammation, heat and drought,

He’ll turn the ground below to iron so no sustenance can sprout.

Your corpse will be a meal for every creature on the earth,

And your wife will eat your children and her bloody afterbirth.

The lord will give you boils, ulcers, scurvy and the itch,

You’ll be abused and robbed and helpless and your home will be a ditch.

Begrudging food to your own brother and to the wife that you embrace,

You’ll be a pariah to your people and he’ll remove you from his grace.

You’ll starve and want for water and screw up everything you touch.

Because the lord is wonderful and he loves you very much.

The Holy Babble:

Ah, Deuteronomy, the rewrite notes of the Pentateuch.  It’s repetitive, immoral, disgusting and verbose, but beyond that, it manages to simultaneously shock and bore you in a way the other books could only dream of.  So joining me to discuss this chore of a book is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome to the show.

And of course, triangling out this trifecta is Heath Enwright who you’ll remember from 3 and a half minutes ago.  Heath, welcome back, it’s been a lonely few minutes.

So where does Deuteronomy rank so far in terms of boring?

You get Moses telling us what god told him that he already told us that we already read.  So pretty fucking boring.

It was like reading about somebody being bored by the book they’re reading.

Yeah, the word Deuteronomy literally means “second law”.  It consists of three speeches that Moses gives before he dies and almost no new information comes out.  Sure, there’s an odd testicle-grabbing rule here and a revision to meat slaughtering custom there, but basically he’s just repeating shit.  It’s like getting to the first big battle scene in Braveheart and then listening to Mel Gibson deliver the “They’ll never take our freedom” speech over and over again for an hour and a half.

Except it comes off less like William Wallace, and more like Woody Allen complaining.  It seems like they got Ridley Scott to direct Genesis and Exodus, but by the time they get around to producing Deuteronomy, they’re stuck hiring his suicidal brother.  

  1. We spend the first three chapter listening to Moses brag about his greatest hits.  It basically recaps the bloodiest highlights of Exodus through Numbers.

  2. Then we spend chapter 4 rehashing all the crap that just happened in the first three.  We rehash the rehash.

    1. And reinforce the message that only god is god, god damn it.

  3. And since we’re clearly dealing with Moses’ farewell concert here, you knew he was gonna do “The Ten Commandments”, and he gives us the long version with the full blown sax solo and everything.

  • “Play Exodus: 20!”  “No – Play Exodus: 34!”

  • And of course the asshole musician has to do it all new and different, so nobody really likes it.  “It’s called Deuteronomy: 5 now, man! No more of that tired Exodus crap!”  Wouldn’t want to play it like it sounds on the fucking album that brought everyone to the concert in the first place.

  1. Then in chapter 7 God spells out the importance of a good, thorough genocide.

  • If you’re a Jew, you gotta be worried about running into some sort of genocidal backlash one day.  Although their strategy of concentrating themselves all in a safe place like Israel seems to be working.      

  1. By chapter 9 Moses has completed his transformation to Chris Farley; “You remember that time when I went up on that mountain and talked to god for a month?  That was awesome.”

  2. More rehashing, but an interesting phrase in my translation at 10:16 “Circumcise, then, the foreskin of your heart, and do not be stubborn any longer.”  So let’s hope the biblical literalists never make it this far…

  • We don’t want those dicks or hearts getting hard, now do we?

  1. By chapter 12, Moses’ Alzheimer’s has turned into full blown dementia.  Now he’s telling the Jews they can eat meat in the same way you would eat gazelle or deer, which are, of course, vegetables.

  • And we’re reminded that you can only be Jewish with the help of union rabbis at the union temple.

  1. Then we learn that if you should ever have tangible evidence that god is bullshit, it’s just god testing you.  

    1. Oh, and kill the person with the evidence.

  2. We rehash the rules about diet then slavery, then holidays, then judges.  I swear this fucking book reads like a filibuster.

    1. Reads like a James Joyce filibuster

    2. Reads like a Dan Dennett analysis of a James Joyce filibuster.

  3. Give your shit to the priests when they tell you to, kill sorcerers and if anything in this book later proves to be untrue, we know it isn’t the word of god.  Because it says so.

  4. Moses repeats himself some more and throws out the “eye for an eye” line.

  5. And then in 20, Moses spells out the rules of engagement:

    1. Before making war with a city, at least offer to enslave all the citizens.

  • So you start by offering them a Billy Martin.  “Listen, we’re willing to overlook the whole thing where you stole our land while we spent 40 years over there in the woods . . . Just submit to slavery, we takes the women you have on you, and we calls it even.”

      1. Yeah, we’re awesome slaveowners.  Tell you what, I poke out your eye, I’ll let you go.  Promise.

    1. Be sure to kill all the men.

    2. Steal the women, children, livestock and riches.

    3. Unless the women and children are Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites or Jebusites.  In that case, kill them, too.

    4. And whatever you do, don’t cut down the fruit trees like a barbarian.

  1. In chapter 21 we get CSI: Promised Land.  If you find a dead body in the street, just break a cow’s neck, wash your hands over it… you know, the usual stuff.

    1. Also, marrying captive women is okay if they’re bald and naked.

  • Slave harem etiquette is important.  We’re not savages.  

    1. And if you’re into government sponsored murder, don’t hang the victim on a pole for more than a day.  In the sequel, we’ll get into using 2 poles to form a T-shape that’s useful for public murder of Jew-traitors.

  1. Then we get the chapter where Glenn Beck gets his morality from:

    1. Here we finally learn that god hates trannies, though we were suspecting it the whole time.

  • “Bitches shalt not steal my boxers and favorite T-shirts after sex, and then wear them home.”

  1. We learn the etiquette of when you can and can’t stone someone to death for having a vagina.

  • Oh I missed something – when can’t you do that?

    • The Sabbath?

  • And don’t forget to bleed profusely when your husband fucks you.

  1. We learn that if a woman is raped in town she gets killed along with her rapist, but if she’s raped in the country, she gets to just be a rape victim.

  • Being female, in a town, and out of earshot – that’s basically asking for it.

    1. And again with the fucking tassels…

  1. Chapter 23 starts with the words, “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the lord.”

    1. More on nocturnal emissions

    2. God actually gives proper instructions for taking a shit.

  • No shit, cum, or atheists allowed in a foxhole.  

  1. There’s a chapter that’s almost moral…

  2. And then we’re back to crazy, random shit.  This is the chapter where we get gems like:

    1. If your brother dies you have to fuck his wife and if you refuse, she gets one of your sandals and she spits in your face.

    2. If a woman grabs a guy’s nut-sack when he’s fighting her husband, you should cut off her hand.

    3. Kill every Amalekite on the fucking planet.

  3. This book is a sign that says “Read this sign”.  I swear, half the book is spent saying “obey this book or I’ll fuck your skull”.

  4. And I think it’s worth mentioning that In three chapters of curses, there’s no mention of an afterlife, no mention of postmortem retribution, no concept of heaven or hell.

  5. Now, follow me on this one.  This book tells the story of the writing of this book.  And then in chapter 31 it starts talking about shit that happened once the book that I’m reading was done being written.  So the Deuteronomy explains the aftermath of the writing of Deuteronomy… and the death of it’s author, but that’s later.

  6. Even back then they had to know that they weren’t gonna get away with having Moses say the exact same fucking things he’s repeated half a dozen times again.

    1. Yeah, so in chapter 32 he sings them!  He actually sings about how skull-raped you’ll be if you piss god off.

  7. And apparently the Israelites were holding up their lighters, so he breaks into another song in chapter 33.  One for each tribe for fuck’s sake.

    1. By now it’s clear that God said, “Go say your last words and then I’m gonna kill you, Moe” and Moses is obviously just milking it at this point.

  8. And then Moses dies on a mountain and according to the book it’s a pretty spectacular death, but you know how it is when people tell you about their own deaths; they always exaggerate.

It was frustrating to learn that we could have just skipped from Genesis to Deuteronomy and not missed anything but Moses’ origin story and some Tabernacle details.

In all honesty, though, I’m actually kind of looking forward to Joshua now… it’s like I’m done jerking off but I’m still watching for the money shot.  You know, like, I don’t care about anything that’s going on in the story, but I’ve made it so far I want to see these bitchy jews inherit the holy land already.

Or at the very least, see some jizz on somebody’s face, so I can get up and wipe my hands on the cat already.  

Seems like exactly the right note to close on, so Heath, Lucinda, thanks again for joining me.

We’re gonna take a few weeks off of this book, but the Holy Babble will be back in three weeks to wrap up the Pentateuch in an hour long “5 down, 61 to go” special.

Outro:

Before we shut down the oven for the night, I wanted to take a minute to thank this week’s most unabashedly, flagrantly, shamelessly awesome humans, Rob, Richard, Andrew and Ann, who affirmed their high-minded beneficence this week by giving us money.  In addition to providing all the stuff that makes this show possible, giving us money has been clinically tested to improve lung function or something.  Seriously, because advertisers now say shit has been “clinically tested” for stuff and hope you hear “clinically proven”.

Remember, if you’d like to be slathered in praise by someone who knows nothing about your discriminating taste if podcast financing, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

I also need to throw a big thanks and a big shout out to President of the Atheist Alliance of America, Chuck Vonderahe for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  It’s a great organization, they do great work and they also have a great convention coming up next month in Boston.

The Atheist Alliance of America’s 2013 National Convention is stacked.  Host of the Thinking Atheist Seth Andrews will Emcee and the speaker list includes Dr. Steven Pinker, Ed Buckner, Aron Ra and the keynote speaker Paula Apsell, Senior Executive Producer of NOVA.  They’ve got early-bird pricing still going so check out the link on our shownotes for the complete list of speakers and events and do it with great haste.

http://www.aaaboston2013.com/

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If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Live Blogging the Bible: Deuteronomy 12:31

July 17, 2013 77 comments

by Noah Lugeons

God loves a good genocide.

I can’t help but feel like they’re going out of their way to make this god character an asshole so that it’ll be more cathartic when he’s redeemed, but I’ve gotta be honest, even with 61 books to do it, I’m not sure if there’s any way they can make me like this guy.

So in chapter 12 god reminds us why we can’t realistically entertain the “moral guide” notion of the bible by spelling out all the good reasons to thoroughly destroy every member and memory of the cities they’re all about to ravage.  This is late in the chapter after a thrilling and detailed reminiscence about proper meat-eating etiquette.

God’s explaining why you shouldn’t worship any other gods or even know about how other people worship, which he reminds us of no fewer than infinity times in the book of Deuteronomy.  And in an apparent effort to soften the blow of killing women and children, livestock and slaves, then burning homes, buildings, temples, possessions, clothes and any remnant of a civilization to the ground, Moses takes a minute to remind us just how horrible these societies are:

You must not [worship their gods] because every abhorrent thing they have done for their gods.  They would even burn their sons and their daughters in the fire to their gods.

My first thought was of Abraham taking ol’ Isaac for a midnight stroll so the actual depth of the irony of this passage took me a second to process.  God’s in the middle of telling them to kill all of these heathens, even the children.  Their god is telling them that they have to burn their enemy’s children because their enemies would burn their children for their god.

But it’s totally still divinely inspired, though…

Live Blogging the Bible: Numbers 5:11-31

June 21, 2013 3 comments

by Noah Lugeons

Numbers is a tricky book.  It rests there in between Leviticus and Deuteronomy, two of the most notorious books in the bible, and yet it manages to have very little reputation at all.  It’s known for boring lists and the titular numbers, but little else.  And you can read a few chapters in without seeing much more than that.  It tries to put you to sleep with all the census lists and exact recounting of sacrifices, perhaps with hopes that you’ll overlook the talking donkey.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  I started this book off with no real idea what to expect and for the first four chapters I was starting to worry that we’d have nothing interesting to talk about in next week’s “Holy Babble” segment.  And then I reached chapter five and we got something so weird it could fill the whole 9 minute segment if we wanted it to.

This is essentially a biblical Montel Williams recipe.  If you want to know for sure if your woman has been faithful, apparently there’s just one way to know for sure and it’s outlined in detail for 20 full verses of Numbers, Chapter 5.  Now, I’ll skimp a bit on the details, but essentially the process breaks down as follows:

  1. Take your wife to the temple along with a tenth of an ephah of flour.
  2. Get some water, put some dirt in it and muss up your wife’s hair.
  3. Say a magical incantation over the dirty water that turns it into adulteress poison.
  4. Make her drink it.

If she’s been faithful, she’ll be fine.  If not, apparently her womb will fall out, she’ll be in horrible pain and she’ll never conceive.

Despite the divine seal of approval on this method, I suppose it’s easy to see why it fell out of favor.  Obviously today’s women are much harder to talk into drinking dirt, but beyond that the price for finding out she’s been banging the UPS guy is pretty high.  I’d kind of rather not know than have my wife’s womb fall out.  But I suppose that’s just a by-product of the sissification of my secular lifestyle.

Live Blogging the Bible: Exodus 25-31

May 11, 2013 3 comments

by Noah Lugeons

Well, I just finished the “interior decorating” portion of Exodus.  For those who haven’t read the book (and how I increasingly envy them), this is the part where Moses goes up on Mt. Sinai to receive the word of god.  He’s up there for forty days and forty nights and honestly, it seems like god ran out of shit to talk about after day three.

The chapters immediately before 25 detail the closest thing to morality that the book has to offer yet.  This part includes the nine commandments and the numerous supplementary commandments like “Thou shalt not boil a kid in its mother’s milk” and “Thou shall not offer the blood of my sacrifice with anything leavened” and as haphazard as this list is, many of the particulars deal with real world situations (mostly ox related).

But then God, supremely inefficient time manager that he is, decides that he’s pretty much taken care of all of human interaction with a few ox rules and a dictate to kill witches.  So he spends the rest of his time on “Project Runway: Tabernacle Edition” and we spend 7 FUCKING CHAPTERS getting the low-down on exactly how he wants his tabernacle built… and his ark built… and his curtains… and his altar… and his separate little “incense altar”… and the clothes for his priests… and, I shit you not, the wash basin that the priests will use that will sit outside the tent.

For seven full chapters, we’re treated to details like (ex 27:16 & 27:17):

For the gate of the court there shall be a screen twenty cubits long, of blue, purple and crimson yarns, and of fine twisted linen, embroidered with needlework; it shall have four pillars and with them four bases.  All the pillars around the court shall be banded with silver, their hooks shall be of silver, and their bases of bronze”

So apparently when Christians call the bible a “book of answers”, they assume one of your questions was “yes, but if I’m making an ark for god tablets, what kind of wood should I use for the poles to carry it?”