Live Blogging the Bible, Genesis 12:12-20
by Noah Lugeons
So this Abram (cum Abraham) is a morally dubious motherfucker, which is clear pretty early on. When we meet the guy, he’s almost immediately whoring his wife off to the Pharaoh. A famine falls upon the land and he has to have this uncomfortable conversation with his wife:
“Hey baby, I know you’re smoking hot and anybody who sees you is gonna want to fuck you, even if they have to kill me to do it.”
“Well, thanks… kind of,” Sarai says back.
“Now, we could not go to Egypt, for sure, and if we don’t nobody will kill me to fuck you,” he added.
“Yes,” Sarai said hopefully, “let’s do that.”
But Abram had other plans, you see. “Well, yeah, we could. But I bet there’s another way to go about this where we get donkeys and shit.”
“Do you get killed?” she asked hopefully.
“Do I get fucked?” she asked, equally hopefully.
He then proceeds to whore her off to the Pharaoh for some sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male and female slaves, female donkeys and camels. Note that they don’t specify the genders on the sheep, oxen or camels, but they make sure to tell you that Abraham got enough donkeys to make more.
And what does god do about the whole “pretend-my-wife-is-my-sister-so-I-can-whore-her-off-for-livestock” charade? He punishes the poor Pharaoh who gave up donkeys of multiple genders for a barren, married prostitute.
This is a really fucked up book.