Live Blogging the Bible: Joshua 2
August 26, 2013
3 comments
by Noah Lugeons
On the one hand, I’m happy to finally meet a women in the bible who doesn’t fuck anything up, get raped, get turned into a leper or perform any defensive penis surgery. On the other hand, she’s a prostitute that sells out her own hometown to a couple of strangers because she’s afraid of them.
Meet Rahab, everyone, somebody who would probably, in retrospect, wish they’d left her profession out of the bible. No before we get into the non-heroic actions of this biblical hero, I’d like to draw attention to an element of the story that never occurred to me until I actually read it. We all know the story, of course, but for those who don’t recognize the name, this is the story leading to the fall of Jericho. Joshua sends a couple of spies to scope out the city and when the king here’s of their presence, he sends his men to find them and kill them.
Rahab the friendly prostitute elects to hide the men, lie about their whereabouts, mislead the royal guard and assist them in their escape. In exchange, she asks that they spare the life of their family. And to the credit of the women and baby and elderly people murdering Israelites, they keep their promise.
So lets start at the beginning, shall we? Joshua sends a couple of spies into Jericho to check out the cities defenses. So where do they go? Straight to a whorehouse! This part is usually glazed over and I’m sure most Christians and Jews think that they just took refuge in a whore’s house when the kings men came after them, but that is clearly not the case. The king sent men to this whorehouse because he heard the spies were at the whorehouse. Straight from god:
Then Joshua, son of Nun, sent two men secretly from Shittim as spies saying “Go, view the land, especially Jericho.” So they went, and entered the house of a prostitute whose name was Rahab, and spent the night there.
That’s the opening line of the story. It’s not until after that the king hears about their presence. Joshua sent two spies to check out the town and they decided to check out Rahab’s vagina first.
But that’s not the point. It’s just damn funny when you contrast it to the way these fundies feel about vaginas.
So the king sends his men, Rahab hides them in the roof of her house, misdirects the soldiers and sends them on their way. The spies go back and report everything to Joshua, then they have some dinner, cross the Jordan, circumcise themselves, observe passover and then attack the city. We might get into the pre-battle circumcision in a later article, but for now I’m just going to say I don’t recommend it as a military strategy. The reason I bring it up is that a bunch of shit happens between Rahab discovering that her hometown was about to be massacred and the actual massacre.
She had plenty of time to warn people. She had plenty of time to encourage her close friends to get the fuck out of Dodge. She had plenty of time to tell the king so that the city could be ready to defend the attack. But even failing all this, she also had a house that was a recognized sanctuary. The spies told her anybody in the house would not be killed, but anyone outside it would.
I’d like to think that if I was in that situation, you’d open my door after the battle and it would be packed like a fucking clown car. But we fast forward to chapter 6 and the only people in the house are her family. Really? Not one person outside the Rahab bloodline was worth sparing there?
I guess I shouldn’t complain. It’s one of the few acts in this book that isn’t horrible on every level. As bad as aiding in the genocide of your home town is, it’s the least reprehensible thing anybody’s done in the book of Joshua so far.
The Fantasy Football League (of Sinister Secularists)
August 23, 2013
8 comments
by Noah Lugeons
A few weeks ago I did a diatribe about the importance of community in the atheist movement. It was really well received and we got a number of complimentary emails from atheists around the world telling us the stories of what they were doing to help build secular communities.
After reading a few of them, it occurred to me that I could be doing a lot more. The podcast and all it’s ancillary media provide a bit of community, but it’s only a fraction of what we could do. To be truly effective with our message it’s going to take more than a bunch of voices singing their own tune. Once in a while we’re going to have to be able to agree on a song and to do that, we need strong communities.
So I decided to combine my passion and a hobby I’m pretty passionate about; fantasy football.
I know that people who don’t play fantasy football probably think it’s insanely silly, but it’s something I’ve been doing for a couple of years and both Heath and I are avid players. It’s a fun competition among friends that keeps me engaged for months at a time and has helped me cement a lot of friendships. It’s also something that can be done entirely online between people who have never met.
Which makes it perfect for a group of atheist podcasters.
So I reached out to every atheist podcaster I knew (which is starting to be a substantial list) and a bunch of them that I don’t know to see if there was any interest in an all-secular-podcasters fantasy league. And as it turns out, there was plenty. It only took a few days to fill the league up with 10 people representing a half-dozen podcasts (and a secular website because one person backed out last minute).
We’ll be drafting this Sunday and I’m really excited about it. I’ll apologize in advance to any of our readers that could not possibly give a shit about fantasy football, because I’m sure I’ll be bringing it up again.
And at the risk of being accused of name dropping, I’ll satisfy the curiosity of anyone wondering who else is playing:
- Bill will be representing Bar Room Atheists
- Carl will be representing Post Rapture Looting
- Cecil will be representing Cognitive Dissonance
- Evan will be representing The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe
- Heath will be representing,,, us.
- Mark will be representing BeSecular.org
- Sean will also be representing Bar Room Atheists
- Thomas will be representing Thomas and the Bible
And if you noticed that there are only 8 players listed, very observant. I didn’t list me because there’s nothing to be gained from dropping my own name. We also have an additional player who is playing for a podcast that’s no longer in production, but I’ll be updating this as soon as I have access to her archives.
Categories: League of Sinister Secularists
Episode 26 – Partial Transcript
August 15, 2013
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by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons
Sponsor:
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And now the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday, It’s August 15th, and there’s no evidence to suggest anything important happened 2,013 years ago.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from begrudgingly heterogenous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode:
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A judge in Eastern Tennessee will hand down a verdict in the case of State of Tennessee vs. Whoever the fuck I say you are,
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We’ll learn about the lighter side of Nazi symbolism,
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And we’ll meet a man who blew up the family dog for all the wrong reasons,
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
For some reason, the fact that atheists are smarter than religious people is controversial. The fact that it’s a fact isn’t controversial, of course. That’s been born out by study after study, and regardless of wealth, education, gender and religiosity of the parents, atheists as a group always outscore theists when it comes to the ability to think.
Yes, of course, the smartest Christian is way smarter than the dumbest atheist, but on the average, the nonbeliever is significantly more intelligent than the believer.
And as well established a fact as this is, it’s absurdly polemical. It’s just not polite to talk about. Why, it’s downright rude to point out that people who believe logically incoherent things based on the authority of a guy in a silly hat are dumber than people who don’t. Even if you use big words they’ll know you’re picking on them from the tone of your voice.
Take for example the response to the new meta-analysis from psychologists Miron Zuckerman and Jordan Silberman. You probably saw it on Facebook under the heading “Fucking duh”.
Their study, which was recently published in Personality and Social Psychology Review, looked at decades worth of data from sixty plus well-designed studies and found that, to nobody’s surprise, atheists are still definitely smarter than theists.
And sure, this study has its detractors because religious people are really good at getting angry at reality when it fails to conform to their desires. So sure, a bunch of Christians are yelling “we’re not as stupid as we are!” and a bunch of scientists confirming that they’re wrong. Nothing new to see here. In fact, the only really interesting part of the study was the bit at the end where they try to answer the “why” question.
This is always really tricky for sociologists dealing with this issue. What we have here is a stupid question that demands an intelligent response. Why are atheists smarter than theists? Well, if you define intelligent as the ability to come to correct conclusions when given sufficient information you’re asking why intelligent people are smarter than non-intelligent people. But sociologists aren’t allowed to end their paper with “We conclude that religion is stupid”. So instead they offer up three possibilities to explain the data. And all of them are commendable attempts at not rubbing it in, but none of them stand up to intellectual scrutiny.
The first is that intelligent people are simply less likely to have conformist personalities and are therefore less susceptible to religious indoctrination, leading to lower levels of religiosity later in life. Now I’m sure that this is true and is a contributing factor, but at best it only partially explains the data. Even if you separate out just the people raised without religion, the atheists in the remaining group will still, on the average, be smarter. This fact, which is in their data, completely dismisses possibility number one.
Possibility number two is a little more reasonable. It posits that intelligent people are less likely to accept any belief that isn’t subject to empirical testing or logical reasoning. But as reasonable as this is, it still has no explanatory powers because all they’re saying here is that intelligent people are better at thinking. And yeah, that’s true, but it still doesn’t address the parlor pachiderm.
Which brings us to possibility number three, which is the “gee, shucks” bullshit explanation that relies on four dozen assumptions that are unsupported by their data. They say that perhaps intelligent people are simply less likely to “need” the things religion “provides”. Of course, try as they might, they fail to demonstrate any “benefit” of religion, so this lacks any explanatory powers as well.
It’s worth noting that some of the nonsense in their third possibility is directly contradicted by their own findings, as one of the explanations they try to use is that atheists are generally wealthier and in less need of a supplemental feeling of control. But since the data shows that the trend holds even when you account for wealth, this clearly can’t be the case.
I don’t want to be too hard on the researchers of course. They did the best they could to draw attention to a fact that needs to be given more credence in public discourse.
But if we were being fair, the question “Does an invisible person listen to you when you wish for things?” would be on the IQ test and if you answered yes you shouldn’t be allowed to have an IQ at all, but I know we’re not gonna get that. Still, the premise of this question is pretty simple if you grant that there is a correct answer to the god question. Basically, what we’re saying with this study is “People who got this major question right also tended to get other questions right”. It’s like a study that finds that people who know that capital of Belize are better at geography.
Why are atheists smarter than religious people? Because getting answers correct is the definition of intelligence.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is the brains of the operation, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to be statistically more intelligent than your theistic counterpart?
As an atheist, I walk into a church. There’s a guy nailed to a cross, there’s an 80-year-old likely pedophile giving a speech, and there’s a whole bunch of people hanging on his every word. Who’s the Vegas favorite to be smartest guy in the room?
In our lead story tonight, the Obama administration filed an amicus brief in favor of prayer at public meetings in advance of an upcoming Supreme Court challenge to the unconstitutional practice.
I thought Obama was an atheist . . . Uncle Clarence Thomas Aquinas . . . turncoat bastard.
That was a Wheel of Fortune ‘before and after’, a literary race traitor reference, a religious supreme court justice tie in, and a religion connection, all in one.
Give yourself more credit than that, it was a Wheel of Fortune “before and after and after plus before again.”
Anyway, the brief claims that as long as a prayer isn’t clearly intended to proselytize and doesn’t denigrate a particular faith, it is an entirely reasonable way to open a meeting of elected representatives. After all, as the brief points out, the House and Senate both have chaplains and when have either of those bodies ever fucked anything up?
What the fuck does a Congress chaplain do? Pray for separation of church and state? Pray for themself to be fired for a First Amendment violation?
And ALL wasting of taxpayer-funded time denigrates atheists. Live animal sacrifice has the same statistical success as Christian prayer in causing things to happen. Let’s just skip the prayer, save the goat, and have legislative bodies spend ALL their time preventing progress like they’re fucking supposed to.
This is just the latest attempt to reach around to the religious community, to offer a stroking hand of friendship, to bend over frontwards in hopes of attenuating the Prince of Darkness reputation Obama has among evangelicals.
Have I already made a joke about rosary anal beads?
Yes, but you can never make too many.
They’re acting like the beliefs of Christians are somehow informed by facts and occurrences in the real world.
Right, and despite the impressive string of compromises, concessions, copouts and consolation prizes, the fundies continues to clean their guns and stock up on freeze-dried legumes against the inevitability that the population will be imprisoned and forced to pledge their souls to satan.
Obama administration files amicus brief supporting prayer at government meetings: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/08/09/obama-administration-backs-legislative-prayer-in-amicus-brief/
And in “nautical nincompoopery” news tonight, sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from a tropic port when some homophobic weasel-eating rednecks lost the ability to separate Fox News from reality and decided to endanger the lives of their children in a fruitless and ill-conceived attempt to escape the abortion-loving US in favor of the rapidly sinking Kiribati islands.
Listen, I’m not saying bringing your children to almost die with you on a boat is the same as abortion . . . I’m saying it’s MUCH MUCH WORSE!!!
Abortion is quantifiably good for society.
Whereas negligent almost homicide, even bible-inspired negligent almost homicide, not good for society.
30 year old Sean Gastonguay and his 26 year old wife Hannah cited a number of imaginary reasons they chose to leave ‘Murica, including tax payer funded abortion, state control of churches, mandatory homosexuality and the tiny robots that sneak into their brains when they sleep.
Well they’re bluffing about that last thing, because they can’t know about the brain nanobots. That’s the whole thing with nanobots.
As far as the tax-funded abortion, that sounds weird, because I usually get my abortions done at a private doctor, but I never got any voucher checks.
I go to Jerry Orbach as Jennifer Gray’s dad in Dirty Dancing . . . the first and last likable abortion doctor in a movie.
“Nobody puts baby in the dumpster in the corner…”
Anyway back to the harrowing story of our deficient defectors, figuring that nothing goes better with stupid than more stupid, they opted to escape the country by sea; setting sail across the Pacific Ocean with a 3 year old, a baby and absolutely no knowledge or experience in navigation. Hannah explained that they (quote) “decided to take a leap of faith and see where God led us”, which, as it turned out, was floating aimlessly in the Pacific ocean for three months after rough weather crippled their laughably under-equipped vessel.
I guess it’s a no-brainer for atheists, but if they didn’t get rescued in time, who gets eaten first on that boat?
Family sails away from the gay, abortion loving US and gets lost. http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/219129631.html?page=all&prepage=1&c=y#continue
And in “Not the preferred nomenclature” news tonight, it turns out there’s a legal limit to how weird a black person’s name can be. Or at least, that’s the opinion of the dishonorable Judge Lu Ann Ballew, who decided to change a 7 month old babies name of her own volition during a custody dispute.
If black people weren’t allowed to give their kid any name they want . . . I’d probably be able to make a racist-sounding analogy right here. But I can’t, so black mothers – and occasionally black fathers – can name their kids whatever they want.
The Eastern Tennessee Judge was hearing a custody case involving a baby named “Messiah” and despite having not been crowned emperor and thus having no legal right to do so, she decided to overrule the birth certificate, explaining that Messiah was a title, not a name and it had only been earned by one person and that person was our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Right, because the word messiah comes from Hebrew and appears in the Old Testament, which was that book all about Jesus.
In an effort to explain her actions, Ballew asserted that the name Messiah could cause problems in the largely Christian area. And while I understand the sensitivity to insult a person whose last name kinda rhymes with swallow and has the word ball in it that adjudicates in Cocke County certainly has, that still doesn’t afford her the jurisdiction to rename people’s kids.
Quick story time . . . My atheist friend was being raised Catholic to placate grandparents, and when he got confirmed, he had to choose a saint to have as his confirmation name. So he tried to have “God” as his confirmation name, claiming that Jesus is a saint, and Jesus is God, therefore God is a Saint. To which his priest responded, “Wait, you lost me at therefore” . . .
Tennessee Judge renames baby during custody hearing: http://www.goddiscussion.com/113836/parents-told-by-tn-judge-they-cannot-name-their-baby-messiah/
And in yet another “naked, alien-worshipping lunatics redeeming Nazi regalia” story, the Raelians are in the news for the third time in as many decades this week with a misguided effort to rehabilitate the swastika.
Against all odds, they found something less-defensible than their existing cult beliefs.
And gratuitous mention of terrible attention-grabbing things like swastikas, Nazis, genocide, rape, cancer, abortion, and whatnot . . . That’s no way to get attention. Unless you’re our podcast.
Even I wouldn’t wear an ironic hipster swastika t-shirt.
Boasting a worldwide following nearly equal to the population of Pawtucket City, Rhode Island, the Raelians bill themselves as the world’s largest UFO religion, a statistical advantage cemented by the frequency with which their competitors commit mass suicide.
At this point, if you’re part of some alien cult, and somebody sets up any kind of punch bowl situation, you’ve gotta see that coming.
But if you think about it, they can only claim that because Scientologists are too embarassed to admit what they believe in public.
In the latest installment of their thinly veiled attempt to get people to talk about Raelians, the group flew a swastika laden banner over a popular Long Island beach sporting a web address where people could join them in their fight to reclaim the true meaning of the swastika.
This sounds like the worst Kurt Vonnegut book ever. Some galactically important alien plot that revolved around using swastika shapes for communication, and the Nazis unwittingly fucked up their whole plan, and Kilgore Trout had something to do with it somehow.
Fuckin’ anti-semite tralfamadorians…
Raelians work to take back the Swastika: http://www.theguardian.com/world/shortcuts/2013/aug/11/ufo-religion-raelians-reclaim-swastika
And in this week’s installment of CSI: Nazareth, Kenyan Lawyer Dola Indidis is fighting to overturn the conviction of one Jesus H. Christ. Arguing that Jesus clearly didn’t do it, Indidis has filed a case with the International Court of Justice against Pontius Pilate, King Herod and a ham sandwich.
How are Christians mad about this? Didn’t the Romans and the Jews kill Jesus for your sins? Follow the money. Who benefits from Jesus dying? Everyone. We all get to sin for free now. Plus, none of you are supposed to believe Jesus really died! This is all in the script(ure).
Included in his list of defendants are the modern day nations of Italy and Israel. The stuff that Indidis uses in place of logic supposes that Italy incurs guilt for pretty much being Ancient Rome and Israel incurs guilt by being full of Jews.
If they’re found guilty in court, what happens? We crucify a rabbi and a soccer player? Kenya owns Vatican City? Obama takes over as interim Pope?
In one of the greatest dismissals of all time, the International Court of Justice, which exists to hear claims pursued by states rather than individuals working on the behalf of bronze-age superheroes said that (quote) “it is not even theoretically possible for us to consider this case.”
Can’t waste time on religion bullshit, when that princess is still kidnapped, and that Bowser guy is still at large.
Kenyan lawyer works to overturn Jesus’ death sentence: http://www.policymic.com/articles/58445/this-kenyan-lawyer-wants-to-sue-italy-and-israel-for-killing-jesus
And from the “plumps when you cook ‘em” file tonight, police in Stevenson Washington arrested a man last Sunday after he decapitated his dog… with a homemade bomb… because it was possessed by the devil.
Here we are – atheist podcasters – basically reverse-publicists for religion. And they go ahead and start murdering puppies. We don’t even have to try anymore. I don’t think there exists a PR gaff worse, than having your institutional fairy tales lead to puppy murder. I’m gonna say religion and puppy murder one more time.
Feels good doesn’t it? The way we get to link those things because crazy people are almost always deeply religious? Anyway, 45 year old religious puppy murderer Christopher Dillingham was arrested on charges of reckless endangerment and possession of an explosive device last Sunday after strapping a black powder bomb to his labrador retriever and blowing it the fuck up in his backyard at four in the morning.
Bunch of savages. At least when an atheist murders a puppy with an IED, it’s not for an awful reason like religion.
Dillingham explained to police that his ex-girlfriend had given him the dog after imbuing it with evil spirits. When police asked why his windows were broken and a bunch of his shit was strewn around the yard, he explained that many of his utensils were also possessed and that purging his cookware of demonic forces was all part of his rapture preparation strategy.
Crazy people are capable of crazy shit like this, regardless of their feelings about Jesus.
But when sane people start filling crazy people’s heads with shit about impending apocalypses and seven headed dragons rising from the sea, aren’t they at least partially liable for the puppy murder?
I loved that when reporters asked why Dillingham wasn’t facing charges of cruelty to animals the sheriff actually said that such a charge requires proof of the animal suffering and when you blow a dog’s head off, it’s admiring its new collar one second and…
Man blows up family dog because it had devil in it: http://www.christianpost.com/news/man-preparing-for-rapture-blows-up-family-dog-because-it-had-the-devil-in-it-101756/
And finally tonight, in “If that tree wasn’t magic why would it be weeping tears of aphid shit?” news, a group of gullible spunk monkeys in California have managed to convince themselves that a tree outside their church is blessed with holy tears.
They need to bottle that stuff. It only takes 3 god tears to cure a person of homosexuality, and just a dab on the taint restores anal virginity.
Providing yet another example of the cognitive dissonance that religion can inspire, they’ve managed to maintain that belief despite the fact that the “tears” have been identified as a known phenomenon that is not only common in the area, but common on that fucking street!
Yeah it looks like God might have also been crying on my laptop screen and a sock I wore yesterday.
So according to people with knowledge and shit, what we’re actually dealing with is aphid poop. The aphids suck out the tree sap and crap out what arborist Jon Reelhorn describes as a “honey-dew excrement”.
How does this so-called “tree expert” know it’s aphid shit? He’s probably never even read the section of the bible that discusses the fecal form often taken by god’s tears on earth.
Though it wasn’t mentioned in the article, I’m willing to bet the parishioners are now employing the “space-peanut” defense by claiming that it’s a divine honey-dew excrement.
The Holy Shit defense lacks consistency. Not as solid as they think. Hard to digest . . . And a little bit corny, from what I’ve seen.
People pray to “weeping tree”; tears turn out to be bug excrement: http://www.wptv.com/dpp/news/national/People-pray-at-tree-outside-St-Johns-Cathedral-in-Fresno-California-say-tree-weeps-Gods-tears
That’ll do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
Pleasure
And when we come back we’ll be one up on Jesus.
Donation Pitch:
Here at the Scathing Atheist, we know that you could be spending your donation dollars anywhere and sometimes it can be difficult to decide to give them to us.
On the one hand you could support underprivileged people, handicapped by a misfortune of geography and desperate to taste the smallest fraction of the wealth our nation enjoys. On the other hand you could give it to a couple of middle-income New Yorkers who make fart jokes.
So to help you make the right decision when it comes time to donate your hard earned dollars, Heath and I would like to present our top ten reasons to give your money to us instead of starving kids in Africa.
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10 – African kids are awesome at starving to death and who are you to take that away from them?
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9 – No matter how you slice it, we’re funnier than starving kids.
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8 – AIDS is already an appetite suppressant.
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7 – The entire African economy is based on bony kids with flies crawling on them. How are a bunch of chubby kids going to inspire a coffee a day’s worth of sympathy?
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6 – A lot of Africans are Muslims.
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5 – These kids live in tribal Africa. The rent out there is nothing! It costs $450 a month to park your fucking car in Manhattan. When’s the last time subway fares went up in the Burundi? Never? That’s what I thought.
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4 – The swarm of flies around one kid is CGI just for the commercial.
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3 – Statistically speaking, at least some of the kids you’d be feeding are total assholes.
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2 – This should go without saying but podcast hosting costs money. Starving is free.
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1 – In the words of the late, great George Carlin, “Fuck the Children”
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Also in the words of the last few popes.
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So if jokes about starving children with aids and a little pedophilia humor tugs at your heartstrings the way it tugs at mine, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Bible Story:
“Run get the young ‘uns folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons Bible Stories for kids”
Today we’re gonna open our bibles up to Genesis and learn all about the first people that god ever made, Adam and Eve.
Adam was god’s finest creation, whom god fashioned in his own image. And Eve was an afterthought made from a rib when Adam decided bulls, sheep and hamsters were inadequate companions. And together they lived in the Garden of Eden.
The Garden was a beautiful paradise where the weather was always nice and there was always enough to eat. There were plenty of delicious fruits to eat, but the very most delicious fruit of them all was the only thing in the whole garden that they weren’t allowed to have, because it would give them knowledge.
God could have made the fruit they weren’t allowed to eat taste really bad or he could have just not put it there at all, but he decided to put the only thing they couldn’t have right there where it would be really, really easy for them to get it. But they didn’t because god had told them not to.
But then the devil came to them in the form of serpent and he spoke to Eve. Because, yes, boys and girls, the devil can inhabit snakes and talk to you. And it’s okay to tell kids that because they would probably have nightmares anyway.
God also could have not made devil snakes or been there when he knew that the devil was tempting Eve, but he decided not to because god is mysterious, so instead he allowed Adam and Eve to disobey him, even though he already knew that they would before they did, because god knows everything.
And when Adam and Eve ate the fruit, they realized that they were naked and they were ashamed of it because people should be ashamed of their bodies no matter what and nakedness is evil. And it’s okay to tell kids that because they’d probably already have plenty of suicidal thoughts in their teen years anyway.
So Adam and Eve made clothes out of leaves and they hid when they heard god coming because they didn’t want him to see their naughty bits. So god asked them, “Hey guys, where’s your cock and tits and stuff?”
And Adam told god that he didn’t want god to look at his penis anymore. So god got really mad. And it’s okay to tell kids that because the priests would have probably overpowered them even if they weren’t theologically predisposed to letting authority figures see them naked.
And god said “Did you guys eat the fruit I told you not to eat?”
And Adam said, “It was all Eve’s fault” which meant that god wasn’t the only one who wasn’t gonna see her naughty bits for a while.
So god became so angry that he stole the snake’s legs and made it crawl on it’s belly, which is a punishment even though it’s an equally valid method of locomotion that is better suited to the snake’s ecological niche than legs would be.
And god got so mad at Eve that he made childbirth hurt for all animals forever and ever. And he also kicked them out of the beautiful garden and made them live in a crappier world with hurricanes and earthquakes and disease and stillborn puppies. And he also cursed every human being who would ever live to carry the sin of Eve. Because she ate a fruit god told her not to eat.
And nobody ever lived happily ever after again. Because of a fruit.
The End
Outro:
Before we power down the engines tonight I wanted to apologize to anybody who got the impression last week that we’d changed to an hour long format. It was an hour long special because of the subject and the divisibility by five but we never actually said that during the show so if you were expecting 30 more minutes at this point, I do apologize.
I also wanted to offer another apology to one of the world’s most important bipeds, Evan. I was checking back over some notes and I’m almost certain that I forgot to thank him a couple of weeks ago for his generous donation. I’m really not sure how it happened and how I managed to keep missing it for several weeks, but Evan, thank you, you’re more awesome than almost everybody on earth and I’m really sorry.
And finishing my trifecta of mea culpas is an apology to Mechy from the Autistic Jesus Facebook page who provided last week’s Farnsworth quote and then didn’t get the plug I promised him in return for it. He’s just getting his page started there but if you can’t get enough godlessness on your Facebook wall, you’ll find a link to his page on the shownotes for this episode.
https://www.facebook.com/AutisticJesus
I also need to thank Heath for making this podcast so damn much better than it would otherwise be and I need to thank my beautiful wife Lucinda for doing a bible story this week despite her miserable head cold.
But of course, most of all, I need to thank this week’s most momentous multicellular organisms, Harry, Kevin, Will, Matthew, Richard, other Richard, Anne, Ben, Tyler and Michael. Harry, Kevin, Richard and Will who are feared by supervillains almost as much as they’re loved by damsels in distress; Other Richard, Anne and Michael who are formidable on their own, but together form the greatest robot warrior in the universe and Matthew, Ben and Tyler, three men with the scientific acumen, the penis girth and the bravery to rape dinosaurs but the willpower not to. These TEN brave and illustrious examples of humanity proved themselves this week by giving us money.
Of course, not everyone has the tenacity, capacity, veracity and sense of bold personal style required to give us money, but if you think you share Harry, Kevin, Will, Matthew, Richard, other Richard, Anne, Ben, Tyler and Michael’s eleemosynary proclivity, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you want to help us out but only if it’s free, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a sterling review over on the iTunes, adding us to your favorites list on Stitcher, liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, subscribing to us on YouTube and following our blog. Or doing some combination of those things as you see fit.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Don’t Try This at Home
August 6, 2013
3 comments
by Noah Lugeons
I didn’t think we needed the disclaimer at the beginning of the Holy Babble segment. I thought our commentary would leave little question that the bible is a horrible, tedious, frustrating, dull, insipid book and that nobody should ever voluntarily subject themselves to it. But apparently we didn’t make it quite clear enough.
A friend of mine and recent convert to the show told me the other day that we’d convinced him to buy a bible and give it a try.
I was flabbergasted by the statement. I don’t know what we said that would have “convinced” him, as I tried to make it clear that we were living in a constant state of regretting this commitment. I told him that despite all the laughs and good times we might seem to be having during the segment is an act.
But he was determined. He didn’t know there was a talking donkey in the bible until he heard our Numbers segment and he wanted to know what other Disney characters were going to show up. He pointed to the diatribe I did about how few Christians actually read the bible and while he isn’t a religious person himself, he was raised Catholic and had somehow missed the whole bible thing during his upbringing.
And while I applaud him in this effort, I certainly don’t recommend it. There are so many better ways one could spend their time, so many books far more worth a read, so many pursuits that would leave a person less inspired to beat their head against a solid object. So let me try to make this clear: We’re reading the bible so you don’t have to. If you want to read along at home, that’s fine, but I recommend a helmet for the sake of safety.
Categories: Live Blogging the Bible
Hour Long Special in the Making
August 2, 2013
2 comments
by Noah Lugeons
With Episode 24 still warm from the presses, Heath, Lucinda and I are already hard at work putting together episode 25. And if we can pull off all the stuff we’re trying to do, it’s gonna be a big one.
We’re commemorating the end of the Pentateuch with an hour long review episode and it looks like we might be bringing a couple of different special guests in to help us celebrate this milestone. If all goes as planned we’ll be joined by a literary scholar who can help us answer some of the burning questions about what the fuck is going on with the bible. We’re also trying to secure a special guest to join Lucinda, Heath and I for the Holy Babble segment, an insanely funny and knowledgeable atheist that you might recall from his papal bid in episode 4.
We’ve got a few other things in the works as well, of course, but if I’ve learned anything in 7 months of podcasting is that you can never count on things going as planned. What you can count on is us doing everything we can to make sure that you feel like the 60 minutes you spend with us next week will be worth your hour.
Categories: Podcast Updates
Episode 24 – Partial Transcript
August 1, 2013
2 comments
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new line of supplication supplements from Dei-Pfizer. Their new line of Holy Gesticulation Hormones and other Piety Enhancing Drugs is guaranteed to increase the effectiveness of your prayer by at least 600%.
Dei-Pfizer, because there’s no mathematical law against multiplying by zero.
And now, the Scathing Atheist:
Intro:
It’s Thursday, it’s August 1st, there’s a new royal baby and he looks delicious…
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from psychotropic New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode,
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North Carolina preemptively declares their independence from Saudi Arabia,
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We’ll get almost all the way through the headlines segment without making a rape joke,
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And we’ll learn that Alfredo Borodowski is one wascally wabbi.
But first the Diatribe:
Diatribe:
Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance invited me on their show last week. We had a blast hanging out and you can hear most of that blast on episode 109 of their show, which you’ll find linked on the shownotes for the episode.
http://dissonancepod.com/?cat=700
But shameless self promotion is only part of the reason I bring it up. See, when I first started doing this podcast, I thought of all the other atheist podcasts as “the competition”. I’d listen to Reasonable Doubts and I’d say “Damn it, those guys are way smarter than us,” or I’d listen to Atheist Experience and say “Damn it, those guys are way more persuasive than us,” and I’d listen to Cognitive Dissonance and get pissed if they said something funnier about the thing I talked about than the thing I said was.
But then I heard something on Cognitive Dissonance that I could hardly find fault with. They said, “Hey, we just heard this podcast called the Scathing Atheist, it’s really funny, you should really check it out.” And that kind of changed my perspective.
I came to realize that these guys aren’t the competition. They’re the community. I realized I should be doing everything I could to help everyone spread this message. It probably would have occurred to me sooner, but like a lot of atheists, I’ve never been part of a community that accepted me. I had no idea what that would even feel like.
In my neopagan, hippy… shrooms and peyote, quasi-religious days I’d been welcomed by plenty of communities that were happy to have me as long as I was willing to play along with their bullshit. When my highschool sweetheart said I couldn’t bang her unless I got saved I experienced a similar thing. But I’ve never been part of a community that would welcome me if I said the shit I actually thought.
I can admit that I envy religious people for that. A religious family moves into a new town and there’s a community waiting to take them in. They’ll give their kids a chance to make new friends, they’ll give mom and dad a chance to meet people their age and all they ask in return is ten per cent of their income and that you keep a straight face when they praise the Jesus ghost.
Which brings me to a topic that’s been big in the atheist blogosphere of late; so-called “atheist” churches. Here we have some much maligned attempts to bring exactly this to the atheist community. You’ve got Jerry DeWitt down in the atheist haven of Louisiana, you’ve got Doug Stanhope’s Sunday Assembly on an international tour and you’ve got dozens of smaller congregations hanging out their shingles all over the world. They’re humanist chapels or secular missions or atheist churches or whatever.
And a lot of atheists hate them. I see where they’re coming from, of course. They argue that these things are a step toward turning atheism into a religion. They’ve seen this whole “yeah, but just sit down in pews and let’s chat about morals” thing before and they didn’t like where it led. They fear that even the non-tenets of non-belief can be perverted if you wrap a church around them.
I know a lot of really smart people disagree with me on this so I’ll grant that there may be objections I’m not aware of, but from what I’ve seen I think the pros far outweigh the cons. What’s more, I can see why a lot of atheists wouldn’t recognize the pros at all. After all, seven months ago I had no idea what it was like to be part of a community.
But we’re not talking about some vague, heartstring and platitude kind of benefits. There are scientifically proven advantages to belonging to a community. Benefits like not dying and not being a miserable old fuck while not dying. In fact, a lot of the research that Christians love to toss around that shows how religious people are happier and live longer can be entirely explained away when you separate out church-goers and non-church attending believers. It turns out those benefits aren’t coming from the pastor, they’re coming from the pews.
Secularists have made plenty of attempts to fill the void. We do our conventions and our skeptics in the pub outings and stuff and nobody has an issue with it. But as soon as you replace the lectern with a pulpit the radars start going off.
I say we’re making a big mistake if we voluntarily give religion a monopoly on getting together to talk about morality and forgiveness and community and family and love. I think we’re buying into their bullshit sanctity if we say that atheists can’t get together on Sunday mornings and sing songs and talk about ethics and get fired up about charity work and the beauty of the world.
Some people reject these things because when they instinctively refuse to believe that there’s anything good about a church, but that belies the data. Others simply think it’ll be easy to abuse. But if the message is one of critical thought and a love for science and wonder, I think we owe it to the world to embrace these places wholeheartedly. Still others reject them under the pedantic argument that atheism is simply a lack of a belief in god, god damn it.
But I also think there are plenty that eschew the idea because they’ve never tasted a welcoming community before and they simply don’t know that it’s awesome.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow subtly sarcastic satirist Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to be less grossly offensive than our words indicate?
I am ready, and with that in mind, let’s take a moment to discuss God’s latest mysterious way: The George Zimmerman verdict.
By all means.
So Florida is part of God’s jurisdiction, right?
If you’re in godly Florida, and you get murdered, it’s your own fault, as long as the gunman established his position before you accidentally walked through his hallowed standing grounds.
They talk about it like Zimmerman took a charge in basketball. But even in the NBA, an offensive foul doesn’t award you two shots . . . and definitely not two shots to the chest.
Great job weeding out the easily offended, now on to the news.
In our lead story tonight, North Carolina is set to become the 7th state to piss away taxpayer funded time to pass a law against doing away with the American judicial system in favor of Islamic theocracy.
New York is working on a similar law that would also prohibit Islamic murder, Islamic grand theft auto, and Islamic loitering south of Houston in lower Manhattan. Muslims in north Jersey can walk around and stuff, but they’ll continue to be monitored at all times by the NYPD.
And with them now making up significantly more than a quarter of a percent of North Carolina’s population, North Carolina legislators are fighting back against the inevitable demise of American values by introducing a bill that makes renaming a post-office seem constructive.
Much like invading a Muslim nation, this is pre-emptive anti-Muslim legislation.
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“They was fixin to legislate against us!!!”
This move has prompted criticism from both of North Carolina’s Muslims as well as national watchdog groups that point out that it’s as pointless as enacting a law against basing our justice system on the Code of Hammurabi or Robocop’s directives because no-fucking-body is trying to do that.
And as is often the case with southern lawmakers, we shouldn’t have to explain this, but . . .
Infinite Hamlet monkeys couldn’t create an exhaustive list of all your desired bigoted policies.
Proponents of the bill point out that there are only so many ways that one can legislate one’s bigotry against Muslims and the Burqa bans aren’t working out so well for the Frenchies.
In fairness, it’s not just the burqa . . . they’re banning any clothing that can conceal dynamite vests and pre-martyrdom facial ticks. Muslim rights advocates would probably like to point out that this is de facto segregation, but that would be admitting that Muslims are de facto terrorists.
I want to be part of a religion that requires everyone to wear the power loader robot suit from Aliens.
North Carolina set to become 7th state to pass “Anti-Shariah” bill: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/07/26/nc-muslims-hope-gov-pat-mccrory-vetoes-anti-shariah-bill/
And in this week’s “If God Loved you he wouldn’t have put you in Alabama” report, we have the story of a Baptist minister who was invited to open a meeting of the Alabama Public Service Commission with a prayer. As if opening a meeting about utility company rates with an invocation to a Jewish deity wasn’t bad enough, Minister John Jordan offered up this doozy:
(Soundclip: “We have murdered your children, God, and said it’s okay to have same sex marriage… we have sinned against you and we ask for your forgiveness)
Clearly it takes an Alabaman to see the connection between dollars per kilowatt hour and abortion, but I’m sure if you give Rush Limbaugh 5 minutes and a Vicodin he could explain it.
I save my aborted fetuses . . . to use in my Matrix-style power farm that puts electricity back into the grid. And I use them for cooking, obviously. I use the whole bloody undifferentiated mass. I’m like a Native American when it comes to environmentally sound birth control.
They also make great sea monkeys.
But the reason this is newsworthy shouldn’t be the extreme nature of the prayer. If he opened up the meeting by praying for more butterflies and happiness it would still be a violation of the First Amendment.
And a stupid way to go about getting more butterflies and happiness.
But Commission President and part time My Little Pony aristocrat Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh has responded to media criticisms of the prayer by explaining that it is her divine right as an Alabaman to be an idiot. In response to a HuffPo article, Cavanaugh sent an email explaining that (quote) “without a doubt, our nation needs more prayer, not less.” She then failed to add “So fuck the constitution.”
In Alabama . . . divine right and genetic destiny end up getting muddled. The gene pool down there’s just barely wide enough for a single, cousin-laden white stripe. Ideal for breeding gap-toothed theists named Twinkle. She sounds like part My Little Pony, part stripper. So like a live show in Tijuana called My Little Pony.
Alabama agency prays for forgiveness for abortion and gay marriage: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/25/alabama-prayer-gay-marriage_n_3651756.html
And in other “Seriously, Alabama is just stupid” news, the FFRF is hard at work trying to forestall the efforts of a misguided Alabama schoolboard to create an “Alabama School Prayer Caravan”.
Like a bunch of Muslim students on camels?
School district officials in Cullman County are planning to travel to all the district schools in August and have a 10-15 minute prayer stop with students at each one. And because the prayer sessions are described as optional, the dim-witted nincompoops behind this move think it’s legal.
Requiring students to do something stupid, is wrong.
Giving students the option to do something stupid, is also wrong.
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“Only door number 3 has a pit of fire.” . . . Not a good excuse.
And eating a baby at your atheist initiation is optional too, but does the group ever really accept you? No.
Superintendent and person who should probably always wear a helmet Billy Coleman explained the legality of this thing in a way so droolingly stupid I almost felt sorry for him. He said that it was legal because it wasn’t voted on by the school-board, which, in his mind, means that the school system isn’t sponsoring it.
No that means he should get fucked two ways. The school board should fire him for conducting illegal activities without their approval, and taxpayers should sue him for wasting real, secular money on those activities. Even after you factor in the ZERO effect of prayer, he’s in the wrong.
Right: The elected head of the school-board declares by fiat that kids will be excused from schools to pray with him, announces it on the school district’s website and then says it’s not a school sponsored event. So what the hell is it then?
Yeah, it’s like he’s saying, “It’s okay because I’m not doing this as the superintendent.” Does he wear a mustache and glasses for all the religious stuff? Is it okay for some random person show up at a school and start screaming about Jesus as long as they’re not affiliated with the school?
That’s certainly how it sounds.
FFRF tries to stop Alabama school prayer caravan: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/07/26/alabama-public-school-district-plans-prayer-caravan-to-bless-schools-for-the-upcoming-year/
And in other news, it’s not okay for some random person to show up at a school and start screaming about Jesus. And while this seems self-evident to people not elected to public office in Alabama, it somehow also eluded a New Hampshire mother who took it upon herself to show up at the school steps each morning to vocally pray for the safety of the children.
I’m sure she pleasantly shared the space with the Ramadan ceremonies and Quran readings being performed by a local Muslim parent.
Then a Jewish mom started handing out pamphlets and now the rural New Hampshire school entrance looks like Times Square subway station.
And of course there’s all the atheist truth ceremonies called classes going on inside the building. So it all balances out. Nothing grossly untenable about the situation.
Concerned mother and part time Edgar Rice Burroughs antagonist Lizarda Urena started her vigil when she heard reports that two bullets had been found in a school toilet. Seeing this as a sign of either forthcoming violence or a really fucked up lunch menu, she took the action that any probably-clinically-disturbed person would and started her public morning prayer regime.
Lizarda Urena . . .
Sounds like one of the Russian chicks James Bond fucks after the chase scene, before the opening credits . . . who is also plotting the murder of Harry Potter.
Does she not understand that the kids bringing weapons to school aren’t all secretly hiding a heart of gold like Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club?!
…he was fucking’ harsh.
So did anyone hand over their concealed weapons and doobage, in response to those non-consensual 7am bible readings that high school kids and New York City commuters love so much?
Recognizing that this was illegal, insane and really embarassing for her poor kids, superintendent Christine Rath banned her from school property. The move was applauded by the FFRF, the New Hampshire Civil Liberties Union, the president of the schoolboard and most of the right-minded people aware of the situation.
But that can’t be the end of it . . . Whenever right-minded people make a decision, some asshole zealot lobbyists manage to seek and destroy whatever societal progress may have occurred.
Indeed because Urena’s insanity has some religion in it, some wingnut conservative group had to come out on the side of the crazy lady yelling about Jesus to schoolkids. The “Alliance Defending Freedom” argues that silencing the ranting lunatic trying to evangelize to children entering a school is a violation of her freedom of speech. Of course, the fact that she now simply prays loudly from the gas station across the street kind of diffuses that argument…
Yes she gets freedom of speech. No she doesn’t get a pulpit for that speech, paid for by taxes. And I’m pretty sure there’s a building in every town since the beginning of towns, where it’s appropriate to discuss the Tooth Fairy’s horribly-compiled biography, or other equally useful books.
New Hampshire Mother banned from screaming about Jesus on school steps: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/26/lizarda-urena-prayer_n_3660904.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And from the “Rapid ranting Rabbi Racket” file tonight, we bring you the story of Alfredo Borodowski, a Rabbi who was recently arrested for several accounts of allegedly pretending to be a police officer so that he could yell at people for driving slowly in front of him.
Really?!?! A rabbi yelling about bad drivers and their black kettles? I’m pretty sure every Rabbi in New York co-owns the same 1992 minivan that doesn’t go over 25 miles an hour.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a convertible with pais blowing in the breeze…
Borodowski’s attorney explains that he has bipolar disorder, and while I readily admit to my ignorance regarding the specifics of bipolar disorder, I’m reasonably confident in saying that waving a plastic badge at people and telling them you’re going to arrest them for not using a turn signal isn’t a typical symptom.
Well I’ve only read 5 chapters of the Old Testament, and I’m already feeling a little Norman Bates coming on. And I’m aware I should read it as fiction. This guy based his life on that fucked up book. Can’t be healthy.
In light of his arrest he was released from his position at the prestigious Temple Emanu-El, but continues to act as the head of the Congregation Sulam Yaakov in Larchmont. The congregation released a statement saying that they stand by their spiritual leader while he recovers from the illness that made him repeatedly impersonate a police officer.
Yeah how will the down-trodden masses of ghetto Jews in Larchmont, New York ever survive, without continuity in their spiritual advisor on where to charitably donate their 2012 Range Rover?
If nothing else, one has to appreciate that in a single news item, Borodowski manages to reinforce the stereotypes of men by driving like an asshole, reinforce the stereotype about people named Alfredo by being a criminal, reinforce the stereotypes of Jews by using the cheapest, plastic, piece-of-shit badge he could find and reinforce the stereotypes of New Yorkers by using his crime spree to cuss at people for cutting him off.
A rabbi posing as a pig can’t be kosher.
Rabbi arrested for multiple counts of impersonating a police officer: http://www.thejewishweek.com/news/new-york-news/larchmont-temple-stands-rabbi-despite-arrest
And finally tonight, a Hawaiian pastor and founder of the Hawaii Cannabis THC Ministry is hoping that the First Amendment will be extended to bong hits for Jesus. Currently enjoying non-consensual anal-sex at one of Hawaii’s lovely federal detention centers, sixty-four year old Roger Christie was indicted in 2010 on charges that include conspiracy to manufacture and distribute marijuana.
This is a weird one . . . because I thought turning 60 implied consent. Above a certain age is statutory consent, right?
No big deal . . . There’s an old slogan on the island, “I’d rather be raped in Hawaii, than loved on the mainland.”
You lived in Hawaii for a while . . . I’m guessing you found that slogan to be true.
Like you said, I lived there for a while.
Christie argues that the THC Ministry is (quote) “a universal religious organization that uses cannabis to exalt consciousness, facilitate harmony and become close to God and nature and each other,” which is certainly no more or less a load of shit than the claims of other religions.
At least weed has an active ingredient that actually exists, and actually improves certain ailments. Religions just have sucrose and faith. I’d rather have the THC Ministry Shaman in the chemotherapy wing, than a medically useless Chaplain. Somehow I doubt Mr. Christie started his organization so he could do not-for-profit work in cancer wards, but he could have.
The church’s holiest day is April 20th and their Sunday service involves a volcano vaporizer, an extra large inhalation bag and some… I forget the other shit, but basically it comes back to the inherent problem with exempting religious people from laws. If I say jerking off on your cat is part of my religion, who are you to say it isn’t?
“And who the fuck are you to infringe upon my religious freedom by installing that jizz fence around your cat’s backyard play area?! How am I supposed to jizz on my neighbor’s cat and get to heaven like it says in this old book?! I know it sounds weird, but before you ask, yes, the book itself is irrefutable, according to itself.”
We’ll keep a close eye on this story, of course, as if Christie is successful, Heath and I will be starting an equally reasonable religion of our own.
Like, perhaps, The First Assembly of Statutory Rape
Our Lady of Mercy Killing
Maybe the Cuniling-regationalists?
Tax Evasion Orthodox
Lot of branches of that denomination already. How about the Whole Damn-Week Adventists?
Crystal Methodist
Hawaiian pot-pastor seeks 1st Amendment protection for getting shit-faced: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/20/us/marijuana-infused-faith-challenges-the-definition-of-religion.html?ref=religionandbelief&_r=0
Oh shit, that reminds me, I need to be elsewhere for 90 seconds, so that does it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks for joining me.
Pleasure as always.
And when we come back, we’ll have been worth the wait.
Discussion:
From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a few minutes to discuss some of the common apologetics used in defense of theism. Heath, what sad distortion of logic do you have for us today?
Today we’ll be discussing the moral argument.
I see. Is this the one where theists say that if there was no god, it would be okay to eat babies and fuck puppies and stuff?
There are actually a number of different iterations of this argument and the canine-penetration conundrum is only one of them. While it maintains popularity with laymen, a lack of documented baby eating and puppy-fucking has forced the more savvy apologists to refine the tactic.
I see. And how is it stated in its current form?
The syllogism goes like this:
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Premise one: Without god, morality cannot exist.
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Premise two: Morality exists.
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Conclusion: God exists
So I guess to dig into this argument, we’ll have to start by defining morality. How do apologists typically define morality for the purposes of this tactic?
They don’t.
Well it seems like it’s pretty important to the foundation of the argument.
Which is exactly why they don’t define it.
I don’t follow.
Look, if you define morality either you have to invoke god in your definition, in which case this is a circular argument, or you have to define it without invoking god, in which case you’ve just defeated your own argument.
Well then this one is pretty easy to refute. I mean, how is that any different than saying, “Without god, trees can’t exist; trees exist, therefore god exists”?
It isn’t, and that’s actually one of the strengths of the argument.
How so?
If anyone ever definitively disproves the argument from absolute morals, they can quickly shift gears to the argument from absolute trees. And if that one is defeated they can switch to the argument from absolute snails, and so on.
Okay, but my point is that the logical construction of the argument is flawed. It’s just a case of begging the question. Premise one is the conclusion.
Yeah, the flaw in this argument is that anyone smart enough to know what a syllogism is would also be smart enough to refute it. But this isn’t the only form of the moral argument. The second form is far more common and far more persuasive.
And what form is that?
It’s called the “What about Stalin?” defense.
I see. And how is this one formally stated?
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Premise One: Stalin was an atheist
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Premise Two: Stalin was immoral
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Conclusion: Atheists are immoral.
Well that’s just shit logic on the face of it.
That’s why this one isn’t usually formally stated. It’s more for people who don’t get the syllogism thing to begin with. The more common form of it is:
“If there ain’t no Jesus, how come you don’t just rape women and sheep all the time?”
Well it’s just as absurd when you state it that way.
Let me put this to you another way. When you first became an atheist, how many kittens did set on fire?
None!
(Sarcastically) Oh… yeah… me neither. But seriously, how many?
I’ve never set a kitten on fire!
Oh, Mr. High and Mighty over here. Well, regardless, I think we can both agree that there’s nothing in the atheist bible against setting kittens on fire.
There’s no such thing as the “atheist bible”.
So you admit that there’s no source for morality in atheism at all.
No, there’s no morality inherent in atheism, but there’s no morality inherent in Chinese food either. But that doesn’t mean that people who eat Chinese food are immoral. There are plenty of sources for morality other than Holy Books. What about democratic legal codes, societal imperatives, basic altruism, the minimization of harm? These are all examples of sources of morality that don’t rely on divine revelation.
Yes, but what about Stalin?
What about Stalin?
Stalin was an atheist. He was immoral.
Yeah, but what the hell does that have to do with anything?
And Kim Jong Il. He was an immoral atheist. And House. That dude’s a total prick.
But citing examples of immoral atheists doesn’t do anything to prop up the argument. I can list really moral atheists too. Or immoral theists. Or I could just cite the statistics on ethical national barometers in religious versus non-religious nations.
Yes, but Hitler.
What?
Hitler. Guy that killed all of the Jews?
Yeah, I know who he was, but what does he have to do with anything?
He was immoral too.
Hitler wasn’t even an atheist. He was a Catholic. But that’s beside the point…
C’mon, do you really think a Catholic would kill all those Jews?
A Catholic did kill all those Jews… with tacit approval from the Vatican. And inspiration from Martin Luther for fuck’s sake.
So he must have been an atheist.
He wasn’t, but it wouldn’t matter if he was. Hitler was also Austrian and he was also a painter. So does Hitler being evil make Austrians and painters evil as well?
Of course not. God makes Austrians and painters evil.
No, immoral acts make them evil… if they’re evil, I mean.
Right, but Pol Pot.
Right, Pol Pot was immoral and he was an atheist. But is still doesn’t bolster the shaky premise of this argument.
So you’re saying you agree with Stalin and Pol Pot?
You know what, sure. About the non-existence of god, I agree with Stalin and Pol Pot. I also probably agree with them that… you know, the sun rises in the east and having a penis is awesome.
Interesting point… but Mussolini.
Alright, I guess this could go on forever so how do we counter the moral argument?
Fucked if I know. As far as I can tell we’re screwed until somebody finds a more consistent and inerrant guide to morality than the bible.
Outro:
Before we tie things off for the night, I wanted to finally getting around to answering an email we got a few weeks ago after doing a story about Christian evangelists that target strip clubs, brothels and porn conventions.
Ann wrote to us to express a very polite concern she had with many of the porn and prostitution jokes we often do on our show. And before you label her a prude, I should express that her concern wasn’t the frequency of such jokes, but the nature of some of them. Heath and I obviously joke about some things far more objectionable than prostitution and porn, but when we do, we’re careful to ensure that the butt of the joke is never the victim. We make more rape jokes than are psychologically healthy, but the rapist is always the target of our humor.
And while I think a reasonable argument can be made that prostitution and pornography don’t necessarily victimize the men and women involved, I don’t think you can make a reasonable argument that the current form of prostitution and pornography don’t often victimize the participants.
Anyway, I wanted to apologize for the oversight and I wanted to thank Ann for reminding us that as our audience grows so too do our obligations to that audience. And while we’ll still be making plenty of porn and hooker jokes in the future, we will be working hard to tell only the best porn and hooker jokes.
And of course, we also need to take a minute to gaze in awe upon the blinding benevolence of this weeks best people, Steven, Zachary, Jeffrey and, if you can believe this, April again. Steven, whose deadly agility against swarms of ninjas is matched only by his seductive agility on the dance floor; Zachary, whose lightning reflexes and chiseled features are the envy of professional athletes, professional models and amateur podcasters everywhere; Jeffrey, whose wit and wisdom are so unrivaled that the IRS has deemed them taxable assets and April, who has donated to the show, like, 83 times now or something and is thus deserving of more words of praise than I have in my vocabulary and my thesaurus combined.
These four noble souls have renewed my faith in humanity, boldly redefined honor and embodied the most exalted form of dignity by giving us money. If you think you have what it takes to give us money, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. Remember, all donations to this show are tax deductible unless you live inside or outside the contiguous US… or right on the border
And, of course, if you want to help but you need to hold on to your cash for eventual ransom, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a 5 star review on iTunes. You’ll be helping us spread the word and giving me something to smile about when I hop on to iTunes at 2am.
I need to thank Heath for all his help as always. I also need to thank Lucinda for stepping up and providing this week’s Farnsworth quote at the last minute. I also want to mention to anyone out there who has a blog, a podcast, a Facebook page or any other medium of interest to secularists, I’d be happy to throw you a plug in exchange for an audio clip of you quoting everyone’s favorite mad-scientist from the 31st century.
Oh, and as I was running crazy late with it last week as well and already had the outro recorded by the time I got the sound file, I also didn’t have a chance to thank last week’s Farnsworth quoter, Allie from the Crafty Heathens Facebook page. If you’re into crafting and/or being a heathen, I recommend you give her page a day in court. You’ll find a link on the shownotes for this episode.
https://www.facebook.com/CraftyHeathens
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but if you want more, there’s more. Be sure to check out my guest appearance on Cognitive Dissonance’s most recent episode and check out our erratically published blog, follow us on the Twitter and like us on the Facebook and subscribe to us on the YouTube.
And seriously, if you haven’t checked Stitcher yet, do that. It’s the most convenient way to listen to all your favorite podcasts and if you listen to us there, you help out our Stitcher rank, which is still kind of crappy compared to our iTunes rank.
If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Overly Prepared
July 26, 2013
11 comments
by Noah Lugeons
(Warning: The following post has nothing to do with anything. It’s sort of a rambling bit of personal reflection loosely disguised as news about the show. )
I have this habit of over-preparing. Now, I know that sounds like a blatant ego stroke so I feel like I need to qualify it a bit. Let me give you a recent example.
Shortly after we started the podcast I got an unexpected and very welcome compliment from the host of a podcast I really enjoy. Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance dropped me a line just to tell me that he really enjoyed the show. He offered a few words of encouragement and closed the email with a preliminary invitation to guest on his program. I believe his exact words were, “When you’ve got a few more episodes under your belt we’d love to have you on to talk about the show.”
I’ve been a fan of his show for quite a while and I suppose it’s fair to say that he and his co-host Tom were a big part of the inspiration that got Heath and I started with this whole project. So needless to say, I was quite excited and flattered by the thought of appearing on their show.
A couple months went by and last week Cecil emailed me again to set up a date we could get together for a Skype interview. We locked down the date about 6 days in advance. So I had 6 days to over-prepare.
Now, with that long preamble, allow me to elaborate on what I mean by “over-prepare”. Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of all the things I did to prep for guesting on their show:
- I re-listened to their last 6 shows so that I’d be sure to be on point if I needed to refer back to a statement one of them recently made.
- I went back into their archives and grabbed 8 different episodes where they interviewed podcasters with the hopes of learning some of the common questions they ask.
- I wrote out answers to the dozen or so questions I anticipated and practiced them a few times until they sounded natural.
- I talked my wife and Heath into doing “practice interviews” so that I could work on transitioning from one topic to another, improvising for curve balls, keeping my answers non-rambling and concise, etc.
- I wrote a 6 stanza poem that incorporated 5 inside jokes about their show.
- I tested a new set up on my audio rig that would allow me to record my end of the audio without degrading the audio I was transmitting (using 2 mixers, 2 mics and an H4N Digital recorder if you’re interested in that kind of thing).
- I made two pages of hand written notes, including notes on a news story they wanted to cover with me.
- I read said news article and found 3 ancillary articles on the same subject in case anything not covered in the original came up.
This is, of course, in addition to running the interview through in my head two or three times a day for the six days leading up to it.
Now, I should clarify something here. As flattered as I was by the invite, this wasn’t an atypical prep-schedule for me. I did as much prep work when I appeared on Thank God I’m Atheist and Post Rapture Looting. I over prepare like this when we record each episode. I over prepare like this when I conduct an interview for the show. I over prepare like this when I go hiking or camping or to the 7-11. It’s the kind of person that I am.
And what’s more, I recognize that most of it is useless. Of the 12 questions I had prepared answers for, they only asked one of them and I didn’t give them the answer I’d prepared.
In truth, I already knew that Cecil and Tom were damn good interviewers and even if I was woefully under prepared, I’m sure they’d have kept things interesting and funny. I knew that they’d do all the heavy lifting and make it as easy on me as possible. And still I drove myself (and my poor wife) crazy for a week with an insane determination to be the most prepared guest in the history of their show.
I suppose much of it comes from just being a control freak. When I record our show, I’m the editor. I know that if I don’t like the way a joke sounded or if I say “um” one too many times I’ll be able to cut that out. I know that if I listen back over it and don’t like the way I worded something, I can re-record it. If I make a mistake, I can fix it.
Ultimately, my preparation marathon probably made no difference at all on the quality of the interview. I suppose that most of it could be considered an elaborate nervous tick. But it fooled my brain into thinking it was in control long enough to convince it to do the interview, and I suppose that’s all that really matters.
Categories: Random
Episode 23 – Partial Transcript
July 25, 2013
3 comments
by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons
(Transcript may contain material edited out of the final version)
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Fox’s new reality talent show, American False Idol. Watch as cult-leader contestants from around the country compete against each other and against god in feats of talent and existence.
The last prophet standing wins their own religion and a lifelong tax exemption. American False Idol, because even when Fox puts the name of the sin in the title, Christians still watch it.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday, it’s July 25th and it’s not too late to wave some popcorn under a Muslim’s nose tomorrow afternoon.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from statistically more rational New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode;
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Former celebrity Kirk Cameron is told by Facebook to cease and desist the fuck up,
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A new law in Louisiana won’t not make it not not legal to obey the law.
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And we’ll make fun of Fred Phelps’ dead mother,
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
Boy, this new pope sure is awesome. He’s a reformer. He’s a radical. He’s a beacon of light illuminating the dimmest hour of Catholic decline. He’s beloved by all, Catholic and otherwise. He’s approachable, off-the-cuff and lovable. He’s the antithesis to Pope Palpatine the second. He’s a game-changer.
Except for all the places that matter.
The major-media outlets are suffering from a bit or “Protestant Guilt” after spending two decades covering stories about Catholics butt-raping children so I guess I understand why they’ve been so quick to cram into the papal-fellatio waiting room, but in their eagerness to finally have something good to say about the Vatican, I think they’ve forgotten that balanced doesn’t equal honest.
So let me make something clear about Pope Franks-but-no-Franks: He hasn’t done a fucking thing.
Despite the publicity juggernaut to the contrary, carrying your own bags and posing for a photo-op in a jalopy doesn’t count as reform. Living in a palatial guest house instead of a palatial palace doesn’t count as reform. Washing feet and ad libbing shit about atheists going to heaven doesn’t count as reform. To reform something, you have to actually do something.
Let’s face it, during the reign of Pope Bene-dickhead we had some pretty legitimate complaints about the papacy. And none of them were, “That old fucker won’t even carry his own luggage!”
So where does Pope Frankly-my-dear-I-don’t-give-a-damn stand on the big issues?
He’s against condoms. He fully endorses the genocidal opposition to contraception that exacerbates the AIDS epidemic in Africa. It would take nothing but waving his magic pope wand to halt these detrimental policies, and yet he’s done nothing.
He’s against ordaining women. Not only has he made no moves on that, but he also left a long line of politically motivated misogyny behind him on the way to the Vatican… not to mention a few allegations of war crimes.
He’s staunchly homophobic. He’s actually described the move in Argentina to legalize gay marriage as “a war against god” and shows no signs whatsoever that he’ll be moving the Vatican into the twenty-first century with regard to gays.
He staunchly supports celibacy for priests despite the fact that it isn’t biblical (and actually directly contradicts the biblical prescription for priests and their sex lives) and could give a damn less if it’s harmful psychologically.
Come meet the new pope, same as the old pope. In all the ways that matter, he hasn’t done a fucking thing. And yet everyday I hop onto a religious news site and read about all these great “symbolic” reforms he’s making. Symbolic actions are great unless they’re coming from somebody who has the authority to make real change.
But the media is so desperate to paint him as a reformer that I’ve seen him extolled for coming out “strongly against the financial misdealings of the Vatican bank.” Like there was some other pope who was all about publicly endorsing money laundering for the mafia?
Look, maybe the media is right and I’m wrong. Maybe Pope Franky-Doodle-Dandy really is planning on reforming the Vatican from the ground up. But he hasn’t started yet. And when you take over as the head of the most corrupt institution on the planet you don’t get any extra credit for dressing less flamboyantly than the last guy.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is my fellow expositor Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to exposit?
I’m all about exposition. Whenever I need extra cash, I make an exposit at the sperm bank. That’s what that means, right?
In the interest of getting the sperm jokes started early, we’ll say yes.
Sperm gags are all about coming early.
The Spanish Inquisition of sexual events.
In our lead story tonight the state of California is considering a bill that would help child abuse victims receive compensation if they were otherwise unable to file suit because of time or age restrictions. Obviously, this bill enjoys wide, bipartisan support because who on earth would actually oppose allowing victims of child sexual abuse to pursue long overdue justice?
Catholics.
That’s right. The Los Angeles archdiocese made the mistake of taking the high road on justice for sex abuse victims back in 2002 and the bill California passed back then almost wiped them out. So this time they’re fighting against justice for abused children with everything they’ve got.
So a whole bunch of those tax-deductible donations to churches, are going to pay for pedophile advocacy experts. There’s a positive social externality in there somewhere.
Yeah, one has to imagine the lobbyists are all hoping not to get the “maintain strict statutes of limitations on child rape” assignment.
They’re trying to argue that “A certain day needs to exist, on which these people wake up, and they’re no longer a rape victim.”
Usually it’s the other way around in Christianity … Fall asleep a virgin, and wake up a rape victim. That’s how it went for Jesus’s mom, and lots of slutty altar boys, I imagine.
The archdiocese recognizes the public relations tightrope one must walk when vociferously siding with pedophilic rapists, so they’re hard at work trying to sell this bill as a prejudicial witch-hunt against Catholics.
If the tightrope represents the right way to side with pedophilic rapists, then I wouldn’t say the church is walking it. I don’t think they can see the tightrope from where they’re standing. I’m not impressed by “The lord rapes kids in mysterious ways.”
Well, they point out that the bill would not allow victims to sue public schools for abuse that had passed the statute of limitations, so clearly they’re just going after Catholic child rapists. After all, allowing victims to sue for tax dollars is directly analogous to allowing them to sue a private institution that is still largely governed by people who were and are actively involved in covering up the details of child rape and torture, isn’t it?
I don’t think the public school system could have pulled the same moves to cover for pedophile teachers . . .
“What?!? We sent the rapiest ones to teach Nazi grandchildren in Argentina.”
Catholic Church fighting child abuse bill in California: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/07/17/catholic-church-private-schools-lobby-against-california-childhood-sex-abuse/
On now to the ever-burning question “Could we have freed the slaves but not kept the South?”, we turn to Louisiana where Democratic state senator Mary Landrieu has introduced a piece of legislation called the “Freedom to Pray” bill, which would, in her words, “protect American’s right to pray.”
Was that part of the larger, “Right to Being and Nothingness Bill”?
This might mean the end of the atheist psychic nanobot thought police.
And as we long ago learned, making legal shit legal is a favored strategy for sneaking bullshit religious laws through the legislature and this one is no different. If you dig even a little, you’ll find that the intent of the bill is clearly to allow state and federal funds to go to programs that are explicitly religious in nature.
Does the legislation explain exactly how The Bill of Rights no longer applies in Louisiana? And if the church needs more money, they should just pray for it, hold their breath, and die.
Amen. Anyway, this all comes as a response to a recent hullabaloo about a quasi-military religious indoctrination camp being run by a Louisiana Sheriff’s department. The program was denied $15,000 in federal funding due to the ubiquity of prayer within the program along with pledges to “attend the church of my faith” and to “Love god”.
Bible Camp for redneck cops makes me nervous. Like ‘venerated obsoivances and rituals’, ‘Waco, Texas’ nervous.
Well hopefully you’ll be reassured by the evangelists running the program, who insist that the prayers are voluntary and a whole room full of people praying around you isn’t coercive at all. And that’s enough for senator Landrieu, who would clearly have no problem with a state run, federally funded program encouraging her children to bow to Mecca, as long as it was voluntary.
In theory, this would create an awkward, alienating situation for any Jewish or Muslim officers. But Jews and Muslims certainly don’t get hired by police departments – or sold property – in Louisiana, so in practice, it’s a moot point.
Louisiana Senator proposes bill to protect religious groups that receive federal funding: https://www.au.org/blogs/wall-of-separation/prayer-posturing-la-officials-seek-taxpayer-support-for-religious-program
And in satanic lesbian news tonight, Fred Phelps’ dead mother is now gay thanks to the efforts of the New York based Satanic Temple. Person whose name left him no career options except arch-villain or spokesman for the Satanic Temple Lucien Greaves explained that the action was meant to convey (quote) “a message of love in the face of hate”.
Like a money shot all over hate’s face. Chicken fried hate smothered in white country gravy. Phelps needs a Chia Pet, so people everywhere can put sticky seed all over his face.
6 sperm jokes already. He’s going for the record!
Anyway, the ceremony, which the Satanic Temple refers to as a “Pink Mass” was performed by Greaves and two same-sex couples and took place at the Mississippi grave of Phelps’ mother. The goal of the ritual was to turn the mother of the notoriously sodomy-obsessed preacher’s spirit into a posthumous lesbian.
This strategy makes sense, given the way shit works in the bible. This can even get her expelled from heaven. Jesus stops having pre-emptively died for your sins if you posthumously witness gay sex near your gravesite. Plus, that bitch natured and nurtured her bile duct of a son.
The ceremony was, of course, tongue in cheek, as in some dude’s tongue in some other dude’s cheek.
Jelly? Syrup? Rusty Trombone? What does a party like that cost? I guess if I have to ask, I probably can’t afford it.
Apparently the ritual called for two prolonged homosexual makeout session over the headstone along with some divine cock-stroking. Phelps’ mother, who died as the result of god’s retribution over our butt-sex loving culture, could not be reached for comment.
Satanic church holds same-sex ceremony at Fred Phelps’ mom’s grave: http://www.thegauntlet.com/article/28311/The-Satanic-Temple-Performs-Same-Sex-Ceremony-At-Westboro-Baptist-Church-Leaders-Family-Gravesite
And in “Apparently there’s a snooze button on your 15 minutes of fame” news tonight, Kirk Cameron, who you’ll remember from trying to remember where you remember him from, is in a tizzy because people can tell the difference between him being earnest and spam.
Who could forget about Mike Seaver and his best friend Boner? Classic member of the shitty 80’s sitcom canon. And let’s not ignore Cameron’s illustrious film career, including “The Growing Pains Movie” in 2000, and of course the Godfather 2 of sitcom movie sequels, “Growing Pains: Return of the Seavers” in 2004.
Cameron, who has used his post-C-list celebrity decline to promote creationism, has a new movie coming out and he’s been having a bit of trouble promoting it on social media. It began when Facebook blocked promos for his movie and called them “abusive”, “unsafe” and “spammy”.
It’s good to hear that Facebook is using algorithms that can sniff out abusive, unsafe, spammy shit like religion. Software that can process content, and then quantify its level of malignant wrongness – love it. Or maybe they just noticed Kirk Cameron’s name on it.
Facebook later apologized when almost dozens of Cameron’s fans made a fuss but just as Facebook unblocked him, YouTube gave him the boot calling promos for his film, “spam”, “scam” and “deceptive”. This block was later lifted as well, though promos for his film are still “spam”, “scam” and “deceptive”.
Spoiler alert: God did it. He was the rapist in the end.
Which end?
I was impressed by Cameron’s unflinching optimism when he boldly used the plural form of theater in describing the film’s upcoming release.
Further proof that you were never really a celebrity if people could say of your solitary known vehicle, “The star of that show was really Alan Thicke”
Kirk Cameron’s movie blocked on Facebook: http://radio.foxnews.com/toddstarnes/top-stories/facebook-blocks-kirk-camerons-new-movie.html & http://www.examiner.com/article/facebook-apologizes-to-kirk-cameron-for-blocking-new-movie
And in this week’s papal back-walking report, the Vatican is offering time off from purgatory for his Twitter followers, unless you ask Catholic pundits, in which case they definitely aren’t, because that would be stupid.
And if you retweet a papal bull in the next 10 minutes, the Pope will personally murder you, and send you directly to the good part of heaven with the comfy chairs for all the rape victims.
The latest in an illustrious Catholic tradition of trading imaginary favors for real ones, this story reminds us all that Catholics still kind of endorse the antiquated notion that you can earn perdition vouchers for climbing certain stairs and attending certain parties in Rio.
Also, if you duck for 3 seconds while standing on a white platform, you can fall into a 3rd dimension, and get a whistle that takes you to a warp zone that bypasses purgatory altogether.
The story begins when the Apostolic Penitentiary issued a document offering a plenary indulgence for those who attend the upcoming World Youth Day in Brazil. And because the Apostolic Penitentiary is known for being cutting edge and hip, they extended the indulgence to those who follow the event on Twitter.
For those who don’t want to be kidnapped by a dance-fighting cocaine cartel, they decided to allow the Twitter exception to participate without actually entering Brazil. . . I’m okay with that. But why not just go all the way, and put up some indulgence buy-it-nows on eBay?
That sentence may very well have contained earth’s first capoeira joke. Well done.
Recognizing that everyone loves a good “Damn is Catholic theology stupid” story, headlines like “Follow Pope online and reach heaven sooner” started popping up all over the place. Because, you know, that’s exactly what they said. But the accuracy of these mocking headlines didn’t stop Catholics from getting pissed off about them.
When your group is regularly offended by things that are true, it’s your group’s fault, not truth’s.
Try explaining that to Reverend James Martin who wrote a lengthy blog for CNN where he explained that you can’t get time off from purgatory for following Tweets, as that would be silly. It doesn’t count unless you follow those Tweets contritely.
Pope offers indulgences for following him on Twitter: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/17/sorry-you-cant-get-out-of-hell-by-retweeting-the-pope/
And finally tonight, in lubricated jew dick news, we bring you the story of Trigg laboratories where a congregation of rabbis from the Rabbinical Council of California have recently declared their “Wet” brand of personal lubricants to be Kosher, making it the first sex lube that is approved for orthodox jews.
Unless you count the fact that “Moses parting the Red Sea” was code for using menstrual blood as a lubricant.
Check out the mid-rash on that one . . . is what they would say about an unkosher vagina.
It’s important to note the implications of this move. Kosher laws are dietary laws. There is no requirement that suppositories, cosmetics or vaginal cleansers be approved by rabbis unless somebody plans on eating them. So this sex lube hasn’t been cleared for use as a sex lube, it’s been cleared for use as a condiment.
Yeah I could see marinating a chicken in that . . . and then shoving it up a Jewish girl’s ass, if she was into that sort of thing. I mean I wouldn’t suggest it, but if she asked, I’d step up.
And this is great for the Jews . . . They can finally go ass to mouth without worrying about the dietary repercussions.
You never go ass to mouth!
Ass to mouth notwithstanding, this does open up a wide range of new orifice/object permutations for Jews.
Yeah, just what are the rules about sucking orthodox cocks?
In other words, is it okay for women to kneel before the wailing balls?
Can Hassi chicks suck Hassi dicks?
This new lube opens the door to some easier Schindler’s fisting.
Maybe now they can finally put a glory hole in the wailing wall.
Gives new meaning to “Torah new one”
I guess it’s just the latest in the ongoing rabbinical debate on whether or not it’s okay to suck a dick that isn’t eight days old and recently mutilated.
To be fair, when CAN YOU suck an eight day old dick, if not right after you mutilate it?
Also to be fair, whose recently mutilated dick CAN YOU suck, if not that an eight day old boy?
Kosher lube opens orthodox jews to oral sex? http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2013/jul/17/kosher-lube-oral-sex-jews-lubricant
That does it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
You’re not gonna trim the end of those circumcision jokes off in post are you?
And unlike Jesus, we’ll be back soon.
Calendar:
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the time we set aside once a month to talk up some of the great atheist, secular and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world.
We’ll start in Toledo, Ohio on the weekend of August 18th where the Great Lakes Atheist Convention is welcoming JT Eberhard, Zack Kopplin, Jerry DeWitt and many more, including the Mayor of Toledo, which I find encouraging. And let’s face it, if a speaker lineup can get me thinking “I wish I was in Toledo”, it’s gotta be pretty damn impressive.
http://lanyrd.com/2013/great-lakes-atheist-convention/
Moving 7 days ahead and 7 thousand kilometers away, we’ve got the 15th European Skeptics’ Congress in Stockholm, Sweden on the weekend of the 23rd. Even though parts of the website are in Swedish, the conference itself will be in English
The speakers list includes DJ Grothe, Max Maven and a bunch of Europeans I’ve never heard of that have really interesting topic lines for their talks.
We talked up the Atheist Alliance of America’s upcoming National Convention in Boston last week, but it seems like every time I look at their website they’ve added more awesome speakers. Aron-Ra, Ed Buckner, Seth Andrews, Steven Pinker, Greg Epstein, Sean Faircloth and the list keeps going.
That one’s taking place in Boston over Labor Day weekend.
Lastly, of course, over that same weekend in Atlanta you’ve got DragonCon, which isn’t an atheist or humanist convention, but it’s awesome and it has a hell of a skeptical track so definitely worth checking out if you’re going to be anywhere near Atlanta. Michael Shermer, David Silverman, Rebecca Watson, Mythbusters Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage.
If you want to know more you’ll find links to the homepages for all these events on the shownotes for this episode. And, of course, if you’re involved with or aware of an atheist or secular event that needs a plug, you’ll find all the contact info at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Top Ten:
Ah, Ramadan, the only holiday that could also be considered a war-crime. It’s that desultory time of year when Muslims gather together in misery so that they can be reminded that sometimes being a Muslim really sucks. Considered to be one of the five pillars of Islam, Muslims work hard to ensure that Ramadan will never be commercialized like Christmas by making it as miserable as possible.
But knowing that our listenership might not be as familiar with the Muslim customs as they are with the Christian ones, we decided to dedicate a few minutes to answering the top ten most often-asked questions about Ramadan.
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Number ten: How do you celebrate Ramadan?
You don’t. This isn’t the kind of holiday you celebrate exactly. In fact, it’s kind of the opposite of celebrating. During Ramadan, all post-pubescent Muslims are required to observe a month long daylight fast. From sunrise to sunset, they aren’t allowed to eat, drink or smoke and are also expected to refrain from sex and foul language throughout. This is in addition, of course, to the lifelong Islamic prohibitions against alcohol, pork and critical thinking.
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Number nine: Does everyone have to fast during Ramadan?
Not everyone. Pregnant women, people who are ill, women who are breast feeding and people who are travelling are allowed to forego the fast as long as they make up the days later in divine detention.
…writing “I will not comprehend” on the chalkboard.
And while Muslims are quick to point out that little kids aren’t required to fast, because in most of the world that would be considered child-abuse, they are certainly encouraged to as practice for later in life.
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Number eight: Why?
Because the month of Ramadan is believed to be the month that Allah first revealed himself to Mohammed so Muslims mark the occasion by hating life.
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Number seven: When is Ramadan?
Easier asked than answered. Because Muslims use a lunar calendar, Ramadan moves around in the year. Each year it begins 11 days earlier than the year before, so sometimes they fast in the short days of the winter when you need food the most, and sometimes it falls in the summer when not drinking water is borderline suicidal in most of the Muslim world.
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Number six: What does the word “Ramadan” mean?
Yeah, even the word itself foretells of the general shittiness of this custom. It comes from the Arabic word ‘Ramida’ or ‘ar-radam’, and while there is no direct English translation, the gist of the word is “Heat and scorching dryness”.
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Number five: Why the hell would anyone do this?
Because religion makes people do dumb shit. Muslims justify it by pointing out that it helps them focus on the spirit rather than worldly things, as though ignoring reality in favor of imagination was a virtue. They also claim that it helps them master self-control without recognizing the irony that by doing it they’ve explicitly surrendered control of themselves to a fictitious autocrat.
But most of all, they say it helps them empathize with the less fortunate
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Number four: Well what about the sex part? Are they also trying to empathize with ugly fuckers?
Yeah, they never really address the fact that even people who are starving and thirsty are still allowed to jerk off.
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Number three: Is fasting like that unhealthy?
No… how could foregoing all the life giving sustenance for absurd amounts of time possibly harm you? And what’s more, how could believing that failing in this Herculean task would offend god himself damage a 14 year old psychologically?
Of fucking course it’s unhealthy.
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Which leads us to the Number two most often asked question about Ramadan: Seriously?
You bet your ass seriously. And we’re talking about Mulsim seriously. They’ve got levels of seriously we can scarcely comprehend. In fact, it’s even encoded in the laws of many Muslim countries.
The ones that have laws, that is.
Right, like Kuwait, where publicly eating, drinking or smoking during the day carries a heavy fine during Ramadan. Or the UAE, where it’s punishable by hundreds of hours of community service and in Algeria daylight mastication during Ramadan can land you in jail for years.
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And finally, the number one question asked about Ramadan…
How the hell do they get away with calling this a holiday?
It’s only a holiday in the technical sense of being an annual observance. In all other ways, it’s a punishment for being religious. The only real “holiday” part comes at the end of the month with a celebration called Eid al-Fitr, which means “festivity of breaking the fast”. It’s a day when Muslims reflect on the fact that if you hit your testicles with a hammer over and over again for long enough, the act of not hitting yourself in the testicles with a hammer seems like a reward.
Bible Story:
Gather ‘round boys and girls. Today we’re going to open our Bibles to Exodus and read about Moses’ wife, Zipporah.
Now Zipporah was a very important person in the bible. She was so important that we know her name, even though she was a woman.
She grew up in a desert with her six sisters and spent all day doing whatever her father told her to do or getting beaten because that’s what women do in the bible. One day her and her sisters took their sheep to a well so that they could drink, but a bunch of mean men told them to go away so that they could water their sheep first.
Zipporah was sad and angry, but there was nothing she could do because she didn’t have a penis. But luckily, there was somebody around who did: Moses.
Moses was sitting by the well wondering if the corpse of the man he’d recently murdered was starting to stink yet when the bad shepherds shooed Zipporah and her sisters away. Moses decided to step in and help Zipporah water her sheep.
“How can I ever repay you?” she asked.
“A hand job?” Moses suggested.
So she invited him back to her tent so she could tug on his cock for a while, but when they got there her dad was home so she married him instead.
(Hooray!)
Moses loved Zipporah so much that he didn’t marry any other women even though he could have because that was okay back then. He took a job tending her father’s flocks, but one day he came home and told her that God had spoken to him and ordered him to free all the Jews in Egypt.
His eyes were red and he wreaked of burning bush, but Zipporah was a woman so she had no choice but to do what her husband said. So she grabbed their newborn son and left for decades of aimless wandering and random smitings.
But one night, on the way to Egypt, god decided to come to earth in human form and wrestle Moses to death at an inn. God was winning because he was god, so Zipporah decided she would have to help her husband out. But she couldn’t out-wrestle god, so what could she do?
Luckily, there was a baby weiner nearby, so she chopped a little piece of it off and touched it to Moses’ foot so that he could wrestle better. Then Moses suplexed god and everyone lived happily ever after. The end.
Outro:
Before we call it quits for the night, I have a very important apology to make to one of the most adept, admirable, altruistic, adroit, awesome, amazing, accommodating, astonishing, astounding, awe-inspiring anthropoids in the animal kingdom, April. April, I am so sorry that I neglected to thank you last week for your generous donation. Because of the extreme level of your magnificence, I had originally thanked you separately from the rest of last week’s best people, and then in a hasty, late night edit I cut it out without realizing it.
And to those of you who aren’t April, I should note that April told me she and her husband were competing to see who could get more mentions on the podcast through their extraordinary generosity and because of my mistake, April spent a week unjustly occupying the lower portion of the leaderboard in that noble competition. So to make up for that, I’d like to point out to April’s husband that I’ve now mentioned her 6 times in the last 33 seconds.
And in keeping with the “A” themed opening to this outro, I’d also like to thank two more prime examples of human DNA in action whose names also begin with A. Andrew, whose transcontinental philanthropy serves as a shining example of godless morality and another person who would rather remain anonymous but is also a biological exemplification of wit, wisdom and selfless magnanimity.
And while we’re on the topic of apologies to people whose names start with A, I’d also like to apologize to Ann who sent us a very eloquent and well-reasoned email a few weeks ago that deserves an on-air answer. And unfortunately I don’t have time to give it the response it deserves so for the time being I’ll simply say sorry about not making more pimp jokes. We’ll work on that.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you tonight, but if you want more, there’s more. Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance invited me on to chat with them and while it’s not available yet because it hasn’t actually even happened yet, I have reason to believe that you’ll find our conversation on episode 109 of their program, which I have reason to believe will be out on Monday.
And if you can’t make it until Monday, you can find occasional nuggets of Scatheism on our erratically published blog, our Twitter feed @Noah (underscore) Lugeons or our Facebook page at (slash) Scathing Atheist. And people who leave us 5 star reviews on iTunes are better than people that don’t. I also have it on good authority that the Flying Spaghetti Monster will give them mansions closer to the beer volcanos in the afterlife so Pascal’s Wager guys, might as well leave us a 5 star review.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
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