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Episode 44 – Partial Transcript

December 19, 2013 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

 

Warning: I took an Advil PM an hour ago so I can’t remember what I’m supposed to say, but Heath and Noah are gonna say fuck.

 

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Jesus-themed Chinese Restaurant chain “Wok on Water”; from the team that brought you the delicious Jewish/Asian Fusion Cuisine Cho-Zen.  Come in and try this week’s special, Peking of Kings Duck with Easter Egg Drop Soup.

Wok on Water: The masters of cruci-fried rice.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday

It’s December 19th

And Kickers and Defense shouldn’t count in fantasy football.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from bitterly frigid New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • We learn humans came on Earth via arcing ropes of panspermia.

  • We find out that reindeer games are more hockey than basketball,

  • And Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will join us to rescue a shred of dignity, after the Paul Walker necrophilia jokes.

But first, the diatribe…

 

Diatribe:

This past weekend Heath and I were playing each other in the semi-finals of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists; a fantasy league we play in with a bunch of other secular podcasters and bloggers.  And I don’t just bring this up so that I have an excuse to mention that I trounced him and will face off against Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance in the Championship Game this weekend.  There’s also a minor detail that clumsily segues into the point of this week’s diatribe.

So I’m watching Eddie Lacy lead an amazing comeback victory amid a burgeoning 24.3 point fantasy performance that would ultimately best Heath and end his fantasy season in crushing defeat and I’m doing so with a couple of friends.  One of them is a nice enough guy, but he’s one of those athletic precog-wannabes that constantly says shit like, “Watch, this next one’s gonna be a touchdown”, or “I bet he throws an interception here”.  He’s wrong as often as odds would suggest he would be but on the rare occasion that he gets one right, he starts planning his future as a psychic crime fighter.

And as I’m listening to Nostra-dumb-ass rattle off his predictions, I can’t help but think of all the easy parallels between that and religion.  This tendency to take credit for shit you obviously had nothing to with even if it means willfully ignoring how often you’re wrong.

We talked about one of the micro-manifestation of this two weeks ago when I bitched for four minutes about athletes thanking god when they win and not sacrificing the appropriate number of bulls when they lose.  Thanks for the win, Jesus, and sorry the desolate one got the best of you in the three consecutive losses that led to it.  Thanks for the parking space, Jesus, and I’m sure you had a good reason for intentionally making me drive around SoHo for 20 minutes before you provided it.

And as much as it pisses me off to adopt the “good thing happened therefore god did it” attitude, it’s nothing compared to the equally common “good thing happened therefore Christians did it” attitude.

Consider it on the historical scale.  There are plenty of Christians that will tell you the church led the charge to end slavery around the world.  But they’ll conveniently leave out the fact that the church also led the opposition to the charge  to end slavery around the world.  They try to take credit for civil rights, for women’s suffrage for fuck’s sake.  In fifty years they’ll be telling us how religion paved the way toward equality for gays.

But now dial it back a bit and consider it on the cultural scale.  And I won’t have to reach too far to find my example.  Consider all the “reason for the season” bullshit that pissed you off on Facebook this week.  Consider the desperate attempts to claim authorship for all the various pagan celebrations that have survived and coalesced  through societal evolution over the years and how jealously they guard their dominion over them.

I know the point’s been made plenty of times before, but none of the good parts of Christmas are Christian.  The gifts, the lights, the tree, the mistletoe, the joy, the charity, the tinsel, the feasts, the family, the elvish reverse-burglar, the emotionally manipulative TV commercials, the caroling, the stars, the remote control helicopters… all of these things have non-Christian origins.  And I’m willing to bet that if you keep all that shit and take out the Baby Jesus stuff and the guilt-induced church attendance, people wouldn’t stop celebrating Christmas.  And if you took out the Pagan stuff it would be as popular as Epiphany or Ash Wednesday.

And as vociferously as they protest anytime somebody makes the claim that Christmas is a secular holiday, they don’t own it.  They don’t have any claim to it.  They don’t have a copyright on presents or Santa Claus or decorated trees.  And while we’re at it, they don’t have exclusive claim to joy, forgiveness, happiness or goodwill.  Hell, they don’t even have a monopoly on fictional guys with beards and magic powers that judge you morally and bestow gifts accordingly.

They started the war on Christmas when they stole in the first place.  There’s nothing at all wrong with fighting back.

 

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is first runner-up in the semi-final round of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to watch jealously as I compete for the title next week?

Fuck Justin Tucker.

In our lead story tonight, Judge Brian M. Cogan of the Federal District Court in Brooklyn has granted the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York a judicial prophylactic against the provision of the Affordable Care Act that would require they provide contraceptive care to the employees of their non-profit affiliates.  Judge Cogan found that giving the church no right to dictate the lawful sexual behavior of people they tangentially employed would be a violation of the first amendment.

Will the insurance cover paper towels to clean up after you pull out?

No, I think that still counts.  Keep in mind that nobody’s asking these bishops to buy condoms and distribute them to their employees.  And nobody’s requiring that anybody buy or use contraceptives of any kind.  They’re just requiring that employers provide healthcare that covers contraceptives without a co-pay; and not just because Satan loves rubbers.  It’s also at least subtly influenced by the fact that contraceptives are way cheaper than pregnancies and all the good kinds of abortion.

Are you sure about the good abortions?  How much could it possibly cost to get all these women one coat hanger each?!?  The ones that work in the same office could even share.

Court sides with Archdiocese in contraception controversy: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/17/nyregion/new-york-archdiocese-wins-ruling-on-contraception.html?_r=0&adxnnl=1&rref=nyregion&hpw=&adxnnlx=1387310059-n3uEUr09A3o8ZSYIdyqc4A

And in “Panspermia” news . . . No I am not talking about the new stir-fry dish at “Wok on Water”.  Nor am I speaking of the penalty for being a shitty customer at Pizza Hut.  I’m talking about the the book by alleged ecologist Doctor Ellis Silver, entitled “Humans Are Not From Earth: A Scientific Evaluation of the Evidence”.  

Oh, well if it says “scientific” right there in the title…

First reaction: Real scientists shouldn’t need to expressly announce in the title, that their studies are (quote) “scientific evaluations of evidence”.  Those are the fucking rules already.  

Yeah, it does have an “I swear I’m not lying” ring to it…

That being said, let’s take a look at some of Dr. Silver’s super-sciencey stuff . . . which he chose not to publish in scientific journals, because he wants to engender non-expert debate on the subject.

Of course…

So he had a bunch of theories, including “Humans just don’t feel at home on Earth”.  But my favorite one is (quote) “The size of babies’ heads present a problem for women when giving birth” (end quote). So he’s saying, if women aren’t aliens, why don’t they have giant vaginas?!? … If anything, the problem isn’t small vaginas . . . It’s our huge penises.  Can’t speak for everyone, but Irish Brothas be performin’ C-Sections.  So apparently aliens from Alpha Centauri are smart enough to travel multiple lightyears between solar systems, but can’t manage to find a planet that matches their snatch size?!?  

Interesting story selection, by the way.  It sounds less like a story we would normally cover on the Scathing Atheist and more like a story Andy would have given you for the InKredulous podcast we recently guested on before switching you out to a different story at the last minute leaving you with a fully written story you didn’t need.  Weird.

Panspermians looking to debunk Darwin: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2507377/Humans-NOT-come-Earth–sunburn-bad-backs-pain-labour-prove-expert-claims.html

And from the “I’m Dreaming of a White Christian” file, Fox News anchor and shrieking bobblehead Megyn Kelly offended people who are and are not white last week when she insisted that despite the perplexing historical and genealogical implications, Jesus was white.  And as if trying to camouflage the stupidity of that claim amid the larger stupidity of another, she couched it as an example to bolster the claim that Santa Claus is also white.

Well he’s giving gifts to a whole bunch of different kids, in different houses on Christmas, so he sounds more like a black guy to me.  Although he is a job creator, so it’s hard to say.

This tangent into xenophobic insanity came as a response to calls for some racial inclusivity in the Santa legend.  After all [spoiler alert] Santa doesn’t actually exist, so why can’t we warm our children’s hearts with stories about black men breaking into their homes once a year?

How about a compromise?  Santa can still be white, but the elves that work for him without compensation can be black.  And instead of reindeer he can have Mexicans.  Hold on, that makes no sense.  The sweat-shop elves should be Mexican, and the reindeer should be black.

On Shizzle, on Nizzle, on T-Bone and Pookie…

But it’s a white dude naming the black sleigh slaves . . .  

So like “On Toby, on Rupert, on Django … on Pookie.”

Jesus can say say cracker: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-brad-hirschfield/santa-is-white-really_b_4433624.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003 <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/13/the-unbearable-whiteness-of-being-megyn-kelly-jon-stewart-skewers-fox-news-caucasian-persuasion/ <<and>> http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/12/tabula-reza-foxs-megyn-kelly-insists-jesus-was-a-white-guy-reza-aslan-responds/

And from the “So Many Holes, So Little Crime” file, Judge Clark Waddoups of the US District Court in Utah, ruled in favor of the polygamous family from the reality show “Sister Wives”, declaring a law against their plural marriages unconstitutional.

And the anti-gay-marriage lobby’s collective echo of “Told ya so!” could be heard throughout the country.  “Next it’s gonna be them fellers what fuck sheep an’ stuff!”

The show documents the life of Kody Brown and his family of four wives and seventeen children.  Clearly wanting to set me up for a “Big Love” joke, Brown is about 6’4″ – 250, and appears to like his women the same way, with matching feathered, blond, David Spade haircuts.

Yeah, if we’re just going by weight, marrying any one of these gals is polygamy.

So now that we’re on the subject of the vagina-heavy sexual exploits of these genius bigamist bastards,

I see where you’re going. 30 seconds on the clock … Mormon Porn Stars and Titles: GO!

Does it have to be shit porn, like last week?- Nevermind doesn’t matter: “8 Wives, 1 Cup”

No it doesn’t have to be shit porn, but if it did, I would lead off with Glenn Pecker starring in “Nobody Swallows Shit Like Mormons”

“Dry County Golden Showers”

Clit Romney in “Nymphos and Nephites”… a follow up to her 2009 hit “Laying the Lamanites”

Brigham Hung in “The Great Salty Lake”

Damn it.  I was gonna go with the “Great Salt Lick” but now I have to change it.  Um… How about “Polygamy, myself and Irene… and Cassandra and Judith and Sharon and Anne”?

Ted Bundy’s Magical Undies … That’s right: Serial killer extraordinaire Ted Bundy was a Mormon.

I’m surprised the momos don’t advertise that more… it would make them seem less like pansies.  Okay, how about Tony “Big Bologna” Moroni in “Brides and Prejudice”?

“Missionary Position: Finger on the Front Buzzer” . . . And of course: “Missionary Position Number 2: Getting Pushy at the Rear Entrance”

Described by critics as a Polyga-must see.  And of course, the homo-momo-erotic classic; Trey Park-it and Matt Blown present “The Book of More-Men”

Utah judge strikes down anti-polygamy law: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/12/14/21903224-federal-judge-strikes-down-key-parts-of-utahs-polygamy-law-in-sister-wives-ruling

So I guess we’ll close it quick before Heath realizes that recently deceased crappy actor Paul Walker was a Mormon and starts suggesting Mormon necrophilia porn titles…

The Recently Passed and the Curious?

Well, they do practice posthumous baptism so they do have experience moistening dead people.

And on that lovely image, we’ll close headlines for tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

 

And when we come back Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta will sit down with me for a much tamer conversation about the problems that young atheists face when openly declaring their disbelief.

Interview: Hemant Mehta

Link to Hemant’s Blog: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/

Link to Hemant’s Book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Young-Atheists-Survival-Guide/dp/1939221072

Link to Secular Student Alliance: http://www.secularstudents.org/

Link to Freedom From Religion Foundation: http://ffrf.org/

Link to Reddit/Atheism: http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/

 

Outro:

Before we set up camp for the night, I wanted to remind everyone that if you hear this before the 21st, you still have time to nominate us for a Stitcher Award at Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com.  You can nominate up to once per day and you can nominate us in multiple categories so we strongly suggest that you do that.

I also wanted to thank Cat and Mouse for giving Heath and I our first opportunity to actually meet a couple of our listeners.  Probably a way bigger deal for us than it was for them so thanks for that and sorry for constantly looking over your shoulders to see how Le’Veon Bell was doing but hey, it’s the fantasy playoffs, you know?

I also need to thank Heath for being funny enough to get away with saying the shit he says.  I need to thank Lucinda for lending us her lovely voice to open the show, I need to thank Hemant Mehta one more time and remind you that as good as the first half of that interview was, the second half is even better.  And you have a week to read his book before you hear that, so if you want to do the homework, you’ll find a link to it and to his blog on the shownotes for this episode

And of course, I’ve got to thank Andy Wilson of the Merseyside Skeptics and the InKredulous Podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for inviting Heath and me to join him on his incredibly hilarious show.  Look for that episode coming in the very near future and look for a link on our Twitter feed and Facebook page as soon as said link is available.

http://www.merseysideskeptics.org.uk/category/podcast/inkredulous-podcast/

But most of all tonight I need to thank this week’s most tremendous terrestrials, Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin.  Jacqueline, whose sexual magnetism carries a court-ordered pacemaker warning; Ward, whose statuesque physique would be a frustratingly persuasive argument in favor of intelligent design; Bill, whose voice is so sexy it makes automated operator’s come; Tim, who chops through flaming, steel girders with his dick; Katja, whose genetic perfection is so absolute they’re renaming a nucleotide after her; Jeffrey, whose legendary swordsmanship and nautical notoriety are the reason so many pirates are missing an eye; Wolfgang, whose name would kick anybody else’s name’s ass in a fight except possibly Magnus and Benjamin, whose inevitable greatness is so palpable that statues have already been commissioned in advance of his world-altering accomplishments.

These eight elegant, admirable and accommodating altruists proved themselves in the only non-Jenga related way that matters this week by giving us money.  Only the atheists that believe in god the least have the incredulity required to give us money, but if you think you share the superlative skepticism of Jacqueline, Ward, Bill, Tim, Katja, Jeffrey, Wolfgang and Benjamin, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help us out but you have kids and it’s December, you can help us a ton for free by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and telling a friend about the show.  If you need more Scathe in your life you can find us on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and we have a blog and occasionally, there’s shit on that too.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 42 – Partial Transcript

December 5, 2013 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

 

Warning, this podcast contains explicit language and obscure SAT words.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by…

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And now, the Scathing Atheist…

 

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s December 5th,

And non-sequiturs have NO rules!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from mostly harmless New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode

  • New Mexico offers a 90-day return policy if your god is broken,

  • We’ll bring a towel,

  • And Kansas City finds a way to escape the Matrix and get to Zion.

But first, the diatribe…

 

Diatribe:

So I was watching football last week, and no, you limey bastards, I don’t mean soccer.  Clearly the word “football” belongs to the people who hijacked it for a game where kicking the ball is against the rules in almost every situation, despite the nearly global agreement to the contrary, led by the people who both coined the term and invented the language it was coined in.  Because America, damn it.  And sometimes Canada, damn it, too.

And speaking of damn it, damn it if the postgame interviews weren’t brought to you by Jesus.  And Subway.

Some reporter is interviewing the paragon of intellectualism that stuffed the run on 4th down and ended the game and in response to the question; “Do you have to play the run differently when you’re dealing with a mobile quarterback?”  This nincompoop prefaces his answer with “First of all, I want to thank Jesus Christ; it all starts with him.”

Yeah, run-blitzing starts with Jesus.  Because how the fuck are you supposed to wrap up a tackle if nobody had died for your sins?  And wasn’t it Christ the savior stuffing the A gap and forcing the runner inside?  No?  That was a real human that exists?  Then fuck you and answer the question you blathering neanderthal.  Nobody tuned into the broadcast this afternoon saying, “Boy, I hope we get some sage-like theological nuggets from the nose guard once this is over.”  Your a linebacker.  We don’t even want to hear you talk about football, let alone your lord and savior, baby Jesus.

This stuff pisses me off and not just for the obvious reason that it only goes one way.  As Carlin points out, you never hear “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage”.  Except for Bills Wideout Stevie Johnson who once lamented over a dropped ball that cost his team a game by Tweeting, “I praise you 24/7 and this is how you do me!!!”

And beyond that, there’s the implication that god loves you more than the other team.  When future hall of famer and probably murderer Ray Lewis talked to the media after last year’s Superbowl, he actually said, “If god is for you, who can be against you?”  Implying that god personally decided that the Ravens would win and, in a roundabout way, that the 49ers are the minions of the devil.

And if that’s not enough, consider the insult to everybody who actually did something.  Think about how many people directly impacted the team’s victory more than Jesus.  He could have thanked his teammates, his coaches, his trainers, his mom, his fluffer… all of those people deserve the thanks more than some nomadic Jewish felon from the iron age.

But more than all of that; more than the selective application, the egocentrism and the corporeal snubbing, what pisses me off most when I hear these impromptu benedictions is that the Jesus-groupies have no idea that they’re being assholes.  And even after that extensive but not exhaustive list of why it pisses me off, plenty of Christians would hear this diatribe and say “He’s just expressing his opinion!  Why shouldn’t he be allowed to express his views?  Why, Noah, you’re allowed to express your views every week on this podcast.  Doesn’t he deserve the same liberty?”

No and fuck you rhetorical voice of opposition.  It’s just another special privilege that religion gets and nothing else gets.  If he wants to start a Christian podcast or thank Jesus at his church I’m not gonna bitch about it… as much.  But we were talking about football and all of a sudden we’re on to the lord almighty.

Can you imagine if people were like that about their political views or… anything else at all?  Some sideline reporter says, “How does this win affect your playoff chances?” and somebody says, “First of all, I just want to say that embryos aren’t babies, it all starts with that,” or “Before I answer that, I just want to thank Xena for all the erections,” or “Well, it all starts with the fact that the X-Men would fuck the Avengers up in a fight”  I don’t care if I agree with what you’re saying or not, you’re still being an asshole.  We’re not talking about politics or comics or warrior princesses or god-damned god, we’re talking about football.

But they don’t see it that way.  They think they’re doing a good thing.  They think they’re being humble and most of the people who hear it think the same thing.  They ignore all the theological implication of a god who answers mid-third quarter prayers from millionaire athletes and ignores the kids with cancer and the people who had money on the other team.  Something good happened, so it was Jesus.  Thanks Jesus!

But I’m willing to bet they’d recognize the problem damn quick if he’d said, “I just want to thank Allah for being the real god” or even something like “I’d just like to thank Darwinian evolution for the genetic mutations that made me six foot eight, 330 pounds and able to withstand bovine doses of steroids.”

And besides, football has already disproven the existence of god.  Just ask Tebow.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is my equally atheistic about ancient Japanese gods co-host, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to blaspheme against Fujin, Shinto god of the wind?

Love these opening segments.  I feel like an atheist with Tourette’s.  Fuck Fujin, Shinto god of the wind. Fuck him and the Akabeko he rode in on.

Well done.  In our lead story tonight the American Civil Liberties Union has filed a lawsuit against the US Conference of Catholic Bishops for the offence of owning hospitals while being a group of callous, misogynistic cock-warts.

Hospitals 101: Doctors should avoid cock-warts, and related calluses.  

The lawsuit centers around the medical mistreatment of one Tamesha Means by the Catholic owned “Mercy Health Muskegon Hospital” back in 2010 and the story is almost fucked up enough to be Irish.  Means made several trips to the emergency room due to complications in an 18 week pregnancy and, of course, medical procedure and human decency would suggest that the doctors should inform her that unless she terminated the pregnancy she was risking permanent damage, her own survival and, by the way, the baby would almost certainly not survive.  But medical procedure and human decency were, in this case, trumped by Catholic doctrine.

Did they at least offer her the option of paying more for a real doctor, with a second opinion about maybe avoiding the double-murder scenario?!?   

No and they didn’t have to because until now, no lawsuit has successfully challenged the deplorably insane concept of having men trained in nothing but superstition and bullshit setting medical policy.  With 13 percent of American Hospitals already owned by Catholic organizations and more being gobbled up all the time, many have accused the Catholic church of trying to circumvent the laws they don’t like by taking over the medical industry, and in case I’m wrong about that, “Hello!  They’re trying to circumvent the laws they don’t like by taking over the medical industry!”  There.  Now I’m right.

I’d be willing to allow the existence of Catholic hospitals like this, as long as they have a huge surgeon general’s cigarette warning on the building, and also doctors get to rewrite the Bible.

ACLU sues Catholicism for owning hospitals while being heartless pricks: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory/aclu-sues-us-bishops-catholic-hospital-ethics-21074634

And in “Holy Craps Free Roll” news, Sagebrush Community Church of Albuquerque, New Mexico is offering a 90-day risk-free trial on their wishing well service.  If you wager 10% of your paycheck as tithing, and God fails to answer your prayers during that quarter, you can request your money back, as long as you’re willing to literally take it from the collection plate held by the poor kid that would otherwise get the money.    

God: As trustworthy as the slap-chop and the Turbie-Twist.  Somehow that still doesn’t quite do it for me.

Here’s how the guy explained it to me, before trying to sell me a timeshare in Vegas: (quote) “That’s right, if you’re willing to pay up front, we’ll let you pray for free!!!  If anything good happens like not dying, that was us, and we keep the money.  If you die, that was also us, sending you to heaven, and we keep the money.  In all other circumstances, we’ll issue a refund.” (end quote)  So it’s basically after-life insurance, that pays off if you go to hell.  

And there’s probably eternal lifetime limits, or they’ll say you were damned before you started tithing or something.

Albuquerque church offers refunds if the god you buy is broken: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/30/church-offers-a-90-day-money-back-guarantee-to-tithers-if-god-doesnt-reward-them/

And in “It’s Only Okay If I Fart in the Elevator” news tonight, Christians are incensed about a plaque that is now hanging on the walls of the Illinois Capitol Building courtesy of the Freedom From Religion Foundation.  The plaque reads, in its entirety:

At this season of THE WINTER SOLSTICE may reason prevail.

There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell.

There is only our natural world.

Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.

Wow that’s WAY more tame than the atheist plaque we proposed.  

Yeah, apparently they wouldn’t allow one made entirely of human fecal matter either.  FFRF Co-President Annie Laurie Gaylor explained that prosthelytizing atheism in a courthouse wasn’t exactly their goal.  (quote) “We don’t think that religion, or irreligion, belong at the seat of the state government.  But if religious displays are going up in state capitols, then our display representing the freethought point of view will be there, too.”

And incredulous religious people aren’t even aware that their anger proves our point …   If religion thinks they can fart in the elevator, atheists are gonna take it a step further, and give them a dirty sanchez.  For the uninitiated, I’m describing a shit mustache.     

Which would not be the rudest behavior I’ve ever seen on a New York elevator.  While some atheists have complained that the plaque is too strongly worded, though others have complained that it isn’t made out of fecal matter with the words “Fuck Jesus” printed in 666 point type.

FFRF places atheist plaque in Illinois Capitol building: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/01/atheist-sign-goes-up-in-illinois-capitol-building/

And in “Glory Hole-llelujah” news, Kansas City residents are flocking to public phone-prayer booths, complete with a kneeler bar, where they can comfortably and discreetly say prayers, blow God, and get wishes granted.  

We’re in for a lot of cocksucking jokes, aren’t we?

Saw that coming?  

No, I closed my eyes just in time.

The city originally planned to buy everyone a magic lamp . . . but there was the big genie strike, and it went over-budget.  Realizing how ridiculous the lamp thing was, they installed the God Phones as a more realistic alternative.  

It’s like the mailbox for Santa letters, only instead of cute, it’s tragic.  They even have the little prayer hands on the side of them so you know you’re surrounded by stupid even if nobody’s in the act of immaculate felatio at that moment.

There’s a disclaimer, warning that although not required, (quote) “Religious actions may take place within these prayer booths.”  They also mention that (quote) “Improper use will result in a penalty or fine.”  So no trickery . . . No praying for more prayers.  And secular hope is technically permitted, but highly frowned upon.    

Although if you have a note from your Wiccan high priestess, I’m sure you could get away with beating off in one of those things.

One KC resident – and avid Chiefs fan – prayed for a Peyton Manning ankle injury in week 13.  Instead, it turned out he was NOT physically injured by her phone call, he put up 403 yards, 5 touchdowns, and led the Broncos to a win.  So results may vary … to include complete failure.  If she really wanted the Chiefs to win, she probably needed to swallow.  

Okay, that’s only five and a half pole-smoking jokes so far.  I don’t think we’ve quite drained all the on-your-knees for Jesus, cum-guzzling potential out of this story yet.

No we haven’t.  And we strive for every last drop.  So according to an ad campaign by the new phone company: “God’s hung like Dr. Manhattan: Big, blue, and everywhere.”  And speaking of too much blue tooth, it’s possible the Chiefs fan didn’t read the instructions.  That’s right, the blowjob prayer phone . . . has instructions.  Instruction Number 1: “No Blue Tooth, and Cradle Ma Bells.”  So right there  . . . And Instruction Number 2 (no pun intended): “Feel free to put your mouth on both ends of the receiver.”  

Kansas town adds “prayer booths” to “call god”: http://topekasnews.com/kansas-town-installs-phone-prayer-booths-residents-can-call-god-whenever-need/

Quota achieved.  Well handled.  And in Strategic Gay-Bashing news tonight, Cardinal Timothy Dolan’s consolin’ the colon patrolin’ souls in his folds but he scolds them and holds that the souls with their poles in dude’s holes aren’t controlled because his goals were outsold.  And if you were lost in the rhythm there, I he said that Catholics were “out-marketed” on the gay marriage issue.

They weren’t OUT-marketed.  They were marketed . . . correctly . . . for free.  Gays haven’t been left wondering what the Catholics have to say about the cosmic risks of misusing the word “marriage”.

Yeah, I think he’s wrong here, but it’s fair to say that as a whole, they’re getting their vatic-asses handed to them in the marketing department.  They’re still reeling from the “institutionally butt raping children for generations” kerfuffle after finally getting over the “Conspiring with the Nazis” faux pas.  It’s clear to me that the Catholic Church is, indeed, in need of a new PR department.  Hell, when you can’t sell your bigotry in America, you’ve gotta be phoning it in.

Well they could stop raping kids, abetting holocausts, and hating gays.  But I suppose a new marketing solution makes the more sense.  If only there was something that was worth a thousand homophobic slur words.    

And that’s why good bigots need good logos.  Swastikas, burning crosses, the word “Fags” with the ghostbusters symbol over it… these have all proven effective in the past.  The skinheads need something to tattoo on their faces and Leviticus 18:22 is too long for a prison tat.

Nothing says the N-word, the K-word, the F-word, the D-word, the sword, the T-word, the TR-word, the TH-word, and the Z-word, better than bigoted graphic design.

Cardinal Dolan: Catholics were “Out Marketed” on gay marriage: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/29/catholics-outmarketed-on-gay-marriage-cardinal-dolan-says/

And from the “Young Man-Slaughter” file, after God demonstrated his existence by allowing an infant to sustain traumatic brain injuries during a car crash in St. Petersburg, Russia, the confident theist parents rushed their bleeding baby to an emergency baptism.  Unfortunately, the priest – despite being a talented holistic brain surgeon – was unable to revive the child, as the only water available on short notice was normal secular di-hydrogen oxide.  

So what, are you saying the homeopathic medicine didn’t work either?  And did he even rebuke the demon of brain trauma?  Pat Robertson would have rebuked the demon of brain trauma.

After doing some extensive research, Russian authorities confirmed the existence of several medical doctors in the St. Petersburg area, and will prosecute the parents.  When asked why they didn’t head straight for a hospital, the infanticidal maniacs explained how they were on the way to get a new brain from a scarecrow, but the Yellow Brick Road was jammed with rush hour traffic.           

And in the minds of the parents they did the more important thing.  If he might have died either way, at least this way Jew-god-cum-Christian-god wouldn’t burn him in hell forever as he is wont to do with unmoisturized babies.  The only silver lining in this story is that the baby didn’t live long enough for the priest to rape him.

That would be a 50 shekel silver lining?

Russian parents jailed after choosing baptism over hospital for post car-crash infant: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/11/29/baby-dies-after-parents-trade-hospital-for-church-after-crash

And in “If it works for Chia-Pet, it work for Jesus” news tonight, a Pennsylvania church is showing off the marketing savvy that Catholicism sorely lacks.  In an effort to appeal to their core audience of stupid rednecks that are easily entertained and don’t go in for all that critical thinkin’ shit, they’ve announced an upcoming “Duck Dynasty” themed all-camouflage service.

Not sure how much more redneckitude them can cram into their clown car.  This is a Catholic service in northwest Pennsylvania, so I imagine lots of parishioners will continue wearing the same camo tuxedo they had already been wearing every week.  

Fictional church representative Jim Bob Leghorn explained (quote) “Well, we figgered what with the folks watchin’ that on the TV and us all havin’ our huntin’ gear and what-not, we might as well go a-huntin’ for some Jesus.”

Sounds like they aren’t aware that camo doesn’t work unless you paint the whole church interior camo too.  The atheist swat team snipers are gonna pick them off way too easily.    

And if you think about it, it makes sense to have these dress up days at church.  You could have “Star Wars Service” or “Dress as yer favert NASCAR Driver Day”… I don’t know, “aborted fetus Wednesdays”?  It’s all about filling those pews.  And who doesn’t love dress up?

Every NASCAR driver looks the same to me . . . Like Jane Lynch with a mustache.  With the track suit … and the mullet.

Pennsylvania church to attract with Duck Dynasty inspired “camo” service: http://www.christianpost.com/news/penn-church-targets-duck-dynasty-fans-hunters-with-camo-sunday-service-109919/

And from the “More embarrassing than Benghazi” file, the United States may have diminished Catholic God from all-powerful to mildly-powerful by relocating it’s Vatican City embassy to atheist Italy.  Praying to Jesus was already working not at all, and Catholics everywhere are worried this embassy debacle could make those numbers even worse.

Or, the crazy right wing zealots who fail to recognize that the new embassy is actually gonna be closer to the actual Vatican than the old embassy and instead of maintaining two embassies we’re just consolidating two into one building… it’s not like we actually stopped pretending that this one city is a whole country all by itself because the reincarnation of Jesus lives there.

The other side of the story comes from American Ambassadors to the Holy See, who are relieved to be relieved of their impossibly awkward job.  How many ways can you diplomatically ask someone, “Are you guys SURE . . . that you’re not a multi-national pedophilia conglomerate, involved in an elaborate sinister cover-up?!?”  

Considering how infrequently we hear about sexual abuse in the church, this is a rare opportunity.  Do we have time for some embassy pedophilia slang?

This is the Scathing Atheist!  We’ll cut relevant information from another story if we have to.  30 seconds on the clock.  Diplomatic child rape euphemisms.  GO!!!

Visiting Pope Fran-dusky’s Happy Valley

How have I missed Fran-dusky all this time!?  Damn it… wait, um… what’s the one they actually use?  “Coming onto the children”… Yeah, that’s too direct.  How about Spicing up confession?

Delivering Pee Wee’s Sermon on the Mount

Playing a game of “Kansas Prayer Booth”

Happy Meals in the Rectory

Taking the lord’s name and vein.

Wading Balls Deep in the Shallow End

Oh, I’ve got one… A Catholic Youth Retreat… and then advance… and then retreat.. and then advance…

Bang Cocks with Youth in Asia?  Bang Cocks in Asia Minor? … Quaalude Prelude in A Flat Minor

Dipping your body of christ in milk?

Box Seats for Little Orphan Fanny … And I’d like to add that this gay pun’ll come out, tomorrow at 8am?

Bet your bottom dollar… which is my response to you and my last diplomatic child-rape euphemism.

America removes embassy from Vatican city: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/27/vatican-knocks-down-controversy-over-u-s-embassy-move/

But to make the 8 o’clock release happen, we’ll have to close out the headlines there.  Heath, thanks as always for your wit and wisdom.

Glory Hole-llelujah!!!

And when we come back, we’ll make more jokes about dicks.

Skit:

It’s time once again to look into the perplexing plethora of pious commemorations from around the world in a segment we call “How the Hell is this a Holiday?”

Tonight, Noah and I will be answering the ten most commonly asked questions about the Jewish festival of diligent lamp oil, Hanukkah.

Question One: What does the word Hanukkah mean?

While it’s often referred to as “The Festival of Lights”, the word actually means “To Dedicate”… sort of.  But who the fuck really knows when it comes to Jew words?  After reading the first few “historical” books of their bible I’m even doubting what they say about etymology.

Question Two: What does Hanukkah commemorate?

It commemorates the re-dedication of the Holy Temple after the Maccabean revolt in the 2nd century BCE, when a flask that only had enough oil for one day miraculously kept burning for eight days, which was just long enough to make more magical Jew oil.

Question Three: Seriously?  That’s it?

That’s Hanukkah in a nutshell.

Question Four: How do Jews celebrate Hanukkah?

They light eight lights and other than that they just pretty much make it up as they go along.  They’ll do some family shit, pray a little.  You know… have a Hanukkah dinner, buy a gift maybe.  Whatever.  For eight days.

Question Five: Seriously?  That’s it?

Look, you’re lucky they aren’t living in huts and waving palm fronds around.  We’re celebrating the longevity of kosher lard.  What the hell do you want?

Question Six: Well if the holiday is that lame, why does everybody make such a big deal about it?

It was forced into prominence because of Hanukkah’s proximity to Christmas.  Jewish parents couldn’t otherwise buy expensive sneakers for their middle school kids during the month of December.  And that would make them falsely appear less athletic.

Question Seven: But… it happened at Thanksgiving.  How the hell is that close to Christmas?

Yeah the Jew calendar and the Gregorian calendar don’t line up so Hanukkah can fall anywhere from late November to late December, which spans the latter third of what advertisers call “The Christmas Season”.  Interestingly enough, Thanksgiving and Hanukkah are done coinciding altogether for another 70,000 years plus.

Using the word “interestingly” a little loosely…

Question Eight: So what’s the deal with the dreidel?

You have to spin the dreidel when Hanukkah starts.  If it falls, it means you’re in the real world, but if it keeps spinning it means you’re dreaming about less shitty holidays.

Question Nine: I know this is a big off topic, but why don’t Jews tip?

Great non-Hanukkah question.  It turns out that half of them offered a tip once at 8 days old and that didn’t work out so well for them, so they’re hesitant to try again.

Question Ten: How did the Jews manage to make Hanukkah music worse than Christmas music?

Generally, the Jews are a very musical people, but they did that to spite Christian parents at public-school holiday concerts.

So hopefully that clears up any questions you have about Hanukkah, but if not, feel free to send them to us by email or leave a question on the Facebook page because originally we planned on doing a feedback segment this week but we didn’t have enough emails so we had to do this bit instead.

Outro:

Before we cash in our chips tonight I wanted to congratulate Mark Nebo from BeSecular (dot) org, Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast and our very own Heath Enwright, all of whom, barring something nearly as unlikely as Jonah surviving for an extended period inside a fish; will be joining me in the postseason of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists.  I’d also like to thank all the other participants who tragically fell short of this chance at supremacy, who I won’t name out of respect.  Except Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast, who I will name out of disrespect because, damn does his team suck balls.

I also wanted apologize to our audience for a tragic oversight in last week’s program.  Astute listener Jon Ownbey points out that when Heath and I were positing Christian euphemisms for masturbation, we missed the low hanging fruit of “Casting Out the Semens”, and also the ripe potential for low-hanging fruit jokes.  Sorry about that, won’t happen again.  Oh, and sorry if I’m mispronouncing your name, Jon.

Of course I need to thank Heath for finding something productive to do with his frighteningly twisted sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up and for other things she’d rather I not spell out in detail and I need to thank Daniel from Atlanta for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  Daniel didn’t have anything in particular to plug, but since he’s a truck driver, I’ll just say on his behalf that if there’s a truck behind you that wants to go faster, just get the fuck out of the way.  He or she has shit to do and a family to get home to.  Not something he expressed directly, but I’m willing to bet he’s yelled it into an empty cab once or twice.

But of course, above all things, I need to thank this week’s most enviable envoys of enlightenment; Dee, Magnus, Alan, Daniel, Willie, Søren and Torrey.  Dee, whose philanthropy has inspired a petition to promote her titular letter 3 spaces up in the alphabet; Magnus, who’s so virile and well-endowed that they named a condom after him; Alan, whose angelic physique is consistently ranked as the number one reason for surreptitious time travel to the twenty-first century; Daniel, whose greatness can only be described through pharthindelical neology; Willie, whose variegated talents will all coalesce in act three, proving that he was the chosen hero all along; Søren, whose name I’m pretty sure I’m pronouncing correctly despite the fact that it has an alchemical symbol in the middle of it and who also slays ice-giants by the phalanx; and Torrey, who wishes to forego any adulation for his enormous intellect and member and would rather I throw a shout out to his little brother in Australia whose name he probably intended to include in the email, and who I would totally still give a shout out to by name in a future podcast upon receiving said moniker.

These seven magnificent magnates have magnified the magnitude of their magnanimity this week by giving us money.  It takes bold and decisive clicking and typing of account information to give us money, but if you think you share Dee, Magnus, Alan, Daniel, Willie, Søren and Torrey’s finger dexterity and commitment to obscene podcasting, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d love to give us money, but not enough to actually do it, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a stellar review on iTunes, liking our Facebook page, following us on Twitter, checking us out on YouTube, sharing the show with a friend, listening to us on Stitcher, purchasing a beautiful Scathing Atheist t-shirt on our Cafe Press site or just being there for us in our hour of need.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 30 – Partial Transcript

September 12, 2013 10 comments

(note: Transcript may contain parts that were edited out of the final episode due to time restraints)

Sponsor

This week’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of creationist-friendly grocery stores “Ray Comfort Foods”, where the vegetables are guaranteed to be divinely created in their present form, the canned goods are 100% abiogenesis free and there’s plenty of Jesus in our cheeses.

So shop at Ray Comfort Foods, because creationists do what they’re told.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s September 12th and it’s the 12th anniversary of Heath’s first 9-11 joke.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from sardonic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • We’ll be compassionate enough to cut the story with all the childrens’ cancer jokes

  • We’ll discover that there are levels of evil Pat Robertson can reach that would still surprise you,

  • And Christian homophobes create a Christian version of something that was Christian to begin with.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

I was twelve years old and my mom was talking to a couple of friends of hers about where they were when they learned that Kennedy got shot.  One of the friends admitted that she couldn’t actually recall where she was and that freaked my mom right the fuck out.  How could she not remember that moment?

Now, psychologists will tell you these so-called “flashpoint” memories are just as unreliable as most of our other memories, but I didn’t know that at the time and neither did my mom.  It was simply unthinkable in her mind that somebody could have forgotten that moment.  And that was simply unthinkable to me.  I couldn’t comprehend of an event so potent that you’d be surprised when somebody failed to recall it precisely a quarter of a century later.

And I continued to not comprehend that for another thirteen years.

It’s damn hard to say that there was a silver lining to 9/11.  I’ll have enough respect not to rank it on a scale of tragedy, but it was the most horrible example of humanity that I’ve ever had to witness.  The emotional reaction that so many of us shared that day can’t be explained rationally.  That colossal mix of anger, fear and impotence isn’t something I’d ever like to revisit.

But if there was a phoenix that rose from the ashes that day, it was the new-atheist movement.  The four horsemen all cite the 9/11 attacks as the impetus to their vocal opposition to religion.  Throughout the 90s we’d all been force fed the immutable dictum of cultural tolerance so faith was off limits.  Sure, there were still plenty of atheists and there were still plenty of people bitching about the evils of religion, but after 9/11 those people were suddenly on TV.  They were writing best sellers.  They were suddenly being listened to.  They had been right all along and it took a few airplanes crashing into a few buildings on live television for a lot of people to realize that.

Of course, references to 9/11 have fallen out of favor in the atheist movement.  It’s become fashionable to rise above that type of rhetoric.  I’ve seen a number of prominent atheists vehemently disavow the popular meme that reminds us that science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings, or the one that shows the twin towers standing stalwart above the words “Imagine no Religion”.

The platitude a la mode would tell us that the number of religious people who have flown airplanes into buildings is sufficiently eclipsed by the number of religious people who haven’t flown airplanes into buildings.  It would be too simplistic to say “religion did it”, wouldn’t it?  There were far more things contributing to the rationale of the suicide bombers on 9/11 than just the six dozen hotties they were about to deflower.  So you can’t blame religion, can you?

And there’s a lot there that I’ll agree with.  I’ll agree that the overwhelming majority of believers aren’t suicide bombers.  And I’ll agree that it’s more complex than “religion did it”.  And I’ll agree that there were other contributing factors.  And even granting all that, I’ll still blame the shit out of religion.

Here’s the thing: convincing somebody to blow their self up is trickier than you think.  Without divulging any of the details of why I know that, consider the most gullible person you know and ask yourself if you think you could convince them that blowing their self up would earn them a trip to a virgin-laden paradise.  Tough, huh?  Now imagine you had to do it without using religion.

No one person can do that.  It would take indoctrination from birth.  It would take total control of what the victim learned, what they read, what they watched.  It would take institutions to make somebody believe anything so patently counterintuitive.

And it just so happens that we have institutions that were designed for exactly that purpose.  Modern day religious apologists are fond of telling us that the religion of today is nothing like the barbaric faith at it’s roots and that’s true to a certain extent in certain parts of the world at certain times, but that doesn’t change the fact that the vehicle they’re driving was designed to make people do what they were told to do, even, nay especially, when it went against their own best interest.

If you take out the poverty or the nationalism or the charismatic recruiter, you could still get probably round up 19 guys willing to kill in the name of god.  But if you take out the god your task becomes damn near impossible.

So call it hyperbolic if you want.  I say if there was any lesson we could extract from that tragedy it’s that religious zealotry isn’t something we can afford to tolerate.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is cleverly introduced Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to participate in pre-headline banter?

Witty response, Noah.

Laughter, fading to witty retort, Heath.

Laughter indeed, Noah.  I think I’ll exercise my optional additional witty rebuttal here, at which point you’ll probably add a rejoinde-

Rejoinder ending in half-ass segue.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican has recalled its ambassador to the Dominican Republic amid allegations of being a naughty, naughty nuncio.  Archbishop Josef Wesolowski was yanked off his post for getting his post yanked off and then winding up in the yankee post.

“Pope Franky Cranky About Wesolowski Lanky Crank Yanky Spanky Hanky Panky”  

Surprised you didn’t get “skanky” in there.  Rumors of the archbishop’s frisky business first arose in the Dominican press a few weeks ago and the ambassador was whisked away before you could say “official investigation”… or at least, before Dominican Attorney General Francisco Dominguez Brito could say “official investigation”.

We atheist podcasters could be foiled so easily, by clergy just not raping kids.  We’d lose a big chunk of material there . . .

So if the intrinsic value of not raping kids isn’t enough, they should consider the strategic value.  And as much as it would hurt our stellar ratings, I’d give away all this fame and podcast fortune,

if the church dialed down the rape even just a little.  

Sounds fair to me.  But instead, in yet another concerted effort to undercut their own “we-really-mean-it-this-time” charade, the Vatican has moved quickly and decisively to protect an Archbishop from prosecution for sex crimes AGAIN.  With the ink on his new “get tough on child rapists” legislation still drying, Pope Sweet Frans-vestite winds up in the delicate position of explaining that when he said “get tough” he didn’t mean tough as in “subject to the same minimal legal standards as the rest of the world”.

When a senior official of an institution is caught covering up decades of child rape, there IS a classy way to handle it.  And I think Joe Paterno showed us that classy way . . . And in case that was too subtle . . . I’m saying take a cue from Joe Pa and go die quickly.

Wesolowski, who was nomadic even for a child-raping Catholic official, had previously served in Africa, Costa Rica, Japan, Switzerland, India, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and Denmark.  But I’m sure he only started fucking kids in the DR.

Yeah lots of people don’t develop those kid-rapey instincts until later in life.  Much like scotch, cock is an acquired taste.  Best to start with ten-year-olds, then maybe move your way up to twelve and fifteen.  Twenty-one isn’t worth the extra money.         

And I know that officially I’m supposed to call him “alleged child rapist” or whatever, but fuck that and fuck him.  The Vatican is going to make damn sure he’s only ever “alleged” child rapist so I’m gonna go ahead and call an unprecedented abrupt removal from a diplomatic post that exactly coincides with the opening of a sex-crimes investigation an admission of guilt and say this dude is a dirty child fucker.  And if he doesn’t like it, he can come and get me.  He’ll find me in a neutral nation with friendly extradition treaties with the Dominican Republic.

Do you think the court cases against these guys ever get settled by the victims raping them back.  Like a “brown eye for a brown eye” type of deal?

Vatican withdraws Dominican ambassador quick before he has to face charges of child sex abuse: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/the_americas/catholic-church-relieves-its-ambassador-in-dominican-republic-amid-official-investigation/2013/09/04/8dd3e8e0-15c6-11e3-961c-f22d3aaf19ab_story.html

And in “Not all the stories can be as light hearted as that last one” news tonight, a Bangladeshi court has indicted four atheist bloggers on charges of not properly cupping Mohammed’s balls and saying things that hurt Allah’s feelings.  Because apparently Allah is a sissy god and can’t smite these dudes on his own.

Are there a lot of Bangladeshi citizens reading atheist blogs and Reddit posts all day, trying to really hash out their true feelings on the origins of the universe?  Is that what they do between state-mandated early morning Muslim prayer, and state-mandated later early morning Muslim prayer?

Despite the Vonnegutian nature of arresting people for insulting a fictional character, the (air quote) “assailants” are facing as much as 14 years in prison after at least one of them already faced a brutal assassination attempt.

If you get 14 years for epistemological whistle blowing, what’s the penalty for attempted brutal assassination?

The indictments you were asking for, apparently.

This is like if Edward Snowden found out the CIA was spending millions of tax dollars to track Santa Claus throughout the Arctic . . .

And also chasing Carmen Sandiego from Berlin down to Belize.  

I’d like to think we wouldn’t have jail time and water boards on the table in that situation.     

Before moving on to any more of the details, I’d just like to say that I make a lot of jokes about how backwards and fucked up the US judicial system is, but all things considered, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of ‘Murica and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under whoever the fuck I’ve gotta say to not spend 14 years in prison, so help us baby-Jesus, Amen.

The accused, whose names I won’t butcher out of respect, have already spent three months in prison and are currently free on bail after pleading not guilty.

Prosecution by the Ministry of Silly Walks would be far less ridiculous.

4 Bangladeshi Bloggers indicted for being atheist bloggers: http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/bangladesh-court-indicts-4-bloggers-for-allegedly-posting-derogatory-comments-about-islam/2013/09/08/8b05423c-1876-11e3-80ac-96205cacb45a_story.html?

And from the “It turns out there actually were worse things we could’ve done in Rwanda than nothing” file tonight, blathering idiot and perpetual first runner up in the crypt-keeper lookalike competition Pat Robertson is working hard to remind everyone that he’s not just a crazy, ranting, superstitious, senile old bigot; he’s also evil.

First place must have gone to Lisa Robin Kelly from “That 70’s Show”?

Well, …now.

But even slightly pre-mortem.  And for those listeners playing in celebrity death pool fantasy leagues, she was 43 years old, so that’s 57 points for the predictably departed meth enthusiast, in standard formats.  

And from celebrity death pool back to celebrity death-monger, a documentary titled “Mission Congo” recently premiered at the Toronto film festival and apparently it details how Pat Robertson used the suffering of the Rwandan people to perpetuate a scam almost as reprehensible as the whole Jesus thing.

It’s hard to tell who cured more cholera and dissentary in the refugee camps, because Doctors Without Borders was there at the same time as Pat Robertson’s preachers.  That’s lots of doctors and lots of bibles, so . . . who’s to say?  

According to filmmakers David Turner and Lara Zizic, it might be fewer bibles than you think.  Robertson consistently exaggerated, distorted and misrepresented the extent of his charity’s work in Rwanda and used these lies and deceptions to bring in hundreds of millions of dollars, a very small percent of which actually wound up helping anyone but Pat Robertson.

It’s about now I’d normally compare him to a Bond villain, or a Die Hard villain . . .

But Pat Robertson is SO MUCH WORSE, because he’s actually a real person doing this shit in reality.  He raised money from gullible rednecks in the American south, to finance bullshit humanitarian aid to Rwandan refugee camps, but actually diverted the planes to service his secret blood diamond company!!!  All he’s missing is a disfiguring scar, and conspicuous red doomsday button that says DO NOT PRESS.   

If anybody’s out there investing in “rapture button” technology…

And just to fit the bad guy stereotype perfectly, and get a three week timeshare on Secret Bad Guy Island, his covert African diamond mining company is owned through those “offshore accounts” they always use.  I never understood those.  Is the money hidden in the ocean?  Why does offshore mean we can’t find these banks?  Yes it’s offshore, but we all still know where Bermuda is.  

Robertson denies these allegations and if you can’t trust the guy who said last week that gay people in San Francisco have secret rings with AIDS needles so they can infect straight people when they shake their fucking hands, congratulations, your brain still works.

Obviously a hoax . . . And if Pat Robertson had ever been to San Francisco, he would know that real gay people in San Francisco don’t shake hands . . . they dick bump.  

Yeah but to be fair, the ring idea would work for that, too.

Pat Robertson accused of fraud: http://www.theguardian.com/film/2013/sep/05/mission-congo-pat-robertson-aid-rwanda

And protecting the rights of children to be stupid this week is the Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area who are fighting for the right of their children to be the most undereducated in the Florida public school system.

Muslims and Christians love to compete … I guess “Dumbest Kids in Florida” is a fitting battle for those two groups.  We’re really talking about “Dumbest Adults in Florida” aren’t we?  And that’s a competitive category.  This is a state that was governed for eight years by a guy named Jeb.  

This story revolves around a letter being circulated by said society that twists the shit out of Florida law to make schools think they’re under some obligation to let kids out of school whenever god tells them to.  Titled “Religious Observance Early Dismissal Request Form”, the letter misrepresents several laws in an effort to excuse Muslim kids from school at 12:30pm to pray during a special holiday… called Friday.

What are we even talking about?  How disruptive could it be for the three Muslim students in all of Florida to leave early on Friday?

And, as the group points out, education obviously isn’t as important as everyone makes it up to be or they couldn’t get away with the grammatically dubious moniker “Islamic Society of Tampa Bay Area”.

This whole thing is suspicious though. Muslim families in Florida?!?  There’s no normal Muslim family stubborn enough to settle in Florida.  These are obviously deep sleeper cells.

Tampa Islamic group wants kids released early once a week to pray: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/islamic-society-of-tampa-bay-area-wants-schools-to-let-muslim-students-leave-class-hours-early-every-week/

And from the “Equal Opportunity Inequality” file tonight, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is begging for forgiveness from Jesus and people who really exist this week after sending out a controversial email that encouraged her congregation to try to look less black.

As in more Barack, less Michelle?  Colored but not too colored?

No, Barack is still too black for her.  The email in question actually said that the church should work to put it’s best foot forward and make sure that the people greeting parishioners on Sunday morning should only be the best people, by which she meant the white people.  And don’t let the caucasian sounding name fool you, pastor Makeda Pennycooke is a sista.

I’d like to read a quote I made up, from the email:

“Our white workers will be at the front, and our workers of color will have a separate, but equally important job in the back of the house, much like a restaurant staff.”

Can’t imagine how that stirred up any trouble.

And while there is something of a silver lining in the realization that a black woman can hate the coloreds as well as any white man, I think we can all agree that it’s important that we continue to allow blacks in North Carolina to greet people outside of churches.  Otherwise they’ll have nothing at all to do on election day.

Black Pastor apologized for insisting that only white people should greet parishioners: http://www.christianpost.com/news/im-sorry-pastor-begs-diverse-congregations-forgiveness-for-only-white-people-email-on-sunday-104106/

And in “We’ll just start our own universe and it’ll be way better than yours” news tonight the ongoing attempt to create a fully realized parallel reality for Christian children is one step closer to fruition this week with the announcement of the new queer-hatin’ alternative to the Boy Scouts, Trail Life USA.

The Brokeback Mountaineer issue strikes again.

Joining Christian versions of theme parks, museums, music, science, television, wikipedia, schools and Floridian Courthouses, this latest attempt to inculcate children with a Truman Show like inability to recognize that gays don’t have hooves and bifurcated tails is, of course, a response to the Boy Scouts recent partial backpedaling of it’s long standing official policy of demonizing an innocent segment of society.

Nothing says “The Boy Scouts of America no longer officially hates gays enough” . . . than starting your own all-male tent pitching squad.  

Scheduled for official launch on precisely the day that the Boy Scouts start letting the homos in, Trail Life USA promises to be (quote) “stronger, safer and more principled in every way” and co-founder and head redneck John Stemberger went out of his way to use hairy testicled phrases like “masculine outdoor program” when describing the program and how totally heterosexual it will be.

I think as a country, we’re pumping out more than enough homophobic outdoorsmen, without any additional youth outreach programs.  There’s an entire homophobic outdoorsmen genre on television.  We have an entire swath of this country that is clever enough to see the amazing rhyme potential of hatin’ queers and lovin’ steers, but fails to see the irony of preferring livestock anus to human male anus.

New Alternative to Boy Scouts for queer-hatin’ rednecks: http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-values-based-alternative-to-boy-scouts-launched-104009/

And finally tonight, in felonious coconut news, a delinquent drupe was detained by detectives in the Maldives last week under suspicions that the tropical fruit was possessed by an evil wizard who intended to use the dark coconut arts to influence an upcoming election.

I’m not sure how we could possibly mock religion here, but you were saying “evil coconut wizard” . . . go ahead.

The story begins, as magical coconut stories often do, when a concerned citizen noticed the suspicious brown orb outside a local school that was designated as an upcoming polling station.

Can a brown orb that is – in fact – a coconut, be suspicious in a country that has palm trees and coconuts everywhere?

Well, either it was noteworthy or this weird ass is just taken to closely examining the scattered fruits he comes across  One way of the other, he noticed that a Koranic verse was etched into it, meaning it could only be the work of a malicious sorcerer.

Or maybe one of the 100% of citizens that are Muslim, have Korans lying around, and have easy access to brown orbs.      

He contacted authorities who inexplicably did not tell him to fuck off and instead investigated the coconut and according to the terminology in every news report we could dig up, the coconut was… arrested.

Textbook profiling of an infidel spy.  Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

A local wizard was summoned by the police to determine the exact mystical properties of the suspect and to counteract its evil powers.  Because apparently Maldivians are idiots.  And before we get a bunch of emails about it, yes, Maldivian is the correct demonym.

And yes, “idiots” meaning “stupid people that believe in voodoo coconut election fraud” . . .   

And I can’t believe we didn’t mention this yet, but how does election fraud make any fucking difference in a theocracy?!?  

Fraudulent by definition.

Curse-carrying coconut arrested in the Maldives: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/06/a-coconut-is-messing-up-this-countrys-elections/

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks again for joining me.

And when we come back, we’ll be doing that bit you were really looking forward to.

Song

 

For the sake of your survival, you should really read the bible,

It’s the only moral guide you’ll ever need;

Think you found a contradiction? You must suffer some affliction,

Cause there ain’t no fucking fiction there to read.

For the sake of your salvation, believe in Biblical creation,

Learn these Jewish incantations, learn them well.

Why go through life just guessin’, when the bible teaches lessons,

Like the fabrics you can dress in; to bypass hell.

Well… God wrote that he wrote it.  Inside that’s clearly noted.

Just ask yourself, why would he lie?

God said that he said it.  Don’t you ever forget it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

For the sake of your society, you really should try piety,

It cloaks your improprieties, we swear.

We’ll accept your sinful vices, and my only real advice is,

If you put your life in Christ, you’re in the clear.

Don’t forget the basics, like the fact that god’s a racist,

And it’s okay if you’re a rapist, if you pay.

If you’ve committed genocide, it’s possibly justified,

If god hates the folks who died, it’s all okay.

The most immoral bastard, gets forgiven if he ask for,

A quick favor from his master in a jam.

What’s that? You’re no believer? Then gimme that book and leave, sir.

And if I seem a little eager; it’s cause I am.

After all…

God insists he insists it.  I’m not sure how you missed it.

Don’t see how that’s difficult to buy.

God revealed he revealed it, so I figured that sealed it.

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

God claimed that he claimed it.  All this time he’s maintained it.

You keep debatin’, but I don’t know why.

God declared he declares it, and he swore that he swears it,

Can’t be refuted so don’t try.

 

Feedback

Now it’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the show where we hope other people will write funny shit that we’ll tangentially get credit for and act as though we have some kind of expertise or special knowledge that qualifies us to answer questions.

So our first email comes from Milton in New Jersey City and he asks:

When is it okay to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?

Any time after 3pm and all day Sunday

And to clarify, any time is OKAY.  I think he means, “When is it BEST to tell Christians to go fuck themselves?”

Right.  And I think it’s worth noting that Heath and I have pretty lax personal “Go fuck yourself” thresholds even for New Yorkers so I’m saying it’s okay any time you’re saying to yourself, “I’m done talking to this Christian and I have no interest in eventually having sex with them.”

Our next comment comes from the blog.  Ken loves the show but offered a not-exactly-correction to our story in episode 29 about the Salvation Army attending a South African Porn Convention to (quote) “be available”.

Ken points out that the Salvation Army often goes to these types of events to be available for potential victims of sex trafficking and abuse, which, we didn’t mention because we were busy making apartheid dick jokes.

And it’s probably a good thing that we didn’t know about that angle.  We clearly would have made sex slave rape jokes that were way worse than mere apartheid dick jokes.  

Also, I don’t recommend using our notoriously dick-joke-laden headlines segment as a single source news program.

Our next email comes to us all the way from wherever Brandon is from.  And Brandon writes us to ask what he can do about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that keep showing up at his door.

Hm… great question.  My first thought on this one requires a wheelbarrow, a holocaust cloak and Andre the Giant but he’s dead so that won’t work.

“Do I want some literature about Jesus?  No.  But do you want some weed?”

I find that wearing nothing but a necktie when you come to the door works with varying levels of success depending on what you tie it around.

Sometimes I like to lower a basket down from the second floor window, and yell “It puts the propaganda in the basket!!!”  Then they get the hose regardless.  

Okay, so here’s my serious answer.  I say you invite ‘em in, get ‘em a drink and let them give you the whole spiel for their little cult.  But the whole time have this episode playing on the stereo in the background.  Make sure it’s loud enough that they can hear it the whole time, but not loud enough to drown them out.

Until you reach this part.  And then you turn it up really loud so that they know that you’ve been fucking with them the whole time and delaying them from spreading their filthy virus to anyone else while you made them listen to the Bible song.  And if they’re still in the room they can hear me tell them to go fuck themselves while they’re gathering up all their Jesus stuff.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more questions.

You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Outro

Before we lock it up for the night I wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s show.  If you were looking for the interview I did on the A Matter of Doubt Podcast and were surprised to discover that I was actually ex-Jehovah’s Witness Kenny Wyland, that’s because I fucked up the episode number.  I said episode 54, but it was actually episode 56 that you wanted.  Not that episode 54 didn’t kick ass or anything, I just wasn’t on it.

http://www.amatterofdoubt.com/podcasts/ep-56-noah-lugeons-the-scathing-atheist/

And if you were looking for the live broadcast I did on CWebb’s Sunday School, well, sorry about that, too.  An hour after I published the episode I learned that the time had been pushed back from 5 to 4:30.  Sorry if you missed it live; it was a fun panel discussion on the biblical prophecies surrounding the destruction of Damascus.  It’s on CWebb’s archives now if you’d like to catch up.  You’ll find a link in the shownotes, of course.

http://cwebbssundayschool.com/bonus-the-end-is-near-or-is-it/

And because I’m apparently a total podcast whore, you’ll also be able to catch me on the extremely funny Imaginary Friend Show with Jake Farr-Wharton in the next few days.  I believe the episode will be up this weekend and as soon as I know the date, I’ll be posting it on our Facebook page, our blog and our Twitter feed, all of which you should probably follow just in case.

Can’t close the show without thanking Heath for everything he does to make this show have Heath in it.  I also need to thank Adam Reakes from the Herd Mentality podcast for providing this week’s embellished Farnsworth quote.  He’s a rising star in the podcast community and if you check his show out you’ll find out why.  Can’t recommend it enough if you haven’t heard him already.  And if you’re presently kicking yourself for that oversight, calm down, you’ll find a link to his show in the show notes for this episode.

http://www.herdmentalitypodcast.com/

I also need to thank Heath’s roommate for our kick ass new logo.  We’ll be setting up a Cafe Press site this week if you’re dying to get a customized Scathing Atheist T-Shirt, coffee mug, iPhone cover, whatever.  That stuff should be available no later than Sunday so there’s plenty of time to do all your Jesus-Day shopping right there.

And lastly, of course, I need to thank this week’s most shining examples of humanity, Kevin, Richard, Brian, Andrew and Magnus.  Kevin, who once defeated the devil himself in arm-wrestling and scrabble at the same time, with the same hand; Richard, a man whose bravery and intelligence redefines redefinition; Brian, who shall rescue humanity in it’s darkest hour atop his mighty steed, Poof the Fabulous Dragon; Andrew whose army of robot spiders and amazon love warriors are the envy of supervillains everywhere; and Magnus whose name is so fucking cool that I don’t have to add any imaginative descriptors to increase the perception of his awesomeness.

These five noble philanthropists have conquered the final task in their path to glorification by giving us money.  Not everyone has the gallantry, luminosity and sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you’ve got what it takes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but you only love us as a friend, you can also show your appreciation and help us out a ton by swinging over to iTunes and leaving us a glowing review.  We really appreciate everybody who takes the time to stroke our ego and help our iTunes ranking.  You can also help us out by telling your friends about the show or sharing an episode on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.

Oh, and listen to us on Stitcher if you’re into that kind of thing.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 29 – Partial Transcript

September 5, 2013 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript may contain parts that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints)

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And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro

It’s Thursday, It’s September 5th and do you think Ben Tate is worth a flex start?  I’ve got Lacy but he’s a rookie… going against the niners… Hsss….

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from prematurely autumnal New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode:

  • We’ll find Jesus and it’ll turn out he was at the South African Sexpo just like we thought,

  • We’ll correct all the stuff we fucked up last week,

  • And the New England Patriots will cancel the next season of wounded duck dynasty.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

I may not be telling you anything you don’t already know, but I’m an asshole.

This isn’t just an act I do for the show or anything, I’m a genuine asshole in real life as well.  And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty damn good at it.

Sometimes I do freelance asshole work.  If I’m at a restaurant and somebody’s giving their server shit, I’ll be an asshole on that server’s behalf.  Same goes for people in front of me in line that give the cashier shit over prices that he has nothing to do with.  Or twenty year olds that won’t get up for an old woman on the subway.  Sometimes I use my asshole for the powers of good.

And other times I just can’t help it.

I’ll give you an example.  Last week I was celebrating a certain co-host’s most recent complete solar circumnavigation with a group of friends.  There’s a dozen of us crammed into a small room, herbally supplementing our recreation.  As often happens in these situations you end up with three or four little conversations going on in everyone’s earshot.

Heath and I are discussing draft strategy for an upcoming fantasy football league but across the room I hear a mutual friend of ours discussing the cleanse he’s on.  He’s detoxifying, you see.  He’s clearing his body of environmental poisons.  With juice.  And vitamins.

And I tell myself that it’s not a good time to unleash the asshole.  The asshole should remain dormant.  Because even though he’s over there telling some poor girl that he’s eating acai berries because the antioxidants clear his bloodstream of industrial toxins, we’re all friends here.

So here I am, consciously not being an asshole.  Consciously not saying a word.  And this is nothing new.  At least a dozen times a day I’m in an elevator or a restaurant or a line or at a friend’s house or at work and I’m listening to somebody expound on the virtues of an herbal supplement.  Or their acupuncturist.  Or their astrologer.  Or their priest.  And I reign in the asshole and I bite my tongue til it bleeds and I bitch to my poor wife or I write a diatribe.

Heath and I continue to talk PPR strategy and I try to filter out the pseudo-scientific bullshit wafting across the room at me.  I pretend that I didn’t notice that he just said that the next phase of his cleanse will clear the toxins from his fucking spine.

I know this guy and we’ve been friends for a long time.  Hell, he’s the guy that introduced me to Heath.  So I gave him a lot more leeway than I would normally give.  I’ve tried to reason with him in the past when I saw him buying Airborne before a business trip.  But it never matters what I tell him.  He takes Airborne when he’s not sick and he continues to not be sick, so damn it, it works no matter what science says.

So I was going to let it go.  And then he said something about sickness being 80% mental.  And then the poor girl he was babbling at said, “Really?”  And I couldn’t help myself.

“No,” I interjected, “Not really.”  Because at a certain point my brain ignores the social instinct and says that when people are spreading demonstrably false medical information correcting that is more important than being polite.  So I was an asshole.  And I was just enough of an asshole to make my point without permanently alienating our friendship, because like I said, I’m good at the asshole thing.

And that’s the bit that far too few people realize.  It’s okay to be an asshole, as long as you’re good at it.  It would be damn easy for an amateur asshole to fuck that situation all up.  If you end up with nothing more than a nice guy saying X and an asshole saying Y you’re probably doing more harm than good.  You’ve got to be a convincing asshole and part of that is making sure you know more about what you’re talking about than the person you’re being an asshole to.

Like everything in life, if you want to do it well, you need to put in the work.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen an atheist or a skeptic blow his lid and call somebody out on a bullshit claim only to lose an argument and come off looking not just like an asshole, but a stupid asshole.  And a stupid asshole that made the idiot spouting the bullshit look right.

When you put yourself out there, you’re painting a target on your own back so if you’re not ready to deal with what comes, you’re better off holding your tongue.  If you’re not thick skinned enough to dismiss all the nasty shit people might say about your mom, don’t bother.  And if you’re not ready to rationally defend the challenges that are coming, you’re not ready to be the asshole.

And that’s fine.  Some people are good at it and some people aren’t and we’re damn fortunate that all the atheists in the movement haven’t achieved my level of comfort with it.  I’d never suggest to anyone that they be an asshole.  Sometimes you’re better off leaving it to the professionals.  But I would suggest that when you see a good asshole in action, back off and let them do their thing.  Much of the time they’re being an asshole so you don’t have to.

There’s an interesting postscript to the story, by the way.  Later in the evening I was chatting privately with the victim of my friend’s medical lecture and she thanked me for interjecting.  She said she’d been looking for a way out of the conversation and she didn’t want to be rude.  So I saved her some social embarrassment, I saved my friend from being berated by a second rate asshole and I saved the assembled crowd from GNC medical advice.  The masked asshole strikes again.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is a nearly-translucent white person just returning from California, Heath Enwright.  Heath, how’s that melanoma you’ve been working on?

We don’t like the term white . . . We prefer pig-mentally challenged.  And for the record, I’m part white, part whatever group I’m mocking.  If I wasn’t part everything, lots of these things I say would be offensive.    

And we can’t have that.  Before we get started with headlines tonight, I owe our listeners an apology and a retraction.  Our lead story last week was a mish-mash of incomplete research and complete nonsense.  We got duped by a bullshit story on a bullshit site that doesn’t seem to recognize that satire doesn’t really count as satire if it’s not funny and just twists actual facts to create a realistic sounding bullshit story that makes a couple of innocent podcasters look like dumbasses.

…or at least the one who vets the stories.

I’d like to defend us by pointing out that there were dozens of way more reputable sources than us that made the same mistake, but that doesn’t forgive us our due diligence as kind of news reporters.  So for the record, it is not illegal to report sex abuse in Vatican city.  It’s just illegal to disclose existing reports of sexual abuse.

And in our lead story tonight, it’s illegal to disclose existing reports of child sexual abuse in Vatican City.  Because let’s face it, even if our story last week was wrong, this is still really fucked up.

So if you got your raping in before the big deadline, you’re fine.  But any new raping could be reported.  Basically, rape was grandfathered in.  They’re not gonna hold “existing rapists” accountable, because – well – rape was like cigarettes and racism a few decades ago.  Nobody knew it was bad, and it seemed like a victimless crime.      

So here’s the actual story:

This all stems from some judicial tinkering Pope Francin’ With the Stars did in early July.  It slightly increased the punishments for sex abuse and added a law against child pornography, which was apparently legal in Vatican City up until this past Monday.

To be clear: Former allegations of sex abuse do count as “official documents” and thus the Pope did make it illegal to disseminate allegations of sex abuse, so despite the bullshit source we fucked up and used last week, the story was frighteningly close to true.

“Why should a priest get into trouble for something that already happened?  The Vatican is a forward-thinking institution.  We don’t dwell on the past.  How can we protect the as-yet-unraped, if we keep worrying about the already-raped?  We want to meet you half way on this.  So our proposed compromise, is that we punish half the rapists.  The second half.  All the future rapists.”

Pope “updates” the law: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/10174076/Pope-Francis-toughens-up-Vatican-laws-on-child-sex-abuse.html

And in lighter news tonight we turn to Syria, where incredibly horrible shit is happening in a frighteningly plausible prelude to World War Three.  And damn are the Christians excited.

“Can’t wait to try out all our new RC airplanes!!!  . . .  It’s like Christmas morning.”

Their ebullience goes beyond their affinity for the Air Hogs of war, though.  There are also a few biblical references to the destruction of Damascus as a precursor to the end times, most notably Isaiah 17:1 “Behold, Damascus will cease to be a city and will become a heap of ruins.”

Now to be fair, the majority of American Christian groups are voicing opposition to military intervention in Syria citing their conscientious objection to agreeing with Obama, but there are also plenty of Left Behind-ophiles salivating about the possibility of all of us infidels being tormented in hell on earth.

I’ll agree to eternal damnation if the Damascus bombing does indeed bring about the second coming of Jesus.  But it’s gotta be an actual bet.  They have to have a downside.  So when we bomb it, and nothing good happens, except 2 million dead Syrians, then the entire bible gets retracted, and I don’t hear another word about debunked prophecy books ever again.    

I don’t know.  I mean, back when they predicted that at some unspecified point in the future, Damascus would cease to be a city, what are the odds that it would come true given a theoretically infinite timeline?

Yeah it’s 2013.  Bible heads are just now noticing the possibility that this city in the Middle East might experience some physical damage?!?  This particular conflict is their first whiff of unrest in the otherwise peaceful co-occupation of the triple-claimed holy land by historically harmonious tribes like the Jews, Christians, and Muslims?!?

Christians try to tie Syrian conflict to biblical prophecy: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/08/27/commentary-keep-doomsday-religion-out-of-the-syrian-conflict/

And in other “Holy Shit are there more important things to spend money on right now” news, Orthodox Jews in Israel are demanding beard friendly gas masks in preparation for the end times.

“Yeah, and could we also get ones that are just always running in case the Syrians gas us on a Saturday?”

Complaining that existing gas masks are ineffective on people with divinely dictated scraggly facial pubes, the Orthodox Shas party is demanding that Netanyahu order mass production of hooded gas masks that can accommodate the traditional facial hair of the group of people that refuse to do any military service in Israel.

If Israel finds your community … “a little too Jewy” … it might be time to find a new homeland.  And I absolutely don’t mean Brooklyn, New York.  

Failing to realize that if god wanted them to not die of weaponized poison he would have let them shave their beards, Orthodox Jew Meir Green noted that if the masks are needed, (quote) “there won’t be time to shave”.

And in a moment of panic like that, how do you decide between torturous death from sarin gas and willfully ignoring the twenty-seventh part of Leviticus?

Orthodox Jews demand beard-friendly gasmasks: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/28/beard-friendly-bardas-gas_n_3831273.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in other “Bursting with Stupid” news tonight, a frothing idiot warns that with DOMA out of the way, there’s nothing to stop lesbian couples from tricking gay men into siring their children and becoming a subservient underclass of lesbian slave-gimps.

So they’re saying that back in the good old days when DOMA applied, we were able to guarantee that it was only heterosexual couples using gays as slave-gimps?!?

In one of the most impressive cases of “not getting it” ever confirmed by science, David Usher of the Center for Marriage Policy published a recent op-ed lamenting the fate of gay men under the new DOMA-less legal landscape.

Who’s gonna look after the well-being of gays, if not Christian political lobbyists?

Usher claims that somehow gay men will be tricked into having sex with lesbians through what he calls “reproductive entrapment” and then get stuck paying child support as un-consenting fathers, economically enslaved to lesbian couples.  Because first of all, this guy thinks lesbian couples won’t be able to find heterosexual men that would fuck them, and secondly, he thinks lesbian couples would be able to find homosexual men that would fuck them.

He goes on to explain that lesbians will drain the public coffers by suckling on the big government teat, cause you know how lesbians are about suckling on teats.

This needs to be stopped.  Tax revenues aren’t enough as over-population gets worse, and clearly the gays and lesbians are the problem.  

…and the abortions and condoms.

Frothing idiot warns that lesbians will trick gay men into being subservient underclass: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/center-marriage-policy-worries-lesbians-will-trick-gay-men-fathering-their-children-and-beco

And turning now to a state that’s progressive policies will never make up for the fact that the Patriots suck lemur nuts, a Massachusetts court has agreed to hear a challenge to the inclusion of the words “under god” in the pledge of allegiance.

In fairness, I’m sure that pledge prevents a lot of horrific treasonous activity.  I mean just the other day, I was going to fire a shoulder-mounted stinger missile at some infidel aircraft, but then I said to myself, hold on . . . I know rationally that this jihad makes sense . . . but I’m feeling this almost subconscious allegiance . . .

This is the latest in a long string of legal attempts to eradicate those words from an otherwise still kind of creepy statement of mandatory nationalism.

Yeah if you take the “under god” part out, it’s still creepy to make every kid stand up and do the whole “Heil Hegemony!” thing.  

I always felt like I was in the Cobra Kai Dojo … “No fear!  No mercy!  Pre-emptive strikes! Beat up the vaguely ethnic tannish kid!”

The American Humanist Association seems confident that this suit can succeed where so many have failed before.  Suing on behalf of an anonymous atheist couple, the lawsuit takes a slightly different tack than previous challenges.  Rather than arguing that the references to the almighty in the pledge are a violation of church, state separation, the AHA is arguing that the daily recitations are a violation of their guarantee of equal protection.

Not that we should have to attack this issue at some tricky angle, but ‘things that are stupid’ will tend to violate several different laws, including the one that ended slavery.  

Massachusetts court to hear challenge against pledge of allegiance: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/08/30/mass-supreme-court-to-hear-challenge-to-pledge-of-allegiance/

And in “Stupidity was already legal” news tonight, we turn to the mecca of fatuity, the nerve center of nincompoopery, the haven of half-witted, Alabama, where State Speaker Mike Hubbard is pushing a petition that would legalize prayer.  And breathing.

Hard to believe bad legislation is an issue, in the birthplace of the Confederate States.  

We’re talking about a state with an average IQ that’s in the top 90%.  

For the Alabaman listener, who probably didn’t get that, you’re 45th out of 50 . . .

Comfortably removed from dead last.  

You’ll recall us discussing the failed attempt by Cullman County Superintendent Billy Coleman to start a state endorsed “Prayer Caravan” for Alabama schools back in episode 24.  The FFRF objected and the school board quickly divorced itself from the Superintendent’s plans and pretended that the fact that it was listed on the School Board’s website wasn’t an official endorsement.

And just because the FFRF is made up of godless Jew lawyers, doesn’t mean they’re wrong.  

I’d point out the logical fallacy at play here, but Alabamans seem to think “ad hominem attack” means lynching another gay.

There is, of course, ample evidence for those who accuse the House Speaker of completely missing the fucking point.  In his defense, Hubbard is rumored to be working on a second petition that would protect his right to completely miss the fucking point.

So basically, the FFRF said, “Stop shitting in the middle of the sidewalk.  And also stop using public resources to organize a bunch of kids shitting in the middle of the sidewalk.”  And Alabama responded with a petition to prevent radical liberals from stealing their toilets.

Spot on analogy.

Alabama republicans file for preemptive strike in the “war on prayer”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/08/29/alabama-house-republicans-launch-completely-unnecessary-petition-against-fictional-war-on-prayer/

And finally tonight, from the “Who Would Jesus Do?” file, we turn to one one of the many nations that boasts an accent that Leonardo DiCaprio has proven himself incapable of convincingly mimicking, South Africa, where an upcoming sex expo is set to feature pole dancing, stripshows, porn stars and proselytizing Christians from the Salvation Army.

The bell ringers are gonna have some competition.  People can only stick their money in so many slots.

Spokeswoman Carin Holmes said, (quote) “If Jesus Christ was on earth today, he would be standing beside us at Sexpo,” failing to address how he would manage to obscure his awkward robe stiffy.

After coming again that recently, he’d be okay for 15 minutes or so.

Holmes explained that the group was not there to condemn anyone or to lecture anyone.  In a choice of words that betrays at least a subconscious desire to get a mention on this show, she said they were there to (quote) “be available”.

How is “being available” at a porn convention in Johannesburg helping the poor?  

“Lethal Weapon 2” villains with satyriasis, should not be at the top of the humanitarian aid list.     

Yeah, I gotta be honest, when I realized I was giving you a headline that had this much apartheid Christian dick joke potential, I started getting pretty excited.

Half stock?

At least.

Speaking of which … can black dildos and white dildos be sold in the same sex shop in South Africa?

Under apartheid, were black porn stars required to use the “rear entrance” on the set?

And for the record, I don’t picture lots of racists in S&M gear exclaiming, “I’m sure glad these church people made themselves available!” … unless it was to test the less consensual gear.   

Nice… finally found a use for Christian missionaries.

Christians at South African Sex Expo “If Jesus was alive, he’d be here too” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/28/salvation-army-sexpo_n_3829911.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion

And on that note we’ll close out the headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Glad to be here.

And when we come back the music bed will fade out and we’ll do a different bit.

Apologetics

From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a few minutes to discuss some of the common apologetics used in defense of theism.  Heath, what ridiculous stretch of the imagination are we gonna tackle today?

Tonight we’ll be talking about one of the most common apologetics in the theistic quiver, the argument from design.

Alright, so what’s the crux of this argument?

It’s simple.  We live in a world that appears to be designed and thus it must have a designer.

Well that falls apart as soon as you start to define your terms.  How do we know what a “designed world” looks like?

We live in one.

But that would make it a circular argument.  Unless we can compare designed and undesigned worlds, there’s no way to determine whether this world has the characteristics of design.

Not so fast.  We may not know what designed worlds look like, but we know what designed watches look like.

Sure, but what does that have to do with anything?

Watches don’t just spring into existence.  They need watchmakers.  And if you think about it, watches are pretty much just little universes.

They are not.

Think about all the things they have in common.  They both have moving parts, they both use… geometry, they both have… time… they’re both designed by intelligent creators…

But watches have a clearly discernable purpose.  They have no superfluous parts.  From everything we can tell they’re nothing like universes.

I can see why you’re not getting it.  We’re being too macro.  Maybe it would help to think of something a little easier to wrap your head around.  Consider the kangaroo.

Okay.

I think we can both agree that kangaroos clearly have a designer.

No we can’t.  I don’t agree with that at all.

Well, like watches, they have a clear purpose and no superfluous parts.

Kangaroos have a clear purpose?

Obviously.

And that is?

Hopping.

I don’t… how do you… how do you know that’s a kangaroo’s purpose?

It hops.

But that doesn’t mean that it’s purpose is hopping.

Have you ever seen a watch hop?

Of course not.

I rest my case.

I don’t think you do, though.

Alright.  I’m probably still being a little too macro for you.  Let’s consider something small enough to hold in your hand.  Consider the banana.

Okay.

Now you may disagree with me on universes and kangaroos, but obviously we can both agree that bananas have a clear purpose and no superfluous parts.

And what’s the banana’s purpose, exactly?

Well now you’re just being obtuse.  It’s clearly designed to be eaten by humans on the go.

And I suppose we know that because humans don’t eat kangaroos on the go?

Or universes.  But there’s more.  If you study a well made banana you’ll notice that on the far side there’s three ridges and on the near side there are two ridges, making it a perfect fit for the human hand.  It also has a non-slip surface, it has a pull tab at the top, it’s easy to digest, it even curves towards your face… when you turn it toward your face.  The rest of the time, of course, it curves away from your face.  This all works a little too perfectly, doesn’t it?  That’s at least as much as watches have going for them.

Look, watches don’t reproduce.  They don’t have a genetic code.  They don’t mutate.  Bananas are derived from a fruit that was nothing like the modern day banana until humans started selectively breeding them.  If anything, ancient farmers designed the modern banana.

Clearly I’m still being too macro.  Consider peanut butter.

No.

Okay, how about the human eye?  There’s something that’s clearly too complex to have come into existence without an intelligent designer.

Human eyes are upside down and backwards.  They have a blind spot right in the middle of them, they only see in a narrow spectrum, our night vision sucks and nearly two thirds of all humans need glasses.  How the hell is that intelligently designed?

(pause) Why can’t we do peanut butter?  I had a Christian canned answer, or canswer, about peanut butter ready to go.

It doesn’t matter what you use.  Until we can satisfactorily define what it means to “look designed” you can’t convincingly argue that anything looks designed.

But consider the math.  The odds that human beings would evolve in their present form are exactly the same as the odds of a tornado sweeping through a junkyard and putting together a Boeing 747 with all the parts.

That’s not true, is it?

No.

Yeah, because… tornados can’t weld.

Or tighten bolts, right.  But just because it isn’t true doesn’t mean I can’t assert it.

Well… sure, you can assert anything.

Exactly.  And that’s the strength of the argument from design.  I can say whatever the fuck I want and it doesn’t have to be true for the words to come out.

So if apologists don’t care if what they say is true… or even makes any logical sense, how should an atheist deal with the argument from design?

Well, when you’re dealing with somebody who’s willing to invoke the tornadic aeronautic engineer analogy, the “you’re too stupid to refute” defense is always viable, as is the lesser used “fuck off and die defense”.

Right, but those don’t really count as refutations per se, do they?

No.  If you really want to stop the argument from design in its tracks, you can always appeal to the most potent counter-apologetic known to humankind.

Which is?

The “Gay Dragon” defense.

Never heard of it.

Few have, despite its unrivalled ability to diffuse 90% of all apologetic tactics.

Alright, you’ve got my attention.

It goes like this:

Premise one: If the argument you’re offering for the existence of god, can also be used to prove the existence of gay dragons, it’s worthless.

Premise two: It can.

Conclusion: Fuck off.

Okay, I think I see where you’re going here, but perhaps it would help if we saw the gay dragon defense in action.

Sure.  Consider a common subset of the Argument from Design called the “Fine Tuning argument”.  In this apologetic, the theist asserts that the universe is fine tuned to allow life to exist.  Therefore there must be a fine tuner.  Therefore there must be a gay dragon.

How so?

Every time a gay dragon has been observed in nature, it has been observed fine tuning a universe.

So… that’s zero observations I’m guessing?

Exactly equal to the number of observations of gods fine tuning universes.

Got it.  So how does the gay dragon approach apply to some of these other forms of the design argument?

Let’s return to that banana.

By all means.

Consider how useful a banana would be to a gay dragon who was pleasuring itself.  It’s the perfect shape for some dragon assplay, it’s soft enough to fit but firm enough to feel, and it even has a wrapper so that the dragon can have a nice snack afterwards without risking diphtheria.

Wow…

Oh, there’s more.  Think about all the cocksucking practice a gay dragon could get with a banana.

Okay.

And that’s saying nothing about how good a banana feels when you smash it up and smear it between your…

Alright, alright, I get it.

Are you sure?  Because I wasn’t gonna say ass cheeks.

It doesn’t matter.  I think we can all see how this argument would quickly shut down an apologist.

Can we talk about the peanut butter now?

I’d rather not.  But thanks for the lesson.

My pleasure.

Outro

Before we wrangle out the door tonight, I needed to make a few more corrections.  I swear, last week’s episode was so full of errors one could be forgiven for thinking we wrote the bulk of it shitfaced after celebrating a birthday until 3 in the morning.

So the first apology goes out to MIKE Dunlap at MIKE Dunlap photography (dot) com.  He was kind enough to provide last week’s Farnsworth quote only for me to fuck shit all up, elongate his first name and misidentify his website as “Michael Dunlap Photography” when it is most definitely “Mike Dunlap Photography (dot) com” because he’s Mike.

http://mikedunlapphotography.com/

And from accidentally elongating a name to accidentally shortening one, I’d like to apologize to Steven as well, who I misidentified as “Steve” when I was thanking last week’s most exceptional humans.  I also misidentified “Steve” as “Other Steve” so this error clearly snowballed out of control and nearly derailed the entire episode.  I hope that Steven, Steve, Mike and all the listeners confused by this apology can all forgive me.

I also wanted to warn you that we’re gonna be changing our logo this week so don’t be surprised if next week the cover art looks way cooler and way less like I spent 6 minutes fucking around on MS paint.  We should also have some merch available next week as well.  Keep up with us on the blog and Facebook for word on that if you’d like a chance to be the first human being to own a Scathing Atheist T-Shirt.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  If you haven’t checked it out already, be sure to check out episode 54 of the “A Matter of Doubt” podcast.  Steve invited me on to share a few personal stories about my path towards atheist activism.  It was a really fun conversation and, of course, I’ll have the link on the show notes for this episode.

http://www.amatterofdoubt.com/?p=628

And if that’s not enough, you can also catch me on CWebb’s Sunday School this week. He’ll be livestreaming the taping at 5pm Eastern Time this Saturday and you’ll find that link on our Facebook page, our Twitter feed and our blog.  If you miss the livestream, I’ll also link to the archive as soon as it’s available.  We’ll be discussing the situation in Syria and all the crazy little bible prophecies that Christians are trying to shoehorn into it so that should be a lot of fun.

I also need to throw some thanks to some very deserving folks.  Need to thank Heath as always for bringing so much to the table each week.  I also need to thank Mark Nebo over at Be Secular (dot) org.  It’s a great website that reinforces the secular community and tries to widen the umbrella of secular values.  He’s doing great work and his effort are definitely worth your support.  Be sure to check him out at Be Secular (dot) org and if that’s too much to remember at the moment, check the shownotes and you’ll find him there as well.

http://besecular.com/

Also need to thank everyone who sends us encouraging emails and messages, especially the folks who help us out by sending in news items and stuff for the calendar segment.  It’s a huge help and we really appreciate it.

But most of all we need to thank this week’s most admirable members of the animal kingdom, Kenneth, Max, Steven, Duncan, April and John.  The ferocity of your generosity against the monstrosity of religiosity and it’s atrocities gives velocity to my animosity and leaves me at a paucity of words so I’ll simply say thank you Kenneth, Max, Steven, Duncan, April and John.

And if you, too, would like to be the subject of lavish and possibly poetic praise while simultaneously helping Heath and I purchase the finer things in life like food and shelter, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help us out but you’ve taken a vow of unemployment, you can also help us for free my liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter or leaving us a glowing review on iTunes.  Oh, and some Christian rectal wart has nothing better to do with his time than go through our YouTube channel and give all the videos a thumbs down, so if you’d like to counteract him a bit, we’d sure appreciate it.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 23 – Partial Transcript

July 25, 2013 3 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Transcript may contain material edited out of the final version)

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fox’s new reality talent show, American False Idol.  Watch as cult-leader contestants from around the country compete against each other and against god in feats of talent and existence.

The last prophet standing wins their own religion and a lifelong tax exemption.  American False Idol, because even when Fox puts the name of the sin in the title, Christians still watch it.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s July 25th and it’s not too late to wave some popcorn under a Muslim’s nose tomorrow afternoon.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from statistically more rational New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode;

  • Former celebrity Kirk Cameron is told by Facebook to cease and desist the fuck up,

  • A new law in Louisiana won’t not make it not not legal to obey the law.

  • And we’ll make fun of Fred Phelps’ dead mother,

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Boy, this new pope sure is awesome.  He’s a reformer.  He’s a radical.  He’s a beacon of light illuminating the dimmest hour of Catholic decline.  He’s beloved by all, Catholic and otherwise.  He’s approachable, off-the-cuff and lovable.  He’s the antithesis to Pope Palpatine the second.  He’s a game-changer.

Except for all the places that matter.

The major-media outlets are suffering from a bit or “Protestant Guilt” after spending two decades covering stories about Catholics butt-raping children so I guess I understand why they’ve been so quick to cram into the papal-fellatio waiting room, but in their eagerness to finally have something good to say about the Vatican, I think they’ve forgotten that balanced doesn’t equal honest.

So let me make something clear about Pope Franks-but-no-Franks:  He hasn’t done a fucking thing.

Despite the publicity juggernaut to the contrary, carrying your own bags and posing for a photo-op in a jalopy doesn’t count as reform.  Living in a palatial guest house instead of a palatial palace doesn’t count as reform.  Washing feet and ad libbing shit about atheists going to heaven doesn’t count as reform.  To reform something, you have to actually do something.

Let’s face it, during the reign of Pope Bene-dickhead we had some pretty legitimate complaints about the papacy.  And none of them were, “That old fucker won’t even carry his own luggage!”

So where does Pope Frankly-my-dear-I-don’t-give-a-damn stand on the big issues?

He’s against condoms.  He fully endorses the genocidal opposition to contraception that exacerbates the AIDS epidemic in Africa.  It would take nothing but waving his magic pope wand to halt these detrimental policies, and yet he’s done nothing.

He’s against ordaining women.  Not only has he made no moves on that, but he also left a long line of politically motivated misogyny behind him on the way to the Vatican… not to mention a few allegations of war crimes.

He’s staunchly homophobic.  He’s actually described the move in Argentina to legalize gay marriage as “a war against god” and shows no signs whatsoever that he’ll be moving the Vatican into the twenty-first century with regard to gays.

He staunchly supports celibacy for priests despite the fact that it isn’t biblical (and actually directly contradicts the biblical prescription for priests and their sex lives) and could give a damn less if it’s harmful psychologically.

Come meet the new pope, same as the old pope.  In all the ways that matter, he hasn’t done a fucking thing.  And yet everyday I hop onto a religious news site and read about all these great “symbolic” reforms he’s making.   Symbolic actions are great unless they’re coming from somebody who has the authority to make real change.

But the media is so desperate to paint him as a reformer that I’ve seen him extolled for coming out “strongly against the financial misdealings of the Vatican bank.”  Like there was some other pope who was all about publicly endorsing money laundering for the mafia?

Look, maybe the media is right and I’m wrong.  Maybe Pope Franky-Doodle-Dandy really is planning on reforming the Vatican from the ground up.  But he hasn’t started yet.  And when you take over as the head of the most corrupt institution on the planet you don’t get any extra credit for dressing less flamboyantly than the last guy.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow expositor Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to exposit?

I’m all about exposition.  Whenever I need extra cash, I make an exposit at the sperm bank.  That’s what that means, right?   

In the interest of getting the sperm jokes started early, we’ll say yes.

Sperm gags are all about coming early.  

The Spanish Inquisition of sexual events.  

In our lead story tonight the state of California is considering a bill that would help child abuse victims receive compensation if they were otherwise unable to file suit because of time or age restrictions.  Obviously, this bill enjoys wide, bipartisan support because who on earth would actually oppose allowing victims of child sexual abuse to pursue long overdue justice?

Catholics.  

That’s right.  The Los Angeles archdiocese made the mistake of taking the high road on justice for sex abuse victims back in 2002 and the bill California passed back then almost wiped them out.  So this time they’re fighting against justice for abused children with everything they’ve got.

So a whole bunch of those tax-deductible donations to churches, are going to pay for pedophile advocacy experts.  There’s a positive social externality in there somewhere.  

Yeah, one has to imagine the lobbyists are all hoping not to get the “maintain strict statutes of limitations on child rape” assignment.

They’re trying to argue that “A certain day needs to exist, on which these people wake up, and they’re no longer a rape victim.”  

Usually it’s the other way around in Christianity … Fall asleep a virgin, and wake up a rape victim.  That’s how it went for Jesus’s mom, and lots of slutty altar boys, I imagine.  

The archdiocese recognizes the public relations tightrope one must walk when vociferously siding with pedophilic rapists, so they’re hard at work trying to sell this bill as a prejudicial witch-hunt against Catholics.

If the tightrope represents the right way to side with pedophilic rapists, then I wouldn’t say the church is walking it.  I don’t think they can see the tightrope from where they’re standing.  I’m not impressed by “The lord rapes kids in mysterious ways.”

Well, they point out that the bill would not allow victims to sue public schools for abuse that had passed the statute of limitations, so clearly they’re just going after Catholic child rapists.  After all, allowing victims to sue for tax dollars is directly analogous to allowing them to sue a private institution that is still largely governed by people who were and are actively involved in covering up the details of child rape and torture, isn’t it?

I don’t think the public school system could have pulled the same moves to cover for pedophile teachers . . .

“What?!?  We sent the rapiest ones to teach Nazi grandchildren in Argentina.”

Catholic Church fighting child abuse bill in California: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/07/17/catholic-church-private-schools-lobby-against-california-childhood-sex-abuse/

On now to the ever-burning question “Could we have freed the slaves but not kept the South?”, we turn to Louisiana where Democratic state senator Mary Landrieu has introduced a piece of legislation called the “Freedom to Pray” bill, which would, in her words, “protect American’s right to pray.”

Was that part of the larger, “Right to Being and Nothingness Bill”?

This might mean the end of the atheist psychic nanobot thought police.

And as we long ago learned, making legal shit legal is a favored strategy for sneaking bullshit religious laws through the legislature and this one is no different.  If you dig even a little, you’ll find that the intent of the bill is clearly to allow state and federal funds to go to programs that are explicitly religious in nature.

Does the legislation explain exactly how The Bill of Rights no longer applies in Louisiana?  And if the church needs more money, they should just pray for it, hold their breath, and die.

Amen.  Anyway, this all comes as a response to a recent hullabaloo about a quasi-military religious indoctrination camp being run by a Louisiana Sheriff’s department.  The program was denied $15,000 in federal funding due to the ubiquity of prayer within the program along with pledges to “attend the church of my faith” and to “Love god”.

Bible Camp for redneck cops makes me nervous.  Like ‘venerated obsoivances and rituals’, ‘Waco, Texas’ nervous.  

Well hopefully you’ll be reassured by the evangelists running the program, who insist that the prayers are voluntary and a whole room full of people praying around you isn’t coercive at all.  And that’s enough for senator Landrieu, who would clearly have no problem with a state run, federally funded program encouraging her children to bow to Mecca, as long as it was voluntary.

In theory, this would create an awkward, alienating situation for any Jewish or Muslim officers.  But Jews and Muslims certainly don’t get hired by police departments – or sold property – in Louisiana, so in practice, it’s a moot point.

Louisiana Senator proposes bill to protect religious groups that receive federal funding: https://www.au.org/blogs/wall-of-separation/prayer-posturing-la-officials-seek-taxpayer-support-for-religious-program

And in satanic lesbian news tonight, Fred Phelps’ dead mother is now gay thanks to the efforts of the New York based Satanic Temple.  Person whose name left him no career options except arch-villain or spokesman for the Satanic Temple Lucien Greaves explained that the action was meant to convey (quote) “a message of love in the face of hate”.

Like a money shot all over hate’s face.  Chicken fried hate smothered in white country gravy.  Phelps needs a Chia Pet, so people everywhere can put sticky seed all over his face.  

6 sperm jokes already.  He’s going for the record!

Anyway, the ceremony, which the Satanic Temple refers to as a “Pink Mass” was performed by Greaves and two same-sex couples and took place at the Mississippi grave of Phelps’ mother.  The goal of the ritual was to turn the mother of the notoriously sodomy-obsessed preacher’s spirit into a posthumous lesbian.

This strategy makes sense, given the way shit works in the bible.  This can even get her expelled from heaven.  Jesus stops having pre-emptively died for your sins if you posthumously witness gay sex near your gravesite.  Plus, that bitch natured and nurtured her bile duct of a son.  

The ceremony was, of course, tongue in cheek, as in some dude’s tongue in some other dude’s cheek.

Jelly?  Syrup?  Rusty Trombone?  What does a party like that cost?  I guess if I have to ask, I probably can’t afford it.

Apparently the ritual called for two prolonged homosexual makeout session over the headstone along with some divine cock-stroking.  Phelps’ mother, who died as the result of god’s retribution over our butt-sex loving culture, could not be reached for comment.

Satanic church holds same-sex ceremony at Fred Phelps’ mom’s grave: http://www.thegauntlet.com/article/28311/The-Satanic-Temple-Performs-Same-Sex-Ceremony-At-Westboro-Baptist-Church-Leaders-Family-Gravesite

And in “Apparently there’s a snooze button on your 15 minutes of fame” news tonight, Kirk Cameron, who you’ll remember from trying to remember where you remember him from, is in a tizzy because people can tell the difference between him being earnest and spam.

Who could forget about Mike Seaver and his best friend Boner?  Classic member of the shitty 80’s sitcom canon. And let’s not ignore Cameron’s illustrious film career, including “The Growing Pains Movie” in 2000, and of course the Godfather 2 of sitcom movie sequels, “Growing Pains: Return of the Seavers” in 2004.   

Cameron, who has used his post-C-list celebrity decline to promote creationism, has a new movie coming out and he’s been having a bit of trouble promoting it on social media.  It began when Facebook blocked promos for his movie and called them “abusive”, “unsafe” and “spammy”.

It’s good to hear that Facebook is using algorithms that can sniff out abusive, unsafe, spammy shit like religion.  Software that can process content, and then quantify its level of malignant wrongness – love it.  Or maybe they just noticed Kirk Cameron’s name on it.     

Facebook later apologized when almost dozens of Cameron’s fans made a fuss but just as Facebook unblocked him, YouTube gave him the boot calling promos for his film, “spam”, “scam” and “deceptive”.  This block was later lifted as well, though promos for his film are still “spam”, “scam” and “deceptive”.

Spoiler alert: God did it.  He was the rapist in the end.

Which end?

I was impressed by Cameron’s unflinching optimism when he boldly used the plural form of theater in describing the film’s upcoming release.

Further proof that you were never really a celebrity if people could say of your solitary known vehicle, “The star of that show was really Alan Thicke”

Kirk Cameron’s movie blocked on Facebook: http://radio.foxnews.com/toddstarnes/top-stories/facebook-blocks-kirk-camerons-new-movie.html & http://www.examiner.com/article/facebook-apologizes-to-kirk-cameron-for-blocking-new-movie

And in this week’s papal back-walking report, the Vatican is offering time off from purgatory for his Twitter followers, unless you ask Catholic pundits, in which case they definitely aren’t, because that would be stupid.

And if you retweet a papal bull in the next 10 minutes, the Pope will personally murder you, and send you directly to the good part of heaven with the comfy chairs for all the rape victims.  

The latest in an illustrious Catholic tradition of trading imaginary favors for real ones, this story reminds us all that Catholics still kind of endorse the antiquated notion that you can earn perdition vouchers for climbing certain stairs and attending certain parties in Rio.

Also, if you duck for 3 seconds while standing on a white platform, you can fall into a 3rd dimension, and get a whistle that takes you to a warp zone that bypasses purgatory altogether.

The story begins when the Apostolic Penitentiary issued a document offering a plenary indulgence for those who attend the upcoming World Youth Day in Brazil.  And because the Apostolic Penitentiary is known for being cutting edge and hip, they extended the indulgence to those who follow the event on Twitter.

For those who don’t want to be kidnapped by a dance-fighting cocaine cartel, they decided to allow the Twitter exception to participate without actually entering Brazil. . . I’m okay with that.  But why not just go all the way, and put up some indulgence buy-it-nows on eBay?  

That sentence may very well have contained earth’s first capoeira joke.  Well done.

Recognizing that everyone loves a good “Damn is Catholic theology stupid” story, headlines like “Follow Pope online and reach heaven sooner” started popping up all over the place.  Because, you know, that’s exactly what they said.  But the accuracy of these mocking headlines didn’t stop Catholics from getting pissed off about them.

When your group is regularly offended by things that are true, it’s your group’s fault, not truth’s.  

Try explaining that to Reverend James Martin who wrote a lengthy blog for CNN where he explained that you can’t get time off from purgatory for following Tweets, as that would be silly.  It doesn’t count unless you follow those Tweets contritely.

Pope offers indulgences for following him on Twitter: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/17/sorry-you-cant-get-out-of-hell-by-retweeting-the-pope/

And finally tonight, in lubricated jew dick news, we bring you the story of Trigg laboratories where a congregation of rabbis from the Rabbinical Council of California have recently declared their “Wet” brand of personal lubricants to be Kosher, making it the first sex lube that is approved for orthodox jews.

Unless you count the fact that “Moses parting the Red Sea” was code for using menstrual blood as a lubricant.  

Check out the mid-rash on that one . . . is what they would say about an unkosher vagina.  

It’s important to note the implications of this move.  Kosher laws are dietary laws.  There is no requirement that suppositories, cosmetics or vaginal cleansers be approved by rabbis unless somebody plans on eating them.  So this sex lube hasn’t been cleared for use as a sex lube, it’s been cleared for use as a condiment.

Yeah I could see marinating a chicken in that . . . and then shoving it up a Jewish girl’s ass, if she was into that sort of thing.  I mean I wouldn’t suggest it, but if she asked, I’d step up.  

And this is great for the Jews . . . They can finally go ass to mouth without worrying about the dietary repercussions.

You never go ass to mouth!

Ass to mouth notwithstanding, this does open up a wide range of new orifice/object permutations for Jews.  

Yeah, just what are the rules about sucking orthodox cocks?

In other words, is it okay for women to kneel before the wailing balls?

Can Hassi chicks suck Hassi dicks?

This new lube opens the door to some easier Schindler’s fisting.  

Maybe now they can finally put a glory hole in the wailing wall.

Gives new meaning to “Torah new one”

I guess it’s just the latest in the ongoing rabbinical debate on whether or not it’s okay to suck a dick that isn’t eight days old and recently mutilated.

To be fair, when CAN YOU suck an eight day old dick, if not right after you mutilate it?

Also to be fair, whose recently mutilated dick CAN YOU suck, if not that an eight day old boy?

Kosher lube opens orthodox jews to oral sex? http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2013/jul/17/kosher-lube-oral-sex-jews-lubricant

That does it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

You’re not gonna trim the end of those circumcision jokes off in post are you?

And unlike Jesus, we’ll be back soon.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  This is the time we set aside once a month to talk up some of the great atheist, secular and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world.

We’ll start in Toledo, Ohio on the weekend of August 18th where the Great Lakes Atheist Convention is welcoming JT Eberhard, Zack Kopplin, Jerry DeWitt and many more, including the Mayor of Toledo, which I find encouraging.  And let’s face it, if a speaker lineup can get me thinking “I wish I was in Toledo”, it’s gotta be pretty damn impressive.

http://lanyrd.com/2013/great-lakes-atheist-convention/

Moving 7 days ahead and 7 thousand kilometers away, we’ve got the 15th European Skeptics’ Congress in Stockholm, Sweden on the weekend of the 23rd.  Even though parts of the website are in Swedish, the conference itself will be in English

The speakers list includes DJ Grothe, Max Maven and a bunch of Europeans I’ve never heard of that have really interesting topic lines for their talks.

http://euroscepticscon.org/

We talked up the Atheist Alliance of America’s upcoming National Convention in Boston last week, but it seems like every time I look at their website they’ve added more awesome speakers.  Aron-Ra, Ed Buckner, Seth Andrews, Steven Pinker, Greg Epstein, Sean Faircloth and the list keeps going.

That one’s taking place in Boston over Labor Day weekend.

http://www.aaaboston2013.com/

Lastly, of course, over that same weekend in Atlanta you’ve got DragonCon, which isn’t an atheist or humanist convention, but it’s awesome and it has a hell of a skeptical track so definitely worth checking out if you’re going to be anywhere near Atlanta.  Michael Shermer, David Silverman, Rebecca Watson, Mythbusters Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage.

http://www.skeptrack.org/

If you want to know more you’ll find links to the homepages for all these events on the shownotes for this episode.  And, of course, if you’re involved with or aware of an atheist or secular event that needs a plug, you’ll find all the contact info at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Top Ten:

Ah, Ramadan, the only holiday that could also be considered a war-crime.  It’s that desultory time of year when Muslims gather together in misery so that they can be reminded that sometimes being a Muslim really sucks.  Considered to be one of the five pillars of Islam, Muslims work hard to ensure that Ramadan will never be commercialized like Christmas by making it as miserable as possible.

But knowing that our listenership might not be as familiar with the Muslim customs as they are with the Christian ones, we decided to dedicate a few minutes to answering the top ten most often-asked questions about Ramadan.

  • Number ten: How do you celebrate Ramadan?

You don’t.  This isn’t the kind of holiday you celebrate exactly.  In fact, it’s kind of the opposite of celebrating.  During Ramadan, all post-pubescent Muslims are required to observe a month long daylight fast.  From sunrise to sunset, they aren’t allowed to eat, drink or smoke and are also expected to refrain from sex and  foul language throughout.  This is in addition, of course, to the lifelong Islamic prohibitions against alcohol, pork and critical thinking.

  • Number nine: Does everyone have to fast during Ramadan?

Not everyone.  Pregnant women, people who are ill, women who are breast feeding and people who are travelling are allowed to forego the fast as long as they make up the days later in divine detention.  

…writing “I will not comprehend” on the chalkboard.

And while Muslims are quick to point out that little kids aren’t required to fast, because in most of the world that would be considered child-abuse, they are certainly encouraged to as practice for later in life.

  • Number eight: Why?

Because the month of Ramadan is believed to be the month that Allah first revealed himself to Mohammed so Muslims mark the occasion by hating life.

  • Number seven: When is Ramadan?

Easier asked than answered.  Because Muslims use a lunar calendar, Ramadan moves around in the year.  Each year it begins 11 days earlier than the year before, so sometimes they fast in the short days of the winter when you need food the most, and sometimes it falls in the summer when not drinking water is borderline suicidal in most of the Muslim world.  

  • Number six: What does the word “Ramadan” mean?

Yeah, even the word itself foretells of the general shittiness of this custom.  It comes from the Arabic word ‘Ramida’ or ‘ar-radam’, and while there is no direct English translation, the gist of the word is “Heat and scorching dryness”.

  • Number five: Why the hell would anyone do this?

Because religion makes people do dumb shit.  Muslims justify it by pointing out that it helps them focus on the spirit rather than worldly things, as though ignoring reality in favor of imagination was a virtue.  They also claim that it helps them master self-control without recognizing the irony that by doing it they’ve explicitly surrendered control of themselves to a fictitious autocrat.

But most of all, they say it helps them empathize with the less fortunate

  • Number four: Well what about the sex part?  Are they also trying to empathize with ugly fuckers?

Yeah, they never really address the fact that even people who are starving and thirsty are still allowed to jerk off.

  • Number three: Is fasting like that unhealthy?

No… how could foregoing all the life giving sustenance for absurd amounts of time possibly harm you?  And what’s more, how could believing that failing in this Herculean task would offend god himself damage a 14 year old psychologically?

Of fucking course it’s unhealthy.

  • Which leads us to the Number two most often asked question about Ramadan: Seriously?

You bet your ass seriously.  And we’re talking about Mulsim seriously.  They’ve got levels of seriously we can scarcely comprehend.  In fact, it’s even encoded in the laws of many Muslim countries.

The ones that have laws, that is.

Right, like Kuwait, where publicly eating, drinking or smoking during the day carries a heavy fine during Ramadan.  Or the UAE, where it’s punishable by hundreds of hours of community service and in Algeria daylight mastication during Ramadan can land you in jail for years.

  • And finally, the number one question asked about Ramadan…

How the hell do they get away with calling this a holiday?

It’s only a holiday in the technical sense of being an annual observance.  In all other ways, it’s a punishment for being religious.  The only real “holiday” part comes at the end of the month with a celebration called Eid al-Fitr, which means “festivity of breaking the fast”.  It’s a day when Muslims reflect on the fact that if you hit your testicles with a hammer over and over again for long enough, the act of not hitting yourself in the testicles with a hammer seems like a reward.

Bible Story:

Gather ‘round boys and girls.  Today we’re going to open our Bibles to Exodus and read about Moses’ wife, Zipporah.

Now Zipporah was a very important person in the bible.  She was so important that we know her name, even though she was a woman.

She grew up in a desert with her six sisters and spent all day doing whatever her father told her to do or getting beaten because that’s what women do in the bible.  One day her and her sisters took their sheep to a well so that they could drink, but a bunch of mean men told them to go away so that they could water their sheep first.

Zipporah was sad and angry, but there was nothing she could do because she didn’t have a penis.  But luckily, there was somebody around who did: Moses.

Moses was sitting by the well wondering if the corpse of the man he’d recently murdered was starting to stink yet when the bad shepherds shooed Zipporah and her sisters away.  Moses decided to step in and help Zipporah water her sheep.

“How can I ever repay you?” she asked.

“A hand job?” Moses suggested.

So she invited him back to her tent so she could tug on his cock for a while, but when they got there her dad was home so she married him instead.

(Hooray!)

Moses loved Zipporah so much that he didn’t marry any other women even though he could have because that was okay back then.  He took a job tending her father’s flocks, but one day he came home and told her that God had spoken to him and ordered him to free all the Jews in Egypt.

His eyes were red and he wreaked of burning bush, but Zipporah was a woman so she had no choice but to do what her husband said.  So she grabbed their newborn son and left for decades of aimless wandering and random smitings.

But one night, on the way to Egypt, god decided to come to earth in human form and wrestle Moses to death at an inn.  God was winning because he was god, so Zipporah decided she would have to help her husband out.  But she couldn’t out-wrestle god, so what could she do?

Luckily, there was a baby weiner nearby, so she chopped a little piece of it off and touched it to Moses’ foot so that he could wrestle better.  Then Moses suplexed god and everyone lived happily ever after.  The end.

Outro:

Before we call it quits for the night, I have a very important apology to make to one of the most adept, admirable, altruistic, adroit, awesome, amazing, accommodating, astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring anthropoids in the animal kingdom, April.  April, I am so sorry that I neglected to thank you last week for your generous donation.  Because of the extreme level of your magnificence, I had originally thanked you separately from the rest of last week’s best people, and then in a hasty, late night edit I cut it out without realizing it.

And to those of you who aren’t April, I should note that April told me she and her husband were competing to see who could get more mentions on the podcast through their extraordinary generosity and because of my mistake, April spent a week unjustly occupying the lower portion of the leaderboard in that noble competition.  So to make up for that, I’d like to point out to April’s husband that I’ve now mentioned her 6 times in the last 33 seconds.

And in keeping with the “A” themed opening to this outro, I’d also like to thank two more prime examples of human DNA in action whose names also begin with A.  Andrew, whose transcontinental philanthropy serves as a shining example of godless morality and another person who would rather remain anonymous but is also a biological exemplification of wit, wisdom and selfless magnanimity.

And while we’re on the topic of apologies to people whose names start with A, I’d also like to apologize to Ann who sent us a very eloquent and well-reasoned email a few weeks ago that deserves an on-air answer.  And unfortunately I don’t have time to give it the response it deserves so for the time being I’ll simply say sorry about not making more pimp jokes.  We’ll work on that.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance invited me on to chat with them and while it’s not available yet because it hasn’t actually even happened yet, I have reason to believe that you’ll find our conversation on episode 109 of their program, which I have reason to believe will be out on Monday.

And if you can’t make it until Monday, you can find occasional nuggets of Scatheism on our erratically published blog, our Twitter feed @Noah (underscore) Lugeons or our Facebook page at (slash) Scathing Atheist.  And people who leave us 5 star reviews on iTunes are better than people that don’t.  I also have it on good authority that the Flying Spaghetti Monster will give them mansions closer to the beer volcanos in the afterlife so Pascal’s Wager guys, might as well leave us a 5 star review.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Live Blogging the Bible: Deuteronomy 12:31

July 17, 2013 77 comments

by Noah Lugeons

God loves a good genocide.

I can’t help but feel like they’re going out of their way to make this god character an asshole so that it’ll be more cathartic when he’s redeemed, but I’ve gotta be honest, even with 61 books to do it, I’m not sure if there’s any way they can make me like this guy.

So in chapter 12 god reminds us why we can’t realistically entertain the “moral guide” notion of the bible by spelling out all the good reasons to thoroughly destroy every member and memory of the cities they’re all about to ravage.  This is late in the chapter after a thrilling and detailed reminiscence about proper meat-eating etiquette.

God’s explaining why you shouldn’t worship any other gods or even know about how other people worship, which he reminds us of no fewer than infinity times in the book of Deuteronomy.  And in an apparent effort to soften the blow of killing women and children, livestock and slaves, then burning homes, buildings, temples, possessions, clothes and any remnant of a civilization to the ground, Moses takes a minute to remind us just how horrible these societies are:

You must not [worship their gods] because every abhorrent thing they have done for their gods.  They would even burn their sons and their daughters in the fire to their gods.

My first thought was of Abraham taking ol’ Isaac for a midnight stroll so the actual depth of the irony of this passage took me a second to process.  God’s in the middle of telling them to kill all of these heathens, even the children.  Their god is telling them that they have to burn their enemy’s children because their enemies would burn their children for their god.

But it’s totally still divinely inspired, though…

Episode 20: Partial Transcript

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Scott’s new brand of retroactive thaumaturgical fertilizer, Post-Mortem Miracle Gro.  Do you have a deceased pontiff a few miracles shy of canonization?  Well just dump this fertilizer on that fertilizer and watch the Miracles Grow.

Miracle Grow… making miracles out of bullshit since 1868

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s July 4th and I only like snakes and sparklers.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from seasonably patriotic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • We’ll learn why gay sex makes Jesus cry,

  • Buddhists will weigh in on all that blasphemous YOLO shit

  • And I’ll put the opening of the second chapter of the God Delusion to music

But first, the Diatribe.

Diatribe:

I had about half a dozen listeners email me the same article from the CNN Belief Blog this week.  The headline read “Christians are happier than atheists… on Twitter.”  Before I even clicked the hyperlink I was already salivating, ready to skewer the shit out of this pseudo-scientific nonsense.  So I read the article and I took a look at the research and I read their conclusions.

And unfortunately, as much as I’d love to unleash both barrels of my verbal-ought-six on this thing, it turns out that there’s just nothing to criticize.  The research was sound, the methodology was solid and the conclusions were perfectly defensible.  It turns out they’re right.  We’re a bunch of miserable, hateful, unhappy fucks.

I know this may come as a surprise to you, because you might often mistakenly think that you’re happy, but you can’t argue with science.  In fact, you might as well just stop arguing altogether and dive head first into a tub of Caramel-Sutra laced with Xanax, for you will never know joy.

So quick before you slit your wrists while sitting in a running car and drinking bleach, let me explain how the advanced new science of Twitter-ology works.  The first step is, of course, to draw a conclusion.  As you’ll see later, if you don’t start with a conclusion, the data’s gonna be too messy to interpret later.  So start off with a firm conclusion and hold on to it no matter what.

Step two is generating sample groups and remember, this is no time to worry about precision.  To study atheists and Christians, for example, all you need to do is randomly select five prominent atheists and five prominent theists and call all of their followers your two groups.  I know that not everybody who follows Dinesh D’Souza is a Christian and not everyone who follows Richard Dawkins is an atheist, but this is science… it doesn’t have to be exact.

So once you have your suspect samples, you analyze the words usage.  Whatever words are used more often are indicators of deep psychological truths about the people using them.  And we know this, because we just do.  It doesn’t matter that there’s no credible research or even logical reason to believe in the core assumption behind this research.  The people doing it wore lab coats or had pocket protectors or something and that makes what makes it science.

So with our rock solid assumption that people who say “happy” a lot are happy, people who say “family” a lot love their families and people who say “food” a lot are fat, we can go to work on our pseudo-data.  And when we do we discover our conclusion, which, you’ll recall, we decided on before we started the research.

In this instance, we’ve proven that atheists aren’t as happy as Christians and they don’t love their families as much.  Viola, conclusion reached, thesis proven, Nobel prize is in the mail.

Admittedly, some atheists have been a bit more critical about the research than I am.  They point out that there’s no reason to assume that people who follow prominent Christians and people who follow prominent atheists are using Twitter for the same purpose.  They point out that many atheists have multiple Twitter accounts and keep their atheism on one and their family stuff on the other.  They point out that even with a perfect sample the study would still be nonsense, as the average Christian is older than the average atheist, more likely to have children and more likely to come from a large family and any one of these covariances would render all the data worthless.  They point out that even if the data wasn’t useless, the conclusion still would be, considering that what they’ve proved is that a privileged majority is happier than the unprivileged minority.

But I think these critics are looking at it the wrong way.  So before you toss out this study just because it’s poorly constructed, obviously biased, impossible to blind, poorly conducted, unscientific and stupid, I should point out some other things this study finds.

Consider the fact that atheists were shown to be far more likely to use words like “reason”, “think”, “idea” and “knowledge”, so if we accept the flawed premise of this  flawed study it also proves that atheists are smarter than Christians.  In addition, it shows that atheists are more likely to use words like “dick”, “fuck” and “pussy”, so clearly we’re also getting laid more often than the Christians.

After all, if we accept the first conclusion and the others are reached through the exact same process, it’s hard to ignore… not so hard that the researchers didn’t manage to ignore it, but hard to ignore nonetheless.

And if you need any further proof that this is sound science, consider the alternative.  If this study isn’t legitimate scholarship, CNN just ran an article that used unproven science and half-ass conclusions to reinforce a hurtful stereotype that has no basis in fact and wouldn’t be newsworthy even if it did.  And we all know that could never happen.

Song

“The God Song”

 

Well Jesus is great, he’s my best friend.

He’s the kinda fella who would die for your sins.

He says women should obey their men,

And ownin’ slaves is fine every now and again.

 

Well Jesus is my buddy and I’m really glad.

He’s the best buddy that a guy ever had.

And if you think some stuff he said was bad,

At least it’s nothing when compared to Jesus’s dad:

 

“Now let me tell you about that fella…”

 

He’s a homicidal, genocidal, pestilential, filicidal,

Petty jealous racist full of rage and spite.

Wicked and misogynistic, he’s a sado-masochistic

Homophobe that massacred Amalekites.

And Midianites.

And Sodomites.

And Perizzites and Moabites and Philistines and Benjamites,

Syrians, Assyrians, Ethiopians and Amorites.

And Egyptians.

 

“But we’re not yet, because he’s also…”

 

A Maleficent, Malevolent, Omnipotent, Irrelevant,

Megalomaniacal vindictive beast.

He’s ruthless and he’s useless; he’s an evil, brutal, futile nuisance.

Turned a chick to salt just for looking east.

 

Heartless, inexorable, rancorous and horrible,

He’s got a torture chamber and a thirst for blood,

He’s a fictitious, injudicious, vile, vicious, angry bitch;

His temper’s like a two year old with global floods.

 

He’s capricious and malicious and flagitious and pernicious

And an ethnic-cleansing bully of the highest sort,

Injurious, Inglorious, Nefarious, Notorious,

And when he raped a married virgin? Paid no child support.

 

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is my consiglieri Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to con-siggle?

I’d be happy to.

Well, not according to those Twitter-ologists, you aren’t, but I’ll overlook it.

In our lead story tonight, we’re one step closer to legalized goat-sex thanks to the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act.

According to Rick Santorum, it’s not just one step closer… We’ve actually legalized the equivalent of goat sex.  

As all but one of our listeners know, the nation’s highest court recently struck down a 17 year old piece of bigoted legislation that denied federal benefits to same-sex spouses.

And just fucking barely.  The highest court in the land, which should be 9 of the most rational and intelligent people in the country, came as close as possible to a tie on this issue.  Which is almost as embarassing as the fact that gay marriage and gay rights in general are even an argument that’s still on the table.  

  • “If we could have made no decision on gay rights, we would have, but there’s fucking 9 of us, so we couldn’t tie.  And since Kennedy’s not a complete asshole, gays are people …  according to 55.6% of us here at the highest court.”

The reaction of America’s religious leaders was surprisingly muted and tolerant:

(SOUNDCLIP)

The ruling was even enough to prompt scientifically-anomalous unhappy Tweets from Christians, calling the decision a “Tragic Day for Marriage and Our Nation”, declaring that the “Supreme Court Overrules God” and that “Jesus Wept”.

But don’t worry, it’ll only be a few decades before the prominent Christian voices are taking credit for this.

We’re forgetting the real victim here . . . the good people over at Merriam-Webster, who will now have to work tirelessly around the clock to go through every dictionary, and cross out the part that says, ‘between a man and a woman’.

No, trust me, I’ve read the Tweets, Jesus is the real victim here.  Now, in honor of the DOMA ruling I put together my three favorite insane overreactions.  My number three was Rick Santorum and you already beat me to the punch on that one.  But I will say, in Rick’s defense, what is the difference between two consenting men or women entering into a legal bond of love and raping a donkey?

Mostly just the consent of the ass, I guess.

Number two was the verbal gymnastics of the guy with the most Christian name ever, Monsignor Charles Pope, who proposed the “freedom fry” option, suggesting that Christians just drop the word “marriage” altogether and switch to “Holy Matrimony”

Shit, yeah that would entirely disempower us f-word-lovers.  Is that really what he’s going for?

But the gold medal goes to the head of the Catholic Church’s matrimonial court, Archbishop Oscar Cruz, who answers the question “Can gay men get married?” with “To lesbians, sure.”

What is he, multiplying negative numbers in his weird little head?

Supreme Court Decision on DOMA and bigoted reactions from churches: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/06/26/religious-reactions-to-scotus-decisions/ & http://wordnews.org/2013/06/26/reactions-from-christian-organizations-swift-to-supreme-courts-overturning-of-doma/

Catholic Priest: It’s okay for gay men to marry lesbians: http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/428951/catholic-church-has-no-problem-with-marriage-between-gay-man-lesbian & Catholic Priest Suggests that in the wake of DOMA they should drop the word “marriage” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/28/marriage-holy-matrimony_n_3517019.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in a follow up to a story we talked about in episode 17, American Atheist president David Silverman unveiled America’s first monument to atheism in Fuckville, Florida last week.  And, in the humble, deferential manner we’ve come to expect from Bible Belt Christians, a number of Evangelicals showed up to help us dedicate what inaugural Farnsworth quoter and blogger Hemant Mehta has deemed a “Non”-ument.

I was gonna say Skepti-Couch . . . or Secu-Lounger . . .  or Seat of Doubt.

Protesters blasted Christian music and carried signs that read “Honk for Jesus”, “Preserve Florida’s Christian Culture” and “The South is a Christian Nation”.

Where the fuck do southern, conservative Christians get the balls to have pride as a group?  And how does Christianity get southern blacks on board so well?  Shouldn’t there be more awkward guilt around the South?  You don’t see conservative Germans flying Third Reich flags . . . 

And as if to lend validity to your point, according to our friends at Bar Room Atheist one of the signs actually read “Hook for Jeses”.

One lover of the lord tried to place a toilet seat on the bench during the ceremony, but not to be out-douched, prominent creationist and son of a felon Eric Hovind jumped on top of the monument to scream about how awesome Jesus was.  Hovind said that he was happy that the American Atheist had provided him a platform to preach from that was 48 inches high; ten inches short of being one inch tall for every felony conviction for which his father is concurrently serving time.

So the genius who – at one point – was carrying around a toilet seat in public . . .

I’m just guessing, but he probably wasn’t making an artistic philosophical statement relating to Marcel Duchamp, was he?

I really hope somebody out there gets that.

The big news out of the unveiling ceremony is that the show was so popular they’re taking it on the road.  Silverman announced that American Atheists are prepared to put up as many as 50 similar monuments all over the country in a social counter-offensive to the fundamentalist assholes who put Christian monuments on public property.

Excellent . . . Looking forward to The Seat of Doubt Tour <bunch of assholes>

Atheist Bench Unveiled in Starke, FL: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/atheists-unveil-monument-nonbelief-god-article-1.1386919 & http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/06/29/american-atheists-unveils-godless-monument-in-front-of-florida-courthouse-and-announces-many-more/

And in this week’s “How many felonies can the Catholics fit into one Scandal?” report, the Milwaukee Archdiocese was recently forced to release 6000 pages of Sexual abuse documents due to allegations of bankruptcy fraud stemming from some financial shenanigans allegedly intended to shield money from abuse victims.

Atheist Podcasters are already – as I speak – calling this the “Anal Leaks Scandal”.

Depends . . . but this could get messy.  

And as it happens, Cardinal Timothy Dolan appears to have his hands about elbow deep in the anal leakage, too, as included in the documents is a deposition where he suggests moving money to a “cemetery maintenance fund” to keep it shielded from future claims.

So if it wasn’t obvious to everyone already, the Catholic Church is officially – financially . . . and morally – bankrupt.    

  • “Ok, yes . . . we raped a bunch of kids, but if the courts make us pay for it, that would be prostitution, which is wrong.  We didn’t want to make whores out of these kids, just innocent rape victims.  Rape victims go to heaven.  Think about that trade.  Rape victim for several decades on earth, but then eternal bliss.  We’re doing favors, here.  We’re raping stairways to heaven for these kids.”

To Dolan’s credit, most of the documentation I’ve seen up to this point shows him impotently trying whatever he can to get these pedophiles the fuck out of the priesthood and while I’m not sure I’m in love with his proposed solution of paying them to leave and never turning them into the cops, he’s made to seem far less villainous by the merit of the people writing him back and saying, “No, pedophile or no, we need all the priests we can get.”

Milwaukee Archdiocese releases sexual abuse files: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/01/milwaukee-priest-sex-abuse-records_n_3527980.html

And in “We’re-worse-than-we-thought” news, a new international religion poll from German non-profit Bertelsmann Stiftung makes me want to swim with toasters.

So I take it we didn’t do that well?

The survey compared religious views of 13 nations and if you’re grading this thing fairly, the US lost to pretty much everyone on pretty much everything.

Among the study’s findings:

  • Americans lead all 13 nations in believing that (quote) “Only politicians who believe in god are suitable for public office”.

  • The very first amendment clearly says, “Don’t do that.”

  • Americans are the most willing to make sacrifices for their religion

  • It’s really just happiness and societal progress . . . so not THAT big a sacrifice.

  • And 50% of Americans find atheists (quote) “threatening”.

  • They fucking should.  We’re expediting their inevitable removal from the political decision-making process.        

The survey doesn’t offer any answers to the obvious follow up question: “Is it too late to un-secede from England?”

I’d be down for an Evolutionary War, where we get back with England for atheist reasons, by taking them back over.  And then give away Northern Ireland for spite.  Maybe drop the South on waivers.

I’d also like some answers on what, exactly, that 50% is afraid we vile secularists are going to do.  Are they afraid we’re gonna incur the wrath of their petty god?  Are they afraid we’re gonna make it legal to gay-marry a harem of chinchillas?  Or are they afraid we’re gonna prove they don’t get to go to eat sky-cake when they die?

Well I probably shouldn’t even be talking about this, but Phase 2 of our plot IS complete.  That’s all I’ll say, but they should certainly be threatened.

Or . . .  Is it that everyone on the wrong, backwards, misinformed side of every argument ever, is threatened by the truthier side?  The 50% number would be higher if more theists were smart enough to recognize their obsolescence.

New Survey: 50% of Americans find atheists “threatening”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/06/26/new-survey-50-of-americans-find-atheism-threatening/

And from the “How-Much-Will-You-Give-Me-For-This-Golden-Rule?” file, Australian priest, Anglican opportunist and shining example of Christianity in practice Terry McAuliffe got a little unwanted press last week over an incident involving a lost bracelet and an asshole.

Please tell me this dude found a bracelet in his asshole.

…or in his gay lover’s asshole.

No, were that the case it would have been the lead story.

Oh, so instead we’re sticking it somewhere in the rear?

The story goes like this; he finds a bracelet valued at around $6,500.  He tracks down the owners and offers to sell it back to them for half the price.  But don’t worry, he wasn’t only trying to fuck them on the deal.  He also suggested that they continue to claim it as lost and recover the money by scamming their insurance company.

“Wait… you’re telling me I get the bracelet that demonstrably belongs to me and I get to pay you $3000 and all I have to do is commit felony insurance fraud?  What’s the catch?”

Yeah, if it sounds too good to be true…

The one good thing he does here is suggest screwing the insurance company, but that doesn’t exactly make him Robin Hood here.  He’s stealing from the rich, and stealing from the poor.

Once the story hit the news the good reverend had a quick change of heart and offered instead to return the bracelet at no cost, stop being an asshole and wonder why he hadn’t just raped some kids instead.

Anglican Priest finds bracelet, tries to sell it to owners: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/26/reverend-bracelet-terry-mcauliffe_n_3503644.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “God-Hates-Your-Jiggly-Bits” news, the Christian Post brings us the story of two Christian ministries in Southern California who are willing to bravely venture deep into the heart of the satanic underworld of strip clubs and porn conventions to win souls back for Jesus.

Among those brainwashed into doing Christian charity work, I imagine a “missionary position” like that is highly prized, so they probably only have a couple of holes to fill at once.  

With names like (I shit you not) “JC’s girls” and “XXXChurch”, the ministries go to strip clubs armed with gift baskets that contain things like (I still shit you not) “Lotions, lip gloss and hot pink bibles” these groups send their crew to (again, I still shit you not), “strip clubs, brothels and between 8 and 11 porn conventions a year”

“If just one hooker find solace in her new pink bible, after getting sodomized for money, then we’ve done our job.  And if just one porn star uses her pink bible to block a money shot, we get some good free product placement.”

Ok let’s put 20 seconds on the clock – Church Porn Titles . . . Go!

Lord of the Thighs

Cream Piety  

How about Nympho Nuns Nine: The Naughty Nazarite?

Missionary Impossible

12 Apostles, One Cup

Numbers Colon 69

Can you reach the colon, in a 69?

Sheri Brown, lead coordinator of the San Diego Chapter of JC’s Girls told the Christian Post that god calls them to “reach out in love”, “form bonds with desperate women”, “offer them fulfillment” and “bring them to their knees for Jesus”; and then honestly expects us not to make fuck jokes about it.

Ok so what you’re saying is, “Last call for missionary fucking jokes.” . . .

“The Consu-Matrix” immaculate conception porn, starring Holey Trinity as the Virgin Mary. . .

It’s a threesome with Mary, Joseph, and God.

I love the concept of immaculate conception porn.

Yeah, kind of looks like masturbation… you can’t really tell.

Christian Outreach focused on Strip Clubs and Porn Conventions: http://www.christianpost.com/news/christians-outreach-into-strip-clubs-porn-conventions-to-share-love-of-jesus-98899/

And with those sexy images swimming through your head we’ll close out the headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, you’ll realize that we never really left.

Bible Story:

Run grab the young ‘uns, folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for Kids!

——————-

Gather around boys and girls.  Today we’re gonna open the bible up to Genesis and talk about the story of Lot’s daughters.

Now once upon a time there was a man named Lot.  Lot had two daughters whose names weren’t important enough to record in the bible, because they were women.

Lot and his family grew up in a town called Sodom, a town where a lot of daddies loved a lot of other daddies in the butt.  God hates gay people so he really, really hates whole towns of gay people.  So one day he decided to destroy the town and all the people who lived in it.

But don’t worry, kids.  Lot’s daughters were safe.  God loved them more than the other people who lived there, so he sent two angels to warn them.  They wouldn’t have to die.  It would only be their sisters, all of their friends and all the little dogs and cats and hamsters that lived there that would perish in a fiery catastrophe.  And trust me, boys and girls, the hamsters that lived in Sodom were begging for death.

But when the two angels showed up to warn Lot and his family, all the villagers, young and old gathered around because they wanted to anally rape the angels.  But anally raping angels is very naughty so Lot said “No villagers!  Don’t rape the angels!  You can rape my daughters instead.”  And he threw his two virginal, innocent daughters to a mob of diseased, rape-starved perverts.

But luckily for Lot’s daughters, the villagers really wanted to rape the angels instead, so the angels struck them blind.

“Hooray!”

Lot and his family had to move very quickly because death and torment was about to befall everyone they’d ever known.  So mommy, daddy and their two daughters ran away.  But mommy looked back at the town, so god killed her by turning her into salt.  Because if you look in the wrong direction, sometimes god kills you.

So with their mommy dead and all of their friends and pets burned alive, they hid in a cave and slept on rocks with nobody to keep them company but their drunken daddy.  And what’s even worse, they had nobody to have sex with except their daddy.  Of course, daddy wouldn’t want to have sex with them because daddy’s having sex with their daughters is naughty, so they got daddy really drunk and they force-fucked him several times.

They both got pregnant with inbred rape-children who they loved very much and the few people who lived through the story lived happily ever after.

The End.

Skit:

Henchman: “Heath, Noah… SCOTUS has overturned DOMA.”

(Sinister Laughs)

It’s all proceeding exactly according to plan.

Gather the others.  We must meet tonight.

(Scene Switch Sound Effect)

I hereby call this meeting of the League of….  

Um… Doctor Myers, Mister Dillahunty… The buffet is supposed to be for after the…

Whatever, I now call… you’re really gonna just take all the baby-bacon?  The whole platter.  No… that’s fine.  Um… yeah.  That’s fine.

Like I was saying, I hereby call this meeting of the League of Sinister Secularists to Order.  The honorless Noah Lugeons presiding.

Thank you, Heath.  Now obviously we all know there’s big news this week, but first things first.  Heath, can you read us the minutes of the last meeting?

We all started off pledging allegiance to Darwin, we hated America for a little while, Greta gave us an update about her cats, Doctor Myers and Mister Dillahunty ate all the baby-bacon before I got to the buffet, and we decided to go with the bench instead of the Trojan-Horse Satan Sculpture I submitted.

Thank you, Heath.  Now if there’s no new business, I’d like to move on to the… Um, Hemant, can you practice your sinister finger steepling some other time?  This is important.  Thank you.  And um… Tom, Cecil… We’re all still really impressed that you can both do that with your testicles, but if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a meeting here.

Now, as you all know, we’ve received word that the Supreme Court has struck down DOMA, leaving marriage completely defenseless.

(Hooray!)

Yes, we should all be proud of the job we’ve done, but this is no time to rest on our laurels.  The family isn’t destroyed yet.

You can’t even legally marry a sheep yet.

That’s right!  Polygamy, bestiality, child-sacrifice; none of that is legal yet.  And nevermind gay adoption… why aren’t those kids being aborted in the first place?

Or made into bacon?  Or both?  Fetus bacon is like the pre-veal filet mignon of atheist cuisine.  In French, ‘mignon’ means cute, so this makes sense.  If babies are cute, then fetuses are fucking adorable.  And small strips of that tender, undifferentiated fetus meat, slowly smoked, and then fried in its own almost babyfat . . . fucking delicious.      

Exactly.  We’ve won an important battle, but we can’t lose sight of the war.  Heath, what are we doing to further cement the destruction of traditional American values?

We’re drafting legislation now that would make happiness illegal in the month of December.  We’ve got some of our top agents planting more apocryphal evolution fossils.  And we’re still looking into that end-of-the-world-building from Ghostbusters, see if that’s for real, but it’s not looking good..

That’s not enough!  Is it still legal to be heterosexual!?  Why haven’t we fixed that yet?  Is it still legal to love your neighbor and be moral?  We’ve been fighting against that for centuries to no avail.

I think it’s time to enact phase 3 of the plan.

Is that the one where we cease human births and turn to cloning just to piss god off?

No… that’s phase 6.

Oh, right.  Three is the one where we kidnap Anna Kendrick and chain her up in your basement.

No, that’s phase 13 and that one was tentative.  Phase three is the part where we make Christians get UPC symbols tattooed on their wrists and foreheads.  I tell you, I’m starting to think nobody’s reading my memos but Glenn Beck.  And how the hell did he get a hold of those anyway?

Yeah, we’re still looking into that.

Hemant, the steepling.  Don’t get me wrong folks; I don’t mean to downplay the significance of this ruling, but as long as happiness, democracy and virgins are still out there, we can’t afford time to celebrate.  Remember, we can’t take away their ignorance, but we can damn sure take away their bliss!

Outro:

Before we cash in our chips tonight, we need to take a few seconds to recognize this week’s most exceptional mammals; Lindsay, April, Jason, Douglas and  Geoff spelled the cool way.  The quintessence of non-quiescent quercine qualities, this quick-witted quintet quietly quelled the quarrelsome quandary about quartering our quirky, quodlibetical quest by quantifying their appreciation and giving us money.

If you, too, would like to be the subject of some archaic alliteration and earnest appreciation, you can help keep this whole experiment going by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com and giving til it hurts.  And then continuing to give because you can take it.

All jokes aside, in all seriousness, we really do want your money.  But if we can’t talk you out of your hard earned dollars, you can always help us out by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes because that’s free.

That’s all we’ve got for you this week but if you want more, there’s more.  Frank and Dan at Thank God I’m Atheist invited me over to defend the utility of acerbic atheism the other day.  It was a really good discussion and you can find it on episode 85 of their show, which will be linked on the shownotes for this episode.

TGIA Archive: http://www.thankgodimatheist.com/podcast/archives.php

I also need to thank Heath once more for all he does to make this thing possible, and of course, my lovely wife Lucinda for providing the bible story this week and, of course, for performing adult services for me for 17 years and counting.  I also want to offer a concurrent thanks and apology to my muse Richard Dawkins, whose voluminous vocabulary acted as the inspiration for the song this week, as anyone who’s read the God Delusion probably already figured out.

I should also point out that I’m in a constant state of scrambling for Farnsworth quotes so if you have a blog, a podcast, a facebook page or even a consistently interesting Twitter feed, I’d be happy to throw you a plug in exchange for a 5 second audio clip of you quoting the 22nd century’s most stylish professor.

And finally tonight, I want to thank you, dear listener, for giving us 30 minutes of your life.  We’ll be hard at work trying to earn 30 more minutes next week but until then, you can also check out our erratically published blog and get occasional nuggets of Scatheism by following us on the Twitter, liking us on the Facebook and subscribing to us on the YouTube.

If you have question, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 19 – Partial Transcript

June 27, 2013 1 comment

by Noah Lugeons, Heath Enwright & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were removed from the show due to time constraints.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new off-Broadway musical, “Joseph Smith and the Amazing Technicolor Underpants”.  Because Matt Stone and Trey Parker made mad bank lampooning Mormons in a play, why the hell shouldn’t we?

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

In Thursday, It’s June 27th, and sorry about all that money you pissed away accidentally expediting a binding legal ruling in favor of gay marriage, Mormons.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from pizza Mecca, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode:

  • We’ll couch domestic abuse in a bunch of feel-good Jesus talk,

  • A new poll shows that Americans are as dumb as everyone thinks we are,

  • And God will kill an enormous number of people,

But first, the Diatribe…

Diatribe:

When I was 13 years old, my older brother gave me a copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and told me to read it.  I was more of a climb trees, play sports, be sweaty and grass stained kid than a sit still for more than 30 minutes and read stuff kid, but it was short so I gave it a go.

It was the first time I’d seen religion treated with such brazen mockery.  I was already doubting the conflicting messages from my Mormon dad and my Catholic mom, but when I read the Hitchhiker’s Guide I realized that it was okay to just call bullshit on all of it.  After all, this dude wasn’t getting struck by lightening or brimstone and he certainly didn’t seem too worried about hell, so why should I?

And there’s a question that Adams poses in that book that’s been stuck in my craw for two dozen years: “Just who is this god person anyway?”

You’d think that in 5000 years of trying, the Abrahamic faiths would have come up with a concise definition, or, if not concise, at least consistent.  But as we all know, if you ask 20 Christians to define god, you’ll get 20 definitions.  Sure, there’ll be a few commonalities, but it’ll be clear pretty quickly that all these Christians are worshipping a different guy.

And none of them, none of the Christians, none of the Jews and none of the Muslims are worshipping the guy from the bible.  The all-powerful, all-loving, all-knowing, moral, caring, forgiving, judicious, benevolent dude they talk about might make a cameo at some point, but he’s nowhere to be found in the first 4 books.

What’s worse, the guys who wrote the first four books of the bible, or more precisely, the guys who wrote the unrelated, independent sources that would later be woven together to become the first four books of the bible,  also aren’t working from a coherent definition.  Is god the dude who shows up in the Garden of Eden in Genesis or is he the guy that nobody can survive seeing from Exodus?  Or is he the disembodied spirit they talk about in the gospels?

Is he the all-knowing guy from Jeremiah and Acts or if he the bumbling idiot from Genesis and Numbers?  Is he the hard to anger guy they sing about in Exodus or is he the unjust, wrathful bully that was killing people for no reason right before they started singing that shit?

And if he’s all-powerful, why does he need Moses to do everything?

And if he’s all-loving, why is he such an asshole to virtually everyone he encounters?

And if he’s all-knowing, why do people have to keep reminding him of shit?

And if he’s moral why does he champion slavery so damn much?

And if he’s caring why does Moses have to keep talking him out of killing people?

And if he’s forgiving why does he punish kids for their parents crimes?

And if he’s judicious why can’t I find any Amalekites around these days?

And if he’s benevolent why does he have so much blood on his fucking hands?

Of course, these Christians that are so quick define god don’t know what the bible says because they’ve never read it.  If you press them, they’ll often claim that they’ve read “most” of it, but then you start quizzing them and it turns out they don’t know that there’s a talking donkey in the 4th book.  How much could you have possibly read?  It’s the 4th fucking book!  That’s like saying “I’ve seen most of the movie, but I missed all the parts after the opening credits.”

If I believed a book to be inspired by the all-knowing creator of the universe, let alone directly revealed by him, I’d know the damn thing by heart.  But these dingbats, even the “literal word of the bible” folks, can’t be bothered to crack it open.

And I don’t think it’s because they’re too lazy, either.  I’m willing to bet that many if not most of them started it at some point.  And I don’t think they turned away because of the genealogies or the archaic language or the repetition or the bulk.  I think they met their god and he scared them.  I think they turned away because they started to realize that the more they knew about their religion, the harder it would be to believe.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is my pan-racial color commentator who’s therefore allowed to say all the N-words, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to use otherwise-offensive slurs in the proper satirical context while berating believers in the absurd?

Cracka please!!!  Let’s get started.  Which confederate states are violating the first amendment this week?

We’ll get to that, but in our lead story tonight, recent polls show that 34% of Americans would vote for Jesus in 2016.

Another white guy?!?!

Yeah, but he’d be the first Jew.  According to HuffPo columnist and author Fred Rich, a recent YouGov poll had more than a third of Americans answering yes to the question “Would you favor establishing Christianity as the state religion,” with the majority of those saying they would be “strongly” in favor of such a move.

What percentage thought we had already clearly established Christianity as the state religion?

It’s like polling plantation owners on their views about the economic modalities of the southern colonies.  

“De facto segregation ain’t enough.  We need to get this stuff on paper.  Maybe we should make a grand public statement . . . a Proclamation of Demancipation . . . we’ll work on the name.”  

32% favored taking this beyond their individual state and support an amendment to the Constitution that would make Jesus-worship the national religion as well.  So basically a third of our country has seen how well theocracy is working in Saudi Arabia and want a piece of the action.

Strange how closely this number mirrors the percentage of people that identify as evangelical . . .

However most of this group couldn’t spell theocracy, and probably couldn’t find Saudi Arabia on google maps.

As Rich points out in his column, this was a national poll, so the heathens in New England and California were skewing the numbers.  Imagine what a poll like this looks like in just the stupid states.

Poll shows one third of Americans want a theocracy: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/fred-rich/breaking-news-34-of-your-_1_b_3461262.html

And speaking of the stupid states, our next story takes us to Kentucky, where Ken Ham seeks to rekindle the flagging attendance at his Creationism museum by adding… wait for it… zip lines.

After finding that dinosaurs and bullshit weren’t enough to bring in the kiddies, Ham and his knowledge-abhorring cohorts are turning to the time-tested technique of completely unrelated touristy shit like zip lines.

I bet the conservative group within his ultraconservative group are up in arms about this.  Might not go over well with the physicists in the Christian Science Department.  Aren’t there several bible passages that declare gravity an abomination?  

“The Lord didn’t say Let there be heavy – He said Let there be light”

To unveil this new attraction, he invited Kentucky state representatives, Kim King, Bart Rowland, Tim Moore, Tweedle Dee and Foghorn Leghorn for the ribbon cutting, which hopefully involved safety scissors.  Representative King showed just how little she cared about definitions and shit when she posted on Facebook that the (airquote) “museum” was (airquote) “educational”.

These guys are awful at this.  How hard is it to get attendance when nearly everyone in a 5-state radius is brainwashed from birth about the theme of their museum?  

If Mickey Mouse was in the bible, there would be Mini Disney Worlds in every WalMart.  

Kentucky Creationism Museum unveils zip line attraction, complete w/ State reps: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/06/21/kentucky-state-representatives-visit-the-creation-museum/

And from Mickey Mouse to “Mecca-Mouse”, our next story takes us to the middle-east where Dubai will see Kentucky’s stupidity and raise them billions of dollars because Dubai is rollin’.  In a probably-horribly-misguided attempt to combat the nation’s reputation of irreligion, the Dubai General Projects Department recently announced a Qur’an based theme park that will, I’m sure, be every bit as fun as that sounds.

I’m looking forward to “The Ideologue Floom” and “Twin Towers of Terror”

I believe that was our first 9/11 joke.  Well done.

Anyway, Dubai apparently has a “Vegas of the Middle East” reputation that prompted a popular Saudi cleric to order women not to visit the city… because you know how women are about succumbing to temptations of the flesh.

How the women manage not to rape all those burka-less men is beyond me.

But Dubai officials hope they can counter this image by taking the only thing these rabid, undereducated fundamentalists give a fuck about and treating with the culture and sanctity we’ve come to associate with theme parks.

I think Islam is just angry as a whole, not about Western domination, or the Israeli Magic Act of 1948, but about being that 3rd guy out that nobody really cares about.  They’re like Chris Bosh, Graham Nash, and the Green Party all rolled into one sad little box called “worst monotheists ever”.  

Judaism and Christianity get all the attention, and little brother Islam gets ignored again.  Historically, this leads to occasional bouts of radical attention-getting behavior.   

Dubai plans Qu’ran based theme park: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jun/23/quran-theme-park-dubai-religious-pilgrimage

And from the “remind-me-why-they-venerate-the-murder-weapon-again” file, the city of Evansville, Indiana has approved a public art exhibit that will contain no fewer than 2 and a half dozen eight foot crosses all over the city’s waterfront.

Is this one of those avant garde things where the public interacts with the art, and they leave out hammer and nails to see what happens?  Like a social experiment type of thing?

I wish… Unfortunately it’s one of those run-of-the-mill “I love the bible and the constitution almost enough to read them” things.  Recognizing the constitutionally problematic nature of this project, the city insisted that the crosses not be overtly religious crosses, but rather secular crosses.

Sounds like a perfectly secular homage to the lowercase letter T.

City Attorney Ted Zeimer Jr. couldn’t agree more, explaining the rock-solid legal authority of the city to violate the first amendment by pointing out that the United Way was allowed to put up statues in this very same spot once.

So because Evansville, Indiana has a long, proud history of violating the 1st Ammendment, they’re claiming squatters rights to ignore the Bill of Rights.  

Essentially, yes.  Zeimer went on to explain that (quote) “We told them they could not have any writing of any kind on them so they’re statues.  They might be a religious symbol to someone or they might be attractive statues to someone else.”

Yeah without the word Jesus actually written on them, they’re just an interesting demonstration of perpendicularity.  

“If it ain’t a right wing angle, it’s a wrong wing angle.”    

Let’s sell that T-shirt to Newt Gingrich.

City of Evansville, Indiana approved “30 Crosses” public art exhibit: http://www.courierpress.com/news/2013/jun/20/old167/

And moving on to our final story of the night, two weeks ago we talked about a Christian who was obsessed with men spanking their monkeys and this week we’ll turn to some Christians that are obsessed with men spanking their wives.

I’ll keep saying this until it starts happening . . .

How is every womens’ group not also an outspoken atheist group?!?

Well maybe this’ll help: The Christian Domestic Discipline movement’s website goes to great lengths to explain that they’re not a fetish site.  So stop asking, damn it.  They’re not interested in the type of spanking that both of the people involved enjoy, that’s satanic.  They’re interested in the type of spanking where men physically abuse their wives until they do as they’re told… but only if it’s consensual, of course.

Right, because biblically, the women you marry, and the blacks you own, are entitled to similar privileges.  Except the black aren’t guaranteed the consensual part . . . And really neither are the women.

Yeah, God doesn’t do consensual.

We should get down there and hand out some atheist-themed rape whistles.  

Maybe setup some womens’ crisis centers called “Planned Penetration”.  We probably won’t get bombed by evangelicals.

I’d be worried about them discovering and attacking our secret podcast HQ here in New York City, but the atheist trolls at each bridge into the city ask a series of logic riddles that slow-witted theist spies never seem to answer correctly.  

Which is nice, but it fucks traffic on the GW all up.

The CDD Lifestyle also advocates other forms of infantilization and punishments like time-outs, writing sentences like “I won’t disobey my master” and being humbled by (quote) “some sort of nude humiliation”.  But, and I can’t state this enough, this isn’t about being an abusive, misogynistic, felonious, psychopathic, cowardly, demonic piece of shit that should have his head drilled open and his cerebrospinal fluid sucked out by poisonous leeches wrapped in barbed wire because Jesus.

Christian group promotes spanking your wife: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/06/19/spanking-for-jesus-inside-the-unholy-world-of-christian-domestic-discipline.html

And on that mental image, we’ll close out headlines tonight, Heath, thanks again for joining me.

Fantastic time.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to regret suggesting we all read the bible.

Calendar:

It’s time once again from the Atheist Calendar portion of the show.  This is the now monthly portion of the show we set aside to talk up some of the atheist, skeptical and otherwise secular events going on around the country and around the world… only this time just around the country.

On the weekend of July 4th (and for our international listeners, July 4th is the day that Americans celebrate the 4th of July), the Skepchicks will be taking over the Science & Skepticism Track at ConVergance in Minneapolis.  Not sure about the rest of the conference, but the Skepchick part looks awesome.  Rebecca Watson and her team of Skeptical female superheroes team up with PZ Myers which would make for an awesome conference and an even more awesome comic book.

http://skepchickcon.com/

Of course, the big one gears up on the 11th in Vegas.  It’s called The Amazing Meeting, and if you’re listening to this podcast you’ve heard of it, so all I’m gonna say is if you register before the 1st of July it’s $125 cheaper.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

But if Vegas is there and you’re here, perhaps you can make it out to SSA East, the other half of the Secular Student Alliances bicoastal conference extravaganza this year.  Except that it’s in Columbus, Ohio, which certainly isn’t coastal.  So if you’re secular and you’re a student, it starts on the 12th and runs through the weekend.

https://secularstudents.org/2013con/columbus

And finally, I wanted to toss out a plug for the CFI’s upcoming leadership conference in Amherst, New York on the weekend of the 25th of July.  If you’re a student and have any plans or aspirations to start a skeptical, secular or freethought group on campus, CFI is a phenomenal resource.

http://www.cfileadership.org/

You’ll find more details about this conference and all the other events I just outlined on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Poem:

NUMBERS IN RHYME

by Noah Lugeons

1 is the number of gods and he gives

2 shits about who gets killed and who lives.

3 times Balaam and his donkey have spats

be-4 god starts talking out of that Midianite’s ass.

 

5 chapter in things get scary for chicks,

6-tuff’s prescribed if they’re getting side-dick.

And 7’s for resting unless you need stones,

To break some stick gathering heathen’s skull and his bones.

 

8 too much Manna? Should you voice your critiques?

God will plague you and kill you, but he’ll send quail for weeks.

And that asi-9 bastard may invoke some damned clause,

To show you what a 10-uous promise that promised land was.

 

11 Tribes conscribe all their fighting age men,

but the 12th tribe (the Levites) just carry the tent.

20 is war-age, but like most things, you’ll notice,

The tribe that’s exempt is the one that has Moses.

 

30 Days mourning when god kills Aaron on high,

Then 40 years waiting for all the bad jews to die.

50 percent of this book we spend bored

Counting jews and the booty they offer the lord.

 

We get a couple of censuses from all of the tribes,

Enumerated offerings are in detail described,

As the name would suggest, the book’s obsessed with amounts,

But no number gets higher than god’s body count:

 

We could start with the animals, who are killed by the score,

Each time the tabernacle opens its doors.

Bulls, rams and donkeys, pigeons and sheep,

And a pile of quails about three cubits deep.

 

Israelites?  Oh yeah, he kills them by the thousand.

He opens the earth and swallows whole houses.

He burns their encampments, sends serpents and plagues,

And what heinous encroachments elicit god’s rage?

 

Being hungry or thirsty, doubting Moses’ clout,

Going to the tabernacle once the candles are out,

Being honest when scouting, gathering sticks,

Complaining to Moses and acting like dicks.

 

Whoring with Moabites, lighting incense all wrong,

Being treated like shit and not just going along;

Thinking manna tastes nasty, being slow to obey

Or living in cities that stand in his way.

 

But it isn’t like God is always a villain;

When he orders Moses to murder all the Midianite children,

He says if they’re virgins and if they behave,

He can spare the young women and keep them as slaves.

Holy Babble:

The Book of Numbers rests between two of the most notorious books in the bible and, perhaps because of that, it doesn’t get as much attention as Leviticus and Deuteronomy.  And sure, Numbers doesn’t have the homophobic flare of Leviticus or the “Thank God the Pentateuche is over” satisfaction of Deuteronomy, but if you were to insert it into any other book ever written, Numbers would almost certainly be the most fucked up portion of that book.

But mostly it’s just a horribly boring book that details one leg of the trip from Sinai to the promised land, punctuated with moments of brutal insanity that might just be there to keep you awake.  Joining Heath and me to discuss this strange little hybrid of bookkeeping and genocide is my beautiful wife Lucinda.  Lucinda welcome back.

I’d say I’m happy to be here, but after reading Numbers, I don’t think god would want me saying that without getting my husband’s permission first. So I’ll just say hi.

Yeah, this is probably the most sexist book we’ve come across yet and we’ll get to all of that.  But first things first.  If the jews are gonna take over the holy land, they’re gonna need an army.

  1. Right, so we start with the original Schindler’s Enlistment.

  • Then they lay out the structure for the Judaism pyramid scheme, or Tetra-Hebron.  

  • “Why are the Levites at the top of the pyramid, considering they already run the IRS?  Because they used all the goat taxes to become job creators.  Somebody has to start the game with the reds and oranges, plus all 4 railroads.”

  1. And on top of that, none of the people in Moses’ tribe have to join the army and when they camp in the wilderness, they get to set up their tents smack in the middle of 11 armies.

  • Would you want rabbis in the front lines of your army?  No, you want badass, Israeli-Commando-type Jews like Adam Sandler . . . Not pale, bearded, shitty drivers that started the Crown Heights Riots by running over a black pedestrian.  

  1. And of course, god needs money to go with his army.

  • Right, so in chapter 3 Aaron loses about 1365 shekels in a card game, and sets up the most ridiculous, elaborate, nonsensical story to get the money back, from his flock of ancient nomadic tribes that apparently all carry reasonable amounts of fungible hard currency at all times.  

  • “So technically, 273 extra babies that should have been righteously murdered.

  • Which sounds a lot like an endorsement for abortion.

  • No it’s not abortion right after birth – that’s just righteous murder.  

  • “What had happened is, God was gonna kill all your kids, but me and my family of 22,000 agreed to live a life of purported divine privilege, in exchange for saving them.  But you all had 22,273 firstborn children, so God’s gonna need 5 shekels apiece for the accounting discrepancy.  Us Levites will collect the cash here and write God a check.”        

  1. Then we get god’s overly-elaborate Tabernacle relocation strategy.  Basically he spends chapter four channeling a foul-tempered old lady with alzheimer’s bitching at the moving guys.

    1. “I said wrap it in blue cloth!  No, I want the Gershonites to carry the curtains!  And careful with those lamps or I’ll incinerate you with fireballs!”

  2. And then we get started with the sexism.  In chapter five we learn how to tell the if your wife’s been fuckin’ the goat-milkman using nothing but some dirty water, a handful of flour and misogyny.

  • The old grain offering dirty water miscarriage trick.  Seems like this was just a way for dudes to save face when they had a slutty wife.  Having her drink dirty water might make her sick, but I’m fairly certain it’s never led to an instantaneous immaculate hysterectomy.  So every time they do the ceremony, the dude doesn’t look like an asshole, because his wife’s womb doesn’t fall out on the spot.  

  • Yeah, I was expecting them to break out a scale and a duck at any moment.  

  1. Then we get the rules for the vow of the nazirites, which is spelled “Nazi Rites” which kind of fucks me up in the middle of a Jew book.

  2. In chapter 7 God shamelessly ups the word count by spelling out the exact same 90 word sacrifice 12 fucking times!

  3. The Levites shave all their hair and pubes and become elevated in the eyes of the Lord.

  4. In chapter 9 we learn that god’s a cloud and don’t forget that Passover’s coming up.

  5. Then god adds a brass section and they’re ready to go conquer the promised land.

  • If I’m being a stickler, God should have asked for brass, plated with silver, if he wanted a fuller timbre for those trumpets . . . Nobody’s perfect.  

  1. As soon as they hit the road, the Jews start bitching because they don’t like Manna and they want some meat.

  • Couldn’t god have solved the meat-shortage by not demanding so damn many sacrifices?

  • Sure, but I guess this was supposed to be some grand punishment for not appreciating the triscuit rain, but not too impressive.

  • “Hey, do you guys have a 3-foot-tall pile of quail in your yard?  Ok, I guess since we’re NOMADIC, we just eat a bunch now . . . maybe not so much that quail actually oozes out of my nostrils, but a lot . . . and then start heading toward the next place on Moses’s desert obstacle course.”
  • Yeah what the fuck was he trying to say there?  Did angels force feed their asses like Kevin Spacey’s character in Se7en.

  • And God was like, “Shit, yeah that doesn’t smite them much at all-AND PLAGUE!!! I said the quail thing AND PLAGUE!!! Nobody heard me, but I had said “and plague” at the end as I trailed off.”      

  1. In chapter 12, Aaron and his wife talk shit about Moses so god makes her a leper for a week.

  • And when Moses asks God to go easy on her so she doesn’t turn out like a stillborn baby with it’s flesh half eaten off, he justifies making her skin rot off by saying, “If her father spit in her face, would she not be shamed for 7 days?”  Oh, well when you put it that way…

  1. Next we meet Double “O” Shiv’a scouting out the promised land and they say that all the people already living there are too strong for all the quail engorged Israelites to displace.

  2. And then God throws one of his patented temper tantrums and kills pretty much everybody for bitching too much.  He curses their children, he sends a plague, he marched an army out to die.  

  • And as if that’s not enough, he “unpromises” the promised land to everybody but Joshua and Caleb.

  • Yeah, it’s the part of the act where the hypnotist removes all the free-thinking non-sheep from the stage, leaving only the blindly faithful idiots who are truly qualified for Judaism.  

  1. And then in chapter 15, right in the middle of some proper goat-killing etiquette, we learn that Moses and the gang find a guy picking up sticks on the Sabbath so god commands them to stone him to death.  

  • And in a whiplash inducing subject change, in the next verse after the stoning, God reminds them that he likes fringes on the outfits, so don’t forget to add fringes.

  • “So seriously, it may sound somewhat contradictory, but no faggots on Saturday, and tassles for everyone!!!  Also, lest ye forget, I’m fucking God.”  

  1. Then we get a weird little mutiny.  Some other Levites challenge Moses’ leadership so he challenges them to an incense burning match to the death.  

  • “What?!?  I’m not clearly high priest because of actually talking directly to God?!?  Take out your censers bitches . . . I’ll outsmoke anyone.”

  • “Bitch, you light incense like Michael J. Fox on meth!  You call that a grain offering?  I’ve got more fiber in my stools.”

  • So God goes fucking nuts, opens the earth to swallow whole families along with their slaves and furnishings, he burns 250 people alive and then he kills fourteen thousand more with a plague.

  • And I must say, god is a total badass about it.  He says “Moses, step away from those dudes.”  And Moses says “Why?”  And God says, “So I can burn them to death with giant fireballs.”

  • Right… so why they didn’t all just stand really close to Moses is beyond me.

  1. Anyway, just in case the house swallowing, fireball chucking, plague sending message wasn’t clear enough, God also has Moses write everybody’s name on a stick and only Aaron’s stick grows flowers.

  2. In chapter 18 we reinforce the “the priests get all the best shit” motif.

  3. And in 19 we kill cows and we don’t touch dead people.

  4. In chapter 20 God kills Moses’ brother for expressing a slight hint of doubt.  And in the serial-killer-fashion I’ve learned to expect from deities, he doesn’t just plain murder Aaron, he makes his son watch his naked father die, and then walk back down the mountain wearing his murdered dad’s clothes.   

  5. Then God continues to be an asshole and sends a bunch of poisonous serpents to get the Jews to stop bitching… then finally Moses goes on the warpath and starts killing some motherfuckers.

  6. And then in chapter 22 there was some kind of biblical writer’s strike so they had the folks from Disney step in for a few chapters, because all of a sudden everybody’s breaking into song and there’s a talking donkey.

  • And didn’t Balaam seem strangely nonplussed by it?  He just carried on a conversation with his donkey like it was nothing.

  • Well he thought he was speaking to god earlier, so a talking donkey is far more plausible.

  1. So basically the story here is that Balak is trying to get Balaam to go to war against the Israelites, but Balaam knows god’s on their side so he spends a couple chapters refusing… in song.

  2. ^^

  3. ^^

  4. Then we get another census because, holy shit, it’s been almost twenty two chapters since we counted all the jews.

  • Well God had killed a lot of them since then.

  1. Then we spend 3 chapters going over old shit, but we do finally learn what we’ve suspected all along; God’s been cheating on Moses with Joshua.

  2. ^^

  3. ^^

  4. In chapter 30 we learn the difference between man vows (must be kept) and women vows (must be kept unless a man says so)

  • Yeah, just in case the “women are inferior to men” thing wasn’t clear by now, God hammers it home one more time.

  1. Then they go to war with the Midianites and slaughter them.  All the men of fighting age are killed.  Moses is furious… because they failed to kill the women and children.  

  • “I’m not getting God to divinely inspire our army, for you guys to not fully murder, pillage, and rape everyone.  I’ve gotta be a stickler on this, or my boss yells at me and he’s always watching.  You either murder them . . . or you rape them . . . or both in either order . . . Understood?”

  • Easily the most disturbing moment in the narrative so far.

  1. Then, thanks to the cattle-rustlin’ Reubenites and Gadites, Jews start a long and storied tradition of building settlements in other people’s land.

  2. Then we get a chapter that rehashes every spot where they camped for the last 40 years.

  • Riveting.

  1. Then they divvy up the promised land (before actually possessing it)

  • The first use of short selling.

  1. God takes a minute to spell out exactly what is and isn’t “murder”.  And can I just say, I love the whole “city of refuge idea”…  we should totally bring that back

  • It would make a great setting for a Nicolas Cage movie.

  1. And we finish with a soft close concerning inheritances and marriage.

So what do we learn in Numbers?  We learn, first of all, that God’s a wrathful, vengeful, abhorrent, petty tyrant.

  • Well . . . we re-learn.

  • We learn that women are worthless

  • we learn that donkeys can talk, we learn that genocide is a-okay

And we learn that anybody who read the first four books of the Bible and didn’t become an atheist needs to work on their reading comprehension skills.

So Heath, Lucinda, thanks for suffering through this with me.

We’ll take a couple weeks off of the Holy Babble, but we’ll all meet back here to break down Deuteronomy in episode 22 for those of you playing along at home.

Outro:

Before we shut off the lights tonight I wanted to respond to a slight criticism recently posted in an otherwise extremely complimentary review.  Mr “Something Clever About God” appreciates the toilet humor, the 30 minute format and overall production quality, but offers the following critique:

“The commentary is more ‘witty’ than ‘laugh out loud funny’, so Heath and Noah could use more snickers and less belly laughs”

First of all, thanks for the rating, but I do want to take issue with that minor objection.  Every laugh you hear on this show is genuine and Heath and I would never pretend to laugh at one another’s material and we certainly wouldn’t laugh at jokes that we wrote for the other guy and we certainly wouldn’t cut and paste genuine laughs and drop them into the audio later and I’m certainly not lying right now and it’s certainly not obvious.

We also need to take a few seconds to recognize this week’s most vivacious, tenacious, loquacious, sagacious, perspicacious, papilionaceous, gracious, curvaceous and hellacious people, Benjamin and David, who proved themselves worthy of the kind of praise that can only be fully expressed by Googling “words that end in A-C-I-O-U-S, removing the ones that are insulting and then adding a really obscure term for “butterfly like” by giving us money.

Only the most intelligent and sexually virile specimens of human excellence have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you can live up to my verbose laudations, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you love the show but you lost all your money betting on Scotus outcomes, you can still help out by telling a friend about the show or leaving us a glowing 5-star review on iTunes.  I should point out that as of this recording we have 68 reviews so there’s still time to be the sexually significant 69th reviewer if you’re into that sort of thing.

I need to thank Heath and Lucinda for joining me tonight and Remy G for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  This is normally the part where I’d tell you that you should check out his awesome Facebook page called “Fuck Your Fucking God, You Ignorant Blinded Dumb Fuck”, which totally makes this podcast sound PG and had an awesome avatar of a nude Jesus giving you this “Hey baby, I’ve got enough orifices for everyone” look, but I can’t because Facebook is run by a bunch of cowardly pube-waxing assholes who took down his page because religious people have fragile feelings and his words make them cry.

So since they won’t let him say it, I’ll say it, “Hey religious assholes on Facebook, fuck your fucking god, you ignorant, blinded dumb fuck.”

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  If you can’t wait that long, you could always check out our erratically published blog and like (slash) subscribe (slash) follow us on Facebook (slash) YouTube (slash) Twitter.  You can also find our archives at Scathing Atheist (dot) com or you can help us bump up our Stitcher ranking by downloading the Stitcher App and listening to us there.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 17 – Partial Transcript

by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright

SPONSOR:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Biblical shampoo, Seconds Acts Brain and Body wash.  Our maximum strength indoctrination formula is powerful enough to wash away IQ points.

Hell, by the time we’re done with you you’ll be buying shampoo with vitamins in it.  Like your hair can metabolize vitamins…

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

INTRO:

It’s Thursday, It’s June 13th and I can prove that if I have to.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from pre-apocalyptic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • A high school valedictorian will boldly stand with the many against the few.

  • American Atheists will give the devil a place in Florida to rest his cloven feet.

  • And the New England Patriots guarantee us at least one more season of Tebow jokes,

But first, the Diatribe.

DIATRIBE:

There’s an apologetics tactic that seems to be gaining popularity of late.  This one isn’t showing up in any formal debates, mind you.  This one is reserved for the “infantry” of religious debaters, the drooling ass-hats that you find commenting on You-Tube videos and trolling Reddit.  It’s a tactic I call “God, the ingredient-less sandwich”.

It goes like this: First, I, the apologist, upon seeing your blog post or YouTube video or whatever, tell you how wrong you’ve got it.  Then I offer a definition of god that is so vague and meaningless it would make Deepak Chopra blush.  By the time I’m done, I’ve defined god to be absolutely nothing.  He’s a sandwich with no ingredients.  He’s “all things” or he’s “the transcriber of physical laws” or he’s “the part of us that knows the divine” or he’s “innate sense of goodness in each and every one of us.”

And then you, the counter-apologist, have nothing to argue with.  Sure, you can point out that if the term “god” just means “all things” then there’s no point in the term “god” because clearly we both agree that “all things that exist” exist.  You can point out that if, by god, I don’t mean an all-knowing, all-powerful, omnibenevolent, all-creating, conscious force, then I should probably come up with a different word to use, since that’s what the rest of English has decided that the word “god” means.

But I’m never wrong.  Because whatever you say about god, I’ll just exclude from my definition.  Let me give you a real world example:

I do a segment on the blog called “Live Blogging the Bible” where I jot down some of the craziest shit in the book as I come across it.  Among the passages that inspired a blog entry was the one in Exodus where Moses outwrestles god by calling upon the magical powers of his son’s penis wreath.

So some theist pops on and gives a response along the lines of “Tee-hee, yeah, this part is really silly.  But boy is that book still really, really divine though.  Like, really, really importantly, sacredly, divinely inspired.  But tee-hee, yeah, the individual passages are really silly.”

This has been a pretty common criticism of the whole “Holy Babble” segment.  A Catholic friend of mine told me I was missing the point of Christianity by focusing on the bible.  Who reads Leviticus, after all?  I felt obligated to point out that Leviticus is the one they use to justify the homophobia thing so, you know, it matters.  But as I’ve said before that’s not the point of the segment.  We’re not out to “disprove” the bible or offer a textual critique.  We’re here to point and laugh and make dick jokes about it.

So I respond, he responds, I respond.  He seems overwrought by the fact that somehow his innocent defense of the bible on a website called the “Scathing Atheist” turned into a debate.  He gives me his ingredient-less god in the form of “I don’t claim to know all the answers like you atheists do.  I don’t claim to know what god is.  I’m just open to the possibility and believe that it’s true.”

Well bully for you.

And this “liberal” defense of theism; this “I’m open minded and you’re not because I’m willing to believe logically incoherent things and you aren’t” defense really pisses me off.  It brings out the worst in me.  These nearsighted fucktards defend some wishy-washy, intangible notion of religion and because of that, they think they can wash their hands of all the bad shit religion does.

Religion starts wars.  Yes, but not my type of religion.

Religion oppresses women and gays.  Yes, but not my theological bent.

Religion opposes science.  Yes, but not my vision of god.

It doesn’t fucking matter, jackass.  If you’re setting out to defend “god” against the atheists, you don’t get to just defend your gelatinous definition, because that’s not the only one I’m attacking.  Yes, it’s bullshit, too, but it’s not the only bullshit.  You’re involving yourself in a social movement and if you win, you don’t just win for your little slice of your side.  You win for every homophobic, misogynistic, child indoctrinating, anti-science, anti-education, anti-abortion, anti-equality fucktard who wears the cross.  And I think it’s worth noting that there are a hell of alot more of those Christians than there are of you.

Keep in mind that I’m not talking about what you believe.  Believe whatever you want.  I might make fun of it, but I really don’t give a shit what you believe.  I’m talking about what you choose to publicly defend; what you choose to put the weight of your intellect behind.

So eventually this commenter writes me off under the label of “religious intolerance”.  What, like that’s supposed to be an insult?  I’m wear the “religious intolerance” label pretty proudly.  I spent about 40 hours a week being actively intolerant of religion and the rest of my time being passively intolerant.

The fact is that these would be apologists are defending the side that makes good people kill other good people.  To that I simply say, “You should be ashamed of yourself.  You’re not, so I’m ashamed of you for you.”

HEADLINES:

Joining me for headlines today is my freelance confessor Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to hear my sins?

As long as you don’t show me video again, like the one when you <<<Bleep>>> all using just the one cup.

I was young and I needed the protein.

In our lead story tonight, churches around the country celebrated their unconstitutional and illegal tax exemptions last Sunday by telling the IRS to go fuck itself.  Yes, once again it’s that time of year; the time of year when preachers and pastors and priests go in front of their congregations, deliver politically charged addresses that prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that their tax exemptions are unlawful, videotape these sermons and send them to the IRS.

This doesn’t set any unreasonable precedents.   I’m pretty sure the Confederacy still does slavery one day a year.  Although I doubt they send the videos to the White House.

They call this ritual “Pulpit Freedom Sunday”, and it’s a reaction to that miswired portion of the Christian brain that sees “unrivaled societal privilege” and calls it “persecution”.  By law, churches lose their tax exempt status if and when they endorse a political view.  As their exemptions are based on the antiquated notion that a church’s primary function is the public good; using that institution to endorse a candidate or tell parishioners how to vote on an upcoming proposition is a clear violation of that societal contract.

The tax exemption for churches is especially egregious to me.  Religious groups taken as a whole, own about 7% of habitable land on the earth.  In this country, they don’t pay property tax on any of that.  Lots of shenanigans where personal homes are somehow also tax exempt houses of worship, but nobody lets me in when I knock really loud late at night wanting to pray.

And somehow, that’s not enough for over 1000 religious leaders across the nation.  They feel that they deserve tax exemption just because “up yours”.  What’s more, they shouldn’t have to do anything to earn it, they shouldn’t have to conform to any laws or regulations and they should get a magical pony.

They’re already getting away with this.  Having their sky-cake and eating it too.  Churches are getting the exemptions, and they’re clearly helping organize votes for politicians that share their distaste for science.  

“All you have to do, is shut up and take your impossibly over-generous status.  Just don’t make a sex tape showing your greedy dicks in the taxpayers’ asses”

And yet they can’t manage that.  They instead opt for the “do somethin’ muthatucka” approach.  They provide the IRS clear evidence that they’re in violation of the law and dare them to act on it.  The IRS, herein referred to as “Religion’s prison bitch”, responds by doing absolutely nothing and continuing to allow these leeches to flaunt their refusal to abide by even the most cursory attempts to limit their undeserved dispensation.

Christianity prefers syrup, and the IRS has obliged.

I also find it interesting, that without batting an eye at the thick ropes of irony on their face, the Christian vote went to Romney, whose religion defines marriage less like “one man and one woman” . . . and more like the porn industry.

Pulpit Freedom Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/06/09/today-is-pulpit-freedom-sunday-when-christian-pastors-dare-the-irs-to-revoke-their-tax-exemption/

And in “It’s-Just-a-Bench-You-Bloviating-Condom-Malfunction” news, we turn our eyes to north Cuba, also known as south New York City also known as the national death-queue, also known as Florida.  This story begins with a six ton granite monument sitting in front of the Bradford County Courthouse in Starke, Florida, proudly displaying a list of secular values like “Thou shalt not kill” and “Thou shalt have no other gods before me”.

Now that god’s dead, can we have other gods after him?  There’s gotta be some good midrash about this . . .

Anyway, maybe they’ll be able to find a Christian church somewhere in Florida.  A place like that might be able to use six tons of propaganda to put out front.

And when American Atheists challenged the legality of it that’s probably what they should have done.  Instead, they opted for the “fix-slavery-by-making-everyone-a-slave” approach and said that it was fine for Christians to put a monument up because anybody could put a monument up.  So the atheists opted for the second best solution and offered a monument of their own.

This is great, because a whole bunch of Christians are going to be terrified of the secret Trojan Horse Satan sculpture us vile secularists are conjuring up.

Unfortunately they set aside your “Trojan Horse Satan” proposal and opted instead for a 1500 pound granite bench adorned by secular quotes from the likes of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and Madalyn Murray O’Hair.  And, in an effort to complement the existing ten commandments structure, it will also include a list of Old Testament punishments for violating said commandments, including being stoned, beaten or burned to death.

Fantastic – I’m sure the Christians will appreciate a nice homage like that built into the otherwise entirely demonic bench.

Actually, in a stunning display of cognitive dissonance, Christians are outraged.  They manage a paradoxical simultaneous outrage that someone would dare to question the legitimacy of a monument endorsing a particular belief system and that someone would dare to assert the legitimacy of a monument endorsing a particular belief set.

Probably the same mental trait that allows them to engrave the words “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images” without recognizing the irony.  And again, there are thick, arcing ropes of irony in the room.

Atheists give satan a place to rest his cloven feet: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/jun/7/atheists-set-unveil-first-public-monument-florida-/

Our next story takes us to Liberty, South Carolina, a town known for it’s upscale retailers like Family Dollar and nothing else.  Because that’s honestly the only store in the whole fucking town.

Situated about 30 miles from anywhere you’d ever intentionally be, Liberty was home to a recent row between the ACLU, the FFRF and a bunch of Christian turd nuggets that liked to open their city council meetings with prayers.

We’ve been circulating that memo about the 1st of those 10 particularly important amendments since around Christmas of 1791.  I know these people aren’t the most intelligently designed beings, but come on…  

Yeah, you’d think they’d have heard it by now, but not so for high school valedictorian Roy Costner.  Incensed by the sudden political pressure from folks what ain’t ever from ‘round here, Costner decided to use his valedictory speech to send a clear message against the ACLU and their damned Constitution of these United States.

Costner sounds like he’s bound for greatness.  Valedictorians from Liberty are pretty much guaranteed admittance to North Northwest South Carolina Community College, and that’s like the Oral Roberts of North Northwest South Carolina community colleges.

And Costner proved that he’s got what it takes to stand in the proud ranks of North Northwest South Carolina’s fightin’ Fry Cooks by cleverly employing a surreptitious tactic called “lying”.  He submitted one speech to the school for approval but then, upon taking the podium, dramatically ripped up his prepared speech and instead offered the Lord’s prayer.  Because he’s an asshole.

“I had this whole speech prepared, but <DRAMATIC RIP> I’m going to improvise something entirely original . . . Follow along if you know the words . . . Our Father…”

What we have here is the specter of Christian persecution once again rearing it’s imaginary head.  This podunk redneck can’t see beyond the Wal Mart on 93 up toward Greenville and actually thinks he’s part of the oppressed minority.  The fact that nobody can get elected to national office in this country without swearing fealty to Jesus somehow fails to permeate his shell.

When a town in the pioneer Confederate State is called Liberty, the Christian white dudes there ABSOLUTELY DO NOT get to complain about oppression.

Douche-bag valedictorian delivers prayer for speech: http://www.christianpost.com/news/interview-valedictorian-roy-costner-iv-on-ripping-up-his-approved-speech-reciting-lords-prayer-97552/

And in the “There-are-only-atheists-in-foxoles-because-we’re-not-discriminating-hard-enough” news, the House armed services committee recently struck down a measure that would have created humanist chaplains to serve the near one in four American soldiers who have no religious affiliation.

Those atheist soldiers should have thought about this before they went and died before finding the lord.  Of course the chaplains don’t tell the surviving parents that their atheist child is in hell outright.  But they’re required to at least address how nice heaven would have been if they weren’t atheist, which is always awkward.  

Arguing that humanists chaplains don’t believe anything, Republican pubic louse John Fleming of Louisiana said that humanists would make (quote) “A mockery of chaplaincy,” adding that if an atheist chaplain had to tell a family that their child had died they would tell them (quote) “You know, that’s it.  Your son’s just worms.”  And then he corrected himself by adding, “I mean, worm food.”  Because he was too stupid to be that stupid correctly the first time around.

“You can’t talk to people about death without mass opiates to distribute.”

But don’t worry, it’s not like republicans hang their political hat on loving the troops or anything.

Also, to be fair, not all pubic lice are Republican Christians.

House Armed Services Committee kills humanist chaplaincy bill: http://www.goddiscussion.com/110407/house-armed-services-committee-kills-humanist-chaplain-amendment-for-military-service-members-by-a-vote-of-43-18/

And in military news this week, Jesus has declared war on the porn.  We know because Pastor Jay Dennis told us so, and if anybody knows about the use of pornography, it’s apparently Pastor Jay Dennis, of Lakeland, Florida, whose infatuation with pornography has become his life’s work.

Well he’s gonna run into some opposition from the pastor-bation campaign known as “BCB” or “Bishops Choking Bishops”.  They argue that if priests were to be denied access to porn, you might start hearing about rape scandals one day.  

Even though he totally doesn’t stroke his own dick because, you know, that’s sinful, he presents himself as something of an expert on the sinful autoerotic stimulation of penises.  He also doesn’t look at porn and only knows so much about it because he has vowed to obsessively take on the evil specter of pornography even if it means that he has to think about naked people fornicating all the time, day and night, forever.

Yeah I only go on the internet for the articles too.  The reason that typing any single letter will autocomplete to a porn site is because I get my news on those sites.    

Pastor Dennis is calling his single-minded preoccupation with men fondling their own genitals, “One million men porn free” and to end the evils of pornography, he often spends upwards of 16 hours a day thinking about all those poor men stroking their engorged, throbbing cocks; occasionally choking themselves a little bit at the end or maybe working in some ass play.

The fact that we can’t blow ourselves clearly disproves intelligent design.  And the fact that we keep trying anyway indicates even less intelligence.    

Calling pornography (quote) “the new bubonic plague in the church”, Pastor Dennis vows to figuratively “beat” every bishop that doesn’t take on the evils of pornography.  To figuratively choke every chicken that doesn’t have the guts to take on this issue.  To figuratively spank every monkey that covers its ears, eyes and mouth to the problem of pornography.

He should look into my new browser censorship software called “Stroke Ward”

Something about “Hand of God Job”

Pastor seeks one million porn-free men: http://www.christianpost.com/news/so-baptist-convention-2013-one-million-men-porn-free-among-featured-programs-at-annual-meeting-97526/

And in this week’s crucifix masturbation report, former Catholic student and current second cumming joke waiting to happen Valerie Dodds enraged officials at her former school, St. Pius X High School when she published nude videos of herself on school grounds masturbating with one of those little Jesus on the cross action figures that Catholics like so much.

We need to get this girl on our staff . . . And we should hire her too.

Basically, she just out scathed us by a mile; we just got served . . .  We might need to dance back.  “So you guys do a podcast about atheism? . . . That’s pretty cool . . . I just broke into a house of worship and came on the messiah’s face . . . Your move assholes . . . “

And then she just dropped the mic and walked off stage.

And while we here at the Scathing Atheist have occasionally been guilty of failing to fully vet our stories, you can bet your ass that I researched this one until I ran out of lotion.  Because she’s smoking fucking hot.  And she’s got a crucifix in her vag.

This is a way better take on the “pussy riot” concept.  So did she cum or what?

I never made it that far into the video, honestly.  She was later cited for public nudity for the stunt, so Dodds retaliated by returning to the school dressed in nothing but the legal minimum of a pair of panties and nipple covers, because she apparently entered the world by first escaping from a fourteen year old’s wet dream.

Also a 31-year-old’s wet dream during a post-shit nap earlier today.

Monsignor Perkinton, a representative of the school told the media that the school would respond by praying for the young woman.  And I’d like to think that when you have a 19 year old porn star constantly showing up at your door in her panties, you should be done praying.

Her site should be called porn-huskers.com

Now that we’re not really on the subject, Jesus works well for several fetishes.  My favorite is post-crucifixion necrophilia combined with the stigmata orifice thing.  Any chance you have a snappy title for that genre?  Must make pun . . .

A dirty Cristos?  The holiest of holies?  A wrist-job?

Former Catholic student breaks into school to videotape herself masturbating with a crucifix: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/06/07/nebraska-catholic-school-praying-after-former-student-masturbates-with-crucifix/

That does it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks for joining me.

And when we return, we’ll be back.

SKIT:

Narrator: In the beginning, there were two gods.  And while many know the story of the more ambitious brother, Jehovah, only a few know the story of his twin brother Mikey.  Both were gifted with omnipotence, but only Jehovah was gifted with ambition.

This is the story of Mikey:

(angelic choir, door opening)

“Whoa!  What the hell is that?!”

I call it light.

Well… don’t you think it kind of blows?  I’m blinded over here.

Oh, bro, you haven’t seen anything yet.

That’s cause I’m fuckin’ blinded.

I’ve got a whole plan… heavens, seas, animals…

Dude, unless this is at least tangentially related to Super Smash Brothers, I’m not interested.

Mikey, this is really important stuff.

(dismissively) Whatever, man.  I’m going to bed.

Narrator: And as Mikey slept, his brother continued with his momentous plan…

(Snoring sounds, Splashing water)

(grumbling) Now what?!

(Sloshing through water, door opens and closes)

What the fuck are you doing?

I call it water.

Well, you think you could make it suck a little less?

Don’t worry, I’m going to create solid ground next.

Well can you hurry the hell up? It’s kinda hard to sleep with all this churning and rolling and salty crap getting sprayed in my face.

Yeah, I should be done with the ground tomorrow sometime.

Tomorrow!?  What’s wrong with now?

This is a lot of work, bro.  I promise… I’ll get to it as soon as I can. I’m still separating all these seas.

Fine… just hurry the hell up.

(door slams)

Narrator: And on the second day, Mikey rested…  And on the third day, Mikey continued to rest.  And on the fourth day he mostly just smoked bong hits.

(Bong sound effect)

PART TWO:

Narrator: Four days after the first intrusion of Jehovah’s light, Mikey awoke within a sealed wooden enclosure he’d used to avoid his brother’s twisted machinations.  Beyond the wooden walls he could hear strange sounds and his curiosity eventually bested his lethargy.  Mikey ventured once more into Jehovah’s new creation.

(Door opens)

Yo, Joey!

(mutters) My name’s Jehovah

I’m digging that big orange ball of flame… it’s nice. I’d have put it a little higher up, but hey, that’s just me.

It actually rises and falls back over on that side. It moves kind of slow. I’m trying to get it to exactly 24 hours but it’s a pain in the ass.

How close are you?

I’m within a minute.

Close enough.

(mutters) Isn’t that always your answer…

Loving what you did with the sky, little bro. Little white patches floating by… nice touch.

Clouds, I call ‘em. You should see it at night. I did stars and everything.

Nice.  So what are you planning with this whole thing?

(slightly maniacal laugh) Well… I still gotta finish the moon, but then the next couple days I’m working on animals.

What the fuck are animals?

Little living, sentient things that’ll eat each other and compete for limited resources. It’ll be fun to watch.

Sounds like a pain in the ass. Are you gonna take care of all those things? You know… take ‘em for walks and stuff?

Nope. They’re on their own in a cruel world, bro. But hold on, I haven’t told you the…

Wait… a cruel world? Why would you create a cruel world?

Cruelty will act as a lesson about the vastness of my power. I’ll creating suffering so that they can enjoy bounty in its absence.

That doesn’t make a lick of sense.

No… it does. See, you can’t have good without evil.

Yes you can.  You’re omnipotent, remember? You can have anything you want.

Anyway, don’t worry about it. That’s not even the best part. I haven’t told you about ‘man’ yet.

(skeptically) What are mans?

Men.

Okay, what are mens?

No, man, but when you pluralize it, you say ‘men’.

This is already weird and you haven’t even told me what they are.

I work in mysterious ways, Mikey.

Whatever… fine. So what are ‘men’?

Okay… this is so cool… They’ll be like little versions of us. My own image and everything. And I’ll give them free will and I’ll stick them in a garden paradise…

Well that’s nice of you. I was afraid…

… but I’ll put a tree in there with really delicious fruit on it and I’ll tell them not to eat it and when they do… and you know they will… anyway, when they do, I’ll curse them for all of eternity.

… what?

And then I’ll fuck with ‘em for a few centuries and totally remove myself from their world. And if they don’t believe I exist after that, I’ll condemn them to spend eternity burning in a fiery pit.

What’s a fiery pit?

It’s something I’m going to create just to be a miserable ass place to spend eternity in.

Um …Why?

Because I want them to see how awesome I am.  They’ll love me or they’ll burn in hell in an unending orgy of tragic pain for all of time. It’ll be great!

Dude… you’ve lost your fucking mind. I’m sorry to just lay it out there like that, but you’re fucking crazy. That’s the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard. Seriously… I should create mental asylums just so I could lock you in one.

Go ahead. See if you ever figure out how magnets work, dick.

Narrator: God turned his back on his brother and Mikey retreated to his ark to play some video games. It would be centuries before he came out again and by then, his brother had so irrevocably fucked up his experiment that he’d simply given up on it and moved on to a new project.

Thus ends the gospel of Mikey.

OUTRO:

Before we snuff the candles this week, I wanted to respond to a few concerns a fan of the show raised on an otherwise very complimentary review on iTunes.  Il Divertente points out that the show is funny, well-written, thoughtful and great, all of which are true.  He then goes on to share two minor irritants:

One is my persistent mispronunciation of atheist as atheist instead of atheist.  He or she is, of course, correct and as she or he is not the first person to point it out, and I hope he or she noticed the concerted effort I’ve been making to get it right.  I’ve got a bit of a lisp I have to work around and there’s something about the word “Atheist” that always trips me up.

The second concern was that of my hidden identity.  He or she correctly points out that my name is not actually “Noah Lugeons” and wonders what I’m hiding from.  Well, Il Divertente, I would direct your attention to another person who hid behind a secret identity and redeemed humanity through his suffering.  And that person’s name was Batman.

Now clearly, Batman had a way cooler car than me because who needs a car in New York, but I think we can all admit that Noah Lugeons is a way funnier pseudonym than Batman.

I should also point out that if you’d like to unmask the Scathing Atheist, an easy way to find out my secret identity is to give us money.  Because of the way paypal sets up its donation system, everybody who donates to the show actually sees my name on the confirmation email they receive.

Which brings us to a quick recognition of the unparalleled awesomeness of this week’s most exceptional carbon based lifeforms, Richard and April.  Already among the pantheon of the world’s greatest people for having donated to the show in the past, these two transcendently admirable and admirably transcendent individuals have earned a spot within the pantheon of the pantheon by doubling down and donating to our show not once but twice.

We make a lot of jokes about pretty much everything, but we are truly humbled by the generosity of our listeners and thanks you sincerely, even if it means having to be sincere for a few seconds.  If you, too, would like to join the pantheon of the world’s best people, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but all your money is tied up in Linguini-based energy, you can always help us out by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes, telling someone about the show and then forcing them to download it at gunpoint.

That does it for us tonight but we’ll be working hard to earn another half hour of your life next week.  If you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out our erratically published blog, follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook and subscribe to us on YouTube.

I want to thank Heath for everything he does to make this show possible.  I also need to thank Lucinda for narrating the skit and putting up with the mostly unpaid second full time job I’ve decided to take on.  I also need to thank Wesley from Atheist Nomads for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s got a really fun and rowdy podcast going on over there.  If you haven’t checked it out yet, I highly recommend you give him and Dustin a day in court.  You’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes for this episode.

http://www.atheistnomads.com/

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the “Contact Page” at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by your truly and yes, I did have my permission.

A Non-Trivial Problem

June 12, 2013 1 comment

by Noah Lugeons

I’ve been trapped in an endless and ultimately pointless debate on this blog for over a week now.  It all began when a pseudo-theistic pseudo-apologist commented on one of my “Live Blogging the Bible” posts with something that amounted to

“Tee-hee, yeah, this is a pretty silly part of the bible.  I agree.  But still, man is that book incredible and divine.”

Of course, I haven’t read the whole book and have barely crested the “preface” stage, but I still have to take issue with this assertion.  The book cannot be more than the sum of its parts.  If there are any genuinely meritorious parts of the book, one would still have to weigh them against the unscrupulous horrors in other parts of the book.  And honestly, the rest of the book would have to pretty damn good to make up for the misguided anti-morality of the first three books.

The crux of the apologists argument was that my cursory reading of the bible was worthless as I wasn’t taking the time to understand it in context.  I was also focused only on the bible and not the rich theology that has evolved through the ages.  Christianity, he argued, is not the bible.  The bible is just a starting point and the theology of the faith had advanced so much since the days of Moses’ foreskin aided wrestling match.

I pointed out that it’s not really possible to say that theology “advanced”, as one can no more say that theology of today is in accordance with the divine than the theology of yesteryear.  It’s like talking about a breakthrough in homeopathy or phrenology.  If the endeavor has no measurable value, it can’t be said to advance.  Advance suggests a destination.

Instead of answering that charge, my esteemed opponent instead accused me of “religious intolerance” as though I did not boast of it.  He suggested that I’d simply divided the world into the good people who are against religion and the bad people who are in favor of it.  It was a thinly veiled charge of anti-theistic bigotry that rested on my continued insistence that without a goal one can draw no nearer to the goal.  How dare I be so intolerant of people making bold and demonstrably false truth claims while insisting that they’re point of view should be respected and accepted without the burden of evidence?

This is a common tack from the “liberal” theist (and by liberal I refer here to their theology, not their politics).  Atheists are bullies that are every bit as dogmatic as the believers.  We’re intolerant of religious people (which is true) which means we’re just like the Muslims who are intolerant of the Jews (which is bullshit).  They, on the other hand, are agnostics with a property-less god and the only honest position: self-imposed ignorance.  We should just live and let live and who cares if fundamentalists stand in the way of science or oppress gays or mistreat women?  That’s not religion’s fault.

It is an intellectually dishonest position and what’s more, anyone smart enough to take this position is also smart enough to see why it’s bullshit.  Religious extremism is (as the name would suggest) simply a point on the spectrum of religiosity.  Some people have benign tumors but that doesn’t mean tumors aren’t a problem.  Fundamentalism is a problem that (a) all religions share and (b) cannot be found outside of a religious context.  This would suggest that fundamentalism is a necessary byproduct of religion.  And it really doesn’t matter what a bunch of Muslim scholars say about peace and love if the true believers are hacking people to death in the streets.

This is not a “live and let live” situation.  This is a situation that demands intolerance.  Religion is a non-trivial problem.

No rational person would wish for the destruction of the world.  Such a proposition is as irrational as any you might propose.  What’s more, no person irrational enough to wish for the destruction of the world could possibly acquire the means and assistance he or she  would need to make it happen.  While technology does give us the means to global catastrophe, it is hard to imagine that anyone with the stated goal of world destruction could find anyone willing to lend a hand.  Sure, a clever statesmen could use nationalism and deceit to trick enough people into helping him, but the very nature of logic forbids any large scale attempt to bring about the end of one’s own species.

But, of course, if logic can be removed, there is no such safeguard.  If one can be convinced without evidence that a whole different universe exists after you die that is way better and way more important than this petty world, you could overcome your natural survival instinct and happily march the planet toward the apocalypse that your god has promised you.

No doubt the liberal defender of theism would roll their eyes at this nightmare scenario.  They would pretend it is ridiculous.  They would pretend that there aren’t large, organized, multi-national groups with exactly this goal.  They would pretend that somehow reason can prevail amid a group that has outlawed reason.

And of course they would.  They have to.  They can’t accept that the same thing that gives them their own personal love-Jesus might also have a dark side.  And they certainly can’t accept that the dark side eclipses the bright side.

Religious extremism is just religion without constraint.  No religion has ever voluntarily tempered itself.  No religion has ever neutered its own power.  It is the job of the secularist, the job of the scientist and the job of the atheist to castrate religion every time it thrusts its scrotum into the rest of the world.  As fond as religion is of mutilating it’s own genitals, they still leave that job to us.