The Scathing Atheist

by Noah Lugeons and Heath Enwright

SPONSOR:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Biblical shampoo, Seconds Acts Brain and Body wash.  Our maximum strength indoctrination formula is powerful enough to wash away IQ points.

Hell, by the time we’re done with you you’ll be buying shampoo with vitamins in it.  Like your hair can metabolize vitamins…

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

INTRO:

It’s Thursday, It’s June 13th and I can prove that if I have to.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from pre-apocalyptic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

• A high school valedictorian will boldly stand with the many against the few.

• American Atheists will give the devil a place in Florida to rest his cloven feet.

• And the New England Patriots guarantee us at least one more season of Tebow jokes,

But first, the Diatribe.

DIATRIBE:

There’s an apologetics tactic that seems to be gaining popularity of late.  This one isn’t showing up in any formal debates, mind you.  This one is reserved for the “infantry” of religious debaters, the drooling ass-hats that you find commenting on You-Tube videos and trolling Reddit.  It’s a tactic I call “God, the ingredient-less sandwich”.

It goes like this: First, I, the apologist, upon seeing your blog post or YouTube video or whatever, tell you how wrong you’ve got it.  Then I offer a definition of god that is so vague and meaningless it would make Deepak Chopra blush.  By the time I’m done, I’ve defined god to be absolutely nothing.  He’s a sandwich with no ingredients.  He’s “all things” or he’s “the transcriber of physical laws” or he’s “the part of us that knows the divine” or he’s “innate sense of goodness in each and every one of us.”

And then you, the counter-apologist, have nothing to argue with.  Sure, you can point out that if the term “god” just means “all things” then there’s no point in the term “god” because clearly we both agree that “all things that exist” exist.  You can point out that if, by god, I don’t mean an all-knowing, all-powerful, omnibenevolent, all-creating, conscious force, then I should probably come up with a different word to use, since that’s what the rest of English has decided that the word “god” means.

But I’m never wrong.  Because whatever you say about god, I’ll just exclude from my definition.  Let me give you a real world example:

I do a segment on the blog called “Live Blogging the Bible” where I jot down some of the craziest shit in the book as I come across it.  Among the passages that inspired a blog entry was the one in Exodus where Moses outwrestles god by calling upon the magical powers of his son’s penis wreath.

So some theist pops on and gives a response along the lines of “Tee-hee, yeah, this part is really silly.  But boy is that book still really, really divine though.  Like, really, really importantly, sacredly, divinely inspired.  But tee-hee, yeah, the individual passages are really silly.”

This has been a pretty common criticism of the whole “Holy Babble” segment.  A Catholic friend of mine told me I was missing the point of Christianity by focusing on the bible.  Who reads Leviticus, after all?  I felt obligated to point out that Leviticus is the one they use to justify the homophobia thing so, you know, it matters.  But as I’ve said before that’s not the point of the segment.  We’re not out to “disprove” the bible or offer a textual critique.  We’re here to point and laugh and make dick jokes about it.

So I respond, he responds, I respond.  He seems overwrought by the fact that somehow his innocent defense of the bible on a website called the “Scathing Atheist” turned into a debate.  He gives me his ingredient-less god in the form of “I don’t claim to know all the answers like you atheists do.  I don’t claim to know what god is.  I’m just open to the possibility and believe that it’s true.”

Well bully for you.

And this “liberal” defense of theism; this “I’m open minded and you’re not because I’m willing to believe logically incoherent things and you aren’t” defense really pisses me off.  It brings out the worst in me.  These nearsighted fucktards defend some wishy-washy, intangible notion of religion and because of that, they think they can wash their hands of all the bad shit religion does.

Religion starts wars.  Yes, but not my type of religion.

Religion oppresses women and gays.  Yes, but not my theological bent.

Religion opposes science.  Yes, but not my vision of god.

It doesn’t fucking matter, jackass.  If you’re setting out to defend “god” against the atheists, you don’t get to just defend your gelatinous definition, because that’s not the only one I’m attacking.  Yes, it’s bullshit, too, but it’s not the only bullshit.  You’re involving yourself in a social movement and if you win, you don’t just win for your little slice of your side.  You win for every homophobic, misogynistic, child indoctrinating, anti-science, anti-education, anti-abortion, anti-equality fucktard who wears the cross.  And I think it’s worth noting that there are a hell of alot more of those Christians than there are of you.

Keep in mind that I’m not talking about what you believe.  Believe whatever you want.  I might make fun of it, but I really don’t give a shit what you believe.  I’m talking about what you choose to publicly defend; what you choose to put the weight of your intellect behind.

So eventually this commenter writes me off under the label of “religious intolerance”.  What, like that’s supposed to be an insult?  I’m wear the “religious intolerance” label pretty proudly.  I spent about 40 hours a week being actively intolerant of religion and the rest of my time being passively intolerant.

The fact is that these would be apologists are defending the side that makes good people kill other good people.  To that I simply say, “You should be ashamed of yourself.  You’re not, so I’m ashamed of you for you.”

HEADLINES:

Joining me for headlines today is my freelance confessor Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to hear my sins?

As long as you don’t show me video again, like the one when you <<<Bleep>>> all using just the one cup.

I was young and I needed the protein.

In our lead story tonight, churches around the country celebrated their unconstitutional and illegal tax exemptions last Sunday by telling the IRS to go fuck itself.  Yes, once again it’s that time of year; the time of year when preachers and pastors and priests go in front of their congregations, deliver politically charged addresses that prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that their tax exemptions are unlawful, videotape these sermons and send them to the IRS.

This doesn’t set any unreasonable precedents.   I’m pretty sure the Confederacy still does slavery one day a year.  Although I doubt they send the videos to the White House.

They call this ritual “Pulpit Freedom Sunday”, and it’s a reaction to that miswired portion of the Christian brain that sees “unrivaled societal privilege” and calls it “persecution”.  By law, churches lose their tax exempt status if and when they endorse a political view.  As their exemptions are based on the antiquated notion that a church’s primary function is the public good; using that institution to endorse a candidate or tell parishioners how to vote on an upcoming proposition is a clear violation of that societal contract.

The tax exemption for churches is especially egregious to me.  Religious groups taken as a whole, own about 7% of habitable land on the earth.  In this country, they don’t pay property tax on any of that.  Lots of shenanigans where personal homes are somehow also tax exempt houses of worship, but nobody lets me in when I knock really loud late at night wanting to pray.

And somehow, that’s not enough for over 1000 religious leaders across the nation.  They feel that they deserve tax exemption just because “up yours”.  What’s more, they shouldn’t have to do anything to earn it, they shouldn’t have to conform to any laws or regulations and they should get a magical pony.

They’re already getting away with this.  Having their sky-cake and eating it too.  Churches are getting the exemptions, and they’re clearly helping organize votes for politicians that share their distaste for science.  

“All you have to do, is shut up and take your impossibly over-generous status.  Just don’t make a sex tape showing your greedy dicks in the taxpayers’ asses”

And yet they can’t manage that.  They instead opt for the “do somethin’ muthatucka” approach.  They provide the IRS clear evidence that they’re in violation of the law and dare them to act on it.  The IRS, herein referred to as “Religion’s prison bitch”, responds by doing absolutely nothing and continuing to allow these leeches to flaunt their refusal to abide by even the most cursory attempts to limit their undeserved dispensation.

Christianity prefers syrup, and the IRS has obliged.

I also find it interesting, that without batting an eye at the thick ropes of irony on their face, the Christian vote went to Romney, whose religion defines marriage less like “one man and one woman” . . . and more like the porn industry.

Pulpit Freedom Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/06/09/today-is-pulpit-freedom-sunday-when-christian-pastors-dare-the-irs-to-revoke-their-tax-exemption/

And in “It’s-Just-a-Bench-You-Bloviating-Condom-Malfunction” news, we turn our eyes to north Cuba, also known as south New York City also known as the national death-queue, also known as Florida.  This story begins with a six ton granite monument sitting in front of the Bradford County Courthouse in Starke, Florida, proudly displaying a list of secular values like “Thou shalt not kill” and “Thou shalt have no other gods before me”.

Now that god’s dead, can we have other gods after him?  There’s gotta be some good midrash about this . . .

Anyway, maybe they’ll be able to find a Christian church somewhere in Florida.  A place like that might be able to use six tons of propaganda to put out front.

And when American Atheists challenged the legality of it that’s probably what they should have done.  Instead, they opted for the “fix-slavery-by-making-everyone-a-slave” approach and said that it was fine for Christians to put a monument up because anybody could put a monument up.  So the atheists opted for the second best solution and offered a monument of their own.

This is great, because a whole bunch of Christians are going to be terrified of the secret Trojan Horse Satan sculpture us vile secularists are conjuring up.

Unfortunately they set aside your “Trojan Horse Satan” proposal and opted instead for a 1500 pound granite bench adorned by secular quotes from the likes of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and Madalyn Murray O’Hair.  And, in an effort to complement the existing ten commandments structure, it will also include a list of Old Testament punishments for violating said commandments, including being stoned, beaten or burned to death.

Fantastic – I’m sure the Christians will appreciate a nice homage like that built into the otherwise entirely demonic bench.

Actually, in a stunning display of cognitive dissonance, Christians are outraged.  They manage a paradoxical simultaneous outrage that someone would dare to question the legitimacy of a monument endorsing a particular belief system and that someone would dare to assert the legitimacy of a monument endorsing a particular belief set.

Probably the same mental trait that allows them to engrave the words “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images” without recognizing the irony.  And again, there are thick, arcing ropes of irony in the room.

Atheists give satan a place to rest his cloven feet: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/jun/7/atheists-set-unveil-first-public-monument-florida-/

Our next story takes us to Liberty, South Carolina, a town known for it’s upscale retailers like Family Dollar and nothing else.  Because that’s honestly the only store in the whole fucking town.

Situated about 30 miles from anywhere you’d ever intentionally be, Liberty was home to a recent row between the ACLU, the FFRF and a bunch of Christian turd nuggets that liked to open their city council meetings with prayers.

We’ve been circulating that memo about the 1st of those 10 particularly important amendments since around Christmas of 1791.  I know these people aren’t the most intelligently designed beings, but come on…  

Yeah, you’d think they’d have heard it by now, but not so for high school valedictorian Roy Costner.  Incensed by the sudden political pressure from folks what ain’t ever from ‘round here, Costner decided to use his valedictory speech to send a clear message against the ACLU and their damned Constitution of these United States.

Costner sounds like he’s bound for greatness.  Valedictorians from Liberty are pretty much guaranteed admittance to North Northwest South Carolina Community College, and that’s like the Oral Roberts of North Northwest South Carolina community colleges.

And Costner proved that he’s got what it takes to stand in the proud ranks of North Northwest South Carolina’s fightin’ Fry Cooks by cleverly employing a surreptitious tactic called “lying”.  He submitted one speech to the school for approval but then, upon taking the podium, dramatically ripped up his prepared speech and instead offered the Lord’s prayer.  Because he’s an asshole.

“I had this whole speech prepared, but <DRAMATIC RIP> I’m going to improvise something entirely original . . . Follow along if you know the words . . . Our Father…”

What we have here is the specter of Christian persecution once again rearing it’s imaginary head.  This podunk redneck can’t see beyond the Wal Mart on 93 up toward Greenville and actually thinks he’s part of the oppressed minority.  The fact that nobody can get elected to national office in this country without swearing fealty to Jesus somehow fails to permeate his shell.

When a town in the pioneer Confederate State is called Liberty, the Christian white dudes there ABSOLUTELY DO NOT get to complain about oppression.

Douche-bag valedictorian delivers prayer for speech: http://www.christianpost.com/news/interview-valedictorian-roy-costner-iv-on-ripping-up-his-approved-speech-reciting-lords-prayer-97552/

And in the “There-are-only-atheists-in-foxoles-because-we’re-not-discriminating-hard-enough” news, the House armed services committee recently struck down a measure that would have created humanist chaplains to serve the near one in four American soldiers who have no religious affiliation.

Those atheist soldiers should have thought about this before they went and died before finding the lord.  Of course the chaplains don’t tell the surviving parents that their atheist child is in hell outright.  But they’re required to at least address how nice heaven would have been if they weren’t atheist, which is always awkward.  

Arguing that humanists chaplains don’t believe anything, Republican pubic louse John Fleming of Louisiana said that humanists would make (quote) “A mockery of chaplaincy,” adding that if an atheist chaplain had to tell a family that their child had died they would tell them (quote) “You know, that’s it.  Your son’s just worms.”  And then he corrected himself by adding, “I mean, worm food.”  Because he was too stupid to be that stupid correctly the first time around.

“You can’t talk to people about death without mass opiates to distribute.”

But don’t worry, it’s not like republicans hang their political hat on loving the troops or anything.

Also, to be fair, not all pubic lice are Republican Christians.

House Armed Services Committee kills humanist chaplaincy bill: http://www.goddiscussion.com/110407/house-armed-services-committee-kills-humanist-chaplain-amendment-for-military-service-members-by-a-vote-of-43-18/

And in military news this week, Jesus has declared war on the porn.  We know because Pastor Jay Dennis told us so, and if anybody knows about the use of pornography, it’s apparently Pastor Jay Dennis, of Lakeland, Florida, whose infatuation with pornography has become his life’s work.

Well he’s gonna run into some opposition from the pastor-bation campaign known as “BCB” or “Bishops Choking Bishops”.  They argue that if priests were to be denied access to porn, you might start hearing about rape scandals one day.  

Even though he totally doesn’t stroke his own dick because, you know, that’s sinful, he presents himself as something of an expert on the sinful autoerotic stimulation of penises.  He also doesn’t look at porn and only knows so much about it because he has vowed to obsessively take on the evil specter of pornography even if it means that he has to think about naked people fornicating all the time, day and night, forever.

Yeah I only go on the internet for the articles too.  The reason that typing any single letter will autocomplete to a porn site is because I get my news on those sites.    

Pastor Dennis is calling his single-minded preoccupation with men fondling their own genitals, “One million men porn free” and to end the evils of pornography, he often spends upwards of 16 hours a day thinking about all those poor men stroking their engorged, throbbing cocks; occasionally choking themselves a little bit at the end or maybe working in some ass play.

The fact that we can’t blow ourselves clearly disproves intelligent design.  And the fact that we keep trying anyway indicates even less intelligence.    

Calling pornography (quote) “the new bubonic plague in the church”, Pastor Dennis vows to figuratively “beat” every bishop that doesn’t take on the evils of pornography.  To figuratively choke every chicken that doesn’t have the guts to take on this issue.  To figuratively spank every monkey that covers its ears, eyes and mouth to the problem of pornography.

He should look into my new browser censorship software called “Stroke Ward”

Something about “Hand of God Job”

Pastor seeks one million porn-free men: http://www.christianpost.com/news/so-baptist-convention-2013-one-million-men-porn-free-among-featured-programs-at-annual-meeting-97526/

And in this week’s crucifix masturbation report, former Catholic student and current second cumming joke waiting to happen Valerie Dodds enraged officials at her former school, St. Pius X High School when she published nude videos of herself on school grounds masturbating with one of those little Jesus on the cross action figures that Catholics like so much.

We need to get this girl on our staff . . . And we should hire her too.

Basically, she just out scathed us by a mile; we just got served . . .  We might need to dance back.  “So you guys do a podcast about atheism? . . . That’s pretty cool . . . I just broke into a house of worship and came on the messiah’s face . . . Your move assholes . . . “

And then she just dropped the mic and walked off stage.

And while we here at the Scathing Atheist have occasionally been guilty of failing to fully vet our stories, you can bet your ass that I researched this one until I ran out of lotion.  Because she’s smoking fucking hot.  And she’s got a crucifix in her vag.

This is a way better take on the “pussy riot” concept.  So did she cum or what?

I never made it that far into the video, honestly.  She was later cited for public nudity for the stunt, so Dodds retaliated by returning to the school dressed in nothing but the legal minimum of a pair of panties and nipple covers, because she apparently entered the world by first escaping from a fourteen year old’s wet dream.

Also a 31-year-old’s wet dream during a post-shit nap earlier today.

Monsignor Perkinton, a representative of the school told the media that the school would respond by praying for the young woman.  And I’d like to think that when you have a 19 year old porn star constantly showing up at your door in her panties, you should be done praying.

Her site should be called porn-huskers.com

Now that we’re not really on the subject, Jesus works well for several fetishes.  My favorite is post-crucifixion necrophilia combined with the stigmata orifice thing.  Any chance you have a snappy title for that genre?  Must make pun . . .

A dirty Cristos?  The holiest of holies?  A wrist-job?

Former Catholic student breaks into school to videotape herself masturbating with a crucifix: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/06/07/nebraska-catholic-school-praying-after-former-student-masturbates-with-crucifix/

That does it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks for joining me.

And when we return, we’ll be back.

SKIT:

Narrator: In the beginning, there were two gods.  And while many know the story of the more ambitious brother, Jehovah, only a few know the story of his twin brother Mikey.  Both were gifted with omnipotence, but only Jehovah was gifted with ambition.

This is the story of Mikey:

(angelic choir, door opening)

“Whoa!  What the hell is that?!”

I call it light.

Well… don’t you think it kind of blows?  I’m blinded over here.

Oh, bro, you haven’t seen anything yet.

That’s cause I’m fuckin’ blinded.

I’ve got a whole plan… heavens, seas, animals…

Dude, unless this is at least tangentially related to Super Smash Brothers, I’m not interested.

Mikey, this is really important stuff.

(dismissively) Whatever, man.  I’m going to bed.

Narrator: And as Mikey slept, his brother continued with his momentous plan…

(Snoring sounds, Splashing water)

(grumbling) Now what?!

(Sloshing through water, door opens and closes)

What the fuck are you doing?

I call it water.

Well, you think you could make it suck a little less?

Don’t worry, I’m going to create solid ground next.

Well can you hurry the hell up? It’s kinda hard to sleep with all this churning and rolling and salty crap getting sprayed in my face.

Yeah, I should be done with the ground tomorrow sometime.

Tomorrow!?  What’s wrong with now?

This is a lot of work, bro.  I promise… I’ll get to it as soon as I can. I’m still separating all these seas.

Fine… just hurry the hell up.

(door slams)

Narrator: And on the second day, Mikey rested…  And on the third day, Mikey continued to rest.  And on the fourth day he mostly just smoked bong hits.

(Bong sound effect)

PART TWO:

Narrator: Four days after the first intrusion of Jehovah’s light, Mikey awoke within a sealed wooden enclosure he’d used to avoid his brother’s twisted machinations.  Beyond the wooden walls he could hear strange sounds and his curiosity eventually bested his lethargy.  Mikey ventured once more into Jehovah’s new creation.

(Door opens)

Yo, Joey!

(mutters) My name’s Jehovah

I’m digging that big orange ball of flame… it’s nice. I’d have put it a little higher up, but hey, that’s just me.

It actually rises and falls back over on that side. It moves kind of slow. I’m trying to get it to exactly 24 hours but it’s a pain in the ass.

How close are you?

I’m within a minute.

Close enough.

(mutters) Isn’t that always your answer…

Loving what you did with the sky, little bro. Little white patches floating by… nice touch.

Clouds, I call ‘em. You should see it at night. I did stars and everything.

Nice.  So what are you planning with this whole thing?

(slightly maniacal laugh) Well… I still gotta finish the moon, but then the next couple days I’m working on animals.

What the fuck are animals?

Little living, sentient things that’ll eat each other and compete for limited resources. It’ll be fun to watch.

Sounds like a pain in the ass. Are you gonna take care of all those things? You know… take ‘em for walks and stuff?

Nope. They’re on their own in a cruel world, bro. But hold on, I haven’t told you the…

Wait… a cruel world? Why would you create a cruel world?

Cruelty will act as a lesson about the vastness of my power. I’ll creating suffering so that they can enjoy bounty in its absence.

That doesn’t make a lick of sense.

No… it does. See, you can’t have good without evil.

Yes you can.  You’re omnipotent, remember? You can have anything you want.

Anyway, don’t worry about it. That’s not even the best part. I haven’t told you about ‘man’ yet.

(skeptically) What are mans?

Men.

Okay, what are mens?

No, man, but when you pluralize it, you say ‘men’.

This is already weird and you haven’t even told me what they are.

I work in mysterious ways, Mikey.

Whatever… fine. So what are ‘men’?

Okay… this is so cool… They’ll be like little versions of us. My own image and everything. And I’ll give them free will and I’ll stick them in a garden paradise…

Well that’s nice of you. I was afraid…

… but I’ll put a tree in there with really delicious fruit on it and I’ll tell them not to eat it and when they do… and you know they will… anyway, when they do, I’ll curse them for all of eternity.

… what?

And then I’ll fuck with ‘em for a few centuries and totally remove myself from their world. And if they don’t believe I exist after that, I’ll condemn them to spend eternity burning in a fiery pit.

What’s a fiery pit?

It’s something I’m going to create just to be a miserable ass place to spend eternity in.

Um …Why?

Because I want them to see how awesome I am.  They’ll love me or they’ll burn in hell in an unending orgy of tragic pain for all of time. It’ll be great!

Dude… you’ve lost your fucking mind. I’m sorry to just lay it out there like that, but you’re fucking crazy. That’s the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard. Seriously… I should create mental asylums just so I could lock you in one.

Go ahead. See if you ever figure out how magnets work, dick.

Narrator: God turned his back on his brother and Mikey retreated to his ark to play some video games. It would be centuries before he came out again and by then, his brother had so irrevocably fucked up his experiment that he’d simply given up on it and moved on to a new project.

Thus ends the gospel of Mikey.

OUTRO:

Before we snuff the candles this week, I wanted to respond to a few concerns a fan of the show raised on an otherwise very complimentary review on iTunes.  Il Divertente points out that the show is funny, well-written, thoughtful and great, all of which are true.  He then goes on to share two minor irritants:

One is my persistent mispronunciation of atheist as atheist instead of atheist.  He or she is, of course, correct and as she or he is not the first person to point it out, and I hope he or she noticed the concerted effort I’ve been making to get it right.  I’ve got a bit of a lisp I have to work around and there’s something about the word “Atheist” that always trips me up.

The second concern was that of my hidden identity.  He or she correctly points out that my name is not actually “Noah Lugeons” and wonders what I’m hiding from.  Well, Il Divertente, I would direct your attention to another person who hid behind a secret identity and redeemed humanity through his suffering.  And that person’s name was Batman.

Now clearly, Batman had a way cooler car than me because who needs a car in New York, but I think we can all admit that Noah Lugeons is a way funnier pseudonym than Batman.

I should also point out that if you’d like to unmask the Scathing Atheist, an easy way to find out my secret identity is to give us money.  Because of the way paypal sets up its donation system, everybody who donates to the show actually sees my name on the confirmation email they receive.

Which brings us to a quick recognition of the unparalleled awesomeness of this week’s most exceptional carbon based lifeforms, Richard and April.  Already among the pantheon of the world’s greatest people for having donated to the show in the past, these two transcendently admirable and admirably transcendent individuals have earned a spot within the pantheon of the pantheon by doubling down and donating to our show not once but twice.

We make a lot of jokes about pretty much everything, but we are truly humbled by the generosity of our listeners and thanks you sincerely, even if it means having to be sincere for a few seconds.  If you, too, would like to join the pantheon of the world’s best people, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to help but all your money is tied up in Linguini-based energy, you can always help us out by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes, telling someone about the show and then forcing them to download it at gunpoint.

That does it for us tonight but we’ll be working hard to earn another half hour of your life next week.  If you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out our erratically published blog, follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook and subscribe to us on YouTube.

I want to thank Heath for everything he does to make this show possible.  I also need to thank Lucinda for narrating the skit and putting up with the mostly unpaid second full time job I’ve decided to take on.  I also need to thank Wesley from Atheist Nomads for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s got a really fun and rowdy podcast going on over there.  If you haven’t checked it out yet, I highly recommend you give him and Dustin a day in court.  You’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes for this episode.

http://www.atheistnomads.com/

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the “Contact Page” at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by your truly and yes, I did have my permission.