Posts Tagged ‘antitheism podcast’

Episode 83 – Show Notes

September 18, 2014 2 comments

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Click Here to check out Chris Watson’s blog, Unbuckling the Bible Belt



BJ from JC pic may land dude in jail for 2 years: <<AND>>

Catholic League drops out of St. Paddy’s day parade because there will be queers:

Atheists/Theists tie in morality rankings:

Klingenschmitt: Christians will be “forced to worship sodomy”

Church lobby gets Justice Department to appeal decision that “Parsonage Exemption” is obviously unconstitutional:

Santorum: Let’s just call atheism a religion and get it banned from schools:

Bryan Fischer: “Janay Rice should never have cohabitated that elevator before marriage”:

Croco-Duck discovered:

Teacher physically lifts 1st grader out of seat for the pledge:

Atheists shit on Hindus:

Ken Ham joins in theocratic southern secessionist group:

Hobby Lobby decision continues to suck:

Priest fucks children; dog:



Missouri State Rep sues Obama because her daughter’s birth control is covered:

AZ GOP official resigns after suggesting poor women should be sterilized:

Rush Limbaugh: “No means yes”



























Episode 82 – Show Notes

September 11, 2014 1 comment

CLICK HERE for more info on the AHA’s Pledge of Allegiance Protest


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Click Here to listen to the episode.

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Dalai Lama decides not to reincarnate again:

Kevin Sorbo to Jews: “But you guys did kill Jesus.”

Two Diocese fight over the remains of a dead man:

Top Gun is no place for atheists:

AHA urges students to stay seated during pledge: also AHA site for people who get in trouble:

Jesus on a moth: and a p

Nazi liberals preventing the censorship that the poor conservative masses need to survive:

Phil Robertson to ISIS: Convert or die:

Christians to protest Cowboys signing Michael Sam:



Marc Driscoll: “Women are penis homes”:

Scalia: Women swearing is destroying society:

Jogging federal Marshall fucks up asshole who yanks down her shorts:



Pastor: Imprison gays for 10 years of hard labor:

Harlem Church needs bigger sign to hold all its bigotry:

TN Megachurch pastor: Gays should be put to death:

Pat Robertson: Gay son just needs more well-oiled men in his life:




Episode 81 Shownotes

September 4, 2014 1 comment

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If you’d like to check out either of Thomas’ fine podcasts you can…

Click Here to check out Atheistically Speaking, or…

Click Here to check out Thomas and the Bible.

You can also check out James on the Unbearable Podcast by clicking here.



Denkfest (Zurich):

Critical Mass Conference (Oslo):

Skeptical Symposium on Eastern Traditional Medicine (Amsterdam)

Skepticamp in Winnipeg:

The Non-Conference in Toronto:

Hungarian Skeptics’ Conference:



Larry Klayman sues Obama for being Muslim:

Man kicked out of city council meeting for not standing during prayer:

Phyllis Schlafly to women: “Get married, and your husband will beat up all your rapists.”

Texas pastor demands library pull vampire books:

Satan worshipper burns, urinates on Bible:

Even the Guatemalans don’t want these jews:

Chilean Priest steals babies:

Sikhs angered by inability to inadvertnetly crush their skulls for god:

Radical Cleric stuns interviewer with admittedly pretty good 9/11 joke:

Rick Wiles to end Trunews:

Fatwa against high speed internet:

Bryan Fischer wants First Lady to end lesbianism to fight obesity:

Thomas Story: Rick Santorum is gonna be the biggest darned producer this town has ever seen!



Egyptian Cleric: Men allowed to watch women shower if they have “pure intentions”

Sandy Rios says opposite of truth:

Fox News Guest: Feminist not being what god designed them to be:

Kurdish women sent to fight, kill and humiliate ISIS:


And Last and Least:

Click Here to see the fat guy in the red hat.

Episode 78 Show Notes

August 14, 2014 2 comments

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Click here to check out Atheist TV for free online.

Click here to check out the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast with Tom & Cecil

Click here to check out the Herd Mentality Podcast with Adam Reakes

Click here to check out Atheist Hangouts with David Viviano

Click here just for the hell of it.




Atheist activist in Alabama receives death threats:

Atheist author cancels conference appearance after death threats:


(Headline Section)

Church cancels funeral after learning dead guy was gay:

Rick Wiles: Ebola could solve the atheism problem… and kill the gays! and

of Christianity:

Christians infiltrate gay pride parade, hand out faulty condoms:

Teen missionary rapist blames demons:

Bryan Fischer: “AFA and ISIS on the same page about disliking Obama and Satan”

Pastor arrested for soliciting dog sex on Cragislist:


(This Week in Misogyny)

Too much sex in sex ed textbook:

Stephen Anderson explains how birth control makes women sluts:

Ohio Strippers protest at church… topless:




Episode 77 – Partial Transcript

August 7, 2014 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints.



LINK TO ADAM’S PODCAST (The Herd Mentality)


Link to Noah’s appearance on Atheistically Speaking (Part One and Part Two)

Link to Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories

Link to Matt Dillahunty’s video on Secular Morality



Warning: You should have peed before you left.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by “Whore-Ox Bleach,” Abstain-Remover.

So for all you recently deconverted theists still struggling to overcome the sexual taboos imbedded in your mind by decades of slut-shaming, hell-mongering and bedroom advice from celibate pedophiles, try our extra strength suppositories and we promise they won’t be the last thing you stick in your ass.

“Whore-Ox Bleach,” safe for both whites and coloreds… even at the same time… and that’s okay now.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s August 7th,

And evolution’s so easy, a caveman can do it.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright, and from pluralistic New York, New York,

And “as monochromatic as legally enforceable” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • We learn that God never learned to drive stick,
  • A Louisiana archdiocese will play “Three Pedophile Monte,”
  • And the gays ruin Christian orphan hoarding for everyone.

But first, the Diatribe…



Of all the arrows in the apologist’s quiver, you’ve gotta figure the whole, “Where do atheists get their morals?” bit has to be the last one they want to shoot.  Because what they’re saying at that point is essentially, “I know we’re wrong, but if we admit it was all a lie, we’d all be raping each other’s ear-holes by September.”

It’s such a baffling question to me because it rests on the assumption that morality comes from god… but doesn’t everything come from god if you’re a theist?  How is this any different than asking, “Without god, where do atheists get their orgasms?”  Why are morals always singled out?

Now, obviously there’s a more nuanced form of this than the ear-hole rape version.  They say that morals need an absolute, right?  Otherwise you descend into moral relativism, in which case you have to admit that a culture can dictate what’s moral.  They like to say that without an absolute moral authority to appeal to, there can only be moral change, not moral advancement.

Obviously there’s too much wrong with this argument to cram it all in one diatribe.  I mean… there’s no divine authority on health or technology and those things can advance.  I don’t need a man in the sky to tell me that my phone is superior to a loom.  I know it because I have an objective standard… you know, like the ones we have for morality… harm, freedom, equality… that kind of shit.

And despite the spurious series of assumptions this nonsense apologetic relies on, there are plenty of theists that actually think it is some sort of checkmate.  They say, “Morals must come from god, so if there’s no god, there’s no morals.”  But they just… changed the definition of morals, right?  I mean, the dictionary calls morals, “a person’s standard of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.”  No mention of god there.

It’s like saying that from now on the definition of the word “egg” includes, “perfectly cubed,” and then lamenting the fact that there are no true eggs anymore.  Matt Dillahunty has a great video, and I’ll link to it on the shownotes for this episode, where he argues that not only is a secular morality superior to a religious morality but, in fact, secular morality is the only kind that exists.

Now, a lot of atheists will demonstrate this fact by pointing to something we can all agree is immoral, but isn’t touched on in the bible.  You ask them, “So, do you think slavery is immoral?” and they say, “Yes,” because they’re afraid a black person might hear them and you say, “So why do you think that’s immoral?  Never says that in your bible.  God never says slavery is immoral.  You just know it is because your secular morals tell you it is.”

This might be effective sometimes, but it sort of misses their point.  Because these people think the Holy Ghost lives in their head and gives them instructions, like the little alien that drives Oprah Winfrey.  So when you say “it isn’t in the bible,” they say, “well god just whispered it into my brain,” and somehow they don’t recognize how batshit insane that sounds.  And among the advantages of this line of, let’s call it “thinking,” is that it also immunizes them in case you point out that atheists are, by reasonable measures, as moral as religious people.  Well of course we are, because god is whispering right from wrong into our brains, too; we just don’t realize it.

Of course, they’re only that sophisticated with their stupid when they have to be.  I’ve spoken with a number of theists that were genuinely curious what kept me from raping immigrants.  They like to paint this hellish picture of what the world would look like without the threat of sky-daddy’s brimstone-timeouts.  And if you counter by pointing out that the least religious nations are the most lawful and the most religious nations are the most violent, they’ll retreat to prehistory and talk about how bad civilization would have been without the advantage of the “Divine Ass Rape of Damocles.”

But in truth, the last thing they should want to bring up is morality.  It’s the weakest link in their chain and it’s my favorite way of pointing out what’s so damn dangerous about religion.  When theists ask me where I get my morals, I prefer to tell them where I don’t get them.  I don’t get them from absolute authorities.  I don’t get them from ancient texts.  I don’t get them from voices in my head.  I don’t get them from somebody whose moral authority rests solely on his mastery of mythology.  I don’t get them from a book that so readily offered moral justifications for slavery, institutionalized sexism, child abuse, genocide and torture.

So where do morals come from?  I don’t know.  Where do fantasies come from?  Where do ideas come from?  Where do fears and fallacies come from?  Tell you what, theists, I’ll make you a deal.  We rationalists will keep looking into that and when we have a definitive answer, we’ll get back to you.  All we ask in return is that between now and then you refrain from nuking the fucking planet over that extremely moral institutions you keep talking about.



Joining me for headlines tonight is adverbally adjective-ish, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to verb?

I’d like to verb my noun on S.E. Cupp’s face … Will we get a chance to look into that???

I’d commission a mural of it on my ceiling.

Two pearls one Cupp … In our lead story tonight, from the “Foxy Moron” file, conservative atheist political pundette S.E. Cupp – after her daily shift behind the glass as prize specimen at the Exotic Republican Zoo – proclaimed during a video for CNN’s Crossfire, that conservative atheists are better at godlessness that liberal atheists.  Then she got back inside the glass walls and ceiling for the evening shift …

I hear they used to have soundproof glass but they learned that as long as people could hear her, they didn’t need the jizz mopper.

On the outside wall, anyway.  And women don’t usually have enough power to reach the glass ceiling … So I thought she might talk about how liberalism more closely aligns with the teachings of Jesus than conservativism … That wouldn’t have helped her case … <Not really> but it would have been better than her actual argument … which went something like this: “Atheist Republicans – who are beholden to a constituency full of evangelicals – are forced to feign imaginary sympathy more than atheist Democrats … And that makes conservative atheists better … Because intellectual honesty is … bad– sputter sputter sputter hissssssss.”  

I saw an interesting counter-argument by somebody named ‘The Exact Same Bitch Making a Contradictory Point,’ who said (quote) “In fact, I’d go so far as to say conservatism is far more intellectually honest and respectful of atheism than liberalism has been.” (end quote) So… sorry to interrupt, Southeast, you were saying something about ‘Intellectual honesty?’

Her remarks start to make a little more sense when you consider Cupp’s description of her personal brand of monotheistic atheism (quote) “I don’t believe in God, but I’m not mad at him either.” (end quote) … So unlike Bill Maher – who she castigates for being radically zero-godded – Cupp subscribes to a more accommodating, moderate sect of atheism called Christianity … She believes in half a god as a compromise, but rounds it up to one if she’s on FOX.

That’s odd… because usually Christian gods come in thirds.

Right … zero thirds.

CNN’s S.E. Cupp: “Conservative atheists are better.”:

And in “It’s not like they didn’t pay for their own lube” news tonight, Minneapolis archbishop John C. Nienstedt is refusing to relinquish his post an awful lot these days.  Nienstedt is facing calls for his resignation from prominent Catholics, local politicians, state newspapers, the kid’s whose asses he allowed to be raped and all other people who are familiar with this situation on even a cellular level; but Nienstedt vows to continue fighting for the rights of priests to molest children with impunity but pretends it’s because he really loves running the soup kitchen.

Here’s the problem though … You can’t just conjure up new clergy on command.  It’s not so easy to find someone who can read, ladle, and not abuse kids.

While he freely admits that he mishandled abuse allegations in the past, he did vociferously deny that he was actively engaged in homosexual relationships, which prompted reporters to point out that nobody was saying he was, to which he responded, (quote) “Good, because I’m not,” (end quote).

“You want me to go have penis-vagina sex right now?!? … With an adult … I’ll do it!!!”

The actual defense he’s using here is the claim that while he was shown memos about problem priests, he didn’t fully grasp the scope of the troubles until last fall.  Last Fall!?  As in since we’ve been doing this show.  So the guy who runs the diocese was less informed on the catholic child-fucking thing than Heath and me until ten months ago, when his chancellor of canonical affairs resigned her position in disgust and went public with the information.  So yes, his story is that the person who quit her job because of his refusal to adequately address these allegations never told him about the allegations.

Sounds like this guy’s had his head up his ass … or someone else’s … for decades.  

Critics of Nienstedt, also known as “humans” note that this guy is egregious even compared to other Catholic molestor-enablers.  Minnesota Lawyer Jeff Anderson describes the abuse under Nienstedt’s supervision (quote) “among the most grave we’re ever encountered” (end quote).  And as if to demonstrate the astounding extent to which he doesn’t get it, when describing his renewed commitment to protecting children from sexual abuse, the words he chose were promising to (I shit you not this is what he said) “take a more hands on approach” (end quote).

Minnesota Priest Refuses to resign; defends handling of sex abuse scandal:

And in “Psychics prophesize failure to predict things, thus failing” news … Exactly zero of the thousands of self-proclaimed magical people in the world, have managed to cash in on the long-standing enormous money offer from famous skeptic James Randi.  So assuming magic clearly exists … It seems every single prophet, astrologer, warlock, and faith healer … has an ethical dilemma about taking a million dollars from an atheist and donating it to charity.

Most interesting, from an ethical perspective, is the fact that it’s only the real wizards that refuse to take the test.  Because the fake ones are just lining up…

As many of you may know, the James Randi Educational Foundation has offered a one million dollar prize to anyone that can demonstrate a supernatural ability under legitimate experimental conditions.  This has existed since 1996, and was also offered in smaller sums going back to 1964.  So again, given magic clearly exists, that’s half a century of assholes that can do magic, but won’t share it with the world unless they’re standing next to a dumbwaiter.

But it’s worth noting that the Million Dollar Challenge isn’t limited to warlocks and astrologers.  It covers all kinds of bullshit esoteric claims like being able to audibly differentiate between Monster Cables and a cable that costs 90% less.

Since the prize was first offered, over a thousand wizards have been tested, and none of them have even passed the preliminary test, designed by the wizard, and agreed upon in advance by both parties as a pre-requisite proof of concept.  This fact is cited by critics, suggesting Randi is using anti-magic and confundus charms to hinder applicants.  This same fact is cited by Randi as evidence that magic doesn’t exist.

That’s the funniest part of this thing to me.  They make sure that every claimant agrees that the testing protocol is fair beforehand.  So 100% of the claimants will tell you before the test that the metrics are fair; and almost the same percentage will tell you afterwards that they aren’t.

The most recent attempt at the million – by Dragon Ball Z character, Mr. Fei Wang – was the final event at TAM 2014 in Las Vegas last month.  If you don’t know already … Show of hands … Who thinks he won the million? … You guys are a smart audience … So despite Wang’s best efforts, during his preliminary test, he was unable to shoot invisible energy balls through cardboard, any better than placebo Goku, Jamy Ian Swiss.  In fact, Liu Kang was clearly worse.  The data from that experiment show Mr. Swiss is actually batting a thousand at shooting invisible energy balls.  Next year at TAM, he may fight Raiden.

Qi-gonger loses MDC:

And in “Mike and Mike in the Morning Mass” news tonight, Congressional Republicans Mike Enzi and Mike Kelly have proposed legislation that would protect the rights of religious adoption agencies to violate the rights of other people.  The bill uses vague language to avoid actually saying “fudge-packers” in the bill, instead carrying on with references to “sincerely held religious beliefs” and the “moral convictions of the provider.”  This is obviously a political ploy to allow southern representatives to later argue that they thought the bill was to keep white kids from being adopted by the negroes.

It’s adoptions or abortions … Can’t have it both ways.

Now, I think it’s worth noting exactly what they’re trying to protect here.  Even in the states that fully recognize gay marriage, there’s no law that says that adoption agencies have to give kids to gay couples.  It’s just that some of them say that state-funded adoption agencies have to.  So it’s okay to use needy children as a political weapon in your futile effort to maintain pre-renaissance morality, you just can’t do it on the taxpayer’s dime.  Which means that the proposed bill wouldn’t so much insulate the adoption agencies from anti-discrimination laws, since they’re already exempted from them.  It would protect the bigots rights to have their bigotry financed by the government.

Basic freedoms … Now I’m aware that people hate to hear about boring shit like relevant data, but they’re gonna today.  Numerous recent studies show that children raised by same-sex couples are – if anything – given better parenting on average.  

Well sure, obviously, because all gay parents and intentionally parents.  You can’t accidentally become a gay parent.

Right, they weren’t born gay parents.  It’s a choice.  But for all practical purposes, potential adopters should really only need to outperform orphanages.  Gay parents beating straight parents was gravy.

And the gays do like their gravy.  Catholic adoption agencies have grown particularly adept at the weaponization of orphans over the past decade.  In several instances they’ve famously shut down adoption services statewide rather than abide by the principles of equality.  They’ve literally stopped helping children altogether because they’ve prioritized their malignant xenophobia over the welfare of parentless children.  And think about what a sacrifice it is for a bunch of Catholic priests to just walk away from a bunch of helpless, rape-ripe orphans.  So they’re serious about this shit.

Yeah … “Weaponized Orphans” … That actually happened.  Church-run shelters in Colorado and Illinois basically threatened to throw an orphan out of the airplane every ten minutes, until they got their bigotry subsidy check from the government.

New law would shield religious adoption agencies from discrimination laws:

And from the “Awkward but Well-funded Reunion” file, this year marks the tenth anniversary of the legal settlement in which the Roman Catholic Diocese of Lafayette – in Louisiana – paid out twenty-six million dollars to 123 victims of sexual abuse at the hands of their clergy, dating back to the 1950’s.  Given such a large sum of money, the church feels it’s tacky to ask about minutiae like: “Who are the pedophiles?”

Right… because what were they buying for their twenty-six large if not the retroactive consent of the victims?

In response to justified suspicion that some of the guilty priests are still at large (and even still practicing), The Daily Adviser emailed the diocese, asking which ones – specifically – are the known rapists.  Their response was basically: “Why? … No! … You are!” … According to a response email from the in-house publicist they require, the bishop in charge of the place, Michael Jarrell, (quote) “sees no purpose in such action.” (end quote) … No purpose!!!

I believe they then added (quote) “Do you know how hard it is to fuck kids these days when you’re a Catholic Priest?  Even the four and five year olds have heard about us by now.  If we told you their names they wouldn’t stand a chance.” (end fake quote)

“So we’ll just need those names, so we can get the anklets installed.” …

“I believe our insurance company paid their debt to society.  Haven’t these pedophiles been punished enough?!?” … No.  No they have not … 

And by the way, I bet the Tea Party would get on board, if you could get settlements like this from your ObamaCare plan.  Jesus is a lot like a pre-existing condition for these kids.  It’s not their fault.

Society: “Which ones are known rapists?” … Church: “Why do you ask?”

And in “Answers in Carcino-Genesis” news tonight, Christianity has discovered the cure for cancer.  And it turns out, and you probably saw this coming, it’s a cross that rises a twenty-third of a mile into the air.  The giant cancer-killing cross is the Kidney-child of couple of Alabama businessmen who are sick and damn tired of the largest cross in the country being in that there state what Lincoln come from.  They hope to raise the estimated $750,000 needed to construct the monstrosity through a crowdfunding site that says, in no uncertain terms, that building giant crosses can cure cancer.  And divorce.

And cancer and divorce keep existing … so “BIGGER!!! … MORE PERPENDICULAR!!!” …

“You idiots!!!  God’s looking from above.  Now he’s gonna think we’re Satanists.  Print ‘THIS SIDE UP’ on the top.”

The miraculous claims come under the “How can I help?” section of the website and somewhere amidst the time-cube level logic (and website presentation), the project’s leaders assert that the giant torture-device-replica could, through the simple merit of being seen by a passing heathen motorist, turn them back to Jesus.  And, as almost goes without saying, thereby heal their devil-cancer and save their marriage.

So the cross won’t even help Christians … It’s a reminder for heathen drifters … Lance Armstrong riding around … “Between divorce and testicle cancer, I’ve literally lost half my shit … I’m so depressed–Oooohhh!!!  What’s that plus sign-y thing?”  

The website also shares the miraculous vision that prompted then 32 year old Jon Butler to dedicate himself to spending double a soup kitchen’s decadal budget building a giant lower-case “t.”  I won’t spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say that before the holy spirit filled him with this vision, the tapedeck on his Chevy Astrovan used to eat cassette tapes.  Afterwards?  Well, like I said, I’m not gonna spoil it.

Giant Alabama cross could heal cancer, promises people trying to build said giant cross:

And in “Jesus Swallows … turns the other cheek, and swallows again” news, Oak Ridge Alliance Church – of Oak Ridge, Tennessee – decided to teach the virtue of forgiveness, with a blow job metaphor on their marquee.  The following message adorned the large sign on their front lawn … at least until one single person who’s heard of mouth sex saw it … (quote) “Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit.” (end quote) …

It’s a shame more pastors don’t read “The Friendly Atheist” blog because Hemant’s been trying to tell them.  Before you go live with the marquee, just run it by one honest fourteen year old.

So I guess … (awful swallowing noise) … Jesus forgives you.  And he clearly fellated some dudes against his will, for our sins … So let’s all be grateful … Okay, we did shitting last week … So speaking of blumpkins … Everyone google “blumpkin”, by the way … I’ll wait …

Because the key to a blumpkin is patience.  You don’t want to finish before you finish.

Blumpkin Donuts: Breakfast of Champions … Moving on quickly–I’m thinkin’ we give the advertising department over at Oak Ridge Alliance Church, some new ideas for the marquee.  We’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Oral Sex” … GO!!!

“Being a Mohel”

“Happy Meals at Chick Fil-A-tio”

“Joshua’s Rusty Trumpet”

“Kneeling Before the Salter”

“The Hobby Lobby Knobby Slobby”… cause I’ve got a belief right here you can “firmly hold”

“Cradling the Holy Sack-rament” … or for the heathens: “Cupping the Baals”

“Tempting the Serpent Right Back”

“Head of the Class in Seminary Fluid Dynamics”

“The Slurpin’ on the Mount”

“Praying to the Foreskin Flute”

“Finding the Little Man in the Ark”

“Ridding Congressional Members of their Boehner” … “Oh what a lovely Tea Party”

“Chrome Your Dome of the Rocks”… “and the rocks”

“Rendering the Tossed Salad Unto Caesar” … AKA “rim Job”

“Kissing the Pope’s other ring”

“Easter Egg McMuff Diving” … No fur burgers until after 11am.

Yeah, because before that she has ‘morning gash’.  Anyway… how about “Spreading the word of oh my god?”

“Box Lunch at the Convent: Licking the Habit”

“Gargling in Tongues”

“Playing the Fallopian Tuba Below the Rod and Staff” … Polishing up on scales is the worst … Nobody enjoys …

If you break your Ramadan fast by licking jelly out of an asshole it’s called, “Eid al Shitter”

“Humming Along with the Pipe Organ”

Addition to the list of things I’ve now had to say to my wife because of this show: “It doesn’t have to be blowjobs, though.  It can be cunlingus or ass-tonguing as well… or teabagging.”

One of the better church marquees:

And finally tonight, from the “Stand Your Fudge Round” file, the First Baptist Church of Royal Palm Beach has discovered a new way of helping put roofs over the heads of the homeless; you can have them arrested.  The inspiration came when a cleaning lady employed by the church caught a homeless man stealing cookies that were meant for the homeless, at which time she called 911 to report the aggravated wafer-mastication.  This might sound like an overreaction to some, but keep in mind, we’re talking about Florida, a state where it’s legal to kill somebody for carrying Skittles, so it’s not like normal earth.

“And he had a hoodie … And a shitty drink nobody likes … Arizona?!?  Really?!?  SNAPPLE PEACH ICED TEA!!!  All about the Snapple peach iced tea!!! … What an asshole!!!”

Despite the facts that the church regularly feeds the homeless and the estimated value of “2014’s Great Snickerdoodle Heist” was around two dollars and twenty-five cents, the church elected to press charges, explaining that it was for the vagrant’s own good.  They argued on their Facebook page that he wasn’t just eating cookies.  He was also drunk or high or something probably.  Because he’s homeless.  And homeless people take drugs.

“This is a church … You can’t just show up and expect us to hand out tax-break subsidized Jesus cookies every week.  That would be crazy.”

Luckily the Palm Beach “Sesame Street Crime Unit” was on hand and acted quickly before any more Oreos could be forcibly bifurcated.  There are mixed reports that the perpetrator was on probation at the time for taking extra sips at the 7-11 soda machine, though reports that he could be the infamous Palm Beach “Pie cooling on a windowsill” bandit remain unconfirmed.

Florida church has homeless man arrested for aggravated cookie eating:

And with the reassurance that this malefactor is behind bars where he belongs, we’ll kind of close the headlines segment for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, we’re gonna still be doing headlines.



This Week in Misogyny:

I’d like to dedicate this week’s segment to one of my all time favorite jews, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who could probably kick Jesus’s ass even at her advanced age.

The wily old Supreme Court Justice is continuing to not shut up about the court’s recent (and horribly misguided) decision in the Hobby Lobby case.  Speaking to an audience of law students last week, she pointed out that’s it nifty that some of the guys on the Supreme Court are getting behind the idea of equal rights for the three percent of the population that’s gay; but it would also be nice if they could extend that to the fifty-one percent that aren’t men.

When asked about her charge of hypocrisy from the Roberts court, Chief Justice John Roberts pointed out that she was probably just PMSing or menopausing or whatever.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Hobby Lobby case:

But as dismissive as the court is of women’s rights, it turns out that one group of voters is paying attention… women.  A new poll by “Hart Research Associates” suggests that the majority of female American voters would not vote for a candidate that supports the Supreme Court’s decision to prioritize the wishes of imaginary men over those of real women.  Crazy.

Majority of female voters won’t vote for a candidate that supports Hobby Lobby ruling:

But the New York based “Satanic Temple” is seeking to use the errant ruling for the powers of good.  Citing their own “religious” belief that science is right and superstition is wrong, they claim that the “informed consent” laws that require women seeking abortions to listen to a religiously-inspired, factually dubious screed about how evil baby-murder is a violation of their religion.  Specifically their sincerely held belief that superstition and invasive medical procedures don’t mix.

When reporters asked legal experts about the case, they were doubtful that anything would come of it; to which the Satanic Temple replied, “Reporters asked you about it, didn’t they?  Then something came of it.”  In other words, of course they’re going to lose this fight.  And in so doing they’re going to expose the fact that in today’s legal landscape, corporations are people in ways that people could only dream of, and I’d say that’s a victory.

Satanists try to use Hobby Lobby ruling for the powers of good:

And finally tonight, we have something that starts out looking like a glimmer of hope in the middle east, but isn’t.  A female anchor on the Saudi news channel Al Ekhbariya appeared on screen boldly showing the top of her head and side-cheek.

But no, this isn’t a step forward… it’s an accident that the network apologized for almost immediately with the explanation that she was broadcasting out of the Infidel city of London, but they’d have been sure to throw some acid on her if she tried that shit back home.  And they also promised that it would never happen again.

That being said, if you want one bad enough, I suppose you can find a glimmer of hope in Saudi Arabia.  For instance, over the last few years, women have been permitted to work as cashiers at supermarkets and lingerie shops, so who knows, maybe we’ll see bicycling without a chaperone in our lifetimes.

Female Anchor on Saudi TV doesn’t wear headscarf. Paternalistic assholes outraged:

That’s not all the misogyny I’ve got for the week, but it is all the time I’ve got, so I’ll hand things over to Noah and Heath so they can undermine the point of this segment with a few rape jokes.


News Briefs:

Rejoining me for an abbreviated additional headlines segment tonight is noun.  Noun, preposition pronoun adjective?


Alright then.  From the “I Bet it’s not Really Gourmet” file tonight, Mary’s Gourmet Diner in Winston-Salem, North Carolina got an impromptu social-media ad campaign this week when their policy of offering a 15% discount to people who pray before they eat.  While the people getting the discount seem thrilled, others have pointed out that it’s thinly veiled bigotry.  The diner’s management dismiss those charges by pointing out that it’s not that they’re charging atheists more, they’re just charging Christians less.  So it’s not discrimination, it’s just… regular scrimination.

Maybe Christians can use that money for good somehow … Hmmm???  What can you do with 15 percent of the bill at the end of a meal … Buy thousands of tiny pamphlets, and give them to restaurant workers??? … They’ll come up with something.

15% off for talking to yourself:

And in “Geico Offers Atheist Discount” news, <Geico joke fresh off the 15% off joke… he’s on fire!> Indiana motorists Prionda Hill and Anthony Oliveri were almost murdered by God in Fort Wayne last month, when the deity hijacked Hill’s Pontiac Grand Prix … then either merged badly or briefly stopped existing … and finally proceeded to drive it over Oliveri’s motorcycle and adjacent sprawling human body.  Does collision cover acts of god?

If Jesus loved you, you wouldn’t be driving a Pontiac, living in Indiana or named “Prionda.”

God’s worse at driving than women:

And in “Now Why Will Congressman Check into Sleazy Motels?” news, assistant House Whip Steven Palazzo went all Gideon last week and sent bibles to all 535 members of Congress, including the token Muslim.  The bibles came with a letter encouraging all legislators to let god’s word preempt petty mortal things like statistics and expert recommendations when it comes to making life and death decisions for their constituents.

That’s nice and everything, but it’s a little too late for Gabrielle Giffords to wear a Bible attached to her face.  She’s not even in Congress anymore.  Late – awkward.

…quitter.  Speaking on behalf of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, Barry Lynn suggested perhaps Palazzo consult a slightly more modern guide to governance that his fellow Tea-Party members ejaculate about almost as often as the bible.  You know, that founding document that protects your right to bring your elephant gun to Target?  That’s the one.

Republican whip sends bibles to every member of congress:

And in “Poophole Loophole 2.0” news … It’s been over a year and a half since Washington State cleverly legalized gay marriage and marijuana on the same day, thus allowing men to lie together and get stoned, like Leviticus teaches.  Colorado already has the weed taken care of, but thanks to a recent homophobic ruling by the state supreme court, they won’t yet have the gay marriage part.  So for now, it’s just a bunch of dudes standing around getting stoned.  Couch?  Love seat?

I was picturing “giant champagne glass-shaped hot tub filled with vaseline,” but I usually am.

Colorado attempts to complete 2nd leg of Washington’s trick from below: <<AND>> Washington State’s 2012 Leviticus Trick:

And in “Learning to Count with Herpes Simplexes” news tonight, a quick update to last week’s herpetic jewish pedophile story.  You’ll recall us talking last week about two babies contracting genital herpes from having their recently mutilated cocks orally massaged by grown men with festering mouth sores.  Well, it turns out that the Orthodox Jewish community has taken action and banned these two particular disease-ridden rabbis from sucking baby cock.  They’ll have other, less viral people suck the baby cock like civilized human beings, so glad to see that they learned their lesson.

Great … They’re gonna take this on a case by case basis … “If a baby gets syphilis, we’ll ban syphilis.  Very simple.”

Herpetic Mohels banned:

And with that we’re gonna actually close headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks again.

I’ll be honest, I was surprised you were ready to go again so soon.  Not bad for a guy your age.  You can make up for a lot with good girth and good reboot time.

And when we come back we almost certainly won’t still be doing headlines.




Last name, first name, middle initial?

Christ, Jesus H.

Are you the Jesus H. Christ?

Well actually…

…from Twitter?

…no.  That’s some other guy.

Okay.  Here’s your number.  If you’d like to take a look at some of these pamphlets while you’re waiting.

Do you have them in Aramaic?

Is that what the terrorist language?


(Seat creaks, papers rattle)

Psst… hey buddy, you here for the defensive driving course?



So… what did you do?

Took the wheel for some crazy bitch in Indiana and creamed a motorcyclist.

Heh… nice.

“Christ, Jesus H.”

That’s me…

Good luck, buddy.


My name is Edward McKinnon, I’ll be your driving instructor today.  Are you ready for your exam?

Yeah, I guess.  I just don’t understand why everybody’s making such a big deal about this.  I’ve been driving since there were cars for my sake.

Look buddy, the only reason you’re not sitting in a jail cell right now is because your dad has connections.  At the time of the accident your blood alcohol level was “wine”.

It started as water…

Follow me, please.

(Door opens, outdoor noises)

Which car is yours, Mr. Christ?

The one over there with the me-fish…

Is that tint legal?

Through a glass darkly, baby.

(doors open and close) (throat clear) (car starts)


Um… I resurrect so I don’t know if that’s exactly necessary.

It’s the law.

Even if you’re immortal?

It’s the law.


(Seatbelt noise)

Has this vehicle passed emissions testing?

Trust me, that’s not gonna matter.  Where we goin?

Now, I want you to pull out of this parking lot and make a left at the stop sign.

And away we go…

(Turn signal noise)

You can disengage the turn signal now.

Easy for a guy with no holes in his hand to say.  One second.  (Squishy sound)

Now maintain this lane until you reach the…

(Window rolls down)

…There’s no need to… hey, you can’t stick your head out the window while you’re driving!

(honking) “I love me, baby!”

Get back in here!

Sorry… the bumper sticker, right?  How could I not?

Could you please roll the window back up?

Okay, but first check this out.  I stick my hand out the window and…


Very amusing, Mr. Christ.  Now please roll up the window.

(Window rolls up)

You’ll want to slow down.  The speed limit in this area is 45.

Chill out.


Slow down, Mr. Christ.  There’s water on the road up there.

I invented hydroplaning, dude.

Look out!

(Squealing tires, Car crashes)


So… did I pass?

Are you fucking kidding me!?  You broke every driving law we have… you’re clearly inebriated and I’ve got a crossing guard’s sign sticking through my intestines!  Of course you didn’t pass!

Are you sure about that?  Because that wound looks pretty severe…

What are you trying to say?

It would just be a shame if I suddenly unforgave you.

You heartless bastard!

Dad!  Eddie McKinnon called me a…

Alright!  Damn it, you pass.

Apology accepted.  Tell uncle Pete I said “hi.”

(Slide whistle)



What the fuck is… Wicca?

Wicca began in the 1950s as an attempt by horny men to see more naked women, and has since morphed into a means by which horny spiritualists of both genders can ogle one anothers genitals.

While most Wiccans will tell you the faith dates back tens of thousands of years, the truth is that they’re full of shit.  The faith began in the early fifties and was first referenced in works by Gerald Gardner beginning in 1954.  Additional authors with increasingly absurd pen names have continued to develop the faith over the past six decades to create an impossibly garbled web of nonsense and deepities.

Because of this lack of centralization, the definition and beliefs of Wiccans vary greatly from region to region, coven to coven and individual to individual.  These differences are largely overlooked within the neo-pagan community because they’re all too stoned to give a shit and most of them are going to give up on this silly Wicca thing by the time they’re twenty-six anyway.

There are a few core beliefs that can be found in almost all iterations of Wicca.  One is the duotheistic nature of their theology and an emphasis on both male and female aspects of god.  Many if not most Wiccans tend to focus the majority of their worship on the goddess figure because she’s the one with the boobs.

Another common tenet of the faith is an open and progressive attitude toward sex.  Nudity, sex and masturbation play an integral part in many Wiccan rituals, and while their attitude is a welcome contrast to the prudery of most religious traditions, in practice sex-positive is often utterly indistinguishable with sex-coercive.

At its core, Wicca is a nature religion, worshipping trees, flowers, insects and other things that look trippy when you’re on acid.  This is often expressed in a dangerously stupid belief in herbal therapies, nonsense-based medical treatments; and gross misapplications of the word “energy.”

But the most visible aspect of Wicca is their belief in ritual magic.  Just in case nobody was going to make fun of them, Wiccans have a series of what they call “elemental weapons” which include a magic wand, a magic knife, a handful of polyhedral dice and a character sheet.  They use these weapons to call upon spirits such as the “Undines of the East,” the “Sylphs of the North,” the “Salamanders of the South,” and I’m serious.

Wicca draws upon both misinterpretations of ancient pagan rituals and misinterpretations of modern hermetic rituals in an attempt to multiply bullshit by horseshit.  This leads to a convoluted ritual structure that is impossible to take seriously even by those performing it.  In fact, the simple ability to utter phrases like “I banish you, Salamanders of the South,” with a straight face is the single qualification for the title of “Wiccan High Priest.”

Of course, you can’t have a serious discussion of the Wiccan faith without bringing up the strong lunar influence in their beliefs, so I won’t.


Bible Story:

“Run grab yer young ‘uns, folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible stories for Kids!”

Gather round, boys and girls.  Today we’re gonna open our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the Old Testament’s most admirable mass murderers, Samson.  And like all good biblical heroes, Samson tortures animals, massacres the innocent, vandalizes property, cons his friends, treats his wife like shit and racks up a huge body count.

But before any of that happened… in fact, even before he was born, an angel came to his mother.  Or at least, that’s what his mother told his father when his impotent father came home and found his wife pregnant.  But Samson’s father doubted his wife’s tale, which is the last time in this entire story that somebody will act in accordance with logic.

The angel told his mother that Samson would be a “Nazirite,” which meant that he had special magical Jew-powers as long as he never cut his hair.  So Samson grew up to be a super-strength scraggly hippy and eventually his balls dropped and he set off to find some sweet Philistine ass.  He saw a woman named Timnah in town and decided she looked young and moist, so he headed to her house to ask for her hand in marriage.

But along the way, Samson was attacked by a lion because sometimes the bible follows the Michael Bay rule of random action beats.  So Samson kicked the lion’s ass and tore it into pieces because dismembering animals is very heroic.  Then he went to Timnah’s house and she agreed to marry him.  But on the way home to tell his parents the good news, he came back across the shredded corpse of the lion he’d fought and while he was gone, some silly bees had built a nest in it’s rancid intestines!

Well, like anybody would if they came across a bee’s nest in a rotting carcass, he decided to eat a handful of honey out of it and files the moment away in case he ever needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle.

So a few days later, Samson was at a party and needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle, so he said, “I bet you can’t guess what I ate some honey out of,” and while the Philistines explained that that wasn’t exactly a riddle, Samson went on to promise them all nice new clothes if they could figure out the answer.

But Samson made the mistake of trusting a woman.  He told his fiancee the answer and she told it to the thirty Philistines.  So they came back and demanded all the nice new clothes Samson had promised them.  But Samson was as clever as he was homicidal so instead of buying new clothes, he just killed thirty random people, stripped them naked and gave the Philistines their clothes.

He also decided he didn’t want his wife anymore so he gave her to a friend.  But then he changed his mind and decided he wanted her after all.  But it was too late because his friend was already dicking her.

Samson was very angry so he set a couple of foxes on fire and sent them running through her family’s farms, burning all the food they would need to stay alive over the winter.  Needless to say, they were very upset and went to Samson’s family and demanded he be turned over for justice.

Well, they turned him over alright.  They tied him up and gave him to an army of innocent people who were just doing their job to keep the peace.  But Samson broke through his binds, grabbed the discarded jawbone of a donkey and murdered all of them with it.  And it must have been pretty gruesome because if you think about it, the only way to logically kill somebody with a jawbones is to gouge their eyes out, stick it in their ear or cram it up their ass.  So it probably got pretty messy.

But just when all the homicide was going so well for Samson, along came a woman named Delilah.  And like pretty much all the women who come along in bible stories, she was bad news.  But Samson didn’t care because she had a vagina.  But even better, she was into kinky bondage and discipline stuff, like when a mommy crams a ball gag into a daddy’s mouth and whips his scrotum with a riding crop.

But little did he know, her kink was actually a clever ploy to capture him and make him dance like a monkey.  So after a couple of really obvious failed attempts to discover his kryptonite, Samson eventually tells her that he would be completely powerless if he cut his hair.  So she cut his hair.  Because women in the bible are pretty much always evil.  Or raped.  Or killed.  Or all three.

So once he was sporting the Patrick Stewart look, Delilah helped the Philistines capture him and poke out his eyes.  And then they chained him up so people could come and throw shit at him.  But they kept him chained up so long that eventually his hair grew back and he pulled the building down from within, killing himself, Delilah and all the evil people who had captured him.  And nobody lived happily ever after because they were all crushed to death.

The end.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the part of the show where we answer questions, correct errors, feign apologies and offer superfluous explanations of what “listener feedback” means.

Our first message comes in the form of a correction.  We already spent a big chunk of a feedback segment clarifying our story about Liberty University’s new medical program, but Danny writes us to point a mistake we missed.  I got the city right (Lynchburg) but I got the state wrong.  As Danny points out, (quote)

“It’s not Lynchburg, Tennessee, (home of pretty good bourbon), but rather Lynchburg, Virginia, (home of not much).

And I’d also like to preemptively correct Danny’s correction by pointing out that Jack Daniels is a long way from “pretty good bourbon.”

Yes, so one more time, because this is important.  It’s the place named after murdering black people in Virginia, not the place named after murdering black people in Tennessee.

Our next email comes from Mr. “A Color” from “A Place” emails to ask why I’m so much more of a podcast whore than Heath.  He writes;

“I hear you a lot of the time on other podcasts such as Cognitive Dissonance, and The Imaginary Friend Show, but usually Heath doesn’t appear. Just curious as to why that is.”

Would you invite me to say words on your show?!?  Noah edits out about 95 percent of the things I say.  You guys only hear the clean stuff … That being said, I am capable of lifting my hand from the third rail if needed, so if invited, I’d be happy to appear on other shows more often in the future, when I can more easily afford to devote the extra time.  And generous patreons can help make that happen.

So for the record, Heath and I split all the money that doesn’t go to new equipment or hosting down the middle.  Patreon, PayPal, the book… 50/50.  That being said, since he’s in New York and I’m in Podunk, Georgia, I can pay my rent, my utilities, my insurance, my cable, my phone bill, my Guatemalan masseuse, buy a months worth of groceries and an eight ball for the same amount Heath pays to share an apartment with two other dudes.

So all I can afford beyond the rent, is the masseuses and the eight balls.  New Yorkers learn to make sacrifices.

Anyway, end result is that I’m able to do this full time, Heath still has a real job, so I’m a lot easier to schedule for other appearances.  That and everybody’s afraid Heath will make AIDS jokes… in a bad way.

And finally, we had a Facebook message from one of earth’s top eleven people, April, asking for advice on dealing with the cookie-baking Christians Noah talked about in his diatribe a couple of weeks ago.  Specifically, she wondered how to respond when a sweet old lady at work says, “It’s okay, honey, god loves you.”

So I guess this has top ten written all over it, huh?

For April?  Anything.  So top ten answers to a sweet old lady telling you god loves you.

  • 10 – “I know, but sometimes I feel like it’s only for my dick.”
  • 9 – “If he really loved me, he’d bring me some milk… and the Crown Royal bag in my glove compartment … Thanks old lady!!!”
  • 8 – “Sure didn’t seem like it when he burned my tongue with that communion wafer.”
  • 7 – “God loves me?!? … Uhhh … And I really love … hanging out with God.”
  • 6 – “Yeah, but that slut loves everybody.
  • 5 – “Write me a check for seven dollars, and I might love him back.”
  • 4 – “I’m sorry, did you say ‘Gollum’s a Jew?’”
  • 3 – “But he sure doesn’t love the coloreds … Am I right, old lady?!? … She knows.”
  • 2 – “Then why does he always want to fuck me from behind?”
  • 1 – “Allah akbar.  Go away.”

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, keep sending those Tweets, emails, Facebook messages, and blog comments.



Before we get to the prestige tonight, I wanted to encourage you one more time to check out Adam’s site and give if you can.  It’s a great opportunity to help an atheist that needs your help.  Again, you can find links to donate on our homepage, along with links to episodes of his show where you find more details about Iman’s story.  Oh, and incidentally, if the Ray Comfort sketch tested your bladder, that’s Adam’s fault so be sure to direct your anger (and stream) toward him on that one.

That’s all we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  Like I mentioned in the Feedback segment, I’m a bit of a podcast whore so when Thomas from Atheistically Speaking invited me on to talk about the situation in Gaza I didn’t let my downright embarrassing lack of expertise slow me down.  You can find our conversation on episodes 55 and 56 of his show, both of which you’ll find linked on the shownotes and transcript for this episode.

I also need to thank Lucinda for knocking another Bible Story out of the park as well as all the other contributions she makes to the show every week.  Of course I need to thank Heath for bringing his endearing breed of faux-bigotry and shit jokes to this enterprise; definitely couldn’t make this show happen every week without him.

Of course, I also need to thank Adam for joining us tonight and I need to thank Chuck, Willie and “little monkey Chuck” from “Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories” podcast.  If you just can’t get enough “Damn are Mormons wacky” in your life, you’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people; Stephen, Roger, Thomas, Jeremiah, Johanna, Gerard, Tony, Daniel, Matt and David.  Stephen, Roger and Thomas, who are so virile they have to put a condom on when they sext; Jeremiah, Johanna and Gerard, who are so clever they just convinced Muhammad that mountains are overrated; and Tony, Daniel, Matt and David, whose mighty fists are measured in Sharknados per meter squared.

Together these ten august, benevolent, charitable, distinguished, extraordinary, fucktastic, gracious, honorable individuals aided our quest to decimate the decalogue this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the alphabetical list of positive attributes required to give us money, but if you think you’re up for the challenge, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com; which will earn you bonus stuff; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.

Also, there’s one donor who I forgot to thank a couple weeks ago.  They got in touch with me and I filed it away in my head to compliment the shit out of them tonight, but then I couldn’t remember if they got in touch through email or Twitter or Facebook or Patreon or the Blog or what and I couldn’t find the message when I was putting together this week’s outro.  So a thousand apologies.  Please send me one last email and I will let the world now how incredibly above average your genitals are.

And, of course, you can also help us a ton for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or checking us out on Stitcher.  And apparently leaving a review on Stitcher is a huge pain in the ass so don’t worry so much about that, but if you like to listen on the go, definitely check us out on Stitcher and help push our rank up there.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 72 – Partial Transcript

July 3, 2014 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.

BUY THE BOOK (Paperback) (EBook)






(For a complete list of links, please check out the shownotes under the “Shownotes” tab)


Warning: You can blame the Supreme Court for most of the profanity in this episode.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Apostate Farm Spiritual Insurance.

Are your teenagers starting to show signs of doubt?  Have they taken to sinful vices like asking questions and reading?  Well act now to lock in their absolution before somebody introduces them to the Euthyphro dilemma and the problem of evil.

Apostate Farm; because indulgences are making a comeback.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s July 3rd,

And Ken Ham’s Ark still doesn’t have the engine power to jump a shark like he wants.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Plaza Hotel” New York, New York,

And “Grits Carlton” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Murder suspects in Nigeria can now avoid jail by pleading ‘atheism’,
  • The SCOTUS will let Volkswagen send their Jewish employees to the special camps outlined by their sincerely held religious belief,
  • And if you see a suspicious package, you’re probably at a glory hole.

But first, the diatribe.



December will mark the five year anniversary of the last time I was in a church.  I’d been an atheist for quite some time by then, but my wife and I were visiting my parents for the holidays and after much cajoling, my dad talked me into attending the Christmas service.  He’d found this great church, see?  And I’d get a chance to hear him play in the band and he was doing a little one-man play during the service and it would mean so much to my mom and if I just said yes, he’d shut up about it.

So I put on my Sunday best, loaded up a couple extra episodes of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe and sat near the back.  But it became clear pretty quick that the church was too small and too crowded for me to get away with listening to podcasts the whole time, so instead I listened to all twenty six hours of the service.

It started off fine; a little story about Jesus showing up to wish himself a happy birthday with some destitute family.  And then there was bad music and bad acting (sorry, dad).  And then there was the main sermon (slash) screed in which the guy who pretends god exists for a living and pays no taxes on his home because of it stammered on all spittle-chunking, veiny faced about how persecuted Christians are in ‘Murica nowadays.

Now, when you and I hear “persecution” we think of the systematic mistreatment of one group by another, since that’s what that word means.  But Christians apparently understand “persecution” about as well as they understand “evolution”.

Exhibit A is the fact that the persecutory slight that elicited the ire of my dad’s preacher was some waitress wishing him “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”.  That’s right.  Failing to acknowledge the cultural supremacy of their savior’s birthday is persecution.

It’s their “go to” accusation at this point.  They’re being “persecuted”.  Anytime they lose a privilege that they never should have had in the first place, they cry persecution.  In fact, if you go to “persecution dot com”, you’ll find a CHRISTIAN WEBSITE there.

Being forced to stop leading public school students in prayer is “persecution”.  Being forced to serve gay people despite their brazen butt-fuckery?  That’s persecution too.  In fact, when Mississippi passed that bullshit law that allowed businesses to discriminate against gays, a bunch of businesses put stickers in their windows letting everyone know that gays were welcome in that particular business and the Christians called that persecution.  We’re talking about a sticker that basically said, “We promise not to persecute anyone” and “The American Family Association” called that persecution.

And look, if it was just a bunch of silly hate-groups like the American Family Association pissing, whining and redefining, it would hardly be worth getting worked up over.  But apparently this mutant definition of persecution has worked it’s way up to the god damned Supreme Court.

Now think about this for a second; if you strip away all the legalese, the real issue at stake in this Hobby Lobby case was the fact that the Christian owners of this business think that recreational orgasms are evil.  And apparently it doesn’t matter that they’re wrong because they’re religious and according to our courts, being religious is the same as being right.  Hell, their chief claim here is that certain contraceptives cause abortion.  That’s not an esoteric god claim… it’s a demonstrably false claim.  It’s been disproven by science and beyond that, it was already ruled to be demonstrably false in a previous Supreme Court case.  So the Supreme court agrees that they’re wrong… they just don’t give a fuck.

Writing for the slim majority, Samuel Alito said, (quote) “…according to their religious beliefs, the… contraceptive methods at issue are abortifacients.” (end quote)  According to their religious beliefs.  Not according to fact.  In direct contradiction to fact.  Doesn’t matter.  Because it’s a religious claim.

But of course, this isn’t really a case about religious freedom, it’s a case about Christian privilege.  The court didn’t rule in favor of Hobby Lobby because they thought that the ACA violated their religious rights, they ruled the way they did because they, too, think recreational orgasms are evil.  They ruled that way because they’ve accepted the bullshit definition of persecution that the Christians have been peddling for so long.

So they hide behind religious protection even if they have to pretend corporations have religions to get there.  Can we prove that the morning after pill doesn’t cause abortions?  Of course we can.  Can we prove that orgasms aren’t evil?  Of course we can.  Can we prove that universal access to contraception is a good thing?  Of course we can.  Can they provide evidence of any kind to bolster their claim?  Of fucking course they can’t.  But none of that matters, because it’s religion.  And it’s the right religion, too, because you can bet your ass that the Supreme Court that thinks corporations can have religions will feel way different if those corporations start bowing  to Mecca.

Hell, they basically said that in their decision.  They said this ruling doesn’t count for wacky shit like Jehovahs Witnesses not covering blood transfusions or religions that don’t believe in vaccines.  Just this other exactly as wacky shit that happens to line up with the religious beliefs of five-ninths of the Supreme Court.  The very fact that they made a distinction between this case and other similar religious beliefs is proof that this isn’t about religious freedom; it’s about Christian Privilege.  It’s about weaponizing the bible as a tool of discrimination.  It’s about cloaking your political beliefs in religion and protecting your undeserved social dominance.

The majority of the Supreme Court believes that it’s okay to let people make compensatory decisions based on an understanding of human development that’s been outdated since the first time the Wright Brothers got high, as long as their ignorance is sincerely held.  Just that much more evidence that the Supreme Court needs less religion and more vaginas.



Joining me for headlines tonight is still reeling American soccer fan, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to vent?

How does that happen?!?  Belgium’s tiny!!!  I get it … they’re right there next to France, Holland, and Germany.  Basically France with some good Arian genes … But there are enough soccer fields in this country to completely cover Belgium.  We just lost to Mini-France … in a sport!!!  This would be like Puerto Rico beating Team Europe.  

In our lead story tonight, we have the extraordinarily fucked up case of 29 year old Nigerian chemical engineer Mubarak Bala who made the mistake of telling his family he was an atheist.  Shocked by this admission, his family then launched into a series of logical, evidence based arguments in favor of their position… Which is a Nigerian euphemism for beating him, drugging him and locking him in a mental asylum.

And according to Sharia Lawyer Bello Shehu, Bala’s father had the family date-rape and abduct his son … to protect his safety … because (quote) “Once people got [a] glimpse that he is denouncing the existence of God … he could be lynched and the house set on fire.” (end quote) … So instead of anti-lynching measures, northern Nigeria pre-jails atheist lynch victims instead…

Now, I’m no psychiatrist so I don’t want to diagnose him from here, but if your dad holds the Orwellian title of “State Directorate of Societal Reorientation”, (That’s really his title!) maybe you do have to be nuts to tell him that Allah is a fairy tale.  So I’m not saying the dude isn’t crazy, but one way or the other, you’ve got a dude imprisoned for atheism and that’s pretty damn wrong.

Shouldn’t the CIA be inciting a civil war there by now?!?  The bottom half is Christian, and they have oil.

I’m sure they’re working on it.  Mubarak alerted the world to his plight via Twitter using a stolen phone and immediately atheism’s online community leapt to inaction by signing a series of online petitions, or, as I like to call them, atheist prayers.  Of course, I don’t want to downplay the social media campaign entirely, as it was no doubt the “Free Mubarak” hashtag that brought this case to international attention, which led to the London-based International Humanist and Ethical Union to take on his case… by starting another online petition.

Nigerian atheist put in mental ward for atheism:

And in “Up with false hope, down with dope” news, New Zealand had to remind the Universal Church of the Kingdom of God that they have a shitty name with two of’s … and that while they are permitted to blatantly lie in holy books and sermons, the world of advertising won’t tolerate quite that level of dishonesty.  

Take that religion!  You’re immoral by the standards of an industry that pays young women to fuck cheeseburgers on camera.

So this particular church put out an ad that basically claimed: “If you’re suffering from – among other things – deteriorating health and/or incurable diseases, then you’ll probably need to sign up for our Impossible Healing Class.  There’s no charge, but most people donate 10% of their income … or estate.”  

The fucking ad read like they had thirty seconds on the clock for “irresponsible things to claim prayer does”.  Here’s the actual list of things the ad says they can pray away: Incurable disease, undiagnosed illnesses, injuries, weight problems, pill dependency and sick children.  Yes, pray away your insulin dependency and your kid’s leukemia.  By all means.

“Call in the next 10 minutes, and we’ll throw in a free homeopathic elixir bottle … Just add water.”  Mark Hanna – co-founder of the Society for Science-Based Health Care (which shouldn’t have to exist) – noticed the ad, and given his extensive medical expertise, was uniquely qualified to dispute their claim about the prognosis for “incurable diseases”.  He lodged a complaint with an advertising watchdog agency, and since falsehoods are banned, churches pretty much can’t say things in ads anymore.  Good job New Zealand, for treating religion like cigarettes.

Well, unfortunately all the watchdog agency can do is tell them to fuck off, but they’re under no legal obligation to actually fuck off.  I loved the church’s excuse, too; “we’re not curing the problems, we’re helping you convince god to cure your problems.”  It’s basically like paying a hooker to introduce you to her slutty friend.

NZ government orders church to stop making claims that prayers do stuff:

And in “Corruption Junction” news tonight, the Egyptian government has announced a new public education program designed to steer the nation’s youth away from the dangers of atheism.  In what is being hailed as a commendable effort to insure that the high point of Egyptian civilization stays right where it was, the effort is intended to (quote) “confront all issues that negatively affect [youth] and hinder steps of development toward the future” (end quote).  Such hindrances, apparently, include a post Viking-age worldview.

So they’re going for futurism via Islamic fundamentalism?!? … Apparently, after Arab Spring, comes Nuclear Winter???  

Included in the effort to combat rationality are the Ministry of Civic Education, the Endowment Ministry’s “Mosque Management Service”  and a team of psychologists, all working together to find the best possible way of inoculating Egyptian kids against knowledge.  While children’s programs like “Credulous George” and “Where in the Underworld will Carmen Sandiego burn for her impious curiosity?” have been rejected, they are reportedly considering a public service campaigned entitled “The Less You Know”.

“I’m Barrack Hussein Obama – the world’s most famous Muslim – and I’m here to tell you, that women are a fire hazard during menstruation.  Be safe.” … The Less You Know … (Sound effect)

The minister in charge of the program compared it to a previous effort to combat religious extremism, pointing out that much of the violence in Egypt stems from religious extremists and the people those extremists keep killing.  He explained that (quote) “the ongoing conflict will lead youth to either be religious extremists or push them more toward profanity and atheism.” (end quote)  So either we’ll be stuck with a bunch of well-armed, irrational, violent fanatics or we’ll be stuck with atheists that say “fuck” a lot and both of those are pretty bad…

Egyptian government to save it’s populace from atheism:

And in “Throwing the Book of Mormon” news, attorneys for the Utah-based orgy club filed suit against disgruntled former head of their Canadian branch, Winston Blackmore, claiming his new British Columbia splinter sect stole their name by registering in Canada as the “Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints”, without approval from Vatican Salt Lake City.  They also claim he clearly stole their idea of tricking the local government – and a bunch of women – into letting them get away with polygamy.  

And while he was at it, he also stole his name from the evil industrialist in an episode of Captain Planet.  Winston Blackmore?  Really?  It just screams sinister monocle and red button that says “do not press”.  And if you think about it, how awful a person do you have to be before you think, “You know what would help my credibility is if people thought I was the Mormons.”

Said Winston Gargamel Blackmore to the Smurfs … Reports suggest a spokesman for Mormonism threw up a little bit of irony in his mouth when he made the following statement: “When weird polygamist spinoffs of Christianity use our name, it makes us look bad.” … And just in case you were curious, I’m told he did swallow back down the irony vomit, but had some trouble, and made a little bit of this noise: (NOISE!!!)

“And while we’re at it, we’d also like to sue Mitt Romney for the ‘Binders full of women’ thing, which made us look like assholes… and we’d also like to sue Clark Kent for stealing our magic underwear idea.”

So the Mormons are sitting around trying to figure out why book sales are down – and why people keep calling them for “tickets” – and they decided someone’s clearly messing with their trademarks, so it’s time for a lawsuit … “You guys think it might be the Tony Award winning Broadway musical that brutally mocks our entire existence? … Eight times a week in the middle of Manhattan? … Nahhhhhh!!!  It’s gotta be that hugely influential cult leader in western Canada.”

Mormons™ sue polygamist for using their trademarked name:

And in “Sometimes they fuck grown ups” news tonight, Catholic Reverend Sergio Librizzi was arrested in Sicily last Tuesday under allegations that he’d used his position as the head of a Catholic charity for immigrants to procure sexual favors in return for assistance in visa applications.  This “Blowjobs for Amnesty” program has apparently going on for at least five years and, in true Catholic style, was by no means restricted to adults.

Another one of those fun mental images here … Catholic priest out there on the docks in Sicily …   peddling his wares to fugitive stow-aways stepping off the boat … “Cocks for Docs here!!!  Cocks for Docs!!!  Ass ports for Passports!!!”

Librizzi was suspended by the church following his arrest.  Bishop Pietro Maria Fragnelli released a statement condemning the abuse (quote) “Not only because it may be a crime, but because it… seriously damages the dignity of the priestly service” (end quote).  Really, Bishop Fraggle Rock?  You really think you guys still have dignity to lose?  Because the only surprising thing about this is that he also fucked adults.  And plus, I’ve seen your hat.  Nobody with dignity ever wore an upside down pointed cranial scrotum to work.

Yeah maybe they’re hiding the dignity in the scrotum hat … Here’s how desensitized we are to priest sex scandals … The article about this from Religion News Service says: (quote) “The priest’s arrest is particularly embarrassing for the church given Pope Francis’ strong stand in support of the immigrants flooding the area.” (end quote) … So yeah, it’s the immigration issue … That’s the particularly embarrassing part.

Catholic “Blow Jobs for asylum” program called into question:

“And spit … and wipe your chin … and Benvenuto in Italia!!!” … Moving on … In “I believe that we will sin!!!” news, Muslim theocracy nations had extra trouble this year competing at the World Cup, beyond the normal difficulty related to less talented players, and never getting a scrimmage due to international sanctions.  In a perfect storm of lunar cycles, asinine rules, and FIFA governing, the tournament coincides with “The Ramadan” for the first time in 28 years.  

And Ramadan is kind of like a holiday designed by people who want you to think suicide bombing is a good option.

Right, so “The Ramadan” is the month-long, big deal, pain-in-the-ass, Muslim holiday, during which time believers must spend dawn to dusk completely fasting from food, water, sex, and involuntary emotions.  This means Muslim players think God wants them to spend 90 minutes running after a ball in the rainforests of Brazil, without a sip of water, or any food that day.  It also means idiot busboys at my restaurant have their fucking bare feet in the sinks with raw chicken all the time.  Because Allah wants you to bathe in salmonella.

You know, there was a point to Ramadan back when the villages needed to cycle through old people as fast as they could, but I think it’s outlived its usefulness by now.

There’s so much competition in this category, but the dumbest part of this, might be the fact that Muslims can’t even all agree on when Ramadan starts and ends.  Seriously, if you google “Ramadan” it tells you a start and end date, and then says “Dates may vary.”  That’s for real.   It’s supposed to begin and end based on sighting of a crescent moon, but nobody is clear on who has to see the moon.  So if these guys just don’t look at the sky for a few weeks, or if Brazil is overcast, they should be fine.  

Muslim soccer players starve themselves mid-world cup because religion is stupid:

And from the “Just Say Pope” file, Pope Frank Zappa recently weighed in on the international debate on marijuana legalization with a resounding “no.”  The expert in pretending mythology is real that believes in demons and zombies lent both his legal and scientific expertise to the issue, saying at a recent Drug Enforcement conference in Rome (fake quote) “we should at least give the mafia time to find new money launderers before we start fucking with their income.” (end fake quote)

Pope Frankinsensimilla continued: (fake quote) “Messi … Di Maria … Gooooooooaaaaaal!!!!!” (end continued fake quote)

Pope Framphetamine’s statements made it clear that he probably thinks that people who inject the pots see spiders crawling on them while they axe murder their families, but some experts speculate that this is part of a disinformation campaign to lead investigators away from the true source of that papal chimney smoke.  And when I say “experts” I mean me.  And when I say “speculate” I mean pull shit out of my ass.  Because I’m no more of an “expert” on the pope’s bong that he is on marijuana policy and thus have nothing substantive to add to the issue.

Pope says no to legalized weed:

And finally tonight, from the “Boobs, Tubes, and Lubes” file, Pastor John Piper – of the “Ask Pastor John” webcast – insists that watching a TV show that contains nudity, is equivalent to watching porn, which is equivalent to personally stabbing Jesus …

Which says to me that Pastor John is really bad at jacking off.  “Every time I do it I end up with a spear wound in my gut and a crown of pearls… and those aren’t the stigmata most conducive to masturbation.”

Well the gut wound could be useful, but … doesn’t matter.  So in response to a question on a recent show, which suggested drawing what Piper sees as an arbitrary line between Game of Thrones and ‘snuff films’, the pastor said: (quote) “If we choose to […] enjoy or pursue impurity, we take a spear and ram it into Jesus.” … So a kitten dies, and a savior gets impaled? … Well I stabbed Jesus twice since we started the headlines … And I’m not left-handed, so it was harder … More difficult.

And therein lies the key to the distinction.  It’s no great mystery how to tell porn from a show with tits in it: Are people naked long enough for me to from limp back to limp?  If not, it isn’t porn.  You don’t beat off to Game of Thrones… you beat off after Game of Thrones.  To porn.

I do both, but there’s still an obvious difference between porn and nudity … That’s why we have seperate entire words for them.  But if this guy’s gonna try to include HBO and DVDA in the same boycott, it’s like getting falsely accused of cheating on your wife … All the hassle, no new pussy … So let’s come up with some actual porn versions … 30 seconds on the clock … “Pornified TV Shows to Spite the Savior” … GO!!!

Dr. Who’s Your Daddy?

If we’re talking HBO Series, it begins and ends with “Cream On” … Well, ends …

I’m was sure you were going with “So-pornos”.  How about… Charles Enlarge?

“Spunky Brewster”

“The Big Wang Theory”

“Splooge McDuck Tales” … “Fuck Tales with Splooge McDuck”???

And just because I’m sick of people saying it can’t be done: “Whore Minge is the New Black”

“Happy Sprays” … And with a black light, you’ve got “Glowing Stains”

We Love Lucy… from both ends.  Like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs.

Can’t believe we haven’t mentioned any “Inter-racial Little Midget People Handjob” stuff yet … Wouldn’t want to accused of being remiss … or racist … What about “Different Strokes”???

“Honey Boo-Bukkake”… and just try not to let that one conjure any mental image at all, by the way.

Everyone must absolutely google “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” and also “Bukkake” … That’s B-U-K-K-A-K-E … Bukkake.

And when you do, remember, some photoshops can probably get you thrown in jail.

Ok so, inter-racial midget handjobs: check.  Bukkake: check.  As long as we’ve got the Yahtzee sheet right here … We don’t have any “Urine” category stuff yet, so … “Golden Shower Girls”??? … Pee Arthur ???

Yeah, but at their age the golden shower is rarely intentional.  Which reminds me, how about “Breaking Bladder?”

Maybe a gay version: “Piddle Douse on the Faerie” … #1 new show on the Nitrogen Network

…and you better hope it doesn’t drop to number two.

Slippery slope … Shit like “21 Dump Street” … “2 Broke Girls, 1 Cup” … “Thunder Scats”

Christian Math: Looking at naked people = recrucifying Jesus

Well any headlines segment that ends with shit jokes is a good headlines segment, as I always say, so we’ll wrap it up there.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

“Pee Wee’s Spray House”?

And when we come back, Jake Farr Wharton will be here to give the show an air of international allure.

“My Snow-Balled Wife” … “Girth: Va-Ginal Conflict”



It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show, this is the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to get you caught up on all the great atheist, secular and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.

We did all the July stuff last week, but there’s a ton going on in August as well.  We’ll start off this week in San Antonio, where the Freethinkers Association of Central Texas is welcoming David Smalley of Dogma Debate Radio for a showing of the film “My Week in Atheism”, complete with a Q&A.  Doors open a bit after noon and the show starts at one.

The Atheist Alliance of America will be holding their annual convention in Seattle this year, that starts on the 7th of August and runs through the 10th.  Sean Faircloth, Dr. Steven Pinker, Dr. Richard Carrier and more.  And from what I hear, these guys put together one of the best conferences in the country, so if you’re anywhere near Seattle, make that happen.

On the same weekend we have the Oklahoma Freethought Convention starting on August 9th.  That’ll be in Tulsa and will welcome the Secular Coalition for America’s Executive Director Edwina Rogers along with Jamila Bey, CJ Werleman, Nathan Phelps and the author of the Skeptics’ Annotated Bible, Steve Wells.  It’s a two day conference in the part of the country that needs it most.

We’ve also got the 3rd annual Colorado Secular Conference coming up on the weekend of August 15th.  Starts Friday, runs through Sunday and welcomes such notable luminaries as Jamila Bey, Mikey Weinstein, Greta Christina, Matt Dillahunty, Seth Andrews, Hemant Mehta and more, including some comedians, some music… great line up and weed is legal there from what I understand so all kinds of reasons to make it out for this one.

At the end of the month the Pennsylvania State Atheist/Humanist Conference is taking place in Pittsburgh.  Really solid line up there including Jerry Coyne, Annie Laurie Gaylor, Jerry DeWitt, Vickie Garrison, friend of the show Dan Fincke, John Loftus and a lot more.

And finally, no matter where in the world you happen to be, you can join Freethought Blogs 3rd annual online conference.  They’ve done some really cool stuff with it before and though the schedule isn’t set for this year yet, I’ll provide links where you can get the most up to date information as it becomes available.

You’ll find those on the shownotes for this episode along with links for all the events we’ve discussed today.  And if you’re involved with a conference that our audience might want to attend, let me know and I’d be happy to throw you a free plug.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.


This Week in Misogyny:

I know that sometimes it can seem hard to pick your way through all of life’s choices, but have no fear ladies; the powers of paternalism are working hard to save us all that trouble.  So first, let’s get rid of that pesky question of what you should major in.

And it turns out the answer to that question is… nothing.  That’s the advice of Rabbi Shalom Cohen, the spiritual leader of the Shas Political party in Israel, who reminds women in college that they’re taking up valuable seat space that could have a scrotum in it.  In a strongly worded letter to the ultra-orthodox community, he warned about the dangers of women seeking higher education.

In the letter, he said (quote) “Our rabbis, the sages of Israel, unconditionally opposed academic study,” adding, (quote) “In addition, the material in the colleges is based on research and scientific methods that contravene the Torah!” (exclamation point, end quote).  So yeah, not only are these evil women learning stuff, but they might be in danger of learning true stuff.

Israel Rabbi – Women shouldn’t go to college

But now that you’re armed with your lack of education, what kind of job should you be looking for?  Well, according to Georgia congressional hopeful Barry “Exploding Tits”… no… I’m sorry, Barry Loudermilk, you might want to consider a career in politics.  Just make sure it’s okay with your husband first.  And once you’re in office, be sure to ask him what you should do.

Loudermilk dropped these pearls of wisdom in the middle of a bigoted tirade about how the first amendment really only applies to Christians.  So yes, the thing about female politicians wasn’t even the dumbest thing he said during that statement.

Georgia Politician says it’s okay for women to hold office if their husbands let them:

Of course, now that employers no longer have to cover “women medicine”, you might be considering celibacy.  But if a career in the Catholic church appeals to you, you’ll still have a stained-glass ceiling to contend with.

In the first interview of his papacy with a female reporter, Pope Francis essentially spent the entire time dodging questions and visibly restraining from telling the reporter to go make him a sandwich.  When asked directly if he thought there was an underlying misogyny in the Catholic Church, the pope said, “The fact is, woman was taken from a rib.”  And then he laughed.  And told her it was a joke.  Twice.  Because apparently the uppity bitch wasn’t laughing.

Pope jokes “Woman are just from ribs”

That’s all I’ve got for you this week, but I’d like to close tonight with a special “go fuck a cheese grater” to John Roberts, Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Anthony Kennedy and the fat Catholic one that thinks the devil is real.


Poem – Ecclesiastes


A Christian kid goes to his church and says, “Hey Holy Father,

I’m trying to read the bible and I hate to be a bother,

But I think someone removed the parts that act as moral guides,

And replaced them with some boring, sexist, racist genocide.


“I’m combing through and seeking all the good stuff you allude to,

But instead I’m stuck with cryptic, Jewish, sacrificial voodoo.

The forgiving, loving, merciful, wise Lord I hoped to find,

Is absent.  In his stead’s there’s one who’s lost his fucking mind.”


And the priest said “Son, within this book’s the wisdom of the ages.

The secrets of the lord’s desires are dripping from it’s pages.

The way the universe was wrought, the point to our existence,

But if you want to read it right, I’ll offer my assistance.


“You see you can’t just read it Genesis through Revelations,

As some eternal laws have reached statutes of limitation.

There’s a certain way of reading through these bronze aged Jewish epics,

That ensures you miss the bad stuff and find the precious bits of ethics.


“In Genesis, the benefits are done by chapter two.

You know the stories after that, so it’s better to thumb through.

With Exodus, the rest of us, have studied that one for you.

The Heston flick is better but even that one’s sure to bore you.


“Leviticus?  A bit of this is pertinent today.

But none of it applies to you, unless, of course you’re gay.

And Numbers?  What a slumber reading that one would induce.

Trust me, half the book is just spent counting all the jews.


“Deuteronomy has gotta be the hardest book to read.

There’s nothing there you need to know, that much I’ll concede.

With Joshua, my gosh, you want to skip past that as well.

And ignore the folks that tell you that one’s violent as hell.


“And Judges?  No one trudges through that long and pointless text.

Samson’s pretty cool but all in all it leaves you vexed.

To tell the truth the book of Ruth is really short and ungermane.

You can read it if you want to, but it’s better to abstain.


“Samuel through Chronicles will leave you catatonic, full

Of history that’s blisteringly dull and histrionical.

Ezra’s just an extra little post-exilic tale,

No need to bore yourself with it’s superfluous detail.

“Nehemiah’s just some guy, ya know, he doesn’t do that much,

And Esther’s just yer average Jewish princess with a grudge.

Your frontal lobe will reel at Job, as the moral’s pretty brutal.

It basically says being good and loving god is futile.


“Stay calm when you see Psalms, cause it’s a million pages deep,

And sure, some of them are decent, but it’ll put your ass to sleep.

And don’t bother with the Proverbs, despite their wise, profound appearance.

If you read the bits on beating kids you’ll be frightened of your parents.


“But when you reach Ecclesiastes, settle in and take your time.

The Old Testament will never get any closer to sublime.

So read each chapter there and savor every fucking word,

Because the eighteen books that follow are increasingly absurd.


“Then just skip ahead to Jesus, the Lord’s sole begotten son.

Read a little bit of Matthew, John Three Sixteen and then you’re done.”

But the kid responded, “Father, there must be some better way.”

So the priest said, “Sure, just skip the book and trust everything I say.”


Bible Story – Noah’s Ark

Gather ‘round boys and girls.  Today we’re gonna open our bibles up to Genesis and learn about the biggest temper tantrum that god ever threw.  And there’s animals so it’s a good story for kids your age, even though almost all of them die.

Now, once upon a time there was a man named Noah who had a wife and three sons.  And there were also rock monsters, wolves with scales and Anthony Hopkins, apparently.

Back in Noah’s time, all the people were evil.  But Noah was less bad than the other people, so God decided to speak to him.  And he told Noah that he was really, really angry because all the people kept being so evil.  So god decided that he should drown every single one of them along with their kids and their babies and their animals and the wild animals and most of the plants.  Because otherwise, people would suffer.

But luckily for Noah and his family, God decided to let them live, along with two of each of the animals.  Because if god didn’t love incest so much, he probably wouldn’t have fucked his own mother.

So Noah built a giant ark just like god asked, even though he was six hundred years old and it was impossible.  And once he was finished, all the animals of the world showed up to file into the boat.  And each of them carried a backpack full of 365 lunches so they wouldn’t get hungry along the way.

And then it started to rain.  And Noah and his family got into the boat, listening mercilessly to the echoing screams of humanity, desperately clinging to driftwood and tree tops as the inevitability of their expiration became clearer.  The few who were lucky enough to survive the first day or two were treated to a horizon full of bloated corpses as the wildlife began to float to the surface.  And as the incessant rains brought them closer and closer to oblivion, they comforted themselves with the fact that their demise would at least bring an end to the horrid stench of death.

But inside the boat, Noah and his family were safe.  So after a whole year spent shoveling shit and eating ever moldier bread on a boat full of urine stained floors and unwashed animals, the waters finally started to go back down.  Noah parked his boat on top of a giant mountain and proceeded to get completely shit faced.  After all, if your dad was stuck in a boat with you for a year, he’d want to get drunk too.

And it must have been a really good binge because he passed out completely naked.  But while he was unconscious in a puddle of dried vomit, his son Ham saw his penis and did a shameful act.  The bible doesn’t tell us what that shameful act was, but after the story, we’ll break out the crayons and you can draw a picture of what you think it was.

Now, because of the thing Ham did, his son was cursed for all eternity.  And even the people who weren’t cursed had to have sex with their own family and stumble over the necrotic carcases of god’s innocent victims for the rest of their lives.

The end.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback.  This is the part of the show where we piss off the people who wrote in to tell us how pissed off they already were.  But we also answer questions and stuff.

Our first message comes from Atheous who told us on our Patreon page that he likes the longer episodes more than the girthier ones, but wonders if we can rib the episodes for his pleasure.

Not sure where you have those headphones, bro, but if you’ like I can add some rhythmic bass here and there.

Ears, nose, throat … We’ll find the clit eventually.

We also got an email from Mark who asked why we spend so much time covering gay rights issues.  He makes it really clear that he’s not faulting us for it, but wonders why our show and so many of the voices in the atheist community are so outspoken about gay rights.

We’re actually outspoken about human rights … We just have a much more reasonable definition of ‘human’ than churches, or Citizens United.

Yeah, the way I see it, the religious folks are picking on the people that they see as “on the margins of society”.  And not only do we have a moral obligation to help them, but atheists are probably the next minority in line to lose their rights if Christians get their way in this country.  So it’s like a really altruistic self-interest.

John was pretty pissed off about the close of last week’s headlines segment.  Noah made a joke about the barbaric history of British colonialism, I followed it up with a joke about Nazi appeasement (which I’m fully aware was what the US did)  and we finished with a joke about how England would have been useless in World War Two without the aid of their former colonies.  And John took exception, without hearing the tacit satire sound effect that goes along with most of the things I say on the show.  But I think there was also an editing thing with a joke about France.

Yeah, so first of all, apologies to the audience and to Heath.  A little of that got cut in editing so it kind of sounded like Heath said England was occupied by Nazi Germany.  He didn’t.  That was my bad.  As for the bellicose, nationalistic dick-waving that made up the rest of John’s comment, the gist of it was that British people are superheroes and Americans are cowards and he might be right on that, I’m not sure.  I’m willing to admit that America has historically been guilty of failing to rush to war fast enough, but I think it’s obvious that we’re working on that.

Yeah now we’ll war on your face before the condom’s unwrapped.  Don’t worry though, we’ve already got Halliburton ready to clean you up.

Yeah, so for the record, I’m sorry three throw away lines at the end of a bit failed to fully encapsulate the nuances of the most complex global conflict in human history.

Right… we don’t actually think the Brits were really polite to the Nazis and threatened to tell America that they weren’t being nice to the Jews.  And while we’re on the subject, we also don’t really think that the average Nigerian spends their day jogging with herds of gazelles.  It’s all a stupid patriot act.  In all seriousness though, I’m fully aware that American foreign policy over the last century has been largely awful and destructive, whereas the UK has been relatively reasonable over that same time.  And fuck France!  Am I right, or am I right?!?  This guy knows!

But I did want to make one correction John pointed out.  I said during that bit that England “until recently” had Charles Darwin on their money.  I read last year he was getting bumped for Jane Austen, but I didn’t realize that didn’t wasn’t happening until 2017, so my bad on that.

And finally we have an email from Gregg whose job recently landed him in the secular, progressive haven of Tennessee.  He’s new to the bible belt and wrote to us hoping Noah could offer some advice on how to handle the transition.

Yeah, and Gregg mentioned in his email that he’s not looking for confrontation so my first eleven pieces of advice are out the window.

How about “Don’t live in Tennessee.” … or “Learn to be confrontational.” ???

Honestly, that’s part of it.  Because you can avoid it most of the time, sure, but eventually you’ll find yourself in that position, so it’s good to be ready for it.  But I was thinking this would lend itself to a quick top ten list.  So here’s our top ten ways to politely turn down an invitation to church.

  • 10 “Can I bring my lesbian friend?  She could use a good stoning.”
  • 9 “I don’t know, when I go to church my stigmata always flares up.”
  • 8 “I’d love to, but I’m part of a secret society… I don’t think I need to mention the name… and we meet on Sundays”
  • 7 “Something about the music really gets to my tourettes”
  • 6 “He’s lying.  I’m the one- FUCK!!! ASS!!! … I’m the one with Tourette’s.  But Noah, you should go.  You’ll enjoy- CUNT!!! You’ll enjoy it.”
  • 5 “Awesome!  I’ll bring my athame and my goat’s skull.”
  • 4 “So it’s kind of like an open-mic night?”
  • 3 “Is Christianity the one with the Autobots and Decepticons?”
  • 2 “Sorry, I do football on Sunday.  No time for another fantasy league.”
  • 1 “I’d love to, but churches are evil institutions designed to fleece the masses whilst cloaking the unscrupulous acts of those that lead them and I’d probably get pissed off enough to shit on the pulpit.”

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more emails.  You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.



Before we tuck you in tonight, I want to thank Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast for inviting Heath and me on to help him celebrate his 100th episode.  That episode is available now and you’ll find it linked on the shownotes for the episode.  Star studded cast, a lot of rather brutal humor at Carl’s expense… great time.

Also, a quick request to anybody who’s going to TAM, lot of really big names there and if a couple of our listeners made an effort to talk a few of the speakers into perhaps recording a Farnsworth Quote on their phones, I’d greatly appreciate it.  The first person that snags one from Bill Nye, Dan Dennett or Steven Novella and sends it to me gets a free autographed copy of our book.

Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you today, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more.  Of course I can’t cue the music until I’ve thanked Heath for his quintessential Heath-ness.  I need to thank Lucinda for not one but two awesome contributions this week.  Also need to thank Oliver from the brand-spanking new “All Too Common Law” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.  His show is just getting started but it strikes me as damn informed.  If you want to check it out, you’ll find a link on the shownotes to this week’s episode.

Of course I need to thank Jake one more time for joining us.  Incredibly nice guy, funny as hell and one of the voices our movement is lucky to have.  His podcast, The Imaginary Friends Show is definitely one of the shows that inspired this one so if you haven’t checked it out yet, you’ll want to make that happen.  You’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most distinguished disbelievers; Danna, Chris, Rondi, Woof, Scott, Shane, Nancy, Jonathan, George, Lee, Jeff, other George, other Chris, other Jonathan, Craig and Michael.  Danna, Chris, Rondi and Woof, who are so clever they put iocane powder in both cups; Scott, Shane, Nancy and Jonathan, who mosquitos know better than to fuck with; George, Lee, Jeff and other George, whose neuronal pathways needed an HOV lane; and other Chris, Other Jonathan, Craig and Michael, who are so sexy they can masturbate to themselves masturbating.

These sixteen candles in the dim stretches of ignorance have helped insure that future generations inherit a world with less religion, less irrationality and more archived dick jokes by giving us money.  Not everyone has the money it takes to give us money, but if you have money that you don’t need for important stuff, you can give it to us.

You can do so by making a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked on our website, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  I’ll compliment your sex organs either way.

And if you want to help but giving money to atheists is against your religion, you can also help us out a ton by leaving a review on iTunes, Stitcher or wherever.  Especially if the review is good.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 67 – Partial Transcript

May 29, 2014 5 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.





Warning: The book of Proverbs says you shouldn’t listen to people of my gender… but fuck that book.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Prostate Farm: Anal Virginity Single Prayer Health Insurance: Where you can bet your ass that we’ll pay your claim.  Are you worried about the rectal risk of sending your children to church but still insist on sending them to church anyway?  Are you afraid they might turn the other cheek the wrong way?

Well then let Prostate Farm cover your ass.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s May 29th,

And whole milk is still better.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

And I’m Heath Enwright.  And from the city nicknamed after the fruit that brought you gravity; New York, New York,

And the state nicknamed after the one that looks like an ass, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Redneck preachers getting bit by poisonous snakes will get so common we don’t even bother to cover it in the headlines,
  • God will punish me for that time I had an abortion,
  • And Lucinda will join us to discuss Proverbs in this week’s Pope-rah’s Book Club

But first, the diatribe.



I’ve got an analogy for you.  Imagine you’ve got an aunt named Millie.  And you were close to her when you were a kid, but in the last decade you only ran into her once at a wedding or something.  And now imagine that Aunt Millie dies.

But your cousin Bob, who’s Millie’s only child, decides that he doesn’t want you to go through all the grief of losing your beloved aunt so he doesn’t tell you she died… ever.  In fact, he goes out of his way to mislead you.  He makes excuses for why she never shows up at family reunions, he tells you she doesn’t answer her phone any more because she’s convinced it’ll give her cancer, he sends you Christmas cards with her signature forged onto them.  All in an effort to keep you from grieving.

So the question is; is Bob doing you a favor?

Now before you answer, let me add another layer to it.  Imagine after a while the charade gets so wacky that you’re on the phone with Bob and you’re saying, “Wait a minute… she went back to pan more gold in Brazil even after the ocelot attack?” and it suddenly occurs to you that Bob might be full of shit.  So you start having doubts and you ask him point blank; “Is Aunt Millie dead?”.  But even then, he keeps lying to you.  Doesn’t matter how elaborate of half-ass his answers get, he keeps up the act.

So I’ll ask you again, is Bob doing you a favor?

And I’ll also interrupt you again before you have a chance to answer, because to be thorough, I need to add one more layer to the analogy.  Bob has to get something out of this for himself.  So now imagine that up until now, every year you’ve sent Aunt Millie a really nice present on her birthday and on Christmas; and Bob’s been selling the gifts on Ebay and pocketing the money.  He justifies it by telling himself that he works really hard to keep you from grieving and it’s a small price to ask for all his effort.

Now, I don’t need to ask you again because even before I started adding all the layers to it, you already knew that Bob was being an asshole… a well meaning asshole, maybe, but an asshole nonetheless.  It’s not for him to decide if you can handle Aunt Millie’s death.  He’s robbed you of your ability to grieve for her.  What’s worse, he’s taken away the quintessential reminder of the impermanence of the people we love.  What if knowing about Aunt Millie’s death would have driven you closer to Uncle Paul and Aunt Gretchen?  What if you’d have otherwise been inspired to start a charity in her name, or take care of her favorite dog… or live in the comfort of knowing she’ll never break into your house again and molest your ferret.  Whatever.  Doesn’t matter.

Look, if we want to spread atheism we need to confront the issue of death.  Not only do we need to confront it; we need to embrace it.  We need to fall in love with mortality and sell it.

Of course, if you have no interest in spreading atheism, feel free to disregard everything I’m saying.  You’re under no obligation to devangelize.  But if that’s your goal, you need to find ways to help people put away their immortal security blanket.  Because when we say, “Your religion is stupid”, what they hear is, “that hope that you’ll see your favorite dog and your grandma and the son you lost to leukemia is stupid.”

Now, I don’t think that means we should say their religion is stupid, because the idea that you’re gonna see your dog and your grandma and your kid is stupid, but we need to understand why so many people are so scared to agree.  One way we can do this is by pointing out that religion doesn’t actually help you grieve, but the other is to help people understand that mortality is a good thing.  It’s the greatest motivating factor on the planet.  It’s the only reason we sometimes have to forgive and to reconcile.

Obviously we can’t offer them eternal life in paradise with virgins and mansions and shit because we’re limited to the truth.  But it’s like Sam Harris says; when you learned that [spoiler alert] Santa Claus wasn’t real the truth that replaced it was nowhere near as fun, but at least there was a truth to replace it.  We can’t afford to avoid this topic.

Think about all the people that you love, that you plan on outliving.  And next time you say goodbye to them, remind yourself that this could be the last time.  And next time you say hello to them, treat them like they just returned from the dead.  That’s something you can only do if you let go of the afterlife; when we keep mortality in the front of our minds instead of burying it behind religions and superstitions and pithy bravado.  Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we all just admitted that we’re all going to die.



Joining me for headlines tonight is stickler with a smart phone, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to share your latest fact-bomb victory?

You must be referring to how I “Snopes-ed” the shit out of some guy at the bar the other day.  He was trying to impress this woman talking about being a scientist.  He used the general term “scientist”.  Already suspect.  

He’s a “Just Scientist?”  Really?  “Oh, I study sciencography… you know, the science of… things and stuff”

And, he bothered me earlier by ordering a drink using well above the 10-syllable max for dudes.  And then he mentioned he was a devout Christian, and loved how science coincides with the Bible.

You know, those rabbits and their cud

So I absolutely couldn’t let him go, when he started talking about “glass actually being a liquid, which they discovered by looking at the window panes at cathedrals, that were thicker on the bottom.”  No – it’s a solid.  it’s technically an “amorphous solid”, but you didn’t even know that, so it doesn’t count.  But it has a melting point, so it’s clearly not a liquid!!!    

But as if he wasn’t already wrong enough, the whole thing about the cathedral windows being thicker at the bottom is bullshit anyway.  So even if we grant him the bullshit on both sides of his bullshit equation, it’s still bullshit.

In our lead story tonight, from the “Shady Antebellum” file: Reginald Wayne Miller – president and founder of the totally-real-sounding Cathedral Bible College in South Carolina – was placed under house arrest, after receiving charges of felony-level ‘slavery and exploitation’.

I guess at a certain point you’ve really gotta do some crazy shit to stand out.  Reggie’s sitting around thinking, “fucking kids has been done to death… the Vatican has money laundering, the Pentecostals have snake felatio, the Muslims have throwing acid on innocent women… What about slavery?  Is anybody else doing slavery?”

Wow really???  Baby slavery’s taken?!?  What about regular slavery?  Yeah- Shotgun!!! Whip!!! … So Miller’s legal defense team plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify the slavery and exploitation.  The prosecution – on the other hand – plans to argue that the Bible and the free exercise clause justify slavery and exploitation … So those clearly don’t count, right?!?

And here’s the most fucked up thing… if the allegations are true (and he’s white so they probably are) there wasn’t even an actual college.  He sets up this faux school for the express purpose of bringing exchange students over, putting them to work for between a buck fifteen an hour and nothing an hour, and revoked the student visas of the kids that complained.  And I only point this out because biblical apologists like seem to think there’s good slavery and bad slavery so you have to be specific about what kind of slavery you’re dealing with.  In this case; bad.

Now to the untrained South Carolina eye, Miller was simply running a legitimate indentured servitude Christian agri-business.  However, his 2006 charge of exposing himself to an undercover agent at a bath house doesn’t help bolster his “At least it wasn’t sexual slavery” defense.  “Human trafficking sex plantation?!?  Who’s talking about HTSP’s?!?  You brought that up!!!  You guys knew that acronym.”

South Carolina Bible College president placed under detention for slavery and exploitation:

And in “I’ll Render Unto Whoever I Want” news tonight, a federal judge in Kentucky has ordered the secular nonprofit American Atheists to go fuck themselves this week by dismissing a lawsuit that sought to hold the IRS accountable for its prejudicial policies regarding churches.  This is not a “tax the churches” suit; though I’d be behind it every bit as much if it was.  Rather, this suit challenges the preferential treatment and lack of transparency that the IRS exclusively affords to religious nonprofits.

Oh, right … The single most important political issue on the atheist platform!!!  The hole we could plug, and save billions in stolen tax revenue every year!!!  Are the employees of God really claiming they won’t take a pay cut?  Are they supposed to get paid?!?  

As is often the case in lawsuits like this, the question is one of standing: Is American Atheist harmed by this policy?  U.S. District Judge William O. Bertelsman says no, and in a remarkable display of cognitive dissonance he justifies it by pointing out that American Atheist might be able to gain classification as a religious organization.  <<So?>> Right!  That’s like dismissing a racial discrimination suit on the basis of the plaintiff being pretty light skinned for a black dude.

“Dude just lie about your heritage, and learn to (talk like this) … You’ll be fine.  Case dismissed.”

Further demonstrating their impressive “getting it” deficit; lawyers for the IRS pointed out that it couldn’t be a discriminatory policy because it was available to all people who are religious, regardless of their preferred space-dessert.

Federal judge dismisses atheist suit against IRS:

And in “The asshole doesn’t fall far from the tree” news, Senator Ted Cruz’s father, pastor Rafael Cruz – in his expert capacity as the sphincter tree in that analogy – was a featured Tea Note Speaker at a conservative political conference held by a certain society … I don’t believe I have to mention it’s name … I will anyway … It’s the “Family Research KKKouncil”.

Okay, so the dude who spawned self-identified “proud wacko bird” Ted “The UN is coming for the golf courses” Cruz, speaking to a group of bigots on behalf of a hate group?  I bet he said something poignant.  Was it poignant?

I do not think that word means … what you think it means.  Here’s Cruz the Elder’s inconceivably poignant thesis: Ever since we stopped forcing Christianity on public school students, it’s led to nothing but moral decay and teen pregnancy.  No question 1963 was a tough year for many white Christians in the South.  Bible study was out the door at public schools, and black people were in the door … Maybe not the same door, but baby steps.  

Who knows… in another hundred years, maybe they’ll even desegregate the churches.

Now the ensuing decade of moral decay must have been great … And I don’t doubt the teen pregnancy numbers were high … But the teen parent numbers must have levelled off after Roe v. Wade, just nine years later … So it’s all good.  We did that for you!!!  Irresponsible pregnant teens can get abortions now.  You’re welcome!!!

Yeah, there should really be a rule that you’re not allowed to be against both the problem and the solution.

Ted Cruz’s dad is also a dumbfuck:

And from the “Right Wing Hobby-Lobbyist” file, we’ve got a quick follow up to a news item we covered in episode 62 of this fine program.  As you may or may not recall, Hobby Lobby president Steve Green is peddling a bible curriculum for public schools which, despite being a bible curriculum for public schools has been adopted by the school district closest to his company’s headquarters.  They claim it’s a “bible as literature” course, and therefore legal, but those possessing cognition doubted that assertion.

I wouldn’t say the “as literature” part is the problem, although that’s ridiculous too, because it’s terrible literature.  But does it really matter if it’s “Bible as Literature”, or “Bible as a Treasure Map”, or “Bible as a Way to Win Friends and Influence People”???  

Well, look, maybe we should learn about the Bible in school… it’s important to our history, our literature, our culture… but among the extensive but far from exhaustive list of church/state violations the FFRF discovered in the textbook were things like chapter headings like “How do we know that the Bible’s historical narratives are reliable?”, claims that the bible created feminism, the inclusion of Christian apologetics around the nastier bits, the complete lack of recognition of non-Protestant Christianity, and a fundie-friendly rewriting of America’s founding.

Leading the Jehovah’s Witness a little bit there … “How do we know the Jews stopped beating their wives, only a few short centuries after they created feminism?”

Now, if you’re one of our many listeners that studies Oklahoma state regulations in their spare time, you may be wondering how the hell this curriculum is only now coming to light, despite the fact that it has already been adopted by a school board.  After all, by state law, all school board meetings must be open to the public.  Well, as it turns out, it only counts as a meeting if more than 50% of the school board is present, so on the advice of the morally upstanding Steve Green, they just split them into two groups when they discussed it.  Because as any orthodox Jew will tell you, god loves him some loopholes.

Follow up on Hobby Lobby Bible curriculum:

And in “Bible Belt Turniquet” news, after three recent heroin smuggling incidents at Daviess County Jail in Owensboro, Kentucky, Sheriff Keith Cain and Jailer David Osborne – not wanting to get their hands (and lower arms) dirty being thorough – opted instead for wishing the drug away really hard.  But this time, the wishing took place in a church … and this is a new strategy … so we’ll see what happens.

See, this is where Baptists just fails.  When you’ve got a problem with people hiding things in their ass, what you really need is a Catholic.

So ‘Prayer’ loses to everything in “Rock, Paper, Scissors, Prayer” … But even if these guys were doing this on their own time without technically wasting taxpayer money (and that’s not really true) … They certainly are selling Christianity pretty hard at their “Church and State Pen”, to a very captive audience.  And you probably don’t wanna give Bibles to convicts too much.

Yeah, cause they’ll hide their rock hammer in it.

500 yards of bullshit doesn’t compare though …  I’m reading it now, and the morality in the Old Testament so far is fucked up!!!  If anything, we should be forcing a peaceful religion on inmates, like what’s the opposite of Judaism? … Islam.

Christians solve heroin problem with prayer:

And in “Didn’t he used to run England?” news tonight, former celebrity Toni Braxton has scribbled a new autobiography, in which she explains that her son’s autism is almost certainly a punishment from god for having an abortion.  Strangely, she didn’t comment on what god was punishing her son for by giving him a mother that’s such a horrible bitch that she would publicly describe her child as retribution.

The dude you’re thinking of … who used to be King of England … Pretty sure that’s Margaret Thatcher.

I know it’s hard to believe that something so stupid could come from the inimitable wordsmith that penned such brilliant lyrics as “Oh baby, oh baby, I can hardly wait to see your face; Oh baby, oh baby, heartbreak is gonna be the case,” but she goes on to explain that her parent’s divorce and her own lupus diagnosis were also divine vengeance.

Divorce and lupus?!?  Really?!?  Do you hear that?  It’s the world’s shittiest violin, playing shitty, sad Toni Braxton music for shitty, sad Toni Braxton.  Birth a child that isn’t too logical to love you, and we’ll talk.  Oh, you can’t???

Braxton walked back the comments amid a firestorm of criticism, saying, (quote) “When my youngest son was diagnosed with autism I feared that I was being punished for my earlier actions.  I have since realized what a calloused scut that makes me look like,” (end quote)

Toni Braxton: My Autistic kid is punishment from god for having an abortion:

And finally tonight, Atheist rappers Greydon Square and Tombstone da Deadman will perform in concert on July 26 in Temple Hills, Maryland, staging the event in collaboration with Grand Unified – a science-spreading artist collective.

Seems like more of a “calendar” segment than a “headline” segment”.  Unless, of course…

Well that is pretty much the whole story, so I could vamp for 30 seconds … And that could go downhill really quick … Or instead, we could spend that same amount of time listing “Ideas for Atheist and Religious Music Festivals” … GO!!!

Oh good… I was afraid you were gonna say “Rappers” and I’d have to reveal just how white I was.  How about the “Apostate Fair”?

I’ll start by cheating.  Had these already.  These are my personal hypothetical atheist rapper aliases: Notorious BIG Bang and Scientific Method Man

Maybe a Buddhist fest called “Nirvana-roo”…

Lots of big, naked, buddhists with eightfold paths, listening to KoAni DiFrancoFree Tibetter Than Ezra


All-4-One With Everything?

Maybe William Lane Craig could have an Apologetics Festival and call it “South by Northwest”

I heard Fitty Shekels and Kanye West Bank were gonna be at “Gathering of the Tribes” … Jewish …

Fitty Shekels… love it.  “Oy vey can you see?”  Anyway, how about the “Warped Logic Tour”?

What about a Puritan music fest? … Burning Woman at the Stake

“We wanted to see Motley Crucifix, but we ended up getting stuck with a set of Three Nine Inch Nails.”

Or Ray Comfort could host a creationism one; “Bananaroo”.

Phil Collins and the … I Can’t Dancers in Genesis ???

Or maybe… and we should maybe actually do this one… a festival to raise money for secular education for women in Muslim countries called, “Malala-palooza?”

Gotta assume there’s already some kind of shitty lute fest and humus mash-off called “Halal-apalooza”.

I thought there was no true festival but “Allah”-palooza.

And despite being completely irrelevant now, I’m sure they’ll bring up “Benghazi Ozbourne” …

Maybe the Arab gangsta rap giants “Sand NWA” …

By the way ladies, be careful to avoid the acid at Allah-palooza.

Atheist Rapper Concert:

Alright, well now that we can be sure we’ve offended everyone, I think we can close out headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, we’ll learn that after Psalms, we can take just about anything.



Babble – Proverbs

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a “proverb” as “a brief, popular saying that gives advice about how people should live”, but the biblical definition is more like a “statement of indeterminate length that expresses a notion that is either common-sense, true by merit of definition, or painfully, ridiculously wrong.”  Chocked full of important nuggets like, “The clever do things intelligently, while the fool displays folly”, Proverbs does distinguish itself for being, at best, the least horrible book in the bible so far.

And it’s basically a lucky famous person giving stupid advice, because he confused covariance and causality.  It’s King Solomon explaining how if we all heed the lord’s wisdom, then everyone will become the extremely wealthy King of Israel, just like him.  See – it works!!!

So joining us to discuss a book that spends about 8% of its words warning us about the dangers of listening to women is a woman.  Specifically, my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome back.

I am woman, hear me roar!

So despite being recently told by an inerrant book that the true purpose of a wife is to make sure that I (quote) “let your breasts satisfy me at all times” (end quote), we’re gonna talk about the bible instead.  You mind starting us off?

  • At first I was thinking to myself, “Who named this book?  Alanis Morissette?  Aren’t proverbs supposed to be short?”
    • Right and instead we get unnecessarily long restatements of the same thing over and over again.  They’re more like… con-verbs, or whatever.
  • So these are ancient words of wisdom, and the very first one basically says: “If a bunch of dudes invite you to go ambush and murder some innocent people with them … Don’t do that.”  So right off the bat, Solomon really drops some insight on us.      
  • And even when you shave it down to a pithy sentence, it’s still bad advice.  Chapter two, for example, tells us that as long as we fear god and seek wisdom <<which are mutually exclusive goals>> we’ll never have to worry about having raunchy, sinful naked time.
  • And chapter three teaches us that the true goals of wisdom should be living a really long time and getting rich.
  • “Lean not on your own understanding, do not be wise in your own eyes, and pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”  So basically, don’t let judgment cloud your …  judgment.
  • Yeah, something of a pattern emerges right away.  About 90% of the proverb is reminding you to pay attention to this proverb because it’s really, really important, and the other 10% vaguely tells you not to be wicked… without really defining wicked.
    • Right.  It’s like the verbose Leviticus.
  • I don’t know, though, chapter five is pretty on message.  It says, “beware vaginas”.
    • But it also expressly endorses titty-fucking.
  • As long as you “push in” at the last second.
  • And I want to point out that whoever wrote chapter six was very familiar with the price of a hooker.  
    • Yeah, and it was only a loaf of bread back then, so I guess the ancient world wasn’t all bad.
  • These days, with Atkins, it’s a meatloaf.  Also in this chapter: (quote) “There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him” (end quote) … Weird fucking way to present a list of 7 things … Anyway, most of them are pretty bad things like spilling innocent blook, lying, scheming, etcetera.  But one of them … One of the seven things God could is capable of hating … is “haughty eyes”.
  • This book is so obsessed with who you do and don’t fuck that through the first seven chapters it reads like the dorky guy who’s trying to explain why he never gets laid, “Well, yeah, there were a bunch of hotties down at the square begging me to fuck ‘em again tonight… you know, they’re all ‘I perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloe and cinammon; come let us take our fill of love until morning’… but I stayed righteous.”
  • I fucked this girl from Moab at camp last summer.  You wouldn’t know her.  She lives a few tribes over.  
  • Then in chapter eight we meet god’s wife, I think.
  • And apparently she has a nice house and she invites stupid people in.
  • And then finally, after nine chapters of, “I swear I’m really smart and you should listen to me” bullshit, we get some actual proverbs.
    • And apparently god sucks at proverbs.  I mean, George Lucas wrote better wisdom than this.  Couldn’t the guy that made Confucius come up with a few that would stick?
  • There’s no puns, no rhymes, no wordplay of any kind.  It’s a long, terrible, completley unclever version of Animaniacs’ “Good Idea, Bad Idea” segment …  “Good Idea: Don’t be a mocker.  Bad Idea: Mock.”  Unforgettably eloquent stuff like that.
  • Right.  Chapter Eleven has 31 proverbs and they’re all variations on “Being righteous is preferable to being wicked.”  Really?  You’re divinely instructing your people and that’s all you bring?
  • Yeah, you even get tautological shit like Chapter 12, verse 5 “The thoughts of the righteous are just; the advice of the wicked is treacherous.”  So… evil people are evil.  Thanks for clearing that up.  No room for oral hygiene in this book, but we cleared up the whole, ‘are evil people evil?’ question.
  • Thirteen has some really good advice on beating your children…
  • Yeah, the advice is: “Beat your children with a rod.”
    • Yeah, but just in case you didn’t get it then, they restate the pro-child beating case in chapters 19, 22, 23 and 29.
    • And also there’s some good slave-beating advice in chapter 29.
  • Perhaps my favorite, though, is 14:20 which states… (I shit you not) “The poor are disliked, even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.”  That’s the whole thing.  Be rich and people will like you more.
  • Seems to be working for the Jews quite nicely ever since.  Who doesn’t like the Jews?  They’ve got all that gold.  
  • And a lot of focus on the “wise people are smart, fools are stupid” proverb.  It’s restated maybe 50 times in the first fifteen chapters.
  • Yeah, I’m willing to say that the tales of Solomon’s wisdom were greatly exaggerated.
    • Well, he was the king… so who’s gonna argue.  “Split a baby in half?  That’s a great idea, your highness.”  I picture him gorging on a turkey leg and a virgin, yelling, “Scribe!  I have another one of those smart thingies for you.  ‘Sometimes there is a way that seems to be right… but… um… in the end it is the way to death.’  Write that down.  And put a little skull next to ‘death’… or no, make that the E in death… a little skull.”
  • And he continues to be the inept minstrel that keeps missing the rhyme.  “Good is good, and bad is bad.  Evil stuff makes God real … pissed- SHIT!!!  I suck at this!!! I’m such and idiot!!!”
  • In seventeen we learn that it’s immoral to flog people for having integrity and we also learn that people in general should shut the fuck up.
  • Apparently living alone is wicked, by the way.  Never realized that, but it is.
  • Every morning, I take a naked shit, with the door open, while drinking milk from the carton … Then it gets ugly.  Didn’t have a google suggestion this week.  Figured I’d just leave you with that image.
  • Here and there there’s a weird one and a couple of times you get actual good advice, but most of them fall into one of three themes: Sit down and shut up; Stupid people are even worse than poor people; and evilness is evil.
    • A lot of “god will fuck your shit up”, too.
  • And since these are all attributed to kings, there’s also a lot of, “How awesome are kings?” ones too.
  • We also learn repeatedly that lying is bad.
  • It’s so boring, in fact, that if you’re not careful, you’ll miss the good blow job jokes.  For instance, after the enigmatic proverb that tells us that lazy people say that the streets are filled with random lions, we get this gem,  Chapter 22, verse 14 “The mouth of a loose woman is a deep pit.”
  • Or a shallow pit, but it’s really wide.  I don’t judge.  They also mention that you’re not supposed to fuck with the property lines by moving ancient boundary stones.  “Maybe I wasn’t clear earlier.  I’m God … And I’m giving all the oil to the Jews …  So it’s very important that they get to keep all this shitty-seeming dessert land, that I’ve marked off here.”
  • And then we’re back to stupid shit like warnings that stingy people’s bread will make you puke and kids who don’t get beaten regularly will burn in hell.
    • It also says that prostitutes are deep pits and adultresses are narrow wells, so apparently they’re saying if you’re gonna fuck around, try to get the tighter vagina of an adulteress before settling for a hooker.
  • And in twenty four… or actually about halfway through chapter twenty three, we made a hard left out of the realm of pithy and onto just somebody saying something.
  • Oh, and by the way, and apparently this is important, when you start eating honey, stop before you vomit.
  • If you vomit, or hit the East River, you’ve gone too far.  That’s helpful.
    • Good thing god was around to inspire Solomon to tell Hezekiah to write this shit down.
  • By chapter twenty six they’ve entirely run out of shit to say and start repeating earlier proverbs verbatim.
    • Yeah, but if I’m not mistaken, chapter twenty six also has the bible’s first reference to dog vomit… so there’s some new shit sprinkled in there as well.
  • And it’s such a weird mix of shit.  Like in twenty seven we get a bit of generally good advice about not being a dick to your friends and then we close off with god telling you not to worry about the goat’s milk, because he’s got that covered.
  • And even the stuff that sounds wise isn’t.  Like 28:1, “The wicked flee when no one pursueth…” right, but they also flee when people do pursueth.  Because if they weren’t fleeing, you couldn’t exactly pursue them.  You’d just walk over there or something.
  • And righteous pitchfork mobs don’t just “walk over there”.  So correctly anticipating a lynch mob attack and going somewhere else, is evil???
  • And sometimes it seems like they don’t understand that the two clauses in a proverb should be at least tangentially related.  In 29:3, for example; “A child who loves wisdom makes a parent glad, but to keep company with prostitutes is to squander one’s substance.”  Fucking what!?  We go from making our parents proud to not wasting perfectly good semen in prostitutes?
  • If you’re not getting A’s in school, you might as well be coming on a hooker’s back.  Useful, everyday, false duality to guide your study habits and sperm targeting behavior.
  • In 30 we learn that if you disobey your parents, vultures will eat your brains.
    • In the King James it’s ravens plucking out your eyes and feeding them to eagles.
  • And then after they finished the whole book, King Lemuel shows up with a poem that his mom wrote and said, “I want this one to be in the book, too.”
    • And the whole thing is a ridiculous stereotype of Jewish moms.  It starts off with her saying, “Don’t drink too much”, moves on to her asking when he’s gonna find a nice Jewish girl to settle down with and then ends by telling him how awesome he is.

And then it mercifully ends a hundred and nineteen chapters earlier than Psalms did.  And while it seems more like something that belongs in a book of wisdom, it did leave me wishing god would go ahead and genocide somebody again or something.  This book is getting boring even for this book.

I’d just like to point out that this book ends with an Epilogue about a wife of noble character… which is basically a list of shit she has to do with a smile on her face.  She may not be charming and she may not be pretty but if she fears the lord you should praise her…. because apparently fear will make her get shit done.

So that does it for the Babble.  We’ll be back in three weeks with Ecclesiastes, which I hear is by far the least bad book in the Bible, so that one might be harder to make fun of, but we’ll make due, I’m sure.



Before we reach for the washcloth tonight, I wanted to congratulate a friend of mine on a pretty significant milestone.  Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast is about to record his 100th episode.  Among his many podcasting accolades is the fact that he was the first person to ever interview Heath and me about this show.  So huge congrats to him on number one hundred, which I recommend you download and listen to when it’s available and not just because he invited us back on to temporarily join in the festivities.

And speaking of shows that I’ll be on soon that you should be listening to even when I’m not on them, rumor has it that I’ll also be joining Jake Farr-Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show this week, should be available over the weekend.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with the incomparable Eli Bosnick to discuss the new film “Heaven is For Real” so be sure to have your popcorn ready for that one.  Until then, you can keep up with us on the blog, on Facebook, on Twitter and on Google Plus.

I need to thank Heath once more for always having 190 seconds to spare for a segment called “30 seconds on the clock”; I need to thank Lucinda for powering through books of the bible post-op; and, of course, I need to thank Shawn from Alberta for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and Ukulele solo.

But most of all, I need to thank this week’s most bestest people in the whole wide world; David, Wally, Greg, Steve, Colin, Laura, Goran, Troy, Jeff with a “J”, SharpestOne, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”.  David, Wally and Greg, whose cocks are available by prescription only in the state of Georgia; Steve, Colin and Laura, who are so intelligent that the next incarnation of personal communication devices might be referred to as “Steve, Colin and Laura”-phones; Goran, Troy and Jeff with a “J”, who are so legendary they named a planet, an ancient empire and a Lebowski after them, respectively; and Sharpest One, Tammy and Geoff with a “G”, who intergalactically notorious ninjutsu solves the Fermi Paradox.

These twelve paradisaic paragons have helped us paralyze a few more paragraph of paranoid parables from parasitic paranormalists this week by giving us money.  Not everyone has the altruism, benevolence and discretionary income needed to give us money, but if you’d like to join the ranks of our financial supporters, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist; or make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help, but you only like us as a friend, you can also help us a ton by giving us a sterling review on iTunes, Stitcher or the nearest church’s bulletin board.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode except Shawn’s ukulele bit was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 45 – Partial Transcript

December 26, 2013 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Link to Episode

Link to Hemant’s Blog

Link to Foundation Beyond Belief

Warning: This podcast breaks between 50 and 70 per cent of the commandments, depending on who you ask.



Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fox’s new “holistic programming” channel: Placebo FX; featuring an all-star line up of pseudo-scientific programming including hits like “Grey’s Astrology”, Chiropractor Who and Sons of Anthropometry.

Placebo FX: Because TV execs stopped trying when they realized people would watch American Idol.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…



It’s Thursday

It’s December 26th

And we can finally listen to elevator music in public places again.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from city waiting for it’s balls to drop, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

  • Belgium puts the youth back in euthanasia,

  • Optimus Prime will die for your sins,

  • And Hemant Mehta rejoins us to spackle some cracks in the wall of separation.

But first, the diatribe…


Last week I was doing a little Insufficiently-Executed-Jew-Mas shopping at one of New York’s fine Fifth Avenue retail establishments when I happened upon 5 white haired little old ladies in matching smocks.  And on these smocks they’d written, in glue and glitter, the words, “Granny Peace Brigade”.  And unlike me, they weren’t giving in to seasonally induced mindless-consumerism.  No, quite the opposite in fact.  They were there to protest.  And of all the evils that face our world, they’d chosen to invest their efforts of protestation on fucking video games.

And I stood there and regarded them with anthropological curiosity.  Because clearly they’d put some time into this.  They’d spent the money on matching yellow smocks and they didn’t half ass the glitter.  They’d clearly each made their own, but each one had the team name written in block letters of approximately the same height.  And they’d all met up for crafts and maybe some lunch or something and then headed out to show those evil retailers how they felt about them filthy computer whats-its with the blood and guts in ‘em.

So it’s not the they weren’t willing to put in the time to research it.  They just didn’t do it.  Do violent video games correlate with violence?  There’s mountains of good data out there and much of it is available for free on the internet.  The consensus seems to be almost certainly no and while there’s some indication that violent people tend toward violent video games, there’s no compelling evidence to suggest that violent video games lead to increases in violent behavior.

But these ladies didn’t bother to check.  They’d already invested time and passion and glitter in this shit.  You think they were gonna do some independent research that might have proved them wrong?  Hell no!  Obviously research wasn’t on the menu or they would have picked a store that sold video games.

Research, shmesearch.  They looked at video games, saw violence, looked at the news, saw violence and they put two and two together.  Sure, they got thirteen, but the important thing is that they had an excuse to get together with the bridge club and make a trip to Ben Franklins.

And when I see these misguided geriatric “blood”ites and their fruitless campaign to impact violence through good intentions and stupidity, I can’t help but think back to four mandatory years in high school of English lit with no classes on critical thinking.  No pre-requisites about psychology or epistemology or formal logic.  And nothing against English Lit, but so far in my adult life the ability to spot bullshit has been far handier than even the best of quatrains.

But thanks to religious fundies, critical thinking isn’t on the school menu.  Because think of all the shit teachers get when they teach redneck kids about evolution.  Imagine if the kids were coming home asking where Noah got his Patagonian pumas.  Or how Moses wrote the parts about his own funeral.  Or why we should thank god for sacrificing himself to himself in the first place.

I’m not going to say that religion is the reason people are stupid, but it helps.  It fosters a stupid, overly-accommodating culture that says there are multiple ways to arrive at truth and the ones with evidence and data aren’t any better than the ones without.  We have different ways of evaluating the truth and sure, yours uses your brain, but mine uses my heart.  Or my pancreas, since that’s just as logical a place to say my thoughts come from as my heart.  And my pancreas thoughts are as good as your brain thoughts because science can’t tell us everything and nobody knows for sure.

And meanwhile, if we could just set all that shit aside and agree on a consistent and logical way of evaluating claims (we could call it science) then we could figure out what matters and what doesn’t and put our time toward something more productive than protesting video games, but we’d rather not do that because we don’t like being wrong… and we’ve already made the smocks.


Joining me for headlines tonight is reigning Champion of the InKredulous Podcast, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to throw down some of that award winning incredulity?

Why are we even talking about this?!?  This entire podcast should go without saying!!!  

If god existed, I wouldn’t win at anything!!!

Well done; now how about some of that award-eligible headline delivering?

In our lead story tonight, A&E suspended ‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson, after the release of a GQ interview, in which he made several unoriginal homophobic remarks, including a hackneyed comparison of gay sex to bestiality.  As a result, God-fearing, Christian, heterosexual sheep fuckers everywhere, are up in arms.  And that means Westboro Baptist Church is up in arms.

Yeah, when the Westboro Baptist Church is coming to your defense, it’s a good sign your career is over.

So the heir to the “synthetic quacking fortune” released a statement…

Did it just say, “I’m a 67 year old Christian redneck from Louisiana that kills small animals for a living; of course I hate queers you idiots.”

No, it actually explained how he’s super tolerant of gays: (quote) “We just give ’em the good news about Jesus – whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later.” (end quote) …

So that’s nice.  He doesn’t put arbitrary labels on people, like gay … alcoholic … suicide bomber.  

And as for that ‘good news’ … those groups are all equally going to hell fairly.  So good news gay drunks who’ve been dying to get into terrorism: Nothing holding you back now!!!  And good news lesbian Al Queda soldiers: Drink up!!!  And good news bi-curious alcoholic suicide bombers: Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance!!!

“Might as well suck a dick while you’ve got the chance”… okay, so when we get them to take “In God We Trust” off the money, we’ve got a ready replacement.

Along with the WBC, several other professional bigoted assholes have voiced support for Robertson’s traditionally acceptable hate speech, including the Family Research Council, and Quran-burning Pastor Terry Jones.  They argue that A&E “not H-eight-ing fags”, denies Robertson’s First Amendment Right to exercise Christianity in a world where all corporations H-eight fags.

The Duck Dynasty Guy getting from the Westboro Baptist Church:

And from the “Now Where Will We Crucify Voltron?” file tonight, a San Diego federal judge has decided that a 43 foot tall concrete cross on public property could be interpreted as a government endorsement of Christianity.

Or at least government persecution of Jews, Muslims, and Transformers.

Don’t say that around Michael Bay or I swear Optimus’ll be hanging from this thing in part seven.  Now I think it’s worth noting that this is only the latest in a long series of judges ruling the Mount Soledad cross unconstitutional.  Legal wrangling over the status of the controversial eyesore has been ongoing since 1989 and it was already found to be unconstitutional once in the nineties and again in 2011.  Because it’s a giant, gaudy cross sitting on top of a mountain on public property and it doesn’t take a seasoned magistrate to see what’s wrong with that.

I’d say the best way to get rid of the cross would be burning it.  Shouldn’t be too hard to find some Christians to get on board with that.

Proponents of the cross have tried everything from making the surrounding space a memorial to selling the land to transferring it to federal jurisdiction to avoid complying with the constitution, and despite the fact that a church a few hundred feet from the present location has offered to keep it on their property, proponents fight on because what’s the point of having a 29 foot tall cross on a 14 foot base if it isn’t on the summit of a mountain?

Judge orders that Mount Soledad cross be removed:

And in “Salvation Arms Race” news, the War on Christmas rages on, as bell-ringer Kristina Vindiola was punched really hard in the arm, while collecting donations outside an Arizona Wal-Mart.  Reports indicate she provoked the violence when she started shouting anti-Christian epithets like “Happy Holidays”.

This may be the stupidest example of Christian dominionism.  Set aside that before they started getting all uppity about it most people thought of “Happy holidays” as a way of getting Merry Christmas and Happy New Year out in 5 syllables; even if it means what they think it means, they’re getting pissed off at people for publicly acknowledging the fact that some people have a different religion than them.  How dare some?

So an un-named “Merry Christmas Fundamentalist” heard Vindiola use slurs like the “H-words” several times, as well as other inflammatory synonymous phrases like, “BLANK-cember 25th”.  The Christian shopper obviously became incensed, and shouted back something like: “Don’t you believe in God? It’s Merry Christmas, you godless cunt!” – and then assaulted Vindiola for being a terrible Christian.

Salvation Army volunteer punched for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”:

And in equal opportunity genital joke news tonight, the Russian Punk Band Pussy Riot was released from a Russian prison last week when it was deemed that the national threat that their metronomic cadence and scaled down barred chords presented had sufficiently expired.

And the feminist movement takes another blow … which they hate.  The most famous all-female band in history still has “Pussy” in their name.  Pussy Riot surpassed the illustrious Pussycat Dolls on their climb to the top of the … tiny area below the glass floor.

The members of the all-girl band were originally imprisoned after recording a music video that criticized the Russian church’s support of Putin and in a theoretically abnormal abuse of anti-blasphemy laws, Putin incarcerated the group after painstakingly revealing the details of his evil plan.

And I suppose now that we’re this deep into the Pussy story, it’s inevitable that we put 30 seconds on the clock…

I can usually go twice that long.

Names for Vaginal Tribute bands.  Go!

Bled Zeppelin

Johnny Gash and Tennessee Twat

Cooze Traveler

Cleft Leppard

Blue Oyster Cunt

Queef Latifah

Molly Hatchet Wound

And for the ladies who like in the Jazz; Cunt Basie and the Kansas Titty 5

Phish … Tacos

Queen Crimson, maybe?  More like a gay joke than a pussy joke, I guess…

Grand Master Gash  


Meat Loaf Wallet

Fleetwood Crack

Pink Void: featuring Roger Twatters

Hoo-Hah and the Blowfish

Snatch Box Twenty

I have a few more, but I think that’s enough feminism for the time being.

Amazing that in 17 vagina puns we never used “clit”

I looked for one but I couldn’t find it.

Pussy-Riot members released from prison:

And just a few quick items before we close the headlines . . .

Item One: 61 years after UK courts convicted math and computer genius Alan Turing of being too gay while cracking Nazi cryptography, and 59 years after his related suicide, the living Queen pardoned the dead queen, and apologized that he was offered chemical castration via female hormone sex-change injections in lieu of jail.

So soon?

Item Two is a quick update on the would be Satanic monument on the Oklahoma Statehouse steps that we talked about a couple of episodes ago.  After receiving additional requests from Hindus and animal right activists, the state has declared a moratorium on new monuments, that will, of course, not affect the ten commandments monument that got this ball of shit rolling.

Oklahoma declares “moratorium” on displays at Statehouse:

Item Three: Human veal supply will spike after euthanasia was approved for youth in Belgium.  And it’s about time . . . When you eat Chinese children, you just want to adopt another kid thirty minutes later.

And quick, before it gets worse, we’ll close out the headlines.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back, I’ll be rejoined by Friendly Atheist Hemant Mehta to talk about what students can do to keep god out of their high schools.


Before we apologize awkwardly and claim it’s never happened to us before tonight, I wanted to direct you to a hilarious episode of the InKredulous Podcast featuring Jay Novella of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe, our very own Heath Enwright and our very own me.  You can Google InKredulous (with a “K”) or you can look for a handy link on the shownotes for this episode.  Huge thanks to Andy for the invite.

I also need to thank Lucinda for opening the show for us, I need to thank Heath for his humorous lack of a moral compass, I need to thank Hemant Mehta once again for a really productive and interesting conversation and I want to remind you that you can find links to his website and the Foundation Beyond Belief on our homepage and on the shownotes for this episode.

Of course, I’ve also gotta thank Dustin from the Atheist Nomads podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  His partner did one before but Dustin made more of the rock star entrance.  If you haven’t checked out their podcast yet you have noone to blame for it but yourself.  Again, links can be found on the shownotes.

I need to congratulate Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for Grinching all the joy out of Christmas for me this year by defeating me by less than four points last week in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, thus earning the first ever championship title in said league.

But of course, most of all we need to thank this week’s most exceptional vertebrates; Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane.  Steve-O, who’s so cool they measure him in Kelvin; Chester, who’s fortified with 13 essential vitamins and minerals; David, whose athletic prowess is so great he hold records in sports he’s never played; Ryan, who is second only to the Hokey-Pokey in being what it’s all about; James, who shall one day inherit a kingdom and make a killing with it on ebay and Magnus the Great Dane, who is, by default more correct on the god question than more than three-quarters of the world’s human population because even a species that eats it’s own poop knows better than to believe in god.

These six notable and noble humanitarians and caninatarians have justified the proterozoic leap into multi-cellular life this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the compassion, composure and competence to compensate us, but if you think you share Steve-O, Chester, David, Ryan, James and Magnus the Great Dane complementable competence, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you got duped by that old “better to give than to receive” line again this year and blew all your cash, no worries.  You can also help us a ton by leaving us a review on iTunes and checking us out on all the various social media places you frequent.  Oh, and check us out on Stitcher because I forgot to mention that the last couple weeks and our Stitcher ranking dropped so do that.

If you have questions comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 39: Partial Transcript

November 14, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Warning: The explicit language used in this show has been known to cause incontinence.  Will you shit yourself?  Depends.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by…

Schindler’s Listerine Pocket Size Kosher Mouthwash . . .

Did the Holocaust leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did a pedophile rabbi leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did Jewish cuisine leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You’ve got diasporas, pilgrimmages, J-Dates, pogroms … You can’t be carrying around big clumsy bottles.

For Jews on the go: Never forget . . . your bottle of Schindler’s Listerine.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…


It’s Thursday,

It’s November 14th,

And the date-rapist mustache is a weird choice for prostate cancer awareness.  

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from home of the nation’s tallest phallic structure, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Christians build an enormous airplane, to carry a smaller airplane full of bibles to Korea.

  • We’ll say “put 30 seconds on the clock” and then do 53 seconds worth of shit,

  • And due to sheer volume, disgraced clergy are no longer considered ironic.

But first, the diatribe.


I know I shouldn’t but sometimes I feel sorry for the theists that argue with me… or any well read atheist for that matter.  Jeremey Bien from Reasonable Doubts offered up a great analogy once.  He said that if you want to know what it feels like to be the theist in a religious debate, go find a well read vegan and argue with them about eating meat.  The facts are all on their side, they’ll beat you in the argument, you’ll eventually realize that you’re wrong and then you’ll go home and have a burger.

I always try to keep that in mind when I reach that point in a debate where my opponent is clearly intentionally misunderstanding me.  If you’ve taken part in any of these debates, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s the point where you actually see the wall come down and that fearful glaze appears and quickly disappears in their eyes and they mentally erase the point you just made and come back with, “But Jesus said Jesus Jesus!”

This reaction leads a lot of atheists to believe that there’s just no point in arguing with Christians.  You never win, right?  Well, if by “win” you mean that you actually get to watch them lose their faith in god and and admit that they were wrong, yeah, you never win.  But if you define “winning” as forcing them into the “Jesus said Jesus Jesus” phase of the argument, you never lose.

Greta Christina gives a great talk where she addresses this perceived futility.  She starts off by reminding everybody how pointless it is to debate with religious people.  They never listen, right?  And then she asks for a show of hands from everybody who was “reasoned” out of their faith.  And at least half the hands in the room go up.

When we debate, we’re planting seeds and it doesn’t matter that we never get to pick the fruits.  The seeds are there and if there’s one thing a religious brain has plenty of, it’s fertilizer.

I only point this out because it’s easy to miss the impact that we’re having.  Those of us with devangelical bent can look at our day to day success rate and get really depressed.  But if we take a long view, it’s damn encouraging.

We’ve talked plenty on this show about the statistical spike in atheism and that’s obviously the most important metric in this discussion so clearly we as a community are doing something right, but you don’t need pollsters and statisticians to see the difference we’re making.  If you want to know how far we’ve come, just look at the way the debate itself has evolved.

A hundred years ago people were still offering up positive examples in their argument for god.  They would point to things in the world and say, “therefore god”.  But as evolution, genetics, cosmology and physics have come into clearer focus, those arguments have been relegated to circle-jerks of stupidity.  The learned theists abandoned those positive examples and shifted to negative examples.  Instead of offering a case for god, they piss away their intellectual efforts poking holes in the alternatives.

Think about what a massive step backwards that really is.  You’ve gone from trying to prove that your god exists to trying to prove that the guy who says your god doesn’t exist is wrong on a topic that is only tangentially related.  Instead of “the human eye is awesome, therefore god” it’s become “the human eye could be less awesome, therefore possibly not un-god.”

Now, I don’t have to point out that if evolution were somehow proved to be incorrect, god doesn’t win by default.  If somehow it were proved that there’s no absolute secular moral standard that prohibits murder, god doesn’t somehow get promoted.  But the theists act like god is some kind of beauty pageant runner up or something.  Like he’s the vice-answer that gets to step in and take over if the real answer is ever unable to fulfill its duties.

And what’s worse is that they know that’s incorrect.  Sure, there are some ignorant jackasses defending Jesus that don’t recognize concepts like false-dichotomy, but there are plenty of damn smart theists arguing for god and they know good and damn well that knocking down evolution would really be step negative 26 toward proving god, but they still feel compelled to do it.  They know that before they can even get to their pathetic proofs they have to dig all that science and logic out of your brain to make room for Jesus.

Hell, I’m sure you’re as sick of hearing religiots saying “atheism is just another religion” as I am, but if you set aside how ridiculously wrong that is for a second you can’t help but admire what a huge win this is for us.  If their best argument is a false analogy that desperately hopes to prove that we suck as bad as they do, we’re clearly winning.

Every argument counts.  Every debate matters.  Every chip off that stone adds up.  Never lose sight of this important fact; everybody who has ever given up their faith, everybody who has ever set aside the prison of superstition and embraced reality did so because of one point; one question; one analogy  Sure, other people may have stacked a lot of hay on that camel before, but every time you put another straw on there, know that it might be the last one.


Joining me for headlines is “guy who sounds like Randall from Clerks”, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to wrangle out the door for everyone?

There I go, and I am a bersker.  And speaking of Jersey, congrats to the Red Bank Humanists, who put up an atheist billboard that hasn’t been righteously vandalized yet.  

Give them time…

In our lead story tonight, Hasidic rabbis are estimated to body rape about 50 percent of the young boys they are divinely tasked with mind raping.  Victim activist – Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg – believes (quote) “around half of young males in Brooklyn, New York’s Hasidic community […] have been victims of sexual assault perpetrated by their elders.” (rear end quote) Ben Hirsch, director of victim advocacy group Survivors For Justice, suggests the number to be EVEN WORSE!!!

I’ve been saying it for years.  Why do you think they make the boys grow their hair out like that?  Fuckin’ rape handles.

These numbers are only estimates, admittedly based on anecdotal evidence, so let’s say these experts are WAY OFF this time.  Give them a terrible margin of error: say 60 percent (or 30 percentage points) . . . That means as many as 80 percent of young boys were sexually abused!!!  With a floor of 20 percent!!!  In this extremely generous expert mistake scenario, a minimum of ONE IN FIVE young boys gets raped!!!

Yeah, but I’m sure there was some kind of rape four, get the fifth one free going on.

When asked about how these numbers stack up against Catholics, I imagine one Hasidic Jewish victim responded: (quote) “Altar boy?  I should be so lucky.  Over there, they roll dice, so you only lose one in six.  Here they just flip a coin.” (end quote)  This was confirmed by one boldly honest hypothetical rabbi: (quote) “How do we decide who to rape and how?  We flip a shekel.  Heads and tails should be self-explanatory.” (rear end quote)

Yeah, the bell curve keeps skewing the Catholic’s way.  I swear, Pope Franks for Nothin’ gives a few more handjobs to people with boils on the Twitter and the secular community might just forget all about the institutionalized child rape thing.

As a reward for whistle blowing all the whistle blowing, Rabbi Rosenberg has been shunned by the Hasidic community and attacked with bleach.  Muslims throw acid, Jews throw strong base.  They really are the Yankees and Red Sox of monotheism.  Before we wrap up this wonderful story, I’d like to applaud us for omitting the graphic details of the pedophilia witnessed in 2005 by Rabbi Rosenberg in Jerusalem’s holiest bath house.  At least atheists call a brothel a brothel.    

Hasidic rabbis rape about half the available little boys:

And in “Turn the Other Cheek my Ass” news tonight, Texas congressmen Sam Johnson is livid over an infringement on his freedom to tell other people what to do.  The cataclysmic affront to American values began early last month when the Air Force Academy chose to make the “under god” portion of it’s service oath optional.

What’s his complaint exactly? . . .  The earth science section of the bible puts god at 30,000 feet.  They routinely fly above that altitude.

Coupling his outrage over the service-oath adjustment with the ever-present fury over being named after a cock and bearing a striking resemblance to the pedophile character in Family Guy, Johnson lashed out with a proposed bill that would require congressional approval before any changes could be made to the administration of the uniformed service oath.

What the fuck?!?  Nobody’s suggesting radical, overtly atheist language anywhere.  This is the mildest change ever, and he’s complaining.  All that’s happening, is we’re no longer specifying the thing under which we are.  We’re not even saying whether that thing is or isn’t.  We’re just not addressing the prepositional concept of “under”.  So we’ve offensively ignored the ever-latent above/below duality in the oath?!?  Really?!?    

I’m guessing his justification won’t placate you much.  He said that (quote) “There are no atheists in foxholes.  We are the land of the free because of the brave” (end quote).  So setting aside the brazen douche-baggery it takes to act like brave and atheist are mutually exclusive, I think it’s important to note that this move was made to accommodate atheists in the military.  If, as Representative Circumcised Salami claims, there are no atheists in the military, what is he so pissed off about?

Airforce makes “Under God” pledge optional, Texas congressman is livid:

In “Darwin Awards Talent Search” news, Tennessee pastor and aspiring Indiana Jones villain – Andrew Hamblin – vows to continue handing deadly serpents to local stupid people, despite a raid by wildlife authorities that emptied his Temple-of-Doom-style snake pit.  

Sorry, but my inner-geek has to point out that in Temple of Doom it was bugs, not snakes.  The snakes were in the first one.

Indiana Jones minutia notwithstanding, the atheist community is buzzing, as we may have finally discovered a stupid thing caused by dogmatic adherence to wrongness books.          

See, I think you might be letting your personal biases color your appraisal of this situation.  After all, who are you to say that giving deadly serpents to inbred Christians is a bad thing.  I mean, we all agree that genocide is a bad thing when it isn’t voluntary, but this is new ground on the moral landscape here.

The level of stupidity does make it tricky.  Hamblin was asked: (quote) “Using the word ‘snakes’ three times, and a dumb redneck speech pattern, please tell us your opinion on the raid.”  He responded (quote) “It doesn’t bother me that they took the snakes, because I can always get more snakes. There can always be more snakes that can be found.”

Someone yelled “Not enough dumb redneck speech pattern!” . . .

At which point Hamblin added, “And that don’t deter me . . . [Go wait in the truck!]”

I’m disappointed.  I was hoping for him to put up more of a fight.  Something like, “You can have my snakes when you pry them from my cold, necrotic stumps.”

When asked for a final quote that betrays his untenable stance, accidentally making the atheist point for us, he said: (quote) “What bothers me is that this is not a place of business.  This is not a home.  Had this been a home or a business, yes, raid it.  But this is a church.  This is a place of worship.” (end quote)  We pray here.  This is GOD’S stash of heroin and dirty bombs.  This is GOD’S frenzied pack of herpetic wolverines.

Knoxville Preacher busted with illegal snakes:

And in part two of our weekly denigration of Texas tonight, polyamorous pastor Doug Phillips has stepped down as the head of the Texas-based “Vision Forum Ministries” after admitting to an extramarital platonic affair.  That’s right, when faced with overwhelming evidence that the married father of eight was fuckin’ the baby sitter, he admitted to having an inappropriate, but not sexual relationship.  I shit you not, (quote) “While we did not ‘know’ each other in a Biblical sense, [the relationship] was nevertheless inappropriately romantic and affectionate”

  • Worst clergy excuse since: “There’s nothing about the neighbor’s husband.”

  • “I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY because we did it Muslim style.  I knew her Kor-Anally.”  

  • “There might be some creationism in her uterus, but it’s not mine.  It’s one of God’s children.  My DNA test was immaculate.”

  • “I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY, but I poked my nose between her pages a little, if you know what I’m sayin’.”  

Phillips is an outspoken proponent of male “dominion” over women and preaches a notoriously sexist, arrogant and antiquated view of marriage.  Needless to say. news of his adultery left his congregants expressing shock that there were multiple women that would fuck him.

Well the baby sitter didn’t fuck him.  At most, she gave him a “know job”.  She knew him like a mohel knows a bloody, mutilated, infant penis.

While Phillips has stepped down as the public face of the for-profit ministry, he still maintains ownership and control in every way that matters.  He’s cancelled all his speaking engagements for the foreseeable future and intends to spend his time, (quote), “focusing on counting the 3 million dollars a year I rake in telling women to go make me a sandwich, motherfuckers!!!”

Patriarchy priest resigns because of extramarital affair:

And in “Felix and Oscars” news, the coveted homophobic “Bigot of the Year” at the Stonewall Awards goes to Pat Robertson, for being the person who most “gratuitously caused hurt and offense to gay people” over the last twelve months of the hate season.  

In our wildest dreams, we’ll never be as powerful a force for atheism as that frothing lunatic.

Seems to me like Robertson is the Meryl Streep of the Stonewall Awards, and deserves more of a lifetime achievement presentation.  But they couldn’t fit all that queer-hate into a single video montage, so they had to settle on highlights from this year only.  

And keep in mind that he’s a multi-instrumentalist in the bigotry orchestra.  He managed to squeeze award winning amounts of queer-hatin’ in while still hating atheists, Muslims, jews, actors, blacks, latinos, asians, Ukrainians… that guy is a machine.

So if you’re wondering how to gratuitously hurt and offend gays, here’s a few examples from a positive role model.  Start by comparing transgender people as a group, to your castrated horse.  Evidently, they hate that.  Then maybe suggest that laws against anti-gay discrimination are unconsitutional because Christians could go to jail.  Follow this up by pointing out that gays are just straight people who (quote) “had the god fucked out of them.”  Then round out your homophobic rant by asking for a “vomit button” for disliking gay shit on Facebook.  And finally close it with a line about the secret “GAIDS Handshake” dirty needle rings.

Pat Robertson wins “Bigot of the Year” award:

And in “What, no Manna?” news tonight, American pastor Eric Foley became the latest in a long and proud line of Christian missionaries who have gone to great lengths and expense to give bibles to starving people.

“I’m about to die of malnutrition, so thanks for this . . . I’d wipe my ass with the pages, but I don’t shit, because I don’t eat, so . . . I guess it’ll be nice to have something unreadable to look at until I die tomorrow.  You’re sure this is gonna work?  I skim the first and last sentence of each chapter, and I’ll be able to BS my way into heaven?  Apparently St. Peter is a shitty middle school English teacher.”

This latest misguided attempt at a high-fiber diet took place along the border of North Korea, where Christian mission group and sad attempt at cleverness “Seoul USA” has been surreptitiously dropping balloon-loads of bibles on the malnourished populace of one of the world’s most oppressive governments for months.

I’ve got a suggestion for where those bullshit-smugglers can put the balloons full of bibles.  Clergy experiment with “religion via suppository” all the time.  Doesn’t usually get them in trouble.  

When asked why they chose to sneak bibles into the country instead of useful stuff like food, medicine or anything other than a bible, Reverend Foley chewed on his cellphone or barked or something because you’d have to be a drooling fucking retard not to realize what an insultingly stupid waste of resources this is.

Korean Bible Drop:

And from the expansive “Christian Forcing Captive Kids to Do Stuff” file, school bus driver, Minnesota pastor, and asshole with roman numerals after his name – George Nathaniel EyeEyeEye – was fired from his more gainful employment for refusing to stop evangelizing to public school children stuck in his prayer bus.

That’s gotta make it damn hard to maintain the “back and forth jostling bus stiffy”.

After complaints of unsolicited religious advances, he was assigned to a different group of children, much like a disgraced priest.  Finally, after failing to heed repeated warnings to stop violating district policy and the First Amendment, EyeEyeEye was terminated.  The district of Burnsville will have to quickly find someone qualified to … silently drive a bus.

Okay, question one; the wheels on the bus go round and… what?  Okay good.  Question two; it is acceptable to theologically brain rape the kids (a) occasionally or (b) never?

This week’s set of headlines seem to have established a theme of mental rape more than usual, so I guess I’ll roll with it . . . Put in the worst possible words, kids do need to be brain raped to some extent.  Gotta learn.  But let’s keep it to a minimum.  Maybe just true things, if we’re making a rule about minimizing the brain rape.

Bus driver refuses to stop praying to captive children, gets fired:

And finally tonight, in part three of our weekly denigration of Texas, Pastor Phillip Heinze of the Calvary Lutheran Church in Fort Worth has learned that raping people’s brains is a lot like raping people’s assholes… it helps if they’re drunk.  This inspiration led him to start an outreach program called, “Church-in-a-pub”.

Fort Worth WalMart is installing a pub?  Texans can finally get drunk, buy guns, hate queers, and love Jesus, all under one roof.  Used to be two roofs.  

Firmly supplanting karaoke as the most annoying thing in a bar, the unconventional location for the ministry helps spread the word of Jesus to the segment of society most likely to be dealing with perpetually damaged brain cells while simultaneously sparing the congregation the expense of rent.

So at the risk of overplaying this bit, 30 seconds on the clock, Jesus themed booze:

Killed By Jews Booze . . . Gotta explain something here.  The reason we go after the Jews so much is primarily because “Jew” is a single syllable that works easily into puns.  It’s nothing personal except when it is.  Anyway. . . Holy Spirits – Game On! . . .

Jesus of Nazar-Ethanol

One Samuel Adams?

Glenn Beck’s?  No, fuck him . . . King James-eson?

Burning Busch

Remy Martin Luther . . . Origin and Tonic

Absolution Vodka

Well he probably didn’t like Rusty Nails . . . Screwdriver Up Against the Cross With a Twist?

Fort Worth congregation starts “Church-in-a-pub”:

And on that long list of reasons to take a quick break from recording, we’ll wrap the headlines.  Heath, thanks for your biting wit and insight.

And when we come back, we’ll be drunker.


Mark: C’mon in guys.

Matthew: Sup Mark?

Mark: Nothin’ much.  Appreciate you guys coming out.  Is um… where’s John?

Luke: He had a date.

Mark: A date?

Matthew: Yeah… he said he would just copy off our notes later.

Mark: Really?  I mean, we’re transcribing the life of god’s only begotten son.  Pretty important that he… you know, show up.

Luke: You got any beers?

Mark: No, Luke, this is serious stuff.  I figured we would stay sober for it.

Luke: (mockingly) I figured we’d stay sober…

Mark: So go ahead and grab a quill and some parchment there.  I figured we could just jot down a few notes before we got started.

Matthew: What notes?  We were all there.  Can’t we just tell the story the way we saw it?

Mark: Sure, Luke, that’s the plan, but this is possibly the most important story ever recorded.  It’s vital that we present a unified account of the events.  You know, for posterity.

Matthew: Sure, why not?

Mark: Okay, so let’s start with Jesus’s birth.  Jesus was born in Nazareth…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  Bethlehem.  Galilee.

Mark: What?

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  Bethlehem.  Galilee.

Mark: No, Nazareth.

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously):  No, Bethlehem.  No, Galilee

Mark: His last name is “Of Nazareth”.

Luke: Yeah, but they moved to Nazareth later.  He was born in Bethlehem.

Matthew: In a manger.

Mark: What?

Matthew: Yeah, because of the census.

Mark: What census?

Luke: Oooh… and his mom was a virgin.

Matthew: Nice.

Mark: Guys, that doesn’t even make sense.  Look, we need to take this seriously.

Luke: Oh, and check this out; how about three wise men showed up when he was born and crowned him the king of earth while he was still a baby.

Matthew: I don’t know about all that, but I like the virgin birth bit.

Mark: But that didn’t happen!  Guys, I think it’s important that we don’t exaggerate.

Luke: Who’s exaggerating?  If he hadn’t been crowned king, how else would he have escaped king Herod’s order to execute all the children under two years of age.

Mark: The what?

Matthew: And he had laser vision!

Mark: No laser vision.

Matthew: Aw, c’mon…

Mark: Look, I’m writing down Nazareth.  Jesus was born in Nazareth.

Luke: Fine.  I’m writing down he was born in Bethlehem to a virgin during a Roman census under the threat of Herod’s infanticidal dictum.

Matthew: And I’m giving him laser vision.

Mark: No laser vision!

Matthew: No beer, no laser vision… you suck, Mark.

Mark: You know what, let’s just… let’s just put the birth stuff on the back burner for a minute.  I mean, this story is more about his death than his birth anyway, right?

Luke: Couldn’t agree more.

Mark: So we do all agree that he was crucified, right?

Luke: Of course.

Mark: So they stick him on the cross, he cries out for god and then he dies.

Luke: Right.

Matthew: I think it would be better if… and just hear me out on this one, but wouldn’t it be better if he forgave his killers?  And then reassured the good thief and then like… offered himself up to god.  That would be way cooler.

Mark: Yeah, maybe, but that’s not how it happened.

Matthew: Well, maybe that’s how I remember it.

Mark: Guys, this is getting out of hand here.  Jesus gets crucified, he cries out to god and he dies.  They stick him in the tomb.

Luke: Right.  And then his mom and his lady friend went back to the tomb…

Mark: …wasn’t Salome there as well?

Matthew: …and Joanna.

Mark: And when they get there, they find…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously): Two men in dazzling apparel The angel of the lord

Mark: See, this is what I’m talking about.  It was a dude in a white robe.  It ends with them finding the empty tomb and a dude in a white robe.  The end, roll credits.

Matthew: Well, what about when he came back to life?

Mark: When he what!?

Matthew: Yeah, he appeared in a room in Jerusalem…

Luke: …a mountain in Galilee you mean…

Matthew: …to his disciples…

Luke: …and everybody else…

Matthew: …and he assured them that he would come again.

Luke: …and he had an army of zombies.

Mark: Guys, this just happened.  If you we write that he had an army of zombies and laser vision everybody’s gonna know you’re full of shit.

Matthew: Okay fine, no laser vision.

Luke: But we’re keeping the zombies.

Mark: We’re not keeping the zombies.

Luke: In my gospel, there’s gonna be zombies.

Mark: What do you mean your gospel?  There’s just gonna be one gospel.

Luke:  I thought we’d each write our own.

Yeah, that sounds way better.

Mark: Well… fine, but we at least have to get the details right, then.  I mean, how can we each throw out a gospel that tells a different story about the guy?  Who would ever believe that?

Luke: You’d be surprised.


Before we lick the plate tonight I wanted to thank everybody who checked out our CafePress site at CafePress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and picked up some of the fine logoed merchandise there.  I’m sure a lot of little faces are gonna be really happy when they unwrap that Scathing Atheist logo beer stein on Christmas morning.

I also wanted to let everyone who hasn’t checked out the site know that we have a special going on Scathing Atheist Christmas Tree ornaments so if you have one of those trees at the local mall that let’s people put up their own ornaments or anything, it’s six dollars and sixty-six cents well spent.  Also a great one to sneak onto grandma’s tree to get an awkward conversation started.

Also need to thank John and JD from the Rational Talk podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  They’re podcast is a new one, but it’s fun, it’s raunchy and it’s got a lot of promise; definitely one worth checking out.  The name makes it hard to Google so be sure to check the shownotes on this week’s episode for a link or check them out at THE Rational Talk (dot) com.

Also need to thank Lucinda as always for molding me into the human being that I am today through boundless reserves of patience and tolerance.  Oh, and also for providing the explicit language warning this week.  And also for that thing she does with her tongue and she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I also need to thank Heath for that thing he does with his tongue; and for all you know, I’m referring to all the talking and being funny he does on this show every week.  And while we’re doling out appreciation, I also want to thank Tony Romo and Dez Bryant for sucking balls against the Saints last week leading to an improbable and narrow victory for my Fantasy Team over Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, thus ending a three game slide and putting me back into third place as we approach the postseason.

But most of all I need to thank this week’s distressingly short list of the world’s best people, Robert and Thomas.  Robert, whose penis is rivalled in size and power only by the high water mark of the Mongolian empire and Thomas, whose evolutionary perfection would make his genetic code an international best-seller.  These two pillars of humanity have improved the lives of countless rational beings across the Virgo Cluster this week by giving us money.  Our donation system is, of course, highly selective in who it will allow to give us money, but if you think you share the pansophical cunning of Robert and Thomas, feel free to find out by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  And remember, the more money it allows you to give, the better a human being you are.

Oh, and a quick note.  Up to now I’ve done a song on every tenth episode.  I’ve got one written for episode 40 but with the Holy Babble segment and the poem and everything we won’t have room for it next week so you’ll have to wait an extra week to hear me sing about priests raping children.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight.  Remember people who give us a five star reviews on iTunes, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, follow the blog and like us on Facebook get eternal oral sex after they die, and if you don’t believe me, I can write it down in a book and then quote that book to prove it.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 31 Partial Transcript

September 19, 2013 2 comments

by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript may include portions that were edited out due to time constraints)


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.  So if you’re tired of the J Dubs loitering on your porch and you find that candles and birthday cake doesn’t scare them off the way they used to, turn to the experts in cruel and elaborate front porch security systems.

Act now and get three free alligators when you upgrade to the new moat and drawbridge package.  Jehovah’s Witness Protection, because there are worse things to have on your porch than a flaming bag of shit.

And now the Scathing Atheist


It’s Thursday, it’s September 19th and this sentence is a palindrome…

mordnilap a si ecnetnes siht.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from “Rapture City” New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Lucinda will join us in the Holy Babble segment to take the edge off the concubine gang rape jokes,

  • Christians will drink poop,

  • And we’ll learn that every time a pastor beats you off, a fairy gets its wings.

But first, the diatribe.


I’ve got a friend who has one of those jobs where occasionally you have to take phone calls from people who bitch at you for things you have nothing to do with.  Oh, and for our younger listeners, phone calls are like real time, voice activated audio-texts.

Anyway, so the other day I ran into him and he was dying to tell me about one such conversation.  Some dude had called to complain about some company policy that was set by somebody in another country.  So while he’s bitching, my buddy explains that he doesn’t actually set the company’s policies and has no control over them.

To which his animated caller goes all prematurely Godwin and tells him that he’s no different than the guards at them there concentration camps.

Exhibiting a nearly Herculean amount of patience, my friend calmly asks the guy to dial back his rhetoric a bit and then the jerk tosses out a response so indefensibly stupid I had to write a diatribe about it.

He said: “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a pastor.  I’m used to fighting for the weak.”

I don’t want to bog this down with boring details of the policy the guy was complaining about, so I’ll just say that him bitching about it had about as little to do with “fighting for the weak” as being a pastor does, so I can only imagine the befuddled silence and stifled laughter that the assertion actually provoked.

My first thought upon hearing the story was “fight for the weak, eh?  So you guys are paying taxes now?  Because every time I earn a dollar a chunk of it goes to the weak.  Every time I pay my property taxes they go to the weak.  How about you?  Who pays your tax-free salary again?  The weak?  Got it.”

But that’s far from being the most ludicrous delusion in that sentence.  This person is actually invoking a career in taking advantage of people, deluding people, indoctrinating children, fighting against reality, opposing social progress and believing in fairy tales, and for this he thinks he’s entitled to some level of respect.

I’m not just stupid, I majored in stupid.  I have an advanced degree in stupid.  I’ve devoted my life to stupid.

Well somehow I’m still not impressed.  I’d be more impressed if you had a masters degree in My Little Ponies because… My Little Ponies are actually pretty awesome and bronie or no, I guarantee you’ll find more morality in those cartoons than you’ll find in the bible.

“I’m a pastor…”  And for that you deserve some kind of deference?  You know, given the fact that we’re gonna be leading off headlines this week with a story about a pastor raping children for the third week in a row I don’t know how the fuck you try to attach that profession with morality.  If he said, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a pastor, I’m used to sexually abusing the weak”, I’d have simply applauded him for his honesty.

And you know what, maybe this dude does “fight for the weak”.  Maybe he’s out there right now with his metaphorical boxing gloves on kicking the shit out of hunger and homelessness at this very moment.  But if he is, it ain’t cause he’s a fucking pastor.  It’s because he’s a moral person.  The CEO for Panera Bread fights for the weak too but I bet he wouldn’t excuse his assholery on the phone by saying, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a CEO, I’m used to fighting for the weak.”

The very fact that such a thing as a degree in theology exists is an insult to education.  Think about it.  We’d be pretty fucked if we woke up tomorrow and all the world’s surgeons were gone.  Or all the world’s physicists.  Or all the world’s firefighters or teachers or plumbers or carpenters or jizz moppers or truck drivers or pharmacists.  And we’d at least be horribly inconvenienced if we woke up tomorrow and there were no podcasters, jugglers, musicians or masked vigilantes.

But what would happen if we lost all the theologists?  Where would we get our nothing?  If all the world’s pastors were abducted by aliens tomorrow, who would molest our children?  Who would fleece our uneducated?  Who would terrify our nieces and nephews?  Who would hate our fags?

Yeah.  You’re a pastor.  You wanna impress me?  Try getting a real job.  Like one where you have to take phone calls from assholes like you.


Joining me…

Joining me for headlines tonight is Noah Lugeons because if I talk first then you’re joining me.  I mean, we were both already here.

What the hell?  Next thing I know you’re gonna try to beat me to the lead story.

In our lead story tonight, a pastor in Iowa claims allegations of sexual abuse against him are just another big misunderstanding.  Ex-Pastor Brent Girouex pioneered a procedure he calls a Semen Exorcism, in which he jerks off kids until they stop being gay.

Alright, so the movie version would be called “Redeemin’ the Semen Demon” obviously, but I can’t decide if Michael Bay or Steven Soderbergh would direct.  One way or the other, Sharon Stone plays pastor Girouex.

He credits his success to such awful handjob technique, that even women do it better.  In particular, poor sense of cock, and also bad calluses – or the “lumber-jacking effect”.  Used in a sentence: “I got lumber-jacked by Pastor Brent, and now I prefer vagina.”

I don’t know… I’m finding his excuse a little hard to splatter on my tits.

One self-proclaimed rape victim – or exorcise partner – argued (quote) “But you can see how someone might think they were the victim of a gay pedophile, right?” (end quote) . . .

Isn’t it sad that pastor-rapes-child stories have to have an angle now to be newsworthy?  I mean, if it wasn’t for this dingleberry convincing himself that he could clear things up with the “Hey, it isn’t rape if we were praying defense,” this would be a non-story.  What?  Pastor raped 60 kids over a period of decades?  And how’s that news?

Somehow convinced he could smooth things over, the allegedly disgraced gay sexorcist allegedly spoke to detectives, and had words to say.  Here are those words.  Keep in mind, this an adult, talking to police about his activities with kids, trying NOT to get arrested . . .  

(quote) “When they would ejaculate-” Now right there.  Already a bad start . . .

(quote)“When they would ejaculate, they would be getting rid of the evil thoughts in their mind,” (end quote) . . .

And the science backs him up on this.  Thinking about ejaculating, ejaculating.  Those are the only two settings for the teenage male brain.

And in case you’re wondering if his punishment will be as stiff as his altar boys, 60 counts of sexual exploitation will land him in jail for as many as 24 hours.  He might leave after lunch, if he doesn’t manually service anyone inappropriately that morning.   

Yeah, he was originally sentenced to 17 years, but it was later reduced to probation and treatment when it was pointed out that the kids he molested were cured of their gayness.

New Rationale for Pedophilia:

And in convenient…

And in convenient archaeology news, an Israeli team has uncovered a new cache of Jew gold, and some other really old unfabricated stuff, proving conclusively that Judaism actually existed long before 1948.  Along with 36 gold coins, and a medallion with a menorah drawing, they found a tablet etching that read “Jewish Jesus was here first”.  

Well if nothing else, I suppose this finally settles the “who owns the temple mount” question.  Which is a shame because I was still holding out hope that it would ultimately be adjudicated by a winner take all wet-burka contest.

Just when Israel was about to cave, and peacefully concede a bunch of land to Palestine, they find perfectly preserved title deeds, corresponding precisely to all the dibs in the Old Testament, including Holy Water Works and all four railroads.  

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could talk it out like a Monopoly trade?

“Tell you what, I’ll give you Marvin Gardens and Hotels for Gaza, you give me the Temple Mount and that other green one.”

This all sounds like rock solid proof of cosmic historical ownership.  I’m sure they would reconsider if they ever found an Islamic artifact buried in Jerusalem, which they clearly have not.  All of a sudden, you might see the stubborn side of Netanyahu, as opposed to his normal, silky smooth, placating diplomacy with neighboring “so-called” countries.  Let’s all hope this doesn’t lead to instability in the region.  

Ok sarcastically mocking the Jews . . . Check.  Are the Christians up to any stupid shit?  

Jews find more jew gold:

And in “The… (pause) And in… you gonna…?

No, go ahead.

And in “the Holy Shit joke would be too easy” news tonight, a recent study has discovered that the majority of the world’s holy water contains dangerous amounts of fecal matter.  Because when we said the church was feeding you shit, we only thought it was metaphorical.

I love it!!!  Christians are honest-to-god shit sippers!!!    

The only way this gets worse for them, is getting that awkward email from Jesus, saying he has AIDS, and everyone who’s had contact with his blood should get tested.   

Austrian researchers sampled water from 39 different holy springs and church fonts and discovered that the water was so blessed with vitality it was home to some 62 million bacteria per milliliter, including E coli, enterococci and campylobacter, a combination that comes in handy for anyone who needs to projectile defecate through a coffee filter and then die.

Christianity: Drink shit and die . . .  

You’d hope the church will finally have to break down and apologize for LITERALLY feeding their shit to the public, then the public shitting it out, wiping it on their hand, dipping it in the church basin, and then ingesting more shit, and then lethally projectile shitting out diarrhea, which is made up of the holy shit they drank.   

Dr Alexander Kirschner, a microbiologist from the Medical University of Vienna, recommend that priests act responsibly and put up signs warning people that the holy water has as much shit as the sermon.  But loyal Christian sewage garglers point out that their only drinking blessed remnants of fecal matter.

“Holy water number two number two cause of Christians being full of shit.”

Majority of world’s holy water found to contain fecal matter:

According to a pastor in Houston, all contracts are void if either party has their delicate religious sensibilities offended.  Apostle Michael Canty of the Truth Ministries Holiness Church – which sounds like a government building in “1984” – refused to marry a couple because the bride’s dress was too revealing.  

According to the article on Friendly Atheist (dot) com, the family assumed the pastor was wearing out a crappy joke when he repeatedly asked where the rest of the dress was.  Upon discovering that no, this wasn’t the pre-dress or anything, the pastor demanded that the bride-to-be cover up her breast area and lengthen the dress.  In thirty minutes.  Or he was taking his balls and going home.

Granted, the so-called wedding dress looks more like a tear-away stripper warm-up uniform . . .

But demanding a last minute, iron-on burqa attachment is asinine.  

Yeah… nothing says slutty like “I now take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband.”

All things considered, you probably don’t want to be married by a guy with a visible erection anyway . . . But it is refreshing to see a pastor aroused by an adult female.   

“Anyone who objects to this bridal gown should forever hold his piece… or at least turn it to one side and tuck it under his belt so the bulge isn’t as noticeable.”

Priest Can’t Perform Wedding With Visible Erection:

And in “The-Strong-Forearm-of-the-Law” news tonight, it turns out that an Indonesian lawmaker whose career has been defined by a single-minded obsession with pornography is obsessed with pornography

Fifty year old conservative MP Arifinto championed a law that called for prison terms for everything from public kissing to displaying lewd artwork and then managed to get caught surreptitiously watching pornography during a parliamentary debate.

In fairness, it’s important to point out that Arifinto’s not usually known as a master debater at these events, but wanting to display prominent member status on the parliament floor, he must have decided to get his feet wet that day.  

Images of the newly-disgraced, newly-unemployed hypocrite drooling over PornHub were captured by a photojournalist and quickly found their way into newspapers throughout the nation.  Indonesia, which boasts the world’s largest population of Muslims could not be reached, as the porn-starved nation was busy rubbing one out to the blurred images of whatever Arifinto was looking at.

Anti Porn MP resigns after getting caught watching porn:

Well that’s gonna to it for headlines tonight, Heath thanks for joining me tonight.

    Well that’s gonna to it for headlines tonight, Noah thanks for joining me tonight.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to take some of the sting out of how bad the bible sucks..


Okay, so I think we can all agree that eventually this whole poem shtick is gonna wear thin if I don’t change it up here and there, so I’d like to now present the book of Judges, in Limericks.


There were a series of jews tasked with judging,

Through god’s incessant fits and begrudging,

So quick, alert CNN

As we learn once again,

That god’s a testy, forgetful curmudgeon


The first judge, Ehum, was left-handed.

The jews angered god so they got reprimanded

By an oppressive, fat lord,

So Ehum took his sword,

And shoved it so deep in the king’s gut it got stranded.


Deborah, the next judge, saw visions,

Upon which the jews made decisions.

Sisera’s armies attack,

So she goes with Barak,

And they use a stake as their chief ammunition.


Then there’s Gideon, whose kind of a dick,

He kills Midianites with a trumpet based trick,

With 300 men he achieves,

Something as hard to believe

As that god-awful Zack Snyder flick.


There’s Abimelech from just south of Ephraim,

Who figured all the jews should obey him,

So he tried to kill all his brothers,

But the youngest recovered,

And then suggested his subjects should slay him.


Then Jephthah who was the son of a whore

Took an oath; to the almighty he swore

That if his campaign didn’t fail

And god let them prevail,

He’d kill the first person that walked out his door.


There once was a fella named Samson,

He was strong, he could fight, he was handsome,

He set fire to some crops,

So they called the Ammonites cops,

And on his head they placed a king’s ransom.


So they demanded he succumb to the law,

But it turned out their plan had a flaw

Despite all their hopes,

He broke through their ropes.

And killed a thousand men with a animal jaw.


Then along came this chick named Delilah,

Who Samson had the urge to defile,

So as long as it took,

There’s good advice in this book:

Don’t your girlfriend be your hair-styler.


Ah, Judges, the disjointed and chronologically perplexing series of pointless short stories that really make you appreciate the parts of your life you spend not reading them.  So joining me to dig through this morass of spasmodic drivel is my lovely wife Lucinda.  Lucinda, welcome to the show.

Glad to be here.

And of course, to my left is my right hand man, Heath Enwright.  Heath, thanks for not stepping on my intro here.

Once is enough

Clearly Judges ranks high in terms of overall irrelevance, but let’s dive right in anyway, shall we?

  1. So basically Joshua is dead and god didn’t think to have the divine Rico chart figured out in advance like he did with Moses.  So they kill everyone because damn it, that’s what Old Testament Jews do.

    1. This chapter is all over the place but it has all the staples we’ve come to expect out of the bible.  There’s slavery, xenophobia, incest, betrayal but most of all, genocide.

    2. You know there’s a lot of genocide in a book when by the end they just start listing the tribes that weren’t completely massacred.

  • And just when you thought it was a little cruel to cut off the opposing general’s thumbs and big toes, the guy laughs it off, in confirmation of the Jews’ legendary comedic timing . . .

    • “You guys are gonna laugh too when I explain . . . I actually did this exact same ‘thumbs and big toes’ thing to seventy kings once, and made them eat my table scraps like dogs . . . So well-played Israelites.  I clearly deserve this.  You guys are a stitch.”  

  1. And of course, if you aren’t genociding correctly, you’re gonna piss god off so in chapter two he sends an angel to bitch out the Jews for not murdering thoroughly enough.

  • Yeah, a half-ass genocide’s never a good move.  That’s just normal mass murder.  That’s like swimming ninety percent across a river, seeing a few non-Jews onshore, and turning back without murdering them.    

  1. Chapter 3 contains the weirdest assassination we’ve encountered yet.  Ehud the left-handed, kills Eglon the fat.  He pretends he has a secret message from god, gets the king by himself then kills him with a sword he’d been hiding in his taint.  Then he locks the door so everybody will think the king is taking a massive shit while he makes his escape.

  2. Then there’s the only slightly less odd assassination of Sisera in chapter 4.  Here we meet Deborah, who is judging Israel at the moment.  She defeats an army with 900 chariots of iron.

    1. But during the ensuing battle, Sisera escapes on foot and he finds some chick in a tent and he’s all like “Hide me” and she says “sure, no problem” and then as soon as he falls asleep she drives a fucking tent pole through his head.

  • Right, Jael: Gentile Vampire Slayer.  How do you hammer a post through someone’s temple while they’re sleeping?  Did she tap it in really softly to get it started.  Just isn’t believable … Women hammer nails about as well as they merge in traffic and earn equal pay.   

  1. And then they relive the head-staking in song.

    1. I think Deborah is the first woman we meet in the bible that doesn’t get raped, murdered, sold, turned into a leper or forced to mutilate a penis.

  • Yeah starting with Judges, it looks like the Bible might start getting a little preachy with all the feminism.  I just hope their progressive stance doesn’t take away from the rapey narrative that’s been working nicely so far.  

  • If it aint broke . . .

  1. So god gets bored of fucking with them he appears to Gideon and tells him to kill all the Midianites.

    1. And Gideon is skeptical of course, so he says, “If you’re really god, make this rug wet when I wake up in the morning.”  Seems like an odd test of divinity… “Hey god, bet you can’t piss on this rug!” but apparently god passed.

  2. So Gideon gathers his army to attack the Midianites and god tells him “Any god could kick ass with that big an army.  Send all but 300 of them home, otherwise people will think I’m a pussy.”

    1. So Gideon sends home all the soldiers that don’t lap river water up with their tongue and they kick all the Midianites’ asses with trumpets and irrational fear.

  • And then these weird-ass canine-tongued soldiers lift their legs and pee on the fallen enemies.  A few of them start licking the blood from open wounds, and it’s a little gross, but still somehow cute and endearing.  

  1. Then in chapter 8 Gideon kills the kings and anyone else that fucks with him, then he takes enough wives to have seventy sons and dies.

    1. And something of a pattern is emerging here, because as soon as Gideon dies the Jews go right back to worshipping Baal again.

  • Seems like the only time the Jews STOP worshipping Baal is when some crazy fucking zealot announces the next genocide mission he heard from real god.  So the lesson we’re supposed to learn here is . . . You can spot a false god when they don’t sponsor regular tribal murder sprees.  

  1. Next we get the brief reign of Abimelech the Easily Provoked.  He wakes up one day and says, “Mom, wouldn’t it be awesome if I was king?” and then he kills his dad and all his brothers except the youngest one, takes over the promised land, spends a few years killing anybody who insinuates he has a small dick and gets killed by a chick with a millstone.

    1. And because the only thing worse than death is a vagina, Abimelech is stammering around with his head half crushed trying to find a man who can stab him to death so that people won’t think a woman killed him.

    2. “Will a man please murder me?”

  2. And since fuck originality, the Israelites piss off god again and he lets the Philistines make slaves out of them.

    1. So after a couple decades of slavery the Jews are going, “Okay, sorry about the worshipping Baal, again.  We’re sorry… again.  So you can go ahead and deliver us… again.”  And god’s like “Nope.  Fuck off this time.”

  3. And then you get this very weird story about Jephthah where he has to offer up his daughter because she’s the first person to come out of his house when he gets home.  Which apparently means… she has to spend two months on a mountain, never gets to fuck and has to be burned to death for god when she gets home..

  • He was clearly expecting his wife to come out first.  Or his whore mother.   

  1. Then the men of Ephraim get pissed cause Jephthah killed the Ammonites without them so they tell him they’re gonna burn down his house.  So he kills them and anyone with an Ephraim accent.  And then Jephthah dies because nobody survives through more than three or four chapters in Judges.

  2. And then we meet Samson, who was apparently immaculately conceived a la Jesus.

  • This is a tough sell to your husband . . . “So you know how I’m barren and you’re impotent . . . Well I talked to this angel, and he said if I can handle his angel cock, he’ll give us a kid who’s a main character in the book.”

  1. So Samson grows up, finds a Philistine chick he wants to bone so he tells his parents to go get her, because that’s how it worked back then.

    1. And then Samson gives his friends a riddle, which is bullshit because you needed to know that if you murder a lion bare-handed, you can later eat honey from its rotting, bee-infested carcass.  How is that an acceptable prerequisite for a riddle?!?  That’s what six-year-olds do when they try to tell their own shitty riddle.  

    2. Yeah, and then he gives his wife to his best man because he doesn’t like her.  Or his best man apparently.

  2. Then he changes his mind,decides he want to bone his wife after all, but when he goes back to get her, her dad says, “too late, dude, she’s shacked up with the best man.”

    1. So in a rage he ties torches to a bunch of foxes, lights them on fire and sends them running through their fields.

    2. So they demand Samson, and the jews tie oblige.  And then Samson goes all Samson on them, melts the ropes with his anger and then kills a thousand men with the jawbone of a donkey.  And don’t forget… this book is infallible.

  • So Samson took his bone from the mouth of the ass?  

  • You never go ass to mouth.

  • Just sounds unkosher.

  1. In chapter 16 we meet the foul temptress we knew was coming.  Samson falls for Delilah and she likes it kinky because basically the first words out of her mouth is “how can you be tied up?”  And I guess he likes it kinky too, because he keeps telling her new bullshit ways to tie him up.

    1. And he’s a bright one, too, right?  She says, “How can you be captured by your enemy?” and this isn’t a red flag to him.  After the fifth time he says some weird random “here’s how to capture me” lie then wakes up to find her trying it, he eventually tells her the truth, which is apparently that Barbasol is his kryptonite.

    2. So then the Philistines promptly shave him, capture him, gouge out his eyes and make him dance like a monkey.  But he dances like a monkey so long that his hair grows back so he brings down the temple.  And if he can kill a thousand people with an ass-bone, you can imagine how much ass he can kick with a whole temple.

  • Yeah he prays to god for the strength to kill himself and a thousand other people in a building collapse.  Turns out the first suicide bomber was Jewish.  Who knew?  It wasn’t the Buddhists like you were thinking, you racist.      

  • So when Muslim terrorists pull this shit now, it’s so hackneyed.  Samson did it!!!  

  1. 17 and 18 suck.  Micah, Danites, Shrine, Murder, whatever…

  2. And then shit gets real.  We meet some unnamed coward from the hill country.  He’s travelling from Bethlehem with his concubine, some old dude invites him to crash at his place.  So far, so good, until all the townfolk show up at the old man’s door demanding that he send his guests out so they can ass-rape him.

  • To be fair, in King James, they didn’t specify ass-rape.  For all we know, they just wanted to work with the ear, nose, and throat.  

  1. But we already know what to do in this situation.  Just offer the crowd your concubine… and maybe your virgin daughter.  So they shove the women out of the house so the crowd can rape them to death.

  • Right, nothing calms down a mob of gay rapists like some vagina?  Maybe they figured she’s a virgin, so it’s pretty tight . . . That’s almost like two assholes on one person.  More bang for your shekel … and your schmekel.  

  1. So in the morning this asshole wakes up, opens the door and there’s his concubine lying dead from being gang raped and he says, “get up! We’re leaving.”

  2. And when he finally realizes she’s dead, he brings her home, chops her into pieces and mails the pieces to different people with a note saying, “Israel really sucks these days.  It’s gotten to where you can’t offer your concubine to a bunch of salivating rapists without her getting fucked to death.”

  3. And it’s gotten to the point where you get disembodied abused-corpse pieces with your mail, too.

  • Can a man not block a rape with his whore-shield in this town anymore?!?  And speaking of which, can a guy get a decent whore-shield in this town anymore?!?  Maybe one that doesn’t DIE on her FIRST biblical rape mob.  It’s like having your starting QB take an injury in week 1.  

  • I thought this was the promised land!  Are we not in the promised land?!?  Do I really need to dismember my dead sex slave, to teach Israelites how to rally around a good cause again?!?

  1. So in hopes of putting an end to all the violence, the Israelites gather an army and attack Gibeah.  It takes a few tries, but eventually they kill the whole army, murder all the women and children, slaughter all the livestock and burn the city to the ground.  So that nobody else would get hurt.

  • “There’s lots of crazy tribes going around killing entire towns.  We’d be crazy not to start murdering some towns full of these tribes.  Hey Gibeah’s a town.”  

  1. And then you get the most high-stakes game of not-it ever.  The Jews say “We can’t marry our daughters of to these Benjamite scum, so let’s kill all the non-virgins in Jabesh-Gilead.  That should be enough virgins for all these Benjamites.”

    1. But it’s not, so then they decide to just kidnap a bunch of dancers to round things off.

  • I feel bad withholding all the Jew pussy from the Benjamites.  We should at least throw them a virgins and sluts party.  Half prude, half crude, lots of oil.  A righty tighty lefty loosy party.  Admittedly stretching the orifice jokes now.  

  • We forgive you.

  • But can I cram one more in there last minute?    

I don’t think we have room.  That’s gonna have to wrap up the Holy Babble this week.  Heath, Lucinda, thanks for not bailing on this insanely boring project yet.

Our next book is Ruth which is short for a pamphlet so we get a bit of a reprieve.  We’ll be breaking that one down in Episode 34 so until then fuck this stupid book.


Before we seal the envelope tonight I need to make a quick correction to next week’s episode.  I’m going to misidentify Charles S. Durnam as Charles S. Dunnum, and I just wanted to apologize in advance for that.

I wanted to remind everybody that I took part in a two part panel discussion with Jake Farr-Wharton over at the Imaginary Friends Show along with Martin S Pribble and Twitter’s very own Gamma Atheist.  Both episodes are available over at Imaginary Friends Show (dot) com, we had a blast recording and I’d highly recommend them.  You also find a link on this week’s shownotes.

I also have a few quick thanks to toss out.  Thanks of course to the lovely and talented Lucinda Lugeons for joining us this week.  Thanks to the talented but decidedly less lovely Heath Enwright for kicking ass, taking names and then kicking those names’ asses.

I also need to thank Phil from The Week in Doubt podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote.  He’s a very intelligent guy and it really comes across in his podcast.  It’s well researched, well presented and if you want to check it out, you’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most structurally sound arrangements of organic molecules; Henk, Bruce, Josh, Ryan, Else and Magnus the Great Dane, who is either a dog or an exemplary person from Denmark, but either way, makes my short list of people I’d most like to have at my side when fending off the impending alien apocalypse.

These superior examples of humanity and/or caninity have proved their worth to the species, the planet and the galaxy this week by giving us money.  Secure in the knowledge that giving us money is the universal currency of decency, Henk, Bruce, Josh, Ryan, Else and Magnus the Great Dane can maintain their claim to moral supremacy even if they should later take to a life of drugs, crime and aardvark prostitution, which they won’t.

If you think you have the superior wit, wisdom and worth required to give us money, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help, but you wasted all your money on food and diapers, you can still help us a ton by leaving us a 5 star review on iTunes, following us on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube and adding us to your favorites on Stitcher.  Or maybe naming an asteroid in our honor.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.