Episode 72 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed due to time constraints.
(For a complete list of links, please check out the shownotes under the “Shownotes” tab)
Warning: You can blame the Supreme Court for most of the profanity in this episode.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Apostate Farm Spiritual Insurance.
Are your teenagers starting to show signs of doubt? Have they taken to sinful vices like asking questions and reading? Well act now to lock in their absolution before somebody introduces them to the Euthyphro dilemma and the problem of evil.
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And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s July 3rd,
And Ken Ham’s Ark still doesn’t have the engine power to jump a shark like he wants.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “Plaza Hotel” New York, New York,
And “Grits Carlton” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
- Murder suspects in Nigeria can now avoid jail by pleading ‘atheism’,
- The SCOTUS will let Volkswagen send their Jewish employees to the special camps outlined by their sincerely held religious belief,
- And if you see a suspicious package, you’re probably at a glory hole.
But first, the diatribe.
December will mark the five year anniversary of the last time I was in a church. I’d been an atheist for quite some time by then, but my wife and I were visiting my parents for the holidays and after much cajoling, my dad talked me into attending the Christmas service. He’d found this great church, see? And I’d get a chance to hear him play in the band and he was doing a little one-man play during the service and it would mean so much to my mom and if I just said yes, he’d shut up about it.
So I put on my Sunday best, loaded up a couple extra episodes of the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe and sat near the back. But it became clear pretty quick that the church was too small and too crowded for me to get away with listening to podcasts the whole time, so instead I listened to all twenty six hours of the service.
It started off fine; a little story about Jesus showing up to wish himself a happy birthday with some destitute family. And then there was bad music and bad acting (sorry, dad). And then there was the main sermon (slash) screed in which the guy who pretends god exists for a living and pays no taxes on his home because of it stammered on all spittle-chunking, veiny faced about how persecuted Christians are in ‘Murica nowadays.
Now, when you and I hear “persecution” we think of the systematic mistreatment of one group by another, since that’s what that word means. But Christians apparently understand “persecution” about as well as they understand “evolution”.
Exhibit A is the fact that the persecutory slight that elicited the ire of my dad’s preacher was some waitress wishing him “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. That’s right. Failing to acknowledge the cultural supremacy of their savior’s birthday is persecution.
It’s their “go to” accusation at this point. They’re being “persecuted”. Anytime they lose a privilege that they never should have had in the first place, they cry persecution. In fact, if you go to “persecution dot com”, you’ll find a CHRISTIAN WEBSITE there.
Being forced to stop leading public school students in prayer is “persecution”. Being forced to serve gay people despite their brazen butt-fuckery? That’s persecution too. In fact, when Mississippi passed that bullshit law that allowed businesses to discriminate against gays, a bunch of businesses put stickers in their windows letting everyone know that gays were welcome in that particular business and the Christians called that persecution. We’re talking about a sticker that basically said, “We promise not to persecute anyone” and “The American Family Association” called that persecution.
And look, if it was just a bunch of silly hate-groups like the American Family Association pissing, whining and redefining, it would hardly be worth getting worked up over. But apparently this mutant definition of persecution has worked it’s way up to the god damned Supreme Court.
Now think about this for a second; if you strip away all the legalese, the real issue at stake in this Hobby Lobby case was the fact that the Christian owners of this business think that recreational orgasms are evil. And apparently it doesn’t matter that they’re wrong because they’re religious and according to our courts, being religious is the same as being right. Hell, their chief claim here is that certain contraceptives cause abortion. That’s not an esoteric god claim… it’s a demonstrably false claim. It’s been disproven by science and beyond that, it was already ruled to be demonstrably false in a previous Supreme Court case. So the Supreme court agrees that they’re wrong… they just don’t give a fuck.
Writing for the slim majority, Samuel Alito said, (quote) “…according to their religious beliefs, the… contraceptive methods at issue are abortifacients.” (end quote) According to their religious beliefs. Not according to fact. In direct contradiction to fact. Doesn’t matter. Because it’s a religious claim.
But of course, this isn’t really a case about religious freedom, it’s a case about Christian privilege. The court didn’t rule in favor of Hobby Lobby because they thought that the ACA violated their religious rights, they ruled the way they did because they, too, think recreational orgasms are evil. They ruled that way because they’ve accepted the bullshit definition of persecution that the Christians have been peddling for so long.
So they hide behind religious protection even if they have to pretend corporations have religions to get there. Can we prove that the morning after pill doesn’t cause abortions? Of course we can. Can we prove that orgasms aren’t evil? Of course we can. Can we prove that universal access to contraception is a good thing? Of course we can. Can they provide evidence of any kind to bolster their claim? Of fucking course they can’t. But none of that matters, because it’s religion. And it’s the right religion, too, because you can bet your ass that the Supreme Court that thinks corporations can have religions will feel way different if those corporations start bowing to Mecca.
Hell, they basically said that in their decision. They said this ruling doesn’t count for wacky shit like Jehovahs Witnesses not covering blood transfusions or religions that don’t believe in vaccines. Just this other exactly as wacky shit that happens to line up with the religious beliefs of five-ninths of the Supreme Court. The very fact that they made a distinction between this case and other similar religious beliefs is proof that this isn’t about religious freedom; it’s about Christian Privilege. It’s about weaponizing the bible as a tool of discrimination. It’s about cloaking your political beliefs in religion and protecting your undeserved social dominance.
The majority of the Supreme Court believes that it’s okay to let people make compensatory decisions based on an understanding of human development that’s been outdated since the first time the Wright Brothers got high, as long as their ignorance is sincerely held. Just that much more evidence that the Supreme Court needs less religion and more vaginas.
Joining me for headlines tonight is still reeling American soccer fan, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to vent?
How does that happen?!? Belgium’s tiny!!! I get it … they’re right there next to France, Holland, and Germany. Basically France with some good Arian genes … But there are enough soccer fields in this country to completely cover Belgium. We just lost to Mini-France … in a sport!!! This would be like Puerto Rico beating Team Europe.
In our lead story tonight, we have the extraordinarily fucked up case of 29 year old Nigerian chemical engineer Mubarak Bala who made the mistake of telling his family he was an atheist. Shocked by this admission, his family then launched into a series of logical, evidence based arguments in favor of their position… Which is a Nigerian euphemism for beating him, drugging him and locking him in a mental asylum.
And according to Sharia Lawyer Bello Shehu, Bala’s father had the family date-rape and abduct his son … to protect his safety … because (quote) “Once people got [a] glimpse that he is denouncing the existence of God … he could be lynched and the house set on fire.” (end quote) … So instead of anti-lynching measures, northern Nigeria pre-jails atheist lynch victims instead…
Now, I’m no psychiatrist so I don’t want to diagnose him from here, but if your dad holds the Orwellian title of “State Directorate of Societal Reorientation”, (That’s really his title!) maybe you do have to be nuts to tell him that Allah is a fairy tale. So I’m not saying the dude isn’t crazy, but one way or the other, you’ve got a dude imprisoned for atheism and that’s pretty damn wrong.
Shouldn’t the CIA be inciting a civil war there by now?!? The bottom half is Christian, and they have oil.
I’m sure they’re working on it. Mubarak alerted the world to his plight via Twitter using a stolen phone and immediately atheism’s online community leapt to inaction by signing a series of online petitions, or, as I like to call them, atheist prayers. Of course, I don’t want to downplay the social media campaign entirely, as it was no doubt the “Free Mubarak” hashtag that brought this case to international attention, which led to the London-based International Humanist and Ethical Union to take on his case… by starting another online petition.
Nigerian atheist put in mental ward for atheism: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/25/mubarak-bala-atheist_n_5529640.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion
And in “Up with false hope, down with dope” news, New Zealand had to remind the Universal Church of the Kingdom of God that they have a shitty name with two of’s … and that while they are permitted to blatantly lie in holy books and sermons, the world of advertising won’t tolerate quite that level of dishonesty.
Take that religion! You’re immoral by the standards of an industry that pays young women to fuck cheeseburgers on camera.
So this particular church put out an ad that basically claimed: “If you’re suffering from – among other things – deteriorating health and/or incurable diseases, then you’ll probably need to sign up for our Impossible Healing Class. There’s no charge, but most people donate 10% of their income … or estate.”
The fucking ad read like they had thirty seconds on the clock for “irresponsible things to claim prayer does”. Here’s the actual list of things the ad says they can pray away: Incurable disease, undiagnosed illnesses, injuries, weight problems, pill dependency and sick children. Yes, pray away your insulin dependency and your kid’s leukemia. By all means.
“Call in the next 10 minutes, and we’ll throw in a free homeopathic elixir bottle … Just add water.” Mark Hanna – co-founder of the Society for Science-Based Health Care (which shouldn’t have to exist) – noticed the ad, and given his extensive medical expertise, was uniquely qualified to dispute their claim about the prognosis for “incurable diseases”. He lodged a complaint with an advertising watchdog agency, and since falsehoods are banned, churches pretty much can’t say things in ads anymore. Good job New Zealand, for treating religion like cigarettes.
Well, unfortunately all the watchdog agency can do is tell them to fuck off, but they’re under no legal obligation to actually fuck off. I loved the church’s excuse, too; “we’re not curing the problems, we’re helping you convince god to cure your problems.” It’s basically like paying a hooker to introduce you to her slutty friend.
NZ government orders church to stop making claims that prayers do stuff: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/27/new-zealand-church-told-to-stop-saying-prayers-have-healing-powers-because-its-not-factual/
And in “Corruption Junction” news tonight, the Egyptian government has announced a new public education program designed to steer the nation’s youth away from the dangers of atheism. In what is being hailed as a commendable effort to insure that the high point of Egyptian civilization stays right where it was, the effort is intended to (quote) “confront all issues that negatively affect [youth] and hinder steps of development toward the future” (end quote). Such hindrances, apparently, include a post Viking-age worldview.
So they’re going for futurism via Islamic fundamentalism?!? … Apparently, after Arab Spring, comes Nuclear Winter???
Included in the effort to combat rationality are the Ministry of Civic Education, the Endowment Ministry’s “Mosque Management Service” and a team of psychologists, all working together to find the best possible way of inoculating Egyptian kids against knowledge. While children’s programs like “Credulous George” and “Where in the Underworld will Carmen Sandiego burn for her impious curiosity?” have been rejected, they are reportedly considering a public service campaigned entitled “The Less You Know”.
“I’m Barrack Hussein Obama – the world’s most famous Muslim – and I’m here to tell you, that women are a fire hazard during menstruation. Be safe.” … The Less You Know … (Sound effect)
The minister in charge of the program compared it to a previous effort to combat religious extremism, pointing out that much of the violence in Egypt stems from religious extremists and the people those extremists keep killing. He explained that (quote) “the ongoing conflict will lead youth to either be religious extremists or push them more toward profanity and atheism.” (end quote) So either we’ll be stuck with a bunch of well-armed, irrational, violent fanatics or we’ll be stuck with atheists that say “fuck” a lot and both of those are pretty bad…
Egyptian government to save it’s populace from atheism: http://richarddawkins.net/2014/06/govt-announces-campaign-to-save-youth-from-atheism/
And in “Throwing the Book of Mormon” news, attorneys for the Utah-based orgy club filed suit against disgruntled former head of their Canadian branch, Winston Blackmore, claiming his new British Columbia splinter sect stole their name by registering in Canada as the “Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints”, without approval from Vatican Salt Lake City. They also claim he clearly stole their idea of tricking the local government – and a bunch of women – into letting them get away with polygamy.
And while he was at it, he also stole his name from the evil industrialist in an episode of Captain Planet. Winston Blackmore? Really? It just screams sinister monocle and red button that says “do not press”. And if you think about it, how awful a person do you have to be before you think, “You know what would help my credibility is if people thought I was the Mormons.”
Said Winston Gargamel Blackmore to the Smurfs … Reports suggest a spokesman for Mormonism threw up a little bit of irony in his mouth when he made the following statement: “When weird polygamist spinoffs of Christianity use our name, it makes us look bad.” … And just in case you were curious, I’m told he did swallow back down the irony vomit, but had some trouble, and made a little bit of this noise: (NOISE!!!)
“And while we’re at it, we’d also like to sue Mitt Romney for the ‘Binders full of women’ thing, which made us look like assholes… and we’d also like to sue Clark Kent for stealing our magic underwear idea.”
So the Mormons are sitting around trying to figure out why book sales are down – and why people keep calling them for “tickets” – and they decided someone’s clearly messing with their trademarks, so it’s time for a lawsuit … “You guys think it might be the Tony Award winning Broadway musical that brutally mocks our entire existence? … Eight times a week in the middle of Manhattan? … Nahhhhhh!!! It’s gotta be that hugely influential cult leader in western Canada.”
Mormons™ sue polygamist for using their trademarked name: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/26/mormon-church-canadian-polygami_n_5521621.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Sometimes they fuck grown ups” news tonight, Catholic Reverend Sergio Librizzi was arrested in Sicily last Tuesday under allegations that he’d used his position as the head of a Catholic charity for immigrants to procure sexual favors in return for assistance in visa applications. This “Blowjobs for Amnesty” program has apparently going on for at least five years and, in true Catholic style, was by no means restricted to adults.
Another one of those fun mental images here … Catholic priest out there on the docks in Sicily … peddling his wares to fugitive stow-aways stepping off the boat … “Cocks for Docs here!!! Cocks for Docs!!! Ass ports for Passports!!!”
Librizzi was suspended by the church following his arrest. Bishop Pietro Maria Fragnelli released a statement condemning the abuse (quote) “Not only because it may be a crime, but because it… seriously damages the dignity of the priestly service” (end quote). Really, Bishop Fraggle Rock? You really think you guys still have dignity to lose? Because the only surprising thing about this is that he also fucked adults. And plus, I’ve seen your hat. Nobody with dignity ever wore an upside down pointed cranial scrotum to work.
Yeah maybe they’re hiding the dignity in the scrotum hat … Here’s how desensitized we are to priest sex scandals … The article about this from Religion News Service says: (quote) “The priest’s arrest is particularly embarrassing for the church given Pope Francis’ strong stand in support of the immigrants flooding the area.” (end quote) … So yeah, it’s the immigration issue … That’s the particularly embarrassing part.
Catholic “Blow Jobs for asylum” program called into question: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/06/25/italian-priest-charged-soliciting-sexual-favors-desperate-refugees/
“And spit … and wipe your chin … and Benvenuto in Italia!!!” … Moving on … In “I believe that we will sin!!!” news, Muslim theocracy nations had extra trouble this year competing at the World Cup, beyond the normal difficulty related to less talented players, and never getting a scrimmage due to international sanctions. In a perfect storm of lunar cycles, asinine rules, and FIFA governing, the tournament coincides with “The Ramadan” for the first time in 28 years.
And Ramadan is kind of like a holiday designed by people who want you to think suicide bombing is a good option.
Right, so “The Ramadan” is the month-long, big deal, pain-in-the-ass, Muslim holiday, during which time believers must spend dawn to dusk completely fasting from food, water, sex, and involuntary emotions. This means Muslim players think God wants them to spend 90 minutes running after a ball in the rainforests of Brazil, without a sip of water, or any food that day. It also means idiot busboys at my restaurant have their fucking bare feet in the sinks with raw chicken all the time. Because Allah wants you to bathe in salmonella.
You know, there was a point to Ramadan back when the villages needed to cycle through old people as fast as they could, but I think it’s outlived its usefulness by now.
There’s so much competition in this category, but the dumbest part of this, might be the fact that Muslims can’t even all agree on when Ramadan starts and ends. Seriously, if you google “Ramadan” it tells you a start and end date, and then says “Dates may vary.” That’s for real. It’s supposed to begin and end based on sighting of a crescent moon, but nobody is clear on who has to see the moon. So if these guys just don’t look at the sky for a few weeks, or if Brazil is overcast, they should be fine.
Muslim soccer players starve themselves mid-world cup because religion is stupid: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/28/world-cup-muslim-fasting_n_5538226.html?&ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000055
And from the “Just Say Pope” file, Pope Frank Zappa recently weighed in on the international debate on marijuana legalization with a resounding “no.” The expert in pretending mythology is real that believes in demons and zombies lent both his legal and scientific expertise to the issue, saying at a recent Drug Enforcement conference in Rome (fake quote) “we should at least give the mafia time to find new money launderers before we start fucking with their income.” (end fake quote)
Pope Frankinsensimilla continued: (fake quote) “Messi … Di Maria … Gooooooooaaaaaal!!!!!” (end continued fake quote)
Pope Framphetamine’s statements made it clear that he probably thinks that people who inject the pots see spiders crawling on them while they axe murder their families, but some experts speculate that this is part of a disinformation campaign to lead investigators away from the true source of that papal chimney smoke. And when I say “experts” I mean me. And when I say “speculate” I mean pull shit out of my ass. Because I’m no more of an “expert” on the pope’s bong that he is on marijuana policy and thus have nothing substantive to add to the issue.
Pope says no to legalized weed: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/06/20/pope-recreational-drugs/11035025/
And finally tonight, from the “Boobs, Tubes, and Lubes” file, Pastor John Piper – of the “Ask Pastor John” webcast – insists that watching a TV show that contains nudity, is equivalent to watching porn, which is equivalent to personally stabbing Jesus …
Which says to me that Pastor John is really bad at jacking off. “Every time I do it I end up with a spear wound in my gut and a crown of pearls… and those aren’t the stigmata most conducive to masturbation.”
Well the gut wound could be useful, but … doesn’t matter. So in response to a question on a recent show, which suggested drawing what Piper sees as an arbitrary line between Game of Thrones and ‘snuff films’, the pastor said: (quote) “If we choose to […] enjoy or pursue impurity, we take a spear and ram it into Jesus.” … So a kitten dies, and a savior gets impaled? … Well I stabbed Jesus twice since we started the headlines … And I’m not left-handed, so it was harder … More difficult.
And therein lies the key to the distinction. It’s no great mystery how to tell porn from a show with tits in it: Are people naked long enough for me to from limp back to limp? If not, it isn’t porn. You don’t beat off to Game of Thrones… you beat off after Game of Thrones. To porn.
I do both, but there’s still an obvious difference between porn and nudity … That’s why we have seperate entire words for them. But if this guy’s gonna try to include HBO and DVDA in the same boycott, it’s like getting falsely accused of cheating on your wife … All the hassle, no new pussy … So let’s come up with some actual porn versions … 30 seconds on the clock … “Pornified TV Shows to Spite the Savior” … GO!!!
Dr. Who’s Your Daddy?
If we’re talking HBO Series, it begins and ends with “Cream On” … Well, ends …
I’m was sure you were going with “So-pornos”. How about… Charles Enlarge?
“The Big Wang Theory”
“Splooge McDuck Tales” … “Fuck Tales with Splooge McDuck”???
And just because I’m sick of people saying it can’t be done: “Whore Minge is the New Black”
“Happy Sprays” … And with a black light, you’ve got “Glowing Stains”
We Love Lucy… from both ends. Like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs.
Can’t believe we haven’t mentioned any “Inter-racial Little Midget People Handjob” stuff yet … Wouldn’t want to accused of being remiss … or racist … What about “Different Strokes”???
“Honey Boo-Bukkake”… and just try not to let that one conjure any mental image at all, by the way.
Everyone must absolutely google “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” and also “Bukkake” … That’s B-U-K-K-A-K-E … Bukkake.
And when you do, remember, some photoshops can probably get you thrown in jail.
Ok so, inter-racial midget handjobs: check. Bukkake: check. As long as we’ve got the Yahtzee sheet right here … We don’t have any “Urine” category stuff yet, so … “Golden Shower Girls”??? … Pee Arthur ???
Yeah, but at their age the golden shower is rarely intentional. Which reminds me, how about “Breaking Bladder?”
Maybe a gay version: “Piddle Douse on the Faerie” … #1 new show on the Nitrogen Network
…and you better hope it doesn’t drop to number two.
Slippery slope … Shit like “21 Dump Street” … “2 Broke Girls, 1 Cup” … “Thunder Scats”
Christian Math: Looking at naked people = recrucifying Jesus http://www.charismanews.com/culture/44403-john-piper-watching-nudity-on-shows-like-game-of-thrones-is-recrucifying-christ
Well any headlines segment that ends with shit jokes is a good headlines segment, as I always say, so we’ll wrap it up there. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
“Pee Wee’s Spray House”?
And when we come back, Jake Farr Wharton will be here to give the show an air of international allure.
“My Snow-Balled Wife” … “Girth: Va-Ginal Conflict”
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show, this is the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to get you caught up on all the great atheist, secular and skeptical meetups going on around the country and around the world.
We did all the July stuff last week, but there’s a ton going on in August as well. We’ll start off this week in San Antonio, where the Freethinkers Association of Central Texas is welcoming David Smalley of Dogma Debate Radio for a showing of the film “My Week in Atheism”, complete with a Q&A. Doors open a bit after noon and the show starts at one.
The Atheist Alliance of America will be holding their annual convention in Seattle this year, that starts on the 7th of August and runs through the 10th. Sean Faircloth, Dr. Steven Pinker, Dr. Richard Carrier and more. And from what I hear, these guys put together one of the best conferences in the country, so if you’re anywhere near Seattle, make that happen.
On the same weekend we have the Oklahoma Freethought Convention starting on August 9th. That’ll be in Tulsa and will welcome the Secular Coalition for America’s Executive Director Edwina Rogers along with Jamila Bey, CJ Werleman, Nathan Phelps and the author of the Skeptics’ Annotated Bible, Steve Wells. It’s a two day conference in the part of the country that needs it most.
We’ve also got the 3rd annual Colorado Secular Conference coming up on the weekend of August 15th. Starts Friday, runs through Sunday and welcomes such notable luminaries as Jamila Bey, Mikey Weinstein, Greta Christina, Matt Dillahunty, Seth Andrews, Hemant Mehta and more, including some comedians, some music… great line up and weed is legal there from what I understand so all kinds of reasons to make it out for this one.
At the end of the month the Pennsylvania State Atheist/Humanist Conference is taking place in Pittsburgh. Really solid line up there including Jerry Coyne, Annie Laurie Gaylor, Jerry DeWitt, Vickie Garrison, friend of the show Dan Fincke, John Loftus and a lot more.
And finally, no matter where in the world you happen to be, you can join Freethought Blogs 3rd annual online conference. They’ve done some really cool stuff with it before and though the schedule isn’t set for this year yet, I’ll provide links where you can get the most up to date information as it becomes available.
You’ll find those on the shownotes for this episode along with links for all the events we’ve discussed today. And if you’re involved with a conference that our audience might want to attend, let me know and I’d be happy to throw you a free plug. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
This Week in Misogyny:
I know that sometimes it can seem hard to pick your way through all of life’s choices, but have no fear ladies; the powers of paternalism are working hard to save us all that trouble. So first, let’s get rid of that pesky question of what you should major in.
And it turns out the answer to that question is… nothing. That’s the advice of Rabbi Shalom Cohen, the spiritual leader of the Shas Political party in Israel, who reminds women in college that they’re taking up valuable seat space that could have a scrotum in it. In a strongly worded letter to the ultra-orthodox community, he warned about the dangers of women seeking higher education.
In the letter, he said (quote) “Our rabbis, the sages of Israel, unconditionally opposed academic study,” adding, (quote) “In addition, the material in the colleges is based on research and scientific methods that contravene the Torah!” (exclamation point, end quote). So yeah, not only are these evil women learning stuff, but they might be in danger of learning true stuff.
Israel Rabbi – Women shouldn’t go to college http://www.timesofisrael.com/shas-spiritual-leader-women-shouldnt-go-to-college/
But now that you’re armed with your lack of education, what kind of job should you be looking for? Well, according to Georgia congressional hopeful Barry “Exploding Tits”… no… I’m sorry, Barry Loudermilk, you might want to consider a career in politics. Just make sure it’s okay with your husband first. And once you’re in office, be sure to ask him what you should do.
Loudermilk dropped these pearls of wisdom in the middle of a bigoted tirade about how the first amendment really only applies to Christians. So yes, the thing about female politicians wasn’t even the dumbest thing he said during that statement.
Georgia Politician says it’s okay for women to hold office if their husbands let them: http://www.alternet.org/southern-goper-says-only-christians-should-be-protected-constitution
Of course, now that employers no longer have to cover “women medicine”, you might be considering celibacy. But if a career in the Catholic church appeals to you, you’ll still have a stained-glass ceiling to contend with.
In the first interview of his papacy with a female reporter, Pope Francis essentially spent the entire time dodging questions and visibly restraining from telling the reporter to go make him a sandwich. When asked directly if he thought there was an underlying misogyny in the Catholic Church, the pope said, “The fact is, woman was taken from a rib.” And then he laughed. And told her it was a joke. Twice. Because apparently the uppity bitch wasn’t laughing.
Pope jokes “Woman are just from ribs” http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/06/29/pope-francis-jokes-woman-was-from-a-rib-as-he-avoids-question-about-catholic-churchs-misogyny/
That’s all I’ve got for you this week, but I’d like to close tonight with a special “go fuck a cheese grater” to John Roberts, Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Anthony Kennedy and the fat Catholic one that thinks the devil is real.
Poem – Ecclesiastes
A Christian kid goes to his church and says, “Hey Holy Father,
I’m trying to read the bible and I hate to be a bother,
But I think someone removed the parts that act as moral guides,
And replaced them with some boring, sexist, racist genocide.
“I’m combing through and seeking all the good stuff you allude to,
But instead I’m stuck with cryptic, Jewish, sacrificial voodoo.
The forgiving, loving, merciful, wise Lord I hoped to find,
Is absent. In his stead’s there’s one who’s lost his fucking mind.”
And the priest said “Son, within this book’s the wisdom of the ages.
The secrets of the lord’s desires are dripping from it’s pages.
The way the universe was wrought, the point to our existence,
But if you want to read it right, I’ll offer my assistance.
“You see you can’t just read it Genesis through Revelations,
As some eternal laws have reached statutes of limitation.
There’s a certain way of reading through these bronze aged Jewish epics,
That ensures you miss the bad stuff and find the precious bits of ethics.
“In Genesis, the benefits are done by chapter two.
You know the stories after that, so it’s better to thumb through.
With Exodus, the rest of us, have studied that one for you.
The Heston flick is better but even that one’s sure to bore you.
“Leviticus? A bit of this is pertinent today.
But none of it applies to you, unless, of course you’re gay.
And Numbers? What a slumber reading that one would induce.
Trust me, half the book is just spent counting all the jews.
“Deuteronomy has gotta be the hardest book to read.
There’s nothing there you need to know, that much I’ll concede.
With Joshua, my gosh, you want to skip past that as well.
And ignore the folks that tell you that one’s violent as hell.
“And Judges? No one trudges through that long and pointless text.
Samson’s pretty cool but all in all it leaves you vexed.
To tell the truth the book of Ruth is really short and ungermane.
You can read it if you want to, but it’s better to abstain.
“Samuel through Chronicles will leave you catatonic, full
Of history that’s blisteringly dull and histrionical.
Ezra’s just an extra little post-exilic tale,
No need to bore yourself with it’s superfluous detail.
“Nehemiah’s just some guy, ya know, he doesn’t do that much,
And Esther’s just yer average Jewish princess with a grudge.
Your frontal lobe will reel at Job, as the moral’s pretty brutal.
It basically says being good and loving god is futile.
“Stay calm when you see Psalms, cause it’s a million pages deep,
And sure, some of them are decent, but it’ll put your ass to sleep.
And don’t bother with the Proverbs, despite their wise, profound appearance.
If you read the bits on beating kids you’ll be frightened of your parents.
“But when you reach Ecclesiastes, settle in and take your time.
The Old Testament will never get any closer to sublime.
So read each chapter there and savor every fucking word,
Because the eighteen books that follow are increasingly absurd.
“Then just skip ahead to Jesus, the Lord’s sole begotten son.
Read a little bit of Matthew, John Three Sixteen and then you’re done.”
But the kid responded, “Father, there must be some better way.”
So the priest said, “Sure, just skip the book and trust everything I say.”
Bible Story – Noah’s Ark
Gather ‘round boys and girls. Today we’re gonna open our bibles up to Genesis and learn about the biggest temper tantrum that god ever threw. And there’s animals so it’s a good story for kids your age, even though almost all of them die.
Now, once upon a time there was a man named Noah who had a wife and three sons. And there were also rock monsters, wolves with scales and Anthony Hopkins, apparently.
Back in Noah’s time, all the people were evil. But Noah was less bad than the other people, so God decided to speak to him. And he told Noah that he was really, really angry because all the people kept being so evil. So god decided that he should drown every single one of them along with their kids and their babies and their animals and the wild animals and most of the plants. Because otherwise, people would suffer.
But luckily for Noah and his family, God decided to let them live, along with two of each of the animals. Because if god didn’t love incest so much, he probably wouldn’t have fucked his own mother.
So Noah built a giant ark just like god asked, even though he was six hundred years old and it was impossible. And once he was finished, all the animals of the world showed up to file into the boat. And each of them carried a backpack full of 365 lunches so they wouldn’t get hungry along the way.
And then it started to rain. And Noah and his family got into the boat, listening mercilessly to the echoing screams of humanity, desperately clinging to driftwood and tree tops as the inevitability of their expiration became clearer. The few who were lucky enough to survive the first day or two were treated to a horizon full of bloated corpses as the wildlife began to float to the surface. And as the incessant rains brought them closer and closer to oblivion, they comforted themselves with the fact that their demise would at least bring an end to the horrid stench of death.
But inside the boat, Noah and his family were safe. So after a whole year spent shoveling shit and eating ever moldier bread on a boat full of urine stained floors and unwashed animals, the waters finally started to go back down. Noah parked his boat on top of a giant mountain and proceeded to get completely shit faced. After all, if your dad was stuck in a boat with you for a year, he’d want to get drunk too.
And it must have been a really good binge because he passed out completely naked. But while he was unconscious in a puddle of dried vomit, his son Ham saw his penis and did a shameful act. The bible doesn’t tell us what that shameful act was, but after the story, we’ll break out the crayons and you can draw a picture of what you think it was.
Now, because of the thing Ham did, his son was cursed for all eternity. And even the people who weren’t cursed had to have sex with their own family and stumble over the necrotic carcases of god’s innocent victims for the rest of their lives.
It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show where we piss off the people who wrote in to tell us how pissed off they already were. But we also answer questions and stuff.
Our first message comes from Atheous who told us on our Patreon page that he likes the longer episodes more than the girthier ones, but wonders if we can rib the episodes for his pleasure.
Not sure where you have those headphones, bro, but if you’ like I can add some rhythmic bass here and there.
Ears, nose, throat … We’ll find the clit eventually.
We also got an email from Mark who asked why we spend so much time covering gay rights issues. He makes it really clear that he’s not faulting us for it, but wonders why our show and so many of the voices in the atheist community are so outspoken about gay rights.
We’re actually outspoken about human rights … We just have a much more reasonable definition of ‘human’ than churches, or Citizens United.
Yeah, the way I see it, the religious folks are picking on the people that they see as “on the margins of society”. And not only do we have a moral obligation to help them, but atheists are probably the next minority in line to lose their rights if Christians get their way in this country. So it’s like a really altruistic self-interest.
John was pretty pissed off about the close of last week’s headlines segment. Noah made a joke about the barbaric history of British colonialism, I followed it up with a joke about Nazi appeasement (which I’m fully aware was what the US did) and we finished with a joke about how England would have been useless in World War Two without the aid of their former colonies. And John took exception, without hearing the tacit satire sound effect that goes along with most of the things I say on the show. But I think there was also an editing thing with a joke about France.
Yeah, so first of all, apologies to the audience and to Heath. A little of that got cut in editing so it kind of sounded like Heath said England was occupied by Nazi Germany. He didn’t. That was my bad. As for the bellicose, nationalistic dick-waving that made up the rest of John’s comment, the gist of it was that British people are superheroes and Americans are cowards and he might be right on that, I’m not sure. I’m willing to admit that America has historically been guilty of failing to rush to war fast enough, but I think it’s obvious that we’re working on that.
Yeah now we’ll war on your face before the condom’s unwrapped. Don’t worry though, we’ve already got Halliburton ready to clean you up.
Yeah, so for the record, I’m sorry three throw away lines at the end of a bit failed to fully encapsulate the nuances of the most complex global conflict in human history.
Right… we don’t actually think the Brits were really polite to the Nazis and threatened to tell America that they weren’t being nice to the Jews. And while we’re on the subject, we also don’t really think that the average Nigerian spends their day jogging with herds of gazelles. It’s all a stupid patriot act. In all seriousness though, I’m fully aware that American foreign policy over the last century has been largely awful and destructive, whereas the UK has been relatively reasonable over that same time. And fuck France! Am I right, or am I right?!? This guy knows!
But I did want to make one correction John pointed out. I said during that bit that England “until recently” had Charles Darwin on their money. I read last year he was getting bumped for Jane Austen, but I didn’t realize that didn’t wasn’t happening until 2017, so my bad on that.
And finally we have an email from Gregg whose job recently landed him in the secular, progressive haven of Tennessee. He’s new to the bible belt and wrote to us hoping Noah could offer some advice on how to handle the transition.
Yeah, and Gregg mentioned in his email that he’s not looking for confrontation so my first eleven pieces of advice are out the window.
How about “Don’t live in Tennessee.” … or “Learn to be confrontational.” ???
Honestly, that’s part of it. Because you can avoid it most of the time, sure, but eventually you’ll find yourself in that position, so it’s good to be ready for it. But I was thinking this would lend itself to a quick top ten list. So here’s our top ten ways to politely turn down an invitation to church.
- 10 “Can I bring my lesbian friend? She could use a good stoning.”
- 9 “I don’t know, when I go to church my stigmata always flares up.”
- 8 “I’d love to, but I’m part of a secret society… I don’t think I need to mention the name… and we meet on Sundays”
- 7 “Something about the music really gets to my tourettes”
- 6 “He’s lying. I’m the one- FUCK!!! ASS!!! … I’m the one with Tourette’s. But Noah, you should go. You’ll enjoy- CUNT!!! You’ll enjoy it.”
- 5 “Awesome! I’ll bring my athame and my goat’s skull.”
- 4 “So it’s kind of like an open-mic night?”
- 3 “Is Christianity the one with the Autobots and Decepticons?”
- 2 “Sorry, I do football on Sunday. No time for another fantasy league.”
- 1 “I’d love to, but churches are evil institutions designed to fleece the masses whilst cloaking the unscrupulous acts of those that lead them and I’d probably get pissed off enough to shit on the pulpit.”
And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, send us more emails. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Before we tuck you in tonight, I want to thank Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast for inviting Heath and me on to help him celebrate his 100th episode. That episode is available now and you’ll find it linked on the shownotes for the episode. Star studded cast, a lot of rather brutal humor at Carl’s expense… great time.
Also, a quick request to anybody who’s going to TAM, lot of really big names there and if a couple of our listeners made an effort to talk a few of the speakers into perhaps recording a Farnsworth Quote on their phones, I’d greatly appreciate it. The first person that snags one from Bill Nye, Dan Dennett or Steven Novella and sends it to me gets a free autographed copy of our book.
Anyway, that’s all the blasphemy we have for you today, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. Of course I can’t cue the music until I’ve thanked Heath for his quintessential Heath-ness. I need to thank Lucinda for not one but two awesome contributions this week. Also need to thank Oliver from the brand-spanking new “All Too Common Law” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. His show is just getting started but it strikes me as damn informed. If you want to check it out, you’ll find a link on the shownotes to this week’s episode.
Of course I need to thank Jake one more time for joining us. Incredibly nice guy, funny as hell and one of the voices our movement is lucky to have. His podcast, The Imaginary Friends Show is definitely one of the shows that inspired this one so if you haven’t checked it out yet, you’ll want to make that happen. You’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes as well.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most distinguished disbelievers; Danna, Chris, Rondi, Woof, Scott, Shane, Nancy, Jonathan, George, Lee, Jeff, other George, other Chris, other Jonathan, Craig and Michael. Danna, Chris, Rondi and Woof, who are so clever they put iocane powder in both cups; Scott, Shane, Nancy and Jonathan, who mosquitos know better than to fuck with; George, Lee, Jeff and other George, whose neuronal pathways needed an HOV lane; and other Chris, Other Jonathan, Craig and Michael, who are so sexy they can masturbate to themselves masturbating.
These sixteen candles in the dim stretches of ignorance have helped insure that future generations inherit a world with less religion, less irrationality and more archived dick jokes by giving us money. Not everyone has the money it takes to give us money, but if you have money that you don’t need for important stuff, you can give it to us.
You can do so by making a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, which you’ll find linked on our website, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. I’ll compliment your sex organs either way.
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If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.