Episode 36 – Partial Transcript
By Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited out of the final program due to time constraints)
Warning: This podcast contains explicit, fiendish, naughty, dirty, filthy, filthy, filthy language.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Little Boys Blew E-Cig: The pole smoking cessation device for Christian gays who want to quit. Pecker-Gonomically shaped to replace the cock-in-mouth satisfaction of the habit . . . without the bad taste, the tar going down your throat, or the secondhand pole-smoke eye irritation.
Here’s a testimonial from a real recovering gay:
“I smoke my Little Boys Blew pole everyday, and now I don’t need Nick – a teen I used to blow.”
Little Boys Blew E-Cigs: Proudly giving little boys blue balls since 2012.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s October 24th,
And children, sluts, and gays have only seven days left to shop for clothes in the same store.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from genetically dominant New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode
We learn that Texas would make a great electoral college dropout.
The Tea Party files suit against a gaggle of gay rhesus monkeys.
And we’ll take an in depth look, at the last of three bullet points.
But first, the diatribe…
What I wouldn’t have given to have been sitting across from Oprah when she said it. If I could have possessed Diana Nyad’s brain for five quick minutes Oprah would never need another fad diet again cause I’d have torn that fat bitch a new asshole so big she could pass a whole turkey. I feel like Travolta in Pulp Fiction: It would’ve been worth her saying it, just so I could have been there to answer it.
Now, before I go any further, let me take a minute to explain the situation to the six atheists that haven’t heard it yet. Oprah, as you may know, is a vile, contemptible, immoral, melon-headed scut. She’s made billions by shilling for every pseudo-scientific snakeoil salesman she can find, she gives demonstrably incorrect medical advice to the least educated people in our society and she pretends to be a philanthropist when companies donate shit to her audience.
But she’s a Christian. Because there’s nothing in the bible against pilfering from the poor and lying, is there? And what’s more, she one of those bitchy, holier-than-thou, high and mighty Christians with superiority complexes. I believe the technical term for those type of Christians is “Christians”.
So last week she’s interviewing Diana Nyad, who is an exceptional human being in pretty much anyway you care to define “exceptional”. She’s the one that recently became the first woman to swim from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage and she did it at age 64. And this is only the latest in a long list of incredible shit she’s done in her life. She swam all the way around the island of Manhattan and was the first woman to ever swim from Bermuda to Florida. And she’s an atheist.
Oprah has her own television channel now because what’s the point in making the money if you can’t piss it all away in an ill-advised hyper-self-indulgent debacle of a business strategy? And among the many shows nobody’s watching over there is Oprah’s “Super Soul Sunday”.
Now, as you can tell from the witless pun in the title, it’s a show about faith. So Oprah doesn’t take long to broach the subject. In the opening minutes of the interview she points out that Nyad identifies herself as an atheist.
Nyad launches immediately into that semi-apologetic “I’m an atheist but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends” response. I hate hearing this crap, but I understand why so many prominent atheists say it. She’s basically saying, “I don’t believe in your fairy tales, but it’s okay if you do.” It’s basically a cultural necessity in this country, which is a sad damn shame. There’s no other demographic of belief that feels obligated to publicly apologize for existing, but that’s ‘Murica for you.
Anyway, she’s in the middle of saying something along the lines of, “I’m an atheist, but when I sit on a beach with my Christian and Muslim and Buddhist friends and we all look up in to the night sky, we all share the same awe and wonder and appreciation for the universe and for all the people that came before us and are yet to come.” But she can’t get all the way through it, because Oprah has gone 42 consecutive seconds without bloviating and that’s her limit.
So as soon as Nyad starts talking about awe and wonder, Oprah cuts in with an interjection that was all but scientifically-formulated to be maximally condescending. “Well then I don’t consider you an atheist” she says. “If you believe in the awe and the wonder, then I don’t consider you an atheist.”
Now, Nyad was as political as possible and handled herself well. Not that it would have taken a Herculean effort to highlight what a derogatory bitch Oprah was being there, but Nyad did fine. She killed her with kindness and that was probably the smartest way to handle it. That being said, I’d have gone another way.
When Oprah said, “Well I don’t consider you an atheist, then,” I’d have answered back with, “Well if you think women should be allowed to speak in public I don’t consider you a Christian, but luckily all that matters is what you consider yourself.”
But it got worse. Nyad admitted that, hey, maybe she was wrong. And rather than concede that she, too, could be wrong, Oprah agreed that yes, Diana Nyad might be wrong. And then she went on to explain how distressing that was going to be when she died and burned for eternity in hell.
And to her credit Nyad played along. I’d probably have answered back with something like, “Yeah, but I suppose it’s just as likely that you and I will both be standing in front of Allah or Ganesha or some long-forgotten Irish Pagan god and we’re both fucked, but most likely none of these prehistoric civilizations were able to circumvent centuries of scientific research and chance upon an unverifiable truth about the origins of the cosmos by sitting around on mushrooms and staring into a fucking bonfire.”
I’ve already talked plenty about the awe of atheism on this show so I don’t want to rehash is all here, but I will say this: When I look up at the sky I see billions of years of stellar transformation. When Oprah looks up at the sky she sees a wizard who likes shiny lights. When I look at my hand I see trillions of generations of evolution that connect me to every organism that lives or has ever lived. When Oprah looks at her hand she sees a wizard who needed something that would fit around the banana. When I look at the mountains I see a complex and exciting geological history writ large before me. She sees a wizard who figured earth wasn’t lumpy enough.
As atheists, we stand in awe of a lot of things… but perhaps the thing I’m most in awe of is the stupidity it takes to look past the entire universe of things that actually exist and stand in awe of something that doesn’t.
Joining me for headlines tonight is a man whose liver can convert scotch to creatine, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to enhance your performance with performance impairing drugs?
Cheers, bitches! Let’s do this!
In our lead story tonight Scientology is bullshit. France’s highest court confirmed as much when recently upholding a 2009 fraud conviction that indicted the church’s French branch, it’s bookstore and five of it’s leaders.
They have a fucking bookstore?!? What’s it called . . . Borders on Insanity?
The church was sued for pressuring their members to pay vast quantities of money to have invisible alien souls removed from their aura. And while the church does not deny that they were pressuring recruits to pay for said alien soul removals, they still appealed the conviction on the grounds that they’d rather not talk about the invisible-alien-soul thing.
How did Christianity, Judaism, Islam, et al manage to avoid similar convictions?
They were grandfathered in. Calling the decision (quote) “an affront to justice and religious liberty”, Scientology’s head whackaloon accused the French government of (quote) “anti-religious extremism”. He even said that they would have officially change the name of fried potato wedges in their cafeteria to “freedom fries” except that would be stupid.
Instead of fries, you can also get the tossed salad, ordered by saying: “Freedom kiss my ass.” Jelly and syrup optional.
Speaking of eating ass with jelly in it, the French court sentenced the church and its affiliated bookstore more than three-quarters of million dollars in fines for what they plainly labeled as “organized fraud”. In an unrelated story, those thetans were a little bigger than we thought they’d be, you know, and the wiring’s shot… so it’s probably gonna be a couple hundred more than we talked about to, you know, relieve you of your engrams.
Scientology fraud conviction upheld: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/16/scientology-fraud-france_n_4108668.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And in “Of Fucking Course They Did” news, Secular Humanism recently shat all over Christianity in a debate, as one might imagine. The question was: “What provides a better foundation for civil society: Christianity or Secular Humanism?” Turns out … despite being in an old book … rape, genocide, slavery, homophobia, and misogyny are generally bad for civil society, so Christianity loses.
I hear this was the latest in a series of debates that included, “Which provides a more accurate depiction of anatomy; McGraw-Hill’s “A Textbook of Human Biology” or Milton Bradley’s Operation™?” and “What would you rather have on your scrotum, Kiera Knightley or flesh eating termites?”
Sociology professor Dr. Phil Zuckerman represented the anti-rape, anti-genocide, anti-slavery, pro-anal, anti-misogyny Secular Humanist position. Dr. David Marshall argued pro-those-things … and anti-anal. Zuckerman won within the first minute when he and his opponent both submitted the Bible as Exhibit A.
“We ask that the audience kindly disregard everything except John 3:16 and the rear cover”
Adventure Christian Church – the California mega-church that foolishly hosted and filmed the religion-embarrassing event – is refusing to release the tape, despite having promised Zuckerman the results would be publicized. Zuckerman pointed out they were caught with their pants around their ankles, and that those pants were on fire, and demanded an explanation. Pastor Bryan Hardwick responded, (quote) “It just didn’t go the way we wanted it to go. We were not represented well. So our publicists advised us to destroy something called the ‘EE..VID…DEN…SEE’. And after they explained that meant the tape, we destroyed the tape.”
Christianity loses debate and refuses to release tape: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/20/after-christian-loses-to-atheist-in-a-debate-the-church-that-sponsored-the-event-wont-release-the-video/
And in “No, I really could eat a horse, it says so right here” news tonight, a group of Syrian clerics have expanded the acceptable sources of sustenance to starving citizens to include dogs, cats and donkeys. Curiously the fatwa stopped short of authorizing people to eat “whatever the fuck they had to to not starve!” Seriously. Bacon is still off the fucking menu.
The news coverage shows these tragic scenes in Syria . . . Mountains of corpses with big piles of atheist air-dropped bacon sitting right there next to them. It’s hard to watch.
Now, I kind of want to tread lightly here, because there is some massively horrible shit going on in Syria and people are starving and there’s nothing funny about starving people unless there’s a lot of them in a phone booth or a tiny car or something, but the audacity of a religious leader telling people “Yeah, it’s okay to eat the dog now” when people are already burping up hairballs and the collar is still worth noting.
Say what you will about groups of starving people and Latinos, but they do indeed look funny all jammed into that one clown car.
To the clerics credit, the fatwa was meant to draw attention to the plight of the Syrian people, warning that if things get much worse, the living might be forced to eat the Denny’s.
“Moons Over My Hamas” would finally become popular . . .
Okay as we often do, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock: Menu Items at the Muslim Denny’s. Go!
Arab Spring Rolls
The Hot Mohamm-and Cheese
I could go for a turban-ana split.
Belgian Fatwaffles … with a Hijack and Coke
Followed by a Martyr-imisu for desert.
Capitalist Pigs in a Blanket
I was thinking Pigs in a Burka, but okay…
Jihad Boiled Eggs… or no, Sunni Side Up
If we’re going steak, I prefer Gaza-Strip.
Hash Browns is already a derogatory term for Arabs, right? If it’s not, I call it.
Muslims decide it’s okay for starving Syrians to eat dogs: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-24532793
And moving on to “Ass Holy Land” news, the new Mecca of homosexuality is surprisingly close to Mecca. The State of Kuwait finally noticed all the gays we Americans smuggled in, while storming and subsequently shielding their desert. The ungrateful Kuwaiti government we installed, has responded by developing highly advanced gaydar technology, with plans to screen out homosexuals at their borders.
“Not gay, huh? Okay, Mocha, champagne, chartreuse. Colors or beverages? Quickly now!”
The ass-crack security squad will be aided by genital sniffing dogs that can detect that “gay sex smell” up to 72 hours later.
Common misconception. They’re not smelling the gay sex, they’re smelling the resulting santorum.
And they’re eating it up. In addition, Kuwait will employ geneticists that can tell from your DNA, if your biological parents are indeed a same-sex couple. Furthermore, anyone displaying clothing with several colors of the visible light spectrum, or anyone stylishly coordinating a single color of said spectrum, will be executed on the spot. It may sound crazy, but gay people really do dress like that.
My total lack of color coordination is one of the two main reasons I’d be terrible at homosexuality. The other being that I gag when I brush my tongue.
Now I wouldn’t normally do this, but I’d like to make a joke about Muslims here . . . Nevermind, I’ve got nothing. So I’ll just genuinely describe their final method of homosexual detection. Taking a cue from the Salem Witch Trials, all suspected gays will be shackled and thrown into a river. If they drown, they’re safe, and have conveniently already received a proper Muslim burial. But if they float, they’ll be denied entry for being too flam-buoyant.
Kuwait gets national gaydar technology: http://www.newsweek.com/kuwait-plans-medical-test-identify-and-ban-gays-569
And in “Isn’t the fact that you believe we’ll burn in horrible torment for eternity enough?” news tonight, the American Atheist Organization has hit a stumbling block in their efforts to promote their upcoming 2014 Convention in Salt Lake City. The stumbling block? Salt Lake City.
Nobody wants a bunch of atheists – with long, evolved genitalia – coming to town for the weekend, and fucking their wives. We’re hung a lot better than Jesus.
Now as I count it, there are at least 7 companies renting billboards in the Salt Lake area and at least seven of them have rejected American Atheist’s ads for being too offensive. One company actually rejected the ads with an explanation that they reserved the right to reject ads that they (quote) “find to be misleading, deceptive or offensive…”
So you’re telling me Matt Stone and Trey Parker had to publicize their Tony Award-winning, broadway musical homage to Mormonism, without any help from billboards in the MoMo Mothers Land?
Must have. And lest you allow an image of Satan skull-fucking the Virgin Mary to color your opinion of the news story, we should point out that basically the only factual claim being made on these billboards is “Atheists: We aren’t nonexistent”. When asked if there were changes they could make to the ads to meet the companies standards, officials replied, “no, it’s your existence that offends us.”
And that’s why we put the convention in Utah . . .
Offend people with “Atheists Aren’t Not” campaign . . . Check.
American Atheists to hold convention in Salt Lake City, no billboard company will rent to them: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/18/these-atheist-billboards-were-deemed-too-controversial-for-salt-lake-city-utah/
And in “I thought the blacks gave us AIDS” news, it wasn’t the blacks, it was the gays . . . at least according to Tea Party leader and former Baptist pastor Rick Scarborough. We will circle back to that, I promise, but first, I’ve gotta say . . . I fucking love this story!!! You’ve got potential for AIDS jokes, gay jokes, and Tea Party jokes … which is like the holy trinity of scathingly atheist podcast headline stories. Plus black jokes – It’s the holy quartet of that stuff.
So a black guy, a gay guy and an AIDS patient walk into a tea party…
Barista says “Get the fuck out of here!” . . . or “Oh what a lovely tea party” . . .
This tale of bigotry starts in an unexpected place. At a Tea Party unity event, homophobia champion Peter LaBarbera suggested to Scarborough that FOX News and NatGeo should devote more coverage to interesting rare species like ex-gays and black Republicans, also known as Aunt and Uncle Toms, respectively and disrespectfully.
And while we’re at it, where are all the stories about transgendered, evangelical, inuit potato barons and black people that tip?
Scarborough then made the obvious segue to the idea that there should be a class action lawsuit against homosexuals for making god mad, and forcing him to rain sulfur and AIDS on us. To justify this plan, the former pastor said the following, out loud: (quote) “Homosexuality much more likely leads to AIDS, than smoking leads to cancer.”
This whole conversation was a Russian nesting doll of insanity. I shit you not, every time I thought we’d reached the lowest stratum, they would peel back one more layer of psychological guano and take us deeper into the dank and labyrinthine dungeon that is the ultra-conservative mind. Two seemingly conscious human beings are sitting there talking about suing… what, suing earth for spawning the queers? And THEN it gets crazy!!!
LaBarbera agreed he would love to see such a law suit, although he lamented the lack of a perfect infected poster child for the cause, saying (quote) “We always wanted to see one of the kid in high school who was counseled by the official school counselor to just be gay, then he comes down with HIV. But we never really got the client for that.” How unfortunate for the Tea Party that a guidance counselor didn’t idea murder a gay student yet.
Tea Party leader proposes class action lawsuit against homosexuality: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/10/18/tea-party-leader-proposes-class-action-lawsuit-against-homosexuality/
And in “gold-plated gold plates” news, Vatican officials the world over are asking Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst why he couldn’t have built a more modest gilded palace. The complaints center around a renovation to the Bishop’s palace that was originally estimated to cost an already obscene 3 million euros, but eventually ballooned to an amount more than 31 million euros, or 261,519 kids not starving to death in a given year.
And speaking of starving kids, this is not the first time Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst has been accused of having a lifestyle as stupidly extravagant as his name. Last year a magazine article pointed out that when he went to visit starving kids in India, he took a first class flight, costing a thousand euro, or 8 dead kids, plus a ninth kid about 40% dead. Then he lied about it in sworn affidavits, which led to legal fees of about fifteen thousand euro. This meant murdering 126 more kids, which – in his defense – is a nice round number … but still.
When asked how he thought Jesus would feel about his ostentatious lifestyle, the gold-plated bishop pointed out that he’d also invested millions in genetically engineering really tiny camels.
German Bishop builds palace fit for an Prosperity Gospel preacher: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/10/catholic-bishop-spends-lavishly-palace
And that’s gonna do it for headlines, Heath, thanks as always.
Blasphemy sign off…
And when we come back we’ll be the same… but different.
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly minute we set aside to bring you up to speed on all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world.
We have a lot to talk about this week so we’ll have to move quick. We’re gonna start in America’s penis, Florida. On the weekend of November 2nd the Florida Freethought Conference in Orlando will be welcoming in James Randi, Dale McGowan, DJ Grothe, Darrel Ray and more.
On the same weekend and half a world away we’ve got the Festival of Dangerous Ideas in Sydney, Australia. Not exactly an atheist event but it will feature the Australian debut of “The Unbelievers”, the new documentary featuring Richard Dawkins and Lawrence Krauss. Should be fun.
On November 9th it doesn’t matter where in the world you are, it’s Carl Sagan day. But if you happen to be near Bloomington, Indiana, you can check out the Carl Sagan Day Conference featuring my favorite living astrophysicist, Phil Plait. Should be fun.
On the 15th we kick off a huge one one state over. The 6th annual Skepticon in Springfield, Illinois will feature a huge list of prominent speakers including but not limited to Greta Christina, Richard Carrier, Hemant Mehta, Aron Ra, Rebecca Watson, Shelly Segal and dammit I wish I was gonna be there.
On the 16th of November we’ve got the Orszagos Szkeptikus Konferencia in Szekesfehervar, Hungary. I’d say more, but holy shit, every Hungarian word seems to have at least one ‘z’ in an unpronounceable place and half a dozen accent marks so fuck it, just check the link if you’re interested.
On the weekend of the 22nd we’ve got a big one in Australia. The Australian Skeptics’ National Convention in Canberra. Should be a lot of fun even though I’ve never heard of any of the speakers except Richard Saunders. I know we’ve got a lot of listeners in and around New South Wales so figured I had to mention this one.
That does it for this month’s calendar but remember, if you’re involved with an atheist, skeptical or otherwise secular conference or meetup that could use a free plug, let me know. You’ll find the contact info along with links to the homepages to all the events we discussed here on the shownotes at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
It’s time for the part of the show that comes net, listener feedback.
This is the part of the show where you say shit, and we say shit back.
Our first email comes to us from Heath in Long Island City and he says, “Hey, we should have some kind of bumper for the feedback segment.”
And our next email comes from Noah in Forest Hills, New York and he says, “What do you think of this?”
Eh… it’ll do.
And our first real email comes to us from the land down under Georgia, Florida, where Nate was sitting when he typed, “I think your show has real potential,”
Laying the flattery on thick early…
Your email’s flawed so far, but may have prospects just yet.
Right… oh, it gets better, “I think your show has real potential, but it’s getting to the point where I can hardly listen to it. We get it. You hate Christians. Can we move on to something else?”
Well I guess our work here is done. From now on, it’s all heart-warming stories about crippled puppies overcoming adversity. The religion problem is solved. Nate gets it . . .
No we would never do that!!! Crippled puppy stories just don’t have legs.
Yeah, sorry if you get it, Nate, but this is kind of what we talk about on our anti-theistic podcast here. But luckily there are these things called “other podcasts” that you may not yet get, so I’d encourage you to branch out.
And our next message comes to us from someone with much better taste in shit to write to us about, Clara in Virginia writes to ask, “Why is your show only 30 minutes long? You say all the time that you have to edit down the interviews or cut bits, but why? I don’t think anybody would mind if it ran to 35 or 40 minutes once in a while.”
Okay, fair question. Part of this is just sheer anal retentiveness on my part and I’ll admit that, but ultimately I think we can put out a better show every week if we know we’ve only got 30 minutes to get all the shit said that we’re gonna say.
And it’s very much our intention to leave Clara in Virginia always wanting just a little bit more.
Next we’ve got a message that comes to us from the Facebook. Dalene wants to know if Heath is as sexy as he sounds.
Yep . . . (clears throat) I mean “Dammmnnn Riiiighttt!!!”
That Heath Enwright is one Atheist Mother-Shut your mouth!!!
We also got an email from David in Australia who took time off of battling prehistoric dragon-flies with a machete long enough to write the following email:
“Hey guys (and gal),
I write to you with a heavy heart. From all the news reports I’ve seen it seems less and less likely that Ken Ham will ever be able to open the doors on his Ark Park. It seems to me that nobody stands to gain more from the opening of a Creationism based theme-park than people who make fun of religion for a living, so I was hoping I could inspire you to help.
Any ideas on what Ken could do to prop up the flagging interest in his park and inspire the investors to push it over that final hurdle?”
Yeah, David, I’m glad you asked. And the answer is, of course, gay atheist midget velcro wall catapult tic-tac-toe. That’s right, if Ken Hamm hired a troupe of gay atheist midgets to wear velcro suits, and be shot from a catapult by redneck kids into a life size tic-tac-toe wall, he’d easily double his attendance. It would also give us atheist podcasters the chance to make jokes about gay atheist midget velcro wall catapult tic-tac-toe, but as long as Ken Hamm refuses to be creative, we never get that opportunity.
Hell, I’ve never even had a chance to say gay atheist midget velcro wall catapult tic-tac-toe… but I’m only out hope that someday I’ll have a reason.
I also thought of a few rides he could add to the investor’s prospectus that might grease the wallets a bit. First of all, I should have to tell them that they need a ride called the “Screaming Jesus”. I’m an atheist and I’d go there to “ride the Screaming Jesus”.
Couple other ideas:
A tunnel of love with bucket seats and a glass partition… you’ve gotta cater to your target audience, after all.
The sermon on space mountain, seemed like an obvious one to me.
Maybe a “Guess your IQ” booth?
Gotta have the basics of course, the Holy Roller Coaster… maybe the Virgin Mary-go-round.
And finally, and this one might fuck up repeat customers, but how about the “Catapult to Heaven”? And basically it just goes straight into a brick wall.
Nice little heaven pile at the bottom.
That does it for the feedback section. If you want us to answer your shit, you’ve gotta send it to us.
You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Before we pull the drain plug tonight, I had a couple of quick announcements. First I wanted to make a correction to something I said in last week’s outro. I said that if I didn’t have a CafePress site up and running by Saturday I’d have nobody to blame for it but myself. Turns out I do have somebody else to blame, namely the dude that promised to have all the files in the correct size and format to me by Thursday, didn’t send them until Sunday and didn’t have them in the correct format or size. All that being said, I feel every bit as confident that we will have shwag available this Saturday as I was when I incorrectly announced that we would have shwag available last Saturday.
But I really think it’ll happen this time. Seriously. Because to be perfectly honest, I’m sick of looking like a tit that’s too stupid to open a CafePress site over a five week span.
I also want to tease you with the promise that on episode 40 we’ll be announcing a couple of other long awaited awesome reasons to give us money, but that’s all I’m saying about that just yet.
I also wanted to ask for a little help from our audience. I really, really, really want Ricky Gervais to do a Farnsworth quote for the show because Rick Gervais is fucking awesome. So I’m hoping all the Tweeters in our audience can help us out with that. So your challenge is to figure out a way to ask Ricky to do the Farnsworth quote in 140 characters or less. I have a sneaking suspicion that if we could get his ear, he’d be happy to do it, so if you’ve got a minute and a Twitter account, we’d really appreciate your help.
And speaking of really appreciating and help, I need to thank Heath for raising the bar week after week, I need to thank Lucinda for gracing us with her lovely voice to open the show and I need to thank Tim and Matt from the brand spanking new Atheism 101 podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and terrible monkey impersonation. Haven’t had a chance to check out their show yet, but I’m always stoked to hear more voices getting involved… assuming their show is better than their monkey noises.
But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s paramount humans, Forrest, Gerry, Magnus, Jennifer, Drew, Ward, Joshua, Josh and Martin. Forrest, who is often mistaken for a bird or plane; Gerry, whose mind is so sharp they harass him for it at airports; Magnus, whose ejaculate is worshipped by tribal cultures around the world; Jennifer, whose IQ can only be expressed in scientific notation; Drew, whose gargantuan genitals inspired the term ‘testicular eclipse of the sun’; Ward, whose intimidating brilliance will one day earn his visage a spot on the Canadian flag; Joshua, who makes the biblical Joshua look like a pussy; Josh, whose sexual magnetism deflects solar radiation; and Martin, who wants to tell his girlfriend Susan that she’s made the past year of his life the best year of his life… and yes, that’s Susan Bolton of Scotland, whose boyfriend Martin loves her so much that he forewent laudable praise of his intellect, wit and/or penis size to wish her a happy anniversary.
These nine distinguished disbelievers have earned far more praise than my vocabulary can provide by giving us money. Only the highest echelon of humanity donates money to this show, but if you think you share Forrest, Gerry, Magnus, Jennifer, Drew, Ward, Joshua, Josh and Martin’s commitment to excellence in dick and fart jokes, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And incidentally, as I’ve recently demonstrated, if you donate eighty bucks to the show, I’ll be more than happy to wish anyone a happy anything on your behalf.
And of course, if you like the show but not enough to give us money, you can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes, recommending us to a friend and following us on the Facebook and the Twitter and the YouTube. And also, if it’s all the same to you, check out our most recent episodes on Stitcher because we’re on Stitcher so why the hell not, right?
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.