Show Transcripts | The Scathing Atheist

So for all you recently deconverted theists still struggling to overcome the sexual taboos imbedded in your mind by decades of slut-shaming, hell-mongering and bedroom advice from celibate pedophiles, try our extra strength suppositories and we promise they won’t be the last thing you stick in your ass.

“Whore-Ox Bleach,” safe for both whites and coloreds… even at the same time… and that’s okay now.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s August 7th,

And evolution’s so easy, a caveman can do it.

I’m Noah Lugeons

I’m Heath Enwright, and from pluralistic New York, New York,

And “as monochromatic as legally enforceable” Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

In this week’s episode,

We learn that God never learned to drive stick,
A Louisiana archdiocese will play “Three Pedophile Monte,”
And the gays ruin Christian orphan hoarding for everyone.

But first, the Diatribe…

Diatribe:

Of all the arrows in the apologist’s quiver, you’ve gotta figure the whole, “Where do atheists get their morals?” bit has to be the last one they want to shoot. Because what they’re saying at that point is essentially, “I know we’re wrong, but if we admit it was all a lie, we’d all be raping each other’s ear-holes by September.”

It’s such a baffling question to me because it rests on the assumption that morality comes from god… but doesn’t everything come from god if you’re a theist? How is this any different than asking, “Without god, where do atheists get their orgasms?” Why are morals always singled out?

Now, obviously there’s a more nuanced form of this than the ear-hole rape version. They say that morals need an absolute, right? Otherwise you descend into moral relativism, in which case you have to admit that a culture can dictate what’s moral. They like to say that without an absolute moral authority to appeal to, there can only be moral change, not moral advancement.

Obviously there’s too much wrong with this argument to cram it all in one diatribe. I mean… there’s no divine authority on health or technology and those things can advance. I don’t need a man in the sky to tell me that my phone is superior to a loom. I know it because I have an objective standard… you know, like the ones we have for morality… harm, freedom, equality… that kind of shit.

And despite the spurious series of assumptions this nonsense apologetic relies on, there are plenty of theists that actually think it is some sort of checkmate. They say, “Morals must come from god, so if there’s no god, there’s no morals.” But they just… changed the definition of morals, right? I mean, the dictionary calls morals, “a person’s standard of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do.” No mention of god there.

It’s like saying that from now on the definition of the word “egg” includes, “perfectly cubed,” and then lamenting the fact that there are no true eggs anymore. Matt Dillahunty has a great video, and I’ll link to it on the shownotes for this episode, where he argues that not only is a secular morality superior to a religious morality but, in fact, secular morality is the only kind that exists.

Now, a lot of atheists will demonstrate this fact by pointing to something we can all agree is immoral, but isn’t touched on in the bible. You ask them, “So, do you think slavery is immoral?” and they say, “Yes,” because they’re afraid a black person might hear them and you say, “So why do you think that’s immoral? Never says that in your bible. God never says slavery is immoral. You just know it is because your secular morals tell you it is.”

This might be effective sometimes, but it sort of misses their point. Because these people think the Holy Ghost lives in their head and gives them instructions, like the little alien that drives Oprah Winfrey. So when you say “it isn’t in the bible,” they say, “well god just whispered it into my brain,” and somehow they don’t recognize how batshit insane that sounds. And among the advantages of this line of, let’s call it “thinking,” is that it also immunizes them in case you point out that atheists are, by reasonable measures, as moral as religious people. Well of course we are, because god is whispering right from wrong into our brains, too; we just don’t realize it.

Of course, they’re only that sophisticated with their stupid when they have to be. I’ve spoken with a number of theists that were genuinely curious what kept me from raping immigrants. They like to paint this hellish picture of what the world would look like without the threat of sky-daddy’s brimstone-timeouts. And if you counter by pointing out that the least religious nations are the most lawful and the most religious nations are the most violent, they’ll retreat to prehistory and talk about how bad civilization would have been without the advantage of the “Divine Ass Rape of Damocles.”

But in truth, the last thing they should want to bring up is morality. It’s the weakest link in their chain and it’s my favorite way of pointing out what’s so damn dangerous about religion. When theists ask me where I get my morals, I prefer to tell them where I don’t get them. I don’t get them from absolute authorities. I don’t get them from ancient texts. I don’t get them from voices in my head. I don’t get them from somebody whose moral authority rests solely on his mastery of mythology. I don’t get them from a book that so readily offered moral justifications for slavery, institutionalized sexism, child abuse, genocide and torture.

So where do morals come from? I don’t know. Where do fantasies come from? Where do ideas come from? Where do fears and fallacies come from? Tell you what, theists, I’ll make you a deal. We rationalists will keep looking into that and when we have a definitive answer, we’ll get back to you. All we ask in return is that between now and then you refrain from nuking the fucking planet over that extremely moral institutions you keep talking about.

Headlines:

Joining me for headlines tonight is adverbally adjective-ish, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to verb?

I’d like to verb my noun on S.E. Cupp’s face … Will we get a chance to look into that???

I’d commission a mural of it on my ceiling.

Two pearls one Cupp … In our lead story tonight, from the “Foxy Moron” file, conservative atheist political pundette S.E. Cupp – after her daily shift behind the glass as prize specimen at the Exotic Republican Zoo – proclaimed during a video for CNN’s Crossfire, that conservative atheists are better at godlessness that liberal atheists. Then she got back inside the glass walls and ceiling for the evening shift …

I hear they used to have soundproof glass but they learned that as long as people could hear her, they didn’t need the jizz mopper.

On the outside wall, anyway. And women don’t usually have enough power to reach the glass ceiling … So I thought she might talk about how liberalism more closely aligns with the teachings of Jesus than conservativism … That wouldn’t have helped her case … <Not really> but it would have been better than her actual argument … which went something like this: “Atheist Republicans – who are beholden to a constituency full of evangelicals – are forced to feign imaginary sympathy more than atheist Democrats … And that makes conservative atheists better … Because intellectual honesty is … bad– sputter sputter sputter hissssssss.”

I saw an interesting counter-argument by somebody named ‘The Exact Same Bitch Making a Contradictory Point,’ who said (quote) “In fact, I’d go so far as to say conservatism is far more intellectually honest and respectful of atheism than liberalism has been.” (end quote) So… sorry to interrupt, Southeast, you were saying something about ‘Intellectual honesty?’

Her remarks start to make a little more sense when you consider Cupp’s description of her personal brand of monotheistic atheism (quote) “I don’t believe in God, but I’m not mad at him either.” (end quote) … So unlike Bill Maher – who she castigates for being radically zero-godded – Cupp subscribes to a more accommodating, moderate sect of atheism called Christianity … She believes in half a god as a compromise, but rounds it up to one if she’s on FOX.

That’s odd… because usually Christian gods come in thirds.

Right … zero thirds.

CNN’s S.E. Cupp: “Conservative atheists are better.”: http://www.mediaite.com/tv/s-e-cupp-im-a-better-atheist-than-bill-maher

And in “It’s not like they didn’t pay for their own lube” news tonight, Minneapolis archbishop John C. Nienstedt is refusing to relinquish his post an awful lot these days. Nienstedt is facing calls for his resignation from prominent Catholics, local politicians, state newspapers, the kid’s whose asses he allowed to be raped and all other people who are familiar with this situation on even a cellular level; but Nienstedt vows to continue fighting for the rights of priests to molest children with impunity but pretends it’s because he really loves running the soup kitchen.

Here’s the problem though … You can’t just conjure up new clergy on command. It’s not so easy to find someone who can read, ladle, and not abuse kids.

While he freely admits that he mishandled abuse allegations in the past, he did vociferously deny that he was actively engaged in homosexual relationships, which prompted reporters to point out that nobody was saying he was, to which he responded, (quote) “Good, because I’m not,” (end quote).

“You want me to go have penis-vagina sex right now?!? … With an adult … I’ll do it!!!”

The actual defense he’s using here is the claim that while he was shown memos about problem priests, he didn’t fully grasp the scope of the troubles until last fall. Last Fall!? As in since we’ve been doing this show. So the guy who runs the diocese was less informed on the catholic child-fucking thing than Heath and me until ten months ago, when his chancellor of canonical affairs resigned her position in disgust and went public with the information. So yes, his story is that the person who quit her job because of his refusal to adequately address these allegations never told him about the allegations.

Sounds like this guy’s had his head up his ass … or someone else’s … for decades.

Critics of Nienstedt, also known as “humans” note that this guy is egregious even compared to other Catholic molestor-enablers. Minnesota Lawyer Jeff Anderson describes the abuse under Nienstedt’s supervision (quote) “among the most grave we’re ever encountered” (end quote). And as if to demonstrate the astounding extent to which he doesn’t get it, when describing his renewed commitment to protecting children from sexual abuse, the words he chose were promising to (I shit you not this is what he said) “take a more hands on approach” (end quote).

Minnesota Priest Refuses to resign; defends handling of sex abuse scandal: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/31/us/archbishop-under-fire-over-abuse-apologizes-but-says-he-wont-resign.html?_r=0

And in “Psychics prophesize failure to predict things, thus failing” news … Exactly zero of the thousands of self-proclaimed magical people in the world, have managed to cash in on the long-standing enormous money offer from famous skeptic James Randi. So assuming magic clearly exists … It seems every single prophet, astrologer, warlock, and faith healer … has an ethical dilemma about taking a million dollars from an atheist and donating it to charity.

Most interesting, from an ethical perspective, is the fact that it’s only the real wizards that refuse to take the test. Because the fake ones are just lining up…

As many of you may know, the James Randi Educational Foundation has offered a one million dollar prize to anyone that can demonstrate a supernatural ability under legitimate experimental conditions. This has existed since 1996, and was also offered in smaller sums going back to 1964. So again, given magic clearly exists, that’s half a century of assholes that can do magic, but won’t share it with the world unless they’re standing next to a dumbwaiter.

But it’s worth noting that the Million Dollar Challenge isn’t limited to warlocks and astrologers. It covers all kinds of bullshit esoteric claims like being able to audibly differentiate between Monster Cables and a cable that costs 90% less.

Since the prize was first offered, over a thousand wizards have been tested, and none of them have even passed the preliminary test, designed by the wizard, and agreed upon in advance by both parties as a pre-requisite proof of concept. This fact is cited by critics, suggesting Randi is using anti-magic and confundus charms to hinder applicants. This same fact is cited by Randi as evidence that magic doesn’t exist.

That’s the funniest part of this thing to me. They make sure that every claimant agrees that the testing protocol is fair beforehand. So 100% of the claimants will tell you before the test that the metrics are fair; and almost the same percentage will tell you afterwards that they aren’t.

The most recent attempt at the million – by Dragon Ball Z character, Mr. Fei Wang – was the final event at TAM 2014 in Las Vegas last month. If you don’t know already … Show of hands … Who thinks he won the million? … You guys are a smart audience … So despite Wang’s best efforts, during his preliminary test, he was unable to shoot invisible energy balls through cardboard, any better than placebo Goku, Jamy Ian Swiss. In fact, Liu Kang was clearly worse. The data from that experiment show Mr. Swiss is actually batting a thousand at shooting invisible energy balls. Next year at TAM, he may fight Raiden.

Qi-gonger loses MDC: http://www.randi.org/site/index.php/swift-blog/2382-the-trials-and-tribulations-of-the-2014-james-randi-educational-foundations-million-dollar-challenge.html

And in “Mike and Mike in the Morning Mass” news tonight, Congressional Republicans Mike Enzi and Mike Kelly have proposed legislation that would protect the rights of religious adoption agencies to violate the rights of other people. The bill uses vague language to avoid actually saying “fudge-packers” in the bill, instead carrying on with references to “sincerely held religious beliefs” and the “moral convictions of the provider.” This is obviously a political ploy to allow southern representatives to later argue that they thought the bill was to keep white kids from being adopted by the negroes.

It’s adoptions or abortions … Can’t have it both ways.

Now, I think it’s worth noting exactly what they’re trying to protect here. Even in the states that fully recognize gay marriage, there’s no law that says that adoption agencies have to give kids to gay couples. It’s just that some of them say that state-funded adoption agencies have to. So it’s okay to use needy children as a political weapon in your futile effort to maintain pre-renaissance morality, you just can’t do it on the taxpayer’s dime. Which means that the proposed bill wouldn’t so much insulate the adoption agencies from anti-discrimination laws, since they’re already exempted from them. It would protect the bigots rights to have their bigotry financed by the government.

Basic freedoms … Now I’m aware that people hate to hear about boring shit like relevant data, but they’re gonna today. Numerous recent studies show that children raised by same-sex couples are – if anything – given better parenting on average.

Well sure, obviously, because all gay parents and intentionally parents. You can’t accidentally become a gay parent.

Right, they weren’t born gay parents. It’s a choice. But for all practical purposes, potential adopters should really only need to outperform orphanages. Gay parents beating straight parents was gravy.

And the gays do like their gravy. Catholic adoption agencies have grown particularly adept at the weaponization of orphans over the past decade. In several instances they’ve famously shut down adoption services statewide rather than abide by the principles of equality. They’ve literally stopped helping children altogether because they’ve prioritized their malignant xenophobia over the welfare of parentless children. And think about what a sacrifice it is for a bunch of Catholic priests to just walk away from a bunch of helpless, rape-ripe orphans. So they’re serious about this shit.

Yeah … “Weaponized Orphans” … That actually happened. Church-run shelters in Colorado and Illinois basically threatened to throw an orphan out of the airplane every ten minutes, until they got their bigotry subsidy check from the government.

New law would shield religious adoption agencies from discrimination laws: http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2014/07/31/3466152/adoption-license-to-discriminate/

And from the “Awkward but Well-funded Reunion” file, this year marks the tenth anniversary of the legal settlement in which the Roman Catholic Diocese of Lafayette – in Louisiana – paid out twenty-six million dollars to 123 victims of sexual abuse at the hands of their clergy, dating back to the 1950’s. Given such a large sum of money, the church feels it’s tacky to ask about minutiae like: “Who are the pedophiles?”

Right… because what were they buying for their twenty-six large if not the retroactive consent of the victims?

In response to justified suspicion that some of the guilty priests are still at large (and even still practicing), The Daily Adviser emailed the diocese, asking which ones – specifically – are the known rapists. Their response was basically: “Why? … No! … You are!” … According to a response email from the in-house publicist they require, the bishop in charge of the place, Michael Jarrell, (quote) “sees no purpose in such action.” (end quote) … No purpose!!!

I believe they then added (quote) “Do you know how hard it is to fuck kids these days when you’re a Catholic Priest? Even the four and five year olds have heard about us by now. If we told you their names they wouldn’t stand a chance.” (end fake quote)

“So we’ll just need those names, so we can get the anklets installed.” …

“I believe our insurance company paid their debt to society. Haven’t these pedophiles been punished enough?!?” … No. No they have not …

And by the way, I bet the Tea Party would get on board, if you could get settlements like this from your ObamaCare plan. Jesus is a lot like a pre-existing condition for these kids. It’s not their fault.

Society: “Which ones are known rapists?” … Church: “Why do you ask?” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/03/diocese-of-lafayette-louisiana-says-theres-no-purpose-in-releasing-names-of-priests-who-molested-children

And in “Answers in Carcino-Genesis” news tonight, Christianity has discovered the cure for cancer. And it turns out, and you probably saw this coming, it’s a cross that rises a twenty-third of a mile into the air. The giant cancer-killing cross is the Kidney-child of couple of Alabama businessmen who are sick and damn tired of the largest cross in the country being in that there state what Lincoln come from. They hope to raise the estimated $750,000 needed to construct the monstrosity through a crowdfunding site that says, in no uncertain terms, that building giant crosses can cure cancer. And divorce.

And cancer and divorce keep existing … so “BIGGER!!! … MORE PERPENDICULAR!!!” …

“You idiots!!! God’s looking from above. Now he’s gonna think we’re Satanists. Print ‘THIS SIDE UP’ on the top.”

The miraculous claims come under the “How can I help?” section of the website and somewhere amidst the time-cube level logic (and website presentation), the project’s leaders assert that the giant torture-device-replica could, through the simple merit of being seen by a passing heathen motorist, turn them back to Jesus. And, as almost goes without saying, thereby heal their devil-cancer and save their marriage.

So the cross won’t even help Christians … It’s a reminder for heathen drifters … Lance Armstrong riding around … “Between divorce and testicle cancer, I’ve literally lost half my shit … I’m so depressed–Oooohhh!!! What’s that plus sign-y thing?”

The website also shares the miraculous vision that prompted then 32 year old Jon Butler to dedicate himself to spending double a soup kitchen’s decadal budget building a giant lower-case “t.” I won’t spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say that before the holy spirit filled him with this vision, the tapedeck on his Chevy Astrovan used to eat cassette tapes. Afterwards? Well, like I said, I’m not gonna spoil it.

Giant Alabama cross could heal cancer, promises people trying to build said giant cross: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/31/website-for-proposed-230-foot-tall-cross-in-alabama-says-donations-could-lead-to-someone-being-healed-from-cancer/

And in “Jesus Swallows … turns the other cheek, and swallows again” news, Oak Ridge Alliance Church – of Oak Ridge, Tennessee – decided to teach the virtue of forgiveness, with a blow job metaphor on their marquee. The following message adorned the large sign on their front lawn … at least until one single person who’s heard of mouth sex saw it … (quote) “Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit.” (end quote) …

It’s a shame more pastors don’t read “The Friendly Atheist” blog because Hemant’s been trying to tell them. Before you go live with the marquee, just run it by one honest fourteen year old.

So I guess … (awful swallowing noise) … Jesus forgives you. And he clearly fellated some dudes against his will, for our sins … So let’s all be grateful … Okay, we did shitting last week … So speaking of blumpkins … Everyone google “blumpkin”, by the way … I’ll wait …

Because the key to a blumpkin is patience. You don’t want to finish before you finish.

Blumpkin Donuts: Breakfast of Champions … Moving on quickly–I’m thinkin’ we give the advertising department over at Oak Ridge Alliance Church, some new ideas for the marquee. We’ll need 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Oral Sex” … GO!!!

“Being a Mohel”

“Happy Meals at Chick Fil-A-tio”

“Joshua’s Rusty Trumpet”

“Kneeling Before the Salter”

“The Hobby Lobby Knobby Slobby”… cause I’ve got a belief right here you can “firmly hold”

“Cradling the Holy Sack-rament” … or for the heathens: “Cupping the Baals”

“Tempting the Serpent Right Back”

“Head of the Class in Seminary Fluid Dynamics”

“The Slurpin’ on the Mount”

“Praying to the Foreskin Flute”

“Finding the Little Man in the Ark”

“Ridding Congressional Members of their Boehner” … “Oh what a lovely Tea Party”

“Chrome Your Dome of the Rocks”… “and the rocks”

“Rendering the Tossed Salad Unto Caesar” … AKA “rim Job”

“Kissing the Pope’s other ring”

“Easter Egg McMuff Diving” … No fur burgers until after 11am.

Yeah, because before that she has ‘morning gash’. Anyway… how about “Spreading the word of oh my god?”

“Box Lunch at the Convent: Licking the Habit”

“Gargling in Tongues”

“Playing the Fallopian Tuba Below the Rod and Staff” … Polishing up on scales is the worst … Nobody enjoys …

If you break your Ramadan fast by licking jelly out of an asshole it’s called, “Eid al Shitter”

“Humming Along with the Pipe Organ”

Addition to the list of things I’ve now had to say to my wife because of this show: “It doesn’t have to be blowjobs, though. It can be cunlingus or ass-tonguing as well… or teabagging.”

One of the better church marquees: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/28/this-church-may-want-to-rethink-its-definition-of-forgiveness

And finally tonight, from the “Stand Your Fudge Round” file, the First Baptist Church of Royal Palm Beach has discovered a new way of helping put roofs over the heads of the homeless; you can have them arrested. The inspiration came when a cleaning lady employed by the church caught a homeless man stealing cookies that were meant for the homeless, at which time she called 911 to report the aggravated wafer-mastication. This might sound like an overreaction to some, but keep in mind, we’re talking about Florida, a state where it’s legal to kill somebody for carrying Skittles, so it’s not like normal earth.

“And he had a hoodie … And a shitty drink nobody likes … Arizona?!? Really?!? SNAPPLE PEACH ICED TEA!!! All about the Snapple peach iced tea!!! … What an asshole!!!”

Despite the facts that the church regularly feeds the homeless and the estimated value of “2014’s Great Snickerdoodle Heist” was around two dollars and twenty-five cents, the church elected to press charges, explaining that it was for the vagrant’s own good. They argued on their Facebook page that he wasn’t just eating cookies. He was also drunk or high or something probably. Because he’s homeless. And homeless people take drugs.

“This is a church … You can’t just show up and expect us to hand out tax-break subsidized Jesus cookies every week. That would be crazy.”

Luckily the Palm Beach “Sesame Street Crime Unit” was on hand and acted quickly before any more Oreos could be forcibly bifurcated. There are mixed reports that the perpetrator was on probation at the time for taking extra sips at the 7-11 soda machine, though reports that he could be the infamous Palm Beach “Pie cooling on a windowsill” bandit remain unconfirmed.

Florida church has homeless man arrested for aggravated cookie eating: http://aattp.org/church-insists-on-pressing-charges-after-homeless-man-eats-2-25-worth-of-cookies/

And with the reassurance that this malefactor is behind bars where he belongs, we’ll kind of close the headlines segment for the night. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.

And when we come back, we’re gonna still be doing headlines.

This Week in Misogyny:

I’d like to dedicate this week’s segment to one of my all time favorite jews, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who could probably kick Jesus’s ass even at her advanced age.

The wily old Supreme Court Justice is continuing to not shut up about the court’s recent (and horribly misguided) decision in the Hobby Lobby case. Speaking to an audience of law students last week, she pointed out that’s it nifty that some of the guys on the Supreme Court are getting behind the idea of equal rights for the three percent of the population that’s gay; but it would also be nice if they could extend that to the fifty-one percent that aren’t men.

When asked about her charge of hypocrisy from the Roberts court, Chief Justice John Roberts pointed out that she was probably just PMSing or menopausing or whatever.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Hobby Lobby case: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/05/us/as-gays-prevail-in-supreme-court-women-see-setbacks.html?_r=0

But as dismissive as the court is of women’s rights, it turns out that one group of voters is paying attention… women. A new poll by “Hart Research Associates” suggests that the majority of female American voters would not vote for a candidate that supports the Supreme Court’s decision to prioritize the wishes of imaginary men over those of real women. Crazy.

Majority of female voters won’t vote for a candidate that supports Hobby Lobby ruling: http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/07/25/3464343/female-voters-hobby-lobby-candidates/

But the New York based “Satanic Temple” is seeking to use the errant ruling for the powers of good. Citing their own “religious” belief that science is right and superstition is wrong, they claim that the “informed consent” laws that require women seeking abortions to listen to a religiously-inspired, factually dubious screed about how evil baby-murder is a violation of their religion. Specifically their sincerely held belief that superstition and invasive medical procedures don’t mix.

When reporters asked legal experts about the case, they were doubtful that anything would come of it; to which the Satanic Temple replied, “Reporters asked you about it, didn’t they? Then something came of it.” In other words, of course they’re going to lose this fight. And in so doing they’re going to expose the fact that in today’s legal landscape, corporations are people in ways that people could only dream of, and I’d say that’s a victory.

Satanists try to use Hobby Lobby ruling for the powers of good: http://www.religionnews.com/2014/07/31/satanists-challenge-hobby-lobby-ruling-may-face-legal-hurdles/

And finally tonight, we have something that starts out looking like a glimmer of hope in the middle east, but isn’t. A female anchor on the Saudi news channel Al Ekhbariya appeared on screen boldly showing the top of her head and side-cheek.

But no, this isn’t a step forward… it’s an accident that the network apologized for almost immediately with the explanation that she was broadcasting out of the Infidel city of London, but they’d have been sure to throw some acid on her if she tried that shit back home. And they also promised that it would never happen again.

That being said, if you want one bad enough, I suppose you can find a glimmer of hope in Saudi Arabia. For instance, over the last few years, women have been permitted to work as cashiers at supermarkets and lingerie shops, so who knows, maybe we’ll see bicycling without a chaperone in our lifetimes.

Female Anchor on Saudi TV doesn’t wear headscarf. Paternalistic assholes outraged: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/05/female-anchor-saudi-tv-no-headscarf_n_5651850.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion

That’s not all the misogyny I’ve got for the week, but it is all the time I’ve got, so I’ll hand things over to Noah and Heath so they can undermine the point of this segment with a few rape jokes.

News Briefs:

Rejoining me for an abbreviated additional headlines segment tonight is noun. Noun, preposition pronoun adjective?

Exclamation.

Alright then. From the “I Bet it’s not Really Gourmet” file tonight, Mary’s Gourmet Diner in Winston-Salem, North Carolina got an impromptu social-media ad campaign this week when their policy of offering a 15% discount to people who pray before they eat. While the people getting the discount seem thrilled, others have pointed out that it’s thinly veiled bigotry. The diner’s management dismiss those charges by pointing out that it’s not that they’re charging atheists more, they’re just charging Christians less. So it’s not discrimination, it’s just… regular scrimination.

Maybe Christians can use that money for good somehow … Hmmm??? What can you do with 15 percent of the bill at the end of a meal … Buy thousands of tiny pamphlets, and give them to restaurant workers??? … They’ll come up with something.

15% off for talking to yourself: http://www.hlntv.com/article/2014/07/31/restaurant-praying-discount-marys-gourmet-diner?hpt=hp_t4

And in “Geico Offers Atheist Discount” news, <Geico joke fresh off the 15% off joke… he’s on fire!> Indiana motorists Prionda Hill and Anthony Oliveri were almost murdered by God in Fort Wayne last month, when the deity hijacked Hill’s Pontiac Grand Prix … then either merged badly or briefly stopped existing … and finally proceeded to drive it over Oliveri’s motorcycle and adjacent sprawling human body. Does collision cover acts of god?

If Jesus loved you, you wouldn’t be driving a Pontiac, living in Indiana or named “Prionda.”

God’s worse at driving than women: http://www.inquisitr.com/1365065/woman-lets-god-drive-car-anthony-oliveri

And in “Now Why Will Congressman Check into Sleazy Motels?” news, assistant House Whip Steven Palazzo went all Gideon last week and sent bibles to all 535 members of Congress, including the token Muslim. The bibles came with a letter encouraging all legislators to let god’s word preempt petty mortal things like statistics and expert recommendations when it comes to making life and death decisions for their constituents.

That’s nice and everything, but it’s a little too late for Gabrielle Giffords to wear a Bible attached to her face. She’s not even in Congress anymore. Late – awkward.

…quitter. Speaking on behalf of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, Barry Lynn suggested perhaps Palazzo consult a slightly more modern guide to governance that his fellow Tea-Party members ejaculate about almost as often as the bible. You know, that founding document that protects your right to bring your elephant gun to Target? That’s the one.

Republican whip sends bibles to every member of congress: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/08/05/republican-whip-sends-bible-to-every-member-of-congress-to-help-them-with-decision-making/

And in “Poophole Loophole 2.0” news … It’s been over a year and a half since Washington State cleverly legalized gay marriage and marijuana on the same day, thus allowing men to lie together and get stoned, like Leviticus teaches. Colorado already has the weed taken care of, but thanks to a recent homophobic ruling by the state supreme court, they won’t yet have the gay marriage part. So for now, it’s just a bunch of dudes standing around getting stoned. Couch? Love seat?

I was picturing “giant champagne glass-shaped hot tub filled with vaseline,” but I usually am.

Colorado attempts to complete 2nd leg of Washington’s trick from below: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/07/29/colorado-gay-marriages-halted/13331771 <<AND>> Washington State’s 2012 Leviticus Trick: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/pot-possession-same-sex-marriage-officially-legal-in-washington-state

And in “Learning to Count with Herpes Simplexes” news tonight, a quick update to last week’s herpetic jewish pedophile story. You’ll recall us talking last week about two babies contracting genital herpes from having their recently mutilated cocks orally massaged by grown men with festering mouth sores. Well, it turns out that the Orthodox Jewish community has taken action and banned these two particular disease-ridden rabbis from sucking baby cock. They’ll have other, less viral people suck the baby cock like civilized human beings, so glad to see that they learned their lesson.

Great … They’re gonna take this on a case by case basis … “If a baby gets syphilis, we’ll ban syphilis. Very simple.”

Herpetic Mohels banned: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/05/jewish-mohels-banned_n_5650672.html?utm_hp_ref=religion

And with that we’re gonna actually close headlines for the night. Heath, thanks again.

I’ll be honest, I was surprised you were ready to go again so soon. Not bad for a guy your age. You can make up for a lot with good girth and good reboot time.

And when we come back we almost certainly won’t still be doing headlines.

Skit:

Last name, first name, middle initial?

Christ, Jesus H.

Are you the Jesus H. Christ?

Well actually…

…from Twitter?

…no. That’s some other guy.

Okay. Here’s your number. If you’d like to take a look at some of these pamphlets while you’re waiting.

Do you have them in Aramaic?

Is that what the terrorist language?

Nevermind…

(Seat creaks, papers rattle)

Psst… hey buddy, you here for the defensive driving course?

Yeah.

So… what did you do?

Took the wheel for some crazy bitch in Indiana and creamed a motorcyclist.

Heh… nice.

“Christ, Jesus H.”

That’s me…

Good luck, buddy.

My name is Edward McKinnon, I’ll be your driving instructor today. Are you ready for your exam?

Yeah, I guess. I just don’t understand why everybody’s making such a big deal about this. I’ve been driving since there were cars for my sake.

Look buddy, the only reason you’re not sitting in a jail cell right now is because your dad has connections. At the time of the accident your blood alcohol level was “wine”.

It started as water…

Follow me, please.

(Door opens, outdoor noises)

Which car is yours, Mr. Christ?

The one over there with the me-fish…

Is that tint legal?

Through a glass darkly, baby.

(doors open and close) (throat clear) (car starts)

Seatbelts…

Um… I resurrect so I don’t know if that’s exactly necessary.

It’s the law.

Even if you’re immortal?

It’s the law.

(Seatbelt noise)

Has this vehicle passed emissions testing?

Trust me, that’s not gonna matter. Where we goin?

Now, I want you to pull out of this parking lot and make a left at the stop sign.

And away we go…

(Turn signal noise)

You can disengage the turn signal now.

Easy for a guy with no holes in his hand to say. One second. (Squishy sound)

Now maintain this lane until you reach the…

(Window rolls down)

…There’s no need to… hey, you can’t stick your head out the window while you’re driving!

(honking) “I love me, baby!”

Get back in here!

Sorry… the bumper sticker, right? How could I not?

Could you please roll the window back up?

Okay, but first check this out. I stick my hand out the window and…

(whistling)

Very amusing, Mr. Christ. Now please roll up the window.

(Window rolls up)

You’ll want to slow down. The speed limit in this area is 45.

Chill out.

Slow down, Mr. Christ. There’s water on the road up there.

I invented hydroplaning, dude.

Look out!

(Squealing tires, Car crashes)

(moaning)

So… did I pass?

Are you fucking kidding me!? You broke every driving law we have… you’re clearly inebriated and I’ve got a crossing guard’s sign sticking through my intestines! Of course you didn’t pass!

Are you sure about that? Because that wound looks pretty severe…

What are you trying to say?

It would just be a shame if I suddenly unforgave you.

You heartless bastard!

Dad! Eddie McKinnon called me a…

Alright! Damn it, you pass.

Apology accepted. Tell uncle Pete I said “hi.”

(Slide whistle)

WTFI

What the fuck is… Wicca?

Wicca began in the 1950s as an attempt by horny men to see more naked women, and has since morphed into a means by which horny spiritualists of both genders can ogle one anothers genitals.

While most Wiccans will tell you the faith dates back tens of thousands of years, the truth is that they’re full of shit. The faith began in the early fifties and was first referenced in works by Gerald Gardner beginning in 1954. Additional authors with increasingly absurd pen names have continued to develop the faith over the past six decades to create an impossibly garbled web of nonsense and deepities.

Because of this lack of centralization, the definition and beliefs of Wiccans vary greatly from region to region, coven to coven and individual to individual. These differences are largely overlooked within the neo-pagan community because they’re all too stoned to give a shit and most of them are going to give up on this silly Wicca thing by the time they’re twenty-six anyway.

There are a few core beliefs that can be found in almost all iterations of Wicca. One is the duotheistic nature of their theology and an emphasis on both male and female aspects of god. Many if not most Wiccans tend to focus the majority of their worship on the goddess figure because she’s the one with the boobs.

Another common tenet of the faith is an open and progressive attitude toward sex. Nudity, sex and masturbation play an integral part in many Wiccan rituals, and while their attitude is a welcome contrast to the prudery of most religious traditions, in practice sex-positive is often utterly indistinguishable with sex-coercive.

At its core, Wicca is a nature religion, worshipping trees, flowers, insects and other things that look trippy when you’re on acid. This is often expressed in a dangerously stupid belief in herbal therapies, nonsense-based medical treatments; and gross misapplications of the word “energy.”

But the most visible aspect of Wicca is their belief in ritual magic. Just in case nobody was going to make fun of them, Wiccans have a series of what they call “elemental weapons” which include a magic wand, a magic knife, a handful of polyhedral dice and a character sheet. They use these weapons to call upon spirits such as the “Undines of the East,” the “Sylphs of the North,” the “Salamanders of the South,” and I’m serious.

Wicca draws upon both misinterpretations of ancient pagan rituals and misinterpretations of modern hermetic rituals in an attempt to multiply bullshit by horseshit. This leads to a convoluted ritual structure that is impossible to take seriously even by those performing it. In fact, the simple ability to utter phrases like “I banish you, Salamanders of the South,” with a straight face is the single qualification for the title of “Wiccan High Priest.”

Of course, you can’t have a serious discussion of the Wiccan faith without bringing up the strong lunar influence in their beliefs, so I won’t.

Bible Story:

“Run grab yer young ‘uns, folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible stories for Kids!”

Gather round, boys and girls. Today we’re gonna open our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the Old Testament’s most admirable mass murderers, Samson. And like all good biblical heroes, Samson tortures animals, massacres the innocent, vandalizes property, cons his friends, treats his wife like shit and racks up a huge body count.

But before any of that happened… in fact, even before he was born, an angel came to his mother. Or at least, that’s what his mother told his father when his impotent father came home and found his wife pregnant. But Samson’s father doubted his wife’s tale, which is the last time in this entire story that somebody will act in accordance with logic.

The angel told his mother that Samson would be a “Nazirite,” which meant that he had special magical Jew-powers as long as he never cut his hair. So Samson grew up to be a super-strength scraggly hippy and eventually his balls dropped and he set off to find some sweet Philistine ass. He saw a woman named Timnah in town and decided she looked young and moist, so he headed to her house to ask for her hand in marriage.

But along the way, Samson was attacked by a lion because sometimes the bible follows the Michael Bay rule of random action beats. So Samson kicked the lion’s ass and tore it into pieces because dismembering animals is very heroic. Then he went to Timnah’s house and she agreed to marry him. But on the way home to tell his parents the good news, he came back across the shredded corpse of the lion he’d fought and while he was gone, some silly bees had built a nest in it’s rancid intestines!

Well, like anybody would if they came across a bee’s nest in a rotting carcass, he decided to eat a handful of honey out of it and files the moment away in case he ever needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle.

So a few days later, Samson was at a party and needed to stump thirty Philistines with a riddle, so he said, “I bet you can’t guess what I ate some honey out of,” and while the Philistines explained that that wasn’t exactly a riddle, Samson went on to promise them all nice new clothes if they could figure out the answer.

But Samson made the mistake of trusting a woman. He told his fiancee the answer and she told it to the thirty Philistines. So they came back and demanded all the nice new clothes Samson had promised them. But Samson was as clever as he was homicidal so instead of buying new clothes, he just killed thirty random people, stripped them naked and gave the Philistines their clothes.

He also decided he didn’t want his wife anymore so he gave her to a friend. But then he changed his mind and decided he wanted her after all. But it was too late because his friend was already dicking her.

Samson was very angry so he set a couple of foxes on fire and sent them running through her family’s farms, burning all the food they would need to stay alive over the winter. Needless to say, they were very upset and went to Samson’s family and demanded he be turned over for justice.

Well, they turned him over alright. They tied him up and gave him to an army of innocent people who were just doing their job to keep the peace. But Samson broke through his binds, grabbed the discarded jawbone of a donkey and murdered all of them with it. And it must have been pretty gruesome because if you think about it, the only way to logically kill somebody with a jawbones is to gouge their eyes out, stick it in their ear or cram it up their ass. So it probably got pretty messy.

But just when all the homicide was going so well for Samson, along came a woman named Delilah. And like pretty much all the women who come along in bible stories, she was bad news. But Samson didn’t care because she had a vagina. But even better, she was into kinky bondage and discipline stuff, like when a mommy crams a ball gag into a daddy’s mouth and whips his scrotum with a riding crop.

But little did he know, her kink was actually a clever ploy to capture him and make him dance like a monkey. So after a couple of really obvious failed attempts to discover his kryptonite, Samson eventually tells her that he would be completely powerless if he cut his hair. So she cut his hair. Because women in the bible are pretty much always evil. Or raped. Or killed. Or all three.

So once he was sporting the Patrick Stewart look, Delilah helped the Philistines capture him and poke out his eyes. And then they chained him up so people could come and throw shit at him. But they kept him chained up so long that eventually his hair grew back and he pulled the building down from within, killing himself, Delilah and all the evil people who had captured him. And nobody lived happily ever after because they were all crushed to death.

The end.

Feedback:

It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback. This is the part of the show where we answer questions, correct errors, feign apologies and offer superfluous explanations of what “listener feedback” means.

Our first message comes in the form of a correction. We already spent a big chunk of a feedback segment clarifying our story about Liberty University’s new medical program, but Danny writes us to point a mistake we missed. I got the city right (Lynchburg) but I got the state wrong. As Danny points out, (quote)

“It’s not Lynchburg, Tennessee, (home of pretty good bourbon), but rather Lynchburg, Virginia, (home of not much).

And I’d also like to preemptively correct Danny’s correction by pointing out that Jack Daniels is a long way from “pretty good bourbon.”

Yes, so one more time, because this is important. It’s the place named after murdering black people in Virginia, not the place named after murdering black people in Tennessee.

Our next email comes from Mr. “A Color” from “A Place” emails to ask why I’m so much more of a podcast whore than Heath. He writes;

“I hear you a lot of the time on other podcasts such as Cognitive Dissonance, and The Imaginary Friend Show, but usually Heath doesn’t appear. Just curious as to why that is.”

Would you invite me to say words on your show?!? Noah edits out about 95 percent of the things I say. You guys only hear the clean stuff … That being said, I am capable of lifting my hand from the third rail if needed, so if invited, I’d be happy to appear on other shows more often in the future, when I can more easily afford to devote the extra time. And generous patreons can help make that happen.

So for the record, Heath and I split all the money that doesn’t go to new equipment or hosting down the middle. Patreon, PayPal, the book… 50/50. That being said, since he’s in New York and I’m in Podunk, Georgia, I can pay my rent, my utilities, my insurance, my cable, my phone bill, my Guatemalan masseuse, buy a months worth of groceries and an eight ball for the same amount Heath pays to share an apartment with two other dudes.

So all I can afford beyond the rent, is the masseuses and the eight balls. New Yorkers learn to make sacrifices.

Anyway, end result is that I’m able to do this full time, Heath still has a real job, so I’m a lot easier to schedule for other appearances. That and everybody’s afraid Heath will make AIDS jokes… in a bad way.

And finally, we had a Facebook message from one of earth’s top eleven people, April, asking for advice on dealing with the cookie-baking Christians Noah talked about in his diatribe a couple of weeks ago. Specifically, she wondered how to respond when a sweet old lady at work says, “It’s okay, honey, god loves you.”

So I guess this has top ten written all over it, huh?

For April? Anything. So top ten answers to a sweet old lady telling you god loves you.

10 – “I know, but sometimes I feel like it’s only for my dick.”
9 – “If he really loved me, he’d bring me some milk… and the Crown Royal bag in my glove compartment … Thanks old lady!!!”
8 – “Sure didn’t seem like it when he burned my tongue with that communion wafer.”
7 – “God loves me?!? … Uhhh … And I really love … hanging out with God.”
6 – “Yeah, but that slut loves everybody.”
5 – “Write me a check for seven dollars, and I might love him back.”
4 – “I’m sorry, did you say ‘Gollum’s a Jew?’”
3 – “But he sure doesn’t love the coloreds … Am I right, old lady?!? … She knows.”
2 – “Then why does he always want to fuck me from behind?”
1 – “Allah akbar. Go away.”

And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending those Tweets, emails, Facebook messages, and blog comments.

Outro:

Before we get to the prestige tonight, I wanted to encourage you one more time to check out Adam’s site and give if you can. It’s a great opportunity to help an atheist that needs your help. Again, you can find links to donate on our homepage, along with links to episodes of his show where you find more details about Iman’s story. Oh, and incidentally, if the Ray Comfort sketch tested your bladder, that’s Adam’s fault so be sure to direct your anger (and stream) toward him on that one.

That’s all we’ve got for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. Like I mentioned in the Feedback segment, I’m a bit of a podcast whore so when Thomas from Atheistically Speaking invited me on to talk about the situation in Gaza I didn’t let my downright embarrassing lack of expertise slow me down. You can find our conversation on episodes 55 and 56 of his show, both of which you’ll find linked on the shownotes and transcript for this episode.

I also need to thank Lucinda for knocking another Bible Story out of the park as well as all the other contributions she makes to the show every week. Of course I need to thank Heath for bringing his endearing breed of faux-bigotry and shit jokes to this enterprise; definitely couldn’t make this show happen every week without him.

Of course, I also need to thank Adam for joining us tonight and I need to thank Chuck, Willie and “little monkey Chuck” from “Chuck and Willie’s Book of Mormon Stories” podcast. If you just can’t get enough “Damn are Mormons wacky” in your life, you’ll find a link to their podcast on the shownotes as well.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s best people; Stephen, Roger, Thomas, Jeremiah, Johanna, Gerard, Tony, Daniel, Matt and David. Stephen, Roger and Thomas, who are so virile they have to put a condom on when they sext; Jeremiah, Johanna and Gerard, who are so clever they just convinced Muhammad that mountains are overrated; and Tony, Daniel, Matt and David, whose mighty fists are measured in Sharknados per meter squared.

Together these ten august, benevolent, charitable, distinguished, extraordinary, fucktastic, gracious, honorable individuals aided our quest to decimate the decalogue this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the alphabetical list of positive attributes required to give us money, but if you think you’re up for the challenge, you can make a per episode donation at Patreon (dot) com; which will earn you bonus stuff; or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “Donate” button on the right side of our homepage.

Also, there’s one donor who I forgot to thank a couple weeks ago. They got in touch with me and I filed it away in my head to compliment the shit out of them tonight, but then I couldn’t remember if they got in touch through email or Twitter or Facebook or Patreon or the Blog or what and I couldn’t find the message when I was putting together this week’s outro. So a thousand apologies. Please send me one last email and I will let the world now how incredibly above average your genitals are.

And, of course, you can also help us a ton for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes or checking us out on Stitcher. And apparently leaving a review on Stitcher is a huge pain in the ass so don’t worry so much about that, but if you like to listen on the go, definitely check us out on Stitcher and help push our rank up there.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts Tags: antitheism podcast, antitheist podcast, atheism podcast, atheist comedy, atheist humor, atheist podcast, samson and delilah

Episode 76 – Partial Transcript

July 31, 2014 Noah Lugeons Leave a comment

by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons

Note: Transcript contains elements that were removed from the final episode due to time constraints.

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Warning: When it comes to profanity, we don’t fuck around.

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Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Brain-O, the new home-chemical lobotomy system for Christians who are too smart for their own good?

Did some damn atheist point out one of the numerous logical contradictions in your doctrine? Did you suddenly realize that many of the traditional attributes of god are mutually exclusive? Did you make the mistake of actually reading the bible and now you can’t get the horror of it all out of your head? Well then try clearing your neuronal pathways with Brain-O.

Brain-O: Just like logical refutations of faith, it goes in one ear and out the other.

And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Intro:

It’s Thursday,

It’s July 31st,

And FOX channel’s famous doctor is named after a wizard imposter.

I’m Noah Lugeons,

I’m Heath Enwright, and from a city so fast-paced it has it’s own minute, New York, New York,

And one so slow-paced it has it’s own century, Podunk, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week’s episode,

Two more brisses go viral on the Jew tubes,
The FFRF will use its one initial advantage to defeat the IRS,
And Michele Bachman and Sarah Palin are never in the same room, are they? …

But first, the Diatribe…

Diatribe

I’m still kind of pissed at the world for not giving me super powers. Can’t fly… can’t summon fireballs, no telepathy, no invisibility. I mean, what the hell? I’d mostly use them for the forces of good. I’d fight crime… like especially parking violations and failure to yield. But no. No super powers.

Reality sucks. I want magic.

But not enough to pretend it exists when I know it doesn’t. And that’s the real difference between us and them, isn’t it? We all want eternal life in paradise and the ability to summon magical forces to come to our aid in times of distress. None of us actually have that shit, but we all want it. And some of us want it so bad that we’re willing to do anything to protect the illusion that it’s really there.

I’ve seen this up close and personal. When I was a younger man I was into all the spiritual witchcrafty tarot card nonsense and it amazed me how far people were willing to go to pretend they’d just witnessed something magical. I went to these gatherings, right? Couple dozen Wiccans all joining together in a rite to summon some thing or something. And invariably nothing would happen. And just as invariably, everybody would spend the rest of the night talking about what happened.

Now, we all knew nothing happened. We all just witnessed nothing happening. But for some reason, we would say stuff like, “I could really feel its presence,” or “I don’t know about you guys, but I really saw those pentagrams vividly.” Now, you can tell by the way it’s phrased that the dude saying it didn’t see shit. Right? Because if you actually saw something, you’d just say, “Remember when those magical pentagrams materialized in the air? That was pretty sweet.” You wouldn’t preempt it by saying, “I understand entirely if I was the only one who witnessed the thing that happened, since, you know, when everyone is looking at something sometimes only one person sees the thing, right? That makes sense, right? But I saw the thing that I’m not surprised if you didn’t see.”

Same thing with Tarot readings. I would make some vague predictions and some high-probability guesses. I would utter a few deepities and say stuff that everybody wants to believe about themselves and the whole time I knew I was just making shit up, and I figured it was pretty damn transparent. But people were always willing to bend over backwards to pretend they’d just witnessed something divine; something unexplainable; something that offers some vestige of hope that they themselves can still one day have super powers.

If you waste a piece of your life reading any of the neopagan books on magic and spiritualism, you’ll see the cognitive gymnastics right away. They’ll start by redefining magic down to the point where scratching your taint is an act of wizardry and then they’ll teach you how to scratch your taint. It’s amazing the kind of metrics these books offer. For some strange reason, every possible way to measure the success of your “magick” (and I spelled that with a K so it’s less bullshity now) are internal. They’re all things that you can’t measure objectively. “You’ll feel calmer,” or “You may feel a strange presence or the feeling that you’re being watched.” And it gets worse. “You’ll have greater luck,” or “You’ll avoid a calamity the next day,” or, and I swear this is real, “The world will be more peaceful.”

But just in case even these fluffy excuses for measurement are too specific, they also like to spend a lot of time pre-excusing your failures. You might have done it in the wrong phase of the moon. Perhaps there were some negative spiritual energies you hadn’t exorcised properly. Perhaps your personal chi flow was interrupted or your chakras were misaligned. So your unmeasurable success is also dependent on unmeasurable variables. That’s convenient.

Funny how this shit doesn’t happen with science. Funny how you never bring your phone in and the dude asks if your chakras were aligned last time you used it. The thing with the baking soda and the vinegar works in any lunar phase, negative spiritual entities be damned. Because science is real. And it’s actually happening.

Now, at the beginning of this whole thing, I lamented that I couldn’t fly or summon fireballs or communicate telepathically or turn invisible, but in truth science has already knocked out the first two, smart phones have alleviated the need for the third, and believe me, they’re working on that last one. And when you get in an airplane or turn on your cellphone, you don’t have to “truly believe” that it’ll work. You don’t have to utter a quick banishment or cast a circle of salt around it. Because it’s real and it really works.

And you don’t have to be brilliant to see that the things that are real are fundamentally different than the things that aren’t. I think we all more or less recognize the difference between magic and reality, it’s just that some of us don’t seem to care. Some of us think it’s perfectly okay to believe things that are absurdly wrong if we feel like it’s a good thing to believe. That’s the axiomatic difference between atheists and believers. Between rationalists and spiritualists.

I recently had a believer sum it up like this. She said, “If I thought I had a fatal disease and it prompted me to set things right in my life and cross a bunch of stuff off my bucket list, and then it turns out that I didn’t have that disease, ultimately I would have benefited from believing something was wrong.”

Seems like a strange example to use, in my mind. I mean, sure, you forgive and kiss your mom and go to Paris and go skydiving; that’s exactly what would happen in a novel with two white people almost kissing each other on the cover, but I’m not sure it would really play out like that. I mean, all the joys of mistakenly thinking you’re going to die may have been exaggerated.

But even if she’d chosen a better example, it wouldn’t change the fact that you’re always better off in the long run knowing the truth. Sure, it might be comforting for a while not to know your dog’s dead, but eventually you’re gonna start thinking about what a couple of dicks your parents are for sending your favorite dog to live on some farm without asking you first. And what the hell, can’t we at least go visit him? We go upstate sometimes.

But some people would rather lie to each other, lie to their children, and lie to themselves to protect this useless illusion that somehow we can bypass all the aerodynamics and stuff and just go all Superman. And they don’t seem to recognize that if everyone actually believed that we’d never have bothered to build an airplane. In other words, if you pretend your problems are solved, you’ve got no motivation to solve them.

And quite frankly, none of us should have to defend the proposition that believing true stuff matters.

Headlines

Joining me for headlines tonight is your sherpa up mount improbable, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to sherp?

Sure. All the upscale podcasts have personal sherping.

In our lead story tonight, American Atheist launched the Virgo Supercluster’s first ever all-atheism TV network on Tuesday, offering countless hours of archived programming including the Richard Dawkins Foundation’s entire video library as well as the more than fifty years of historical atheist videos in American Atheist’s vault.

Not sure if America is ready for reality shows with reality, but I’m glad they’re trying.

The network is available through Roku, a digital streaming service that’s kind of like cable except it generally works and the contract you enter into with them doesn’t give them the right to face rape your first born child. The channel offers the choice of on-demand or scheduled programming, including atheist speeches, stand-up comedy, documentaries, and science programming.

If they included the Patton Oswalt “Sky Cake” bit, I’d call the channel a success … Now normally my googling suggestions are much … pussy-er … more fluids … but this one is worthy nonetheless. Everyone google “Patton Oswalt Sky Cake” and watch the video. Hilarious!!! Or just get Roku and hopefully you can watch him on secular TV!!!

If you don’t have Roku, you can still check out the live-stream online. You’ll find the link to that site on the shownotes for this episode. And incidentally, if anybody from American Atheists is listening and they’re looking for somebody to anchor their eleven o’clock risque atheist news-satire comedy program, I know just the guy.

Stanhope?

Actually, now that you mention it, yeah.

American Atheist launches “Atheist TV” http://atheists.org/atheisttv

And from the “If they’re gonna keep blowing infants and giving them herpes, then we’re gonna keep mentioning it” file … mohels keep blowing infants and giving them herpes. Last week, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene – no doubt working closely with the SVU team – discovered two new cases of newborns getting herpes from the normally trustworthy dude, who goes around town mutilating baby dick for money.

You know, I’m sick and tired of a couple of bad baby-cocksuckers ruining the otherwise sterling reputation of the industry. What do people want? If you’re gonna mutilate a baby’s dick the least you could give him is a happy ending.

In case you’ve missed our coverage of this exact same problem happening before … And yes, that means babies getting herpes in the past, did not lead to any behavior changes … Here’s a little context for you. It’s standard practice in certain Jewish communities to welcome newborn boys into the world by cutting off a piece of their penis with a knife, at which point the mutilation specialist briefly fellates the baby – just the tip – sucking blood from the open wound.

But they aren’t pervs about it… they spit.

Doesn’t this seem like the type of situation where a baby’s right to his entire penis, and his right to choose a less slutty dude to blow him … Or no dudes at all??? … Don’t those basic human rights seem to outweigh the free exercise rights of herpes-enabling parents??? Somehow the answer in ‘No’. Unfortunately for babies dying of brain damage, Ultra-orthodox Jewish people have been corporations since long before Citizens United and Hobby Lobby.

And I think it’s important to stress that the “dying of brain damage” thing isn’t just an offensive joke about the mental faculties of Orthodox Jews; that’s actually a common result of this. There have been 16 reported cases of Rabbis giving babies herpes by sucking their bloody cocks in the last 14 years. Two of them resulted in death and two more in severe brain damage. And in case you’re curious, no, nobody believes for a second that the 16 reported cases represent even a majority of the actual incidents.

Can’t help but picture a mohel’s wife getting pissed at him … She finds a mysterious wad of cash in his laundry … “You bastard!!! Where’s all this from?!? … How many BABY DICKS did have to suck to get all this cash?!?” … Throws a handful of shekels in his face.

“I’m 37!?”

But not in a row …

Two more brisses go viral: https://www.vocativ.com/culture/health-culture/herpes-bris-new-york

And from the “If they didn’t have their dicks in your ass, they’d be the External Revenue Service” file tonight, the IRS has reached an agreement with the FFRF by which the FFRF will drop their pending lawsuit and the IRS will maybe start doing it’s job but not definitely. We hope this agreement puts a capstone on a story we’ve been covering since episode 17 of this show, known as Pulpit Freedom Sunday, in which pastors and preachers knowingly and blatantly break the law, videotape themselves doing it, send those videos to the IRS and dare them to do something about it.

Yeah, and as much as you’d think this means they get served with an audit, I guess there’s nothing the IRS can do but dance back, and send them the response video.

The law, of course, forbids a tax-free institution from publicly endorsing political candidates and telling their members how to vote. Religious leaders have ignored this provision for decades, and the IRS was happy to oblige their ignorance until the FFRF reminded them that the non-religious people were looking. After a failed attempt to get the lawsuit thrown out and an equally failed attempt to convince themselves they could win it, they eventually settled the suit by agreeing to do the job they exist to do.

But they’re not even doing that!!! They’re agreeing to maybe in the future finally abide by a 2009 ruling (based on a 1954 ruling) that said the IRS needs to have someone on staff to monitor illegal political actions by tax-exempt charities. But why the fuck is this person even necessary?!? Just use your regular staff, and TAX THEM!!! No more laws being broken, and preachers can keep endorsing whatever Tea-Bagging theocrat they want.

It’s worth noting that the agreement can’t be acted upon immediately because there’s a federal moratorium on IRS audits of 501(3)c organizations at the moment due to the ongoing Republican attempt to prove that Obama is a gay, Kenyan, Muslim, revolutionary, communist felon. This means that we won’t actually know if the IRS is going to abide by the agreement for some time, but we’ll be keeping an eye on the story and hopefully the next chapter will include a bunch of audited churches and uniformed rants about the first amendment.

IRS agrees to maybe do it’s job: http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/constitution/item/18793-irs-agrees-to-atheist-group-s-demands-to-monitor-sermons

And in “Why do all these shiny gay kettles look like me?” news, Congressional Republican Michele Bachmann – during a recent appearance on conservative Christian radio show, Faith and Liberty – warned that homosexuals are pursuing legislation to legalize pedophilia and polygamy. Obviously, expanding this exemption to gays would pose a serious threat to the near-monopolies currently held by Catholics and Mormons respectively … And that’s a big problem for Bachmann and her constituency.

Yeah, this push for the right to enter into a legally recognized monogamous relationship is such a transparent ploy to have ever more sexual partners. It’s a good thing Michele is there to see through the bullshit for us.

So like a pitcher noticing a perfect game in the 3rd inning – except the exact opposite – Bachmann did her best to keep the precisely wrong streak rolling … by expressing fear of another legislative lobbying move by the gays … This time, to break into the “protected hate speech” and “tyranny” markets. Once again, Christian monopoly territory … toes … stepping.

“Afore you know it, them fudge-packing fagots will be insulting us!”

Then she addressed the marriage issue … (quote) “For all of the thousands of years of recorded human history, about 5,000 years, there is no instance of any culture, nation or tribe ever having as the established standard for marriage anything other than between man and woman. It may have been multiple women and a man, it may have been something like that, but it was always between men and women.” (end quote) … I can’t- … even … You wanna take this one???

If she was serious about this traditionalism she should have died during childbirth. “Throughout the whole 6000 year history of our universe, people have died from cholera! How dare you not die from cholera now!”

Ok – ninth inning … Does she have one more? Indeed. She didn’t forget to add that legalized gay marriage is (quote) “denial of equal protection to all Americans” (end quote) … Denial of equal protection … So the repeal of DOMA ruined the word “marriage” for straight couples, similar to the way the 13th Amendment ruined the word “people” for whites.

And in private, I’m sure she’d agree.

Michele Bachmann: Atheist gay liberals to abolish churches and monopolize pedophilia: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/michele-bachmann-gays-want-let-adults-freely-prey-little-children-sexually

And from the “No, Seriously, shit on my bible” file tonight, the scientarians over at “Forever Bible” are claiming that they’ve finally made the bible as hard to destroy as it is to read. They promise a “nearly indestructible” bible and boast that now the bible can resist stains, rips, water and fraying as well as it resists scientific advancement and logical extrapolation.

It’s about fucking time they made a two-ply version. I’m chafing like an idiot over here.

The impossible to distinguish from a parody Kickstarter video associated with the book shows a series of young, active bible readers camping, hiking and literally surfing while reading their bibles. This precedes my favorite shot, which is a bible being horribly desecrated with mud, ice cream, sprinkles and an enigmatic seashell before being lovingly hosed off. And while I’ll admit the easy clean pages probably help in Song of Solomon, I’m not sure how important they are the rest of the time.

At the very least, it lightens up the loads for the guy who cleans the confessionals. Quick, easy mop up.

Despite the fact that the Kickstarter campaign has yet to reach its goal for R&D, the finished product they hope to eventually invent is miraculously already for sale on their website. Equally miraculous is the claim that the bible is at once completely non-degradable and environmentally friendly. Because sure. future generations will be finding our plastics until the sun goes out, but at least when they examine the plastic it won’t endorse slavery.

Kickstarter campaign for “indestructible bible” actually making money: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/23/kickstarter-backed-indestructible-bible-uses-space-age-nanotechnology/

And in “Mathematics has an atheist bias” news, a recent article on conservative site Campus Reform reported angrily that a core class at Ohio State University teaches that Christians are dumber than atheists … which is only really true if you say it more tactfully. And, nobody at OSU even said that anyway.

Well, not as part of a class, anyway. I’m sure it’s been uttered by many a biology professor over the years.

But if someone did want to say “Christians are dumber than atheists” … here’s how they would support that claim with evidence … Recent studies (and common sense) show a positive correlation between lack of religiosity and higher IQ. So less god, more IQ. Statistical fact …

But if hearing that bothers you as a Christian, that’s totally understandable … Because you’re likely less intelligent, and therefore confused by numerical principles.

Right. What do you expect when you have a group of people who can’t quite pin down the concepts of “three” and “one?”

So the non-controversy centers specifically, around the following badly-written homework question from a psychology class: (quote) “Theo has an IQ of 100 and Aine has an IQ of 125. Which of the following statements [would] you expect to be true?”

A) Aine is an atheist, while Theo is a Christian.

B) Aine earns less money than Theo.

C) Theo is more liberal than Aine.

D) Theo is an atheist, while Aine is a Christian.

Can I answer (E) Theo misspells shit and uses the improper form of “your” when he bitches at people on Facebook? Or is that just a restatement of A?

So given existing data mentioned earlier, choice A) is the only reasonable assumption based on the very small amount of information you have about the two people. So yes, the question is a terribly constructed way to engage an extremely simple statistical concept. But regardless, a reasonable gambler would always bet on A). And that was the point of the question.

C’mon, they gave the Christian three digits and that’s already pretty generous.

According to an anonymous student in the class … let’s call her Alice … According to Alice: (quote) “I understand that colleges have a liberal spin on things so it didn’t surprise me to see the question […] But how can you really measure which religion has a higher IQ?” … (Probably IQ tests) … So based on what Alice just said, and the studies mentioned earlier … Is she more likely to be: A) a highly intelligent atheist … or B) a slow-witted creationist??? Or even simpler … same question, based on nothing but the choices.

Atheists are smarter than religious people, but it’s not a nice thing to say: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/07/24/no-an-ohio-state-class-did-not-teach-that-christians-are-dumber-than-atheists

And in “Pin Your Flatulence on the Demon” news tonight, founder of the Holy Fire Ministries and prolific consumer of Vaseline Bert Farias has finally cracked the age-old scientific question of what the demons that possess gay people to make them want to fuck the wrong gender smell like. And it turns out, it’s (quote) “bad” (end quote) In fact, gayness demons smell so bad that (and I swear this is a quote) “other demons don’t even like to hang around them.”

Well this is news! Most gay people think they’re possessed by potpourri and lilac demons … So this should turn some heads … “Demons are like mustaches … You can tell the gay ones by the smell.”

So how does Farias know what sodomy demons smell like? Well, as if his claimed source of a (quote) “genuine prophet of god” (end quote) wasn’t enough, he also offered additional evidence in the form of an unrelated excerpt from a third hand account of an Iron Age jewish fable. Particularly, the part in Mark where Jesus casts 2000 demons out of some dude and sends them into a bunch of pigs. And apparently the pigs didn’t want the demons in them so they drown themselves in the sea. And from this, Farias has made the logical extrapolation that, considering how much pigs hate smelly things like garbage, feces and themselves, it must have been the rancid stench of the demons that drove the pigs to mass suicide.

Pastor: Gay people are possessed by fart-demons: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/gays-are-possessed-putrid-smelling-demons-even-pigs-wont-tolerate

And finally tonight, from the “Top of the Republican Agenda” file, GOP candidate for the Colorado House Gordon Klingenschmitt announced on his televangelism show last week that post-op trannies should still have to use their pre-op public restroom … And if elected as a representative for District 15, he promises to fix this broken system.

When all I need to do to turn your name into the definition of a dingleberry is take away the M, avoid giving me shit-related headlines. Easy rule to live by. It’s probably in Leviticus somewhere.

So his logic goes something like this … In Deuteronomy 23, it says that men with severed penes cannot enter the assembly of the lord. Or if it’s crushed … like by a boulder … still there, but all flat … That’s also a no-go. Therefore, if I misinterpret “assembly of the lord” to mean “all churches and public restrooms ever”, I can make myself feel better about being a bigoted asshole by telling myself that God approves.

So… is he saying that transexuals should have to shit outside in little holes? I mean… what’s he proposing here?

As ridiculous as the GOP platform – and Bible – might be, this sounds a little too specific to be just towing the party line for Jesus. I’m guessing Klingenschmitt really had to go one day, and got stuck at one of those awkward “1-3-5” public urinal scenarios. So he breaks the rules, and takes urinal 2, but it’s next to a chick with a bigger dick, and he freaks out, and gets stage fright midstream. Been burning ever since …

He does have sort of a “I haven’t pissed without screaming since 1996” look to him.

Regardless of his asinine reasoning, let’s give him some Christian-friendly slogans to post on the door, so as to distinguish his godly shitter from the separate but equal ones he’s gonna build for gays, blacks, and mimes … So we’ll need about 30 seconds on the clock … “Religious Euphemisms for Taking a Shit” … GO!!!

I guess “Morning Mass” is the obvious one, huh?

“Spraying to the porcelain gods”

“The Second Going”

“Passages from Numbers 2″

“Emptying the Tomb”

“The Turdin’ of Job”

I know this one is for pissing, but “Paving a Walkway for Jesus”

Follow the yellow slick road … What about: “Showing the brown kids the way to the glory bowl” … “Doing some squish-ionary work” … “Assuming the squish-ionary position”

“Banishing the Golgothan”

“Chopping Cords for the Idealogue Cabin”

Based on our previous reports about fecal matter in baptismals, how about “Preparing the Holy Water?”

“Sacrificing the Black Bishop”

“Recycling the body of Christ”… That’s a Scatholic joke.

“Exports from Pope Bran-delay Industries” … “Bowly Trinity” … “Splatican City” …

Alright. The Catholic ones are just plopping right out… “Poop John Sprawl the Turd?”

“Delivering the Lord’s Prayer-rie Dog”

“Birthing More Creationists”

“Feeling the Pain of Jesus’s Corny Crown”

Nothing worse that a thorny brown. “Baptizing a Snake”

Feel like the Jews are getting left out … Maybe a Kosher Pareve restroom? … “How is this shite different from all other shites?” … “This too shall Passover”

And let’s not forget those Muslims. They have great senses of humor about their religion, so… “Shi’ite from where the Sunni don’t shine?”

“Christmas Mass on Jesus’s Bidet”

Jesus would so shit in the bidet. But if it was Jesus it would be “Burning the other cheek.”

Nicely done! … And this one works for Muslims or Jews … “The Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game with No Pork”

Klingenschmitt says if you don’t go to church, you can’t use public restrooms: http://www.politicususa.com/2014/07/23/gordon-klingenschmitt-church-public-restroom.html

“There are well-heeled shitters everywhere___”

Alright. Probably the first and last time we ever close headlines on a “Guys and Dolls” reference, but everything has to happen eventually. Heath, thanks as always.

Pot luck eat a baby tonight!!!

And when we come back, god will get over all this Bruce Banner shit and get angry again.

This Week in Misogyny

Okay, so I’m in a bit of a quandary because I want to talk about international affairs this week, but I’m not sure if I’m smart enough to comment on those men problems. According to North Carolina congresswoman Renee Ellmers, women can’t understand complicated stuff like pie-charts and numbers with more than six zeroes, so I’m not sure if I can dumb this down enough for myself to understand.

Speaking at an RNC Women’s Conference (and you can just imagine the throngs of people lining up for that), Ellmers explained the secret to making women voters understand complicated stuff like economies and debtses and stuff saying (quote) “We need our male colleagues to understand that if you can bring it down to a woman’s level… that’s the way to go.” (end quote)

Politicians must “talk down to a woman’s level” to be understood: http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/_gop_congresswoman_men_must_talk_down_to_a_woman_s_level_if_they_want_to_be_understood

So we’re gonna talk briefly about how women are faring under the insane, bloodthirsty theocrats in Iraq, but afterwards, I’ll use dumbed-down woman words so that representative Ellmers can follow along.

We’ll start with their treatment of manufactured women. Store owners in the Iraqi city of Mosul were surprised last week when their new militant Islamic overlords demanded that they put face veils on their mannequins in an effort to keep the notoriously perverse Muslim men from having impure thoughts about inanimate objects.

Reports also indicate that tobacco and alcohol retailers are being intimidated out of business or outright killed. ISIS is also enforcing proper gender specific retail by forcing men who own women’s clothing stores to turn over their businesses to the appropriate gender.

Now, let me give you that same story again, but dumbed down to woman-level:

Those poor plastic girls who stand still at the mall all day have pantyhose on their heads!

ISIS forcing stores to put veils on mannequins: http://www.cnbc.com/id/101860481?__source=pd%7Coutbrain%7Ctopnews&par=pd

Of course, the treatment of Iraq’s artificial women is pretty damn lenient compared to their treatment of actual women. Reports of rapes, robberies and executions are rampant throughout ISIS controlled territory. A recent UN report warned that women trapped in Mosul will be forced to undergo female genital mutilation, but don’t worry ladies, it seems that report may be incorrect so your clit is way more likely to remain attached to your body than your head.

And again, same story, but dumbed down to woman-level, “Run for your fucking lives!”

Reports of ISIS call for female mutilation are probably false: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/24/isis-female-mutilation_n_5617833.html?utm_hp_ref=religion&ir=Religion

And finally tonight, we’ll make like any sane woman in Iraq who is able to and move north into Turkey, where Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc warned that proper Muslim women should be too modest to laugh in public.

Suggesting that the most important quality in a woman is chastity, Arinc said (quote) “She will not laugh in public. She will not be inviting in her attitudes and protect her chasteness” (end quote). Now, in Arinc’s defense, I’m sure that, for the sake of his ego, he has had to tell himself, “She must just be too chaste to have an inviting attitude and laugh at my jokes” at many a Turkish night club.

Turkish official: Women shouldn’t laugh: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2014/07/turkish-leader-tells-women-not-to-laugh-out-loud-in-public/

That’s all the time I’ve got for you this week, but don’t worry, if you want more misogyny, we’re only a couple of minutes away from breaking down another book of the bible.

Calendar

It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show, the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to keep you up to speed on all the great atheist, skeptical and secular conferences going on around the country and around the world.

We did all out August stuff last month, but I did want to throw a shout out for the Piedmont Humanists, who are holding their annual picnic on Saturday afternoon. If you’re in the Greenville, South Carolina area and you want to meet some local atheists there can’t possibly be a better opportunity this weekend.

http://www.piedmonthumanists.org/calendar/

Now we’ll slide into September, but we don’t worry, we won’t just ram our way into it quickly, as our first event starts on August 31st and runs through September 2nd and that event would be DragonCon. Admittedly, this certainly isn’t an atheist convention but draws a hell of a crowd of skeptics and if definitely an awesome place to spend a weekend.

http://www.dragoncon.org/

But far more to the point is ZetetiCon (and if you wanted me to pronounce it correctly, you should have named it something normaler) which kicks off on September 12th in Fargo, North Dakota of all places. Matt Dillahunty, Richard Carrier, PZ Myers, Aron Ra, David Silverman and more. And if that’s not enough, you’ll also have hundreds of people doing the ridiculous psuedo-Canadian accent from the otherwise flawless Coen Brothers film.

http://zeteticon.org/2014/

September 19th through the 21st we’ve got Apostocon in Omaha, Nebraska. Lawrence Krauss is their keynote this year; joined by Matt Dillahunty, friend of the show Dan Fincke, JT Eberhard, Margaret Downey, other friend of the show Darrel Ray, the ubiquitous David Silverman and more. So skip all the exciting Omaha nightlife for one weekend and try to make it out for that.

http://www.apostacon.org/

The Carolinas Secular Conference is taking place in Charlotte, North Carolina from the 26th to the 28th of September. They’re bringing in secular blogger and author Greta Christina, President of Black Nonbelievers, Inc. Mandisa Thomas, secular rapper Greydon Square, et cetera. Should be a lot of fun.

http://www.carolinassecularassociation.org/conference/

And of course, if you’d like more information on any of the events discussed, be sure to check the Transcript or Shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And if you’re involved with an event you think our audience would like to know about, I’m happy to toss you a free plug. You’ll find all the contact info on our Contact Page.

WTFI

What the Fuck is… Eid al Fitr?

Eid al Fitr is an Islamic attempt to take that feeling you get when you finally come across a rest area and unload the forty-four ounces of piss you’ve been damming up for the last eighty miles and turn it into a profound, spiritual experience.

This feast marks the end of the holy month of Ramadan and the start of the inferiority complex ridden month of Shawwal. After a month of intermittently starving themselves, Muslims the world over celebrate by no longer intermittently starving themselves. After twenty nine or thirty days of abstaining from food, water, sex and incidentally, happiness, from sunup until sundown, Muslims prepare the three hundred and thirty five to three hundred and thirty seven day effort to convince themselves not to go with a less fast-based religion.

Eid al Fitr is a three day event that moves around the Gregorian calendar. This is a byproduct of the lunar calendar that Muslims are too stubborn to give up in favor of the vastly superior “thing that actually makes years happen” based calendar. This year Muslims were subjected to a summer fast, meaning far longer periods of misery for those living significantly north of the equator. Muslims are no doubt tempering their celebration this year with a solemn remembrance of all the Muslims that used to live north of the sixty sixth parallel before starving to death in this annual tradition.

The traditional Arabic greeting on Eid al Fitr is “Eid Mubarak,” which literally translates to “what the fuck were we thinking?” In addition to giving up the 19th century prison diet, Muslims also celebrate by reciting special magic spells and reminding their all knowing deity how awesome he is in case he forgot since they reminded him less than seven hours earlier.

The day is also marked with entertainment and merriment. In the Quran, Mohammad famously chastised a friend when he tried to make his daughters stop singing because on Eid al Fitr, everyone is allowed to sing. To Muslims this signifies a level of leniency on this important day and to everyone else it signifies the fact that on other days these assholes would make young girls stop singing just to be dicks.

In addition to these common practices, there are also regional variations of the holiday. In Saudi Arabia, they decorate their homes with lights. In Egypt, they celebrate by sexually assaulting women in startlingly large numbers. And in Iraq this year, Muslims celebrated Eid al Fitr by decapitating infidels and lining their dismembered heads along the streets in a macabre attempt to finally put that “religion of peace” nonsense to rest once and for all.

Of course, Eid al Fitr is also a time of charity, giving, hospitality, forgiveness and joy, which, let’s face it, all religions say about all of their holidays. But still, it’s worth noting once in a while that they’re not just about violent theocracy and forced cliterectomies. Sometimes they also cook food.

So to all our Muslim listeners, I wish you a belated Eid Mubarak and, while I’m at it, I’d like to wish our equally numerous dinosaur listeners and leprechaun listeners a cosmic orgasm.

Babble – Isaiah

Well, it’s happened. We’ve passed out of the “Wisdom” portion book altogether and reached the “verbose compared to Nostradamus” section known as the “Prophetic” books. And, like all prophets, these books have to be insanely long to fling enough shit against the wall to occasionally be kind-of right.

Does the fact that I prophesied that this book would suck before I read it give me the right to order around jews?

Apparently not, because your prophecy ended up being correct. Unacceptable condition for a Jewish prophet. So joining us to discuss the post-masturbatory portions of the Bible is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

Great to be here.

Alright, so enough with all this “Gettin’ to know us” shit, let’s get prophesying.

Right away you know this one’s gonna be a chore. It’s the fifth longest book in the Bible and right away you get Isaiah going off like an apocalyptic street preacher.
1. Yeah, Isaiah goes off like your rebound girlfriend’s racist stepdad. Bunch of “These kids these days with their fringe-cloth saddles and goat-hair cruppers and them filthy Akkadians takin’ our jobs, what don’t even speak Hebrew!”
And then it gets scary and violent. Isaiah explains how god wants the Jews to take over the world and steal all their neighbor’s silver and gold and horses.
It’s nice to have psychotic, vengeful god back. Haven’t seen him since Job, but he’s back in full force!!! In chapter three he explains what horrible shit he has in store for all the Jews that piss him off, in case you missed the entire Old Testament leading up to this book.
1. Yeah, among the torments listed is that the daughters of the unrighteous will have their heads covered in scabs and paraded naked through the streets.
– ???
And he’ll smash them and burn them and their corpses will litter the street like ashes because they’ve been drinking the wine and galavanting with the strange women.
Then we get this weird scene where Isaiah chats with god and he’s got these six-winged Seraphs all around him and, if I’m not mistaken, god tells him to make sure the people of Israel remain as stupid as possible.

But first, God had one of the magical pixies burn Isaiah’s tongue out with a piece of live coal, to get him ready to tell everyone about the future badly. So don’t worry, there’s no hole in the plot there. Don’t even check.

And then we get our first glimpse of pre-Jesus.

A little spotting before the first coming. The pre-coming of Jesus.

I think it’s worth noting that the KJV still has the mistranslated “virgin” in that verse. But they get Jesus’s name wrong.

And here’s how you know God’s not a particularly clever dude. Regardless of what name he chooses for the savior of humanity, if he’s got any sense of humor at all, it’s something difficult and awkward to yell during orgasms … “Almost there!!! Wait for it!!! … Nnnnnnebuchadnezzar!!!” … “Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz!!!”

Right. The messiah is supposed to be “Immanuel,” but worse than that, it’s really clear that the young woman Isaiah is talking about was somebody alive at that time. This book was written in the 8th century bce… not to mention his coming was supposed to coincide with a worldwide thorn epidemic. So yeah, all kinds of problems with basing your religion on this passage.

And I wouldn’t recommend any of the other passages we’ve seen yet either.

What’s more, his birth is supposed to usher in a full blown apocalypse. And I’m pretty sure that if the world ended in the 8th century bce, we’d know about it.
And then god’s going to raise an army of cannibals to kill all the wicked evildoers, including the orphans and babies who are evil by association.
“So you know the human trafficking, heathen mercenaries that I hired to enslave you guys most recently? … Yeah? Well I changed my mind about them, and now I don’t like them. So I might be back on board with you Jews again. But not right away. It’s gonna suck for a bunch longer. But then maybe better. Who’s comin’ with me?”
And honestly, Christianity would be way cooler if they stuck to this messiah Isaiah is talking about because this dude ejaculates fire demons and kills people with his lips, both of which would have made a much better image for the Sistine Chapel.
1. And also, this Jesus does a way better job because by the time he’s done with it bears start grazing and lions are friendly and you can safely get cunilingus from a poisonous asp.
2. He was also supposed to split the red sea into seven rivers with a land bridge.

And what about the land bridge connecting Brazil and Senegal in Risk?

–
It’s hard to stress what a truly fucked up book this is, though. Because what it’s saying is that god wants to kill basically everybody, but instead of doing it himself, he needs an army of true believers to give him a hand. Basically he says, “Wanted: Righteous believers to smash babies and ravish wives.”

Sounds like my profile on MormonMingle.com …

So let’s be perfectly clear about this. The very first prophecy in the prophetic books is that Jewish enslavement in Assyria would end when Emmanuel rose up with an army, the world turned to thorns, the sun became black and the Assyrians were all enslaved by the jews. And in case you’re not particularly a history buff, I should point out that that didn’t happen.

Not during observational history. Could have been during historical history, but no way to check.

And even the cities he correctly predicts the destruction of, he gets wrong. Like Moab. He says that Moab will be destroyed and I can’t find it on Google Maps, so there you go; but he also says the way it’ll go is that all the people will turn bald and the crops will dry up and that’s probably not how it happened at all.
Also, god will harp-fart. Isaiah 16:11 “Wherefore my bowels shall sound like a harp.”
Then we get to the one that has all the modern day reality-impaired lunatics up in arms, the prophecy about the destruction of Damascus.
1. Keeping in mind, of course that until now he’s clearly talking about a Jewish uprising that will destroy their oppressors in the near term. Like… within a generation… of 740 bce.
2. Yeah, this is the one you’ve gotta read if you want to get your bearings when Michelle Bachmann starts bringing up olive trees.

“Well Israel doesn’t seem to be having any trouble defending it’s current borders. And given all their ally neighbors, they should be able to take over Syria pretty soon. The demand for Judaism in the region just isn’t being met. Market solution.”

–
And it’s hilarious to actually read this shit in context. Because the “end is nigh” nutjobs point to this part of the bible and they say, “See, it predicts bad shit happening in Syria and in Egypt and if you look right now, what do you see?” But it’s not like it predicts just general, “Bad shit,” it predicts very precise droughts and floods and not a living human remaining and how the pharaohs of Egypt will respond. In other words, if he was talking about now, he really fucked it up.
1. Well and those are also sandwiched in between prophecies about Moab and Tyre, so seems like we’re being damn lenient on the chronology, too.
Right, and part of the specific Egyptian troubles is god marching them all out of Egypt in a single file line buck-naked. When that happens, call me.
1. One of my top 5 chapters right there. Chapter 20 … Isaiah spends three years with his dick out so that god will make a naked Egyptian parade. Priceless.
–
So essentially we’re reading Jewish revenge porn. It’s just one city after another that Jew god is gonna smite for fucking with the jews… complete with gory details of how it’s gonna go down.
1. My favorite, even though it isn’t all that gory, is the post-spinach popeye treatment Isaiah describes in Chapter 22, verses 17 and 18: “The lord is about to hurl you away violently, my fellow. He will seize firm hold of you, whirl you round and round and throw you like a ball into a wide land.”
And chapter 23 seems to be an homage to the slutty city of Tyre. Prostitutes will exist forever, all over the world, but they have to donate their trick money to churches. So whore and pastor pimp are indeed two of the oldest professions.
Then they get bored with individual cities and just prophecy the whole world coming down. And I can’t help but think, we’re 24 chapters into a 66 chapter book and the world is already destroyed? Is Isaiah gonna catch a ride with Zaphod and Trillian or something?
In chapter 25 we get Moabites swimming around in giant dung-pits.
And in 26 it warns you to lock your doors because god’s judgment is coming and apparently god’s judgment is as lame as the aliens in “Signs.”

And the casting. Rory Culkin?!? Really?!? They couldn’t spring for Macaulay.

And right when we’re in danger of dozing off, Leviathan shows back up and god starts killing sea-dragons.
1. And while we’re on the subject, what kind of pansy god stops in the middle of a dragon fight to sing a song about vineyards?
And whoever wrote this is so fucking racist. It’s all “Egyptians are stupid and Ephraimites are drunkards and those squinty-eyed Dedanites can’t park for shit.”
–
We’re also reminded to always listen to the voices in our head. They mean us no harm.
And perhaps seeing the weakness in using human armies all the time, he does promise to lop the Assyrians’ heads off with a magic sword at least.
In chapter 32 there’s a part where Isaiah commands all the women to strip naked and pummel their tits for the sake of a good harvest. Not sure how that works.

I’d do shit like that all the time if I was a prophet. If God tells you when it’s gonna finally start raining in the desert … “Ok ladies, this drought isn’t going away by itself. We’re gonna need a topless rain dance … while one of you blows me … (Thunder Crack!!!) … Don’t doubt me, bitches!!! What did you learn?!?”

But obviously, if you’re a monotheist who believes god is just, you need shit like Isaiah. Because you need to know that god is just biding his time letting all these other tribes fuck with the jews while he plots his vengeance
And then we continue with the “You just wait ‘til god gets home” theme by describing in gory detail the bloody vengeance god has in store for anybody who burns Isaiah’s toast.
And it’s not enough to tell all these gentiles how brutally murdered their children will be or how raped their wives will be; he also has to rub it in by talking about the awesome paradise god’s going to establish on earth once they’re dead.
And just when you’re thinking to yourself, “I sure miss Second Kings chapters 18 through 20,” we rehash them for no reason at all.
Which, in case you forgot, is the story of god defending Hezekiah, then condemning him to die, then deciding to let him live another fifteen years, then punishing him by destroying Judah and enslaving the jews after he dies.
And what the hell is up with that? Centuries of empire the Jews had and they only managed 9 different historical stories to repeat over and over again?

Yeah so far, God’s plan seems more and more like a Bond villain trying to slowly kill the Jews with a Rube Goldberg device. These assinine, overly-elaborate, century-long lessons … And then you’re all slaves … and then I free you, but kill 90% … and then MOUSE TRAP!!!”

And believe it or not, there’s even more of this damn book. So we’ll answer that question and many more after this important announcement.

Pitch

Since we started doing this show in January of last year, Heath, Lucinda and I have written over a third of a million words worth of blasphemous dick jokes.

That’s more words than the entire bible.

Actually it’s not quite half that.

…more words than War and Peace.

No, that’s more like half a million.

It’s like a Moby Dick, two Great Gatsbys and an Ethan Frome.

Yeah, that’s about right. A lot people have asked us how we manage to stay so prolific week after week. Is it passion? Divine inspiration? Adderall?

But the truth is far simpler than that. Our Adderall guy got busted, so we hired a group of Dickensian street-orphans in East London who were willing to write for nothing but a spot of porridge and a leaky roof.

In fact, let’s pop over to Hackney and see how they’re doing!

(Whoosh)

Listen up! The sixty minute format has been a big success and it’s going to be permanent.

(groans)

Get back to work, or I’ll give you something to moan about! You there, why aren’t you writing dick jokes?

My hands, hurt, sir.

Your hands hurt!? Do you think those dick jokes are just gonna write themselves?

No sir.

And you there! How many Pope Francis nicknames have you come up with today?

Um… I came up with Pope Fran-colostomy bag, sir.

That’s terrible! No good. And you, there, what have you got?

Pope Frant-Farm?

Pope What!?

Pope Frant-Farm, sir… like an ant farm, but with an F and an R.

Utter shit! Back to work the lot of you. And you there, what have you got.

Pope Frabble-Rouser, sir?

Alright, that’s actually not too bad. I need four more like that today.

(groans)

We’ve been working since sun up, sir. Can we break for some porridge?

You’ll get some porridge when the listeners pony up at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and not a moment before.

(Whoosh)

So if you’d like to help our orphans get some more porridge… or maybe get Noah a dialect coach, please make a donation today.

And remember, if we can reach our next milestone, Heath can quit his job and we can fire those orphans altogether and let them go back to work giving handjobs to bishops and sixpence a squirt.

That’s probably not the right way to go.

Yeah, probably not.

The best thing to do is make them seasonal so we don’t have to give them benefits.

Or… independent contractors.

Now you’re thinking…

Previously on the Holy Babble… (insert) … and now for the unexceptional conclusion of Isaiah.

When we left off, I believe we were being reminded at length how awesome god is and how feeble we are in comparison.
1. Something of a running theme in this book.
–
And you can tell that historical circumstances really fucked up the narrative here, because for the first half of the book Isaiah’s talking about how god’s gonna lay waste to all the other cities and establish a worldwide Jewish totalitarian state and while Isaiah’s explaining this, the Babylonians show up, level their city and enslave them.
1. Right and then Isaiah has to say, “Yeah, guys, this is all part of the plan.”

“Part of the trick … And still … where did the lighter fluid come from?!?”

It must suck being god’s biographer… “Put in another couple chapters about how awesome I am.”

“And remember those Babylonians that I’m having enslave you right now??? Well I think I know how to get you out of this. Gotta be smooth about this, or everyone’s gonna know I’m Jewish. Just shut up about it, and I’ll fucking choose you guys.”

And I want to photocopy chapter 44 of Isaiah and send it to everybody who ever found Jesus on a fucking pancake. The bible basically says, “Jesus ain’t on no motherfuckin’ pancake.”
But I think what betrays this book most as being useless crap is the amount of it they devote to god reminding us that he’s god. It would be like me stopping every five minutes of the show and saying, “And I am Noah and there is no other host of the Scathing Atheist before me; I am he who edits the show and uploadeth it; for no other compresses the sound-files and embeds the musical interludes.”
–
There’s such an odd mix of divine threat in here, too. Like, once you’ve said “Hey, I’m gonna smash your babies to death, burn your cities, rape your wives and feed your flesh to your brother,” there’s really no impact in later saying, “You’ll be chilly and settle for foods you don’t much care for.”

“And the towels will be a little scratchy!!! And you might need a long-sleeve tee!!!

–
Right. Two chapters after condemning the oppressors to be uncomfortably cold, he says, (quote) “I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh and they shall be drunk with their own blood as with wine.”
In chapter 50 we learn that Isaiah beat Jesus to the whole “turn the other cheek” thing by at least seven centuries.
–
And apparently Jesus was supposed to get burned to a crisp and come back all Freddy Krueger looking, according to chapter 52.
–
Then we get another prophecy about the Jews taking over the world.
1. Followed by an assurance that there will definitely never be a holocaust, so Isaiah’s sub-Padrean batting average continues.

Yeah, when the prophet of god is below the Mendoza line … it really show you how hard it is to go one for five against major league pitching.

But that’s just the thing. The fact that none of these prophecies have been fulfilled in the 27 centuries since he uttered them is just proof that this post-apocalyptic Jewish theocracy is yet to come.

Right … Just like 45-year-old pale, friendless virgins are just about due to get laid any minute. That’s like ten black numbers in a row on the roulette wheel. The next one pretty much has to be pink.

Then in 56 god suddenly gets nice for a minute, reminds us not to be ungood and offers to regrow the balls of eunuchs if they pray hard enough.

“Can’t promise anything about using public restrooms in Colorado … But I can get you those balls back.”

–
It’s such a weird contrast, too. Suddenly he starts talking about feeding the poor and clothing the naked… it’s like “We’re gonna boil their flesh and eat it, but don’t forget to brush and floss afterwards.”
But the hiatus doesn’t last long. Three chapters later, god’s putting on his “vengeance armor” and his “fury mantle” and setting out to kill people again.
And I’m sorry, but the prophecies that Isaiah is laying down are way more than just wrong. In chapter 60 he goes on and on about how there will be no more violence in Israel.

Well the maps are tricky … Maybe he meant a different part of the region, like Palestine.

–
–
Then in 63 God makes some people wine. Really weird chapter where the guy says, “Hey god, what’s all that crimson on your outfit… you been making wine?” And god answers back, “Na, just been crushing people to death beneath my mighty wrath and I guess I got a little on me.”
The last couple chapters have a sort of “any minute now” feel to them.
Yeah, a bit of Isaian ass-covering here where they’re basically saying, “Well sure, god’s gonna come and avenge all of our enemies, but how’s he supposed to do that if you assholes are still burning incense on bricks and slaughtering the wrong number of bulls?”

“And you definitely rubbed the lamp three times??? … And you reset the router? … That’s just fucking weird … Maybe you weren’t being Jewish hard enough.”

And then all the jews lived happily ever after.
1. And the non-jews had their flesh eaten by immortal worms. The end.

So we all know that Psalms was the longest book and we already got through that one. Anybody care to venture a guess what the second longest is?

Please let it be apocryphal.

Jeremiah. Next one on our list. And Ezekiel’s number three. But if it’s any comfort, all ten of the shortest books are ones we haven’t read yet…

It’s not.

Alright, so that does it for the Babble. Three weeks to go and another even worse one after that. Sorry. Not my fault. I didn’t write this crap.

When I read the “harp-farting” part I started to wonder.

Heath, Lucinda, thanks again.

Feedback

It’s time for the part of the show that comes next, Listener Feedback. This is the few minutes that come next and contain feedback from listeners.

Our first message comes in the form of a comment on the blog. Donovan rights us regarding our Wisdom books wrap up last week regarding Eli’s choice for the best passage in the section, Psalms 47:2

You bastards actually made me go look up to see if it actually said ‘the lord most high is terrible.’ I so fell for that shit, as ‘awesome’ as it was.

Yeah, so Donovan went to his bible, double checked the passage and read, “The Lord most High is Awesome,” and assumed we were just fucking with him. We weren’t. Now, I don’t think we’ve actually mentioned this since episode 10 when we launched the Holy Babble, but Heath, Lucinda and I are all reading different translations. Heath’s reading the King James, Lucinda has the NIV and I’m reading the New Revised Standard Edition. And they don’t always say the same shit.

Yeah and my copy of King James is by Dan Brown, and it’s got a lot of parts that are different.

So in this instance, most of the newer translations say, “The Lord most high is awesome,” but in the KJV and the many bibles based on that one, it reads, “The Lord most high is terrible.”

“Awesome” … “Terrible” … Are we splitting hairs?!?

We’ve also got an email correcting an actual mistake I made in that same segment. We were talking about “Song of Solomon” and I said it was the only book of the Old Testament that got cut from the Mormon Bible and apparently I was in error.

Sort of … technically … but it’s a moot point, because according to the Old Testament, everyone that’s not Jewish is about to be fucked any minute. You definitely can’t be changing stuff. If Old Testament God shows up, Mormons might as well be ass-raping angels … and that dude’s daughter … with a Baal figurine … on a high place.

But as is often the case, the more I looked into the error, the cooler it got. Joseph Smith had his out (scare quote) “Translation” of the bible, or at least, was working on one when he was killed. And in that version, he does omit Song of Solomon and claim that it is (quote) “not inspired writing” (end quote)

However, the LDS doesn’t actually use the Joseph Smith Translation (which they call the “Inspired Version”) as their official bible. While they’ve canonized parts of it, they still officially use the KJV. So there is no specific “Mormon Bible,” but if there was, it wouldn’t have Song of Solomon in it. Which is off, because I thought Joseph Smith was all about the pussy.

So Joey ‘Splatter Day Saints’ started his polygamist cult just for the tax breaks … Get your facts straight.

Our next email comes from Michael, who would like a little help with his bumper stickers. He prints these up himself in 100 point type and puts a new one on his car every week or two and was hoping we could come up with some slogans for him.

Right… he’s looking for slogans that (a) probably won’t get his car keyed, (b) promote atheism rather than demonize religion, and (c) might actually open someone’s mind.

Yeah, he offered some examples of stuff he’s used in the past. Stuff like “WWUD: Think for yourself”, “You pray for me; I’ll think for you”, “In Reason we Trust”, etc.

Yeah, he even went so far as to say he’d donate $10 to the show for each one we came up with that he decided to use. So… top ten?

Okay, so we’re looking for the top ten… non-derogatory, non-vandalism inspiring atheist slogans Michael can put on his car?

Not sure it’s exactly on our wheelhouse, but we’ll give it a try…

10 – Umm… I guess “fuck jesus in the wrist holes” would fall under “derogatory,” huh?
9 – “Atheism: If you can read this, you’re statistically more likely to agree with me.”
8 – Maybe… “Yo Savior’s Momma’s so fat…” no…
7 – “My atheist kid got your honor student pregnant … But only for about a week.”

Alright, obviously not our cup of tea here. But what we could do is crowdsource this shit. So if you have an idea for Michael’s bumper sticker and want to help us make ten bucks with it, tweet it (at) Noah (underscore) Lugeons, we’ll collect together the best ones and present them on next week’s feedback.

Yeah, but don’t tell Michael because we want him to think we made them up. And we’re obviously not very good at this … so make it believable.

Right. Good call.

And that’s all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep those Tweets, Facebook messages and emails coming. You’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

Outro

Before we go quietly into the night tonight, I wanted to remind all of our listeners that Peter Boghossian is looking for volunteer artists to help with the app he’s developing to go with his book, “A Manual for Creating Atheists.” I happen to know we’ve got at least a couple of damn talented artists listening to this show, and as much as I understand the ridiculous rate at which artists get asked to work for free, this time it’s for a pretty beneficial product. It you’re interested, check the website for an email address or contact me and I’ll let you know who to get in touch with.

That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. Between now and then you can find some bonus bits of Scatheism on our Facebook page, our Twitter Feed and our YouTube channel. And a big thanks to all the fine folks who have recently taken it upon themselves to share some of the diatribe videos.

And since I’ve already got a little gratitude momentum building up, I also need to thank Heath once more for the incredible amount of effort he puts into this show every week. I need to thank Lucinda for her willingness to take on an ever more demanding role as the show grows. I also need to thank Tucker from the “Atheist in the Trailer Park” podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote. If his trailer park is anything like the ones down here, he had to hide in an interior room of his doublewide with all the doors locked and the windows shaded when he recorded that, so for that I thank him. If you’d like to check out his show, you’ll find it linked on the shownotes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most laudable listeners; Patrick, Monica, Warwick, Weston, Glen, Alex, Max, Wayne and Fred. Patrick, Monica and Warwick, who think so fast they could beat Professor X at Rock Paper Scissors; Weston, Glen and Alex, who turned down a Dos Equis ad campaign about their lives; and Max, Wayne and Fred, whose ejaculate is recommended by five out of five dentists. These nine inestimably estimable individuals have earned a small measure of immortality this week by giving us money; their praiseworthiness is now eternally archived that future generations will know of their great deeds.

If you, too, would like to earn the perpetual gratitude of future civilizations and the lifelong gratitude of Heath, Lucinda and me, you can make a per episode donation to the show at Patreon (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist, where you can also earn some bonus material and books and stuff. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking the “donate” button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.

And if you’d like to help but you’re allergic to donating, you can also help us a bunch by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, Stitcher or any other place that affords you an opportunity to tell everyone how many stars we’re worth.

If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.

Categories: Show Transcripts, Uncategorized Tags: antitheist podcast, atheism podcast, atheist podcast, Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons, Noah Lugeons

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