Don’t Try This at Home
by Noah Lugeons
I didn’t think we needed the disclaimer at the beginning of the Holy Babble segment. I thought our commentary would leave little question that the bible is a horrible, tedious, frustrating, dull, insipid book and that nobody should ever voluntarily subject themselves to it. But apparently we didn’t make it quite clear enough.
A friend of mine and recent convert to the show told me the other day that we’d convinced him to buy a bible and give it a try.
I was flabbergasted by the statement. I don’t know what we said that would have “convinced” him, as I tried to make it clear that we were living in a constant state of regretting this commitment. I told him that despite all the laughs and good times we might seem to be having during the segment is an act.
But he was determined. He didn’t know there was a talking donkey in the bible until he heard our Numbers segment and he wanted to know what other Disney characters were going to show up. He pointed to the diatribe I did about how few Christians actually read the bible and while he isn’t a religious person himself, he was raised Catholic and had somehow missed the whole bible thing during his upbringing.
And while I applaud him in this effort, I certainly don’t recommend it. There are so many better ways one could spend their time, so many books far more worth a read, so many pursuits that would leave a person less inspired to beat their head against a solid object. So let me try to make this clear: We’re reading the bible so you don’t have to. If you want to read along at home, that’s fine, but I recommend a helmet for the sake of safety.