Show Transcripts | The Scathing Atheist

Episode 42 – Partial Transcript

December 5, 2013 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Warning, this podcast contains explicit language and obscure SAT words.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by…

Opus Dei-Quil Non-Drowsy Multi-Symptom Relief For Self-Mutilators. Are the infected, gaping flesh wounds on your back causing a fever? Did you share one too many bloody cilices and contract Opus DAIDS? Does Adonai-Quil make you groggy, Jewy or turn your meth green?

Then try Opus Dei-Quil: The official medication of the bad guys from “The DaVinci Code”

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s December 5th,

And non-sequiturs have NO rules!!!

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from mostly harmless New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode

New Mexico offers a 90-day return policy if your god is broken,
We’ll bring a towel,
And Kansas City finds a way to escape the Matrix and get to Zion.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

So I was watching football last week, and no, you limey bastards, I don’t mean soccer. Clearly the word “football” belongs to the people who hijacked it for a game where kicking the ball is against the rules in almost every situation, despite the nearly global agreement to the contrary, led by the people who both coined the term and invented the language it was coined in. Because America, damn it. And sometimes Canada, damn it, too.

And speaking of damn it, damn it if the postgame interviews weren’t brought to you by Jesus. And Subway.

Some reporter is interviewing the paragon of intellectualism that stuffed the run on 4th down and ended the game and in response to the question; “Do you have to play the run differently when you’re dealing with a mobile quarterback?” This nincompoop prefaces his answer with “First of all, I want to thank Jesus Christ; it all starts with him.”

Yeah, run-blitzing starts with Jesus. Because how the fuck are you supposed to wrap up a tackle if nobody had died for your sins? And wasn’t it Christ the savior stuffing the A gap and forcing the runner inside? No? That was a real human that exists? Then fuck you and answer the question you blathering neanderthal. Nobody tuned into the broadcast this afternoon saying, “Boy, I hope we get some sage-like theological nuggets from the nose guard once this is over.” Your a linebacker. We don’t even want to hear you talk about football, let alone your lord and savior, baby Jesus.

This stuff pisses me off and not just for the obvious reason that it only goes one way. As Carlin points out, you never hear “The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage”. Except for Bills Wideout Stevie Johnson who once lamented over a dropped ball that cost his team a game by Tweeting, “I praise you 24/7 and this is how you do me!!!”

And beyond that, there’s the implication that god loves you more than the other team. When future hall of famer and probably murderer Ray Lewis talked to the media after last year’s Superbowl, he actually said, “If god is for you, who can be against you?” Implying that god personally decided that the Ravens would win and, in a roundabout way, that the 49ers are the minions of the devil.

And if that’s not enough, consider the insult to everybody who actually did something. Think about how many people directly impacted the team’s victory more than Jesus. He could have thanked his teammates, his coaches, his trainers, his mom, his fluffer… all of those people deserve the thanks more than some nomadic Jewish felon from the iron age.

But more than all of that; more than the selective application, the egocentrism and the corporeal snubbing, what pisses me off most when I hear these impromptu benedictions is that the Jesus-groupies have no idea that they’re being assholes. And even after that extensive but not exhaustive list of why it pisses me off, plenty of Christians would hear this diatribe and say “He’s just expressing his opinion! Why shouldn’t he be allowed to express his views? Why, Noah, you’re allowed to express your views every week on this podcast. Doesn’t he deserve the same liberty?”

No and fuck you rhetorical voice of opposition. It’s just another special privilege that religion gets and nothing else gets. If he wants to start a Christian podcast or thank Jesus at his church I’m not gonna bitch about it… as much. But we were talking about football and all of a sudden we’re on to the lord almighty.

Can you imagine if people were like that about their political views or… anything else at all? Some sideline reporter says, “How does this win affect your playoff chances?” and somebody says, “First of all, I just want to say that embryos aren’t babies, it all starts with that,” or “Before I answer that, I just want to thank Xena for all the erections,” or “Well, it all starts with the fact that the X-Men would fuck the Avengers up in a fight” I don’t care if I agree with what you’re saying or not, you’re still being an asshole. We’re not talking about politics or comics or warrior princesses or god-damned god, we’re talking about football.

But they don’t see it that way. They think they’re doing a good thing. They think they’re being humble and most of the people who hear it think the same thing. They ignore all the theological implication of a god who answers mid-third quarter prayers from millionaire athletes and ignores the kids with cancer and the people who had money on the other team. Something good happened, so it was Jesus. Thanks Jesus!

But I’m willing to bet they’d recognize the problem damn quick if he’d said, “I just want to thank Allah for being the real god” or even something like “I’d just like to thank Darwinian evolution for the genetic mutations that made me six foot eight, 330 pounds and able to withstand bovine doses of steroids.”

And besides, football has already disproven the existence of god. Just ask Tebow.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is my equally atheistic about ancient Japanese gods co-host, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to blaspheme against Fujin, Shinto god of the wind?

Love these opening segments. I feel like an atheist with Tourette’s. Fuck Fujin, Shinto god of the wind. Fuck him and the Akabeko he rode in on.

Well done. In our lead story tonight the American Civil Liberties Union has filed a lawsuit against the US Conference of Catholic Bishops for the offence of owning hospitals while being a group of callous, misogynistic cock-warts.

Hospitals 101: Doctors should avoid cock-warts, and related calluses.

The lawsuit centers around the medical mistreatment of one Tamesha Means by the Catholic owned “Mercy Health Muskegon Hospital” back in 2010 and the story is almost fucked up enough to be Irish. Means made several trips to the emergency room due to complications in an 18 week pregnancy and, of course, medical procedure and human decency would suggest that the doctors should inform her that unless she terminated the pregnancy she was risking permanent damage, her own survival and, by the way, the baby would almost certainly not survive. But medical procedure and human decency were, in this case, trumped by Catholic doctrine.

Did they at least offer her the option of paying more for a real doctor, with a second opinion about maybe avoiding the double-murder scenario?!?

No and they didn’t have to because until now, no lawsuit has successfully challenged the deplorably insane concept of having men trained in nothing but superstition and bullshit setting medical policy. With 13 percent of American Hospitals already owned by Catholic organizations and more being gobbled up all the time, many have accused the Catholic church of trying to circumvent the laws they don’t like by taking over the medical industry, and in case I’m wrong about that, “Hello! They’re trying to circumvent the laws they don’t like by taking over the medical industry!” There. Now I’m right.

I’d be willing to allow the existence of Catholic hospitals like this, as long as they have a huge surgeon general’s cigarette warning on the building, and also doctors get to rewrite the Bible.

ACLU sues Catholicism for owning hospitals while being heartless pricks: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory/aclu-sues-us-bishops-catholic-hospital-ethics-21074634

And in “Holy Craps Free Roll” news, Sagebrush Community Church of Albuquerque, New Mexico is offering a 90-day risk-free trial on their wishing well service. If you wager 10% of your paycheck as tithing, and God fails to answer your prayers during that quarter, you can request your money back, as long as you’re willing to literally take it from the collection plate held by the poor kid that would otherwise get the money.

God: As trustworthy as the slap-chop and the Turbie-Twist. Somehow that still doesn’t quite do it for me.

Here’s how the guy explained it to me, before trying to sell me a timeshare in Vegas: (quote) “That’s right, if you’re willing to pay up front, we’ll let you pray for free!!! If anything good happens like not dying, that was us, and we keep the money. If you die, that was also us, sending you to heaven, and we keep the money. In all other circumstances, we’ll issue a refund.” (end quote) So it’s basically after-life insurance, that pays off if you go to hell.

And there’s probably eternal lifetime limits, or they’ll say you were damned before you started tithing or something.

Albuquerque church offers refunds if the god you buy is broken: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/30/church-offers-a-90-day-money-back-guarantee-to-tithers-if-god-doesnt-reward-them/

And in “It’s Only Okay If I Fart in the Elevator” news tonight, Christians are incensed about a plaque that is now hanging on the walls of the Illinois Capitol Building courtesy of the Freedom From Religion Foundation. The plaque reads, in its entirety:

At this season of THE WINTER SOLSTICE may reason prevail.

There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell.

There is only our natural world.

Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.

Wow that’s WAY more tame than the atheist plaque we proposed.

Yeah, apparently they wouldn’t allow one made entirely of human fecal matter either. FFRF Co-President Annie Laurie Gaylor explained that prosthelytizing atheism in a courthouse wasn’t exactly their goal. (quote) “We don’t think that religion, or irreligion, belong at the seat of the state government. But if religious displays are going up in state capitols, then our display representing the freethought point of view will be there, too.”

And incredulous religious people aren’t even aware that their anger proves our point … If religion thinks they can fart in the elevator, atheists are gonna take it a step further, and give them a dirty sanchez. For the uninitiated, I’m describing a shit mustache.

Which would not be the rudest behavior I’ve ever seen on a New York elevator. While some atheists have complained that the plaque is too strongly worded, though others have complained that it isn’t made out of fecal matter with the words “Fuck Jesus” printed in 666 point type.

FFRF places atheist plaque in Illinois Capitol building: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/12/01/atheist-sign-goes-up-in-illinois-capitol-building/

And in “Glory Hole-llelujah” news, Kansas City residents are flocking to public phone-prayer booths, complete with a kneeler bar, where they can comfortably and discreetly say prayers, blow God, and get wishes granted.

We’re in for a lot of cocksucking jokes, aren’t we?

Saw that coming?

No, I closed my eyes just in time.

The city originally planned to buy everyone a magic lamp . . . but there was the big genie strike, and it went over-budget. Realizing how ridiculous the lamp thing was, they installed the God Phones as a more realistic alternative.

It’s like the mailbox for Santa letters, only instead of cute, it’s tragic. They even have the little prayer hands on the side of them so you know you’re surrounded by stupid even if nobody’s in the act of immaculate felatio at that moment.

There’s a disclaimer, warning that although not required, (quote) “Religious actions may take place within these prayer booths.” They also mention that (quote) “Improper use will result in a penalty or fine.” So no trickery . . . No praying for more prayers. And secular hope is technically permitted, but highly frowned upon.

Although if you have a note from your Wiccan high priestess, I’m sure you could get away with beating off in one of those things.

One KC resident – and avid Chiefs fan – prayed for a Peyton Manning ankle injury in week 13. Instead, it turned out he was NOT physically injured by her phone call, he put up 403 yards, 5 touchdowns, and led the Broncos to a win. So results may vary … to include complete failure. If she really wanted the Chiefs to win, she probably needed to swallow.

Okay, that’s only five and a half pole-smoking jokes so far. I don’t think we’ve quite drained all the on-your-knees for Jesus, cum-guzzling potential out of this story yet.

No we haven’t. And we strive for every last drop. So according to an ad campaign by the new phone company: “God’s hung like Dr. Manhattan: Big, blue, and everywhere.” And speaking of too much blue tooth, it’s possible the Chiefs fan didn’t read the instructions. That’s right, the blowjob prayer phone . . . has instructions. Instruction Number 1: “No Blue Tooth, and Cradle Ma Bells.” So right there . . . And Instruction Number 2 (no pun intended): “Feel free to put your mouth on both ends of the receiver.”

Kansas town adds “prayer booths” to “call god”: http://topekasnews.com/kansas-town-installs-phone-prayer-booths-residents-can-call-god-whenever-need/

Quota achieved. Well handled. And in Strategic Gay-Bashing news tonight, Cardinal Timothy Dolan’s consolin’ the colon patrolin’ souls in his folds but he scolds them and holds that the souls with their poles in dude’s holes aren’t controlled because his goals were outsold. And if you were lost in the rhythm there, I he said that Catholics were “out-marketed” on the gay marriage issue.

They weren’t OUT-marketed. They were marketed . . . correctly . . . for free. Gays haven’t been left wondering what the Catholics have to say about the cosmic risks of misusing the word “marriage”.

Yeah, I think he’s wrong here, but it’s fair to say that as a whole, they’re getting their vatic-asses handed to them in the marketing department. They’re still reeling from the “institutionally butt raping children for generations” kerfuffle after finally getting over the “Conspiring with the Nazis” faux pas. It’s clear to me that the Catholic Church is, indeed, in need of a new PR department. Hell, when you can’t sell your bigotry in America, you’ve gotta be phoning it in.

Well they could stop raping kids, abetting holocausts, and hating gays. But I suppose a new marketing solution makes the more sense. If only there was something that was worth a thousand homophobic slur words.

And that’s why good bigots need good logos. Swastikas, burning crosses, the word “Fags” with the ghostbusters symbol over it… these have all proven effective in the past. The skinheads need something to tattoo on their faces and Leviticus 18:22 is too long for a prison tat.

Nothing says the N-word, the K-word, the F-word, the D-word, the sword, the T-word, the TR-word, the TH-word, and the Z-word, better than bigoted graphic design.

Cardinal Dolan: Catholics were “Out Marketed” on gay marriage: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/29/catholics-outmarketed-on-gay-marriage-cardinal-dolan-says/

And from the “Young Man-Slaughter” file, after God demonstrated his existence by allowing an infant to sustain traumatic brain injuries during a car crash in St. Petersburg, Russia, the confident theist parents rushed their bleeding baby to an emergency baptism. Unfortunately, the priest – despite being a talented holistic brain surgeon – was unable to revive the child, as the only water available on short notice was normal secular di-hydrogen oxide.

So what, are you saying the homeopathic medicine didn’t work either? And did he even rebuke the demon of brain trauma? Pat Robertson would have rebuked the demon of brain trauma.

After doing some extensive research, Russian authorities confirmed the existence of several medical doctors in the St. Petersburg area, and will prosecute the parents. When asked why they didn’t head straight for a hospital, the infanticidal maniacs explained how they were on the way to get a new brain from a scarecrow, but the Yellow Brick Road was jammed with rush hour traffic.

And in the minds of the parents they did the more important thing. If he might have died either way, at least this way Jew-god-cum-Christian-god wouldn’t burn him in hell forever as he is wont to do with unmoisturized babies. The only silver lining in this story is that the baby didn’t live long enough for the priest to rape him.

That would be a 50 shekel silver lining?

Russian parents jailed after choosing baptism over hospital for post car-crash infant: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/11/29/baby-dies-after-parents-trade-hospital-for-church-after-crash

And in “If it works for Chia-Pet, it work for Jesus” news tonight, a Pennsylvania church is showing off the marketing savvy that Catholicism sorely lacks. In an effort to appeal to their core audience of stupid rednecks that are easily entertained and don’t go in for all that critical thinkin’ shit, they’ve announced an upcoming “Duck Dynasty” themed all-camouflage service.

Not sure how much more redneckitude them can cram into their clown car. This is a Catholic service in northwest Pennsylvania, so I imagine lots of parishioners will continue wearing the same camo tuxedo they had already been wearing every week.

Fictional church representative Jim Bob Leghorn explained (quote) “Well, we figgered what with the folks watchin’ that on the TV and us all havin’ our huntin’ gear and what-not, we might as well go a-huntin’ for some Jesus.”

Sounds like they aren’t aware that camo doesn’t work unless you paint the whole church interior camo too. The atheist swat team snipers are gonna pick them off way too easily.

And if you think about it, it makes sense to have these dress up days at church. You could have “Star Wars Service” or “Dress as yer favert NASCAR Driver Day”… I don’t know, “aborted fetus Wednesdays”? It’s all about filling those pews. And who doesn’t love dress up?

Every NASCAR driver looks the same to me . . . Like Jane Lynch with a mustache. With the track suit … and the mullet.

Pennsylvania church to attract with Duck Dynasty inspired “camo” service: http://www.christianpost.com/news/penn-church-targets-duck-dynasty-fans-hunters-with-camo-sunday-service-109919/

And from the “More embarrassing than Benghazi” file, the United States may have diminished Catholic God from all-powerful to mildly-powerful by relocating it’s Vatican City embassy to atheist Italy. Praying to Jesus was already working not at all, and Catholics everywhere are worried this embassy debacle could make those numbers even worse.

Or, the crazy right wing zealots who fail to recognize that the new embassy is actually gonna be closer to the actual Vatican than the old embassy and instead of maintaining two embassies we’re just consolidating two into one building… it’s not like we actually stopped pretending that this one city is a whole country all by itself because the reincarnation of Jesus lives there.

The other side of the story comes from American Ambassadors to the Holy See, who are relieved to be relieved of their impossibly awkward job. How many ways can you diplomatically ask someone, “Are you guys SURE . . . that you’re not a multi-national pedophilia conglomerate, involved in an elaborate sinister cover-up?!?”

Considering how infrequently we hear about sexual abuse in the church, this is a rare opportunity. Do we have time for some embassy pedophilia slang?

This is the Scathing Atheist! We’ll cut relevant information from another story if we have to. 30 seconds on the clock. Diplomatic child rape euphemisms. GO!!!

Visiting Pope Fran-dusky’s Happy Valley

How have I missed Fran-dusky all this time!? Damn it… wait, um… what’s the one they actually use? “Coming onto the children”… Yeah, that’s too direct. How about Spicing up confession?

Delivering Pee Wee’s Sermon on the Mount

Playing a game of “Kansas Prayer Booth”

Happy Meals in the Rectory

Taking the lord’s name and vein.

Wading Balls Deep in the Shallow End

Oh, I’ve got one… A Catholic Youth Retreat… and then advance… and then retreat.. and then advance…

Bang Cocks with Youth in Asia? Bang Cocks in Asia Minor? … Quaalude Prelude in A Flat Minor

Dipping your body of christ in milk?

Box Seats for Little Orphan Fanny … And I’d like to add that this gay pun’ll come out, tomorrow at 8am?

Bet your bottom dollar… which is my response to you and my last diplomatic child-rape euphemism.

America removes embassy from Vatican city: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/27/vatican-knocks-down-controversy-over-u-s-embassy-move/

But to make the 8 o’clock release happen, we’ll have to close out the headlines there. Heath, thanks as always for your wit and wisdom.

Glory Hole-llelujah!!!

And when we come back, we’ll make more jokes about dicks.

Skit:

It’s time once again to look into the perplexing plethora of pious commemorations from around the world in a segment we call “How the Hell is this a Holiday?”

Tonight, Noah and I will be answering the ten most commonly asked questions about the Jewish festival of diligent lamp oil, Hanukkah.

Question One: What does the word Hanukkah mean?

While it’s often referred to as “The Festival of Lights”, the word actually means “To Dedicate”… sort of. But who the fuck really knows when it comes to Jew words? After reading the first few “historical” books of their bible I’m even doubting what they say about etymology.

Question Two: What does Hanukkah commemorate?

It commemorates the re-dedication of the Holy Temple after the Maccabean revolt in the 2nd century BCE, when a flask that only had enough oil for one day miraculously kept burning for eight days, which was just long enough to make more magical Jew oil.

Question Three: Seriously? That’s it?

That’s Hanukkah in a nutshell.

Question Four: How do Jews celebrate Hanukkah?

They light eight lights and other than that they just pretty much make it up as they go along. They’ll do some family shit, pray a little. You know… have a Hanukkah dinner, buy a gift maybe. Whatever. For eight days.

Question Five: Seriously? That’s it?

Look, you’re lucky they aren’t living in huts and waving palm fronds around. We’re celebrating the longevity of kosher lard. What the hell do you want?

Question Six: Well if the holiday is that lame, why does everybody make such a big deal about it?

It was forced into prominence because of Hanukkah’s proximity to Christmas. Jewish parents couldn’t otherwise buy expensive sneakers for their middle school kids during the month of December. And that would make them falsely appear less athletic.

Question Seven: But… it happened at Thanksgiving. How the hell is that close to Christmas?

Yeah the Jew calendar and the Gregorian calendar don’t line up so Hanukkah can fall anywhere from late November to late December, which spans the latter third of what advertisers call “The Christmas Season”. Interestingly enough, Thanksgiving and Hanukkah are done coinciding altogether for another 70,000 years plus.

Using the word “interestingly” a little loosely…

Question Eight: So what’s the deal with the dreidel?

You have to spin the dreidel when Hanukkah starts. If it falls, it means you’re in the real world, but if it keeps spinning it means you’re dreaming about less shitty holidays.

Question Nine: I know this is a big off topic, but why don’t Jews tip?

Great non-Hanukkah question. It turns out that half of them offered a tip once at 8 days old and that didn’t work out so well for them, so they’re hesitant to try again.

Question Ten: How did the Jews manage to make Hanukkah music worse than Christmas music?

Generally, the Jews are a very musical people, but they did that to spite Christian parents at public-school holiday concerts.

So hopefully that clears up any questions you have about Hanukkah, but if not, feel free to send them to us by email or leave a question on the Facebook page because originally we planned on doing a feedback segment this week but we didn’t have enough emails so we had to do this bit instead.

Outro:

Before we cash in our chips tonight I wanted to congratulate Mark Nebo from BeSecular (dot) org, Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast and our very own Heath Enwright, all of whom, barring something nearly as unlikely as Jonah surviving for an extended period inside a fish; will be joining me in the postseason of the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists. I’d also like to thank all the other participants who tragically fell short of this chance at supremacy, who I won’t name out of respect. Except Carl from the Post Rapture Looting Podcast, who I will name out of disrespect because, damn does his team suck balls.

I also wanted apologize to our audience for a tragic oversight in last week’s program. Astute listener Jon Ownbey points out that when Heath and I were positing Christian euphemisms for masturbation, we missed the low hanging fruit of “Casting Out the Semens”, and also the ripe potential for low-hanging fruit jokes. Sorry about that, won’t happen again. Oh, and sorry if I’m mispronouncing your name, Jon.

Of course I need to thank Heath for finding something productive to do with his frighteningly twisted sense of humor, I need to thank Lucinda for opening the show up and for other things she’d rather I not spell out in detail and I need to thank Daniel from Atlanta for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. Daniel didn’t have anything in particular to plug, but since he’s a truck driver, I’ll just say on his behalf that if there’s a truck behind you that wants to go faster, just get the fuck out of the way. He or she has shit to do and a family to get home to. Not something he expressed directly, but I’m willing to bet he’s yelled it into an empty cab once or twice.

But of course, above all things, I need to thank this week’s most enviable envoys of enlightenment; Dee, Magnus, Alan, Daniel, Willie, Søren and Torrey. Dee, whose philanthropy has inspired a petition to promote her titular letter 3 spaces up in the alphabet; Magnus, who’s so virile and well-endowed that they named a condom after him; Alan, whose angelic physique is consistently ranked as the number one reason for surreptitious time travel to the twenty-first century; Daniel, whose greatness can only be described through pharthindelical neology; Willie, whose variegated talents will all coalesce in act three, proving that he was the chosen hero all along; Søren, whose name I’m pretty sure I’m pronouncing correctly despite the fact that it has an alchemical symbol in the middle of it and who also slays ice-giants by the phalanx; and Torrey, who wishes to forego any adulation for his enormous intellect and member and would rather I throw a shout out to his little brother in Australia whose name he probably intended to include in the email, and who I would totally still give a shout out to by name in a future podcast upon receiving said moniker.

These seven magnificent magnates have magnified the magnitude of their magnanimity this week by giving us money. It takes bold and decisive clicking and typing of account information to give us money, but if you think you share Dee, Magnus, Alan, Daniel, Willie, Søren and Torrey’s finger dexterity and commitment to obscene podcasting, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d love to give us money, but not enough to actually do it, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a stellar review on iTunes, liking our Facebook page, following us on Twitter, checking us out on YouTube, sharing the show with a friend, listening to us on Stitcher, purchasing a beautiful Scathing Atheist t-shirt on our Cafe Press site or just being there for us in our hour of need.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: ACLU sues Bishops, Annie Laurie Gaylor, antitheism, antitheist podcast, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Christianity, FFRF, jesus, Kansas City Prayer Booths, Mercy Health Muskegon, religion, Sagebrush Community Church, Tamesha Means

Episode 41: Partial Transcript

November 28, 2013 Noah Lugeons 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Link to Episode

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, but if you can handle the blasphemy and the profanity, you’re in for a Jesus-raping good time.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Catholicism in a can, Vaticampbell’s Soup; the perfect post traumatic meal for altar boys. High in vitamins, protein and spermicides, it’s the perfect treat for being good and not telling mommy what happened.

Vaticampbell’s Soup: Get some from your priest in the can.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’sThanksgiving,

And 392 years ago, not today, the Christians tricked the Native Americans with a big meal right before the genocide.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright

And from helium depleting New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode,

A Methodist reverend is flagged for allowing head to head contact on a defenseless tight end receiver.
We’ll explore the nuances of Texas dildo regulations,
And Israel levies a foreskin tax of 51,100 dollars a year.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Ah, Thanksgiving, the Americanist of all holidays. It’s gluttonous, wasteful, self-indulgent and better than the Canadian version. We celebrate by taking in an inexcusable number of calories and then watching other people burning calories off on television… violently. We throw away more food per capita than some populations eat on the average day, we gloss over our genocidal national origin with a bunch of feel-good pseudo-history and we mark the start of a four week blitzkrieg of rampant consumerism and that’s all pretty damned American; but the most American thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s secular.

There’s no awkward bullshit religious ceremonies your in-laws are trying to talk you into attending. There’s no break in the middle of the Cowboy’s game where Linus takes center stage and tells us about the birth of Mithra. There’s no team of evangelicals plaguing the media for weeks beforehand telling us that Jesus is the justification for the mastication. We just get together and eat innocent turkeys. And innocent gravy. We come together with our friends and family regardless of which invisible superhero clears out parking spaces for them. And but for a perfunctory saying of grace and grandma rathering you not refer to them as “deviled” eggs, religion doesn’t enter into it at all. And damn it, I don’t care what they say on Fox News, that’s as American as it gets.

Most of the secular holidays we celebrate in this country are tainted by a bunch of rah-rah patriotism and I’m not usually one for the “Don’t tread on me; screw the immigrants and the indigenous, America ‘fuck yeah’” flag waver, but when this country was founded it was almost certainly the most secular nation in the history of humanity and that’s a lineage I’m proud to claim.

Of course there are plenty of evangelicals out there desperately trying to literally rewrite the history books to whitewash the secularism out of our national character, but considering how plainly codified it is in the Constitution, they’ll have to rewrite a hell of a lot more than Texas textbook guidelines to get rid of it. And make no mistake, there’s a huge contingent of politically motivated Christians hell-bent on doing exactly that.

And why wouldn’t they be? Religion would be doing way better if it was legally mandated. Hell, when you consider the categorical superiority of the secular alternative to everything religion does or ever did, it’s fair to say that a legal mandate is the only hope religion has to survive. When I hear the Michele Bachmann crowd screaming “Jesus for Emperor in 2016” I don’t write it off as crazy. I look at it as their last chance.

I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never met an atheist who thinks religion should be outlawed. I’m sure there are a few of them bumbling around somewhere, but every atheist I’ve ever met and every respected voice in the atheist movement is just calling for a fair marketplace of ideas. We’re just asking that religion be evaluated by the same means as everything else and be given no special privilege on the simple merit of being a religion. It’s the kind of thing you can afford to espouse when you’re on the side with all the evidence.

In the time I’ve been doing this podcast a lot of people have asked me, “what’s the point?” Now, in the past I’ve largely dismissed this question. Life is like a JJ Abrams script; there’s doesn’t have to be a point and things don’t have to add up. It’s enough that we’re having fun recording it and other people are having fun listening to it.

But whenever I see the specter of theocracy creeping into the national conversation, I rethink that. I was on a panel the other day with CJ Werleman discussing his new book, “Crucifying America” where he makes the argument that unless atheists can match the political enthusiasm of the Christian right, the forces of theocracy are going to continue chipping away at our secular government and they won’t stop until we can out-zealot Iran.

So this year, when I’m gorging on seared bird flesh and watching the Lions discover a new and creative way to blow a fourth quarter lead, I’ll be thankful that I live in a secular nation. And when the “itis” wears off, I’ll get back to work doing my part to keep it that way.

Because America, fuck yeah.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is religious marketing expert Heath Enwright. Heath, any advertising advice for Christianity?

Might be time for a new logo. Yeah I feel like the torture diorama could be a little more relatable … Maybe a different murder victim, on a different shape. Instead of Jesus on a cross, what about chalk-outline-guy on a circle?

Or at the very least they could give the Buddy-Christ a day in court.

Speaking of days in court . . . In our lead story tonight, a federal judge in Wisconsin found it ridiculous that she was needed to decide that people with income, have to pay income tax, even if they’re employed by a fictional character. US District Judge Barbara Crabb struck down a 1954 law that allowed ministers a tax-exemption designed to compensate for their unique financial burden called “housing costs”.

You know, it’s tempting to celebrate here, but the real victims here are the children. Because, as I understand it, most priests can barely afford to lubricate their victims now.

Indeed, tear-free ass lube for kids is another unique financial burden for clergy. So the lawsuit was filed by the Freedom From Religion Foundation against the Treasury Department and the IRS, for letting clergy steal an estimated 700 million dollars a year from public coffers, on this exemption alone. And just to spite the Tea Party, Obama plans to divide these extra funds among communist lesbian single mothers to pay for their 20 imaginary children, and buy crack.

Oh c’mon, that’s ridiculous. When you consider the Obama-mandated 93% abortion rate, that lesbian communist single mom would have to get pregnant 286 times to have that many kids.

And the crack’s gonna lead to a few miscarriages, so that number’s even higher. And as much as it pains me to do this, let’s segue away from crack babies, over to a statement from Russell Moore, president of Baptists for Tax Evasion, who argued: (quote) [sic] “The clergy housing allowance isn’t a government establishment of religion, but just the reverse. The allowance is neutral to all religions.” [end sic] (end quote) . . . Well as long as the Jews and A-Rabs are allowed to steal too . . . So the opposite of Christians stealing billions of dollars . . . is Christians, Jews, and Muslims stealing billions of dollars?!?

Wisconsin judge strikes down parsonage exemption: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/23/federal-judge-in-wisconsin-strikes-law-that-gives-clergy-tax-free-housing/ and http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/24/a-federal-judges-significant-decision-clergy-tax-free-housing-is-not-constitutional/

And in the disturbingly thin “Too Stupid for Texas” file tonight, the Texas Board of Education has rejected the most recent attempt to force intelligent design theory into school textbooks despite the pro-creationism side’s outdated and off-topic endorsement from Jesus.

And just to review the level of competition in this category, “too stupid for Texas”, means dumber than Ted Cruz, Vanilla Ice, George Dubya, and a law that makes it a felony to own six or more dildos.

Is that actually true?

Yep. Pocket pussies would be illegal, too.

So there’s a legal limit on dildos, no limit on live ammunition… brilliant.

Right, plus multi-headed dildos get you right around the rule.

Speaking of multi-headed dildos, the fate of this textbook could still go either way. Nonetheless, religious zealots have all but conceded defeat upon learning that the biology textbook would be reviewed for errors by a panel of biologists. Because the old “there’s no meth in the trunk” line only works if nobody looks in the trunk.

While they’ve got that panel of scientists together, maybe they could skim over those testament books. Thought I remember a typo in Genesis 1, so that’s a good place to start

Facing the unprecedented humiliation of appearing not once or twice but thrice on last week’s headlines segment, the state of Texas seems intent on earning a positive mention on the show for a change. But of course, this only counts as a positive mention because the Texas school board not doing the stupid, unconstitutional, evangelical thing has become newsworthy, so don’t go yee-hawin’ just yet.

Science wins, stupidity loses in Texas Board of Education throwdown: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/texas-board-of-education-holds-up-biology-book-over-evolution-debate/

And from the “British Muslims with sand in their knickers” file, complaints of Islamaphobic persecution have forced universities in the UK to approve gender segregation for debate audiences. Apparently ultra-orthodox religious leaders can’t handle public speaking, unless the penises and vaginas are lined up separately when they picture the audience naked.

So random genital distribution is the kryptonite of ultra-orthodox religious leaders? Good to know.

It’s about time the UK took a page from the sharia rule book, and finally found a way to rein in their problem with university debate audiences devolving into drunken orgies of sex and violence. Deadly riots led by rabid debate hooligans were really getting out of hand . . . And at the root of the issue, were all the women mixed into the crowd.

It’s England. That probably really happens. I bet somebody’s been crushed to death against a fence at an Intelligence Squared debate by now.

According to a report by vice-chancellors’ group ‘Universities UK’, as long as the seating chart meets the equality standards of an Alabama public school from 1950, it’s fair: (quote) “Both men and women are being treated equally, as they are both being segregated in the same way.” I’ll repeat that . . . They are both being segregated . . . in the same way . . . by gender. Apartheid was fine too, because blacks and whites were both being segregated by race.

Okay, this is all making perfect sense, of course, but where do the transexuals sit?

Great question. That … was addressed in the FAQs. Hermaphrodites will be allowed entry, but not double entry like normal. Also, they will have to remove their penis or plug an orifice … which seems unfair because nobody else gets to choose their section. And of course, as usual, eunuchs can’t come.

UK Universities allowed to segregate genders during debates: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/universityeducation/10468115/Universities-can-segregate-men-and-women-for-debates.html

And in hysterical numerical chimerical clerical news tonight, Methodist Reverend Frank Schaefer was suspended for 30 days for the crime of officiating at his son’s wedding, made heinous by the fact that his son was marrying a dude.

Methodist couples everywhere are already feeling a little gayer, and are up in arms about the so-called “Fairy God Father”.

Schaefer was tried before a jury of clergy and found guilty of not sufficiently hating queers, for which he received a suspension that many feel is tantamount to a defrocking. But considering the kind of macabre historical horrors the term “jury of clergy” conjures in my mind, it could be a hell of a lot worse, I suppose.

Yeah this is really just a slap on the limp wrist. Worst case scenario, the Methodists build a bridge out of him.

During his trial, Schaefer continuously emphasized that he felt god calling him to minister openly for gay equality, but the jury dismissed this because apparently even clergy are skeptical of the whole “god” thing.

Pastor suspended 30 days for officiating at his son’s gay wedding: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/lively-testimony-in-penalty-phase-of-trial-for-pastor-who-officiated-at-gay-sons-wedding/2013/11/19/f5402942-5146-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1_story.html

And in “Riyadh Reach Around” news . . . Just when you thought Saudi Arabia was getting too sexually promiscuous, the federal team of middle school dance chaperones known as The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, has stepped in to cure the torso-contact epidemic that’s been plaguing the country. When concerned citizens reported a local man giving away illegal exotic things called hoogs, or hugs, the buzz kill squad launched a massive investigation.

All part of the “Thugs not Hugs” campaign. Considering the sentencing guidelines in Saudi Arabia this dude is lucky if they don’t amputate his torso.

In a true Rama-Donnie Brasco story (Callback – TSSSSST!!!), an extremely brave undercover agent was able to catch the perp on tape: “So we’re really doing this, Abdulrahman al-KhayyalI who lives at 127 Muslim Boulevard in Riyadh? I give you zero dollars, and you give me an illegal exotic bodily embrace? Ok he’s doing it! Abra-Cadab- no Allah-Kazaam!!! Red team go!!! Red team go!!!”

What a massive waste of public resources. Sure, they’ll nail all the huggers, but while they’re focused on that you have blasphemers and rape-victims roaming free in the streets.

Couple of fun facts about the the Sharia Sheriffs – aka the SS. First of all, they resent being compared to the Nazi secret police, although they do respect the anti-Jew sentiment underlying the tenets of German national socialism.

At least it’s an ethos…

Second fun fact: These are the same guys who famously promoted virtue in 2002, by murdering 15 schoolgirls in a fire. They righteously prevented them from leaving a burning building without anti-rape outerwear, which are required in public places like the outside of a burning building. Crisis averted.

Saudi Man arrested for giving out free hugs: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/saudi-arabia-man-arrested-for-giving-out-free-hugs-8953720.html

And in baby dick litigation news, a rabbinical court has ordered an Israeli mother to pay a fine of one hundred and forty dollars a day until she surgically alters her infant’s penis like a good Jewish mother.

And in penis headline form: Plagued by foreskin envy, “Members of the Tribe” are calling for “just the tip of the Weisberg”. Nobody raises penis veal in Israel without the Jewish Mafia getting a piece of the action.

Fearing that allowing her to not adulterate her son’s naughty bits could set a dangerous precedent that would add fuel to the growing international controversy over the unsanitary perversity of grown men licking bloody baby cock, the court posed the following question in its ruling, “How will the world react if even [in Israel] the issue of circumcision is given to the discretion of any person, according to their own beliefs?”

Yeah Israel would be a laughing stock. What kind of theocracy can’t even enforce mandatory genital mutilation?!? That’s just embarrassing. Plus lots of guys would never get their dick sucked if it weren’t for the mohel. And how else can you inoculate the infant population with herpes to prevent herpes?!?

The court went on to label commonsense objections to circumcision in general and the part where some herpetic newborn-groupie goes all Miley Cyrus on 8 day old testicles in particular as anti-semitism that must be combatted. So for those of you keeping score at home, objecting to sucking an infant’s dick is anti-semitic; objecting to sucking an adolescent’s dick is anti-Catholic.

Israeli rabbinical court orders mother to circumcise her son: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/26/jewish-court-tries-to-force-mother-to-circumcise-her-young-son-on-penalty-of-daily-fines/

And in “Jizzm Schism” news, conservative Christian groups are planning a ‘Day of Prayer’ on December 10th, to rid the world of pornography, and the resulting murder of babies during the controversial “negative first” trimester. Their missionary position on the issue blames smut and hand abortions for brand new societal woes like rape and thunderstorms.

I just want to know how much I have to chafe my chicken before I can summon a shark-nado.

Try harder . . . Not wanting to get “cock sock blocked” and/or “beaver damned”, personal orgasm rights advocates will stage a “passive day of nothing” that will coincide and compete with the Christian protest. There’s no plan, so everyone will probably just stay home and jerk off like usual. When porn continues to exist the next day, we’ll have proof that masturbation is at least as effective as prayer. I think it might be–

I’m way ahead of you. 30 seconds already on the clock … Christian Euphemisms for Masturbation … GO!!!

Spreading a handful of Holy Seed

Snake-handling.

Dressing your salad with popercorn ranch

Straightening the crozier

Knowing Thyself Biblically

Shit, “beating the bishop” is already a euphemism isn’t it? For being forced to whack off your bishop?

Dishonorable Discharge from the Salvation Army

Nailing your palm?

Thumping Below the Bible Belt

Christian group plans “Day of Prayer” against porn: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/conservative-groups-plan-prayer-vigil-against-pornography/

I guess it’s true what they say; masturbation jokes are more fun with a partner. So that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always.

I’m sticking with “Messiah-nara, bitches!”

And when we come back Lucinda will join us to beg you for money.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes we normally set aside to highlight all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world. But because of a combination of there not being much going on in December and me not wanting to highlight all the 2014 shit until next month, there won’t be any highlighting of conferences and events this month.

But because we still had two minutes to fill and I wanted to write a new music bed for this bit, I’ve decided to go a different direction. Like most atheists that grew up in a predominantly Christian culture, I find myself celebrating all the traditional Christian holidays and this December I’m hoping to break that habit by trying on some new December holidays. If you’d care to join me, here are a few non-Jesusy reasons to celebrate this holiday season:

12/1 World Aids day – for those who wish to celebrate AIDS. Not sure that this one is for me, but it sounds like a holiday Heath could really get behind.

12/7, a date that will live in infamy, is International Civil Aviation day, which we celebrate by flying airplanes that almost never bomb Pearl Harbor.

12/10 Human Rights Day – Not sure what that’s all about, but I figured the humanists would love it because it has their name right in the title.

12/11 National Noodle Day – I only mention it because there aren’t enough Pastafarian holidays.

12/21 Winter Solstice – A pagan holiday celebrated by doing all the Christmas stuff without the Jesus dolls. And if you’re with pagans there will also probably be some naked bonfire related activity.

12/25 Newtonmas – If you’re looking for a person born on this day over whom you can exchange gifts, decorate a tree and bake a ham, fuck Jesus. How about Sir Issac Newton? Seriously. Golden rule, laws of motion; getting crucified like a pussy, developing calculus; saving a whore, building the world’s first operational reflecting telescope. Jesus has nothing on that motherfucker.

Anyway, that wraps the calendar segment for this month, but we’ll do it again next month, only we’ll talk about atheist events and shit like we normally do.

Thanks:

In keeping with the Thanksgiving tradition, we thought we at the Scathing Atheist would take a minute to reflect on what we’re thankful for this year. Things like family,

Friends…

The thematic smut suggestion website called Pandora’s Box…

Indecisive juries and the improper handling of DNA evidence…

Multiple orgasms…

Late-term abortions…That was a close one…

Sylvia Brown not being alive…

Rechargeable batteries…

Subtle references to dildos…

But above all things, we’re thankful for our listeners. We’re thankful that people are willing to invest thirty minutes a week of their life listening to us make jokes about anally raping Jesus.

And we’re thankful for all the encouraging emails, facebook messages and iTunes reviews that people have taken the time to send.

And we’re thankful that the FCC hasn’t cock-blocked podcasting yet…

And we’re thankful that we’re able to find the cummulative 50 hours a week it takes to write, record and edit this show.

And we’re thankful that you have a spouse who’s so understanding and supportive

And makes awesome Thanksgiving desserts.

And of course, we’re thankful for all the people who support the show financially and keep our little operation afloat.

Because telling god to go fuck himself is more expensive than you think.

But luckily, for just one easy payment of however much you care to give us, you can help us bring you the very best dick puns and ass plays on words, in the business.

So a genuine thanks to everybody who gives us thirty minutes of their life.

And if you’d like to say “you’re welcome”, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Song:

In chapter one God makes the universe and it takes seven days.

In chapter two he makes it again… in a contradictory way.

By chapter three he’s made Adam, here he makes Eve,

Then he kicks them out of Eden cause they’re covered in leaves?

In four God’s a dick to Cain, but not Abel,

So Cain strikes down his brother like the tower of Babel.

In chapter six we meet Noah; God says “Get ready for bruises,

You’re going on the worst boat ride there’ll be until Carnival Cruises.”

He gathers all the animals and builds a big boat,

And I guess no one else had anything on which they could float

Noah praises God for all the people he whacked,

But glancing at his cock’s an unforgivable act.

Then we spend an entire fucking chapter or two,

Learning ad nauseum who begat who.

By chapter twelve we meet Abraham and he uproots his life,

Takes his shit to Egypt and starts pimping his wife.

He fucks a slave, she has a kid and they exile that one,

But then at ninety-nine Sarah bares him a legitimate son.

In seventeen Abraham makes a crazy decision,

Regarding all his sons and slaves and adult circumcision.

In Twenty-Two he gets all screwy, and takes Isaac, his tyke,

Up a mountain and almost sacrifices him before the angels say, “Psyche!”

Abraham tells God there’s at least ten in Sodom with class,

So he sends a couple angels that they try to fuck in the ass.

And when you try to ass-rape angels, what comes is your fault,

Whether your town’s burned down by brimstone or you’re turned into salt.

Later Isaac meets Rebekah, they have Jake and Esau,

The big brother’s got the muscle but the brains of a cow.

Jacob tricks him from his birthright for a warm bowl of soup,

And his old near-sighted daddy’s just as easy to dupe.

Jacob takes two wives, fucks both of them and their maids.

I swear a chapter’s dedicated to Jake getting laid.

He has a dozen sons in all but he liked Joseph the best,

So his bro’s conspire against him and they steal his vest.

They sell him as a slave and tell daddy he’s dead.

He winds up a slave of Pharaoh for not performing in bed.

Here he goes all psychic, starts interpreting dreams.

It takes a couple years but at last he’s redeemed.

He stores up food for famine and he gets filthy rich;

His bros come needing munchies and he makes ‘em his bitch.

Then Joey shows back up, much to daddy’s surprise.

Jacob, now called Israel, eventually dies…

Chapter fifty’s so uplifting, all the tribes makes a truce;

And by now god’s promised the entire known world to the Jews.

Jews____ Back then, though, they were called the He-

Brews____ Those lucky fucks were the one god would

Choose____ Which is why nothing bad ever happens to

Jews.

Outro:

Before we wrap up the leftovers tonight I wanted to let everyone know that Heath and I were invited to take part in a panel on the InKredulous Podcast next month. Not sure exactly when that’ll be available but as soon as it is I’ll let you know via Twitter, Facebook and the blog, all of which, of course, you follow and or subscribe to and or like.

And with cyber Monday rapidly approaching, I wanted to also remind everyone to check out our CafePress site for all your godless holiday shopping needs. You’ll find a link to it on our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, but you’re clever enough to Google it even without the link.

And at the risk of beating this whole “giving of thanks” thing to death, I need to thank Heath for being a clever, funny, godless bastard; I need to thank Lucinda for taking a break from cooking vast quantities of food to help us out tonight; I also need to thank Lucinda for cooking vast quantities of food and, as you may have noticed, we’re still always looking for more Farnsworth quotes, so if you have a blog or a podcast to promote or you just want to hear your voice at the beginning of the show, email me a clip; you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most vivacious vertebrates; Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul. Meredith, who’s such an incomparable badass they had to put the word “death” in her first name; April, whose face I’m totally carving into Mount Rushmore first chance I get; Rob, who, no offense to Peter Capaldi, would have made a way better 12th doctor; Bart, slayer of six fingered giants; Richard, whose ceaseless generosity has damn near earned his own theme song; Jeffrey, whose melodious voice is sweet enough to cause adult-onset diabetes; Benjamin, whose intergalactic reputation with a katana keeps the alien invasion forces at bay; Ross, whose ejactulate is legal tender in many island nations; Chris, whose gravitas causes quarks to chill the fuck out and act normal in his presence and Paul, who, through sheer tenacity, has earned the right to divide by zero.

These ten valorous paragons of profundity have earned eternally archived praise and first dibs on the left over green bean casserole and stuffing this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the civility, agility, virility and mental ability required to give us money, but if you think you share Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul’s laudable percipience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you want to earn our perennial appreciation for free, you could always leave us a five star review on iTunes. And if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher, download the free and very awesome app and check us out there as well. Really helps our ranking and helps more people find the show.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: atheism, atheism podcast, atheist, atheist podcast, Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons, Noah Lugeons

Episode 40: Partial Transcript

November 21, 2013 Noah Lugeons 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some portions that were edited from the finished episode due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language. But we’re talking about the Bible in it so what the fuck do you expect?

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Chlorthodox Bleach; proven to whiten fabrics better than a renaissance painter whitens a Middle Eastern Messiah.

Chlorthodox Bleach: Like Christianity, it’s relatively safe for coloreds, but it’s really made for whites.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 21st,

And non-sequiturs are all about inflection.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from America’s clitoris New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

We’ll point out that Christians are really just praying to Jew God in beta testing.
George W. Bush will prove that he’s still got it,
And Lucinda will join us to learn that 2 Samuel was fun, like a clumsy colonoscopy from a polydactyl giant.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Everywhere I go, I’m haunted by the goliath incisors and immaculate hairpiece of Joel O’Steen. Everytime I check our rank on iTunes (which I probably do more often than is psychologically healthy), I see the preposterous oral contortion he calls a smile. He’s always sitting there at the number one spot, beaming about his supremacy.

He does the same damn thing on the Stitcher ranks.

And now he’s doing the same damn thing on my morning commute. He’s got a new book out and every third subway train I step into has an ad for it. It’s yet another in his twelve thousand part series about telling you whatever the fuck you want to hear if you’re willing to pay him to say it.

The tagline on the ad is brilliantly paradoxical and encapsulates O’Steen’s brand of bullshit perfectly. Below his dentally arduous visage it reads, “God doesn’t want you to live an average life.”

Now think about that for a second. This is an ad. It’s not written to anybody in particular; it’s being told to the average person. So if O’Steen’s right and god doesn’t want you to live an average life, he probably shouldn’t have set up the law of averages to mathematically guarantee that you do.

But that’s the beauty of the whole prosperity gospel bullshit. God wants you to be rich. That’s why Jesus was all about investment advice and streamlining supply chains and stuff. God wants you to be rich so he put you in a country where the income disparity makes some food chains seem equitable. God wants you to be rich so he built you with a brain stupid enough to plop down fifteen bucks on the hardcover version of Joel O’Steen cramming the word Jesus into a generic self help seminar.

And there, in a nutshell, is my biggest problem with religion. Here’s this used dental-floss salesman spouting on about Deepak level bullshit but as long as he sprinkles it with somes gods, a few Jesuses and an accent that screams for banjo accompaniment, it’s Christian and Christians will lap it up. Not like Jesus is ever gonna show up and contradict him or anything.

It doesn’t matter that the core of O’Steen’s message is precisely antipodal to the core tenet of Christianity. It doesn’t matter that he can’t even assemble a one sentence blurb about his book without working in an accidental oxymoron. It doesn’t matter that his message makes the Secret look substantive. You like being rich don’t you? You like Jesus don’t you? Well then buy this book!

According to the ad copy, O’Steen’s new book will help you (quote) “improve relationships, increase productivity, accomplish your dreams and believe bigger.” Yes, believe bigger. That’s so stupid there should be a GNC supplement for it. Believe bigger!? Gee, that’s a hell of a deal, Joel, but do you have something that could help me run in tune? Maybe a section on how to jump darkly? Or masturbate opaquely?

But it doesn’t matter if what he’s saying doesn’t make sense. He’s selling to Christians. They’ve had their innate ability to recognize contradiction and bullshit beat out them for decades, all you have to do is use a trigger word like Jesus and they’re hardwired to shut down the critical parts of their brain. Believe bigger? Sure, that makes sense from a spatial and/or metaphorical perspective. Why not? He said Jesus nine times in four sentences and makes the word Lord multisyllabic so clearly he knows what he’s talking about.

God wants you to be rich. Sure, he could have given you wealthy parents or the PowerBall numbers, but why bother with that when he could just stick all the secrets to happiness, fulfillment and large beliefs in 22-point type, a 5th grade reading level and five easy steps.

So don’t forget to pick up your copy today, because god wants everyone to be above average.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is semi-professional devil’s advocate, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to publicly champion the Angel of Darkness?

Why not? Some of my best friends are dark.

In our lead story tonight, it would seem that the Vatican has refused a deal that they couldn’t refuse. Italian organized crime experts warn that Pope Frank Corleone’s attempts to reform the notoriously corrupt Vatican bank might have put him at risk of waking up with an alpaca’s head under his blanket.

I’m not too surprised. Dudes get whacked and rubbed out in the Vatican all the time.

Reverend Federico Lombardi, a spokesman for the Vatican, downplayed the reported threats saying (quote) “The Holy See is not at all worried, and at this point we’re kind of hoping somebody offs that fucker so we don’t have to keep retracting his ad-libs.”

Who would have ever guessed that an extremely opaque, corrupt bank full of Nazi plunder money – in a bullshit pseudo-nation built into Rome – would be laundering money for the mob?!?

Italian prosecutor and mafia expert Nicola Gratteri admits that he doesn’t have specific information about a plot against Pope Franks for Playing, but added (quote), “The last two popes didn’t ride around in a bulletproof condom for aesthetics.”

Pope refuses a deal he can’t refuse: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/14/prosecutor-pope-faces-mafia-threat/

And in “beheadline” news, the militant rebel group in Syria known as the Islamic State of Iraq and All Sham – aka ISIS – put out a heartfelt apology after accidentally decapitating fellow extremist Mohammed Fares, who – according to local custom – should have been guillotined by a rival group. Diplomats are imploring Syrian rebel groups to put their heads together … in a big pile … and come up with a peaceful solution.

Yeah, these guys are giving machete wielding Muslim terrorists a bad name, here. There’s a civilized way to decapitate your enemies, guys, and this isn’t it.

When asked about the “face-ectomy faux pas”, ISIS may or may not have released the following statement: “Look, we got served by the People’s Front of Judea on YouTube, and we were scrambling to get a jihad response video in the can. Had we known he was such an accomplished murderer of slightly different Muslims, this never would have happened.”

Yeah, but I like this story because it bucks the stereotype. Just when you thought that all Muslims do is kill people with different religious beliefs than them, they go and kill somebody with the exact same religious beliefs as them. That isn’t a woman. It’s empowering.

I like this story too . . . It makes me feel like less of a bigot during my vigilante subway security sweeps. Apparently Muslim extremists all look the same . . . even to other Muslim extremists. Somehow, the all-face beard and AK-47 are always the first thing to catch the eye.

Islamic extremists cut off the wrong dude’s head, apologize: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/10449815/Al-Qaeda-linked-rebels-apologise-after-cutting-off-head-of-wrong-person.html

And in “Habitat for Jew-manity” news tonight, ex-president, Alfred E. Neuman clone and miserable fucking idiot George W. Bush is under fire for speaking at a controversial “Jews for Jesus” fundraiser that seeks money to bring about the apocalypse by talking Jews out of the whole Judaism thing.

Why weren’t we invited to that? Our grossly offensive – yet strangely appealing – brand of humor begrudlingly devangelizes thousands of Jews every week. If there’s a second coming, it’s pretty much all us.

A spokesperson for the national embarrassment defended Bush’s appearance by arguing that (quote) “of all the fucked up shit this dude has done and all the stupid decisions, you’re gonna get your panties in a twist because he finally came clean about hating Jews? Fuck off.”

Despite his well-documented neural deficiencies, I’m like 90 percent sure he did make the following statement at the event: (quote) “You guys know Jesus’s old saying, right? … Crucify me once, shame on me. Crucify me twice … No I’ll come back and- … Well you’re not gonna crucify me again.”

Controversy over George W. speaking at “Jews for Jesus” conference: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/andrewbrown/2013/nov/14/george-w-bush-speech-messianic-judaism

And from the “Persecution by Bookstore Taxonomy” file, Christians are outraged, after being forced to push their pallet truck all the way to the fiction section of Costco, just to buy 10,000 bibles. California pastor Caleb Kaltenbach – whose name sadly lacks any overt genital references – recently discovered that a local Costco put a “fiction” label on the fantastical allegory book that defines his life.

Alright, so if those assholes at Barnes and Noble ever piss me off again I’m just gonna go in there and make up new religions just so they’ll have to rearrange the shelves. “Excuse me, miss, why the hell is the gospel of Katniss in the ‘fiction’ section, here?”

After numerous complaints from adult people who don’t know what “fiction” means, Costco has diplomatically agreed to open a “Factually-impaired Non-fiction” section, or “Lie-ography” section, to hold religious propaganda books.

Yeah, but in Costco’s defense, I didn’t know religious people could read either until I saw this article…

And, strangely enough, nobody said a word about the “fiction” label on Aesop’s Fables, the Koran, or even the Jewish prequel to the Jesus book. By Kaltenbach’s logic, every single book store with a fiction and non-fiction section, regardless of how they place each religious text, is taking part in religious persecution . . . Because it would be physically impossible not to!!!

FoxNews’ panties wrinkled over Bible being labeled as “Fiction” at Costco: http://nation.foxnews.com/2013/11/18/starnes-exclusive-costco-labels-bible-fiction

And in “the supplest of supplication” news tonight, Illinois bishop and person who shouldn’t be mixed with carbonated beverages Thomas Paprocki plans to hold an exorcism in (quote) “reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage”.

Probably a smart move. This should shut down all the earthquakes and typhoons. Your welcome, Phillipines. Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a joke here about gay ghost demons and crossing the streams.

While you’re working that out, I’ll get back to the story. Paprocki justified his belief that gay marriage is inspired by Lucifer by pointing out that back when Pope Fran Tarkenton was still just Cardinal Jorge Burger-Google, he said as much. When Argentina legalized gay marriage the then archbishop called it (quote) “A move of the father of lies who wishes to confuse and deceive the children of God” (end quote) which is clearly either of reference to the devil or then supreme pontificate Pope Bent-and-dicked-us.

How do exorcisms work, again? Will the gay married couples stop being gay, or stop being married? Or will one change gender?

Yes. The exorcism is scheduled to take place while we’re recording tonight so if, by the time you hear this, there are still fags, Paprocki will have proven that at least Catholic god is verifiably false.

Illinois Bishop plans gay-marriage exorcism: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/11/15/illinois-bishop-plans-gay-marriage-exorcism/

And from the “Irish comedian tells offensive joke about Muslims” file . . . Why the fuck is anyone ever surprised about the contents of this file?!? Conan O’Brien recently tweeted: (quote) “Marvel Comics is introducing a new Muslim female superhero. She has so many more special powers than her husband’s other wives.” Despite being hilarious, and therefore exempt from bigotry charges, there were many angry responses, and Conan deleted the tweet like a pussy.

In his defense, he could’ve been trying to protect his streak for the longest a person has ever been considered a comedian without being funny.

One such angry response said: (quote) “Real classy bigotry, Conan O’Brien. Did you enjoy having a laugh at the expense of the marginalized?” YES!!! Comedians tell jokes, and we all have a laugh at the expense of the marginalized!!! That’s humor!!! And it’s not like he made an offensive list of possilbe names . . .

Pretty sure that’s our cue to put 30 seconds on the clock. Muslim Superheroines. Go!!!

Before we start, I did some research, and there does exist a PakistAnime superheroine called . . . no bullshit . . . The Burka Avenger. But I’m gonna start with Silk Scarf Spectre.

Bur-kat woman? I know that’s not very good, but The Brown Widow is racist so I’m not gonna use that one.

That is racist. Not ALL Muslim women were widowed by a suicide bomber . . .

The Black Tar Heroine

Hum-mystique

They do eat hummus . . . The Almost Invisible Woman? Just a floating eye rectangle.

I was gonna say the “Wishes she was Invisible Woman”

SheRa-madan … The She-Hadist

Maybe a team of superwomen; The Fantastic 72

Shit yeah . . . the little lebowski virgin achievers . . . the heaven groupies . . . the Tali-Band-Aids.

Conan mocks Islam: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/19/is-this-conan-obrien-joke-racist/

Damn, I hate to close things out so close to a fatwa, but we’re out of time for headlines. Heath, thanks as always.

Messiah-Nara!!!

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in discovering that the 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel division had nothing to do with the bathroom code.

Poem

2 Samuel

Two Samuel? Well damn you’ll forgive me for saying,

I’m starting to like all the raping and slaying,

It’s not that the bible has sapped all my ethics,

And it’s not that I’m a fan of historical epics,

It’s just better than all the begats and the praying.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s too long and the story’s a mess,

And there’s a huge literary mistake to address,

A new character appears every sentence or two,

Which makes keeping track of them miserably tricky to do,

But I suppose I can try nonetheless.

To start it all there was Saul who was king but got killed;

Then there’s David whose promise from god was fulfilled;

There’s Ahinoam and Abbie, David’s first wives,

And Ishbaal, son of Saul, whose reign he revives,

With Abner, a warrior respected and skilled.

Joab’s the commander of David’s armed forces,

His brother Asahel runs as fast as the horses,

But he slowed down when Abner puts a spear through his gut

So Joab snuffs him out like a cigarette butt,

Against David’s orders according to dubious sources.

Baanah and Rechab are Ishbaal’s remaining commanders,

But they kill their own king and go to David to pander,

So with Saul’s house destroyed, he goes after the chicks,

Like Michal who he purchased with Philistine dicks

And wants back though it’s clear that he can’t stand her.

King David was fertile with a dick never limp,

And he had more chicks to fuck than a Manhattan pimp,

So he had children a lot; first Amnon then Chileab,

Absalom, Adonijah, Shephatiah and Ithream,

Oh yeah, and he took care of Mephibosheth the gimp.

Tamar was a hottie and Amnon wanted to fist her,

So he told his friend Jonadab that he couldn’t resist her.

Jonadab says, “Rape her” so Amnon acts like he’s sick;

When she bend over to help, he just whips out his dick.

So he fucks her, then boots her and, oh yeah, she’s his sister.

Then there’s Bathsheba, Tamar was hot but she’s hotter,

And when David first spots her she’s wearing nothing but water,

So he disregards the fact that she’s menstruating and married,

His salami was hard and it had to be buried,

And so did Urriah, her husband, who David had slaughtered.

King Haram builds King David stately abodes,

Nathan, the seer, foretells and forebodes,

Hanun the Ammonite mistreats King David’s men,

Shimei tosses rocks at the king now and then,

And Uzzah puts a hand on the ark and explodes.

Sheba is mutinous, Ahithophel is unwise,

Amasa brings about Sheba’s demise,

Eleazar, Shammah and Josheb-basshebeth,

Are ferocious, impetuous merchants of death,

And, oh yeah, there’s Solomon, who has yet to arise.

From Abiathar the priest to Ziba, servant of Saul;

Through the dozen of characters I don’t even recall,

There’s no shortage within of unpronounceable names,

So when you think about it, it’s really kind of a shame

To name the book after someone who’s not in it at all.

Babble

For the love of our listeners, we suffered through 2 Samuel this week; this book has all the literary intrigue of a high school newspaper and as many characters as a high school yearbook and yet still, somehow we got all the way through it.

I used cocaine. Good for awful books, plus it helps you stay motivated to … buy more cocaine later that day. And that third digit in my bank account was really getting unmanageable.

And of course, joining us in this misguided adventure once again is my lovely wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back to the show.

Great to be here, despite the circumstances… and I think Heath should have shared the cocaine.

Alright, so 2 Samuel starts off exactly when 1 Samuel leaves off, so Lucinda, can you set the stage for us?

Sure. When last we saw our intrepid hero David, he was off kicking Amalekite ass, rescuing kidnapped people and being elsewhere while Israel gets wasted by the Philistines.
1. So chapter one of two Samuel starts with some random guy showing up and telling David that Jonathan and Saul fell in battle, and that, upon request, he finished Saul off. So David kills him.

“That’s my gay lover – and his dad my other gay lover – you’re talking about, asshole! Nobody finishes off Saul better than me!”

So with Saul dead the whole kingdom goes to shit. David is declared king of Judah, Ishbaal becomes king of not Judah, then, of course, they start killing each other.

“So uhh . . . how’re we gonna settle this? We can’t have people fighting over this shitty desert for the next 5000 years. What if we take 10 of my guys, and 10 of your guys, and they all stab each other at the same time, and we see what happens?”
“That makes NO sense . . . Make it 12 guys each, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

And in chapter three we learn that David definitely didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner. I mean he really, really, really didn’t kill Abner, son of Ner; even though he was around when it happened and benefited greatly from it and could have done it, he definitely didn’t.
1. And he didn’t know about it, or order it or anything.

Right, it wasn’t David. It was his general, Joab. And generals don’t just kill people on command.

Then we learn in chapter four that he also didn’t kill Ishbaal, either.
1. Hell, he killed him even less than he killed Abner, who he also didn’t kill.
So after the coincidental and definitely-not-premeditated by David murders of his two rivals to the throne, he becomes king of all Israel.
1. And he fucks a lot. He’s got wives, concubines, other dude’s wives…
Then we get a whole chapter talking about the “Bring me the Ark!” parade, which apparently ends in a tent where David rocks out with his cock out, which pisses off his first wife,
1. You’ll remember her from One Samuel where he traded her straight up for a bag of dicks.

If you’ve ever been to a Bar Mitvah, you’ll know that Jewish men and their white friends can’t dance without the aid of those twenty-something black people they hire as interactive dancer extras.

Chapter seven is one of those “Gee, god, you sure are the most awesome god of all gods and we’re all really impressed down here” kind of chapters. Oh, and god promises that David’s line will rule Israel forever.
1. Yeah, how’s that workin’ out?

David was part Palestinian, right?

And then he kicks ass, kills people, subdues land and steals gold.

Apparently he won the loyalty of the Moabites, by only murdering two thirds of them? . . . “Who wants to try a really fun game? . . . Everyone look to your left, and now to your right. I’m going to murder you, and one of those other two guys. Or both of them, and you’re my slave. Everybody understand how to play? I’m pretty awesome, right? . . . Vote David for King in negative 984!!!”

Then David starts feeling guilty for definitely-not-killing Jonathan so he decides to take in his crippled grandson.
Then the Ammonites piss him off by forcibly shaving his envoys so he kicks ass some more and kills a lot more people.

And since 2 Samuel is the model for all future latently homo-erotic fraternity pledge hazing, they shave half their beard, and make them wear assless pants. Yet despite the biblical mandate, Mitt Romney was chastised when he did the same thing to a gay at his high school.

And then… Holy shit, just when you thought David could do no wrong, we meet Bethsheba. David’s just minding his own business, beating off on his porch one day when he sees a hot chick bathing.

“I knew it would pay off to put a bucket of sudsy sponges and a dirty car, right there under the palace porch! Give her dad these 50 shekels just in case, and bring her to me!”

So he bones her and she comes back a couple of weeks later to tell him she’s pregnant.

So what to do, right? She’s married, so he can’t take her as his wife… unless, of course, she’s suddenly widowed. So he sees to that.

And apparently that was a bridge too far and God decides to enact some holy retribution on David.
1. Or, more accurately, on David’s wives who he sentences to be publicly fucked by his neighbors and his son, who God then kills with a horrible illness.
2. Yeah, that ought to show him…

And since God doesn’t exist, David blatantly chose to have her gang-raped. Unless of course this book isn’t meant to be taken literally. In which case, the gang-rape must be a metaphor for something good and holy.

And then Amnon teaches us all how to properly rape your sister.

“I really want to fuck my sister, but she’s not as rednecky as I hoped. Do we have a sister-fucking guy on staff?”
“Well Jonadab didn’t specialize in that, but he’s pretty clever.”

So Jonadab says, “Have you tried luring her to your house and raping her?”

“Yeah just tell her you want to eat freshly baked bread directly from her hand. That way it’s not suspicious.”

But apparently his brother Absalom wasn’t too happy about it so he ordered his servants to kill him and then he fled to Geshur.
And I love how they broke the news to David. Basically they say, “Hey, bro, Absalom killed all your sons” and when David starts losing it they say, “Just kidding! He only killed Amnon.”

“What do you guys think that was all about? The sister raping? It’s been a couple years now.”

And then we learn that if you’re ever serving a king who’s having trouble forgiving his son for murdering his son and thus endangering the lineage of your nation, all you need is a bag lady.
1. Right. So David half ass forgives Absalom, but that’s not enough so he sets Joab’s field on fire in a tantrum.
And then in a surprise twist, it turns out that Absalom, the fratricidal arsonist, is actually a bad guy.
1. Who would have guessed? So he starts undermining dad and sets himself up as king.
Then David tucks his tail between his legs and takes to the woods. Along the way people throw rocks at him and shit for being a slut.
1. And David sends Hushai the Archite to fuck up the counsel of Ahithophel; who then advises Absalom to bang his father’s concubines as publicly as possible.
2. I knew that coming was coming.

I knew Caesar had it wrong . . . It’s “Vidi Vici Veni.” I saw, I conquered, I came. This is an important morality lesson, and I can see why they kept it in the book . . . How else does a guy know which whores to fuck during a “Jew d’etat”, following the rape of his sister by a half-brother? And where does God want me to fuck them? Publicly? Privately?

And then we spend a long chapter with Absalom saying, “Do I send 12,000 men to kill my father, do I not send 12,000 men to kill my father”.
But the problem is that he was listening to Ahithophel when he should have been listening to Akkbar because, as we learn in chapter 18, It’s a trap.
1. David’s army surrounds Absalom’s army and once again we find David most-definitely not killing his enemy.

“Did you kill your son with spears and hang him from a tree?”
“No . . . No . . . What had happened . . . is . . . Well on the average day, Absalom walks around with about 100 shekels-worth – or 2 rapings-worth – of beautiful, nappy Jew-fro on his head. As he often did, he was riding an ass, and his hair got caught, and then he got speared . . . by the guy I keep pardoning and re-appointing general after murdering my rivals without my permission.”

Do David’s bawling about his son dying until Joab comes in and tells him to man up.
1. Then he heads back to Jerusalem and along the way all the people who laid bets with Absalom come back to see if there’s room for one more set of lips on the king’s ass.
But they can’t even get all the way to Jerusalem without another coup attempt.
1. Right. The non-Judean Israelites get a bad case of middle-child-syndrome so they rally under Sheba and march off to start their own promised land.
2. Yeah, and that works out fine until the people of Abel chopped off his head and tossed it over the city wall.

And in case you were wondering what happened to the 10 prostitutes David left in Jerusalem to be pillaged by Absalom’s army . . . They’re still there, but David absolutely did NOT fuck them again. He was nice enough to put them up in a studio apartment for used whore-widows, and get them a reality show. “Real Housewives of Jerusalem Polygamists”
And in case you were wondering who David appointed to his cabinet as Slave Master General, it was Adoniram.

Yeah, they get damn specific. Then we get a famine and David’s like, “Hey god, what’s with the starving and shit?” and god replies, “Yeah, well, Saul did try to kill the Gibeonites so everyone has to starve until you impale seven of his descendants on a hillside.”
1. So Jesus stole that trick from Saul’s grandkids?
2. Yeah and because this book of the bible was directed by Michael Bay, it ends with an action beat and they go around killing giants.

Only Michael Bay could come up with the idea for the final fight, when David’s nephew rubs Polydactycil cream on his sword and kills the 12-fingered Amish Giant, despite the seemingly insurmountable 20% advantage in grip and simple arithmetic.

And then David sings about how awesome god is for a chapter…
1. Oh… I thought he was singing about crack there.
And then we meet the Hebrew special ops guys. This whole chapter is just a list of Jewish ass kickers that reads like Noah’s thanking the donors at the end of the show..
1. Oh, I’m totally using that this week.
And then David takes a census and apparently god gets as pissed off about those as tea-party libertarians so he plagues the nation for three days and kills 70,000 people.

God says: “I’ll give you 3 choices . . . Would you rather 70,000 Jews get killed by plague over the course of 3 days, OR be forced to wear mittens for 3 months straight, OR you almost sneeze and lose it once a day for 3 years?” David had just done a census, and 70,000 was pretty minor, so plague it was.

Yeah… not exactly a climactic ending.

Books of the bible are like masturbation, not sex. It’s climactic enough if it’s over. So that does it for 2 Samuel. The Holy Babble will be back in episode 43 with 1 Kings. Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.

Libel Babble Blible Blabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!!!

Outro

In honor of my friend Luke, on whose birthday we’re recording this episode and who was a huge part of the inspiration that eventually became this show, I’ll be rendering the outro tonight, by request, in third person biblical.

And behold, Noah did earn favor in the eyes of the people, and the Spaghetti Monster was with him and so he went to the people and gathered them together and spoke onto them, but then he reached the end of the show.

And the people lamented for there was no more blasphemy but then they learned that there was more blasphemy and they rejoiced. For Noah had spoken before to Jake of the house of Farr and the house of Wharton on the Imaginary Friends Show and all the words that he spake could be found by the people on episode one hundred and fifty and nine of that show.

And they learned, too, that Noah had also appeared for a few brief seconds on “The Herd Mentality” with Adam Reakes, son of Brian, son of Sydney, son of William and that he could be heard there, too, on episode twenty nine of that fine program of the Australites.

And the people did call out for Heath the Heathen and they did heap adoration upon him as well they should. And they did call out for Lucinda, the concubine of Noah whom they loved and they did heap adoration upon her as well. And they did call out for the anonymous doctor Steve, regular contributor to the Skepticule podcast and Vegas favorite for the best Farnsworth quote of all time. And they should probably heap adoration on him as well and if they were so inclined they would find a convenient link on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist dot com(eth).

http://www.skepticule.co.uk/

And Noah called out to the people and said to them “Follow me! On Facebook and Twitter and YouTube and stuff!” And the people did follow him.

And then he called from all the people six of them that were the best of all, and he said, “Deb, who is a friend to all the woodland animals, come forward”, and Deb came forward. And he said, “Lindsay, who defeated 10,000 Philistines at once with an ink pen and chapstick, come forward; Willie, upon whose house birds fear to shit for he is so great; Jeffrey, who is long of shaft and brass of ball; Morten, whose wisdom is greater still than ten men… ten women and three hermaphrodites; and Lee, whose enemies flee before his name, which is rough for them because Lee is a very common syllable; All of you come forth.”

And Deb and Lindsay and Willie and Jeffrey and Morten and Lee did come forth and Noah spoke unto them, saying “All who hear my words are great; but you are greater still, for you have sacrificed your hard earned sheckel upon the altar of our Paypal account thus earning great favor such that your names will be forever remembered and the Spaghetti Monster will look favorably on your houses for many generations.”

And then Noah thought the biblical thing was played out so he just said, “If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheim, atheism, atheist podcast, Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons, Noah Lugeons, scathing atheist

Episode 39: Partial Transcript

November 14, 2013 Noah Lugeons 2 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

Warning: The explicit language used in this show has been known to cause incontinence. Will you shit yourself? Depends.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by…

Schindler’s Listerine Pocket Size Kosher Mouthwash . . .

Did the Holocaust leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did a pedophile rabbi leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Did Jewish cuisine leave a bad taste in your mouth?

You’ve got diasporas, pilgrimmages, J-Dates, pogroms … You can’t be carrying around big clumsy bottles.

For Jews on the go: Never forget . . . your bottle of Schindler’s Listerine.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 14th,

And the date-rapist mustache is a weird choice for prostate cancer awareness.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from home of the nation’s tallest phallic structure, New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

Christians build an enormous airplane, to carry a smaller airplane full of bibles to Korea.
We’ll say “put 30 seconds on the clock” and then do 53 seconds worth of shit,
And due to sheer volume, disgraced clergy are no longer considered ironic.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

I know I shouldn’t but sometimes I feel sorry for the theists that argue with me… or any well read atheist for that matter. Jeremey Bien from Reasonable Doubts offered up a great analogy once. He said that if you want to know what it feels like to be the theist in a religious debate, go find a well read vegan and argue with them about eating meat. The facts are all on their side, they’ll beat you in the argument, you’ll eventually realize that you’re wrong and then you’ll go home and have a burger.

I always try to keep that in mind when I reach that point in a debate where my opponent is clearly intentionally misunderstanding me. If you’ve taken part in any of these debates, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the point where you actually see the wall come down and that fearful glaze appears and quickly disappears in their eyes and they mentally erase the point you just made and come back with, “But Jesus said Jesus Jesus!”

This reaction leads a lot of atheists to believe that there’s just no point in arguing with Christians. You never win, right? Well, if by “win” you mean that you actually get to watch them lose their faith in god and and admit that they were wrong, yeah, you never win. But if you define “winning” as forcing them into the “Jesus said Jesus Jesus” phase of the argument, you never lose.

Greta Christina gives a great talk where she addresses this perceived futility. She starts off by reminding everybody how pointless it is to debate with religious people. They never listen, right? And then she asks for a show of hands from everybody who was “reasoned” out of their faith. And at least half the hands in the room go up.

When we debate, we’re planting seeds and it doesn’t matter that we never get to pick the fruits. The seeds are there and if there’s one thing a religious brain has plenty of, it’s fertilizer.

I only point this out because it’s easy to miss the impact that we’re having. Those of us with devangelical bent can look at our day to day success rate and get really depressed. But if we take a long view, it’s damn encouraging.

We’ve talked plenty on this show about the statistical spike in atheism and that’s obviously the most important metric in this discussion so clearly we as a community are doing something right, but you don’t need pollsters and statisticians to see the difference we’re making. If you want to know how far we’ve come, just look at the way the debate itself has evolved.

A hundred years ago people were still offering up positive examples in their argument for god. They would point to things in the world and say, “therefore god”. But as evolution, genetics, cosmology and physics have come into clearer focus, those arguments have been relegated to circle-jerks of stupidity. The learned theists abandoned those positive examples and shifted to negative examples. Instead of offering a case for god, they piss away their intellectual efforts poking holes in the alternatives.

Think about what a massive step backwards that really is. You’ve gone from trying to prove that your god exists to trying to prove that the guy who says your god doesn’t exist is wrong on a topic that is only tangentially related. Instead of “the human eye is awesome, therefore god” it’s become “the human eye could be less awesome, therefore possibly not un-god.”

Now, I don’t have to point out that if evolution were somehow proved to be incorrect, god doesn’t win by default. If somehow it were proved that there’s no absolute secular moral standard that prohibits murder, god doesn’t somehow get promoted. But the theists act like god is some kind of beauty pageant runner up or something. Like he’s the vice-answer that gets to step in and take over if the real answer is ever unable to fulfill its duties.

And what’s worse is that they know that’s incorrect. Sure, there are some ignorant jackasses defending Jesus that don’t recognize concepts like false-dichotomy, but there are plenty of damn smart theists arguing for god and they know good and damn well that knocking down evolution would really be step negative 26 toward proving god, but they still feel compelled to do it. They know that before they can even get to their pathetic proofs they have to dig all that science and logic out of your brain to make room for Jesus.

Hell, I’m sure you’re as sick of hearing religiots saying “atheism is just another religion” as I am, but if you set aside how ridiculously wrong that is for a second you can’t help but admire what a huge win this is for us. If their best argument is a false analogy that desperately hopes to prove that we suck as bad as they do, we’re clearly winning.

Every argument counts. Every debate matters. Every chip off that stone adds up. Never lose sight of this important fact; everybody who has ever given up their faith, everybody who has ever set aside the prison of superstition and embraced reality did so because of one point; one question; one analogy Sure, other people may have stacked a lot of hay on that camel before, but every time you put another straw on there, know that it might be the last one.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines is “guy who sounds like Randall from Clerks”, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to wrangle out the door for everyone?

There I go, and I am a bersker. And speaking of Jersey, congrats to the Red Bank Humanists, who put up an atheist billboard that hasn’t been righteously vandalized yet.

Give them time…

In our lead story tonight, Hasidic rabbis are estimated to body rape about 50 percent of the young boys they are divinely tasked with mind raping. Victim activist – Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg – believes (quote) “around half of young males in Brooklyn, New York’s Hasidic community […] have been victims of sexual assault perpetrated by their elders.” (rear end quote) Ben Hirsch, director of victim advocacy group Survivors For Justice, suggests the number to be EVEN WORSE!!!

I’ve been saying it for years. Why do you think they make the boys grow their hair out like that? Fuckin’ rape handles.

These numbers are only estimates, admittedly based on anecdotal evidence, so let’s say these experts are WAY OFF this time. Give them a terrible margin of error: say 60 percent (or 30 percentage points) . . . That means as many as 80 percent of young boys were sexually abused!!! With a floor of 20 percent!!! In this extremely generous expert mistake scenario, a minimum of ONE IN FIVE young boys gets raped!!!

Yeah, but I’m sure there was some kind of rape four, get the fifth one free going on.

When asked about how these numbers stack up against Catholics, I imagine one Hasidic Jewish victim responded: (quote) “Altar boy? I should be so lucky. Over there, they roll dice, so you only lose one in six. Here they just flip a coin.” (end quote) This was confirmed by one boldly honest hypothetical rabbi: (quote) “How do we decide who to rape and how? We flip a shekel. Heads and tails should be self-explanatory.” (rear end quote)

Yeah, the bell curve keeps skewing the Catholic’s way. I swear, Pope Franks for Nothin’ gives a few more handjobs to people with boils on the Twitter and the secular community might just forget all about the institutionalized child rape thing.

As a reward for whistle blowing all the whistle blowing, Rabbi Rosenberg has been shunned by the Hasidic community and attacked with bleach. Muslims throw acid, Jews throw strong base. They really are the Yankees and Red Sox of monotheism. Before we wrap up this wonderful story, I’d like to applaud us for omitting the graphic details of the pedophilia witnessed in 2005 by Rabbi Rosenberg in Jerusalem’s holiest bath house. At least atheists call a brothel a brothel.

Hasidic rabbis rape about half the available little boys: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/13/can-this-number-be-credible-jewish-anti-abuse-activists-say-half-of-hasidic-boys-are-raped-by-elders/

And in “Turn the Other Cheek my Ass” news tonight, Texas congressmen Sam Johnson is livid over an infringement on his freedom to tell other people what to do. The cataclysmic affront to American values began early last month when the Air Force Academy chose to make the “under god” portion of it’s service oath optional.

What’s his complaint exactly? . . . The earth science section of the bible puts god at 30,000 feet. They routinely fly above that altitude.

Coupling his outrage over the service-oath adjustment with the ever-present fury over being named after a cock and bearing a striking resemblance to the pedophile character in Family Guy, Johnson lashed out with a proposed bill that would require congressional approval before any changes could be made to the administration of the uniformed service oath.

What the fuck?!? Nobody’s suggesting radical, overtly atheist language anywhere. This is the mildest change ever, and he’s complaining. All that’s happening, is we’re no longer specifying the thing under which we are. We’re not even saying whether that thing is or isn’t. We’re just not addressing the prepositional concept of “under”. So we’ve offensively ignored the ever-latent above/below duality in the oath?!? Really?!?

I’m guessing his justification won’t placate you much. He said that (quote) “There are no atheists in foxholes. We are the land of the free because of the brave” (end quote). So setting aside the brazen douche-baggery it takes to act like brave and atheist are mutually exclusive, I think it’s important to note that this move was made to accommodate atheists in the military. If, as Representative Circumcised Salami claims, there are no atheists in the military, what is he so pissed off about?

Airforce makes “Under God” pledge optional, Texas congressman is livid: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/09/texas-congressman-is-on-the-warpath-to-make-atheist-military-cadets-swear-an-oath-containing-so-help-me-god/

In “Darwin Awards Talent Search” news, Tennessee pastor and aspiring Indiana Jones villain – Andrew Hamblin – vows to continue handing deadly serpents to local stupid people, despite a raid by wildlife authorities that emptied his Temple-of-Doom-style snake pit.

Sorry, but my inner-geek has to point out that in Temple of Doom it was bugs, not snakes. The snakes were in the first one.

Indiana Jones minutia notwithstanding, the atheist community is buzzing, as we may have finally discovered a stupid thing caused by dogmatic adherence to wrongness books.

See, I think you might be letting your personal biases color your appraisal of this situation. After all, who are you to say that giving deadly serpents to inbred Christians is a bad thing. I mean, we all agree that genocide is a bad thing when it isn’t voluntary, but this is new ground on the moral landscape here.

The level of stupidity does make it tricky. Hamblin was asked: (quote) “Using the word ‘snakes’ three times, and a dumb redneck speech pattern, please tell us your opinion on the raid.” He responded (quote) “It doesn’t bother me that they took the snakes, because I can always get more snakes. There can always be more snakes that can be found.”

Someone yelled “Not enough dumb redneck speech pattern!” . . .

At which point Hamblin added, “And that don’t deter me . . . [Go wait in the truck!]”

I’m disappointed. I was hoping for him to put up more of a fight. Something like, “You can have my snakes when you pry them from my cold, necrotic stumps.”

When asked for a final quote that betrays his untenable stance, accidentally making the atheist point for us, he said: (quote) “What bothers me is that this is not a place of business. This is not a home. Had this been a home or a business, yes, raid it. But this is a church. This is a place of worship.” (end quote) We pray here. This is GOD’S stash of heroin and dirty bombs. This is GOD’S frenzied pack of herpetic wolverines.

Knoxville Preacher busted with illegal snakes: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/08/tennessee-wildlife-resources-agency-has-had-it-with-these-mothering-snakes-in-this-mothering-church/

And in part two of our weekly denigration of Texas tonight, polyamorous pastor Doug Phillips has stepped down as the head of the Texas-based “Vision Forum Ministries” after admitting to an extramarital platonic affair. That’s right, when faced with overwhelming evidence that the married father of eight was fuckin’ the baby sitter, he admitted to having an inappropriate, but not sexual relationship. I shit you not, (quote) “While we did not ‘know’ each other in a Biblical sense, [the relationship] was nevertheless inappropriately romantic and affectionate”

Worst clergy excuse since: “There’s nothing about the neighbor’s husband.”
“I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY because we did it Muslim style. I knew her Kor-Anally.”

“There might be some creationism in her uterus, but it’s not mine. It’s one of God’s children. My DNA test was immaculate.”
“I didn’t know her BIBLICALLY, but I poked my nose between her pages a little, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

Phillips is an outspoken proponent of male “dominion” over women and preaches a notoriously sexist, arrogant and antiquated view of marriage. Needless to say. news of his adultery left his congregants expressing shock that there were multiple women that would fuck him.

Well the baby sitter didn’t fuck him. At most, she gave him a “know job”. She knew him like a mohel knows a bloody, mutilated, infant penis.

While Phillips has stepped down as the public face of the for-profit ministry, he still maintains ownership and control in every way that matters. He’s cancelled all his speaking engagements for the foreseeable future and intends to spend his time, (quote), “focusing on counting the 3 million dollars a year I rake in telling women to go make me a sandwich, motherfuckers!!!”

Patriarchy priest resigns because of extramarital affair: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/06/homeschooling-leader-doug-phillips-resigns-amidst-extramarital-relationship-keeps-business/

And in “Felix and Oscars” news, the coveted homophobic “Bigot of the Year” at the Stonewall Awards goes to Pat Robertson, for being the person who most “gratuitously caused hurt and offense to gay people” over the last twelve months of the hate season.

In our wildest dreams, we’ll never be as powerful a force for atheism as that frothing lunatic.

Seems to me like Robertson is the Meryl Streep of the Stonewall Awards, and deserves more of a lifetime achievement presentation. But they couldn’t fit all that queer-hate into a single video montage, so they had to settle on highlights from this year only.

And keep in mind that he’s a multi-instrumentalist in the bigotry orchestra. He managed to squeeze award winning amounts of queer-hatin’ in while still hating atheists, Muslims, jews, actors, blacks, latinos, asians, Ukrainians… that guy is a machine.

So if you’re wondering how to gratuitously hurt and offend gays, here’s a few examples from a positive role model. Start by comparing transgender people as a group, to your castrated horse. Evidently, they hate that. Then maybe suggest that laws against anti-gay discrimination are unconsitutional because Christians could go to jail. Follow this up by pointing out that gays are just straight people who (quote) “had the god fucked out of them.” Then round out your homophobic rant by asking for a “vomit button” for disliking gay shit on Facebook. And finally close it with a line about the secret “GAIDS Handshake” dirty needle rings.

Pat Robertson wins “Bigot of the Year” award: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/08/pat-robertson-bigot-of-the-year_n_4240117.html

And in “What, no Manna?” news tonight, American pastor Eric Foley became the latest in a long and proud line of Christian missionaries who have gone to great lengths and expense to give bibles to starving people.

“I’m about to die of malnutrition, so thanks for this . . . I’d wipe my ass with the pages, but I don’t shit, because I don’t eat, so . . . I guess it’ll be nice to have something unreadable to look at until I die tomorrow. You’re sure this is gonna work? I skim the first and last sentence of each chapter, and I’ll be able to BS my way into heaven? Apparently St. Peter is a shitty middle school English teacher.”

This latest misguided attempt at a high-fiber diet took place along the border of North Korea, where Christian mission group and sad attempt at cleverness “Seoul USA” has been surreptitiously dropping balloon-loads of bibles on the malnourished populace of one of the world’s most oppressive governments for months.

I’ve got a suggestion for where those bullshit-smugglers can put the balloons full of bibles. Clergy experiment with “religion via suppository” all the time. Doesn’t usually get them in trouble.

When asked why they chose to sneak bibles into the country instead of useful stuff like food, medicine or anything other than a bible, Reverend Foley chewed on his cellphone or barked or something because you’d have to be a drooling fucking retard not to realize what an insultingly stupid waste of resources this is.

Korean Bible Drop: http://www.foxnews.com/world/2013/11/08/bible-drop-christian-group-takes-to-sky-to-sneak-gospel-into-north-korea/

And from the expansive “Christian Forcing Captive Kids to Do Stuff” file, school bus driver, Minnesota pastor, and asshole with roman numerals after his name – George Nathaniel EyeEyeEye – was fired from his more gainful employment for refusing to stop evangelizing to public school children stuck in his prayer bus.

That’s gotta make it damn hard to maintain the “back and forth jostling bus stiffy”.

After complaints of unsolicited religious advances, he was assigned to a different group of children, much like a disgraced priest. Finally, after failing to heed repeated warnings to stop violating district policy and the First Amendment, EyeEyeEye was terminated. The district of Burnsville will have to quickly find someone qualified to … silently drive a bus.

Okay, question one; the wheels on the bus go round and… what? Okay good. Question two; it is acceptable to theologically brain rape the kids (a) occasionally or (b) never?

This week’s set of headlines seem to have established a theme of mental rape more than usual, so I guess I’ll roll with it . . . Put in the worst possible words, kids do need to be brain raped to some extent. Gotta learn. But let’s keep it to a minimum. Maybe just true things, if we’re making a rule about minimizing the brain rape.

Bus driver refuses to stop praying to captive children, gets fired: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/07/praying-bus-driver-fired_n_4234315.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And finally tonight, in part three of our weekly denigration of Texas, Pastor Phillip Heinze of the Calvary Lutheran Church in Fort Worth has learned that raping people’s brains is a lot like raping people’s assholes… it helps if they’re drunk. This inspiration led him to start an outreach program called, “Church-in-a-pub”.

Fort Worth WalMart is installing a pub? Texans can finally get drunk, buy guns, hate queers, and love Jesus, all under one roof. Used to be two roofs.

Firmly supplanting karaoke as the most annoying thing in a bar, the unconventional location for the ministry helps spread the word of Jesus to the segment of society most likely to be dealing with perpetually damaged brain cells while simultaneously sparing the congregation the expense of rent.

So at the risk of overplaying this bit, 30 seconds on the clock, Jesus themed booze:

Killed By Jews Booze . . . Gotta explain something here. The reason we go after the Jews so much is primarily because “Jew” is a single syllable that works easily into puns. It’s nothing personal except when it is. Anyway. . . Holy Spirits – Game On! . . .

Jesus of Nazar-Ethanol

One Samuel Adams?

Glenn Beck’s? No, fuck him . . . King James-eson?

Burning Busch

Remy Martin Luther . . . Origin and Tonic

Absolution Vodka

Well he probably didn’t like Rusty Nails . . . Screwdriver Up Against the Cross With a Twist?

Fort Worth congregation starts “Church-in-a-pub”: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/12/texas-church-attracts-new-followers-with-beer/

And on that long list of reasons to take a quick break from recording, we’ll wrap the headlines. Heath, thanks for your biting wit and insight.

And when we come back, we’ll be drunker.

Skit:

Mark: C’mon in guys.

Matthew: Sup Mark?

Mark: Nothin’ much. Appreciate you guys coming out. Is um… where’s John?

Luke: He had a date.

Mark: A date?

Matthew: Yeah… he said he would just copy off our notes later.

Mark: Really? I mean, we’re transcribing the life of god’s only begotten son. Pretty important that he… you know, show up.

Luke: You got any beers?

Mark: No, Luke, this is serious stuff. I figured we would stay sober for it.

Luke: (mockingly) I figured we’d stay sober…

Mark: So go ahead and grab a quill and some parchment there. I figured we could just jot down a few notes before we got started.

Matthew: What notes? We were all there. Can’t we just tell the story the way we saw it?

Mark: Sure, Luke, that’s the plan, but this is possibly the most important story ever recorded. It’s vital that we present a unified account of the events. You know, for posterity.

Matthew: Sure, why not?

Mark: Okay, so let’s start with Jesus’s birth. Jesus was born in Nazareth…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously): Bethlehem. Galilee.

Mark: What?

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously): Bethlehem. Galilee.

Mark: No, Nazareth.

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously): No, Bethlehem. No, Galilee

Mark: His last name is “Of Nazareth”.

Luke: Yeah, but they moved to Nazareth later. He was born in Bethlehem.

Matthew: In a manger.

Mark: What?

Matthew: Yeah, because of the census.

Mark: What census?

Luke: Oooh… and his mom was a virgin.

Matthew: Nice.

Mark: Guys, that doesn’t even make sense. Look, we need to take this seriously.

Luke: Oh, and check this out; how about three wise men showed up when he was born and crowned him the king of earth while he was still a baby.

Matthew: I don’t know about all that, but I like the virgin birth bit.

Mark: But that didn’t happen! Guys, I think it’s important that we don’t exaggerate.

Luke: Who’s exaggerating? If he hadn’t been crowned king, how else would he have escaped king Herod’s order to execute all the children under two years of age.

Mark: The what?

Matthew: And he had laser vision!

Mark: No laser vision.

Matthew: Aw, c’mon…

Mark: Look, I’m writing down Nazareth. Jesus was born in Nazareth.

Luke: Fine. I’m writing down he was born in Bethlehem to a virgin during a Roman census under the threat of Herod’s infanticidal dictum.

Matthew: And I’m giving him laser vision.

Mark: No laser vision!

Matthew: No beer, no laser vision… you suck, Mark.

Mark: You know what, let’s just… let’s just put the birth stuff on the back burner for a minute. I mean, this story is more about his death than his birth anyway, right?

Luke: Couldn’t agree more.

Mark: So we do all agree that he was crucified, right?

Luke: Of course.

Mark: So they stick him on the cross, he cries out for god and then he dies.

Luke: Right.

Matthew: I think it would be better if… and just hear me out on this one, but wouldn’t it be better if he forgave his killers? And then reassured the good thief and then like… offered himself up to god. That would be way cooler.

Mark: Yeah, maybe, but that’s not how it happened.

Matthew: Well, maybe that’s how I remember it.

Mark: Guys, this is getting out of hand here. Jesus gets crucified, he cries out to god and he dies. They stick him in the tomb.

Luke: Right. And then his mom and his lady friend went back to the tomb…

Mark: …wasn’t Salome there as well?

Matthew: …and Joanna.

Mark: And when they get there, they find…

Luke & Matthew (simultaneously): Two men in dazzling apparel The angel of the lord

Mark: See, this is what I’m talking about. It was a dude in a white robe. It ends with them finding the empty tomb and a dude in a white robe. The end, roll credits.

Matthew: Well, what about when he came back to life?

Mark: When he what!?

Matthew: Yeah, he appeared in a room in Jerusalem…

Luke: …a mountain in Galilee you mean…

Matthew: …to his disciples…

Luke: …and everybody else…

Matthew: …and he assured them that he would come again.

Luke: …and he had an army of zombies.

Mark: Guys, this just happened. If you we write that he had an army of zombies and laser vision everybody’s gonna know you’re full of shit.

Matthew: Okay fine, no laser vision.

Luke: But we’re keeping the zombies.

Mark: We’re not keeping the zombies.

Luke: In my gospel, there’s gonna be zombies.

Mark: What do you mean your gospel? There’s just gonna be one gospel.

Luke: I thought we’d each write our own.

Yeah, that sounds way better.

Mark: Well… fine, but we at least have to get the details right, then. I mean, how can we each throw out a gospel that tells a different story about the guy? Who would ever believe that?

Luke: You’d be surprised.

Outro

Before we lick the plate tonight I wanted to thank everybody who checked out our CafePress site at CafePress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and picked up some of the fine logoed merchandise there. I’m sure a lot of little faces are gonna be really happy when they unwrap that Scathing Atheist logo beer stein on Christmas morning.

I also wanted to let everyone who hasn’t checked out the site know that we have a special going on Scathing Atheist Christmas Tree ornaments so if you have one of those trees at the local mall that let’s people put up their own ornaments or anything, it’s six dollars and sixty-six cents well spent. Also a great one to sneak onto grandma’s tree to get an awkward conversation started.

Also need to thank John and JD from the Rational Talk podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. They’re podcast is a new one, but it’s fun, it’s raunchy and it’s got a lot of promise; definitely one worth checking out. The name makes it hard to Google so be sure to check the shownotes on this week’s episode for a link or check them out at THE Rational Talk (dot) com.

Also need to thank Lucinda as always for molding me into the human being that I am today through boundless reserves of patience and tolerance. Oh, and also for providing the explicit language warning this week. And also for that thing she does with her tongue and she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I also need to thank Heath for that thing he does with his tongue; and for all you know, I’m referring to all the talking and being funny he does on this show every week. And while we’re doling out appreciation, I also want to thank Tony Romo and Dez Bryant for sucking balls against the Saints last week leading to an improbable and narrow victory for my Fantasy Team over Bill and Suzy from Bar Room Atheists, thus ending a three game slide and putting me back into third place as we approach the postseason.

But most of all I need to thank this week’s distressingly short list of the world’s best people, Robert and Thomas. Robert, whose penis is rivalled in size and power only by the high water mark of the Mongolian empire and Thomas, whose evolutionary perfection would make his genetic code an international best-seller. These two pillars of humanity have improved the lives of countless rational beings across the Virgo Cluster this week by giving us money. Our donation system is, of course, highly selective in who it will allow to give us money, but if you think you share the pansophical cunning of Robert and Thomas, feel free to find out by clicking the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And remember, the more money it allows you to give, the better a human being you are.

Oh, and a quick note. Up to now I’ve done a song on every tenth episode. I’ve got one written for episode 40 but with the Holy Babble segment and the poem and everything we won’t have room for it next week so you’ll have to wait an extra week to hear me sing about priests raping children.

That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight. Remember people who give us a five star reviews on iTunes, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on YouTube, follow the blog and like us on Facebook get eternal oral sex after they die, and if you don’t believe me, I can write it down in a book and then quote that book to prove it.

If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: Andrew Hamblin, antitheism, antitheism podcast, atheism, atheist, atheist podcast, Doug Phillips, Eric Foley, George Nathaniel III, Noah Lugeons, Pat Robertson, Phillip Heinze, Sam Johnson, scathing atheist

Episode 38 – Partial Transcript

November 7, 2013 Noah Lugeons 1 comment

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains some portions edited from the completed episode due to time constraints

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language like shit and fuck.

Sponsor: Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new television network ESPN Jew; featuring hall of fame sportscasters Marv Albert, Chris Berman, Howard Cosell, Marty Glickman and Al Michaels, narrating an endless loop of Sandy Koufax highlights with occasional snippets of disgraced steroid-abusing Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun.

ESPN Jew, because seriously, it’s Koufax and Bears punter Adam Podlesh.

And now, the Scathing Atheist…

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s November 7th,

And Brandon Lee died because someone filled in the (blank).

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from post-Bloombergian New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

We’ll refresh you with some thinking-man’s abortion jokes.
The Jews will continue to have not murdered Jesus,
And we do an entire segment on Pennsylvania schools, without a single Sandusky joke.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe:

Normally I do retractions at the end of the show, but this week we’ve got one I want to put right up front. The atheist blogosphere was abuzz all week last week with stories about a Polish girl who committed suicide to be with her father in heaven. It was all over social media all week complete with vigilant Jesus-defenders trying to theologically justify it.

Heath and I reported on it as well and the day that episode was released we immediately started seeing the retractions. It turns out the original story came from a tabloid paper and the more vigilant reporters were unable to confirm any of the details of the story. It almost certainly never happened.

But even before that news came out, there was a bit of internal conflict about running with this news item. Even when I didn’t doubt the veracity of the story, I was still hesitant to include it. Part of my resistance stems from the fact that I’m nowhere near as comfortable as my co-host with the prospect of making jokes about a suicidal elementary schooler, but part of it was simply the extreme nature of the story. I mean, it’s not like there was a rash of theologically inspired preteen suicides or anything. Even if this happened it was an extreme, isolated incident.

So when Heath brought up the story I originally objected to it. I explained my objection and he reasoned me out of them. And what’s more, the reasons that convinced me are still valid even if the story is bullshit.

This story was so appealing to atheists not because they believed that this was some inevitable consequence of religion, but because it offered a case study in one of the many theological pretzels that comes with the whole afterlife concept. Whether or not some little girl really killed herself to get to heaven, the questions that it prompted from atheists is no less valid.

As near as I can tell, this whole afterlife thing is the only real feature religion has left to sell. That and intermittent divine key-location. And as much as people seem to love the concept of an afterlife, it’s a sex-in-the-shower kind of thing; it sounds good until you start thinking about it.

The Facebook arguments bore this out. Most of them went like this:

The atheist would say, “Well if she got to be with her dad, wasn’t suicide the right choice?”

And the theist would counter with theological minutia; “No, because suicide is a mortal sin.”

To which the atheist would say, “So god sent the little girl to hell for eternity for missing her dad?”

To which the theist would change the subject, commit a gross logical fallacy or criticize the atheist’s spelling and/or punctuation.

Of course none of this matters because there was no little girl, there is no god and there is no heaven, but that doesn’t spackle over the logic gap at all.

Some of the debates were more utilitarian, of course. Some people argued for the value of simply believing in heaven whether it existed or not and thus avoided the delicate little-girl-roasting-in-hellfire problem by framing it as a question of proper theological education.

“If somebody told her that suicide was a mortal sin beforehand, she’d never have considered it.”

Okay, maybe that’s true, but how comforting is that to the little girl whose dad shot himself? What do you tell her? “Don’t worry, sweetheart, someday you’ll get bicurious and then you’ll get to burn in hell with him.”

I’m sick and tired of listening to people argue the merits of a belief in the afterlife. It’s an absurd concept no matter how you try to spin it and what’s more, it makes it harder to deal with the reality that dead people are just dead. That’s usually the hardest thing anyone will ever have to deal with so you’re probably better off trying to deal with it right away rather than cheese-clothing over it with fairy tales until it actually happens.

One way or the other, death is hard to deal with and like most things, rampant illogical bullshit doesn’t make it any easier. The cold comfort of thinking about grandma looking down from heaven dries up really quick when you’re lubing a dildo. And the cold comfort of your own immortality dries up when you think about a heaven run by some dude that has a perfectly good paradise elsewhere and put us here instead.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is the third member of our two man triumvirate Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to virate?

Sure, why not? The ladies love things that virate.

In our lead story tonight, an Egyptian atheist was arrested this week for existing. According to a report from “Ahram Online”, a 20 year old student in the Suez city of Ismailia was arrested after allegedly starting an atheist group on Facebook.

I thought the CIA installed an Atheist Jewish government after causing Arab Spring.

Yeah, that’s what the NSA transcripts say, but apparently not. This would not mark the first time the Egyptian judicial system has responded to illegal use of emoticons. In December of last year atheist activist Alber Saber was sentenced to three years in jail for sharing a link to an online film critical of Islam.

They wanted him to post links to all the pro-Islam movies currently dominating world cinema?

Like… Obama’s home movies?

Rama-Donnie Brasco?

Water-boardwalk Empire.

Halal-most Famous.

Anyway, in their continuing effort to make sure the days of the pharaohs remains the highpoint in Egyptian civilization, the nation boasts draconian blasphemy laws that make (quote) “offending religion in any form” punishable by as many as six years in prison or two years service against the legionnaires.

Egyptians arrested for starting atheist Facebook page: http://english.ahram.org.eg/NewsContent/1/64/84968/Egypt/Politics-/Egypt-security-investigates-student-for-forming-at.aspx

And from the “Saviors NOT Murdered By Jews” file … Jesus: the Jews did NOT murder Jesus. However, according to a 2013 survey, only 75% of Americans are willing to believe the Jewish alibi on this, which says (quote) “None of us are 2000-year-old former citizens of ancient Rome.” Strangely enough, the remaining 25% tend to be anti-Semitic, despite the fact that – as far as they know – the Jews killed Jesus for their sins. I think a modicum of gratitude is in order…

That’s a too often overlooked part of this thing. Sure, Jesus died for the sins, but everybody involved was playing a necessary role in god’s divine plan. Where’s the love for the guy who made the crown of thorns? Or the carpenter that put together the cross? After all, that cat o nine tails didn’t just clean the chunks of flesh out of itself.

Historians and other literate people point out that the Jewish people were slaves in Rome at the time of Jesus’s death, and generally slave populations had little control over government execution policy, as evidenced by the fact that Jewish slaves were getting executed all the time. Despite this, and several other instances of the Jews NOT murdering people, and one huge instance of the opposite, many Americans still carry anti-Semitic attitudes.

In preparation for this news story I made the mistake of typing “25% of Americans think…” into the Google search bar. Possibly the most depressing autocomplete you will ever see.

For example, about 25% believe (quote) “Jews still talk too much about what happened to them in the Holocaust.” (end quote) . . .

Six million little cases of murder and they’re bitching for a century… Jews.

Gotta figure lots of these anti-Semites are Bible Belters . . .

Do you really get a lot of 90-year-old German Jews jogging up next to you in rural Arkansas, you’re just trying to do some cardio, and they won’t stop blabbing on about surviving genocide?

“You working up a good sweat? I’m auschvitzing like a pig over here.”

“Shut up Saul- actually that’s pretty funny. You can say that because you’re Jewi- Look I don’t have time to make holocaust puns with you again!” …

Guess we should put 30 seconds on the cl-

We will not be putting 30 seconds on the clock for a holocaust pun segment. Moving on.

25% of Americans believe the Jews killed Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/jews-killed-jesus-adl-survey_n_4191568.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And from the “What’s the motto with you?” file tonight, a bill that would put the words “In God We Trust” in every public school in the state has passed through Pennsylvania’s Education committee, reminding atheists and secularists everywhere that rednecks don’t only live in the south.

Those rednecks do spread quickly. They fuck like rabbits. Like ignorant, incestuous rabbits.

Hell, some of them just fuck rabbits. Anyway, the bill’s sponsor and amputated-testicle joke on a tee Rick Saccone points out that the measure would promote patriotism by reminding school kids that America was founded by the same oppressively religious assholes they had in the rest of the world back then. Nine of the twenty three members of the committee opposed the bill on the grounds that would cost money and is stupid, but supporters point out that (quote) “them motherfuckers are a bunch of godless commies”.

Yeah it’s the lack of creationist visual aids that’s leading to all the rampant atheism. Kids don’t trust things unless they have lots of posters with vague, unexplained platitudes.

Saccone also points out that this will help draw attention to the little known fact that the red-scare inspired change in the nation’s motto wasn’t proposed by just any irrational, divisive, nugatory, reactionary, hysterical, twaddling tit… it was a Pennsylvanian one.

And speaking of propaganda mongers with semi-amputated testicles, Richard Sack-One, aka Dick Half-Sack, aka Only One Kenobi started his political career at the Ministry of Truth in Oceania during the mid-eighties.

Bill to put “In God We Trust” in every classroom passes PA Education committee: http://www.abc27.com/story/23782955/pa-house-gets-bill-to-post-in-god-we-trust-in-schools

And in “Found My Soul Mate” news: Area woman celebrates Halloween dressed as a bloodied Boston Marathon runner . . . According my research, and her twitter handle, I just need to look for (quote) “Some Skank in Michigan” named Alicia Ann Lynch.

As a native born Michigander I can tell you, we’ve got the best skanks.

She’s perfect for me, right? Female, 22, self-proclaimed skank … check check check. And she might just have the best cringe-worthy sense of humor ever. Close second place in the cringe-worthy humor contest goes to the accidentally hilarious Lisa in Dallas, who tried to angrily respond to Lynch by saying: (quote) “Wow. If she has kids, would she put them in bloodied Sandy Hook shirts?” (end quote)

Inadvertently giving Heath a reason to procreate.

Alicia Lynch (and/or Lisa in Dallas for that matter), I hereby offer to impregnate you, have those kids, and dress them up like Lisa suggests, just so we could take the most offensive and also hilarious family photo of all time. I’m not suggesting the events themselves are funny, but when combined with a holiday about death juxtaposed with children in costumes, I can’t avoid a chuckle. And hand on a Bible, most people in Boston would trade a minor explosion at the marathon for a Red Sox world series all day.

Isn’t it a little too soon for World Series jokes?

Funniest Female Ever: http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/woman-s-boston-marathon-bombing-costume–what-it-says-about-everyone-205502002.html

And in “Abstain-o-lantern” news tonight, a Christian assholes took it upon herself to ruin Halloween for some neighborhood kids when she chose to augment the traditional candy by stapling it to graphic anti-abortion propaganda.

Nothing goes together like halloween candy, staples, and dead kids.

While nothing would appetize an atheist like pictures of aborted fetuses, a number of the parents in the New Mexico neighborhood were shocked. The woman who handed out the dead baby menus defended her actions by reminding people that it’s okay to be a bitch as long as Jesus.

Okay, 30 seconds on the clock; Baby-based Halloween candies:

Fetus Pieces- no Sugar Baby Killers

Embryo Ruth Bars

And the miniatures are called Test Tube Baby Ruth?

Kid-Kats

SteM&M Cells

Spree-mies?

Cadbury Ova? Cadbury Fertilized Eggs? Cadbury Egg Drop Soup – and if you weren’t listening last week, that’s describing candied euphemisms for abortion.

It’s not a candy, but you could have some infanti-cider to drink.

Ok nice, atheist beverages … Swiss Miscarriage Hot Chocolate

Christians give out graphic anti-abortion propaganda at Halloween: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/new-mexico-trick-or-treaters-given-graphic-anti-abortion-propaganda-with-candy/

In “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” news, several drunken rednecks went wandering in the woods at night with rifles, hoping to murder a mythical yeti. When they saw a what appeared to be a large, bearded human with a blaze orange jacket, they did what any former vice president would do, and shot him.

“What could that human shaped thing in the dark be, if not a bigfoot?”

Yeah, apparently they initially told the 911 dispatcher that he’d been gored by a unicorn in combat but when she expressed doubt, they were forced to tell the truth. They needed a replacement cryptozoological hair for the core of their magic wands.

I also love that the news report ends with the sentence, “It is not yet known if drugs or alcohol played any part in the accident.” For the sake of my faith in humanity, both drugs and alcohol better have played a fucking role in it.

Unfortunately this story does not have a happy ending. In what can only be described as a Darwin Award snub, the wounded sasquatch wrangler is expected to survive.

Man accidentally shot while “hunting bigfoot” with friends: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/three-men-arrested-after-accidental-shooting-during-bigfoot-hunt/

In “Them-merry-gentlemen-are-probably-fags-too” news tonight, greeting card behemoth and indefatigable generator of trivial holidays Hallmark is dodging accusations of homophobia this week after releasing a Christmas ornament that rewrites the lyrics to “Deck the Halls” to take out that offensive reference to assless chaps.

What happened? Did Hallmark find out that “Yuletide Carol” is the name of a trans-gender holiday-themed prostitute on my block? Oh no, obviously … It’s the line before that. It’s gonna say “Don we now our HOMOSEXUAL apparel” to be politically correct.

Close, but actually the sweater shaped ornament has, “Don we now our FUN apparel” written across it, but in Hallmark’s defense, it’s the gayest fucking sweater you can imagine so clearly they don’t hate the gays across the board.

Right and it’s only for the one holiday. It’s like how white people are allowed to use the N-word on Christmas morning. And then Christians are allowed to use homophobic slurs that afternoon. There’s a holiday hate schedule, and it generally works.

A representative for the company explained that the song dates back to the 1880s, way before gay meant having butt sex, adding (quote) “today it has multiple meanings, which we thought could leave out intent open to misinterpretation”. So apparently the representatives for Hallmark think that many of their customers have assumed this whole time that those carollers are singing about anal-beads and strapons.

Certain apparel – gay or straight – was really put in there to be removed.

Hallmark edits Deck the Hall to remove references to butt-sex: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/10/31/hallmark-nixes-gay-from-christmas-carol-on-ornament/

In “Hexa-kosioi-hexe-konta-hexa-phobia” news, the Christianity brainwash process caused a high school cross country runner to drop out of a race. The satanic cult that runs the Whitley County Kentucky school system, insisted that she wear Anti-Christ propaganda in the form of a bib with the # 666, also known as a Beelze-Bib.

Student and amateur biblical numerologist Gina Croley explained her decision by saying (quote), “I didn’t want to risk my relationship with god”

Helped the poor… check.

Kept my commandments… check.

Didn’t mix fibers… check.

Never randomly fell to number six hundred and sixty six in a numerical set… hold on a second!

When asked why she didn’t just flip it to 999, or pencil in a “point one” or a “negative sign”, her church spokesman I made up replied: (quote) “Satan’s not that stupid. And it’s not like this is arbitrary. We hate any homo-digital number that’s equal to the summation of the integers from 1 to the square of that digit.” (end quote) … Fun way to scare Christians away I guess: “Don’t make me add up the numbers on this roulette wheel. I’ll fucking do it. 1010011010 in binary!!! Stay back!!!”

Satan Almost Gets Soul at High School Cross Country Race: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/05/high-school-runner-drops-out-of-regional-race-after-being-assigned-number-666/

Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always for being a part of it.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to reluctantly say penises three times in a single sentence.

Merch Plug:

http://www.cafepress.com/scathingatheist

Welcome back to the Scathing Atheist home-shopping network, America’s number one source for Scathing Atheist logo merchandise. Heath, what’s our next item?

Next up is this lovely Scathing Atheist logo Men’s V-Neck T-Shirt. This 100% soft cotton tee is perfect for beaches, parks, outdoor sporting events… anywhere you normally wear clothes, really. And it’s available in five sizes so you can collect ‘em all!

Because having only clothes that fit you is narrow minded. Now, if I’m not mistaken this T-shirt has been scientifically proven to increase your balance, sexual stamina and white blood cell count, isn’t that right?

Yes, if you’re not mistaken, those things are true.

And how much are we selling these T-shirts for today, Heath?

That’s a great question because I’m sure our listeners have seen similar shirts in Fifth Avenue boutiques selling for hundreds if not millions of dollars, but we have a special indefinite-day-offer where our listeners can get them for one easy payment of only $23.99.

Obviously you misspoke, as the price you quoted is clearly less than a tenth of the value of this amazing upper body garment. I’m sure you didn’t mean “only $23.99”.

No, you heard me right. We’re practically giving these shirts away right now.

That price is far too low for me to believe anything you have to say about this T-shirt so let’s move on to our next item.

Sure. Next up we’ve got a rugged and durable hard plastic Scathing Atheist logo iPhone case with a polished finish.

I have to tell you, that’s so beautiful I’m erect. I’m literally having trouble not dry humping it at this very moment.

I have one inside me right now. This iPhone case has been clinically tested to improve weight loss, regrow hair, improve athletic performance, and nestle comfortably in your duodenum.

And how did those clinical tests come out?

They were brought to completion, as was I, via prostate.

Excellent. You know, that’s such an aesthetically pleasing iPhone case I couldn’t help myself and I bought three of them this morning. And I don’t even own an iPhone.

Well that’s not a problem. We also have them available for iPads, iPad minis, Galaxy phones, Kindles and more.

Yeah, but they don’t all have that beautiful Scathing Atheist logo design on the back do they?

They do.

Wow. That must cost at least $355.

Actually, believe it or not, these phone covers start as low as $20.39.

Holy shit! That’s under $20.40! I’m starting to doubt your integrity.

I get that a lot at these ridiculous prices.

So you’re telling me I can protect my phone from scratches…

That’s right.

Dings…

Mm-hmm.

Scuffs,

Yep.

And drops,

That’s correct.

AND I can proudly display my filthy monkey heritage at the same time?

I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true, but because of a once in a lifetime astronomical convergence, we’re able to offer these state of the art phone and tablet covers for a steal. Like many an eponymous retailer, we’ve gone crazy and started slashing prices!!!

Wow. Who’d have ever thought I could finish all my holiday shopping so quickly. But as amazing as that deal is, I see one problem with it.

What’s that, Noah?

Well, I can already hear listeners at home saying, “I really want that lovely iPhone cover, but I don’t want to cover an iPhone with it so much as I want to cover myself with it. And I don’t want it to be made of hard plastic so much as a poly/cotton blend. And I wish it had a hood.” It’s a shame we don’t have anything for those listeners.

We do.

We do?

Well how about this lovely Scathing Atheist logo pullover hoodie for only $41.99? Or this fitted ladies zipper hoodie for only $32.39?

But what if they don’t have a gym bag to put all this lovely Scathing Atheist logo merchandise in?

Well, I suppose they could add this Scathing Atheist logo water resistant, nylon gym bag to their shopping cart for only $16.19.

Is that the correct price or are you suffering from some rare form of mathematical insanity?

I know, I know, these prices are far too low to be accepted on faith, but you can verify them all by going to cafepress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and you’ll see that my mental faculties are still in working order.

Wow, I suppose I’ll have to log on to that website or check the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com for a handy link immediately.

So will everyone listening, I’m sure.

Well, assuming that all of our listeners are discerning shoppers with a keen sense of value. Oh, and weren’t you saying something about free shipping earlier?

No, I wasn’t.

Bible Story:

“Run gather the young ‘uns, folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!”

(Judges 19)

Gather round boys and girls, today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the most important women in the whole bible. She was so important that the whole nation of Israel went to war over her and all she had to do was get raped to death and dismembered.

We don’t know her name, but we’ll call her Terry. She was a concubine, which is kind of like a combination between a wife and a slave, and one day the man that owned her made her mad so she went home to her parents. After a few months of trying unsuccessfully to lick his own balls, he decided to go get her, because after all, he did own her.

So he went and got her but on the way back to his house they found themselves in a town called Gibeah. They’d never been there before, it was getting dark and they didn’t have anywhere to sleep so they were really scared. But luckily a nice old man came across them and let them stay at his house.

He gave them food and something to drink, but right before they were about to put on their pajamas, there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” the old man asked.

A voice on the other side of the door answered, “A violent rape gang”

Now suddenly everyone got very scared because violent rape gangs like to force their penises into places where you’d rather not have penises and nobody in the house wanted any penises in them.

“What do you want?” the old man asked.

And the violent rape gang answered back, “You brought some man into your house tonight. Send him outside so that we may know him.”

And when they said, “know him”, they meant “fuck him”, and when I say “fuck him”, I mean forcibly penetrate his rectum with their engorged, throbbing cocks. And when I say rectum, I mean butthole.

But the man inside didn’t want to have his butthole forcibly penetrated so he turned to the old man and asked what they could do.

“I don’t know”, the old man said, “They’re not going to go away until they have somebody to violently rape.”

And the man gave a big sigh of relief. He was afraid he would have to be raped, but luckily he had Terri there to get raped for him. So he and the old man pushed her out the door and the violent rape gang went to work violently gang raping her. And that was very rude because the sounds of her being brutally violated to death made it really hard for the other two men to sleep.

Eventually the gang got bored and stopped raping her, so she tried to crawl back to the house, but her intervaginal hemmoraging was too severe so she only made it to the porch before she died.

The next morning her husband (slash) owner got up and rubbed his eyes, ready to finish his journey home. He thanked the old man and then went outside to get his fuck-slave. He saw her laying on the porch and thought that she must be really lazy to still be asleep so late in the morning, so he kicked her a few times to wake her up.

And when he realized she was actually dead, he was extremely annoyed. How was he supposed to fuck her now? So he did the logical thing, he chopped her into little pieces and mailed the bleeding hunks of her body all over the nation so that people could see how mean the people in Gibeah were.

So all the people in Israel decided to end the violence by massacring all the men, women and children that lived in Gibeah, even the ones that didn’t have anything to do with gang-raping Terri.

And pretty much nobody lived happily ever after.

The end.

Outro:

Before we cash the bowl tonight I wanted to congratulate friend of the show Thomas from “Thomas and the Bible” on reaching the 100 episode milestone. If you haven’t checked out his show yet you have to go ahead and do that and when you do, you’ll be happy to know that there are 99 archival episodes to keep you entertained.

I also wanted to remind everyone that I’m always looking for more Farnsworth quotes to open the show. I’ve got a few stockpiled, but I can never have enough so if you have a blog, a podcast or a convention you want to plug, check out the contact page on Scathing Atheist (dot) com and send me some Farnsworth.

Oh, and huge thanks to everybody who listens to the show on Stitcher. We actually cracked the top 10 in our category last week and it’s worth noting that they don’t have an “atheism” category. We’re top ten in all religion and inspirational shows over there so we’re competing with the likes of Joel O’Steen, Joyce Meyers and my archnemesis Creflo Dollar. So thanks again for making that happen and if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher yet, download the free app, check us out and help push us a little higher. After all, if Joel O’Steen’s prosperity gospel is correct and we succeed, that’s proof that god is an atheist.

I need to thank Lucinda for opening and closing the show this week, I need to thank Heath for all the stuff in the middle and, of course, I’ve gotta thank Remy G and yeah, I know that’s a repeat, but the last time we played his Farnsworth quote Facebook shut him down the next day. His Facebook page is back now and better than ever so I figured I should toss him a plug again now that it matters. So once again, the name of the Facebook Page is “Fuck your fucking god, you ignorant blinded dumb fuck” and that really says it all. If you don’t want to type all that shit into the searchbar but you still want to like his page, fear not, there’ll be a link on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/nooneaboveu

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most intellectually sound arguments for the continued existence of our species; Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat. Vinnie, whose brilliance shines so brightly it can only be viewed by poking a hole in a piece of paper and then observing it’s shadow; Karen, whose strength of will is measured in horsepower per second squared; Laura, whose very name strikes fear in the hearts of pirates across the seven seas; Gregory, whose return was prophesied centuries ago by the great seers; April, whose praiseworthiness should really just be a weekly segment on this show; Emily, whose NSA transcripts inspired the Dos Equis ad campaign; Bryan, whose gravitas makes people rethink that long standing “no worldwide imperial dictators” rule; BCD, who kept beta through psi and only let god have those fringe letters and Cat who is a ninja-decimating genius with a giant penis and everything, but would much rather I spent this time wishing a happy belated birthday to his friend and friend of the show Bruce; so Bruce, happy birthday, may there be many more and I hope you celebrated with the traditional baby shaped atheist cake.

These nine noble, soulless individuals have improved the plight of impoverished peoples around the world this week by supporting a message of reason, secularism and fart jokes, also known as giving us money. Not everybody has the deeply forged passion for human excellence required to give us money, but if you think you share Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat’s commitment to hominid longevity, or just want to hear me make a joke about how many ninjas you can kill with your dick, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if that’s too much to ask, we humbly request that you take a few seconds to leave us a glowing review on iTunes, share our stuff wherever you can do that without getting stoned to death and telling your pastor about the show.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, atheism, atheism podcast, atheist, atheist podcast, Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons, Noah Lugeons, religion podcast

Episode 37 Partial Transcript

October 31, 2013 Noah Lugeons 3 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final production due to time constraints.

Warning: This podcast contains language that would make the baby Jesus cry.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Terrorist Surplus Outlet, Jihobby-Lobby. Come on in to a branch near you for all your plastic explosive and multi-colored wire needs.

Mention this ad and get half off those big red digital countdown displays Hollywood directors seem to think people actually put on bombs.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s Halloween,

And it looks like a whole bunch of chickens had abortions last night.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from scantily clad New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

We’ll remind you in advance that deaf people can’t hear the jokes we make about them,
We’ll be one of six programs released today that don’t use any crappy halloween puns,
And we’ll delve elbow deep into the gayest book of the bible so far.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe

I really like to argue online. It’s a largely pointless guilty pleasure and I know that people who post Answers In Genesis inspired memes aren’t doing so in hopes of opening an earnest discussion about faith and philosophy, but I love to do it.

I should point out right up front that I’m talking about arguing, not debating. If somebody wants to have a genuine discussion about their beliefs that’s great, but I’m not your man. Debate is important and I believe that it’s a vital form of atheist outreach and I entrust it to people with more experience and patience than myself.

But when it comes to knock down, drag out, fuck you, no fuck you arguing… not to pat my own back or anything, but that’s kind of where I shine. I don’t think it serves much of a purpose, but damn it if I don’t enjoy the hell out of it.

So the other day I’m surfing through a number of atheism pages on Facebook looking for a troll to crush and I come upon one of the stupidest syllogisms ever offered in this or any other debate. As I marvelled at the stupidity it took to construct this heresy against reason I tried to catalog everything that made it wrong but it seemed like a formula would be needed… or a calculator and a three dimensional chart or something.

So here it is in all it’s stupid glory:

1. Any position which is unfalsifiable is unscientific

2. Atheism is unfalsifiable.

3. Therefore atheism is unscientific.

Where to start, right? So before we get to the reason I’m bringing this up, let me just take care of a few of the fatal flaws here. First of all, atheism isn’t a claim, it’s the rejection of a claim. Egg salad isn’t falsifiable and yet it exists. Atheism doesn’t make any claims, it just rejects really stupid ones with insufficient supporting evidence. So there’s that.

But the far more glaring error here is this inability of theist debaters to recognize the whole meaning of the term “falsifiability”. So let’s pretend for the moment that atheism is me saying “there definitely isn’t a god”. It’s not, but for the moment let’s pretend it is. If you substitute almost any other word for god, it becomes painfully obvious how incredibly “falsifiable” this statement is. “There definitely isn’t Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”

You see them make this same stupid mistake when they talk about evolution. Of course, you and I know all about rabbits in the Cambrian and what-not, but you’ll still hear these foaming-at-the-mouth intellectual bodyguards for Jesus claiming that evolution isn’t falsifiable.

The problem is a complete recognition of what science means about “falsifiability”. We’re talking about the intrinsic quality of falsifiability; theoretical falsifiability. They’re talking about the ability to prove it wrong. They’re actually saying, “Evolution isn’t scientific because I can’t prove it wrong.” They don’t seem to realize that the inability to falsify a theoretically falsifiable statement is the closest damn thing there can possibly be to proof that it is correct. They’re mistaking falsifiable with falsified.

Yes, you can’t falsify evolution… because it’s fucking correct! You can’t falsify atheism… because there’s no fucking god! People have been looking for that elusive bastard for tens of thousands of years at least and still not one shred of credible evidence has arisen to help them out. And yet they’re trying to act like this fatal flaw somehow bolsters their claim.

And as asinine as it seems to me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the people in the “invisible-man-in-another-dimension-whose-ways-are-too-mysterious-for-you-to-comprehend” camp are fuzzy on the concept of falsifiability.

Headlines

Joining me for Headlines tonight is racist satire aficionado, Heath Enwright. Heath, which do you prefer; Asians or whites?

I’m glad you asked . . . I’m going with Asians. I’m uncomfortable with anyone who has “Lee” in their name that isn’t Asian. Lee Iococca, Lee Harvey Oswald, Robert E. Lee … Nothing but trouble.

I don’t know if I agree with that. Ang Lee pisses me off and he’s Asian.

In our lead story tonight, the good old boy network that runs the lucrative South Carlonia Christian soup kitchen sector, continues to thwart the existence of secular morality by refusing to employ volunteer atheist ladlers. And in Onion Headline Form- French Onion Headline Form . . .

“Stewish Mafia Godfather Refuses Atheist Request, Even at Daughter’s Italian Wedding.”

Yeah, so they won’t allow atheists to ladle soup and then they fault them for not doing enough charity work. It’s like justifying an invasion because the country had weapons of mass destruction after spending decades selling them weapons of mass destruction. And you’d have to be an idiot to do that… or vote for somebody who had already done that.

Let’s get straight to it. Lightning Round. 15 seconds on the clock . . .

Religion Brand Soups, GO!

Jew-cumber soup?… no fuck, wait… that’s just Matzah ball soup.

“Schismed Pea with Ham” … or “Crock of Shit, Pee with Ham”

Well we can’t do beans and pasta because God Hates Fagioli…

Shark of the Covenant Fin

Cream of Altar Boy. (known to our Scottish listeners as “Cock-a-leekie”)

Maybe some atheist brands … Manhattan Scam Doubter … Nietzsche-Soise.

Maybe Bouillabaisse-ic logic?

Christianity: Bouillabaissed on a Jew story . . .

Not sure if this fits, but atheist stem cell researchers call their inputs “Egg Drop Soup”

No Soup for you: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/23/south-carolina-soup-kitchen-director-bans-atheist-volunteers-saying-they-would-be-a-disservice-to-this-community/

And in “Did I mention I’m a Monday through Friday Adventist?” news tonight, Christian egotist and person whose name is too goofy for a character in Hunger Games Celestina Mba is suing for the right of all religious people to have days off when god tells them too.

Rabbis work every Saturday, and Priests work every Sunday. Religion’s entire corporate structure breaks that rule every week. What the fuck?!?

And yet she was fired from her job after refusing to work Sundays. After extreme poverty left her apparently unable to buy a vowel, Mba sued.

Not too many black women with MBA at the end of their name.

Ouch… The court ruled on the side of fucking off. Pointing out that fucking off was also against her religion, she appealed the verdict and now seeks to take it to a higher court.

Then she plans on suing the NFL for refusing to hire Christians. I hope they schedule all her court appearances on Sundays for secular spite.

Invoking the bafflingly common Christian mantra of “treating everyone the same discriminates against Christians”, an attorney working on Mba’s behalf points out that the courts allow people to wear religious bracelets and have religious haircuts, so how is that any different than this almost completely unrelated issue?

That’s literally part of their argument. If black people get corn rows, we get Sundays off.

Christian sues for right not to work on Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/24/christian-employee-seeks-appeal-for-refusing-to-work-on-sundays/

And from the “Ears In Heaven, Hell in Keller” file, Pat Robertson explains that being deaf is your mother’s fault, faith healing is like Santa Claus, and only God can heal people. Also, Pat Robertson can heal people.

And barring that, he can say shit that will make you not mind being deaf.

This particular tribute to religion and senility began when the mother of a deaf person asked why prayer wasn’t restoring function to the axons and dendrites in her son’s ears. Robertson – chief auditory neurologist of “The 700 Club” – explained that deaf people’s prayers tend to be badly enunciated. But if the speech-capable mother was praying too, she must be holding the wand wrong or something.

Or perhaps she hadn’t properly arranged the entrails before the bloody altar. Or maybe she forgot to click her heels together three times.

My first instinct tells me she forgot to rebuke the spirit of deafness. Robertson agreed, saying (quote) “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed and so I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” (end quote) You gotta really rebuke it nice and loud. She probably didn’t rebuke loud enough.

This animated cadaver is an endless pipeline of crazy. Every week it’s something even more insultingly stupid than the last. Now he’s claiming that not only can he heal deaf people with a magical incantation but that it has such a high success rate that he’s literally baffled that someone else is unable to do it. We’re talking about a Jesus-level miracle and he’s acting like she can’t reset the time on her phone.

He continued: “Listen up, deaf listeners. Faith healing is just like Santa Claus. He’s got a pack on his back and he has gifts and he’s passing these gifts out but they come from God. Only God can heal people … and also me. And if you really need those ears right away, there’s always a letter to the north pole, or a journey down the yellow brick road to see the wizard.”

Pat Robertson and Jesus could have cured Helen Keller: http://www.christianpost.com/news/pat-robertson-tells-mother-i-dont-know-what-youre-doing-wrong-he-can-cure-deafness-107454/

And in the Pubic Defender file tonight, I was ecstatic this week to find that the following headline and subsequent news item was not from a satire site, “British taxpayers foot three hundred and fifty thousand pound legal bill for Muslim Pubic hair battle”.

350,000 pounds – That’s a lot of pubes.

The story centers around a mentally disabled 30 year old woman and her parent’s two year battle to shave her pubes.

Well we Americans wasted a lot more money than that on our retarded bush problems.

Way better than my stab at ‘W’… well done. So apparently Muslim tradition requires that women shave their pubes, which shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows anything about Muhammad’s child-fucking proclivities. But since their severely handicapped daughter isn’t under their care and the person who is caring for her is a bit uncomfortable about the idea of two adults she doesn’t know making aesthetic changes to her genital region, they took it to court.

Isn’t this just a simple case of what man owns her?

Well we’ll never know because days before the scheduled hearing, after hundreds of thousands of dollars had been spent preparing for the case, the parents unexpectedly dropped the suit leading to one of the greatest understatements in legal history. Justice Roderic Wood who pointed out that (quote) “…there are many competing cases of equal if not greater urgency than this one.”

Yeah, there’s an Orthodox Jew with Tourette’s who wants to bleach her asshole.

Muslim parents sue for right to shave their retarded daughter’s pubes: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/10396170/Taxpayers-foot-350k-legal-bill-for-Muslim-pubic-hair-battle.html

And in “What’s the worst that could… How did we do an entire story about religious people and their pubes, without an Occam’s Razor joke?!?

We’re losing our… edge? Shit… I guess that lame joke is exhibit B.

And in “What’s the worst that could happen?” news, a twelve-year-old girl hanged herself to be with her dead father in heaven, only to find out she forgot to read the fine print about suicide, and now she’s either in hell, or just normal secular dead.

True story: Friend of the show Eli Bosnick posted this story on his Facebook wall and some Christian asshat comes back and says, “Well if somebody had told her suicide was a mortal sin, this never would have happened.” Yeah… that’s the metaphysical fuck up here. But Eli posed the right question. If you honestly think she’s in Heaven now, didn’t she do the right thing? And if you honestly think that your god would stick this little girl in hell, why would you praise him?

Every parent needs to know about an important principle. It’s bad to kill your child with lies … AND … it’s also bad to kill them with truths. Lacsap’s Wager tells us that even if you believe in the afterlife, you might as well teach your children about reality, just to be sure they don’t hang themselves. Decomposing in a box next to daddy, isn’t nearly as glamorous as the express escalator to heaven.

That kid is back on the escalator to heaven: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/27/to-be-with-her-father-in-heaven-girl-12-commits-suicide/

Man am I glad that story’s over. And finally tonight, in “We put the organ in organic” news, a website that doesn’t remotely seem like a credible news source is reporting that the Hasidic yeshiva of Gur has banned students from eating soy-based products, fearing soy might lead to gay sex.

Fossilized human remains in Asia show that people were using edamame as anal beads . . . Or possibly just eating edamame. Point being, Jew rules about gays aren’t an exact science. They kind of just spray at the wall and see what sticks.

Officials at the school warn that even one soy based product a week can lead to unwanted arousal, which goes a long way toward explaining Japanese porn. They warn that soy contains magical circle-jerk hormones.

Which is true, if graded on a Hasidic Rabbi bullshit curve.

Rabbi bans soy because it may cause gay sex: http://www.yourjewishnews.com/2013/10/n29787.html?m=1

That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.

All this nihilism is exhausting.

And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in wishing that god appreciated word economy.

Poem

I read One Samuel and the whole time I was thinking to myself, “hey, this should make for a pretty easy poem. It tells a linear story, it makes sense, there’s a cornucopia of characters, a lot of shit rhymes with Sam and Saul…”

So I guess that it shouldn’t have surprised me at all that somebody already wrote a perfectly good poem about this particular book of the bible and far be it from me to try to outdo a master of the poetic arts. So with apologies to the original author, I present to you… 1 Samuel:

I am Sam.

Sam I am.

That Sam-I-am!

Do you like the Philistines?

I do not like those Philistines,

For god has said they are unclean,

I want to do things really mean,

To every single Philistine.

Would you like them Here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I thought that god had made it clear,

We should take to them the sword and spear.

We should slaughter each one like a lamb,

Because I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

Would you like them in a house?

We should burn them in their house,

We should plague them with a mouse.

We should kill each child and spouse,

And treat them like a pubic louse.

We should catch their sheep and goats,

Kill their herds and burn their boats,

We should do what god denotes,

And slit their motherfucking throats.

I do not give a tinker’s damn,

I just don’t like them, Sam-I-Am.

Would you like them in a box?

Well sure, as long as that thing locks.

Plague them with a burning pox,

Feed them to a hungry fox,

With their normal, human, uncut cocks.

Would you like them with a van?

Am I mincing words here, man?

I would not like them in a van.

I would not like them in a can.

I despise each member of their clan.

I would not like them in a house,

I would not like them with a mouse,

I would not like them with a fox,

I would not like them wearing socks,

I would not like them in the night,

I would not like them in the light,

In no death would I find more delight…

Except for those Amalekites.

Babble

By far the most interesting book so far in the bible, 1 Samuel employs things like wordplay, foreshadowing, story arch

…and gay sex…

in a way that has been lacking since the last few chapters of Genesis. And while the story is still horrible and largely immoral, it’s a much better read than the shit we’ve waded through to get here.

Yeah against all odds, they manage to limbo under the St. Louis Gateway Arch

So to help us break down yet another 66th of this book is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

Hi ya!

Why don’t you start us off with… let’s say Chapter one.

First we meet Hannah, whose husband Elkanah preferred her to his other wife even though his other wife had kids.
1. Right. So she prays to god to have a son (because fuck daughters) and promises if god will grant her a son, she’ll give him to the priesthood. So basically she wanted all the fun of childbirth without tedium of having an offspring.
2. So god does and she does and this kid is the titular Samuel.
So little Sam ends up ministering with Phineas and Ferb, the sons of Eli..
1. Phineas and Hophni
2. That’s what I said. Anyway, these guys are really shitty priests that abuse their power and god’s only willing to overlook that shit for so long.
3. At least one century in the case of Catholic pedophiles.

I thought the first rabbi to start signing tits was Matisyahu, but apparently these guys had ethnic groupies way back. And what’s the point in running a tabernacle, if you can’t fuck the sluts that work the front door, right? Eli gets mad, and yells at his sons: “This isn’t a restaurant…You don’t fuck the barely legal hostesses. What did we just talk about?!?”

–
Then the Philistines show up and attack because that’s what Philistines do. The Jews get their asses kicked and they’re all like, “Hey, why you reckon god would have let them kick our asses like that?”
1. So to find out they order that the Ark of the Covenant be brought to the battlefield so they could walkie-talkie heaven for help. But then the Philistines just say, “Hey, look, it’s a box with god in it. Kill them and take it.” And then do.
2. Phineas and Ferb die in the battle and when Eli hears about that he says, “meh…” but then the messenger says, “Oh yeah, and they took Indiana Jones’ box, too” he freaks out, falls over and breaks his neck.
3. And Phineas’ wife hears about everybody dying and the godbox going missing so she freaks out, shits out the kid she’d been baking and dies too.
So they take the ark to Ashdod and put it in the temple next to a statue of their god; god decapitates the statue, gives them some cancer, you know, normal god stuff.
1. And for seven months they keep taking it to this city or that one and every time they do everybody gets cancer or something and they move it again.

Little did they know, the Jews switched the God-Box, for a box of weapons-grade plutonium they got from the Ralien Lizard-People during the redacted book after Leviticus, rumoured to be called Atomic Numbers.

So the Philistines call up the Jews and say, “Here take your fucking box back already, this shit sucks.”
1. But the Jews won’t just take it back and lift the curse or anything. They start going all “Knights that say Neek” on them and ask for… I shit you not… five golden mice and five golden tumors. TUMORS! They ask them to make molds of their tumors and cover them in gold or god won’t lift his curse.

“And not too expensive, but the following items must be covered in gold. We want five gilded lillies- shit no that feels like a mistake. Five . . . mice . . . and five . . . malignant tumors this time, you cheaters.”

Then they get the ark back and everyone rejoices.
Then all the people show up begging Samuel to appoint a king. Because, you know, people are always wanting to be ruled over by tyrants.
1. And Samuel tries to talk them out of it. “He’ll be a dick and he’ll take their cattle and their slaves and all their best stuff and he’ll march them out to die in battle for him.”
2. And the people are like, “Yeah, that’s cool. We just really, really want a dictator, who will later control how history records this moment in time.”
Now we meet Saul who is supremely qualified to be a king since he’s both tall and handsome.

I’ve always said I’d rule the Jews well. I’m at least half qualified.

So Saul is wandering around all of Israel looking for his dad’s donkeys when he runs into Samuel, who makes him king in full blown “Kung Fu Panda” style.
The “King of Israel can’t find his ass with both hands” joke is too easy, huh?

So Sammy boy announces Sauls king-ness and everybody says, “Well, sure… he’s tall.”

This chapter gets pretty gay pretty fast. Starts out with Samuel pouring oil on Saul while they make out. Then Samuel tells Saul to go meet two men in a graveyard who will give up those asses he’s been searching for. Just say, “I’m Saul, and I’m here to trap that ass.” And then it ends with Saul’s disappointed dad saying, “What shall I do about my son?” … Just another gay in the life.

And then chapter 10 closes off with a quick “Meanwhile” aside: Meanwhile, there was an evil Ammonite king that was gouging out the right eye of all the Reubenites and Gadites.

Then the Ammonite king attacks Jabesh-Gilead and the people try to make peace with him and they say “Alright, evil king, what are your terms?” and he replies, “I want to poke all of your right eyes out. It’s kind of my thing.” So they think about it and say, “Give us a week.”
1. And when Saul hears about this, he gets so pissed he hacks his oxen to death and then mails chunks of them around the country because, as we’ve seen before, chopped up bits of dead thing sent UPS is the best way to rally Jews.

Some of the Jews must have got the package late though, right? Guy walks into the kitchen with his right eye in his hand: “Honey, did you forget to give me this decomposing hoof we got in the mail yesterday? Cause I thought we all agreed to the gouge plan, and here I can plainly half-see that you still have both your eyes. Kind of an important message.”

So they defeat the Ammonite king that seems to have shown up for no reason but to give Saul an ass to kick.

So here’s Chapter 12 in nine words: “Whose house? God’s house! Said whose house? God’s house!”
So now Saul is feeling big-dicked so he says, fuck it, let’s wipe out all the Philistines, which would have been fine, but he fucked up some ritual animal slaughter minutia so god abandoned him.
And just when you’re thinking, “Hey, this book isn’t too bad”, chapter 14 brings us more genocide and some divine retribution for honey eating.
1. Yeah. It all starts when Saul’s son Jonathon and his gay lover provoke a war.
2. But Saul curses anyone who eats that day and nobody tells Johnny, so he eats a drop of honey (off the spear he’s been killing people with) and for that he’s sentenced to (almost) die… Then the army feasts on sheep sushi.
In chapter 15 god puts that whole “all-knowing” thing to rest once and for all when he starts regretting making Saul king.
1. Right, and why does he regret it? Because when he tells Saul to wipe out all the Amalekites, he keeps a few of the cattle alive. And that’s the last straw dammit.
No surprise that Saul isn’t exactly anxious to give back supreme authority so he tells Samuel to fuck off. Then god commands Samuel to go find David and anoint him king.
1. So now Saul’s tormented by evil spirits and his servants say, “You know what helps with evil spirits? Lyre-playing. And you know who absolutely wails on a lyre? David.” Coincidence, or terrible literary foreshadowing?

David could finger a liar better than Martha Stewart’s cell mate. Better than Lance Armstrong’s giving himself a steroid suppository. He could finger a liar better than a Jewish witness at the Nuremberg Trials.

David goes to pluck Saul’s lyre and apparently he’s quite nimble indeed so Saul keeps him on to (ahem) carry his armor, wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more.
Well if you mean “make David his gay sex slave that he would later share with his son and daughter”, then yes, I know exactly what you mean.

Then we get David and Goliath, where, spoiler alert, David kills Goliath with a slingshot. And even though you know exactly what’s coming, it still manages to disappoint you. They spend 40 days throwing down epic biblical shit talk and then David pulls his pansy-assed Dennis the Menace coup de grace.
Now Saul’s worried that David will take his job, so he makes him his right hand man, tries to spear him a couple times, sells him his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins and asks his son Jonathan to kill him.

You always hear people using the phrase “back of dicks” rhetorically. But at some point this guy was very literally carrying a fairly sizable bag of dicks. Because David got cocky, and came back with two hundred foreskins. Probably grabbed entire dicks first, then did the individual brisses later.
“This is only 199.” … “Those 2 are stuck together.”

Meanwhile, David’s kicking ass left and right. His armies are whipping way more Philistine ass than anybody else’s so Saul gets even more jealous…

Yeah they even wrote a song about how David was an order of magnitude better at genocide than Saul. Nobody likes to hear they’re less good at murdering other races, by such a large margin.

So after the third or fourth time Saul tries to spear David, he says “You know, I think this guy who keeps lunging at me spear first is trying to kill me,” and he escapes.
So he finds Samuel and they get together and cast some kind of frenetic nakedness spell so that anybody who tries to come to get David strips and falls into a “prophetic frenzy”… not sure what that means, but it sounds fun.

In chapter 20 I’m pretty sure we confirm that David and Saul’s son Jonathan were gay lovers, just in case the butt sex scenes were ambiguous.
So David finds a priest and asks him for some bread. He says he doesn’t have normal bread, but he does have a little magical abstinence bread.

“Hello random Zelda apothecary, selling exactly the items I might need. Got any food for celibate fugitives, and maybe a mythical weapon, ideally formerly owned by my legendary vanquished nemesis? You have Honzo swords too? Wicked!”

So David gathers an army of 400 malcontents and then Saul kills some priests.
Chapter 23 is basically a montage episode. Saul continues to be an asshole, still trying to kill David for banging his son. Also, David bangs his son again.
So David and his men are hiding in a cave. Saul and his men are closing in on them. Saul steps into a cave to take a shit and it just so happens to be the cave David and his men are in.
1. Yeah, but David can’t bring himself to kill Saul because he loves him so much, so he just fires his gun in the air and goes “Argh!”… or the biblical equivalent thereof.

What kind of crazy intense shit was he taking, that he didn’t notice another entire human being standing next to him, sawing off a square of his clothing?!?

And then Samuel dies. There’s still 6 chapters and a whole other book named after this dude, and he doesn’t even have the decency to live through them.
1. Then David sends his men to some rich dude to ask for bread. He tells them to fuck off so David has god kill him and then he takes the dude’s wife.
2. …and another wife. Plus he already had a wife.

And Saul makes a feeble attempt at spiting David: “You think you can fuck me, fuck my son, then buy my daughter for a bag of dicks? Well I sold her to another dude while you were gone, and I’m keeping the dicks as a security deposit.”

And in 26 we learn that the authors liked chapter 24 so much that they did it again two chapters later… and in a field instead of a cave. And Saul was sleeping instead of shitting. But other than that it’s the same.

Yeah, David’s supposed to be the protagonist here, but he’s making the mistakes of a Bond villain … or Daffy Duck. Shoot him now or wait till you get home?!? Always shoot him now! Otherwise chapter 27 happens, and that’s the last thing a Jewish guy wants to do.

Chapter 27: David hides in Palestine for 16 months…
Then the Philistines amass a huge army, Saul all like, “God, what do I do?” but God won’t answer or return his texts or anything.
1. And then we get our first biblical seance, which, if I’m not mistaken and I probably am, is the first real mention of an afterlife in this whole book. Strange that it wouldn’t have been an emphasis to this point…
2. Yeah, you knew Samuel was gonna Obi-Wan Kenobi his way back into the story.
3. Right, so the ghost of Sammy boy shows up to tell Saul he’s fucked.
–
Then you get some Typical bible stuff . . . Rape, plunder, evil Amalekites, village pillaged, so everyone’s pissed and starts yelling at David. He says, “Everybody shut up, I know what to do. Bring me . . . The Prayer Smock.” So he wears the ephod apron thing, and god tells him they’ll succeed in recovering their rape victims, and might even get some 50 shekel checks out of the whole ordeal.
And in the proto-Empire Strikes Back ending, this book wraps up with Saul falling in battle along with all his heirs, the Israelite armies getting massacred and the promised land falling into enemy hands.

Damn do I hope 2 Samuel doesn’t have Ewoks.

Well I guess we’ll find out that and more on the next installment of “The Holy Babble”. Until then, thanks again Heath, Lucinda.

Outro

Before we put a lid on this thing tonight, I wanted to make a quick announcement that should be accompanied by a chorus of angelic trumpets, we did get the CafePress shop up and running this weekend. It’s a little messy in there but when I find some time this weekend we’ll be getting it organized. We’ve got the lovely scarlet A logo slapped on everything from Tshirts to iPhone covers to shot glasses to Christmas ornaments to bumper stickers so you can show your filthy monkey heritage with pride. We’ll be adding new products and t-shirt designs throughout the season so be on the look out for that.

You’ll find a link to our online shop on the homepage or you can cut out the middleman and go straight to “CafePress (dot) com (slash) scathingatheist”.

I also wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s calendar section. I mentioned the upcoming and stupendously awesome Skepticon but I said it was going to be in Springfield, Illinois. I fucked that up. It’s Springfield, Missouri, not Springfield Illinois… it’s also not Springfield, Florida or Springfield, Kentucky. Or Springfield, South Dakota. Or Springfield, Oregon, Tennessee, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio, Georgia, Massachusetts or Nebraska, all of which actually exist but aren’t the city where Skepticon 6 is going to be. It’ll be in Springfield, Missouri, so know your Springfields and sorry that I didn’t.

I also wanted to add a quick addition to last week’s calendar if you’re going to be in the San Antonio area on November 12th you can catch Executive Director of the Council for Secular Humanism Tom Flynn at an event sponsored by the San Antonio Coalition of Reason and the Freethought Association of Central Texas (great acronym, by the way). You’ll find links to the the event page on the shownotes for this episode.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Freethinkers-Association-of-Central-Texas/146015608750987?ref=ts&fref=ts

Need to very quickly thank the many people who make this podcast possible every week. Huge thanks to Heath, Lucinda and, of course, Sam for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.

Oh, and a huge thanks to everybody who Tweeted (at) Ricky Gervais trying to get a Farnsworth quote out of him. No response yet, but keep up the good work. You’ll be rewarded for it in the no-afterlife.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most irreplaceable expressions of genetic code, Michael, Mike, Josh, Ryan and Matthew. Michael, whose blood is so pure mosquitoes cut it with baking soda; Mike, whose mind is so sharp it splits neutrinos; Josh, whose wisdom is so great that he reeled at the thought of splitting neutrinos; Ryan, whose penis is so massive it bends light and Matthew, whose confidence is so great he doesn’t need any of my over-the-top platitudes.

These five fine fellow freethinkers have gone above and beyond the high water mark of human decency this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the compassion, the integrity and the raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you can handle the enormous pressure such heroic acts often entail, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And you should really donate because we just found out our cat has diabetes and Lucinda’s pretty bummed about it and people giving her money makes her happy.

And unfortunately we’re out of time so I can’t remind you to give the show a 5 star review on iTunes, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on You-Tube, listen to us on Stitcher and tell your friends about us, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have time to tell you that stuff next week.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: 1 Samuel, atheism, atheism podcast, atheist, atheist podcast, biblical poetry, Celestina Mba, Heath Enwright, Pat Robertson, Samuel poem

Episode 36 – Partial Transcript

October 24, 2013 Noah Lugeons 6 comments

By Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the final program due to time constraints)

Warning: This podcast contains explicit, fiendish, naughty, dirty, filthy, filthy, filthy language.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Little Boys Blew E-Cig: The pole smoking cessation device for Christian gays who want to quit. Pecker-Gonomically shaped to replace the cock-in-mouth satisfaction of the habit . . . without the bad taste, the tar going down your throat, or the secondhand pole-smoke eye irritation.

Here’s a testimonial from a real recovering gay:

“I smoke my Little Boys Blew pole everyday, and now I don’t need Nick – a teen I used to blow.”

Little Boys Blew E-Cigs: Proudly giving little boys blue balls since 2012.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s October 24th,

And children, sluts, and gays have only seven days left to shop for clothes in the same store.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from genetically dominant New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode

We learn that Texas would make a great electoral college dropout.
The Tea Party files suit against a gaggle of gay rhesus monkeys.
And we’ll take an in depth look, at the last of three bullet points.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe:

What I wouldn’t have given to have been sitting across from Oprah when she said it. If I could have possessed Diana Nyad’s brain for five quick minutes Oprah would never need another fad diet again cause I’d have torn that fat bitch a new asshole so big she could pass a whole turkey. I feel like Travolta in Pulp Fiction: It would’ve been worth her saying it, just so I could have been there to answer it.

Now, before I go any further, let me take a minute to explain the situation to the six atheists that haven’t heard it yet. Oprah, as you may know, is a vile, contemptible, immoral, melon-headed scut. She’s made billions by shilling for every pseudo-scientific snakeoil salesman she can find, she gives demonstrably incorrect medical advice to the least educated people in our society and she pretends to be a philanthropist when companies donate shit to her audience.

But she’s a Christian. Because there’s nothing in the bible against pilfering from the poor and lying, is there? And what’s more, she one of those bitchy, holier-than-thou, high and mighty Christians with superiority complexes. I believe the technical term for those type of Christians is “Christians”.

So last week she’s interviewing Diana Nyad, who is an exceptional human being in pretty much anyway you care to define “exceptional”. She’s the one that recently became the first woman to swim from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage and she did it at age 64. And this is only the latest in a long list of incredible shit she’s done in her life. She swam all the way around the island of Manhattan and was the first woman to ever swim from Bermuda to Florida. And she’s an atheist.

Oprah has her own television channel now because what’s the point in making the money if you can’t piss it all away in an ill-advised hyper-self-indulgent debacle of a business strategy? And among the many shows nobody’s watching over there is Oprah’s “Super Soul Sunday”.

Now, as you can tell from the witless pun in the title, it’s a show about faith. So Oprah doesn’t take long to broach the subject. In the opening minutes of the interview she points out that Nyad identifies herself as an atheist.

Nyad launches immediately into that semi-apologetic “I’m an atheist but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends” response. I hate hearing this crap, but I understand why so many prominent atheists say it. She’s basically saying, “I don’t believe in your fairy tales, but it’s okay if you do.” It’s basically a cultural necessity in this country, which is a sad damn shame. There’s no other demographic of belief that feels obligated to publicly apologize for existing, but that’s ‘Murica for you.

Anyway, she’s in the middle of saying something along the lines of, “I’m an atheist, but when I sit on a beach with my Christian and Muslim and Buddhist friends and we all look up in to the night sky, we all share the same awe and wonder and appreciation for the universe and for all the people that came before us and are yet to come.” But she can’t get all the way through it, because Oprah has gone 42 consecutive seconds without bloviating and that’s her limit.

So as soon as Nyad starts talking about awe and wonder, Oprah cuts in with an interjection that was all but scientifically-formulated to be maximally condescending. “Well then I don’t consider you an atheist” she says. “If you believe in the awe and the wonder, then I don’t consider you an atheist.”

Now, Nyad was as political as possible and handled herself well. Not that it would have taken a Herculean effort to highlight what a derogatory bitch Oprah was being there, but Nyad did fine. She killed her with kindness and that was probably the smartest way to handle it. That being said, I’d have gone another way.

When Oprah said, “Well I don’t consider you an atheist, then,” I’d have answered back with, “Well if you think women should be allowed to speak in public I don’t consider you a Christian, but luckily all that matters is what you consider yourself.”

But it got worse. Nyad admitted that, hey, maybe she was wrong. And rather than concede that she, too, could be wrong, Oprah agreed that yes, Diana Nyad might be wrong. And then she went on to explain how distressing that was going to be when she died and burned for eternity in hell.

And to her credit Nyad played along. I’d probably have answered back with something like, “Yeah, but I suppose it’s just as likely that you and I will both be standing in front of Allah or Ganesha or some long-forgotten Irish Pagan god and we’re both fucked, but most likely none of these prehistoric civilizations were able to circumvent centuries of scientific research and chance upon an unverifiable truth about the origins of the cosmos by sitting around on mushrooms and staring into a fucking bonfire.”

I’ve already talked plenty about the awe of atheism on this show so I don’t want to rehash is all here, but I will say this: When I look up at the sky I see billions of years of stellar transformation. When Oprah looks up at the sky she sees a wizard who likes shiny lights. When I look at my hand I see trillions of generations of evolution that connect me to every organism that lives or has ever lived. When Oprah looks at her hand she sees a wizard who needed something that would fit around the banana. When I look at the mountains I see a complex and exciting geological history writ large before me. She sees a wizard who figured earth wasn’t lumpy enough.

As atheists, we stand in awe of a lot of things… but perhaps the thing I’m most in awe of is the stupidity it takes to look past the entire universe of things that actually exist and stand in awe of something that doesn’t.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is a man whose liver can convert scotch to creatine, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to enhance your performance with performance impairing drugs?

Cheers, bitches! Let’s do this!

In our lead story tonight Scientology is bullshit. France’s highest court confirmed as much when recently upholding a 2009 fraud conviction that indicted the church’s French branch, it’s bookstore and five of it’s leaders.

They have a fucking bookstore?!? What’s it called . . . Borders on Insanity?

The church was sued for pressuring their members to pay vast quantities of money to have invisible alien souls removed from their aura. And while the church does not deny that they were pressuring recruits to pay for said alien soul removals, they still appealed the conviction on the grounds that they’d rather not talk about the invisible-alien-soul thing.

How did Christianity, Judaism, Islam, et al manage to avoid similar convictions?

They were grandfathered in. Calling the decision (quote) “an affront to justice and religious liberty”, Scientology’s head whackaloon accused the French government of (quote) “anti-religious extremism”. He even said that they would have officially change the name of fried potato wedges in their cafeteria to “freedom fries” except that would be stupid.

Instead of fries, you can also get the tossed salad, ordered by saying: “Freedom kiss my ass.” Jelly and syrup optional.

Speaking of eating ass with jelly in it, the French court sentenced the church and its affiliated bookstore more than three-quarters of million dollars in fines for what they plainly labeled as “organized fraud”. In an unrelated story, those thetans were a little bigger than we thought they’d be, you know, and the wiring’s shot… so it’s probably gonna be a couple hundred more than we talked about to, you know, relieve you of your engrams.

Scientology fraud conviction upheld: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/16/scientology-fraud-france_n_4108668.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And in “Of Fucking Course They Did” news, Secular Humanism recently shat all over Christianity in a debate, as one might imagine. The question was: “What provides a better foundation for civil society: Christianity or Secular Humanism?” Turns out … despite being in an old book … rape, genocide, slavery, homophobia, and misogyny are generally bad for civil society, so Christianity loses.

I hear this was the latest in a series of debates that included, “Which provides a more accurate depiction of anatomy; McGraw-Hill’s “A Textbook of Human Biology” or Milton Bradley’s Operation™?” and “What would you rather have on your scrotum, Kiera Knightley or flesh eating termites?”

Sociology professor Dr. Phil Zuckerman represented the anti-rape, anti-genocide, anti-slavery, pro-anal, anti-misogyny Secular Humanist position. Dr. David Marshall argued pro-those-things … and anti-anal. Zuckerman won within the first minute when he and his opponent both submitted the Bible as Exhibit A.

“We ask that the audience kindly disregard everything except John 3:16 and the rear cover”

Adventure Christian Church – the California mega-church that foolishly hosted and filmed the religion-embarrassing event – is refusing to release the tape, despite having promised Zuckerman the results would be publicized. Zuckerman pointed out they were caught with their pants around their ankles, and that those pants were on fire, and demanded an explanation. Pastor Bryan Hardwick responded, (quote) “It just didn’t go the way we wanted it to go. We were not represented well. So our publicists advised us to destroy something called the ‘EE..VID…DEN…SEE’. And after they explained that meant the tape, we destroyed the tape.”

Christianity loses debate and refuses to release tape: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/20/after-christian-loses-to-atheist-in-a-debate-the-church-that-sponsored-the-event-wont-release-the-video/

And in “No, I really could eat a horse, it says so right here” news tonight, a group of Syrian clerics have expanded the acceptable sources of sustenance to starving citizens to include dogs, cats and donkeys. Curiously the fatwa stopped short of authorizing people to eat “whatever the fuck they had to to not starve!” Seriously. Bacon is still off the fucking menu.

The news coverage shows these tragic scenes in Syria . . . Mountains of corpses with big piles of atheist air-dropped bacon sitting right there next to them. It’s hard to watch.

Now, I kind of want to tread lightly here, because there is some massively horrible shit going on in Syria and people are starving and there’s nothing funny about starving people unless there’s a lot of them in a phone booth or a tiny car or something, but the audacity of a religious leader telling people “Yeah, it’s okay to eat the dog now” when people are already burping up hairballs and the collar is still worth noting.

Say what you will about groups of starving people and Latinos, but they do indeed look funny all jammed into that one clown car.

To the clerics credit, the fatwa was meant to draw attention to the plight of the Syrian people, warning that if things get much worse, the living might be forced to eat the Denny’s.

“Moons Over My Hamas” would finally become popular . . .

Okay as we often do, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock: Menu Items at the Muslim Denny’s. Go!

Arab Spring Rolls

The Hot Mohamm-and Cheese

Fettucine Allah-Fredo

I could go for a turban-ana split.

Belgian Fatwaffles … with a Hijack and Coke

Followed by a Martyr-imisu for desert.

Capitalist Pigs in a Blanket

I was thinking Pigs in a Burka, but okay…

Jihad Boiled Eggs… or no, Sunni Side Up

Gitmos Rancheros?

Rib-Eye-E-D

If we’re going steak, I prefer Gaza-Strip.

Hash Browns is already a derogatory term for Arabs, right? If it’s not, I call it.

Muslims decide it’s okay for starving Syrians to eat dogs: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-24532793

And moving on to “Ass Holy Land” news, the new Mecca of homosexuality is surprisingly close to Mecca. The State of Kuwait finally noticed all the gays we Americans smuggled in, while storming and subsequently shielding their desert. The ungrateful Kuwaiti government we installed, has responded by developing highly advanced gaydar technology, with plans to screen out homosexuals at their borders.

“Not gay, huh? Okay, Mocha, champagne, chartreuse. Colors or beverages? Quickly now!”

The ass-crack security squad will be aided by genital sniffing dogs that can detect that “gay sex smell” up to 72 hours later.

Common misconception. They’re not smelling the gay sex, they’re smelling the resulting santorum.

And they’re eating it up. In addition, Kuwait will employ geneticists that can tell from your DNA, if your biological parents are indeed a same-sex couple. Furthermore, anyone displaying clothing with several colors of the visible light spectrum, or anyone stylishly coordinating a single color of said spectrum, will be executed on the spot. It may sound crazy, but gay people really do dress like that.

My total lack of color coordination is one of the two main reasons I’d be terrible at homosexuality. The other being that I gag when I brush my tongue.

Now I wouldn’t normally do this, but I’d like to make a joke about Muslims here . . . Nevermind, I’ve got nothing. So I’ll just genuinely describe their final method of homosexual detection. Taking a cue from the Salem Witch Trials, all suspected gays will be shackled and thrown into a river. If they drown, they’re safe, and have conveniently already received a proper Muslim burial. But if they float, they’ll be denied entry for being too flam-buoyant.

Kuwait gets national gaydar technology: http://www.newsweek.com/kuwait-plans-medical-test-identify-and-ban-gays-569

And in “Isn’t the fact that you believe we’ll burn in horrible torment for eternity enough?” news tonight, the American Atheist Organization has hit a stumbling block in their efforts to promote their upcoming 2014 Convention in Salt Lake City. The stumbling block? Salt Lake City.

Nobody wants a bunch of atheists – with long, evolved genitalia – coming to town for the weekend, and fucking their wives. We’re hung a lot better than Jesus.

Now as I count it, there are at least 7 companies renting billboards in the Salt Lake area and at least seven of them have rejected American Atheist’s ads for being too offensive. One company actually rejected the ads with an explanation that they reserved the right to reject ads that they (quote) “find to be misleading, deceptive or offensive…”

So you’re telling me Matt Stone and Trey Parker had to publicize their Tony Award-winning, broadway musical homage to Mormonism, without any help from billboards in the MoMo Mothers Land?

Must have. And lest you allow an image of Satan skull-fucking the Virgin Mary to color your opinion of the news story, we should point out that basically the only factual claim being made on these billboards is “Atheists: We aren’t nonexistent”. When asked if there were changes they could make to the ads to meet the companies standards, officials replied, “no, it’s your existence that offends us.”

And that’s why we put the convention in Utah . . .

Offend people with “Atheists Aren’t Not” campaign . . . Check.

American Atheists to hold convention in Salt Lake City, no billboard company will rent to them: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/18/these-atheist-billboards-were-deemed-too-controversial-for-salt-lake-city-utah/

And in “I thought the blacks gave us AIDS” news, it wasn’t the blacks, it was the gays . . . at least according to Tea Party leader and former Baptist pastor Rick Scarborough. We will circle back to that, I promise, but first, I’ve gotta say . . . I fucking love this story!!! You’ve got potential for AIDS jokes, gay jokes, and Tea Party jokes … which is like the holy trinity of scathingly atheist podcast headline stories. Plus black jokes – It’s the holy quartet of that stuff.

So a black guy, a gay guy and an AIDS patient walk into a tea party…

Barista says “Get the fuck out of here!” . . . or “Oh what a lovely tea party” . . .

This tale of bigotry starts in an unexpected place. At a Tea Party unity event, homophobia champion Peter LaBarbera suggested to Scarborough that FOX News and NatGeo should devote more coverage to interesting rare species like ex-gays and black Republicans, also known as Aunt and Uncle Toms, respectively and disrespectfully.

And while we’re at it, where are all the stories about transgendered, evangelical, inuit potato barons and black people that tip?

Scarborough then made the obvious segue to the idea that there should be a class action lawsuit against homosexuals for making god mad, and forcing him to rain sulfur and AIDS on us. To justify this plan, the former pastor said the following, out loud: (quote) “Homosexuality much more likely leads to AIDS, than smoking leads to cancer.”

This whole conversation was a Russian nesting doll of insanity. I shit you not, every time I thought we’d reached the lowest stratum, they would peel back one more layer of psychological guano and take us deeper into the dank and labyrinthine dungeon that is the ultra-conservative mind. Two seemingly conscious human beings are sitting there talking about suing… what, suing earth for spawning the queers? And THEN it gets crazy!!!

LaBarbera agreed he would love to see such a law suit, although he lamented the lack of a perfect infected poster child for the cause, saying (quote) “We always wanted to see one of the kid in high school who was counseled by the official school counselor to just be gay, then he comes down with HIV. But we never really got the client for that.” How unfortunate for the Tea Party that a guidance counselor didn’t idea murder a gay student yet.

Tea Party leader proposes class action lawsuit against homosexuality: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/10/18/tea-party-leader-proposes-class-action-lawsuit-against-homosexuality/

And in “gold-plated gold plates” news, Vatican officials the world over are asking Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst why he couldn’t have built a more modest gilded palace. The complaints center around a renovation to the Bishop’s palace that was originally estimated to cost an already obscene 3 million euros, but eventually ballooned to an amount more than 31 million euros, or 261,519 kids not starving to death in a given year.

And speaking of starving kids, this is not the first time Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst has been accused of having a lifestyle as stupidly extravagant as his name. Last year a magazine article pointed out that when he went to visit starving kids in India, he took a first class flight, costing a thousand euro, or 8 dead kids, plus a ninth kid about 40% dead. Then he lied about it in sworn affidavits, which led to legal fees of about fifteen thousand euro. This meant murdering 126 more kids, which – in his defense – is a nice round number … but still.

When asked how he thought Jesus would feel about his ostentatious lifestyle, the gold-plated bishop pointed out that he’d also invested millions in genetically engineering really tiny camels.

German Bishop builds palace fit for an Prosperity Gospel preacher: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/10/catholic-bishop-spends-lavishly-palace

And that’s gonna do it for headlines, Heath, thanks as always.

Blasphemy sign off…

And when we come back we’ll be the same… but different.

Calendar:

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly minute we set aside to bring you up to speed on all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world.

We have a lot to talk about this week so we’ll have to move quick. We’re gonna start in America’s penis, Florida. On the weekend of November 2nd the Florida Freethought Conference in Orlando will be welcoming in James Randi, Dale McGowan, DJ Grothe, Darrel Ray and more.

http://floridahumanist.org/freethought-conference/

On the same weekend and half a world away we’ve got the Festival of Dangerous Ideas in Sydney, Australia. Not exactly an atheist event but it will feature the Australian debut of “The Unbelievers”, the new documentary featuring Richard Dawkins and Lawrence Krauss. Should be fun.

http://fodi.sydneyoperahouse.com/

On November 9th it doesn’t matter where in the world you are, it’s Carl Sagan day. But if you happen to be near Bloomington, Indiana, you can check out the Carl Sagan Day Conference featuring my favorite living astrophysicist, Phil Plait. Should be fun.

http://action.centerforinquiry.net/site/MessageViewer?em_id=42122.0

On the 15th we kick off a huge one one state over. The 6th annual Skepticon in Springfield, Illinois will feature a huge list of prominent speakers including but not limited to Greta Christina, Richard Carrier, Hemant Mehta, Aron Ra, Rebecca Watson, Shelly Segal and dammit I wish I was gonna be there.

http://skepticon.org/

On the 16th of November we’ve got the Orszagos Szkeptikus Konferencia in Szekesfehervar, Hungary. I’d say more, but holy shit, every Hungarian word seems to have at least one ‘z’ in an unpronounceable place and half a dozen accent marks so fuck it, just check the link if you’re interested.

http://telapo.datatrans.hu/szkeptikus/2013/index.htm

On the weekend of the 22nd we’ve got a big one in Australia. The Australian Skeptics’ National Convention in Canberra. Should be a lot of fun even though I’ve never heard of any of the speakers except Richard Saunders. I know we’ve got a lot of listeners in and around New South Wales so figured I had to mention this one.

http://nationalskepticsconvention.org/

That does it for this month’s calendar but remember, if you’re involved with an atheist, skeptical or otherwise secular conference or meetup that could use a free plug, let me know. You’ll find the contact info along with links to the homepages to all the events we discussed here on the shownotes at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Feedback:

It’s time for the part of the show that comes net, listener feedback.

This is the part of the show where you say shit, and we say shit back.

Our first email comes to us from Heath in Long Island City and he says, “Hey, we should have some kind of bumper for the feedback segment.”

And our next email comes from Noah in Forest Hills, New York and he says, “What do you think of this?”

(Drop)

Eh… it’ll do.

And our first real email comes to us from the land down under Georgia, Florida, where Nate was sitting when he typed, “I think your show has real potential,”

Laying the flattery on thick early…

Your email’s flawed so far, but may have prospects just yet.

Right… oh, it gets better, “I think your show has real potential, but it’s getting to the point where I can hardly listen to it. We get it. You hate Christians. Can we move on to something else?”

Well I guess our work here is done. From now on, it’s all heart-warming stories about crippled puppies overcoming adversity. The religion problem is solved. Nate gets it . . .

No we would never do that!!! Crippled puppy stories just don’t have legs.

Yeah, sorry if you get it, Nate, but this is kind of what we talk about on our anti-theistic podcast here. But luckily there are these things called “other podcasts” that you may not yet get, so I’d encourage you to branch out.

And our next message comes to us from someone with much better taste in shit to write to us about, Clara in Virginia writes to ask, “Why is your show only 30 minutes long? You say all the time that you have to edit down the interviews or cut bits, but why? I don’t think anybody would mind if it ran to 35 or 40 minutes once in a while.”

Okay, fair question. Part of this is just sheer anal retentiveness on my part and I’ll admit that, but ultimately I think we can put out a better show every week if we know we’ve only got 30 minutes to get all the shit said that we’re gonna say.

And it’s very much our intention to leave Clara in Virginia always wanting just a little bit more.

Next we’ve got a message that comes to us from the Facebook. Dalene wants to know if Heath is as sexy as he sounds.

Yep . . . (clears throat) I mean “Dammmnnn Riiiighttt!!!”

That Heath Enwright is one Atheist Mother-Shut your mouth!!!

We also got an email from David in Australia who took time off of battling prehistoric dragon-flies with a machete long enough to write the following email:

“Hey guys (and gal),

I write to you with a heavy heart. From all the news reports I’ve seen it seems less and less likely that Ken Ham will ever be able to open the doors on his Ark Park. It seems to me that nobody stands to gain more from the opening of a Creationism based theme-park than people who make fun of religion for a living, so I was hoping I could inspire you to help.

Any ideas on what Ken could do to prop up the flagging interest in his park and inspire the investors to push it over that final hurdle?”

Great question.

Yeah, David, I’m glad you asked. And the answer is, of course, gay atheist midget velcro wall catapult tic-tac-toe. That’s right, if Ken Hamm hired a troupe of gay atheist midgets to wear velcro suits, and be shot from a catapult by redneck kids into a life size tic-tac-toe wall, he’d easily double his attendance. It would also give us atheist podcasters the chance to make jokes about gay atheist midget velcro wall catapult tic-tac-toe, but as long as Ken Hamm refuses to be creative, we never get that opportunity.

Hell, I’ve never even had a chance to say gay atheist midget velcro wall catapult tic-tac-toe… but I’m only out hope that someday I’ll have a reason.

I also thought of a few rides he could add to the investor’s prospectus that might grease the wallets a bit. First of all, I should have to tell them that they need a ride called the “Screaming Jesus”. I’m an atheist and I’d go there to “ride the Screaming Jesus”.

Couple other ideas:

A tunnel of love with bucket seats and a glass partition… you’ve gotta cater to your target audience, after all.

The sermon on space mountain, seemed like an obvious one to me.

Maybe a “Guess your IQ” booth?

Gotta have the basics of course, the Holy Roller Coaster… maybe the Virgin Mary-go-round.

And finally, and this one might fuck up repeat customers, but how about the “Catapult to Heaven”? And basically it just goes straight into a brick wall.

Nice little heaven pile at the bottom.

That does it for the feedback section. If you want us to answer your shit, you’ve gotta send it to us.

You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Outro:

Before we pull the drain plug tonight, I had a couple of quick announcements. First I wanted to make a correction to something I said in last week’s outro. I said that if I didn’t have a CafePress site up and running by Saturday I’d have nobody to blame for it but myself. Turns out I do have somebody else to blame, namely the dude that promised to have all the files in the correct size and format to me by Thursday, didn’t send them until Sunday and didn’t have them in the correct format or size. All that being said, I feel every bit as confident that we will have shwag available this Saturday as I was when I incorrectly announced that we would have shwag available last Saturday.

But I really think it’ll happen this time. Seriously. Because to be perfectly honest, I’m sick of looking like a tit that’s too stupid to open a CafePress site over a five week span.

I also want to tease you with the promise that on episode 40 we’ll be announcing a couple of other long awaited awesome reasons to give us money, but that’s all I’m saying about that just yet.

I also wanted to ask for a little help from our audience. I really, really, really want Ricky Gervais to do a Farnsworth quote for the show because Rick Gervais is fucking awesome. So I’m hoping all the Tweeters in our audience can help us out with that. So your challenge is to figure out a way to ask Ricky to do the Farnsworth quote in 140 characters or less. I have a sneaking suspicion that if we could get his ear, he’d be happy to do it, so if you’ve got a minute and a Twitter account, we’d really appreciate your help.

And speaking of really appreciating and help, I need to thank Heath for raising the bar week after week, I need to thank Lucinda for gracing us with her lovely voice to open the show and I need to thank Tim and Matt from the brand spanking new Atheism 101 podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and terrible monkey impersonation. Haven’t had a chance to check out their show yet, but I’m always stoked to hear more voices getting involved… assuming their show is better than their monkey noises.

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s paramount humans, Forrest, Gerry, Magnus, Jennifer, Drew, Ward, Joshua, Josh and Martin. Forrest, who is often mistaken for a bird or plane; Gerry, whose mind is so sharp they harass him for it at airports; Magnus, whose ejaculate is worshipped by tribal cultures around the world; Jennifer, whose IQ can only be expressed in scientific notation; Drew, whose gargantuan genitals inspired the term ‘testicular eclipse of the sun’; Ward, whose intimidating brilliance will one day earn his visage a spot on the Canadian flag; Joshua, who makes the biblical Joshua look like a pussy; Josh, whose sexual magnetism deflects solar radiation; and Martin, who wants to tell his girlfriend Susan that she’s made the past year of his life the best year of his life… and yes, that’s Susan Bolton of Scotland, whose boyfriend Martin loves her so much that he forewent laudable praise of his intellect, wit and/or penis size to wish her a happy anniversary.

These nine distinguished disbelievers have earned far more praise than my vocabulary can provide by giving us money. Only the highest echelon of humanity donates money to this show, but if you think you share Forrest, Gerry, Magnus, Jennifer, Drew, Ward, Joshua, Josh and Martin’s commitment to excellence in dick and fart jokes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And incidentally, as I’ve recently demonstrated, if you donate eighty bucks to the show, I’ll be more than happy to wish anyone a happy anything on your behalf.

And of course, if you like the show but not enough to give us money, you can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes, recommending us to a friend and following us on the Facebook and the Twitter and the YouTube. And also, if it’s all the same to you, check out our most recent episodes on Stitcher because we’re on Stitcher so why the hell not, right?

Episode 35 – Partial Transcript

October 17, 2013 Noah Lugeons 9 comments

by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited out due to time constraints)

Warning:

Warning, this podcast contains explicit language. And we’re talking really explicit. In fact, I’m gonna use the F word at the end of this sentence and if you don’t like it, go tell someone who gives a fuck.

Sponsor:

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Ivory Tower Atheist Soap

Splattered with the blood of a savior while performing a routine zealot crucifixion? Roped into church by your significant other, and can’t get rid of that self-righteous asshole smell? Hands covered in sauteed baby grease again?

Well try Ivory Tower Atheist Soap, because bullshit stains on the just and the unjust alike. Now available in an extra strength anti-Bapterial formula.

And now, the Scathing Atheist

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s October 17th,

And Oprah’s a fat whore, even for a white woman.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright,

And from perpetually parading New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode:

We’ll praise Lesus, our Jord and savior,
A homeopath will commit suicide by cutting off his pinky toe,
And what’s-his-name from Thomas and the Bible will join us to talk scripture.

But first, the diatribe…

Diatribe

It seems like atheists can point out how silly Christians are all day and we just get called assholes. But as soon as you call out Muslims, you’re an “Islamaphobic”. It’s not that you think a murderous, child raping, illiterate warlord isn’t worth adulation. It’s not that you think stories about flying horses should be reserved for kids and bronies. It’s not that you think people worshipping a meteorite is insane. Hell, if you read the Guardian you could be forgiven for thinking “Islamaphobic” was Richard Dawkins’ official title.

So let’s examine that word. As my spellcheck will readily tell you, it’s not a really a word, but even if it was, it would have no practical application. Because the suffix “phobia” refers to an irrational fear. If you’re swimming through shark infested waters and there’s a fin and an ominous two-note theme song following behind you, you’re not selachophobic, you’re rational… and edible.

And before anybody goes accusing me of equating Muslims with terrorists, I should point out that you don’t have to be a de facto terrorist for your Muslimness to scare the fuck out of me. Is the Saudi judge that sentenced the rape victim to 200 lashes for getting raped a “terrorist”? Is the Yemeni guy who raped his 8 year old bride to death on their wedding night a “terrorist”? Is every member of the government in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Malaysia, the UAE and Mauritania a terrorist? Because they all terrify the fuck out of me.

Now I’ll readily admit that Islam isn’t the only major world religion that calls for the ultimate extermination of everybody who worships a different god. It’s a common theme so it’s not fair to single Muslims out for that one. It’s okay to point out that it’s batshit crazy, but it’s not batshit crazy for a religion. That being said, I think it’s fair to point out that they have the best infidel massacring infrastructure. And if you doubt that, draw a few cartoons of Jesus sucking off Moses while Buddha takes him in the ass and then watch nobody kill you.

So what’s irrational about being scared? Keep in mind that I live in New York City. If you average it out over the last fifteen years, New Yorkers are statistically more likely to be killed by Muslim terrorists flying airplanes into skyscrapers than car accidents or firearms. So how the hell is Islamaphobia a phobia?

The only thing irrational about it is restricting your fear to Muslims. Right now Scientologists are just a bunch of goofy alien worshipping nut-tards, but I’m willing to bet if Scientologists took over a nation’s government, they’d suddenly become damn scary.

See, it’s not Muslims that scare me, it’s religious people with armies. And Christians aren’t immune to this crazy shit, they’re just generally confined to countries that won’t put them in charge of the nuclear arsenal.

But consider the blathering schizophrenic homeless subway dweller tirade Michele Bachmann went on last week where she stammered about leaves on fig trees and the end being nigh and then capped off the incoherent blubbering by talking about how awesome it was that the world was about to end because it means her magical hippy-Jew can’t be far behind.

This isn’t some crazy guy waving a posterboard sign scrawled with his own feces on 146th street. This is a member of congress. This is a person who, at one point, led the goddamn polls for the Republican nomination for president AFTER a debate! This is a person who gets to vote on whether or not we go to war. A sane person wouldn’t trust this woman to keep the cat out of their macaroni while they took a shit, but religious people are okay with her writing their laws! Our laws!

Look, I’m no more terrified by a country controlled by a crazy ayatollah than I am by a country controlled by a crazy evangelical. And their are plenty of crazy American evangelicals pushing for a theocracy… many from inside the elected government.

There is no greater threat to liberty, peace and progress than theocracy. And right now the Muslims just happen to leading the leading the race when it comes to dismantling rational governments and replacing them with genocidal scripture. There’s nothing at all irrational about fearing that.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is a guy who is at least slightly less hateful than he often sounds, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to moderately exaggerate your distaste for humanity?

Well considering the subject of the first story, I won’t be exaggerating.

Ooh… nice tease.

In our lead story tonight, Supreme Court justice – and Stephen Colbert whipping boy – Antonin Scalia revealed in a recent interview that he believes Beelzebub the Prince of Darkness is a real person.

It’s Alito, isn’t it?

When asked about the complete lack of evidence to justify this assinine-itude, he responded, (quote) “Well if you’re gonna go by evidence…” He then went on to point out that the whole thing with being the devil, is appearing NOT to exist. The same logic applies to asserting the existence of everything that doesn’t exist, but Catholics like Scalia don’t let being blatantly wrong, stand in their way of being right.

A quality that also comes in handy when you’re a conservative Supreme Court justice.

Basically, this guy’s opinion comes from Usual Suspects movie character, Keyser Soze, who was actually quoting a character in a poem by Charles Baudelaire. Granted, basing one’s worldview on 19th century French poetry is much more reasonable and up-to-date than using the bible . . . But it’s still not quite as realistic as we’d hope from one of the nine most powerful legal decision-makers in the country.

Let’s take a quick look at the line of logic here . . .

Premise 1: A fictional character from a fictional movie universe, quoted a fictional character from a fictional poetry universe, who said: “You guys don’t see that imperceptible demon guy?”

Premise 2: Satan is real.

So working backwards, Satan is real, and it occurs to me we don’t even need premise one.

And perhaps most frightening of all is the fact that he apparently had no idea that this was an insane thing to say. When the flabbergasted reporter says something to the tune of “fucking what?” Justice the Hutt gets all incredulous and asks her “What ivory tower do you live in where you can’t comprehend a grown, educated human being believing in a bedtime story meant to dissuade kids from stroking their junk.

What he was saying would have been ridiculous, if he didn’t at least throw us that compliment when he pointed out that we atheists probably aren’t Satan’s minions. So that was nice. I can finally check off “Justice Scalia’s approval” from my bucket list.

Yeah, it’s nice to probably not be Satan’s minion. Thanks for throwing us a bone. You’re probably not Satan’s minion either, your honor.

But then he ruins the tender moment by going on to say that disbelief in God (quote) “certainly favors the devil’s desires.” So you can see why I pity drafted this guy in my celebrity death pool. There’s nobody else I’d rather see die before January 20, 2017, but I know he’s gonna fucking live. It was like drafting Aaron Hernandez for fantasy football, just cause you’re a big Patriots fan.

Scalia says atheism “favors the devil’s desires”: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/07/scalia-says-satan-is-a-real-person/

And in the “Everybody was Kung Jew Fighting” file tonight, we turn to a story that wouldn’t be funny at all if the people involved didn’t have curly sideburns and goofy little hatlets. Two ass-kicking rabbis face charges of kidnapping and assault after allegedly starting a business kidnapping and assaulting.

I’m sure it was kosher assault . . . But seriously, the Jewish people won’t be able to continue being loved the world over, if they keep this shit up. America is no place for absurd religious beliefs that lead to insane criminal acts, unless you have a note from Jesus. Did these rabbis, by any chance, have a note from the savior their tribe murdered? No?

No, but give them two days and I’m sure they can beat one out of him. But up to this point, they’ve been restricting their attacks to Orthodox men who refused to give their wives a “get”, which is basically a human bill of sale that grants a woman a divorce. And despite the fact that divorcing an orthodox Jewish woman should be its own reward, some Jewish men are sexist, vindictive assholes. Which is where Shlomo and the Chhhhammer come in.

So the rabbi could declare the divorce and stop having the congregation shame the whore-wife… Or he could torture the husband into giving the “get”? And he goes with the torture?!?

So the “get rule” is set in stone, but rules about whether it’s bad to kidnap and torture . . . Those are gray areas with lots of midrash?!? (Which sounds like a diagnosis by a geriatric gynecologist.)

According to the FBI, the two would cover the victim’s heads in a plastic bag and torture them with a cattle prod and karate until they would agree to grant the get. And as fucked up as that is, I find myself siding with the cattleprod wielding ninja jews. Because, first of all, it’s a hilarious mental image; but more importantly, the stupid, fucked up, prehistoric morality these asswipes cling to makes it all but impossible for a divorced woman to lead a normal life in the community until her ex-husband says so.

Rabbis planned to kidnap husbands and force divorces: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/10/rabbis-plotted-to-kidnap-husbands-force-divorces-fbi-says/

In “justified filicide” news, a Hindu man murdered his infant son by striking him twice on the neck with an axe. Which just goes to show you, Hindu men are not very coordinated. His defense lawyer plans to argue that conviction would be a violation of the free exercise of murderous religious beliefs clause.

Yeah, just in case you thought making jokes about torturing jews with cattleprods was the lowest we were going tonight, here’s a story about a man murdering an 8 month old with an axe. I wonder if we can somehow parlay this into an abortion joke…

Nobody pivots to abortion better than Noah Lugeons . . .

Speaking of which, while crafting a response to this horrific event, one atheist podcaster wrote, “Fuck – At least we’re just killing fetuses . . . I’m not comparing the Hindu goddess Kali’s stance on murdering children, to my atheist stance on murdering bundles of undifferentiated cells that nobody loves . . . But Hinduism is clearly worse here. My abortions can beat up your infant sacrifices.”

Hindu man sacrifices 8 month old to god: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/12/hindu-man-brutally-murders-8-month-old-son-as-a-sacrifice-to-goddess-kali/

And in “The Father, the Son and That Other Fella” news tonight, the Vatican has recalled more than 6000 medals that were issued to commemorate the pontificate of Pope Fransylvania six-five thousand.

As if selling indulgences isn’t enough, now the Vatican’s literally minting their own money?!? Why not just give the gold straight to the rape victims, right away … on the nightstand like a proper gospel John.

The medal contained an image of the new muppet-pope on the front and an image of St. Matthew talking to some dude named Lesus. Or at least, that’s how he’s identified on the misspelled inscription that prompted the recall.

“Does the name of our lord and savior look right to you? Will you have the intern go check on JexisNexis if it’s Jesus, or Lesus. Tell him not to fuck it up this time, or we’ll keep treating him exactly how you’d imagine a Vatican intern gets treated.”

“Yo soy- Ego sum Lay-Zeus! All other gods must bow before, Lay-Zeus! For those of you who don’t Joquar Jatine, Lay-Zeus is Jatin for . . . The Zeus.”

While I can think of no more appropriate way to commemorate the current pontificate than issuing something that has to immediately be retracted, the Vatican is acting like they got caught with their hand in a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.

Vatican misspells Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/10/vatican-jesus-medal_n_4080403.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Moving on to “pork-free telecom” news . . . Israel has sanctioned a kosher-certifed cell phone service. The new product is obviously called the Adonai-Phone, and will be sold at Adam’s Apple Stores Jewish-nationwide. However, one of what must be many, conservative theocratic governing bodies in Israel, the Rabbinical Committee for Communications, mandated that subscribers be blocked from using the normal pre-installed rape and mental crisis hotlines.

Before we move on, allow me to restate exactly what you just said in my “you’ve-gotta-be-fucking-kidding-me” voice: “They mandated that subscribers be blocked from using pre-installed rape and mental crisis hotlines!”

When you block stuff that helps with rape and insanity, it’s really hard not to jump straight to the allegation that Judaism is fully aware of being an unsolicited mind fuck . . . with some real rape built in somewhere too. When asked for a response to this accusation, Judaism texted me back, saying: “Well we wouldn’t use those exact words, but we certainly can’t have those numbers on speed dial. We’re trying to run a business here!”

“Do you have a phone that will also tell my wife she’s a useless bitch and nobody loves her? How about one that smacks her if she tries to think?”

So I read this story several times over, and I’m still trying to figure out the kosher stance here . . . Maybe some obscure torah verse that technically makes Microsoft bloatware and other built-ins against the rules? But even then, it’s just the rape and mental illness lines they targeted. What good intentions could be behind blocking those two things only?

Yeah, equally disturbing is the guy in some boardroom who said, “So you’ll buy the phones as long as we disable the rape hotline? Both the male and female rape hotlines? Sounds reasonable to me, sure.”

“What’s that you’re buying? Candy, KY jelly, and a van? . . . And some bullets? . . . Isn’t Walmart great?!? I’m sure there’s a perfectly good, unrapey reason for those purchases.”

“You know, I’m just curious, of course, not that I’m gonna do it or anything, but does this Pez Dispenser work with roofies?”

Kosher phones block emergency numbers for sexual assault victims: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4431017,00.html

That’ll do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.

Catchphrase, exclamation mark.

And when we come back, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible will join us to explain how he managed to get top billing over the inerrant word of god.

Outro

Before we put it in park for the night I want to take a second to congratulate our friends Frank and Dan over at the “Thank God I’m Atheist” podcast for reaching the 100 episode milestone. I’m only now starting to comprehend exactly how much work goes into hitting that mark so a very well-deserved shout out to two guys fighting the good fight in the belly of the beast.

And just so that none of the math-geeks email us to tell me that the number 100 is ultimately meaningless, I’m also gonna congratulate our friend George Hrab from the Geologic podcast on his 334th episode as well.

Oh… and we’ve got the finalized logo, the correct file sizes and the whole nine at this point so if I don’t have some merch available for you by Saturday night I’ve got nobody to blame for it but myself. We’re really, really close to having T-shirts and other as-yet-undetermined shwag so look for that in the coming days. We’ll be shouting ceaselessly about it on the Facebook page, the Twitter feed and, of course, the blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. But don’t worry, there will still be plenty of time to get grandma a Scathing Atheist T-Shirt for Christmas.

I gotta toss out one more quick thanks to Thomas for hanging out tonight. I wasn’t kidding about his podcast kicking ass but if you don’t believe me, you’ll find proof in the form of a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.

http://www.thomasandthebible.com/

I also need to thank Heath, of course, for somehow continuing to be that damn funny every week, I need to thank Lucinda for lending us a snippet of her lovely voice, I need to thank Cameron from the Cam’s world (dot) de podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. His is a newer podcast that promotes scientific skepticism in the world of sports, so definitely a mission I can get behind 100% and don’t let the (dot) DE fool you, it’s in English. You’ll find it linked on the shownotes as well.

http://camsworldde.libsyn.com/

But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most essential anthropoids; William, David, Richard and Crouchy. William, whose intellectual strength is too great to measure in anything but raw horsepower; David, whose ninja reflexes are the envy of photons everywhere; Richard, whose illustriousness will almost certainly lead to his first name being the only one to ever be officially retired and Crouchy, whose behemoth genitals have to be factored into meteorological equations.

These four exemplary individuals have proved themselves to probably not be the minions of Satan this week by giving us money. Only the most heroic, high-minded, Herculean and harmonious heathens have the heart to give us money, but if you think you share William, David, Richard and Crouchy’s commitment to complimentary adjectives that start with H, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help us out but you spent all your money on the finer hookers in life, you can always help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing 5-star review on iTunes and/or telling somebody about the show and nagging them until they listen to it.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you next week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. If you can’t wait that long, be sure to pop over to the website, look for the “extras” tab on the top of the page and get your required dose of bonus scatheism. And of course, check us out on all those social media sites and stuff and listen to us on Stitcher just in case.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, Antonin Scalia, atheism, atheism podcast, atheist, atheist podcast, Christianity, F This Pocast, kosjer phones, Thomas and the Bible

Episode 34 – Partial Transcript

October 11, 2013 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints

—

Warning: This podcast contains explicit language in pretty much every sentence except this one.

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by End Timex Doomsday Clocks and Watches

End Timex crafts “End Time Pieces” for the sophisticated apocalypse watcher, or anyone with lots of money to burn before the rapture. We’re so confident in our work, and in ancient prophecy, that we offer a “this lifetime warranty” on every purchase (wink wink).

End Timex: Because you all have down counter syndrome.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro

It’s Thursday,

It’s October 10th,

and there’s a Broadway Bomb in Manhattan on Saturday that has nothing to do with Islam.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright

And from ignorantly Christopher Columbus friendly New York, New York

This is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode…

We’ll learn that people who really love America work to overthrow it,
We examine a new humane, cage-free breed of rape joke.
And we’ll finger bang for Jesus

But first, the soothing tones of Noah Lugeons apologizing for being right. Let’s go to the diatribe.

Diatribe

There are plenty of bullshit explanations for it, but the primary reason religion persists is because people would rather not think about dying. Religion doesn’t really solve the problem, but it has proven to be a great way to delay the problem.

I’ve gone on record before in saying that only the slimmest minority of religious people believe in an afterlife. Anybody who has ever exhibited self-preservation or mourned a loved one is full of shit if they tell you they honestly believe in heaven everlasting. Or they think they and all their loved ones are evil and hellbound.

My favorite analogy is a soldier that took a fatal wound and he’s lying on the battlefield. Religion comes up and hands him two band-aids and says “Here, put these over your eyes so you don’t see the wound. It’ll go numb eventually. Sure, it’ll still hurt if you move it and you’ll still die from it, but it’s better this way.”

And from what I’ve seen, when people cut their ties to religion, the rope marked “afterlife” is the last one to go and the hardest one to cut. I know plenty of atheists that still try to cling to any suspect pseudo-science that claims to provide evidence for a soul.

I also know plenty of lenient atheists that are willing to excuse religion from any wrongdoing based solely on this dubious assumption: Religion helps people deal with loss. Sure, you and I can handle confronting our mortality and the mortality of the people around us, but those dumbasses? They need a fairy tale to cling to. They need their security blanket and who are we to deny them their soul-snuggie?

Setting aside for a second that obviously their fairy tale doesn’t work, there are still some serious problems that arise when you try to spackle over the inevitable. One way or the other, the wound is still bleeding and eventually you’re going to have to come to grips with it. And who’s better suited for the task? The person who spent their lives boldly facing their fragility or the person who spent the last few decades pretending they thought they got to go to the super-happy-world dimension?

I was listening to the Atheist Experience the other day, and for the eleven people that somehow heard of our show without hearing about theirs first, it’s a live, public access call-in show where they take calls from atheists and believers alike. And even though 80% of their callers annoy the shit out of me, I still enjoy the show enough to listen to it every Monday morning.

Anyway, so a woman calls in and she’s clearly wavering in her faith. She’s clearly made the mistake of critically examining her religious beliefs and they’re fast a-crumblin’. But she’s holding out. She’s having trouble letting go and it’s because she doesn’t want to take the band-aids off her eyes.

And it’s not a self-serving thing… or, at least not a directly self serving thing. She seemed almost embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t her own death she was fearing. It was her cats. She was a cat person. She’d lost a lot of cats over her life and she wanted above all things to know that someday she would be reunited with them.

I’m a cat person. And as silly as this might seem to some, I understood one hundred percent. I was lucky enough to be raised without a strong religious influence, so I came to grips with the “I’m gonna outlive my pets” thing a long time ago, but I can imagine how hard it would be to abandon such a pleasant fiction if you’d been using it to delay confronting the emotions.

So when I heard this, because I’m me, I got pissed. That’s pretty much always my reaction when it comes to religion… you might have noticed.

See, here’s the cruel, if unintentional, consequence of believing in Heaven. It’s not there. And unless you’ve got some kind of serious mental dysfunction you eventually realize that it’s not there. You eventually realize that you’ve been lied to the whole time and somehow you feel robbed of something you never even had to begin with.

What’s worse is that a lot of people only discover the net was an illusion when they jump into it. It’s only when they have to face their own mortality or the mortality of someone they love that they realize the whole thing was a house of cards. They’re counting on god to make sense of it all; they’re counting on heaven to make the loss easier to bear; they’re counting on religion to finally pay them back for all those tithes.

But there was never anything there. And in the end they eventually have to deal with their loss the same way we secularists deal with it. But we secularists get a bonus. A realistic outlook on life and death leaves the finality in the forefront of your mind rather than trying to hide in the basement. Every time I think about the people I love I temper it with their transience and it reminds me to forgive, to indulge, to embrace. And it reminds me to pet my cats whenever the hell they tell me to because someday I won’t be able to anymore.

They said that religion would make it easier, but it doesn’t. It’s in times like those that religion is at it’s weakest. And mourning a loved one is hard enough if you don’t have to mourn your god alongside them.

Headlines

Re- joining me for headlines tonight is rejoiner Heath Enwright. Heath, do you have a rejoinder?

No. Can’t you just go straight to an improvised rhyming headline?

In our lead story tonight, Hobby Lobby lobs a snobby, snow job-by, daub of copy in a sloppy attempt to seem less lynch mob-by. The half-assed apology came after New Jersey blogger Ken Berwitz complained to an employee that he couldn’t find any Hanukkah decorations only to be told that the jews should have thought about that before they killed Jesus.

I don’t agree with anyone involved, about anything. I don’t like Christianity, I don’t like Judaism, and I don’t like holiday decorations of any kind. That being said, why would a Jewish person be angry that a “bigoted” Christian store chain has stupid business practices?!? Plus if you’re Jewish, you can’t transact on Saturday, it’s closed on Sunday, and you’re conspiring against Palestine all week, so when are you going there anyway?

The corporation, which until now seemed to be operating under the “alienate-every-heathen-we-can” marketing strategy, surprised onlookers by taking any action whatsoever that failed to reinforce the “Christian-fuck-monkey” reputation they’ve worked so hard to earn.

I don’t think a business owned by religious fundamentalists should be allowed to use the word ‘hobby’. Wouldn’t it be great if religious people just made little figurines and dioramas, AND THAT’S IT?! Fly some model airplanes into the side of a building – that’s fine. Just know that the actual Boba Fett isn’t going to descend from heaven with angellic jet pack wings and save humanity from sin.

Hey, you can’t prove there’s no Boba Fett… and speaking of not being able to prove, Berwitz cites the irrefutable source of “some woman my wife knows”, who claims that upon asking where the Hanukkah merchandise was, the aforementioned friend of a friend was told (pseudo-quote) “We don’t cater to your people” (end quote), though I’m damn tempted to add “your droids will have to wait outside”.

“I’m sorry, ma’am. We suggest that all Jews proceed to the ‘lobby’ section of the store. Try out the ‘oxygen’ bar. But there’s nothing for you in the ‘hobby’ section. And yes those Golem droids will have to wait outside.”

In Hobby Lobby’s defense, a number of the company’s stores do carry a limited selection of Jewy stuff and have for years. Plus, how the hell were they supposed to know there were Jews in a city less than fifty miles from Manhattan?

Hobby Lobby reluctantly agrees to carry Jewish holiday stuff: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/04/hobby-lobby-jewish-holiday_n_4046481.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

In “pedophile scandal oversight bell curve” news, the Vatican grade has improved from a lazy F, to an equally lazy D minus by default, after an expert in the field admits his own evangelicals are even worse than Catholics. Regardless, the existence of an “expert in the field” and also the existence of “the field” are god’s fault.

You know that the Catholics are celebrating this publicly, but behind the scenes Pope Frannie Mae has everybody down to the Vatican lunch ladies raping kids overtime. They don’t like being number two in anything and they especially hate number two when they’re butt-raping kids.

The expert in question is named Boz Tchividjian– … The expert in question has a name, and his initials are BT. Mr. T gained his expertise as executive director of Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment, or GRACE. They investigate sex abuse allegations, and are exactly the type of organization that should have a clever, playful acronym.

They considered going with Butt and Lip Intrusion Survivors Society, or BLISS and I hear they also rejected Bureau of Rampant Accusations of Clergy Encroaching on Young Or Underage Rectums, Sometimes Evoking Legal Fees; or BRACE-YOURSELF.

Mr T. says, “Protestants can be very arrogant when pointing to Catholics.” . . .

Apparently decades of being relatively less bad than their rival sect at handling pedophile scandals, was a big point of pride. Rapist Clergy Handling is their Army-Navy game. Even though both teams often enter the game winless, the season is a big success for the winner that ends up with a 1 – 11 record.

I hear that Pentecostals rape children in tongues.

The takeaway here, is that eating babies is way less egregious than raping altar boys. But when Richard Dawkins finally gets caught eating “tar baby tartare”, you won’t see atheists smuggling him out of England to avoid prosecution. Why is he eating dark meat? It sounded better.

Pedophile expert declares Protestants worse than Catholics: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2013/10/tchividjian-protestants-worse-than-catholics/

And moving on to “beep beep, mm- beep beep No” news, this week’s ridiculous example of Muslim misogyny comes to us from Saudi cleric and person whose name is clearly compensating for something, Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan. In an interview with sabq.org, this vacuous dingleberry warned that women who drive cars risk damage to their ovaries that will likely lead to mutant babies.

I’d say regardless of driving – women risk damaging their ovaries by continuing to live in Saudi Arabia. Do women who drive, birth mutants every time? Yes. Should women be driving in general? No. But move out of Arapia first, and then worry about vehicular rights you don’t deserve. Arguing about it while you’re still living under sharia law, is like a heroin addict giving up chocolate for lent.

Appealing to Saudi women’s sense of maternal duty and utter lack of reproductive education, al-Lohaidan offered his bloviations in response to a growing social movement among Saudi women who want the right to drive for reasons including but not limited to running over assholes like this cleric.

Maybe a little genetic mutation in Saudi Arabia isn’t the worst thing in the world? Bunch of pregnant muslims sneaking into cars, turning out jews and atheists. Might teach ’em a lesson.

Muslim Clerics warn women who drive will damage their ovaries and have mutant babies: http://blogs.reuters.com/faithworld/2013/09/29/top-saudi-cleric-says-women-who-drive-risk-damaging-their-ovaries/

And in “Anti-Arab Autumn” news, the same lawyer who thinks President Obama was birthed by a lion in Kenya, is now calling for a takeover of the executive branch, in order to halt the nearly-completed installation of an Islamic theocracy in Washington.

Oh right, you Arab-spring ahead and Arab-fall back…

Larry Klayman, the asshole who tried to claim Kenyans can’t run, said this about the POTUS . . . and I’m paraphrasing . . .

Wait, I’m sorry, did you say this dude’s name was “Larry Klansmen?”

(quote) “[Don’t quote me on this, but… I don’t like] his Muslim, socialist, anti-Semitic, anti-Christian, anti-white, pro-illegal immigrant, pro-radical gay and lesbian agenda [face!].” (end quote)

Few things . . . First, I quoted you. Suck it. Next, Mexicans are all Catholic, so you can’t be pro-illegal immigrant, and anti-Christian at the same time in this country. Also, what the fuck is the “radical” gay agenda?!? . . . “Must ask, must tell… in graphic detail”? Are there super-mutant gay people, suggesting us inferior hetero-breeders will be weeded out by evolution?!? XXX Men?

Klayman goes on to suggest the President deserves prison time, and actually uses the phrase “leave town”, like he’s fucking Wyatt Earp, and Obama – being yellow bellied and lilly livered – would decide it’s best to take his family back to Chicago, or the savannah outside Nairobi, or wherever they’re from.

Obama’s Muslims agenda gone too far – Klayman calls for military coup: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/klayman-sets-date-revolution-end-obamas-reign-terror

And in “Would You Like to Fry in Hell With That?” news, a Chicago area restaurant is enraging Catholics all over the country by disrespecting their magic cracker. Kuma’s Corner, a “heavy metal” themed burger joint is offering a sacrilegious special in October called the “Ghost” burger, which looks kind of crappy even if you take off the controversial communion wafer garnish that has the papists so pissy.

What are we supposed to eat the body of Christ raw and unseasoned like the bloody savage Catholics?!? Can you imagine a butcher selling filet mignon, as patrons walk up in line and french kiss the steak out of his mouth. If religion isn’t stupid enough yet, in this analogy, they would all sit down and eat the bloody steak right there in the shop, while the butcher gave a speech about holy cows.

With brazen disregard for the sanctity of unleavened biscuits, the restaurant’s management is offering the tasteless treat (along with a red wine reduction) in conjunction with the release of a new album from the band “Ghost”. Apparently the band is known for dressing in clerical garb onstage, or rather, that’s what they were known for before they were known for being that band that inspired that burger joint to fuck with pope-crackers.

Well as long as the band isn’t being ironic, the “sin and out” burger should be protected under the free exercise clause. However, if they are being ironic, it’s protected under “you can do what you want”. So as long as they aren’t being ironic or genuine, the Catholics have a legitimate gripe.

Well only some reactionary Catholics have expressed outrage over this publicity stunt, more level headed papists urge a rational response. After all, it’s just a cracker. It’s not like a Cardinal has already performed the magic spell that turns it into divine jewish god-flesh or anything.

Chicago restaurant offers “Communion Burger”, Catholics lose their shit: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/03/is-the-communion-burger-in-poor-taste/

And from the “Who said British parties are boring” file, Students from the “Atheist, Secularist and Humanist Society” at London School of Economics were forced to leave the university’s first-year student fair, because of T-shirts with cartoons that offended religious people. In a rare twist, it was the normally thick-skinned followers of Islam that took umbrage with free speech.

Next thing you’re gonna tell me people are chopping off pieces of their babies’ dicks.

The next day, despite the hilarious solution of putting tape over the “offensive” parts, reading “Censored” and “Nothing to see here”, the atheists were once again ejected. Maybe the tape was a little insensitive . . . Can’t believe they didn’t wear burkas over the shirts on day two.

What if we just said we were offended by offense. Would it send the politically correct fucktards into a self-reinforcing feedback loop of inevitable destruction? And if we try that and it fails, can we just kick them in the nuts?

One atheist, always the diplomatic problem solver, suggested Muslims could just close their eye-slit as they walked past the atheist table. Then a pedantic onlooker who doesn’t understand sarcasm, pointed out that only women have the eye-slit thing, and eye-slit-clad women clearly aren’t allowed to study economics. Then he added, “I don’t want to be pedantic, but the eye-slit thing is called a niqab.”

Bottom line, getting offended by British nerds is YOUR fault.

Jesus and Mo T-shirts censored at LSE: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/06/wearing-jesus-mo-shirts-doesnt-mean-youre-discriminating-against-christians-and-muslims/

And finally tonight, in “I don’t care how straight you are, you wish this was a video of two dudes going full anal” news, we bring you the latest in creative and awesome “fuck you”s directed at Fred Phelps and the notorious Westboro Baptist church.

What do you mean, “wish”? That “Phelps on Phelps Backstroke” video you sent me isn’t the one we’re talking about?

No, by court order I can’t admit to having that one. This is a different one. But there’s a set-up. Previously on the Scathing Atheist we brought you the story of Aaron Jackson who bought the house across the street from the church and painted it all gay and rainbowy. More recently we brought you the story of members of the Satanic Temple turning Phelps’ dead mom gay by beating off on her tombstone. But in an impressive display of one upmanship the punk band “Get Shot” offered the WBC the most literal “go fuck yourself” yet by going to the church and fucking themselves.

Gotta love this country. The American version of “Pussy Riot” features actual free market pussy.

Bass player and autoerotic-engineer Laura Lush decided that the lawn of the church would make an ideal backdrop for a video of her pleasuring herself dressed in nothing but nail polish.

Bass player for California punk band does some fingering below the staff.

Although she didn’t really need a porn alias, Laura Lush is also known by her porn alias, Flora Bush. When asked for a statement, she could have but didn’t say, (quote) “My bow and my staff, I come for them.”

According to the band’s press release they contacted the church in hopes of obtaining any surveillance footage that might have had a good up-vag angle, though there’s no word on whether Phelps and friends are done jacking off to it yet.

Or spanking the bass . . .

They were worried police might arrive, and they would have a real mess on their hands, so they got in and out, and got the shot quickly. She wanted to take it a second time, but the guys with the equipment were tired and ready to leave . . .

OK, as usual we’ll put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Titles for the new porn, Go!!!

Vaginal DJ in B-Cup Minor

The band’s called, Get Shot! . . . the porn’s gotta be called, “Get Money Shot!” . . . Hopefully she’s a squirter, or at least willing to get her feet wet.

Um… The Mighty Fist of God?

“The Girl with the Bass Cleft Asshole” . . . Perfect if Stieg Larsson starts writing atheist porn scripts along with the Coen Brothers.

What about just “Spunk Rock”?

Those Spunk Rockers do like to DIY.

Or just DY.

With KY.

And of course, I don’t want to close this segment before pointing out that I, too, believe that god hates fags, just in case there were any punk bands in the New York area whose hot, exhibitionist bass players were looking for a lawn on which to strip naked and masturbate.

Punk Band shoots porn video on lawn of Westboro Baptist Church: https://www.facebook.com/getshotkicksass/posts/519319074820814

And on that string of below the belt jokes we’ll close the headlines. Heath, thanks as always.

Yeah, whatever.

And when we come back Lucinda will be here so don’t tell her about all the pussy jokes.

Poem

Okay so yeah, I read Ruth and to tell you the truth,

You sneeze and you’re through it, so screw it, I can’t write an ode to it.

I mean shit, ya’ll a poem? I don’t know, um…

Roses are red and violets are blue;

Ruth wants to fuck Boaz and he wants it too.

So they do, that’s the end, hallelujah, amen.

Cause that’s it. Holy shit, I don’t get where to go,

And I know that for seven shows in a row,

I’ve put something mildly clever together, but that can’t last forever…

Sure, I know some were ho-hum but at least they were poems,

And now it’s expected, you’d feel disrespected, dejected;

Our poor audience who saw me once as a dependable dude, it would be rude.

So I’m screwed.

Hell, I really start bumming when I look at what’s coming.

What, I’m gonna write two poems about Samuel and two about Kings?

By Chronicles we’re all gonna be sick of these things.

And I know that you’d say it’s okay, it’s not like you pay

for this shit, so a day off is fit, I can lay off for a bit and omit that skit.

But if I should neglect what our fanbase expects, what comes next?

A show with no sponsor? Or no diatribe in it?

Or one that comes out late on Friday and is 32 minutes?

So I read and reread and see that indeed;

There’s nothing worth rhyming in this whole boring screed.

Why does it bore me? No story. That’s hard to ignore, we

Just came off seven books that were horrid and gory,

And now this load of piss? No armies, no slaughter,

No tossing a rape mob your viriginal daughter,

Sure, I guess if I’m pressed, I’ll confess there’s some sex to address,

But I’m no less stressed,

Because as much innuendo I find buried just underneath,

And knowing that blowjob jokes always have teeth,

I know that there isn’t much humor this book can bequeath

And I can’t steal all the dick jokes from Lucinda and Heath…

So a thousand apologies, but I’ve written poems for all of these (of varying qualities),

But writing a poem for Ruth is like pulling a tooth.

And I’m on a deadline, still gotta write headlines and I’m crossing my redline,

So with all due respect, I’m vexed and perplexed and I can’t make this text rhyme,

So no poem for this episode, but I’ll do better the next time,

Babble

Logging in at a whopping 4 books, Ruth is one of the shortest books in the bible and is so short, in fact, that you could read it quicker than we can finish this segment, but you wouldn’t want to because it still sucks.

So joining Heath and me to take on this biblical pamphlet is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome to the show.

Before we get started, it’s probably worth noting that the book of Ruth was a late edition to the Historical Books and was written by an unknown author who really, really wanted to fuck a Moabite chick and didn’t want to be stoned to death for it.

And with that let’s dive in.

First we meet Naomi who has a really shitty turn of luck. Her husband dies and both of her adult sons die, leaving her with nothing but two daughter-in-laws, and since women are worse than worthless in the bible, that’s like having less than nothing.

Sure you hear about famine in the news. But when you’re living in a safe nomadic religious desert tribe, you never think it can happen to your family. Even if your book needs a minor plot impetus.

So barren and hapless, Naomi decides to return from the land of the Moabites to her people, who are the Jews, and both of her daughter-in-laws want to come with her. She talks Orpah into fucking off, but the infatuated lesbian daughter-in-law Ruth goes off on a stalkers monologue that makes the lyrics to “I’ll Be Watching You” seem like a healthy relationship.
So they get back to Naomi’s hometown of Bethlehem and everybody runs out and says, “Hey Naomi”, but she’s changed her name because Naomi means “pleasant” and since god hated her enough to kill her family, she asks them to call her “Mara”, which means “bitter”. Because we all love these mid-book name changes.

Yeah I could do without all the”Ocho Cinco” bullshit in the bible. It’s not like she wrastled god near a directional body of water or something.

So they get back to Bethlehem and Ruth figures they gotta eat so she goes out to scrounge some leftover grain, which is what the destitute did back then. While she’s out there busting her ass, the wealthy and available Boaz takes notice of her and lays on the flirt.

And Boaz is every Jewish-stepmother-of-a-Moabite-lesbian-widow’s dream son in law. He’s in the tribe, he owns land. He’s one classy Jew. He put the Lacoste back in Holocaust before it even existed.

And it’s so hard not to sexualize the hell out of the conversation. Especially when he starts telling her to dip her morsel in his sour wine.
Or when she (quote) “fell prostrate with her face to the ground before him”

“Oops I fell over . . . I’m just a poor, clumsy shixa, trying to break into Judaism. How will I ever pay you for these free scraps of grain?”

So she gathers all the grain she can hold and brings it back to town to show Naomi cum Mara how much she got. Naomi tells her “good job. Now whoever’s dick you sucked to get this, go back and swallow next time”. Cause mom knows a good thing when she sucks it.

So Naomi hatches a plan for Ruth to win Boaz’s heart and I dare say that it’s an effective man-seducing strategy. She tells Ruth to get all dolled up, wait until Boaz gets drunk and passes out, and crawl into bed with him. And then when he wakes up, do whatever he tells you to do.

“What if he thinks I’m ugly?”

“You are ugly, Ruth. You’re an ugly race traitor whore. But beauty is in the eyes of the money shot beholder.”

Now, this is important to point out. In the book it says that mom told her to “uncover his feet” while he’s sleeping. And, of course, as we noted when we did Exodus, foot is often a biblical euphemism for the cock.

Astute listener, Will, actually emailed us to make sure we got that. “I know you guys don’t have trouble fitting dick jokes into your segments, but foot is DaVinci code for dick.”

And he was smart about it, too. He left the message in the note-line of a donation to the show, which is always the best place to leave messages for us.

So she does exactly that and when he wakes up he’s says, “Hey, chick sleeping at my feet. Cool. Who the hell are you?” So she tells him that she’s there to suck him off or whatever he prefers.

Just put your cloak over my head, like I’m a subway prostitute, so nobody will see me blowing you.

And Boaz must be a little hungover because he says, “Let me see if I can find somebody else that can fuck you tomorrow, but if not, I’ll take care of you.”

“Yeah listen . . . I know you’re new and everything, so you probably didn’t read all the stuff in the manual, but I can’t just fuck you myself when there’s a closer relative that might want to fuck you . . . I see the look on your face right now, but I swear we’re not crazy.”

And proving that he totally doesn’t know how the hooker thing works, he pays her for not fucking him and sends her on her way.

“I’m sure waking up to you technically already blowing me had nothing to do with the grain thing. Unless you’re running some sort of ageless long con . . . Nah – I’m paying you anyway.”

So then Boaz tries to pawn Ruth off on one of his relatives but when his cousin realizes that it would fuck up his inheritance, Boaz agrees to marry Ruth and take all of her dead husband’s shit and make babies with her.
1. Right, but he agrees to that with ten of the city elders. He doesn’t agree with her.
2. Hebrew woman is like altar-boy: consent is assumed.

Personal consent is too subjective. Immaculate consent is much more objective.

So yeah, after this hugely romantic gesture the book ends and we realize that no, there was no fucking point whatsoever. Except maybe to point out that King David was so awesome that even his great grandmother gets a whole book of the bible.

And yeah, that’s it. It’s a love-story with no conflict. It literally is “boy meets girl, they get married and have kids”. Nothing to resolve. It’s like a rom-com where two co-workers that get along just fine go on a business trip together and continue to get along just fine. And then they fuck.

I’m okay with that. We didn’t splash any blood or rape anybody or anything. It’s a nice change of pace. And it was the shortest book so it was also the best one.

Yeah, but it’s tempting to say that even this short-ass book was way too long considering how little it had to say, but when you consider what a bunch of raging fucking bigots biblical era jews were, the very fact that Ruth is a foreigner is plenty of conflict. According to the introductory essay in the NSRV (which is almost as long as the book in this instance), this was a post-facto addition to the Historical books meant to soften the “no boning foreigners” rule.

You can fuck them, but only flaccid. So god made women called Ruth forever ugly, as a reminder.

Except the one that donated to our show. So before we accidentally insult anymore of our financial supporters we’ll wrap this edition of the Holy Babble. Lucinda, Heath, thanks for ignoring your gag reflex long enough to keep doing this.

And remember, if you’re reading along at home, stop doing that. We’re reading it so you don’t have to.

Outro

Before we blow our load tonight I want to offer another piss-poor excuse for not having merch available yet, but I don’t have one so I’m just going to sheepishly admit that it’ll be at least one more week.

Of course I can’t end this thing without thanking Heath and Lucinda for being a collective two thirds of why this thing works and, of course, I also need to thank Shujin Tribble from the Feline Conspiracies Wednesday Night 80s Bash in Second Life for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote, I’m not sure exactly what that even is, but thanks bro, very fun one.

I also want to thank everybody who took the time this week, or any week for that matter, to leave us a five star review on iTunes. We all really appreciate that and it’s one of the best ways we know of to help us spread the word so thanks to everybody who has and to everybody who hasn’t, also known as 97% or our audience, c’mon folks, it’s free and I’m practically begging here.

I also want to thank everyone who shares the show on Facebook or Twitter or tells their friends about it or recites it aloud at the grocery store. But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s wittiest, prettiest and most fastidious people; Richard, Brian, Roger, Stephen, Alison, Timothy, Geoff, April, Parminder, Elena, Mike, Eric, Stephen, Will and Duncan. Known throughout the galaxy as the dirty dozen and one quarter, these fifteen heroic, resolute, dashing, daring and stouthearted adventurers have earned praise both limitless and eternal by giving us money.

Only the most valiant, valorous and venturesome vanquishers have the verisimilitude required to give us money, but if you think you measure up to the noblesse of Richard, Brian, Roger, Stephen, Alison, Timothy, Geoff, April, Parminder, Elena, Mike, Eric, Stephen, Will and Duncan, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And a quick note to those cyclically awesome few who have tried to set up recurring monthly donations on Paypal for us, thanks a ton, for whatever reason those don’t seem to be going through, but I’m on it from my end and we’ll try to get that worked out, I promise. Believe me, nobody wants to make it easier for you to give us money than we do.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, atheism, atheist, atheist biblical criticism, atheist podcast, Book of Ruth, Communion Burger, Get Shot Band, Hobby Lobby, Hobby Lobby Christian, Hobby Lobby Christian bigots, Holy Babble, Ken Berwitz, Kuma's Corner, Larry Klayman, Laura Lush

Episode 33 – Partial Transcript

October 3, 2013 Noah Lugeons 6 comments

by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons

(Note: Transcript contains some material that was edited out of the final episode due to time constraints)

Sponsor

Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by:

All Jizzeera Pornography News for Muslims

Can’t watch porn because someone told you god said so? Does your theocratic government blocks wide swaths of the internet? Still want to know the relevant details of the plot? We’ll give you play-by-play announcing and color commentary, in sexy Arabic accents, of exactly how those two girls paid for the pizza, and exactly what they’re doing with that one cup. We’re broadcasting 24/7, so we’ll keep you abreast, without seeing a breast.

All Jizzeera Pornography News: We see things coming, so you don’t have to.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday, it’s October 3rd, and Congressional Republicans just threw the Risk board off the table in a tantrum, took their ball, and went home.

I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from NFL-level football teamless New York, New York this is the Scathing Atheist

In this week’s episode…

We’ll learn that Muslim culture, as portrayed in 90’s action movies, is entirely accurate.
A Kansas teacher will be accused of mandatory atheist prayer, after assigning students to write a letter to the President.
Russia finally gets Coke, Betamax and de facto anti-Muslim legislation.
And CWebb from CWebb’s Sunday School will join us to give the Scathing Atheist a little hip-hop cred.

But first, the diatribe.

Diatribe

You know, I might have been the only person walking out of the Eugene O’Neil theater on Saturday night saying, “Don’t get me wrong, Book of Mormon was hilarious, but I wish it had been a little less pro-religion.”

Lucinda and I finally got around to seeing it this past weekend and yes, it’s every bit as good as everybody says it is. The dialogue was hilarious, the songs were phenomenal, the dance numbers were spectacular, the story was solid and they spent essentially the entire two hours mercilessly lampooning one of the most ridiculous cults America has yet to produce.

And still, I’m gonna bitch at that show for being too damn nice to religion.

I’m not gonna fault Matt and Trey. They had a message they wanted to send and they expressed it brilliantly. I just profoundly disagree with the message. See, like most pop-refutations of religiosity, they toss religion a huge bone at the end of this thing. After we spend ninety minutes learning how insane a person would have to be to take Mormon dogma seriously, we learn that it’s okay to believe patently absurd things, as long as they inspire us to do good and work together.

Ultimately, that’s the moral of the story.

It reminds me of another one of my favorite comedic excoriations of religion, Kevin Smith’s 99 dick and fart joke classic Dogma. We spend the whole movie lambasting Catholic mythology, but Chris Rock’s character encapsulates this same ridiculous cop out about halfway through the film when he says, “It’s not important what you have faith in, just that you have faith.”

Now, when you break it down like that, it’s pretty clearly that we’re dealing with batshit lunacy. That statement could be used to justify any psychotic delusion you could imagine and yet it’s presented within the movie as the soft-pedaling endorsement of religion. In Book of Mormon the main character overcomes his crisis of faith by realizing that it doesn’t matter if the stories are bullshit as long as they help people to live a better life.

I don’t know if Trey Parker, Matt Stone or Kevin Smith actually believe that. I suppose it’s possible that they’re just trying to make their story a bit more palatable to a majority religious audience. It might be that a hard atheist message is tantamount to killing the dog in American entertainment. After all, you can’t have 80% of your audience walking out knowing that they were the ones you’d been making fun of the whole time.

But ultimately it’s a profoundly stupid concept. It’s like saying “I’d love the forest if it weren’t for all the damn trees”. It’s like saying the gun had nothing to do with the bullet.

Sure, the specific tenets of any religion are stupid. I think even religious people admit that at this point. But they cling to that misguided notion that it doesn’t matter because the results are positive. Sure, they’re not universally positive… but their religion is positive right now in their lives. How can that be a bad thing?

Of course, our cream-of-the-crop atheist listeners already know the answer to this question, but I’m gonna spell it out anyway:

Thinking is important.

Thinking isn’t as easy as some people seem to think it is. The very fact that we use the term “common sense” as anything but an example of an oxymoron is plenty of proof of that. Critically examining a question isn’t something that comes to us innately. You have to learn how to do it.

And of course, a religious worldview stand in the way of all of that. It’s not enough to have the right answer if you got there the wrong way. If you think the only reason it isn’t okay to murder people and take their shit is because god said so, you’re a dangerous motherfucker. To use an example from Book of Mormon, if you think the only reason not to fuck a baby is because Joseph Smith might turn you into a lesbian, that’s not enough.

The problem isn’t this silly belief or that one. It’s the method they use to get there. You can believe any insane, detrimental shit you want, but if you used reason to get there, I can reason you back out. I can show you where you fucked up your chain of logic. But there’s no way to faith you back from the ledge.

Religion forces you to relinquish critical thought. It can’t be arrived at through empirical means and it can’t stand up to logical evaluation so it has to. That’s a prerequisite to faith. Hell, that’s the definition of faith. It’s a damn shame this doesn’t go without saying, but anything that forces us to stop using our brains is a bad thing but especially when the thing that’s asking us not to use our brains is trying to tell us right from wrong.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is equal opportunity scather, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to offend a new demographic right here in the opening of the segment?

How the fuck are the Mayans keeping their appointments organized, these last nine months? My friend from Belize is always confused. Talking about, “the thing, with the guy, in the place, on the day”

Okay, mildly offensive…

Don’t worry, it gets worse.

In our lead story tonight, a Kansas anti-evolution group is suing the state board of education on the grounds that teaching evolution promotes a religious belief. Yes, they’re suing because evolution is too religious.

So the church . . . is trying to tell the state . . . that they aren’t maintaining a proper separation of church and state?!? There’s a solid headline in there somewhere . . .

“Church not in Kansas anymore, after accidentally invoking First Amendment and getting separated from state.”

The lobbyists in question go by the bullshit flavored moniker “Citizens for Objective Public Education” and they’re suing to block the board from implementing a uniform science curriculum called “Next Generation Science”, but this group would be pissed if it was “Eight generations ago science”, as we’ve had this evolution thing for a while now.

Do they want a state-by-state thing?

“Evolution is real, and cigarettes cause cancer, but so far only in California.”

What if we compromise, and split it right down the middle? Science gets to determine the science curriculum in this life, and the church can decide on the curriculum for the afterlife.

Sounds fair to me. They get way more time that way, right? But according to John Calvert, the attorney defending perpetual stupidity, (quote) “The state’s job is simply to say to students, ‘How life arises continues to be a scientific mystery and there are competing ideas about it’ (end quote and theoretical in-quote quote).

That’s why all gynecologists are trained in human birth, but also stork wrangling . . .

Just in case the stork thing doesn’t continue never happening.

Yeah… who the hell are teachers to teach students stuff about things?

Also, evolution isn’t a wild stab by Darwin at how life arises. It’s a proven explanation of how living things that existed, reproduced other new living things that existed. It has nothing to do with cosmic life origins. If everyone would please turn to page zero, also known as the cover, we can all see that it’s not called Origin of Life, it’s called Origin of Species.

Au contraire, according to the lawsuit learning about evolution (quote) “…cause[s] students to embrace a non-theistic worldview” Now, this is something of an undercurrent to everything we say on this show, but I think from time to time we have to just stop and bask in the stupidity of the war they’re fighting. When Christians realize that learning about reality makes you stop believing in Christianity, their solution is to stop people from learning about reality.

Kansas Christian group sues to remove evolution from curriculum on the grounds that it is a religious belief: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/27/kansas-evolution-lawsuit_n_4005717.html

Moving on to inter-national thought crime news, Sudan’s Top 10 Most Wanted list has a new number one. The dangerous fugitive is implicated in a crime spree during which she turned in her library card, got a new license, and stopped being Muslim. Nahla Mamoud – a Sudanese woman and naturally also a Muslim apostate – had her life threatened by UK politician and big Islam fan, Salah al Bandar.

I think the most fucked up thing about this story was the response from the Metropolitan Police Department, which basically said, “oh, death threats never hurt anyone” and even suggested that investigating Al Bandar might anger him further and lead to more passionate fatwa activity. So apparently they’re willing to overlook an occasional death threat from an Islamist because you know Muslims and their silly fatwas…

Crazy old scalawags … hair tussle, shoulder punch …

Being Muslim and therefore having no choice in the matter, Bandar led something known as a ‘takfir’ campaign against Mahmoud. Takfir is an Arabic word that means something similar to “excommunication” plus “we-have-to-kill-you-now”.

Oh. So then what does Allah Akbar mean then?

Well I was watching Air Force One, and it seemed like “Allah Akbar” means “I’m a Muslim evil henchman, and my bosses are hijacking this plane.”

… Oh I get it… people watching Air Force One… that’s good. How many more times the Muslims are gonna make it this easy on us? “What? She said Muslims were intolerant of the opinions of women!? Kill that bitch!”

The “bitch they wish to kill” has been advised by police that her best legal recourse would be to stop existing, because it angers Muslims, and would help avoid a murder, including a bunch of annoying paperwork.

Well, she does have a vagina…

Obviously Muslims aren’t all terrorists, but . . . traditional sharia law really does call for execution of apostates. Sure, the sloppier progressive Muslim theocracies have eased that back to mere amputation. But they don’t specify amputation of what, so I imagine they have a spinning wheel like The Price is Right. The Slice is Right.

“BEEP, BOP, BOOP–Clitoris.”

New article on Sudanese Apostate cut from last week: http://freethoughtblogs.com/maryamnamazie/2013/09/28/statement-on-the-takfir-campaign-against-activist-nahla-mahmoud/

And in the “Goddamn Blasphemy Laws” file tonight, a Russian judge has ruled that a popular translation of the Koran should be banned for violation of the nation’s law against extremist materials. Muslim leaders are predictably outraged by the notion that a book that calls for the murder of 76.8% of the world’s population and endorses child rape is extreme and vow to brutally murder anybody who says it is.

These outraged religious leaders of which you speak . . . I can’t picture it . . .

They’re usually all about “gray areas” and “reasonable compromise” . . . Weird . . .

But these angry outliers are saying extremist literature is okay, because of some sort of free exercise, “Belief in Santa” clause.

Well, I guess that’s what they get for having the one holy book that endorses horrible shit.

Their argument is that extremist messages are only safe in the hands of brainwashed masses of fanatically faithful idiots? It’s the disorganized secular jihobbyists that can’t be trusted with understanding allegory? Really?!?

Now I think it’s important to note that basically every Russian official except this one redneck judge is backing away from the ruling and there’s no way that it’ll stick, but Russia’s bigot-class was quick to embrace the ruling. Guy-with-unpronounceable-Russian-name, who was speaking on behalf of political-party-with-equally-unpronounceable-name applauded the decision and even extended the entirely non-racist offer to pay for the deportation of Muslims who didn’t like it.

And the Muslims who did like it, get a paid vacation. So it’s not bigoted at all . . . All the Muslims are being treated equally different.

Obviously, we here at the Scathing Atheist would never support the banning of any book, but we’d especially oppose the banning of a book as insane as the Koran. If the Holy Babble segment has taught us anything it’s this: the most powerful weapon against a religion is its own holy book.

Russian court bans the Koran for being extremist: http://freethinker.co.uk/2013/09/27/russian-court-rules-that-a-translation-of-the-koran-is-extremist-and-orders-its-destruction/

In “South Asian Buddhist Redneck Islander” news, a Sri Lankan exorcist almost survived a botched evil spirit removal at a house outside Colombo. It should be noted that the only way to botch the removal of a spirit that doesn’t exist, is to die during the process, in which case you can’t proclaim success at the end . . . So that’s what this guy did.

I’m dying to hear how a person goes up against a figment of imagination and fails to a fatal degree. And by the way, full disclosure and all, it’s written on the script in front of me and I know exactly how it happened and I’m still dying to hear it out loud.

This particular magical spell called for, among other things, the exorcist to bury himself alive and then trust the onlookers to dig him out when he signalled them by thrusting a sword through the dirt.

Hard to imagine how this could go wrong…

Apparently he misread the recipe … it said sacrifice a whore, and he sacrificed a cat. And of course, when he buried himself alive, the dead cat didn’t prevent his suffocation the way the dead whore would have. After three hours, during which he was dying, and therefore unable to stab his sword up through the ground like he planned, the audience dug up his dead body. Classic blunder. Atheists get in trouble with dead whore scenarios all the time too, and let me tell you, it isn’t . . . something I know anything about.

So what you have here are a bunch of villagers watching this lump of sand saying “You know, don’t get me wrong, this is a solid trick, but it’s kind of boring. He could… you know, maybe stick his hands out of the dirt and juggle or something.” And after three fucking hours somebody says, “You know, not breathing for those first two hours and fifty nine minutes was impressive and all, but he can’t possibly hold it for three hours.”

I heard they attempted to bring him to the hospital, but the exorcist and the cat were pronounced dead by Schroedinger before they even started the ritual.

Sri Lankan exorcist kills cat, self: http://www.nst.com.my/latest/sri-lankan-man-dies-in-failed-exorcism-ritual-1.350008

And in “Stop in the Name of the Lord!” news tonight a police department in Montgomery, Alabama thinks they might have pinpointed the reason their murder rate is so high: Too few Alabamans know about that Jesus guy.

“Montgomery just aint been the same since that godless MLK guy started a-causin’ trouble.”

Because a high tech security system prevents him from physically rubbing his nut sack all over the Constitution, Corporal David Hicks of the Montgomery PD had to settle for the next best thing.

Lots of other Hicks would love to rub out their Hand-cock on the First Amendment too . . .

What was “next best” to that?

Under his direction, the department has instituted an official constabulary proselytization program that gives ministers express access to crime scenes so that they can evangelize to victims and perpetrators and people who are in otherwise vulnerable states of mind. And the best part is, it doesn’t cost a dime unless you’re an Alabama taxpayer.

I’ve said this before . . . They should really have their own schools. I know that phrase doesn’t go over well in Alabama, but religions really need to have their own schools, so that creationist kids can get a separate, but inferior education, like god intended.

In their defense, everyone in Alabama gets an inferior education.

Anyway, the program in question is modeled after similar programs in Ohio and perpetual Scathing Atheist whipping state Texas and is so insanely illegal that the Supreme Court should get to piss on the people who started it at some point. Not only is it clearly a state endorsement of a particular religion (and religion in general), but the costs of training and certifying the ministers is actually paid for out of the public coffers.

Alabama town fights crime with Jesus: http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/09/using-christianity-to-fight-crime/280038/

Our government may be getting too entangled with misogynistic major religions, but at least our legal system still guarantees something vaguely resembling gender equality. Our women can boast proudly that the United States is one of the world’s best places to be raped. Sadly, the same cannot be said for Saudi Arabia . . . It’s a bad place to get raped.

Like… the back seat of a Volkswagen?

Except for the mustache rides . . .

Seriously though, just a single count of ‘rape victim-ing’ can get you in big trouble, beyond just the evil spawn gestating inside of you. Sharia law seems to understand rape in the Hegelian dialectic sense, and therefore the victims are philosophically aiding and abetting the consent-impaired.

I know that I both should and shouldn’t make a transitional joke here or something…

One particular Saudi woman – a “convicted rape victim” – had her sentence of 90 lashings increased to 200 lashings plus six months in jail, because her lawyer told the world media that he was representing something called a “convicted rape victim”. Saudi Arabia points out . . . “Listen – we also convicted the seven rapists, and added to their sentence too. It’s not like we only punished the victim.”

Fuck… What do you say to another one of those preemptive wars we Americans seem to like so much? Fucking seriously. I feel like any group of human beings who can enforce a law that would punish a nineteen year old girl for being gang raped has rescinded their right to sovereignty. These backward-ass, prehistoric, sociopathic, misogynistic bastards aren’t qualified to judge an episode of Cupcake Wars.

Saudi Arabia is not a good place to get raped: http://freethinker.co.uk/2013/09/27/rape-victims-lashes-increased-because-her-lawyer-publicised-her-barbaric-sentence/

And from the “Sikh of Being Ignored” department, the American Sikh community was…

Wait, fuck that, I’ve gotta go back to that goddamn Saudi Arabian story… Seriously, if you asked me to just make up the worst, most horrible example of injustice I possibly could, I’d have fallen short of this shit. I mean, it’s plenty fucked up that they would whip a woman for willingly having sex outside of wedlock but for getting fucking raped!?

It just teaches the wrong lesson . . . Be slutty . . . Enjoy the gang rape. You don’t want women enjoying this horrific ordeal. What kind of message does that send?

Exactly. Because as fucked up as a law against being raped is, this is even worse in practice because what it amounts to is a law against reporting rape. It’s a disincentive for women to exercise even the insignificant fraction of rights they have in these anencephalous theocracies. Seriously. And think about how few rapes get reported even here where it’s legal. I mean, what rationale can they possibly use? Is the judge really walking away going, “Well that slut’ll think twice about getting brutally assaulted next time”?

One more unsolicited joke?

No.

And that means “NO” . . . not “yes, and bring six friends”.

Seriously, just hold off on the rape jokes for a second. I need two paragraphs to get this shit off my chest.

So you’re gonna say “get the shit off my chest” and I’m supposed to not make a Cleveland Steamer joke?

Yeah. Look, I know you have the whole complete lack of a moral compass thing to your sense of humor and I love it as much as the next guy, but I just need you to pump the brakes on it for a minute. Because this story is so demonically fucked up it’s important that we actually stop and reflect what exactly we’re talking about here.

I don’t want to pile on the gang rapejokes, but I really only get the occasional opportunity to-

Whoa! Think about it, we’re talking about a barely adult girl is brutally raped and then gets whipped bloody. As a punishment. 200 lashes? What the fuck!? Are we in the goddamn middle ages or something?

The funny thing about gang raping a girl with six buddies is that-

Shh…. save me the edit dude, there’s nothing funny about that.

Well if I never get to the punchline there’s no way to know how funny…

Sharia law my ass… it’s not fucking law. And this is not… it’s important to say, this is not a Muslim thing. This is a theocracy thing. Go watch the fucking fundie Christian preachers on YouTube and tell me these misogynistic asstards wouldn’t be sentencing rape victims to lashes if they could. “Well she wers wearing pants so she was askin’ for god to make her get raped.”

Okay, now can I tell one last rape joke?

Yeah, I’m done…

Would you rather be raped once by six buddies, or six times by one guy?

Ok that’s it, I’m ending the segment-

Six one, half dozen the other.

Sikhs demand (and get) removal of offensive Bin Laden Halloween costume: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/27/osama-bin-laden-halloween-costume_n_4005862.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

Alright, well now that I’m too pissed to be funny I guess that does it for the headlines. Now where’s my fucking bong? Fucking neanderthals… Anyway, Heath, thanks for joining me.

And when we come back we’ll do a bit that we recorded before I got so pissed off.

Pitch

Each year, nearly one hundred million children are inflicted with religion.

That’s more than three hundred thousand a day,

Fifteen thousand an hour,

Two hundred and fifty a minute,

Four a second,

Pi every 0.785 seconds.

This horrible mental disorder affects a child’s ability to reason, to interact socially… to experience guilt free orgasms.

In it’s early stages, religion can cause sweating, confusion, night terrors, cognitive dissonance, social anxiety and anal leakage.

And if left untreated, it can even lead to complete loss of cognitive function and sphincter function.

You won’t believe the shit that will come out of your ass, and your mouth.

Many victims end up needing an entire crock to store all the shit. But there is a way you can help alleviate this epidemic of oral defecation.

For the cost of just one bottle of single malt scotch a day, you can donate about fifty dollars a day. Or you could just donate the bottle each day.

And every dollar you donate to the Scathing Atheist goes directly toward fighting this horrible disease. Except the part that goes toward pizza.

…and single malt scotch.

The Scathing Atheist is one of the world’s oldest and most trusted New York based, anti-theistic, thirty minute, weekly, amateur, explicit, english language podcasts.

For almost years, we’ve been fighting against this dreadful affliction but we can’t do it without your financial support.

…well, I don’t know if “can’t” is the right word…

We’d rather not do it without your financial support.

And donating to the Scathing Atheist doesn’t just help us, it also helps you. Because if you don’t give the money to us, you’ll probably spend it on crack. Or maybe not, but you never know.

If they’ve got a crack guy, that’s where the money’s going.

So go to Scathing Atheist dot com, look for the donate button on the right side of the page and give until it hurts. Because I’m using my sad voice.

Outro

Huge thanks to C-Webb for letting us use the song there. The dude is as intelligent as he is talented and in addition to arranging biblical poems for rap, he also does a really well presented, well reasoned counter-apologetics podcast. If you want to check it out, and you almost certainly do, you’ll find a link to his homepage on the shownotes for this episode.

http://cwebbssundayschool.com/

And speaking of awesome podcasters whose podcasts you would almost certainly enjoy, I also need to thank Thomas from Thomas and the Bible for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. He’s been doing a really funny podcast for years now where he’s breaking the bible down verse by verse from an atheist perspective so if you like our Holy Babble segment but want a little more detail, you’ll find a link to his show on the shownotes as well. Can’t recommend it enough.

http://www.thomasandthebible.com/

I also want to thank everybody who responded to my call last week for more Farnsworth quotes. I have quite a stockpile now so if you sent me a soundclip, thank you. I will definitely use it, but it might take a minute to get through the backlog now.

I also wanted to toss out a quick plug for an atheist meet and mingle going on in Vegas on the weekend of October 18th. We don’t have enough time to spell out the details, but if you’re going to be in or around Vegas that weekend and it looks like a debaucherously good time. We’ll have a link to their Facebook page on the shownotes as well.

https://www.facebook.com/events/157814217717033/

One additional and important note; nominations for the People’s Choice Podcast Awards are going on right now and I’ve gotten several messages from people who wanted to let us know that they nominated us. We are, of course, absolutely flattered, but we’re actually not eligible for a Podcast Award this year. For whatever reason their rules stipulate that a podcast has to have started on or before January first of this year to be eligible so as much as we appreciate it, use your nomination wisely.

And before we power down tonight, I also need to thank Heath for being a really funny bastard and doing it on this show. I also need to thank Lucinda for helping us out with the little donation pitch this week, for putting up with all the time I spend on this podcast and for regularly having sex with me.

But most of all, we need to thank this week’s most important accumulations of molecules, Forrest, Ward, Shane, Tom, Ryan, Daniel and Marcel. Forrest, mighty slayer of dragons; Ward, tamer of beasts and women; Shane, friend to all the woodland critters; Tom, masked nunchaku master; Ryan, bain of the villainous; Daniel, grand and legendary conqueror; and Marcel, assassin of the gods.

Together these seven valiant warriors have earned their way into legend, myth and our archives by giving us money. And of course, if you’d like to join their illustrious ranks, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’re looking for a way to help but you work for the Federal Government and thus have no income at present, you can also help us out by leaving us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you found us. And if you need a little more Scatheism in your life, you can check us out on Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and our erratically published blog.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music except the awesome Joshua rap that was used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission. And I also had CWebb’s permission to use his awesome Joshua rap.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism, atheism, atheism podcast, atheist podcast, Coporal David Hicks, Nahla Mamoud, Salah al Bandar, Sharia law

Newer Entries Older Entries

The Scathing Atheist

Archive

Episode 42 – Partial Transcript

Episode 41: Partial Transcript

Episode 40: Partial Transcript

Episode 39: Partial Transcript

Episode 38 – Partial Transcript

Episode 37 Partial Transcript

Episode 36 – Partial Transcript

Episode 35 – Partial Transcript

Episode 34 – Partial Transcript

Episode 33 – Partial Transcript

Atheist Tithing Option:

Podcast RSS

Archives:

Email Subscription

Principia

Tweets: