Posts Tagged ‘atheist comedy’

Episode 140 – Show Notes

October 22, 2015 3 comments

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FreeFlo; Orlando, FL – Nov 6th to 8th:

Skepticon; Springfield, MO – Nov 13th to 15th:

Hungarian Skeptics Conference – Nov 14th:

Piedmont Humanists Feast of the Spaghetti Monster; Greenville, SC – Nov 14th

NZ Skeptics Conference; Christchurch, NZ – Nov 20th to 22nd:

Atheists of Facebook online convention:


Check out Mr. Angry Beard’s blog here.


Researchers report magnetic brain stimulation can reduce religiosity:

Huckabee casually endorses biblical slavery:

Emboldened Texas PD putting actual bible verses on vehicles:

Religion is mad about Justice Department’s plan to prosecute hate groups:

DC Church leader claims bike lane infringes on religious freedom:

WBC v. Big Kim:

Irish kid’s book makes Virgin Mary sound even more like a rape victim:

Public school football coach doesn’t fucking get it:

P-Robes makes it too easy:

Caller asks P-Robes why he needs a doctor if he has faith:

P-Robes warns against gay relatives bringing “friends” to Thanksgiving:

MS Public school teacher being a dick to atheist students:

Bakker: Satanic temples are hidden in Planned Parenthood clinics:


Diana West: Feminism leads to gangrape:

Crazy Bitch: Multiple sex partners is basically the same as rape:

Emasculation of our country leading to women in the military:

Episode 139 – Shownotes

October 15, 2015 1 comment

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Click Here to learn more about the Atheist Alliance conference in Atlanta


Click Here to follow the Chairman of Guam on Twitter

Click Here for more info on Knoxville Atheists


Anti-Muslim rallies around the country:

TX gov. blasts malicious atheists over cop car Jesus sticker controversy:

USAF contractor allegedly fired for being a witch:

Catholic priest suspended after saying pedophelia is the fault of children “seeking affection”

Bobby Jindal: “Presidential prayers would solve gun violence”

CA Pastor: “Vampires are polluting our minds”:

More southerners freaking out about schools acknowledging existence of Islam:

Mother Teresa’s charity ends India adoptions for fear of gays and divorcees:

India seeks astrologer’s help to keep pilgrimage safe:

Theodore Shoebat: Homosexuality leads to cannibalism; also, kill non-Christians:


Nigerian Pastor: “Women who fuck from above will spend eternity down below”

Saudi Cleric: In the afterlife, the virgin’s breasts are like pomegranates:

Bristol Palin pissed that women are getting free birth control:

Episode 137 – Shownotes

October 1, 2015 2 comments

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Click Here to learn more about the Central New York Humanist’s screening of Chris Johnson’s A Better Life in Syracuse, October 18th.


Over 700 killed in Hajj stampede:

Congressman steals pope’s glass because it’s magical

Pastor Manning completely loses his shit at a bunch of protestors:

Ecuador’s Got Talent host bitches at 16 year old contestant for being an atheist:

Fat guy in a red hat gets schooled on national television:

Trump suggests law requiring stores to say “Merry Christmas”

Oath keepers vow to protect Jesus sign

ISIS terrorized Sylvanian family banned from free speech exhibit:


Dumbass pastor: Christian women are just prettier:

MRA asshats start “No Hymen No Diamond” campaign:

Women’s groups urge Pope to end misogyny: and Pope urges women to remain with sexist church despite sexism:

Episode 136 – Shownotes

September 24, 2015 2 comments

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Calendar Links:

Carolinas Secular Conference, October 2nd to 4th:

Washington Area Secular Humanist Regional Conference in Lynchburg, October 2nd to 4th:

FFRF’s 38th Annual National Convention in Madison, October 9th and 10th:

October 13th, debate UCSD featuring Matt Dillahunty

Atheist Alliance of America National Convention in Atlanta, October 15th-18th:

Headline Links:

Using tax dollars on upcoming papal visit: and/or New report suggests Vatican is still playing three pedophile monte: and Bishop blames child sex abuse victims as accomplices:

Satanists put a stop to FL invocations:

Mom court ordered to attend religious parenting classes:

OK teacher orders 4-year-old to stop being left-handed because it’s evil:

Ben Carson says Muslims unfit to be president:

Jim Bakker: “Stockpile food or your neighbors will eat babies”

Kim Davis continues to be a horrible bitch: also

Christian fired for recommending Audacity to lesbian co-workers:

Christians freak the fuck out over gay doritos:

Episode 104 Show Notes

February 12, 2015 2 comments

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Calendar Links:

Texas Secular Convention in Austin:

Unholy Trinity Tour in Australia:

Reason in the Rock in Little Rock, Arkansas:

Freethought Festival in Madison, Wisconsin:

SASHACon in Columbia, Missouri:

The AHS Convention in London:

Headline Links:

Bill Donohue demands Obama apologize for pointing out that Christians also kill people:

Fox News guest: “Christianphobia is prevalent among thinkers.”

Pastor pretends to be attacked by black dude:

Why Roy Moore is blocking gay marriage licenses:

Fox “Historian” claims evidence that Jonah really was swallowed by that whale:

Australian Rabbis plead ignorance on “no molesting kids” secular laws:

Pope supports beating children:

Psychic missing people finder service:

Joe Barton changes bill number from 666:

Muslim historian says women aren’t allowed to drive because of the raping:

This Week in Misogyny:

WV Republican “Rape can be beautiful”

Utah Republican endorses spousal rape:

Missouri Gubernatorial Hopeful: The real cause of rape is abortion and contraception:

Court: firing a woman for breastfeeding isn’t sexist because men can lactate, too

“How Bullshit is it?” Resources:



Episode 103 – Show Notes

February 5, 2015 Leave a comment

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Guest Links:

The ORLY Radio Podcast:

Headline Links:

Diatribe story and study: and

Ken Ham pissed that Superbowl ad references evolution:

Bryan Fischer kind of fired, but not really:

Chris Christie calls for “balanced” approach to childhood vaccination: <<AND>>

Southern Baptist convention takes “nigga” pastor to task for theological minutia… ignores him saying “nigga”

Pastor Manning ups the ante of fucking nuts:

200 Year old mummy only “mostly dead” according to idiots:

Employee wins lawsuit after refusing to use hand scanner because the devil:

Community residents complain about atheist billboard; billboard taken down:

Mitt Romney cheats us out of a year and a half of easy Mormon jokes:

This Week in Misogyny:

Iranian atheletes warned not to take selfies with women:

Saudi Arabia proposes separate Olympics for men and women:

Muslim women in LA start a ladies mosque:

Episode 82 – Show Notes

September 11, 2014 1 comment

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Dalai Lama decides not to reincarnate again:

Kevin Sorbo to Jews: “But you guys did kill Jesus.”

Two Diocese fight over the remains of a dead man:

Top Gun is no place for atheists:

AHA urges students to stay seated during pledge: also AHA site for people who get in trouble:

Jesus on a moth: and a p

Nazi liberals preventing the censorship that the poor conservative masses need to survive:

Phil Robertson to ISIS: Convert or die:

Christians to protest Cowboys signing Michael Sam:



Marc Driscoll: “Women are penis homes”:

Scalia: Women swearing is destroying society:

Jogging federal Marshall fucks up asshole who yanks down her shorts:



Pastor: Imprison gays for 10 years of hard labor:

Harlem Church needs bigger sign to hold all its bigotry:

TN Megachurch pastor: Gays should be put to death:

Pat Robertson: Gay son just needs more well-oiled men in his life:




Episode 77 – Partial Transcript

August 7, 2014 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints.



LINK TO ADAM’S PODCAST (The Herd Mentality)


Link to Noah’s appearance on Atheistically Speaking (Part One and Part Two)

Link to Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories

Link to Matt Dillahunty’s video on Secular Morality



Warning: You should have peed before you left.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by “Whore-Ox Bleach,” Abstain-Remover.

So for all you recently deconverted theists still struggling to overcome the sexual taboos imbedded in your mind by decades of slut-shaming, hell-mongering and bedroom advice from celibate pedophiles, try our extra strength suppositories and we promise they won’t be the last thing you stick in your ass.

“Whore-Ox Bleach,” safe for both whites and coloreds… even at the same time… and that’s okay now.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s August 7th,

And evolution’s so easy, a caveman can do it.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright, and from pluralistic New York, New York,

And “as monochromatic as legally enforceable” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

  • We learn that God never learned to drive stick,
  • A Louisiana archdiocese will play “Three Pedophile Monte,”
  • And the gays ruin Christian orphan hoarding for everyone.

But first, the Diatribe…



Of all the arrows in the apologist’s quiver, you’ve gotta figure the whole, “Where do atheists get their morals?” bit has to be the last one they want to shoot.  Because what they’re saying at that point is essentially, “I know we’re wrong, but if we admit it was all a lie, we’d all be raping each other’s ear-holes by September.”

It’s such a baffling question to me because it rests on the assumption that morality comes from god… but doesn’t everything come from god if you’re a theist?  How is this any different than asking, “Without god, where do atheists get their orgasms?”  Why are morals always singled out?

Now, obviously there’s a more nuanced form of this than the ear-hole rape version.  They say that morals need an absolute, right?  Otherwise you descend into moral relativism, in which case you have to admit that a culture can dictate what’s moral.  They like to say that without an absolute moral authority to appeal to, there can only be moral change, not moral advancement.

Obviously there’s too much wrong with this argument to cram it all in one diatribe.  I mean… there’s no divine authority on health or technology and those things can advance.  I don’t need a man in the sky to tell me that my phone is superior to a loom.  I know it because I have an objective standard… you know, like the ones we have for morality… harm, freedom, equality… that kind of shit.

And despite the spurious series of assumptions this nonsense apologetic relies on, there are plenty of theists that actually think it is some sort of checkmate.  They say, “Morals must come from god, so if there’s no god, there’s no morals.”  But they just… changed the definition of morals, right?  I mean, the dictionary calls morals, “a person’s standard of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.”  No mention of god there.

It’s like saying that from now on the definition of the word “egg” includes, “perfectly cubed,” and then lamenting the fact that there are no true eggs anymore.  Matt Dillahunty has a great video, and I’ll link to it on the shownotes for this episode, where he argues that not only is a secular morality superior to a religious morality but, in fact, secular morality is the only kind that exists.

Now, a lot of atheists will demonstrate this fact by pointing to something we can all agree is immoral, but isn’t touched on in the bible.  You ask them, “So, do you think slavery is immoral?” and they say, “Yes,” because they’re afraid a black person might hear them and you say, “So why do you think that’s immoral?  Never says that in your bible.  God never says slavery is immoral.  You just know it is because your secular morals tell you it is.”

This might be effective sometimes, but it sort of misses their point.  Because these people think the Holy Ghost lives in their head and gives them instructions, like the little alien that drives Oprah Winfrey.  So when you say “it isn’t in the bible,” they say, “well god just whispered it into my brain,” and somehow they don’t recognize how batshit insane that sounds.  And among the advantages of this line of, let’s call it “thinking,” is that it also immunizes them in case you point out that atheists are, by reasonable measures, as moral as religious people.  Well of course we are, because god is whispering right from wrong into our brains, too; we just don’t realize it.

Of course, they’re only that sophisticated with their stupid when they have to be.  I’ve spoken with a number of theists that were genuinely curious what kept me from raping immigrants.  They like to paint this hellish picture of what the world would look like without the threat of sky-daddy’s brimstone-timeouts.  And if you counter by pointing out that the least religious nations are the most lawful and the most religious nations are the most violent, they’ll retreat to prehistory and talk about how bad civilization would have been without the advantage of the “Divine Ass Rape of Damocles.”

But in truth, the last thing they should want to bring up is morality.  It’s the weakest link in their chain and it’s my favorite way of pointing out what’s so damn dangerous about religion.  When theists ask me where I get my morals, I prefer to tell them where I don’t get them.  I don’t get them from absolute authorities.  I don’t get them from ancient texts.  I don’t get them from voices in my head.  I don’t get them from somebody whose moral authority rests solely on his mastery of mythology.  I don’t get them from a book that so readily offered moral justifications for slavery, institutionalized sexism, child abuse, genocide and torture.

So where do morals come from?  I don’t know.  Where do fantasies come from?  Where do ideas come from?  Where do fears and fallacies come from?  Tell you what, theists, I’ll make you a deal.  We rationalists will keep looking into that and when we have a definitive answer, we’ll get back to you.  All we ask in return is that between now and then you refrain from nuking the fucking planet over that extremely moral institutions you keep talking about.



Joining me for headlines tonight is adverbally adjective-ish, Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to verb?

I’d like to verb my noun on S.E. Cupp’s face … Will we get a chance to look into that???

I’d commission a mural of it on my ceiling.

Two pearls one Cupp … In our lead story tonight, from the “Foxy Moron” file, conservative atheist political pundette S.E. Cupp – after her daily shift behind the glass as prize specimen at the Exotic Republican Zoo – proclaimed during a video for CNN’s Crossfire, that conservative atheists are better at godlessness that liberal atheists.  Then she got back inside the glass walls and ceiling for the evening shift …

I hear they used to have soundproof glass but they learned that as long as people could hear her, they didn’t need the jizz mopper.

On the outside wall, anyway.  And women don’t usually have enough power to reach the glass ceiling … So I thought she might talk about how liberalism more closely aligns with the teachings of Jesus than conservativism … That wouldn’t have helped her case … <Not really> but it would have been better than her actual argument … which went something like this: “Atheist Republicans – who are beholden to a constituency full of evangelicals – are forced to feign imaginary sympathy more than atheist Democrats … And that makes conservative atheists better … Because intellectual honesty is … bad– sputter sputter sputter hissssssss.”  

I saw an interesting counter-argument by somebody named ‘The Exact Same Bitch Making a Contradictory Point,’ who said (quote) “In fact, I’d go so far as to say conservatism is far more intellectually honest and respectful of atheism than liberalism has been.” (end quote) So… sorry to interrupt, Southeast, you were saying something about ‘Intellectual honesty?’

Her remarks start to make a little more sense when you consider Cupp’s description of her personal brand of monotheistic atheism (quote) “I don’t believe in God, but I’m not mad at him either.” (end quote) … So unlike Bill Maher – who she castigates for being radically zero-godded – Cupp subscribes to a more accommodating, moderate sect of atheism called Christianity … She believes in half a god as a compromise, but rounds it up to one if she’s on FOX.

That’s odd… because usually Christian gods come in thirds.

Right … zero thirds.

CNN’s S.E. Cupp: “Conservative atheists are better.”:

And in “It’s not like they didn’t pay for their own lube” news tonight, Minneapolis archbishop John C. Nienstedt is refusing to relinquish his post an awful lot these days.  Nienstedt is facing calls for his resignation from prominent Catholics, local politicians, state newspapers, the kid’s whose asses he allowed to be raped and all other people who are familiar with this situation on even a cellular level; but Nienstedt vows to continue fighting for the rights of priests to molest children with impunity but pretends it’s because he really loves running the soup kitchen.

Here’s the problem though … You can’t just conjure up new clergy on command.  It’s not so easy to find someone who can read, ladle, and not abuse kids.

While he freely admits that he mishandled abuse allegations in the past, he did vociferously deny that he was actively engaged in homosexual relationships, which prompted reporters to point out that nobody was saying he was, to which he responded, (quote) “Good, because I’m not,” (end quote).

“You want me to go have penis-vagina sex right now?!? … With an adult … I’ll do it!!!”

The actual defense he’s using here is the claim that while he was shown memos about problem priests, he didn’t fully grasp the scope of the troubles until last fall.  Last Fall!?  As in since we’ve been doing this show.  So the guy who runs the diocese was less informed on the catholic child-fucking thing than Heath and me until ten months ago, when his chancellor of canonical affairs resigned her position in disgust and went public with the information.  So yes, his story is that the person who quit her job because of his refusal to adequately address these allegations never told him about the allegations.

Sounds like this guy’s had his head up his ass … or someone else’s … for decades.  

Critics of Nienstedt, also known as “humans” note that this guy is egregious even compared to other Catholic molestor-enablers.  Minnesota Lawyer Jeff Anderson describes the abuse under Nienstedt’s supervision (quote) “among the most grave we’re ever encountered” (end quote).  And as if to demonstrate the astounding extent to which he doesn’t get it, when describing his renewed commitment to protecting children from sexual abuse, the words he chose were promising to (I shit you not this is what he said) “take a more hands on approach” (end quote).

Minnesota Priest Refuses to resign; defends handling of sex abuse scandal:

And in “Psychics prophesize failure to predict things, thus failing” news … Exactly zero of the thousands of self-proclaimed magical people in the world, have managed to cash in on the long-standing enormous money offer from famous skeptic James Randi.  So assuming magic clearly exists … It seems every single prophet, astrologer, warlock, and faith healer … has an ethical dilemma about taking a million dollars from an atheist and donating it to charity.

Most interesting, from an ethical perspective, is the fact that it’s only the real wizards that refuse to take the test.  Because the fake ones are just lining up…

As many of you may know, the James Randi Educational Foundation has offered a one million dollar prize to anyone that can demonstrate a supernatural ability under legitimate experimental conditions.  This has existed since 1996, and was also offered in smaller sums going back to 1964.  So again, given magic clearly exists, that’s half a century of assholes that can do magic, but won’t share it with the world unless they’re standing next to a dumbwaiter.

But it’s worth noting that the Million Dollar Challenge isn’t limited to warlocks and astrologers.  It covers all kinds of bullshit esoteric claims like being able to audibly differentiate between Monster Cables and a cable that costs 90% less.

Since the prize was first offered, over a thousand wizards have been tested, and none of them have even passed the preliminary test, designed by the wizard, and agreed upon in advance by both parties as a pre-requisite proof of concept.  This fact is cited by critics, suggesting Randi is using anti-magic and confundus charms to hinder applicants.  This same fact is cited by Randi as evidence that magic doesn’t exist.

That’s the funniest part of this thing to me.  They make sure that every claimant agrees that the testing protocol is fair beforehand.  So 100% of the claimants will tell you before the test that the metrics are fair; and almost the same percentage will tell you afterwards that they aren’t.

The most recent attempt at the million – by Dragon Ball Z character, Mr. Fei Wang – was the final event at TAM 2014 in Las Vegas last month.  If you don’t know already … Show of hands … Who thinks he won the million? … You guys are a smart audience … So despite Wang’s best efforts, during his preliminary test, he was unable to shoot invisible energy balls through cardboard, any better than placebo Goku, Jamy Ian Swiss.  In fact, Liu Kang was clearly worse.  The data from that experiment show Mr. Swiss is actually batting a thousand at shooting invisible energy balls.  Next year at TAM, he may fight Raiden.

Qi-gonger loses MDC:

And in “Mike and Mike in the Morning Mass” news tonight, Congressional Republicans Mike Enzi and Mike Kelly have proposed legislation that would protect the rights of religious adoption agencies to violate the rights of other people.  The bill uses vague language to avoid actually saying “fudge-packers” in the bill, instead carrying on with references to “sincerely held religious beliefs” and the “moral convictions of the provider.”  This is obviously a political ploy to allow southern representatives to later argue that they thought the bill was to keep white kids from being adopted by the negroes.

It’s adoptions or abortions … Can’t have it both ways.

Now, I think it’s worth noting exactly what they’re trying to protect here.  Even in the states that fully recognize gay marriage, there’s no law that says that adoption agencies have to give kids to gay couples.  It’s just that some of them say that state-funded adoption agencies have to.  So it’s okay to use needy children as a political weapon in your futile effort to maintain pre-renaissance morality, you just can’t do it on the taxpayer’s dime.  Which means that the proposed bill wouldn’t so much insulate the adoption agencies from anti-discrimination laws, since they’re already exempted from them.  It would protect the bigots rights to have their bigotry financed by the government.

Basic freedoms … Now I’m aware that people hate to hear about boring shit like relevant data, but they’re gonna today.  Numerous recent studies show that children raised by same-sex couples are – if anything – given better parenting on average.  

Well sure, obviously, because all gay parents and intentionally parents.  You can’t accidentally become a gay parent.

Right, they weren’t born gay parents.  It’s a choice.  But for all practical purposes, potential adopters should really only need to outperform orphanages.  Gay parents beating straight parents was gravy.

And the gays do like their gravy.  Catholic adoption agencies have grown particularly adept at the weaponization of orphans over the past decade.  In several instances they’ve famously shut down adoption services statewide rather than abide by the principles of equality.  They’ve literally stopped helping children altogether because they’ve prioritized their malignant xenophobia over the welfare of parentless children.  And think about what a sacrifice it is for a bunch of Catholic priests to just walk away from a bunch of helpless, rape-ripe orphans.  So they’re serious about this shit.

Yeah … “Weaponized Orphans” … That actually happened.  Church-run shelters in Colorado and Illinois basically threatened to throw an orphan out of the airplane every ten minutes, until they got their bigotry subsidy check from the government.

New law would shield religious adoption agencies from discrimination laws:

And from the “Awkward but Well-funded Reunion” file, this year marks the tenth anniversary of the legal settlement in which the Roman Catholic Diocese of Lafayette – in Louisiana – paid out twenty-six million dollars to 123 victims of sexual abuse at the hands of their clergy, dating back to the 1950’s.  Given such a large sum of money, the church feels it’s tacky to ask about minutiae like: “Who are the pedophiles?”

Right… because what were they buying for their twenty-six large if not the retroactive consent of the victims?

In response to justified suspicion that some of the guilty priests are still at large (and even still practicing), The Daily Adviser emailed the diocese, asking which ones – specifically – are the known rapists.  Their response was basically: “Why? … No! … You are!” … According to a response email from the in-house publicist they require, the bishop in charge of the place, Michael Jarrell, (quote) “sees no purpose in such action.” (end quote) … No purpose!!!

I believe they then added (quote) “Do you know how hard it is to fuck kids these days when you’re a Catholic Priest?  Even the four and five year olds have heard about us by now.  If we told you their names they wouldn’t stand a chance.” (end fake quote)

“So we’ll just need those names, so we can get the anklets installed.” …

“I believe our insurance company paid their debt to society.  Haven’t these pedophiles been punished enough?!?” … No.  No they have not … 

And by the way, I bet the Tea Party would get on board, if you could get settlements like this from your ObamaCare plan.  Jesus is a lot like a pre-existing condition for these kids.  It’s not their fault.

Society: “Which ones are known rapists?” … Church: “Why do you ask?”

And in “Answers in Carcino-Genesis” news tonight, Christianity has discovered the cure for cancer.  And it turns out, and you probably saw this coming, it’s a cross that rises a twenty-third of a mile into the air.  The giant cancer-killing cross is the Kidney-child of couple of Alabama businessmen who are sick and damn tired of the largest cross in the country being in that there state what Lincoln come from.  They hope to raise the estimated $750,000 needed to construct the monstrosity through a crowdfunding site that says, in no uncertain terms, that building giant crosses can cure cancer.  And divorce.

And cancer and divorce keep existing … so “BIGGER!!! … MORE PERPENDICULAR!!!” …

“You idiots!!!  God’s looking from above.  Now he’s gonna think we’re Satanists.  Print ‘THIS SIDE UP’ on the top.”

The miraculous claims come under the “How can I help?” section of the website and somewhere amidst the time-cube level logic (and website presentation), the project’s leaders assert that the giant torture-device-replica could, through the simple merit of being seen by a passing heathen motorist, turn them back to Jesus.  And, as almost goes without saying, thereby heal their devil-cancer and save their marriage.

So the cross won’t even help Christians … It’s a reminder for heathen drifters … Lance Armstrong riding around … “Between divorce and testicle cancer, I’ve literally lost half my shit … I’m so depressed–Oooohhh!!!  What’s that plus sign-y thing?”  

The website also shares the miraculous vision that prompted then 32 year old Jon Butler to dedicate himself to spending double a soup kitchen’s decadal budget building a giant lower-case “t.”  I won’t spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say that before the holy spirit filled him with this vision, the tapedeck on his Chevy Astrovan used to eat cassette tapes.  Afterwards?  Well, like I said, I’m not gonna spoil it.

Giant Alabama cross could heal cancer, promises people trying to build said giant cross:

And in “Jesus Swallows … turns the other cheek, and swallows again” news, Oak Ridge Alliance Church – of Oak Ridge, Tennessee – decided to teach the virtue of forgiveness, with a blow job metaphor on their marquee.  The following message adorned the large sign on their front lawn … at least until one single person who’s heard of mouth sex saw it … (quote) “Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit.” (end quote) …

It’s a shame more pastors don’t read “The Friendly Atheist” blog because Hemant’s been trying to tell them.  Before you go live with the marquee, just run it by one honest fourteen year old.

So I guess … (awful swallowing noise) … Jesus forgives you.  And he clearly fellated some dudes against his will, for our sins … So let’s all be grateful … Okay, we did shitting last week … So speaking of blumpkins … Everyone google “blumpkin”, by the way … I’ll wait …

Because the key to a blumpkin is patience.  You don’t want to finish before you finish.

Blumpkin Donuts: Breakfast of Champions … Moving on quickly–I’m thinkin’ we give the advertising department over at Oak Ridge Alliance Church, some new ideas for the marquee.  We’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Oral Sex” … GO!!!

“Being a Mohel”

“Happy Meals at Chick Fil-A-tio”

“Joshua’s Rusty Trumpet”

“Kneeling Before the Salter”

“The Hobby Lobby Knobby Slobby”… cause I’ve got a belief right here you can “firmly hold”

“Cradling the Holy Sack-rament” … or for the heathens: “Cupping the Baals”

“Tempting the Serpent Right Back”

“Head of the Class in Seminary Fluid Dynamics”

“The Slurpin’ on the Mount”

“Praying to the Foreskin Flute”

“Finding the Little Man in the Ark”

“Ridding Congressional Members of their Boehner” … “Oh what a lovely Tea Party”

“Chrome Your Dome of the Rocks”… “and the rocks”

“Rendering the Tossed Salad Unto Caesar” … AKA “rim Job”

“Kissing the Pope’s other ring”

“Easter Egg McMuff Diving” … No fur burgers until after 11am.

Yeah, because before that she has ‘morning gash’.  Anyway… how about “Spreading the word of oh my god?”

“Box Lunch at the Convent: Licking the Habit”

“Gargling in Tongues”

“Playing the Fallopian Tuba Below the Rod and Staff” … Polishing up on scales is the worst … Nobody enjoys …

If you break your Ramadan fast by licking jelly out of an asshole it’s called, “Eid al Shitter”

“Humming Along with the Pipe Organ”

Addition to the list of things I’ve now had to say to my wife because of this show: “It doesn’t have to be blowjobs, though.  It can be cunlingus or ass-tonguing as well… or teabagging.”

One of the better church marquees:

And finally tonight, from the “Stand Your Fudge Round” file, the First Baptist Church of Royal Palm Beach has discovered a new way of helping put roofs over the heads of the homeless; you can have them arrested.  The inspiration came when a cleaning lady employed by the church caught a homeless man stealing cookies that were meant for the homeless, at which time she called 911 to report the aggravated wafer-mastication.  This might sound like an overreaction to some, but keep in mind, we’re talking about Florida, a state where it’s legal to kill somebody for carrying Skittles, so it’s not like normal earth.

“And he had a hoodie … And a shitty drink nobody likes … Arizona?!?  Really?!?  SNAPPLE PEACH ICED TEA!!!  All about the Snapple peach iced tea!!! … What an asshole!!!”

Despite the facts that the church regularly feeds the homeless and the estimated value of “2014’s Great Snickerdoodle Heist” was around two dollars and twenty-five cents, the church elected to press charges, explaining that it was for the vagrant’s own good.  They argued on their Facebook page that he wasn’t just eating cookies.  He was also drunk or high or something probably.  Because he’s homeless.  And homeless people take drugs.

“This is a church … You can’t just show up and expect us to hand out tax-break subsidized Jesus cookies every week.  That would be crazy.”

Luckily the Palm Beach “Sesame Street Crime Unit” was on hand and acted quickly before any more Oreos could be forcibly bifurcated.  There are mixed reports that the perpetrator was on probation at the time for taking extra sips at the 7-11 soda machine, though reports that he could be the infamous Palm Beach “Pie cooling on a windowsill” bandit remain unconfirmed.

Florida church has homeless man arrested for aggravated cookie eating:

And with the reassurance that this malefactor is behind bars where he belongs, we’ll kind of close the headlines segment for the night.  Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, we’re gonna still be doing headlines.



This Week in Misogyny:

I’d like to dedicate this week’s segment to one of my all time favorite jews, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who could probably kick Jesus’s ass even at her advanced age.

The wily old Supreme Court Justice is continuing to not shut up about the court’s recent (and horribly misguided) decision in the Hobby Lobby case.  Speaking to an audience of law students last week, she pointed out that’s it nifty that some of the guys on the Supreme Court are getting behind the idea of equal rights for the three percent of the population that’s gay; but it would also be nice if they could extend that to the fifty-one percent that aren’t men.

When asked about her charge of hypocrisy from the Roberts court, Chief Justice John Roberts pointed out that she was probably just PMSing or menopausing or whatever.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Hobby Lobby case:

But as dismissive as the court is of women’s rights, it turns out that one group of voters is paying attention… women.  A new poll by “Hart Research Associates” suggests that the majority of female American voters would not vote for a candidate that supports the Supreme Court’s decision to prioritize the wishes of imaginary men over those of real women.  Crazy.

Majority of female voters won’t vote for a candidate that supports Hobby Lobby ruling:

But the New York based “Satanic Temple” is seeking to use the errant ruling for the powers of good.  Citing their own “religious” belief that science is right and superstition is wrong, they claim that the “informed consent” laws that require women seeking abortions to listen to a religiously-inspired, factually dubious screed about how evil baby-murder is a violation of their religion.  Specifically their sincerely held belief that superstition and invasive medical procedures don’t mix.

When reporters asked legal experts about the case, they were doubtful that anything would come of it; to which the Satanic Temple replied, “Reporters asked you about it, didn’t they?  Then something came of it.”  In other words, of course they’re going to lose this fight.  And in so doing they’re going to expose the fact that in today’s legal landscape, corporations are people in ways that people could only dream of, and I’d say that’s a victory.

Satanists try to use Hobby Lobby ruling for the powers of good:

And finally tonight, we have something that starts out looking like a glimmer of hope in the middle east, but isn’t.  A female anchor on the Saudi news channel Al Ekhbariya appeared on screen boldly showing the top of her head and side-cheek.

But no, this isn’t a step forward… it’s an accident that the network apologized for almost immediately with the explanation that she was broadcasting out of the Infidel city of London, but they’d have been sure to throw some acid on her if she tried that shit back home.  And they also promised that it would never happen again.

That being said, if you want one bad enough, I suppose you can find a glimmer of hope in Saudi Arabia.  For instance, over the last few years, women have been permitted to work as cashiers at supermarkets and lingerie shops, so who knows, maybe we’ll see bicycling without a chaperone in our lifetimes.

Female Anchor on Saudi TV doesn’t wear headscarf. Paternalistic assholes outraged:

That’s not all the misogyny I’ve got for the week, but it is all the time I’ve got, so I’ll hand things over to Noah and Heath so they can undermine the point of this segment with a few rape jokes.


News Briefs:

Rejoining me for an abbreviated additional headlines segment tonight is noun.  Noun, preposition pronoun adjective?


Alright then.  From the “I Bet it’s not Really Gourmet” file tonight, Mary’s Gourmet Diner in Winston-Salem, North Carolina got an impromptu social-media ad campaign this week when their policy of offering a 15% discount to people who pray before they eat.  While the people getting the discount seem thrilled, others have pointed out that it’s thinly veiled bigotry.  The diner’s management dismiss those charges by pointing out that it’s not that they’re charging atheists more, they’re just charging Christians less.  So it’s not discrimination, it’s just… regular scrimination.

Maybe Christians can use that money for good somehow … Hmmm???  What can you do with 15 percent of the bill at the end of a meal … Buy thousands of tiny pamphlets, and give them to restaurant workers??? … They’ll come up with something.

15% off for talking to yourself:

And in “Geico Offers Atheist Discount” news, <Geico joke fresh off the 15% off joke… he’s on fire!> Indiana motorists Prionda Hill and Anthony Oliveri were almost murdered by God in Fort Wayne last month, when the deity hijacked Hill’s Pontiac Grand Prix … then either merged badly or briefly stopped existing … and finally proceeded to drive it over Oliveri’s motorcycle and adjacent sprawling human body.  Does collision cover acts of god?

If Jesus loved you, you wouldn’t be driving a Pontiac, living in Indiana or named “Prionda.”

God’s worse at driving than women:

And in “Now Why Will Congressman Check into Sleazy Motels?” news, assistant House Whip Steven Palazzo went all Gideon last week and sent bibles to all 535 members of Congress, including the token Muslim.  The bibles came with a letter encouraging all legislators to let god’s word preempt petty mortal things like statistics and expert recommendations when it comes to making life and death decisions for their constituents.

That’s nice and everything, but it’s a little too late for Gabrielle Giffords to wear a Bible attached to her face.  She’s not even in Congress anymore.  Late – awkward.

…quitter.  Speaking on behalf of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, Barry Lynn suggested perhaps Palazzo consult a slightly more modern guide to governance that his fellow Tea-Party members ejaculate about almost as often as the bible.  You know, that founding document that protects your right to bring your elephant gun to Target?  That’s the one.

Republican whip sends bibles to every member of congress:

And in “Poophole Loophole 2.0” news … It’s been over a year and a half since Washington State cleverly legalized gay marriage and marijuana on the same day, thus allowing men to lie together and get stoned, like Leviticus teaches.  Colorado already has the weed taken care of, but thanks to a recent homophobic ruling by the state supreme court, they won’t yet have the gay marriage part.  So for now, it’s just a bunch of dudes standing around getting stoned.  Couch?  Love seat?

I was picturing “giant champagne glass-shaped hot tub filled with vaseline,” but I usually am.

Colorado attempts to complete 2nd leg of Washington’s trick from below: <<AND>> Washington State’s 2012 Leviticus Trick:

And in “Learning to Count with Herpes Simplexes” news tonight, a quick update to last week’s herpetic jewish pedophile story.  You’ll recall us talking last week about two babies contracting genital herpes from having their recently mutilated cocks orally massaged by grown men with festering mouth sores.  Well, it turns out that the Orthodox Jewish community has taken action and banned these two particular disease-ridden rabbis from sucking baby cock.  They’ll have other, less viral people suck the baby cock like civilized human beings, so glad to see that they learned their lesson.

Great … They’re gonna take this on a case by case basis … “If a baby gets syphilis, we’ll ban syphilis.  Very simple.”

Herpetic Mohels banned:

And with that we’re gonna actually close headlines for the night.  Heath, thanks again.

I’ll be honest, I was surprised you were ready to go again so soon.  Not bad for a guy your age.  You can make up for a lot with good girth and good reboot time.

And when we come back we almost certainly won’t still be doing headlines.




Last name, first name, middle initial?

Christ, Jesus H.

Are you the Jesus H. Christ?

Well actually…

…from Twitter?

…no.  That’s some other guy.

Okay.  Here’s your number.  If you’d like to take a look at some of these pamphlets while you’re waiting.

Do you have them in Aramaic?

Is that what the terrorist language?


(Seat creaks, papers rattle)

Psst… hey buddy, you here for the defensive driving course?



So… what did you do?

Took the wheel for some crazy bitch in Indiana and creamed a motorcyclist.

Heh… nice.

“Christ, Jesus H.”

That’s me…

Good luck, buddy.


My name is Edward McKinnon, I’ll be your driving instructor today.  Are you ready for your exam?

Yeah, I guess.  I just don’t understand why everybody’s making such a big deal about this.  I’ve been driving since there were cars for my sake.

Look buddy, the only reason you’re not sitting in a jail cell right now is because your dad has connections.  At the time of the accident your blood alcohol level was “wine”.

It started as water…

Follow me, please.

(Door opens, outdoor noises)

Which car is yours, Mr. Christ?

The one over there with the me-fish…

Is that tint legal?

Through a glass darkly, baby.

(doors open and close) (throat clear) (car starts)


Um… I resurrect so I don’t know if that’s exactly necessary.

It’s the law.

Even if you’re immortal?

It’s the law.


(Seatbelt noise)

Has this vehicle passed emissions testing?

Trust me, that’s not gonna matter.  Where we goin?

Now, I want you to pull out of this parking lot and make a left at the stop sign.

And away we go…

(Turn signal noise)

You can disengage the turn signal now.

Easy for a guy with no holes in his hand to say.  One second.  (Squishy sound)

Now maintain this lane until you reach the…

(Window rolls down)

…There’s no need to… hey, you can’t stick your head out the window while you’re driving!

(honking) “I love me, baby!”

Get back in here!

Sorry… the bumper sticker, right?  How could I not?

Could you please roll the window back up?

Okay, but first check this out.  I stick my hand out the window and…


Very amusing, Mr. Christ.  Now please roll up the window.

(Window rolls up)

You’ll want to slow down.  The speed limit in this area is 45.

Chill out.


Slow down, Mr. Christ.  There’s water on the road up there.

I invented hydroplaning, dude.

Look out!

(Squealing tires, Car crashes)


So… did I pass?

Are you fucking kidding me!?  You broke every driving law we have… you’re clearly inebriated and I’ve got a crossing guard’s sign sticking through my intestines!  Of course you didn’t pass!

Are you sure about that?  Because that wound looks pretty severe…

What are you trying to say?

It would just be a shame if I suddenly unforgave you.

You heartless bastard!

Dad!  Eddie McKinnon called me a…

Alright!  Damn it, you pass.

Apology accepted.  Tell uncle Pete I said “hi.”

(Slide whistle)



What the fuck is… Wicca?

Wicca began in the 1950s as an attempt by horny men to see more naked women, and has since morphed into a means by which horny spiritualists of both genders can ogle one anothers genitals.

While most Wiccans will tell you the faith dates back tens of thousands of years, the truth is that they’re full of shit.  The faith began in the early fifties and was first referenced in works by Gerald Gardner beginning in 1954.  Additional authors with increasingly absurd pen names have continued to develop the faith over the past six decades to create an impossibly garbled web of nonsense and deepities.

Because of this lack of centralization, the definition and beliefs of Wiccans vary greatly from region to region, coven to coven and individual to individual.  These differences are largely overlooked within the neo-pagan community because they’re all too stoned to give a shit and most of them are going to give up on this silly Wicca thing by the time they’re twenty-six anyway.

There are a few core beliefs that can be found in almost all iterations of Wicca.  One is the duotheistic nature of their theology and an emphasis on both male and female aspects of god.  Many if not most Wiccans tend to focus the majority of their worship on the goddess figure because she’s the one with the boobs.

Another common tenet of the faith is an open and progressive attitude toward sex.  Nudity, sex and masturbation play an integral part in many Wiccan rituals, and while their attitude is a welcome contrast to the prudery of most religious traditions, in practice sex-positive is often utterly indistinguishable with sex-coercive.

At its core, Wicca is a nature religion, worshipping trees, flowers, insects and other things that look trippy when you’re on acid.  This is often expressed in a dangerously stupid belief in herbal therapies, nonsense-based medical treatments; and gross misapplications of the word “energy.”

But the most visible aspect of Wicca is their belief in ritual magic.  Just in case nobody was going to make fun of them, Wiccans have a series of what they call “elemental weapons” which include a magic wand, a magic knife, a handful of polyhedral dice and a character sheet.  They use these weapons to call upon spirits such as the “Undines of the East,” the “Sylphs of the North,” the “Salamanders of the South,” and I’m serious.

Wicca draws upon both misinterpretations of ancient pagan rituals and misinterpretations of modern hermetic rituals in an attempt to multiply bullshit by horseshit.  This leads to a convoluted ritual structure that is impossible to take seriously even by those performing it.  In fact, the simple ability to utter phrases like “I banish you, Salamanders of the South,” with a straight face is the single qualification for the title of “Wiccan High Priest.”

Of course, you can’t have a serious discussion of the Wiccan faith without bringing up the strong lunar influence in their beliefs, so I won’t.


Bible Story:

“Run grab yer young ‘uns, folks!  It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible stories for Kids!”

Gather round, boys and girls.  Today we’re gonna open our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the Old Testament’s most admirable mass murderers, Samson.  And like all good biblical heroes, Samson tortures animals, massacres the innocent, vandalizes property, cons his friends, treats his wife like shit and racks up a huge body count.

But before any of that happened… in fact, even before he was born, an angel came to his mother.  Or at least, that’s what his mother told his father when his impotent father came home and found his wife pregnant.  But Samson’s father doubted his wife’s tale, which is the last time in this entire story that somebody will act in accordance with logic.

The angel told his mother that Samson would be a “Nazirite,” which meant that he had special magical Jew-powers as long as he never cut his hair.  So Samson grew up to be a super-strength scraggly hippy and eventually his balls dropped and he set off to find some sweet Philistine ass.  He saw a woman named Timnah in town and decided she looked young and moist, so he headed to her house to ask for her hand in marriage.

But along the way, Samson was attacked by a lion because sometimes the bible follows the Michael Bay rule of random action beats.  So Samson kicked the lion’s ass and tore it into pieces because dismembering animals is very heroic.  Then he went to Timnah’s house and she agreed to marry him.  But on the way home to tell his parents the good news, he came back across the shredded corpse of the lion he’d fought and while he was gone, some silly bees had built a nest in it’s rancid intestines!

Well, like anybody would if they came across a bee’s nest in a rotting carcass, he decided to eat a handful of honey out of it and files the moment away in case he ever needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle.

So a few days later, Samson was at a party and needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle, so he said, “I bet you can’t guess what I ate some honey out of,” and while the Philistines explained that that wasn’t exactly a riddle, Samson went on to promise them all nice new clothes if they could figure out the answer.

But Samson made the mistake of trusting a woman.  He told his fiancee the answer and she told it to the thirty Philistines.  So they came back and demanded all the nice new clothes Samson had promised them.  But Samson was as clever as he was homicidal so instead of buying new clothes, he just killed thirty random people, stripped them naked and gave the Philistines their clothes.

He also decided he didn’t want his wife anymore so he gave her to a friend.  But then he changed his mind and decided he wanted her after all.  But it was too late because his friend was already dicking her.

Samson was very angry so he set a couple of foxes on fire and sent them running through her family’s farms, burning all the food they would need to stay alive over the winter.  Needless to say, they were very upset and went to Samson’s family and demanded he be turned over for justice.

Well, they turned him over alright.  They tied him up and gave him to an army of innocent people who were just doing their job to keep the peace.  But Samson broke through his binds, grabbed the discarded jawbone of a donkey and murdered all of them with it.  And it must have been pretty gruesome because if you think about it, the only way to logically kill somebody with a jawbones is to gouge their eyes out, stick it in their ear or cram it up their ass.  So it probably got pretty messy.

But just when all the homicide was going so well for Samson, along came a woman named Delilah.  And like pretty much all the women who come along in bible stories, she was bad news.  But Samson didn’t care because she had a vagina.  But even better, she was into kinky bondage and discipline stuff, like when a mommy crams a ball gag into a daddy’s mouth and whips his scrotum with a riding crop.

But little did he know, her kink was actually a clever ploy to capture him and make him dance like a monkey.  So after a couple of really obvious failed attempts to discover his kryptonite, Samson eventually tells her that he would be completely powerless if he cut his hair.  So she cut his hair.  Because women in the bible are pretty much always evil.  Or raped.  Or killed.  Or all three.

So once he was sporting the Patrick Stewart look, Delilah helped the Philistines capture him and poke out his eyes.  And then they chained him up so people could come and throw shit at him.  But they kept him chained up so long that eventually his hair grew back and he pulled the building down from within, killing himself, Delilah and all the evil people who had captured him.  And nobody lived happily ever after because they were all crushed to death.

The end.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the part of the show where we answer questions, correct errors, feign apologies and offer superfluous explanations of what “listener feedback” means.

Our first message comes in the form of a correction.  We already spent a big chunk of a feedback segment clarifying our story about Liberty University’s new medical program, but Danny writes us to point a mistake we missed.  I got the city right (Lynchburg) but I got the state wrong.  As Danny points out, (quote)

“It’s not Lynchburg, Tennessee, (home of pretty good bourbon), but rather Lynchburg, Virginia, (home of not much).

And I’d also like to preemptively correct Danny’s correction by pointing out that Jack Daniels is a long way from “pretty good bourbon.”

Yes, so one more time, because this is important.  It’s the place named after murdering black people in Virginia, not the place named after murdering black people in Tennessee.

Our next email comes from Mr. “A Color” from “A Place” emails to ask why I’m so much more of a podcast whore than Heath.  He writes;

“I hear you a lot of the time on other podcasts such as Cognitive Dissonance, and The Imaginary Friend Show, but usually Heath doesn’t appear. Just curious as to why that is.”

Would you invite me to say words on your show?!?  Noah edits out about 95 percent of the things I say.  You guys only hear the clean stuff … That being said, I am capable of lifting my hand from the third rail if needed, so if invited, I’d be happy to appear on other shows more often in the future, when I can more easily afford to devote the extra time.  And generous patreons can help make that happen.

So for the record, Heath and I split all the money that doesn’t go to new equipment or hosting down the middle.  Patreon, PayPal, the book… 50/50.  That being said, since he’s in New York and I’m in Podunk, Georgia, I can pay my rent, my utilities, my insurance, my cable, my phone bill, my Guatemalan masseuse, buy a months worth of groceries and an eight ball for the same amount Heath pays to share an apartment with two other dudes.

So all I can afford beyond the rent, is the masseuses and the eight balls.  New Yorkers learn to make sacrifices.

Anyway, end result is that I’m able to do this full time, Heath still has a real job, so I’m a lot easier to schedule for other appearances.  That and everybody’s afraid Heath will make AIDS jokes… in a bad way.

And finally, we had a Facebook message from one of earth’s top eleven people, April, asking for advice on dealing with the cookie-baking Christians Noah talked about in his diatribe a couple of weeks ago.  Specifically, she wondered how to respond when a sweet old lady at work says, “It’s okay, honey, god loves you.”

So I guess this has top ten written all over it, huh?

For April?  Anything.  So top ten answers to a sweet old lady telling you god loves you.

  • 10 – “I know, but sometimes I feel like it’s only for my dick.”
  • 9 – “If he really loved me, he’d bring me some milk… and the Crown Royal bag in my glove compartment … Thanks old lady!!!”
  • 8 – “Sure didn’t seem like it when he burned my tongue with that communion wafer.”
  • 7 – “God loves me?!? … Uhhh … And I really love … hanging out with God.”
  • 6 – “Yeah, but that slut loves everybody.
  • 5 – “Write me a check for seven dollars, and I might love him back.”
  • 4 – “I’m sorry, did you say ‘Gollum’s a Jew?’”
  • 3 – “But he sure doesn’t love the coloreds … Am I right, old lady?!? … She knows.”
  • 2 – “Then why does he always want to fuck me from behind?”
  • 1 – “Allah akbar.  Go away.”

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, keep sending those Tweets, emails, Facebook messages, and blog comments.



Before we get to the prestige tonight, I wanted to encourage you one more time to check out Adam’s site and give if you can.  It’s a great opportunity to help an atheist that needs your help.  Again, you can find links to donate on our homepage, along with links to episodes of his show where you find more details about Iman’s story.  Oh, and incidentally, if the Ray Comfort sketch tested your bladder, that’s Adam’s fault so be sure to direct your anger (and stream) toward him on that one.

That’s all we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more.  Like I mentioned in the Feedback segment, I’m a bit of a podcast whore so when Thomas from Atheistically Speaking invited me on to talk about the situation in Gaza I didn’t let my downright embarrassing lack of expertise slow me down.  You can find our conversation on episodes 55 and 56 of his show, both of which you’ll find linked on the shownotes and transcript for this episode.

I also need to thank Lucinda for knocking another Bible Story out of the park as well as all the other contributions she makes to the show every week.  Of course I need to thank Heath for bringing his endearing breed of faux-bigotry and shit jokes to this enterprise; definitely couldn’t make this show happen every week without him.

Of course, I also need to thank Adam for joining us tonight and I need to thank Chuck, Willie and “little monkey Chuck” from “Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories” podcast.  If you just can’t get enough “Damn are Mormons wacky” in your life, you’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people; Stephen, Roger, Thomas, Jeremiah, Johanna, Gerard, Tony, Daniel, Matt and David.  Stephen, Roger and Thomas, who are so virile they have to put a condom on when they sext; Jeremiah, Johanna and Gerard, who are so clever they just convinced Muhammad that mountains are overrated; and Tony, Daniel, Matt and David, whose mighty fists are measured in Sharknados per meter squared.

Together these ten august, benevolent, charitable, distinguished, extraordinary, fucktastic, gracious, honorable individuals aided our quest to decimate the decalogue this week by giving us money.  Not everybody has the alphabetical list of positive attributes required to give us money, but if you think you’re up for the challenge, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com; which will earn you bonus stuff; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.

Also, there’s one donor who I forgot to thank a couple weeks ago.  They got in touch with me and I filed it away in my head to compliment the shit out of them tonight, but then I couldn’t remember if they got in touch through email or Twitter or Facebook or Patreon or the Blog or what and I couldn’t find the message when I was putting together this week’s outro.  So a thousand apologies.  Please send me one last email and I will let the world now how incredibly above average your genitals are.

And, of course, you can also help us a ton for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or checking us out on Stitcher.  And apparently leaving a review on Stitcher is a huge pain in the ass so don’t worry so much about that, but if you like to listen on the go, definitely check us out on Stitcher and help push our rank up there.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 74 – Partial Transcript

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints.



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Warning: This episode is sexy.


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Halal-iburton: Iraq’s newest monopoly brand of Muslim-friendly snack foods.

Want to help pay back Dick Cheney for the cost of cleaning up this enormous mess that someone created??? Well you don’t have a choice because he secured a contract to supply all Iraqi food until 2026.  So try our new Aya-Tollhouse Cookies or go without cookies asshole.

Halal-iburton: Iraq’s favorite snackfood since the undisclosed year when we hatched our sinister plot.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.



It’s Thursday,

It’s July 17th,

And kids in Cleveland want their jerseys back from the homeless people in Miami.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from “America’s City of Light” New York, New York,

And “America’s City of Lite Beer” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Liberty University makes “God Particle Physics” a new pre-req for med students,
  • We’ll instigate a holy war,
  • And a Tennessee judge suggests a compromise, in which lesbians will be cured slowly – two weekends a month – by the National Guard. 

But first, the Diatribe…



You know, it would be easier to come up with a new diatribe every week if the theists didn’t just keep saying the same shit.  But unfortunately, they’re stuck in their circular flowchart of debunked arguments and discredited assertions and we, as atheists, are doomed to spend our lives forever trying to drown the same rubber duckies.

Astute listener LeWayne shared a recent article from Slate last Tuesday, but I didn’t allow myself to read it right away.  By Tuesday I’m so heavy in prep for the new episode that I couldn’t afford the three hours of rage the headline promised.  The title of the piece was, “Atheists Used to Take the Idea of God Seriously… That’s Why They Mattered.”  It a book review by a babbling urethra named Michael Robbins.

Now, ostensibly, it’s a review of Nick Spencer’s new history of atheism titled “Atheists: The Origin of the Species,” but one could be forgiven for reading the whole article without ever realizing that, as Robbins is far more focused on pining for the good old days when atheists would shut the fuck up and show religious people deference.  In this, he’s really no different than the climate change denialists pissing and whining for equal air time with the people who know stuff and use facts.

His argument, in so much as he offers one, is that religion is more complicated than atheists give it credit for.  He admits that religion is hard to define, so hard, in fact, that he makes no effort whatsoever, except to say that we have it wrong.  But he rejects the claim that the god hypothesis should be treated as a scientific theory and here’s his justification: The primary purpose of religion isn’t to explain where the universe came from; it’s to tell people how to live their lives.

Yes, you stammering fuck-knob, we know that… we fully understand that the real purpose of religion is to control people’s lives and dictate their morals.  That’s why we’re actively working against it.  If religion was nothing more than a stupid way of explaining cosmic origins it would hardly be dangerous at all, would it?  He references Dawkin’s assertion that religion is a competing explanation for facts about the universe and life and call it (quote) “bullshit”… because apparently telling people how to live their lives doesn’t count as a fact about… life?

He tries the “non-overlapping magisteria” gambit when he tells us that science and religion ask different questions about different things.  But again, we already know that… science asks answerable questions about real things.  That’s what makes it science.  And while we’re on the subject, nobody in the atheist movement begrudges religious people for asking questions… it’s when they start offering answers that we tell them to shut up during grown up time.

But just in case that didn’t stick, he has a few more worn out apologetics to throw against the wall.  He gives us the whole “How did something come from nothing?” nonsense and apparently he’s well aware of how science actually answers that question, but dismisses it because real nothing wouldn’t contain quantum fluctuations or laws of physics.  So he imagines a state of being unobserved in the universe and unsupported by any scientific model… a space so empty it doesn’t even contain the laws of physics and demands that atheists explain why that state of being doesn’t exist.  And no, by the way, he makes no effort at all to explain why the existence of quantum fluctuations is somehow harder to account for than the existence of omnipotent, conscious creative entities that care who we fuck.

He then points out that he’s not just “atheist-bashing” when he says we’re ignorant, unthinking automatons blindly swearing allegiance to Richard Dawkins by pointing out (I swear he really does this) that some of his best friends are atheists.  Just the good kind that shuts the fuck up and takes him seriously.

And that’s the whole argument in a nutshell.  “It okay if you know I’m wrong, but at least pretend like I’m reasonable!  At least pretend like there’s some legitimate debate.  The very least you could do is hold my claims to a different set of standards than all other claims.  God damn it, I matter!”

But they don’t matter.  No actual science is still hashing out the god thing.  No physicists are losing sleep over the Kalam cosmological argument.  No biologists are comparing their findings to the “god did it” model.  No ethicists are proposing the “cause god’ll burn you in hell” approach.  No doctors are prescribing prayer.  No lawyers are invoking the “devil really did make him do it” defense.  No financial planner is figuring in the “they’re about due for a miracle” variable.  No meteorologists are factoring in god’s wrath.

The god hypothesis failed.  The conversation is over.  Religion lost.  It’s only relevant in the imaginary academic disciplines they made up to talk about religion.  And I’m sure that fact is really inconvenient for the Michael Robbins of the world and all, but nothing they’ve done in the last ten thousand years justifies wasting any more of our intellectual prowess seriously entertaining the “it’s all the whim of a magical Jew” paradigm.



Joining me for headlines tonight is every Jihadis dream target Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to earn your fatwa?

Are you kidding me?  The tattoo of Mohammed on my stomach waves when I jiggle.  What do I have to do? …

The truffle shuffle at a few more mosques, I suppose…

…Hey you guys!!! Fatwa!!!

In our lead story tonight, the pope didn’t say a goddamn thing, now look at the birdies… if you trust Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi, but we don’t, so we’ll report it the other way, in which Pope Fran-Sybian said in an interview last week that about one of every fifty Catholic priests is a child-rapist.  Though the pope said this should, for some reason, comfort him, he finds it almost disturbing enough to act upon.

“So if everyone just makes sure they only know about 40 or so priests – call it 49 max – we’ll all be fine … It’s like cutting the ace of spades … Pretty much impossible.”

Of course, the interview in question wasn’t on tape and the Vatican spokesman denies the pope said shit that was on tape, so no shock that they denied key elements of this report.  His most vociferous protests revolved around reports that the pope said child-sex-abusers were prevalent even among Bishops and Cardinals.  They also disputed the two percent number, though advocacy groups believe the actual percentage to be almost three times as high.

Sounds like the Pope didn’t say some pretty damning stuff.  And how did he decide on “not saying” the 2% number, specifically???  He knows the minimum real number, and decided to deflate it by a “believable amount”???

Assuming Pope Frankle-Biter actually said this, I’m sure his hope was that we would all point out that experts estimate that as many as two percent of all adult males may be pedophiles.  That being said, if his number is accurate, that would mean for every ten pedophiles that apply, they hire an average of ten. (But that means they can magically identify pedophiles with 100% accuracy!!! … And hire them!!!  Exactly!!!) Lombardi’s focus on the percentage being way lower for Bishops and Cardinals is even harder to get a handle on, as this would mean that they know which ones are fucking kids and don’t promote them.  And while that’s no doubt true, it’s nowhere near as bad as pretending the kid-rapers just keep slipping through the well-lubed cracks.

If they made it a “fire-able offense” … that would be a good first step.  Then maybe focus on “not hiring” the rapists.  Baby steps.

Of course, arguing over what percentage of priests fuck kids is a distraction from the real issue, which is the continued global cover up and active sheltering of the kiddie-diddlers.  In other words, it’s probably best to get to the hospital before trying to decide how many of the snakes that just bit you were poisonous.

Pope: 2% of Catholic priests are pedophiles:

And in “GI Jane Lynch” news, Tennessee magistrate Judge Joe Rehyansky recently suggested on conservative propaganda site, The Daily Caller, that lesbians (but not gays) should be allowed to join the military.  Why?!?  He believes the onslaught of unsolicited dick in the barracks would cure these women of their preference for consensual vagina … But unfortunately the existing straight female soldiers aren’t a bunch of rapists, so the plan wouldn’t also work for curing the gays.

Ah, the old “Banky Edwards” Good-deep-dicking theory of sexual reorientation.  What does it say about religious conservatives that they’re suggestion for curing gay men is praying for them and for gay women it’s fucking them?

The “Private Pyle, Private Mound” idea was actually so stupid and offensive, that even Tucker Carlson’s The Daily Caller made retractions.  But before they did, Judge Joe got out several pearls of wisdom to the world.  Some of those pearls actually still remain on the site, because they’re really good at drawing lines.

This shit read like an anthropological love poem to rape.  The dude literally talks about men swinging through trees to subdue and impregnate as many women as they could, then wiped down his keyboard and added, “It was a tough job, but someone had to do it.”

In another such example, he explains that the natural order during hunter/gatherer times was – by necessity – very rapey … and therefore marvels that women ever got to make vaginal choices before the times of Mace and rape whistles.  But now that women have those protections – the judge laments – they’re free to choose “zero penises” … which is a big problem.

But in this assholes mind, being a woman is like being Harry Potter… you don’t choose the wand, the wand chooses you.

Ok so here’s Rehyansky’s since-retracted solution: (quote) “Get the distaff part of our homosexual population off our collective ‘Broke Back’, thus giving straight male GIs a fair shot at converting lesbians and bringing them into the mainstream.” (end quote) … And as much as I appreciate his feeble attempt at gay movie wordplay, he needs to be sodomized by lesbians with huge clits until he cries “Gay Aunt” and stops liking vagina.

As much as I love the visual, I think we’ll have to leave the 30 seconds on the clock for now… I don’t think I have enough Homophobic-Judge-Lesbian-Anal-Clit-Rape titles in me.

Judge: Lesbians can be cured by male soldiers:

And in “String Theory For Dummies” news tonight, the Freedom From Religion Foundation has challenged the right of Miami Jews to use public property to fool their notoriously stupid deity.  This story involves what is known as an “Eruv”, which is ridiculous even compared to other Jewish god-baffles.

Is this the one where the Jewish guys – who are expecting a Siberian snowstorm in July at any moment – walk around Williamsburg, Brooklyn with enormous amounts of yarn, instead of carrying their wallet and keys in a backpack???

That’s the one, yes.  So among the myriad arbitrary things jew god doesn’t let his chosen people do on the Sabbath is carry stuff in their pockets in public.  But with a quick bit of spiritual MacGyvering, Jews can get around the rule by tying a string around their whole community, thus fooling god into thinking it’s not a public place, but a “private” community.  The problem, of course, is that the FFRF is a little more observant than Jew-god and still realizes despite the string that those places are public property.

Honestly, I can see why the author made the Old Testament God character so pissed.  God tells them to empty their pockets before they leave the house, and instead they tie a string to the front door and carry the spool around the city of Miami like a lunatic.

<<You go out with some scissors and you could take hostages.>>

The FFRF argues that as innocuous as the strings may be they’re still religious symbols that serve a purpose only for people of one religion and thus should be treated no different than a crucifix placed on public land.  The local Jewish community has yet to respond, as they’re still trying to figure out how all us gentiles outwitted their magic string.

FFRF challenges public “Eruvs”:

And in “Educational Malpractice” news, Liberty University of Lynchburg, Tennessee – the Young Earth Creationist institution of lower learning founded by Jerry Falwell – is set to launch it’s own medical school next semester … Which makes about as much sense as the home of Jack Daniels being a dry county.

I wonder if their stance on evolution will require them to perpetually use the flu vaccine from 1938.

The school is only provisionally accredited at the moment, and won’t even be eligible for consideration to be fully accredited until it’s first class is about to graduate.  And regardless, they won’t be granting actual MD degrees, but instead DO’s … which are kind of like the GoBot Mr. Pibb GED of the doctor world.  So clearly, whoever’s in charge of that, doesn’t want to grant them anything until they demonstrate adherence to a proper curriculum that’s been shown to actually heal things.

And it doesn’t help that it’s a school of “Osteopathic Manipulative Medicine”, which, for those who aren’t familiar with the term, means “Magic bullshit doctor.”  This is quackery to the second power here.  Creationists creating Chiropractors?

Right so they’re not gonna be allowed to graduate creationist doctors unless, for example, they manage to catch two birds, kill one, dip the live one in the dead one’s blood, sprinkle the blood on a leper, add 8 more ridiculous procedures, and cure him … Barring that, the medical board’s gonna insist on antibiotics … from real doctors, instead of Leviticus remedies from insane people.

Hey, don’t knock it… my grandma had dead-bird, blood-sprinkled-altar therapy and it did wonders for her electromagnetic hypersensitivity and her Morgellons disease.

Creationist med school to open in August:

And from the “We were gonna tell AIDS jokes anyway” file, Maryland pastor Kwabena Sarpong informed a despondent crowd at a fourth of July “Celebrate America” event that we’re only one religious revival away from curing HIV.

Then what the fuck are they waiting for?!?  Have another revival and cure AIDS!!!  Usefully predict one single good thing that happens!!! … Once!!!

Drawing on the church’s long tradition of knowing stuff and curing things, Sarpong explained that the deviantly secular America would turn to the church if science could just fail to cure HIV long enough, thus implying that everyone who died of AIDS was part of a divine “they’re not lookin’ at me” temper tantrum.

So this guy is saying: “There’s a disease that scientists haven’t cured yet, so atheists will soon assume the only explanation is an asshole god being ‘mysterious’.”

It’s also worth noting that according to Sarpong, provided gay rights don’t irreconcilably damage our nation first, we will turn to god when AIDS patients give up on medicine and let religious people lay hands on them at which time they will (quote) “start walking” (end quote).  So yes, apparently god has the power to make people with AIDS walk, along with other miracles Sarpong has witnessed including giving earrings to the deaf and regrowing the beards of amputees.

Pastor says church will soon cure AIDS:

Yeah it’s important to get plenty of walking and other exercise while you’re experiencing multiple organ failure … And in “Rubber Meets the Robe” news, the recent SCOTUS ruling on Hobby Lobby was so awful and backwards, that it created – against all odds – a progressive faction of Christianity that is now  scrambling to distance itself from the fundamentalists, in one particular case by handing out condoms in front of an Illinois Hobby Lobby store earlier this month … Not that dudes buying paint for their Battlestar: Galactica figurines are largely at risk of needing birth control.  But I like the effort, regardless.

No self respecting man would buy his Battlestar: Galactica figurine paint at Hobby Lobby.  Hell, they don’t even carry “Cylon Silver”.

At the very least, the condom giveaway seems to have been more successful than the bigoted reverse campaign of West Virginia army wife, Holly Fisher … Being extremely well-read on the intricacies of political science, Amy Fisher tweeted a picture of herself outside a Hobby Lobby, with a “Pro-Life” T-shirt, and a Chic-Fil-A soda cup.

Over under eleven for the number of bumper stickers on her car?  I’d take the over.

Feeling this was too subtle, she decided to up the ante with another picture, which has since landed her large amounts of social media attention, and made her look even dumber, if that was possible.  Her second pic was a Fourth of July tribute, with an American flag in the background, a Bible in one hand, and an assault rifle in the other …

And the ashes of a bald eagle clenched between her ass cheeks…

When someone quickly juxtaposed this shot with one of every jihadist pic ever, it became clear the only difference was the Koran, and a different colored flag.  And now she’s the butt of the joke in an internet meme, which refers to her as “Holly Hobby Lobby” and “The Face of the American Taliban”.

Shoulda learned it from Oswald.  Those pictures of you sexually aroused by your firearm always come back to haunt you.

Clergy protest SCOTUS by handing out condoms at Hobby Lobby (Rubber meets the robe news?):<<AND>>Twat learns to tweet:<<and>>

And in “I’ll Show You Where the Beef Is” news tonight, Christian radio host and stuttering homophobic Bryan Fischer is apoplectic this week over Burger King’s new “Proud Whopper”.  In a commendable effort to embrace the current century and a less commendable effort to associate gay people with a restaurant known for shoving disappointingly small amounts of shriveled meat between dry, flaky buns; Burger King unveiled a new rainbow wrapped whopper with a message that read, “We’re all the same inside.”

“…Colon full of something called meat.” … This sounds like more of a “Five Guys Burgers and Fries” campaign … Or maybe In N Out Burger … Double Double Manimal Style!!!

The “Proud Whopper” was part of a limited time campaign in the San Francisco area that included an online video of customer’s reactions to the new packaging.  One woman on the video said the message on the wrapper made her cry.  She then revealed herself to be a first time Burger King customer by adding, (quote) “A burger’s never made me cry before.”

“Next on Doctor Oz … Where do Ass Burgers fall on the Autism Rainbow Spectrum???”

As touching as this inclusivity was to some, Fischer lamented over the decision saying (quote) “I think this is a marketing mistake… because I gotta guarantee you, when people sit down to eat a hamburger, the last thing they want to be thinking about is two guys having sex.” (end quote).  Because how could one possibly be expected to look at a rainbow colored fast food wrapper and not visualize a dick being rammed into a man’s ass?  Just suck a cock, Bryan!  One cock… I promise you, you’re gonna love it.  Just let go, step out of the closet and suck the first cock you find… you can use mine if you want to, just embrace your transparent desire to tongue-buff a hairy pair of testicles already.

Have you ever seen the people that walk into a Des Moines, Iowa Burger King???  The rainbow wrapper and the image of ‘dude on dude’ might not help, but they’re eating those 3 fucking Whoppers!!!

Christian Radio Host: “Burger King is gonna make us eat them Gay burgers!”

And finally tonight, from the “Gay Coffee Scalded My Balls” file: A slow-witted, overly-sensitive Christian named Joseph Parker got a job at a gay bar.  So keeping in mind he deserves whatever he gets, here’s the rest of the story …

Except buttrape.  Because we at the Scathing Atheist do not endorse butt-raping Christians.

So just get that out of your head … Parker wanted to find a pleasant Jesus-y work environment, so he decided the best place was an alcohol store for homosexuals called “Sidetrack”, in a neighborhood of Chicago called Boystown.  He became offended by the hilarious anti-religious humor in clips shown on comedy night, such as South Park’s The Spirit of Christmas, and decided to sue the bar for religious harassment.

If you don’t want to be insulted, find a less stupid religion.  It’s that easy.  Jesus getting his ass kicked by Santa is funny.  Nothing a court of law can do about that.

Exactly!!!  Now the complaint about the videos is only one part of this litigious asshole’s case, but fortunately reason prevailed on this particular issue.  Judge Amy St. Eve rejected the “cartoon is harassment” claim, pointing out that any reasonable person can see that what happens on the televisions … is NOT the offensive part of a gay bar to a Christian employee.

Right.  What the hell was even claiming?  “They didn’t just play South Park clips… they played South Park clips at me?”

At some point this story clearly needed to turn into … 30 seconds on the clock … “Offensive Cartoons to Scare Away Shitty Christian Busboys From Their Job at the Gay Bar” … GO!!!

Maybe we could count down all the sex acts Jesus hates in “101 Damnations”

“Erect it Ralph”

“A Gland Before Time”

Since we started with animal stuff anyway … “Booty and the Beastiality” ???

And for the gutsier bestial “The Lion Kink”

“Mo, Dwight, and the Seven Dwarfs”

What about a team of gender reassignment superheroes called “The Ex-Men?”

“Beavis and Butthead do an American Tail: Fievel Goes South”

“Grabba-Dees Balls”

“How to Drain Your Dragon”

“Inspect-his Gadget”

“Adopted Family Guys”

Reaching way back here… “The Last Eunuch Porn”

I don’t want to sound like a queer or nothin’, but eunuch porns are kick-ass … Okay done quoting that cinematic classic called “Orgazmo” …

What about “Sex Toy Story” ??? <Round 7 – Step it up!> … with Spuzz Lightyear

Now I’m imagining the Pixar logo, but with a fleshlight instead of the little desk lamp… what about “Captain More than 6000 year old Planet?”  That’ll piss ‘em off.

“White and Cloudy with a Lance of Meat, … Balls”

“Phallus and Gromit: Curse of the Queer-Rabbit”

“The Litte Mermaid Money Shots” … AKA … “Under the Semen” … AKA … “Blinding Nemo”

“The Cocky and Ball-Wrinkle Show?”

“Manimaniacs” … And the lesbian one was “Shiny Poon Adventures”

“Chalice in Wonderland” and the sequel, of course, “Through the Hooking Ass”

Maybe a Lindsay Lohan lesbian jail porn? … cartoon? … Since that’s completely a propos right now … What about: “Li-Lo and Bitch” ???

And because you can never get enough Lindsay Lohan lesbian jail porn, how about “Hey There, It’s Li-Lo-gi Bare?”  Just one of the many fine programs from Lindsay Lo-Hanna Bars-Bare-All productions.

“Sponge Bob’s Spare Pants” … Things got messy with Patrick’s starfish … And then again with the spare pants … It’s a jizz mopper joke.

Judge rejects claim that playing “South Park” at gay bar creates hostile work environment for religious employees:


Well it’s kind of a universal sign that when the jizz mopper shows up, we’re done, so I guess that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight.  Heath, thanks as always.

And when we come back the glass will be a little streaky.


This Week in Misogyny:

Okay, so I want to be careful because I don’t want to turn this segment into “This week in men saying dumb shit about rape”.  But as I perused the headlines this week it became inevitable that this was gonna be another rape-week.  So let’s take an international rape trip together and learn about all the new types of rapist the world has to offer.  I’d ask your permission, but then it might end up being a consensual trip.

We’ll start in the rape cultural capital of the world, India, where we meet the “uncontrollable” rapist.  These nomadic barbarians apparently wander on to Indian beaches and snap into frantic rape frenzies if they see female navels.  Minister Sudin Diaper-Licker warns about these types while reminding women not to tempt them by publicly wearing bikinis.

Diaper-Licker head’s the public works department for India’s wealthiest state and his proposal for preventing the unending, statewide rape epidemic is for the women to dress less rapeably.  But don’t worry, one-pieces aren’t the only suggestion he offers to improve the safety of India’s women.  He also suggest not wearing short skirts.

Bikinis to blame for Indian rapes, says state minister:

The next stop on our tour lands us in the United Kingdom where we meet the “Classic Rapist”.  I can’t tell you exactly what a “Classic Rapist” is, but I can tell you that convicted rapist Lee Setford isn’t one of them.  After being found guilty of raping a woman who was asleep on his couch, the judge explained that Setford wasn’t “a classic rapist,” adding, (quote) “you’re not the type who goes searching for a woman to rape” (end quote).

Now before you go condemning this neo-rapist in your head, I should mention some of the other mitigating circumstances His Honor pointed out.  First of all, the young woman was (quote) “a pretty girl who [he] fancied” but perhaps more importantly, he (quote) “simply couldn’t resist.”

No word on whether the victim was also guilty of bikini wearing, but I think we can all agree that any woman who loses consciousness without locking her iron panties is just asking for it.

Don’t worry, he wasn’t a “classical rapist”, he just lost control, says Judge:

And finally, we head back to the good old USA to a man so misogynistic he’s in the intro to this segment.  You may recall Todd Akin as the man who introduced us to “Legitimate rape” while aborting his senatorial bid back in 2012.  This led to several futile weeks of apologies and he’s back in the news again with another apology…. for the last apology.

Despite disavowing those statements repeatedly in the media aftermath, this week he revealed in an op-ed that he had his fingers crossed the whole time and was secretly “not sorry”.

Akins doubled down on the claim that the stress of rape kills sperm despite there being no actual evidence to support his bullshit.  He invites those who doubt him to simply google “stress and fertilization” because the google never lies.

Todd Akin apologizes for apoligizing for rape comment:

That’s all I have for you this week and after spending the whole segment discussing patriarchal excuses for rape, I kind of wish we’d just had another bunny-punching story to talk about.  I’ll be back next week unless we somehow rid the world of sexism between now and then.



Hello, this is god.

Afternoon god, this is Sally with Facebook.

Sally.  How the hell are you?

Be careful god, you know how nervous I get when you use my name and “hell” in the same sentence.

(chuckles) So what can I do for you today, Sally?

Just a couple prayer requests that met their “like” threshold.  There’s the little girl in Racine with the heart valve issue; there’s the down syndrome kid in Mechanicsburg that got his penis caught in the tractor… there’s… let’s see… I’ve got a kid in Omaha with Leukemia that got his ten thousand likes… not the black kid, of course…

Listen, Sally… this was great the first couple of times, but if we’re gonna keep doing this, I think we need to up the limit a bit.  Maybe a million likes?

I’ll pass that suggestion along, but I don’t see my supervisors acting on it, to be honest.

I’m serious.  Last month I wasted a perfectly good miracle giving some kid in Phoenix a fully functional Iron Man suit.  And I still haven’t gotten around to brimstoning Justin Bieber…

Well, we would advise you to budget your time better, god.

Hey, look, back when I agreed to this I never knew it was gonna get out of hand so quickly.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

Look buddy, you’re omnipotent, but you’re not “Zuckerberg” omnipotent.  You’ve got a contract with us through 2018 and we’ll raise the minimum if and when we decide to.

Yes ma’am.

Alright.  So where was I…


Right.  The old woman with the heart murmur in Springfield, Missouri only hit eight thousand so go ahead and kill her… oh, but her dog had a tumor and he got ten thousand likes so a miraculous remission there whenever you get a chance.

That kid with the two heads in India didn’t get ten thousand likes, did he?

Not even close.

Oh, good… cause I don’t know how the hell I was gonna fix that.  Whoo… what a fuck up that was.

Not to worry, God, we specialize in affluent white children.

Oh, hey, do you talk to Satan at all?

Of course.  I see him in the cafeteria all the time.

Is he… um… what’s he been up to?

He’s hard at work on the new page design.

Can you maybe… tell him I said hi?

Yeah, God… I’ll tell him… again.

Tell him I’m keeping pretty busy up here, though, you know?  Those parking spaces aren’t just gonna find themselves.  Yes, sirree, I’m still happy that we broke up and all… but still tell him I said hi.

Will do, God.

Thanks Sally.  Oh, and sorry about the thing with the bus and your uncle Rick.

The what?

Oh, nevermind… sorry, that’s next week.  My bad…

Wait… what thing?

Nothing… gotta run

God?  <Dial Tone> God?  God… Damn you…


Poem – Song of Solomon

When I decided to write a poem for each book of the bible, I didn’t realize how often that would leave me writing poems about bad poems.  So when it came to “Song of Solomon” I figured we could just give it a modern reboot.  “Song of Solomon” is a love poem in three parts, the man, the woman and a group of friends.

So joining me for the poem tonight is Lucinda, playing the part of the woman… sorry to typecast you, baby… and playing the part of the “friends” will be the intrepid Heath Enwright.  You guys ready?

Alright… “Song of Solomon,” in rhyme:


Man: My lover, my lady, I think of you lately; every time that I pasture my sheep.

I think of you often in an effort to soften; if things get hard when I’m trying to sleep.


Woman: My lover, my suitor, I have a dripping wet cooter, which is a breed of American turtle,

And the land where I dwell, was as hard as his shell, but you left my soil soft, plowed and fertile.


Friends: My companions, my friends; I think we know how this ends; as your passions are sure to prevail.

I see you connected, as love is erected; In fact, I’ve pictured it in vivid detail.


Man: My cohort, my chum, I want her to come; Again to my chamber and linger;

Friends: It’s clear you’re enamored, so just get her hammered; and when you’re done, let me smell your  fingers.


Woman: My acquaintance, my pal; he should grace my canal; but how should I offer this plea?

Friends: Hmm… In the midst of a chat; simply tell him all that, but when you say “canal”, maybe leave off the “C”?


Man: My beauty, my love, your eyes are like doves, and your teeth are like damp, naked goats.

Friends: That comparison’s shit.

Man: Yes, I’ll freely admit, that’s not the sexiest of biblical quotes.


Woman: My darling, my beau; I want you to know, that when I think of you I tingle inside.

I throb and I shiver, and tremble and quiver, or at least I did until the batteries died.


Man: But at last we’re united;

Friends: Squeeze her tits, dude,

Man: Be quiet;

Woman: Hey listen, that’s advice you should follow.

Man: My love, my divine, let me pour you some wine.

Woman: It won’t be the last thing tonight that I’ll swallow.


Man: You should lie on the bed,

Woman: This wine’s gone to my head, so have your way with me before I get sleepy.

Friends: Go ahead man, just kiss her.

Man:My lover, my sister…

Woman: Don’t call me that; it’s fucking creepy.

Man: My angel, my dear, you seem burdened, I fear;

Woman: I am love.

Man: By what?

Woman: All this clothing.

Man: I’ll see that undone.

Friends: Well you two have fun; I’ll be out here beating off to her moaning.


Woman: My suitor,

Man: My lover;

Woman: Below him,

Man: Above her;

Woman: With his sweat dripping down on my head.  My lover,

Man: My lady,

Woman: My darling,

Man: My baby; I’m sorry, but that wasn’t sweat.


Man: My love, a proposal,

Woman: <Garbled>

Man:I suppose I’ll; wait to ask until you’re done sucking.

Woman: <swallows hard> Go ahead.

Man: I think we should wed.

Friends: I pronounce you man and wife, now get back to the fucking.



It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback.  This is the part of the show with a segment title that’s so self explanatory, it needs no additional explanation but I always feel the need to put a sentence here anyway.

Our first email comes from Sweden where Filip asks for a little clarification on the Hobby Lobby ruling we’ve been talking about the last couple of weeks.  Specifically, he wondered if we could elaborate on the term “sincerely held religious belief” and what that means from a legal perspective.

Yeah, that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?  As near as I can tell, the testicled members of the Supreme Court plan to use a combination of FMRIs and nanobots to determine the sincerity of one’s beliefs because if they couldn’t do that, it would be an impossible to apply legal standard that could only lead to the wealthier and more litigious believers gaining privileges the rest of us don’t have, huh?

Maybe they could make a list of all the laws we are allowed to break from now on.  I’m drawing up the bible for my new religion …

But if we haven’t talked this thing to death yet, I do hope to get somebody on with a background in law that has enough familiarity with this case to answer Filip’s questions and several of my own.

We also got an email from Terry who is wondering when we’ll have the Diatribes collected as an audiobook for our visually impaired listeners.  And I know that seems like it would be really easy to do… If only Noah had all the audio files of the individual diatribes already recorded to give him a head start…

Right, but finding the time to record all the intros, put it altogether and edit it so the sound levels are consistent has proven to be a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I promise, I am working on it, though, and I hope to have it done by the end of the month unless some other unforeseen thing is hard.

And Noah’s old and married, so that would be unforeseen.

We also got a Tweet or three from @BangsNaughtyBit who thought we were a little hard on pastor Ricky Martin in last week’s lead story.  You’ll recall he was the pastor that was running the refuge for sex offenders in Alabama.  And to be honest, when you give Heath and me an Alabama trailer park full of sex offenders, that’s like our air.

Yeah this guy’s absolutely right … I’d like to issue a self-proclaimed completely genuine apology to the guy that made the perfectly reasonable decision to hoard convicted sex offenders in his backyard redneck terrarium … I’m so very sorry.  You’re a gentleman and a biblical scholar.

That being said, after reading up a little more on the story I think Naughty Bits is probably right and while it does make for great dick joke fodder, I was a little harsh on the dude when I called him the “bad” Ricky Martin.  I know they have laws that say that sex offenders aren’t allowed to live within a thousand miles of a thing at this point and as hard as it is to sympathize with sex offenders, they do have to actually live somewhere.  And anybody with any sense knows to keep their kids away from churches so that’s as good a place for them as any, I suppose.

I thought convicted sex offenders were supposed to get murdered in jail … What’s up with the Alabama jail system???

Certainly not the first time those words were assembled in an incredulous inquiry.  So anyway, Pastor Martin was reaching out to help and even if it was in a way that kind of screams “terrible idea”, it’s almost certainly not as bad as “Living La Vida Loca.”

And finally tonight, an email from Karen, whose daughter is going to her first bible study next week.  She writes;

“… I was inclined to tell her she couldn’t go, but I don’t want to deny her time with her best friend and I don’t want to force my worldview on her the way my parents forced theirs on me.  At the same time, I want to arm her against the type of indoctrination I know takes place at things like this.  Any advice?”

So first of all, I want to take issue with the concept of not wanting to force your worldview on your kids.  That’s a pretty common thing amongst atheists for exactly the reason Karen describes; my parents crammed their religion down my throat and I don’t want to cram my atheism down my kid’s throats.

Yeah atheists tend to be better about the … throat cramming kids stuff.

But I look at this as a false analogy.  Cramming reason down somebody’s throat isn’t the same as brainwashing them.  If your parents raised you to believe in Shamanic medicine and then you grew up and learned about Western medicine, you wouldn’t let your kid explore both and make up their mind.  You would tell them about the one that’s real and warn them about the other one.

You can’t really “brainwash” the idea of: “Be flexible based on the data.”  That’s not a crammable thing.

Exactly… but I guess one way or the other it makes for a good top ten list.  So top ten warnings to give a non-religious kid going to their first bible study.

  • 10 – Don’t worry, they’ll provide you with knee pads … Some of them are even built-in.
  • 9 – The Bible isn’t the one with Voldemort in it.
  • 8 – Don’t be female.
  • 7 – Remember, if it has talking animals, it’s fantasy…
  • 6 – It has talking animals.
  • 5 – Ask yourself the whole time, “Is this more fun than Minecraft?”
  • 4 – You know all those stupid kids in your class?  They often become adults.  Just keep that in mind.
  • 3 – Just remember, if you decide to be religious, you’re not allowed to touch yourself.
  • 2 – And no, not even the “Dutch Rudder” … or the “Israeli Jib Sheet”
  • 1 – Don’t forget your rape-whistle.

And that’s all the feedback you get.  If you want more, send us more emails, Tweets and smoke signals.  You’ll find all the contact info on the Contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.



Before we go quietly into the night I wanted to give everyone a quick update.  You might recall a story we shared a couple of weeks back about a humanist couple that were killed in a car accident.  We urged our listeners to check out a fundraiser that was set up for their two surviving daughters.  Anyway, we got an email from Elena, who was coordinating all of this a couple days back and I wanted to pass her thanks along to our extremely generous listeners.  The two girls are back home and doing much better, they send their gratitude, as does Elena, as do I.

I also wanted to remind you that you can catch more me on episodes 188 and 188.5 of the Imaginary Friends Show Dot Com Pode-cast with Jake-Farr Wharton.  We were joined by Paul from the Quranify Me Podcast and the skit we just wrapped up as well as Twitter’s very own (at) Amanda the Ablaze.  We had a lot of fun, made boob jokes, talked science.  If you want to check it out, you’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Also wanted to thank everyone who picked up a copy of our book, “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays from a Godless Misanthrope” over the last couple of weeks.  Big upsurge in sales this week so we’re glad to contribute to world literacy.  Thanks to everyone who recommended the book, talked it up on Social Media or left us a review on Amazon.  And remember, as of next week we’re already halfway through Volume Two, so be sure to pick up your copy of Volume One, quick before it’s old.

I can’t shut her down without thanking Heath once again for all the hats he wears in this operation.  I want to thank one of the three or four wives on the planet that would agree to do all the crazy shit I ask Lucinda to do for this podcast.

Obviously I want to toss out a big thanks to Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and Atheistically Speaking; Paul from Quranify Me; and David from My Book of Mormon.  Thomas may have won but the competition is damn stiff.  I’ll invite you to see for yourself by checking out all of their shows, which you’ll find linked on this week’s shownotes as well.

Of course, I need to thank Terry from the Amateur Skeptics’ Podcast for both providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for providing me with the image of Homo Habilis women on bicycles wearing lycra.  Terry also asked me to plug a charity bike ride coming up in Colorado.  It’s a fundraiser to the American Diabetes Association, she’ll be riding a metric century, which is a really long time, I think.  Anyway, I poked around a bit on the website and couldn’t find the date, but I did find a donate link, so if any of our fine and charitable listeners would like to help Terry help people with diabetes, you’ll find a link on the homepage of our website as well as on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most adjectivey nouns; Jay, Tor, Danielle, Tim, Ryan, Chris, David, Benjamin and Erik.  Jay, Tor and Danielle, whose tongues are so dextrous they can make an envelope come; Tim, Ryan and Chris, who are so sharp they can’t have any Bs or Es in their names; and David, Benjamin and Erik, who are the only non planetary objects that can affect the global climate when their poles shift.

These nine noble nonbelievers have nudged us that much closer to financial sustainability this week by giving us money.  It takes guts to give us money, as well as a skeleton in which to put them.  But if you have a skeleton and organs, you, too, can give us money.  You can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.

And if you’d like to help but you’re still saving up for the cybernetic implants, you can also help us a ton by joining the more than 500 awesome people who have taken the time to leave us a five star review on iTunes… or the more than 42 awesome people who have done the same on Stitcher.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Episode 9: Partial Transcript

April 18, 2013 Leave a comment

by Noah Lugeons


Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new line of Christian feminine hygiene products, Penta-Douche.  Remember, when you have that not-so-fresh feeling, it’s because you’re unclean in the eyes of God.  So when you’re being shunned for seven days, as is proscribed in all of the Abrahamic faiths, be sure to use our new Adam & Summer’s Eve brand.

Penta-douche; because women are cursed and responsible for the fall of man.

And now, the Scathing Atheist


It’s Thursday, It’s April 18th and due to an increase in promiscuity, Allah has cut it back to 54 virgins per Jihadee.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from scandalous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

  • Pope Frankie names a group of 8 mini-bosses you’ll have to defeat before entering his lair,
  • Carl from Post Rapture Looting joins me for some atheist Easter Egg hunting where we look for eggs we know aren’t there,
  • And Representative Joe Barton moves to tackle global warming by first gathering two of every unclean species and seven of every clean one

But first, the Diatribe.


A lot of theists have trouble accepting that we really don’t believe in god.  They like to think that deep down we’re just suppressing our faith but when we find ourselves in a really tough situation, we’ll revert to our programming, we’ll drop to our knees and we’ll start praying.  After all, when they look at the world, they see god.  So how could we look at the same world and not see him at all?

Similarly, a lot of atheists have trouble accepting that theists really believe in god.  We like to think that deep down they know good and damn well that it’s all a myth propagated by power-hungry shamans and that when the shit hits the fan, they’ll abandon their superstitions and turn to a secular solution.  After all, when we look at the world, we don’t see a god.  How could they look at the same world and see one?

Clearly part of this is just a lack of intellectual empathy.  They think we’ve got a ‘god shaped hole’ in our hearts and we think they’ve got a ‘reason shaped hole’ in their heads.  It’s a defense mechanism like the one where we demonize the opposite side of the political spectrum.   It’s harder to Accept that they’ve looked at the evidence and come to a contrary conclusion than it is to create a caricature of their opinions and pretend that they’re all heartless or stupid.

And I suppose a lot of people would tell me to leave it there.  I said something bad about one side and then I said something bad about the other and now can’t we all just get along?

But I think it’s too neat and tidy to write it all off as a self-delusion.  After all, when I listen to somebody tell me that they believe that god’s in heaven and Jesus loves them and grandma and Sparky are at the pearly gates waiting for them, I don’t wonder how they believe it.  I wonder why they’re not in a bigger hurry to die.

If I ask them, they’ll tell me that god has a plan for them on earth and that they’d miss their kids or their grandkids or their friends or whatever, but if you balance the time we spend on earth with the eternity they expect to spend in heaven, it’s an insignificant blink of the eye.  Ten billion years from now your grandkids won’t even remember that you weren’t there while they were learning to poop.

And why aren’t they more eager for their loved ones to die?  It seems to me that once mom has arthritis or even a persistent headache she’d be better off in heaven where she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.  How selfish is it for me to hope she lingers on in minor pain for decades just so that I can have her around to babysit the kids?  Hell, it seems like as soon as your folks start hitting financial troubles you’d be hoping they’d die so they could move into that mansion god has for them in heaven.

I’ve watched friends grieve the loss of a loved one; both theist and atheist.  And I can tell you from a statistically insignificant, unblinded anecdote that one didn’t seem to have any easier a time with it than the other.  Somehow the person who professed to believe that their beloved was living in a mansion with a golden driveway in paradise was every bit as bereaved as the person who professed to believe that their loved one no longer existed at all.  How could that possibly be?

When I say that I don’t think theists believe their own bullshit, it’s not something I’m basing on my own psychology, it’s something I’m basing on their behavior.  If you honestly believed, all the way to your core, that you were going to meet the people you lose in a perfect world in the clouds, how could you possibly mourn their passing?  How could a funeral be anything but a joyous occasion?

The religious dingbats of the world like to express their disbelief in atheists with one of the most pervasive and insulting clichés ever coined to smear rationalists; “There are no atheists in a foxhole.”

The idea is that even we heathens will turn to god if things get bad enough.  Included, of course, is the unspoken assumption that when we experience this instantaneous conversion, it’ll be their god we’ll start praying to.  It never seems to occur to them that if that’s how it worked, all the Christians in the foxhole would start praying to Allah, Shiva and Odin just to be on the safe side.

But I’d like to submit the opposite.  When you’re in the proverbial foxhole, myths and superstitions are cold comfort.  When the bombs are raining down, nobody’s saying “Shit, I sure hope that one hits us!” and if they were, we’d rightly assume that they’d lost their fucking minds.  I submit that when we’re facing the uncertainty of our own deaths, we are all atheists by default.

Contrary to the adage, when it comes down to it, there are no theists in a foxhole.


Joining me for headlines tonight is my kemosabe Heath Enwright.  Heath, are you ready to Lone Range?

In our lead story tonight, California legislators are subtly suggesting that perhaps the Boy Scouts of America should stop being bigots.  A proposed law would strip the Boy Scouts of their tax exempt status along with any other nonprofit that excludes members based on sexual orientation, gender identity or religious affiliation.

There’s been a real outcry surrounding this proposal and strangely enough it’s not because this wasn’t done decades ago.  How common sense is this proposal?

  • I’d like to read a quote from “Should SB 323 become law it would break new ground in using the tax system to punish those who are disliked by LGBT activists.”  Those who are disliked by LGBT activists are called bigots.  So the the tax system punishes bigots.  Is that unreasonable?
  • I’d like a tax system that punishes all sorts of shitty people.  That’s actually the whole point of certain taxes.  To discourage things with negative externalities, like the actions and opinions of the ignorant.

Yeah, hard to imagine why religious groups would be threatened by a law that strips tax exemptions from groups that institutionalize discrimination, huh?

While most of the major media coverage has focused on the gay stuff, this law would also force the Boy Scouts, and any other group seeking tax exemption, to allow the dreaded atheists to walk amongst them.

  • Much like a black person disrupts the front of a bus, an atheist clearly disrupts a lesson in the tying of a bowline knot.
  • What’s their problem?

The bill is saying, you can still be an asshole, and you can still have your asshole club.

The government just happens to offer extra credit on the test for clubs that are not assholes . . . So you assholes don’t get those particular bonus points.

  • We’re bending over backwards to be tolerant of assholes.  We’re just taking away the asshole subsidy they’ve been getting.  And we’ll give it right back if they stop being assholes.

California pushes bill to end State tax exemptions for Boy Scouts because of anti-gay, anti-atheist policies:

–          From a real news source:

–          From Xian Newswire:

From the “Should we call it the Reform Council or the Council on Reform” Department, the Pope has assigned 8 cardinals to advise him on thinking about talking about thinking about reform.  While major media headlines like “Pope Makes First Big Decision Naming Advisory Board” and “Pope Makes Tough Decisions as Reforms Loom” would suggest that he’d actually done something, the actual meat of this story is downright vegan.

So Pope Frankfurter has commissioned an advisory panel to look into overhauling the Vatican Bureaucracy.  Vatican officials point out that it’s been a quarter century since the bureaucracy was updated, somehow missing the irony that it’s been two millennia since any-damn-thing else about their church was updated.

  • Yeah their literature could use a few retractions.  Maybe a new edition, in light of all this new shit.
  • I heard the advisory panel has a small delegation scouring the woods to confirm or disconfirm the presence of bear shit.
  • Maybe the panel can also look into whether there will ever be some way to create individual cross-sections that divide up an entire loaf of bread into convenient pieces.

But the collective media cock-guzzle around Pope Frank-n’-Beans continues and everything he does from washing a foot to wiping lefty is dutifully reported as proof that he’s a real reformer and things are gonna be different under his watch.  He’s not like that old creepy pedophile-protecting Palpatine lookalike.  He’s an old creepy, pedophile-protecting Droopy Dog lookalike.

  • He reminds me of Elmer Fudd, but with a sillier hat . . . doing the “Kill the Wabbit” song to Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries”.
  • Sidenote: I’m thoroughly impressed by the lefty wiping.  I tried to jerk it lefty one time, and I suffered an elbow injury and an eye injury.

Pope names 8 advisors to think about talking about thinking about reform:

And in earth-shattering international news, women are wearing man-clothes at the Western Wall.  This news comes to us from the 1300s via modern day Jerusalem.  Several female activists were arrested at the holy site last Thursday for wearing man-shawls and praying out loud.

  • The man-shawls don’t help the sexual roles platform, and they definitely muddle the homophobia stance a little.

And as much as my liberal heart wants to stand behind the women involved in this protest, my rational mind says, “you’re trying to pray to an imaginary being whose very existence was largely manufactured to oppress your gender”, so it’s hard for me to rally behind them too much.  If you want to advance women in these silly cultures, leave all the talking-to-walls to the men and maybe try reading or something.  Just a suggestion.

  • Yeah, why the hell do they want to go there or do that in the first place?  They must have got Tom Sawyered.
  • “Don’t even think about wearing that man-shawl and whitewashing this prayer wall with me.”

Clash with religious authorities at the Western Wall because women are wearing the “man shawls”

And in “No-when-to-fold-em” news, a NY nun has admitted stealing more than an eighth of a million dollars to cover her gambling expenses.  She now faces six months in prison, which, for the record, I would do in a heartbeat for $128,000.  I mean seriously?  Six months?

But before you go thinking the sentencing was light because she was a 68 year-old nun, I should mention that her attorney says she’s really, really sorry.  And if we were more like Jesus we wouldn’t be so worried about the past.

  • I guess you gotta support the habit somehow.

Vinnie “Knuckles” Malone, a source close to the case was quoted as saying, “That bitch just lucky she still has all her fingers.  Nun or not, I’ll fuck that whore up.”

  • The Knuckles brand of justice sounds surprisingly well-informed on the 1st Amendment.

NY nun admits to stealing $130,000 from churches to pay for her gambling addiction:

And earning the honor of the stupidest politician in the national spotlight this week is Texas Republican… and I’d just like to point out that those two words very often precede the naming of the stupidest politician in the national spotlight on any given week…

  • Texas Republicans making political decisions, are like the youngest brother in a big family getting to choose what everyone has for dinner on their birthday.  You end up having to appease them once in awhile, so you try to take them seriously that one day,  and they’re like “Deep Fried Chocolate Baloney Hot Pockets!!!”

Anyway, Texas Republican Joe Barton was trying to justify a bill to force Obama’s hand on the Keystone pipeline.  And atheists, I’m sure, have differing opinions on the issue of this controversial energy project.  But I think we can all agree that it takes a class A jackass to use the issue to write off climate change on the grounds of God’s predilection for flooding the whole world.

  • The gradual melting of polar ice caps would be the lamest Great Flood ever.  Not exactly an awe-inspiring demonstration of omnipotence.
  • “Does the water look a couple inches higher to you?  That’s it . . . I’m devoting my life to Jesus.”
  • Decent amount of slavery in the bible, so that must not have been a man-made phenomenon either.  Just pious plantation owners fulfilling their destiny.  Somebody’s gotta get enslaved.

Now, if I quoted him directly, I’d probably get accused of making it sound stupider than it actually sounded, so here it is, in all it’s glorious fucktardary: [SOUNDCLIP]

Rep. Joe Barton cites the great flood as evidence that global warming is not man made: (grab soundclip on this one, too!)

And finally tonight, the intrepid radio host and fundamentalist activist Bryan Fischer has uncovered our secret, homofascist plot to make Christians wear Christian badges like ghetto Jews in Nazi Germany.

  • We ended up going ahead with that plot?  I was thinking thorny crowns though.  The sleeve patches are a little too subtle.
  • Didn’t Fischer seem strangely preoccupied with the design of the Christian ghetto patch?

Our nefarious strategy had managed to stay so well-hidden over the years that not even the key players instrumental in its implementation knew about it, but despite this nearly preternatural level of secrecy, Fischer’s mind was able to twist through the various corridors of our labyrinth and figure out our plans even before we did.  And he did so amidst the following random assemblage of gibberish: [SOUNDCLIP]

  • Of course, you never want to hear about a holocaust.  Of course.  But if another one HAD TO HAPPEN, I’d say Christians are the logical victims.  Hold on, what am I talking about?  Muslims, obviously.  What, it’s a fucking roast!
  • I’d say that the most surprising thing I learned when I was researching this story is that spellcheck has no issues at all with the word “homofascist”.

Bryan Fischer discovers our homofascist plot to make Christians wear badges like ghetto Jews: (grab soundclip!!)

That does it for headlines, when we come back, Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast will join us to discuss all the fun he had over Easter Weekend.


Normally I save emails for the end of the show but I got one from a celebrity the other day and it got me really excited.  I’m not sure if I he would want me to mention his name, but you know what?  Fuck it, I’m pretty stoked, I’m gonna go ahead and tell you.  It was from God.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  It’s an email and anybody could say there were God, but the way I figure it, I’ve got exactly as much evidence that this email was written by god as Christians have that the bible was, so I’m rolling with it.

Anyway, it’s pretty cool, so I thought I’d share it with you:

Dear Noah,

This email is intended as official notice that you have been damned.

This action was taken against you by me, the Lord Almighty on April 13th in the year of our me 2013 for trespasses including, but not limited to:

  • Taking my name in vain while suggesting that I, Father of Abraham, Granter of Life, Alpha and Omega, am physically comprised of fecal-pornography,
  • Making it sound on your show like Jesus is bad at finding keys when, if fact, he is damn good at it, and
  • Making a blasphemous exclamation while masturbating on the Sabbath to impure thoughts about your neighbor’s wife in mixed garments.

As a consequence of your damning, the standing invitation of your immortal soul to return to heaven upon its earthly passing has been revoked.  Alternate accommodations will be provided.  In addition, your prayers will be ignored separately from those of believers, you will not be permitted to use a crucifix to ward off vampires and Jesus says from now on you can find your own fucking keys.

If you feel that you have been damned in error, please reply within 30 days with an explanation of any extenuating or mitigating circumstances along with heaps of sanctimonious praise and obsequious adulation.  Failure to remit in the time frame outlined above will result in your damnation being converted to eternal status.

Praise and adulation will be judged at the discretion of the damning party and may or may not be deemed sufficient for salvation.

May God have mercy on your soul… Oh wait, too late for that Bitch.



It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show.  Normally we try to keep things light hearted and funny on this show, but sometimes there’s nothing funny about what we’re doing.  And once in a while we need to step back and recognize that.

That’s why I’m dedicating this week’s calendar to the atheist bloggers and activists in Bangladesh that are risking their lives to do exactly what I’m doing.  Freedom of speech is something I blithely accept as my birthright as an American, but not everyone is as fortunate.

I can’t possibly cover all the details of this story in such a short format, but I strongly encourage you to learn more about it.  We’ll have links all over the shownotes and if you follow us on Twitter we’ll keep you abreast of the story.  Suffice to say that a well-organized group of Islamic militants are trying to use their bully pulpit to divert attention away from their wrong-doing and a group of atheist bloggers have become their unwitting scapegoat.

Two bloggers have already been killed and Islamic leaders are calling for the execution of 84 more named atheist activists.

In response, atheist and humanist organizations all over the world have declared April 25th a day of action to stand with our fellow non-believers.  And you can make a difference here.  Write a blog, send a letter, join one of the many protests being organized across the country, or, if nothing else, take to social media and let people know what is happening.

Regardless of our beliefs, we can all agree that nobody should die for theirs.  I urge you to check out the links at Scathing Atheist (dot) com and learn more.

And now, back to the fart jokes and stuff.

April 25th, stand with the atheist bloggers in Myanmar:


There was one email I wanted to respond to before we closed things out for the night, but first a quick correction.  You’ll recall that last week Heath and I discussed a nincompoop that wrote an article about how Steven Hawking proved the bible correct by referring to dust.  Anyway, I identified the numb-skull as Paul Hitchins, his name is actually Paul Hutchins.  So I wanted to apologize, not to the Christian dingle-berry, but rather to the name “Hitchins”.  So sorry about that, I owe you more respect.

Okay, so first email comes to us from Renee in Clemsdale and I’m not sure what state or country Clemsdale is in.  Renee was very polite in his or her full condemnation of everything we’ve done on the show and, in a round-about way, everything I’ve ever done in my life.  But I just wanted to tell Renee that I did love the email, especially the contradictory notion of condemning me to hell in one paragraph, but then hoping I have a lovely day in the next.

Sorry to end on such a somber note, but that does it for our show this week.  We’ll be back in 168 hours, when we’ll crack open our bibles and tackle Genesis in the “Holy Babble”.  If you can’t get enough of us, be sure to check out our erratically published blog and follow us on Twitter.

I want to throw a big thanks to Carl for joining me early on a Sunday morning for that interview.  He had to miss church and everything, so I want to thank him for making the sacrifice.  If you haven’t checked out his show, be sure to do that.  Once again, it’s the Post Rapture Looting Podcast and we’ll have links to it on the shownotes for this episode. (

I want to thank the person who gave us our first donation.  Haven’t figured out how to find out who you are so I can thank you by name, but thanks.  Really means a lot to us.  If you’d like to join this exclusive group of one person, you can donate to the show as well.  You’ll find the link on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

If you want to help us out but don’t want to part with any of your hard earned cash, you can always swing by iTunes and give us an awesome review.  We really appreciate everyone who does that and we love them more than the other audience members… except the ones who give cash, who we love the most.

Of course, a huge thanks to Heath for everything he does to make the wheels of this podcast turn and a big thanks to everyone who decided to give us thirty minutes of their lives.  We’ll be hard at work earning thirty minutes next time.  Until then, check out the backlog and do it on Stitcher because seriously, our Stitcher rank sucks balls.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.  All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.