Don’t Try This at Home
by Noah Lugeons
I didn’t think we needed the disclaimer at the beginning of the Holy Babble segment. I thought our commentary would leave little question that the bible is a horrible, tedious, frustrating, dull, insipid book and that nobody should ever voluntarily subject themselves to it. But apparently we didn’t make it quite clear enough.
A friend of mine and recent convert to the show told me the other day that we’d convinced him to buy a bible and give it a try.
I was flabbergasted by the statement. I don’t know what we said that would have “convinced” him, as I tried to make it clear that we were living in a constant state of regretting this commitment. I told him that despite all the laughs and good times we might seem to be having during the segment is an act.
But he was determined. He didn’t know there was a talking donkey in the bible until he heard our Numbers segment and he wanted to know what other Disney characters were going to show up. He pointed to the diatribe I did about how few Christians actually read the bible and while he isn’t a religious person himself, he was raised Catholic and had somehow missed the whole bible thing during his upbringing.
And while I applaud him in this effort, I certainly don’t recommend it. There are so many better ways one could spend their time, so many books far more worth a read, so many pursuits that would leave a person less inspired to beat their head against a solid object. So let me try to make this clear: We’re reading the bible so you don’t have to. If you want to read along at home, that’s fine, but I recommend a helmet for the sake of safety.
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The Scathing Atheist 
Reading the bible’s like reading Tolkien, you breeze over the redundant, boring parts. Tolkien’s was the poetry, The bible was all those begat’s, and prohibitions, and kill to the last man/woman/child genocides. I mean it was like every other page god wants a people obliterated. Anyway, not coming from a particularly religious background, and very curious to see what all my friends were on about, I read the bible (ok, just the old testament). I’m here to tell you, I’ve yet to meet a christian secure in his (or her) faith that has ever even glanced at the bible, much less given it real skeptical scrutiny. What do they say about the bible being the best book for people questioning their faith to read? I guess I’ll have to start reading the new testament now.
I should clarify that I don’t make a habit of hanging out with hardcore fundamentalist Christians. I’m sure they know their bible religiously. I would befriend them, but my bullshit tolerance is low and I really couldn’t give a fuck less to get wrapped all up in Crazy.
I do think it’s important (ok…not really *important*. Maybe ‘advisable’ if you are one to frequently challenge/debate the religious) to be familiar with the bible.
You can argue reason and facts all day long, but that obviously isn’t the language they speak. To get a point across (or to even be heard) I think it’s important to know their language. I think that many of the countless Christians who haven’t read the bible honestly believe they have. They’ve heard the stories and sermons so often that they think they know what the whole book says.
So, I think there is a certain benefit in having the ability to meet them halfway – smack in the middle of crazy town – and use their own weapon against them. Not that everyone should, or would even want to. But if you’re *that* person (and you’ll know if you are), being familiar with what the good book says may be your only way to slip information through the cracks of ignorance.