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Episode 43 – Partial Transcript
Oh, were you stopping by for the Stitcher Award Nomination Link? CLICK HERE… (and thanks)
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda&Noah Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains elements that were edited from the episode due to time constraints)
Warning: This podcast contains adult language including two shits, a fuck, a piss, another fuck, dick, jizz, another fuck, motherfucker, bitch, two more shits, cunt, cock, fucktard, fuck-nozzle, several assholes, more fucks…
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of pre-apocalyptic rapture supply outlets; Genesis 7-11. Because now that they’re letting the queers get married, you know god’s judgment can’t be far off. Mention this ad and get a free set of swimmies with any purchase over twenty dollars.
Genesis 7-11: Thank you Jesus, come again.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday
It’s December 12th
And my ass is less of a J-Lo, and more of a Cee Lo
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from coniferous New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
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We’ll learn that it’s hard to roll R’s with a dick in your mouth.
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We’ll find out that everyone has an equal right to discriminate against gays.
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And the perfect, plump roundness of Rush Limbaugh’s face is related to pi.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe:
If Tennessee is the buckle of the bible belt, South Georgia is the taint. Which works out well because clearly the Florida panhandle is the scrotum. So unless you consider the Mississippi delta to be the asshole, in which case coastal Alabama is the taint, South Georgia is the de facto Bible taint.
And boy what a taint it is. I should know. I spent a big chunk of my childhood there. I spent six formative years of my life living in a place where the two accepted religious affiliations were Baptist and Devil-Worshipper. Where you had to drive to a theater two towns away to see blasphemous films like, I shit you not, Wayne’s World. Where church groups organized dozens of people to protest a comic book shop because they were promoting, I continue to shit you not, Dungeons and Dragons.
My first job was washing dishes at a local pizzeria where I was dismissed as “the guy who thinks we came from monkeys”. The principle at my high school led the students in prayer during the morning announcements and before each football game. My 10th grade English teacher once spent an entire hour telling us about the dangers of Satanism and my 9th grade science teacher once told the class that gays were an abomination against god and should be dragged into the street and shot.
Religion was everywhere. It was in the school, it was at the mall, it was protesting in front of the movie theater, it was showing up uninvited at my house, it was scolding me from every church sign, it was staring at me from the bumper of every pickup, it was blessing me from every cash register, it was blockading my girlfriend’s vagina. It was inescapable, in charge and insane.
And the stories they believed weren’t just crazy, they were fucking silly. I couldn’t comprehend how anyone took them seriously. I remember walking past church services and wondering if it was all an elaborate hoax that everyone was in on but me. It felt like I was the only sane person on the planet.
I wanted to grab people as they came out of church and say, “can’t we at least agree that this is exactly what religion would look like if it was just made up out of whole cloth to oppress people? Can’t we at least agree that if a ten year old was lying about his invisible pet alien he would use the exact same debate tactics that you guys use? Can’t we at least agree that taking this book about dragons and talking donkeys and resurrected Jews seriously without asking for a shred of tangible evidence is functionally indistinguishable from clinical nincompoopery?”
I couldn’t understand it. Many of these people were reasonable and far more intelligent than me when we weren’t talking about resurrected Jewish messiahs, but as soon as that subject came up an otherwise rational human being would start spouting proofs that they’d never accept in any non-religious circumstance. All of a sudden basic moral precepts like “burning people for eternity is wrong” and “babies aren’t evil sinners” fly out the fucking window.
And for years I just wrote those folks off as stupid. And it’s damned tempting. It’s damn tempting to laugh off the Chicken Little campaigns against Harry Potter books and World of Warcraft and say that they’re the products of misguided, uniformed, paranoid minds. But if you leave it there, you’re underestimating them and you’re underestimating the consequences of growing up in a town that was willing to rise up as one to keep the scourge of Wayne’s World from the local youth.
Religion can only survive on ignorance. Information is the achilles heel of faith and unless they control everything a person watches or plays or reads or learns, nobody’s ever gonna buy into their bullshit. They won’t be able to shut the critical parts of their brain down in those critical moments. They have to fight against everything because it takes a lot of work to make people continue to believe in demonic snakes and octa-centurion ark builders.
But there was no internet back then. There was no way to fact-check them when they controlled the bookstores and the library and the schools. A kid could feel like he or she was the only person in the world with a fully functional brain. There was no internet and there were no forums or wikis or podcasts or blogs.
And maybe when you strip away all the post-hoc justifications, that’s the real reason I do this show. Just to know that when religion dies, I’ll have been a small contributor to the murder weapon.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is fellow brain in a jar Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to dismiss hard solipsism due to it’s lack of functional consequence?
Dismiss what?
Well there you go then.
In our lead story tonight, Al Azhar – a prestigious Islamic university in Cairo – released a study last month examining the fatwas issued by Islamic theocrats in Egypt during the one-year reign of Mohamed Morsi that ended in July of this year. And if you’re anything like me, and you worry about your 10-year-old wife’s tiny vagina being torn to shreds by something other than your adult male penis, the rules all make perfect sense.
So we’re just shredding 10 year old vaginas right up front, huh? Just gonna show up for the blind date with dick in hand. No, that’s fine…
For example, common sense stuff like: “Avoid creating a comfortable rape environment by turning off the air conditioner when you expect your heat-sensitive rapist neighbor might stop by.”
And as much as I wish you made that up, no, that’s a real fatwa. Better your wife spend her days in an un-air-conditioned house in a country with an average high temperature over 90 degrees.
There was another decree that prohibited women from handling bananas, cucumbers, and other phallic flora … that they might shove inside themselves in rabid seizures of uncontrollable female desire. Lesbians were also banned from buying almonds, curtains, and modern art … and from existing in the country.
There was also a fatwa against having sex naked, though, so you never have to know exactly which gender you’re fucking.
My favorite fatwa was issued in response to a clever group of Muslim adulteresses, who were cheating on their husbands with salt water. Turns out the word for “ocean” is a masculine noun, and if the wrong arbitrary linguistic gender assignment touches your wife’s vagina, it’s adultery. But for some reason, it’s perfectly normal for men to swim in a sea of dicks.
Just don’t swallow. It’s salty as fuck.
The Muslim Brotherhood showcased a surprisingly good string of puns when they released the following headline in conjunction with the Adultery Swim Fatwa . . . (quote) “Buoys on the Tide: Sticky situation in the Perversion Gulf as married women swim in gland shark infested waters seeking salt water staffy and motion in the brocean.” (end quote)
I’m adding the Adultery Swim channel’s existence to Jet Pack and the Darth Vader butt plug in case Santa is listening.
But here’s the problem . . . The Arabic word for “nothing” is also masculine, which means she’s gotta put something in there, but only about half the things are eligible, so it gets tricky. Book, but not page. Finger, but not knuckle. Shaft, but not tip. And again, no veggies, so what’s a girl to do?!?
Fatwa: Women who swim in the ocean are committing adultery: http://www.richarddawkins.net/news_articles/2013/12/1/-fatwa-women-who-swim-in-the-sea-commit-adultery-should-be-punished <<also>> http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/fatwa-al-azhar-university-cairo-women-swimming-in-sea-adultresses/1/326883.html
And in “Satan debatin’” news tonight; devil’s advocate, posthumous lesbianator and head of the New York based Satanic Temple Lucien Greaves has made it back into the news this week by filing a request to place a Satanic monument on the steps of the Oklahoma Statehouse… right next to the one with the ten commandments on it. Greaves argues that if that space is reserved for religious displays, his religion has as much right to it as any other and unfortunately for Oklahoma theocrats, the stupid laws they recently enacted accidentally agree with him.
This is the great playground moment. That asshole kid makes up a shitty new rule about the endzone boundary, and the very next play he’s past the hydrant, so it’s out of bounds.
When asked about the possibility of a Satanic monument, representative Bobby Cleveland dismissed the idea and the Satanists behind it as falling under (quote) “the nut category”. And not because believing in a giant red monster with a pitchfork that tempts humanity and runs the HR department in Hades is nutty.
So the notion that Lex Luthor exists is ridiculous … but Superman’s obviously real!!!
The Temple says they’re considering a number of designs none of which, unfortunately, involve Jesus and sodomy. And I’d put 30 seconds on the clock here for Jesus Butt-Rape porn titles, but something tells me we’re gonna need that 30 seconds later.
But if anybody wants to chime in with a few, it’s been way too long since (hashtag) Butt Raping Jesus was trending on Twitter . . . I’ll get things rolling . . . Ass-Holy Communion: Receiving the Body of Christ . . .
Satanist seek to put up monument in Oklahoma courthouse: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/12/08/satanists-seek-spot-next-to-ten-commandments-monument-on-steps-oklahoma/
And from the “Popes Parting Velvet Ropes” file, Catholicism’s Rico Chart-Topper told Italian churchgoers that he gained valuable experience as a bouncer at a nightclub in Argentina, where it was also very important to correctly identify the age of a minor, no matter what kind of tip they offered. His only regret was jumping right into the priesthood, before he got more experience working the rear entrance.
I wonder how the Union of Argentinian Bouncers is taking this news. On the one hand they might be thinking of using it in their advertising; you know, bounce today, pontificate tomorrow; but on the other hand it’s gotta knock your badass image down three or four spots when people know your job could be done by the elderly hybridization of Woody Allen and Droopy Dog.
To bolster his reputation as the “people’s” supreme pontiff, Pope Frangioplasty made sure to mention that before he was even known as Reverend Whore-Gay Beer Goggles, he was just a normal blue-collar guy, checking fugitive Nazi ID’s, sweeping floors, and figuring out how to become humanity’s conduit to the implied omnipotent watch-maker of the universe.
Pope admits he used to work as a bouncer: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/03/pope-i-was-once-a-bar-bouncer/
And in the “Who Would Jesus Shitcan?” file tonight, we have the story of Michael Griffin, a former teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, who was a current teacher at the Holy Ghost Preparatory school in Bensalem, Pennsylvania until administrators recently found evidence that he was trying to marry a dude.
It’s weird that they find the ‘attempt to marry’ more offensive than the pre-marital butt sex.
And because US law somehow protects the rights of Catholic institutions to write in “no sucking off dudes” clauses into employment contracts, this bullshit is legal. When asked how being gay-married could possibly affect the performance of Spanish and French teacher, an imaginary representative of the school explained that (quote) “being a homosexual probably helps you with French but he has to teach Spanish, too.”
Gay Catholic School teacher fired for applying for marriage lisence: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/dec/08/us-catholic-school-fires-gay-teacher-marriage
And in “Rush versus The Holy Triumverate” news, Rush Limbaugh is furious at Pope Franno Domini for endangering the Republican Party’s delicate Christianity hijack mission, by reminding Catholics that Jesus – as well as Kindergarten – both teach that “sharing is nice”. Limbaugh believes the Pope is just bitter over losing to him in a “Jowl Roundness Contest”.
I’m dying to know how that thing was judged: I’m picturing them both holding one of those little Japanese drums from Karate Kid Two under their chins, flopping their heads back and forth. Next up, in the acorn hoarding round…
The Octo-Chinned Conservative Casey Kasem – who labeled the Pope’s sharing remarks as (quote) “pure Marxism” – became an expert economist while failing to graduate from Southeast Missouri State. In fairness, for all we know he could have breezed through at his safety school, which was West Northwest Southeast Missouri A&M.
Go Paddlefish!
Limbaugh released a segment called, “It’s Sad How Wrong Pope Francis Is [parentheses] (Unless It’s a Deliberate Mistranslation By Leftists)” . . . So built into his title – in parentheses! … as if almost tacitly understood! – is the claim that liberal spies have likely infiltrated the English translation department at the Vatican, for the purposes of sneaking references to “Das Kapital” into the Pope’s translated speeches, thus undermining American capitalism.
He’s not the best in the business for nothin’. Glenn Beck would have needed 10 minutes and a chalkboard to connect all that shit and Rush does it 14 words and some brackets.
In honor of shitty Christian commentators, as well as yellow and brown journalists everywhere, let’s put 30 seconds on the clock . . . Christian Assholes as Shit Porn Stars – GO!!!
And I’m adding the 30 seconds I didn’t use earlier because that’s fucking awesome. So now go.
I’ll start it out with a topical Flush Limbaugh … just as a courtesy.
Bowel O’Steen? Wait… that sounded better before I said it… um… Joel O’Stain?
Maybe Bowl Osteen? . . . No- Bowel Sharpton.
Or Bowely Graham, maybe?
Speaking of stretching the bowels: Bran Coulter?
Brick Perry
Dick Santorum’s too easy . . . Wolf Shitzer?
Cardinal Timothy Colon
Deuce Almighty
Fanny Crosby? That’s only funny if you’re a fan of late 17th century hymns, I guess. How about Pope Fran-Cesspool?
L Ron Buggered
No fair using Scientologists. My first thought was Shit Romney, but I didn’t use him, because Mormonism is a cult.
Anal Roberts
T.P. Jakes!
Scat Robertson
Rush v. the Holy Triumverate: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/12/02/rush-limbaugh-vs-the-pope/
Well, I hate to pinch off the poop puns early, but we’re outta time. Heath, thanks for hanging out.
And when we return, Lucinda will join us to ruin her chances at a future political career.
One Kings in Rhyme
I suppose that if I was a deity, who fashioned the earth and the seas,
Then covered all up in creatures and made some subordinate mes,
And I had a message I wanted to send them, something that I thought was vital,
I’d probably write them a list of instructions, or at least divinely inspire a bible.
It would be hard to decide what to tell them, though, since the book could be only so long,
I’d want them to know there was purpose, and to know the right path from the wrong.
And I’d stress over what I’d include there, and I’d stress over what to omit,
After all there’s a lot more to say than the space of one single book would permit.
See, I’d want to impart on them knowledge, and show them the value of peace,
And I’d probably want to include something in it, about the nature of germs and disease.
Should I remind them not to rape women? Or not to make people work without pay?
Should I tell them they can’t beat their children? Or beat off more than four times a day?
Should I explain that the sun’s in the center? Or the value of washing with soap?
Should I explain in unmistakable terms that there’s always a reason to hope?
Well, according to god the most wise course of action, is to leave out all of those things,
And make sure there’s plenty of space that’s left over, for a long list of Israel’s kings.
But I guess that’s why I don’t write bibles, and am just some anonymous tit,
And he’s the all-knowing creator of all, and the alpha, omega and shit.
If you read my book you’d know to be thoughtful, and to let people love who they choose,
But I’d fuck up and leave out important details, like who led the sixth century BCE jews.
I’d have skipped all the stuff about Solomon, and the temple he built for the Lord,
And instead I’ve had told them how telescopes work and what wonders they might point them toward.
I’d have droned on and on about hygiene, wasted time on nutritional facts,
And forgotten to mention who was leading the Jews when the Philistine army attacks.
I’d have pissed away pages on problems they would face as their populace grows,
And I’d have probably put is some stuff I can’t fathom that only a deity knows.
I’d have wasted a couple of chapters on the equality of genders and races,
And I’d have forgotten to smite them and punish their children for pillar and poles in high places.
I suppose that if I were to write it, you’d have questions at the end of the tome.
Like, “How long did it take for the third king of Israel to finish building his solid gold home?”
So I’ll submit that as I’m just a mortal, I can’t fathom a deity’s ways,
But from my perspective it’s fair to conclude that he sure writes in mysterious phrase.
Babble (One Kings)
One Kings; because god knows that you can never get enough mythologized Jewish history. This book babbles endlessly about a series of Israel’s kings as though it’s daring you to keep reading.
And I think the singular is pronounced “king”.
So joining Heath and me to celebrate being one sixth of the way through this book is my beautiful wife Lucinda, Lucinda, welcome back.
Always happy to be here.
The books are pretty linear at this point, so no need to set anything up; this basically starts right where Two Samuel ends.
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Now King David is old and sick and we have to decide who gets to be the next king.
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But before we get to all that, we have to tell you about the king’s new hooker, who he wasn’t fucking.
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No, she was just keeping him warm.
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“She wasn’t jerking me off! She was trying to start a fire with my cock.”
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Yeah, King David was cold so his doctor prescribed a new virgin. And also Solomon became king and his bro Adonijah was more than a little pissed about it.”
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The talent pool in the desert must have been running dry, considering the most attractive woman in the land is named “Abishag the Shunammite” . . . Sounds more like an orc general from Lord of the Rings.
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Then we get this touching bit where David takes Solomon aside and offers his final words. And it’s basically a list of people he wants Solomon to kill.
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Including Shimei, the dude that David promised not to kill in the previous chapter. He says, “All I said was I wouldn’t kill him. I never said anything about you, or other hired assassins. That wasn’t in the contract.”
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And then Adonijah says, “Hey bro, since you got the whole kingdom and everything, you think I could have dad’s new hooker?” Solomon says “no” and then kills him for asking.
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And then Solomon proves he’s wise by threatening to cut a baby in half.
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This is actually a pretty fucked up story. Two women are accusing each other of killing their baby and swapping him out for a living one, which is fucked up enough before David starts threatening to split the baby down the middle.
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So naturally the real mom says, “No, don’t chop the baby in half you fucking psycho!” but the other lady says, “Yeah, that makes sense. I’ll take half a baby. It’s enough for a stew.”
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And this is Solomon’s tagline moment . . . His “Yippie Ki-Yay Mother Truckers!” His defining biblical event is an episode of Judge Judah, when he settles a maternity dispute between a murderous whore and a regular whore. Also, since when are single mother whores trying to keep their babies?!? I guess the name Johnson had to start somewhere.
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And then chapter 4 is basically a list of Solomon’s cabinet, a list of what he eats and a list of people he was smarter than.
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They make very sure to mention that he spake 3000 proverbs, and wrote one thousand … five … songs … Which is clearly bullshit. Those are the most obviously “made-up numbers” I’ve ever heard. There’s no way he hits EXACTLY 3000 proverbs and EXACTLY 1000 songs, but can’t resist writing 5 extra jingles.
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And then Solomon gets the wheels turning on his new temple. And let me tell ya it’s gonna be one bitchin’ ass temple.
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And in case you were wondering, say, how many cubits wide the nave was or how many sides the door posts have, it’s all spelled out in chapter six.
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Yeah, and god has the same interior design sense as Jay-Z apparently.
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HaShemTV Cribs . . . Sons of Joshua Cribs
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And then we get all the important details about Solomon’s palace, including the latticework, the dishes, candle snuffers and spittoons. Really important shit going on here.
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“I know I’m just a slave laborer helping you build a palace, but do you guys think it’s the best idea to put all the gold, and the god box, all in one place?!? I think we’re overdoing it a little. I’m literally carrying a single basket of golden eggs.”
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And then he has a house party…
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And for all his help building the temple and shit, Solomon gives Hiram 20 cities, but apparently they were his 20 crappiest cities.
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This book of the bible is like a first date with a rich douche. Every few sentences we’re hearing about Solomon’s throne or his golden vessels or his fleets or his platinum butt plug.
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I think we call this a … ‘teachable moment’ … Jews should only put the rarest of metals in their palace, and in their ass. “But hold on – Stop making golden calves. You guys always go straight to that!”
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And in chapter 10 I’m pretty sure it brags about him fucking the Queen of Sheba, too.
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I believe it said he gave her everything she desired, and a taste of the royal bounty on top. So I’m pretty sure they fucked, and it sounds like they even got a milk and honey shot in there.
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And in case you were wondering what kind of mileage he’s getting with that dick of his, Chapter 11 actually starts with the words, “Solomon loved many foreign women” and went on to describe his harem of more than a thousand wives..
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This guy spread more STDs to minorities than the Tuskeegee Experiments.
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And if I’ve learned anything from this book, when vaginas show up, trouble can’t be far behind. So, of course, his wives talk him into turning against god and offering burnt offerings to other gods so real god concoct this convoluted, multi-generational revenge plot.
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So Solomon dies and his son Rehoboam takes over. The people come to their new king saying, “Hey, it would be awesome if you stopped whipping us.” And Rehoboam endeared himself to the people by saying, “You don’t like the whips? No more whips. We’ll use scorpions instead.”
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And then the kingdom was divided because god likes to go over his shoulder to scratch his ass.
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And they open 2 Mooby Burgers.
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So you’ve got Jeroboam who god gives a chunk of the kingdom to and he’s an asshole, too. He starts making non-Levite priests so god sends a prophet to tell Jeroboam that the shit’s about to hit the fan.
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And then god kills the prophet with a fucking lion for eating food and drinking water.
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Falls for the oldest trick in the book. Some guy walks up to him: “Are you a prophet from God? Get the fuck out of here – me too!!! Let’s go eat. Oh you have a note from God that says don’t eat. This is so crazy. I have a note. Also from God. Says that you should disregard your note and go eat with me, after which you will definitely NOT be mauled by a tiger.”
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So basically you’ve got Jeroboam running Israel into the ground and at the same time you’ve got Rehoboam fucking things up in Judah.
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Yeah, apparently they were making high places, pillars and sacred poles. And if that’s not bad enough (and it is), their temple prostitutes were the wrong gender.
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Bunch of savages in this town.
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Man-whores just aren’t cost effective . . . from an orifice perspective. Less bang for your buck . . . despite more “schmekel per shekel”.
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And is it just me or is this book pissed off at you for reading it? It keeps saying stuff like “And are not the acts of Abijam, are they not written in the Annals of the Kings of Judah?”
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Are you telling me the Gideons expect me to just guess what else happened to Abijam?!? I’m sitting here in my hotel room like an idiot … trying to get the whole story on this Judaism stuff.
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And during this unending war between Israel and Judah the Israelis get some practice walling off territories and that’ll come in handy later.
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And then we just start churning through one king after the other. King so and so reigned for so many years and did evil by the lord greater than all the kings before him and then he died, ad infinitum
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And then we finally meet Elijah, who god is pawning around during a drought. And he’s pretty badass. He has birds that feed him and magic jars of food and he even brings kids back from the dead by rubbing his genitals against them.
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Right … three dick rubs resurrects a dead baby. They don’t mention this, but if you do it right, that will also get you to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. I learned that the hard way.
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So Elijah shows up all Charles Bronsony and decides to prove that god is god by challenging the prophets of Baal to a divine Ox-burning contest, in which he kicks ass.
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And then to emphasize how total his victory is, he kills all the prophets of Baal.
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Then Elijah flees like a pansy and god commands him to anoint a few new kings.
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And in a lost “who’s on first base” opportunity, Elijah meets Elisha
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Then there’s some boring war shit and one king attacks another king… fuck, I don’t even know anymore. All I know is somebody didn’t kill the person god told him to kill so god gets all pissy.
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And we learn this from a bizarre story involving a masochistic prophet and a divine lion attack.
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Then Ahab wants Naboth’s vineyard, but he won’t sell it. So Ahab’s wife arranges to have him stoned to death.
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God hears about this and gets pissed so he sends Elijah to tell Ahab he’s fucked and dogs are gonna eat his wife.
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But Ahab fasts and wears a sack around so god says, “shucks, I guess I don’t have to kill you and have dogs eat your wife. I suppose we can save that punishment for your kids.”
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And then it ends with this long, pointless story about Jehoshaphat and the King of Israel want to go to war with Ramoth-Gilead and all but one of the prophets say they’ll win, but one prophet says the other prophets are full of shit… and they were.
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And the king gets killed in battle and, just as god had decreed, dogs lapped up his blood and, and in an understated twist, prostitutes bathed in it.
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Yeah I’m confused by all the whore talk. Why would there be prostitutes … when they had slaves? Slave is the world’s oldest profession. That’s like buying CDs on Napster.
So I suppose the real mystery of One Kings is how the fuck they managed to finance the sequel. We’ll find that out in three weeks and in the meantime, we’ll be washing our brains out with soap. Heath, Lucinda, thanks for sticking with it.
Outro
Before we ring the final bell tonight, I wanted to make a quick correction. We covered a story last week about public prayer booths in Kansas City and it was almost completely bullshit. Sorry about that. Another fail in our story-vetting process. We’ll try to tighten that up and in the meantime I want to thank all the astute listeners who clued us in on that.
I also wanted to let everyone know that the nomination phase has started for the 2nd annual Stitcher Awards. Heath, Lucinda and I really, really, really want to win one and we need your help. You can nominate us up to once per day in as many categories as you think are appropriate. So if you have a few minutes and you’re feeling generous this holiday season, please head over to Stitcher (dot) promoTW (dot) com and nominate the shit out of us. Daily. I’m not too proud to beg. You’ll also find links to the nomination page on our blog, our Twitter feed and our Facebook page because, like I said, I’m not too proud to beg.
That’s all the blasphemy we have for you this week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with a visit from the Friendly Atheist himself, Hemant Mehta so get excited about that. But if you can’t wait that long, be sure to check out episode 33 of The Herd Mentality Podcast with Adam Reakes, where you can hear my impression of Joel O’Steen orgasming to death on an 8 horsepower, turbocharged, solid gold butt plug.
http://herdmentalitypodcast.com/
I need to thank Heath for keeping it real, Lucinda for putting up with the two of us, I want to thank everyone who did some Holiday shopping on our Cafe Press site and, of course, a huge thanks to Evan Bernstein from the Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. He’s one fifth of my all-time favorite podcast, really cool of him to do it and of course, you’ll find a link to his show on this week’s shownotes, right next to the link to nominate us for a Stitcher Award.
http://www.theskepticsguide.org/
But most of all I need to thank this week’s most valuable humans, Wayne, Debbie and Vinnie; Wayne, whose ejaculations have seismological designations; and Debbie and Vinnie, whose altruism and advice deserves less of a one liner and more of a very genuine thanks on behalf of both my wife and myself for reminding us that generally speaking, humans are awesome.
And since I already hit you up for a Stitcher nomination half a dozen times, I’m not gonna bother reminding you that if you’d like to support the show financially you’ll find the donation button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact information on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 41: Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Link to Episode
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language, but if you can handle the blasphemy and the profanity, you’re in for a Jesus-raping good time.
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Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new brand of Catholicism in a can, Vaticampbell’s Soup; the perfect post traumatic meal for altar boys. High in vitamins, protein and spermicides, it’s the perfect treat for being good and not telling mommy what happened.
Vaticampbell’s Soup: Get some from your priest in the can.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’sThanksgiving,
And 392 years ago, not today, the Christians tricked the Native Americans with a big meal right before the genocide.
I’m Noah Lugeons
I’m Heath Enwright
And from helium depleting New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode,
-
A Methodist reverend is flagged for allowing head to head contact on a defenseless tight end receiver.
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We’ll explore the nuances of Texas dildo regulations,
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And Israel levies a foreskin tax of 51,100 dollars a year.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
Ah, Thanksgiving, the Americanist of all holidays. It’s gluttonous, wasteful, self-indulgent and better than the Canadian version. We celebrate by taking in an inexcusable number of calories and then watching other people burning calories off on television… violently. We throw away more food per capita than some populations eat on the average day, we gloss over our genocidal national origin with a bunch of feel-good pseudo-history and we mark the start of a four week blitzkrieg of rampant consumerism and that’s all pretty damned American; but the most American thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s secular.
There’s no awkward bullshit religious ceremonies your in-laws are trying to talk you into attending. There’s no break in the middle of the Cowboy’s game where Linus takes center stage and tells us about the birth of Mithra. There’s no team of evangelicals plaguing the media for weeks beforehand telling us that Jesus is the justification for the mastication. We just get together and eat innocent turkeys. And innocent gravy. We come together with our friends and family regardless of which invisible superhero clears out parking spaces for them. And but for a perfunctory saying of grace and grandma rathering you not refer to them as “deviled” eggs, religion doesn’t enter into it at all. And damn it, I don’t care what they say on Fox News, that’s as American as it gets.
Most of the secular holidays we celebrate in this country are tainted by a bunch of rah-rah patriotism and I’m not usually one for the “Don’t tread on me; screw the immigrants and the indigenous, America ‘fuck yeah’” flag waver, but when this country was founded it was almost certainly the most secular nation in the history of humanity and that’s a lineage I’m proud to claim.
Of course there are plenty of evangelicals out there desperately trying to literally rewrite the history books to whitewash the secularism out of our national character, but considering how plainly codified it is in the Constitution, they’ll have to rewrite a hell of a lot more than Texas textbook guidelines to get rid of it. And make no mistake, there’s a huge contingent of politically motivated Christians hell-bent on doing exactly that.
And why wouldn’t they be? Religion would be doing way better if it was legally mandated. Hell, when you consider the categorical superiority of the secular alternative to everything religion does or ever did, it’s fair to say that a legal mandate is the only hope religion has to survive. When I hear the Michele Bachmann crowd screaming “Jesus for Emperor in 2016” I don’t write it off as crazy. I look at it as their last chance.
I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never met an atheist who thinks religion should be outlawed. I’m sure there are a few of them bumbling around somewhere, but every atheist I’ve ever met and every respected voice in the atheist movement is just calling for a fair marketplace of ideas. We’re just asking that religion be evaluated by the same means as everything else and be given no special privilege on the simple merit of being a religion. It’s the kind of thing you can afford to espouse when you’re on the side with all the evidence.
In the time I’ve been doing this podcast a lot of people have asked me, “what’s the point?” Now, in the past I’ve largely dismissed this question. Life is like a JJ Abrams script; there’s doesn’t have to be a point and things don’t have to add up. It’s enough that we’re having fun recording it and other people are having fun listening to it.
But whenever I see the specter of theocracy creeping into the national conversation, I rethink that. I was on a panel the other day with CJ Werleman discussing his new book, “Crucifying America” where he makes the argument that unless atheists can match the political enthusiasm of the Christian right, the forces of theocracy are going to continue chipping away at our secular government and they won’t stop until we can out-zealot Iran.
So this year, when I’m gorging on seared bird flesh and watching the Lions discover a new and creative way to blow a fourth quarter lead, I’ll be thankful that I live in a secular nation. And when the “itis” wears off, I’ll get back to work doing my part to keep it that way.
Because America, fuck yeah.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is religious marketing expert Heath Enwright. Heath, any advertising advice for Christianity?
Might be time for a new logo. Yeah I feel like the torture diorama could be a little more relatable … Maybe a different murder victim, on a different shape. Instead of Jesus on a cross, what about chalk-outline-guy on a circle?
Or at the very least they could give the Buddy-Christ a day in court.
Speaking of days in court . . . In our lead story tonight, a federal judge in Wisconsin found it ridiculous that she was needed to decide that people with income, have to pay income tax, even if they’re employed by a fictional character. US District Judge Barbara Crabb struck down a 1954 law that allowed ministers a tax-exemption designed to compensate for their unique financial burden called “housing costs”.
You know, it’s tempting to celebrate here, but the real victims here are the children. Because, as I understand it, most priests can barely afford to lubricate their victims now.
Indeed, tear-free ass lube for kids is another unique financial burden for clergy. So the lawsuit was filed by the Freedom From Religion Foundation against the Treasury Department and the IRS, for letting clergy steal an estimated 700 million dollars a year from public coffers, on this exemption alone. And just to spite the Tea Party, Obama plans to divide these extra funds among communist lesbian single mothers to pay for their 20 imaginary children, and buy crack.
Oh c’mon, that’s ridiculous. When you consider the Obama-mandated 93% abortion rate, that lesbian communist single mom would have to get pregnant 286 times to have that many kids.
And the crack’s gonna lead to a few miscarriages, so that number’s even higher. And as much as it pains me to do this, let’s segue away from crack babies, over to a statement from Russell Moore, president of Baptists for Tax Evasion, who argued: (quote) [sic] “The clergy housing allowance isn’t a government establishment of religion, but just the reverse. The allowance is neutral to all religions.” [end sic] (end quote) . . . Well as long as the Jews and A-Rabs are allowed to steal too . . . So the opposite of Christians stealing billions of dollars . . . is Christians, Jews, and Muslims stealing billions of dollars?!?
Wisconsin judge strikes down parsonage exemption: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/11/23/federal-judge-in-wisconsin-strikes-law-that-gives-clergy-tax-free-housing/ and http://www.religionnews.com/2013/11/24/a-federal-judges-significant-decision-clergy-tax-free-housing-is-not-constitutional/
And in the disturbingly thin “Too Stupid for Texas” file tonight, the Texas Board of Education has rejected the most recent attempt to force intelligent design theory into school textbooks despite the pro-creationism side’s outdated and off-topic endorsement from Jesus.
And just to review the level of competition in this category, “too stupid for Texas”, means dumber than Ted Cruz, Vanilla Ice, George Dubya, and a law that makes it a felony to own six or more dildos.
Is that actually true?
Yep. Pocket pussies would be illegal, too.
So there’s a legal limit on dildos, no limit on live ammunition… brilliant.
Right, plus multi-headed dildos get you right around the rule.
Speaking of multi-headed dildos, the fate of this textbook could still go either way. Nonetheless, religious zealots have all but conceded defeat upon learning that the biology textbook would be reviewed for errors by a panel of biologists. Because the old “there’s no meth in the trunk” line only works if nobody looks in the trunk.
While they’ve got that panel of scientists together, maybe they could skim over those testament books. Thought I remember a typo in Genesis 1, so that’s a good place to start
Facing the unprecedented humiliation of appearing not once or twice but thrice on last week’s headlines segment, the state of Texas seems intent on earning a positive mention on the show for a change. But of course, this only counts as a positive mention because the Texas school board not doing the stupid, unconstitutional, evangelical thing has become newsworthy, so don’t go yee-hawin’ just yet.
Science wins, stupidity loses in Texas Board of Education throwdown: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/texas-board-of-education-holds-up-biology-book-over-evolution-debate/
And from the “British Muslims with sand in their knickers” file, complaints of Islamaphobic persecution have forced universities in the UK to approve gender segregation for debate audiences. Apparently ultra-orthodox religious leaders can’t handle public speaking, unless the penises and vaginas are lined up separately when they picture the audience naked.
So random genital distribution is the kryptonite of ultra-orthodox religious leaders? Good to know.
It’s about time the UK took a page from the sharia rule book, and finally found a way to rein in their problem with university debate audiences devolving into drunken orgies of sex and violence. Deadly riots led by rabid debate hooligans were really getting out of hand . . . And at the root of the issue, were all the women mixed into the crowd.
It’s England. That probably really happens. I bet somebody’s been crushed to death against a fence at an Intelligence Squared debate by now.
According to a report by vice-chancellors’ group ‘Universities UK’, as long as the seating chart meets the equality standards of an Alabama public school from 1950, it’s fair: (quote) “Both men and women are being treated equally, as they are both being segregated in the same way.” I’ll repeat that . . . They are both being segregated . . . in the same way . . . by gender. Apartheid was fine too, because blacks and whites were both being segregated by race.
Okay, this is all making perfect sense, of course, but where do the transexuals sit?
Great question. That … was addressed in the FAQs. Hermaphrodites will be allowed entry, but not double entry like normal. Also, they will have to remove their penis or plug an orifice … which seems unfair because nobody else gets to choose their section. And of course, as usual, eunuchs can’t come.
UK Universities allowed to segregate genders during debates: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/universityeducation/10468115/Universities-can-segregate-men-and-women-for-debates.html
And in hysterical numerical chimerical clerical news tonight, Methodist Reverend Frank Schaefer was suspended for 30 days for the crime of officiating at his son’s wedding, made heinous by the fact that his son was marrying a dude.
Methodist couples everywhere are already feeling a little gayer, and are up in arms about the so-called “Fairy God Father”.
Schaefer was tried before a jury of clergy and found guilty of not sufficiently hating queers, for which he received a suspension that many feel is tantamount to a defrocking. But considering the kind of macabre historical horrors the term “jury of clergy” conjures in my mind, it could be a hell of a lot worse, I suppose.
Yeah this is really just a slap on the limp wrist. Worst case scenario, the Methodists build a bridge out of him.
During his trial, Schaefer continuously emphasized that he felt god calling him to minister openly for gay equality, but the jury dismissed this because apparently even clergy are skeptical of the whole “god” thing.
Pastor suspended 30 days for officiating at his son’s gay wedding: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/lively-testimony-in-penalty-phase-of-trial-for-pastor-who-officiated-at-gay-sons-wedding/2013/11/19/f5402942-5146-11e3-a7f0-b790929232e1_story.html
And in “Riyadh Reach Around” news . . . Just when you thought Saudi Arabia was getting too sexually promiscuous, the federal team of middle school dance chaperones known as The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, has stepped in to cure the torso-contact epidemic that’s been plaguing the country. When concerned citizens reported a local man giving away illegal exotic things called hoogs, or hugs, the buzz kill squad launched a massive investigation.
All part of the “Thugs not Hugs” campaign. Considering the sentencing guidelines in Saudi Arabia this dude is lucky if they don’t amputate his torso.
In a true Rama-Donnie Brasco story (Callback – TSSSSST!!!), an extremely brave undercover agent was able to catch the perp on tape: “So we’re really doing this, Abdulrahman al-KhayyalI who lives at 127 Muslim Boulevard in Riyadh? I give you zero dollars, and you give me an illegal exotic bodily embrace? Ok he’s doing it! Abra-Cadab- no Allah-Kazaam!!! Red team go!!! Red team go!!!”
What a massive waste of public resources. Sure, they’ll nail all the huggers, but while they’re focused on that you have blasphemers and rape-victims roaming free in the streets.
Couple of fun facts about the the Sharia Sheriffs – aka the SS. First of all, they resent being compared to the Nazi secret police, although they do respect the anti-Jew sentiment underlying the tenets of German national socialism.
At least it’s an ethos…
Second fun fact: These are the same guys who famously promoted virtue in 2002, by murdering 15 schoolgirls in a fire. They righteously prevented them from leaving a burning building without anti-rape outerwear, which are required in public places like the outside of a burning building. Crisis averted.
Saudi Man arrested for giving out free hugs: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/saudi-arabia-man-arrested-for-giving-out-free-hugs-8953720.html
And in baby dick litigation news, a rabbinical court has ordered an Israeli mother to pay a fine of one hundred and forty dollars a day until she surgically alters her infant’s penis like a good Jewish mother.
And in penis headline form: Plagued by foreskin envy, “Members of the Tribe” are calling for “just the tip of the Weisberg”. Nobody raises penis veal in Israel without the Jewish Mafia getting a piece of the action.
Fearing that allowing her to not adulterate her son’s naughty bits could set a dangerous precedent that would add fuel to the growing international controversy over the unsanitary perversity of grown men licking bloody baby cock, the court posed the following question in its ruling, “How will the world react if even [in Israel] the issue of circumcision is given to the discretion of any person, according to their own beliefs?”
Yeah Israel would be a laughing stock. What kind of theocracy can’t even enforce mandatory genital mutilation?!? That’s just embarrassing. Plus lots of guys would never get their dick sucked if it weren’t for the mohel. And how else can you inoculate the infant population with herpes to prevent herpes?!?
The court went on to label commonsense objections to circumcision in general and the part where some herpetic newborn-groupie goes all Miley Cyrus on 8 day old testicles in particular as anti-semitism that must be combatted. So for those of you keeping score at home, objecting to sucking an infant’s dick is anti-semitic; objecting to sucking an adolescent’s dick is anti-Catholic.
Israeli rabbinical court orders mother to circumcise her son: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/26/jewish-court-tries-to-force-mother-to-circumcise-her-young-son-on-penalty-of-daily-fines/
And in “Jizzm Schism” news, conservative Christian groups are planning a ‘Day of Prayer’ on December 10th, to rid the world of pornography, and the resulting murder of babies during the controversial “negative first” trimester. Their missionary position on the issue blames smut and hand abortions for brand new societal woes like rape and thunderstorms.
I just want to know how much I have to chafe my chicken before I can summon a shark-nado.
Try harder . . . Not wanting to get “cock sock blocked” and/or “beaver damned”, personal orgasm rights advocates will stage a “passive day of nothing” that will coincide and compete with the Christian protest. There’s no plan, so everyone will probably just stay home and jerk off like usual. When porn continues to exist the next day, we’ll have proof that masturbation is at least as effective as prayer. I think it might be–
I’m way ahead of you. 30 seconds already on the clock … Christian Euphemisms for Masturbation … GO!!!
Spreading a handful of Holy Seed
Snake-handling.
Dressing your salad with popercorn ranch
Straightening the crozier
Knowing Thyself Biblically
Shit, “beating the bishop” is already a euphemism isn’t it? For being forced to whack off your bishop?
Dishonorable Discharge from the Salvation Army
Nailing your palm?
Thumping Below the Bible Belt
Christian group plans “Day of Prayer” against porn: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/22/conservative-groups-plan-prayer-vigil-against-pornography/
I guess it’s true what they say; masturbation jokes are more fun with a partner. So that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always.
I’m sticking with “Messiah-nara, bitches!”
And when we come back Lucinda will join us to beg you for money.
Calendar:
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes we normally set aside to highlight all the great atheist, skeptical and secular events going on around the country and around the world. But because of a combination of there not being much going on in December and me not wanting to highlight all the 2014 shit until next month, there won’t be any highlighting of conferences and events this month.
But because we still had two minutes to fill and I wanted to write a new music bed for this bit, I’ve decided to go a different direction. Like most atheists that grew up in a predominantly Christian culture, I find myself celebrating all the traditional Christian holidays and this December I’m hoping to break that habit by trying on some new December holidays. If you’d care to join me, here are a few non-Jesusy reasons to celebrate this holiday season:
12/1 World Aids day – for those who wish to celebrate AIDS. Not sure that this one is for me, but it sounds like a holiday Heath could really get behind.
12/7, a date that will live in infamy, is International Civil Aviation day, which we celebrate by flying airplanes that almost never bomb Pearl Harbor.
12/10 Human Rights Day – Not sure what that’s all about, but I figured the humanists would love it because it has their name right in the title.
12/11 National Noodle Day – I only mention it because there aren’t enough Pastafarian holidays.
12/21 Winter Solstice – A pagan holiday celebrated by doing all the Christmas stuff without the Jesus dolls. And if you’re with pagans there will also probably be some naked bonfire related activity.
12/25 Newtonmas – If you’re looking for a person born on this day over whom you can exchange gifts, decorate a tree and bake a ham, fuck Jesus. How about Sir Issac Newton? Seriously. Golden rule, laws of motion; getting crucified like a pussy, developing calculus; saving a whore, building the world’s first operational reflecting telescope. Jesus has nothing on that motherfucker.
Anyway, that wraps the calendar segment for this month, but we’ll do it again next month, only we’ll talk about atheist events and shit like we normally do.
Thanks:
In keeping with the Thanksgiving tradition, we thought we at the Scathing Atheist would take a minute to reflect on what we’re thankful for this year. Things like family,
Friends…
The thematic smut suggestion website called Pandora’s Box…
Indecisive juries and the improper handling of DNA evidence…
Multiple orgasms…
Late-term abortions…That was a close one…
Sylvia Brown not being alive…
Rechargeable batteries…
Subtle references to dildos…
But above all things, we’re thankful for our listeners. We’re thankful that people are willing to invest thirty minutes a week of their life listening to us make jokes about anally raping Jesus.
And we’re thankful for all the encouraging emails, facebook messages and iTunes reviews that people have taken the time to send.
And we’re thankful that the FCC hasn’t cock-blocked podcasting yet…
And we’re thankful that we’re able to find the cummulative 50 hours a week it takes to write, record and edit this show.
And we’re thankful that you have a spouse who’s so understanding and supportive
And makes awesome Thanksgiving desserts.
And of course, we’re thankful for all the people who support the show financially and keep our little operation afloat.
Because telling god to go fuck himself is more expensive than you think.
But luckily, for just one easy payment of however much you care to give us, you can help us bring you the very best dick puns and ass plays on words, in the business.
So a genuine thanks to everybody who gives us thirty minutes of their life.
And if you’d like to say “you’re welcome”, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
Song:
In chapter one God makes the universe and it takes seven days.
In chapter two he makes it again… in a contradictory way.
By chapter three he’s made Adam, here he makes Eve,
Then he kicks them out of Eden cause they’re covered in leaves?
In four God’s a dick to Cain, but not Abel,
So Cain strikes down his brother like the tower of Babel.
In chapter six we meet Noah; God says “Get ready for bruises,
You’re going on the worst boat ride there’ll be until Carnival Cruises.”
He gathers all the animals and builds a big boat,
And I guess no one else had anything on which they could float
Noah praises God for all the people he whacked,
But glancing at his cock’s an unforgivable act.
Then we spend an entire fucking chapter or two,
Learning ad nauseum who begat who.
By chapter twelve we meet Abraham and he uproots his life,
Takes his shit to Egypt and starts pimping his wife.
He fucks a slave, she has a kid and they exile that one,
But then at ninety-nine Sarah bares him a legitimate son.
In seventeen Abraham makes a crazy decision,
Regarding all his sons and slaves and adult circumcision.
In Twenty-Two he gets all screwy, and takes Isaac, his tyke,
Up a mountain and almost sacrifices him before the angels say, “Psyche!”
Abraham tells God there’s at least ten in Sodom with class,
So he sends a couple angels that they try to fuck in the ass.
And when you try to ass-rape angels, what comes is your fault,
Whether your town’s burned down by brimstone or you’re turned into salt.
Later Isaac meets Rebekah, they have Jake and Esau,
The big brother’s got the muscle but the brains of a cow.
Jacob tricks him from his birthright for a warm bowl of soup,
And his old near-sighted daddy’s just as easy to dupe.
Jacob takes two wives, fucks both of them and their maids.
I swear a chapter’s dedicated to Jake getting laid.
He has a dozen sons in all but he liked Joseph the best,
So his bro’s conspire against him and they steal his vest.
They sell him as a slave and tell daddy he’s dead.
He winds up a slave of Pharaoh for not performing in bed.
Here he goes all psychic, starts interpreting dreams.
It takes a couple years but at last he’s redeemed.
He stores up food for famine and he gets filthy rich;
His bros come needing munchies and he makes ‘em his bitch.
Then Joey shows back up, much to daddy’s surprise.
Jacob, now called Israel, eventually dies…
Chapter fifty’s so uplifting, all the tribes makes a truce;
And by now god’s promised the entire known world to the Jews.
Jews____ Back then, though, they were called the He-
Brews____ Those lucky fucks were the one god would
Choose____ Which is why nothing bad ever happens to
Jews.
Outro:
Before we wrap up the leftovers tonight I wanted to let everyone know that Heath and I were invited to take part in a panel on the InKredulous Podcast next month. Not sure exactly when that’ll be available but as soon as it is I’ll let you know via Twitter, Facebook and the blog, all of which, of course, you follow and or subscribe to and or like.
And with cyber Monday rapidly approaching, I wanted to also remind everyone to check out our CafePress site for all your godless holiday shopping needs. You’ll find a link to it on our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com, but you’re clever enough to Google it even without the link.
And at the risk of beating this whole “giving of thanks” thing to death, I need to thank Heath for being a clever, funny, godless bastard; I need to thank Lucinda for taking a break from cooking vast quantities of food to help us out tonight; I also need to thank Lucinda for cooking vast quantities of food and, as you may have noticed, we’re still always looking for more Farnsworth quotes, so if you have a blog or a podcast to promote or you just want to hear your voice at the beginning of the show, email me a clip; you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most vivacious vertebrates; Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul. Meredith, who’s such an incomparable badass they had to put the word “death” in her first name; April, whose face I’m totally carving into Mount Rushmore first chance I get; Rob, who, no offense to Peter Capaldi, would have made a way better 12th doctor; Bart, slayer of six fingered giants; Richard, whose ceaseless generosity has damn near earned his own theme song; Jeffrey, whose melodious voice is sweet enough to cause adult-onset diabetes; Benjamin, whose intergalactic reputation with a katana keeps the alien invasion forces at bay; Ross, whose ejactulate is legal tender in many island nations; Chris, whose gravitas causes quarks to chill the fuck out and act normal in his presence and Paul, who, through sheer tenacity, has earned the right to divide by zero.
These ten valorous paragons of profundity have earned eternally archived praise and first dibs on the left over green bean casserole and stuffing this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the civility, agility, virility and mental ability required to give us money, but if you think you share Meredith, April, Rob, Bart, Richard, Jeffrey, Benjamin, Ross, Chris and Paul’s laudable percipience, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you want to earn our perennial appreciation for free, you could always leave us a five star review on iTunes. And if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher, download the free and very awesome app and check us out there as well. Really helps our ranking and helps more people find the show.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 38 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains some portions edited from the completed episode due to time constraints
Warning: This podcast contains explicit language like shit and fuck.
Sponsor: Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new television network ESPN Jew; featuring hall of fame sportscasters Marv Albert, Chris Berman, Howard Cosell, Marty Glickman and Al Michaels, narrating an endless loop of Sandy Koufax highlights with occasional snippets of disgraced steroid-abusing Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun.
ESPN Jew, because seriously, it’s Koufax and Bears punter Adam Podlesh.
And now, the Scathing Atheist…
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s November 7th,
And Brandon Lee died because someone filled in the (blank).
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from post-Bloombergian New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
-
We’ll refresh you with some thinking-man’s abortion jokes.
-
The Jews will continue to have not murdered Jesus,
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And we do an entire segment on Pennsylvania schools, without a single Sandusky joke.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe:
Normally I do retractions at the end of the show, but this week we’ve got one I want to put right up front. The atheist blogosphere was abuzz all week last week with stories about a Polish girl who committed suicide to be with her father in heaven. It was all over social media all week complete with vigilant Jesus-defenders trying to theologically justify it.
Heath and I reported on it as well and the day that episode was released we immediately started seeing the retractions. It turns out the original story came from a tabloid paper and the more vigilant reporters were unable to confirm any of the details of the story. It almost certainly never happened.
But even before that news came out, there was a bit of internal conflict about running with this news item. Even when I didn’t doubt the veracity of the story, I was still hesitant to include it. Part of my resistance stems from the fact that I’m nowhere near as comfortable as my co-host with the prospect of making jokes about a suicidal elementary schooler, but part of it was simply the extreme nature of the story. I mean, it’s not like there was a rash of theologically inspired preteen suicides or anything. Even if this happened it was an extreme, isolated incident.
So when Heath brought up the story I originally objected to it. I explained my objection and he reasoned me out of them. And what’s more, the reasons that convinced me are still valid even if the story is bullshit.
This story was so appealing to atheists not because they believed that this was some inevitable consequence of religion, but because it offered a case study in one of the many theological pretzels that comes with the whole afterlife concept. Whether or not some little girl really killed herself to get to heaven, the questions that it prompted from atheists is no less valid.
As near as I can tell, this whole afterlife thing is the only real feature religion has left to sell. That and intermittent divine key-location. And as much as people seem to love the concept of an afterlife, it’s a sex-in-the-shower kind of thing; it sounds good until you start thinking about it.
The Facebook arguments bore this out. Most of them went like this:
The atheist would say, “Well if she got to be with her dad, wasn’t suicide the right choice?”
And the theist would counter with theological minutia; “No, because suicide is a mortal sin.”
To which the atheist would say, “So god sent the little girl to hell for eternity for missing her dad?”
To which the theist would change the subject, commit a gross logical fallacy or criticize the atheist’s spelling and/or punctuation.
Of course none of this matters because there was no little girl, there is no god and there is no heaven, but that doesn’t spackle over the logic gap at all.
Some of the debates were more utilitarian, of course. Some people argued for the value of simply believing in heaven whether it existed or not and thus avoided the delicate little-girl-roasting-in-hellfire problem by framing it as a question of proper theological education.
“If somebody told her that suicide was a mortal sin beforehand, she’d never have considered it.”
Okay, maybe that’s true, but how comforting is that to the little girl whose dad shot himself? What do you tell her? “Don’t worry, sweetheart, someday you’ll get bicurious and then you’ll get to burn in hell with him.”
I’m sick and tired of listening to people argue the merits of a belief in the afterlife. It’s an absurd concept no matter how you try to spin it and what’s more, it makes it harder to deal with the reality that dead people are just dead. That’s usually the hardest thing anyone will ever have to deal with so you’re probably better off trying to deal with it right away rather than cheese-clothing over it with fairy tales until it actually happens.
One way or the other, death is hard to deal with and like most things, rampant illogical bullshit doesn’t make it any easier. The cold comfort of thinking about grandma looking down from heaven dries up really quick when you’re lubing a dildo. And the cold comfort of your own immortality dries up when you think about a heaven run by some dude that has a perfectly good paradise elsewhere and put us here instead.
Headlines:
Joining me for headlines tonight is the third member of our two man triumvirate Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to virate?
Sure, why not? The ladies love things that virate.
In our lead story tonight, an Egyptian atheist was arrested this week for existing. According to a report from “Ahram Online”, a 20 year old student in the Suez city of Ismailia was arrested after allegedly starting an atheist group on Facebook.
I thought the CIA installed an Atheist Jewish government after causing Arab Spring.
Yeah, that’s what the NSA transcripts say, but apparently not. This would not mark the first time the Egyptian judicial system has responded to illegal use of emoticons. In December of last year atheist activist Alber Saber was sentenced to three years in jail for sharing a link to an online film critical of Islam.
They wanted him to post links to all the pro-Islam movies currently dominating world cinema?
Like… Obama’s home movies?
Rama-Donnie Brasco?
Water-boardwalk Empire.
Halal-most Famous.
Anyway, in their continuing effort to make sure the days of the pharaohs remains the highpoint in Egyptian civilization, the nation boasts draconian blasphemy laws that make (quote) “offending religion in any form” punishable by as many as six years in prison or two years service against the legionnaires.
Egyptians arrested for starting atheist Facebook page: http://english.ahram.org.eg/NewsContent/1/64/84968/Egypt/Politics-/Egypt-security-investigates-student-for-forming-at.aspx
And from the “Saviors NOT Murdered By Jews” file … Jesus: the Jews did NOT murder Jesus. However, according to a 2013 survey, only 75% of Americans are willing to believe the Jewish alibi on this, which says (quote) “None of us are 2000-year-old former citizens of ancient Rome.” Strangely enough, the remaining 25% tend to be anti-Semitic, despite the fact that – as far as they know – the Jews killed Jesus for their sins. I think a modicum of gratitude is in order…
That’s a too often overlooked part of this thing. Sure, Jesus died for the sins, but everybody involved was playing a necessary role in god’s divine plan. Where’s the love for the guy who made the crown of thorns? Or the carpenter that put together the cross? After all, that cat o nine tails didn’t just clean the chunks of flesh out of itself.
Historians and other literate people point out that the Jewish people were slaves in Rome at the time of Jesus’s death, and generally slave populations had little control over government execution policy, as evidenced by the fact that Jewish slaves were getting executed all the time. Despite this, and several other instances of the Jews NOT murdering people, and one huge instance of the opposite, many Americans still carry anti-Semitic attitudes.
In preparation for this news story I made the mistake of typing “25% of Americans think…” into the Google search bar. Possibly the most depressing autocomplete you will ever see.
For example, about 25% believe (quote) “Jews still talk too much about what happened to them in the Holocaust.” (end quote) . . .
Six million little cases of murder and they’re bitching for a century… Jews.
Gotta figure lots of these anti-Semites are Bible Belters . . .
Do you really get a lot of 90-year-old German Jews jogging up next to you in rural Arkansas, you’re just trying to do some cardio, and they won’t stop blabbing on about surviving genocide?
“You working up a good sweat? I’m auschvitzing like a pig over here.”
“Shut up Saul- actually that’s pretty funny. You can say that because you’re Jewi- Look I don’t have time to make holocaust puns with you again!” …
Guess we should put 30 seconds on the cl-
We will not be putting 30 seconds on the clock for a holocaust pun segment. Moving on.
25% of Americans believe the Jews killed Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/jews-killed-jesus-adl-survey_n_4191568.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
And from the “What’s the motto with you?” file tonight, a bill that would put the words “In God We Trust” in every public school in the state has passed through Pennsylvania’s Education committee, reminding atheists and secularists everywhere that rednecks don’t only live in the south.
Those rednecks do spread quickly. They fuck like rabbits. Like ignorant, incestuous rabbits.
Hell, some of them just fuck rabbits. Anyway, the bill’s sponsor and amputated-testicle joke on a tee Rick Saccone points out that the measure would promote patriotism by reminding school kids that America was founded by the same oppressively religious assholes they had in the rest of the world back then. Nine of the twenty three members of the committee opposed the bill on the grounds that would cost money and is stupid, but supporters point out that (quote) “them motherfuckers are a bunch of godless commies”.
Yeah it’s the lack of creationist visual aids that’s leading to all the rampant atheism. Kids don’t trust things unless they have lots of posters with vague, unexplained platitudes.
Saccone also points out that this will help draw attention to the little known fact that the red-scare inspired change in the nation’s motto wasn’t proposed by just any irrational, divisive, nugatory, reactionary, hysterical, twaddling tit… it was a Pennsylvanian one.
And speaking of propaganda mongers with semi-amputated testicles, Richard Sack-One, aka Dick Half-Sack, aka Only One Kenobi started his political career at the Ministry of Truth in Oceania during the mid-eighties.
Bill to put “In God We Trust” in every classroom passes PA Education committee: http://www.abc27.com/story/23782955/pa-house-gets-bill-to-post-in-god-we-trust-in-schools
And in “Found My Soul Mate” news: Area woman celebrates Halloween dressed as a bloodied Boston Marathon runner . . . According my research, and her twitter handle, I just need to look for (quote) “Some Skank in Michigan” named Alicia Ann Lynch.
As a native born Michigander I can tell you, we’ve got the best skanks.
She’s perfect for me, right? Female, 22, self-proclaimed skank … check check check. And she might just have the best cringe-worthy sense of humor ever. Close second place in the cringe-worthy humor contest goes to the accidentally hilarious Lisa in Dallas, who tried to angrily respond to Lynch by saying: (quote) “Wow. If she has kids, would she put them in bloodied Sandy Hook shirts?” (end quote)
Inadvertently giving Heath a reason to procreate.
Alicia Lynch (and/or Lisa in Dallas for that matter), I hereby offer to impregnate you, have those kids, and dress them up like Lisa suggests, just so we could take the most offensive and also hilarious family photo of all time. I’m not suggesting the events themselves are funny, but when combined with a holiday about death juxtaposed with children in costumes, I can’t avoid a chuckle. And hand on a Bible, most people in Boston would trade a minor explosion at the marathon for a Red Sox world series all day.
Isn’t it a little too soon for World Series jokes?
Funniest Female Ever: http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/woman-s-boston-marathon-bombing-costume–what-it-says-about-everyone-205502002.html
And in “Abstain-o-lantern” news tonight, a Christian assholes took it upon herself to ruin Halloween for some neighborhood kids when she chose to augment the traditional candy by stapling it to graphic anti-abortion propaganda.
Nothing goes together like halloween candy, staples, and dead kids.
While nothing would appetize an atheist like pictures of aborted fetuses, a number of the parents in the New Mexico neighborhood were shocked. The woman who handed out the dead baby menus defended her actions by reminding people that it’s okay to be a bitch as long as Jesus.
Okay, 30 seconds on the clock; Baby-based Halloween candies:
Fetus Pieces- no Sugar Baby Killers
Embryo Ruth Bars
And the miniatures are called Test Tube Baby Ruth?
Kid-Kats
SteM&M Cells
Spree-mies?
Cadbury Ova? Cadbury Fertilized Eggs? Cadbury Egg Drop Soup – and if you weren’t listening last week, that’s describing candied euphemisms for abortion.
It’s not a candy, but you could have some infanti-cider to drink.
Ok nice, atheist beverages … Swiss Miscarriage Hot Chocolate
Christians give out graphic anti-abortion propaganda at Halloween: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/new-mexico-trick-or-treaters-given-graphic-anti-abortion-propaganda-with-candy/
In “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” news, several drunken rednecks went wandering in the woods at night with rifles, hoping to murder a mythical yeti. When they saw a what appeared to be a large, bearded human with a blaze orange jacket, they did what any former vice president would do, and shot him.
“What could that human shaped thing in the dark be, if not a bigfoot?”
Yeah, apparently they initially told the 911 dispatcher that he’d been gored by a unicorn in combat but when she expressed doubt, they were forced to tell the truth. They needed a replacement cryptozoological hair for the core of their magic wands.
I also love that the news report ends with the sentence, “It is not yet known if drugs or alcohol played any part in the accident.” For the sake of my faith in humanity, both drugs and alcohol better have played a fucking role in it.
Unfortunately this story does not have a happy ending. In what can only be described as a Darwin Award snub, the wounded sasquatch wrangler is expected to survive.
Man accidentally shot while “hunting bigfoot” with friends: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2013/11/03/three-men-arrested-after-accidental-shooting-during-bigfoot-hunt/
In “Them-merry-gentlemen-are-probably-fags-too” news tonight, greeting card behemoth and indefatigable generator of trivial holidays Hallmark is dodging accusations of homophobia this week after releasing a Christmas ornament that rewrites the lyrics to “Deck the Halls” to take out that offensive reference to assless chaps.
What happened? Did Hallmark find out that “Yuletide Carol” is the name of a trans-gender holiday-themed prostitute on my block? Oh no, obviously … It’s the line before that. It’s gonna say “Don we now our HOMOSEXUAL apparel” to be politically correct.
Close, but actually the sweater shaped ornament has, “Don we now our FUN apparel” written across it, but in Hallmark’s defense, it’s the gayest fucking sweater you can imagine so clearly they don’t hate the gays across the board.
Right and it’s only for the one holiday. It’s like how white people are allowed to use the N-word on Christmas morning. And then Christians are allowed to use homophobic slurs that afternoon. There’s a holiday hate schedule, and it generally works.
A representative for the company explained that the song dates back to the 1880s, way before gay meant having butt sex, adding (quote) “today it has multiple meanings, which we thought could leave out intent open to misinterpretation”. So apparently the representatives for Hallmark think that many of their customers have assumed this whole time that those carollers are singing about anal-beads and strapons.
Certain apparel – gay or straight – was really put in there to be removed.
Hallmark edits Deck the Hall to remove references to butt-sex: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/10/31/hallmark-nixes-gay-from-christmas-carol-on-ornament/
In “Hexa-kosioi-hexe-konta-hexa-phobia” news, the Christianity brainwash process caused a high school cross country runner to drop out of a race. The satanic cult that runs the Whitley County Kentucky school system, insisted that she wear Anti-Christ propaganda in the form of a bib with the # 666, also known as a Beelze-Bib.
Student and amateur biblical numerologist Gina Croley explained her decision by saying (quote), “I didn’t want to risk my relationship with god”
Helped the poor… check.
Kept my commandments… check.
Didn’t mix fibers… check.
Never randomly fell to number six hundred and sixty six in a numerical set… hold on a second!
When asked why she didn’t just flip it to 999, or pencil in a “point one” or a “negative sign”, her church spokesman I made up replied: (quote) “Satan’s not that stupid. And it’s not like this is arbitrary. We hate any homo-digital number that’s equal to the summation of the integers from 1 to the square of that digit.” (end quote) … Fun way to scare Christians away I guess: “Don’t make me add up the numbers on this roulette wheel. I’ll fucking do it. 1010011010 in binary!!! Stay back!!!”
Satan Almost Gets Soul at High School Cross Country Race: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/11/05/high-school-runner-drops-out-of-regional-race-after-being-assigned-number-666/
Well that’s gonna do it for headlines tonight. Heath, thanks as always for being a part of it.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to reluctantly say penises three times in a single sentence.
Merch Plug:
http://www.cafepress.com/scathingatheist
Welcome back to the Scathing Atheist home-shopping network, America’s number one source for Scathing Atheist logo merchandise. Heath, what’s our next item?
Next up is this lovely Scathing Atheist logo Men’s V-Neck T-Shirt. This 100% soft cotton tee is perfect for beaches, parks, outdoor sporting events… anywhere you normally wear clothes, really. And it’s available in five sizes so you can collect ‘em all!
Because having only clothes that fit you is narrow minded. Now, if I’m not mistaken this T-shirt has been scientifically proven to increase your balance, sexual stamina and white blood cell count, isn’t that right?
Yes, if you’re not mistaken, those things are true.
And how much are we selling these T-shirts for today, Heath?
That’s a great question because I’m sure our listeners have seen similar shirts in Fifth Avenue boutiques selling for hundreds if not millions of dollars, but we have a special indefinite-day-offer where our listeners can get them for one easy payment of only $23.99.
Obviously you misspoke, as the price you quoted is clearly less than a tenth of the value of this amazing upper body garment. I’m sure you didn’t mean “only $23.99”.
No, you heard me right. We’re practically giving these shirts away right now.
That price is far too low for me to believe anything you have to say about this T-shirt so let’s move on to our next item.
Sure. Next up we’ve got a rugged and durable hard plastic Scathing Atheist logo iPhone case with a polished finish.
I have to tell you, that’s so beautiful I’m erect. I’m literally having trouble not dry humping it at this very moment.
I have one inside me right now. This iPhone case has been clinically tested to improve weight loss, regrow hair, improve athletic performance, and nestle comfortably in your duodenum.
And how did those clinical tests come out?
They were brought to completion, as was I, via prostate.
Excellent. You know, that’s such an aesthetically pleasing iPhone case I couldn’t help myself and I bought three of them this morning. And I don’t even own an iPhone.
Well that’s not a problem. We also have them available for iPads, iPad minis, Galaxy phones, Kindles and more.
Yeah, but they don’t all have that beautiful Scathing Atheist logo design on the back do they?
They do.
Wow. That must cost at least $355.
Actually, believe it or not, these phone covers start as low as $20.39.
Holy shit! That’s under $20.40! I’m starting to doubt your integrity.
I get that a lot at these ridiculous prices.
So you’re telling me I can protect my phone from scratches…
That’s right.
Dings…
Mm-hmm.
Scuffs,
Yep.
And drops,
That’s correct.
AND I can proudly display my filthy monkey heritage at the same time?
I know, I know, it sounds too good to be true, but because of a once in a lifetime astronomical convergence, we’re able to offer these state of the art phone and tablet covers for a steal. Like many an eponymous retailer, we’ve gone crazy and started slashing prices!!!
Wow. Who’d have ever thought I could finish all my holiday shopping so quickly. But as amazing as that deal is, I see one problem with it.
What’s that, Noah?
Well, I can already hear listeners at home saying, “I really want that lovely iPhone cover, but I don’t want to cover an iPhone with it so much as I want to cover myself with it. And I don’t want it to be made of hard plastic so much as a poly/cotton blend. And I wish it had a hood.” It’s a shame we don’t have anything for those listeners.
We do.
We do?
Well how about this lovely Scathing Atheist logo pullover hoodie for only $41.99? Or this fitted ladies zipper hoodie for only $32.39?
But what if they don’t have a gym bag to put all this lovely Scathing Atheist logo merchandise in?
Well, I suppose they could add this Scathing Atheist logo water resistant, nylon gym bag to their shopping cart for only $16.19.
Is that the correct price or are you suffering from some rare form of mathematical insanity?
I know, I know, these prices are far too low to be accepted on faith, but you can verify them all by going to cafepress (dot) com (slash) Scathing Atheist and you’ll see that my mental faculties are still in working order.
Wow, I suppose I’ll have to log on to that website or check the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com for a handy link immediately.
So will everyone listening, I’m sure.
Well, assuming that all of our listeners are discerning shoppers with a keen sense of value. Oh, and weren’t you saying something about free shipping earlier?
No, I wasn’t.
Bible Story:
“Run gather the young ‘uns, folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons’ Bible Stories for kids!”
(Judges 19)
Gather round boys and girls, today we’re going to open up our bibles to the book of Judges and learn about one of the most important women in the whole bible. She was so important that the whole nation of Israel went to war over her and all she had to do was get raped to death and dismembered.
We don’t know her name, but we’ll call her Terry. She was a concubine, which is kind of like a combination between a wife and a slave, and one day the man that owned her made her mad so she went home to her parents. After a few months of trying unsuccessfully to lick his own balls, he decided to go get her, because after all, he did own her.
So he went and got her but on the way back to his house they found themselves in a town called Gibeah. They’d never been there before, it was getting dark and they didn’t have anywhere to sleep so they were really scared. But luckily a nice old man came across them and let them stay at his house.
He gave them food and something to drink, but right before they were about to put on their pajamas, there was a knock on the door.
“Who is it?” the old man asked.
A voice on the other side of the door answered, “A violent rape gang”
Now suddenly everyone got very scared because violent rape gangs like to force their penises into places where you’d rather not have penises and nobody in the house wanted any penises in them.
“What do you want?” the old man asked.
And the violent rape gang answered back, “You brought some man into your house tonight. Send him outside so that we may know him.”
And when they said, “know him”, they meant “fuck him”, and when I say “fuck him”, I mean forcibly penetrate his rectum with their engorged, throbbing cocks. And when I say rectum, I mean butthole.
But the man inside didn’t want to have his butthole forcibly penetrated so he turned to the old man and asked what they could do.
“I don’t know”, the old man said, “They’re not going to go away until they have somebody to violently rape.”
And the man gave a big sigh of relief. He was afraid he would have to be raped, but luckily he had Terri there to get raped for him. So he and the old man pushed her out the door and the violent rape gang went to work violently gang raping her. And that was very rude because the sounds of her being brutally violated to death made it really hard for the other two men to sleep.
Eventually the gang got bored and stopped raping her, so she tried to crawl back to the house, but her intervaginal hemmoraging was too severe so she only made it to the porch before she died.
The next morning her husband (slash) owner got up and rubbed his eyes, ready to finish his journey home. He thanked the old man and then went outside to get his fuck-slave. He saw her laying on the porch and thought that she must be really lazy to still be asleep so late in the morning, so he kicked her a few times to wake her up.
And when he realized she was actually dead, he was extremely annoyed. How was he supposed to fuck her now? So he did the logical thing, he chopped her into little pieces and mailed the bleeding hunks of her body all over the nation so that people could see how mean the people in Gibeah were.
So all the people in Israel decided to end the violence by massacring all the men, women and children that lived in Gibeah, even the ones that didn’t have anything to do with gang-raping Terri.
And pretty much nobody lived happily ever after.
The end.
Outro:
Before we cash the bowl tonight I wanted to congratulate friend of the show Thomas from “Thomas and the Bible” on reaching the 100 episode milestone. If you haven’t checked out his show yet you have to go ahead and do that and when you do, you’ll be happy to know that there are 99 archival episodes to keep you entertained.
I also wanted to remind everyone that I’m always looking for more Farnsworth quotes to open the show. I’ve got a few stockpiled, but I can never have enough so if you have a blog, a podcast or a convention you want to plug, check out the contact page on Scathing Atheist (dot) com and send me some Farnsworth.
Oh, and huge thanks to everybody who listens to the show on Stitcher. We actually cracked the top 10 in our category last week and it’s worth noting that they don’t have an “atheism” category. We’re top ten in all religion and inspirational shows over there so we’re competing with the likes of Joel O’Steen, Joyce Meyers and my archnemesis Creflo Dollar. So thanks again for making that happen and if you haven’t checked us out on Stitcher yet, download the free app, check us out and help push us a little higher. After all, if Joel O’Steen’s prosperity gospel is correct and we succeed, that’s proof that god is an atheist.
I need to thank Lucinda for opening and closing the show this week, I need to thank Heath for all the stuff in the middle and, of course, I’ve gotta thank Remy G and yeah, I know that’s a repeat, but the last time we played his Farnsworth quote Facebook shut him down the next day. His Facebook page is back now and better than ever so I figured I should toss him a plug again now that it matters. So once again, the name of the Facebook Page is “Fuck your fucking god, you ignorant blinded dumb fuck” and that really says it all. If you don’t want to type all that shit into the searchbar but you still want to like his page, fear not, there’ll be a link on the shownotes for this episode.
https://www.facebook.com/nooneaboveu
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most intellectually sound arguments for the continued existence of our species; Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat. Vinnie, whose brilliance shines so brightly it can only be viewed by poking a hole in a piece of paper and then observing it’s shadow; Karen, whose strength of will is measured in horsepower per second squared; Laura, whose very name strikes fear in the hearts of pirates across the seven seas; Gregory, whose return was prophesied centuries ago by the great seers; April, whose praiseworthiness should really just be a weekly segment on this show; Emily, whose NSA transcripts inspired the Dos Equis ad campaign; Bryan, whose gravitas makes people rethink that long standing “no worldwide imperial dictators” rule; BCD, who kept beta through psi and only let god have those fringe letters and Cat who is a ninja-decimating genius with a giant penis and everything, but would much rather I spent this time wishing a happy belated birthday to his friend and friend of the show Bruce; so Bruce, happy birthday, may there be many more and I hope you celebrated with the traditional baby shaped atheist cake.
These nine noble, soulless individuals have improved the plight of impoverished peoples around the world this week by supporting a message of reason, secularism and fart jokes, also known as giving us money. Not everybody has the deeply forged passion for human excellence required to give us money, but if you think you share Vinnie, Karen, Laura, Gregory, April, Emily, Bryan, BCD and Cat’s commitment to hominid longevity, or just want to hear me make a joke about how many ninjas you can kill with your dick, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if that’s too much to ask, we humbly request that you take a few seconds to leave us a glowing review on iTunes, share our stuff wherever you can do that without getting stoned to death and telling your pastor about the show.
If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 37 Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah & Lucinda Lugeons
Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final production due to time constraints.
Warning: This podcast contains language that would make the baby Jesus cry.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Terrorist Surplus Outlet, Jihobby-Lobby. Come on in to a branch near you for all your plastic explosive and multi-colored wire needs.
Mention this ad and get half off those big red digital countdown displays Hollywood directors seem to think people actually put on bombs.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s Halloween,
And it looks like a whole bunch of chickens had abortions last night.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from scantily clad New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
-
We’ll remind you in advance that deaf people can’t hear the jokes we make about them,
-
We’ll be one of six programs released today that don’t use any crappy halloween puns,
-
And we’ll delve elbow deep into the gayest book of the bible so far.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe
I really like to argue online. It’s a largely pointless guilty pleasure and I know that people who post Answers In Genesis inspired memes aren’t doing so in hopes of opening an earnest discussion about faith and philosophy, but I love to do it.
I should point out right up front that I’m talking about arguing, not debating. If somebody wants to have a genuine discussion about their beliefs that’s great, but I’m not your man. Debate is important and I believe that it’s a vital form of atheist outreach and I entrust it to people with more experience and patience than myself.
But when it comes to knock down, drag out, fuck you, no fuck you arguing… not to pat my own back or anything, but that’s kind of where I shine. I don’t think it serves much of a purpose, but damn it if I don’t enjoy the hell out of it.
So the other day I’m surfing through a number of atheism pages on Facebook looking for a troll to crush and I come upon one of the stupidest syllogisms ever offered in this or any other debate. As I marvelled at the stupidity it took to construct this heresy against reason I tried to catalog everything that made it wrong but it seemed like a formula would be needed… or a calculator and a three dimensional chart or something.
So here it is in all it’s stupid glory:
1. Any position which is unfalsifiable is unscientific
2. Atheism is unfalsifiable.
3. Therefore atheism is unscientific.
Where to start, right? So before we get to the reason I’m bringing this up, let me just take care of a few of the fatal flaws here. First of all, atheism isn’t a claim, it’s the rejection of a claim. Egg salad isn’t falsifiable and yet it exists. Atheism doesn’t make any claims, it just rejects really stupid ones with insufficient supporting evidence. So there’s that.
But the far more glaring error here is this inability of theist debaters to recognize the whole meaning of the term “falsifiability”. So let’s pretend for the moment that atheism is me saying “there definitely isn’t a god”. It’s not, but for the moment let’s pretend it is. If you substitute almost any other word for god, it becomes painfully obvious how incredibly “falsifiable” this statement is. “There definitely isn’t Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”
You see them make this same stupid mistake when they talk about evolution. Of course, you and I know all about rabbits in the Cambrian and what-not, but you’ll still hear these foaming-at-the-mouth intellectual bodyguards for Jesus claiming that evolution isn’t falsifiable.
The problem is a complete recognition of what science means about “falsifiability”. We’re talking about the intrinsic quality of falsifiability; theoretical falsifiability. They’re talking about the ability to prove it wrong. They’re actually saying, “Evolution isn’t scientific because I can’t prove it wrong.” They don’t seem to realize that the inability to falsify a theoretically falsifiable statement is the closest damn thing there can possibly be to proof that it is correct. They’re mistaking falsifiable with falsified.
Yes, you can’t falsify evolution… because it’s fucking correct! You can’t falsify atheism… because there’s no fucking god! People have been looking for that elusive bastard for tens of thousands of years at least and still not one shred of credible evidence has arisen to help them out. And yet they’re trying to act like this fatal flaw somehow bolsters their claim.
And as asinine as it seems to me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the people in the “invisible-man-in-another-dimension-whose-ways-are-too-mysterious-for-you-to-comprehend” camp are fuzzy on the concept of falsifiability.
Headlines
Joining me for Headlines tonight is racist satire aficionado, Heath Enwright. Heath, which do you prefer; Asians or whites?
I’m glad you asked . . . I’m going with Asians. I’m uncomfortable with anyone who has “Lee” in their name that isn’t Asian. Lee Iococca, Lee Harvey Oswald, Robert E. Lee … Nothing but trouble.
I don’t know if I agree with that. Ang Lee pisses me off and he’s Asian.
In our lead story tonight, the good old boy network that runs the lucrative South Carlonia Christian soup kitchen sector, continues to thwart the existence of secular morality by refusing to employ volunteer atheist ladlers. And in Onion Headline Form- French Onion Headline Form . . .
“Stewish Mafia Godfather Refuses Atheist Request, Even at Daughter’s Italian Wedding.”
Yeah, so they won’t allow atheists to ladle soup and then they fault them for not doing enough charity work. It’s like justifying an invasion because the country had weapons of mass destruction after spending decades selling them weapons of mass destruction. And you’d have to be an idiot to do that… or vote for somebody who had already done that.
Let’s get straight to it. Lightning Round. 15 seconds on the clock . . .
Religion Brand Soups, GO!
Jew-cumber soup?… no fuck, wait… that’s just Matzah ball soup.
“Schismed Pea with Ham” … or “Crock of Shit, Pee with Ham”
Well we can’t do beans and pasta because God Hates Fagioli…
Shark of the Covenant Fin
Cream of Altar Boy. (known to our Scottish listeners as “Cock-a-leekie”)
Maybe some atheist brands … Manhattan Scam Doubter … Nietzsche-Soise.
Maybe Bouillabaisse-ic logic?
Christianity: Bouillabaissed on a Jew story . . .
Not sure if this fits, but atheist stem cell researchers call their inputs “Egg Drop Soup”
And in “Did I mention I’m a Monday through Friday Adventist?” news tonight, Christian egotist and person whose name is too goofy for a character in Hunger Games Celestina Mba is suing for the right of all religious people to have days off when god tells them too.
Rabbis work every Saturday, and Priests work every Sunday. Religion’s entire corporate structure breaks that rule every week. What the fuck?!?
And yet she was fired from her job after refusing to work Sundays. After extreme poverty left her apparently unable to buy a vowel, Mba sued.
Not too many black women with MBA at the end of their name.
Ouch… The court ruled on the side of fucking off. Pointing out that fucking off was also against her religion, she appealed the verdict and now seeks to take it to a higher court.
Then she plans on suing the NFL for refusing to hire Christians. I hope they schedule all her court appearances on Sundays for secular spite.
Invoking the bafflingly common Christian mantra of “treating everyone the same discriminates against Christians”, an attorney working on Mba’s behalf points out that the courts allow people to wear religious bracelets and have religious haircuts, so how is that any different than this almost completely unrelated issue?
That’s literally part of their argument. If black people get corn rows, we get Sundays off.
Christian sues for right not to work on Sunday: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/24/christian-employee-seeks-appeal-for-refusing-to-work-on-sundays/
And from the “Ears In Heaven, Hell in Keller” file, Pat Robertson explains that being deaf is your mother’s fault, faith healing is like Santa Claus, and only God can heal people. Also, Pat Robertson can heal people.
And barring that, he can say shit that will make you not mind being deaf.
This particular tribute to religion and senility began when the mother of a deaf person asked why prayer wasn’t restoring function to the axons and dendrites in her son’s ears. Robertson – chief auditory neurologist of “The 700 Club” – explained that deaf people’s prayers tend to be badly enunciated. But if the speech-capable mother was praying too, she must be holding the wand wrong or something.
Or perhaps she hadn’t properly arranged the entrails before the bloody altar. Or maybe she forgot to click her heels together three times.
My first instinct tells me she forgot to rebuke the spirit of deafness. Robertson agreed, saying (quote) “I have dealt with people who are deaf and you rebuke the spirit of deafness and they get healed and so I don’t know what you’re doing wrong.” (end quote) You gotta really rebuke it nice and loud. She probably didn’t rebuke loud enough.
This animated cadaver is an endless pipeline of crazy. Every week it’s something even more insultingly stupid than the last. Now he’s claiming that not only can he heal deaf people with a magical incantation but that it has such a high success rate that he’s literally baffled that someone else is unable to do it. We’re talking about a Jesus-level miracle and he’s acting like she can’t reset the time on her phone.
He continued: “Listen up, deaf listeners. Faith healing is just like Santa Claus. He’s got a pack on his back and he has gifts and he’s passing these gifts out but they come from God. Only God can heal people … and also me. And if you really need those ears right away, there’s always a letter to the north pole, or a journey down the yellow brick road to see the wizard.”
Pat Robertson and Jesus could have cured Helen Keller: http://www.christianpost.com/news/pat-robertson-tells-mother-i-dont-know-what-youre-doing-wrong-he-can-cure-deafness-107454/
And in the Pubic Defender file tonight, I was ecstatic this week to find that the following headline and subsequent news item was not from a satire site, “British taxpayers foot three hundred and fifty thousand pound legal bill for Muslim Pubic hair battle”.
350,000 pounds – That’s a lot of pubes.
The story centers around a mentally disabled 30 year old woman and her parent’s two year battle to shave her pubes.
Well we Americans wasted a lot more money than that on our retarded bush problems.
Way better than my stab at ‘W’… well done. So apparently Muslim tradition requires that women shave their pubes, which shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows anything about Muhammad’s child-fucking proclivities. But since their severely handicapped daughter isn’t under their care and the person who is caring for her is a bit uncomfortable about the idea of two adults she doesn’t know making aesthetic changes to her genital region, they took it to court.
Isn’t this just a simple case of what man owns her?
Well we’ll never know because days before the scheduled hearing, after hundreds of thousands of dollars had been spent preparing for the case, the parents unexpectedly dropped the suit leading to one of the greatest understatements in legal history. Justice Roderic Wood who pointed out that (quote) “…there are many competing cases of equal if not greater urgency than this one.”
Yeah, there’s an Orthodox Jew with Tourette’s who wants to bleach her asshole.
Muslim parents sue for right to shave their retarded daughter’s pubes: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/10396170/Taxpayers-foot-350k-legal-bill-for-Muslim-pubic-hair-battle.html
And in “What’s the worst that could… How did we do an entire story about religious people and their pubes, without an Occam’s Razor joke?!?
We’re losing our… edge? Shit… I guess that lame joke is exhibit B.
And in “What’s the worst that could happen?” news, a twelve-year-old girl hanged herself to be with her dead father in heaven, only to find out she forgot to read the fine print about suicide, and now she’s either in hell, or just normal secular dead.
True story: Friend of the show Eli Bosnick posted this story on his Facebook wall and some Christian asshat comes back and says, “Well if somebody had told her suicide was a mortal sin, this never would have happened.” Yeah… that’s the metaphysical fuck up here. But Eli posed the right question. If you honestly think she’s in Heaven now, didn’t she do the right thing? And if you honestly think that your god would stick this little girl in hell, why would you praise him?
Every parent needs to know about an important principle. It’s bad to kill your child with lies … AND … it’s also bad to kill them with truths. Lacsap’s Wager tells us that even if you believe in the afterlife, you might as well teach your children about reality, just to be sure they don’t hang themselves. Decomposing in a box next to daddy, isn’t nearly as glamorous as the express escalator to heaven.
That kid is back on the escalator to heaven: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/27/to-be-with-her-father-in-heaven-girl-12-commits-suicide/
Man am I glad that story’s over. And finally tonight, in “We put the organ in organic” news, a website that doesn’t remotely seem like a credible news source is reporting that the Hasidic yeshiva of Gur has banned students from eating soy-based products, fearing soy might lead to gay sex.
Fossilized human remains in Asia show that people were using edamame as anal beads . . . Or possibly just eating edamame. Point being, Jew rules about gays aren’t an exact science. They kind of just spray at the wall and see what sticks.
Officials at the school warn that even one soy based product a week can lead to unwanted arousal, which goes a long way toward explaining Japanese porn. They warn that soy contains magical circle-jerk hormones.
Which is true, if graded on a Hasidic Rabbi bullshit curve.
Rabbi bans soy because it may cause gay sex: http://www.yourjewishnews.com/2013/10/n29787.html?m=1
That’s gonna do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.
All this nihilism is exhausting.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us in wishing that god appreciated word economy.
Poem
I read One Samuel and the whole time I was thinking to myself, “hey, this should make for a pretty easy poem. It tells a linear story, it makes sense, there’s a cornucopia of characters, a lot of shit rhymes with Sam and Saul…”
So I guess that it shouldn’t have surprised me at all that somebody already wrote a perfectly good poem about this particular book of the bible and far be it from me to try to outdo a master of the poetic arts. So with apologies to the original author, I present to you… 1 Samuel:
I am Sam.
I am Sam.
Sam I am.
That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
Do you like the Philistines?
I do not like those Philistines,
For god has said they are unclean,
I want to do things really mean,
To every single Philistine.
Would you like them Here or there?
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
I thought that god had made it clear,
We should take to them the sword and spear.
We should slaughter each one like a lamb,
Because I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.
Would you like them in a house?
We should burn them in their house,
We should plague them with a mouse.
We should kill each child and spouse,
And treat them like a pubic louse.
We should catch their sheep and goats,
Kill their herds and burn their boats,
We should do what god denotes,
And slit their motherfucking throats.
I do not give a tinker’s damn,
I just don’t like them, Sam-I-Am.
Would you like them in a box?
Well sure, as long as that thing locks.
Plague them with a burning pox,
Feed them to a hungry fox,
With their normal, human, uncut cocks.
Would you like them with a van?
Am I mincing words here, man?
I would not like them in a van.
I would not like them in a can.
I despise each member of their clan.
I would not like them in a house,
I would not like them with a mouse,
I would not like them with a fox,
I would not like them wearing socks,
I would not like them in the night,
I would not like them in the light,
In no death would I find more delight…
Except for those Amalekites.
Babble
By far the most interesting book so far in the bible, 1 Samuel employs things like wordplay, foreshadowing, story arch
…and gay sex…
in a way that has been lacking since the last few chapters of Genesis. And while the story is still horrible and largely immoral, it’s a much better read than the shit we’ve waded through to get here.
Yeah against all odds, they manage to limbo under the St. Louis Gateway Arch
So to help us break down yet another 66th of this book is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.
Hi ya!
Why don’t you start us off with… let’s say Chapter one.
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First we meet Hannah, whose husband Elkanah preferred her to his other wife even though his other wife had kids.
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Right. So she prays to god to have a son (because fuck daughters) and promises if god will grant her a son, she’ll give him to the priesthood. So basically she wanted all the fun of childbirth without tedium of having an offspring.
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So god does and she does and this kid is the titular Samuel.
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So little Sam ends up ministering with Phineas and Ferb, the sons of Eli..
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Phineas and Hophni
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That’s what I said. Anyway, these guys are really shitty priests that abuse their power and god’s only willing to overlook that shit for so long.
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At least one century in the case of Catholic pedophiles.
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I thought the first rabbi to start signing tits was Matisyahu, but apparently these guys had ethnic groupies way back. And what’s the point in running a tabernacle, if you can’t fuck the sluts that work the front door, right? Eli gets mad, and yells at his sons: “This isn’t a restaurant…You don’t fuck the barely legal hostesses. What did we just talk about?!?”
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–
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Then the Philistines show up and attack because that’s what Philistines do. The Jews get their asses kicked and they’re all like, “Hey, why you reckon god would have let them kick our asses like that?”
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So to find out they order that the Ark of the Covenant be brought to the battlefield so they could walkie-talkie heaven for help. But then the Philistines just say, “Hey, look, it’s a box with god in it. Kill them and take it.” And then do.
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Phineas and Ferb die in the battle and when Eli hears about that he says, “meh…” but then the messenger says, “Oh yeah, and they took Indiana Jones’ box, too” he freaks out, falls over and breaks his neck.
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And Phineas’ wife hears about everybody dying and the godbox going missing so she freaks out, shits out the kid she’d been baking and dies too.
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So they take the ark to Ashdod and put it in the temple next to a statue of their god; god decapitates the statue, gives them some cancer, you know, normal god stuff.
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And for seven months they keep taking it to this city or that one and every time they do everybody gets cancer or something and they move it again.
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Little did they know, the Jews switched the God-Box, for a box of weapons-grade plutonium they got from the Ralien Lizard-People during the redacted book after Leviticus, rumoured to be called Atomic Numbers.
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So the Philistines call up the Jews and say, “Here take your fucking box back already, this shit sucks.”
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But the Jews won’t just take it back and lift the curse or anything. They start going all “Knights that say Neek” on them and ask for… I shit you not… five golden mice and five golden tumors. TUMORS! They ask them to make molds of their tumors and cover them in gold or god won’t lift his curse.
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“And not too expensive, but the following items must be covered in gold. We want five gilded lillies- shit no that feels like a mistake. Five . . . mice . . . and five . . . malignant tumors this time, you cheaters.”
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Then they get the ark back and everyone rejoices.
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Then all the people show up begging Samuel to appoint a king. Because, you know, people are always wanting to be ruled over by tyrants.
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And Samuel tries to talk them out of it. “He’ll be a dick and he’ll take their cattle and their slaves and all their best stuff and he’ll march them out to die in battle for him.”
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And the people are like, “Yeah, that’s cool. We just really, really want a dictator, who will later control how history records this moment in time.”
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Now we meet Saul who is supremely qualified to be a king since he’s both tall and handsome.
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I’ve always said I’d rule the Jews well. I’m at least half qualified.
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So Saul is wandering around all of Israel looking for his dad’s donkeys when he runs into Samuel, who makes him king in full blown “Kung Fu Panda” style.
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The “King of Israel can’t find his ass with both hands” joke is too easy, huh?
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So Sammy boy announces Sauls king-ness and everybody says, “Well, sure… he’s tall.”
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This chapter gets pretty gay pretty fast. Starts out with Samuel pouring oil on Saul while they make out. Then Samuel tells Saul to go meet two men in a graveyard who will give up those asses he’s been searching for. Just say, “I’m Saul, and I’m here to trap that ass.” And then it ends with Saul’s disappointed dad saying, “What shall I do about my son?” … Just another gay in the life.
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And then chapter 10 closes off with a quick “Meanwhile” aside: Meanwhile, there was an evil Ammonite king that was gouging out the right eye of all the Reubenites and Gadites.
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Then the Ammonite king attacks Jabesh-Gilead and the people try to make peace with him and they say “Alright, evil king, what are your terms?” and he replies, “I want to poke all of your right eyes out. It’s kind of my thing.” So they think about it and say, “Give us a week.”
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And when Saul hears about this, he gets so pissed he hacks his oxen to death and then mails chunks of them around the country because, as we’ve seen before, chopped up bits of dead thing sent UPS is the best way to rally Jews.
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Some of the Jews must have got the package late though, right? Guy walks into the kitchen with his right eye in his hand: “Honey, did you forget to give me this decomposing hoof we got in the mail yesterday? Cause I thought we all agreed to the gouge plan, and here I can plainly half-see that you still have both your eyes. Kind of an important message.”
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So they defeat the Ammonite king that seems to have shown up for no reason but to give Saul an ass to kick.
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So here’s Chapter 12 in nine words: “Whose house? God’s house! Said whose house? God’s house!”
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So now Saul is feeling big-dicked so he says, fuck it, let’s wipe out all the Philistines, which would have been fine, but he fucked up some ritual animal slaughter minutia so god abandoned him.
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And just when you’re thinking, “Hey, this book isn’t too bad”, chapter 14 brings us more genocide and some divine retribution for honey eating.
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Yeah. It all starts when Saul’s son Jonathon and his gay lover provoke a war.
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But Saul curses anyone who eats that day and nobody tells Johnny, so he eats a drop of honey (off the spear he’s been killing people with) and for that he’s sentenced to (almost) die… Then the army feasts on sheep sushi.
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In chapter 15 god puts that whole “all-knowing” thing to rest once and for all when he starts regretting making Saul king.
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Right, and why does he regret it? Because when he tells Saul to wipe out all the Amalekites, he keeps a few of the cattle alive. And that’s the last straw dammit.
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No surprise that Saul isn’t exactly anxious to give back supreme authority so he tells Samuel to fuck off. Then god commands Samuel to go find David and anoint him king.
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So now Saul’s tormented by evil spirits and his servants say, “You know what helps with evil spirits? Lyre-playing. And you know who absolutely wails on a lyre? David.” Coincidence, or terrible literary foreshadowing?
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David could finger a liar better than Martha Stewart’s cell mate. Better than Lance Armstrong’s giving himself a steroid suppository. He could finger a liar better than a Jewish witness at the Nuremberg Trials.
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David goes to pluck Saul’s lyre and apparently he’s quite nimble indeed so Saul keeps him on to (ahem) carry his armor, wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more.
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Well if you mean “make David his gay sex slave that he would later share with his son and daughter”, then yes, I know exactly what you mean.
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Then we get David and Goliath, where, spoiler alert, David kills Goliath with a slingshot. And even though you know exactly what’s coming, it still manages to disappoint you. They spend 40 days throwing down epic biblical shit talk and then David pulls his pansy-assed Dennis the Menace coup de grace.
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Now Saul’s worried that David will take his job, so he makes him his right hand man, tries to spear him a couple times, sells him his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins and asks his son Jonathan to kill him.
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You always hear people using the phrase “back of dicks” rhetorically. But at some point this guy was very literally carrying a fairly sizable bag of dicks. Because David got cocky, and came back with two hundred foreskins. Probably grabbed entire dicks first, then did the individual brisses later.
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“This is only 199.” … “Those 2 are stuck together.”
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Meanwhile, David’s kicking ass left and right. His armies are whipping way more Philistine ass than anybody else’s so Saul gets even more jealous…
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Yeah they even wrote a song about how David was an order of magnitude better at genocide than Saul. Nobody likes to hear they’re less good at murdering other races, by such a large margin.
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So after the third or fourth time Saul tries to spear David, he says “You know, I think this guy who keeps lunging at me spear first is trying to kill me,” and he escapes.
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So he finds Samuel and they get together and cast some kind of frenetic nakedness spell so that anybody who tries to come to get David strips and falls into a “prophetic frenzy”… not sure what that means, but it sounds fun.
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In chapter 20 I’m pretty sure we confirm that David and Saul’s son Jonathan were gay lovers, just in case the butt sex scenes were ambiguous.
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So David finds a priest and asks him for some bread. He says he doesn’t have normal bread, but he does have a little magical abstinence bread.
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“Hello random Zelda apothecary, selling exactly the items I might need. Got any food for celibate fugitives, and maybe a mythical weapon, ideally formerly owned by my legendary vanquished nemesis? You have Honzo swords too? Wicked!”
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So David gathers an army of 400 malcontents and then Saul kills some priests.
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Chapter 23 is basically a montage episode. Saul continues to be an asshole, still trying to kill David for banging his son. Also, David bangs his son again.
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So David and his men are hiding in a cave. Saul and his men are closing in on them. Saul steps into a cave to take a shit and it just so happens to be the cave David and his men are in.
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Yeah, but David can’t bring himself to kill Saul because he loves him so much, so he just fires his gun in the air and goes “Argh!”… or the biblical equivalent thereof.
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What kind of crazy intense shit was he taking, that he didn’t notice another entire human being standing next to him, sawing off a square of his clothing?!?
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And then Samuel dies. There’s still 6 chapters and a whole other book named after this dude, and he doesn’t even have the decency to live through them.
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Then David sends his men to some rich dude to ask for bread. He tells them to fuck off so David has god kill him and then he takes the dude’s wife.
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…and another wife. Plus he already had a wife.
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And Saul makes a feeble attempt at spiting David: “You think you can fuck me, fuck my son, then buy my daughter for a bag of dicks? Well I sold her to another dude while you were gone, and I’m keeping the dicks as a security deposit.”
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And in 26 we learn that the authors liked chapter 24 so much that they did it again two chapters later… and in a field instead of a cave. And Saul was sleeping instead of shitting. But other than that it’s the same.
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Yeah, David’s supposed to be the protagonist here, but he’s making the mistakes of a Bond villain … or Daffy Duck. Shoot him now or wait till you get home?!? Always shoot him now! Otherwise chapter 27 happens, and that’s the last thing a Jewish guy wants to do.
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Chapter 27: David hides in Palestine for 16 months…
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Then the Philistines amass a huge army, Saul all like, “God, what do I do?” but God won’t answer or return his texts or anything.
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And then we get our first biblical seance, which, if I’m not mistaken and I probably am, is the first real mention of an afterlife in this whole book. Strange that it wouldn’t have been an emphasis to this point…
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Yeah, you knew Samuel was gonna Obi-Wan Kenobi his way back into the story.
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Right, so the ghost of Sammy boy shows up to tell Saul he’s fucked.
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–
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Then you get some Typical bible stuff . . . Rape, plunder, evil Amalekites, village pillaged, so everyone’s pissed and starts yelling at David. He says, “Everybody shut up, I know what to do. Bring me . . . The Prayer Smock.” So he wears the ephod apron thing, and god tells him they’ll succeed in recovering their rape victims, and might even get some 50 shekel checks out of the whole ordeal.
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And in the proto-Empire Strikes Back ending, this book wraps up with Saul falling in battle along with all his heirs, the Israelite armies getting massacred and the promised land falling into enemy hands.
Damn do I hope 2 Samuel doesn’t have Ewoks.
Well I guess we’ll find out that and more on the next installment of “The Holy Babble”. Until then, thanks again Heath, Lucinda.
Outro
Before we put a lid on this thing tonight, I wanted to make a quick announcement that should be accompanied by a chorus of angelic trumpets, we did get the CafePress shop up and running this weekend. It’s a little messy in there but when I find some time this weekend we’ll be getting it organized. We’ve got the lovely scarlet A logo slapped on everything from Tshirts to iPhone covers to shot glasses to Christmas ornaments to bumper stickers so you can show your filthy monkey heritage with pride. We’ll be adding new products and t-shirt designs throughout the season so be on the look out for that.
You’ll find a link to our online shop on the homepage or you can cut out the middleman and go straight to “CafePress (dot) com (slash) scathingatheist”.
I also wanted to make a quick correction to last week’s calendar section. I mentioned the upcoming and stupendously awesome Skepticon but I said it was going to be in Springfield, Illinois. I fucked that up. It’s Springfield, Missouri, not Springfield Illinois… it’s also not Springfield, Florida or Springfield, Kentucky. Or Springfield, South Dakota. Or Springfield, Oregon, Tennessee, Michigan, Minnesota, Ohio, Georgia, Massachusetts or Nebraska, all of which actually exist but aren’t the city where Skepticon 6 is going to be. It’ll be in Springfield, Missouri, so know your Springfields and sorry that I didn’t.
I also wanted to add a quick addition to last week’s calendar if you’re going to be in the San Antonio area on November 12th you can catch Executive Director of the Council for Secular Humanism Tom Flynn at an event sponsored by the San Antonio Coalition of Reason and the Freethought Association of Central Texas (great acronym, by the way). You’ll find links to the the event page on the shownotes for this episode.
Need to very quickly thank the many people who make this podcast possible every week. Huge thanks to Heath, Lucinda and, of course, Sam for providing this week’s Farnsworth Quote.
Oh, and a huge thanks to everybody who Tweeted (at) Ricky Gervais trying to get a Farnsworth quote out of him. No response yet, but keep up the good work. You’ll be rewarded for it in the no-afterlife.
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most irreplaceable expressions of genetic code, Michael, Mike, Josh, Ryan and Matthew. Michael, whose blood is so pure mosquitoes cut it with baking soda; Mike, whose mind is so sharp it splits neutrinos; Josh, whose wisdom is so great that he reeled at the thought of splitting neutrinos; Ryan, whose penis is so massive it bends light and Matthew, whose confidence is so great he doesn’t need any of my over-the-top platitudes.
These five fine fellow freethinkers have gone above and beyond the high water mark of human decency this week by giving us money. Not everyone has the compassion, the integrity and the raw sexual magnetism required to give us money, but if you think you can handle the enormous pressure such heroic acts often entail, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And you should really donate because we just found out our cat has diabetes and Lucinda’s pretty bummed about it and people giving her money makes her happy.
And unfortunately we’re out of time so I can’t remind you to give the show a 5 star review on iTunes, like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on You-Tube, listen to us on Stitcher and tell your friends about us, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have time to tell you that stuff next week.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 35 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Noah Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited out due to time constraints)
Warning:
Warning, this podcast contains explicit language. And we’re talking really explicit. In fact, I’m gonna use the F word at the end of this sentence and if you don’t like it, go tell someone who gives a fuck.
Sponsor:
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Ivory Tower Atheist Soap
Splattered with the blood of a savior while performing a routine zealot crucifixion? Roped into church by your significant other, and can’t get rid of that self-righteous asshole smell? Hands covered in sauteed baby grease again?
Well try Ivory Tower Atheist Soap, because bullshit stains on the just and the unjust alike. Now available in an extra strength anti-Bapterial formula.
And now, the Scathing Atheist
Intro:
It’s Thursday,
It’s October 17th,
And Oprah’s a fat whore, even for a white woman.
I’m Noah Lugeons,
I’m Heath Enwright,
And from perpetually parading New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
In this week’s episode:
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We’ll praise Lesus, our Jord and savior,
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A homeopath will commit suicide by cutting off his pinky toe,
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And what’s-his-name from Thomas and the Bible will join us to talk scripture.
But first, the diatribe…
Diatribe
It seems like atheists can point out how silly Christians are all day and we just get called assholes. But as soon as you call out Muslims, you’re an “Islamaphobic”. It’s not that you think a murderous, child raping, illiterate warlord isn’t worth adulation. It’s not that you think stories about flying horses should be reserved for kids and bronies. It’s not that you think people worshipping a meteorite is insane. Hell, if you read the Guardian you could be forgiven for thinking “Islamaphobic” was Richard Dawkins’ official title.
So let’s examine that word. As my spellcheck will readily tell you, it’s not a really a word, but even if it was, it would have no practical application. Because the suffix “phobia” refers to an irrational fear. If you’re swimming through shark infested waters and there’s a fin and an ominous two-note theme song following behind you, you’re not selachophobic, you’re rational… and edible.
And before anybody goes accusing me of equating Muslims with terrorists, I should point out that you don’t have to be a de facto terrorist for your Muslimness to scare the fuck out of me. Is the Saudi judge that sentenced the rape victim to 200 lashes for getting raped a “terrorist”? Is the Yemeni guy who raped his 8 year old bride to death on their wedding night a “terrorist”? Is every member of the government in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Malaysia, the UAE and Mauritania a terrorist? Because they all terrify the fuck out of me.
Now I’ll readily admit that Islam isn’t the only major world religion that calls for the ultimate extermination of everybody who worships a different god. It’s a common theme so it’s not fair to single Muslims out for that one. It’s okay to point out that it’s batshit crazy, but it’s not batshit crazy for a religion. That being said, I think it’s fair to point out that they have the best infidel massacring infrastructure. And if you doubt that, draw a few cartoons of Jesus sucking off Moses while Buddha takes him in the ass and then watch nobody kill you.
So what’s irrational about being scared? Keep in mind that I live in New York City. If you average it out over the last fifteen years, New Yorkers are statistically more likely to be killed by Muslim terrorists flying airplanes into skyscrapers than car accidents or firearms. So how the hell is Islamaphobia a phobia?
The only thing irrational about it is restricting your fear to Muslims. Right now Scientologists are just a bunch of goofy alien worshipping nut-tards, but I’m willing to bet if Scientologists took over a nation’s government, they’d suddenly become damn scary.
See, it’s not Muslims that scare me, it’s religious people with armies. And Christians aren’t immune to this crazy shit, they’re just generally confined to countries that won’t put them in charge of the nuclear arsenal.
But consider the blathering schizophrenic homeless subway dweller tirade Michele Bachmann went on last week where she stammered about leaves on fig trees and the end being nigh and then capped off the incoherent blubbering by talking about how awesome it was that the world was about to end because it means her magical hippy-Jew can’t be far behind.
This isn’t some crazy guy waving a posterboard sign scrawled with his own feces on 146th street. This is a member of congress. This is a person who, at one point, led the goddamn polls for the Republican nomination for president AFTER a debate! This is a person who gets to vote on whether or not we go to war. A sane person wouldn’t trust this woman to keep the cat out of their macaroni while they took a shit, but religious people are okay with her writing their laws! Our laws!
Look, I’m no more terrified by a country controlled by a crazy ayatollah than I am by a country controlled by a crazy evangelical. And their are plenty of crazy American evangelicals pushing for a theocracy… many from inside the elected government.
There is no greater threat to liberty, peace and progress than theocracy. And right now the Muslims just happen to leading the leading the race when it comes to dismantling rational governments and replacing them with genocidal scripture. There’s nothing at all irrational about fearing that.
Headlines
Joining me for headlines tonight is a guy who is at least slightly less hateful than he often sounds, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to moderately exaggerate your distaste for humanity?
Well considering the subject of the first story, I won’t be exaggerating.
Ooh… nice tease.
In our lead story tonight, Supreme Court justice – and Stephen Colbert whipping boy – Antonin Scalia revealed in a recent interview that he believes Beelzebub the Prince of Darkness is a real person.
It’s Alito, isn’t it?
When asked about the complete lack of evidence to justify this assinine-itude, he responded, (quote) “Well if you’re gonna go by evidence…” He then went on to point out that the whole thing with being the devil, is appearing NOT to exist. The same logic applies to asserting the existence of everything that doesn’t exist, but Catholics like Scalia don’t let being blatantly wrong, stand in their way of being right.
A quality that also comes in handy when you’re a conservative Supreme Court justice.
Basically, this guy’s opinion comes from Usual Suspects movie character, Keyser Soze, who was actually quoting a character in a poem by Charles Baudelaire. Granted, basing one’s worldview on 19th century French poetry is much more reasonable and up-to-date than using the bible . . . But it’s still not quite as realistic as we’d hope from one of the nine most powerful legal decision-makers in the country.
Let’s take a quick look at the line of logic here . . .
Premise 1: A fictional character from a fictional movie universe, quoted a fictional character from a fictional poetry universe, who said: “You guys don’t see that imperceptible demon guy?”
Premise 2: Satan is real.
So working backwards, Satan is real, and it occurs to me we don’t even need premise one.
And perhaps most frightening of all is the fact that he apparently had no idea that this was an insane thing to say. When the flabbergasted reporter says something to the tune of “fucking what?” Justice the Hutt gets all incredulous and asks her “What ivory tower do you live in where you can’t comprehend a grown, educated human being believing in a bedtime story meant to dissuade kids from stroking their junk.
What he was saying would have been ridiculous, if he didn’t at least throw us that compliment when he pointed out that we atheists probably aren’t Satan’s minions. So that was nice. I can finally check off “Justice Scalia’s approval” from my bucket list.
Yeah, it’s nice to probably not be Satan’s minion. Thanks for throwing us a bone. You’re probably not Satan’s minion either, your honor.
But then he ruins the tender moment by going on to say that disbelief in God (quote) “certainly favors the devil’s desires.” So you can see why I pity drafted this guy in my celebrity death pool. There’s nobody else I’d rather see die before January 20, 2017, but I know he’s gonna fucking live. It was like drafting Aaron Hernandez for fantasy football, just cause you’re a big Patriots fan.
Scalia says atheism “favors the devil’s desires”: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/07/scalia-says-satan-is-a-real-person/
And in the “Everybody was Kung Jew Fighting” file tonight, we turn to a story that wouldn’t be funny at all if the people involved didn’t have curly sideburns and goofy little hatlets. Two ass-kicking rabbis face charges of kidnapping and assault after allegedly starting a business kidnapping and assaulting.
I’m sure it was kosher assault . . . But seriously, the Jewish people won’t be able to continue being loved the world over, if they keep this shit up. America is no place for absurd religious beliefs that lead to insane criminal acts, unless you have a note from Jesus. Did these rabbis, by any chance, have a note from the savior their tribe murdered? No?
No, but give them two days and I’m sure they can beat one out of him. But up to this point, they’ve been restricting their attacks to Orthodox men who refused to give their wives a “get”, which is basically a human bill of sale that grants a woman a divorce. And despite the fact that divorcing an orthodox Jewish woman should be its own reward, some Jewish men are sexist, vindictive assholes. Which is where Shlomo and the Chhhhammer come in.
So the rabbi could declare the divorce and stop having the congregation shame the whore-wife… Or he could torture the husband into giving the “get”? And he goes with the torture?!?
So the “get rule” is set in stone, but rules about whether it’s bad to kidnap and torture . . . Those are gray areas with lots of midrash?!? (Which sounds like a diagnosis by a geriatric gynecologist.)
According to the FBI, the two would cover the victim’s heads in a plastic bag and torture them with a cattle prod and karate until they would agree to grant the get. And as fucked up as that is, I find myself siding with the cattleprod wielding ninja jews. Because, first of all, it’s a hilarious mental image; but more importantly, the stupid, fucked up, prehistoric morality these asswipes cling to makes it all but impossible for a divorced woman to lead a normal life in the community until her ex-husband says so.
Rabbis planned to kidnap husbands and force divorces: http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/10/10/rabbis-plotted-to-kidnap-husbands-force-divorces-fbi-says/
In “justified filicide” news, a Hindu man murdered his infant son by striking him twice on the neck with an axe. Which just goes to show you, Hindu men are not very coordinated. His defense lawyer plans to argue that conviction would be a violation of the free exercise of murderous religious beliefs clause.
Yeah, just in case you thought making jokes about torturing jews with cattleprods was the lowest we were going tonight, here’s a story about a man murdering an 8 month old with an axe. I wonder if we can somehow parlay this into an abortion joke…
Nobody pivots to abortion better than Noah Lugeons . . .
Speaking of which, while crafting a response to this horrific event, one atheist podcaster wrote, “Fuck – At least we’re just killing fetuses . . . I’m not comparing the Hindu goddess Kali’s stance on murdering children, to my atheist stance on murdering bundles of undifferentiated cells that nobody loves . . . But Hinduism is clearly worse here. My abortions can beat up your infant sacrifices.”
Hindu man sacrifices 8 month old to god: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/10/12/hindu-man-brutally-murders-8-month-old-son-as-a-sacrifice-to-goddess-kali/
And in “The Father, the Son and That Other Fella” news tonight, the Vatican has recalled more than 6000 medals that were issued to commemorate the pontificate of Pope Fransylvania six-five thousand.
As if selling indulgences isn’t enough, now the Vatican’s literally minting their own money?!? Why not just give the gold straight to the rape victims, right away … on the nightstand like a proper gospel John.
The medal contained an image of the new muppet-pope on the front and an image of St. Matthew talking to some dude named Lesus. Or at least, that’s how he’s identified on the misspelled inscription that prompted the recall.
“Does the name of our lord and savior look right to you? Will you have the intern go check on JexisNexis if it’s Jesus, or Lesus. Tell him not to fuck it up this time, or we’ll keep treating him exactly how you’d imagine a Vatican intern gets treated.”
“Yo soy- Ego sum Lay-Zeus! All other gods must bow before, Lay-Zeus! For those of you who don’t Joquar Jatine, Lay-Zeus is Jatin for . . . The Zeus.”
While I can think of no more appropriate way to commemorate the current pontificate than issuing something that has to immediately be retracted, the Vatican is acting like they got caught with their hand in a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.
Vatican misspells Jesus: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/10/vatican-jesus-medal_n_4080403.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
Moving on to “pork-free telecom” news . . . Israel has sanctioned a kosher-certifed cell phone service. The new product is obviously called the Adonai-Phone, and will be sold at Adam’s Apple Stores Jewish-nationwide. However, one of what must be many, conservative theocratic governing bodies in Israel, the Rabbinical Committee for Communications, mandated that subscribers be blocked from using the normal pre-installed rape and mental crisis hotlines.
Before we move on, allow me to restate exactly what you just said in my “you’ve-gotta-be-fucking-kidding-me” voice: “They mandated that subscribers be blocked from using pre-installed rape and mental crisis hotlines!”
When you block stuff that helps with rape and insanity, it’s really hard not to jump straight to the allegation that Judaism is fully aware of being an unsolicited mind fuck . . . with some real rape built in somewhere too. When asked for a response to this accusation, Judaism texted me back, saying: “Well we wouldn’t use those exact words, but we certainly can’t have those numbers on speed dial. We’re trying to run a business here!”
“Do you have a phone that will also tell my wife she’s a useless bitch and nobody loves her? How about one that smacks her if she tries to think?”
So I read this story several times over, and I’m still trying to figure out the kosher stance here . . . Maybe some obscure torah verse that technically makes Microsoft bloatware and other built-ins against the rules? But even then, it’s just the rape and mental illness lines they targeted. What good intentions could be behind blocking those two things only?
Yeah, equally disturbing is the guy in some boardroom who said, “So you’ll buy the phones as long as we disable the rape hotline? Both the male and female rape hotlines? Sounds reasonable to me, sure.”
“What’s that you’re buying? Candy, KY jelly, and a van? . . . And some bullets? . . . Isn’t Walmart great?!? I’m sure there’s a perfectly good, unrapey reason for those purchases.”
“You know, I’m just curious, of course, not that I’m gonna do it or anything, but does this Pez Dispenser work with roofies?”
Kosher phones block emergency numbers for sexual assault victims: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-4431017,00.html
That’ll do it for headlines tonight, Heath, thanks as always.
Catchphrase, exclamation mark.
And when we come back, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible will join us to explain how he managed to get top billing over the inerrant word of god.
Outro
Before we put it in park for the night I want to take a second to congratulate our friends Frank and Dan over at the “Thank God I’m Atheist” podcast for reaching the 100 episode milestone. I’m only now starting to comprehend exactly how much work goes into hitting that mark so a very well-deserved shout out to two guys fighting the good fight in the belly of the beast.
And just so that none of the math-geeks email us to tell me that the number 100 is ultimately meaningless, I’m also gonna congratulate our friend George Hrab from the Geologic podcast on his 334th episode as well.
Oh… and we’ve got the finalized logo, the correct file sizes and the whole nine at this point so if I don’t have some merch available for you by Saturday night I’ve got nobody to blame for it but myself. We’re really, really close to having T-shirts and other as-yet-undetermined shwag so look for that in the coming days. We’ll be shouting ceaselessly about it on the Facebook page, the Twitter feed and, of course, the blog at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. But don’t worry, there will still be plenty of time to get grandma a Scathing Atheist T-Shirt for Christmas.
I gotta toss out one more quick thanks to Thomas for hanging out tonight. I wasn’t kidding about his podcast kicking ass but if you don’t believe me, you’ll find proof in the form of a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.
http://www.thomasandthebible.com/
I also need to thank Heath, of course, for somehow continuing to be that damn funny every week, I need to thank Lucinda for lending us a snippet of her lovely voice, I need to thank Cameron from the Cam’s world (dot) de podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. His is a newer podcast that promotes scientific skepticism in the world of sports, so definitely a mission I can get behind 100% and don’t let the (dot) DE fool you, it’s in English. You’ll find it linked on the shownotes as well.
http://camsworldde.libsyn.com/
But most of all, of course, we need to thank this week’s most essential anthropoids; William, David, Richard and Crouchy. William, whose intellectual strength is too great to measure in anything but raw horsepower; David, whose ninja reflexes are the envy of photons everywhere; Richard, whose illustriousness will almost certainly lead to his first name being the only one to ever be officially retired and Crouchy, whose behemoth genitals have to be factored into meteorological equations.
These four exemplary individuals have proved themselves to probably not be the minions of Satan this week by giving us money. Only the most heroic, high-minded, Herculean and harmonious heathens have the heart to give us money, but if you think you share William, David, Richard and Crouchy’s commitment to complimentary adjectives that start with H, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help us out but you spent all your money on the finer hookers in life, you can always help us out a ton by leaving us a glowing 5-star review on iTunes and/or telling somebody about the show and nagging them until they listen to it.
That’s all the blasphemy we’ve got for you next week, but we’ll be back in 168 hours with more. If you can’t wait that long, be sure to pop over to the website, look for the “extras” tab on the top of the page and get your required dose of bonus scatheism. And of course, check us out on all those social media sites and stuff and listen to us on Stitcher just in case.
If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 33 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons
(Note: Transcript contains some material that was edited out of the final episode due to time constraints)
Sponsor
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And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday, it’s October 3rd, and Congressional Republicans just threw the Risk board off the table in a tantrum, took their ball, and went home.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from NFL-level football teamless New York, New York this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode…
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We’ll learn that Muslim culture, as portrayed in 90’s action movies, is entirely accurate.
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A Kansas teacher will be accused of mandatory atheist prayer, after assigning students to write a letter to the President.
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Russia finally gets Coke, Betamax and de facto anti-Muslim legislation.
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And CWebb from CWebb’s Sunday School will join us to give the Scathing Atheist a little hip-hop cred.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe
You know, I might have been the only person walking out of the Eugene O’Neil theater on Saturday night saying, “Don’t get me wrong, Book of Mormon was hilarious, but I wish it had been a little less pro-religion.”
Lucinda and I finally got around to seeing it this past weekend and yes, it’s every bit as good as everybody says it is. The dialogue was hilarious, the songs were phenomenal, the dance numbers were spectacular, the story was solid and they spent essentially the entire two hours mercilessly lampooning one of the most ridiculous cults America has yet to produce.
And still, I’m gonna bitch at that show for being too damn nice to religion.
I’m not gonna fault Matt and Trey. They had a message they wanted to send and they expressed it brilliantly. I just profoundly disagree with the message. See, like most pop-refutations of religiosity, they toss religion a huge bone at the end of this thing. After we spend ninety minutes learning how insane a person would have to be to take Mormon dogma seriously, we learn that it’s okay to believe patently absurd things, as long as they inspire us to do good and work together.
Ultimately, that’s the moral of the story.
It reminds me of another one of my favorite comedic excoriations of religion, Kevin Smith’s 99 dick and fart joke classic Dogma. We spend the whole movie lambasting Catholic mythology, but Chris Rock’s character encapsulates this same ridiculous cop out about halfway through the film when he says, “It’s not important what you have faith in, just that you have faith.”
Now, when you break it down like that, it’s pretty clearly that we’re dealing with batshit lunacy. That statement could be used to justify any psychotic delusion you could imagine and yet it’s presented within the movie as the soft-pedaling endorsement of religion. In Book of Mormon the main character overcomes his crisis of faith by realizing that it doesn’t matter if the stories are bullshit as long as they help people to live a better life.
I don’t know if Trey Parker, Matt Stone or Kevin Smith actually believe that. I suppose it’s possible that they’re just trying to make their story a bit more palatable to a majority religious audience. It might be that a hard atheist message is tantamount to killing the dog in American entertainment. After all, you can’t have 80% of your audience walking out knowing that they were the ones you’d been making fun of the whole time.
But ultimately it’s a profoundly stupid concept. It’s like saying “I’d love the forest if it weren’t for all the damn trees”. It’s like saying the gun had nothing to do with the bullet.
Sure, the specific tenets of any religion are stupid. I think even religious people admit that at this point. But they cling to that misguided notion that it doesn’t matter because the results are positive. Sure, they’re not universally positive… but their religion is positive right now in their lives. How can that be a bad thing?
Of course, our cream-of-the-crop atheist listeners already know the answer to this question, but I’m gonna spell it out anyway:
Thinking is important.
Thinking isn’t as easy as some people seem to think it is. The very fact that we use the term “common sense” as anything but an example of an oxymoron is plenty of proof of that. Critically examining a question isn’t something that comes to us innately. You have to learn how to do it.
And of course, a religious worldview stand in the way of all of that. It’s not enough to have the right answer if you got there the wrong way. If you think the only reason it isn’t okay to murder people and take their shit is because god said so, you’re a dangerous motherfucker. To use an example from Book of Mormon, if you think the only reason not to fuck a baby is because Joseph Smith might turn you into a lesbian, that’s not enough.
The problem isn’t this silly belief or that one. It’s the method they use to get there. You can believe any insane, detrimental shit you want, but if you used reason to get there, I can reason you back out. I can show you where you fucked up your chain of logic. But there’s no way to faith you back from the ledge.
Religion forces you to relinquish critical thought. It can’t be arrived at through empirical means and it can’t stand up to logical evaluation so it has to. That’s a prerequisite to faith. Hell, that’s the definition of faith. It’s a damn shame this doesn’t go without saying, but anything that forces us to stop using our brains is a bad thing but especially when the thing that’s asking us not to use our brains is trying to tell us right from wrong.
Headlines
Joining me for headlines tonight is equal opportunity scather, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to offend a new demographic right here in the opening of the segment?
How the fuck are the Mayans keeping their appointments organized, these last nine months? My friend from Belize is always confused. Talking about, “the thing, with the guy, in the place, on the day”
Okay, mildly offensive…
Don’t worry, it gets worse.
In our lead story tonight, a Kansas anti-evolution group is suing the state board of education on the grounds that teaching evolution promotes a religious belief. Yes, they’re suing because evolution is too religious.
So the church . . . is trying to tell the state . . . that they aren’t maintaining a proper separation of church and state?!? There’s a solid headline in there somewhere . . .
“Church not in Kansas anymore, after accidentally invoking First Amendment and getting separated from state.”
The lobbyists in question go by the bullshit flavored moniker “Citizens for Objective Public Education” and they’re suing to block the board from implementing a uniform science curriculum called “Next Generation Science”, but this group would be pissed if it was “Eight generations ago science”, as we’ve had this evolution thing for a while now.
Do they want a state-by-state thing?
“Evolution is real, and cigarettes cause cancer, but so far only in California.”
What if we compromise, and split it right down the middle? Science gets to determine the science curriculum in this life, and the church can decide on the curriculum for the afterlife.
Sounds fair to me. They get way more time that way, right? But according to John Calvert, the attorney defending perpetual stupidity, (quote) “The state’s job is simply to say to students, ‘How life arises continues to be a scientific mystery and there are competing ideas about it’ (end quote and theoretical in-quote quote).
That’s why all gynecologists are trained in human birth, but also stork wrangling . . .
Just in case the stork thing doesn’t continue never happening.
Yeah… who the hell are teachers to teach students stuff about things?
Also, evolution isn’t a wild stab by Darwin at how life arises. It’s a proven explanation of how living things that existed, reproduced other new living things that existed. It has nothing to do with cosmic life origins. If everyone would please turn to page zero, also known as the cover, we can all see that it’s not called Origin of Life, it’s called Origin of Species.
Au contraire, according to the lawsuit learning about evolution (quote) “…cause[s] students to embrace a non-theistic worldview” Now, this is something of an undercurrent to everything we say on this show, but I think from time to time we have to just stop and bask in the stupidity of the war they’re fighting. When Christians realize that learning about reality makes you stop believing in Christianity, their solution is to stop people from learning about reality.
Kansas Christian group sues to remove evolution from curriculum on the grounds that it is a religious belief: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/27/kansas-evolution-lawsuit_n_4005717.html
Moving on to inter-national thought crime news, Sudan’s Top 10 Most Wanted list has a new number one. The dangerous fugitive is implicated in a crime spree during which she turned in her library card, got a new license, and stopped being Muslim. Nahla Mamoud – a Sudanese woman and naturally also a Muslim apostate – had her life threatened by UK politician and big Islam fan, Salah al Bandar.
I think the most fucked up thing about this story was the response from the Metropolitan Police Department, which basically said, “oh, death threats never hurt anyone” and even suggested that investigating Al Bandar might anger him further and lead to more passionate fatwa activity. So apparently they’re willing to overlook an occasional death threat from an Islamist because you know Muslims and their silly fatwas…
Crazy old scalawags … hair tussle, shoulder punch …
Being Muslim and therefore having no choice in the matter, Bandar led something known as a ‘takfir’ campaign against Mahmoud. Takfir is an Arabic word that means something similar to “excommunication” plus “we-have-to-kill-you-now”.
Oh. So then what does Allah Akbar mean then?
Well I was watching Air Force One, and it seemed like “Allah Akbar” means “I’m a Muslim evil henchman, and my bosses are hijacking this plane.”
… Oh I get it… people watching Air Force One… that’s good. How many more times the Muslims are gonna make it this easy on us? “What? She said Muslims were intolerant of the opinions of women!? Kill that bitch!”
The “bitch they wish to kill” has been advised by police that her best legal recourse would be to stop existing, because it angers Muslims, and would help avoid a murder, including a bunch of annoying paperwork.
Well, she does have a vagina…
Obviously Muslims aren’t all terrorists, but . . . traditional sharia law really does call for execution of apostates. Sure, the sloppier progressive Muslim theocracies have eased that back to mere amputation. But they don’t specify amputation of what, so I imagine they have a spinning wheel like The Price is Right. The Slice is Right.
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“BEEP, BOP, BOOP–Clitoris.”
New article on Sudanese Apostate cut from last week: http://freethoughtblogs.com/maryamnamazie/2013/09/28/statement-on-the-takfir-campaign-against-activist-nahla-mahmoud/
And in the “Goddamn Blasphemy Laws” file tonight, a Russian judge has ruled that a popular translation of the Koran should be banned for violation of the nation’s law against extremist materials. Muslim leaders are predictably outraged by the notion that a book that calls for the murder of 76.8% of the world’s population and endorses child rape is extreme and vow to brutally murder anybody who says it is.
These outraged religious leaders of which you speak . . . I can’t picture it . . .
They’re usually all about “gray areas” and “reasonable compromise” . . . Weird . . .
But these angry outliers are saying extremist literature is okay, because of some sort of free exercise, “Belief in Santa” clause.
Well, I guess that’s what they get for having the one holy book that endorses horrible shit.
Their argument is that extremist messages are only safe in the hands of brainwashed masses of fanatically faithful idiots? It’s the disorganized secular jihobbyists that can’t be trusted with understanding allegory? Really?!?
Now I think it’s important to note that basically every Russian official except this one redneck judge is backing away from the ruling and there’s no way that it’ll stick, but Russia’s bigot-class was quick to embrace the ruling. Guy-with-unpronounceable-Russian-name, who was speaking on behalf of political-party-with-equally-unpronounceable-name applauded the decision and even extended the entirely non-racist offer to pay for the deportation of Muslims who didn’t like it.
And the Muslims who did like it, get a paid vacation. So it’s not bigoted at all . . . All the Muslims are being treated equally different.
Obviously, we here at the Scathing Atheist would never support the banning of any book, but we’d especially oppose the banning of a book as insane as the Koran. If the Holy Babble segment has taught us anything it’s this: the most powerful weapon against a religion is its own holy book.
Russian court bans the Koran for being extremist: http://freethinker.co.uk/2013/09/27/russian-court-rules-that-a-translation-of-the-koran-is-extremist-and-orders-its-destruction/
In “South Asian Buddhist Redneck Islander” news, a Sri Lankan exorcist almost survived a botched evil spirit removal at a house outside Colombo. It should be noted that the only way to botch the removal of a spirit that doesn’t exist, is to die during the process, in which case you can’t proclaim success at the end . . . So that’s what this guy did.
I’m dying to hear how a person goes up against a figment of imagination and fails to a fatal degree. And by the way, full disclosure and all, it’s written on the script in front of me and I know exactly how it happened and I’m still dying to hear it out loud.
This particular magical spell called for, among other things, the exorcist to bury himself alive and then trust the onlookers to dig him out when he signalled them by thrusting a sword through the dirt.
Hard to imagine how this could go wrong…
Apparently he misread the recipe … it said sacrifice a whore, and he sacrificed a cat. And of course, when he buried himself alive, the dead cat didn’t prevent his suffocation the way the dead whore would have. After three hours, during which he was dying, and therefore unable to stab his sword up through the ground like he planned, the audience dug up his dead body. Classic blunder. Atheists get in trouble with dead whore scenarios all the time too, and let me tell you, it isn’t . . . something I know anything about.
So what you have here are a bunch of villagers watching this lump of sand saying “You know, don’t get me wrong, this is a solid trick, but it’s kind of boring. He could… you know, maybe stick his hands out of the dirt and juggle or something.” And after three fucking hours somebody says, “You know, not breathing for those first two hours and fifty nine minutes was impressive and all, but he can’t possibly hold it for three hours.”
I heard they attempted to bring him to the hospital, but the exorcist and the cat were pronounced dead by Schroedinger before they even started the ritual.
Sri Lankan exorcist kills cat, self: http://www.nst.com.my/latest/sri-lankan-man-dies-in-failed-exorcism-ritual-1.350008
And in “Stop in the Name of the Lord!” news tonight a police department in Montgomery, Alabama thinks they might have pinpointed the reason their murder rate is so high: Too few Alabamans know about that Jesus guy.
“Montgomery just aint been the same since that godless MLK guy started a-causin’ trouble.”
Because a high tech security system prevents him from physically rubbing his nut sack all over the Constitution, Corporal David Hicks of the Montgomery PD had to settle for the next best thing.
Lots of other Hicks would love to rub out their Hand-cock on the First Amendment too . . .
What was “next best” to that?
Under his direction, the department has instituted an official constabulary proselytization program that gives ministers express access to crime scenes so that they can evangelize to victims and perpetrators and people who are in otherwise vulnerable states of mind. And the best part is, it doesn’t cost a dime unless you’re an Alabama taxpayer.
I’ve said this before . . . They should really have their own schools. I know that phrase doesn’t go over well in Alabama, but religions really need to have their own schools, so that creationist kids can get a separate, but inferior education, like god intended.
In their defense, everyone in Alabama gets an inferior education.
Anyway, the program in question is modeled after similar programs in Ohio and perpetual Scathing Atheist whipping state Texas and is so insanely illegal that the Supreme Court should get to piss on the people who started it at some point. Not only is it clearly a state endorsement of a particular religion (and religion in general), but the costs of training and certifying the ministers is actually paid for out of the public coffers.
Alabama town fights crime with Jesus: http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/09/using-christianity-to-fight-crime/280038/
Our government may be getting too entangled with misogynistic major religions, but at least our legal system still guarantees something vaguely resembling gender equality. Our women can boast proudly that the United States is one of the world’s best places to be raped. Sadly, the same cannot be said for Saudi Arabia . . . It’s a bad place to get raped.
Like… the back seat of a Volkswagen?
Except for the mustache rides . . .
Seriously though, just a single count of ‘rape victim-ing’ can get you in big trouble, beyond just the evil spawn gestating inside of you. Sharia law seems to understand rape in the Hegelian dialectic sense, and therefore the victims are philosophically aiding and abetting the consent-impaired.
I know that I both should and shouldn’t make a transitional joke here or something…
One particular Saudi woman – a “convicted rape victim” – had her sentence of 90 lashings increased to 200 lashings plus six months in jail, because her lawyer told the world media that he was representing something called a “convicted rape victim”. Saudi Arabia points out . . . “Listen – we also convicted the seven rapists, and added to their sentence too. It’s not like we only punished the victim.”
Fuck… What do you say to another one of those preemptive wars we Americans seem to like so much? Fucking seriously. I feel like any group of human beings who can enforce a law that would punish a nineteen year old girl for being gang raped has rescinded their right to sovereignty. These backward-ass, prehistoric, sociopathic, misogynistic bastards aren’t qualified to judge an episode of Cupcake Wars.
Saudi Arabia is not a good place to get raped: http://freethinker.co.uk/2013/09/27/rape-victims-lashes-increased-because-her-lawyer-publicised-her-barbaric-sentence/
And from the “Sikh of Being Ignored” department, the American Sikh community was…
Wait, fuck that, I’ve gotta go back to that goddamn Saudi Arabian story… Seriously, if you asked me to just make up the worst, most horrible example of injustice I possibly could, I’d have fallen short of this shit. I mean, it’s plenty fucked up that they would whip a woman for willingly having sex outside of wedlock but for getting fucking raped!?
It just teaches the wrong lesson . . . Be slutty . . . Enjoy the gang rape. You don’t want women enjoying this horrific ordeal. What kind of message does that send?
Exactly. Because as fucked up as a law against being raped is, this is even worse in practice because what it amounts to is a law against reporting rape. It’s a disincentive for women to exercise even the insignificant fraction of rights they have in these anencephalous theocracies. Seriously. And think about how few rapes get reported even here where it’s legal. I mean, what rationale can they possibly use? Is the judge really walking away going, “Well that slut’ll think twice about getting brutally assaulted next time”?
One more unsolicited joke?
No.
And that means “NO” . . . not “yes, and bring six friends”.
Seriously, just hold off on the rape jokes for a second. I need two paragraphs to get this shit off my chest.
So you’re gonna say “get the shit off my chest” and I’m supposed to not make a Cleveland Steamer joke?
Yeah. Look, I know you have the whole complete lack of a moral compass thing to your sense of humor and I love it as much as the next guy, but I just need you to pump the brakes on it for a minute. Because this story is so demonically fucked up it’s important that we actually stop and reflect what exactly we’re talking about here.
I don’t want to pile on the gang rapejokes, but I really only get the occasional opportunity to-
Whoa! Think about it, we’re talking about a barely adult girl is brutally raped and then gets whipped bloody. As a punishment. 200 lashes? What the fuck!? Are we in the goddamn middle ages or something?
The funny thing about gang raping a girl with six buddies is that-
Shh…. save me the edit dude, there’s nothing funny about that.
Well if I never get to the punchline there’s no way to know how funny…
Sharia law my ass… it’s not fucking law. And this is not… it’s important to say, this is not a Muslim thing. This is a theocracy thing. Go watch the fucking fundie Christian preachers on YouTube and tell me these misogynistic asstards wouldn’t be sentencing rape victims to lashes if they could. “Well she wers wearing pants so she was askin’ for god to make her get raped.”
Okay, now can I tell one last rape joke?
Yeah, I’m done…
Would you rather be raped once by six buddies, or six times by one guy?
Ok that’s it, I’m ending the segment-
Six one, half dozen the other.
Sikhs demand (and get) removal of offensive Bin Laden Halloween costume: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/27/osama-bin-laden-halloween-costume_n_4005862.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
Alright, well now that I’m too pissed to be funny I guess that does it for the headlines. Now where’s my fucking bong? Fucking neanderthals… Anyway, Heath, thanks for joining me.
And when we come back we’ll do a bit that we recorded before I got so pissed off.
Pitch
Each year, nearly one hundred million children are inflicted with religion.
That’s more than three hundred thousand a day,
Fifteen thousand an hour,
Two hundred and fifty a minute,
Four a second,
Pi every 0.785 seconds.
This horrible mental disorder affects a child’s ability to reason, to interact socially… to experience guilt free orgasms.
In it’s early stages, religion can cause sweating, confusion, night terrors, cognitive dissonance, social anxiety and anal leakage.
And if left untreated, it can even lead to complete loss of cognitive function and sphincter function.
You won’t believe the shit that will come out of your ass, and your mouth.
Many victims end up needing an entire crock to store all the shit. But there is a way you can help alleviate this epidemic of oral defecation.
For the cost of just one bottle of single malt scotch a day, you can donate about fifty dollars a day. Or you could just donate the bottle each day.
And every dollar you donate to the Scathing Atheist goes directly toward fighting this horrible disease. Except the part that goes toward pizza.
…and single malt scotch.
The Scathing Atheist is one of the world’s oldest and most trusted New York based, anti-theistic, thirty minute, weekly, amateur, explicit, english language podcasts.
For almost years, we’ve been fighting against this dreadful affliction but we can’t do it without your financial support.
…well, I don’t know if “can’t” is the right word…
We’d rather not do it without your financial support.
And donating to the Scathing Atheist doesn’t just help us, it also helps you. Because if you don’t give the money to us, you’ll probably spend it on crack. Or maybe not, but you never know.
If they’ve got a crack guy, that’s where the money’s going.
So go to Scathing Atheist dot com, look for the donate button on the right side of the page and give until it hurts. Because I’m using my sad voice.
Outro
Huge thanks to C-Webb for letting us use the song there. The dude is as intelligent as he is talented and in addition to arranging biblical poems for rap, he also does a really well presented, well reasoned counter-apologetics podcast. If you want to check it out, and you almost certainly do, you’ll find a link to his homepage on the shownotes for this episode.
http://cwebbssundayschool.com/
And speaking of awesome podcasters whose podcasts you would almost certainly enjoy, I also need to thank Thomas from Thomas and the Bible for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. He’s been doing a really funny podcast for years now where he’s breaking the bible down verse by verse from an atheist perspective so if you like our Holy Babble segment but want a little more detail, you’ll find a link to his show on the shownotes as well. Can’t recommend it enough.
http://www.thomasandthebible.com/
I also want to thank everybody who responded to my call last week for more Farnsworth quotes. I have quite a stockpile now so if you sent me a soundclip, thank you. I will definitely use it, but it might take a minute to get through the backlog now.
I also wanted to toss out a quick plug for an atheist meet and mingle going on in Vegas on the weekend of October 18th. We don’t have enough time to spell out the details, but if you’re going to be in or around Vegas that weekend and it looks like a debaucherously good time. We’ll have a link to their Facebook page on the shownotes as well.
https://www.facebook.com/events/157814217717033/
One additional and important note; nominations for the People’s Choice Podcast Awards are going on right now and I’ve gotten several messages from people who wanted to let us know that they nominated us. We are, of course, absolutely flattered, but we’re actually not eligible for a Podcast Award this year. For whatever reason their rules stipulate that a podcast has to have started on or before January first of this year to be eligible so as much as we appreciate it, use your nomination wisely.
And before we power down tonight, I also need to thank Heath for being a really funny bastard and doing it on this show. I also need to thank Lucinda for helping us out with the little donation pitch this week, for putting up with all the time I spend on this podcast and for regularly having sex with me.
But most of all, we need to thank this week’s most important accumulations of molecules, Forrest, Ward, Shane, Tom, Ryan, Daniel and Marcel. Forrest, mighty slayer of dragons; Ward, tamer of beasts and women; Shane, friend to all the woodland critters; Tom, masked nunchaku master; Ryan, bain of the villainous; Daniel, grand and legendary conqueror; and Marcel, assassin of the gods.
Together these seven valiant warriors have earned their way into legend, myth and our archives by giving us money. And of course, if you’d like to join their illustrious ranks, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’re looking for a way to help but you work for the Federal Government and thus have no income at present, you can also help us out by leaving us a five star review on iTunes or wherever you found us. And if you need a little more Scatheism in your life, you can check us out on Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and our erratically published blog.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music except the awesome Joshua rap that was used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission. And I also had CWebb’s permission to use his awesome Joshua rap.
Episode 32 – Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright and Lucinda & Noah Lugeons
Sponsor
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new chain of confessional restaurants, Plenary Hollywood, where there’s truth in every booth and respite in every bite. Come in Tuesdays for half priced Absolution Vodka Martinis because drinking your problems away is every bit as effective as Catholicism.
And now, the Scathing Atheist.
Intro:
It’s Thursday, it’s September 26th and we don’t fuck with Hindus enough.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from generally assembled New York, New York this is the Scathing Atheist
In this week’s episode…
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We discover that the Lone Star State was graded on a scale of 5 stars,
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We’ll learn that you can’t say ‘bomb’ on an airplane, ‘fire’ in a theater or ‘atheist’ on a bus.
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And we’ll manage to make abortion jokes and anal sex jokes at the same time.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe
It doesn’t surprise me at all that most Christians haven’t read the bible. It’s long, it’s repetitive, it’s boring, it’s pointless and it’s stupid. Why would anyone read that fucking thing? But what does surprise me is how few of them even know what it’s about. You couldn’t bother even reading the cliff’s notes, guys?
You constantly hear Christians attributing shit to the bible that isn’t there. A lot of them will tell you that the bible says, “God helps those who help themselves”. But not only does that never appear anywhere in the bible, it’s completely antipodal to the bible’s core message.
They’ll tell you the bible says to “Love the sinner, hate the sin”, but, surprise, surprise, that doesn’t come from the bible either. It comes from St. Augustine’s desperate attempts to dial the bible back a bit.
How about “spare the rod, spoil the child”? Nope. Not in the bible. Don’t get me wrong, the bible certainly endorses the fuck out of beating your children with rods, but somehow god wasn’t able to come up with the pithy pro-child abuse slogan that stuck.
Hell, the other day I was walking by a conversation and heard a guy saying, “Well the bible says, ‘Know Thyself’…” No, buddy, that was the facade at the temple of Apollo you were thinking of. But what the hell, it’s good advice, right? It should be in the bible, right? So why not attribute it to the bible?
The big problem here is that these jackasses have convinced themselves that the bible is some… book or virtues or something. They actually think it’s some collection of ethical parables that provides moral guidance. And who can blame them right? That’s what everybody told them it was. That’s what the assholes who know better told them. It’s not like they’re ever gonna read it and prove them wrong, right?
So instead they bumble around misquoting their own holy book and talking about living their lives by the bible as though that would be desirable… or even legal.
But seriously, the fucking bible!? It’s the most horrible book on earth. To pretend that thing’s moral you have to pick cherries like a recently martyred Muslim. Go open a bible to a random page. Read a random passage. I’m willing to bet the vast majority of my penis that you didn’t find anything moral there. Hell, you’re lucky if you found something morally ambiguous.
You follow the bible do you? Well how many Amalekites have you killed this month? How many bulls have you sacrificed at the altar? How many armed Jewish land conquests have you participated in this year? Because that’s what this fucking book is about. I’m reading the damn thing. You can’t fool me into thinking this is a book about morals. It’s like if I finally got around to reading the Harry Potter books and found out that there weren’t any wizards in them.
Now, a talented preacher can spin this thing so that it sounds good. Of course they can, that’s their job. And that’s fine if you’re in the studio audience, but what about people who are playing the home game? You’re actually handing people a book that explicitly endorses genocide. It plainly justifies indiscriminately murdering people that are different than you, that worship different gods than you, that ascribe to different sexual mores than you, that live in different countries than you, that have different genetalia than you… and you’re telling them it’s the be-all, end-all of morality handed down from the all-knowing forger of the universe. Hard to imagine how that could go wrong.
It’s like replacing the gum in baseball cards with plutonium and saying, “It’s okay, nobody eats the gum.”
A commenter on our Facebook page recently applauded us for our holistic reading of the bible. He said he felt like it should be required reading for atheists. Well, I don’t know if I agree with that, but I’d love it if it was at least required reading for Christians.
I don’t honestly think that being an atheist means you have to read the bible, but I do think that honestly reading the bible means you have to be an atheist.
Headlines
Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who loves both head and lines, Heath Enwright. Heath, are you ready to make Reuters your crack whore?
Not that I need another crack whore, but sure.
In our lead story tonight, from the “Can you quantify delusional?” file. . . Yes you can. According to a study by LifeWay Research, “[one] third of Americans – and nearly half of evangelical, fundamentalist, or born-again Christians – believe prayer and Bible study alone can overcome serious mental illness.”
Wait a second… they’re deluded into thinking delusions can cure delusions? This is like a Christopher Nolan script that isn’t a horrible cheat rushed to the theater to cap a trilogy.
Granted praying and reading the Bible should quickly turn a person atheist, but there ‘s lots of other ways to cure mental afflictions like Christianity.
I assume you’re referring to crusades.
Here’s some more stupidity by the numbers. The church-funded LifeWay Research group accidentally found and presented the following: More than two thirds of Americans would feel welcome in church . . . if they were mentally ill . . .
Well if they’re gonna write their own punchlines about themselves, then what the fuck are we doing here?!? That’s just selfish.
So two thirds of Americans sit in churches thinking to themselves, “you know what make me fit right in here? Brain damage”.
Right … just as a general strategy point, the church might want to consider NOT sponsoring studies that in any way juxtapose religion and mental institutions. And also probably not advisable to poll your flock of inmates on what pills they should take in the asylum.
One third of Americans believe prayer can cure mental illness: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/21/prayer-heal-mental-illness_n_3963949.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
Our next story takes us to the “Lone IQ Point State”, where Texas creationists are asking, “If humans evolved from less intelligent primates, why are there still Texas creationists?”
Give us miscegenated liberals a couple more decades, and we’ll breed them out.
Can’t wait to watch creationism win a Darwin Award.
Yeah, but between now and then we have to suffer through the oxymoron that is the Texas state Board of Education. They’re already synonymous with gerrymandering the cerebellums of America’s youth in an effort to rewrite biology, cosmology, physics, anthropology and American history to conform to their narrow, misguided worldview so it should come as no surprise that they’re at it again.
Every house in Texas already has a creationist textbook, where kids can read all about what science would eventually get wrong. It’s a bestseller. It’s the best seller ever, literally for Christ’s sake!!!
But what’s the point in having bibles if you don’t have any throats to cram them down? So the alarmingly ubiquitary “anti-reality” wing of the Texas electorate is cloaking their efforts to dismantle scientific literacy in the clever but familiar “analyze and evaluate” guise. Unfortunately for them, Governor Rick Perry doesn’t do “clever” and spilled the beans when he boasted that (quote) “In Texas we teach both creationism and evolution in our public schools” during his abbreviated presidential run, which, incidentally, was abbreviated because he thought teaching creationism was brag-worthy.
As long as old white Christian men are legislating the content of Texan education, why not add the widely-held belief in Texas that slavery is a “complicated issue . . . Way I rememmerit, the coloreds was enslavin’ us sometimes too.”
Well, they pretty much already did that! This is only the latest skirmish in a long war. As many of our listeners are aware, the Texas state Board of Education wields inordinate influence over textbook standards throughout the country. Unlike every other state in the union, Texas adopts a K-12 curriculum on a statewide rather than district by district basis, which means the Texas state Board of Education is the only single textbook purchaser tossing around twenty billion dollars at a time. And apparently a dollar sign, a 2 and ten zeroes invariably trumps whatever commitment to educational excellence inspires one to be a textbook publisher.
Texas School Board trying to get more creationism in the school books: http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2013/09/texas_science_textbooks_creationists_try_to_remove_evolution_from_classrooms.html
And in “Malcolm X Machina” news, just when you thought the atheist movement would never find its Black Panthers, enter the radical militant godless group known as the Northeastern Pennsylvania Freethought Society.
Or the N.P. Frees, as they’re known on the street.
Normally they spend their time planting righteous irony bombs under the cars of abortion clinic bombers, but this time the NPFS really crossed the line. They recently proposed an advertisement for buses in Lackawanna County, that would show the unadulterated image of the word ‘atheism’, followed . . . by a period.
In addition to the opprobrious noun, the ad also contained a conspicuous blank space where the crucifix and the benediction should have been.
One deeply offended religious person argued, (quote) “The poster might as well show Dawkins, Hitchens, and Nietzsche forcing Jesus to watch them run the train on his dad.” (end quote)
I smell T-shirt…
In an unrelated coincidence, a new policy was immediately approved by the county transit board, pre-emptively banning any future bus ads containing religious beliefs, including but not limited to belief in the existence of the word atheism. In Pennsylvania, the mere subject of atheism is too controversial already, so they certainly won’t allow entire atheist sentences with verbs and stuff. Atheist podcasts are right out.
We should start a betting pool on which bible belt state will be the first to avoid atheist bus ads by doing away with public transit altogether.
Pennsylvania bus company changes ad policy over lowest-key atheist ad in history: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/18/least-offensive-atheist-ad-ever-leads-to-new-advertising-policy-in-pennsylvania-county/
And in “Chicken Chuckin’” news tonight, human beings with brains and central nervous systems and stuff think they can transfer their asomatous demerits to farm fowl. I’m talking, of course, about the Jewish ritual of Kapparot, in which people appease Jew god in some kind of centrifugal transmission of sin by swinging live chickens above their heads.
Well the chickens aren’t live for the entire process.
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“Listen Shmuel . . . You can’t learn physics without murdering chickens. It’s all right here in the text book. So like I was saying . . . Centripetal force is what your arm exerts on the chicken. Centifugal force is a “faux force” that causes the sin to slide down to its beak.”
Well they better choke their chickens quick while they still can, as radically reasonable Rabbi Adam Frank wants to put an end to this barbaric practice and yes, not wanting to swing chickens to death in the street apparently can qualify a person as radical.
Nothing new here . . . Jews swinging their cock around, and then chopping its head off. I’m not saying the Kaparot chicken thing and circumcision are equally ridiculous, but they’re certainly sitting in the same enormous ballpark with fifty thousand other stupid antiquated religious rituals.
And by stupid, antiquated religious rituals, you mean… religious rituals.
And let’s not forget … the rationale is the chickens go to feed the poor.
But now picture the scene: an orthodox Jewish man swinging a chicken to death over his head as he approaches a homeless Brooklyn man to hand him the carcass.
Might lead to confusion at times . . . that’s all.
“Vhat, it’s a perfectly good chicken.”
Rabbi Frank warns that in addition to being sadistic, obscene and moronic, it also causes the rest of the world to lose respect for Jewish culture, adding, “look at these fucking hats and tell me we’ve got respect we can afford to lose”.
Do they hide their expendable respect in the overgrown sideburns of their eight translucent sons, who all appear to have leukemia? Is that where they hide it? All the respect?
Jews perform the annual chicken-baton sin-absorption ritual: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/17/rabbi-is-embarrassed-by-religious-jews-using-swinging-chickens-as-sin-absorbers/
In ‘assaulted by a salted meat’ news, Wayne Stilwel of Scotland has been sentenced to ten months in jail for stealing my idea about using bacon at airport security and Gitmo, but taking it a little too far.
…or not far enough if you’re me.
The obviously hilarious Edinburgh prankster rendered an entire mosque doubly useless by attaching bacon to the door handles, and throwing bacon into the building. And when I say ‘doubly’ useless, I mean useless in general reality, and also useless to porkophobes that day.
Yeah, they said the sentence was meant to (quote) “…act as a lesson to show people that all religions need to be respected.” I’m sorry, but the fact that these nincompoops are calling out the hazmat team to remove the satanic bacon from their magical house fails to earn them any respect with me… And the fact that UK courts sent a dude to jail for illegal use of pancetta doesn’t make me start respecting Muslims, it just makes me stop respecting the UK courts.
The . . . uh . . . head Muslim guy was not reachable for comment, however this would have been his official statement: (quote) “We routinely feast on American infidels, so we don’t have any interest in the other white meat.”
I’m not saying that what the dude did wasn’t bigoted, but it was hilarious so it doesn’t count. It’s like all the stuff we say on this show.
Yeah if funny doesn’t cancel out racist, we’re out of business.
And in related “eschewing the fat-wa” news, we learn later in the same story that while a bacon attack will get you ten months, death threats against apostates are just fine, because apostates that don’t wear a burqa anymore, are usually asking for it.
Yeah, what the fuck was that? After calling for the death of a Sudanese woman, Liberal Democrat councillor Salah al Bandar was cleared of any wrongdoing, cause you know those Muslims and their fatwas…
Nahla Mahmoud – the fatwa victim – has been advised by police that her best legal recourse would be to stop existing, because it angers Muslims.
Well, she does have a vagina…
Man sentenced to 10 months for vicious bacon attack: http://freethinker.co.uk/2013/09/18/mosque-attacked-with-bacon-scottish-man-receives-a-10-month-jail-sentence-for-offending-muslims/
In left-wing conspiracy news, our teams of gay stoner fetus killers have successfully altered global thermodynamics as planned . . . but Pastor Kevin Swanson of Colorado is onto us.
Drats!
He cites marijuana, abortion, and (quote) “decadent homosexual activity” – I guess dudes are eating dark chocolate mousse while they fuck – Those things are the underlying cause of Colorado’s worst year for fire and floods.
Man… if I’d known there was dark chocolate mousse I might have been gay.
Liberals in his state are indeed conducting a powerful new dark ritual, involving marijuana, gay sex, and fetal sacrifice. Our operatives get high, have extraordinarily decadent butt sex, and then murder the resulting embryo . . . (A butt embryo, no less) And because of a weird loophole in cosmic law (other than butt sex leading to embryos), this magically forces God to flood wealthy conservative enclaves like Colorado Springs and John Galt’s impossible valley.
Yeah… butt sex causes forest fires. I love that this vision of climatology is perfectly acceptable but the idea that CO2 is causing a greenhouse effect is ludicrous .
But despite his stint as a climate change denier, it looks like the ignorant hate theory isn’t so ignorant this time. It’s just a well-informed hate theory. It’s just hate. Which means on this particular day, Swanson will not gain any ground on Jerry Falwell in the prestigious ignorant hate speech standings.
Nobody beats the king… except Pat Robertson.
Denver is the new Sodom: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/kevin-swanson-blames-colorado-floods-decadent-homosexual-activity-marijuana-and-abortion-rig and also… http://truth-out.org/buzzflash/commentary/item/18209-decadent-homosexual-activity-marijuana-and-abortion-caused-colorado-floods-talk-radio-minister-charges-denying-global-warming
And finally tonight, in “Hey, it’s German… You’re lucky nobody’s shitting on anybody” news tonight, a group of German churches have teamed up to offer “erotic” sermons. In an effort to combat the sexually repressive reputation the church was unfairly saddled with after millenia of repressing sex, two Protestant churches in Dresden, Germany have announced a series of sexually charged sermons in the coming months.
And you’re positive nobody’s shitting on anybody? Not even a bronze shower in some shit-laden holy water?
Program organizer Rudolf Renner hopes that the program can help people see that homosexuality isn’t a sin, because it’s in the bible. Because being in the bible makes something okay. So basically they’re conceding that homosexuality is at least as moral as things like slavery, rape, incest, bestiality, genocide, infanticide and animal sacrifice.
Alright, 30 seconds on the clock: Titles for the new Spermin’ German sermons.
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Dong of Solomon
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Ezekiel in the Valley of the Dry Humps… or no, wait… valley of the wet bones.
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The Burden of Blow Job: Carrying the Load
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Moses Parting the Pink C
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Jonah and the Sperm Whale – What? That’s technically a jizz joke.
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Noah’s Arcing Ropes of Jism
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Okay that’s a better jizz joke . . . I’m coming from behind now . . . Titus: Tying up Loose Ends
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The Cautionary Tale: Moses and his burning bush.
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The Roman Bondage Sermon: Nailing Jesus.
German churches to offer “erotic” sermons: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/20/german-churches-erotic-sermons-sexuality-gay_n_3956958.html?utm_hp_ref=religion
Sexualizing the death of their savior. Now that’s what I call ending on a high note. Heath, thanks as always for joining me.
And when we come back we’ll ask what the fuck all those orthodox jews in the corner are doing.
Calendar
It’s time for the atheist calendar portion of the show. This is the time we set aside once a month to bring you up to speed on all the great atheist, secular and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world.
And damn do we have a full slate in October. We’re gonna start in Charlotte, North Carolina when the “Carolina Secular Conference” is going to be welcoming Margaret Downey, author and activist Katherine Stewart, Shelley Segal, and a lot more. That’s going on over the weekend of October 4th, it’s reasonably priced and should be a blast.
http://www.carolinassecularconference.org/
A week and a coast away we’ve got Sacramento’s 12th annual Freethought Day on October 12th. Huge festival featuring Richard Carrier, Greta Christina, Annie Laurie Gaylor, friend of the show Tom Beasley and a ton of others. One day, great lineup, damn I wish I was gonna be there, hopefully you can go in my stead.
But not all great conferences happen is awesome states. Some of them also happen in Ohio. For example, the 2013 “Sexy Secular” Conference in Akron on the 19th of October. This one has practically every awesome speaker I just mentioned with the addition of Aron Ra and the incomparable Dr. Darrel Ray http://sexysecularconference.com/
And three quickies to round things off. On the weekend of October 26th we’ve got the Kentucky Freethought Convention with Annie Laurie Gaylor, Hemant Mehta, Jamila Bey and more. http://www.kyfreethoughtconvention.com/ A little further south we’ve got “Reason in the Rock” in Little Rock, Arkansas with Dan Barker, Matt Dillahunty, Jerry DeWitt, Zack Kopplin and friends. http://reasonintherock.org/
And finally because I know we’ve got at least a couple of listeners in the Netherlands, the 26th of October is also the start of the Skeptic’s Congress in… a city. Sorry, don’t speak Dutch so I couldn’t figure out anything except the country where it’s taking place and the date. But if you’re interested, you’ll find a link to this event and all the others we’ve discussed on the shownotes for this episode at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
10/26 Skeptic’s Congress in the Netherlands: http://www.skepsis.nl/congres2013.html
And of course, if you’re involved with a conference that needs a free plug, you’ll find all the contact info on that very same website.
Top Ten
In a religion renowned for pointless and crappy holidays, Sukkot stands out as possibly the single most baffling celebration on the Jewish calendar. This is a holiday celebrated by sitting in booths, shaking palm fronds at god and being generally miserable.
So to help our listeners and ourselves better understand this ancestral absurdity, Noah and I will be answering the top ten most asked questions about Sukkot in a segment we like to call…
“How the Hell is this a Holiday?”
1) What does Sukkot mean?
Sukkot is the plural form of Sukkah.
2) Okay, smart-ass, so what the hell does Sukkah mean?
It means a shitty little temporary hut. So literally translated, the holiday is called, “Shitty Little Huts”.
3) How do Jews celebrate Sukkot?
The same way toll booth operators celebrate Tuesday. They sit in little booths all day. They erect a little shed and then spend time in that shed. Because god. Or something.
And they wave palm fronds. That part is apparently really important, otherwise passersby might forget to reflect on how stupid their religion is.
4) Why the hell would anyone do that?
When you’re chosen by god, for the sweet-ass life of a Jewish person, you don’t ask questions. Since I clearly wasn’t chosen, I looked it up. Following a labor dispute, Jewish people spent 40 years living in makeshift desert dwellings northeast of Egypt. Not sure what makes anyone think that ever stopped after 40 years though.
5) But desert dwellers didn’t live in booths. They lived in tents. So what the fuck?
Well, like all things described in the bible, Sukkot predates the bible. Not sure why people have so much trouble with the “if the bible describes it, it didn’t inspire it” rule, but they do. Despite later attempts to shoehorn Sukkot into the Exodus narrative, it’s widely believed that it originated with farmers sleeping in booths in their fields during the harvest.
6) Do all Jews live in booths during Sukkot?
No. Sukkot was once considered the holiest of all celebrations, but it lost some of it’s luster when humans invented heat and the humane treatment of animals.
And Judaism in general lost some luster when humans invented scientific explanations for stuff.
These days most jews don’t bother with the booths, though some families eat their meals in their rickety hovels and some hardcore Hebrews still sleep in them overnight.
7) So how did they celebrate back when they lived in booths?
They killed a lot of animals. And that’s a lot of animals for templic Jews. Back in the Jews’ animal slaughtering heyday this was the bloodiest of all Hebrew celebrations and all Hebrew celebrations were pretty damn bloody back then.
8) What’s up with the palm fronds?
Fucked if I know.
9) Why do Jewish holidays always suck?
Pretty much every event in Judaism’s history is bloodier than Edward Scissorhands botching an octo-mom abortion, but you’ve gotta celebrate something, right?
10) Can non-Jews celebrate Sukkot?
Yes, but not according to the Torah you have to wait until after the end of the world. Scripture says that after the apocalypse, even the Goyim will celebrate Sukkot and get their very own booths.
And you thought the apocalypse was gonna suck.
Bible Story
“Run get the young ‘uns folks! It’s time for Lucinda Lugeons Bible Stories for kids”
Today we’re gonna open our bibles up and meet one of the few women in the bible important enough to have names, Miriam. In this story we’re going to learn all about why we should love god and the pitiless vengeance that’s in store for us if we don’t.
Once upon a time there was a Cushite named Miriam and she married a nice Jewish boy named Aaron. They lived a happy simple life until one day Aaron’s brother Moses showed up and told her husband that they had to go to Egypt to rescue all the Hebrews.
Miriam and Aaron were skeptical but they did what Moses said because Moses was an unhinged murderer. And because they were loyal to god.
So they packed up all their stuff and grabbed their kids and left with Moses so that god could mercilessly torture Egyptians after rescinding their free will. So after god got finished turning all their water to blood, covering them with festering sores, filling their towns with bugs and frogs and murdering the oldest kid in every family, he lets the pharaoh let the Jews go so that they could all wander miserably through a desert for decades.
And Miriam and Aaron didn’t like the plan at all because wandering around in the wilderness and eating flavorless crap for years and years wasn’t very fun. But they did what they were told because they didn’t want to die. And because they were loyal to god.
Now, because their sons were related to Moses, god liked them more than he liked everyone else, so he decided to make her sons priests. That meant that they didn’t have to do any work and everyone else had to pay for their food and all they had to do was kill animals, slit open their stomachs, take out all their guts, drain their blood, splash it around and set them on fire.
But one day her sons tried to see what god looked like, so he burned all their skin off their bones and killed them. And Miriam and Aaron were very sad, but they didn’t say anything because they didn’t want their flesh burned away. And because they were loyal to god.
So they spent most of their lives wandering in the wilderness, not having a home or a comfortable bed or pets or any of their favorite foods or the ability to decide for themselves what to do. It was so bad that practically all the Jews wished that they were still Egyptian slaves because at least then they weren’t always starving and thirsty.
And then one day Aaron and Miriam complained and said, “hey, maybe wandering in the wilderness until we all die isn’t a very good idea at all.”
Now, this made god very, very angry. So angry that he gave Miriam a horrible disease called leprosy that caused her skin to rot and fall off so that you could see her guts and bones. And Moses and Aaron begged god to take away the horrible disease but he wouldn’t. And because being in horrible pain and having to watch your own flesh rot away isn’t bad enough, god also made all the other Jews shun her so nobody would talk to her or take care of her or bring her food and water for seven days. Because after blindly devoting her life to Moses’ every whim, she was disloyal for a few minutes once.
And nobody lived happily ever after.
The end.
Outro
Before we drop anchor tonight I wanted to give everybody a quick update on the perpetually postponed merch I keep promising. We’re still making a few minor tweaks to the new logo. Hopefully that’ll all be done this weekend so we’ve got our fingers crossed that by episode 33 we’ll have some shwag available for you.
I also wanted to let everybody know that I’m pretty much constantly looking for Farnsworth quotes at the last minute, so if you’ve got a blog, a Facebook page, a podcast or any other atheist outreach vehicle that you want us to plug, let me know. I’d be happy to give you some on-air love in exchange for a brief audio clip of you quoting everybody’s favorite 31st century scientist.
I also wanted to congratulate Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for being the first team to best me this year in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists. I want to congratulate him not so much on the win, which he clearly doesn’t deserve, but rather in finding a way to successfully cheat at Fantasy Football in a league that I commission, as my team is far too awesome to be defeated by normal human means. Well played, Cecil.
As always, I can’t close this thing out without thanking Heath for everything he does, which is a lot; I need to thank the lovely Lucinda for gracing us with her dulcet tones tonight, I need to thank Shane from Calgary for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote and while we’re at it, I want to thank all those filthy monkey men we evolved from. Way to naturally select.
But most of all I need to thank this week’s best people, Beth, Russell and Robert. Beth, whose resourcefulness, brilliance and cunning will be recognized by our would-be alien overlord a little too late; Russell who boasts both the strength to arm-wrestle lions and the compassion to occasionally let them win and Robert who has never demolished a building with his gargantuan and mighty penis, only because he’s never needed to.
These three brave, gracious and genetically superior examples of humanity have distinguished themselves this week by giving us money. Only the most discerning, respectable and attractive people have what it takes to give us money, but if you think you belong in the pantheon, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of our homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. And remember, we make a lot of jokes about it, but all kidding aside, giving us money really does cure cancer.
And if you want to help us out but not if it costs money, you can also help us out by leaving us a review on iTunes or telling a friend or 6 about the show. And if 30 minutes a week of blasphemy just isn’t enough, be sure to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, subscribe to us on You-Tube and favorite us on Stitcher.
If you have questions, comments or death threats you’ll find all the contact info on the contact page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
Episode 31 Partial Transcript
by Heath Enwright, Lucinda Lugeons and Noah Lugeons
(Note: Transcript may include portions that were edited out due to time constraints)
Sponsor
Today’s episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program. So if you’re tired of the J Dubs loitering on your porch and you find that candles and birthday cake doesn’t scare them off the way they used to, turn to the experts in cruel and elaborate front porch security systems.
Act now and get three free alligators when you upgrade to the new moat and drawbridge package. Jehovah’s Witness Protection, because there are worse things to have on your porch than a flaming bag of shit.
And now the Scathing Atheist
Intro
It’s Thursday, it’s September 19th and this sentence is a palindrome…
mordnilap a si ecnetnes siht.
I’m your host Noah Lugeons and from “Rapture City” New York, New York, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week’s episode,
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Lucinda will join us in the Holy Babble segment to take the edge off the concubine gang rape jokes,
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Christians will drink poop,
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And we’ll learn that every time a pastor beats you off, a fairy gets its wings.
But first, the diatribe.
Diatribe
I’ve got a friend who has one of those jobs where occasionally you have to take phone calls from people who bitch at you for things you have nothing to do with. Oh, and for our younger listeners, phone calls are like real time, voice activated audio-texts.
Anyway, so the other day I ran into him and he was dying to tell me about one such conversation. Some dude had called to complain about some company policy that was set by somebody in another country. So while he’s bitching, my buddy explains that he doesn’t actually set the company’s policies and has no control over them.
To which his animated caller goes all prematurely Godwin and tells him that he’s no different than the guards at them there concentration camps.
Exhibiting a nearly Herculean amount of patience, my friend calmly asks the guy to dial back his rhetoric a bit and then the jerk tosses out a response so indefensibly stupid I had to write a diatribe about it.
He said: “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a pastor. I’m used to fighting for the weak.”
I don’t want to bog this down with boring details of the policy the guy was complaining about, so I’ll just say that him bitching about it had about as little to do with “fighting for the weak” as being a pastor does, so I can only imagine the befuddled silence and stifled laughter that the assertion actually provoked.
My first thought upon hearing the story was “fight for the weak, eh? So you guys are paying taxes now? Because every time I earn a dollar a chunk of it goes to the weak. Every time I pay my property taxes they go to the weak. How about you? Who pays your tax-free salary again? The weak? Got it.”
But that’s far from being the most ludicrous delusion in that sentence. This person is actually invoking a career in taking advantage of people, deluding people, indoctrinating children, fighting against reality, opposing social progress and believing in fairy tales, and for this he thinks he’s entitled to some level of respect.
I’m not just stupid, I majored in stupid. I have an advanced degree in stupid. I’ve devoted my life to stupid.
Well somehow I’m still not impressed. I’d be more impressed if you had a masters degree in My Little Ponies because… My Little Ponies are actually pretty awesome and bronie or no, I guarantee you’ll find more morality in those cartoons than you’ll find in the bible.
“I’m a pastor…” And for that you deserve some kind of deference? You know, given the fact that we’re gonna be leading off headlines this week with a story about a pastor raping children for the third week in a row I don’t know how the fuck you try to attach that profession with morality. If he said, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a pastor, I’m used to sexually abusing the weak”, I’d have simply applauded him for his honesty.
And you know what, maybe this dude does “fight for the weak”. Maybe he’s out there right now with his metaphorical boxing gloves on kicking the shit out of hunger and homelessness at this very moment. But if he is, it ain’t cause he’s a fucking pastor. It’s because he’s a moral person. The CEO for Panera Bread fights for the weak too but I bet he wouldn’t excuse his assholery on the phone by saying, “You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a CEO, I’m used to fighting for the weak.”
The very fact that such a thing as a degree in theology exists is an insult to education. Think about it. We’d be pretty fucked if we woke up tomorrow and all the world’s surgeons were gone. Or all the world’s physicists. Or all the world’s firefighters or teachers or plumbers or carpenters or jizz moppers or truck drivers or pharmacists. And we’d at least be horribly inconvenienced if we woke up tomorrow and there were no podcasters, jugglers, musicians or masked vigilantes.
But what would happen if we lost all the theologists? Where would we get our nothing? If all the world’s pastors were abducted by aliens tomorrow, who would molest our children? Who would fleece our uneducated? Who would terrify our nieces and nephews? Who would hate our fags?
Yeah. You’re a pastor. You wanna impress me? Try getting a real job. Like one where you have to take phone calls from assholes like you.
Headlines
Joining me…
Joining me for headlines tonight is Noah Lugeons because if I talk first then you’re joining me. I mean, we were both already here.
What the hell? Next thing I know you’re gonna try to beat me to the lead story.
In our lead story tonight, a pastor in Iowa claims allegations of sexual abuse against him are just another big misunderstanding. Ex-Pastor Brent Girouex pioneered a procedure he calls a Semen Exorcism, in which he jerks off kids until they stop being gay.
Alright, so the movie version would be called “Redeemin’ the Semen Demon” obviously, but I can’t decide if Michael Bay or Steven Soderbergh would direct. One way or the other, Sharon Stone plays pastor Girouex.
He credits his success to such awful handjob technique, that even women do it better. In particular, poor sense of cock, and also bad calluses – or the “lumber-jacking effect”. Used in a sentence: “I got lumber-jacked by Pastor Brent, and now I prefer vagina.”
I don’t know… I’m finding his excuse a little hard to splatter on my tits.
One self-proclaimed rape victim – or exorcise partner – argued (quote) “But you can see how someone might think they were the victim of a gay pedophile, right?” (end quote) . . .
Isn’t it sad that pastor-rapes-child stories have to have an angle now to be newsworthy? I mean, if it wasn’t for this dingleberry convincing himself that he could clear things up with the “Hey, it isn’t rape if we were praying defense,” this would be a non-story. What? Pastor raped 60 kids over a period of decades? And how’s that news?
Somehow convinced he could smooth things over, the allegedly disgraced gay sexorcist allegedly spoke to detectives, and had words to say. Here are those words. Keep in mind, this an adult, talking to police about his activities with kids, trying NOT to get arrested . . .
(quote) “When they would ejaculate-” Now right there. Already a bad start . . .
(quote)“When they would ejaculate, they would be getting rid of the evil thoughts in their mind,” (end quote) . . .
And the science backs him up on this. Thinking about ejaculating, ejaculating. Those are the only two settings for the teenage male brain.
And in case you’re wondering if his punishment will be as stiff as his altar boys, 60 counts of sexual exploitation will land him in jail for as many as 24 hours. He might leave after lunch, if he doesn’t manually service anyone inappropriately that morning.
Yeah, he was originally sentenced to 17 years, but it was later reduced to probation and treatment when it was pointed out that the kids he molested were cured of their gayness.
New Rationale for Pedophilia: http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/gay-issues/ex-pastor-brent-girouex-allegedly-had-sex-boys-help-them-homosexual-urges#
And in convenient…
And in convenient archaeology news, an Israeli team has uncovered a new cache of Jew gold, and some other really old unfabricated stuff, proving conclusively that Judaism actually existed long before 1948. Along with 36 gold coins, and a medallion with a menorah drawing, they found a tablet etching that read “Jewish Jesus was here first”.
Well if nothing else, I suppose this finally settles the “who owns the temple mount” question. Which is a shame because I was still holding out hope that it would ultimately be adjudicated by a winner take all wet-burka contest.
Just when Israel was about to cave, and peacefully concede a bunch of land to Palestine, they find perfectly preserved title deeds, corresponding precisely to all the dibs in the Old Testament, including Holy Water Works and all four railroads.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could talk it out like a Monopoly trade?
“Tell you what, I’ll give you Marvin Gardens and Hotels for Gaza, you give me the Temple Mount and that other green one.”
This all sounds like rock solid proof of cosmic historical ownership. I’m sure they would reconsider if they ever found an Islamic artifact buried in Jerusalem, which they clearly have not. All of a sudden, you might see the stubborn side of Netanyahu, as opposed to his normal, silky smooth, placating diplomacy with neighboring “so-called” countries. Let’s all hope this doesn’t lead to instability in the region.
Ok sarcastically mocking the Jews . . . Check. Are the Christians up to any stupid shit?
Jews find more jew gold: http://www.religionnews.com/2013/09/10/ancient-treasure-trove-uncovered-near-temple-mount/
And in “The… (pause) And in… you gonna…?
No, go ahead.
And in “the Holy Shit joke would be too easy” news tonight, a recent study has discovered that the majority of the world’s holy water contains dangerous amounts of fecal matter. Because when we said the church was feeding you shit, we only thought it was metaphorical.
I love it!!! Christians are honest-to-god shit sippers!!!
The only way this gets worse for them, is getting that awkward email from Jesus, saying he has AIDS, and everyone who’s had contact with his blood should get tested.
Austrian researchers sampled water from 39 different holy springs and church fonts and discovered that the water was so blessed with vitality it was home to some 62 million bacteria per milliliter, including E coli, enterococci and campylobacter, a combination that comes in handy for anyone who needs to projectile defecate through a coffee filter and then die.
Christianity: Drink shit and die . . .
You’d hope the church will finally have to break down and apologize for LITERALLY feeding their shit to the public, then the public shitting it out, wiping it on their hand, dipping it in the church basin, and then ingesting more shit, and then lethally projectile shitting out diarrhea, which is made up of the holy shit they drank.
Dr Alexander Kirschner, a microbiologist from the Medical University of Vienna, recommend that priests act responsibly and put up signs warning people that the holy water has as much shit as the sermon. But loyal Christian sewage garglers point out that their only drinking blessed remnants of fecal matter.
“Holy water number two number two cause of Christians being full of shit.”
Majority of world’s holy water found to contain fecal matter: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/14/most-holy-water-found-to-contain-not-so-holy-shit/
According to a pastor in Houston, all contracts are void if either party has their delicate religious sensibilities offended. Apostle Michael Canty of the Truth Ministries Holiness Church – which sounds like a government building in “1984” – refused to marry a couple because the bride’s dress was too revealing.
According to the article on Friendly Atheist (dot) com, the family assumed the pastor was wearing out a crappy joke when he repeatedly asked where the rest of the dress was. Upon discovering that no, this wasn’t the pre-dress or anything, the pastor demanded that the bride-to-be cover up her breast area and lengthen the dress. In thirty minutes. Or he was taking his balls and going home.
Granted, the so-called wedding dress looks more like a tear-away stripper warm-up uniform . . .
But demanding a last minute, iron-on burqa attachment is asinine.
Yeah… nothing says slutty like “I now take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband.”
All things considered, you probably don’t want to be married by a guy with a visible erection anyway . . . But it is refreshing to see a pastor aroused by an adult female.
“Anyone who objects to this bridal gown should forever hold his piece… or at least turn it to one side and tuck it under his belt so the bulge isn’t as noticeable.”
Priest Can’t Perform Wedding With Visible Erection: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/09/10/pastor-refuses-to-marry-couple-an-hour-before-ceremony-because-brides-dress-is-too-sexy/
And in “The-Strong-Forearm-of-the-Law” news tonight, it turns out that an Indonesian lawmaker whose career has been defined by a single-minded obsession with pornography is obsessed with pornography
Fifty year old conservative MP Arifinto championed a law that called for prison terms for everything from public kissing to displaying lewd artwork and then managed to get caught surreptitiously watching pornography during a parliamentary debate.
In fairness, it’s important to point out that Arifinto’s not usually known as a master debater at these events, but wanting to display prominent member status on the parliament floor, he must have decided to get his feet wet that day.
Images of the newly-disgraced, newly-unemployed hypocrite drooling over PornHub were captured by a photojournalist and quickly found their way into newspapers throughout the nation. Indonesia, which boasts the world’s largest population of Muslims could not be reached, as the porn-starved nation was busy rubbing one out to the blurred images of whatever Arifinto was looking at.
Anti Porn MP resigns after getting caught watching porn: http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-202_162-20052796.html
Well that’s gonna to it for headlines tonight, Heath thanks for joining me tonight.
Well that’s gonna to it for headlines tonight, Noah thanks for joining me tonight.
And when we come back, Lucinda will join us to take some of the sting out of how bad the bible sucks..
Poem
Okay, so I think we can all agree that eventually this whole poem shtick is gonna wear thin if I don’t change it up here and there, so I’d like to now present the book of Judges, in Limericks.
There were a series of jews tasked with judging,
Through god’s incessant fits and begrudging,
So quick, alert CNN
As we learn once again,
That god’s a testy, forgetful curmudgeon
The first judge, Ehum, was left-handed.
The jews angered god so they got reprimanded
By an oppressive, fat lord,
So Ehum took his sword,
And shoved it so deep in the king’s gut it got stranded.
Deborah, the next judge, saw visions,
Upon which the jews made decisions.
Sisera’s armies attack,
So she goes with Barak,
And they use a stake as their chief ammunition.
Then there’s Gideon, whose kind of a dick,
He kills Midianites with a trumpet based trick,
With 300 men he achieves,
Something as hard to believe
As that god-awful Zack Snyder flick.
There’s Abimelech from just south of Ephraim,
Who figured all the jews should obey him,
So he tried to kill all his brothers,
But the youngest recovered,
And then suggested his subjects should slay him.
Then Jephthah who was the son of a whore
Took an oath; to the almighty he swore
That if his campaign didn’t fail
And god let them prevail,
He’d kill the first person that walked out his door.
There once was a fella named Samson,
He was strong, he could fight, he was handsome,
He set fire to some crops,
So they called the Ammonites cops,
And on his head they placed a king’s ransom.
So they demanded he succumb to the law,
But it turned out their plan had a flaw
Despite all their hopes,
He broke through their ropes.
And killed a thousand men with a animal jaw.
Then along came this chick named Delilah,
Who Samson had the urge to defile,
So as long as it took,
There’s good advice in this book:
Don’t your girlfriend be your hair-styler.
Babble
Ah, Judges, the disjointed and chronologically perplexing series of pointless short stories that really make you appreciate the parts of your life you spend not reading them. So joining me to dig through this morass of spasmodic drivel is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome to the show.
Glad to be here.
And of course, to my left is my right hand man, Heath Enwright. Heath, thanks for not stepping on my intro here.
Once is enough
Clearly Judges ranks high in terms of overall irrelevance, but let’s dive right in anyway, shall we?
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So basically Joshua is dead and god didn’t think to have the divine Rico chart figured out in advance like he did with Moses. So they kill everyone because damn it, that’s what Old Testament Jews do.
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This chapter is all over the place but it has all the staples we’ve come to expect out of the bible. There’s slavery, xenophobia, incest, betrayal but most of all, genocide.
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You know there’s a lot of genocide in a book when by the end they just start listing the tribes that weren’t completely massacred.
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And just when you thought it was a little cruel to cut off the opposing general’s thumbs and big toes, the guy laughs it off, in confirmation of the Jews’ legendary comedic timing . . .
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“You guys are gonna laugh too when I explain . . . I actually did this exact same ‘thumbs and big toes’ thing to seventy kings once, and made them eat my table scraps like dogs . . . So well-played Israelites. I clearly deserve this. You guys are a stitch.”
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And of course, if you aren’t genociding correctly, you’re gonna piss god off so in chapter two he sends an angel to bitch out the Jews for not murdering thoroughly enough.
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Yeah, a half-ass genocide’s never a good move. That’s just normal mass murder. That’s like swimming ninety percent across a river, seeing a few non-Jews onshore, and turning back without murdering them.
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Chapter 3 contains the weirdest assassination we’ve encountered yet. Ehud the left-handed, kills Eglon the fat. He pretends he has a secret message from god, gets the king by himself then kills him with a sword he’d been hiding in his taint. Then he locks the door so everybody will think the king is taking a massive shit while he makes his escape.
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Then there’s the only slightly less odd assassination of Sisera in chapter 4. Here we meet Deborah, who is judging Israel at the moment. She defeats an army with 900 chariots of iron.
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But during the ensuing battle, Sisera escapes on foot and he finds some chick in a tent and he’s all like “Hide me” and she says “sure, no problem” and then as soon as he falls asleep she drives a fucking tent pole through his head.
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Right, Jael: Gentile Vampire Slayer. How do you hammer a post through someone’s temple while they’re sleeping? Did she tap it in really softly to get it started. Just isn’t believable … Women hammer nails about as well as they merge in traffic and earn equal pay.
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And then they relive the head-staking in song.
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I think Deborah is the first woman we meet in the bible that doesn’t get raped, murdered, sold, turned into a leper or forced to mutilate a penis.
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Yeah starting with Judges, it looks like the Bible might start getting a little preachy with all the feminism. I just hope their progressive stance doesn’t take away from the rapey narrative that’s been working nicely so far.
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If it aint broke . . .
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So god gets bored of fucking with them he appears to Gideon and tells him to kill all the Midianites.
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And Gideon is skeptical of course, so he says, “If you’re really god, make this rug wet when I wake up in the morning.” Seems like an odd test of divinity… “Hey god, bet you can’t piss on this rug!” but apparently god passed.
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So Gideon gathers his army to attack the Midianites and god tells him “Any god could kick ass with that big an army. Send all but 300 of them home, otherwise people will think I’m a pussy.”
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So Gideon sends home all the soldiers that don’t lap river water up with their tongue and they kick all the Midianites’ asses with trumpets and irrational fear.
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And then these weird-ass canine-tongued soldiers lift their legs and pee on the fallen enemies. A few of them start licking the blood from open wounds, and it’s a little gross, but still somehow cute and endearing.
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Then in chapter 8 Gideon kills the kings and anyone else that fucks with him, then he takes enough wives to have seventy sons and dies.
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And something of a pattern is emerging here, because as soon as Gideon dies the Jews go right back to worshipping Baal again.
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Seems like the only time the Jews STOP worshipping Baal is when some crazy fucking zealot announces the next genocide mission he heard from real god. So the lesson we’re supposed to learn here is . . . You can spot a false god when they don’t sponsor regular tribal murder sprees.
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Next we get the brief reign of Abimelech the Easily Provoked. He wakes up one day and says, “Mom, wouldn’t it be awesome if I was king?” and then he kills his dad and all his brothers except the youngest one, takes over the promised land, spends a few years killing anybody who insinuates he has a small dick and gets killed by a chick with a millstone.
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And because the only thing worse than death is a vagina, Abimelech is stammering around with his head half crushed trying to find a man who can stab him to death so that people won’t think a woman killed him.
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“Will a man please murder me?”
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And since fuck originality, the Israelites piss off god again and he lets the Philistines make slaves out of them.
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So after a couple decades of slavery the Jews are going, “Okay, sorry about the worshipping Baal, again. We’re sorry… again. So you can go ahead and deliver us… again.” And god’s like “Nope. Fuck off this time.”
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And then you get this very weird story about Jephthah where he has to offer up his daughter because she’s the first person to come out of his house when he gets home. Which apparently means… she has to spend two months on a mountain, never gets to fuck and has to be burned to death for god when she gets home..
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He was clearly expecting his wife to come out first. Or his whore mother.
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Then the men of Ephraim get pissed cause Jephthah killed the Ammonites without them so they tell him they’re gonna burn down his house. So he kills them and anyone with an Ephraim accent. And then Jephthah dies because nobody survives through more than three or four chapters in Judges.
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And then we meet Samson, who was apparently immaculately conceived a la Jesus.
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This is a tough sell to your husband . . . “So you know how I’m barren and you’re impotent . . . Well I talked to this angel, and he said if I can handle his angel cock, he’ll give us a kid who’s a main character in the book.”
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So Samson grows up, finds a Philistine chick he wants to bone so he tells his parents to go get her, because that’s how it worked back then.
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And then Samson gives his friends a riddle, which is bullshit because you needed to know that if you murder a lion bare-handed, you can later eat honey from its rotting, bee-infested carcass. How is that an acceptable prerequisite for a riddle?!? That’s what six-year-olds do when they try to tell their own shitty riddle.
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Yeah, and then he gives his wife to his best man because he doesn’t like her. Or his best man apparently.
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Then he changes his mind,decides he want to bone his wife after all, but when he goes back to get her, her dad says, “too late, dude, she’s shacked up with the best man.”
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So in a rage he ties torches to a bunch of foxes, lights them on fire and sends them running through their fields.
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So they demand Samson, and the jews tie oblige. And then Samson goes all Samson on them, melts the ropes with his anger and then kills a thousand men with the jawbone of a donkey. And don’t forget… this book is infallible.
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So Samson took his bone from the mouth of the ass?
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You never go ass to mouth.
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Just sounds unkosher.
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In chapter 16 we meet the foul temptress we knew was coming. Samson falls for Delilah and she likes it kinky because basically the first words out of her mouth is “how can you be tied up?” And I guess he likes it kinky too, because he keeps telling her new bullshit ways to tie him up.
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And he’s a bright one, too, right? She says, “How can you be captured by your enemy?” and this isn’t a red flag to him. After the fifth time he says some weird random “here’s how to capture me” lie then wakes up to find her trying it, he eventually tells her the truth, which is apparently that Barbasol is his kryptonite.
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So then the Philistines promptly shave him, capture him, gouge out his eyes and make him dance like a monkey. But he dances like a monkey so long that his hair grows back so he brings down the temple. And if he can kill a thousand people with an ass-bone, you can imagine how much ass he can kick with a whole temple.
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Yeah he prays to god for the strength to kill himself and a thousand other people in a building collapse. Turns out the first suicide bomber was Jewish. Who knew? It wasn’t the Buddhists like you were thinking, you racist.
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So when Muslim terrorists pull this shit now, it’s so hackneyed. Samson did it!!!
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17 and 18 suck. Micah, Danites, Shrine, Murder, whatever…
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–
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And then shit gets real. We meet some unnamed coward from the hill country. He’s travelling from Bethlehem with his concubine, some old dude invites him to crash at his place. So far, so good, until all the townfolk show up at the old man’s door demanding that he send his guests out so they can ass-rape him.
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To be fair, in King James, they didn’t specify ass-rape. For all we know, they just wanted to work with the ear, nose, and throat.
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But we already know what to do in this situation. Just offer the crowd your concubine… and maybe your virgin daughter. So they shove the women out of the house so the crowd can rape them to death.
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Right, nothing calms down a mob of gay rapists like some vagina? Maybe they figured she’s a virgin, so it’s pretty tight . . . That’s almost like two assholes on one person. More bang for your shekel … and your schmekel.
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So in the morning this asshole wakes up, opens the door and there’s his concubine lying dead from being gang raped and he says, “get up! We’re leaving.”
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And when he finally realizes she’s dead, he brings her home, chops her into pieces and mails the pieces to different people with a note saying, “Israel really sucks these days. It’s gotten to where you can’t offer your concubine to a bunch of salivating rapists without her getting fucked to death.”
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And it’s gotten to the point where you get disembodied abused-corpse pieces with your mail, too.
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Can a man not block a rape with his whore-shield in this town anymore?!? And speaking of which, can a guy get a decent whore-shield in this town anymore?!? Maybe one that doesn’t DIE on her FIRST biblical rape mob. It’s like having your starting QB take an injury in week 1.
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I thought this was the promised land! Are we not in the promised land?!? Do I really need to dismember my dead sex slave, to teach Israelites how to rally around a good cause again?!?
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So in hopes of putting an end to all the violence, the Israelites gather an army and attack Gibeah. It takes a few tries, but eventually they kill the whole army, murder all the women and children, slaughter all the livestock and burn the city to the ground. So that nobody else would get hurt.
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“There’s lots of crazy tribes going around killing entire towns. We’d be crazy not to start murdering some towns full of these tribes. Hey Gibeah’s a town.”
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And then you get the most high-stakes game of not-it ever. The Jews say “We can’t marry our daughters of to these Benjamite scum, so let’s kill all the non-virgins in Jabesh-Gilead. That should be enough virgins for all these Benjamites.”
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But it’s not, so then they decide to just kidnap a bunch of dancers to round things off.
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I feel bad withholding all the Jew pussy from the Benjamites. We should at least throw them a virgins and sluts party. Half prude, half crude, lots of oil. A righty tighty lefty loosy party. Admittedly stretching the orifice jokes now.
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We forgive you.
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But can I cram one more in there last minute?
I don’t think we have room. That’s gonna have to wrap up the Holy Babble this week. Heath, Lucinda, thanks for not bailing on this insanely boring project yet.
Our next book is Ruth which is short for a pamphlet so we get a bit of a reprieve. We’ll be breaking that one down in Episode 34 so until then fuck this stupid book.
Outro
Before we seal the envelope tonight I need to make a quick correction to next week’s episode. I’m going to misidentify Charles S. Durnam as Charles S. Dunnum, and I just wanted to apologize in advance for that.
I wanted to remind everybody that I took part in a two part panel discussion with Jake Farr-Wharton over at the Imaginary Friends Show along with Martin S Pribble and Twitter’s very own Gamma Atheist. Both episodes are available over at Imaginary Friends Show (dot) com, we had a blast recording and I’d highly recommend them. You also find a link on this week’s shownotes.
I also have a few quick thanks to toss out. Thanks of course to the lovely and talented Lucinda Lugeons for joining us this week. Thanks to the talented but decidedly less lovely Heath Enwright for kicking ass, taking names and then kicking those names’ asses.
I also need to thank Phil from The Week in Doubt podcast for providing this week’s Farnsworth quote. He’s a very intelligent guy and it really comes across in his podcast. It’s well researched, well presented and if you want to check it out, you’ll find a link to his website on the shownotes for this episode.
http://palbertelli.podbean.com/
But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week’s most structurally sound arrangements of organic molecules; Henk, Bruce, Josh, Ryan, Else and Magnus the Great Dane, who is either a dog or an exemplary person from Denmark, but either way, makes my short list of people I’d most like to have at my side when fending off the impending alien apocalypse.
These superior examples of humanity and/or caninity have proved their worth to the species, the planet and the galaxy this week by giving us money. Secure in the knowledge that giving us money is the universal currency of decency, Henk, Bruce, Josh, Ryan, Else and Magnus the Great Dane can maintain their claim to moral supremacy even if they should later take to a life of drugs, crime and aardvark prostitution, which they won’t.
If you think you have the superior wit, wisdom and worth required to give us money, you’ll find the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathing Atheist (dot) com.
And if you’d like to help, but you wasted all your money on food and diapers, you can still help us a ton by leaving us a 5 star review on iTunes, following us on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube and adding us to your favorites on Stitcher. Or maybe naming an asteroid in our honor.
If you have questions, comments or death threats, you’ll find all the contact info on the Contact Page at Scathing Atheist (dot) com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission.
The Scathing Atheist 