Episode 74 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the episode due to time constraints.
Warning: This episode is sexy.
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Halal-iburton: Iraq’s newest monopoly brand of Muslim-friendly snack foods.
Halal-iburton: Iraq’s favorite snackfood since the undisclosed year when we hatched our sinister plot.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
It’s July 17th,
And kids in Cleveland want their jerseys back from the homeless people in Miami.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright, and from “America’s City of Light” New York, New York,
And “America’s City of Lite Beer” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
- Liberty University makes “God Particle Physics” a new pre-req for med students,
- We’ll instigate a holy war,
- And a Tennessee judge suggests a compromise, in which lesbians will be cured slowly – two weekends a month – by the National Guard.
But first, the Diatribe…
You know, it would be easier to come up with a new diatribe every week if the theists didn’t just keep saying the same shit. But unfortunately, they’re stuck in their circular flowchart of debunked arguments and discredited assertions and we, as atheists, are doomed to spend our lives forever trying to drown the same rubber duckies.
Astute listener LeWayne shared a recent article from Slate last Tuesday, but I didn’t allow myself to read it right away. By Tuesday I’m so heavy in prep for the new episode that I couldn’t afford the three hours of rage the headline promised. The title of the piece was, “Atheists Used to Take the Idea of God Seriously… That’s Why They Mattered.” It a book review by a babbling urethra named Michael Robbins.
Now, ostensibly, it’s a review of Nick Spencer’s new history of atheism titled “Atheists: The Origin of the Species,” but one could be forgiven for reading the whole article without ever realizing that, as Robbins is far more focused on pining for the good old days when atheists would shut the fuck up and show religious people deference. In this, he’s really no different than the climate change denialists pissing and whining for equal air time with the people who know stuff and use facts.
His argument, in so much as he offers one, is that religion is more complicated than atheists give it credit for. He admits that religion is hard to define, so hard, in fact, that he makes no effort whatsoever, except to say that we have it wrong. But he rejects the claim that the god hypothesis should be treated as a scientific theory and here’s his justification: The primary purpose of religion isn’t to explain where the universe came from; it’s to tell people how to live their lives.
Yes, you stammering fuck-knob, we know that… we fully understand that the real purpose of religion is to control people’s lives and dictate their morals. That’s why we’re actively working against it. If religion was nothing more than a stupid way of explaining cosmic origins it would hardly be dangerous at all, would it? He references Dawkin’s assertion that religion is a competing explanation for facts about the universe and life and call it (quote) “bullshit”… because apparently telling people how to live their lives doesn’t count as a fact about… life?
He tries the “non-overlapping magisteria” gambit when he tells us that science and religion ask different questions about different things. But again, we already know that… science asks answerable questions about real things. That’s what makes it science. And while we’re on the subject, nobody in the atheist movement begrudges religious people for asking questions… it’s when they start offering answers that we tell them to shut up during grown up time.
But just in case that didn’t stick, he has a few more worn out apologetics to throw against the wall. He gives us the whole “How did something come from nothing?” nonsense and apparently he’s well aware of how science actually answers that question, but dismisses it because real nothing wouldn’t contain quantum fluctuations or laws of physics. So he imagines a state of being unobserved in the universe and unsupported by any scientific model… a space so empty it doesn’t even contain the laws of physics and demands that atheists explain why that state of being doesn’t exist. And no, by the way, he makes no effort at all to explain why the existence of quantum fluctuations is somehow harder to account for than the existence of omnipotent, conscious creative entities that care who we fuck.
He then points out that he’s not just “atheist-bashing” when he says we’re ignorant, unthinking automatons blindly swearing allegiance to Richard Dawkins by pointing out (I swear he really does this) that some of his best friends are atheists. Just the good kind that shuts the fuck up and takes him seriously.
And that’s the whole argument in a nutshell. “It okay if you know I’m wrong, but at least pretend like I’m reasonable! At least pretend like there’s some legitimate debate. The very least you could do is hold my claims to a different set of standards than all other claims. God damn it, I matter!”
But they don’t matter. No actual science is still hashing out the god thing. No physicists are losing sleep over the Kalam cosmological argument. No biologists are comparing their findings to the “god did it” model. No ethicists are proposing the “cause god’ll burn you in hell” approach. No doctors are prescribing prayer. No lawyers are invoking the “devil really did make him do it” defense. No financial planner is figuring in the “they’re about due for a miracle” variable. No meteorologists are factoring in god’s wrath.
The god hypothesis failed. The conversation is over. Religion lost. It’s only relevant in the imaginary academic disciplines they made up to talk about religion. And I’m sure that fact is really inconvenient for the Michael Robbins of the world and all, but nothing they’ve done in the last ten thousand years justifies wasting any more of our intellectual prowess seriously entertaining the “it’s all the whim of a magical Jew” paradigm.
Joining me for headlines tonight is every Jihadis dream target Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to earn your fatwa?
Are you kidding me? The tattoo of Mohammed on my stomach waves when I jiggle. What do I have to do? …
The truffle shuffle at a few more mosques, I suppose…
…Hey you guys!!! Fatwa!!!
In our lead story tonight, the pope didn’t say a goddamn thing, now look at the birdies… if you trust Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi, but we don’t, so we’ll report it the other way, in which Pope Fran-Sybian said in an interview last week that about one of every fifty Catholic priests is a child-rapist. Though the pope said this should, for some reason, comfort him, he finds it almost disturbing enough to act upon.
“So if everyone just makes sure they only know about 40 or so priests – call it 49 max – we’ll all be fine … It’s like cutting the ace of spades … Pretty much impossible.”
Of course, the interview in question wasn’t on tape and the Vatican spokesman denies the pope said shit that was on tape, so no shock that they denied key elements of this report. His most vociferous protests revolved around reports that the pope said child-sex-abusers were prevalent even among Bishops and Cardinals. They also disputed the two percent number, though advocacy groups believe the actual percentage to be almost three times as high.
Sounds like the Pope didn’t say some pretty damning stuff. And how did he decide on “not saying” the 2% number, specifically??? He knows the minimum real number, and decided to deflate it by a “believable amount”???
Assuming Pope Frankle-Biter actually said this, I’m sure his hope was that we would all point out that experts estimate that as many as two percent of all adult males may be pedophiles. That being said, if his number is accurate, that would mean for every ten pedophiles that apply, they hire an average of ten. (But that means they can magically identify pedophiles with 100% accuracy!!! … And hire them!!! Exactly!!!) Lombardi’s focus on the percentage being way lower for Bishops and Cardinals is even harder to get a handle on, as this would mean that they know which ones are fucking kids and don’t promote them. And while that’s no doubt true, it’s nowhere near as bad as pretending the kid-rapers just keep slipping through the well-lubed cracks.
If they made it a “fire-able offense” … that would be a good first step. Then maybe focus on “not hiring” the rapists. Baby steps.
Of course, arguing over what percentage of priests fuck kids is a distraction from the real issue, which is the continued global cover up and active sheltering of the kiddie-diddlers. In other words, it’s probably best to get to the hospital before trying to decide how many of the snakes that just bit you were poisonous.
Pope: 2% of Catholic priests are pedophiles: http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jul/14/pope-francis-priests-paedophiles-la-repubblica
And in “GI Jane Lynch” news, Tennessee magistrate Judge Joe Rehyansky recently suggested on conservative propaganda site, The Daily Caller, that lesbians (but not gays) should be allowed to join the military. Why?!? He believes the onslaught of unsolicited dick in the barracks would cure these women of their preference for consensual vagina … But unfortunately the existing straight female soldiers aren’t a bunch of rapists, so the plan wouldn’t also work for curing the gays.
Ah, the old “Banky Edwards” Good-deep-dicking theory of sexual reorientation. What does it say about religious conservatives that they’re suggestion for curing gay men is praying for them and for gay women it’s fucking them?
The “Private Pyle, Private Mound” idea was actually so stupid and offensive, that even Tucker Carlson’s The Daily Caller made retractions. But before they did, Judge Joe got out several pearls of wisdom to the world. Some of those pearls actually still remain on the site, because they’re really good at drawing lines.
This shit read like an anthropological love poem to rape. The dude literally talks about men swinging through trees to subdue and impregnate as many women as they could, then wiped down his keyboard and added, “It was a tough job, but someone had to do it.”
In another such example, he explains that the natural order during hunter/gatherer times was – by necessity – very rapey … and therefore marvels that women ever got to make vaginal choices before the times of Mace and rape whistles. But now that women have those protections – the judge laments – they’re free to choose “zero penises” … which is a big problem.
But in this assholes mind, being a woman is like being Harry Potter… you don’t choose the wand, the wand chooses you.
Ok so here’s Rehyansky’s since-retracted solution: (quote) “Get the distaff part of our homosexual population off our collective ‘Broke Back’, thus giving straight male GIs a fair shot at converting lesbians and bringing them into the mainstream.” (end quote) … And as much as I appreciate his feeble attempt at gay movie wordplay, he needs to be sodomized by lesbians with huge clits until he cries “Gay Aunt” and stops liking vagina.
As much as I love the visual, I think we’ll have to leave the 30 seconds on the clock for now… I don’t think I have enough Homophobic-Judge-Lesbian-Anal-Clit-Rape titles in me.
Judge: Lesbians can be cured by male soldiers: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2010/11/26/us-judge-says-lesbians-can-be-cured-by-male-soldiers/
And in “String Theory For Dummies” news tonight, the Freedom From Religion Foundation has challenged the right of Miami Jews to use public property to fool their notoriously stupid deity. This story involves what is known as an “Eruv”, which is ridiculous even compared to other Jewish god-baffles.
Is this the one where the Jewish guys – who are expecting a Siberian snowstorm in July at any moment – walk around Williamsburg, Brooklyn with enormous amounts of yarn, instead of carrying their wallet and keys in a backpack???
That’s the one, yes. So among the myriad arbitrary things jew god doesn’t let his chosen people do on the Sabbath is carry stuff in their pockets in public. But with a quick bit of spiritual MacGyvering, Jews can get around the rule by tying a string around their whole community, thus fooling god into thinking it’s not a public place, but a “private” community. The problem, of course, is that the FFRF is a little more observant than Jew-god and still realizes despite the string that those places are public property.
Honestly, I can see why the author made the Old Testament God character so pissed. God tells them to empty their pockets before they leave the house, and instead they tie a string to the front door and carry the spool around the city of Miami like a lunatic.
<<You go out with some scissors and you could take hostages.>>
The FFRF argues that as innocuous as the strings may be they’re still religious symbols that serve a purpose only for people of one religion and thus should be treated no different than a crucifix placed on public land. The local Jewish community has yet to respond, as they’re still trying to figure out how all us gentiles outwitted their magic string.
And in “Educational Malpractice” news, Liberty University of Lynchburg, Tennessee – the Young Earth Creationist institution of lower learning founded by Jerry Falwell – is set to launch it’s own medical school next semester … Which makes about as much sense as the home of Jack Daniels being a dry county.
I wonder if their stance on evolution will require them to perpetually use the flu vaccine from 1938.
The school is only provisionally accredited at the moment, and won’t even be eligible for consideration to be fully accredited until it’s first class is about to graduate. And regardless, they won’t be granting actual MD degrees, but instead DO’s … which are kind of like the GoBot Mr. Pibb GED of the doctor world. So clearly, whoever’s in charge of that, doesn’t want to grant them anything until they demonstrate adherence to a proper curriculum that’s been shown to actually heal things.
And it doesn’t help that it’s a school of “Osteopathic Manipulative Medicine”, which, for those who aren’t familiar with the term, means “Magic bullshit doctor.” This is quackery to the second power here. Creationists creating Chiropractors?
Right so they’re not gonna be allowed to graduate creationist doctors unless, for example, they manage to catch two birds, kill one, dip the live one in the dead one’s blood, sprinkle the blood on a leper, add 8 more ridiculous procedures, and cure him … Barring that, the medical board’s gonna insist on antibiotics … from real doctors, instead of Leviticus remedies from insane people.
Hey, don’t knock it… my grandma had dead-bird, blood-sprinkled-altar therapy and it did wonders for her electromagnetic hypersensitivity and her Morgellons disease.
Creationist med school to open in August: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/15/liberty-university-will-soon-launch-its-own-medicine-school
And from the “We were gonna tell AIDS jokes anyway” file, Maryland pastor Kwabena Sarpong informed a despondent crowd at a fourth of July “Celebrate America” event that we’re only one religious revival away from curing HIV.
Then what the fuck are they waiting for?!? Have another revival and cure AIDS!!! Usefully predict one single good thing that happens!!! … Once!!!
Drawing on the church’s long tradition of knowing stuff and curing things, Sarpong explained that the deviantly secular America would turn to the church if science could just fail to cure HIV long enough, thus implying that everyone who died of AIDS was part of a divine “they’re not lookin’ at me” temper tantrum.
So this guy is saying: “There’s a disease that scientists haven’t cured yet, so atheists will soon assume the only explanation is an asshole god being ‘mysterious’.”
It’s also worth noting that according to Sarpong, provided gay rights don’t irreconcilably damage our nation first, we will turn to god when AIDS patients give up on medicine and let religious people lay hands on them at which time they will (quote) “start walking” (end quote). So yes, apparently god has the power to make people with AIDS walk, along with other miracles Sarpong has witnessed including giving earrings to the deaf and regrowing the beards of amputees.
Pastor says church will soon cure AIDS: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/pastor-religious-right-event-predicts-church-will-soon-cure-hiv
Yeah it’s important to get plenty of walking and other exercise while you’re experiencing multiple organ failure … And in “Rubber Meets the Robe” news, the recent SCOTUS ruling on Hobby Lobby was so awful and backwards, that it created – against all odds – a progressive faction of Christianity that is now scrambling to distance itself from the fundamentalists, in one particular case by handing out condoms in front of an Illinois Hobby Lobby store earlier this month … Not that dudes buying paint for their Battlestar: Galactica figurines are largely at risk of needing birth control. But I like the effort, regardless.
No self respecting man would buy his Battlestar: Galactica figurine paint at Hobby Lobby. Hell, they don’t even carry “Cylon Silver”.
At the very least, the condom giveaway seems to have been more successful than the bigoted reverse campaign of West Virginia army wife, Holly Fisher … Being extremely well-read on the intricacies of political science, Amy Fisher tweeted a picture of herself outside a Hobby Lobby, with a “Pro-Life” T-shirt, and a Chic-Fil-A soda cup.
Over under eleven for the number of bumper stickers on her car? I’d take the over.
Feeling this was too subtle, she decided to up the ante with another picture, which has since landed her large amounts of social media attention, and made her look even dumber, if that was possible. Her second pic was a Fourth of July tribute, with an American flag in the background, a Bible in one hand, and an assault rifle in the other …
And the ashes of a bald eagle clenched between her ass cheeks…
When someone quickly juxtaposed this shot with one of every jihadist pic ever, it became clear the only difference was the Koran, and a different colored flag. And now she’s the butt of the joke in an internet meme, which refers to her as “Holly Hobby Lobby” and “The Face of the American Taliban”.
Shoulda learned it from Oswald. Those pictures of you sexually aroused by your firearm always come back to haunt you.
Clergy protest SCOTUS by handing out condoms at Hobby Lobby (Rubber meets the robe news?): http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/07/03/3456254/clergy-protest-scotus-decision-by-handing-out-condoms-at-illinois-hobby-lobby-store/<<AND>>Twat learns to tweet: http://www.ibtimes.com/who-holly-fisher-holly-hobby-lobby-now-internet-meme-called-american-taliban-1621310<<and>> http://www.newsday.com/news/nation/holly-fisher-army-mom-sets-off-twitter-firestorm-with-gun-flag-and-bible-photo-1.8744536
And in “I’ll Show You Where the Beef Is” news tonight, Christian radio host and stuttering homophobic Bryan Fischer is apoplectic this week over Burger King’s new “Proud Whopper”. In a commendable effort to embrace the current century and a less commendable effort to associate gay people with a restaurant known for shoving disappointingly small amounts of shriveled meat between dry, flaky buns; Burger King unveiled a new rainbow wrapped whopper with a message that read, “We’re all the same inside.”
“…Colon full of something called meat.” … This sounds like more of a “Five Guys Burgers and Fries” campaign … Or maybe In N Out Burger … Double Double Manimal Style!!!
The “Proud Whopper” was part of a limited time campaign in the San Francisco area that included an online video of customer’s reactions to the new packaging. One woman on the video said the message on the wrapper made her cry. She then revealed herself to be a first time Burger King customer by adding, (quote) “A burger’s never made me cry before.”
“Next on Doctor Oz … Where do Ass Burgers fall on the Autism Rainbow Spectrum???”
As touching as this inclusivity was to some, Fischer lamented over the decision saying (quote) “I think this is a marketing mistake… because I gotta guarantee you, when people sit down to eat a hamburger, the last thing they want to be thinking about is two guys having sex.” (end quote). Because how could one possibly be expected to look at a rainbow colored fast food wrapper and not visualize a dick being rammed into a man’s ass? Just suck a cock, Bryan! One cock… I promise you, you’re gonna love it. Just let go, step out of the closet and suck the first cock you find… you can use mine if you want to, just embrace your transparent desire to tongue-buff a hairy pair of testicles already.
Have you ever seen the people that walk into a Des Moines, Iowa Burger King??? The rainbow wrapper and the image of ‘dude on dude’ might not help, but they’re eating those 3 fucking Whoppers!!!
Christian Radio Host: “Burger King is gonna make us eat them Gay burgers!” http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/07/11/christian-radio-host-fears-iowans-may-be-forced-to-eat-gay-pride-burger/
And finally tonight, from the “Gay Coffee Scalded My Balls” file: A slow-witted, overly-sensitive Christian named Joseph Parker got a job at a gay bar. So keeping in mind he deserves whatever he gets, here’s the rest of the story …
Except buttrape. Because we at the Scathing Atheist do not endorse butt-raping Christians.
So just get that out of your head … Parker wanted to find a pleasant Jesus-y work environment, so he decided the best place was an alcohol store for homosexuals called “Sidetrack”, in a neighborhood of Chicago called Boystown. He became offended by the hilarious anti-religious humor in clips shown on comedy night, such as South Park’s The Spirit of Christmas, and decided to sue the bar for religious harassment.
If you don’t want to be insulted, find a less stupid religion. It’s that easy. Jesus getting his ass kicked by Santa is funny. Nothing a court of law can do about that.
Exactly!!! Now the complaint about the videos is only one part of this litigious asshole’s case, but fortunately reason prevailed on this particular issue. Judge Amy St. Eve rejected the “cartoon is harassment” claim, pointing out that any reasonable person can see that what happens on the televisions … is NOT the offensive part of a gay bar to a Christian employee.
Right. What the hell was even claiming? “They didn’t just play South Park clips… they played South Park clips at me?”
At some point this story clearly needed to turn into … 30 seconds on the clock … “Offensive Cartoons to Scare Away Shitty Christian Busboys From Their Job at the Gay Bar” … GO!!!
Maybe we could count down all the sex acts Jesus hates in “101 Damnations”
“Erect it Ralph”
“A Gland Before Time”
Since we started with animal stuff anyway … “Booty and the Beastiality” ???
And for the gutsier bestial “The Lion Kink”
“Mo, Dwight, and the Seven Dwarfs”
What about a team of gender reassignment superheroes called “The Ex-Men?”
“Beavis and Butthead do an American Tail: Fievel Goes South”
“How to Drain Your Dragon”
“Adopted Family Guys”
Reaching way back here… “The Last Eunuch Porn”
I don’t want to sound like a queer or nothin’, but eunuch porns are kick-ass … Okay done quoting that cinematic classic called “Orgazmo” …
What about “Sex Toy Story” ??? <Round 7 – Step it up!> … with Spuzz Lightyear
Now I’m imagining the Pixar logo, but with a fleshlight instead of the little desk lamp… what about “Captain More than 6000 year old Planet?” That’ll piss ‘em off.
“White and Cloudy with a Lance of Meat, … Balls”
“Phallus and Gromit: Curse of the Queer-Rabbit”
“The Litte Mermaid Money Shots” … AKA … “Under the Semen” … AKA … “Blinding Nemo”
“The Cocky and Ball-Wrinkle Show?”
“Manimaniacs” … And the lesbian one was “Shiny Poon Adventures”
“Chalice in Wonderland” and the sequel, of course, “Through the Hooking Ass”
Maybe a Lindsay Lohan lesbian jail porn? … cartoon? … Since that’s completely a propos right now … What about: “Li-Lo and Bitch” ???
And because you can never get enough Lindsay Lohan lesbian jail porn, how about “Hey There, It’s Li-Lo-gi Bare?” Just one of the many fine programs from Lindsay Lo-Hanna Bars-Bare-All productions.
“Sponge Bob’s Spare Pants” … Things got messy with Patrick’s starfish … And then again with the spare pants … It’s a jizz mopper joke.
Judge rejects claim that playing “South Park” at gay bar creates hostile work environment for religious employees: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/05/judge-rejects-claim-that-anti-christian-comedy-clips-played-at-gay-bar-created-a-hostile-work-environment
Well it’s kind of a universal sign that when the jizz mopper shows up, we’re done, so I guess that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
And when we come back the glass will be a little streaky.
This Week in Misogyny:
Okay, so I want to be careful because I don’t want to turn this segment into “This week in men saying dumb shit about rape”. But as I perused the headlines this week it became inevitable that this was gonna be another rape-week. So let’s take an international rape trip together and learn about all the new types of rapist the world has to offer. I’d ask your permission, but then it might end up being a consensual trip.
We’ll start in the rape cultural capital of the world, India, where we meet the “uncontrollable” rapist. These nomadic barbarians apparently wander on to Indian beaches and snap into frantic rape frenzies if they see female navels. Minister Sudin Diaper-Licker warns about these types while reminding women not to tempt them by publicly wearing bikinis.
Diaper-Licker head’s the public works department for India’s wealthiest state and his proposal for preventing the unending, statewide rape epidemic is for the women to dress less rapeably. But don’t worry, one-pieces aren’t the only suggestion he offers to improve the safety of India’s women. He also suggest not wearing short skirts.
Bikinis to blame for Indian rapes, says state minister: http://www.theguardian.com/travel/2014/jul/02/bikinis-blame-sex-crimes-goa-beaches-minister?CMP=fb_gu
The next stop on our tour lands us in the United Kingdom where we meet the “Classic Rapist”. I can’t tell you exactly what a “Classic Rapist” is, but I can tell you that convicted rapist Lee Setford isn’t one of them. After being found guilty of raping a woman who was asleep on his couch, the judge explained that Setford wasn’t “a classic rapist,” adding, (quote) “you’re not the type who goes searching for a woman to rape” (end quote).
Now before you go condemning this neo-rapist in your head, I should mention some of the other mitigating circumstances His Honor pointed out. First of all, the young woman was (quote) “a pretty girl who [he] fancied” but perhaps more importantly, he (quote) “simply couldn’t resist.”
No word on whether the victim was also guilty of bikini wearing, but I think we can all agree that any woman who loses consciousness without locking her iron panties is just asking for it.
Don’t worry, he wasn’t a “classical rapist”, he just lost control, says Judge: http://www.salon.com/2014/07/03/judge_says_man_who_raped_sleeping_woman_is_not_a_classic_rapist_just_lost_control/
And finally, we head back to the good old USA to a man so misogynistic he’s in the intro to this segment. You may recall Todd Akin as the man who introduced us to “Legitimate rape” while aborting his senatorial bid back in 2012. This led to several futile weeks of apologies and he’s back in the news again with another apology…. for the last apology.
Despite disavowing those statements repeatedly in the media aftermath, this week he revealed in an op-ed that he had his fingers crossed the whole time and was secretly “not sorry”.
Akins doubled down on the claim that the stress of rape kills sperm despite there being no actual evidence to support his bullshit. He invites those who doubt him to simply google “stress and fertilization” because the google never lies.
Todd Akin apologizes for apoligizing for rape comment: http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2014/07/11/todd-akin-is-sorry-that-he-was-sorry/
That’s all I have for you this week and after spending the whole segment discussing patriarchal excuses for rape, I kind of wish we’d just had another bunny-punching story to talk about. I’ll be back next week unless we somehow rid the world of sexism between now and then.
Hello, this is god.
Afternoon god, this is Sally with Facebook.
Sally. How the hell are you?
Be careful god, you know how nervous I get when you use my name and “hell” in the same sentence.
(chuckles) So what can I do for you today, Sally?
Just a couple prayer requests that met their “like” threshold. There’s the little girl in Racine with the heart valve issue; there’s the down syndrome kid in Mechanicsburg that got his penis caught in the tractor… there’s… let’s see… I’ve got a kid in Omaha with Leukemia that got his ten thousand likes… not the black kid, of course…
Listen, Sally… this was great the first couple of times, but if we’re gonna keep doing this, I think we need to up the limit a bit. Maybe a million likes?
I’ll pass that suggestion along, but I don’t see my supervisors acting on it, to be honest.
I’m serious. Last month I wasted a perfectly good miracle giving some kid in Phoenix a fully functional Iron Man suit. And I still haven’t gotten around to brimstoning Justin Bieber…
Well, we would advise you to budget your time better, god.
Hey, look, back when I agreed to this I never knew it was gonna get out of hand so quickly. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.
Look buddy, you’re omnipotent, but you’re not “Zuckerberg” omnipotent. You’ve got a contract with us through 2018 and we’ll raise the minimum if and when we decide to.
Alright. So where was I…
Right. The old woman with the heart murmur in Springfield, Missouri only hit eight thousand so go ahead and kill her… oh, but her dog had a tumor and he got ten thousand likes so a miraculous remission there whenever you get a chance.
That kid with the two heads in India didn’t get ten thousand likes, did he?
Not even close.
Oh, good… cause I don’t know how the hell I was gonna fix that. Whoo… what a fuck up that was.
Not to worry, God, we specialize in affluent white children.
Oh, hey, do you talk to Satan at all?
Of course. I see him in the cafeteria all the time.
Is he… um… what’s he been up to?
He’s hard at work on the new page design.
Can you maybe… tell him I said hi?
Yeah, God… I’ll tell him… again.
Tell him I’m keeping pretty busy up here, though, you know? Those parking spaces aren’t just gonna find themselves. Yes, sirree, I’m still happy that we broke up and all… but still tell him I said hi.
Will do, God.
Thanks Sally. Oh, and sorry about the thing with the bus and your uncle Rick.
Oh, nevermind… sorry, that’s next week. My bad…
Wait… what thing?
Nothing… gotta run
God? <Dial Tone> God? God… Damn you…
Poem – Song of Solomon
When I decided to write a poem for each book of the bible, I didn’t realize how often that would leave me writing poems about bad poems. So when it came to “Song of Solomon” I figured we could just give it a modern reboot. “Song of Solomon” is a love poem in three parts, the man, the woman and a group of friends.
So joining me for the poem tonight is Lucinda, playing the part of the woman… sorry to typecast you, baby… and playing the part of the “friends” will be the intrepid Heath Enwright. You guys ready?
Alright… “Song of Solomon,” in rhyme:
Man: My lover, my lady, I think of you lately; every time that I pasture my sheep.
I think of you often in an effort to soften; if things get hard when I’m trying to sleep.
Woman: My lover, my suitor, I have a dripping wet cooter, which is a breed of American turtle,
And the land where I dwell, was as hard as his shell, but you left my soil soft, plowed and fertile.
Friends: My companions, my friends; I think we know how this ends; as your passions are sure to prevail.
I see you connected, as love is erected; In fact, I’ve pictured it in vivid detail.
Man: My cohort, my chum, I want her to come; Again to my chamber and linger;
Friends: It’s clear you’re enamored, so just get her hammered; and when you’re done, let me smell your fingers.
Woman: My acquaintance, my pal; he should grace my canal; but how should I offer this plea?
Friends: Hmm… In the midst of a chat; simply tell him all that, but when you say “canal”, maybe leave off the “C”?
Man: My beauty, my love, your eyes are like doves, and your teeth are like damp, naked goats.
Friends: That comparison’s shit.
Man: Yes, I’ll freely admit, that’s not the sexiest of biblical quotes.
Woman: My darling, my beau; I want you to know, that when I think of you I tingle inside.
I throb and I shiver, and tremble and quiver, or at least I did until the batteries died.
Man: But at last we’re united;
Friends: Squeeze her tits, dude,
Man: Be quiet;
Woman: Hey listen, that’s advice you should follow.
Man: My love, my divine, let me pour you some wine.
Woman: It won’t be the last thing tonight that I’ll swallow.
Man: You should lie on the bed,
Woman: This wine’s gone to my head, so have your way with me before I get sleepy.
Friends: Go ahead man, just kiss her.
Man:My lover, my sister…
Woman: Don’t call me that; it’s fucking creepy.
Man: My angel, my dear, you seem burdened, I fear;
Woman: I am love.
Man: By what?
Woman: All this clothing.
Man: I’ll see that undone.
Friends: Well you two have fun; I’ll be out here beating off to her moaning.
Woman: My suitor,
Man: My lover;
Woman: Below him,
Man: Above her;
Woman: With his sweat dripping down on my head. My lover,
Man: My lady,
Woman: My darling,
Man: My baby; I’m sorry, but that wasn’t sweat.
Man: My love, a proposal,
Man:I suppose I’ll; wait to ask until you’re done sucking.
Woman: <swallows hard> Go ahead.
Man: I think we should wed.
Friends: I pronounce you man and wife, now get back to the fucking.
It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback. This is the part of the show with a segment title that’s so self explanatory, it needs no additional explanation but I always feel the need to put a sentence here anyway.
Our first email comes from Sweden where Filip asks for a little clarification on the Hobby Lobby ruling we’ve been talking about the last couple of weeks. Specifically, he wondered if we could elaborate on the term “sincerely held religious belief” and what that means from a legal perspective.
Yeah, that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? As near as I can tell, the testicled members of the Supreme Court plan to use a combination of FMRIs and nanobots to determine the sincerity of one’s beliefs because if they couldn’t do that, it would be an impossible to apply legal standard that could only lead to the wealthier and more litigious believers gaining privileges the rest of us don’t have, huh?
Maybe they could make a list of all the laws we are allowed to break from now on. I’m drawing up the bible for my new religion …
But if we haven’t talked this thing to death yet, I do hope to get somebody on with a background in law that has enough familiarity with this case to answer Filip’s questions and several of my own.
We also got an email from Terry who is wondering when we’ll have the Diatribes collected as an audiobook for our visually impaired listeners. And I know that seems like it would be really easy to do… If only Noah had all the audio files of the individual diatribes already recorded to give him a head start…
Right, but finding the time to record all the intros, put it altogether and edit it so the sound levels are consistent has proven to be a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be. I promise, I am working on it, though, and I hope to have it done by the end of the month unless some other unforeseen thing is hard.
And Noah’s old and married, so that would be unforeseen.
We also got a Tweet or three from @BangsNaughtyBit who thought we were a little hard on pastor Ricky Martin in last week’s lead story. You’ll recall he was the pastor that was running the refuge for sex offenders in Alabama. And to be honest, when you give Heath and me an Alabama trailer park full of sex offenders, that’s like our air.
Yeah this guy’s absolutely right … I’d like to issue a self-proclaimed completely genuine apology to the guy that made the perfectly reasonable decision to hoard convicted sex offenders in his backyard redneck terrarium … I’m so very sorry. You’re a gentleman and a biblical scholar.
That being said, after reading up a little more on the story I think Naughty Bits is probably right and while it does make for great dick joke fodder, I was a little harsh on the dude when I called him the “bad” Ricky Martin. I know they have laws that say that sex offenders aren’t allowed to live within a thousand miles of a thing at this point and as hard as it is to sympathize with sex offenders, they do have to actually live somewhere. And anybody with any sense knows to keep their kids away from churches so that’s as good a place for them as any, I suppose.
I thought convicted sex offenders were supposed to get murdered in jail … What’s up with the Alabama jail system???
Certainly not the first time those words were assembled in an incredulous inquiry. So anyway, Pastor Martin was reaching out to help and even if it was in a way that kind of screams “terrible idea”, it’s almost certainly not as bad as “Living La Vida Loca.”
And finally tonight, an email from Karen, whose daughter is going to her first bible study next week. She writes;
“… I was inclined to tell her she couldn’t go, but I don’t want to deny her time with her best friend and I don’t want to force my worldview on her the way my parents forced theirs on me. At the same time, I want to arm her against the type of indoctrination I know takes place at things like this. Any advice?”
So first of all, I want to take issue with the concept of not wanting to force your worldview on your kids. That’s a pretty common thing amongst atheists for exactly the reason Karen describes; my parents crammed their religion down my throat and I don’t want to cram my atheism down my kid’s throats.
Yeah atheists tend to be better about the … throat cramming kids stuff.
But I look at this as a false analogy. Cramming reason down somebody’s throat isn’t the same as brainwashing them. If your parents raised you to believe in Shamanic medicine and then you grew up and learned about Western medicine, you wouldn’t let your kid explore both and make up their mind. You would tell them about the one that’s real and warn them about the other one.
You can’t really “brainwash” the idea of: “Be flexible based on the data.” That’s not a crammable thing.
Exactly… but I guess one way or the other it makes for a good top ten list. So top ten warnings to give a non-religious kid going to their first bible study.
- 10 – Don’t worry, they’ll provide you with knee pads … Some of them are even built-in.
- 9 – The Bible isn’t the one with Voldemort in it.
- 8 – Don’t be female.
- 7 – Remember, if it has talking animals, it’s fantasy…
- 6 – It has talking animals.
- 5 – Ask yourself the whole time, “Is this more fun than Minecraft?”
- 4 – You know all those stupid kids in your class? They often become adults. Just keep that in mind.
- 3 – Just remember, if you decide to be religious, you’re not allowed to touch yourself.
- 2 – And no, not even the “Dutch Rudder” … or the “Israeli Jib Sheet”
- 1 – Don’t forget your rape-whistle.
And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, send us more emails, Tweets and smoke signals. You’ll find all the contact info on the Contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Before we go quietly into the night I wanted to give everyone a quick update. You might recall a story we shared a couple of weeks back about a humanist couple that were killed in a car accident. We urged our listeners to check out a fundraiser that was set up for their two surviving daughters. Anyway, we got an email from Elena, who was coordinating all of this a couple days back and I wanted to pass her thanks along to our extremely generous listeners. The two girls are back home and doing much better, they send their gratitude, as does Elena, as do I.
I also wanted to remind you that you can catch more me on episodes 188 and 188.5 of the Imaginary Friends Show Dot Com Pode-cast with Jake-Farr Wharton. We were joined by Paul from the Quranify Me Podcast and the skit we just wrapped up as well as Twitter’s very own (at) Amanda the Ablaze. We had a lot of fun, made boob jokes, talked science. If you want to check it out, you’ll find links on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Also wanted to thank everyone who picked up a copy of our book, “Diatribes, Volume One: 50 Essays from a Godless Misanthrope” over the last couple of weeks. Big upsurge in sales this week so we’re glad to contribute to world literacy. Thanks to everyone who recommended the book, talked it up on Social Media or left us a review on Amazon. And remember, as of next week we’re already halfway through Volume Two, so be sure to pick up your copy of Volume One, quick before it’s old.
I can’t shut her down without thanking Heath once again for all the hats he wears in this operation. I want to thank one of the three or four wives on the planet that would agree to do all the crazy shit I ask Lucinda to do for this podcast.
Obviously I want to toss out a big thanks to Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and Atheistically Speaking; Paul from Quranify Me; and David from My Book of Mormon. Thomas may have won but the competition is damn stiff. I’ll invite you to see for yourself by checking out all of their shows, which you’ll find linked on this week’s shownotes as well.
Of course, I need to thank Terry from the Amateur Skeptics’ Podcast for both providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote and for providing me with the image of Homo Habilis women on bicycles wearing lycra. Terry also asked me to plug a charity bike ride coming up in Colorado. It’s a fundraiser to the American Diabetes Association, she’ll be riding a metric century, which is a really long time, I think. Anyway, I poked around a bit on the website and couldn’t find the date, but I did find a donate link, so if any of our fine and charitable listeners would like to help Terry help people with diabetes, you’ll find a link on the homepage of our website as well as on the shownotes for this episode.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most adjectivey nouns; Jay, Tor, Danielle, Tim, Ryan, Chris, David, Benjamin and Erik. Jay, Tor and Danielle, whose tongues are so dextrous they can make an envelope come; Tim, Ryan and Chris, who are so sharp they can’t have any Bs or Es in their names; and David, Benjamin and Erik, who are the only non planetary objects that can affect the global climate when their poles shift.
These nine noble nonbelievers have nudged us that much closer to financial sustainability this week by giving us money. It takes guts to give us money, as well as a skeleton in which to put them. But if you have a skeleton and organs, you, too, can give us money. You can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.
And if you’d like to help but you’re still saving up for the cybernetic implants, you can also help us a ton by joining the more than 500 awesome people who have taken the time to leave us a five star review on iTunes… or the more than 42 awesome people who have done the same on Stitcher.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.