atheist podcast | The Scathing Atheist

Episode 58 – Partial Transcript

March 27, 2014 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints. An unedited version is available to our Patreon.com patrons)

Warning: This podcast may contain explicit references to things that Jesus might have put in his butt.

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s March 27th,

And everyone should know how to rip duct tape at this point – It’s not that difficult!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Yankee Pot Roasting” New York, New York

And “Rebel Plot Boasting” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

Hobby Lobby’s medical plan now covers opium tonic, leeches, and hysterectomies,
We’ll give you this chocolate bar if you’ll get in the van,
And we’ll learn why lesbian Latinas that like to get stoned are exactly my type.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

As atheists, we don’t get to imagine the post-mortem last laugh the way the religious people do. Unfortunately, Fred Phelps never gets to realize how wrong he was because he’s dead. But it would be kind of nice to think of him waking up in a paradoxical non-afterlife and realizing that, nope, it wasn’t god, he was just a bigoted sperm flake the whole time.

But I don’t bring up his death to celebrate or rejoice or to beat off on his grave. Yes, the world is better off without that hate-monger and yes, I was happy to learn he died. But I’m not heartless. I feel sorry for his family like I would any family that lost someone. And I feel sorry for all the media outlets who have to find some new mentally deranged fringe nutcase to raise to an undeserved national notoriety. But most of all, I feel sorry for all the people who email me and try to demonize our show because they have to find a new person to pretend we obsess over and compare all religious people to.

It’s probably the single most common sentence in our critical feedback: “All Christians aren’t Fred Phelps.” It’s a rallying cry for moderate Christians who insist that Jesus was down with the gays way before it was cool. And anybody who points out the social ills that Christianity spawns is faulted for judging all of Christianity based on people like Fred Phelps. I got an email a couple months ago that challenged me to go a whole episode without mentioning him.

Truth is, of course, we’ve done that 51 times in our first 57 episodes. We’ve never actually reported on anything the asshole did; in fact. He came up in the headlines three times; once when somebody turned the house across from his church into a gay pride flag; once when the head of the Satanic Temple turned his dead mom gay with sperm and lesbians and once when a bassist fingered herself on his front lawn.

Neither Heath nor I have ever said anything on this show that could be reasonably construed as a suggestion that Fred Phelps was a “typical” Christian. He was a xenophobic attention whore that wanted to be seen as the nemesis of the secular world and got his wish. He wasn’t worth all the attention the mainstream media gave him; he wasn’t worth all the rancor the secular movement invested in him… the only thing Fred Phelps was worth was 16 points in my celebrity death pool.

But he was a Christian, and whether they like it or not, Christianity is stuck with him. It’s not like this dude made up his own wacky religion or anything; he used the same wacky religion all the other Christians are using. And while his tactics were almost universally rejected; homophobia is hardly a fringe Christian belief. According to a 2012 Lifeway survey, 73% of Evangelical Christians think homosexuality is a sin. Nearly three quarters of them agree that god does, indeed, hate fags.

And I think that’s important to keep in mind when you see all the reluctant eulogies of the Westboro patriarch. The op-eds are working overtime to try to distance Phelps’ church from the rest of the Jesusy folks. Almost every article I saw pointed out that the Westboro Baptist Church wasn’t a member of the Southern Baptist Convention or any other “official” Baptist group; but I haven’t seen a single one that put that in context by mentioning that most Baptist churches aren’t affiliated with the SBC or any other “official” Baptist Group.

They also make sure to point out how small the church was. Only 40 active members. 100 at it’s height. And again, they don’t point out that the average Baptist church has about 125 members and that’s with the mega-churches skewing the shit out of the numbers. Phelps’ congregation was probably smack dab on the median.

So why is everybody going to such great lengths to divorce him from the rest of his faith? I understand why Christians are in such a hurry to call a Mulligan on him, but why is the media so complicit? Hell, a piece on MSNBC went so far as to dub Phelps “pseudo-religious”. There aren’t many bad things you could say about the dude that I would take issue with, but for whatever it’s worth, he was definitely devout.

Sorry, Christianity, but if you aren’t willing to take the bad, you aren’t allowed to take the good either. If Fred Phelps doesn’t count then you don’t get the Martin Luther Kings or… shit, do they have anybody else that wasn’t an asshole?

Doesn’t matter. The fact is that any reasonable definition of Christianity has to include that mummified turd juggler. And unless they can convince themselves that he wasn’t a true Scotsman, they have to ask themselves which is true: Are Christian morals really that horrible or are one’s morals independent of one’s religion? And if they’re honest with themselves, they’ll have to answer “both”.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is anxious baseball fan Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to play ball?

Sure, but I’m still enjoying the last four days the Mets get to be at or above .500

Fair enough. In our lead story tonight, the Supreme Court heard arguments on Tuesday in the case of “Human Decency v. Hobby Lobby”. The case revolves around the bafflingly controversial “contraceptive mandate” in the Affordable Care Act. Hobby Lobby is one of many corporations suing for a legal exemption from this mandate because they believe that contraceptives like IUDs and morning after pills cause abortions. The fact that their wrong about that somehow didn’t end the bickering so the Supreme Court got involved.

And the Bible doesn’t ban contraceptives. First of all, that would be impossible, because unless the author was omnipotent or something, he couldn’t know about condoms thousands of years before they were invented. Second, the passage in Genesis that everyone harps on, is talking about a dude who’s supposed to bang his dead brother’s widow, but he pulls out so he won’t have to add another kid to his will. That’s it!!! Nothing even remotely related to modern contraception … And the whole point of the story is that he finishes on her face for a selfish motive. The sin isn’t the money shot – in and of itself.

One of the big issues in the case is whether or not a for-profit company has a religion and thus the right to freely exercise said religion. Justice Sotomayor, who is pretty awesome for a Catholic, started things off by pointing out that this exemption could open the door to corporations refusing to pay for vaccines or blood transfusions on similar religious grounds. And it took them a long time to get there, but eventually Justice Kennedy pointed out that employees also have rights.

Good point … People are corporations too.

The overwhelming view of the people who say they know way more about this than me is that the contraceptive mandate will be overturned, mostly because the majority of the Supreme Court justices have testicles.

Hobby Lobby case before Supreme Court: http://www.theguardian.com/law/2014/mar/24/hobby-lobby-sureme-court-obamacare-contraception

And in “Under-the-Counter Apologetics” news, the Vatican is doing its best to explain why German customs seized 340 grams of cocaine, packed into 14 condoms, on its way from South America, bound for the Vatican Post Office, via Liepzig, Germany.

If Hobby Lobby gets its way the packaging might be as valuable as the contents.

Outraged at swirling accusations, an un-named papal source may have made the following statement: (quote) “We swear we would never have used those condoms.” (end quote) …

And they wouldn’t have. But given the church’s history, these guys should be wearing government-monitored perma-condoms at all times, like a GPS Cranklet.

This is such a confusing story. The whole point of transporting cocaine in condoms is so you can swallow it and shit it out once you get past customs…

So – Germany, Vatican City, South America … Anything with that path is automatically suspicious. It’s like their own little triangular trade. And against all odds, it might be more offensive. Instead of rum, sugar, and slaves, it looks like these guys are moving fugitive Nazis, condoms, and blow … So say what you will about contraception – and the tenets of national socialism – the cocaine is pretty damning.

German customs seizes cocaine addressed to Vatican: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/report-germans-seize-cocaine-addressed-to-vatican/2014/03/23/fb48d5bc-b287-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html

And in “Creepy People luring kids into their windowless vans for Jesus” news tonight, parents near the Gospel of God Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina were assured by police that the wave of creepy men trying to lure neighborhood kids into their cars were only trying to rape the children’s brains.

At least they chose cars. Classy move. Way less rapey than vans. As long as they weren’t Volkswagens.

After several reports of men in suits coaxing children toward their cars, local police determined that the degenerate perverts in question were actually perverts for Jesus and were just trying to convince stranger’s children that they would burn in hell eternally if they didn’t get dunked in water by a shaman. Which, in some ways, is better than trying to fuck them.

Well as long as they were mini-abductions, and they weren’t overtly sexual … Did they have good candy, at least? Fun size is bullshit. If I’m a kid, and I’m risking an unmarked van situation, it better be the full-size fucking two-piece Twix Bar!!!

Reverend Keith Shelton doesn’t believe the church did anything wrong, but promises to review the policies and (quote) “be real aware of how we approach kids that aren’t in the presence of their parents” (end quote), apparently believing that there’s a correct way to do that.

Creepy people lure kids into their windowless vans for Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/24/these-strangers-were-trying-to-lure-children-into-their-cars-for-jesus/

And in “Homicidal Neckware” news, Sarah Palin spoke out publicly against the pro-choice cause, and their latest campaign, which involves wearing miniature coat-hanger necklaces. Perhaps unaware she often wears a T-shaped murder re-enactment necklace – or perhaps just plain special – Palin blasted anyone that would (quote) “wear this symbol of death around their neck.” (end quote)

I’ve got just such a necklace for you, Mrs. Palin… it’s called a garrote.

Considering the stem cells from her terminated vice presidential run were used to create Paul Ryan in a lab – and of course her chromosomally-endowed family – it seems like she would be at least a bit more receptive to pre-natal selection.

Her family looks like it came from the dumpster behind Gattaca.

Quick story time … When I was a kid, I would bend the coat hangers into a diamond shape, and then if you do everything smoothly, you can balance a nickel on the end of the hook, and spin it around on one finger without dropping the coin. If you’re good, you can even stop spinning, and the nickel’s still balanced.

I’d like to point out that (a) you have a readily available coat-hanger abortion anecdote and (b) none of our listeners are remotely surprised by that. Anyway, you were saying…

So I was reliving that only-childhood memory at college, and a girl saw me holding the hanger, and said: “Whoa – That’s not funny.” I said: “Yeah it’s not so much funny. Just a cool trick.” She got angrier, and said: “It’s not a cool trick either!” Confused by her negative reaction, and trying to explain, I said: “Ok, maybe the wrong words. It’s just a fun little skill to have as an only-child. Give me a nickel, and I’ll show you.” There was a nickel on the floor, so basically, she heard: “Bend over and I’ll show you.” When she was just about to mace me and make a vigilante arrest, another onlooker realized what was happening and explained the confusion.

Palin blasts symbol of death necklaces: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/21/sarah-palin-doesnt-see-the-humor-in-her-complaint-about-women-who-wear-a-symbol-of-death-around-their-necks/

And in “How long can it possibly take to say ‘God Did It’?” news tonight, creationists are demanding equal time to counteract all the scientific facts Neil DeGrasse Tyson keeps yammering on about in Cosmos. They argue that the engaging and accessible nature of the show is making it increasingly difficult for people not to laugh at how stupidly incorrect they are.

(laughing) Science deniers are wrong in a really stupid way!

In a wholly unnecessary demonstration of how much cerebral ass he kicks, Tyson responded by pointing out that, if anything, the media is far too accommodating when it comes to giving equal air time to the side that’s wrong; explaining (quote) “you don’t talk about the spherical earth with NASA and then say ‘let’s give equal time to the flat-earthers.’”

What about the “Shitty Design Theory”? … The “Small Boom Theory”? … There are an infinite number of ways to be wrong, so it’s literally impossible to give equal air time to all of them.

Alright, so we’ve got this really nice clock here, and I have these thirty seconds I need to put somewhere, so thirty seconds on the clock… Titles for Creationist Documentaries. Go!

Let There Be Spinal Tap!

Compost: A Space-Time Absurdity

When We Were 2 Kings

MythTrusters

Global Forming: A Convenient Lie

Ken Ham’s “Drivel War”

Yeah Ken Ham’s also behind “Arks and Re-Creation”

The Bronze Age: The Midpoint of Geology

Old Testament grafitti artist West Banksy in “Exit Through God’s Gift Shop”

The X-tra Chromosome Files

Enrolling For Columbine Catholic Prep

Commuting With Dinosaurs

The Addams and Eve Family: The Thin Jew Line … InCest In Show

Creationists Demand Equal Time for Cosmos: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/22/creationists-airtime-cosmos-neil-degrasse-tyson_n_5009234.html

And finally tonight, in “Plugging the Dike With a Rock” news, proud and hilarious New York City lesbian Jennifer Louise Lopez – or Jello – completely baffled the bigots at ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, when she showed up to turn herself in for voluntary stoning, the proper biblical punishment for the horrible, beautiful lesbian sin she was born with.

And judging by the guy’s reaction, the only thing that saved her life that day is that Manhattan is the only place on earth that doesn’t have rocks.

At one point recently, the marquee outside the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, read (quote) “Obama has released the homo demons on the black man. Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” (end quote) … Don’t think that requires any further lampooning, but if you’d like to take a stab at the reasoning behind that one, I’d love to hear …

Well, clearly the homo demons didn’t come to this dimension for caucasian sized dick.

The sign was later replaced by “Jesus would stone homos. Stoning is still the law.” So the intrepid Jello just showed up at the front door requesting her punishment, and the guy on duty got flustered because he didn’t know where they kept the stoning kit, so he told her to come back the next day. It’s like a twisted version of a Monty Python sketch. The lesbian witch shows up on fire, asking to be tied to a stake, and the dark aged morons don’t know what to do … “Pour water on her!!!” … “Put her in a straight jacket – She’ll stop being gay!!! Churches!!!”… “Hit her with very small rocks! … But tomorrow.” …

There’s video of the incident and it’s pretty fucking funny if you haven’t seen it. It wasn’t what I was looking for when I googled “Lesbian Punishment”, but it was funny.

Stoning volunteer confuses bigoted Harlem church: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/20/lesbian-stoning-anti-gay-church_n_5000239.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

And on that we’re gonna put a fork in the headlines. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Put a spork in me – I’m done with my Famous Bowl.

And when we come back, Lucinda will be back by popular request.

Pitch:

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Sorry, that seemed like a logical time to answer.

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That’s right Heath. And the more you give, the more you get.

That’s right Noah. If you give two dollars per episode you also get a free digital copy of our new ebook; “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, plus an autographed drawing from the first ever Illustrated “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids”.

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Turtle fucker, turtle fucker, turtle fucker.

Babble – Esther:

Esther is the final of the “Historical” books and really doesn’t belong in the Old Testament at all. Perhaps the most controversial inclusion in the canon, it was not generally accepted as an officially licensed jew-book until after much of the New Testament was written. It makes no mention of god, the main character is a woman and it does absolutely nothing to advance the larger story arc of the book.

But it does fulfill the most basic requirement for a book of the bible; a lot of people get unnecessarily murdered for not being jews.

So joining us to discuss this tale of debauchery and blood-thirsty vengeance is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

Glad to be here.

So what did you think of Esther?

It was weird. It’s like the biblical version of those free ebooks on SmashWords. It was a story, but who gives a shit?

Yeah, from a literary perspective it was a little better than we’ve come to expect, but that’s like being the least inflamed measle. So why don’t you start us off?

Sure. The book starts with King Ahasuerus the Debaucherous who decides to have a six month drunken banquet. At the end of the banquet he orders his wife, Queen Vashti, to come in and show his guests how smoking hot she is.
1. She refuses and that causes a huge scandal. Eventually he banishes her and vows to replace her with a new wife… a better wife.

Yeah Ahasue- I’m gonna call him Xerxes. So he gets together a panel of the wisest men in the land, and they all decide that allowing women to have the consent option on everyday commands is a really slippery slope. That uppity bitch has got to go!!!

So he puts together a “sexy virgin squad” to go find him all the best available pussy.
1. And they have a twelve month beauty regimen they all have to go through before the king will fuck them so whoever wrote this thing was clearly waiting for his wife to get ready while he did.
2. The king tries out all the virgins, but Esther is apparently a phenomenal fuck so he makes her queen.

And when deciding what sex toys to bring with her to please the king, she famously seeks the advice of the Neutered Gay Sex Slave that oversees the whore squad. Smart move.

But, and this is important, she doesn’t tell anybody she’s Jewish.

Then Esther’s cousin (slash) adoptive father Mordecai refuses to bow to the king so his chief ass kicker, Haman decides to kill all the jews.
1. Yeah, but they publicly schedule their holocaust. The king’s says, “We’re gonna kill all the jews… on the 13th of next month. After the playoffs.”

Yeah, ethnic cleansing is best done by surprise. There wasn’t anyone who anticipated that Inquisition by the Spaniards.

So Mordecai goes to his cousin (slash) adopted daughter (slash) queen and says, “little help?”

“The dude you’re banging just approved a Reich. Could you please? Maybe … with the ‘saving our chosen race’ ??? Whenever you get a minute. Not a huge deal.”

She goes to the king and he says, “Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you, even if it’s half my kingdom.” So instead of saying, “I was hoping you could not murder all the jews,” she concocts this weird plan that starts with inviting the King and Haman to a banquet before she’ll tell him what she wants. .
1. Yeah, because banquets in Esther are like buffets on a cruise ship. Every fucking time you turn around…
2. So Haman is all excited to get the exclusive invite but he’s so pissed about jews not trembling before him that he can’t enjoy it. So he orders Mordecai hanged… or impaled?
3. Impaled in NIV, hanged in mine and Heath’s

Yeah the dude’s got the perfect gig as the king’s number two, he’s got land, bitches, a bunch of sons, but he’s still pissed about that un-bowing Jew, so his friends have to comfort him: “You want a soda? No? You want to impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole, and the have a banquet? Ok – Let’s impale Mordecai on this fifty cubit pole and have a banquet.”

Chapter six was actually pretty clever.
1. Yeah, two good chapters in this book already…
2. Yeah, so the King realizes that Mordecai helped him forestall an assassination attempt and wants to honor him. So he calls Haman into his room and says, “If I really wanted to honor the shit out of somebody, what should I do?” And Haman, thinking the king is planning to honor him goes off on this long list of awesome shit that includes some of the king’s wardrobe and a horse and a parade and the whole nine. Then the king says, “Great idea! Do that for the jew that you hate.”
So they have their banquet and the king says to Esther, “So me and Haman are here like you asked, now what did you want me to do again?”

“If you were just selling us all as sex slaves, I would never have bothered you about this, but you’re talking full holocaust, so …”
Yeah she actually qualifies her request just like that, and then she says, “kill Haman instead of all the jews.” And he says, “Yeah I can do that.”

So they hang Haman on the gallows he’d set up for Mordecai in a rare biblical use of literary competence.

But they don’t exactly rescind the “kill the jews” order. Instead, they issue a “kill all the people who are killing the jews” order, because why have no violence when you could have a lot of violence.

And the Jews can plunder now. That was in the fine print of chapter 8. They officially get to plunder their enemies from now on. Good lawyering to get this shenanigans book approved for the OT.
Don’t call it that.

Then the king says, “So I killed Haman and let the jews kill all the Babylonian nazis… anything else?” And she says, “You mind hanging all of Haman’s kids, too?” And the king says, “Anything for you Lolita… I mean Esther.”

Yeah Esther became queen at 14. Why aren’t more biblical literalists banging 14-year-old virgin harem recruits? Seems to be a mitvah. Oh, because times change, and living by the literal words of that book today would be cruel and tragic?

And then they decide that they should celebrate this murderous rampage every year and call it Purim.
Puts the pussy-cookie in context, I guess.

And the book ends with Mordecai being declared the head-Jew.

And as usual, they indignantly point out that this is all in the brochure of the annals of the kings of …

This book is a real challenge to the whole notion that the bible is inerrant, but it also splooges all over the notion that it has historical or literary value as well. There was no king Ahasuerus, there was no Queen Vashti, no Queen Esther and nothing remotely like anything described in this book ever happened.

As opposed to the other books that contain shit that did happen?

Well no, but at least some of the kings existed. Anyway, that’s it for the Babble for three weeks. We’re nearing the halfway point guys…

Just nearing?

Anyway, thanks as always.

Outro:

Before we fade to music tonight I want to thank everybody who picked up a digital copy of our first book; The Scathing Atheist Presents “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”, which is available on the Kindle Store or Smashwords (dot) com and should be available at e-book retailers across the interwebs by this time next week. Paperback copies are also on the way and we’re hoping to have them available by May 2nd.

Why May 2nd? Well, in case you forgot, Heath, Lucinda and I will be attending ReasonCon just outside beautiful Asheville, North Carolina that weekend. The keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, they’re also welcoming a host of other great speakers, it’s free and you still have time to adjust your plans accordingly. You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Of course I need to thank John for this week’s Farnsworth Quote (slash) Yo Mama joke. I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show, joining us for the Babble and helping a ton with the editing and formatting of the book. Obviously I need to thank Heath for doing way more than he really gets credit for.

I also need to thank Wesley and Dustin from Atheist Nomads, Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality Podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Cash and Love from Atheists on Air and Mr. Q from Quranify Me; all of whom were kind enough to play an ad for our new book and deserve grandiose laudations for their altruism.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most magnificent multicellular organisms; John, Torsten, Wayne, Stephanie, Andrew, Steve, Russ, Neal and Jeff. John, whose intellect is so vast it makes the Library at Alexandria look like an airport bookstore; Torsten, who cracked me the fuck up with the note on his donation; Wayne, whose massive testicles are known to intergalactic races thanks to gravitational lensing; Stephanie, who now adds “Scathing Atheist’s First Patreon Donor” to her Herculean list of accomplishments; Andrew, whose voice is so sexy it’s been rated by the MPAA; Steve, whose penis is measured in parsecs; Russ, who could fuck Godzilla up worse than Roland Emmerich; Neal, who never would have let Darth Vader get away with talking like that about his mama; and Jeff, who can break stones with his fists and break fists with his stones.

These nine noble nonbelievers achieved archived immortality this week by giving us money, many of them by utilizing our convenient new Patreon Page. If you’d like to join their coveted ranks, you can donate to us at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and make a per episode donation that gets you all kinds of goodies; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more, including the Esther poem we didn’t have room for this week. Between now and then, check us out on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus and YouTube. If you love us as much as we love you, leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you like to leave podcast reviews.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 57 – Partial Transcript

March 20, 2014 Noah Lugeons 4 comments

by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright

Link to Episode

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out to fill the time allotted)

Warning: This podcast contains adult language, and you better not tell. And if you do, I will rip the heads off of all your stuffed animals. I swear to god, I will!

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Muslim outreach program, “Million Man March Madness”. Fill out your brackets and predict which faith will reign supreme in the coming Muslim inspired global religious war and you could win six dozen virgins of your choice.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday!

It’s March 20th!

And I’m not a breast man, or an ass man … as much as a throat man.

I’m Noah Lugeons

And I’m Heath Enwright and from “Oral Sexy” New York, New York

And “Moral Sexy” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

We learn that explosions above 110th street in Manhattan don’t count as terrorism,
We’ll find a Jewish holiday that doesn’t suck,
And Noah will fuck up the George Hrab interview.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

It seems like me and Russell Crowe’s mom are the only people on the planet looking forward to the new Noah’s Ark movie. And no, it’s not because they named the movie after me.

Look, this is Darren Aronofsky here. We’re talking about a guy whose movies to this point have been about a mathematician, an old lady on diet pills, a grieving biologist, a professional wrestler and a ballerina. And all of them have been epic. I’m guessing he can do something with a antediluvian zookeeper, too.

But clearly I’m in the minority and it seems like hating this movie is one of the few things that religious people and atheists can do together. Everybody seems to have a reason, and the atheist reason is the least stupid, but it’s still stupid.

Christians are mad because the movie isn’t “historically accurate”. I haven’t seen it yet (and neither have they), but if you’re keeping up with the buzz, clearly Aronofsky’s taking plenty of artistic license with the story. I mean… he kind of has to, since the Bible devotes about 2000 words to the Noah story. You can read the whole thing out loud in six minutes. If he’d stayed true to the bible it would’ve been less of a feature film and more of a Vine.

Muslims are pissed about it because Noah’s a prophet and you’re not supposed to depict a prophet because they want to avoid the whole “fuckable Jesus” thing that Son of God touched off. And I should say that I’m being damn liberal with my description of what’s pissing the Muslims off here; since I could just as easily have said, “Muslims are pissed off about it because it’s a thing and they’re Muslims.”

Jews haven’t come out against the movie yet, but as Bill Maher points out, they will when they see the Box Office returns.

So what about atheists? Well, from what I can gather, a bunch of us are pissed off because it’s a movie about Noah’s Ark. I’ve gotten messages from a number of our listeners lamenting the release of this film as yet another hyper-religious cinematic debacle on par with “Passion of Christ”, “Son of God” or “Man of Steel”. “Do we need yet another big-budget, CGI enhanced sermon on the silver screen?”

I’ve surprised a lot of those listeners by telling them that I’ll be watching it on opening night… though I’ll probably have to drive out of town to see it. I’m fired up to see what a brilliant director with a stellar cast and a giant vat of money can do with this fairy tale. And I’m no more bothered by the religiosity of this movie than I am with the religiosity of Wrath of the Titans. Biblical stories should be fable-fodder for film makers.

Look, I have issues with the Judeo-Christian religions, but their mythology is cool. When we can look at Jesus and Satan the same way we look at Odin and Chronos, we’re done. We win. Pop the champagne. And I look at this movie as a step in that direction.

Clearly we’re not there. The fact that Paramount caved to the demands of the blithering Christies and added a disclaimer to the movie against Aronofsky’s will pisses me off to no end. There was no disclaimer apologizing to vikings for the historical inaccuracies in “Thor: The Dark World” and Jesus doesn’t deserve any better.

But when I hear atheists denounce this movie for its religiosity, that strikes me as petty. There might be plenty of great reasons to denounce this flick and I fear I’ll know what they are on March 29th, but Darren Aronofsky, in addition to being one the most visionary directors in a generation, is an atheist. He didn’t make this movie to preach the gospel.

In fact, knowing his penchant for dark, disturbing stories, I’m willing to bet that he made this movie because the source material is the most diabolical story known to humanity.

But I’ve got a guess here, and this is pure speculation so take it with a grain of salt, but I don’t think any Christians are really getting pissed about the (airquote) historical inaccuracies. I think they’ll be okay with the fiery sword and the flaming angels and stuff. What’s really gonna rile them up are the accuracies. If you think about all the horror, destruction and waterlogged corpses that make up the flood myth, this thing could make Requiem for a Dream look like a Disney Movie with an ass to ass dildo scene.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is “no longer suspected of racism” Heath Enwright. Heath, how do you feel?

I love black people!!!

Must I now show you the money?

Podcasting is all about the Georges and Abes. In our lead story tonight, from the “Mysterious Ways” file, God fire-bombed an East Harlem church, killing eight people (including five parishioners), yet local Christians remain faithful, because they found an old bible in the rubble. Several Kindle copies were also recovered. So luckily, the rare information isn’t lost forever.

Yeah, New York god does that shit. He’s like, “Yeah, whadda ya gonna do? Three thousand souls in a terrorist attack? Sorry about that, but did you notice the little cross I made in the wreckage?” So I’m just saying there’s precedent.

Let’s ignore – for the moment – the fact that religious people exhibit the psychoses of domestic abuse victims … I won’t even mention that … Instead, let’s try to figure out what it means that several large, glass dildos were also found in the wreckage, completely intact. Could this be evidence that a second coming is imminent?!? Finish times are near???

God kills 8 in NYC explosion, saves bible: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/uptown/decades-old-bible-east-harlem-church-survives-blast-article-1.1723125

And in “Edited to fill the Space Time Odyssey Allotted” news, an Oklahoma Fox affiliate is facing criticism over some impromptu local editing to the Cosmos remake. In episode one of the new series, my second favorite living astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson took a minute to talk about evolution, but you wouldn’t know it if you were watching KOKH Fox 25, as the station chose to accidentally interrupt this moment of the show with a promo for a news story about a professional redneck killing things with a bow.

How do you censor a science program about evolution?!? Blur out the beaks of the finches?!?

Oklahoma viewers say the second episode, which was all about evolution, was free of interruption, though many of them criticized the show for spending too little time on biological diversity and too much time on Shirley Temple hanging out with her curmudgeonly grandfather in the Swiss Alps.

OK Fox affiliate cuts references to evolution from Cosmos Broadcast: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/oklahoma-station-cut-cosmos-evolution-video_n_4958024.html?&ir=Religion&ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000055

And in “Allah Carte Only” news, Saudi cleric Saleh al-Fawzan figured out why Muslims kept going to hell, so he declared a fatwa banning all-you-can-eat buffets. Basically, everything that happens in Vegas … is illegal in Riyadh. And it’s the gambling – not the gluttony – that makes the buffet unkosher. Essentially, the restaurant is betting against the Cool Hand Luke-ability of each patron to eat crazy amounts of buffet food, like – for example – fifty hard-boiled eggs.

I can think of plenty of good reasons to avoid buffets, but the sinful failure to itemize the expenditure doesn’t make my list. Must be nice to live in a country that has all the real problems fixed so they can focus on meaningless bullshit.

Right, it’s not like they’ll be a completely useless desert in 50 years. Anyway, according to Musa Furber – another Muslim scholar who also possesses fatwa powers: (quote) “The Sheikh’s reasoning is that the value and quantity of what is sold should be pre-determined before it is purchased.” (end quote) … But that’s stupid, because “all-you-can-eat” is a pre-determined amount. And … That’s an impossible standard for everyone, not just buffets. How many dead crabs in each bowl of bisque? What’s the milligram weight of a parsley dusting? How many salt grains on a margarita glass?

38,606. Not sure on the parsley or the crabs, though.

One more question … When Saudi royalty hijacks the entire national oil industry to pay for their shitty sober yacht parties … And then makes billions on top of that from sales and trading in the oil market … And then tricks its citizens into being okay with not sharing the enormous profits by running a brain-crushing theocracy … Is that what the Koran intended in their commerce clause?

Saudi cleric declared anti-buffet Fatwa: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/15/buffet-ban-fatwa-saudi-cleric_n_4971190.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Sub-Zero Wins” news tonight, the followers of Indian Guru Ashutosh Maharaj insist that their leader is in deep meditation despite the fact that he’s both dead and frozen solid. Despite medical confirmation of his death, his followers insist that he’s in a deep form of meditation that traditionally begins with three deep breaths and a massive coronary.

Well these men are nihilists, which is exhausting. Death? Infinite Ice Nap? Are we splitting hairs?

It’s worth noting that there’s probably more to this than stupidity. Apparently there have been accusations that the followers are claiming he’s still alive in an effort to maintain control of property owned by the guru. Which is exactly the plot of Weekend at Bernie’s.

But these guys really thought it out pretty well. If the dead guy just has to sit still inside an ice block and meditate, they don’t have to pull off all the whacky dancing antics. Bad movie, but a good con. It’s like an awful David Blaine trick as an entire movie. It’s a David Blaine show.

Followers insist their dead, frozen guru is “just meditating”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/14/dead-frozen-indian-guru-ashutosh-maharaj-is-just-meditating-followers-insist/

And in “Hanukkah of St. Patrick’s Day” news, Israelis get wasted for Purim, so the National Police carried out raids on kiosks, clubs, and parks last Saturday, to prevent the illegal sale of drugs and alcohol to all the young partygoers that somehow have vices, despite god.

And those Hassidic stoners are hard core. Have you ever seen kosher cocaine? Plus they can’t use fire on the Sabbath so they have to mainline most of their shit. And their needles are curly.

Coincidentally, this holiday finds its Biblical origin in the book of Esther, and it’s therefore a mitzvah to read Esther this time of year. So like it or not, Yahweh owes us one mitvah credit, because we’ll be talking about that very book on next week’s Holy Babble. I’m hoping to save up mitzvah credits, and redeem them for the giant stuffed Moses.

If we pool ours together we might be able to get a plague of locusts… which would be awesome at a revival.

According to a genuine Jewish person, who learned this from a Rabbi … Another part of Purim tradition – beyond drunken debauchery – involves eating a vagina-inpsired cookie called hamentashen. I’m a feminist … Let’s roll with it …

30 seconds on the clock for “Genital-Inspired Holidays and Their Related Foods”

The… what? Alright, that’s hard… you go first.

Yeah it’s a weird one … The hamentashen works better as a tradition for Gash Wednesday …

PuRim Jobs, on the other hand, call for Felch’s Grape Jelly.

Tits-mas – Milk and coochies.

All Taints Day – Drizzlings of Warm Papal Syrup

St. Fat Dick’s Day – No food, of course; but the traditional drinks would be Cocke’s Single Malt or maybe a Pud-weiser.

Yanksgiving – Cans Full of Manberry Sauce

Which immediately precedes Hairy Palm Sunday – Jerked Chicken

Swalloween – And the tradition would be Twizzlers as a felching straw? Jizzlers. (…)

How about the Jewish celebration of Ass-over where they Harvest Pudding from Matzo Balls?

Twinko De Mayo – Cream Filled Hostesses

Vaginese New Year – Twat and Sour Soup

Girth Day – Gapin’ Egg and Cheese

Rama-dangly Bits – But there’s no food because you’re not supposed to swallow.

Israeli police raid drug and alcohol kiosks to curtail Purim partying: http://www.jpost.com/National-News/Police-mark-Purim-with-kiosk-drug-and-youth-drinking-raids-345522

And on that fatwa bait, we’ll close out the headlines for tonight. Heath, thanks as always.

Jew-Manji!

And when we come back, George Hrab will cause me to go all unwittingly fanboy.

Outro:

Before we blow out the candles tonight I wanted to issue two apologies and a correction. A few weeks ago I declared Dave our most generous donor of all time without realizing that David also donated on the same week which led to a bit of confusion, especially after I played a Farnsworth quote from David who mistakenly thought he was our most generous donor of all time. So I want to apologize to both Dave and David for all the confusion. I also want to apologize to everyone for the confusing apology.

I also wanted to update everyone on the status of the diatribe book. It should still be available on the day this episode is released, though it might not be available until late in the day. It’ll be on e-book retailers across the interwebs and we’ll have all the info on how to purchase your copy on the website so keep up with us there or look for it online “The Scathing Atheist Presents: Diatribes, Volume One; 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope”

Also, if you don’t subscribe to our YouTube channel you’re missing out. We just posted the first illustrated version of Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids, complete with animated ass-hamster so I strongly encourage you to check us out there. You can find a link on the shownotes to this episode, on our Facebook page, on our Twitter timeline and, of course, our YouTube channel.

Wanna wish a happy birthday to friend of the show Wesley from the Atheist Nomads podcast, who has grown quite adept at orbiting the sun over the years. Happy birthday bro, here’s to many more.

Of course I have to thank Heath for his Occam’s Razor sharp wit, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show and I need to toss out one more big thanks to the funkiest caucasian from the Caucasus, George Hrab. Once again, you’ll find links to his music, his podcast and more on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

http://www.geologicpodcast.com/

Also need to thank Tanner Campbell of the No God Cast Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. He’s doing some really innovative stuff with fundraisers, secular partnerships and community building so I’d strongly encourage you to check out his show, which you’ll also find linked on the shownotes for this episode.

http://nogodcast.com/

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s best people; Tim, Wesley, April, Kenny, Howard, Steve, David, Shelby, Vinne, Geoff, Cliff, Liam, Jeffrey and Aiden. Tim and Wesley, whose erections are measured on the Mohs Scale; April and Kenny, whose very proximity is considered a performance enhancing drug; Howard and Steve, who kill up to 99.9% of harmful bacteria on contact; David and Shelby, who are so intriguing Waldo looks for them; Vinnie and Geoff, whose orgasms register on seismometers; Cliff and Liam, whose swordsmanship continue to keep the interdimensional invaders at bay; and Jeffrey and Aiden, who are so sexy the very mention of their surnames just made 8% of our audience come.

These fourteen noble and valiant souls have earned their way into both my heart and my outro this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the combination of generosity, sophistication and raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you have what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

A number of people have also contacted us to see if they can support us through Patreon (dot) com. We’re setting up an account there this week so we’ll have more details on episode 58, along with more details on where and how you can buy the book.

Categories: Podcast Updates Tags: Ashutosh Maharaj, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, frozen guru, George Hrab, George Hrab Interview, Heath Enwright, Kosher Cocaine, Noah Lugeons

Episode 55 – Partial Transcript

March 6, 2014 Noah Lugeons 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.

Link to Episode

Warning: The explicit language in this podcast is starting to rub off on the pope.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Hindu sex worker industry of South Asia.

For live shows, come on down to The HinDude Ranch. And if you want to get laid in your second life, visit our brother and sister websites; FudgePakistan.com and PunjabPoonJobs.com

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday…

It’s March 6th,

And Christian Mingle for godless, horny geriatrics should be called RadiocarbonDating dot com

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Black History Forgotten” New York, New York,

And “Black History Still Embraced” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

The pedophile ISN’T Catholic … Just kidding. He’s obviously Catholic.
We’ll hit you up for money at the end of the show,
And conception got pushed back again. It used to occur at orgasm, then it was the third pump (if applicable), and now it officially happens retroactively at puberty.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I picture a group of people sitting around in hell. One says, “Yeah, I shot my wife” and another one says, “I burned down an orphanage” and the third says, “I baked a cake for some queers”.

Luckily, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer forestalled the national embarrassment of SB 1062 with a last minute pang of cognizance. But we were still one crayon-scrawled signature away from a state redacting humanhood for three and a half percent of their population. Or maybe two point two percent… I don’t know if bisexuals cakes are as sinful as gay cakes.

The law, which passed through both state houses and probably would have been signed into law if not for a tsunami of national media attention, would have allowed anyone the right to discriminate against anyone, provided the bigotry was based on (quote) “a sincerely held religious belief.”

We’ve heard that phrase a lot on this show. A lot of laws that try to find a way to legally protect homophobia and misogyny under the auspices of religious freedom and the only thing that makes SB 1062 noteworthy is that it got one step closer than most. There’s a huge national effort to build a big wall of bibles to hide behind when we secularists come to take away their god given right to hate men who love men. And women who love women. And… women.

And I’m gonna give the religious people a little more credit than most. Because I don’t think religion is the source of the bigotry at all. I think these people are just good old fashioned bigots and Jesus makes for a willing scapegoat. Anti-civil rights legislation was largely cloaked in religious liberty, but today the people who have those same religions generally don’t hate the coloreds. It wasn’t that religion was making them racist. They were just racists and religion was providing cover.

And therein lies the problem. As Anne Lamott points out, god hates all the same people you do, so hate can always hide behind religion. In fact, as soon as you invoke the words “religious liberty” you can hide anything back there you damn well please. To you and me, “religious liberty” means the freedom to practice one’s religion, but these theocrats are desperately trying to redefine it; to make it mean “freedom to do whatever the hell I want, regardless of the law, so long as Jesus”.

And of course, since Jesus can’t chime in, religions doctrines can’t be tested against reality and faith can’t be measured, that makes it a legal panacea. Don’t want to serve gays? Religious liberty. Don’t want to rent to an unwed couple? Religious liberty. Don’t think people should have recreational orgasms? Religious liberty.

It’s impossible to miss the smell of bullshit here. If you define religious liberty the way they’re trying to define it, nobody would fight for it. The bible tells me to murder my disobedient children, stone people to death for working on Saturday and sacrifice bulls at the altar. According to the Arizona legislature, that would all be perfectly legal as long as I sincerely believed it.

Not only does this provide the legal justification of shit like SB 1062, but it also provides the psychological justification. If you take away the god nonsense and force somebody to explain their objection to gays or gay marriage or gays eating at restaurants; pretty quickly they have to come face to face with an ugly part of themselves. But as long as you can retreat to Leviticus you don’t have to bother with real morality.

And people act like this is some intractable problem. How can you balance religious freedom and the interests of the secular state? How can we ensure that everyone’s rights are protected? They act like those are hard questions to answer, but if everybody just had to follow the same rules, the problem disappears. Just get rid any law that is contingent on a religious belief and we’re in the clear. If it’s illegal to suck a baby’s cock, it’s just illegal to suck a baby’s cock.

Seriously, is anybody actually arguing that the use of psychedelics is less dangerous if you think they’re carrying you into the spirit realm? Does anyone believe that bigotry is less dangerous if you think it’s divinely sanctioned?

Nobody wants to carry this all the way, of course. Even the rampaging bigots in Arizona draw the line at the United Methodist Church of Methamphetamines, so what they’re asking, nay, demanding the government do, is get in the business of deciding what does and doesn’t count as a religious belief. And I can’t imagine anybody wants that.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the oft-misunderstood Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to help everyone better understand the Scathing Atheist Satire System?

When I say things that sound sexist or racist … that part is satire. My true opinion on this issue is that women and non-white people – as groups – are generally much better people than men and white people.

Yeah, that should free up some time at the complaints department. Appreciate that.

In our lead story tonight, Seventh Day Adventist parents Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene admitted to something known as “secular manslaughter”, after causing the death of their five-month-old son by giving him rickets, and then refusing him rickets medicine.

How prehistoric do your views on medicine have to be to get rickets? That’s a fucking old-timey disease. That’s like dying of “the summer complaint” or milk leg.

Exactly. (Milk Leg!!!) … Two important points: Yes it’s really easy to prevent rickets: Don’t be an infant who is a vegan with no vitamin D in your diet. And yes, it’s easy to treat rickets … Vitamin D. It’s also now very easy to prevent polio, amoebic dysentery, and plague. Diseases that killed you on the Oregon Trail, shouldn’t be a threat anymore. If your kid dies of cholera, why were you bathing him in a dirty puddle?!? Or you should have just caulked the wagon. Your fault.

And they’ve made a lot about this vegan diet that the parents were on, but I don’t know why. There are plenty of vegan options for a five month old, provided you don’t also sequester them from medicine and try to stupid the malnutrition away instead.

Here’s a statement from Justice Singh, who apparently had to explain his reasoning when he ruled that when you murder your child because you’re stupid, it has to be at least a little bit illegal: (quote)

Did he just say “fuckin duh?”. I’m betting “fucking duh.”

“The law respects the right of everyone to freedom of thought and belief. However the right to manifest one’s religion is not absolute. It is limited in particular by the rights of others. The state has a particularly important duty to protect the right to life, especially when a young child is concerned.” (end quote)

So besides turning pro-life rhetoric against religion (tastes bitter doesn’t it), the Justice makes an extremely important distinction, that is really the crux of every argument about this. You can think and believe whatever you want, but you can’t manifest those beliefs in ways that threaten the lives of others, especially five-month-old children that are yours!!!

I noticed he also said that the couple’s views on Seventh Day Adventism were (quote) “very extreme and do not reflect the official doctrine of the church” (end quote) as though this absolves the religion from any wrong doing. Sorry, your honor, but anybody who pretended god existed or prayer did stuff has at least a little of this kid’s blood on their hands.

That’s right. A little bit of small pox infested infant blood on your hands. Can’t feel as good as you thought it would. Because you build it up as this great thing in your head. Inevitable letdown.

Parents jailed after trying to pray away baby’s fatal disease: http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/feb/28/parents-jailed-manslaughter-baby-rickets

And in “I’d Never Have Molested Them if You Aborted Them” news tonight, the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is blaming a mother for allowing her children to be molested by one of their priests.

Well, he was a priest…

Reverend Curtis Wehmeyer, who I’ll grant couldn’t look more like a kiddie-diddler without a Pee-Wee Herman suit, molested two of her sons, age 12 and 14 and, upon discovering that the archdiocese knew he was a sexual predator before they hired him, she sued. And apparently they’re going with the “what kind of responsible parent would leave her kids with a Catholic priest?” defense.

Corollary to the “What kind of God would allow 12 and 14-year-old kids to be raped, without letting their mother win a large settlement which correctly puts a dollar value on the consent virginity and regular virginity of a child” … defense.

The mother was an employee of the church and felt that Wehmeyer (quote) “needed some friends” (end quote). So that nobody could mistake them for just half-assed evil, the archdiocese refused to let her use sick days or vacation days to care for her kids after this all came to light. What’s more, they reneged on a promise to pay for the kid’s therapy and they cut her hours back. And then they went to her house and ripped her kitten to pieces in front of her and pissed on her rug.

Minnesota diocese blames mom for letting her kids get molested by their priest: http://www.alternet.org/belief/outrageous-church-blames-mother-pedophile-priest-molesting-her-two-sons

And in “Praising the Steaks” news, the Kentucky Baptist Convention is promoting what they call “Second Amendment Celebrations”, encouraging churches to give away dead cow slices and deadly firearms to local heathens, if they’re willing to open a trial account with God. And despite nearly everyone in these flyover areas already owning livestock and murder weapons, the soul bribery seems to be working.

What’s funny is that in a way this reminds me of the story we covered a couple weeks ago about the racist “black history month” lunch menu. Because “Steak and guns” is probably the white trash equivalent of offering black people watermelon and cornbread. Except in this case the race being stereotyped is too stupid to realize it.

Their plan – reportedly labeled “outreach to rednecks” by a spokesman – sounds a lot like animated wabbit hunting … Luring godless Tea Partyers under a box, floating them by their nose with the cartoon smell of animal blood and gun oil, and then knocking the stick out that holds the box up.

Ooh… piece of candy.

Also, I’d like to preserve any extra half-minute segments we might have, so I’ll just quickly add, that a redneck meat retailer slash arms dealer should be called “Pistol Peter Luger”, “Beefed-Up Security”, or “Wal-Mart”.

Glad this is working, because plan B was the Duck Dynasty sex tape giveaway. And if you thought their facial hair was nasty…

Steak and guns for Jesus: http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20140228/FEATURES10/302280129/Kentucky-Baptists-use-gun-giveaways-lure-unchurched-men-Christ?nclick_check=1

And in “Bowing toward Megatron” news, an Iranian school teacher has developed the perfect Muslim; an unthinking automaton that does nothing useful and prays five times a day. Akbar Rezaie, who teaches mythology and doesn’t realize it at an elementary school in the Iranian town of Varamin has recently unveiled a small humanoid robot that he created to help teach children how to properly appease Muslim God.

If you follow the Koran and get to the Allah-Spark, you get 72 unused Sybian machines. Brand spankin’ new.

Rezaie hopes his robot will help make prostrating oneself before an invisible warlock “cool” again. Some people have criticized him for using cutting edge science to promote the opposite of science, but those allegations clearly overlook what a low-tech piece of shit his little robot really is.

What’s the robot’s name? … HALal 9000??? …

Also, I’d like to quickly note that the evil computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey” has the same name as Halliburton’s ticker symbol.

I’ll alert Alex Jones immediately.

Iranian teacher makes Prayer-bot: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/iranian-school-teacher-builds-robot-to-teach-children-prayers-9154038.html

And in “Catholic GeStopHo” news, an anti-prostitution operation in Phoenix, Arizona called Project ROSE is detaining suspected sex workers at a local church, and forcing them to choose between religious propaganda class and jail. And that’s a tough call, considering it’s risky to drop the soap at either venue.

Tough call… I don’t want Jesus inside me, but I don’t want Jesús inside me, either.

The orgasm specialists who wish to avoid prison must complete a 36-hour Jesus sexuality class, which teaches great ideas like prostitutes not using condoms.

(Or getting abortions)

In order to pass the program – which has a reported 30% graduation rate – the accused must also display sufficient amounts of sadness and shame. All sounds awful and stupid, but there is some good news … The First Amendment says the police have to wrangle whore-interns for atheist clubs too.

Now you tell me.

As long as we’ve got a bunch of sex workers forced into cages at church … The stage is set … And also, in honor of the Oscars last weekend … 30 seconds on the clock: “Religious Porn Parodies of Best Picture Nominees” … GO!!!

Okay, but first I want to thank god for giving me an award I don’t deserve rather than curing the disease the movie was about in the first place. And of course, the movie I’m referring to is The Phallus Buyers Club.

Good movie to watch with a cocktail …

What about: 12 Years Old A Slave

Topical. How about Little Mister Sunshine?

Kneeling in the Confessional Booth: Tales From The Squirt Locker

Diddler on the Roof… On the Roofies?

In the Shame of the Father

Fetal Attraction

Semen on the Brokeback Mount

The Maltese Fuckin’

The, uh, stuff that wet dreams are made of …

Lord of the Cock Rings Third Leg: The Second Coming of the King

Father Cassidy and the Un-pantsed Kid

The Father’s the Butch, and the kid’s the bitch …

50 Shekels of Silver Linings Playbook

Starring Jennifer Lawrence of the Labia?

Good climax, but it’s missing something … Might be “Consent of a Woman”

A Vicar Named Desire?

This doesn’t really count, but you’re gonna want some Schindler’s Listerine on set.

The Pleasure of the Sierra Padre

Working on a double, for the bonus points in Splatter-gories …

The Fugitive Priest: Around the World in 80 Gays

Million Dollar Baby-Fucking Settlement

Finding Neverland Ranch: The Kids Are All Tight

I think I already used “Priests of the Southern Child” for something, didn’t I?

You can reuse them. Okay one more try at the double bonus …

Vishnu’s Avat-Argo Fuck Yourself??? … I’ll show myself out.

Sex workers can have church or jail: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/28/project-rose-offers-sex-workers-a-choice-church-or-prison/

That’s alright, the band was playing us off anyway. So I guess that’ll do it for headlines this week, Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here to give you a double dose of biblical boredom.

Skit:

Hilarious email that I got this week that I absolutely had to share. If this is legit, and it honestly looks like it is, it’s from Ray Comfort. Apparently he’s aware of some aspects of our show and not others and he sent me this really complimentary message about how important it is for atheists to read the bible and how he’s sure Jesus will reveal himself to me along the way.

In fact, I guess he was so impressed by our commitment to get a broader perspective on the bible, he wanted to do, you know, whatever the theistic equivalent would be. Try something out that he dislikes and disagrees with in order to widen his perspective on it. So I guess him and Ken Ham got together and tried out gay sex.

And, as luck would have it, they were nice enough to send me audio of that erotic encounter.

I’m Ken Ham

Hi, I’m Ray Comfort

Well good evening.

When I arrived you had a hotel for me and a fruit basket

Oh he’s tall and muscley

Say that again?

He’s tall and he’s handsome and he’s the star. I’d really like to go out with him.

Thank you

Why do we wear clothes?

Well we all do that

See unless they’re taken off…

Can I just stop you there?

Don’t be intimidated.

There’s nothing I have to look at and say I’m embarrassed.

When it’s okay, whip it out.

Behold!

That’s a pretty big number, isn’t it?

How can you look at this beautiful creation and not give praise?

It’s enormous!

Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand

A perfect creation

There’s a point at the top for easy entry and it’s just the right shape for the human mouth.

We weren’t told we could eat meat.

It’s even curved toward the face to make the process easier.

Yet another poke in the eye.

The contents don’t squirt in your face

But you don’t know and there’s a lot of evidence that that’s not so.

Okay it’s my turn

Check it out

There’s nothing I have to look at…

You don’t see that?

No I don’t.

I’m sort of little

Your dick. It’s this magic wand of nothing.

It’s not the outside that matters, it’s the inside.

Sir, this is a very important issue.

Now I want you to look at my point.

Well I said it was pathetic when I started

And what I want to show you is how this works.

Could you explain it to me?

This is where it comes from, right here.

That’s common sense.

Even if you’ve got a dead stick.

But you’re… you’re sprung.

There’s a book out there… With this diagram… They’re sitting one on top of the other

Why?

To make it gay

Tell me why

You’ll learn the lesson the hard way

If you could put your finger on…

No no no no no

Here’s a fork, stick it in there

But there’s limits.

Anything that fits.

No. We’re gonna look at dogs to help us understand this

I’ve gotta get to the bottom of this.

You know there was plenty of room.

Okay here it is

Okay, Alright

Oh, god!

Oh… oh…

And it’s a little difficult

It’s easy if you try

(Oh’s, Gods and Lords)

Wow!

This is so radical it’ll blow your mind

Of course it is

Sir I can’t go on, my brain is full

You have to let me finish

Would you come?

I came

You’re an animal.

Put another notch in my belt.

Why haven’t we already done this?

Babble:

Originally, the books of Ezra and Nehemiah were a single book and remain intact in the Hebrew Bible, which is odd, because the Hebrews aren’t really known for leaving things intact. Anyway, since they’re both short and they more or less tell a linear story, we elected to double up this week and give you twice the Babble.

Anything that gets us through it quicker. So in honor of Noah turning thirty-mumble, we decided to party hard with our Hebrew Lit Book Club. So happy birthday Noah!!!

And joining us, of course, in this masochistic endeavor is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

We always meet under the worst circumstances, the three of us..

Alright, so when we last left our intrepid heroes, they were scraping their way out of exile in Babylon.

Thanks to the good King Cyrus. He sends word to all the Jews that they can go back to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple, and he even gives back all the vessels of the house of the lord that Nebuchadnezzar stole

And apparently as they were reinhabiting the promised land they went through an amusement park turnstile and somebody checked IDs or something because in chapter two we get a precise headcount.

You approach the turnstiles leading into the ancient Jerusalem circus, and you know that when you get there, you have to give the man 2 shekels or he won’t let you in. But when you get there, everything goes wrong …

“Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine.”

First things first, they celebrate Sukkot and then get to work rebuilding their temple.

The Sukkot tents doubled as a circus venue.

But the man always be holdin’ ‘em down. They start trying to build their temple but then the kids from the “cool” fraternity show up and start making trouble for them, so they have to stop.

“So you guys remember that Jewish tribe we enslaved, that we definitely can’t trust because we enslaved them after centuries of genocidal warfare? … Well Cyrus let them start building a giant God Castle again. Could be real God. Our prayers don’t do shit. Is this something we need to worry about?”

And you can tell that the bronze age FCC was getting on their ass about all the wars and genocides in season one, because when shit hits the fan in Ezra we get a vigorous letter-writing campaign.

I was hoping they would address the paperwork situation. Because building a temple, to an exotic God, without a permit, with- …
Within the Jerusalem city limits. That ain’t legal either.
I thought this was Trans-Euphrates?!? Are we not in Trans-Euphrates?!?

Eventually the Jews find all the necessary receipts and what-not and get permission to finish their temple, which they do.
1. And that’s great unless, of course, you’re a local bull, ram, lamb or goat, in which case you’ll be brutally slaughtered to appease Jew-God’s bloodlust.
And now that we’re two thirds of the way through the book we meet the titular Ezra, who know his Mosaic law like nobody’s business. And on the merit of this, King Artaxerxes gives him all of Jerusalem.
1. And then all of a sudden we’re in the first person, which is odd.

Taking over as objective narrator in God’s book … The balls on this guy!!!

So Ezra gathers a sufficient number of Jews, divvies up the cash, fast for a while and then head to the newly rebuilt temple.
Then he makes it very clear to everyone that the reason god exiled them was obvious: They weren’t being racist enough. So he make sure everyone knows to be extra racist this time around.
1. He even says that they can’t see to the “peace and prosperity” of the neighboring tribes so you’re not even allowed to be just passively racist.

The Middle East is like the crazy kid in school getting tricked into fighting the even crazier other kid. It’s a fun TV show for atheists … “Deluded Giant Squid vs. Equally Naive But Tribally Different Mega Shark”

So to keep Jew god from getting pissy again, Ezra orders anyone who married a foreigner to send away their wives and children…

And there’s even a detailed miscegeny list, with all the people who cheated and gave their kids illegal performance enhancers like dominant DNA.

So obviously Ezra just blew the right scribe to get his own book in the bible. The same is almost certainly true of Nehemiah, whose claim to fame was building a wall where once there was only most of a wall.

1. Right. First we meet Nehemiah, who spends chapter one shitting all over Ezra, basically. They rebuilt the temple, so he decides to lament the fact that they didn’t also do the wall.
2. So Nehemiah is all bummed. Meanwhile he’s landed this awesome gig “bearing the king’s cup” if you know what I mean.
- So King Artaxerxes asks what he’s so bummed about, he tells him and the king’s like “Oh, here’s some lumber and stone. Have at it.”
- Then he inspects the wall, including the unfortunately named “Dung Gate”
- Talk about using the rear entrance
- And then you get some blatant evidence planting. They’re working on the rebuild, and three rival officias – a Horonite, an Ammonite, and an Arab – might as well walk into a Jewish bar, and ask Nehemiah if his crew is gonna rebel against the king. So Nehemiah – as if wearing a wire – says: “Hello three people that represent the historical property rights of your entire future race, who agree that you have no claim, share, or historic right to Jerusalem whatsoever say-nothing-if-you-agree-forever-Done. Why do you guys care?!? “
3. And everybody goes out “Hands across Jerusalem” style and they all fix a little section of the wall.
6. And Sanballat, the mean-girl from a cheerleading movie of biblical villains, starts writing letters to Nehemiah telling him he’s gonna spread rumors about him and blow his boyfriend if he doesn’t stop building his wall.
7. And in case you missed the exhaustive list of which tribes all the returning exiles were from, we get it again in chapter seven.
- If you want the book to be longer, just increase the margins, or the font size. Or add some chapters about morality. Or being reasonable. Or a “how-to” guide on reading allegories. Plenty of options.
8. Then they all get together to love god and live in booths.
9. And to be honest, I’m half convinced that if you started reading the bible at chapter nine of Nehemiah, you wouldn’t have missed much. Because Ezra spends this extremely long chapter going on and on about how awesome god is by rehashing most of the shit that’s happened so far in the book.
10. Then he drives home the two main points of the last six or seven books: One, god needs you to kill a lot of goats for him, and two, don’t forget to be racist. Whatever you do, don’t interbreed with any of those foreigners.
- Yeah, let’s keep all these recessive genes to ourselves.
- Withholding the blind, translucent, polydactyl piano prodigy. Smart.
- “Stay Pale on three! One, two, three: STAY PALE!!! Jew-Ra!!!”
11. And lest you think we’re shitting you about how boring this book is, they spend chapter eleven telling which people moved to which towns as they repopulated.
- “What?!? I’m making a detailed list of all the Jewish people, and their addresses … How would this backfire?!?”
12. And in a valiant effort to make chapter eleven seem interesting, they spend most of chapter twelve explaining who stood where during the ribbon cutting on their new wall.
13. Nehemiah then makes the mistake of turning his back for a second and within a few days priests are setting up rooms for their old frat buddies in the temple, they’re working on the Sabbath, they’re marrying foreigners.
- Yeah, so he beats them and pulls out their hair.
- Literally – Handfuls of soul-less ginger clumps.
- Heck of a guy that Nehemiah.

So yeah, in summary the Jews are back and they have a temple and a wall again.

That’s all they really needed to say.

Esther’s up next and that’s another short one but it’s gonna get it’s own segment in episode 58 because something tells me we’re gonna want to spend a whole episode on Job. Anyway, thanks for bearing with it, guy and gal.

Outro:

Before we get played off tonight, I wanted to let everyone know about something I’m rather stoked about. At the behest of a number of listeners I spent the last few weeks compiling the first fifty diatribes into book form. Many of them have been rewritten or lengthened, and I’ve added a few paragraphs of introduction to each one so you can think of it as the director’s cut of the diatribes. More than a third of the book is all new material and that should be available as an ebook on the twentieth of March. We hope to have physical copies available by ReasonCon at the beginning of May. We’ll be talking that up a bunch over the next couple of weeks.

And if you were hoping for a poem tonight, sorry about that. It’ll be on next week’s show. Part of that was to make room for the scandalous Ham/Comfort sex tape, but after some discussion with Heath and Lucinda we’re all of the mind that it generally makes more sense to do the bible poems after we’ve reviewed the books in question rather than before.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. Between now and then I have to thank Heath for his continued commitment to excellence in excrement jokes; I need to thank Lucinda for all that she brings to the show and I need to thank David for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and for his incredible generosity. Here’s hoping he sparked a bidding war to claim the title of our most generous donor ever.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans; Paul, Rebekah, Michael, Crystal, Andrew, Shane and Joel. Paul, whose mighty fists serve as the primary backup system for the Large Hadron Collider; Rebekah, who’s such a badass she has to let alligators tag-team when she wrestles them; Michael, whose dick is so big it has Lagrangian points; Crystal, whose intellect is so vast it could hold two of every unclean animal and seven of every clean one; Andrew who’s too sexy to play Jesus; Shane, whose biceps are powerful enough to run the flux capacitor; and Joel, who’s so hot Stacy’s mom sings songs about him.

These bright, shining examples of altruism have earned their spot in my anti-Putin bunker this week by giving us money. Only the smartest, strongest, sexiest secularists have what it takes to give us money, but if you feel like you’ve got all the requisite silibants, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And, of course, if you love the show but you spent your entertainment budget on Romanian vampire porn, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or whatever place you prefer to leave glowing podcast reviews. And if you just can’t get enough of us, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube and check out our erratically published blog.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Curtis Wehmeyer, Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons, Nkosiyapha and Virginia Kunene, Noah Lugeons

Episode 54 – Partial Transcript

February 27, 2014 Noah Lugeons 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains at-symbols, ampersands, pound signs and exclamation points.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Christian flavored brand of lion food; Kibble and Twits. Every bag is fortified with 9 denominations and minerals.

Kibbles and Twits: Because Christians are gonna act like they’re being persecuted one way or the other.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 27th

And Dunkin’ Donuts has a new donut filled with cookie dough. My stomach cancer just got diabetus.

Im Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Ray Felton can point and shoot” New York, New York

And “Anyone can point and shoot” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode:

Drive-by baptists hold super soakers sideways gangster style.
Malaysia does something dumb even for a country that arrests coconuts,
And gay people will go to hell.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

If you were ever curious what Heath, Lucinda and I look like, we can now offer you an answer to that question. We appeared on the vlogcast “Holy Crap!” with friend of the show Shujin Tribble last week, and the episode is archived on You Tube and you can find a link to it, of course, on the shownotes for this episode. I should warn you, though, that according to the feedback we’ve gotten so far, we’re younger, older, thinner, fatter, better and worse looking than you think we are.

But the reason I bring it up is that one of the questions that came up deserved a little more reflection than I could offer on the show. Shujin was hosting a panel discussion and he posed us all a common question amongst atheists: What evidence would it take to convince you that there was a god?

I’ve heard all manner of answers to this question in the past. Usually atheists offer some universally (or near universally) observable phenomenon; something that can be scientifically tested; something that would be unambiguous. And when we offer this, we’re falling into the theists trap. I remember listening to friend of the show and master-debater Justin Schieber answering this question by challenging god to write something in the sky by realigning stars.

This seems a reasonable request of an omnipotent being, but it elicited a laugh from the audience. To the religious onlookers, it seemed like he was asking for a ridiculously high standard of evidence, even if they believed that what he was asking for was well within the purview of their god.

One of my favorite answers, and I’ll apologize in advance to whoever originated it, as I can’t recall where I first heard it, is that it’s a pointless question. I might not know what evidence it would take to convince me that there is an all-powerful god, but by definition, god would. He would obviously be capable of revealing his existence in a way that would convince me, even if no ready example of such an act comes to mind.

Normally I’d have gone with an answer similar to this, but I’d been mulling something over all day that I’d heard on the Thinking Atheist. Seth Andrews, who has one of the best atheist podcasts on the interwebs, by the way, was doing an episode about “divine protection”. He started by talking about that nincompoop snake-handler Heath and I discussed last week, and then went on to catalogue all manner of maladies that had befallen priests and preachers in churches; often during service.

He was pointing out, of course, that god was failing in his charge to protect the faithful. Why wouldn’t god tell the snake handler “not tonight, bro”, or turn the poison into hemoglobin or something? Why would a tornado hit a church full of devout worshippers and miss the crack house down the street?

I was thinking about all that while the other panelists offered the typical answers. All good answers, mind you; things like running a chemical process in reverse; stopping all aircraft in flight at the same time; speaking to everyone in a language that they could all understand.

But when it came to my turn, I lowered the bar of evidence. Instead of looking for what it would take to make a believer out of me, I looked at what it would take to move me into the “maybe” category. What would it take to give me pause. And when you look at the question like that, god’s job gets pretty damn easy.

So god, if you want me to stop doing this show, here’s all it would take: Show me evidence that churches are less likely to be hit by lightening. Just show me unambiguous, verifiable data that shows that a place of worship is statistically less likely to get hit by lightening. Or earthquakes. Or hurricanes. Show me evidence that devout people are less likely to get cancer than heathens. Show me that people who are prayed for recover quicker than people who aren’t. Show me just one tiny shred of statistically significant evidence that there’s a reason to even ask the question, “Is there a god?”

Look, I’m asking for almost nothing here. Eternal life is something I’d be thrilled to be wrong about. But even when you lower the bar of evidence all the way to the floor, god can’t slither over it.

Skit:

Ooh… slither over it, he says… that son of a bitch. I hate that podcast so much!!

Don’t be so filled with hate, dad. You’ve gotta learn to let go. And I told you that adding free will in the beta version was gonna be trouble.

Shut up, Jesus! Man, if I had some brimstone, I’d splatter that little twerp.

I told you not to use so much on the dinosaurs.

They were eating meat on Fridays! I’d already shortened their arms to keep ‘em from beating off and they were still sinning!

I’m just saying you shouldn’t get yourself so worked up.

Jesus, I’ll crucify you again if you don’t back off.

Well it you’re so pissed about it, why don’t you just provide some evidence? You know, divinely cure cancer or something? Or any other single, tangible thing.

Oh yeah, Jesus… really mysterious. You’d make a terrible god.

(under his breath)…you make a terrible god.

What was that?!?

Pretty sure you heard me.

I’ll beat you like a red-handed stepchild!

You’re not my real dad!!!

It’s complicated. I’m God. And you’re my son. And you’re also God. And then there’s this holy ghost. And then there’s that guy Joseph I cuckolded. But as long as you live in my universe, you live under my rules…

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is armchair intactivist Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to fight for the Jewish baby dicks?

Hey, circumcise matters.

In our lead story tonight, Denmark has passed a law banning the barbaric practice of Kosher and Halal slaughter in favor of the nominally less barbaric practice of knocking their brains around with that thing Javier Bardem had in No Country for Old Men. The move has been applauded by animal rights minimalists all over the world, though vegans are still being kind of douchey about it.

And in Vonnegutian headline format: “On the scale of animal cruelty, a Kosher-One is a Slaughterhouse-Five.” … And yes, vegans are correct in pointing out that almost every meat supply chain is completely disgusting … But that sickly, feeble voice ruins everything they say. Vegan Babies – Breakfast of Champions!!!

Kosher practices stipulate that an animal can’t be stunned before slaughter, must be killed with a single slit to the throat and must bleed to death afterwards. According to primary sources, failing to meet with these strict dietary requirements can lead to being smited by brimstone, stricken with leprosy or condemned to wander in deserts for decades at a time.

How does a Jewish person even know that they’re getting legit Kosher stuff? What if the cow has a coronary while it’s waiting on line? Does the steakhouse give you an autopsy report?!?

Critics of the ban call it anti-semitic because you might as well play the cards you’re holding, but supporters point out that Denmark’s new law forbids the Kosher slaughter of Jewish cows and chickens as well. Muslims, of course, are also getting all stupid about this because Allah copied his homework off of Jew-God.

Denmark bans Kosher and Halal animal torture: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2014/2/19/halal-kosher-slaughter-banned-in-denmark-as-minister-insists-animal-rights-come-before-religion

Who copied it off that Asian kid … And in “Charlatan North Carolina” news, Pastor Steven Furtick – of Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina – has written up a playbook for tricking large groups into getting baptised. Wanting to up his scientific street cred, he borrows his techniques largely from Las Vegas stage hypnotists. God is a numbers game for multi-national mega-church conglomerates like this one, so they keep track of these baptism stats like serial rapists keep notches on a headboard.

You told me that your cat did that…

I don’t have a cat- I mean I sometimes catsit for people- It doesn’t matter. Moving on. Among other disingenuous strategies, Furtick suggests that the church set up plants in the audience, to help start the momentum of consent to the pier pressure. And to falsely inflate the apparent pious stupidity of younger generations, he suggests that the youngest plants run to the front of the “disgusting public bath line”, when the pastor announces the Mass Baptism Ambush. This is also logistically better – he notes – because old people take forever to get changed into their water rape attire, which will tend to hold up the line.

Why not a secret trap door like Sweeney Todd or Jabba the Hutt? Or just have a pool party and when nobody’s looking you can bless the shallow end and dump in some of that fecal-matter infested holy water they love so much.

Considering how much they love to brainwash young people, I’m surprised they didn’t go with more of a Nickelodeon theme. You ask everyone at the service a simple trivia question about Jesus, to which every baptised Christian would know the answer. And then anyone in the audience who said “I don’t know” would have green slime (made with holy water) dropped on their head from above their pew.

I am automatically friends with anybody who gets that joke.

Spontaneous Baptisms: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/is-anyone-really-surprised-by-elevation-churchs-spontaneous-baptisms

And in other North Carolina licking monkey spunk news tonight, Kalei Wilson, a 15 year old high school student in Canton, North Carolina, has been forced to abandon plans to start a secular student’s club after receiving death threats from all those “other cheek” turners we hear so much about.

Death threats?!? Except for church, every club is a secular club.

Good point, but that didn’t stop the school from blocking her attempt to start the club on account o’ Jesus wouldn’t approve, but Wilson fought back with the help of the Secular Student Alliance, the Freedom From Religion Foundation and the ACLU. Eventually the school realized they couldn’t win this legally so the Christians went with what they know; bullying.

They could have burned her at the stake. The womens’ movement has taken small steps in this area.

In the latest chapter of this saga, the following message appeared on the group’s fundraising page yesterday: (quote) “It saddens us to report that due to the numerous threats and verbal attacks on Kalei along with the vindictive witch-hunt to hurt the reputations of affiliated groups and our family, Kalei will not be continuing with the group.”

So congratulations, Christianity. You’ve bullied a teenage girl into abandoning something she fought tooth and nail for and has a legal right to. Because, like Jesus said, “What you do to the least of my children is all good if it keeps some atheists from doing a bake-sale for the Foundation Beyond Belief”

What do these people think kids would do at a secular club?!?

Well our Canton, North Carolina, listeners should be on the look out for a great deal on a cancelled baby buffet.

15 Year old receives death threats and cancels planned Humanist club: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/26/after-long-battle-to-form-high-school-atheist-group-student-bows-out-after-numerous-threats-and-verbal-attacks/

And in “How Many Lepers Do I Have to Hug to Counteract This?” news tonight, MedStar Washington Hospital Center’s Catholic Chaplain Brian Coelho is a callous bastard with a heart of lumpy pigeon shit. According to heart attack patient Ronald Plishka, the Reverend refused him last rites upon learning that Plishka was gay.

Sorry but I have ZERO sympathy here. If you believe in the teachings of Christianity, and you’re gay, then you already know that you’re going to hell. So the deathbed slam poetry from the bigoted Reverend shouldn’t really matter to you, should it?!?

The lumpy pigeon shit hearted bastard has refused opportunities to respond to these allegations, though the hospital has made it clear that if they prove true it would mean that Coelho is an asshole.

Okay, but I do see where the asshole’s coming from. The gay guy’s about to die, and he’s trying to make some bullshit last-second promise to stop being gay for the next 10 living minutes. If I’m the chaplain there, I’d be pissed about the loophole. Maybe blow the guy at the last second before he dies for spite.

Well as much as I’d love to join you in the sympathy boycott, there was a particular quote that tugged at my heartstrings. Apparently Plishka got pissed off right afterwards and cussed at the priest on his way out the door. Upon reflecting on this and the fact that he didn’t receive his cracker or whatever, he told reporters that (quote) “I’m thinking I’m going to rot in hell now […] I’m not perfect, believe me. And I wouldn’t wish [being gay] on anyone.” (end quote). So it wasn’t enough for this religion to ruin this dude’s life with their bigotry… they’re also hell bent on ruining his death.

Catholic Priest denies last rites to a gay dude: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/gay-patient-says-catholic-chaplain-refused-him-last-rites/2014/02/19/35d163f6-99b1-11e3-80ac-63a8ba7f7942_story.html

And from the “Nobody Cares About Malaysia Comma However” file: Newspaper printers in Malaysia averted disaster by censoring several images of entire naked pigs, that almost went to press in an International New York Times article. Instead, the otherwise riot-inciting pig pics appeared with their faces blacked out. Despite hearing the black face thing totally out of context, Al Sharpton, Nat X, and Jesse Jackson have already made angry, public, rhyming responses.

Nat X, huh? The man so black fireflies follow him around in the day time? Awesome. I love that it was the pigs faces they blacked out. Were they looking particularly “come hither”? Were they concealing the pig’s identities in case of retaliation? I mean look, if they were censoring their pig-tits and pork swords that would still be fucking hilarious, but the eyes!?

There are rumors suggesting this may be a spiteful response by the Malaysian Muslims, to a recent incident in which a respected jihadist was denied entrance into a particular house of bricks, that even his explosives couldn’t blow down. Reports suggest the inhabitant even made a derogatory remark, about the ridiculous pubic-like bush of hair on his (quote) “chinny chin chin” area.

Yeah, but I hear that dude’s under suspicion as well. In Malaysia it’s illegal to huff, puff and blow, so…

Crafty swine … Here’s a statement from the printing company: (quote) “This is a Muslim country so we covered the pigs’ eyes. We usually do that for the International New York Times – also for pictures of cigarettes, weapons, guns and nude pictures.” (end quote) … Censorship is stupid in general, but how did they come up with that list of exactly 4 things?!? … Can everyone fill in the bubble under the one that doesn’t belong? Cigarettes, weapons, porn, Charlotte’s Web.

Weapons, cigarettes, and porn, eh? Like I said, huff, puff and blow.

Malaysian Printer puts black censor bars over pig’s faces. And yes, really: http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2014/jan/23/censorship-malaysia

And in “Rock out with your flock out” news tonight, we bring you the story of Allen Parker, a Virginia pastor who prefers to praise Jesus with his metronome swinging. Parker has invited his congregants to worship with him each Sunday in the nude, citing biblical justifications like the story of Adam and Eve and, I shit you not, the fact that Jesus was born naked.

But Jesus was born an atheist, so …

Guess he didn’t think of that. Parker, whose body is less of a temple and more of a stupa, explains that in his church (quote) “there’s not a feeling that you have to be better than one another, physically” (end quote), a point that he drives home by being as physically imperfect as one can be and still be ambulatory.

When they go to Waffle House after church, these must be the only Christians with a tip for the waitress.

And since they laid down the gauntlet when they named their church full of naked, pasty caucasians the “White Tail Chapel”, I say we up the ante. So 30 seconds on the clock, “Alternate Names for the Nudist Church”. Go!

The Assless Chapel

Nice. How about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Taints?

Home of the all-nude Mormon Flabernacle Choir

Motor Boat-re Dame

Well played – I was thinking … Scrotre Dame Cathedral: Let Your Buttresses Fly

Missionary Position Baptist

The Testi-Clesiastical Church: Baal’s Sack Religious

Baby Got Saddleback

Follow the fold … What about … Young Girth Creationists: Hung Wide Like Jesus

Saint Catheter’s Cathedral

Westminster Grabby

Well, St. Peter’s works already, but I’m gonna go with St. Peter’s Ba-silicone Implants.

Nudist church: http://www.atheistrepublic.com/news/church-promotes-nude-worship-because-jesus-was-born-naked

And finally tonight, in “Zoro-Astronaut” news, a fatwa committee in the United Arab Emirates has proclaimed it immoral and therefore illegal to travel to Mars. Because of all the immoral acts committed by Muslims, their ambitious, meteoric rise in the space travel community is clearly the most troubling.

In defense of the Islamic Space program, they’ve been trying to get bits and pieces of their followers into orbit for years.

According to Khaleej Times, the committee released the following statement: (quote) “Such a one-way journey poses a real risk to life, and that can never be justified in Islam. There is a possibility that an individual who travels to planet Mars may not be able to remain alive there, and is more vulnerable to death.” But the same could be said of New York City, for a Muslim immigrant, so …

No, the NYPD keeps a close eye on them… makes sure they’re safe.

I think the legislation needs some clarification. Will a Muslim wishing to kill himself on Mars still be required to purchase a round-trip ticket? Can he perform exorcisms on possessed Martian Unicorns? And as long as they’ve got that committee together, and they’ve already come out against the suicide part of suicide bombing … maybe go that extra mile. The bombing part is pretty bad too. Just saying.

Fatwa forbids Muslims from living on Mars: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/20/mars-fatwa_n_4823059.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

I guess we’ll have to close on that conundrum. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, Bitches!

And when we come back we’ll push the limits of how many things rhyme with Chronicle.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the few minutes we usually remember to set aside every month to talk up all the great atheist, skeptical and otherwise secular meetups going on around the country and around the world.

A lot of really good stuff coming up in the spring, so I’ll go quick:

Aron Ra; Matt Dillahunty and Seth Andrews are teaming up for the “Unholy Trinity Tour”; they’ll be in Amarillo on March 22nd, Albuquerque on May 3rd and San Antonio on June 28th. Hopefully they’ll be adding dates and venues, so we’ll try to keep you abreast of that.

http://unitedcor.org/nm/page/unholy-trinity-tour

For our British listeners, the AHS National Convention is coming up on the weekend of March 7th in London. AC Grayling and Simon Singh top a fantastic guest list.

http://ahsstudents.org.uk/convention/

Also ThinkCon is coming up on March 15th in Cambridge. The lineup is a great mix of comedians and science popularizers and the topics look fantastic.

http://thinkoutreach.org/ThinkCon/

Back in the states. Reasonfest welcomes Darrel Ray, Matt Dillahunty, Ed Brayton and many more to Lawrence, Kansas April 4th and 5th,

http://kusoma.org/reasonfest/

You’ve got Freethought Fest 3 coming up in Madison, Wisconsin April 11th to the 13th. Mythbuster and rationalist extraordinaire Adam Savage is gonna be there this year, which is pretty awesome.

http://freethoughtfestival.org/

But of course, I left out the biggest one of the season. And no, I’m not talking about the American Atheists National Convention in Salt Lake City on Easter weekend. http://www.atheists.org/convention2014

And I’m not talking about the Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism or “NECSS” going on April 12th and 13th in New York City. http://necss.org/necss-2014/schedule/

And I’m also not talking about QED in Manchester on the same weekend. https://qedcon.org/

All those are sure to be fantastic, but the one that the atheist world will be abuzz about is the inaugural ReasonCon in Hickory North Carolina on Saturday, May 3rd. They’re keynote speaker is Dr. Richard Carrier, (PhD); they’ve also got Tracie Harris of Atheist Experience fame, Cash and Love from the hilarious “Atheists on Air” podcast and more.

But perhaps least notably, they’re also the first secular convention that had the guts to invite Heath, Lucinda and myself so we’ll see if we can make ‘em regret that a little. That’s Saturday, May 3rd, it’s just outside of beautiful Asheville, North Carolina and it’s free

http://mythunderstoodalliance.com/announcing-reasoncon-free/

If you want more info, check the shownotes for episode 54 for links to the homepages of all of these events. If you’re involved with an atheist event that could use a free plug, let me know. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Poem:

2 Chronicles in Rhyme

Run and grab your monocles, it’s time to read 2 Chronicles,

The fucking thing’s canonical, so we have to read it through.

The task is astronomical, ‘cause it just goes on and on, it’s bull,

So grab a gin and tonic-I’ll, hope that Adam Sandler doesn’t sue.

So when we finished with First Chronicles, David’s kingship was phenomenal,

But now he’s up and gone and all, so Solomon ascends.

He was wise and philosophical, with a penchant to be prodigal,

So he built a house for God with all, the golden odds and ends.

The dedication was symphonical, with musicians all harmonical

It was downright histrionical; it could not be overstated.

But I find it quite ironical, that they praise him as so logical,

His designs weren’t economical, even the gold there was gold plated.

He soon became iconical, so the queen of Sheba thought it optimal

To see if god remembered anatomical, when selecting what to bless.

So she got all theosophical, and he was cooler than a popsicle.

Was the visit conjugal? Well that’s anybody’s guess.

Rehoboam’s reign was volatile, there was rift damn near tectonic-You’ll,

See the fights were periodic ‘til, the whole kingdom split apart.

Then Abijah got sardonical, and god goes pathological,

He gets divinely gastronomical and kills a million with his fart.

So we’ll keep things chronological, Asa died for trusting hospitals,

Jehoshaphat was nominal, and Ahaziah’s reign was short,

Then his mother went psychotic-All, the heirs were killed methodical,

And though he was nearly embryonic, (a l)ittle kid took royal court.

Amaziah was hedonic, y’all, Uzziah’s death was comical

Ahaz was demonical, Hezekiah had the blues.

Through a devout and patriotic, stall, he slowed the diabolical,

but inevitable obstacle, that would exile all the Jews.

So that’s my poem for Second Chronicles; Sorry it got so neological,

But I’m not hooked on phonics so I’ll, Just say I’ve done my due.

Now my bong needs marijuana, call it dank or hydroponic, hell,

At this point just narcotic’ll be enough to get me through.

Bible Story:

“Run grab the young-uns, folks. It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for Kids!”

Gather round boys and girls! Today we’re gonna open our Bibles up to Second Samuel and meet one of the Bible’s most powerful superheroes. Did you know that the Bible had superheroes, boys and girls?

Does it have Spiderman?

No, but some of the superheroes in the bible are even more powerful than Spiderman.

Does it have Batman?

No, because Batman is a lecherous heathen bound for an eternal torment in hell.

Does it have Superman?

Only according to Zac Snyder. But today we’re gonna talk about a different superhero. One that you probably never heard of before. Today we’re gonna talk about Elisha.

Was he bitten by a radioactive spider?

No, Elisha was bitten by a radioactive god. He was the disciple of another biblical superhero named Elijah and they weren’t gay lovers, even though the bible kind of makes it sound like they were.

Elijah was very powerful, but one day he died and god decided to give all his superpowers to Elisha. What’s more, god decided to give Elisha even more superpowers.

Could he fly?

No, but he could part rivers like Moses. He could make a normal spring into a magical healing well and he could cause whole plains to flood when he came across thirsty horses.

Did he have laser vision?

No, but he could strike people blind and he could heal blind people. And he could turn one loaf of bread into a lot of loaves.

Did he have a cybernetic suit with laser guns and missiles?

No, but he could make a little bit of oil turn into a lot of oil and he could bring people back from the dead. And if that’s not enough, he could also makes axe-heads float.

Did he fight crime?

Yes he did. Loitering, to be exact. You see, one day Elisha was walking by a group of kids not much older than you and they were loitering. What’s worse, they were also picking on Elisha for being bald.

My mommy says when people call you names, you should walk away.

And that’s exactly what Elisha did. He walked away… and then used his god powers to summon a few bears to take horrible, bloody vengeance on the kids by ripping their arms and legs off and devouring their torsos while they bled to death screaming in horrible agony.

Because remember, boys and girls, sticks and stones might break your bones, but bears will fucking kill you.

The End.

Outro:

Before we put her in park for the night, I wanted to congratulate our friends over at Secular (dot) FM who raised over two grand for the Foundation Beyond Belief last weekend during their marathon 24 hour live broadcast. And if you’d like to help add to that February total, you’ll find a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.

Donate to the FBB: http://foundationbeyondbelief.org/

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. We all got to be podcast whores this week so there’s plenty of us to go around. Heath and I did a guest spot with Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show, Bill and Suzy invited Lucinda and me onto the latest episode of Bar Room Atheists and, of course, all three of us appeared in fits and starts on the most recent episode of the Holy Crap video cast; you’ll find links to all three on the shownotes as well.

Imaginary Friends Show: http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/02/22/ifs-170-nice-fantastic/

Bar Room Atheists: http://barroomatheist.podbean.com/

Holy Crap! Vlogcast: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGiA6ZwdeLM

And as if that’s not enough, you can also find all over social media. Be sure to check us out on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and subscribe to us on YouTube. If you’re feeling generous with your time, please take a minute to give us a glowing review on iTunes and if you haven’t checked out Stitcher yet, download the free app, listen to us there and add us to your favorites.

Of course, we can’t close things out without thanking Heath for taking time out of his enervating sex life to join us tonight. Huge thanks to Lucinda for yet another hilarious Bible story and a big thanks to the prodigal daughter and extremely patient Farnsworth quoter tonight, Tiny Tribble. She doesn’t have a blog or anything and I already promoted her dad’s vlogcast twice in this episode, so I’ll just use this time to thank everyone that’s sent us a Farnsworth quote in the past and is wondering if we’ll ever use it. Believe me, I really appreciate it and I’m using them more or less in the order they were received.

But of course, most of all I need to shower praise upon this week’s most exceptional hominids, Sakura, Jennifer, James, Cameron, Andrew, Michael, Cat, Richard, Joanna, Caroline, other Richard and Cherie. Sakura and Jennifer, whose ninjutsu has saved the American coast from more than one hurricane; James and Cameron, who aren’t the dude who made Avatar so I’m still waiting on a refund for that; Andrew and Michael, whose massive cocks will one day unlock the key to space elevator construction; Cat and Richard, whose gravitas compels dogshit to move out of the way of their shoes; Joanna and Caroline, whose wisdom makes Solomon look like a baby-bifurcating bozo; and Richard and Cherie, whose brilliance is so evident that statues are being carved in advance of their historical accomplishments..

This dynamic dozen donors, known throughout the interwebs as the Twelve Apostates, have proved the depth of their apostasy this week by giving us money. Only the most valiant, noble, silky smooth atheists have the disbelief it takes to give us money, but if you think you can handle the praise, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, donating to our show is like sex; the more practice you get, the better it feels. So if you’ve donated to the show in the past, please consider doing it again; this time I’ll swallow.

Episode 53 – Partial Transcript

February 20, 2014 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

GUEST LINKS:

The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe Homepage

The Skeptics’ Guide YouTube Channel

Homepage for NECSS (Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism)

Warning: This podcast contains Heath Enwright

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sharia Law & Order: Sinful Victims Unit.

In the Islamic Justice System, female victims of sexually based offenses are considered especially culpable. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious women are an elite squad known as the Sinful Victims Unit. These are their stories.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 20th,

And now that Paul Walker’s dead, his roles will be played by Aaron Paul – aka the “Miracle on Ice”

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from the city that never sleeps, New York, New York

And the city that never flosses, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode

We’ll open with a series of bullet points,
We’ll get through a snake-handler story with no masturbation jokes,
And Jay Novella joins us share non-culinary advice for atheist parents

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I was accused in an email exchange the other day of “hating religious people”. And I was about to email back that “I don’t hate religious people, I hate religion”… but I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to be dishonest. I do hate religious people.

But it’s not because they’re religious… it’s because they’re people.

Think about the copious amounts of ass that people suck. I hate most of them. And I’d guess that about 80% of the people I hate are religious. And 2% of them are atheists. And 18% of them are spiritual, agnostic or “other”.

The whole notion that the atheist movement hates religious people is even stupider than the assertion that atheists hate god. Religion is an oppressive force and it harms religious people a hell of a lot more than atheists. I’m in no danger of foregoing life saving medicine and opting for prayer. I’m in no danger of being swindled by a preacher. I’m in no danger of being butt-raped by a Catholic Priest… well, no, I guess we all are, but I’m in a low-risk demographic at least. But the whole premise is asinine. It’s like saying abolitionists were motivated by their hatred of slaves.

Of course, this came about in one of those stupid “How can religion be bad if so-and-so exists?” arguments So-and-so being, of course, some morally incorruptible person. And whether the example is Martin Luther King, Jr. or the sweet old lady across the street, it’s no less stupid an argument. Lucinda and I have a couple of neighbors that are as nice as two people can be, except the fact that they disowned their son for being gay.

And sure, they’d run into a burning building for us, they’d donate a lung for us, they’d fight off a pack of she-bears for us, but does that make homophobia any less egregious? Does the fact that the axe murdered also fed stray cats a reason to go easy on axe-murdering? And if good religious people mean that religion is good, what the hell do bad religious people mean?

But there’s more wrong with this argument than it’s simple failure to sequit. I’ll give you a great example in the form of my landlord.

The dude is as nice as anybody you can imagine. Seventy two years old, spry, intelligent, he’s got a good sense of humor and he’s quick to hurry over and fix shit that goes wrong, provided it doesn’t do so on the Lord’s day. He’s super-religious and it would be physically impossible to dislike him.

The other day I was talking to him and he brought up his church which he is often wont to do. He had a bit of a sunburn going and when I asked him about it he said he got it mowing the lawn at his church. The two acres around this church. That a seventy-two year old man is mowing for no compensation. And why, pray tell, is the old man mowing the lawn? Well, the church was concerned with their finances and they feared they could no longer afford the monthly landscaper’s fees. And they figured that Jesus would really appreciate it if somebody volunteered to mow that giant-ass shadeless lawn once a week under the unforgiving South Georgia sun.

But it’s not that they were taking advantage of him. Au contraire. He understood how important it was. Why, unless somebody donated their labor to the church lawn, they wouldn’t be able to send any money to the Southern Baptist Convention.

So the church is sending a septuagenarian out to mow their lawn so they can properly fund an anti-gay hate-group that was founded on White Supremacy and only got around to apologizing for that shit in the mid-nineties. How moral of them.

So no, I don’t hate religious people… at any higher rate than I hate non-religious people. And I’d even go so far as to say I can prove it. If I really hated religious people and I really wanted to stick it to them, I’d stop doing this show, I’d just shut up about atheism and I’d let the church have ‘em.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is Olympic Vanadium Medalist Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to go for the Chromium?

Hey, don’t knock Vanadium. It has the highest melting point of any period 4 transition metal.

Take that titanium!

In our lead story tonight, Australian chemist Simon Horsfall is slipping disapproving notes into the package when he sells oral contraception to those customers of his pharmacy that don’t share his Catholic beliefs. In other news, Australian pharmacists mistakenly refer to themselves as “chemists”. They count pills, and collect people’s money every week. They have the same skill set as a drug dealer. They’re not exactly inventing new plastics for NASA.

This actually explains why the Australian Space Agency is still lagging so far behind Latvia. Reminds me of those Fosters commercials. You show an uppity fucker eyeing me suspiciously when buy syringes for my diabetic cat and it says “Chemist” and then it shows a cheap can of carbonated dingo piss and it says “Beer”… but it’s Australian so it’s three syllables long and they never quite get to the “R”….

Here’s a statement from the (air quote) “chemist” (end air quote), who’s been writing self-righteous notes like this for 12 years: (real quote) ”It’s about integrity – if you say one thing and do something else, that is hypocrisy. We practise what we preach.” (end real quote) … First of all, ‘practice’ doesn’t have an ‘S’ … It has a ‘C’ … Second, he doesn’t practeeze what he preaches at all. He’s been making money selling contraceptives for at least 12 years!!! He’s going to hell, and he’s talking about integrity and avoiding hypocrisy?!?

It’s more like hypocrisy squared. “I’m against this, but I’m gonna profit off of it, but I’m gonna call you an asshole for giving me your money.”

I’m willing to consider the merits of both sides of the abortion issue. But contraception?!? Wearing a cross around your neck is pretty good contraception. Money shots are contraception. It was happening before condoms, just not well. So like it or not – and whether or not one particular outer-suburban pharmacy (slash) Pfizer Lab in Australia approves – widespread availability of real contraceptives is one of the greatest public health accomplishments of the last century.

Yes, I think it’s time we moved beyond the “orgasms are evil” doctrine.

Australian Pharmacist puts disapproving note in every bottle of contraceptives: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/take-note-this-chemist-disapproves-of-contraceptives-20140213-32jz1.html

And in “god forsakes the flakes who partake in the shaking of snakes” news tonight, Kentucky pastor and squamate appetizer Jamie Coots died of stupidity last Saturday after being gnawed on by a venomous rattlesnake. Coots is part of the Darwinian oversight known as “Snake handlers”, a group of Pentecostals who believe that god is the only anti-venom they need, despite the extraordinarily high rate at which their pastors demonstrate otherwise.

It’s literally gotten to the point that if this happens again next week, we’d almost have to skip the story out of boredom. Maybe we just do occasional segments when zero Pentecostal preachers committed suicide by serpent venom that week.

Yeah, snake handlers have been done to death at this point. Coots was bitten during a Saturday night service but rather than seek medical attention for the treatable but otherwise mortal wound, he instead opted for the “Jesus take the presynaptic neurotoxin” approach and treated the bite by laying on his couch and praying… even after EMTs showed up at his home and offered him real-universe medicine.

It’s a good thing I’m not an ambulance guy. I would have made a joke about it being “Pastor Expiration Date.”

Yeah, your sense of humor might not work well in any emergency medical profession. Now, if the name Jamie Coots sounds familiar, it’s because be discussed this celebrity death-pool lock back on episode 27 of this show when National Geographic tapped him to star in their visual testament to faith-inspired idiocy “Snake Salvation”. Nat Geo has issued an apology and vows to replace the show next season with more responsible programs like “Cutting Yourself for Jesus” and “Rabbi Rosenbaum’s Wide World of Long Distance Circumcisions”.

Yet another snake handling preacher killed by… wait for it… snakes: http://www.wbir.com/story/news/local/2014/02/16/pastor-dies-after-snake-he-was-handling-bit-him/5529907/

And from the “Not in Ken’s Ass Anymore” file, the state House of Representatives in Kansas has overwhelmingly approved Jim Crow Laws for gay people. Proponents of the legislation seem to feel this is necessary to facilitate a smooth transition to humanhood for the queers, following their recent liberation from slavery in the state. An existing gay resident can be grandfathered in for full humanhood right away, however he may be required to prove his grandfather was gay.

Which sucks for straight Kansas grandfathers. What a dilemma; “Hey grandpa, they’ll let me use hospitals and pharmacies, but only if you’ll go down the county registrars office and gobble some cock.”

Should the bill be signed into law, gay couples could legally be denied service absolutely anywhere, and if gays are permitted inside buildings at all, I’m certain they’ll be required to use the rear entrance, which is really just an exit for everyone else. (…) I guess this must be the Christian response to the hordes of gay couples in the Bible Belt, who were ruining public parks for everyone else, with lewd displays of deep-throating water fountain spigots? …

Shit yeah, the “Spite a bigot, blow a spigot” campaign. Of course, it’s worth noting that the leader of the state senate has already come out and said that there’s no way in hell they’re gonna pass this thing, but the fact that Kansas is trying to compete with Russia and Uganda when it comes to legislative gay-bashing is still newsworthy.

And just to be perfectly clear, this would allow a public hospital to refuse treatment, or a police officer to refuse policing, as long as the homophobes make their decision “based on a sincerely held religious belief”. Lucky for anyone in Kansas with the sincerely held belief that hateful assholes should be brutally tortured for even suggesting this – they should soon be able to carry out their vigilante water-boarding spree of religious zealots with full impunity.

Kansas gay segregation: http://www.ryot.org/kansas-tries-implement-anti-gay-segregation/571197 <<and>> http://www.kansascity.com/2014/02/13/4822324/senate-balks-at-kansas-religious.html

And from the “Keystone Caliphate” file tonight, a suicide bombing instructor in Iraq shook up this year’s Darwin Award standings last week during an accidental pop quiz. While demonstrating how to kill oneself and a score of bystanders, Professor Aggressor the Lesser accidentally killed himself and a score of bystanders.

This does shake up the Darwin standings, but I’d say the bystanders are at the top of the list. If there’s anyone dumber than a suicide bomber conducting a demonstration, it’s the people who showed up for the demonstration. That’s the sort of meeting you might want to Skype in.

In addition to the instructor, twenty-one students were killed, 15 pupils were wounded, 8 militants were arrested and 1,548 virgins were very disappointed. The instructor’s name was not released but Iraqi officials say he is a well-known terrorist recruiter who will forever be remembered for his poignant last words; “whatever you do, never do this.”

Instructor accidentally blows up a class full of suicide bombing students: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/11/world/middleeast/suicide-bomb-instructor-accidentally-kills-iraqi-pupils.html?_r=0

That’s why you never buy your bomb fuses at the Acme Store. Moving on to “Sacred Cowboys” news: UConn’s new assistant football coach Ernest Jones has resigned, immediately following controversy surrounding his violation of the university policy that says you can’t preach about Jesus while you’re working. Jones, as well as head coach Bob Diaco, were both hired from Notre Dame, which would be impressive 30 years ago. In 2014, all it tells me is that Mantai Teo’s imaginary friend delusions make a lot more sense.

In an “immaculate deception” sort of way…

Among other useless coaching methods, Jones told players that football wouldn’t exist without the Christian lord and savior, and that Jesus belongs in the huddle, even though that’s obviously a 5-yard penalty.

Twelve disciples in the huddle, yeah.

So, in honor of the newly resigned (read about to be fired) Jones … Let’s put 30 seconds on the clock … “Failed Religious Sports Teams” … GO!!!

Notre Dame!

Well played! But I was thinking more like … JC Milan … Re-Allah Madrid … Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark

If we’re allowing movies about failed religious sports teams, then my answer is Rudy.

Well played again! But I mean like … The Nashville Sexual Predators … The Dallas Plow Boys

Sounds like they play in “A Catholic League of Their Own” …

Ok I Iike the movie titles … Let’s roll with it … What about “Million Dollar Baby Jesus”?

Original Cinderella Man

Papal Bull Durham

Parting the Red Seabiscuit

Any Given Sunday School

Bang the Kids Slowly?

King of Kingpins

Judas Iscariots of Fire

Semi-Pro Life

Raging Bullshit

The Fast Boy Scout

Or Run Altarboy Run. Either way, the priest ends up with Varsity Blue-Balls.

Bad New Prayers Don’t Work

Christian asshole resigns from assistant football coach position at UConn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/18/uconn-assistant-football-coach-who-said-jesus-christ-should-be-in-the-center-of-our-huddle-resigns

They don’t. And I think that’s actually as good a point to close on as any we’ve made. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, Jay Novella from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe will be here to Skeptically Guide us through the Universe.

Outro:

Before we dismiss the royal guard tonight I wanted to make everybody aware of a very cool fundraiser that our friends at Secular (dot) FM are putting together. They’re doing a 24 hour live broadcast to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief. It’s running all day this Sunday, the 23rd, starting and ending at midnight. Tanner Campbell, Mark Nebo and David Viviano are hosting the thing and they’ve got a list of guests that makes me drool: Dale McGowan, Seth Andrews, Shelley Segal, JT Eberhard, DJ Grothe, Jessica Ahlquist, Jerry DeWitt, Dave Muscato… and I’m seriously just scratching the surface.

I’d strongly encourage you to check it out; it should be a lot of fun and it’s for a good cause. You’ll find links to more info on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/secularprogramming

I also wanted to apologize for the 2 Chronicles poem getting bumped again but we needed the time for the interview. I promise it’ll be on next week’s show.

And, of course, I need to give Jay another big thanks for coming on the show. Very awesome guy, super passionate about what he does and one of the real pioneers of podcasting so thrilled to have him on. I also need to thank Heath for his indefatigable sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up tonight and I need to thank Matt from Chicago for his awesome Farnsworth quote (slash) Cafepress plug (slash) rape joke.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most prestigious paragons of personhood, Thomas, Tim, Brad, Tyler, Kenny, Shelby, Vinnie, Geoff, April, Leo, Wayne, Liam, Richard and Tom. Thomas and Tim, whose reflexes and strength are so great they could be empowered by radioactive spiders and not notice; Brad and Tyler, whose levers are long enough for Archimedes if we could just find the fulcrum; Kenny and Shelby, the Wonder Twins of atheism, except that neither of them has a power that sucks compared to the other one; Vinnie and Geoff, who are hot enough to melt vanadium; April and Leo, who are so awesome they named a month and a sign of the zodiac after them; Wayne and Liam, whose attractiveness holds the key to zero point energy; and Richard and Tom, who have to turn away more pussy than a Friskies audition.

These fourteen upright, upstanding, uproarious, uplifting individuals have proved their up-ness this week by giving us money. Only the most atheistic of all atheists have the atheism it takes to give us money, but if you think you disbelieve in god enough, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And remember, size matters. Help us grow our social media presence by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, subscribing to us on YouTube and circling us or whatever on that Google one. And rate us on iTunes and favorite us on Stitcher and subscribe to our blog and Jesus I’m needy.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Bob Diaco, Ernest Jones, Heath Enwright, Jamie Coots, jay novella, Noah Lugeons, Sharia Law and Order, Simon Horsfall, skeptics guide to the universe, snake handling

Episode 52 – Partial Transcript

February 13, 2014 Noah Lugeons 4 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the show due to time consraints

Link to Episode

Warning: Shit happens and then you die.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nazi Surplus wholesaler, Holo-Costco.

So head on down if you’re looking for a great deal on an entire vat of vintage childrens’ sneakers or perhaps a lampshade that’s a sure conversation starter. Mention this add and a get a free gold tooth with every purchase.

Holo-Costco: Because we like to weed out the easily offended early in the show.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 13th,

And Arab in the new Black

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from “six to twelve white inches for a change” New York, New York

And “from six to twelve whites per trailer” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode

Tel Aviv archaeologists date camels,
We’ll piss off Chinese midgets,
And Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a better sequel than 2 Chronicles

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

I haven’t changed my mind. Bill Nye shouldn’t have used his celebrity to raise money for the Creationism Museum. Yes, it was fun to watch Ken Ham get his ass kicked like a Bronco, but Ham is more than willing to publicly humiliate himself and his religion for money; as his entire career demonstrates; so he doesn’t care that he lost. He got to stand across the stage from a respected member of the scientific community and make-believe creationism was rational. And he made money.

Some people have argued that it was worth the fleeting financial gain to Ham’s enterprise if it gave Nye a chance to drop some science on those idiots. And I suppose I’d agree that even if he swayed a couple of people to look into the facts, that goes along ways towards offsetting the promotional end of it. But it’s also pretty easy to argue that he could have dropped all the science on them and it still wouldn’t have mattered.

As exhibit A, I’ll offer the ubiquitous meme of the 22 post-debate creationists with their crayon-scrawled “questions for evolutionists”. Some dude caught a bunch of drooling nincompoops on the way out of the debate and gave them a pen and paper to write out the questions they had for “evolutionists” after hearing Nye’s position. So this is after Nye dropped the science.

And their inquiries are so stupid the question mark looks embarrassed to be there. I’m talking “Why are there still monkeys?” stupid. I’m talking “It’s just a theory” stupid. One of the people actually asked “If there’s no god, how do you explain a sunset?”

I challenge you to construct a dumber question. Where the fuck else would the sun go? Without god we’re tidally locked all of a sudden? Does she know about the Google? Is this some subset of the “tides come in, tides go out” paradox? What the fuck is the difference between “Without god, how do you explain a sunset?” and just “How do you explain a sunset?” And, by implication, does she think the correct answer to that question is “Magic space wizard”?

Now, to be fair, not all of the questions were that stupid. Well, they were all that stupid, but some of them were a totally different kind of stupid. Some of them didn’t demonstrate a lack of knowledge; but rather they reflected an abundance of wrong knowledge. Clearly some of these people were reading books and learning facts, but the books were by creationists and the facts were bullshit. And their questions demonstrated the kind of idiocy you have to earn; something I like to call “Motivated Stupidity”.

The lady who was wondering how sunsets could be pretty if there was no baby Jesus is just regular stupid and that means enough Bill Nye debates might be able to cure her. But the people who were claiming that the second law of thermodynamics disproves evolution had clearly done just enough research to reinforce their stupidity. The idea that a bunch of creationist hick from Kentucky are gonna lecture the “evolutionists” on the laws of thermodynamics is priceless. But if you pointed out that the law of entropy applies to a closed system and there’s a sun, it’s not like they would change their minds. They’d just go to the Answers in Genesis website for some new stupid, some better stupid.

It’s these frustrating fuck fluids that lead so many of us to give up on believers. They’ve got their conclusion and they’re sticking with ‘em, damn it. And if you can arm them with a sentence with a few hyperpolysyllabic words they don’t understand in it and tell them it proves god, they’ll cling to it like a louse on Ken Ham’s beard.

Think about the level of commitment this kind of stupidity takes. Oh, the laws of thermodynamics don’t support the bible? Well then I don’t believe in the laws of thermodynamics then. What? Carbon dating disproves creationism? Well then I don’t believe in the constant decay rate of Carbon-14 atoms. What? Rocks disprove creationism? Well then I don’t believe in rocks, either. What? The bible itself disproves a literal interpretation of the bible? Well then “la-la-la I can’t hear you!”

You know, there was a time when I could forgive this shit. If you had religious parents and religious teachers and the churches controlled what was available at the library and the bookstore and the movie theater and the local TV stations, creationism might actually seem tenable. And I’m not talking about the middle ages here; I’m talking about growing up in a small southern town in the nineties. But there’s an internet out there now. All the information is there for anybody who wants it. In today’s world, in every country where you could possibly download this podcast, ignorance is a choice.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is guy who insults blacks and Jews a lot, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to do something about this racism issue?

Ok, in the spirit of fairness … I know I said last week that Asian jokes can be a slippery slope … however … I was watching “The Wizard of Oz” … and I would absolutely LOVE to watch a Chinese midget struggle to sing “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” … Blacks? Jews? You guys back on board with me now?

Excellent. That should stop the emails… because Chinese midgets can’t reach the keyboard. In our lead story tonight, archaeologists from Tel Aviv University have proved that fucking camels isn’t as old a profession as the popular adage would imply. They did some more of that science that Jesus hates so much and demonstrated definitively that camels weren’t domesticated until around 900 bce. According to certain sacred texts that serve as the foundation of three of the world’s largest religions (that shall remain nameless), Abraham was using camels as pack animals a millennium before that.

This could be the first of many dominoes. Maybe we’ll eventually find other things in the Bible that are also scientifically wrong. Who knows?

Yeah, surprise, surprise, Ken Ham was wrong. Not exactly headline news, but what makes this one interesting is that it also shows that the people writing the stuff about Moses and Abraham and David were doing so centuries after it happened. So long after it happened that contemporary camel-tech was just assumed.

I can see the mistake they made. Those weren’t camels that Abraham had. They were small, hairy, humped velociraptors.

Radiocarbon dating of camel bones proves bible to be bullshit: http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/02/06/camel-bones-suggest-error-in-bible/

And from the “You Keep Spelling Moron Wrong” file, a British Magistrate has issued a summons ordering the President of the Church of Latter Day Saints to appear in a British Court and prove that Mormonism isn’t a load of shit.

If he needs an expert to argue on his behalf, I hear Ken Ham is looking for work.

The plaintiff in the case is former Mormon Bishop Tom Phillips, who alleges that he can prove in court that at least seven of the core teachings of the church are false, that the president of the church knows that they’re false, and that he continues to teach them in order to keep people tithing. If you take the word “religion” out of it, this is a clear cut case of fraud, but since we can’t take that word out, people… even people in the atheist movement… are acting like this is outlandish. Because they’re a religion. They’re supposed to defraud.

Religion is definitely the world’s most successful sleazy salesman. “I’ll pay you Tuesday at your funeral, for a hamburger today.” … Seems like starting with Mormonism is a little arbitrary, but it’ll be nice to see all the other churches get their summons soon.

The key to this case is the fact that the Mormon church teaches that you can only go to the good heaven if you’re in the inner circle and you can only be in the inner circle if you tithe ten percent of your income. So basically they hold your soul hostage for cash and that differentiates them from most major religions.

Oh okay good. Starting with Mormon’s isn’t arbitrary. But all the other religions are still next, right? Holding your soul hostage with vaguely defined donation levels for indulgences is just about equally “giant global fraud”, isn’t it?!?

Well we probably won’t find out because obviously the dude isn’t gonna show up at this hearing, but if he does, and the magistrate has him crucified, and he rises again three days later… I could see myself wearing magical underwear.

British Court orders Mormon rep to “prove it” http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/02/05/mormon-church-uk_n_4729050.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

And in “Eternal Soul Food” news, a private Christian high school in California decided to celebrate Black History Month by having the cafeteria serve fried chicken, cornbread, and watermelons. It isn’t clear whether this was just normal white ignorance, or if it was an homage to professional golfer and infamous racist Fuzzy Zoeller, who suggested Tiger Woods would celebrate winning The Masters the same way, but also with collard greens.

Yeah, a public outcry forced them to abandon the Paula Deen menu after the first day, which sucks for the students because Tuesday was gonna be grape soda and crack.

Obviously racism can happen, with or without religion. But religion certainly doesn’t fucking help. ‘God said so’ is just about the only way to trick huge groups into extreme overzealous bigotry. Nobody would be waging centuries of war, if it was a science museum on the Temple Mount. The larger issue here is that homogenous brainwashed communities of ignorant sheep, who are force-fed lessons about social justice from books full of slavery and tribal ethnic cleansing … Believe or not, that’s bad for society.

And it’s hard to imagine something like this happening in a public school because public schools don’t have white lunch ladies.

So I’m wondering what the ‘accidental racists at best’ found too offensive. What did they brainstorm, that didn’t quite make the final cut for the menu? And I guess that means we should segue straight to 30 seconds on the clock for “Food Items for the Racist Cafeteria” … GO!!!

Master Race-in Bran

Isn’t that what those communion wafers are made of? Sounds like one of those eugenically modified cereals … Like “Special KKK”

Or Thousand Year Reich Krispies.

What else do racists eat for breakfast? … Eggs Florentine Pregnancy? Mango Unchained? White Power Bars?

Pox in a Blanket? I don’t know… I’ve got nothing else for breakfast. Can we switch to the lynch menu?

If it’s lynch time, we can start drinking … Certain racist bartenders refer to a pina colada made with Hennessy as “Nig Nog”.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends are racist bartenders, but that’s over the line.

How about Chicken Swas-Tikka?

Or maybe Chicken Sa-Tay Sachs?

With a side of Garlic Nazis

Concheddarate Fondu: A melting pot of white cheese only …

Spicy version known as Salsa Con K-K-Queso

How about the… wait, would the placebos they used in the Tuskegee Experiment count?

Separate But Equal brown sugar pill substitute: The stuff you swallow that doesn’t give syphilis to blacks.

Christian school apologizes for “Black History Month” lunch menu: Fried Chicken, cornbread and watermelons: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wwjtd/2014/02/christian-school-principal-nancy-libby-apologizes-for-racist-lunch-menu/

And finally tonight, in “Pot Calling the Kettle a Pot” news, Pat “The Fags Are Out to Kill You With Their AIDS” Robertson has asked Ken Ham to stop making Christianity look stupid.

You know what else is making Christianity look stupid? … There’s this book … I forget thit title, but Ken Ham mentioned it several times during the debate. And it’s pretty stupid, whether or not you add up the years in the book correctly, and whether or not Amish Wolverine, leader of the X-Mennonites stops embarrassing himself.

In response to Ham’s recent drubbing at the hands of an old, skinny dude in a bowtie, Robertson concluded that young earth creationism was, in Robertson’s own words, “nonsense” and implored Ham to (quote) “come off of that stuff and say this isn’t possible” (end quote) preferring that he stick to “possible” stuff like sweaters being haunted by demons and pact-with-the-devil seismology.

Get your fictions straight, Ken Ham!!! The Old Testament is historical fiction. The New Testament is observational fiction. So you can’t just add the years up using math.

Pat Robertson implores Ken Ham not to make Christianity look foolish: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/02/05/pat-robertson-implores-creationist-ken-ham-to-shut-up-lets-not-make-a-joke-of-ourselves/#.UvLFIur6LtE.twitter

And on that sage-like advice, we’ll close the headlines. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Messiah-nara, bitches.

And when we come back Lucinda will help us try to find funny shit to say about this boring assed bible.

A Love Song for the Scientifically Literate

When I look into your eyes my heart don’t… skip a beat.

And if it did, I’d be concerned, that I had heart disease,

Maybe premature ventricular contractions, also known as PVCs.

And I’d probably have to see a cardiologist;

Might need some kind of timer in my chest.

When I look into your eyes the earth don’t… cease to spin. (It’s…)

Good cause it it did, we’d be all fly east at sixteen miles a minute,

And a day would last a year, And both the poles would flood as a supercontinent

Around the now-spherical earth’s equator would arise;

So I wouldn’t be allowed to look you in the eyes.

Let’s just set aside those things that we can’t prove;

I’ll tell you I love you using scientific truth,

Forget about those cliche romantic lies,

And I’ll just say I love to look into your eyes.

When I look into your eyes the room don’t… spin around

And if did, every time I saw you, I’d need a second to lie down.

Think of all the things we’d want to do that this condition would confound,

Plus chronic vertigo could also be a sign,

My vestibular system’s in decline.

When I Iook into your eyes, serotonin is released within my brain;

A monoamine neurotransmitter derived from tryptophan,

5-HT receptors trigger an intracellular second messenger cascade;

And then a host of other hormones get involved,

It’s how attachment in our species has evolved.

It doesn’t have to be some esoteric thing;

Love is love and that’s enough to make me sing.

So set aside all those cliche romantic lies,

I simply love to look into your eyes.

Babble (2 Chronicles):

Ah, Second Chronicles; a book that fails to be the most boring thing I’ve ever read only because it immediately follows First Chronicles. If the earlier historical books are like watching paint dry, Chronicles is like watching dry paint. It continues the monotonous task of retelling the retelling of the pre-exilic kingdom of Israel.

They really scramble to shove some God into all the gaps in the story, don’t they? …

“Second Chronicles: Rewriting history – this time with 50% more God.” …

The precursor to FOX News, right here in this book!!!

You’ve hit upon my dad’s only two sources of information. And joining us for the Holy Babble tonight is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, what did you think of this one?

Ugh… I feel like I flunked Samuel and Kings and had to take them again.

You’re always so negative about this. Start us off positive… ease us into the suck.

What I like about 2 Chronicles is it really fills in the blanks on the last four books. Let me give you an example. In chapter one you learn that Solomon became king and asked god for wisdom. And we already learned that in Kings, but in Kings you’re just left wondering how many chariots the dude had. In 2 Chronicles it finally fills that in for us.
1. Hell, it even tells you where he imported his chariots from and how much they cost so I guess the Christians were right. All the answers are in here somewhere.
And then we go straight to the temple building again. And you’ve gotta wonder how bitchy Solomon was with his labor orders. “I said 80,000 stone cutters! Not 80,009!”
1. Also, I found this interesting. 2 Chronicles, chapter two, verse five. Solomon is talking about his temple, he want King Huram to give him wood and he says, “The house that I am about to build will be great, for our god is greater than other gods.” So they sucked at monotheism back then.

And what were they even trying to mean?!? Other gods are semi-potent? They can do everything except beat Jew God with a light sabre?

–
Yeah, the temple was solid gold, the fixtures were solid gold, the shit-trowels were solid gold and they had a pretty sweet hot tub out front.

Oh right the golden baths for bronze showers … Public wash basins full of hot, stagnant, unchlorinated water for dirty desert people to freely exchange fecal matter. Basically steaming piles of shit, but with a larger water ratio.

Then they dedicate the temple with a bunch of singers, one hundred and twenty priests and a bucket full of blunts or something.
1. 2 Chronicles 5:14 “So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud; for the glory of the lord filled the house of god.” I’m surprised they didn’t go into detail about the solid gold bongs.

My translation was a little more porno. I think it said something like: “God came inside their lungs.” So he pulled an “Angry Dragon” on the priests. And I’d suggest that the uninitiated pause, and take a moment to google “Angry Dragon” so you can get the visual.
And make sure you have safe search off.

Then we get this bullshit revisionist dedication of the temple by Solomon. He’s saying “If there’s a drought hear our prayers; and if there’s a pestilence remember us; and if we have sinned against you forgive us; and if we piss you off so much that you allow a Babylonian king to exile us for generations forgive us eventually and let us come back.”
And it takes god a week and a half to get back to him, but when he does he tells Solomon that he’ll answer all his prayers just so long as everybody loves the shit out of him constantly forever.

“You too can get chosen, for only five easy payments of $99.95. And if you convert to Judaism in the next ten minutes, we’ll throw in a Slap Chop.”

Then Solomon heroically enslaves every non-Jew he can find.

Historically speaking … You think this stuff might lead to negative consequences for the Jews down the line??? Might come back and bite them in the asherah pole.

Then he fucks the queen of Egypt for some spices, Huram brings him some apes and some peacocks and then he dies.

And I’m not trying to be mean, but this book is stupid. Here’s the very last line of the chapter: “Solomon’s horses were imported from Egypt and from all other countries.” Just say “He didn’t import horses from nowhere.”

Rehoboam’s gets the kingdom and within a few days, he breaks it.
1. Interesting that even the bible seems to be anti-Israel at a certain point.
–
I kept expecting it to say “and are not the acts of all these dudes written in the book you just read?”
They keep upping god’s body count, too. In chapter thirteen he kills half a million Israelites because the Judeans are less goat-demony. If the death tolls keeps increasing at this rate, he’s gonna have to kill, like, 6 million Jews in the 1940s…

Or at least find a way to fake it, and get Israel back.

Well hold on, because in chapter 14 he ups his record by killing a million Ethiopians.
1. Well wait a second, though, because at best Ethiopians are worth half as much as Israelites…
2. Three fifths.

But it’s three fifths of a white Christian person, so let’s compromise, and call it four fifths of an Israelite.

And after that things are pretty okay for a few decades until…
Asa is king but then he get a disease (quote) “in his feet” and then dies because he had the audacity to turn to a physician instead of a priest.
1. Yeah, 2 Chronicles 16:12 is something no responsible adult would leave in their bible.

Right – Why go to a doctor, when you could go straight to the asshole who created diabetes?!?

Then we get Jehoshaphat, who got rid of the high places by apparently leveling the whole nation to precisely sea level.

And he killed all the tall people.

Then in chapter 18 of 2 Chronicles we get chapter 22 of 1 Kings.
1. Verbatim.
2. Damn near verbatim. The same goddamned chapter just hiding later in the book. They were just fucking around on the word count at this point.
Chapter 19 is actually just a secret code from God for investing in the stock market. If you use the code, and pray the right way, you’ll make millions. And if it doesn’t work, and you lose millions, other people will make millions. It’s a win-win.
Then we get the wrap up of the reign of King Jehoshaphat the pretty good.
Then Jehoram takes over, kills his brothers, makes high places and kills some Edomites, for which Elijah shows up and curses him with perpetual diarrhea.

That’s right – Important morality lesson here: “Don’t make things that exist in the height dimension, or a Jewish prophet will make you shit out your own colon.”

Then Ahaziah takes over and gets killed within a year.
1. His mom goes all psycho and starts killing everyone she can get her hands on, so her daughter stashes Joash in a nursery where her murderous mother can’t find him.
She reigns for a few years then they kill her with much pomp and circumstance.
…and is replaced by a seven year old.

Who they make the new king by pulling a Pussy Riot maneuver, and putting on an unsanctioned coronation concert in the temple.

-Then you get (Amaziah the Adequate)
-(Uzziah the Proud)
-(Jotham the Forgettable)
-(Ahaz the Really Awful)
-and (Hezekiah the Too-Little, Too-Late)
The kingdom’s gone to shit by the time Hezekiah shows up on the scene so we get this chapter where he’s running around Judah like a teenager trying to clean up all the party stuff before mom and dad get home.

The key is to shred the cigarette butts and joint roaches with the lawn mower.

–
Then some Assyrians show up and start talking shit about Jew god so he chops all their heads off with a sword and has the king’s sons assassinate him.
And then Manasseh, then Amon, then Josiah… Honestly, as I’m reading this thing I kept hoping the cats would puke on the carpet or something so I’d have to get up and clean it. This thing is a fucking chore. We all deserve a hug or something for this.

Will somebody … please … sacrifice their virgin daughter to a rapist mob or something, so we can make a fucking joke?!? Anything? No? Just another last-minute divine miracle-slaughter of another seemingly unbeatable rival tribe?

–
Josiah is a good king, in the sense that he doesn’t fall prey to the unforgivable sin of religious tolerance, but eventually he fucks with the wrong Egyptian and gets killed in battle.

These battles are a bunch of ancient tribal nerds that believed in magical spells. It must have looked like Live Action Role Playing, with people who truly thought they were divine priests, casting protection auras that do nothing, right before getting beheaded by a laughing Pre-Muslim.

And then in the last chapter they toss in the exile in Babylon like it’s an afterthought. And then they toss in King Cyrus freeing them in a two verse postscript.

How does Yahweh convince a king that doesn’t believe in him, to let all his slaves go back to Judah, without revealing the big secret that Jew God is the real one?!?

I was really disappointed by the end. Bill from Bar Room Atheists assured me that it ended with a car chase where a housewife in a dominatrix suit chases down her escaped teenage slave girl and then makes out with her to death. And it doesn’t. So hopefully he was thinking of Ezra.

And speaking of Bar Room Atheists, if Suzy is listening, we hope you’re feeling better sweetie. Huggles!

Oh, good call. You’re in our thoughts, which is what we atheists have instead of prayers.

So we’ll close on that and take a well earned couple of episodes off from biblical duties. Guy and gal, thanks for somehow continuing to push through.

Outro:

Before we pull the ripcord tonight I wanted to let everybody know that if they liked the song this week and would perhaps like to share it with their Valentine, I’ll have it on YouTube complete with lyrics a little later on today so feel free to share the love.

And in case you forgot, I was on the new podcast “Atheistically Speaking” the other day and apparently they split the interview into pieces. The first chunk of it came out this past Monday and I think the rest is slated for release the same day this episode airs so if you want more, there’s more. You’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

I also wanted to remind people that if we don’t get enough iTunes reviews every week I’m contractually obligated to kick a puppy and I don’t want that any more than you do, so be sure to swing over to iTunes and give us a five star review

I need to thank Heath for being a funny bastard, I need to thank Lucinda for suffering through yet another book of the bible while simultaneously acting as my perpetual muse. I also need to thank Zach from Iowa for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. Zach had nothing to plug so I’ll just use this time to remind everybody that Iowa isn’t as bad as you think it is.

But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most stunning examples of humanity, Brian, David, Dave, Andrew, Steven Hawking’s Wheelchair, DJ, Stephen, Robin, other Andrew and Laura. Brian, whose gargantuan penis has local gravity; David who makes Samson look like a pussy for needing that donkey jaw; Dave, who has taken over as our most generous donor of all time and deserves a gold medal and a hug; Andrew, who’s so bright he’s a leading cause for sudden retinal failure; Stephen Hawking’s Wheelchair, which, let’s face it, deserves way more of the credit for the ground-breaking physics than it gets; DJ, whose very name has become a prefix for “cool person that gets a lot of ass”; Stephen, whose cock is longer than a Peter Jackson flick; Robin, who’s so far above average they named a bird after her; other Andrew, whose compliment is separate, but equal to the first Andrew; and Laura, who’s so hot she can light a bong over Skype.

These ten exceptional exemplifications of excellence have provided joy to boys and girls all over the world by giving us money. Remember, according to noted junkie-photographer Chris Arnade, atheism is a luxury for the wealthy so if you don’t keep those donations rolling in, my broke ass will have to be religious at a certain point. So if you’d like to forestall that inevitable condition, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you wanted to wish Lucinda a happy anniversary tomorrow, you’ll find her on Facebook and Twitter, that’s LUCINDA LUGEONS.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Bill Nye, carbon dating camels, Heath Enwright, Holy Babble, holy bible, Ken Ham, Lucinda Lugeons, Noah Lugeons, Pat Robertson, racist lunch menu, Tom Phillips

Video Bible Stories Coming Soon

February 10, 2014 Noah Lugeons 7 comments

by Noah Lugeons

A while back I decided to start putting the diatribe from each week’s episode on YouTube as a way of spreading our content around a bit. And then I fell behind on it and then I got caught back up and then I fell behind again. And then I fell really far behind.

I’m back it catch-up mode now, but we’re still 18 episodes away from up to date and despite getting 4 of them up over the weekend, I fear I might have inadvertently delayed things when I put the last video up. Lucinda and I were chatting about potential YouTube videos and she was lobbying to put up the “Lucinda’s Bible Stories for Kids” segments.

As much as I liked the idea, I told her that if we were going to do that I’d want to do it with some artwork; a slideshow of story-book style drawings illustrating all the graphic horrors. And at about the same time, somebody who saw one of the new diatribe videos on YouTube tweeted us suggesting that we put Lucinda’s Bible Stories up with storybook illustrations. And that’s all the encouragement I needed.

So I went through the first Lucinda’s Bible Story (Lott’s Daughters; episode 20) and made some notes on what pictures we would need to make it happen. To do what I want I’m looking at about 48 sketches, all of them relatively simple stuff, so nothing that should take longer than a week. It might make it a bit tougher to get up to speed on all the diatribes, but I’m willing to bet it’ll be worth it.

As I was talking Lucinda through my concept, I drew a couple of samples to give her an idea the style of artwork I had in mind:

What you’re seeing here is, left to right, god, Lott with his two daughters and a hamster peeking out of someone’s ass. Why is there a picture of a hamster sticking out of someone’s ass? Well, that’s just one of the many reasons you should be looking forward to the finished project.

Categories: Random Tags: atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, lucindas bible stories for kids

Episode 51 – Partial Transcript

February 6, 2014 Noah Lugeons 3 comments

by Heath Enwright, Noah Lugeons and Cecil & Tom

Link to Episode

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints

Warning: This podcast contains all the dirty words Bill Nye wanted to say to Ken Ham on Tuesday night but couldn’t.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Holy Whole Foods: Overpriced, Scripture-Approved Entire Groceries

Tired of secular supermarkets and their blatant disregard for ancient Middle Eastern dietary restrictions?!? Tired of their once-bitten synthetic produce, their partially-finished bottles of backwash, and their scooped out Reese’s Cups?!? For a large fee, we’ll change all that, and pay a guy to wave a wand near our warehouse.

Holy Whole Foods: Our Kosher Aisle is so big, it’s disputed by Palestine.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s February 6th,

And it’s the first week of White Guilt Month. Black jokes are still okay, but Asian jokes can be a slippery slope.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from “New Jersey’s Pimp”, New York, New York…

…and “Florida’s Ho”, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

We learn how to use bankruptcy to get free kid rapes,
Cecil and Tom will drop by for a little Cognitive Dissonance,
And we’ll end free speech, free sight, and free hearing … to make Helen Keller feel better.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Time to hang up our spurs guys and gals. Turns out the war’s over… Apparently we won. Congrats. But now we’re done being atheists activists and we can just shut the fuck up about it. The Christians get it; they’re stupid, prayer doesn’t work and we all just die. They’ve decided to continue being religious anyway, but they get it so we don’t have to talk about it anymore. They’re still going to try to teach their religion in schools and claim legal exemptions based on it and influence foreign policy with it and shove it down our throats and everything, but they get it; there is no god.

And if you haven’t figured out what I’m sarcastically agreeing with yet, let me quickly summarize every god damn op-ed published about atheism by a major news outlet in the last three months.

“Hi, I’m an atheist, and like all atheists, I’ve always expressed my atheism by chasing religious people around after church and challenging them to explain the logistics of Noah’s Ark. I spent my days searching out religious people to berate about their stupid beliefs, until one day when I saw a sad person and they had a bible. And I realized that religion is a-okay and who am I to take that away from other people? Amen… I mean whatever we atheists say instead of Amen.”

I’ll link to a few examples in the shownotes but I hardly need to. This is the de facto media narrative about atheism moving into 2014. Atheists have had their say but now that all that stuff is out there we can just shut the fuck up about it. Religious people need their religion and if you try to take that away from them, you’re being a heartless prick.

The most egregious example I’ve seen was, no surprise, on the Guardian. In one of their bi-daily articles about what a racist asshole Richard Dawkins is last December holier-than-thou photographer Chris Arnade went so far as to claim that, and I quote “atheism is an intellectual luxury for the wealthy”. So down that <<Gran Patron>> and hide the rhodium plated triceratops skulls folks, they’re on to us.

He backs this up by claiming it several more times. His only citation is his anecdotal observation that a lot of heroin addicts are religious. Hey Chris, you know what else gives comfort to heroin addicts? Smack. I mean, while we’re using “things that comfort junkies” as our metric for societal benefit and everything…

This whole narrative is based on what can only be a purposeful misunderstanding of what motivates the atheist movement. Sure, we mercilessly mock the incestual implications of the Adam and Eve story and the sadistic perversity of the biblical god but that’s not what motivates us. We got into this not because we believe religion is silly, but because we believe it is harmful. The fact that it’s silly just makes it easier to mock.

In order to play the “poor people need religion” gambit, you have to first concede that religion is a beneficial force which is, of course, the exact opposite of what we believe. The author makes no attempt to justify the unspoken assumption that religion plays some positive role in the lives of these addicts. He just points out that a lot of them pray and have bibles. A lot of them have track marks and HIV too, so I’m not sure what point he thought he was making, but clearly it’s some derivation of the “Smart, affluent people like us can be atheists, but these lesser people need their psychologically-crippling, laughably antiquated paradigm.”

But even if you set that all aside and grant Chris’ wildly indefensible assertion that religion provides a comfort to destitute people that a secular worldview couldn’t, his point would still be meaningless. Who’s to say that geocentrism wouldn’t provide the same comfort? After all, thinking that the sun revolves around you would make you feel way more important, wouldn’t it? And wouldn’t we all be a little bit happier every day if we believed that Kermit the Frog was a real dude that we might someday happen upon at the deli? Wouldn’t we all feel better? Wouldn’t it give our lives more meaning?

So I’ll make a deal with you, Chris. I’ll try to keep my “slapping the bible out of the hands of heroin addicts” to a minimum, but I’m not throwing in the towel just yet. I didn’t sign the armistice, so anybody who wants to wave their white flag is free to do so, but I’ll keep my spurs on, thank you very much. Vive la raison!

Guardian Piece: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/24/atheism-richard-dawkins-challenge-beliefs-homeless

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who hates more people by 9am than most people hate all day, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to unload some pre-breakfast avarice?

This is word for word, what the guy in front of me at the bagel store said to the cashier. I burned it into my brain as I walked home: (quote) “It’s been really cold, but I heard it’s getting warmer today. Seems like everything happens in 20 year cycles. I guess that contradicts Al Gore’s global warming theory, like in books. I’m not a scientist, but I reed the internet. Gotta sell those newspapers. Anything’s possible.” (end quote) This is a full-grown adult human being.

Did you follow him long enough to see if he got the bagel into the correct orifice? I’m dying to know now.

Well his 47th chromosome kept dangling in the way, but for better or worse, he put the bagel in the same orifice the bullshit was coming out of earlier. Interesting two way valve … Bagel entry, bullshit exit.

Frees up room in his ass for his head, I suppose.

In our lead story tonight, from the “Mean jokes hurt my vagina through my legal briefs” file, Fordham University law professor and Willy Wonka stunt double – Thane Rosenbaum – is suggesting the First Amendment needs to stop protecting the mean kid that picked on him in school. Apparently he would always fuck up the rubber and glue thing, so he decided it’s probably best to constitutionally ban all speaking, if you don’t have something nice to say. Religious whiners have to promise not to abuse the proposed law.

And for the record, Heath’s not being vague here or anything. This dude is actually calling for the criminalization of words that hurt people’s feelings.

Rosencrantz argues (quote) “In placing limits on speech we privilege physical over emotional harm. Indeed, we have an entire legal system, and an attitude toward speech, that takes its cue from a nursery rhyme: ‘Stick and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.'” (end quote) … Yes!!! Of fucking course we do!!! Of fucking course we have a legal system that says physical harm is worse than emotional harm!!!

Not according to Rosenstein. He claims that emotional harm is even worse than physical harm. So I propose an experiment. Me and him, in a room. He gets a thesaurus, I get a ball peen hammer. Whoever cries uncle first loses. Science, bitches.

And it’s good, observational science. Maybe you could murder Ken Ham with a hammer too. I don’t like the fact that bigots and racists are allowed to talk, but I don’t always sell the sarcasm when I talk, so I’d be censored all the time too. If we’re drawing a line … “No being attacked with sticks and stones by constitutionally protected violent packs of Neo-Nazis” seems like a reasonable place. But you have to let them say ‘kike’, or else I can’t say ‘kike’ ironically like this.

Also, I left a comment on the article saying I was offended by the article and he didn’t take it down, so clearly this is all lip-service.

Exactly!!! Guildenstern seems to be ignoring the fact that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING is offensive to some over-sensitive asshole. SCIENCE is offensive to a good chunk of this country!!! … I won’t mention any names – but there’s a Muslim religion out there that was incited to violent riots and murder plots, when a newspaper released some cartoon drawings of their dude. This is America, and our founding fathers intended for us to make YouTube videos of Muhammad getting hit in the crotch with a shovel, and sharing a cup with two girls. Can a brotha get a mental image fatwa?!? Please – I’m begging!!!

Mean jokes hurt my vagina: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/01/30/should-neo-nazis-be-allowed-free-speech.html <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/02/04/law-professor-says-free-speech-in-the-u-s-goes-too-far-wants-to-criminalize-causing-hurt-feelings

And in “Go ahead and set up the clock right away” news, Pope Frango Unchained reserved himself at least 30 seconds of coverage on our show by blessing the parrot of an Italian porn star and former world-champion of male strippers with the stage name “GuyBlowj”.

Popes are bless-whores, though. He’s out there in St. Peter’s Square; “I’ll bless this bitch, I’ll bless that bitch… I’ll bless anything that moves!!!”

“I hate guys!!! I love birds!!!” So that all happened. Might as well get straight to it. I guess we’re looking for papal porn titles with bird involvement??? … And it’s almost like he’s challenging us – personally – to work all three concepts into the segment. I say we fucking do it!!! This might be the first ever list of triple entendre religious porn titles with birds. Right here, exclusively on The Scathing Atheist!!! Christian Pornithology Titles: GO!!!

Okay, but the transcript of this show is gonna link some pretty fucked up search terms to our blog… how about… fuck, this is really hard. How about… you go first.

“Mass Pirates of the Caribbean” … Someone would fuck the parrot at some point. Or maybe the parrot- you get the idea.

“Rectums in the Rectory: The Back Door to Parrot-ice”

“Fowl Balls with the Taint Louis Cardinals” … Tagline: “Sliding Head First Into Third Base”

Pope Who’s Your Fraddy and his Papal Balls in “Whip Out Your Tits”… because, you know, tits are a type of bird. Or hooters. I could have gone hooters. Or boobies.

“What Would Jesus Goo: Osprey it Forward”

“Canary-Caged Clergy: Albatrossing the Salad”

In honor of the champs … “Holy SeeHawks Tight End Vultures Touch Down There.”

And in honor of the 8th runner up for the last NFC Wild Card spot, “Jesus Falcon Christ”

“Priests Bask in Robin the Cradle”

The Cockring of the Kingfisher-man

“Blowing Through Bible College: Loads of Sermon Are Easy to Swallow”

“Woody Good-Pecker: Confessionals of a Sapsucker”

The Penis Miter than the Sword … Bird- Fuck!!! …

Pope blesses male porn star’s pet parrot: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/31/pope-francis-porn-star-parrot_n_4703413.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Muggin’ Queers for Jesus” news tonight, Colorado Springs fundamentalist reverend Michael Abromovich proved this week that it’s getting harder and harder to break into “Anti-gay pastor caught with gay prostitute” newscycle fame this week by adding a new twist. Instead of just fucking them and condemning them to hell, Abromovich allegedly kidnapped and robbed his man-whores while impersonating a police officer. Because felonies are like Pokemon.

And STDs, if you’re fucking gay prostitutes.

According to reports, the rascally reverend found his victims on a special website reserved for felonious perverts in search of vulnerable targets called “Craig’s List”. He would then arrange for a romantic rendezvous with them and when they arrived he would announce himself as a US Marshall, then handcuff and rob them.

Well the way some of these gay whores were dressed in their profile pic, they’re almost asking for it. Seriously though, if you actually wanted to sell that service, how do you legally advertise “I’ll be the terrorist’s wife, and you be the FBI Agent that abducts me and tortures me at GitMo.”???

A question I’ve been asking myself for years. An imaginary spokesman for Abromovich’s church told the Scathing Atheist that (quote) “It’s alright on account of he was just robbin’ ‘em, not fuckin’ ‘em in the butthole… so god’s cool with it”

Pastor hired male prostitutes and then robbed them by pretending to be a cop: http://www.christianpost.com/news/colo-pastor-charged-with-impersonating-police-robbery-and-kidnapping-after-propositioning-men-on-craigslist-113551/

And in “Decepti-Con” news tonight, the Southern Baptist Convention is hosting an event in Nashville aimed at teaching pastors how to trick people into abstaining from things like watching porn, being gay, … and being straight from age thirteen through nineteen.

Hmm… Well I guess nothing inspires abstinence like a southern baptist sex convention. Shame the pope blessed that parrot-fucker or we could put a few seconds on the clock for some Baptist abstinence porn.

I’d like to assume the general theme at this thing would be that nearly every single set of sexual behaviors is better than the church’s current go-to scandal makers. But even if they decided to be bold and come out against rabid homophobia and organized pedophilia, I’m sure they’ll have some nuanced panel discussions to really think it all through.

Yeah, because the absurd denial of the most potent animalian instinct has been working so well for them so far…

The church claims it might reword its current stance on sex, which reads something like: “Build up blue balls for about a decade, and then lose your virginity on your wedding night over the course of one pump, at which point you blow a 10-year load down her Fallopian Tubes like a shotgun, spawning octuplets. Repeat this 5-second experience once every nine months until your wife’s vagina explodes.”

Southern Baptist Convention to sponsor sex summit: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/01/27/topics-at-summit-hosted-by-southern-baptist-leadership-include-teen-sex/

And finally tonight, in “Helena Handbasket” news tonight, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Helena, Montana will become the latest diocese to declare bankruptcy in connection with forcing their cocks into children. The diocese is accused of covering up the molestation of at least 362 children in a state with the population density of the Sahara desert, so I guess kudos for finding that many kids of raping age.

That many unwilling kids … of raping age. By the way, what is the age of non-consent in Montana? Same as Vatican City?

A spokesman for the Vatican said, (quote) “Don’t worry about it, we’ve got plenty of money and we want to make sure that those poor victimized children that were subject to our sinister and willful neglect get full monetary restitution for the sadistic crimes we knowingly subjected them to, so we’ll step in and cover the bill” (end quote) adding (quote), “No, I’m fucking with you, we don’t give a shit about raped kids.”

It would be offensive to put a dollar value on rape victimhood, so they’re putting no dollars on it. If you’re willing to wait in the long “rape victim” line … which must operate like a busy DMV at this point … the Vatican can get you some shekels and a railroad bond.

No, the raped kids are getting some cash in the settlement. As it turns out there is a dollar value on one’s innocence and prepubescent anal virginity and that value is a little under forty grand before taxes. As part of the negotiated settlement the church will pay out 2.5 million dollars of the total 15 million they were ordered to pay to the 362 known victims of just this diocese. The remaining 12.5 million will be paid by insurers which means that, whatever they choose to call it, Catholic churches have “butt-raping-children” insurance.

Gotta cover your ass … When Geico wrote that policy, the premium must have been tiny. “What should I charge these guys? There’s NO WAY the Catholic Church is gonna systematically cover up thousands of clergy rapes … is there? Why would anyone even ask for this type of insurance?”

Well according to Thane Jewy-name from the lead story, at least these priests had the decency to rape their assholes instead of calling them assholes.

This show is so fucking highbrow that we have anti-semitic Hamlet references built in with our rape jokes. Shakespeare bitches!!!

Catholic Diocese in Montana files for bankruptcy with 350+ abuse settlements pending: http://www.detroitnews.com/article/20140131/NATION/301310087/1041/LIFESTYLE04/Catholic-diocese-Montana-file-bankruptcy-protection

And on that liberal application of gravitas, we’ll close the headlines segment. Heath, thanks for joining me.

Jumanji!

And when we return Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to see which of us can say fuck more times in ten minutes.

Skit:

NOAH

Joining us tonight is intrepid podcaster and reigning champion of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast. Cecil, welcome to the Scathing Atheist.

CECIL

Thanks for having me on.

NOAH

I invited you on to talk about your extremely funny and well-produced podcast, but before we get to that I suppose I should congratulate you. As many of our listeners know, we both participated in a Secular Podcasters’ Fantasy Football League this season and met in the championship game, where you exploited the unfair advantage of having both the number one fantasy quarterback in the league and the number one fantasy running back in the league to narrowly defeat me.

CECIL

Responds with good sportsmanship and humility

NOAH

Now you and your partner Tom do an excellent podcast called Cognitive Dissonance where you tackle atheist and skeptical issues with the same vulgar irreverence that Heath and I strive for here. In the past three years, you’ve interviewed some of the leading lights in the skeptical movement including David Silverman, Matt Dillahunty, Seth Andrews, Mike Hall, Sean Faircloth, DJ Grothe, George Hrab and Michael Marshall. So my first question to you is how the fuck does a person win a fantasy championship when they’re starting Logan-fucking-Paulsen at tight end?

CECIL

It’s actually funnier than that – I drafted Heath Miller, who was hurt for 4 weeks of the season, then when he got better he scored as many fucking points as he did on the bench. The Logan Paulsen thing was trying to fill a roster spot through free agency at the end of the year… You know like most of your team. HA HA Just Kidding! [Thinking you are joking around] No, it’s been great. We’ve had good guests…. blah blah blah

NOAH

Okay, and I guess the obvious question is whether it’s harder or easier to do your show every week with the guilty knowledge that you crushed the hopes and dreams of everyone else in our fantasy league. Have you lost any sleep over that?

CECIL

If anything I’ve been sleeping better. I find that my natural melatonin levels go up the more dreams that I crush. [still thinking you are joking around]

NOAH

Well, did it ever occur to you that for you to win, that meant everybody else in the world had to NOT win? That doesn’t eat away at you like a carnivorous bacteria? Because I think it should.

CECIL

Ummm – bro, it’s just a game…. Can we talk about podcasting now?

NOAH

Yeah… Sorry. I just… okay, so you and Tom have been a team for quite some time. You’ve recorded over one hundred and thirty episodes of Cognitive Dissonance and before that you guys did a movie review podcast together.

CECIL

Everyone’s a Critic, yeah.

NOAH

So do you think that your friendship will suffer if Tom ever learns what a heartless cheater you are when it comes to Fantasy Football?

CECIL

How the fuck did I cheat? I didn’t make a single trade all year. What, did I crack in the back end of Yahoo sports? How the fuck could you possibly cheat at Fantasy Football?

NOAH

A secret you’ll no doubt take to your grave.

CECIL

Do you have any actual podcast related questions for me, or did you just invite me on so you can be butt hurt about me beating you at Fantasy Football?

NOAH

Okay, I’ve got a podcast related question for you, Cheaty McCheaterson, do you cheat at that too? Do you just download your own show over and over again to move up the iTunes ranks?

CECIL

Did you fucking get multiple accounts to give us negative ratings? Jesus christ – I’m done.

NOAH

Yeah, you know, I figured you’d plead the fifth at some point, so I brought along a character witness as well. So in our best podcasting equivalent to someone running out from backstage slapping and pulling hair, after you failed a lie detector test about fatherhood, Tom, do we have you on the line?

TOM

Yep.

NOAH

Tom, welcome to the show, you are by far my favorite co-host of Cognitive Dissonance and, as I understand it, the one that never cheats at Fantasy Football.

TOM

Thanks. You have excellent taste in Cognitive Dissonance hosts.

NOAH

So, Tom, how much do you know about Fantasy Football?

TOM

About as much as I know about lunar geography.

NOAH

Okay, so let me give you a brief description…

TOM

I’d rather you didn’t…

NOAH (Talking over TOM)

It’s a game where friends get together and predict which players they think will perform the best each week. And it’s really fun until somebody like Cecil comes through and sucks all the joy out of it like a grid-iron succubus. So my question to you is, in your experience, is Cecil a big, fat cheater?

TOM

Well… he’s big and fat.

CECIL

Tom, I’ve watched you eat a whole half a cow in one sitting. You unhinged your jaw like a python so you could fit more in your face.

NOAH

So Cecil, when you’re cheating at Fantasy Football, do you find it easier if you dehumanize your opponents or do you just have a sociopathic disjunction with human empathy?

CECIL

(Sighs) Alright, Noah, enough. We get it, you’re a sore loser.

NOAH

Not when I lose fair.

CECIL

You started Jay Cutler at Quarterback! You put Percy Harvin on your roster 6 fucking weeks before he was healthy! You started Dwayne Bowe, for fuck’s sake. He hadn’t had a good game all season. Look, you invited me on to this show to talk about our podcast. If I’d known you were just gonna berate me for kicking your ass at Fantasy, I wouldn’t have bothered.

NOAH

Kicking my ass!? You won by less than four points!

TOM

Should I just go get a burger or something?

CECIL

It’s amazing what four well placed points can do….

NOAH

…Cheat Loaf Sandwich…

CECIL

When you…

NOAH

…Trick or Cheat…

CECIL

Alright, listen…

NOAH

…I’ll listen on my “Cheats by Dr. Dre” headphones.

CECIL

Okay, I’m done.

NOAH

Fine. Then I’m done too.

CECIL

Fine.

NOAH

Fine.

(a second of awkward silence)

TOM

C’mon guys. We’re all friend’s here.

NOAH

I’m not friends with… Cheater Frampton over there. [Cheater frampton made me lol]

TOM

C’mon, Noah… we all set aside some time this evening, set up the gear… it’s not too late to salvage the interview.

NOAH

Well, I’m not talking to Cheatwood Mac until he apologizes for cheating in the championship game.

CECIL

Until I apologize? I think if anybody here deserves an apology, it’s me.

NOAH

Tom, can you tell Don Cheatle over there that I don’t apologize to cheaters?

CECIL

Oh for fuck’s sake!

TOM

(Awkwardly) Cecil, Noah… um… doesn’t apologize…

CECIL

(Sternly) I heard him Tom.

NOAH

You see? You see how he gets?

CECIL

How I get!? You’re acting like a four year old. And what’s more, you do this all the time. You got like this every time you lost a match all year.

NOAH

Tom, can you tell Cecil, “Did not”?

TOM

Cecil, Noah says, “did not.”

CECIL

Really? Well it turns out that I also brought along a character witness. Heath, do we have you on the line?

HEATH

Yo.

CECIL

So Heath, you were in this fantasy football league with Noah and I. Let me ask you, is he a sore loser?

HEATH

He once put his head through my rear windshield over a game of washers. <<Game wasn’t even over yet.>>

CECIL

And in your estimation, is he a childish dick a lot of the time?

HEATH

Not only is he a childish dick, but according to Lucinda, he has a childish dick as well. <<Like a roll of quarters.>> [DIMES]

NOAH

Hey!

TOM

My wife says there’s nothing wrong with that.

CECIL

He’s like that when he does the podcast, too, isn’t he?

HEATH

We only recorded one segment with our dicks out, and I didn’t- Oh you mean being a draconian bastard… yeah.

CECIL

I don’t know why you do it. You know, you don’t have to put up with an abusive co-host.

HEATH

It’s tough, but I don’t want to do the editing.

CECIL

It’s not that hard.

NOAH

Tom, can you tell Heath that I’m no longer talking to him, either?

TOM

Heath, Noah’s not…

CECIL

Is recording with him always like this?

HEATH

Yep.

NOAH

Tom, can you tell Heath to tell Cecil that it is not?

CECIL

You know, Heath, we might have room for you over at Cognitive Dissonance, if it can help get you out of this abusive relationship.

HEATH

Really?

CECIL

Sure. You’re way funnier than Tom.

TOM

Wait, what?

CECIL

Sorry, bro, but it’s true. Have you heard this dude when he gets going?

TOM

(Offended) Well… Noah, can you tell Cecil that “Fuck you”?

NOAH

No, because I’m not talking to him, but I can text Heath and ask him to tell him.

CECIL

Just think about how much easier your life could be, Heath.

NOAH

Okay then, you know what, fuck it. Tom and I are gonna make our own show. C’mon Tom…

(Fade in Cog-Dis theme)

TOM

This is the Cognitive Atheist. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way; we put 30 seconds on the clock; we bring critical thinking, skepticism and naughty bible stories to any topic that makes the news, makes it big or makes for good dick jokes. It’s scathing, it’s political and there is no Cecil or Heath. This is episode number… um…(sound of shuffling through papers)

NOAH

One, Tom. This is episode one.

TOM

Right. Episode one.

Outro:

Before we declare victory tonight, I wanted to let everybody know about a very awesome book they might want to pick up. Just got a copy of it myself and I can’t recommend it enough. For those of you who have neglected our numerous warnings that reading the bible sucks and insist on reading along with the Holy Babble segment anyway, I’d like to recommend Steve Wells’ excellent “Skeptic’s Annotated Bible”, which gives you the full King James along with the kind of commentary and annotations our audience craves in a bible. We’ll try to get Steve on the show soon to talk about this massive undertaking, but between now and then you can pick up a copy on Amazon or check it out online at SkepticsAnnotatedBible.com. You’ll find a link on the shownotes.

Skeptic’s Annotated Bible on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Skeptics-Annotated-Bible-Steve-Wells-ebook/dp/B00I76ROXK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391705185&sr=8-1&keywords=the+skeptic%27s+annotated+bible

Online Version: http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. I had the honor of being the first guest panelist on the new podcast Atheistically Speaking (from the people that brought you Thomas and the Bible) and you’ll be able to hear that… I believe next Thursday, but I’ll be posting links on Facebook, Twitter and the blog as soon as they’re available so keep up with us there.

Atheistically Speaking Podcast: http://atheisticallyspeaking.com/

Oh, and I’ve been told a number of times that I should spell it out, so if you want to find me on Twitter it’s at Noah Lugeons, that’s @NOAH (underscore) LUGEONS.

And speaking of Twitter, I wanted to thank Twitter Atheist extraordinaire “Secular Bloke” for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. One of my favorite online Twitter-ologists, definitely worth a follow. I also, of course, need to thank Tom and Cecil for being such good sports. When I asked them to come on and do a skit with us, I doubt they were expecting me to send over a ten page script so thanks a ton for that. And of course, if you haven’t checked out their show, you’ve gotta do that. If you like our show, which, let’s face it, you do, you’re probably gonna like theirs as well. Same blasphemously vulgar lack of a moral compass as you get here, but longer. You’ll find a link to their website on the shownotes for this episode as well.

Secular Bloke on Twitter: https://twitter.com/secularbloke

Cognitive Dissonance Podcast: http://dissonancepod.com/

But of course, we reserve our heartiest thanks for this week’s most distinguished disbelievers; Vin, Deb, Donovan, Michael, Alden, Alan, the very worth checking out Robives.com, Derek, Don, Crystal, Jeffrey, Krithika, Duffamongus, Stephen, Shawn the female, Sean the male, Ted, Dylan, Lawrence, Mike, Andrew, Dan, Will, the Scathing Atheist’s official Washington state secular wedding specialists, Puget Sound Celebrant Services and Richard.

These twenty six exceptional people, websites and secular wedding specialists have earned eternally archived praise and gratitude this week by giving us money. Only the most praiseworthy and salient people have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you share Vin, Deb, Donovan, Michael, Alden, Alan, the very worth checking out Robives.com, Derek, Don, Crystal, Jeffrey, Krithika, Duffamongus, Stephen, Shawn the female, Sean the male, Ted, Dylan, Lawrence, Mike, Andrew, Dan, Will, the Scathing Atheist’s official Washington state secular wedding specialists, Puget Sound Celebrant Services and Richard’s praiseworthy salience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but lack the financial resources or the salient praiseworthiness to make a monetary donation, you can also help us a ton by taking a minute to leave us a glowing review on iTunes, sharing the show on whatever social media sites you frequent and telling a friend about the show.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, atheism, atheist podcast, Chris Arnade, cognitive dissonance, cognitive dissonance podcast, Heath Enwright, Michael Abromovich, Noah Lugeons, Pope blesses parrot, Pope Frango Unchained, Thane Rosenbaum, tom and cecil

Episode 50 – Partial Transcript

January 30, 2014 Noah Lugeons 8 comments

by Heath Enwright, Noah & Lucinda Lugeons and Eli Bosnick

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language. And this week, we’re going for the record.

Sponsor:

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Nepalese cancer-curing carbonated cow piss soda, Mount Hin-Du.

Mount Hin-Du; we put the Brahman in Brominated vegetable oil.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s January 30th

And we’re doing a full-hour this week, so you have to pay double.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from nearly 4th Avenue-less New York, New York…

…and less-than-4-avenues-having Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

A preacher learns the hard way that despite what the Bible says, poison can kill you,
I’ll offer a Nebraska state senator a rim job,
He’ll bargain his way up to a rusty trombone,
And Eli Bosnick will join us to justify a fourth bullet point.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

The other day I got an email from Tyler. Tyler used to be an atheist, but now he or she has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior and wanted to come on the show to tell all of us heathens the wonderful news about Jesus. He or she offered to answer any questions we might have about Jesus-iness with the warning that he or she was (quote) “not an expert in theology”.

So here I have this rare opportunity to speak with somebody who loves Jesus and doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. How could I say no? Well, here’s how:

“Thanks for your email, Tyler. I can only assume that you’ve never listened to the show and are only responding to the word ‘atheist’ in the title, but let me assure you that nobody who listens to our program wants to hear you talk about Jesus. Thanks anyway.”

To which Tyler offered a one word reply, (quote) “okay.”

This is not the first Christian who has tried to wriggle their way onto our docket of future guests. It used to happen once a month or so, but now I’m getting requests like these at least once a week. Some of them are from theists that want to debate the merit of their particular fantasy and some are from avid listeners that just want to hear that debate.

And my answer is always the same, though when it’s a listener I phrase it a bit more congenially. My answer is “no”, and if I’m pressed for an explanation it’s some derivative of “‘cause I don’t wanna.” I don’t want to engage these people, I don’t want to pretend that there’s some merit to their argument, I don’t want to listen to the blithering bastardization of science in their arsenal, I don’t want to be polite and I also don’t want to shout “go fuck yourself” at somebody I’ve invited on the show. What’s more, I don’t want to subject our listeners to it.

Not all of these aspiring guests are as cordial as Tyler, of course. Many of them lash out at me in response and accuse me of cowardice, of intellectual dishonesty, of insulating myself behind a wall of like-minded opinions. They paint the picture of a terrified psyche, desperately clinging to the untenable belief that invisible wizards play no part in human affairs, fearful that if somebody comes on our show and says Jesus a lot my worldview will crumble around me and the god-sized hole in my heart will bleed out.

The arrogance here would be staggering if I weren’t already so familiar with the audacity of Christian privilege. They seem to think that as an atheist I’m duty bound to offer equal time to the opinion that we started the podcast to offset; as though I’m under some obligation to use the platform we’ve created to promote the point of view antithetical to my own. It’s not enough for them that there are five hundred Christian programs for every atheist program, they want to be on ours as well. What’s more, they feel that they have some kind of divine right to it.

And why? Is it a staple of Christian entertainment to bring on the biblical scholar and show them how wrong they’ve got it? Do most sermons end with an atheist counterpoint? Does Joel O’Steen spend much time debating heathens on his podcast? And do these same bitter fuck monkeys that contact me also write in to Jewish podcasts and Buddhists podcasts and Wiccan podcasts demanding that they defend their faith in an Oxford style debate?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not against public debates. As long as they’re not being used to raise money for an institution dedicated to anti-scientific indoctrination (ahem) Bill Nye (ahem), I’m all for the atheist community engaging. I’m glad there are people like Sam Harris and Shelly Kagan out there making William Lane Craig look stupid. And I’m happy there are shows like the Atheist Experience that take all comers and engage with whatever nincompoop calls in. I’m glad that shows like that exist, I just don’t want to host one.

And no, it’s not because I’m afraid I’ll lose. It’s pretty easy to win a debate when the other side is trying to prove that Jack’s beanstalk really existed. But just because I can shovel a large pile of shit doesn’t mean I want to, and it sure doesn’t mean that anybody would want to listen to it if I did.

Besides, debate isn’t just about presenting the better argument. Sometimes the person with all the facts on their side can lose a debate in the eyes of the audience just by seeming arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting. And if there’s anything this show has proven in its first 49 episodes, it’s that I’m arrogant, condescending and deliberately insulting.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines this week is semi-professional vulgarian Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to be vulgar?

What, no fancy montage for me?

(Heath cursing montage)

Do I really fucking curse that much?

In our lead story tonight, Oklahoma Republican lawmaker Mike Turner has proposed a bill that would protect Oklahomans from the dark forces of two-cock wedlock this week by banning marriage altogether. Arguing that the fucking baby shouldn’t have been mixed in with the bathwater in the first place, Turner argues that the courts have left him no other legal recourse for his wretched, small-minded hostility.

Are they under the impression that the gay-marriage-ban thing has been working so far?!? If they let this one slide, dudes are gonna start having butt sex for the first time? Spawning gay families?

The scrap of sanity hidden in his morass of malevolence is the Libertarian notion that states shouldn’t be in the business of regulating marriage, a point that might have debatable merit if it weren’t derived entirely from faith-fueled fanaticism. To his credit, Turner makes no attempt to sell this legislation as based on high-minded principles; crediting the inspiration for the move entirely to god’s well-advertised hatred of fags.

Can we stop pretending that legislation about the definition of the word ‘marriage’ makes any fucking difference. This is Christian assholes finding absurdist measures to make sure gay people can’t get taxed fairly. As if eternal damnation isn’t punishment enough.

Ryan Kiesel, executive director of the Oklahoma ACLU characterizes the move as desperate political posturing that is all but guaranteed to fail. When asked about the proposed ban, Kiesel called the legislators backing the bill (quote) “…out of touch with most Oklahomans” (end quote), though off the record I’m sure he called them a hell of a lot worse than that.

Oklahoma Republican introduces bill to block gay marriage in by outlawing marriage: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/01/25/oklahoma-republicans-bill-would-block-same-sex-marriage-by-stopping-all-marriages/

And in “Ejaculate the Ripper” news, Georgia church official Craig Lamar Davis was found guilty of felony charges, for willfully spreading the HIV virus, despite his defense that his AIDS diagnosis only happened because of all the crack he smokes. When asked by prosecutors: “Then why are you taking AIDS medicine?” … Davis responded that it’s a preventative measure, after he heard a rumor that coincidentally all the women he sleeps with have AIDS somehow.

So here’s how fucked the Davis defense team was: Apparently part of their defense strategy was to put some AIDS denialists on the stand and argue that there’s no such thing as AIDS. And that AIDS doesn’t come from HIV. And that HIV tests are all bullshit anyway. Hard to imagine how they lost this one.

Apparently it’s easier to get a job at a church than it is to become an Amsterdam hooker. And Amsterdam hookers can literally be high on crack in the interview, as long as they don’t also have AIDS. Bottom line: They preside over similar amounts of sexual activity, but Dutch pimps are far more responsible about it (and consensual about it) than God’s HR department.

The thing they actually found him guilty of was “reckless HIV”. That’s how they actually phrase it; two counts of reckless HIV. Makes me think of him accidentally jacking off on somebody’s salad or something, “Oh, I’m sorry, did I get HIV on your plate? How reckless of me.”

And because I’m also a twisted fuck, this story made me think of Billy Joel playing $10,000 Pyramid with Peter Griffin …

Billy Joel: “AIDS … Crack … Bernie Goetz …”

Peter Griffin: “Things that kill black people?”

I was gonna go with “things that have been in Amy Winehouse’s vagina”

But I think we’re a little off track, so just to summarize: The church official didn’t know about his AIDS because of the crack, and then couldn’t help but jizz-murder those women, because good Christians don’t use condoms.

This story has crack, HIV, and church: http://www.ajc.com/news/news/defendant-in-hiv-trial-found-guilty/ncwb6

And from the “At the Very God Damned Least” file tonight, a Nepalese court has ruled that when you rob children of their youth in order to worship them as temporary incarnations of a mythical being for a few years before tossing them back into the world educationally and socially retarded, you have to give them money.

Right assuming they only work their prepubescent slave-goddesses 60 hours a week for 5 years, they get about 78 cents an hour back-pay, spread out over 10 years, assuming laid-off Pre-Cogs can get new work and survive in society for that long.

The ruling was a small step toward righting the insane and despicable institution of “Kumari”, in which little girls are worshipped as living goddesses until they get a muff tuft. Apparently the girls are selected by strict physical criterion that includes shit like (quote) “an unblemished body, a chest like a lion and thighs like a deer.” But just in case the thought of a team of experts examining the chests and thighs of prepubescent girls didn’t boil your blood at all, the few girls who are unlucky enough to meet the strict physical requirements must then prove their bravery by not crying while watching a buffalo get slaughtered. At ages as young as FOUR. And then the winner gets to live in a temple where they’ll be paraded around as objects of worship while not getting an education or having a childhood.

America has a more efficient system for dealing with the JonBenet Ramseys in our culture, when we’re done with them.

I think it’s important to note that the court isn’t ending this practice. They’re not phasing it out or forcing the temple to give the girls eight hours a day of education and some free time to fuck around with a rainbow loom or anything. All they’ve done here is ruled that the girls have to be paid a pension for a few years after all this psychological abuse. So apparently they weren’t even doing that.

Nepalese girls kidnapped by prehistoric nonsense to be compensated: http://www.gulf-times.com/nepal/250/details/377883/ex-kumari-welcomes-pension

And in “C-word isn’t just for Caucasian” news, Christian talking head and vice-presidential candidate abortion Sarah Palin celebrated Martin Luther King Day by telling President Obama that in honor of her nigga MLK, he should stop playing the race card … Which is physically impossible. Black people can’t stop playing the race card. Barack Obama, despite his very best efforts, can’t just get a white library card and stop being a black President.

Yeah, she’s on a limb even in her own party on this one. Most republican Christians don’t want to revoke the race card; they just want to make sure you bring three forms of ID when you renew it.

There is speculation that Palin’s comments were a response to a recent New Yorker article, in which an Obama quote points out that some people like the idea of a black President, and some people dislike the idea of a black President. Apparently this self-evident truth came off as a venomous Black Panther rant to the Alaskan hockey mom, who runs a neighborhood watch that helps NORAD visually detect Russian nuclear attacks. If she’s scared of Obama, I want to see her interviewed with Richard Sherman.

Well she does have some credential on this issue. She was the governor of Alaska and you can see black people from Alaska, so she probably knows her shit.

So is it just me, or do you wish that MLK could hate fuck Sarah Palin, and you could pay $100 to watch??? … Famous civil rights leaders fucking awful white bitches … That’s a porn goldmine. Which segues smoothly to about half a minute of clever new titles we’ll think up on the spot, right now.

30 seconds on the clock. Civil rights leaders fantasy porn titles: GO!!!

“White Dicks Palin Comparison to Malcolm’s XXL”

Susan B. On-her-knees starring in “The Undergown Railroad”

Right, with Harriet Chubman as the black hermaphrodite.

“Nelson Mandela Living in Bondage: Apar-Tied to the Bed Posts.”

Three Missing Civil Rights Workers, One Cup? Too soon? To do another two girls one cup joke?

No such thing. The whole point of the genre is to see Anne Coulter get shat on …

So what about “Scat Turner’s Revolt”??? … “Desmond’s Number Tutu”???

Gotta get some guy on guy golden shower titles in there too, like “Martin Luther Queen in ‘I Have a Stream’”. I believe Frederick Dug-Ass was in that too.

Pee at last! Pee at last! …

Louis Farra-Conjugal Visits: The Insemi-Nation of Islam … Filmed on location at Martha Stewart’s Country Club Jail: Where choking a bitch is a white collar crime.

I like the Suffrage and Discipline stuff. Like Elizabeth Cady Strap-on.

“Rosa Parks It in the Rear” … That one’s ironic, because black women don’t usually like anal.

Jesse Jacks-Off Jesse Jackson?

What about “Hand Jobs for Strokely Carmichael: Finally some white people doing manual labor.”

W.E.T. DuBoys and Medgar Whenevers in N Double D CP

Sarah Palin lectures Obama on race for MLK Day: http://www.latimes.com/local/abcarian/la-me-ra-on-mlk-day-tonedeaf-sarah-palin-says-obama-plays-the-race-card-20140120,0,3099194.story#axzz2rPG7wjaO

And in the disturbingly thin “Midwestern lawmakers who aren’t dogmatic turd-cuddlers” file, Nebraska state senator and openly atheist pioneer Ernie Chambers has introduced a bill that would eliminate state property-tax exemptions for churches. Because you’d have to be a fucking idiot not see the logic in that. Unfortunately for the future of the proposal, his colleagues largely don’t see the logic in that.

I love this guy Ernie Chambers, but his title “Most Atheist Member of the Nebraska State Senate” isn’t that impressive. Neither is “Smartest Member of the Nebraska State Senate” or “Blackest Member of the Nebraska State Senate”. It’s like “Oldest Kid in the Cancer Ward”.

The language of his bill read almost like an audition to be a co-host on this show. He basically just copied the existing list of exemptions and crossed out the word “religious” wherever it appeared. He didn’t delete it, mind you, he left it there, but crossed out. And as if that wasn’t awesome enough, in his statement of intent for the bill he reminded his Christian colleagues that Jesus was all about rendering unto Caesar what was Caesar’s and closed with the following actual quote: “All things considered, I expect my colleagues to say, regarding this bill: “Let thy will be done.” To which I can atone: “Amen.” (end quote)

Yeah his whole statement of intent was hilarious. My favorite line might have been his opener: (quote) “The purpose of LB 675 is to help the State gain more revenue, rather than less, by taking away churches’ property tax exemptions.” (end quote)

Yeah, I would almost lick this dude’s asshole based solely on this story. Of course, unlike the “outlaw-marriage so fags can’t have ‘em” bill we discussed earlier, this one has absolutely no chance of success, but it did boost Chambers into potential running mate status with Barney Frank in the Scathing Atheist’s involuntary presidential ticket for 2016.

Senator suggests taxing property: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/nebraskas-atheist-state-senator-introduces-bill-that-would-force-churches-to-pay-property-taxes

And in “Natural Born Again Killers” news, it’s been 613 days, so it’s no longer too soon to laugh at West Virginia preacher Mark Wolford, who died from a rattlesnake bite after performing a service with the deadly reptile on May 27, 2012. As is often heard when redneck psychopaths have a mishap, someone yelled: “You get the truck! I’ll get the snake bite juice!” But instead of driving the truck to the hospital, Wolford was taken to a nearby safe house where they routinely take snake bite victims to rest themselves back to health. And because that’s stupid, he died.

If only all stupid was that fatal.

These guys are pushing that envelope as best they can. Adherents of venomous snake handling cite God’s words from Mark 16: “In my name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” (end quote) …

This particular passage of the Bible has caused an entire category at the Darwin Awards. Among the former winners is Wolford’s father, who also died of a snake bite the same way. And as he watched his father die, he saw God give a subtle wink, which was apparently the really tricky sign this guy needed to carry on the family business.

So when this shit happens… generationally… it has to either be proof that Jesus isn’t a viable anti-venom or proof that these people don’t really love Jesus. I think it’s probably the latter so my suggestion is that all true Christians attempt rattlesnake cunnilingus so that we can weed out the imposters.

Why aren’t they focusing on the other suggestions?!? “Take up serpents” is obviously the worst one. It would be far less destructive if they fondled breast cancer patients, and didn’t heal them. Or if they just killed themselves by drinking poison.

West Virginia snake handling preacher dies from rattlesnake bite: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/05/30/11956841-snake-handling-preacher-dies-from-rattlesnake-bite-in-west-virginia

And in “I bet these idiots were wondering who Acklew was” news, the ACLU has filed suit against the Sabine Parish school district in Louisiana for a prodigious list of constitutional violations. The suit accuses the school of a (quote) “long history of proselytizing students and promoting religion” (end quote) including, but not limited to incorporation of Christian prayer into school events, religious iconography in the halls and classrooms, an electronic marquee with a constant scroll of bible verses, the inclusion of the words “god exists” on the statement of beliefs for the school district, faculty led bullying and ostracization of non-Christian students, religious questions on science exams, the explicit teaching of creationism, offering extra-credit for believing in the Christian god and holding mandatory prayer assemblies.

For the church to pay back all the tax money they’ve stolen, and then add all those 50-shekel payments to new dads on top of that … They’re financially and morally bankrupt 1000 times over, and therefore no longer allowed to exist!!!

Oh, believe it or not, this story gets worse. The ACLU is suing on behalf of a 6th grade Buddhist, whose science teacher allegedly included questions like (in all caps) “Isn’t it amazing what the (blank) has made” followed by, I shit you not, 32 exclamation points, and then called him stupid in front of the class when he refused to write “Lord” in the blank provided. When his mother complained to the Superintendent she was apparently told that this was the bible belt and if she didn’t like it her son should either change his faith or move to another district where there are (allegedly quote) “more Asians.”

Whoa!!! That’s Clossing the Rine!

ACLU sues LA school district for all kind of Christian bullshit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/23/this-district-just-got-sued-for-teaching-creationism-offering-extra-credit-for-writing-bible-verses-on-tests-more/

Moving on to “Not Quite Two Birds With One Drone” news, Pope Franti-matter helped two children almost publicly murder a pair of “peace doves”, by releasing them from his weird little speaking window above St. Peter’s Square, only to be immediately attacked by two of Obama’s atheist drones, disguised as a seagull and a large black crow. The President denies any involvement, but he did give me a fist bump as he made the denial . . . And then he did this thing where he blew it up. Like (blow up sound) … Black people are so cool.

Yeah. When white people try for cool handshakes it ends up looking like Michael J Fox playing roshambo with Stephen Hawking. Black people got the style and the big dicks so I don’t know why they’re still so pissed that we got all the impartial justice and living wage jobs.

Catholics are traumatized, and suspect this is the work of Satan, Star Scream, or the Jews. Strangely enough, nobody suspects the godless, Kenyan, Muslim, homosexual in the White House, who was likely also behind the August 2013 sabotage of an Oral Roberts jingoism rally, in which they hired a bald eagle to fly on stage, and instead it crashed to the floor in epic failure as an auditorium full of idiots chanted “USA!!!”

And I’m surprised nobody’s put it together. Don’t they know that Kenyans can communicate with animals?

I saw his birth video when he talked to Mufasa … And what’s with white people and our endangered species fetish?!? We’re always doing ridiculous shit, like renting bald eagles, shooting pterodactyls with assault rifles, eating panda steaks, bow-hunting black people. Somebody needs to stop us, or we will continue ruining the world.

Pope releases peace-doves, which get attacked by atheist birds: http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/pope-francis-s-peace-doves-attacked-by-birds-at-vatican-1.2511761?cmp=fbtl

And on that somber admission we’ll close out the headlines, Heath, thanks as always.

Happy to be here.

And when we return Eli Bosnick will join us to remind everybody that he’s funny as fuck.

Pitch:

On January 18th of 2013, at 7:17am Malaysian Standard Time, a new podcast was born, released into a cruel and unforgiving world with only it’s wits to guide it.

That podcast, was this podcast.

And since that day we’ve consistently brought you a new show every Thursday without exception.

Except for the first five episodes when it was biweekly.

We’ve consistently provided 30 minutes of high quality dick jokes…

Except episodes 10 and 25, which were an hour..

And we’ve had them to you at precisely 8am Eastern Time, every week.

Except episodes 43 and 48, which you fucked up and dropped early.

Heath and I work tirelessly every week,

(ahem)

Heath, Lucinda and I work tirelessly every week to bring you the best half hour of blasphemy we can muster, often working upwards of 200 hours a week to make it happen.

There are only 168 hours in a week.

I meant between the 3 of us.

That’s still way high.

More like 100.

That’s still probably high.

But it’s a lot. And if you don’t believe me, just ask my wife.

And if you don’t believe me, just ask my vagina.

Wait, your vagina talks?

No, that was a joke.

But the point is that we work really hard.

We do.

Yeah.

And to continue to provide you with the highest quality fart jokes in the other religion podcast subcategory on iTunes, we need your help.

Specifically, your money.

Because, holy shit, this thing has turned into a full time job.

And a part time job.

And another part time job.

And just as you count on a new episode each week to get you through your Friday commute, we count on your donations to make it possible.

You stole that line from Brian Dunning.

Pretty much, yeah.

So if you’d like to help us keep the Scathing Atheist ad free, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Wait, we weren’t gonna put ads in it…

Yeah, but they don’t know that.

And remember, if every listener donated just a dollar a week, we’d be fucking loaded. But they won’t, so you’ll probably have to give more than that.

Panel Notes:

Award season is in full swing. You’ve already skipped the Golden Globes, avoided the Grammys, forgotten all about the People’s Choice Awards and you’re actively not giving a shit about the Oscars so we figured; why not squeeze one more meaningless ceremony into the season.

And in accordance with the fact that religious idiots think atheists believe in Satan, he we are hosting the “Penta-Grammys”.

That’s right. And in addition to a ready made pun, this also provides us a great opportunity to bring back friend of the show and audience favorite Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back. It’s been too long.

(screaming in terror)

Alright, so here’s how the Penta-Grammys work. We’ve randomly chosen a few categories for this inaugural ceremony and each of us will offer our nominee. And since winning awards was rendered meaningless in 2010 when they gave Sandra Bullock an Oscar, we’ll just leave it at the nomination phase.

Our first category is an obvious one and Heath, you’ll start us off; Best Religious News Item of 2013

The Scathing Atheist headline read something like: “Imaginary Jesus voices tell area man to exorcise Satan by blowing up the family puppy with an IED.”

Or, as friend of the show Tom from Cognitive Dissonance put it, “Worst shock collar ever.”

These were apparently the same voices that told him to prepare for a rapture, that kept not happening despite the Mayan Calendar not being infinite, and despite a now-dead Harold Camping having calculated the first derivative of the Bible to solve for Apocalypse. So the December 2012 rapture didn’t happen, the year 2013 did happen, Jesus helped murder a labrador retriever, and the End Times Calculus asshole died. Lots of good atheist lessons here, but the puppy murder takes it for me. We all know religion can trick people into torturing, raping, and killing other people, but that doesn’t seem to be a deal-breaker. Maybe the puppy thing will do it.

Satanist Memorial thing let this begin a movement all over.

Strangely, we actually haven’t had occasion to talk about the Satanic Monument on the show since they unveiled the design, so if you were pressed to describe the proposed monument to the audience, what would you say?

(description)

Okay, so this isn’t a particular headline or anything, but I’m nominating the rise of the atheist church, or the godless congregation or whatever I have to call it to not piss off the people who don’t like them. I know a lot of people are stand-offish on the whole idea, but I look at it as a necessary step toward national secularism. So that’s my nominee for News Item of the Year.

Yeah stuff like Sunday Assembly is getting some steam in the States now too. Nice to see early evidence that people can hang out in groups on Sunday, without being self-righteous bigoted assholes about it.

Moving right along to our second category, this is a dubious distinction, I would think, but our second category is “Religious Figure Who Has Done the Most to Promote Atheism” and Eli, why don’t you start us out?

Pope Francis. Just changing his mind about everything. Next week he’s gonna be like “Eh…its a myth…who wants to get some PUSSY”

It really has been amazing. Just a quick list of some of the crazy shit he’s said in his first year of papacy:

“Who am I to judge gay people?”
“Atheists can get into heaven”
“Bare tits in church? That’s cool”
“I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power of the enemy, every spectre from hell and all your fell companions; in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ”

Didn’t he also mention something about “There is no Catholic god.”??? Maybe we can get him on the show to elaborate.

I’m going with Antonin Scalia. He’s not a religious figure per se, but he’s religious and he’s a figure. And he aptly demonstrated this year that no amount of education and academic achievement can make a Catholic not sound like a raging lunatic when he starts talking about religion.

For those who don’t recall, Scalia did an interview with New York Magazine where he admits to believing in an actual, physical, existent devil. And as if that wasn’t terrifying enough from a Supreme Court Justice, when he was pressed about why we never see any evidence of this magical embodiment of evil, he explained that (quote) “The devil’s getting wilier”

Despite the Pope’s skeptical stance on this guy, I’d like to nominate Catholic God. He’s clearly gone out of his way to be more than fair with us logical people recently. He’s literally bending kids over backwards to make atheism look good. And forwards. More bending over forwards, really. Depends if they’re blowing a second priest.

And when Pope Frandle in the Wind tries to get too hippie about shit, god kills his birds, so yeah, good nominee.

Of course, If this was the Oscars there would be a poorly cobbled together musical number here, but luckily, it’s not, so we’ll just move directly to the next category; “Moment in 2013 That Most Conflicted With the Concept of a Loving God.”

And at first I was gonna go with those big ass typhoons, but they mostly only killed brown people so I went with a story we covered on episode 26 of this program; and it was a story about a congregation in Fresno, California that was convinced that a tree outside their church was weeping holy tears. And even after it was painstakingly explained to them that the “tears” were actually aphid shit, they continued to not only worship them, but DRINK them.

And if there was a god there’s no way he would make it that easy on us.

I’m with Noah on this one, but I’d like to expand the nomination to any of several times that God made people literally eat shit and drink piss. This all happened in 2013 … We’ve got the aphid shit mistaken for magical Jesus sap, we’ve got God letting churches set up shit-water basins to use as “holy water”, we’ve got a guy being prosecuted for telling a bunch of shit-sippers that the crying Jesus statue is just a leak from a nearby public restroom sewage pipe, and we’ve got a Hindu cult drinking virgin cow urine … and still having cancer afterward. And also, I’d like to nominate cancer in general.

The death of paul Walker. The 2nd hour of the wolf of wall street…or all those starving kids…I dont know…

Awesome. Okay, so this next category is a tricky one. I originally wrote it down as “Biggest Asshole”, but despite Heath’s first choice for nominee, we’re not actually basing this on anal circumference.

So “African Altar Boys” doesn’t work.

Right. What we’re looking for here is the person the world could most have done without in 2013. Eli, who would you most like to scrub from the population statistics?

Jenny Mcarthy

So for this one my nominee was obvious; Pat Robertson, but the tricky part was deciding which egregious lapse of humanity to nominate him for. Should it be for the AIDs decoder ring quote? For asking how he can respond to gay people’s posts on Facebook if there’s no “vomit button”? For comparing transgendered people to his castrated horse? For diverting charitable funds to his secret blood diamond mining operation, which I’m not just making up to make him sound more like a GI Joe villain?

And after a long night wrestling with that question, I decided to opt for “none of the above” and just nominate him for not having the decency to go ahead and fucking die.

I’m going with Muslim God on this one. Next to asshole in the dictionary, I think there’s actually a picture of a generic deity lashing a female rape victim with a bull whip. This is the same imaginary guy that told several countries to install Gaydar and prostate exams at airports. The same non-existent asshole that insists women dress like lepers … and sponsors death bounty fatwas on people that don’t like all the stuff I just mentioned. I’d also like to mention all the faithfully rapey Muslim men that make it all possible. And the fundamentalist clerics. And the whole crew over at Hezbollah. And those crazy niggas over at Al Queda. And of course Mr. and Mrs. Kazaam – Allah’s magical mom and dad.

Alright, and our final category is a little bit more on the serious side. It’s also the only one I can imagine anybody being happy about winning and it’s the only one that I’m absolutely certain will appear again in next year’s Penta-Grammys; gentlemen, who would you like to nominate for 2013’s Atheist of the Year.

I’d like to nominate our very own, Noah Lugeons. Not only for his tireless work on what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time. And not only for marrying the talented Lucinda Lugeons, the woman many are calling “The Anti-Coulter”. And not only for his many great appearances on other atheist and skeptical broadcasts. But most importantly, for pointing out the following when I suggested a Mormon necrophilia joke in honor of Paul Walker …

“Well, they do practice posthumous baptism, so they do have experience moistening dead people.”

Well now just to be fair I think I should toss out one of your best quotes on the show. How about that time when you were talking about how awesome I was and you said (quote) “what many are calling the greatest atheist podcast of all time”? That one was probably my favorite.

Okay, so for my nominee here, I was damn tempted to go with Valerie Dodds, the Nebraska porn star that got in trouble for breaking into her old Catholic school and publishing video of her using a crucifix as a dildo, but I don’t know for sure she’s an atheist and this one was supposed to be at least kind of serious, so I’m going with friend of the show and inaugural Farnsworth quoter Hemant Mehta.

Amen!!! Among many other things, nobody aggregates daily religious jack-assery in perfect format for scathing atheist headline researchers like the Friendly Atheist He-Man.

His indefatigable work has not only made atheism more visible, but his charity work has done a lot to give atheism a more friendly face, a more relatable face. And even though it seems like we’re actively working to undermine that every week, I think we can all agree that atheism can’t succeed as a movement if it’s just made up of assholes like me.

And bigger assholes like me … at least in circumference.

Sam Harris.

Alright, so that’s gonna do it for the First Annual Pentagrammy awards, Eli, thanks for dropping by.

And Heath, thanks for fifty great episodes man. Here’s to fifty more. And then a few crappy ones because this shit is getting exhausting.

The 40, the 45, the 50 – Jew-Manji!!!

And with one more quick thanks to everybody who wrote in with their favorite moments from our first forty-nine shows, we’re gonna leave you with a few of the Scathing Atheist’s greatest hits.

Outro:

Before we flip the breakers tonight, I wanted to offer an apology and a quick correction; on the calendar segment in episode 48 I gave dates for a few of the major conferences coming up this year, including the dates for TAM 2014, which actually haven’t been announced yet. Fucked up on the research and accidentally listed the dates for last year’s TAM so sorry for any inconvenience that caused. We’ll get the correct dates to you as soon as they’re announced.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but if twice as much us just isn’t enough, be sure to check out my guest appearance on The Imaginary Friends Show with Jake Farr-Wharton; you’ll find me along with the incomparable Martin S. Pribble and the only slightly comparable Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and the brand spanking new “Atheistically Speaking” podcast. You’ll find all of that on episode 166 of Jake’s show, which will, of course, be linked on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

http://imaginaryfriendsshow.com/2014/01/27/ifs-166-youre-absolutely-right/

Of course we can’t close this thing out without thanking Heath for all that he’s done and all he continues to do to make this show what it is. I need to thank Lucinda for adding her unique brand of vulgarity and wit to the show. I really need to thank Eli for making time for us this week. And I also want to thank everybody who ever sent in a Farnsworth quote for the show. To those people that didn’t make it into the montage at the beginning of this episode I apologize; the damn thing just got too long when I included everyone.

I also need to offer a true and sincere thanks to everyone listening for making this whole project fun enough to do fifty times in a row. We really appreciate you giving us a half hour of your life every week, and occasionally an hour; and we’re already hard at work trying to earn another half hour next week. Thanks for making the show possible.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most notable humans; William, Evan, Alan, Cherie, Chris, Christine, Jeffrey, Tony, Joseph, Justin, Jerry and April. William and Evan, whose mighty fists act as emergency backups for the Large Hadron Collider; Alan and Cherie, who are faster than a speeding Kryptonian; Chris and Christine, whose intellects are so legendary their iPhones ask them questions; Jeffrey and Tony, whose erections have been declared Tsunami safe-zones; Joseph and Justin, who are so attractive they each have an event horizon; and Jerry and April, whose very names probably inspired spontaneous orgasms in at least 10 percent of our listeners just now.

These twelve valorous and unblenching heroes earned eternal praise, unwavering appreciation and over-the-top compliments this week be giving us money. Giving us money is a noble, selfless, laudable act; so if you’d like to test your nobility, selflessness and lauditute, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the home page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d love to help but you spent the family fortune pursuing the perfect robotic delouser, you can also help us with nothing but an internet connection. It only takes a few minutes to leave us a glowing review on iTunes and the reward lasts a lifetime. Also, don’t forget to follow us next time you’re on Twitter, subscribe to us next time you’re on YouTube, like us next time you’re on Facebook and call out our names next time you masturbate.

Episode 49 – Partial Transcript

January 23, 2014 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language in three… two… fuck.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Pro-Scripture Strength Biblenol. Perfect for those biblically inspired headaches. It’s stronger than Prayer-Bayer and longer lasting than Bibliuprofen.

Biblenol; because somehow the Historical Books are even worse than the Pentateuch.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s January 23rd,

And the extra week before the Superbowl is worse for the NFL than Junior Seau.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright and from pro-federate enclave New York, New York,

And forcibly de-federate, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist

On this week’s episode,

We revel in the joy of getting piss drinking and nun fucking in the same news cycle.
We’ll learn how to rape like a Muslim,
And Lucinda will join us to put on our Monocles to read One Chronicles

Beating me to the poem, I see. But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

My inbox is full of idiots.

As you may know, the other day I went on the most excellent Cognitive Dissonance podcast and gave Tom and Cecil a Tarot card reading. And since then I’m getting a vodka-piss stream of woo-merchants and dipshits emailing me to tell me just how wrong I’ve got it.

To their credit, these aren’t people who are actively out there scamming people and telling them “you’re grandma is gonna get cancer if you don’t donate a hot tub to the next person they lay eyes on… hey, hey, I’m over here” or anything. They almost certainly aren’t charging for their services, and they’re not consciously deceiving anyone. These are just people who have gotten really good at deceiving themselves.

The way they justify their pseudo-scientific hobby is by pointing out that Tarot isn’t about fortune-telling, it’s about divination; it’s about helping people through their problems with universal symbolism. It’s a way to reinforce positive messages and give people hope. It’s just a structured way for someone to try to see their problems from a new angle. What’s the harm in that?

Well, as I pointed out last Monday when I did the reading for Tom and Cecil which you can hear on episode number one hundred and thirty-four of their fine program, there’s plenty of harm. If your goal is to help people through their problems and aid them in seeing things from a new angle, don’t you think you should have some kind of qualification to do that beyond a spare fourteen bucks when you were at Spencer’s Gifts?

It’s belittling to psychologists and psychiatrists to think that any jackass who memorized the Zodiacal influences of some pretty pictures can step in and do their job with no chance of fucking it up. It’s the human psyche, for fuck’s sake; the most complicated thing that we know about. And you’re just gonna dive in there with nothing but the Idiot’s Guide to Vague Verbosity and ask me what’s the harm?

Now that should be all the answer I have to give, but it isn’t all the answer that I can give. Whatever spiritual caveats you might offer, as soon as you start shuffling your deck, you’re putting yourself in a position of authority that you didn’t have to do anything to earn. And it’s gonna be damned easy to take advantage of the person across the table. Even if you don’t succumb to that temptation, you’re just priming the pump for the less principled person that comes after you. And for what? So that you can spend half an hour giving them what DJ Groethe calls your “Aw shucks advice”?

You may think you’re giving them a positive message, but how the fuck do you know? You tell somebody to focus on what makes them happy, but you don’t know how much they love torturing rats with hacksaws. You tell them to never give up on love but you don’t know about the restraining order. You tell them to follow their dream but you don’t know if they dream about disemboweling postal workers.

People who are looking for help shouldn’t be pissing away time checking with sorcerers first. That goes for Tarot card readers, psychics, necromancers, astrologers, palm readers and crystal gazers and pastors, priests, bishops, reverends, rabbis, mullahs and monks. They should instead go to somebody who is qualified to help them through science-based means and they shouldn’t have to navigate a complicated menu to find them.

And yes, I group all of the above in the same category. I’ll freely admit that religious leaders are almost universally better trained to help people with personal crises, but at the same time they’re deferred a lot more authority because of it. For every person who would discount their doctor’s advice on the word of their cartomancer, there are a million who would do so on the advice of their priest. They’re given even more authority and even more opportunity to abuse it. And just like I’d say of the Tarot reader, the honest ones are just priming the adolescent buttocks for the dishonest ones.

Consider the strict licensing and regulation on psychiatrists and psychologists. If it came to light that a psychologist was sleeping with one of their patients, it would probably be a career ending scandal. But as Dr. Darrel Ray points out in both The God Virus and Sex and God, anybody who stays in a church long enough will hear about some pastor sleeping with some congregant. Sometimes the pastor is quietly moved to another church. Sometimes they’re not. But no horny pastor has ever lost his license to past over it.

And I don’t think I need to tell you that nobody ever lost their license to read tarot cards over any abuse of any kind ever.

There is no “harmless bullshit”. And I don’t really care how many paragraphs you can cram into an email, you’re never going to convince me that your faith is quantitatively better that the other faiths just because yours has playing cards.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is hyperborean Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to migrate?

It is fucking freezing here. But I’m like an African swallow. The bird, not the ebony porn title. Non-migratory.

Don’t worry, I’m sure if the Weather Channel had an eleven day forecast there would be a high above freezing on it.

In our lead story tonight, from the “Sister Cum Mother” file, a nun working in Italy failed to plan her parenthood very well and recently gave birth, opting instead for termination of her job, for breaking the vow of chastity. According to her account, God secretly fucked her while she was masturbating on an airplane, but despite the well-known Joseph v. Mary precedent, her immaculate conception alibi was ignored.

Because it couldn’t just be that some nun fucked a dude multiple times. Because how the hell could that be international news, right? Nun fucks wouldn’t make ink on four continents, would it? So clearly there was some divine vine involved.

The ‘Last Scion’ released the following statement: (quote) “It was God’s dick … and I was married to God at the time. Just wait … My half-brother Jesus is gonna be right back, and he’ll tell you.” (end quote)

And apparently putting her money where her mouth is on the issues of contraception and abortion didn’t earn her any favor in the eyes of the Holy See.

As a tribute to the Scathing Atheist, and our mocking nicknames for Pope Francesco Rinaldi, the new mom named her son Francesco. Despite this revelation bringing down the average severity of their scandals considerably, the church feels like this has been a public embarrassment. And once again, Catholic leaders have a tail between their legs because of a child.

Well, I’m not just gonna come out and say that the Pope’s her baby-daddy, but he has shown a recent interest in tits.

Nun gives birth after seemingly immaculate conception: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/10581481/Nun-gives-birth-to-baby-named-after-Pope.html

And moving on to the “Ringing Endorsement From the Voices in my Head” file we bring you an update to a story we covered back in episode 38. You’ll recall Pennsylvania State Representative Rick Saccone from Heath making jokes about how his last name kind of sounds like a reference to testicular amputation.

And we all learned a valuable lesson: Buy your anal beads from the store.

And remember he said buy… not rent. In addition to Saccone’s lopsided nuts, we also discussed his braindead brainchild HB 1728, a proposal that calls for the words “In God we Trust” to be prominently displayed in every Pennsylvania classroom. While trying to justify this crevasse-wiping use of the constitution on a local television show last Sunday, Saccone claimed that the bill had the backing of the atheist community. He cited the off-the-record support of the unnamed head of “Pennsylvania Atheists”, a group that neither speaks for all atheists, nor exists.

Saccone’s running a board meeting: “We’re losing numbers. Gotta do something. Now keeping in mind I already printed a bunch of these … You guys think it’s all the hating women and fags, or you think it’s not enough propaganda posters?”

Of course, we’re all used to religious people taking advice from people who don’t exist so that came as no surprise. What really caught my eye on this story was his claim that “god” isn’t a divisive term since atheists can make it (quote) “whatever god they worship in the form of maybe […] materialism”. So yeah, we atheists can just pray to materialism so what are we so pissed about?

PA state rep makes up some atheists, pretends they support his proposal: http://www.examiner.com/article/atheists-demand-state-representative-apologize

And in “The Other Santorum” news, the Maldives has added ‘tape’ to the list of sticky red stuff that goes with rape. Abdulla Yameen, president of the Islamic theocracy, has vetoed a proposed law that would make it illegal to rape your wife while she fills out divorce paperwork. He called the rape ban (quote) “un-Islamic”.

Well good for it. What higher ethical standard can a law aspire to than “un-Islamic”?

This means two things … 1: Islam has justified rape! … and 2: The Islamic idea of justified rape specifically includes those awkward months before the woman gets tried for divorce. So just to be clear … You’re a woman, and you find out the hard way that you married a righteous rapist, and now you want a divorce. Getting your consent back, is harder than getting a gun. There’s a trial and a lengthy waiting period. Fortunately for women, the divorce settlement process itself, does not take very long, because women don’t own property.

In some cases, though, I think the husband can get visitation rights to the vagina on weekends.

According to the Religion News Service: (quote) “The bill says a husband cannot force his wife to have sex if the couple have filed for divorce, dissolution or mutual separation, and if the intent is to transmit a sexual disease.” (end quote) … So the bill didn’t even target rapists with AIDS, unless they were actively intending to infect their victim. Am I crazy, or did someone just use religion to defend the rights of AIDS-spreading rapists?!? Do we really need to keep making this podcast?!?

Maldivian President declared law against marital rape “un-islamic” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/17/marital-rape-bill-maldives_n_4611006.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And from the “Golden Calf Showers” file, a Hindu cult in northern India is touting the medicinal benefits of drinking pre-dawn virgin cow urine. So they’re not complete idiots … At least they don’t go out there in the middle of the fucking day, and drink piss from slutty octo-mom cows, like a crazy person. Slutty cow piss burns when you drink it from the herpes. Either way, they’re giving a new meaning to the term India Pale Ale (or IPA).

Of course, it’s worth noting that this story comes to us from the paragon of journalistic integrity that is the Daily Mail, so we’ll take it with a grain of creatinine, but we’re reporting on it anyway because they had pictures. And honestly, if the real story here is “unscrupulous Daily Mail photographer coaxes Hindu man into catching cow urine with a drinking glass” it would still be newsworthy enough to make piss puns about.

According to the cult – and the studies they didn’t perform – the hot champagne helps fight cancer, diabetes, tuberculosis, stomach problems, and baldness. So even if drinking cow piss upsets your stomach, these guys have the cure for that … which is literally made up of the piss they made you drink.

See, that’s what I was wondering. Like, if you drink the cow piss and then drink your cow piss piss and then drink your cow piss piss piss, and so on, is that like Hindu homeopathy?

Jairam Singhal, a decade-long urinalcoholic, said the following about the undeniable success of the placebovine excrement remedy: (quote) “I had diabetes, but ever since I have started drinking cow urine, my diabetes levels have been under control” (end quote).

Basically: “I got a bunch of Diabetes about 10 years ago, and I immediately started drinking urine every morning. Thanks to the magic pee, I’ve completely avoided getting more Diabetes since. My levels haven’t gone up by a single Diabetus.”

I so want to see Wilfred Brimley doing a cow piss commercial now. And I’d point out that he is still alive to do it, but we record on Wednesday and release on Thursday so I don’t want to take any chances.

Large numbers of people dumb enough to buy urine, are lining up at local cow shelters. To keep up with surging demand, a successful “Milk, Milk, Lemonade Stand” has popped up in the city of Agra. Obviously, thanks to these honest-to-god piss-sippers, we’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … ‘Slogans for the Medicinal Urine Restaurant’ … GO!!!

“Not on the rug, man…”

“Eat shit and die. Drink piss and live.”

“Would you like to take a piss, or will that be for here?”

“The mens room and the dessert menu have Urinal Cakes!!!”

“Got cancer? Well urine luck!”

“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Number One in your mouth, Number One in your heart.”

“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Never avoid a void.”

“Home of Mixology’s first ever cure-all beverage: the Nitro-Gin and Tonic.”

“Why settle for McDonalds’ special sauce when you can have McTurated special sauce?”

“Milk, Milk, Lemonade: Drinking straight from the Bed Panacea.”

“Urinary Tract Perfection”

“Our famous Urine Sampler combo appetizer features assorted cheese whiz, golden drench fries, and potato leak soup.”

“The best leak since Snowden”

“We cross streams like Peter Venkman.”

“Bladder ingredients; Bladder Pizza”

Mop a Johns … What about: “The New Drinkable Cure For Cancer: Pittle. Yellow. Different. Better.”

Hindu cult thinks drinking cow piss cures cancer: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2538520/Urine-drinking-Hindu-cult-believes-warm-cup-sunrise-straight-virgin-cow-heals-cancer-followers-queuing-try-it.html

And finally tonight, in “Stimulate your clit for Jesus” news; wayward youth, dildo dealer and c-list porn star Farrah Abraham has announced a forthcoming book on Christian parenting; set to publish after the completion of her trilogy of erotic fiction. Or, as she actually said, (quote) “My next trilogy – so three books – is an erotic sex novel.” (end quote) Because, you know, she’s, like… a wordsmith and stuff.

And based on my extensive C-List research, she’s one of those dealers who’s also a user. She must go through dildos like a wood chipper.

You might remember Farrah from the MTV exploitation of soul-crushing adolescent mistakes and tragedies, “Teen Mom” but I’m kind of hoping you don’t. If you remember her at all I’d hope it was from the sex tape that she accidentally sold to a porn distributor for over a million dollars. Or perhaps you remember her from that awkward toe in the trigger guard of the shotgun moment you had when you realized that a teen mother cum porn actress cum sex toy seller wrote a book and it was a fucking NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER.

They say write what you know. And she knows getting knocked up at 15, the father dies in a redneck accident, “Lord of the Cock Rings” Trilogy, and finally Christian parenting. That’s a story people can relate to. Lots of dudes are thinking: “You just described my wife.”

And as sad as this story is for every piece of literature ever penned, I should note that it is a powerful reminder that someone can rise up out of poverty, teen pregnancy and untimely widowhood as long as they’re white and have great tits.

Good to know I’ve got potential.

Teen mom and B-list porn star to author Christian parenting book: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/01/17/teen-mom-who-leaked-her-sex-tape-announces-shes-writing-a-christian-parenting-book/

And on that reference to Heath’s moobs, we’ll close out the headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

I’m holding a rocks glass of scotch in my cleavage.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to learn that books of the Bible apparently have reruns.

Poem:

1 Chronicles in Rhyme

Have I told you the story about the crappy king Saul?

The ass-hunting bastard who squandered it all?

The Philistine fighter who lost many men?

Oh, I have? Well fuck you, I’m gonna tell it again.

Have I told you the story about the other king David?

Who defeated the Moabites and left them enslaved?

Whom god loved in battle and whom won every war?

I have? Oh well, fuck you, I’m gonna tell it some more.

How about Solomon? Did I tell you his tale?

The palace he built at incredible scale?

Oh, I told you he’s wise, super-fertile and rich?

Well I’ll tell you again, cause I’m First Chronicles, bitch.

That’s right, I’ve got nothing unspoken to say;

God said “read this book” and you have to obey.

So consider the previous four books as primers,

And consider this one to be god with Alzheimers.

You don’t care who begat Hezron, or who Hezron begat?

Or maybe you do, but you’ve got it down pat.

After all, we’ve discussed it, and I’ll even admit

This isn’t even the first time we’ve repeated that shit.

We’re just assuming our readers have piss-poor retention,

And clearly the editors aren’t paying attention,

So we’ll just repeat repetition and duplicate verse,

We’ll restate and rehash and reprise and rehearse.

And rework, and remind and reform and redo,

And resay, and revert and recast and renew,

Reconstruct, recrudesce, reproduce and rewrite

Refashion, reiterate, relive and recite.

Cause fuck it, it’s biblical and that all that counts.

So here’s nine chapters of names that no one can pronounce.

And maybe a chapter with a god praising song;

That’s a rip-off of Psalms and is two pages long.

I find describing how dull this book is rather challenging,

But in hopes that I can, here’s my nearest analogy;

Your at grandma’s and there’s this adorable clip that she found,

On YouTube of dogs chasing lasers around.

It’s twelve minutes long and it sucks and what’s more,

She’s shown you this same fucking montage before.

So you sit through it all and she says “Here’s another thing!”

Well First Chronicles is like the parts where the next one is buffering.

So sure, this books useless, and just makes the thing thicker,

And inspires those reading it to put bleach in their liquor,

But they need to remind you that like it or not,

The bible suck’s monkey nuts, in case you forgot.

Babble:

If, like me, you make it through the first twelve books of the bible and say, “well that was crap”, don’t feel alone. It turns out the people writing this shit felt the same way, as One Chronicles is basically an alternate account that retells the entire fucking story to this point with a few minor tweaks and additions.

Yeah, apparently biblical reboots come faster than Spiderman reboots. Somebody read this thing and said, “It needs more exactly the same stuff again”.

So joining us to reiterate and rephrase is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, thanks for coming back for more.

Well, I tried the old “not tonight, honey, I have a headache” thing, but you weren’t having any of that shit so here I am with fucking bells on.

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Apparently the people charged with summing up the first dozen books read them and said to themselves, “You know what parts suck? The ones that aren’t soul-crushing genealogies,” because they elected to start the book out with nine straight chapters of begats. So not much to summarize there, basically Adam was born and everyone who existed from then to the postexilic period is named there somewhere. What’s say we start in chapter ten?
Yeah, in case anybody forgot what a horrible fuck up Saul was, we rehash how the Israelites got their asses kicked under his command. Again.

And with Saul’s last words, he asked his gay slave to kill him, (quote) “lest these uncircumcised come and abuse me.” So the gimp refuses, and Saul falls on his own sword, to avoid capture and the inevitable lifetime of … apparently some sort of legendary Phillistine foreskin slap torture.

But then at the end it reminds you that it was because Saul consulted a medium instead of the Lord; so calling miss Cleo justifies the massacre and displacement of god’s chosen people. Got it.

Chapter eleven is a brief list of ancient Jewish badasses, and a few vainglorious accounts of the ass they kicked.
Yeah, at a certain point it just starts reading like a really long, rambling acceptance speech at the Oscars. You know, somebody who just won best costume design in a foreign language documentary is holding up the show thanking everyone they’ve ever met: “And I’d like to thank all the Benjamites and the Judahites that came to the stronghold of David; and I want to thank Ahiezer, Joash, Jeziel and Pelet for bringing David bread when he was unable to move about freely, and where all my Manassites at? Adnah, Jozabad, Jedial, Mikey, my main man Elihu…”
1. Yeah, so to summarize what Noah just said there, this book is boring compared to the Oscars. That should tell you all you need to know.
Then there’s the groovy remix of “Uzzah gets killed for touching the ark”
1. It’s like the book itself is admitting that it’s too boring to read. It’s saying “Yeah, this dude Uzzah exploded when he touched the ark but we can’t imagine you weren’t skimming when we talked about it before”

This book is sounding more and more like the Chris Farley show: Remember…Remember when “Seven And they carried the ark of God on a new cart, from the house of Abinadab, and Uzzah and Ahio were driving the cart. Eight And David and all Israel were celebrating before God with all their might, with song and lyres and harps and tambourines and cymbals and trumpets.” … That was awesome … Stupid- I’m such an idiot!!!

And so that you know we’re not overstating the boring here, consider this; we’re not just reading unpronounceable lists of bronze age Jewish royalty; we’re re-reading unpronounceable lists of bronze age Jewish royalty.
1. Well, re-skimming…
And in case you somehow managed to miss the entire central theme of the last four books we just fucking read, One Chronicles reminds us that David is awesome and kicks much ass.
I can’t help but think of the profound disappointment that people must have felt when Luther translated this thing. You know, it’s supposed to be this magical book of intrigue and answers that all the priests refer to, so you finally get a vulgar masses, Reader’s Digest translation, you leaf to a random page and land in One Chronicles. And it’s a list of the members of some ancient choir that sang at the “Ark Relocation” party.
Chapter seventeen reminds us that god liked David the bestest of everybody. Ever.

Yeah God is pleased with David for carrying his exploding death-box around, and also for fucking anything with three holes, so he gives him a really nice house for his harem of 3000 women and their shitty red-headed step-children. Bottom line: God’s happy and David’s getting more ass than Muhammad Ali aiming for pussy.

I get the feeling like this whole book was inspired by somebody reading the last four books and saying, “I can’t imagine a more boring way to present the history of Israel” and another guy saying, “I can”
1. It’s like listening to a kid tell a joke they don’t get over and over again.

Yeah reading One Chronicles is like listening to your shitty five-year-old nephew tell a joke on the phone. First you get 30 seconds of what sounds like … a litter of puppies fighting to lick bacon grease off the receiver … while the stupid kid gets the phone in his hand. And then they put italics and question marks in there for no reason … “Yeah and then Abishai? the son of Zeruiah? Killed 18,000 Edomites in the (breathe) Valley of Salt-okay-bye.”

In nineteen we revisit the whole Ammonite servant-shaving war… because… I don’t even know. Ancient Israel must have just been that boring.
1. Right? A few emissaries get wedgied by Hanun and they’re gossiping about it for four god damn centuries? Seriously?

Here’s a quote: “So Hanun took David’s servants and shaved them and cut off their garments in the middle, at their hips, and sent them away.” I think we made an ass-less chaps joke when they told this exact same story the first time. Which was hilarious … Ass-less chaps on dessert-dwelling Jewish midgets is just about 24-carat comic gold … But we didn’t mention the genius wardrobe suggestion for a Koran-friendly compromise on Muslim porn. The women can trade in their eye slit, for a tit slit, or a slit slot.

And you can tell there’s an inferiority complex driving this whole thing. It all reads like some subjugated motherfuckers sitting around going, “remember when Jews kicked ass?”

There’s a reason “Knocked Up” wasn’t two hours of Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen getting drunk and talking about the movie “Munich”.

And then we’re reminded of the evils of census taking. Which is weird, because Moses did it twice in Numbers and nobody had to be plagued to death over it. But yeah, the trip down memory cul-de-sac continues.
Yep. We relive all the excitement of counting the cedar trees used to build the temple as we transition from David to Solomon in chapter twenty-two.
Yes, and lest we forget, Levites don’t have to do work.
1. Probably the single most oft repeated edict in this book so far; Levites are special and don’t have to do shit that’s sweaty.
And chapter twenty-four is probably the current leader for the most boring individual chapter in the bible. It’s a detailed genealogy of Moses and Aaron, which we already read once in the Pentateuch, once at the beginning of this same book and again in the directly antecedent chapter!
And it holds that title until chapter twenty five, where we get a detailed twenty-four part genealogy of the lyre, harp and cymbal players. Fuckeringfuckatash.

I don’t get it. Jews are a musical people. But a possessed frontman having spasms and speaking in tongues … accompanied by lyre, harp, and cymbals … would be the worst band ever!!! First of all, lyre and harp are almost the same thing, so how is that two thirds of the instrumentation?!? And then add people smashing metal discs together. That’s not a reasonable composition.

And then they follow up the biblical “This one time at band camp” story with an even more detailed genealogy of all the bouncers that worked the temple door.
…And then one for all the civil servants.
I feel like an ass even covering this book. It’s just Samuel again. It’s the whole two fucking books retold. We honestly could have done this book as a “greatest hits” mash up of our last four Babble segments. In twenty eight we’re reminded of just how fucking gilded this temple Solomon was building was.
1. The temple of our housewife of Beverly Hills
And then David dies again, Solomon is anointed again, they kill a bunch of bulls again and holy shit this reading the bible shit was a horrible idea.

I’m so excited there’s another Chronicles coming up after this one … Like Hayden Christensen excited. Annakin was the bomb in Phantom Menace, so…
Word, bitch, Phantom Menace like a motherfucker!!!
I feel like a rape victim at half-time. It’s confusing … poignant moment.

I don’t know, I feel like we should apologize to our listeners for how boring the Bible is. An encyclopedia would be more fucking entertaining. I can’t imagine how we’re gonna keep from putting them to sleep when we do Second Chronicles.

Well, look on the bright side; at least you don’t have to write a fucking poem about it.

Alright, so after all that this is hard for me to say, but the Holy Babble will be back in episode 52 with Second Chronicles, but don’t worry, I’m sure that one will be awesome.

Outro:

Before we close the hood tonight I wanted to thank everyone for their ideas for mash-ups and flashbacks for our fiftieth episode next week. We’re still taking suggestions so if you have a favorite skit, moment, interview or vulgarity from our first forty-nine shows, let us know. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page of our website.

And if you just can’t get enough me, you can find me all over the podcasting world this week. Tom and Cecil were kind enough to invite me back on Cognitive Dissonance to give them a Tarot reading; Cash and Love from Atheists on Air invited me on their show last Monday to talk about sex and circumcision and John and JD at Rational Talk invited me on to chat about this program and all the behind-the-scenes stuff it takes to pull it off every week. You’ll find links to all these shows on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Cognitive Dissonance; Episode 134: http://dissonancepod.com/?p=702

Rational Talk; Homepage: http://www.therationaltalk.com/

Atheists On Air; Episode 29: http://mythunderstoodalliance.com/029-sexpisode-iv-scathing-atheist-steve-wells-sab/

Of course I need to thank Heath for all his wit and wisdom. I need to thank Lucinda for suffering through probably the most boring book of the bible so far with us. I also really, really need to thank McKenzie and McKenzie’s mom for providing the hand’s-down cutest Farnsworth Quote to date. Lucinda and I listened to it four times in a row when we got it. Thanks, it was awesome.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most stellar exemplifications of sentient stardust, Shelby, Vinnie, John, Geoff (Jeff), Magnus, Thomas, Ramesh and Ben. Shelby, who’s so kick ass they named a Mustang after her back when Mustangs looked cool; Vinnie, whose mighty member is worshipped by island peoples throughout the Pacific; John, whose legendary sexual prowess echoes on the lips of carnal professionals the world over; Geoff (Jeff), whose IQ has exponents; Magnus, the supreme chancellor of the intergalactic defense federation; Thomas, whose humility forced Time Magazine to settle for the Pope last year; Ramesh, whose so classy he gets his whoop-ass from a bottle; and Ben, whose ejaculations are measured on the enhanced Fujita scale.

This octuple of brave, soulless individuals have tested their mettle against the unforgiving crucible that is our donation page and returned stronger, smarter and more appealing to members of the opposite sex. If you think that you, too, have the psychological acuity required to become a sponsor of our show, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And remember, Lucinda and I need to buy a new timing belt and all the other requisite auto-parts that constitute a full vehicle, preferably all pre-assembled and fully functional, so every dollar helps.

And of course, if you want to help but you’re afraid we’ll just use the money to buy booze, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes and telling your friends about the show, especially the ones who might listen to it. You can also find us on all the finest social media sites and Facebook and don’t forget to listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Christianity, Farrah Abraham, First Chronicles, Heath Enwright, jesus, nun fucking, One Chronicles, piss drinking, Rick Saccone, tarot, tarot cards

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