Episode 42 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Warning, this podcast contains explicit language and obscure SAT words.
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And now, the Scathing Atheist…
It’s December 5th,
And non-sequiturs have NO rules!!!
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from mostly harmless New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode
New Mexico offers a 90-day return policy if your god is broken,
We’ll bring a towel,
And Kansas City finds a way to escape the Matrix and get to Zion.
But first, the diatribe…
So I was watching football last week, and no, you limey bastards, I don’t mean soccer. Clearly the word “football” belongs to the people who hijacked it for a game where kicking the ball is against the rules in almost every situation, despite the nearly global agreement to the contrary, led by the people who both coined the term and invented the language it was coined in. Because America, damn it. And sometimes Canada, damn it, too.
And speaking of damn it, damn it if the postgame interviews weren’t brought to you by Jesus. And Subway.
Some reporter is interviewing the paragon of intellectualism that stuffed the run on 4th down and ended the game and in response to the question; “Do you have to play the run differently when you’re dealing with a mobile quarterback?” This nincompoop prefaces his answer with “First of all, I want to thank Jesus Christ; it all starts with him.”
Yeah, run-blitzing starts with Jesus. Because how the fuck are you supposed to wrap up a tackle if nobody had died for your sins? And wasn’t it Christ the savior stuffing the A gap and forcing the runner inside? No? That was a real human that exists? Then fuck you and answer the question you blathering neanderthal. Nobody tuned into the broadcast this afternoon saying, “Boy, I hope we get some sage-like theological nuggets from the nose guard once this is over.” Your a linebacker. We don’t even want to hear you talk about football, let alone your lord and savior, baby Jesus.
This stuff pisses me off and not just for the obvious reason that it only goes one way. As Carlin points out, you never hear “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage”. Except for Bills Wideout Stevie Johnson who once lamented over a dropped ball that cost his team a game by Tweeting, “I praise you 24/7 and this is how you do me!!!”
And beyond that, there’s the implication that god loves you more than the other team. When future hall of famer and probably murderer Ray Lewis talked to the media after last year’s Superbowl, he actually said, “If god is for you, who can be against you?” Implying that god personally decided that the Ravens would win and, in a roundabout way, that the 49ers are the minions of the devil.
And if that’s not enough, consider the insult to everybody who actually did something. Think about how many people directly impacted the team’s victory more than Jesus. He could have thanked his teammates, his coaches, his trainers, his mom, his fluffer… all of those people deserve the thanks more than some nomadic Jewish felon from the iron age.
But more than all of that; more than the selective application, the egocentrism and the corporeal snubbing, what pisses me off most when I hear these impromptu benedictions is that the Jesus-groupies have no idea that they’re being assholes. And even after that extensive but not exhaustive list of why it pisses me off, plenty of Christians would hear this diatribe and say “He’s just expressing his opinion! Why shouldn’t he be allowed to express his views? Why, Noah, you’re allowed to express your views every week on this podcast. Doesn’t he deserve the same liberty?”
No and fuck you rhetorical voice of opposition. It’s just another special privilege that religion gets and nothing else gets. If he wants to start a Christian podcast or thank Jesus at his church I’m not gonna bitch about it… as much. But we were talking about football and all of a sudden we’re on to the lord almighty.
Can you imagine if people were like that about their political views or… anything else at all? Some sideline reporter says, “How does this win affect your playoff chances?” and somebody says, “First of all, I just want to say that embryos aren’t babies, it all starts with that,” or “Before I answer that, I just want to thank Xena for all the erections,” or “Well, it all starts with the fact that the X-Men would fuck the Avengers up in a fight” I don’t care if I agree with what you’re saying or not, you’re still being an asshole. We’re not talking about politics or comics or warrior princesses or god-damned god, we’re talking about football.
But they don’t see it that way. They think they’re doing a good thing. They think they’re being humble and most of the people who hear it think the same thing. They ignore all the theological implication of a god who answers mid-third quarter prayers from millionaire athletes and ignores the kids with cancer and the people who had money on the other team. Something good happened, so it was Jesus. Thanks Jesus!
But I’m willing to bet they’d recognize the problem damn quick if he’d said, “I just want to thank Allah for being the real god” or even something like “I’d just like to thank Darwinian evolution for the genetic mutations that made me six foot eight, 330 pounds and able to withstand bovine doses of steroids.”
And besides, football has already disproven the existence of god. Just ask Tebow.
Joining me for headlines tonight is my equally atheistic about ancient Japanese gods co-host, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to blaspheme against Fujin, Shinto god of the wind?
Love these opening segments. I feel like an atheist with Tourette’s. Fuck Fujin, Shinto god of the wind. Fuck him and the Akabeko he rode in on.
Well done. In our lead story tonight the American Civil Liberties Union has filed a lawsuit against the US Conference of Catholic Bishops for the offence of owning hospitals while being a group of callous, misogynistic cock-warts.
Hospitals 101: Doctors should avoid cock-warts, and related calluses.
The lawsuit centers around the medical mistreatment of one Tamesha Means by the Catholic owned “Mercy Health Muskegon Hospital” back in 2010 and the story is almost fucked up enough to be Irish. Means made several trips to the emergency room due to complications in an 18 week pregnancy and, of course, medical procedure and human decency would suggest that the doctors should inform her that unless she terminated the pregnancy she was risking permanent damage, her own survival and, by the way, the baby would almost certainly not survive. But medical procedure and human decency were, in this case, trumped by Catholic doctrine.
Did they at least offer her the option of paying more for a real doctor, with a second opinion about maybe avoiding the double-murder scenario?!?
No and they didn’t have to because until now, no lawsuit has successfully challenged the deplorably insane concept of having men trained in nothing but superstition and bullshit setting medical policy. With 13 percent of American Hospitals already owned by Catholic organizations and more being gobbled up all the time, many have accused the Catholic church of trying to circumvent the laws they don’t like by taking over the medical industry, and in case I’m wrong about that, “Hello! They’re trying to circumvent the laws they don’t like by taking over the medical industry!” There. Now I’m right.
I’d be willing to allow the existence of Catholic hospitals like this, as long as they have a huge surgeon general’s cigarette warning on the building, and also doctors get to rewrite the Bible.
ACLU sues Catholicism for owning hospitals while being heartless pricks: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory/aclu-sues-us-bishops-catholic-hospital-ethics-21074634
And in “Holy Craps Free Roll” news, Sagebrush Community Church of Albuquerque, New Mexico is offering a 90-day risk-free trial on their wishing well service. If you wager 10% of your paycheck as tithing, and God fails to answer your prayers during that quarter, you can request your money back, as long as you’re willing to literally take it from the collection plate held by the poor kid that would otherwise get the money.
God: As trustworthy as the slap-chop and the Turbie-Twist. Somehow that still doesn’t quite do it for me.
Here’s how the guy explained it to me, before trying to sell me a timeshare in Vegas: (quote) “That’s right, if you’re willing to pay up front, we’ll let you pray for free!!! If anything good happens like not dying, that was us, and we keep the money. If you die, that was also us, sending you to heaven, and we keep the money. In all other circumstances, we’ll issue a refund.” (end quote) So it’s basically after-life insurance, that pays off if you go to hell.
And there’s probably eternal lifetime limits, or they’ll say you were damned before you started tithing or something.
Albuquerque church offers refunds if the god you buy is broken: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/30/church-offers-a-90-day-money-back-guarantee-to-tithers-if-god-doesnt-reward-them/
And in “It’s Only Okay If I Fart in the Elevator” news tonight, Christians are incensed about a plaque that is now hanging on the walls of the Illinois Capitol Building courtesy of the Freedom From Religion Foundation. The plaque reads, in its entirety:
At this season of THE WINTER SOLSTICE may reason prevail.
There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell.
There is only our natural world.
Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.
Wow that’s WAY more tame than the atheist plaque we proposed.
Yeah, apparently they wouldn’t allow one made entirely of human fecal matter either. FFRF Co-President Annie Laurie Gaylor explained that prosthelytizing atheism in a courthouse wasn’t exactly their goal. (quote) “We don’t think that religion, or irreligion, belong at the seat of the state government. But if religious displays are going up in state capitols, then our display representing the freethought point of view will be there, too.”
And incredulous religious people aren’t even aware that their anger proves our point … If religion thinks they can fart in the elevator, atheists are gonna take it a step further, and give them a dirty sanchez. For the uninitiated, I’m describing a shit mustache.
Which would not be the rudest behavior I’ve ever seen on a New York elevator. While some atheists have complained that the plaque is too strongly worded, though others have complained that it isn’t made out of fecal matter with the words “Fuck Jesus” printed in 666 point type.
FFRF places atheist plaque in Illinois Capitol building: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/01/atheist-sign-goes-up-in-illinois-capitol-building/
And in “Glory Hole-llelujah” news, Kansas City residents are flocking to public phone-prayer booths, complete with a kneeler bar, where they can comfortably and discreetly say prayers, blow God, and get wishes granted.
We’re in for a lot of cocksucking jokes, aren’t we?
Saw that coming?
No, I closed my eyes just in time.
The city originally planned to buy everyone a magic lamp . . . but there was the big genie strike, and it went over-budget. Realizing how ridiculous the lamp thing was, they installed the God Phones as a more realistic alternative.
It’s like the mailbox for Santa letters, only instead of cute, it’s tragic. They even have the little prayer hands on the side of them so you know you’re surrounded by stupid even if nobody’s in the act of immaculate felatio at that moment.
There’s a disclaimer, warning that although not required, (quote) “Religious actions may take place within these prayer booths.” They also mention that (quote) “Improper use will result in a penalty or fine.” So no trickery . . . No praying for more prayers. And secular hope is technically permitted, but highly frowned upon.
Although if you have a note from your Wiccan high priestess, I’m sure you could get away with beating off in one of those things.
One KC resident – and avid Chiefs fan – prayed for a Peyton Manning ankle injury in week 13. Instead, it turned out he was NOT physically injured by her phone call, he put up 403 yards, 5 touchdowns, and led the Broncos to a win. So results may vary … to include complete failure. If she really wanted the Chiefs to win, she probably needed to swallow.
Okay, that’s only five and a half pole-smoking jokes so far. I don’t think we’ve quite drained all the on-your-knees for Jesus, cum-guzzling potential out of this story yet.
No we haven’t. And we strive for every last drop. So according to an ad campaign by the new phone company: “God’s hung like Dr. Manhattan: Big, blue, and everywhere.” And speaking of too much blue tooth, it’s possible the Chiefs fan didn’t read the instructions. That’s right, the blowjob prayer phone . . . has instructions. Instruction Number 1: “No Blue Tooth, and Cradle Ma Bells.” So right there . . . And Instruction Number 2 (no pun intended): “Feel free to put your mouth on both ends of the receiver.”
Kansas town adds “prayer booths” to “call god”: http://topekasnews.com/kansas-town-installs-phone-prayer-booths-residents-can-call-god-whenever-need/
Quota achieved. Well handled. And in Strategic Gay-Bashing news tonight, Cardinal Timothy Dolan’s consolin’ the colon patrolin’ souls in his folds but he scolds them and holds that the souls with their poles in dude’s holes aren’t controlled because his goals were outsold. And if you were lost in the rhythm there, I he said that Catholics were “out-marketed” on the gay marriage issue.
They weren’t OUT-marketed. They were marketed . . . correctly . . . for free. Gays haven’t been left wondering what the Catholics have to say about the cosmic risks of misusing the word “marriage”.
Yeah, I think he’s wrong here, but it’s fair to say that as a whole, they’re getting their vatic-asses handed to them in the marketing department. They’re still reeling from the “institutionally butt raping children for generations” kerfuffle after finally getting over the “Conspiring with the Nazis” faux pas. It’s clear to me that the Catholic Church is, indeed, in need of a new PR department. Hell, when you can’t sell your bigotry in America, you’ve gotta be phoning it in.
Well they could stop raping kids, abetting holocausts, and hating gays. But I suppose a new marketing solution makes the more sense. If only there was something that was worth a thousand homophobic slur words.
And that’s why good bigots need good logos. Swastikas, burning crosses, the word “Fags” with the ghostbusters symbol over it… these have all proven effective in the past. The skinheads need something to tattoo on their faces and Leviticus 18:22 is too long for a prison tat.
Nothing says the N-word, the K-word, the F-word, the D-word, the sword, the T-word, the TR-word, the TH-word, and the Z-word, better than bigoted graphic design.
Cardinal Dolan: Catholics were “Out Marketed” on gay marriage: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/29/catholics-outmarketed-on-gay-marriage-cardinal-dolan-says/
And from the “Young Man-Slaughter” file, after God demonstrated his existence by allowing an infant to sustain traumatic brain injuries during a car crash in St. Petersburg, Russia, the confident theist parents rushed their bleeding baby to an emergency baptism. Unfortunately, the priest – despite being a talented holistic brain surgeon – was unable to revive the child, as the only water available on short notice was normal secular di-hydrogen oxide.
So what, are you saying the homeopathic medicine didn’t work either? And did he even rebuke the demon of brain trauma? Pat Robertson would have rebuked the demon of brain trauma.
After doing some extensive research, Russian authorities confirmed the existence of several medical doctors in the St. Petersburg area, and will prosecute the parents. When asked why they didn’t head straight for a hospital, the infanticidal maniacs explained how they were on the way to get a new brain from a scarecrow, but the Yellow Brick Road was jammed with rush hour traffic.
And in the minds of the parents they did the more important thing. If he might have died either way, at least this way Jew-god-cum-Christian-god wouldn’t burn him in hell forever as he is wont to do with unmoisturized babies. The only silver lining in this story is that the baby didn’t live long enough for the priest to rape him.
That would be a 50 shekel silver lining?
Russian parents jailed after choosing baptism over hospital for post car-crash infant: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/11/29/baby-dies-after-parents-trade-hospital-for-church-after-crash
And in “If it works for Chia-Pet, it work for Jesus” news tonight, a Pennsylvania church is showing off the marketing savvy that Catholicism sorely lacks. In an effort to appeal to their core audience of stupid rednecks that are easily entertained and don’t go in for all that critical thinkin’ shit, they’ve announced an upcoming “Duck Dynasty” themed all-camouflage service.
Not sure how much more redneckitude them can cram into their clown car. This is a Catholic service in northwest Pennsylvania, so I imagine lots of parishioners will continue wearing the same camo tuxedo they had already been wearing every week.
Fictional church representative Jim Bob Leghorn explained (quote) “Well, we figgered what with the folks watchin’ that on the TV and us all havin’ our huntin’ gear and what-not, we might as well go a-huntin’ for some Jesus.”
Sounds like they aren’t aware that camo doesn’t work unless you paint the whole church interior camo too. The atheist swat team snipers are gonna pick them off way too easily.
And if you think about it, it makes sense to have these dress up days at church. You could have “Star Wars Service” or “Dress as yer favert NASCAR Driver Day”… I don’t know, “aborted fetus Wednesdays”? It’s all about filling those pews. And who doesn’t love dress up?
Every NASCAR driver looks the same to me . . . Like Jane Lynch with a mustache. With the track suit … and the mullet.
Pennsylvania church to attract with Duck Dynasty inspired “camo” service: http://www.christianpost.com/news/penn-church-targets-duck-dynasty-fans-hunters-with-camo-sunday-service-109919/
And from the “More embarrassing than Benghazi” file, the United States may have diminished Catholic God from all-powerful to mildly-powerful by relocating it’s Vatican City embassy to atheist Italy. Praying to Jesus was already working not at all, and Catholics everywhere are worried this embassy debacle could make those numbers even worse.
Or, the crazy right wing zealots who fail to recognize that the new embassy is actually gonna be closer to the actual Vatican than the old embassy and instead of maintaining two embassies we’re just consolidating two into one building… it’s not like we actually stopped pretending that this one city is a whole country all by itself because the reincarnation of Jesus lives there.
The other side of the story comes from American Ambassadors to the Holy See, who are relieved to be relieved of their impossibly awkward job. How many ways can you diplomatically ask someone, “Are you guys SURE . . . that you’re not a multi-national pedophilia conglomerate, involved in an elaborate sinister cover-up?!?”
Considering how infrequently we hear about sexual abuse in the church, this is a rare opportunity. Do we have time for some embassy pedophilia slang?
This is the Scathing Atheist! We’ll cut relevant information from another story if we have to. 30 seconds on the clock. Diplomatic child rape euphemisms. GO!!!
Visiting Pope Fran-dusky’s Happy Valley
How have I missed Fran-dusky all this time!? Damn it… wait, um… what’s the one they actually use? “Coming onto the children”… Yeah, that’s too direct. How about Spicing up confession?
Delivering Pee Wee’s Sermon on the Mount
Playing a game of “Kansas Prayer Booth”
Happy Meals in the Rectory
Taking the lord’s name and vein.
Wading Balls Deep in the Shallow End
Oh, I’ve got one… A Catholic Youth Retreat… and then advance… and then retreat.. and then advance…
Bang Cocks with Youth in Asia? Bang Cocks in Asia Minor? … Quaalude Prelude in A Flat Minor
Dipping your body of christ in milk?
Box Seats for Little Orphan Fanny … And I’d like to add that this gay pun’ll come out, tomorrow at 8am?
Bet your bottom dollar… which is my response to you and my last diplomatic child-rape euphemism.
America removes embassy from Vatican city: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/27/vatican-knocks-down-controversy-over-u-s-embassy-move/
But to make the 8 o’clock release happen, we’ll have to close out the headlines there. Heath, thanks as always for your wit and wisdom.
And when we come back, we’ll make more jokes about dicks.
It’s time once again to look into the perplexing plethora of pious commemorations from around the world in a segment we call “How the Hell is this a Holiday?”
Tonight, Noah and I will be answering the ten most commonly asked questions about the Jewish festival of diligent lamp oil, Hanukkah.
Question One: What does the word Hanukkah mean?
While it’s often referred to as “The Festival of Lights”, the word actually means “To Dedicate”… sort of. But who the fuck really knows when it comes to Jew words? After reading the first few “historical” books of their bible I’m even doubting what they say about etymology.
Question Two: What does Hanukkah commemorate?
It commemorates the re-dedication of the Holy Temple after the Maccabean revolt in the 2nd century BCE, when a flask that only had enough oil for one day miraculously kept burning for eight days, which was just long enough to make more magical Jew oil.
Question Three: Seriously? That’s it?
That’s Hanukkah in a nutshell.
Question Four: How do Jews celebrate Hanukkah?
They light eight lights and other than that they just pretty much make it up as they go along. They’ll do some family shit, pray a little. You know… have a Hanukkah dinner, buy a gift maybe. Whatever. For eight days.
Question Five: Seriously? That’s it?
Look, you’re lucky they aren’t living in huts and waving palm fronds around. We’re celebrating the longevity of kosher lard. What the hell do you want?
Question Six: Well if the holiday is that lame, why does everybody make such a big deal about it?
It was forced into prominence because of Hanukkah’s proximity to Christmas. Jewish parents couldn’t otherwise buy expensive sneakers for their middle school kids during the month of December. And that would make them falsely appear less athletic.
Question Seven: But… it happened at Thanksgiving. How the hell is that close to Christmas?
Yeah the Jew calendar and the Gregorian calendar don’t line up so Hanukkah can fall anywhere from late November to late December, which spans the latter third of what advertisers call “The Christmas Season”. Interestingly enough, Thanksgiving and Hanukkah are done coinciding altogether for another 70,000 years plus.
Using the word “interestingly” a little loosely…
Question Eight: So what’s the deal with the dreidel?
You have to spin the dreidel when Hanukkah starts. If it falls, it means you’re in the real world, but if it keeps spinning it means you’re dreaming about less shitty holidays.
Question Nine: I know this is a big off topic, but why don’t Jews tip?
Great non-Hanukkah question. It turns out that half of them offered a tip once at 8 days old and that didn’t work out so well for them, so they’re hesitant to try again.
Question Ten: How did the Jews manage to make Hanukkah music worse than Christmas music?
Generally, the Jews are a very musical people, but they did that to spite Christian parents at public-school holiday concerts.
So hopefully that clears up any questions you have about Hanukkah, but if not, feel free to send them to us by email or leave a question on the Facebook page because originally we planned on doing a feedback segment this week but we didn’t have enough emails so we had to do this bit instead.
Before we cash in our chips tonight I wanted to congratulate Mark Nebo from BeSecular (dot) org, Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast and our very own Heath Enwright, all of whom, barring something nearly as unlikely as Jonah surviving for an extended period inside a fish; will be joining me in the postseason of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists. I’d also like to thank all the other participants who tragically fell short of this chance at supremacy, who I won’t name out of respect. Except Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast, who I will name out of disrespect because, damn does his team suck balls.
I also wanted apologize to our audience for a tragic oversight in last week’s program. Astute listener Jon Ownbey points out that when Heath and I were positing Christian euphemisms for masturbation, we missed the low hanging fruit of “Casting Out the Semens”, and also the ripe potential for low-hanging fruit jokes. Sorry about that, won’t happen again. Oh, and sorry if I’m mispronouncing your name, Jon.
Of course I need to thank Heath for finding something productive to do with his frighteningly twisted sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up and for other things she’d rather I not spell out in detail and I need to thank Daniel from Atlanta for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. Daniel didn’t have anything in particular to plug, but since he’s a truck driver, I’ll just say on his behalf that if there’s a truck behind you that wants to go faster, just get the fuck out of the way. He or she has shit to do and a family to get home to. Not something he expressed directly, but I’m willing to bet he’s yelled it into an empty cab once or twice.
But of course, above all things, I need to thank this week’s most enviable envoys of enlightenment; Dee, Magnus, Alan, Daniel, Willie, Søren and Torrey. Dee, whose philanthropy has inspired a petition to promote her titular letter 3 spaces up in the alphabet; Magnus, who’s so virile and well-endowed that they named a condom after him; Alan, whose angelic physique is consistently ranked as the number one reason for surreptitious time travel to the twenty-first century; Daniel, whose greatness can only be described through pharthindelical neology; Willie, whose variegated talents will all coalesce in act three, proving that he was the chosen hero all along; Søren, whose name I’m pretty sure I’m pronouncing correctly despite the fact that it has an alchemical symbol in the middle of it and who also slays ice-giants by the phalanx; and Torrey, who wishes to forego any adulation for his enormous intellect and member and would rather I throw a shout out to his little brother in Australia whose name he probably intended to include in the email, and who I would totally still give a shout out to by name in a future podcast upon receiving said moniker.
These seven magnificent magnates have magnified the magnitude of their magnanimity this week by giving us money. It takes bold and decisive clicking and typing of account information to give us money, but if you think you share Dee, Magnus, Alan, Daniel, Willie, Søren and Torrey’s finger dexterity and commitment to obscene podcasting, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
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If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.