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Episode 26 – Partial Transcript

August 15, 2013 Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

Sponsor:

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And now the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday, It’s August 15th, and there’s no evidence to suggest anything important happened 2,013 years ago.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from begrudgingly heterogenous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode:

  • A judge in Eastern Tennessee will hand down a verdict in the case of State of Tennessee vs. Whoever the fuck I say you are,

  • We’ll learn about the lighter side of Nazi symbolism,

  • And we’ll meet a man who blew up the family dog for all the wrong reasons,

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

http://arstechnica.com/science/2013/08/new-meta-analysis-checks-the-correlation-between-intelligence-and-faith/

For some reason, the fact that atheists are smarter than religious people is controversial.  The fact that it’s a fact isn’t controversial, of course.  That’s been born out by study after study, and regardless of wealth, education, gender and religiosity of the parents, atheists as a group always outscore theists when it comes to the ability to think.

Yes, of course, the smartest Christian is way smarter than the dumbest atheist, but on the average, the nonbeliever is significantly more intelligent than the believer.

And as well established a fact as this is, it’s absurdly polemical.  It’s just not polite to talk about.  Why, it’s downright rude to point out that people who believe logically incoherent things based on the authority of a guy in a silly hat are dumber than people who don’t.  Even if you use big words they’ll know you’re picking on them from the tone of your voice.

Take for example the response to the new meta-analysis from psychologists Miron Zuckerman and Jordan Silberman.  You probably saw it on Facebook under the heading “Fucking duh”.

Their study, which was recently published in Personality and Social Psychology Review, looked at decades worth of data from sixty plus well-designed studies and found that, to nobody’s surprise, atheists are still definitely smarter than theists.

And sure, this study has its detractors because religious people are really good at getting angry at reality when it fails to conform to their desires.  So sure, a bunch of Christians are yelling “we’re not as stupid as we are!” and a bunch of scientists confirming that they’re wrong.  Nothing new to see here.  In fact, the only really interesting part of the study was the bit at the end where they try to answer the “why” question.

This is always really tricky for sociologists dealing with this issue.  What we have here is a stupid question that demands an intelligent response.  Why are atheists smarter than theists?  Well, if you define intelligent as the ability to come to correct conclusions when given sufficient information you’re asking why intelligent people are smarter than non-intelligent people.  But sociologists aren’t allowed to end their paper with “We conclude that religion is stupid”.  So instead they offer up three possibilities to explain the data.  And all of them are commendable attempts at not rubbing it in, but none of them stand up to intellectual scrutiny.

The first is that intelligent people are simply less likely to have conformist personalities and are therefore less susceptible to religious indoctrination, leading to lower levels of religiosity later in life.  Now I’m sure that this is true and is a contributing factor, but at best it only partially explains the data.  Even if you separate out just the people raised without religion, the atheists in the remaining group will still, on the average, be smarter.  This fact, which is in their data, completely dismisses possibility number one.

Possibility number two is a little more reasonable.  It posits that intelligent people are less likely to accept any belief that isn’t subject to empirical testing or logical reasoning.  But as reasonable as this is, it still has no explanatory powers because all they’re saying here is that intelligent people are better at thinking.  And yeah, that’s true, but it still doesn’t address the parlor pachiderm.

Which brings us to possibility number three, which is the “gee, shucks” bullshit explanation that relies on four dozen assumptions that are unsupported by their data.  They say that perhaps intelligent people are simply less likely to “need” the things religion “provides”.  Of course, try as they might, they fail to demonstrate any “benefit” of religion, so this lacks any explanatory powers as well.

It’s worth noting that some of the nonsense in their third possibility is directly contradicted by their own findings, as one of the explanations they try to use is that atheists are generally wealthier and in less need of a supplemental feeling of control.  But since the data shows that the trend holds even when you account for wealth, this clearly can’t be the case.

I don’t want to be too hard on the researchers of course.  They did the best they could to draw attention to a fact that needs to be given more credence in public discourse.

But  if we were being fair, the question “Does an invisible person listen to you when you wish for things?” would be on the IQ test and if you answered yes you shouldn’t be allowed to have an IQ at all, but I know we’re not gonna get that.  Still, the premise of this question is pretty simple if you grant that there is a correct answer to the god question.  Basically, what we’re saying with this study is “People who got this major question right also tended to get other questions right”.  It’s like a study that finds that people who know that capital of Belize are better at geography.

Why are atheists smarter than religious people?  Because getting answers correct is the definition of intelligence.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the brains of the operation, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to be statistically more intelligent than your theistic counterpart?

As an atheist, I walk into a church.  There’s a guy nailed to a cross, there’s an 80-year-old likely pedophile giving a speech, and there’s a whole bunch of people hanging on his every word.   Who’s the Vegas favorite to be smartest guy in the room?  

In our lead story tonight, the Obama administration filed an amicus brief in favor of prayer at public meetings in advance of an upcoming Supreme Court challenge to the unconstitutional practice.

I thought Obama was an atheist . . . Uncle Clarence Thomas Aquinas . . . turncoat bastard.

That was a Wheel of Fortune ‘before and after’, a literary race traitor reference, a religious supreme court justice tie in, and a religion connection, all in one.  

Give yourself more credit than that, it was a Wheel of Fortune “before and after and after plus before again.”

Anyway, the brief claims that as long as a prayer isn’t clearly intended to proselytize and doesn’t denigrate a particular faith, it is an entirely reasonable way to open a meeting of elected representatives.  After all, as the brief points out, the House and Senate both have chaplains and when have either of those bodies ever fucked anything up?

What the fuck does a Congress chaplain do?  Pray for separation of church and state?  Pray for themself to be fired for a First Amendment violation?

And ALL wasting of taxpayer-funded time denigrates atheists.  Live animal sacrifice has the same statistical success as Christian prayer in causing things to happen.  Let’s just skip the prayer, save the goat, and have legislative bodies spend ALL their time preventing progress like they’re fucking supposed to.

This is just the latest attempt to reach around to the religious community, to offer a stroking hand of friendship, to bend over frontwards in hopes of attenuating the Prince of Darkness reputation Obama has among evangelicals.

Have I already made a joke about rosary anal beads?

Yes, but you can never make too many.

They’re acting like the beliefs of Christians are somehow informed by facts and occurrences in the real world.

Right, and despite the impressive string of compromises, concessions, copouts and consolation prizes, the fundies continues to clean their guns and stock up on freeze-dried legumes against the inevitability that the population will be imprisoned and forced to pledge their souls to satan.

Obama administration files amicus brief supporting prayer at government meetings: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/08/09/obama-administration-backs-legislative-prayer-in-amicus-brief/

And in “nautical nincompoopery” news tonight, sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from a tropic port when some homophobic weasel-eating rednecks lost the ability to separate Fox News from reality and decided to endanger the lives of their children in a fruitless and ill-conceived attempt to escape the abortion-loving US in favor of the rapidly sinking Kiribati islands.

Listen, I’m not saying bringing your children to almost die with you on a boat is the same as abortion . . . I’m saying it’s MUCH MUCH WORSE!!!  

Abortion is quantifiably good for society.  

Whereas negligent almost homicide, even bible-inspired negligent almost homicide, not good for society.   

30 year old Sean Gastonguay and his 26 year old wife Hannah cited a number of imaginary reasons they chose to leave ‘Murica, including tax payer funded abortion, state control of churches, mandatory homosexuality and the tiny robots that sneak into their brains when they sleep.

Well they’re bluffing about that last thing, because they can’t know about the brain nanobots.  That’s the whole thing with nanobots.

As far as the tax-funded abortion, that sounds weird, because I usually get my abortions done at a private doctor, but I never got any voucher checks.  

I go to Jerry Orbach as Jennifer Gray’s dad in Dirty Dancing . . . the first and last likable abortion doctor in a movie.

“Nobody puts baby in the dumpster in the corner…”

Anyway back to the harrowing story of our deficient defectors, figuring that nothing goes better with stupid than more stupid, they opted to escape the country by sea; setting sail across the Pacific Ocean with a 3 year old, a baby and absolutely no knowledge or experience in navigation.  Hannah explained that they (quote) “decided to take a leap of faith and see where God led us”, which, as it turned out, was floating aimlessly in the Pacific ocean for three months after rough weather crippled their laughably under-equipped vessel.

I guess it’s a no-brainer for atheists, but if they didn’t get rescued in time, who gets eaten first on that boat?

Family sails away from the gay, abortion loving US and gets lost. http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/219129631.html?page=all&prepage=1&c=y#continue

And in “Not the preferred nomenclature” news tonight, it turns out there’s a legal limit to how weird a black person’s name can be.  Or at least, that’s the opinion of the dishonorable Judge Lu Ann Ballew, who decided to change a 7 month old babies name of her own volition during a custody dispute.

If black people weren’t allowed to give their kid any name they want . . . I’d probably be able to make a racist-sounding analogy right here.  But I can’t, so black mothers – and occasionally black fathers – can name their kids whatever they want.    

The Eastern Tennessee Judge was hearing a custody case involving a baby named “Messiah” and despite having not been crowned emperor and thus having no legal right to do so, she decided to overrule the birth certificate, explaining that Messiah was a title, not a name and it had only been earned by one person and that person was our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Right, because the word messiah comes from Hebrew and appears in the Old Testament, which was that book all about Jesus.  

In an effort to explain her actions, Ballew asserted that the name Messiah could cause problems in the largely Christian area.  And while I understand the sensitivity to insult a person whose last name kinda rhymes with swallow and has the word ball in it that adjudicates in Cocke County certainly has, that still doesn’t afford her the jurisdiction to rename people’s kids.

Quick story time . . . My atheist friend was being raised Catholic to placate grandparents, and when he got confirmed, he had to choose a saint to have as his confirmation name.  So he tried to have “God” as his confirmation name, claiming  that Jesus is a saint, and Jesus is God, therefore God is a Saint.  To which his priest responded, “Wait, you lost me at therefore” . . .

Tennessee Judge renames baby during custody hearing: http://www.goddiscussion.com/113836/parents-told-by-tn-judge-they-cannot-name-their-baby-messiah/

And in yet another “naked, alien-worshipping lunatics redeeming Nazi regalia” story, the Raelians are in the news for the third time in as many decades this week with a misguided effort to rehabilitate the swastika.

Against all odds, they found something less-defensible than their existing cult beliefs.  

And gratuitous mention of terrible attention-grabbing things like swastikas, Nazis, genocide, rape, cancer, abortion, and whatnot . . . That’s no way to get attention.  Unless you’re our podcast.

Even I wouldn’t wear an ironic hipster swastika t-shirt.    

Boasting a worldwide following nearly equal to the population of Pawtucket City, Rhode Island, the Raelians bill themselves as the world’s largest UFO religion, a statistical advantage cemented by the frequency with which their competitors commit mass suicide.

At this point, if you’re part of some alien cult, and somebody sets up any kind of punch bowl situation, you’ve gotta see that coming.

But if you think about it, they can only claim that because Scientologists are too embarassed to admit what they believe in public.

In the latest installment of their thinly veiled attempt to get people to talk about Raelians, the group flew a swastika laden banner over a popular Long Island beach sporting a web address where people could join them in their fight to reclaim the true meaning of the swastika.

This sounds like the worst Kurt Vonnegut book ever.  Some galactically important alien plot that revolved around using swastika shapes for communication, and the Nazis unwittingly fucked up their whole plan, and Kilgore Trout had something to do with it somehow.  

Fuckin’ anti-semite tralfamadorians…

Raelians work to take back the Swastika: http://www.theguardian.com/world/shortcuts/2013/aug/11/ufo-religion-raelians-reclaim-swastika

And in this week’s installment of CSI: Nazareth, Kenyan Lawyer Dola Indidis is fighting to overturn the conviction of one Jesus H. Christ.  Arguing that Jesus clearly didn’t do it, Indidis has filed a case with the International Court of Justice against Pontius Pilate, King Herod and a ham sandwich.

How are Christians mad about this?  Didn’t the Romans and the Jews kill Jesus for your sins?  Follow the money.  Who benefits from Jesus dying?  Everyone.  We all get to sin for free now.  Plus, none of you are supposed to believe Jesus really died!  This is all in the script(ure).  

Included in his list of defendants are the modern day nations of Italy and Israel.  The stuff that Indidis uses in place of logic supposes that Italy incurs guilt for pretty much being Ancient Rome and Israel incurs guilt by being full of Jews.

If they’re found guilty in court, what happens?  We crucify a rabbi and a soccer player?  Kenya owns Vatican City?  Obama takes over as interim Pope?

In one of the greatest dismissals of all time, the International Court of Justice, which exists to hear claims pursued by states rather than individuals working on the behalf of bronze-age superheroes said that (quote) “it is not even theoretically possible for us to consider this case.”

Can’t waste time on religion bullshit, when that princess is still kidnapped, and that Bowser guy is still at large.

Kenyan lawyer works to overturn Jesus’ death sentence: http://www.policymic.com/articles/58445/this-kenyan-lawyer-wants-to-sue-italy-and-israel-for-killing-jesus

And from the “plumps when you cook ‘em” file tonight, police in Stevenson Washington arrested a man last Sunday after he decapitated his dog… with a homemade bomb… because it was possessed by the devil.

Here we are – atheist podcasters – basically reverse-publicists for religion.  And they go ahead and start murdering puppies.  We don’t even have to try anymore.  I don’t think there exists a PR gaff worse, than having your institutional fairy tales lead to puppy murder.  I’m gonna say religion and puppy murder one more time.   

Feels good doesn’t it?  The way we get to link those things because crazy people are almost always deeply religious?  Anyway, 45 year old religious puppy murderer Christopher Dillingham was arrested on charges of reckless endangerment and possession of an explosive device last Sunday after strapping a black powder bomb to his labrador retriever and blowing it the fuck up in his backyard at four in the morning.

Bunch of savages.  At least when an atheist murders a puppy with an IED, it’s not for an awful reason like religion.

Dillingham explained to police that his ex-girlfriend had given him the dog after imbuing it with evil spirits.  When police asked why his windows were broken and a bunch of his shit was strewn around the yard, he explained that many of his utensils were also possessed and that purging his cookware of demonic forces was all part of his rapture preparation strategy.

Crazy people are capable of crazy shit like this, regardless of their feelings about Jesus.  

But when sane people start filling crazy people’s heads with shit about impending apocalypses and seven headed dragons rising from the sea, aren’t they at least partially liable for the puppy murder?

I loved that when reporters asked why Dillingham wasn’t facing charges of cruelty to animals the sheriff actually said that such a charge requires proof of the animal suffering and when you blow a dog’s head off, it’s admiring its new collar one second and…

Man blows up family dog because it had devil in it: http://www.christianpost.com/news/man-preparing-for-rapture-blows-up-family-dog-because-it-had-the-devil-in-it-101756/

And finally tonight, in “If that tree wasn’t magic why would it be weeping tears of aphid shit?” news, a group of gullible spunk monkeys in California have managed to convince themselves that a tree outside their church is blessed with holy tears.

They need to bottle that stuff.  It only takes 3 god tears to cure a person of homosexuality, and just a dab on the taint restores anal virginity.

Providing yet another example of the cognitive dissonance that religion can inspire, they’ve managed to maintain that belief despite the fact that the “tears” have been identified as a known phenomenon that is not only common in the area, but common on that fucking street!

Yeah it looks like God might have also been crying on my laptop screen and a sock I wore yesterday.

So according to people with knowledge and shit, what we’re actually dealing with is aphid poop.  The aphids suck out the tree sap and crap out what arborist Jon Reelhorn describes as a “honey-dew excrement”.

How does this so-called “tree expert” know it’s aphid shit?  He’s probably never even read the section of the bible that discusses the fecal form often taken by god’s tears on earth.   

Though it wasn’t mentioned in the article, I’m willing to bet the parishioners are now employing the “space-peanut” defense by claiming that it’s a divine honey-dew excrement.

The Holy Shit defense lacks consistency.  Not as solid as they think.  Hard to digest . . . And a little bit corny, from what I’ve seen.  

People pray to “weeping tree”; tears turn out to be bug excrement: http://www.wptv.com/dpp/news/national/People-pray-at-tree-outside-St-Johns-Cathedral-in-Fresno-California-say-tree-weeps-Gods-tears

That’ll do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Pleasure

And when we come back we’ll be one up on Jesus.

Donation Pitch:

Here at the Scathing Atheist, we know that you could be spending your donation dollars anywhere and sometimes it can be difficult to decide to give them to us.

On the one hand you could support underprivileged people, handicapped by a misfortune of geography and desperate to taste the smallest fraction of the wealth our nation enjoys.  On the other hand you could give it to a couple of middle-income New Yorkers who make fart jokes.

So to help you make the right decision when it comes time to donate your hard earned dollars, Heath and I would like to present our top ten reasons to give your money to us instead of starving kids in Africa.

  • 10 – African kids are awesome at starving to death and who are you to take that away from them?

  • 9 – No matter how you slice it, we’re funnier than starving kids.

  • 8 – AIDS is already an appetite suppressant.

  • 7 – The entire African economy is based on bony kids with flies crawling on them.  How are a bunch of chubby kids going to inspire a coffee a day’s worth of sympathy?

  • 6 – A lot of Africans are Muslims.

  • 5 – These kids live in tribal Africa.  The rent out there is nothing!  It costs $450 a month to park your fucking car in Manhattan.  When’s the last time subway fares went up in the Burundi?  Never?  That’s what I thought.

  • 4 – The swarm of flies around one kid is CGI just for the commercial.

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  • 1 – In the words of the late, great George Carlin, “Fuck the Children”

    • Also in the words of the last few popes.

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Bible Story:

“Run get the young ‘uns folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons Bible Stories for kids”

Today we’re gonna open our bibles up to Genesis and learn all about the first people that god ever made, Adam and Eve.

Adam was god’s finest creation, whom god fashioned in his own image.  And Eve was an afterthought made from a rib when Adam decided bulls, sheep and hamsters were inadequate companions.  And together they lived in the Garden of Eden.

The Garden was a beautiful paradise where the weather was always nice and there was always enough to eat.  There were plenty of delicious fruits to eat, but the very most delicious fruit of them all was the only thing in the whole garden that they weren’t allowed to have, because it would give them knowledge.

God could have made the fruit they weren’t allowed to eat taste really bad or he could have just not put it there at all, but he decided to put the only thing they couldn’t have right there where it would be really, really easy for them to get it.  But they didn’t because god had told them not to.

But then the devil came to them in the form of serpent and he spoke to Eve.  Because, yes, boys and girls, the devil can inhabit snakes and talk to you.  And it’s okay to tell kids that because they would probably have nightmares anyway.

God also could have not made devil snakes or been there when he knew that the devil was tempting Eve, but he decided not to because god is mysterious, so instead he allowed Adam and Eve to disobey him, even though he already knew that they would before they did, because god knows everything.

And when Adam and Eve ate the fruit, they realized that they were naked and they were ashamed of it because people should be ashamed of their bodies no matter what and nakedness is evil.  And it’s okay to tell kids that because they’d probably already have plenty of suicidal thoughts in their teen years anyway.

So Adam and Eve made clothes out of leaves and they hid when they heard god coming because they didn’t want him to see their naughty bits.  So god asked them, “Hey guys, where’s your cock and tits and stuff?”

And Adam told god that he didn’t want god to look at his penis anymore.  So god got really mad.  And it’s okay to tell kids that because the priests would have probably overpowered them even if they weren’t theologically predisposed to letting authority figures see them naked.

And god said “Did you guys eat the fruit I told you not to eat?”

And Adam said, “It was all Eve’s fault” which meant that god wasn’t the only one who wasn’t gonna see her naughty bits for a while.

So god became so angry that he stole the snake’s legs and made it crawl on it’s belly, which is a punishment even though it’s an equally valid method of locomotion that is better suited to the snake’s ecological niche than legs would be.

And god got so mad at Eve that he made childbirth hurt for all animals forever and ever.  And he also kicked them out of the beautiful garden and made them live in a crappier world with hurricanes and earthquakes and disease and stillborn puppies.  And he also cursed every human being who would ever live to carry the sin of Eve.  Because she ate a fruit god told her not to eat.

And nobody ever lived happily ever after again.  Because of a fruit.

The End

Outro:

Before we power down the engines tonight I wanted to apologize to anybody who got the impression last week that we’d changed to an hour long format.  It was an hour long special because of the subject and the divisibility by five but we never actually said that during the show so if you were expecting 30 more minutes at this point, I do apologize.

I also wanted to offer another apology to one of the world’s most important bipeds, Evan.  I was checking back over some notes and I’m almost certain that I forgot to thank him a couple of weeks ago for his generous donation.  I’m really not sure how it happened and how I managed to keep missing it for several weeks, but Evan, thank you, you’re more awesome than almost everybody on earth and I’m really sorry.

And finishing my trifecta of mea culpas is an apology to Mechy from the Autistic Jesus Facebook page who provided last week’s Farnsworth quote and then didn’t get the plug I promised him in return for it.  He’s just getting his page started there but if you can’t get enough godlessness on your Facebook wall, you’ll find a link to his page on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/AutisticJesus

I also need to thank Heath for making this podcast so damn much better than it would otherwise be and I need to thank my beautiful wife Lucinda for doing a bible story this week despite her miserable head cold.

But of course, most of all, I need to thank this week’s most momentous multicellular organisms, Harry, Kevin, Will, Matthew, Richard, other Richard, Anne, Ben, Tyler and Michael.  Harry, Kevin, Richard and Will who are feared by supervillains almost as much as they’re loved by damsels in distress; Other Richard, Anne and Michael who are formidable on their own, but together form the greatest robot warrior in the universe and Matthew, Ben and Tyler, three men with the scientific acumen, the penis girth and the bravery to rape dinosaurs but the willpower not to.  These TEN brave and illustrious examples of humanity proved themselves this week by giving us money.

Of course, not everyone has the tenacity, capacity, veracity and sense of bold personal style required to give us money, but if you think you share Harry, Kevin, Will, Matthew, Richard, other Richard, Anne, Ben, Tyler and Michael’s eleemosynary proclivity, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help us out but only if it’s free, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a sterling review over on the iTunes, adding us to your favorites list on Stitcher, liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, subscribing to us on YouTube and following our blog.  Or doing some combination of those things as you see fit.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

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Episode 21: Partial Transcript

by Noah Lugeons & Heath Enwright

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Hostess’s new brand of Halal, vitamin rich, fast-friendly snackcakes for Muslims, Ramadan-a-Ding Dongs.  These whole-wheat, holy-month, wholly delicious treats are the perfect way to satiate yourself after a long day of needlessly starving yourself at the command of an illiterate, delusional horse-pilot.

Ramadan-a-Ding Dongs, because we really want our own fatwa.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s July 11th, and vaguely spiritual agnostics piss me off too.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from <<<redneck repellent>>> New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode:

  • We’ll discuss a new ass-holistic cure for migraines,

  • We’ll learn exactly how many rape jokes our listeners are willing to tolerate,

  • And we’ll eat whenever the hell we please

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Last weekend Lucinda and I took Heath and his prostitute on a double date to see “This is the End”, which actually did me the favor of not sucking for the $13.50 I dumped on it.  The movie is basically Pineapple Express meets Left Behind.  And if those references don’t do it for you, it’s a movie about Seth Rogan and his buddies smoking pot during the apocalypse.  And it’s a pretty safe bet that if you’ve made it this far into an episode of our show, you’d probably like it.

It consists of a half-dozen Judd Apatow acolytes playing parody versions of themselves at a housewarming party when suddenly the end times cometh, the good Christians ride to heaven on a blue light and the folks leftover (including all the pot-smoking, self-absorbed actors) are tormented by demons and Danny McBride’s sperm.

And as hard as this movie tried to not make you think, I couldn’t help it.  After spending an hour and a half laughing about Jonah Hill’s exorcism scene, I started reflecting on the petty vengeance that underlies so much of modern Christian mythology.

In it’s lightest form it comes across in primetime TV shows where, let’s say, an atheist and a theist team up to fight both crime their mounting sexual tension.  Should they debate the existence of god at some point in the episode, nine times out of ten the atheist will end the episode with some perplexing oddity that may or may not be a sign from god.  After all, how else could that present gotten under the tree or whatever?

Shit like this doesn’t happen in real life because in real life there’s no god, but what does that matter to some hack TV writer?  Why not throw 75% of your audience a bone and end on the “maybe there’s a god after all” cliffhanger?

But in the extreme, it turns into that “torture porn” rapture crap.  The Left Behind, “despite all the evidence to the contrary the nutjobs were right all along”, “everybody but us good Christians gets ass-raped by thorny devil cocks” death-gasm fantasy.

For me, it’s easy to understand the appeal.  It’s gotta be hard for religious people to ignore the way science keeps being right all the time.  Science keeps pushing the boundaries of human knowledge and then they back it up with Large Hadron Colliders and iPads and missions to Pluto and shit.  And the whole time they keeps saying “oh by the way, that god stuff is silly, knock it off”.

Imagine how appealing it must be to step out of that real world where you’re never right and god never sends a sign and step into a dream-world where you’re right and you can rub the scientists faces in just how wrong they’ve been the whole time.

So Christians create these elaborate fantasies where they get the post-mortem last laugh and all of us non-believers that made fun of Jesus and owned them on Twitter have to cower under satan’s forty-five foot lava cock for a couple of months while they get blown by 72 virgins or whatever Christians get instead of that.

The obsession with the apocalypse is a relatively new thing in Christian culture.  Revelations has been there awhile and virtually every Christian from the apostles down thought they were living in the time of the second coming, but this infatuation with the literal 8 headed dragon and hell on earth and the coming of the anti-Christ is distinctly contemporary.

And I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the clearer it becomes that the tenants of Christianity are verifiably false, the more obsessed they get with creating some parallel universe where they can ignore all these damn fact that conflict with their faith.  The end result is that they read about heretics getting tortured and the sinful earth being destroyed as a guilty pleasure.

As disturbing as this is, I think it’s a good sign for the secular movement as a whole.  If kids didn’t get bullied, none of them would dream of being the Hulk.  If kids could spin webs they wouldn’t give a fuck about Spiderman.  If my wife was a pair of six foot Swedish bisexual contortionists I wouldn’t need porn and if God was real you wouldn’t need fictional accounts of his intervention in the affairs of humans.

I like to think of this as one of the most desperate defense mechanisms of Darrel Ray’s God Virus.  Once it loses it’s ability to justify itself intellectually or even fully compartmentalize itself the virus turns to fear in hopes of frightening the mind into submission with images of the inevitable torment and suffering awaiting the non-believers.

And as I reflected on all that I started to wonder about all those Christians who like to threaten atheists with hell.  We laugh at it and mock them for not understanding that one can’t be afraid of something one doesn’t believe in.  But maybe we had it wrong the whole time.  Maybe they were never trying to scare anyone but themselves.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is my brother in blasphemy, Heath Enwright.  Heath, it’s been a while . . . Are you ready to blaspheme in religion’s general direction?

Let’s do it.  In 3, 2, 1 . . .

<<<Jesus swallows!!!>>><<<Fuck Buddha!!!>>>

In our lead story tonight, Pope John Paul the distraction has cleared the last hurdle towards full blown canonization by posthumously miraculously curing a Costa Rican women of a traumatic brain injury.

I heard he also was the guy who posthumously talked to Sarah Palin in a dream, and convinced her not to abort Trig, so really chalk up one more.  I love that kid.  Yeah, Palin had close ties to God and the dead Pope.  You can actually see the Vatican from western Alaska.   

And just to soften the blow of the Trig reference here, these are just the sort of jokes he won’t understand.

This miracle, which boasts the rock-hard credentials of being confirmed by a team of catholic theologians that really, really, really wanted it to be true and have no objective standard, will mark the second time Pope John Paul the sequel has used his magic pontifical death powers to halt a medical affliction.  The first was a nun who prayed over his body and was cured of her Parkinson’s disease.  Which is odd, since Pope Two-Beatles didn’t use his magical Parkinson’s curing powers to cure the Parkinson’s disease that had so recently killed him.

I heard he tried praying over his own body, but he just ended up masturbating.  What he needed to do, was find Rogue from X-Men, and get a ‘dutch rudder’ simul-stroke thing going to cure the Parkinson’s.

And also . . . What an asshole?!?! . . . He’s capable of miracle cures, and he only does it once during his entire life, just so some nun can be better at Jenga.

Often called the “rockstar” Pope by people who are kind of fuzzy on the definition of rockstar, Pope John Pauly Wants a Wafer was, himself a canonizing fool, churning out more saints in his tenure than the previous 800 years worth of popes combined, so it seems only fair that he should set records for the quickest papal canonization.

Pete Rose could cure the Costa Rican woman, cure cancer, get another 3000 hits, and still not get into the Hall of Fame.  And all he did was gamble on himself . . . no associations with institutional pedophilia scandals – consentual or otherwise.  I guess the Hall’s just gotta be a little more selective . . . for reputation management purposes.

Indeed, some have argued that canonizing a guy who presided over the largest pedophilia scandal in human history sort of diminishes the whole saintly image, but proponents of his canonization point out that some woman in Costa Rica was kind of cured of a non-specific ailment for which she also received traditional medical treatment.

What the fuck?!  She got real medicine too?! They didn’t even isolate the- Apparently, they’re allowed to make this shit up after the fact, so why not pick a better example?  Like the Trig Palin  thing.  

Now, there are some cynical atheists with pun-based nicknames that point out that the timing of this latest miracle is pretty auspicious amid the constant barrage of new evidence and allegations about the Vatican money laundering scandal, not to mention the Milwaukee Archdiocese recent involuntary release of thirteen and a half Illiad’s worth of sexual abuse documents, but the major news outlets have dutifully shifted their focus and given Pope Francis with Wolves the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah this is the part where a few people at the top of the shitty failing investment bank know it’s going under, and either lawyer up, flee the country with offshore accounts, or die and get sainted QUICK.

John Paul II (to be) declared a saint: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/05/late-pope-john-paul-ii-to-get-sainthood-vatican-says/

And from the “Drowning-People-Fear-Water” file, the Pew Forum recently released a new poll that showed that nearly half of Americans think that the growth in irreligion is a bad thing.  Of course, the fact that more than half of Americans are religious says a lot about this poll, but instead of focusing on the substantial portion of religious people who think the growth in irreligion makes no difference or is paradoxically a good thing, the media narrative on this one focuses on an admittedly surprising percentage of unaffiliated “nones” who say that the growth in irreligion is a bad thing.

So atheists really love religion.  Their absurdist confusing thesis has grabbed my attention . . .

Atheists have been in Freudian denial this whole time.  We actually LOVE religion.  We want to fuck our religion mother.  When we push religion on the ground, and pull religion’s hair, and do atheist podcasts, we’re not really displaying obvious intellectual superiority, like it seems.  We’re merely engaging in the beginnings of a rough sex ritual.

Not so fast.  As with all these polls, it’s important to draw a line between “unaffiliated” and “atheist”, as many of the “spiritual but not religious” dingbats are being counted along with the true non-believers and recent polls would suggest that they might even make up the majority of that subcategory.

Why the fuck would you count somebody who believes in a non-denominational spiritual being that created the universe, as an atheist in this study, or any other study, or any other use of the word atheist?!

Well, the study itself didn’t use the word atheist.  That was just the media.  But strangely enough, even those people who are quick to point out the difference between a “none” and an “atheist” when polls show non-belief on the rise have been slow to put it together with regards to these data and somehow frame the story as “even atheists know that atheism is a bad thing for society”.

And what we really want, is to have rough sex with nuns.  

To be fair, everyone wants Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

New survey shows half of Americans think growth in irreligion is a “bad” thing:

http://www.pewforum.org/growth-of-the-nonreligious-many-say-trend-is-bad-for-american-society.aspx

And in “What-Does-Fox-News-Have-Their-Panties-In-A-Wad-About-This-Week” news, we bring you the story of a Michigan high school administration that recently had a nice talk with the football coach and reminded him that he can’t lead the team in prayer before the game and he also can’t stand to one side while one of the students leads the team in prayer.

Right, because that would be cheating.  Prayers always work, so if both teams pray, we’d get all ties.  But we don’t get all ties, and again prayers always work, so obviously both teams aren’t allowed to pray.  

For his part, the coach seemed understanding and said afterwards, (quote) “When it comes to discipline, whatever you allow, you encourage.”  The ACLU prompted the move by sending a letter to the school’s administration explaining that pre-game prayers have the potential to alienate students who do not want to participate or single them for not being part of the majority religion.

Here’s where it get’s tricky, from a legal standpoint.  There’s a time honored tradition in Christianity, and in American high school sports, of excluding Muslims and Jews.  If not before a football game, where CAN a Christian exclude these other heathen children?  And it’s not like the turbans, yarmulkes, and NSA surveillance don’t serve to single these kids out already.

What are you talking about?  The NSA doesn’t surveil jews… they just ask their moms.

So the ACLU did the right thing, the school responded in the right way and the coach acted like an adult about it.  It would seem that everyone involved behaved exactly as the first amendment would have them behave.  But at no point in the decision making process did anyone seem to give any thought at all to how this was going to affect the anchors at Fox News.

Yeah, this is a tough one  . . . Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any obvious ways to grossly distort the facts of this story.  Were they able to air a show?

Recognizing that this story would lack the punch to resonate with their audience, Fox News contributor Father Jonathan Morris pretended that the school had banned individual students from praying before or after the game.  He further pretended that the school had banned so-called “Tebowing”, a ritual where you throw the ball into the ground sixteen feet shy of your intended receiver and then blame god.

Oh I thought Tebowing was a term for the kneeling posture used to blow someone while they’re sitting down and Bradying.  It’s part of normal weekly practice for backup QB’s in New England.  You’d be amazed at some of the stuff they catch on hidden camera at Gillette Field.      

Yes, they are known for their hidden cameras.  Student Blaine Stannard also criticized the ban, wondering why the school would prioritize separation of church and state over the outside chance that this change could negatively affect the outcome of a meaningless high school football game.

He must have mistakenly thought this was America.

Michigan high school bans pre-game prayers, Fox News gets panties in a wad over it: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/02/michigan-football-prayer_n_3535414.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in a namaste of execution last week, a California judge ruled that school yoga programs don’t violate the establishment clause.  The ruling was in response to an attempted lawsuit from two parents who argued that because yoga comes from Hindu practices, teaching it in the schools is the same as promoting the Hindu religion.

These parents should be a lot more worried about all the science classes that promote atheism.  And math classes that promote atheism.  And history classes that REALLY promote atheism.  

Right.  The same argument could be used to say that teaching kids about planets promotes astrology, but rather than pointing that out, the judge tossed out the lawsuit citing the incredibly non-religious nature of the yoga program.  Basically, they teach the kids to stretch.

Judge Meyer said, “A reasonable student would not objectively perceive that Encinitas School District yoga does advance or promote religion.”  So I’m guessing the plaintiffs weren’t of the reasonable and objective ilk?  The Christian/Reasonable/Objective shared region seems to be almost nonexistent, almost by definition.   

Several parents objected to the use of Namaste in greeting at the classes and the use of terms for some yoga poses said to represent worship of Hindu deities.  Despite the brazen stupidity of these objections, the program stopped saying Namaste, took down anything that had any Sanskrit and renamed all the objectionable poses with things like “turtle pose” or “criss-crossed applesauce”, but even that wasn’t enough for Christian parents, who fear yoga is a gateway drug to satan.

Well then I probably shouldn’t mention how I was doing downward facing dog the other day, and out of nowhere it turned into gay sex.  Don’t even know where the other dude came from.  Behind, I guess.  I was gonna say from the front, but that’s such an obvious gag…

I’m still straight, but I can’t say the rape didn’t pique my curiosity just a little.  And it’s all thanks to yoga, so . . .

Sometimes you choose a sexual orientation, and sometimes a sexual orientation chooses you … by rape via yoga.  Christian parents beware.    

Make sure you sell the sarcasm there or you’re gonna get subpoenaed for the appeal.  The judge was almost as dismissive of this case as I was, pointing out that the prosecution plucked a lot of their facts from random websites and didn’t seem to care too much about whether they were true.  He even dubbed the case, “trial by Wikipedia” before grabbing the prosecuting attorney’s wrists, pummeling him with his own hands and saying, “Stop hitting yourself.”

“Let the record show that the prosecuting attorney is indeed hitting himself like I said.  Also, though I am throwing out this case . . . it will be noted that we are – as a nation – perhaps only a few toe-touches away from a Hindu theocracy.”

Yoga declared non-religious, ok for California school: http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/07/02/us-usa-yoga-california-idUSBRE96016Y20130702

And turning now to the parts of the world that aren’t America, retired Los Angeles deputy sheriff and current bloviating street-bigot Tony Miano was arrested in front of the centre court complex during Wimbledon for spewing hate-speech about how immoral homosexuality is.

He didn’t get beat up by 90% of the womens tour?  I bet Martina Navratilova could throw some haymakers.  Remember that huge lefty serve?  

Right into this fucker’s testicles, yeah, that would be nice.  She serves and he makes the Serena Williams sound.  I like it.  Miano’s confusion about the first amendment no longer working when you’re not in America was overshadowed, in my mind, by his warning that his arrest presaged the coming of the “thought police”, somehow not understanding that being arrested for what you think is different when you’re shouting what you think to everyone who walks by.

And, if there were thought police like that, that could actually read your mind, they should be arresting people that have hate speech type thoughts going through their head.  Even the quiet ones.  In fact, especially the quiet ones.  Quiet bigots are at least as bad.    

During an interview with police, he was asked if he felt that what he did was 100 percent acceptable in a public place and if he intended to do it again tomorrow.  But since he not getting arrested wouldn’t be newsworthy, he opted for the “When in Rome, fuck Romans” approach and answered in the affirmative to both questions.

I guess the British jail system is a good place for him to learn more about immoral homosexual acts.  Of course I’m speaking of gay prison rape.  

Pastor “arrested” in UK for calling homosexuality a sin: http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/7921672394.html

Speaking of gay-rape, in our final story tonight, we turn to Cape Town South Africa where we confront the age old question “Is it still rape if it cures a migraine?”

See how I set you up so you wouldn’t have to make that difficult segue to rape?  There’s always that awkward moment when you go from ‘no rape’ to ‘rape’.  

Like white people hitting the dance floor.

This is the admittedly horrible story of a 17 year old boy who went to a local pastor to see if there was anything he could do to help him with his headaches.  Recognizing that the potential healing benefits of forcibly penetrating his own rectum with the boy’s erect penis and then forcing him to suck his cock and his man-tits had not yet been fully explored by medical science, the pastor allegedly tried that treatment regimen and the ungrateful kid called it rape.

“I’ve got a headache THIS BIG”

“Well are you hung like that too?  I’ve got an idea . . . “

Pastor Zanokhanyo Mnyukulo, who tried to protect his identity by having such a ridiculously unpronounceable name, argued in court that he was simply involved with a healing ritual and that no sucking of penises transpired.

I was about to ask about that.  The crux of the argument, with respect to the Pastor’s culpability here, seems to come down to whether anybody got their dick sucked, and if so, did anybody swallow?  “If he didn’t spit, you must acquit.”

The pastor was originally arrested on charges of rape but the charge was later reduced to indecent assault.

Well, drawing on my knowledge of the South African judicial system, I don’t think it still counts as rape if you rape your own ass with somebody else’s dick.  From a legal standpoint, it’s more like he tripped and fell, head over exposed asshole over heels, and accidentally raped himself on a nearby erect 17-year-old penis.  Indecent, maybe.  But assault?!?  Aren’t we splitting pubic hairs here?

Yeah, I’m thinking afterwards he re-read the pastor-child-rape manual and facepalmed.  “Oh, my dick in his ass… yeah, that would have been a lot more fun.”

If he had been ass-raping the kid, I could see him claiming the healing benefits of prostate massage.  But I’m pretty sure if you’re the masseuse, and your penis is doing the massage, poking the prostate of a gaypostate can’t help your headache.

It pisses me off that none of the articles I saw mentioned if it cured the headache, though.  I mean, it wouldn’t be my first choice of treatment, but I’ve had headaches where I’d have eventually gotten there.  “Alright, that’s it, this shit is killing me.  Get me a gay South African pastor with man tits.”

Somebody get this man an “anal”-gesic!

Pastor claims sexual abuse was intended to cure victim’s migraines: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/07/05/pastor-claims-he-was-curing-a-boys-headaches-by-sexually-forcing-himself-on-him/

And on that disturbing note, we’ll close out the headlines segment for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

Pleasure as always.

And when we come back, there’ll be more words and shit.

Pitch:

Heath and I wanted to take a minute to respond to a recent review we got on iTunes from Senor Blanco, who said “Brilliant. Donate now so that Noah can give up his day job and fight idiocy full time,” and then backed it up with a donation.  A sage piece of wisdom we wholeheartedly endorse.

In fact, this show and a consenting Anna Kendrick are the only two things I dream of doing full time.

And if we could increase our donations by a scant 2000%, we could make that dream a reality.  But to help you see things Senor Blanco’s way we thought we’d share with you some of the great things that your donation might buy.

So remember, each time someone donates to the show, we’re that much closer to…

  • Daily bonus content,

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  • As many as one extra 30 minute podcast a week,

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  • Improving upon my staple diet of “Kraft parmesan humidity clumps and scotch”.

  • Giving you a drunken blow job you eventually… in fact, if you were doing coke in the northeast between 1997 and 2005, at least one of probably already has.

  • We’d also be even more scathing if we could afford better whores.  Nothing gets the atheist juices flowing like renting an orifice or 3.

But it’s not just about what your money does for us, it’s also about what it does for you.  That’s why we’ve set up a new incentive program for our donors.

  • For example, on every week we make more than $500 in donations, I promise to capture one Mormon with the trap door on my front stoop..

  • And for every individual donation over $500, you will get one used Mormon personal slave.

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If you’d like to help us realize that dream, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Skit:

From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a few minutes to discuss some of the common apologetics used in defense of theism.  Heath, what ecclesiastical contortion do you have for us today?

Today we’ll be talking about one of the ballsiest of apologetics, presuppositionalism.

Gotcha.  So tell me, how does presuppositionalism purport to prove the existence of the divine.

By presupposing that they already have.

You’ve gotta be kidding me.

I wish I was, but it’s really come to that.  The argument goes like this: The bible is the inerrant word of god and Christ is lord.

And?

And what?  That’s the whole thing.

Yeah, but that’s a conclusion, but it’s not an argument.

That’s why they call it “Presuppositionalism”.  You’re presupposing your conclusion to be true.  God exists and he’s the god we think exists and that’s all there is to it.  That’s premise A, premise B and the conclusion all in the same tortilla.

But that’s not how argument works… Hell, that’s not even how thought works.

That’s how a burrito works.

That’s ridiculous nonsense.

Ridiculous?  Yes.  Nonsense?  Yes.  But that’s the beauty of the argument.  It’s too stupid to be wrong.

But it’s not.  I mean it is stupid, but it’s also wrong.  It’s utter horseshit.  It’s an upside down pyramid.  Hell, it’s named after an improper epistemological device.

Exactly.  And you can’t fault presuppositionalism for being presuppositional.  It’s in the name.  It has to be.

But I don’t understand how admitting that your argument is fatally flawed up front bolsters it.

Maybe it would help if you see it in action.  I’ll start with the assertion that the bible is the inerrant word of god.  Go.

Okay… the bible can’t be the inerrant word of god because it’s contradictory.

But your ability to recognize contradiction is derived from god, so by admitting that it’s contradictory, you’re admitting that god exists and, by extension, that the Bible is the inerrant word of god.

But I’m not admitting that in any way.  I’m doing the exact opposite; I’m demonstrating that it’s untrue.  And all you’re doing is putting the cart before the horse.

But we know that horses and carts are created by god, so by even using that metaphor, you’re admitting that god, who also invented metaphors, exists.

That’s not an argument, it’s an assertion.  What you’re doing doesn’t even count as debate.

Well, if that’s true, and you used words to form those sentences and god created both words and sentences…

Okay, I think I see where we’re going here, but I don’t see how it adds up to a defense.  It’s like the argument sketch from Flying Circus.

No it’s not.

Yes it is.  The point of an apologetic is supposed to be to offer a logical reason to assume that a god exists, not just deflect every question by pretending that your conclusion and your premises are interchangeable.

Aha, but that’s the beauty of presuppositionalism.  It’s not designed to prove anything; it’s designed to make you shut up without making me recognize any of the logical flaws in my theology.

So it’s the intellectual equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and threatening to hold your breath until you turn blue.

Well, I don’t know that it’s any more intellectual than that, per se, but it’s far more effective on Twitter and Facebook than the “La-La-La” defense.

But, by employing an apologetic that’s named after a logical fallacy, aren’t you kind of admitting up front that you’re full of shit?

Yes, but only to the person you’re debating… and they already know.  Presuppositionalism is less of a ‘convince you I’m right’ kind of an argument and more of a ‘fuck off and die’ kind of an argument.  

But you can’t just say “I’m right” and pretend that you’ve won a debate.

On the contrary, as presuppositionalism teaches us, you can say any damn thing you want and then pretend any damn thing you want… in any order.  

But that doesn’t make it a valid apologetic.

Valid or not, it’s an effective apologetic.  In fact, the success of presuppositionalism in making atheists walk away with their hands in the air muttering profanities under their breath is unrivaled.

Yeah, but that shouldn’t be the point of an argument.  Shouldn’t you be trying to win the argument rather than just evade it?

Well, sure, but only the side that’s correct can actually win the argument.

Okay, so if their goal isn’t to best us in a logical competition, how should atheists deal with presuppositionalism?

By invoking presuppositionalism, the theist is opening the door to logical-fallacy based arguments.  To level the playing field, the atheist might want to start invoking some fallacy-based arguments of their own.  For example, they could try “False-Dichotomism”.

Which is?

For example, “Well, if the bible’s the inerrant word of god, then why isn’t okay to rape your dog?”  Or perhaps they could try “ad-hominism”.

And I assume that’s where you just tell them to go fuck their mothers.

Precisely.  You can even get creative and offer fallacy combos like “Slippery-Slopism” combined with “Non-Sequiturism” in the form of “Well if the bible’s the inerrant word of god, It won’t be long before there’s nobody left to paint all those turkeys?”… or “Reductio ad Absurdumism” combined with “Straw-Manism” in the form of “Well if the bible’s the inerrant mid-coital exclamations of god, then you must also gargle with eskimo sperm.”

Okay, well… I still think there has to be a better way to convince a presuppositionalist that their logic is flawed.

They already know their logic is flawed.  Again, it’s right there in the name of the argument.  The precepts of presuppositionalism actually state that there is no mutual frame of reference that a presuppositionalist and an atheist can share.  That makes it impossible to defeat them in a way that they recognize.  So once that is established, the only real question that matters is how angry you want to make this asshole before he walks away.

Outro:

Before we reel in the nets tonight, I wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s show.  During the diatribe I was highlighting a few reasons why one should dismiss the nonsensical “Christians Tweet Happier Than Atheists” research out of the University of Illinois and as I was listing all the things wrong with the study, I accidentally said, “poorly constructed” twice in my list.  I meant to say “poorly conducted” the second time but either I misread the page or mistyped it, so my use of “poorly constructed” and “poorly conducted” was either poorly conducted or poorly constructed and for that I apologize.

I also wanted to respond to a dingleberry in Nebraska named Sam who wrote to us to explain the very real threat of hell our souls face for doing this show.  So Sam, on behalf of Heath, Lucinda, myself and everyone you’ve ever said that to, go fuck yourself with an unvarnished plunger handle.

I’d also like to take a few minutes to recognize this week’s most exquisite anthropoids, Eric, Kitty and Chris who proved their prodigious munificence by giving us money.  And not only have their donations purchased the peace of mind that can only be obtained by paying someone to tell God to fuck off, they can also bask in the knowledge that when the zombie apocalypse hits, I will see to their safety personally.

If you, too, would like to insure against death by swarms of the undead, you can earn your place in my zombie resistance protectorate by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage.  And if you’re looking for a way to help without unpinching any of your pennies, you can help us immensely by leaving us a good review on iTunes or listening to us on Stitcher and helping our ranking over there suck less.

I also need to thank Heath for consistently going above and beyond to make this whole thing work, Jesus for taking it like a bitch and lastly, I need to thank Dan from Thank God I’m Atheist for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He and Frank have an excellent podcast out of Salt Lake City and if you haven’t checked it out yet, you’ll be able to correct that oversight with a handy link you’ll find on the shownotes for this episode.

Link: http://www.thankgodimatheist.com/

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but we’ll be back in 168 hours when Lucinda will join us to break down the final book in the Pentateuch.  If you can’t wait that long, you can always check out our erratically published blog, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, like us on Facebook or vomit on Pat Robertson.

If you have question, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 19 – Partial Transcript

June 27, 2013 1 comment

by Noah Lugeons, Heath Enwright & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were removed from the show due to time constraints.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new off-Broadway musical, “Joseph Smith and the Amazing Technicolor Underpants”.  Because Matt Stone and Trey Parker made mad bank lampooning Mormons in a play, why the hell shouldn’t we?

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

In Thursday, It’s June 27th, and sorry about all that money you pissed away accidentally expediting a binding legal ruling in favor of gay marriage, Mormons.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from pizza Mecca, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode:

  • We’ll couch domestic abuse in a bunch of feel-good Jesus talk,

  • A new poll shows that Americans are as dumb as everyone thinks we are,

  • And God will kill an enormous number of people,

But first, the Diatribe…

Diatribe:

When I was 13 years old, my older brother gave me a copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and told me to read it.  I was more of a climb trees, play sports, be sweaty and grass stained kid than a sit still for more than 30 minutes and read stuff kid, but it was short so I gave it a go.

It was the first time I’d seen religion treated with such brazen mockery.  I was already doubting the conflicting messages from my Mormon dad and my Catholic mom, but when I read the Hitchhiker’s Guide I realized that it was okay to just call bullshit on all of it.  After all, this dude wasn’t getting struck by lightening or brimstone and he certainly didn’t seem too worried about hell, so why should I?

And there’s a question that Adams poses in that book that’s been stuck in my craw for two dozen years: “Just who is this god person anyway?”

You’d think that in 5000 years of trying, the Abrahamic faiths would have come up with a concise definition, or, if not concise, at least consistent.  But as we all know, if you ask 20 Christians to define god, you’ll get 20 definitions.  Sure, there’ll be a few commonalities, but it’ll be clear pretty quickly that all these Christians are worshipping a different guy.

And none of them, none of the Christians, none of the Jews and none of the Muslims are worshipping the guy from the bible.  The all-powerful, all-loving, all-knowing, moral, caring, forgiving, judicious, benevolent dude they talk about might make a cameo at some point, but he’s nowhere to be found in the first 4 books.

What’s worse, the guys who wrote the first four books of the bible, or more precisely, the guys who wrote the unrelated, independent sources that would later be woven together to become the first four books of the bible,  also aren’t working from a coherent definition.  Is god the dude who shows up in the Garden of Eden in Genesis or is he the guy that nobody can survive seeing from Exodus?  Or is he the disembodied spirit they talk about in the gospels?

Is he the all-knowing guy from Jeremiah and Acts or if he the bumbling idiot from Genesis and Numbers?  Is he the hard to anger guy they sing about in Exodus or is he the unjust, wrathful bully that was killing people for no reason right before they started singing that shit?

And if he’s all-powerful, why does he need Moses to do everything?

And if he’s all-loving, why is he such an asshole to virtually everyone he encounters?

And if he’s all-knowing, why do people have to keep reminding him of shit?

And if he’s moral why does he champion slavery so damn much?

And if he’s caring why does Moses have to keep talking him out of killing people?

And if he’s forgiving why does he punish kids for their parents crimes?

And if he’s judicious why can’t I find any Amalekites around these days?

And if he’s benevolent why does he have so much blood on his fucking hands?

Of course, these Christians that are so quick define god don’t know what the bible says because they’ve never read it.  If you press them, they’ll often claim that they’ve read “most” of it, but then you start quizzing them and it turns out they don’t know that there’s a talking donkey in the 4th book.  How much could you have possibly read?  It’s the 4th fucking book!  That’s like saying “I’ve seen most of the movie, but I missed all the parts after the opening credits.”

If I believed a book to be inspired by the all-knowing creator of the universe, let alone directly revealed by him, I’d know the damn thing by heart.  But these dingbats, even the “literal word of the bible” folks, can’t be bothered to crack it open.

And I don’t think it’s because they’re too lazy, either.  I’m willing to bet that many if not most of them started it at some point.  And I don’t think they turned away because of the genealogies or the archaic language or the repetition or the bulk.  I think they met their god and he scared them.  I think they turned away because they started to realize that the more they knew about their religion, the harder it would be to believe.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is my pan-racial color commentator who’s therefore allowed to say all the N-words, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to use otherwise-offensive slurs in the proper satirical context while berating believers in the absurd?

Cracka please!!!  Let’s get started.  Which confederate states are violating the first amendment this week?

We’ll get to that, but in our lead story tonight, recent polls show that 34% of Americans would vote for Jesus in 2016.

Another white guy?!?!

Yeah, but he’d be the first Jew.  According to HuffPo columnist and author Fred Rich, a recent YouGov poll had more than a third of Americans answering yes to the question “Would you favor establishing Christianity as the state religion,” with the majority of those saying they would be “strongly” in favor of such a move.

What percentage thought we had already clearly established Christianity as the state religion?

It’s like polling plantation owners on their views about the economic modalities of the southern colonies.  

“De facto segregation ain’t enough.  We need to get this stuff on paper.  Maybe we should make a grand public statement . . . a Proclamation of Demancipation . . . we’ll work on the name.”  

32% favored taking this beyond their individual state and support an amendment to the Constitution that would make Jesus-worship the national religion as well.  So basically a third of our country has seen how well theocracy is working in Saudi Arabia and want a piece of the action.

Strange how closely this number mirrors the percentage of people that identify as evangelical . . .

However most of this group couldn’t spell theocracy, and probably couldn’t find Saudi Arabia on google maps.

As Rich points out in his column, this was a national poll, so the heathens in New England and California were skewing the numbers.  Imagine what a poll like this looks like in just the stupid states.

Poll shows one third of Americans want a theocracy: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/fred-rich/breaking-news-34-of-your-_1_b_3461262.html

And speaking of the stupid states, our next story takes us to Kentucky, where Ken Ham seeks to rekindle the flagging attendance at his Creationism museum by adding… wait for it… zip lines.

After finding that dinosaurs and bullshit weren’t enough to bring in the kiddies, Ham and his knowledge-abhorring cohorts are turning to the time-tested technique of completely unrelated touristy shit like zip lines.

I bet the conservative group within his ultraconservative group are up in arms about this.  Might not go over well with the physicists in the Christian Science Department.  Aren’t there several bible passages that declare gravity an abomination?  

“The Lord didn’t say Let there be heavy – He said Let there be light”

To unveil this new attraction, he invited Kentucky state representatives, Kim King, Bart Rowland, Tim Moore, Tweedle Dee and Foghorn Leghorn for the ribbon cutting, which hopefully involved safety scissors.  Representative King showed just how little she cared about definitions and shit when she posted on Facebook that the (airquote) “museum” was (airquote) “educational”.

These guys are awful at this.  How hard is it to get attendance when nearly everyone in a 5-state radius is brainwashed from birth about the theme of their museum?  

If Mickey Mouse was in the bible, there would be Mini Disney Worlds in every WalMart.  

Kentucky Creationism Museum unveils zip line attraction, complete w/ State reps: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/06/21/kentucky-state-representatives-visit-the-creation-museum/

And from Mickey Mouse to “Mecca-Mouse”, our next story takes us to the middle-east where Dubai will see Kentucky’s stupidity and raise them billions of dollars because Dubai is rollin’.  In a probably-horribly-misguided attempt to combat the nation’s reputation of irreligion, the Dubai General Projects Department recently announced a Qur’an based theme park that will, I’m sure, be every bit as fun as that sounds.

I’m looking forward to “The Ideologue Floom” and “Twin Towers of Terror”

I believe that was our first 9/11 joke.  Well done.

Anyway, Dubai apparently has a “Vegas of the Middle East” reputation that prompted a popular Saudi cleric to order women not to visit the city… because you know how women are about succumbing to temptations of the flesh.

How the women manage not to rape all those burka-less men is beyond me.

But Dubai officials hope they can counter this image by taking the only thing these rabid, undereducated fundamentalists give a fuck about and treating with the culture and sanctity we’ve come to associate with theme parks.

I think Islam is just angry as a whole, not about Western domination, or the Israeli Magic Act of 1948, but about being that 3rd guy out that nobody really cares about.  They’re like Chris Bosh, Graham Nash, and the Green Party all rolled into one sad little box called “worst monotheists ever”.  

Judaism and Christianity get all the attention, and little brother Islam gets ignored again.  Historically, this leads to occasional bouts of radical attention-getting behavior.   

Dubai plans Qu’ran based theme park: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jun/23/quran-theme-park-dubai-religious-pilgrimage

And from the “remind-me-why-they-venerate-the-murder-weapon-again” file, the city of Evansville, Indiana has approved a public art exhibit that will contain no fewer than 2 and a half dozen eight foot crosses all over the city’s waterfront.

Is this one of those avant garde things where the public interacts with the art, and they leave out hammer and nails to see what happens?  Like a social experiment type of thing?

I wish… Unfortunately it’s one of those run-of-the-mill “I love the bible and the constitution almost enough to read them” things.  Recognizing the constitutionally problematic nature of this project, the city insisted that the crosses not be overtly religious crosses, but rather secular crosses.

Sounds like a perfectly secular homage to the lowercase letter T.

City Attorney Ted Zeimer Jr. couldn’t agree more, explaining the rock-solid legal authority of the city to violate the first amendment by pointing out that the United Way was allowed to put up statues in this very same spot once.

So because Evansville, Indiana has a long, proud history of violating the 1st Ammendment, they’re claiming squatters rights to ignore the Bill of Rights.  

Essentially, yes.  Zeimer went on to explain that (quote) “We told them they could not have any writing of any kind on them so they’re statues.  They might be a religious symbol to someone or they might be attractive statues to someone else.”

Yeah without the word Jesus actually written on them, they’re just an interesting demonstration of perpendicularity.  

“If it ain’t a right wing angle, it’s a wrong wing angle.”    

Let’s sell that T-shirt to Newt Gingrich.

City of Evansville, Indiana approved “30 Crosses” public art exhibit: http://www.courierpress.com/news/2013/jun/20/old167/

And moving on to our final story of the night, two weeks ago we talked about a Christian who was obsessed with men spanking their monkeys and this week we’ll turn to some Christians that are obsessed with men spanking their wives.

I’ll keep saying this until it starts happening . . .

How is every womens’ group not also an outspoken atheist group?!?

Well maybe this’ll help: The Christian Domestic Discipline movement’s website goes to great lengths to explain that they’re not a fetish site.  So stop asking, damn it.  They’re not interested in the type of spanking that both of the people involved enjoy, that’s satanic.  They’re interested in the type of spanking where men physically abuse their wives until they do as they’re told… but only if it’s consensual, of course.

Right, because biblically, the women you marry, and the blacks you own, are entitled to similar privileges.  Except the black aren’t guaranteed the consensual part . . . And really neither are the women.

Yeah, God doesn’t do consensual.

We should get down there and hand out some atheist-themed rape whistles.  

Maybe setup some womens’ crisis centers called “Planned Penetration”.  We probably won’t get bombed by evangelicals.

I’d be worried about them discovering and attacking our secret podcast HQ here in New York City, but the atheist trolls at each bridge into the city ask a series of logic riddles that slow-witted theist spies never seem to answer correctly.  

Which is nice, but it fucks traffic on the GW all up.

The CDD Lifestyle also advocates other forms of infantilization and punishments like time-outs, writing sentences like “I won’t disobey my master” and being humbled by (quote) “some sort of nude humiliation”.  But, and I can’t state this enough, this isn’t about being an abusive, misogynistic, felonious, psychopathic, cowardly, demonic piece of shit that should have his head drilled open and his cerebrospinal fluid sucked out by poisonous leeches wrapped in barbed wire because Jesus.

Christian group promotes spanking your wife: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/06/19/spanking-for-jesus-inside-the-unholy-world-of-christian-domestic-discipline.html

And on that mental image, we’ll close out headlines tonight, Heath, thanks again for joining me.

Fantastic time.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to regret suggesting we all read the bible.

Calendar:

It’s time once again from the Atheist Calendar portion of the show.  This is the now monthly portion of the show we set aside to talk up some of the atheist, skeptical and otherwise secular events going on around the country and around the world… only this time just around the country.

On the weekend of July 4th (and for our international listeners, July 4th is the day that Americans celebrate the 4th of July), the Skepchicks will be taking over the Science & Skepticism Track at ConVergance in Minneapolis.  Not sure about the rest of the conference, but the Skepchick part looks awesome.  Rebecca Watson and her team of Skeptical female superheroes team up with PZ Myers which would make for an awesome conference and an even more awesome comic book.

http://skepchickcon.com/

Of course, the big one gears up on the 11th in Vegas.  It’s called The Amazing Meeting, and if you’re listening to this podcast you’ve heard of it, so all I’m gonna say is if you register before the 1st of July it’s $125 cheaper.

http://www.amazingmeeting.com/

But if Vegas is there and you’re here, perhaps you can make it out to SSA East, the other half of the Secular Student Alliances bicoastal conference extravaganza this year.  Except that it’s in Columbus, Ohio, which certainly isn’t coastal.  So if you’re secular and you’re a student, it starts on the 12th and runs through the weekend.

https://secularstudents.org/2013con/columbus

And finally, I wanted to toss out a plug for the CFI’s upcoming leadership conference in Amherst, New York on the weekend of the 25th of July.  If you’re a student and have any plans or aspirations to start a skeptical, secular or freethought group on campus, CFI is a phenomenal resource.

http://www.cfileadership.org/

You’ll find more details about this conference and all the other events I just outlined on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Poem:

NUMBERS IN RHYME

by Noah Lugeons

1 is the number of gods and he gives

2 shits about who gets killed and who lives.

3 times Balaam and his donkey have spats

be-4 god starts talking out of that Midianite’s ass.

 

5 chapter in things get scary for chicks,

6-tuff’s prescribed if they’re getting side-dick.

And 7’s for resting unless you need stones,

To break some stick gathering heathen’s skull and his bones.

 

8 too much Manna? Should you voice your critiques?

God will plague you and kill you, but he’ll send quail for weeks.

And that asi-9 bastard may invoke some damned clause,

To show you what a 10-uous promise that promised land was.

 

11 Tribes conscribe all their fighting age men,

but the 12th tribe (the Levites) just carry the tent.

20 is war-age, but like most things, you’ll notice,

The tribe that’s exempt is the one that has Moses.

 

30 Days mourning when god kills Aaron on high,

Then 40 years waiting for all the bad jews to die.

50 percent of this book we spend bored

Counting jews and the booty they offer the lord.

 

We get a couple of censuses from all of the tribes,

Enumerated offerings are in detail described,

As the name would suggest, the book’s obsessed with amounts,

But no number gets higher than god’s body count:

 

We could start with the animals, who are killed by the score,

Each time the tabernacle opens its doors.

Bulls, rams and donkeys, pigeons and sheep,

And a pile of quails about three cubits deep.

 

Israelites?  Oh yeah, he kills them by the thousand.

He opens the earth and swallows whole houses.

He burns their encampments, sends serpents and plagues,

And what heinous encroachments elicit god’s rage?

 

Being hungry or thirsty, doubting Moses’ clout,

Going to the tabernacle once the candles are out,

Being honest when scouting, gathering sticks,

Complaining to Moses and acting like dicks.

 

Whoring with Moabites, lighting incense all wrong,

Being treated like shit and not just going along;

Thinking manna tastes nasty, being slow to obey

Or living in cities that stand in his way.

 

But it isn’t like God is always a villain;

When he orders Moses to murder all the Midianite children,

He says if they’re virgins and if they behave,

He can spare the young women and keep them as slaves.

Holy Babble:

The Book of Numbers rests between two of the most notorious books in the bible and, perhaps because of that, it doesn’t get as much attention as Leviticus and Deuteronomy.  And sure, Numbers doesn’t have the homophobic flare of Leviticus or the “Thank God the Pentateuche is over” satisfaction of Deuteronomy, but if you were to insert it into any other book ever written, Numbers would almost certainly be the most fucked up portion of that book.

But mostly it’s just a horribly boring book that details one leg of the trip from Sinai to the promised land, punctuated with moments of brutal insanity that might just be there to keep you awake.  Joining Heath and me to discuss this strange little hybrid of bookkeeping and genocide is my beautiful wife Lucinda.  Lucinda welcome back.

I’d say I’m happy to be here, but after reading Numbers, I don’t think god would want me saying that without getting my husband’s permission first. So I’ll just say hi.

Yeah, this is probably the most sexist book we’ve come across yet and we’ll get to all of that.  But first things first.  If the jews are gonna take over the holy land, they’re gonna need an army.

  1. Right, so we start with the original Schindler’s Enlistment.

  • Then they lay out the structure for the Judaism pyramid scheme, or Tetra-Hebron.  

  • “Why are the Levites at the top of the pyramid, considering they already run the IRS?  Because they used all the goat taxes to become job creators.  Somebody has to start the game with the reds and oranges, plus all 4 railroads.”

  1. And on top of that, none of the people in Moses’ tribe have to join the army and when they camp in the wilderness, they get to set up their tents smack in the middle of 11 armies.

  • Would you want rabbis in the front lines of your army?  No, you want badass, Israeli-Commando-type Jews like Adam Sandler . . . Not pale, bearded, shitty drivers that started the Crown Heights Riots by running over a black pedestrian.  

  1. And of course, god needs money to go with his army.

  • Right, so in chapter 3 Aaron loses about 1365 shekels in a card game, and sets up the most ridiculous, elaborate, nonsensical story to get the money back, from his flock of ancient nomadic tribes that apparently all carry reasonable amounts of fungible hard currency at all times.  

  • “So technically, 273 extra babies that should have been righteously murdered.

  • Which sounds a lot like an endorsement for abortion.

  • No it’s not abortion right after birth – that’s just righteous murder.  

  • “What had happened is, God was gonna kill all your kids, but me and my family of 22,000 agreed to live a life of purported divine privilege, in exchange for saving them.  But you all had 22,273 firstborn children, so God’s gonna need 5 shekels apiece for the accounting discrepancy.  Us Levites will collect the cash here and write God a check.”        

  1. Then we get god’s overly-elaborate Tabernacle relocation strategy.  Basically he spends chapter four channeling a foul-tempered old lady with alzheimer’s bitching at the moving guys.

    1. “I said wrap it in blue cloth!  No, I want the Gershonites to carry the curtains!  And careful with those lamps or I’ll incinerate you with fireballs!”

  2. And then we get started with the sexism.  In chapter five we learn how to tell the if your wife’s been fuckin’ the goat-milkman using nothing but some dirty water, a handful of flour and misogyny.

  • The old grain offering dirty water miscarriage trick.  Seems like this was just a way for dudes to save face when they had a slutty wife.  Having her drink dirty water might make her sick, but I’m fairly certain it’s never led to an instantaneous immaculate hysterectomy.  So every time they do the ceremony, the dude doesn’t look like an asshole, because his wife’s womb doesn’t fall out on the spot.  

  • Yeah, I was expecting them to break out a scale and a duck at any moment.  

  1. Then we get the rules for the vow of the nazirites, which is spelled “Nazi Rites” which kind of fucks me up in the middle of a Jew book.

  2. In chapter 7 God shamelessly ups the word count by spelling out the exact same 90 word sacrifice 12 fucking times!

  3. The Levites shave all their hair and pubes and become elevated in the eyes of the Lord.

  4. In chapter 9 we learn that god’s a cloud and don’t forget that Passover’s coming up.

  5. Then god adds a brass section and they’re ready to go conquer the promised land.

  • If I’m being a stickler, God should have asked for brass, plated with silver, if he wanted a fuller timbre for those trumpets . . . Nobody’s perfect.  

  1. As soon as they hit the road, the Jews start bitching because they don’t like Manna and they want some meat.

  • Couldn’t god have solved the meat-shortage by not demanding so damn many sacrifices?

  • Sure, but I guess this was supposed to be some grand punishment for not appreciating the triscuit rain, but not too impressive.

  • “Hey, do you guys have a 3-foot-tall pile of quail in your yard?  Ok, I guess since we’re NOMADIC, we just eat a bunch now . . . maybe not so much that quail actually oozes out of my nostrils, but a lot . . . and then start heading toward the next place on Moses’s desert obstacle course.”
  • Yeah what the fuck was he trying to say there?  Did angels force feed their asses like Kevin Spacey’s character in Se7en.

  • And God was like, “Shit, yeah that doesn’t smite them much at all-AND PLAGUE!!! I said the quail thing AND PLAGUE!!! Nobody heard me, but I had said “and plague” at the end as I trailed off.”      

  1. In chapter 12, Aaron and his wife talk shit about Moses so god makes her a leper for a week.

  • And when Moses asks God to go easy on her so she doesn’t turn out like a stillborn baby with it’s flesh half eaten off, he justifies making her skin rot off by saying, “If her father spit in her face, would she not be shamed for 7 days?”  Oh, well when you put it that way…

  1. Next we meet Double “O” Shiv’a scouting out the promised land and they say that all the people already living there are too strong for all the quail engorged Israelites to displace.

  2. And then God throws one of his patented temper tantrums and kills pretty much everybody for bitching too much.  He curses their children, he sends a plague, he marched an army out to die.  

  • And as if that’s not enough, he “unpromises” the promised land to everybody but Joshua and Caleb.

  • Yeah, it’s the part of the act where the hypnotist removes all the free-thinking non-sheep from the stage, leaving only the blindly faithful idiots who are truly qualified for Judaism.  

  1. And then in chapter 15, right in the middle of some proper goat-killing etiquette, we learn that Moses and the gang find a guy picking up sticks on the Sabbath so god commands them to stone him to death.  

  • And in a whiplash inducing subject change, in the next verse after the stoning, God reminds them that he likes fringes on the outfits, so don’t forget to add fringes.

  • “So seriously, it may sound somewhat contradictory, but no faggots on Saturday, and tassles for everyone!!!  Also, lest ye forget, I’m fucking God.”  

  1. Then we get a weird little mutiny.  Some other Levites challenge Moses’ leadership so he challenges them to an incense burning match to the death.  

  • “What?!?  I’m not clearly high priest because of actually talking directly to God?!?  Take out your censers bitches . . . I’ll outsmoke anyone.”

  • “Bitch, you light incense like Michael J. Fox on meth!  You call that a grain offering?  I’ve got more fiber in my stools.”

  • So God goes fucking nuts, opens the earth to swallow whole families along with their slaves and furnishings, he burns 250 people alive and then he kills fourteen thousand more with a plague.

  • And I must say, god is a total badass about it.  He says “Moses, step away from those dudes.”  And Moses says “Why?”  And God says, “So I can burn them to death with giant fireballs.”

  • Right… so why they didn’t all just stand really close to Moses is beyond me.

  1. Anyway, just in case the house swallowing, fireball chucking, plague sending message wasn’t clear enough, God also has Moses write everybody’s name on a stick and only Aaron’s stick grows flowers.

  2. In chapter 18 we reinforce the “the priests get all the best shit” motif.

  3. And in 19 we kill cows and we don’t touch dead people.

  4. In chapter 20 God kills Moses’ brother for expressing a slight hint of doubt.  And in the serial-killer-fashion I’ve learned to expect from deities, he doesn’t just plain murder Aaron, he makes his son watch his naked father die, and then walk back down the mountain wearing his murdered dad’s clothes.   

  5. Then God continues to be an asshole and sends a bunch of poisonous serpents to get the Jews to stop bitching… then finally Moses goes on the warpath and starts killing some motherfuckers.

  6. And then in chapter 22 there was some kind of biblical writer’s strike so they had the folks from Disney step in for a few chapters, because all of a sudden everybody’s breaking into song and there’s a talking donkey.

  • And didn’t Balaam seem strangely nonplussed by it?  He just carried on a conversation with his donkey like it was nothing.

  • Well he thought he was speaking to god earlier, so a talking donkey is far more plausible.

  1. So basically the story here is that Balak is trying to get Balaam to go to war against the Israelites, but Balaam knows god’s on their side so he spends a couple chapters refusing… in song.

  2. ^^

  3. ^^

  4. Then we get another census because, holy shit, it’s been almost twenty two chapters since we counted all the jews.

  • Well God had killed a lot of them since then.

  1. Then we spend 3 chapters going over old shit, but we do finally learn what we’ve suspected all along; God’s been cheating on Moses with Joshua.

  2. ^^

  3. ^^

  4. In chapter 30 we learn the difference between man vows (must be kept) and women vows (must be kept unless a man says so)

  • Yeah, just in case the “women are inferior to men” thing wasn’t clear by now, God hammers it home one more time.

  1. Then they go to war with the Midianites and slaughter them.  All the men of fighting age are killed.  Moses is furious… because they failed to kill the women and children.  

  • “I’m not getting God to divinely inspire our army, for you guys to not fully murder, pillage, and rape everyone.  I’ve gotta be a stickler on this, or my boss yells at me and he’s always watching.  You either murder them . . . or you rape them . . . or both in either order . . . Understood?”

  • Easily the most disturbing moment in the narrative so far.

  1. Then, thanks to the cattle-rustlin’ Reubenites and Gadites, Jews start a long and storied tradition of building settlements in other people’s land.

  2. Then we get a chapter that rehashes every spot where they camped for the last 40 years.

  • Riveting.

  1. Then they divvy up the promised land (before actually possessing it)

  • The first use of short selling.

  1. God takes a minute to spell out exactly what is and isn’t “murder”.  And can I just say, I love the whole “city of refuge idea”…  we should totally bring that back

  • It would make a great setting for a Nicolas Cage movie.

  1. And we finish with a soft close concerning inheritances and marriage.

So what do we learn in Numbers?  We learn, first of all, that God’s a wrathful, vengeful, abhorrent, petty tyrant.

  • Well . . . we re-learn.

  • We learn that women are worthless

  • we learn that donkeys can talk, we learn that genocide is a-okay

And we learn that anybody who read the first four books of the Bible and didn’t become an atheist needs to work on their reading comprehension skills.

So Heath, Lucinda, thanks for suffering through this with me.

We’ll take a couple weeks off of the Holy Babble, but we’ll all meet back here to break down Deuteronomy in episode 22 for those of you playing along at home.

Outro:

Before we shut off the lights tonight I wanted to respond to a slight criticism recently posted in an otherwise extremely complimentary review.  Mr “Something Clever About God” appreciates the toilet humor, the 30 minute format and overall production quality, but offers the following critique:

“The commentary is more ‘witty’ than ‘laugh out loud funny’, so Heath and Noah could use more snickers and less belly laughs”

First of all, thanks for the rating, but I do want to take issue with that minor objection.  Every laugh you hear on this show is genuine and Heath and I would never pretend to laugh at one another’s material and we certainly wouldn’t laugh at jokes that we wrote for the other guy and we certainly wouldn’t cut and paste genuine laughs and drop them into the audio later and I’m certainly not lying right now and it’s certainly not obvious.

We also need to take a few seconds to recognize this week’s most vivacious, tenacious, loquacious, sagacious, perspicacious, papilionaceous, gracious, curvaceous and hellacious people, Benjamin and David, who proved themselves worthy of the kind of praise that can only be fully expressed by Googling “words that end in A-C-I-O-U-S, removing the ones that are insulting and then adding a really obscure term for “butterfly like” by giving us money.

Only the most intelligent and sexually virile specimens of human excellence have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you can live up to my verbose laudations, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you love the show but you lost all your money betting on Scotus outcomes, you can still help out by telling a friend about the show or leaving us a glowing 5-star review on iTunes.  I should point out that as of this recording we have 68 reviews so there’s still time to be the sexually significant 69th reviewer if you’re into that sort of thing.

I need to thank Heath and Lucinda for joining me tonight and Remy G for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  This is normally the part where I’d tell you that you should check out his awesome Facebook page called “Fuck Your Fucking God, You Ignorant Blinded Dumb Fuck”, which totally makes this podcast sound PG and had an awesome avatar of a nude Jesus giving you this “Hey baby, I’ve got enough orifices for everyone” look, but I can’t because Facebook is run by a bunch of cowardly pube-waxing assholes who took down his page because religious people have fragile feelings and his words make them cry.

So since they won’t let him say it, I’ll say it, “Hey religious assholes on Facebook, fuck your fucking god, you ignorant, blinded dumb fuck.”

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  If you can’t wait that long, you could always check out our erratically published blog and like (slash) subscribe (slash) follow us on Facebook (slash) YouTube (slash) Twitter.  You can also find our archives at Scathing Atheist (dot) com or you can help us bump up our Stitcher ranking by downloading the Stitcher App and listening to us there.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.