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Posts Tagged ‘mocking the bible’

Public Bible Study

April 27, 2013 5 comments

by Noah Lugeons

I spent the day yesterday doing my civic duty.  I did jury duty once before in a small town down south and I was in and out in two hours, but in NYC it’s a bit different.  Here you go into a large room and sit there for eight hours while they play bad movies so loud it’s hard to read.  They call names and you leave and go do something, but I’m not entirely sure what it is, as my name was never called.  So I basically sat in a large, uncomfortable room where I wasn’t allowed to use my phone for eight hours.

Luckily, I had some reading I needed to catch up on.  We won’t be covering Exodus on the show until episode 13, but that’s no excuse to slack off.  So I brought my Oxford 4th Edition Annotated NSRV Bible and I brought a notepad in case jokes or segment possibilities occurred to me while I was reading and I brought a highlighter, as I’ve taken to highlighting every passage in the bible where god does something horrible.  And for some reason, it never occurred to me what kind of reaction this was going to draw.

So there I am, whittling away very long hours at a table with a bible that I’m clearly studying intently.  I shouldn’t have been at all surprised when a very friendly Christian woman (or, as I would discover, a Christian woman with a very friendly facade) walked up to me, pulled up a seat and said, “I don’t want to interrupt your bible study, but if you don’t mind, are you in seminary?”

For the record, I could not possibly look less like I was in seminary without the addition of facial tattoos.

Now, three answers occurred to me, but none of them seemed socially acceptable:

  1. “Atheist. Just reading it to make fun of it later,”
  2. “Oh please,have a seat.  Anything to interrupt me from this horrible fucking book” and
  3. “I’m boning up for an interview for the new anti-Christ position.”

And honestly, there are a lot of situations where I would have run with any of those, but in this instance it wouldn’t have been appropriate.  After all, I was inviting the conversation by publicly reading a bible to the point of highlighting and taking notes.  It was a fair question and she was probably a really nice person and I was going to be stuck in a room with her for most of the rest of the day, so I scratched all of those answers.

Then my mind started automatically looking for excuses.  I was clearly reading and writing in English so I couldn’t go with the old, “¿Que?” and it would be hard to pretend that I actually had porn hidden inside it unless I could actually make with some porn (and remember, I wasn’t allowed to bring in my phone).

Ultimately I opted for the truth and that pissed her off so much I wish ended up wishing I’d just been a dick.

“Actually I’m an atheist and I’m studying it for debate purposes,” I said in as friendly a way as possible.

“So you don’t believe a word of it?” she asked incredulously.

“Well, I mean… I believe some of the geography and stuff.”

She made several false starts at speech at this point.  She clearly wanted to say several things that Jesus wouldn’t let her say.  Finally she settled on something like, “Well I hope you find some answers in there because I don’t envy your soul.”

“Okay, well… you know… have a nice day or whatever,” I offer back and she welcomes the opportunity to end the conversation.  She takes a seat well across the room and kind of half-ass glares at me a bit.

At this point I realize that unless I want to do this a few more times, I should put the bible away and read something else.  I suppose she took it as a personal insult that the other distraction I brought was “The God Virus”.

Live Blogging the Bible, Genesis 34

April 21, 2013 1 comment

by Noah Lugeons

Alright, so I have a new favorite chapter in the Bible and I also have renewed hopes that the mammoth task of breaking this whole stupid book won’t all suck.  I’m actually shocked that this isn’t one of the stories that Christians trot out more often because it’s fucking awesome.

The story starts out with Dinah, daughter of the notorious pussy-magnet Jacob, catching the eye of Shechem, a Hivite prince.  And you know how those Hivites can’t keep their dicks to themselves, so Shechem rapes her.  But according to Genesis 34:3, after he raped her he was really sweet to her:

And his soul was drawn to Dinah, daughter of Jacob; he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her.

And so post-rape, he decides he want to marry Dinah but Jacob and his sons are still understandably pissed about the whole raping their daughter/sister bit so at first they’re reluctant.  Shechem is persistent a la Pepe Le Pew so eventually Jacob makes a deal.  He tells the prince that if he and all the Hivites will join their tribe, he can marry Dinah.  Now that doesn’t sound to bad, but we learned back in Chapter 17 that part of joining their tribe is lopping off a significant portion of your cock.

But Shechem is smitten so he’s all “Lop off my foreskin and force all the men in my tribe to do the same?  No problem.”  And he agrees to it.

So in what must have been the single most baffling day in Hivite history, all the men cut their foreskins off.  Understandably, there’s not a lot getting done in downtown Hivite-ville that day because all the guys are laying in beds moaning “I hate monarchy!”  And while they’re in that prone, post-circumcision state, Jacob and his boys roll into town and kill all of them.

Yes, that’s right, they kill all the Hivites after tricking them into chopping at their genitals.  I’m guessing the resistance was a bit subdued here.  Hell, a lot of them were probably going, “Yeah, slit my throat, sure.  Whatever takes my mind off the pain in my dick.”

Live Blogging the Bible, Genesis 12:12-20

April 19, 2013 Leave a comment

by Noah Lugeons

So this Abram (cum Abraham) is a morally dubious motherfucker, which is clear pretty early on.  When we meet the guy, he’s almost immediately whoring his wife off to the Pharaoh.  A famine falls upon the land and he has to have this uncomfortable conversation with his wife:

“Hey baby, I know you’re smoking hot and anybody who sees you is gonna want to fuck you, even if they have to kill me to do it.”

“Well, thanks… kind of,” Sarai says back.

“Now, we could not go to Egypt, for sure, and if we don’t nobody will kill me to fuck you,” he added.

“Yes,” Sarai said hopefully, “let’s do that.”

But Abram had other plans, you see.  “Well, yeah, we could.  But I bet there’s another way to go about this where we get donkeys and shit.”

“Do you get killed?” she asked hopefully.

“Nope.”

“Do I get fucked?” she asked, equally hopefully.

“Well, yeah.”

He then proceeds to whore her off to the Pharaoh for some sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male and female slaves, female donkeys and camels.  Note that they don’t specify the genders on the sheep, oxen or camels, but they make sure to tell you that Abraham got enough donkeys to make more.

And what does god do about the whole “pretend-my-wife-is-my-sister-so-I-can-whore-her-off-for-livestock” charade?  He punishes the poor Pharaoh who gave up donkeys of multiple genders for a barren, married prostitute.

This is a really fucked up book.