Exodus, in Rhyme
by Noah Lugeons
Okay, so I know that this is already in the post right below this one, but I had a few people ask if I could post it separately so that they could link to the poem directly. So here it is, Exodus, by god, via Moses, via me:
The lord said unto Moses, “An Egyptian’s what you pose as,
But just look at all their noses, and you’ll see that you’re a Jew.”
Unto the Lord then replied Moses, “So what do you suppose is,
gonna happen when they know this? Just what am I to do?”
So he wandered as he pondered, of the Hebrews he grew fonder
So when he saw one get dishonored he attacked the perpetrator.
The dude was dead so Moses fled but in his head what Yahweh said
Still gave him dread as off he sped, telling Egypt “See you later.”
So when he finished with his fleein’ he wound up in Midian,
And he found a priest agreein’ to give up his daughter’s hand.
But the crazy shit he started seein’ left him guaranteein’
That his purpose would be freein’ all the Hebrews in the land.
See, he was tending Jethro’s flocks, when on some holy ground he walks,
He finds a burning bush that talks, and it tells him of his fate.
He asks god to choose another, since when he speaks he gets all buggered
God says, “Sure I guess you stutter, but your brother would be great.”
So upon this holy edict, they headed back to Egypt
And needed Gershom’s wee-dick when Moses wrestled god,
The Hebrews didn’t dare go, so Moses talked to Pharoah
With his eyes enraged and narrow and both his hands on Aaron’s rod;
He said, “LET MY PEOPLE GO!” But the Pharaoh just said “No”,
And fearing that might be so, tossed down the staff that god empowered,
It became a snake but those Egyptians, also had magicians,
Both of their staffs started hissin’, but quickly got devoured.
Still the pharaoh, unimpressed, left this grievance unredressed,
And as you might have guessed, the plagues are here unveiled.
The bloody waters soon arise, frogs start falling from the skies,
He sends a bunch of gnats and flies; epidemics, boils and hail
Still, the Hebrews were unpardoned, when God’s locusts ate their gardens,
Since the pharaoh’s heart was hardened, Moses needed one last card to play.
Now with the firstborns lying dead, the pharaoh finally said,
“Take your unleavened bread, and go the fuck away!”
They rejoiced with sounds like thunder, when the pharaoh knuckled under,
They grabbed a bunch of plunder and followed smoke that god provided;
But soon doubts about the route came out, unto Moses the devout would shout,
“I guess god’s no fucking eagle scout, just look where we’ve been guided!”
You see, pharaoh sent his men of war, in hopes of settling the score,
And here the Jews are on the shore, trapped and ripe for slaughter;
So Moses, feeling like a schmuck, says, “God I think you got us stuck”
It looks like they’re completely fucked, until God divides the water.
Forty years of eating manna later, Moses talks to his creator,
So he could act as God’s translator and carve commandments into stone,
And on the impatient Jews behalf, Aaron makes a golden calf,
Which they then pray to, bringing wrath, for which no mercy would be shown.
Then starting in chapter twenty four, we mostly just discuss decor,
Despite their being plenty more, important things to tackle,
Important shit just gets ignored, as we spend the last sixteen chapters bored,
Learning exactly how the Lord, wants his tabernacle.